#<-i made a new ask/ramble tag do you like it is it cringy

[faxaway]

RA9 IT WAS YOUR BDAY???? HAPPY BELATED!!!

-mercilessflowchart

it was!! the rumors are true, I've completed a rotation around the sun and sources say I was very brave about it. who cares if it's belated, time is made up, THANK YOUUU CAMILLAA <333 :]

[quotidian-oblivion]

Thanks so much for the tag! I have never seen this type of tag game before, but it sounds really cool. And hey, I'm so happy for you, wallflower, with all those achievements! It's amazing! /gen

Alrighty, uh, I had to think a bit for some, but some immediately popped into my mind cuz I had a squeaking session some days ago. (A squeaking session is just me squeaking about myself to boost up my internal validation bar)

FANDOM

Published 15 works on ao3 and have 9 fics written and to be edited and published and too many to count ideas filled in various word documents. This is... kinda overwhelming in a good way cuz writing... writing's just always been me, y'know? Just always a part of me. A coping mechanism and a hobby.

Written and published two novel-length fics. Wow. I've wanted to publish a novel since I was 10. And now... 10-year-old me is gonna be confused about why its fanfiction, but then squeal when she finds out that it's as long as a novel and wouldn't mind anyway.

I've written more words than I could have ever imagined. 251,825 that are published. Oh God, I love this game.

NON-FANDOM

Started being more aware about my mental health ig? Specifically, when I started writing my first multi-chapter fic. Had to do a lot of research and found things that sounded way too familiar. Then I actually started experiencing some of the things, crashed into a wall (metaphorically), started losing myself and motivation, but starting to regain it and myself back! Yeah lol, fanfic's helped a lot with this.

And my friends did too! Even more so. That's my second celebration. The friends I made. The, uh, online ones that is. The irl ones are... just, y'know, are. But I love my lovely noodles. They're the best ones I could ever ask for. Love ya guys! (No really, I would be walking around with an anxiety attack and be like "this is fine" without you and would be dead. Metaphorically that is. Thank you.)

Being more... mature? Myself? Can't think of the word. But not naive and dumb and cringy and stupid and ignorant and- wait no, this is a self-positivity post. Okay, sorry, so, basically, I changed. Drastically. It started last year, and I swear to God, I'm going through identities and personalities like one would go through thin stockings. Weird metaphor, ik, but im not always the best at it. You get the gist tho. The ppl around me must think a new clone is appearing each month or even week with how much I'm constantly changing myself. My way of talking, behaving, acting, thinking. Just constant change on my "journey to find myself".

I wanna say being more organized and meeting due dates but then we all know that I would be lying. All I can say is that I'm surviving and growing braver by the day (like getting the courage to reveal my singing voice to my friends after four years today + a bunch more! Yay!)

Lol, i went on a ramble. I love rambling. This was great, thank you.

Tagging, with absolutely no pressure, @cygnusdoesthings @tristicorde @wakkoroni @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego @sardonic-sprite + whoever else wants to join in. We would love to have you. Really.

SELF CELEBRATION TAG GAME

Thanks @charmsandtealeaves for the tag! This took a few days of stewing... and then I forgot about it.

I’m not sure what the original rules were, but I’m going with stuff from this year.

FANDOM

Started writing promoted microfics. Published 15 so far. Mostly Jily, one Wolfstar, and one about Angelina Johnson. It's so much fun; I love the microfic community.

Published chapters for All’s Well That Ends Well, I Can’t Love Him and Expectation’s Encumbrance. Will probably take me a couple months to publish the next ones, but hey, who's counting?

Published Three Is a Lucky Number, You Know, which was the labour of an in-proportionate amount of time. Probably one of my favourite things I've written.

This is not really fandom, but it is Tumblr: I can now leave Asks without switching to anon, which used to be difficult/anxiety-invoking. Yay for me!

NON FANDOM

Started bouldering again after a long break. Also picked up a few other hobbies again, which is fun.

Have a +30-day streak on Duolingo. Probably my proudest achievement.

Enrolled in a unit at uni. Pretty happy with myself about this one. I was considering deferring because my mental health was in the dumps last year (not helped by uni), but I'm actually looking forward to this semester.

That's all I can really think of.

Going to tag (obviously, no pressure, sorry if you’ve already done it): @merlinsbbeard @kay-elle-cee @annabtg @practicecourts @quotidian-oblivion @constancezin

[dancingazaleas]

ymir & historia reiss | addition

i literally never stfu abt them so why not write abt them

THIS IS A POLY ONESHOT!!! i love them but it’s hard to imagine them with someone else (romantically) so why not both! this post is so long and kind of cringy i’m so sorry besties 😞

warnings/notes: cursing, angst to comfort/fluff, modern au!, college au!, reader, historia, and ymir are 19-20.

you groan and slam your head against your desk, ymir just laughs at you, sitting to your right. the two of you were in your geography class and you felt like your brain was melting.

“it really isn’t that hard,” ymir nudges your ribs with her elbow.

“easy for you to say. you’ve been around the world, i’ve barely left trost,” ymir rolls her eyes as you whine into your arms, “you’re also literally majoring in paleontology. you’ve been into it since you were a kid, like a nerd.”

“i might just punch you for that,” she threatens, “historia was pretty good in geography back in highschool. maybe she can tutor you?”

when ymir said historia’s name, it felt as if you were getting whiplash from how you felt giddy and then felt slightly bitter.

historia has been your best friend ever since the two of you were 17 and met at a bed, bath, and beyond store. she goes to community college, her dad forbade her from university and she only agreed if it she could go. when you gushed about the university you’re currently going to, she immediately started listening and asking what classes you were in.

that’s how she found out you have geography with her girlfriend, and your other best friend, ymir. she started squealing and decided to introduce the two of you.

you both tried to intimidate one another when you first met a year ago, but once historia said something about farting from anxiousness you both bursted into laughter.

that’s how you integrated into their lives. you hang out with the both of them almost everyday, you talk to them everyday, you eat lunch together every thursday, and you three even go see new movies together on saturdays.

within the first four months of befriending the both of them, you felt like as if you were ruining the their alone time. multiple times you had come to hang out with ymir and/or historia only to find out that they were having a date night. even if they invited you to join after, you still felt guilty.

you also felt guilty for feeling jealous and sad whenever they both would show affection for each other. you didn’t know what you were/are jealous of and you don’t know what would make you sad about them being happy.

but you realized what exactly was making you feel that way when ymir and historia started pestering you about your love life. specifically, about a girl named hitch that they think you’d like. and ymir asked you if you’d ever even been in love before. after a few minutes of contemplating, you told her yes.

you love them both. you wanted to be with the both of them.

but you never could be. they don’t love you in the same way as each other. they don’t want to kiss you, hold you, and sleep with you.

and you know that.

“hey doofus, class ended. you comin’?,” ymir’s voice shook you out of your trance.

you look at her and nod, shoveling your stuff into the tote bag you use as your backpack. the two of you are going to meet historia for lunch, you both don’t have classes after 12. thank god.

it’s raining when you two step outside and ymir’s rambling about what restaurant the three of you should go to for lunch as you both walk to her car. you tell her you’re okay with anything as the two of you get in the car, which makes her whip her head towards you and pause after you’ve closed the doors.

“alright, what’s wrong with you,” she asks abruptly.

“what? why are you asking?”

“you’ve been so spacey and quiet lately, you’re hooking up with people, and now you’re okay with eating whatever? you’re a little picky about your food. and you usually never shut up. something is up,” she’s started the car and is no driving out of the parking lot.

“it’s just classes and work. i’m fine. i don’t wanna talk about it,” you shrug and look out the window. you don’t want to look at ymir.

