#|| ' picking up the pieces now where to begin ? the hardest part of ending is starting again ' || { v; main // gabe & ramona }

[todoslosdiasdemivida]

"No te preocupes," she reassures, the smile still lingering without even a trace of aggravation. "You're not in my way at all, te prometo."

Even as she goes about gathering what she needs for the coffee—and none of that cheap instant stuff either, thank you!—still she looks over her shoulder a few times with some interest as he moves to stop the impending spice orbit from manifesting itself around him.

Ramona had thought, years ago during the first go-around with Overwatch, that she was used to the Weird. After all, there was Gabe's Weird and the adjustment that had needed to be navigated. Lena's Weird, which had left everyone more than a little at a loss more than once. Genji and his cybernetics. That woman and her alleged science...

She must admit, however, that Sigma's gravity-defying existence is certainly a new one, and she finds herself mildly fascinated, though she does her best not to make him feel like a spectacle. [ She's had plenty of years' experience with that, after all. ]

Opening a cabinet over the counter so that he can see inside, she turns to face him again and tips her head toward the cabinet, indicating the variety of coffee options available.

"What seems good?" she asks. "With all the coffee fiends around here, we try to keep a pretty decent selection."

               It doesn’t really come as much of a surprise that Ramona is wonderful company. 

While within TALON, despite the atrocities of warfare and those caught between, there had always been something peculiar about the agent in question; at the surface, callous and indifferent– yet there were flickers of further depth in the frequencies SIGMA’S ANOMALY would take in. A steadfastness, secureness. 

               In the beginning, it had seemed so misplaced, an erroneous reading on his part, that Reaper had been genuine with him. Yet, in the wake of the destruction, upon Gabriel offering sanctuary from the unending nightmare that had been TALON…. That is when he realized just how trustworthy he’d been from the very beginning, despite all of the other charades and mockery that had haunted his every waking hour within that facility. From the very moment of his extraction from prison, to now, standing in Ramona’s kitchen as a free man at last– Gabriel had been with him every step of the way. 

So no, there is very little shock that such a fantastic man would have such a gracious wife.

               However… there is a degree of shyness. He’s still adjusting to the courtesies of being welcome. 

The ORACLE is very shy, pulling at the sleeves of a hideously garish christmas sweater courtesy of Missus Ramona herself that had been haphazardly and unceremoniously pulled over the old jumpsuit he’d refused to do away with. The fragrance of peppermint and various other sweets draws him from the mostly one-sided conversation he’d been having with Gabriel, floating towards the kitchen absentmindedly to first peer inside, before deciding to fully approach.  

               Naturally, Ramona’s dry remark draws a more confident smile to SIGMA’S features, prompting a coy, Cheshire-like creasing of his weathered features, almost teetering on his axis from the other side of the counter. She’s delightful, and it’s impossible to prevent the accompanying surge of joy that her reaction delivers, a nervous, tittering laugh bubbling up as a few of the ingredients appear to wobble in place as a result of nearly being displaced entirely as he cups the confection in a gloved hand appreciatively.

“-- O-oh! Yes! A coffee would be… just perfect!” SIGMA chortles sheepishly, before his opposing hand reflexively darts forward, to stop a couple of her spice containers from toppling over– as a result of his gravitic fluctuations threatening to pick them up into orbit around himself. 

              “… Sorry! I– I don’t mean to get in your way…! My sincerest apologies!”

[aealzx]

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Update Post

Prologue | AO3

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Despite not being comatose anymore, Danny’s health still wasn’t the greatest. After getting introductions for who everyone was they had started to explain to him what had happened. Only for him to fall asleep again before they got very far. After being assured by Bruce and Leslie that it was normal for those who had been in a coma to not be able to stay awake very long in the beginning, the others had found ways to entertain themselves while letting him rest more. When he woke up again hours later they let him orient himself again before trying to pick up where they’d left off. They had to repeat the same sequence again two more times before they got through the entire two months worth of events.

The hardest part of catching Danny up on everything had been admitting they didn’t know what had happened to Maddie and Jack. During the third time of being awake Danny had asked where they were, being confused why they hadn’t shown up to see him yet despite everything. And when Jazz had finally admitted it was because they weren’t there, and they didn’t even know if they were okay, Danny had panicked slightly. If he’d been in better health Jazz knew she wouldn’t have been able to stop him from running out into the city to try and find them himself. Yet at this point he couldn’t even push himself upright without help, and changing forms or even floating seemed impossible. Which had left him collapsed in Jazz’s lap, sobbing, “You don’t get it, Jazz! None of this matters at ALL if the people I care about aren’t alive! That includes mom and dad! None of this matters if they’re not okay too!”

Jazz knew that Danny really only fought to keep certain people happy. He’d protect everyone, sure. But the reason he kept going, the only real motivation he had for throwing himself in harm's way all the time, was to protect his friends and family. He did a lot of crazy heroic things, but he didn’t want to be some big time famous hero like she had learned Batman and Superman were. It was hard to not be able to tell him that he hadn’t failed. Only Sam, Tucker, and Danielle had been able to get him to calm down by reminding him how resilient Jack and Maddie were. Despite all the fights they got in, it was very rare that those two got hurt. So odds were they were still just fine after this disaster too. It had been enough to calm him down at least enough to stop crying, and allow himself to rest more. But his words still rang in Jazz’s head the next day.

Throughout the days Leslie was present more, checking Danny’s vitals, drawing a little more blood for another panel, bringing him room temperature water to sip in the afternoon. She strangely didn’t try to get Danny to eat anything until the next day. When Jazz asked about it Leslie had explained that while Danny definitely needed to eat again, there was a chance he wouldn’t be able to handle it just yet. While the cryo stasis had helped him not deteriorate as much as anyone else would have over a two month coma, he still had. He was underweight, malnourished, and easily fatigued. And that included his digestive system. She tried to help by giving Danny another vitamin IV with a slightly different formula. But even with that the first time she’d let him try eating two plain crackers he’d ended up throwing up less than an hour later.

That was when Bruce happened to come check on them. With the biggest hurdles for now having been taken care of, most of his kids had gone back to their own homes, as they usually did. It was hard to keep them around for more than a few days, and while there was still the task of getting these displaced kids back home they all knew that could wait until Danny was feeling better. Especially after learning through bits and pieces of information that there was a government team back there that would just love to hunt him down the first chance they got. So with Duke and Damian currently at school that left the house rather empty, and Bruce found himself taking charge of checking on their visitors. He had learned a lot about them in the past two days. The kids were obviously used to helping patch Danny back up, without the help of any adults. But they still relied on Danny being okay to feel secure. Danny was the one that protected them. Danny was the one they relied on being okay to judge whether or not everything else was okay. When Danny was cracking jokes the others were at ease. But when Danny couldn’t force himself to reassure them, there was a harsh spike in their anxiety. And usually Jazz was the one that took charge, trying to keep them all calm and reassured.

