#[ i just wanted someone on my dash the old Tumblr fashion way were you follow people because you just like their content. ]

[spiderwarden]

*draws gun on the dash* and for the love of God, don't ever softblock me. I loathe that. I have structured my blog to people I like, if you want to unfollow me just unfollow. we don't have to be mutuals for me to enjoy your content.

[centaurianthropology]

I never respond to these @staff​ posts, because they’re generally stupid or optional changes.  The website may be broken, but they’re desperately trying to be TikTok with their Live feature (and not even giving us a way to permanently disable it yet!).  I feel like these social media companies must be run by idiots, so I’m going to try to explain this in simple words:

If we wanted Tumblr to be TikTok or Twitter or Instagram or whatever other Algorithm-driven hellhole, we would be at that website and not here.  They are already doing that thing, and doing it likely better than Tumblr ever would.  The thing Tumblr has is its ‘outdated’ focus on the user experience being completely able to be tailored to the user’s interests.  We are not here to see the twenty latest sweatshop-made fast fashion outfits some vlogger is trying on, or see some viral dance.  Those exist elsewhere.  We are here for weird essays, long chains of meta, screaming about ships, art, collages, whatever.  We’re here for decade-running memes about rats and crabs and skeletons.  We are here because this place isn’t like any other place.  I am able to go to my Dash and see only the people I follow, and what they’ve said chronologically.  It’s encouraged the culture of Tumblr that it’s great to mine someone’s blog for years-old posts and reblog them because they’re still awesome, and everyone is happy that their old posts are still getting interacted with.  

An algorithm kills that.  It turns this place from a weird collection of interesting blogs doing their thing with other interesting blogs that they discover organically through tag interactions to a Popular Kids hellscape where we get Influencers, and our dashes become unusable because we have garbage we were never interested in shoved in our face by an algorithm that keeps shoveling that shit no matter how many times we tell it to stop.  It kills the sense of community that develops because people came together simply through happenstance and shared interests.  It kills the fact that there are no Influencers, because you can literally be a “Big User” and not even know it.  I don’t look at my follower count.  I have no idea what my metrics are, and I do not give a single shit about any of that clout-chasing terribleness.  I don’t want Tumblr to become some clout-based economy where people would garrotte one another and desperately try to mudsling and bad-faith argue their way into success like I see on Twitter.  I don’t want some impersonal endless feed of boring posts like on Instagram, and I desperately do not want to see us become the doom spiral that is Reddit.

Tumblr is unique.  Instead of constantly trying to chase some other social media model of ‘success’, maybe just try being the best weird Tumblr you can?  Maybe fix the bugs and let this place remain the haven from the worst parts of Social Media that it has been for the now almost-decade I’ve been here.  Why don’t you try that instead of being a bargain-basement imitation of some other Social Media website?  Hmm??

Tumblr’s Core Product Strategy

Here at Tumblr, we’ve been working hard on reorganizing how we work in a bid to gain more users. A larger user base means a more sustainable company, and means we get to stick around and do this thing with you all a bit longer. What follows is the strategy we're using to accomplish the goal of user growth. The @labs group has published a bit already, but this is bigger. We’re publishing it publicly for the first time, in an effort to work more transparently with all of you in the Tumblr community. This strategy provides guidance amid limited resources, allowing our teams to focus on specific key areas to ensure Tumblr’s future.

The Diagnosis

In order for Tumblr to grow, we need to fix the core experience that makes Tumblr a useful place for users. The underlying problem is that Tumblr is not easy to use. Historically, we have expected users to curate their feeds and lean into curating their experience. But this expectation introduces friction to the user experience and only serves a small portion of our audience. 

Tumblr’s competitive advantage lies in its unique content and vibrant communities. As the forerunner of internet culture, Tumblr encompasses a wide range of interests, such as entertainment, art, gaming, fandom, fashion, and music. People come to Tumblr to immerse themselves in this culture, making it essential for us to ensure a seamless connection between people and content. 

To guarantee Tumblr’s continued success, we’ve got to prioritize fostering that seamless connection between people and content. This involves attracting and retaining new users and creators, nurturing their growth, and encouraging frequent engagement with the platform.

Our Guiding Principles

To enhance Tumblr’s usability, we must address these core guiding principles.

Expand the ways new users can discover and sign up for Tumblr.

Provide high-quality content with every app launch.

Facilitate easier user participation in conversations.

Retain and grow our creator base.

Create patterns that encourage users to keep returning to Tumblr.

Improve the platform’s performance, stability, and quality.

Below is a deep dive into each of these principles.

Principle 1: Expand the ways new users can discover and sign up for Tumblr.

Tumblr has a “top of the funnel” issue in converting non-users into engaged logged-in users. We also have not invested in industry standard SEO practices to ensure a robust top of the funnel. The referral traffic that we do get from external sources is dispersed across different pages with inconsistent user experiences, which results in a missed opportunity to convert these users into regular Tumblr users. For example, users from search engines often land on pages within the blog network and blog view—where there isn’t much of a reason to sign up. 

We need to experiment with logged-out tumblr.com to ensure we are capturing the highest potential conversion rate for visitors into sign-ups and log-ins. We might want to explore showing the potential future user the full breadth of content that Tumblr has to offer on our logged-out pages. We want people to be able to easily understand the potential behind Tumblr without having to navigate multiple tabs and pages to figure it out. Our current logged-out explore page does very little to help users understand “what is Tumblr.” which is a missed opportunity to get people excited about joining the site.

Actions & Next Steps

Improving Tumblr’s search engine optimization (SEO) practices to be in line with industry standards.

Experiment with logged out tumblr.com to achieve the highest conversion rate for sign-ups and log-ins, explore ways for visitors to “get” Tumblr and entice them to sign up.

Principle 2: Provide high-quality content with every app launch.

We need to ensure the highest quality user experience by presenting fresh and relevant content tailored to the user’s diverse interests during each session. If the user has a bad content experience, the fault lies with the product.

The default position should always be that the user does not know how to navigate the application. Additionally, we need to ensure that when people search for content related to their interests, it is easily accessible without any confusing limitations or unexpected roadblocks in their journey.

Being a 15-year-old brand is tough because the brand carries the baggage of a person’s preconceived impressions of Tumblr. On average, a user only sees 25 posts per session, so the first 25 posts have to convey the value of Tumblr: it is a vibrant community with lots of untapped potential. We never want to leave the user believing that Tumblr is a place that is stale and not relevant. 

Actions & Next Steps

Deliver great content each time the app is opened.

Make it easier for users to understand where the vibrant communities on Tumblr are. 

Improve our algorithmic ranking capabilities across all feeds. 

Principle 3: Facilitate easier user participation in conversations.

Part of Tumblr’s charm lies in its capacity to showcase the evolution of conversations and the clever remarks found within reblog chains and replies. Engaging in these discussions should be enjoyable and effortless.

Unfortunately, the current way that conversations work on Tumblr across replies and reblogs is confusing for new users. The limitations around engaging with individual reblogs, replies only applying to the original post, and the inability to easily follow threaded conversations make it difficult for users to join the conversation.

Actions & Next Steps

Address the confusion within replies and reblogs.

Improve the conversational posting features around replies and reblogs. 

Allow engagements on individual replies and reblogs.

Make it easier for users to follow the various conversation paths within a reblog thread. 

Remove clutter in the conversation by collapsing reblog threads. 

Explore the feasibility of removing duplicate reblogs within a user’s Following feed. 

Principle 4: Retain and grow our creator base.

Creators are essential to the Tumblr community. However, we haven’t always had a consistent and coordinated effort around retaining, nurturing, and growing our creator base.  

Being a new creator on Tumblr can be intimidating, with a high likelihood of leaving or disappointment upon sharing creations without receiving engagement or feedback. We need to ensure that we have the expected creator tools and foster the rewarding feedback loops that keep creators around and enable them to thrive.

The lack of feedback stems from the outdated decision to only show content from followed blogs on the main dashboard feed (“Following”), perpetuating a cycle where popular blogs continue to gain more visibility at the expense of helping new creators. To address this, we need to prioritize supporting and nurturing the growth of new creators on the platform.

It is also imperative that creators, like everyone on Tumblr, feel safe and in control of their experience. Whether it be an ask from the community or engagement on a post, being successful on Tumblr should never feel like a punishing experience.

Actions & Next Steps

Get creators’ new content in front of people who are interested in it. 

Improve the feedback loop for creators, incentivizing them to continue posting.

Build mechanisms to protect creators from being spammed by notifications when they go viral.

Expand ways to co-create content, such as by adding the capability to embed Tumblr links in posts.

Principle 5: Create patterns that encourage users to keep returning to Tumblr.

Push notifications and emails are essential tools to increase user engagement, improve user retention, and facilitate content discovery. Our strategy of reaching out to you, the user, should be well-coordinated across product, commercial, and marketing teams.

Our messaging strategy needs to be personalized and adapt to a user’s shifting interests. Our messages should keep users in the know on the latest activity in their community, as well as keeping Tumblr top of mind as the place to go for witty takes and remixes of the latest shows and real-life events.  

Most importantly, our messages should be thoughtful and should never come across as spammy.  

Actions & Next Steps

Conduct an audit of our messaging strategy.

Address the issue of notifications getting too noisy; throttle, collapse or mute notifications where necessary.  

Identify opportunities for personalization within our email messages. 

Test what the right daily push notification limit is. 

Send emails when a user has push notifications switched off.

Principle 6: Performance, stability and quality.

The stability and performance of our mobile apps have declined. There is a large backlog of production issues, with more bugs created than resolved over the last 300 days. If this continues, roughly one new unresolved production issue will be created every two days. Apps and backend systems that work well and don't crash are the foundation of a great Tumblr experience. Improving performance, stability, and quality will help us achieve sustainable operations for Tumblr.

Improve performance and stability: deliver crash-free, responsive, and fast-loading apps on Android, iOS, and web.

Improve quality: deliver the highest quality Tumblr experience to our users. 

Move faster: provide APIs and services to unblock core product initiatives and launch new features coming out of Labs.

Conclusion

Our mission has always been to empower the world’s creators. We are wholly committed to ensuring Tumblr evolves in a way that supports our current users while improving areas that attract new creators, artists, and users. You deserve a digital home that works for you. You deserve the best tools and features to connect with your communities on a platform that prioritizes the easy discoverability of high-quality content. This is an invigorating time for Tumblr, and we couldn’t be more excited about our current strategy.

[fizzyxcustard]

Fear and Loathing (3)

Chapter 1  Chapter 2

Read on AO3

Tumblr Masterlist of all fics

Fandom: seaQuest 2032

Summary: (Part 2 of The Right Thing - this will be a chaptered fic) Captain Hudson knows that you and Lucas are more than just friends, and after changing your shift rotations to make sure you’re not on duty together, you take things into your own hands and request a transfer from seaQuest. Before your transfer can be processed, officers and crew begin showing signs of extreme anxiety, anger and paranoia. Some are worse affected than others, you being one of them. Can you fight for not only your relationship with Lucas but your state of mind?

Pairings: Ensign Lucas Wolenczak x FemLieutenant!Reader, Commander Jonathan Ford x Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson (only slight)

Warnings: Language, violence, insecurity, angst, paranoia, anxiety, mental instability, very mild sexual references/smut mention, age difference/gap.

Comments: If you wish to be added to my seaQuest tag list, which will be separate from all my other tags, let me know, and I will only tag you in these if you specifically request to be tagged. This is practically a dead fandom now, but I would still like to share my writings with you. If you would like to ask any questions, then by all means just ask! People are probably wondering why I’m still continuing this fic when it gets so little feedback, but it’s purely because I enjoy writing it. It’d a pleasure to be reminiscing in old times. 

You were released from the Med Bay that following evening and decided to head straight to the mess hall for a late dinner. After your panic attack that morning, you had found your body returning to normal. The doctor was happy that your symptoms had subsided but had still directed you to go back for daily check ups at 09:00 hours each morning. The blood sample he had taken was still with the UEO’s Science and Health Division, awaiting thorough analysis.

The mess hall was deserted by now, but the cook was kind enough to re-heat a meal for you before he finished for the night. Peace and quiet had finally settled in your chest as you ate slowly, savouring the array of flavours. You took a deep breath, smiled to yourself and glanced around the room. All you could hear was the gentle hum of seaQuest’s turbines. It was always enough to calm you.

Tony Piccolo entered a short while later, just as you were finishing your last couple of mouthfuls.

“Hi, Tony,” you said cheerfully around a mouthful of assorted vegetables.

“How are you feeling?”

“Good, thank you. Better,” you replied, watching him sit opposite you. “I’ve got to try and rest for the next couple of days, doctor’s orders.”

You couldn’t help but notice that Tony seemed uncomfortable, fidgeting with something in his lap. His brown eyes seemed to have a hard time focusing on you.

“Tony? What’s the matter?”

“I…know you’ve been sick…and it’s happened around Lucas, but he wanted me to give you this.” Tony slowly offered you an unsealed envelope with your name on the front. You took it from Tony with apprehension.

“I’ll, umm, read it. Thanks, Tony.” You took a deep breath and opened out the folded paper, seeing Lucas’ familiar penned scrawl.

I thought I’d do this the old-fashioned way for once. I miss you so much, but I know that something has got to give. These last two months have been the best of my life. Thank you. But I’m terrified of letting them go. I know I’ve behaved wrong. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. And I have to. It’ll hurt like hell seeing you every day and knowing we can’t be together. Please don’t leave. I need you in my life, even if only as a friend. No matter what happens, I will always have your back, and most importantly, will always love you. – Lucas.

Tears slipped down your cheeks as you held the letter. The truth, bottom line, simply, you couldn’t be without him in your life either. “I miss him,” you whispered and began to sob.

“You need to go to him,” Tony said softly.

“We could lose our careers!” you exclaimed.

“Does your career mean more than being with the guy you love?”

Lucas was sat on his bunk, staring absently out into the water of the adjoining tank wall. He pictured you, beautiful and graceful, swimming with Darwin, holding on to the dolphin’s fin, gliding through the water. His chest compressed and ached at the mere thought of it.

“Hey, Luke,” Tony’s voice came.

Lucas never even bothered to turn and look, his gaze still locked on the water. He then heard a sweet voice say his name, the voice of the one who caused this pain. Was he imagining it? Then the voice came again, paired with that familiar scent. He turned in confusion to see you standing beside Tony’s bunk, looking up at him with a smile.

Tony backed out of the room, feeling like a third wheel, but accomplished.

Lucas said your name and jumped down from the bunk. You both rushed together, stopping for a brief second to smile, your faces reflecting each other. Then you kissed, both of you groaning upon the impact. Lucas’ hand cupped your face and his other arm curled around your waist, bringing you in flush against him. His want of you was rising and he pulled away sharp. “I need to control myself when I’m with you,” he said, his blue eyes ablaze with lust and passion for you.

Both of you had only been physical a handful of times in your two-month long relationship, and this was out of fear of being caught. Lucas had grown to know his limits when with you, learning so much about what pleased both of you.

You fondly remembered one instance when you had made love in the Moon Pool whilst Darwin was out hunting fish. How could you possibly push all of this away? How long could you maintain the coldness of your façade towards him? The mask of a dedicated officer was slipping. True, you were dedicated to your duty, but your heart and yearning for Lucas was fast trumping that.

Lucas stayed with you that night in your quarters. To hell with the consequences, you had thought. And you made love for the first time in two weeks. The pace was slow, deep and passionate. As Lucas came, he groaned against your neck and told you he loved you.

“And I love you,” you whispered, kissing him softly.

You both remained together, basking in the afterglow of your intimacy. You lay facing each other beneath the warm blanket on your bed.

“Would you really give up your career for this if you had to?” you asked.

Lucas merely smiled and looked down. “I thought my answer to that would have been obvious.”

“I never imagined I’d ever be that to someone,” you said. “Least of all, someone like you.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You’ve got so much to lose, so much more than my ex fiancée ever did, but you still fight for me. He never did.”

“You were engaged?” Lucas asked in shock.

“It’s a part of my life that I rarely talk about. I was engaged when I was seventeen, and then we split just before I enlisted. He apparently fell out of love with me, but the truth is, I don’t think either of us were ever in love. It was just a relationship of convenience. I’ve had to rely on myself since, and myself alone. Maybe I want someone to look after me now.”

“I’ve got you,” Lucas told you, taking you in his arms. “I’d give all of this up in a heartbeat, my rank and seaQuest, so I could stay with you.”

As Lucas slept behind you, his arm draped over you, you began to think on the true reasons you’d submitted the transfer request. And there was still one question that needed to be asked. Did you do it to save Lucas’ career, or your own? It struck as both an act of selfish need and a need of selfless compassion. Which drive had been the strongest of the two? Or was it possibly a subconscious act of self-sabotage? A test to see how far Lucas would go for you? One thing was certain, if it was indeed a test intended for Lucas, he had passed with flying colours. None of it would let you rest. The questions, shame and self-hatred manifested more intensely as time went by that night.

You slipped out of bed a while later, your mind still racing. You had to force your hand to your mouth to stop Lucas being woken by your gasps.

You’re selfish. You did this just to save your own career, not Lucas’. You don’t love him. You’re just enjoying the thrill of him running around after you like a lost puppy.

The voice was growing stronger, becoming almost audible, almost real inside your head.

Lucas will find out and despise you. You’re selfish. You only pretend to care, when in actual fact you do everything just for yourself. Lucas deserves a beautiful girl, not an ugly, disgusting bitch like you, paying lip service to everyone just to make yourself look good.

