#{ here is a very angry luna who does not appreciate it at all lol }

[rainydayhogwartsimagines]

I think i have another request. Well i do i mean lol. It may be a little dark but the idea just came to me... y/n spending Christmas break with the Weasleys (because she is best friends with Ron or the twins?) at burrow because her family are not that pleasant to be around and treat her poorly.. y/n is self harming and no one knows til one day fred (her crush )finds out somehow some way and consoles her and they end up confessing their true feelings for each other?

I just want to say: if anyone needs to talk to someone I'm here. But if you want some sort of therapy or anything there is a app where you can talk it out called 7cupsoftea.

Suicide hotline:800-273-8255

text hotline: 741741

Love you all. You are loved, please know that.

Trigger warning: self harm, abuse

You spent a lot of time in the background. No one seemed to take notice of you, no one seemed to really notice if you were sick or not. Well. Except for Ginny. Ginny saw you. She actually noticed you and asked Fred and George, who were in your year to keep an eye out. She noticed you, talking to you from time to time and noticing you needed more friends. So who better than to go to than the boys who literally knows everyone including the portraits on the walls.

You seemed jumpy, always nearly dropping things when they appeared. But you appreciated the boys, checking on you and talking to you. George had a surprising lack of classes with you though compared to Fred. After a few... Pranks/possible murder plots? The teachers put Fred and George in only two classes together. So Fred had his with you, always sitting next to you and making sure you were good. He didn't really catch on to anything wrong. He just noticed the long sleeves and figured "so she's cold all the time". Ginny and Luna knew this wasn't the case though. They knew you, truly so. You hid the marks from your brothers and the self inflicted scars. You bared so much and they hated to see you tear yourself apart.

Ginny would always change the subject when your family came up in the great hall, Fred and George always being confused to why that happened. Fred was closer with you than George and knew something was up but didn't understand the extent of it. George could see his brother begin to slowly fall for you, him whispering funny little jokes to you making you smile or laugh. However the thing that everyone seemed to notice was the lack of light in your eyes when you showed positive emotion. You would smile, sure. But your eyes seemed dull and tired.

Fred would sometimes skip class with you, sitting under a tree and talk to you about life in general with his head in your lap. Today was one of those days, it being particularly colder but Fred was warm so you didn't mind. "Hey Y/n... What do you think about spending Christmas with us this year?" He asked. You blinked a couple of times. "Are you sure you have the room? I mean... Your family is massive Freddie." You asked. "We always have room. Plus don't you wanna spend the holidays with your fwiends?" He asked, playfully poking your cheek. You chuckled. "Okay... I'll let my parents know."

You felt a slight relief being able to leave hogwarts and it not being associated with going to your parents house. Molly greeted you with a hug and you seemed shocked to receive affection like that right off the bat. Fred noticed though, when Molly's hands slid from your shoulders to your hands you seemed to flinch ever so slightly at the touch. No one else seemed to notice so Fred kept it to himself. Ginny kept close to you, showing you things all throughout the house. Fred however soon whisked you off with George to go off and see the cooler things. The fields, the places they had to just sit and talk or the test area for a few of their pranking devices.

At night it seemed peaceful. But you had these terrible nightmares where you woke up sobbing and Ginny was always there, comforting you when you did. However tonight was just a silent wake up. Still, you didn't want to sleep in case you woke up again but louder. Ginny was still awake and she looked over. "You okay?" She asked. "Do you mind if I step out for a bit? Just need some fresh air." You asked. "Go ahead." She nodded. So you walked out, letting the cold air hit your face as you sat on the back steps of the house. You pulled back your sleeves and saw the scars, closing your eyes.

Six months clean... Yet the reminders were still there. You pulled them back down and sighed before you noticed someone sit down next to you. "Whatcha thinkin' about?" Fred asked, handing you a mug of hot cocoa. "....Do you ever just want to scream for hours to get out your emotions and be free of the weight on your chest?" You asked before taking a long sip of the cocoa. "...Not really. But we can literally just scream in a field out here if you really want?" Fred suggested.

That's exactly what you did, making sure that no one could hear you before you kicked a fence post and Fred rose a brow. "Any particular reason why you're upset?" He asked. You kept kicking it, harder and harder as you went. "Does trauma count as a reliable fucking answer?" You grunted before really kicking it hard. You were panting by the time you were done. "Y/n... Princess, what's up?" He asked. You shook your head. "I want to be happy, I should be happy. I am surrounded by people who care but I can't stop thinking about my God damn--" you kicked the post again. "Family!" You yelled. The pained expression on your face made Fred concerned. "Do you want to go home--" "That place will never be home." You said, catching your breath again. "Y/n... What's going on, what do you need?" He asked. You shook your head, your hair hiding your face so Fred couldn't see the tears, the angry tears falling. You kicked the post again, Fred finally pulling you back by your wrist making you yelp. He frowned and you looked into his eyes with this upset look. "Help me." You whimpered. He said nothing, letting go of your wrist and pulling you into a tight hug.