It was an unfair, but understandable situation that didn’t allow for Danny to truly rest. And that was what motivated Bruce to enter the room and approach the kids this time, stopping by the connected bathroom to grab a soft towel first. Jazz was once again the only one sitting on the bed while the other three hovered nearby, waiting to be directed. Her hands were on Danny’s back and arm as he was curled over the bucket Leslie had made sure was left just in case, coughing and half heaving despite there being nothing left in his stomach. Bruce couldn’t imagine how much stress it must be to have an audience, so decided the first thing he’d do would be to get the others to disperse. When he raised his hand to Tucker’s shoulder he couldn’t blame Tucker for jumping in startle.

“D’dude! You scared me,” Tucker protested shakily.

“He’ll be alright,” Bruce chose to assure instead of apologizing for inevitably sneaking up on the kids. “Can you three go work with Alfred to find a change of clothes and bedding?”

The three almost jumped on being given something to do, a series of affirmatives before they scurried from the room. Bruce sent Alfred a text to request he keep the three of them occupied for a while then knelt down next to the bed and offered the towel to Danny. It seemed his stomach had decided to stop throwing a fit for now, and as Danny took the towel and buried his face in it Bruce relocated the bucket to the nightstand. He didn’t need to wipe his entire face, but from that angle Bruce hadn’t missed the tears, and realized Danny was hiding.

“Jazz, can you join the others?” Bruce requested on Danny’s behalf. “And find Leslie to help waterproof his injuries so he can have a bath?” Not only would that give Danny some time away from the others, but he actually really needed one too. A fact Bruce realized when he’d reached up to help pull Danny’s hair out of his face. He’d probably feel a little better after getting fully cleaned up for once too.

Jazz seemed reluctant to leave, but at least seemed to know when her presence was a detriment more than comfort. She knew her brother well, and after leaning down to give Danny a peck on the head and whisper a quick ‘I love you’ she headed out the door.

“...Am I even allowed to have a bath?” Danny’s question came after he was sure Jazz was gone, raising his head and looking and sounding as miserable and pathetic as he probably felt.

“Of course you are,” Bruce assured, using his thumb to brush away another tear that escaped when Danny blinked. “We’ll just have to waterproof your injuries and IV site. But then you should be fine to take one for as long as you want.”

“...Really?”

“Yes.”

The idea of getting some time to himself was welcomed, but after realizing what he was thinking Danny’s expression crumpled again, and Bruce had to raise a little to catch him as we swayed. He was a little surprised when Danny actually curled into him then, his form shaking.

“Sorry,” Danny whimpered, and Bruce couldn’t keep himself from gathering the boy up in a tight hug. “...I’m not okay.”

That sounded like it had been incredibly hard to say, and Bruce had to wonder if it was something someone had been working on with him. He’d heard from Jason that it was relatively recent that Danny’s parents even knew what he was, let alone what he’d been going through. Perhaps one of them had been the one to talk him into letting them know when he wasn’t doing well.

“...I know,” Bruce responded quietly as he moved to sit on the bed and pull Danny into a ball. Everyone knew Danny wasn’t doing well physically. But Bruce knew he wasn’t just talking about that part of his health this time. “You’re going to be okay though.”

It felt good to be held by someone he didn’t have to protect. Someone that he didn’t have to pretend he knew what he was doing for. Act like he was just fine and nothing fazed him. It had been something he had just started getting after his parents got involved with all aspects of his life, and he hadn’t realized how much he would miss it until they weren’t there to give him that comfort. Jazz had a habit of calling out the fact that he was just a kid, but she was too, and couldn’t quite give him what he needed. But Bruce was an adult. And someone who seemed to have also lived through similar injuries. Hearing him say he’d be alright felt like a stated fact instead of just a confident reassurance.

It didn’t take long for Leslie to arrive and expertly shoo Jazz away again to help Alfred with the others. She wasn’t surprised at all to hear that Danny had thrown up, and instead just assured him he was going to be okay, and to think of it like having the stomach flu. The comparison did wonders in helping Danny calm down more, to the point he was only sniffling quietly as she took care of dressing his wounds in a waterproof covering.

“Don’t scrub too hard on the edges of the bandages when you’re washing up, okay?” Leslie directed while rubbing the said edges of the last bandage she was placing around his arm to encase the temporarily detached IV. She’d taken some time to clean the sites that would be covered so Danny would be able to feel completely clean after his bath, and was pleased to see he was healing a lot faster now that he wasn’t in some sort of stasis mode. She wouldn’t be surprised if his wounds were completely healed by the end of next week at this rate.

Danny gave a small hum in acknowledgement, understanding that he couldn’t break the seal if the bandages were going to work properly. The desire for an actual bath was strong enough that he was willing to comply with their conditions, even if it meant he had to have Bruce in the bathroom with him, just in case. It made sense considering he couldn’t go to the toilet on his own just yet, but at least Bruce had promised to stay facing towards the door as long as he could. He also had his phone with him to work on his own projects, so wouldn’t even try to get Danny to talk to him.

It was exhausting, but Danny also didn’t realize just how much it would feel good to be clean. To not have his scalp itch, and skin feel like a layer of grime was coating it. And also just to lounge in the warm water, in the silence and almost complete isolation. He was there for a little over an hour - dang fancy rich people's tubs and their ability to keep the water just right - before it became uncomfortably apparent he wasn’t just imagining the aching starting to get worse. Which led him to reluctantly using his foot to nudge the plug out to allow the water to drain and reaching out to knock his hand against Bruce’s shoulder.

“Done already?” Bruce asked easily, glancing over his shoulder halfway.

“Morphine is wearing off,” Danny admitted with a grimace, resting against the side of the tub.

“Ah,” Bruce nodded in unfortunate complete understanding, turning his phone screen off and tucking it into his pocket while grabbing the towel and soft robe to hand to Danny. “Let me know if you need help.”

Danny hummed once again to acknowledge what was said, but stubbornly took care of at least getting the bathrobe on himself on his own once the water had drained. Unfortunately he had to ask for help to get out of the tub, still too weak to lift himself up or stand. But Bruce didn’t react differently towards this than if Danny had simply asked for help opening a jar or something. It was nice.

Alfred had already brought a pair of soft pajama pants and fluffy socks when he’d returned to change the bedding as well. And once Danny was dressed Bruce had carried him back to the edge of the bed where Leslie could double check that the bandages had worked, get the IV reattached and another dose of morphine going. He found he was so worn out from the simple task, but also found that once the morphine did its job taking away the aches and pain he did feel a lot better than before. Enough that Duke pausing in the doorway while returning home from school didn’t make him feel too wary.

“Oh- First post injury bath?” Duke asked, pointing a finger at Danny as he noticed the bathrobe on the bed and Danny’s still damp hair. When Bruce nodded, Duke grinned. “Nice! Those always feel amazing somehow. You should take him to the couch next.”

“The couch?” Danny couldn’t help asking. Was it just the family room couch or something different?

“In the study. It’s quiet in there, and being stuck in bed sucks,” Duke explained. “I bet he was actually already planning on taking you there. After living here I came to find out Bruce is actually really good at helping people feel better. Even though he’s not perfect, no one is, he still makes a nice dad-”

“Duke,” Bruce interrupted, a slight scowl hiding his embarrassment. “Make sure you have enough time to finish your homework before patrol.”

Other people may have been put off by the glower, but Duke just laughed. “Sure sure. I’ll meet you in the study?”

