#[i'll just keep doing this every end of week/month better for my sanity | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nathanielbuildsatesseract · 3 months ago

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It's that time again, and I don't know what to say.

I'm here because I'm here. As I wrote last time, it's clear that I'm on Tumblr to stay, even if I abandon other social media sites. I took a sorta hiatus from Xitter this last week, because I had my first meatspace social engagement in months and because I'd just gotten into a fight with one of the only people I actually interact with over there, and I really don't feel like I'm missing anything. I really might quit using it this year, but Tumblr is a different story.

But I don't know what to write about, even so.

When I wrote the last milestone, my dad had just crested the peak of his post-stroke health, and still doing well enough that I thought he might actually beat the cancer. It killed him, not two months later. Did I ever explicitly talk about that on here? I don't recall. I did, back on Xitter. I took a week off the site after that happened, too.

Then Mom got sick, right before the family reunion in May, and ended up in the hospital three separate times. She's still not well, now on second- and third-order consequences of the original thing. So I came back to Kansas City, and I've been here all summer, again.

All told, the last 18 months or so I've simply felt like I have no real control over my life. Using the singular feels wrong; I have two lives, the good one back home and the bad one here, and basically no control over which one I'll be living at any given time. Everything hinges upon the biology of another human being, both cases one which I have only the most limited power to influence to take the actions that maximize future utility for either of us.

It's soul-crushing precisely because it's nothing new. I consider my 20s a lost decade because almost all of it was spent on dealing with my family's irrationalities and incapacities, instead of building the career which they spent so many years encouraging me to pursue. The pandemic didn't help and inviting a literal Randian parasite into the house towards end definitely didn't help. Since this latest round kicked off right before my birthday, my 30s aren't exactly off to a great start, either.

The nine months or so between taking my current job and Dad's stroke were, in retrospect, probably the best of my adult life. I thought the bullshit was behind me, and we'd finally get to have the sort of relationship I always wanted with my parents, and which I figured they wanted with me. We never got to experience that. Everything reverted to the mean and now I just feel hopeless. Will I get to live while either of them still does? With every miserable month that passes it seems less and less likely.

Compare the 27,000 post to this one. So full of optimism by comparison. (Don't believe what anyone says: I'm an insufferable optimist by nature. I expect things to go right the first time. Then they don't. Expecting the worst is a strategy that leaves me less disappointed when the actual results are significantly worse than whatever I imagined the minimum could possibly be.) Not even two years ago, and despite recognizing my own hand it almost feels like a different person must have written it. As I keep having to tell people, when I took this job I had two healthy parents. Now I can barely contribute to my team, because I'm just...exhausted. There's nothing left in the tank.

Maybe it gets better. That's happened before. But it's never stayed better remotely long enough for me to recover. The tank is dry and there's no reason to expect it'll get to refill. Outside view is great and all, but after so much pointless pain I can't make myself believe it, not where it counts.

If that day does ever come, maybe then I'll finally leave Tumblr like I almost managed in late '22 and early '23. Until then, I'll be here, sharing my small scraps of sanity with this insane world. It's not like there's anything else to do while I'm waiting.

#milestone post #29000th post #posting this one late at night because i stayed up too late (one of many ways i haven't felt remotely in control) and so fewer people see i

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bitchubby · 1 year ago

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shit outburst

the title is quite explicit and self-explanatory, shitty moment and only here do I feel safe enough to expose my miserable and deplorable situation

this is going to be kind of sad so don't read it if it will make you feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone's pity, I just want peace to keep going through this jungle I face every day

we start with my deplorable situation in every angle of my life, there isn't one where I'm really good or worthy of looking at and thinking "I'm doing fine". but well, I've been trying, really trying lmao.

well, I got a college internship, but my college is full of antics and required a minimum of credit to do the internship. I obviously hadn't. difficult situation, I had to lock up before due to serious personal problems. so I signed a letter committing myself to having all the credits at the end of the term.

friends, it was like two subjects, I had signed up for five, but life is like taking the wrong bus and only realizing it after a long time. I live like a long way from both (college and internship), it's 3 long hours standing on the bus.

At first, I thought I could reconcile, but damn, it was impossible. within a month I was sleeping 4 hours a day and it BROKE me. so I thought "I'm going to stop trying to take all of them", let's just say they were tough teachers, who really charge, they give a lot of work and the test is hell, to only go to the ones I had a better chance of passing.

But then again, life is UNPREDICTABLE.

I live in a favela/community, which means I can't go in and out whenever I want, there are times when there's a police operation, shooting, bombing and that prevents me from going, I can't risk my life, can I? if I'm suicidal yes (which I think a lot lately, by the way).

so, let's say that in one of the two subjects that I was SURE I would pass, I didn't miss it, even though I had the 2nd highest average in the class, hahahaajajah fuck me, I studied 6 hours straight for weeks to fulfill the workload of the contents that I missed due to circumstances BIGGER than myself. it was like 3 more absences, justified, 3 more absences that made me despair now.

my internship depends on these subjects, but only on that subject, as well as my college, because as I said, I live far away and it is impossible to maintain myself in it (even if it is public) if I don't work, it is unfeasible, I spend a lot, like A LOT of money (and look, I have a ticket that guarantees me 4 free bus trips). and like, my college offers some allowances like permanence (housing), food, passage, but apparently I'm not miserable enough.

you have no idea how I've been fighting, how I've been trying. I tried so hard, really.

in that same class that I failed, I went through some situations that made me question my sanity would it be worth taking risks to try to progress a little academically and financially.

like, are we in 2023? yes, i'm fat. yes, my hair gets frizzy. yes, I look defeated, I wake up at 4:50 in the morning and come back at 10/11. Being bullied and being told about things I already know is exhausting. but I thought, I can get through this, it's only one semester, I'll get rid of them and then I'll continue to do well in my internship.

but BAMMMMM 3 punch I take.

Is nothing I do enough? my maximum is not enough? Will you have to destroy me so I can get some kind of mercy

and I even forgot to mention, but from trying so hard to reconcile, from giving so much to do well in all areas, I acquired an autoimmune disease!!!

the name is psoriasis, and it was enough to destroy the only high point in my life, which was my self-esteem.

Now I don't even feel pretty anymore I have the right, apparently.

So, I would like to know if it's worth living like this? if God only gives burdens we are able to bear, I have news.

Today I already cried a lot, people. I already had thoughts like I haven't had since 2015, when I was massively bullied, lived in isolation and thought about throwing myself on the avenue every day before going to school.

and fuck, that's a fucking comeback.

I could say that I thought about taking all the pills I have to sleep here at home, which I have because psoriasis wouldn't let me sleep at night. but come on, I'm not brave enough.

I'm not miserable enough. I'm not hardworking enough. and the worst, I'm not brave enough.

just a complete failure on all counts.

and damn, I was starting to do so well on the stage. I'm like 3 months away, but I've finally been able to start to come out of my shell and engage with colleagues in the department. everyone is so nice. it's going to be so hard if I extend it until the contract time (6 months) and then have to say goodbye when I'm attached to them.

I'm kind of social and introspective, so it wasn't easy to make progress at first. but I was walking.

and now i'm falling. again.

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raggaraddy · 3 years ago

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Mouthy

Prompt: You say to Yandere BTS "Oh my god! Just shut up!"

A/N: Couldn't sleep, so I wrote this laying in bed. I hope it's not some sleep-deprived nonsense ^-^

Trigger warning: Yandere themes, violence, emotional manipulation, choking, non-con, D/s themes, examples of a bad D/s dynamic.

Alpha! Namjoon

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" You scream it through your bedroom doorway. Storming to the railing of the stairs, you lean over and scream again. "Shut up!"

The sea of people on the ground floor go quiet. Only the music dares to keep making a sound in the background. You skulk back to your room, slamming the door loudly behind you. You had had a long, disappointing day. You were tired and grumpy, and moody and sad. But the dozens of uninvited pack members couldn't care less as their party raged on into the night.

Not allowing you enough time to even climb back into bed, Namjoon storms after you to address your outburst.

"Y/n, go downstairs right now and apologize." He orders.

