#||x IF YOU WISH TO STUDY ZOOPHAGY [ headcanons ]

[zoophagist]

Shaking your hand over the Dracfield content. I'm into novel!Dracfield hard, I joined the "Dracula" fandom specifically for that ship, like 3 years ago, I'm even into the 2023!Dracfield, but the stuff going on in the tag right now just makes me ?????. Oh? So for yall it's not about the guy clinging to an Eldritch being because of homophobia and ableism? Oook, keep your secrets.

ooc;; every dracula fan is valid no matter their preferred version but that DOESN'T mean i understand them!! yeah i DO understand your vibes though. turning from humanity because humanity has turned away from you... embracing the monstrous because you are seen as a monster... running into the arms of anyone or anything that will make you feel protected, valued, and loved?? hell yeah, brother. personally i go feral for the "you're completely inhuman, you're like unto a god, and i can never comprehend any way you're capable of truly wanting me but still i am wanted somehow and i would do anything to be yours" of it all, so. hm. definitely not enough eldritch incomprehensibility in this dracfield for me. HATE to say this for renfield's sake but one of the most important hallmarks of the dracfield ship for me is how renfield is living off the scraps of dracula's attention and is highly unlikely to ever get more than that. it feeds the pining deliciously. so i am baffled by the vibe the 2023 fans go for of not only drac's constant availability to renfield but apparently really overt feelings for renfield?? like fully in love with renfield too?? but hm, if i think about it, i do also like the angle of dracula using renfield's amorous feelings to manipulate him of play with him, and the stringing along of promises and rewards so i it's not that i want dracula to only ever be cold and aloof, but maybe that like... i think i don't buy that count dracula would just accept and get tender over feelings for renfield? i need something of the monstrous "you don't love like a human should" element still, and also maybe a little cruelty & manipulation. the 2023 fandom stuff i see makes dracula too soft and knowable to me!! i really need that "somewhat in the position which enoch occupied spiritually" "why?" "because he walked with god" energy at the heart of it all. lmao not like anybody asked. if the 2023 fans are seeing this PLEASE know i'm not being snarky or superior. our spice is different but we are fundamentally eating the same meal and i am giving you a confused and supportive thumbs up from across the restaurant with a mouthful of dracfield. i am toasting you with the master/servant kink we're all chugging like water.

[zoophagist]

When you get your soft, italicized, "Oh."

the late-night talk

Oh. you figure it out when you realize just how vulnerable they are willing to be with you. it isn't everybody who could or would stay up talking into the night with you, not with such affection or easy familiarity. it isn't everybody who is so understanding of you. it isn't everybody who could bare their soul to you in return. that kind of intimacy... it means deep foundations. it means comfort. it means trust. maybe it's a secret, maybe it's a story, maybe it's something you just never thought of before -- but they say something, late at night, and you realize all at once how remarkable they are, and how special it is to exist in the same time and space as them. "oh" indeed.

Tagged by: @charmantevamp Tagging: @polarean (for lucy or jameson!), @reastless, @themasterssong, @vyrulent (for jack or lucy!)

[zoophagist]

Do you have any specific headcanons for your Renfield's Dracula, anything at all? How much does he have in common with the BoR dude?

hmmm, good question! in the respect that this is a roleplay blog i try not to get to invested in the minutiae of headcanons on any character other than my own, because i love playing against all kinds of different versions that other people flesh out. but with a character like dracula, that is so crucial to renfield's life, i'd be lying if i said i didn't have any thoughts or preferences. so here's what i got:

not the first vampire. you aren't SPECIAL, count. yeah, i just think it's more spooky and ominous to have this guy you think is the biggest and baddest and then have to come to the harrowing thought of "what evil begot this evil" you know? and dracula's maker is still out there somewhere (just probably better at being a vampire than he is). personally i'm into the lore tidbit that killing a vampire kills all the vampires that it turned, so dracula's creator MUST be alive undead still, or else dracula would be dust along with them.

sophistication. i love a suave dracula, refined, elegant, a little uncanny. big hulking draculas don't do much for me, and i think that the novel's vibe of "he mimics civility and poise so perfectly you might miss he's the monster until you get too close" is best suited by a dracula who's not the tallest or the most muscle-bound. then his strength and ferocity are even more of a surprise when he reveals them. this is also fun in contrast to a beefy renfield.

