#«spiritual significant» to him and I’m (again personally) of the idea that something that important to someone is not easily foregone

[age-of-moonknight]

House of M: Avengers (Vol. 1/2007), #5.

Writer: Christos N. Gage; Penciler: Mike Perkins; Inker: Andrew Hennessy; Colorist: Raul Trevino; Letterer: Rus Wooton

[feralphoenix]

SONGS OF RESISTANCE: The View Myla Grants Us Of Hallownest’s Moths

hello again hollow knight fandom, i am back with my picante takes and ready to discuss two things i love: myla hollowknight and the moth tribe! Let Us Be Sad About Them Together.

as with my previous essay i’m going to be putting this fellow up on dreamwidth later for accessibility purposes since my layout text may be too small for high-res pc users. this time i’ll be attaching that in a reblog to avoid this post getting eaten by the dread tungle algorithms.

CONTENT WARNINGS FOR TONIGHT’S PROGRAM: This essay discusses colonialism and genocide both in real life and the fictional depictions in Hollow Knight, as well as racism in the zombie horror genre and in fandom.

ALSO: if youre from a christian cultural upbringing (whether currently practicing, agnostic/secular, or atheist now), understand that some of what i’m discussing here may challenge you. if thinking thru the implications of this particular part of hollow knight worldbuilding/lore is distressing for you, PLEASE only approach this essay when youre in a safe mindset & open to listening, and ask the help of a therapist or anti-racism teacher/mentor to help you process your thoughts & feelings. just like keep in mind that youre listening to an ethnoreligiously marginalized person and please be respectful here or wherever else youre discussing this dang essay

SONGS OF RESISTANCE: THE VIEW MYLA GRANTS US OF HALLOWNEST’S MOTHS

In this house we are all love Myla.

Well, in all fairness, there are probably plenty of Hollow Knight fans who aren’t interested in her character, since which fictional characters one attaches to is always a matter of personal preference. But she’s still well-loved for a minor NPC and inspires a high level of devotion in her fans. There’s nothing that whips folks into a frenzy like a cute character you can’t do anything to help, and unlike some other characters in Hollow Knight Myla’s fate leaves no room for ambiguity. Once you pick up the Crystal Heart you’re left with only two choices: Avoid her, or kill her.

A lot of Hollow Knight’s world is designed to make you care about it so that it will hurt more when Ghost’s violent skillset proves too limited to save something or someone. The consequences of Hallownest’s founding and policies have directly or indirectly caused a great deal of damage to everything, and chief among those consequences with massive damage and a wide splash range is the Infection. Much has been said elsewhere by other people about Hollow Knight’s predominating mood being a struggle against futility, with Ghost arriving at the eleventh hour and every new tragedy designed to make the player more desperate to find something actionable, only finding out by trial and error what’s beyond your personal ability to save.

Myla, in that sense, is a typical example of that worldbuilding. She’s a particular kind of stock character in the zombie horror genre, the innocent who falls victim to the plague and cannot be saved, wrenching audience hearts and demonstrating the stakes.

But Hollow Knight plays with the trappings of zombie horror in a very unusual way, one I find thematically fascinating.

For a quick overview, the “zombie” as we know it in popular culture is an appropriation of a voudou (the Black American spiritual practice) concept that deals with the fear of slavery killing one’s spirit. (People more versed in/with roots in voudou culture can give a much more comprehensive overview than this simplistic one.)

The zombie horror genre, especially in Western media, is part of the great white fragility stock plot trifecta (the other two being alien invasions and robot uprisings). Zombie horror in particular expresses white fears that marginalized ethnic groups will rise up violently in revenge for their mistreatment and destroy white society. The fear of “that which is human, which ‘humanity’ is not” (to borrow mecha visual novel Heaven Will Be Mine’s pithy term) and the extreme levels of violence towards human-but-not bodies typical of zombie horror are often an expression of such bigotries. This is, again, a subject that’s been discussed in greater depth and with more nuance elsewhere.

But what Hollow Knight does is take the ugly metaphors and it makes them literal, makes it harder to ignore the toxic subtext of the genre. The Infection is literally a native god’s revenge on the settlers who committed genocide* against her people. How the Pale King’s colonization of the crater negatively affected the preexisting groups of bugs underpins every level of the worldbuilding, as does Hallownest’s cruelty towards its neighbors.

Hollow Knight is a game that is about the tragedy of Western imperialism. It is one of the work’s central themes. There are a lot of conversations that need to be had about the ways these themes manifest and, on a real-world level, about fandom’s predisposition to avoid the subject.

But, for now, let’s get back to Myla. If she fits such a stock zombie horror archetype, and Hollow Knight uses zombie horror tropes to underline the conversation it attempts to have about colonialism, then what has Myla got to teach us about the overall worldbuilding?

There's two topics I’d like to broach here: First we’ll get into how the circumstances of Myla’s infection fit in to the implied role of Crystal Peak in pre-Hallownest society. Then let’s take a long look at the lyrics of Myla’s song and what it implies.

MYLA, THE CRYSTALS, AND THE HOLY MOUNTAIN

If you think about it, Myla is an interesting outlier compared to the other NPCs we encounter on the verge of succumbing to the Infection. Both Bretta and Sly are unhappy: Bretta is a lonely, anxious bundle of abandonment issues yearning for someone to sweep her off her feet; Sly misses his pupils and loved ones who’ve left him in death (we never learn who Esmy is or what they were to Sly, but we sure can tell they’re not around anymore). The temptation to dream away those sadnesses seems to play a part in their vulnerability to the Infection, and also why Ghost’s interruption brings them back to reality.

Not so Myla. She appears to be blissfully unaware of her fellow miners’ fate, and most of her dialogue prior to her infection (besides the song - we’ll get to that later) is about how much fun she’s having at her job and how much she enjoys Ghost’s occasional company.

Yet she still winds up infected when Ghost’s back is turned. Why?

Not to discard the possibility that Myla’s got her own issues too, but in her case there seems to be another likely cause at hand: The crystals. If hit with the Dream Nail before infected, she mentions that she can hear them “singing” and “whispering”.

Under the The Hunter’s Hot Takes section of the Hunter’s Journal entries on various Crystal Peak enemies, we can learn more about the crystals - particularly in the entries for the Husk Miner and Crystallized Husk.

Crystal Peak’s crystals were thought of as particularly precious in Hallownest and harvested en masse for use in luxury items and the like. To do so, the mining operation was set up throughout most of the mountain, though the area around its peak still remains largely untouched. However, there’s more to the crystals than just that. Like Myla, the Hunter notes that the crystals can be heard to sing very very softly if one listens closely enough.

Perhaps of even more interest than that is this particular comment he gives us, from the Crystallized Husk journal entry: “There is some strange power hidden in the crystals that grow up there in the peaks. They gleam and glow in the darkness, a bright point of searing heat in each one.”

I don’t think it’s a particularly revolutionary idea to point out that there’s some connection between the crystals and Radiance’s power; this is something many players have intuited just based on Myla’s dialogue. But, in order to understand what Myla is demonstrating about the game’s world I think it’s important to think about what that connection is.

Speaking of which, the local Whispering Root has two important clues for us: The phrases “light refracted” and “energy contained”.

The very top of Crystal Peak is one of the only places in the crater where the moths’ architecture has escaped Hallownest destroying it, and is the only place in the entire game setting where their religious iconography remains fully intact. There are stone monuments covered in their language (which has been destroyed with the rest of their culture) and the statue of the Radiance - this is easier to see in the Wanderer’s Journal tie-in book, but the huge stone arches upon the Crown represent Radi’s halo and its rays and encircle her when viewed head-on or from a distance instead of the side view we get in the game.

The crystals grown here were used by the moths to store and cultivate Radiance’s light. It’s impossible to know what sort of architecture/infrastructure existed inside the mountain before Hallownest stole it from the moths. But between the massive scope of her statue and all the texts at the Crown, and the fact that the moths were working with their literal actual god’s freely given power here, it can be safely asserted that Crystal Peak was a holy ground to them.

Hallownest didn’t care about the mind-boggling level of spiritual significance Crystal Peak must have had to the natives, though. To the Pale King and his people, the crystals are just a natural resource to be harvested for personal profit.

This is unfortunately a conflict that still plays out in colonized countries today. If you’re American, #NoDAPL probably comes to mind; Canada, Australia, and New Zealand are filled with these sorts of horror stories too. Settler disrespect for indigenous sacred grounds is a huge problem that needs addressing. If you’re looking at the story of Crystal Peak and thinking it’s very on-the-nose... maybe it needs to be.

Anyway, Myla is nowhere near as miserable as Bretta or Sly, but she still notices that something’s up with these crystals. She hears the voice coming from inside, and she’s curious, and she tries very very hard to listen to it... so she DOES end up hearing Radiance’s voice. Radiance’s real voice, not the songs and whispers inside the crystals: The voice of a frightened, angry, grieving god who knows there’s a new vessel running around in Hallownest, and doesn’t want any part of that. A voice that’s pleading for someone, anyone to kill this dangerous creature, and save her from the threat Ghost poses.

Between how freaked out Radi is to know Ghost is poking around, the tendency we see in her boss battles for her to panic and kneejerk blast things at full volume/vibrance when she’s panicking, and the way her dream broadcast seems to be only a one-way communication line while she’s in the Black Egg... naturally this spells disaster for poor Myla.

Similar to the Moss Prophet, this small tragedy is a demonstration of the eleventh-hour state the conflict is in: The Pale King has escalated this situation so far, and Radiance is so traumatized and isolated, that bystanders who might in a kinder timeline have become Radi’s allies instead get caught up in her AOE. Myla’s definitely not as aware of the overall situation as the Moss Prophet, since she’s a Hallownest bug and not an indigenous one the way they are. But she noticed things were not as they seemed, and she was curious. Who knows what new possibilities could have opened up, if Radiance was able to truly communicate with bugs in the outside world?

Small side note before we move on, but I’ve noticed a tendency among some folks who notice the missed connections to come down extra hard on Radiance and chalk Myla’s infection/Moss Prophet’s death down to deliberate cruelty on her part. I’d like to gently push back against this.

Living in a post-colonial world we all absorb some level of prejudice from our surroundings, and it’s important to take a look at our first assumptions about people (or, in this case, fictional characters lol) to examine whether these prejudices we’ve inherited have influenced those assumptions.

So, if your first instinct is to look at this situation and say the problem is that Radiance is being too harsh and too angry where she should have stepped back and softened her emotions for others’ benefit to gently persuade them to her side... Please think about how when people of color and non-Christians express anger or hurt at our treatment, or even so much as calmly assert our boundaries, white/Christian viewers often view us as much more aggressive and threatening than we actually are. The “angry black woman” trope is a good example of this stereotype. You may want to look up the HuffPost article “Why It’s So Hard to Talk to White People About Racism” and its discussion of white fragility to further understand this phenomenon.

It is absolutely essential to remember the complex power dynamics in play in Hollow Knight and that the Pale King deliberately imprisoned Radiance (who had at this point already gone through an extreme amount of trauma) in a way that would compromise her ability to communicate with others. If you can extend compassion to characters like Ghost or the Pale King and empathize with their motives/feelings when their actions cause harm, but you are not willing to do the same with Radiance... it’s important to sit down with yourself and examine why that is.

THE MEANING BEHIND MYLA’S SONG

Okay, let’s switch gears and take a look at the lyrics to the song Myla sings, since it’s got some interesting things to tell us too.

The first verse, which you can hear from Myla the first time you meet her/before you acquire Vengeful Spirit, goes:

Bury my mother, pale and slight Bury my father with his eyes shut tight Bury my sisters, two by two, And then when you’re done, let's bury me too

There’s not much particularly story-related going on here except foreshadowing that Myla may in fact wind up dying. Most of what we get here is that a) this is a song about burying the dead and b) it’s morbid as fuck.

Curious, a new player might think of the mention of burying the dead; there are a lot of corpses just lyin’ around all over the ground - something that might lead one to believe Hallownest didn’t have such a custom. Later players will discover the Resting Grounds, confirming Hallownest did bury its dead... and that the gravekeepers are all dead too.

Let’s look at the second verse, which Myla remembers and will sing after you pick up Vengeful Spirit:

Bury the knight with her broken nail, Bury the lady, lovely and pale Bury the priest in his tattered gown, Then bury the beggar with his shining crown

This right here is where it gets interesting. The first verse describes the singer’s family as dead or dying, but the people we’re burying now sure do have some parallels to Hallownest's ruling body, don’t they?

Among Hallownest’s Great Knights, three of them - Dryya, Isma, and Ze’mer - were women. They are also very dead or might as well be: Dryya was killed by Traitor Lord’s resistance, Isma is a tree spreading acid through the kingdom’s waters to cut off access to the City of Tears, and Ze’mer hung up her nail after her mantis girlfriend’s death and only lingers on as a revenant.

While there aren’t any characters who are described in-text as “priests” in Hallownest, the idea of a tattered gown might bring Lurien the Watcher to mind, or perhaps the Soul Sanctum’s magicians before they went rogue.

The lovely, pale lady in the song can only refer to the White Lady, Hallownest’s queen. And there’s only one man in the game who has a shining crown: The Pale King. The lyrics are particularly derisive towards him in a way they aren’t to any of the other figures listed, too.

So, it seems like whoever came up with this song didn’t think much of Hallownest. With that in mind it’s hard to think that it originated from any sort of faction loyal to the king.

We’re missing a line from the third verse, which Myla sings after you’ve beaten Soul Master and she’s beginning to become infected. But what we do see of it is Huge in terms of lore:

Bury my body and cover my shell, [...] What meaning in darkness? Yet here I remain I’ll wait here forever ‘til light blooms again

So. The “protagonist” of this song’s family has died, and they expect to die as well, but even unto death they're waiting for Hallownest to fall and the light to return.

The moths became Hallownest’s gravekeepers after the Pale King forcibly assimilated them. Under the Pale King’s light, the moths forgot Radiance and most of their original culture, but Seer tells us in her final monologue that a few individuals remembered just enough to pass bits and pieces down through the generations. This secret resistance among the moths was what kept Radiance alive and prevented her from being sealed away entirely.

This song Myla sings comes from that moth resistance.

Code songs amongst oppressed ethnic groups are very much a real thing, especially when groups have to communicate or signal each other within hostile parties’ hearing. Since I’m American (and had a big ol crush on Harriet Tubman as a little kid lmao!) the first thing that came to mind for me when I made this connection was the working songs escaped Black slaves used in the Underground Railroad.

These have another point in common with the moth gravedigger song Myla sings, in that they enter the general cultural consciousness through out-group people who don’t know the true context. If you ever pick up a book of American baby songs, you’ll probably find some Underground Railroad code songs in there - often because generations ago white kids heard these songs from Black slaves or servants, and went on to sing the same songs to their children with zero awareness of what the songs were really for.

So some Hallownest bug somewhere probably heard the moths’ song and liked it and sang it in a context totally divorced from its original one, and it got spread around and passed down to become one of Myla’s old favorites, with her seemingly not realizing the meaning behind the lyrics. The moths’ song of devotion to their lost god survived them as a people.

This is some VERY realistic and layered worldbuilding. There is so much to glean from just one NPC’s dialogue when put together with other clues. Of course all of it is SAD and DEPRESSING, but Hollow Knight is a tragedy with a super unsubtle point to make about the unsustainability of Western imperialism.

What happens to Myla is awful, and upsetting, and unfair. So was what happened to the moths and their sacred ground, and to Radiance too. It’s important to understand the scope of the conflict that led to all this happening, trace it to its roots, and lay it at the feet of the ones responsible for engendering all this tragedy in the first place: Hallownest and the Pale King.

*A NOTE ABOUT MY USE OF THE TERM “GENOCIDE”

This is a tangent, but since there’s some debate about whether it’s appropriate to define the Pale King’s actions towards indigenous bug nations as genocide, allow me to cite the official definition of genocide here.

The Convention on the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide (the Genocide Convention for short) defines genocide like this:

Genocide is any of the following acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, religious, or racial group, as such:

A) Killing members of the group

B) Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group

C) Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part

D) Imposing measures intended to prevent births within the group

E) Forcibly transferring children of the group to another group

Among the abovelisted, Hallownest is guilty of A (Deepnest and the moths), B (Deepnest physically/the moths vis a vis brainwashing), C (the mantis tribe and the hive), and E (the moths, which we know from Marmu, and possibly the mosskin also - Isma is mosskin).

Then there is cultural genocide, i.e. acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, religious, or racial group's way of life. Let’s look at the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples (DRIP) and how it defines cultural genocide:

A) Any action which has the aim or effect of depriving them of their integrity as distinct peoples, or of their cultural values or ethnic identities

B) Any action which has the aim or effect of dispossessing them of their lands, territories or resources

C) Any form of population transfer which has the aim or effect of violating or undermining any of their rights

D) Any form of assimilation or integration by other cultures or ways of life imposed on them by legislative, administrative or other measures

E) Any form of propaganda directed against them

Hallownest is guilty of every item on this list. A: The moths, attempted with Deepnest. B: The moths, the mantises, the flukes, the mosskin; also attempted with Deepnest. C: The moths, the mantises, the flukes. D: The moths; attempted with the mantises and Deepnest. E: The mantises and Deepnest.

Any sort of discussion of the wide-reaching harm Radiance caused MUST include the context that the Infection is her response to multiple levels of genocide. Discussion that does not include this context loses nuance and simplifies the conflict and power dynamics portrayed in the game in ways that reflect real-life racism and Christian supersessionism.

Now, this is NOT some sort of holier than thou Fandom Purity dunk to say that it’s Bad or Wrong to care about Hallownest’s nobility. Like, one of my favorite characters in this dang game is the White Lady, who spent a long ass time enabling her husband’s actions before she finally walked out on him over the mass infanticide thing. You can, and it is okay to, love TPK and want rehabilitation for him while acknowledging that the dude has done objectively bad things.

