#[ and to catch myself on things that probs dont make any sense to those of you that have more knowledge ]

[flyonmylovee]

FRIDAY TRI-DAY

[I HAD PLANS to make a giant Tri predictions thread with tons of proof for my ideas and theories and then... school happened. Suddenly, it’s the day before [well, technically it’s today] that Tri 5 comes out and everything got away from me. Really. I just failed a reading quiz before plugging my payment information into crunchyroll and logging on to write this up. I had all summer. With that being said, I still want to briefly type some predictions up just for the satisfaction of being able to expand on this post should anything I have to say become relatively true. I swear I’ve thought all these out, don’t @ me. Tri spoilers (given PVs and the first 5 mins) below the cut:]

Before I get started, I wrote out more detailed thoughts on Shoushitsu here. A lot of my thoughts build off what I had to say there so... yeah. Alrighty, let’s do this.

I bet you all a million dollars that they’re not in the digital world- not the one they know, anyways. If you look closely at the beginning of Shoushitsu, right after the title screen, the film takes us through a weird dark dimension where you can see those strange floating planet-virus shapes if you squint hard enough. I don’t think they’re in the digital world. Unsure if these are technically the *same* partners. I just... I got the vibe while watching Shoushitsu that ...too many things were off. I can’t get deep about it right now. As something to back this up though, in one of the recent games, Meicoomon is featured searching for Meiko and she talks about different dimensions. 

With THAT being said...

I bet that finding out an entire version of *reality*- one with a cute, snuggly, untraumatized Tailmon freed from torturous memories of Vamdemon and Wizarmon- isn’t real would totally drive Hikari nuts. Shoushitsu made a point of showing us that Hikari likes this new reality, at least for her partner’s sake. It seemed like she was the only one seriously considering that this situation might be better than what they had before. Perhaps this is enough to push her over the edge? I have my doubts that it’s something to do with Taichi, although something may happen to him. I just don’t think he’s the trigger, as many of the PVs haven’t been reflective of actual order-of-events imo.

I think the original battle between Maki, Daigo et al and the dark masters was the digital world’s version of Ragnarok. I think Yggdrasil already reset the digital world. I think that Daigo’s partner, along with the 3 others were chosen to cross over into the new world while Maki’s partner wasn’t. Maki asks “why wasn’t he chosen”. I’m thinking something along the lines of Digital World-Iliad. It’d help explain why Alphamon, Jesmon, et al never bothered to show up in a crisis before. Perhaps there’s an alternate world. Perhaps that’s where Taichi and the other chosen have landed. Tbh, I’d cry if the digimon haven’t actually lost their memories but are actually just completely new digimon who the kids have accidentally tricked into believing they have long lost human partners. That’d be emotionally traumatizing, right? Anyways, if Ragnarok happened, I think there’s a good chance we’re dealing with the x-antibody here (with implications for alphamon, meicoomon, new evolutions??? Also, I think the digital letters on omegamons sword are different than they usually are??)

Additionally, if Taichi truly does disappear and go somewhere, I wonder if he makes it back to the digital world we know. I think that’d set us up perfectly for the 6th movie. Perhaps that’s where the 02 kids are, as well. Either that, or in the no-man’s land we keep seeing (seems to be the place where Maki + Daigo’s original battle was fought? Looks like the kids will end up there again, and I think that’s where the 02 kids went up against Alphamon?)

I could write some stuff about angels and archangels and seven demon lords here but I’m gonna hop skip over that for right now in the interest of time. 

ALTHOUGH, I’ll put forth an idea that Meicoomon came straight from the dark area. I think it’s interesting that Meicoomon has been depicted as appearing to Meiko from out of the forest, and conveniently, the Tri card set has a card called “From Within the Forest” with Meicoomon’s adorable yet untrustworthy face plastered on it. I can’t decide if Meicoomon just... walks out of the forest a lot and it’s as simple as that, or if it’s alluding to the evil forest in the dark area. I think it could make sense for Meicoomon to have originated there. I remember reading on some long lost wikiimon page that some digimon moved to the dark area after being driven to near extinction (HMM) and developed mutations in order to survive the violence.

I’m actually more inclined to say that Meicoomon was artificially created (by Meiko’s dad tbh). The Tri crew said that the similarities between Plotmon and Meicoomon are important, and there’s info out there telling us that Plotmon was a man-made digimon. This could make sense given the first 5 minutes we’ve seen of tri. I’m less sure about this but am totally willing to dive back into the lore if we don’t get an answer by the end of tomorrow.

Anyways, the final thing my theories hinge on are the artistic similarities between Tri and this. Those cards scream “Tri” to me. I really think a “crisis” already happened, but I suppose we’ll see.

To finish this off, I’d just like to point out that we have one movie left and we’ve seen p much every evolution we were expecting to. There has to be excitement left for the 6th film. First- I still stand by what I said in my linked post that Yamato hasn’t gone through a personal crisis yet. That could be movie 6, and it could end up tying everything back together, but it could definitely be messy. 

I’m also gonna throw one more hot take out there and say that I think we’re going to see everyone jogress evolve. Either that, or we’ll see mode changes or SOMETHING. Idk. Once again, the Tri card set has implications for Tentomon + Piyomon being on the field together. Same thing is said for Palmon and Gomamon. I highkey don’t really care if we see jogress evolutions- what I really want is that Sora/Koushiro team-up. 

...And I’m sure Toei would love to make that $$$$ of new merchandise. 

WELL. That’s it. It’s not everything I had, but it’s most of it, and it’s all I have time to write for now. I have more homework to do and I’m probably going to be up for hours. I’m so excited for the 5th movie. I can’t wait to watch it and read what you all think. Like I said, if ANY of this turns out to be relevant I’ll expand. If this entire post turns out to be a worthless stretch... I’m probably going to leave it here and never acknowledge it again. Have mercy on me and my ask box. And, uh, please continue to after this one final hot take:

*I don’t think Meicoomon is making it out of Tri alive* :X 

OOP I’m off. See you all on the other side [and by other side, I assume we are all aboutta “know the darkness” and go beyond].

