#<- the only time i will use the eng title. to make this joke

[megamindvhs]

FERGALICIOUS IN DUNGEON™

[candiliam328]

✨ Bean's Top Five Song Discoveries of 2023 ✨

yes i realize it is already well into january 2024 but here, enjoy the songs i found this year that define my 2023. if you're new here, hi i used to make obsessive music posts but now dont have time to make full ones so take this instead: your very own unique insight to my 2023!

this post is dedicated to @disco-tea for somehow being invested in all my music adventures and obsessions, bestie ily 🥺💕

STOP (Lollapalooza Version) by j-hope (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub)

im totally cheating already by choosing this when i first listened to jitb in 2022. but honestly? i dont care. i saw hobipalooza for the first time in 2023 and this version was only officially released then so here it is now!

to be frank, watching the performance was a completely different experience to me compared to listening to the studio release. while the original recording sounded conversational, it felt like something was exploding out of him during this performance. he needed to get things off his chest and yet still barely stops himself in his tracks from spiralling. and the juxtaposition !! placing it right after Equal Sign, where he is preaching kindness and understanding and unity and even goes so far to say "it costs you nothing to be kind" ?? and then the sudden immediate whiplash into STOP where he is actively holding himself back because its not true! being kind is hard!!! but he wants to be understanding and practice what he preaches but even he fails and gets "contaminated by the viruses" sometimes. its hard, its real, its raw. and ugh !! this song !!!

Bonus: the moment I always start to lose my mind

its the way the alternate title to this song is "there are no bad people in the world," a belief he holds deep to his core. and yet only a few breaths later, he confesses that the reality of the world makes him question if people are even human anymore. 😩 like wtf-

but also. its so true. and relatable. sometimes i cant even look at the news anymore bc its so hard to be a hopeful and positive and good person when you are bombarded with only hate and tragedy. i have never seen that feeling captured so perfectly in a song. jung hoseok you king.

tldr i think about this song, its performance juxtaposition, and what it means way too often. eternally sad that the youtube video with eng subs playing those songs back to back got taken down, i rewatched it so much it haunts me. may we never ever forget hobipalooza bc jung hoseok made Choices !!

-

Don't Wanna Cry by Seventeen (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub in captions)

the real ones remember how j-hope took over my life that second half of 2022 and how much i fought tooth and nail the entire way... so yeah lol seventeen took over the second half of 2023 and this is the song that got me out of that denial.

the thing is. i had kept hearing about this song and this choreography and how iconic it was, which is why i avoided it for so long. but as we all know, no matter how much i joke, i am and always will be a dancer. dancing will always be in my blood. so it is very on brand that a good dancer has been what gets me into kpop groups 100% of the time (2 out of 2 groups stanned bc i fell for the main dancer 🫣). and as a choreographer, good choreo will always have an unreasonable chokehold on me. and yet, Don't Wanna Cry has the audacity to exist ?? featuring performance unit leader hoshi with his most masterful choreography for this heartbreaking song ?? come onnn, i had no chance.

i cant say anything about this choreo that hasnt been said before but like seriously, watch this practice video and tell me this choreo isnt one of the most in-sync yet emotionally effective pieces of art you've ever seen. You don't even need the translations to understand the emotions behind it. But when I first saw the lyrics with the choreography, I swear I got chills. Ironically, once DK sang out this line:

my eyes got blurry. because thats the whole point of the song isn't it? thats the whole reason why they dont want to cry. because they realize their time together is limited, their heart is breaking but each second in their presence is so beautiful and precious, how dare tears get in the way of fully appreciating this time together. its beautiful and heartbreaking and then the timing of falling to their knees right after for a chorus just adds into the hopelessness.

And I know everyone talks about the bridge but like- the bridge.

Lying to yourself that everything is OK only to fall on your knees again begging "come back, come back, come back". The rawness in this choreo. The almost uncontrollable chest pops in this vulnerable, open position because these words are coming from their heart.

Also Hoshi still to this day calls this one of his favorite svt choreos. He doesn't brag much about his choreo nowadays but the interviews I could find of him proudly relaying the story behind the iconic "streetlight" choreo just 🥺🥺 me too buddy. choreo can be beautiful sometimes and he did so good with this one. 🥺🥺🥺 choreographer hoshi, king of my heart, thank you for making me fall in love with this song 🥺🙌

-

I'm Just Another Person Oh God by Daisy the Great (lyrics)

Ah, yes. the Daisy the Great phase. I could have picked the whole All You Need is Time album honestly bc the storyline it has in my head is so fucked up I can't handle it. But in the end, it was a toss up between including this one or Aluminum in this list bc those were the ones I had on loop. for. reasons. 🫣

Gosh, what to say about this song. other than admitting, wow was I going through something for this one. Haven't we all felt this way sometimes though? Wanting something so bad and it not working out and then stepping back like. "wait am i being greedy and selfish with this?" and the answer is no! like actually im just being entirely super normal with this. just like everyone else! only i am also filled with some bonus woe! like ?!??!?! wasnt that the biggest 2023 mood? idk it was for me lmao.

There is something to be said with this album though, that is particularly apparent in this song. It's that kind of cynical wistfulness of wanting something you had in the past. Passion? Naivete? Whatever it is. It's gone now bc of life, the passage of time, and you're being like so super brave and normal about it (clenched fist, arthur meme style). Everything is painted with a bit of regret and "why am i always like this", all wrapped up in a funky floaty song that is almost uncomfortably easy to listen and vibe to bc of how concerning those lyrics can be when you really listen. but hey ✌️ it really do be like that sometimes i guess. shoutout to them for the insane 20yearold something vibes bc daisy the great? they get it ahaha.

-

Snow on Tha Bluff by J. Cole (lyrics)

Lol surprise.

if you ever want to know how i find music, a lot of my favorite songs are usually found by chance. a random deep dive fueled by curiosity or hyperfixation and every so often, my spotify will give me a gem. this particular discovery was bc for a variety of reasons, i decided to listen to a playlist of j.cole's music and was bopping along appropriately until this one came up and. i had to replay it multiple times.

its very understated. and raw. stream-of-consciousness.

i dont even know but i listened to this one a lot. even as i write this now, its been months since i listened to it but when i was making this list, i knew i had to include this one bc of how much ive thought about it.

there's something about understated vulnerability that always gets me in. nothing about this is showy nor does it really seem to have a point other than him needing to get this off his chest. yet there's such a poignant art to it. the instance he speaks about is v specific but the sentiment is still relatable and somehow resonated with me a lot.

idk i just think this song is so beautiful in its simplicity, which is something i think i should try to emulate more considering i said a whole lot of nothing in this section so i think ill stop this one here.

-

I Don't Understand But I Luv U by Seventeen (Eng. Lyrics)

if i had to pick a song that defined my december, it would be this one. hands down, no contest. i think i listened to this nonstop the last two weeks of the year. and:

... yeah.

im realizing as i write this post that i spent a lot of this past year just thinking about music and life. seventeen's songs actually tend to be a bit of a slow burn on me so i had known and even heard this song a few times earlier this year but really it only hit me last month. yet despite listening to it nonstop, i cannot recite to you the actual english translation of the song. bc ultimately the translation doesnt matter. what i love about this song is already there in the title.

"I don't understand but I love you"

after all, isnt that love in its truest essense? love is accepting you may never truly understand everything about a person but choosing to love them anyway. love transcends all language and all understanding. its a choice and an action and this is the song that always reminds me of that when love gets hard.

idk what this all says about my 2023 but love is hard. family is hard. but in a way, i think that's what makes it all so beautiful. just as beautiful as this song. i can and will (and have!) listened to this song on repeat bc the ✨vibes✨ i think it might even have been the first song i listened to in 2024. that guitar riff is so sick and sensual. the ad libs are so cute - the little zoom! at 0:46 and smoke smoke! at 2:02, i sing along to it every time 🫣.

also hearing the girlies lose their minds when watching this performance on the big screen during their simulcast concert was so funny but endearing. i'd never but those girls sure love thirst traps skakakka

the story behind this song too just 🥺 hoshi getting absolutely blown by a fan's comment "i dont understand but i love you," repeating it, saying they could use it as part of their lyrics and then a few months later, this song comes out. you can literally see his eyes light up im just 🥺 so endeared. and the way its a Performance Unit song, a unit that is made of 50% foreign members, and that several pre-debut clips show members struggling with language barriers. idk this song is all so soft, it means so much to me and clearly means so much to them. and there we go, its all in the title for me ✨

-

✨ if you made it all the way here, wow and thanks! here's to even more good music in 2024 ✨

[knetztranslations]

Title: 앤톤 사진 여자 해명글

(Eng. Trans.: "Explanation from the girl in the photo with Anton")

I do not own the photos below nor did I write the comments, they are reposted from a korean site.

Original Post

Selected Comments

2024.03.12 16:21 KST: "In the US male and female friends can even be roommates...just because they held hands in a photo doesn't mean they're dating." [a/n: as of the time of my post, this comment has 13 upvotes and 32 downvotes with 11 responses mostly doubting the commenter.]

2024.03.12 16:22 KST: "Men are included when you meet up with all your friends?? LMFAO" [a/n: the tone in this comment is difficult to translate in words but it comes off as skeptical]

2024.03.12 16:39 KST: "It's a friendship necklace."

2024.03.12 16:39 KST: "Holding hands as friends?.. LOL" [a/n: this comment has 209 likes, 7 dislikes as of the time I'm making this post]

2024.03.12 17:25 KST: "[Her story is] credible. She's very ugly."

2024.03.12 17:35 KST: "But [if this is true] why are you guys holding hands? Was it just a joke? But then why upload it? Because I'm seriously curious. Did you want attention?"

2024.03.12 18:42 KST: "Ugh just admit it."

2024.03.12 22:34 KST: "There isn't the slightest bit of interest in this explanation [in this comment section] LOL" [a/n: this comment has 0 likes and 4 dislikes as of the time I'm making this post]

2024.03.12 22:51 KST: "Does anyone know the girl's Instagram?" [a/n: someone replied to this comment saying the girl had privated it.]

2024.03.12 23:16 KST: "Guys, Anton is a legend, he seems girl-crazy LMFAO. Why on earth is he holding hands with his female friend when the real girlfriend is her:

2024.03.13 01:13 KST: "The girl was pretty, yet..." [a/n: this comment had 0 likes and 8 dislikes at the time I'm making this post. And someone responded to the comment saying "you don't have eyes?"]

2024.03.13 02:10 KST: "I'm 28 years old and have no interest and idols and I've lived in the U.S. since middle school. But in what world are a man and woman walking around hurriedly while holding hands when they're not even dating? lol. Hugs and kisses on the cheek might be okay as a greeting, but it's not like a Ganggangsullae. It's strange for a man and a woman who are just friends to hold hands lol. Obviously, there's only one scenario where it is okay for a man and woman to hold hands and not be dating and that is when a man is gay lol. Just say that Anton is gay."

2024.03.13 04:01 KST: "When their friends' comment things that feel like they're saying "private but not secret," it seems even more true [that they're dating] lol. And if they're not dating, then what are they? Friends with benefits?"

[A/N: the comments on this post give on overall vibe that the commenters don't believe the girl at all. Some of the comments were outright rude about Anton's friend (I've translated one but there were others). Most of the commenters could not fathom that the girl could be telling the truth and they had this view that, in America, friendships between men and women are not actually as close as Anton's and his friend's relationship. Some were even saying that even if Americans were like this, she should've known better since he's an idol. It was actually quite sad to read.].

[red-dyed-sarumane]

ok ok but actually i want to know ur thoughts on the en titles like even with my limited understanding of japanese im????? on half these titles and worse i gotta memorize them bc youtube forces u to read them that way. nooo its not testament its kyuuyaku hankagai nooo its not blade its shuuen touhikou....

okay i actually have my yt set to jpn so all i see of the eng titles is actually second hand but from what i know

last i checked aru sekai shoushitsu was left untranslated. i dont know how i feel about that.

problem for me starts with kyuuyaku hankagai. kyuuyaku IS old testament yes thats where the eng testament comes from. hankagai is actually a bit of word play on magus part bc there IS a word hankagai meaning like a business district or busy downtown area but the hanka magu uses in the title is actually for scientific generalizations with the suffix of town at the end. so u end up with something like town of the old testament's generalizations which. right away u can see how much extra context ur getting from that alone. reducing it to JUST testament leaves out a lot of detail & makes it more open to interpretation. if i didnt know the og title id see testament & go "oh its called testament bc its a testament of her will to work so hard and go thru all this horror time after time after time" but thats not it. look im not a religious person at all but it goes beyond word choice here the opening text is reminiscent (at the very least) of dante's inferno, 2 songs later we get more church imagery & a whole angel, this isnt a one time thing its also a part of the story & to leave it as just testament makes it so easy to ignore or overlook that part. and then there's the fact its one of the songs tied directly to a certain world's disappearance. disappearance has its main lines distributed under specific headers of sorts, each being a single 2 syllable kanji. the first of which is kyuu which is literally "past". translating both to reflect this in eng is. difficult esp when it gets to other songs but even if u leave it as old testament the "old" is Still There & its a lot more possible to catch onto the connection (hard maybe but not impossible)

shuuen touhikou makes me need to talk a walk and im not joking. fucking "blade" sounds like ur trying to appeal to edgy middle schoolers. aside from that when i hear blade im thinking its going to be a fighting song - maybe not a physical fight, but theres going to be conflict- and yes! there IS conflict in this song! its not what i would expect from seeing blade tho! she is fighting & yes the lyrics are like. using her sword to try and forge her own path out when the others let her down, but blade makes it seem like idk some noble fight or something. but u read demise escape & u KNOW shit's serious. it IS a fight but its that kind of "god i dont want to die like this" type of primal fight and not some cool miku swordfighting action. this girl's been told to sit tight and it will work out & she knows thats wrong & the only thing left is for her try whatever she can so that maybe MAYBE she can make it out alive. demise escape as a title hits the type of fear & heaviness thats in the series and gets across and entirely different picture than what blade could ever do. and. again. as one of the main songs blade completely lacks anyway to tie back to the og song. the lines in shoushitsu are shuu which becomes the shuu in shuuen. end & demise are harder to accurately translate in both songs so even with the more accurate eng title its not that easy to tie back into shoushitsu but like. at the very least u can add it as a fun fact or something somewhere.

oumen mokushiroku i just have to sit here & accept that it actually works much to my own dissatisfaction. the direct translation is concave revelation BUT mokushiroku is part of the lyrics in shoushitsu & it has an alternate reading of being pronounced "apocalypse" so a series accurate title here is concave apocalypse & concave is for the most part just tying back to the ou/concave lines in shoushitsu. for as much as i think about this song i actually dont have anything deep to say about the concave part of the title beyond that so like. fine. reduce it to just apocalypse fine whatever i hate it but [throws my hands up] u win this time magu

unplanned apoptosis is accurate the only problem is in jpn u can catch the a-a alliteration in the title but thats not a problem with the translation thats a problem with the english language itself. the alliteration thing is in fact series context btw it keeps in with that repeating fractal theme they emphasized in shoushitsu and kyuuyaku. same with marshall maximizer but there u can actually see it. kanons fine.

kugutsu ashura is. hm. im nitpicking here. literally its puppet ashura. this isnt connected to a shoushitsu heading so ur not losing anything in that regard. however. from what ive been told about ashura (thank u my friend emimin) they arent very.... in control of things. per se. so when u compound that with puppet in the title it just really drives home what she's doing is not her own will. she cannot affect anything beyond how shes supposed to (i guess thats an okay way of putting it) which saying this is also why the motif isnt in this song either but thats off topic. ashura by itself doesnt bother me as much as the others but theres just that little extra context u get from knowing the first part is puppet that adds to it from a series standpoint.

laboratory is fine the only thing is in jpn it has the separation (labo-ratory) so its obvious its on of the songs with the alliteration theme going on. more of a fun fact than actually being wrong. its fine.

as far as i know yamete kudasai and kannagi dont have the official eng titles?? even if they did idk what to say about them bc these titles are already weird from a series standpoint anyway. they dont fit into the 5 kanji title songs category they dont fit into the alliteration category theyre just kind of here. if there IS thematic importance to them we're only going to know when more songs get posted. they dont have any keywords or kanji that tie into any other specific song either. theyre just here.