I just feel that it’s important to keep things in perspective so that we don’t wind up stirring a bunch of real-world bigotry into our fandom funtimes. A lot of us don’t have the luxury of turning our brains off and simply Not Seeing It, because these same sorts of dynamics are behind a lot of the hardships that threaten our everyday stability.

It’s pretty hard to have conversations about those things in real life if one can’t even recognize them in fiction. So, this might be a good opportunity to start practicing anti-racism so we can better utilize that ideology in real life, where the stakes are much higher.

[spockandawe]

So this morning, I tripped across this excellent post about Xue Yang and classism, and it shook something loose in my head. Specifically, it got me thinking about the idea of Xue Yang taking revenge for ‘only’ losing a finger. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t say anything as directly dismissive as saying he only lost a finger, but I do think that is at least partially the way that Xue Yang takes the argument.

And I’ve thought a lot and said a lot of words about the way Xue Yang feels hurt and betrayed and frustrated as he tries to explain himself to someone, for once, and that person completely misses his point. And I’ve said words about how in the three years in Yi City, Xue Yang gets hooked on the quiet comfort of domesticity, even if he and Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing are still, objectively, poor. But I’d never thought about this particular angle of their last argument before now.

This is going to be long, I can tell, so let’s throw a spoiler cut in here

Now, I do think it’s important that Xiao Xingchen doesn’t say directly that it was only a finger. I think it would have been cruel of him to say that. But I also think that his upbringing and position in the world make him a bit… oblivious to the implications of Xue Yang’s story, and what he’s trying to communicate, and that leads to him saying some things that are more insensitive than he would have chosen to if he’d realized.

From a very early point, he knew that Xue Yang grew up without parents or money.

Unhurried, Xue Yang began, “Once upon a time, there was a child.”

“The child really liked eating sweet things. But because he had no parents or money, he could rarely eat them.”

And he was told how that child was exploited, and how hard he was beat up and used even before things reached the point where he lost a finger

[The huge, brawny man] took over the paper and looked at it, and he gave the child a slap so hard that his nose started bleeding. The man pulled the child’s hair and asked, ‘Who told you to take such a thing over?’”

[…]

“[seven-year-old Xue Yang] felt scared and pointed the direction. The man went to the liquor shop, carrying the child by pulling his hair.”

[…]

“The store was in a mess and the waiter was feeling quite cross. He slapped the child a few times, so hard that his ears were even buzzing, and chased him out the door. He crawled up and walked for a while.”

[…]

What do you think happened? Just a few more slaps and a few more kicks.”

(It’s interesting to me that he dodges even mentioning his hand being run over in this version of the story, but later goes into a lot of detail about his hand later with Xiao Xingchen, even though Xiao Xingchen has completely turned against him)

And, something that I hadn’t really noticed until I went to collect these quotes, is how Xiao Xingchen reacts to this story.

After Xiao XingChen tucked her, he walked a few steps, then asked, “What happened afterward?”

Xue Yang, “Guess. There was no afterward. You didn’t continue telling your story either, did you?”

Xiao XingChen, “No matter what happened afterward, since right now your life is fairly adequate, there’s no need for you to dwell too much on the past.”

That’s… a very high-minded approach to take, where I can see the good intentions, but I’m also kind of wincing at the accidental implications.

And then, to mix it up, let’s have some screencaps for the second half of the story, because these actors seriously knocked this scene out of the park

“The wheels of the cart milled over the child’s hand, one finger at a time. He was seven!”

And then another book quote, because it’s fascinating to me how directly he begs Xiao Xingchen to empathize with the child who was used so poorly and lost a finger in the process.

“Is it that, since the fingers weren’t yours, you guys were incapable of feeling the pain?! You guys didn’t know how horrifying screams sounded like out of your own mouths? Why didn’t you ask him why he decided to amuse himself with me without a single reason?!”

Only, right after he does this, Xiao Xingchen talks about how disproportionate Xue Yang’s revenge was. This really kills me, honestly, because this is the point where Xue Yang stops trying to appeal to him and explain himself, and takes a sharp turn towards losing control over his emotions instead.

Xiao XingChen spoke as though he couldn’t believe Xue Yang’s words, “Chang Ci’An broke one of your fingers in the past. If you sought revenge, you could’ve simply broken one of his fingers as well. If you really took the matter to heart, you could’ve broken two, or even all ten! Even if you had cut off an entire arm of his, things wouldn’t have been like this. Why did you have to kill his entire clan? Don’t tell me that a single finger of yours was equal to more than fifty human lives!”

I always just accepted that this was enough to hurt Xue Yang that much. But also… Xiao Xingchen knows that Xue Yang was a poor, parentless child, and he’s heard about how this child was callously exploited and mistreated by three separate adults. And there’s a couple class-related details in here that I want to touch on.

One, Xue Yang was again, a poor, parentless child, and I imagine he was living on the streets in a situation like that. Chang Ci’an broke (amputated) one of his fingers. And ran over the whole rest of his hand, which I have to imagine did other significant damage. Okay, so he wrecked this seven-year-old child’s hand. Now…. how much did this child have? What did he have besides his body? Did he even have a home to retreat to and recover? Because I have to imagine he didn’t. He didn’t have money for medical treatment, it’s not even clear if he knew anyone he could go to for basic medical help. Let’s not even talk about setting the bones in a shattered hand, did he even have access to anything to prevent infection? If he had any means of making a living (at age, again, seven), it would almost have had to be either begging or stealing. Having one ruined hand would have done awful things to this parentless child’s ability to survive. He made it through, clearly, but god. 

And Xiao Xingchen isn’t approaching this from a position like most of our main characters, who grew up wealthy and privileged. He’s not approaching this in a way like how Jiang Cheng scolded Wei Wuxian for breaking his arm, because he had to get it all plastered up and spend weeks recovering, and that was super inconvenient. Xiao Xingchen was never wealthy, and he grew up as a feral mountain child with Baoshan Sanren. But that means that he wasn’t subject to the same social forces as a city child like Xue Yang. Even if he was injured as a child, even if he was badly injured, it wasn’t probably an act of cruelty or callousness on the part of an adult. And if he was injured, he might not have had access to formally trained doctors, but he had a teacher who was highly trained spiritually, and who would at least care for him.

In a way, I think that makes it all hurt… more for Xue Yang. Because Xiao Xingchen isn’t gentry, he never was affiliated with the great cultivation sects, and he and Xue Yang and A-Qing have been living together in a city in fairly poor circumstances for three years now. But Xiao Xingchen is an adult, and one who’s used to making his own way in the world. He has no personal understanding of what it’s like to be a powerless child in similar circumstances, without anyone. And in this moment, he’s not able to understand how awful and how serious this was for a child like Xue Yang to experience.

Like, compare and contrast. When the Wens are starting to move against Lotus Pier, there’s half a moment where Wei Wuxian makes his peace with losing a hand. He’s like ‘yeah, that sucks, but i’ll deal. i’ll just learn to fight with my other hand, whatever!’ But just imagine how serious that would have been before Jiang Fengmian found him. Without money, without a home, without anyone to care for you, without access to any real medical care, how dire an injury would that have been? Xue Yang might not have lost his hand altogether, but the cart ran over his whole hand, and hands are just full o’ bones. The consequences of that injury were significant. 

And Xiao Xingchen’s initial reaction is ‘okay, so this wealthy cultivator broke your finger. why didn’t you just break his finger?’ and then he manages to escalate his way up to ‘idk, you could have even cut off his arm???’

In retrospect, it’s completely unsurprising to me that this is the moment where Xue Yang totally shuts down and starts asking why Xiao Xingchen even got involved, if he wasn’t capable of understanding.

“You shouldn’t have meddled in other people’s business. Right or wrong, kindness or hatred are not clearly distinguished, so how could an outsider possibly understand?”

“Your martial mentor, Baoshan Sanren, was indeed insightful. Why didn’t you listen to her and obediently cultivate in the mountain? If you couldn’t understand the human affairs and this world, then you shouldn’t have come!”

It makes me wonder what would have happened, if Xue Yang had leaned harder into what kind of suffering and hardship an injury like that meant for a street child, but considering how reluctant he was to share in the first place, I’m not exactly surprised he didn’t go there.

Incidentally, it’s interesting to me that when Xiao Xingchen calls Xue Yang ‘disgusting’, that’s when Xue Yang pivots into really trying to hurt him. I think it would hurt, coming from Xiao Xingchen, no matter what, but I have to wonder if he takes it extra hard in light of the way he’s just been trying to explain his history as a mistreated street child.

I’d been idly wondering if I was reading too far into this dynamic (not that that was going to stop me, but still, wondering :P), but this last addition to the conversation really caught my attention

“The people I hate the most are ones like you who say they’re righteous, who think they’re virtuous. Stupid, naive, dumb idiots like you who think the world’s better just because you did something good!”

And then I was like no, I’ve been right this whole time, haha :V

Xue Yang’s anger and hurt sense on a purely personal level, especially with the extra pain of trying to explain himself, for once, and Xiao Xingchen missing the point. But the extra frustration on behalf of his younger self makes so much additional sense. 

Xue Yang likes Xiao Xingchen, he likes living with Xiao Xingchen, or he wouldn’t still be there three years after a chance encounter. It would be a whole other meta to source this claim, but it very much feels like there are things he admires about Xiao Xingchen, even if it’s kind of a condescending, indulgent fondness for his foolish, naive innocence instead of a straightforward admiration. Until it tips over here, and becomes personal. 

And I think there were a lot of ways where he was prepared to disagree with Xiao Xingchen on a deep, fundamental level. They have very different values. But I don’t think he was prepared for Xiao Xingchen to be so oblivious to the class-based aspect of Xue Yang’s history. I don’t think Xiao Xingchen intended to be cruel, and I also think he had other significant things on his mind, but the seriousness of this incident doesn’t seem to occur to him. For someone with money, for someone with a skilled martial family, for even someone with a family, period, this would have been a traumatic experience, but one that could be dealt with. But then Xiao Xingchen equates the finger of this wealthy, purposefully cruel cultivator to the finger of a poor, parentless street child, and Xue Yang begins to lose control.

I already didn’t blame him for how upset he gets in this conversation, but now, even more than before, I find his reaction incredibly understandable. I mean, yes, their whole relationship is built on a foundation of sand, but he thought that he and Xiao Xingchen… supported each other, at least. They mattered to each other. And when Xiao Xingchen rejects him in the present, well, sure, that was going to happen if anyone was stupid enough to tell Xiao Xingchen the truth, that was understandable. But when Xiao Xingchen casually brushes aside the suffering of little innocent seven-year-old Xue Yang, that hurts Xue Yang more than he could have ever anticipated. 

[syubub]

Rae I was hoping you could do a reading (nothing grand, it can be small) on BTS’ (each member’s individual) current post-Grammy energy? The past 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I noticed a lot in their demeanors on both their vlive, and reaction to the loss they posted on Twitter. I have my own analysis and observations, but all that mostly comes from a psychological/logical pov. I want your take on the spiritual side and most importantly your thoughts on what the cameras won’t show us and what the members would probably never vocally/publicaly express (since bless their hearts, they’re such humble people). — 💼

That's such a great ask 💼 anon! I love the idea and I have to do it right now bc I need to know lol

bts post-grammy energy reading

Disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes and not to be taken as fact. This is only my personal interpretation!

So first off we have the energy of the group.

The 6 of coins, the magician, ten of wands reversed.

Starting with the 6 of coins

This to me feels like they are happy to have preformed and likely feel very loved.

Like they're happy to have shown their talents to the world and spread some joy and love

The card itself Is a lot about give and take and sharing and I think they feel that with army

The kind of solidarity and appreciation of eachother

With the magician (this came up in pre grammy read too) it feels like the determination and drive to succeed. They probably are feeling motivated to come back again stronger.

I see this too as bts not holding back and doing what they feel they have to do (I'm excited for what it could be)

Then we have 10 of wands reversed

This talks about feeling relief about being able to release a burden

This makes a lot of sense

In a way they were kinda carrying A LOT on their backs with this grammy nom

And for it to be over I think now they can catch their breaths

Seokjin

Knight of wands.

This is so very him.

Passion, inspired action, energy.

It's the "pushing foward bc I have a thing that I'm going to do" energy

I see this as him being fired up and like "Okay so this is how we can do this and next time this will happen and we can do this as well"

Very much no time to dwell

It's the confidence and belief in himself and the group and their goals

Like he took his time to be be angry, sad, mad and whatever but I don't think it was at not winning. It was all the other stuff

And now hes ready to continue and push through

He could have a million ideas in his head rn

The knight of wands is one of my absolute favorite cards

It's also associated with sagittarius so maybe I'm just a bit biased lol

Renewed energy and passion

Love it

Yoongi

YOONGI

It's in caps bc im yelling

Ace of cups

You absolute pain

Yes this card can be about love

In this context though I see it as creativity

Ace is always the start of things.

The ace of cups is an emotional beginning

The beginning of a new creative project fuled by emotions and your emotions about your experiences

Yall

Yoongi is writing and making stuff and this might just be the new project that takes them to the grammys and win them the trophies

Yoongi had a planned we should always listen carefully to his words.

He technically said a 2021 grammy preformance and 2022 grammy win...

Ugh

Essentially I think that whatever project comes from the emotions of this time will be extremely significant for them

Maybe we'll get a song or album that talks about the shit they go through with interlude: FUCK YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT

I hope we get swearing...

Probably not bc in true bangtan fashion they can form their emotions and experience into beautiful metaphors.

To sum up I think yoobi kinda knew what would happen so he sees it as an opportunity to take the emotions/creativity and create a very special thing(again, is he consciously aware of this shit??)

Hoseok

Wheel of fortune reverse

Hobi :(

Dissapointment and misfortune

It's that "the whole world is against me" feeling

I bet he was extremely excited and it was just an emotional blow to him

I think he probably can't help but be hard on himself

Like, "if we did this better" or "we should have done this"

But he knows that it's not his fault. It's just hard not to question yourself

It's feeling like they just can't catch a break

With this card though I feel like there's also an energy of no longer feeling like they have to "play the game"

Breaking the cycle

I think dynamite served 2 purposes

1. To bring joy and some sense of normality to a mid pandemic world

And 2. To play the game by its rules. Everything according to the book

Kinda an experiment

And to see that even doing everything right and excelling at the game didn't really change the scammys mind

Theirs freedom there

They did it the grammys way

And now they'll do it the bangtan way

Bc they've learned

Maybe they'll try another English song but it will be more them

Namjoon

Seven of cups

This card...

The first thing I want to talk about is illusion

The idea that an option you pick has a whole lot of things hiding behind the surface and it's not what it first looked to be

Being hyped up by the grammys and having a bunch of interviews and stuff only to be used

I think namjoon is dealing with that extra hard because as a leader I think he has this idea that he's ment to protect his members

I think he feels a bit like, "I should have seen this coming and been more careful"

Stuff like that.

When joon said "I told you" after they announced the winner

I feel like he told them that it was un likely bc the closer and closer it got he kinda started to see things for what they really were

I think too that joon is trying to decide where to go from here

Do they try a new English song?

Do they say fuck it and make a metal album?

Do they make an album focusing on the positives?

Do they make an album talking about the negatives?

Do they mix a bunch of ideas together?

Do they go back to their roots?

Very many options and namjoon is trying to choose the best one

However.

Everything has an upside and a downside

Jimin

Chim chim

The hermit

Soul searching and introspection

Listening to yourself

I think jimin might feel a bit down

Like, he needs time to re evaluate

I think jimin tends to base his worth on some external factors and he might have put a lot of his own worth on this situation

So now he has to go back and remind himself that this doesn't define him and that his value has nothing to do with the grammys or how others view him

Like hobi he might be bit hard on himself rn

But the hermit is such a powerful card bc you find yourself in the soul searching and you can asses how to move foward

I think also the hermit might also symbolize feeling shut out of the music industry and maybe too a bit of shame about not winning

JIMIM :'(

Taehyung

Ha

The high priestess

This whole situation did not pass his vibe check in the first place

I think he probably knew

Maybe his angel told him or he subconsciously knew

Very much trusting his intuition and will probably be using that to guide him going foward in what he will do with this situation

Creating and being vulnerable and open is important

Anything that has to do with intuition and creativity and empathy

He's probably also comforting jimin in preticular rn

He's also probably thinking about how to comfort us

(Maybe he's working extra hard to push the mixtape foward in order to comfort us)

(( we are trying to comfort YOU. You don't need to comfort us!!))

Regardless

It's a very intresting energy and it makes sense lol

Jungkook

The hanged man

Koo

A pause to re evaluate

Similar to jimin in that this is a time to reflect and to do some soul searching

Taking the time to see things from a new perspective that is desperately needed for him

Some new and important thing might be on the horizon (see yoongis reading) and he will be able to see it and see its potential because he's taking time to just

Exist

Gather his thoughts so that he can know what he's feeling and take that

Morph it into something beautiful

And use that to move foward with a new perspective.

I think also this could indicate feeling like this is a hurdle they can't get over.

Stuck where they are bc the obstacles are insurmountable.

Another interpretation is being made an example of publicly?

Like he might feel like they failed publicly and that it hurt rather than helped south Korea as a whole?

But overall feeling like he needs that new perspective and taking this as an opertunity to find that!

I hope this kinda makes sense! I only pulled one card bc I think they're all feeling A LOT of things and I wanted to focus on the main theme.

It's a lot more positive than I thought but that's bts for you, always looking to grow and learn and create. I'm really interested to see what kind of songs come from this emotional influx! I think it definitely differs some from what they've shown so I'm curious how this energy manifests for them!

