#<- except not really i read this months ago and only recently found the right reaction image to go with it

[stars-and-branches]

[erodasfishtacos]

You Belong With Me | pilot!h |

Prompt: YN and Harry are enemies until they’re not. YN doesn’t need another relationship but neither does Harry. It doesn’t go smoothly.

Word Count: 19k+

Warnings: discussion of miscarriage

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—-—

It isn’t love.

At least not a first.

YN cannot tell you the moment she fell in love with him.

However, she can tell you the moment that she knew.

-

YN had never had a casual hookup, she’d always been in committed relationships, and had pretty vanilla sex that almost always took place in a bedroom without much excitement.

For a long while, she never thought anything of it and deduced that maybe she just was not one of the people who had a wild adventurous sex life or was bold - it was just fine with her boyfriend in the past, it was never anything to write home about.

She definetly never thought that she would find out that she did in fact have a wild side at work of all places.

YN reveled in not rocking the boat, she’d never do anything unprofessional at work, and she was always one of the best employees - some whispered that she was a kissass or a try hard, YN just wanted to do a good job and hope that most people liked her.

YN had just gotten out of her longest relationship so far - she’d been with Noah since her first year of college and had broken it off after nearly six years of being together just about five months into her new job.

It wasn’t working out any longer, if they were honest, they hadn’t been working out for quite sometime.

YN doesn’t know exactly when she had fallen out of love with Noah but she had.

It was a rocky breakup.

They wanted different things.

YN wants a ring.

Noah didn’t want to get married.

Even though it wasn’t the worst breakup ever, YN really was struggling with all the stress it had put on her because her whole life had changed now that she was a flight attendant.

She had to let Noah keep their two dogs which really felt like she gave away custody because he could be home every night to take care of them while YN was never home for more than a few nights at a time.

Noah had owned the house they lived in which meant YN moved into an apartment that wasn’t that bad but it really wasn’t anything special, it didn’t really matter because she wasn’t home often enough and packed boxes lay untouched for a long time.

YN decided that being single was best right now, it would be near impossible to find a relationship that would work with her hectic hours and she wasn’t going on a dating app to have mediocre sex.

It only takes one person to flip her whole life around.

And that is a fucking understatement.

-

It officially marked her seventh month at the company and her second of being single - both were going somewhat well in her eyes.

Her parents wanted her to find someone, wasting no time in pestering her because they wanted her to have a wedding, to give them grandchildren.

Honestly, YN’s has not been looking.

At first, the breakup with Noah went fine, pleasant even but just a few weeks ago, it had turned completely sour after Noah had told her she wasn’t able to visit their two dogs anymore.

When YN was home, she’d swing by at least once a week to spend some time with her two fur babies whether in his backyard or taking them to the local park for a hike.

However, he’s found a new girlfriend and has stated that it’s no longer a good idea for her to come see the dogs but also said she’s not allowed to take them either which means she has completely lost them.

Noah: It’s nothing personal. I just don’t want my new girlfriend getting the wrong idea, you know? Sorta a buzzkill to have my ex and me sharing dogs like they’re kids or something. I hope you understand, maybe I can send pics

“YN, hello?” Her friend Elaina waves her hand in front of her cellphone screen to break her gaze from Noah’s text message.

“Sorry,” YN mumbles as she locks her phone and puts it on airplane mode.

They were waiting in the employee area for their flight to be ready, a little lounge that was a bit too humid and the coffee was always out.

“I was saying that today is Pilot Styles’ first day with Paradise Airlines after moving from Coastal,” Elaina explains to YN and the few other women that were huddled on the worn couches.

YN’s brow furrows at that, “Am I supposed to know who that is?”

She had heard rumors that a new pilot would be joining their team, be their captain as Paradise Airlines were unlike other companies - they tended to keep crews together on the same flights to build a good coworking relationship.

All the girls look at her like she had a second head, Justine speaking up first, “How do you not know who he is?”

YN doesn’t quite know how to answer that, shrugging her shoulders, “I don’t remember anyone ever saying anything about that captain to me. Why is it a big deal that he is changing to our airline?”

Perry jumps in, excited that she gets to spill some gossip, “Well, we’re surprised you don’t know him because of the amount of shit that the stewardess’ bitch about him. It’s a big deal that he’s coming to our airline because every attendant I know hates him.”

YN wasn’t expecting that for the reason that he was so well known.