“you’re lying,” she scoffs and shakes her head, “liar.”

you just ignore her and keep staring outside the window.

the rest of the car ride is silent excluding the tame impala song ymir’s playing on the radio. you almost jump for joy whenever the restaurant that historia and ymir must’ve decided on is in view. historia’s standing is sitting on a bench outside of the restaurant, holding an umbrella over her head and a smile shows up on her face when she sees the two of you pulling up. she’s stands up and waits for ymir to park and for you both to get out of the car. it makes your heart flutter a bit. she’s gorgeous.

you almost lunge out of the car whenever the door’s are unlocked, catching the attention from them both. you start fast walking towards the doors of the restaurant, but historia is blocking your path with her arms out wide to give you a hug.

you don’t want to hug her. you don’t want to burst into tears from the hug alone. she’s closing in on you, but you manage to swerve to the left and successfully dodge the hug. you scurry into the restaurant before she can get another chance to hug you. historia and ymir give each other a look of confusion and sadness.

after they exchange a peck on the lips, they follow you into the restaurant. when they get inside, they’re met with the view of you chatting excitedly and bashfully with the hostess, who’s name tag says nifa.

when nifa starts leading you to your table, you spare them a look that says to follow you. while nifa’s leading everyone, you’re both still laughing and blushing. historia and ymir give look at one another, feeling somewhat bitter at seeing this. you hadn’t even said anything to historia and you’ve barely talked to ymir all day.

the couple almost cry out a thank you whenever you’re all seated and nifa leaves.

you start looking at your menu aimlessly. you’ve been here before and you know what you want. but anything to avoid eye contact with ymir and historia, and it makes them sad.

“(name), did you know the hostess? seemed like you two were good friends,” you look up from the menu to see historia leaning towards you while smiling.

“no, i don’t know her. she said i looked familiar and we started talking about if we go to the same university. only to find out that i have a class with her,” you look embarrassed as you start to stare out of the window.

ymir hums in response and the waiter makes his appearance before historia can ask something else. you all decide to order your food at the same time of your drinks—it speeds up the process. when the waiter leaves, the table falls into an uncomfortable silence.

a couple minutes later, you’re scrolling through social media and taking a sip of your drink that was brought to you. you’re debating if you should text the groupchat you’re in with eren, mikasa, and armin. but before you can even make the decision, ymir and historia clap quietly, a signal that the food is here.

even when you’re all eating, the silence is unbearable. you feel like banging your head against a window. you opt to stare outside of it instead.

for some reason, this sets ymir off and she drops her silverware against the plate, the noise startling you and historia.

“alright,” she’s still chewing, “what the fuck is up with you? something’s obviously wrong, and you won’t tell us for whatever fucking reason. you’ve been so distant towards historia and i lately, you’re not even talking to us that much in person, you reject historia’s hug, and you seem so spacey lately!! you’ve also been rejecting our invites to hanging out when it isn’t thursday or saturday. you can’t just act like this and then expect us to not fucking notice the obvious changes. so what the fuck is wrong?”

you struggle to reply, “i’ve just been... stressed with school work and stuff. i’ve got a lot of stuff on my mind. how have i been distant?”

ymir slams her hand onto the table, and that’s when you realize that she’s actually pissed off. she’s pointing her finger at you as she starts raising her voice, attracting attention from other customers.

“you told me that you don’t have much work unless finals or what the fuck ever is coming up and finals end two fucking months ago! you fucking avoided hugging historia, and you’ve known her for years. but you’re so happy to chat with the fucking hostess, who met today. you’re acting like you don’t want to be our friend anymore, and if that’s the case then fucking tell us up front. it’ll save us some pain,” she spits and historia’s slapping her bicep and trying to get her to stop.

your throat feels clogged as your eyes start to tear up. you look petrified.

after a few seconds of you staring absentmindedly, you’re crying. fat tears rolling down your face and dripping onto the table as you bite on your bottom lip to avoid sobbing. you’re eyebrows are drawn upwards and you can’t stop sniffling.

you don’t want to lose them, but you don’t want to tell them. ‘this sucks,’ you think.

both historia and ymir are taken aback at your tears and feel the guilt crawling up their shoulders. you’re not easy to push to tears, it’s how you’re able to be around ymir. whatever’s upsetting you, it must be really stressful.

“(name),” historia speaks softly and puts her hand over your’s, “i’m sorry ymir made you cry. we’re just worried about you, but that doesn’t excuse the way ymir reacted. do you want to talk about it?”

you let out a broken sob as your shoulder shake, “take me home. take me home please.”

“wh—ow!!” ymir is slapped hard by historia.

“are you sure that’s what you want? you know you can tell us anything, right?”

you nod and let out a hiccup. historia frowns but chooses not to say anything and starts digging in her purse for her wallet. she pulls out a fifty and puts it onto the table, pushing ymir gently to get her outside of the booth. you’re getting out of the booth, scrubbing your wet eyes and trying to hide from nifa.

“i’m gonna drive you back to your apartment, okay? ymir, can you get their stuff out of your car,” she gently holds onto your arm while ymir begrudgingly obeys.

you get in the passenger seat of her car, covering your face as you start crying harder. historia’s standing at the front of her car, talking about something with ymir. whatever it is, it’s upsetting the both of them and you can’t help but feel like they’re arguing about you.

they seem to come to a conclusion, seeing as historia gives ymir a kiss on her lips. she’s getting in the driver’s seat, handing over your bag full of textbooks and laptop.

when historia starts the car, her car starts playing a tennis song that makes you smile. she switches it to soft lofi music to help you feel just a bit calmer.

the drive is mostly quiet besides your sobbing and crying. historia’s holding one of your hands in silent support.

she feels guilty and confused. had ymir really upset you that bad? what are you so upset about? is it because of us?

historia loves you dearly; both as a cherished friend and as a lover. it was the same for ymir, but historia had told her that you might defriend them if they confessed. they don’t even know your thoughts on polyamory.

they’d rather keep your friendship then possibly ruining it.

before historia can say a goodbye, you’re slamming the car door and jogging up towards your apartment.

‘this sucks,’ you think again and a loud sob rocks through your body. you’re unlocking the door with shaky hands. you go to swing the door open only for it to bounce back right into your face because the fucking deadlock is on.

you fall onto your ass, fumbling to get onto your feet. out of all the times mikasa, your roommate, wants to have her girlfriend, annie, over, why does it have to be now. you sob as you bang your fist against the front door, yelling for mikasa to let you inside. you’re probably going to get a noise complaint, but you don’t really care.

when there’s no sign of either or mikasa or annie coming to the door, you realize that they must be knocked out. both of them are heavy sleepers and mikasa’s room is furthest from the door, there’s no chance they’re going to wake up.

you slam the door shut and the urge to puke is strong. you’re going to have to go over to historia and ymir’s place. you start crying even harder, starting to tug onto some of the strands of your hair. you sit on the ground against the wall, knees pressed to your chest as your hands cover your eyes again.

this whole day has been shit, starting when you hung out with ymir and historia before your geography class. they were so affectionate with on another and all you could do is watch in want.

you hear the clacking of heels getting closer and you assume it’s historia.

“(name),” it’s historia, “c’mon. i’ll take you back to my house.”

you sniffle and silently get back up onto your feet. your jeans are damp from the rain and the feeling of it sticking to your legs has you cringing. scratch that—your whole body was damp from the rain.

you’ll take a hot shower later, when mikasa isn’t dead asleep along with her girlfriend.

you find out you’re wrong about your previous statement and in 15 minutes, you find yourself undressing in ymir and historia’s bathroom. they told you to get in the shower, shoving a big shirt and underwear you’ve left over at their house into your arms. you know that they’re clean, ymir is forced to do laundry every sunday.

you stand under the shower faucet, silently enjoying the piping hot water falling against your skin. you’re done in a matter of ten minutes, toweling your hair and then brushing it. you gather your wet clothes after you unlock the bathroom door and push it open.

steam rolls out of the room when the door opens and some of it trails behind you as you walk to find ymir. she’s sitting on the couch, munching on a KIND bar and watching the show victorious—it’s her guilty pleasure. she perks up when she sees you though, taking the clothes out of your arms and whisking away towards the washing machine.

you sit down on the couch, slouching lazily. ymir and historia flop down next to you on both sides, little huffs of air falling from their mouths. ymir’s got her arm resting on the couch cushion near your shoulders and historia’s throwing an arm around your waist and snuggling her cheek into your shoulder.

historia opens her mouth, here it comes, “what’s wrong?”

you sigh and throw your head back against ymir’s arm, who just hits her knee against your own.

“i...,” you sigh again, “i can’t tell you.”

ymir rolls her eyes as she lets out a huge huff through her nose. she’s irritated.

