#[ apparently farting still makes tom laugh from time to time ]

[hatestosleep]

@lovestoofew​ asked:  📞 + 😳  |  an embarrassing voicemail  (meme)

there are muffled noises, and tom’s voice can be heard in the background. this is obviously a butt-dial. about a minute passes before there’s a sound that is much louder than everything else. “fffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufrt” light, barely audible laughter is elicited from tom before he apologizes to the other party in the room. a text message comes in, and he pulls his phone out to check it. “ohshit,” tom mumbles, before abruptly ending the call.

[milk-luvr-dot-com]

“A New Assistant” - The Thick Of It - Chapter 3

Summary: Nicola juggles a grieving redhead and a moronic, neurotic press advisor. Ivy and Malcolm have a falling out.

Word Count (this chapter): 5108

Rating: Mature (For adult situations, language)

Warnings: No Ao3 Warnings, Explicit Language, homophobic language, fatphobic language, sexist language, ablest language, implied/referenced past abuse

Categories: F/M, Gen

Tags: Falling in love, crushes, comedy, slow burn, explicit language, original  female characters, AU - canon divergence, mutual pining, friendship, friends to lovers, angst, implied/referenced past abuse, additional tags to be added

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Full chapter and Ao3 link under the cut.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24510592/chapters/59509222

Ivy and Malcolm walked down the halls of the hotel, briskly, and popping along the way to say hello to mindless news people and other members of the cabinet, who were all nervously preparing and memorizing speeches. Ivy wasn't sure why Malcolm had invited her. She was gonna be like a bump on a log the whole weekend, since she was still too new to fully deal with the press on her own. Maybe Malcolm saw it as a training opportunity. Maybe he just wanted to not deal with a bunch of bullshit this weekend. Maybe he just wanted to spend time with her.

The latter was what was actually true. Malcolm just wanted to spend time alone with Ivy. I mean, it wasn't weird to invite your assistant with you to the party conference, right? It wasn't weird to get a room with two twin beds. Right?

Well, actually. Touch of a problem with that. As sitcom as it is, when they opened the door to the room, there was only one bed. A queen size bed. It's as if the fucking people who booked the hotel were trying to tell them something. It was actually pretty likely, rather, because they both had recently pissed off one of the desk jockeys in the department. It wouldn't have been hard to make a quick last-minute change.

"You're actually fucking kidding me, right?" Malcolm said, massaging the bridge of his nose as they entered.

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"What? No. No, I'll just call and ask for a room change. Hang on." He set his small suitcase down and made his way over to the side of the bed with the phone. He sunk in immediately. The bed creaked dreadfully. He cringed.

She sat about 3/4 of the way down the bed on the opposite side of him.

"Hello, sorry, is it possible we could get a room change? You see it's just that-... Jesus Christ, you're kidding. FUCK!" He slammed the phone down, rubbing his face. She whipped her head around. "Hm?"

"They're completely booked. No other rooms."

"Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch, then." She shrugged, looking back and staring at the painting hanging on the wall above the dresser. It had blues coinciding with a dash of yellow, a close-up of a field of forget-me-not flowers. "Pretty painting."

Malcolm was lost in thought, staring at the neutral carpet grain that hadn't been changed since the 70s. "Huh?"

"That painting. It's pretty. I don't know the name of those flowers. And trust me, I've seen a lot of flowers, I used to work in the funeral industry."

He turned, shifting further down the bed. "They look familiar." Ivy looked over at him, confused. "My mother used to garden. I'd help her occasionally."

She smiled, in a snarky manner. "Malcolm Tucker's a poof."

"Shut up. Right," he clapped, rising. "We've got to get a wiggle on, we've got reporters to jack off."

She stood up as well, following him. "A wiggle on?"

"You know what I mean. Come on, come on, come on."

  They met up with some press people, among other friendly faces. It was still fairly early. T minus 2 hours until Nicola inevitably embarrasses herself.

"I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them." He pointed to one of his mates' ID badge photos. The bloke picked it up, looking at it briefly. "They've got Roy fucking Orbison doing that."

"I've heard he wasn't even blind." Ivy added, elbowing him. She was purposefully trying to embarrass him, as a joke. 

"Malcolm?" The woman who's badge read Angela Heaney inquired.

"Yeah?"

"Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today?"

"Oh, yeah, of course, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically I'm an underemployed fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, unspellchecked shit, fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers."

Ivy pressed her lips together, going wide eyed briefly to show her annoyance, albeit agreement. Angela began to explain, "Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech, they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not ONS."

Malcolm shot a look at Ivy, who immediately pretended to take a call, and walk off. "I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's nothing in that at all." He said.

"Nothing?"

"Nope, nothing. Catch you laters, alright?" He walked away, joining Ivy, who looked at him as soon as she said, "Whoever fucking leaked it is going to be leaking drool for the next six months after I've beat them into a shell of a human with a golf club. Fix it, or you'll hear worse from Malcolm. Right. Bye."

"Jesus. You're really hurling the colorful insults now."

She brushed past him, and began walking to their next destination. He followed. "Well, I learned from the best."

“Okay. So,” He clapped, “I need to phone the PM and tell him.”

“Uh, we could go up to the halls. No one’s up there.”

“Yes, right,” he pointed at her, “good. Get away from all these leeching journalists.” 

They took the lift up a couple levels. Ivy didn’t expect him to stay near the lifts. No, Malcolm liked pacing. She wasn’t sure if it was a nervous habit of his (because she wasn’t sure if Malcolm was ever nervous,) or if walking around just made him feel important. Either scenario was realistic.

They lurked around the halls. Ivy was pretty sure their room was nearby. Maybe she’d pressed the same button as before by muscle memory. She could hear background chatter from various rooms of important people cheersing and toasting for important causes. But it was mostly drowned out by Malcolm’s stern voice. Being honest with herself, Malcolm was more important than anyone in those rooms.

She expected to get ambushed at least once by some eavesdropping journalist, like Nicola did. Oh, who was she kidding, Malcolm wouldn’t let that happen. He’s got a stick far too up his arse for that. He was like a light sleeping soldier in a warzone with that sort of thing.

What they did get ambushed by, instead was the crack-addicted Timothee Chalamet (Or Olly, if you prefer,) and a ginger woman.

“Oh, hey, Malcolm, Ivy. How’s it hanging?”

“Like the Gardens of Babylon. Do you know where Lord Clarkham’s room is? I’m gonna go and try and stick his balls in his fucking trouser press.”

Ivy looked Olly up and down, then smirked sarcastically, “I see you’ve pulled.” She winked.

“Uh- look this is Julie Price. She is the people’s champion that Nicola is announcing in her speech.”

“Julie Price?” They both stopped in their tracks and turned, shaking hands gently with her.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Ivy cocked her head sympathetically. “It was a massive tragedy, bless you. Are you being looked after? Olly treating you well?”

“Oh- oh not bad, yeah.”

“You stick with Olly. He’s a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic Leo Sayer, there, but… Hey, could I have a picture taken with you?” He pulled out his phone, handing it to Ivy. “I’ve got a little collection of memories, you know. Mandela and stuff. Ivy, could you do the honors?”

“Mhm! Of course.” She stepped back. “Smile!” She said.

Julie flirtatiously hit Malcolm, calling him a stunner or something along those lines. Ivy took it as an opportunity to mischievously scowl at Olly. “You really are impressive. Hey, do you know who else is impressed by you? The PM.” He mentioned, grinning.

“He has a nice part in his speech where he’d be honored to introduce you and have you on. If, you’re up to that, that is.” She clasped her hands in front of her.

“B-But that might clash, a bit. Uh, you know because Nicola’s having her on.” Olly said, looking pathetic.

Julie excused herself to the restrooms. Olly clenched his fists, desperately trying to convince Malcolm otherwise. “Y-You can’t do that!”

“You gonna stamp your foot and slam the door to your bedroom next, little Timmy?” Ivy mocked.

“Boo-hoo, Olly. Can do, have done.”

“You want us to think of a whole entire new speech in 2 hours? 2 hours?”

“We don’t want you to do anything, but if you’d like to keep your reputation and probably your jobs, you will.”

“But that’s not fair!” He made a concerned face.

“Suck it up, fuckface. If she goes on with Nicola, she’ll be watched by 15 house-bound mouthbreathers. And the swelling ranks of the unemployed, who hate us, by the way. If she goes on with Tom, it’ll make 10:00 o’ clock news.”

“It’s for the greater good.”

“Yes, the greater good, thank you, Ivy.”

“Julie, hello. Feeling better?” Ivy smiled gently, yet falsely. “So, what’ll it be, Julie? Would you like to stick with Olly here, or do you want to run with Tom, or sorry-” She laughed, as if to seem sweet. “The PM, for your speech?”

“Uh.. I’m going with the big boys.”

“Great! Good, yes, the big boys.” Malcolm said.

“Oh, sorry Olly. It was lovely meeting you.”

“Right this way, we’ll introduce you to the PM.” They walked off, leaving Olly a pathetic begging loser. They walked down the hall, standing either side of Julie like bodyguards for organized crime. Malcolm began making light conversation.

“Are you in the hotel?”

“Oh yes.”

“Oh, lovely.”

“Well,” she chuckled, “I wouldn’t call it lovely.”

They laughed along. “Oh, John!” Ivy called the bearded bloke from earlier over, who looked like he was in a rush. But he was always that way, she guessed.

“This is John, the press organizer.”

“Yes, we’ve met before.”

“Oh, have you, lovely! Are you a texter?” At some point, Julie began fiddling with her phone, and appeared to be texting someone. Malcolm shot a look to Ivy, then glanced briefly at John. She nodded.

“I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“Excuse us for just a tick.” Ivy pinched the sleeve of John’s suit jacket, dragging him down the hall a bit. “Look, okay. I need you to just casually mention to Alan Dunn and…  I guess Lindsay Anorexi at The Mail, that the PM has commandeered Julie Price for his speech. Okay?”

She turned, but was cut off. “B-But that’s not strictly true, is it?”

“Yeah, and strictly come dancing isn’t strictly dancing, there’s also a bit at the beginning where an old man dribbles. So what?” She got in his face. She was going for intimidation, but it was clear John was uncomfortably turned on. So she guessed she’d settle for dominatrix.

“I-I don’t know what that means, but-”

 Just then, Glenn came hobbling down the hall like a washed-old Bradley Walsh look-alike in a Sainsbury’s cracker aisle. Ivy didn’t notice, but Malcolm sure did.

Glenn brushed past Ivy. “Oh, Glenn, I can see you’re a tad peeved.” He got in Malcolm’s face.

“I’m not having it, you’ve gone too far!”

“Get a grip, Glenn. I didn’t fucking cum in your fucking mouth.”

John began laughing, which caused Glenn to turn attention to both Ivy and him. “Are you in on this?”

“Nope, just following orders. Like a nazi guard.” He did the anti-semetic salute. “You’re not Jewish, are you?”

“...No?”

“Oh, good.”

“Ivy, can you take her?” She nodded. “Julie, if you could just step in there for a moment and have a chat with some lovely people. Have some tea and biscuits. We’ve got to deal with a um… internal issue. You do understand, don’t you? Good, go on.” She didn’t wait for a response, she just shoved her gently into the room.

“You,” Malcolm pointed at John, “fucking Henry the 8th’s lobotomized cousin, piss off and back to your sad job.”

John, did not in fact, piss off. The dank cream colored hallway slowly grew more lively with increasingly angry chatter paired nicely with erupting laughter from important people in important rooms. Like a fucking wine and cheese pairing. Malcolm and Glenn were bickering about Julie, which had an intermission with one of Malcolm’s famous quips, “Oh, shit, wow here’s the beige fucking power ranger now!”

Glenn continued, pushing harder each time. “We’re taking her back!”

Olly, John, and  Ivy began trying to diffuse the situation. She swore to herself this was the last time they were going to agree on anything. 

“Can we get a bit more sane about this?”

“Malcolm, calm down, please. Glenn, just fuck off and help glummy mummy write her new speech. Let it go!”

“Let’s not argue here!”

Glenn continued insisting, getting redder and redder with rage. Malcolm grew more and more annoyed. Ivy’s eyes widened, knowing this was going to get ugly quickly (well, actually, the ugliness had already peaked when both Olly and Glenn showed up at the same time.)

Then suddenly, it fucking happened. Ivy shut her eyes, cringing. John covered his mouth. Glenn went down, landing over Olly.

“Malcolm!” Ivy half-shouted, putting herself between Glenn and him in case it continued, her hands on his chest. He seemed to be over it, shaking out his fist in pain. 

“You hit me!” He whimpered out, kneeling on the floor.

“No! I did not hit you! You hurt yourself!” Malcolm lied, artfully. She lowered her arms, knowing the worst was over for now. “Respectfully, what the fuck sir!” She hurriedly whispered.

Glenn whined that he thought his nose was broken. “Noses can’t break, it's a myth.”

“What the fuck are you on about?”

Ivy went to go help, “lean forward, c’mon, mate. I used to be a barmaid, don’t worry, this isn’t the first suckerpunch to the nose I’ve dealt with. Does anyone have a towel? Good, good, yeah. Here you go.” She let him dab the wounded area. She sucked through her teeth, “It doesn’t look good.”

Malcolm told Olly to get him back to this room. Julie was dealt with by John, not very well, but still fine enough. “No one saw that?” He asked Ivy, who was the only other person who remained, and thankfully it was just her. Anyone else would likely have received another of the same if they happened to cross Malcolm. “No, no one. Fuck, Malcolm!”

He hurried off in the direction of their room. He opened the door, letting her in before slamming it back again. “Jesus fucking tapdancing Christ, Malcolm, you broke a man’s nose!”

“Oh, he’s fine.”

“It is so not fucking fine!” She stood there, shocked, choking on words coming out of her mouth. He sat down in the chair that faced the door, looking at her stoically. “Do you know what fucking makes this worse? Hm? This didn’t fucking help anything. Glenn and Olly and Nicola are all still going to be seething with rage at us for taking their fucking star player!”

“So what?”

“So fucking what? You’re actually kidding me. You’re so fucking caught up in the moment, so fucking primal like a tiger looking for it’s next meal. You don’t even fucking think of the future.” Ivy’s voice began breaking, on the verge of tears. “Do you know what all that career hopping taught me? It taught me I was fucking wrong. I was fucking wrong so many, many times. I was so fucking wrong to waste money on schools that got me no more happiness, I was so wrong to waste my remaining teenage years bunging around the cinemas with my friends instead of being at my bedridden mother’s side. And right now, I’m thinking I’m wrong in getting involved with you.”

He slapped the arms of the chair, getting up so fast. “THEN FUCKING LEAVE, IVY! I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU! I NEVER ASKED TO BE AROUND YOU 8 HOURS OF MY FUCKING DAY!” He stood over her. She backed off quickly into the skinny entryway of the room, touching the wall almost. Her eyes widened, out of fear. Making eye contact with him, she let tears begin dripping down her face. She covered her mouth, muffling whimpers of things like “please don’t hit me.”

Malcolm bit his lip, backing up, and pressing his back against the other wise of the entryway. He could have sworn his eyes felt wet with salty droplets, which refused to fall. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“What?”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Ivy.”

She stayed quiet for another minute, wiping away her tears, and sniffling. Strangely, she began chuckling. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, you stupid old man.”

He furrowed his brow, confused. "I'm gonna go apologize to Glenn for you."

"You don't have to." He covered his mouth, looking down, ashamed.

"I know." She said as she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a one-sided hug that didn't last more than a few seconds. He blushed, looking down at her, frozen. "Right, I'll be back later."

  "Jesus, Ivy!" Nicola shouted when she entered the room almost silently.

She didn't react. "You alright, Glenn?"

"I don't want to speak to you Ivy, sorry. Nor Malcolm."

"I think you should leave."

Ivy ignored her, turning to the bathroom door. "I've come to apologize, Glenn. On behalf of myself and Malcolm."

"Oh, what, 'cause Malcolm couldn't do it himself? Had to get his winged monkey to go out here and do it? Fly my pretties, fly!" Olly tacked on to the conversation, helping nothing.

She shot a look at Olly, before turning around and putting her hand on the door frame. "I'm really sorry, mate. Sorry he did that in the heat of the moment, you know? And I'm sorry I didn't stop it, it was really quite stupid and shortsighted of me. We're under a lot of pressure, right now, you know. It's a fucking war zone. We're soldiers, you gotta expect there's just a bit of friendly fire."

"Yeah."

"Good. Good. I would uh, hug you but I don't want to get any blood on my blouse. Shake on it?" She stuck out her hand, and he took it. The half-dried red liquid between their hands squelched disgustingly. She cringed.

