#> bc those 3 all happen within the space of like. 2? 3 hrs at most?

[waloeders]

i have a bunch of fun tibids relating to that fic (so spoilers below for my own fic i guess??? and also ff16 spoilers LMAO) but i dont wanna clog dash so. readmore my beloved<3

this turned into an info dump abt so many things. enjoy?

- ok so fun fact #1: the use of Lord vs lord throughout is directly relating to how much barnabas' belief in ultima as a god/the god is wavering

- similarly, the use of mythos vs logos. in another fic set before this one that ive yet to post 🙈, clive (aka mythos, aka logos) makes a point to barnabas abt being logos not mythos, which ultima affirms. despite this, barnabas is still clinging to clive being mythos bc if hes logos, all the scripture n beliefs he has are wrong

- barnabas often mimics ultimas phrasings and sayings, even in game, including the use of Eikon names rather than the persons yaknow. actual name. e.g. shiva vs jill. kosmos vs ryder. mythos/logos vs clive etc etc

- barnabas n sleipnir have a. weird semi-spiritual bond. this is mostly hc'd from me bc we never see it super directly or stated in game/story? its implied that a dominant can sense when their egi is killed but not really expanded upon. where benedikta (garudas dominant) can sense her egi n refers to them as 'sisters', her egi arent nearly as human or as, well, sentient/alive as sleipnir is.

- im also taking the stance of sleipnir being originally an extension of barnabas (+odin) that he made to protect himself from his grief/loneliness. but over the ~50yrs theyve been alive + together, hes grown into his own being and does have traits/personality that barny didnt give him/doesnt have himself. hes very much his own person but cant die (permanently) unless barnabas does. he can also duplicate himself, change some parts of his appearance and still has this bond with barnabas that allows them to vaguely sense where the other is, what theyre doing and better interpret what the other wants/means

- im takin it to be theyve been in the worlds longest qpr while never actually really admitting it to each other. this is both good and bad for them (mostly bad for the world, they enable each other)

- fun fact!! canonically sleipnir and ultima never interact in game. sleipnir only ever interacts with some ppl from kanver at the start, hugo (titan), benedikta (garuda), barnabas ofc and clive. dude is not getting out and about nearly enough. but interestingly as an egi, he can be (physically) very far from where barnabas is! its also kind of implied that he can prime into his horse form without needing barnabas as odin?

- this fic does have the least amount of kosmos introspective. wack. hes just going through the motions, okay? its not like hes been kidnapped n threatened by a god-like being before. their ass is not thinking 💀💀

- ultima uses this weird combo of we/us but when on the defensive, it speaks of i/me. im assuming this is relating to ultima being multiple beings of ultima-species merged into one hivemind-like being? and this idea/notion of being part of this larger whole but when afraid, feeling alone and like one being again. i also tend to use it over he for it partly bc i impart kosmos' perspective a lil n he views ultima that way and partly bc there was like 4 different he/him users there. guys. pls. invite some women to ur fights its not very feminism of u

- barnabas's mother is never named in anything. she doesnt even have voice lines when ultima turns into her in the game, despite it being able to mimic benedikta and hugo (also dead)??? like she is the epitome of fridged i feel so bad for her. but context is she is killed when barny is 18 for worshipping ultima n thats what causes him to prime as odin for the first time and create sleipnir (as an egi/person)

- but barny is the first dominant of odin literally ever so its like. sleipnir is part of odin (the eikon) and in my mind first shows up/is created as a guy when barnabas unprimes that first time. and theyve just stuck together ever since

- speaking of. sleipnir does worship ultima too, but largely bc barnabas does. they share a lot of beliefs abt ultima + mankind (esp. since its been them two for again, like 50yrs) but he draws the line at ultima hurting barnabas, hes sleipnir's #1 priority over anything or anyone else

- sleipnir literally has one line to kosmos in this and hes bullying them i 💀💀😭😭 it made me laugh so much i was like 100% he would watch and just throw in the occasional comment, the only reason he didnt comment in game when clive fights that thing outside hugos palace is bc he didnt want clive to know he was there i KNOW im right

- final sleipnir tibit is actually that in canon we never see if he has a semi-primed form? its assumed not since hes an egi, not a dominant but i decided that his armoured look is his semi-prime since thats true of barnabas + we dont see sleipnir change into his armour. its true to me

- ultima actually slips that kosmos is kin (as in also an ultima) in this but somehow none of the gang notice! com'on guys 😭

- the golden aether!!!!! aether is always blue in canon and i wanted it so that when kosmos uses aether/magick a) it to look cool b) for kosmos (the ultima being) to look distinct from ultima (hivemind)

- technically speaking. ultima is a non corporeal being, it doesn't have a physical body buuut since zantetsuken "severs" some shit in ur atoms, it works

- it is kosmos that teleports them away, not barnabas! prior to this, clive absorbed odin and altho ive not mentioned it yet, kosmos n logos have a weird connection - the more eikons clive absorbs, the stronger kosmos gets (as he is also getting the eikons). in a similar way to mythos og needing to absorb eikons so that ultima can possess clive long enough to cast the spell for the new world w/o dying, kosmos (the ultima) needs the eikons to both get strong (theyre like half dead prior to this) and to awaken (which is what happens in this fic). so yeah, he is the one using odins rift slip, not barny! :3

theres a bunch more stuff abt kosmos i wanna talk abt but also. i wanna write it out in fic form bc theres so much that happens its a slap

i have like at least 3 shitposts i wanna make regarding the fic too that are basically like.

---

barny: i would never betray you, my lord!

kosmos, glowing gold less than 5mins later: hi

barny: ....fuck.