"No." you mope. Feeling it's a wildly unfair request. All these people are in your house making so much noise when you're trying to sleep. How is it you that's in the wrong?

"Do you think I am asking you? I'm telling you. Get downstairs now." He says sternly. His strict tone making you even more emotional. You just wanted him to be on your side for this.

"But- But I," you sniffle, with tears in your eyes.

"No," Namjoon cuts you off. "I've asked you all afternoon what's wrong. And you wouldn't tell me. So right at this moment, I don't want to hear it. You have been disrespectful to me and my people. So you are going to put some more clothes on and cover-up, and you will go out there and apologize to every single person." He growls, leaving no room to argue. "And you will do it sincerely, or I will give you something to cry about."

King! Seokjin

You didn't say it to his face. You would never be that stupid. But still, you clearly weren't smart enough. While gossiping to a friend, someone you thought was a confidant, you're complaining about a seemingly endless, boring meeting you had to serve today.

"And I just wanted to tell all of them; Oh my god! Just shut up!" You laugh.

But hours later it's no longer a laughing matter.

"How did you enjoy serving me today, Princess?" Jin asks his tone giving nothing away of what he already knows.

"I enjoyed it. Thank you, your Majesty" You politely smile, thinking his question to be a kindness.

"I often find these meetings so dull. Many of the Lords do like to ramble on. Sometimes I would enjoy telling all of them to just shut up." He speaks the words so purposefully that you know at once you've been exposed.

"My Lord, I-"

"If you are smart you will not say another word." He speaks softly, with a grin on his face. "I want to thank you, Y/n. I have an endless supply of other people I can hurt. Each one of them is freely at my disposal, but you are my favourite toy." He fills the space in front of you. "However, I am a man of my word. I swore to you that you will be unharmed if you are obedient, and I would not dare to break this vow. Of course, I have sorely missed playing with my beloved little dol, though."

Towering over you he sets off your instinct to get to your knees and grovel, begging his forgiveness for your carelessness. But that would only be a wasted effort.

"So thank you, Princess, for giving me the possibility to hear your pretty cries of pain again. I will make sure to use this opportunity to its fullest."

Assassin! Yoongi

He had been in a hyper mood for 2 days straight. His energy and enthusiastic interaction was something you always craved, but you had never dealt with it this long before and you were losing your sanity and your composure.

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" You shout at him as your last nerve snaps.

"Okay, Y/n." He gives little to no reaction. "Remember you said this in a month from now when you're begging me to speak to you."

But it didn't take a month. In two weeks you were in tears apologizing. He left you free to roam the house, but he revoked all communication from you. The only times he gave you any attention, was when he forcibly made you stop doing something he didn't like. Or when he wanted you for sex. But still, he wouldn't utter a single word, only bending you over to take what he wanted.

After 5 weeks, just as you thought you'd never hear his voice again, he finally broke his silence. Only to break your heart.

"Listening to you these past few weeks, I realise how much you talk. It's time you take your own advice and shut up. Y/n, I don't want to hear a sound out of you until I say. 5 weeks was easy enough for me. So let's start with that, and then I'll see if I want to hear from you yet."

Vampire! Hoseok

Hoseok was always so animated. Normally it didn't bother you, but he was talking and reacting through yet another movie and you were sick of it. It might have been because you were PMSing or maybe because Hoseok had forgotten to feed you all day, but when he yelled at the TV, you yelled at him.

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" And right away you were teeming with regret.

"I'm sorry baby. Am I being too loud?" He laughs with an unexpectedly harmless reply. Playfully but roughly slapping his hand on your thigh. "I'll keep it down."

You're not dumb enough to think that your eruption would go unanswered. So you sit tensely, anxiously waiting to see how he will repay you.

"Baby," he whispers in your ear, after sitting in silence for 20 minutes. "You know I have very strong hearing right?" You nod nervously. Chewing your lip. "Well, your breathing is too loud and very distracting. I can hardly hear the movie. Can you please fix that?"

You know this is going to lead to something horrible, but you have no choice but to do as he says. For the next 10 minutes, you're completely distracted trying to inhale and exhale as softly and shallowly as possible.

"Hmm baby, it's really too much. I can't concentrate on the film." He stands, pulling his belt off. "Here let me help you."

He wraps his belt around your neck, pulling and setting it so tight that it's biting into your skin. Your throat constricting, barely letting you breathe.

As you wheeze and splutter and cough, he holds the end like a leash. Sitting back on the couch, he turns his focus back to the movie without letting you loosen the strap or get away. Your whole body is shaking, your eyes starting to roll back as you struggle to inhale. The belt is cruelly not tight enough to have you pass out though. Only allowing you to sit in your suffering. The sound of your gasping filling the room.

"Ahh, there you go baby. That's much better. Don't worry, it's just while we're watching movies. And there's only two more left in the trilogy."

Playboy! Jimin

He was telling you over and over how sorry he was. How he didn't mean to kiss that girl. That he was drinking. And that she kissed him. It was every excuse and lie he had spouted 100 times before.

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" You yelled at him. And for a moment it worked. He sat in stunned silence. But as you got off the bed to leave, taking your car keys with you, he chased after you.

"Where are you going?"

"Out Jimin. I need some time alone to think." You scowl.

But he refuses, blocking the door. Holding his arms to either side to barricade you in.

"No, you can't leave! I said I'm sorry."

"Fuck off Jimin, your apologies mean nothing." You say shoving him.

He doesn't accept that. With a roar, he grabs your shoulders throwing you down onto the bed. Quickly straddling you, using far too much force to keep you pinned beneath him. Tearing off the pillowcases, he makes some shoddy but effective restraints. Tying you to the bars on the headboard.

Ignoring your screams and how you struggle he starts to kiss down your neck, pulling at your clothes, rubbing his hands down your body.

"I'm gonna make you feel good Y/n. I'll show you that I only want you, then you'll have to forgive me." He says sounding desperate and unhinged.

You cry and yell for him to stop, trying to buck him off you, but his hand covers your mouth, his other successfully tearing down your panties from under your dress.

"Don't fight me, Angel. Just let me in. And I'll prove I love you the most."

Dom! Taehyung

Finally, Taehyung had agreed to spend some time with you in a social environment. He and you went out to a movie and dinner with some of your friends. They were vanilla friends though, so as an exception, for the day he loosened a lot of the restrictions and formalities you normally had in place.

You, however, you were getting a little too relaxed. While you joked with you're friends, you started to speak to him the same manner. As you and he were playfully arguing about trivia facts you realized you were losing the debate.

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" You joke. But in the company of your friends or not, Taehyung was not about to let you disrespect him. Even in jest.

"Is that how you should talk to me girl?" He asks loudly and in front of everyone, bringing the group conversation to a grinding halt.

His change in tone and his use of the possessive pet name, right away have you back in your place.

"No," you whisper. The sting of embarrassment hot upon your cheeks.

"No, what?" He pushes it.

You can't stand to look up. All of the attention is on the two of you. And even in your peripheral, you can see your friends looking at you judgementally, wide-eyed and in shock.

And he was making it worse by having you use his title around them.

"No, Sir." you surrender, your head hung low.

"Shouldn't you also apologise to the other people at the table? For interrupting our night with your rudeness." He keeps piling on one shame after the other. Stretching out the ordeal.

"No, it's fine." One of your friends tries to laugh off the awkwardness and speed the discussion away from this point. "She doesn't have to."

"Y/n," He prompts you, disregarding what your friend had said.

Thoroughly humiliated, you can't imagine how you are going to repair these relationships or explain this treatment away.

"I'm sorry for interrupting the night with my rudeness." you swallow heavily, hands shaking.

"Good girl. Now mind your mouth. Before you make me embarrass you further."

Mafia! Jungkook

"Oh my god! Just shut up!" you say in a hushed voice. More of a prayer said to yourself than an actual demand you expected Jungkook to hear.

"What did you just say to me?" he lowers the phone, gawking at you.

You really didn't mean to, it just slipped out. He was talking on the phone, going into too graphic detail about how he and his men dealt with a threat recently. You couldn't handle the gruesome details he was recanting anymore and the words just fell out.

"What did you just say? Did you just tell me to shut up?" He repeats again through your nonreply. His tongue running through the inside of his cheek, his jaw and muscles tensing. His voice jumping rapidly from stunned to aggressive.

