#[ i figured most of her nightmares were from when she was younger because those would have stood out more ]

[kaspbra-cant-even]

Never Tear Us Apart (Spencer Reid/Reader)

This is one of my works from AO3 where I post under the user-name fish_cloud. Under the cut will be the entire work as it is already finished. Have fun reading and feedback is always appreciated 💛

Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence Category: F/M Fandom: Criminal Minds (US TV) Relationship: Spencer Reid/Reader Characters: Spencer Reid, Reader, Elle Greenaway, Penelope Garcia, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Aaron Hotchner, Jason Gideon, Derek Morgan Additional Tags: Soulmate AU, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Mutual Pining, Angst, Violence, Torture, Sexual Content Language: English Chapters: 7/7 Words: 17k

Summary: Soulmates exist but they are rare. So rare, that some people doubt their existence. (Y/n) is already struggling trying to hide her feelings for Spencer but then she finds out they're soulmates, just as they take on a case about a serial killer targeting couples, he thinks are soulmates, things get complicated and dangerous.

Notes: The title is inspired by Never Tear Us Apart by Paloma Faith (I swear that woman has a voice to die for). Also this is kind of dedicated to my best friend, I love her so much. Enough from me, have fun reading :))

Chapter 1

Having a soulmate was a rare occurrence. You could consider yourself lucky if you had one and even luckier if you ever found them. It was kind of like winning the lottery. There were people who had devoted their entire life to finding their other half, without even knowing if they even existed. Isn’t it only human to crave connection? The longing to belong to someone. This is not to say, that you were alone, just because you didn’t have a soulmate or didn’t find them. But this kind of connection was hard to grasp for someone who hadn’t experienced it. A one in a million connection.

Most known things about soul-connections were purely speculative due to the fact that they were so rare and even when some would find each other, there was nothing easy about trying to explain it. Like with all spiritual things there were some people who chased the idea with cult-like devotion and there were people whose life remained inherently untouched by it.

(Y/n) was the latter. In her now 1 and a half years at the BAU she had come into contact with the subject. Mostly it had been people who justified their crimes with their search for their soulmate or they were fueled by their hate for others who had found “the one”. (Y/n) knew that their loneliness didn’t stem from the lack of a soulmate. It was just something to project their loneliness onto.

There were several ways to know if you even had a soulmate but like with most things, they weren’t scientifically accurate most of the time. Soulmates could feel each other’s pain, physical as well as mental. The problem is, who hasn’t had random bruises that showed up out of nowhere or a sudden change in mood. Do you just not remember where those injuries came from and maybe you’re more empathetic than some people or is it your soulmate? Of course, with major injuries there was no doubt but taking into consideration how few even were unmatched souls and out of those how many suffered such significant damage that anything else could be ruled out, needless to say it was an uncommon occurrence to find out this way.

Another thing were shared dreams. Not in the sense that soulmates would dream about the exact same thing, but the overall tone would synchronize. If one was having nightmares, the other would too. Psychological consequences were mostly unexplored.

The last known indicator was that once having met your soulmate you’re lives were intertwined, no matter if you knew they were your soulmate or not.

As you see, all of these indicators weren’t exactly clear. As a result, you could meet your soulmate without ever figuring out they were the one.

When she was younger (Y/n) had fantasized about having a soulmate, like most teenagers did, but as she got older, the fantasy faded. Other things had become more important. She had picked up on some signs but there had never been definite proof and after a while it wasn’t important anymore. She had started working for the FBI as a profiler and from that point on

her mind had been preoccupied with anything else. She wouldn’t waste her life searching for someone she didn’t even know existed.

As (Y/n) walked into the bullpen one morning, the bad dream from the night before still lingered. She couldn’t remember what it had been about, but she hadn’t gotten much rest. She sat down at her desk. She hadn’t even unpacked as Spencer walked up to her with an extra cup of coffee in his hand. (Y/n) couldn’t help but notice he looked tired. “Morning, panda boy.” “Panda what?” “Because of the bags under your...nevermind, you look tired.” Spencer let out a sigh. (Y/n) took a sip of coffee. “Nightmare again?” Spencer nodded and leaned on the edge of her desk.

When (Y/n) first started to take a liking to Spencer she couldn’t stop herself from interpreting something into every one of these common experiences but after a while she’d resigned herself to accepting the were just coincidences. She had read somewhere that people would sync up after spending a lot of time together and there wasn’t a person in the world, she spent more time with than Spencer Reid. The only people who came in close second were the others on the team. When you worked for the BAU, the people you worked with were your family, so much so, she barely had any relationships outside of work.

“I’m sorry, do you want to talk about it?” She brushed his arm ever so lightly with her fingertips as to not overstep any boundaries. Spencer and (Y/n) were close but she herself wasn’t a very physical person and so she would go out of her way as not to make other people uncomfortable. There were of course exceptions. One of those exceptions was Penelope Garcia, (Y/n)’s best friend at the BAU. Over time she had gotten so comfortable with Penelope that physical touch was a given.

But with Spencer it had always been something different. After they had become friends, it hadn’t taken too long until (Y/n) had caught feelings and she felt like taking advantage of their friendship if she used it to get closer to him.

Spencer’s eyes flickered to her hand on his arm for a split second before she retracted it quickly as to not make him uncomfortable. Their eyes met for a second but before she could try to read him and overthink the situation Spencer spoke up. “Conference room in 5.” He walked back to his desk to get some papers before heading to the conference room.

(Y/n) let out a sigh. Spending time with Spencer had become increasingly more difficult. It wasn’t his fault. It just became harder to hide her affections. She could feel them drifting apart in her effort not to jeopardize their friendship. She buried her face in her hands. There was no good way out of this. Clearly her feelings weren’t going away, and she knew she couldn’t hide them forever. The BAU must’ve been the worst place on earth to have a crush on your coworker.

The inevitable next step was Spencer finding out about it one way or another. The only question was how he’d react. (Y/n) had ruled out the possibility of him reciprocating her

feelings pretty fast. She remembered a case in LA where they had to catch Lila Archers stalker. Spencer had been smitten from the second he laid eyes on her. It had taken (Y/n) weeks and a few bottles of Hennessy to get the image of them kissing in the pool out of her head.

She shook her head as if to get rid of the memory. She stared at her desk from between her fingers. The other two options were either him being ok with her having feelings for him but at this point she doubted she could still be friends with him even if he had a good reaction, or he wouldn’t want anything to do with her anyway.

“Fuck...” (Y/n) whispered. She looked up, fixed herself and grabbed her cup before walking into the conference room. The only free seat was next to Spencer. He gave her a small smile before she sat down. Instantly she felt the small butterflies in her stomach. She smiled back and emptied her coffee hoping to drown those fuckers.

Jennifer Jareau was standing in the front explaining their new case. The unsub was targeting couples in the Las Vegas area. The couples went missing sometimes for weeks. There had been 16 bodies already. They showed clear signs of torture. JJ showed them pictures of the symbol every victim had carved into their chest. It resembled a stick figure of a human with four arms and four legs.

“We can safely assume that the killer’s motivation has something to do with the soulmate myth.” JJ concluded.

(Y/n) couldn’t help but smile. She knew Spencer was about to speak before he even opened his mouth.

“Plato said: According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

(Y/n) turned to the others. “So, what er we thinking? Is this guy delusional and chasing some fantasy or were those people actually soulmates he found somehow?” “We won’t have definite proof if these people were soulmate or not as they’re dead, but it would be statistically very unlikely that they were in fact actual soulmates.” Spencer responded.

His eyes lingered on her for a moment. He would never admit it but the way (Y/n) chewed on her pen when she was in deep thought made him feel things. It took him a second to tear his eyes away from her before turning his attention back to JJ.

“We’re dealing with a highly organized serial killer. His motivation is power and control, we’re looking for someone with an outwardly normal looking life, someone charming, charismatic and very intelligent. Later victims have shown signs of post-mortem sexual behavior. So, we’re dealing with someone who feels alone, who fears rejection. When his victims are dead the possibility of being rejected is gone. He also inserts himself into the couple’s relationship. We have to assume that whether they really are soulmates or not, he believes they are. It is possible that he also has some sort of god complex, putting himself in the role of Zeus who separates the soulmates from each other.”

The atmosphere on the jet was buzzing with conversation. The soulmate subject had that effect on people. It was a heavily discussed and controversial concept.

“I don’t think soulmates actually exist.” Morgan said and leaned back in his chair. “How can you say that? There have been cases where soulmates have actually found each other!” Elle protested. “It’s all fake, how can you believe them? Let me guess, you also read your horoscope every day too?” Morgan let out a light laugh but Elle furrowed her brows. “They’re two totally different things, even if I did believe in astrology, which has no relevance whatsoever in this discussion, you can’t just ignore facts!”

(Y/n) leaned back in her seat looking at Spencer, who sat next to her. “What do you think?” He seemed to gather his thoughts for a moment. “I mean there is some evidence but it’s all very speculative.” He looked at her for a second and he swore he saw a glint of disappointment in them but then it was gone. “But who knows,” He added quickly “maybe Soulmate are real, it’s a nice thought that there could be someone out there who has such a special connection to you.”

(Y/n) nodded. “But how is that even supposed to work? What if I do have a soulmate but I like someone else? Or I have a family or something?” “There are platonic soulmates as well, you know.” He gave her a small smile. For some reason this gave him comfort. Spencer wasn’t one to indulge in fantasies and he was decidedly to pragmatic to dream of his soulmate but if he had to chose someone it would be (Y/n). The probability of her liking him in a romantic way was even lower than her being his soulmate so the option of platonic soulmates eased his mind, even if just for a bit. He shoved those thought in the back of his head, he didn’t like to dwell on daydreams.

“Well, if some random guy walked in tomorrow and it turned out he was my soulmate, I’d still want to stay with you.” She said, decidedly, not really thinking about the implication. When she caught herself it was already too late. Spencer let out a small laugh. “You don’t have to stay with me, believe me you won’t want to when you find them.” “Shut up, more likely than not I don’t have one anyway, so I guess you’re stuck with me.”

Spencer let out another small laugh, but his heart sank a bit. If he was being honest with himself it was one of his greatest fears. That one day, (Y/n) would walk into the BAU and announce she’ found the one and she would quit to spend her life with them. He couldn’t bare the thought of someone taking her away from him. But this was totally normal for a friendship as deep as theirs, right?

After a while Spencer got up to get himself a cup of coffee. Elle and Morgan were still fighting, JJ had taken Elle’s side, Hotch just listened and Gideon sat by a window rereading the case file. No one was paying attention when it happened. Spencer had gotten distracted by something Elle had said to Morgan and almost tripped, a cup of hot coffee in his hand. As she saw the scene unravel before her, (Y/n) felt the burn on her hand. It took her every ounce of self-control not to make a sound. Spencer hissed and sat down next to her again. He handed her the coffee so he could clean up his hand with a napkin.

(Y/n) stared at him, her mind running a hundred miles per hour. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Spencer shot her a concerned look. “(Y/n) are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She stood up. “Excuse me for a second, I don’t feel so well, must’ve been the food or something.” She walked to the bathroom without looking back. After she closed the door behind her she sank to the ground with her back against the door.

(Y/n) felt panic rise in her chest. This was not possible. Sure there had been moments when she’d suspected something was up but she had always dismissed it but now it was so obvious there was no denying it. She felt tears of frustration gather in her eyes. As if everything hadn’t been already complicated enough. Not just did she have feelings for Spencer but now she knew almost certainly that they were also soulmates. She felt anger build up. Whoever came up with this soulmate stuff had been a real asshole. She would have been perfectly happy with not having a soulmate and just having Spencer by her side. What if he didn’t want to be her soulmate? Had there ever been a case where one of them just wasn’t into it? Shouldn’t there have been some signs from his part that he felt more for her? But then she remembered what he had said abut platonic soulmates and her stomach sank. Maybe he had known all along, and he’d just been giving her hints that they could just be friends.

Maybe they could make a deal somehow, they didn’t have to spend the rest of their lives together if he didn’t want to. She had resigned herself to not having a soulmate a long time ago, she didn’t need him.

She buried her face in her hands. Suddenly all those thoughts were gone and what remained was a heavy emptiness. There was no good solution for this, and she couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever. She took a deep breath and looked in the mirror to see how good her poker-face was after just having gone through the seven stages of grief in under 5 minutes.

As she walked back into the sitting area, she was greeted by Spencer’s worried looks. “Everything ok?” She sat down next to him. “Yeah, everything is fine.” “You don’t look so well, are you sure everything is ok?” He put his hand on her forehead to feel her temperature. His hand was cold on her warm face. Her breath hitched in her throat from the sudden touch and she had to fight the urge to close her eyes. She gave him a soft look. “I’m fine, Spencer, I promise.” His touch lingered for a second before he retracted his hand.

“You know you can’t lie to me.” He gave her a small smile. In a sudden burst of confidence she put her hand on his. “It’s alright, I’ll talk to you if I need to, don’t worry about me.” His hand wrapped around hers and he gave her a little squeeze. (Y/n) almost got sick from the explosion of butterflies in her stomach. Until now she’d attributed these strong physical reactions when they touched to the fact that she had a crush on him but looking back she couldn’t remember experiencing something like this with anyone else. Working with Spencer would be a real challenge, now that she had not one but two secrets.

Chapter 2

“Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.” – Mark Twain

(Y/n) had a hard time concentrating from the moment they got off the jet. She felt like moving in a dream as they checked in with the local PD, going over the case again, went to the last crime scene. Only when she entered the expensive suite, she felt like shook her awake. The champagne-colored furniture was covered in dark red blood. But it was not the image that snapped her back to reality, it was the smell, it was always the smell that got to her.

The bodies were no longer in the room, but they had been laying here at least three days before anyone even noticed. One of the detectives turned to her when he saw her going pale. “Ma’am is everything alright?” “Yes, I just...excuse me, I just need a minute.”

(Y/n) stumbled out of the expensive hotel room into the corridor. She had trouble breathing and her hands started to sweat profusely. She knew the symptoms, that didn’t make it any less bad. When she reached a side corridor, she slid down the wall. She tried to remember what she knew about panic attacks. Breath. In, out, in and out again.

A pair of shoes came into her field of vision. She didn’t need to look up, to know it was Spencer. He was the only FBI agent she knew of that wore converse. Without a word he sat down next to her, back to the wall. She heard him breath slowly. She knew he was doing it so she could synchronize with him and after a while the panic had subsided.

“Are you better now?” (Y/n) nodded. “Yeah, thanks.” “What happened in there? You’ve seen worse before, what is it?”

She didn’t know how to respond. It wasn’t just the fact that she had just figured out they were soulmates; it was something else. Their unsub was actively seeking out and killing what he thought were soulmates. She had been the unsubs ‘type’ before but now it wasn’t just about her, it was about Spencer too. She felt bad for withholding information like this. He didn’t even know he was a potential target. She wanted to tell him, tell him to be careful but something wouldn’t let her. Fear of rejection loomed over her like a dark cloud.

“I don’t know, Spence...I’ve just had a rough week, I guess.” “I know you’re not telling me the truth.” He put his fingers under her chin to make her look up at him. “I want to help you, but you need to tell me what is going on with you.”

There was nothing but kindness and goodness in his eyes. She wanted to tell him so bad. “I thought we weren’t supposed to profile each other.” She gave him a small smile to signal him she wasn’t mad about it. Spencer frowned.

“I’m serious, somethings not right and I need to know what it is. It doesn’t need a profiler to see somethings eating at you, it just takes a good friend.”

(Y/n) stood up. “Come on, we don’t have time for this now, we have a crime scene to profile.” She held out her hand to help him get up. He let out a sight and took it.

Back at the police station the team presented their profile but (Y/n) didn’t hear a single word. Her gaze was fixed on Spencer as he spoke. All she could process was the way he talked, how he moved his hands a s he gesticulated and the way he looked with his messy hair and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbows.

This was getting out of hand. Until now she had at least been able to do her job properly. Only when Hotch had called her name out for the third time her mind returned to reality. “Agent would you please tell the officers what our next step will be?” “Yes, of course, I’m sorry.” She gathered her thoughts for a second before standing up in front of the precinct. “Our best shot is going undercover and try to attract the unsubs attention. We will have two agents pose as a soulmate couple. We know that the unsub doesn’t stay at the same hotel for too long. We also know that he probably targets these couple at special events. Based on the profile we gave you he will appear sophisticated and he probably has some friends in high places. He will be successful in his career as to compensate his feelings of inadequacy regarding his personal life. He has to have some connections, otherwise we would find these victims much faster. He’s paying people to keep their mouth shut.

Tomorrow there will be a fund raiser at the Bellagio. There will be a lot of people and because of the nature of the event there will most certainly be a lot of couples, people usually don’t go alone to those things. This means our unsub will be there. The last victims were found today and killed three days ago; he’s looking for is next victims.”

She could still feel Spencer’s eyes on her when she sat back down. The crowd dissolved slowly. The BAU gathered around one of the desks.

“I think we all agree to send (Y/n) and Spencer as our soulmate couple.” Hotch said and shot them both a look. If (Y/n) hadn’t been so taken by surprise by Hotch’s proposal she would have noticed Spencer blushing lightly. Did they figure it out? Was that why Hotch had chosen them? No, it couldn’t be. Logically, they were the best match. They worked very well together, none of them would pose a great physical threat to the unsub and they were close after all. It wouldn’t be hard to make it believable. (Y/n) almost let out a laugh. Of course, it wouldn’t be hard. She wouldn’t even have to pretend.

“Are you ok with this?” Hotch asked. Both nodded. There really was no good reason to say no.

Spencer sat in front of the case files, but he couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t stop thinking about (Y/n) and how strangely she was acting. Maybe he had crossed a line and made her uncomfortable? He tried his best to keep a respectful distance, but it got harder every day. It

was almost as if she attracted him like a magnet. It felt so right when they touched hands or when she would brush his hair out of his face when he was too caught up in something else.

He loved to hear her talk. And he loved it when she listened to him. She never seemed to get bored of anything he had to say. Ever. She’d been awfully quiet the entire day. Something was up, he could feel it but for some reason he couldn’t read her. He knew that she would get fidgety when she was nervous, he knew that she carried herself with caution, she had been hurt by people in the past. He knew that she would cover her insecurities with little jokes, and he knew that she had a hard time opening up to people sometimes. But for the love of god, he did not know how she felt about him, and he didn’t know what was wrong with her right now. Some things she held to close to her heart for anyone to see, even him.

Spencer wanted to tell her that she could tell him anything and he wished she would believe him. There was a longing in his heart he couldn’t explain, and he didn’t know what to do about it. His fear was paralyzing him. He’d been hurt before too. For the time being he was content with the little he got, the quick glances when she thought he wasn’t looking, the way she laughed at his jokes and the way she made him feel like their friendship was something special. All team members were close, but he would be the first one she would talk to in the morning and the last one to wave goodbye in the evening. She was always there.

Spencer jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Are you coming? We’re checking into the hotel. Or are you to busy dreaming about our little Miss Commitment Issues?” Morgan teased and walked past Spencer. “I’m not – she doesn’t have – I’m coming wait up!” He grabbed his jacket and the files before following Morgan out the door.

The hotel was almost booked out. Hotch stood at the reception, arguing with the woman working there. “I don’t care that you don’t have enough rooms, we booked in advance!” She didn’t seem too bothered. She looked up from her phone for a moment.

“I’m sorry mister, that’s how it is, can’t throw the guests out that have already checked in. Should’ve come earlier.”

Hotch slammed his hand on the counter. “Listen here, I can get you fired in the blink of an eye. Get us our rooms, now!” His voice was calm but anyone who knew Hotch knew not to mess with him when he talked like this. The receptionist seemed to sense it too. “Ok, ok. I have a few rooms left but you’ll have to partner up.”

“Just give me the keys.”

(Y/n) and Spencer looked at each other like to school friends look at each other when the teacher says you can choose your partner for a project. It was understood they would share a room. But when (Y/n) turned the key around and entered their room she wanted to turn around and never come back.

“It’s just a-a queen size bed.” She stuttered. They stood side by side in silence. There was no couch, no armchair. Finally, Spencer spoke up. “It’s ok I can take the floor.”

(Y/n) gave him a light slap on the arm with the back of her hand. “Don’t be ridiculous. We can share unless you’re so uncomfortable with me you’d rather take the floor.” The last part had been meant as a joke, but Spencer began to stammer. “No, no of course not – I’d love to sleep with you – I mean share a bed.” His face was getting redder by the second.

It took her all her strength not to laugh. “Calm down, Spencer.” She gave him a reassuring smile. He seemed to let out a breath he’d been holding. He was so cute when he got flustered, she thought. She would like to see him like this more often if she didn’t know how much it stressed him out.

“I’m gonna go change.” She said pointing at the bathroom. “Y-yeah go ahead.” “Thanks for your permission.” She gave him another smile but this time she was teasing him. “I didn’t mean –” “I’m just messing with you.”

Spencer sat on the edge of the bed while (Y/n) was in the bathroom changing. He tried to calm himself down. His hands were shaking ever so slightly. There was no way she would ever want to be with a nervous wreck like him. Just like that one time Lila Archer had kissed him in the pool. He had predicted very accurately that she had only shown interest in him because of his role as protector. It had been too good to be true. He had become more cautious since then. His heart wouldn’t open as easily. But if he was being honest with himself it was already too late. He couldn’t even pretend (Y/n) had slipped in slowly and quietly. She had kicked the door in the first time he saw her and then she had made her home in his heart, barricading herself inside.

When (Y/n) came out of the bathroom her hair was damp. He hadn’t even heard the shower. There was something so endearing about seeing her like this, fresh out of the shower in an oversized FBI training t-shirt, something so domestic. “You’re turn.” She nodded at him. It took him a second to react before he stood up and followed her example of showering and changing into something more comfortable.

Later that night they laid side by side in the dark. The only light source were the colorful lights of Sin City. (Y/n) turned her head to look at Spencer. She could only make out his silhouette in the dark. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He turned his head towards her too. “For acting so weird. You’re right there’s something wrong but I don’t know if I want to talk about it yet.” (Y/n) felt her throat close. “It’s just...I’m really anxious about the undercover mission tomorrow and that never happened to me before...” She tried to control herself, but she couldn’t help but let out a small sob. “I’ve never chickened out before.”

Spencer didn’t know what to do. He had never seen (Y/n) cry before. “You’re not gonna chicken out, it’s normal to be anxious about these things. And...and you don’t have to worry because you’re not alone. I’ll be by your side the entire time, ok?” (Y/n) nodded but then she remembered he couldn’t see her.

“Ok...thank you. Just promise me you won’t put yourself in danger, ok? I don’t know what is up with me I’ve never been like this before a mission...I’m worried about you and I have a really bad feeling, I can feel it in my gut, you know?”

Spencer didn’t respond immediately, instead his fingers found the hem of her sleeve and tugged at it. (Y/n) understood and closed the distance between them until Spencer had his arms wrapped around her. “Is this ok?” He asked, almost regretting having been so bold.

“Yeah, this is nice.” She could feel him take a deep breath and relax. She felt his heartbeat against her back and her own heart began to beat faster.

Spencer almost couldn’t believe his luck. The faint smell of the shampoo in her hair made him dizzy. He never wanted to let her go ever again. “Spencer?” Her voice trembled. “Hm?”

“I need to tell you something...”

Chapter 3

Spencer’s breath caught in his throat. (Y/n) turned around in his arms until she faced him. She had never been so close to him. He tried to study her face, but the darkness was making it hard. “What is it?” He asked cautiously. “I think it’s better if I show you.” He watched her as she raised her hands in front of him. When she pinched the back of one of her hands, he could feel it. He stared at her for a second. He felt the realization dawn on him. His mind short circuited and a quiet “Oh” escaped him.

(Y/n) felt her face heat up. She retreated hastily from Spencer’s arms to sit up with her back against the headboard. After 2 minutes Spencer still hadn’t said anything. “I-I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have said anything.” (Y/n) stood up. Now she felt stupid. Suddenly she felt like she was intruding. “I’m just gonna...” She pointed at the door and before leaving in a hurry. Spencer wanted to say something, but the words never left his mouth.

Before he could gather his thoughts, she was gone. It all made sense now. He couldn’t believe she had caught it before him, how could he not notice it until now? His first instinct was to run after her but what if she didn’t want to see him? Maybe she hadn’t told him because she didn’t want to be his soulmate. The only reason she had told him at all had to be the undercover mission tomorrow. Full disclosure so he knew what he was getting himself into.

Had something like this happened before? He tried to remember every single thing he had ever read or heard about soulmates but there was nothing. Another thought crept up on him. She knew when he was having nightmares, every night he had woken up covered in sweat, she had shared with him. Somehow, he wanted to apologize for that. She had to have been in so much pain because of him.

(Y/n) didn’t come back for the rest of the night. She had probably spent the night in Elle and JJ’s room. Spencer needed to talk to her before they started the mission but through the entire day, he couldn’t get her alone. He was almost sure she was avoiding him.

Some time in the evening they were getting ready for the fundraiser. The first time he saw her again was in front of the Bellagio. He wanted to say something, but they were wearing wires and he didn’t know if she’d told Elle or JJ about the soulmate thing, not to mention that the entire Las Vegas PD didn’t have to know about their personal issues.

(Y/n) couldn’t help but give him a small smile when she saw Spencer in his tuxedo. She had never seen Spencer dressed up like this before. “You eh, you look good.” She didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. “Thanks, you too.”

“Guys you need to step your game up if you want to make it believable for the unsub. You look like two teens going to a school dance.” Morgan’s voice rang through their earpieces.

“Shut up, Derek, next time you can go undercover.”

She took the lead and walked into the entrance hall. Spencer walked behind her and in a moment of braveness he put his hand on the small of her back. She flinched under his touch but before he could take it back, she eased into the touch. There was too much on the line to let personal issues get in the way of the mission.

For the rest of the night, they walked around, watching people, trying to identify the unsub, to no avail. The tension was killing them. “Ok, this is getting ridiculous, we won’t get picked if we keep going on like this.” Spencer took (Y/n)’s hand and dragged her into an empty hallway. Before she knew what was happening, he had muted both of their mics.

“We need to talk about this. I’m sorry, I didn’t say anything yesterday I was just...” “Shocked?” She interrupted him. “I get it, can we go back to the mission now?”

She was already about to go back when he grabbed her hand and dragged her back. “Look, I get it, I’m not what you had hoped for in a soulmate, but you need to get your shit together.” (Y/n)’s eyebrows were furrowed. “What the hell are you talking about, if there would be anyone I would chose as a soulmate, it would be you!” “You’re not...you’re not mad?” “No, I’m not mad, I thought you were the one unhappy with this whole thing.” “Why would I be? If there’s anyone who should be unhappy, it’s you. You’re way out of my league –” “Oh my god, Spencer just shut up.” She cracked a smile. “You’re my best friend, why would I spend so much time with you, if I didn’t like you?”

He looked at her for a second. “I...I don’t know.” “Look at me.” She took his face in between her hands. “Don’t you ever say that you’re not good enough ever again.”

Spencer never wanted to kiss her more than it that moment. His eyes wandered to the hall again and then he saw it. “That’s him.” (Y/n) was still caught up in the moment. “What?”

“Our unsub, that’s him!” “Are you sure?” “Yes, now come on.”

They turned their mics back on. “Reid? What happened?” Morgan questioned but he didn’t get an answer. “We have our unsub, it’s the guy in the dark grey suit by the champagne fountain.” (Y/n) whispered. “We have a visual. Try to get near him.” “Roger that.”

As they walked out of the hallway Spencer placed his hand around (Y/n)’s waist. Her heart was beating faster again. They made sure to be in the unsub’s field of view when Spencer took her hand. “Wanna dance?”