[retrauxpunk]

sv 6.06

recap post of the penultimate episode of silicon valley under the cut (with spoilers as usual)

this miiiight be a downer post so if you want to avoid that ... this is your warning

...

...

... i think this is the first episode recap post i’m writing that doesn’t start with ‘what the fuck’ because honestly i think i found this episode a bit weird and not ................that good? and MAYBE it’s just because i’ve had a shitty couple days? i’m not totally sure.

but.

I dunno.

I’ll try do this chronologically.

it was a good point of yikes with richard not actually having secured the AT&T deal and just telling his employees that he had because like, that’s a good potential source of conflict. i’m down for that.

i liked when he was talking to AT&T guy and then there’s a cut to dinesh and gilfoyle standing their like shocked parents. dinesh’s expression of ‘WHAT’ ... yeah i like that. also gilfoyle looked especially fine as hell, particularly the hands.

okay.

i 

... gilfoyle using THE AI TO DEBUG CODE? i think this broke my suspension of disbelief. this seems wildly stupid and implausible given, like, gilfoyle’s WHOLE CHARACTER? i don’t really buy that someone who’s as security-conscious and conscientious as he is would, um, DO THIS? please feel free to present counterarguments if you disagree with this (or any other points in this post tbh) because i’m honestly open to hearing them, in fact i would welcome anything that made this episode feel more sense-making and less ‘what the fuck did the show just decide to fire all their tech consultants and throw character out the window?’

LIKE. it’s partly the fact that this seems a bit farfetched on the technological realism front but it’s MORE SO the fact that it just seems so NOT GILFOYLE.

GIVEN THAT FIVE EPISODES AGO HE GOT MAD AT DINESH FOR LETTING THE TWO AIs TALK. HE’S CLEARLY AWARE OF THE RISKS.

and he acts like this cavalier dont give a fuck asshole but i DO NOT BELIEVE that he would risk ALL OF PIED PIPER’S CODE with his AI?????? FUCK what is this!!...?

..............????

okay.

i’m  ............ upset that they seem to have COMPLETELY DITCHED this whole jarrich thing they were building up. i’m NOT saying i’m mad that they’re not canonically a romantic couple. i’m saying that -- shipper goggles completely not in the picture -- the first four episodes built up so much stuff for them, there was SO MUCH about their relationship, and with 6.05 and 6.06 there was just fucking NOTHING. and it just. feels like kinda shitty writing? UNLESS?? in the final episode there’s a lot of richard and jared content to make up for it?

like the first four episodes had so MUCH content about their relationship (jared’s whole generally lovelorn thing, accidentally driving to the hacker hostel, quitting, richard throwing a fit when he quit and watching with this cocktail of sadness and bitterness and anger as jared leaves, their fight at the hacker hostel, JARED BRIEFLY FORGETTING TO BE MAD AT RICHARD AND SMILING DURING THE WHOLE BUYING HOOLI THING, richard apologising and telling jared he missed him, JARED FUCKING CRYING) and then there’s just NOTHING? what the FUCK? IS THIS? it HONESTLY feels like the writers were building up to a big richard and jared moment (whether romantic or platonic, either works) but then that storyline got axed by an executive and they got forced into dropping or something, or they just fucking collectively FORGOT about this whole arc seriously WHAT. IS THIS?????

this is the first time in my life i’ve gotten this level of upset about any tv and i guess, well, whatever they do with the finale, it can’t be as bad as what they did with game of thrones!! (i don’t watch game of thrones or read asoiaf, but it was pretty impossible not to catch wind of that whole clusterfuck) that’s gonna be my source of ......... solace.

so yeah.

for FUCK’s sake. all of jared’s talking about gwart, i just. if that’s meant to be sincere i don’t fucking buy it because no fucking way did jared imprint so hard on a person who was fundamentally a rebound

I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THE LACK OF JARRICH STORYLINE WHAT THE FUCK this is not even a queerbaiting issue THEY HAD A FUCKING STORYLINE TOGETHER AND NOW IT’S VANISHED INTO FUCKING SMOKE WHAT THE FUCK

ALSO DID THEY SERIOUSLY JUST WIPE OUT HOLDEN OFF-SCREEN ARE WE REALLY MEANT TO JUST IMAGINE THAT IN THE GAP BETWEEN EPISODES JARED JUST CONTINUOUSLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSED/HARRASSED HOLDEN INTO QUITTING WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

honestly when i set out to write this recap i was just like ‘this prob won’t be a long post because all i really have feelings about and want to talk about is the ending of the episode’ but clearly ... that has turned out not to be the case

okay anyway, yeah, i mean, it’s definitely plausible that if richard and jared were to real life people that jared would rejoin pied piper and they’d just simply never address their falling out, right, i mean people are plausibly that emotionally constipated sometimes and don’t communicate in situations where you’d expect them to.

BUT THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE IT’S FUCKING TV and it appears to me rather much like shitty screenwriting when you set up a relationship conflict that’s fucking PACKED with juicy emotional moments and then it DISAPPEARS INTO THIN AIR what the FUCK

jesus christ

okay

anyway.

russfest.

honestly when jared was seeing gwart around i was a bit like, okay if this meant to be a legit hallucination it’s a bit Much because, really, jared being that genuinely devoted to gwart that the breakup with her cut him that much? i’m not buying it 

so i’m glad it turned out to be Not a hallucination

i liked the twist that actually yaonet wasn’t throttling pied piper, pied piper itself just wasn’t good enough. i liked richard breaking down over it. tbh on a subjectively level i found it a bit painful to watch because he really did behave like a toddler and that was a bit, like, second-hand-embarrassment. but i don’t like object to it or anything.

WHY IS THIS SEASON ONLY SEVEN EPISODES.

the fucking speed with which richard breaks down and then magically finds a solution honestly feels way too rushed and unearned.

