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trashlie · 8 months ago

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ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

#ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #I Love Yoo #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinhye #idk what to tag her as because we know she isn't known as Shinhye anymore #and because Simhan and their mother never married AND she was from a previous relationship Yoo isn't even her family name #so I can't really use Shinhye Yoo lol #alas #anyway this episode was DEVASTATING and quimchee said it's the beginning of the sad episodes meant to happen in March #literally said 'It's all downhill from here'#which I take to mean til the timeskip #BUCKLE UP BABIES WE'RE GOING FOR A BIG CRY SESH ;______;#i gotta say tho this episode didn't even make me cry - i guess because none of this is new and I've been bracing myself for it #Kousuke is so fucking wet cat it agonizes me ;_____;#I could write a whole essay on how Yui destroyed him and Nol in one fell swoop #i think a lot about precocious little Kousuke who tried so hard to be a good little boy and rushed through school because he wanted so badl #to hurry up and catch up to his father and join him in the workplace #all the opportunities he lost #the way he tried to fit himself into a personality a person he never picked out but just believed would get him what he wanted #he lost himself in the process #or maybe he never even got to know himself #i think too a lot about Kousuke who played piano and gave it up when he came to believe it wasn't important to his dad #that it didn't garner the attention and praise he seeked #so he dropped it to better mold himself into someone he thought Rand WOULD be proud of #FUCKING DEVASTATED #I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE ROOF SOBS

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wikiangela · 1 year ago

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inspiration saturday

tagged by @daffi-990 @fortheloveofbuddie 💖

so, no moodboard bc I didn't feel like making one, but there is a new fic idea that's inspired entirely by the fact that I'm sick rn lol

basically sick eddie who refuses to even acknowledge that he's sick bc I feel like he would be like that, and Buck trying to take care of him anyway haha

started writing a bit of dialogue, this is still rough and definitely gonna get changed, just wanted to get it out before I forget, and I don't have the energy to fully start the fic yet lol

I hope I'll end up finishing it bc I always wanna write sick fics when I'm sick but I'm always too tired and forget once I'm better haha

anyway, here's the little bit I wrote

___

“Hey, I’m here!” Buck yells as he enters the house.

“Buck?” Eddie’s confused voice is followed by quick footsteps. “What are you doing here?” he asks, definitely sounding congested, breathing almost wheezing.

“Christopher called. Apparently you wouldn’t get out of bed?”

“I just said five more minutes.” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, and he’s about to be late.” Buck takes a step closer. “You feeling okay? Chris said you were coughing and sniffling.” he adds carefully, knowing how Eddie can get about being sick.

“What? No, I wasn’t.” he responds, followed by another sniffle. Buck raises an eyebrow. “I’m okay, I just overslept.”

“You’re gonna be difficult about this, aren’t you?” Buck sighs, but he can’t help a fond smile.

“About what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eddie says, offended, folding his arms, an adorable pout on his face.

“I’m ready!” Chris walks out of his room, and smiles at Buck.

“Okay, let’s go, I’ll buy you some lunch on the way. And you-” he points a finger at Eddie, “get back in bed, I’ll be right back to take care of you.”

“I don’t need-” Eddie’s words are interrupted by a sneeze. “Shit, why is it so cold in here today?” he shivers, rubbing his hands over his arms.

“Get back in bed.” Buck repeats, opening the door for Christopher, and following him outside.

When Buck gets back, he finds Eddie asleep on the couch, still sitting up, head tilted at an angle that can’t be comfortable, with an abandoned cup of coffee on the table. It’s gonna be a long day.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gayarthur @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @eddiediaztho @housewifebuck @lover-of-mine @gayhoediaz @callaplums @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @hoodie-buck @monsterrae1 @hippolotamus @loserdiaz @ladydorian05 @forthewolves @honestlydarkprincess @wildlife4life @spotsandsocks @disasterbuckdiaz @eowon @theotherbuckley @jesuisici33 @weewootruck @thewolvesof1998 @giddyupbuck

#inspiration saturday #buddie #buddie fic #wikiangela writes #new wip #new idea #buddie fluff #sick eddie fic #<- i guess imma tag it as that if i even end up writing it haha #btw they're not together this yet it's gonna be a getting together fic lol #and buck's gonna be like: omg how am i in love with this stubborn and frustrating man #idk i like this idea hope ill get to it eventually haha

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thekingofthenameless · 3 days ago

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Once again, I am wonderful at titles

#joy’s rambles #joy’s writing #new writing tag i guess lol #joy’s writing woes #the king of the nameless