(Y/n) just nodded, she felt her cheeks heat up and she hoped Spencer wouldn’t notice. Unfortunately, he was still a profiler and so he bent down to whisper in her ear. “You know you’re cute when you blush.” The red on her face only intensified. “You know they can hear us.”

They heard a laugh from Morgan. “Yeah, we can, looks like our boy’s got moves, careful (Y/n).” Spencer gave her a smile before taking her to the dancefloor.

“I didn’t know you could dance.” (Y/n) whispered as they swayed to the music. “I’m full of surprises, what can I say.” He hadn’t stopped smiling at her the whole time. Her arms wrapped a little tighter around his neck as she laid her head on his chest. She could hear his heart beat fast and she could smell his cologne. She raised her head slightly so that her nose grazed his neck. She felt him shudder lightly as if he was getting goosebumps.

“Guys he’s approaching you.” As soon as Morgan had alerted them, they heard a voice.

“I’m sorry to intrude like this. But you two just looked so beautiful together. Can I buy you a drink?”

(Y/n) had to peel herself away from Spencer. She never wanted to let him go again. “Sure, thank you, Sir.” She gave him a smile.

The man was a bit older than they had expected. The rest was dead on. He looked sophisticated enough with his expensive suit and his well-groomed physical appearance. The three of them sat down at the bar.

“So, what are you two lovebirds doing here? I can tell you’re not from Vegas.” He took a sip from his Whiskey. (Y/n) had to squeeze Spencer’s hand under the bar before he could open his mouth and correct the unsub, that he was, in fact, “from Vegas”. Instead (Y/n) took the word.

“Well, I know you’re not supposed to brag about this stuff but...” She gave Spencer an endearing look that instantly melted his heart. “We just found out we were soulmates and we wanted to get married as fast as possible and what better place than Las Vegas, the City of Marriage, right?”

The man eyed both of them for a moment. (Y/n) had never felt so exposed in her life. She wanted nothing more than shove her gun into this guy’s face and arrest him right then and there, but they had to wait. He had to take them to the hotel room, they had no concrete evidence yet.

“Congratulations you two. I hope I’m not overstepping here but would it be alright to give you a wedding gift?”

“That is so kind of you, right honey?” She looked at Spencer who forgot for a second the situation they were in. His mind had tripped over itself when he heard her call him “honey”. “Right, right, very kind.” He had to tear his eyes away from her. “I want to pay for a night in a suite, the most expensive in Las Vegas.”

“We would love that, but can I ask why?” (Y/n) asked. They couldn’t be too willing to come along with him or he would get suspicious.

The man let out a theatrical sigh before downing the rest of his Whiskey. “I lost my wife a few years ago and I want to do something good for such a sweet couple like you.” They both knew that was a blatant lie. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Spencer watched (Y/n) play her role with perfection.

“Let’s not talk about me, this is your special night. The car is waiting outside.”

With every step they took (Y/n)’s bad feeling only got worse. She couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly, but something was off. When they got into the car, she heard the doors lock and panic began to spread. She tried to calm herself down. The team knew where they were, and they would follow them to the hotel where they could finally arrest this guy. She felt Spencer’s fingers slip between hers. She tried to put on a smile but then she saw the man’s face and her blood froze. He knew.

“How funny...” He spoke. His smile made her skin crawl. “The FBI send me an actual pair of soulmates.” (Y/n) let out a nervous laugh. “I don’t know what you mean.” He pulled out a gun and pointed it at her. Spencer wanted to make a move, but the man shot him a look. “If you move, she’s dead.”

(Y/n) could hear Morgan’s voice in her ear. “They’ve been compromised we need to get them out now!” “Your microphones and earpieces please.” The man held out his hand. They had no choice. Hesitantly they took them off and handed them to him. (Y/n) could only watch in horror as the man took them and put the microphone to his mouth. “You can collect your agent’s bodies in a few days.” As soon as he had stopped talking, he crushed the devices.

(Y/n) prayed that the team would find them in time. She could feel how she began to lose it. Spencer felt it too. He squeezed her hand. “Don’t worry, we’ll be fine, they’re gonna find us.” The man laughed. “They will, but by then it will already be too late. I’m gonna have so much fun with the two of you.”

She felt Spencer’s hand wipe away some tears from her cheeks. She hadn’t even noticed she had started to cry.

They arrived at the hotel with no interruptions. (Y/n) knew he had shook the surveillance. As soon as they entered the luxurious suite, (Y/n) was just seconds away from a breakdown. There was no way out anymore. It would take the team an eternity before they found them.

There were about 150.000 hotel rooms in Las Vegas. There was no way they’d be found in time.

(Y/n) fell to her knees. “This is all my fault, I’m so sorry Spencer.” He kneeled next to her, putting an arm around her. “This is not your fault, why would you say that?” “Because I was so distracted. I haven’t been able to focus, I should’ve said something, and we should have sent someone who could do their job properly.” “Look at me.” Spencer cupped her face with his hands. “This is not your fault, do you understand?” She let out a sob. “We’re gonna die...” “We’re gonna be fine, I’m right here, ok? I’m right here with you.”

The man had sat on one of the armchairs, two security guards by his side. “I can assure you that the other agents wouldn’t have been chosen. I know the difference between real and fake soulmates.” Spencer looked up. “How?” He saw the man’s face turn into a grimace.

“Because I can recognize an abomination of nature when I see one.”

(Y/n) let out another sob. Spencer turned his attention back to her. “(Y/n), breath, look at me.” He saw the terror in her eyes. “Look at me, we will get out of here.” She nodded but the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. He had never seen her this scared. They had been through some bad stuff in the past but never had he seen her lose her cool. Something was very, very wrong.

Chapter 4

Everyone on the team was on edge. Morgan’s forehead was covered in sweat. Gideon was standing right behind him, Elle and Garcia sitting just a few feet away.

“How funny...” They heard the unsub’s voice. Something was not right. “The FBI sent me an actual pair of soulmates.”

They exchanged concerned looks. “What is he talking about?” Morgan turned around to look at the others. Garcia shrugged. “She never said anything to me. Do you think that’s what they were talking about earlier when the mics were off?” Gideon’s brows were furrowed. “Could be. Regardless we need to help them.” “They’ve been compromised we need to get them out now!” Morgan addressed the swat team.

Before they could do anything else, they heard the unsubs voice again. “You can collect your agent’s bodies in a few days.”

The horror in Garcia’s eyes grew before the signal died. “We need to do something now!”

A few hours had passed. The unsub, whose name turned out to be Rory Marshall, had left them alone in the suite. There was no phone, and the door was locked. One look out of the window told them they were at least on the 30th floor. There was no escape. Even if they managed to figure out what hotel they were in, they had no way of communicating with the team.

Spencer had gotten (Y/n) through another panic attack. Now she was sitting on the floor with her back leaning against an armchair. Spencer sat right next to her while holding her hand. After a while he moved his position to sit in front of her. He took her other hand too. “(Y/n) look at me.”

She raised her head. The color had drained out of her face. Her eyes were wide open and red. “I know this is very stressful.” Spencer continued. “But we will get through this. I won’t let anything happen to you.” She nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that; none of this is you’re fault. If anyone is at fault, it’s that unsub who is killing people.” “Spencer? What is going to happen to us?”

They both had seen the victims. They both knew what he had done to them. Spencer didn’t need to answer. There was no need to remind (Y/n) of the cruelty that had taken place in the other suites.

Spencer cupped her face in his hands. “Do you remember the Luxor Hotel? The one that looks like a pyramid with the light beam coming out of it?”

“Yes I remember.” “Did you know that the light attracts so many insects that it has established a new ecosystem with moths, bats and owls.” (Y/n) started at him for a second before she realized what he was doing. A small smile made it’s way on her face. Spencer caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. “And did you know that bats can live more than 30 years?” Her eyes became glassy as she scooted closer to him. “And did you know that they can fly at up to 60 mph, in fact the Mexican free-tailed bat can reach up to 100 mph, making it the fastest mammal on earth.”

(Y/n) was so close to him, their noses almost touched. Spencer’s heart began to beat faster. His hands were still on her face. He wanted to pull her closer and kiss the pain away. His eyes flickered to her lips and then back to her eyes. “Thank you, Spencer.” She whispered.

Before she could close the distance between them, the door opened with a bang. The sound made them jump and separate.

Marshall walked in with a grin on his face. “Look at you lovebirds, I hope I’m not intruding.” (Y/n)’s eyes fell on the suitcase in his hand. Two other men followed Marshall into the room. Both were armed. Marshall gave one of them a signal. The man left and came back with two chairs and rope. (Y/n) felt her stomach cramp and the thought what was going to follow. Her and Spencer didn’t move. The other two men left, leaving them alone with Marshall.

“I really didn’t want to interrupt.” he spoke. (Y/n) shot Spencer a quick glance. None of them spoke. She could see Marshall’s facial expression change slowly but surely. The self-assured, mocking look was being replaced by impatience, anger and aggression. “Go on.” He continues while pulling out his gun. “Go on, Dr. Reid, do what you were about to do!”

Spencer looked at (Y/n) but he still didn’t move. He could see the tears gather in her eyes. “I said do it!” Marshall shouted. He was losing it. There was nothing left of his cocky grin. Instead, his face was distorted into a grimace. “Do it or I’ll shoot her right now.”

Spencer straightened his back. “You won’t. You need her, you need us both for your revenge fantasy.” “Do you want to test me?” There was something absolutely insane in Marshall’s eyes. The clicking of the safety being disabled rang through the room. “I said do it.” He was calm again but there was something in his voice that made (Y/n)’s stomach turn.

“It’s ok.” She whispered to Spencer. He didn’t look half as calm as he looked an hour ago. He cupped her cheeks again. “You’re going to be fine; I promise.” He pulled her in until his lips were on hers. They tasted salty from her tears, but they were soft. For a moment he forgot where they were. He had wanted to kiss her for so long. She melted into him, grabbing his dress shirt to pull him even closer. The urgency in her movement almost drove him insane.

“Get in the chairs.” Marshall’s voice interrupted their moment. Spencer pulled away, locking eyes with (Y/n). Her cheeks were flushed and there was a glint in her eyes.

The ropes rubbed against her wrists and ankles. They were too tight to move. Marshall paced in front of them. He had opened the suitcase on a small coffee table. (Y/n) didn’t need to be an expert to know it was full of torture instruments. Every fiber in her body wanted to run when he pulled out a big hunting knife and walked towards her.

“Don’t touch her!” Spencer struggled against his constraints. “Leave her alone!” Marshall let out a laugh. “You know it doesn’t matter which one I chose you’ll both feel it.” He pretended to ponder for a moment before he continued talking. “I still think I’ll start with her. How does it feel not to be able to do anything to help her?” He shot Spencer a look. That shit-eating grin had returned to his face.

He turned to (Y/n). “Where do we start?” He lazily dragged the blade across her collarbone before making a cut. (Y/n) hissed. She felt something warm drip down her chest. Involuntarily she remembered that the killer would spare her face like he had with all his other victims. Her best guess was that he liked to look at them when he had his fun with them after they were dead.

Marshall made another cut, right under the first one. (Y/n) squeezed her eyes shut. Her jaw tensed as she tried not to make a sound. She heard Spencer inhale sharply. She remembered, Rory Marshall wasn’t hurting just her, he was hurting Spencer too. She would have given anything to protect him. If he would hurt only her, she could endure it knowing he spared Spencer, but this wasn’t the case.

The only thing she could protect him from right now was the first hand experience of being tortured and hopefully the mental scars that would remain. She knew she could handle it, for Spencer. He didn’t deserve this, any of it. She just should’ve told Hotch about the soul mate thing and they could have prepared differently. But now it was too late for that and minute to minute the pain made it harder to think.

There was a loud ringing in her ears and her mind was in a fog. After a while she couldn’t hold back the cries. She didn’t want to give Marshall the satisfaction, but it was too much. As if that wasn’t enough, she could hear Spencer too. She didn’t know how much time had passed when Marshall finally backed away from her. Her whole body was sore, and her cloths were damp from her own blood. She struggled to keep her eyes open, but she kept staring back at Marshall. It took her a moment to realize, why he had stepped away from her. His phone was ringing. He took a look at the display before letting out a groan and answering.

“What!? I’m busy.” He snapped. Silence followed. “Alright I’ll be there, give me half an hour.” Then he hung up. “Sorry, kids, I’ve got places to be but don’t worry, I’ll be back.” Before leaving the room and locking the door, he undid Spencer’s ropes.

As soon as they were alone Spencer jumped from his chair rushed over to (Y/n). He still felt the echoes of her pain, but it wasn’t half as bad as the pain she was going through. While his body was intact, hers was cut and bruised. He tried to untie her, but his fingers were trembling too badly.

“Are you ok?” Spencer looked up in surprise as he heard her talk. A nervous laugh left his throat. “You’re asking me if I’m alright?” She nodded. “He hurt you too, didn’t he?” “It’s ok, it’s fading.” That wasn’t entirely true. He still felt the sting of the cuts. He took a deep breath and started to undo the ropes. Finally, the knots loosened.

“Can you stand?” He asked. (Y/n) shook her head. “Ok, I’m going to help you get to the bathroom, we need to clean you’re cuts.” He managed to get his arm under her to give her some support. After ten painful minutes they reached the bathtub. Spencer unzipped her dress. “Is this ok?” (Y/n) just nodded absentmindedly. He left her underwear on and sat her into the tub. He found a towel, held it under warm water and proceeded to clean her up. She watched him with half lidded eyes as he carefully dabbed the cloth over her wounds.

“This is not how I imagined you seeing me naked for the first time.” The ghost of a smile appeared on her face. Spencer paused for a moment to look at her. “You imagined that?” A tint of pink appeared on her pale face.

“I know you find it hard to believe, that girls think about you that way, but they do. I do.” Spencer stared at her. He hadn’t realized she really liked him like that.

“How did you imagine it?” He asked as he continued to clean her. As much as he wanted to know, he also needed to get her mind off what was happening right now. She shot him another look. “Wouldn’t you like to know, lover-boy?”

He let out a laugh. “You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

After a moment of silence, she spoke up. She didn’t look at him. Instead, her gaze was fixed on the marble floor of the bathroom. “I don’t know. Maybe we both would have been working late and there was no one else except us. And I would walk over to your desk to ask you something and of course you’d know the answer. You always know the answer to anything. I’d listen to you talk...I love when you talk...” She looked so tired. “And I wouldn’t be able to keep it to myself anymore and I would tell you how I felt about you...and you’d kiss me and I would kiss you back...” She hissed as he cleaned on especially deep cut.

“I’m sorry, are you alright?” His worried eyes found hers. “Yeah, I’m fine.” “I’m sorry.” He repeated and placed a kiss on her forehead. When he pulled back, she looked at him with wide eyes. “Can you do it again?” “What?” “Can you kiss me, like you did before?”

Spencer searched her face for a sign of what was going on in her head. Her telling him about what she imagined him doing to her and asking him to kiss her did things to him. Things, he

hadn’t experienced before. He didn’t really know what to do. He didn’t want to take advantage of her vulnerable state, but he felt like she needed him.

He leaned forward to kiss her forehead again but before he could, she grabbed his face and pulled him down. “I meant like this.” She whispered before closing the distance between them and capturing his lips. The smell of his cologne still lingered, she needed it like oxygen. She needed him. She placed several more desperate kisses on his lips before pulling back to look at him. A second later Spencer’s hands were on her cheek and on her neck to pull her back again into another kiss. He had imagined this a hundred times but the reality of her soft and lips against his finally made him understand what Edgar Allan Poe had meant by “We loved with a love that was more than love”.

He felt her shiver. He pulled back. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” He helped her out of the tub. After he had dried her and given her one of the bathrobes, he helped her into bed.

(Y/n) was tired...so tired. Her head was spinning but she knew she wouldn’t be able to get any sleep. “Can you stay with me?” She asked. “Of course.” He sat down on the bed. Her eyes wandered over his figure. He had taken of the tuxedo, so he was left with the white dress shirt. He had rolled up the sleeves to his elbows, just the way she liked it. The shirt was stained with her blood and it took her back to this reality.

“You know he does this on purpose.” Spencer’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?” “He gives us so much time alone, so we get closer and it’s even more painful when does those things to us.” “I don’t care, I won’t leave you alone. Also, we must find a way out of here.” “There is no way out. We have to pray the team finds us before it’s too late.” “There has to be a way out. And we’ll find it. Try to get some rest now.” “I can’t sleep.” “You haven’t even tried yet.” “But I know I can’t.” “But you have to. Pain tolerance is reduced by sleep deprivation.”

(Y/n) shot him a look. “Thanks for the heads up.” Spencer slipped under the blanket and laid an arm around her. She buried her face in the crook of his neck. She felt the vibrations through his chest as he began to talk again. “Randy Gradner holds the record for the longest period without sleep. It was 11 days and 25 minutes. He set the record in 1964 when he was only 17. They monitored his health. He had problems concentrating and struggled with paranoia and hallucinations. On the last day he was asked to subtract 7 repeatedly starting with 100. He stopped at 65, when asked why, he said he’d forgotten what he was doing...”

(Y/n) didn’t hear the rest, Spencer’s voice had lulled her to sleep. He felt her shallow but regular breath on his neck. He closed his eyes. He would get her out of here.

Chapter 5

(Y/n) woke up exhausted. They didn’t sleep much. When they woke up it was still dark outside. It took her a second to realize what had woken her up. The door had been opened very loudly and her and Spencer were dragged into the living room area. They were tied to the chairs again. The ropes burned against her already bruised wrists and ankles. To their surprise the two men who had tied them up left. They were alone again.

(Y/n) turned to Spencer. “Please tell me you have a plan. We need to get out fast. If Marshall stays on track, we have less than 48 hours.” Spencer’s brows were furrowed. She could practically hear his mind work. “We need to check the windows if they open. Maybe we can get some sort of sign outside.”

“What if it doesn’t work, what’s our plan B?” “Currently we don’t have a plan B...”

They sat there almost 4 hours before Marshall entered the room. He looked exhausted. (Y/n) felt a twinge of hope. The FBI knew his identity, there was no way he could hide for much longer. “You know, they’ll catch you. You won’t get away with this.” She said.

Marshall turned around at her with a surprised look on his face. “I thought I had messed you up pretty good last night. And you’re still talking back.” He gave her a smile that made her skin crawl. “Maybe this time I’ll try your little boyfriend.” (Y/n) saw the blood drain from Spencer’s face but his expression didn’t change. She knew he was stronger than most people would give him credit for. She wasn’t most people but the thought of him getting tortured made her sick. It wasn’t about the fact that she would feel it too, seeing Spencer in pain was almost worse.

“So, what’s your deal?” She asked. Anything to get him talking, to figure out why he was killing these people. Marshall let out a laugh. “So brave today, aren’t we?” “Why do you keep killing soulmates? Feeling lonely? Didn’t mommy give you enough love when you were a kid?” She saw his smile fade. “Or what, maybe you were in love and she turned you down because she had found her soulmate?” Bull’s eye. His face turned into a grimace again.

“Shut your mouth!” He raised his hand to slap her, but he caught himself just in time. For a second he seemed to try to get his rage under control. Then he leaned down to whisper into her ear. “You’re nothing but a filthy whore and by the time you get out of here there will be almost nothing left of you to identify the body.”

(Y/n) held her breath. She had gained precious information. His main target were the women. He was projecting his abandonment on them. The men were just there because it made the whole ordeal more painful. He had raped the women after their death to regain power, power over the soulmate bond.

“You’ll always be alone, killing and raping these women will never compare to a true connection and you know it.” (Y/n) said. Spencer stared at her. She wasn’t interrogating anymore; she was making him angry. And then it clicked. “(Y/n) stop.” He shot her a pleading look. But she didn’t pay him any mind but instead continued.

“So, how did she break it to you? Did she at least tell you in person?” Marshall took on the color of a plum. “Oh.” A cold laugh escaped her lips. “She didn’t. You weren’t even worth telling face to face.”

“SHUT UP!” Marshall grabbed a glass from the coffee table and threw it at (Y/n). She managed to dodge it and it shattered on the wall behind her.

Spencer began to panic. “(Y/n) stop, I know what you’re doing, stop it you’re going to get hurt!” While he was tied up, there was no way he could help her.

“Is that all you got!?” (Y/n) threw the word in Marshall’s face. His hands were trebling. “You’re ruining everything!” “Oh, am I? Am I ruining your little revenge fantasy? You know that it doesn’t matter how many people you kill; it will never be the same as the time you killed her. She couldn’t fight back, could she?”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Marshall took the hunting knife in his hand making his way to (Y/n). To her surprise he didn’t cut her, but the ropes. He grabbed her arm and threw her on the ground. “I’m gonna show you fight!”

(Y/n) struggled to get on her feet. She was still weak, but the adrenaline kicked in as soon as he swung the knife in her direction. She turned her head frantically to look for something she could use as a weapon. Her eyes fell on an expensive vase. She grabbed it and threw it at him. While dodging it he lost the knife.

Everything moved in slow-motion as both made a run for it.

And then she had it, she had the knife. Her fingers curled around the handle. She raised her arm but before she could slam the blade into her attacker, she heard a gunshot.

The first thing she felt was her arm going limp. A few seconds later realization hit her and then a wave of pain washed over her. For a moment she thought she had to throw up. Her vision went blurry and the last thing she felt was a burning hot sensation and wetness on her arm. She heard Spencer yell her name before she lost consciousness.

When (Y/n) woke up again she was sitting in the chair, arms and legs tied up. The pain from her arm radiated through her entire body. She had trouble focusing. The first thing to catch her eye was Spencer whose gaze was fixed on her.

“Oh, thank god you’re awake!” She had never heard him sound this scared. “(Y/n) look at me.” Her head was heavy...her eyes were heavy. “(Y/n) look at me.” She managed to raise

her head, so she was making eye contact. “Listen, you have lost a lot of blood and you’re still bleeding. You need to somehow put pressure on the wound. It’s in your right arm near the shoulder. Try to lean against the chair with that part of your arm. It won’t save you, but it’ll hopefully keep you from bleeding out till I can help you.”

She struggled to hold her eyes open, let alone understand what Spencer was saying to her. Another person appeared in her field of vision. “Just let me help her!” This was Spencer’s voice. “Why should I? I’ll let the bitch bleed out, it’s what she deserves and you’re gonna watch her die.” Was this the unsub’s voice?

“But this is not how you operate normally. This is not how you get your satisfaction, do you want all of this to have been for nothing? You really let one of your men take the kill-shot? She won’t die by your hand but by that guy’s.”

There was silence. After what felt like an eternity, she felt the ropes loosen around her hands and legs. She felt two familiar arms around her. Everything went dark again.

“(Y/n) can you hear me?” This was Spencer’s voice again. “Spencer...why did you put me in the tub again?” She murmured. “What are you talking about? Open your eyes, look at me.” The panic in his voice hadn’t faded. “I’m wet, why did you put me under the shower?” “I didn’t please just open your eyes.”

(Y/n) felt like her eyes were glued shut. After a struggle she finally managed to open them a bit. She was greeted with Spencer’s face hovering over her. Her eyes wandered over his figure and widened as she saw him covered in blood. She wanted to sit up but a sharp pain in her arm held her down. She hissed.

“Spencer what happened, are you hurt, why is there so much blood? Let me help you...” “Calm down, it’s not mine.” He hesitated for a second. “It’s yours. You were shot and almost bled out.” “What? What happened?” You had the knife but before you could do anything, one of the bodyguards came in and shot you, he must’ve heard the commotion.” “Are you ok?” “Will you stop asking me that? You got shot!” “Exactly! You must be in pain too.” “I’m managing, it’s not so bad.” “You’re lying.” “Please don’t worry about me, ok?” “But I do, I worry about you all the time, I know you can handle yourself, but I care about you and I don’t want you to be in pain because of me.” “It’s ok, really.”

They looked at each other for a moment. Spencer bent down to place a kiss on her forehead. “Let’s focus on how we get out of here.”

“Have you checked the windows?” “They won’t open, it doesn’t surprise me though. We’re on the 30th floor, of course they’re shut.”

(Y/n) let her head fall back onto the pillow. “We’re screwed.” Spencer’s brows furrowed. “What are you thinking?” She asked. “The glass...”

“I don’t follow. The shards aren’t big enough to use as a weapon when he comes back.” “No, that’s not what I mean.”

Without saying another word, he got up and walked into the bathroom. (Y/n) heard glass shattering. “Spencer are you alright?” He came back into the room with a piece from the mirror.

“We can use this to send out an S.O.S. signal.” “How?” “Just watch.”

Spencer walked over to one of the windows. The sun shone into the room. He positioned the mirror in a certain position so that it reflected the sunlight and threw a patch of light onto the ceiling. He moved it so the light would go out of the window. He moved the shard in specific intervals.

“You’re a genius.” (Y/n) almost wanted to laugh. With a little bit of luck, someone would see the light signal. “I know.” He gave her a small smile.

Spencer repeated the pattern until the sun went down. “Now we pray someone saw that.” “Let’s hope it won’t be too late.”

He walked back to the bed. “You have to promise me something.” “What is it?”

He waited for a moment before answering. She looked awful. The bathrobe was soaked in blood, so was her hair. The parts of her skin that showed were covered in cuts and bruises. Her eyes were framed by dark circles. “Promise me you won’t make him angry again. I know you’re trying to protect me, but I wouldn’t know what to do if you sacrificed yourself so that I can get out of here.”

“I can’t promise you that.” “(Y/n), I’m serious.” She could see tears gather in his eyes. “Please...” The urgency in his voice made her heart ache.

With her good arm she reached out to put her hand on his cheek. “Alright, I promise.” Spencer closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. She managed to sit up and then position herself on his lap so that she was facing him, legs hooked around him. When he looked up at her there was nothing but adoration in his eyes.

“Thank you for taking care of me.” (Y/n) whispered before leaning down to press a kiss on his lips. Spencer wrapped his arms around her waist, careful not to touch her injured arm that was now bandaged and resting in a makeshift sling. Their chests were pressed together, and she could feel his heartbeat. Her breath became heavier as her fingers made their way into his hair and she tried to pull him even closer. (Y/n)’s cheeks began to heat up. She pulled away to whisper in his ear. “I need you so bad...” She felt him shiver underneath her. She continued to kiss his neck, relishing in the small sighs that escaped his throat.

She was just about to undo the buttons to his dress shirt when he grabbed her hand. “Wait...” “What?” “You can’t do this.”

“What? Why not? I thought you...” She looked around for a few seconds, anything not to meet his gaze and stood up as fast as she could. “I – I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed...I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable...I’m sorry.” Embarrassment washed over her. “I don’t know what came over me, I should’ve asked – I...”

Spencer stood up too walking towards her. She moved back and let out an insecure laugh. “I’m really sorry.” “No don’t be, it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just...” She still couldn’t look at him. “I don’t want to do this when there is a possibility that you just want this because of the circumstances. You might just be feeling about me this way because we’re in a life-or-death situation and I’m taking care of you. I don’t want this to happen just because you project these feelings onto me and regret it once we get out of here.”

(Y/n) stared at him but couldn’t say a word. Instead, Spencer continued. “It’s just, this has happened to me before, kind of, and I don’t want to...” “You don’t want to go through that again, I get it.” She slowly walked towards him. “Then we wait. But I want you to know that I’ve wanted this before we got caught up in this mess and the only things I regret are the ones I didn’t say to you sooner and that I didn’t have the courage sooner. I know this is important to you. I would wait a hundred years if that’s the time you needed. Just promise me you won’t forget me in the end.” She gave him a small smile. He smiled back and pulled her into a hug, still careful as to not to hurt her.

“I could never forget you.” “Can I still kiss you?” Spencer looked into her eyes and he knew he would never be able to say no to that. “Yes, please.” His voice barely a whisper, he cupped her cheeks and pulled her in. This kiss wasn’t desperate, it was sweet and full of unspoken promises and confessions.