It was after midnight when you stood in the calm atmosphere of the Moon Pool. Tears dripped into the tank as you stroked Darwin’s head. The dolphin knew something was wrong, sensing your turmoil. He bumped your hand, his squeals untranslated while the vocorder remained in its charging dock. His all-knowing eyes watched you in curiosity and suddenly you dropped backwards.

Fuck! Even Darwin knows! I’m a fake.

Panic struck you, the terror hitting you so hard like a hurricane. Thoughts and emotions swirled around you, a tornado of self loathing and hatred. You could feel your skin crawling, the sensation of bugs moving, becoming stronger. Until it all became too much and you lost consciousness, that feeling of dizziness pulling you under.

Lucas woke to see you gone and instantly jumped out of your bed, feeling a churn in his stomach. Something was wrong. He didn’t know how he knew it, but he did. He dashed out into the hallway to see Darwin hovering in the tank, his head moving in the way it always did when he was trying to ask for someone to follow.

Lucas followed Darwin back to the Moon Pool and rushed in, finding your body stretched out across the floor.

“Oh, no,” he whispered, getting down onto the ground next to you.

***

You opened your eyes to find yourself in the Med Bay; everything was empty and silent. There was only the beeping of the machines next to your bed. Wires were connected to you, keeping track of your heartbeat. The room was too silent for your liking, until a shadow began to move towards you. It was formless, only the outline of a person. It was hovering a few inches above the floor and moved towards you. As much as you wanted to scream, nothing came out of your mouth, not even breath. Every part of your body froze rigid and gradually the form began to develop, turning into a horrid creature. It had black eyes, fangs and blood dripping from its mouth. Its claws were outstretched, reaching for you.

The monitor next to you began to beep faster and faster. Until the doctor raced back in and saw you sat bolt upright in bed, your eyes wide and focused upon an area in front of you at the foot of the bed.

“Lieutenant?” he called. “Lieutenant?!”

No answer. Nothing else around you mattered, only the space before you.

The beeping got faster, until you dropped down on the bed and began to have a seizure. Your body contorted and your eyes rolled back in your head.

“What’s happening?” Lucas shouted, racing back in with a cup of coffee. He stood next to you, his hand brushing through your hair whilst he was on the verge of tears. He said your name over and over. “It’s okay. I’m here. I won’t leave you.”

“Please, move away, Ensign,” the doctor ordered, holding a syringe.

Finally, your body stopped convulsing and you went calm. The sedative relaxed your muscles, and you drifted into a dreamless sleep, for a short while. Your breathing and heart rate returned to normal, the beeping of your bedside monitor becoming less and less.

“What happened to her?” Lucas asked, stricken by fear and concern.

“She had a seizure. It seemed to be panic induced. I want to give her a full scan, see if there’s any signs of underlying epilepsy,” the doctor said. He looked almost a panicked as Lucas. “I’ve never seen this before, that’s if all her symptoms are linked and the same thing.”

“What are you going to do for her?” Lucas asked.

“Keep her sedated for a few hours and then gradually let her wake. The panic she was suffering was intense fear. Before you came into the room, she was bolt upright, eyes wide. She was looking at something there.” The doctor pointed to the space where you had been staring earlier.

Captain Hudson soon came to the Med Bay, his eyes darting to Lucas as soon as he entered the room. The scene before Hudson made a lump rise in his throat; his youngest crew member, Ensign Wolenczak, sitting with his head bowed in silence, his hand in yours, resting on the edge of your bed.

“How is she, Ensign?” Hudson asked.

Lucas jolted, startled by the Captain’s entrance. “Umm, the doctor has had to sedate her. She begun having hallucinations and had a seizure.” Lucas’ voice broke and he swallowed hard, staring at your pale face. He could see your eyes moving beneath your eyelids and he prayed that whatever you were dreaming was bringing you peace, not terror.

Hudson pulled a chair across and sat opposite your bed, looking across at Lucas, who quickly brushed tears away from his face with back of his hand. “I’m ….s…sorry, Sir,” he stuttered.

“Lucas?” the Captain asked. “It’s okay. She’ll get through this. She’s a fighter, and whatever is causing this, we’ll find a way to cure it.”

“Umm, can I stay with her, Sir?” Lucas asked. “I know that we’re not…”

Hudson felt a sudden surge in shame for his actions and sighed. “Take as long as you need, Ensign.”

******

A few pointers and references:

UEO - United Earth Oceans Organisation; this is the organisation that owns seaQuest and governs underwater territories. 

Darwin/vocorder/Lucas backstory - Darwin the dolphin has his whistles and squeals translated by a machine called a vocorder which was designed and created by Lucas Wolenczak (pronounced Wo-len-check), who is a genius and graduated from Stamford University at 16 and was put on the seaQuest by his father to work as a computer analyst. 

Dagwood - he is a GELF, commonly called a ‘dagger’ in the series. They were genetically engineered people who were used a lot in serving humankind. 

[thatwasthenightthingschanged]

5 years of being clean

Here’s my annual mental health recap :) Not sure whether I will keep doing them next year, but I hit the five years mark today (my 14 yrs old self reading this would be like NO WAY oof) so I figured it would be a cool thing to do:) The text is below the cut (so u don’t have to scroll endlessly on your dash) and you can also find it on my personal blog :)

(tumblr desktop wouldn’t let me put these three pictures next to each other, I’m sorry akdshkajd)

To start it off, I genuinely never thought I would reach a mark like this, ever. Like I so vividly remember being 14 and thinking, okay I’m gonna start this journey but I don’t truly believe I will actually be able to keep going. Yet here I am. Huh.

I feel like so much about myself has changed over the past year. I feel like a totally different person compared to back then but also still the same? If that makes sense. When I read through last year’s post this morning I felt kind of estranged by it but at the same time I can definitely recall how I was feeling last year. (btw, if you want to read through each year’s post, here are some links: 2019 2018 2017 2016)

Okay, enough nostalgia, here’s some stuff I was struggling with over the past year and new things I’ve learned.

The past year has been a year of many changes for me. First of all, I had to let go of someone who for a long time really supported me through difficult times, but changed and left me feeling bad about myself. It has actually taken multiple attempts to finally cut things off, and while I do feel sad and angry about it quite a bunch of times, I know it was the right decision in the end. And I’m proud of myself for pulling through with this, for finally standing up for my self-worth for once. Because I deserve more than people who treat me shitty.

Moreover, this quarantine time has really taken a toll on me and my mental health. I find myself obsessing over the way my body looks in a way I genuinely have never before since I barely move outside at the moment. I’ve also had some really, really dark days. What helps me get through it is focusing on my uni work and regularly exercising and going outside.

I’m getting more and more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m out to my parents now, and while sometimes their homophobic behavior really wears me down, I know I can get through it because I have the most amazing friends who support me as much as they can. Honestly, so many of them have offered to let me stay with them in case my parents react extremely negatively and I’m so, so thankful for that. (I actually still get a little teary-eyed when I think about that)

But probably the biggest change, the one that truly changed my life completely, was my girlfriend. It’s kind of funny, because you can plan for things like falling in love as much as you want but then you still end up finding it in the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected of times. In retrospect, we both chose actually the worst time to fall in love with each other, but it still worked out. Because we both wanted it to.

And honestly, just being around my girlfriend has made me more confident. She is really confident herself, and I admire that so much about her, that it makes me want to go outside of my comfort zone more. She also opened me up to the world of fashion omg! I mean, of course I was a little bit interested in it before, but I’ve never really consciously used fashion to express myself and even though I’m still at the beginning, it’s so much fun already and it really boosts my self-confidence to wear something I feel like I look great in.

As I’ve never been in a relationship before, I had to really closely examine my behaviors and habits and recognize toxic behavior that I have used in the past when it came to love and actively work to better myself. One of such things is communication. Perhaps you know how long it took me to really learn that it’s okay for me to tell others about my problems and my feelings, that I’m not a burden for doing so. With her, I realized that when it came to romantic encounters, my “strategy” with dealing with arising problems was mope about it on here but never actually talking to the other person and communicating my issues and working through them. But this time, I really wanted things to work out so badly, so now whenever I feel upset about something, I just tell her. And we talk through it. And most of all, she doesn’t mind that I sometimes overthink stuff and might interpret things wrong, she always is the epitome of patience and love and that is honestly so refreshing.

And through her eyes, I start seeing things that I thought were my flaws in an entirely new light. For example, she likes that I think so much about stuff and thinks it’s actually cute that I always have the need to always express my feelings at all times. I used to think I was “too much” for people, that I have to stop feeling things so intensely and that people will only find that annoying. Now I know it is my biggest asset. And that has also changed my relationship to other people, as I have noticed that it’s okay to just freely express my feelings because the right ones will always understand them, and you might feel even closer to them. She makes me bold and brave and these are two adjectives I never would’ve used to describe myself before.

So, this was my past year. I don’t know in what mental health state I will be this time next year, this time in three years, in five years. But maybe that’s also the fun about it. The unpredictability of where you’ll end up and what you will have learned.

Before I’m done with this post, I need to make a special shoutout at this point because it has been five years and that person honestly truly deserves it, for all that she’s been helping me through. Nadine @feminst4life​ has actually been following me for so long now, and I remember whenever I made posts about feeling really down or thinking about giving up because bathing in your bad feelings is just easier than trying to stay optimistic, she told me to keep going. And I don’t know if it is signivicant to her, but it really meant a lot to me and her support helped me so so much so I had to make a cheesy paragraph in here about her. love you Nadine 💕

And thank you to anyone else who ever sent me messages cheering me up when I was feeling down. It means more to me than words could ever express. Thank you. I love you 💕💕💕

xxx Sarah

[affaridicuore]

11) What made you start wanting to roleplay? 18) What’s the one thing you want to try the most on your blog? 22) What’s one thing you dislike about the roleplaying community on Tumblr? 30) Other than roleplaying , what’s your favorite hobby? *smooches and winks*

@untamedsoutherncharm​ || Mun asks /RP Edition [ accepting ]

11) What made you start wanting to roleplay? I´m a late starter and only got into social media around 2013/2014. I was pretty active in several Facebook fandom groups at that time and inevitably, stumbled upon the wondrous world of Tumblr through them. I had no clue what this place was, really, but still made a personal blog spontaneously where I indulged in fandom shenanigans (mostly in the Marvel corner) and shameless thirst for certain actors, and gained quite a following. Part of my “popularity” came from me writing dirty ass smutty fanfics that I published there and on AO3 (I´m baffled I´m still getting kudos for them but oh well). Not sure anymore when, but the longer I was on Tumblr, the less satisfying writing fanfics became, and I wanted to interact with my favourite characters instead. At that time, IC asks blogs were popping up like mushrooms after warm Summer rain, but it felt kinda weird talking to let´s say, Loki Odinson, as me, the person Eves. So based on a fanfic I wrote, I made a blog for an OC (a female mutant) and started looking for others to write with. I was into the X-Men universe at that time and after a ship with a Professor Xavier (come on, University professor!Charles was an adorable flirty little shit) but I was young dumb and inexperienced in the ways of the cruel world that´s Tumblr rp. Needless to say, my thirst wasn´t appreciated LMAO. But I´ve moved on and learned A LOT since then. 

18) What’s the one thing you want to try the most on your blog? On this one? Well duh, develop and explore my muse, first and foremost. I wish it wasn´t so but sadly, I don’t have the time for writing in-depth metas or headcanon posts about Izzie´s motifs, fears or other random stuff, so I rely on interactions with other writers. In character, I want to try out different dynamics to learn more about the muse. Plotwise, anything that is dark and angsty, with dashes of romance. As a mun, I want to have an organised blog with solid, long-term interactions based on plotting and mutual interest. Also, this place is run with a no-drama policy, so keeping any of that off it is also vital to me (including personal rants, cancel culture, the current situation in the world or politics. A personal preference). No one should feel stressed looking at my blog.    22) What’s one thing you dislike about the roleplaying community on Tumblr? At the risk of sounding like a bitch: there´s a lot. But I´ll stick with my main peeves. A) Its flakiness. People create and drop muses at their whims. Which they have every right to, but still. I know what it is to be excited about a new muse or pairing but completely losing any interest within a couple weeks and dropping any interaction or development around it? In my humble opinion, so not worth the effort. I prefer working on muses for years. You can´t always have inspiration for the same muse so having several is what I resort to, but making and dropping them constantly, I don´t get. That´s mostly just a quick endorphine fix or itch to use a certain faceclaim or make a certain ship happen. I´m someone who´s in for the long run (as old fashioned as that sounds, IDGAF) so if you lure me in with a plot and get me invested, but forget all about it a week later, we´re not compatible. End of. (That got kinda long whoops). And B) People´s unwillingness to communicate. When has it become fashionable to not talk to people anymore? I feel like a lot of people use several (lame) excuses for not having to bother with situations that could possibly mean conflict, so they rather give others the silent treatment. Which is annoying at any time, but especially during plotting. You don´t feel it anymore? Changed you mind? Cool, bro, no prob at all. JUST FKN TELL ME SO I DON`T WASTE MY TIME. I hate being left on read and feeling like Booboo the fool for having reached out to you. I´m not here to pick up on your hints. Just tell me what´s up and we´re good. No hard feelings. In general, if you can´t be bothered to commuicate in a communication based hobby, maybe this isn´t the hobby for you. Welcome to my TED talk. 

30) Other than roleplaying , what’s your favorite hobby? My life is so fucking busy right now that the only “hobby” I can pursue is watching some tv shows until I pass out. FML.

[nikatyler]

*gasp* a replies post! A long replies post! A long replies post where I overshare again! *o* Yeah I kinda missed doing these. I’m now at home, but won’t be for much longer. First, I’m going to meet some of my new classmates on Friday and I’ll spend the whole weekend with them! We’re going somewhere...well I don’t even know where that is, just that it’s in nature and I’ve never been there before! Thank gods we’re meeting at the main station in Prague, or else I wouldn’t get there myself. Then on Moday, I have to go to my uni, and then once more on Wednesday I think? And on Wednesday, I’ll have to wake up at 4 am. my LiFe Is SoOoOOOoO HaRd oH mY gOd. No, I’ll be fine.

And a month from now, I’ll be moving to my dorm. That’s some crazy stuff. I can’t believe it’s happening. Last week, my dad actually took me to Prague and we went to see where it is. The location reminds me a lot of my home, but I won’t tell you what exactly that is because no one needs to know that. Anyway, school starts in October. I’m actually looking forward to studying, but the “living alone in a big city with people I’ve never seen before” part is scary. D: I’ll give you updates.

Anyway, today was a weird day. First, I sat alone by the lake when these two guys came and talked to me (I didn’t mind that actually, they were kinda nice), then when I got up and said I had to go home, one of them complimented my legs...which would’ve been really nice but then he basically implied he’d go to bed with me...and like literally five minutes ago he said he had a girlfriend...basically men are scary. Then later, mum and I went grocery shopping and I saw my middle school crush with his girlfriend...and decided that his girlfriend is cute, way cuter than him actually...bisexual culture I guess, crushing on your middle school crush’s girlfriend lmao. Then we went to pay for our groceries and the cashier...was my childhood friend who also happened to be my first crush and also my last crush and these days I’m wondering if I’m really crushing on him or if I’m just holding onto him because I don’t know any better. Long story but if you ever feel like I have a thing for childhood friends to lovers trope, maybe blame him.

Wow. Oversharing much? Let’s get to those replies then, before I tell you what colour my underwear is or something.

Also!! Stream Lover. You won’t regret it.

volcanopasta replied to your photoset “@ ea guess what we still don’t have in ts4”

I miss spooning

I feel like that’s one of those little things half of the community misses. ;-;

simlishprincess replied to your photoset “MAGNOLIA???”

she’s morphing

She’s broken like this really often and it scares me :D

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Vanessa: “So do you forgive me?” Gwyneth: “Of course I do. I must...”

Lol, a bpr founder telling thez plan no more children, they are so funny

These sims have no clue what I have in store

And just you wait for gen 2

Just you wait

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “There it is. Wonder what she could use the computer for…;) (no, I...”

Well I can`t say this is surprisingXD

Yeah...do most people go for purple? At least most bpr people I follow/followed went for this colour :D I also wanted to do this thing where the founder chooses the pink person, but the heir is purple. Idk why, I just wanted it to be like that haha

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “Uhh oh hi again. You guys are seeing this right after the last post,...”

Jeez, Vanessa looks like that liquid Terminaor from Terninator 2.Funnily enough he was posing as a police officerXD

Lol I have no idea what you’re talking about because I’m bad at watching iconic movies (read as: I haven’t watched any of the movies that people think everyone has watched :’D) but I’ll believe you lmao

dandylion240  replied to your photoset “I really can’t justify this, can I? Listen, I have to stay true to my...”

Sometimes the aliens won't let you go even if you want to.

Oh you’re right

create-a-sim replied to your photoset “She traded her policeman hat for a fishnet top. Fashion, you know.”

me as a policeman

Saaaame

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “You know how I said I couldn’t justify this? Well…Alexa play Oops I...”

Yeah, make Roxanne that purple sibling/s

Careful what you wish for 👀

dandylion240 replied to your post “The power of what sharing a worry with someone can do amazes me, as a...”

Awe I'm glad you didn't delete without telling anyone. You would have been missed. But you're not the only one who thinks about doing that though.

I love seeing you on my dash ❤️

1o8percent replied to your post “The power of what sharing a worry with someone can do amazes me, as a...”