[senkaimon]

“[this is what i mean by more fundamental]  let’s start by discussing who’s superior,  zanpakuto or a shinigami?!”

okay but this scene is so important in understanding how oetsu views zanpakuto vs. how he views shinigami.  first off,   yes,  he does think that zanpakuto are superior.  one could say it’s partly bias,  which may play some hand in it,  but i think it’s much deeper than that.  oetsu did not create zanpakuto with the intentions of them being well....  anything mentioned above.  i believe they were originally supposed to be?  something closer to an equalized companion (after all,  who knows you better than your own soul)?  now one could argue  ‘have you been relying on it like a partner’  diminishes that idea but i believe in this context partner means something more along the lines of  ‘life partner’,  as in how you would rely on a romantic significant other.  and that’s not their purpose.

zanpakuto are not made nor there to serve shinigami.  they are not there to be used / abused by them for personal purpose or gain.

i mean,  truly if we take a deeper look oetsu treats the asauchi  (prior to being imprinted upon)  as entities with their own emotions,  thoughts and to a degree a sense of self:

ichigo:  oh yeah?!  so these guys are the embodiment of the asauchi!  but why are we being attacked by them?! oetsu:  so close!  embodiment, huh?  yes,  yes,  yes.  so close,  so close.  it’s a bit different but that’ll do for now.  but what’s more important...  is that they’re angry at you. ichigo:  angry?!  about what?! oetsu:  the way you two use your zanpakuto. ichigo:  how we use it.. ?! oetsu:  you don’t understand?  i don’t blame you.  how you fight?  how you swing it?  no,  no.  it’s something more fundamental! [then follows the above cap & quote]

it is forgotten by shinigami that zanpakuto are alive as asauchi far before they receive them and imprint upon them.  just how sentient they are could be argued(?)  as they seem to more or less have a ‘hive mind’ element about them rather than individualistic characteristics. * i think this plays into how oetsu is able to sense / know / understand all zanpakuto too,  as at their core they do share a level of connection not only with him but one another.  think back to when it is mentioned that zanpakuto can sense one another in the crossing of blades.

anyway,  i digress.  i mentioned in another hc  [here]  about his choice to use the words  “absolute providence”  regarding zanpakuto and i think it’s important to mention once more:

another important thing is him mentioning the relationship between wielders and their zanpakuto (with reference to himself as well):  ‘absolute providence’. providence:  the protective care of God or of nature as a spiritual power.   -   oetsu is called the ‘god of the sword’.  i think part of it is that he is the god bestowing that protective care to shinigami through the ability to manifest the spirit of zanpakuto.  it is a gift and a divine one at that.  it also i think alludes to how important oetsu actually regards zanpakuto (which is a lot,  actually,  i think in most cases he prefers them to his own peers).  that being said,  it also implies that  oetsu thinks shinigami should revere (respect) their zanpakuto and their importance.

so yeah,  in closing so that i don’t get too off track (i’m certain i’ll visit this topic again),  oetsu thinks that shinigami have lost the true purpose and intention of zanpakuto.  they’re supposed to be companions,  soul companions,  and treated much better than they are.  why does he consider them superior to shinigami then?  if he thinks they ought to be companions of equal status?  simply put:  because zanpakuto and their feelings for their shinigami counterpart are pure.  they are not swayed by outside influences.  they do not waiver in their loyalty.  they only have the best intentions of growth Together in their ‘hearts’.  that’s why they’re superior.  

oetsu has little faith that shinigami could be so selfless.

* i do want to make a small note in rereading this that oetsu,  in particular to ichigo and renji in this interaction,  is being Harsher than necessary.  he might be slightly more lax in his views than he seems here but due to him trying to  make a point  and get the message across overall that zanpakuto are more than they are currently seen as (by all shinigami really) he says some pretty black and white statements that force them to critically think about  “how do i really treat my zanpakuto?” and “is it right?”

[kiefbowl]

here's a story from my catholic days.

so I was a freshman in college, and I had been coming to terms with the fact that I didn't want to be catholic and what's more I never really ever believed in god. but I was 18 and my family is catholic, so there was still some small part of me that was like "okay, let me give this another try" for the sake of peace in the family, blah blah blah

so after months of not going to mass, I went to ash wednesday mass. I don't remember it except the priest talked about lent and about giving up things for lent. he opened with "do you know what I'm giving up for lent?" and there was silence and he said "SIN." and everyone laughed and he said "no really" and the whole point of his sermon was that many catholics get caught up in the ceremony of the traditions they don't really connect with the purpose of them any more. and he said sure you can say you're giving up facebook or cake or whatever, but the point was not to just make yourself suffer but find a tangible representation of sin in your life, and use lent to practice daily to avoid it. I wasn't won over to start being catholic again all of a sudden, but I was like "hmm, that makes sense, that gives a context no one gave before" so I was a little impressed. I thought this was a worthwhile discussion.

so then for spring break I went down to see my aunt and uncle with my family, and my uncle is my godfather. I'm guessing in retrospect he was trying to be godfathery and check up on if college was making me lose my catholic faith (he was on the money!). He asked me "what are you giving up for lent" now I hadn't actually given up anything for lent because I wasn't practicing lent. So I said "Sin" in the same good humor way the priest did, hoping this would prompt discussion about what the priest said in the ash wednesday mass. It did not, because he rolled his eyes - he thought I was being flip and cheeky. I really wasn't. So I started to explain what I meant and he just shut me down and said "so you're not really giving anything up for lent?" like he caught me in a big lie and was being really aggressive and demanding. So I just shut the fuck up lol

I've been commuting to my parents house for a couple weeks lately to work because of issues with my apartment. And it's smack in the middle of lent so I hear them talking about not eating meat on fridays and just now heard my mom tell my sister that "dad is giving up diet coke for lent." And it's brought this memory up about the ash wednesday sermon and my uncle. I think that moment passed by as mostly insignificant for me, but actually I think it might be extremely significant in my choice to cut out catholicism in my life. I think by demonstrating that he was not interested in faith the one way I could possible still be convinced to hold on, by providing meaningful context to the traditions we do regarding the spiritual reasonings we do it. Does that make sense? I needed a logical and significant reason to be catholic if I was going to be catholic (and ladies - if you've never been religious, this isn't impossible. many religious leaders who have studied are very good at this and are in fact deeply invested in this concept, but I digress...). But in one swoop my uncle could only see my actions as insolent and denied the conversation, proving to me once and for all that my family as a whole is just catholic because they never decided not to be. They just DO it, and the traditions and actions we do as catholics are just because that's what's done, and why we do it to better ourselves or our faith or our relationship with god is unimportant - again, blah blah blah

And so to hear my mom just now tell my sister "dad is giving up diet coke for lent" I just want to scream. Is it because it's an addiction he wants to address? Is he battling an addictive personality that prevents him having a relationship with god? Does he feel like he's more likely to sin when he drinks diet coke? Does he recognize a sin in diet coke??? IS IT ACTUALLY A VICE?? or is it just something he likes and he knows lent is about giving shit up.

I always thought I was respecting my parents' faith by not bullshitting them. If I go to church and go through the motions even though I don't believe a lick of it, isn't that more disrespectful than being true to my own beliefs? It's basically saying "the motions are more important than the dogma, and I think the motions are fucking silly so I don't give a shit if I do them to please you" but tbh...so many religious people are perfectly content at the idea of people just appearing to believe in these things. it's so hollow and so vain.

I think I meant to make a point but I lost it lol. I just truly feel so uncomfortable about this aspect of this family, especially since I feel in the long run, being raised catholic has done some harm to me. I just wish that if it was this important to them, it was for a reason I could at least accept as understandable. I just want them to make it make sense, but they just blindly follow.

Idk that's it lol :)

[karama9]

Adrien Agreste’s True Self, or

My Two Cents on the Drawing Scene in Lies

I feel this scene told us more about Kagami than Adrien.

She didn't feel like the clown was Adrien's true self, and she's not wrong: it's not all of him, and he was only being a clown then in an effort to follow her instructions so the clowning wasn't even sincere. On the other hand, Adrien being awkward and flustered was sincere because at that moment, he was. And Adrien being awkward is absolutely a part of him that Kagami would find important: it’s something they share.

Does that mean the clown aspect is in fact not Adrien’s true self?

No. It just means it’s neither the aspect of his true self Kagami wants to see nor the one that best matched his actual mood at that time. The episode literally shows us Adrien feels most free as Chat Noir and has the most fun with Ladybug... not when he's Adrien with Kagami. He's freer and enjoys himself more at those times than when he's alone doing whatever his Dad told him to, but it's still not the same as when he's Chat Noir.

I'm not saying Chat Noir is his true self either. As much as we may want to, the part of us that comes forth in our happiest, most free moments is NOT our true self. It's PART of it.

Two key concepts here:

1) People’s true selves have multiple aspects. My true self is someone who loves numbers. Also someone who likes to write and storytelling. Also someone who likes to draw and color. Also someone who's introverted. Also someone who likes attention to a degree (despite the introversion). If I had a secret identity that says, writes stories, the fact I enjoy it and that it's the part of my life that allows me to fully express that part of me would not invalidate the rest of me. The fun loving Chat Noir is a side of Adrien. It's not the only one. He's also the boy who's not good at social interactions despite being very caring and kind because he literally hasn't been socialized properly and is only starting to learn now that he's finally joined society. He's also the boy who desperately wants to make his father happy.

2) Kagami's reaction and opinion are Kagami's. This is why I was saying the scene tells us more about her than about Adrien. The fact she rejects the idea of Adrien clowning around reflecting his true self doesn't mean it doesn't, it means Kagami doesn't think it does. I already mentioned above that she's not completely wrong so I won't get into that again but the point I'm making now is, what she says tells us what she thinks and feels, not what is.

She's trying to identify and capture Adrien's true self, aka a dominant aspect of his true self, but she’s biased and therefore leans towards an aspect that is central to her feelings: one they share. Kagami usually points out they’re “the same” when she’s stating she loves him. It’s important to her. She clearly feels it's part of why they can be good together, that they belong together because they are similar.

This scene shows just how much she values that. She doesn't like when he says clowning around his being himself. She doesn't believe it, and she doesn't like Adrien believing it either. When you look at it under the lens of how important their similarities are to her, how she ties them in to their relationship, it's hardly surprising that this aspect of him, which she doesn't share, is not one she wants to emphasize. I'm not saying she minds it, but of course she wouldn't feel like it's the purest version of him. If she did, she wouldn't feel she and him are the same. If Adrien feels that part of him is his true self, it's like he's saying they're NOT the same. That would definitely be upsetting to Kagami. It's not how she sees him, it's not why she loves him, and it runs opposite to what she thinks makes them a good couple.

And then she cheers up and says he's finally showing his true self when he becomes flustered and stammers... while she literally has him against the wall. This is her recognizing the same struggle to interact with people she often feels, despite the difference in how it's expressed, but also...

She's in control again. With her mother, Kagami has very, very little control over her life. With Adrien, she lies every chance she gets to spend more time with him, but this has two benefits: she gets to spend more time with him, because she CHOOSES to. She gets a choice, she gets control. I'm not calling her a control freak here, but she's deprived of any control normally, and she's craving it. It's not that she wants to control Adrien, I don't think she even realizes what she liked there, but she very literally endorsed the side of Adrien that is under her paw.

And ultimately, that's confirmed by their breakup. Unlike Luka, it's not a case of "let's still be friend" because she's hurt and she's unable to accept Adrien's lies. He doesn't lie to spend time with her, unlike she does. His lies drive a wedge between them because where she's lying to be with him, he's lying when he leaves. It's a significant difference which hurts her impression that they're one and the same, and it makes Adrien one more person who has control over what she does (NOT spend time with him, wait for him, cover for him, etc). Last thing she needs is someone else controlling her, and the realization that Adrien is NOT her spiritual twin and never will be removes her certitude that they're made for each other, which has got to hurt too.

[akaluan]

Soulmate au ask: I was wondering, is there difference in the way shinigami and quincy approach soulmate? Like, cultural difference or belief?

I’m also wondering if there is an actual difference between having a soul for a soulmate or a human?

Also, what would happens to the bond if Erich died? Would it stays even as he become a soul? Since Erich is spiritually aware, would he keeps both his memory and his bond?

So many question but, since a soulbond is well... soul deep, does it affect the inner world if shinigami at all?

Very long response, so cutting it <3 All very good questions tho and this was super fun to write, thank you!

There are many cultural differences between Shinigami / Quincy / and human takes on soulmates! Quincy take is more similar to baseline human take, tbh-- Soulmates are generally good and to be celebrated, just like humans. Where it diverges from there is that, for Quincy, more soulmates tends to be considered "better", in a way? They believe it reflects upon the strength of your soul, that you can / do have more than 1 soulmate, even if you never meet all of them.

However, like I wrote in the very beginning of the AU, Erich having a soulmate mark from the moment he was born is a tiiiiiiny bit of an awkward "let's never talk about this again" sort of thing, because it indicates that one of his soulmates is older than him. No one knows HOW much older, just that Erich isn't the eldest. That's important because Erich is supposed to be the Quincy heir, and having an older soulmate is considered to be an indication that Erich will "need" an older, more learned soulmate, which can indicate either that he's gunna suck balls at being a leader or that the Quincy are going to get into Trouble during his time leading them.

(Of course, if it was discovered that Erich's soulmate is like.. less than a year older than him, those worries go away. Like, if Alexis and Erich had switched birth order, that would be fine and wouldn't mean anything. But they have no evidence of who Erich's first soulmate is, so.... They Worry. Especially bc he's so far proven to be a pretty reliably leader.)

Shinigami, on the other hand, sort of view soulmates as... very private things. Humans / Quincy view the MARKS as something a bit sacred and not to be flaunted, but the fact that ppl are soulmates is definitely a discussion topic and the source of many songs etc. (Songs about the marks / shape of marks / etc are generally labeled risque in the period this fic is set in, so like.. 1940s-50s ish, I think?)

Shinigami don't talk about who they're soulmates with. Sometimes they don't even go out of their way to FIND their soulmates, especially since, well... as shown by Kisuke, it IS possible to have a soulmate in the Living World, and that's a bit of a no-no. The fact that soulmates can sense/communicate with each other's blades is DEFINITELY never discussed in more than hushed whispers. It's Just Not Done.

I'm not quite sure what your second question means, but I'm going to guess and if I'm wrong lmk xD

2) "if there is an actual difference between having a soul for a soulmate or a human?"

So a person with no soulmate has basically "Bleach standard" sort of souls, chain of fate and everything. People WITH soulmates tend to have other ties leading away from them, and those ties can keep them from hollowfying if they're strong enough! At least for a time. Effect also increased by number of soulmates they connected with during their life. In this world, it's not exactly uncommon for soulmates to report seeing the ghosts of their dead soulmates -- everyone's essentially "spiritually sensitive" when it comes to their soulmates! But only people with spiritual powers can see ALL ghosts, still.

3) "what happens to the bond if Erich dies"

It doesn't go away! Soulmates are soulmates even through multiple cycles of death and rebirth, and it takes very specific things to break it! One of those things is repudiation, like what Tanya suggests early on -- that basically says "you are definitely no one I can ever come to like or care for, so we are NOT soulmates no matter what this universe says!" and it has repercussions for both partners in that specific lifetime, because you're essentially cutting a pseudo chain of fate, so it takes a cycle or two to entirely heal from it. Another is the Quincy style of unmaking, which.. yeah. It's a bit Awkward when you think about it, since the Quincy are essentially going "this soul and all souls it has consumed are being returned to the ether, to become brand new souls in time" which.. basically erases any soulmate link they ever had.

Also, a soul can "collect" new soulmates slowly as it ages and comes into contact with more and more other souls, but these new links don't form until the person has died and been reborn in the living world. They're just little proto-links until that point.

Soulmates are not guaranteed to always be "in the cycle" at the same time -- I'm assuming that there isn't entirely a smooth transition between Living / Dead / Living in this reality, so that sometimes a soul can pause to "rest", especially if something traumatic happened to it in the previous life -- and they're never guaranteed to MEET in every life, but unless one of the above actions happen, the same souls will tend to gravitate towards each other time and time again.

Erich won't lose his memories or his bond when he dies, and neither will Alexis-- I'm almost always operating under the idea that souls retain their memories even into death, until time / effort / trauma washes them away in SS. (We're shown in the anime that parrakeet boy remembers Chad, so I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that memories in SS work the same as memories in the Living World. You just.. slowly forget things over time, and in SS you have a LOT of time to forget and make a new life.)

Memory loss happens upon rebirth into the Living World, so as long as none of the three "die" as souls, they're going to be together for quite a while.

4) does the bond affect Shinigami's inner world

Yep! Though Shinigami have to have an active, strong soulmate bond in order to really see the effects. As Kisuke strengthens his connection with Erich and Alexis, he'll start noticing changes to his inner world to reflect that as well. Also, Shinigami with other Shinigami soulmates can draw each other into their inner worlds, so you can shared jinzen together and hang out with your soulmates, their zanpakutou, and your own zanpakutou at the same time!

It's possible for Kisuke to learn to draw Erich and Alexis into his inner world, but it's going to take significant practice on all three of their parts, since it requires a lot of trust and a lot of practice at a skill that Erich and Alexis don't innately have.

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry - Post Yule & Christmas

Okay, so far this forum of mine has discussed some very off the wall topics that invade my head throughout the day. Some very self destructive thoughts, and some self awareness thoughts. Thoughts on religion, video games, spirituality. Hell, I may even choose to discuss sexual exploration in the future. Who knows? All I know is that after looking back at some of my posts, I’m starting to realize how chaotic one individuals thoughts can be. How genuinely complex a humans life and mind can truly be. 

Think about it, if you’ve read my posts in the past, regarding witchcraft, self care, self love, eating awareness, hyperawareness, overthinking, and so on and so forth, then you would think you’d be able to point me out in a crowd. 

The truth is, you wouldn’t. A great deal of my writing is simply the regurgitation of my persistent, sometimes unrelenting, thoughts. I’m noticing the complexities of humanity, and it’s beautiful and tragic all at once.