Chapter 6

The BAU team had gathered around a table at the precinct. They had defeated looks on their faces. Hotch turned to look again at the wall where they had gathered their information. Morgan and Elle sat at the table, going through the casefiles again. Morgan closed the files and let the folder slap on the table.

“Hotch, please tell me we have a plan?” Hotch didn’t answer immediately. Before he could, JJ walked in. “I have news. There has been an S.O.S. signal from a hotel window at the Palazzo. It could be nothing, but it could be them, we need a SWAT team.”

Morgan jumped up. “I’ll call Garcia to see if she can find them on security footage in the lobby.” “Right, Elle and I will talk to the SWAT team, we may have to prepare for a possible hostage situation.” Hotch said and walked out, Elle right behind him.

(Y/n) and Spencer sat back-to-back with the couch, facing the window. Marshall had come back earlier and this time he hadn’t let (Y/n) distract him from Spencer. He didn’t look good. (Y/n) had taken care of his cuts, just like he had done for her.

“Tonight, is the night...” (Y/n) said while looking out the window. “It’s gonna be alright.” Spencer turned his head to her for a moment. She didn’t seem panicked anymore. She had been when Marshall had tortured Spencer, but after she had taken care of him it was like she had resigned herself to the fact that there was no way out.

“Spencer?” “Yeah?” “I need to tell you something.” “No, you don’t.” “I – I don’t?” She raised an eyebrow.

(Y/n) positioned herself to face Spencer. “Why?” Spencer turned around too. “I know the speech. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want you to talk like we’re going to die tonight.” “But we could die, and I don’t want to die without having told you how I feel.” “Then I guess you’ll have to survive tonight if you want to tell me how you feel.”

They looked at each other in silence for a while. “I lo –” “No.” Before she could end her sentence, Spencer dipped down to shut her up with a kiss. “You tell me when we get out of here.” “You’re a horrible person.” A smile tugged at her lips.

It was almost idyllic, sitting in a room somewhere over Las Vegas, sun shining through the window. (Y/n) rested her head on Spencer’s shoulder.

“Can I tell you something else?” “Like the time you told me how you imagined me seeing you naked for the first time?” (Y/n) shot him a look. She felt her cheeks heat up. “I think we can both agree that was a moment of weakness.” Spencer let out a laugh. “I think I like your moments of weakness.” She gave him another look but then looked out the window again.

“You know, I still remember the first time I saw you.” She gave him a small smile. “I had just started working for the BAU. They called us in on a Saturday night, it was about the Keystone Killer.” Spencer smiled. “Yeah, I remember.”

“You were so quick to find clues in that word puzzle and...I don’t know. I thought it was cool. Also, you telling Ryan on what page of his book that Francis Bacon quote was on, was kind of funny. And you looked cute with your vest and you had your sleeves rolled up, just like now.”

“You thought I looked cute?” Spencer looked at the carpet, still smiling. (Y/n) nodded. “I did. And every time I saw you after that, I liked you a little more.” She paused for a moment. “The day I realized that I lo – I mean...you know, was on that case with Lila Archers stalker. I knew that I cared for you, but then I got jealous, I didn’t expect that. I had no right, still I knew then.”

He looked at her incredulously. “You were jealous?” She nodded and laughed. “It’s stupid, I know.” “I don’t think it’s stupid, I think it’s cute. Did you know shrimp can feel jealousy too?” “Are you comparing me to shrimp?” “Well apparently you do share some similarities.”

(Y/n) rested her head back on Spencer’s shoulder. “I’m so tired.” He gently stroke her hair. “Me too.” “Do you really think we’ll get out of here?” “I do.” He heard a quiet sniff escape her. When he looked down at her, he saw her cry. Spencer wiped away a tear with his thumb.

“Spencer, I’m scared.” “I know, me too.” He cupped her face. “But I need you to be strong.” “I don’t want to die.” She had trouble holding back sobs. “I just found you, I don’t want to go yet.” They scooted closer. Spencer pulled her face to his, so his forehead resting on hers. “I know, baby, it’s going to be ok.” “I can’t do it.” “Yes you can! You’re strong, I know that.” Spencer brushed his thumb over her lips. “Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?” (Y/n) shook her head.

Spencer brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “When I saw you for the first time, I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t really know what to say. You were so confident, despite being new and I whished I could be as confident as you. So, I tried to impress you, I guess I know now that it worked.” He let out a small laugh. “I didn’t think someone like you would ever go for someone like me. I guess I tried to get you out of my head with Lila. Obviously, it didn’t

work. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve always admired your bravery, you never give up and you can’t give up now.”

“I’ve got them.” Gracias voice rang through the speakers of a laptop surrounded by the other team members. “They’re on the security footage from two days ago in the lobby of the Palazzo. Rory Marshall is with them. They take the elevator, from there I lost them.” “It’s alright, thank you Garcia.” Hotch said. “We know the signal came from the 32nd floor. “That’s still a lot of hotel rooms.” Morgan chewed on a pen.

“Garcia, check how many suites are on that floor.” Hotch turned to the laptop again.

After a few seconds of keyboard clicking, Garcia spoke up again. “There’s five suites.” “Thank you.” Hotch turned to the others. “Get ready, we have to go in now, they don’t have much time left.”

(Y/n) had fallen asleep on Spencer’s shoulder. She woke up from a loud noise. Marshall entered the room, gun in his hand. “Stand up! Both of you. Get in the chairs.”

Something was wrong. Marshall didn’t wear his normal cocky grin. His was erratic, sweat covered his forehead. They didn’t move. “I said now!” Marshall shouted, pointing the gun at Spencer. They hurried to the chairs. Not two minutes later, they were tied up again.

“Your friends are here.” Marshall’s face had returned to that grimace he wore when he was getting angry.

(Y/n) felt hope rise in her chest. But as soon as the feeling came, it left her. Marshall had no reason to keep them alive anymore. He had no time to live out his fantasy. On the other hand, her and Spencer were his ticket out of here. Correction, her or Spencer could be his ticket out of here.

Marshall’s phone rang. He struggled to pick it up with one hand, his other one still clammed around the gun, uninterruptedly pointing it at Spencer. “Hello?” (Y/n) didn’t know if it was the tiredness or the desperation, but she could swear the voice on the end was Gideon’s.

“They’re right here...yeah...” Marshall shot them a look. “Yeah...” He repeated and handed the phone to Spencer, or rather held it to his ear. (Y/n) could see Spencer visibly relaxed as he heard Gideon’s voice. “Yeah we’re fine.” He said and shot (Y/n) a look. “(Y/n) was shot but we’ve got it under control.”

“Ok, that’s enough.” Marshall took the phone back. “I want a helicopter. And cash. By 9 p.m. sharp.” He hung up.

(Y/n) shifted in her seat. There was no way, Hotch would give him a helicopter. Regardless, there was one more thing she wanted to know. “How could you tell?” She turned her head to Marshall. “Tell what?” He snapped back. She had to be careful, he was on edge, everything looked like a possible threat right now.

“How could you tell we were actual soulmates? I only found out the day before myself.” Marshall shrugged. “I don’t know, I just knew when I saw you.”

“Actually, I could have an explanation.” Spencer chimed in. “There are studies that show that predators can pick out people that have previously been victims. They subconsciously learn to read body language and micro expressions to identify them. Because of this you’re chance of getting assaulted are higher, if you’ve been assaulted before.”

“Ok, enough of this psychoanalysis-bullshit. Shut up, I need to think.” Marshall started pacing around the room again.

It didn’t take long before the phone rang again. (Y/n) could hear Gideon’s voice again. He tried to negotiate the release of one of them. “One of my agents has been shot, let her go and we’ll prepare your demands.” Marshall hesitated. “I’ll send one of them to the roof, but I’ll decide which one.” Without waiting for the answer, he hung up.

Spencer immediately propped himself up on the chair. “Let her go, she needs medical attention.” The grin had returned. “No, I think I’ll keep her. You can go.” Spencer began to pale. “Please, let her go, you can keep me.”

“Shut up, I’m calling the shots and I say she stays!” He waved the gun around.

(Y/n) turned to look at Spencer. “It’s alright, I’ll be fine, please just go.” He could tell she was scared again and this time there was nothing he could do to help her. Every fiber in his body screamed to stay by her side and not to leave her alone with this psycho.

Marshall undid Spencer’s ropes and pointed the gun to his head. “Go.” Spencer hesitated. He shot (Y/n) one last look. She mouthed the word ‘go’. The second the hotel door closed behind him Spencer started to sprint to the elevator. He pushed the button to the last floor a few too many times, as if that would get him up there faster.

When he finally arrived on the roof, where they had negotiated the exchange, he was greeted by the rest of the BAU. JJ pulled him into a hug before he was put in a bulletproof vest. “What happened?” Hotch and Gideon were by his side in seconds. “What does the situation look like down there?”

Spencer closed the last Velcro straps on his vest. “As far as I could tell, Marshall is alone. I’m guessing some of his men left, when they got wind that the FBI was raiding the place. (Y/n)’s been hurt pretty badly. One of Marshall’s men shot her in the arm. We could stop the bleeding but I’m afraid it’ll get infected. She’s tied up and Marshall is losing it. We need to go in now.”

“I understand.” Hotch nodded. “But we need to be careful. If we move too fast, he could panic and kill her.” He turned to Spencer. “I understand you’re impatient, but we need to keep a cool head.” Spencer nodded. As soon as Hotch stepped away to talk to Gideon, Derek came up to Spencer, reassuringly putting a hand on his shoulder. “Is it true?” He asked. “What do you mean?” Spencer’s head was every except on the roof. “Is she really your soulmate?” Spencer nodded. “She told me the night before, but we didn’t get a chance to talk about it.” “We’ll get her out of there, don’t worry, man.” Spencer gave him a small smile. “Thanks.”

Derek’s brows furrowed. “Wait, if she’s been shot, didn’t you feel that too? You need to get checked up by a medic.” “I’m not leaving until she’s out of there.” Derek had rarely seen this level of determination on Spencer’s face. He nodded. “I understand.”

(Y/n) felt the panic come back. Now that Spencer was gone, she realized just how much of her mental stability had depended on him. He was only gone for two hours now and he already seemed so far away. She would have given anything to be in his arms again now.

Marshall was still pacing through the room. She could tell he was weighing his chances of coming out of this alive. (Y/n) just hoped he wouldn’t come to the conclusion that there was no way out and decide that he would take her with him as his final act of revenge. It didn’t look good. He was talking to himself, but she couldn’t understand the words. She took a deep breath. Spencer would try to talk his way out of this, but because she had antagonized herself the day before, there was a slim chance he would listen to her. She had to try.

“Rory?” He snapped his head around, bewildered by the fact she had used his first name. She could tell, he wasn’t used to that. As a person with this much power and money, she could imagine that he had few people who were so close to him that they would address him by his first name. “Rory, I know what you’re thinking about –” “You don’t know shit! Why would you know what I’m thinking about?” “You’re feeling trapped and you try to decide what to do.” “Shut up!”

(Y/n) waited for a minute. “What was her name?” “What!?” “What was the woman’s name? The one that broke your heart.” Marshall hesitated before answering. “Heather.” “What did you like about her?” “She was smart, and beautiful. I couldn’t believe it when she said yes to going to dinner with

me.” (Y/n) could tell by the look on his face that he was reminiscing that time in his life. There was this almost soft look in his eyes. “If you walk out of here alive there is a chance you might find someone new someday.” She said cautiously, never letting Marshall out of her sight. Marshall’s face hardened.

“What the fuck do you know?” She had made a mistake. “There will never be anyone else for me and now she’s dead because of me!” He started to raise his voice and his movements became more and more erratic. “Why did she have to meet that guy? It’s her fault I had to kill her, if she’d just stayed with me, we could have been happy!” The crazy look had returned to his face. “You’re all like this! You go around, thinking you can play with people until some fucking asshole comes along who’s supposed to be your soulmate and you think that gives you the right to drop everyone!” In three big strides he was right in front of her, pressing the barrel of the gun directly to her forehead. “I should just kill you too, one less bitch to walk this earth, I bet your little boyfriend will be heartbroken.” She saw the ecstasy in his eyes. “Maybe then he’ll know what it feels like.”

(Y/n) squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to conjure up images of Spencer. If she died here and now, she wanted him to be the last thing she thought about. She tried to remember the feeling of his lips on hers, the smell of his cologne, the softness of his hair and the sound of his voice hen he told her everything would be alright.

“I love you.” She whispered so quite that Marshall couldn’t hear it. A gunshot rang through the suite.

Chapter 7

When he heard the gunshot, Spencer froze. The SWAT team had stormed the suite, but he was still behind them in the hallway. The moment seemed to drag on forever. The sound burned itself into his mind. He wanted to move but the thought of what was waiting for him in that suite wouldn’t let him. In that moment he hated himself for not letting (Y/n) tell him those three words.

It wasn’t until Derek appeared by his side that he woke up from his trance. Spencer’s feet moved by themselves. He didn’t want to go into that room. As soon as he did, whatever had happened would irrevocably become reality. He hated himself for being such a coward.

“Spencer?” The floor was covered in blood, brain splattered across the carpet, that undoubtedly cost more than his entire apartment. She looked up at him with big eyes. He could see the body of Rory Marshall, who had spent his last seconds in shock as the SWAT team had kicked down the door and taken him out, before he could pull the trigger. His head was empty as he rushed to her, taking her into his arms, holding on to her like his life depended on it. He felt her sob into his shoulder. It was so good to hear her voice. “I love you, I love you, I love you...” She whispered. He pulled back just a bit to look at her. “I love you too, I love you so much and I’m so sorry...I could’ve lost you without telling you.”

She let out a weak laugh. He buried his face in her neck. “I’ll never leave you ever again, I promise.” “I’ll never leave you too, promise.”

The hospital room was dimly lit. Spencer sat at (Y/n)’s bedside. He had laid his head in her lap and fallen asleep with her fingers tangled in his messy hair. She watched his chest rise and fall peacefully. After a while she fell asleep too.

A few days later (Y/n) was released and Spencer insisted to take her home. As they stepped into her apartment, Spencer remained at the door, unsure of what to do. (Y/n) turned around. “Don’t you want to come in?” “Do you want me to come in? I thought maybe you wanted some time to yourself...”

(Y/n) dumped her bag on the couch and walked back to him. He was a bit taller than her, so she had to stand on her tip toes to reach him. She pressed a small kiss to his lips. “I want you.” She said quiet but determined. Spencer let out a nervous laugh. “Maybe you should rest, you’re just tired.”

She grabbed his face. “Spencer, listen to me. I’ve had a whole week to rest. You don’t need to worry I’m not in the right state of mind to make a decision. I haven’t changed my mind about you.” She was so close, their lips almost touched. “If you want me to stop, I will...”

Spencer looked at her, feeling like he was in a dream. She kissed him and it was like his head was empty again. That didn’t happen very often to Spencer. There was always something, some thought, some doubt, eating away at him but when she took his bottom lip between her teeth, everything was gone. She took his hand leading him to the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of her bed, while she stood in front of him, taking her shirt of.

“Let me show you, how much I care about you.” She said, before straddling him. Spencer couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He had dreamed about this moment for so long, he was mesmerized by her. The signs of torture were still visible. He traced a few healed cuts with his thumb. He felt her shiver under his light touch. He looked up at her, meeting her half- lidded eyes. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

“Are you nervous?” Spencer nodded. His fingertips kept wandering over her waist, caressing her soft skin. “You tend to have that effect on me.” (Y/n)’s smile grew. “I make you nervous?” Spencer nodded again. She raised her hand to run it through his hair. The slow strokes seemed to calm him down. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. He felt her hands travel down his face, his neck, to the collar of his shirt. “Can I take it off?” Spencer opened his eyes again. “Yes please.” He watched her fingers unbutton his shirt. She moved painfully slow. Undoubtedly as to not overwhelm him, but something told him it was more then that. She was teasing him, and it was working. He felt the tension grow.

(Y/n) slid the shirt over his arms, fingers tracing over his skin. She felt him getting goosebumps and a slight shiver making its way through his body. She brought her hands back to his face, lifting it to make him look at her. “Do you know, how beautiful you are?” She whispered before stealing a small kiss. “I could look at you for all eternity and never get bored.” “Beauty in things exists in the mind which contemplates them.” “So we’re quoting Hume now?” (Y/n) smiled. “God, I love you so much...” Spencer pulled her back into the kiss. One of his arms wrapped around her waist to pull her closer.

(Y/n) pulled away. “Aren’t you getting impatient?” She stood up to take of the rest of her clothes, but Spencer stopped her by putting his hand on her arm. He stood up, so (Y/n) had to look up again to look him in the eyes. “Let me...” His hands wandered over her waist to her back, unclasping her bra. For a moment she mused where he had learned to do that so well, but the thought was gone as fast as it came when her undergarment fell to the floor and she suddenly realized how bare she was in front of him. The urge to cover herself up never came though. Spencer looked at her like he had never seen anything so beautiful in his life, and truthfully, he hadn’t.

They got rid of the rest of their clothes before (Y/n) led Spencer to the bed. She waited a moment on the bedside. Spencer grabbed her arm, to pull her into the bed. She landed in his arms but before she could get comfortable, Spencer rolled over, trapping her underneath him. A grin spread on his face.

“You can’t tease me forever.” His locks fell into his face, framing it perfectly.

He dipped down, capturing her lips in a hungry kiss. He didn’t want to waste another second. He had waited for so long and then he had almost lost her. His lips traveled to her jaw, down to her neck. A sigh escaped her mouth. “Spencer...” She whispered. He continued to pepper kisses down on her chest, over her stomach. She felt his lips graze the skin on her inner thigh. One kiss at a time he came closer to the place she was aching for him to touch.

(Y/n) buried her fingers in his hair, guiding him. When his tongue slid through her wet folds, she couldn’t hold back her moans anymore. Between the obscene sounds, that filled the bedroom, she repeated Spencer’s name over and over, like a mantra. He loved to hear his name fall from her desperate lips. Her breath was getting irregular, he could tell she was close. He pulled back, only to lift himself up, so he could kiss her. He knew she could taste herself on him as he slipped his tongue into her mouth.

After a while, (Y/n) broke the kiss to sit herself up. She crawled over the bed, guiding Spencer, until he sat on the edge and she was kneeling on the floor in front of him. She ran her hands up his thighs, never breaking eye contact. She could tell, he was holding his breath.

“Relax...” She placed a few kisses on his thighs before slowly taking him into her mouth. Spencer inhaled sharply. Now he was the one with his fingers tangled in her hair, lewd sounds and profanities leaving his mouth.

(Y/n) could feel him trying to hold back but he was struggling. Satisfied with the effect she had on him, she started to work her way up his abdomen until she reached his neck, sucking on it, careful not to leave marks above where the collar of his shirt would close. She seated herself on his lap. Her hands reached around his neck for support when she slid down on him. Both took in a sharp breath. Spencer’s eyes were closed and his mouth slightly agape when he let out a soft moan. That sound alone could have driven (Y/n) over the edge. She waited a second to adjust to the feeling of being filled up by Spencer.

“You feel so good...” Spencer whispered in the crook of her neck. He sank his teeth into her soft skin, sending shivers down her spine. “You too.” She managed to say between breathy moans. Spencer had started to move slowly. His hands were tightly gripping her thighs to guide her own movements.

“Oh god...” She moaned while dropping her head on his shoulder. Her nails dug into his back. “Spencer, I won’t last very long...” “It’s ok, baby...” His strokes were getting deeper. “Say my name again...” “S-spencer I –” She felt her orgasm build up.

“Again.” “Spenc-aah”

Spencer could feel her tighten around him. Her nails left bright red scratch marks on his back. She cried out his name again and while she was wrapped so tightly around him, he felt his own release.

(Y/n) and Spencer were both panting heavily, sweat covering their foreheads. They just stared at each other for a few seconds. “You’re amazing.” A smile spread on Spencer’s face. He took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm. Her cheeks were glowing red.

“I’m not the only one.” She smiled back.

After cleaning themselves up they laid back in the bed. (Y/n)’s head was resting on Spencer’s chest. He was playing with her hair while she drew small patterns on his stomach. “Was it how you had imagined?” Spencer asked. She raised her head to look at him. “Better.” A smile tugged at her lips. “I never imagined it could feel so right to be with someone.”

“Me neither.” He paused for a moment. “I love you so much, it’s driving me crazy.” (Y/n) propped herself up to get a better look at him. There was nothing but pure adoration in his eyes. “I love you too, I never want to spend another day without you.” “You don’t have to, I promise I’ll never leave your side.”

(Y/n) put her head back on Spencer’s chest. After a while she had fallen asleep. 

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” - Aristotle

[ackerfics]

family line — a house of the dragon fanfiction | aegon ii targaryen x oc — masterlist

AESIRA TARGARYEN is not her father’s daughter.

He may have played a part in how she wailed in her first duet but she doesn’t crave bloodlust the way he did when he slayed the masked monsters that terrorised minds and cut off men’s cocks for their crimes. She’s sure that when the gods flipped her father’s coin, it never landed, still flying in the air — he was both a slayer of men and a natural doer of sins and debauchery; a figure so loved and so stigmatised by those who weren’t likened to the deities of the Old and the New. She doesn’t have the urge to swipe the throne from underneath the court’s eyes, doesn’t have the urge to soil and taint the innocence of her younger nephews — straying them from their birthright. Though named after a fairy tale warrior children revered so much, she steers clear of anything that her father ever touched. The way of the sword and warfare circulates her twin brother’s blood. Being the best dragonrider is her little brother’s dream, never hers. 

She is not her father’s daughter.

While the second prince who had nothing to inherit (but the cries of the people) wore their House with pride, she thought it was a burden to carry. She knows the gods knew on which side her coin landed but she tries hard enough to erase it. (Can she truly change her fate, though? When the whispers in between the red bricks haunt her so about how deep her parentage is?) Instead of wearing the blood red and the coal black of their colours, she chooses everything easy on the eyes; pastel demeanour and soft disposition — I am light and he is dark; I am separate from the blood running in my veins; I overcome him through thick and thin, as the novels and the sayings go — Light conquers Darkness whichever way you see it. 

She is not her father’s daughter.

Why would she be if he abandoned her and her siblings as he married the next innocent thing? Why would she consider him as her father when her twin brother cried about him never loving their mother one night when they were five name days old? Why should she be his daughter when he couldn’t even look her in the eye when the day required the family to be together?

She will never be her father’s daughter.

But she is in every way her mother’s. The lies flowing from her mind are all inherited from how her beautiful, lovely, caring mother crafted them as the woman stroked her slender fingers through the waves of her hair, “He will come back to us, darling sweetling; He loves you both so much and this little one I’m carrying as well.” Because of her mother, she can lie to save millions.

However, the anger she holds for her father makes her burst all of the edges of her being. She wants to stab him with her brother’s sword, make him hurt like the way she has been hurt when he gave them his back. Scream at him until he becomes deaf with how loud her thoughts are. The more she thinks about what could have been, the more she can see the coin the gods flipped at her birth. The madness of loneliness is truly the most pitiful thing. She’s surrounded by people who claim to love her but she longs for the family in her distant nightmares — the one that lights up a hearth in the cold of the longest winters in the lands, sharing blankets on the carpeted floor; one that rings laughter and padding feet on stone floors and expansive windows; one that has a father and a mother to cherish. She wants to burn down everything with her dragon’s flames so that everyone can feel the heavy, suffocating grips preventing her heart from breathing. She wants to claw her eyes out after hearing the remark that she has that lilac shade everyone keeps saying a certain prince holds, just as she carries the last name he is so proud of.

We are not the same. We are not the same. We are not the same. We are not the same—

And as she stares into the looking glass, all she can see is her father’s face.

There’s nowhere to hide from the truth.

AESIRA TARGARYEN is truly her father’s daughter — a piece of greatness and madness meshed into one.

AEGON TARGARYEN, the second of his name, is not the prince that was promised.

The weight of being the unnamed heir is too much for even the Skybearer to handle. He doesn’t want the moulded circlet of heavy stones simply because he knows he is the living embodiment of a disappointment — to his father who wistfully stares at the only piece his first wife left behind, to his mother who he stole a girlhood from, to his grandfather who had dreams bred out of greed and thirst for power, to everyone who dares glance at the king’s firstborn son with irises lined with disbelief. He doesn’t have to hear their words to know what they were thinking. This poor boy with wine for his blood and daring exhibitions for a daily schedule … is the most awaited son of The Peaceful King? The blasphemy is horrendous.

He is not the prince that was promised.

Because of how his father doted on his older sister even when the woman gave birth to two bastards and is pregnant with probably another one, he’s not the heir — Seven Hells, he’s not even the spare. A large part of him is whispering that it’s better this way. More time to inebriate and find himself in the places that he felt most comfortable with, where adventures welcome his insatiable need to discover. The thing about never being the apple of his father’s eye is that he can be free or as free as Mother and Grandfather allow him to be. It means he can marry for love (prays to the gods that he does; he can only think of one person anyway), and have spontaneous trips to the streets of King’s Landing with his closest friend — it means breathing through the littlest areas of his life. Yet a smaller (most likely better) part of himself dyes the roots of his static silver hair into the most melancholic shade of blue at the fact that it’s easy for Father to be this neglectful of his other children that don’t bear the name of his greatest delight. Everything he did, it was for Father. All of it to feel the sliver of pride he reserved in a waterfall for the loved child. 

He is not the prince that was promised.

It’s seen in the way Mother looks at him. He’s convinced she doesn’t love him. Mothers are supposed to love their children, people say; but not when you’re the reason why she has to accept the heaviness of reality. Her anger manifested the more he grew up. A single misstep is all it took for her to shout his name. All of the things he did (he tried learning a different language in the dead of the night, read the books recommended to him by the Septa, practised the sword until he perfected the right grip, tasted dirt in his mouth with how much he stumbled) but it will never be enough like his entire existence isn’t enough for her. And despite wishing she could love him more, he strayed even further to not feel the harsh sting of her rings, which resulted in Mother taking back the smallest amount of love she has for him.

He will never be the prince that was promised.

The first sip of alcohol, when he was a babe, cemented his dependency on his eleventh name day. The numbness, carefreeness, and the occurrence of fading into black that it brings is absolutely freeing. He’s the god of intoxication and the patron of exhilaration. Nobody can touch him.

Except for one.

His personal Maiden, the girl who sauntered in the Red Keep clutching her baby brother close to her chest, the beauty every beholder says is the image of salvation, the hands that he doesn’t mind cupping his face — the remembered princess of the realm. She is in every gasp of air he intakes; in the corners of the halls; in the whispers at the back of his head, urging him to look at her from the corner of his eyes as if she’s the secret the castle never tells; in the thoughts plaguing him; and in the dreams that paint different kinds of smiles on his lips. She always smells like the lemon candies her brother munches on, the pastels she wears are ingrained in his core memory; the books her hands have touched are extraordinary; the scrunch on her face, when she finds something borderline revolting in her walks across the castle, is beyond adorable; and the way her face lights up as she picks the next ugly insect that she will give to his own sister stuns him in place. Fuck him to the Sevel Hells and back, he’s consumed with her. It’s amazing how because of her, he is willing to change. Why consume all the cups in all the lands, when a single glance at her, he’s already under the influence of her existence? It’s a fact he only realised upon reaching a certain age.

One look at her and he sees himself being a better man and a better competitor for the throne.

She is a constant in his life.

AEGON TARGARYEN, the second of his name, is not the prince that was promised, oh, no.

But with his AESIRA by his side, it will be through his bloodline that this promised prince will breathe their first breath. 

