#[ i want to go thru my thread list & my inbox as well bc things are so cluttered

[lunaetis]

[ i'm finally home ! before i get to writing for the night, i'm going to be doing some following cleaning & updating my mains & exclusive page, removing & adding some dynamics i've formed ! so bear with me a bit on that ! ]

[rosepetalwritings]

I really just wish you could see...

My first insecurities started before we even got to meet her, with me not getting to see any of the tinder messages, her thinking it was both of us talking to her until it was clarified. To this day I have no idea what was in those messages and I missed out on what was supposed to be our first real conversation/first impression of her. My first impression of this entire relationship was feeling excluded & a bit hurt; both bc of the Tinder messages and what followed…

You saw her naked first, without me. (Pacman nipple convo)

Then she saw you "naked" first, without me. (Dick pic)

Either bc you didn't want to say no, or didn't know how, despite us always talking about being on even playing fields going into this entire endeavor, it happened, and even tho you've given your reasons, it still made, and still makes me feel like y'all had a "head start". It hurt my feelings and we talked about not doing sexual/nudity stuff without me again. I tried to put my fears to rest and kept trying to not feel excluded.

And then, in the infancy of introducing someone else to our relationship, I left you alone with her for hours and hours while I went to work, without me. Putting everything inside me screaming not to be hurt or complain- aside, bc it wasn't anyone's fault that y'all got all this extra time, and I felt selfish for even feeling like this, and guilty for thinking that anything else would happen, even tho there are still times where I'm convinced y'all are fucking behind my back and have been the whole time.

And during that time, You came in her mouth, without me, the morning after I told y'all we should wait bc you had JUST got out of the hospital, and apparently couldn't wait until we 3 were together, even tho I worked until 2 or 4 that day... & Since then you have used that same illness as a reason to not fuck ME, that doesn't feel good.

& after you came in her mouth without me, you sat there & casually told me after, as if it were no big thing.. Now any time I bring it up, I get Kalap thrown in my face, even though we've supposedly done so much growing in between that horrific mistake, and when this incident happened, and I've apologized and tried to make up every single day for it, especially since that ring got put on my finger. Like I get that you're still hurt, but that doesn't invalidate how horrible I feel about all of it, or this entire thing.

 So then I get told, for months, it'll be different when she has her own place and it'll be easier for me to make up time with her, bc that's all we can do to try to help me feel better about alll of these things, I held out hope that we could somehow "catch up" without violating any of our/your boundaries. 

 So she gets her own place & I try ask for the next best thing, just having a full day to exist alone with her, no sexual stuff, just hanging out.. I got 4ish hours, and to get even that, I had to let you have a 9 hour day with her, and even tho "it wasn't even about her", somehow when I still wanted to match times, when we had previously agreed on doing so, had you slamming shit down and passive agressively threatening to walk all the way home since you didn't find a ride, & even more upset with me. until this pandemic, I have literally not spent any alone time with her unless it was rushed, in a car, or running to do errands. Like I get that your "date" was more about getting you out of the house, and I'm glad we got to do that for you, but for me, our date was supposed to be somehow making up for all of these things I've just listed, and to this day we still haven't gotten that.

I've never gotten to do anything like that with her, or have had any type of sexual intimacy with her without you, which is how it SHOULD be, but y'all have gotten these things. I never got the option, or opportunity, despite the fact that you two have and did, but trying to find any sort of middle ground has been impossible.

Both of us working was supposed to try to fix that, but then I'm sitting there with her chatting and very casually, as if it were nothing new, says you smoked a bong with her while she showered. That really broke my heart. I have so many problems with this.

1. That's something We do... What are we gonna have left that's just ours if you keep handing pieces of our life away without talking to me about them?

2.Why is it I'VE never even seen her naked without you/when you've been asleep/at work?

3. Why do y'all seem to think this would be okay when we have discussed these boundaries a few different times now? But somehow, some way, these things keep happening between you two, & I'm just... supposed to be okay with it?? And somehow not feel like I'm "behind"?

4. Now all I can do is sit here and wonder if y'all have been fucking behind my back this whole time, or how many more times you've seen her naked without me that I don't know about. Especially since the few condoms that were left are now missing.

And that phone thing... Could you have been more clearly nervous about me playing a game on your phone? That looked super sketchy to me, the way you watched everything I did. I saw your inbox when your mom messaged and I went to close them. So I went to your inbox this morning and all your messages are cleared, more specifically, Baby Girls thread is gone. That looked even more sketchy to me, especially since I had a weird feeling about your demeanor when I had the phone. You say I can go thru your phone whenever I want, but the one time I even thouch it in months, you get super fidgety and sit there watching me, then clean out your inbox after I go to bed? And then you lied to me??? You tried telling me you did it last night at work, but last night there were at least 4 more threads than this morning. What else have you lied about?