Last time we spoke, I discussed in a mini post that Judy Alvarez was mine for the taking a staple of independence and power to me and that getting my power back was of high priority to me. It’s been a few days, but this still remains a significant thought in my head. I find myself becoming more and more enthralled by her character and persona, drawn into why I relate to her as much as I do. Then, I noticed the underwater life she loves so much, and am reminded of the blue jellyfish behind my left ear. I see her whale tattoo and think of the same one I have under my left boob. I think of how I wanted to shave the right side of my head similar to Judy’s hair back in High School and my mom telling me it wouldn’t look good. And finally, I think of her selflessness, and her need to help a traumatized soul, and how I used to be a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, just trying to help a traumatized soul. I relate to her in more ways than one, as silly and stupid as it sounds, and these may be extremely minute to notice, but important for me. 

My boyfriend and I had a few conversations this weekend, all separate times, that really pinned me to myself. One conversation, he asked me what exactly I believed, in that moment, when it came to religion and spirituality. From there we got into a lengthy discussion (mostly my fault) where I explained my thoughts in detail. One quote I said stood out (I was also stoned so when I said it, it came out as a surprise to me as well), for I digress from the want to overexplain myself. 

As I told my boyfriend, Hyperawareness will destroy a man before it enlightens him. And this year, Hyperawareness seemed to be the proprietor of my mind, for it most definitely would have destroyed me had I continued.

Another conversation we had, which we both agreed to, was the power of our physical bodies directly correlating to past experiences we’ve had with other humans. Also, our relationship with unsustainable lifestyles.

Example, my body issues are founded on the idea that I wasn’t allowed to be a tomboy and play sports or take karate or MMA Fighting classes, but I also wasn’t perceived as delicate and pretty because of my weight/I was bigger than other girls. I was discouraged from doing the physical things I was interested in, and gave up as a result.

Those experiences have perpetuated in many areas of my life as well. In High School, I chose Shop as my number one elective and Weight Training as my second. They chose to put me in Theatre and Intensive Reading instead (Intensive Reading is a class kids take when they make below average on state wide tests). Now, my first choices were classes I felt would develop my character and reflect the life I wanted to live, and I was told it was a bit manly for me to choose those classes. Now, as an adult, I don’t go out of my way to work on mechanics, even though it’s an interest of mine and I haven’t done weight lifting because I thought I’d look like a man. False ideas.

When you are denied your own personality as a child, and don’t realize that is what is happening because it is still happening, it becomes a spiral of what options do you actually have? You become an open book for others influences to freely write in, because you want to be your own independent self but you don’t even know who or how that person is. So, for a while when I got out of High School I was clinging to others personalities in an attempt to find myself. That’s not a good way of doing it, either. 

I lived to please, so when people called me Sunshine, I figured the Sun didn’t wear a lot of black and didn’t act like a man. 

Reality check, I was overthinking it.

I should dress and live how I see fit, regardless of the typical aesthetic. Fuck the idea that I have to subscribe to one aesthetic anyways. If I want to own a Bee Hive, a Cottage in the Mountains by the river with a tiny self sustaining garden, all while wearing black alternative outfits that somewhat line the aesthetic of post apocalyptical,  then fuck yes I’m going to be a gentle, bright, motorcycle loving, knife wielding, MMA Fighting, Yoga and Meditation doing, soft spoken bad bitch. 

Here’s the thing, I haven’t even bought myself clothes this year, because people were literally buying clothes for me. WHICH I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL FOR!!!! But, over the weekend I got rid of a lot of those clothes because they restrict my personality, I never wear them or they don’t fit anymore.

After the lengthy conversations, we both agreed that our youthful selves are not finished being fully alive. We didn’t stop being young once we got out of High School, we stopped being young when we started saying we were too old. So, we are starting to set goals together. Getting rid of old clothes was the first step, and we took into consideration that we are still individuals just helping each other accomplish a common goal, so the next step is our physical selves. 

The plan is to clean out our storage room and transform it into a self-care/training area. Together, we will start the P90X after work on some days, while I try to keep up with yoga on my off days. This month, being aware of what I eat without the focus of losing weight has helped me actually lose weight. Now, focusing on my workout regime is the goal. Not to lose weight, but to be able to start MMA Fighting Classes. 

MMA Fighting is something I started in High School right before going to college, but never finished. It’s something I want to commit to so as to release anger while Yoga will help me process my anger. So, healthy eating to support energy, and healthy workouts! I have also been having more endometriosis pain than usual, so avoiding my health won’t help me!

Spiritual wise, I want to focus on my better self. I want to put more effort into me rather than letting myself go in a world of people who don’t care if my personality exists or not. I want to be open, strong and powerful in what I believe. I want to own my shit, and fuck anyone who wants to stop that type of Sunshine. In the words of Meghan Thee Stallion, “Fuck being good, I’m a bad bitch. I’m sick of motherfuckers tryna tell me how to live.”

I’m inconvenient, and I’m happy with that. I’m not perfect, but I’m a process. I’m not weak and quiet, I’m strong and silent. 

This specific post is a reclamation of my power. Somewhere along the road of this shitty adult life, I forgot the beauty in my own power. I’m equal, not less than.

Thank you for reading, if you did. This is, again, one of those things where I am journaling my thoughts, and trying to go over everything in my head without going crazy. If you thought this was annoying, just remember I deleted 5 paragraphs before posting, because I was overthinking and didn’t want to overexplain. (I do everything in copious quantities). If it bothered you, look past my post. If you related, let’s talk about it. All in all, thank you for being alive, darling. I’ll see you later!

[smearsyd]

Safe in Your Arms | PCY | Part Three— Final

Lee Seoyun had scars.

Perhaps she had been saved from physical scars, but they were visible enough to her. Thick reminders stood out in her mind that made words like worthless, not good enough, not grateful enough, unloveable, feel like a second skin. She didn’t think she was capable of healing— her parents had told her that she would always be broken, and weren’t your parents the ones who were supposed to know you the best?

So years ago, when Seoyun tragically spilled her hot chocolate all over the front of poor Park Chanyeol’s winter sweater, she was expecting severe backlash— not a forgiving smile and definitely not a new friend. Muchless, Seoyun never in a million years would have imagined that Park Chanyeol would soon be falling in love with someone like her. To be the person who made her, for the first time, feel safe in his arms.

This is Seoyun healed, despite her scars.

characters:

+ park chanyeol (exo), you as lee seoyun (because names are important)

what to expect:

+ christmas + boyfriend!au + fluff and romance

length:

+ 3 parts, bonus drabbles + 25kish in total

warnings:

+ sensitive topics + mentions of traumatic past + smut on part two

read it here: (updating… stay tuned)

+ part one + part two + part three + bonus +  masterlist

author’s note:

+ final part! I hope you enjoy!! please let me know what you think and look forward to the bonus! 

if you want to be tagged, please reply to this post!

@bbhmystar @itsmesa​ @yeolliedimple​ 

Christmas Day

She woke up alone, and what was worse than waking up alone?

Saying goodbye? Being late? She didn’t know anymore. Not when all she really wanted was to wake up next to the one she loved every morning, every night, every in between. If she was waking up next to him, then everything else seemed less significant.

Seoyun’s legs felt restless without his warmth to succumb them to sleep. Her fingers too, they searched for him underneath the cooled silk of their sheets. And yet, they came back empty-handed.

Her eyes found their way open, peeling back against once heavy sleep to peer through what she has come to understand as an empty room.

The worst part— it wasn’t even morning.

Maybe he was peeing. Very possible.

The light wasn’t on though, and he never walks around in the dark, he’s too clumsy.

Water, maybe? The full bottle by his nightstand seemed to shrug at her.

She was getting up the next moment. She wasn’t sure why either, but something ached at the thought of being alone on Christmas Eve; some small part of her that looked an awful lot like the child who spent too many sleepless nights wrapped up in only her own tiresome company.

She padded through their cracked door and found herself tracing the memorized path down the corridor. A soft glow met her on the other side, an illumination of warmth that outlined exactly what she was seeking.

“Chan?”

She was whispering into a still house, not even the creak of the wood floor beneath her displacing the heavy air. Not until he turned— that was when the shadows seemed a little less daunting. A hum of his soothing voice reached towards her and the space around her vibrated to life.

He was sitting back in his favorite spot on the couch, stretched as if moments away from falling asleep, yet eyes so clear she knew there was no way. Hair rumbled like a mop on his head, tired lines worn thin between his eyes, a red palm as if it were carrying the weight of restless thoughts— she wondered then, what exactly was on his mind?

“Seoyun…” His voice crackled like spoked firewood.

She felt her feet begin to tug her in his direction, wanting to be as intimate as possible. Chanyeol reached out when she was close enough, and clasped their hands together, pulling her lightly down to sit in his lap. She sighed, resting her head against his comforting chest like there was nowhere else it belonged.

“You’re still awake? You should be sleeping.”

His hands came to wrap in her hair, his chest playing a calm rhythm against hers.

“You weren’t there.” Was all she could think to say.

Chanyeol paused his light caressing, making her crack her eyes open to take a long look up at him. It was as if he was shocked by her words, though she couldn’t be for sure. And then, as if he had made his mind up about something, he smiled softly and pulled her even closer to him.

“I tried not to wake you,” he breathed out, “but I suppose that didn’t work out too well.” She shook her head, giving him a small pout that he chuckled lightly at. “I’m sorry, I just needed a moment to rethink some things, so I came down here.”

She wished, suddenly, that she could be the person that could smile, say it’s okay, and move on. Because if she were, then she wouldn’t be sitting here, tensing up from the worry of wondering what he meant by rethinking. A tight feeling of unease was settling over her chest like a cloud of acid rain and all she could think was, surely not because of what happened last night, not me, right?

Courage found her somewhere in all of that, her voice barely above a whisper when she asked, “Rethinking what?”

He took in her stressed appearance with a slight tilt to his head, a curious gleam filling his eyes before blooming to tenderness.  

"Oh, no baby." He instantly mumbled, a look of tenderness in his eyes that seemed to show how easily he could read her. "I wasn't re-thinking you, never you." He reassured, leaning down to place a delicate kiss on the crown of her head, the touch leaving a lingering feeling of warmth that was more spiritual than physical.

Seoyun felt her lungs deflate in relief and once again, she felt a tad bit silly for overreacting about things she already knew the answer to. He loved her and she knew that— she could feel it in every touch, every word, every gesture. She hoped that he could feel the same from her.

"Do you want to talk about it, maybe I could help you." She found herself saying, blinking her eyes awake in order to will herself to focus. If Chanyeol could help her with all of her problems, then she could return the favor.

Chanyeol, though, let out a light humm in response that sounded closer to content-ness than distress, as if he were still caught in the idea of something great.

"Let's just go back to bed, I think you already helped me make up my mind."

Seoyun didn't protest, already dreaming about how nice the bed would feel with both of them in it. She stretched closer to him instead, wrapping her arms and legs around his body. He let a rumble of laughter run down his torso at her actions that had her chest feeling light.

"Clingy much?" He teased, standing up with her tightly wrapped in his embrace. His footsteps were lulling her to sleep as he climbed up the steps and into the room, setting her gently on the bed so he could pull his shirt up and over his shoulders, the mess falling onto the floor with a silent thump. She watched though dazed lids as he crawled under the covers, landing with a huff next to her. He closed his eyes immediately, snuggling his content face into the side of her soft pillow.

A yawn escaped his large mouth, drawing attention to the soft dimple on his cheek. Seoyun couldn't help herself when she leaned down and dropped a lingering kiss there before resting beside him.

Before she could settle, his arms were trailing around her small frame and capturing their bodies closely together. He stuffed his face into his spot on her neck, soft lips brushing the skin there delicately. And as she finally let her eyes fall shut, a hand threaded down her waist and interlocked with hers. A feeling of warmth spread through her chest as she let herself let go, his steady heartbeat bringing her back to a peaceful sleep.

They stayed like that, hand in hand, until morning came.

…

A delicious smell was meandering through the air and tickling Seoyun's senses awake as they lingered dangerously close to her nose. She could feel herself being pulled from her precious sleep at its enticement, her eyes threatening to crack open all by themselves to take a peek at what could possibly be the source of something so sweet and so, so savory.

A small noise that sounded similar to a door creaking helped her to stir fully awake, her numb hand coming up to brush the tired away from her eyes.

The first thing she noticed was that the cream drapery had been pulled back from the window, giving view to a beautiful baby blue sky dappled with snowflakes that seemed like little presents from above. The sight alone was enough to make her day, but then something in the corner of her eye caught her attention, making her willingly drag her gaze on the source of their distraction.

Unbeknownst to her, a delicate smile began to trace onto her lips as she watched Chanyeol set a tray filled with an assortment of mouthwatering foods down onto the bedside table. He though, believe-it-or-not, was what she was more interested in. He seemed content, a permanent look of tenderness and dare she think it, amazement, written on his face as his eyes met hers for the first time this morning.

"Merry Christmas." He half-whispered, his eyes boring holes into her like he was incapable of looking away, or maybe was just unwilling to look away. Seoyun's breath caught in her throat at the sound of his deep morning voice. His silvery hair was disheveled like always and there was a splatter of what looked to be strawberry jam on the corner of his lips. He was wrapped in flannel pajamas and her apron that was two sizes too small on him, but that didn't matter. If anything, it made her only want him more.

"Merry Christmas." She finally managed to spit out, fully propping up and giving Chanyeol room to sit down next to her on the bed. "Did you make me all of this?" She asked, gesturing to the plates of steaming goods that was currently testing her self-restraint.

Chanyeol tilted his head as he gazed at her, a twinkling look in his eyes. He shook his head in a manner of yesdistractedly. "Who else?" He blinked. "My girlfriend deserves everything on any plain day, so it only makes sense to be even more extra on Christmas Day and start it off with your favorites in bed, does it not?" He questioned lightly, his tone playful.

"Come here," she reached out for him, not trusting herself to speak anything with the way her heart was beating from his soft words. A deep chuckle escaped his chest as he let her tug him towards her lazily. She felt that her lips could be compared to a heavy magnet, Chanyeol's being the willing paper clip that always manages to get itself stuck.

Chanyeol leaned forward to close the distance, but landed a soft kiss on the apple of her cheek instead, plainly meaning to tease her. "Of course, you can only have it if my baby does something for me in return."

Seoyun pulled back with a slight huff, her eyebrows scrunching up in a mock look of annoyance. "Oh yeah?" She tested. Chanyeol gave her a singular nod back, saying that he was not budging today. "Fine," she relented, the smell of bacon invading her nose once again and making her weak. "What is it you want, and I'll decide on whether-or-not I'll give it to you."

Chanyeol placed a hand on his chin and turned his gaze towards the ceiling as if to demonstrate his process of thinking, even though she was pretty sure he already had in mind his request. Then he turned to her with a confident look that had her hand ready to smack his chest if he requested something stupid.

"Firstly, you have to give me a kiss any time I want.” He laid out firmly, his face almost comically serious. Her heart leaped at his statement and she couldn't help herself when a small giggle escaped her mouth, making Chanyeol's eyes dance as he watched her. Seoyun had already planned to do this with him so she easily nodded, gesturing for him to continue with her hand.

"Secondly, you have to watch old cartoon re-runs with me after we unwrap presents because you know how much I love those." Seoyun found herself agreeing again.

“Easy enough. And the last one?” She asked, her eyes falling to the scrambled eggs she imagined was getting cold.

"Who's to say there is only one more thing?" Chanyeol teased, dropping another kiss on her cheek. Seoyun shot him the look, making him let out a light relenting chuckle.

"The last thing is that you have to promise to go along with anything I say today, even if it seems weird in the moment. Can you do that for me?" His voice was suddenly very soft and hesitant, almost like this was of actual importance, unlike the other two simple requests.

She had originally thought about messing with him until he just relented into letting her have the breakfast, because come on they both know he would drop the requests if she batted her eyelashes enough, but something in the way he was asking made her hesitate.

"Yeah…” She heard herself agree against his persuading eyes. "I think that’s doable."

A brilliant smile overtook his face before he leaned down and finally brushed a lasting kiss on her petal-like mouth. Seoyun decided that more than anything, she loved the sweet taste of his lips, like strawberry and something just so Chanyeol that was too hard to simply put into words.

"Shall we dig in then?" He questioned after pulling back, the dimple on his cheek standing out in an adorable way.

Seoyun nodded her head animatedly in agreement, eliciting a giddy laugh from Chanyeol as he reached over and pulled the plate towards the both of them. Her mouth watered at the sight of what seemed to be all her favorite foods, paired with some traditional ones too that Chanyeol liked.

There was a stack of waffles, since she didn't really like pancakes, sausage patties, fried eggs, hash browns, and then rice and steamed fish alongside some delicious broth that she knew he must have called his mom to get the recipe for.

She reached for a sausage patty before plopping it into her mouth, the savory taste almost making her moan in appreciation. Chanyeol had always been the chef in the house.

"When did you have time to make all of this, it must have taken a few hours, right?" She asked in slight amazement, her fingers grabbing for a slice of apple next.

Chanyeol reached over and tucked a stray piece of hair that was threatening to dip into the syrup of her waffles away behind her ear. He began to cut the steamed fish as he sent her a light shrug. "It didn't take me that long. Although, I was reluctant to leave the bed. You were all cuddled up against me and drooling on our pillow. I should have taken a photo."

Seoyun stopped her chewing, reaching up quickly to wipe away imaginary slobber from her cheek. "I did not!" She protested. "Right?" Her eyes were wide in embarrassment.

Chanyeol let a booming laugh out, slapping the side of the bed in high amusement from her reaction that sent all of the plates jingling together. "You should see your face!" She grumbled in response before looking away with a half-mustered pout.

He reached over and landed another kiss on the corner of her mouth making her turn towards him with a forgiving sigh. Chanyeol guided a fork-full of fish to her mouth once he finished cutting it and checking for any small bones. "Here baby," he offered, brushing open her lips with the pad of his thumb before spooning in the tasty fish.

Her heart skipped a beat at the content look he had on his face from feeding her, watching her chew and swallow with delight. "Good?" He questioned, his eyes falling to her lips as she licked them clean.

She hummed in delight, forgetting her embarrassment all together. "Delicious."