And with all this chaos, there is you.

contents:

act zero: the prince and the siren

act one, chapter one: aesira and aether, aether and aesira

act one, chapter two: the red-bricked road

act one, chapter three: little boy gone

act one, chapter four: first, a dead wife; second, a dead mother

act one, chapter five: the birth of the golden

act one, chapter six: the queen of love and beauty

act one, chapter seven: ravens caw, dropping strings on smooth palms

act one, chapter eight: matters of the heart

act two, chapter one: the story has yet to be written ...

an aegon x oc story bc my love for what could have beens overpowered my need to enjoy my vacation <33

reply or send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist !! mwa

[viratsumiiii]

The promised neverland Headcanon dump:

don and Norman are really close and don likes to carry Norman around on his back when he gets tired !!

Norman let’s Phil use his spare computer to watch YouTube when Norman’s working !!

On days when the younger kids can’t sleep, they go to ray’s room and he hums them a lullaby or reads them a book and they all jsut sleep on the spare bed 🫶

Ray totally tried to distance himself from Norman and Emma as a kid so he wouldn’t get attached, ofc he did anyway.

Since Phil is really smart as shown in the series, he’s def the top student in his class and every time he aces a test Emma takes him to get icecream and hang out!!

so at the night of the escape Ray wore Norman’s sweater, Ik they all wore one but Norman wears his like ALL the time because he gets sick so easily and stuff, so he gave it to Ray before he got shipped and Ray wore it even if it’s kinda small on him!!

Barbara is totally a sister figure to Norman, and when the nightmares get bad he’ll hold her and let her vent to him whenever <33 (goes both ways)

The lambda kids are totally protective of Norman especially since him being the youngest and shortest!!!

Norman is totally like a whole ass ice cube like he’s always cold no matter what and Ray is like a fucking heater so when the two cuddle and sleep together (literally) Norman clings into Ray bec he’s warm and Norman balances out ray’s warmth so they work so well together!!!

Since Ray stays up late, he comes to check up on Norman when he sleeps and gives him a cheek kiss everytime he checks up on him, and whenever he sees normans blanket falling from his bed he puts it back on his bed and he wraps Norman in his blanket so he won't get cold. (My friends hc)

ok so since Ray is like a fucking heater whenever it’s winter and Norman gets cold at night he sneaks into rays room and climbs in bed with him, if Ray wakes up and asks why Norman says it’s because of a nightmare (ray totally saw through it but he thinks it’s cute soo)

Ray totally loves showering Norman’s face with kisses constantly because Norman is extremely ticklish and stuff and so when he does Norman laughs n smiles at the ticklish feeling and Ray finds it fucking adorable

When they saw Norman again, (after being shipped) it took a couple days but Norman finally told Ray about the experiments, Ray comforted him and when he comforts Norman, he runs his fingers through his hair n like pets it bec Norman finds it comforting

Norman loves braiding hair, and since he didn’t cut his hair since Lambda , he has about upper back length hair, so he teaches Ray to braid hair and the two spend all day braiding eachother’s hair

Don and Gilda r like the most innocent couple ever they’re so wholesome and so adorable BUT Don is fucking terrified of her when she’s angry I mean you saw when she yelled at Emma

Don and Gilda r totally the parental couple they act like a married couple and like it’s adorabke (don totally proposed when they were like 5-6 with a ring pop.)

small sad lil hc, but when Norman and Ray argue the two can say some pretty hurtful things, but if the argument was especially bad, Ray would say some mean fucking things, he once said “you should’ve gotten shipped, not sent to Lambda.” (in one previous argument, Norman said he was just like Isabella)

so Gilda is like great at cooking n shit, don can cook but it doesn’t look edible so when he cooks she’ll plate it too look nice n edible

don seems like the type to catch her off guard with lil kisses

Phil is so fucking adorable and Anna def let’s him play with her hair 🫶

once everyone reached the human world, Gilda ran a fashion business and design shop because of her love for fashion and Don probably ran like a fuckin dojo with those punching skills 💀 but anyways !! She definitely makes the designs and stuff for his dojo <3

when they were 5-6 Don proposed to Gilda with a ring pop, years later when they get married at 21 don brings it up in his vow and says “I proposed to you once already, and you accepted, so you’ve already been my wife for 16 years”

I feel like Norman would give Ray paper rings and Ray would think it’s just for fun but years later when they get married n shit Norman says he was being Fr but Ray never said anything (ray proposed when they got married.)

everytime Gilda comes home from work and Don is already home,he comes up and hugs her n picks her up and starts like pampering her especially if she’s stressed

Don is sometimes stressed and since he works at a dojo he works until his hands are bare, beaten and raw so when he comes home all beat up and injured, Gilda fusses over him, treats his wounds, makes him dinner n washes his hair <333

I feel like when Norman first came back from Lambda after they reached the human world, he wouldn’t sleep bec of the nightmares and Ray picked up on it form the eye bags and excessive amounts of coffee so he hugs Norman and hums until Norman falls asleep

When Norman first found out about Ray being a traitor, he definitely questioned everything including their relationship. So they argued and Norman thought ray didn’t love him and was only lying, but Ray genuinely loved him and was also trying to protect him, eventually Ray made it up to Norman n Norman believed him.

Since Gilda has semi long/short hair, sometimes her arms are so tired from sewing and designing so Don washes her hair for her <33

Gilda adores when don wears clothes she makes and he’s def her model for advertisements

Gilda will steal don’s hoodies on a really cold day since Don wears really thick hoodies

Phil is like don and Gilda’s kid he definitely calls them mom n dad

If don ever got jealous he’d definitely get a little aggressive and would apologize to Gilda after and give her gifts and run a warm bath for her

If Gilda gets jealous she handles it a bit more logically since she trusts him, but talks to him about it even if it’s embarrassing (she definitely cried at least once)

Don’s love languages are gifts and giving gifts but also words of affirmation, Gilda loves physical affection and gifts and words of affirmation but also acts of service

Norman can definitely get clingy on days and Ray finds it absolutely adorable BUTTT ray also gets clingy on some days but it’s a whole new level of clingy like- Norman will not be allowed to leave the bed and since Ray is physically stronger bec of Norman’s weak body and strength he has to coax Ray into letting him out the bed or ray will hug him from behind as Norman cooks breakfast and yes Norman is shorter

Bec of the height difference between Gilda and Don, Don can easily pick her up and carry her around so if she’s on her period and gets cramps or anything he’ll carry her around bridal style, get her a heating pad, heating blanket, chocolate and various snacks and put her in the bed with various soft pillows around and they’ll just cuddle and watch tv as he like rubs her stomach or wherever her cramps are

Ray is a raging bisexual !!

whenever Ray gets jealous he’s totally clingy and like very mean to whoever he’s jealous of but with Norman he’s just like there he doesn’t say anything so when he comes back home where they live (everyone) he’ll immediately go to Gilda’s room because him, don, and Gilda are definitely besties and are like super close so since he has long hair Gilda will style it and he’ll talk to them about it while they bully whoever he was jealous of 🫶 ( ofc he talks to Ray about it)

Phil is honestly so smart so whenever he fails a test (rare) he feels so bad n always cries thinking Norman and stuff will yell at him but then Gilda and don come and cooks him food, Emma comforts him, Norman helps him improve, Ray helps him improve, Isabella comforts him and helps cook too and everyone else helps cheer Phil up and they don’t yell at him for failing, they handle it correctly and help him improve and get better so he can do better next time

Norman’s love language is physical affection, words of affirmation and acts of service whilst Ray’s is physical affection, gifts, and acts of service!!

Ray loves calling Norman “snow white” and “snowflake” while Norman calls him “love” and “starlight” !!

Gilda calls don “hun” and “love” and don calls her “darling” and “my love”

Aroace Emma!!

—-

[magnificentcenturyfics]

Remembering Gübahar, part 1/2 - Circassian Beauty

Description: Mahidevran's backstory, as headcanoned by me. Featuring OCs and period typical attitudes so fair warning.

***

„Where are you from, anyway?“

Mahidevran has never been asked that, and she doubted any other sultana ever was. Women from high status families didn’t care, and elevated slaves such as herself knew better than to talk about certain things; for them, in silence was the solidarity. Only in the darkest of nights and trough the quietest of whispers, when as almost children they had to face their demons in the impersonal space of communal bedrooms, they dared to speak about it, and they did so with the utmost reverence and care for the then still fresh scars in their hearts – it was important that while they touch them, the stitches do not come off. It figures that Gabriella de Sfeo, who knew neither fear nor shame and who was so familiar with their society, yet understood so little of it at the same time, would be the first person she’d hear the question from.

   Mahidevran thus answered with only a practiced smile. „Ah, does it even matter, signora?“ Gabriela raised an eyebrow, unmoved by Mahidevran’s attempt to placate her curiosity. „It doesn’t, which is why I find it all the more strange that you’d be reluctant to tell me, sultana.“ „Oh, I am not!“ Mahidevran exclaimed, trying desperately to not sound defensive. „It’s just... Well, I need to talk to you about something else entirely, and now you are asking me to tell you some long-winded story, of which half I do not even remember, to tell the truth...“ „Oh, I do not need the whole story, sultana! Simply tell me, where you were born and of what nation.“ Mahidevran’s distaste for her curiosity (which must’ve been visible on her face) seemed to only feed it. „Surely, you must’ve shared this amusing little fact with other women of your station, have you not?“ Mahidevran pursed her lips together. Maybe it was just her imagination, but Gabriela sounded almost... Accusatory. „I do not keep any secrets from you, signora, or anyone else. I came from this palace, where my son was born and where His Majesty graced me with his love and care. Anything else, which might’ve come before, is irrelevant.“ Gabriela only smiled. „And yet...“ „Yet what?!“ „You are not willing to divulge such a pitiful nothing of an information in a casual conversation.“ Mahidevran raised her voice. „Signora de Sfeo, I value our friendship, and it deeply saddens me that you are apparently willing to sacrifice it for your own nosiness...“ „Nosiness?“ Gabriela chuckled. „Alright, then. I appologize, sultana, if in my question I might’ve been forcing you to reveal something shameful...“ „My past is not shameful, signora!“ said Mahidevran harshly. „I don’t know what kind of scandal you imagine me hiding about my younger years, but rest assured, they were perfectly ordinary and no different from any other woman here-“

   She cut her impassionate refute of Gabriela’s assertions in the middle, because despite her best efforts, signora made her admit things she didn’t put into words even in her head for all of those years. As a result, she was in such foul mood she needed to end her meeting with signora as soon as possible and order a glass of boza, which she had not drunk since she first got pregnant and elevated over her peers. If she was going to wrestle with unbidden memories called upon by her declaration, she might as well do so with a spot of something nostalgic, so to speak.

   It was perhaps for the best that she had no memmories of Circassia. She knew girls who remembered their homelands, even at the house of Zahide hanim, who raised most of her slaves just like she did Mahidevran. It wasn’t pretty, watching them when they first came; the lucky ones only cried a lot, especially at night, some also woke from nightmares, but it wasn’t rare for them to be... Broken, in one way or another. To not speak, or to only speak rarely and in that strange heavy monotone that she imagined rocks would have if they could speak. Or, on the contrary, to live in a constant state of panic, suspicious towards everyone and everything new, slow to trust and quick to attack (on the receiving end of these Mahidevran had found herself more often than she can count). One of her teachers seemed almost normal, except for the fact that she was obsessed with the idea of her or her surroundings catching fire, so she unlit every candle or fireplace that she could, making them shiver in their clasrooms and go to bed much sooner than even Zahide hanim ordered – and God forbid one of them didn’t do the same! They called that woman insane behind her back, and she might very well have been, but then, at least she had some company in that in Zahide hanim’s household. Of course, the woman had been a slave for years at that point, and most girls she met recovered much sooner... Eventually, Zahide hanim found her hysterics tiresome and had her sold away, never to be seen again. The woman seemed sad, but not as much as Mahidevran would expect; then again, for her, leaving Zahide hanim was at that time completely unimaginable, and all in all the worst thing that can happen to her, up to and including death.

   Mahidevran grew up as an orphan. She did not know if she in fact was one – it’s possible that somewhere in those massive green mountains Mahidevran’s mother or father still cried for her even after four decades, miraculously surviving whatever act of brutal violence led to her enslavement and living the rest of their life in mourning. That thought used to bother her once, when she was still small and trying to reconcile the theoretical concept of a normal family with the fact that she only had a mistress and fellow pupils. Her head back then was full of fantasies, about that place she knew little of and people who might not even be in the realm of the living anymore. With Zahide, she was always unsure of whether she could tell her about something so silly, but luckily when her fellow orphan Gevheri asked her mistress about their origin, she was rather understanding. Zahide patiently explained that she herself did not know anything about where they came from, except for the location; the man who sold them said no more than „this girl is named thus and is of that nation“, and that was, allegedly, for the best. After all, were they really convinced that learning of the home they did not have anymore and family they could not possibly ever come home to would make them feel better in any way? Nevertheless, she was then kind enough to tell them their names and places of origin – and so Mahidevran knew her parents, whoever they were, named her Sataney after a pagan goddess, information interesting enough to retain, but otherwise rather useless. Only much later, when she was sent to the palace of şehzade Süleyman, did she learn more. Upset at leaving the only home she had known, Mahidevran talked back to Zahide in a manner she never dared to before, leaving her mistress to lose her patience and scream at her the words Mahidevran never forgot.

„I am a daughter of a sultana, and you – who are you?! Some peasant girl from a burned village, taken as a war prize by a barbarian prince from the mountains, for whom serving my food and fetching my slippers is the best fate that might’ve befallen you...“

   Mahidevran did not know if it was something Zahide knew with any certainty, or if she just speculated based off of the fact that this was where most of the famous „Circassian beauties“ came from. Much later, as the mother of beloved şehzade Mustafa, she heard people spreading rumors about her having royal blood in her veins, but she was quite sure that wasn’t the case. If the slavers got their hands on an actual princess, they would mention it – after all, think of the price they could ask for such a girl...! Besides, the odds weren’t in her favour in this case. There was only so many princesses in Circassia, and peasant girls must‘ve outnumbered them greatly. No, Mahidevran sultan was no Ayşe Hafsa, she could not place herself above every other woman in the harem on her origins alone. But that is not to say she wasn’t better than them in some regards.

   Zahide hanim had planned out the education of her subjects to the smallest details. Cared for by the best teachers she could find amongst the eunuchs and slave women of Istanbul, Mahidevran and several other girls were schooled in good manners, rhetoric, religion, literature, Persian and Arabic languages, embroidery, music and dancing, as well as receiving some limited instruction in mathematics, history and philosophy. Admittedly, Mahidevran was never good in any of it, frustrating teachers with her slow and reluctant adoption of any „serious“ subject, and only ever truly excelling in the art of embroidery. But she was not completely immune to the effects of rigorous education she received at Zahide hanim’s household – unlike Hürrem, she at least never had any trouble keeping up with the ladies of high breeding, even if she could not measure up to the likes of Şah sultan or Ibrahim pasha. At any rate, she wasn’t top of the class by any means, and she didn’t manage to distinguish herself outside of classroom either.

   At any given moment, Zahide hanim cared for about a dozen slave girls of various ages, the relations between whom were always rather precarious. In their small, closed off collective, every friend was the dearest, most beloved person in the world (except for their mistress, of course), but every foe was in turn one more reason to despise even being alive. They could not torment each other openly, of course – not only for the fear of punishment, but also because the conscience of even the worst of them would not allow such severe transgression against their mistress. Instead, they attacked their foes only with more moderate weapons, but that much more relentlessly; Mahidevran spent her entire youth under the barrage of insults, petty pranks and small injustices, inflicting them in turn whenever she could. Unfortunately, she lacked inventiveness or quick wit, so she wasn’t any good in this kind of quiet warfare, which led to her relying on either inflicting physical violence on her foes (a difficult task for someone as small and unintimidating) she would then do her best to conceal or friendships with girls smarter than her. She got lucky in this regard: being naturally withdrawn, she never had many friends, but she managed to arouse the feelings of protectiveness in an older girl named Ümmülgülsüm, big, burly Greek known as the self-appointed peacekeeper of their group. Much like Mahidevran, she wasn’t good at any of the school subjects with the sole exception of embroidery, which (or so Mahidevran suspected) made her see herself in little Mahidevran; however, unlike her, Ümmülgülsüm was quite good at exerting authority over the other girls thanks to her size, common wisdom and dignified demeanor. Being her favourite was often the only thing standing between Mahidevran and relentless bullying, so naturally she had grown quite attached to Ümmülgülsüm. She stayed longer than any of her peers, too, which was lucky, because Mahidevran could not even imagine spending even part of her early youth relying only on herself.

   Even so, nothing lasts forever, and Ümmülgülsüm left when she was eighteen and Mahidevran herself only twelve. It happened so suddenly – one morning, an overseerer told Ümmülgülsüm to pack her things and then wait in Zahide hanim’s chambers. Once she left their common room to see their mistress, she only came back to say goodbye, explaning in a hurry that she was sold to pasha so-and-so and that they may not see her again. Mahidevran could not stop crying the rest of the day, no matter how much the overseerer tried to assure her what happened to Ümmülgülsüm will happen to every one of them eventually, and that it’s only for the best that she has gone off to do what she was always raised for: keeping company to men of high standing. Mahidevran remembered her old friend after giving birth to Mustafa, and so used the modicum of power given to her by this fortunate event for ordering aghas to locate Ümmülgülsüm at pasha’s household. It turned out that the elderly pasha has kept her as a concubine, a duty which she loathed with every fiber of her being, but luckily his failing health soon barred him from this kind of entertainment, relegating Ümmülgülsüm to a mere servant of pasha’s eldest daughter – an all around better mistress than him, if Ümmülgülsüm was to be believed. Alas, her lowly possition meant that she wasn’t able to maintain regular contact with Mahidevran, but at least her old protector was content with where she ended up.

   Regardless, Ümmülgülsüm’s sudden departure left a profound impact on Mahidevran. It was probably the first time she really thought of how fickle the fate is, and what that word even means. Fate, she realized soon, weren’t just the whims of nature, her own body or the supernatural, no; her fellow human beings could be the fate, if they are powerful enough. Questioning, for example, Zahide hanim, was just as futile and borderline blasphemous as questioning Allah above. Or that was what she told herself – really, the only alternative was to blame Zahide hanim, perish the thought. Unlike Hürrem, Mahidevran wasn’t defiant by nature, and with the exception of a few cases, such as the aforementioned incident around her departure, she had only ever shown perfect obedience towards Zahide hanim; a fact which, admittedly, might’ve surprised anyone who had known her in the Manisa palace.

   She was around eighteen when they were rounded up on Zahide’s orders in a courtyard, where they were visited by a burly older woman, who, as Mahidevran thought upon first seeing her, had a somewhat frog-like face. From her dress, Mahidevran could immediately tell she isn’t particullarly wealthy or important herself – this confused her at first, since how could someone ordinary even afford Zahide’s girls, who, as they were themselves told, meant for the most elite of households? And yet, there the woman was, eyeing them all critically and with a rather obvious intent of taking one of them away. Before she said a word, Mahidevran realized the woman must’ve been an attendant, sent by someone else, either because they weren’t able to come, or because they were too important to bother with such things. Nevertheless, she would never have guessed the identity of the woman’s mistress, since it was one of those things one would be too bold to even dream about, and Mahidevran was never much of a dreamer anyhow.

   The woman looked less than impressed by them – and sounded so too. „Is this everything you have?“ Zahide hanim pursed her lips together. „Daye hatun, I know there aren’t many of them...“ „I was talking more about their quality than quantity, hanim.“ That hurt, though Mahidevran told herself that perhaps it wasn’t that the years of being told how beautiful, well-educated and all around exceptional they are were all lies; after all, what if the woman was just of an exceptionally curmogeonly character? (It was only later, when she was charged with buying slaves or really anything expensive herself that she realized talking cargo down was a standard practice for savvy buyers.) „I know they don’t seem like much compared to other girls dressed up to the nines by their owners, but consider, I only let them parade around you in such simple getup because I would not dare deceive you with makeup and jewelry into believing they are more beautiful than they are...“ The woman remained absolutely deadpan. „I do not think it’s the way they are dressed, hanim.“ Zahide hanim raised her eyebrows. „You do not consider them good enough? Well, that is unfortunate, but I suppose I cannot change what your eyes see. Shall I bid you farewell, then?“ Daye’s smile was slight, but still notable on her previously less than amused face. „Well, I suppose some of them are at least acceptable.“ She scaned them quickly with her gaze, then pointed to Mahidevran and two other girls. „Take those three to the hammam. I need to see... More of them, if you understand me. Just so I can be assured they are healthy and... Well, an all around quality material.“

   Mahidevran shivered at the thought of standing naked in front of the woman’s cold amphibian eyes. One of the other girls, Neslihan, outright defied the order and made a scene. The good news was, she didn’t have to stand naked in front of the old woman, but the whipping she was punished with was so brutal it hardly seemed worth it; really, even not knowing what she knew now about the strange woman’s identity, Mahidevran would still prefer standing naked in front of her for a few seconds than suffering so much pain she’d vomit. Mahidevran actually liked the spirited girl somewhat, so when she later visited Neslihan in the sickbay to make sure she’s well, she didn’t dare mention the opportunity the girl passed over by her defiance – though she must’ve found eventually. It was one of the cruelest punishments she had seen Zahide mete out, and though she could understand somewhat her anger and need to look tough in front of the representative of Ayşe Hafsa herself, she was still disturbed by the sight of Neslihan’s utterly butchered back. She suspected that might’ve contributed to her later outburst, which caused her to part with her beloved mistress on bad terms.

   Regardless, back in the baths, after looking around their bodies with a cold, clinical gaze, Daye proclaimed. „Ah, to hell with it. Let me take them both. What are they called, anyway?“ „The skinny one is Gülbahar, the other one Gülruh.“ answered Zahide. „So, two roses, then?“ noted Daye with a humorless smile. Then she turned towards them. „I know it might not seem that way, but this is the luckiest day of your life. Get dressed and then pack your things. You’re joining the household of şehzade Süleyman.“    Mahidevran almost fainted at the information. However, she overcame her dizziness and shaking feet, when the older woman saw her distress and propped Mahidevran up by her own shoulder. „Pull yourself together, girl. Where are you from?“ „Circassia, mylady...“ „One would think you of stronger stuff, considering you were born in the mountain air.“

   Just like Ümmülgülsüm, she was given only a short time to pack her bags and say her farewells. Though her mind was aware that, just like Daye said, she indeed got very lucky, she certainly didn’t feel it that way. Instead, she was grieving losing almost all of her friends, but also fearing disappointment – from her own side, if service in the royal household wouldn’t be as glamorous as she imagined it to be in the past, but more importantly also from the side of her new masters. After all, it would be bad enough to embarass herself in front of any high-born lady or gentleman, but sultan’s wife and eldest son...? She then briefly visited Neslihan, and as one negative emotion built upon another, it only took Zahide hurrying her up without any patience or understanding for Mahidevran to lose her temper. Mahidevran didn’t suffer any real consequences for it, as she left soon after, but she never forgave herself for the fact that this was the farewell she had given to the woman who raised her in her own household, perhaps not as her own daughter, but certainly not without affection. Or so Mahidevran chose to believe, as sometimes she had to argue over this point with a small voice in her head that doubted her most sincerely held beliefs. She suspected most people have such a voice in their head; perhaps it is the devil speaking, as Ayşe Hafsa once told her, but more likely it is just their reason overdoing it sometimes. After all, there is no sin in doubt, only in succumbing to it.

   Road to the royal palace in Manisa was rather short – around an hour in the carriage, certainly not enough for Daye to provide them with a comprehensive lesson on palace etiquette, much as she tried. She told them it would be a few months untill they could properly serve şehzade and his mother; in the meantime, their lot was to live amongst other low-ranking servant girls, doing chores, fulfilling small tasks and attending some lessons. Daye was andamant that they do not think themselves better than the other girls just because they have a guaranteed spot in sultana’s vicinity, and should she catch them causing unnecessary ruckus, the best they could hope for is losing that spot. Mahidevran’s heart sunk with every minute she spent in Daye’s company. It was one thing to leave the only home and almost all of the people she had known, but to exchange one mistress whom she loved dearly for this frog-faced harridan? (In hindsight, she considered her judgement of the venerable Daye hatun almost amusing in its wrongness and inappropriateness, though in fairness, she could not have known better.) Her first meeting with Ayşe Hafsa didn’t fill her with much hope either – the old woman took one look at the young women brought in front of her and apathetically ordered Daye to show them their rooms. Only later did she learn that valide just arrived in Manisa in the aftermath of her husband’s ascencion and after the bloodshed that followed, she wasn’t inclined to concern herself with the day-to-day running of the household. Nonetheless, at the end of the day, as she and Gülruh walked the gauntlet of curious slave girls to the common sleeping area, their meager belongings in hand, Mahidevran didn’t feel much optimism about her future.

   At first, it seemed to have been warranted. The girls around her regarded her and Gülruh with curiosity, as unlike most of them, they didn’t come directly from the market, but were bred for service – a fate which the girls enslaved later in life could barely fathom. At every meal, they bombarded both newcomers with questions, which made Mahidevran profoundly uncomfortable. On the other hand, Gülruh answered them much more readily, soon earning her quite a lot of friends and immensely helping her adjust to their new home. This aroused jealousy in Mahidevran, which only made those first few months that much more bitter. Thus alienated from the only person she truly knew in this unfamiliar enviroment, she turned towards other outcasts of the palace, the chief among them a put-upon servant named Gülşah.

   She first stood out to Mahidevran by being somewhat more pudgy than most of the other girls, as well as by the fact that the rest of them acted as if she was disseased. When she once asked Gülruh about her during a meal, her old aquitance laughed. „Gülşah? Allah, don’t come close to that one. She was sent away from Topkapi as a punishment for constantly getting into fights, and even here noone likes her. If the girls saw you two together...“ ...they would’ve left me alone, she finished that sentence in her head.

   It was a spur-of-the moment decision, really. Gülruh barely moved another spoon of pilav to her mouth when Mahidevran got up from her seat and resolutely sat by Gülşah’s table. This move surprised her new companion so much that the only reaction she managed was a confused stare. Mahidevran for her part enjoyed having a silent companion at first, untill Gülşah broke the silence. „You’re the new one?“ Mahidevran didn’t react at first, slowly realizing she had no plan how to proceed with her new aquitance. She only nodded her head and tried to focus on her meal, hoping the situation settles itself somehow. Gülşah seemed slightly hostile, her anger dampened by the pleasant surprise of finally having someone at her side. „What are you doing at my table?!“ „Why? Do you want me to leave?“ Gülşah slowly blinked. „No, I mean... Why me? Why sit here, at this place?“ Mahidevran only shrugged. „You’re quiet. Everyone has been so annoying since I came here, I hoped that maybe you are different...?“ „I guess I am, but...“ Her eyes trailed across the room. „That’s because noone wants to talk to me out there.“ „Why?“ She seemed upset by that question. „The hell if I know. Ask them.“ „I already did.“ After a moment of silence, even more awkward than the first, Mahidevran tried her best to break it. „They say you used to serve at the palace of sultan himself.“ „And? All of the other girls did too. Well, I mean there’s that bitch Yasemin and her friends, who already served the prince in Kaffa... And Gülfem, if she comes back from Istanbul.“ „Why? What does she do there?“ „Sleeps with şehzade, probably.“ she shrugged. „If he still wants her, that is.“ „Why wouldn’t he?“ „I mean, they’ve been together since Kaffa, maybe he’s tired of her or something. I don’t know, and honestly I don’t care about that kind of stupid gossip. I am not his concubine, and never will be.“ „Why are you so certain of it? I think you’re actually quite pretty.“ Gülşah’s eyes widened and cheeks turned light crimson. „Uh... Thank you.“ She drank from the glass of water near her plate, collecting herself. „But you’re probably the only person who thinks that. Everyone else calls me an owl and teases me constantly. Well, at least they used to – I... I made them stop.“

Only later did Mahidevran learn that Gülşah knows the other girls continue laughing at her in secret, she just didn’t care. If she couldn’t have any kind of respect, she was aiming for at least a small amount of fear; just enough that noone dared say anything to her face.