You're at home alone with him, so you weren't paying much mind to what you were saying. But this afternoon he's been dealing with work. And right now he isn't Kookie, no the person in front of you is Jeon Jungkook. The temperamental Mafia head, who would as likely hit you as he would speak to you.

"I'm sorry," you squeak.

"You're sorry?" He scoffs, slamming the phone down. "If you had said it and meant it, that would be one thing. I could respect that. But you really just can't control your stupid little mouth can you."

"I-" you start a defence, or more a plea for mercy.

"Shut the fuck up!" He growls leaning forward in his seat making you flinch back. Darting his hand out he grabs you by the hair, pulling you back to where you were. "Don't flinch. I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm gonna help you." He smiles.

You wriggle in his clutches, mewling the same trifle apologies under your breath.

"Shhh, my brainless little Kitten. I'm gonna give you a gift." He smirks. "For your own safety, you don't need to talk for the rest of the day. I just need you to come when I call. Sit on my lap when I tell you. And purr for me like a good little pussy." Grabbing your arm harshly, he yanks you off your chair and onto the ground. "There you go, where you belong." He laughs. "You think you can remember to do all that? I know you can. Otherwise, I'll buy you a kat collar to remind you how my Kitten should behave."

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vdlest · 4 years ago

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Onto It

Characters:

TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Summary:

Bucky and Sam are both in New York to finish their mission with the power broker, turns out to be Sharon Carter. The latter is not just the villain in this story, but you once got jealous of her as well when she tried to seduce your man.

Warning:

Swearing

Jealousy

Mention of Smut

"You know you could just call Bucky instead of being a grumpy old lady in here," Wanda pointed out as you accidentally dropped your pen for fifth time.

You and Wanda are doing some mission report in the house that you share together, the reports that you and Wanda are reading and discussing has something to do with the mission two had last week. But your mind is not completely concentrated to whatever the report says. Your mind is in New York, thinking of your man, Bucky Barnes.

"Come on, y/n," Wanda handed you your phone, "Just call him already. I know you're worried about the fact that he and Sam is there in New York to deal with the Sharon Carter," she raised her two hands to make air-quotation-marks upon mentioning Sharon's name.

You used to have no problem with Sharon, you actually wanted her to and Steve to enjoy each other's company before. But that was before. Before that witch became a villain in your lives. All along she is the power broker and she made a fool out of you all. Not just that, she even tried to seduce Bucky because she wanted to cover up her real identity. She put a substance on Bucky's drink to drug him and make it look like something happened to them, but before she could pull off her plan, you and Sam were able to stop her, however she escaped.

"Sam and Bucky are in New York to take that woman down, so I shouldn't feel worried about it anymore," you confidently said, realizing that Bucky promised that there's only woman in his life and that's you.

The two of you started dating a year ago now, but both of you just want to keep it unlabeled for now. But you won't deny the fact that you have been wanting to take it to the next level. There were times when you would ask yourself what is your right to get jealous if there's someone trying to steal your man, he's not even yours to begin with.

"Aren't you guys getting tired of the unlabeled thingy?" Wanda asked you as he closes the folder she's holding, "I mean, no offense, okay? But you clearly like each other. You guys have been dating for a year now and don't you think it's a bit unfair on your part?"

"Unfair, why?" you questioned her. "Wanda, it is also my choice to put it this way. We don't want to rush things about us," you explained.

"Yeah, I know that you guys are confident with your relationship as exclusively dating, but it's better to put label in it. Trust me, you should do it while you still can," she reached for you hand and gave it a squeeze as she smiles at you, "Vis and I didn't have much time. So you and Bucky should make it lasts while you can."

You can sense pain in Wanda's voice. It must've really hard for her to move on and accept her and Vision's fate. If you were in her place, you don't know what will make you stay in your sanity.

Wanda has always been a good friend to you. She has always give you advices and her presence in your life makes you understand the things you were having a hard time understanding, like love itself.

"Do you want some coffee?" Wanda asked you as she stood up from her seat, "I'll probably order some food as well, I'm starving."

Just when Wanda's about to leave to order food and coffee, your phone rang.

B U C K Y calling...

"Seems like your guy cannot live in a day without hearing your voice," Wanda teased before she made her way out, leaving you alone inside the family room.

You grabbed your phone and answered the call of your unofficial boyfriend.

"Hey, I've been texting you, but you're not replying. Are you okay?" he asked as soon as you accepted his call.

"Oh, yeah," you saw the multiple messages that came from him, but you weren't able to see it because you were too preoccupied with the reports and the fact that Sharon Carter is bugging your mind, "Sorry, just got a little mixed up with the mission reports. Wanda and I have been reading it for almost 2 hours."

First of all, you did not want to tell him about your issue with Sharon Carter, although he's already aware of it and he knows already that you got jealous and really angry of her for what happened. Second, you did not want him to feel like you don't trust him.

"How's the mission?" you asked him, changing the topic.

"Well, we finally caught Sharon red-handed. She's in custody right now and the investigation about her will start first thing in the morning tomorrow," he said. Even though they've already taken Sharon down, he and Sam have to stay in New York for a few more days since they have to stay for the investigation, "You, alright?"

You hate it when he knows something's wrong with you or something's bothering your mind. He can already sense it just by the way you breath or speak.

"You know that I know you already, right? So, tell me, what's bothering you?" he questions.

The sigh you let out confirmed his hunch, you're not gonna get away with it anyway so you might as well fire with it. You've always been so honest with him anyway.

"I'm just not so comfortable with the fact that Sharon Carter witch, God, I hope Agent Peggy Carter will forgive me for telling bad words about her niece," you heard him chuckle in the other end. "But God, I can't just forget what she did to you, what she almost did to you."

"You mean when she almost raped me?" he joked.

"Look, Bucky, it's not really funny, okay?" you groaned as you hear him chuckle again on the other line.

"I get it, y/n. Okay? I get it. You have to stop worrying about it, okay? It won't happen ever again. Besides, after this mission, I won't be involved in anything about Sharon anymore. And I also want to take you out again, something that I haven't done for a while now," he reassured you.

It's true that two of you haven't gone on a date for quite some time, as both of you got busy with different things, especially in saving the world and humankind. But it's not really something that bothers you. He still makes you feel special in different ways.

"Buck," you remembered what Wanda advised you and you know you had to open it up to Bucky as soon as you could, "Can we also talk about us when you get back?" you hesitantly asked.

"What do you mean talk about us?" he sounded worried. You closed your eyes as you asked yourself if you did the right thing of opening it up to him this early, "Y/n, do you want us to stop? 'Cause if you do, you can just tell me now."

"Bucky, no," you answered immediately. God knows that's the very last thing you want to happen. You didn't want to lose him. "I just...I...I am...fuck!" you swore, you don't know how to tell him about it.

"Y/n, what's happening? Just tell me so we could do something about it."

You sighed as you prepare yourself to tell everything to him, "I know I was the one who told you and suggested that we should just do the unlabeled relationship because it's much easier that way, and it really was. We did not feel any pressure. We did not feel we have to rush or something, but I just got tired of it. I got tired of it the moment Sharon asked me a few months ago when the incident happened that what is my right to get jealous, to get mad, we're not even in a relationship. It hit me. That question fucking hit me. And here's Wanda telling me how we should make everything last while we can and I feel so guilty that we're taking our time for granted knowing that she and Vision did not get to their happy ending." You took a deep breath and closes your eyes for a second, "I didn't mean to pressure you or anything Bucky, I really don't. I just don't want to take what we have for granted."

After you let your feelings out, it took a few seconds before Bucky could finally answer you. His silence made you nervous but the moment you heard him chuckle, you felt a little relief.

"You're right, we should talk about us when I get back. I should put label to our relationship and I shouldn't make you feel that we're nothing, because you really mean the world to me, y/n. And it's about time we put this whole thing we have in the right pedestal," his words made you ease the embarassment and the awkwardness you're feeling. "Just stop thinking about Sharon, okay? I don't give a damn about her. The whole time I'm away from you all I think is how I would kiss your lips and every inch of your body."