U N E A R N E D

that is how i feel about the resolution of this episode. like.

okay so if i remember/understand this correctly, richard’s [extremely hand-wavey solution] was to apply his compression algorithm to son of anton which allowed it to become more intelligent and learn faster/better? and that basically FIXED PIED PIPER? he used gilfoyle’s [a tad unrealistically] bitching AI to like ... have pied piper fix itself? 

i barely understand it.

and it’s not like i demand a fully fleshed-out solution, right, like with the middle-out jerkoff epiphany, that wasn’t fleshed out but there was enough detail for it to feel believable. whereas with this ... it did not feel like that. 

yeah the whole thing felt way too rushed.

what even was it? like, gilfoyle was using son of anton on pipernet to debug things ... whereas richard first used his compression algorithm on son of anton, then set son of anton loose on pied piper? okay that makes, like, enough sense that if they poured more time and detail into this, then i’d probably be totally happy accepting this in the storyline and my suspension of disbelief wouldn’t have been fucking skullfucked

but this, just. this pacing. i did not like it. it felt massively unearned because there were, what, a very small number of minutes between when richard finds out his tech is inadequate to when he finds a solution?

GOD THEY COULD’VE MADE THIS SO MUCH BETTER IF THEY’D PUT AN EPISODE BETWEEN PROBLEM AND SOLUTION INSTEAD OF JUST LIKE TWO FUCKING MINUTES

this makes me SO MAD IT GIVES ME THE CONFIDENCE TO THINK I COULD WRITE A BETTER STORY THEN THEY DID? FUCK???????

???

okay like yeah totally possible the writers had constraints outside of their control and they did the best they could. but. i’m still not ... happy with the result lol

anyway yeah i’m fucking cheesed off about how richard gets skullfucked with the inadequacy of his own tech, has a breakdown, and then MERE MINUTES OF SCREENTIME LATER, he has a wild solution that works!

and sure, they had it appear to fail first, which was good. but then it magically was back up and running! and yeah i liked how russ said ‘lights!’ and it turned out that this magical new pied piper had gotten so awesome that it build this new feature for itself or whatever, but, honestly, it happened way too quickly to feel believable or satisfying and i’m mad.

because this show has set a pretty high standard in the past and now it’s been a fucking let-down with this episode. god.

what the fuck is this pacing? it was so good at the beginning of this season!! WHAT IS THIS???

AND IF THE PROBLEM IS TIME

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE SO MANY PLOTLINES WITH FILLER? THE WHOLE ETHAN CONFLICT. GILFOYLE AND MONICA VS TRACY. GAVIN FUCKING BELSON’S STUPID BOOK DEAL. can you imagine how much better this russfest plotline would’ve been if they’d had MORE TIME from not doing those ultimately unimportant subplots? fuck

i have legitimately worked myself into a rage writing this post. i did not expect to have this many feelings, to this level of intensity.

and it’s fucking frustrating because the bones of an awesome arc are here! the moment when the AT&T guy sees the giant hologram from the plane, that could’ve been actually epic rather than a feeling of ‘i know this is meant to be epic but it just feels totally hollow because they completely fucking compressed the biggest part of this whole episode into five fucking minutes’

and richard’s breakdown where he’s jumping on the laptop, screaming about ‘six years’? god that point would’ve been amazing if there’d been more time to explore it!

on a lighter note, i was amused when richard said he had gilfoyle’s laptop because i was like ‘oh okay it’s nice to know that richard is a l33t enough hax0r that he can get through gilfoyle’s undoubtedly Strong laptop security with [presumably] relative ease’ ... and then it turns out it’s dinesh’s laptop and i’m like, ah, okay, less impressive then XD

...there’s no way that the girls in jian-yang’s ‘coding class’ were stupid enough to believe that writing fake amazon reviews constitutes ‘coding’. not in fucking 2019.

i’m mad.

god this has lowered my expectations of the series finale SO MUCH which i guess may be a good thing because, y’know, there’s less capacity for disappointment now.

IT’S OKAY.

IT’S OKAY.

EVEN IF THE SERIES ENDS ON A SHIT NOTE, WE HAD FIVE AND A HALF SEASONS OF SHOW THAT RANGED FROM FUCKING AMAZING TO NOT AS GOOD BUT STILL ALRIGHT.

and i have a whole imagination’s worth of potential fan content to be created once the show’s over. i don’t know how long this sv love affair will last but i sure fucking intend to keep it alive as long as i can.

on the topic of fan content, if you’re interested in making sv fan stuff and receiving it as a christmas/holiday gift, please consider signing up for the silicon valley secret santa/gift exchange that i’m running :))) the official blog for it is @svexchange2k19 and the sign-up form is here

[bastiodonz]

Can any of your OCs cook? Where are they on the spectrum from “I’ve been cooking since I could walk and I’ve never made a bad dish” to “last tuesday I tried to make a microwave lasagna and my house burned down.”

oh wow ill kill for u hmmmmm

might have to limit these to just. major characters. bc yeah as i said before i have,,, a lot,,,,,, of ocs kasgjsadj ;w; so ill probs go thru this in order by works 

(list under the cut!)

osas;

merope Definitely cooks. he makes the food he serves at his bar himself and he kinda had to learn after [redacted]. since merope can cook, he occasionally has bodil help him cook so she Also can cook. not as good at merope can, but its more than nothing.

iovita probably also helped people cook. namely his moms. he goes on to pick up on cooking later on (stress baking?) so he can also cook!! hes p good!!! daresay a lot better than merope bc the place where iovita is from has A LOT more variety in food than meelat does

sorin can maybe make a mean olive oil on bread. but thats Maybe It. hes really interested in cooking (mainly bc he couldnt rly cook fullblown meals in ruresi) so i can see him watching iovita cook?? just kinda lurking. iovita might drag sorin into helping him cook. wow thats a rly good and soft idea i came up w just now good job me.

aludra and conan just dump things into a pot and pray to the gods. aludra set her family kitchen on fire once trying to make rice. conan tries to get sorin help but sorin also doesnt know how to cook. they make the most bland food in history bc sorin still gets overwhelmed by spices and conan doesnt measure anything. he dumps in a whole cup of milk when the recipe asked for a quarter of a cup. its terrible. bodil iovita and merope are crying. iovita eats it anyway out of pity. he wants to be supportive of sorin.