---

sleipnir: can we sick this guy PLEASE can we please sick this guy can we have a fight can we have a figh- {etc}

---

clive: we got back as soon as we could jill, which way did they go??

kosmos n barnabas: *reappear in the hideaway after having the most traumatic, life-altering, religion-breaking moments of their lives*

cid: found them! :3 <- guy abt to get the hide n seek championship award

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[jelly-omelette]

4.1.2020

so i’m kind of excited to be moving on with my life in terms of processing my emotions. i didn’t even realize it but i’ve been shutting them out for probably like the past year ever since liezl, i want to say. it’s been really hard, trying to keep to myself, act like i’m alright even when i’m not, just to get through the day and make it easier to get through mundane obligations. but recently, especially with all this time to myself to reflect, i’ve been watching a lot of shows, and feel good by mae martin particularly inspired me to think about what truly matters to me and to just live my truth. talking to my dad, even though harsh, at least gave me an answer on how he views things and how much lack of perspective he has, and i felt i was able to be a bit more at peace with myself knowing that i am not responsible for his stupidity and bigotry. and to know that his bigotry is fueled by his own unhappiness and self hatred from his own marriage makes it somewhat less terrifying? but also like it’s still really shitty that he expressed strong regret for getting married and having kids.... smfh. idk what my mom would do if she heard this. but anyway, moving on, i felt rly shitty but i felt lighter after that talk. i appreciated his emotional honesty despite how terrible it was. then, i started thinking about my relationship with my first girlfriend (they go by they/them now), and i reached out to her, sorry *they, and caught up with them which was really nice. we made amends and i apologized for some stuff i felt shitty about and it was nice to let that go, and they apologized as well and hooked me up w/ some connections and is gonna help me get experience working on film gigs in the future. so i’m really excited about that because i have been constantly thinking about pursuing that industry and leaving the tech world so i can finally express my artistic side in my everyday work. i feel like i’m finally making moves and getting opportunities to pursue what i think will truly make me happy and more at peace with myself and my truth. opening up has finally allowed me to process some negative emotions that i’ve been stuck on and to continue rebuilding and working on my self esteem, which is in fact a lot lower than i would like it to be. i’m realizing truths about myself and giving myself validity and valuing my own thoughts which allows me to own who i am and go about my day confidently. it’s giving me more stability. i still feel anxious when i’m in new environments and have to interact with people, but i’m starting to realize that i don’t have to address everybody, i don’t need to please everybody or worry about what they’re thinking of me. i can just be me, and continue on. that’s so empowering. i’m thankful for the time that the pandemic sheltering has allowed me, because i don’t think i’d be able to reflect and build up the courage to have those discussions with my dad and my ex when i’m constantly exhausted from working 8 hrs a day and driving in traffic 2 hrs a day... leaves me with almost little to no time at all for myself, which i just end up consuming by watching television anyway. this is such a nice change, tbh. i’m also having good conversations with my friends, been thinking about therapy, and also am happy bc my favorite coworker gave me his number so i could ask him for advice. he feels like the dad i always wish that i had, and i really look up to him; he’s so smart, too, and i feel so lucky to be able to work with and be mentored by someone who isn’t condescending, is patient, and really articulate and willing to share his plethora of knowledge. i’m starting to believe in kindness and love. it sounds strange, but i always doubted/rejected any words of affection from people because my bitterness didn’t allow me to accept the possibility that there are people who love and care about me. i wasn’t able to let that in for a long time, and that’s just the way the my parents showed/didn’t show their affection. i’ve only been able to trust love through actions aka acts of service and quality time, not through verbal communication, so that’s something that’s new to me as well. another thing that i recently took on that i’m really excited about is being a moderator for the gaymer discord community; i submitted my application today so no guarantees of it actually happening, but the thought of committing to a role that involves conflict resolution is really empowering to me, because i don’t think i’ve ever taken an active role that requires/teaches conflict resolution skills. i think that’s something i’ve overlooked and something i have a lot of holes that need to be patched within, so i’m really looking forward to what i can learn from it to improve my own personal relationships and also just the ability to respect the boundaries drawn by others as well as myself. setting boundaries and being able to communicate verbally those boundaries and in general is not something i picked up from school or at home. probably the most perspective i have on those topics are from psychology videos on youtube, articles, instagram quotes, and my friend ray. i really was out of touch with how my body felt in terms of comfort and respecting the way that i felt. taking a step in the right direction, even if it’s small, is going to help me a lot in the long run. the thing i’ve always liked about the internet is the safety of being able to log off or remain anonymous. when you’re in an abusive household, you can’t just log off. you’re reminded of it at unpredictable times, and you don’t have any control over it when you’re a minor. so i blamed myself a lot as a child, which still carries into my self esteem today, and i got really good at tuning out the people and environment around me... which was good when i needed emotional stability, and really helped me focus on academia, but was a double edged sword because it made it hard for me to befriend people or actually listen to what people are saying. like i said, verbal communication was just so untrustworthy and had betrayed me many times, so i don’t comprehend dialogue as well as i might have if i didn’t experience it the way i did. something i thought of in the shower was, “the solution isn’t always clear, but if the goal is, you’ll find your way through”. with that said, my goals are: 1) pursue a more artistic career 2) get better at verbal communication and vulnerability; accepting and believing that i am loved and worthy of it 3) to not be so hard on myself, to not take responsibility for my parent’s hatred and bigotry and unhappiness; to reserve the compassion i have for other people enough for myself to feel safe and happy; limiting what i do so that i still have time for myself at the end of the day to process emotions and reflect; to give myself space to be truthful and not feel obligated to label my sexuality/gender