"I'm glad you're happy." He whispered, sitting back on his elbows as he watched her easily finish off the plates he provided, having had enough himself.

"Why wouldn't I be? I have a boyfriend who loves me and makes me amazing food." She said around her last mouth-full of buttery goodness, almost to emphasize her point with the chewing.

Chanyeol simply let out a content chuckle, tracing patterns on the exposed skin of her ankle. Seoyun munched on the last bit of apple, feeling overly full, but content. She really didn't need to eat all of that, but she knows that Chanyeol likes it when she eats a lot, so she tries to finish everything when he cooks.

"Done?" He asked around a smile, shifting the tray aside when she confirmed that she was indeed done.

"Can we open presents now?" She asked with a little too much enthusiasm, her eyes wide. Christmas might as well turn her into a little kid again with the way Chanyeol spoils her with literally anything she may have asked for throughout the year. She knew he partially does this because of her childhood, but it made her happy regardless of the reason.

He chuckled, holding out his hand for her to take. Seoyun though, bounced over and latched onto his back with a sly smile.

"Carry me?"

"What am I a taxi now?" He asked in an unbelieving voice. He still wrapped his arms under her legs, his hands pinching lightly on the soft skin there, making her squirm. Seoyun nodded her head at him, liking what it felt like to be the one at the head of the teasing.

"Well," he started, abruptly standing up so she had to cling to him. "You better pay me then."

"Can I pay in kisses?"

Chanyeol gave her a look that translated across as that’s obviously the only currency I take. She giggled before leaning over his shoulder and dropping a light kiss on his cheek. He huffed and walked forward to the doorstep, his steps rough as he bounced her on his back. They made it halfway to the stairs before he abruptly stopped.

"This is as far as a cheek kiss will take you Miss, you'll have to pay up to get to your presents."

"Will this do?"

Chanyeol turned his head slightly and then she was smashing her lips onto his, their softness melting together like steaming hot chocolate. He made a noise of appreciation in the back of his throat and she smiled into the kiss, nipping lightly before pulling back.

Hmm, he acted like he was pondering her question, his eyes dancing as he let a breath-taking smile light up on his face. "I think that’ll suffice."

...

Seoyun and Chanyeol sat around piles of discarded decorative gift wrapping, his being haphazardly thrown everywhere while hers lay in organized piles with the wrap still slightly intact. She never would reuse the wrapping, but she hated to demolish something so pretty. Chanyeol, on the other hand, thought that you didn’t do justice to the gift unless the wrapping ended up everywhere.

They had gone through all but the last, most important gifts for one another. They had a policy of opening them one at a time, from a scale of least to most important. Chanyeol had gotten her a bunch of gifts, but what stood out were the cute shaped chocolates from the new corner sweet shop, a really soft scarf that he bought in hopes that she would stop stealing his (not going to happen), and the box set of a book series she mentioned that she wanted a really long time ago—she was impressed with his memory this year.

The part she loved most about Chanyeol's gifts was that they were always picked carefully, after long hours of thought. He never randomly bought something, which in her mind, made everything leaps and bounds more special because it was like a piece of him was going into the gift, no matter how small or taboo.

Seoyun wasn't quite as savvy and thoughtful with her gifts as he was, but she still tried, and he always seemed to be thrilled regardless.

Their messy tree was shining beautifully next to them and Chanyeol's pick of soft jazz was made the mood just right. She realized, with a slight shock, that for the first time in a really long time, she feels nothing but a light buzz in her chest. She found herself humming, and don’t only happy people hum without realizing it?

She felt that warm type of buzz in her veins that makes everything look rosy and giggles to bubble out of her mouth for no reason other than wanting to smile and be happy. There were no fake grins to cover up the pain, heavy pangs at the mention of family, sweaty palms and anxious teeth— she just felt… content.

Purely and so delightfully free as she watched Chanyeol fail to try on a sweater, his laughter making the room warm as he struggled with a bright smile. Maybe, just maybe, she's finally caught up with the breath she has been struggling to take for the past twenty-five years.

Maybe, she's ready to move on.

"Okay, okay." Chanyeol calls lightly. "It's time for our last presents, you give yours first."

"Why do I have to give mine first?" She pouted, standing up because the gift was wrapped in the next room.

"Because mine is more important." He responded with a tease, although his eyes held a look of slight seriousness that made her decide to just go along with him. She did, though, stick her tongue out— he wasn't allowed to win everything.

Seoyun walked into the spare bedroom, more of like an office area, and picked up the slightly heavy box wrapped in bright red paper. She decided to box the gift because otherwise it would have been plain obvious what was contained inside.

"Ready?" She called out, excited for him to get the gift. She knew he was going to love it.

"Obviously,” he snickered.

She plopped the gift down on the carpet in front of him and Chanyeol instantly went at it, tearing the paper away to reveal the cardboard interior. "Wow," he played. "I got a box."

"Shut up you dummy and open it before I bring it back to the shop."

"Yes, Ma'am." He sent her a mock salute, the smile never leaving his dimpled cheeks. Chanyeol finally got the box open and began to pull the gift out, his hands wrapping around it and immediate shock showing on his face. His eyes widened and he looked up towards her with obvious hesitance, but extreme excitement swirling in the sea of mocha.

"You didn't." He muttered, unable to believe what she had done quite yet.

Seoyun smiled a warm smile, one that she could tell made him look again. "Oh baby, I did." She shot back.

Chanyeol let out a girly squeal, or as girly as his deep voice could produce, pulling out the beautiful baby blue Les Paul guitar from the packaging. He has been ogling over this guitar ever since the Music Center in the mall put it on display around six months ago. He had made such a big deal when he first saw it, stopping her and Baekhyun from eating in the cafeteria and dragging them over to the store. He had proceeded to ambush the workers with questions and begging to let him test it out— which they eventually did, probably just because they wanted him to leave already.

She could tell how much he wanted it, so she saved up and purchased the collector’s item a few months later. Chanyeol was genuinely upset the next time they went to the mall when he discovered that it had been sold, the cashiers seemed extremely confused at his dismay to the point where she was afraid they would point out that he had indeed been the buyer, but thankfully nothing of the such happened.

She has been relishing in his anguish ever since, knowing how much of a surprise it would be when he unwrapped it Christmas morning.

"Do you like it?" She questioned, her voice holding back a spout of laughter at his flabbergasted face.

"Like it? Fuck baby, I love it. I love you."

Chanyeol set the guitar carefully back down, sending it a promising look before leaning forward and tackling Seoyun in a hug. He planted playful kisses all along her cheeks, leaving little wet marks that made her squirm under him.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't believe," he placed pebble-like kisses on her nose, "that you," another on her forehead, "bought me that," gentle ones on her eyes, "fucking guitar, I love you so much." He planted one long-lasting kiss on her lips despite her bubbling over laughter.

"You're welcome." She managed, holding her chest from the welcomed pain of laughing so much. "I love you too."

Chanyeol pulled back, his face alight in that golden hour kind of happy glow. "My turn." He whispered, dipping back to land another peck on her delicate lips before producing a small velvet box from his pajama pockets. He reached out and lightly grabbed her wrist, placing the small box in the palm of her hand.

Seoyun felt the air still around her and everything seemed like it was falling away from her— in that moment, she couldn’t think of anything more important than what a small, but simple box could mean for the two of them.

She gulped and tore her eyes from the box to lock them with his. Was this what she thought it was? Was he… could she even think it? His eyes did not betray his intentions, and something in her stomach was way too afraid to just ask.

That meant she had to open it.

Chanyeol seemed to understand that too, looking extremely content with the reaction he was producing from her. "Are you going to open your gift? I'm waiting patiently baby, you don't want me to wait any longer do you?"

She blinked at him before looking back at the box, her chest swirling with unspeakable emotions. She felt herself slowly push the box open, coming to face the contents with her bottom lip pulled in between her teeth.

Seoyun's breath caught in her throat and she looked up at Chanyeol with a look of extreme betrayal, reaching over and hitting him as hard as she could across the chest. He doubled over in laughter, his loud bursts ringing off of the walls.

“Yah, how could you trick me like that Park Chanyeol!" Seoyun accused with a finger jabbing into his chest. "I should break up with you for playing me!"

She glanced back at the gorgeous set of diamond earrings with slight contempt, noticing their beauty, yet disappointed that it wasn't something else. Chanyeol seemed to know exactly what he had done, not even bothering to correct her. He was such a tease; she was going to get him.

"Seo,” he started, trying to calm down his frantic chuckles. "What did you think was in the box?"

She huffed, sending him a glare. "You know exactly what I thought was in the box."

Chanyeol came closer to her side, pulling her into his lap despite her quiet protests. "Don't worry," he whispered into her ear, nuzzling his nose into the side of her neck. His voice sounded so full of honey-like warmth that it made her slightly forget why she was mad. It began to make her wonder if he did that as a test to see how she would react. He seemed pleased if that was the case.

"You're the only woman I'll marry, if you let me of course. That box is coming, as long as you’ll forgive me for this one."

He sent her a lazy wink and once again, Seoyun felt the air stop in her throat as she looked deep into his mocha eyes. Eyes that told her she could trust him, that he wasn't teasing this time, that he would love her and only her for a long, long time.

"You promise?" She whispered, feeling a slight pinch of deja vu.

"I promise."

...

Seoyun took cover behind a small tree in their front yard, frantically scooping down with hands shaking from laughter and balling up more snow to throw back in defense. Chanyeol was currently winning their snow fight and that was not going to work for her.

"Try and hide from me all you want, but I’m telling ya’ now that you’re not gonna’ win." His voice echoed over the lawn and she swallowed a shallow giggle as he mistakenly took her for a fool— she was so far from where he was looking, there was no way he’d find her now. There was a monstrous snowball in his hand, but she was prepared, her pockets lined with small, but painful balls of tightly packed snow. She was going to win.

Or so she thought.

“There you are!” He was in front of her then, how did that happen? And that snowball was now inches from creating her demise.

He reared his arm back in anticipated glory, but he was too late. Seoyun was already attacking, his snowball being thrown haphazardly in a direction not even close to her as she catapulted ball after ball into his face. She decided then that this wasn't a game for the weak.

Chanyeol fell to his knees like a prince who knew he had lost, clutching his chest with gloved hands. His nose was red from the cold air, bits of ice blending in with his halo like hair. Seoyun thought he looked glowing among the piles of fluffy snow, his doomed eyebrows turned in and his lips only moments from releasing his battle cry.

"I surrender!" He finished, falling backwards with a silent thud onto the blanket of snow. “Even I am no match for you.”

She glittered in the overwhelming wave of success. "I told you I would win!" She teased, plopping down next to him. "That means you owe me hot chocolate and a back rub when we get back, inside like you promised."

"Yes, my princess." He relented with a sigh.

Seoyun hummed in content, fanning her arms back and forth to make a snow angel next to Chanyeol. He eyed her before following suit, his long arms construing the side of her angel's face.

"Hey..." She sniffed, pushing his arm back down. Her frozen hands were beginning to numb, but his were toasty. She thinks he must have some sort of superpower to stay so warm, but even if she couldn't have the same power, at least she had full access to someone who did.

She scooted closer until she could lay her head on his chest, his arm coming to wrap around her shoulder and twist the long locks of her hair between his fingers. She felt oddly at ease in his embrace, the sky bright above them and the warmth from each other enough to fight away the brisk cold that always accompanies winter.

She didn't know how long they stayed like that, warming in each other's arms before Chanyeol broke the silence, his voice so, so delicate that she almost thought she had imagined it.

"Baby, remember what I asked of you this morning?"

"I'll still watch cartoons with you when we go inside, don't worry."

Chanyeol snorted. "The other one."

Ohh. "Follow along with anything you ask, no matter how weird it may seem?"

Chanyeol hummed in response, his honey eyes boring into hers like a wish needing to be spoken. So gentle, yet so strong.

"What about it?" His heart had begun a thumping rhythm under hers, and nervousness pillowed down around them.

Chanyeol gave her a light squeeze before moving to stand up, pulling her to mirror his actions. She felt her heart struggle to catch up with his, feeling that their emotions were somehow in sync.

"Close your eyes Seo."

Seoyun titled her head to the side, but at seeing the resolved look in his eyes, decided to play along like he asked. She felt Chanyeol take her hand lightly in his and then she felt his lips brush her knuckles every so delicately, like she was something incredibly fragile to him.

"Okay.”

She blinked her eyes open and found herself gazing down to where Chanyeol was kneeling on one knee, his unoccupied hand holding a beautiful diamond ring nestled in a gold satin box. Her heart became a heavy weight in her chest, stopping its beating all together as warmth threatened to spill down her rosy cheeks.

She tore her eyes from the box and rested them upon Chanyeol's loving ones, the strong look reflecting back that he was honest, and that this time, it was real.

"Seoyun," he started, his voice coated in a tremor that was thawing the iced nerves she stood on. "I love you. I think I have since the moment I saw you. It’s more than just that, though. You gave me a purpose, a home, something to look forward to and cherish with everything I have in me.

“This world, it’s huge and you and I are so, so small. But when I stand next to you, it feels like things are a little less hopeless and that maybe, we can find our way through if we simply stay together.”

He gulped, hand enveloping mine like a promise. “So stay with me?”

Seoyun was gasping for air at this point, hot tears rolling down her cheeks and leaving streaks as evidence of her joy. Her chest was aching from the amount of love she was feeling and all of a sudden all she wanted was to be his, forever. Her love and want for him is unlike anything she has or will experience. The love they share was built on broken hearts, tempered to bend and grow stronger and meant to last longer than a lifetime.

"Where else would I be?”  

Identical grins of relief and pure excitement broke through on the both of their faces. He didn't waste a second pulling the ring out of the box and pushing it gently onto her finger. It rested perfectly, a helpful reminder of his promises.

And then she was in his arms, snow flurrying all around them as their backs kissed the ground. She squeezed and squeezed and squeezed until she felt some sort of reassurance that this was real. Chanyeol, though, didn't seem to mind— his grip around her waist equally as strong, like he needed to be reassured just as much as she did.

"Chanyeol," she whispered after a long while, her voice strained from shredded tears. She was sure they looked like little snow people by now, all cuddled up together and covered in the white fluff. "Why now? Why propose now and not years before?"

He hummed underneath her, bringing her even impossibly closer. "I wanted to, I’ve been carrying this ring around for longer than you can imagine, but I wanted to wait."

"Wait for what?"

"I knew that I wanted to be with you and that you did too, even if we hadn’t outrightly discussed it. I needed to wait, though, until I knew that you loved yourself just as much. I didn't want to rush things because what was most important for you these past few years was to realize that you are just as important and lovable with or without me. I'm positive now that regardless of your past, you won't let it define you. You know your worth and you have finally come to love yourself for that.

And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Seoyun gulped, biting back another onset of tears as she held him close to her, one heart next to another.

He was right, of course, she was proud of herself and the long way she has climbed to reach this point. The version of Seoyun he met so many years ago would be amazed in ways that are unspeakable. So, all she could say was:

“Thank you.”

She’s safe in his arms, like the whole world could be against her and it wouldn't matter, not as long as they had each other— she knew how he felt. Seoyun knew too that although her past doesn’t define her, it helped mold her into who she is today. The things she chooses to let go, are much paler in comparison to what she intends to hold onto.

Seoyun pulled back and looked at him, really looked at him, taking in the mess of silver locks, the deep pull of mocha eyes swirling with an emotion she could only place as love, the curve of his face leading down to the dimple she loves to kiss, his sweet pink lips.

She felt his hand come up to cup her cheek and she decided that this was how she would live for the rest of her life: safe, warm, and very loved in the arms of Park Chanyeol.

And she was more than okay with that.

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[fedrabbler]

Dimidue Drabble

Gardening was something Dedue very much enjoyed, so whenever he was scheduled for tending to the greenhouse, it was less a chore than a pleasant reprieve from his typical routine. It could almost be said that for him, it was more of a religious experience--unlike choir practice. It perhaps ought to have been the opposite, but he had little interest in the Goddess of Fódlan. No, the direct participation in the life cycle provided by the natural world was something far more powerful for him, both because it resembled more closely his Duscur spiritual roots, but also because it was simply closer, more present and real, and tangible; it wasn’t so unreachable and abstract as some far away Goddess sitting in her heavenly theatre as the story of life played out before her. 

Today, however, he would not be able to devote his full attention to such esoteric niceties, although he couldn’t say he was entirely displeased, either. The Professor had seemed to finally comprehend the most important of his duties, a task that exceeded any significance of lessons, training, and class chores: serving his Highness, Dimitri, crown prince and heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Faerghus. Truly, if he trained, it was in order to be Dimitri’s weapon and shield; if he studied, it was only to aid his soon-to-be King; and if he gardened, it was solely for the purpose of producing the highest-quality ingredients for the sake of his Highness’s health. So for the Professor to pair the two in their chores, be it in the kitchen, stables, or the greenhouse, the Duscur man was grateful, as it allowed him both to work and keep an ever-watchful eye on the only person who mattered to him in all the world. 

And yet it did not come without challenges all its own…

“Dedue,” his lord called him, drawing his attention away from a small patch of root vegetables and out of his thoughts. “Shall I weed this section over here today? Or perhaps I could assist you in…” Dimitri paused a moment, fair brows furrowing as he concentrated for a moment, “...in whatever it is you’re presently doing?”

A slow blink was the most Dedue would permit himself in reaction to the blond’s eagerness to help in spite of his own naïvite toward all things proletarian. 

“You needn’t trouble yourself at all, Your Highness.” he answered in his typical stern tone. “This sort of work does not befit one with such status as yourself. Please permit me to perform this lowly task in your stead. Should you wish to return the favour, then you may credit me half the work when we report to the Professor.” Of course, Dedue knew his benevolent prince would never allow such a thing. But he’d curse himself for a solid year (at least!) if he didn’t at least put in some effort to preserve Dimitri’s elevated purpose in life..