   From their first conversation, Mahidevran felt a strange draw towards the other girl. She could not properly explain it back then, aside from the fact that, as unpleasant as Gülşah could be, the hate towards her was nonetheless disproportionate. But when Gülruh asked why it must be Mahidevran herself who compensates for this unjust treatment, she had no proper answer. Her old aquitance must’ve thought her mad, to cling so closely to the one so hated by everyone else, even if Gülruh never said it out loud and most certainly didn’t leave Mahidevran’s side because of it (by then, Gülruh’s popularity was such that even association with Mahidevran couldn’t have undermined it). In hindsight, Mahidevran became certain that her inexplicable affection for her might’ve had something to do with the memmories of Ümmülgülsüm, which Gülşah aroused in Mahidevran despite having very little in common with her old friend. To put it simply, Mahidevran might’ve felt that it was time to pass on the protection she received and become a protector herself. A lookback at those times also revealed that she shouldn’t have bothered, but how was she to know Gülşah’s true nature back then? In day-to-day interactions, Gülşah didn’t seem all that bad – perhaps a little slow, and clinging to her only friend with a bothersome tenacity, but nonetheless surprisingly kind and caring. She shared Mahidevran’s passion for embroidery, and they had many a pleasant conversation in the corner with their threads and needles in hand. Finally accompanied by people who knew their way around the palace, Mahidevran started to get used to her new home; after all, in principle it was hardly that much different from the old one, up to its surpringly small size (harem in Manisa back then was staffed by never more than twenty women and ten aghas, and even now held only slightly more people).

   A few weeks into her stay in Manisa, şehzade Süleyman returned. Mahidevran barely saw him at first, since even during their rare encounters, she had to avert her gaze – besides, being young, naive and under the influence of tall tales during which maidens fall for handsome youths (as well as youths for maidens) at a mere glance, she was affraid of looking at a man who will likely never be hers for long. She tried not to think of him, to supress the myriad of questions she had about the master of not only this household, but soon the entire empire, and in this Gülşah was actually very helpful. Always aware of her supposedly plain looks (even if Mahidevran herself wouldn’t judge her so harshly), she didn’t dream about becoming a concubine, and several forgotten one-night women in harems of both Süleyman and his father only strenghtened her convinction that sultan’s bed simply isn’t worth fighting for. She seemed quite ambivalent about şehzade himself, too; when asked about him, she just shrugged. „He has beautiful eyes, I suppose.“ Then and especially now, Mahidevran found a certain kind of wisdom in Gülşah’s sober attitude towards the fate of concubines. Nonetheless, just like many girls around her, she could not help but look with immense jealousy at Gülfem and the newborn prince Murat she brought from Topkapi. Bearing a prince, after all, was the most women like them could strive for, and even besides that, the baby was the most loveable little thing Mahidevran had ever seen (presumably because she didn’t have to change its nappies and listen to its cries deep in the night). It was then that she slowly started to wonder what it would be like, to know a man and have a child of her own? The thoughts of this kind crept at her mind steadily, with Mahidevran herself fighting them at every turn, but she could never banish them for good.

   Eventually, as she and Gülruh properly started service in the entourage of Ayşe Hafsa, she got her first good look at şehzade Süleyman – and she was almost instantly smitten. Gülşah’s comment about his eyes was appropriate, yet somehow she forgot to also mention his elegant, yet manly profile, charming, approachable smile and tall figure, which was also decently built, though she didn’t have the pleasure to see it for herself untill later. As a servant of Ayşe Hafsa, Mahidevran was in Süleyman’s vicinity quite often, and was able to observe him quite closely, although he didn’t notice her at all. There was a strange kind of one-sided intimacy between them, as Mahidevran soon recognized all of Süleyman’s quirks and little ticks, whereas she was a non-entity for him. She also became somewhat knowledgeable when it came to his habits and personality.

   Şehzade Süleyman was a bright and lively youth, whose duties as governor couldn’t truly exhaust his endless supply of energy. Whenever the oportunity arose, he participated in more ambitious projects than was usual for a sanjakbey, which left his mother greatly concerned, as she knew her husband’s temper and soon realized Süleyman’s activities were seen as threatening by the paranoid old sultan. Süleyman once bitterly compared his father to the ancient pagan god Kronos, who, having deposed his own father Uranos, swallowed all of his children soon after birth so they would not do the same to him. Of course, his fear may or may not have been justified given that his wife managed to save his youngest son and, just as the old man feared, Kronos was cast down by his own son. Though Süleyman didn’t have the same intentions, he must’ve known that this comparison was unintentionally self-flattering; after all, in this story, he paralelled none other than Zeus, the king of gods and patron god of kings. Süleyman certainly dreamed of greatness – he strived to be not only a great conqueror like his father, but an arbiter of law and culture for centuries to come. Not having the oportunity to influence either much, Süleyman instead simply worked as hard as he could, and when he ran out of work, he instead took to writing poetry and surrounding himself with books and scholars.

   Süleyman also loved hunting, just like Mustafa, and indeed also became overly fond of his hunting companion, just like his eldest son seemed now. Of course, that was a bit unjust comparison – Taşlicali, for all of his inarguable literary talent, was as humble as he was dense, while Ibrahim even as a simple falconer lacked neither pride nor intelligence. Then again, the same could be said about their masters. In any case, Süleyman’s deep friendship with the young servant, together with his relative disinterest in women, created some truly vile rumors, of course only whispered quietly among the slave girls whenever their superiors were far away. After all, when Gülfem bore him a son, he lost all interest in women of the harem, and around this time he also brought Ibrahim from one of his hunts (cue the jokes about him „catching a fine stag“). Ayşe Hafsa probably didn’t know about these rumors, or else their perpetrators would suffer with their lives, but at the very least, she wasn’t satisfied with the future of the dynasty hinging on a single child. She reminded Süleyman of his duty to sire healthy sons as often as possible, but he didn’t seem very receptive; in fact, the more insistent she was, the more time Süleyman spend with everyone and everything else but harem concubines. If Mahidevran were to guess now, she would say he simply found mere intercourse unexciting and always needed more than a beautiful young body to arouse his senses. Süleyman craved emotions. Süleyman craved stories. Süleyman craved drama. And though Mahidevran didn’t know it yet, she was about to provide him with everything he wanted and more.

[harrison-abbott]

Foyle

A group of folk had broken into Foyle’s car one night and maybe they intended to steal it at first. But, they couldn’t; so they torched it instead. Foyle heard the explosion. He was sleeping next to his wife and she heard it too: both waking up at the same time. And they both looked at each other with wide eyes in the dark. She and Foyle hadn’t been getting on particularly well of late, and it was comforting, in a way, to see her scared. Foyle put his coat on and went downstairs to the kitchen which looked on to the driveway. At the end of that was the burning car. When Foyle first heard the blast it made him think of the word WAR. There was a sensationalism to the flames that made him feel quite unlike himself. First world problems such as issues with his marriage: they didn’t seem to matter when he watched the smoke purge out of what used to be his car. ///// Foyle called the police. They dealt with the legal stuff. At one point they asked Foyle whether he had any “enemies”? He’d never been asked this before. And he wasn’t sure how to answer; because there were a string of ex friends whom he would never speak to anymore. And one of them used to come around here, to the house, a lot when they were younger. Hmm, but, to the officers, he just replied “No.” ///// Later on he would bring up this subject with his wife. “Hey, do you remember when the officer asked me if I thought I had any enemies?” – “Yeah.” – “What do you think about that?” – “Well. Do you?” She was the one now looking concerned. “I can’t think of anybody that would have that much malice for me,” Foyle said. He wanted her to say something comforting but all she did was sipped at her cup of tea. ///// Inside the car had been a favourite tennis racket of his; an old cardigan that had belonged to his father; and a signed photo of his favourite soccer player which he kept as a kind of mascot. All those things were now incinerated. ///// The police were never able to locate the suspects. Foyle’s house was in the suburbs. Big house, long leafy driveway. They reckoned it must’ve been young men who were horsing about. There weren’t any cameras in the vicinity; very little they could do about it. ///// A couple of nights later, after the wrecked car had been towed away, Foyle had a dream. He dreamt that he was on a battlefield. He had a uniform, and a rifle, and was running over this gnarly blackened land. Bombs were spurting earth off the floor all around him. And when he looked back, he could see all of these other men, in different uniforms, who were chasing him. They were faster than he was. And from what he could see, there weren’t any other soldiers on his side: he was the only one wearing his colours. He began yelling. Because the soldiers were gaining on him quick. They fired their guns. He shrieked louder and louder … and then the whole dream switched to confused blankness. His wife was batting his shoulder. “What’s wrong with you?” she whispered. “What are you doing?” He realised where he was. “Oh,” he said. “I was having a nightmare.” She looked cross that he’d woken her up, and she turned her face the other way. Foyle drank some water. He figured he would most likely break up with his wife, one day. But for now he focused on getting back to sleep.

[dzpenumbra]

7/25/23

A bit late tonight. I am pleased to say I slept very well. I am not happy to say I had very disturbing dreams.

Dreams of my family, and my family's home. A lot of very "acid-trip" surreal imagery. I swear, sometimes the only real difference between a weed-freakout, a severe panic attack and a bad nightmare is the... physical sensations and visceral emotions. I don't really feel like I get them in dreams so much. I get them after I wake up, absolutely. The racing heart, adrenaline coursing through your veins, that kinda shock to the system. But I don't know if I really feel that while I'm dreaming, while I'm still asleep. I don't know, maybe I do and I just haven't had one of those nightmares in a while. Guess I can count myself lucky that I don't even remember.

This dream was a bit more disturbing in hindsight by how... normalized all of the disturbing imagery was. Having my younger brother completely ignore most of what I'm saying to him, regardless of the context. Being looked at with constant suspicion and scrutiny. I had just... grown so fucking accustomed to being treated that way. Even from my little brother, who is supposed to like... look up to me. And for what reason? Fuck if I know. Because I have differing thoughts, ideas and opinions from my parents. Go figure.

The whole goal of the dream from what I could remember was... I was with a very beautiful woman, who was clearly my to-be partner in the dream. Though... she was wearing bold red lipstick which I really am not a fan of. But I kinda just looked past it. The goal was to shower with her, which for me is much less of a sexual act than a romantic one. One of very close bonding. My very few shared shower memories are all very fun, playful, close, intimate conversations. So really... the goal, in a nutshell... though it may appear to others and would most likely be read by most interpreters very directly as a sexual goal... is pretty far from that for me specifically. The goal is clearly deep, meaningful human connection; specifically comfort and bonding with another while being vulnerable. And every other person in the dream was very clearly the antithesis of this. Very distant, cold, skeptical, alienating, walls-up.

The other figure was my mom. This came up after me and my "partner" went to the downstairs bathroom, the one I used to shower in high school because the shower closest to my bedroom broke and my parents never even tried to get it fixed. When I went in there, I saw her two dogs... but they took the form of lions. Very sickly, emaciated skeletons of lions. I wasn't even remotely scared of them, I was just... deeply sad. I just got out of their way as they lumbered by. And that's really the metaphor. When you get a "guard dog" and forget that it's a living being with feelings and emotions and bonds... and you neglect them for extended periods of time... you can get a mixed bag of results. (Just like if you do that to people...) With these poor souls, they were no threat to anyone. They were barely fed. And they were lying in a bathroom covered in shit. Like this bathroom had become their cave, their hiding spot.

The partner figure and I started to clean the shit off the floor. I went out of the bathroom and ran into my mom, who was acting like this was completely normal. As usual. Bless her heart, if there's one thing I could give that woman, it would be courage. Shame you can't just give that to people. I was looking for paper towels to clean. She very casually warned me about a certain type of shit in the bathroom, very vaguely too... and then went about her business. I remember on the table there was a like... 8" diameter section of a log... it looked like a red pine kinda... which doesn't grow in that area, but I did find at the National Park nearby, all the bark looks like puzzle pieces, it's very oddly beautiful. This one had what looked like maple seeds growing out of it, it was a really odd combination of beautiful and... disturbing. I still don't fully know what to make of that. But my mom seemed all-in-all very dismissive and aloof. So we went back to cleaning up.

The woman I was with got to the type of shit we were warned about and it kinda half-exploded and stained her shirt. I just casually and genuinely said "don't worry, you can just borrow one of mine." Again, turning the focus back to intimacy, bonding, connection; making the best out of a... shitty... situation. But when I looked up at the stain, the stain was on a beer belly. It wasn't her. She had morphed into an overweight version of what looked like Spencer Sotelo, the singer from Periphery. And I guess that was enough for me to go "fuck this" and wake myself up. XD

I still haven't fully been able to parse why him specifically. The only real association I've had to him beyond just admiring his vocal abilities - which is very separate from a personality opinion, for me - was in one of the Periphery documentaries where... I kinda jumped to the conclusion that he was sort of a snobby upperish class California type. If you know what I mean... And I could be right, I could be wrong, I have no idea. It's hard to form an opinion on someone's personality from clips in a documentary... But what matters in context of this dream is what kind of associations I have with that specific symbol. And that's the association I had with that man. And I guess what it was kinda getting at was a hint I didn't really take in the beginning... the lipstick. I think the message was like... "okay, you didn't get it with the makeup, so... let's make this message much more clear..." And what's the message? Artificiality. Seeking a bond, seeking intimacy... with a mask. With someone who wears fur coats and gets their hair styled, but at home has a beer gut and a drinking problem. You know what I mean?

I endured so much shit from my family, so much disrespect. (I'm kinda editing this rant a little just to make sure I don't go on for too long and I'm gonna skip to the point.) All for... a taste of genuine human connection, bonding. Which turned out to be fake all along. I could acknowledge, see and find compassion for the way I was treated by my family. That was a big overt theme in the dream too, explicitly displaying genuine compassion while being treated like garbagio. Because of a very present awareness that their crappy action was directly sourcing from their own suffering. But the one person I could not see clearly at all... was the person I wasn't even looking at. The person I implicitly trusted. The person right by my side, the person whose entire role was to bond with me. Who chose that role, volunteered. They turned out to be the deceiver. So... I guess... as shitty as I've been treated by my family... I guess in a sick way I'm kinda glad that they're so... blatant about it. Now I'm just scared of the shapeshifters... the mask wearers... well... I guess more scared of my ability to detect them properly, especially when they are in a role like... someone who wants to bond with me. That does seem to be when I just get all starry eyed and blindly optimistic and shit.

Anyway, that was what I woke up to. But I got a good decent amount of sleep. I did wake up to creaks at one point but... I think I got back to sleep? I don't remember.

I've been pretty slow moving today. But despite that... I got a ton done on the grip tape. Finished outlining, then did shading on both the red and the gold pedals. Like... literally everything is done except for adding in details now. And maybe interior shading if I choose to do that. I have no clue what to do for pedal details, I'm just gonna wing it and then mirror the improvisation. That's what I usually do. I'm really proud of myself. That was a big step.

ALSO... I went outside my comfort zone with shading a bit. I usually use black for shading... I know... I kinda got used to the look of it, and it can have some kinda comic-book-like appearance to it... and a lot of my past work was monochromatic... but I decided to go outside my comfort zone and play around more with using color for shading. The red pedal basecoat is a mix of Alizarine Crimson and Dioxazine Purple, heavy on the crimson though. So I decided to do a wash of a mostly purple mix for shading... and pure crimson for a highlight. I... might have to lighten the highlight, even the pure crimson is a bit too low value for my comfort. I might even add a tiny bit of gold to it so it looks like it's reflecting the light from the gold leaves underneath. The gold... I was going to use the purple too... but decided instead to go with a mix of the metallic gold, a tiny touch of the purple to get the red from it and some Pthalo Blue. I watered that the fuck down and gave it a wash and it came out pretty damn good. It definitely gave the piece a lot more depth.

So yeah, a lot of big art steps today. Going outside of my comfort zone, on a piece that is bound to be destroyed, while improvising a design... on something that's going to be very visible... I'm proud of myself for it. It feels good.

I rewarded myself by getting a game I've had my eye on for a while, which was on sale. Mini Motorways. Holy crap did I get sucked into that. It's the perfect mix of simplicity, difficulty, calm and brain-frying all at the same time. Highly recommend, very easy to learn too.

I guess that's about it. Bed time.

[wandaromanova]

Little Sister

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Warnings: one cuss word, minor BW spoilers

A/N: hello! i’d like to note that this takes place sometime before the events in the Black Widow movie! if you haven’t seen the movie yet, please skip over this story and come back later if you’d like! happy reading <3

anon requested: hiii i have a fluff request after seeing bw haha: could you do nat x fem reader where they're laying in bed snuggling, and r asks her about her family and nat tells her and r notices how cute she looks when she's talking about yelena and it's so soft and ahhhh

Summary: Natasha tells her girlfriend about a piece of her past that she never talks about; her sister.

Word Count: 2K

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please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work. reblogs, likes, and comments are always welcome. <3

Natasha Romanoff has lived a lot of lives. She has been through more than most.

Nat had been taken as an infant by an organization that trained little girls to become lethal assassins.

She was psychologically conditioned to become a killer, having taken more lives than she could count.

Eventually, Natasha had managed to break free from the cage she was forced into and was recruited as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent; it was a new start for her, an opportunity to compensate for the red in her ledger.

So, Natasha took her job seriously, saving as many people as she could, even more so when she became an Avenger; one of earth’s mightiest heroes.

Natasha found something in the team that she never really had before; a family. She found a home within the dysfunctional team she had been recruited into.

Not only did Natasha find a family within the Avengers; she also found the love of her life.

Natasha hadn’t even considered the possibility of ever finding love.

For starters, the Red Room had instilled the concept that love was nothing but a distraction; a liability.

She had been taught that love was for children and it was nothing but a weakness that needed to be avoided at all costs.

She was quite literally programmed to be emotionally closed off and to always have her guard up. Letting someone into her heart was a risk she didn’t want to take.

When Natasha gained her independence from the organization, she had to do a lot of self-discovering. She had never been able to be her own person, but now that she could, she quickly learned that she didn’t even know herself.

However, it was Natasha’s insecurities that truly turned her off from the entire idea of love.

How could any ever possibly love her? She thought she was a monster for the things she’d done. She has done the unspeakable since ever she was a child.

What if she wasn’t enough? What if her baggage was too much for someone else to carry? She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t want to have to protect someone, just to fail them like she had failed so many others.

Natasha was positive that no one would ever be crazy enough to love her.

Little did she know, she would end up finding someone crazy enough to do so; you.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

When the Avengers were formed, you were extremely nervous about it.

All of the files that you’ve read on your new teammates were unbelievable; they were all phenomenal in their own rights. A super-soldier, a god, a genius, a trained-spy.

You were a spy yourself, so you knew exactly who Natasha Romanoff was. She was a S.H.I.E.L.D legend, the best of the best.

You were more nervous about meeting her than anyone else. What if she judged you? What if she didn’t think you were good enough to be an agent, let alone an Avenger?

Not only was she your superior, but she was also your crush. Yeah, you’d never even met the woman before, but you were crushing on her hard.

She was drop-dead gorgeous, but also quite literally a deadly force. Natasha could easily take down anyone she wanted to, and honestly, you wanted to be one of those lucky people.

When you met Natasha for the first time, you were a flustered mess. The redhead found it amusing, how your cheeks turned a bright shade of red and you stumbled over your words as you praised her work.

Natasha never told you this, but she was immediately smitten the moment she laid eyes on you.

There was a kindness and positivity that just radiated off of you and it was extremely contagious.

You were this beaming ball of light that lit up the darkest parts of her soul.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

You got to know Natasha extremely well while being on the team. From observing her closely and paying very close attention to her actions, you had managed to pick up on little things.

She didn’t put any creamer or sugar in her sugar; opting for strong, black coffee.

She was kind of a clean freak. If she saw something out of place, she would be quick to put it in the correct place or position.

When she was happy, she would let a small smirk cross her features. When she was annoyed, she would raise her eyebrows.

When she was stressed out or angry, three little creases would appear on her forehead as her eyebrows would knit together tightly; a subtle frown on her face.

Of course, when you began dating the redhead, you didn’t really have to survey her so closely anymore because she’d tell you things herself.

No matter the circumstances, Natasha would always come to you and rant about it. Whether it was about how shitty a mission went or how she beat Clint’s ass during training; you were the only person she wanted to tell.

Natasha had opened up to you, something she never did with anyone. She told you all about her past.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

You had some knowledge of Natasha’s previous life, considering it was in her files, but you didn’t realize just how horrible her childhood truly was.

The Red Room, the heavy weight of guilt that rests on her shoulders, the nightmares that forced her to relive the murders she committed, her time as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, and becoming an Avenger.

She’d go on and on about her road to redemption or ‘clearing the red out of her ledger.’

Natasha was terrified when she told you about her demons. She figured you were going to leave her the second she finished talking, waiting for you to get up and walk out the door, but you didn’t.

So, you completely caught her off guard when you pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, placing a soft kiss onto her temple, the redhead relaxing in your embrace.

“You’re the strongest person I know. It’s not your fault, you were forced and conditioned to do the things you did.”

Natasha focused on the sound of your voice and took in your words as you softly caressed her red locks with one hand.

“Baby, the amount of respect I have for you is immeasurable. I applaud you for turning your life around for the better. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Your words had brought tears to Natasha’s eyes, which was a rare occurrence.

She was expecting you to run for the hills, but you chose to pull her closer instead.

In that moment, Natasha knew she never had to be afraid of love again.

You were the most understanding and accepting person she’d ever met.

You would never judge her for her worst mistakes; Natasha had found the one for her and she wasn’t ever going to let go.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

Now, a few months later and a year into your relationship with the Russian, you were both lying in bed and cuddling.

You were both watching a movie when a particular scene came on. It was of a family gathering around a Christmas tree, children excitedly opening up presents with gleeful smiles across their faces.

“You know, my sister and I got to take pictures with a Christmas tree once.” Natasha spoke, her eyes fixated on the screen.

You looked up at her in shock. You didn’t know that Natasha had a sister. She told you that she didn’t even so much as know her parent’s names.

Natasha looked down and noticed your confused expression. She reached for the remote on the bedside table and paused the movie before returning her gaze to you.

“There was a mission I was assigned to in Ohio, as a kid. I was assigned to play the daughter of two other Russian spies, Alexei and Melina. It wasn’t just me though, there was a little girl who was assigned as my younger sister. Her name is Yelena.”

Natasha had a reminiscent, happy smile on her face as she recalled the brief period time of her childhood. She looked absolutely adorable as she rambled on about this part of her childhood.

“We took photoshoots of various holidays to make our family look more realistic. My favorite one was Christmas. Even though I knew they were just empty boxes, I wanted to rip open every single one.”

Natasha let out a small giggle at the thought. Even though she had a smile on her face, you could feel and hear the underlying tone of sadness in her voice.

“Yelena and I would spend hours outside, just playing together. Swinging on the swing-sets, looking up at the stars, bending over backward, and getting into a ridiculous competition to see who could hold the position the longest… I always let her win.”

You could see the fondness in her eyes, the longing. It warmed your heart that there was a small glimmer of light in Natasha’s past. There was at least a sliver of hope that she clung tightly onto throughout her time in the Red Room.

“After 3 years, the mission ended. Yelena and I were sent back to the Red Room and were torn apart from one another.

Natasha’s breathing grew heavier as she recalled the unfaithful day. The sight of her sister being taken, and not being able to do anything to help her; still haunted the redhead to this day.

“There were so many men with guns and armor, they literally ripped us away from each other. I was eleven and she was only six.”

Your heart sunk at your girlfriend’s words as her smile dropped. She tore her eyes away from yours as she blinked rapidly, fighting back tears, but failed. You reached your hand up to her cheek and wiped away the fallen droplets.

“I haven’t seen her since. I’d like to think that she found a way out and got a life of her own; a nice, happy life.”

Natasha placed her hand on top of yours before looking down at you once more. You sent her a soft smile when she let out a shaky breath.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“I knew that the it was all fake, but it was still the best part of my childhood. It was real to me.”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You nodded your head at her words. She took a brief pause, trying to regain her composure, before continuing.

“Even if we have no true relation to one another, and even if I haven’t seen her in years, she is still my little sister.”

Natasha finished off with a big gasp as sobs wracked her body. You sat up from her embrace and pulled her into your arms, just like you had many times before.

You rubbed her back soothingly as she cried into your shoulder, her tears hitting the exposed skin.

“She sounds amazing, baby. I’m really happy that you had some sort of happiness back then and I hope one day you get to see her again.”

You whispered and Natasha pulled away from the hug, still in your arms as her emerald eyes surrounded by a sea of red, a result of her crying.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“I doubt she’d even want to see me. I didn’t even try to find her. I’m a horrible sister! I-“

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You immediately pressed your lips against hers, effectively getting the Russian to calm down. You broke the kiss when her breathing slowed.

“Honey, of course, she’d want to see you again. Like you said, you guys are sisters. I’m positive that it was just as real to her as it was to you.”

You reassured your girlfriend, her eyes a pool of worry and guilt. You rubbed your thumb against her waist, the material of your her hoodie beneath your touch.

“From what you’ve told me about the Red Room, it would’ve been impossible to find her. Stop beating yourself up over it. You’re the best, and I’m totally not biased or anything.”

Natasha let out a small chuckle at that and you smiled at her, wiping away the last of her tears. She collapsed into your hold further, shoving her face into the crook of your neck.

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you so much.”

Natasha’s words came out muffled as her face pressed further into your skin.

“You never need to thank me for anything. I’ll always be here for you, Natty.”

You hugged her as tight as you possibly could, her cold skin meeting your warmth. Natasha let out a small sigh at the feeling.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“Wherever you go, I go.”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

───────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────────

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[raineydays411]

Ember

Tony Stark X Daughter!Reader 

Warning: Child neglect, swearing, angst, death 

Summary: After being kidnapped by Hydra, Y/N does some reflecting on her home life. Especially her relationship with her father

italics = past pov

Bold= thoughts

Italic bold= ghosts 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You never thought your life would end like this. Alone, trapped in a Hydra cell, full of anger and resentment for the one man who was never supposed to break your heart. Of course, up until now you had been pretty optimistic your father would realize the error of his ways and miraculously spend years making up for years of missed recitals, ignored achievements, and multiple other offenses. You always forgave him because, hey the man was a member of the Avengers, what should you expect having Tony Stark as a father? 

But right now, as you lay on the cold, damp floor, writhing in pain from whatever glowey nuclear shit those assholes injected you with, you can’t help but remember the mistreatment and neglect bestowed upon you by your father. 

It was, it was September Winds blow, dead leaves fall

You’ll always remember that September day. The day your entire life had changed 

You were only eight when Loki tried to take over New York. You and your mom were coming home from the store when all of a sudden, people around you started to panic. Looking up, you saw a large portal in a once clear blue sky. Creatures appeared out of no where, destroying anything in their way. Your mother, terrified, took you by the hand and headed for a near by building. But, it seemed that others had that idea as well. Before you knew it, your vision was overwhelmed by the bodies of citizens trying to escape the chaos outside. After a few seconds, you found yourself in a crowed parking garage and no idea where your mother was.

You never saw her again after that.

After three days of searching, the police declared her dead and you were sent to live with your godmother, Pamela Isely. 

She was good to you. She held you through nightmares, told you stories about how your mother and her met, and even taught you how to take care of plants. The only complaint you had was that she would usually leave you alone every once in a while and come back with a lot of money, and occasionally, a loud blonde woman in a clown costume would come through the window and pinch your cheeks too hard. Other than that, you got adjusted to your new life quickly.

Four months passed and your life changed again. It was a cold September day, and you had just got home from school. As you walked into the apartment, you immediately felt a tension in the air, and you saw a man at the table with your Aunty Pam, who looked extremely uneasy and pale. They stared at you until your Aunt spoke.