It took Danny a moment to realize Duke was talking to him, and couldn’t keep his shoulders from drooping. He didn’t really want to entertain people yet, he was already feeling physically drained on top of emotionally.

Surprisingly Duke picked up on the mood easily. “I’ll keep quiet. Promise. But trust me when I say it’s really nice,” he offered, easily picking up Danny’s anti-social vibes.

“...Sure. We can try,” Danny accepted, figuring he could at least attempt the idea since Duke didn’t seem to want to spend the time talking.

It was just a few more minutes for Leslie to finish giving him another routine checkup and add an anti nausea patch behind his ear before allowing Bruce to pick him up again. Danny inevitably felt tiny as Bruce was able to carry him with just one arm, leaving the other free to bring the IV pole with them. But he found he didn’t mind. It had only been two days of him being awake in that bedroom, but Danny found getting to leave the room was nice. The study was quite a ways down the hall, and when they reached it Alfred was already there.

“I’ve provided the usual snacks for Master Duke and Master Damian. There’s also a thermos of warm broth that Dr. Thompkins has approved for Master Danny to try if he’s up for it. I will continue to keep the rest of the children occupied until supper,” Alfred informed, bringing their attention to the mentioned food on the low table in front of the very plush couch.

“Thank you Alfred,” Bruce responded simply, heading further in the room to get settled.

There was a fire crackling gently in the fireplace, keeping the room pleasantly warm despite the autumn chill outside. There was already a slight frost on the windows, but the glass was the only thing that reflected that cold. All the colors of the room were warm, and the faux fur blanket Bruce grabbed to help bundle Danny up in only increased the cozy feeling the room had. It was quiet, as Duke had said, and comfortable. Even when Duke and Damian joined them to work on their homework they rarely spoke. And when they did it was in low voices, and to each other about their homework or school day.

Danny had accepted being brought there with the thought that he’d have to end up asking to go back to the bedroom later. But after having spent some time quietly looking around the room his gaze had settled on watching the fire. And slowly the crackle of the wood, soft scratch of pens and pencils, rustling of paper and quiet taps of technology muddled into a soft haze. Eventually Danny’s eyes drooped closed as the soft sounds and comforting warmth became a lullaby coaxing him to sleep. 

Duke was right. The couch was pretty nice.

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This entire chapter was unplanned X'DD but I ain't complaining.

Bruce was as hard to draw as Dick was 8 | my art style is too cute coded for these rugged american comic characters.

Also I am extremely distracted translating a manga that not available in english just so I can know the story |D updates might be a little slower.

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Tag list: @galaxy-sharks-and-bottled-ships, @starscreamlover, @nerdynonnativenarnian, @dragongoblet, @megacharizardx99

@bellathecatastrophe, @cj-ghostemoji-destielpie, @asexual-insomniac, @wolfeyedwitch, @tkiesai, 

@fanaroff, @raven1508, @nebulainajar, @serasvictoria02, @oliocelottafanfics,

@honeysuckletook, @omniithe-deer, @wolf-under-the-stars, @gingernutcalo, @that-random-fangirl,

@op-sys-chaos, @kirasigncomics, @ehobep, @paranoid-ira

[absolutebl]

Could you recommend me 1-2 good "standard" bl from each of the main bl producing countries (China, Japan, Taiwan, Thailand and South Korea)? I'm interested in the differences in tropes and execution between bl from different countries, especially Taiwan and Thailand. I'm looking for bl that's highly rated because it's well-executed but doesn't stray from the expected formula for its region.

Great BLs that ALSO rep for their country's style

I really took the "represent" part seriously. Here are my (end of 2024) quick pulls, explanations etc in the linked posts at the bottom.

Japan

Seven Days (or I Cannot Reach You)

Old Fashion Cupcake

For the darker stuff: Tokyo in April is

Korea

Semantic Error

To My Star

For their new style of darker stuff: The 8th Sense or Love for Love's Sake

Thailand

These were absolutely the hardest to pick, so I couldn't stick to 2. There's just so much Thai BL.

My School President - best high school rep (heritage = Love of Siam, Love Sick, the true Thai BL beginnings)

Bad Buddy - best uni BL rep (heritage = 2gether, SOTUS, the beginning of Thai BL global dominance) alternative = Oxygen which is possibly the most classic Thai uni BL we have ever gotten (but Bad Buddy is better acted)

We Are - best GMMTV ensemble piece, heritage is actually also Love Sick, but in 2024 everyone is gay.

Lovely Writer - best meta

My Ride - best pulp

The Sign - best wild what-the-actual-fuck? ride (KinnPorshe also an option)

For an example of the few times Thailand got elevated: I Feel You Linger in the Air or A Tale of Thousand Stars. But these are atypical, we only get a few of them a year from Thailand.

Taiwan

These were the easiest to pick.

We Best Love

Be Loved In House: I Do

But actually: History 4: Make Our Day's Count will tell you everything you ever needed to know about Taiwanese BL in one mess of a show. It's just... not that great.

China

Addicted

Word of Honor

The Philippines

Gameboys

My Day

Vietnam

Mr Cinderella

My Lascivious Boss

But by most standards neither of these are actually very good.

Here's a 2022 post where I talk about the differences between country's styles and approaches.

If you want representative samples from a historical perspective than I do that here:

In that post, you'll need to decide what kind of representation you want to consume though, because some are very old, and others newer, since this is set up to learn about the evolution of the genre.

I also wrote a whole series on the history of the genre along with my top 10 picks at the time (2022). It's old now but still holds up for what you want. I would say pick any two from the top ten of each list, but please understand my personal taste leans toward the lighter fluffier fare. (Which means my top ten from places like Japan is very skewed. Also several countries have added new top 10, for me personally, in 2023 & 2024).

Here's a fun one on the tropes people love in the different countries

And a personal favorite, very silly and not helpful at all.

(source)

[willowser]

part one here :)

your father accepts takami's proposal the spring after you turn 21.

keigo has enough sympathy to push the process back, after touya's death. despite not knowing what you were sharing in letters, the plans you were making, he has enough respect to give you the time to heal. he's a good man and you do feel lucky to have him, out of all the suitors your father was speaking to, and you think you could love him, with time.

further up north, into the mountains, he has a piece of land and a cabin, a bunch of horses, and one evening he tells you he can't wait to take you there. let you see what else is out in the world, the beauty that you're missing in your small town. you think you might like that; all you see in the street, in your dreams and dark doorways, is touya's ghost.

an outlaw gang begins to pick up speed out to the east. at first you hear very little of it, don't know all the details of their crimes, but the more inland they move, the bloodier their trail becomes. keigo gets pulled into the investigation as they ride across the country and he's gone frequently, which has been another reason for his delayed proposal, and on the nights that you can't sleep, he tells you not to worry. the league, as they've been nicknamed, is only killing off men in the army. soldiers, in their sleep or late at night as they trail home from taverns.

it doesn't settle any of your nerves. if anything, it makes you sicker. you can't help but to remember the things touya told you in his letters, how angry he was at what the men around him had become. the seed he planted flourishes in the wake of bloodshed; vengefully, you think these men deserved it, after all the harm they've done, what they took from you. on nights when the melancholia hits the hardest, you're relieved, even, at the justice—and that has your stomach souring every time takami smiles at you.

the day of the wedding comes suddenly, despite all the waiting you and keigo and your families have had to do. you're to marry in a small church, white and paint-chipped; a final resting place to your lost love. you say goodbye to touya then, as you take in the image of your own reflection, the woman grief has made you. the woman you'll have to be from then on.

keigo's a good man, deserving of a good wife, and he is here and warm and alive—and you want to give him a fair chance.

the organ plays outside your small dressing room, your signal to come out. your dad should be waiting on the other side of the door to walk you down to where keigo waits for you. one last time, you close your eyes and imagine someone else at the end of the aisle—a bright-eyed young man that that you've loved as long as you can remember—

and then you let him go.

but when you open the door, expecting to see the face of your father, you are met with the looming figure of a dark man; dark cowboy hat, dark jacket, dark bandana pulled up just under his eyes. the organ plays on, unaffected, and the man—the bandit—simply puts one finger to his lips, silencing you.

