#{And it didn't happen today thanks to therapy and fatigue}

[bundlesofchaos]

thanks to any of my rp partners being patient with me.

Not that I have very many threads to reply to atm but I still appreciate it!

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in - July 26 2023 🎀

I am so exhausted right now. This heat and my job are making me worn out, but I need the 5 I need to push through these next few days. I woke up late this morning, so I didn't have much for my morning routine besides making my bed and a cup of coffee. I got off work today and have been on the verge of sleep ever since, so my night routine was also incomplete tonight. I apologize for the inconsistencies in my habits these first few days. I'm just trying to get a hang of my work days and my routines. Finding a balance is difficult but necessary right now. I got this though, I believe in myself!!

🩷 What I Ate Today:

Breakfast - One slice of toast with mashed avocado, a sprinkle of paprika, a fried egg on 5 a side of watermelon. Of course, I had my usual morning cup of coffee!

Lunch - A small serving of spaghetti with marinara, grated parmesean cheese, a small bag of grapes given to me by a friend, and one babybel cheese.

Dinner - Ten boiled chicken potstickers with some potsticker sauce and three babybel cheeses.

Other - I drank one bottle of water containing a dissolved electrolyte tablet to rehydrate while at work, and had a second cup of coffee after work

Snacks - a quesadilla on a low carb tortilla

It was not the best day for me food wise, but the exhaustion is getting me to the point where I'm trying to eat to gain some energy, but it's only working against me right now. I think I'm going to eat yogurt for lunch tomorrow since I'll get off work early due to a weekly therapy appointment.

🩷 Workout - INCOMPLETE

Today was supposed to be a fun kpop dance cardio morning but due to waking up late and the constant and persistent fatigue, that did not happen. I will get back on track tomorrow with my scheduled workout routine.

🩷 Habits I Completed Today:

I made my bed today, and that is about it for the goals I wanted to achieve. Some days are going to be harder than others, and I expect that, so I am not going to beat myself up over one bad day. I was only capable of existing today, and sometimes existing is all we need to do until the next day comes.

🩷 Song of The Day: I Am - Baby Tate ft. Flo Milli

Thos song (and a lot of water) is the only thing that got me through work today. For me this is my ultimate manifestation song. I love the lyrics the music, the meaning. This is a new daily morning song for me!

Today was a bit underwhelming, but as I said before, all I was able to do was exist today. My energy was not there. The brain fog was intense, and even as I type this, I am fighting the urge to fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a better day for me. I found two meditation videos for morning and night that I plan to incorporate, and I will continue with my journey as planned, adapting to the situations I face as they come up.

Also, my skincare came in!! I'm so excited!!!

Thank you, lovelies!!! I believe in myself and I believe in you all! Let continue on the path to our higher selves, in whatever way that is for us, and continue to be compassionate and flexible with our constantly changing circumstances!

Til next time!!!

[liu-lang]

turns out last monday was not my last therapy session

imagine my surprise when i call the office saying, "i got a text reminder that i have an appt today, memorial day, for my next appt. just wanted to confirm if this is a mistake since i know today is a holiday. my therapist transferred me but i hadn't received a new link to the appt" and the person on the phone said they would have my therapist give me a call

i see a missed call @ 11h45 from "no caller ID" so i called the office back and they said that that was her. the next call, i pick up, the woman on the other end of the phone asks if it's me but she mispronounces my full first name badly instead of just "kris" ... which i let slide bc my name looks foreign from an anglophone perspective. bc she pronounced my name so badly and used that instead of "kris" i thought this was the new therapist but actually it was the therapist i thought i had broken up with ?

so two months of treatment.....and she doesn't know my name. i could alr feel myself wanting to cry bc i thought i never had to talk to this woman again. i took a deep breath and reoriented my thinking, soothed myself and thought "okay, maybe i can use this to clear the air" - i was honest about how every time she tries to remind me "this is the diagnosis you have and it's not going to change, it's going to follow you, this is the right diagnosis" it triggered feelings from my mum who ... upon retrospect ... exhibit signs of Munchausen by proxy with me. she thanked me for sharing this with her which was also maddening bc this was not the first time i have said this, ever since she switched my diagnosis i would remind her, my reactions are informed by this medical trauma from childhood. i asked my therapist why we had to start every session this way bc it made me feel scared, unsafe, unheard and unseen.