You laughed by the fact that he's thinking of making love to you while he shove off the idea of Sharon Carter or any woman in his life, because there's only one woman in his life and that's you.

"You know I like it when I see you so possessive of me, makes me so eager to fuck you until you realized that you're the only woman I give a fuck," you could clearly hear him he was whispering.

You went out of the family room and went up to your room, giving you more privacy since the man you're talking to right now is starting to propose phone sex.

"Is it just me or you're whispering?" you innocently asked.

"Well, I'm not now. I just got inside my car so," he paused for a moment, "So prepare yourself 'cause I'll make you so wet that you'll wish I'm beside you tonight to attend to your needs."

"You wish," you teased him. "Come home first and I'll cum for you, you tease."

He chuckled, "I'm onto it, sweetheart. I'll ask Sam if I could leave early."

"And what excuse will you tell him?" you asked.

"I'll tell him that I need to make Y/N Y/L/N officially mine, officially my girlfriend. I'll also tell him that there's someone I need to help with her sexual needs," he's joking on the last part but his first sentence made your heart shiver and so excited at the same time.

"That's exciting, and tempting," you teased him back. "Why don't you start pumping your cock and imagine that I'm doing it for you? While I lay here in my bed, thinking of your vibranium fingers making me whimper and moan your fucking name?"

"You're killing me," he groaned and that gave you the sign that he's already pumping himself. "Remind me to punish you for teasing me like this when I get back."

Wanda is right. You should never waste the time you and Bucky have. You should never take anything for granted. Bucky told you that you mean the world to him, and he makes you feel that way, not just sexually, but in romantic way. He would swept you off of your feet. He would do anything for you. That is why if there's someone who'll ask you who are you in James Buchanan Barnes' life, you would just simply answer that you're the love of his life. Too proud to claim it but that's the truth.

No woman can ever make you feel threatened of her anymore, as Bucky claim you his and you claim him as yours day by day, night by night.

-v.dl

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #marvel fanfiction #marvel imagine #marvel

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iuwon · 3 years ago

Note

hello lina!!

🎐anon here,, i'm sorry it took me like a week to reply back..., i had exams this week and i tend to stay off my socmeds during exam week not because i want to focus on studying, no, no, absolutely not but because exams literally suck the soul out of me and i have no energy left to even open my socmeds or indulge in anything 😭, i literally take a 2 hour nap every time i finish one exam paper. so yeah... tough week and i'm glad its over. i have another big exam period starting on nov 16th so i'll have to study hard for that but, guess its freedom for now. anyways!! sorry i ranted too much. first thing i saw when i opened tumblr tonight was your pda hc post and omg 💘💘💘 , you literally never disappoint ?? i love it... especially jake's.... 'that's my girl' bruvv butterflies in my stomach. it's so rewarding to read your writings first thing after exams are over and i can finally open tumblr ㅠㅠ. oh and for the kpop groups i stan question,, i have 2 groups i ult rn which are aespa and enhypen!! i use to ult nct though back in 2018-2020 and i still keep up with them a little. i want to write down a lot more but i think i already said too much hahaha so i'll stop here. and please tell me about your week too 🥺. i want to listen and read about how it went or just little, memorable things that made you happy this week cause yk, i admire you and i want to understand you more

xoxo, 🎐

AHHH HI HI HI BB I REALLY MISSED YOU YOU'RE BACK. BRB SCREAMING

OKAY HOLD ON IM PUTTING A CUT BC THIS IS GONNA BE PRETTY LONG

AND NO NO IT'S ALL GOOD DON'T WORRY !!! priority is always important if not ppl end up like me 😻 I HOPE IT WENT WELL FINGERS CROSSED PRAYING ON MY KNEES THAT YOU GOT THE RESULTS YOU WANTED !! UGHHH tell me about it, exams are so mentally draining and exhausting just thinking about it makes me want to collapse. naps are always essential i live for sleep ✨ seriously i do nothing but fangirl, eat, sleep and study.

AHH NOV 16 THAT'S TOO SOON 😡 personally i need at least like,, 1-2 months of rest before another exam. FOR THE MEANTIME please rest well !!! sleep like a panda and eat like a panda 🤩 don't worry too much to prevent stress because you had it so rough oml :((( seeing how you turned off social media due to how drained you were just proved how much effort you placed into the exams 😼 but please please don't overexert yourself during the next batch of exams !!! i hate exams just for that reason only. make sure to never pressure or stress yourself with negativity no matter what scenario you're doing the best and that's all that matters !! 💞 NO FEEL FREE TO RANT ALL THAT YOU CAN

AGJWFEJFAJJWE OMG THE FACT THAT I WAS THE FIRST POST YOU SAW BACK ON TUMBLR #*%#*$%* IT'S GIVING ME EMOTIONS I'M GONNA YELL. AWEJGJWSK THANK YOU FOR READING AND ENJOYING THE HC WTF YOU'RE SO SWEET ????????? SERIOUSLY WHEN I READ THIS I STARTED SCREAMING AND JUMPING ON MY BED 💀💀

literally reading this is so rewarding like HELP you now and forever will hold the ability to say things that i can't stop thinking about 😭😭 AND OHHH AESPA AND ENHA !!! aespa along w bp and itzy are the gg i stan 😌😌 i used to stan nct too !!! but i somehow got pretty busy so i rarely just watch their videos 😭 i think enha and bts are the only groups that i'm up to date w/ but even so i'm still behind with their updates 💀 AND NOO ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO WRITE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO !!! i really love receiving asks and hearing from you, like honestly, it's so hard to explain 😭

"admire" SQUEAL CRYING EATING WALLS ROLLING SOBBING SCREAMING YELLING HOLLERING WHIMPERING HEART BLEEDING. NO BC THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL W YOU, YOU'RE LITERALLY JUST SO 10000000000% ?@#%?@!???INHALES. EXHALES. one day i will lose my sanity

BUT PLACING SCHOOL ASIDE I HAD A 4 DAY BREAK !! it's just about to end and school is starting tomorrow 🥀 i watched k-dramas w/ my mom, had late-night snacks (i love love love having late-night snacks/noodles it tastes so much better at night), and cooked breakfast for my family for 4 days (not really fun since i had to wake up earlier but at least i can cook) !!! it was so so fun :))

i'm going to the hospital tomorrow though !! our country doesn't allow vaccinations on minors so my doctor is issuing some special treatment to get me one on Friday !! i think i'm getting the faiser (is that how it's spelled HELP) or the moderna one and i'm pretty nervous bc i heard those are pretty painful (I HATE VACCINATIONS i am forever a kid at heart). i have online classes tomorrow so my mom is telling my to bring my phone instead to listen to my classes (a 100% fail but i can't argue against my asian mom). OHHH ALSO i was away from my gadgets the whole 4 days I JUST CAME BACK AND I SAW THE BTS SEASONS GREETINGS 2022 AJFEJGJAWSFJWEJ JIKOOK HELLO ?????????????????????????????? ,,,,, waIT hold on do you stan bts ?? I'M SO SORRY IF I'M JUST SPOUTING OUT NONSENSE <//3 but hmmm other than school i don't really have much going on 😭 currently going to study for my statistics quiz even though it's a rest day today 😡 ANYWHO HOW ARE YOU DOING THOUGH ??? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO WITH YOUR REST ??? OR HALLOWEEN ???

#◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ anonymous!#🎐 anon

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kamosweasley · 4 years ago

Text

Won’t you pull me through ? (Fred and George Weasley)

Description : Amber meet her friend Emily to take a tea and they talk about the war and the twins. It’s inspired by the song Trouble by Cage The Elephant.

Word count : 2.2K

Warning : angst, mention of death, torture, scars, death and mental illness.

Lyrics from Trouble by Cage The Elephant are in italics.

Tag list : @memekingofwwiii

After knocking at the door, Emily entered with her brighter smile. It's been a while since she's had the opportunity to see her friend, the last few months have been a mess in the wizarding world with the death of Voldemort and the end of the war. She's doing her best but she's still overwhelmed, although the smile of Amber makes it all go away within a second.

-Hey love.

-Emily ! It's been a long time since the last time I saw you around ! How are you ?