red eyes (tag is yesterday it rained (today the sky fell));

literally calanthe is the only one out of the three of them who can cook. she picked it up sometime thru the series id think. saga probably pitched the idea to her as an alternative to smoking. bc i mean, cooking is technically a thing that cal herself can control? so. saga is so proud of cal despite the fact that saga herself cant cook.

seven literally existed to fill in a background role. he cant cook. BUT i can see after canon him asking calanthe to teach him, once he realizes he can be More than what he was created to do. god did ur ask make cooking a significant thing for red eyes? i think u did. omg

contact (tag is longness of semper);

burumu is the houses’ designated cook. he can actually make consistently good food. ivy can KINDA cook but its rly a toss of the coin with her. its either ok or its terrible. theres no inbetween. nebula can make mac and cheese. thats it.

blake can live off of those weird dried compressed ration things they sell in those sports stores. they cant cook. they CAN cut things p well though. but thats rly the extent of what theyre able to do i think.

landry throws whatever they can get their hands on into a blender and chugs that shit. they dont fear any god.

saccha is. odd. bc he can only bake. thats rly it. he ALSO stress bakes. which is to say, hes stressed a lot. hes good at baking though! but like if you asked him to make idk soup or something he gets so nervous that he freezes over the entire thing and you can Tell that it was just reheated in the microwave but you just give him a really tightlipped smile and nod.

reynold can make some food but like. not a lot. its mostly just like rly easy to make things that take rly fast like grilled cheese or ramen. hes doing his best.

molly cant cook for the sake that she would let landry chill with her in the kitchen and landry would yell for molly to turn up the heat and against all common sense (which no one in this godforsaken source) molly WOULD. they burn down an entire building. alex cant get too angry bc honestly if they were in the same position as molly, they would also listen to landry.

mx lux (tag is put out your beating heart);

surprisingly, all three of the main group can cook. anja can cook bc she wanted to be able to cook for maria so she SPEEDRAN cooking lessons. now she can cook. then sol was like :O holy shit u can cook can u cook for me??? and anja was like ‘no’ so she forced them to learn how to cook for themself. marty also knows how to cook bc he cooks for himself?? so.

nike and faustus cant be trusted to cook. for the point that nikes wings are Big so either he cant fit in the kitchen if its too small or he accidentally catches his wings on fire. faustus goes and is like “well if im gonna cook then i should try to figure out if i can Cheat The System by familiarizing myself to the cooking things” but then faustus zones out and just ends up sitting in the oven for like 3 hours. then faustus doesnt even end up cooking.

my warriors ocs are cats. they cant cook.

also im still not finished with the class for season 37. so i have no clue if they can cook for not. 

[wrenchyyyy]

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.  But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

[49scribes-a]

{--Everybody in this stream was fucking HIGH.--}

He's either also cold or he's going through withdrawals, one of the two.

No he's having a seizure

STOP BOUNCING DEAK

All those burnt corpses look like bacon to me

Crispy dragon-charred bacon

Human jerky

I’d love some jerky rn

Id push you

BACKFLIP BACK FLIP

you're a COWARD. GO TO THE TOP

NO

EMBRACE THE JUMP

EAGLE JUMP

jfc

theres a hay pile at the bottom waiting to catch you. youll be fine

because physics works for you in this game

t his isn't assasin's c r e ed

yes it is. right?

Wrong game

that's what we're watching?

theres is clearly hay

i see parkor

hay and parkour= ass creed

exact

HRDCORE PARKOR

lavi looks like a hobbit ngl. i mean deak

hes gonna steal the ring from gollum

can u see the eye of mordor

hes carrying it

it is

jump. you'll live

Holy shit I survived

TOLD U

the eye of mordor is mobile now

it was great

7/10

TOLD U UR IL CHILD BEARING BONES WOULD CATCH YOU - THEYRE SPRINGY AND RESILIENT

U did it

congrdeurtions

am i having a stroke

Ashdjsjdk

idk - were all varying seconds behind of each other. so mavbe

Who keeps a deer pelt with bread smh

makes sense

That’s why they all sick in Skyrim

the deer pelt is surprisingly sterile

can't have the babes

its the most sterile thing in thie fucking game

you're right

i cant believe deak is aa hobbit

idk if its gonna keep your bread all spongy tho

just wrap it tight. it'll be fine

I mean it was stale so probably not

and your breads gonna tste kinda funny

tHTAT'S PRETTY

SKYRIM IS PRETTY

Noice

AESHTETIC

I CAN TYPE I SWEAR

straight up

r U havin' a stroke?

mE VISION KEEPS BLURRING

I wanna go somepe similar to skyrim, take up residency in n bandoned castle. spruce it up

go to europe

and then pretend im a ghost haunting it when visitor come

they have random "castles"

tHAT SKY THO

SCREEN SHOTS. NICE. GOOD CHOICE

I dont want [castles] I want C A S T L E S

we all have dreams

sweet dreams are made of thiiissss

My dream is to be able to spell astetic

who am i to disagree

you men bees

Asthmatic

mean*

travel the world and the seven seas

Jesus Christ

aesthetic?

Yes that one!

antsthetic

I wanna lick the sugar candy in the sky

Aesthetic !!

antstetic?antstatic?ant static

aunt stacy

A e s t h e t I c

that sounds like something Ant-Man would say

sunnylantern gets it = w=

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUND UN DUN DUN ANT MAAAAANNN H A

Why is that corpse thiccer then I am

duran duran hungry like the wolf

wait, I missed the corpse

we have to go back for the corpse

go back for the corpse, tho

leave NO man behind

you mean jeky

jerky*

no it's jeky

nO

okay, I thought I saw a shadow back there and it looked like a werewolf

we do not waste jerky

Bacon

Mmmmm Bacon....

bc u cannibals wanna eat them

it might have been

don't waste good meat

jfc

Meat is meat

meat is meat. yes

they dead they don't care

exactly

bacon is delicious as hell

MEAT MEAT MEAT

HEATHENS

sos jerky

ALL OF U

U'R A HEATHEN 2 DON'T PLAY COY

scuse you - were pagan

i'm an angel

sounds fake

idk what ur talking about

wOW

it does sound fake

Im pure so I mean

We're all heathens

sounds fake

we're all heathens yes

all my friends are heathens

take it slow

take it slow

(twenty one pilots voice) all my friends are heathens-GDI

TOO SLOW.

