#[ I HOARDED THIS fjfjfjf ]

[despairforme]

I lub and appreciate you so, so much Toby?! Words cannot describe it :3c I still remember being nervous following you but I am glad I was encouraged. You're so cute and sweet. You're amazing, talented, generous, compassionate person c: If I had to pick one thing I am grateful for, is having met you and all your wonderful muses. You're so special to everyone uwu. You're a little snowpea <3 So gentle and soft. Continue being you : 3c do all the Noii drawing, filll tumblr with it hehe <3

     [ !!!!! KIKI !!!!! Did I keep this in my inbox for ages because I loved looking at it? YES I DID. This message is so kind and thoughtful! Honestly you’re always incredibly considerate and soft and and patient and kind with me? I’m super glad you decided to follow me so that we could become friends! I’m really thankful for that! And that we get to interact and chat. t - t All these sweet words for me I cannot?? I appreciate you taking time out of your day to send me this message. I’ve kept it with me and read it whenever I needed some cheering up. Again, thank you! It means a lot!! t - t ]

[weabooweedwitch]

I went from being Monumentally Happy to like Absolutely Devastated several times this morning haha (put under a readmore because it's about weight/weight loss/surgery)

I realized that my coworker is right and I have been losing tons of weight now that I've had my leg surgeries, but I never noticed because it wasn't showing on the scale, it was showing by me losing inches off my waistline and I didn't notice until I literally was about to take a shower the other day and saw my stomach in the mirror. Instead of being a rounded 'circle' belly like I've had my entire life, it's become such significantly flatter that it's trying to kinda fold over onto itself. Like, there's a line forming around my belly button where my upper stomach is becoming flatter and my lower stomach is like, deflating and beginning to hang lower

So. I was ecstatic. This kind of proves that the problem all along was my equinus because now that I've had my surgery I can move so much better and I'm becoming visibly thinner without really even dieting or trying. After 25 years I can finally works towards the energy and range of motion I should have had all along. I feel like maybe my body was holding on to fat for energy to help my constantly agitated leg muscles? Like a backup generator or a battery? I was always running on 60% because my legs were using too much juice and now that they're fine my body can calm down and like... function more normally

And I was just really really happy and crying because I've felt like a prisoner and a freak in my own body that I couldn't control and hurt all the time and this entire time before my diagnosis I always believed it was my fault. now it's so much better and.... and...

....and then I remembered what happens next AFTER losing a significant amount of weight. Most people don't know that when you're heavy for a significant amount of time, when you lose weight, your skin is so used to being stretched out by all the fat deposits that once the fat is gone it literally just hangs there as extra flabby skin, so now that I'm starting to slim down I'm starting to have less of a chubby belly and more of, well, something known as a panniculus which is just a fun way of saying "my stomach is eventually going to be a massive wad of hanging skin that has to be surgically resected back into place"

and... and... im just so fucking terrified that either 1) ok so this is fucking abdominal surgery so honestly im so fucking scared of even having it done because it'll be stitches near critical areas and critical organs so like fjfjfjf what if i get hurt or sick or infected and i fucking die 2) what if my medicaid won't cover a panniculectomy or 3) i might be working enough hours and make enough money by the time I need the surgery that I may no longer qualify for medicaid AND UH THAT'S KIND OF A BIG PROBLEM BECAUSE

I'm just... I'm just gonna start hoarding all the money i can. I need this surgery. I need this. If I lose all this weight only to be left with all this visibly loose hanging skin on my tummy and my arms and my thighs, forget the looks I already get from being overweight; I don't think I would ever leave my apartment again

So. Yeah I just. I'm unbelievably happy that I'm finally losing weight and my body isn't being held hostage by my disability anymore and I can actually take walks and run now but... I'm just scared of what's next to come. What if I lose weight but don't qualify for the surgery to be fully covered, or even to qualify for them to operate on me because I'm "technically" a "smoker" or the doctors think I'm just some fucking loser who's gonna waste their hard efforts

I just. I get really massive scared and anxious when I dont know what's coming or what to expect 😭 i just want my body to be the way it's supposed to be and im tired of worrying about not having enough money for emergencies or for what I really need it for