-Pretty good, things are exhausting lately but we have to deal with it. We're in the middle of reconstruction, it's normal that things are moving fast.

-This is a good thing, this terrible year is finally behind us. Do you know how well the reconstruction is progressing at Hogwarts?

-McGonagall supervises, so it's efficient and almost done. She must be a great principal, she is what the students need after the trauma of war.

-I don't even want to imagine the condition that some people must be in, a whole year being tortured by sadistic deatheaters when they were only children …

The two friends sat down at a table to drink the tea Amber had prepared in advance. There is a silence following Amber's sentence, Emily looking at her with a hint of concern. Rare are the people who have not suffered from war and who do not continue to suffer from it today. Some have experienced more painful things than others, such as Amber who was imprisoned and tortured during the war at the Malfoy mansion. It was in the last month before the Battle of Hogwarts, she was able to escape thanks to Dobby, with Luna and Ollivander. Emily hadn't been able to see her before the Battle of Hogwarts a month later, she didn't seem to have experienced all the horrors she told her afterwards. On the battlefield she looked like a warrior determined to win, even at the risk of her life. She was unstoppable, and she survived. They both survived, not everyone was so lucky.

-Now all these assholes are either in jail or dead. My only regret is not being able to get revenge on Bellatrix before Molly killed her. That bitch left awful scars on me, and since they were made with black magic it can't be removed.

-You talk about it like it's nothing, so you feel better ?

-It was hard at first, the first few weeks after the battle I felt like I didn't recognize myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a stranger. But it's been getting better for a while, I feel good.

-I’m glad to hear it. You know that everyone is worried about you, you haven't had an easy time of it.

-There are some who have been through worse, I keep breathing and I have resumed a normal life. I think I’m doing well. Doesn't it look like it ?

-You seem peaceful … After what happened

-Can we talk about something else ? This war has already hurt us enough, don’t you think so ?

-Obviously.

A little annoyed, Amber finished her cup of tea, her hands slightly shaking. Nothing impressive, but Emily notices it, which awakens the worry inside her. She doesn't know what to do, maybe she should apologize for bringing it up. Obviously the blonde didn't want to talk too long about it. With a fleeting look in her eyes, Amber tucks a strand of her long hair behind her ear. The room suddenly seems to her empty and hostile, she loves Emily but talking about the war remains something that makes her uncomfortable. She much prefers to talk about the future and all the joyful things that await them. This is what helps her get better, telling herself tomorrow will be better and she always has the people she loves with her. She will be able to live that future with them. A smile appears on her face, speaking of joy she immediately thinks of them. Her two rays of sunshine.

-I have received the new catalog from George and Fred's store. Have you seen it ? It's still so colorful, it's good to see all these colors in this sad world. Wait, I'll show it to you, I think I put it over there.

The blonde leaves the table to rummage through the drawers of her dresser as Emily looks at her. We had talked to her about it but she wasn't expecting it, how is it possible ?

-Oh Amber …

-What ? You already saw it ? You can tell me, I'm just trying to talk about my best friends. Maybe you went to the store not long ago, it's still fantastic isn’t it ? This place exudes a good mood, if I could I would spend all of my days there.

-Did you go back ?

-Of course ! George and Fred wouldn't talk to me anymore if I wasn't their best customer. I love them so much, I'm glad the war doesn't change them. They are still funny and malicious, they always have been. You know, I think people don't realize how wonderful they are.

-I have never laughed so much as with them, they have always been very funny.

-You see ? That's what I said. I grew up with them, we did so many silly things together but we had so much fun !

-I know, you had few problems because of them. They always took you in their pranks, you were driving the professors crazy. They found you calm and studious, they didn't understand why you were doing this.

-Do you know this song ? It says “trouble on my left, trouble on my right, I’ve been facing trouble almost all my life.” That’s on growing with George and Fred. You learn to like problems and to be clever enough to make it good.

-I can imagine. Which song is it ?

-Trouble by Cage The Elephant. You should listen to it one day, it’s really great. It reminds me of my friendship with George and Fred.

-Because they always put you in trouble ?

-Not only that, and to be honest I’ve always loved it. These are the best moments of my life, the three of us always had fun as kids. It's not really the same anymore …

The silence remains, for a moment you can see a shadow on Amber's face, revealing suffering. The mask falls, she has not moved on as she claims, she is still haunted by what happened. We can not say that she is an exceptional case, it was war, but Amber is a special case.

-I miss them, they don’t come often but they’re busy with their shop. Business is running for them, they deserve it. They work so hard for their shop.

-Amber, you know very well that their store has not reopened.

-What the hell are you talking about ? Of course it reopened ! I went there, I helped them put everything back in place.

-It's not possible Amber. The store is still closed, and there is no new catalog.

-But I was there! I know it better than you do, I didn't imagine it ! Were you there to help them with the store ? I don't remember seeing you there, so how can you say it's impossible ? You didn't go back to Diagon Alley ? How can you say the store is closed ? It is not closed !

-Amber …

-IT’S NOT CLOSED ! Damn it, where is this damn catalog !

Now she’s crying, all her body is shaking. Her hands are clenched to the chest of drawers, the white knuckles, she’s so tense. It seems as if the slightest word or gesture could make her explode. Unsure of what to do, Emily gets up and starts walking towards her friend. She wants to comfort her, to tell her that everything will be okay, but that would be lying. It’s been a while now and it's not going to get any better visibly. Yet seeing her like this tears her heart out, she wishes there was something she could do to make her feel better.

-I’m sorry Amber.

-Don’t … Don’t say this, you have nothing to be sorry about.

-We both know isn’t true.

-Why did you come ? I thought you wanted to talk like in the good old days, not that you wanted to bring up all the pain. The war has taken something from all of us, it's time to stop it and take it back.

-Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, we can't take back what it took from us. The dead cannot be brought back to life.

-No one should have died.

They can only agree on this point, this war should not have taken place and it should not have taken so many lives. Emily is standing in the middle of the room, Amber still in front of the dresser but she is almost shaking. The tears are already drying on her cheeks but she doesn't seem to care, she keeps scratching the inside of her right hand with her index. Worries fill Emily's thoughts, she feels like she's screwed up all over the place. She was hoping that she could make things better, make Amber feel better, but she's not worried that she's robbed her even more.

-Please leave, I need some quiet.

The blonde takes a cassette from one of the drawers of the chest of drawers, with red eyes she inserts it into a cassette player. The music begins as she leaves the room with a heavy heart. How did her friend get there ? After closing the door, Emily lets out a sigh. Things are worse than she expected, Amber is still in denial. The real version of the story is much sadder than Amber's version. She really escaped the Malfoy mansion in April after being tortured, she wasn’t that good but it’s the Battle of Hogwarts who makes her fall. She was on a fine line, fighting for her survival and to save her loved ones. She was fighting against her own sanity during the battle, every second, every move, every thought was a step forward. She was winning, seeing a glimmer of hope when Voldemort died. Her first reaction was to laugh at having a hard time breathing, it was over, they had won, she had won. So she ran through the castle to find her two best friends, she had seen them during the battle but was unable to join them at that time. They were finally going to be reunited, to be again the trio they always have been. No matter what they had gone through, they had survived and they will be able to rebuild themself together.

Nobody can imagine the pain that hit her when she saw the two dead bodies on the ground. It was like the blast of an explosion, in less than a second her world collapsed. They were all she had, she has been an orphan for years, an only child, Fred and George were all that mattered to her. Thus broke the spirit of the young woman

-She hasn't progressed since May …

-It can take a long time before she may feel ready to accept the truth. She knows it but she needs to do it all again.

-But how much longer ? She's not going to stay locked up here all her life !

-When she accepts reality and gets over it, she can return to live with her family.

-She has no family left, her parents died years ago and she had no one else. And the twins died too ... I'm afraid she has no family left.