You told him everything. The abuse, the nightmares the inability to sleep, the crying, all of it. But you also told him you stopped hurting yourself because of Ginny and him. You stopped because you didn't want your friends to lose you in their lives because you grew attached and you didn't want to be a cause of sadness. Fred brought you back to the living room, both of you sitting on the couch and talking all night.

When Molly found you, you were asleep on Fred who was holding you close. She didn't wake you until much later but Fred was determined to have you stay at the burrow rather than go home. Christmas rolled around and Fred got you this necklace. It had a Demiguise engraved on it after he remembered you saying it was your favorite magical creature. You loved it and for the first time your friends saw you genuinely smile. Like your eyes lit up and everything. You got Fred a new broom, him smiling like crazy telling you that one day he was teaching you how to fly with him.

Ginny noticed the nightmares take a slow down. But when they did happen you asked for Fred and sure enough, he'd come in and lay with you. You two were closer, that was becoming very clear. Nights would come where you couldn't sleep, Ginny would tell him and you two would just play a card game and talk. He listened to you, giving you genuine advice before cracking a joke and making you genuinely laugh.

When you went back to school you were more talkative, you actually participated in events, Fred was proud of seeing you slowly come out of your shell. A day of skipping did come along, you sitting underneath the tree and playing with Fred's hair. "So... How are you... With everything?" He asked. "Almost a year clean." You said with a smile. He smiled, looking up at you from your lap and put a hand on your cheek. "I'm proud of you Y/n... Truly." He said. You looked down at him and smiled noticing a strange tension looking at him. "...Y/n..." He breathed looking at you. You swallowed and looked up, a blush slowly forming. Fred leaned up and cleared his throat. "Sooo. What's our next class?" Fred asked. "This was our last class of the day." You said with a chuckle. "Ohhh.. I really gotta start paying attention." He said making you laugh. "Dinner is going to start in a few minutes, want to go?" Fred asked you. "Mmm.. I don't think so. I wanna see the sunset on the lake." You said. Fred sat cross-legged in front of you. "Then I will too." He said. "Wha-- Fred what about--" "I want to stay here." He said simply.

You pulled a deck of cards out of your binder and he chuckled. "Go fish or Rummy?" You asked. "Hmmm. Let's go simple today and say go fish." He said. You two played two rounds before you looked over at the sunset. "That's so pretty." You said with a smile. Fred smiled looking at you. "It really is." He said as the pink skies seemed to bring out your eyes. You looked over and Fred swallowed. You loved this boy... Didn't you?

He felt himself lean forward and you soon felt his lips on yours before you cradled his cheek, pulling away for air and resting your forehead on his. "I-I'm sorry I just reacted and--" "Fred... Please tell me you're going to do that again." You whispered. He chuckled and held your hand that was still on his cheek. "Only if you want me to." He said softly. You nodded with a smile and he kissed you again, feeling his arms slowly slink around you, pulling you almost into his lap.

"Promise you'll never leave me?" You asked. "Never would dream of it Princess."

[mothernatureknows]

"Look, I know you're dead set on hating me, but..." Suriel stopped mere inches away from her, hand closed - clearly holding something was brought to Luna's lips. And just like that he pretty much forced a chocolate into her mouth. "Ischoklad" he explained. "Ice chocolate." he made sure to select chocolate with cooling effect, hoping she'd like these more. "Happy Valentine's Day." He handed her a bag with remaining chocolates.

Luna’s never gagged more times on a holiday than on Valentine’s Day. It was fucking disgusting. Roses, chocolates, special Valentine’s Day sex, holy fuck, she can already feel herself starting to gag again. It was overwhelming to the likes of her, someone who absolutely CANNOT stand to see cheesy shit like that. Call her whatever you want, a non-believer, a whiny loner, she doesn’t give one measly fuck what others think. It was a stupid-ass holiday with no real feeling behind any of it—a ploy to drain people of their money to spend on their “significant other” just so they can have an easier time getting laid.

Fucking pathetic.

That’s why she’s on the outskirts of town, far, far away from the red and pink pukefest. It’s only here where she can BREATHE—where her snow and ice is color-free, pure of any manufactured waste. Puffs of white escape her pale lips as Luna lies in the snow, snowflakes falling and caressing her patches of exposed skin. For sure, nothing can bother her here, in her own little sanctuary. She’s got all this to herself—only a fucking idiot would disturb her now. 