I’m glad that sharing your worries was able to help you. Simblr can be overwhelming and well life in general can be too. It’s nice to have someone to let it out to. I’m glad you’re still around!

♥♥♥

Thank you guys so much. This happens to me from time to time, but it’s never been this bad.

desira-sims replied to your post “Random thoughts and ideas: NSB, BC and my hair (again)”

I’m slowly working through the sentence starters too. I didn’t realize quite how difficult some of them would be. Lol

Same! I might incorporate one of them into my yellow gen because it would fit there perfectly. God I’m really going to milk this one awful awful event for angst huh. That will be frowned upon. As for the other...I have an idea for it but it doesn’t fit the og Raleb timeline at all (it was for them) and I want it to be canon...like I kinda just don’t want to call it an AU, but I guess I’ll have to.

aiseinei replied to your photoset “Eden: “Ughhh oh my god my life is soooo hard!”

I would be too if I was stuck staring pink in the mirror for the rest of my life �� no very cute!

Oof same haha. One of the reasons why I was hesitant about starting BPR was the pink :D

And then I went and made my founder marry a pink sim and have four pink children with her, because that makes sense. I love making myself suffer, yay!

Thank you, btw!

medleymisty replied to your post “I'm not saying I want to re-read my entire NSB but...I kinda do. Will...”

*hugs* We're our own worst critics. I used to cringe at my old stuff too, but really it was decent. I might have learned more since then, but it was still good. I'm glad you can see the good in yours. :)

I’m definitely not as hard at my younger self anymore. I went and read some of my stories written when I was 13-14, and I tried to look at it that way. They weren’t perfect, but maybe they were good for a child of that age. I mean, I always got good grades on my writing homework, and my teachers have always liked how I worked with words, so...yeah, it’s not perfect, but I’m not going to have perfectly fleshed out characters and storylines when I have barely even understood that the world isn’t just black and white, good and evil. There are shades inbetween.

That got deep again but I have a lot of feelings about this and I’m sorry to my younger writer self for how I’ve treated her. Keep going, kid.

xiapxls replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

Me! Whenever I come across a new blog I'm interested in I always read everything before I hit follow

whysimstho replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

It was how I found your blog actually!

yamekamerainbows27 replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

I have! ✋✋

elisabettasims replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

I feel like I read over 90% of it?

dandylion240 replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

Me. Was in love with Ross since he was born in game. He was such a lil cutie!!

desira-sims replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

Me! Came across a Ross and Caleb post and went back to the beginning to read it all.

1o8percent replied to your post “Well, of course my bad wifi had to ruin everything. I guess I will go...”

I have ��

Wooow there’s a lot of you. And you stuck with me through the bad and the worse, through all the dumb ideas I got...thank you. Seriously, thank you. There’s more in store, I promise.

You’ll want to punch me in the face eventually, I’m just saying.

Speaking of punching someone in the face, yesterday I was waiting for my hair to dry and I thought hmm, let’s go read gen 2 of my NSB. And...I knew Ross was an idiot when he was young, but I forgot he was that bad. I’m glad none of us accepted it and we only collectively forgave him when he got his crap together. Yay. Also yay we didn’t cancel him because cancel culture is disgusting, people can learn from their mistakes.

I’m going off topic again. That happens when I’m in a good mood.

elisabettasims replied to your post “Let's play a game, "how many more curly maxis match hair can I...”

It's true, there is never enough.

dandylion240 replied to your post “Let's play a game, "how many more curly maxis match hair can I...”

There is never enough

Glad we’re on the same page haha

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “��”

Yes, tumblr finally stopped bullying me and send my ask!

Yay tumblr, it got its crap together for once!

No, jokes aside, if you ever send me an ask and I don’t respond, feel free to send it again. I think I got better at answering my asks fast, so you can definitely tell by that. Also, if I answer everyone else’s and not yours...that’s also a sign because I hardly ever keep asks private (unless I’ve been asked to do so, then I’ll always respect your wish!)

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photo “I have to catch a bus in like ten minutes but here’s what I’ve been...”

This hairstyle suits Ross!

It kinda really does?? It was also the closest I could get to his ts4 one haha.

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photoset “Contestant number seven has arrived! Talia: “Is everything alright?...”

god yeah as an experienced bc player i feel that, introductions take SO long and get SO annoying

I had an “ok I’m never doing this again” moment with literally every contestant because 1) it was taking forever and 2) making ten different and yet still entertaining dialogues was hard

And I write a lot so you’d say that would be easy for me, but nope :’D

doka-chan replied to your post “I don't know how many of you are interested in my book...”

Book recommendations are always a plus. Thank you ! :)

I like them too! Not only because, well, I get a book recommendation, but also because I’m always curious about what people read haha.

vintageplumbobs replied to your post “Just queued episode 2 of the BC and one of the posts got flagged…wanna...”

Not all of us have time for breakfast! I can’t be looking at that in the staff kitchen! People will riot! ����

Oh that’s right, forgive me tumblr, I have sinned

desira-sims replied to your post “But I’ve never told you that before.” Caleb and Ross, please? ��”

That is the sweetest thing ever. ������

dandylion240 replied to your post “But I’ve never told you that before.” Caleb and Ross, please? ��”

I love it ❤️

Thank you guys ;-; ♥ I loved writing this so much. It gave me that nice warm feeling inside, you know what I mean? They make me so happy! ;-;

wcif a vampire best friend that would eventually end up marrying me?

dandylion240 replied to your post “Just queued episode 2 of the BC and one of the posts got flagged…wanna...”

Every single post of Emerson bc was flagged and they weren’t nsfw either mostly

Yeah, this is so weird...I know people say it happens when the picture has a lot of “skintone” coloured pixels...but that’s not always the case with my flagged posts??

Also (I’ll never shut up about this)...why is there a female-presenting nipples rule when it clearly can’t ever tell female and male nipples apart? I’m just saying. And yes I get it, for AI it sure has to be difficult to tell such things apart but in my opinion that’s exactly why they should get rid of it and only incorporate it when it can tell it apart. Actually, hold on, nope. The nipple rule is stupid no matter what gender the nipple is.

And I’ve just used the word nipple more times than ever before in my nineteen-something years long life.

desira-sims replied to your photoset “Some more pictures of Aretha ♥”

She's so pretty

Thank you! ♥ I’m happy with how she turned out.

vintageplumbobs replied to your photoset “I did not forget about those townie makeovers! @epicvictoria suggested...”

That style really suits her. But then...maybe I’m biased...

I think it suits her way better than her original outfits too, but same, I might be biased...vintage/retro aesthetic is my jam.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “How to tell which characters are my favourite? Well, they probably...”

Looking good!

omiscanking replied to your photoset “How to tell which characters are my favourite? Well, they probably...”

I'm scrEAMINGGGG

Haha thank you! I hope it’s a good kind of screaming :D

toxoplasmajuice replied to your post “Thoughts?”

screenshots are cool and all but i say if you wanna rely more on text then go for it! especially if you've figured out that taking all those screenshots is an obstacle for you - do what works best for you, you know?

doka-chan replied to your post “Thoughts?”

For me a story is up to its writer. I don't mind only one picture with a huge text, or the contrary a lot of picture with little to no text. As long as we got attached to the characters, it's not important, as long as it's progressing and understandable.

dandylion240 replied to your post “Thoughts?”

I don’t mind reading a lot of text. Pics are always second to the story to me.

desira-sims replied to your post “Thoughts?”

I sort of think there should be a balance. No, not everything needs to be shown as a ss, but it should be more than one photo for a wall of text.

Thank you for your feedback! I think it would be no more than one Word page of text. Which is a lot still but I think that’s the maximum I’d go for. And I mean, I’d show all the important moments. It’s just, I guess I don’t need ten different pictures of the same conversation when these people are just standing next to each other. And it doesn’t need to be split into ten different posts either.

I’ll figure it out, don’t worry.

deathflowertea replied to your photoset “the softest bean �� alternate, boring caption: So I finally decided to...”

TS4 looks good on her! ��

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your photoset “the softest bean �� alternate, boring caption: So I finally decided to...”

Cute!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “the softest bean �� alternate, boring caption: So I finally decided to...”

I love her!!

Thank you guys! I really like how she turned out too.

tiny-tany-thaanos replied to your post “I'm thinking of starting something like "random facts about..." tags...”

I do love when people talk about their characters and stories! It makes OCs more real and all the small details are just adorable!

Me too. I want to know all the details. Tell me how you came up with this or that. Tell me what inspired you to do this. Tell me which song you associate with them. Tell me little things like what shower gel they’re using. I JUST LOVE OCS OKAY

toxoplasmajuice replied to your photo “Nicky: “This is a tragedy. Can I burn my picture before anyone sees...”

me whenever i finish a drawing

big relatable mood

create-a-sim replied to your post “list 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box for...”

I love good lyrics as well ;)

I’ve recently found a lot of appreciation for lyrics that seem simple, but then you get into them or read some behind the scenes facts and realize they’re not as simple as they might seem. Then I feel like the person who wrote it is a genius.

ineptbubbles replied to your photoset “Could I ever get bored of her? Nope.  Could I ever get bored of making...”

Omgosh I love that shirt!!

Me toooo and I need one irl ;-; But I mean, I’ve told my sister so many times this week, maybe when my birthday comes around in December, she’ll remember and she’ll tell my parents I want it? :D I mean I could just ask them for that myself but I just know I’d be embarrassed for some reason.

mlpsimmer replied to your photoset “Roxanne: “Dad, what are you doing here?! You told me you were supposed...”

Your sims are gorgeous!

Thank you so muuuuch! ♥

desira-sims replied to your post “Fluff sentence starter 16. “Do you think the moon is jealous of how...”

These two. �� My heart. I just love them.

dandylion240 replied to your post “Fluff sentence starter 16. “Do you think the moon is jealous of how...”

I love this thank you ❤️

Same. They borrowed my heart, said they’d give it back and then ran away with it and I never saw it again. smh guys, stealing isn’t nice

And no, thank YOU for making me write this ♥

mlpsimmer replied to your post “Tumblr……..your protect-kids-from-seeing-nipples algorithm still isn’t...”

It happened to one of my drafts, which was never published. They were fully dressed, too! It's a little annoying.

Yeah, I just talked about this above in a reply to an older comment. It’s...ugh tumblr, what is u doing

[diningpageantry]

Don’t @ Me

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43092371

Chapter 1/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 3118

Fic Summary: Teenage life is hard enough, but with the added weight of their lives, both Simon and Baz thrive online in a fandom for the British crime show, Gastrell, about the genius Huxley and his "flatmate" Sam. Through Tumblr, they find each other, and sink into something more than just being mutuals.

Chapter Summary: A shitpost is taken a little too personally, and an argument breaks out. In true Baz fashion, he seeks to prove himself right in the most ridiculous way possible.

BAZ

Morning routines are the most menial shit in the realm of existence of arbitrary tasks.

Everyone seems to have them, yet nobody really has a set one. For example, my step-mum has a long, seemingly pointless hour of simply facial cleansers, serums, and hair products. When I’d asked her years ago why she does it all, she shook her head and said “You’ll never be an aging woman, Basilton.”

I couldn’t quite argue with that.

Regardless, it’s a part of life. The routines. Wake up, morning routine, morning activity, eat, afternoon activity, usually afternoon snack, evening activity, dinner, night-time activity, sleep.

A boring, underwhelming cycle of the day.

Although, I suppose it’s shittier for me, since the homeschooling doesn’t give me a chance to do much besides sit and read. Of course, I have my car and I can drive off to whatever. Hell, father even suggested I get a job to occupy myself, but I don’t quite see the point given how much money we have (and the risk factors with moving around so frequently).

So, here I am. Finishing my classes in a matter of months, then having an entire year of pointless bullshit.

Needless to say, my entire day’s routine isn’t the most thrilling. Wake up at 10 on a good day, check social media and emails, then just lay here until I can’t wait to piss. Piss. Go to eat breakfast and get greeted by screaming children and my poor step-mum trying to wrangle them in. Go upstairs, go back online, see whatever’s on my dash, reblog some shit, then try to do something vaguely productive. Check Archive, check email again. Nothing’s on the emails, ever. Text Dev and Niall, who get awfully pissed since they are in school. Get more food. Eat. Bring tea upstairs, despite the disdained look from our maid (who hates collecting my piles of mugs). Write for a couple hours. Take an afternoon nap, if I please. Wake up and sit there (again). Maybe lonely wank. Go back to the bathroom, stare at myself in the mirror for a good few minutes. Sit on the toilet for half an hour for no reason besides the fact that my phone seems more interesting while sitting there as compared to sitting in bed. Sit then on the bathroom floor doing the same thing. Go back to my bed, listen to music on my phone and work on my laptop. Write, maybe scroll. Get dinner brought to me as they tut that I should be more active. Eat. Go downstairs for an evening workout (they’re right, I shouldn’t confine myself to my bed). Come back, do exactly what I do for half the day until I pass out somewhere around 3 am. Repeat.

Dream life for an 17 year old. Social life of a god.

Somewhat.

It’s shit to say (and sort of embarrassing to share) that there’s sort of a social media presence around me. Not quite the Instagram model bullshit, but based around fan life.

Yes, it’s a laughing stock. That’s where my popularity lies--a mixed grab-bag of various ages gathering around various platforms to enthuse about certain topics. And I’m somehow lucky enough to have the slightest bit of popularity here.

As in, a large following. A large, somehow active following.

It isn’t exactly thrilling as one would like to think. Sure, it’s fun to see a scattered group of regulars pop up, and I have my mutuals, but it’s a sad existence to sit around and make various shitposts with nothing better to occupy my mind. Or, at least, that’s what Dev and Niall tell me.

All in all, I blame Fiona. She’s the one who got me into the show, saying she thought the character was a bit like me. After I saw it, I found the three connections she’d grasped at.

Gay, dark-haired, and violinist.

As if that’s a rarity.

Yet, surely enough, I did love it. The cinematography, the characters, the storyline. It was intriguing--captivating.

It doesn’t hurt that the online community was still on the smaller side when I first got there. The show was only a season in when I made my blog, and I’ve stuck through all this bullshit to get me here. One of the regulars. Reposted everywhere, uncredited usually. Big fics, large interactions. Shitposts with thousands upon thousands of notes. I’m recognizable; a suggested name.

Don’t get me wrong, the attention is spectacular. I love interacting with people beyond this depressing household, and they’re usually fairly nice (usually) (except those ravenous for an argument). It’s just awkward to share at times when people ask why your mobile’s got 99+ symbols next to the apps and you just shrug and say “I’m shit at checking it” to avoid the conversation because most people see it as childish.

It’s a shame, really. Especially since I feel emotionally attached to these goddamn fictional fuckers.

I suppose that’s what makes it all the more personal, then. Even the shitposts mean something to me.

Which is what makes this is a long, winded way of saying fuck whoever’s arguing with me about whether or not Huxley is a fucking Ravenclaw. (He is. Hands down.) How’d I get here, staring at my mobile in disbelief at a brief back and forth post turned fight? Because it feels like a reasonable question to wonder.

I got here because, as almost all mornings, I woke up, opened my phone, read my notifs, then sat here, thinking of something. Anything. Then, in a tired haze, typed out a single text post on tumblr.

huxley gastrell is a ravenclaw send tweet

Following so, I went about my typical morning. Of course. Then--then--I check my phone as I’m going downstairs and I see it. I see the “@bi-sammy mentioned you in a post!” notif, then read the God-forsaken reblog.

@gaystrell op do you take criticism on your posts?

I frowned at my phone, typing out a quick response before tucking it back into my pocket.

@bi-sammy no.

What I hadn’t anticipated, though, was the reply I’d open up to soon after I’d started poking at my morning meal.

@gaystrell well too bad bc ur WRONG and ur opinions are UGLY

#he’s clearly a slytherin this is slytherin oppression #don’t tell me he and bryonie aren’t from a slytherin family

Now I sit, staring and completely awestruck at such a post. Now, I won’t deny Bryonie Gastrell is definitely, in all possible ways, a Slytherin. Cunning and ambitious as fuck, as any political spy may be, but fuck anyone who tries to dismiss Huxley’s clear Ravenclaw leanings.

It takes me a moment to fully process, mouth robotically chewing my eggs as I contemplate my answer.

@bi-sammy there is absolutely no proof of huxley being a slytherin and more than enough support towards him being a ravenclaw. get your clueless negativity off my blog, you utter tit.

With that, I settle my phone face down onto my table and try to enjoy my lovely plate of scrambled eggs, barely ignoring the boiling of my blood.

SIMON

My phone lights up with the new notification, dragging my attention away from my laptop as the words slide down onto the screen. “@gaystrell mentioned you in a post!” I hate to admit that I get a little pattering in my heart, urging my hand out to grasp the mobile as I pause the Youtube video currently playing. As I read his words, I slowly blink out of my excitement.

Tit. He called me a bloody tit.

Of course this fucking wanker called me a tit.

He must think that since he’s this big bad blogger, he can call me a tit right out in the open. (Although, he is talking to me, so that’s a plus) (No! No no no, bad validation, Simon. Bad). What, with his thousands of followers and fans of his own, he thinks he can try to say shit out in the open?

Fuck it. He’s either getting a DM or a bloody fist fight from me. I’ll take a train to wherever the fuck he lives (which is somewhere in England, since that’s what his bio says) (and his aunt lives in London, since he’s posted about visiting her) (I really do wonder where he’s from and how close he might be--what if I run into him one day?) (No wait fuck I don’t want that anymore).