“That’s your idea of equal compensation, is it?” Dimitri chuckled. Even though it was sourced in objection, Dedue couldn’t prevent the corners of his own lips from quirking upward at the sound of his amusement. “You do all of the work, and receive half the credit? That’s hardly fair!”

“I do not recall mention of equality or fairness, Your Highness. But if we were to discuss it, then I would argue that it is indeed unfair for anyone, Professor, institution, or otherwise, to demand such menial tasks from a man who will soon be King.”

The disappointed sigh he received in answer crumbled any resolve Dedue might have otherwise possessed to argue further. But of course, Dimitri, the man who truly was far too generous to be king--too willing to lower himself for a bearer of such high status--ensured that the Duscur’s protests were as buried as they were dead.

“My friend,” he pleaded in his devastatingly charming baritone voice. “Do not make me order you to let me to assist you. I couldn’t bear it.”

“Nor could I, Your Highness.” Dedue conceded, his tone softer and gentler now, a deep melodic timbre only Dimitri’s ears were privileged enough to hear. As apology, yet not an apology in the sense that it was meant as a statement that their positions hadn’t changed despite concession--and only because the two were isolated behind closed greenhouse doors--the taller man, only lower for his kneeling over the root vegetable patch, reached out his hand toward the prince. And that tender-hearted prince, knowing full well what was and was not meant by the gesture, neared and extended his own so that his self-proclaimed vassal could slip his fingers beneath the bend of his fingers, guide his hand to his lips, and kiss the spot where there would one day rest a ring. “Forgive me, Your Highness.” A kiss of apology; it was as much a kiss of servitude.

“Only when you forgive me, Dedue.” 

“But there is nothing to forgive...?” 

“Then at last, we are in agreement.” The crown prince smiled, and it was the Duscur’s turn to let out a chuckle. They broke contact so that Dimitri could motion a hand over Dedue’s current project. “Now, what is it that you’re doing, and how can I be of assistance?” 

“I’m merely planting root vegetable seeds, here. And then there is another clear path set aside for planting herbs. A monk reported to have done the weeding earlier today, so all that remains after planting the seeds is fertilising the new plants, and watering the others.” 

“Seems simple enough.” Dimitri knelt down next to his friend. “ Alright. Show me how to plant the seeds, and perhaps I shall plant the herbs? And we could split the watering between us?” 

“Indeed, but please allow me the sole task of fertilising the garden.”

There was a moment’s pause before it was Dimitri’s turn to concede, no doubt concluding it simply wasn’t worth the hassle of another argument. “...Very well.”

“Thank you. Now let us begin.”

~*~

The speed at which Dimitri could transform a simple task into absolute disaster shouldn’t have surprised him anymore, yet only a few moments had passed and to say the finely cultivated topsoil had become a mess would be an understatement to say the least. And all he could do was kneel beside his deafeningly silent friend in ungovernable shock and embarrassment. The once-neat and carefully-prepared patch of soil meant for the onion, carrot, and turnip seeds now bore a rough and cragged appearance far more suitable for stable grounds than a greenhouse--let alone one of the most well-known and most botanically diverse greenhouses in all of Fódlan! Really! How could he have possibly expected any other outcome? How was it that after all his years of accidentally snapping weapons and shattering fine glassware--and that one time he’d accidentally splintered the chestplate of his father’s ceremonial armour, costing who-knew-how-much to replace--and yet not learned his lesson? If his hands were involved, there was no small chance that, if not immediately, he would, at some point, break or ruin whatever it was he was holding or trying to do.

Dedue, having spent so much time near the young prince over the past four years, nearer than anyone had and quite possibly ever would be to him, was intimately aware of what was going on in Dimitri’s mind. The blond was no doubt burying himself in self-ridicule. He felt utterly inept--completely and undeniably worthless--for failing to perform a simple task. Perhaps he would even misinterpret the Duscur’s silence as a sign of his disappointment. This could not be further from the truth, of course; there was never a moment when Dedue lacked pride in his future king, and this would be made clear quickly enough once Dimitri recovered himself, or offered Dedue some indicator of exactly where he was in the spiral of his own mind. He’d long since discovered that anything said prior to meeting one of these conditions would yield little to no benefit. 

In less than a moment, which seemed much longer to the both of them, the blond’s features faded from shock to calm resignation. After another few seconds passed, he sighed deeply. 

“I… I’m sorry, Dedue. I’ve created more work for you.” He said, finally. Dedue remained still, knowing these were not words to be addressed. A few seconds later, Dimitri continued: “I did my best, truly. But I suppose you were right to suggest that I do nothing.”

“You overcorrected.” Dedue stated simply. “That is all.” He hadn’t allowed himself even to move while the young lord came back to himself, but now that there was conversation, he bent forward to gather and sweep the soil back into its assigned plot of space, carefully evening it out. He didn’t bother to search for or recover the seeds that his highness had attempted to sow; there were plenty enough in the pouch they’d been given to cover for any mishaps. He’d simply have to monitor the growth of the vegetables to make sure nothing sprouted where it shouldn’t, a task he’d have to do regardless of a few lost seeds.

“You said I was pressing too hard.” the blond said, full of regret as he began walking them through what had happened.

“You were.”

“And then you said I was pressing too softly.” Dimitri sounded even sadder now.

“You were.” 

“And then…” A pregnant pause.

“You overcorrected.” Dedue repeated, not allowing his delicate lord to leap into the void of his mind a second time. “You pressed too hard into the soil again. And because it’s loosely packed when planting, you slid forward and had to catch yourself. If anything, the fault is my own for not having caught you quickly enough. How are your clothes?” “My clothes are just fine.” the blond answered with a frown as he glanced down at his sleeves. Only the cuffs of them were dusted over. “And I cannot allow--”

“Good as new.” the taller man concluded as he finished re-setting the soil.He’d only needed those last few seconds to properly begin redirecting his friend. “Do you disagree, your highness?” His mouth was still open from his attempt to protest Dedue taking any blame. He closed it as his focus shifted to the now perfectly neat patch of soil. And before he could comment at all, Dedue placed a hand over one of the young prince’s, which had up to now been resting palm-down on the tiled floor of the greenhouse. The unexpected touch seemed to startle the blond, and he glanced up at his supposed vassal with a questioning look. “Shall I clear the dust from your hands, or do you wish to continue?”

After a few blinks, Dimitri’s brilliantly blue eyes widened as he realised what was being asked. His answer was slow to come out. 

“You… You would consider continuing with me after…” His gaze slid over to the restored plot before returning to meet Dedue’s own. Secretly, Dedue delighted in watching his expression shift in the smallest ways from pure confusion to cautious hope as he struggled to comprehend the fact that he’d even been offered a second chance. 

“Of course I would, Your Highness.” came the answer to that unfinished question. “You said you wished to help, did you not?”

The prince swallowed. His nod was so slight that had Dedue blinked, he might have missed it. He was grateful he hadn’t.

“Then we shall try once more.” 

Success.

~*~

The second attempt to plant the root vegetable seeds yielded a far better result than the first. Dedue had come up with what he’d hoped, and what proved to be,a better method of understanding the proper manner of seed-planting than simple verbal instructions. He carried several spare hair ties on his person at all time, ever prepared in case anything should happen to the one he wore. It was generally unlikely, but after the first few times it happened, he figured it was better to be prepared than risk looking less than properly presentable next to His Highness. And this preparedness was all the more beneficial today, as they found second purpose: by loosely tying Dimitri’s fingers to his own--placing his larger fingers behind his lord’s more slender ones--he was able to simultaneously instruct him more practically and get the seeds planted. This method proved so successful that by the third row of seeds (five in all were to be planted in the patch), his adorable young lord had become emboldened enough to attempt planting a few seeds using his own strength while Duscur fingers rested against his, just in case. The third row of seeds required only minimal intervention, none for the fourth row, and the final row was planted solely by Dimitri, their hands separated.  

This process was repeated when planting the herbs in the second garden patch and was even more successful than the root vegetables due to the crown prince’s gained experience. The initial blunder preceding this had long been forgotten, replaced by the joy of achievement. To say which of the two was more pleased would have been impossible. And both of their delight was sourced from and directed toward the other: Dimitri was proud of Dedue for being such a patient and excellent teacher; Dedue was proud of Dimitri for persevering and succeeding in the end. 

At the planting of the final seed, the crown prince turned his head toward his friend. When the Duscur simply nodded his approval at his work, he beamed, then caught himself and laughed quietly as he shifted away from the edge of the soil so that he could stretch his legs out straight. Dedue couldn’t help but smile seeing his lord so happy, and reached for his hands so that he could clean the dirt from them. He raised a curious brow at the sound of the blond’s laughter.

“It must seem silly,” he explained, “to be so excited by planting seeds.”

“Not at all, Your Highness.” Dedue answered as he dipped a cleaning cloth into a small bowl of soapy water. He scrubbed each hand gently and thoroughly. “You did well. It would be concerning if you were not pleased by your success.”

“I suppose that’s true, but…” Dimitri paused, considering his next comment as Dedue began working to clear the dirt beneath his nails. “Well, frankly, I don’t just feel excited. I’m also, ah, a bit worn out from concentrating so hard.” He laughed again. “Otherwise I’d be fighting you over washing my own hands.” Dedue didn’t laugh, but the corners of his lips quirked upward a little more, and stayed like that until Dimitri’s hands were rinsed and pristine. 

It was more or less mutually agreed that the young prince would rest while Dedue completed the remainder of the work. Dedue offered to escort him to his room for comfort, but Dimitri preferred to remain in the greenhouse so that they could leave and report to the Professor together. All in all, both left the greenhouse quite satisfied, though neither could be certain they’d want to repeat the day’s adventure. 

That would be a decision (and adventure) for another day.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #351

“the writing on the wall  /  a psalm of napalm  /  abandon all hope, but try to stay calm”

Do you have bad posture? Oh yeah. Are your eyes sensitive to sunlight? VERY. How many miles can you run without stopping? An astonishing zero miles. Who is the most attractive person you know personally? My high school friend Alon, probably. Have you ever dated someone who was very vastly different from your “type”? No. When was the first time you said "I love you" to a significant other? When I dated my first real boyfriend Jason at 16. I actually said it very early in because I thought I was "supposed" to, and I did REALLY like him. How old were you when you first lived alone? If you’ve never lived alone, how old do you think you’ll be? I haven't yet, and idk. What do you wish you had been better prepared for? Ha, adulthood. Is there anything about you (physically) that you think turns people off of you right off the bat? My weight. Do you know anyone with a semicolon tattoo? I have a semicolon butterfly tattoo on my wrist, and while it's very subtle, my Mark tat features a semicolon, too. It's outlined by a quote he's said ("you are important, never forget that"), and the "i" is a semicolon. Idk if I know anyone else with one. Have you ever overdosed on a drug? Once accidentally, once purposefully. Have you ever kissed a guy you didn’t want to kiss? Yes. Who was the last guy you cuddled with? Girt. What is something you’ve had a toxic reaction to? The breakup with Jason. In the last picture taken of you, how did you pose? I just tilted my head, smiled, and gave a peace sign, haha. Mom wanted to show my sister how I looked with a dozen wires and other shit attached to me for my sleep study. Have you ever made a fake Facebook account? If so, why? No. If you were an Eevee, what would you wanna evolve into? Probably Espeon? They're so, so majestic and beautiful. I'd love to feel like that, lol. What flavor was the last piece of gum you chewed? Raspberry lemonade. Did you ever used to watch the show Teen Titans? Nah. When you were in school/if you are in school, do you actually share your grades with your parents? If you got/get a bad grade, do you hide it from them? My mom always stayed up-to-date with my grades. I never really had anything to hide. Have you ever been the designated driver? Once or twice, yeah. Were you obsessed with Webkinz when they first came out? "Obsessed" is an understatement. I was that kid with dozens upon dozens. They were pretty much my favorite thing. Who do you subscribe to on YouTube, if anybody? Oh Jesus, looooots. Are you wearing nail polish right now? What color? No. Neon colors, or pastel? Pastel. Are you currently pregnant? Do you wish you were/weren’t? I'm not and have zero desire to be. Have you ever had a dog? A good number of them throughout my life. Is there any drama going on right now in your life? No. Does your hair fall out a lot? No. What’s your favourite type of bird? Barn owls. I also love ravens and crows. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 126. What was on the last sandwich you ate? Pb&j. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same as I do now: metal and its various subgenres. Have you ever gotten back together with an ex? No. How far away is the closest store to your house and what is it? I'm actually unsure which is the closest. We live in a cul-de-sac with a bunch of houses, and the street opens into just outside the main city, so there's a lot of stores. What is your favourite Thai dish? I've actually never tried Thai food. How many contacts do you have in your phone? Very few, but I don't feel like counting. Are there any candles in your bedroom, and what scent are they? No. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single. Do you have to wear a name badge where you work? I don’t have a job. Can you hear anything right now? Yeah, I'm watching Gab Smolders play Skyrim. It's a game I've always wanted to play myself. Is there anybody else in the room you’re currently in? No. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Walmart. Does your house have a porch/balcony? It has a very, very small porch. What is your mother’s first name? Donna. Did you have a tree house as a kid? No. Are you afraid of speaking to large audiences? I'm terrified of it. Have you ever cried from being so mad? Oh yeah, it's very common for me to cry when I'm mad. Have you ever taken a bath with someone? As a kid, yes. Do you have any brothers? One older one. Does your family use coasters? Is anyone in your family excessively tidy? No. Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? Ha, yeah, just depends on where. Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? Morning. I used to be ALL about night showers, but I just love how refreshing they are in the morning. It's a good start to the day. Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? I steal the covers SO bad and roll around a lot. God bless whoever marries me. You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? I can guarantee I'd be a total deer in headlights and probably tear up or just straight-up cry. Have you been/are you depressed? It's nowhere near as bad as it was once upon a time, but I honestly am depressed these days. Who is the one person you can completely be yourself around? I only feel entirely "safe" doing that around Sara. Are your popups blocked on your computer? Yeah. Are your parents night owls or morning birds? My mom's a total night owl. She absolutely hates sleeping because it's "such a waste of time" to her, but of course she does it anyway. I haven't lived with my father since I was like 16, so idk what he's really like with this stuff now, but I'd call him an early bird, particularly because his job has him up early anyway. Do you have high blood pressure? No; my blood pressure is actually extremely low, so much so it scares every doctor who hasn't treated me before. It's a medication side effect and seriously sucks, because I am absolutely always light-headed and dizzy. Have you ever pumped gas? No. Are you affectionate? Very. What would a perfect yard look like for you? Hmmm... I'm going to include things I know I won't realistically have for maintenance reasons, but what's ideal. I would loooove love love at least one really big tree with maybe a birdhouse and like a bat box (is that what they're called?), and I'd love tons and tons of flowers to feed bees and other wildlife. A koi pond would be amazing, but that's one of those things I know I won't actually have. A pool would be really nice, preferably inground, and having a spot in the shade would be perfect. Some berry bushes would be cool, and grape vines... Man, I'm really fantasizing now, haha. What is a topic that you have just recently become interested in? Nothing very recently, but I'd say the most recent would be uhhhh tarantulas, though that's been a thing for many months now. What is a feel-good song that you’ve been listening to lately? None lately, anyway. I can tell you "Jump" by Van Halen is the staple "feel-good" song for me, though. What are some things you enjoy seeing pictures of? Meerkats... Mark... more meerkats and Mark... oh also meerkats and Mark... Is there anything you are scared/awkward about talking about in life? Don't talk to me about sex. Has a pet ever stolen food from you as you were eating it? AS I was eating it, no. What is the weirdest compliment you have ever been given? I have no idea. What’s stronger - your upper or lower body? Jesus, I couldn't tell you. I'm just weak, period. Women tend to have more lower body strength, so I GUESS maybe that, but given the fact my legs are horribly weak, I don't know. My arms aren't strong, either. Are you very careful with your technology (phone, laptop, etc) or do you take risks that could damage them? I try to be mindful and careful, but you could say the way I pick up my laptop sometimes is risky. Have you ever been in the newspaper? What for? I think so, as part of my graduating class? But that would be a LOT of people... so I actually don't know. I have this faint memory of being in it with other people, but idr. Would you say that the area you live in is particularly picturesque? Ew, no. What is your favorite type of cat? One does not simply pick ONE favorite kind of cat. I love Persians, Ragdolls, Siamese, sphynxes, bengals, Abyssinians, and I could go on and on. If you had your way, what color(s) would you dye your hair? I have A LOT of colors I want to dye my hair, but the ones I'm currently most interested in are pastel pink, creamsicle orange, and lilac. Do you like seafood? If so, what is your favorite? If not, what is your favorite type of food? I only like shrimp. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Paganism. It's the one I think is closest to what I believe in, and I just find it all very interesting. I love the nature focus. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? Nooooo. How many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears? None anymore. :( I miss all my piercings that closed while hospitalized. Have you ever had a pet bird? Nah. It'd be cool, but I don't want one enough to actually get one. Do you like dinosaurs? I looooove dinos. They were my obsession as a kid. My first dream career was even a paleontologist. Do you like going for long walks with friends? If my legs worked like a healthy fucking human's, I would love to do that again. I would literally collapse if I tried to go on a long walk now. Do you miss anyone from school? I miss a lot of people from school. I'm thankful for Facebook for that, but even that's not enough, really. What is your favorite flavor of Jolly Ranchers? Watermelon, I think? Was there a strawberry one? How are your parents right now? I'm assuming Dad's fine, and Mom's okay, just stressed as she always is. Can you take naps, or does it make you feel horrible? Man, I love naps. They're like, mandatory for my existence, lol. If you celebrate Christmas, do you get a real tree or an artificial tree? A fake one. Have you ever been told you were a good writer? Yeah. Do you watch music videos? No. Do you own an account on Club Penguin? Haha awww, remember the worldwide heartbreak when that site shut down? Anyway, I did as a kid. Do you like lemonade? Sure do. Was your first kiss perfect? To me it was. How do you feel about the first person you kissed? I feel a lot of things about him. As of right now, how do you feel about your future? Nervous. Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly? *shrugs* Is sex something special, or just for fun? It has to be something special for me personally. Do you follow fashion? If so, why? Not at all. Have you ever played a real pinball machine? No. Do you like the smell of BBQs? I love the smell, but don't like the food. Do wasps scare you? Yes. Are you currently trying to get over someone? I mean, yes and no. I don't think I'll ever be fully over Jason, but I feel like I'm as "over him" as I'll ever be, maybe. I hope I can even further let him go, but we'll just have to see. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. Have you ever worn flip flops in the snow? HA, oh yeah. If it's only a dusting, I don't care at all. I pretty much always wear flip flops. How old were you when you met your first love? I was 15. If you could have one more pet, what? JUST one? Probably a Brazilian Black tarantula, ideally. I technically want a western hognose snake more, but given I already have a snake, in this hypothetical situation, I'd take the spider. Would you rather have an owl or a snake? Ha, speaking of snakes. A snake, even though I adore owls. What do you order at Chic-Fil-A? I don't give my business to Chick-fil-A. They're reigned by homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit that have given monetary contributions to anti-LGBT foundations, including most disgustingly those that support conversion therapy. I admittedly looooove their chicken sandwiches, but I just can't in good conscience go there. Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? No, given I've never smoked and will never. Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? Facebook. Did you enjoy your past relationships? Yeah. Do you like '80s music? '80s metal is great. Something you would NEVER buy? Drugs. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? I first questioned if I was bisexual in middle school, 8th grade I think, but I went into denial about it given I was Christian at the time. Looking back, there were many clear signs of me liking girls too, I just didn't notice them until a few years ago when I came out as bi. Do you like Star Wars? No. What is the best thing about life? Experiencing love, both platonic and romantic. Are you superstitious? No. What show/concert have you gone to that you didn’t like much? I haven't experienced a bad concert before, but then again I've only been to one. Is sex a must in your life? Nah. Have you watched porn alone before? I've never watched porn period. I have absolutely no desire to watch two random people go at each other. What do you think about weed? It should be legal everywhere, but treated similarly to alcohol in that there are legal repercussions to doing certain things, like driving, under the influence. There are just too many benefits for many health conditions to ignore. Have you read the entire Bible before? No. I've started to before, but I didn't get far.