“I mean most pilots are a bit grouchy,” YN responds as she sips her coffee that has enough espresso to get her through the next ten hours, “They all seem a little miserable if I’m honest.”

Elaina laughs at that, leaning forward, “He’s not just a bit grouchy. He’s a straight up asshole. He’s probably the most unfriendly, unwelcoming person that I’ve ever met and I’ve heard from others that it’s the same. He treats everybody like they’re less than and is demanding, like everybody needs to bow down for him.”

“You’ve worked with him before?” YN asks Elaina, it sounds like she was speaking from personal experience and there was still annoyance in her tone as she recounts how she knows the captain.

“Unfortunately, I worked at Coastal Airlines for a few years before I moved here. Styles is probably around forty years old so he’s been here quite a while now. I didn’t have many experiences with him but I swear he made at least one attendant cry each flight.”

“Did he make you cry?” YN responds because that seemed to be what Elaina was insinuating as her friend picked at the foam of her cheap coffee cup.

“Once,” Elaina nods with a pursed smile, “I accidentally turned off the seatbelt sign right before major turbulence which was totally on me but Harry lost his shit on me, he wrote me a formal warning, told me that if i can’t do something as simple as button control that I should be working somewhere ‘more my speed’, and when I started crying - he fucking laughed at me for and told me I was being childish.”

“Maybe he was just having a bad day?” YN tries to justify because why would someone be so cruel for no reason, it didn’t make sense unless he was perpetually miserable.

Justine finally jumps into the conversation, “He has a bad day everyday. He usually sits down at the hotel bars for an hour or so after check-in. I’ve watched stewardess’ try to hit on him, get him to take them back to his room because even though he’s a dickhead, he’s fucking hot. A lot of the time, he just turns them down but sometimes he’ll toy with them. He’ll flirt, buy them a drink, and then laugh at them because they thought they had a chance with him.”

It’s official, YN already hates this Captain Styles, he sounds like a chauvinist pig and she hopes that she can just manage to keep a safe distance from him.

YN misses the social cues of the situation, she misses the way the other girls tense up, she misses the warning glances that they’re trying to silently give her, she misses the way their eyes widen at the doorway.

YN’s back was turned toward the door so she couldn’t see who walked in, didn’t even hear anyone, and shakes her head with a soft chuckle, “I don’t care how good looking Captain Styles is, he can fuck off if he thinks he can be an asshole to me. I’m not in the mood.”

And she was expecting some type of response from her fellow coworkers but instead they are absolute dead silence, sitting stock still, and looking down at their laps.

“Is that right?” A deep voice asks from behind her, it nearly sent chills down her spine at the tone, cool and collected but the sharp, authoritative edge was not going unnoticed by her.

YN squeezes her eyes shut for a long moment, already having a sinking feeling that it was none other than the captain, her new boss, behind her and had just heard her brave declaration.

She stands up, straightening out the pleats of her freshly ironed dress, and turns towards him.

YN feels her breathing stutter when she finally comes face to face with the man who no one has had anything good to say about and she feels a weird flip in her stomach.

They said he was hot.

But that really didn’t do any justice to the man standing in front of her.

He was hot, sure but he was devastatingly, intimidatingly handsome.

She’d never been so intimidated by someone based on their appearance alone, he was so beautiful that it was startling as he stared her down with a bored expression.

He was tall, lean but not in a scrawny way, it was obvious that he had lithe muscle on his body that was hidden away under his uniform, and said uniform fit him like an absolute glove.

Captain Styles had cropped brown curls with individual gray hairs scattered within, mostly near his temples which was the one of the only signs of his age, his eyes were a piercing green surrounding by dark lashes, and his lips were puffy, pouty, and currently in a frown.

YN realizes that he’s expecting a response and in that moment, despite his good looks, she decides that she’s not going to let herself be treated like shit because she has had enough of that from other men in her life lately.

She knows it’s only appropriate to apologize but she’s not going to grovel for his forgiveness, he could hate her because she already disliked him, and so she swallows her pride for the moment.

“I apologize, Captain Styles,” YN says clearly, not letting once ounce of anxiety slip into her tone, “That was inappropriate and uncalled for. It won’t happen again. I look forward to working with you.”

He narrows his eyes at her, studying her face and not letting the scowl leave his, its like he’s trying to look at her soul with how intent his stare is, and then he’s replying, “Unfortunately, I cannot say the same. It doesn’t seem like such a pleasure to work with you. However, I am hopeful you’re not as unpersonable with customers as you are with your superiors.”