These are all actual happenstances, this isn't a perception thing. So whenever I say I feel behind, these things are exactly what I mean. Y'all have had more sexual/intimate connections than her and I ever have, or could, as well as had regular alone time this entire time, and we can't manage to fix that, and now more shit just keeps building up since you two can't seem to follow the boundaries we've all agreed on a few times now...

I genuinely don't understand how I'm NOT supposed to feel behind when these are the Literal facts of our relationship, but every time I bring them up I end up feeling like it's my fault, or that I'm misconstruing the entire thing, or that I'm being too complicated, complaining too much, or being selfish, or you try to offer some extreme opposite "solution" that either wont logistically work or makes all of us unhappy, which makes me feel even more guilty, even tho I'm not the one that broke these boundaries in the first place, or at all, and I end up dropping everything I've said when the fact of the matter is that if these boundaries didn't keep getting broken, I'd be in bit better of a mental space to be with y'all. I've lost my trust bc of these things.

I don't know how to get you two to see my side and it's tearing me apart.

But I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that you and her might just always have a stronger connection than her and I, and while I know that you and I have the strongest connection, it still hurts. and I'm not sure how to deal with all of this.

[mjm56-a]

HOW I RUN MY BLOG

Speed:          i can be..... SO SLOW when replying to threads. it honestly just depends on my mental health for the day and if i feel capable enough to write. i can easily range from “i will reply to this thread Immediately” to “the bubonic plague has overtaken my physical form and its gonna take me a few weeks to get to it”. same goes for asks as well, but im always active on discord if u want to yell @ me

Replies:       my replies usually stay in my drafts; as soon as i get to see ur reply to our thread, i save it to my drafts to make sure i dont lose it. i post them as soon as theyre ready and i dont rlly utilize my queue for things reply-wise-- mostly just for aesthetics, art, promos, etc. they can get.. way too lengthy tbh and i always tag my threads as “long thread //” as soon as the writing starts to exceed the length of the web browser. i cant really HELP IT, i just have a tendency to write a lot abt the thoughts of my muse . i apologize if this comes off as prose;  i try my hardest not to go into that territory and to make sure my replies are as coherent as possible

Starters:      as for starter calls, i can get super sidetracked, especially when i have 5+ people liking them and expecting from me, and i know that i say “ough this could range from a sentence to a paragraph” but i know DAMN well im gonna be writing a paragraph for every person because one liners just feel so..... dry to me??  even with this making starters arent really my strongest suit

Inbox:        my inbox is always open for mutuals for interactions, questions abt maji, or jokes! all that i ask is that PLEASE only come into my inbox for interactions if we mutually follow each other. i dont care if we previously interacted mutuals are ALWAYS welcome to come in and fuck around!!

Selectivity:           i’m mutually exclusive, first and foremost.  i don’t how how to really describe my selectivity-- usually, if you have a tagging system, a rules page, an about, and arent flooding ur blog with so much ooc that the ic feels rare, ill be following you, even if i dont know much about the franchise.  (all excluding the communities listed in my rules that i wont interact with LOL)

Wishlist:         I WANNA WRITE MY YAKUZ//A 0 VERSES!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! i know that pretentious yaku/za fans are like “uumgmghhh y0 is so overrated uumgmghh uugg” but GOD!!!! y0 will always be super close to my heart, as it was the game that got me into the series and ever since i started this blog i’ve been super excited to one day get to write my ponytailed depressed idiot !!!! i know i love angst and sad shit but i also rlly wanna highkey write goofy shit too-- maji is a goofy clown ass bitch and i wanna write him being a goofy clown ass bitch, yfeel???? i wanna write my clown!!! the majim/a circus is back in town!!

Honest Note:         i feel afraid that im putting off mutuals from interacting with me, kinda afraid im intimidating but PLEEASSEE let me assure u im Baby. i am Baby Fucking Idiot. i know for a fact that there are people who are intimidated by interacting w muses from the series in general simply bc theres so much content but PLEEASE feel free to ask me any questions abt the games that u want in order to have a better understanding of them bc ill probably be able to answer them-- im almost done w/ dead souls, a good portion thru 5 and i recently started 6 but im waiting to complete 5 before i go on with beating it, yknow?? just know that if im following u and ur following me back, that means i am interested in writing and interacting and this is an invitation for u to bother me or slide into my inbox or dms to talk!!! i love u

Tagged by:  stolen bc im a filthy filthy thief Tagging:   steal it !