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cait-sith · 16 days ago

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Day 17: Moon

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #jorm scribs #inktober #I know it's already over but I'm gonna finish this if it kills me #Also hello I'm not dead #oc #setting: mpc #dungeons and dragons #homebrew setting #these two were originally dnd gods but I'm extracting wotc painfully from my setting. So now they're my gods.#helps that their stories were already very different #I'm not gonna tag the inspirations but maybe you can guess lol #toxic yuri #wahoo #I don't have new names for them yet either so I'm not gonna write much on them just yet #dnd gods #they are both gods of fate/change (kinda) but White is the god of cyclical repetitive predictable change while Purple is violent or sudden #White is a tide or the moon phases or elections. Purple is a flood or an eclipse or an election. Ignore that eclipses are predictable #You get the idea #Purple does not follow the rut; purple is the forger of new paths and breaking free from fate and destiny. White is not stagnancy but.#fate isn't real in this setting anyway; I use it more as the idea of being set on a path; it's easier to follow the trajectory than #drop everything and walk away; walk off the path

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carcarrot · 2 months ago

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you'll be pleased to know that on my first day back at my job after my two week vacation i am already in one of my semi-regular Job Crises where i feel like if i dont find a new, better job soon im going to explode into 5 billion pieces

#in case you were wondering if i was handling it well #considering getting some sort of degree . but i cant afford that!!!!!!!!!#but i may need one. if i want a better job........#this is so evil. where are the jobs where you can just do fuck all #in all seriousness back to the degree thing im considering getting a degree in library sciences but i dont even have a bachelors 💀#i was too broke for college! had to work! still have to work! no time or money to go to college then or now!#my crisis aside its extremely funny to me how im not even through my first day back and im like oh lol right i hate every minute of this 👍#also im trying not to have Severe guilt abt the ticket(s) i bought the other day like some crazy person but thats another story #yes ill make the money back yes ill enjoy the show but the Guilt..........#which was entirely because my dad was like >:( when i told him i got a ticket for a Far Lesser amount #and im just hoping he doesnt notice how much my bank account has gone down. oops #but that aside and back to my job crisis:#i cant stand it here!!!!!! i really do hate it!!! and i need a new job. however? everything abt the job process is awful and against me #i was planning on writing an article when i got back from vacation but you guessed it im now too stressed/upset to be creative #which is hampering any possibility of my creative aspirations becoming some sort of career #im so tired. already right back to where i was before my vacation when i really needed a vacation #:( . like ill be fine lol i just. am going through it and these tags have gone on too long #but i think i really will get worse if i stay here for longer and its not even that bad but by god sometimes it is #anyway . im taking it well

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m00nbunny1 · 7 days ago

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Midnight Thoughts, Moonlight Haunts - A Story.

The clock on my screen shows an eerie reminder of how much time has passed, the once early 9:00pm has now faded away into a dark midnight time. 12:08am, the screen reads. It's a dark omen of just how long I've been up, how long I've just scrolled across pages and pages of light blurring into color of all kinds. "Maybe I should end it here, I have things I need to do tomorrow." the rational part of me quietly whispers in the back of my head. I know that deep down, I've never been truly a rational person though, so what's an hour or two extra?

Even in the late hours of night- or well, the early hours of morning have me entranced in a weary state. Constantly grasping for a much needed rest, but my own stubborn demeanor just doesn't give in. Am I scared to start the day, even though I don't know what it will bring me? That might be so, but even then I feel my own tired thoughts break at the thought of waking up, and doing the same thing over again, in a perpetual motion of a never-ending cycle. For now, I bring myself closer to the screen, the bright white of it's light a dull nudge to my sleep-deprived brain. "What's wrong if I get a bit more near? I'll be fine." My dazed brain rings out in a tantalizing murmur, it's voice laced with an underlying problem to its words. That problem being I still have a day to complete, despite my own weary thoughts further bringing me to an edge of conscience and lost that I didn't want to be near.

I sigh lowly, pulling my head out of the darkness that threatened to envelope me, and instead I take a glimpse out of my window, the moonlight a gentle face to my half-lidded eyes. "Even she knows I need rest. Who am I to judge?" I hum in contemplation, before I reluctantly turn my screen off, and fall to my bed. It was time to let the whispers lead me to somewhere else, somewhere I need to be most. Asleep in bed, feeling at home in a warmth that brings my exhausted form comfort.