inhuman forms. personally the mist is the one i'm most obsessed with, but bats and other such creatures of the night slap too. since you ask about tBoR overlap, i do like the idea that dracula's forms are much more varied than what stoker shows us, and some broader shape shifting abilities are very fun. i love a dracula that's sort of unknowable and myriad because it gives renfield more fodder for both worship of the inhuman and paranoia about the omnipresence of a master he may not understand or recognize at first.

the ur-mind meld. so in canon dracula has the power to see within the minds and senses of those he feeds on or turns. i like to headcanon that power further, letting him see/use the minds of those bitten by vampires he's made. so for example, dracula turns lucy and can exchange thoughts with her, and if lucy turns someone else, dracula can reach through to that person as well. it's all about the shared blood connection, baby. this also sort of draws on the logic of like... chains of command. if your boss is lucy, and her boss is dracula, effectively your boss is also dracula, as she would be bound to him, and you are bound to her, binding you to him... i love making a messed up little hivemind <3 other vampires & familiars can feel these connections to one another too, though more faintly. for them it's less like dracula's direct access to their minds, more an awareness of another being's presence in the same web of vampiric consciousness that all centers on dracula. maybe they have a stronger sense of empathy with one another, or can pick up each others' distress or warnings.

the I.N.B. (international network of brides). i like to headcanon dracula having a much larger number of progeny to spread around the world and do his business. first, it's just FUN. second, it works with the anxieties of vampire 'infiltration' in the book. third, it- well, frankly it makes my life a lot easier for how renfield becomes a familiar with telepathic dracula-alarms. see, if we accept both the I.N.B. and the above point about the psychic link vampires, familiars, and victims share, then i can have renfield get bitten by a bride in england (hello milady in tbor) and be psychically connected to dracula as a servant without having to break the canon of dracula never having been to england before! bc that canon is SUPER significant to me! on that note:

homebody. dracula has not traveled significantly in all the time of his undeath. i think it's just really important to stoker's novel that dracula has never tried something like his attack on england before and is actively learning how to pull it off as it happens. so when i think of dracula, i'm thinking of a guy who hasn't left the flyable-in-one-night distance of his castle since becoming a vampire. it's why his immediate area has become so unworkable for him; he's over-used it, everyone nearby knows what he is , and they've been learning ways to protect themselves from him for years. it's getting very hard indeed to keep himself and his three local brides fed around these parts!

schrodinger's bite. i have multiple, contradictory headcanons about if/when/how often renfield has been fed on by dracula, and if you don't look in the box to check, they're all equally true and correct at the same time. :) but i shift between them for whatever works in certain verses/interactions. for instance if i'm writing with a dracula who's never left transylvania until the harker incident? cool, dracula and renfield have never met face to face and renfield's only had contact with brides. no pre-england dracula bite. writing with a dracula who's from a source version that lets him travel more, maybe through parts of europe and asia? cool, renfield spent a little time in amsterdam where he got bitten at least once by dracula. both these versions are true and neither of them is. that's just how it be.

dracula's bite. every vampire lore has to talk about what being bitten is like, right? it's mandatory. i enjoy media that plays into the eroticism of the bite, but i think that an angle of plain, straight "it feels good" is BORING and LAME. what are we here for if it isn't also agonizing and making your fight or flight kick in??? i like to imagine the count's bite as an initial stab of pain and terror but then the sensations blur and the fight drains out of the victim, not just from blood loss, but from dracula's manipulative power, lulling them into foggy uncertainty and complacency.

dracula's bite but make it FAMILIARS. when dracula bites someone that he's exchanged blood with (a familiar), there's still the pain of the bite and the looming mind-haze, but because their minds and blood are already linked, there's this sort of reciprocal sensation-sharing that passes between them. for example, if dracula bites renfield, dracula can experience a sense of what renfield feels being fed on, and renfield can expereince what dracula feels feeding on him. this is why a familiar might crave being fed on in spite of themselves - the intoxicating sensation of being both the hunter and the hunted at once is rather heady. victims don't have that blood/mind link, and so are trapped in the horror of the bite, while familiars have had their senses opened to another layer of awareness and connection that can turn being fed on into a pleasure.

those are the things i can think of right now, anyway. but to specifically hone in on the tbor angle and answer that directly, i mean... some? some significant overlap? i think i consider the stoker novel more gospel that tim's 'gospel of dracula' (i think i'm SO clever with my wordplay), so stoker lore supersedes tbor for me if they're ever in conflict. for instance, even though tbor has some strong subtext that milady is 1 to 1 just dracula, i play looser with that in order to keep the stoker canon that dracula has never been capable of going to england before. but in places where tbor can add on top of the dracula novel without contradicting it, i'll use it (example: the above point about his range of shapeshifting!)

i hope this is a satisfying answer! i don't have a lot of, like, physical description hcs or minute behavior hcs, so i hope lots of lore-heavy stuff pleases you instead, anon.