“Y/N...you’re going back to New York.”

Those words alone made the floor fall from underneath you. You had just settled down. You finally felt comfortable without your mother in the world and now this?? Then the man cleared his throat, causing you to snap back into reality. 

“Y/n, my name is Tony Stark”

 You knew that name, he was the man in the metal suit who helped save New York. You didn’t care at the moment though, you just wanted to know why you were leaving your aunt.

Ignoring Tony, you looked at your aunt and whispered,

 “ Did...did I do something wrong?” 

Immediately, Pams eyes filled with tears as she quickly gathered you in her arms and responded with a loud, 

“Oh no, darling of course not”, She then proceeded to tell you the uncomfortable looking man at the table was in fact your father, who up till now you had never met. In fact, you never even fathomed the idea of having a father as your mom had always told you that you were a gift from some fairies she helped. You turned to the man who quietly sat at the table and looked over the man who was said to be your father.

He was definitely a handsome man. He wore a fancy looking suit and some tinted glasses even though he was inside. His hair was dark brown and messy, as if he was tugging or running his fingers through it. His skin looked to be am olive color but it was hard to tell as he looked kind of pale in the light of the small apartment you called home. You thought it was odd he hadn’t said anything other than introducing himself. 

“ Is it true? Are you really my dad?” You asked in a quiet voice.

He finally spoke, “Yeah kid, I’m your dad”

To you, I did surrender

Two weeks, you didn’t call

It’s been two weeks since you were taken by Hydra. Two weeks since you were injected with that mystery substance. You didn’t die, at least you don’t think you did. But you didn’t exactly feel alive either. You were colder than usual, like your body temperature lowered. You slept longer than normal especially the first three days after you were injected. The guards had to wake you up just to get you to eat. But the most worrying symptom of all is that your eyes were the same shade of neon blue as the liquid that was injected into your body. And everytime your eyes turned blue, something weird would happen. 

For example, the first time you noticed your eyes were blue, you woke up from the first long sleep.The second time, you thought you heard voices, screaming in agony and despair.This was odd because you were the only one in that cell block. As you came back to reality, you realized that you could see other ghostly figures in the once empty cells, and that you were floating three feet above your bed. 

Within the two weeks you were in that cell, you learned that that day you were injected, your heart did stop for an hour until you miraculously sprung back to life with a loud gasp, scaring the absolute shit out of the Hydra guards that were tasked with disposing your body. That would go through physical changes as well. Your once brown skin would change to a pale ghostly blue. And your black kinky hair would change to a shocking neon blue to match the color of your eyes.

For two weeks, you learned the ins and outs of your newfound powers. Two weeks of being pushed to your absolute limits by power hungry scientists. Two weeks of learning the names of the dead around you in those cells. 

It took two weeks, to realize that your father truly didn’t care about you.

And looking back on it, you should’ve known

Your life, goes on without me  My life, a losing game

It had been a year since you had moved into the Avengers Tower with your father. It had taken you a while to warm up to the team and for the team to get used to having a child around. But once you all got to know each other, it was like having multiple aunts and uncles. Especially because you were around them more than your own father. 

Unfortunately, once you had settled in and gotten to know everyone, Tony had locked himself away in his lab. Tinkering on a new project for weeks on end, ignoring his responsibilities as a new father.

Now, this didn’t really affect you till you started school. Tony had forgotten to pick you up multiple times, causing you to wait for hours on end till either Steve or Pepper realized that you hadn’t come home and rushed to the school , only to see you waiting on the front steps talking the ear off of the unlucky teacher who had to stay behind to wait with you.

Of course word got around that Y/N Stark was being forgotten at school everyday, thus prompting the kids at school to taunt you everyday after school.

“Where's your daddy Y/N??”

“I bet he leaves you here so you can get kidnapped so he doesn’t have to look at you”

“Your own dad doesn’t even love you”

Once you got to middle school, you joined as many after school clubs to hide the fact that there was no one to pick you up. And a small part hoped that it would be enough to gain your fathers attention. But it didn’t happen.

“Daddy! I made the volleyball team!”

“hmm, oh that's great kid, can you pass me that wrench”

“Dad! I’m in the robotics club”

“Y/N I’m really busy right now”

“ Hey dad...can you help me with--”

“Not now, go ask Pepper”

No matter what you did, you could never get his attention long enough. Nothing you did was good enough. You never got so much as a “welcome home” or a “ have a good day at school kiddo”. And you were fine with that. You were, because you knew that even though he didn’t show it, Tony Stark really did love you.

But you should, you should not doubt me You will remember my name.

After learning the extent of your powers, which included; flying,the ability to talk and see the dead, energy blasts, floating through walls, and the ability to shut off your powers at will. You decided it was time for you to make plans to escape. 

You’d like to think that you were really good at pretending. 

You did it on a daily basis, really. You pretended to be happy, not to notice Tony’s neglect, like you didn’t see the pity glances the rest of the team gave you. So convincing your captors that they finally broke you down wasn’t really a challenge. 

“....fine..i’ll help you” You said in a tired weak voice.

The two guards were startled at first, not expecting you to speak so suddenly

“You..what?” The younger of the two asked in a suspicious tone.

“I said I want to help you” you repeated a little louder. 

The first guard looked to the second, obviously confused at your sudden change of heart. They had a silent conversation with their eyes, as if debating on whether this was a trick or not. Finally, the older of the two turned to you and said,

“This better not be a trick, Stark.”

And with that, he started to unlock the door to your cell. 

“Okay, now I can either fight them now  and make a break for it, or I can wait till i get to the--” 

Your thoughts were cut off by a loud wailing, piecing your ears and automatically giving you a headache. Wincing in pain you look around the empty cell blocks and try to locate the spirit that’s making all that noise. When you see it, your heart breaks. It’s a young boy, around your age. The first thing you notice about him is that he had white hair, kinda Danny Phantom. As you continued to stare at the boy, his head suddenly turned and you both made eye contact, the movement startling you enough to make you jerk in the hold of the guards

“ HEY, eyes forward!” shouted the older guard. “There's no way out, if that's what you're looking for’ He said in a smug tone.

“I said I wanted to join you, why would I want to escape?” You reply, irritation dripping from your words.

“Just don’t pull any tricks kid.”

God does he have any other lines, you think to yourself mentally rolling your eyes. Sounds familiar.

Oh Ember, you will remember

Oh Ember, one thing remains

“Y/N I’m busy, go as--” “I know, go ask Pepper”

“Oh kid, I’m sorry I forgot” “ yeah, I know”

“You’re on the volleyball team” “ yes dad. For four years now”

“Y/N! I’m gonna be in the lab with Peter so try not to bother us.”

“Y/N me and Peter--”

“Good job, Peter”

“Hey Peter--”

God were you tired of that name. You never ever felt the feeling of envy and anger as much as you did when Peter came into your life. 

In fact, you were still healing from almost losing your family you found in the Avengers. Your dad didn’t want you around the “traitors” as he privately called them, so you were secluded. Watching them from afar and yearning for the comfort of hearing Steves pre-war stories, helping Clint pull off the most ridiculous pranks, helping Wanda teach Vision how to cook, and most of all you missed talking to Natasha. She reminded you of your aunt Pam, mainly because they both had red hair. You hoped that your father would understand this loss and step up now that you really needed a connection, but no. He decided that Peter Parker deserved all his attention. So you stopped trying as hard.

Oh Ember, So warm and tender You will remember my name

You walk into a room with a singular table and no windows. Sat at the table was a bald man writing in a notebook. The two guards lead you to the table and make you sit opposite of the bald man. He looks up at you and smiles.

“So, Ms. Stark has finally decided to comply?” He asks in a smug tone. You roll your eyes and answer back in a sarcastic tone,

“Yeah yeah, just cut the crap and tell me what you want me to do.”

The bald man just smiles and looks at you, as if trying to read your mind to figure out your motives. 

“Well”, he says, leaning back into his chair. “Lets get down to business.” He then proceeds to talk about the process of join his team and what you will be doing. But you don’t hear a word of it. Because you were going to escape this hell hole one way or another. 

“Well then, lets get you changed.” said the bald man. “Yeager, Jennings, take our guest to to her new room. 

“Huh so they do have names.” You think, as they pull you out of the chair and into the hallway. Walking back into the cell block, you make eye contact with that white haired boy again. He’s quiet as he watches you walk back to your room, then he disappears. 

You finally get back to your cell and notice a pair of black spandex, black halter top, grey boots and some black gloves on the floor. Changing into them, you take your hair into a pineapple with a hair tie they had given you. Looking into the piece of metal you used as a mirror, you changed into your ghost form. Suddenly, you hear a male voice behind you.

“Don’t let them know you can do that.” 

You startle and turn around, only to see none other than the white haired boy. He looked equally as startled as he realized you can see and hear him. 

“Why not?” you asked, changing back to your normal self.

“Because, they won’t ever let you leave.You’re already the first one to survive the injection. If they realize you can go ghost, they’ll do everything in their power to control you.”

Your mind flashed to Bucky. How Steve told you that they kept him. Brainwashing him over and over till he just became a weapon. You were not going to let them do that to you. You looked back at the boy.

“Can you help me get out of here?” you asked hopefully. The boy looked at you and said, 

“Well I’ve got nothing else to do.” You let go a sigh of relief. You were about to say something when you heard Yeager and Jennings walking down the hallway.

“They’re coming” You whisper, “ what do I do?”

“This base is small. All the people here are the only ones who know about it. They’re all going to be in the training room you’re being taken to. Wait till you get there, phase into the floor to the basement and blow up the heater. That should cause the whole building to cave in” 

You again don’t get to respond, as the two men finally get to your cell and unlock it. You walk out of the cell, head held high and allow them to lead you to the training room. Despite the look of confidence, you were dreading the next few moments. 

“So how come I’m the only one here?” you ask, even though you know the answer. The older guard looks at you and says

“You’re the only one who survived.” You fake a look of shock and look forward as if the news made you uneasy. And it did. It made you mad that these people didn’t care that they were murdering innocent people. They couldn’t hear the cries and the wails of agony these poor trapped souls emitted. In a way, it was ironic. Back at the tower, you were the poor soul nobody could see. And now you were surrounded by them.

Your heart, your heart is rendered Your loss, now bear the shame

This was the last straw. There was only so much you an take before you broke and this was it.

 Tony didn’t intend for you to hear it, but god did it hurt all the same. One phrase shattered your whole world. 

“You know Spiderling, your kinda like the kid I always wanted to have.”

An tense silence filled the common room. The first time in months you were able to see th eteam and they had to bear witness to this. Of course they did, who else would give you that stare full of sorrow and pity. You barely even noticed though. You were too busy looking at the “heartwarming scene.”

“that's such bullshit” Oh, how you wish you had a camera if only to capture the look of pure “oh shit” painted on Steve's face.

“What..what was that kid?” Asks your father. You turn to him, a fury in your eyes that nobody has ever seen.

“THAT IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.”  You scream. “ FOR EIGHT YEARS I HAVE TRIED SO HARD FOR YOU TO LOVE ME. EIGHT YEARS I JOINED CLUBS, GOT THE HIGHEST GRADED IN CLASS AND FOR WHAT?” 

Tony and Peter look at you in shock “Y/n..wha..what are you talking about?” Peter asks in a baffled voice.

“Oh eat shit Peter! You know exactly what I’m talking about! Do you not find it weird, that your new mentor spends every single second of free time he has on you and not with his daughter?? Or are you so needy for some sort of parental validation that you don’t even care??” 

Deep down you know it’s not Peters fault. Hell, you two probably could have been good friends if your dad wasn’t such a tool. 

“Hey kid, I don’t know what's gotten into you, but that was way over the line.” Said Tony in a stern voice. Your eyes harden.

“Oh, did I hurt your poor little spiders feelings?? I didn’t even know you cared about other peoples feelings Tony? Or is it just your daughters that you ignore ?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t ignore you, stop being so over dramatic.”

OVERDRAMATIC?? DO YOU REALIZE THE ONLY THING YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS MY NAME??” You are now sobbing. “ Do you even know my favorite color? How old I am?” 

Tony looks at you, eyes wide.”Y/N...” You cut him off

“Just forget it. I understand now. I will never be important to you. Not like Peter apparently is. I just wish it didn't take me eight years to figure that out.” And with that, you run out of the room, tears running down your cheeks and ignoring the calls of your father, the team, and Peter. 

You run for a few blocks and cry in an alleyway. not the smartest idea but you were too upset to care. And as you cry, you don’t notice the dark shadow behind you before its too late and the world goes dark.

Like dead trees, in cold december  Nothing but ashes remain

The hydra base was now engulfed with flames.  Your body was tired from phasing through the walls, and your head hurts from those energy blasts. But one thing brings some happiness in your heart as you watch all the souls that were trapped there realize they are free. All but one, the white haired kid. He walks up to you. 

“So you did it.” He says with a smile. You smile back. 

“Yeah I did.  Thanks to you.”

“Blue suits you.” he says with a blush. You squint at him for a second and let out a chuckle. 

“Thanks” ,You’re both silent for a few seconds, watching the souls leave. You speak up again. 

“Why aren’t you leaving like them” You question him.

“I don’t know, I guess my time here isn’t up.” he says looking out at the horizon. You nod and look at around trying to figure out where you are. 

“So, what are you going to do next” he asks. Your body stiffens as you are filled with resentment.

“I’m going to visit my father.” You say, eyes glowing a neon blue.

You will remember my name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: HI!so this is my first ever fanfic! i hope anyone who reads this enjoys it!! Let me know what you think and what i can improve on!💕

[wyrmmaster]

At first I expected and wanted Yuisis to be a lot less Hinged in her event, I wanted the frothing rabid RAGE when she finally came up on all this shit but she's actually rather meek. A bit after I kept going through it, I remembered she's spent years with The Crew™ being something she was meant to be but unable to as a yakuza.

Like, we've seen unhinged ruthless Yuisis. She would've been just as bad as Elsine ever was here - the only reason she didn't murder the thugs in her fates was because we were there and stopped her. Elsine makes it a point to say the crew is why Yuisis's "soft" (she ain't know about all the existential nightmares and god-killing). The Yuisis Elsine knew would help a woman getting attacked on a street, but would've done so with actual deadly force, and that's where Elsine starts to draw the line. Even with Ditoria's Values™ of chivalry they were still a cutthroat fucking gang, and Elsine wants the new Family™ to place itself above helping the little people because she feels like that bleeding heart attitude helped bring about the old one's downfall. Elsine figures the ruthless Yuisis she knew would've come around to her way of thinking pretty fast so long as she give her some harsh words - she doesn't flip until Yuisis tries to spare Elea, who even by Ditoria's old code of ethics was a dead woman.

She would never be some champion of justice in that world, it's not possible - but she got to be that with the crew and was able to just chill and be with people who care for her and who she cares for, and she got to be a hero for real, while nursing a budding crush and romance she didn't know she wanted. She was a relatively sheltered mafia princess that held on to the more romanticized aspects of the life from her childhood and now that she's lived her dream life she can't give it up.

When she meets up with Elsine again she knows what Elsine's saying makes sense in the strictest sense, but Elsine takes the ruthless to callous, and that doesn't jibe with who Yuisis grew into. Yuisis wants her vengeance, lives and breathes for it, wants blood and hellfire for anyone who hurts the people she cares about, but she also wants to protect the innocent and weak.

She spends most of the event regressing into a younger Yuisis because she's confronting her childhood memories and she was so happy that she could do so but now she's finding out that it's all wrong. It's incompatible with who she is. She can't get those days back because they never existed.

So she takes what comfort she can get from you and Elea, vents her problems and whines and cries because she wasn't ever able to allow herself to before.

She doesn't know what to do and making a choice from what she's given ends everything on one side or the other. Picking either means blood on her hands, and that'd be fine only this time the blood belongs to people she cares for deeply. She tries to bridge the gap but it doesn't work until, with the help she gets, she decides to say "fuck it" and be herself, and reshape her old life into the new one she wants.

Her new gang's gonna be the real warriors for Justice, they're gonna help people and protect each other and offer a helping hand wherever they can but if you piss them off your life is forfeit.

She decides that and we buy into it: we're gonna do this the Yuisis way, and that involves a wholesale slaughter of the obvious enemies in Arrogante's gang and beating Elsine and Icas into submission and knocking new values into their brains. Dismembering the dude that caused all this shit is just a sexy fucking bonus.

This newfound resolve not only allows her to awaken her ancestral weapon Ditoria but also its counterpart Vasuria -

Ditoria is awakened by Chivalry™ and passion, Vasuria by ambition and ruthless will. Now they're one weapon because Yuisis can just do that. Ain't nobody even know this was possible but fuck you Yuisis does it anyway.

Then, after all's said and done and she's had her revenge and accomplished things she'd never even dared to dream of by getting some of her closest friends back and rebuilding her Family™, Elea's suggestions and questions have her realize that yeah, actually, she's in love with you and she wants to be with you for real, because your existence showed her the way she wanted to go.

It's not even cheapened into being "we made this possible", it's presented as "we enabled her to grow into who she was meant to be". We were support cast all the way and even though we helped and saved her, at the end of it all everything done, from dueling Elea to convincing Elsine to killing Arrogante was in her hands by her own power, skill, and decisions.

Goddamn, I'm satisfied.

[starglow-xx]

(About the brother!atsushi) aRE YOU READING MY MIND MISS?! Because that has been on my mind for MONTHS. TYSM For writing it was amazing!! If you don't mind, may I request (if requests are open) atsushi, still an older brother, but with a sister that's 10-13 yrs old? It's totally fine if you don't wanna do it. Keep up the good stories, ily mwuah!

*sobs* you’re so kind thank youu 🤧🤧

i wrote this a bit differently i hope that’s okay anon! at first i planned for this to be mainly abt atsushi and the reader, but i decided to add in relationship hcs with the agency bc i ran out of ideas

if you guys liked this don’t worry! im planning a special part two for this one so be the look out for it hehe

atsushi with a tween! sister

ft. the armed detective agency

like in my baby sister hcs, you’re still the most important thing to him period

the two of you got picked up by dazai and kunikida when he was 18 (obviously) and when you were 12

for a 12 year old, you were a bit small bc of malnourishment (which makes atsushi feel so bad) so both dazai and kunikida thought you were a bit younger than you actually were

they assumed you were about 9-10ish

you and atsushi both share a favorite food !! chazuke :)

so when kunikida treated the two of you, he made sure you got more bowls bc like i mentioned above, he feels really bad that you were malnourished and under weight

(don’t bring this up but kunikida felt bad too hehe)

when dazai went with your brother to the warehouse, you were with kunikida

imagine the surprise of the other ada members when kunikida came in with a little girl dressed in rags that popped out from behind him

kenji was the one who vocalized his thoughts 

“kunikida-san you have a daughter?! wow! i didn’t know that! :D”

when you found out your brother was a tiger, you were a bit concerned but you were actually kind of excited

you were even more excited when you found out the two of you were going to be taken in by the agency

anything was better than the stupid orphanage

and besides!

you got a tiger for an older brother and a bunch of other super powered agents to take care of you! who could want anything else?

at your age, you’re very impressionable and can be influenced easily so atsushi makes sure to teach you more in depth of good morals and the importance of kindness

his heart swells with pride and relief when he catches you being kind to others

pride bc he’s proud that even after all the two of you have gone through, you still ended up being a good kid and having a bright view of the world

and relief bc he hasn’t failed as a big brother

pfftt like he could ever fail

but please, from time to time reassure him that he’s perfect and the only big brother that you’d ever want bc he rlly needs that kind of validation

with his salary and savings, he tries to buy nice things for you

what a sweetheart 🥺

he saw you eyeing that one dress at a store window? fast forward abt a week and half and it’s inside a pretty gift bag for you

you wanted to try that dessert from the nice bakery? that’s dessert after dinner at one point

but other than buying you things, he sets money aside for you

like all the time

(y/n), here have this, you might need it”

“but nii-san you just gave me—”

“take it”

#1 spoiler

also your #1 confidant and source of physical affection

you tell him anything and everything (except crushies and those kinds of things)

atsushi loves it when you talk abt your day and he can see the big smile on your face and the sparkle in your eyes

it gives him the strength to keep going 😖😖

the two of you aren’t as touch starved as you’d probably think, but that’s only bc the two of you had each other

in your opinion, no one can match the hugs of your big brother

and it got even better bc YAYY he has tiger arms now ٩(◕‿◕)۶

if you ask, he’d carry you around too hehe

you also get nightmares quite often so he’ll always be there ready to calm you down, talk if you need to, and rock you back to sleep

god i love him 🤧🤧

atsushi will do everything in his power to protect you and make sure you get to grow up happy, supported, and loved

port mafia attack? oop he’s already taking you to the nearest escape route

someone is starting to harass you? they just got suckered punched into the next week

you want to go out to have some fun? he’ll go ask the president for a day off

you’re not feeling well? he’ll take another day off and take care of you

whatever you want to do, he’ll do it with you! (as long as it’s within reason)

will always be your #1 supporter! and he’s the president of your fan club hehe

he loves you so so much and will do anything for you; your life and happiness will always be more important to him

you are his reason to keep going

agency head canons !!

atsushi is your big brother, but kunikida is most definitely some sort of father figure

everyone can see it

except kunikida of course

kunikida scolds you lightly if he thinks your manners need work or if you make a mess in the agency

you listen to him of course and in turn as some sort of a reward, he’ll give you pieces of stationary

he always gives you the nice, good quality kind and you’re over the moon

atsushi adores it when you come running to him showing your new notebook or fountain pen and blabbering what you’re going to do with it

sometimes it isn’t even as a reward for being a good child; he’ll just give it to you and he’ll say smth like “i noticed you’ve used up your last notebook quite quickly, so here’s another one” or “did you run out of ink? here have this then”

he usually has a soft spot for children in general, but he most definitely has a soft spot (or a thousand) for you

yosano is kind of like a motherly figure to you

she gives you the guidance a mother should and goes on shopping trips with you!

atsushi always gets dragged along by you, but he thinks it’s worth it seeing you look so happy

yosano being a doctor also tries to teach the things you should know, or things that would be helpful to you

she’ll teach you the basics of cooking, sewing, how to treat a cold/fever, etc

also gives you excellent advice 1000% of the time

“remember (y/n)-chan if someone hurts you come tell me and then i’ll chop them into—”

“yOSANO-SENSEI DONT TELL HER THAT—”

fukuzawa is like a father to most in the agency but you see him more as a grandfather figure

bi weekly tea and gossip sessions hehe

along with cat talk!

most of the time though, it’s just you talking and him listening to you, but the two of you enjoy it nonetheless

“and then kunikida-san ended up crashing into a pole and dazai-san started to laugh at him and i did too because it was really funny but we ended up getting scolded—”

“hmm i see...”

he’ll let you stay in his office as he fills out paperwork; you’re usually doodling or drawing in your notebooks

sometimes he’ll meditate and you’ll join him, but 4/7 times you’d fall asleep

you always wake up with a blanket over you

dazai is like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

frequently takes you out with him when he ditches work

walks in the park, eating at uzumaki so he has the excuse of treating you so he doesn’t have to pay his tab avoiding kunikida and sometimes chuuya and akutagawa, all that fun stuff

also tries to not talk abt suicide in front of you especially if it’s just the two of you alone

he knows that you mean the world to his pupil and that said pupil would probably hate him for putting suicide inside your brain

he teaches you random but useful things like how to pick a lock, how to steal kunikida’s notebook if you’re looking for some information, how to sweet talk your way out of things, etc.

is also the one to tell you that if you ever get a significant other to introduce them to the agency first

he always wants all of your gossip; some of them work pretty well for blackmail

“dazai-san! dazai-san! did you know that kunikida-san lost his glasses and he was looking for them for nearly an hour when he was just holding them the entire time??”

“woah really (y/n)-chan?! hey hey can you say it again into this recording device so kunikida-kun would believe me when i tell him—”

always ends up giving kunikida a heart attack when he says that you’ve been with him all day

ranpo is also like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

will share some of his snacks, but don’t push it or you might not get anything at all

loves it when you compliment him

if you tagged along with him and your brother on a case, he will show off to impress you

“...and that’s how the crime happened”

“UWAHH RANPO-SAN YOU’RE SO COOL”

atsushi is lowkey and kunikida is highkey stressed that ranpo’s eating habits will rub off on you

“ne (y/n)-chan do you wanna try this highly caffeinated drink and this concerning amount of sugar filled snack?”

“can i really?!”

“rANPO-SAN NO—”

ranpo definitely does stuff like that on purpose 

the tanizakis are like siblings to you!

a weird set of siblings but siblings nonetheless

the two of them adore you and think you’re precious

atsushi definitely knows how to do your hair whether it’s long or short but he got even better at it when he asked the two

hehe braid trains are definitely a thing + kyouka and kenji (and maybe even dazai)

sometimes you have sibling swap days

you’re with junichiro for most of the day and atsushi is with naomi

strange i know

each of the tanizaki siblings try to make it fun bc they know that the two of you did not at all have a happy upbringing

junichiro likes spending time with you by taking you out to different places that naomi likes to frequent

like the mall, different stores and restaurants, the park, places like those

naomi does the same thing with atsushi so if you ever bump into them, you go out and eat together :)

besides atsushi, the next one in line who spoils you the most would be junichiro (and yosano & kunikida both coming in at a close third)

he honestly can’t help it; you remind him of how naomi was when she was younger

and besides

he’s always been a sucker when it came to the happiness of a little sister

“would you really buy this for me junichiro-san?!”

“of course! don’t worry about it” :)

wanna talk abt boys/girls/celebrity crushes things like that? naomi is your girl

you feel a bit embarrassed to go talking to yosano or your brother abt that and kyouka does not know a thing abt them either

“uwahh naomi-san look at all these people in this magazine! they look so good!”

“right?! but of course onii-sama is still the best—”

you get along with kenji and kyouka quite nicely being roughly the same age as them; they’re also like siblings!

just pure, wholesome vibes from the three of you

you’re over the moon when she finds out that kyouka is staying with you and your brother

atsushi is twice as happy seeing you talk your mouth off and finally having a girl around your age to talk to

“do you think demon snow can change how she looks?”

“hmm... im not sure...”

you and kenji talk abt anything and everything

he even teaches you how to take care of plants!

sometimes the two of you are kind of in the same boat bc you don’t know much abt yokohoma being stuck in the orphanage and kenji doesn’t know much abt cities in general

“wait where are we again kenji-san?”

“ah we’re close to the ports! but im not really sure how close because i don’t know what the symbols on this sign mean”

“don’t worry! neither do i!”

bonus things!

yosano was kind of too late teaching you abt you know what

“NII-SAN IM BLEEDING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS”

you’re sobbing in the agency’s bathroom and atsushi is panicking trying to get you to open the door

“Y/N?! H-HOLD ON LET ME GET YOSANO SENSEI”

ranpo overhears and cackles making everyone around him confused

suddenly atsushi bursts in the agency basically on the verge of tears rambling incoherent sentences abt the bathroom, you, and blood

it just clicked for everybody in the room

(im going to pretend that kenji has sisters back home so that atsushi is the only one who remain oblivious here hehe)

atsushi is genuinely confused and sort of concerned that no one is freaking out with him

yosano waves her hand saying smth like that she’d take care of it and junichiro pulls atsushi to the side to talk to him

fast forward like half and hour and dazai and ranpo are cackling on the looks of both of your faces

honestly not sure who’s more traumatized, you or your brother

“why does this have to happen” :(

“ne ne (y/n)-chan!~ you’re too young but at some point you’re not going to have it!”