The lyrics of the song can be heard through the door, from what she hears, Emily understands how this music speaks so much to Amber. “My sweet love, won’t you pull me through ? Everywhere I look I catch a glimpse of you.” It must be horrible to lose your two best friends, even more when you think of them as your brothers, your last family. She really lost everything that day, even her sanity.

~~~~

“God don’t let me lose my mind.” She sings with this whole heart, eyes closed and serenity filling the room. She knows the lyrics by heart, it became her favorite song because it reminds her of them. When she opens her eyes she faces the twins, sitting at the table. They exchange a mischievous look before looking at her, it's like when they were young. A blink of an eye and they are three children facing each other, mischievous and innocent. Then teenagers, running through Hogwarts to escape Filch, out of breath but having fun. It's only onto the common room they can relax, out of danger. Fred told Amber that it's her turn to do it, so she takes his wand and puts it on the map. Surrounded by his two best friends, Amber open her eyes and as a tear falls, she whispers :

-Mischief managed.

#george weasley #george weasley fic #george weasley imagine #george weasley angst #fred weasley #fred weasley fic #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley angst #weasley twins

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xxisxxisxxis · 5 years ago

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Six

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Five

Read on wattpad here.

Word count: 3.3k

Warning(s): Explicit language, drug abuse, explicit sexual situations

Tag List: @unknownoblivion @sinningsixx @edwardtriggerhandzz @lemmyjelly @haileynicoleseavey17 @cierrasixx19 @oskea93 @mgkobsessed @vamprlestat @sharon6713 @itsametaphorbriansblog @miriampraez @allie-mcginn @rebeccaphillips14 @nicholeh7 @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx @ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard @oldschoolimagineblog @thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog @ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471 @solohqrry @loveofmyloif @sparxx27 @kaitieskidmore1 @xpoisonousrosesx @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @triplehaitches @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg @girlnight-terror @mcnibberachi

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"If you weren't such an asshole, he wouldn't have to take up for me!" I bark at Nikki as he tipsily stumbles around, ranting at me about my "fucking friend not minding his own god damn business" nearly a week ago, as the guys and Doc just look on, not knowing what the hell either of us are talking about.

"I'm an asshole?! Like you don't get me riled up and then play victim?!" He throws at me.

"Like it takes very much to get your tweaked-out ass riled up!" I point at him.

"Bitch!" He sneers out.

"Fuck up!" I hiss back.

Duff wasn't even out of line with Nikki. He had kept calm and advised Nikki to cool down and then come back and talk to me instead of getting himself and me upset.

Nikki hadn't let on if he minded Duff's intervening to defend me, until a week later, because he was taking it as Duff trying to tell him how to be married to me as if he knew me better than Nikki did, which wasn't at all Duff's intention.

Compared to the number I've seen Duff do on guys during a fist fight, Nikki was lucky he didn't lay him out in the driveway. However, he would eventually know what it felt like to be punched in the face by Duff during the "Girls" tour.

Duff was good at keeping his cool until the people he cared about became involved, and if he had been drinking a lot--which, towards the early 90s, that was the case--his temper could surpass mine, and he worried less about legalities and just started decking people as hard as he could.

I knew he struggled with the band, they weren't as close, Steven had been replaced by Matt Sorum, Izzy got sober and began distancing himself to stay sober, and to top off the disconnect from each other, Axl had become God in his own mind, which caused the fans, the band, and the people around him to suffer.

Once I realized his drinking and drug use became so overzealous, our agreement which was arranged out of court, that each of us have two weeks with Monroe a piece, became an arrangement that I had sole custody but took Monroe to visit his father for a few days out of the month. Duff was struggling so badly to keep it together with his mental health, addiction, and ailing of his band, that he didn't really notice I had our son more than he did.

If he had been a baby and wouldn't remember his father throwing back Solo cup after Solo cup of vodka, putting cocaine in the end of his cigarette and smoking it, and not acting like himself, I would have just left Monroe in the care of Tansy (since she was fully sober then) and let him stay around for two weeks.

But he was four when Duff started speeding down hill, and he was picking up on when his dad wasn't talking right and when he was acting weird, everything he saw that no one knew he was paying attention to...then he'd come back to me and Nikki after visiting and tell us about everything he had absorbed like a sponge: uncle Izzy traveling separately from the band, Dad being really cold and shivering until he got some water, uncle Axl not singing until a lot of people went home...that's when I decided to cut back time spent with his father and accompany him through his visits.

At first I thought I would be fine staying the two weeks out of the month with Monroe, but Axl and I couldn't quit fighting a majority of the time (because he was a jackass) and I came to the conclusion that Duff had enough on his plate and didn't need me to add to it by trying to punch Axl every chance I got for two weeks straight. So I cut it back to about five days out the month while they were on tour. When they weren't touring and I didn't have to be around Axl, Monroe and I would stay with Duff for about a week and a half.

Being that Nikki was more conscious than Duff, he took up where Duff had left off in the fathering department from '92-'94. This isn't me bashing the dad of my first child, either. Duff is and always will be a phenomenal father, but he stumbled for a few years, leaving Nikki to become the father Duff was supposed to be until Duff got his shit together, like Duff became the man for me that Nikki was suppose to be until Nikki got his shit together.

"Um..." Vince says, causing the both of us to glare at him. "...Can we rehearse now?"

He, Tommy, Mick and Doc were all patiently waiting for Nikki and I to finish our quarrel.

"Yeah." I sigh out. "Have a good rehearsal. I'll be at Tansy's." I head to the door.

"I hope you crash." Nikki gets one last jab in.

"I hope you OD." I leave them with the slamming of the studio door and step to my car.

Of course I didn't actually want him to OD, I just wanted to hurt him. And I did.

By the time it was time for the U.S. tour of Theater of Pain, our hands were being pinned behind our backs, and Doc was giving us a "get along or there's no Vivian Sixx on the tour" promise.

Although we were in the middle of a small battle and wanted nothing more than for the other person to wave their white flag and beg for forgiveness, Nikki didn't want to imagine going months without seeing me, and I was scared if I wasn't on tour to keep an eye on him, he would take his issues too far.

So we made up for the sake of each other's sanity, but again, never discussed what exactly happened to make us fight to begin with, and just harbored resentment we didn't realize we were holding onto until we started taking it out on each other later on.

The tour starts in upstate New York, then to Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and all went great...until Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Nikki's coming to the side of the stage where me and his tech are standing, and I think he's reaching for some water while Tommy plays his drum solo, but before I can reach down and grab a bottle from the cooler behind me, Nikki's saying words I always dread hearing.

"Help me, dude." He tells his tech, starting to pull his arm out of his navy and white polka-dotted costume.

"What?" I ask Nikki, before my face pales, seeing him pull a needle out of his boot, and a spoon before handing the lump of tar to him. "You cannot be fucking serious?" I spout over the booming of Tommy's playing.

"Nobody out there can fucking see me, Viv, chill out." He tells me as a piece of tar is melted down with a lighter underneath the spoon.

The fact that it's so casual for him to do this in front of me, is startling.

"Nikki, this can't wait?" I try to reason with him as the spoon is discarded to the floor once the gold is sucked up through the needle.

The syringe is handed back to him, and Tommy's solo is nearly over.

I have to squeeze my eyes shut and turn my head as Nikki plunges the needle into his skin, throws up, then stumbles back on stage, nearly missing his cue.

When the drugs started to override his need for a great performance, I knew he was gone.

I get out of the shower, ringing my hair out and running my fingers through it, hearing the phone in the hotel room ring.

When I go to answer it, Nikki and Tommy are grabbing at it, shewing me away.

"Hello?" They both obnoxiously say and I roll my eyes.

The person on the other side of the phone says something.

"Oh, hey, Duff." Nikki smirks, glancing at me and I give him a "you better be fucking nice" look.

"Hey, Buddy." Tommy adds.

"Viv? Yeah, she's here." Nikki tells him and I step to them, reaching my hand out to grab the phone, thinking he's going to give it to me. "Well, she can't really talk right now with my dick down her throat."