“why not? why can’t you tell us? we just wanna help,” her eyebrows furrow when she starts to speak and the hand that isn’t on the couch is motioning to herself and historia.

you start crying again, “you can’t help me with this. and i just can’t tell you.”

historia peeks up at you and her eyebrows are bunched up in concern and confusion.

“why can’t you tell us? please just give us an actual reason, and we’ll back off. all we want to do is help you, so just give us a way that we can. we love you so much, we don’t want to see you upset any longer,” historia’s starting to tear up too, bottom lip sticking out as evidence.

“you guys don’t love me in the same way that i love you,” you sob without thinking, and you reach up to cover your face with your hand. ymir traps it with her own, interlocking her fingers with your’s.

“did... could you repeat that,” historia hiccups, taking ahold of your other hand.

“i love you guys. but not in the same way you love me. i want to kiss you, hold you, and do all that sappy stuff couples do with you guys, but you don’t see me like that,” you look down towards your lap while historia and ymir share a look.

ymir’s lanky hands are grabbing ahold of your cheek’s, thumbs running across your cheekbones then your brow bones. she’s staring at you, a bashful blush on her freckled cheeks.

before you ask what she’s doing, she’s giving you one of the softest kisses you’ve ever had in your entire life. you’re closing your eyes and scrunching up your eyebrows, you don’t want this moment to end.

the two of you stop the kiss when you feel historia climb into your lap, sitting on your thighs. you face towards her, slightly dazed from the amazing kiss you’ve just had with ymir. you briefly wonder if this is what it feels like for historia each time.

historia kisses you too. it’s gentle and a little more persistent as if she were trying to show you that she loves you back. her fingers are tangled with your own, using it to her advantage and gently holding them to the couch cushion.

she pulls away after another second, a light pink spreading across her tear stained face. you’re still dazed, is this real? once you go over everything that’s just happened, you jump.

“oh my god, why’d you two just kiss me?!” you’re freaking out, you’ve just overstepped boundaries, right?!

ymir kisses your cheek and says it bluntly, “we love you too. we’ve wanted to make the relationship a poly for a while... we thought you’d hate us though.”

your jaw drops and you whip your head towards ymir, “HUH?”

“we love you,” historia giggles, she’s rubbing her cheek against your chest now.

“oh.. okay. are you sure?” you hum, a huge and dorky smile coming up on your face after they both nod.

“you look stupid,” ymir snorts, “now can we watch victorious and snuggle?”

“before we do that, why did you try hooking me up with hitch,” you ask with a slight scowl.

“we thought it might help us get over you, but it didn’t work for a lot of reasons. you and hitch are good as friends, but not romance; at least that’s what you told us. and if anything, it just made us jealous and sad,” historia explains, tracing patterns with her finger into your stomach.

“that makes sense, i’m ready to watch victorious,” you pause, “wait, when are you taking me home?” ymir and historia stare at you blankly.

“you’re not going home.”

[five-wow]

Hi, I'm a fellow writer in the fandom and I admire your work. I wanted to ask, as a popular writer, do you get fixated sometimes on the number of kudos/comments/hits etc that your new work gets, and does this impact your motivation/inspiration? I think comparison is the thief of joy, and I really want to get over this feeling when I post my own work, so was wondering if even popular and regular writers such as yourself feel like this to, and if , what's your secret? Thanks!

Hi! 1) You are so sweet, ahh, and 2) YES, I DO. Gosh, yes, I absolutely do get insecure about those kinds of things, and I think that anyone who says they don't ever feel that way is either lying (to themselves, possibly) or maybe just pure magic, like some cross between a writer and a unicorn.

I love ao3 and I love all of its metrics and I love numbers and statistics, but there’s definitely that shadow side where having all of that easily available makes it deceptively easy to compare your own work to other people’s. I do it all the time! It honestly makes it a little hard for me at times to read h50 fic and fully enjoy it, because I keep... looking at it and wondering how my own stacks up against it, unwillingly. That's not a relaxing experience, and sometimes not even a very fun one. (Another part of it is that I just write SO MUCH for h50 and there is SO MUCH I still want to write, and I don’t want to risk reading something that’s very close to an idea I had and then never being quite sure if what I write after that was influenced by the other person’s work or if it’s really still my idea, because I have this (pretty irrational) fear of accidentally stealing someone else’s work even though one of the really great things about fandom is that it’s a very collaborative process as a whole and being inspired by other people’s stuff is usually totally okay, buuuut that’s a different rambly story.)

And I definitely do also get... some cringey feelings, hardcore, around fics I posted that don't do very well numbers-wise. Sometimes it's expected - fic that doesn't follow traditional formats or doesn't feature Steve/Danny, for example, is always something where I KNOW it won't get as much attention because I know how fandom works and that lessens the sting because it doesn't HAVE to hold up to those other fics that perform way better, because I already know it's not really comparable. The truth is, of course, that most fic is not really comparable to other fic, but it’s easy to fall into that trap anyway. If I post something that seems like my average kind of work and it gets less kudos or comments than usual, I do start to doubt the fic and second-guess myself - is something about this weird? Is it too [insert quality x]? Is it bad? Did I unknowingly do something terrible and people are now avoiding me? The answer to all of those is probably no, and going through it a bunch of times has definitely helped, because what usually happens is that I end up somewhat avoiding the fic in question because it makes me a little ashamed and awkward to think about it (a relative failure! oh no! I'm human!) and then, eventually, I return and reread the fic. By that point I have enough distance from it in time that I can look at it a lot more objectively, and it's way easier to see what works and what does not than when I posted it and I had just read it a dozen times in twenty-four hours and the words were burned into my brain. And upon that reread, inevitably, I realize that, holy shit, it was NOT AS BAD as I had made it out to be in my mind! It’s actually kind of fun! Imagine the ego boost of realizing your most cringy recent work is actually pretty okay, haha, and it's silly, but it's a revelation every time. The quality of a fic is not dictated by how many people read it or comment on it or like it, and intellectually I absolutely know that, but it’s hard to remember when it’s about yourself and you’re still in that emotionally vulnerable place of having just shared your work with the world and it feels like the world is not as into it as you thought (or hoped) it’d be. It’s honestly very, very reassuring to have those experiences to fall back on, but sadly the only way I know to get there is to just tough it out and feel super awkward for a while.

When I’m writing, on the other hand, I usually don’t really think about what other people might think of it. I have the advantage that (pretty much) all of my work consists of fairly short stand alone stories, which means I don’t have to struggle with keeping my motivation up for a second chapter of something but I get to start fresh every time, and that’s nice, because I can just lose myself in the joy of throwing words around and making characters do things that make me giggle. That’s not to say I never think of the outside world while writing - I realized, pretty recently, that I occasionally end up constructing paragraphs or pieces of dialogue a certain way mostly so it will make for a good excerpt to put in the eventual fic description, which might give me a sense of accomplishment because it’s nice when things work out and look good, but in all fairness it’s probably far more motivated by attempts to package the finished work attractively so other people will want to click on it than by anything else. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I don’t think so - I don’t feel like it lessens my work and it doesn’t interrupt my enjoyment of it in the moment, which are the key elements for me - but other people might disagree.

But the heart of thing is, just, there are SO MANY factors that influence a fic’s numbers, and not all of them are visible (I’d argue most of them aren’t, in fact), and it always helps me to keep that in mind. It puts things in perspective somewhat and softens the harshness of a black and white kudo count judgment. Numbers can depend on when you post a fic (what day of the week, time of the year, time relative to big fandom moments, whether you’re in the middle of a global pandemic or not), how you pick your title, what you put in the description, how you use the tags, what genres or tropes are popular in your specific fandom, the genre of your fic in general (pwp as a rule tends to get lots of hits and few kudos or comments, for example, making it totally unfair to compare it to G-reated fluff fic with super different ratios), how much you’ve posted before (because if someone likes one of your works, they’re often likely to check if you have more in the same fandom), how many fics other people post around the same time (because yours might be gone from the first page of most recently updated works in a fandom or ship tag very quickly if others push it out), how big your fandom is(!!!) (over two thirds of my works on ao3 are for h50, but h50 only makes it into the top 10 of my most kudo’d works by the skin of its teeth) and definitely also what your fandom’s culture is like (compared to a lot of other fandoms, h50 fans are a-ma-zing when it comes to leaving comments, my gosh, and as a writer I adore all of you), how old your ao3 account is (the longer you’ve been around, the more likely a higher number of people is subscribed to you as an author or has read your previous work or has encountered your name, etc), how long your fic is (under a thousand words in my experience generally does less well than 1-5k, but longer fics might end up with lots of chapters which switches things up because people come back to it when there’s an update, and even if a long work is all in one chapter it will probably stand out for the wordcount and might attract attention that way, etc), whether or not your fic is part of a series (in my experience it will probably get more hits because it’s a chain of fics that leads you to the next one, but the kudos might not go up at the same rate because people might forget a kudo or reread previous works when a new one is added), whether you make a habit of commenting on other people’s fic (I’ve had comments saying MY comment on their work led them to my fic!), if you have social media like Tumblr or Twitter where you can promote your work (it’s advertising, basically), and any of a bunch of random little other factors. Sometimes, I see a sudden little cluster of kudos on an old fic in the daily ao3 kudos email, and I assume someone somewhere maybe recced that fic, but it usually remains a total mystery who or where or even if it happened at all and wasn’t just a weird coincidence to begin with. Sometimes the thing a fic’s popularity depends on is really just whether it clicks with people at that point in time, whatever that means, which is an even more impossible thing to grasp or predict than anything else.