she went on some spiel on how assessments and diagnoses are done (you know, assessments don't only happen in mental health, they happen in primary care, in a school setting, so this is totally innocuous and par for the course) - there really wasn't a point in stopping her bc i was alr aware of the obvious so i just said i understood. i was so frustrated and wanted to be genuine with how i felt, i didn't even care if this would give her more fodder to justify the diagnosis or the optics of it, i told her "i concede, i admit defeat, i accept the diagnosis, i'm not resisting anymore. i know the diagnosis stands as is, i'm tired of going in circles, i don't want to stagnate treatment by going over this anymore"

maybe that was not the most mature or kindest or most "mentally well-adjusted" thing to say but i really just felt like a kid again stuck in a doctor's office with my mum telling me "you have to tell the doctor the truth, tell them how it really is like, how bad things are so they can help you"

i told her every session we had, i've felt at a loss and confused about what we're exactly working on and she chalked it up to me being resistant to the diagnosis which is why every session we have to start with these "gentle reminders" of how her diagnosis is correct and also bc i was the one who asked her to do a really thorough assessment so she is just doing her job.

she finally did talk to my psychiatrist and she said they both came to independent findings that i fit this diagnosis...which is contrary to what my psychiatrist told me. my psychiatrist has clarified with me though i made exhibit some traits to differing degrees, 1) the symptoms i have now are a recent development and she understands other social health determinants (like financial difficulties, worrying about the job market) were impacting my mental health 2) i don't exhibit the minimum number of traits to qualify a diagnosis

in my fatigue, i made the mistake of saying 'i understand that multiple mental health professionals are in agreement' and she corrected me by emphasising these were independent findings, not an agreement. again i was too tired to fight so i know her idea is that i think she nefariously convinced my psychiatrist to come to the same conclusion as her.

i asked her, okay if diagnosis comes from observations, like what a patient says in therapy, then if a patient just didn't mention something (either not being ready to share with the provider or literally just not thinking it was worth bringing up bc they didn't perceive it as a problem), doesn't that just as easily change the diagnosis ? the therapist is just not privy to these things and can only make an assessment based on what is apparent to them. she said, she would still know bc she would see that the treatment they were doing wasn't working. so i asked, okay then conversely, if there is a misdiagnosis then the treatment could also not work ? i can't rmbr what her response was to this ... i think she just reiterated her credentials and assured me this is correct and reminded me that i shouldn't harp on the diagnosis so much, the focus is to treat the symptoms and a variety of treatments can be used for symptoms that overlap across diff diagnosis .......which makes even less sense to me since she just said she would know if a treatment wasn't working if the diagnosis was inaccurate in the first place ??

i also had to retell my entire history of when i started seeking therapy as an adult... every time i recount these life details, i can hear her typing... but idk what she is typing bc she never rmbrs anything ? she clarified that i took a break from my previous therapist for a little over a month bc i didn't think i needed individual therapy but no ?????? i told her i definitely did !! continue individual therapist and wanted very much to and saw the necessity in it and the hiatus happened bc of insurance reasons since i sought out couples therapy over the summer of 2022 and insurance dictated i had to do all my therapy under their clinic ... so that's why i had to switch individual therapists, not abandon it all together

at the end she asked if i wanted another session. last monday, i really waffled and wasn't sure but this time i was firm that no i don't want another session, i truly see that this is a bad fit. i am trying my hardest to be as open-minded as possible, i want to get better, i want the things i'm struggling with in my life to not be so difficult, i will take the diagnosis that apparently is going to haunt me forever, i can see myself attempting to work with someone else on this. the transfer will take some time which i think is a good thing... i do think i could benefit from a break of several weeks to maybe a month...however long it will take to line me up with someone new.

[linhkcao]

The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.