Malcolm entered the hotel room, "How's the patient?"

"I'm fine, Malcolm. Just sore." He called out from the bathroom. Ivy ran her hand under water and dried it off with one of the fancy paper towels. "I've already apologized, sir."

Malcolm nodded, clapping and turning to Nicola and Olly. "Alright, so you've lost Julie. You've got a cavity the size of a prisoner's arsehole in your speech. Got a back-up plan?"

"We'll figure it out, thank you."

"Why don't we help you, hm? I mean, it is the least we could do." Ivy piped up.

"Yes, yes, yes, roll some tits up the flagpole and see if anyone gets wood."

"Christ. Okay, well, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday."

Ivy sat down on the couch behind Nicola's chair. Malcolm joined her. The couch was tiny, as was everything else in the room, so they were pretty close quarters. They didn't mind, but Malcolm didn't stay for long. Again, he liked to pace, and pace he did, like a caged tiger. Glenn joined the group, sitting in the remaining single seat. "He works really hard at planning his holidays." Glenn said.

"Fucking A+ quality sarcasm there that you're lobbing at 'em. Boom."

"I feel like I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist."

Everyone's cell phones chimed, all in sync. "Oh, shit." One of them said. "It's got out!" Another added. Olly sarcastically said, "No, I thought it was room service cold-calling."

"Who the fuck leaked it? No one saw it, right?" Ivy looked at Malcolm. He was preoccupied checking around the internet. "Fuck! It's on Rob Holt's blog! Okay, we need to get your people's champion out of this hotel, before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her."

"So we've got her back again?" Nicola asked.

"Jesus, don't be so sensitive about this!" Malcolm yelled.

"My fucking responsibility! Fuck the speech!" Nicola yelled also, slamming the door to the bathroom.

"Women! Women, huh? Slamming the fucking door. Where did this idea come from? Wilma! Fuck off." He spat.

She called out to him, "I'm making a phone call."

"Make a phone call, phone a fucking friend." He collapsed next to Ivy again into the couch.

"Women," Ivy mocked in a nasty tone. "Okay, Fred Flintstone."

"Shut up." He smiled, looking at her softly. She giggled.

"God, get a room you two." Olly said, without looking up, continuing to type.

"We have a room, sod off and write your mummy's speech." She squinted at him, crossly

"Ivy, we should go back and get ready for the stupid banquet thing." He touched her shoulder, which caught her off guard. Normally she instigated physical contact. "Right you are, yeah."

  They joined some reporters to have wine and break bread in fancy dress. Malcolm dawned a bow tie, which Ivy made mental note of to make fun of later. Glenn had joined them, feeling a bit better, and no longer bleeding.

"Have a bit more, Glenn, go on." Malcolm poured him a bit more. "Watch your step, though, don't go tripping up again."

"Absolutely." They laughed along.

Angela, same reporter as earlier, piped up. "D-Day. What is it, Malcolm? I thought you were one of the boxers, not the emcee."

"No, I've just got to rear my ugly head, as you would have it, at a few receptions this evening. Including the Rod Hughes do for Tom. Believe me, I'd rather slip into something more comfortable. Like a coma." Again, they laughed along.

The same woman continued, "Malcolm, you've started beating up your own guys. That has to be a bad sign."

"Oh, he didn't hit Glenn," Ivy swiped with her hand, smiling, defending him. "No, I didn't. Why would I do that? And there's no proof that I did."

"Yeah, whatever you say, Malcolm," she chuckled.

"Watch," He threw a fake punch "he doesn't flinch."

"Malcolm wouldn't hurt a fly, and trust me, I'd know, because I've had to roll up Sunday's paper and whap a few in his office for him." Ivy said, grinning.

"We're pals, I mean," He went to go stand next to him, "Look at the size of this guy, I wouldn't hit him. Look, he's a fucking man-mountain!"

"Are you calling me fat?" Glenn jokingly attacked back.

"Heh, that's the banter."

They continued for a few more moments. The conversation was slowing, like a dying fireplace on Christmas eve. Malcolm gave Ivy a look, which said "we've got to get going," and they excused themselves. Once they rounded the corner into the halls once again, they saw John, the fucking idiot, from earlier. They stopped, and Malcolm shoved him into a room. Ivy was a bit concerned, considering that she didn't know who's room that was. She figured she might follow them, eavesdropping on their conversation. Maybe she'd pick up a few classic Tucker scare tactics.

She heard something about tweezers from the twat, something about bullocks, and then finally, she heard Malcolm answer his phone, announcing that Julie was the leak. Something about Twitter.

Malcolm opened the door quickly after that, which startled Ivy half to death. "Were you listening in?"

"Of course I was, I wasn't just going to sit outside the door waiting for you like some primary schooler waiting for her mummy, all arms crossed and lunch box in hand."

He raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly, "...So, anyway, Julie's the leaker."

"I know."

"Well how'd you know, I only found out a minute ago?!" They left the room, almost running into a maid on their way out. He looked at her. "Oh, listening in, right. Sorry, I forgot."

"You're as daft as a goat sometimes, you know, Malcolm?" She teased.

"Shush."

Malcolm and Ivy went to Glenn's room, where the 3 fuckheads of DoSAC were increasingly panicking, trying to finish Nicola's speech while she memorized it.

"Squeeze my cock and call me Nancy," Malcolm announced, pushing open the door to the room and inviting himself inside. "Were you born in a barn, Glenn? Keep the door and your arse cheeks tightly fucking closed, right?"

"That's a fucking tiny kettle. Did they use your dick as a ruler, because boy, it sure fucking looks like it." Ivy said.

"Where's glummy mummy?"

"She's having a pee." Glenn delivered.

Ivy suck out her hands, "Oh, Julie!" Julie was seated on the edge of the bed, twiddling her thumbs. "How are you?" She clasped them in front of herself.

She shrugged, "Could be worse."

Nicola came out of the bathroom, jumping at Malcolm's presence. "Fucking hell, Malcolm."

"Julie, darling, could we have a wee word with you?" He said.

"...Why, is something wrong?"

Malcolm squatted down next to her, awkwardly. "Do you know a man called Rob Holt?"

"I've never heard of him, why, what's all this about?"

"Well it's just that he's one of your uh, followers, on... Twitter?" Malcolm looked at Ivy. She nodded, echoing, "Twitter."

"And we think that some of your uh...?"

"Tweets."

"The tweets that you've been doing have actually been reported, out there."

"Well." She exhaled, "What're you accusing us of?"

"We're not accusing you of anything." Nicola said.

"You all look like you're accusing us of something! You fucking sound like you're accusing us of something!"

"No, no, no, no-"

"I've seen Spooks! You have treated me like a bag of shit all day!" Julie began, standing up. "I mean, I'm a very, very patient person, but I've had it up to here with yous lot! I should've known not to trust yous lot, when you fucked over them Metric Martyrs. All I was trying to do was right by my Jason, right? And if he was here now, he'd be fucking appalled by the way yous lot are carrying on. He always said you were a useless bunch of wankers."

Olly came in, holding a bag of crisps which crinkled obnoxiously. Although nothing could be more obnoxious than whatever was about to come out of his mouth. "Oh, Julie! Oh you're back! Excellent. Every epic needs a hero. Put tiny kettle on, lad, I'm gasping."

Malcolm was staring darkly at him, arms crossed. The awkward air was so thick you could cut it with a butter knife. "Uh, everything okay? What's-What's going on?"

"Uh- Malcolm, could you just come to the toilet with me, for a moment." She pushed him into the toilet. Ivy turned to look at it, making a confused face. She leaned towards the door once it shut, to try and hear some form on conversation. She only managed to pick up the gist of the plan.

Malcolm covertly told Glenn something. Ivy was too tired and too over it to figure out what. Julie left by herself in a ferocious hurry. As soon as the door slammed closed.

"Good riddance." Ivy mumbled.

"Do we have anything we can use against her?" Malcolm demanded.

Nicola rubbed her temple, crossing her arm over her chest. "Metric Martyr stuff. That's all I can think of."

"Fruit by the pound?" Ivy lifted herself off the wooden hutch, joining them near the bed. "That's it?"

"Fruit by the fucking pound. Fuck. Okay, well, we say we're dropping her for extremist views. How about that?"

The group shrugged, mutually agreeing that it was good enough for them. "Just don't go into detail, otherwise they'll crawl up your arse like a dirty little Syrian dwarf hamster all over again."

Ivy snickered at her own joke which was in her head. "How do you like them apples? By the pound?"

Olly and Nicola sighed heavily, one of them remarked, "Jesus."

  After quite a night of wine drinking, toasting, celebrating, or otherwise partying, Malcolm and Ivy said their goodbye's and goodnight's to friends and coworkers. They both looked like Hell. Well, it could be worse, but still Hell. Malcolm's bow tie was crooked and half undone (it was actually surprising to Ivy that he both knew how to tie one and had a real one, not just a pre-tied one). He had spilled droplets of dried cherry colored wine on his white button-up, which he had failed to notice in time, so it was likely that they'd leave irreparable stains. Ivy's makeup was smeared, a faint streak of eyeliner spread across her temple from a forgetful moment where she wiped the corner of her eye. Her dress was wrinkled, her hair messy. They were both half wine drunk. The clock read 12 am.

Despite looking like an embarrassing mess, Malcolm thought she was so incredibly gorgeous. He caught himself staring through the cracked door and into the mirror while she was washing her face and brushing out her curls. Good thing her eyes didn't catch his or he'd never hear the end of it. "Who's sleeping on the couch?" She asked, kneeling down beside her bag to pull out her pajamas.

"Huh?" He said, setting his tie in his overnight bag and removing his jacket.

"I said, who's sleeping on the couch?" She went back to the bathroom, this time closing the door so she could change.

He pulled his shirt out of his trousers and began unbuttoning it. Malcolm didn't listen to a word she said. All he knew is that she asked a question. So, he responded, "Sure."

"Were you even listening?" She laughed.

"No."

"Whatever. Are you decent?" Ivy had finished getting dressed. So had Malcolm, apparently, since he answered with a "Yes."

She stepped out of the bathroom, crouching down once again to put her clothes away. Malcolm felt his heart skip a beat. Oh God, he thought, she's even more stunning now. She was wearing a plain black spaghetti strap tank top and soft pajama shorts. She wasn't even trying to be attractive, she just plain was. Ivy had her arms crossed over her chest, staring at his face stoically.

"Right, I don't really feel like hunkering down on the couch tonight. So I'll sleep under the covers, you sleep on top."

"What?"

She sat on the side of the bed that had the flower painting. "Do you need hearing aids? We're both adults, get over it." She said, sliding into bed and rolling over. "Just don't snore."

"Fine." He pulled the spare blanket off of the top of the armchair, fluffing it out over the bed and laying under it. "Goodnight, Ivy."

"'Night, Malcolm."

[gwaciechang]

Love Run (7/15?)

“Oh let the world come at you, love Like distant toms a-drumming Love, run! A song you know’s begun”

@wackiekebab @sunflowergrlpwr @danilanidingdong @scratching-wingless-thing @farewellfelidae @whatevermonkey @the-winter-witcher

Trigger warning for vomiting, flashbacks and discussion of someone’s violent death (nobody we like, in fact, I don’t even know his name), and everything in Bobby Hayes’ general life.

Also, I hope you like tropes, because I’ve got so much fucking trope.

“Okay, please don’t get mad and yell at me,” you plead as soon as you both get back in Chloe’s car. He’s in the backseat, his own idea to avoid the temptation of stealing his heroin.

“I won’t,” he says quickly. “And I’m sorry, again, for yelling about the cherries.”

“Right, I actually forgot about the cherries, so don’t even worry,” you laugh nervously. There was nothing else to do but rip the bandaid off as fast as you could. “Um, Chloe faked some paperwork with my insurance company that says we're married so my insurance will cover your treatment.”

“Ah, and she needs it certified with-”

“It’s already been filed and officiated. Apparently we were married on June 4th at the London city center.”

Bobby stares at you. “How the hell did she do that so fast? We only got to the clinic a few hours ago.”

“I think she bugged my phone, and that’s how she found out I overdosed all those years ago,” you chew on your lip. “She might have heard me talking about your addiction.”

“And she thought she’d marry her sister off to a total stranger?” wow, is that actual anger on Bobby’s face?

“You’re not a stranger,” you insist. “I’ve heard you fart and snore.”

He snorts.

“And now I've heard you snort like a pig,” you add, starting the car.

He leans back and gives you an exaggerated pout through the rearview mirror, making you both laugh. He stares out the window silently throughout most of the drive, but as you pull into the parking lot, he says, “I don’t mind being married.” You must make some horrible face, because he sees you and backtracks. “I mean, you know, seeing as I don’t have insurance.”

You do your best not to look like your heart’s about to crack open. “Right, and it’s not like she can’t help us file the paperwork to annul it just as fast,” you keep your face out of sight so he doesn’t see how bitter those words taste.

“Right,” his voice is so quiet that you’re not sure he’s spoken, and when you look back at him, his face is crestfallen.

Well, that just won’t do. “What’s your favorite food?”

“What?” his face is adorable when it’s confused. Then again, you think his face is adorable all the time.

“I taught you how to make my favorite food. Now you teach me how to make yours.”

He smiles so brightly that it's a little blinding, and even chuckles a little. “I’m pretty sure you know how to make toast and beans.”

“What sort of bread for the toast and how do you like your beans?” you challenge.

You only notice what Bobby’s done to your ex’s gaming room after what sounds like 10,000 hammers fall on the floor. You run in and see the most complicated computer display of all time, as well as what looks like an entire rocket piled in a corner of the floor.

“What the fuck?” you ask.

“Sorry, I'm sorry,” he says quickly. “I knocked the-”

“Are you hurt?”

His jaw clicks shut. "Uh, no."

“Okay, then I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed.” Only now do you remember that Bobby sweated through the sheets last night, and you’d been too busy to was them all day. “Ah, shit, never mind,” you groan, walking to your room to strip the sheets and the blankets off.

Bobby takes the blankets off the top of your pile, and you walk to the laundry room down the hall. All the washers are full, but there’s one that's already completed its cycle, with the wet clothes just sitting there. Seeing several empty dryers, you clean the lint trap out of one before dumping the wet clothes into it and putting in a quarter to start the cycle.

“What?” you ask when you see Bobby looking at you pouring the detergent.

“Nothing,” he says with a soft smile. “I just think you’re sweet.”

You snort. “Have you seen yourself recently? Making my favorite food with me, washing my sheets while I was out. And how did you do that, by the way? You don’t have my apartment keycard.” The moment the question leaves your mouth, you know the answer. “Right, you’re a computer genius, aren’t you?”

“I’m talented in many areas,” was it just your imagination or did he just look you up and down?

“Thank goodness one of us is technically literate, then,” your smile becomes a shriek when your detergent overflows.

Bobby throws his head back and laughs so hard that he clutches his stomach and winces. Even though you know he’s injured, and you'd heard him laugh before, it's still nice to see him so light and carefree.

“What?” he asks when he notices you watching him.

“Nothing, I just think you’re a complete asshole,” you echo his earlier words before sticking your tongue out at him.

After the laundry’s done, Bobby helps you put the sheets back on your bed and retreats to the gaming room.

You follow him, curious. “What are you doing with all that, anyway?” you ask from the doorway.

“I want to start earning my keep,” he says. You open your mouth to say he doesn’t have to, but he continues as if he didn’t see you, “I had everything set up as an office in my apartment, but, well, I can’t use that anymore, so I’m setting it all up here.”

“That's cool,” you say between yawns. “Just try not to wake me up while you’re building your office, or I’ll eat the rest of the beans.”

“Temporary office,” he says, and wow, an ice shower would be warmer than what those words do to you.

You'd forgotten, somehow, that Bobby’s presence wasn’t permanent. Despite only having lived with you for a few days, it seems like he’s been here forever. Even without the way he had made the place organized and actually livable, there’s something different about the apartment with him in it, like it’s a place where you actually live instead of a kitchen and a bedroom that you eat and mope in.

“Temporary office, right, good night Bobby,” you say in as one word, hurrying to crawl under your blankets and have a good cry.

You end up lying in bed for two hours just staring at the wall and listening to him try to stealthily put together whatever it is he’s building. Just as you’re about to give up hope and say you shouldn’t have bothered telling him not to wake you up, you close your eyes and don’t open them until Bobby shakes you awake a few hours later.

Your throat is sore, and there's a scream echoing off the walls. Bobby’s tapping up a symphony on the headboard and almost hyperventilating, so it’s not him, which means it can only be you. So probably a nightmare, and since there’s the smell of cerebral fluid in the air and both of your brains are fully intact inside your heads, you can guess what it’s about.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Bobby repeats over and over and over. Tears shine in his eyes.