Clicking on his blog, the little person drop down gives me the option of a message. I barely think as I type it out, vision going spotty from the adrenaline of the twinging anger.

bi-sammy: i swear to god there was no point to the battle of hogwarts if you’re just going to go around and absolutely slander the slytherin name and dare say that huxley is not one of them and, rather, is a ravenclaw

At first, I grin at it, watching my lone message appear into the empty chat. It’s so freeing--so powerful to send it. I pride myself, in the moment, for this solid move of communication. Of course I’m fucking proud. I messaged the arse myself and gave him a space to fight.

Maybe Penny’s right, I should dial down the confrontation, but it’s just the internet. Nothing important happens through a stupid little argument over Huxley’s true Hogwarts house (although, I’m sure I know I’m right in my heart), but it is a bit of fun to fuck around with someone. It’s a distraction. And that’s why I’m here, afterall. To have a distraction.

Penny thinks it’s a bit silly, but she doesn’t really complain. All she’s ever said was  “I thought we left fandom stuff behind us when we were 14.” She said it over lunch, watching me scroll through my at-the-time new tumblr.

It’s funny, I thought I did leave it behind when I was younger. It seemed unneeded as life shifted. I’d just found a stable foster home, with someone who was going to keep me for a while. I found Penny a couple months before I deactivated my old account. I was happy; we were free. I didn’t need a venting place.

Shits been sort of hitting the fan recently, though. No uni plans, David’s been getting more controlling, and of course, Agatha dumping me. It all crashed on top of me a few months ago, and somehow, the only place that I could find healthy coping was online. So, I started fresh. Made a blog and settled in. It’s not big, but I’ve had a few posts get noticed. I have a good few hundred followers, and one nice anon who asks me how I am every few weeks. It’s not a lot, but it’s comforting.

I feel at home here, even with a little discourse.

Well, only when the discourse is answered. Which, in this situation, I don’t know if it will be, given it’s been over an hour now and Baz hasn’t answered.

If that’s even his name.

It’s what his bio says, at least.

baz. 17. cisguy (he/him). gay. don’t interact if you think huxley is remotely straight.

I’ve wondered for a while what Baz stands for. He refuses to answer it in asks; he always says it’s too personal. He’s sort of odd like that--never posts pictures of anything that could be linked back. Seems sort of creepy, but then again, a lot of people follow him. It’s reasonable to want space.

Maybe that’s why he’s not answering. He probably wants space of some sort, but it’d be at least decent to answer someone who tried to have a discussion (that’s at least what I’m calling that message I sent--a discussion starter).

I frown at my phone, keeping it on silent as I slide it into my front pocket and settle into my seat in maths. I’ll say it--I sulk in class, a little bitter that I don’t have his attention (despite the fact that he seems like he’s always active online, which seems odd). Eventually, I exhale and try to let it slip away. There went my one interaction with him. My few seconds of the weirdest fucking bliss online, gone.

Then, it happens. As the class is ending, I pull out my screen just enough to see and there it is. A clear notification telling me he’d answered. Oddly enough, it’s just him sending me a link to a Google Doc.

Weird.

I ignore it for the moment being, letting myself ride the wave of relaxation that I actually got a reply. It passes my mind until I’m sitting in the back of Agatha’s car, listening to Penny and Aggie in the front talking about whatever’s on their mind. The rides are sort of awkward as of recently. At least Agatha agreed to drive me home (it’s a good 45 minute walk, if not) after some convincing from Penny, but her and I don’t really chat. It’s just the two of them.

Given that time, I have a chance to pull out my mobile and thumb through what was sent.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/175qFASmqD7hey8lE0eoE-6VhhFYE9DP6bpnI32Aay98/edit?usp=sharing

I click on it, not expecting that much (or, really, not expecting anything at all). Yet, the second it pops up and loads, my jaw drops.

“Jesus fuck,” I say aloud, scrolling through it. Penny turns her head, frowning as I stay locked on my screen.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“No--no nothing,” I say, waving a hand. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s got to be something for that reaction,” she says, keeping turned in her seat as she eyes me up. “Just tell us, Si.”

“I mean it when I say it’s nothing.” My voice gets quieter as I shift, reading the title. “It’s just fandom stuff. It’s really nothing.”

I hear her disgruntled huff as she turns back, mumbling something about me reacting too dramatically to this. “It isn’t even real.” It’s said under her breath, yet it still rings clear in my ears.

It isn’t really fake, either.

Hell, this is six pages of real. “Why Huxley Gastrell is, Without a Doubt, a Ravenclaw”. Shared by Basilton Pitch (is that his actual name?!). Fucking hell, it’s detailed to no ends. You’d think, with this much writing, there’d be pages of pointless filler where he’d just type “im gay hi huxley is also a gay we’re all gay here aren’t we”, but no. It’s full, grammatically correct sentences detailing his points.

It’s a bit much to read in the car, so I settle my mobile face down onto the seat as I’m left reeling. That… was a bit more than I’d expected.

Shit, did he write that for me?

This isn’t real. This can’t be real.

BAZ

Whoever says that having a flair for the dramatics is pointless has clearly never met me, because I wouldn’t quite call this masterpiece of an essay “pointless”. In fact, I should send it to academics. Rename it “A Study In Multi-Dimensional Characters and their Associated Generalized Personality Traits”. I’ll be hailed as a genius, as I deserve to be.

I crack my knuckles, and see the little person pop up.

Surely enough, it’s @bi-sammy’s name that he has listed online, Simon. It’s curious, he has his last name listed as “Snow”. Although, the smallest part of me believes it’s a pseudonym. Given our interactions, I doubt he’s clever enough to think of a solid pseudonym. And, even at that, why pick Snow?

Either way, it’s surprisingly endearing. Simon Snow. Sounds sweet. Sounds innocent.

I watch his cursor turn on, then his icon goes grey after a few moments. My heart starts to trip, making my cheeks begin to flush. Is… he ignoring this?

No. He can’t be. I put in hard work and dedication into this work, and I deserve the respect I’d sent into it. Fucking hell, three fully developed points (his devotion to intellectual work, his effort to step out of public light for Sam’s sake, and his overall lack of ambition for moving forward). I clearly set it out, and ended it properly; I’d proven that Huxley is a Ravenclaw. Case and point, opinion made, the end.

And, here I sit, watching him have the audacity to open it up then close it back. That was my hard work put in there, and he closes it? Who in the name of all that is sacred thinks he’s that above other people to the point where he just ignores--

Oh. He’s back on. Nevermind.

He’s… probably a school student. It’s roughly the time that most classes end, I suppose.

I make a mental apology to him, despite having never ranted directly to him in the first place.

He stays active for a good bit; long enough to show he’s reading. I assume that he’d just close off and message me, but after minutes, I notice a little highlighted comment pop up on the last sentence.

Simon Snow i………. owe you every single possible apology

Each word makes me grin like I haven’t in a while. A wide, cheek-creasing grin. There’s something so sweet to that--so personal. It feels like a note passed to me in a classroom under the tables. Like a cute “Blink if you like me”, although I doubt he has quite an intention.

Nevertheless, it warms my chest, sending my head back as I smile. I’m not sure whether or not it’s the satisfaction of winning, or his words, but I laugh outwardly into the room. It stays with me, reverberating onto my skin and my throat.

I look back at the comment, then leave it untouched. If he won’t remove it, then I won’t either.

With a glance at our personal messages tab, I figure that’s that. Even field, no more argument. No more interaction. It’s a bit of a shame, given the effort I’d just extorted for his sake, that he hasn’t answered in our chat.

While I’m disappointed to close off the document, I smile at it one last time. Sometimes I have to move on from random people, especially when they come on a bit strong.

Except, I find, moments later that I’m wrong about one thing--the moving on. He didn’t just stop his interaction, but instead made a public post.

“@bi-sammy mentioned you in a post!”

This time, I really laugh. A full bellied, hand-covering-mouth laugh.

i guess i have to suck @gayhuxell’s cock now because i was wrong and the bloody arse was right. huxley is a ravenclaw.

#fuck me i guess

I take a minute, rereading over his words a few times before typing a simple answer with my reblog.

i’m available anytime behind a mcdonald’s parking lot

[dangermousie]

Turkish shows I watched or tried to this week

Because why not! The good, the bad, and the ugly

Ask ve Ceza (Love and Punishment) - oldie but goodie about a woman who gets pregnant from a one-night stand. On the plus side, her partner in that is hot and also smitten at first sight. On the minus side, he gets married to someone else shortly after, his family is psycho, and the heroine doesn’t want the kid. The chemistry between the leads is great. They also play genuine adults, which is amazing (and the heroine is allowed to be ambivalent about the pregnancy; the only reason she doesn’t go through with the abortion is that she has a medical condition that would make it problematic.) It’s an “old” show and it’s rather startling to see how much more frank and less conservative it is than modern ones. I am on ep 7.  

Carpisma (Collision) - I am sort of watching it, because I love the leading actors and the concept of it (four people whose lives intersect in a literal car crash, who unite to take out an evil dude), but the execution is full of holes. Still, Kivanc plus an OTP or two means I won’t ditch it, even though I don’t love it as much as I thought I would. I am on ep 9 (so yes, behind.)

Halka (The Ring) - objectively speaking, this is probably the most solid of all the airing Turkish shows I am watching, but the fact that crime/detective/conspiracy genres are not really my thing, keeps it from being n1 favorite for me. Two men who are connected in complicated fashion trying to infiltrate a crime ring that took out their father (sort of, long story), tough mob girls etc. It’s very good. I have watched 8 eps. 

Hercai (Unreliable) - If you have been anywhere near my tumblr in the last few days, you saw my obsession over this. Yes, I realize, this is basically a mix of a Rosemary Rogers opus and a Japanese cellphone novel, and no, I don’t care. The old-fashioned and exotic to me setting, the delicious “he marries her for revenge on her father but falls for her” set-up, the chemistry between the actors, the sheer emo meloness of it all. I love it. Only one ep is out and I have devoured it.

Kalbimin Sultani (Sultan of my Heart) - if you want historical realism or nuanced politics, look elsewhere. If you love a gorgeous fairy tale though, come right in. Our heroine is a young Russian woman who is hired to be the governess to the Sultan’s children, but in reality she is there to spy. Unfortunately, she and the studly Sultan fall in love. Obstacles present themselves (though at least unlike some of the other Turkish heroes, the already-married status is no problem for the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire.) It really is darling. It was a Russian-Turkish co-production and I am watching the Russian version (with 24 eps of 45 minutes each) because while the Turks ended it early due to ratings, Russian TV ran the entire thing. I am on ep 1. 

Kara Sevda (Black Love) - sometimes, I am just in the mood for an exquisitely made and acted tragic love story. The hero of this is a smart, hardworking young man from a poor family. He meets a beautiful rich girl who falls for him and is willing to give up her society friends and wealth to be the wife of a mining engineer in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, a wealthy psycho who is obsessed with her manages to part the two. When the OTP meets again, it’s years later. She is unhappily married to the psycho, he is a rising star in his field, and they never got over each other. Bring on the tissues and the smelling salts. I am on ep 2.

Kardes Cocuklari (Sisters’ Children) - I am hardly the arbiter of highbrow tastes (see my obsession with Hercai), but this is pure soapy trash. Ancient secrets, lots of boring baddies getting too much screen time, romance sidelined due to weird family drama etc all mean I watch it in the background or fast forward through it. Still, there is enough there (mainly Afra, who I really love) to keep me watching. It’s by the writer of Fazilet and you can see a lot of the same issues Fazilet had, but sadly without the addictive obsession that was YagHaz. I am all caught up with this one.

Kuzgun (Raven) - revenge with a dash of romance where our protagonist plans revenge on all who destroyed his family and turned his childhood into hell. That includes his childhood BFF who is now (of course) a stunning blonde. This is somewhat less romantic and more revengy than I wanted, but it’s still a solid, deliciously angsty good time. Five eps are out and I have watched them all.

Samanyolu (The Milky Way) - they are first cousins in love! But she spurns him for an abusive husband! But never fear, that marriage ends and they may get together! Exclamation exclamation exclamation! I am only one ep in, but this is deliciously overwrought. It’s an older, complete show, so I will probably watch at my leisure aka very slowly.

Tek Yurek (United Heart) - it a hockey sports drama with some romance and other stuff thrown in. I liked the first ep, but I frankly don’t have enough time, so I will probably go back to it when my viewing list is shorter.

Vuslat (Reunion) - I tried, I really tried. I made it through five episodes before giving up out of sheer puzzled boredom. I could not follow the plot because it was so disjointed and rambling, most of the characters were unpleasant and boring (that includes the heroine - that actress is neither great at acting nor does she possess much onscreen charisma. Her chemistry with her leading man is nonexistent.) It seems to be doing well enough, but it’s cancelled to me. 

Yemin (Promise) - I have found a weekend family kdrama in a Turkish envelope! Our heroine is basically saintly - when we first see her, she is in prayer. She takes care of pigeons and her dead mother’s grave. She is so dutiful she agrees to marry some man she doesn’t know because her elderly “godfather” is dying and it’s his wish. Surprisingly, I love her anyway. But I feel bad she is going to be saddled with her arranged husband, who has little to recommend anyone. Frankly, I am more interested in whatever story will evolve around his very young uncle who is a single father to a mute little girl. He is not only good-looking but a really decent man. I kind of wish he was the one entering the arranged marriage. I am two eps in. 

[mischiefiswritten]

The Care and Keeping of Your Writeblr | Pt. 1 - Getting Started

Hello all, and welcome to my guide of possibly-useful, possibly-not advice for creating and maintaining your own writing blog and connecting with the online writing community.

I'm in no way an expert, nor am I the best, most popular writeblr out there. Not all the advice I post will work for or even appeal to everybody, but I'd like to share what I've observed and found useful in my own time running this writeblr sideblog.

This installment will be covering the basics of GETTING STARTED.

So you've decided you want to start a writeblr. Good for you! The writeblr community is a great place for motivation, inspiration, sharing ideas, getting feedback, collecting resources, and just having good old fashioned fun with other writers. It can be intimidating to try and enter into an established community, and it's okay to be nervous. But with few exceptions, this is a very friendly place.

Choosing your URL:

This is the first thing you're going to be asked to do when starting a new blog, whether it be a main blog or a sideblog. You'll want to put a fair amount of thought into this as it can influence the amount of traffic on your blog and changing it later can confuse your followers. This is the simplest, most straightforward piece of advice anyone can give you - put something about writing in your URL. It doesn't have to be some variant of 'writing' if you don't want it to, but consider different ideas related to the craft. Images of typewriters, pens, ink, etc. all bring writing instantly to mind. Also consider your genre. You could use an offshoot of that such as "name-does-scifi."

If you're making a sideblog, consider whether you want your writeblr url to be similar to your main URL. (That's what I did.) Remember that likes, follows, and comments will all show up as coming from your main blog's URL. It may help other writeblrs make the connection between the two, especially in your early days. This is of course just a matter of personal preference. Food for thought.

An effective URL will make it easier for others to find and connect with you!

Writing a Title and Description/Bio:

Once you've fired up that shiny new URL, you'll find a lovely white void awaiting you, yearning for all those lovely words you've got inside your head. First and foremost, you'll see big block letters that probably say 'Untitled' at the top of the page, right under the header image. Again, I suggest putting something about writing in your blog title. This is the first thing someone sees when they open your blog, and again it lets them know if it's likely to have the kind of content they're after. This isn't mandatory by any means - you do you - but it may help you gain traffic in the beginning. Some writers, like myself, simply use their URL as the title, others use the title of their WIP, and others put any phrase that strikes their fancy.

Under the title, there's a space for a description. Use this space to introduce yourself, your WIP (if you want) and your blog. It can be as vague, specific, serious, humorous, long, or minimalist as you like. Browse some other writeblrs to get an idea for what appeals to you. Remember you are under no obligation to share any personal information including name, age, or location. Your privacy is yours to protect in whatever ways you see fit.

As far as content goes, here are some things you may want to mention in your description depending on the kinds of posts you plan on sharing.

genres (young/new adult, adult, children's, fantasy, sci-fi, mystery, etc.)

original works or fanfiction?

are you open to participation in tag games?

WIP titles

writing tips, humor, encouragement

liveblogging your writing process/journey

guides, resources, and references

will you be posting much original content or mostly reblogs?

links to other accounts/pages (hyperlinks are supported)

If your writeblr is a sideblog, consider listing your main URL in the bio and your writeblr URL in the bio of your main. Many people like to follow back, but since they were notified of likes, follows, and comments via your main URL, they may not put two and two together without some assistance.

Makin' it Pretty:

It's what's on the inside that counts, that much is true. But we can't help but be attracted to polished looking blogs. Don't worry about being fancy right away (or ever)! Just think about making your blog look well cared for. How? Choose an avatar/profile picture, a header, colors and fonts, and a theme. (Also note that lacking all of the above, including title and bio, can make your blog look suspicious to cautious users.)

The mobile/in-dash version of your blog and your in-browser blog can be customized separately, but your avatar, title and description will appear in both. The mobile version will look much the same as everyone else's, with variations in font, colors, and pictures. Fonts and colors can be selected from the settings/edit appearance menu. You'll want to upload a jpeg for the avatar (which can be square or round) and header (which you can reposition). It doesn't matter much what these pictures are - just have them in mind so you can get them in right away!