[dashythroughthesnow]

OK SO

I WISH I BOUGHT THE SOUVENIR PROGRAM BEFORE THE SHOW HOLY FUCK

almost everyone around us brought a date 💀 and for some reason some elementary kids were there cause their school sponsored the show?? like omg you poor lil kids there is war, blood, and a grand total of 1 subtle phallic joke in this show

I WAS TRYING SO HARD NOT TO SQEUAL WHENEVER THEY HAD A MUSICAL MOTIF REPEATED,,, OR EVEN STARTED BUILDING UP TO IT BY MAKING A CHARACTER SING A SHORT MELODY THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BE IN IT'S OWN SONG LATER

i wasn't expecting the show to have so many funny jokes?? the actors' comedic timing was just *chef's kiss*

act 1 was so funny until act 2 happened. they still managed to throw some jokes in tho

i was so shook tho when i took out my watch and realized act 1 was 2 hours long

my favorite number is the one that ends act 1 les mis-style where they wave the philippine war flag. the song's titled malaya (lit. eng: free) iirc

there's no cast recording yet but at least there's a short video of it being rehearsed online >:3c

christian is a himbo, i didn't expect to enjoy his character sm :'))

ADDING ON TO THE MALAYA NUMBER, THEY WAVE THE RISING SUN FLAG FOR ONE SECOND BEFORE THE STAGE GOES DARK AND WE HEAR EXPLOSIONS?? AND IT HAS???? SO MUCH IMPACT??????????????? LIKE HOW??????????

tbh i loved the balcony scene the most but i don't wanna admit it

WHEN THEY BEGIN THE SHOW BY LIGHTING UP THE TINY LAMP IN THE CENTER OF THE STAGE, CLOSE IT BY TURNING IT OFF

AND WHEN THEY END WITH THE SONG THEY STARTED WITH

SO MUCH ANGST AMONGST THE LAUGHTER LIKE BROOOOOOO

IT'S KINDA FUNNY HOW THE ACTOR OF THIS ONE CHARACTER IS ENGAGED TO THE ACTRESS OF THE CHARACTER HIS IS PINING FOR

WHEN THEY SING THE IKAW MOTIF DURING THE TITLE NUMBER I WAS LIGHTLY BANGING ON MY CHAIR BECAUSE KDGHSD;LGHKLJFDSGHKFJSL

PRETTY MUCH WHENEVER CYRANO IS BEING TOO MUCH IN DENIAL I JUST

what else is there to say shit

i love how the cadets treat carissa like a little sister, even getting fired up from defending her when one of them gets annoyed with how noisy she gets when she has a nightmare

i also like how they're the only ones who can affectionately make fun of cyrano's long nose kfdslhgfjs

THE COSTUMES AND SETS ARE SO PRETTY THO

THE WHITE DRESS ROXANNE WEARS MAY BE SIMPLE BUT IT HAS TO BE MY FAVORITE ONE LMAO

NO SPOILERS BUT THE ENDING GOT ME LIKE

YEAH THAT'S MUCH ALL THAT I CAN MENTION SO FAR I'LL COME BACK WHEN I REMEMBER SMTH

in conclusion cyrano best boy, man's actor makes him so fucking funny, and the musical is amazing

10/10 would watch again

[aayo-whatt]

heyo ayo ^-^

pick a blorbo that is close to you heart and just word vomit about them, im very interested in your favorite characters and the reasoning behind them ^-^ (if you dont want to thats okay too lolol)

*sorry if this is a lil random and out of the blue aaaa*

hihi :>>> and i dont mind random stuff, it just makes me happy seeing ppl in my inbox-

uh- ok hold on, theres gonna be like three (maybe more i cant count-) bc i cant choose between them-

Supernatural i think the shows actually kinda old, but do i care? not one bit im also only at the end of the fourth season, and ive got ten(ish) more to go sooo- (if you know what the show is ignore this, but if not read on: its essentially about these two brothers (sam and dean) who fight supernatural beings title lol -- things like demons, ghosts, monsters, etc basically anything from old mythology from all cultures) anyway- love love love this show bc 1. characters are so good, and like well developed (continuing to develop throughout the show as well) like omg- 2. plot is literally amazing like wth, theres usually a bunch of plot twists 'n stuff, so it keeps you hooked alotta the time and 3. it might be dramatic, but it has its funny moments too (also the fandom is still like *aggressively* active with all the ships-) favourite characters so far- dean, older brother, loves food (like me sometimes), and the reason for most of the jokes in the show (as in he makes them, and ppl make some abt him) honestly hes just really funny and i love him platonically second favourite (he might actually be my first but-) castiel, he doesnt appear till the start of season 4 but its worth the wait, i think ppl find him annoying at first but hes so pretty and i aggresively simp for him platonically, hes also kinda dry but that makes it funnier- (fun fact, ppl ship dean and castiel together -- destiel -- so its funny that they're my two favourite characters-)

Merlin show got cancelled but used to air on BBC, its set in medieval times (king arthur, is legit a character but hes not king yet), so its got magic, sword fighting, the whole thing love the show bc again characters are amazing, plot is amazing, and while its dramatic it has its funny moments (also even though the show ended like ten years ago, fandom is still active and i love that)my favourite character is probably gwaine, i cant explain why he just is (if you watch the show you'll understand)

finally (but *definitely* not least) Haikyuu- idk why i think its mainly just bc the eng dub makes me smile every time i watch one of its episodes- and also probably bc i simp for so many of the characters (shhh-) also recently learnt im a bokuto kinnie do with that what you will *major* sakusa simp, he's just so pretty and i cant handle it, and idc if people think hes distant and moody and stuff bc i literally love him(you can probably tell that by the amount of kiyoomi content i reblog)- i also simp a lot for suna, just bc have u seen him hes pretty as sooo- its also bc i find him funny and i just love him ok? (also low quality suna pics i legit love for some reason-) a character from haikyuu i love but in a more platonic way, is bokuto, again he's pretty- but its also his personality is just so chaotic and i love him for it- especially when him and kuroo are together, it just makes things all the more funnier for me

uh- there's more shows, but this is all i can think of rn- also sorry its so long, i tend to ramble a lot sometimes-

what about you? favourite blorbo/s? feel free to ramble, people being happy makes me happy

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Kiro’s Inspiration Date (Eng Translation)

🍒 Warning: This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 灵感之约, which has not been released in English servers! 🍒

An early birthday gift to the embodiment of sunshine, @moondusks​ :>

[ This date was released in CN on 7 December 2020 ]

A pleasantly warm and light breeze lifts the muslin curtains, bringing with it the fresh atmosphere of early winter.

Lemon yellow sunlight filters lazily through the trees, casting shadows on the window and carrying the scent of peppermint.

It’s an incomparably ordinary, and incomparably comfortable afternoon.

It’s very suitable for heading out and casting aside one’s cares - laying down on a grass patch, basking in the warm sunlight.

Or perhaps taking a stroll along the street, and sitting down in a cafe one has been longing to visit.

That’s what Kiro and I originally planned to do. 

However, the cruel reality is...

MC: Why does this proposal have to be done by next week ahhhh--

Kiro: Why can’t I write this song properly--

MC: Why do people need to be exploited by work--

Kiro: [sighs] And why are people constrained by inspiration--

Because of a sudden program, I have no choice but to work overtime.

And Kiro, who is about to record a new album, has remained dissatisfied towards the title track.

Due to the pressures of reality, we have to give up our original plans of having a fulfilling and happy date.

The both of us are working overtime at home.

Kiro: [groans] Farewell, my rosy weekend. Goodbye, my donuts and soup dumplings which have vanished into thin air.

MC: And brown sugar milk coffee, taro pies, and lava cakes...

Even though we sing the same tune, complaining dejectedly about not being able to go out, the both of us work non-stop on our tasks.

I can hear the crisp sound of Kiro tapping his pen rhythmically against the music stand. Occasionally, his soft humming can also be heard.

Seeing him working hard and struggling with himself, the corners of my lips lift upwards.

Even though we’re unable to head outside to do something interesting, it isn’t a bad thing to be together at home like this, channelling effort into our differing goals.

In some way, this should also count as a type of date.

I smile, adjusting my posture on the bean bag so that it’s more comfortable for typing, then continue immersing myself in the battle against the program proposal.

-

The proposal I’m working on is extremely urgent, and has to be settled by next week. 

Not only that, but this sudden program has an importance accompanied by a non-proportional preparation timing.

And during such a period of high stress, the goddess of inspiration, who typically shows concern for me, has gone on a faraway vacation, and has  completely vanished.

I have trouble writing. When I completely lose my train of thought, I exchange helpless glances with the few words on the screen.

In the end, I give up and pause the hands which have been maltreating the keyboard, preparing to pour myself a glass of water, and attempt to change my mood.

Lifting my head, I subconsciously glance in Kiro’s direction.

The curtains separate the room from sunlight, casting Kiro in a faint shadow as he leans against the window while composing a song.

Busy writing the new song, he hasn’t had time to maintain the state of his hair. 

Finding stray hairs a hindrance as they block his vision, Kiro holds a rubber band in his mouth, combing his hair to the back, and ties it into a small ponytail.

Those azure eyes stare at the music score in concentration. They are as clear and bright as always, but lack the flash of light he usually has when inspiration strikes.

Reference materials and abandoned drafts are scattered all over, which seem to isolate him on a higher platform which I’m unable to reach.

Completely engrossed in creating his work, even his languid sitting posture exudes a cold and lonely feeling for some reason.

For a moment, I feel slightly dazed.

Kiro: Let me guess. Is Miss Chips lacking inspiration, and having trouble writing the proposal?

Kiro suddenly removes his earplugs, turning his head to look at me. 

He shows me a brilliant smile, and the room is once again filled with sunlight.

MC: How did you know? 

He stands up as well, stretching himself, turning back into the him that I’m most familiar with.

It’s as though the him of just a few seconds ago was simply an illusion surfacing from work-induced stress.

Kiro: Hmm... since just now, the sound of your keyboard has been intermittent, unlike how smooth it usually is.

While he speaks, Kiro walks to the snack cabinet and rifles through it carefully, as though he’s a small squirrel searching for a pine cone from the hole of a tree in winter.

Kiro: So I thought - Miss Chips is probably just like me, entering a bottleneck at work.

He splits the low-fat and sugar-free healthy snack into half, placing it into my hand.

Kiro: A little reward for the hardworking you. Now, do you feel more motivated?

MC: It sounds quite embarrassing... but I don’t think I can work any harder.

I munch on the snack which gives me absolutely no happiness, saying this with a sullen expression.

MC: The presentation is next week, but I still have no idea how to go about writing the proposal. Right now, I just want to turn into an ostrich and curl up into a ball, avoiding the presentation meeting in a few days... and also avoiding my unmotivated self.

I turn the laptop towards him, letting him see the lonely and piteous 235 words in the document.

MC: I even want to knock on my brain forcefully, checking to see if new ideas will appear.

Kiro: Hmm... I see...

Kiro curls his finger, tapping it gently against my forehead. He leans closer to my ear and asks a question.

Kiro: Nice to meet you, Miss Chips’ inspiration. May I know if you’re at home?

Following his action, I close my eyes and sense it carefully.

After a short silence, I furrow my brows and lift my head, looking at him bitterly.

MC: Hello, the user you’re calling is not in service...

Kiro reaches out to rub the area between my eyebrows, smoothening out the creases on my face.

After ensuring that I’m no longer a “bun”, he sighs, laying down next to me.

[Note] Chinese buns (包子 - “bao zi”)  look like this i.e. they look like wrinkles:

Kiro: [sighs] Actually, I’m the same as you. There’s a song I especially wish to write, and I really like the concept and composition. I want to try writing a song on understanding and interpreting the theme of “love” from my own perspective.

He pauses, lifting his fringe with a wry smile. After give it a forceful rub, he causes his originally tidy hairstyle to become fuzzy.

Kiro: But no matter how I change it, I’m not satisfied. I keep feeling as though something is missing from the music. There’s no soul.

I untie the string, using a hand to smoothen his hair, helping him tie it up properly again.

MC: Whether it’s “My Treasure” or the song we wrote together last Christmas, aren’t they very incredible? They’re tender and sweet - it’s as though they can be sung into the hearts of every listener, enabling them to recollect the best memories.

Kiro: That won’t do.

Kiro flips over and sits up, his eyes serious.

Kiro: Those songs write about us. They write about you. I have several thousand ways to write about how adorable you are, but I don’t know which timbre I should use to face myself.

Not realising how potent his words are in causing one to blush, Kiro sighs once again after speaking, laying back down.

Kiro: [sighs] Looks like this time, we’ve both chosen subjects which are very difficult for us.

-

Kiro: Since we’ve both sunk into a major crisis--

Kiro: Want to try Kiro’s special, secret recipe and see if it can sort out our thinking?

Kiro shoots me a wink.

MC: Sure. Do I need to do anything?

Kiro: At this stage, all you have to do is sit here.

While Kiro speaks, he picks up the abandoned drafts he had casually thrown on the floor earlier, using them to enclose us within a square frame.

Kiro: This is the thinking box that we’re trying to escape from.

He sets down the final sheet of paper, completing this “box”, his tone light.

Kiro: Right now, we’re both locked in it.

MC: In that case, will the superhero help me break this box, so we can have a breakthrough together?

Kiro: Nope. 

Kiro steps out of the square frame made out of drafts, reaching out to seize Cello, who is sleeping soundly on the cat climbing shelf. Then, he places it in my arms.

Cello: Meow?

Kiro nods in satisfaction, then jogs over to the kitchen, bringing over some fruits.

Under the confused gaze of both me and Cello, he makes several trips in and out, bringing over soft cushions, comfortable blankets, and two cups of sugar-free hot chocolate.

Finally, Kiro shifts another bean bag over, and sits down beside me.

Kiro: I’m incredibly sorry to tell you that even a superhero can’t find a way to jump out of this box.

Somewhat pleased with himself, he takes me into his arms with one hand, letting me lean on him.

Kiro: But at the very least, I can keep you company in this box. And together, we can see what exactly in this box has left us so bewildered that we’re unable to get out even after such a long time. 

As he speaks, he tousles Cello’s fuzzy head, and it releases a comfortable meow.

Kiro: We can also decorate it a little, so the box is more comfortable. 

MC: Pfft...

I can’t help but laugh. The sense of dejectedness due to work earlier seems to be cleared up with his actions.

I reach out, pointing at a corner of the ceiling in a joking manner. 

MC: See that? Over there, there’s an MC who just can’t write a proposal, and she’s currently curled up and for waiting for mushrooms to sprout on her... I don’t know how to deal with it.

Kiro nods in understanding, pointing at a corner of the room.

Kiro: Ladies and gentlemen, look here. Here is a Kiro whose inspiration is stuck, and is currently drawing circles. 

MC: When you put it like that, it sounds pretty cute...

While he speaks, I more or less understand why Kiro went to such trouble to do this.

Kiro: That’s right. To me, whether it’s that ostrich-like MC, or that MC who has mushrooms growing on her, I want to hug all of them properly.

Kiro: And then tell her solemnly - that you’re already very amazing. Even if you don’t think you’re good enough, I still like you very much.

Kiro: Just as much as a little bear in winter liking the warm blue sky and green grass.

As he speaks, he tightens his grip on my hand, leaning his chin on top of my head.

Surrounding me are soft blankets and cushions. In my arms is a cat which has gone back to sleep.

Behind me, Kiro’s body temperature and scent encase me tenderly, making me feel so contented that I want to release a joyful sound together with Cello.

I close my eyes in happiness, nuzzling the crook of Kiro’s neck.

The things that were bothering me just a second ago, weighing me down with stress and emotions and leaving me unable to breathe, vanish like smoke and disperse like clouds.

It’s as though I’ve awakened from an incredibly long nightmare, discovering that sunlight is illuminating my surroundings, and that a cup of hot chocolate is waiting at the bedside.

MC: Kiro, why do you always know of such ingenious methods?

I lift my head to look at him, gazing at that blue colour which seeps into one’s heart, and the golden colour traced by sunlight.

Our foreheads lean against each other, and he smiles as he responds.

Kiro: You were the one who taught me these things. Why are you asking me instead?

MC: Me? 

Kiro: Last time, there were numerous occasions when I felt I couldn’t create works that were good enough, and I’d start to doubt myself. I’d lock myself in a corner, and start having internal fights with myself. 

Along with his words, it’s as though I see the Kiro I was barely acquainted with back then, and how he had endured several days and nights of work.

He had locked himself up in a room, helpless and frantic, not leaving any space for himself to breathe. 

Kiro: But during those times, you were always by my side. You told me that no matter how I was, you’d like me all the same. 

As he speaks, he taps on my laptop. 

Kiro: Actually, it’s the same today. 

Kiro: Don’t just look at how I appear now. Actually, I’m in a terrible state. 

Kiro: On one hand, I’m forcing myself to finish this work quickly. On the other hand, I’m so irritated and annoyed at myself, who lacks creativity. 

Kiro: There were many times when I wanted to just give up. 

Kiro: But...

He lifts a strand of my hair, twirling it around his fingertip. In the end, he pulls it to his lips, giving it a gentle kiss.

Kiro: Each time I heard your intermittent yet continuous typing sounds, I’d tell myself that next to me, you’re still working hard. 

Kiro: My Miss Chips is also feeling perplexed, but she’s still persevering in work. 

Kiro: So I told myself - how could I give up before you did?

Kiro: I must definitely persevere a little longer, so you see how dashing I am. 

Kiro relates this softly at my ear. His tone, which harbours a smile, sounds as though he’s depicting a treasure.

I indulge myself in his arms, greedily enjoying the present tranquility and warm atmosphere for a while longer.

I always feel that Kiro is a star whenever I go off course. He always illuminates the pathway, pointing the way forward for me. 

Actually, without even realising it, it’s because we’ve seen each others’ light that we could press on.

Encouraging each other, and feeling the way forward in the darkness. 

Until we break through the predicament together.

MC: Thank you, my superhero. I think I’ve regained the ability to fight a little more.

A soft chuckle brushes my ear. Then, a warm and gentle touch is planted on my lower jaw. 

Reminiscent of the whiskers of a kitten brushing past, spreading into a plain of sweetness.

Kiro: At your service anytime, my Miss Chips.

-

With that, Kiro and I sit in the “box” together, resuming our work. 

He lays on the ground, scribbling and drawing on the music sheet, while I hug the laptop to myself, working hard to squeeze out a proposal.

The typing sounds on the laptop remain intermittent as before, but no longer have the sense of repression and frustration from earlier.

With his presence, I actually manage to complete a draft of the proposal without realising it. 

It isn’t excellent, and there are many areas which require editing. Nevertheless, I’ve already tided over the most difficult period.

I move my neck and shoulders, then shift a little closer to Kiro.

Same as before, Kiro is wholly absorbed in the music sheet in his hands.

Even though I can’t tell his current progress, based on his expression and posture, he should be the same as me, breaking free from the lowest point of production.

I observe him quietly for a long time. In the end, my playfulness triumphs, and I think of pulling a tiny prank on him.

Lifting Kiro’s right hand, I burrow into his arms. 

MC: Surprise~

Probably not expecting me to do this, Kiro is left dumbfounded. However, he subconsciously props himself up and hugs me. 

Kiro: Miss Chips?

MC: A little reward for the hardworking musician.

Saying this, I tilt my head upwards and give him a light peck on the chin.

My sudden attack and the closing of distance between us enables me to successfully capture the faint redness on Kiro’s face.

Kiro: ...mm, how’s your proposal doing?

MC: At the moment, there are positive prospects.

Just like this, I wrap my arms around his neck, tousling his soft, golden coloured hair.

Because of my action, the ponytail is now in disarray.

I simply hook my fingers underneath Kiro’s rubber band, untying it, feeling the softness of his hair in between my fingers.

MC: How’s your song doing?

Kiro: At the moment, there are positive prospects.

He mimics my words, inserting one earplug into my ear.

A somewhat rough demo occupies my hearing.

I close my eyes, immersed in the music he has given to me. My fingers twirl the wire of the earpiece, tracing the rhythm.

Kiro: Although it isn’t done yet, the overall main key won’t change.

It’s a somewhat slow tune.

It's quiet, and even brings with it a heavy and melancholic melody. It’s reminiscent of a self-reflection, and also like a careful recount.

Kiro: Even though this tune is a little sombre, I still wrote it. 

Kiro: Because I know you’d definitely say that you like such songs too.

MC: Of course.

I say this with certainty. He smiles and lowers his head, the tips of our noses gently touching.