[feliciamontagues]

My Ranking of Every Hercule Flambeau Episode (S01-S08)

There are some spoilers for S7 and S8, but they are fairly vague and pretty much the sort of thing that you might see on the official press release. So not true spoilers as such. Also this is totally subjective and the result of my own personal biases. It’s also behind the cut because it’s looooonnng. 

8. The Two Deaths of Hercule Flambeau (s06e10)--

So, this episode is *fine*. It’s hardly the worst episode of the show, but it’s easily the weakest of the Flamby eps, despite their being a few isolated moments I enjoy. (Hercule getting a long overdue bedroom scene for one :P)

My main gripe is with this episode is the uneven way Lisandra Flambeau is written. The script seems to flip-flop over whether we are supposed to find her sympathetic or not.  On one hand,  many scenes imply that she genuinely loves Hercule despite them having a shotgun marriage after only a few days of knowing each other. On the other hand, she does not hesitate for a minute before poisoning an innocent (Fr. B) for no other reason than to hurt Flamby, which makes her lose a lot of sympathy points.

And as a result, it seems to make Flambeau seem like more of arse than normal for betraying her, while somehow also absolving him of responsibility for doing so, because she turns around and does *THAT.*

And ngl, it does make me a little uncomfortable that while the character of Lisandra (as an Italian) is possibly not meant to be interpreted as a POC, the actress portraying her definitely is. (Sara Martins is of Afro-Portuguese descent).  Which makes the uneven characterization (and underwritten-ness) seem even more glaring, especially  when compared to that of the other (white) women in Flambeau’s life (his first love Rebecca and his daughter Marianne, arguably Lady Felicia as well). It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth even if  in all likelihood, the part wasn’t written with Sara Martins in mind.

I think a much more interesting approach to Lisandra would be to have intending to betray Flambeau all along. Maybe she had her own agenda for seducing Flamby, meanwhile he thinks he’s the one using her for his plan. Maybe she does develop some feelings for him along the way, but it only makes her hesitate for a moment before going ahead with her original plan. That way, she keeps her agency and isn’t reduced to the “woman scorned” stereotype while also leaving the writers free to ship Flamby with others in the future without seemingly endorsing guilt-free adultery .

Other random note: I can’t take  parts of this episode seriously because the “Crown of Lombardy” is very obviously Guinevere’s crown from BBC Merlin with no attempt to alter or disguise it. 

7. The Daughter of Autolycus (s04e05)--

Not gonna lie, I am not really a fan of “character has long lost relative that we’ve never heard of until now” plots. And that goes double when said long-lost relative is a child or sibling. As such my low ranking of this episode is partly due to unconscious personal biases against that trope.

That being said, if we had to get a long-lost relative that we’ve never heard of until now plot, I’m so glad we got Marianne--even if it takes her another episode to really live up to her potential. 

I have to knock off a few more points for Nero Hound as a villain. For one thing, he was played by Nancy Carroll’s real-life hubby, but they didn’t let let him interact with Lady F at all. Such a *waste.*  Also Nero Hound is far too similar a name to Nero Wolfe, and I’ve definitely confused them on more than one occasion). He’s also rather generic in my opinion, even compared to some of Flambeau’s other “generic mobster” rivals/associates like the ones in S8.

However, there are some moments in this episode I genuinely like--particularly the theft “imagine spot” and Flambeau’s bishop disguise in general. Plus, the scenes where Flambeau and Marianne appear together are excellent, as are the hints that Marianne will become a redemptive trigger in Flambeau’s life.

6. The Judgement of Man (s03e10)--

Again, the low ranking of this one may be due to personal biases.  In this case, I’m still low-key bitter--five years later-- at the BBC marketing department for baiting me with the idea of Flambeau actually interacting with the rest of the squad (esp romantic tiems with Lady F)  and then giving me the absolute minimum of Felicia/Flambeau flirting and no Flambeau/Sid and Flambeau/Mrs. M interaction.

But there are other reasons why this is in my bottom 3 Flambeau episodes. 

Honestly, I feel like an equally compelling episode about the Vatican’s complicity in Nazi art theft could’ve been made without having to insert Flambeau in it. I mean I suppose it does make sense to have the art thief character  in the art episode, but still I feel like both Flambeau backstory and important historical lesson about Nazis, the Church, and Jewish art suffer from being crammed into the same episode. 

That being said, Mrs. McCarthy’s duchess disguise in this episode cleared my skin, watered my crops, etc, which is why I’ve ranked it higher than the previous two. 

5. The Folly of Jephthah (s08e05)

It loses a few points because I got very exited about the idea of Marianne becoming Bunty’s thief gf cool new friend, and yet in the episode itself, they only shared one scene and didn’t really interact much in it. That being said, I did like like that Bunty and Mrs. M had a bigger role in this episode than the squad usually gets in Flambeau episodes. 

Overall, I feel this episode works a lot better than most of the other “backstory-heavy” Flambeau episodes, because we’ve already gotten the Marianne-related exposition out of the way and can focus more on allowing her character, Flambeau’s and their relationship with each other to develop.

I’m also a bit smug in that I predicted (or at least hoped for) this exact character arc for Marianne within a few weeks of “The Daughter of Autocylus” airing and that my hopes came to fruition so beautifully.

It doesn’t particularly impact the ranking too much, but I do feel like this episode deserves a special shout out, because it has established a (hopefully-continuing!) pattern of Father Brown calling Flamby  almost exclusively by his first name, which is a major significant step in their bromance and deserves recognition as such. 

4. The Blue Cross (s01e10)--

As someone who was first exposed to Father Brown through reading the stories for a college course, I always find it especially interesting to look at the episodes that were adapted from Chesterton. 

This episode is neither the most faithful book-to-show adaptation (which is probably “The Three Tools of Death”) nor is it the best (imo “The Sign of the Broken Sword’) , but it is arguably the most significant. “The Blue Cross” was the first ever Fr. Brown story and is probably the most well-known. It’s also the first real look we get at the character of Flambeau, who (in the stories and arguably the show as well) is probably the closest thing we get to a clear character arc.

The show keeps some of the important elements of the short  story: Flambeau’s clergyman disguise, the switching of the packages. But it also has the challenging task of upping the relatively low stakes of the story, as well as introducing a major recurring character that resembles his book counterpart but remains distinct enough to justify the fairly different direction show canon is taking him. 

The show does this reasonably well--if not particularly imaginatively. I do enjoy some of the touches (I’ve written an entire meta before about Flamby’s reading material on the train and how it relates to his character)--particularly the show’s choice to have Flambeau fixated on religious art specifically (RIP for Flambeau’s Dairy Company though. It will always live in my heart).

Unfortunately in the adaptation, loses a few points for not really using the show-original characters particularly effectively. It loses still more for Flambeau’s characterization in this episode . He comes across as much more  serious and menacing in this episode than in all the others. It works okay when we consider this as a standalone episode but provides some glaring Early Installment Weirdness when we compare it to other episodes. 

3. The Penitent Man (s05e15)--

So as the rest of this list  will testify, I have strong preference for the “fun” Flambeau episodes over the more series ones. This is the exception that proves the rule--the  serious, cerebral, melancholy episode that simply “works” for me in the way that some of the others have not.

A lot of it is due to the more-intense-than-usual Flambeau character focus that goes into this. Sure, we’ve met his (presumably ex-by-now) wife, his daughter, and his first love by this point, but all of those episodes focused primarily on Flambeau as an extension of the relationships with others. (”The Judgement of Man”  in particular is far more Rebecca’s story than Hercule’s.)

Whereas this episode is very definitively focused on Flambeau himself and allows more nuanced exploration of two of the most defining facets of Flambeau’s character:  (1) his fascination with religion--and spiritual salvation in particular--  as  something he seems to resist and crave in near equal measure  (2) his almost masochistic streak of recklessness.

Even though Flambeau’s supposed “piety” is revealed to be all part of his heist plan, there are strong hints that his desire for redemption and atonement are at least somewhat genuine, even if he is not  ready to pursue them just yet. 

Off topic, but a few random things of note in this episode: this episode all-but-confirms bi!Flambeau, wet!Flambeau at the end is extremely relevant to my interests, Father Brown attempts to smuggle Flamby a lock pick from the beginning and has the audacity to say “ I only use it when I get locked out of the presbytery.”

Also, it has this iconic exchange:

Goodfellow: What is that awful smell?

Father Brown (covered in sewage): It’s me

2. The Honorable Thief (S07e10)-- So nearly all of the Flambeau-centered episodes from S3 on  have been a little preoccupied with filling in some of the gaps in Flambeau’s backstory, which is *fine*, but honestly, I feel like in doing so, they’ve really lost sight of why we fell in love with the character in the first place. 

 He’s vibrant and clever and funny and over-the-top. But most importantly, Flambeau is a lot of fun. Therefore, it follows that episodes that feature him should be a lot of fun too. 

And well... they are all fun in some way,  but they aren’t as fun as they really could be. John Light is insanely charismatic, but charisma can only go so far when the episode in question is a downer.

Fortunately, this episode is the furthest thing from a downer imaginable. It’s absolutely delightful from start to finish. The plot is serious enough to keep things engaging, but also light enough to keep us from getting too distracted by angst. 

I’m also incredibly biased in favor of this episode, because it finally gave me the Felicia/Flambeau ship tease I’d been passionately hoping for (if not really expecting to get after “The Judgement of Man” disappointed me). But it was so much and so good, and I wasn’t ready for it.

In a broader sense though, this episode really delivered with Flambeau/squad interaction in general--which was a key component that has been missing from most of the other episodes. And the Father Brown & Flambeau interactions were also has heartwarming and funny as they always are.

If I have one tiny little gripe with the episode, it’s that Daniel is not Sid. He has enough broad similarities with Sid that I can’t help but wonder if the episode was originally written with Sid and then hastily re-written when Alex Price couldn’t return. That being said, he was a likable enough guest character in his own right, and I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.

1.  The Mysteries of the Rosary (S02e05)-- Perfection. Not only is this THE definitive Flambeau episode, but is also one of the best episodes of the show overall. It has everything: the birth of bearded Flamby, bromantic road trips, a treasure hunt, great guest turns from Anton Lesser and Sylvestra Le Touzel.

I think part of the reason this episode resonates so strongly with me is that it’s really the first proper sense that we get of Show!Flambeau as a character. Sure we officially met him in “The Blue Cross,” but considering he didn’t show up until halfway through the episode and was in disguise for most of it, we didn’t really get much of a sense of who he is.

This episode changes all that and sets Flambeau up as the character we will know and love for the rest of the series--charming, urbane, funny, passionate, a carefree carpe diem exterior masking (or overcompensating for?) a sense of uncertainty and conflictedness.

Somewhat off topic, but as great an episode as this is for Flambeau’s character, it is nearly as wonderful for both Sid and Father Brown’s characters. We get to see Sid’s  ease with Father Brown, the casual camraderie that the two of them have--as well as Sid’s protectiveness (and jealousy) when Flambeau decides to gatecrash their bromantic road trip. 

Honestly, there are so many things that are great about this episode that I don’t think I could possibly list them--but one little detail that really struck my the last time I watched was that the first proper glimpse we see of Flambeau in this episode (we see him in shadow in a flashback before) involves him  saving Father Brown’s life.  Whereas the last proper glimpse we see of Flambeau is after Father Brown has saved Flambeau’s life.  Thematic reversals. Cinematic parallels. We love to see it. 

[a-student-out-of-time]

Twisted Sister Arc Review Part 2

Mindwipe

Welcome back everyone! Last time we looked how Kanade killed everyone, got the shit beaten out of her by a lot of people, mainly Nikei and Hibiki though, stuff the Mod doesn’t want to talk about and now that timeline is DED. Now it’s time to deal with Kanade proper as we already wasted a life on her (actually she ate two lives now, as she was responsible for Hajime dying the first time, he lost a life) and we don’t need any more lives being lost.

With a reset and briefing of the QC of how Kanade got strok, it’s time for Hajime and Nikei to beeline to Hope’s Peak and this time they are not fucking around as Kanade racked up a decent body count last time, and that’s not an experience they want to repeat. But first thing’s first time for Hajime to keep his promise to Massacre!Nikei and make sure that Iroha doesn’t become the first victim to Kanade and start the chain reaction off. I think we Anons do kinda feel guilty for getting Iroha killed the first time around as she was supposed to be on a date with Makoto that day, and of course Makoto’s wonderful luck meant the Prison Break had to happen on that day, and rather than stay with Makoto, she rushed in to stop Kanade. Then again, we all assumed that Kanade was still the same pathetic serial killer that Hajime and Sonia dealt with in the Concert Arc and didn’t get more generous buffs then Samus did from Smash 64 to Melee, so hindsight 20/20, I guess? Anyway, they get Iroha to go back to her ahoge boyfriend and now at Hope’s Peak it’s time for Hajime’s grand master plan to bring…EVERYONE FROM CLASS 77-B! *Insert Smash Ultimate meme here* Oh and Juzo, he’s useful too, I guess. Kanade arrives to begin the plot of Carrie, but instead gets tear gas in her face, a swift pound down from Class 77-B, and Juzo, and then is quickly disabled by Mikan. Again, like with the whole Kanade Vs. Hibiki fight beforehand, I would love to see an animation of Class 77-B just beating the living snot out of Kanade and this is much better imo then when Sonia kicked the living shit out of Kanade. There our reasons for hating Kanade were basically all the shit she pulled in SDAR2, but here we just had a bad timeline where Kanade killed a bunch of people, and likeable people as well, and thus as they say…the fallen have been avenged.

Of course, getting Kanade’s arse handed to her was half the battle, as now the focus is on; what the heck is going on here? A quick check from the biology people revealed some very worrying facts. The first one is that Kanade’s syringe contained an addictive which not only can keep a person awake for days, but the chemical compound is unique, only came out for a few months in 2003 and all the people involved in it are in jail. Then there is the fact that she has dermal armour which looks like skin on her, which while flexible like skin, is strong enough to block bullets and blades. The experimental nature of it makes it highly expensive as well, meaning whoever is behind this, they are loaded and have resources. And then there is the confirmation that yes, she has a BCI. One that is full of combat data and information on Class 77-B. This is the most worrying part in my opinion. Anyone in the Despairs with enough money and resources could do all the above but VERY few people knew that Hibiki came over to Hope’s Peak and bonded with Class 77-B. The data required for that narrows suspect list down a lot and the implications are…worrying. Whoever backed Kanade, they are not to be underestimated.

And then comes when Yasuke is relevant to the plot for once and the whole Mindwipe proposal. So first let’s talk Yasuke. A lot of people hated the idea he was on the side of good here, as they prefereed it when he was just Junko’s boyfriend. Thing is though, I feel like Yasuke could work here. Remember he never bought Junko’s despair ideology and while he is an arsehole, he could be the ‘Byakuya’ of the group in which he is a cold jerk who says harsh things, but said harsh things are required as there are uncomfortable truths out there which the rest of the QC are either too afraid or too polite to say. I just hope Mod doesn’t bow down to peer pressure and make Yasuke a bone fila villain just because people hate him, but maybe tone down his jackarsey a bit. I know its canonically accurate but not everyone has read Zero and as such I don’t think people are used to that kind of harsh words coming from a non-antagonistic character.