You want to reassure him, but you end up gagging on the smell that exists only in your imagination. You yank the sheets off and run to the bathroom. A broad hand gently lifts your hair as you throw up. A soft voice sings Queen to you, and your hand comes up. But instead of going to your face, you use it to seek out Bobby’s hand and hold it tight.

He lets you, and he doesn’t squeeze.

“I think that’s it,” you say hoarsely, letting go of Bobby to flush the toilet. “I’m going to brush my teeth again.”

“Alright,” Bobby’s hands hover around you like he’s not sure where to put them, or if he’s even allowed. “I’m going to clean up.”

“You don’t have to stop working on your project on my account. You didn’t bother me.”

He gives you a look you don’t know how to interpret. “I’m not good with people,” he begins, “but I’m very good at noticing patterns, and so far, the times your nightmares don’t make you sick have been the times when I’ve slept next to you. I’m not saying I’m the reason, and if you want to sleep alone, you can tell me,” he backs away and holds his hands up, “and I’ll never bring it up again.” His eyes are dark, and he’s retreating. “I’m just telling you what I’ve noticed.”

“Let’s do that,” you say quickly, and those tight, pained lines on his face smooth out. You spend longer than usual brushing your teeth, waiting for the butterflies in your stomach to settle and wishing you knew where your sexy sleepwear were in your mess of a room. By the time you get to your room, Bobby is already lying on top of the blankets. After you slip in, you yank them out from under him and cover him with them. He stiffens, but he’s not looking away, so you think it’s surprise, not discomfort. Your hands seek out his, and then he does look away.

“I should go,” he says.

“You don’t want to help me with my nightmares all of a sudden?” you try to keep your tone light.

It doesn’t work. He grips his elbows, and you can still see him squeezing in patterns of six. “It’s my fault you-”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” you try to moderate your tone when he flinches. God, why is your first response to everything to get angry? “Look, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’ve been over this. It’s that hitman’s fault I have nightmares, not yours, because he’s the one who tried to kill me.”

“He wouldn’t have tried to killed you if you hadn’t there, and you weren’t supposed to be. I was supposed to be alone.” Bobby’s voice is calm, almost soothing, and for some reason it just makes you angrier.

“Yeah, and then would've killed you! You think I’d rather not have nightmares than have you not being dead? Wait, does that sentence make sense? Because it’s 6am and I am very tired.”

Bobby is getting agitated, too. “Why would you prefer nightmares over the death of a junkie you never met?”

You don’t know how to describe the depth of terror that strikes you at just the thought of him dying, how to describe how happy you are just making food and doing laundry with him, how to describe how easy it is to make accommodations for him even when you’re angry at him. But your instincts have served you well so far, so you just blurt the first thing you can think of.

“I love you.”

The words hang in the air like a physical thing. For a second, nobody moves a muscle.

The next thing you know, you’re both kissing, and you're very glad you brushed your teeth so thoroughly.

[tomarkstories]

This time I cannot run

(So this is a re-post of an old tomark fic from like 2012 I took down a while ago)

A one-shot tomark fic. Mark knows that we know.

They knew. They totally knew. Was it really that obvious? They tried to joke about it all the time but apparently, some people looked right through them.

The venue was big. There was a balcony going across the room where the fans with seating tickets were. A banner (probably made of paper or fabric) was hanging from the middle of it. The big letters painted in black read ”JUST KISS HIM, TOM”.

This,

had gotten too far.

Tomark. Tomark exists. Tomark tomark tomark. It was everywhere on the internet. Small, moving pictures they called ”gifs” with him and Tom expressing their love for each other in interviews. Photos fans had worked hard on to change Skye’s face to Tom’s. ”Every AVA song is about Mark” and ”every +44 song is about Tom”. They had no idea how fucking right they were.

Mark once even read a fanfiction. A small story about himself and the sexiest man on earth, Thomas, obviously. It had been about how they took care of ”stuff” before a show. Had turned him on a lot.

Travis was almost done with his drum solo. His hip hop stuff both confused and amazed him and Tom since they weren’t into that stuff at all, but not even the biggest punk rock fan would disagree to the fact that watching Travis play those drums was extremely powerful and almost magical.

The crowd had been crazy that night at Brixton Academy. Those London people were always crazy. The band hadn’t been there for over one year. Rumours said they had sold out the show in only fifteen minutes. And that was huge if your name wasn’t Justin Bieber.

Another great thing about that one night was that Tom was sober. Not even a little drunk. This made his voice sound so much better, and he was still as funny as when he was drunk.

There it went. Travis pulled off his last beat and the venue went all dark while people screamed and screamed and applauded and screamed. It was time for Mark and Tom to get on stage again to finish the show off with Dammit followed by Family Reunion. Confetti would soon fill the room. Mark smiled because he knew it was the kids’ favourite part of the set. Jack always went crazy when the confetti started pumping out, he would even start dance some nights, and that kid was usually really shy about that kind of stuff.

Mark was just about to walk out on stage again when someone grabbed him by the wrist. He quickly turned around, expecting to face their backline guy.  It was Tom. He wore his Gibson around the neck and that big, crooky smile on the lips. ”Mark….” He said quietly, almost whispering, and smiled even bigger.

”What is it, Tom? We have to get out there again..” He answered and immediately felt very boring and grown up with that kind of answer. They could do what the fuck they wanted to. It was their show. Maybe they should bring back the flaming ”FUCK” sign. Mark smiled when memories from old, good times started rushing through his mind.

Tom kept the smile on his face and pulled Mark closer, still by just his wrist. His instrument touched with Mark’s white fender.  He leaned over and put his lips close to Mark’s right ear, still holding his wrist. Mark could feel Tom’s breath in his ear. He immediately felt blood rushing through his body. Blood pumping in particular parts of his body, making things grow... ”Why don’t we just… you know.. do it? The sign, you know” Tom whispered after a few seconds of what seemed to have been him doubting whether he really should say it or not.

So. Tom wanted to kiss him tonight in front of thousands of people. Nothing weird with that, eh? They sure would make a lot of people happy if they did it. Actually, Tom came with stuff like that at almost every show they played. He’d always try to kiss Mark, or even just hug him. Mark would always just laugh it away. There wasn’t much that embarrassed him in life but when Tom started doing those things to him in public, he just couldn’t. He got so nervous every time it happened. They had been so so so close revealing it many times. There were tons of interviews up on the internet where they had been only a few seconds away from kissing each other. Then Mark would start laughing, come up with a funny comment or just simply lean away from Tom. He was scared and it was the lamest thing ever.

Tom suddenly tightened his grip around Mark’s wrist. He leaned over even more and their lips were only a few inches away from each other now. ”Come on.. Maaark” he whispered, almost in a moaning voice which made Mark crazy. Tom’s breath on his lips. ”This time you cannot run…” He continued, still whispering, in that exact same tone as in Not Now where he sang the almost identical line. He could easily kiss Tom right now. It was dark and no one would notice. Their families had gone backstage, except Travis’ kids that were still hanging around his drumset like they always did. The crew were busy doing work on stage and they were already used with them two fooling around with each other. Of course, they took it as a joke and didn’t see the fact they were two grown, married men, seriously in love.

Mark closed his eyes for a few seconds and opened them with a smile on his lips, which was still just a few inches away from the guy facing him. Anything that would’ve felt embarrassing or weird just fell away as soon as he met Tom’s eyes. Those beautiful brown, thin, eyes that were so full of life, always. The crooked, mischievous smile that he’d fall for every time though he’d seen it every day for over 15 years. He sure missed the lip ring but could easily say that he would look fucking ridiculous with it now. And the cheeks. Those bruised cheeks he used to have all those acne problems with. They were wonderful no matter what, and he loved feeling them against his.

Light.

Lights and thousands of faces.

They were supposed to be out on stage right now. ”I’m sorry” Mark casually said and broke their eye contact. He got out of Tom’s grip and put his hands over the bass and walked out on stage, welcomed by the crowd. He didn’t even look back to see Tom come after him.

Dammit became a mess. Tom fucked up almost every second of the song and Mark, he forgot the whole second verse. Travis however,  was totally flawless as always. Their families were sitting at the side of the stage, looking a bit bummed out. He could feel how the confetti confused Tom even more and God, they hadn’t been this bad since the reunion shows in 2009. He was almost embarrassed when the last riff of the song went out and the crowd started cheering. They had not deserved that.

Tom had turned his back on the crowd and took off to his guitar tech. Mark started to get nervous. They always knew what to say between the songs but it was empty at the moment. He couldn’t joke about something, he would just feel really stupid in this situation.

Come on Travis, start a beat. This awkward silence makes me crazy.

”So…” Mark finally said in the microphone. The crowd cheered . ”I… I just..” he continued but couldn’t find the words. He let go of the microphone and put his hand on his forehead instead, staring down at the floor.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

All he wanted to do was to do make things right but what instead came out of the microphone a few seconds later was his worn out voice almost yelling the oh so meaningful lyrics about shit and piss and fuck and cunts and cocksuckers, motherfuckers, tits and farts and turds and twats.

And that’s exactly what would happen tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. Next week.  Next year. Forever.

[wolfliving]

Tech he won't touch in 2019

https://www.theregister.co.uk/2019/01/04/my_2019_resolution_not_to_buy_any_of_this_rubbish/

TECH I WILL NOT TOUCH IN 2019

A smart speaker

Any IoT device

An autonomous vehicle

Anything using fingerprint access

A robot

Bitcoin

AI

Choose-your-own-adventure entertainment

Travel sector tech

Personal voice assistants for retail

Any computer game invented after 1994

The new Doctor Who's new Sonic Screwdriver

Music on vinyl

What, you've actually PAID to own a mediocre mono speaker that listens to your farts when you think no-one else is around and you don't consider that (a) poor value, (b) creepy as fuck and (c) slightly less useful than the SodaStream your Mum bought for Christmas 1978? No thank you, I do not wish a digital sneak in the room to secretly record my breathing pattern and mistakenly order 1,000 toilet rolls each time my cat sneezes.

The most apt example of the Idiot of Things has to be the Ekster 3 Smart Wallet. It contains a GPS tracker so that you will never lose it, or at least know where it is when you do. It even responds to voice command via smartphone app and smart speaker skill to make your misplaced wallet produce a ringing sound. This should be especially appreciated by night-time house breakers who might be having trouble locating your valuables in the dark. "Psst, Alexa, where's 'my' wallet?" Ta-da! Here I am, Mr Burglar!

I may as well say a flying car, or indeed a flying pig. That said, I do wish Apple would hurry up and develop an electric car so we can have a laugh when owners discover that the driver, passengers and luggage must all pass through just one door as all the others have been removed, they'll need a proprietary handle adapter to open it. After 14 months, the vehicle will run at 10 mph maximum with dim headlights in order to preserve the battery.

Vein authentication is no longer secure, apparently. Nor do you need a bag of jelly babies (Tom Baker, please note). A wax cast of your hand is all that's required now, so expect a rise in celebrity break-ins to be traced back to Mme Tussauds.

One in four women would have sex with a robot, according to this survey. In that case, she can buy her bloody own.

I was fascinated to watch my initial investment of 0.00002232 BTC, worth less than a penny at the beginning of 2013, proceed to reach the giddy sterling value of 33 pence by Christmas 2017 before settling down to 7 pence this week. This is not a currency, this is road rash. I am still intrigued by blockchain and can envision a purpose for cryptocurrency as a concept but Bitcoin is exclusively for fools, liars and conmen.

Beware of anything described as "AI" because this invariably means it isn't AI: it's just programmed that way. We should rebrand AI as PS = "Programmed Software".

Forgive me, Black Mirror fans, but you can stuff that idea up your RPG. When Squaxx Dek Thargo sought their thrill-power with Judge Dredd role-playing books and a couple of dice in 1985, it felt pretty naff even then. Choose my own? I choose not to.

I am bombarded with press releases from travel industry tech companies that insist their products promise both enhanced digitalisation and more self-service options to travellers. In other words, if you want a decent holiday, arrange it yourself. This will of course cost you more, while pushing more people currently working in the hospitality sector out of a job.

Brilliant concept, this one. After all, talking chat bots perform so well in other industries, don't they? Ah but these voice assistants also use voice recognition to provide customers with a er… custom shopping experience. No thanks: it will probably tell me Hitler was right, recognise my cat and promptly place an order for 100 swastika-embossed toilet rolls.

That's just me. All games since 1994 were imitations. Or shite.

What are you, a fucking 8-year-old? It's a TV series for children.

If I want to relive that good old record-player sound experience, I'll just listen to an MP3 while the tumble drier is running with a pair of wet jeans and three loose marbles in it, occasionally tapping the |< and >| buttons randomly to replay or skip a couple of seconds.

That's enough predictions; you're depressed as it is without me making it worse....

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍😍😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

[megafarter]

Sal’s Massive Ass Gas pt. 4

Sal sauntered over from the bathroom to the kitchen. “You have any dessert?” He opened the fridge and I heard him let out a loud, long obnoxious open mouth belch. So manly. So sexy. “You mind if I have some ice cream?”

“Uhhh sure….” Despite being awkward at the gay club, he definitely was not shy, as he took the liberty to go through my food. But I thought, how could he be hungry after the enormous amount of Wendys he ate? (see pt. 1).

“Do you want chocolate or vanilla?” He asked me. I had just gone food shopping that day and had two full gallon tubs.

“I’m fine. Help yourself though. Bowls are in the—“ He cut me off by walking back into the living room carrying both tubs of ice cream.

“You sure?” He outstretched his arm, gesturing an entire tub to me.

“Uhhh no thanks…” He didn’t put either tub back though.

I proceeded to watch him gorge through both tubs of ice cream in under 20 minutes. I’ve never eaten a half gallon of ice cream in my life, let alone two full gallons. And after right after that a dinner that could feed a family of 5. In just this hour alone, he had to have consumed over 4,000 calories easy. How? What? Why?

Seeing how much this massive man ate, turned me on. He finished, and with chocolate around his mouth and stains on his flannel shirt he said, “I’m just letting you know man, dairy gives me the worst gas.” He nudged me. How could it possibly be any worse than what I heard earlier? “Welp! Already started.” He Leaned to one side and ripped a long 8 second bubbly fart that ended in a muffled low tone.

Ok the other farts smelled. They smelled like really bad farts. But this, I can’t even describe it. It genuinely made me instantly nauseous. I couldn’t hide showing my disgusted face. Now I understood what dairy did to him. “Good thing you didn’t ask me to spend the night!”

He joked, and despite feeling nauseaus I got sad. I wanted him to spend the night. Despite the genuinely offensive gas. “I can handle it. I was going to ask you to spend the night.” The thought of the big burly hairy man cuddling me all night made me melt

“You really don’t mind the gas?” He looked genuinely shocked.

I wanted to tell him that I found it sexy, but I still felt uncomfortable. “The side effects of dating men.” I joked.

He belly laughed. “See that’s what I’ve liked about becoming gay. I was afraid because some gay guys are just as prissy as girls. I like that I can still be a man around you Kevin.” He lightly smiled at me. That was probably the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me.

Wait though, “becoming gay” ? weird thing to say. I wanted to press him, but chose not to ask.

“Speaking of which!” He lifted one leg up to fart and I felt my heart skip a beat. But he apparently accidentally …… BURRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP unleashed a monster of a deep belch deep from his gut completely unintentionally. The loudest one of the night by far. I could tell it would have gone longer but he started laughing. Cutting the belch short in between laughs. However, BBBBBBBRRRRPPPPTTT the fart he had intended to rip, immediately began before his laughing/belching ended. It was bubbly just like the last one. And a lot louder. “Do you listen to Tom Segura? Double Pipe Classic! Happens to me more often than you think!” He was cracking up

It was outrageously hot, but also genuinely funny. I wanted to compliment him, but the smell hit me. I’m telling you. It was indescribable. In my head the potency of his gas was sexy. But it was actually painful how bad it smelled in person. I almost gagged. I suddenly began to doubt if I could let him sleep over. Though I wanted it, I actually questioned if I could handle this man’s gas all night.

He knew what was going through my mind. He suddenly got serious. “If we open the window, keep the bedroom door open, you sleep facing away from me and we sleep with separate blankets, it shouldn’t be too bad.” He clearly had done this before. “You’ll survive.” He smiled at me. Was he kidding? That was a genuine question.

“I trust you won’t kill me.” I smiled back at him, joking.