MC: Kiro, I came across a saying once.

MC: The process of writing a song is actually a writer’s conversation with himself.

MC: Although I don’t know what you said to yourself, if this melody is your answer, I like it very much.

Our drifting breaths channel a temperature slightly higher than the sunlight.

MC: Including these slightly heavy portions - I like them very much.

Saying this, I crinkle my eyes, humming along with the melody from the earpiece.

Kiro releases a sigh, hugging me tightly.

Kiro: [sighs] Why does this song become so sweet when you hum it? 

Before I can respond, Kiro continues. 

Kiro: [laughs] It must be because MC is a jar of honey.

He nods with force, seeming to be very satisfied with this answer. Then, it’s as though something occurs to him, and he plants a kiss on my forehead. 

Kiro: See? It’s very sweet.

MC: What...

I laugh, pretending to push at his chest.

MC: Looks like I have to stay a little further away from you next time, so you won’t become overweight.

Kiro: Hehe, it’s already too late! My feelings come in large portions, so it’s too late to say that.

Kiro presses me against the woollen blanket, embracing me with even more strength than before.

Kiro: Miss Chips has already been firmly held onto by me.

Kiro: I’ll leave a stamp.

While he says this, he nibbles the side of my neck half-jokingly, and half-declaratory.

He doesn’t use strength, but the electric-like sensation makes me forget how to breathe for a moment. 

The charmingly tepid air leaves my cheeks burning crimson.

Kiro’s hug is tight, yet very careful. It’s as though he’s embracing the one and only treasure in the entire world. 

MC: It’s not like I can really run away...

Not minding my soft mumbling, another kiss descends on the shell of my ear, as though seeking a confirmation.

His breaths lift up strands of stray hair near my ear. They brush against my earlobe, as scorching as his lips.

Kiro: MC, I’m actually timid and a little childish.

Kiro buries his head in my shoulder, speaking softly.

Kiro: When it comes to things I don’t like, I’ll always think of hiding them and locking them up. I won’t see them, and I won’t let other people see them.

Kiro: But if it’s you...

I secretly take a few deep breaths, cradling his face a little stiffly yet carefully, tilting my head upwards. 

MC: Thank you for trusting me.

Kiro: ...

Kiro’s eyes widen slightly, and his lips part and close. It’s as though he wants to say something, but returns to a blank.

At the end of a short silence, Kiro speaks solemnly. 

Kiro: I’ll definitely finish this song. 

He lowers his voice slightly. Even though this sentence is as light as a feather, I know that he’s as serious as making a vow. 

Kiro: I’ll definitely finish this song, and sing various versions of myself to you in the future.

Kiro: Even the parts which are heavier, and the parts I’m unwilling to face myself.

MC: Mm. I’ll definitely listen earnestly.

Following the trail of his spine, I stroke his back lightly, giving him my promise.

Kiro: I know. 

Kiro: It’s precisely because no matter what melody it is, you’ll definitely sing it into a song akin to honey.

Kiro: Which is why I have such courage. 

I no longer speak, only giving him a serious nod.

Both his breathing and heart beats can be heard, regular and steady.

Kiro: Since we’ve reached an agreement, should I leave another stamp?

Kiro’s voice is once again light-hearted, even carrying with it a twinge of slyness. 

MC: Wait! The most important thing now should be noting down the hard-earned inspiration before it goes away!

I grip several music sheets at the side, pressing them against his chest, attempting to flee from his arms.

MC: Get to work quickly!

Kiro: Why are you like this?

Kiro pouts, showing me his signature, puppy-eyed expression of dejection.

MC: I won’t be duped by your gaze again. I’m going to become a merciless supervisor, so you can finish your work before the deadline!

Seeing that his plan has been foiled, Kiro simply gives up “pretending”. With a smile, he grips my struggling wrist, pressing it to the side. 

MC: Where’s your professionalism? Could it...

A prolonged kiss seals up the words I haven’t spoken.

Kiro: It’s exactly because of my professionalism that I can say with certainty...

Kiro smiles, his sapphire-like eyes radiating an azure colour even more eye-catching than the clear skies of winter.

Perhaps he hasn’t realised it himself, but he looks at me with the most burning and clear gaze, sticking out the tip of his tongue. Like a dragonfly flitting across water, he wets his lower lip.

Kiro: Before my inspiration vanishes, there’s still time to act coquettishly with my favourite Miss Chips.

-

Phone calls: First // Second

[rq-s]

Title: Falling Down 

Pairing: Xu Minghao / NB!Reader

Genre: Light Angst & Platonic OR Romantic

Word Count: 2.9k+

Warnings: None. However, I do interpret the timeline and meaning of his lyrics loosely. I can’t and don’t claim that it’s the “correct” way to do so; he wrote it to be ambiguous for a wide audience to enjoy. Please watch the Falling Down Making Film for clarity.

Credits: ENG Translation of Falling Down 

Summary: You and Minghao have been consistent penpals since 2004, sharing each other’s cultures, languages, passions, and lives as you both grew up. 2014 came around and letter from him only came in 4 times, and only 1 in 2015. The last this you ever heard from him read he was a bird in a cage.

Notes: Italic = letter  ... = omitted letter content 

My Masterlist

Spring 2004

“How about this one, honey?” Mom handed me a postcard from a spot on the rack that I couldn’t reach. The large font caught my attention and told me it was a landscape picture of the closest national park. Though nothing in the picture was recognizable, it reminded me of camping, which made me smile despite having never been before.

“Sure.” Was all I said, and I followed her as she pushed our full shopping cart to the register and began chatting with the cashier.

Like usual, I quickly put the postcard on the conveyor belt along with the groceries. As soon as it was empty, I went to the bagging station and put the scanned and bagged items back into the cart. Making sure to the boxes and cartons together neatly like Tetris, careful not to squish the bread.

“What a diligent little kid you have!” The cashier spoke, her voice worn with age, but with a sense of joy that reminded me of a stereotypical grandmother.

“She always says I do it wrong.” Mom joked, smirking at me. She never did let go of my “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” attitude I had even as a kid.

 Mom finished paying, and we went put into the chilly morning air of the parking lot that was made even colder by the shadow of the supermarket. I once again moved the bags from the cart to the trunk and brought the cart to the nearest drop off spot while Mom started the car.

The ride home was mostly silent, save for the sound of the road beneath the wheels and the hum of the heater.

“Thanks for letting me do the penpal thing, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, but remember the deal; you get more chores to do. You’re 7 years old now, you can handle doing the dishes by yourself, right?” The tone of her voice was completely serious, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’ve been helping with the dishes for years, and I’ve learned from the best. I’ve got this!”

 When we got home, I scoured the bags for that postcard, and luckily it was only bent on one corner. I wrote down bit of info about that park - whatever Google told me, and set it aside. I grabbed the template application from my school binder and filled in the blanks. 

Hello! My name is _____________, I’m __ years old, and I am from ________! I am learning Mandarin, but I’m still a beginner. I hope to learn more about your culture and language as we exchange letters!

For now, I will tell you a bit about myself. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Along with this letter is a postcard and other information about where I am from!

I hope to hear from you soon!

Signed,

_____________

It was a pretty basic template that we had to copy from, and in retrospect, it was cringy as all heck, but it had to be formatted juuust right and follow the guidelines exactly, or the penpal program admin’s wouldn’t accept it.

From what I was told, someone from China who’d also applied and been approved would be paired with me, based on age and interests. Only this first letter was prewritten. Once we were paired up, the letters themselves and the mailing of them was up to me and my family. 

I was lucky I got a match at all, most of the kids in my class didn’t. I learned pretty quickly why: I was the only one who put “dancing” as an interest.  

Summer 2007

...

This was a frog I found at the lake! Mom got mad that I touched it, and when it jumped out of my hands and back into the water, it got mud all over us!! 

Later we had a barbecue and some other campers came buy, but their kids were teenagers and didn’t wanna play with me, so here is a picture of me pouting in the tent instead of having fun. 

...

This is the last one, when we finally got home from the long car ride. we all were sunburned really bad, but it looks like you can see freckles on my face because of it! 

Whenever either of us would go on trips, even just to the water park or to a festival, we’d take Polaroid pictures to send. Most the earlier pictures Minghao sent were of him at tournaments, then they turned into selfies from after dance practice. It wasn’t until they were in their teens that he began to take more artsy pictures, with the occasional selfie thrown in. He’d always put at least one polaroid in each envelope, and photography quickly became one of the many things he excelled at. 

Winter 2010

…

And I still can’t believe you were on TV!! Twice!!! All these letters… I can use them as blackmail someday when you’re a superstar! Muahah!!

I’m not nearly as good as you still, but Miss Lilly says my footwork has gotten a lot better! I wish you could teach me, but words don’t have the same effect as seeing it. I doubt I’d get it even if you tried to explain… and don’t even think about trying to teach me any martial arts, my brain will melt!!

…

My letters were always a bit longer than Minghao’s, and were full of run on sentences and unorganized thoughts. He was always clear and concise, yet sensitive. He always gave strong and encouraging advice on my Mandarin, but my English tips barely seemed to help him. I always cared more about getting to know him and telling my own stories than about practicing. Though, I don’t know what stories I had worth telling as a 13 year old. We contrasted each other a lot, and Mom said it made us a better fit for each other.

It wasn’t a weekly thing, but we always wrote when we could and has a steady back and forth. Sometimes the envelopes were thick, with many pages, postcards, candies, cool leaves or rocks we’d found, songs we had been listening too; things we cared about and wanted to share. But sometimes they were thin, barely a page long, with hastily written characters and a sincere apology. Both made me smile the same just the same – both showed how much he cared.

 Spring 2012

Perhaps it was because we were the same age, and despite not meeting, had spent so much time together. He somehow always understood me, and never made jokes when I was opening up about the less fun sides of life. He went at his own pace, and it took quite some time, but he eventually felt comfortable doing the same.

…

I’ve worked so hard for this, I know I’m capable, but I’m genuinely terrified. But I’m excited, too. I feel so overwhelmed and I don’t feel like I can tell anyone, they’ll worry, or they’ll tell me I shouldn’t do it.

I want to try. I want to be on that stage and in that tournament and I want to come out having earned something.

…

 Fall 2012

 Congratulations!! Now I can brag that I know THE Xu Minghao who won 8th at a WORLD DANCE COMPETITION!!!! I knew you’d do great. Yeah, you were nervous, but your hard work showed through!

As soon as I read the news online, I was so happy. Eight is a good number, right? I think It suits you. Even when you're laying down, you have infinite potential! That’s you, Xu Minghao, Number 8, my best friend.

Come to think of it, it's been about 8 years since we met, hasn’t it? it must be some sort of prophecy!!! Haha I’m kidding, but seriously… That’s more than half our lives. We’ve spent knowing each other half of the time we’ve even been on this Earth!

I’m really glad I know you, Minghao. I’d be lonely without your letters, I think. I hope I make your days brighter, like you make mine. I hope we never forget about each other.

 It was rare for me to get so sentimental, but he needed someone to be his fan, and I wanted to be the best fan of Xu Minghao I could be. Not to say I was the first, like I would joke about doing, but because he deserves it. I knew it from the way he talked about training, that he’d make himself a star someday, no matter what.

Because of this, though, it was this letter and onward that we stopped doing the copies and corrections. I noticed myself missing his teasing marks on my papers, or the cheeky smiley faces he’d draw when I did well. We stopped sending trinkets and polaroids too, so each envelope felt a lot emptier.

 Spring 2013

I’m really going to Korea now… The flight is in a few days, I’ll send you another letter from the new address as soon as I get there, so please wait for it!

…

I had bad dreams back then, about how things would be different, slower and distant. His letters were a significant part of my life, and I was afraid to lose that. Yet I was surprised he was even allowed to keep sending me letters. Retrospectively thinking though, it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to write to his family.

Was I like family to him back then?

 Winter 2013

I’m sorry for not writing you back sooner. The company has been really busy with Seventeen TV starting. I’ve been practicing a lot, I barely have time to eat or sleep, let alone sit down and write. There’s barely anyone around who knows Mandarin, and I’m still just learning how to make sentences in Korean, and they call me Myungho… Those who I can talk to are all boys, but they’re my friends, and possible group members, so I shouldn’t mind.

I miss your handwriting. Sometimes I reread our old letters, and notice that we’ve changed so much. But I keep every memory, did you know that?

I always feel better quickly. When I think about being on a stage, having fans singing with us and cheering for me… It makes me so happy that I cry, sometimes. But then I can’t help but think, “Will it ever be me? Or will I just dream of being there, and someone else will get the chance?”

That’s usually when I find one of your letters. The one you sent on my birthday a couple months ago, that you sprayed with that citrus scent? It’s my favorite, I relax so much when I read it. It reminds me of home, somehow.

I’ll try to write more often, I’m sure you’ve been patiently waiting. Let’s exchange pictures again, it’s been a while, right? I just really miss you.

 Was he like family to me? No… I think, back then at least, it was something special for me.

Summer 2014

Hey! I haven't heard from you since April! I miss you a lot, but I know you must be really busy. I’ve been trying to watch the previous Seventeen TV episodes when I can, the other boys seem funny and nice. I hope they all take care of you, like you say Junhui has been.

I’m always wishing you sweet dreams, I worry about how you’ve been. I wish I’d have asked for your phone number or email or something before, but now that you’re so busy and under a big company… I just hope these letters and postcards reach you well.

…

Fall 2014

…

Also, they’ve been saying I’ll qualify to be on SeventeenTV soon. The others are hoping it’s a sign that we’ll get to debut soon. You’ll watch it, right?

Things are looking bright for me and my brothers here, but I can’t help but feel full of dread. I can’t pinpoint why. Junhui said it might be stage fright, but I don’t feel afraid.

I know they all support me, and I support them, but I feel like I might disappear, and not even you would remember me. I know its not true but it’s what I’m feeling.

…

Winter 2014

I SAW YOU!! I watched it as soon as it released, I didn’t understand what most of them were saying without English subtitles, but I could understand you, and I saw you! I’m so proud of you Minghao, you’re an official member of Seventeen!! You’ve been working so hard, I’m sure you’re exhausted. Please try and take time to rest and heal before debut, all of you need it!

…

Spring 2015

May 26th 2015. That is the day I debut. I know we haven't talked much, but I hope you’ll be there in spirit. Thinking about you cheering for me makes it easier to handle. I’ll fight for you, for me, for them, and for us. I’ll try, even though things feel like they’re ending.

I’m going to be busier than before. I’m not sure about the contract, but I’ll try to still get letters out. For now, have this. Thank you for everything.

A layer of grey I can't escape Walls built of fear are colored all over with red Who will listen to the sound from the bottom of my heart at the end of the world(/day) There's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking I can't find love at all So why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Hidden by the dark clouds, helpless and pitiful Can't feel myself, light is lost Before the end of the world(/day), (I'm) yelling, sounds of pain But there's no one by my side Flee Flee

The world is collapsing, shattering, breaking After I disappear completely, (you) won't realize I once existed Why why why (Where will I ) fall, where Falling endlessly, falling in silence What did I ever do wrong

Missing someone you’ve never met is an entirely separate kind of heartbreak. I began to doubt every single thought and feeling I had, every single word I wrote, everything began to bleed between imagination, ideal, and reality. 

The Minghao I watched on the screen wasn’t the Minghao I knew, and I started to wonder if I ever truly knew him in the first place. I felt like a fool, and even then, I continued to be foolish. I wanted to believe I knew what he meant; that I understood him, but as the years went on, I got more and more lost.

They won awards, they went on variety shows, they released albums, they went on tours. They traveled, they worked, and they grew. I needed to believe I knew him, but Minghao and The8 are not the same. And as I grew to love The8, Minghao began to fade into the back of my mind. When I watched him try to express himself beyond his stage persona, each time I saw flashes of a beautiful bird locked in a rusted cage.

I always kept the letters.

They’re my private collection of memories between he and I. They were the only way I knew it was real. I could run my fingers over his handwriting, feel how he sometimes pressed too hard and left marks in the paper. I could see how the paper and ink warped when he accidentally got tears on it. I could look at his pictures from his childhood and know what he was thinking as he took it. 

I knew him.

Summer 2020

Hey, Minghao. It’s me, do you still remember my handwriting? Maybe it’s changed... No, I know it has, because I’ve changed as a person. It feels strange, I know what you’ve been up to, but you might’ve even forgotten my name. But I feel in my heart that you havn’t. Maybe thats wishful thinking.

Anyway, I’m so proud of you Minghao. You’re a superstar, just like you dream of being back when you first started dancing. You’ve become part of a family, and have so many fans cheering for you every single day. Congratulations!!

…

5 years. Does the smell of citrus still remind you of home? Of me? Maybe it just reminds you of the hard times you had back then. But I guess you’ve been reminiscing about that a lot lately?

I watched the video as soon as it came out, and I was shaking as soon as I heard your voice. That song isn’t a special piece of yourself that you shared with me anymore, but it’s part of your story for the whole world to see, and you told it so well.

...

I miss you.

It was finally time.

It was a fairly thick envelope, inside were many postcards of where I’ve been, quickly written notes as I reacted to songs and memorable moments, and full-length letters that never got sent.

It was so surreal to sit in front on him at this panel. He looks just like he did as a kid, but more refined, stronger inside and out. His aura intimidated me like I was seeing a skyscraper touch the clouds for the first time, and yet he maintained eye contact with me like I was a dandelion about to be blown away with the breeze.

“It’s me, Minghao.” The words barely drifted from my mouth, but they struck him like lightning as realization stealing his breath away. For a moment I saw his eyes twinkle, and the corners of this lips twitch.

A member of staff took the envelop away from him; he barely was able to read the label.

My time would be up soon.

His fingers intertwined with mine and he opens my photobook to his page with his free hand, looking down for only a moment to sign it.

The next Carat was nudging my shoulder already.

“Not yet.” I whispered both to them and to him with a squeeze of his hand. He did the same, like a beat of the heart, and then released. I watched his chest rise and fall with a deep breath as he gave the next fan the same focus and care he gave me. 

I forced a smile on my face as I scooted over.

Did he truly realize it was me? Why could I feel his heart beating faster from the tips of his fingers? Did he want to contact me all this time, or had he chosen to stop and was scared to tell me? Did he miss me too?  

My smile was only fake for a moment, though.

I was meeting his second family for the first time, after all, I needed to make a good impression. After years of keeping up with the group, it should have been easier to feel comfortable, and to be happy like the others.