"c'mon now, girl," he rasps, creeping in closer and closer, a hand raised to grab you up. "don't wanna be late for the wedding, now do we?"

you ride for days with a sack over your head, hands and ankles chained.

just by the sound of their voices, you count at least four of them, one being the woman—girl, she sounds like—that helps you out to the shade when you need to relieve yourself. the names are used infrequently enough that you can't attach them to the visions you've painted in your mind, of what they must look like.

the only one you know for certain is dabi, and that's the name of the man you ride with.

he and another snappy young fellow help to haul you up onto the horse every morning, and the son-of-a-bitch pulls you flush against his chest, arms around your waist as he takes the reins. you hear his smile, how it poisons his voice when he presses into the burlap, asking, "comfortable, girl?"

you refuse to answer, refuse to speak if you don't have to. it's a good thing they keep the sack over your head, you think, because if you could see him, you'd spit.

it feels like an eternity that you're with them, but time passes differently when you're a prisoner, when you can only feel the heat of the sun and not its shine on your skin. you've no idea what they want with you or why they've taken you; you're given your own tent—that you can tell, trapped in the dark as you are. there is no breath echoing beside yours, no warmth to be found. only the low glow of a campfire, and the muffled voices murmuring around it.

everything changes when you give in. when you decide to speak.

you've already been pushed into your tent for the night, but you can hear the sound of vibrant laughter echoing outside against the night, and you think of your only hope: the girl.

"i need to go!" you call, heart thrumming as the voices die down. "i need to go, i said!"

the tent flap opens audibly and you flinch on instinct, fear bubbling in your veins. you'd been expecting the worst after first being taken, but you haven't been touched more than necessary—more than dabi deems necessary. rough as his hands have been, they haven't violated you. yet.

you're grabbed by the arm and lead out, marched down until the cold settles in and the fire is long behind you. and then you turn on her.

"please," you gasp, clutching her hands in your own. "let me go. i've got nothing for you, no purpose, but m-my husband would pay handsomely if—"

"husband?"

a chill run downs your spine at the sound of his voice, the anger lacing his words. when you try to pull away, his grip tightens, keeping you rooted as he inhales deeply, and then your feet are skidding in the dirt as he pulls you against him.

"no, no, no," he murmurs, low and raw. "ain't been no wedding yet. made sure of that."

the acknowledgment at what he's done—the pride—lights a fire under your ass. you think of keigo, standing in the church, alone. waiting as the organ played on. how long did it take for his heart to break? for them to realize you weren't coming? surely he would have sent someone after—right?

"you sure did," you seethe, angry tears building beneath your burlap. "you whoreson dog! lemme go!"

try as you might, squirming in his hold does nothing, not even when you get one hand loose and beat it against the expanse of his chest.

"get off!"

the bag is ripped off your head so quickly that it's disorienting, black spots dotting your vision as you try to blink the world into clarity. you cry out from the shock of it all, the light of the moon in your eyes, and then you're being spun around to face the vast, empty valley ahead of you. the canyons that swallow the landscape in the distance, the mountains that bar you from the only world you've ever known.

you're out in the middle of nowhere, far from civilization.

even if keigo has sent someone in search of you—who knows how soon they'll find you. if they will at all.

you try to turn your face from the disheartening sight, chest feeling hollow and pinched, but dabi grabs your chin in his hand and forces you to look.

"no, no," he repeats, "i asked for y'first and i ain't waiting another fuckin' minute."

a shrill scream rips through the night when he turns you around, hands going from your arms to cup your cheeks, digging into the sides of your neck. this is it, you think, what you've been dreading all along, the assault you knew would come from a son-of-a-bitch like him.

"look at me, girl," he growls, shaking you when your eyes squeeze shut in stubborn defiance. "i said, look at me, damn it!"

tears blur your vision, but you blink through them anyway, their searing heat. he nearly blends into the night, dark as he is, but his eyes are wide, blue, and his face is washed pale in the moonlight and—

and you gasp, hard enough that your heart wracks, that your knees buckle, but his hands never stray from your face, thumbs brushing softly over your cheekbones.

"touya?"

[gaviicreates]

Journeys in Amigurumi (Bingo Roll 1)

Spoiler: This was a challenge!

For my first roll of the bingo card, I got "make an amigurumi" - and as someone who is most comfortable with flat 2D projects with little sewing, I knew this one would really be taking me out of my comfort zone. I'm not happy when I have to sew, and I am incredibly not happy when I have to attempt embroidery.

I may not do a full blog post for each bingo roll, but as this is so completely new to me and a large part of this bingo is the journey, here we go!

For full disclosure, I've made ONE amigurumi project before this, and I haven't picked up the technique once since. So before we dive in - have a quick picture of where I started 12 years ago.

I had to dig some really old photo archives for this one.

This lil' guy was made to be a warbler for my fandom at the time. I am sure he was based off a pattern, but it's unlikely I'll be able to find it now. I also don't think I know where this lil birb is anymore; he's gotten lost in the shuffle of moving a few times since.

Step 1: Research

Research - Before even choosing a pattern to begin this challenge, I wanted to first understand more about amigurumi, so I took to Youtube, which is my usual place to learn all things.

For my intro to amigurumi, I started with a few channels:

LePetitSaint Crochet, especially this Amigurumi fundamentals playlist; olliehollycrochet, especially this beginner tutorial video; For inspiration, I've also found Skein Spider

There are quite a few amigurumi channels out there - these are just a few that I enjoyed across my youtube dashboard.

The next step of research was finding a pattern, and I feel as though this is the part of the rabbit hole I am going to ADORE continuing to explore.

Step 2: Practice

Before I started "the" project, I wanted to first get a sense of the tension and play around with a project. Just something small. In effort to avoid buying more materials, I took to stash busting some of my scrap cotton. For the test piece, I found the pattern Octobuddy by the blog, Sweet Softies.

As someone with already pretty tight tension, working with a smaller hook took some getting used to, but I liked the way this pattern was written - he's an adorable little Octopus, but it also helped me get used to the shaping and stuffing process. I used household cotton balls since poly-fil isn't the type of thing I just have on hand. I did end up buying some for the final project.

