#<- me reminding myself that I had top surgery every time the horrors get a bit too much

[shrews-things]

So fed up with university it's not even funny anymore 😔

[etherealspacejelly]

whats it like being a grownup??

honestly? its been a blast so far!

once i turned 18 the first things i did were change my name legally and get myself on the wait list for gender services. its been 2 years now and every day i am a step closer!

i had a job for a while and made hella money and was able to buy a bunch of cool stuff that i wanted and i still have a bunch of it left over that i am saving to get top surgery

i moved out of my mums house! that has been Unreal in improving my mental health. i had no idea how much living with my parents was getting me down until i was out of there. i am now in full control of my time, my body, and my space.

a strange side effect is that teenagers seem so Young now. when you are 14 you feel so grown up and you think you look and act like an adult but then suddenly you are 20 and looking at all the 14 year olds like My God These Are Children. but like. not in a "you shouldnt have autonomy and i dont respect you" way, more like "why is no one protecting you from The Horrors??? why is no one loving you and supporting you and telling you you're doing great??? why would anyone be mean to these kids!!"

and just because you're an adult doesn't mean you have to grow up lol. i still sleep with plushies in my bed and have fnaf posters up on my walls. just because you have to do your own food shopping and laundry doesnt mean you cant also play in the park with your friends.

you have so much life ahead of you. it doesnt end when you turn 18. yeah some stuff sucks but some stuff Always sucks thats life under capitalism babey! you gotta find the little joys. remind yourself of how far you've come and how much better things are. being a grown up is about freedom. its about autonomy. its about being In Control. and yeah that means you gotta keep your flesh prison alive and clean but it also means you get to spend your time however you want! and thats awesome

and it also means you get to look out for the kids the way you wish grown ups would have looked out for you. :)

[quillfeather21]

Genshin Characters as Stupid Things I’ve Done

Amber: sprained my ankle but continued to run on it anyways because ‘it’ll stop hurting in a little bit’

Aether: put a tin cup in the microwave

Albedo: mixed all of my old paints together to create ‘Franken-paint’ and accidentally drank the paint water as I surveyed my creation

Ayato: impulsively bought a fox squishmalllow because ‘I was sad’

Ayaka: started to cry on the beach when I realized my bucket was too small to carry all the shells I wanted to take with me

Beidou: drank a month old soda I found in my room because I was thirsty

Bennett: held a paper towel over a candle and was surprised when it caught on fire

Barbara: fell down the stairs after my solo in the church Christmas program

Chongyun: squeezed myself into the corner of my closet to take a nap and shut the door, causing my family to lose me for several hours

Childe: Threw my cousin off of the top of the playhouse and nearly caused him to break his leg. I then convinced my grandma that he had fallen and that I had nothing to do with it

Diluc: took too many pain meds at school and passed out in my study hall due to having over half of the lethal dosage in my system (I had just had foot surgery)

Diona: hissed at a man after he called me ‘girly’

Fischl: Yelled at a boy because he forgot that Lewis Carroll wrote The Jabberwocky (he thought the teacher just made the poem up)

Ganyu: took really nice notes only for the teacher to tell us it would be a ‘no notes’ test

Gorou: Won a capture the flag game single-handedly by putting the flag in my mouth and booking it through the woods towards my base

Heizou: told the teacher ‘the wind hit him’ after I hit a boy for taking my toy away before I was done playing with it

Hu Tao: chased my cousins, laughing maniacally, with a pair of tongs going ‘snappy snappy’ as they screamed in horror

Itto: Got chased by a dust devil after my grandma sent me out into the cornfield to go get the dogs

Klee: hid an aerosol can in my dad’s burn pile to see what would happen

Kaeya: refused to take off my jacket in 80°F weather because ‘it completes the look’

Kokomi: took three weeks to organize my bookshelf because I had to find another book shelf

Kujou Sara: Made a Junior in high school call me ‘Ma’am’ after yelling at him as a 7th grader

Lumine: got hit on by a lesbian in front of a Barnes and Noble

Noelle: watched in horror as a little boy stuck his finger into the cake I decorated for the fair, which was meant to go to the state fair a week later

Paimon: ate an entire bag of chips for the sole reason of so my father couldn’t have any

Qiqi: left my phone on the counter and started to cry because I couldn’t find it

Rosaria: dropped my Bible in church and said ‘Damn it’ audibly loud

Raiden Shogun: Ate an entire cake by myself in two days

Shenhe: threw a pencil at the back of a boy, aiming for his skull with the full intent to cause him harm

Shinobu: Did an entire presentation by myself because I didn’t trust my group to do it

Thoma: cried as a cradled a kitten because it put its paw on my nose

Venti: drank a six pack of ginger ale and then wondered why my stomach hurt, so I drank another one to settle it

Xinyan: forgot the words in the middle of a song, so I made random stuff up until I got to the chorus

Xingqiu: Made my friend snort salt and laughed when he started to cry

Xiangling: Ate an entire bag of dehydrated marshmallows and then started to cry because I felt sick

Xiao: smacked a boy across the head with an empty Pepsi bottle because he was annoying me. The teachers watched and did nothing

Yae Miko: Told the freshman class of my school that “Caesar thought he was the best too and look where that got him” and made them cry after they got open campus taken from the High School for a month.

Yelan: Had a deal with several boys in my class that I would supply them with wire and other hardware if they wouldn’t tag me during games of tag. I reminded them every time they tried that if they tagged me, they would get any more washers or copper wire to mess with

Zhongli: Co-taught my senior year history class with the history teacher because no one else paid attention to him

[doc-pickles]

i won’t hesitate (for you) chapter eight

Jo is happy, at least she feels like she is. When someone from her past shows up, will her and her daughter’s world ever go back to normal? Or will things change for good?

Hey friends... So it's been over a month.... I bet you guys thought this story was done... Honestly for a moment I did too and I was super bummed because I love this story so much. But stepping away from my writing and focusing on myself did the trick and I am now happy to report that I have the WHOLE ENTIRE rest of Hesitate planned out and I'm slowly (very slowly) chipping away at writing to make those plans a reality. Thanks to all of you for being so patient and for wanting me to continue this project!! You're the beeeeeest!! xoxo Nina

-

“Jo… Jo come back to bed, baby. Alarm doesn’t go off for ten minutes.”

Izzie stared down Alex’s still sleeping figure, watching him for a moment before continuing to walk around the room and get ready for the day. Every morning for the past week, Alex would always call out for Jo when Izzie got out of bed for work. She didn’t think he knew, but the words annoyed her more and more everyday.

“Babe, come back,” Alex groaned, rolling on to his stomach and reaching out for the side of the bed that Izzie had just left. “Jo… Jo…”

“I’m not Jo, Alex,” Izzie exclaimed in frustration, prompting Alex to fly up in bed and look from the empty side of the bed to Izzie. “I am not Jo! And I never will be and if that’s a problem for you, then you can run back to Seattle!”

“Izzie no… I’m sorry I,” Alex ran a hand through his hair and let out a groan. “I wanna stay here for the kids but I… I don’t think you and I are going to work out this time.”

“Why would it ever? You’re just the same pathetic man I left ten years ago,” Izzie threw a pillow towards Alex as she walked out of the bedroom. “I can’t believe you, Alex. Actually I can! You’re still not good enough for me.”

-

Deep breaths. In, out, in, out. Good, you can do this. Today will be a breeze.

Jo had found out about her pregnancy a month ago and every day since then had consisted of her trying to keep her breakfast down. Some days were better than others, but today might be the worst. She’d had to break out her elastic banded scrubs this morning because her regular scrubs wouldn’t pull up over her hips. The elastic was much more comfortable, but the thought of her body changing again had sent Jo into a fit of tears on the bathroom floor which resulted in her throwing up for almost 20 minutes.

“Karev! I’ve got an abdominal obstruction and I think we’re gonna need an emergency colostomy surgery,” Owen sidled up to Jo as the two walked into the ER, the older man sending Jo a grin. “But that’s up to you of course. Good luck!”

Jo grabbed the chart outside Trauma Room 2, entering the room with a forced smile. Her stomach had been flipping back and forth since she woke up this morning and she’d thrown up twice before she came into work. Apparently her baby was not happy to be residing in her uterus.

“Hi Mr. Little, I'm Doctor Karev and I’m gonna check you out real quick and we’ll see where to go from there,” Jo tried to put on a happy face as her stomach churned unpleasantly. She grabbed her stethoscope and began her routine check. “You said you’ve been having stomach pain, how long has that been going on for?”

“About three days,” the older man let out a groan as Jo began to palpate his abdomen. “Oh that’s not a pleasant feeling. A little softer dear or…”

Jo looked up as her patient fell silent, watching in abject horror as the man leaned forward and vomited across his lap. Moving as quickly as she could, Jo leapt back but was greeted with blowback across her chest and arms.

“Oh god,” Jo’s stomach flipped a final time before she turned to her left and emptied her stomach onto the floor of the ER. Jo felt as if the whole room was staring her down as she stood next to a pile of her own vomit. It was as if those dreams of going to school naked had come alive, a feeling of horror washing over Jo as she processed what had just happened.

“What the hell is happening,” Owen rushed over, looking from Jo to her patient, who was staring at her in shock. “Mr. Little, I’ll get you another doctor right away. And someone to help you clean up. Karev, follow me.”

Turning to follow Owen, Jo paused as the scent of vomit overwhelmed her senses once again. Stepping around Owen, Jo leaned over the closest trash bin and emptied her stomach again, a strangled cry leaving her as the acid burned her throat.

“You can go home,” Owen was standing behind Jo now, a gentle hand resting on her back as she stayed bent over. “We’ll survive without you. Go home, Jo.”

A heavy sigh left Jo as she nodded to Owen, standing up and heading upstairs for the attendings lounge. She hadn’t even been out of the house for an hour and she felt like the whole day was going down the drain.

Pressing a hand against the growing swell of her stomach, Jo silently begged the little life resting there to just calm down for the rest of the day. Her almost 12 week bump was harder to camouflage, but Jo knew that the closer she came to her second trimester the less her morning sickness would be an issue. She let out a heavy sigh, head popping up as the empty elevator chimed, signaling that it had arrived at its destination and was kicking Jo off into reality.

“I’m looking for Doctor Karev, it’s not a hard question to answer!”

Jo groaned as she turned a corner, not wanting to deal with anyone else today. Her job came first though, so she walked to the nurses station and put on a brave face.

“I’m Doctor Karev, what’s the issue,” Jo looked from the nurse to the woman standing in front of her, feeling as if she’d just been punched in the gut. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Jo had never met Izzie Stevens, but the woman was unmistakable.  Her painted lips turned down at the sight of Jo standing in front of her, obviously disappointed that she wasn’t Alex. The perfectly curled blonde hair and full face of makeup didn’t sit well with Jo, realizing with a flash of anger exactly why the woman was there.

“I’m not here for you, I’m here for Alex,” Izzie came around to stand a few feet in front of Jo, arms crossed as she stared her down. “Why don’t you tell me where your ex husband is and we can all get along.”

“Oh I am not starting with you today, you need to take your pathetic ass back to Kansas,” Jo took a step forward, arms crossing to mirror Izzie’s stance. She knew she was attracting attention, she could see Levi frantically grasping for his pager out of the corner of her eye, but she couldn’t stop herself. “You know as well as I do that Alex doesn’t want to see you. You fucked him over and he’s moved on. And I know damn well he’s not going to want to talk to you.”

Izzie stared at Jo for a moment, her lips finally turning into a smile as she began to laugh at her. Jo could feel her blood boiling, her heart rate pounding loudly in her ears as she clenched her fists in an attempt to keep herself planted in her spot.

“Oh please, I’m sure that bratty kid of yours isn’t even his either, stop putting on this picture perfect princess show,” Izzie chuckled, narrowing her eyes as she saw Jo’s face redden. “Oh did I hit a nerve? Serves you right you-”

“You’re a sorry excuse for a mom if you think putting your kids through what you did was the right thing,” Jo’s voice rose and she took a final step towards Izzie, her face inches from the older woman’s. She shouldn’t retaliate, but Izzie had gotten under Jo’s skin and she wasn’t going to let her get the last word.

“And you’re a shitty person on top of that for what you dragged Alex through. So you can talk about your stupid children of the corn and you can even talk about how much you fucked over Alex, but you do not get to talk about MY daughter. If I hear her name in your mouth again, so help me I will drag you back to Kansas by your hair myself you self absorbed home wrecking psycho.”

That set Izzie off, her hands coming up for Jo just as Alex ran up and pulled her away from the blonde. Jo, for what it was worth, was thankful that he’d come when he did because she wasn’t entirely sure that she could have kept her hands to herself.

“Jesus Christ! Don't you dare lay a hand on her Izzie,” Alex’s voice bellowed through the halls as he stared down his ex. “What the hell are you even doing here?”

“Well I came to check on you, but it seems that your washed up ex here has you fooled once again. Are you even sure this one is yours? Or maybe she trapped you on purpose this time,” Izzie sneered, eyes roaming down to Jo’s stomach. The dark blue scrubs were pulled tight against her abdomen as Alex held her, making it clear as day that she was pregnant. “You’re lucky you’re pregnant, I would ha-”

“You’re lucky I’m pregnant,” Jo yelled back, Alex tightening his grip on her as she tried to break away from him. “You’d be out cold right now if I wasn’t you stupid bitch!”

“I don’t want you here Iz, and I really don’t appreciate you yelling at Jo like that,” Jo could feel the anger radiating off of Alex as he set Izzie straight. She could tell that Alex’s firm grip on her arms wasn’t just to her benefit, but his too as he held back his barely restrained rage. “Might I remind you that you’re the one that spent three years lying to my face about the paternity of your kids.”

“Now what the hell is happening in my hospital,” all three doctors turned as Miranda Bailey walked up to the scene, Meredith trailing behind her with a sour look on her face. “Izzie Stevens, I know damn well you’re not standing here right now screaming and threatening to physically attack a doctor of this hospital, and a pregnant one at that.”

“Doctor Bailey, I-”

“That’s enough from you,” Bailey fixed Izzie with a glare, eyes narrowing threateningly as she looked upon the doctor she’d once known so well. “You’re going to turn around and walk out of here and you are not to set foot in Grey Sloan again unless they bring you in a damn ambulance or so help me I will have the police here faster than you can say ‘LVAD wire’. Are we clear?” Watching the situation in front of her play out, Jo could feel the familiar pull of anxiety coursing through her. She’d been able to keep it at bay since Alex had come back home, but the ocean of worry and fear began to crest in her stomach again. Her heart began to beat unsteadily as she brought her hand to cover Alex’s on her arm, her feet feeling more unsteady the longer she dwelled on what just happened.

“Jo? You okay?”

Jo’s eyes snapped up to Meredith, who was looking at her quizzically. She could feel Alex tensing behind her, his grip on her tightening as he looked her over. She could feel herself begin to sweat and her forehead heating up as she leaned her weight against Alex.

“Babe? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine, I’m just a little anxious,” Jo knew as soon as the words came out that Alex would understand what she meant. The nerves in her body were shot and she was pretty sure she’d pass out if she attempted to move out of Alex’s arms. She lowered her voice as she squeezed Alex’s hand, “I just really need to get out of here. Please.”

Alex nodded to Meredith before he began to lead Jo away from the tense hallway, his arms never leaving their place around her shoulders as they headed for the attendings lounge. Her breathing was ragged by the time she sat on the couch in the lounge, Alex’s hand running over her back as sobs began to well up from within her.

“You don’t believe her right? You don’t think I lied to you about Harper or this baby do you,” Jo tried to keep herself composed as she looked up at Alex, but the sad expression on his face made her begin to cry even more. “I swear I wouldn’t do that to you Alex, please don’t believe her.”

“Jo don’t listen to a word that comes out of her mouth. I know you’d never lie to me like that,” Alex wrapped his arm around Jo, bringing her into his side as she continued to cry. “I know you’re not trying to trap me, I know you. You’re a brilliant surgeon, an excellent mother and a fantastic wife, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Jo felt the wave of anxiety crash inside of her finally, Alex’s words doing little to ease her thoughts as she continued to sob loudly. She held a hand to her chest as her mind began to reel from the words that had been thrown at her.

“I can’t… I can’t breathe,” Jo choked out between sobs, gasping loudly as she tried in vain to calm herself down. “I’m so sorry… Alex I’m sorry.”

“Babe, look at me, come on Jo,” Alex held his fingers under Jo’s chin and waited for her to look up and meet his eyes. “Breathe with me, in and out. You’re not doing yourself or the baby any good by freaking out. Deep breaths, there you go.”

Jo’s breathing evened out as she followed Alex’s instructions, moving a hand down to cradle her stomach as she closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing. When she was satisfied, she leaned her head against Alex’s forehead and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry it’s just… I wasn’t expecting that today. Or ever,” Jo let a low chuckle out, eyes fluttering open to meet Alex’s. “And I might’ve thrown up on the ER floor earlier but that’s not important.”

“Yeah you smell like fish guts,” Alex joked as he pressed a kiss to Jo’s hair. “Let’s go get Harper and go home. We can put on a movie and relax, okay?”

“That sounds like the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

+

“She picked the movie, I had no say in it,” Jo walked out of the bathroom and looked from Alex to Harper with a smirk. “Come on Jo, you know I can’t say no to her.”

“I know you can’t, you’re a big softie.”

Jo settled into Alex's left side, his hand coming around her to settle his hand against the curve of her stomach as Harper cuddled deeper into his right side. She’d showered and changed while Alex and Harper had set up in the living room to watch Moana upon Harper’s insistence. After their unsettling morning, neither of them wanted to be anywhere else.

“I’m sorry about what happened, if I had even the slightest idea that she would come here I would have told you Jo, believe me,” Alex’s tone was hushed as he kept his eyes on Harper. “That part of my life is over, I’m going to file a protective order for all three of us tomorrow.”

“Alex, I-”

“No, I can’t keep going to work worrying about you two every second of the day,” Alex finally turned his gaze back to Jo, eyes scanning her worriedly. “I… when I went back to Kansas to settle everything Izzie pulled some crazy stuff. Things I didn’t think she was capable of and things I don’t want you or Harper or this little one to be subjected to. So please, let me do this so I can feel like I’m doing something to help.”

Burrowing her head into Alex’s chest, Jo nodded and used one hand to run through Harper’s curls. The little girl meant more to her than anything, along with her sibling still growing in Jo’s womb. Her and Alex could agree on that much, so she would let him do what he felt was needed to protect them.

“Daddy quiet,” Harper poked at Alex and then pointed back to the television. “Watch movie.”

Jo felt Alex’s chest rumble as he laughed at Harper, her heart feeling lighter than it had in years as she enjoyed the quiet evening with her daughter and her… well Alex was definitely something. She wasn’t eager to label things, afraid it would disrupt the sense of peace they’d fallen into, but she had a good feeling about their relationship this time around.

“Mm I found another house for us to look at this weekend, it’s close to the hospital and it has a big backyard,” Jo looked up to Alex, who’s eyes were already on her. “I think we should put an offer in on this one. Trust me.” “I do, I’d trust you with my life,” a knock sounded at the door, Alex prying himself away from both girls who had no problems voicing their displeasure with him. “Sorry girls, I gotta get the pizza and I know neither of you were going to stand up and get it.”

“Just gives me an excuse to cuddle with Harps here,” Jo pulled Harper into her lap, the little girl giggling as her mom wrapped her up in her arms.

Jo and Harper sat in silence for a minute, intently watching the movie playing out. When Alex didn’t return, Jo turned around to see what he was up to, only to find him still standing by the door.

“Alex?”

“She’s taking me to court,” Alex muttered, holding up a small stack of papers. “Izzie served me and she’s taking me to court for child support.”

[grouptalekindnesssoulstories]

You can’t be my soulmate!

So, I kinda got a sugar rush when I was watching a tiktok compilation on youtube. And the idea of the first words but with multiple people popped in my head. So I decided to do a lil snippet. I may still have too much in my system but eehhhhhhh just makes my brain go zoom!

Warnings: Misgendering, manipulation, a mention of homophobia, mention of disownment

What are you laughing at hot topic? haunted each day that Virgil didn’t find his soulmate. 

I love the new outfit caused Roman to switch up his attire everyday he could, but being a well-known actor made that a common sentence. Not a very common first sentence luckily. 

Thanks, why wear those gloves? shamed Ethan every time they removed the aforementioned gloves. 

___

I fiddled with my newest piercing, the third on my ears. I had gotten it less than two months ago, which had gotten dirty looks from my parents when i saw them. They had disowned me several years prior after learning I was gay, and trans. With a shit-eating grin, I flipped them a double bird. After they turned away in horror, I mounted my motorcycle and roared down the streets. I parked it behind the restaurant I worked at, locking it up on a special pole my brother had installed when I got hired. 

“Reeem. Seen our parents lately?” I called as I shoved open the back door. He poked his head back, tilting his sunglasses down as I removed my patchwork hoodie.

“What parents. All you’ve got is me, babes. But, yes. I saw the people who birthed us a few days ago. I assume you ran across them and they disapproved?”

“Of what? My top surgery, new piercing? Answer to that one is all of it” I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and waved to one of his partners, Remus. I tapped my ear after tying on an apron. He pulled out his ear so I could see the blue pin in it. I shot a thumbs-up as I straightened my posture to wait on my first table. The first few hours passed in a blur of people I didn’t care to make note of. 

“Excuse me, sir. I believe we have a reservation?” A weedy man flagged me down. I raised an eyebrow as I checked the schedule. 

“Only one, and that’s for R. Roy. One sec-” I turned around and shouted over my shoulder “Re? What time was the reservation coming in?” 

“That’s for m-”

“Uh, 3 o’clock or so” Remus surfaced, cutting off the man. 

“I’m afraid I’m here on Mr. Roy’s beh-” The man tried again, this time I cut him off. 

“That was twenty minutes ago. And where did Brit go? They were supposed to be doing this” 

“EXCUSE ME. I AM HERE TO MAKE SURE MR. ROY’S TABLE IS READY” The man practically screamed, cutting off our conversation. 

“Ah, I’m afraid he’ll have to come himself. We only answer to our customers” Re cut in, smiling wide. 

“You and I both know that isn’t true you idiot” An almost-familiar voice accompanied the man himself. 

“RoRo!” My sibling-in-law immediately brightened, scooping the smaller man into a hug. I chuckled behind one hand as the man made breathless protests. When he was at last released, my laughter got louder because it was the Roman Roy, and his appearance was all mused up now. 

“I’m so sorry sir! I’ll go get your backup right now!” The assistant started to buzz nervously around the famous man, reminding me of a fly. 

“No, no. I’ll be fine. This is a family place, so it’s not a big deal if I look a little messed up” He soothed, waving the man out the door. My laughter had not ceased by the time he had turned his attention to me. 

“What are you laughing at hot topic?” I clasped my wrist as the words tattooed across it flared with heat. I shoved the discomfort down, offering my hand.

“Only your fly-like assistant. I’m Virgil Maelstrom. I’m the younger brother of that idiot’s partner. Or one of them at least” Mr Roy took my hand, shaking it briskly before following Remus to the table near the counter. I pulled down my sleeve to see a name written under my words. Roman. I was soulmates with ROMAN ROY the singer! How did I end up with him. Emile caught me staring numbly as new words appeared beneath the original ones. 

“So. Finally met your soulmate?” They asked, a soft smile gracing their features. The smile that had caused my crush all those years ago. I had long grown out of it, but it still held power for their partners and me. 

“One of them I guess. It’s Roman Roy” I whispered the last part, showing them my arm. They hummed thoughtfully, messaging their own wrist. Rem had told me about his own experiences all those years ago, but to actually experience it was insane. 

“Well, why don’t you go tell him?” 

“I...can’t. He didn’t react to me saying anything. It was like I was just another person, y’know?” 

“Well, as your sibling-in-law, I say we’re gonna tell him. C’mon” They pulled me after them. I tried to make excuses, but the doctor was in full help mode. There would be no stopping them. 

“Uh, what’s up honey?” Re asked, looking confused at the determined march. 

“Roman. Good to see you. I found you a soulmate” They yanked me forward as they spoke, lighting up in pride. 

“Look, I’m sorry. They’re just re-” I started babbling, reaching my exposed arm up, forgetting it was free for anyone to read. 

“That’s my name” A soft voice interrupted me. Then a whoop from Re shattered the shock. 

“Lil’ bro! Look at that, two siblings, two chance meetings in this restaurant!”

“What did you say your name was-ow!” He cried out as words burned into his arm. Only your fly-like assistant -Virgil appeared beneath another set of words.

“I- Virgil. I’m Virgil Maelstrom. And it looks like we have another soulmate” He scooted over, nodding for me to sit by him. I took it hesitatingly, watching as his hands started moving as Remus drew him back into a conversation. The shop was closed as Roman ate, and paid for the rest of us to join him. I buzzed nervously, playing my my earring once more. It wasn’t until we were cleaning up when Roman approached me. 

“So. Uh. Virgil? Would you. Would you w-. Wouldyoubemyboyfriend?” He stammered, so at odds with how he was when in the public eye. I nodded mutely, and he swept me into a hug. 

~Elsewhere, A few months later?~

My hands shook as I reached for the top shelf. I wobbled, leaning heavily on my cane. I snarled, planting my cane firmly and stretching for the stuff I had put up there. 

“Sir, do you need help?” A woman approached me. I nodded, and she got it down easily. 

“Thank you mx-”

“Oh, no. It’s Mrs. Smith. Have a good day sir!” She pranced off, ignoring my protest that I was not a ‘sir’. The fire that had scarred me burned away my gender too. I hoisted the bag onto my good shoulder and walked the opposite way. I did not look forward to returning to the place I was forced to call ‘home’. 

“I’m home” I called, opening the door slowly. My girlfriend ran around the corner, beaming. 

“Sweetie! I missed you so much! I was gonna be so sad if you hadn’t gotten back so soon!” She nearly yelled, her face dropping slightly at the thought. 

“No, I wouldn’t. You know I try to be home as soon as I can” I offered a soothing smile. She took my cane and dragged me after her. She ignored my winces, her face screwed up so she couldn’t see. I kept as quiet as I could until the tv concert of Double R. I beamed as he sung, his current outfit looking so much better on him than the previous. When it had finished, my girlfriend was fast asleep on the opposite side of the couch. On a complete whim, I stood up and limped to the door. Taking my cane, I set out on a walk. 

~~~~

“Ro, be careful. You’re easily recognizable” Virgil begged as I stepped outside.

“Don’t worry my storm cloud. I promise to not draw unnecessary attention-” He snorted so I revised my statement with a glare “-I promise not to draw any attention to myself. I’ll be back soon” 

“Whatever. I’ll have my phone on me, so call if you get in trouble” He closed the door behind him. We had been dating for a few months, and they’d been the best (and safest, but don’t tell Virgil that) of my life. I couldn’t wait to meet the third member of our soulmate bond though. I drew the hood of my sweatshirt, borrowed from Virge, up over my head. I wandered aimlessly for a while before deciding to get some milkshakes before heading back. I bumped into someone as I was putting in my earbuds.

“Oh my gosh, are you ok?!” I asked them, and they waved me off. 

“Yea whatever” They mumbled to the ground. I offered them a hand up. They took it and when meeting my eyes, just stared. 

“I love the new outfit!” They finally blurted out. I let out a yelp as my arm suddenly got warm. 

“Thanks! I uh, I think you should know that you may be my second soulmate?” I said, drawing back my sleeve to show them my first message. Just like when Virgil’s message had finally appeared on my arm, there was a name there now. Blocky letters spelled out: Ethan. 

“I...yea. That’s my name. I’m Ethan! Ethan Snips. They/them please” they spoke hurriedly. I nodded, sweeping them up into a hug. 

“C’mon! You’ve gotta meet your other soulmate now” I smiled as they stared in disbelief when my own first sentence to them appeared with my name. 

___

I was soulmates with Roman. Roy! And there was a third person. I obviously needed to meet them as I had their message left. But I had two soulmates and one of them is famous!

“Wait I- nevermind. Please, just take me to meet them” I smiled, limping after him as quickly as possible. He bought three milkshakes, which he rudely refused to give me mine until we got back. We were near his trailer when I heard her. 

“She doesn’t sound happy” Roman turned nervously towards the sound.

“No, she isn’t. Hurry, please” I nearly shoved him in my haste to get away. 

“Bad?” He asked, meeting my eyes. I noticed he didn’t even seem to register my scars

“Very bad” I nodded, raising a hand up towards my blind eye as if it would keep her from coming. 

“HELP! SECURITY!” He screamed at the top of his lungs before scooping me up and running. I yelped, clinging to my cane and the arm wrapped around my chest. 

“Princey, you idiot, what did you do!” A dark haired man appeared, one hand already on his hip.

“Reeescued someone?” Roman smiled charmingly. 

“You idiot. He’s pretty, so I can see why you wanted to be knight in shining armor”

“No, you’re prettier. Handsome! Like the moon” I mumbled dazed. 

“Thanks, why wear those gloves?” I saw his frazzled gaze on my threadbare gloves. I clapped one hand to my arm where  warmth radiated suddenly. I raised my cane in answer.

“This is Ethan! Our second soulmate! Uh, they/them. I need to explain to the head of security why I uh...just screamed. Have fun!” Roman dashed out the door. 

“I’m Virgil. I’m assuming that was your mark suddenly warm, so my name should be under it” He sat a few feet away, playing with a small ball. I checked, and that was true. He didn’t move any closer or try to continue the conversation. It seemed like his question was more of a defense mechanism than him actually asking. 

“Virgil?”

“Hm? What’s up?” He looked up.

“What’s your family like?” There was a small chuckle as he picked up the ball and started tossing it between his hands.

“Well, I’m assuming you don’t want to hear about my parents. They disowned me a few years back. My older brother Remy basically raised me anyways. He married Ro’s older sibling, and Dr. Picani. I work at the restaurant they own. I met Ro a few months back when he came in, and we started dating” 

“Oh.” I traced the end of my shoe in thought. 

“Here. A secret for a secret? I’ll you something most people don’t know about me for something about you?” 

“Uh, sure. My middle name is Daniel”

“Ohhhh that’s kinda sweet! Well, I’m trans”

“Huh. And once again society has made equal exchange impossible”

“Ah! I see we have a philosopher” Roman came back in, kicking off his shoes and handing out replacement milkshakes.

“Yea. it happened aft-After a certain`”

“You don’t have to tell us if you’re not ready. We have time” Virgil interrupted me. 

“No. No, I want it in the open. I was caught in a fire, which caused serious damage to most of my left side, and my hands” I pulled off my gloves, showing the scars that across them. Virgil reached over, offering a hand in invitation. I shook my head and he withdrew it without comment. I already felt safer with these two than I had with anyone else. 

[melodiouswhite]

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde rewritten - Ch. 36

36. Tension

Jekyll thought that, since Hyde now had a partner in crime, it should only be fair that he'd have one as well.

Turned out that for someone who was always the voice of reason, Lady Summers was quite mad herself. And she was delighted to share her own scientific discoveries with him.

Sometimes they spent the evenings in her cellar or his lab, experimenting on her samples or working on his formulas.

One evening, it was her lab they were in and she was showing him a dark powder in a vial.

“So I have identified the impurity that made your formula work.”

He beamed at her. “Really?!”

She grinned sheepishly.

“Well, to be fair it was actually my butler. I managed to separate it and when I showed it to my servants, Sameer recognised it as a drug from his homeland India. He said that Indian sages use it for meditation. Together with a few other compounds it's supposed to enable you to access the wisdom of the cosmos or something, I don't know. Ask him, he can explain it better. Anyway, it's a spiritual, transcendental thing, so it should interest you more than me.”

He laughed. Yes, no doubt it would.

Despite being a medium, Lady Summers was sensible and pragmatic. Rising higher than anyone else, she remained a woman of the world. She never lost touch to reality.

Jekyll had no idea how she did it, but he envied her for it.

She smiled at him. “You give me too much credit, Doctor. Now, do tell me of your discoveries about the blood samples I lent you.”

The Doctor blushed awkwardly. “It sounds a bit far-fetched, Milady, but …”

“But what?”

Seeing her intrigued mien, he continued: “It seems that your blood indeed has rejuvenating qualities. I don't know why, but it's different from normal blood. That would explain why I suddenly looked much younger, after you donated your blood to save Hyde and me last autumn.”

She beamed at him.

“Eureka! So this is why I'm not growing older!”, she cried in delight, “Now all we have to do is to find out what gives it its rejuvenating powers! I have failed to find the answer for thirty years, but now it's within my – pardon, I mean our, grasp!”

Jekyll enjoyed the times when he cooperated with the Lady.

But the time he had was limited by the fact that he had a surgery to run.

Which was a bit complicated by the fact that Hyde was being particularly fidgety for some reason.

After seeing off his last patient and retreating to his office for the paper work, he found that working was going to be hard.

Why?

Because Hyde had to choose now of all times to appear in the mirror, because he was bored and … well, being his shameless, attention-whoring self.

Namely, he was nagging and flirting.

After he somehow, miraculously had got a considerable stag of paper work done (in spite of Hyde's nagging), his patience was on the verge of snapping. He still had work to do, he couldn't concentrate and all the whining was giving him a headache. Not to mention he was still sour about-

“Hyde”, he growled slowly. “Shut. The fuck. Up! I have work to do and I really don't feel like putting up with your nonsense! Not now, not here, not anywhere else and definitely not any time this week!”

Hyde frowned. “Whoa, Jekyll, warn me next time you're in your red phase!”

“I don't care, just shut up!”, Jekyll snapped. He was just so done right now. “You're really in no position to whine into my ears!”

If anyone is, it's me!

The brunette puffed his cheeks. “Don't be so snappy. I don't complain, when you beg for my attention, when I'm out.”

The blond's eyes narrowed. “That's because you're a fucking attention-whore, who sucks up any kind of positive attention he can get! And I don't ask for your fucking attention nearly as much as you for mine. Now if you would just shut the fuck up already, because for just one day – one fucking day! – I want to be able to do my work in peace!”

The younger man frowned: “Got out on the wrong side of the bed? Jekyll, what's the matter? It's not like you to say 'fuck' so extensively. Or to insult me so harshly, for that matter. I wasn't asking to be let out, just for you to spare an hour for me.”

Oh, that was too much!

The Doctor jumped up and slammed his hands onto the table.

“You want to know what the problem is? You want my attention so badly? Alright, fine! If that's what you want, you'll get it, you brat! You're pissing me off! After the terrible things that happened to us, I tried to take it easy, but do you have the faintest idea how hard that is, when you constantly nag and whine into my ears, when I try to get work done?! Just a kind reminder, you live on my wealth, but my wealth isn't infinite! I've had no income for several months! Almost half of my fortune is gone! I pay for everything! The money on your bank account? It's mine! And on top of that, I pay Lady Summers 1500£ per month for our therapy!”

Hyde lifted an eyebrow. “Are you finished-?”

“DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M FINISHED???”

The brunette winced.

Jekyll took a deep breath and growled: “I'm just getting started! You have no room to complain, you brat! I've been letting you out more often than usual, and not just because I wanted to get drunk and laid! You know that, Hyde! It used to be so, but I find myself doing it for your sake just as for mine these days! You're the one who gets to go wild and free and now you have even more fun, because there is someone who's just as crazy as you are! Hasn't the fun been doubled for you, thanks to Miss Donovan?! Does it not feel great to have a partner in crime?! Do you think that I don't feel how ecstatic you are, that someone likes the things you like, thinks the way you think and even joins you in your – in our – debauchery?!

And don't even get me started on your interaction with Gabriel lately! I can understand, that he chose to give you his first kiss, because in that moment you fucking needed it! But now you had to go and steal his first French kiss too! What will come next? The entirety of his body?! His heart?! His soul?! His first confession of love?! Why is it that you get to be first in everything, while I always come in second?! Why you?! You don't know about the emotional depth Gabriel puts into the things he does! Every time he lets you have one of his firsts, he gives a part of himself to you! But you don't understand that! It means nothing to you! You don't love him, you don't even know what love is! Every single of his affections means the world to me, but you … you …”

His voice failed him. He sank back into his chair and buried his face in his hands.

It wasn't fair!

Hyde didn't love Utterson. Utterson didn't love Hyde.

So why, why did he get to be first in everything?

It was just all too much.

He broke into sobs and cried into his hands.

“Jekyll …”

The blond winced, when he suddenly felt his alter ego's icy hands pry his warm ones away to cup his face.

When did he leave the mirror?

“Come now, my Doctor”, Hyde cooed, “I know that you're jealous, but this is ridiculous.”

“Shut up!”, Jekyll sobbed, “It's not like you actually understand my emotions!”

“Jekyll …”

“I hate you, Edward Hyde! I hate you so m–mmph!”

Hyde kissed him.

“No, you don't”, he mumbled against his lips, “Don't lie to me, Henry.”

Then he kissed him again, more forward this time.

Jekyll tried to push him back, but the smaller was holding his head in a vice-like grip. He sobbed against those icy, chapped lips.

He wanted to kiss back, but at the same time he did not.

I hate him … I love him … why is it so hard for me to make up my mind?!

Finally the little bastard broke the kiss completely and let go.

“You're too emotional”, Hyde remarked, shaking his head. “Acting like a child right now, are you?”

Jekyll glared at him: “No, Hyde, you're just not emotional enough. Also, you're one to talk. You were being childish earlier!”

The brunette shrugged: “Well, to my defence, Henry: as Edward Hyde, I'm technically less than nine years old. At the same time I'm both legally twenty and your age. But you're simply a fifty-years-old man. You're supposed to be the mature one, not me.”

Jekyll laughed joylessly: “That's no excuse, Hyde. Also, thank you for reminding me, that wanting to screw you makes me a bloody paedophile! As if I wasn't already vile enough!”

The younger man sighed irritably: “It's not paedophilia, if I'm not a minor. Goddammit, Henry, we already had that discussion! It's not a child's body you're lusting after. We both know, that you didn't make me twenty, just so I could legally screw around!”

“When I created you, your legal age was eighteen”, Jekyll reminded him drily. “You only told me two years ago, that you didn't want to stay like that forever.”

“Your point? You just could've decided over my head, that I'm fifteen or younger. Look at all the people who believe that I'm thirteen or less!”

The blond stared at him in horror. “That's disgusting, Hyde!”

“Exactly. Now remind me, why did you make me older?”

Jekyll reflected for a moment.

That was a good question, actually.

Why had he decided that Hyde should be older?

At first sight, the brunette looked rather androgynous and definitely very young. He was thin, had narrow shoulders and an effeminate face. And he often acted like a hobbadehoy*.

Then he thought of how Hyde's body actually looked under his clothes and remembered.

“Because your physique is too mature to belong to someone so young. And because you can judge a situation and act accordingly. You're impulsive, but you know what you're doing.”

Hyde smiled and nodded in satisfaction. “Exactly. And because you're – at least in this regard – not a total pervert. The fact I don't want to fuck minors either proves it. So don't worry your pretty head about it, my dear soulmate.”

Then he kissed him again.

This time the older man kissed back and wrapped his arms around the younger, pulling him onto his lap.

Hyde chuckled against his lips and wrapped his arms around his neck in return.

They didn't go further, not this time.

Yet it was oddly intimate.

It wasn't one of those heated, rough battles of dominance filled with anger and hateful lust.

It was tenderness and reassurance and the promise that everything would be fine, one way or another. That they would always be there for each other.

Henry Jekyll loved and hated Edward Hyde, but in that moment, he could forget about the latter.

When the make-out session ended, he felt renewed and alive.

“Edward …”, he whispered and leaned his forehead against the other's.

I'm sorry for lashing out at you earlier …

“Forget about that, Fairest”, the brunette responded to his thought. “You're exhausted. Go to sleep. I'll take care of everything for you.”

Hyde shooed his creator over to the couch and then turned his attention to the paper work.

Jekyll had finished a considerable amount, but there was still a lot to be done.

Hyde frowned.

Oh dear … that sure is a lot of bills and letters to answer!

He decided, that he would do the letters first. Mathematics would be a relief after wrecking his brain over Jekyll's correspondence.

There was just one problem: like Jekyll, he was naturally right-handed, but he had taught himself to write with the left to distinguish himself from his creator. Jekyll's handwriting wasn't his.

I have to forge it.

The brunette took an empty piece of paper and tried to write a few sentences with the right hand.

At first the writing was a bit shaky. But a few attempts later, the autograph resembled that of his creator perfectly.

Note to self: practise writing with the right one again. Better to be able to write with both hands equally.

That decision being made, he went to work.

His hand started hurting after a while and he was tempted to do the rest with the left. But no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn't get the exact slope by writing with the left. Whelp. He would have to suck it up and deal with his cramped hand later.

After finishing the last letter, he sighed in relief.

Oh, how he hated that part of Jekyll's work! Not only was it the most time-consuming, but writing the letters just the way Jekyll would, with the exact same wording, that was torture!

Thank goodness, now I can finally do the bills!

That was child's play.

At least to Hyde it was.

To many people – Jekyll included – mathematics was dull and boring, but not to him. It was like himself – cold, practical and flexible. There weren't a hundred ways to interpret mathematics. There were many ways to come to the same conclusion, but not the other way! The calculation was either right or wrong. It was that simple!

If only people were as easy as mathematics …

Hyde had just finished the finances, when he felt his corporeal form begin to weaken.

Good timing. He had feared that he wouldn't be able to keep it up long enough to finish all.

Fuck, that was exhausting!

A soft moan got his attention.

Jekyll was sleeping on the couch, out like a light.

Hyde sighed tiredly and floated over to him.

The older man shifted a little and mumbled incoherently in his sleep.

The younger crouched down next to the other's head and listened. Just like himself, Jekyll talked in his sleep sometimes. What would he say this time?

“Edward …”

Hyde frowned. That was oddly coherent. Was the blond not asleep after all?

“I love you …”

The brunette's eyes widened and he felt his cheeks heat up. Alright, the blond was dreaming. There was no way he would have said that while awake!

“Please don't go …”, the other whimpered in his sleep. He was having a nightmare, that much was clear.

Hyde grew concerned. “Henry, I'm right here.”

“I'm sorry …”

Alright, what the hell was the other dreaming?! The young man held his hand to the sleeping man's forehead. Pictures flashed before his eyes.

They were separated. He was there, wearing his black raincoat, carrying a travelling bag. There was an argument between him and Jekyll, a nasty one. He saw himself look at Jekyll with a cold mien, then turn his back and leave.

Oh, Jekyll …

“Henry”, he whispered, “Can you hear me? I'm not leaving you. I'm right here.”

The blond sniffed. His arms twitched, as if he wanted to hug him.

“Really?”

Hyde sighed and stroked his creator's blond, tousled hair. “Really. It's just a dream. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Just a dream …”

For a second the brunette thought that he'd wake up. But he didn't.

“You'll never leave me, right? Not even, if I separated you completely?”, the other choked.

“Shhhh”, the younger cooed. “My dear soulmate, don't start bawling on me again. I'm here. I will always be there. For better and for worse.”

He didn't know what compelled him to promise that. But he meant it.

Jekyll leaned into his touch like a cat.

“I love you …”

“I know”, Hyde answered sadly.

He would never be able to say it back, he knew. Whether he loved his other half or not.

And Jekyll would never say it consciously. He had no qualms telling him that he hated him, but he would never tell him that he loved him. Not when he was awake.

I can't say I love you, Jekyll.

---

*hobbadehoy - Victorian Slang:  a youth who has ceased to see himself as a boy, but is not yet regarded as a man.

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 24

The following morning, I slid Arantxa a mug of coffee as she sat next to me with a groan. “How do I feel even more tired than I did when I went to bed last night?” she grumbled before making a valiant attempt to drown herself in the hot beverage.

I raised my matching mug in a silent toast. “I know, right? I couldn’t sleep for anything.  I have the big sister of the migraine I went to bed with last night, to boot.  I had to ask Miys to get a batch of analgesic patches from medical, which turned out to be a good idea because I am apparently not the only one.  Xiomara looked at me like I single-handedly ended world hunger when I told her.”

She grunted before coming up from her coffee for air and a refill. “We are all under a significant amount of stress.  Everyone seems a little dazed today, even Councillor Hodenson, if that helps.”

“No way,” I murmured in disbelief, looking around.  Sure enough, Grey was standing with their data screen up, but staring off into the distance over it. “I didn’t think anything could get to them.  At least I don’t feel as bad knowing they’re rattled, too,” I shook my head, groaning slightly as the pain in it intensified.

I didn’t even realize I had closed my eyes until they flew open at the sound of something being set in front of me.  “I swear, for someone who likes to cook so much, you sure forget to eat an awful lot,” the familiar voice of Zach Khan trickled in my ear as I stared at a plate of scrambled eggs piled high and topped with salsa and cheese.  “Your sister said your favorite breakfast is huevos rancheros, but this is the best I could do with what they brought in.”

Pushing down the rolling nausea in my stomach, I took a tentative bite.  As much as I knew he was right, migraines always made me sick.  I just reminded myself that dry-heaving was worse than throwing up and forced myself to swallow.  “And everyone calls me a mother hen,” I tried to joke.  “Thanks, Zach.”

“No prob,” he waved off. “I already took something to Derek and Tyche.  She said she thinks she’s coming down with something at the worst possible time, so she asked me bring you something to eat while she tries to cool off in the shower.  I would have grabbed you something, too, but I didn’t know what,” the last part was directed at my friend, who was showing heretofore unknown talent in chugging scalding beverages at this point.

She paused long enough to shake her head. “I don’t eat breakfast, but thank you.  Once I am more awake, I will find something, I promise.”

After throwing a scowl at her for not eating something, I turned back to Zach. “What are you even doing up already?”

He shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Plus, someone had to be on hand to set up the headsets for the drone pilots.  They’re pretty bootstrap since our host had nothing like them on hand, but we’ve got them working.  The pilots report some nausea and dizziness from prolonged use, but that’s pretty standard with prolonged VR use, which is essentially what we’ve got them doing.  Pranav was going to ask Derek to take a look at them, but Maverick and I pretty much put the kibosh on that until he’s recovered from yesterday.”

“How’s he doing?” I asked, worried.

“Eh, he ate, so that’s good. I took him as much water as I could carry, and he’s holed up in the farthest corner of one of the sleeping areas, spoiling your cat.  Conor brought up some of his modelling clay, so he’s got that, Mac, and a few ice packs.” A huge wait I wasn’t previously aware of fell off my chest at the information.

Arantxa’s face made a sudden appearance from her fourth – fifth? – cup of coffee. “Conor was here?” she asked excitedly.

As I smothered a grin, Zach shook his head. “Negative. He was on Level Three, where Miys met him to pick up the clay. Security is still super tight until we find out who or what caused the sensor damage.”

My poor, lovesick friend deflated at the news, and I was torn between laughing and crying to see how much she missed our friendly giant.  “We were supposed to have a date, today,” she grumbled.

“Nuh uh!” I cried, echoed by Zach’s “No way!”

She nodded. “We were going to visit BioLab 2, and he was going to teach me to swim.”

“Uh, Rants, you already know how to swim,” I pointed out.

“He doesn’t know that,” she declared imperiously.  “It was the best I could do, since I have absolutely no help.” The last was accompanied by a playful glare.

“Wait wait wait,” Zach held up his hands. “Did Conor know this was supposed to be a date?  Deets! I need deets!”

“Are you going to give me dating advice?” she asked eagerly.

“Who? ME!?” he pointed at himself. “You’ve got to be kidding.  I’m pining over the Ace Ace over there, which is the dumbest thing ever for a bisexual horndog, so I’m the worst person to ask for advice.”

“Are all bisexuals disasters?” she asked skeptically.

“Yes,” Zach and I replied in unison before glancing at each other and laughing.  

I had to stop when the small man in my head found a bigger hammer to pound my skull with. “Ugh, I need to wait until my pain meds kick in before I have the rest of this conversation. Y’all have fun, though,” I waved at them as I stood.

“No, no, nope,” the programmer gently pushed me back in my chair. “Tyche and Derek both insisted you eat all that before I let you out of my sight. ��We’ll change the subject, but you have to eat.”

“All of it?” I asked with horror before looking down at my plate. A mountain of eggs stared back at me.

“Four ounces of eggs, one ounce of cheese, an ounce of salsa.  Roughly two hundred calories, Tyche’s orders. And she scares me more than you do – I’m pretty sure she actually could kill me with one eyebrow – so you gotta eat that.”

I grumbled and started forcing down the eggs as Arantxa continued her impressive performance at breathing coffee and Zach filled us in on everything that happened while we were asleep.  I only understood about a quarter of what he said, just enough to understand that we were in orbit around one of Eenie’s moons, and in ten hours would be moving to the next for additional materials.  Also, lunch would apparently be vegetarian. Finally, I finished my eggs (much to Zach’s relief) and was free to hunt down Xiomara and another analgesic patch while I waited for my food to settle and coffee to kick in.

When I found her, in the same place I left her the night before, she didn’t seem to be in any better shape than I was.  She sighed gratefully at the sight of the coffee I brought her – a near repeat of the night before – before taking in the pinched look I knew sat around my eyes and just asking “Stress?”

“Yup,” I confirmed. “But life carries on, I’ll be okay once everything calms down.”

“I know the feeling,” she sighed after a sip of coffee.  “Unfortunately, it’s ‘hurry up and wait’ right now.  All the pilots other than Maverick and Evan are taking turns piloting drones while those two crash until further notice.”

“Short notice,” I observed as I gestured to where Maverick was hovering around the jury-rigged controls to the Ark.

Xiomara groaned. “He has decided the Ark is his ‘baby’ and doesn’t want anyone to even come close to the controls until the sensors are fixed and the Miys take back over.” A brief scowl was shot in his direction before she took another swig of steaming caffeine.  She made a remarkably good impression of Mac’s look of satisfaction as she enjoyed her coffee.

“Have you had a chance to talk to Pranav about the sensors?” I asked, hoping she would understand what I meant.

“Mmm,” she hummed enthusiastically. “Yes, I have.  Two of the pilots on file are currently in genetic surgery bays, about halfway through treatment.  The other ten, we’re looking into alibis.  There’s an incredible amount of metadata collected by the systems, so Pranav is personally going through that.  It’ll take a few days, but we want to be completely clear rather than chasing rabbits.”

“If there’s so much data, how do we not know who destroyed the back up sensors,” I asked quietly, mostly thinking out loud.

“Temporary systemic blackouts from all common areas to the location of the sensors,” she muttered unhappily. “Tracing that is Zach’s next job, and once Mr. Okafor is recovered and has checked the VR rigs, we’re hoping he can take over as primary.”

“Normally, I would be incredibly defensive at the idea of Derek being expected to do so much, but honestly I don’t know how anyone will be able to stop him once he finds out that someone played jiggery-pokery in his playground.  He’ll do it anyway, so I’m glad he’s at least allowed to this time.” When she raised an eyebrow at me in question, I waved her off. “Nothing major. He may have hacked the medical database to make sure the evergreens that Conor Mac Maoilir decided to spread all over the ship for winter holidays wouldn’t mess with people’s allergies? He was grounded from my cat for a week, and I made him fix the security weakness, I swear!” I explained hastily when she gaped in horror.

“You are telling me a seventeen-year-old hacked an alien data system for a medical bay that we have no training for, just to make sure a bunch over oversized shrubs wouldn’t make anyone sneeze!?” She demanded.

“Like I said, he fixed it?” I responded sheepishly.  “To be fair, that’s part of the reason Pranav trusts his skills so much.  Every programmer and network security specialist on this ship, including Noah, can’t figure out how to keep him out of literally anything. Fortunately, he generally does it just to see if he can, or because he’s looking for something very specific. Since he isn’t hurting anyone, and actually usually does it to avoid hurting people, it’s really difficult to convince him not to do it.”

She just shook her head. “Good thing he’s a good kid.  That’s… it would be horrifying if it wasn’t just incredible.”

“Right?” I asked in agreement. “On another topic, how’s Grey holding up?  I saw them just staring into space earlier, which is unusual.”

“Grey is unusual in general,” she shrugged. “People are more your thing than mine.  Why don’t you go check on our fellow Councillor, and I’ll ride herd on the pilots?”

I smirked before I could stop myself. “Coward,” I accused in a teasing tone.

“People shooting at me, piloting in wild new frontiers, I’m good.  People? Not so much,” she shrugged.  “That’s why I’m Safety and Security, and you’re People.”

“Human Resources and Social Engagement,” I scowled.

“Right. People. Go people at Grey, see if they’re okay,” she shooed.  Softer, she tilted her head. “Seriously.  This is pretty much their show right now, so we really need them to be okay.”

I took a deep breath before nodding.  The second painkiller patch had made a significant dent in my migraine, downgrading it all the way to a screaming headache.  I could work with that.  I’d worked with worse.  “If I’m not back in two hours, send Noah.  Or my sister, if she’s feeling better.”

Grey startled as I gently touched their elbow. “Grey.  I’m sorry for touching you – I know you don’t like it – but I’ve called your name ten times. I even tried waving my hands in front of you.  Are you okay?”

They shook their head like they were waking up before pushing their glasses up. “My apologies, Councillor Reid. I have had difficulty focusing today.  My assurances that I will endeavor to correct this.”

“Whoa,” I stood back, alarmed. “Grey. Since when do you call me ‘Councillor’?  And you never have difficulty focusing.  Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I am only distracted, I promise. I admit I am distressed by the lack of materials for repairing the sensors.  The drones are bringing in a satisfying amount of elements to replenish what we have used by being on board, but less than a tenth of what we need for the sensors. It is frustrating that we have no data we can use to narrow our search to only locations that would yield what we need.”

“So, what do we need?” I asked, happy to play rubber duck if it would assist my friend.

“Silica, mostly, for the necessary optical fibers. Iron, aluminum, gold or at least silver for plating and wires,” they rubbed their eyes tiredly before replacing their ever-present glasses.

“Okay, that makes sense,” I nodded.  I was mildly concerned that I actually understood the majority of what they were saying. “So what are we not locating?”

“Iron,” Grey replied.  “This particular moon is very iron poor, it turns out.”

“Iron,” I repeated. “Wasn’t Mars iron rich?  That’s why it was red, right?”

“Correct, but atmospheric neon would also cause a planet or moon to be red if the atmosphere was charged.”

“Still, it narrows down the search, so that may help,” I pointed out.  “What else?”

“Aluminum, and before you ask, aluminum does not have a distinct color that is observable from atmosphere,” they glanced at me knowingly. “It is white or grey, and in cases where it is found in the form of bauxite, it is blue or green.  Several minerals and atmospheric gases create the same color.  Additionally, it would take significant concentrations to cause it to be visible from orbit.”

I shrugged.  “Worth a try. So, next question: What can you do, right now, to improve any of this?”

They let out the most defeated sigh I think I ever heard. “Honestly, nothing.  All I am doing is worrying.  I feel there is something that I am missing.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t sound like it to me,” I assured them.  “Have any of your researchers come up with any other ideas?”

“They have not,” Grey conceded.

I smiled. “In that case, ask Miys for something to help you sleep – I know you don’t like medication, but you’re exhausted,” I cut off their rebuttal. “Even the finest computer needs to turn off sometimes.  And you are decidedly not a computer, so you need rest even more.”

They blinked at me owlishly. “Is this what Councillor Kalloe refers to as you being a ‘mother hen’?”

“Bingo,” I winked. “You get used to it, I promise. Now go. Sleep.”

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[elastigirl72]

Day 16-17: Zadar>Split, Split>Neum (Bosnia)

1485 miles completed - around 700 to go

For the first time on this trip, the last 48 hours I recall in a slight blur. Not because I’ve been enjoying the local beer, but more possibly because I am now reaching zombie state. I know I rode my bike on Thursday, but it’s taken me some time to remember the details. But after a rude size bucket of porridge, made with a smidgen of incorrectly purchased “kefar” (fermented milk which in the U.K. we would normally throw away as disgusting and indigestible) and a black tea with a pillaged sugar, it’s coming back to me...in all it’s technicolour glory and equal horror.

Being 1kg lighter leaving Zadar (I was eaten alive by a zingy mosquito that taunted me through the night and like Dracula, also found my jugular), I mounted my bike rather wearily, but happy for the first ride this trip, the leg and arm warmers, base layer, rain jacket and overshoes were all neatly crammed into my backpack. Wall to wall sun accompanied me on what was the best conditions of my adventure so far. Yes, a little headwind but it’s a small price to pay. The landscape was changing again to a more rolling terrain, where for some time the sea wasn’t visible. I looked ahead at mountains rather than rode beside them, a timely reminder of what lay ahead in the days to come. I was broken. My back, knee, left leg screamed at me early, and I made my first emergency coffee stop at only 30 miles on the clock. It was going to be a tough day. No matter how incredible a ride looks, when you’re tired, you may as well be sat on the turbo watching Jeremy Kyle. Ok, it was better than that. But it wasn’t easy. I resigned myself to slow and steady wins the race.

Split was one of my highlights, and this alone was motivation to keep moving. What lay ahead was a once in a lifetime experience.

I had booked an apartment which has a 9.5/10 review. Great comments about the host and the location. I chose well, I thought. Mario met me, and irradiated warmth and kindness. He’d had surgery on his skull, very visible with no hair to hide it, and I later learned he’d been a chef, and 9 years earlier, at the age of 22, he’d worked, drunk, then had a car crash which left him without the possibility of working. So now, he rented out his own flat to make money and when guests stayed, he lived with his parents 1 hour away. He couldn’t drive, and this commerce opportunity seemed hard to visualise as something sustainable, but this was his third season.

Mario was clearly impressed I’d turned up on a bike. So enthusiastic, in fact, he offered 1. A massage, 2. To be my guide for the night. I declined his first invitation immediately and gently tried to steer his second offer away. He seemed not to want to take no for an answer. “You look like you need help here and you are, very...handsome” he’d said with a wide smile. Alarm bells were ringing, and I sent him away, stating I needed time to think and get fresh. He replied he’d wait in a nearby cafe for 30 minutes until I’d decided.

The shower was cold, but my clothes had the luxury of a machine wash. For that alone, the apartment was worth the money. Even without any detergent.

Feeling obliged to say yes, and trying to embrace Mario’s offer, I let him escort me around the city. When he returned, he’d needed to take a copy of my passport. Luckily, he’d noticed that I was born in 1972, making me really old! Bonanza! Mario had me down as 38, max. There are definitely advantages to being older. Clearly my invisibility cloak needed turning up.

The city of Split was my favourite place on the trip, possibly now one of my top 10 cities I’ve visited. Learning about Game of Thrones and filming season 5 here, Mario also told me a little about the city’s history. The 1800 year old Roman buildings were to me more incredible than Venice. Although the city catered for tourists, it felt tasteful and the ambience was perfect. There felt like more local presence than foreigners, and I felt very much at home.

I managed to shake Mario after buying him a couple of beers and insisting I was going to dinner to a restaurant recommended by a friend back home (which was true). Alarmingly, Mario stated as he left that he would arrive 30 minutes before I was due to leave and the best was yet to come and that it would ensure I would give him and the experience of Split 10/10, and that I would never forget it. I wished for nothing more than to open the door the next morning and see Mario with his German Shepherd, brought along to make me smile.

I had a restless night worrying about what might happen when the sun rose. I worried that there were cameras hidden throughout the apartment and couldn’t fail to notice a macabre print on his bedroom wall involving a female back and a blood-tipped dripping knife. I wanted to leave early and before he arrived, but I had to return his key. I’m just too honest. I could have just left a note and hidden the key. Why didn’t I?

8am came and a few minutes before, Mario knocked at the door. Minutes later he was insistent on my need for a massage. “no, no, no” I repeated. He sat on the sofa. “How do you feel about sex”. I lied and said I’m celibate and have been for many years. Having stupidly already told him I’m divorced, this was indeed possible. He had also clearly not thought through: 1. I had been riding my bike for over two weeks and around 100 miles a day. 2. I gave him no signal at all that I found him attractive. I’d rather go on a date with Golem, if I’m totally honest 3. This was just completely wrong. Since when is it right to set up your flat on Booking.com as a sex trap? I may sound old fashioned here, but because I am very confident, I could extract myself and did from this situation about 5 minutes later. What worries me, and having a daughter of 20, is how many females find themselves in this really awkward situation and locked inside someone’s apartment and either he is more forceful or they are less confident? To me, this is just wrong. So, I reported it. The audacity of Mario thinking his methods would get him 10/10 on booking.com. Incredulous, I left for my ride nearly 2 hours early with a tainted view of Split...

A couple of miles into my ride and the wind blew Mario well into the north and slapped me at every meander in the road. The skies were menacingly dark, it started to rain but it was just what I needed.

The best part about point to point expeditions is that every day, the view, the lay of the land changes (if you’re going around 100 miles a day - those laden with panniers might not have the same view. Riding to Bosnia, I worked harder than any other day to keep moving. These were the strongest winds, unsteady, blustery on undulations and climbs that never relented. But what kept me going is for another day, I felt like I’d skipped into another country, and in fact, would, later that day. Clouds hung low over the mountain tops and the sea looked angry and temperamental.

But somehow, after another mountain border, I made it to Bosnia, and the little coastal town of Neum. My best accommodation yet, which looked west over a quiet sea bay, and my first sunbathe of the trip. After such a stormy day, this little sleepy haven seemed like tranquility personified. Getting going again would be tough. For the only time since leaving home, my kicked off, ripped off clothes would remain unwashed and on the floor until they adorned my slowly cracking body the next day.

And now, Saturday. Another country beckons, and the hospitality of someone I’ve never met. I have exclusive use of a penthouse apartment in Herceg Novi, owned by a Norwegian friend of my brother. I have to get past Dubrovnik first, and given the forecast, I think it will be w flying visit which is a shame. But time waits for no man, and I’m as useless as a chocolate teapot when it rains..

[gumnut-logic]

Gentle Rain (Part Three)

Title: Gentle Rain

Warm Rain Series

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Author: Gumnut

20-21 Jan 2019

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: Sometimes it is so gentle, you don’t realise it is happening.

Word count: 2522

Spoilers & warnings: Virgil/Kayo, OC, spoilers for Warm Rain up to this point in the timeline.

Timeline: Six months after ‘The Proposal’, almost a sequel.

Author’s note: This is for @scribbles97 . Thank you to all my wonderful readers and supporters who continue to help me create more and more stories. I’m having the time of my life, you guys are wonderful :D

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

“Doctor Harris..uh...”

His face had shuttered the moment he realised he wasn’t alone and she oddly missed the openness he had displayed while speaking with his brother. He had very expressive eyes and they had said so much about the relationship between the two men.

Her voice was quiet. “I apologise for intruding on your privacy, Mr Tracy.” She swallowed. “Please make sure you continue to follow the diet your doctor has supplied you with. Your body needs the nutrients.” She should obviously back out of what was turning out to be an embarrassing situation for the both of them. She hardly knew this man or his brother, and she had just witnessed a very private conversation. Kayo had been willing to allow her to contact him to check on his recovery. She doubted she would approve of such an invasion of privacy.

“Scott.” He was sitting up a little straighter. “Call me Scott.”

She blinked. “Em.”

And another odd silence descended.

He was hard to read. Before, when Virgil had been in the room, his eyes had said everything. From anger to frustration to fondness. The men had argued, but there had been depth to that argument. They had understood each other perfectly. The darker haired brother so obviously sincere when he offered Scott whatever he could provide and the layers of meaning in Scott’s apology spoke of a long history of such arguments..

Now, the man may as well have been Vulcan. Every movement of his face was considered, every wrinkle precisely aimed. The smile was gone, and in its stead lay a controlled calm.

This wasn’t Scott Tracy. This was the Commander of International Rescue.

Well, she could handle that.

“I just wanted to check on your progress. Make sure you hadn’t undone any of my hard work.”

“Well, be reassured, Doctor, I’m back in one piece and well on the way to recovery.”

Her title rather than her name. He was formalising, attempting to push her away from things she should never have seen. She should respect that.

She should.

“How long ago was Virgil injured?”

That shook him. “Why do you ask?”

“He’s favouring his right side.”

His eyes widened, his concern directing immediately to his brother. “Six months.”

“Severity?”

“Severe.” Reluctant to reveal details, of course. Didn’t matter, she could make a good guess just by observing the man.

“How many ribs broken?”

Those blue eyes narrowed. “Almost all down his right side.”

She winced internally. Bloody hell. “Has he had any follow up recently?”

“He should have. I’ll speak to him.”

With that expression on his face, she had no doubt he would. She may find herself apologising to Virgil in the near future. “Make sure he gets checked out. The ribs could still be vulnerable to strain depending on the original injury.” Hell, the man had been shifting brickwork while strapped into a metal skeleton. She would check him out herself if she got the chance.

“Thank you.” And his eyes were suddenly open to her. “For everything. I have no doubt, I could have died in that hole if you hadn’t been there.”

She smiled just slightly at him. “I was just returning the favour.”

He frowned. “Have you been rescued before?”

She had to admit the question took her off guard and she was forced to look away for just a second. “Uh, no, no I haven’t. I was referring to the world at large. We all owe you and your brothers more than we can ever repay.”

It was his turn to look away and, to her surprise, he even flushed a little. “Someone needs to do it.”

“Yes, but you stepped up.”

“It was our father’s project.”

Yes, everyone knew about the great Jeff Tracy. “But it is you and your brothers who are on the front line.”

“As I said, someone has to do it.” He took in a breath and tilted his head. “Enough about me, you obviously know a great deal already, yet I know very little about you.”

Well, she guessed she had asked for that. “What would you like to know?”

He shrugged. “Where are you from?”

“I’m Australian. Grew up south of here, in Margaret River. You?”

“Kansas. And various other places.” He raised an eyebrow. “Occupation?”

“Doctor, but you knew that. Speciality, orthopaedic surgery.” And she saw the light bulb click above his head. “And yes, that is why I noticed your brother’s injury.” She smiled. “And you?”

“Pilot.” She saw it in his eyes. “And rescue operative, with a little Air Force on the side.”

“You make it sound like fast food.”

To her surprise, he grinned. “Oh, it’s fast alright.”

“I gather you like things that go fast?”

“The faster the better.”

“Uh-huh. Is a Lachie Dart fast enough for you?”

“An L-Dart? Oh, I got my hands on one of those back in training. Smart little craft.” He frowned. “You flown?”

She snorted. “Uh, no, my Dad was in the Australian Air Force. He was the Leader of a squadron of L-Darts. Loved them and let us know repeatedly. Made for a plane filled childhood.”

“I can relate to that. Though on top of the planes came space.” She saw his mind drift back, his expression kind of sad.

“So you come by it honestly?”

“Oh, yes.” The sadness was hovering, but he appeared to shake himself. “What about you? Brothers? Sisters?”

She hesitated. “No, just me.” She didn’t want to go there and definitely not with this man.

His frown returned. “No one at all?” The concept appeared completely foreign to him.

“Oh, I have an uncle in the States, but I haven’t seen him for years.” She shrugged. “I have myself and my friends. I’m happy.”

“That is good to hear.” He suddenly frowned. “Why are you still in the hospital?” And he was obviously trying to think back. “What exactly were your injuries?”

Off screen she clenched a fist. “There were a few complications, but I’m fine.” She was fine, really.

He stared at her as if trying to pry the information from her expression. She held her ground. She did not want to face his pity or his horror at what had happened to her. It had been her choice, not his.

It was obvious he knew she wasn’t telling him something. “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” He paused, his eyes intensely blue. “I owe you one.”

There was no answer to that. The man was a billionaire, but she wouldn’t ask him for anything. Except...

“Okay, I’ll ask you for one thing.”

His eyes widened as if he hadn’t expected her to take him up on it so readily. “What?”

“You get bored here, you ping me.”

His eyes narrowed.

She sighed. Being a celebrity must suck big time. “I’m not looking for your secrets. I’m not going to sell you out to the press. Get Kayo to check me out, I promise. You can have my credit card to hold for ransom, if you like. I just want to make sure you are okay. And besides, you’re not the only bored person in this hospital. I can only read so much, and the holoreception here is clunky.”

Those blue eyes looked away for a moment considering. They flashed back at her. “Agreed.”

She smiled just a little. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you.” A pause. “And I hope you get well soon.” Still suspicious.

“I’m planning on it.” She had the irrational urge to reach out and touch his face. “Now rest, Scott.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Doctor.”

“It’s Em. Or I will start calling you Commander.”

“Yes, Em.”

She smirked. “Now you’re talking. Rest. I’ll speak to you soon.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I have no doubt that the moment you wake up next, boredom will set in immediately.”

“You don’t know me that well.”

“I don’t have to. You are predictable.”

“What?”

She laughed. “Go and rest. I’ve got a nurse nagging me. Speak to you soon.” The expression on his face was worth the risk of never speaking to him again as she cut the signal. The blank screen left an empty space.

She looked up at Kayo. “Thank you so much for allowing this.”

A hand landed gently on her upper arm. “Not a problem.” She appeared thoughtful. “Now tell me more about Virgil favouring his right side.”

-o-o-o-

Virgil threw himself into the elevator and leant against the wall. It took him a moment to realise that, yes, he had to press a button to make the machinery move. A sigh and he hit the residential level button with a thump.

Mountain rescues were unnerving. This hadn’t been the first one since his accident, but it had been at a similar height with similar land features, and he had spent the entire mission expecting the mountain to fall on him.

He screwed his eyes shut and let his head drop back against the metal wall as the elevator rose. He was aching again. Everything had healed, but it continued to remind him that yes, he had ripped his side open and done some serious damage and no, he wasn’t completely one hundred percent and probably never would be again.

He hated it. It cramped his style.

The car slid to a smooth stop and the engineer in the back of his mind admired Brains’ design as he always did.

The doors slid open to reveal Kayo standing with her hands on her hips. She was still wearing that summer dress he so adored. The material hugged her figure in just the right places, soft and feminine. God, she was so beautiful.

And she was frowning.

Uh oh.

“What have I done?” His tired mind tried to flip back through recent events, landed in snow and got stuck. “No, actually, don’t tell me yet. I need a shower first.” He pushed himself off the wall and held back a groan.

“How long has it been hurting?”

He froze. “What?”

“Your injury.”

He let his shoulders sag. “Never stopped.” A sigh. “It’s fine. I can handle it.” He forced himself to straighten and moved to step past her.

Her hand on his chest stopped him, her left hand reaching up to cup his cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Despite himself, he leant into her touch. “It’s nothing, love, I promise. A little ache is all.”

The hand on his chest slipped under the right side of his rib cage and pressed.

He flinched away with an indrawn breath.

Damn.

“Tell me that again, Virgil.”

He closed his eyes. “Okay, perhaps I over did it in Perth.”

“Uh huh.”

“What was I supposed to do. You were under a building. Scott was under a building. I-“ He stopped. “Can I have my shower now?”

She stood up on her toes and kissed him fully on his lips, her arms going around his neck and drawing him in close. He went willingly. “You can, but I’m coming with you.”

He hummed approval, kissing the corner of her mouth, her cheekbone and her mouth yet again.

“But don’t get your hopes up. I’m planning to examine exactly what you’ve done to yourself and then you’re going to sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Perhaps he could persuade her otherwise. But another twinge from his side had him sagging again. Who was he kidding?

Her hand brushed his cheek again. “C’mon, love.” She took his hand and led him to their rooms. She stood over him as he shed his uniform, and ran the shower to the perfect temperature. She frowned as her eyes caught sight of his rib cage, but she didn’t say anything further, simply pushing him gently towards the spray.

She left him there and honestly he was grateful, closing his eyes and letting the warmth soak into him. Soap and a clean, shampoo in his hair, the warmth seeping into his bones, his tired muscles. He let himself lean against the tiles and closed his eyes. Take the moment.

Snow rained around him and he flinched.

Damn.

He shoved his face in the spray, rubbed his eyes and turned off the water.

Kay was standing with his towel.

God, she knew how to be silent.

Cotton was wrapped around him and she dried him off, gently against his injured side.

The injury was still a road map of red lines and smudges all down his ribcage. The scar tissue pulled and was thick in places where he had re-injured the road rash from years before. His skin had not been forgiving with the second injury. It puckered and it pained, but he had grown used to it, figuring that it was the price he had to pay for surviving.

Her fingers traced over the lines, passing over numb spots where the nerves had been destroyed only to tingle where they were still active. He shivered.

She lifted his arm up and examined the lines on its underside. Seeing it all in the stark bathroom light impressed him as to how much of a mess he had made of himself and the unsightliness of the result. Her green eyes were intense as she stared at his scars. A sudden sense of shame washed over him.

But Kay was sensitive to his mood and looked up at him, frowning. “What?”

“Nothing.”

The frown deepened.

So he leant down and kissed it away. “I’m okay.”

Her hand landed on his left shoulder and gently pushed him back upright. “No, you are not. Why didn’t you tell me?” And there was the crux of the matter, he hadn’t shared important information with her.

“I didn’t think it was important.”

Okay, wrong thing to say. “My god, Virgil, in what possible way could your health not be important?”

“I didn’t think it was anything worth worrying about.”

She turned her back on him, flinging her hands into the air. “Oh, for the love of-“ She cut herself off, her shoulders stilling for a moment. He suddenly both wished he could see her face, and was glad he could not.

When she did turn around her expression was once again calm. “I will arrange for you to see a specialist in the morning. Tonight, you will go to bed and rest. No rescues.” She held up her hand as he opened his mouth. “God damn it, Virgil, if I have to wake up Scott to make it an order, I’m going to let him rain hell down on you for not telling him about this, too. Then you can feel guilty for stressing him out while he is injured.”

He shut his mouth.

So much for not important.

And then she was drawing him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair. “I’m sorry.” The words fell out of his mouth, even though he knew her response.

“Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.” Her voice was muffled up against his chest, her breath warm on his skin. He closed his eyes.

-o-o-o-

End Part Three

Part Four

[nightmare-cat-art]

Myths and Lies- Chapter 1- Part 1

Chapter 1

Present day

When I was five, I learned how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism because I was bored. I had no brothers to keep me occupied and I learned from an early age, the only way my half sister and me would see eye-to-eye would be if I ripped her eyes out. Tempting, shame it would be illegal with a long prison sentence.

Me being bored happened a lot.

At five years, old I also figured out the only contribution my dad had to my life is his DNA. I’ve got –my mum- Diana’s blonde hair but I’m pretty sure I got my brown eyes from him. In the name blaming game, apparently, my mum chose my first name; Alexa and he chose the unmentionable middle name. I wasn't sure if my mum was just angry with, 'invisi dad,' that day. Another story is my middle name came from one of the mutual likes both my parents had.

People bond over TV programmes, food, technology. My parents bonded over Greek mythology. Out of all the Greek Mythology names they could have picked, they picked the name of a Goddess who got kidnapped to the land of the dead. I envy kids who grew up with fairy tales as bedtime stories and girls who got to dress as princesses. I got the adventures of Zeus and got sent in a toga for fancy dress day.

On top of that, shortly after I was five, it was announced to me Father Christmas didn’t exist. By the age of six, I figured men and fathers were trouble.

The past almost thirteen years after that realisation, the male gender has done nothing to make up for themselves. Except occasionally throwing me the odd chocolate on Valentines Day. However, when I was thirteen Valentines Day chocolates did more damage. The current boyfriend at the time gave me a packet of Revels. Toffee Revels do not mix with braces. I spent my time in the orthodontist chair, thinking how I was going to dump that boyfriend. Due to my interest in science, I was split between using gravity: dropping a rock with the message on him or burning the message on his morning registration table using PH1 acid. I swayed more to the first option, as I wouldn't have to face a reminder of that relationship for the rest of my time at school.

My lack of faith in men has sort of left a large gap, when it comes to my tolerance in them. Enough to say the guy who stole my first kiss, ended up with a broken nose and I ran away screaming. Any confrontations with boys, my friends ultimately dealt with them for me. This means the first boyfriend got saved from being hit by a rock.

Fate had it; I was born in the summer. I could spend the last few days of my year staring up at the sky behind sunglasses, sipping ice-cold cola. Thankful, that the braces went before I turned fourteen; therefore, I can drink those kinds of, “Bad for your teeth,” Drinks. The orthodontist, who lived down the road from me, wouldn't catch me and tell me off with a lecture on braces rules. I know dentists don't live in their surgeries, but why does mine have to live down the road? Or did he offer some sort of same postcode discount? Apart from the orthodontist living near me, another thing was bad about summer. I was born on the wrong side of summer.

My mother gave birth to me in the middle of July. Meaning I have to spend my birthdays in school. Visions of me sunbathing down by the brook or the back garden, turned into sunbathing on the school field listening to screaming school kids. On this occasion, my birthday is on the final exam of my sixth form life. At least this gave two things to celebrate. My eighteenth birthday and the end of sixth form and I can start my gap year then get off to university.

It is due to my mum I’m taking a gap year. She hinted at things I could be doing, not one of the hints put me out of fifty miles’ radius of our, 'busy when it wants to be,' town. I put it down to she didn't want to be left alone in the oversized house and the desire she has to keep me from the outside world.

Annoyingly, from the age of eighteen she let Sarah, my half-sister, go travelling. Sarah disappears at the end of spring then reappears at the end of winter. She brings with her blossom on the trees, warmer weather and my desperate want to shoot her. My mum makes up the story that she is with her dad. That isn't proven in the Facebook photos Sarah posts. Pretty sure I've seen Sarah's dad, he doesn't look like any of the men in the photos.

Growing up, my mum did the thing of smothering me, I'm nearly eighteen and I still have a curfew. I'm expected to spend the next year working in a travel agent; I’m still waiting for my mother to see the irony.

The only good things coming my way this year: My two friends have decided to stay, and I get to stay in a clean house with my garden obsessed mother who will feed me.

Hopefully, my mind won't be damaged too much; chances are my mum's friend Athena will be over on her weekly visits making sure I'm not glued to the TV.

“I cannot believe it is our final few days here.” A blur of white and black wheeled past me in the student council room. The blur woman is being the monster of distraction. I’ve been trying to do some revision for the biology exam, which is sometime after lunch, or fifth period according to the timetable. I say sometime after lunch as the exam hall or gym is across the field, down a hill and past the smokers. I might as well start making my way there early, in case the hill decides to hate me.

“Really? You have a calendar that has counted down to these very days since September!” I sighed, pointing over to Yuuki's vibrant wall in the student council room. How Yuuki got on the student council I have no idea… actually blackmail comes to mind. The calendar is pinned in the corner is only thing that hasn't changed on her wall since September. Yuuki covered the walls in her latest Hollywood crush. This month it’s Clark Gable.

“Well I needed to put something in the calendar! Really Alexa, not everyone takes these exams seriously.” She’s probably hinting at the fact my calendar had counted down to these exams since the beginning of the year. “Besides I like the cute kittens on my calendar.” She smirked, revealing blue teeth and the fact she had been on the blue raspberry Popsicles again. At least her white shirt isn't Popsicle tie-dyed, like last time.

“Yuuki, shouldn't you either be revising or finalising student council things? For once, follow the rules on what we should, be doing in here.” Sophia called buried under paper at the other side of the room. Sophia made me glad I’m not a part of this council. It looked too much work, even if you did have Yuuki proving you could do this work with little effort, but then she normally did nothing.

However, I felt part of their pain. My luck my two close friends dragged me to wait outside every fortnightly meeting.

“If we are playing by rules. I'm kicking Alexa out; she isn't a member of the council!” Yuuki argued.

“Please do that. I might get some work done.” I groaned, tempted to bash my head on the wooden desk. I only come in here because they decide to do work every so often, or Sophia does work, Yuuki messes about. Sophia's auburn hair poked out of the paper after that.

“Alexa isn't going anywhere.” Sophia replied bluntly, pushing her reading glasses up.

“Actually, I might as well get some air. This exam might kill me. Or at least make me kill the person in front of me, that way I can examine their lungs to get the respiration questions right.”

“This is why I was against you taking biology.” Sophia stated.

“To be honest, Soph. You were against her taking nearly all the subjects here. What was it? Textiles, she would stick pins into people’s eyes... Not that she has the imagination for the arts-.”

“Yuuki. Shut up.” I said. I didn't need this a short time away from the exam. Like usual, Yuuki is too persistent and continued talking about me to Sophia.

“Geography, you were worried she would learn where to plant explosives or bury bodies. Sociology and psychology, we didn't need her to find out more things wrong with society or find out exactly how the mind works. You were pretty sure, that if she took those two subjects we would be looking at a real-life psychological horror film.”

“Ok Yuuki.” Sophia interrupted. “I complained a lot two years ago, I get it.”

“Complained?” Yuuki coughed with sarcasm, dragging out another melting ice pop, from God knows where.

“I'm going out.” I sighed. I’m used to the words that came with how my mind worked, hence I’m used to the isolation. I’m the seventeen-year-old female who is uncomfortable around people especially men, but I am also the person who understood people to the point it became freaky.

“Alexa!” Sophia called. I walked out of the modern decorated room to the pale corridor. Sophia will tell me to get back inside, if I obeyed her and stopped in the stuffy room, my headache would worsen.

Anyone else would have to add in time to figure out how to get through the labyrinth of corridors and one-way system this school has. Luckily after a few hit and miss tries here when I first started this school about six years ago, I got the navigation down to an art.

I felt like running out of the gates and throw myself on the long grass near the pond in the middle of the woods. If only, ‘I didn’t fancy doing the exam,' turned out to be an appropriate excuse to get out of an A-level exam. Maybe I should do that. Thanks to my mother, my life isn't going anywhere. She might as well chain me to the side of a cliff like they do in Greek Mythology.

“Persephone. Why did they have to pick Persephone?” I almost screamed it out loud to stop myself from hitting my head against something hard or going back to my habit of pulling my hair. As if knowing Greek Mythology stories weren't enough. I get reminded of it every time someone says my full name. “Why not let the ground swallow me up and take me to the Underworld like in the story?” I groaned, kicking a stone by the tree near the broken fence.

I rested my forehead on the tree trunk closing my eyes tight. Wishing for change. Something light land on my head, I opened my eyes and stepped back to find a dozen leaves floating to the ground.

“I've lost it.” I muttered.

“Persephone Kora.” I jumped. Turning to find the man who had sang that, he sounded proud of himself. This is the reason I’m not allowed to carry any sort of weapon on me.

“That is not my name.” I hissed, curling my fists at my sides.

“You said it was a moment ago.” The light-haired man grinned.

“No, I didn't.” I answered, trying to remember exactly what I said in that rant. I know for certain I did not say, 'I'm Persephone,' I'd rather pull my hair out, which is what I might end up doing if I don't stop pulling my hair at the roots, thanks to stress.

“Do you know what sort of reward I'd get, if I took you back?”

“A special padded cell?” I think I have found someone crazier than my mum, at least she didn't show any signs of being deluded into thinking I am Persephone from the stories. “Plus, you're on school grounds.” I pointed out trying to seem calm, hoping he didn’t need to be told that is a rule he is currently breaking.

His smug look turned into one of anger. I tried running towards the school he grabbed me by the arm pulling me in the opposite direction, muttering something about, Hades.

“Who the hell are you?” I yelled trying to kick him, missing every time. “I am not who you think I am!” There must be other females out there whose actual name is Persephone.

“You need to come with me!” He commanded. If he thought I’m going to go with him by saying that, he is 100% wrong. I tried pulling myself away; forcing him to move slightly forward in the direction I’m going, causing him to tighten his grip. Making my arm he’s holding hurt more.

“I'm not going with anyone!” I shrieked. Where is everyone when you need them?

“Fine.” He said stopping suddenly. No part of me took that, as he is about to give up.

Of course, he didn't.

He seized me and threw me on his shoulder. Then I began screaming blue murder, while kicking and watching the school grow further away as he walked across the field outside of the fence. My whole body warned me to get away as soon as possible and I believe my stomach is threatening to throw up.

“If you don't shut up and stop moving I'll make you.” He sneered. I coughed back a laugh. I’m the one at fault here?

“I'll make you put me down!” I snapped. I knew however, I'd probably never be able to do that. This has never happened to me before! I never expected to be kidnapped. I tried living a quiet life where I blended in, not causing too much attention, ignoring the slight hiccup that happened every so often. I have never learned how to get out of these situations!

Oh no. He'll kill me then throw my body in a ditch.

“Let me go!” I shrieked.

I’m on the edge of screaming, 'I don't want to die,' my emotions started to turn, slowly giving up as I felt the tears gather.

In our small town, there is a secluded area. Although, I’m not facing the direction we are going, I had a suspicion that we are heading to that area.

In the middle of this small private area is a large stone temple. As far as I knew, no one had been in it. There’s a town law that stated you needed special permission to even walk on the steps around the building. The town council were probably over cautious, thinking someone is going to vandalise the white stone, or the worn statues around the perimeter of the walls.

“Please, let me go.” I pleaded; hoping for the millionth time it would make difference. I knew we are in the private area. The old trees surrounding the temple proved it. My fear heightened once hearing the creak of the metal gate that kept people out. He had to kick the black iron door a few times, while twisting the golden door handle in the middle of it. A cloud of dust exited the dimly lit hall before he dragged me in.

“Stay still.” He threw me off his shoulder. My spine slammed against one of the inner stonewalls. I shrank back thinking how to get away. I booted him; he grabbed my wrists harsh enough I’m sure they would be bruise.

He tied my hands together, ignoring my struggles, with a loose bit of rough hanging rope that he got from one of the spikes sticking out from the wall. He walked through a wooden door into another room with a window dome, which to be honest needed to be cleaned, on the ceiling.

“I'm not who you think I am!” I cried collapsing further by the wall; I curled up in the entrance. I hid myself from the main hall.

He had locked the front door, unless I became the master of knocking down sturdy looking doors, I’m stuck.

I tried to quieten my breathing when talking in the next room started. I began panicking more inside.

He is going to kill me.

I’m going to be a sacrifice to whatever God he worshiped.

“My lord. I found her.” He muttered, over and over again, sometimes mentioning the name, 'Persephone,' Sometimes other incomprehensible things.

There’s no reply. I calmed a bit. He was busy preoccupying himself in a fictional belief. I leaped at the door.

“Get back here!” The man in the next room commanded, hearing me trying to open the door; the clunking of the gold door handle was obvious. He marched forward grabbing the sides of my shirt and dragging me back into the dusty room. I started to scream for help, when it he decided he'd be able to drag me back better if he held me by my waist and not my shirt. Panic and pain began to intensify the longer he touched me.

There’s a shiny marble alter in the middle of the room. Once there, he used the chains, which I guessed were used for actual sacrifices, and linked them to the rope that is rubbing my wrists. I couldn't see what he is doing due to being on the wrong side of the table.

His mutterings commenced again. This time they didn't last for long.

“You had better have a good reason for this!” Another voice sneered.

I kept quiet.

If I gave myself up the more likely these people would kill me. They had to be insane; the one who had just talked must live here.

“I-I,” He stuttered, almost sounding as if he’s in shock. “She-.” It is if he can't get out more than one word.

I wanted to go home. Forget the exam I have. Chances are it would be starting any minute. I wanted the new English accented man to give up go away and then I might be able to get out of here.

“Over there.” The kidnapper squeaked. I would probably have had the same reaction, if it weren’t caught in my throat, after hearing footsteps begin walking this way. I wished for once in my life the unrealistic thing would happen, and I would become invisible.

I shrank back again, shuffling, far away from the sound of footsteps.

The man who the footsteps belonged to suddenly appeared.

I could see him... And he could see me. A smile grew on his pale face.

I feel like I’m caught in headlights.

Another first, I am speechless in a man’s presence and not running away. There’s something about him that made my eyes lock onto him and even approach him, which for me, it’s the weirdest feeling ever.

“You are an idiot.” He abruptly said turning back to the kidnapper. His dark hair, which reached his shoulders, shifted with the air at his quick movement before walking away.

“What?” He shrieked in a reply. The kidnapper seemed to be the one about to have the panic attack. My respiratory system is still frozen from shock of the, Dark and Mysterious man’s stare.

“As much as I wanted to know she existed, there were rules put in place!”

I climbed up, still shaking from fear but my want to get out of here is slowly eating away at my sanity and me. I'm putting me wanting to get cosy and getting to know, Dark and Mysterious guy over there down to I'm becoming insane.

“Can I go home please?” I breathed.

“No.” Dark and Mysterious said, without even thinking.

“I really need to go.” I trembled. I’m not a people person or a person who went well with stress.

“Idiot.” He muttered shaking his head, making his way back to me.

My back is against the pillar next to the altar I’m stood next to.

“Are you going to kill me?” I worried. He then looked at me like he’s shocked that I would think of that.

“No. No. I'd never...”

“Then let me go. I won't say anything.” I don't know if anyone would believe me that there is a Greek cult here.

“I'm not letting you go.” He answered angry with me.

[aspiringauthorblog-blog]

Immortality Keys Except

Hey! Here’s an except from the first book. 

Chapter Two “Commander Afokmi, I’m pretty sure you’ve exhausted every preset on the bot. Maybe you should take a rest?” I pushed myself to stand and walked away from the felled robot.

“I have a mission coming up soon. I will not make the same mistake as my brother, and be unprepared for a conflict,” I replied. “Could you find me some retired presets before I come in again tomorrow?” The door slid open, and I walked out of the training room.

“Of course, Commander,” the operator replied as I walked past. As I entered the locker room though, I heard them mutter. “At least the General hadn’t been a bitch…”

“Isn’t, Operator,” I corrected. “He’s still alive, you know.” I surpressed a smile at the sudden horror that filled the operator. It would do them good to hold their tongue.

I pulled open my locker and removed my holobracelet. It pulsed green with notifications, so I opened them.

“Commander Afokmi, your brother has woken up. Could you or Sergeant Pheone come to escort him to his quarters?” Doctor Morris’s message read. Damn, it had been sent just after I went into training. I threw on my change of clothes and hurried out towards the medical ward as I scrolled through the few other messages.

“Commander Afokmi, your mission briefing has been rescheduled to happen in two days. Please come to the Research Ward after Training.” Ugh, I hate changes to my schedule.

I hurried into the medical ward, only to run into the one person I did not need to see. Rhaenga.

“Envera! What a surprise, I—” Rhaenga began. I brushed past him, and walked up to my brother’s empty bed. “Pheone came to get him. I guess you were busy?”

“Sergeant Pheone to you, Medic,” I hissed. “If that’s the case, I’ll take my leave.” I turned to see he’d barred the door.

“Envera, please. Can’t we just talk?” His yellow eyes gleamed sadly. There had been a time where I would’ve listened to anything he said. Not anymore though.

“I need to see my brother. Now, move,” I ordered. He folded his scaled arms over his chest and frowned.

“You’re being unreasonable,” he began.

“Unreasonable? You left me for dead,” I replied. I didn’t yell, scream, or shriek this. He wasn’t worth it. “I trusted you with my life, and you left me for dead the second we came under fire. I brought myself back to this station, barely conscious. And when I returned, you didn’t even look at me. When Jenderous came after you, you told him it was either me or you. We were mates, Rhaenga. Mates. If that had meant anything to you, you would’ve stayed beside me. Instead, you left me, and I want nothing to do with you. Now, I’ll say this one more time: move!” He flinched as I spoke, and did actually move. Unfortunately, he followed me.

“If you wanted nothing to do with me, why did you set Jenderous on me?”

“I didn’t do anything. You’re the one who tripped his sister in order to escape rebels. Jenderous went after you himself,” I replied. Hopefully, once Rhaenga realized I was heading towards Jenderous, he’d leave me alone.

“Then why does he continue to harass me? He belittled me in front of Doctor Xyil the second he woke up!” I couldn’t help it. I let out a laugh. “I could get a disciplinary report!”

“You deserve no pity from me,” I replied. “Now, Medic. I have no need of an escort to see my brother. I also believe you have a job to do.” I walked away, leaving him behind. Honestly, if only Jenderous had agreed to being assigned a new station. But no, he couldn’t.

“Envera, we have our orders from His Excellency. Besides, this is where our people had served. Don’t you think we need to carry that on as long as we can?” He’d said when I had asked him to request a reassignment during my stay in the Med Ward. “However, I can promise you that I will make Rhaenga regret what he did, and make him want a transfer.”

As I passed the mess hall, I saw Pheone walking toward me.

“Commander Afokmi, how are you?” She turned as I passed her to walk beside me. “I just brought your brother food.”

“You’re too kind,” I replied. Pheone had never been a friend to me. She was indeed kind, and I did enjoy talking to her, but I never felt the ability to confide myself in her. I could never admit to any worries or doubts. I couldn’t even tell her that there was no chance Jenderous would return her feelings for him, especially after he’d seen Rhaenga’s disregard for me. “Is he well?”

“As far as I can tell, yes. Although, he seems to go into his own head quite easily,” she replied. “I’ll bring his dinner to him, if that’s alright?” Poor girl. I nodded.

“If you’d like, the three of us could have dinner together. I’m sure he’d like that.” That made her smile.

“Too bad we can’t do what we normally do,” she replied.

“I’m sure he’ll cook again soon enough. He loves it.” I watched as the band on her wrist lit up. She tapped on a button and the holoscreen showed a message.

“Agh, my Commander wants to see me about the mission. I’ll see you later,” Pheone sighed before hurrying off in the other direction. I then ran down the hall to my brother’s room.

I walked in after punching in my brother’s password. The room seemed empty.

“Jenderous?” I called as the door shut behind me. I heard movement from the bathroom.

“I’ll be out in a second!” Followed by a crash. “Maybe two seconds!” I ran over and found my brother sitting on the bathroom floor, a shirt over his head.

“Are you hurt?” I asked as I took the shirt hem and tugged it down. His hair was wet and hung down, over his eyes. He shook his head, splashing me with water droplets.

“Does the injury to my pride count?” He asked as he adjusted the medallion around his neck. I watched as his eyes went blank for a second, then he focused back on me. “Envera, how are you?”

“I’m fine. Do you need help getting up?”

“Nah,” Jenderous replied. He pushed against the ground and flew up, still in a sitting position. “Flying around makes my head hurt a little less,” he explained.

“You need to drink, you’ve been unconscious for a while,” I said. I walked into the kitchen as he flew over to the couch. After filling up two glasses, I joined him,

“I have been out for a while,” he snorted. I watched him drain the glass in one go. “Now, tell me about this new mission?” I shook my head. How could he possibly think about me right now?

“Jenderous, you just woke up from a coma,” I replied. “We can focus on you right now.” I watched him push his hair back, out of his eyes. Space black with streaks of purple where the light hit it, and a new silver streak that appeared when he was brought back from the mission. He kept his left eye on me from an angle. “Missing your eyepatch?” He nodded. “Let me find one for you.”

“Last I remembered, I keep the spare in the top drawer next to my bed,” he said. I got up and walked over. Opening the drawer, I found the ordinate eyepatch with our family crest, and a silver gemstone carved into a crescent.

“This is the nice one. Are you sure you want it?” I looked back to see him nod. Gently, I lifted it up and walked back before placing it in his hand. After he secured it over his scarred eye, I sat down and he faced me fully. I could still see the edge of the scar just below where the eyepatch ended, but it bothered me less. “What happened?”

Jenderous curled up, hugging his knees to his chest as his tail curled over his feet. “I don’t remember, I can’t remember the past seven lunar cycles at all!” He bit his lip and looked down. “Envera, I’m scared. What happened to me?” I was watching my brother, the king of our people, break down. I moved closer to him and hugged him, patting his back gently.

“You were on a conquest mission in Sector 61. Apparently, when the other soldiers found you, you’d already been unconscious, and you’d been stabbed. When you were brought back, the Med staff had to perform surgery to repair a pierced lung and stitch you up, but you were still unconscious,” I explained. “It’s been practically a lunar cycle since you were brought back.”

“You weren’t worried?” Jenderous looked up at me. He didn’t seem angry, or even upset. He just had the familiar curious gleam in his eye.

“Thayron’s already taken everyone else I love. He knows I would attempt to overthrow him if he took you too,” I said. Jenderous snorted and shook his head.

“To this day, I still can’t understand how you can say such things about your patron. Why would you even pick him if you despise him so much?” I looked away. I loved Jenderous, he was a great brother and leader, but he’d seen a much kinder version of our people as he’d grown up.

“Because he made my existence miserable, so I’m going to return the favor. It’s not the worst reason to pick a patron, I don’t think.” Jenderous nodded thoughtfully, keeping whatever opinion he had to himself. I noticed a keycard on the cushions between us. “What’s that?”

“Oh, here,” he said. He handed me the keycard, and I saw Rhaenga’s information on it. “He wasn’t paying attention when Pheone escorted me out, so I took it.” Jenderous grinned at me, happy with himself.

“You know he needs this to access the medicine room, right?” I asked. Jenderous shrugged and leaned back against the couch, keeping his eye on me.

“Who cares what he needs? Rhaenga deserves a pain in his tail.” Jenderous was frowning now. He’d taken what Rhaenga had done personally when it’d happened half a solar cycle ago.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right?” I reminded him. Jenderous shrugged again.

“I don’t even remember what happened. I just know I hate him,” he admitted. “Either way, it’s fun to agitate him.” I laughed and turned the keycard over in my hands a few times. There was a little box in my quarters filled with things Jenderous had taken from Rhaenga, including reports he was about to turn in, a few pieces of jewelry, trinkets, and 4 previous key cards.

“You’re not going to give it back, right?” Jenderous was watching me, and it felt weird. Before he got hurt, his posture and actions felt intimidating or authoritative. Now, he just looked at me curiously, and he seemed a bit nervous.

“Why would I? I barely stand being in the same room as him, much less actually communicat--” My holobracelet flashed purple, meaning a general was messaging me.

“Who is it?” Jenderous leaned towards me.

“General Vado Kyl,” I replied. That name sounded familiar. “You know him?”

“He was Pheone’s general, before Vado Mor, up until that raid in Sector 39 five solar cycles ago. I’m pretty sure he’s buried in the station’s cemetery.” I glanced to Jenderous, slightly disturbed. How was a dead general sending me a message? Jenderous must’ve seen my expression, because he continued. “It could be a glitch, or someone using a hack to get your attention.”

“‘Meet me at the forest line, near the jogging path,’” I read. “Think I should go?”

“If it’s a prank, you can teach whoever thought of it a lesson on not messing with Fendoorens. And if it’s a glitch, you don’t want to keep someone waiting forever. They might have something important to tell you about the upcoming mission,” Jenderous replied.

“Is that a yes?” Jenderous nodded. “What about you? Are you sure you can be left alone?”

“I was going to sleep until dinner, actually. Believe it or not, three weeks wasn’t nearly enough time to rest.” Jenderous pushed himself up and walked over to his bed. After removing his eyepatch, he flopped into his bed.

“How dignified of you,” I snorted. He waved his hand at me before curling up on his side. “Sergeant Pheone will be bringing dinner to you, and we’ll all eat together. I’ll see you soon, Brother.” I made my way to the door.

“See you, love you,” Jenderous replied, his voice already slurred with sleep. I blinked. He hadn’t said anything like that in almost a solar cycle.

The outside air had a frigidness to it, and a gentle breeze that stirred up trees branches, leaves, and my hair. As I walked, I tied my hair back to keep the black strands from falling in my face. I saw a few soldiers running on the trails, and a few small groups of friends chatting idly.

“You think we’ll be chosen for the mission?” One soldier asked her friends. “I’ve always wanted to go on a conquest.”

“I don’t know. From preliminary findings, it doesn’t seem like this will be the most diplomatic of missions. A lot of people will probably get hurt or killed,” one of the other soldiers replied.

“Hey look,” I saw one of them point at me. “Isn’t that the Fendooren soldier?” I cringed at his pronunciation.

“It’s pronounced Fen-Door-in, Cayln, not Fen-do-ren. And yes, that’s one of them,” the girl explained. I smiled a bit. Maybe I should talk to her sometime.

“What’s with her tail? Why does it move like that? The dogs on our planet have minimal movement,” the idiot, Cayln, spat. I froze.

“Cayln, you know she can hear you right?” The first friend replied. Part of me wanted to storm over and yell at him. Fendoorens were far from dogs. Had that idiot seen us before the Calamity, he would’ve known that. Instead, I kept walking towards the forest. I heard one of the people stand up, as if they meant to approach me. I snapped my tail, hoping that whoever it was knew enough body language cues to stay away.

“Who knotted your tail the wrong way?” A deep, laughing voice asked as I got to the supposed meeting place. I folded my arms, looking in annoyance at the man who walked out.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, my Patron?” I asked. Thayron, the Fendooren God of Death stood before me. I’m sure it would’ve been more impressive if he’d decided to remain in his godly form, but he looked like any mortal Fendooren. His pale skin stuck out against the black clothing and the bands that wrapped around his neck, arms, and fingers he wore. Black hair was tied back and hung down his shoulder, which made it easy to see his golden eyes, and the closed eyelid on his forehead.

“Envera, could you walk with me? I wish to discuss a confidential matter with you, and I do not wish to be overheard,” Thayron said, offering me his arm. I walked beside him, but did not touch him.

“Good thing you decided to have this conversation with the one person who has super hearing then,” I replied. “What is the matter you wish to discuss?”

“It’s come to my attention that one of my weapons has been stolen,” Thayron began. “Had I been Solair or Astra, I would write it off as banter that has gotten a bit out of hand. However, I have no rivals, nor do I have anyone who is unsatisfied with me, safe for you, of course. Therefore, my only conclusion is that someone has taken it with the intent to use it.”

“Excellent deduction skills,” I replied, tilting my head side to side. “Obviously if someone takes a weapon, they intend to use it. I presume you want me to find this weapon?” Thayron narrowed his gaze at me, then pressed his hand to the side of his temple.

“Yes, I want you to get it back. If my spear falls into the wrong hands, it will be devastating.”

“Wait, wait, you lost the Spear? Why was that even in a position to be stolen?” How stupid could Thayron be?

“Yes. Now, will you find it? You’re the most reliable of my devoted, and you have access to the places you’ll need to look,” Thayron said. I stopped on the trail and faces him.

“I want something in return. I refuse to undo your mess without some sort of payment,” I demanded. Thayron smirked, crossing his arms and resting his chin against his hand.

“This is why I like you Verr Sya,” he began. “You’re not afraid to tell me anything. Now, what would you like in return?”

“I want to see my mom,” I said.

He blinked and looked aside. “I’ve told you, I don’t have…”

“Did I stutter, Thayron?” I stared at him, frowning slightly. “In return for the Spear, you will let me meet my mom. I won’t agree to anything less.” Thayron sighed and shook his head, probably cursing me in his mind.

“Fine, I will find your mother and let you see her if you find and return my Spear,” Thayron finally breathed. “Is that a worthy trade for your effort?”

I nodded and continued to walk. Thayron fell into step beside me again. “I will require transportation to wherever you believe it is, though. Could you give me more information?”

“How familiar are you with the inhabitants of Zepheral?” Thayron asked. I shook my head, recognizing the name.

“Oh absolutely not! You’re suggesting a Werin stole your Spear? They’re barely capable of fighting themselves, let alone accessing Torii!” The Fendooren brother race of the Werins were deplorable characters. “You can’t possibly think of sending me there, do you have any idea what they do to their women?”

Thayron nodded, his expression somber. “I am well aware, but you are not a Werin girl raised to believe that is her place. You’re the Fendooren princess. I know you wouldn’t let such a fate befall you. Haven’t you considered that if the Werin people saw a person like you, things could begin to change?” I shook my head. From what Jenderous had said, when that conversation had ever arisen, I knew that the Werins were barbaric at best, and mortal hellspawn at worst.

“What those people need is a Cleanse of their own,” I spat. “They are uncivilized, dangerous, violent, demeaning unevolved bastards! Why would I ever aide them?”

“I’m not asking that you aide them, I’m asking you to go there to look for the Spear. Surely you could tolerate with the existence of the Werins in order to meet your mother, right? Besides, it’s not like the Werins are the only ones on Zepheral. If you really want to, you could spend all of your time with the other inhabitants,” Thayron chidded. “Anyway, I will have someone help you reroute your… Uh… What do you call those things?” I tilted my head and raised an eyebrow. “Those things you use to go to other planets.”

“You mean the Astral Travelers?” He nodded. “I need to reroute it?”

“To Zepheral, yeah. I presume they never taught you how to add new coordinates, right?” For as much as he lacked in knowledge of what happened to the Fendoorens after the Calamity, he had that right. For some reason, my brother and I had never been taught how to set our own coordinates. I had figured that it was because neither of us were technicians or researchers.

“No, I haven’t the faintest idea of how to do that,” I replied. “What should I do before that?”

“I would see if you could get any information on Zepheral from your information hubs. Also, maybe seek some advisement from your brother. Don’t tell him about the Spear though. Just ask him about Zepheral, he might remember the politics from before the Calamity,” Thayron advised. I bit my lip, thinking of how I could possibly get anyone in the information hub to give me access to anything. “In two days, head to the hanger of your Astral Traveller, alright?” After I nodded, Thayron snapped his fingers, and disappeared before my eyes.

I made my way back towards the station, and saw the group from earlier. I noticed that the girl was wearing the coat that identified those who worked in the information hub. As I walked past, I saw Calyn kiss the girl, a universal sign of mateship. I smiled slightly as I realized I might’ve just found how to get the information I needed.

[thechasefiles]

TIA'S LITTLE PINKY TRAGEDY & EXPERIENCE AT THE Queen Elizabeth Hospital

PART ONE

"So yes we did make it across the border to Barbados 🇧🇧 but turned out I wasn’t ready after all! 😞 Within minutes of us reaching our villa and with all the kids being over excited running around the place Tia had the top of her baby finger slammed shut in one of the heavy wood internal villa bedroom doors! Tias finger tip from the base of her nail had came clean off with her nail (including the nail from under the skin) hanging to the side, from the under neath you could see the exposed bone! Immediately i panicked when I heard the screams, saw all the blood covering the floors and my baby girls hand with her missing finger!Her finger tip was picked off the floor and immediately put on ice.

After calling emergency services I was told they had no ambulances to come and collect Tia and that we had to make our own way to The Queen Elizabeth hospital (40 minutes away) Lucky the taxi driver that dropped us to the apartment was still outside when it happened and was able to take us to A&E. As I got to the hospital to check Tia at reception around 8pm (bajan time) one of the receptionist took the ice tray with Tia’s finger tip in then I watched her walk to the main entrance and literally threw the finger tip and the watered down ice on the pavement outside the front of A&E! Fuming I had to go outside to ask what the 🤬🤬🤬🤬 she thought she was doing and go and pick it back up myself! 😤😤

Once I managed to get Tia registered she was assessed, given some medicine and told she would need an X-ray, it took around 1 1/2 hours to have the X-ray and then had to wait another 2 hours for someone to come and physically look at her hand! Just before 2am on Tuesday 16th Tia was seen by a doctor (still in accident and emergency department).The doctor asked the nurse present at the time if the finger tip had been placed in a preservative solution, I told him it has been on ice from the moment I entered A&E but at no point has anyone taken the finger tip to attempt to preserve it! On 2 different occasions while waiting to be seen ice was requested to keep the tip preserved to the best of my ability and it took over half an hour plus having to duplicate requests before anyone brought any ice! At this point the doctor had advised me WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT HER FINGER TIP that because of the length of time (we had been waiting) it wouldn’t of been possible to re-attach it! 6 hours we waited with Tia’s hand and exposed bone to her little finger placed on only a wet towel, open to infection and contestant bleeding!

The clothes both me and Tia wore were soaked from the wet towel, the air conditioning left her shaking, I asked for something to keep her warm and was given a thin sheet to cover us both. Tia was finally given a bed on a ward, her left hand was lightly wrapped to keep the finger covered until she went down! I was advised that she would have an operation, they would nibble down a small piece of the exposed bone and then pull the skin over to seal the wound. I was advised that Tia was due to go down for surgery at 6am that morning, she had been stared (prioritised) and would be seen following any emergencies (if a 5 year olds amputated finger with exposed bone and bleeding isn’t classed as an emergency I have no idea what is)

Around 8am Tuesday 16th I was approached by a lady with a card reader from accounts , she advised me that I was required to pay $2900 bajan dollars for my Tia to have her operation and this amount did not necessarily include any follow up treatment. I advised the lady that I had shown my travel insurance documents when I arrived at a&e while registering Tia! I was told that’s just the way the Queen Elizabeth hospital works,I (on behalf of the patient) must pay the amount in full for them to proceed with my daughters medical treatment! I explained that I did not have this money personally and felt it necessary to discuss this matter with my travel insurance after all that is exactly what it’s for! It took constant phone calls to and from my insurance company trying to get the required bill payed in order for them to proceed with my Tia’s opp! Finally the hospital had agreed to accept a payment option! And the hospital do not give you copies of any documentation that you sign not will they allow you to take photos!

Tia had not eaten food for nearly 42 hours due to the time difference following our flights and the time difference between the uk and Barbados and taking into consideration Tia last ate Sunday evening, although she was offered food on the plane she didn’t really touch it! The following morning a doctor came to see us at 11am to advise that Tia would soon be operated on soon! She told me she was sorry Tia hadn’t been fed as she gave instructions to the nurses to allow her to eat the night before! The doctor allowed Tia to have a few sips of some sprite to get her blood sugar levels up! At around 15.30pm Tia was prep’ed and taken down for her opp of which I was told that could take about 1-2 hours. Tia was in the operation room for less than 30 minutes before I was allowed to wait for her to come to in recovery.

INSTANTLY I SAW that they had taken down more of the finger tip than anyone had even discussed! 2 doctors stood over Tia to tell me the surgery went good, once she came to and had the medicine she was allowed back on the ward and very soon be able to finally eat something! When we returned up to the ward, Tia was sick, she threw up the medication she had just taken. She continued to have sips of sprite for the next hour or so! It got to around 18.30pm and the staff were just handing out the children on the ward their food! Tia didn’t get any! I asked the nurse at reception if my daughter was allowed to eat she tell me NO & that’s she would not be able to eat until the following Morning! I questioned the nurse as I had already been told twice that my daughter could eat after her operation and from since she came up and up until that time she was not even on a drip to keep her hydrated & yet she was still expected to wait until the following morning!

I HAVE TO EXIT THE BUILDING. When I made my way back to the ward and bumped into one of the doctors of whom carried out Tia’s surgery, he once again confirmed that YES TIA CAN EAT!!! I asked the doctor to assort me back to the ward and correct the nurse but instead said he would call ahead for me! When I returned to Tia & my cousin, surprisingly Tia had already been put back on the drip! As I began to tell my cousin what I had discovered online the nurse in question leant over my daughters bed with a frown on her face and a stern voice... ‘I tell you dat you daughter can’t eat until de morning an you went an find de doctor, wanna is stupid’ Instantly I reacted and with a bajan accent told the nurse No I ain’t stupid, an continued to tell her about herself! I told her i felt she was rude and incompetent of doing the job in which she is being paid for, she was inconsiderate for approaching me in front of my 5 year old daughter lying on her hospital bed and that she was in fact the stupid one and that I as the parent of my child regardless have every right to question everything relating to her treatment while in the hospitals care especially after her operation was delayed until payment had been received! She then told me that if I wanted to feed my child to do it as it will be my problem if she’s sick, so I reminded her that in fact in would be her problem as she is the one that would have to clean it up! I was not impressed, all Tia wanted to do was eat and cried as she said her belly was hurting because she was hungry! I then told Tia to sit up in the bed and started slowly feeding my daughter crackers, going against the nurses judgement! Within the hour Tia had demolished a whole pack of crackers, a bunch of grapes, a pack of plantin crisps and she drank a whole bottle sprite without being sick!?! When the nurse later returned to give Tia her antibiotics she asked if Tia had eaten so I told her and then said that I wanted to take my daughter home tomorrow and wished to see a doctor first thing as I didn’t feel that any of them had Tia’s interest at heart! The following morning on Wednesday 17th July Tia was allowed to leave, having to return in 2 days to have her checked and the dressing changed.

We returned to the hospital on Friday 19th July as planned, straight away I was told to go to accounts and was required to pay $85 bajan dollars before my daughter would be seen! The bill was settled and my daughter was seen by a doctor! At the appointment they removed Tia’s bandages and the site of her finger was exposed 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬I HAVE NEVER (NOT EVEN IN THE HORROR MOVIES) SEEN SOMEONE HAVE THEIR FINGER LEFG LOOKING SO! I am so disgusted with the outcome of my daughters surgery! It was hard enough having to except the fact that due to such a poor health system no one even attempted to look at the possibility of her finger tip being reattached! Then to see that no only had they removed more of her finger tip it looks like a patch work quilt where someone has physically sown a mini clenched fist on the end of her finger 😳😡😡I am devastated that someone would allow a 5 year old child or any person at all walk out of the operation with their finger looking like that!

While waiting for a second doctor Tia asked me why her finger hasn’t been fixed? Why the didn’t put back on her finger nail and even more heart breaking asked why her finger has (in her eyes) teeth 😞 In front of Tia the second doctor began to talk... Ok so the finger tip doesn’t look like what we would of liked, it has what we call ears flaps and it may need another operation to re-construct her finger when you return to he uk! Even after it costing $2900 Tia will at a later date have to have the finger or should I say half a finger re/operated on! In the meantime time they said Tia would have to come back for another redressing and check up on Monday 22nd July. Absolutely fuming we left the hospital. I felt sick all day, not being able to sleep I contacted a few private hospitals, that night I had managed to make an appointment at a private clinic for Tia to be re-assessed the following morning, so I could have a second opinion.

We attended the appointment on Saturday 20th July, the site of the inside of the hospital as a breath of fresh air and I was so pleased with the way Tia was treated & sadly advised that the finger seemed to be healing and she would have to wait to re-constructed it if it is even possible with out removing even more of her finger to do so! Honestly if they said anything could of possibly been done I would of had my insurance company cut our visit short and return to England. We then attended-the appointment on Monday for her dressing to be changed. On Wednesday she is due to have the poorly done stitches removed I’m not looking forward to it at all 😞 But despite loosing most of her baby finger it hasn’t phased Tia’s spirit at all ❤️❤️🙏🏽

Tia has been incredibly brave, walking around wearing nothing but the biggest smile and she has done absolutely amazingly well at not letting her finger stop her from having fun and enjoying herself! So much so she has made my heart miss several beats! It’s been a week from since the incident and it’s haunted me every second since. I plan to come home and do anything in my power to have my baby girls finger corrected. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE warn friends and family in the tragic event of an emergency DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE QUEEN ELIZABETH HOSPITAL Bridgetown Barbados! Unless you want to be butchered and mistreated! Word is they get paid to remove limbs🤔 And don’t ever think you don’t need to purchase travel insurance because you have no idea the effects it could have on your health and delayed treatment overseas everything is all about money! I sincerely apologise to everyone I haven’t responded to or touched base with from since I landed in Barbados but I have been here silently loosing my mind!" Source: https://www.facebook.com/danielle.philpotts/posts/2386896291552375

PART TWO "So yesterday morning as planned Tia had an appointment at John Radcliffe to see a specialist hand surgeon! Tia’s appointment was booked for 12pm yesterday and can you believe by 2pm she has had 5 different doctors come to see her already! It has been confirmed that Tia’s finger is infected and has started to show a build up of puss surrounding the not so disposable stitches (still imbedded in her skin). The doctor came and physically squeezed the end of her finger 🤢🤢 Tia was put on a drip of strong antibiotics starting when we arrived, she has been tested and will have to be again as she had surgery abroad (so the NHS have a safe guard procedure in place to ensure the safety of others in the tragic event Tia is found to be a carrier of any sort) Tia has been quarantined in her very own side room and has a toilet labelled outside her room only for her use! At present we are still waiting for those results but in the meantime the antibiotics are in place to reduce all risks!

Once the results are back Tia has already been prepared for surgery, so hopefully this Morning/ afternoon she will be taken down for her 2nd operation! We are waiting to see the doctor now! Tia was allowed to eat and drink up until 2am in the morning & she had a 24hour catering service that will bring her anything off the menu (we both laughed at that, they don’t know how much Tia likes her food) 😩🙌🏽😜😂

Last night was out 1st night at the luxury (compared to Queen Elizabeth hospital in Barbados) John Radcliffe hospital! I’ve been shown around the ward, offered drinks/ food, blankets! Shown where the shower and extra large bath tub is, every member of staff has so far been amazingly helpful and friendly! Tia has even been sat at her bed painting and making bead bracelets playing in their iPad 😍😍

I have to say that I am overly thankful for the NHS service and how quickly/ well they have treated my princess so far! This afternoon Tia will be taken down for surgery! It has been confirmed the finger tip is infected and at present they are unsure if the infection has got into the bone! Today’s operation is to remove all infection & take swaps of the infection, this means Tia’s finger will be reopened up to access damaged/ infected area, there’s a possibility that they may have to remove more of Tia’s pinky finger bone due to possible infection!

On the other hand I am fuming 😤😤😤that it has had to get this far & my daughter is still smiling but in pain, after having one operation in Barbados costing $2900 bajan dollars not including the $85 bajan dollars payable for every appointment she had for redressing and check ups (a total of 5) plus the expenses for her to be seen by the private medical centre sandy crest in Barbados (for a 2nd opinion) not including the costs of taxis/ petrol to and from all her appointments!

Despite all of this my daughter still has had to return to the UK with an infected finger and will have no choice but to have at least 1 more operation dependant on the our come of today! I want every penny refunded, I want my daughter to be compensated for the negligence and lack of care from the moment we got to A&E at Queen Elizabeth hospital in Barbados! When they threw away her finger tip in A&E with no attempt to preserve it at all 🤬🤬🤬😤 My daughters 1st ever holiday abroad to see family and we spent most of the 2 weeks in Queen Elizabeth hospital, my boys and the rest of the family were all affected from the start of our holiday. We had planned and started paying our holiday at the beginning of the year, we all struggled each month and we have all been so so excited to of finally been in a position to actually go BARBADOS as a family, it wasn’t easy at all! I had so much planned!

Now after sitting watching my baby girl sleep in hospital waiting for her 2nd opp I breaking down! If I ever see any of the doctors, nurses or the security guard who threw my daughters finger tip to the pavement they are going to wish they were UK citizens & had access to the NHS 🤬🤬🤬 I don’t know how or who I need to talk to but I need to take legall action against them all for the negligence and trauma my daughter and everyone around her has been put through! I also want to take legal action against the landlord of the property in which we stayed of where the bedroom door claimed my daughters finger tip!

The property was rented through a company called HomeAway.com the site itself had no flaws but the property in which we paid to rent out was listed as A CHILD FRIENDLY PROPERTY I beg to differ! Not only is each and every door in the property dangerous (it’s located near the sea front so there is plenty of wind causing doors to shut heavily behind you with windows open) The beautiful pool and jacuzzi are surrounded by very large and dangerously sharp cactus 🌵 plants in pots, 3 of the children including myself have been left with scars after drawing blood from just brushing past them (due to where they were positioned) Then the property walls have been decorated with a rough finish, they feel like rough sand paper!

Tia herself also had her elbow grazed from walking past the wall of which I’d only just healing! Following the accident at our villa Little bay house, i asked the landlord for an incident report of some kind, as the house keeper witnessed the event herself as she was still in the middle of talking me through the property details!

Neither the landlord or house keeper have never heard anything of the sort so I doubt I will have anything forwarded to me as requested! I am praying that this operation is the final one Tia will need to start a speedy recovery! I have already spoke with someone to provide her with Councilling of some sort and I know I need to see someone myself also before I do something silly! Lord please help me keep my shit together and watch over my baby girl today when I can’t be by her side and ensure that she is safe, free from infection and has a speedy recovery while keeping her high, fighting, never willing to give up and bubbly spirit! She’s due down for her operation by 2pm this afternoon 🙏🏽💖💫🙏🏽"

SOURCE: https://www.facebook.com/danielle.philpotts/posts/2393163020925702

[cinnappo]

Okay folks, let me tell you a thing about the state of healthcare in the US.

Might be a bit TMI but buckle up, kiddos. 

So I’m scheduled to have my tubes tied next month, in a technically invasive but otherwise minor outpatient surgery. I’ve tried just about every iteration of the pill, i’ve tried the implant, and I’m staying far the hell away from IUDs and Essure. Too many horror stories. None of them worked for me -- the side effects  far outweighed the benefits of being on birth control. For this reason, among others, I came to this decision.

Now, I’m “lucky” enough to have healthcare through my employer, even though I only work part time. I say this in quotes, because my coverage is so limited that I might as well not be covered at all. At this point I’m paying ~110 bucks a month so that I don’t get fined at the end of the year for not having coverage (we’ll come back to this point later). 

All that being said, I managed to have the state help me finance the procedure, because I make so little money in a year. I called my insurance first,  who flat out told me that it wouldn’t be covered because 1) I’m not old enough, and 2) I haven’t had “enough” children (the minimum for this particular insurance is 2 kids). Even if it were life-threatening or medically necessary, because I opted out of the emergency treatment clause of the policy (which would have run me an extra 100 bucks a month for an additional 500 dollars of coverage PER CALANDER YEAR), it wouldn’t be covered. 

Guess who helped me apply for state assistance? Planned Parenthood. Guess who helped me fight the billing department at the hospital that is going to be doing the procedure, who called me to tell me I wasn’t going to be covered and therefore wanted to cancel my appointment before I even saw the surgeon for a consult? Planned Parenthood. Guess who called the women’s health clinic to ensure that I would meet with a surgeon who would in fact perform the surgery, and wouldn’t turn me away as so many other doctors had? Planned Parenthood.

Healthcare in this country is broken. Getting this surgery done means a lot to me, and getting it done sooner rather than later is absolutely critical before Trump and the Republicans in his administration break it even more. Obamacare could have been what other countries with socialized healthcare have, were it not for Republicans blocking Obama at every turn. As a matter of fact, the financial advisor at the hospital that I was fighting with (he has now mostly kind of come on to my side, since I was approved for the state funding and it has updated in his computer) told me that he hasn’t seen anyone with as limited coverage as I have since Obamacare became a thing, and that he was under the impression such coverage was now illegal. 

This is what the country voted for. This is what Republicans, and Trump, and his supporters, want to go back to. And to top it all off, they’re trying to defund one of the very few avenues that poor people like me have at having access to any type of affordable health care at all.

Planned Parenthood is about so much more than abortions. Obamacare is about so much more than penalties and hiked up insurance premiums. It’s about providing reasonable healthcare coverage to ALL in this country. And yet the government is steadfastly determined to dismantle both of them, all under the guise of “making America great again.” In actuality, it’s an attack on the poorest and most vulnerable people in our nation.

So what can we do to fix our broken system? Well, for one thing, VOTE. People tend to forget about the midterm elections, but the 2018 elections will be SO crucial, as many House Representatives and Senators will be up for reelection. Educate yourself on the issues, educate your friends, and get out and vote. So many problems are caused because the youth don’t get out and vote. Don’t let the elderly generation, with their outdated ideals, define who we are, and how we live. 

Donate, if you can. Planned Parenthood has been under attack for a while, which is not news at all, and is getting systematically defunded at the federal level. PP is shutting down clinics because they can’t fund them, which cuts off access for many who can’t travel far to reach the few clinics left in their state. Donating to the cause helps keep the doors open for those who need it most.

Call your Reps and Senators. Remind them that THEY work for YOU, their constituents, and that they must represent YOU and not their own best interests. This is a great resource to help you find who your Congressmen or Congresswomen are.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. And honestly, I do consider myself one of the lucky ones. Many of you might be thinking, “well, why is she complaining about a surgery she doesn’t have to get?” To which I say, does it matter? Would your opinion change if it was medically necessary for me to have my tubes tied? Because the situation is the same for everyone who is suffering under this broken system. It doesn’t care what’s medically necessary and what isn’t. It only cares that you pay up. 

Healthcare should not be a partisan issue. That it is, is despicable.

[whatiwassuggesting-blog]

A friend of mine - Appointment at Baker Street

Title: A friend of mine Author: Chris (WhatIWasSuggesting) Fandom: BBC Sherlock Genre: Mystery/Horror Rating: Teen (Fiction T) Chapter: 1 of 4 (updated weekly) Word count: 2074 Warnings: Major Character Death, mild language conform show standard. Be advised, I didn’t put the horror part in for nothing.

Disclaimer: BBC Sherlock is not mine. There would be far more episodes if it was. I just borrow the characters and let them die. Because that’s what people DO.   

Summary:  When Sherlock disappears John is thrown into a frenzy - will Lestrade be able to find him, or will more sinister characters win the day?

Author notes: It’s my first time writing horror. It’s usually not really my area, but this nasty idea popped in my head and it can’t hurt to try. Well, can't hurt me. The characters? That is a whole different story. Be advised, I didn't add the horror tag for nothing. There is no graphic description of violence but the idea is disturbing.

This work contains four chapters and will be updated weekly.

A special thanks to my two wonderful betas: Alex (@evr0s), Peggy (@peggymarsh) and Tami (@ti-ori-se). You guys are awesome and I wouldn't be able to produce this level of quality without your critical eye.

Read this at AO3 or FanFiction.net.

Chapter one - Appointment at Baker Street

Slow days weren’t uncommon. As a matter of fact, even the most exciting days at the surgery were slow compared to the time John spent with Sherlock Holmes following up on leads and chasing down criminals. Sometimes, quite literally.

His eyes drifted towards the clock. Only 10 minutes had passed since he had last looked. That couldn’t be right.

His phone vibrated and John picked it up. With some luck it would be Sherlock, providing him with an excuse to leave early. God, he wanted to leave early. He was disappointed by a text from Mary instead, reminding him to buy milk. Annoyed, he lowered the phone and eyed the clock again. Why couldn’t she get the bloody milk herself?

Another vibration alerted him of a new message. Now what? He glanced at the screen to see what else his lying wife needed him for now, but it was Sherlock’s name gracing the top of the list.

Meet me at Baker street in an hour -S

A smile spread over John’s face. That was more like it.

I’ll be right there.

He waited patiently as Sherlock was typing a message.

Use your key, I need to see Mary first.

John frowned. What did he need Mary for?

Get some milk while you’re at it.

It didn’t take long for Sherlock to reply.

No time, see you in an hour.

John leaned back in his chair. Oh well, it was worth a try. He looked around his office. The surgery would be fine without him, he was about done for the day anyway. Besides, it was rush hour, and the trip to Baker Street could take longer. The one good thing about having a pregnant wife was that nobody questioned him if he left a little early. It was a feature of marriage he had come to appreciate.  

John smiled as he got to his feet. Finally, something to look forward to. He closed his laptop and gathered his things. It was a little past four when he said goodbye to his temporary assistant and left the surgery.

***

221B Baker Street still felt like home, more so than the little flat he shared with Mary. That was only his official address, the one he filled out on forms and where he received his Christmas cards. It was as fake as his marriage.

He closed the door behind him. He was early. It wasn’t entirely unexpected, taking a full hour to get to Baker Street was a bit much, even during rush hour. He figured he would just work on his blog as he waited. It was lagging behind since Sherlock had returned from his extremely short lived exile. Sherlock was burning through cases at an impressive rate now that he had been cleared of all charges concerning Magnussen, or more accurately, since Mycroft had made it all go away. Like a proper big brother, as Sherlock put it.

It felt like he had just sat down when he became aware of the muffled sound of the doorbell coming from the fridge. John quickly got up, but before he could even get out of the living room he heard the familiar footsteps of Mrs. Hudson rushing to the door to answer. A moment later he heard heavy footsteps on the stairs.

Greg appeared in the doorway. “John, I should have known you’d be here.”

“I could say the same. Sherlock called you?” John moved towards the kitchen. Greg followed him with his hands in the pockets of his coat.

“Texted.” The DI’s eyes scanned the equipment scattered over the kitchen table. “He’s not here yet?”

“Right, texted.” John filled the kettle and turned it on. “He went to see Mary earlier, he’ll be here any minute now. He asked to meet me here at 5.”

“Good, I’m not the only one running late then.”

John glanced at his watch. 5:30. That was odd. Sherlock was a lot of things, but late was rarely one of them. The kettle boiled and clicked, interrupting John’s train of thoughts.

“Tea?”

“No thanks, I’ll be off as soon as possible. I have a thing.”

John poured himself a cup of tea, went back to the living room and sunk in his chair. Greg followed suit and pulled up a chair for himself. The two of them hadn’t had a proper chat in quite a while, but they carried on as if it was just yesterday. Time passed. 30 minutes soon turned into 45 minutes, and then into an hour. They tried texting Sherlock, but there was no response.

Just as he was about to text Sherlock once again, his phone rang. A strange mixture of disappointment and annoyance washed over him as Mary’s name appeared on the screen.

“Sorry, I’ve got to take this. It’s Mary.” He apologized to Greg. The DI made an understanding gesture. John answered the phone as he stood up and moved to the kitchen. “Mary.”

“Hello John. I was wondering when you’re coming home and if you have time to pick up some milk.”

“I’m not sure. I left the surgery early to meet Sherlock at Baker Street and I might be home late.”

“Well, tell Sherlock not to keep you too long. I really need you to run by the store to get milk.”

John frowned. “He’s not with you?”

“No, why would he be?”

It made sense. If Sherlock was still with Mary he would have replied to his messages. He usually did. John bit his lip. “You haven’t seen him at all today?”

“No. Why?”

“Nothing. I need to go.” Before Mary could protest, he ended the call. His fingers flew over the display to find Sherlock’s number. His heart pounded in his chest as he listened to the dial tone. “Come on, pick up. Pick up. Pick up!” John muttered to himself as he made his way back to the living room.

Greg got to his feet. “What?”

Voicemail. John lowered the phone, looking down at it in horror. “He’s not answering.”

“Who? Sherlock?” Greg gave him an uncomprehending look. “Well, that’s not unusual, is it?”

John hit the call button again and held the phone to his ear. “He didn’t make it to Mary’s, either. She said she didn’t see him all day.” His gaze met Greg’s. He could tell the DI wasn’t as troubled by the news as he was.

He was redirected to voicemail again. Frustrated, he ended the call.

“Maybe he’s just busy…”

“No. If he were busy he would have ignored the call. He hasn’t replied to his texts either. There is nothing that keeps Sherlock Holmes occupied for…” He glanced at his watch. “… almost an hour. Something is wrong.”

Greg shuffled his feet. “Now, let’s not jump to conclusions. You know what he’s like, he just got distracted by…”

“By what? A murder?”

“Something like that, yeah.” There was an uncomfortable silence. “Look, John. I need to get going. Let me know when he turns up, okay?”

John glimpsed at the phone in his hand. There was definitely something wrong.

“John?” Greg was already in the doorway. “Let me know.”

“Yes, yes. Of course.”

The smile Greg gave him was a mixture of worry and pity, and did nothing to soothe John’s anxiety.

“I’ll let myself out.”

John nodded and looked at his phone, his thumb lingering over the call button. Maybe the third time would be the charm. Please, God, let him answer.

“You’ve reached Sherlock Holmes. Leave a message, don’t be boring.”

John waited for the beep.

“Sherlock, you better have a bloody good reason for ignoring me. Call me when you get this.” He hung up and typed another message. Just a voicemail wasn’t enough to express his frustration at this point.

Pick up your bloody phone!

He slid back into his chair. There wasn’t a lot he could do, except wait.

During the night he tried calling Sherlock over and over again. The voicemails he had left and the text messages he had typed took every tone from threatening bodily harm to pleading for Sherlock to reply.

Eventually he had fallen asleep in his chair.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he woke up to the sound of Mary walking past him. When he cracked open his eyes, he saw her standing by the mantelpiece, picking up the skull. He closed his eyes and groaned. He could hear Mary shift around. He straightened his back and neck. His body was sore all over from sleeping in an awkward position, and protested against the movement. He was too old for this.

“Oh, John. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Mary.” John groaned as he opened his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, my husband didn’t come home last night, so I went to check on him.” She threw him an amused look. “Is that a real skull?” she nudged her head towards the skull on the mantelpiece.

“Christ knows.” He pushed himself out of his chair and stretched his arms. “Did Sherlock get home?”

He reached for his phone and checked his messages. Sherlock still hadn’t replied. His heart sank.

“Maybe he’s in his room.”

John turned around and marched through the kitchen to Sherlock’s bedroom. He placed a hand on the doorknob and knocked with his other hand.

“Sherlock?”

He waited. There was no reply.

“Sherlock? Are you in there?”

There was still no reply.

“I’m coming in.” John announced before he opened the door.

He stepped into the room. The curtains were drawn, and John needed a moment to adjust to the dark. It was messy, like the rest of the flat, with random objects and half-finished experiments lying around. John’s eyes rested on the bed. It was unmade and unmistakably empty. Sherlock wasn’t here.

John just stood there, taking it all in. He had half expected to find his friend passed out on the bed, in a coma like sleep after staying out all night, blissfully unaware of what he had put his best friend through. John’s shoulders dropped and he let out a sigh.

“Not there, is he?” Marry called from the living room.

John pressed his lips together. His phone vibrated in his pocket. He quickly got it out, hoping it was Sherlock, finally answering his calls. Disappointment washed over him when he was greeted by the caller ID. It was Lestrade. Maybe he had news.

“Hello.”

“Hey John, it’s Greg. Did Sherlock show up yet?”

“No, no. He didn’t.” John rubbed his face. “I take it he didn’t answer your messages, either?”

“Not a single one.”

“That’s it. Are you at Scotland Yard?”

John closed the bedroom door behind him as he walked back to the living room. Mary was sitting in Sherlock’s chair.

“Yeah, I’m at the Yard.”

“I’m coming in to file a missing person’s report.”

Mary tilted her head. John turned away, unwilling to deal with her while he was on the phone.

“I’ll see you in a bit then. Bye.”

“Yeah, Bye.” John lowered his phone.

“I’m going with you.” She said before he could say anything.

“Mary…”

“Yoo-hoo!” Mrs. Hudson entered the kitchen, holding a large pan with both hands. She set it down on the stove and rested her arms on the counter. “Oh dear, that was heavier than I thought.” She chuckled.

“Mrs. Hudson.”

“Is Sherlock back yet? I didn’t hear him come in.” She moved closer, when she entered the living room she saw Mary. “Oh, hello, Mary.”

“When was it you saw him last?”

Mrs. Hudson looked at John. “Oh, it was yesterday around four. He was rather in a hurry, barely said a word when he left. I thought he wouldn’t be out long.”

“I was supposed to meet him at five. He didn’t show up.”

“Oh dear, you think something has happened to him?” She folded her arms. Her eyes went from John to Mary and back.

John picked his coat up and put it on. “I don’t know, but I’m going to see Lestrade. File a missing person’s report.”

Mary shifted in Sherlock’s chair and struggled to her feet. “I’m coming with you.”

“Are you sure…”

“Yes, I’m sure. Sherlock is also my friend. I want to help.” She walked past John towards the door. John’s gaze followed her as she went. She paused in the doorway. Her hands rested on her pregnant belly. “Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s find Sherlock.”

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[myaekingheart]

I've been slacking on documenting these but I figure now is as good a time as any so here goes.

I don't remember what night this was from, I think this was about a week or so ago, but I dreamed that my boyfriend and I were horseback riding through the woods, probably the imaginary forest I envisioned as the woods in Galma while writing my Narnia fanfic. I was on this horse that looked like Spirit but it was a female and she was named Appaloosa. I feel like there was perhaps some sort of tragedy or battle that ensued, something like that, because I remember extending my arm out to my horse and screaming her name as if we were being separated but that part's hazy and it's been a while so I don't totally remember.

The rest of these dreams are from this past week.

I think this one was from Tuesday or Wednesday night. It wasn't anything too special except that I was in my apartment and somehow a mouse had gotten in and was running around on the floor and I remember panicking and screaming, having no idea what the fuck to do, climbing on furniture like a scared little bitch. I was basically being incredibly pathetic and cliche about it but then again at the same time, I unfortunately can't think of anything else I'd do in such a situation.

This was Thursday night, I think. I remember walking up this dark, cement stairwell with a group of some other people, I don't exactly remember who. There was a door immediately at the top of the stairs and when we entered through it, we were in this very small and tall room the likes of which reminded me of an indoor tennis court, but only in construction. The design/decor itself was very, very different. The walls were a vivid blue with fake clouds projected onto them, and immediately upon entering we were met with a very narrow strip of fake shore made of very yellow sand (the same shade as cornmeal) backed up by an indoor tidal pool. The water of the tidal pool was roughly the same color as the walls, maybe a little lighter, and was completely opaque so that when you stepped in, you couldn't see a single thing under the surface with you. I remember wading into the water alongside the cast of what I presume was some cheap Beethoven knockoff, and as I stood there in the tidal pool staring up at the weird sky-projected walls and fake beach, there was a Golden Retriever swimming beside me. This was honestly perhaps the most comforting thing about this dream, the dog was, and I think that was the whole reason why I thought the other people were the cast of some bizarre Beethoven knockoff-- I remember hearing a man who looked like the father in the movie (and by extension, one of my uncles) utter that line from the movie "We're not really dog people." I don't know, it was really bizarre and made no sense but it didn't stop there. I was floating nearer and further to the shore at the mercy of the currents when I discovered sitting near the water in a fold-out beach chair was none other than Christopher Lloyd. He was watching us swim and such and it was during this time that I realized that as I floated, I had zero control over when and where I went and in my right hand I was holding my beloved childhood doll. I called her Baby Doll and she was a plush toy with a plastic head and painted on features-- to anyone else, she would probably be considered creepy, especially with how tattered she is after so many years of wear and tear. I still hold her very close to my heart, though, which made it all the worse when I floated back toward the shore only for Christopher Lloyd to reach out, snatch the doll from me, and twist her little head as if he planned to twist it off her body. I fought the current and scrambled my way up to him, furious, and started cursing him out I think, and said something along the lines of "Go get the Delorean so I can go back in time and stop you from doing that!" The more I think about it now, the more I realize I should've, if I didn't, say something about shoving my foot up his ass at 88mph. Not that I personally have anything against Christopher Lloyd, of course, I think he's great and I'd love to meet him someday, just the dream version of him was being a total dick and I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. Later on in the dream, there was something about Pop figures-- I was sitting in a living room, though I can't remember if it was my own or that of my house up north or that of my grandparent's old house but I was sitting on the floor going through stacks of boxes of Pop figures and I remember opening one that was the Delorean-- just the Delorean, nothing else, but it was very cartoon-y like it came out of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? or something. I already have a Pop figure Delorean that came with my Marty McFly and apparently this was just the same in the dream because I remember thinking to myself that this one I had just unboxed was absolute crap in quality compared to the other one, and then I think I said this out loud perhaps in the direction of Christopher Lloyd like maybe it was from him? I can't remember. I just know I held a lot of contempt for him in my dream and was very salty about practically everything that had happened.

It was last night's dream that had the greatest effect on me, though. It was perhaps the most vivid and unnerving out of all of them and it has had me dazed and uncomfortable for the entire day. The beginning is hazy, but I remember slowly waking up in my own bed and I think I found out through a bunch of panicked and heartbroken facebook posts that one of my cousins had died. One cousin in particular, who just recently had, like, his millionth surgery. Okay, so it wasn't nearly that much but he's had a lot of surgeries for a persistent health issue in the past few years. But anyways, I stirred awake to find a bunch of facebook posts that he had died, they were all incredibly emotional and I swear I must've had a panic attack in my dream, I could feel my heart race in my chest and my stomach churn, I couldn't believe something like that was happening. Nothing felt real and yet everything felt a little too real. I remember being on the phone with my mom, who was totally hysterical just freaking the fuck out. I think one of the worst things about this dream, though, was after I got ready in a complete haze, I remember being in a dimly lit room, very tunnel-visioned but I could tell there were medium-tone wood accents everywhere and I knew we were in a church. I was standing before an open coffin lit by candles on tall, black, spindly candleholders and in that coffin was the lifeless body of my cousin, eyes closed and hands folded on his chest like all stereotypical dead people lay. I remember feeling panicked and terrified, something was rising in my throat at the sight of it. It was the same sort of horror I felt when my grandpa died and I was there in the same room as his dead body for four hours straight, except this had a different tone of eerieness to it because unlike my grandpa who was realistically dead with eyes wide open and a mouth that refused to shut, this was polished death. This was a young man lying in a suit in a coffin looking peaceful but cold and lifeless. I hesitated before reaching in and taking his cold, dead hand and everything went dizzy. I've never touched a dead body before-- I've always been far too scared to-- so I don't know why I felt tempted to take his hand in mine for a split second but it was too much to handle. Everything was too much to handle. It was just all so bizarre and discomforting, and so insanely realistic. I remember I kept waking up to check the clock, fearing I was going to miss my alarm and oversleep, and every time I woke up, I kept reminding myself "Oh shit, right, my cousin's dead" as if reality and subconsicousness were overlapping. The minute I woke up for real, I was so freaked out about it that I scoured facebook and instagram and any other social media outlet I have family on for proof that what I dreamed was a complete lie, that my cousin wasn't really dead. I'm not even very close to him, we don't speak much but we have some similar interests and I remember playing with him at my aunt and uncle's house frequently as a little kid. Regardless of how infrequently we may speak now, though, I know that if he ever was to die, I would be heartbroken and certainly upset about it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that nightmare all day, though. It's been haunting me, I've been in such a creeped out daze. It also didn't help that Cellar Door by Escape the Fate kept playing on my playlist today, which is already one of those songs that makes me feel very intense things when I hear it, especially the repeated line "It's so wrong." Yeah, didn't help my case here at all. I don't know, it was just all really intense and I wish it had never happened in the first place because it was quite frankly probably one of the worst dreams-- no, nightmares-- I've ever had in my entire life.

[sarahburness]

5 Things to Stop Doing When You’re Struggling and Feeling Drained

Recently I’ve been spread incredibly thin and, at times, I’ve felt stressed to the max.

In addition to being at the tail end of a high-risk pregnancy, with complications, I’ve been working toward various new projects—not just for fulfillment but also because I’ve allowed the business side of running this site to slide for years. And I have a baby coming soon. It’s crucial that I revive what I’ve allowed to deflate because I’ll have a whole new life to provide for.

There’s a lot I need to do over the next six weeks, before my scheduled C-section, and a lot I’ve failed to do over the previous weeks, largely because I’ve had many days when I’ve felt physically and emotionally incapable of rising to the challenge.

To be fair, there’s also been a lot to enjoy and appreciate, and I know I am incredibly fortunate to be pregnant at all, and to have the opportunity to do so much professionally. But life has felt somewhat pressure-filled as of late, and along with many small wins have come many hours and days when I’ve felt drained and defeated.

I recently realized that my best days all have certain things in common—little things I choose to do for my well-being, and a number of unhelpful habits I resist the urge to indulge. If you’re also struggling, personally or professionally, and feeling drained, perhaps my lessons will be helpful to you too.

5 Things to Stop Doing When You’re Struggling and Feeling Drained

1. Stop comparing your struggle to anyone else’s.

Over a year ago an old friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s the same age as I am, and she’s someone I’ve long admired, even though we’ve fallen out of touch beyond occasional interactions on social media.

She’s left unfulfilling jobs, despite the financial risk involved; walked away from relationships that weren’t right for her, even while engaged, when it would have been easier to stay; and jumped out of more than 100 planes, each leap representative of the courage that guides her every inspiring, bold life choice.

She’s faced cancer with the type of bravery I’ve come to expect from her, coupled with an honesty and vulnerability about her fears that, to me, displays even more strength. But still, I know it’s been grueling.

As I sit here in my own very fortunate circumstances—at the same as age as her—I often tell myself I have no reason to be struggling. My current experience couldn’t even be termed a struggle compared to what she’s been through. I should just suck it up when I’m having a hard day and push myself through any tiredness or discomfort. Because I’m lucky.

But the reality is, I still have hard days. I am still going through a high-risk pregnancy, juggling a lot, and dealing with a host of fears and physical symptoms that require my compassion.

I wouldn’t compare my hard days to her devastating year—there’s clearly no comparison—but the point is, I don’t have to.

I’m allowed to experience the feelings and struggles associated with my current life circumstances even if someone else’s are far more tragic. And so are you.

Many may have it “worse,” but why compare and judge? If it helps alleviate self-pity so you can find the perspective and strength you need to keep going, then by all means make comparisons. But if it only serves to minimize your feelings and needs, try to remember that two people can have completely different situations, and both can need and deserve compassion equally.

2. Stop focusing on things that aren’t priorities.

When we’re going through a tough time, we need to get extra-discriminating about what truly matters and what doesn’t. If we exhaust ourselves with the non-essential, we’ll have little energy for the things that can actually move the dial in the areas of our life that most need our attention.

I remember when I had surgery to remove uterine fibroids seven years back. I knew I needed to take it easy or else I’d prolong my healing, but I also felt the overwhelming urge to maintain order in my environment. I’m a control freak. It’s what I do.

I remember there was a pair of shoes next to the door, where shoes didn’t usually go, and not only that; they were askew. The horror!

I was one day out of surgery, my lower stomach stitched together after being sliced across the middle, yet I still felt the need to slowly lower myself so I could put those shoes in the closet—even though it was painful to do so. My mother, who was visiting to help me, pointed out the insanity, and I knew she was right.

I now think of those shoes whenever I am struggling physically or emotionally, and I ask myself, what else really doesn’t need to be immediately done, or do I not actually have to do myself?

Can the dishes wait till the morning? Or can I get someone else to do them? Does every email in my inbox need a response—and immediately? Can I say no to some requests? Can I simplify my daily routine? What do I really need to do for myself—physically, emotionally, and professionally? And what do I just want to do because I think I should, to feel ahead of the curve, or on top of things, or good about how much I’m checking off my to-do list?

Scaling back can feel like failure, especially if you’re Type A, like me, but sometimes we have to prioritize so we can use the limited energy we have wisely. If we don’t, we risk busting open our “stitches,” whether that means physical burnout or an emotional breakdown, and then we set ourselves back even further.

3. Stop expecting yourself to do what you could do before.

 Maybe you were far more physically active or productive before (I know I was). Or you were the person anyone could call any time, any day, whenever they needed an ear or a hand. Or you were everyone’s go-to person for a night out when they needed to blow off some steam.

It’s easy to cling to our sense of identity when we feel it slipping away. Not only do we mourn who used to be, fearing this change may be permanent, we worry other people may not like this new version of ourselves—this person who’s far less fun or far more needy.

But the thing is, we’re not who we were before. We’re in a new chapter, facing new circumstances and challenges, and our evolving needs won’t go away just because we ignore or neglect them.

I’m not going to sugar coat this: It just plain sucks when you can’t do the things you once enjoyed. My boyfriend has had multiple knee surgeries and ongoing knee problems, and my heart breaks for him knowing he may never be able to do certain things he loves again, like playing basketball.

But he’s accepted his limitations and found new things to do that check off some of the same boxes. He works out on an elliptical to stay in shape and rehab his knee. He throws himself into fantasy football to scratch his competitive itch. And he sweats it out in the sauna to help blow off some steam.

As for me, I’m not going to yoga classes at the moment because I don’t have the time or energy, and I’m also not getting as much done as I once did on a daily basis. But I count my lucky stars that I’ll someday be able to do these things again, even if not for a while after the baby comes.

It’s natural to grieve losses, temporary or permanent, big or small, but eventually we need to accept reality and then ask ourselves, “How can I work with the way things are instead of resisting them?” Otherwise, we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary stress—and it doesn’t help or change anything.

4. Stop pushing yourself when you need to take it easy.

 We all do it, or at least I suspect we do: We minimize our physical and emotional needs because we judge ourselves for having them. We think we should be able to do more. Maybe because other people in similar situations are doing more. Or because we just plain expect a lot from ourselves.

But the thing is, telling yourself you shouldn’t be exhausted doesn’t make you better able to function through your tiredness. Demeaning yourself for needing a break doesn’t make you any more productive or effective. And belittling yourself for feeling whatever you feel doesn’t immediately transform your emotions.

If you’re tired, you need rest. If you’re drained, you need a break. If you’re hurting, you need your own compassion. And nothing will change for the better until you give yourself what you need.

I get that we can’t always instantly drop everything to take good care of ourselves, especially when other people are depending on us. But we can usually create small pockets of time for self-care by alleviating our self-imposed pressure and prioritizing our needs.

Recently I’ve been embracing the idea of mini-self-care practices. It’s not easy for me, because I have a tendency to be very all-or-nothing. But sometimes, small things can make a big difference.

I might not have time for an hour nap, but I can rest my eyes for fifteen minutes. I might not be able to clock in 10,000 steps, but I can take a walk around the block. I may not have the time to journal about my feelings for an hour, but I can jot down three worries and three potential solutions to help calm my mind.

And sometimes, I just need to find a way to do more for my own well-being, whether that means cancelling a commitment or asking someone for help.

It’s tempting to push ourselves, especially if this has been our pattern. But some days aren’t for moving forward. They’re just for honoring where we are.

5. Stop reminding yourself of how you’re “falling behind.”

I think it all boils down to this. When we minimize our struggle, try to do too much, and push ourselves despite our desperate need for self-care, it’s generally because we’re afraid we’re somehow falling behind.

We think about everything we want to accomplish, everything we believe we need to do in order to become who we think we should be, and we panic at the thought of losing momentum.

Most of us are accustomed to living life like a race to some point in the future when we imagine we’ll be good enough—and our lives will be good enough. Any threat to our sense of progress can feel like a threat to our self-esteem and hope.

We also live in this constant bubble of comparison, as if we need to keep up with everyone else in order to make the most of our lives.

But none of this is true. While we may want growth and change, we don’t need it in order to be worthy or happy, and certainly not on a pre-determined timeline. We also don’t need to keep up with anyone else because we’re never behind; we’re simply on our own path.

What’s more, wherever we are right now, this is a valid piece of our life experience, and perhaps even a valuable part. We don’t need to rush through it to catch up to everyone else or to where we thought we’d be.

Most people would agree that some of their most immense growth came from their greatest challenges, and in some cases, even their sense of purpose.

I would never have guessed, during the ten-plus years I struggled with depression and bulimia, that that period of my life would be the catalyst for this site.

I could never have imagined how profoundly my pain would shape the trajectory of my life, and how this chapter would lead to new chapters that were equally as exciting and fulfilling.

Wherever you are right now, be there fully. Accept it. Open up to it. It’s only when we accept the lows that we’re able to grow through them and rise to the highs.

—

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was tired. I hurt. I did little, got down on myself, and cried. But today was better. Today I was kind to myself, I did what I could, and I gave myself what I needed.

Whatever you’re going through, I wish the same for you: self-compassion to help alleviate your pain, permission to do only what you reasonably can, and space to take good care of yourself.

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. An avid film lover, she recently finished writing her first feature screenplay and is fundraising to get it made now. To get daily wisdom in your inbox, join the Tiny Buddha list here.

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