#I guess I'll tag this a bit lol #my writing #new writers on tumblr #writing #creative writing #writers #writeblr #etched in moonlight

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eclecticmuses · 5 months ago

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next fic thoughts:

thinking what I want to write about next for Fitzsimmons and considering about focusing on my USO tour FS idea since I like writing historicals so much: Hollywood star and singer Jemma joins the USO tour in WW2 where she meets bandleader Fitz and sparks fly. But she's trapped in a loveless studio-mandated PR relationship back home and... I can't decide if I should go the maximum pining and tension slow burn angle where all they get is a kiss before they part and I figure out the happy ending, or Jemma desperately takes what she can get of something real before she has to go back home. And then a happy ending, because we always do happy endings in this house.

Thoughts?

#Agents of SHIELD #Fitzsimmons #Leo Fitz #Jemma Simmons #Stephanie tries to write stuff #let's start the new tag I guess #fs uso au #BOOST PLEASE I CRAVE FEEDBACK LOL

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theflyingfeeling · 11 months ago

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because I couldn't possibly create yet another AU in which Olli and Allu are cheating assholes, here's a sequel to this standalone, just as devastating but this time at New Year's Eve (or a few hours after it), because I felt like writing an angsty NYE fic to balance out all the fluff I wrote for the most of this month 🎆

~*~

The minus twenty degrees felt like twenty tiny daggers stabbing Aleksi's face when he stepped outside the cottage. His hands trembled and he almost dropped the lighter on the snowy porch before he could lit up his cigarette with icy fingers; it didn't feel apporpriate to wear the handmade fingerless gloves he had gotten for Christmas while sneaking out for a smoke, although Aleksi supposed the gift-giver must have picked up on his little secret by now. He couldn't help but wonder how much longer it would take for her to discover all the other skeletons in his closet.

The first drag did nothing but hurt his already aching lungs, but at least it was a pain he could handle. He puffed out smoke which disappeared in the darkness before him, with the moon hiding behind a thick blanket of clouds. At least it's still there, though, Aleksi thought as he took a nother drag, unlike the sun who wouldn't show his yellow ass up this north for a couple of more weeks. In a way it was comforting, to know he wasn't as alone as he felt, even if the celestial bodies were hiding from him.

And yet, even the polar night wasn't as black as his mind.

He brought the cigarette back to his lips and tried not to imagine the way Olli had stolen his smoke off his mouth just a few days ago to replace it with his own lips. It had been risky, dangerous, stupid, but Aleksi couldn't blame Olli; he should've known better than to agree to her idea to invite Olli and his partner to keep them company during the days between Christmas and New Year at their rental Lapland cottage. He should've known better than to stay behind with Olli and a half-empty bottle of Shiraz when their girlfriends disappeared upstairs to make their beds. He should've known better than to let Olli follow him outside when he desperately needed a smoke to release the unwanted tension (a habit he had picked up from Olli, who else). He should've known better than to push Olli against the kitchen counter until he could feel Olli's hard-on through the front of his jeans, but by then he had been far too lost in his desire to care, of course.

His useless, wine-tipsy brain already betraying him as it had betrayed him then, Aleksi dropped the cigarette stub by his feet to put it out, only to light up another a second later. He justified it by telling himself it would make it easier for him to forget, knowing very well it would only have the opposite effect; the nicotine was but another drug that would fail to give him the fix he needed, the one only Olli could give him.

Because yes, Aleksi hated to admit, the adrenaline he got from it all was almost as addictive as everything else about Olli was. As twisted as it sounded, and as ashamed as he was to even consider it, in a way Aleksi had hoped the two women would come back downstairs to witness Olli bending him over the dining table, pounding into him, panting obscenities in his ear.

That would've brought an end to it all, at least. They all deserved better than this endless web of lies Aleksi was too cowardly to handle like a man, too weak to stop before it would rush over them all like an avalanche and suffocate them underneath it.

He hadn't even realised he had taken out his phone until he was staring at Olli's contact open on the screen. His fingers had gone numb by then, so maybe that was why.

He was already sniffling when the ringback tone filled his ear. During the seconds before Olli picked up, Aleksi hoped Olli would already be asleep (and prayed to the moon behind the clouds he wouldn't be).

"Hey Ale," a quiet voice eventually said. Had Aleksi not been as overtaken by his despair, hearing it would've felt like summer in the depths of winter. Now, it only made him exhale a shaky breath and take another drag of his cigarette.

Olli's end of the line fell silent, as if to wait for Aleksi to free up his lungs for speaking. When Aleksi coulnd't force a single word out from between his quivering lips, Olli sighed.

"It's late."

"I know."

"What do you want, then?"