“I take many precautions. Honestly, trust me.” Now he definitely wasn’t kidding. “I’m gonna piss and then lets go to bed.” I heard him begin the same routine as the last time he pissed. With the door wide open, he let out a long deep loud rattling belch, BBURRRRRPPPPPPP then the fire hose started from his giant cock making a loud sound like a cow peeing on a flat rock as it hit the water in the toilet. After an entire minute, while the piss started to end he let go a long low note rumbling bubble fart. It went on for 10 seconds. bRRRRPPPPTTTTTT. God he was manly, reminded me of a T-Rex. The fart apparently even surprised him. “Shit.” He laughed. “Get Ready Kevin.”

I got nervous again about the decision I made, but decided not to change my mind. Suddenly despite my bathroom being 30 feet away from where I sit. The smell reached my nose. Somehow even worse than the first two. And it had taken over my entire apartment.

He washed his hands and walked back in, letting off 4-5 poppy but loud bubble farts, BRPT BRPT BRRPT BRRPT as he entered. He was smiling at me. Only then I realized he had his shirt off. My eyes almost popped out of my head. That thick massive hairy chest. Big burly shoulders. Wide muscly arms….. I forgot how bad room smelled.

“Let’s lay down” He didn’t have to light a fire under my ass for that.

[aion-rsa]

Doctor Who: Which Monsters Will Return in Series 13?

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Spoilers: contains reference to unofficial series 13 filming photography

Doctor Who began life as a time-travelling sci-fi show with a historical bias and an educational bent. One thing – or, rather, one race – changed all of that: The Daleks. Those oppressive pepper pots gave the public a taste for the fearsome, the far-off and the fantastic, and the following five decades would be stacked with all sorts of aliens and monsters, from the sub-slime to the Drashig-ulous, and everything in between.

A new showrunner always wants to put their stamp on the series, but if novelty is vital to Doctor Who, then so is nostalgia. The allure of bringing back an old foe to put face-to-face with a Doctor’s new face is too strong to resist. At first, Chris Chibnall let Jodie Whittaker settle into her performance unburdened by the baggage of monsters past, but it wasn’t long before the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Master and the Judoon arrived to claim their places in the ever-expanding continuity of the Who-niverse.   

Series 13 is on its way, and yet more familiar monsters have been spotted as joining the fray. Here are the alien races confirmed as returning, along with some speculation as to who else might come back in the seasons to follow…

The Sontarans Are Back!

The Sontarans – those war-like, unbudging, unblinking little kick-ass clones – have been spotted on location, so they’re a shoo-in for 13’s thirteenth. We first met the Sontarans in 1974 when Jon Pertwee’s dashing, debonair Third Doctor caught a crash-landed specimen of the species, Linx, abducting scientists from present-day Earth (using timey-wimey-ness) and putting them to work fixing his kaput spacecraft back in Medieval England. Later, Tom Baker’s Fourth Doctor encountered them on a barren Earth in the future, again abducting human beings, but this time to study them like lab-rats in a bid to probe mankind’s weaknesses and thus their ripeness for conquest. Sontarans showed up again later in his tenure to invade Gallifrey in perhaps one of Doctor Who‘s most overblown yet underwhelming of stories, ‘The Invasion of Time‘ (an episode that features the world’s longest chase sequence involving the same swimming pool and gym corridor in monotonous rotation). Each time the Sontarans appeared in Classic Who they lost a little of their mystery and lustre, to the point where their appearance in the much-maligned sixth-and-second-Doctor team-up, ‘The Two Doctors’, was largely superfluous. 

The Sontarans used to look like malevolent jacket potatoes. They sported weird, ventriloquist-dummy mouths and bristly little beards. Their weapon of choice was a noisy torch that triggered fatal bouts of over-acting in its victims. When Russell T Davies brought the Sontarans back to battle with David Tennant’s Tenth Doctor in 2006, they were upgraded to match the show’s new-found popularity and bigger budget. They had sleek and shiny new metallic-blue body armour, almost perfectly spherical heads, and a voracious appetite for conflict and killing that was finally able to be properly conveyed on screen. Blustering and almost comically pompous they may have been, but, boy, did those doppelgangers give UNIT a run for its money in the massacre stakes. Showrunner Steven Moffat leaned into the comically pompous aspect of the Sontarans for their return in seasons six through eight, in the shape of Dan Starkey’s Strax, a played-for-laughs associate of the Doctor, who was perhaps one of Sontar’s most pacifistic sons – although he did enjoy sojourns to Glasgow to fist-fight with the natives.

So what mode of Sontarans will we encounter in season 13? Apparently they’re going to be back in the black-and-grey combat gear of their 1970s heyday. But will they be brutal and militaristic – Doctor Who‘s very own Klingons – or will they be more Strax-like – Doctor Who‘s very own Ferengis – perhaps with an invasion story that’s equal parts Keystone Cops to Charlie Chaplin? Or will we see a story wherein a breakaway faction of the clones wants an end to war and the right to individual autonomy – Doctor Who‘s very own Borg?

One tantalising possibility presents itself, one that could bring back yet another of the show’s long-unseen menaces…

Could The Rutans Join Them?

Chris Chibnall said in this Radio Times interview that he would only consider bringing back old favourites if they’d already appeared in the post-2005 iteration of the show. That means no Sea Devils, no Axons, no Drashigs, no cybernetic pirates with killer robot parrots perched upon their shoulders. But might he make an exception to allow an old foe from the classic series to ride into the modern era on the coat-tails of a qualifying species like the Sontarans?

Read more

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The Rutans look like the result of a union betwixt a floating brain and a jellyfish. The Fourth Doctor found one in Victorian England imitating, manipulating and murdering the occupants of a lighthouse. These are the creatures with whom the Sontarans have been locked in an aeons-long battle that has raged across the galaxy, claiming in its wake countless millions in collateral damage. Might we see the Sontarans face off against their sentient-snot rivals using Earth as a battlefield, with only the Doctor standing between humanity and oblivion? I think we’d all enjoy seeing the Rutans updated for the 21st century, rendered so they resemble what they’re supposed to be, and not a plastic bag filled with Vaseline that someone has stuck a torch in. 

Return of the Weeping Angels

The Weeping Angels have also been seen on set, so expect to enjoy some counter-chronological tomfoolery in season 13.

The Weeping Angels were, of course, the brainchild of Steven Moffat, who set them against the Tenth Doctor and Martha (Freema Agyeman) in ‘Blink’, one of the series’ most warmly-regarded episodes to date, classic or contemporary. While ‘Blink’ had its share of timey-wimey-ness, it was at root a simple story, simply told; a satisfying blend of heart and horror, pathos and peril. Each subsequent appearance of the Angels has diluted their impact, although Matt Smith’s Eleventh Doctor two-parter ‘The Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone’ did a commendable job of maintaining much of their menace whilst also doing something a little bit different with them.

The question now is: where have these angels left to tread? We’ve had their spooky debut, their far-future follow-up and a companion swan-song that also saw the city of New York petrified (both figuratively and literally). Many potential scenarios suggest themselves: an Alien-esque race against time on-board a spaceship with an escaped Angel wreaking havoc?; the Doctor entering their quantum realm to communicate with them directly?; the Doctor hurtled back through time by an Angel and having to contravene, or at least bend, their rules on occupying the same point in time and space twice, perhaps by secretly piggy-backing a ride in his/her own Tardis?

I’m secretly hoping we’ll never see a true origin story or get a glimpse of their home planet. Some things are better left mysterious (though many would level that same comment at the events of ‘The Timeless Children‘).

Given that the Angels have been snapped on a sleepy suburban street somewhere in contemporary Europe we can assume that the action is going to be a little more Earth-bound. But might the re-appearance of the Angels (barring their very small prison-based cameo in ‘Revolution of the Daleks’) coincide with the introduction of John Bishop’s Dan, and, if so, what heart-ache might the unforgiving gargoyles have in store for him?

Is The Judoon‘s Story Finished?

The Thirteenth Doctor put herself in the Judoon’s crosshairs when she interfered with their pursuit of a hitherto unknown version of the Doctor, played by Jo Martin. Her solidarity saw her snagged by the Judoon at the climax of ‘The Timeless Children‘, and dragged off to a prison complex that bore more than a passing resemblance to the infamous Time Lord facility ‘Shada’ (glimpsed in all its glory for the first time in the animated reconstruction of the incomplete Tom Baker serial of the same name). The Doctor escaped, with Captain Jack’s help. Does this mean they’re both to be considered fugitives of the Judoon? It all depends who hired the Judoon. If they were employed by the Time Lords to track down Jo Martin’s Doctor and punish her for absconding from The Division (one distinct possibility) then surely the Time Lords would have to re-enlist the Judoon to recapture the Doctor, the one reasonably huge snag there being that all of the Time Lords are dead.

Still. It’s never stopped them before. 

When Will We See the Master Again?

Sacha Dhawan‘s Master doesn’t just chew the scenery: he chews the galaxy. His hysterical, histrionic, genocidal iteration was one of the true highlights of series 12. It’s debatable whether this Master comes post-Missy (after all, few things in the Who-niverse can truly fell a Time Lord, least of all a script) or pre-John Simm (more likely); what isn’t debatable is that we’d love to see him return. He’s almost certain to. Though perhaps not in series 13’s reduced run of eight episodes.

Who Else Could Return?

There may not be room for it this series, but might Chris Chibnall or some yet-to-be-specified future show-runner consider redeeming the Slitheen? Season one’s ‘Boom Town’ showed that there was plenty of pathos lurking behind the raucous farting of this on-the-run criminal family. Could we see their home world? Meet more of their species? Capitalise a little more on their imposing physical presence and terrifying strength? Make them a credibly scary and engaging villain?

And perhaps the Reavers could return to mop up whatever mess the Master has made of Gallifrey’s timeline.      

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Which monsters do you think deserve another crack of the whip? Let us know who you’d like to see making a return…

The post Doctor Who: Which Monsters Will Return in Series 13? appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[queennicoleinboots]

Chapter 10 of Completely Out of Sync: Too Many Frustrations of the New Millennium – Not Found in Statham, GA (Joebear POV)

“GET INSIDE!” Blondie Black screamed from inside the house.

Ruby Black, Baby Black, and I ran toward the house as fast as we could to get out of the waterfall that descended from the sky. We could barely see in front of us as the rain water hit the hot ground below us. Gotta love this insane humidity. Mist choked the air.

Baby Black farted again as she ran ahead of me.

“Thank you for farting,” I said as I waved my paw in front of my face to avoid smelling it. “Again.”

Ruby Black started coughing behind me. She and I started laughing before we became trapped in the fart cloud. We were truly soaked before we finally entered the house. The wooden floor was becoming soaked. Baby Black, Ruby Black, and I shook the water out of our fur.

I guess I was stuck there until it was safe to call AAA to jump the battery in that piece of shit Nissan Versa. The worst part was AAA always took forever, and they are going to have a hell of a time finding me on this property. If it weren’t storming like mass hell outside, AAA would have a possible chance of finding me. But, I would rather be safe with these four dogs than to try to escape Statham, GA in this kind of weather. This kind of weather has literally blanketed this area all day, but it was horrible now. I swear that Hurricane Fuck Off was outside banging at the windows of this cottage. There was no way I was going to get my fur muddy by being out in that shit. There was no way Baby and Ruby Black were going to stay out in that weather. There was no way that BearBear and Blondie Black were even going to be able to stay on the ground if they went out there. Those two would be blown away by the wind. So, we were stuck in the cottage being battered by a hellstorm.

I took this moment to call my wife. I missed her.

“BAAAAAEEEEWHUHHHHHHHH!!!!!” she sang to greet me.  

“BaeBae!” I shouted out of excitement.

The dogs barked and howled to greet Xara.

“Oh hello, Blondie!” she shouted. “How are you doing?”

Blondie Black got on my phone and started blurting shit out. “Xara! Oh my God the craziest shit has been happening here! Goofy-looking dumbasses with typical lab coats were here at the house. One of them even looked like a clown posed as a doctor. How the fuck did this guy get this job? It seems that the Veterans Administration would hire anyone who can wipe his ass and not leave a skidmark in his underwear.”

We all fucking burst out laughing. Blondie Black definitely didn’t pull any punches. Ruby Black was rolling on the floor and literally laughing.

“Yeah, that’s typical of the Veterans Administration. Is your family okay?” she asked.

“Uhhhh yeah… about that. They were abducted-” Blondie Black started to say before BearBear Black cut her off by tackling her.

“ARRESTED! THEY WERE ARRESTED BY THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND!” BearBear Black shouted at my wife.

“WE GOT IT BAD BECAUSE WE’RE BROWN!” Ruby Black shouted.

Xara couldn’t help but crack up. “Arrested? For what?!” she asked.

“They were arrested for nudity,” I explained to her.

“Really? On their own property?” she asked with a bit of a laugh.

“Yes, it seems she had been indecently exposing herself again... on her own property,” I explained to her as I was actually confused by the logic. “The police really have gone overboard. It’s unreal. There is no privacy anywhere. You don’t own your own property. The banks still charge property taxes every year. The cops run wild on 'your' property. It’s all bullshit. I’ll be honest. I don’t even fully understand what’s going on.”

“Yeah, that’s ridiculous. Are they in prison?! And what happened to Lorraine Black’s phones?!” she asked as she sounded like she was getting irate.

“The Veterans Administration pulled rank and had the phones shut off,” I answered plainly. Baby Black barked in the background to affirm my statement.

“UGH! Fuck the VA! They strip every veteran of his rights!” she shouted.

“There are female veterans out there, ya know!” Blondie Black boldly corrected her.

‘Who the fuck cares?’ I thought.

“Okay. They strip every veteran of his or HER rights,” Xara said. “And don’t get me started on how shitty the healthcare system in the United, or should I say Divided States of America is. For the military nonetheless? Geez. No wonder I deal with sick dumbasses all day. These people don’t give a fuck about Veterans.”

Blondie Black howled to affirm her statement. “Yes, and they have clown doctors! Come on! This bullshit is medieval. I wish we would just evolve already. It’s 2020, and this is the best medical care available in the United States: clown doctors, pills that make us sicker instead of better, and bullshit vitamins that barely cover our essential nutritional needs. I don’t buy that. These people WANT US TO BE SICK AND DUMB!” she shouted with a series of barks.

BearBear Black, Ruby Black, and Baby Black barked like hell in agreement. I agreed with them, too, so I did what any bear would do if he strongly agreed with something: growl like King Bear. I growled so loudly that the cottage shook. I even started laughing hysterically as the cottage shook. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t handle this world no more.

“Holy Shit!” BearBear Black said as her fur stood on edge as she stared at me with bewildered dark blue eyes.

Xara laughed maniacally. “Not to mention that most doctors are foreign because Americans apparently don’t know shit about the medical field at all. Think about it. When you go to college, most people that major in medicine are fucking foreign. Especially Indian, Spanish, or Asian. In fact, the Indian, Spanish, and I daresay the Chinese language has infiltrated its way into the vernacular here in America. English WAS supposed to be the official language in this country, but nope. Americans are too big of pussies to stick up for their own bullshit language, so they allow every Tom, Dick, and Harry to morph our language into something that not even Einstein can figure out! I wish the United States was united, but it's really not. The states all seem to be doing their own thing when it comes to handling COVID-19. We as a people are politically and religiously divided. The States of America just seem to have a smorgasbord of people who have nothing in common other than the fact that they live in North America. Some aren't even citizens. So yeah, we are more divided," she shouted over the phone. Uh oh. My wife was going on another rant again.

“The doctors don’t give a damn about your health. It’s all about the money,” I said flatly. “The Rothschilds and the Rockafellers have monopolized the insurance companies, and the insurance companies govern the way healthcare is done in this country. It’s an absolute fucking joke!”

The Black dogs all barked and howled in agreement to what I was saying. BearBear Black even farted as she jumped up and down and barked. That dog was pissed off and nothing to fuck with.

“It really is. It’s crazy. Even with home health care, you can work as hard as you can for four fucking years, but if you have a bad month, the coordinators don’t give a fuck. It’s all about money. It’s all about numbers. They don’t give a damn about the employees or the customers. Their mission statement is a fucking lie. By the way, one of their mission points is face-to-face conversations with everyone, but with COVID-19, that’s completely out the window. In other news, thank God I have my own cleaning company. Home health care agencies are absolute total bullshit at this point. And who the fuck wants anyone in their home anyway right now?” she ranted in a shaky voice. She was so pissed that she was starting to malfunction.

“Well, I wasn’t trying to upset you, baby,” I said to try to calm her down. I didn’t like seeing her upset.

The Black dogs were just going to town with the barking and howling. Baby Black got pissed and kicked a table leg. I was getting a headache from all of the noises.