This was a good exercise for me, as I started to feel comfortable with the actual crochet and using a tighter gauge. As I was sewing the eyes, I ended up pulling the cotton up or not being able to push the needle through. He was a bit overstuffed, or maybe I tried to assemble out of order, or maybe it's just my lack of sewing experience striking again.

Beyond that, the hardest part was in fact the the embroidery of the eyes, and his are quite... something. I was not originally going for the wink, but as the two sides became less uniform, I decided to lean into it. They still turned out pretty shoddy, and I can NOT stand doing this. I told myself never again, but for another spoiler... I did it again.

My Octobuddy might still be a bit overstuffed, but he's super squishy and relaxing to squeeze, just like a stress ball, the perfect size for my palm. So he's been hanging with me at my work desk.

Step 3: Do the thing

I won't say I was ready for the next thing, per se, but I also wasn't getting anywhere just looking at the cool things that could be made with this technique. So why not jump right in?

For my actual pattern selection, I chose "Hubble" by Projectarian, available on ravelry. I love me an aquatic creature, and it called to me that not only was this pattern free, it also came with a beginner friendly pdf, quick reference, and an entire selection of written tips for the new-to-amigurumi crafter.

Squid time!

Again, I wanted to use up scraps, so my first challenge with this pattern was adjusting it for the yarn weight I had on hand to use. As a result, the eyes were made with a way too tight tension. The pattern called for some crochet for the sleeping pupil lines, but there was no way I was going to get my hook in there. For the second time, I took up a sewing needle and attempted embroidery. This time turned out a bit better than the Octopus. I adore how soft he looks with the brown cotton yarn I decided to use when I couldn't find black.

At some point in attaching the legs and tentacles, I did lose track of where I was - but that was on me since I got lazy with the stitch markers. It was so close to the end, I was able to wing it to decrease the final row and stitch up the center. Before then, I added a bit more poly-fil.

I chose not to add pom-poms at the end of the legs for the same reason as I didn't add tassels to the blanket I made. Being a mom of three dogs makes you super aware of the types of things the furbabies will get into. You should've seen their faces when I brought home the poly-fil.

But I'm ranting away and you haven't even seen him yet!!

Step 4: Finished Object!

Body: Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Rosewood, 3.5mm Eyes: Hobbii Rainbow Glitter Gold 8/4 - Natural White, Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Light Brown, 2.00mm Legs and Tentacles: Hobbii Rainbow Cotton 8/4 - Rosewood, 3.25mm Pattern: Hubble the Squid by Projectarian I call him Hubblet since I made him so small. Sleeeepy squid baby.

Make an Amigurumi✔️

[askthepsychic]

As Rey trances in her usual place, she can’t help but feel like someone is trying to reach her. Finally she hears in her mind “can you hear me? Please, help! I don’t have much time before this one chance leaves forever!”

Rey’s brow furrows as she responds “I hear you. Where are you? Who are you?”

The voice, feminine, strong and regal, responds “my location is unclear to me. I am imprisoned in a cage with no view of the outside world. My bindings are impossible for me to break myself. As for my identity, I intend to share a memory with you to help you know my prison so you can find it more easily. Will you walk through memory with me?”

Rey nods. “Let’s do it. I’ll pay close attention for any clues I can use to locate you.”

The voice says “thank you! We’ll start now. I will show you the events of the day leading up to the moment of my imprisonment.”

Rey’s perception quickly changes to a chamber. Looking around, it appears to be a potions lab. Then she feels a presence beside her and turns to look upon a unicorn mare who is staring at a cauldron prepared for crafting a new potion.

The unicorn she beholds is the very definition of regal, from her garments to the crown upon her head to her own appearance. And when she speaks, it leaves no doubt. This unicorn is the one she was just speaking to.

“I hope he gets back soon. The sooner I get started on this the better.”

A short moment later, Rey turns as she hears someone coming towards the room. She almost thinks that she’s looking at a child version of Spike for a moment before noticing that there are differences between Spike and the dragon before her now. The unicorn turns and smiles. “Good. Welcome back, Spike. Did you collect everything I needed?”

The dragon nods. “Sure did, Majesty. Got the ingredients and a vessel for once everything’s put together.” He says, setting various items that he takes from a pouch he’s wearing on a table.

Majesty, the unicorn, nods. “Excellent. In that case, I shall begin.” She says, turning back to the cauldron as a multitude of items including those that Spike left on the table begin levitating around her. “We’ll start simple. Hair of an earth pony, donated by Magic Star.” A single hair is dropped into the cauldron. “Pegasus feather, from Firefly.” A pink feather is added. “Unicorn horn shavings, courtesy of myself.” Another addition to the potion is made.

“Don’t forget a dragon scale.” Spike says, picking one from his arm and flicking it into the potion.

Majesty smiles. “Indeed. Thank you, Spike. Next, bubbles of a seapony. Wing scales of a flutterpony.” The list goes on and on, going from parts of various species to magical plants. “Finally, one of the hardest things to come by. Claw of a draconequus. A gift from Discord himself.”

Spike sighs. “Is he really the last one?”

Majesty nods “at this time, yes. Though he has told me there are ways he could change that. One of his favorite potential methods involves transmogrifying chicken eggs.”

Spike chuckles. “Why am I not surprised?”

Majesty chuckles, then turns to look at a couple sets of ingredients she has not touched yet. “Naturally magical portents are covered. Now for magical processes.” She levitates a piece of lead with a few odds and ends above the cauldron. “Alchemy. In the form of its most powerful process. Transforming lead into gold.” The other items begin to spiral around the lead as it starts to glow. When the glow has grown to encompass the whole group of items, Majesty releases her levitation magic, letting the mid transformation set fall into the potion, which flashes a rainbow luminescence. Majesty smiles, then takes a vial half filled with water along with a few plants and drops the plants into the vial. She begins shaking the vial with her magic acting as a cap. “A potion. Mid creation. It doesn’t matter what kind. What matters is that it is what it is.” She drops the vial into the cauldron, causing another flash. “A half cast spell.” Her horn glows as the potion flashes again. Again, she names several magical processes, each one empowering whatever is being formed in the cauldron. Finally she sighs. “There. Magical processes are covered.”

Spike scratches his neck and says “now for the really hard stuff?”

Majesty nods. “That’s right, Spike. It’s time to involve the forms of magic that govern our world. The branches of magic. I shall start with the one that comes easiest to me. The magic of Life.” She waves her hoof and a blossom materializes from nothing before dropping into the cauldron. “Next, the magic of Time.” A sphere of green light appears above the cauldron as Majesty concentrates, seeming to be made up of a multitude of clock faces.

Spike tilts his head “I still wonder about the clock look of time magic.”

Majesty, still concentrating says “I’ve told you Spike, Time doesn’t actually look like anything. The reason you see faces of clocks is because it’s a simple appearance of something that you see every day. Your mind substitutes it for Time’s true appearance because you want it to look like something. And you associate clocks with time because you use them to tell time.” With that, the sphere of temporal magic drops into the cauldron.

Spike nods “right. Sorry, I keep forgetting.”

This statement seems to strike a nerve with Majesty, evidenced by her flinching when hearing him say that.