And speaking of…

Her ears pick up the faint crunch of snow to her left, prompting blue irises to peer in that same direction. As she sits up, her expression falls entirely as she sees him, that annoying-as-fuck ice bird who won’t leave her alone. Fuckin’ hell, why was he being so persistent on getting to know her? Doesn’t he know that she LIKES being on her own? That she doesn’t need anymore people meddling into her personal life? She grunts in frustration as she puts her head in hands, flurries of snow pasted to her pale skin. 

“For fuck’s sake, why can’t you just leave me al—” she begins, her hands flying off her face, before being startled by his sudden closeness. She almost falls back in the snow, barely saved by the packed snow holding her in place. Why the hell was he so close? What he trying to…wait…what’s in his hand? Her eyes dart to his hand that was coming at an alarming rate to her lips. She can barely speak before the thing in his hand is being shoved into her mouth, almost causing her to choke. 

“What the FUCK??” she yells, slapping his hand away and half-spitting up the chocolate. The other half has already cooled in her mouth, sending a weird, cold sensation into her throat. Ice chocolate? No, no, NO, there was no w a y that that was some sort of chocolate. “What the hell did you just give me?” Blue irises are filled with extreme RAGE, sparking haphazardly with ice magic. There was no way in hell he was getting off easy for this. She completely disregards the bag of chocolates, instead grabbing Suriel roughly by his collar and tossing him down into the snow, followed closely by Luna’s body straddling him. 

“Are you trying to poison me, Surreal? ‘Cause I don’t believe for one second that that shit you just gave me was ice chocolate.”

[nyxulricdeleted]

SLAM DUNKS MY URL HELLO

Send me your URL and I’ll tell you [NO longer accepting]

My Opinion on;

Character in general: God, thank you for allowing me to ramble about Regis, cause I ABSOLUTELY ADORE THIS MAN OKAY? I remember when they first showed Regis back in FF13 Versus and I thought he was going to be those typical angry, hardass, cold and cynical mafia type leaders of a father...and then I saw the scene where Noctis and Regis were eating at the dinner table and I almost teared up because of how beautiful it was. Here was a man struggling with a shit load of problems, the entire world on his shoulders and he still made time for his son, treated him like a child and not just the heir to the throne and was a goof ball despite his internal afflictions. I gained so much love and respect for him there. Fast forward to the movie - I love how disciplined, fearless, strong and composed he is in front of everyone and then when he sees Luna he melts into who he truly is - a big hearted man. He was like a very loving father when he spoke to her, formalities aside and I really love that dynamic. There is so much more to him than the crown and his duty to it. They made him very human, something that not many characters of royalty depict. When he died I fucking cried. I knew it was going to happen but he faced it with such valor that I was pleading that somehow he would survive. The trailer of him holding baby Noctis and weeping is my absolute favorite and I get so emotional watching it because...I could NEVER imagine the turmoil he felt knowing damn well that he would be the one to put an end his beloved son’s life. Noctis and Luna may have suffered greatly but I think after them it would be Regis because he had to carry the weight of that for Noctis’ entire life and then also had to go through with it and like...can you imagine killing your own son for the sake of the world? The ending where it shows him standing there as everyone else cut into Noctis really made me emotional too, he couldn’t bear to look and I can’t even ponder what he was feeling. REGIS JUST MAKES ME EMOTIONAL OKAY? lol

How they play them: Ah crap, here goes another rant. The mun plays them with utter perfection. I hate throwing that term around so freely but I truly mean it when I say that I hear Regis in their writing. They play him with a grace that is only matched with his ferocity and does so very realistically and implements all of the dynamics of Regis I listed above. I rambled on how much I love Regis so when I say they are true to his character, I genuinely mean that! Their beautiful way with words captures Regis’ level of intellect, discipline and strength. I LOVE LOVE LOVE HOW THEY PORTRAY HIM.

The Mun: I LOVE THEM. Seriously, the mun is an absolute sweetheart, a true treasure to be kept. They inspire me alone with their writing but then leaves comments here and there about me and my writing that just astounds me and makes me so happy like honestly what did I do to deserve them? They take such care in their writing and I truly appreciate that - honestly it’s rare to find such dedication. 

Do I:

RP with them:  YesWant to RP with them:  ALWAYS

What is my;

Overall Opinion: Follow the King, you won’t regret it. I am honestly so grateful I followed them and even more that they followed me. My experience here on Nyx has been so fulfilling and worthwhile with them here .