[zoophagist]

                 R. M. RENFIELD   /   BLOG ASSOCIATION.

animal:       rat color(s):      grey month:       may (renfield’s first canon appearance!) song:       “red right hand” by nick cave & the bad seeds number:      59 (the age seward estimates renfield to have) day or night:     night plant:       ivy smell:      damp soil gemstone:      amber season:       autumn  place:       a sparsely furnished cell food:     insects element:     earth drink:       blood!

tagged by :    @polarean tagging : @daedaluscried (for eirena), @elisethetraveller, @fromgallowsandgraves, @greyhoundgxrl, @vyrulent (for jack), @wcstenra

[zoophagist]

EMOTIONAL  BAGGAGE .      bold  whatever  applies  to  your  muse ,      italicize  the  things  that  only  somewhat  apply / are  verse  dependent .      repost  don’t  reblog .

been  cheated  on     |      been  bullied      |     had your heart broken     |      broken  someone’s  heart     |      told  a  horrible  lie     |      been  betrayed      |      been  framed / set-up      |      stolen  something  of  value      |      overdosed  on  drugs      |      been  drunk      |      cheated      |      bullied    |      been  publicly  humiliated      |      punched  someone  in  the  face      |      been  beaten  up      |      broken  a  bone      |     been admitted to a hospital      |      put  someone  in  the  hospital      |      had  a  near-death  experience      |     been  drugged      |      done  drugs      |      smoked      |      been  arrested  |      been  homeless      |      been  forced  to  commit  a  crime      |      died  and  came  back  to  life      |     kissed  someone  you  weren’t  attracted  to     |      bled  severely     |     killed  someone     |      been  forced  to  kill  someone      |      had  an  attempt  on  your  life       |      made  an  attempt  on  your  own  life      |      lost  someone      |      loved  someone      |      watched  a  loved  one  die      |      failed  to  save / help  a  loved  one      |      felt  helpless      |      watched  your  world  die / disappear      |      had  your  life’s  work  stolen / destroyed      |      gone  without  food  for  over  three  days      |      gone  without  sleep  for  over  three  days      |      been  tortured / questioned      |      been  shot     |      been  stabbed      |      been  poisoned      |      been  held  prisoner     |      been  trapped      |      been  buried  alive     |      been  held  hostage      |     held  someone  hostage      |      been  stuck  in  a  different  world / universe / time      |     been  abused  by  someone  who  should  have  loved / appreciated / valued  you    |     had  a  panic  attack     |      had  night  terrors      |      been  in  a  car  accident      |      lost  your  job      |      lost  a  fight   |      had  sex  with  a  stranger   |      been  divorced      |      been  abandoned      |      passed  out  from  pain      |      cried  yourself  to  sleep      |      spent  a  whole  day  in  bed      |      hurt  yourself      |      taken  your  anger  out  on  yourself      |      taken  your  anger  out  on  someone  you  love      |     been  used      |      been  manipulated       |      felt  used      |      manipulated  someone  else       |      had  your  memories / mind  wiped / stolen   or  tampered  with      |      been  taken  over  by  a  hostile  force      |       been  terrified      |      played  a  cruel  game  on  someone      |      been  forced  to  smile      |      felt  too  many  things  at  once   |      laughed  when  you  felt  like  crying     |      been  in  denial      |      been  denied      |      faced  your  demons

tagged by: @greyhoundgxrl & @elisethetraveller tagging: anyone who wants it! steal it and tag me — i’d love to see!