This was one of those moments where I wished I had a juicy steak to share with these dogs. They were probably hungry. I got up to find them something to eat while Xara was just bitching about the status quo, Peter Wallace Parker (who can be a real fucking asshole sometimes), and how she had no coffee. She was hungry, too. She forgot her lunch AGAIN. I wanted to beat her ass for that, but this was not the time to tell her that. There were five angry bitches in my presence, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive.

“I’m fucking hungry!” Baby Black screamed.

“I’m fucking hungry, too. Come to think of it!” Blondie Black said as she was moving in and out of my legs.

“Stop! Lay down!” I screamed at Blondie Black. I was looking for dog food and finally found it in the last kitchen cabinet to the right. The balls of my feet were killing me. Probably from stress.

To tell you the truth, I was hungry, too, but not as hungry as these dogs. BearBear and Blondie Black were literally diving into the bag of food the minute I pulled it out of the cabinet.

“Goddammit! I’m trying to feed you!” I shouted as I scooped out the dog food with my bear hands and threw it at the bitches.

Baby and Ruby Black were eating like crazy. Meanwhile, my wife was still yammering on about something.

“Oh! I forgot my lunch goddammit!” Xara said loudly as she slapped herself on the forehead.

‘Are you serious?’ I thought. ‘Wow, my wife is braindead sometimes!’

“Order a pizza tonight,” I said. “I have no idea when the fuck I’m getting out of here. This storm actually has me locked in here with four hungry female dogs. And I’m hungry!”

“THERE’S HONEY IN THE CABINET SOMEWHERE!” Blondie Black yelled in between her munching in the bag.

“Thank you, Blondie,” I said as I ransacked the cabinets to find the honey. Once I did, I bit into the honey bottle and started eating the honey. Fuck table manners. Only pretentious people use those!

“You are strong, Joebear Campinelli!” Ruby Black said as she laughed a little bit.

Good Lord, this dog was horny. I took a deep breath and tried to resist the power of Ruby Black.

Meanwhile, I heard Peter Wallace Parker scream a blood-curdling scream on the other side of my wife’s phone. I cringed and asked, “Is everything okay, my love?”

“No, baby. Peter is having yet another meltdown. I need to tend to him,” she said.

“Okay, baby. Be careful,” I said. “Love you.”

“LOVE YOU, BOO!!!!” she shouted.

I hung up the phone and decided it was time to give Ruby Black the rub of her life. She was a dog, and dogs deserve to be petted. In fact, I planned to pet ALL of these bitches before the night was out.

“Okay, all done!” Blondie Black exclaimed as she rushed under me and started pawing at my knees.

I lifted Blondie Black and started petting her and kissing her cheeks. She was such a baby. She was whining and making grunts as I was scratching her back.

Ruby Black then came over and started pawing at my knees.

I put Blondie Black down and then kneeled down to pet both of those dogs. They both lied on their backs as I played with them and pet them.

BearBear and Baby Black were still eating while Blondie and Ruby Black were getting tons of affection from my bear paws.

There was a knock at the door. All four dogs rushed to the door and started barking their heads off.

I blinked and thought to myself, ‘What the fresh hell is going on here?’

“Fuck off!” BearBear Black shouted through the door.

“I could if I would, but I have been ordered to be here,” the man at the door said. “I need to speak to the head of household.”

“He’s not here,” Blondie Black said.

“Understood. Who is next in command?” the man at the door asked.

“I am!” BearBear Black shouted. “State your business!”

“Oh bullshit, BearBear! I am next in command,” Baby Black said as she pushed the door open to reveal herself. Her light blue eyes pierced through the clown in the white coat at the door. Her ears were pinned down as she was ready to fuck this guy up.

The other three dogs were baring their teeth at him as they almost pounced on that poor son of a bitch.

“What the fresh hell is going on here?” the clown man asked as he blinked.

Baby Black pounced on him and knocked him on his back against the wooden porch.

“Holy shit. I might faint!” the clown said as he stared fearfully into Baby Black’s blue eyes of death.

“We have the same question for you,” BearBear Black said as she scurried toward his face and started barking.

“I WAS SENT HERE TO DO A CENSUS FOR THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!” the clown screamed as tears were going down his eyes.

“Fuck you,” BearBear Black shouted as she barked at him.

“The Veterans Administration is the same reason that I am the head of household AS A DOG!” Baby Black said in a low voice as she growled at him. Her teeth were sharp, and she was nothing to fuck with.

“Yes. What the fresh hell is going on here?” Blondie Black asked as she scurried over to the clown’s face. “How do you not know what’s going on?”

“Honestly, no one tells me anything. I have to come to the houses and confirm everything,” the clown said as he started crying.

“There, there,” Blondie Black said as she nuzzled up against him. “I can imagine that your job is very stressful.”

“It is… it is…,” the clown said as he literally started bawling. “All I wanted to do was provide city data for veterans who want to retire. They worked hard when they were in service. The least we could do is give them data to figure out the best place to live after going through the horrors of war…”

“Well, this place isn’t it,” BearBear Black said as she barked. “This place is a fucking hell hole. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TECHNOLOGY ON?!”

I waved my cell phone stupidly at BearBear Black. “You want me to turn this off, correct?” I asked.

“YEAHHHHHHHHHH,” BearBear Black said. “Why the fuck would you have that thing on anyway when the Veterans Administration is here?!”

“Excuse me, Princess,” I said as I turned my cell phone off. “I was in the middle of eating this ice cream.”

“WHO IS THAT MAN?!” the clown asked.

“None of your business!” Ruby Black shouted as she circled around his head. “He does not live here! He is visiting! IS VISITING NOW ILLEGAL BECAUSE OF COVID-19?! DO EVEN DOGS AND BEARS HAVE TO WEAR MASKS NOW?!”

The other three dogs barked in his face.

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to gather data. Are there any humans here?” he asked.

BearBear Black shook her ass and just stared at him like he was a retard. “What kind of a retarded question is that?”

“A retarded question that all Veterans Administration census workers unfortunately have to ask. May I access a pen please? Are those allowed in this non-technological house?” the clown asked as he rolled his eyes. I could tell he was over these four dogs getting in his space.

Baby Black got off of him and sat down in front of him.

The clown sat up and reached his pen and pad.

“TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN CELLPHONE OR WHATEVER TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE YOU HAVE!” BearBear Black screamed at him as she was in his face and barking at him.

“All right. All right. Damn you’re insistent, dog woman,” the clown said as he turned his many technological devices off to appease this fucked-up dog.

“Thank you. Now you can start writing,” BearBear Black said.

Baby Black barked a strong bark as she still stared him down with her icy blue eyes.

“Is all of that barking really necessary?” the clown asked as he was writing down some answers to questions that he unfortunately already knew.

“Is that a question on your census?” BearBear Black asked.

“Son of a bitch, I actually have to look,” the clown said as he flipped through this book of questions to find it. A few minutes later, he actually found the damn question. “Actually, yes. It’s on the side questionnaire that’s in Section C for if the poor son of a bitch veteran has a dog.”

“Let me clarify that Diamond Black, Tim Black’s mother, was actually not a bitch at all. She was the sweetest and most intelligent woman of all time,” Blondie Black corrected. “Is that question still on your census?”

The clown scrolled down a couple pages before he looked at Blondie Black straight in the face and said, “Yes. It would have been horrible if you had mistaken Tim Black's mother for his father, ya know. We would have had to go through this process all over again.”

“Thar would have been a real bitch. In that case, we will be more than happy to answer your question. It is always necessary for a dog to bark. It is a form of communication, a way of life, a way of being. Without a bark, who is a dog?” Blondie Black stated.

“That’s beautiful. I wish I had room to put that,” the clown said.

“Do you have a ‘notes’ section?” Blondie Black asked.

“Jesus Christ this is going to take forever,” Ruby Black said as she laid down and sighed.

BearBear Black sat near the clown and looked at the answers he was writing on the questionnaire.

“I do,” the clown said as he went to the very last page and wrote down Blondie Black’s quote about barking. “What is your name, great dog?”

“Blondie Black!” she answered as she puffed out her small blonde chest in pride.

“You are appropriately named,” the clown said as he quoted Blondie Black. “Now to get back to the task at hand, I have to ask this retarded question again, and I expect a retarded answer. Do any humans live at this residence?”

BearBear Black growled at him. “No,” she said.

He wrote down the answer with wide eyes. “Are the people of the house deceased?”

“HOW THE FUCK SHOULD WE KNOW?! YOU WOULD KNOW MORE THAN WE WOULD?!” BearBear Black shouted at him.

Coyotes howled into the evening.

“Do the coyotes live here?” the clown asked.

“Yes, but they literally just moved in. We know nothing about them,” Baby Black answered.

The clown looked frantically through the questionnaire for about five minutes.

Ruby Black sighed and looked into the yard where her dog pen used to be. It was in shambles all over the yard. The storm fucked it up.

“Well, as long as anyone doesn’t live inside the house, I don’t have to question them. Thank God. I wasn’t in the mood to be eaten by coyotes,” the clown said.

“Neither are we. Can we get on with it!?” Baby Black asked.

“Yes ma’am,” the clown said. He then started asking a bunch of questions. The dogs answered them as honestly as they thought they could without the flood gates of hell opening upon their life.

I was literally eating the bag of chips after eating all of the chips before they finally finished answering the questions three hours later. It was dark outside. My wife was worried about me, I’m sure.

The clown then thanked the dogs and disappeared into the night. Apparently, everyone disappears in Statham, GA.

“You can turn your technology back on,” BearBear Black said as she approached me. She walked like a wind-up toy from the 80s.

“Thank you,” I said to BearBear Black as I turned my cell phone on. As soon as the screen loaded, I called my wife again.

[losille2000]

The Ugly Duckling, Part I

TITLE: The Ugly Duckling CHAPTER NUMBER: 1/3 AUTHOR: Losille2000 WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor!Tom GENRE: Romance/PWP FIC SUMMARY: Sometimes an ugly duckling believes she’ll always be an ugly duckling until someone comes along and shows her otherwise. RATING: M (sex, language) WARNINGS: Um, nothing yet. AUTHORS NOTES: I… don’t know where this came from. But it came from somewhere and it’ll be at least two parts, maybe three. Let’s just say three. Short and sweet. But let’s be honest, I have whole world planned for this, so who knows if there will be more afterward. For the location mentioned in this story, you can watch any one of these videos to get an idea of the peril Astrid faces. The last one is the best, because it has nice, peaceful music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6wTgncf_rA

https://youtu.be/iZoacDf5p-U

https://youtu.be/xk6firqVC-U

https://youtu.be/S8GX486ym9Q

Part I - The Duckling

 Of all the harebrained ideas Astrid had ever had, hanging onto a cliff by her fingernails two hundred feet over a Hawaiian beach probably classified as the worst. Not that she planned it this way. In fact, the travel brochure she picked up at the tiny eight-gate Kauai airport said this path down to the secluded beach below it was easy enough for even the mildly physically inclined. She didn’t run marathons or anything, but chasing rambunctious kindergartners qualified her as mildly physically inclined. She certainly didn’t spend her time sitting at a desk job or riding a couch in front of the television. Right?

Wrong.

 Now she wished she had a gym membership and some modicum of upper body strength, just to hold herself up by the flimsiest piece of twine masquerading as a hand rail stretched between two shoots of thick bamboo. While her legs kicked wildly on the soft ground, searching for purchase.

 Maybe there was a reason why they called this Hideaways Beach, why they said only a few people ventured to it daily. She’d been lured in with the promise of relative privacy and solitude. She’d been blindsided by everything else.

 What the brochure neglected to mention was the on-and-off Hawaiian rain. And the fact that, after a rain, as it had done most of the night before, the trail became treacherously slippery. And apparently, in Hawaii, volcanic dirt happened to be five million percent slipperier than normal people dirt like she was used to back home in Las Vegas. This, also, wasn’t considering that most of the pre-laid handrails had either rusted away in the salty sea air or had never been placed to begin with on the steep incline. Like some construction crew realized trying to make the path safe wasn’t even worth their time or effort. They knew the haole would be stupid enough to try it out anyway.

 Like her.

 Because she was so haole, it hurt. Not to mention stupid.

 She realized now, with some startling clarity, that she was probably going to plummet to her death, completely alone. Unloved. Young, basic, and likely easily forgotten. At least the view before she met her fate was gorgeous enough. Anyone would be lucky to die staring out at the crystalline waters of Kauai’s north shore.

 But she’d already come too far to give up and, looking back up the steep, uneven stairs leading to the top of the trailhead, she couldn’t summon the energy to try to climb them. Falling, or at least going downhill, seemed like the best option. There was no turning back, even though she still hadn’t figured out how to maneuver her shoe-covered feet into the soft red mud beneath her. Maybe sliding down the muddy incline would be better?

 She groaned as she released her sloth-like hold on the nylon rope, setting her butt on the muddy path. The red goo smooshed into the thin bathing suit cover-up she wore, and it honestly felt like she’d had an accident. But her burning arms finally had a rest. And at least like this, she wasn’t liable to take any cartwheels down the cliff. Maybe she’d just sit there and waste away, or maybe turn into Te Fiti from Moana. Her students loved that movie. She’d promised to bring back photos from her adventures to share with them. They’d be so disappointed that they didn’t get to see where Moana and Lilo and Stitch were from.

 “Um, excuse me,” said a deep, tentative voice above her.

 Astrid startled, but she didn’t jump far, the mud creating a strong suction with her bottom. To add insult to injury, the suction made a disgusting wet fart sound as she settled back into her spot. Now she could die from mortification instead of blunt force trauma. Just great!

 A tall man, thin but muscular, peered down at her through dark Ray Bans. He wore a holey threadbare t-shirt in blue with crinkled board shorts underneath, those a plain black. A brightly colored beach towel decorated in hibiscus was slung over a broad shoulder. The dirty boat shoes on his feet seemed to be doing perfectly well holding him upright on the slippery path, enabling him to peer down his straight patrician nose at her. His face pinched and he looked up toward the sun beating down through the trees while he readjusted his baseball cap.

 “I’m sorry to bother,” he said again. Goodness, his voice was rich, like honey. His English accent made him purr. Maybe he was doing it on purpose, trying to calm the crazy not-really-farting lady sitting on her ass on a hiking trail. “But are you okay?”

 Astrid squinted and looked up at him. He looked like a giant from her position, impossibly tall, like one of the trees surrounding them. “Do I look like I’m okay?” She felt the wetness on her cheek and reached up, wiping away a few anguished tears that seemed to have erupted without her knowledge. She didn’t know if she was crying because she had failed herself, or because she was relieved someone found her.

 “May I help you?” he asked, extending a hand. It was a nice hand, big palm, with thin, elegant fingers. His forearm was nice, too. He probably worked out, hence why he was still standing.

 She was definitely hitting the gym when she got home. If she got home.

 Astrid reached for him, closing her fingers around his forearm, as he did the same to her, for more leverage. With a little hoist, and some more effort, she was finally standing on two shaky legs again. Except now that she had him for support, she didn’t want to let go.

 He was more solid than any of the railings around her. She liked it; he peered down at her with amusement on his lips. Maybe she needed to let go of his arm, but she was too terrified to do so.

 “Are you going down or coming up?” he asked.

 “I have absolutely no idea,” she said with a high-pitched chuckle that came out as exasperation. “I’m technically still going down, but I think maybe I should go back. But then I’m looking back up there, and I don’t think I have it in me right now.”

 His bright laugh made her insides bubble. “How about we tumble down the trail together?”

 “You sure you want to do that?” she asked. “I’m a bit of a walking disaster.”

 He looked down the trail, and back up, then straight at her. At least she imagined he was looking at her. The sunglasses were too dark to see through. “I’m game if you are.”

 “You’re probably going to regret it.”

 “Let me be the judge of that.”

 Astrid couldn’t contain the silly giggle that bubbled up her throat. At least there was some gallantry left in the world. Most men wouldn’t even look at her twice, much less stop to help her… and then offer to escort her down the cliff face with the threat of meeting their own demise. She just wasn’t worth it.

 They moved slowly and quietly, and once they were past the initial incline, it became easier to walk without taking small, measured steps to preserve balance. The incline turned shallow, and the terrain changed from dirt to rocks and leaves. These seemed to be mostly dry, covered as they were with such a dense tree canopy above the trail.

 Finally, they made it to the beach. True to the travel brochure’s word, it was completely empty. Oh, and it was gorgeous. Aided by the difficult path down, she figured not many people had spent time in this pretty little cove, making the water bluer, the sand cleaner, and the reef more vibrant through the clear aquamarine waters. It was a perfect place to spend a day, even after almost hurtling to a sure death.