Yet my hands continued to shake, their faces blurred and the sounds around me went quiet. My senses went in and out of focus like waves reaching and leaving the shore.

The warmth and the texture of his hand stained mine, and as i stared down at it after going back to my seat in the crowd, it felt alien. His hands are same hands that have been writing my name on every envelope for so many years...

I felt like I was falling.

[gellavonhamster]

good people

gen || Montgomery Montgomery & Bertrand Baudelaire || pre-canon 

ao3 link eng  || ao3 link rus

Monty Montgomery learned about the deaths of Count and Countess *** somewhere about two in the afternoon, in the lobby of the Biology Faculty of Gerald Durrell University of Natural Science. He didn’t know them personally, and that day he could not even recall their faces when reading an article about their deaths, just as many years later he could not – unfortunately – recall the face of their son, whom he did know personally back in the day and had met as often as not. At the same time, he could remember in detail the moment he heard they were dead – the hum of voices in the vast corridors of the faculty building, sunlight glistening on glass in the frames of photographs and newspaper clippings hanging on the walls, the sound of his own footsteps. He was descending the stairs, almost hopping like a kid because he had just managed to talk a teacher into letting him submit the report a day later, and consequently was in a splendid mood. Few things can compete with the joy that a student experiences when the deadline for a paper that still exists only as a title page gets postponed for a later date. Immersed in happy thoughts, he went down to the ground floor, and was just heading for the exit when he suddenly saw a crowd of students and teachers huddled together and discussing something animatedly. One of the students was holding a widely unfolded newspaper, and several people at once were reading something over his shoulder.            

“Must be a change of government or something,” Monty thought as he approached them. Frankly, the prospect of writing a paper in two days concerned him much more at that time than a hypothetical coup. 

“Ah, Montgomery!” shouted one of those reading the paper, Professor Stein of the Herpetology Department. Stein was always shouting: he had hearing problems. Now, on the other hand, a raised voice was more than appropriate, for too many people were talking at once.  

“Good afternoon, Professor,” Monty gave him a nod of greeting as he joined the group. Getting closer to the paper was impossible – the crowd was too thick. “What’s the news?”

“A murder, Montgomery! A crime story at its finest; the whole city is going insane! Come read.” At that, Professor grabbed him by the elbow and pushed him into the middle of the crowd, so that Monty found himself right behind the left shoulder of the guy with the newspaper.

He took a look at the page, found the piece everyone was reading, and grew cold.

“Poison darts! With snake venom!” Stein exclaimed. Monty winced as if in pain. The loud noises around him were distracting; he wanted to read carefully, turn each word round in his head, persuade himself it was not what he thought it was. Coincidences do happen sometimes, after all. “And where – at the opera! Right during the performance!”    

“Yeah,” someone to the right of the newspaper chimed in, “straight out of Gaston Leroy.”  

“Leroux,” Monty corrected mechanically. He was suddenly overcome with fierce and helpless anger. He stepped back. “I’m sorry, Professor, I really have to go.”  

Walking quickly, even quicker than back when he was urged on by the unwritten report, he headed for the door.

Well then, La Forza del Destino. Poison darts. Snake venom.  

And his flatmate, who went to the opera yesterday and didn’t come back home.  

 ***

 Bertrand asked him to procure the venom about a week ago.

It might have been Thursday, or maybe Friday. Monty was writing a term paper then, one that he could not set about writing earlier because he was busy doing other things, from the tasks assigned to him by VFD to attending the parties organized by other volunteers, which in some cases seemed as important to him, even vital at times. VFD gave him time to deal with the exam period, relieving him from participation in any missions for the nearest future – the pursuance of science was highly valued among their ranks. Many volunteers flaunted some academic degrees, but not many of them got those degrees officially, even if they deserved them objectively. Some Doctors and Masters among them didn’t even hold a certificate of Bachelor’s Degree. Fighting the fires, both literal and figurative, took up a lot of time and energy, leaving virtually none of it for attending the lectures or even distance education. However, the VFD members had connections – Had Connections even, capitalized – owing to which many of them got the opportunity to call themselves professors or academicians, although all their scientific contributions, sometimes absolutely groundbreaking, remained hidden from the general public.      

At the Biology Faculty, VFD Had some Connections as well, and if Monty wished so, he probably could obtain the Master’s or even Doctor’s Degree without much effort, but he had no such wish. He desired recognition and respect from the people outside the organization, desired to make discoveries that he could tell the whole world about – desired for everything to be fair. That was why he had spent the whole previous week in a kind of a time loop. Every day looked like the day before: writing, writing, writing, leafing through the sources frenziedly after another bookmark gets lost, sorting the materials collected in the expedition, drinking gallons of coffee, and occasionally sleeping. And feeding Maturin, of course. As to Monty himself, it was Bertrand who had been feeding him, which was very kind of him, because Monty couldn’t even afford the time to heat some ready-to-cook foods. Bertrand simply used to come into his room, not even knocking anymore so that not to distract him, put a plate of vegetable couscous or spaghetti bolognese or something in front of him, and leave before Monty noticed that plate. The dirty dishes he used to take away in the same manner, unnoticed. Monty had to yell “Thank you!” for the whole house to hear, to which Bertrand yelled back “You owe me!” from his room or from the kitchen. He was joking, and Monty knew that, but still planned at least to stand treat at the pub after the exams were over.      

That morning, Bertrand knocked on the door again – first came in, then knocked. That meant he needed Monty to pay attention to him.

“Hello, hello, hello!” Monty exclaimed, turning on the chair, immediately knocked one his books off the table, and bent to pick it up. “I am listening to you attentively, o dearest neighbour.”  

“You’re going to the uni tomorrow, aren’t you?” Bertrand asked.

Monty nodded. “Yeah, to submit this Frankenstein’s monster. Only the bibliography left to do.”

“You’re a hero,” Bertrand praised him. Monty thought so too, in all honesty. “Could you do something for me while you’re at it?”

“Buddy, I would’ve wasted away without you here over the last few days. What exactly do you need?”  

“I need,” Bertrand felt for something in the pocket of his trousers, took out some scrap of paper, and gave it to Monty, “a vial of venom of this snake.”  

Monty’s heart lurched. He skimmed the note.

“Oh,” he said. “No problem. There are a couple of excellent specimens of this species at the City Herpetological Centre.”

“I know,” Bertrand replied. “I thought of asking N or S, but I don’t know them well. I wouldn’t like to shoot my mouth off in front of the people I do not trust completely,” he sat down on the edge of Monty’s bed. “Not these days.”  

Monty noticed that Bertrand was trying not to meet his eyes.

“I see. Tomorrow it’ll be done.”  

“Thank you,” Bertrand smiled slightly, still not looking at Monty. Instead, he was looking at Maturin, the turtle, which was chewing on a salad leaf in its terrarium. The turtle was undoubtedly remarkable, but it wasn’t hard to see that Bertrand was rather looking through it than at it. Sooner or later that was bound to happen, Monty thought. Sooner or later, each volunteer had to do something… like that. Not necessarily related to deathly poisons and what very logically results from their use, but still something that made it difficult to look one’s friends in the eye. Like it was now difficult for Bertrand.

“Who?” Monty asked in a hushed voice. “I’m not asking about the name, I’m asking if you know that person. Or were you just given a description?”

“A description,” Bertrand echoed. He smiled again, wider and brighter, but still somewhat stiffly. “Don’t worry about me. I am not a child, I’ll handle this.”  

 ***

 “And so he did,” Monty thought as he was unlocking the door to his flat.

Bertrand was already home; there was no need to call their acquaintances or go to Kit’s place. When Monty entered, his flatmate was sitting at the kitchen table and rubbing his knuckles on one hand with the thumb of the other. His face was calm, without any trace of either tears or smile. It reminded Monty of the kind of “Closed” sign that people put on the shop doors on Sundays.      

“There you are,” Monty said, peeking into the kitchen. Bertrand gave a start and looked at him.

“Hi,” he said, and offered Monty a faint smile. It didn’t look too convincing. “How did the report thing go?”  

“They let me submit it later,” Monty told him. He didn’t know how to ask Bertrand about what was really vexing him, so he asked another question that was, in his opinion, appropriate in any situation. “Would you like some tea?”

“That would be nice, thank you.”

Monty went into the kitchen, took the teapot off the stove, shook it and made sure it was empty, filled it with water, ignited the burner, put the teapot on the stove. Having been in a hurry to check if Bertrand was home, he didn’t have time to take his shoes off, and was now stamping around the kitchen in outdoor shoes. “Gotta sweep the floor later,” he noted to himself. It came with experience – the skill of not forgetting about the dull everyday things like cleaning and cooking while your entire world was in a whirl and threatening to fall apart.    

“I saw the article in the newspaper,” he began as he took teacups from the dish drainer. Bertrand was still sitting at the table in silence, still rubbing his hands absentmindedly. “About the opera.”

“Yeah, I’ve already read it, too.”  

“You lied when you told me you didn’t know who the target was, didn’t you? When you asked me to get you the venom.”

“I did,” Bertrand agreed. He leaned back in his chair. It wasn’t hard to see by his eyes that he hadn’t caught even a minute of sleep last night. “Do we have any lemons for tea?”  

“Um?.. I think there must be some. Check the fridge. Why did you lie?”

“You had enough problems of your own. And you still do. I didn’t want you to worry about me as well,” Bertrand got up from the table, walked up to the fridge, and took out a bowl containing half a lemon. Having taken a knife and a board, he started cutting the lemon into very neat identical pieces. Everything Bertrand did was neat.  

“Yeah, you can want whatever you like,” Monty muttered. The teapot was still taking its time to boil, and just standing empty-handed and discussing the murder committed by his neighbour was unbearable, so he took a cloth and started cleaning the sink aggressively. That was not the first time he procured poisons required by other volunteers. Perhaps he hadn’t killed anyone himself – yet – but he suspected that in a sense he already was partially responsible for a number of deaths. It was scary, it was weighing down on him, it kept him up at night and made him drink and dance and party with a vengeance in the hope of forgetting himself – but that was him, and when it came to Bertrand, it was a hundred times more of a shame. Bertrand was a good person. Bertrand didn’t deserve to be turned into a murderer. Monty was hoping he could express that all in such a way as not to make it seem like his heart is aching not so much for his friend as for his own hurt feelings, but the right words just wouldn’t come.        

“You are one of the best people I know,” he finally began. Bertrand made a strange sound, something between a laugh and a sob. Monty turned and saw that he had already cut the leftover lemon and was now standing with an absent look on his face, clutching the knife. “Don’t hold the knife with the edge toward you. Fucking hell, B,” he raised his voice when Bertrand didn’t react. “Don’t hold the knife with the edge toward you, and put it down anyway!”      

The knife fell on the table with a thud. Bertrand closed his eyes, leaned on the tabletop with both hands, and lowered his head so that Monty couldn’t get a good look at his countenance.

“I keep remembering that he hit O several times when boozed up, back when O was a boy,” he spoke quietly. “He used to drink, you know – not every day, but he used to go on drinking sprees from time to time. O’s taking after him in that respect. I keep thinking back on it as if it makes an excuse for me, but it really doesn’t, you see? And she was innocent – I mean, the rational part of me gets that she wasn’t, I know who she and her husband used to finance and what they used to cover up, but all I can remember is that she was usually nice to O, and to B after she moved to the City too.” Now his voice was taut, his face burning with indignation, his former numbness gone without a trace. “How come this task was assigned to B, of all people? After they had basically accepted her as family?”        

Monty knew, personally and by repute, several Bs among their associates, but this time Bertrand didn’t have to specify who he was talking about.  

“I am angry they made you do this, you are angry they made her…”

“Because she didn’t deserve this,” Bertrand interrupted him. “Because she’s a good person.”

Monty realized that Bertrand was basically repeating word for word what he had been reflecting on earlier himself, and smiled sadly.  

“How willing we are to assure the others vehemently that they are good people,” he spoke. He was completely in agreement with Bertrand about Beatrice. She was not just fun, but also reliable, which was much more important. She looked after her own. She was vivid and loud and incredibly brave and incredibly loving, and Bertrand was right: she did not deserve this. “And never as willing to defend ourselves the same way. Perhaps that is where our hope lies? In our inability to turn a blind eye to our own faults?”    

Bertrand took off his glasses, inelegantly wiped off the tears that had broken out after all, and put the glasses on again.

“Monty,” he said gently, “you’re a good person too, you know that?”

Monty blinked, then blinked again, feeling that soon he might have to wipe off the tears too. Bertrand was one of the best people Monty knew, and he didn’t deserve to be turned into a murderer, and didn’t deserve to labour under such grave delusion about other people either – but the fact that someone still considered him a good person gave Monty confidence that despite all his wrongdoings, he still wasn’t a lost cause.  

He reached out and ruffled Bertrand’s hair.

“Sit down,” he told him. “The tea’s about to be ready.”

[savvywriting]

ENG 101: Dialogue Essay

In my English 101 class in Fall 2018, we were assigned to write a dialogue between two authors we discussed.

Dialogue: Stephen King and Gladwell As always, customer service was awful. Gladwell had been waiting for the young lady to come back with his coffee. If the coffee wasn’t so overwhelmingly delicious, he’d have been long gone by now. The people around him had the kind of volume of speech that cumulated into white noise. The light in shop was dim, but bright enough for reading. Everyone around him seemed to either be in a rush or have nothing to do at all. To his right he saw a young girl curled up on a chair, rapidly flipping through a book and sipping a to-go cup of coffee. To his left there was a group of men wearing business-casual attire and laughing a bit too loudly. Glancing over at a newspaper, he saw the title jump out, “Do you need to read to start a revolution?” Seriously? “I’m assuming by the look on your face you’ve read the title of that paper?” A voice said from behind Gladwell. He turned around to see none other than Stephen King standing in line behind him.

“Well yeah- it’s ridiculous,” Gladwell responded after a moment of oh my lord, it’s Stephen king monologue. “How can you expect to write about it if you can’t read it? History is written for a reason.” King inquired sarcastically. “Oh, unless you’re tweeting, don’t get me started on that!” Gladwell exclaimed, his voice rising an octave. “Actually, I think I’d like to hear that,” King pressed excitedly. Gladwell looked back towards the counter. There was still no sign of the barista. Well, if he insists… “I wrote a paper back in 2010,” Gladwell started, “It was about how the revolution will not be tweeted. While there is more social media these days it comes back to the fact that twitter is a tool, not the revolution itself. Looking back at Moldova, it was named The Twitter Revolution yet no change actually took place. In fact, almost no one on the scene even had a twitter account to begin with.” “It’s truly amazing the power of words,” King responded thoughtfully. He continued, “I doubt the people involved really read about social change and revolutions. If they had, perhaps they could have found a more effective way of bringing about transformation. I wrote an article once about how reading improves your writing, I guess that can apply to even tweets. By reading books, heck even Time Magazine, you can see the methods used for lasting social change in the past.” “I mean technically you have to write a tweet!” Gladwell joked, laughing at the thought of a tweet being considered valid literature. There’s no college course on the etiquette of constructing a tweet. Heck, the president probably uses Twitter more than the population of country combined. “I mean not to say that good things haven’t been brought about because of social media. Remember the bone-marrow guy?” “Oh yes!” King laughed, “If it wasn’t for the grapevine and passionate people on social media, then that poor guy would have never found a donor. It was heartwarming to see so many people putting in the time to make that happen. I suppose a little effort really does go a long way. Once again, if more people were to read articles on acts of kindness like this, it would bring a chain reaction. After all, reading induces action.” “That’s true,” Gladwell replied, “But with the vast amount of information coming to someone by a cell-phone, how do we know what’s real? What will actually have some degree of impact?” “I had a time with my son a while back,” King spoke, “He wanted to play and instrument, and, of course, I was very excited, but once he had the instrument he wasn’t so fascinated anymore. We had to force him to practice. I think that now people have resources like twitter it’s easier for them to not have to do any real-life activism. It is much easier to view life from a distance, though the screen, so to speak. Only actual circumstances will force them to act, as I did with my son.” “I can see that,” Gladwell rubbed his stubble-clad chin, “I suppose in most cases of activism you hear the pattern of ‘I didn’t realize how big of an issue this was until it affected me’ rhetoric. My paper outlined the dangers of social media induced activism. It’s clearly a two-way street, however. Just caring about an issue is better than nothing at all.” “Perhaps reading more engaging and truthful political content online will push people to reflect more before tweeting. Perhaps adding a sort of process to tweeting. This could make people reflect before they press the post button.” King agreed, “A main reason Martin Luther King jr. was so successful was how well-read he was and his ability to make ethical and knowledgeable decisions. “Excuse me, sir?” Gladwell turned to see the college-age barista back, holding a steaming cappuccino. Gladwell looked around once again, the girl from earlier was nowhere to be seen, her coffee gone without a trace. The business men were long gone, probably back to the office. They’d moved on to the next part of the day. As incredible as it was to have a philosophical literature discuss with the Stephen King, he should probably move on too. Research won’t conduct itself. Paying for the coffee, Gladwell responded, “if only a there was a manual on how to tweet effectively, then people would really improve their writing from reading.” “Yes, maybe that will be my next novel.” King said with a humorous expression. “Well, it’s been a pleasure,” Gladwell said, as they parted ways. “Truly a great way to start my morning,” King said, now waiting for his coffee. He looked around. The subdued light was perfectly matched by atmosphere of readers. On his right King saw a group of students counting their cash together, desperate for more caffeine. To his left, a small girl tugging on her mom’s hand while begging for a cookie on display. Now where was the barista? If the coffee wasn’t so great, he would be leaving right now.

Works Cited Gladwell, Malcom. “Small Change: Why the Revolution Will Not Be Tweeted.”

King, Stephen. “Reading to Write.”

[ktaebwi]

Dispatch ‘Dicon’ Magazine - BTS Issue (Full Translation)

KRN - ENG © ktaebwi Do not use for commercial purpose. Credit properly when reposting & re-translating.