[zoophagist]

Re-sent the guest ask, been going through your posts and I honestly want to know more about the Renfield milk???? Like...??? Is it something familiars do in the "Book of Renfield" lore? Is it just his meds (idk if opiates cause spontaneous lactation tho, it's more of a modern day antipsychotics side-effect)? Like I'm intrigued, man.

ooc;; yes, thank you, it's in the queue! should post shortly!

oh, the renfield milk... i'm... man if only it were as logical as any of that. no, silly, it foams from his mouth in a blood mixture when he's frenzied! 🙃 i cannot stress enough how wild some of the shit in this book is. (someday, when i post more of the audiobook project, then you'll all know...) i'm putting the explanation under a cut because... i don't know how to tag this but it's SOME kind of horror or trigger. read with that in mind.

so. i'm not going to be able to explain this without inciting like 5 other questions i'm sure, but let me try to give the briefest, most direct answer i can. the book is framed as seward's uncensored patient file on renfield, seward POV aside from renfield’s oral history. seward never figures out the true cause of this episode, so we never know it either, but it happens only once, at the end of an interview with renfield in which he relives the first time he ingested vampiric blood. and the vampire that feeds him is a mother figure that lets him (a roughly 12 year old) drink her breast milk. (please, i can feel the questions, please try to stay focused.) but the milk becomes blood as he drinks. when renfield recounts this story, he goes into some kind of fit. in its aftermath, seward tells his diary:

"there was something ominous about his calm, and as i looked upon his sudden suspension of activity with concern, i stared with amazement as his lips parted and a long thread of viscous pink fluid spilled from the edge of his mouth.

at my summoning, the attendants returned the patient to his room. i collected a sample of his sputum from the floor which, upon later analysis, proved to be what rational science would never permit it to be: a spontaneous generation of blood and human milk. the substance was rich in fats and nutrients. was renfield able to generate this fluid at will, or only when reminiscing (fantasising?) about this wish fulfilled? If so, it would certainly explain how he had managed to sustain his bulk in his time here, while disdaining our meals."

... again. we never given an explanation of how this happens. i have NO idea what good ol' tim lucas intended, but i personally like to read this as a gruesome little consequence of telling the doctor Too Much. renfield (in tbor and dracula both) implies he's not capable of speaking out against dracula when it's most needed, and while one could certainly parse that as 'he feels his hands are tied' i like to read it as 'he physically cannot speak some truths against the count's will' (backed up, in my opinion, by mina needing to be hypnotized to tell the gang what she knows about dracula's boat trip).

so i think there should be some kind of inhibiting consequences for renfield trying to work past that block and speak the truth. (sometimes i write moments like this with him having sudden pains, migraines, or feeling sick or overcome by terror.) but in this section from tbor he has crossed a line and finally recounted something explicitly vampiric, even if he doesn't use the word. directly before what i quoted above, the text describes that as renfield struggles to get these words out his tone is "a deeply masochistic one; he grunted the words, through his nose and mouth, as though every few words were a chunk of meat he had to tear from his own wincing torso," and when he finishes recounting this, he calms "as if in blessed relief that the pain of that bodily abuse had finally stopped," then the blood/milk drool comes. it reads as if he’s trying very hard to fight through this to tell seward what happened, and is relieved because he was able to get through it. so i love imagining that this is the kind of fucked up, horrible thing that can happen to renfield if he speaks vampire secrets. the blood (/milk) he drank is a pact that bound him to that bride and to dracula (they're potentially the same person. no, no off-topic questions, i said stay focused!) and so if he acts disloyally that pact surges back up viscerally to silence him. maybe he could even lose that blood or that bond in some kind of horrible vomiting episode if he truly betrayed dracula? i just think the horror of that is really fucking cool, and would motivate why renfield never otherwise (in either stoker or lucas) gets so close to revealing the truth about vampires.

ANYWAY, that's what the milk thing is. hope this helps :)

[zoophagist]

I honestly love seeing different people's explanations on how Renfield even met Dracula and came to worship him, because Stoker really didn't think it through did he. So, what's your opinion? Both your version of Renfield-wise and book-wise?

oh MAN this ask got buried in my inbox for a while, sorry! awesome question to dig into! answer below the cut because i get lengthy, as usual.

my version of renfield's backstory is largely based in 'the book of renfield,' and that takes the angle that renfield has been groomed for vampire nonsense since his childhood.* in this set up, he was indoctrinated by another vampire, likely a bride of dracula, who brought him into dracula's service, but renfield did not meet dracula in the flesh until the events of the novel, consistent with his crying out to dracula "i have worshipped you long and afar off." he's been psychically linked to dracula the whole time, and can have frenzies or dreams that get him closer to seeing/communing directly with dracula, but nothing more until dracula comes to england in stoker's canon. i have a backstory page that goes into more detail about why renfield comes to accept worshiping him, but the main thrust is that he's a well-simmered stew of religious trauma, parental issues, and a very particular fear of dying and facing judgment.