**Note: Mun’s answer are all to be completely honest. Don’t send url if you don’t want brutal honesty

@regisinfernus

[toomanyfeelings5]

2 5 & 13 for: ginny Weasley, cho Chang, hermione, gay nuns (never reblog these things while I'm online lol)

THANKS SAM I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Ahhh Ginny:

2. Their emotional/moral weak spots:

Ginny will hate you forever if you don’t support the Holyhead Harpies. You could be the best person but if you talk shit about the Harpies you’re dead to her. On a more serious note, she’s afraid of being vulnerable with people after the diary possession, and she hates losing control over her life, or feeling like she’s lost control over her life. On a moral note, she can sometimes do stuff for her own reputation and not because it’s necessarily the right thing to do.

5. Guilty Pleasures: 

She takes REALLY LONG BATHS, like she gets all pruney and doesn’t care, she loves it. Ginny also secretly watches the Great British Bakeoff but is ALSO obsessed with cooking shows in the USA. she gets very passionate about it all. which is hilarious, because she can’t cook for shit.

13. What Gets Them Flustered:

for harry/ginny: whenever harry says, “your hair is a sunset,” (he says this a lot) whenever harry kisses her in public (with tongue, because neither of them have any fucks to give), whenever harry says, “thank you for being my wife,” in a very conversational, matter-of-fact way, whenever harry helps ginny cut her hair short.

for ginny/luna: whenever luna kisses her hand, whenever luna braids her hair, whenever luna calls her, “darling,” whenever luna shows her some really cool magical creature specimen and smiles really wide and tells her, “it’s not as pretty as you, of course.” sometimes luna is telling a joke to people and winks at ginny, like they both know what’s funny, and ginny blushes every time. 

the thing to remember here is that ginny is a bisexual sap no matter what. 

Cho Chang!!!!

2. Cho can be too forgiving–she’s no pushover, but she avoids conflict like the plague with the people she’s close to, and would rather keep her friends instead of potentially making them angry at her. She hates being alone. She hates talking about difficult things. At her most afraid, she can choose what’s convenient over what’s right. She always knows when she does something wrong, but often does it anyway.  

5. CHO READS SO MANY TRASHY WIZARD ROMANCE NOVELS. SO MANY.  She loves and over-analyzes every single one of them. She also secretly loves playing against Harry or Cedric at Quidditch matches but DON’T TELL HER TEAMMATES THAT. 

13. ok so cho blushes all the time, it’s just a fact, but that being said, here’s what gets her flustered: whenever harry leaves terrible little poems for her on the fridge before work, whenever cedric gives her flowers he picked himself from their garden, whenever harry kisses her collarbone, whenever cedric puts his hand on her thigh in public and it’s (mostly) innocuous and casual but cho has read too many romance novels, whenever harry and cedric ask her about the book she’s reading. 

Hermioneeeeeeeee:

2. i feel like her emotional and moral weak spots are explored pretty well in the books, but i will add that hermione has a lot of internalized misogyny to get over, and also that she can be impatient and insensitive with others when wanting to achieve a goal. 

5. hermione and cho have a book club where they talk about the latest TRASHY ROMANCE NOVEL they’ve read. ginny is nominally a part of this club except she tends to skim the books and ends up with only like, 20% of the plot. it’s great. anyway, hermione also loves knitting even though she’s bad at it, and she is ALSO a huge secret fan of those reality tv paranormal detective shows. she points out when it’s a real ghost and when it’s a fake ghost and gets really into it. 

13. hermione gets flustered whenever she’s like, mid-rapid-fire-rant about nothing in particular and ron just gets this big goofy smile and says, “i’m so glad you married me,” and also whenever ron beats her at chess, which they play regularly, it’s like one of their date night things. also whenever her and ron are in a heated debate and ron bites his lip. let’s be real, they both like to solve (ultimately unimportant) arguments with making out. 

IT’S TIME FOR THE GAY NUNS:

Ana:

2. she has a lot of deep-seated insecurity and as a result tends to lash out at the slightest criticism. she can be cruel to preserve her reputation and her self-image. she doesn’t care about the rules, but she PRETENDS that she does with the right people–hypocritical. will back-stab and cheat and gossip and do almost anything to feel valued. wants attention all the time. can be willfully ignorant about her flaws/what’s right–stubborn. can be petty, selfish, melodramatic. loves pranking people, causing chaos, being purposely obnoxious (when it suits her). 

5. she secretly loves going to church, but not because she’s very religious or anything–it’s calming, and she can ignore her family under the guise of prayer, and she can vent to God. she’s like “animals are kind of gross who needs them as pets,” but she loves cats, and no, she’s not projecting, she’s just going to make sure that this random kitten found starving in the convent is going to be LOVED and APPRECIATED LIKE SHE DESERVES. 