Or you can look at things from a totally different angle and not try to make yourself care less about numbers, but just accept that you do because you’re human and we all crave validation, and instead try to roll with that. A brain hack: when I do start getting down about numbers, it also helps me to focus on one work and just... try to visualise what those kudo (or hit or bookmark or comment) counts mean, if you were to translate them to the real world. While it can be super helpful to remember that there’s a LOT going on that you can’t see and that’s virtually impossible to really explain, it’s also nice to somewhat do the opposite and try to make things as concrete as possible instead. I like measuring in school classes (~25-30 heads, I’d say) and “my fic only has fifty kudos but this other person’s has ten times as many” could easily make anyone sad and demotivated, but “my fic has fifty kudos and that’s TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS packed full of people that all read my work and liked it so much they wanted to give me a little thumbs up for it” is actually pretty cool and encouraging, I think. Or you could measure in sports teams (I don’t know sports, but soccer has 11 players on the field per team, so as soon as your fic has 33 kudos that’s three teams which means you’ve got yourself a little beginning league! how exciting!) or in DnD campaigns (variable of course, but most of mine have had around four players plus a DM, so if you have twenty kudos? that’s FOUR WHOLE DnD campaigns that enjoyed reading your fic, and it’s fully up to you how many half-orcs that includes). You could apply this method using literally any other measurement that works for you, too. If you have a hard time painting a mental image of numbers, you could even open up a Paint doc or get a piece of paper and start counting out little dots or copy-pasted images of a person, or get a big bag of physically present M&Ms and count them out, or take a good look at your dog and then go around the neighborhood and collect forty-nine more dogs and pile them all into your home and be slightly frightened by the utter delighted fluffy chaos that ensues in your living room. That’s how many people liked your fic! That’s a heck of a lot of wagging tails! Who knew a kudo could bark this loudly!

Disclaimer: maybe keep the dog thing as your very last resort, because your neighbors might not be super into their pet getting dognapped for the purpose of visualizing fanfiction stats. The point is really just to remember that there’s an actual person behind every kudo you get, no matter what the cumulative number is, and even if you have seven or five or three kudos, that’s seven or five or three very real people that hit that button. That’s pretty damn awesome. Also keep in mind how you feel if you read a fic, and take some time to realize that every single person that left you a kudo went through that same process of spending time reading words (the words you wrote!) and experiencing that story and THAT’S why they left that kudo. It’s a real person’s real investment.

This ended up very long and rambly, so tl;dr: You are in no way alone in feeling that way, it's okay and normal and so very very human to feel like that, but you still shouldn't let it get you down, because numbers fake being meaningful very well but are deep down just little squiggles on your screen and they’re more scared of you than you are of them, while at the same time there are real individuals that enjoy your work even if you usually never see them. Your fic is worth posting. That’s the one factor in all of this that’s a constant, not a variable.

(And as a very important sidenote, just be kind to yourself, always. Does it truly stress you out? Are you feeling really bad about it today? Does it make your anxiety spike? Then give yourself room to take a little step back and allow yourself some time away from it. Go watch something you enjoy, or read something nice, or do something else that makes you feel good. Fic is something that should add to your life, not subtract from it. You don’t owe anyone anything, not even yourself in this context, and I used to push myself occasionally to get something finished TODAY, and eventually I started realizing, well, why? Why not instead of reading it over again just get some sleep or watch an episode of something I want to watch, especially if I literally just finished the fic and I feel a little unsure about it and it might actually be beneficial to me and my own feelings about it if I just give it a day or even a week and let it rest and then look at it again and THEN post it, if I want to, whether that’s with some changes beforehand or not? Who set me that deadline that’s apparently looming over me? I did, and it’s fake, and it’s there for absolutely no good reason. Breathe. Put yourself first. Be really really really selfish about your own fic writing experience, even, because it’s supposed to be something you enjoy (that’s what a hobby is!), and the rest is secondary.)

[nazyalenskygranger]

I’m back, b*tches

This is basically a Zoyalai high school AU, which can also serve as a King of Scars retelling. Everybody kept ignoring me, so I had to write it myself. Forgive me for any writing, spelling or plot mistakes.

“Ugh. I’m pretty sure I just failed that pop quiz,” Nikolai complained while they were heading to Biology. Great, two months ago, she would have enjoyed Biology, but the new teacher was by all accounts an idiot and the place reawakened memories. She forced those thoughts away and flashed Nikolai an amused smile and said,” I told you to pay attention in class. Although, it was really not worth the effort.” With a quirk of her mouth, she added, “For me, at least.” 

“You’re not helping at all,” he huffed.

She gave him one of her rare laughs, that she knew he treasured, and retorted,” I wasn’t trying to be helpful.

It was his turn to laugh as he teased,” When are you ever.”

They entered the Anatomy Lab together and took a seat behind Genya and David, who seemed to have an intense, if one-sided, conversation about the best way to manufacture silk. Genya promptly turned around and greeted them. “Hey, Genya,” Zoya said. Genya nudged David rater sharply and he muttered a small “hi” without looking up. Nikolai greeted them both before smirking and saying, “Good to see you too, David.” Zoya greeted David, who ignored her in return, and snapped her attention to her notes, to review whatever useless stuff they had done on Friday. Saints, she hated Mondays. Especially in this class. Normally she wouldn’t mind, but their new substitute teachers were annoying to a horrifying extent. Substitute teachers were already known to be stupid, but this one ( she had forgotten her name since he wasn’t worth her time) was a special kind of stupid. His lessons consisted of him rambling about his pets, the disgustingly boring stuff he does, and reading from a High School Psychology book in a pretentious manner, and mispronouncing every third word. And also, a quiz on his pets every Monday. Sometimes Zoya wondered if their old professor paid him to be stupid so that their board of administrators reconsidered their decision to fire him, but that would never happen. Not on her watch at least. Besides former Professor Morozova turned serial killer was in prison, and he wouldn’t be getting out soon. Even though Zoya knew that their sub was better than that psychotic lunatic, who liked to explain the vital organs to college kids in his free time, that didn’t mean that she didn’t feel the urge to strangle him if he pronounced environment wrong one more time. At least this one was better than the last one, who apparently thought they were in kindergarten because they had made rainbow slime, named the eleven planets and participated in ridiculous pop quizzes about Disney movies. Nikolai had found it funny, “Just think about the easy A, Nazyalensky.” Zoya had not. Their finals were not written by their subs, and Zoya would not get an easy A on that. She had long since resorted to checking out biology books from the library and teaching herself, but she didn’t want her grade to suffer, so she had to pay attention to his pets. “Did you actually write down all that stuff he blabbered about his pets?” 

“Yup. Every mispronounced word he muttered in class. Including their hobbies.”

He laughed and said, “I have them memorized.” He added a smirk that he didn’t care for at all.

“Wow, Nikolai. You memorized the names of our substitute’s pets. This will surely get you into Harvard,” she sarcastically replied.