TAKE IT SLOW

LMAO

wait for them to ask u who u kno

please don't make

i forgot the damn lyrics

any sudden moves

any sudden moves

AAYY

pfffbbbbt

u don't know the half of the abuse

Y’all remember all that smh

XD

hell yeah man

it catchy

Can’t even remember my middle name

s AM E

same

adopt a child. it's time

tbh - replace remembering our names with more important infrmation, like musical lyrics...people use those alot

my middle name is simple as heck. it's only 3 letters

adopting children usually doesn't go well; just look at doug

dic

Hige. No.

ann

but

No

Mine is four and yet :->

dick:smiley:

mine is 5 letters

NO. Dicks.

mINE IS FOUR

yep, that's my middle name. u caught me

mines four too

Ahsjdjdjd

Maybe we all have the same middle name

i'm Liz Dick now

LMAO

Liz dick taylor

'cause we all have the same middle name

has a nice flow

it does doesn't it?

not me

i'm proud of my name

mine is 3 letters

naw. it's Dick now

its four now

Nope, it three

FINE. Dic

ass

U CAN BE THE HALF SSED DIC

there u go

Hjssjjs

oh yeaaaa

sounds like that's yours, isa

OOOHHH

wow

DANG

: )

SNAP

isa ass

isass

has a ring

ees ass

isa sass

Eat a ss

thees assthesis

isa's ass

prometheous

you're all terrible

w he e z e s

WHERE DO U GET THAT. FROM ISA ASS.

rhymes with thesis

prometheass

that name makes me uncomfortable

I want that as my new name

hahahahahah

Prod the a sa

i blame the movie and all the movies that's connected to that one. I get nightmares

don't worry i'll protect you

really tho, me middle name means darling in french so

aren't u special

i'm an angel

meanie

all of u can fight me

u'r an angle, isa

ur no angel, isa

My middle name is from my great grandmother

I was named aftar a slutty country singer. and a car

PHHHHTTTT

i was named after *no one*

a car and a country singer. fuck me

my middle name is Spanish

lucky

QUESO

i'm hispanic and my middle name ain't hispanic :confused:

UR MIDDLE NAME IS QUESO

THREE LETTERS, HIGE

KSO

3 LETTERS, HIGE

osHIT

I'm hispanic and all my names be hispanic

THAT HAPPENED

the kink cavern

the falling cavern

u and deak gonna kink it up in here

WHy

wait ....still children in this. nvm

because it's expected

Looks like stds grow there ngl

deak is a child. cover his eyes

WH A T. WHERE DID THAT GO TO. WHY IT COLLAPSE JUST NOW

See that’s the stds falling from the roof

you guys are behind me, my gosh. that happened like 10 seconds ago

too much sex in this ramshackle place

No one cleans that place

no one needs to. don't get paid enough for that shit

its the jizz....it gets between the cracks and degrades the foundation

between teh /cracks/

KEK

Can’t people f uck in the bed like normal humans

naw son. too vanilla, they get bored

i

omg

wow

Back in my day we used beds and called it woohoo

this is not SIMS

back in my day, we got in bed and wrestled

i'M CR YGIN

AGSHDJSJ that’s where all my sex ed comes from shdjsjd

Back in my day we fucked on the floor like REAL MEN

WHOA NOW. CALM URSELF

COVER THINE EYES, CHILDREN

Crying my lord

I'M TOO ACE FOR THIS

YOU BETTER BE PRAYIN TO UR LORD AND NOT CRYIN

back in my day, we walked 4 miles with ONE FUCKIN' SHOE

relatable

and we shared between 5 of us

Through the snow

ok but same

bc I ate the other shoe

gdi hige

hige thought it was jerky

I did

it was jerky

Must of burnt it

Anything chewy nd tough is jerky

ye bro. learn from hige

...skin?

def

ye

n o

y e

skin is the jerkiest of all

And I’m the one that needs to pray

and the people are jerky, too 'cause they're jerks sometimes

Take the pot

smoke the pot

^^^^to both

I mean-cogh

dO NOT SMOKE THE POT. JFC HIGE

taste the pot

smell the pot

be the pot

BE the pot, yep

be the pot

It’s pn legal now

why are you HERE

smoke that khajiit drug thing

why did you come back to the kink dungeon

DO IT

we're all pots now

i'm a potu'r a pot

we're all pots

or drink it, i don't remember what it is

moonshine

Does the room smell like pot?

I put a pot on me head and nw im a pot head

. . .

IT'S ALL OGRE NOW

I...

y did u make me read that with my own 2 eyes

wait wrong reference

NO

-leaves-

That’s a bad ref

i h8 isa

whe ez e s

Nasty

i'ms or ry

Talk about HEATHEN

go sit in the corner and think about what u've done

u'r no angel

they cant, the corners are mine. all of them

fuckin' share

u already knew this, liz

i did

I Still remember that video like tbwas uesterdyayb

lucifer was an angel too

Was

yesterday

T'was

luifer is still pretty hot I hear

Gdi

SHUT UP

-eye brow wiggle-

omg

hoNHON

EIFFEL TOWER

ur banned from my next stream, hige

BAGUETTE

NO TEW2 FOR YOU

EIFFEL TOWER

NO. PLS. ILL BE GOOD

BAGUETTE

The Eiffel Tower reminds me of something else but idk why

B A N N E D

ILL CALL YOU MASTER AND WEAR A SHOCK COLLAR AND EVERYTHING

goodbye hige

PLS

doug's got that eiffel tower dick. bye

-pBFT

that pill dick

Hm.

i'll see myself out

more like

Wait was there an anime with an Eiffel Tower :thinking:

there was a show with an eiffel tower. and a lady bug,and a cat, and moths

chaat noir

it was cray

Miraculous Ladybug

Nah thinking of something ten times as traumatizing

wow u guys got it

sCREAMS

y that

o 3 o

sCREAMS TOO

But it might of just been a Tower

I watch it every now and then

are u sacrificing deak to the old gods

and the new

the new season?

gotta go fast. gotta go fast

Are u making jerky

OH new gods

gOTTA GO FASTER FASTER FF -FF-F-F-F-F-FASTER

honey you've got a big storm comin'

SANIC X

I was singing that during one of my streams

u didnt stutter over the Faster part. it doesnt count

I did tho

i have to go make jerky

this music still makes me think of South Park Stick of Truth

pats gently

Sleep is for the weak

And i. Am v weak

whimps. sleep is for the dead

grnted. we are all very dead inside already so....