13. where do i fucking start. you’d THINK that she’d be like, super smooth and coy and shit, and she is sometimes, because she’s a terrible flirt when she wants to be, but mostly whenever juliana like, smiles right at her, ana internally combusts. ana also gets flustered whenever juliana kisses her knuckles, or says, “god loves you, as i do,” or whenever juliana laughs at a joke ana tells. it’s like, literally any time whenever juliana is really gentle and soft towards her. they could be making out and it’s all good but then idk, juliana’s like “you have such nice eyes” and ana is like “im deceased” bless her. 

Juliana:

2. she can put her spiritual needs above everything else–ie, thinking, “i have god who needs anything else.” can get in her own head too much. she gets irritable and snide when she lets stuff pent up, which is often. proud, hates change, holds grudges. is incredibly strict with her morals because she’s super catholic, (and pedantic), BUT she can also put the institution of the church over god/what’s right. she acts rigid and cold and self-righteous, and she can be all of those things, but this masks her deeply-felt loneliness and exhaustion over not being understood. hates feeling out of control. 

5. juliana actually really loves dancing. she’s not that great at it, but she loves it. she also loves hearing all about conrad’s illegal pirate adventures, even though they’re technically sinful. she also secretly loves to sing. AND she secretly loves watching plays. and bad jokes. 

13. ok so juliana gets flustered whenever ana is super flirty with her, whenever ana kisses the back of her neck, whenever ana says, “you’re lovely,” whenever ana looks at her after juliana is done praying, whenever ana sends her that classic gay smirk when some rando visiting the convent is like, “it’s so great that you’re friends.” also omg here’s the thing. juliana gets Especially Flustered whenever anyone talks about shit about her, and ana gets really protective. juliana doesn’t need to be rescued 24/7 or anything like that, but she really loves it when ana is like “I’LL KNIFE YOU” if someone is like “juliana is uncool” or whatever and juliana gets v flustered. these gays are ridiculous. 

[hawthornewhisperer]

Incoherent Screeching about 403

We start with SO MUCH BRAVENLARKE I am enjoying this even if they’re bickering.

I honestly can’t decide if Clarke’s snappish reaction to Bellamy’s “I’m not going to be one of the hundred” is a sign that this is an argument they have been having for days and she’s sick of it because you will live if I want you to live, dammit or if it’s the first time she heard of it and she’s caught off guard.  Either one would make me flail like a turtle on its back, though.

So @ponyregrets pointed out that the way Bellamy knocks on the window of the rover and makes Jaha get out is a clear sign he watched a bunch of cop movies on the Ark, and we both agreed that this was because Octavia was super into Lethal Weapon and both Blake siblings probably really liked Speed and long story short, it’s now officially canon that Bellamy Blake has a crush on Sandra Bullock and Miss Congeniality is the official movie of the Blake family as it unites Bellamy’s two great loves (Sandra Bullock and feminism) with Octavia’s two great loves (makeup and punching.)

I am going to deal with the Raven arc in one fell swoop because eventually I’m just gonna be screaming about bellarke, so here goes:  I feel AWFUL for Raven.  She’s making decisions entirely on her own because she’s literally the only person who can, and fucking no one is stepping up to be her shoulder to cry on.  I was definitely on her side over Abby in the medicine debate, and it really hurt to see her sort-of-mom challenge her, even if Abby truly believed she was doing the right thing.  Raven’s arc is clearly not over and I do like where it’s going, but god, someone draw her a bubble bath and pour her an entire bottle of wine because my girl needs it.

I also really, really, REALLY loved the brief scene with Bellamy and Luna.  I was surprised by how it was initially presented with Luna thinking she doesn’t deserve their help because she didn’t help them with the flame, though, because I never saw her decision as wrong?  Like, yes, it would have helped them immensely, but the way they went about it was SO AWFUL and TERRIBLE that I felt Luna was totally justified in being like “no fuck you get off my rig.”  So to have Luna frame her decision as having hurt them was surprising, but also very in character for our lovely pacifist mermaid.

HOWEVER, what I loved about that scene was the genuine remorse and understanding on both their sides.  Luna basically admitted she would get it if he saw this as her just rewards, and Bellamy flat out refused that interpretation.  His “no one deserves to suffer” was just the right amount of heartbreaking, because he probably does resent her a little but he never, ever wanted this.  I also think he understands her pain better than most, and I have to move on now because if I don’t this will be too fucking long so check back this afternoon for 2k on Bellamy/Luna parallels.

To conclude the radiation arc: absolutely none of us are surprised that Luna’s nightblood makes her resistant to radiation, but that pales in comparison to that gutwrenching death scene.  I cried and cried and thank you show, for remembering what you’re good at.