Download PDF: MF

“People around me are very proud of me. They tell me “BTS indeed”, “You’re BTS” a lot. All of these are thanks to ARMYs.” (V)

“I want to be someone’s pillar of support*, I want to be your eternal singer. So I can’t lose you guys. If you go further away, I’ll pull you closer. I don’t know how to do it or if it works or not, but I’ll strive to not let go of you. Again, thank you and I love you.” (Jungkook)

(*literally “big person”, “great man”)

“When I look at ARMYs supporting me from backstage, when I look at us performing on stage, when you’re happy listening to me singing, I feel the biggest happiness.” (Jimin)

“Let’s not get weary and go together for a long time. Because we won’t even after 10 or 20 years.” (Suga)

“I’ll prove it again and again. Trust and follow me.” (Suga)

“If our music can be even a little source of help in your life, your dream, then our existence is worth it. In the future, there’ll surely be pain and trials, but I know well that there are many people who believe in us and like us. So we won’t be hurt when it pains us, we won’t be sad when it upsets us, we won’t fear when it scares us. This is how BTS will be.” (RM)

“Bloom like a rose, flutter like a cherry blossom, fall like a morning glory.” (J-hope)

“Only you need to know how hard you work.” (Jin)

“I’m your fans too. A fan who silently supports the loneliness, the battles and the life you’re going through. I send you my letters written with music and notes from behind the stage and at my studio. Hope you’ll read that sound that is me missing you.” (RM)

BTS, road to the sea

“Someone says my spoon is dirty” <MIC Drop>

They weren’t dirt spoons at first. Dirt, scattered by prejudice, covered them.

(*In the spoon class theory, dirt spoon is considered the lowest class in the society)

The rapper title is a luxury to you guys <We Are Bulletproof Pt.2> You have no power, I know you must have done something shady <Two! Three!> Small company’s idols with nothing special was my second name <Sea>

Suga said, “I didn’t want to get hurt, because it means losing to prejudice. I didn’t want to be upset.” The dirt spoons’ voices were heard. Mockery started. They didn’t throw it away, they buried it deep. They then met ignorance. They didn’t spit it out, they engulfed it. Ridicule poured down. They stood up against it with blood, sweat and tears. They are BTS.

LA November 2017, AMAs. The Chainsmokers introduced the 16th performance. The second-to-last performance, right before the ending.

“We are going to announce next performer. They are international superstar. Here’s BTS, which is having huge fan over here.”

Mnet M COUNTDOWN, June 13th 2013. BTS appeared. Their debut single was ‘No More Dream’, but they could no longer dream. Reality was reality. The company’s head, Bang Shihyuk, was met with doubts. “Isn’t he a ballad composer?” The name BTS was ridiculed. “They’re going to become cannon fodders.” The company, Bighit, was taken pity on. “They will never make it with a company this small.” And their genre, hip hop, was the subject of mockery. “Idols doing hip hop? What kind of nonsense is that?” In fact, it was bitterness from the start. “I thought the sea was here but it turned out to be a desert”. The first desert they faced was the trainee days. Dicon’s first question, too, is about their trainee days.

(Dicon) Seven members came together. No, seven dreams came together.

RM: I wanted to tell people my stories, with my voice, in front of many people. This was the start of my dream.

SUGA: Billboard, AMA... None of them was on my wishlist. It was too far away. It was a goal impossible to achieve. At that time, everything I ever dreamed of was for many people to listen to my music.

JUNGKOOK: Nothing was certain. Those days were so vague. I didn’t even know how to dream. The future? I only looked forward and ran.

V: Just becoming a trainee made me so happy already. Learning was fun. I could even dance every day. I spent my days working hard. At that time, the present was more important to me than an unseen future.

JIN: My dream was to hold a concert. I wanted to become one with our fans through our songs.

JIMIN: Meeting senior singers felt amazing to me. I wanted to become like them. They were so awesome.

J-HOPE: My goals were always clear. To stand on stage, to become the best, but first, it was to survive. Trainee days were a continuous survival game. If one comes in, another drops out. I had to endure in between. But...

But the ideal was the sky and reality was the ground. It wasn’t easy, like what their song said.

I thought the sea was here but it turned out to be a desert Small company’s idols with nothing special was my second name Countless of times edited out from broadcasts Being someone’s fill-in was our dream Some people said our company was small so we wouldn’t make it <Sea>

J-HOPE: It wasn’t easy having to part ways with my fellow trainee friends. They were like my family. That reality pained me so much.

RM: There were times I felt unsure about my future. Like my life is not +, nor it is 0, it’s just −... The thought that ‘oh, we’re still preparing only’ tired me out.

JIMIN: When I saw a wall showing up in front of my eyes, it felt like no matter how much I do I still couldn’t work it out? The wall of reality was higher than I thought. But still, I had no thought of giving up.

JIN: I started learning the choreography properly in preparation for the debut. I felt distressed because it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I kept getting scolded too.

JUNGKOOK: At that time we went through an enormous amount of practice, to the point that it was hard to handle it. But after we debuted, I felt like, like I’m a frog in the well*? I blamed myself that I was lacking too much.

V: For me, dancing was fun. No matter how hard practicing was , it’s something I like so I could endure. If anything, it was having to live away from my parents that was hard for me. I’ve been living away from them for a long time so I miss them.

SUGA: The cheapest meal they have near the company costed 6,000 won ($5.59). A 300,000 won allowance was nowhere near enough to live for a month. I took up a delivery part-time job alongside MIDI lessons. I had a car accident then. My shoulders were badly injured. I thought of giving up but... The members stopped me from leaving. The company also waited for me.

Suga also express his agony at the time through rapping.

The root of my creations has tasted the world’s sweetness and bitterness Those days trying to sleep on the bathroom floor now become memories Grabbing my shoulders crushed in a car accident during a delivery part-time job and debuted In front of whom are you all pretending you have had it hard <The Last>

They had each other. They are each other’s strength. Thus, You Never Walk Alone. Seven members walked together, encouraging each other.

RM: I remember I once said ‘Shouldn’t we at least perform at Olympic Gymnastics Stadium once before we die?”.

JIN: Namjoon’s always like that. He holds each of us and shouts out fighting. It motivates us a lot. I like laughing together with our members. It’s the reason why I could endure.

J-HOPE: The seven of us were chosen. Since then, we only looked forward and ran. We trusted and relied on each other. We shed blood and sweat together. We decided to try no matter what result comes and motivated each other.

JIMIN: The members told me. ‘I really hope you would go together with us.’ That’s the power of the words. I was able to work even harder. I already had a goal in my mind that is to go together until the end, so I didn’t give up.

V: It was hard, of course. It was inevitable. But I wasn’t the only one who had it hard. None of us didn’t have it hard. That’s why I gained strength even more. We gained strength from looking at each other.

SUGA: That’s true. The members were the reason I could make it through those days. They are the best stimulant. When the members practiced, I composed songs. It was also when I wrote the beats for ‘Tomorrow’ and ‘Agust D’ (mixtape).

JUNGKOOK: It was the day of the showcase. After coming down from stage, i felt emotional. I wasn’t the only one who felt so. We hugged each other and cried. I remember that day.

These wings sprouted from pain but they head towards the light Even if it’s hard and painful, if I can fly, I will Will you hold my hands so that I will no longer be afraid Because if you and I are together, we can smile <A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone>

June 12th 2013, they stood on stage for the first time as BTS. It was the birth of BTS. On the stage they desired so much, they rapped and ranced. They could endure even the wounds.

When I rap and dance on the stage that I desired so much, I feel that I’m still alive It was worth enduring the tiring and exhausting commute Because my people are watching me It was worth enduring even when my body hurts Because the cheers are surging in <Born Singer>

RM: I couldn’t think of anything. My thoughts were full of ‘I have to do well’, ‘I have to pull this off’, ‘I have to end this’, things that we planned. Our first stage ended like that. From the name, hairstyle, even the sunglasses, everything was a standing joke. Hurt? Maybe it’s because I tried to forget it, I don’t really remember it well now.

SUGA: When the response rushed in ‘Where did those kids come from?’, I was totally excited. I wasn’t really hurt by criticism. I heard a lot of it from before debut so...

J-HOPE: I only have good memories of the debut stage too. I got to stand on the stand I wished for so much. I still can’t forget that thrill. The cheers of people who didn’t know us still show up vividly in my mind. The problem was the next day. I guess I was too excited. I made a lot of mistakes during ‘Music Bank’ rehearsal. I remember being scolded a lot...

JIMIN: I didn’t have time to think about people’s stares and reactions. I thought if I work a little bit harder, I would get a little bit better. I practiced while monitoring.

JIN: I continued to observe even during other senior singers’ stages. And one more thing is, I envied of the support from (their) fans.

V: I don’t remember much the hurt I got back then. I already forgot everything. More than anything else, I was fascinated by the fact that I appeared on TV. I remember calling my grandmother and parents to ask if they had seen the music program.

JUNGKOOK: There was a lot of hate comments. But I have to admit, because I was lacking a lot then. If anything, I clenched my teeth and practiced even more days and nights. I would come to the practice room whenever I can.

What could be their next goal? They said it was “to survive”. In reality, they had to survive.

JIN: There was a lot of groups debuting around the same time as us. We couldn’t ease ourselves yet just because we made it to the stage. There were many times we didn’t get to perform the whole song too. Every time it happened, we felt really upset. We practiced even more desperately. We thought as long as we have the talent, we wouldn’t be pushed out.

SUGA: Competition at music programs was really fierce. We wanted to keep making music, so we wanted to stand on stage.

J-HOPE: I think it’s the same for every trainee. We were really desperate. Everyday, we thought that we had to survive on this stage.

RM: We had to show ourselves in a short time. We had to draw people’s attention. We were also well aware of the fact that there’s no next time. We had no choice but to prove ourselves.

JIMIN: It felt like tapping at the ground to go up? I couldn’t see anything in front me of. It wasn’t something possible with passion only. But still, the only thing I could do was to push myself endlessly. Like ‘this is no big deal’...

V: I met and part ways with many friends in my trainee days. I had to survive from there.

JUNGKOOK: I don’t know what kind of confidence I had. ‘I will become something’, ‘We will become something.’ I was certain.

If you can’t fly, run Today we will survive If you can’t run, walk Today we will survive If you can’t walk, crawl Even if you crawl, gear up <Not Today>

Their practice room stank of sweat. Their performances were excellent. Their rap was resonant. That’s how they stood out.

JIN: We were different from the start. It’s not our strategy to stand out, we only wanted to do music. More than anything,I trusted our members and followed our company. I wasn’t afraid.

SUGA: Yes, we weren’t afraid, but people were afraid of us.

RM: I have been rapping ever since and I love music, so I believed I could deliver it better than anyone else. Looking back now, there are many times I did not but...

J-HOPE: We didn’t compare ourselves to other groups. We did our own things. It can be shocking (to other people), but I hoped that shock left as strong ‘impression’ to them.

JIMIN:  We wanted to talk about the concerns teenagers had, because they were also ours. Hip hop was the best kind of music to showcase our thoughts.

V: I believed our strength is that we’re different from others.

JUNGKOOK: At that time, my top goal was the team. I couldn’t cause trouble to them. My ultimate task was to do good at my role.

Damn hip hop pride, idol rapper? Cut that bullshit They say my nature’s still that idol shit anyway and ignore me Give their principles to the dog and mock my name You all who only know to cloud the issue and ignore How you kill me? <BTS Cypher Pt.1>

BTS fought, with themselves. Like what V has said. “It’s important that we do well. I was certain that that way, we would be recognized.” In the end, the boys were right. Prejudice went away. Of course, it. was. no. coincidence. There was a reason.

RM: It didn’t change right away. It changed little by little. I think it’s from after ‘I NEED U’.

JIN: ‘MIC Drop’. A stage that many people said to be cool.

SUGA: ‘DNA’ stage at AMAs. It changed misunderstanding to understanding.

J-HOPE: There’s a song called ‘Born Singer’. It shows ourselves and our thoughts.

JIMIN: I recommend ‘Save ME’.

V: ‘MIC Drop’.

JUNGKOOK: ‘I NEED U’, ‘Dope’.

'Dicon' picked Jungkook's solo song 'Begin'. The background of this song itself is sincerity. Producer Bang Shihyuk asked them if they had any stress. Jungkook said, "I don't. I went (to Seoul) not knowing anything when I was only 15. It's what I really wanted to do so..." And he continued. "My only stress is that the hyungs I'm living with have to go through a hard time. I don't know about everything else. It pains me the most seeing them stressed. I hope they won't have to go through a hard time." He cried. Bang Shihyuk PD cried. J-hope cried. RM cried. Jin cried. Suga cried. V, Jimin too cried. And Jungkook sobbed.

That's how 'Begin' was born. Only, it wasn't just the beginning of Jungkook. Below are answers from the older members.

RM: I can never forget how Jungkook cried and said 'My stress is that the hyungs are stressed'. Jungkook doesn't usually express his emotions so it hit me even more.

JIN: It reminds me of how Jungkook cried in front of Bang Shihyuk PD. I felt sorry but also proud of him, and he also looked cute.

SUGA: We were stressed of course. Exhausted even. So every time I listen to 'Begin', I feel odd. But if I watch Jungkook's solo performance, I only have one though that he's cool.

J-HOPE: I'm proud of Jungkook. He tells his own story through his dance and song. It's a song that shows Jungkook's energy greatly.

V: I still remember what Jungkook said while crying. That story is reflected fully in the song.

JIMIN: We gain strength even more thanks to Jungkook. It's the 'Begin' of all of us.

When I was fifteen, I had nothing The world was too big and I was too small Now I can't even imagine How I used to have no scent and empty I pray Love you my brother Thanks to my brothers, I had feelings and became me <Begin>

The dark night passed and the morning shone bright. What could be their motivation? One certain thing is, it's time to raise thumbs up.

RM: Faith. I always try to show that my faith wasn't wrong. Maybe that's why I always attempt something, because I want to prove (my faith).

SUGA: Pride. Our fans like our music and wait for our stage. I wanted to give them pride.

JIMIN: I had a goal that I want to achieve. By my side, there are the members and the fans that are always together with me.

JIN: The reason we could endure through it is thanks to our fans. They gave us love so I couldn't disappoint them.

J-HOPE: That's correct. Our fans are our biggest motivation. When I look at fans who love our music, I feel that I'm still alive. Thanks to them, we could become who we are now.

V: Thus, 'ARMY'.

JUNGKOOK: I wanted to bring them good performances and music.

In the end, every story concludes with ARMY*. It's always like that. Every conversation with them ends with ARMY. Of course, the ending of 'Dicon' should be ARMY too, shouldn't it? "If we are together, even the desert becomes the sea" was especially heartfelt.

(*literally "gi seung jeon ARMY". "gi seung jeon gyeol" (起承轉結) is a kind of writing structure, with 起 representing "the introduction", 承 "the development", 轉 "the twist", 結 "the conclusion". "Gi seung jeon ARMY" is a word play based on "gi seung jeon gyeol", meaning it ends with ARMY.)

RM: 'Can the desert become the sea?' is my endless self-doubt and self-examination that I have been holding since predebut. It was the biggest answer to that question. I couldn't help tearing up knowing their love for me.

JIN: I wonder when they prepared it to move us this deeply. I was so thankful. My tears couldn't stop.

SUGA: Lately, I'm more easily moved to tears. Perhaps it's a sense of security, or fear, or happiness, or sorrow. These complex emotions just flood in.

J-HOPE: The fans' events never fail to give me chills. I know their devotion and sincerity, so when that energy's conveyed (through the events), the synergy explodes. They moved me greatly. I'm always thankful to them and love them.

JIMIN: If I could express how I felt then in words... I would be able to write a few books. That moment made me realize 'that's right, our fans are always by our side'. I'm so happy that I keep tearing up.

V: When I read the messages the fans send, I think of the hardships I went through. Sometimes it also makes me sad, the thought that we're finally seeing the light.

JUNGKOOK: I could feel everything on that stage. ARMY's breath, voices, ARMY's cheers, tears. I'm moved greatly every time I see the fans. I made a great decision becoming BTS...

So, letters to ARMY?

RM: I'm learning about the meaning of 'us'. It's like there's no longer 'us', just the many moments of 'you' and 'me'. I want to learn about the true meaning of 'us', where we are truly together, with ARMYs. I hope each and every one of our members can mean 'us' in that sense to ARMYs. We may be living somewhere in the world, doing different things. But we are breathing together through music and performances. I want to comfort them through all the loneliness and solitude that humans can't help but embrace, and live in this world together. That's what I want to do.

JIN: Thanks to ARMY, my time at where they said to be the desert felt like I was at the sea. Thank you for making me happy. I love you.

SUGA: It feels like I’m flying so high. I see so much and so far away. I thought I would only feel happy above the clouds, but sometimes when I look down, I feel scared. I take courage from the fact that we’re flying together. I’m afraid of falling, but I’m not afraid of landing. Thank you for being with us. I’m forever grateful and love you.

J-HOPE: Thank you for always supporting and loving us. I’m happy to become your hope.

JIMIN: ARMYs. I believe you know how I feel when I look at you. I can take a step forward thanks to having you beside. I’ll work hard to show you more and give you bigger love. I love you.

V: I hope you won’t get hurt and your every day will be filled with happiness only. I really love you.

JUNGKOOK: I’ll always be here. ARMY can come to see us whenever you miss us. And you can leave whenever you have to leave, or whenever you want to. But please remember this one thing only. I’ll always be here.

Thank you, for letting me be me For letting me fly For giving me wings For folding up the me that's once wrinkled For breaking the me that once felt suffocated For waking the me that once lived in only dreams When I think of you, my sky clears up So I throw away all my sorrow Thank you, for becoming 'us' <Save ME>

To 'Dispatch', it's not the end until it wraps up. The same for 'Dicon'. This page hasn't end yet. There's no room for doubt when it comes to BTS. Like The Chainsmokers said, they're ISu. International Superstars. Should you be jealous of their success? No, failure brings experience. These spells by BTS are their encouragement dedicated to all challengers in the world.

RM: Sometimes we have to erase many things so we can fill them up again. I always chant 'do it' to myself. 'Believe in myself and just do it'. Not 'do well', but 'just do it'. It'll turn out well after.

J-HOPE: Believe in yourself and move forward. It's the first step to success.

JIN: I always chant 'I am the best' to myself. I believe in myself and support myself by thinking 'It's okay, I can do well'. You'll do well like magic.

SUGA: The world has never let us dream, nor has it ever taught us how to dream. They say it's your fault, but it's not. Don't blame yourself. It's okay to lean back when you're tired. If someone's tired, become their pillar of support. This is the reason why I started making music. I hope our music can become your little source of strength.

JIMIN: If you have a goal you really need to achieve, don't look back. Don't hesitate, give it a go first. If you have a path you want to follow, follow it. That way you won't regret.