Nikolai just laughed and watched the door, as the bell rang and the rest of the students began to fill in. David was a complete nerd and was always early, and since Genya and David never got separated, Genya was early as well. Zoya liked to be early, so she could chat with Genya or catch up on some last-minute studying, as she was doing now. Nikolai just tagged along with her. At first, she found it annoying, now, not so much. Genya had moved out of her dorm room to live with David, and Nikolai had come to move in with her. Zoya found she didn’t mind that much. Zoya would never admit this out loud, but Nikolai was a robotics genius. This meant that he didn’t mind helping her, but also meant that their shared dorm room was always a bit messy from his many experiments. She turned the page in her notebook and began reviewing what Louisa the parrot liked to eat. She was just reading about Louisa’s favorite type of mango when Nikolai leaned over her shoulder to read with her. Zoya could feel his breath against her neck and repressed an unwelcome shiver.

“I thought you memorized it all.”

“It won’t hurt to review Louisa’s favorite brand of shampoo,” he replied.

She was about to reply when the intercom rang and a familiar, cool, smooth-as-glass voice proclaimed,” I’m back! Did you miss me?” Zoya whirled around to face the intercom so fast, she hit Nikolai with her hair. She stared at the speaker in horror and saw Genya grip her chair out of the corner of her eye. The voice continued nonchalantly as if it didn’t belong to a serial killer, “For those of you who don’t know, I’m Professor Alexander Morozova and I will be resuming my teaching right away.” The intercom buzzed to signify the end of the announcement and hell broke loose in the classroom. Everyone was talking over everybody else and Marie had started crying hysterically. Zoya tried to keep the panic from clouding her help and turned to Genya, who looked severely shaken. “You ok?” she asked. Genya looked at Zoya for a moment before replying,” Yeah. I think so. At least I’m going to be.” Zoya studied her friend, she still looked shaken, but otherwise fine. Her lip was trembling though. David put his arm on her shoulder ina sympathetic manner and Genya smiled at him. Zoya turned to Nikolai, who looked like he saw a ghost. Before she could say or do anything else, the door burst open and Zoya whirled around again. In the doorway, stood no other than Professor Morozova himself, looking as impeccable as always, aside from the faint line of scars that ran across his face, courtesy of Alina Starkov. The room immediately quieted down and settling in uncomfortable silence as everybody stared at the door expectantly. Even Marie stopped crying. Professor Morozova smirked at her, his gaze snaking down her figure. She repressed an unwelcome shiver of disgust and glanced at Genya. She had paled extensively, staring at their former Professor turned psychotic lunatic. Over the semester, Zoya had found herself getting closer to Genya, now, she considered Genya her best friend. Aside from Nikolai maybe. Ultimately, Genya’s fear was what drove her to act. She stood up and said, with as much venom as she could muster, which is a lot,” What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be rotting in Alcatraz?” The Darkling, which is his serial killer persona, dared to look mildly amused. His lips quirked into a frustrating smirk as he said,” I got released early.” Before he could continue, she spat, “Why the hell would they release a psychotic serial killer with a disgustingly cringy name whose free-time pleasures consist of torturing innocent women?” The Darkling just laughed and replied, “Why don’t you just ask them? Now, your substitute is going to teach you for today, but starting with tomorrow, you will get the pleasure of enjoying my teaching skills once again.” And with that, he left as if it were easy. The class erupted into turmoil once again, as the sub opened up his Middle School history book and started droning on about the American Revolution. Nobody was paying him any attention. At least, he had forgotten all about the pop quiz. Zoya willed herself to sit and even her breathing. She pressed his hands to her head trying to refrain from panicking. She felt Nikolai wrap his arm around her and whispering soothingly to her. Zoya calmed down at looked at Nikolai. “We need a plan. Nikolai smirked at her and said, “Already have one.”

This will probably get a sequel? Idk, I’ll tag it high school au.

[marculees]

Omg something happened today and even though it was really actually nothing, it was SOMETHING to me, okay??!? gonna ramble in bulletpoints now since tags aren’t showing on mobile??? nobody is gonna read this but I’ll laugh at it later hahaha prepare for either uwu overload or a cringe compilation

So there are quite a few cute boys in my business class, okay?

There’s around 450-500 of us in one room at a time so its hard to really talk or get to know anyone there since you never see them again lol

And I’m lowkey alone because all my friends are in other classes but its okay, it means I focus more and that shit be hard af anyway

Getting sidetracked now dsjklvgdjgl sorry

SO ANYWAYS in case yous didn’t already know, I’m s h y and s c a r e d to even look at boys without panicking ahaha

But today I was waiting outside the class like usual

I put my phone and notepad away where I’d been getting a headstart on an end term assignment because yeah I’m trying to be a good student pls praise me thank you jk jk

And I look up and there are two cute boys standing directly across the room from me also waiting, nothing new

Except one of them makes direct eye contact with me

And I’m just like fuuuuuuuck

He disappears into the bathroom all of a sudden?? Then he comes out a few minutes later and starts chatting with a bigger group of his lad friends

Because I’m creepy, I keep glancing over at him every few minutes and suddenly recognise one of his friends

It was a boy who took notes next to me in a lecture on Thursday last week who also seemed really sweet sdkljvgdkjvg

And because of the way our seats were, when all his friends came in thy had to scoot past us

So cut to this morning and I’m guessing that he maybe recognised me since we were in the same row last week??? We never talked because there were like six of them and a girl in between us (who I had no problem speaking to obviously) and I didn’t get to see their faces because they’re all tall and I only seen their tiddies or shoulders when they went past me lmao

GETTING SIDETRACKED AGAIN YAY okay okay

So the lecture hall has emptied now and we all start going in and I’m like creepily drifting over to follow these boys inside

But I’m like no bitch thats weird so I go in the opposite side and sit down in a middle row

And those boys just happen to sit in the same row but to the left side rather than the middle so there’s still a good bit of distance between us

I’m thinking oh what a cool coincidence thats cute

And again I’m creepy and pretend I’m looking around to spot a ‘friend’ but actually I’m just stealing looks over at this cute boy who’s all smiley and soft in his grey jumper uwu

And I shit you not

In the space of five minutes before the lecture began

We made eye contact again

THREE TIMES.

At this point, I’m smiling and giggling even more than earlier waiting outside, at my phone like a fucking child texting my kpopsistar about the whole thing and freaking out

I am aware that this is basically nothing to really get excited about but I can’t help it, I’m a mess

And like I sometimes even struggle to make eye contact with friends because I feel like its something so special and magical that you can’t force but just naturally happens and then its like you both forget anyone else is in the room and its just sjkadglkjdgkgdfj  I’m weak *-*

This boy have the loveliest blue eyes and usually I don’t care too much about blue since I have them and therefore think they’re boring

But they were so nice ;-;

And because he sat in the aisle seat, I didn’t have to try peek past any of his giant friends to catch him again

I want to try start a conversation with him or one of the friends anyway since they are actually in both of my business classes this semester

So whatever happens, I could make a friend anyway :)

But I am a fucking baby and blushed even just telling my friends later, only made worse by them all calling me cute and then making me hide my face in my hands and wanting to disappear T-T

I have only ONE class tomorrow and its the exact same one, same room and everything so idk

I MIGHT do something cringey and stupid

Other than smiling and giggling to myself already dskjlgvdjkvgdkjsf

Idk what to do though because its creepy to just go up to him like hello :))))))

You just don’t do that in college, its weird haha

Even if I fuck up tomorrow, there is always Thursday’s double class which might actually be easier since that lecturer is sound and gives you a break and asks you to discuss shit with the people next to you

This accounting woman tomorrow though is like....just no. Then again, how can you make accounting and economics fun?

Maybe by having a new boyfriend I’M JOKING I’M JOKING i’m not that crazy

But it is something I would really like this year :(

Nothing will happen now, just watch lol

But coming back to read this might make me laugh so

We’ll just have to see~

ahaha get it? see because we kept looking at each other okay i’m gonna leave now haha

fml

If you read this, you’re a star

Thank you for enduring my cringiness <3

[cinnamonghost]

ayooo usagi, your story-writing post popped up on the IZ tag-- really cool that you're giving writing a shot without having seen/read other stuff! i'm sure it'll be a cool and new take! i'm just so curious about your experience of having florpus be your more formal intro into the fandom; what vibed with you about the movie? (i've been on the IZ train for two decades so my brain is mush and i cant even imagine at this point)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK! this really means alot to me :) i never get asks or anything so this was really a surprise seeing this!!!