The question wasn't hostile; Aleksi doubted if Olli could ever be.

"I just..." Aleksi started. He knew what he wanted, knew he couldn't have it, knew he shouldn't say it. (He begged the moon for his forgiveness.) "I want you, Olli. Just you."

There was another sigh in Olli's end, then a short, dry laugh. "Fuck you, Aleksi."

Aleksi wiped his cheeks dry before the frost would get to them and listened to Olli's cussing.

"Honestly, Aleksi, fuck you. You don't get to do this right now, not when... not when I had just made a resolution to fucking get over you."

"I'm... sorry." The sleeve of Aleksi's fleece was getting too wet and too cold and his cigarette too small for comfort.

The tone of Olli's sobs revealed Aleksi wasn't the only one who had tried to find solace in a glass of wine that evening.

"Fucking hell, Aleksi, I've spent two bloody days thinking about..." he paused to draw in a breath, then continued with a lower voice, "about us fucking on that tacky fake bearskin. Seriously, Aleksi, we were visiting her parents yesterday and all I could think about as we sat by their fireplace was how... was how fucking lovely you had looked."

Another helpless lump rose to Aleksi's throat as he thought back to it as well: making desperate love in front of the fireplace at three in the morning on the second night on Olli's stay at the cottage, too out of breath to kiss but unable to stop in fear their moans might wake up the sleepers upstairs. The glow of the slowly dying fire had exposed the sheen of sweat on Olli's skin and had coloured his eyes with gold and red and lust. The crack of the firewood had matched perfectly the cracks sounding from inside Aleksi's chest when he had seen the look on Olli's face as he had come down from his high, back to their shameful reality, realising what they had done.

The bearskin that had served as their mattress was now thrown on the rail of the porch in front of Aleksi, covered in snow. The day after Olli and his partner had left, Aleksi had claimed Rilla had made a mess on it and taken it out; the truth was that he just couldn't stand the sight of their crime scene, not with her curling up next to him on the couch in front of the fire.

"I'm sorry," Aleksi repeated, because what else was there left for him to say to defend himself?

"Sorry for wanting me or for calling me to say it?"

Neither.

"I don't know."

Neither, because loving you and wanting you is what gets me up from bed most days; because it's not my fault that I can't sleep, that I feel like I can't breathe lying next to her when it should be you, because how the fuck was I supposed to know at 17 that I'd meet you at 22; because falling for you was the best thing that's ever happened to me as much as it has been the worst, something I never asked for but which I would never give up again if I had my way.

Both, because it's not your fault either.

"Fuck..." Breaking the silence between them, Olli's whisper sounded louder than it probably was. "Two hours into the new year and I've already failed my resolution," he chuckled.

"Didn't take you for a resolution kinda guy, to be honest."

More joyless laughter sounded from Olli's end of the line. "I'm not. That's what's so funny about it. That, or me thinking I could actually make it."

The cigarette stub had slipped from Aleksi's fingers, its orange glow staring up at him from the snow. Even if his fingers weren't icicles by then, he wouldn't have bothered lighting up a new one; it would've been no use, when all his entire body craved was the man speaking softly into his ear.

"Because I want you too, Aleksi. I want you so much it makes no sense anymore."

"Did it ever?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know. In the beginning, I guess, when I felt like I could still control it. Or... convinced myself I could."

"Yeah," Aleksi could only agree, "maybe."

"And you?" Olli sniffled. "Did you make any pointless New Year's resolutions you broke the second you were given the chance?"

A weak smile trembled on Aleksi's lips.

"Thought I'd give up smoking."

Olli laughed. (Aleksi wanted to cry again.)

"Any luck with that so far?"

"No."

"Thought as much. Couldn't think of anything else you'd be shivering about at this hour, if not..." Olli traced off, leaving Aleksi to wonder if he, too, had been reminded of the smoky kiss they had shared right where Aleksi was now standing.

"You should go back inside, Aleksi. Before you freeze your balls off."

"And you should go back to bed, Olli." Before she wakes up and hears your tone of voice.

"Yeah. I will."

Aleksi knew he couldn't be the first to hang up, not least because he could no longer feel any of his fingers. He would've stood there all night, though, listening to Olli's silence if only he'd let him, if only that way he could keep pretending they wouldn't wake up next to different people in the morning.

"Can you... can we make a new resolution together?"

The request was quiet and hesitant, shy almost, although by now Aleksi knew Olli was anything but.

"What do you have in mind?"

"I was thinking... if we could promise to be happy this year."