The easiest way to make your in-browser blog look nice is to select a theme. There are several free ones available with an array of different features so you can get the most bang for your zero bucks. Many are color and font customizable as well and support links, pages, and widgets. If you install pages for your characters, your WIP, or whatever you want one for, people will be seeing those through the in-browser version of your blog. Themes make it easy for them to navigate! (Click on the paint palette icon to change your theme.)

Writeblr Lingo:

Writers are pretty much a subculture, and we speak our own jargon. Here on Tumblr, there are also extra terms you may want to be familiar with as you get started. Here's a basic glossary for your reference. (Some may seem obvious, but I make no assumptions.)

Writeblr: Write + Tumblr = writeblr; a Tumblr account focused on writing

OC: original character

WIP: work-in-progress

Ref: reference

Sci-Fi: science fiction

YA: young adult; a genre typically considered well-suited for an audience of ages 13-18 and/or centered around protagonists of ages 13-18

NA: new adult; a genre considered geared toward an audience of 18-30 and/or centered around protagonists of this age range (note that this is a fairly new genre and the associated age range is somewhat variable); often associated with transitions from young adulthood to 'real' adulthood in terms of lifestyle, personality, etc.

Mutuals: people who are following each other; ie you follow them AND they follow you

Tag(ging) Game: a game passed around via tagging other writers in the post; played in the text body; most have the name and how to play within the text body

Tagging: typing the @ symbol followed by the account's URL; typing @ will pull up a menu of suggested URLs that display the blogs' avatars and will update as you type

Bookblr: a close cousin of writeblr; this blog type focuses on reading published books and often includes reviews and recommendations

Rec: recommendation

Comments? Suggestions? Corrections? Additions? Let me know what you thought about this guide and if you have any ideas for future installments, which are coming soon. Happy writing, everybody.

[violetsystems]

#personal

I write here sometimes because it’s incredibly satisfying to be understood.  Some people take pictures.  I took pictures for years.  For a time I really believed that what I was doing was connecting with the world.  I traveled all over.  Spent weeks at a time in Asia by myself just wandering.  I shared it with ghostly friends and attachments.  I had understood it to be a precursor to a real connection.  That I was putting out this information on the internet to connect with someone.  Much like I had tried to make it in the music scene at one time to find likeminded people.  The one thing I’ve learned through failure is it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to.  It may just be from repetition that I’ve become more talented writing about the things I see and feel.  I’m never good enough at anything to be recognized or treated with some value in the real world.  I’ve had some of the same cryptic names cycle through my dash for years.  I’d argue sometimes that media here isn’t very social.  It’s rather communal.  A shared almost secret history of memes, idols, art and music.  You never have to clarify much.  Something here is cringe to one person and high art to others.  There’s this silent understanding that we’re all trying to move closer to what moves us.  We’re adrift in hidden connections plugged together like a Rhizome.  It’s all romantic shit if you grew up reading Gibson playing pen and paper Cyberpunk with a bunch of nerds.  But the world gets harder and harder to plug back into outside these delicate ebbs and flows of information.  I never really spent much time on Usenet back in the day other than to dig for mp3′s.  I grew up running Bulletin Board systems with my mother.  I was always writing.  I almost got expelled from a Christian High School for publishing a zine.  Some younger kids on my bus got a hold of it and claimed it was Satanic.  Half of the zine was about illustrations from people I met in real life.  Most of them were reminiscent of Pushead.  Very gory skate graphics.  The guy who drew them also designed flyers for punk bands.  Decades later I don’t really think there’s much difference between Tumblr and Zine culture.  Of all the things you’d have to wear the badge from high school, nobody really empathizes that I have become the patron saint of zine culture.  Of all the shit people could talk about me over the years.  He was a jungle dj.  Oh he was a footwork dj.  He was a white rapper.  He tried to skate but my friends are better than him.  He tried to make his own shirts.  I sold a lot of those here on Tumblr.  More so than knowing anyone in real life.  People get the impression I’m a lot of things.  I’m that guy you see helping the lady in the wheelchair in the grocery store find help.  This happened yesterday.  The woman thought I worked there.  There was an awkward sign on the door looking for a security guard for hire.  I spoke with the deli and got someone to assist.  For some reason everyone made the mistake of labeling me as a graffiti artist for years.  The police didn’t help.  I’ve had varying degrees of mistaken identity and my share of surveillance.  But I’ve never done anything other than run an apartment gallery for street art.  I was in the walk thru for an outside atm yesterday.  There was an angry white man scrubbing off some purple tags  with some orange zep.  I joked and said “get the led out!  He didn’t think it was funny.  He replied the people who lived in this neighborhood should do something about this.  I replied I lived here and there’s not much you can do.  He scolded me saying Chase could remove the atms as punishment.  He didn’t work for chase.  I told him I was more of a JP Morgan kind of guy.  Everybody on the internet thinks I’m the next roaring kitty but doesn’t want to admit it.  Or is that the other way around.  One thing I’m for certain.  I’ve been a lot of things and someone always tries to outdo me at being me.

I write here to parse the reality that nobody keeps score.  I keep track of my finances often.  For some reason, I’m doing about the best fiscally I’ve ever done just waiting for Godot.  I spoke with my dad last night about things.  I’ve had four packages go missing since mid April.  I’ve had people follow me around and give me weird looks.  I’ve had my locks tampered with.  I’ve had consistent fraudulent charges I’ve had to contend with.  It never ends.  It’s like a literal nightmare shit show outside the door at every moment.  I write here about it to simply let people know I do not think any of it is normal.  And generally, I start to believe that it never was.  I don’t drink anymore.  I don’t really have a problem with people who do.  But when people overdo it they forget how far they cross the line.  My biggest fear for this summer is the yolo effect.  That people will be so frustrated with being held back that they will use this summer as their ultimate party bus.  The shoe will be on the other foot.  If you wear a mask you are crazy to them.  Everyone will have the chance to speak their mind in public now.  They’ve been practicing on Facebook for fifteen months to tell you off.  Sometimes I feel like there’s a whole generation of people who think they stan me here.  Who go out into the wild and whisper what they think they’ve learned through reading comprehension about me.  I relish this.  Sort of like how Zizek talks of surveillance.  Let the dogs and the secret police learn something I say!  And you put it out there on the internet in any fashion and they will learn.  Often not in the way you want them to.  Which is why as a writer, obfuscation is the biggest weapon you have against nosy neighbors and pinkerton spies.  If I am even a writer at all.  This kind of activity just like my music isn’t considered anything of a skill.  There are a lot of people out there who can’t even reply in an email on LinkedIn with the spell check on.  If I have all these skills.  If I have all these things I’ve been.  Why am I in this situation particularly?  Why hasn’t anyone noticed how badly it is I am suffering on the inside?  Technically I’m not suffering as near as I was a year ago.  I’m out of debt.  I’ve gotten rid of a lot of excess baggage.  I’ve kept healthy by working out in my home.  I’ve adjusted to the reality that nobody ever gets it but me.  I’ve plugged myself into investments that I took the full risk on.  I’ve literally crawled from the ashes of a situation meant to break me.  And my consolation prize is that nobody ever.  And I mean EVER.  Talks.  About it.  What happened to me.  How fucking horrible it is.  How fucking wrong it all is.  All the way back to when I first started trying to be recognized as me.  To be valued.  I have to stop myself there.  I write here often and I feel to a certain group of dear friends it is valued.  That my context is understood a little more deeply than “maybe we can use this guy.”  I’ve been used on levels that would make you vomit in public.  And I’ve been gaslighted enough to know that there’s no use in trying to prove it.  I’m supposed to move on and understand the rules.  There are no rules out here.  There’s a semblance of order when people stand in front of cameras or their zoom mic.  When they’re shouting from their “platform” to change the world.  Nobody ever talks.  Nobody really listens.  And for that I feel we’re all growing tired of a world that simply shouts out it’s demands.  I wake up to the same reality every morning.  Nobody texts.  Nobody invites me out to socialize.  Everybody has something to say to me and it’s never “How are you doing?”  None of it really matters to me from simple statistical observation.  If I haven’t changed your mind by now, you don’t really want to know what I’m thinking.

When you get stuck.  And who knows if you will.  But when you get stuck like me.  It takes a lot of positivity to stay focused.  I go out and try to do things often.  But people will spoil that solitude with some bullshit excuse like “This is America.  I’m free to do what I want when I want.”  At the expense of others.  And out here, I’d love to tell you how I survive when nothing changes.  I stay out of the way.  I am so fucking disassociated from this place that it feels evil.  I’ve been in this city over two decades.  You would think a person like me would have some kind of culture other than being hunted and tested every turn.  Who knows who the ring leader is anymore.  People read what I write and then take it their own way.  Nobody really cares for my well being out here.  That’s self love talking.  And I am being real.  People have manipulated my entire life and put my safety at risk for the sake of some sort of performance.  Some of that is just life.  Some of that I accept because it’s the way this lane operates.  But nowhere in this journey have I sacrificed my authenticity for some big payoff.  I don’t even know what the fuck is going on with people anymore.  It is okay to remove yourself from a series of toxic situations.  It is okay to reset.  It is okay to understand that the pandemic might have reset everything for you back to square one.  It is okay to let go of social obligations that never valued you as a person.  It is okay to keep wearing a mask.  It is okay to say no.  It is okay to walk away from a disrespectful situation and rely on yourself.  It is also hard as fuck in practice.  If anyone can learn anything from me it is that you literally are asking for it.  The old fuck around and find out.  Except I’ve found out a lot more than just how charming I can be to the right person by being thoughtful and consistent.  I’ve learned the FOMO of trying to participate in a pyramid is not the kind of leverage I’m interested in.  I’ve learned that debt rhymes with net.  I’ve learned how to keep that somewhat stable in one of the most fucked up economic shitstorms in America.  I’ve learned I’m not eligible for the things people assume I’m on.  Like unemployment.  I’ve learned health insurance costs as much as my rent.  Which is a great deal on rent.  I’ve learned that making hamburgers and freezing them are delicious.  But even then you’d have to pay me more than fifteen dollars an hour.  I’ve learned this entire thing is my fault.  And I’ve written about it for years.  And yet nobody seems to want to have a conversation about it.  They just keep on assuming.  People are sleepwalking out there.  Some people are really good at faking it.  But then you follow their lead and end up in the same laugh out loud shit show.  When you get stuck, it’s best to count your blessings.  At least people might somewhere understand why I do the things that I do.  Why I think it’s completely futile to try to do anything drastic when everything always fails.  Why I’ve given up on believing that people have my best interest at heart in a city that’s ignored me for over a year.  I write to keep a clear narration of how I’m trying to tackle a problem far bigger than me.  I deal with it by staying out of the way.  Out of sight.  Trapped in a corner shack lighthouse in a highly accessible city.  With no end of people trying to access me.  To chip on through.  I wonder if you got to the center of all this.  If you really solved the mystery.  I wonder if you’d finally break down and cry.  That you’ve been wrong about me for this long.  There’s no mystery to solve about me other than why I keep writing on a dead platform.  And why the general public secretly pays so much attention to every word I type.  I don’t really “wonder” anymore.  I just know.  <3 Tim

[snowbellewells]

“Ghosts of Christmases Past”

In honor of Christmas being just a few days away, and because I love Christmas fic, I’m going to self-promo some older holiday fics I posted (mostly on ff.net before I was active on Tumblr) each day up until the 25th, and then I get to unveil some new work for the season (hopefully!)  Please enjoy!! This first one was written back during the Season 3 winter/Christmas hiatus, when Emma and Henry were in NYC without their memories of everyone else.  Graham plays an important part in this one from beyond the grave, and it draws some from Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”.  Obviously it’s AU, and re-imagines the last couple scenes from the winter finale.  This might easily be the longest one-shot I’ve ever written, but more just kept coming as I wrote.  I’d love it if you dropped me a line to let me know what you think when you’ve finished reading.  Sadly, Killian has yet to be found under my tree, so I still don’t own them…

“Ghost of Christmases Past”

By: snowbellewells (TutorGirlml on ff.net)

                 White, downy flakes filter through the air lightly, gently, like the inside of a snow globe, falling to the bustling, slushy, grey sidewalks of New York City.  Looking down from her window, Emma Swan marvels at how the city never stops, never slows, no matter the weather or time of day.  The people packing the streets below are bundled up and hurrying in every direction, like busy ants in a hill, all with a mission: things to do, errands to run, and little time to waste stopping to admire the snow or dwell on the fact that it is only two days until Christmas.

               She supposes she would be the same way if it were not for Henry. Having a child makes it important to keep the holiday alive, to follow the traditions and enjoy them – savor them – as they pass.  She has closed her private detective office for the last two days to make sure she will have time to do all the Christmas activities she enjoys with him, and it will remain closed until the New Year.  Peoples’ desire to catch their spouse cheating or discover a secret gambling habit doesn’t suit the holidays at any rate and so business had been slow.

               Emma can hear her son in his bedroom down the hall now, talking with one of his friends from school and planning when they are going to go sledding at their favorite hill then follow up with hot chocolate and videogames at the other boy’s house.  She smiles pensively, pleased at how happy Henry sounds.  She is glad her son is making friends this school year.  He’s so thoughtful, smart, and serious that in the past he has not always found it easy to make friends his own age, preferring her company, or that of other adults.  While she treasures being so close with her only child, Emma never wants him to be left out, but to belong with friends of his own as well.  For some reason that flits at the edge of her consciousness – that she cannot quite remember – the idea of being without friends and alone causes a dull ache in her, one that she feels is more than the fact that she doesn’t connect with a lot of people herself.  It is something from her history, which is disturbingly fuzzy to her, and she can’t quite put a finger on it.  

               Her head turns from the wintry scene outside to her son entering the room when she hears the sound of his footsteps drawing nearer.  “Hey Mom,” he greets; looking excited already, eyes bright with enthusiasm.  “Nate’s mom is going to pick me up here to go sledding, and she’ll bring me back in the morning.  That’s still okay, right?”

               “Yeah, Kid,” she grins, ruffling his hair as she rises to stand before him, letting her fingers linger for a moment.  “I told you it would be fine.  Just…be careful, okay?  Don’t get too rowdy and hurt yourselves.”

               “You’ve got it, Mom,” he agrees, always so good, so happy to please her that it continues to surprise Emma as he edges into a teenager.  She is constantly expecting the angst and trauma she experienced herself in those years, and continually breathing a sigh of relief when Henry shows no signs of morphing into an angry, trying adolescent.

               “Did you pack your overnight bag?” she asks.

               “Yep, right here.”

          A knock sounds on the door a few minutes later, and Emma goes to answer it, introducing herself to Nate’s mother, setting a time for Henry to be home the next morning, and exchanging cell phone numbers with the other woman.  She gives Henry a quick, one-armed squeeze of a hug as he heads out the door, unable to resist, even with his friends nearby, but Henry doesn’t seem to mind much, wrapping one arm around her waist in return and squeezing back for a second.

        When Henry is gone, the apartment feels empty and slightly less warm, but Emma moves quickly to avoid reflecting on it too much.  She goes into the kitchen, makes herself some hot cocoa, and tilts her head to one side in contemplation for a moment.  Then, she digs into a seldom-opened cabinet, digs out a bottle of Jameson’s and pours a healthy measure in, making her drink “Irish” and then giggling briefly at how ironic and apt it seems, despite not understanding why.  Topping the whole thing off with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon, she carries the mug and a novel she has been wanting to read back into the living room. Curling up on one end of the couch, Emma tucks her feet under herself and sips the warm, chocolate-y liquid, savoring the extra warm burn as it soothes its way down her throat.  She forces herself not to wonder what she will do with herself alone all evening, and instead enjoys the cozy fire in the hearth and the two stockings and twinkling lights they have hung above it.  Slowly, as the flames lull her into a trance, the warmth surrounds her, and she starts to drowsily relax, she sets her drink on the coffee table and slowly drifts to sleep.  Soon, she is wrapped in the comfort of a deep dream…

~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

               Emma becomes aware of her surroundings again in some sort of strange, blank space, somewhat grey and faded looking, hazy at the edges.  Even though it seems preposterous, she can’t help wondering if she has awakened in some sort of dream world.  Instead of being alarmed however, she is merely curious what will happen next.

               At that moment, the form of someone begins to walk toward her out of the mist.  She tenses, having no idea who or what to expect, but as the person’s form becomes clearer, Emma feels her body relax, though she cannot clearly explain why. Something oddly familiar about the person now stopping to stand before her face-to-face eases her mind, though she has no concrete memory of him or why this should be so.  The man now studies her with equal interest and curiosity, and he has a charmingly shy and almost old-fashioned air about him.  He stands three or four inches taller than she does, is lean and handsome, with a head full of thick, honey-colored curls that messily fall onto his forehead.  His eyes sparkle pleasantly when he graces her with a tentative smile in greeting and holds out a hand to shake hers.  He is dressed in a collared button-down shirt under a fitted vest, and when he does speak, Emma is charmed by the lilting Irish accent in his voice. “Hello, Emma,” he begins warmly, that brogue caressing her name as if it is treasure.  “It’s good to see you again.”

               She is taken aback by this gorgeous stranger knowing who she is and more so by the fact that he seems to think she knows him as well. “I’m sorry. Do I know you?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at him skeptically.

               “You did once,” he responds, a trace of sadness in his inflection, “but I realize that you might not now.”

               “Excuse me?” she questions, her heart fluttering a bit in anxious confusion at his words. “That doesn’t make any sense.

               “I know it may not at the moment,” the stranger replies, “but give me just a bit of time.  I think it will all become clear.”