Its actually funny, i cant remember ANYTHING from the movie. I have literally only watched it once and that was like 6 months ago. Im not exactly sure WHY i even enjoyed it so much, from what i remember i thought the movie was weird and too loud for me (and kind of obnoxious sometimes) but then again i was experiencing it with my uncle so it must've lowered that a bit.

I've known invader zim ever since it aired on Nickelodeon i think? i use to sometimes watch it when it would air? I dont actually remember. sadly i cant remember what i ever thought of the show nor remember any episodes. i think i was like 'oh invader zim is on? i guess ill watch it' Then again I was also a child watching the show. Aside from the airings only a few years ago i would SOMETIMES watch it when eating dinner (specifically from hulu) I was never into it and i just thought it was something to watch while eating food.

When the movie got announced in 2017 i remember being excited for it? i vaugely remember saying how cool it is and how i loved the artstyle. And how i would LOVE to watch it when it comes out. I never really thought of anything else of it, i just thought itd be fun to watch with someone. It took like until 2020 to FINALLY watch it. The only reason i watched it was because according to my uncle it was pretty good (and my brother as well) I wouldnt even bothered watching the movie if it wasnt because my uncle was watching it with me.

When watching it i didnt recognize some characters... Its actually funny, i didnt even know who minimoose was and I was so confused who he was when watching the movie since i didnt recognize him from the show ( appenretly i only watched a few episodes of the first season?) But then again that didnt bother me at all, i just though it was a movie to watch with someone.

I Thought the movie was...whatever? it was a cool movie to watch with someone and i didnt really think anything else from it. The only reason I actually bothered looking at the invader zim fandom was because zadr.

When watching the movie i would always joke about ZIM X DIB!!!! WOWWWW THEY R MARRIED!!!! (sad i know) and (SADLY) after the movie finished i looked up zim x dib amv and videos to watch with my uncle and would laugh about it. I cant rmemeber any of the amv's i watched but i do rmember an inimoose drawing being in one of them and clearly rmember my uncle saying "why is he so tall????" <<talking about dib; specifically the one where zim is being pinned by dib from a locker<< and i just remember thinking the art being weird since dib looked like an anime boy. I would also look up other "zim x dib" stuff becuase i just wanted to be "cringy" with my uncle since i thought that was really funny. (spoilers: it wasn't)

when looking up amvs i was really confused about what the ship name was. I would always think "what is the ship name spelled???? it cant be zib or dim" that had actually kept me up at night until i looked it up a day or two after watching the movie. i just remember it finding out it was called "zadr" and literally the first thing i did with that information was look it up on tumblr.

On 2020 November 1st (or 2nd?) the fire nation attacked. When seeing it in the tags i was SO surprised by how many posts their were in the tags. i actually ended up scrolling for like. 30 minutes. after scrolling all i thought was "wowww this ship is actually pretty cool :)" And the first thing i reblogged that was invader zim was art by coconut...something? im so sorry i forgot their name. (it was also zadr)

The second one i ever reblogged was by bamsara, that fireworks comic. i thought it was SO CUTE and they where actually the first invader zim artist i actually followed. After finding about that comic and his other art from the zadr tags i was really interested in his au! So i actually looked up zadr in their blogged and was basically bombarded with a BUNCH of content. So in like one day, i learned about ALOT of their au and i loved it alot honestly. After a few days i actually read their fanfic and binged the whole series up to that day and i loved it SO MUCH; its so good.

It was actually because of bamsara i read and even like zadr or invader zim, im really thankful for his content :) I would just. stalk the zadr tags on tumblr and after reading bamsara series i started reading fanfictions from ao3. Actually aside from bamsara one of the first fanfics i read was from hamletmustdie because that comic someone made comic of their prom fic. (found out about it from stalking the tags, or if bamsara reblogged it? i dont remember)

Then after reading hamletmustdie's fic i binge read all their zadr fics as well.... i love reading them- they honestly inspire me greatly for even writing.

Because of hamletmustdie and bamsara i kind of just im the fandom i guess? And becuase of their works in the fandom i kind of know about things. I still dont really know anything about the comics and the show, but i have been VERY VERY slowly watching it again (Originally i thought zib was some fan chatacter). I find the comedy pretty funny now and i think i would now actually enjoy the movie :)

hahaah sorry for rambling!!! im glad you enjoy my fic :D im nearly done with the second chapter!!! It means alot to me that people look forward to see what would happen; i still feel very nervous about writing since this was my first experience ever- but none the less im glad people enjoy it :)

I know you didnt ask about this but im also inspired the story from the Resisty AU story's like hamletmustdie's fic and andystarr's fic respectively :)

TD;LR - i thought the movie was pretty alright? its not really like i didnt enjoy it but more like the fandom was the one that kind of made my brain rot instead of the movie.(in summary its all zadr's fault)

[ohsweetjoy]

εὐχαριστέω

Milestones to not be forgotten. Giving thanks often through the rough. Ramblings as I hope not to have these last six months be a blur.  I write with a heavy and light heart all at once. It is just past midnight and often my only reprieve for reflection despite the occasional moment while feeding without the distraction of my phone or some other consuming thought like what is for dinner or how to organize the nonexistent pantry.

Babies do grow up fast. I don’t think I am missing the moments but I am also highly distracted and pulled every other direction. Besides trying to keep the house organized and meal plan so we don’t eat burgers and pizza every week – wait we are… I blame covid – working to help Isaac in the best way possible and also remembering to put Waverly on her tummy. At 6 months and 16 days… no rolling yet, but quite close to doing it all on her own.. She can roll to her sides while on her back and sometimes on to her tummy but her arm gets stuck. She has learned to sit without the boppy or blankets supporting her just the days before Halloween. When she is tired she will fall over more, or as I have noticed her face look thinner, she must of grown taller the other day as she was toppling over a lot. Milestones milestones.. I don’t know if I am keeping track, so I am writing this as an addition to all the photos I share. Some words to go a long and hopefully they don’t get lost. She got her first two bottom teeth around 3 and a half months. And today I see the white line of her top left tooth which is why she never let me leave her last night. She doesn’t sleep without me and its been a struggle to accept this reality that I will be getting her to nap three times a day and every night with me and mostly only me. Thankfully she can sleep well in the car and I have mastered the art of running the air in the car just right if I stop at a stop light or even a quick porch pick up for things. I drive around Lacamas Lake often or some other back road. It has been nice to see the colors change compared to the smoke that ensued our air. There are days where the water is glass and I see the reflections of the trees and also the fancy homes overlooking the water.

Scotts been working at home in a small not so small place. His desk was originally going to be a changing table. There has been lots of stuff pushing around from organizing the garage to our room to the living room to the garage again, to our closet, to our dining room, and the garage again.. what a blessing it is to have a garage full of stuff.. is it junk.. am I saving this all for a rainy day… its raining now. Trying to be more minimalistic but its quite difficult. And any toy that catches the kiddos interest I find cheap or free… too many toys. Waverly watches Isaac often. She loves him so much. She giggles when I sing silly songs and when I blow raspberries on her face and when I brush my teeth.

She notices the smallest things like on a toy she finds the tag and promptly puts it in her mouth. Even other thing like a stuffed animal has a heart on it and she can see it and explore it with her fingers. She will do the scratching motion often. She will watch her hands and wave them at herself moving her wrist. She is still moving all her fingers at once but sometimes just her pointer finger. When she is hungry she pats her hand on her leg or something. When she is nursing sometimes she wants to play with my shirt or even other toy which can become distracting as she will end up putting the toy in her mouth instead of playing.

We have resorted to letting her watch some baby Einstein or her brother’s favorite the Grinch (new cartoon version). It allows me to get some things done like making Isaac’s meals or eating a meal myself. I’ve been busy with zoom meetings for Isaacs schools and therapies and I even quit some of his therapies for now because I just can’t keep up.