Murphy and Emori: god I love those two grifters so fucking hard, and I am really glad they at least addressed the complete lack-of-consent bullshit that was Murphy/Ontari.  I also love that Murphy is ingratiating himself to Abby as a way of making sure he and Emori survive because that is On Brand for those two assholes and I could not be happier.

Before we finish with the bellarke flailing, back to Polis!  ROAN’S ELVEN CLOAK IS EVERYTHING TO ME as is Indra having a daughter and backstory and an arc for this season that has almost nothing to do with the Skaikru.  I am here for it, and I am here for Indra and Gaia having a complicated mother/daughter relationship that is just as deep and nuanced as Clarke and Abby’s.  I am also really pleased with Octavia’s “fuck it, she’s family” decision to go against Roan, because that is insanely reckless and probably the wrong call politically but it is from the heart and in that respect it is 100% Blake and that makes me happy.

Also making me happy: Murderous Elf Prince!  He’s so handsome and angry and yeah, I’m into it.

Okay, so....The Road Trip and the List.  First of all, I laughed at Jaha sitting in the back while people young enough to be his kids drive the van, because....god, Jaha.  Of COURSE you would think a cult can save everyone.  That’s literally your first instinct: You know what could fix this? A cult!  However, (and there will be MUCH MORE IN DEPTH FLAILING ABOUT THIS IN A SEPARATE POST) I really appreciated that his role in that scene was to a) present Bellamy with an easy option to assuage his guilt and b) lampshade the role that Bellamy fills in Clarke’s life, and then Bellamy rejected them both.  He does not think that “it was for my people” is sufficient justification for the massacre (which: agreed, it isn’t) and I think that line was more about Jaha than Bellamy.  Jaha has decided that so long as he thought he was doing the right thing, it’s okay, but Bellamy is following Beard Dad on this one, which I think is the right call.  Bellamy also cannot see how important he is to Clarke, but he can see how important she is to him.  It’s like, instinctive-- Jaha says “you center her” and Bellamy is like “lol no she centers me.”  He doesn’t even take a beat to consider it, it just is.  However, while he was right to reject Jaha’s solution for guilt, he was definitely wrong to reject his place in Clarke’s life buuuuut it’s also understandable because a lot of Clarke’s feelings for him are still buried deep down inside of her and only come out when he’s sleeping.

Sidenote: so clearly, some of Second Dawn survived and guys, this means Grounders are descended from Scientologists.  I find this utterly delightful.  Thank you, show, for being bonkers.

And then, we get a brief moment of peace.  I am going to go with “Bellamy fell asleep and Clarke chose that moment to write out the list”  as my headcanon for this scene because I don’t see a scenario where Bellamy is like “you do this awful thing; Big Boy needs his nap.”  That’s not how they operate, and while I could maybe see him falling asleep due to pure exhaustion while they work on the list together, that also doesn’t feel very likely to me.  So unless I hear otherwise, that’s the interpretation I’m going with.

So Bellamy falls asleep and Clarke watches him, glad that he’s getting a moment of peace in the oncoming hell.  I suspect she kept his name off the list for several reasons, but the most important one here is she knows he doesn’t want to be on it.  She’s trying to honor his wishes, but then she looks at him and is like, “I cannot imagine a world where he doesn’t deserve to survive.”

And then she breaks down.  Because Clarke is never going to put her own name on that list, and it means she’s going to lose him.  (Of course, she’d also lose him if they BOTH died, but she has already decided that is Not An Option).  The weight of everything hits her at once, and Bellamy’s Clarke Alarm goes off and he wakes up.  (Aside: Bellamy being kind of snort-y and noisy when he wakes up is like, the cutest fucking thing in the universe A+ work Bob).  He knows right away what’s going on and he does the only thing he can think of: he offers his life in exchange for hers.

Except this time, they’re not dying-- they’re living.  He’s saying “fine, you want me to survive?  I’ll survive-- but only if you do too.”  Clarke just can’t bring herself to say “yes I deserve to live” so Bellamy does it for her, and then he touches her-- gently, and just the once-- to show her she’s not alone, and then he makes himself leave.  I have SO MANY thoughts about why he chose that moment to walk away, but I think the main reason was that he needed to, because he’s on the edge too and breaking down in front of Clarke wouldn’t help her.  And that’s his only goal in that scene-- help her, lift some of that burden, remind her that she’s not alone.  She’s his center, so he does what he can for her and then he walks away before he has to ask her for something, because to him that would be adding to her burden and that is unconscionable.

Because guys...he loves her so much.  And she loves him too.  

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 8: Thoughts on 1x10 I Am Become Death

Friday tomorrow. Watching I Am Become Death tonight instead of sleeping.

I don’t think I ever noticed the random severed arm in the Exodus ship wreckage before. Or the random ribs.