YN’s has to stop herself from letting her mouth drop open at the harshness of his words, a ball of red hot fury beginning to build in her as she drops the faux smile from her face.

“I don’t think you have much room to talk about being unpersonable, Captain Styles,” YN tells him, making sure the words sound soft and just casual conversation even though it’s anything but - she can feel the eyes of her coworkers bulging at the confrontation.

Harry smiles brightly, his bright white teeth flashing almost dangerously at her words, “Even though it’s adorable, the attitude won’t last long. Not if you want to keep your job.”

YN doesn’t let that worry her, she could always find a job with another airline, there’s always a need and for some reason, she decides that she wants to pick a fight with this man when she’s never done something like this before.

“I’m good at my job and I’m friendly,” YN shrugs like she’s unbothered, she catches Harry’s fist clench tightly at his side in annoyance but it’s the only sign of it in his body, “I think you may be able to take some lessons from me because the latter seems pretty difficult for you, Captain.”

Harry’s eyes are dark, laser focused on her and no one else in the room, and her words don’t change his facial expression, he simply states to the room at large, “Change of plans for the flight to Heathrow,” He takes a minute to look at her name badge, “I would like Perry and YN to switch positions on today’s flight. The plane is boarding in fifteen minutes, please be prepared to board and prepare for takeoff.”

With that, he’s turning on his heel and striding right back out the door.

“Are you fucking crazy?” Elaina hisses as she smacks YN’s arm, “What the hell were you thinking?”

YN doesn’t really know what got into her, that man just brought something out in her that made her want to fight, to be a little be feisty, and get under his skin when no one else could.

“I wasn’t really,” YN admits with a nervous laugh, flopping back down on the sofa, “He’s just so arrogant, cocky. Men like that get on my nerves and I’m not going to let him treat me however he wants.”

“I have to say I’m relieved I’m no longer on cockpit duty but I’m sorry for you, it’s going to be a long flight,” Perry sighs as she sits up to throw her empty drink away.

Fuck.

“Of course,” YN shakes her head in annoyance, “Of course, he’s going to make me wait on him hand and foot now.”

“Depends, sometimes he really keeps to himself. Especially on the long flights but when he’s on a rampage, he’ll make the whole flight awful. Thanks for that,” Justine snorts but doesn’t actually seem that mad, like she knows YN is going to get the brunt of it.

“Lucky me,” YN responds sarcastically, it was about time they headed out to board.

Paradise had the nicest planes in the game, newest and most expensive, an average seat on board cost no less than a thousand dollars, and everyone had pods instead of normal seating.

It was for long flights, international which YN didn’t mind - she liked getting out of the country, sometimes she got to experience the cities for a day or so, not always.

The cockpit attendant was exactly what it sounded like, they were responsible for communicating with the pilots and then passing that message onto either the passengers or other employees.

They would ask the stewardess to check on things, give them drinks or prepare their food, and give them any updates that may be necessary for them to know.

Most flight attendants want the cockpit because it tended to be the easiest spot, didn’t have to deal with the unruly passengers much, didn’t have to be at their beck and call, and most pilots were pretty low maintances and kept communication to a minimum.

However, everyone seemed to want to face the customers for a ten hour flight than even have to talk to their pilot which wasn’t what YN had considered - it just shows how awful he is and she just subjected herself to it.

-

Takeoff is smooth, after a few minutes, Captain Styles’ voice filters through the intercoms where he discusses the flight, the weather, the time, and cursing altitude before wishing them a good trip.

He doesn’t bother YN until three hours in, pressing the button that signals to her that she is needed in the pit which she punches in the code and sticks her head in where Harry and his co-pilot are.

“Yes, Captain Styles?” YN uses her most professional tone because she truly wasn’t trying to get fired.

“Club soda with lemon,” Is all he responds without looking back, no please or courtesy - it was demand because he could.

“Yes sir,” YN has to make sure it doesn’t come out as sharply as she wants it, he’s already creating an itch under her skin, and its making her want to tell him off again.

She takes her time preparing the drink, no rush to be back which she’s hoping annoys him, and when she steps back into the cockpit, attempting to hand him the beverage - he doesn’t reach for it.

“I’ve changed my mind. I’d actually prefer a raspberry la croiax,” He again doesn’t make any effort to look at her and she swears she can see the slightest smirk at the corner of his lips.