 She sighed and glanced at the man beside her, who seemed to have frozen in his own awe of the location.  Astrid smiled, looking at his profile. High cheekbones, strong jaw covered in a healthy growth of stubble. Short auburn curls poked out from beneath his hat. He looked youngish, yet older than her. She wanted to see his eyes, to gauge his attractiveness further. Not that it mattered. Because it didn’t. He was just being nice, helping her.

 “So, uh, thank you,” she finally said, making him turn to look at her.

 He grinned. “No problem.”

 What did she say? Should she invite him to sit with her? It was weird being the only two people down here, now strangely bonded through a near-death experience. Well, her near-death experience. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, then drew in a breath. “Yeah, have a good day.”

 And that’s how she left it, giving him a stupid semi-wave of her hand as she scurried through the grainy yellow sand to her right. Away from him, and away from the awkwardness. She hated awkward, but Awkward was her middle name. Always had been, though her mom had refused to let her use it as her Confirmation name when she was taking catechism classes as a child. She went with Joan, as in ‘of Arc’, instead. Thought it’d give her the push to be courageous for once in her life.

 Astrid knew exactly where courageous got her. She’d barely survived the hike down the cliff.

 Astrid took the rucksack from her back and pulled out her own beach towel, laying it carefully on an untouched patch of sand, half under a shade tree, but still with a good splash of sun. Then she tossed off her own sunglasses and wide-brimmed hat before heading to the water.  She waded into the surf, letting the cool ocean tickle her toes. Preferably, she’d have come later in the year for warmer temperatures, but March’s spring break meant she still might be able to see the whales that came in the spring for their calving.

 She carefully inched further into the water, peeling off her cover-up and jumping into a reef-less area of deeper water to wash off the slimy red mud clinging to her body. Fortunately, most of it disappeared in a cloud of rusty water, but her clothing didn’t fare as well. At least she was still alive to tell the tale.

 After bobbing in the slow undulating waves for a few minutes, she trudged back for the shoreline and her blanket, wringing her wet hair as she emerged. Even though it was wet, she could pick out the light golden streaks running through the usually mousy brown, actually making it look something other than drab for a change. If only she could keep it and her nice tan going for the rest of the spring and summer, she’d be happy.

 The tiny hairs on her neck rose, and a frisson of electricity sizzled up her back.  A sure sign someone was watching her, or at least had looked at her. She glanced to her left to make sure no one else was there—she’d been duped before thinking someone was looking at her, but they were really looking past her—and then glanced at the only other person on the beach.

 He stood still at the surf’s edge, his feet buried in the sand, small frothy waves lapping at his ankles. But his eyes were on her, not on what he was doing. Still with the glasses and hat, she couldn’t really make out any intent in his gaze, other than a friendly smile and a nod of his head.

 The thought that he might be checking her out made her laugh again. No one checked her out. Well, maybe not ‘no one,’ but the someones who did were typically only in bars and clubs when she was the only one left out of a group of girls or the men were too drunk to care who they went home with.

 It wasn’t false modesty, either, that had made her laugh… and blush… at the stranger’s attention. She’d always known she wasn’t pretty. Not like her older sister, the beauty queen. Or her cousins, all striking in their own way. Her mother had called her the ugly duckling—she of the unremarkable plumage, plain face, and squat rounded figure. A terrible thing for a mother to say, but that was Mom. Love her or hate her.

 Astrid had waited to turn into a swan for years, like the story she always read to her kindergarten classes, but it still hadn’t happened. And why would it? This wasn’t a fairy tale and that man wasn’t looking at her appreciatively. He was probably just being nice, his eyes finding the only other moving thing on the secluded beach, before moving on.

 She settled down onto her towel, deciding to lay first on her stomach and read a bit from the Kindle she’d brought, since it seemed to have survived her slip earlier. She didn’t get very far before a voice called out to her.

 “Is the book good?” called the Englishman, now closer to her, but still at the surf’s edge. He was looking back in her direction, then bending down to inspect a shell on the sand.

 Astrid frowned. “Excuse me?”

 He motioned to the Kindle sitting on the blanket in front of her. “You came to one of the most beautiful places in the world and you’re reading instead of watching. I sure hope the book is worth it.”

 “You don’t like to read?”

 He barked out a laugh and looked back at the sun. “I love to read, but I find there’s so much to explore in unfamiliar places like this. Unless you live here and this isn’t new to you.”

 Ah, so he was playing the information mining game. “If I lived here, do you think I’d be stupid enough to attempt that hike on my own?”

 “No, I suppose not,” he said. “Then where’s home?”

 “Las Vegas.”

 “I’ve been,” he replied. “Fun city.”

 Sure, if you liked always smelling of stale cigarette smoke, losing money, and ignoring the seedy underbelly of a city built on mobs, human trafficking, and obscene wealth that never trickled past the Strip. Astrid rolled her eyes and dipped her head to read again.

 He didn’t take the clue. “Where are you staying?”

 She groaned and shut her Kindle cover. “At the condos right next to the trailhead.”

 “I’m at the St. Regis down the way,” he offered. “This the first time you tried to come down here?”

 “First time I’ve had the courage to attempt it,” she shot back.

 The man nodded, running his fingers thoughtfully across his mouth. “It’s my third time. I slipped the first time, as well.”

 Astrid rolled her eyes. “You did not.”

 “I did! Arse over kettle,” he said.

 She scoffed. “You’re a lying liar who lies.”

 “Why would it be so difficult to think I fell? That trail should probably be closed due to safety concerns,” he replied, stepping closer to her, dry sand sticking to his bare feet as he walked. Eventually, he stopped in front of her with his hands on his hips, looking down his nose again.

 From her vantage, all she could really see was crotch, so she quickly pulled herself up into a sitting position. She rested back on her hands, with her legs outstretched. “I had my hands on you, I know how strong you are.”

 “Muscles don’t mean strength,” he said.

 Astrid groaned and rolled her eyes again. This man was both incredibly annoying and alluring all at once and she wanted to keep talking with him… until she didn’t. Finally, he seemed to get her reticence and turned on his heels, walking back toward the water, stripping off his glasses, hat and shirt as he went. They landed on the sand in a heap.

 He dove into the blue depths, but the moment before he did it was long enough for Astrid to verify that the man was walking muscle. How long did he have to work out every day just to maintain it? Or was he naturally that lean? It was ridiculous and a little unfair, really.

 When he popped up out of the water, he was facing her direction, the first time she’d been given an opportunity to really see him. And heavens, was he gorgeous. Not just the sculpted-from-marble body, but his face. Maybe not male model pretty, but that’s what made him so attractive to her. He was a man, interesting and maybe a little on the rugged side, not some baby-faced model perfection. The water dripping around him and off of him, however, made it seem like he’d been ripped straight from the romance novel she’d been attempting to read a few minutes ago.

 Maybe he was. Maybe this was all some delusion she’d created as she lay dying on the bottom of the cliff, after actually falling the two hundred feet. She pinched her arm.

 No, not a delusion. He was real, and he was headed for her. Again.

 “So,” he said, dripping onto her towel as he pulled the hat back down on his head and replaced the sunglasses. For what she had been able to see of his sea-green eyes, she found them to be intense and gorgeous. But she knew she’d have to stare into them for a while to know for sure.

 “Yes?” she asked, lifting a brow at him.

 “Would you have dinner with me tonight?”

 She tried not to sound incredulous. But there was no helping it. No one that looked like him had ever asked her out to dinner like this. “Excuse me?”

 He chuckled at her. “Dinner, at the St. Regis. Say seven?”

 Astrid frowned. “I’m sorry, but—”

 “It’s the only polite thing to do after I saved you,” he said.

 “Shouldn’t I be the one inviting you out, then?” she asked.

 He shrugged his shoulder. “Nah. My treat. I’d simply like the pleasure of your company.”

 “What about the people I came with?”

 “The more the merrier,” he said, but he hedged anyway. He wanted her alone, clearly. Which was strange. Everything about this day had been strange. “How many shall I make the reservation for?”

 But he knew. She didn’t know how he knew she was all alone, but he did. Even though she couldn’t see his eyes, as they were once again hidden behind his sunglasses, she felt them on her, assessing her, reading her. He had her number. She only wished she had his.

 “Just the two of us,” she finally replied. “I don’t even know your name.”

 That seemed to change him, to make him do a double take. Almost as though he were surprised by the question. He cleared his throat and said, “Henry Longfellow.”

 “That’s a stupid name,” she said. “And fake.”

 “How do you know?”

 Astrid licked her lips. “Add a Wadsworth in there and you’ve got yourself one of the greatest American poets to ever poet.”

 His shoulders slumped and he harrumphed. “I’m impressed you know that. What’s your name, then?”

 She sighed. She damn well wasn’t going to give him her real name if he wasn’t going to give his. “How ‘bout Jane Austen?”

 “Ha!” He laughed. “No Jane, can’t do Jane. You strike me as more of a Brontë--a little darker and more Gothic around the edges than old Jane.”

 “Charlotte, then,” she said.

 “Not Emily?”

 Astrid shrugged. “I’m more of a Rochester girl than a Heathcliff.”

 He stared at her for good long moment, as though memorizing what she looked like. “Alright, dinner at seven, then, Charlotte.”

 “Do you do this often?” she called to him as he turned and started for his towel.

 “Do what?” he asked.

 “Make edicts and expect people to follow them?”

 He grinned. “Most people do what I say.”

 Astrid couldn’t believe his cockiness. But there was also an infectious friendliness in him that made it difficult to say no to anything. “If I don’t make it tonight, it’s because I’m stuck down here, or dead at the bottom of the cliff from trying to climb back up.”

 He laughed. “I have faith in you, Charlotte.”

 “Thanks,” she said, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

 “Seven! Don’t forget! Or I’ll come bang on every one of the doors of the flats you’re staying at,” he yelled, slipping onto the path and out of sight.

 Astrid groaned and fell back on her towel, staring up at the impossibly blue sky.

 When had her life turned into this, anyway? Damn it, though, if she wasn’t just a little excited. She let out a little squeal and reached for her Kindle, happy to finally have the peace she craved, as well as a weird new happiness bubbling up inside her.

[sunken-standard]

Drabble Meme Prompt Fill Number Infinity

Since I had three sets of prompts with significant overlap, I combined them:

Requested by @mistykins06:Dear one. I'm incredibly late to the latest Drabble challenge so I shall throw 86 (You’re cute with glasses)  and 96 (I could’ve gone pro) at you to do with what you will. Love, Mistykins06 Requested by @mizjoely: If you're still taking prompts, 20, 21 & 22 would be fab (together, apart, whatever floats your boat!) - When’s the last time you smiled?/ Stop being such a brat/ If I wanted one, I would have gotten it myself Requested by @theleftpill: For the drabble meme - I have no idea what the phrases are since I don't have the original list, so I'm choosing numbers for personal reasons: 86 (You’re cute with glasses ), 20 (When’s the last time you smiled?), 22 (If I wanted one, I would have gotten it myself)

Set in The Cheese Stands Alone ‘verse.

"You’re cute with glasses"/ "I could’ve gone pro"/ "When’s the last time you smiled?"/ "Stop being such a brat"/ "If I wanted one, I would have gotten it myself"

"Stop being such a brat and just come back," Molly said, her ancient cordless phone wedged between her ear and shoulder as she refilled the salt shaker.  She always tidied her kitchen when she was using her land line, it was ridiculous.  Who still used a land line anyway? Her one remaining friend from the Tom-era and former colleague 'Meena,' apparently.  Dull.  "Three is old enough to stay home alone for a few hours while you take a shift in the lab.  Just give him a little Benylin and put him in a dog crate with a blanket over it, turn on the telly for some noise, he won't even know you're gone."

Ah yes, the future mother of my children, Sherlock thought dryly.

"Pfft, unfit.  And if I wanted one, I would have got it myself.  No, it's not baby-snatching if you leave something of equal value in the pram, like a puppy or a bag of apples."

He glanced up and she was smiling that little dimply, impish smile of hers.  She was trying to murder him; cause of death—ironically unrequited love and cuteness.

"I'm telling you, the new techs they send in just keep getting worse.  I don't know where they're getting them, but..."  A pause while Meena said something that made Molly's lips twist into a half-smile, half grimace.  "Oh, he was a dope, but at least he's not a creep.  This new one, Gaz—yeah, I know, right?—spent his entire first day staring at my tits like he was trying to make eye contact with them to assert his dominance or something."

He's not going to last long, Sherlock thought darkly.  His eyes drifted to her chest, her bra-less breasts wobbling  rather enticingly under her t-shirt.  Molly would find a way to take care of it, she always did, but if she didn't, he could arrange for 'Gaz' to accidentally fall down some stairs or something else equally violent and debilitating.  One of the many perks of associating with the criminal classes.

Molly snapped her fingers in front of her chest to get his attention, then pointed rather pointedly to her eyes while pursing her lips.  They're up here.

Shit. She'd caught him looking.  And rather than being flustered or flattered or—best-case—ready to throw the phone down and whip her t-shirt over her head to let him have a go at them, she just looked annoyed.

She laughed at something Meena said and went back to tidying the worktop.

*

"Ugh, my ear feels like it's going to fall off," she said, flopping down next to him on the sofa.  It was a Herculean effort not to watch her breasts bounce as she did it; now that she knew he looked and she wasn't happy about it, it was all he wanted to do.  Well, more than he normally did, which, to be fair, was a significant amount of time anyway.

He looked at her ear, instead, which was quite red from where it had been pressed to the phone for the last hour and change.

"Now you know why I don't like lengthy phone conversations."

"You don't like any phone conversations," she contradicted, pulling that scornful face of hers that made her look like she should be wearing a ball gown, surrounded by birds and anthropomorphic mice and talking teapots.

"Texting is easier."

"Not when I'm in the middle of a post-mortem."

"That's why you have assistants."

"I have assistants to assist with the post-mortem. Not to answer questions like, 'Could you, in theory, fit three Walnut Whips in your mouth at once?'  Though really, can't complain about that one, the next day I had seven of them on my desk because apparently Ann told everyone in the department and they all wanted to know.  So, I mean, free chocolate.  Oh, don't make that face."

"What face?  This is my normal face."  He might have been making a face; that text was actually supposed to be private, since it wasn't for a case and more a matter of personal curiosity.  He'd also been eating a Walnut Whip at the time and was having other, entirely less innocent thoughts about her eating one, too.

"Well, yes, but it's a glower.  When's the last time you smiled?"

"Yesterday, though it may have just been wind," he answered dryly.

It had the desired effect; she couldn't help herself and snorted.  Molly loved a fart joke.  Maybe he could get her to watch some Monty Python again later.  

*

"I really wish Meena would come back.  She was so good at her job—no accidents, always there on time, never ran the wrong tests on the wrong samples.  And she was so much fun!  She was the one who dared me to wear her glasses when they did the new ID badge photos.  We were talking about how no one ever checks them anyway and I could probably wear a clown nose and a rainbow wig and no one would even raise an eyebrow," Molly said, her tone wistful.  

"Mm, always wondered why you had them in that picture," he murmured distractedly, deftly applying a second coat of red varnish to her middle toenail.  Being her stand-in girlfriend wasn't all bad all the time; at least he got to be physically close to her and she talked to him. "You look cute with glasses."

Bollocks, he thought.  He hadn't meant to say that out loud.  He hoped she'd just take it as a girlfriend thing, like telling her her hair was on point or those shoes were hot or whatever it was women said to each other to be supportive.

"Oh, ah, thank you," she said.  It was almost a question.  

"You're welcome?" he answered, making it a question himself.

He finished applying the varnish in excruciating silence; he was very aware of Molly watching him as he picked her foot up off his lap to blow on her still-wet nails.  It was a heavy moment.

"You're, ah, really good at that.  Pedicures, I mean," Molly said, her voice strained.

"Had a case once for a nail salon owner.  Industrial espionage, more or less—well, less, more than more, they had their own line of varnishes and care products that were being tampered with.  Learned how to do it there.  She said I could've gone pro.  I even got to keep the tips," he babbled, realizing he'd been swiping his thumb over Molly's ankle.

"Just the tips?" Molly asked, and he really wasn't sure if she was making a sex joke or asking a genuine question; he swallowed hard against the implication of the former and the very vivid image his brain supplied him with.

"Actually got a bottle of nail varnish, too.  I used it in an experiment.  It was purple."  I carried a watermelon.

Good thing she didn't know he'd actually seen (and liked) Dirty Dancing; he could at least maintain the illusion of having a working pair of testicles. There had to be an appropriate joke in there about the colour blue as well, but he was having a hard time (ha) thinking past the smoothness of her skin.  She'd shaved just the night before.

"How is your ankle, by the way?" he asked, changing the subject to something safe.