V: You may fail, you may fall, you may despair. It's natural. Just don't give up no matter how much you fail, fall, despair. If the thought of wanting to give up crosses your mind, I hope you'd overcome it and stand up again. Even if you can't trust yourself, do it for the people that put their faith on you.

JUNGKOOK: Don't regret things in the past. First, look at the reality and think about what you can do. Arrange what you need to do in order and resolve one by one. At some point, you'll get what you wish for. We'll support you too. Don't feel tired.

Everybody say NO! There's no later Don't be trapped in someone else's dream We roll (we roll) We roll (we roll) We roll Everybody say NO! It's now or never You haven't tried anything yet <N.O>

Tomorrow, keep walking We are too young to stop Tomorrow, open the door Too many things in front of our eyes to close it Follow your dreams like breaker Even if it breaks down, oh better Follow your dreams like breaker Even if it falls apart, oh Don't turn back, never <Tomorrow>

“We stood up again. Before we knew it, we were already running. Awaiting us on that road was the dream of seven boys.”

“When ‘Begin’ was made, Jungkook told us in tears. ‘When I was a kid, I wanted to sing and dance. Seeing hyungs go through a hard time is the hardest for me.’ Hearing him say that, we all cried.” (2016)

“We weren’t tired because there were seven of us. No one stopped. Then came the debut day. Criticism flooded in before the cheers ended. It felt like dreams, passion, hard work were all powerless.”

Episode #1 “Being able to hold a concert itself is happiness.”

Who could ever guess what spectacular events were awaiting. Just one year ago, it was simple. Rap Monster shared, “Finally, we get to hold a concert at Gocheok dome. We will show you the best performance we can bring.” BTS was excited, and so was Jimin. Excited at the mere thought of standing on stage. “Being able to hold a concert itself is happiness. I’m practice to show you better performances.” Jungkook showed expectation. “I’m even more excited about this concert. We’re more relaxed compared to past tours. I think we’ll get to interact with fans through this stage. Suga was focused. “There’s a lot to pay attention to in the concert. We have to match to the smallest details. My goal is to wrap up without making any mistake.” No one could expect what grand events were waiting for them one year ago, even a year ago. They were just doing their best to complete the current tasks. And three months later, they flew to Las Vegas, where Billboard award ceremony was held.

Episode #2 "ARMY sent us here."

Billboard Music Awards. 'Top Social Artist' nominee. Their rival is pop star Justin Bieber. "They're going up against Bieber? Anyone can see Bieber would win for sure!" After all, Bieber took home trophies for this category the last 6 years.

Finally, Billboard award ceremony. "They're going up against Bieber? What about Bieber's fans?" Numerous fans surrounding the Magenta Carpet. They were shouting BTS' name. Blasted there was the song 'Fire' It was foretelling that they would win.

BTS was well aware, that the Billboard red carpet is the flower path fans laid for them. RM said, "I only think of fans of course. ARMYs made this 'Top Social Artist' award (possible) for us." Jin added in, "Yes, that's right. ARMY sent us here. We'll work harder. We'll continue to do our best in the future. Thank you." "I don't even know what surprise awaits anymore now. We made it here thanks to the support from ARMY. I wonder what is waiting for us ahead..." Yes. Like Jimin said, Billboard was the start for these international superstars.

Episode #3 “Actually, we are really nervous.”

May 21st 2017, V had a stomach ache. Finally, it was the day of BBMas. They were the first idol group to be nominated for ‘Top Social Artist’ category. At MGM Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, V was nowhere to be seen. He showed up a little bit later. “Sorry, I had a stomach ache so I was late.” V’s image was (somewhat) chic and cool, so it was unfamiliar seeing him shy. But it was heartwarming. We asked if he was nervous. The members all said in chorus. “Actually, we are really nervous. We just pretend to be relaxed. We’re so nervous.” 2017 Billboard Music Awards red carpet, Jungkook was clutching his handkerchief tightly.

“(After debut) What we faced was indifference, cold shoulder, ridicule. Dreams couldn’t exist in the night of the desert. The road ended. We sat down, but we didn’t give up.”

Episode #4 "Hello."

If you ask about BTS' DNA (habits), we will unhesitatingly pick 'greetings'. Formula of greetings, commandment of greetings, providence of greetings, evidence of greetings...

First, 'formula' of greetings. J-hope asks "Have you eaten yet?". A totally untrendy (?) greeting. That's why it's even more affectionate. He takes care of even the youngest staff's meals.

'Commandment' of greetings. Take a look at V. On the last shooting day for DNA jacket photo, V left early due to another schedule. He asked the manager to greet for him through Kakaotalk. "I had to leave without getting to greet you. Thank you for your hard work." (From V)

Jimin knows the 'providence' of greetings. "Our fans really like the photos (Dispatch) took." So Dispatch worked harder to take better photos. Doesn't matter if it was a white lie or not.

RM showed his concern instead of greeting. "The waiting time's getting longer. You must be feeling bored right?" Jin showed up with his game console. "Can I sit here and play games for a bit?" He added. "Shall I explain this game to you?"

Suga composes music at night. His days and nights are reversed. Sometimes, he would off and suddenly wakes up. "There was a heavy traffic jam right?" He wasn't sleep talking. It's the evidence of greetings. Jungkook adds, "It must be tough for you having to come all the way here."

“We must cross the desert to reach the sea. We walk again to find another desert. We move forward, together.”

Episode #5 “LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her”

What BTS has to surpass, is BTS. So did they outdo themselves? September 2017, a month of continuous tough schedule. More than a week of time was spent to shoot the jacket photo and music video. They put their heart into every shot. On the last day, they attempted to film an one-take shot. It would show a continuous opening starting from V to J-hope, RM. Just one misstep, one second of losing focus and it would be an NG. The movements needed to go smoothly. Again, it was the last day of shooting. They couldn’t help but feel tired. But BTS laughed, thanks to the oldest and youngest member. The older, Jin, and the younger, Jungkook, chatted and teased each other, even showing slapstick gags. Laughters rang through the tiring day. ‘LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her’. BTS made it. They set records.

Episode #6 "We had the photo of our life at LA airport."

That photo was nowhere near a life shot. It was bare taken, out-focused due to being pushed by foreign fans. But J-hope and V gave thumbs up and added it was "the best photo". We were embarrassed. Calling a lucky shot 'the best photo', it was probably their way of thanking for covering their news at LA. We know that this is their kindness. BTS' kindness. It was their heartfelt words that made us drop our weapons, take off and throw away our 'bulletproof vests'.

Episode #7 “You will watch our performance right?”

“You will watch our performance right?”... What confidence they had. An AMAs performance on top of that. We asked their order. “When is your turn?” “We don’t know too.” They replied cheerfully as if it was of no importance. AMAs director wanted BTS to have a collaboration stage. Like the one Psy had with MC Hammer, they wanted BTS to perform with famous stars. But BTS politely declined. “The seven of us are the coolest on stage.” This is BTS’ pride. They have been together for seven years. They shed blood, sweat, tears, and the fruit they bore was the AMAs stage. The DNA that is matching steps just by looking into the eyes. America went wild. They were blown away by their synchronized choreography, charmed by their live singing. This was the start of international superstars.

T/N: - The quotes are from various sources: concert ending ments, album thanks to, Twitter posts,... not from this interview itself. - Episode #8 is about records BTS set with ‘LOVE YOURSELF 承 Her’, so I didn’t translate it.

[sundaynightnovels]

WIP Questions Tag

Wasn’t tagged, but saw @ratracechronicler​ doing this and I liked the questions so I decided to give it a go as well!  Everything is based on the 1st completed draft of my novel, so... of course things might probably be very different once I’m done editing it. 

1. Describe the plot in one sentence.

After death, people struggle to move on.

2. Pick one sight, smell, sound, feel and taste to describe the aesthetic for your novel.

Sight: A dusty, barren town at twilight. Smell: The passing scent of water from a nearby lake. Sound: Wind weaving through the empty stalls and shop carts. Feel: Slightly nostalgic, slightly bleak. Taste: Bittersweet

3. Which 3+ songs would make up a playlist for the novel?

This is so difficult!!!  1) Birdy & Rhodes - Let it all go 2) JJ Lin - 伟大的渺小 (Little Big Us)  [eng lyrics] 1) has a bleaker overall feel but it’s heading towards the hopeful, like searching out or seeking a better place, while the 2) has really a more hopeful and empowering vibe towards it, just like how the title says. Do give both a listen! That’s the two songs I can think of so far!

4. What’s the time period and location in which the novel takes place?

Ahahaha. It’s a fictional Chinese setting of the afterlife, which has a geographical continuity to the living world.

5. Are there any former titles you’ve considered but discarded?

Nope. 

6. What’s the first line of your novel?

7. What’s a dialogue you’re particularly proud of?

Yes, I’m always proud of my lame jokes. Also, I remember cackling so so so hard after writing this that I had to message my friend about it... even though she didn’t even know that I was writing something / the context behind it. (ugly laughter)

If you still can’t tell, yes i love Shou and the ridiculous things / dialogue I can make him say.

8. Which line from the novel most represents it as a whole?

9. Who are your character faceclaims?

Don’t have any! 

10. Sort your characters into Hogwarts houses.

Shou: Ravenclaw

Zhen: A Hufflepuff in denial

Lu: Likely a Ravenclaw / Slytherin, but he passed away too soon to really develop any potential / to really be able to grow into it

Ren: Hufflepuff 

Yu (f): Hufflepuff / Ravenclaw

Yu (m): Gryffindor 

Jun: Slytherin 

Teng: Hufflepuff

Jia: Slytherin

11. Which character’s name do you like the most?

What. Okay. Uh. Shou and Lu, because of the puns they make throughout the series about it.

12. Describe each character’s daily outfit.

I’m terrible at outfit descriptions. There isn’t much fashion description in my novel either HAHA. 

13. Do any characters have distinctive birthmarks/scars?

As of now, no.

14. Which character most fits a character trope?

I don’t... really know??

15. Which character is the best writer? Worst?

Well, Yu (f) writes on a daily basis, but that’s for her job. If you’re talking about weaving poetic (which is also mentioned in my novel), it’s probably Shou & Teng -- to levels of ridiculousness. 

16. Which character is the best liar? Worst?

Zhen’s the best liar. She can lie about the clothes on her shirt, even if you’re conversing face-to-face with her. I wanted to say Jun, but he’s more of an evader than a liar.  Shou can’t lie. He jumps through hoops to lie, and everyone sees through them because his legs get caught in the hoops and he trips over air and because -- you know, hoops are visible. 

17. Which character swears the most? Least?

Zhen probably, and Lu would eventually pick up on it. Maybe Jia as well. Shou and Ren and Yu (m) don’t swear.

18. Which character has the best handwriting? Worst?

Yu (f) has the best handwriting because well, she has to write for work. Teng’s handwriting is like a bear blob. As in, his meaty hands only manage a vague ugly ink blob when writing.

19. Which character is most like you? Least like you?

I... don’t know?? HAHA. Uh... I don’t exactly model any character after myself, and because it’s my writing, all of them are at least a little bit like me? Maybe I’m more of Yu (f) and Shou, and least like... Teng.

20. Which character would you most like to be? Shou, just because he’s such a bundle of positivity and joy. I’m tagging @xiuguri @inexorableblob @stuffylana @dionian-gayce @inked-waves @cabaretofwords @quiescentwriting @monstrouswrites @things-waiting-to-be-written @somuchtowrite @pens-swords-stuff && whoever else! I love doing these and I love reading these types of writing tags, so please do it!!

[noiseartists]

BLACANOVA: Warm and sunny dreamgaze from Seville

Blacanova are from Seville, Spain, and were created in 2006. Their music incorporates a wide range of genres, such as Shoegaze, Noise Pop, Dream Pop, Post Punk, Psychedelia or Post-Rock.

Their music is sometimes similar to Slowdive’s with a hint of My Bloody Valentine, but without the coldness or remoteness that you can find in the incumbents’ music. It is like listening to a warm Dreamgaze fire, sitting with old friends, a nice whisky (or cup of tea) in hand, comfortable. There is very little anguish or anxiety. I find their music leaves you at peace. It does not create more stress in your life, rather the contrary.

In this, Blacanova is a quite rare band, in genres where the music is more often than not a bit disturbing in its soundscape or arrangements. There is always warmth to be found in their music, maybe coming from mixing the soft female and male voices, always present in the forefront.

The only slightly grim part of their work are the LP and Ep’s covers. You can have a look on Bandcamp. you will see it is closer to Hans Ruedi Giger than to Eugène Gauguin.

I also love the way the use Spanish in their song and blends it so well with the music.

This, and their beautiful and talented music work, are the reason why I love Blacanova, possibly one of the more underrated Dreamgaze bands around.

Some history

In 2010, the band publishes its first LP with the label Foehn Records, titled homonymously Blacanova. Qualified as one of the most original and interesting proposals in the national independent scene by diverse prestigious written and digital publications (Rockdelux, Go Mag, Mondo Sonoro, La Vanguardia, Hypersonic, Playground, etc.), the LP is considered one of the best albums of the year in numerous lists of different media. After several advance digital singles, Blacanova presents at the end of 2012 his second LP, "How do you see the world a horse? ", edited by the Barcelona label El Genio Wrong. With his second LP, he also receives excellent reviews and appears in numerous specialized lists, the sound of Blacanova is consolidated from two basic elements: some letters that play with the desolate, macabre and at the same time hilarious deformation of the everyday and a musical discourse based on vocal games, layers of reverb, distortion and rhythmic patterns that they oscillate between slow and melodic developments and outbursts of powerful intensity. In the spring of 2015, the band released their third LP, "Devastated Regions." In this new installment, Blacanova repeats edition with The Wrong Genius and recording in the La Mina studios, by Raúl Pérez (McEnroe, Pony Bravo, Pumuky, etc.). The mastering is done by Doug Van Sloun in Focus Mastering (Omaha). The new LP is a step forward in the trajectory of the band and a different album in many aspects, betting on new and surprising arrangements (synthesizers, wind instruments and string) that share protagonism with the already characteristic guitars in compositions that are enriched with denser textures and worked. Dynamics and contrast are the basis of a disc where the game is important and not allowed borders when it comes to experimenting with sounds, structures and voices. The band has also released songs with other international labels, such as Series Two Records (USA), Slanty Shanty (USA) or TBTCI Records (Brazil) and has appeared in compilations edited by media such as RockdeLux, Go Mag, etc.

Blacanova currently consists of:

Manuel Begines (bass guitar, keyboards),

Inés Olalla (vocals, keyboard)

Eduardo Escobar (drums),

Cristian Bohórquez (guitar, keyboards, programming),

Paco Arenas (guitar, keyboards, programming),

Armando Jiménez (vocals, melodica, xylophone).

When asked what their music is about, the band tells us:

Blacanova incorporates a wide range of genres, including shoegaze, noise pop, dream pop, post-punk, psychedelia and post-rock. Dark, dense, hypnotic are adjectives used sometimes to describe our work by the musical press.

Our musical discourse is based on vocal duets, multiple reverb layers, lots of feedback, distortion and intensity outbreaks. We really enjoy including new arrangements in our recordings (synthesizers, strings, winds, etc.) which share the spotlight with guitars and create both dense atmospheres and luminous textures.

We always tried dynamics and contrast were essential in our albums with no boundaries to experiment with sounds, structures and voices.

THEIR MUSICAL WORK

You can find Blacanova’s musical work on Bandcamp. To date, it consists of:

Infidelidades Múltiples en "Úrsula, 10 años por amigos", song, 2002

Monja​, EP, June 2007

Perro​, EP, June 2008

Madre​, EP, March, 2009

Blacanova, LP, May 2010

Checoslovaquia, Single​, April 2012

¿Cómo ve el mundo un caballo?, LP​, September 2012

El Abrigo, single​, July 2013

La Soga, single, ​February 2015

Regiones Devastadas, LP​, March 2015

El Abismo, single​, December 2017

Zoe, single​, November 22, 2017

La Cabeza, LP​, January 2018

The music work is so vast that it is difficult to present all the LP and EPs individually.

One thing is for sure: when you listen to their work in order, you can hear how it matures over the year. Like a good wine. It does not change recipe or style, but improve their song-writing and arrangements knowledge, getting slowly at ease of who they are and what their music is.

To continue the wine allegory, their music is a very nice young wine at the beginning, turning slowly in a “grand cru” as the years progress.

Here are a few songs (one song by EP or LP in chronological order) to discover their music. for more, all their work is on Bancamp.

THE INTERVIEW

The Band

Where are you from? Where are you living now?

Inés, Edu, Paco, Villa and Armando are from Seville (Spain); Cristian is from Ceuta. We are all living in Seville or very close to this city.

What did you study?

It's a kind of bizarre mix, which includes grades like Psychology, Journalism, Engineering and even the horrible Business Administration.

What is your day job at present if any?

Another bizarre mix. Sometimes interesting, sometimes boring.

Do you dream to live from your music or is it a passion you do not want to spend your full time on?

It's really complicated to live from our music. You know, I am afraid this is far from ‘mass media music’, at least not in Spain.

You have a great history. Could you tell us more?

When we started, we never thought that we could release four LPs and a number of EPs and singles. Our released music reflects our history, we think, specially our evolution and feelings through the years.

Could you tell me how the band meet and decided to do music together?

It started as a kind of goth/ dark wave joke between friends at the very beginning. Nevertheless, Monja (2007), our first EP, mixed all our shoegaze, dream pop and post-punk influences for the first time. Perhaps we got our own style with the first LP (Blacanova, 2010).

Can you tell me the inspiration behind your band? You can detect the influences of shoegaze and have a very unique sound. You took all these influences to make your own music, your own sound, which is not easy. Could you tell more?

A number of shoegaze, dream pop, post-punk and even post rock bands are an important influence in our music. However, we think we got our own sound working on some pedal effects, keyboard and guitar textures, irregular melodic structures and vocal arrangements. Bass and drums were always clear and forceful. Furthermore, lyrics are important in our songs.

Was there a vision of sorts or did you know what you wanted to do when you started up

We were Shoegaze and post-punk music fans, so we knew what we wanted when we started up. However, we always tried not to do just ‘genre music’, but looked for an own identity.

Do you have any other musical side projects apart from this band?