strictly book-wise, as i interpret stoker, though? hmm. i mean, yeah he really didn't think it through, and i know that there are those that posit renfield has no prior connection to the count outside the book timeline, but i am personally in the camp of the long-game reading. i do think renfield has been in dracula's service for a long time, again, referencing his declaration "i have worshipped you long and afar off," but also on the grounds that by the time dracula is in england, renfield is already incarcerated and it is a Significant Point in the text that dracula cannot get into the asylum without invitation when mina is there later, so he has not been previously invited in. consequently it seems highly unlikely that he could have had the blood-drinking contact necessary to give renfield that kind of psychic link to his comings and goings,** as this would have given him access to renfield's cell. if we say renfield is not already a thrall of dracula when the book starts it would force us to assume dracula immediately arrived in england and his number one priority was making a minion of a man trapped in a not-yet-relevant-to-him asylum, effectively useless for vampiric bidding, which makes very little sense. renfield also has a reaction to the storm in whitby, before dracula would even have gotten to purfleet's asylum, ruling that option out entirely, as i see it. but given the fact that dracula has never been to england before, it is also necessary to extrapolate an explanation of how renfield crossed his path prior to the novel's timeline. renfield was at some point a man of standing and means (we know this from his reference to knowing the late lord godalming and membership to the windham house, and it is also implied by his educated thought, remarked on by seward). this makes it possible to imagine that renfield could have had the means to travel, either for business or pleasure, to the continent. why he would ever be in transylvania is a mystery to me, but we can have some leeway in how far we imagine dracula to have previously traveled. his limitations are needing native soil and an inability to cross moving water, and if we generously assume waterways are comparable today to what they would have been during the mid- to late-1800s when renfield could have been in europe, the count could likely get as far as the rhine river (taking a large detour to avoid the danube)! so... possibly renfield got attacked by dracula on a trip to europe? that's my best guess: blood exchange in europe, brought back to england when he showed signs of being ill, and at that distance, able to recover enough without further feedings and avoid ending up like lucy but maintaining as mina did the mental link to dracula. how that became worship and not just a chance encounter i think might have to do with renfield's religious leanings, since he seems a little zealous (maybe was a devout man before dracula?) and with the continued, inexplicable feeling of connection to something supernatural, possibly voices in his head or visions of an immortal being, one can imagine a conflation between god and dracula occurring for him. it is also implied that dracula can communicate with renfield enough if not to directly order him, then to motivate him to take actions (see his knife attack on seward when the crew begins transfusing blood to try to save lucy; renfield attacks him the same night as the wolf attack on the westenras, and seems satisfied to have made him bleed, not kill him, indicating it's an attempt to prevent him from being able to transfuse more of his own blood to lucy). knowing this, we could maybe extrapolate that renfield was previously drawn into more acute worship of dracula by the count's orders and compulsions.

god, okay, essay over. i think that's all i wanted to say. if anything's unclear or if you have differing thoughts, please do send more asks! i love pulling out all the little details to try to work out drac facts :)

* there is an argument to be made that renfield's oral history of his own life is unreliable and that he may omit things or intentionally choose to misrepresent them, which is equally great as a literary perspective on the text, but i take him largely at his word because it seems consistent with stoker's renfield's compulsion to feel important and drop clues/truths without being able to say the most crucial, vampiric truth. so, do with that what you will.

** the characters of the novel do not acknowledge this directly, but it is canon that renfield's apparent ability to sense dracula's doings and the symptoms around their psychic connection are the same as those that mina gains from exchanging blood with the count. the implication is, as a result, that we must understand renfield to have exchanged blood with dracula at some point.

[zoophagist]

WHAT  KIND  OF  PINING  ARE  YOU?

whispers

the things you tell them in your sleep mean more than the stiff conversation that is all you can have while conscious. you dream of being able to lean in and tell them the truth in a voice no one else can hear. some things are just for you. some things deserve to be said. but not yet, not yet.

tagged by: stolen from @willowdied​ ;) tagging: @archaeval​, @corvidamned​, @daedaluscried​ (for eirena), @dubovoye​, @elisethetraveller​, @professor-of-predators​, @reastless​, @st-riley-the-brave​, @vyrulent​ (for lucy or jack), @wcstenra​

[zoophagist]

Do you think he'd bond with Jonathan?