“uwahh really dazai-san?” :D

“yeah! but first you have to have ANFK—”

next thing you know your ears are being covered by your brother and dazai is thrown across the room by kunikida

you know

the normal

you’re twelve and have never gone to school, but the agency takes care of that

it’s too dangerous to go to school so they teach you what’s necessary and whatever else they can

kunikida takes care of math (obviously)

yosano takes care of science/biology/anatomy/health (whatever you wanna call it)

ranpo even dragged poe to help you with english

atsushi even got lucy to help you out with english too!

as tanizaki and naomi used to be students, they give you their old work books and they try to teach you all the other subjects

sometimes kyouka and kenji are there learing with you too!

sorry if there’s some errors! i’ll read through it again later :)

and as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[animeomegas]

Omega!Kaidou Headcanons

Anon:  Ooooh can you do omega kaido hcs?

(Aww, I love Kaidou, he is baby. I just finished all my uni work for the week so I jumped to write this! Enjoy!)

Warnings: N-sfw under cut, mpreg, talk of insecurities.

General:

Kaidou is quite an insecure omega. Especially as a teenager.

Honestly, he has probably tried to masquerade as a beta before, and wished many times that he was an alpha like his younger brother and sister.

A lot of his façade as the ‘Jet Black Wings’ is a defence mechanism because of his insecurities and him being an omega fuels that.

Kaidou can be wary around alphas he doesn’t know, so it’s likely that you were friends first and romantic a long time afterwards.

When you are finally mates/almost mates, you see a completely different side to Kaidou.

He is incredibly touch starved. He loves cuddles and pets. He’ll take any affection you dish out. He especially loves resting his head on your lap or on your shoulder.

Kaidou wants to be an author when he’s older, and he has never had anyone support his dream. When you offer your support for him, he falls in love with you right then and there. That’s when he knew he wanted you to be his alpha.

His scent is light and flowery, with a hint of citrus.

Kaidou purrs a lot without realising and it always embarrasses him when you point it out. He purrs everytime you scent him, croon, cuddle him, etc. 

Kaidou is a very sweet omega who is a dedicated and loving mate and parent. 

Nesting:

As a teenager, Kaidou never gets to the point where he likes his nest. 

He wants a super cool nest! A combo between a ‘secret lair’ style and a ‘pinterest’ style nest.

He wants a room dedicated to his nest, preferably with a hidden entrance. He wants a super powerful colour scheme with cool posters but he also wants fairy lights and pastel blankets.

Kaidou has lots of cuddly toys but he gets embarrassed about it and won’t admit it. 

In fact, cuddly toys are his favourite courting gifts to receive, but he will always pretend that he think toys are for little kids, but you can see how tightly he cradles the toy, and if you scent the teddy first, you can even hear him purring. 

As an adult, Kaidou really wants his dream nest, but he feels guilty spending so much money on it. It’s up to his alpha to encourage him. 

When he has pups, they think his nest is the coolest thing ever, and they tell all the other kids at school because it has a hidden door! And beanbags! And a mini fridge! And it’s way better than your omega parent’s nest!!

Kaidou is very protective of his nest. He only lets you and his pups inside. No one else. He doesn’t even like when someone figures out where it is in his home.

This causes some conflict because he would love to give birth in his nest, but he would never be able to invite a midwife or doctor inside. 

You clutched a small bat plushie in you hands as you walked into your classroom. You had bought it for Kaidou on a whim yesterday on your way home from school. This was hardly the first time you had given him a courting gift, but this was the first one that had your scent on it. 

“Holy shit.” You whispered to yourself. “You can do this, don’t be nervous.” 

You saw Kaidou immediately. He was sitting on top of his desk, chatting with Hairo and Nendou. You huffed. You would have preferred him to be alone but you guess that couldn’t be helped now.

“Hey, Shun...” You started, awkwardly sliding up beside him.

He startled slightly, a blush settling on his cheeks.

 “Oh! Hey... Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I, um.” You pulled the bat toy out of your pocket, shoving it vaguely in his direction. “This is for you.”

Kaidou gently took it from your hands, eyes wide. He turned it over, running a finger over the fake fangs. You saw the moment he realised you had scented it. He looked up at you in shock before turning and sniffing absentmindedly at the toy, purrs beginning to sneak out. 

You puffed up in pride. Watching your intended mate accept and enjoy your gift with such fervour filled your heart with joy. 

“HA HA!” Interrupted Nedou. “Kaidou’s purring!”

The purrs stopped immediately, Kaidou turned bright red, shoving the toy into his bag. 

“I AM NOT! Shut up!”

The two began to bicker, Nedou laughing over Kaidou’s agressive denial. 

You were vaguely embarrassed that Kaidou’s friends had seen you give him a courting gift, but mostly you were pleased by his acceptance of your first serious courting gift. Giving someone your scent to put in their nest was a big deal after all.

Family + pups

When you decide to court Kaidou, he will try and keep you as far away from his mother as he can. Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long, because his mother just orders him to bring you over and he can’t say no to his terrifying alpha mother.

Kaidou is unbelievably nervous throughout the whole meeting. He knows his mother will order him to end the courtship if she doesn’t approve.

His mother’s opinion depends a lot of how well spoken, intelligent and ambitious Kaidou’s intended alpha is.

If you have good grades, can match her successfully in conversation, and are preparing to apply to a good university, she will adore you. 

(it’s best just to lie if you aren’t those things).

Kaidou’s mother is a very hands on grandparent when the time comes. She always take your pup(s) when Kaidou is in heat and you in rut. She also helps pay for tutors and arranges academic help for all her grandchildren.

Kaidou wants at least one pup but no more than three pups. 

He is such a sweet parent. 

He never, ever makes fun of his pups. He always treats their problems seriously and loves them for who they are.

He’s the kind of parent who jumps at the opportunity to support his kids hobbies. Writing, martial arts, painting, cooking, whatever they love, he makes sure they can do it. 

Kaidou makes an excellent stay-at-home parent. He loves spending time with his pup(s) and working on writing the book he wants to write.

Family cuddles are a scheduled weekly event. He is distraught if, when his pups get older, they don’t partake in the family cuddles every week.

It took Kaidou quite a few tries to get pregnant, and he ended up getting very stressed about it, thinking something was wrong with him. Luckily, it eventually happened for you both. 

When he was pregnant, Kaidou didn’t have many symptoms, but he was very tired and hungry all the time. 

He needed help to do most things because he was so tired, but he felt like a burden, so didn’t ask for help. This changes in his second pregnancy (if he has one). He needs to have help with your other pup(s) when he’s pregnant because he’s too tired to look after them fulltime.

It would make more sense for you to wait until your first pup was in school before trying for a second one, just to take the pressure off of Kaidou somewhat.

The night’s peace was broken by a tentative knock at your bedroom door. You startled slightly, starting to sit up, Kaidou also stirring in your arms. The door handle turned slowly, the silhouette of you oldest son was revealed, along with the quiet sound of sniffling.

Before you could even process what you were seeing, Kaidou had yanked himself out of your arms and thrown himself towards your crying pup. 

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Kaidou panicked, hands flitting over your pup as if to check for injuries. 

“Nightmare.” Your pup whined, beginning to sob and he held his arms out for a hug. 

Kaidou whined with him, quickly and firmly pulling him into his embrace. Kaidou then stood up, cradling your pup in his arms, rocking him back and forth. 

“Why don’t you sleep with us tonight, pup?” You said, voice still heavy with sleep, gesturing for Kaidou to get back into bed. It was freezing after all.

Kaidou didn’t need any more prompting and slipped back under the covers you were holding up for him. As he settled down, your pup quickly grabbed at your shirt, holding it tightly in his fist. You brushed your hand over his tiny one before settling your hand on his back, rubbing up and down to help soothe him. You could no longer see his face (it was buried in your mate’s chest), but you could still hear his sniffling. 

“What was your nightmare about, sweetheart? Must have been scary, huh?” You asked as Kaidou began scenting the top of your son’s head. 

“Yeah. W’s scary.” Came the muffled voice of your pup. 

In lieu of a reply, you pulled both him and Kaidou more closely against your chest. 

“Nothing can happen while you’re here with us, okay. You’re safe.” You kept rubbing his back as he finally started to settle. Eventually, his breathing evened out and he relaxed fully against you and Kaidou, his grip on your shirt loosening. 

“I feel so useless when he has nightmares.” Kaidou admitted, breaking the hush. “I can’t protect him from them.”

You shifted slightly to look him in the eye. 

“You’re protecting him right now, my love. This is what he needs from you and you’re so good at it. You’re such a good parent, Shun.” Kaidou blushed faintly.  “I fall in love with you all over again everytime I see you with our pups.”

Kaidou smiled slightly, resting his head against your shoulder. 

“I just want him to be happy.” 

“I know.” You replied, placing a kiss on his head. “Me too.” 

You started to drift off to sleep as silence descended on the room. 

“Thanks.” Kaidou murmured. 

Too tired to reply, you squeezed him lightly with your arms. It saddened you that your amazing parent of a mate still felt insecure four years into parenthood, but you were just going to have to keep telling him otherwise until he started to see himself as you saw him. 

N-SFW under cut (ft. Slightly!Older!Kaidou)

Kaidou always, always needs after sex cuddles. It helps relax him, quiet his insecurities and is equally as enjoyable as the sex in his opinion.

Kaidou is a big subby baby, and he needs cuddles for his aftercare or he can feel very rejected.

Do you remember the episode where Kaidou came last in every event of the physical fitness test, but came first in flexibility? Kaidou is extremely flexible and he loves to show it off in bed. He’s very proud of all the positions he can bend into. 

Kaidou loves dressing up in lingerie. He feels pretty and confident when he’s wearing lace lingerie. He looks best in pastel blue (it matches his hair), but honestly, he pulls off all pastel shades very well.

Along a similar vein, Kaidou finds it very embarrasing but very hot to look at himself in the mirror while you have sex. It requires a lot of praise though, as he can be quite insecure.

In heat, Kaidou is absolutely shameless. He will beg and plead and whine and nuzzle you to get you into his nest with him. 

Kaidou is weak to hickeys on his neck, especially around his scent glands. He doesn’t give many hickeys, but he is prone to leaving scratch marks on your back and shoulders. 

This man is very sensitive in a lot of areas. His nipples and the inside of his thighs are very soft and particularly sensitive.

He hates pain though. He is neither a masochist nor a sadist and thinks that pain has no place in love making. 

Kaidou likes a little bit of roleplay but he’s way to embarrassed to bring it up. You have to wait until you’ve been in a relationship with him for years before he feels comfortable enough to bring it up. He is interested in teacher/student and master/slave style roleplays. He enjoys playing the part of someone else, because it makes him feel more comfortable in embracing his sexuality outside his heat. 

“I’m-I’m coming out now. Don’t laugh, okay?”

You shook you head fondly. 

“I’m not going to laugh at you, baby. You always look gorgeous, don’t forget that.”

The bathroom door opened and Kaidou shuffled out, clad in the new pastel blue lingerie set you had ordered for him last week. 

You lost your breath just looking at him. 

He was wearing sheer knee socks with little bows, held up by the garter belt sitting snugly on his waist. On top, he was wearing a lacy bralette, completely see through of course. Your favourite piece however, was undoubtedly the little blue panties. You could see the fabric bulging, straining against his erection. Looking a little closer, you noticed a small damp spot. You grinned. For all his complaining, he certainly enjoyed this a lot. You haven’t even touched him yet. 

Kaidou shifted under your hungry gaze, feeling a little like your prey. He shivered at the thought. 

You moved to kneel on the ground before him, pressing wet, open mouth kisses over his thighs and tummy. Kaidou steadied himself by gripping onto your shoulders. You could feel his nails making small grooves in your skin. 

When you reached his chest, you began to suck and bite at his nipples through the lacey fabric, delighting in his moans and whimpers. He was always so sensitive for you. 

“So beautiful.” You panted, breathing heavily against him. 

“M’ not. Not beautiful.” Kaidou denied, eyes clenched shut.

You growled in response, biting him lightly on the shoulder. 

“Don’t you dare. You’re breath-taking, Shun. Stunning. Gorgeous. Perfect.” You emphasised every word with a suck or a bit on his neck. You wouldn’t stop until he learnt to love himself as much as you loved him. 

“Okay, baby, get on the bed. We have a long night ahead.” You made a point to crash your hips into his.  “I’m going to show you how beautiful you are.”

[desertdollranch]

Hello! After the posts you made about Molly, I went a little crazy, and spent all night thinking, looking at websites, zooming in on images, and all that other odd stuff. I think I might have figured out what the 2018 Molly thing was about.

So I think most people know that Felicity had a rather messy re-release in 2017. She was released with a very small collection: doll (with a new outfit), accessories, undergarments (which the website said could double as sleepwear), books, and a mini doll. She didn’t sell very well at all, seeing as she had no other outfits, and was retired pretty quickly.

This brings me to Molly. My theory is that they expected the re-release of Felicity to sell well, and planned for Molly to be the next mini-rerelease after her. After Felicity failed, they didn’t go through with it, and had to get rid of stock in bundles. I have a few points of evidence for this.

1. The collection. From what we’ve seen of Molly’s Costco bundle, her collection was a doll, accessories, pyjamas, books, and a mini doll. Exactly the same as Felicity.

2. Nanea. AG says that historical characters take years to research, so Nanea was in the making since 2015 (approximately). I highly doubt AG wanted two forties dolls with full collections, especially if they were released within a year of each other. This supports the idea that Molly was supposed to have a tiny collection.

3. Timeline. The Molly books were put up in 2018. This is very shortly after the 2017 nightmare, and more importantly, Felicity. The fact the Beforever Molly books say “Molly” at the top and not “Beforever” mean they were made in 2017, based on when that change occurred.

In summary, I’m basically convinced that if Felicity sold well, Molly would have had the same re-release as her, possibly in 2018. Thanks for reading my crazy ramblings!

Not as crazy as you think! Your points are spot-on. Felicity's re-release was absolutely not well-received and it makes sense that it would scare AG from trying the same thing again with Molly, especially if they had no plans to give her a collection besides pajamas and accessories. Kids weren't interested in a doll that has no collection to speak of, and has to wear the same outfit all the time. And with the pictures removed from her books, makes it a lot harder for younger readers to imagine what Felicity's world looked like. The narrative depends on the illustrations to explain what isn't adequately described, like the pattens that Felicity wears on her shoes to keep her shoes from getting muddy. Molly's books, with the pictures removed, would have the same problem.

I also wonder if Molly's release at Costco instead of directly through AG had something to do with the eye controversy. All those Molly dolls ended up being given the cheap plastic "new eyes" that were almost universally hated by adult collectors. Those eyes pointed downward and looked startled (kind of like the doll was utterly horrified at the ugly shoes you're wearing). They were also way more likely to be set in the sockets unevenly or to not close all the way. It was a huge controversy by the latter half of 2018, with an Instagram campaign and lots of petitions, and in January 2019 American Girl announced that they had heard the criticism and were going back to the better quality metal eyes.

Bundling all of Molly's BeForever collection together and just getting rid of it at a lower price would be a smart and sensible way to clear out all of the inventory in equal amounts. Because I'm sure AG realized that releasing Molly with the bad eyes would have made her a lot less appealing to adult collectors.

Maybe now that BeForever has come and gone, and after the success of the 35th anniversary dolls, American Girl will try again with Molly and do a few things differently. She'll have the better quality eyes, and books with pictures. At the very least. Giving her a collection would be nice, but then their neglect of currently available historical characters will be even more obvious than it is now. Josefina, Samantha, Kit, and Addy have no collections at all besides their accessories.

[marauderundercover]

Taking Chances Ch. 11: Blast from the Past (Siblings)

AO3

Prev

Swinging side by side with her father was an amazing experience. Marinette tried hard to stifle her laughter, figuring Batman wouldn’t appreciate it if word got around that the newest vigilante was a giggler. He swings to the next roof and pauses, Marinette frowning as he listens to something on his comm.

“Alright. All hands on deck. Robin, you’ll stay on the roof with Ladybird.” He instructs, Marinette frowns. Was he really sticking her younger brother on babysitting duty? And why couldn’t she go wherever it is he’s going?

“What’s happening?” She asks, crossing her arms.

“There are several crates of weapons and a few dozen armed men in a warehouse a mile out from here. You and Robin are going to stay on the roof to make sure no one leaves before the police arrive.” He instructs before turning and grappling away. Marinette frowns, but follows behind him. Does he really not think that she can handle herself? And she knows this is going to cause problems with Damian. He already doesn’t like her and now he has to stay with her. She watches as he swoops down into the warehouse and she lands silently on the roof.

“I do not appreciate this.” Robin says, stepping out of the shadows with crossed arms. Although she can’t see his eyes behind his mask, Marinette knows he’s glaring at her. She just rolls her eyes.

“I don’t either. I don’t need someone watching me 24/7. I can take care of myself.” She says, and with a sudden jolt, she realizes this is the first time he’s willingly speaking to her. The first time they’re talking and it’s to argue. Lovely.

“If you had simply stayed away, then I would have been allowed to follow Father. Instead, I am being punished for your insolence.” He adds. Is he going to lecture her the entire time Batman and the others are fighting in the warehouse, she thinks, raising an eyebrow. She starts to snark back, but a shadow moving behind him pulls her attention instead. Narrowing her eyes, she watches as a figure steps out of the shadow, a gun raised at her.

“Well well well. What do we have here?” The man asks, a smirk on his face. Marinette glances at Robin, trying to see if he recognizes the voice. She doesn’t see any recognition, so she immediately catalogues the man as an unknown threat. Chances were that he was involved with the group currently fighting in the warehouse and not an actual Batman level villain. But he still had a gun, so she wouldn’t underestimate him. Robin turns to face the man and he immediately takes the gun off Marinette, pointing it instead at Robin’s head. Marinette narrows her eyes. She may not know him very well, but he was still her little brother. And she wasn’t about to let some stupid goon threaten him. Flicking her wrist, she aims her yoyo at the man’s gun, smirking as she manages to yank it from his grasp. She catches the gun as it flies back with her yoyo, holding it carefully and trying to ignore the internal panic. She’d never held a gun before, never wanted to or had a reason to. And she really didn’t want to hold it now, but she didn’t want the man to know that she was scared of the gun, because that would give him an advantage. She just grins at the dumbfounded look on the man’s face, his shock enough so that Robin was able to knock him down without a fight. He pulls a zip tie out of his utility belt and ties the man’s hands together.

“Well that was disappointing. I was hoping for more of a fight.” Marinette teases, hoping that the tension between her and Robin would break. She watches as his lips purse slightly, not sure what the expression meant.

“I hardly think one buffoon with a gun would be much of a fight for either of us.” He finally says, and her eyes light up. Success!

“But if it was the right foe, they could surely take you down.” A new voice says, and this time Marinette can practically feel the tension rolling off of Robin.

“Slade.” He says, obviously tensing for a fight.

“Damian. I wasn’t aware you were in possession of a Miraculous.” The man, Slade, says, turning towards her. Marinette stiffens, uncomfortable by both his words and the fact that she can’t see the man’s face because of his costume.

“I’m not in possession of anything.” He says, his jaw clenched. Marinette shifts into a defensive position, desperately wishing that she had a comm. Surely the rest of the family had heard this man’s intrusion through Robin. But she wished she could hear them. Whether it was giving information about the man or reassurance that the rest of them would be there soon, she wanted to hear them.

“Tell me, little girl, how did you stumble upon one of the most powerful pieces of magic in the universe? And why haven’t I met you before?” He asks, stepping towards them. Glaring at the man, Marinette steps forward so that she’s standing in line with Robin, unwilling to cower behind her brother.

“I don’t think we run in the same circles. And I assure you, I didn’t stumble across anything. I was chosen to wield this Miraculous.” She says, shoving false confidence in her tone when all she wanted was to grab Robin and run. Slade oozed a sense of wrongness and danger. Not a combination she wanted anywhere near her or her family.

“Mmm. Perhaps not. But we’ll never know, will we. I’m going to have to ask you for that Miraculous now, dear.” He says, her eyes narrow.

“I’m not sure if that’s worked for you in the past, but it’s not going to work today. You’re not the first creep in a mask asking for my Miraculous.” She snarks, hand twitching as she analyzes him and tries to come up with a plan. Without any warning, he lunges towards them, a sword suddenly in his grasp. Marinette jumps back, going on the defense as Robin lunges forward with his own katana. Marinette flits around both of them, throwing her yoyo at Slade every time he got too close to Robin. It was obvious the man was well trained, and it was also obvious that he had little patience for the two.

“You’ve improved, but you’re still not good enough.” He hisses, lunging towards Robin, his sword aimed at the boy’s chest. Marinette lunges towards them, shoving Robin out of the way. She shrieks in pain as Slade slides his sword into her shoulder. She can’t see the man’s face, but she can just imagine his smirk. He puts his other hand on his sword, and she just knows he’s going to twist. She can’t let that happen. So instead, she jerks back, screaming as she pulls herself off the sword. Robin launches himself at Slade once again, furiously slashing at the man. Slade lifts his sword up and Marinette flicks out her yoyo, grunting in pain as she irritates her shoulder. But she’s able to wrap her yoyo around the man’s wrist. Smirking, she tugs roughly, pulling the man off balance enough so that Robin can disarm him. Just as she lets her shoulders relax, Slade yanks his arm, tugging her to him. She yelps in pain as he wraps her into a chokehold. Staring at Robin, she tries not to panic. They’re gonna come for them, right? The rest of her family? Surely they’ve beaten those goons by now. They definitely heard the problem on the roof through Robin’s comm, right?

“Unhand her.” Robin says, shifting his position now that he has two swords.

“I don’t think I will. Not for free, anyway. You want her alive for some reason.” Slade says, tightening his hold. Marinette lets out a choked breath, desperately trying to pull in enough oxygen.

“What do you want?” Robin asks, Marinette tries to shake her head, already guessing what the man wants. She’d rather die than give some psycho the power of Tikki. Not only could he destroy the world, but Paris would also be lost without the Miraculous Cure.

“Her earrings. Let me take them, and I’ll let her live….this time.” He says.

“No….don’t...not..worth it.” Marinette manages to say, just barely able to shake her head. She gags as Slade tightens his grip again, black spots dotting her vision.

“Ladybird-” Robin says, and Marinette is certain she’s hallucinating now. Because he almost sounds pained.

“Don’t.” She begs, fighting to stay conscious. As she watches him, she sees a smirk make its way onto his face. That’s good. Good. Smirking brother means….what does it mean? She’s not sure. All she knows is that suddenly, the pressure on her neck is gone. She falls to her knees, gasping for breath and wincing at the burning in her shoulder. Too much. Too much all at once. A hand on her good shoulder shakes her from her thoughts and she weakly hits at it.

“Ladybird, it’s me.” A voice says. She blinks, opening her eyes, wincing at the pain enveloping her. Looking closer at the figure, she sighs in relief, letting herself slump down. She’s safe. Arms pick her up gently and she smiles softly, tiredness hitting her as the adrenaline finally fades. Curling in closer, she mumbles into Batman’s chest.

“Thanks dad.”

---

Bruce Wayne was pissed. And the only person who could piss him off so much was himself. He’d left Damian and Marinette on the roof alone because he thought they’d be safer. He didn’t think the two would be able to get into any trouble up there. Of course he would be wrong. Of course Slade Wilson would choose tonight to come after Damian. And of course the man just had to know about the Miraculous.

Hearing his daughter’s pained screams over his son’s comm would haunt his nightmares. It’d likely become the unholy symphony over the images of Jason’s broken body and Damian’s limp form. Images that’d haunted him for years and would continue to do so until he dies. When he was young, his nightmares were just of his parents. But he had seen things much worse since becoming a father. And now he’d heard much worse. Shaking his head, he tries hard to hold onto the one bright part of the evening.

Marinette had called him dad.

It was the first time she’d called him anything other than ‘Mr. Wayne’. His heart warmed at the thought, but everything came crashing down again when he remembered. Slade Wilson was gone. He’d managed to get away while his focus was on Marinette’s wellbeing. Which means his daughter was now in even more danger. Damian had informed him of the man’s obsession with the Miraculous. It was something they’d need to talk about, but not tonight. After she passed out in his arms, he brought her back to the manor. Alfred stitched her shoulder, and Bruce brought her to her room. It wasn’t decorated yet, but he’d made sure to pick out a room for her after finding out about her. Even if she didn’t want anything to do with them after this, she’d always have a room here.

Sighing, Bruce sticks his head into Marinette’s room, just to reassure himself that she was there. That she was safe. It was something he did with each of his kids, every time they were injured. Every time he was afraid that he would lose them. The sight in front of him makes him pause and pull out his phone to take a picture. They might be mad at him for it later, but he’d curse himself forever if he let this moment slip away. All of his children were piled in Marinette’s room. The girl herself was on the bed, curled into a ball despite her injured shoulder. At the foot of her bed was Damian, his face peaceful for once. Jason, Dick and Tim were all in a pile on the floor, pillows and blankets scattered both beneath them and on top of them. They were an impossibly tangled pile of limbs, guarding their youngest sister. He smiles softly, eyes finally falling on Cass curled up in an armchair that she must’ve pulled next to Marinette’s bed. Satisfied that all were well, Bruce shuts the door gently, not wanting to risk waking any of them.

His children were together, and safe. For now.

Next

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[drummergirl231-2]

I’m really curious about what would be next for May and June.

Since the show is over, this ^ is technically all we’re going to get, but ya know... fanfiction brain.

I couldn’t help but notice while re-watching the finale that almost all the lines about wanting answers as to why they exist were given to May.

And almost all the lines about wanting family were given to June. 

In this way, they each embodied a different desire of Webby’s: to have answers about her origins, and to belong to a family. 

Further examples from May’s lines:

“If we learn everything about you, maybe we can figure out why F.O.W.L. made us!” “Webby, we’ll never get answers about who we are from those people, and neither will you.” “This is the only way to get answers. Director Buzzard left us behind and said if we brought him the Missing Mysteries, he’d tell us everything... the truth about us! Don’t you wanna to know?  “Your name is whatever he says it is because he created us all and we are THIS close to learning why!” “Focus! It’s almost over. We gotta keep these guys on lockdown so that we can win, and learn all our secrets, and then Heron and Buzzard will be so, so proud of us!” “That’s why we were made? So Bradford could find some dumb piece of paper and get rid of us?!”

Meanwhile, June’s lines revealed she’s far more family-oriented. 

“May says we’re not related to any of these people.”  “Come with us, sister! Please?” “WE WANTED YOU TO BE OUR SISTER! WHY’D YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT SO DIFFICULT?!?” “They’re so sweet! Family together, just like us!” “HI MOMMY!” “MOM! NOOO!”

Even in this moment when they shared one sentence, June’s half was focused on Heron - the only “mother,” she ever knew - being gone, and May’s half was about not knowing her purpose.

All that being said, it’d be fascinating to speculate how the two would adjust to being part of Clan McDuck. I think this moment could be a big hint.

June was so touched by Webby’s speech about family, and immediately smiled when Webby included her and May in her list of family members. Meanwhile, May still looked devastated.

At the end of the day, June will be getting what she craved most - a family that loves her. But May’s heart’s desire was to discover why she was created. The trouble is... she didn’t like what she found out. Who would? Her dream came true and it turned out to be a nightmare. 

This could make her cynical about June’s dream, as well. She may struggle with trust, and have a much harder time adjusting to life with a family... not that it’ll be easy for June, either. 

Despite appearing to be the same age as Webby, they were only created a few weeks or months prior and then artificially aged.

Their young chronological age, coupled with not being loved and nurtured at all, has left them immature for their physical age. 

For example, June deciding it was okay and even helpful to start wrecking Webby’s board, something she treasures and that she’s worked so hard on, without even asking, is something I would expect from a child 5-7 years old (based on my childhood experiences involving younger friends or playdates with no malicious intent thinking that cutting or ripping up my stuff was okay or helpful). 