Guess y’all better get me a coffin then cause imma be sleep in an hour probs. Maybe two. Depends on how much my dog wants to piss me off tonight

SCREAMS THO I FINALLY GOT A FIRE STARTED AND IT CRASHED

LMAO

Rip fire

RIP KIT

no fire

It burned too bright

only suffering

tiger tiger burning bright

Face the dark and cold like a dragon

fuckin capitilism

U can do it kit. Build that fire

How do u skill up in camping ?

Desk looks short.

Deak*

no. hes desk now

he's always been desk

your kindling loks like dog turds

They do I know my dog turds

ive stepped in enough dog shit to know my turds

I’ve picked up enough dog crap to know mine

baaah

Except those look like old ones. All cold and dried out

why do u need the fire anyway

Warmth, light, happiness

DEAK WAS STRANGLING A RAT BEFORE IT CRASHED

Yuh oh

I HEARD ITS LIL ANGRY RAT SOUNDS

The rat crashed the game to live

Rat god

rat ruh raggy

Why kill a werewolf when u can date kne

This little meter shows wet and cold. Gotta keep em down.

thats bswe all know lavis always wet bc hes a horny rabbit

IAHSJSJSJS

I mean u know rabbits...

Wear a coat and u will be warm

gotta hump like theres no tomorrow

Sex keeps u warm..I think

Actually I don’t know:thinking:

id imagine to bodies that sit at 98 degrees F while doing nthing get pretty hot when pressed together and doing activities that raise your blod pressure

thats like a 400 degree sauna right there if my maths right. pretty toasty

....that makes me wanna never do anything cause Thats HOT

goodsex is bad - its how babies are made and we dont want none of that

Condoms are a thing

so are holes and accidents

Ajsjsjsj being gay means no babies

Why do u think Im here

W o w

U

bruh

They’re happy accidents

Tru, Hays where the other half of my sex ed comes in. One half is sims the other is p orn

they are good teachers. pornhub is good to us

Yeah on what not to do I found some kessed up stuff. That’s where I found that shrek video

Spongeknob squarenuts

I can honestly say I have seen worse. Anime p orn is another layer of hell

And then there were three

Wow what a cool dog

THE THREE AMIGOS. THE THREE MUSKETEERS. NOW WITH LESS BLACK SPOTS. or was that treasure island-squints-

That was treasure island

Wood looks so crunchy

I read moby dick, the three musketeers, treasure island, huckleberry fin, tom sawyer and a few others but. fuck me if I remember them in their entirety

I read that as “I read my dick” and I was very concerned

wood - the original forbidden fruit

DEAK GT TURBERCULOSIS

Is that a naked man

prbsi mean this is sex dungeon

My god. Worst kink

why two lil kids re crwling around it giving themselves aids is beyound me

This is the least sexy sex dungeon let’s be real here. No mood lighting, cold. No r and b music. Where’s the pizzazz

maybe they played music on the bones

Yeah cause that’s sexy//

it is if ur a skeleton fucker in the undertale fandom

Do NOT. I have nightmares about that fandom

I can no longer look at a naked anatomical skeleton in all casual and comfort anymore

Wow really just moved the money for that gold

Honestly seeing them with dicks that are blue and glowing is just. V bad. I have seen so many things. and every time I see an actual factual human skeleton now. its all I see

I’m glad are the men here in this dungeon are napping so well

and I am very uncomfortable with naked skeletons

Aren’t all.:.skeletons naked ?

Guess they are wearing skin...

Deaks hair is Cheeto colored which is honest such a look:tm: you rub your hand through deaks hair. your fingers come back stained with neon orange dust

Cheeto dandruff

whose playin the meat sticks again

what

i heard the meaty slaps

i still hear them

alright. go gather your quotes you quote whore

[alotta-lovin]

I'd really love to know more about you and Dean!! Are you a hunter? How did you two meet? How do you get along with Sam? What's your relationship with Dean like? Do you have pet names for each other? What was your reaction to his first (and other) deaths? How does he react to you getting hurt? Has he ever let you drive baby? How do you both like to relax after a stressful hunt? Have you had any really bad fights? -💜

SURE THING ANON!!! Just so you know its long…as fuck.

Are you a hunter?

I am– i’m a witch as well not a great one or anything either just…small things. So mostly hunter?????

How did you two meet?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HO HO HO HO HO– ACTUALLY, On a hunt— it was… something. I believe it was a run of the mill Vampire nest if im remembering correctly how we met– i was already pursuing the nest at this point no hell and let alone the knowledge that they were pursuing it at the same time i was and just kinda we came in from different sides and saw each other last minute before the fuckin doors shut letting everyone in the nest know that we were there… So start fighting and killing off the nest one by one when possible…and because im small and i was caught up in my own brain and confused about how i didn’t know others were pursuing this nest that were a team at that and would more than likely have a better chance with it as well than with me goin in on it alone like i originally planned and what i had found out it was a lot bigger than what i fuckin though’ so you can imagine how many times i would snap back to reality when he was yelling “Behind you!” or other directions “Left!” “Turn the fuck around!”.