Yes, we do. In fact, we are now focused on these projects. We are very proud of ‘La Cabeza’ (2018), Blacanova’s last LP, and we really enjoyed working on these songs. However, after the release of this album on January, Blacanova went on a hiatus and we are working on our side projects. Cristian, Inés and Paco are members of Martes Niebla and released their debut EP last April. They are going to record their first LP over 2019. Cristian is also making music with Escuelas Pías (they released their second LP on November). Villa, Edu and Paco are recording their new songs as Beladrone these days and they hope to release their first album this year too. Finally, Edu is also playing with Ultra Lutra. So, we really don’t stop making music at all.

Could you tell me more on the band composition?

Regardless of the demo’s origin, we always worked together with our songs.

Can you tell us more how you came to have the band’s name?

The band was named after Olga Baclanova, the leading actress in Freaks (Tod Browning, 1932), though her surname was changed slightly for phonetic reasons.

The Creative process

Who writes the song and the music and how do you get to the final song? Is it a community process, do you have leaders in composing or arranging music?

It has always been a collaborative process. We never believed in composing / spiritual leaders for Blacanova. It always sounded quite ridiculous between us ;)

Do you listen to the advice of your band mates? What would you do if they said a song was shit but you liked it?

We have always tried to work with the songs in order to get the band’s general approval. And most of the times we got this, probably because we have a shared idea of the Blacanova’s own sound.

There’s a degree of unconventional songwriting with you guys. Was it kind of intimidating going to record knowing people might not be engaging with the songs in terms of hooks and such and trying to deliver an engaging sound on record?

We have tried to be honest with our likes and dislikes. There is no sense in making music you don't believe in, even if some (or a lot of) people are not easily engaged with your songs. However, we never thought our songs were complicated or not easy to hear and enjoy. Perhaps it's just a question of time and relax. We always recommend not to do many things while you listen to our music. Just listen to it and enjoy it when you are not in a hurry.

Talking about the lyrics: who write them? Is there a common thread in them, a theme?

Most lyrics are written by our two singers: Inés and Armando.

Do you have a message that you want to get across in your music? If so, what are some of the messages you want to spread?

Our lyrics tend to be quite disconcerting and play with the distressing and hilarious distortion of everyday reality. There are many literary and cinematographic references in them too.

Did your listening habits changed over the years and does it affect what you write?

Probably they did. We have always tried to be aware of new bands and new sounds.

How is your recognition going worldwide? Is it growing? Are you happy with it?

We think our music has been well respected by Spanish music critics. Of course we are very far from being a massive band. Even some people say we are a kind of cult band or something weird in Spanish music.

We had the chance of recording and playing all these songs over more than 10 years. We also had people supporting us from different countries. So, it has been very nice and great for us. For a band like us it was really amazing to send some vinyl records from Seville to Shoegaze fans in countries as Indonesia, Chile, Poland, USA or France.

The path to music

Is it easy to find producers and studios where you lived for indie-rock? Your recorded sound is very good, which is not easy. Did you engineer the sound yourself, or did you have a sound engineer with you? If yes could you tell us more about him/her?

It is not easy to find top studios here, but we were very lucky with Raúl Pérez and his studio ('La Mina’). He is one of the best indie producers and sound engineers in Spain and we worked together from our very beginning. Raúl coproduced all Blacanova's songs with the band. We know each other very well so it was very easy to work together all these years. Probably Blacanova's songs are not easy to mix given the high number of tracks and sound layers we include in each song, but Raúl makes it easier.

Was it a community work to try to have the best sounding music possible or mainly driven by the sound engineer or by the band?

Always a community work. We were quite obsessive with some arrangements, textures and sounds. Raúl is a patient man ;)

Can you tell us how the recording process was?

Our recording process has always implied a hard pre-production work. We start with some demo songs, but, before going into the studio, we try to record all the keyboards and programming. After that, we usually record all the songs live, to get the rhythm and bass elements. Afterwards, we introduce the other elements. Mixing is one of the most important parts for us, as we also take it as a creative process, using ambient and modulations as very powerful tools.

How did the recording work differ over time?

Every time we record new songs, we are different people with new abilities, knowledge and new musical influences, so there is always an evolution, even in our tastes. As we always work with the same producer, he also bring new elements every time.

Is the recording material yours when you are out of a studio or do you borrow/rent it?

All the instruments are ours, but we use a lot of studio gear that belongs to the producer.

Did getting the live experience across on record create any pressure for yourselves in the recording process?

We think on how we would like the songs to be, so that is how we record them. After that we adapt them for the live performance.

Instruments: are you mainly a Fender band? Could you tell me what inspire you to use fenders rather than other brands?

Yes, all our current guitars are Fender. We use Jazzmaster, Stratocaster and Mustang bass guitars. We have sometimes been into other brands, but we love Fender, mainly Jazzmasters, because of their clean and bassy tone.

Do you have one favorite instrument or do you change often?

We usually stick to one instrument. We have sometimes changed, from guitar to synths, for example, but not very often.

Tell us what you are looking when trying to achieve your sounds? Do you experiment a lot or have a clear idea of what you want?

Sometimes we are looking for a sound we have in mind, other times for any specific one we have heard in a song. We have been experimenting all the time, mostly with guitar effects, and we can say that every record we have made sounds different in that way.

Who is the more knowledgeable with pedals? You use them a lot, to great effect.

We use pedals for guitars, so the guitar players (Cristian and Paco) are the ones who know more about them.

How many concerts a year would you do on average and what would be the size of the venue?

Depending on the year, when we released our second album, we did more than 20 concerts. That is the average when we release new material. We usually play in small venues, with an average capacity of 200 people, more or less. We really enjoy that kind of ven0ues.

MORE ABOUT THE BAND

Some good videos to watch

Some live videos

TVE (Spanish National TV) 1

TVE (Spanish National TV) 2

SIF Festival

TWIN PALM Festival

Some video clips

First LP: “BLACANOVA LP” (2010)

“Serie B”

“La Piel Dura”

“Debe Ser”

“Un Santo Oscuro”

“Los Buenos días”

Second LP: “¿CÓMO VE EL MUNDO UN CABALLO? (2012)”

“La Migala”

“Elabrigo”

Third LP: “REGIONES DEVASTADAS” (2015)

“La Soga”

“Tara”

“Nocturna”

Fourth LP: “LA CABEZA” (2018)

“El Ángel Exterminador”:

Their presence on the web

You can fin Blacanova’s music there:

Bandcamp

Spotify

Deezer

Youtube

And follow the band there:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

[dailyjeons]

BTS account 13/10/18

didn’t do merch cause i did that in london, didnt go for studio cause that was probably not feasible with how our lines were going (at least i was too scared to do it).. sucks cause i didnt get allowed into the london booth while in the amsterdam booth everyone was queue-ing up anyways and getting in lol

bolding the subjects so you can skip parts that dont interest you

pre concert stuff So I was going to the concert with a person(Julie) I met through tumblr, she responded to my message asking if people wanted to queue up in GA with me cause I was alone. She was with a group of people and they basically adopted me so that was nice!!  Julie was super kind, constantly looking out for me, for my anxiety too and just I really loved being with her, time really flew!! We prioritized looking out for eachother over seeing the boys so I was really happy bout that! We basically queued up at 7AM in the 'unofficial line' that later on became the official one! Campers were sent out, I believe, but they probably came back early still! We still had a fairly decent spot I suppose? The camping out itself wasn't too stressful but I had a lot of anxiety bout being in the pit in a crowd of people, not havin bathroom breaks and being on 2 hours of sleep gjkfg Julie tried to reassure me through all of that. there were some fans giving out some stuff in the line!! like arts and stuff and i got this from a jimin fansite, i think she was japanese? 

it was so funny basically she did rock paper scissors with fans to determine if they’d win.. i lost but she gave it to me anyways?? LOL she didnt give it to anyone else that lost LOL

gettin into pit Eventually we got in and fortunately my tickets worked!! We like rushed into the left side but the view was not bad, ok, then we tried for the right side and we got similar views? But I think overall it was just a little better! We were around the sixth/fifth row in the pit but we moved up a bit to the fifth/fourth during the concert. I had a fairly good view on the stage, and could see the boys clearly!! I still used my iphone to film cause of the amazing quality zoom it has and i have so much gooood footage ahhhh my hands are super shaky though so thats annoying but oh well, its something! they like handed out water very often thank god so i could cool off and drink durin the concert!! we had to stand for like 3 hours inside so i was getting really nervous but once the concert started it was fine!!

concert Anyways the concert itself was mindblowing? They're actually sosososo good live it's actually insane how they sing live through their choreo or while bouncing around. Tear is still my favorite performance but the crowd went a little too wild around then so i didnt enjoy it as much :( They also did the medley I prefered (w Baepsae) which made so happy cause i got to experience both medleys now jdskfhfsdf.. i do feel like the performances were better for the London date, but the interactions and the boys happiness were on a much higher level in Amsterdam, especially with jungkook flying around trying to dance!! That said I felt like the crowd fell a little bit flat.. When the Jimin/Namjoon VCR was playing everyone was screaming initially for both but after a hot minute they like only screamed for Jimin?? The silence was actually deafening so Julie and I decided to help with Namjoon's screams then, and it was so disappointing we were legitimately the only 2 people screaming for him in such a venue lol. Crowd did however go wild at Kim Seokjin's performance, and IT'S WHAT HE DESERVES. Overall I think Seokjin and Jimin had the best reactions in Amsterdam, and London both.

impressions on boys As for the boys. Gonna be honest with y'all I was so busy filming Jungkook solo all day that I didn't really notice others?? fdjkghdf since i already had thel ondon date i figured today was jungkook's day now i had sights on him proper.. Some notes, Yoongi, Jimin and Namjoon spoke some Dutch and it was super cute!! Yoongi did it first fjgdkhfdg 

Yoongi: Super smol but big hands, and fluffy cheeks (he bloats really easily lolol) his see saw performance was REALLY good today too, i feel like reaction to seesaw is the best, everyone's always singing the whole song w it while most of the crowd struggled with their title tracks in both london and amsterdam LOLLL yoongi must be so proud over it.. also he's the first to speak in dutch to us but it was like really suddenly right before they were performing so nobody really noticed fjghkdfg and u know when he makes a dad joke and he smiles flustered, but nobody reacts to his jokes.. he did that thing LOLLL

Namjoon; very long and slender, his legs are legit 70% of his body and he went offffff today like when he's into shit like tear i cry cuz oh my god merCY kjdfhgdhjkfg Namjoon seemed to really love Amsterdam tbh he kept talking bout stuff to do while the others had fairly standard stuff to say, with a lot of repeat from the london concert too (which is fine vconsidering its hard for themt o speak in eng too)

Hoseok: He looks a lot sharper irl?? im not sure if i said differently last time, but now i saw him up close he's definitely much more handsome, cameras dont do him justice.. also he always has the most gentle smile on his face and it calmed me down a lot jkfgh

Taehyung: tbh im not sure if i missed him but i didnt really see him on my side a lot? i think like a few times i tried to film but couldnt really get it..?? julie did tho.. he's kind of.. small? but not small like yoongi but small like i'd confuse him for a high school kid.. BUT his face?? is really smth else his face is SO small but his features are sooooooo big and sharp.. god himself shaped this boy

Jin: ok yeah this man is 10000% more handsome irl liek i was filmin jk and lost focus and then jin appeared and i almost dropped my phone cause what the fuck?? hes GORGEOUS.. he didnt do the forehead/glasses look today though, unfortuantely cause jesus christ that was something else. he was bein a crackhead to jk again today rofll

jimin: he's legit a fairy irl lol it doesnt make sense.. like.. he's... really pretty....... super super super pretty, guys like legitimiately glowing.. he was super playful today and he seemed really happy to perform on his birthday which is super pure considering.. who likes working on their birthday? he like moved his dressshirt/blouse off shoulder a bit during the fake love portion of the set and oh ym god h..e..........HE... his collar... i want 2 kiss it.......platonically.

as for jimin's birthday.. omg he's so cute? they were at the extended stage when his birthday message came up (a message in dutch) and he like instantly rushed back to the main stage to show off his birthday message and he proceeded to talk in dutch about how it's his birthday, and how army are his gift?? it was suuuper cute!! imagine Jimin practicing his dutch just for this moment fdgkjhdf

jungkookie!!

Anyways onto ma boy!! Jungkook is absolutely unreal pretty. He didn't look as bloated/pained today so i guess i saw The Jungkook today and he's so.. sharp looking??? like his jawline and cheekbones are insane and like the dimple?? ughhhhh he looked a lil smaller now i was upclose but his thighs were still gods gift.. also he did forehead kookie instead of coconut kookie, i remain blessed.. he always hears my prayers..

throughout the show he was honestly super cute, he kept dancing in his chair to the choreo, spinning in circles while doing it, hopping around the stage slowly to wave and look at every fan.. he even looked towards me at some point but i legitimately dodged and turned away cause like I FELT SO GReaYS ANd i'd rather not have him see me like that lmaooo anyways it's so super cute how despite his injury he still tries to give it his all at all times, and now he could walk around he's instantly back at trying to make interactions with all fans?? a precious baby honestly!!

his ending ment was really-really sweet as well and it always amazes me how eloquent he can get when he gets to share us his real feelings.. i really am glad he's not too disappointed in himself anymore and has reached a point where he's just working on getting better instead<3!!

other than that, just like in london.. jungkook's vocals are insane. i don't care that he's not top tier vocalist in terms of technique but he got smth completely else and thats' how comffortably he can move around in his range and remain stable and it's just.. so amazing to hear him hit certain notes with almost.. ease? voice never cracks even after 23948234 songs it's so sickkkk

anyways this was definitely one of the best nights in my life.. despite allt hes tress and anxiety.. i’m sosoosos glad i went through all of this for that.. i had the greatest company and ended up having the greatest experience<3

[chariflare]

let’s go with the literary masters (eng. translation)

Requested by @super-sexy-commando-kyouko​! They kindly provided me with a link to the song, if you want to listen to it. 

Dictionaries give the titular 文豪 as "literary master", which is a mouthful not used in English, but "famous authors" doesn't really have the right implication. And that's why there isn’t a translated title for "Bungou Stray Dogs", folks! 

Information on a lot of the stories mentioned isn't readily available in English, so I’ve put in some cultural notes. Also: I love this song

Title: 文豪でGO! Artist: Uesaka Sumire (上坂すみれ)

ENGLISH

Literary masters go go! Go go go! Literary masters go go! Go go go!  Souseki versus Tolstoy! Let's go! Literary masters go go! Go go go!

On one side: His masterpiece is "a cat" – "I am a cat" On the other: War and Peace, getting sleepy, every time I read it I get sleepy

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the winner - Tolstoy! A-ha, sleepy's the best! 

Literary masters go go! Go go go! Literary masters go go! Go go go! Ougai versus Dostoyevsky! Let's go! Literary masters go go! Go go go!

On one side: His masterpiece is Takasebune – an Abe Family for Sansho the Bailiff On the other: Crime and Punishment, getting depressed, every time I read it I feel depressed

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the winner - Dostoyevsky! A-ha, depression's the best!

Literary masters go go! Go go go! Literary masters go go! Go go go!

Couldn't write my manuscript today either I kind of want to pack my bags and run off into the night The faces of my readers appear in my mind It's all to make you smile

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write to you Just write, write, I'll write to you Just write, write, just write, I'll write – hope my feelings reach you!

Literary masters go go! Go go go! *4

Say royalties! Say royalties! Say serialisation! Say serialisation! Say manuscript payment! Say manuscript payment! OVERTHROW THE EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT

Ah, I can't write - no matter what I do, I still can't write [TN: she uses "wagahai" (see “I Am A Cat”); possibly implying being she's so tired she's slipping into a ridiculous pronoun] In times like this - I play the theremin!

[Theremin solo]

SHOOOOOOOOOOOCK! I've got it!

Literary masters go go! Go go go! *4

I could write, I could write, I could write to you Ah - I could write? I could write? I could write to you Ooh, I can write, I can write! I can write so I'll write! Deliver my feelings to you

Literary masters go go! Go go go! *4

Say second edition! Say out of stock! Say best seller! Say literary prize! Say Mincho typeface! Say typos! OVERTHROW THE EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT

Say So-se-ki! Say To-l-sto-y! Say Ou-ga-i! Say Dostoyevs-ky! Say Checkhov! Say Nagai Kafuu! OVERTHROW THE EDITORIAL DEPARTMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT

TRANSLATION NOTES

You don’t actually need to read all of this to understand the song, lol. Content warning for suicide (marked on the individual entries).

Natsume Souseki: Poet and author from the Meiji era (around 1860 - WWI).  During this era rapid Westernisation occurred in many aspects of society, as Japan had just opened up to the outside world. Another book he's known for is Kokoro (Kate Beaton did some comics on it). He also appears in Dai Gyakuten Saiban (during his stint as an exchange student in London) and Bungou Stray Dogs (... as a cat).

I am a cat (Wagahai wa neko de aru): A satirical novel. The joke of the title is that "wagahai" is a pronoun used by the upper class, but the protagonist is a cat owned by a poor teacher. From experience with anime, it tends to only be referenced in name as a joke. (As far as weird 1900′s satirical metaphor goes, this is way more reasonable than Gogol's The Nose.)

Mori Ougai: Another Meiji-era writer. Was a military surgeon, but also worked as a translator and critic. Apparently he and Souseki sort of invented modern Japanese literature! He seems to like the Edo era. Less well-known than Souseki in the West.

Takasebune: (CW: Suicide, euthanasia) A short story by Ougai. Named after boats which travelled down the Takase River from Kyoto to Osaka carrying criminals to be exiled - the whole story is just a conversation between the man and his police guard on one such boat. 

The plot: The protagonist, Kisuke, wants to go to jail - he was so poor it'd have been better than life on the outside. His younger brother fell ill and, not wanting to be a burden, attempts to commit suicide. The attempt is unsuccessful; Kisuke finishes the job so the brother isn’t left to die slowly and painfully. For this Kisuke is arrested. He has no regrets.

The Themes: 

From a synopsis article: "Can the man who assisted his younger brother, suffering from illness, in committing suicide, really be called a murderer? Is euthanasia moral? And what is the meaning of the other theme of the novel, "to be satisfied with one's life"?"

A quote (paraphrased?) from Ougai from the article: "When people are suffering from illness, and they will someday die, people will certainly feel that they want to let them die, to not prolong their suffering. [...] Our traditional morals order us, "leave them to suffer", but in the medical world we have a different way of thinking [i.e. voluntary euthanasia]". Basically his experience as a surgeon informed this book. 