Spike grimaces before saying “oops. Sorry again.”

Majesty sighs, then continues the process of whatever she’s doing. She adds a valentine infused with pure Love magic, a libra as a symbol of Harmony magic, and empties a jar of liquid Chaos magic into the cauldron. Then she sighs, stepping back a bit. “That’s all the easy stuff done. Now for the really hard part.”

Spike nods. “The last ingredient. The forbidden branch of magic.”

Majesty nods. “A true version can only manifest one way. Stand back, Spike.” Once Spike has complied, Majesty sighs, then begins straining as her body begins to emit tendrils of black colored magic in pulses. “COME ON! ANGER! HATRED! RAGE! FILL ME WITH THE DARKEST POWER!” But though she commands, and though she sweats from the effort, the magic she is now trying to use will not respond. Finally, with one last great effort, her strength gives out and she falls onto her side, Spike running over as the dark magic fully dissipates.

“Majesty! Are you alright?”

Majesty coughs a couple times before saying “don’t be ridiculous. Of course I am. I’ve already recovered. But… my heart breaks at this failure. My grand creation can’t be completed by me.”

Spike looks at the cauldron. “Can it work the way it is now?”

Majesty shakes her head. “No. Though all the ingredients were essential to give it power and invulnerability, the last ingredient, magic of the branch of Rage, was the one that would make it fierce. Without that dark magic being a part of it, it will be a docile, timid thing. Not suitable for its intended purpose at all. Without the final ingredient, my Rainbow of Light will be no help to my children.”

Rey blinks, reaching up to the locket she now wears. It’s further confirmed when, after being asked by Majesty, Spike takes that self same locket out of his pouch and scoops what’s in the cauldron into it. (I just witnessed the birth of the Rainbow of Light. But she couldn’t complete it? Megan and everyone else had such confidence in its power. I wonder how it was eventually completed.)

Spike sighs “if it can’t help them, what’ll we do? You said that there’s only one path for you to walk now, right?”

Majesty nods “that’s correct, Spike. My personal timeline is nearing a set moment. An event that I would only be able to avoid through the corruption and possibly destruction of the flow of time in this dimension. I am not willing to bring such atrocities into being, so I must go to meet my fate. Still, I still have a few choices left to me before that moment comes. And I have just made one. If you’re still insistent on coming with me, it’s time to go.”

At this, Spike gets a determined look on his face and says “I’ve told you, Majesty, my mind is made up. I’m not letting you go to face your doom alone. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to have someone with you to comfort you in these last free moments.”

Majesty sighs “and I have told you, Spike, that I am grateful you care so much for me. But have I not also told you the results? If you come with me to my doom, all that you are and all that you have been will be lost, possibly beyond any hope of recall. Your current identity will be stripped away, leaving behind only a name and your natural inclinations.”

Spike looks down. “I know. I understand. But I’m not changing my mind. So, where are we going first?”

Majesty sighs, then turns to the door and begins moving, Spike following. “The Rainbow is my children’s key to salvation, regardless of the weak state it’s in right now. We must make sure it is kept safe until the appropriate moment. To that end, we will entrust it to one who will be able to deliver it into its keeper’s hands when the time comes.”

Spike nods. After a short journey, Rey notes that he seems to be bemused as he realizes where they’re going. “Really Majesty?”

Majesty nods “he may be absent minded at times, but only because I created him with a particular purpose. I’ve never told you exactly why I made him the way he is, have I? I doubt anyone has yet told you that humanoids: humans, elves, gnomes and other such beings, are actually visitors to this space time. They came here from somewhere else and lost their way back. The Moochiks grand purpose is to discover what they have forgotten. They love our world, but they miss their homes. So I created the Moochik to help them find their way back.”

Spike nods. “I see. You’re right, I never knew they weren’t native. So the reason he seems absent minded is because he’s constantly focused mainly on that?” At Majesty’s nod, Spike smiles. “I just gained a new appreciation for his oddities.”

A moment later the group is approaching a hut surrounded by enormous mushrooms. Majesty looks around before calling out “Moochik, we’re here on an urgent matter. Please appear to us.”

What appears in response to this is what looks like a very small very old human, though with pointed ears sticking up from his hat and a rather large nose. His size is such that Rey would tower over him if they both stood upon the ground. She can’t help but question if he would even be as tall as her thighs. “Majesty. It is good to see you, but unless I am mistaken you are stopping by on your way to your fated confrontation with him.”

Majesty nods “that is correct, Moochik. Spike, present it to him please.”

Spike nods, striding forward and holding the locket out to the Moochik. The Moochik takes the locket and holds it up to inspect it. “Hmm. I detect powerful magic held within. Might this be the end result of the project we previously spoke of, Majesty?”

Majesty nods. “At least as nearly as I was capable of. My fear was realized. I was unable to add the final ingredient. Still, I foresee that it will be the primary defense for my children for a time. That vision hasn’t changed. It must be completed by someone else after I’m imprisoned.”

The Moochik nods “the most logical explanation. Hmm. But why would you bring this to me? With how my thoughts are focused, I’m likely to forget I have it.”

Majesty smiles and says “true, but that’s the very reason I left you an assistant, isn’t it?”

The Moochik snaps his fingers “of course. Habit! Come here, Habit!” After a brief moment, a brown bunny comes running up on two legs. He wears a pair of red overalls with one strap hanging loose. Rey can tell just from looking that this particular bunny could likely speak if he tried. He stops in front of the Moochik, who promptly passes the locket to him “Majesty needs us to keep this safe for the time being. And I’m sure she’ll have particular instructions for you as well.”

Habit nods, pocketing the locket as he steps over to stand in front of Majesty. Majesty nods, then leans down and whispers in his ear, Habit nodding intermittently. Finally, Majesty stands tall again and says “think you can remember all that, Habit? It’s very important.” Habit nods, giving her a salute before a crash of thunder startles them all. After they’ve recovered, they all look in a particular direction.

The Moochik looks at Majesty “he’s expecting you. And I’d also wager that he’s getting impatient.”

Majesty nods, then looks at Spike “Spike. I know it’s likely futile, but I offer you the chance to go back one last time. If you continue to journey with me now, your fate, like mine, will be sealed.”

Spike crosses his arms. “You’re right, Majesty. It is futile. I haven’t doubted my decision once. I’m going with you.”

Majesty sighs, nodding “very well. We must be on our way then. Moochik. Habit. Thank you for all you have done and all you will do for my children. Farewell.”

The Moochik and Habit salute together as Majesty and Spike leave.

[wolftheidioticfan]

And I don't even know what kind of things I've said My mouth kept moving, and my mind went dead So, I'm picking up the pieces now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again

[larrythecat]

Waiting for the end to come Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned It's out of my control Flying at the speed of light Thoughts were spinning in my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last I wish it wasn't so I know what it takes to move on I know how it feels to lie All I wanna do is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got What was left when that fire was gone? I thought it felt right but that right was wrong All caught up in the eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And I don't even know what kind of things I said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again

[sexy-opium-ravioli]

Rainy Day

Hello hello! First time I've put something out in a while, but here you go! Some Lizard Man and Gyoza Girl friendship :) Fandom is Dorohedoro and characters listed are Kaiman, Nikaido and Vaux (mentioned)

No real warnings, platonic friendship, fic under the cut

--

Kaiman’s dreams, as he understood them, were frightening. But in a way he could also accept that they were progress, maybe even prophetic at times. That’s what dreams were sometimes, right? They were the culmination of a brain trying its very hardest to make all the pieces to fit together, and his brain? Not many pieces to begin with. 