I hate to say it but I semi-side with Finn re: the Grounders but he’s otherwise annoying. “Clarke shouldn’t be out here” blah blah whatever--you clearly don’t know her at all because obviously she’d be out there first. Raven gets her better and Raven/Clarke should have been a thing.

“Why they’re coming doesn’t matter anymore”--lol truer words were never spoken. Seriously. And it’s quite sad.

“We move in formation”--what an actual army.

This is one of Jasper’s more annoying scenes, telling the bridge story, but at least he’s acting 15, which I appreciate; also Octavia is semi-more annoying (that’s your friend lol, get over your grumpiness); and also it’s all worth it for the lines “Let us have this” and “my boy’s a folk hero.” (I’m hearing my and you can’t stop me, Netflix subtitles that say the.)

Why would these bozos shoot into the woods when they know they have people out there? I’m surprised they didn’t all friendly-fire themselves to death in season 1.

Remember when this show was creative enough to do stuff like bio warfare? Good times. What happened to that?

I don’t feel remotely bad for anyone who got sick in this episode either (other than Murphy) because banishing him was Grade A stupid and they deserved what they got.

Speaking of not-shining moments, Bellamy’s (completely unbelievable) desire to shoot Murphy dead in the middle of the dropship is ridiculous. I say unbelievable because he absolutely would not have done it and ridiculous because yet again, hate to say it, but Finn and Clarke are right and Bellamy’s position is silliness. Also really dogmatic in an Ark-like way: we said we’d kill in this circumstance so I guess we gotta do it! Not a rebel king moment for sure.

“After we interrogate him we send him back out in the woods, repeating the exact same mistake we already made and that has led to our secrets being shared with our enemy.” LOL nevermind Clarke’s dumb as rocks too. Who wrote this and why do they hate all the characters?

I am not going to talk about the Harper scene because it’s past midnight and I’m trying to be less of a masochist but suffice it to say most people who talk about this scene could stand to, I don’t know, crazy, out there idea here, actually watch it before spouting off their big mouths. Not that I’m BITTER at all or anything.

Also: Monty’s a slut in the making and kind of sexist, he is bad at minding his own business, I want Jasper’s shoes. I may have Jasper’s shoes, just as low tops.

I lied I am talking about it. The way Monty’s expression changes when Jasper tells him to float himself and his sad “I’m just telling you the truth” IS Monty in a nutshell. You ever wondered what the definitive Monty line is? It’s that one. He has no tact and the emotional intelligence of a brick. It’s the truth so what’s wrong with telling it?? Right???

Also here we have an early example of Jasper (a child with emotional intelligence beyond his years) knowing just how to push buttons and show cruelty. Fuck this was quite possibly the best written character on the show and then they drove him into a ditch and I’m so angry. He simultaneously did a 180 in character, and also stayed IC. That’s like the writing dream.

I want a deleted scene where Bellamy gifts Jasper the tent (also btw to people who were simultaneously Bellamy stans and Jasper haters and who like to point to the bridge scene as a knock against my favorite awkward bisexual: Bellamy thought he did the right thing and actually rewarded him for it so...go float yourself as they say). Because I think Jasper, with his Obvious Bellamy Crush, probably almost fainted.

One minute of Clarke/Raven interaction and I get all on the edge of my seat. They get so little.

Few images more iconic than Clarke crying blood.

This Murphy + Clarke + Bellamy scene is Clarke at her finest, and a good example of Bellamy being all-emotion, no-logic tbqh. He’s sure looking fine though.

The Mountain Man in Lincoln’s notebook...

Clarke is so sneaky and gives no fucks. Telling Bellamy she’ll keep O on the third floor and then immediately sending her back out. I mean, again, smart, but one of those moments when I just sincerely wonder how anyone, even Bellamy, can ever REALLY trust her.

Lincoln wants to go “East, to the sea, then across it.” He’s not...really discussing crossing the Atlantic is he? He’s gotta be talking about a different sea. Does he mean like the Chesapeake Bay?? That’s gotta be it. Also Luna’s rig is most decidedly not in Europe or Africa lol.

Dude I think I might have just seen Manny Jacinto. Wild.

Clarke with her blood-eyes and humongous weaponry firing shots into the air is surprisingly hot; this distresses me.

It’s weird how I technically ship Bellarke and quite hard at that but these flirting scenes, or B knocking out the guy threatening Clarke, aren’t doing anything for me. Perhaps because I’m finding Bellamy rather obnoxious--IC but obnoxious--in this particular ep.

I think when Octavia starts helping the sick delinquents is when she decides not to leave with Lincoln but bounces back to feeling an affiliation with the 100.