Ice-cold air filled Aleksi's lungs as he gasped softly, ignoring the mild pain it caused – and a second later hoping Olli would offer him the relief for it.

"What do you mean?"

There was another silence that filled Aleksi with equal amounts of hope and hopelessness.

"I'm not sure."

"I see." It wasn't the answer Aleksi had wished for. He knew, however, that it wasn't fair on Olli to expect anything else.

"But how's that sound to you?"

Aleksi shurgged and shook his head, until he realised Olli couldn't see him. Perhaps he really should go back inside, or else his brain would ice up as well as his balls.

"Sounds good, actually."

"Good," Olli whispered.

There were a million things Aleksi would've still wanted to say to Olli, but only one of them felt appropriate in that moment. He had a whole year to try and say the rest, he supposed.

"Happy new year, Olli."

"Happy new year, Aleksi."

#blind channel rpf #blind channel fanfiction #''not gonna write anything for 3 months lol'' she said. well. 🤡#i just really wanted to write something for new year's 😌#so i guess here's another establishment to the tag:#random tumblr ficlets by theflyingfeeling #ollixallu

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athenaholmesartistsguild · 10 months ago

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I've only just started chapter 3 of Gaiden but I am absolutely obsessed with the theme of powerlessness and how it's conveyed within the game.

I can't help but notice how often Kiryu says he 'doesn't have a choice' when doing pretty much anything. Even if it's in super banal, low-stakes interactions like doing something for Akame, he's constantly stating that he feels as if he has no agency in his current situation.

In the previous Kiryu Saga games, Kiryu is painfully aware of the consequences of his actions, but he still regards them as choices that he made; not something he was forced into.

His status as a Daidoji agent has basically beaten him into submission. He'll occasionally try to fight against this absolute control over him, but he's eventually returned to his position as a pawn in this huge, shadowy organization. The Daidoji are the first organization/power structure that managed to get control over Kiryu's tendency to burn shit to the ground and good god do they take advantage of that.

But then Kiryu's also painfully aware that this is the reality he asked for. Not only does he outright say this multiple times, but he's telling others that 'they started this' when they're confronting him and it's so obvious that he's talking to himself.

He's constantly bouncing between feeling miserable and powerless and then resenting these feelings and berating himself for having them in the first place. He's grasping at any sliver of control he can still have over his life, not to find meaning in his new existence, but to further punish and abuse himself.

I can't remember the exact post, but I saw someone describe Gaiden as a love letter to the Kiryu Saga and that's the best way to describe it, I think.

Kiryu's arc in his games is an incredibly slow car crash where we witness in painful detail how incapable he is of permanently leaving his life as yakuza to protect his family.

He has this almost codependent relationship with the Tojo Clan and feels a compulsive urge to get involved in the constant crises happening.

Of course, there were outside factors that were trying to pull him into these conflicts. Everyone believes that he's the only one who can fix everything. Kiryu's name carries power. Isn't it disgustingly selfish to refuse to get involved when he was the one who chose the clan's chairmen?

How could he refuse to deliver a single letter after the 5th chairman was shot right in front of him?

How could he ignore the people threatening to take his orphanage away from him and his kids?

How could he tell his daughter that she can't become an idol because of his past?

How could he justify staying alive when it did nothing but bring harm to his family?

What choice did he have?

But remember, you chose this, Kiryu.

#Ughhhhh Gaiden's so fucking good you guys.#I'm both super excited for Infinite Wealth and absolutely terrified of what's gonna happen.#I can just tell it's gonna fuck me up.#Guess we'll see how much damage Gaiden does first :')#I also find it interesting how Kashiwagi seems to be more of a parental figure in Kiryu's life than Kazama.#I'll probably write something more detailed later but Kiryu has a line at the end of the ChatGPT quest where he mentions Kashiwagi #and I thought it was interesting that he was more concerned with making Kashiwagi mad than Kazama.#Almost as if Kazama wasn't around as much as Kashiwagi.#yakuza analysis #kiryu kazuma #like a dragon gaiden spoilers #yakuza 6 spoilers #tagging is kinda weird since the Yakuza series got rebranded lol. Obviously 'Like a Dragon' fits better than 'Yakuza'#since all our protags leave the Yakuza like. Immediately.#But I feel like in a few years there's gonna be a divide between people who are new to the series and the pre-rebrand fans tagging-wise.#all us moldy oldies are gonna be using the 'Yakuza' tag while the other half of the fandom is tagging everything with 'LAD'#But it's always fun to watch fandoms evolve and change so I guess we'll see!

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