ooc;; i think there's a potentiality! obviously in canon that chance is never really there, but i could imagine that because jonathan knows the most of the count first hand, renfield's jealousy and need to know/have more of the count could make him frankly ravenous for anything jonathan lets slip. and imagine jonathan, just disgusted by the idea anyone could want what he suffered, trying with his testimony to make renfield see just how terrible and dark it is to be so near to dracula!

or in a 'renfield survives' au, think of jonathan trying to parse what renfield's interest in mina is and how it might scare him, or drive him to understand renfield more.

and it's so delicious to think about jonathan having any sympathy for renfield's condition in the asylum given that he was treated as a madman in buda-pesth after escaping the castle. i just think jonathan should be allowed to be the only one who takes renfield seriously or wonders what happened to him... obviously jonathan's treatment was ... nicer. but there has to be some capacity to bond in recognizing the man you might have become if you were alone, or unloved, or written off.

it's not a case of "obviously they'd mesh! so right for each other!" but more like... god, if fate caught them both at the right moment to let that spark of commonality ignite, the marvelous interactions we could see...

[zoophagist]

WHAT KIND OF “I LOVE YOU” ARE YOU?

“i love you, i've always loved you, i will always love you”

it's commitment, it's devotion, it goes often without saying, but is felt nonetheless. it's accepting that you would travel to hell and back for them if they asked and knowing that they would do the same for you. it's an old ache, long after they've burrowed deep into your chest and settled there like a weight- grounding, an anchor point. even when you're apart, you can still feel the shape of them, it's like phantom pain. neither of you can help but succumb to the other's gravity, yet neither of you fear the collision. it means that you trust them, that they make you feel safe, that they feel like home.

tagged by: @flcralist thanks (<3)

tagging: @daedaluscried (for eirena), @elisethetraveller​, @fromgallowsandgraves, @greyhoundgxrl, @polarean, @reastless, @st-riley-the-brave, @themasterssong, @vyrulent (for lucy and/or jack), @wcstenra, @ycllowhaired

[zoophagist]

I've been following you for months and it just struck me I have like zero clue what your Renfield looks like. I remember you saying he doesn't quite look like Frye? If you have any headcanons and ideas I'd love to read about that ^^

ah, you hit on a bit of an intentional obscurity of mine. i recently got rid of my faceclaims of old and have not provided much concrete to substitute for them. yeah man it's... it's rough. i have used frye in the past because it was an available icon resource but that's not true to what i see novel!canon renfield as in my mind, nor were the approximates i was using for other verses, so i finally bit the bullet and eliminated my faceclaims altogether. sorry to make it feel vague. despite a lack of visuals, i do have solid ideas and preferences, and i do sometimes talk about his appearance in my headcanon tag, but this is the gist:

i try to hold as true to stoker as i can, so he's an older but hardy gentleman. i'm fond of him having a somewhat muscular physique, a little bulky. i see him as broad and sturdy, about 6ft, so he cuts a bit of an imposing figure when he wants to, but is no giant. he has big hands and little nicks and scars up them and his arms. he's got brown hair in younger verses, but by canon it's dulled and greying, and kept short more as a convenience of the asylum than in any particular fashion. he's got glasses, and behind them, blue eyes. he often sports greying stubble.

if i had to pick a visual reference, i'd say tom waits' renfield from the 1990s film is closer than most renfields i’ve seen, but not dead on.

[zoophagist]

how do you need to be touched?

cautiously.

your teeth are bared, as they have been, your jaw aching for so long as growls slip free. you always have to defend yourself. you lash out in fear. you need someone who does not shrink back... a hand falling slowly to your shoulder, however briefly, in a reminder that you do not have to lunge. there is no danger here, now.

tagged by: absolutely no one, i’m just vibing tagging: @archaeval​, @dubovoye​ (for jameson), @professor-of-predators​, @reastless​

[zoophagist]

What is your found family role?

the silent sufferer

you love your friends, but the truth is, you go through most of the real things alone. it's better that no one sees you like this. you'll be fine, really, because you're used to feeling this way. it'll pass. it always does. that's what you believe, anyway. you're more likely to give someone advice on a lesson you've learned without telling them how you learned it. you've come to realize that, if they're coming to you for advice, they'll be too preoccupied to ask. it stings, but it's... that's just the way feelings work sometimes. when you're around others, most of these problems seem to vanish, and you're better able to love the person you are. only on the worst days do you continue to hear that insistent whisper that it's, "all a lie because they don't know what's *really* going on." it's not a lie. you are loved. those moments together are real. there are times when you can afford not to be so strong.