My eyes bug out of my head as I tackle Nikki and yank the phone from him while he and Tommy laugh loudly.

"Hello?" I ask.

"Hey, s-sorry to interrupt but I was just gonna call and check how it's been going." Duff replies.

"It's great." I assure him, leaving out the heavy drinking and drug binge Nikki and Tommy have been on.

"How's Nikki been? Is he still pissed at me?"

"No, no, he's been..." I think of what to say. Shooting heroin on stage? Coked out and shooting Jack Daniels with Tommy? "...great." I finally say, seeing Nikki and Tommy biting each others ankles like dogs.

"I'm sorry again if I overstepped, Viv. I didn't mean to, I just got a little pissed." He tells me.

"Duff, he's fine, I promise." I state, seeing Tommy and Nikki start wrestling, completely oblivious to my conversation. "It's fine. I'm use to his tantrums."

"I don't think that's healthy, Viv." He tells me calmly and I let out a breath.

"He's just stressed out, they all are. It'll get better once this tour is done."

"And what happens next tour?" He asks me.

Nikki's affair is outed on television, I try to kill him, your band comes on tour with them, and you get me knocked up...

"I'm hoping he'll be over this hellion phase by then." I admit, Tommy and Nikki each have handfuls of each other's hair, yanking on it, still not paying me any attention.

"Maybe it's not my place, but from outside looking in, I'm worried about you, Viv."

"I know, I know, but there's no need to." I reassure him.

He let's out a breath, knowing he can't win, and gives up for now.

"I feel like the fucking brick wall you argue with." He tells me and I smile, rubbing my lips together, before seeing Nikki and Tommy finish their play fighting, standing up, looking like they're about to leave.

"Hey, I gotta go but I'll call you when we get to the next city, alright?" I tell him.

"Oh, yeah, that sounds good." He replies. "Goodnight, love you."

"Love you, too." I reply before hanging up just as Nikki and Tommy sneak to the door. "Where do you two think you're going?" I ask and they freeze.

"Uh, well..." Tommy stutters to come up with an excuse, but Nikki just doesn't give a shit.

"Score some stuff." He tells me and I cross my arms over my towel.

"Nikki--"

"Tommy, can you give us a second?" Nikki says it like the answer can't be "no."

Tommy just raises his brows a little and nods.

"Sure, man, I'll be in my room when you're ready." He tells him, stepping out.

Nikki shuts the door behind him and I wait for him to start a fight, my brow raised, an expression of "can't wait to hear what audacious bullshit comes out of your mouth this time" is plastered all over my face when he turns around.

As far as I can tell, he hasn't snorted, shot up or smoked anything in the past hour and a half, which means I'm not facing the absolute devil that goes by the name "Sikki" and is Nikki's evil, drug loaded, irritable, mean, scary, abusive, demonic, sadistic, cruel, vindictive, disgusting alter-ego.

Nikki rolls his jaw a little with each step to me, but I don't cower back, waiting for him to say whatever it is he is going to say.

His hands bunch at my towel, pulling me against him.

He doesn't say a word, and I keep my arms crossed until he holds back the inkling of a smirk, leaning down to press a small kiss where my shoulder and neck meet.

I know what he's doing, because I do it to him all the time: using sex to get what he wants.

I bite my tongue to keep from moaning when we realizes I'm not budging and ups the anti, the tip of his tongue making slow, figure-eights in the same spot.

I feel like someone's knocked the back of my knees loose with a baseball bat, and I have to uncross my arms and hold tightly to him to keep from falling down.

He completely engulfs me in his arms at the sound of me letting out a whimper, my fingers grabbing at his hair, my legs rubbing themselves together to aid some relief.

His hands pull at my towel, discarding it to the floor, pressing his lips along my chest, over my breast, running his tongue around my nipple skillfully.

Hands run themselves between my legs while teeth carnally tug and bruise my skin, sending a wave of heat from my chest to my dripping core.

His mouth moves to my other nipple, but my real undoing is when his teeth trail down to the rib below my right breast, and bite down.

I gasp out, arching into him, my head tips back as he adds a bruise to the skin there that's already scarred with his teeth imprints collected over the years.

He smooths his tongue over the bite before trailing down my stomach, pressing to my pubic bone.

He pulls one of my legs over his shoulder as he gets on his knees, pressing gentle kisses down my inner thigh.

My chest is heaving with loss of breath as he looks me in the eyes and runs tongue from my entrance to my clit.

I dig my nails into his hands that hold steady at my waist as the slick sound and euphoric feeling of his tongue lacing back and forth and side to side against the sensitive nerve endings.

He pulls away for a moment, only to spit between my legs and suck it off my pussy, making my one standing leg go numb at the sensation.

Shallow pants leave my mouth as I start moving in rhythm with him, one of my hands reaching for his hair, pulling at it.

He takes one of his hands from me before rubbing it against my folds, getting his fingers wet, and sliding them into me.

The thick, fullness has my walls tightening around the two digits, eager to please myself as his tongue massages my clit, and my fingers come up to play with my own nipples.

"Nikki." I let out shakily, his fingers curling inside of me, pulling back out, pushing back in only to repeat. "Fuck, you do it so good." I praise hoarsely, one of my hands going back to his hair.

His tongue picks up it's pace, sending my heart rate into overdrive as his fingers keep up with the pace.

He knows exactly what he's doing, smirking up at me when his fingers hit the spot, my throat unable to contain the loud but curt moan that the people in the room next to us can probably hear as I milk his fingers as if they're his cock and my orgasm gets closer and closer.

He pulls his mouth away, licking his lips, before using the pad of his thumb from his other hand to rapidly rub at my swollen flesh.

I grip around his fingers so tightly it falters his ability to move them as well, and he lets out a little groan.

"I wish I could be three places at one time." He comments.

If he could be three places in me at one time I would be wrapped around him 24/7.

"C'mon, Viv, I'm getting really thirsty here." He says gruffly, that fucking smirk pulling at a corner of his mouth, as I throw my head back, letting out another loud moan, so close to my end I can taste it.

His hazel eyes looking up at me in adoration as I curl my toes and come so hard I see black dots.

He's taking his fingers out of me, grabbing at my ass with both hands, pulling me into him and licking every last drop of cum from me before I collapse on top of him, the both of us landing on the floor.

He let's out a laugh as I try to catch my breath, my chest pressed against his, my hands holding at his biceps.

"Are you okay?" He asks me, proudly, and I nod.

"I just need a minute..." I can barely get out in a rasp.

After about five minutes, I'm getting off of him and pulling myself onto the foot of the bed.

He stands up, too, stepping to my suitcase, tossing me one of his shirts he gave to me.

"Thank you." I say to him quietly and pull it on and when he pulls his jacket on, I know he's about to go out to get some more smack.

This terrifies me and tears come to my eyes.

"I'll be back in..." He stops talking, furrowing his brows, looking at me. "...Viv?"

I shake my head a little, waving him off.

"I'm fine, babe." I try to tell him.

"Vivian, why're crying." He asks me.

"I-I think I'm about to start my period." I lie, sniffling. "I'm just being over-emotional."

"Are you sure?"

I nod.

"I'll be back in a couple hours, alright?"

I nod again.

"Alright, I'll see you later." He tells me, wiping my tears with his thumb before pressing his lips to mine for a few seconds, and walking out the door.

When I envisioned my life when I was little, getting married at nineteen, having three miscarriages by the time I was twenty-one, having an addict husband, and spending a majority of my nights sleeping alone—which is one thing I absolutely hated to do—was not at all how I dreamt of my life being when I grew up.

But there I was.

Night after night.

City after city.

Alone.

In pain.

Broken.

Silent.

With not a single soul knowing about it.

It's been four hours and Nikki still isn't back.

Restless, I turn over to read the digital alarm clock.

4:02a.m.

Sighing out, I get out of the bed and go to my suitcase to grab a pair of panties and slip them on, before grabbing one of Nikki's shirts from his bag that smells like him.

I leave the hotel room and head next door to Vince's room, knocking on the door.

After several attempts, the door opens to reveal a very confused, half asleep, blonde girl that isn't Sharise—who's baby is due any day now.

"Hi." I say, hushly, pushing past her. "Did you guys do anything in the bed?" I ask her once I'm standing by the bed and she rubs her eyes, still in a haze.

She mumbles something that sounds like "the shower" and I hold out my room key to her.

"You can go sleep in my bed. Room 223." I say.

She doesn't ask questions, she just wants to go back to sleep.

Once she shuts the door, I'm patting around the mattress to avoid laying on Vince.

I slip in where she was, Vince's back to me.

I seperate his naked body from me by laying on top of the sheet, just letting the comforter guard me from the cool air from the vent, and actually snuggle closer to him, my forehead pressing against his back as I hold Nikki's shirt close to me like it's my sacred baby blanket, and drift off.

#nikki sixx #tommy lee #vince neil #mötley crüe #the dirt