We quit the Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) therapy he was in and the preschools. We tried remote preschool which did not work for Isaac at all and we tried another preschool we paid for but they aren’t designed to support his needs so I was sending my caregiver with him but she isn’t trained as a Para educator so it really wasn’t the best fit. We finally have a good place for him and I hope for the best. I hope it’s not too good to be true and I am also praying that there isn’t another lock down / stay at home. I never thought I would be fighting for inclusion this early. Isaac is going to a gen ed preschool with EOCF and the school district will be sending a teacher or an aid for special needs to support him and possibly other students there.  Isaac will have support of school district physical, speech, and occupation therapy – which I am opting for more email pointers and not more zoom meetings. A zoom meeting with Waverly in the background is chaotic. We are also looking into in home ABA which has led to more zoom meetings but I think it will be helpful to help bring some of the things Isaac was learning home. More often he won’t use the sign or skill that he was doing at therapy at home, but he would at my parents’ house or somewhere else. We are hoping to get his communication more consistent whether it is verbal words or signs or even picture cards.

Isaac seems much happier at school (EOCF) and has been laughing more and has other sounds. I really try and focus to have positive perspectives and to listen to him. We had an ABA zoom meeting and the analyst was asking if Isaac was having a temper tantrum and I honestly never look at his grumblings in that light.. like he was but it was short lived and since his words or minimal I have trained to kinda guess what he would be saying.. and think that maybe if he could say these things he wouldn’t be yelling or grumbling as he was.

I would love to live in a different house with a bigger kitchen and an actual pantry. I have turned our coat closet into a pantry. Found some pantry moths a week or so ago and around the same time our sink backed up when the washer would drain. It was pretty gross and it left us with some piles of dishes. We often joke that we are going to set the kitchen on fire. Counter space gets limited and my oven temp isn’t accurate. My fridge freezes. All this things are first world problems.. It is always interesting to try to battle the perspectives from what I might what or desire or what do I complain about. I was going around the house praying that this place continues to be a blessing despite all its issues. This is a place that gave us some freedom from my parents, which was a needed separation. A blessing of nice neighbors mostly despite the note I got from the “hearthwood gang” (definitely some teen/early collage age girl’s handwriting).

On my walls I put reminders up of having a proper perspective. It is trendy to put up what you’re thankful for on social media during this November. Being thankful shouldn’t just be the month of November.. It should be every day. Daily thanksgiving. Eucharisteo. It is hard in a world where many are entitled and even more so with what media pushes. Thanking God for his gifts is something I am continually taught especially in this strange year..

2020 is a hard year for many. I hate covid and I hate masks. At least less people think I am crazy for having a home birth. This place where I birthed Waverly, in the bathroom of all places and six months later, is it all a blur? Sometimes it feels that way. Other times I could give a moment play by play perhaps even the most cringy first days of learning to feed her and being over tired. My brain soaks things in and I don’t forget things often---except where I put my phone 5 minutes ago. Pursuing clarity of mind between postpartum sleeplessness and pain from birthing and from nursing is quite difficult and then seeing the depth of grief arising that I never expected. To be experiencing the newborn stage with Waverly and to be grieving that I never had that with Isaac – or that I had it for so long in a very different way..

I don’t have the grief others have. I am blessed to have both my babies and I pray for their health and safety often. My mind is the worst and I blame the television shows I watched as a child.

This year has faded down to the holidays and I think it was the most intentional year yet in some ways. I have made it a point to see at least one person a week if not more. Seeing others and having play dates and walks has been vital to staying sane. I am not sure what I would have done without the different friends I have come to know. I miss the ones I rarely see and even the ones I have lost. Seasons of friendships and groups have become a reality with differing perspectives and I struggle to understand sometimes. I know God has a reason in it all and I try to hear him in the leading. I have learned the hard way of not reaching out so perhaps I might do it too much. I try and give space but other times I think that if they are brought to my mind, it is for a reason. I took to the fb Christian mom group and found some good advice that gave peace for my lost friendships – “God brings people into our lives. Some only for a season and a reason. So give her to God and let go. I know it is hard to say bye to friendships but a real friend would respond. So again the season of you and her being friends seems to be over. Something better could be waiting for you but you just need to let go and be able to receive the something better. If your hands are full you cannot receive anything.” “You deserve friends who are just as excited to connect with you as you are with them!” “You should know your worth, you need friends who love you and want YOU for you! It’s hard. But sometimes God closes doors to open up new ones.”

This is also encouraging as God has brought many new friends into my life these past two years. Some friendships I have now are in similar seasons with young kiddos and others with no kiddos and others much older than I am and I am blessed to be learning from all these different women. 

In these last six months I have had many people help us and I am so grateful. Watching Waverly grow is amazing and shocking. There are things she is doing that Isaac didn’t do until last year.. I strive not to compare but it is inevitable especially as I will begin to let her try some foods soon. She stares as me when I eat and copies mouth movements when she sees Scott eat. There has been a time or two where I look for a tube on her belly like something is missing. We have a love hate relationship with Isaac’s tube. It’s a blessing but it is tough. I am glad Isaac eats purees orally and now he can be around other kids eating twice at school and then eventually at home with his sister. I really need a meal plan for us so I can prep and cook dinner quicker and we can all eat together at the table. Right now its rounds where Isaac eats, then I make dinner and eat, and then Scott puts Isaac to bed and then he eats.

No real end to this rambling of thoughts and jotting down of milestones. I soon need to sort through the 50 gigs of photos and videos I have on my phone before I end up needed to pay for more cloud storage. What will it be like for the kiddos to see photos of themselves, so many, almost a daily picture. Well I have written what would be two pictures. Perhaps I will find some photos I like from these last weeks..

Don’t forget, Eucharisteo. Give thanks to God in all things – see His grace for you, his gift to you, and find His joy. Eucharisteo in mind has kept me whole in broken many moments and helps my hearts cry to choose joy.  

[evenstevensranked]

#36: Season 3, Episode 16: “Beans On The Brain”

Louis goes on a date with Beans’ cousin Chris (Loretta from Pixel Perfect) but there’s just onnnne slight problem. Elsewhere, Donnie channels his inner beauty guru while recovering from a football injury.

This one opens with Louis walking on the ceiling in these special electric suction boots that are yet another insane invention of his. When I was kid I was like “OMG! HOW IS HE REALLY WALKING ON THE CEILING LIKE THAT?!?!” But, now the illusion is shattered and I clearly see that he’s just walking on the floor in a room designed to look like the living room upside-down. It’s kinda funny when you flip it:

It’s also obvious that his pants and shirt are pinned up.

Beans comes popping up out of nowhere as per usual, and what does he do? He takes the remote control for the boots and turns it off, causing Louis to fall. HE LITERALLY COULD’VE SNAPPED HIS NECK AND DIED! Beans is the actual worst. He apologizes saying “It was an accident” and Louis claps back with “You're the accident, Beans!" …and I mean, have truer words ever been spoken? I don’t think so.

Louis, Twitty and Tom are too preoccupied with forcing Beans out of the house, that they don’t properly listen when Beans tries to tell them his cousin Chris is in town. They automatically think “THERE ARE MORE OF YOU?!” which is truly a nightmare-inducing thought. But, *cue the sexy saxophone music* as soon as they see that Chris is actually a cute blonde chick casually blowing bubbles outside with a dumb smile on her face akin to those stock photos of women eating salads, everything changes.

Okay first of all, what was the costume department thinking when they put her in that god awful skirt in front of a wall of greenery/flowers made up of similar colors? Her bottom half just blends in. Ya gotta go solid colors all the way for stuff like this! Come on, now. Second of all, this scene clearly dispels any speculation of whether or not they filmed inside of the house they use for exterior shots. I already knew this, but the interior was in fact a set. This is a little annoying continuity-wise because there is no wall of greenery right outside the front door of the actual house like that. THIS BOTHERS MEEEEEEE! Oh well.

Cut to the subplot. Ren, Ruby, and Monique are hanging out in Ren’s room and sniffing a jar of clay mask gunk… as friends do? (I don’t think friends do this.) Donnie walks by hobbling with a cane and broken foot all moody and depressed, when he starts giving them beauty tips? Okay??? Later, they find out that he has an entire “treasure trove” of beauty products. Okay, we knew Donnie was into himself… but this is a new level. I actually like the way they sorta broke down some gender stereotypes with this character? The big football jock and ladies man, who happens to have a passion for cosmetology. Who knew?! (And this isn’t the first/only time we’ve seen this side of him.) He puts some face moisturizer on the girls and explains that the itch they feel is a “rejuvenating minty tingle.” Yo, I clearly remember being on vacation in Florida when I was, like.. 11. My cousin and I put some pore cleanser stuff on our faces, and I literally said the cleanser gives a “rejuvenating minty tingle” wow. I totally did not realize I learned that from Donnie. When questioned, he refuses to tell them how he hurt his leg and insists that the only topic of conversation he’ll tolerate is “HAIR, SKIN, AND NAILS!” Nick Spano’s voice chanting this has been stuck in my head since 2002.