Tagged by; @elisethetraveller​ thanks! Tagging: @dubovoye (for lucy), @reastless, @songbird-not-found

[zoophagist]

sweetheart for the valentine’s day alphabet meme?

valentine's day alphabet // S   :   SWEETHEART.   did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

not really, no! renfield grew up in a community that saw him as a disturbed, dangerous little boy, and a bad omen to boot! he was considered an unsafe/undesirable playmate for other children, so he had no (human) friends while growing up in the vicarage. and without even friends, a sweetheart was certainly beyond his ken!

[zoophagist]

BOLD ➝   always   /  usually applies italic ➝  only applies situationally   /   sometimes

DEFENSIVENESS. arms  crossed  on  chest /   crossing  legs  /  fist-like  gestures  /   pointing  index  finger /   karate  chops   /   stiffening  of  shoulders /   tense  posture / curling  of  lip /   baring  of  teeth

REFLECTIVE. hand  to  face  gestures /   head  tilted  /   stroking chin  /  peering  over   glasses /   taking  glasses  off  —  cleaning   /   putting  earpiece  of  glasses  in  mouth   /   pipe  smoker  gestures  / putting  hand  to  the  bridge  of  nose  /   pursed  lips /  knitted  brows

SUSPICION. arms  crossed /  sideways  glance   /   touching  or  rubbing  nose   / rubbing  eyes   /   hands  resting  on  weapon   /  brows  rising  / lips  pressing  into  a  thin  line /   strict  unwavering  eye  contact /  wrinkling  of  nose

OPENNESS  +  COOPERATION. open  hands /   upper  body  in  sprinters  position   / sitting  on  the  edge  of  a  chair /   hand-to-face gestures   /   unbuttoned  coat   /  tilted  head /   slacked  shoulders  /   droopy  posture   /   feet  pointed  outward  /   palms  flat  and  facing  outward

CONFIDENCE. hands  behind  back /   hands  on  lapels  of  coat  /   steepled  hands   /   baring  teeth  in  a  grin  /   rolling  shoulders   /   tipping  head  back  but  maintaining  eye  contact  /   chest  puffed  up /   shoulders  back /  arms  folded  just  above  navel

INSECURITY  +  ANXIETY. chewing  pen  or  pencil   /   rubbing  thumb  over  opposite  thumb  /   biting  fingernails  /   hands  in  pockets   /   elbow  bent  / closed  gestures  /   clearing  throat  / pacing   /    “ whew ”  sound   /  picking  or  pinching  flesh  / fidgeting  in  chair /   hand  covering  mouth  whilst  speaking /   poor  eye  contact  /   tugging  at  pants  whilst  seated   /   jingling  money  in  pockets   /   tugging  at  ear  /   perspiring  hands   /   playing  with  hair  /   swaying   /   playing  with  pointer   /   marker   /   smacking  lips  /   sighing /   rocking  on  balls  of  feet  /  flexing  fingers  sporadically

FRUSTRATION. short  breaths  /  “ tsk ”  sounds  /   tightly  clenched  hands /   fist-like  gestures /   pointing  index  finger / running  hand  through  hair  /  rubbing  back  of  neck /   snarling   / revealing  teeth /   grimacing /   sharp-eyed  glowers  with  notable  tension  in  brows /   shoulders  back  ,  head  up   -   defensive  posturing  /   clenching  of  jaw /   grinding  of  teeth /  nostrils  flaring / heavy  exhales

tagged by:  @dubovoye tagging: @goodliest, @odairing, @professor-of-predators, @songbird-not-found

[zoophagist]

S : SWEETHEART. did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

valentine hc meme

S : SWEETHEART. did your muse have a childhood sweetheart?

nope. renfield grew up without many children his own age to play with, and no close relationships. he was fostered by a family for several early years which had two boys, though renfield was still too young to see them as anything but bullies, and they were too distant and cruel to be brothers in any sense. and he simply had no relationships with girls at all in his childhood and adolescence. the village he grew up near was convinced he was a changeling or some kind of bad omen, and after he was refused from his foster family at around age 6 for unnatural and unwholesome behaviors, he was seen as socially untouchable and parents kept girls in particular away from him lest he prove dangerous to them.