               Emma shakes her head, suddenly wanting out of this confused dream. However, nothing changes, and with a sigh, she sees no other option but to consent to this man’s wishes. He doesn’t seem to mean her any harm, at any rate.  She nods, and with a beaming smile, he extends a hand to her.  “Try something new…” he urges gently, the words causing a shiver of recognition to run through her, “it’s called trust.”  Though she would swear it was in a voice of another timbre, in a different mood, in another time and place, she has heard those words before.

               She tilts her head, looking at him more closely, trying to understand. “What did you say?” she whispers, stunned.

               “Trust me,” he repeats, looking her steadily in the eyes, no lies or trickery in his gaze.  “Take my hand.  There are things I have to show you, and there isn’t much time.”

               The moment Emma reaches out and lets his warm fingers wrap around hers, she feels a lurch in her stomach, a jerk forward, and suddenly they are whirling in space, traveling into the unknown at the speed of light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~

               They land with an impact that almost knocks her to her knees but the stranger catches her elbow and keeps her upright.  Catching her breath and trying to still the rolling in her stomach and her disorientation, she demands, “What was that?!  Who are you?  How did you do that?!”

               “For now, let’s just say that I am your guardian angel, Emma,” is all he will tell her.  Instead he turns her to face the building they have landed in front of.  “Does this place look familiar to you?”

               She stares at the house before them – simple, plain, but with a bright, royal blue front door – and something like recognition flickers in her mind. She isn’t sure what happened, or when it did, but it does seem as if she has stood here many times before.  Enough so that it seems natural to reach out, turn the knob, and step through into the house.

               The house seems normal, like any typical suburban home.  There is a nondescript entryway with a hall tree full of coats and jackets, an archway leading further into the house, and stairs decked with garland on the banister heading up to the second floor.  She can hear warm chatter from further in, and curiously she follows the sound, still hoping to discover where she is and why this place seems familiar.

               Reaching the archway, she peers into a living room lit by a Christmas tree and inhabited by a man and woman who bring a quick prick of tears to her eyes, though she is again powerless to explain this reaction.  Then, suddenly, she freezes, unable to speak, move, or hardly breathe, as she lays eyes on the third and final occupant of the room. This isn’t so much definite memory, but a clenching in her chest and shivering over her skin that tells her – impossibly – that this golden-chaired child crouching by the tree is her, many, many Christmases ago.

               As she watches, an unsettled sense of knowing what came next washes over her.  Realizing that, though the memory wasn’t in her head before she was transported here, she knows this scene is about to become a painful nightmare for the little girl clutching a single present before her.  Emma turns to face her enigmatic companion, hissing over her shoulder as though someone might detect her presence, “What is going on here?!”

               “It’s you, Emma,” he whispers in that melodic voice of his, though she catches sadness and longing in its enchanting lilt as well this time.  “This is a vision of an important Christmas in your past.”

               “Why?” she presses, almost frighteningly needing to understand, and realizing that she does not want to be here as she sees the two familiar adults beckon her child-self to sit on the couch between them, and her child-self obey warily, as if she too already sees that something isn’t right.            

Her mysterious guest turns his eyes on her fully then, intense and undeniable, “Because it’s time for you to remember now, to know who you truly are again.”

“I know who I am.  This is ridiculous!  Why do this place and these people seem familiar when I don’t know them?!”

“Emma,” he says softly, laying a hand on her shoulder, “you do know them.  Pay attention.  Open your mind and heart; you will understand before we are done.  We can’t stop now.”

With a frustrated growl, she gives up trying to talk to him and turns back to the scene unfolding before her. The little girl Emma has unwrapped the box she was clutching and pulled out a lovely necklace, honestly one probably too nice for a child that size, with a delicate silver chain and a crystal circlet as its charm.  Emma lets out a strangled gasp as she glances down, fingering the very necklace she still wears around her neck, the one she had always worn with a swan talisman as well. The other necklace is gone, she realizes, and she doesn’t know where it went, or where either one had come from – until now.

More engrossed, and yet also more fearful than ever, she looks back to the Christmas-y scene.  Now the two adults are talking and the child’s lower lip is trembling.  The child is about to cry, and Emma feels a heartbreaking knowledge and panic clawing up her chest.  ‘They don’t want her – me – anymore,’ her mind races, knowing the truth without a doubt, and actually remembering the moment she sees.  ‘They’re sending me away.  That necklace was to help me remember them, to say that they would always care, never forget me…They wanted me to know that their affection was never-ending, like a circle.  I kept it all these years to remind myself that no gift is free.  Don’t get too comfortable in anyone’s affection; they’ll change their mind and take it away.’

The little girl is asking a question, and Emma’s gut recoils even looking on.  As if she could actually hear it, the question echoes in her mind, ‘Did I do something wrong?  Was I bad?’  The tears are streaming down the child’s cheeks now, and Emma feels them on her own as well.

               “Enough,” she gasps, looking at her guide, almost allowing herself to plead with him.  “I don’t want to see this anymore.  Please. I remember this, alright?  Just please…get me out of here.”

               She is surprised to see what seem to be tears in his eyes for her as well. He cups her face in his hand, light like the brush of wings and ephemeral, but comforting nonetheless.  He’s sad for her, she realizes with a pang. He understands like he has felt this sort of pain as well.  He nods in assent to her request, and does as she asks.  The painful memory she has been witnessing fades away, and Emma wonders where they will end up next.

~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~

               When the whirling, spinning sensation eases this time, Emma is shocked once again, both to recognize herself before her more immediately and to see herself seated with legs crossed in a jail cell.  She glances to the handsome, curly-headed stranger who has brought her here and still lingers at her side, but he offers no clues, only a small smile, intended to encourage she thinks.

               Shaking her head, she wonders why she expected anything else at this point and turns her attention back to the picture before her, where quite a few years have obviously passed.  This version of herself is no longer a child; though the sad, lost, lonely look is still in her eyes, it is even harder and clearer in a young woman’s face.  She appears hardened; something has happened to teach her the lesson over again – for good this time – don’t trust, people leave.  Her hair is still long and golden, and she still wears the crystal circle charm around her neck.  Now, though, hanging below it, is a second pendant, one with a dark circle bearing a white swan.  Flashes of memories return to her at the sight of it: a dark-haired man, a yellow car, the twinkle in the man’s eyes as he gives her the swan on a keychain, a map of Florida, a hotel room, his quick smile and her light, carefree laughter in return.  “Neal,” she whispers, stunned that she knows the name belonging to the face in her mind’s eye.

               She watches this younger version of herself with a single tear staining her cheeks, head bowed, and knows that in the moment a tiny smile graces her careworn face a bit of happiness and wonder is felt.  She places a hand on her slightly rounded stomach to feel a light kick from inside herself. “Henry,” she whispers again with certainty.  She knows this should seem preposterous, finding herself in situations she has not remembered until this moment.  Yet, the sense of awe at seeing, feeling, Henry within her, all the hope and family she has ever known, fills her with too much wonder to question it further.

               “That’s me, with Henry,” she tells her companion, “but how is that possible? I was never in jail.  Henry is with me, and he wouldn’t have been if…”

               She trails off, even before the stranger begins to shake his head slowly. “Henry wasn’t always with you, Emma. He found you again.  There are many times it may be painful, but the truth is coming back to you.  You’re regaining your story.”

               “I would never leave Henry,” she protests, but then she looks back at herself in the memory, sees the still-so-young face go pained and frightened again, watches the past her tilt her head to hear Christmas carols sung elsewhere in the prison though she has chosen not to join in.  Her eyes fall downward to her hand on her stomach, rubbing soothingly, but she can feel the self-doubt and fear churning her gut as if she were still back in that day.  She hadn’t known how to care for a baby, or how she would provide for him once she got out…  Could it be? She couldn’t have!  Shaking her head, Emma turns to her guide once more, again more than ready to leave behind the feeling rushing back over her.

               This time she doesn’t have to ask.  His intriguing eyes understand; full of empathy and warmth, he holds a hand out for Emma to place hers within.  She is only too grateful to welcome the pull as they began to move once more.

~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~

               At their third destination, there are no former versions of her before them, only a quiet grove of trees dusted lightly with freshly fallen snow. She steps forward, studying her surroundings, breath quickening as she becomes certain she has been here before as well.  This time it seems more immediate, closer to the surface of her consciousness.  She turns to speak to her familiar “guardian angel”, but for the first time, she doesn’t find him by her side.

               Emma keeps walking forward and beneath the bare bows of a large tree in the center of the clearing, she finds a nondescript headstone.  Kneeling, she brushes snow away, brow furrowing, looking for a name she feels sure she will know.  However, all she finds inscribed on the surface is a simple cross and a date, in the fall, two years before.

               ‘This was last Christmas,’ Emma thinks to herself.  ‘I was alone for the holidays, and I didn’t think he should be too.’  She purses her lips, resting her hand atop the granite stone, reluctant to break contact and striving to remember just who this ‘he’ is that she feels so connected to.

               “It’s my gravestone,” that warm, accented voice speaks from over her shoulder. Her otherworldly visitor is back again, and Emma turns to ask where he had gone, but when their eyes meet this time, it all comes flooding back.  Just as she had once brought back all that had been lost to him, he now reveals to her all that had been shrouded in her mind.

               “Graham?” she asks hopefully, blinking back tears.  She already knows the answer, knows it is true, knows he is the sheriff who befriended her when she first came to Storybrooke.  Emma is almost overwhelmed with all that has happened, which she had somehow lost.  He saved her mother – Snow White – and the Evil Queen took his heart in retribution. They kissed once, and he regained his free will.  The Queen – Regina – then crushed his heart.  Her own heart squeezes painfully at that memory, and she reaches out for Graham’s hand as he confirms her question with a silent nod.  However, on contact, her hand slips through his as simply as if he were made of smoke or vapor.

               “It is me, Emma,” he says, his voice still beautiful, but also more laced with pain, not so much for himself as for her, “but I’m not really here. You saw me die.  I’m here because it’s time for you to be the Savior once more. Someone had to help you regain all the memories lost to you – even if it hurt.  It had to be someone you would believe, someone you would trust – and that is a gift you do not bestow easily.  I was given this Christmas Eve night to show you, who you have been, who you are, and who you yet might be.”

               Emma wishes desperately to embrace him, tears silently racing down her cheeks and under her chin unchecked now.  She reaches up to touch his cheek, even though she can’t truly feel him, unable to stop herself.  His eyes flutter closed for a moment, letting out a blissful sigh, as if he can somehow feel her touch.  And yet, even as they share this quiet minute, other memories are still rushing back in.  She and her mother traveled to the Enchanted Forest, Captain Hook followed them back to seek his revenge on Rumplestiltskin, Neal had found out they had a son, Henry had been kidnapped, they had all gone through a portal and challenged a psychotic Peter Pan to get him back.  How could she ever have forgotten all this?

               Graham’s gentle voice answers her internal question before she can put it into words.  “There was a second curse.  Everyone was sent back where they were from, save you and Henry.  That’s why you don’t remember.  Regina made it so you would feel you and Henry had always been together, like you had never given him up.”

               Sighing, Emma bows her head, once more taking up the weight of pain, missed chances, guilt, and loss that she had been without in her curse-created fog. She cannot decide which reality is worse for a long time as she stares at Graham with all the missing pieces sliding back into place at last.  It is awful to think that so much could have been lost to her forever – her parents, her friends, allies – and she would have never have known the difference. Yes, she had been without the pain of the past, but it had cost her huge chunks of her present and future.

               “So, why now?” she asks him, deciding not to dwell on what cannot be changed.  She has always been a person of action, and that is no different in this moment. “Why were you allowed to help me remember?”

               “I don’t know the whys; I only know that I was,” he responds, his voice low, soothing, comforting her with its caring and friendship, as it always had. “You are once again their only hope. You parents and everyone else in the Enchanted Forest need you to save them once more.  I begged for the chance to be the messenger, in order to see you again, and to tell you this: Emma, there’s a chance before you, but you have to fully trust, to offer you heart and take a leap of faith in order to grasp it. I once hoped that I might be that one for you, but since that was not to be, I don’t want to watch you let this pass you by.  There is someone for you.  Someone who will stand by you, who will always back you, who will always find you. Just as your mother has in your father, you too have a True Love.”

               He can sense her about to interrupt, so he raises a hand to halt her words, swallows hard, and continues.  “You already know who he is; you simply will not let yourself admit it. I can see in your eyes that I’m right. He has returned to your mind and your heart with all of your other memories.”

               Emma shakes her head and starts to protest, more scared of the vulnerability she feels than the actual idea of her True Love.  “No, he can’t be my True Love.  It can’t be – “

               Graham comes so close that if he were still flesh and blood their foreheads would be touching.  “Emma,” he breathes, “please, let me show you one more Christmas – your Christmas future, if you will only let yourself be happy.  You don’t always have to be alone.”

               The fight drains from her at his earnest request and she nods her head in agreement.  Once more, things go hazy, and then she sees a simple living room all decked out for Christmas.  Three stockings hang over a crackling fire in a stone fireplace, a tree twinkles with lights and silver balls.  She sees Henry looking taller and broader shouldered, sitting in a chair looking happy, comfortable, and deep in conversation with someone in another chair facing him, someone she cannot see from where she stands.  Then she sees herself entering the room.  There are a few more laugh lines around her eyes, there might be a few more years of age showing on her face, but she doesn’t think she has changed much until her eyes reach her future self’s midsection.  She is clearly carrying a second child and looks to be practically glowing in the expectant joy of a second chance to be a mom from the very start.

               “Hot cocoa is ready!” she announces happily, the tray of three steaming mugs in her hand.  The figure that had been hidden by the chair’s back before stands and quickly moves to her side, taking the tray and ushering her to his vacated seat.  “Why didn’t you call me, Lass?” the rich, silky voice questions.  “I would have helped you.”

               Emma watches the scene unfold with bated breath.  She and Henry are with Killian Jones – Captain Hook – and they appear to be a happy, blissful family, with a baby on the way.  Those stunning blue eyes near steal her breath as he passes the tray off to Henry and then makes sure she is settled comfortably with her feet propped up.  His protective hand comes to rest on her rounded stomach, worrying over her, a first time prospective papa through and through.  “You need to take it easy, Emma Love,” he adds, obviously not the first time he has said those words.

               “You worry too much,” she assures him, though touched at how much he clearly cares for her.

               “Aye, that I do Lass, but only because I love you and the little one, so much.”  He leans down to kiss her deeply, she tilts her head back to meet his lips, and she melts a little inside, only pulling away when Henry playfully groans and tells them to get a room.

               They are all laughing happily as the scene fades and she is back to standing with Graham at the edge of Storybrooke’s cemetery, snow still falling around them.  She looks at him once more wonderingly. “Can that really be my future?” she asks, unable to help the hope and desire in her voice.

               “It can be if you will allow it,” he replies sincerely.

               She believes him, and in turn finds that she wants that future more than she has ever wanted anything.  A hesitation, then a pang of sadness stabs her though as she continues to study his face. “What about you?  Are you alright?” she asks.  “I wish I had understood then, that I would have believed you before she could…” she trails off.  “You do know that I cared for you – as much as I was able to then – don’t you?”

               “Yes, Emma, of course I do,” he assures her kindly.  “My curse is lifted.  I’m free now.  I want you to be free as well.  You have a wonderful life yet to live.  He is a good man.  You both deserve the chance to be healed.”

               He brushes an errant tear (at this point she is sure she’s shed more tears this night than in the whole rest of her life) off her cheek, and it feels like a breath of air it is so soft and light.  “Be happy, Emma…” his voice echoes, and then Graham is gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~vvvvvvvvvvvvvv~~~~~~~~~~~~

               Emma is disoriented when she wakes the next morning on her couch.  She tries to blink blearily and clear her head, but she knows somehow that the images, people, and places flashing through her mind, the dreams she had the night before, are all real.  

               Henry returns and seems no different, so they happily carry on just as they have been, enjoying the holiday season together.  Emma is different inside though; she knows there is more now.  There is another world and others she loves that she has to get back to.  She only needs to find the way.

               She bides her time, watching and waiting.  So, one day, when he appears at her door, she is ready.  She knows Killian Jones when he returns to her, but she doesn’t stop him when he kisses her; she wants the confirmation, wants to feel that pulse of pure love between them, and wants the curse on Henry’s memories to be broken as well. Wants her son to know as surely as she does that this was all meant to be.

               Their kiss takes her breath away; the power and light radiating from them nearly bowls her over, and the joy and awe on Killian’s face enchants her. Henry comes to them at the door; his believer’s heart much easier to convince than her stubborn heart had been, and he is ready to follow.  Killian offers her his hand, and she takes it, finally ready to make a leap of faith and let him lead them home.

Tagging some lovely friends who might enjoy: @drowned-dreamer @cat-sophia @laschatzi @whimsicallyenchantedrose @kmomof4 @flslp87 @captain-swan-coffee @bromfieldhall @hollyethecurious @icecubelotr44 @blowmiakisscolin @singingisfun @ps1473-4

[assbutt-of-the-readers]

Just go answer all those questions for me, k? Okay 💚

Oh my god m e l a n i e.

1: (truth) Who was your first major celebrity crush? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle and post the first five songs.

Truth- Tbh, it was Chris Pratt. I still love that he’s great

Dare- New Divide by Linkin Park,  Really Don’t Care By Demi Lovato, Castle Of Glass by Link Park, Out Of The Woods by Taylor Swift, We Are Young by F. U . N.

2: (truth) What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you in the past week? (dare) Refresh your dashboard and send an anonymous compliment to the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash.