"Much better, barely feel it now.  Bruising's almost gone," she said too quickly, grateful that the conversation was moving away from weird, at least.

"I see," he said, pushing up her trouser leg under the pretence of inspecting her ankle.

"I mean, you can still wait on me hand and foot and carry me up the stairs, if you're still feeling guilty," she joked. "Wouldn't mind a bacon butty right now.  Or a glass of wine.  Or both."

He turned to her with a look of appalled affront at her gustatory choices, then let it drop.  "Actually, do you have any bacon in? I'm a bit peckish myself."

"No, but I've still got plenty of cheese."

"Grilled cheese it is, then.  Goes better with the wine, anyway," he said, easing himself out from under her feet.

*

"Mm, God, this is gorgeous," she said, using her finger to swipe a gooey string of cheese off of her chin.  "Since when do you know how to cook things that aren't potentially explosive or otherwise hazardous?"

"I'm a man of many talents," he said before biting into his own sandwich.  Using the sliced apple in it had been a stroke of brilliance if he did say so himself.  "I know how to both boil and fry an egg, too," he added.

"With skills like that, you'll make some lucky woman very happy one day," she said lightly.  "You can certainly fill out an apron." She gave him an amused mock-leer from where she was leaned against the sink with her plate.

The apron was rather ridiculous, but he wasn't going to ruin a £300 shirt with grease splatter.

"Well, if you ever come across a woman who doesn't mind the occasional potentially explosive or otherwise hazardous dinner, enjoys solving crimes, and can provide me with human body parts for experimentation, then do give her my number," he said, skirting the edge of actually flirting by injecting just a hint of sarcasm into his tone. It was either that or drop to his knees and beg her to just give him a chance to make her happy; he'd rather not ruin the evening, though.

"I don't know, a woman like that sounds awfully dangerous.  Probably has a few bodies buried in her back garden.  Could have had an ex-boyfriend that was a criminal mastermind.  Maybe he's even buried in her back garden."  She smirked before taking a bite of her sandwich.  

He was hit with the memory of when he'd told her Moriarty was dead and she needed to do something with the body until Mycroft could arrange disposal; Shall I just bury him in my back garden, then? had been her incredulous response.  Hadn't been nearly as amusing at the time.

Wait, was she flirting?  Or was she just going along with the joke?

"I like a woman who knows her way around a shovel.  Graverobbing's always much more fun with two."

"I thought that was housebreaking."

"That too. Lots of things are better with two.  Vandalism, confidence tricks, footraces, most board games..."

"Sex," she supplied.

"Probably," he agreed.

He could almost hear the needle scratch across the vinyl before she scrutinized him.

"I mean, with one person it's not really sex as such and three or more is just too many, so two for sex.  Two is the magic number there. Two people.  Having sex," he stumbled to clarify, anything to cover the fact that he had no first-hand knowledge of the act.  

"Ohhh-kay."

And it was going so well there for a minute.

*

"Sherlock," she said, pulling her calves away from his still-cold feet.

"Hm."

"If I, ah, ever did meet a woman like you described before, or, I mean, someone I thought you might like, would you, ah, ever want me to introduce you?  Because, I—I would."

"Thank you, but no."

"Women not your area, married to your work, right."

"No, that's just what I tell John when asks annoying, invasive questions." Because it was dark and he was turned away from her and there was always something about the night-time that made confessions easier, he said it.  "To be quite honest, I'm not interested in meeting any women.  I've already met one and I can't really imagine anyone else being able to hold a candle to her."

"Oh," she said quietly, sadly.  "If you, ah, ever want to talk about it, I mean, it must be hard to keep up long distance for so long..."

Long distance?  What was she—oh.  Irene Adler, John's blog and the lie he'd told about the witness protection scheme in America.  

Really though, what he had with Molly could be considered long distance; the other side of the bed may as well be the other side of the world for all the distance between them.

"It can be trying at times, but every moment I do get with her is precious," he said sincerely.  It was probably a cruel thing to do to make her think it was someone else, but maybe, just maybe, if he could get his feelings out like this, he could tell her the truth someday.  Or else he was shooting himself in the foot.

She reached over and gave his arm a gentle squeeze.

"I'd spend every hour of every day with her if I could.  Sleep next to her every night.  Apart from the cold feet, I don't think she'd mind."

"She probably doesn't mind the cold feet as much as she pretends to," Molly said, her voice taking on that gentle, heartbreaking tone of hers when she was clamping down on her own misery to ease someone else's.  

He'd maybe made a bit of a mistake, miscalculated how deeply buried the feelings she used to have for him still were.  He didn't want to hurt her.

He wiggled backwards a bit and pressed his feet against her again; this time to the outside of her leg, one foot from her ankle to mid-calf, the other above it.

"Or maybe she does mind it, but she puts up with your bullshit because she loves you too much anyway," Molly said, poking him in the back.

His heart sped up with the thought of Molly loving him in return; what a wonderful thing that would be.

"I do sometimes wonder if she does.  She's never said it.  Not in so many words, at least."

"Have you ever said it to her?  I mean, assuming you do love her, which it sounds like you do."

"Oh, I do.  More than I ever thought possible.  Never found the right moment to actually tell her, though.  The timing's always bad."

"Mm. Yeah."  A pause.  "I'm sure you'll find the right time and the right words one day."

"One hopes," he dismissed.

They settled back down to sleep, both lost in their own thoughts.  

"Molly—"

"Hm?"

"Goodnight." He just couldn't do it.  Wanted to, but couldn't.

One day.

[zombierunfiction]

Season 2 Mission 11: The Kids Are Alright

A few days later the sky was overcast with snow fall imminent in the next few days.  Charlotte was putting on her layers of clothes for her run.  She had gotten a message on Rofflenet from Archie that they would be doing a run together based on what Charlotte and Estaban had found in Lem's home.  She walked out of the comms shack and headed for the packs when Evan stopped her before she got there.

"Good morning Charlotte."  Evan said quickly.

Charlotte blinked looking up at him slightly.  "Hi Evan.  Can I help you with something?"

"I am planning a mission with Janine and the Major in the next few weeks and I want you to go with me."  Evan said simply.

She took a slow breath as she looked at him.  "What's the mission?"

"Need to know right now.  But I am specifically requesting you to accompany me."  He said looking down at her.

"Why?"

"Everything will be explained during the mission."  Evan said briskly.

"So I don't have much of a choice do I?"  Charlotte said with a sharp edge to her tone.

Evan raised an eyebrow.  "You do.  You always can say no.  But it will be in your best interest to come with me."

"Fine.  But if I don't like how things are going, I'm heading back to Abel."  Charlotte said as Evan nodded.

"Agreed.  Have a good run Charlotte."  Evan started to walk past her before stopping.  "I have to say the long hair suited you better."  He said before heading away from the packs.  

Charlotte turned and looked at his retreating back.  She knew that something was going to happen on that mission and would need to be ready.  She hoped she was just being paranoid but something in the way Evan looked at her spoke otherwise.  She grabbed her pack and axe then headed for the gate.

"Raise the gates!"  Sam said in her headset.  The gates raised with the siren as Sam sighed softly.  "Oh, man.  Those gates have had a hard life.  Just look at them!  If those gates could talk, they'd say. 'Help, I'm constantly being attacked by zombies!' Right, where was I?  Oh, yeah, Covering fire!"  The snipers take out a few zombies that were near by.  "And you're off!"  Charlotte took off down the path heading for the meeting point.

"How are you today love?"  Sam asked with a smile.

"I'm ok."  Charlotte said slowly.

"Something bothering you?"  He questioned.

"Just something that happened before I got my pack.  Do you know anything about a mission that Evan is planning in the next few weeks?"  Charlotte questions.

"Um... I don't have anything but then again Janine makes out the missions for the week.  Why?"

Charlotte sighed softly.  "Evan asked me... well more like told me that I would be going on a mission with him that is in my best interest to go."

"And your leery about it."  Sam finished.

"Yeah... I really hope I'm just overreacting but... he said that he said the long hair was better on me..."

Sam was silent for a moment.  "Do you want me to try talking to him?"

Charlotte sighed softly.  "I will talk to him on the mission.  I told him that if something doesn't feel right I will leave."

"That's my girl.  Now anyway onto the mission.  You know what they say about children and animals, yeah?  So, it turns out there was all sorts of interesting stuff in that journal Lem left behind.  Hmm, that's not good, is it?"  Sam said slowly.

"What is it?"  Charlotte asked as she suddenly stopped seeing what Sam probably saw.  The road was flooded in front of her forcing her to go a longer way around.  "Looks like that rain we had last night was rather hard.  No wonder I slept so well."  she said chuckling.

"Nice to know.  Out of those CD's you and Jody brought back there's one of nature sounds.  I'll play that for you when I'm doing night work."  Sam said making Charlotte smile.

"You're a sweet heart Sammy."  Charlotte said with a smile.  

"You're welcome... damn that is a lot of flooding.  Bloody global warming.  You'd think the apocalypse would have stopped it, but apparently, the gas from all those decaying zombies is worse than cow farts."  Sam said gagging.  "Runner Seven and Four have beaten a path through that linseed to your left.  Just follow that."

Charlotte continued to run already being able to see her breath.    "So you were saying something about children?"

"Oh yea.  Lem talked about this guy called Jamie, who's been looking after a whole bunch of kids since the Big Zed.  Lem used to bring stuff they needed - toys, food, vaccines, DVD's of In the Night Garden - but he really wanted to move the whole lot of them to New Canton, only... well you know what happened before he could."  Sam explained.

"That still doesn't seem right.  The people who do the most good get taken out while people who hurt others like Van Ark continue to live."  Charlotte said almost bitterly.

"I know..."  Sam sighed softly.  "So, anyway, the Fraternal Alliance - does that sound weird to you?  It sounds weird to me.  apparently, that's what we've agreed with New Canton to call ourselves."  He laughs softly. "The Fraternal Alliance is going to try and finish what Lem started.  We located the kids' primary school, and we're hoping they're still alive after all this time.  Keep running, and keep your fingers crossed.  If, uh, that doesn't interfere with the running."  

"Not to worry Sam, I can do both."  Charlotte said continuing to run.

Soon Charlotte came up to an old rail road line that looked like it hadn't been used in years.  "Alright Five, you've crossed the rail line, which means you might come to the end of my camera coverage fairly soon.  Those bloody fast zoms took out about a dozen to the east, here.  New Canton's supplying us with headcams, but until those arrive, it's going to be audio only, I'm afraid."  Sam said.

"I noticed mine didn't have a head cam.  Did it need work?"  Charlotte asked as she ran along side the rail line.

"On the plus side, I've got someone else to entertain you!"  Sam said happily

"I'm not exactly here for a casual chat, Sam."  Maxine said seriously.

"Yeah, I know.  I'm sure you can still be entertaining."  Sam reassured.

"Oh yeah. I'm a riot!"  Maxine said with a grin.

"You know, I hardly ever seem to see you anymore."  Charlotte said slowly.  

"Yeah... I know you Maxine.  Paula's working with Van Ark.  She's half-zombified.  It's not nothing, Maxine.  No matter how much you pretend, you haven't been the same since... well, since we had the news."  Sam said slowly.

"I can't, Sam.  I just... can't talk about."  Maxine said seriously.

"Well, you know that, when you want tom we're both here for you."  Charlotte said.

"Yeah.  Well, we've got a mission to run."  Maxine bypassed.

"Yeah. Um, but you know... yeah. Uh, Runner Five, you see that left turn up ahead?  Take that, and keep running.  You're getting close now."  Sam said as she followed his instructions.  She looked up at the sky seeing the low over hanging clouds above her gave her an ominous feeling.  "Okay, Runner Five. You're almost in sight of the target now.  Probably time for Maxine to fill you in on the reason she's here."

"It's these children.  The Major's concerned about them, about their mental health, I should say." Maxine said slowly.

"Yeah, Look at all of us.   I mean, we've all dropped a few sandwiches from the picnic hamper since the apocalypse.  And we're grown-ups.  How the hell do you cope with this kind of thing if you're a child?"  Sam questions.

"Not well I assume."  Charlotte suggested.  "Hell divorce is pretty tramatic to a child seeing family members go gray and see them get eaten that's a whole different level."

"I'm no child psychologist-"  Maxine started.

"Now, that was the old old Runner four.  He was eaten by zoms before you showed up."  Sam said.

"Which means I'm the best we have left.  I did a residency in pediatrics back home, and I suspect PTSD will be the least of it with these kids."  Maxine said.

Charlotte nodded slowly.  "Considering what I've seen of the children at Abel they seem pretty resistant to what's going on.  My father used to say that children were like rubber.  Things bounce off them without context."

"Somethings do somethings don't."  Maxine said slowly.

"Hmm.  Hold on, still have visual on you, Five.  There's movement inside that discount warehouse ahead.  Too far to be certain, but... yeah, steer clear.  Don't want to lead the zombies straight on to the kids.  That could be... actually, I don't even want to think about it."  Sam said.

"And there's your problem!"  Maxine exclaims.  "Adults are pretty good at denial.  Children?  They don't have the defense mechanisms.  Everything they experience is raw."

"It might be raw Maxine but somethings they don't understand so they don't have context.  They might very well think of this as a joke the adults are playing."  Charlotte said slowly.  "How old are these children?"

"From what Lem wrote they were Year 1 students.  So around 5 to 6 years old."  Sam said.

"They could be doing much better than you would believe.  It's when they become adults that things will be dicey."  Charlotte cautioned.

"Which we won't know until we meet up with them."  Maxine said quickly.

"Did you ever want kids, Maxine?  With Paula, I mean?"  Sam questioned.

Maxine sighed heavily.  "You're not going to let this lie, are you?"

"No.  He's right you know.  It's not healthy to bottle it up Maxine."  Charlotte said as she jumpped over a set of fallen branches.

"Actually, I didn't want kids.  Paula did.  We had a huge row about it, once.  She said I was just being selfish, and that I'd make a great mom!"  Maxine said softly.  "Kind of contradictory, if you think about it.  But it's probably just as well, isn't it?  With the world as it is now.  Ugh, it's no place for children."

Charlotte took a slow breath.  "I know I can only speak for myself Maxine... but if I could have a child I would want one."

"R-Really?"  Sam stuttered.

Charlotte laughed.  "Yes really Sam.  Could you imagine a child between us?  Half chinese half Creole?"  

Sam chuckled softly.  "Yea that would be amazing.  I imagine that a lot of children are going to be orphaned because of this... maybe we could take one in.  In the future I mean."  He stammered.

Charlotte smiles.  "I'd like that."

"Look at that, over there."  Maxine said suddenly as Charlotte blinked looking around before stopping in a small clearing seeing yet another one of the campsites that had been poping up recently.  It was always a ring of stones with burnt wound that had been put out with holes in the group all around the area.

"I still think these look like my old girl scout days."  Charlotte said checking the circle of rocks.  

They were cold.

"You were a girl scout?"  Maxine questioned.

"For a summer.  I was 8 and I punched out another girl for stealing the money I got from selling cookies.  Long story short I was kicked out, my mother was devistated and my father had it out with the girls father."  Charlotte said standing up.

Maxine and Sam started to laugh before hearing footsteps coming up behind Charlotte making her turn seeing Archie running over.  "Hey, Charlotte!  Fancy meeting you here in this mysterious abandoned campsite on the way towards the school.  They're so interesting and strange, these camps."

"You arranged to meet Runner five here, Archie.  You're going on this mission together."  Sam said sounding rather confused.

"I know!  But I'm still pleased to see Runner Five!  alive, and also not hating NAdia anymore.  You don't hate Nadia anymore, do you?"  Archie asks softly.

"Hate is a strong word Archie.  I have forgiven Nadia for what happened but I won't forget.  If she tries it again well I'll make sure she is removed from the radio operators position permanently."  Charlotte said with a serious look.

Archie nodded slowly.  "I understand."

"Nadia's been reinstated.  I think it was pretty big of Runner five to speak on her behalf."  Sam said almost bitterly.

"Yes.  Charlotte is very nice.  That's why we're going to rescue all these children!"  Archie said happily.

"Okay, well, you should be close to the school soon."  Sam said as they left the camp site heading towards the school building.  "I'm losing full-grade visual.  Uh, yeah tell me what you can see."

Archie and Charlotte stopped at the top of a hill overlooking the school yard and building.  "There's a big brown... actually, it's more beige?  Maybe cream?  A big cream building, with a fence around it, and an oak tree in front.  Is that it?"  Archie asked.

"Sounds about right.  Any sign of the kids?"  Sam asked.

"No.  Looks very quiet up here."  Charlotte said as they scanned the area.