The rain poured for three days now- Nikaido must’ve been feeling horrible. He’d visit when he’d stop feeling like death himself. 

Even when the man would wake up, sit and rub his scaly head, the dreams lingered behind the backdrop of his eyelids whenever he closed them, swirls of magenta and lime green churning beneath like an underlayer of cold, deep water. A chaotic mix of sentences and words almost familiar to him would ring in his ears like little bells, chimes leading the lamb back to the shepherd. Who was his guide?

No one, it seems. If the hole were a dark maze (which is almost absolutely was in every sense), then he and Nikaido were blind, grasping for any tactile sign that would guide their way. But for now, they feel no such thing.

His dreams still swirled in between his ears like a dark current, too swift to reach down and strike the gold beneath. But still, he could see it, twinkling at him in mockery at something so close but impossible to even touch. 

Kaiman sighed, rubbed his scaly head with his calloused hands, and started dressing himself. The wind picked up with the rain, now, it was starting to rattle the thin glass of his window. As he finished putting a shirt on (Nikaido’s shirt, which he now permanently stretched out), he saw that the streets were beginning to flood. With the streams the water rushing down the street, trash floated and spun while threads of black soot densely settled on the bottom, its own riverbank. 

The lizard man decided that it would be nice to walk in the rain. Even though he hated it for causing his friend a pain he could not understand, he still liked how it smelled and how it felt on his skin. Magic did not affect him, it did nothing but cool him off. The plastic leather of his ribcage jacket always sounded so nice in the rhythm of the droplets hitting him. 

The rain always led to a nicer walk through the hole, if such a thing could happen. The usual vagrants that he and Nikaido constantly had to slice through would scurry away and hide, seeking shelter in dark corners and the shade big gray buildings could provide. A couple days ago, Kaiman spotted some when he was working at the emergency ward. They were always the ones that ended up in the ward anyways, but Kaiman didn’t work for a wider cause. He worked for answers, a potential means to his end. He was getting through to the deep gold under the swift current, but it feels like he’s still just searching for flecks of his brain through the dusty concrete of where his body was found. 

And then suddenly, as if his feet were not his own and his body was attached to a string, he was led to the alleyway. He looked at it, and felt himself reminisce. Hope and disgust and dread and sadness were imbued in the concrete now, and sometimes Kaiman could see some sort of- spirit. All the manifestations turning into the rainy soot and evil that this hall had for his life. 

He moved onto the Hungry Bug. There was a part of Kaiman that was hoping it wasn’t closed, that Nikaido could be feeling okay and not sick and cheery like she usually was. He always hated where he was when it came to situations like that, he would knock on her door and not know what to say. 

Guess it was another one of those days, because the Bug was closed and the shutters locked tight over the building, almost looking like it was curling in on itself through a fitful slumber. Everything was dark, for Kaiman’s beacon remained unlit. He tried to keep his disappointment at a manageable level, but then his stomach reminded him of the most worldly suffering- hunger. And how he associated his best friend with the smell of hot frying oil and the sound of quiet, weird music streaming through her restaurant's walls like a perfume. 

Her presence always made things weird and funky, but Kaiman loved Nikaido for that. 

Eventually, sulking his way through the rain, the lizard man got to the back entrance of the Hungry Bug that led to Nikaido’s apartment above. It was a common dance; walk up the stairs, knock at her door and call her name, and find a box full of ohba gyoza with a note on top. 

And guess what happened this time? Exactly that. 

He sighed at the box when he picked it up, a twist of sadness curling up his spine when he realized how much Nikaido cared for him, and at the same time, what she expected of him at this point. 

[Kaiman, 

Some ohba gyoza for your lunch.]

[Nikaido]

He thanked her through the door, went back down the stairs, and ventured back out into the pouring rain of the hole. 

Kaiman arrived at work early, and started his shift by insulting Vaux and laughing when he got pissed. 

[personanongrata-1]

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on

(Oh) I know how it feels to lie

(Oh) all I wanna do is trade this life for something new

(Oh) holding on to what I haven't got

Yo, yo

What was left when that fire was gone?

I thought it felt right, but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I've said

My mouth kept moving, and my mind went dead

So, I'm picking up the pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

[dontyoufinditstrange]

The Hardest Part Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

Noah (Stand Still):

"when i turned twenty, i was overcome with the thought that i might not turn twenty-one" "there'd be nothing left of me except these songs" "when you don't know where you're going just stand still, soon enough you will" "and when all the hopes and joy you feel turn into paranoia, cause it will, remember just stand still." "life's not over but i'm feeling twice the pain" "i'm not better, but i'm not quite the same" "it keeps coming so i keep counting the days" "it don't get easier just harder yes it will, remember just stand still" "just stand still and watch the sunset bleed with only dirt under your feet to feel" "sixty-seven thousand miles an hour around the sun and that is how it feels" "in a universe that's infinite yet everything gets lost in it" "you'll be right, you'll be wrong, you'll be fine cause life goes on and on"

Ready To Go:

"is it what i deserve for spending the last of my love on someone i knew that i'd always lose?" "its inevitable and we both know that we're on borrowed time" "how fast and far it flies" "there's too many memories getting the best of me" "i loved you first but you'll be the first to leave"

Mr. Percocet:

"my heart gets pulled into pieces whenever you're poured up" "you are malevolent and benevolent" "you are the devil that i revel in" "you're only kind when you're all fucked up" "you're only mine til your high is gone" "i wish you'd still love me when your drugs wear off in the morning" "you want someone to worship the worst of your mistakes"

Every Beginning Ends:

"someone's at fault but i'm not blaming you" "you have to wake up every morning and choose to love someone but i'm finding that harder the more that i'm falling out of love with you" "every beginning has ended with you"

Hardest Part:

"the hardest part of going home is facing that you're getting older and everything you've ever known is over" "cause its been so long and the day's soon gone" "all the paths are overgrown" "the sun is down its getting colder" "in your eyes i see the fire that so long ago was burning" "through our smiles we try to hide it, all the years that we've been hurting" "we don't get too long that's why i'm holding on"

I Just Want A Lover:

"i can't believe i didn't see a mistake is just a state of my identity" "i believed that i would never ever get it right" "the twisting of the knife, the bend until the break and then it all goes wrong" "a kiss and i go blind, can't see its just my fate" "its unlivable" "i just want a lover who's in love with me, not another liar making love to me" "i'm sick of hoping, tired of waiting" "i pick my conscience over clarity and deal with the disparity its anarchy" "and the narcissists all run at me with guns ablaze no empathy, insanity"

Unfinished:

"afraid of love and afraid of change" "fell into you like a leap of faith" "i guess i met you at the wrong time" "now i've got you on my mind and i'm wondering tonight if it could've been more but we were left unfinished" "that one night was beautiful, streets were cold, but we were warm" "i've got a slideshow inside my head of might've-dones and could've-beens" "if its a purely hypothetical love, tell me why i gotta miss it so much?" "all i've got is a memory, its a masterpiece, but its incomplete" "i just fill in the empty space with a dream of what we'd be if i had stayed"

My Side Of The Bed:

"i know you want space. its not what you said, but the way that you said that you're fine" "i believe there's something missing in me" "i can't stop thinking bout how you felt hollow when i was holding you last night" "i'm just too fragile to speak" "there's something broken in me" "if you're gonna make it, you gotta be tough, but i'm not" "my heart's paper thin and the softest of words can send me spiraling"

I Burned LA Down:

"you left a hole in my chest when you left and my heart followed you out the door" "i stood and bled in the hall, watched it all, and the mess that it left on the floor" "if i gave you less, would you want me more?" "embers in the dark can look just like shooting stars to a bitter broken heart" "i was never a part of your plan" "you can't make a god of somebody who's not even half of a half-decent man"

[robertascrive]

«This is not the end, this is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm

And though the words sound steady, something's empty within 'em

We say, yeah, with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there

'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and fear

Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strength to stand

This is not what I had planned

It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

all I wanna do is trade this life for something new

holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

all I wanna do is trade this life for something new

holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?

I thought it felt right, but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it's like moving on

And I don't even know what kind of things I've said

My mouth kept moving, and my mind went dead

So, I'm picking up the pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady, something empty's within them

We say, yeah, with fists flying up in the air

Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there

'Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we get it, forget it, let it all disappear»

[omnidicemusic]

Knocked Down

Listening to Linkin Park - Waiting for the End

"And I don't even know what kind of things I've said My mouth kept moving, and my mind went dead So, I'm picking up the pieces now where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again"

I'm getting goosebumps whenever I hear that song all over and it's on repeat, I believe in my life, I missed so many shots in redemption in writing, releasing new music. I felt like a boxer who missed the shot, the counterpunch and the punch that knocked me out, counting 1-10 Defeat sometimes makes you think of it's the ending of all sorts, to give up or give it another try? Then quickly you realized, you aged, your body seems to function less than way before. Your smile does not radiate the same happiness but darkness to your path. Overall, we all have a story to tell and that story will make or break us in reaching our dreams. for me the important thing is to seize the moment whenever the opportunity comes, the right attitude and the right principle will guide you in your ways. I looked back on why I hesistated, why I retraced my steps. Maybe I'm waiting to run and just finish the bell..... but then again, I was knocked out.....

[gemperception]

Recovering from mental abuse is a journey

I saw a tiktok that explained what’s it’s like to deal with a person who’s recovering from mental abuse. Here’s a few that I related too:

Constantly apologizing

Breakdown during small disagreements

Struggle to put their guard down

Needs a lot of reassurance

Hypersensitive to criticism

Not feeling adequate enough

Self deprecating

Self worth based on peoples perception of them

Sabotaging conflict

Then they ended the tiktok with please be patient, healing takes time. I assumed that my new partner understood my healing. I felt safe with him, but unfortunately he told me that he could no longer deal with me. Leaving me to wonder if I’m worthy of being loved during my healing journey.

I dated a narcissist for 4.5 years. I wasn’t aware of my circumstance until it felt like it was too late. Being with a narcissist meant that I was constantly manipulated and had things hid from me. He constantly lied to me about literally everything, always judged me, was not the most affectionate, was very guarded, and gaslit my feelings a lot. Again during the relationship I wasn’t fully aware of the dynamic that I was under, and it took me awhile to recognize what was really going on. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t see how dangerous he was until I tried to leave him for good.

I officially broke up with that narc and but made the mistake of being his friend. Because maybe Stockholm Syndrome? Not seeing my abuser doesn’t need to have access to me? He was really good at utilizing my empathetic nature to his behalf. So flash forward, I meet a new partner. One who seemed to be understanding and empathetic. The total opposite of what it was like to date a narc. I was transparent from the very beginning, telling him that my fears were that he would just end up being like my ex narc.

I spent a lot of time expressing myself and trying to help him better understand what I dealt with. In hopes that he wouldn’t judge me and wouldn’t take certain moments that I might have personally. My new partner reassured me constantly, telling me that he’s proud of me, learned my triggers, and overall he was down for the journey. I fell in love and finally got to a point where I began to feel safe. I thought that was okay, that I was finally enough.

Well that only lasted for a year and almost a month exactly… apparently I’m too exhausting. It hurts deeply because I truly believed that I was wrong about love. That I had a teammate during my journey to finding salvation. Now my insecurities are heightened again and the walls are going back up. I’m really trying not go back into dark space mentally, but opening up and trusting a new person after dating a narcissist is not easy. You have realize, that narcissist for the most part created a false reality for the entirety of my relationship with him. Therefore I’m constantly on edge now, I’m constantly questioning if anyones who they say they are. I have a hard time deciphering between real and fake. That narcissist screwed up my spiritual lens and just my overall perspective of a lot of things. So of course it’s exhausting to heal from, but as my partner patience is truly the key. I have to remove 5 years of trauma.

Everyday I wish that I didn’t even have experience this type of trauma and wish that I was normal. I was scared from the beginning about my trauma being a burden… just to find out it was. Now I’m having to pick up the pieces of my heart, and try my hardest to keep my faith. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to recover… I’m not sure if I ever will. But I pray for all abuse victims and I do hope that you find love and that someone is patient with you. Amen.

[starcchild]

Yeah, yeah What was left when that fire was gone? I thought it felt right, but that right was wrong All caught up in the eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And I don't even know what kind of things I said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead So, I'm picking up the pieces now, where to begin The hardest part of ending is starting again

[chesmcbadbat]

Tag dump 

[ this is not the end; this is not the beginning; just a voice like a riot; rocking every revision: about ] [ but you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm; and though the words sound steady; something empty's within ‘em: interactions ] [ fists flying up in the air; like we're holding onto something; that's invisible there: aesthetics ] [ cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear until we tell it; forget it; let it all disappear: queue ] [ waiting for the end to come; wishing i had strength to stand; this is not what i had planned; it's out of my control: musings ] [ flying at the speed of light; thoughts were spinning in my head; so many things were left unsaid: gossip ] [ it's hard to let you go; i know what it takes to move on: mentioned ] [ holding on to what i haven't got; sitting in an empty room; trying to forget the past; this was never meant to last: visage ] [ i know what it takes to move on; i know how it feels to lie; all i wanna do is trade this life for something new: headcanons ] [ holding on to what i haven't got; yeah; yeah; what was left when that fire was gone?: asks ] [ with fists flying up in the air; like we're holding onto something; that's invisible there: submit ] [ i thought it felt right but that right was wrong; all caught up in the eye of the storm: playlist ] [ and trying to figure out what it's like moving on; and i don't even know what kind of things I've said: memes ] [ my mouth kept moving and my mind went dead; so; picking up the pieces, now where to begin?: drabbles ] [ the hardest part of ending is starting again; all i wanna do is trade this life for something new: task ] [ i know how it feels to lie; all i wanna do is trade this life for something new: ooc ]