In May and June, the brain development that occurs in children through nurture hasn’t happened. They haven’t been shown affection by those they consider their parents. They haven’t been taught right from wrong, or appropriate from inappropriate. They haven’t been disciplined in a healthy way when they do something bad. 

To sum up... they are both developmentally advanced, and developmentally delayed. Chronologically, they’re only a few weeks or months out from their conception. Physically, they’re 11 or 12. Emotionally, they’re about half that. 

I can definitely imagine them having some behavioral problems going forward, especially given the trauma they’ve both recently experienced, and the verbal and emotional abuse they received before that. 

These two are so lucky to be in Donald’s care, and I’m sure Daisy will love them, too. There’s just so much they’re going to have to get used to, and then once Donald and Daisy inevitably get married, they’ll have to adjust to that new situation, too. There are bound to be conflicts with the other children, and the adults might not always know the best thing to say or do to guide them or help them heal.

But gosh darn it, you know this fam is going to make it work and show these girls the love and devotion they need. And I’m sad we won’t get to see it, but we can imagine, at least.

[mochegato]

Even the Losers

Chapter 13

Chapter 1     Chapter 12

“You ready for this?” Dick asked flashing a charming, boyish grin that Marinette imagined many people had trouble saying no to.  She was not one of those people.  If she could say no to Adrien’s most charming, sappy, kitten eyes trained on her and Tikki’s most wide eyed, imploring, big blue eyes begging for cookies after a ‘grueling’ day wrangling the other kwami, she could say no to Dick’s blue eyes.  It wasn’t even a contest.

However, she currently had no interest in saying no. She was actually really excited to swing on the trapeze with him… or alone, really at all.  A bright smile spread across her face as she took in their trapeze rig.  She’d never been on a trapeze, but she was hoping it would be like swinging on her yoyo. She and Adrien had put their superhero days behind them.  They still wore their miraculous and of course she still had her guardian duties, but they didn’t transform anymore, preferring to move on from the painful memories and impossible balance.  They loved being heroes but the strain it put on relationships, the lies, the responsibility… they never regretted their decision.  

Wonder Woman knew how to get in touch with them should their services ever be absolutely necessary, but short of that, they were out.  So this was the closest she was going to get to that feeling ever again, short of a world ending event, in which case, she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it anyway.

But this, she looked at the rigging again, this was going to be great.  She turned to Dick, her bright smile spreading even wider and her eyes gleaming. “Absolutely!”  She gripped her bag tighter then actually took in what Dick was wearing, tight tank top and bike shorts, and looked down at her own street clothes in realization.  “Well, I mean not right now.  I need to change,” she motioned to herself, “but as soon as I change I will be.”

Dick nodded and opened his mouth to say something but Bruce stepped in before he could say anything.  “Good to see you again, Marinette.”  He leaned in to do a la bise.  He mentally congratulated himself for their first not awkward greeting. It was definite progress.  “Let me show you where you can change.”

Marinette nodded and walked in the direction he indicated.  She looked back over her shoulder to smile at Dick, but he was already turned around and focusing on checking the rigging.  “How was New York?” Bruce asked, bringing her attention back to the two of them.

“New York was good.  It was a good meeting.  Mrs. Bourgeois wanted to speak with me personally about styling the shoot. I was originally scheduled to speak with an associate editor.  I can’t imagine what changed in the last three weeks or so,” she joked with a smile at M. Wayne.

Bruce sighed and gave a resigned nod.  “Yeah, once people find out, they can change the way they treat you.”

Marinette nodded, looking away in thought.  “It was so strange.  I’ve known her for years and all of a sudden she was trying to be nice.”  She shuddered slightly.  “That woman has never been nice a day in her life.  Honestly, one of the creepiest feelings I’ve ever had.”

Bruce grimaced at Marinette’s first brush with being treated differently.  “Sorry about that.  I should warn you… we should sit down sometime and discuss security and social changes.  People are going to do that now, want to get close to you because of your name.  Not that you aren’t worth knowing without it!” he rushed to assure her once he realize what he said.  “I just mean…”

“I understand,” Marinette cut him off kindly. “I have quite a few famous friends or friends with famous parents.  I’ve seen how people try to get close to them because of that.  I’ve even had people try to get close to me in order to get closer to them.”  She rolled her eyes at the memories of the desperate people trying to flatter her and just dropping in mention of Adrien or Jagged.

Bruce looked at her sympathetically.  “Sorry you had to deal with that.”

Marinette laughed at his apology.  She laughed loud enough for it to echo off the walls of the hallway.  The absurdity of thinking that was something to apologize for.  That those experiences even registered on her hurt scale.  “Don’t be ridiculous.  None of that was your fault.  They weren’t even bad.  It was something for us to laugh about.”

Bruce gave her a small smile.  “Hopefully it stays that way.”  He stopped walking and motioned to a room.  “This is your room.”

Marinette waited for the ‘while you’re here’ or ‘while you’re changing’, but they never came.  And there was something off with the way he said it, a gravity that didn’t belong there.  She looked between Bruce and the room a few times and pushed the door open.  Like the rest of the house, the room was luxurious. Only the finest furniture and decorations.  The room was filled with pink, silver, grey, and white.  Everything coordinated and elegant.  She was almost afraid to walk into the room lest she damage any of it.

She walked into the room timidly and tried to take in all the details.  She scanned the room and gasped, her body going rigid, as her eyes rested on a crib against the far wall.  She walked slowly toward the crib, almost like she was in a trance.  Her eyes ran over the crib.  There were still stuffed animals in it.  It was almost like it hadn’t been touched in decades and except for the lack of dust in the room, she would believe it.

“I couldn’t…” Bruce started coming up behind her, “I could never bring myself to tear it down.”  Marinette looked up at him wide eyed.  She was too shocked to say anything.  Her eyes moved to the bookshelf next to the crib.  It was filled with children’s books and baby toys. “I can… I mean we can change it if you’d like.”  His face wrinkled as he forced the words out.  “I know it isn’t exactly,” he paused looking for the words. “I know it isn’t exactly an ideal room for a young woman.”

He sighed and looked around the room.  He made his way over to a nightstand and picked up the framed picture standing on it.  He sat on the bed still holding the frame.  The luxurious bed sagged under him as if it was accustomed to his weight there.  “For a while, it was the only part of you I still had.”

Marinette looked back at him, her lips parting in surprise at his admission.  “Did I spend time here?” she asked quietly, almost too quietly for him to hear.

Bruce nodded.  “You did.  The grey cat stuffie was your favorite, MaoMao.”  He looked up at her with a bittersweet smile.  “You loved chewing on his ears.”

Marinette slowly walked over and sat next to him on the bed.  She looked at the picture he was holding.  He noticed her interest and held it out for her to take.  Marinette took it, almost fearfully.  She didn’t know what exactly she was afraid of, more knowledge?  New knowledge?  Everything changing yet again.  Everything had been in constant flux for the past two weeks.  She wanted things to settle but she needed to know more.

She looked at the image and immediately brought her hand to her mouth, her eyes already tearing up.  The picture was of a much younger Bruce Wayne holding baby her. The look in his eyes was absolutely enamored.  She was looking up at him with much the same expression, a wide, toothless grin on her face as she reached out for his face with one hand and clutched the stuffed cat to her chest with the other.  It was the stereotypical image of a happy family.  She ran her fingers over the image, trying to force herself to remember any part of that day, or any day here or with Bruce.

“That was out in the gardens behind the house.  There’s a little creek back there that you loved. You kept trying to work your way over to it.  Before you could walk, you’d crawl to it.  Before you could crawl, you’d scooch.  Before you could scooch, you’d roll.”  He chuckled as a far off look overtook his eyes.  “You were always very determined.”

“How much time did I spend here?” she asked.

Bruce let out a heavy sigh.  “Your mother brought you once a week for a few hours.”  He frowned.  “Then when you were about ten months old, you spent an entire month here… while your mother was in the hospital.”  Marinette whipped back to him, her eyes wide in surprise.  Bruce gave a small, pained smile.  “You two were caught in an attack that affected your building.  Sabine took the brunt of the damage for you two, but there were other kids…”

He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.  Marinette didn’t blame him.  She’d seen similar scenes in Paris, bodies strewn about, children’s bodies littering the street after an akuma attack.  Bodies she hadn’t been fast enough or good enough to save.  She’d had the luxury of knowing it wasn’t permanent and she could save them.  M. Wayne wouldn’t have had that.  

“I still have nightmares about it,” he admitted hoarsely.  She frowned at him in sympathy and laid her head on his shoulder.  He froze for half a second before relaxing and laying his head against hers.  “It’s why you left.  Sabine and I were never going to get married.  We both knew that.  So I would never be able to keep you close enough to protect you.  And if I couldn’t protect you by keeping you close…”

Marinette took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  She pursed her lips.  “Then you thought you’d do it by keeping a distance.”

Bruce nodded.  Marinette nodded too, but didn’t say anything.  There wasn’t much to say.  She understood the reasoning.  She understood making decisions based on nightmares.  She had experience with it.  The nightmares can seem so real, they have just as much effect on you as reality, sometimes more.  They can mess with you in a way reality can’t.  She understood all of it.  And it helped.  It didn’t make it okay.  It didn’t make the hurt go away.  It didn’t excuse not contacting her even after he made sure they were safe.  But it helped.

Bruce suddenly stood up awkwardly.  “Right well, Dick will be wondering where you are. I’ll just… get out of your way.”  He shuffled stiffly for a few seconds trying to figure out if he should give a hug or just leave.  He settled for a wooden pat on the back before retreating out of the room.

Marinette stared after him for a few seconds even after the door was closed before finally moving and slowly changing her clothes. She frowned at the room.  Would it be better to change the room to exorcise the memories, or keep it the way it was?  She really wasn’t sure.  She’d have to get to know M. Wayne better before she could have a hint at the right answer.

She left her room and looked up and down the hallway, trying to remember the way back to the gymnasium.  She made it to the end of the hall before she was lucky enough to run into someone.  She quirked her head to the side.  “I thought you didn’t live here.”

“I don’t,” Jason answered gruffly.  She raised an eyebrow at him.  “I’m grabbing a book.”  He held up his book as evidence of his claim.  She raised the other eyebrow but kept silent.  “I’m not here to see you on the trapeze.”

“I didn’t say you were,” she grinned.

“Shut up,” he looked away and ruffled her hair. She squawked an objection, making him smile.  He motioned for her to follow him and guided her to the gym.  “Just make sure you listen to Dickhead.”

Marinette rolled her eyes.  “Not going to lie, doing what I’m told isn’t my forte.”

“Hey!”  He looked suddenly very serious.  He moved closer until he was almost towering over her.  Marinette looked up at him wide eyed, caught off guard by the sudden change of mood.  “I’m the rule breaker around here.  Ask anyone. That’s my role.  Get your own.”

Marinette held her serious look for a few seconds before her entire body started shaking from the giggles she was trying to suppress. She pushed through the doors to the gym still giggling.  Jason huffed in mock annoyance and leaned against the doorframe.  Dick perked up at seeing them and made his way over with an excited smile.

“Whatever.  Just don’t wear that,” Jason motioned vaguely to her sports bra, tight tank top, and boy shorts, “around Roy.”

“You know Roy?” Dick asked with a frown.

“Why?  He going to give me a workout?” she asked Jason with a smirk.

“No!  He is not,” Dick exclaimed, face scrunching in distaste.

Jason shuddered and wrinkled his nose, making a gagging noise.  “No,” he said definitively.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up.”

Marinette gave him a mock concerned look, her eyes open wide in innocence.  “Oh no, Jason!  Are you not feeling well?  You really shouldn’t drive yourself home.  Should I call your partner to come get you?”

“Wait, how did you even meet Roy?” Dick tried again.

Jason narrowed his eyes at her.  “I hope you fall.”

“Jason!” Dick exclaimed, his expression suddenly serious.  “That’s not funny.”

Marinette cackled as Jason walked away.  Dick shook his head at her and moved them into the gym. “Okay, let’s warm up first.”  He got down on the padded floor and started stretching out encouraging Marinette to do the same.  He watched her in surprise as she was able to stretch incredibly well for a civilian.  She was better than most of his brothers.  “You’re really flexible.  Did you take classes?”

Marinette froze almost imperceptibly.  If Dick hadn’t spent the last twenty years analyzing body language in order to survive, he would have missed it.  She shrugged in an excellent imitation of nonchalance. “I sit behind a sewing machine for hours at a time so I make sure to stretch a lot.” She laughed lightly.  “Probably a lot more than I need to.”

Dick watched her for a few seconds before nodding.  “Right,” he said slowly.  He looked her over one more time.  “Well it’s working.”

Marinette gave him an overly wide smile.  “Thanks.”

Dick eyed her suspiciously again but got up and grabbed something off the wall.  “Now,” he held up a harness for her, “I’m going to hook up a harness.  It’ll keep you from falling too fast and help with the moves.”

Marinette frowned at the thought.  If she was hooked up, she wasn’t going to be able to fly like she wanted to.  It wouldn’t feel like she imagined, like she just now realized she needed.  She needed to feel the weight of gravity on her body pulling her down.  The harness was going to throw her weight off.  It was going to interfere with her movement.  “Can we try it without the harness?” she asked tentatively.

Dick frowned at the idea, clearly not comfortable with it.  She may have swung a few times with the heroes, but that wasn’t nearly enough to be safe on the trapeze.  Maybe he could convince her to wear the harness for the first few swings and she’d realize how helpful it was.  He looked back in her eyes and faltered.  She was looking at him with wide, hopeful, innocent eyes.  How was he supposed to say no to those eyes?  “I…” he sighed and looked down defeated.  “Do you know how to fall?”

Marinette gave him a deadpan look.  “I’m the world’s foremost expert at falling.”

Dick blinked a few times and gave the deadpan look back at her.  “That’s not making me feel better about not using the harness.”

“Can we try it?” she asked hopefully.  “Just a few swings to get a feel for it and if I’m falling too much, we can try the harness.”

Dick sighed and looked down.  It was the same logic he had been planning on trying, but she was using it against him.  He ran his hand over his face in defeat.  Yeah, she’d fit in the family perfectly.  He glanced over to see Bruce peeking in and his eyes widened in realization.  If he let Bruce’s daughter, his newly brought into his life daughter, get hurt, he’d never forgive Dick.  “Okay, here’s the thing,” he started giving her his most pleading eyes.  “If we do this without the harness and you fall, Bruce is going to skin me alive.”

Marinette gave him an understanding smile.  She laid a reassuring hand on his arm and Dick breathed a sigh of relief and waited for her to agree to the harness.  “I’d protect you, but you won’t need it.  We start slow and build up.  Trust me?”  She turned her hopeful eyes back at him but they were somehow even wider and more pleading.

Dick groaned.  “Fine.”

Marinette grinned brilliantly and jumped up and down in excitement.  “Thank you! Thank you!” She jumped at Dick to give him a hug.  Dick almost startled in surprise.  A family member that wanted hugs and gave them freely?  He hugged her tightly.  Yes, please.  Hopefully, everything would be fine and she was as good as she thought she was and nothing would happen and Bruce wouldn’t kill him, so he would be able to get more hugs in the future.

They climbed up on opposite sides and stood on the platforms facing each other.  Dick got into position and showed Marinette so she could do the same.  When she was positioned, he nodded and pushed off from the platform.  “Okay, let’s start with getting the rhythm.  It’s kind of like getting a swing into rhythm,” he explained.  “When you’re ready to try, go ahead and let go.”

Before he even finished his sentence, Marinette had pushed off and started pushing the bar into a matching rhythm.  Dick blinked a few times at how quickly and smoothly she’d gotten into a matching rhythm.  It was a skill people worked at for days, sometimes weeks.  Getting into a rhythm wasn’t incredibly difficult, most people got that somewhat quickly.  

It was maintaining the same rhythm and matching your partner’s rhythm that took time and training.  Honestly, if learning how to get the trapeze to swing smoothly was all she learned out of this time, he would have been impressed.  But she was already far past that.  She was swinging like it was second nature, like the physics of swinging and gravity were inherent.

“Good job,” he said a bit breathlessly.  “Ready to try a simple move?”

Marinette grinned back and nodded in understanding before remembering he wouldn’t always be able to see her.  She had to be very vocal about everything so he could react properly.  “Yes,” she called out loudly.

“Okay, when I say go, let go of your bar and hold out your arms for me to grab.”

“Okay,” Marinette called out.  She focused on maintaining her momentum and enjoying the way the air pushed back against her as she glided through it, the resistance creating a familiar feeling of a breeze against her skin.  The baby hairs around her hairline, the only hair free of her tight bun, were blowing back and forth as she moved.

As soon as she heard Dick say ‘go’, she let go and arched her back, reaching for him.  She free fell for only a moment before Dick caught her forearms in a strong grip.  She grabbed his forearms too in a tight grip and looked up to meet his eyes.  Their eyes met, exhilarated smiles on both their lips.  

Dick grinned in surprise at the success.  He’d been expecting her to fall, to be honest. The first time doing a catch almost always resulted in falling unless the person was well trained or well prepared, which he admittedly hadn’t done for Marinette.  It was a fumble of arms reaching and tangling, grasping for each other, but moving at the same time, trying to anticipate but guessing wrong. But she understood how to do a catch. She understood to trust her partner to catch her.

He grinned wider at what that meant; she trusted him!  His face suddenly turned serious.  “Okay, here’s the tricky part.  I’m going to count to three.  When I say three, I’m going to let go.  You’ll need to twist around and grab the bar.”

Marinette’s expression turned serious as well, though her eyes still sparkled with delight.  “Understood.”

Dick nodded.  “One… two… three.”  He let go on three and Marinette twisted in time to grab the bar, both of them frozen for a moment in weightlessness while she waited for gravity to take over.

She swung away from Dick but quickly flipped on the bar so she was facing him again.  Dick chuckled and shook his head.  “Let’s get more complex, what do you think?”

Marinette’s grin got wider and her eyes impossibly brighter.  “Yes, please.”

Dick laughed loudly, his laughter echoing off the walls, her laughter quickly joining his.  They swung together for almost half an hour, trying increasingly difficult tricks until they finally got to one Marinette couldn’t do.  Dick’s eyes widened in surprise as she fell in front of his eyes.  He was so accustomed to her keeping up with him, it was a shock when she didn’t.  His heart started pounding and he scrambled to get back to the platform until he heard Marinette’s giggles.  He looked down and saw her bounding across the bouncy net toward the ladder.

When she got to the platform she looked over at him with a grin.  “Try it again?”

Dick grinned at her and flipped back over on his bar.  “Let’s go then.”

The trick ended in the same result, but Dick joined her in the net on purpose this time.  “Maybe try to build up to that?” Dick suggested.  

Marinette nodded as she tried to catch her breath. “Sounds fun.”

“Did you want to try it on your own?” Dick offered. “You seem like you’re comfortable up there.”

Marinette’s eyes widened in excited surprise.  “Really!”

Dick chuckled and nodded.  “Have at it.”

Marinette bounced back over to the ladder and quickly made her way to the bar.  She started swinging and twisting on it, using the zero gravity to do solo tricks. Dick was so engrossed in her performance he almost forgot to get out of the net.  She was so graceful and elegant, like she knew exactly what gravity was going to do down to the millimeter.  It wasn’t at his level, she clearly hadn’t been trained.  But she was also clearly not a novice.

After a while she fell down into the net again breathing heavily.  She grinned at Dick.  “That was amazing.  Thank you! I didn’t realize how much I needed that.”

Dick helped her down from the net, immediately returning the hug she gave him before he could set her down.  “I had fun too.  Anytime you want to use it, feel free.  Just come on over.”

Marinette gave him a small nod.  Her smile still hadn’t died down at all.  “Let’s cool down.” Dick motioned toward the padded mat again.  He and Marinette sat across from each other and started stretching again.  Dick watched her as she stretched, that spark never leaving her eyes.  He knew the feeling well, that felling you get from flying, the freedom, the release.

Images of her growing up with them, him being able to teach her trapeze from the time she was a baby ran through his head. Fantasies of being a big brother to her, keeping her safe, teaching her, sharing the feeling of flying together… all of it gone.  No chance to happen.  Because Bruce walked away from her and straight to him.

“I’m sorry.”  His voice was heavy, weighted down with guilt.

Marinette quirked her head to the side and blinked a few times.  Her mind raced trying to figure out what he could possibly be referring to.  “Did something happen?”

Dick shook his head, his eyes narrowed slightly as he tried to figure out how to say what he was feeling.  “I.. I’m… he… I was the one he took in after…”

Marinette’s eyes softened immediately.  She laid a hand on Dick’s arm.  “Dick,” she started softly.  “You don’t have to apologize for getting adopted, for finding a home where you felt safe and loved.  You didn’t do anything wrong,” she assured him.

Dick searched her eyes for any evidence she didn’t believe what she was saying, but there was only sincerity and a touch of bittersweetness.  “Neither did you.”  His voice was sure and supportive.  His eyes bored into her, pushing against her boundaries.

Marinette looked away quickly.  She hummed noncommittally.  “Except going to the gala,” she said wryly.  “I should have just let Adrien take care of it.  As soon as I found out I should have…” she trailed off, unsure how to end it.

Dick moved closer to her and threw his arm over her shoulder, pulling her against his side.  “But then we wouldn’t have met for who knows how long,” he offered with a bright smile.

Marinette let out a heavy breath and smiled at how hard he was trying.  She looked back up at him from the corner of her eye.  “And what a shame that would be.”

Dick’s grin got wider.  “Exactly!”  He hugged her closer for a few moments as the smile slowly faded from his face.  “I just want to let you know I’m here for you.  I'm sure this is really overwhelming and Bruce has never been good with conveying... or feeling... emotions.  But if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here.”

He moved away so he could see her more clearly. “I missed out on being your big brother growing up and we’ll never get that time back.  And to be honest, I’m extremely upset with Bruce about that. But I’d like to make up for that lost time now.  So if you need anything, I’m here.  You want anything, I’m here.  You want to talk, I’m here.  You want to yell or scream at somebody, I’m here.  If you have a problem you need help with, I’m here.  I’m not going anywhere.”

Marinette looked up at him in surprise.  She blinked a few times uncertain what to say.  “I…”  She closed her mouth quickly, still not sure how to finish the sentence.  After a few moments she smiled softly at him.  “Thank you, Dick.”

Dick pulled her in for another hug, enjoying the feeling of her reciprocating.  Maybe she could show their other siblings how to do that without it being a life threatening situation.  Dick grinned widely as he squeezed her tight and rested his head on hers.  “Or if you just want a hug.  To tell you a secret, I give the best hugs in the family.”

Marinette scoffed playfully as she pulled away from him.  “I don’t know, Jason gives good hugs.”

Dick snapped his eyes to hers.  “Jason gives hugs!”

They almost jumped with Bruce walked in with a wide smile.  “How was it?”  He watched them with a smile as they stood together and stayed close after rising.  It was absolutely no surprise that Dick was able to get so close to her so quickly, but it was still reassuring to see it.

“It was amazing!” Marinette enthused.  “I had so much fun!  I can’t wait to do it again.”

Bruce smiled.  “Any time you want,” he promised.  “Any time you want to come over, feel free.  No need to call first.”  He paused for a moment.  “Although maybe not in the middle of the night.  “It would wake Alfred up.  He’d be more than happy to let you in but we already put him through so much.”

Marinette smiled and chuckled.  “I understand.  I’ll keep the visits to the daytime.”  She looked up just in time to see Dick giving Bruce a significant look.  Dick played it off with a wide smile that Marinette pretended to buy.  She also pretended not to notice the look Bruce gave him back.  She shuffled a few times before looking quietly between them. “Um… I’ll just… I’m going to take a shower and change back.”

Bruce nodded with a soft smile.  The smile was so convincing, Marinette would never have thought anything suspicious was going on if she hadn’t seen the look they gave each other… immediately after Dick spent the afternoon with her.  “You know the way back to your room?”

Marinette nodded rapidly.  “Of course.  Thank you.” She turned to Dick again.  “And thank you.  This was a lot of fun.”

Dick shook his head with a smile.  “You don’t have to thank me, Marinette.  I wanted to spend time with you.  I look forward to doing it again.”

Marinette nodded to him and left the room as quickly as she could without drawing suspicion.  As soon as she was out of eyesight, she speed walked back to the room, closing the door quickly behind her.  She leaned against the door and banged her head against it lightly a few times. It was okay, she tried to reassure herself.  They didn’t know her yet, of course they would have secrets and want to talk about what they learned about her.  She knew that.  But it still hurt.

As soon as Marinette was out of ear shot, Bruce turned back to Dick.  “How did she do?”

“She’s done that before,” Dick reported to Bruce, keeping his voice low so Marinette couldn’t hear him.

“We knew that,” Bruce answered just as quietly. “She said the heroes took her around sometimes.”  He pursed his lips tightly at the thought.  Even knowing nothing happened, he wasn’t happy about it.  The only thing he could think of was all the things that could have happened to her if their villain would have found out.

“No,” Dick cut in before Bruce could brood too hard. “She’s done something similar enough to be comfortable with it, enough that she soared, she flew.  Enough that her body instantly fell into the rhythm, into trusting someone else to catch her.  Those things are learned, Bruce.  I think she had a closer relationship with the heroes than we think she did.”

Bruce narrowed his eyes at Dick, processing his words.  He nodded and looked back to the hallway Marinette had disappeared down.  “The heroes disappeared.  Diana said she can’t even contact them anymore.  Marinette’s the only one who can tell us more.”

Dick nodded.  “I’ll see what I can do when we get together on Monday for Duke’s reading.”

“Carefully,” Bruce cautioned.  He glanced over to catch Dick’s flat look.  “I don’t want to push her.  She’s your sister.  She’s family, not a source.  She’s not a suspect.  She’s not even a victim.  We don’t need this information.  It would be nice to know, but we can live without it.  She’s allowed her privacy.  Plus she’s smart.  You start asking questions, she’s going to get suspicious and may get upset we’re digging into things she doesn’t want to talk about.”

“I know how to talk to people, Bruce,” Dick scoffed. “I’m better at talking to your kids than you are, if you recall.”

“I’m well aware,” Bruce conceded.  “I just… I don’t want to upset her.  She’s allowed her privacy.”

“And I’ll respect that.  And her,” Dick assured him.  He paused for a few seconds before he broached the next subject.  It was going to be delicate, one that neither of them wanted to consider.  “So the question is, if she did have a closer relationship with the Parisian heroes, when did her relationship with Adrien start.  And why.”

Bruce furrowed his brow.  “You think he started it because he knew she was close to the heroes? You think he was working with his father?”  He stared intently at Dick trying to gauge how serious he was about this.  “It doesn’t make sense for him to still be with her if that’s all it was.  And Ladybug told Wonder Woman Adrien was not involved,” Bruce said quietly.  “She vouched for him.”

“And we trust her word?” Dick asked in the same tone.

Bruce paused as he thought about it.  They really didn’t know Ladybug at all.  She’d disappeared after the last fight and only Wonder Woman seemed to have had any contact with her, and limited contact at that.  The League had never gotten the chance to gauge her competence in areas outside of fighting.  “She said he helped give evidence to take his father down,” he started tentatively.

“But…” Dick prompted.

Bruce let out a deep sigh.  This was not going to go over well with Marinette, but if Adrien was using her, they needed to know.  “But it could be a cover.  We don’t know enough to completely excuse him and we don’t know enough about Ladybug or Marinette to know how good of a judge they are.”

Dick nodded.  “We proceed with caution.”

“Extreme caution,” Bruce stressed.  “You heard how she talked about him at dinner.  She’s very protective of him.  Questioning Adrien is going to take more delicacy and tact than questioning her, I think.”

Dick nodded and looked down the hallway toward her room.  He would have to spend the next few days doing research before they met up on Monday.

Chapter 14

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[phoenixyfriend]

Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak​.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death,  I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says  “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and  Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia:  I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo