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mypointerfinger · 3 months ago

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August 8, 2024, 12:00am

i think i’m nearing the end of my tenure.

i don’t mean to be a pessimist about everything, but it’s a hard ideology to escape. being raised by the internet is the worst thing to happen to me, and most likely will lead to me leaving. my parents marriage has been strained since before i have memories. so many bad times marking me from my childhood and teen years. what sort of life is spent wondering “what if?” for the better part of your days.

i’m still miserable, i still work at the job i hate. every drive has been a nightmare, not for traffic but for being alone with myself. i’m torturing myself. my thoughts are becoming slower and more focused, but on death and how worthless i am. my 23rd birthday passed a week ago, and i saw a tweet a few days after it, something like “always talking about getting your life together, bro you’re 22 it’s too late.” stuff like that sticks with me. we both know it’s a joke, you and i, but many jokes come from half truths. my brain compartmentalizes everything negative at the absolute forefront of every instance, and that little stupid post has bothered me for almost a week.

i didn’t feel loved growing up. i felt like i was fucking everything up, but never had anyone to look to for help. my parents chastised my mistakes but didn’t offer help in how i could do better next time. i would just be catching insults and having to figure it out myself. (i havent figured anything out.) i remember plenty of times trying to hide from them and the abuse, and while i’m thankful it was never physical, mentally i am scarred 100%. almost exactly 8 years ago, i was sitting in the closet behind me as i write this. my dog just died, and i had nobody to look to for comfort in the house. my mom was having a breakdown in the living room and my dad had just gotten home to join in. i was shaking and crying and remember how badly i wished Hussar was there with me. it’s a weird thing to deal with these things, always bringing the severity down when it really fucked my life up, you know? i didn’t develop any real skills as a kid, i begged my parents to let me quit everything they signed me up for, i didn’t have friends in person and didn’t know how to make them. i feel hopeless socially. i am terrified of people. moreso fearful i’ll like weird in front of them, or that i’ll be too over the top in the moment and push people away. me emotional maturity is nonexistent and wish that i was capable of working on it, i just have no clue where to begin. it’s like trying to learn a language without hearing or reading it, no foundation and no concept of what to even aim for.

truth be told i rambled the last half of that paragraph to avoid talking about the real shit: i thought about writing a note tonight. i’m starting to feel irredeemably hopeless, i lost the small amount of hope i had left that i honestly didn’t know was there. for people not in my shoes, it’s difficult to portray the feeling of just wishing to not be here. i don’t wanna experience death, i don’t wanna give up, but at some point the mental anguish i’m experiencing is piling up and overflowing. i wish i treated my mother better. it’s a funny thing being so conflicted about the person who’s supposed to be your world. like, “oh how can you wish to be kinder to someone who abused you?” the old saying—hurt people hurt people—is appropriate. my mother grew up with abusive parents herself, they were drinkers. on top of the abuse, i don’t remember if i mentioned it or not, but she’s very lonely, almost in a similar spot to me. we both are in constant solitary confinement. my dad seems unfazed but he’s a military man, and of us 3 he gets the most social interaction. i’m starting to tangent again, but the point being.. i have a lot of things i haven’t forgiven myself for yet. some days i feel like i’m intrinsically supposed to be evil, maybe i should be selling fentanyl or murdering innocent people for the thrill so good people have a job to do. maybe my purpose is to be the villain. as insane and illogical as that sounds, it’s a true side of my thoughts that i wish i didn’t have. the more logical side says that’s a stupid fucking plan.

i have a couple social gatherings coming up, i’m gonna see some friends from grade school and their friends from high school. i’ve only met two of them in person before and i’m horrified to meet the others. i don’t wanna be weird. we play games online and i’m still letting me frustration out on there. almost every night, i get off the computer feeling like a coward and a freak. at the bare minimum, my passtimes should be fun, but even simple things like video games are just.. i take them so seriously that i get blinded by rage. i punched my desk so hard earlier i gashed my fist open. i said a bunch of horrible shit like every other day, and not even because i really want that for someone else. i’d never genuinely wish for someone’s death. but i still say horrible shit that just is so fucking embarrassing. it’s exhausting, i feel like 2 completely different people some days. like, how can i go from a perfectly fine experience on Tuesday, having a good time, performed well, didn’t say anything crazy, to tonight. tonight, where i blew up and said i wished some random person hung himself in his closet. it’s funny to reread some of this stuff because i can’t even believe that it bothers me so much to the point i say such vulgar stuff. i think i brought my parents up because it’s a partial problem from how i was raised. you reflect who your parents are to an extent and my dad has always been prone to anger, my mom is severely mentally unstable. what a culmination! right?

for my last spew of bullshit.. (and no, i’m not gonna do anything to myself tonight)

i feel like my mind never slows down. the internet really has brought my mind to a place of dopamine dependency. TikTok, YT Shorts, top 5-10 lists, fast flashy advertisements. just EVERYTHING all feels like it’s limiting my attention span, and in turn, makes my brain crave for that next hit. the problem i got with that is how i don’t get a hit anymore from ANYTHING. the combo of my mental state and the fast pace that my thoughts are running at causes me to perpetually be negative to myself. i have days i can’t even look in the mirror because the voice in my head is gonna just start commenting on every slight imperfection. there’s no literal voice in my head, moreso it’s a dialogue between me and myself. the sheer impulse and violence that vibes from my brain needing dopamine is ruining my life, and as of now i have no power to control it. i need a mentor, maybe electroshock therapy or whatever my doc said. since sort of meth treatment or something where they give you tranquilizer and it alters your brain chemistry.

disjointed post but i don’t care, documenting my thoughts is what matters more than anything to me right now. this is probably great for the attention span thing. i’m never beating the loser allegations

love j

#blog

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messofmoss · 5 months ago

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tuesday, june 18, 2024

8:27am

i had a lackluster message from julia which already started my day off poorly. but i also had a message from tristan saying good morning when he got off of work. and the only reason he is even doing this is because he wants to get off. he had said he'd let me know when he's off of work. he doesn't want to chat with me. he wants to cum. that's all i'm good for. i feel like a clawing at my skin internally right now. i haven't answered him yet but she wants to. my fingers feel weird so i'm just making a fist and letting it go. i can't think of the word. like this is my hand. i don't have to do this. i shouldn't do this. i don't want to do this. my legs bouncing a mile a minute. i feel like i'm in limbo right now. i'm moving my hands to remind myself they're mine but they don't feel like mine. there's like an ache. oh they're shaking. my hands are cold. i think i am going to toss my phone away so i won't answer him.

9:16am

i just answered him. i am also feeling so itchy, and like if you've taken a pen to a page and angrily scribbled like that's how i feel inside. messy, pointy, frenetic. i told julia in 4 messages that she was in my dream. it wasn't romantic or sexual just kinda silly. all she said was "Oh," oh. just oh. not "lol, that's weird," which, even just that, is fairly dry. but there is nothing to say to oh. if she doesn't want to talk to me, she should just say that. i don't even know why i try anymore. this is all it ever is. me talking at her and her seeming to barely tolerate me. it hurts like so fucking bad dude. why???? why do i even exist? my own best friend doesn't even fucking like me. no one wants to be around me. i'm so stupid. i just want to ghost everyone i know. as if any of them would even care. i'm better off alone. i can throw out all of my masks and just exist alone in my room as this feral thing that doesn't need anybody. all people do is use me. i'm not complimenting her anymore, so what's the point of having me around? she's probably praying i'll stop messaging her. well fuck it i will then.

11:00am

i could never be a parent. i was feeling shitty so i decided to take a nap. i wake up to my mom in my room (extremely rare) calling my name bc grandma is awake and needs her breakfast and coffee and shit. she then told me i scared her because she called me and i wasn't answering. i was downstairs like an hour ago to start a load of laundry.

but i get downstairs and my grandma is sitting there and cheerfully goes hello!! and i was just so angry. i gave a curt hi back. i got her stuff ready and gave it to her then came back up here. now i feel too warm to sleep and that pisses me off more.

she's working from home precisely for this reason that she can take care of her for the day. in the time it took her to come up here and wake me, she could have already had the coffee and meds to her. the coffee is just sticking a cup in the keurig. its not that hard. she literally works like 10 feet from it.

i just want to be left the fuck alone. it's a million degrees, and i want to cry, and the air feels like a blanket, and it's smothering me. i just want to be asleep.

her look of disappointment is still hanging in the air by the doorway.

brain backing track: leavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealone

at the same time: you're so fucking stupid. you're just a burden on her. do you know how much happier she would be if you were gone? how much happier they would all be?

i wish i could shut up all the layers of my thoughts. a torturous tiramisu.

3:54pm

took a nap. still julia has not said anything to me since the "Oh" at 9:13am. she posted to her close friends on insta though. i got a notification but i haven't gone to look yet. i don't want to seem too eager. usually i wait until like 7ish because she'll be asleep by then for sure.

she just messaged me

she still wants to do goodnight messages even if we haven't talked all day? but like she doesn't even seem to want to talk to me in the first place? i am so confused. what does she want?

5:28pm

we ended up talking. she said that she wasn't mad at me but she wasn't going to pretend everything is normal after the voice messages i sent. she said she felt we aren't on the same page and should talk about it. she basically said that we should come to a middle ground but she wanted me to know her not doing certain things isn't because she doesn't care but because those things in particular are hard for her.

9:25pm

she doesn't care about me. she only cares about cris. has it even bothered her that we have been in a weird place? did she miss me? no. just cris. i'm just the backup friend. no one cares about me for more than what they can use me for. if i just disappeared, who would notice? who would care? i just want to be entirely alone. i don't want to have to see people or hear people or be around people anymore. all it leads is to pain anyway. maybe if i wasn't so fucking awkward, people would actually like me.

the last two days at work, i opened with taylor and she kept talking to me but i don't know how i'm supposed to respond. i could tell by her face that i wasn't giving the correct responses. i'm forever just awkward weird katy. i wanted her to just leave me alone to save myself the embarrassment but i also don't want that because then it will just confirm that no one likes me. why is small talk so painful

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giantkillerjack · 11 months ago

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Update: Having finished Smile (2022) with only minimal fast-forwarding (I'll go back and re-watch it fully at a much later date), I can confirm 3 things:

I am an absolute fucking pineapple for starting a horror movie past 10pm. The previous personal rule I had was "no starting horror media after midnight", and I started this movie at 11:54pm. I see now that my previous rule was... insufficient. My adrenaline isn't going to go down enough to sleep until at least 5:00am. I am a kumquat of a man. I am a silly little transgender kiwi-lime spritz. I am a passionfruit-strawberry smoothie with boba for brains, and I have made an error.

Most people who are suicidal should not watch this movie. Just-- go watch The Babadook for now if you absolutely must watch a movie about a literal trauma monster, and come back to this one when it has less of a chance of causing harm to you. Both are great movies. Smile is just a lot more bleak. - And that is in comparison to a movie where a woman snaps her a small dog's neck in front of her 6-year-old child. I mean, The Babadook is absolutely hopeful in comparison.

This movie fucking slaps. It is extremely fucking good. If you are in a place to watch a bleak and TERRIFYING movie about suicide, this is an excellent fucking movie. (If you're not sure, please save it for later! It's not going anywhere!)

I mean, I want everyone in my life who failed to support me in my own time being suicidal to have to watch this movie because it is a brutal look at what it is like to have a deadly mental illness that you don't have the language to explain and that you just can't get people to understand the danger of. Gods know those folks who failed me would probably STILL fail to understand what I'm showing them, but MAN, it is a BRUTAL message about not believing mentally ill people.

My only real complaint tbh is that the character of the white cop ex-boyfriend was WAY too helpful and understanding to the mentally tormented main character. Which ultimately means that the film did fail to understand and highlight the way that the cops play a direct role in perpetuating the very same abuse and neglect of the mentally ill in America that this movie is about!

(The fact that the main character's therapist mentions that she is legally obligated to call the cops if she determines her patient is dangerous shows that the movie is at least partially aware of this issue, but it fails to commit in this respect.)

But otherwise, yeah, this is an amazing fucking movie and the most visceral demonstration of the horrors of psychosis and untreated PTSD that I've seen, while actively challenging the ableist horror movie tropes I've come to expect from any horror movie that shows ANYTHING related to mental health.

This movie really said, "NO, you're not gonna get murdered by a bunch of crazed lunatics. That's fucking stupid. You're MUCH more at risk to BECOME someone other people CALL a lunatic for reasons outside of your control... and then there will be nobody that can help you."

And THAT'S the horror story I think neurotypical people need to fucking hear. The same way I don't need another "oh man wouldn't it be scary if you met some POOR PEOPLE with FACIAL DEFORMITIES" cannibal hillbilly movie, when the REAL horror of THAT situation is the kind of treatment a poor person with an unusual face could expect from a group of lost college kids who represent wealthy society at large.

I give Smile a 9/10, with the caveat that, again, this story is a tragedy about mental health. And it's an important story to tell...

But as a person whose life was saved by the patients and counselors at a mental hospital's intensive outpatient program, I want to emphasize that this movie would have fucked me up really badly back then, and it could have even discouraged me from seeking the trauma treatment that helped my life stop being a living hell.

So I wanted to emphasize one more time to please be careful with this film if you're currently having a Bad Time, and also emphasize that not all of our stories end in tragedy. I'm alive and loved and often happy, and I don't want to die, and I once thought that was an impossible state of being for me.

Even though it was fucking chilling for me to recognize that twisted titular smile from this movie as the one I used to draw on my artistic representation of my own suicidality (her name used to be Sue), if i were to draw my trauma monster now, it would look like a small strange little creature that needs love and patience (they don't wanna hurt me; they're just... horribly scared sometimes. But they haven't been Sue in a long time). Things are so different now.

So. Good things are possible. And while sometimes good movies benefit from NOT showing hopeful endings in order to emphasize the real-life stakes of a societal problem, YOU, reading this, are not yet lost.

The possibility of a better life - however slim or grim - cannot truly die so long as you draw breath.

And I happen to personally know a lot of people working to help make that chance bigger and better because doing so is MY life's work, and this has led to me making a lot of awesome, radical, kind friends. We are Many.

And that matters. You matter. And even if you, now, are the only person who ever reads this - if you can be even a hair's breadth gentler to yourself today in any way, then, by my metric, I have written a wildly successful movie review.

(Especially considering that I am, at my core, a sapient mango who now has to watch funny YouTube videos until 5-fucking-AM because I am JUST A SILLY LITTLE GUY OKAY.)

The cool thing about a horror movie that takes place in a mental hospital and, shockingly, actually turns out to be on the side of mentally ill people is that it avoids all the common disgusting pitfalls of mocking, demonizing, and infantilizing mentally ill people.

The downside is

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[It's much scarier.]

#original #smile movie #smile 2022 #horror #suicide cw #this movie is about suicide at its core and i wasn't readyyyyyy #also shout out to the big sister character or more specifically the writing of that character #main character goes to her sister with proof she's been cursed and the sister slaps the files out of her hands bc they look upsetting #and then Rose tells her sister like hey fuck you and your smug ignorant little bubble i am trying to tell you I'm going to die #and the sister is like 'wow??? You're yelling at me?? which is super triggering for me?? you need to leave.'#and like yeah that's Emily alright. less straight and rich but that's my experience. i yelled at her that she endangered my life #and she got REAL MAD that i yelled at her #favorite part of that scene tho is that Rose then goes into her car and has a scary hallucination and starts #screaming in terror and frustration .... and they zoom out to show the sister's young child watching exactly what has happened to Aunt Rose #with the implication that he is seeing what becomes of people in this family when they ask for help. fav moment in film i think. v subtle.#anyway I highly recommend replacing negative self-talk with names of fruit because it's a lot harder to be mean to myself like this #I also recommend the term 'silly little guy'#just watch a little bit of the movie I said. you certainly won't get so invested you feel you must watch it all in one night I said.#fool's talk! horror movies can provide release but only if you watch the whole fucking thing!! hence the fast forwarding #i knew i had fucked up so i tried to make it go faster at least #the bit where she's home alone and the Intruder alarm goes off but it is maybe a hallucination?? brilliant metaphor for PTSD #people who think it's funny to make fun of those who experience hallucinations are fucking DIPSHITS and this film really reminds me od #*reminds me of that Maria Bamford bit about the horrors of psychosis where she describes it and then goes (sarcastically)#'it's a HILARIOUS disease.'#fuckin icon that woman.#The Babadook has a VERY similar structure and vibe as Smile except the ending is a lot nicer.#also a funny part of this involves the main character who is a doc at a mental hospital being told that she's wasting her earning potential #and like. maybe I missed some context about her fiancee's income or something but that girlie was living in a rich person house #both movies do involve dead pets so heads up for that. i saw that cat and was like OH he's a GONER baby #but don't worry bc the dead cat irl is a prop and the actor cat got special treats and pats and went home after filming

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lovejosephquinn · 2 years ago

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Worlds Change When Eyes Meet - Joseph Quinn x Reader, Part 3

Ok so it’s safe to admit I had half of this part written last night on my laptop, so I threw the rest together tonight. I know I keep saying it, but I’m so overwhelmed by the love. Thank you ALL so much! Here’s part 3!

Tag Requests: @sadbitchfangirl

Summary: It’s time for the London & Film Comic Con, you’re surprising your niece for her birthday by taking her to meet & greet with Joseph Quinn. It doesn’t turn out to be just a meet. Is this love at first sight for you both? Or is it all just some stupid crush.

Warnings: some angst, mild smut and the worst fluff you can possibly imagine, sorry our boys just too sickeningly cute

Word Count: 4.6k

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

You sit up suddenly in the middle of the night, your chest heaving violently. A nightmare, one that makes everything feel so god damn real. You wipe the sweat off of your forehead, clenching your face into your quilt. The nightmare was of course, him. How could he be involved in such a horrible thing? It will of definitely had something to do with the day before, the craziness that happened so quickly. You turn to tap your phone at the side of you, revealing '4:17am'. No notifications, just an update required for your phone. No. Dozens of thoughts running across your brain. What time is it in America? Has Joe landed there yet? Has he gotten there safely? Does he really want you after all of that? Of course he does, right? You settle back down, staring at the dark, empty ceiling. You don't want to return back to your sleepless state just in case he calls, just in case he messages. Counting sheep is the worst idea, so you just ponder your thoughts. Dangerous, yes. What if he's really done with you before it even started?

You must have fallen asleep at some point, you wake to the sound of chirping birds and sunlight beaming down through your window, poking you in the eye ever so slightly. Turning over, again tapping your phone. Nothing. Nothing at all. It's now 9:00am. Your heart drops, your stomach once filled with butterflies is purely empty. He's gone and it hits you. You sob like a baby. Crying into your pillow, staining them with your tears. "I miss you." you whisper lightly to your phone, staring silently at the picture of you and Joe on the screen.

A couple of days have passed, all you have done is mope around the house in your own filth. You've still not heard a thing from Joe. In what world is this okay? You've now become angry. The feeling of upset is still there but there's more a broken and gut wrenching sensation going on in your body. How could he have never called or even messaged you to at least tell you he's okay? All of these stupid questions which lead to stupid thoughts and pointless answers roam your mind. All of a sudden, your phone buzzes. Oh. It's your sister, you decide to answer anyway. "Y/N? Are you alright? Haven't heard from you in days... what's going on?" you sigh which also appears to be a silent scream. "Yeah, I-I think so. I have some stuff I need to talk to you about." She sounds curious and determined to find out yet worried in the same breath. "Okay... I'm ready when you are." she waits. You spill everything, right from the beginning to your first meeting with him at Comic Con, to your photographs, to your niece and him teasing you on the brick wall outside. To you giving him your number. To the texts, sparing no detail of what was said. To the private date or whatever you could call it at your place, to going out for dinner and dancing with Joe on the balcony of his apartment. To the sweet endless nothings and kisses you were given. To the fans you saw going mad about you right to the very finish of him disappearing to America and you walking out on him.

She was speechless, it was safe to say. "Well, uh, bloody hell Y/N, I never expected that, so you haven't heard from him since?" You shake your head, not like she can see you. "No... He didn't reply to my voicemail, which I sent whilst he was on the plane. What do I do? It's not as if I can go and find him right? He mentioned the state he's going to but it's a big place sis, not like the UK." she let out a giggle. Now's not the time for laughter, you're pouring your heart out to your sister and all she can do is laugh at your misfortune, bitch. "Go and find him, you idiot. Surely you can get in touch with someone he knows? Has he mentioned anyone... at all?" You sigh again, you're doing a lot of that lately. "No. I'll wait till he's back, I'll show up at his place and I'll get an answer then. I've waited all my life to find a man like him, I can wait a few weeks, surely..." the call ends abruptly when your sister's husband shouts her down for dinner. "Gotta go, keep yourself busy and things will work themselves out."

You do as you said, you wait. You get yourself back into a routine. Back to your 9-5 job, the one you love to hate. You visit your sister and your niece every now and then. Go out with your friends. Do all of the stuff you did before you met Joe. You start to forget the heartbreak after 3 weeks, he's made no attempt to contact you in anyway. You've seen photos and videos of him all over TikTok which you ultimately hate to see. Knowing he's okay and safe is the only positive thing that runs through your mind when you see them. The other thought is sticking your middle finger at your phone but then feeling guilty after because he is pretty fucking adorable.

A month has passed. It's a wild Friday night, you're exhausted from the week at work and you lay on your sofa with a bowl of popcorn, ready for the weekend. Your phone buzzes. You ignore it whilst you aimlessly scroll through Netflix. You find a rom-com you've seen multiple handfuls of times. Your phone buzzes again. "Oh what do you want now, sis." You fully expected it to be her, she's done a lot of worrying about you this last few weeks. You yell an unintelligible sound out loud as you lean to your phone. You freeze as you read the name 'Joe'. He's calling you. You answer and stay as silent as possible, dragging the phone to your ear.

"Hello?" You say nothing.

"Y/N, are you there?"

You sigh yet another heavy sigh.

"I-I'm back home. I got your voicemail when I landed. I messaged you a million times, why haven't you been answering? I thought you wanted to talk..." his voice was so low and so grew with concern.

You furrow your brow. "You got my voicemail Joe; you never messaged me once. Don't sound too disheartened."

"Are you at home?" You nod. Why are you such a moron, these people can't see your movement through the phone. "Yeah."

He hangs up unexpectedly. What. The. Fuck? You try calling him back, no answer. You call him again, no answer. You throw your phone in anger to the other side of the room which knocks to your wall and falls on the floor. You throw your cushion onto your face and squeal into it. You decide to go for a shower, the movie can play, you're not in the mood to watch people fall in love anyway. Stepping out of the shower and drying yourself off. You hear banging at the door. Not just a knock, a loud bang. You slowly step out into the living room and open slowly, the chain attached to the door so it won't open fully. There he stands, wet through from the vile weather outside. It's really him, it's Joe. "Let me in please, love. Can we please talk?" you clutch to your towel wrapped around you. "There's nothing to talk about, Joe. You never messaged me, you didn't even care to call, you just fucking hung up on me. I had to endure seeing you through a fucking social media app with your precious fans." He looks to the floor, not taking his eyes off of it, not raising his voice but staying calm, cool and collected as he always seems to be. "5 minutes of your time, please. Then if you want me to, I will leave, I promise."

You unlatch the chain and step to the side, gesturing him to come through. He sits down immediately on your sofa, taking in every inch of you stood there in your towel with your sodden hair, similar to his from the rain. "I did message you, several times Y/N." He begins. "My phone wouldn't connect to any of the UK numbers in my phone. I couldn't do a thing about it, I was panicking the whole time because I couldn't reach you. I am so sorry. The hanging up was a sudden move, I decided I needed to come here to show you... Here, please look if you don't believe me." He offers you his phone already opened to your messages and there they are. A months worth of messages, unsent, undelivered and unread. A single tear drops down from you and your lips tremble. He really did try his best. "I missed you so much and there was nothing I could do about it. I hate the way we left it, I regret leaving the day I did, I wish I'd told my agent to stuff it when he called that day. The way I saw it break your heart - that was never my intention..." He stands and moves closer to you, at least 6 inches to your face when you push your phone back to his chest. He takes it and throws it back to the sofa, not taking his eyes off of you in the process. Your now swollen eyes stare into his longing dark brown doe eyes, searching into his soul for where this is going next. You say nothing but your eyes tell the whole story. You want him, you need him, who are you even trying to fool? You whole heartedly believe him and what he's shown you. Joe swallows hard, obviously fighting back the tears himself. "Meeting you was the best thing to happen to me in a while, princess. I-I don't want to lose what we've started, I want to give you everything and only make you happy. Your smile is so precious to me. I love every part of you, even your stubbornness... I..." You gesture a finger at him and run into your bedroom, throwing on whatever clothing you could find. Settling for a long-oversized jumper. You dart back out to the same position you were stood in before. "You..." you move your hand at him to continue. "I... don't want to know a world without you anymore, love. That's all."

You squeal like an excited child in your head. What is this hold he has on you? He only so much has to look at you and you're on your knees. You throw your arms around him, lifting up onto your tip toes. You kiss him and you mean it, you return every word he's just said and more into this one, long kiss. He cradles your back as you try to move away and he just pushes his lips down harder onto yours. You're a sucker for this man. "I... I... I didn't... expect... this..." He speaks through your kiss, it just forces you to smile and kiss deeper. He lifts you up as you straddle your legs around his waist, not breaking any contact with each other. He walks to the sofa with you in his arms, laying you down and slowly laying himself half down on top of you, still refusing to break his lips from yours. The kiss gets more heated and more passionate by the second, his hands gripping your jaw, stroking one of your cheeks as your hands run through his wet curls. He moves down to your jawline where his hand was, kissing slowly, moving down to your neck, sucking but kissing ever so lightly and sweetly until a moan hitches from your lips. He's found the sweet spot on your neck. He continues to kiss and roll his tongue over it, he knows it's driving you insane. Your fingers grip his hair and he lets out a slight groan of his own, the vibrations of the sound rolling down your skin, making goose bumps appear. He returns back to your lips, kissing them slower this time, more soft. Your thigh can feel the hardening bulge growing down below from his jeans and your brain is running 10 million times an hour more than normal. The butterflies have made a reappearance, as if none of this had ever happened.

He tugs at your jumper. "Get this off, I want to see you. All of you." He flutters his best puppy eyes at you. You do not say a word, but you grant his wish. You sit up and lift it over your head and lay back down, feeling his eyes burning all over you, slight embarrassment slips your cheeks as they blush but the grin on his face tells another story. "I knew you were a pretty face, but you are so god damn beautiful, princess, look at you." He removes his slowly drying shirt and moves back down onto you, kissing down your neck again and moving to your chest, kissing lightly around your collar bone and leaving feather touch kisses from his lips around your boobs. Your whole body is alive now. He kisses down your stomach and you squirm as it starts to tickle. "I love how worked up you're getting, and I haven't even done anything." He smirks right at you, this time not his normal happy little face. He's showing a whole different emotion right now, one you've never seen before. He kisses down your waist to your thighs, not wasting a cell of your skin before reaching himself back up to you, taking off his jeans and boxers in a flash and lowers himself down and into you slowly with no word of warning. You need no help; you're already wet through. Your back arches, the rest is a blur. You make love. Not sex. You make full, passionate steaming hot love. The ending is bittersweet but mind blowing.

Before you know it, you're both laying there side by side staring right into each other's eyes. He holds your hand to his chest with one hand, whilst playing with your hair with the other. "Please, let's never repeat the last few weeks again." he loses his smile for a slight second. He releases your hand and sticks out his pinkie finger. "Pinkie promise me princess, I know there'll be disagreements and let's say... heated discussions but, never that again you hear me? I'm not willing to almost lose you again" You giggle as you wrap your pinkie finger around his. "Never again Mr. Quinn, pinkie promise." He looks down at the fingers hugging each other tightly, you see him biting his bottom lip, he fucking loves it when you call him by his last name. You let go and resume your position. "It's you and me, love. I'm not waiting any longer, I'm not taking anymore chances in waiting. Be mine - for real Y/N. Please say yes." You can't even breathe at this point, your heart is exploding. "Well..." he waits for your answer for a few seconds but feels like an eternity as he imitates a cog turning in your head. "Yes. A million times yes." You are not letting this man go for anything or anyone this time, nothing can stop you now. Rough patches are bound to happen, but you know if you can get through waiting a whole month for this man whilst anger and heartbreak has fell through you, you can get through anything. The feelings have flooded back and just like that, you're his. You're his girl, for real.

The morning light seeps through your curtains and hits you square in the eyes. Slowly opening them to the strong beams of sun, a whole different scene to the violent rain bashing on the windows the night before. It was like a change in mood - the irony of it fitting yours in a way. You turn your head to gaze on the beautiful man by your side, a light sigh leaving your mouth as you realise how real this was again all of a sudden. You retrace your thoughts to last nights antics, the pain had quickly turned into long needing lust, and you had done the deed at least 3 times to which after you both passed out from utter heights of excitement and exhaustion. The endgame was that you were his and he was yours, there was no going back now. You stroked your hand along Joe's cheek down to his jawline, tracing your finger down, a widespread grin on your face. Joe kept his eyes closed but his face leaned into your touch as you saw a mirrored grin appear on his. "Good morning handsome." you whisper. He shakes his head and mumbles a distorted sound. "It's not morning if I don't open my eyes, therefore I can stay here in this moment longer." You chuckle lightly and with that, he pulls you to him, your face smothered in his chest. Oh that smell, his smell, it's phenomenal. You can hear his heart beating, you can feel his hands as they wrap into your hair whilst his fingers play with it. "I guess this means you're not going anywhere, love." he lets out a hearty giggle as your head reels, you could be content with this being your life forever. You lift yourself to his face and his eyes are still closed but his smile is beaming as though. You plant a firm peck onto his lips and Joe instantly welcomes it. "Mmm, do that again." he murmurs against you - his eyes open slowly making a beeline straight to look into yours. You obey, kissing him and lingering against him as your teeth go to bite his bottom lip. "Didn't you get enough of me last night Y/N?" he knows what he's doing, fishing for those god damn compliments. "Never Mr Quinn, I could never get enough of you." He flashes his Oscar worthy winning smile at you and can't help but crash his lips back onto yours, a slow, sleepy kiss turns into a hot, passionate one. Your tongues collide with each other, groans escape both of you, the feeling of your bodies close made the temperature of the cool room sore. The god damn effect this man had on you was insane, you were ready for him and him for you, there was no place you'd rather be.

Showering quickly and leaving Joe to his own devices, you walk out into the living space and into the kitchen to find him working his way round it. The smell of bacon hits your nostrils and the sight of the man cooking and humming a song to himself from the radio so contently. You stand there for a couple of minutes admiring the extremely pleasant view, even if it was just the back of him. "You sure know your way round here." He turns around startled and shrugs his shoulders. "It's only small, love. The stuff wasn't hard to find." A wink returns your way as he turns around to continue. You make small paces until you reach the back of him, wrapping your arms around his torso and leaning your head onto his back. "Hello." he chuckles. "Hi." you reply.

You sit down to eat with a comfortable silence to eat when all of a sudden Joe's phone doesn't stop vibrating from the table. Three missed calls and a text message pop up one after another until he gives up and opens it. "I'll be back in a second." he mutters as he excuses himself to your bedroom. You didn't want to pry but you also felt hesitant in knowing who it was and what it could be about, after all the last time his phone blew up he left and you didn't hear from him for days on end. As much as you had forgiven him and accepted it was through no fault of his own, you couldn't go through the heartbreak of him being ripped from again, at least not straight away.

Shy of 15 minutes later he saunters back towards you with a slightly lopsided smile. "Everything ok?" you offer a reassuring smile back to him. "Yeah, just got to get going soon, got a last minute shoot at the other side of London. Must admit as much as I love my agent, he doesn't half get on my nerves with these spur of the moment ideas." Your eyes shoot down to scan both of your half eaten plates of food. "It's okay, I'll find something to occupy my time until I can see you again. Duty calls Joseph Quinn." He frowns at the full name. "It's Joe to you." You give him a sassy look and he finally loosens up and laughs. "Fine, Jo.....seph." He rolls his eyes and sits back on the chair, leaning back and patting his lap for you to sit, you happily oblige.

"I'll be back to you this evening ok?" he plants a kiss onto your forehead. "Okay love." He shakes his head. "Okay love." He imitates your voice mockingly.

You decide to fill your day with your sister and niece. Taking a shopping trip in central London. No conversation was made about Joe for the time being, but your sister could see your change in mood and that was enough to understand that things were better. When you sit down for a spot of lunch at a quaint little café you decide to check your phone. Joe had sent you a photo of himself sat on the floor in a seemingly plain building making a silly and utterly quite bored face. Underneath a text that read 'Hope you're having the best day, princess. Joseph has been really busy but Joe cannot wait to come back to see you again later.' Your cheeks redden at the play on his names, Joseph is the hardworking, amazing actor people have fallen in love with, the one you met at Comic Con, but Joe - Joe is your person. Your niece glances at your phone and her eyes widen excitedly. "Eddie, oh my god, Eddie and you text!" Your sister's brow furrows. "Who's Eddie, hon?" your niece rolls her eyes. "Eddie Munson mummy, the one Y/N and me met and they flirted with each other there lots of times." Your sister glanced up to you and her mouth changed into an O shape. "Oh, that Eddie." You nod as you lean against the table putting your hand over your mouth. "Everything ok with him?" she muttered quietly. You nodded again as you felt your cheeks flushing. "More than ok." You return your sisters grin. She knew you were happy, that's all she needed. "When will I see Eddie again now that you two are basically married Y/N?" you and your sister barked a laugh at your nieces question. "I'll bring him to see you soon." Her whole face scrunched into the biggest and frightening smile you'd ever seen. "So does that mean you're on good terms since you want him to meet the family?" your sister was intrigued now. You could only nod, you solidified a promise that your niece would indefinitely see Joe again and your sister would get to meet him. Your phone rings as you're about to leave the café.

"Hello."

"Hello, love, I'm just finishing up, turns out they didn't need many - I'm just that good. What are you up too?"

Your sisters gaze falls on you and she can see the blush in your cheeks turning crimson red at a fast-paced speed from his smug yet innocent voice.

"Just out with my sister and niece, we've just had lunch at this cute little place."

"The same niece I met at Comic Con?"

"One in the same." You look down at her smiling.

"I'll not keep you then, I'll see you later beautiful, be at yours round 6pm. Find out blankets, pillows and I'll bring the snacks and wine."

"Can't wait, love."

Your sister and niece pull the exact same expression. "Since when do you call people, love?" your sister chortles at your embarrassed yet accomplished face. "Since Joe."

You spent the rest of your day laughing and spending. Getting home and dropping your purchases into your bedroom, you light candles and dim the lights whilst you place a few pillows and blankets onto your sofa, a make shift bed. You change into your comfy clothes, leaving your hair in a messy bun, nothing to the imagination - but nevertheless Joe could make you feel beautiful wearing only a potato sack. As if on queue, 6pm has arrived and no later than 6:01pm does a knock come from your front door. You skip happily like a child, unlatch the door and open to find him on the other side. One hand holding a bag filled with a bottle of wine and pastries and a bunch of 10 blooming red roses clutched in the other. You swoon your side, your head is going ten to the dozen as your eyes gleam at Joe. "Good evening Miss, I brought you the goods." he mimicked a overly posh accent as he lifted the bag in the air. "Oh Sir, you're too kind." You take the bag from him and go over to the kitchen and place it on the counter top. "And those?" you point at the flowers. "An apology for missing you for days on end whilst I was overseas and a thank you for forgiving me." You tut loudly at him, shaking your head though the beaming grin has not left your face. "Are you just going to buy me flowers every time you mess up?" He nodded. "Pretty much." You both chuckled at one another as you took the roses to put them into some water. "Now come here, I missed you and you look so god damn inviting." Your eyes grew wide as he pointed and ran to the sofa, flopping onto the blankets that were once neat. "Charming one you, Mr Quinn." He patted the space next to him. "You look good too Y/N." he smirked.

You happily complied to his gesture and leaped onto him instead of falling next to him. "Jokes aside, I definitely missed you, princess." Your faces were close as for a few seconds you stared so intently at each other, lips inches apart, bodies closed in on one another, legs intertwined in and round the blankets. "I missed you too, Joe, way more than I probably should have." You settle down, blowing the candles out but leaving the lights dimmed after a few hefty make out sessions, a bottle of wine, empty plates but sincerely full hearts. Laid to the side of Joe with his arms wrapped around you as your leg cocks over his. You feel hands rubbing down your back, Joe's face also matching your tired state, you knew in a short moment that this, right here was all you could ever want.

You were just about to drop off to sleep, not hearing anything from Joe for at least half an hour when you heard him mumble your name. "Y/N." You snuggled deeper into him, not saying a word. You didn't respond, he was just clearly in a trance, and you were in no less of a ready state for the sleep to take you away after feeling heavily fulfilled with your day. If it was something, you'd wait to find out - that was at least until he managed to say as clear as day; "I love you, I really do.”

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gay-writer-shit · 2 years ago

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20 random prompts, not that anyone cares but i'm sad and lonely so yEAH >:)

hello there, children of the devil :)

[totally not about to do something illegal] "come on man, be cool!"

[mean character being nice for once] "you look good today"

[it's almost the middle of the night] "you're bruised all over, what happened?" "nothing, i'm fine" "i'm gonna kill whoever did this"

crying alone in the kitchen at 3:00am because character a had a meltdown but character b wasn't around/was asleep (*cough* totally fictional and not based on real events *cough*)

"don't you dare insult them in front of me!"

"staring won't get you a date, darling, but asking will"

[person a doesn't dance] "come dance with me, a"

"i like you a lot, platonically" "ouch, my darling SPOUSE."

hugs that are a little bit un-platonic ;)

we had a massive falling out and i almost unalived and am in a hospital hundreds of kilometres away and need you to come see me right away because i realised our falling out was stupid

[spicy times] "i'm not stopping until you scream my name as you should"

[paying fight] "i'm paying, this conversation is over" "no, it's not, i invited you, it's courtesy!"

"why bring a sword to a gun fight?" "you're truly evil"

[attention is improtant] "did you pay attention to anything i said?!"

[rage] "no no no! i am not sad nor mourning, i am enraged, and furious! because if you love someone, you protect them!" "she couldn't help it!" "they were my parent, their ONE job was to protect their child(ren)!"

not being able to cry at a loved one's funeral, inspite of being shattered

[flirtatious] "who let you be s-" "my enemies' screams give me the courage."

"i'm bored, let's make out"

[irresponsible] "remember when you told me not to set the house on fire?" "you set the house on fire?"

[marvel quotes] "i am,,,, inevitable" "and i,,,, am,,, losing a lot of blood"

heeeey, hope you enjoyed my brain fart, i'm sorry you had to read this garbage :')

love ya children, tag me if you use any of these (or other prompts) TvT

#writing list #dialogue prompt #person a #person b #person a and person b

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doctordiscord123 · 3 years ago

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My Favs of Ego Manor

1. Everyone Has Bad Days -- Man, I always gotta show love for the first....I wouldn’t be anywhere without it, and though it’s pretty venty, and I don’t really like the writing anymore, just.....I love the story. Love

5. Blind Love -- Any story about the Host and Dr. Iplier are up there on my list, simply because they were and still are so entertaining to write.....and I like the cheesy stuff, and just -- that one fucking line in this story (you know the one), God, still remains one of my favorite lines I’ve ever written ever XD

26. Yandere -- I’m still more impressed by the concept of this one more than anything, and I think it turned out really nicely for how batshit off the walls the idea was XD thank you 3:00am brain

29. Reunion -- If you love squishy, bittersweet Darkstache, this is def a fic you’ll enjoy XD I liked this one a lot, I thought it was nice....

32. To My Dear Host... -- Like I said, most stories about the Host end up way up there on my list XD I love this story, I think the drama’s nice, I think I executed it pretty well, and, yeah, I’m a sucker for angsty shit, and though this isn’t exactly medically accurate (tbh not a lot of my stuff is) I still think it’s nice :D

33. And Peggy -- Peggy my beloved <3

38. A Zoo Without Cages -- what an absolutely ridiculous, nutty mess. I fuckin’ love it.

40. Five Times the Egos Were Caught Sleeping -- I just love how squishy it is....

42. Metamorphosis -- YESSSSSSSSSSSSS THE GOOD SHIT RIGHT HERE, MAN I WAS PROUD OF THIS

47. A Broken Songbird Still Can Sing -- Silver doesn’t get enough content in this fandom, and I think this turned out super well :D of course, it plays into my personal favorite tropes so perhaps I’m biased but skdfjgn

57. Nightmarish Reality -- I cannot express how many times I read and reread this one over and over before it came out skdfjgn I love this fic, man is it dark as fuckin’ Hell but I am so proud

66. Desperation -- Oh boy. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever written, and it came out so well. The feedback on this one makes me cry every time I read the comments. I’m so glad it was received well, I put so much soul into it, and just....yeah

67. Shimmering Depths -- Merman Bim <3

71. May the Best Android Win -- Not enough people portray the androids as squishy and the deserve to be squishy. This story is ridiculous. Poly robots for the win

82. The Wedding -- THE WEDDING!!!!!!!! Another one I am so so so unbelievably proud of, and I’m so glad everyone loved it!!!! I still remember absolutely sobbing over writing the vows skdfjg

88. Kids in the Manor -- Not my most creative title (titles are not my strong suit) but!!!! This one turned out Hell cute, plus the little secret in there, just <3

96. The In-Between -- YESSSSSSS!!!!! God I love this fic, I worked super hard on it, and it came out so nice, just -- I love the Host so Goddamn much XD

102. Worst Date -- Listen. Listen. I have never before laughed so hard while writing a story skdjfgn this one was just so much fun for me to write, I think it’s great XD

106. Rampaging Chaos -- Jims my beloveds <3

111. The Past’s Reflection -- A lot of people had been asking about the DA for a long time, and finally, I wrote it!!! I think it came out super nice, I love how I wrote the DA, and how they interacted with Dark, the little splash of silly, I love it

115. The Writer and the Prophet -- :)

121. Happy Halloween! -- Also Google’s birthday, I just didn’t want to put the whole title. Anyway, fem!Dark my beloved <3 Also this is just straight up Hella cute sdkjfg

122. This is Halloween -- I struggled so hard with this story within a story idea skdjfgn but!!! I think it came out super neat, the Host is a bastard, more fem!Dark skdfjgn and super neat horror story!!!

127. Snark = Regret -- Dr. Iplier you stupid bastard. I do love this fic though sdkjfgn I don’t write the Host pissed off often but <3

132. The Streets -- My God. This took. fucking forever to Goddamn write, and yet it was so worth it skdfjgn it came out beautiful and I adore it to pieces

134. Adorable -- Squishy <3

144. A Gift to this World -- Squishy!!!! Not many Eric/Reynolds centric stories on this list, but I like this one :D

152. Egyptian God -- Oh I completely forgot about this one till I read the name. Oh wow. Wow. Yes. I adore this one.

154. Is That a Challenge? -- Illinois my beloved skdjg

156. Something’s Up with the Host -- Ah yes, my own silly self-indulgent birthday fic XD I loved writing this, it’s so cute

159. The Beginning of the End -- :)

172. Star-Crossed Roses -- This was....so unbelievably difficult to write. I was already deep into my burnout by the time this came out, I wrote it all the night before it was set to come out, I was worried I’d have to delay it, especially since I built up the wedding date so much, but it came out on time, it came out pretty good if I do say so, and I’m glad everyone enjoyed it. Still the last Ego Manor story to come out, and maybe one day I’ll get to finish this series out like I wanted, but for now....it’s good to end on something so delightful

#my writing

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jordankennedy · 2 years ago

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“I should let you know that I had no idea how to play the guitar or any other musical instrument, and that the sound of my singing voice could probably draw blood from a man’s ears, and perhaps kill a dog outright.” (p.32)

“It was always 3:00am for John.” (p.33)

“”You know what I think? I think you’ll be getting calls from me for the next eight or nine years. All from tonight. I couldn’t help it, couldn’t get oriented. Kept slipping out of time… you’ve got a voice mail message three years from now that’s freaking hilarious.”” (p.51)

“Ah, that feeling again. That chill of unreality, my belly full of coffee turning to liquid nitrogen. The voice was John’s.” (p.53)

“I felt electricity inside, the buzz of the violence, sparks raining down inside my skull as if from a blown fuse. Too familiar.” (p.123)

“There was that feeling again, the sparks in my head, the old violence high, the electricity of it shivering through me.” (p.150)

“Towards the bedroom now, the gun in front of me in both hands, arms rigid, like the turret on a tank. The old sensations again, blood pumping past my ears, sparks flying in my brain, that cool sweat again.” (p.283)

“She had chin-length copper hair that it looked like she had cut herself. Something weird with her eyes. The wrong shade of green.” (p.287)

“Without breaking my gaze with the TV, I said, “To John, something being funny is more important than being true.”” (p.314)

“I leaned around the truck and saw Amy was wearing the Scooby-Doo ghost glasses, staring right at the spot where Shadow Man was standing. She pulled off the glasses and looked at them in amazement, then looked through them again.” (p.322)

“Amy said, “They can’t get us! They can’t get us in the light! I knew it!”” (p.328)

“Fuck him. Fuck everybody. And fuck you, Amy, for somehow getting me to tell you this.” (p.334)

“He stood over this large bloodstain and said, out loud and in the presence of several bystanders, “This is blood! David must have been here.”” (p.337)

“John turned to leave, and out of the corner of his eye he saw a doorway. He felt like an idiot, because how do you miss it, right in the middle of the wall like that? Tall, arched at the top, ornate. Totally out of place in a room like this. Then he turned to face it and saw that it was only a blank wall again.” (p.342)

“A warmth spread behind my eyes. Everything turned red in my brain, my skull suddenly filled with Tabasco sauce. There was a tingling in my gut, my muscles tensing… A blink. A searing pain in my hand. Blood.” (p.354)

“But the strangest thing, the sickening thing, was the urge that flashed through my mind as I was standing over him—the urge to bite—and I knew this was it again, that I had lost time, that I had lost myself.” (p.354)

“The irises were too green, that was the thing. Like grass after a week of spring rain. And there was a piercing, electric intelligence in those eyes that I had been too stupid to notice before, seeing right through me. And I suddenly had the very dismaying realization that I probably could not lie to this girl.” (p.356)

“And do you know how I respond to that, to the knowledge that I may be delusional and dangerous? I arm myself. With a gun.” (p.359)

“Two urges rushed through me at the same moment. There was the urge to surrender, to put and end to the tension and fear and accept my fate. And then there was the urge to do violence. I don’t remember making the choice. All I know is that my muscles caught fire with adrenaline and I suddenly felt the fear and rage that is the most intense high the human animal can feel.” (p.379)

“You know what this is, right? We’re in an alternate universe and this is the Eyes Wide Shut world.” (p.389)

“John hefted the dog down the hall, came to the first closed door he could find. He saw no handle on the door and no buttons or controls. He screamed, “Open, you fuck!” and the door slid obediently open.” (p.406)

“Anything above a score of thirty gets you a diagnosis of sociopathy. I got a twenty-nine. And the irony is that I had to steal the file from the cabinet to find out that score. Do you think that’s worth the extra point?” (p.444)

“”Time must move differently here. I came in right after you.” “That’s always your excuse.”” (p.460)

rereading john dies at the end and highlighting every passage where dave exhibits slaughter avatar tendencies has left my poor book a colorful mess

#red/dave/slaughter -> blue/john/spiral -> green/amy/eye

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jewish-space-laser · 4 years ago

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ok i have an idea for a cbl blurb? could u do a blurb from harry’s pov from the night where he got drunk and how he felt when he saw yn and stuff? ik it already happened but i think seeing it from his viewpoint would be interesting!

Could be Lethal - Part Three (Harry’s POV)

“And every time I’ve held a rose, It seems I only felt the thorns, And so it goes, and so it goes, And so will you soon I suppose...”

– And So It Goes, Billie Joel

HELLO EVERYONE! It’s been months since I’ve posted anything on here, but I randomly got the motivation to pick this up last week. I apologize in advance for my rusty writing skills! This ask has literally been sitting in my inbox for 10 months, so posting it actually feels quite cleansing. Anyway, here is a (long) blurb full of angst, angst, and you guessed it, angst! I hope you love Harry’s take of that night as much as I do. I love you all muchly, thank you for your ongoing love and support <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxooox Tile

(3.8k word)

You and Harry were friends, with a capital ‘F’. Yeah, you’ve been sleeping in his bed for the past two months, and maybe your entire nervous system goes into hyperdrive when you’re in the same room, but that’s normal, right?

The one where you and Harry have an arrangement… of the cuddling sort.

See the CBL masterlist here!

WARNING: Detailed descriptions of heavy drinking

~~~

It was bullshit. It was all bullshit.

Harry was miserable. He knew it, his friends knew it, his family knew it… it seemed the only person who wasn’t picking up on his desperation was you.

You were a complete enigma to him. Sometimes, you were the warmest, most open person he’d ever met, indulging him with interesting conversations, stupid jokes, and even the occassional existential discussion. It was always difficult for Harry to truly open up to a person, having been jaded time and time again by people who weren’t able to look past his famous exterior.

That’s what makes it so much harder, he thinks. Knowing you properly, you knowing him properly. It made the moments where you were closed off harsher, colder, more difficult to read.

Since you left his house two days prior, he had done just about anything he could to take his mind off of you. He loved thinking about you, but he also hated thinking about you. It was tortuous and circular and he just wanted a brief moment of emotional respite.

No, he didn’t want respite, he needed it.

So he watched all three Lord of the Rings movies in a row, tested out a new stir fry recipe, spent way too much money online shopping, and even scrolled through the Humane Society website in a moment of weakness. But none of it mattered, because even if he could distract himself for a moment, you were still there, lingering in the peripherals of his mind like a song stuck in his head.

It was dizzying and mind-boggling, and Harry was at a loss for what to do. So when Sunday morning rolled around and it still felt like his lungs were being crushed into a ball, he started drinking.

It was only 8:00AM, but he bypassed the coffee cabinet and went straight to the fridge, pulling out a chilled bottle of champagne. The pop of the cork was as loud as a gunshot, but Harry didn’t even flinch, hardly registering the sound of it hitting the floor across the room as he rushed the bottle to his lips.

Bubbles fizzed past his tongue and dripped down his chin, sliding down his bare chest before puddling on the floor. He had to squeeze his eyes shut tightly at the burn of the carbonation, but each gulp sent pleasant tingles over his skin.

For the first time in ages, his mind felt numb. He didn’t necessarily feel good, but he didn’t feel miserable anymore, and that’s what mattered. He could close his eyes without seeing your smile flash in his head, he could listen to music without immediately relating the lyrics to you, and after his second bottle of wine, he was even able to brew a cup of coffee without thinking of you.

Okay, maybe he thought of you a little.

At some point, he passed out on the couch, cartons of Vietnamese takeout sitting cold on his coffee table. When his eyes finally blinked open, the sun had already started to set.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself. There was a familiar ache pulsing behind his eyes, and he groaned loudly into his empty house. It never used to feel empty, but now you’d come and gone, and it was too late. You’d left your mark on his house and his coffee and his heart… so he drank more.

There was no more wine, so he started in on his collection of hard liquor, expensive bottles lined on top of his cupboards. Normally they were reserved for when he had guests over, but this fell into the realm of desperation. His sunken eyes scanned the glass bottles before settling on the cheapest of them, an unopened Maker’s Mark. It would do.

He was pouring a healthy sized glass of the whisky, and then suddenly he wasn’t. His heavy eyes blinked in confusion as he stared across the bar at the bartender, who was raising his eyebrows expectantly.

“That’ll be thirty-five pounds, mate,” the bartender said, “got roped into buying the first round, eh?”

“Yeah,” Harry grunted, glancing over his shoulder to see Thomas and Jessie watching him from a booth.

He doesn’t remember leaving his house, let alone coming to the pub with his friends. In fact, if he tried to think about it, his memory of the entire day felt fragmented, like pieces of a puzzle that didn’t quite fit together.

In his mind, this was a success. A full day gone without thinking about you or talking to you or seeing you. The clock behind the bar read 00:43 in red neon numbers. He took one of the shots quickly, signing the bill and taking the remaining five back to his friends.

“Harry mate, we told you we’re not getting pissed tonight,” Thomas groaned, “what’d you get six shots for?”

“What kind are they?” Jessie asked, wrinkling their nose.

“I dunno,” Harry shrugged, setting the tray down directly in front of himself. His vision swayed to and fro, but he still managed to down another shot, disregarding the concerned look his friends shared. “It’s rum. If you don’t want any, that’s fine.”

“It’s a Sunday, mate,” Thomas reminded him gently.

“We’re at a pub, aren’t we?” Harry slurred. “Supposed to get drunk here.”

“You asked us to come here,” Jessie said slowly, “said you needed to talk to us about something.”

Harry blinked at them slowly, swaying slightly in his seat. He didn’t remember any of this.

“Actually, he said he needed a drink,” Thomas corrected, “I didn’t realize he meant twenty drinks.”

Another shot burned down his throat, and then everything was cold.

“Harry.”

His head was pounding. Every limb felt heavy. He couldn’t bear to open his eyes, already overwhelmed by the echo of Thomas’s voice reverberating off of the tile floors.

“Harry.”

He knew that somebody was trying to get his attention, but he just couldn’t. The alcohol had done its job for most of the day, keeping his brain muddled down and diluted just to spare him the pain of remembering. But now, it backfired, trapping him inside his own head with no way out, with nothing to do but remember. He could hear people talking in the background, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was as if he was underwater, slipping further and further down with each painful clench of his heart.

He felt a hand press against his arm, and jerked away, causing his stomach to twist. He didn’t want to be here anymore, and he certainly didn’t want to be bothered.

“G’way, Thomas,” he managed to grunt.

“It’s me.”

Your voice was clear as crystal to him, but he knew it couldn’t be real. You had left him, after all.

The image of you driving away from his house was burned into his memory, playing over and over again in slow motion. If he thought hard enough, he could even remember the way your body had felt beneath his, whining and squirming and gasping, just like he’d always dreamed about. He could remember the sunken expression on your face the next morning, the heavy silence of the car ride to the coffee shop. He could remember how he’d hoped, so badly, that you’d finally talk about it, this unspoken connection that could no longer be denied. Most of all, he remembers the way his heart dropped when you told him that you didn’t remember any of it.

Another gentle brush, this time along his hairline, and he managed to open his eyes just a sliver.

You looked amazing. Well, there were circles under your eyes, you were wearing your pajamas and slippers, and you were frowning in concern, but to Harry, you were the most beautiful thing.

“You’re here… y’really here….” he sighed.

You were crouched in front of him, holding a plastic cup of water, and all he wanted to do was pull you into his chest. You looked sleepy and cosy, just like you always did when you stayed over. Before he could reach out to pull you close, you were putting the rim of the cup against his bottom lip.

He took it, grateful for the relief it provided his dry mouth. For the first time since he came to, he took in his surroundings. He was in a single stall bathroom, curled on the floor next to the toilet. The walls were an ugly pale yellow, while the floors were white, making the streaks of dirt and grime more noticeable than ever. Thomas was leaning against the sink across the room, watching you as you tried to get him to finish the cup.

“Y’look so pretty, always look so good,” Harry slurred, “just wanna snuggle, like we always do.”

He loved the way your mouth dropped open. Everything about you was endearing, really. He watched as you twisted your head to say something to Thomas, water sloshing around in the cup when you nodded your head quickly. Thomas left immediately after, but Harry hardly even noticed.

When you turned back around to face him, he felt blinded. Despite the dark circles under your eyes, they’re bright and they pierce through him just like always. He loves the color of your skin and the shape of your nose and the little crease that forms between your eyebrows when you’re anxious. He thinks he could probably paint you with his eyes closed.

Warmth licked across his skin when you brushed your fingertips against his forehead, tucking a stray lock of hair back into place. Harry leaned into your touch, unwilling to let the moment pass too quickly.

“Can you try taking a sip of water, H?” You tilted your head. “For me?”

He could have laughed, had he not been so nauseated. He would do anything for you normally, but he really did feel awful. “G’na make me sick,” he insisted, wrinkling his nose at the cup in your hand. Even though he could hardly focus, his eyes zeroed in on the faded X scrawled in sharpie on the back of your hand, a souvenir from your night out at TAVERN. He had a matching mark on his hand, and he dreaded the moment the ink would wash off fully. Just another thing forgotten.

He just wanted you.

He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but the look on your face told him that it had slipped out. There was no way he regretted it though, not with you right in front of him. Not in this state of mind.

“It’s gonna make you feel better, and then we can go home,” you urged softly, scooting a tiny bit closer to him.

Home. When he thought of home, he thought about mornings in his house, sunlight filtering in through the blinds and leaving shadowed stripes across your skin. Home was the way you squinted your eyes tighter together right before waking up. Home was you at his kitchen table, going off at him about not doing his dishes.

“Y’coming home w’me?” He managed to say. Your eyes softened.

“Only if you drink this whole cup,” you lifted it up to him once again, gingerly tilting his head up with a finger on his chin. Even though he felt like his stomach would combust if tried to swallow anything, he allowed you to help him drink some water. Some sloshed messily onto his shirt, but it felt sobering. You met his eyes for a moment, “is that good?”

“I’d do anything for you.”

If you asked him to drink water, he would drink water. He would drink an entire ocean of water. It was achingly clear to literally everybody but you. He could tattoo your name over his heart and you still wouldn’t see.

You gulped loudly, but didn’t say a word, simply prompting him to take another sip of water. He wished more than anything that you’d say something. Make some kind of facial expression. He just wanted a signal, a sign, that you felt anything towards him; disgust, affection, pity.

He was sure you must pity him.

Harry drank the rest of the water, cheeks burning as he asked you for a refill. He was still drunk, but the fog had cleared enough for him to sit up straight without feeling like he was going to hurl. He watched you refill the cup in the sink that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in decades, but that was honestly the least of his concerns.

“Y’must think I’m pathetic,” he grumbled, squeezing his eyes shut and tilting his head back against the wall. “Can’t lose you.”

“You haven’t lost me,” he heard you say quietly.

But it felt like he had. Because even though you were friends, it wouldn’t be the same if he couldn’t fall asleep to the sound of your soft exhales. It wouldn’t be the same if he couldn’t feel that rush of excitement when you sneakily texted him under the table on nights out. Having you at a distance could never be enough.

“Harry…” you sighed, rubbing your eyes, “why did you drink so much tonight?”

If your obliviousness hadn’t been so devastating, he would have laughed. How could you sit here with him, look into his eyes, and not see that his heart was entirely in your hands? How could he explain anything to you if you hadn’t already seen it?

So he wouldn’t try. Not right now.

He mustered up the strength to push up onto his knees, managing to stand up fully with your steady grip on his arms. He took one shaky step as his head spun, and felt your arms snake around his waist to keep him balanced. Without even thinking about it, he wrapped his arm over your shoulder, reveling in the feeling of having you so close as you helped him out of the toilet.

You brought him to a stop in the main room by the bar, and he couldn’t help but bury his nose into the top of your head. You smelled just like you always did. It had only been a few nights, but your scent was already fading on his bedsheets.

“Y’smell like lavender,” he hummed, squeezing your arm lightly, “s’like you’re tryin; t’torture me…. So pretty.”

It really was torture, having you hold onto him as you both walked out of the pub. You were distracting, with your warm skin and soft hands. Each step was difficult; his feet were heavy as anvils and he just wanted to curl up right here on the sidewalk.

Just as he was considering plopping down on the pavement, he heard the familiar beep of your car opening. He closed his eyes once he was sat in the passenger seat, feeling you fuss over his seatbelt. He flinched slightly when you slid a cold water bottle between his knees.

Harry blinked, and then suddenly you were buckled in behind the steering wheel, poking his arm and peering at him with tired eyes. “Can you stay awake for me, H? Just till we get to your house, okay?”

“Y’coming to my house?”

You were so good to him, all the time. By the looks of your attire, you were ready to be in bed hours ago, yet here you were, patient as ever.

“Yes, I’m taking you home,” you said through a yawn.

“Miss having you at my house,” Harry exhaled. He didn’t even know what he was saying really, just the same thoughts and memories circling through his mind like planets around the sun, all them centered on you. “My sheets don’t smell like you anymore.”

Suddenly, he felt hot all over. His trousers were too scratchy against his skin, his palms felt clammy, and the longer you stayed silent on the other side of the car, his stomach started turning. In an effort to cool off and calm down, he let his head fall against the window, the cool glass soothing his skin.

Drunk or not, he was trying to tell you how he feels, he was constantly trying to tell you how he feels… and you didn’t say a word. You never did. It was so frustrating that he found himself biting back tears.

Finally, after what felt like hours, you cleared your throat. “You can’t…” your voice cracked, “you can’t say things like that, Harry. It hurts me when you say things like that.”

“I don’t wanna hurt you,” Harry managed to say. “But it’s the truth.”

He was so confused. How on earth could you be hurting when he was sitting here with his arms wide open? Was he so repulsive that the mere thought of being with him caused you pain, somehow?

He was too drunk for this.

Luckily, you seemed to be on the wavelength. “Let’s just… not talk,” you said, shoulders slumped.

Harry was feeling awfully dejected himself. He’d spent the last few days trying to cope with his complicated feelings, and now he was back at square one. Every time he thought he knew where the two of you stood, you would say something vague and he would start all over. Your relationship was like a house of cards; delicate, fragile, and knocked to the ground with the slightest shift, the tiniest gust of wind.

The headache started out small, but by the time you pulled your car into Harry’s driveway, he was feeling like he might keel over. Somehow, he was simultaneously drunk and hungover. If he was going to make it up the stairs to his room, he was going to need something in his stomach, and water that wasn’t from a pub bathroom.

It was humiliating enough that he’d needed you to help him from the car, but upon entering his house, he nearly kicked his shoe through the living room window, grumbling about toast. He knew he’d been less than impressive tonight, but perhaps this was what you needed -- seeing him at rock bottom -- to finally open up and have a real conversation about what you could be.

When he woke up in the morning, he would be sober, and he would be ready. He would make you coffee like he always does, and maybe he’d even run out and pick up fresh pastries.

“Want some toast,” he said, though he was fairly certain he’d said it once already.

You were standing in front of him, toes just inches apart, and it felt instinctive to place his hands on your waist and pull you in. The silk pajama top you were wearing was cool against his hands, but he could feel the heat of your skin underneath, the frantic thumping of your heart against your ribcage tickling his fingertips.

Your hands were on his shoulders to keep him steady, but he was suddenly feeling more sober than he had all night. All day, really.

Harry slid his hands further behind you, locking together behind your back. Having you close felt incredible. It hadn’t even been three days since he last saw you, yet every atom in his body was craving your touch.

“You, um,” he felt your shaky whale against his collar bone, “you have to let go of me if you want me to make you toast.”

Letting go of you felt physically impossible, so instead, Harry dipped his head down and rested his forehead against yours. The anticipation was excruciating as he waited for you to do what you always did: sink into his arms, wrap yourself around him, soothe him to sleep with the weight of your head on his chest.

Fissures cracked through his heart when you pushed him back, taking a single step back that may as well have been a mile. Suddenly, the air all around him felt cold, the room felt darker, the silence felt louder. He took a deep breath in, but still felt like he was suffocating.

“Do you really not remember?”

He needed to know. He had done everything in his power to think about anything else, but had somehow ended up here, standing face to face with you. He wonders if this is how it was supposed to be, if throwing you together over and over again was the universe’s ultimate plan, if all of this misery would be worth it in the end.

He’d experienced heartbreak before, but this was something else. And when you choked out, “Harry, please don’t make me say it,” in the smallest voice he’d ever heard you use, he knew that he could write millions of records about the pain of this moment, and still never do it justice.

“You remember, don’t you?”

All you did was nod your head once, but he suddenly felt drained. Maybe it was the full day of heavy, reckless drinking… or maybe it was the realization that things really might not work out. He still wanted to try, though. Even though you’d left the other day, there were countless other times you had stayed. For months you’d been coming over in secret, coming out of your shell and showing him how amazing you really were. That had to count for something; there had to be a reason.

Coffee. He would make coffee in the morning and the two of you would fix everything.

“Should we head to bed? ‘S getting kind of late, y’must be exhausted.”

You really did look tired, your eyes rimmed with red from yawning over and over, back hunched and shoulders slumped. He was feeling knackered himself, and was more than ready for this night to be over.

“Actually… I think I’m gonna head back home,” you gulped. Harry felt like he’d been slapped, but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. It’s as if you’d turned to sand; there one moment and slipping through his fingers the next.

“You don’t want to stay?” Harry tried to keep his voice even, but even he could hear how it wavered. He clenched his jaw to keep from crying.

“I just… have to go home,” you said, looking everywhere but at him.

He waited for you to say something else, but instead watched as you hoisted your purse further up onto your shoulder and walked out the door. Shell shocked, he stood there frozen, even as your headlights disappeared down the street.

A long breath blew past his lips as he finally moved to lock his front door, any hope of you walking back through it dashed by the way you’d walked out for a second time.

Harry likely would have benefited from a glass of water and pain medication, but with a buzzing brain and a shattered heart, all he could manage was to pass out on the couch fully clothed, dreaming about what might have been if you had just stayed.

~~~

As always, let me know what you think! I love talking to you <3 xoxoxoxox Tile

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jungshookz · 4 years ago

Text

CHAPTER SEVEN; It ends.

(1) it begins; (2) a cry for help; (3) the investigation; (4) the basement; (5) the dust; (6) the room

Warning: Brief mention of blood. Read at your own risk.

P̷̬͛͘l̸͉̣̃à̴̻̓ ̵͍̣̒̀ỳ̵͕͊e̴͎̾

r ha s chosen[?] B s hatte r glas s[e rror]

you let out a blood-curdling scream when she suddenly pounds against the mirror, and she seems to take delight in your fear, raising her other hand as well and starting to pound furiously on the glass with both fists

oh god

okay

you need to do something!

but what the fuck are you supposed to do?!

you look around hopelessly at the eight mirrors around you, finding it hard to focus when all you can hear is the distant drumming of Her slamming her hands against the glass

“focus, focus, focus-” you whimper, running a hand through your hair as you rack through your brain for some kind of an idea

you’ll take any damn idea at this poi-

shatter the glass

the thought suddenly springs into your mind and you let out a gasp when your feet almost move on their own towards the closest mirror to you

you manage to stop yourself before you get too close and you look down at your feet

what the he-

shatter the glass

once again, your feet move on their own accord and you find yourself stumbling right into a mirror

luckily you have your arms sticking out to keep you from smashing your face directly into it

okay

you have no idea how to explain this but,.., this thought doesn’t feel like your own

it’s disruptive and interrupting your train of thought and just appears out of nowher-

shatter the glass

“ah, stop!” you put both hands over your ears before shaking your head quickly, “get out of my hea-”

shatter the glass

it’s like there’s a voice in the back of your mind telling you what to do, controlling your movements and making your choices for yo-

shatter the glass

“shatter the glass...?” you breathe out, looking up at yourself in the mirror

shatter the glass

what a perfect idea

if there are no mirrors, it means that she won’t be able to get to you anymore, right?

if the mirrors are her mode of transportation, destroying them would cut her off from this world

you need to shatter the mirrors

you look over your shoulder to see Her, looking as wild as ever, pummelling her hands against the mirrors in an effort to get you to turn to look over

don’t focus on her

you have one goal and one goal only... and that’s to destroy every single one of the mirrors in this room.

“-!”

you muster all the leftover strength you have as you raise your fists suddenly before slamming them both against the mirror in front of you, your eyes instinctively squeezing shut as shards of glass practically shoot out from the sudden force

you gasp as you stumble backwards to look at the damage, surprised at how easy it was to break the mirror - the glass is almost suspiciously delicate, and when you bend down to pick a piece up, you’re surprised to see that it’s almost as thin as paper

huh

that makes things a whole lot easier, doesn’t it?

you turn around to see that She has completely frozen - for a second, you think that perhaps she’s threatened and that you finally have the upper hand

...unfortunately not

your heart jumps in your chest when she leaps over to the next mirror, and then the next, and then the next-

oh god

shatter the glass

SHATTER THE GLASS

the next couple of moments go by in a blur as you race against time - and Her - and the only thing you can hear is the sound of glass continuing to shatter and splinter over and over again, the only thing you can feel are your own fists pounding against the mirrors, and the only thing you can see is black because of how tightly your eyes are squeezed shut

“AH-!”

as you raise your arms for the umpteenth time in a row, you expect to feel your fists collide against cool glass, but your eyes pop open when you just feel and hear a gentle thud

you look around the room to see that you’ve destroyed all of the mirrors

it’s been done

you lower your arms to take a look at your raw, trembling hands

you wince as you gently pull a shard of glass out from the side of your hand, hissing at the slight sting

you toss the piece aside and it clinks to the floor gently

the silence now is almost deafening as you drop to your knees with a thud

you did it

you killed her

it’s over

“thank god…” you breathe out, squeezing your eyes shut again as the adrenaline slowly wears off and your arms and hands start to burn from the strain

the evil has been destroyed

this nightmare is finally over

“okay.” you mumble to yourself, wiping your hands on your jeans before slowly rising back up to the ground, “time to find a way out of here.”

an ear-piercing scream exits your mouth when you turn around only to see Her standing directly in front of you, a large gash slashed into her face from ear to ear

you’re too petrified to scream as you watch the blood dribble down the lower half of her face before dripping onto the floor

the sound of her flesh squelching sickens you as the apples of her cheeks rise before she tilts her head to smile at you for the first time

she lunges forward and immediately grabs your face, her cold, bony fingers burrowing into your mouth and-

“NO-!”

you shoot straight up from your bed, your chest heaving from exertion

“wh- wha-” you pant, looking around to see that you’re in the safety of your bedroom

you reach up to feel your face, very thankful that your mouth is still where it should be

oh god

oh thank GOD

it was just a dream

it was just a bad, awful nightmare

none of it was real!

you’re fine!

you let out a sigh of relief as you slouch against your headboard before looking at your laptop

you lean forward to grab it before sliding it onto your lap

it’s pretty hot underneath and it’s whirring because it’s nearly out of battery

3%!!

how long were you passed out for??

chapter seven; it ends.

you blink at the page you have open on your browser before shaking your head

“stupid story-” you grumble to yourself as you slap your laptop shut before gently setting it aside

serves you right for reading a frickin horror story before bed

if you wanted to do something spooky to celebrate halloween you should’ve just watched something on netflix like a normal person

also, why would you even go on tumblr in search of scary stories?

everyone knows that the tumblr ones aren’t scary at all and are written by those types of writers who try a little too hard to make their stories scary

you should’ve gone to look at the urban legends on creepypasta if you wanted a real scare

“i’m fine, everything’s fine...” you whisper, reaching over to grab your phone that’s sitting on the bedside table

you squint a little from the sharp brightness and you hurry to lower it before you go blind

to: kook [2:59AM] - i just had the weirdest dream and you were in it lol i’ll tell u about it tomorrow

you’re about to set your phone back down when it buzzes in your hand

you flip it around to see that jungkook’s already texted you back

from: kook [3:00AM] - :)

you can’t help but wonder why jungkook’s still awake at this hour

and then you realize it’s probably because he’s playing video games or something

well

you’re going to go to bed because you’re exhausted

that nightmare was both physically and mentally draining

you narrow your eyes as you look at yourself in the large mirror that’s sitting directly across from your bed

you don’t know how you feel about having a large mirror located directly in front of you anymore

mirrors are weird

you hook two fingers into both corners of your mouth before pulling it up into a smile

you stick your tongue out and wag it around before pulling your fingers out and chuckling to yourself

hmph

“she wants my smile...” you snort, wiping your fingers on the duvet cover before shaking your head, “over my dead body.”

you lean over to turn your bedside lamp off before lying back and snuggling into the covers

you flip over so that you’re on your back, staring blankly into space until your eyes adjust to the darkness

it’s interesting how the mind works, isn’t it?

how it clings onto memories that you just want to forget about

how it nestles trauma into the very depths of your mind only to bring it back out at the most inconvenient of times

you pull your blanket up further before resting both arms over on top of it and letting out a small sigh as you begin to feel yourself drifting away into a deep sleep

right as you’re about to fall asleep, a little speck of dust floats past your face in the soft glow of the moonlight

you smile lightly at the recollection of the spooky dust in chapter five of the story you just read before shaking your head

but as your eyelids begin to flutter shut, you hear something that sends a chill directly down your spine

the faint creak of your bedroom door makes your eyes shoot open and you find yourself completely paralyzed with fear when you suddenly hear something from the foot of your bed-

tap

don’t you see, p̵̺̮̾̕ĺ̶̡̗a̷͍̓ỵ̴͚̂̒è̸̩ṟ̵̲̿?

your nightmare hasn’t ended at all

it’s only just b̶͈͒ê̴̬͑g̷̩̦̋u̵̧̝͌͘n̴̳̈́͐.

GAME OVER. TRY AGAIN?

#choh2020 #choh2020 drabbles

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racingtoaredlight · 3 years ago

Text

THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK TWO, A MUDDLED AND MAUDLIN WEEK OF MAYHEM IN HONOR OF THOSE WE LOST

RTARL would like to extend our warmest holiday wishes to those who celebrate and, even if you don’t, happy 9/11. Now who’s ready for some FOOTBALL!!!!?!?!

So after two weeks of games that combine to count as only one official week even though some teams have already played twice we have only one real question answered: is Alabama still good? Yes, they are. Everything else is still liquefying vapor.

I am assuming everybody is waiting with baited breath for an RTARLsman but I don’t have anything yet. I guess the not-Master Teague RBs on Ohio State are the frontrunners for now. Or that one guy from that one team who was good. You know who I mean.

Saturday, September 11

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Illinois at Virginia 11:00am ACCN

Jeff George won Citrus Bowl MVP for the Illini against the Hoos in his last game as a student athlete before becoming the #1 overall pick in the 1990 NFL Draft. Based on this history it is safe to presume that whoever the QB is for Illinois today will be the #1 pick in 2022.

VMI at Kent State 11:30am ESPN3

I’m not sure on this but maybe this game is cancelled.

WKU at Army 11:30am CBSSN

Army is favored by 6. I bet this game is boring.

Norfolk State at Wake Forest 12:00pm ACCNX

I don’t see a line listed but whatever it is bet against Wake covering.

Indiana State at Northwestern 12:00pm BTN

This game is an act of terrorism.

Alabama State at 25 Auburn 12:00pm SECN

Real body bag season starts today, huh?

Youngstown State at Michigan State 12:00pm BTN

The Michigan State running back is the guy I was trying to think of earlier! He’s pretty good. Not good enough to make me watch this but I will check on his stats every so often.

Tulsa at Oklahoma State 12:00pm FS1

I bet Mike Gundy has some really salient thoughts on the 20th anniversary of 9/11 and I can’t wait to hear them.

South Carolina at East Carolina 12:00pm ESPN2

South Carolina is a two point favorite against an East Carolina team that is, per my understanding, not exactly good. So I can only extrapolate that South Carolina is likewise not good.

Pitt at Tennessee 12:00pm ESPN

Look, I’m not going to pretend this is good television but if Pitt rocks their classic yellow helmets and Tennessee wears non-alternates the colors on the screen will at least be pleasing. The thought of the actual football involved hurts my brain but it’s interesting that the points have gone from a consensus pick ‘em to Pitt -3 over the course of the week. Does Tennessee have any players that are good enough that by missing the game they could impact the gambling that much? Or are people just squaring themselves with the fact the the Vols are really and truly a ruined burnt out hole of a football program? Pound the latter.

12 Oregon at 3 Ohio State 12:00pm FOX

Losing Kayvon Thibideaux certainly isn’t going to help Oregon but he’s not usually on the field as a run stopper anyway and if Ohio State learned anything last week it’s that they can just run until they feel like throwing a pass. Oregon actually has some legit talent on the d-line besides Thibideaux but the Ducks are gonna be hard-pressed to keep things within two scores here.

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota 12:00pm ESPN

If Oregon can’t make a game of it in Columbus look out because this time block is an absolute wasteland. There is scant reason to turn the TV on for the early schedule other than gambling purposes.

Kennesaw State at Georgia Tech 12:00pm RSN/ESPN3

Georgia Tech probably should have closed up shop after Paul Johnson retired. Either that or just absolutely slathered the football program in dollars. The Yellow Jackets being unable to land any big time recruits while playing in Atlanta is a real mindfuck. They aren’t a AA program playing dress up in a “power” conference they’ve got actual history. I don’t mean to give the impression I want them to be good but I don’t understand how they can be such fodder for so long.

13 Florida at USF 1:00pm ABC

Remember that year when USF was the best program in the state? Wild stuff. Weird, wild stuff. I know the deal with UF is that they don’t go out of state for contract games but it’s actually kind of surprising they even bothered to keep this trip to Tampa on the schedule. Like the area recruits would probably be happier to go see a game at The Swamp than to kick around their hometown for a pile of shit like this.

Wyoming at NIU 1:30pm ESPN+

I’m not gonna open the ESPN app for this but if it was on ESPN2 I’d probably check in on it during commercials. Aesthetically pleasing trash with an upside for actual entertainment.

Middle Tennessee at 19 Virginia Tech 2:00pm ACCNX

Virginia Tech’s home crowd scene was the normie story of last week’s games. People that don’t watch college football were either aghast or frantically waving their blue lives matter flags in response. Us in this space just ate the shame and forgot it happened by the time Saturday’s games kicked off. My theory is that VPI is not actually any good but UNC’s 2020 season was a well-timed fluke and the last hurrah of Mack Brown’s storied coaching career. The Hokies are at home, though, and MTSU is almost certainly not on the same athletic level as the Turkey Gobblers so I’d probably take the home team -20 if I were so inclined to wager on this particular game that is being broadcast on the ACC’s new pornography channel.

Rutgers at Syracuse 2:00pm ACCN

Holy fuck does this game suck. Reuniting former Big East, uh, rivals (??? does Rutgers have any natural enemies?) in a cross-conference classic betwixt the B1G and the ACC.

Duquesne at Ohio 2:00pm ESPN3

I don’t think I need to explain to you all the national title implications riding on this game.

Toledo at 8 Notre Dame 2:30pm Peacock

Just remember that if you subscribe to Peacock you are at the very least tacitly supporting Notre Dame. If for some reason you’re watching this please report back on how many of those defensive pick plays Notre Dame runs. They were doing that shit constantly against Florida State last week and it drove me nuts. I think the idea is that you are so flagrantly illegal so often that the refs grow numb to it and just don’t call it at all.

Robert Morris at Central Michigan 3:00pm ESPN3

Not to be outdone by the early games, the 3 o’clock set is equally terrible.

Purdue at UConn 3:00pm CBSSN

I bet Edsall still gets bonuses for stupid shit even now that he’s retired or whatever the official designation was for him no longer coaching.

Boston College at UMass 3:30pm FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t know what FloFootball is but I know it isn’t anything to do with the state of Florida.

Ball State at 11 Penn State 3:30pm FS1

It surprises me to see Penn State as only -22.5 favorites. That seems very kind to Ball State. Hopefully I’m wrong and the Ball State Lettermans take it to the Sanduskys.

Murray State at 7 Cincinnati 3:30pm ESPN+

Practice week continues.

Temple at Akron 3:30pm ESPN+

Pound the under.

Georgia Southern at Florida Atlantic 3:30pm Stadium

There is really nothing going on this week.

Air Force at Navy 3:30pm CBS

Middies vs. Fly Boys in the first leg of the Commander’s Cup on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11. I can’t imagine the amount of emotional manipulation that’s going to make its way onto this broadcast. Normally I watch these games but I don’t think I can do it this year.

UAB at 2 Georgia 3:30pm ESPN2

Georgia may well be absurdly talented on the defensive side of the ball but I’d be surprised to see them make it through the regular season with fewer than two losses.

5 Texas A&M at Colorado 3:30pm FOX

This is only interesting if the Aggies spring a leak.

California at TCU 3:30pm ESPNU

Things most certainly are not looking up.

Buffalo at Nebraska 3:30pm BTN

Nebraska is in an interesting position because if they buck the odds and end up being good after we’ve all been so ready to see a National Championship-winning coach get fired that would be funny but if they end up being really bad it’s even funnier. Go Bulls!

Mercer at 1 Alabama 4:00pm SECN

I’ll cry a little if Saban pulls the starters in the first half and the Tide beats Mercer by less than they beat Miami.

South Alabama at Bowling Green 4:00pm ESPN+

10 Iowa at 9 Iowa State 4:30pmABC

This is not the kind of top 10 matchup I can just sit idly by and let it happen. Your silence is complicity in this monstrous display of modernity.

SC State at 6 Clemson 5:00pm ACCN

Clemson dropped all the way to #6 and they’ll hang around the top of the polls because they don’t have the toughest conference schedule in the world but my confidence in them is not high right now. I think the new QB is just a guy. He’s talented as hell but I don’t see him being great.

Illinois State at Western Michigan 5:00pm ESPN3

This is either MACtion or MACtion adjacent and I have only one word for this midwestern trash: abhorrent.

LIU at West Virginia 5:00pm ESPN+

LIU plays football?

Lamar at UTSA 6:00pm ESPN3

Downside: You’re watching one of the least important games of the year. Upside: You’re really not missing anything.

Portland State at Washington State 6:00pm P12N

Washington State was a perfect spot for the stupid pirate fuckhead and his leaving has ruined the program and, eventually, his reputation. Not relevant to this game necessarily but this game isn’t relevant to anything else, either.

Gardner-Webb at Charlotte 6:00pm ESPN3

Oh, yeah, feel the excitement.

Bethune-Cookman at UCF 6:30pm ESPN+

Go Cats.

NC Central at Marshall 6:30pm ESPN+

The hits keep coming.

Houston at Rice 6:30pm CBSSN

I’ve always had a soft spot for Holgo and for Houston football but somehow I really don’t like seeing him coach the Cougs. This is SWC magic but with no magic. UNLESS! Houston can put up 100. I don’t think they even have the guys to do it but this is Rice we’re talking about here.

Nicholls at Louisiana 7:00pm ESPN3

Keep the energy up.

North Texas at SMU 7:00pm ESPN+

I bet is MS621 were still alive he’d be at this game giving Spencer’s boys hell. Sadly he died doing what he loved, curing his COVID by eating ivermectin paste out of a horse’s butt. R.I.P., friend. Neigh to you wherever you are.

Southeastern La. at Louisiana Tech 7:00pm ESPN3

Even the low tier stuff is geared up for annihilation. This is a bodybag week for all time.

Memphis at Arkansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Memphis getting less than a touchdown against Arkansas State seems like easy money but I have no real concept of either of these teams just yet. Maybe the end is nigh for the Tigers glory years? I sure hope not but it’s possible.

NC State at Mississippi State 7:00pm ESPN2

This game should be as fun as a parents funeral.

Southern Illinois at Kansas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Over the past week I experienced derision for referring the the guys in purple and silver as “Kansas State” instead of “K State” and that stung because it always surprises me that anybody cares about them enough to have a strong opinion about them.

Stephen F. Austin at Texas Tech 7:00pm ESPN+

Shrugs

15 Texas at Arkansas 7:00pm ESPN

Let’s see if Texas is ready to run with the big boys of the SEC! Arkansas is given a decent shot to win this game and that makes the “15″ next to Texas appear extremely suspect in my eyes.

Texas Southern at Baylor 7:00pm ESPN+

This week Texas Southern is the people’s champion.

Texas State at FIU 7:00pm ESPN+

Oh, Butch, why have you done this to yourself?

Western Carolina at 4 Oklahoma 7:00pm PPV

All the Westen Carolina fans are buying this PPV to see their guys score 40.

New Mexico State at New Mexico 7:00pm Stadium

I looked up the historic rivalry last year to figure out why it was played early in the season instead of at the end but I’ve forgotten and don’t feel the need to look it up again. I figured out how to watch Stadium on my TV but I also forgot that and don’t feel the need to look it up again.

Appalachian State at 22 Miami (FL) 7:00pm ESPNU

My gut tells me Miami is probably legitimately about the 14th best team in the country but I still would never advise you to bet actual money on the Hurricanes. Are they 9 points better than App State? Easily. They should win by 20+. Are they liable to fuck around and lose or scrape out a win in the final seconds? Absolutely. Let’s fuckin’ go.

Morgan State at Tulane 7:00pm ESPN+

A lot of people learned to love the Green Wave last week but it’s hard to keep that going with their schedule. Don’t forget them later in the year when the CBSSN glow is really shining.

Liberty at Troy 7:00pm ESPN+

Liberty -4 is maybe my surest advice of the week. If Malik Willis is as good as his press the fake school should have this game on ice early.

Eastern Michigan at 18 Wisconsin 7:00pm FS1

I find Wisconsin’s losing effort against Penn State last week to be a personal affront against me and all of nature.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNX

I think this game being broadcast at night on ACCNX means they’re playing naked.

Grambling State at Southern Miss 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on an app.

Hampton at Old Dominion 7:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that belongs on a well-worn high school football field.

Austin Peay at 20 Mississippi 7:30pm ESPN+/SECN+

This is a pretty big OOC game for an SEC team.

Georgia State at 24 North Carolina 7:30pm RSN/ESPN3

One of several GSUs, I think this is the one I most hope emerges victorious this week.

Idaho at Indiana 7:30pm BTN

Wait, wasn’t Indiana like #10 last week? What the hell happened to them? No, don’t tell me. Seriously, don’t.

Missouri at Kentucky 7:30pm SECN

When the SEC hits 24 teams the “S!E!C!” chants are gonna seem really stupid.

Howard at Maryland 7:30pm BTN

There’s no official line for this game but I hope the Bison can pull off the upset in this classic local rivalry game.

Jacksonville State at Florida State 8:00pm ACCN

Still shaking my head at FSU icing their own kicker. Jesus, Norvell. Get your shit together.

McNeese at LSU 8:00pm ESPN+/SECN+

LOLSU was my lock of the week last week if you’re considering taking gambling advice from me.

Washington at Michigan 8:00pm ABC

UDub lost to a 1-AA team last week and now they have to go on the road and beat Michigan. Which seems inevitable, to be honest.

Cal Poly at Fresno State 10:00pm CW59

The murder rate will continue to increase as the day progresses. I always kind of like it when a local broadcast shows up on the sheet. So pretty much none of us have legal access to this game. It makes it more special.

San Diego State at Arizona 10:00pm P12N

Pac-12 Network is similar to CW59 in that almost nobody in the country has legal access to their broadcasts. If you’ve read enough of these posts you are aware that SDSU is my weird very deep backup team. I don’t have a reason to align myself with the school or program, I just tend to enjoy watching their games.

Vanderbilt at Colorado State 10:00pm CBSSN

This is an abomination.

21 Utah at BYU 10:15pm ESPN

This is a lowkey fun rivalry. I’m pretty sure I write the same thing every year but it’s still true. Go Utes.

Stanford at 14 USC 10:30pm FOX

I think USC could win a national championship and I’d still be baffled that Clay Helton is their coach. Of course, they won’t win a national championship as long as Clay Helton is their coach but they apparently won’t ever get embarrassing enough to fire him, either.

Idaho State at Nevada 10:30pm Stadium

This is the lowpoint of the week’s schedule and you have to stay up late to watch it on a network that only exists as an app or as part of a hidden unlockable download-only level of cable subscription. This is the beauty of the college game.

UNLV at 23 Arizona State 10:30pm ESPN2

Herm Edwards figured out the trick to looking good in the Pac-12 without having a particularly great team and I can’t make up my mind if I’m rooting for him to keep sliding on that rail or to fall off it. I think I’ve come around to rooting for him but it’s a very dynamic and fluid situation.

Hawaii at Oregon State 11:00pm FS1

Hawaii gets to play at their normal time for a game against the bottom of the barrel of the Pac-12 but they’re an 11-point underdog. If you’re ever going to take Hawaii, this is the stars lining up for you to do it. It’s still a big “if” but I’m saying there’s a chance.

#college football #football #Tv watch em ups #rtarl watches tv #gambling #9/11 #two decades after 9/11

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news4bees · 4 years ago

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Things I do to make my ADD/ADHD slightly more manageable.

Full disclosure: everyone is different and non-neurotypical behaviors are not a copy-paste situation. What works for me might put others in the exact opposite head space and that’s okay. I just wanted to share what I’ve learned works for me over the years. I’ve been really struggling with my ADD/ADHD lately and I need to remind myself of the healthy coping mechanisms I’ve developed so I can implement them again.

1. Have a morning routine.

Working from home as a freelance editor / publishing consultant, I have a lot of autonomy over my day. Which is great… if I make the most of it. I learned a long time ago that I am most productive in the morning, so it’s important for me to get myself into the right head space as soon as possible. I set an alarm to get out of bed at 7:00am every day, I try and go on a walk around the neighborhood first thing (weather permitting—we don’t mess around with rain or snow), I eat breakfast (usually including either coffee or tea for caffeine purposes and warmth) and take my supplements, and prep for my day. It sounds super simple, but it’s really all about inertia. A body at rest will want to stay at rest. I’ve had just as many days where everything goes according to plan and I’m able to have a productive day as days where I don’t get out of bed until I have to drag myself to my service job in the afternoon. So having that morning routine and sticking to it can honestly be a night and day difference for me.

2. Make a schedule for my day.

I have a terrible concept of time. I can look at a task, assume it’s going to take several hours, and abandon it before I even begin. Or I can see a gap of time in my day (such as the two hours between lunch and when I have to get ready for work) and be worried it’s too small of a window to accomplish anything so I lie around instead. By creating a schedule, literally an hour-by-hour layout of how I want my day to progress, I have a tactical roadmap for how to achieve my goals. I also make sure I schedule little breaks and time to eat, walk around, shower, etc. into my day so I don’t forget. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and I have to remind myself not to get upset if I end up deviating from the schedule for one thing or another. It’s mainly supposed to help me look at my day in a way that makes more sense to me and how my brain processes time. I fully understand that there are others that might see my hour-by-hour schedule and be completely overwhelmed—that’s fine! Find what works for you.

3. Set attainable little goals.

This one goes hand in hand with making myself a schedule. If I have a giant task I need to complete at a future date, I really struggle with conceptualizing it as something I need to get started on now. I see that future date, feel overwhelmed, try to calm myself down by thinking, “It’s okay, I have time,” and will sit on that task until the last minute when I have to scramble to get it done. It’s procrastination, yes, but it’s also not feeling too overwhelmed to act on something until there is that “go go go!” anxiety-inducing pressure to get it done. So I break it down into smaller pieces and set little goals. A 352 page manuscript I have to create an index for by March? Scary. But indexing one or two chapters a day? Much more doable. This also helps me accomplish non work-related tasks, such as calling the bank or scheduling appointments or canceling a subscription—things I would have trouble accomplishing on my own otherwise because my I have trouble differentiating between “important” and “immediate”. Goals don’t have to be solely task oriented either. Set a goal to reach out to a friend you haven’t connected with in a while; set a goal to meditate for fifteen minutes, or be intentional about doing something you love like reading or art or exercise. Personally, the more things I can check off my “to-do” list the better, so I write out everything I want to try and get done, even if I would have done it regardless.

4. Keep distractions out of reach.

This one is extremely tricky for me since I work exclusively out of my room since I moved back home. I’m always surrounded by distractions, from my phone to my bookshelves to the dozens of internet tabs I constantly have open on my laptop. I have little tricks I know work for me: keeping my phone on the charger in a different room (but close enough that I can still connect to the Bluetooth), leaving the book I’m currently reading and the journal where I write my fiction in my work bag downstairs, blocking YouTube and other distracting sites from my laptop, and making my bed each morning so I’m not tempted to crawl under the covers when I’m feeling burnt out. But knowing these things will help eliminate distractions and actually implementing these techniques are two very different things for me. As I write this, my phone is on the charger next to me, my fiction journal is within easy reach and I have corresponding document opened in another tab, none of my site-brokers are enabled, and my bed is a mess of cozy blankets—all major distractions for me that I’m blatantly ignoring. So what can I do about this? Set a new goal: move my phone and journal out of the room, close unnecessary tabs, re-engage the site blockers, and make my bed. Little things to reset my headspace and get back on track.

5. Have an accountability buddy.

While freelancing gives me a lot of personal freedoms, it also means I function as my own boss. Some people might enjoy such responsibility, but I personally really struggle when I’m not constantly checking in with someone and showing them my progress. An accountability buddy doesn’t need to function like a micro-managing boss, but they should be someone you can go to and say, “Here’s what I set out to do today and here’s what I accomplished.” Currently, I do not have a good accountability buddy (my ex was my accountability buddy when we were together during my last semester at college, but he often criticized me for only working in short sprints and needing to take a lot of breaks, so I’ve been really hesitant to trust another person in that role ever since), but my mom often lets me inform her about my goals and will share some of her’s in turn; my dad and sister on the other hand get uncharacteristically angry when I ask about goals, so I’ve learned to steer clear. Mirroring is also a common strategy for ADD/ADHDers. The visual stimulation of seeing someone else working can often be a bit of a jumpstart to my brain that says, “Okay, it’s time to do things.” In the old days, this meant I would spend hours in the library or at coffee shop doing my homework instead of my apartment because I was surrounded by others with similar tasks. Now, if I find myself needing a mirror I’ll move my operation to the kitchen table so that I’m closer to where my mom works and I can feed off her productive energy, so to speak.

6. Give myself grace.

Whenever I have an unproductive day, my first instinct is to be angry or upset at myself. What kind of person spends the entire day in bed and doesn’t get a single thing done? This would lead me down a self-deprecating path of calling myself useless and a garbage person, which is a big trigger for my depression and I can easily find myself spiraling. ADD/ADHD means my brain functions differently, but at the end of the day my brain still works. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid or lazy, and a bad day doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. My schedule and my list of goals are a template to help me focus, but if something happens that gets me off task, whether intentional or unintentional, I have to remind myself that it is not the end of the world. I have to give myself grace and forgiveness, because things happen.

I’d be really interested to hear what other strategies people have developed to manage their ADD/ADHD, especially in the midst of a pandemic that might have altered the way we approach our days. Keep being awesome!

#adhd brain #adhd things #adult adhd #coping mechanism

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