After a few minutes of it i kinda got annoyed by being demanded after i was actually registering what i was doing and where they were coming from, and with that annoyed anger i started becoming sharper with my swings and hits when needed and I did get hit a few times of course cause im small and maybe got a lil too cocky when getting into the zone more– and Sam was the one to take on the Head of the nest– and after finishing up and with me i burn the bodies of the monsters i kill so i made them help me drag them all out to the back to burn the bodies and such..  And standing there with my hands in my pockets, my machete at my side on the ground from tossing it there and watching the flames glow and trying not to get a headache from the smell of flesh fuckin burning he walked up put his hand out and said “I’m Dean.” and with his other hand using his thumb to point back to his brother “And that’s Sammy”. i took a minute before i wiped the semi dried blood off my hand and onto my jeans as much as i possibly could i grabbed his hand and shook it, cleared my throat and spoke up “And I’m Faith.” letting go of his hand i then put it back in my pocket and turned to face him “Didn’t know you were pursuing the nest at all- sorry if i fucked up any plans you had” which was followed by “Don’t worry about it, i just think a tiny gal like you shouldn’t be going into big cases like that–” “And i don’t think you should be telling me what i can and can not do here, Darlin’. Make sure it burns out for me.” which i then leaned down and pulled my hand back out of my pocket and grabbed my machete and started heading to my Blazer (something probs like this) and waved to Sammy before shaking his hand introducing myself to him and actually exchanging numbers with him if they needed “A tiny gal” to help with a case. then headed towards my car unlocking it and throwing the Machete onto the other side of the seat and getting then proceeding to drive away basically. 

How do you get along with Sam?

Not gonna lie– Sam and i get along really well– like the replacement big brother i never had to replace the shit one i got??? its nice. Hell he was the one that fuckin straight up told Dean to stop being a pussy and admit that he had feelings for me cause he wouldn’t shut up about how he was demanding Sammy to message me to see if i was okay and or if i needed help just so he could see me or always asking Sammy “Have you heard from Faith lately” and just– as much as Dean and i get on each others tails about things and annoy the other with small things Sam knew i had feelings for Dean and thats because i told him but it was also the way i treated him??? i guess?? but Sam was the one to fuckin tell Dean to man up and tell me and mean-time-in-between-time IM FUCKIN SITTING RIGHT THERE AND JUST WITH A “wait whut” look on my face before registering what the fuck is happening and hiding my face in the table 

What’s your relationship with Dean like?

Its— How do i put this– Okay, so i like doing my own thing, ill listen by rules if needed you know, and ill respect others and i have my own rules too so i follow by those and i have rules for other people, And same goes for Dean you know?

So sometimes things like that get in and sorta make us fight– but its mostly because we aren’t used to feeling like this feeling???? For him its, “Everyone ive loved so far has died and i dont want this to happen but shes being so fuckin— Stubborn about doing this ONE THING!” and for me its “I don’t want to lose this person i feel so strongly for but i dont understand this feeling and he wont listen to this ONE THING and i get that he has his ways and i have mine but…i dont want to lose him…at all.” So its fighting because we love each other but then that leads to lots of love building up more and more worry but also more trust in the other after proving that we’ll be okay. Its..a little all over the place but its also held together well??

Hell if he’s angry and fucking beating a tree with his bare fists im that fuckin girl to sit there and grab a drink and watch him do it while talking to Sam..that or if im working on like something to make me relax like lets say– a Flower necklace and i finished the spell on it ill walk up behind him and put it around his neck and he instantly relaxes…maybe too much cause he ends up falling back onto me and i have to catch him– its a weird but nice relationship if that makes sense?.

Heck– man if he fuckin flirts with a chick im that person to walk up and start flirting with someone as well– It gets him to stop and when he stops ill stop. so he’s slowly learned and is learning “Okay no flirting other than with her” but still does it from time to time.

Do you have pet names for each other?

We have to keep in mind i use pet names for everyone– and when i say everyone i mean EVERYONE. sometimes stuff like “Lil fucker” “Fuckin bitch” “Dipnap” for some odd reason to things like “Sweetie” “Sugar” “Babe” not even kidding. BUT! i have special ones for him.

⁃ Dreamboat (From Me to Dean)⁃ Casanova (From Me to Dean)⁃ Little Darlin’ (From Dean to Me)⁃ Baby Doll (From Dean to Me)⁃ Pain in my fuckin ass (From Me to Dean)(In a loving, irritated/annoyed way)⁃ Tiny Brat (From Dean to Me) (In a loving, irritated/annoyed way)

Phone Contact names : (Both Phones)

Dean:

Phone #1 ⁃ Angel Eyes (Faith)Phone #2 ⁃ Lady Luck

Faith:

Phone #1 ⁃ Hotshot (Dean)Phone #2 ⁃ Knockout

Bonus!:

⁃ Champ (From Me to Sammy) (Sisterly way)⁃ Peaches (From Sammy to Me) (Brotherly way) (His definition for calling me it in his words are : “I think you’re delightful and you’re a sweetie like a peach so, instead of just sis; you know…Peaches?”)

What was your reaction to his first (and other) deaths? :

Okay they basically killed me and each time he fuckin came back i always thought for some fucked reason that some fucking demon or shape shifter was always trying to fuck with me so– you can imagine how many things have been thrown or shot at him– or splashed with holy water as well—

How does he react to you getting hurt? :

Oh god–  Okay, so …not good?? but also like a huge worry-wart and if its really bad (I.E. gunshot wounds, deep stabs or extreme wounds) hes not hesitant to start calling for Feather butt–.

Has he ever let you drive baby? :

Yeah actually- a few times, the first time he was very– demanding that i do things a certain way and i got annoyed and fed up with it so i took my foot of the gas and my hands off the wheel, going down hill and crossed my arms and looked over at him while Sam sat in the back mortified and scared cause the car started to drift to the other side of the road with on-coming traffic and all i said with a dead-pan look “You wanna drive then? Be my guest. ill wait” which was followed by “OKAY DO WHAT YOU WANT JUST DRIVE DAMMIT BEFORE WE GET HIT!” “Okay then, thank you” and – it was an experience..needless to say he doesn’t try to boss around my driving. In baby or my Blazer.

How do you both like to relax after a stressful hunt? :

Hot. Showers. even more over if its a bloody hunt too– just…Hot Showers most of the time…and for him lots of drinks while im just having a few here and there and more so drinking tea more than likely. that or…other things.