Sanshou-Dayuu (Sansho the Bailiff): A novel by Ougai, based on a story from a medieval storytelling musical performance art thing (sekkyoubushi, "Buddhist sutra-based ballads accompanied by the shamisen"). You can read the plot of a movie based on it on Wikipedia.

Abe Ichizoku (The Abe Family): (CW: Suicide, euthanasia) Another short story by Ougai. Based on a real life event where the whole Abe clan was slaughtered after their leader committed seppuku (ritual suicide) without permission. This linked into events IRL at the time, where a general had committed suicide following the death of the Emperor Meiji (also covered in Souseki’s Kokoro).  Research on this got too long so I put it in a separate post.

Theremin: A funky electric instrument you play by waving your hand between two antennae. Matching with the Russian versus Japanese literature theme (?), it was invented in Soviet Russia (though after the Meiji era, in 1920).

Editorial department: In English this appears to refer to newspapers (?), but the Japanese term tends to refer to ones in publishing houses.

Kafuu Nagai: Another Meiji/Taisho era writer. He was big about France and red-light & entertainment district stuff (dancing! prostitution!). Possibly influenced Japan's France obsession.

Mincho: A set of default typefaces used for writing Japanese. They have a slight serif. The font in Microsoft Word is MS Mincho.

References:

https://honcierge.jp/articles/shelf_story/6247

https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/山椒大夫

https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/阿部一族

http://www.ndl.go.jp/france/en/part2/s1_1.html

English Wikipedia articles for all authors, stories where available (I am a cat, Kokoro, Takasebune, Sansho), and Ming/Mincho.

[hikariobsessions]

[RANT] IkeSen’s Uesugi Kenshin - The Yandere

...Also known as “Why you shouldn’t be afraid of portraying character flaws.”

DISCLAIMER

This is another personal opinion post, (one I’ve been saving for a rainy day); this time addressing a more specific topic regarding Kenshin, which I mentioned briefly, but tried to avoid on my previous post about IkeSen’s Translations (because I didn’t want to spoil things too much and I’ll try not to reveal too much here as well). 

But it's specifically in response to an observation outlined in this wonderful paragraph by @rizosrojizos​

Another possibility that occurred to me just now is that the English team may be inclined into political correctness? That is, that they have a fixated negative understanding about what a yandere is, or that they don’t understand yandere Kenshin at all—things that get lost when trying to translate one culture into another. Maybe they fear that if they portray a more faithful translation of Kenshin and MC’s relationship, we, as a western audience, would complain about them “promoting” toxic, abusive, and manipulative relationships and possible Gaslighting or Stockholm Syndrome. That could explain why English MC is on guard and a smart mouth around Kenshin–so that we see her as a strong person, a fighter, and not a weak-minded victim. 

- I’m mainly doing this post ‘coz I’m sick of a certain stupid internet joke that got me ranting about Beauty and the Beast to my hapless, irl friend.

- Cybird’s localization team and writers are beginning to worry me about the portrayal of my favorite character, Uesugi Kenshin but I’m trying to be optimistic. (I’m gonna post this anyway before they release it)

- There will be some major spoilers in this (probably) about Kenshin’s route specifically (both routes) BUT go ahead if you don’t mind being spoiled...

- I change my usual tone compared to normal posts for rants out of impulse and the free-for-all nature I’m approaching this particular post type.

- Again if the title didn’t already warn you, this is a Rant. It’s going to be long and caked with profanity which isn’t particularly aimed at anyone, but may or may not offend some people. You have been warned, and do proceed with caution. IT’S FUCKING LONG. >.>

With that said, let’s get on with it, shall we?

Fears of portrayal

Maybe they fear that if they portray a more faithful translation of Kenshin and MC’s relationship, we, as a western audience, would complain about them “promoting” toxic, abusive, and manipulative relationships and possible Gaslighting or Stockholm Syndrome.

OKAY...

The short answer is, yes, certainly the Cybird English localization team can have inhibitions when portraying the ‘yandere’ trope. But we might just be putting words in their mouths at this point. 

Here’s the thing, Western audiences aren’t the only people that are against/or would complain about “toxic, abusive and manipulative relationships.” Japanese content makers (I imagine) also have an awareness of what kind of shit they put out in the world, and the Japanese audience, the kind of things they tolerate. 

And the portrayal of Kenshin’s yandere, I reckon, had that awareness; and he wouldn’t be the character that he is today, if they didn’t take into consideration the appeal he needed to have to feature in a fucking dating sim and win the hearts of women across Japan (apart from his noted Ikemen status).

In saying that, there’s no tangibility whatsoever (as far as I know) in assuming how cultural products are received by international audiences, so from my point of view, it’s all speculation and delves on the uncertain to the point where the conversation doesn’t necessarily get us anywhere (she says as she writes another long-ass post about the topic), unless Cybird decides to step in and give us their two cents.

BUT addressing Kenshin’s Yandere a bit more specifically based on my experience of his route...

Here are my two cents (or rather, an insane number of words for another fucking Tumblr post.)

In the same way that people & characters can be pushed into a generic stereotype, they can also be quite the exception to it. Characters are meant to portray humans most of the time or have some humane qualities about them (just look at all the Pixar movies). And as we all know (fucking hopefully) humans are much more than just one characteristic, or a label put on them. 

Take a look at Nobunaga, for example. I could call him the Domineering type or in Japanese ‘ドS’ [which vaguely means ‘Dominant Sadist’ in a way], but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s fucking ticklish, eats fucking candies or has a big-picture ambition; it’s just one aspect of his personality.

That’s why I don’t think there’s any reason for the English localization team to be scared to portray Kenshin, and his ‘yandere’ side, even if they are trying to be “politically correct”. That’s part of who he is. But it’s also not everything about him. I’m quite the individual exception, but for someone who doesn’t have that much experience liking ‘yanderes’ or has not been exposed to much anime tropes, Kenshin still became one of my favorite characters in the game. To each their own. 

***BTW I can appreciate people who are turned off by it; that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that. I can totally understand.*** 

***SORT OF SPOILERS***

To me, Kenshin’s ‘yandere’ aspect in the main story was portrayed as sort of flaw that kept him from striving for a healthier way of living. And that’s something he overcame (with the help of MC) and was part of his character development. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t completely go away by the end, it just calmed down into a healthier and more playful aspect of him.

***END OF SORT-OF-SPOILERS***

On to the next point...

...they have a fixated negative understanding about what a yandere is, or that they don’t understand yandere Kenshin at all...

I’m living in the hope that Cybird and their localization team are not looking at these characters 2-Dimensionally and, personally, I know that’s arguably not the case from what I’ve seen of the released characters so far in the ENG App. So I’m praying to god that this isn’t what happens.

This might be a bias in terms of process as someone who writes my own stories...but when writing characters, or more specifically, translating characters that have already been created, don’t judge them, or at least aim for understanding first. This is advice also given to actors and directors in filmmaking when thinking about how to portray characters for the screen. Judging them is the audience’s job, not the creators.

If you judge them before you try to understand them, bias/agenda is going to show in every aspect of your work. That defeats the general purpose of storytelling, which, to me, is to convey ‘truth’ about the themes, the characters of the story and the human condition as a whole. 

***Pardon the sudden hippie vibe that the last line kinda conveyed. But I digress.***

So...if the localization team judges Kenshin based on a fucking anime stereotype and tries to “fix” him because they have this fucking inhibition about crossing cultural fucking boundaries...Just. Ugh.

Here’s @mischievouslymasamune ‘s post on these cultural differences as well.

Also for those of you who want to raise the argument of Stockholm Syndrome and whatnot...

Or you know...

Keep reading to obtain a modicum of cultural knowledge of what it is, and the issues pertaining to it. Up to you ^_^

Let’s veer away from IkeSen for a moment and look at this other cultural media that’s been in the spotlight because of the same goddamn internet joke that is fucking Stockholm Syndrome. Does anyone know what it is? I mentioned it in the disclaimer ^^^

Here’s a well-meaning media student, similar to myself, talking about it...

***The main points I want to focus your attention towards are between [1:56- 11:22].....but the entire video is worth a watch if you’re one of those people who is passionately declaring “STOCKHOLM SYNDROME” against the original Beauty and the Beast movie. IT’S NOT ABOUT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.Thank you.***

BUT THE MAIN TAKE AWAY (as in quotes and shit from the video):

Lindsey Ellis (video person) said it best here...

“Your uninformed observation doesn’t make you smarter than the media you consume; it just means you’re not paying attention.” - Lindsey Ellis

So let’s all be informed, shall we?

Here’s a brief definition of Stockholm Syndrome:

Stockholm Syndrome which is also known as Helsinki syndrome is a mental illness developed by the hostages to cope up with the situation. The mental condition or the feelings actually arises because of the bond that develops between the hostage and the captor while performing intimate actions. In simple words we can say that Stockholm syndrome is the emotion that develops among two people where one person physically and mentally harasses the other one. -  Pramod Kerkar, MD, FFARCSI,  ePain Assist

As for Gaslighting...

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. -  Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D. , Psychology Today

But this is for Cybird’s localization team in particular if they are actually scared of portraying Kenshin in this way. Don’t, as Ellis observes, “miss the forest for the trees” whilst also only having “a passing pop culture knowledge of either forest or trees” when it comes to Kenshin’s route.

Now I know there are only a few people out there that have actually played the JP App and Kenshin’s route, and those of you who haven’t can only take my word when it comes to this post. 

I’ll try hard to add-in appropriate screenshots/quotes whenever I can find them to back up what I’ve seen in the stories. But with that being said...

Let’s go back to Kenshin now, shall we...?

***Also - The definition of ‘yandere’ I’ll be using, is this one and this one***

Because of recent events in the English app and how Miss Sass (English MC) has been vocal about her ‘Mr. Sad-Dangerous-Murderer’ encounters with Kenshin; he has been depicted so far as nothing beyond that. 

Maybe they’re just setting it up, maybe not; maybe they’re trying to act consistently with how Miss Sass has reacted to Kenshin in the released routes so far...maybe not. Who knows? I’m not Cybird. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was the former, and if you’ve read my previous rant, you will already know how I feel about Miss Sass. 

The main problem I think we have with regards to this story, I suppose, is the fear that it will be depicted as an abusive/manipulative relationship in Kenshin’s part. ...There’s also the fear that Miss Pure (Japanese MC) was subject to Stockholm Syndrome and hence, Miss Sass would also be..... *SIGH* 

You all need to give more credit to Cybird’s Japanese team. Seriously. 

Remember what I said above about characters fitting into a stereotype, but also being quite the exception to them? 

Well, here’s Kenshin breaking stereotype:

Mr. Crazy inside and out

...the Yandere is sweet outside, crazy inside... - TV Tropes

- From the moment she meets him, Kenshin has never taken on the facade of a gentle, sweet and caring person. Instead, it’s the opposite. He scares people so as not to get close to them. But MC starts to see beyond that.

Translations:

MC: ...You know, at first glance you really come off as cold and unfriendly but... I can’t help but notice the part of you that’s kind and has this strong sense of honor.

Kenshin: What kind of dull joke are you spouting out now?

Little by little, I began to see Kenshin’s true self. While also never bringing to light my role as chatelaine for the Oda Army.

- Kenshin’s Yandere is crazy inside and out. In other words, the craziness he holds inside him manages to seep out into his actions, whether he’s conscious of it or not. This is seen, not just in how he acts towards MC, but also against Sasuke and other people that are close to him (often a comedic interpretation). 

- His unhealthy violent yandere nature is honest and well-established from the get-go, but not lauded. Especially, by the MC. She questions his love for war, and further on into the story she sees it as a flaw that he has that’s been influenced by his past and needs time to heal

Mr. Too-innocent-or-in-denial-about-his-feelings-to-be-manipulative

MC: “Is there something wrong with other people seeing me? Will it somehow cause trouble for you?”

Kenshin: “I don’t know. But just imagining it somehow makes me feel unpleasant.”

- In the beginning, there are no pretenses when it comes to how he has resolved to live according to his values. He likes war, so he lives and plans on dying for it. He likes sake (alcohol) and pickled plums, so he eats and drinks as much as he pleases etc. etc.:

「乱世の生は短い。ならば、せいぜい己の自由に生きるのだな」

“Within these chaotic times, life is short-lived. With that in mind, all one can do is live freely to the best of their ability.” - Kenshin to MC

- In this sense, he isn’t manipulative. He’s way too straightforward for his own good and arguably, somewhat innocent because of that.

- The only time when he's consciously in denial of his own feelings is when it comes to MC because of his ‘issues’. Even the term ‘conciously’ is debatable.  He can’t even explain it himself for crying out loud. ^^^ see screenie above.  

- Also, his actions when he has MC imprisoned seems to be consistently at odds with what he says/thinks himself while she’s in there (bunny army, a moon-gazing date, bachelor pad tour etc.). 

The fucking prison wooing Shenanigans of Mr. God of War. I mean seriously if you’re gonna be a kidnapper/captor, at least try to be a dickhead. (NO. PLEASE DON’T. I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE)

I want you to smile. -Kenshin, probably.

This is THE BIG ONE.

....but the Yandere's jealous, possessive and obsessive nature won't let them accept the possibility that the person they love can be happy without them. - TV Tropes

Apart from the fact that he has her locked up, in no way does Kenshin act as an abusive captor. He doesn’t harass her into liking him. He doesn’t try to overpower her, mentally, to get her to stay with him. Do we all remember our definitions above ^^^? If not, scroll up and let’s keep on being informed.

This doesn’t mean he isn’t “PROBLEMATIC”. This doesn’t mean he isn’t “POSSESSIVE”. In his main story, Kenshin’s possessiveness comes from the fear of losing MC, and his backstory explaining why he is the way he is. But again, even with that in mind, his “possessiveness” is never put on a pedestal or lauded, especially by MC.

PLUS the MC certainly isn’t ignorant of the ‘issues’ that Kenshin has --- but at the same time, she doesn’t try to overlook the genuinely good man behind these flaws (backstory or not).

<<<MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS AFOOT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED>>>

「教えろ。どうしたら以前のお前のように笑顔になる」

“Tell me. How can I make you smile the same way you did before?” - Kenshin to MC

OKAY.

I was looking for references and stuff I’ve written down, and I couldn’t stop myself shedding a tear while looking back at Kenshin and MCs interactions. MY HEART WAS BEING STABBED REPEATEDLY FOR THE SAKE OF THIS GODDAMN POST. 

I just...gnnhh... *dies briefly* ---> *is resurrected by the miracle that is Kenshin’s character development* 

I don’t want to get into this that much because the example I’m thinking of is basically the CLIMAX of Kenshin’s route. For both romantic & dramatic. And I don’t want to ruin it ^^; (those of you have done it in JP app perhaps you know what I’m talking about ;))

<<SEMI-SPOILERS>>

But the point that gets across in this part of the story, is that there’s no doubt just how much Kenshin loves MC. To the point where he decides that letting her go (despite his possessiveness), is much better than having her get hurt because of his way of loving/or hurting her because of how he is.  

For a “yandere” to do that -- to value the happiness/well-being of the person they love over their own obsession with them, and being like:

IF THAT’S NOT LOVE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS. And apologies guys, but the hipster vibe is strong in this one.

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."— H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

“You don’t know about real loss, ‘cause it only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself” - Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

And to Kenshin’s MC

“I knew that love, to me, is when you’re looked at and the person looking at you sees you whole. They don’t look at you with any desire for change, with any lacking being visible. Love is complete understanding.” - Guillermo Del Toro, The Shape of Water

(How’s that for a fucking movie reference, Clarice?)

<<END OF SEMI-SPOILERS>>

We all have different definitions/interpretations of love. In the stories we experience in IkeSen there are various portrayals of just that: different kinds of love. And Kenshin’s love story just happens to be one of my favorites because it stands on its own when it comes to uniqueness and how heartfelt it is. 

And simply put I would hate to see it ruined because of what? Cultural differences? A fear of portraying a character because of a vague definition of a stereotype? 😢 COME. ON. 

So now, before I start throwing fucking flowers everywhere and preaching world peace; how about we answer, the golden question?

Does MC have Stockholm Syndrome and/or is she a victim of Gaslighting through Kenshin?

^^ Considering all the stuff I said above, perhaps we can cut this answer short ^^

Rest assured, that the relationship that develops inside the prison is by no means, abusive nor manipulative. Therefore MC doesn’t develop feelings for Kenshin out of survival instincts or as a coping mechanism. She chooses to stay, based on her own reasons and is not “brainwashed” to do so.

What are her reasons? Well, you’ll just have to find out when Kenshin’s route is released (if they decide not to change it) or, you know, get the JP app. Whichever.

Here’s the thing... YES, Kenshin is possessive; YES, he is problematic; and YES he does lock you up in a twisted act of caring--

BUT PLEASE let’s not start using random internet-jokes-disguised-as-fucking-“science”-terms so hastily.

Oh, and just to keep us going on our well-informed streak...

In many parts of the world, Stockholm syndrome is referred to as contested illness but many legal authorities consider it as a fake mental condition. -  Pramod Kerkar, MD, FFARCSI, ePain Assist

A fake mental condition.

Final thoughts

If you’ve read this far, well done  😮 👏🏽 👏🏽 You are probably a very tolerant and patient person (with a huge amount of free time, as I do ^^;), so thanks for reading  😭 😭

I’ll be leaving you with thoughts on the ENG MC x Kenshin.

In the Japanese App, there’s no doubt that the MC is depicted to be a lot more patient and tolerating. I suppose you could argue that that’s the kind of person that’s needed to fall in love with an intense character like Kenshin.

But if the ‘Miss Sass’ thing seeds into Kenshin’s Main Route in how it’s depicted in English; and becomes this competition for fucking dominance, given Miss Sass’s no bullshit and judgmental attitude...I really don’t know how I’m going to feel about it (I actually do --- but let’s not make this post more profane and unprintable than it needs to be). 

Hehe 😅 And there you have it, I’ve had my fill~

As with anything when it comes to these rants, if you have your own arguments, disagreements or opinions on anything that has been said, please feel free to comment, message, reblog -- coupled with a degree of civility, of course.

I’ll be more than happy to start discussions with people, ENG and JP users alike; and other users from other walks of life for that matter~ ^_^ Cheers everyone and stay kind~

-Hikari <3