Um, why does Donnie have a curling iron? His hair is too short, lol.

Louis, Twitty, and Tom are now desperately trying to get back in Beans’ good graces just to hang out with Chris. Ah, and here is where we get more of Louis being a terrible friend by using and manipulating people for his own personal gain. (Even if Beans is the worst... he’s still just a kid who looks up to Louis.) This is a lil creepy, though. It’s 3 guys all wanting to go after the same girl at once. It’s like the 5 members of One Direction singing “What Makes You Beautiful” to one woman. Pretty awkward when you think about it. After buttering Beans up by feeding him crap lines like “There’s a whole in my heart where you used to be” and Tom writing him a ridiculous poem titled “Where art thou, Beansie?” -- Beans eventually decides to let only one of the guys meet her. And thank god, actually. Imagine if they all crowded her? I’d feel so uncomfortable in that situation. In order to determine who the lucky guy is, Beans makes them soak in a cold tub for 3 hours and then pick whoever has the pruniest hands. Are you kidding me? What goes on in this child’s mind? Not only that, I’m pretty sure Chris isn’t worth getting sick over. Seriously, I never really thought she was ~all that.~

Something else that bothers me is that Beans says their hands are “all equally pruny” -- But Twitty’s hands are clearly the pruniest. Ew. 

Louis sneakily makes a deal with Beans and agrees to take him on a boat ride as long as Chris tags along. So Louis decides to take them on a gondola ride. "If ya gotta go... go gondola, ya know?" is his reasoning. And this marks the slightly cringy, slightly entertaining arrival of Romantic Louis. And boy is it something to behold. This side of the character is one of my favorite aspects of the series. Probably because I had a massive crush on Shia growing up, but that’s beside the point. It’s honestly just really comical and awkwardly endearing. 

Anyway, he immediately starts trying to persuade Beans into not riding the gondola with them, to the point where he literally just leaves Beans alone on shore and runs off to be with Chris. Wow, Louis.

Also, um.. WHY IS CHRIS WAITING FOR A FLOOD IN THOSE PANTS?! Honestly, who dressed this poor girl?! Those are either total floods or the ugliest pair of capris I’ve ever seen. And what even are those socks?! And those red Keds? Omg. 

While on the gondola, Louis decides to play “Who can spot the nastiest garbage in the water" -- Not the most romantic activity for a first date, but this just reminds you it’s Louis Stevens we’re talking about here. Some corny, upbeat, ~emotional~ acoustic guitar kicks in to accompany this absurd garbage game, because that makes sense. One of the objects he retrieves from the water is a freaking dirty toilet seat!!! When I was a kid I distinctly remember cracking up at this, lol wow. (Mainly because we get a great Louis Scream) But, immediately after touching the seat.. he starts feeding Chris cheese puffs!!! WHAT THE HECK?! He better’ve whipped out some Purell or a Wet-Nap real quick because otherwise… thanks, but no thanks. 

Now Louis really starts to put the moves on Chris, omg. He asks if he can put his arm around her.. and then he asks if he can kiss her. Jesussss! Isn’t that a little fast? Y’all barely know each other, spot some trash in the lake, and jump straight to kissing? Aren’t they like.. 14? Isn’t this Disney Channel? Dang, lol. I mean, at least he asked.. which she appreciates. This is just another reason why I think these characters were meant to be in High School, tbh. Anyway... Louis leans in to kiss her and... well......

If it’s your first time watching this episode, I’m pretty confident that you will literally DIE LAUGHING!!!!! I’ll never forget when my mom and I watched the series for the first time in years back in 2011. We practically fell off the couch we were laughing so hard. Even right now, having seen this moment countless times since then -- seeing it on a loop like that has me rollingggg right now as I type. How disturbing is that?! What gets me is the fact that Chris is smiling, and then BAM! Beans is just staring at Louis, so very unimpressed looking.. lol. Not only that, the music is so romantic and uplifting as Louis leans in, and as soon as she morphs into Beans it abruptly changes to minor omg. THIS COUNTS AS MUSIC HUMOR TO ME AND STUFF LIKE THAT WILL ALWAYS KILL ME WITHOUT FAIL. 

Naturally, Louis starts freaking out and it’s hilarious. Imagine you’re about to kiss a guy and then he does this:

I don’t even know how you react to something like that. He quickly changes gears and rambles off this incredible excuse to leave: "I have a rump roast in the oven at home, so... I gotta go back home." - Definitely gonna add that to the list of effective excuses in my back pocket. I always thought it was interesting because in The Battle Of Shaker Heights, there’s a scene where Shia says the line “At least I wasn’t restocking rump roasts” ..and I always think of Louis Stevens and his brilliant excuse. 

The next day everyone is bombarding Louis to spill the beans (pun sort of intended) on how the date went. Tom is soooo great here. I freaking love him. It’s not even that serious.. but just because he doesn’t get enough love... I’ma embed what I’m talking about: 

Even Tawny asks Louis how it went! He practically has a mental breakdown and she becomes his personal shrink yet again. He explains everything and she tells him he just needs to make it up to Beans and then his conscience will be cleared. Which cuts to Louis imagining a total Andy Griffith Show parody of he and Beans going fishing and everything’s just SWELL!!! :D So, I guess that counts as a pop culture reference. 

Cutting back to the subplot, Donnie has basically turned the Stevens house into a salon. There’s a bunch of girls there and he’s the one styling them and everything. I’m starting to feel like this whole subplot is supposed to be a giant red flag that Donnie was actually a coded gay character. Very stereotypically gay in this case... But, yeah: 

He’s saying “Oh, hey Cindy! Put a smock on, I’ll be right with ya honey!!” Complete with limp wrist and valley girl voice. Um. He definitely seems to be in his element, tbh.

During the hustle and bustle of running an in-home salon, Ren catches Donnie walking around without his cane and automatically knows he’s been faking the severity of the injury. We learn that Donnie did get hurt while doing a victory dance out on the field, but recovered a while ago. He’s been faking to avoid going back to football after embarrassing himself. Aww. He eventually does go back, but this time he runs into the goal post after celebrating a touchdown. It’s pretty funny. 

There’s a really pointless scene where Beans comes over and kinda tortures/taunts Louis as revenge for ditching him, all while fake-acting like a cute little kid who doesn’t know any better. Constantly asking “Oops. Are you mad at me now?” He also gives Louis a wedgie with a fish hook... Like??? It’s annoying and doesn’t really go anywhere. Idk. 

Then we get to the final scene! Louis kisses Chris for real here! Whoaaa. I always forget that Louis kissed someone other than Tawny! But yeah. Louis kisses Chris and everything’s fine. He thinks his problem has been solved..... until......

This ending absolutely kills me.

And that’s it! I honestly really love this episode. The whole Beans morphing scene(s) are definitely some of the funniest moments in the whole series. Like... wow. I had a tough time deciding where to put it. Even though those bits and some of the other things I highlighted are great, there’s still something that feels a little off about this one. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Probably just the Season 3 weirdness. It starts to feel a little... disjointed? The situation isn’t completely resolved. We never actually see Louis make it up to Beans, which feels like a missed opportunity for some character development. The subplot is a lil weak as well, but I love Donnie... so. For an episode about Beans.. this one is not bad and pretty hilarious at times. Louis trying to romance Chris is great, but once again.. he’s kinda manipulative and ugly to Beans. 

Going down my list of criteria, this one probably meets Personal Favorite and Hilarity the most. It’s really good. But for my rankings, I’m valuing episodes that hit all the right notes for me the most. And trust me, there are some pretty perfect episodes to come and I’m so excited that we’re getting closer and closer to those! :)

Here’s a video with 3 of the most solid scenes, just because ya gotta see those morphs in all their glory. Plus, Shia screaming “wHAT IS THAT?!” gets me every single time:

Thanks for reading! Chime in via Disqus, please! :)

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