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cinnonym · 6 years ago

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All of you:

Me: Oh, sure you can have that SQ fic from Robin Hood's POV, absolutely no problem, here you go:

The sheets are impossibly soft as I shuffle against them, soft and silky and way too comfortable for me to find sleep in. Years of making camp on mossy patches in the forest, never completely bare of sticks that press against the back at night, have accustomed my body to rough, imperfect underground and even the few nights I've actually spent in taverns or inns couldn't have prepared me for the luxury of this world. Thick bouncy mattresses and materials called polyester or elastane are as foreign to me as the twangy accent the people from the first curse have. Even Regina has picked it up, the tendency to pronounce the Rs like nobody did back in the Enchanted Forest, sharp and rolling, like stones scraping.

I groan as I turn to my side, a sudden pain shooting through my spine. The caving bed is poison for my back, but Regina loves it like that, enormous and fluffy for her to sink in. Her body is but a silhouette in the dark, the moon shining just bright enough through the shades for my eyes to make out the curve of her hip, pronounced even through the thick blanket. Regina is facing away from me, curled into herself like usual, breathing heavily and unevenly. Her hair is splayed over her pillow, gleaming black against the white and if I leaned over I would see her eyelashes painting a similar shadow against her cheek. She really is magnificent, even in her brokenness, and I have to remind myself again that she's not mine to fix.

As if she heard my thoughts, Regina starts murmuring. She's doing that a lot these days, almost every night, at first quietly, making it impossible to understand her words, than growing louder and louder still until she's screaming. It's always the same routine, and it's always the same couple of sentences: "No! There has to be another way." Sobs. And then "I love you."

It has taken me a while to figure out the meaning of it all. At first I was flattered, thought she meant me, thought this was her way of telling me what she couldn't say at day. At first I thought the eerie déjà vu I got from the phrasing, the feeling to have heard Regina say those exact words before, came from unconsciously listening to her while sleeping myself. Until Emma crossed my way through town, smiling wearily in the arms of her boyfriend, a faint shadow of the vibrant person I had met when I first came here. Now rings have formed under her eyes, almost identical to those Regina has after a particularly hag-ridden night.

Almost a year has passed since the blonde became the Dark One, since she more or less jumped into the black vortex that enclosed Regina and thrust the dagger forward, tethering her soul to it forever. Except forever apparently doesn't apply to saviours because barely two months later Emma got rid of the darkness already and, except for the incident in the realm we call Underbrooke, has lived fairly normally since. Most people have already forgotten about the time of Dark Swan, even I find it hard to remember that particular period sometimes. Hell, even Emma has seemingly forgotten most of it, though Regina claims she's still dealing with the aftereffects of wielding that huge amount of power and fighting not to succumb to it.

And there lies the problem really. Regina is the one still thinking, still worrying about the darkness affecting Emma. Regina is the one still dreaming of the night Emma sacrificed herself and Regina is the one still regretting not to have acted, not to have told Emma what she now cries out almost every night.

"I love you," Regina sobs next to me and some weeks ago my heart would have clenched. I was furious, sad, confused, most of all shocked. Soulmates are said to be an insurance of kinds, your true love, presented to you in a flourish, nicely wrapped in tattoos and pixie dust. They're not supposed to be in love with someone else, they're supposed to be your perfect match.

One week and four nightmares after my realisation, I had enough. When she started murmuring again, I seized her shoulders, shook her awake in tears, demanding answers.

"What are you even talking about," she mumbled, still half-asleep, and she was confused herself about the wetness on her cheeks and pillow. I stopped asking her after that, it was clear she knew less about what was going on than me.

And still the dreams continued, startling me awake when I managed to find sleep for once, until my body learned to stay awake during the hours when they usually occur. I tried to comfort Regina, but she slapped my arm away, thrashing around until I retreated into my half of the bed, at which point she curled back into herself and returned to sobbing. I tried to talk to her about what she saw at night in the mornings, only to find that though she awakes grouchy and tired she's entirely oblivious to the reason for it. There was nothing I could do for her, except hoping she would get better soon.

She didn't and so, for her own good, I have to let her go.

Everything is planned. I met Emma the other day, asked her in Regina's name to stay over at the mansion, told Regina that Emma asked for a sleepover. Only by making each believe it was the other's wish, I could convince them both to agree, and now Emma is sleeping in the guest's room across the corridor.

I fold back the heavy covers and tiptoe to the door. Regina's still crying behind me and for a moment I feel a pang of guilt for leaving her like this. But then the "I love you"s begin again and I know that for her and also my own sanity I have to go.

So I slip out of the door, leaving it slightly ajar, and make my way to Emma's door. I've already lifted my hand to knock, when it swings open and there's Emma, hair tangled and clearly just awoken, nonetheless staring at me with the urgent look she only gets when either Henry or Regina are in danger. Henry or Regina and oh, I should have understood it way earlier, but I've been blinded by pixie dust and a fairy's promise.

"Is that Regina crying? What are you doing here? Does she need help?"

For someone who threatened to hurt anyone who dared to wake her up before nine in the morning, Emma seems very harmless in her spate of questions. However, the force with which she pushes me away is to be reckoned with and it confirms me in my belief that I'm doing the right thing by stepping aside and playing the helpless boyfriend.

"I don't know what's happening. She started crying and screaming, but she won't wake up, do you know what to do?"

Just as I anticipated, Emma all but runs through the door, not even hesitating at the threshold as she would normally, wary to set foot in private chambers. But not now, not when Regina needs her help, and she kneels beside the bed and takes Regina's trembling hand, whispering soothingly words I can't make out. Miraculously, Regina calms, sobbing quieter until finally, she stills.

"Emma?" She suddenly murmurs, half-asleep yet but quickly coming to. I didn't expect this but it fits quite well with my plans, exceeds my hopes to be at least stooge for my soulmate's happy ending.

"I'm here, Regina," Emma whispers back, softer than I've ever heard her talk, and she strokes Regina's sweaty brow and caresses her cheeks. I can only see her profile but the devotion in her eyes is clear as day and it is time for me to leave.

Silently, using all my skills as a thief to not disturb the two women, I turn around and head towards the stairs. Except I'm stopped before I can reach them, by a pale hand and Henry's tousled shock of hair.

"I heard Mom scream," he says under his breath, the same urgency in his voice as in Emma's before. "Is she alright?"

"She will be," I reply, "Emma is with her."

Henry calms, then looks at me with eyes far too wise for a boy of his age and nods solemnly.

"Robin Hood, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. You were never one to keep treasures for yourself."

I shrug, refusing to look back to the door that's still slightly ajar, and smile wistfully.

"You know she was never mine to begin with."

"See ya around Robin," Henry says after a pause and we both know this is goodbye. I will come back to the mansion, but if everything goes according to plan, it will never be the same again. I hope that Regina and I can be friends, were still soulmates after all, but I also feel that my heart will need time to heal before I can see her with Emma.

"Bye Henry. I'll send Little John to pick up Roland tomorrow morning."

Henry looks back at the smaller boy, allowed to sleep on a folding bed next to Henry's. He lies with a blissful smile on his face and I feel the familiar tug of guilt about forcing him to grow accustomed to yet another difficult family situation.

"He'll be fine," Henry whispers and I finally turn and descend the stairs. The front door is locked and I use my lockpicks to make sure it is again after I let myself out. Storybrooke's streets are deserted as I slowly make my way home to the woods.

The next day I get a message from Henry, the phone Regina talked me into pinging obnoxiously loud in the peaceful silence of the trees. I flip it open and the screen comes alive with the photo the boy sent me. It shows Regina's bed and on it two women, one blonde and one brunette, curled into each other. It's hard to make out in the pixels but it looks like both are smiling. Underneath, Henry just wrote two words:

"Thank you."

#ouat #once upon a time #swanqueen #my writing #fanfiction #robin hood

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eternallybroken7604-blog · 6 years ago

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We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)

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