And then there is the Mindwipe…naturally this a decision which has caused many readers to be split on it, and even for the QC to have a scrum debate over it. Don’t lie, you all heard the music. And unlike with a scrum debate where one side is clearly one, here both sides have a point. Mindwiping Kanade is ethically wrong on so many levels, and easily the darkest thing the QC have done, but they also don’t have a lot of options because there is a Prison Break to deal with, and Kanade was gonna be killed anyway so this is keeping her body alive but just killing her mind. They may be the good guys here, but given how morally deprived their opponents are, sometimes you do have to swoop to their level because you have little choice in the matter. It’s also interesting to see everyone’s viewpoints on it, some stating that from leadership like characters such as Sonia and Nikei arguing that at times you do have to make difficult choices and they don’t have the luxury of being morally right all the time, pragmatic characters like Sora stating that a mindwiped and redeemed Kanade could be beneficial to them if they do go down this route, to those who have spiritual issues like with Gundham, moral problems like with Chiaki and ethical problems like with Kyoji. Nobody is split in the middle, you either think mindwiping is the best possible solution, or if it’s so wrong it cannot be done. Arguing got so bad that Yoruko had to step in and get Hibiki, the most important person as far this matter goes, to decide. And Hibiki vents her feelings on the matter, and decides that since both sides have good points, to just vote on the matter.

This is one of the best parts here because it isn’t done by the characters but rather the audience. After all, given this is such a morally questionable decision it makes sense for the audience to decide what path they are going down. And thus, votes are casted…a lot more people read this then I suspected, and a significant majority go towards mindwiping. I dunno how they explain the votes though as there clearly isn’t that many people voting so how does one in-universe count the Anons’ votes? But again, I’m not surprised the mindwipe came through as Kanade is a popular character in the fandom (She ranked #2 in the official SDAR2 popularity poll, just behind Sora) so any chances of Kanade getting a redemption arc especially as we would have a Ryoko-espe character with her, would be something the fanbase would gobble up. I just hope none of the QC resent this decision, they may regret it but they have to remember it’s a hard choice for all of them and they didn’t have a lot of options. Even those against the Mindwipe would have to do their part, after all they are a team. At least Yasuke is considerate enough for all blame regarding the consequences of the mindwipe to be directed at him as he kinda forced the decision onto us. Hopefully Kyoji and Kokoro made sure he didn’t turn Kanade into a Despair Sleeper Agent or something. However, I did genuinely enjoy the audience participation here and I hope more chances like this come up in the future as it gives the audience a greater degree of control on how the story pans out.

That’s Kanade dealt with, but The QC cannot rest yet, because her escaping wasn’t the only bad thing to occur, there’s a Prison Break and tons of criminals running around that need wrangling! And with that the second part of the review concludes. Next time for the final time we talk about dealing with them damn prisoners and my final overall thoughts on the Arc! See ya then- Review Anon

[paganchristian]

Well, I like this picture of my cat, with his tongue curled, so that’s why I’m posting it.  Coincidentally I just noticed that there’s some bucket with a picture of it looks like the three wise men, in the corner behind him.  I don’t have a ready interpretation of that as having any significance, but maybe it would if I tried, to find it.  Or just found meaning whether it was “meant to be”, regardless.  And when I am analyzing things for possible signs, I look at all kinds of random details.  That is just one potential one that pops out at me.  Sometimes I will analyze or go into meditative states and see what signs seem to pop out at me from whatever and wherever, or from particular things, that seem to be more fluid and abundant in the signs and feelings that they give to me.  Like, pictures, personal photographs of ours, that is one thing.  Anyway, ..

The tongue-curling, well, I call it that but maybe it’s something else, not quite a curling tongue, but it’s cute.  Curling your tongue, it reminds me of childhood as my sister could curl her tongue but I could only partially curl mine and it seemed as if she was happy that she could do that better than me, if I recall correctly.  Lol 

Anyway the silliness of making faces, and again here we are at childhood themed stuff, a recurrent theme for me.  

I am thinking of that because to me, it needs to be reminded of again and again and again because I keep on veering into the zone of worrying and thinking too Much!  I can worry again, what of my salvation or Hell, I can worry, what about my family and loved ones and my daughter’s salvation or Hell, and I can worry about all of the things that I think that these Christians in these groups I’m drawn to might think.. I can worry how they might condemn or argue or debate over this or that with me, if they were to tell me how they saw my life, my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences, my interpretations and so on.  I can think of all of the taboos I break that might send me to Hell in their eyes.  I can think about all of the criticisms I would make that might make me a big problem to them, an outsider, intruding, stirring up conflict.  But I can think of how I seem to need to express my problems I have with the things they do, because if I don’t’ do that then I feel repressed, self-destructive.  I need to talk about the harm that these things are causing my heart and mind and soul, so that I can think it out.  In the secluded, sequestered cloister of my own soul and my heart and my prayers to God, there is not enough conscious articulate  awareness.  I am trapped when I keep things there.  

But even these people say you need a spiritual guide, to tell all to, when you have conflict and confusion.  So they admit the need to talk things out.  But I will not do that, that is, have such a one-on-one spiritual guide as they say you need, for one, because I’m not even a member of any kind of church, where you would find your guide, nor do I feel I should be a member of the church either, because I don’t agree with all of the rules or beliefs that they require, and nor follow the rules they demand enough to belong there.  And I also don’t need a spiritual guide because I feel like it is very confining, and repressive, suffocating and controlling, the role it puts you in, if you have to depend on one person for all that, and if that person doesn’t really understand you and respect you and care about you and have compassion for you, if your situation goes way beyond what they can comprehend and know how to deal with, then you are likely to be judged, given wrong advice, given simplistic answers.  I don’t need that yet again, as my weird situation has over and over again been the source of great pain when I tried to seek others’ input, and they wrongly judged and wrongly advised me, and if you place all of that pressure and expectation upon one solitary person, it’s way too much build-up and commitment to someone who you’re just assuming will understand and be able to care for you in the way you need, and not actually harm you instead, as everyone else has done.  Some helped me, but mostly everyone has harmed me as much as they helped or harmed me way more than they helped me. 

Anyway, I just want to forget all this feeling that I need to think and worry about that, any of that.  Can’t I just think about practical obvious real world grounded life?  Of course, and I think that is really what God wants me to do right now.  I have health problems and my family does too, and I can address them to the best of my ability.  I can try to think of how to connect to family members so that neither one of us is as lonely and isolated, and so that I will hopefully take small steps to learn, bit by bit, how to be more social, so that I can also have that skill for whenever I might need it in my life in the future, and I’m not completely isolated from every person who is not in my immediate family.  I can teach my daughter the social habits and mannerisms and views and skills I gain.  So that she will learn how to make the most of these things and not just be one more isolated, self-absorbed, lonely person who cannot find any way to connect to others.  Who can find what to appreciate and find what there is in common that is truly relatable and worthwhile.  Not that awkward feeling of forced and painful seeking solace and validation in others, when it’s not authentic and not true.  Not that because that leads to a worse kind of loneliness that just being alone, oftentimes.  But in spite of all the differences and the lack of ability to relate, still being able to find something that makes interacting worthwhile and meaningful and rewarding so we’re not so totally alone in this world, and so we have more than just our immediate family, who after all might not always be there one day.

What is it that makes me feel like I need to settle all these debates and these crises and dramas and threats regarding religion and spirituality?  I think it’s only the voices of echoed memories of things I’ve read and heard and been told, that others have said, don’t do this, you can’t do this, you must do this, or you will be lost, you are wrong, you will go to Hell, etc, etc.  And I should know that I have to live my actual life and I can’t get lost in these never-ending debates while my life goes astray or  gets stuck in degenerating cycles, where I can’t get anywhere because there is no one to talk to, no clear answer, no honest straightforward discussion of my points, not the time and emotional and mental energy to think it all through, anyway.  

I just have to remember how to let it all go.  But excessive prayer and spiritual reading do  not help me with that, at all.  I seem to need to deeply distract myself from the majority of religious stuff, and only keep a bare minimum of practices.

Every day is so full of miracles, signs, coincidences, and special, unique moments.  Rare things happen all of the time, every day, to everyone.  But each rare thing only happens rarely, just like the many wildflowers blooming and so on, each blooming only a short time.  But because we realize they’re ordinary, because they’re not totally unheard of, we shove them aside, as if they’re not very important and yet that is where I find all of my inspiration, all my signs, usually.  In things that appear so ordinary even though they’re not as ordinary as they seem, at all, if you look at all the connecting coincidences, associations and synchronicities going on, all the different events that happen in a short time, in my mind, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts and ideas and little things that happen in my life and they all start to connect, in so many ways.  Ways that are easy for someone to deny because they could just be coincidence but when you accept that coincidence can be meaningful even if it seems likely and not that rare, then you at  that point, you have opened the door to a great world of wonder and joy and amazement, ideas, and insights that can change everything in your existence.  

So why can’t I just let God talk to me like that?  Why can’t I just let God talk to me through the feelings, the dreams, the visions and psychic impressions, and let that be his gift and guidance, in addition to my constant prayer, without going more formally into all the practices and beliefs they say I have to follow?  

And the only reason shy I couldn’t do that would be is if I agreed to go along with what they say.  What humans have made into traditions over time, and rules and so forth.  And though they say it’s all God’s rules, and God’s demands he put on us, well, how can I assume such?  When following those very rules is trapping me into a feeling of dissociated anxiety that prevents me doing real things that are good for clear, important actions of love and caring?  When escapism and playfulness and daydreaming are healing me way more than prayers and religious practices would?  Then what?  I guess that is up for me to decide, because it is my life and I am the only one who can decide what I’ll believe about what I should do, and how, and why, and when.  

What I can do, or can’t do, can believe or can’t believe. Even when I’ve asked God to help me believe and help me do these practices and it’s not working very well and he instead seems to be telling me to go do my escapist things, to just have fun.  And I pray all the while I’m doing these fun and escapist things, so it’s not like I’m leaving God behind.  God is in the fun and escapism and daydreaming.  

It will have to be ok, for now, because I think I will drive myself crazy and waste a horrifying amount of time if I try to worry about all the ways I’m supposedly wrong and must follow rules according to certain Christians, but can’t follow them.  No I just can’t let my life fall apart while I worry about such things.  

I feel like maybe the reason that religious rules are so rigid is that people are creatures of habit.  They are easily distressed if their rules and patterns are disrupted and so they create rules to represent their habits they want or choose to follow.  It doesn’t need to make total sense or work all the time, it just needs to be a consistent habit for them.  And then, the reason they get so upset  when they see others doing differently or when they hear others arguing against their rules is because it makes them start to feel doubt over their habits.  They really want to cling to those habits and they can’t stand doubt to be cast on them.  People are so fragile, so easily upset in their sense of self-image and personal sense of purpose and validity, thinking they have a right to be the way they are, or thinking they are good enough, as so on.  When someone starts to do things differently, they are so fragile, they start to think that if that person is doing things differently, maybe my way isn’t good and theirs is the better or the only good way.  But when people have developed rigid habits, and they prop up their religious and moral identity on them, they are very fragile if they feel that someone’s different way of doing things might be better and might show that their way is wrong.  I think that this also might account for the rampant conformity and judgmental attitudes and us vs. them mentalities that are so prevalent in human societies, even over things that absolutely don’t make any sense at all.  So you have people getting all uptight over the way others’ dress and it’s not a matter of say, indecency or offensiveness, or anything, or you have people who are judgmental about all kinds of trivial things and get very cruel and divisive over these things.

Then funny thing is that I see this behavior in my daughter, or rather, I see the insecurity that she has, when we do things differently or ask her to do something differently or ask shy she did something a certain way, and it’s not even like we are at all judgmental or harsh.  We are extremely respectful, open minded, understanding, positive, supportive parents and have always been and she is not around another negative input in that way.  We are both weird, too, and not conformists in our ways of acting so she’s not learning that from us either, and we aren’t around anyone else who would affect her in that way. 

I think it’s an instinct, to be overreactive to these things and insecure.  I have been noticing behaviors like this among others too, and how people oftentimes seem to easily upset and disrupted in their beliefs, their feelings, and their attitudes, and the least little thing from others makes them feel insecure or offended or hurt or confused, and so that might explain why religions sometimes are so controlling and fixated on every little detail of peoples’ lives even when those rules don’t always make sense or work and aren’t even possible.  And why some of these religious groups try to stamp out dissent and threaten you if you dare criticize anyone.   Because they are scared the sense of unity and harmony and confidence will be disrupted and people will lose their fragile sense of confidence in the religions.  

It’s repressive, but so are people’s mindsets and they can’t handle the least rocking the boat, and I on the other hand feel like I’m living in a stormy sea and my boat can’t not rock, but I don’t fit in with those who have to have all these rules.  I have to make my own rules or guidelines.  Maybe I do recall times in my life when I had a greater need for that kind of conformity and unity of identity and behavior with the others in my group, because I was so lost and confused but that was signal to me of what to do, what to think, what to believe and what to feel, when I was totally at a loss otherwise.  But now I can’t do it anymore.  My life demands a much more individualistic, outside the rules and lines approach.  I would become extremely mentally ill or even lose my mind, and make myself miserable if I even tried to be so silent and conforming and so approving and positive to the things that cause m great harm and need to be spoken openly about, even if only in the privacy of a blog that is still not completely private, so I feel like I'm not suffocated into total submission and repression, as if my human life and reality did not need and deserve to be cared about or noticed and given a voice, among other humans. 

[mssapphire]

The Midnight Gospel and the search for Truth: or How the Emperor is actually naked.

So, I watched The Midnight Gospel yesterday and, unsurprisingly, it wrecked me. Now that I am more calm and that I have finally stopped crying, I thought about giving my take on it before I get too lost in detail. Before I decide to go on full researcher mode and learn every little thing there is to learn about it. And before I decide to watch it a second time and take notes. I first watched the show only knowing Pendleton Ward was behind it and nothing more. I hadn’t watched any trailers, I had no idea it was based off of podcasts, or what the theme was going to be. So I discovered what the show was about as I watched it. Here’s my take.

The show follows Clancy’s spiritual and literal cosmic journey throughout different planets that are going through some sort of mass Apocalypses. And without even telling you, the very meta-framing of the show is introducing you to your first theme: it’s not about Clancy’s random roaming through space and time - but about how he chooses specific subjects to interview. And, thus, they’re exploring the idea of interdependency. 

This basically means that humans are required to form a network of support and connection in order to grow. No one is supposed to entirely depend on others, nor we are meant to do things entirely by ourselves - but our journey lies in the bonds we build with other people. Even more so, it reflects back on Heraclitus’ original teachings that "no man ever steps in the same river twice" as well on the idea that everything flows (aka Panta rhei). Which is an idea that has been recycled infinite times to say that every time you have significant experiences and you connect with someone through their personal history - you are changed forever. And, in a sense, it’s like this indelible influence they have on you will always stay with you and, thus, you will always carry a little bit of them with you.

And as you dive deeper into Clancy’s journey, you explore many different ways for him to understand his own spiritual journey. You know little as to why he’s on a spiritual journey - but you do get some glimpses of him trying to run away from a life that doesn’t make him happy, and literally trying to find his place in the universe.

This desire, this compulsion, is what fuels him to explore so many different avenues. It’s interesting that the first episode of the show is an explicit conversation about drugs and the relationship we have with substances. Something, which, btw, is also the aesthetic theme of the entire show with its psychedelic style and color palette. And here’s the second covert theme they’re introducing us to: escapism. 

And it’s not just drugs - but how far into ontological theory, spiritual philosophy and ritual we’re willing to go to find spiritual truths. It’s about an overwhelming urge to find “the truth” outside of us. It’s on how Clancy is constantly having to look at others in his environment (legit authorities or not in the real world outside of the show) for some guidance. It’s like Clancy is silently screaming: please, someone, anyone, tell me what to believe or how to think, because I’m not sure about anything anymore. And this need is what drives him to listen to everyone equally - regardless of his own spiritual needs. Because in his aimlessness, anything and everything seems like an equally valid guide. So he gets lost in abstraction and form, to the point where he hasn’t come a step closer to finding himself. Which is not something bad, btw. We all need to get lost and abstracted in order to find ourselves again.

And it’s in that very last episode where he does just that. Mouse of Silver is different from all the other episodes from the beginning. I was somewhat listening to it absentmindedly (my eyes distracted with something else and not fixed on the screen), and the second I heard the voice of Clancy’s mom for the first time, it instantly felt different. And it took me almost 5 hours to get through the +20 minute episode. Because it felt too real. There was real intimacy in that conversation - you could just tell. I had to google some information because the episode was an excruciating emotional experience - and that’s how I found out Duncan Trussell was actually talking to his mom (Deneen Fendig)... who did die in 2013.

And that’s how you get to the third important theme and, imho, the actual lesson of the entire show (or at least season): the truth is in you, always. After traveling around so many planets, after talking to so many people, after looking for the truth in so many different places, of getting lost in abstraction and exotic teachings - Clancy’s greatest lesson comes from his mother. Through the deep emotional bond they have, Clancy does the most growing he ever has done. And it’s not an easy one. It’s extremely painful and raw. He’s listening to his dying mother talk about death, and love, and about being present with the people you love. But it’s through the most simple and basic interaction that he gets the closest to the truth.

Because truth is not something you find in books. Or in rituals. Or in dogma.  Truth is what you find when you look inside. That very conversation with his mother is forcing him to take a good look at himself and face all the emotions and issues he’s been running away from. By admitting to the truth that his mother is dying, he has no other option but to look at his own pain and sense of loss in the eye and deal with it. He has to look at his own broken heart and grief, now knowing that the only thing you can do about pain is to go through it. “What do you do about [a heartbreak]?”, he asks his mom - to which she replies a very simple and honest truth: “you cry”. That’s where real growth happens for Clancy.

The Emperor was naked all this time. Clancy was looking for the truth in all the wrong places. But he needed to do this search, so he could understand that the only place he really had to go was inward. 

Much like the witches of Discworld teach us: the truth is simple. You don’t need all that jometry to do magic. Because actual magic comes from within - and actual power comes from a deep commitment to the truth. Or like Dr. Drew says on the first episode: it’s about “accepting and perceiving and dealing with reality on reality’s terms��.

Real truth, real growth, real happiness will come from an integral relationship with yourself - which will allow you to create solid bonds and connections with other people, based on love. And it’s that love and those relationships what will guide you through life. 

And even if you get a little bit lost sometimes, and you’re not sure where to go, they will always serve as beacons of light. So you can always find your way back home.