Have you had any really bad fights? :

Yes. a few actually– they were more so while we were both denying our feelings… The first one was when i was still confused why i got so jealous about him talking to other girls/guys all around and when he would gloat about what pussy he got the night before. but continuing on he started flirting with our waitress while we were at a Diner, i ordered my food, then Sam..then Dean– and of course she was very much okay with it and with how small i am and how i look the age im not which is that of a young child– She more than likely thought i was their little cousin or somethin of that nature, and when she came back with our food after a little while he said thank you and bit his lip as she waved and walked away which was followed by him watching her walk away….I picked up my plate slid out of the booth and dumped it into his lap and threw the plate into his lap as well which i then leaned over the table and grabbed my car keys (we took my Blazer) and walked out driving back to the hotel leaving both Sam and Dean there to walk back with no key-card to get back in….i i think it was over reacting personally but Sam things he deserved it since a few hours before picking me up he was so worried and excited to hear about what had been going on with me and all this other bullsnaps…but that was our first big/really bad “Fight”???? theres more which some have lead in either me getting into my Blazer and driving off and going ghost on him but not Sam for a month or two or if i was holding a bat (most common for me) or a machete and i was close to baby… As much as i hate myself for it but at the time i didnt really care ive put dents in the hood or ive broken the windows or scratched the pant— it was bad… but yeah.

[vitamindmemories]

mediocre

i wasnt tooo big a fan of my experience between 3-5/6th grade lol .. like, it was fine i guess, but i had just moved schools and towns and houses, and had to make all new friends, not that i really had many in my last school - just one mainly but she was my best friend there . and here, i didnt really have a best friend in the middle of elementary school, like there were people who were nice and were friends, but we didnt connect on that level. i shouldnt complain. but plus the grade was super cliquey, idk if thats just what happens by third grade no matter where you go but they were. and i was getting very slow in school like everything took me forever lol. and there were “popular” kids by then which was super annoying.

i had a hard time in 2nd grade too, no friends in my class but atleast there were people who were kinda nice to me sometimes and my best friend was on my bus, molly. and i liked my house and i was confident lol and we had fun with min because she was a baby so actually i remember that age fondly. and i had a couple bullys, the main bully and his sidekick, and a girl who was my friend but then she got mean to me but then i tricked her into being my friend again lol. and its just annoying because by second and third grade you start getting all kinds of anxiety about being cool or about keeping up with trends which i couldnt barely keep up with or whatever lol. i have a theory that people are pretty tolerant of each other and dont form cliques yet and social hierarchies before 2nd grade . plus i feel like i was socially inept and physically uncoordinated .

high school was fine. atleast i had friends, and best friends. that was cool and what was what i wanted. i felt super safe and i worked hard and got good grades. but like right before high school my neighbor whos two years older than me would throw these big parties at his house all night and my family would get super like Dont Drink like him and Dont Have Sex with boys because Thats all they probably want and then youll get Pregnant. which is advice you should take to an extent . but i was super obedient and i was super gullible and literally was always into doing whatever people told me to for some reason like i guess i didnt want to get in trouble? .. so i was super afraid of all that stuff lol and never fucking tried to drink or Talk to any boys ever through like my whole high school career except for like a second, when i thought about Living like a normal person. so i regret that lol, because here i am like 10 yeares later, still struggling with how to do social things and party .. whoop. hopefully ill catch up . i feel like i nearly did but it was embarassing when i realized how behind i was and how scared of catching up quick enough, i was ..

i guess i was also fit[ter] in high school,..i never appreciated that until i got to college and literally gained the freshman 15, i thought thatd be a myth. its not. still have it. but i never did sports anymore in college. maybe thats why, and maybe i had faster metabolism in highschool..and i didnt snack much because i didnt have a sense of like, autonomy that that was a thing i could do lol, eat when its not mealtime ? i think, i dunno. this’s genetic.

i didnt really start drinking until like haha when i was actually 21.. and i played club hockey and those girls could party and they were really approachable and safe and helpful about it ha, so that was nice, they helped me get my way into it in a good way. then in senior year id go and hang out at some of my closest friends’ appartment in one of the dorms, and we’d drink white wine from the convenient store across the street, or this free henessey that a guy gave my friend to woo her but she didnt want it and i never even finished it, its still in the closet downstairs lol, 5 years later ? i was a weird drunk though, before i learned to get a grip on myself, id like try to hold peoples hands or hold on to people (that i was good enough friends with) and tell them all my thoughts and feelings ha . tell them how much i like them or whatever. lie down on the floor. walk around without pants. just in the apartment or around people i trust lol. embarassing. or like try to make out with anyone whos not a hobo or old person or baby ha. idkk.

i didnt consciously try to date really, until my last year of college. idk, i thought i wasnt ready or something or thought itd be overwhelming or i wouldnt be good at it and itd just be an embarassment i guess. i think i just casually mentioned wanting to be dating and my dad ha actually goes, you should do online dating ! so i did and i actually learned a lot about making convo that way, you  get to talk to all these strangers and if it doesn’t work out, it doesnt matter and you can just stop, and id never been too social so i was getting some good practice talking to people there ha.

im always afraid that looking back, ive made a horrible fool of myself socially mostly, and i wasnt aware of it ha . but i feel like i dont say much most of the time so how bad could it really be.

i think  mostly im embarassing, ive been informed, because ive been not very confident and then i might mumble my words and its just hard to understand and painful to watch . and then i start scratching and fidgeting when im nervous. ee. idkk im hopingg i feel like ive gotten much more confident since working at ch last year, because if youre not confident there youll literally get your ass handed to you. so in about 6 months you learn how to say what you want and set boundaries, and i had a friend who was just like me but i feel like people liked her more and i was like, why do they ? and i was like, probs because shes more articulate and confident, so i decided to be more conscious of how things sound when they come out my mouthh. if im embarassing for anything else its been just like knowing social norms lol and convo making and how to make romantic moves/take cues, but ive been putting myself out there a lot more these past few years, painfully, and feell like ive learned a lot and am a lot more aware of what im doing [right] so thats better.