Truth- I sat on food but tbh, that wasn’t that embarrassing 

dare- :)

5: (truth) If your parents knew everything you’ve ever done, what would they think is the worst thing? (dare) Tag the three nonmutuals you admire most.

Truth- Honestly, probably not. I dont do things they would be ashamed of. Would they think im an dumbass? Probably. 

Dare- n o 

6: (truth) What is the last thing you purchased? (dare) Tag three people you’ve thirst followed.

Truth- uh… I think it was beef jerky

Dare- I dont really thirst follow people, i usually just follow back xD 

7: (truth) How many hours did you sleep last night? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to the last person who followed you.

Truth- like 8 I think?

dare-:D

8: (truth) If you could go on a date with any of your mutuals, who would it be and what would you do? (dare) Send an anonymous compliment to one of your four “Biggest Fans” on tumblr.

Truth- It would be @the-lady-wisteria bc she’s my best friend and I’d probably go to a park or something with her. 

Dare- ;D

9: (truth) How did you meet your best friend? (dare) Refresh your dashboard. Open the blog of the person who posted whatever’s at the top of your dash. Reblog their most recent selfie.

Truth- Through Tumblr and school!:D

Dare- they dont have any selfies :c

10: (truth) What was your favorite band five years ago? (dare) Tag a blog that posts very different content from yours, but that you couldn’t imagine not following.

Truth- Theory Of A Dead Man!

Dare- @coltsandquills

11: (truth) Where did you get each article of clothing you’re wearing right now? (dare) Pick up the closest book to you. Turn to page 39 and copy down line 7.

Truth- Walmart lmao

Dare- “Oh wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake.” 

12: (truth) What are your five favorite girls’ names and five favorite boys’ names? (dare) Copy and paste the 14th line of text from the last document you worked on in Word or Google Drive.

Truth- Girls are Raven, Lillyana, Mia, Emma, and Sofia! Guys are Christian, Nicholas, Noah, William, and Alexander.

Dare-The sun shines bright throughout the ego house.

13: (truth) What’s your most irrational fear? (dare) Tag five mutuals who take amazing selfies.

Truth- Little spiders tbh

Dare- I cannot for most of mine do not take selfies and I’ve already tagged the ones who do :c

14: (truth) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life (consisting of clothes you already own), what would it be? (dare) Tag someone you follow who has amazing fashion sense.

Truth- This beige sweater I have and a pair of jeans with some black boots I have!

Dare- i cannot do that for I am a but a scared chicken

15: (truth) If you could rock any unusual article of clothing/makeup technique/hairstyle, what would it be? (dare) Go to the blog of the last person you reblogged a text post from. Reblog your favorite of their selfies.

Truth- Probably yellow eye shadow or lipstick! I’ve always thought those were pretty but I’d look like trash wearing them haha

Dare- :D

16: (truth) What is your dream job? (dare) Post the four most recent pictures in your camera roll.

Truth- To be a school counselor! 

Dare- ha h ah a  n o 

17: (truth) Where is the last place you went that took over two hours to get to? (dare) Post screenshots of your phone’s lock screen and home screen.

Truth- Indianapolis for Comic Con, I think!

Dare- Nah

18: (truth) How old were you when you had your first kiss? If you haven’t had it yet, how old do you want to be? (dare) Go to the last app/tab you opened. Post a screenshot.

Truth- Never -dabs-

Dare- Imma passsss

19: (truth) What is the first thing you remember having to keep secret? (dare) Tag five bloggers who you associate with being obsessed with something particular, and list what each of them is obsessed with.

Truth- My best friend being bi!

Dare- I am too chicken for this

20: (truth) What does your bedroom look like? (dare) Take one selfie and post it. You only get one shot! (No old selfies or retrying, even if you think you look bad)

Truth- Messy af

Dare- n o p e  i   l o o k   l i k  e  t r a s h

21: (truth) What three fictional characters would you most like to meet? (dare) Write your name down on a piece of paper and draw a quick picture of yourself. Take a photo of it and post it.

Truth- Hmm… Max Ride from Maximum Ride series, Emma Swan from Once Upon A Time, and Charlie from Supernatural!

Dare- nah

22: (truth) What are three things you’re looking forward to? (dare) Tag the last three people you reblogged posts from, and estimate how many followers they have.

Truth- Christmas, Show Choir season, and seeing you at PAX nerd.

Dare- ha no

24: (truth) If you could only own five material objects (not counting life necessities like food/water/a house/etc) what would they be? (dare) Put your music player on shuffle. Post what the first three songs are, and for each one, tag a blog that the song reminds you of.

Truth- My laptop, this necklace I have, two books, and my phone

Dare- High way to Hell by AC/DC which reminds me of @the-lady-wisteria, Mad Hatter by Melanie Martiez reminds me of @ill-spink, Another One Bites The Dust by Queen reminds me @dreamsoffallingstars

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about? (dare) Tag three people you want to know better and ask them each three questions about themselves.

Truth-I actually can’t remember 

26: (truth) What’s the last movie you watched? (dare) Reblog the most recent of your own selfies posted on tumblr, and in the tags say two things you like about your appearance in it?

Truth- It was a Harry Potter movie!

Dare-I dont have selfies lmaoooo

27: (truth) What are three things you like about yourself unrelated to your appearance? (dare) Post a picture from your camera roll that you’ve been meaning to post on tumblr.

Truth- I’m pretty patient, I try to always be nice, and I’m pretty friendly!

Dare- Nooooo

28: (truth) How do you take your coffee? (dare) Post the last picture you posted on a social media platform other than tumblr.

Truth- I don’t drink coffee!

Dare- nah

29: (truth) What are your worst habits? (dare) Put your Top 25 Most Played songs on shuffle and list the first five.

Truth- I rip my nail end off and I really shouldn’t 

Dare-Tears Don’t Fall by  Bullet For My Valentine, Emperors New Clothes by Panic! At The Disco, Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson, Bad Company by Five Finger Death Punch, and I’m Not An Angel by Halestorm.

30: (truth) What is the last thing you did that you have to keep secret from someone? Who do you have to keep it secret from? (dare) Tag five blogs with great URLs.

Truth-Buy Christmas presents and just my family and friends

Dare- @staticandglitches, @lum1natrix, @purrtlepuff, @a-sad-bag-of-potatoes, @cinnamon-grump

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Snow you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Dirk Cresswell!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

It’s always so amazing to me that so many people choose to come back to Crimson and it’s such a joy to see your Dirk come back to life in your app! I know I speak for many when I say that you took a character that none of us knew much about and brought with him a personality that we couldn’t forget. It’s so good to see you again and that you’ve found the time to come back to the rp! Snow, your reason for choosing him, in particular, made me emotional, and I can’t wait to see you write him with a fresh breath of life! Hopefully, you’ll be able to carry him on a new and beautiful journey as the war progresses and affects him. I can’t wait to see you and Dirk back on the dash! 

application beneath the cut ( tw: brief mentions of death )

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Snow, 21, she/her, gmt+3

ACTIVITY

im going to well and truly throw myself into my studies this semester, and i’m also running an rp with a friend of mine on tumblr, so i don’t know how active i’ll be honestly. given how much i already love and adore every member of this group and all your characters, i’ll be able to find time. 6 or 5 out of ten, i think.

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

a promo blog about a year ago lol. i found this group way before it even opened but only applied like, months afterwards.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

hm. my answer differs every time based on my mood i think. like i dont think there’s one character i really truly identify with? probably percy tho lbr.

ANYTHING ELSE?

nope.

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

dirk cresswell. well, a revised version of him.

FACE CLAIM

ezra miller. listen i tried to change his fc but ezra is dirk and dirk is ezra the line has been blurred for ages now it is beyond my control.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

i’d thought of coming back with a different character and had gone through a host of them in the open tag. i’d considered someone on the other end of the spectrum to counteract the experience i’ve had playing dirk. i’d thought of playing someone balanced and sophisticated and well-mannered, someone with a little less emotion and a little more poise. someone who is not dirk, but dirk seems to have stuck himself all the way down to the roots and i can’t seem to get him out.

i cannot properly express in words how much i love this character. i’m floundering for the right ways to lay it out. he is a myriad of unlikely contradictions – kind, and just, and cruel. he is optimism and realism hand-in-hand, but he is just as much that as he is full of lies. half truths, denials, secrets. he is honest and genuine, and his intentions are as pure as those of a noble knight but he strikes quick, and fast, and merciless, with the harsh finality of an execution.

he loves openly. he is never shying away from expressing his love and devotion for his friends and family. he is never afraid of what his love for them would do to him, or to them – no, he is afraid: the fear of losing someone who’d rooted themselves into the crevices of his life is numbing, almost all-consuming, but dirk has never known how to not love, how to not be so open towards them so much of the time.

and even then, it feels, to him, as though he is never without something to hide. as though he is never not carrying a secret of some sort, as though there is always something he is carefully folding to the side throughout his life, as though he has never been fully honest with another person before. the thing is, he is always open about the good parts of himself – he is loud and obnoxious about his love and his optimism, he is blazing and boisterous about his successes and achievements. he is almost always alone in his losses. he has become terribly adept in being both honest and not, at once.

he does not forgive. he is fearful of trust, of betrayal, of being left in the dust once again. he loves, he loves, he loves, but he does not trust quite as freely.

i’d focused much too much on his guilt and misery when i had played him last, but i’m hoping to be able to focus more this time on some good things in his life. which will probably not last very long lbr but im excited to see for myself.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

dirk is an utter, unbelievably obnoxious, hopeless romantic. he is nineteen years old and had known he is gay for years, the wizarding world being far more relaxed about such things than where he’d come from, but only in the last few years or so had he become relaxed enough to be open about his sexuality to more than just the people he trusts. the idea of finding a committed, long term partner – male partner – is only just beginning to settle itself within him. he is only now beginning to truly see himself with a future in perhaps a domestic fashion and, despite the times they live in, he is positively giddy. it’s embarrassing. really.

dirk is a cis male character, though i’d really like to see how he would interact with a trans and/or nonbinary character and how he might find solace with someone who, while perhaps not exactly like him, falls far from the conventional lines drawn up by the social structures they live in.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

traits:

+ TALENTED:

Dirk’s magical talents were difficult to miss, even to those who really, really tried, and it was not entirely for the considerable amount of bragging on Dirk’s part – though, arguably, that was a large part of it – but his hands, deft with potions and charms and defensive spells, were quick to catch people’s attention, and keep it. his exceptional dueling skills had not gone unnoticed, either, not by his teachers, and certainly not by his pureblooded schoolmates, who have repeatedly tested his abilities first hand.

+SOCIABLE:

Dirk is That One Kid that knows everyone, and who everyone knows. He joined every extracellular activity the school had to offer at one point or another, he never missed a chance to hang out and have fun, and he was always interested in meeting new people and making new friends. His easy humor and confident attitude drew people to him and relaxed them in his company, his optimism and cheeky remarks making him an uplifting presence to have around. He is secretive, however, keeping his emotional troubles and inner demons far away from prying eyes, even those he considers close.

-TRUST ISSUES:

Dirk has been shown love and taught not to trust it. a parting gift, from his mother, one could say. he finds difficulty – immense difficulty – in sharing his troubles, or his secrets of any kind, with anyone. he loves and he cares about his friends and there is very little he wouldn’t do for them, but trust is something that is difficult to come by, for him, and it is something that frustrates his friends to no end.

-ARROGANT:

Dirk has an exaggerated sense of his own abilities. He is talented, yes, anyone would be hard pressed to deny that, but he tends to – overestimate, what he can do. It could also be put down to his perfectionist nature, that he would bite off more than he could chew and simply expect himself to rise up to the challenge.

he is so confident in the caliber of his character, in his own moral righteousness, in his ability to tell right from wrong. he believes so completely in aversio and what they stand for and in the choices he’s made, that he is right, that he is good, that what they’re doing is entirely justified to a morally correct eye. his arrogance and his pride, just as his loyalty and his bravery and everything good in his heart, have led him down a path of darkness where the torch of his anger has lit the way so brightly he cannot see the blackness of his surroundings. he is a morally grey character with a black and white mindset.

——

Mockblog: dorkcresswxll.tumblr.com

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

he squints, tilts his head, leans back on the back of his feet. “just one?” he asks, and straightens up as a thought occurs to him. there’s the beginning of a grin pulling at his lips, something of boyish mischief coloring his features. “something to, to take care of pureblooded bigots. y’know, take care of ‘em. actually, all bigots, y’know, all at once.” he shrugs, hands shoved into his pockets, boyish grin spreading across his face. giddy. “i’d call it the purifier, just for kicks.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“Sal!” a burst of laughter, involuntary, and he leans forward. “did you see her swing that wretched bat of hers? i’d take her with me to that Snake Supreme if i could, she’d bash his head in and cuss up a storm and everything, she’s good at making a big fuss.” the fond gleam in his eyes is unmissed by any, there is pride in his voice when he speaks of her, of his sister. he does not attempt to hide it. “and – and food for the object, i think, that’d work out pretty well, yeah?”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“when to take a bloody break.” he huffs, annoyed, and perhaps a touch embarrassed. “i still don’t know how to do that.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

that he is weak, that he is lesser, that he isn’t good enough. that he is just as bad as those he fights to rid the world of, that he is worst. that he is amoral, immoral, that he is unjust and evil and simply a murderer.

he hums. thoughtful. for a moment. “that i can’t take a loss well. which, mind you, is ridiculous – i never lose anyway!”

WRITING SAMPLE

it wasn’t difficult to get the old man to sign his letter – it wasn’t difficult, he’d not needed any convincing, all dirk had to do was thrust the form under his nose, pen in hand and a flat look upon his face: stiff, clunky, the way he only ever is with his father anymore.

the man looks up from the book between his palms, his sharp nose striking, his slanted eyes lifting towards his son. there is a crease between his brows as he pulls the paper from the young boy’s hands, eyes over ink before he asks what this is.

“it’s a permission form.” he sounds nervous. he hates it. “for hogsmeade.” he says, “you’re supposed to sign it.”

and the man signs it. just like that, he reads the paper and he signs it – he hangs on to it for a moment before giving it back. there is something there, something he wants to say, but his father was never good with words and so he says nothing. dirk is pathetically grateful – he never seems to say the right thing when his dad is involved, either.

dirk takes the paper and shifts his weight between his feet and isn’t sure if he should just leave – there is something there he wants to say, as well, but he can’t quite grasp the words and so he mulls about for a moment more, shifting the paper in his hand, before he nods a quick ‘thank you’ and scurries away.

he stuffs the paper in his pocket as he walks away. he stuffs his guilt down too, and tries not to think about it – he’d been avoiding his dad all summer, had only spoken to him now when he needed something, and not for the first time he wonders how it’s gotten this bad. he wonders when it’s gotten so tense between them they can’t share more than a few words before something made someone snap. he wonders what made it so, what caused this wide, gaping chasm to stretch between them – but he can’t think about that without thinking about emptied rooms and funeral marches, so he shakes his head quickly and bursts into Sal’s room.

They have much planned for the rest of the day, and there’s only so much of summer left for them to enjoy.

[arlessiar]

Eleven questions

I’m incredibly late with answering this, but it took me a while and then the whole Kingsman SDCC thing happened in-between. So no idea if people are still interested in this, but now that I’ve written it I also want to post it. :)

I was tagged by @notbrogues @hartwin-af and @spockri

rules: 1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 (or however many) people to answer them.

Questions by @notbrogues

1. Describe your least favourite character.

In general, the pointless love interests, the boring villains, the almighty and flawless heroes, the dumb and helpless females

(And just in case, the opposite – my favourite characters are the caring doctors, the smart geeks, and the loners, misfits and underdogs *g*)

2. A go-to comfort meal/snack/treat.

When my Mum crumbs meat or veggies to fry them she always makes a small fried bread/omelette from the rest of the eggs and breadcrumbs. She adds salt, pepper and some cheese. It’s an old Silesian tradition, my Gran always did that and we still do it today. It means home and comfort for me and I love it and I’ll defend it from every other hungry person in the house. It’s mine. My precious. Me eats it alone! *eg*

Apart from that – Avocado. Chickpeas. White chocolate. Chocolate digestives.

3. Describe a perfect vacation,     with no limit on funds or how long you can stay there.

I go there quite often, but still, London. It’s been my happy place for years. And from there I’d go to Cornwall, to the Lake District, the Brecon Beacons and the Highlands. With unlimited funds I’d take my parents with me or my BFF, and we’d spend lots of time visiting all the manors and country houses!

4. Do you listen to podcasts? If so, what are you favourites?

Listened to the Three Patch Podcast in the Sherlock fandom, but only a few times. Not really my thing in general.

5. One widely accepted fanon headcanon that you just don’t agree with?

Hmm, I like most of the fanon and can live with the rest. Not so keen on Percival being Roxy’s Dad. Distantly related, yes, but I can’t imagine him as her father.  

6. One story/movie/song/album/piece of art that resonated with you and that you will never be able to forget?

There’s so much I could write here, but I have to make a decision, so:

Stories, movies – too many to count!

Song and album – R.E.M., Automatic for the people, “Everybody hurts”. My fav forever band, and that song saved my life during a very low phase I went through in my teens. Oh, and Jeff Buckley’s version of Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. Listening to that for the first time was a revelation.

Piece of art: My favourite picture is Caspar David Friedrich’s Wanderer above the sea of fog. I could stare at it for hours. Also, seeing Van Gogh’s Sunflowers for real in the National Gallery had blown my mind and I’ll go to look at it every time I’m in London.

