#<-also yay my psychiatrist acknowledged my autism

[ghostyclay]

Help whys my grandpa trying to convert me to Christianity bc apparently it'ill "make my adhd go away"

I'm just trying to eat breakfast in peace 😭

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[lucysweatslove]

Health recap, I guess? 2019 to present, because I'm so frustrated with my health atm.

Early 2019, I started with wrist pain whenever I used my hand to push on something. Nobody could figure it out. Did OT without much help. Was told it is "probably functional" but lost ability to do things I love, including lift weights and do yoga.

End of 2019, I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. I get colds periodically like everybody else. Nothing new.

URI did the whole "got better, then it got worse" thing and turned into a sinus infection and then my First Ever Ear Infection.

Went into urgent care; was given... some... antibiotic. I don't even remember the class. When this helped but didn't resolve, and the URI progressed to a cough and lower respiratory stuff, I was put on another antibiotic of a different class.

Eventually that antibiotic cleared it up, but I had a terrible cough for a few months. Also. Finally see a new psychiatrist who puts me on Wellbutrin and I feel so much better emotionally. Not physically.

Enter in COVID! I was working in a derm clinic and had to take my temp multiple times a day. We found I was persistently having fevers! Yay! I also was tremulous, nauseous, and lost weight unintentionally. This was on top of a couple year history of significant whole-body pruritis. Concern is something cancer.

Provider I worked for ordered labs while I waited to get into my PCP. My TSH was marginally high, which was unexpected. My PCP called and was like "let's put you on levo!" to which I said no, let's not, because I'm not presenting with any hypothyroid symptoms. I requested repeat TSH plus additional thyroid tests eg T3/T4.

Those came back normal, PCP was all "its a good thing I didn't start you on meds" like ma'am no, it's a good thing I had some medical knowledge and thusly refused and pushed for repeat studies. My PCP did not additional workup and took my temp via forehead scanner and was all "you're perfectly healthy."

Moved, and thus I needed a new PCP. New PCP did more extensive workup.

Start grad school fall of 2020. Can't focus well, suspect ADHD because my sister has ADHD and my historical depression, which I've blamed all my previous focus issues, is well-treated with Wellbutrin. PCP agrees but because of fevers doesn't think it's a good idea to start a new med yet.

Everything negative/clear/normal, including peripheral blood smear, blood culture, and chest and abdominal CT.

"Well, the next step would be a bone marrow biopsy..."

That sounds painful, no thanks. If it's something insidious, it'll eventually show up on routine labs and then we can do the biopsy. I continue to have fever and ear pain (even when my ears look "clear") and recurrent ear infections. I notice my hair is thinning too, and I keep getting recurrent scalp infections, but oh well. School goes fine even if I can't focus well, so I ignore that, too.

I figure out that my wrist pain is a ganglion cyst that nobody noticed because it didn't grow "up" but snaked its way through bones so it took 2 years for a "bump" to present. Had surgery to remove it in early-Mid 2021.

Constant stuffy nose starts in 2021, but my husband's hips died in mid 2021 and I focused more on him initially. I still can't focus and my nose is so stuffy it interferes with sleep.

Enter into a long discussion with my PCP where she refuses to acknowledge that I might have ADHD and thinks it's from my nose + inability to sleep. We try to treat it. Nothing works. Still. Stuffy.

Apply to medical school. Worried about ADHD and being able to focus and learn. Therapist who I've been working with since Husband's hips agrees it is ADHD but can't medically treat. Referred to testing because maybe if I have an actual diagnosis, my PCP would treat.

Diagnosed with ADHD + autism. Clinician assessor told me that my PCP's office doesn't usually "accept" his diagnoses.

Go to a PMHNP instead who won't prescribe stimulants without assessment from a specific neuropsych.

Placed on Strattera while I wait for neuropsych results. It's terrible. Fevers spike, I'm shaking all the time, can't sleep, like no change in focus. 0/10.

Do assessment with neuropsych. Only did some self-rating scales + the WAIS. WAIS test is voided because I've done it too recently. I still have to pay.

PMHNP finally says she won't make me go through any more hoops and we try Vyvanse. Vyvanse is amazing. I barely have any exacerbation of anything physical even.

Start medical school, things are OK and stable.

A few weeks into school (probably like, 6 weeks after starting the vyvanse, if it matters). I start feeling unwell and dizzy and like my eyes can't focus well, and I can't bring myself to eat. I figure I just need more hydration + electrolytes. Eat more salt, do better.

Two months into med school, everything flares. My scalp flares, I end up with a staph aureus infection not just on my scalp but by both of my ears, neck, and even a small abscess on my arm.

Treated for the staph but two weeks later develop widespread myalgias. Start taking daily Aleve to manage.

Fever is flaring without any particular pattern during this process.

Losing so much hair in the shower and in clumps. Husband can't find discrete lesions of baldness. I look at the hair and they are all telogen stage. Decide it's probably telogen effluvium from the stress of school.

Myalgias get progressively worse until I am in so much pain just sitting in class that if I forget Aleve for just one day, I'm almost crying and can only focus on the pain.

Finally decide to get another appoint with my PCP. It's in 2 weeks.

Why did I wait so long to see my PCP again? Because I am fat with a history of a restrictive eating disorder and I am absolutely petrified I will be labeled once again as the Overly Anxious Fat Woman that "just needs to meditate and lose some weight," and that when I bring up my new diagnoses and meds, I'll be told I "can't possibly be autistic" because I'm in med school and "present myself well" nor can I have ADHD because clearly I'm just an overly anxious fat woman.

[dazes-on-dazes]

2/8/2021 - Current State of Things

My mom has recently acknowledged my want to get screened for autism, it took an argument and pointing out that I walk on my toes for her to realize it. It's a relief that she at least some what understands what I want, however I don't think this will mend our relationship.

I don't like it, but I think it's too late for it to be fixed without noticable cracks. Years of living with her has worn on me, I get stressed by her mere presence, something like that I think can't be fixed in one fell swoop. And I'm scared of her reaction when she comes to realize that a few words are not going to make me automatically forgive her and want to spend time with her. I don't think that years of ridicule, percieved or otherwise can be written away with an apology and ignoring it again.

I don't know when I'll go to the psychiatrist, but I hope it's soon. While I'm on the topic of mental health, I've been thinking of service dogs again. I would like a service dog, I feel like I could possibly benefit from a companion who has a working internal clock and could remind me to take my meds, or knows when I'm getting overwhelmed. But I don't think I qualify for one at all, I think I appear too high functioning (?) to make a case in my favor, plus I've somehow managed to make it this far on my own.

College is also coming up for me, I hope to get into an art school for practical effects or special effects makeup. The transition is probably going to scare me, and I don't know how well I'll adjust. I'm going to have to start all over once again. I've tried to not think about it, but I know I'm going to have to soon.

I'm turning seventeen soon too. (yay!) Maybe everything will turn out to be a lot less stressful than I'm making it out to be, thats what I hope, at least. I can't help stressing about it, it's a huge milestone I don't think I'm ready for.

I think, I'll figure it out as I go, like I do with most things.

- Morrigan

I'm sorry if this was more incoherent than normal, organizing my thoughts is getting a bit harder now that we might be going to school full time again. I'll update again when I find something to talk about.