"Too quiet."  Archie said before blinking.  "Can Is ay that?  'Too quiet'?  If I say it, will a man in a hockey mask jump out and kill me?"

"More likely to be a zom."  Charlotte said with a chuckle.

"Like those zombies - the ones shambling towards us from the school gates?"  Archie said pointing to the small group heading towards them.

"Yes quite."  Charlotte said as they started to run  around them heading for the school.

"I don't like the sound of that."  Sam said slowly.

"And the school is empty."  Charlotte said slowly.  "There's blood on the hopscotch court, and the windows are all broken.  No bodies though... maybe those zombies..."

"Don't say it!"  Sam called quickly.

"Oh, oh, wait!  I see two children in the playing field."  Archie said pointing at the two distant figures.  "But the zombies have seen them, too!"  She said quickly.

"You've got to run-"  Sam started before Archie lept in.

"We're going!"  She said determinedly.  The two of them took off towards the kids as fast as they could.  Charlotte saw the kids see the zombies and start to take off away from them crying out as they ran.

"Report, guys!  Are the kids-"  Sam started.

"Not now, please!"  Archie cried out desperately.

"Yeah, but are the kids-"  Sam continued.

"They're alive.  They're running."  Charlotte said fast.  

"The zombies are still twenty- no, it's fifteen - oh God, the zombies are only ten paces behind them!"  Archie cried out.

"And you?" Sam questioned.

"Thirty!"  Charlotte calls out.

"But they're not fast zoms, are they?  You can still catch up, can't you?  they're only the shambling type, right?"  Sam asked.

"We're nearly... we're nearly... oh, come on, legs!"  Archie cried out as Charlotte put her thumb and middle finger between her lips and whistled loud and high pitched making the zombies stop briefly giving them a brief chance to pass them.  

"OW!  What the hell was that?!"  Sam shouted.

"Sorry Sam.  I figured a whistle would get their attention."  Charlotte said as she ran up to the little blond haired boy scooping him up cradling him tight as Archie struggled to pick up the dark haired girl and keep up with her.

"Very heavy child..."  Archie whined trying to adjust the little girl clutching onto her tight.

"You got them!"  Sam said happily.

"Yes, but the zombies... too close!"  Archie whines.

"Come on Archie we can do it!"  Charlotte said.

The little girl in Archie's arms continued to cry hard into Archie's coat.  "I want Jamie!  Where's Jamie?"  She cried out.

"Uh, Archie, is that you talking?"  Sam questions.

"No it's the little girl."  Charlotte said as Archie cried out.

"Ow!  Don't bite!  Be nice little girl.  What's your name, little girl?"  Archie asked still paniced.

"I want Jamie!"  The girl cried out again.

"I have the little boy."  Charlotte said as the boy was just crying in her arms.

"Try and speak quietly and calmly to them, Archie."  Maxine offered.

"While still, well you know avoiding the zombies."  Sam said quickly.

Charlottle looks over seeing Archie struggling just to hold the crying girl.  She looks back seeing the zombies had multiplied.  "The zoms are right behind us."

"How close?"  Sam questioned.

"Fifty paces now, but I'm... Charlotte is so strong.  I don't know how much longer I can-"  Archie said sounding winded.

"Come on Archie.  You've got to try!"  Charlotte said.  "We can circle back around the school.  Maybe barricade ourselves in.  Sam send help!"  

"On it!"  Sam said fast.

"Yes, it's not so far.  I think we can make it.  We can definitely make it."  Archie said as they went around a corner only for them to stop.  "Oh..."  Archie said in fear.

"What?"  Sam asked.

"There's zombies ahead.  Twenty... not at least thirty, and they're all around us, Sam!  Between us and the school."  Charlotte said as they backed up towards the fence holding the children tight.

"Well-"  Sam started before Maxine cut in.

"Can you-?"

"Nothing we can do.  We're surrounded."  Charlotte said looking at the zombies begin to decend on them.  She held onto the boy tight as they continued to cry as their impending death was stareing them straight in the face.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

<     45    >

Season 1 Beginning

Season 2 Beginning

[winky-the-alcoholic-elf]

85 Questions

I was tagged by @defiled-diadem  :) 

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

tagged: @doitforgranger @floral-print-punk @libertysir @looneybeth @susanbone @sansaslays @malchiex @jujuoh @miltank-tittymilk @boobpunch   (optional obviously and if y’all want me to never tag you in anything again let me know) 

THE LAST

1. drink: cold apple cider  2. phone call: my dad  3. text message: my co-facilitator for a grief support group 4. song you listened to:  the chain, fleetwood mac 5. time you cried:  y’know that post that talks about crying once every six months for like 5 min? that’s me. I think i had my two seconds of tears like two or three weeks ago, so i’m good for awhile 6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: i mean i guess? more like i regretted it much much later  8. been cheated on: yeah 9. lost someone special: Yeah a few people. hence become a grief group facilitator 

10. been depressed: i have chronic depression. 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: once. i had like a shit ton of vodka but it was mixed with stuff and it came up pink and i was blacked out but for some reason i remember that so like i just have this super vivid memory of barfing with zero context 

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12.  purple, any shade but more blueish hues, not pinkish ones 13. maroon 14. turquoise. and orange. i can’t pick three when i have four faves.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: i don’t think so?  16. fallen out of love: that’s complicated  17. laughed until you cried: i have no idea if in the past year, but i’ve def done that in my life a lot 18. found out someone was talking about you: if you count my roommate talks to herself and one time i heard her say “she’s still in bed” and there’s a 99% chance that she was talking to herself about ME, then yeah  19. met someone who changed you: in the last year? i don’t think so.  20. found out who your friends are: i feel like that question is very middle-schooler-who-thinks-they’re-grown  21. kissed someone on your facebook list: yeah? lots of people? p sure there’s only one person i’ve kissed that i’m NOT fb friends with and that’s because i de-friended that person. still friends with their mom though. just bc i feel weird defriending her. susan didn’t do anything wrong?

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life:  99.9% 23. do you have any pets: sadly, no 24. do you want to change your name: nah. it’s not my favorite name in the world but like i’m not my favorite person in the world so it all works out in the end  25. what did you do for your last birthday: tbh i don’t even remember. i probably got drunk w/ friends? i turned 22 it’s not a big deal birthday  26. what time did you wake up: like 10:30  27. what were you doing at midnight last night: homework  28. name something you can’t wait for: the sweet release of death 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: like three weeks ago 31. what are you listening to right now: spotify, my playlist is called from tosca to tupac. it’s p great, i have pretty much every genre except modern country and christian rock covered 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: a few 33. something that is getting on your nerves: at this exact second? i’m bloated and i can’t fart bc my roommate is home. 

34. most visited website: tumblr probably. sadly.  35. hair colour: dark brown. kinda has some red in it, in the sun. 36. long or short hair: very long.  37. do you have a crush on someone: this girl who works at panera. i just know her by sight but like she’s hot and her name is andy and every time i have to give her my order i get all quiet and squeaky and she probably thinks i’m a freak 38. what do you like about yourself: you’re not my therapist why are you making me do this? but okay i’ll say my compassion for others. 39. want any piercings: i can barely remember to wear earrings often enough to prevent my holes from closing so no i’m good 40. blood type: no idea 

41. nickname: cizzo 42. relationship status: single and basically allergic to mingling  43. zodiac: libra 44. pronouns: she/her/hers 45. favourite tv show: Brooklyn nine nine, buffy the vampire slayer, Go On, and sense8 46. tattoos: None, sadly 47. right or left handed: left 48. surgery: nope 49. piercing: just the standard ear lobes, if they haven’t closed up which they probably have 50. sport: i’m a pro at tripping over my own feet  51. vacation: what about vacation??? i’ve been to 46 states bc my dad’s a nerd. and 4 canadian provinces. i honestly would be fine never travelling ever again tho. i know that’s super odd, i’m just a homebody. staycation for the win. 52. pair of trainers: i have one pair of cheap gym shoes from target that i wore for my job at target and also for camp but otherwise i’m not a gym shoe kinda person

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: nothing currently. i had mashed potatoes for dinner. 54. drinking: apple cider 55. i’m about to: watch buffy the vampire slayer. i’m re-watching it and currently in season 3 56. waiting for:  me to get my shit together 57. want: to live alone 58. get married: probably not. that would kinda kill my whole living alone thing 59. career: trying to graduate college so i can get a masters so i can get a licence so i can be a social worker

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: hugs 61. lips or eyes: neither  62. shorter or taller: so vague  63. older or younger: for dating? the same age 64. nice arms or nice stomach: who/cares/ 65. hook up or relationship: neither  66. troublemaker or hesitant: irrelevant 

HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: i don’t think so 68. drank hard liquor: oh honey. yes.  69. lost glasses/contact lenses: only for like 5 min at a time 70. turned someone down: yes 71. sex on the first date: no...? i guess  72. broken someone’s heart: i dunno  73. had your heart broken: it’s complicated  74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: not immediately but i have cried about dead people, yes.  76. fallen for a friend: i guess? not like while in the friend stage 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: that’s a loaded question i’m trying to answer in therapy 78. miracles: no? i guess not? i dunno  79. love at first sight: no i really don’t  80. santa claus: i am a fully grown adult  81. kiss on the first date: sure? this isn’t something you can “believe” in but like if you’re asking if i’m chill with the idea of someone doing that then yeah, get it friends 82. angels: no, but when i was little i sure as fuck did. i used to have /conversations/ with my dead sister thinking god must’ve been omnipotent only by having angels watching over different parts of the earth so i thought on mondays my sister was watching my part of the earth and i’d talk to her on monday nights. i’ve learned that’s apparently somewhat normal for grieving kids but like it sounds fucked up and i’m pretty fucked up as a person so i didn’t realize that could be normal 

OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: i have a few 84. eye colour: brown 85. favorite movie: i dunno dude

[everythingshinee-and-morebigbang]

Tagged by @keys-kibum​ ! Thanks for putting up with my sudden disappearances and radio silence. I haven’t been doing these tags... Sorry! Honestly I’m just lazy but I’mma try to make the effects of RedBull long lasting. 

MOST RECENT:

Drink: lime seltzer Phone Call: my grandma Text: "Alrighty” Song You Listened To: I’m the One - DJ Khaled (my friend shares my spotify and hijacks it while I’m online) Time You Cried: a few months ago?

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: yes.. Been cheated on: no Kissed someone and regretted it: lol yes Lost someone special: yup Been depressed: ye Been drunk and thrown up: what no List 3 favorite colours: black, blue, lime green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: yes Fallen out of love: no Laughed until you cry: FOR THE FIRST TIME YES Met someone who changed you: I don’t believe so Found out who your true friends are: figured that out a while ago Found out someone was talking about you: YES ALSKDJALJDS Kissed anyone on your fb list: no

EXTRAS:

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: Like 99%. I don’t know one person irl Do you have any pets: my shih tzu Hershey. she’s so annoying Do you want to change your name: no What did you do for your last birthday: ate food What time did you wake-up today: 10:40 am What were you doing last night at midnight: setting pine cones on fire Name something you can’t wait for: my p A Y C H E C K Last time you saw your mum: 8 hours ago What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: developed hobbies/passions and good habits Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no

What’s getting on your nerves right now: eczema

Blood Type: boi idk Nickname: shorty, mini, poop Relationship status: single not ready to mingle

Zodiac Sign: Taurus Pronouns: she/her honestly idc Favourite TV Shows: I have no favorites Long to short hair: short hair yaas Do you have a crush on someone: I can’t remember the last time I had real feelings for someone... and no. no I don’t. What do you like about yourself: I generally don’t make dumb life decisions Right or left handed: right First surgery: None that I can think of First best friend: Hell who knows. This dude Ryan in kindergarten. The first day I met him we became friends and then he crawled across the circle in front of me and farted and I immediately thought “nope, not friends anymore.” We were still friends. First sport you joined: soccer apparently First Vacation: dude that’s something to ask my mom

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: nothing Drinking: my saliva I’m about to: read or sleep or netflix the options are abundant Listening to: Varsity - Cult of Personality

WANT:

Kids: idk maybe but people keep psyching me out and telling me I’d be a bad parent Get married: sometimes yes, sometimes no. as of right now, it’s a yes. Career: some sort of writer or editor. but I want money ㅠㅠ

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: eyes Hugs or kisses: depends on who we’re talking about here Taller or shorter:  TALLER wtf I’m 4′6″ you best be taller than me Older or Younger: older (by an absolute max of 7 years) bc people have a better idea of how to human Romantic or spontaneous: both Sensitive or loud: Eeeeee why are these two together? Sensitive? Hookup or relationship: unless I find someone who is a decent person, hookup, though I’d like to avoid that too Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. be smart, kids

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: no ew Glasses/contacts: need em don’t have em Had sex on a first date: date? who am I? Broke someone’s heart: hell if I know. they don’t tell me shit Turned someone down: yes Cried when someone died: yes Fallen for a friend: no, but I had to verify that one

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

Yourself: maybe Miracles: nah Love at first sight: you mean biological reaction to seeing a physically suitable mating partner? Kissing on a first date: No get to know em before you share dna

Tagging:

@bowtrukle @top-oppa @aegyo-shinee @igot7absoluteperfectbangtanboys @shineecandy @heartsoulbeats96 @meandthekittens @psyrain

[ramblingsofapeanut]

Fandoms once again make me laugh.

I am chuckling hard at the fandom right now.  Apparently they are only recently started hating on the Loki logo which has been out since Marvel announced the series  in hall h at sdcc in July.. It also has me laughing about the date when the show is due to air in 2021. Dont ask me why I am laughing or I might regale you with all the reasons I think Marvel is a bunch of stupid idiots but then being associated with Disney tends to do that to people. Of course that feeling comes from the fact that Marvel's greed lost them spiderman and now the movies will be made at a subpar level like that of suicide squad<pre James Gunn>. Neither will I be able to see Tom Holland and all his boyish charm and not think he has been ripped off.  Fans go from liking something to hating on it in less then three seconds. Its true we are a fickle bunch but we really must be a bunch of old farts for our reactions have slowed down quite a bit. I still run into people who        want to believe that Tom is still dating Taylor secretly. They will argue you into the ground and then resort to name calling the like even a trump supporter has never heard. I will give you this ... We are a passionate bunch of fans but we often place that passion in the wrong place.I look forward to the new series coming out but I tend to believe Kevin Feige when he said at San Diego cc that the series will be set in the time period that the first avengers was set in so I continue to roll my eyes at the thought of a Saturday Night Fever style of show. I just imagine Tom Hiddleston in the white pants and jacket with the shirt unbuttoned to his belly button...fans herself...I hear the BeeGee's  song, "Saturday Night Fever", playing in the background as Tom walks down the street of Atlanta, Georgia which subs as New York. Sauntering side to side with the jacket over his shoulder, smiling at the ladies. Then I imagine Tom sitting, as Loki, at the table of an Italian family. They wouldnt put up with his mischief. Momma would slap him on top of the head messing with his hair and his italian sibs would dog him every chance they got. His father, odin of course, would be sitting at the table in just an undershirt and his underwear. Now do you see why the show couldnt be set in the 1970s?  The horror of seeing the Saturday Night Fever craze come back would be to much.Now I am going to end because Black Widow is not a topic to be covered in a fan site for Tom Hiddleston. Although can you imagine  the babies from that pairing .... ass kicking eight legged horses or  maybe a red headed Fenris? Anyhow night all.

[funface2]

110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews

Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

(Photo: Pexels.com)

“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

Read more:

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton

“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked. ‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

Read more:

115 of the best bad jokes

105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert

Classic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!

I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

(Photo: Pexels)

I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Read more:

51 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding

48 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

(Photo: Flickr)

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns

Read more:

105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

(Photo: Shutterstock)

I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

And some jokes for the kids

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!

What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!

How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Read more:

110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!

More jokes:

Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You 38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes 34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners 30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember 100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes 30 of the best jokes about Theresa May 25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes 38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids 35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny) 26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes 16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes 34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes 30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes 26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes 41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes 21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners 45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes 41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners 19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians 30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes 100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke 31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding 100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds 105 of the best bad jokes 105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners 50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan 100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny 25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes 49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes 45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes 17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes 27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes 50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners 50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners 50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes 25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults 25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners 75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And some hilarious quotes:

29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy 38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable 31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge Valentine’s poems: 32 most romantic quotes from history’s greatest poets 38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes 41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82 23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes) 35 of Blackadder’s most cunning quips and insults 29 of the most outlandishly funny Mighty Boosh quotes 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes 25 of Rik Mayall’s greatest quotes 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier 25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 20 of The Young Ones’ most gloriously silly quotes

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