This is such a deja vu moment for me but I always laugh at Finn’s “you don’t know me very well.” UH YOU THINK?

I’m sorry but Finn doesn’t get enough credit for the blowing up the bridge idea. I know it ended up being a lot more violent than he wanted it to be (tbh this would have been better if he’d been more staunchly pacifist from the get go and then upset when lives were lost to his plan but whatever)--but it was still a good plan.

I guess I can see how people can interpret Monty’s reaction to Jasper’s “flirting” with Harper as jealousy but IMO this is a stretch because if he WERE interested in her why was his main message to his best friend in the earlier scene “You should fuck that pussy”? The more obvious interpretation is that Jasper, who does not have an interest in Harper, is “flirting” with her to mess with Monty and that Monty realizes that or that Jasper isn’t flirting, just actually being nice (I KNOW! A boy! NICE?!?!?) and Monty is interpreting it as a jab at him because he’s in a sour mood and they’re fighting. Regardless, Harper--a character we have literally never seen before this episode--is literally just a pawn for their relationship growth let’s not forget that.

“That’s cute.”

Finn won’t pick up a gun--probably the best evidence that he’s actively a pacifist. Shame an actively pacifistic character hasn’t really existed on this show after S1.

“The men who built the A-bomb thought they were peacemakers too. How’d that work out for them?” Oh how I miss the idea that this show would consider humanity’s rush to its own self-destruction! Or just frankly the framing of the universe as the after-effect of the real choices we really made and are making in the real world, drawn out to their ultimate conclusions. The ALIE story line is, in this sense, even worse than the atrocity of S4 because the retcon just all but elided humanity’s responsibility for its destruction and that just...boils my blood tbqh.

This scene, where Bellamy tells Jasper to take the shot at the bridge, is a great example of Devon Bostick’s Face. Kid has great bones. (He’s actually real life younger than me so I’m allowed to call him a Kid indefinitely that’s the rule.)

Bellamy falling into the tent = me in law school. Also p. sure Jasper’s immune but Bellamy’s concern is nevertheless touching.

Bellamy and O are no Elliot and Darlene but they have their moments.

The Dramatic Zoom In on Finn’s face when Monty tells him that Raven took the bomb is Grade A Hilarious.

Jasper breaks first in the Jonty fight, as I’m sure he always does. No one holds a grudge like Monty. Or is vicious like Monty. “Why don’t you ask your new friends?” is a touch catty and probably the gayest thing he’s ever done (sorry but the boy is canonically straight and always has been...queer him as you wish, I certainly do, but let’s not pretend it’s an interpretation grounded in the text lol.) (What a tangent.)

This is a good Bellarke scene, though. I especially like Clarke’s “Trust? No. I do believe in second chances though”--a good line to remember when trying to keep her IC. (Though I maintain that the idea of second chances and being less judgmental is something she learned in S1, not a pre-pilot trait; see: Wells); and Bellamy’s “Maybe if we close all the doors the Grounders will think we’re not home” like I love that sense of humor.

They’re so rude about Finn and Jasper. Jasper’s a good shot asshats--he saw those Grounders in the last ep. before Bellamy did so suck on that.

Raven with the hydrazine on the bridge is also me in law school.

Jasper and Monty could have been an iconic couple if only this fandom (and this show) were not so dumb.

While I love this Oppenheimer exchange (Bellamy’s voice lol), it bugs me a little that, first, Clarke didn’t build that bomb, shoot it, come up with the idea, or involve herself in the plan at all so cool your jets sick lady you’re not destroying any worlds, and second, it’s not Oppenheimer, it’s Oppenheimer quoting the Bhagavad Gita and I don’t know why that’s so important to me to remember but it really really is. Bugs me every time.

The Mountain Men reference. I guess they saw the mushroom cloud and learn of the delinquents through it...but they already shot down the Exodus Ship. How’d they know about that but not the Dropship? And why didn’t they notice the flares? Why is Lincoln so sure that the cloud will do it?

Lincoln’s got some books in there.

Raven’s comparison of Finn rushing to help Clarke versus hesitating about the bomb isn’t really fair tbqh. I mean it doesn’t matter because their relationship is obviously a farce and she needs to cut him loose, and if that’s what it took, that’s fine. But catching someone who’s falling is an instinct and I don’t think it necessarily has much to do with love or devotion. Whereas Bellamy’s question was about the future and there was no immediate someone-will-crack-their-head-open-on-the-ground-in-a-second danger about it. It wasn’t really an instinctual moment in the same way. Still, drop that dead weight my closet lesbian.

“It’s hard running things” is obviously a call back “It’s not easy being in charge.”

WHY AM I STILL AWAKE IT’S SO LATE.