When I was a teen there was an exhibition in my city with photographs from Nan Goldin. Our art teacher took us there and most of my classmates weren’t prepared for this rather explicit art. For me though a gate had opened, I finally understood the art of photography, and it’s been a passion of mine ever since.

7. If you have a day off, no responsibilities or pressing matters to attend to: what are you doing for the rest of the day?

Three words – Lego, AO3 and tumblr.

8. Favourite past trend that you are most nostalgic for?

I honestly never really followed trends a lot, so I’ve no idea what to say here. ^^ What I really really miss is the way they made computer games in the Nineties. Give me a good old fashioned Adventure with tricky puzzles and I’m happy.

9. What’s a hobby/skill you’ve always wanted to learn?

Playing the harp or the violin. And archery. Might still try the latter one day.

10. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

So sorry, but I have to skip this one... I don’t dream much anymore. The only thing I can say is: Hopefully still surrounded by the people who I love more than my own life.

11. What was your first fandom? First OTP? First NOTP? Any memorable experiences from those early days?

My first fandom was Star Trek, around 1991. I always blame my Dad for me becoming a geek because it was him who told me to watch TOS. :) Wrote my first story in a notebook when I was twelve, no OTP though then, it was rather Mary Sue-ish. ^^ Then we got our first computer, and I had moved on to DS9. More stories, now on computer, still no OTP but lots of h/c. Then we got internet in 1996, and I was having some sort of epiphany – there was this world-wide phenomenon called fanfiction! I was not alone! An amazing discovery! Saw my first slashfic at that time, Garak/Bashir, and I was 16 and all like ‘ewww’ and backed away from it (so that was probably my first NOTP).

Being a Tolkien fan for years I easily fell for the LOTR films later and wrote FF for that and published my first stories. Arwen/Aragorn was my first fandom OTP I guess. Saw more slashfic, Legolas/Aragorn, and I was still not convinced, but I read one. While I never shipped that pairing, slashfic in general suddenly started to look appealing. Well, and today I say “all I’ve learnt about sex, I’ve learnt from fanfic”, because those years were really educational… ;)

Next fandom was Stargate Atlantis (OTP McShep), my online fan-life started in earnest then with the Gateworld forum and LJ, then Torchwood (OTP Ianto/Jack), then Sherlock (OTP Johnlock). And here I am now, in the Kingsman fandom, with Hartwin and Merhartwin being my OTPs.

Now @hartwin-af

1. Who are your favourite artists/actors/fictional characters?

I admire Viggo Mortensen both as an actor and as an artist. And Colin Firth has been one of my favourite actors for many years. Closely followed by Chris Pine and Matt Damon. I also think Meryl Streep is a goddess.

Fav fictional characters: Aragorn, Sherlock, Mr Darcy and tons of others, among them right now Harry Hart :)

2. What are your favourite tv shows/movies?

Fav TV shows from the past: Star Trek DS9, Torchwood, MASH, SGA, Sherlock, Flying Doctors, Diagnosis Murder, Queer as folk

Recent TV shows: Agents of shield, Poldark, The Handmaid’s tale

3. What/Who do you fear?

Dying alone

4. What are you looking forward to the most?

At the moment my summer holiday and Kingsman 2.

5. What’s your biggest pet peeve?

The acceptance of ignorance you see nowadays. It’s ok to lack knowledge, but one shouldn’t be proud of it. It’s no badge of honour to boast about. There’s something you don’t know – go and look it up.

6. If you could make one thing canon in your fandom, what would it be?

DAISY UNWIN

7. Do you hoard usernames? 

Nope. In fact I’m known for having the same username for decades and almost everywhere…

8. Coke or Pepsi? Tea or Coffee? KFC or McDonald’s? 

If at all, Coke. Coffee, with tea being a close second. McDonald’s, but rather Burger King!

9. What would make today better?

Less humidity. Apart from that it’s been a pretty fine day. :) 

10. What’s your favourite scent?

Privet when it’s in bloom.

11. What’s your proudest achievement?

Finishing my university degree (MA)

And @spockri

1)  Are you a morning person or a night owl? 

100% night owl

2) What is your OTP (and you can only pick 1!) and why? 

Currently Hartwin. It just… happened. Love the fact that they’re so different and yet so similar, and that there’s tons of chemistry between them.

3) What is your favorite thing about Colin Firth? 

His smile. Absolutely.

4) What’s your favorite book and how would you recommend it to someone who’s never heard of it? 

That is in fact Atwood’s “The handmaid’s tale” and has been for years. I would recommend it as a book that’s become scarily relevant again in the light of the current political situation in the US.

5) Where is your favorite place to read? 

Used to be my bed, but the older I get, the less comfortable it becomes. So today it’s my desk chair. And Parliament Hill when I’m in London.

6) What was your last impulse buy? 

Clothes. I have way too many clothes… send help! Or Livia Firth, so that she can rip me a new one. Or Colin so that he can rip my clothes off… ok, wait, I need to stop.

7) What is/was your favorite subject in school? 

That was English and Art

8) Are you an introvert or extrovert? 

Introvert, INFJ. And an HSP. 

9) Do you have any trips/vacations planned this year? 

Most likely London again in August, and a short trip within Germany to visit two wonderful friends in October

10) What would you do if you saw Colin Firth walking on the other side of the street from you? 

In my dreams I’d work up the courage to walk over to him and smile and say hello and ask politely for an autograph… depends on the situation though. So in reality I’d most likely try not to bother him to respect his privacy and just stare at him from afar… while silently hyperventilating

11) I probably know you because we’re both into Kingsman, so when did you first watch Kingsman and what drew you to it?

When it came out I saw many posts about it on my tumblr dash and had no idea what it’s about. Thought it must be a big thing though and decided to watch it one day, but ignored it then on tumblr in order not to spoiler myself accidentally. It was on my list for a while and I finally bought the DVD in November 2016. Watched it with my parents. Was hooked in a second. This rarely happens to me, but I liked that the movie didn’t take itself overly serious but was still believable, and that the story had no loose ends. Also, suits and Savile Row (love a man in a good suit), and Colin Firth. Sold. The rest is history.

- - - - - 

Now, eleven questions from me, just in case anyone still wants to do this and isn’t sick of this meme already. :)

1)      What did you want to become as a child, and what did you become?

2)      If you were allowed to dress your favourite actor however you’d like, who would it be and what would she/he look like afterwards?

3)      Did you ever cry while reading a book or watching a film, and if yes, when was the last time that happened and why?

4)      What is your favourite piece of jewellery that you own?

5)      If you could invent and play any kind of yet non-existent role in an existent movie, who would you like to be?

6)      You have to share a room with a Kingsman character for one night. Who will it be and why?

7)      Did you have a comfort toy as a child and if yes, what happened to it?

8)      What is the colour/design of your bedclothes?

9)      What was your happiest fandom moment so far?

10)   The last film you saw in the cinema

11)   You invite your favourite fictional character for dinner and you’re having pizza. They say it’s your choice – what kind of pizza would you order for them?

You all probably did that already, I’m sorry!!

@agentdagonet @ripgalahad @jeherion @jesspaw @londongypsy @letmecomealong @galahadthelate @solarrift @lady-mephistopheles @fideliant @deepdarkwaters

[papirouge]

Do you ever wonder once you stopped following someone why did you ever start following them in the first place?

I remember when i was new on tumblr (around 4 years ago) i didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do with my blog yet (it wasn’t already an aesthetic blog it was more of a bunch of embarassing basic ass arty pics and some ‘fashion/models articles’ with an unecesarry load of text lol) so i used to follow a broad genre of tumblrs. - One of the first tumblr i followed was that depressing tumblr of a girl with ED which was posting only black & white pics and made post saying she was hurting herself and how her boyfriend was abusive… I think i unfollowed her ass after a few weeks~ - That girl which was EXTRA SJW and posted embarassing bs like “women don’t necessarily have a vagina” “DIE CIS SCUM” and made awkward personal/TMI text posts like “Today I had sex.” and so on. We were mutuals for a while but i think she unfollowed me when she realized i was taking none of this bs when she found out i was reblogging ‘anti snowflake’ stuff. And i unfollowed her back when i grew tired of her stupid SJW slacktivism - That crazy racist fashion tumblrina which was regularly throwing tantrums over some random shit and esp about how basically everything was racist. She once made a post saying how much she was fuming the guy she had a crush on for weeks dared to date her “Basic White” friend™ and she litterally lost her damn mind and blocked me off when i commented that bringing up her friend’s race to settle she didn’t deserved to date her crush was racist and lowkey dumb lol - And lately there was that girl which was running a male model webzine ; i unfollowed her mostly bc i didn’t find her content that appealing anymore, but her personal posts where also sooo depressing : she had some kind of sick ass obsession with being ugly,  and she always said how she would end up alone without friends and that she will never get a boyfriend… Like, it was quite endearing to follow someone with the same struggle as me first, but then the self loathing became too hard to handle… (it helped me realize that definining yourself ONLY through your struggle was highly unhealthy though, i’ll give her that)

Thank god i got rid of all these toxic blogs and is surrounding myself with cool blogs ran by cool people only. I’m old enough to put a barrier between what i see everyday on my dash and my sanity.

Remember kids: take care about who you’re following and what you’re reblogging. Tumblr is definitively NOT a ‘safe space’ and i’ve seen more dumb and hateful shit in 4 years on this godforsaken website than i ever witnessed in my whole (offline) life. What you see daily on your dash can viciously effect your mental state so do not hesitate to unfollow stuff that makes you uncomfortable or feel bad. That’s why i’m highkey pitted against SJW who are implanting to young influencable minds manichean views inducing that the root of all evil are White/CIS/men and that whole world is [put anything that ends with -ist or -phobe] and hate them, because THIS IS NOT REALITY. Eventually, this website is just ruled a bunch of immature self entitled kids who somehow found a way through this media to evacuate their frustation and project their insecurities through overstated narrative . It’s just getting highly problematic when they think THEIR outlook is universal truth everyone should agree on to guilt trip anyone that wouldn’t agree with them. Yall fucking toxic.

[itsdaggerandsheath]

An Introduction to Sex (Part 3)

               I made my personal Tumblr account when I was twelve years old, and I only made it so that I could follow the blog posts of my favorite singer at the time. That’s it. The singer in question was, at the time, known for writing Bible-length diary-like posts about his thoughts on certain topics, answering fan questions, and so on. So, I originally thought that Tumblr was a website for writing long blog posts and occasionally posting pictures. I now obviously fully understand the hellscape that is Tumblr in all of its weird ass glory, but at the time, it was brand new territory for twelve-year-old me. This story will slightly overlap with the timeline of Part 2 (and really, there’s no order in which you have to read these as I’m pretty sure they’d make sense in just about any order) as I was beginning to learn about sex as an activity rather than just for the sake of reproduction. I’m sure anyone out there reading this that has a Tumblr account will know where this is going.

               I began to explore Tumblr a bit more to see what else there was to it besides following my favorite singer. This was in the middle of 2013, a good four and a half years before The Great Tumblr Porn Ban on December 17th, 2018 (which I could probably write a whole other post about). I was just on the cusp of turning thirteen, had just discovered a band called Motionless in White (still my favorite band to this day) and was just dipping my toes into the world of emo and goth culture. So, I decided to follow as many people who seemed to fit those molds as humanly possible on Tumblr, and fully immerse myself in their ways.

               Now, here’s the thing: I’m sure that there are plenty of vanilla goths/emos out there and plenty of kinky people in the world that do not subscribe to the goth or emo subculture. However, there definitely does seem to be some overlap. A lot of the people that I followed seemed to have an affinity for kink and BDSM. Now, I’d just begun reading some kinky band fanfiction at the time, but I was only able to conjure up images in my head using the little knowledge on the subject that I had. Seeing pictures and GIFs was something else entirely. I very vividly remember being thirteen and seeing a post that simply said “reblog if the idea of getting gagged makes you wet”. My answer to that would be very different now *wink wink nudge nudge* but at the time, I was horrified. Just below that post was a picture of a person with a ball gag in their mouth – a black strap and a red ball – with a string of saliva hanging off of it. I was disgusted (at the time).

               These things were new territory for me and were therefore scary, but can we just talk about how easy it was for a thirteen-year-old to have access to content like that? Not to mention that as I began to explore the site more, I was very easily able to find videos of people having sex on my timeline. Now, I get it, young teenagers are likely to explore their sexuality through the Internet and pornography, but I was still a child. Shouldn’t that content be a little bit more difficult for children to have access to?

               I was an innocent smol bean at the time and porn was still something that I thought was “gross”, so I unfollowed the blogs that posted that kind of content and went on with my life. As time went on and I became more involved in the Tumblr community, I soon realized that having porn on my dash was kind of inevitable. I once saw a post that said something along the lines of “You could follow only Disney blogs and porn will still end up on your dash somehow” and boy was that true. I eventually learned to just scroll past those posts really fast in case anyone around me may have been looking at my phone. I did garner some knowledge from Tumblr porn, like, “Oh! So that’s what a penis looks like!” but it wasn’t something that I looked into regularly as a young teen.

               However, as time went on, I got more curious.

               Now, I was very young at the time and didn’t have the knowledge of ethical porn like I do now. I thought that all porn was pretty much the same and didn’t know that there was a difference between what you may find on PornHub and what constitutes as ethical, feminist porn. I knew of websites like PornHub and Brazzers, but I really only went looking for it on Tumblr. What really sparked my interest in the matter was that the singer of another band that I followed at the time started a side blog called “kinkyculture” which no longer exists (at least, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t). Seeing as this blog was run by someone I admired at the time, I decided to check it out. It was through this blog that I really got to see what BDSM was. I learned that some people like to be hit with paddles, leave marks, pee on each other, gag each other; I learned about foot fetishes, calling your partner mommy/daddy, tying each other up, pulling hair, biting, leaving hickies, or even straight up hanging your partner from the ceiling by their wrists and whipping them until you draw blood.

               With consent, of course.

               But I had so many questions! And none of them were being answered. What was the difference between squirting and peeing? Could you get pregnant from ejaculating into a female anally? Why did oral sex feel so good? What else felt good? How did people have penis-in-vagina sex without condoms and not get pregnant? So, I decided to venture out and find other sex-related blogs to see if any of them would answer my questions.

               Luckily, I found sex education blogs. My favorite was called “fuckyeahsexeducation”, which I also unfortunately believe no longer exists (or is at least no longer running).

               I learned. So. Much. From this blog. I showed it to all my friends, and it felt like a world of possibilities had been opened to us. We learned about condoms and dental dams and how sexual encounters with someone of the same sex worked and we learned about squirting and orgasms and that sex is supposed to feel good and be fun. It was around this time also that a friend of mine messaged our groupchat with this amazing YouTube channel that was dedicated to sex education.

               The channel is called “My Tiny Secrets”, run by a woman named Adina Rivers. She was the first of many sex education YouTubers that I would come to follow, and I still follow her to this day. I learned about oral sex, what to expect the first time you have intercourse, anal sex, squirting, what to do with your hands to make your partner feel good, kissing, breasts – the list goes on and on.

(school?

               I mean, I can understand why they don’t teach fourteen-year-olds about BDSM in school, that’s not what I mean (not to say that BDSM is bad – but there is a particular age group that it belongs to, which is 18+). What I mean is – why is sex painted in such a scary, intimidating light at school? Is it our parents? Is it religion? Is it just old-fashioned ways seeping into the twenty-first century? Why was I never taught that sex was supposed to feel good? That sex is one of the purest forms of human connection? Why was I never taught that females could orgasm? Why was I never taught how to communicate with my partner and to negotiate my romantic and sexual needs? Why was I never taught about having sex with someone that has the same genitals as me? Why was I never taught about transgender people and how they have sex and the surgeries that they may choose to go under? Why did I have to go out and find all these things myself? And, most importantly – why did it seem like I was the only one who saw the problem with that?

               It was when I discovered the YouTube channel “Sexplanations”, run by clinical sexologist Dr. Lindsey Doe, that I decided that I personally began my sex-education journey. I guess I didn’t know that a career in sex education was really possible! I thought that you either had to be an OB/GYN or be a one in a million kind of person that gets lucky and finds fame and credibility by writing a good book or something in order to be taken seriously when it comes to giving advise about sex. It was through Dr. Doe that I discovered there are so many people who are as fascinated by sexuality and have as many questions as I did – and still do. There are so many people in the world who are as passionate about the subject as I am! I then began to immerse myself into this community, the sex education community. I changed my major from biology to sociology (I was pre-med for a while and hated it) and spent my spare time making pictures for what would become the “Dagger and Sheath” Instagram page.

               Side note – let me know if you guys would like me to write a short post on what exactly “Dagger and Sheath” means. I know my Instagram bio says “It’s a Shakespearian euphemism” but if you’d like more context, I’d be happy to provide some!

               Anyway.

               I’m still not an expert, and there is still so much to learn. I just finished my sophomore year of undergrad, so I’m just getting started. But I’ve learned so much as it is, and I’m hoping that you all have learned a thing or two from following me on Instagram or on here. My page just hit a thousand followers, which is small in comparison to some of the other sex education pages out there, but I hope to continue to grow and I want to thank all of you for sticking with me thus far.

               Right now, my mission is to educate you all about sex through the power of the Internet. However, my hope is that one day, the sex education system within schools will improve, and pages like mine won’t have to exist. Until then, I will continue to educate where I can, and be an advocate for better school sex education around the world.

               Thank you if you’ve read this far and stay safe.

-          Dagger and Sheath