“I’ll take the club soda,” The other man shrugs, taking it off of her hands so that it doesn’t go to waste, oblivious to the obvious tension in the small space.

YN knows that he’s doing it just to fuck with her, its unprofessional and immature but that shouldn’t surprise her with how much people have been warning her about him, right?

She again drags her feet and inhales deeply before reentering, hands out with the drink, and this time Harry reaches for it - she tries not to startle when their fingers brush momentarily, one of his rings bumping her.

“Miss. YN, I know I switched you position last moment,” Harry hums like he’s thoughtful, it actually makes her more irritated than when he’s blunt and cold, it like he’s playing a game right now, “But I think cockpit attendant is most likely the easiest job on this plane. If you cannot even get beverages in a timely manner than maybe you need some additional training or an even easier job.”

YN is absolutely staring daggers into the back of his head, she knows that this is usually when the other women cry or back away with their tail between their legs but YN wasn’t going to do either of those things.

She was going to kill him with kindness.

“Abolstuely, Captain Styles. I apologize for any inconvenience, I know you have such a hard job and I’m making it difficult. I’ll try better in then future, thank you for your feedback,” The fake enthusiasm is dripping into her voice and it’s obvious how much acting is put in to her demeanor.

She preens a bit when she realizes that it catches him at least a little of guard, his smirk faltering for a moment before his eyes narrow again and his nostrils are flaring, “Get out my pit.”

And YN has to contain her giggle, overjoyed that she’d managed to irk him, and it seems to do the trick as he doesn’t request anymore beverages for the rest of the flight and doesn’t interact with her nearly at all.

-

YN can at least give it to Captain Styles that it was a smooth flight, as they were landing and finally able to exit the aircraft - all the girls looked at her with wide eyes, most likely expecting it to look like she had cried recently but she hadn’t.

It was a tradition to dine together when they landed in a new country since Paradise made them a team and always paired them together, they were also at the same hotel which worked out for them to hang out.

Elaina, YN, Perry, and Justine were all sat in the hotel restaurant gossiping about different attendants and recounting atrocious customers when out of the corner of her eye, she sees Harry walk into.

He had changed from his uniform into a pair of loose black slacks and fitted black t-shirt as he headed straight toward the bar, he didn’t glance around to see his surroundings and slid onto a stool.

“He has no right to be that attractive when he’s that much of an asshole,” Justine grumbles, crossing her arms dramatically, “Almost every pilot sleeps around. Why is he the only one who doesn’t?”

“You don’t think he’s ever slept with one?” YN asks curiously because she doesn’t put it above Harry to do one night stands and then act like the girl didn’t even exist the next day.

“I think he was married at some point,” Perry shrugs, “And from what I know he didn’t cheat on his wife like most pilot’s do. I don’t know what happened but Brandy said she heard Harry tell one of his copilots that he was single a year back or something. So they must have gotten a divorce.”

That surprised YN, she knew that many people who worked for airlines and travel constantly tended to do quite a bit of sleeping around because they weren’t home often with their significant others.

There was a lot of cheating in this line of work.

So once again, it did throw YN through a loop that he wasn’t known as one of the serial cheaters like most pilots are - that’s not saying he didn’t cheat on his wife, he could have done it much more secretly but it’s hard to keep it that much under wraps.

“I’d divorce him too. I can’t imagine he treated his wife too well,” Justine adds in with a sip of her margarita and a chuckle, “Despite how handsome and charming he can be, he seems like a bit of a loner.”

YN was not going to feel bad for him.

The rest of the dinner goes well, Harry doesn’t turn to look at them once but he has to know they’re there - Perry and Justine got a bit rowdy towards the end of the night and their giggles were echoing through the room.

When they file out, YN glances at Harry which she doesn’t know why, and is startled to see that he’s staring at her through the mirror opposite the bar, only for a moment before he purposefully looks away.

-

“Fucking shit,” YN curses loudly in the empty bathroom, she’d only been back from dinner for not more than fifteen minutes and was about to hop in the shower when dropped her hairdryer right on the top of her foot as she unpacked her toiltery bag.

It was already showing signs of discoloration and there was a nice sized abrasion across the top - it was absolutely throbbing and the shower was forgotten.

She had showered before the flight and wasn’t too dirty which meant she was just going to wait until the morning.

Instead she slips into her pajamas which consisted of a plain black tank top and a pair of cotton shorts that had sushi rolls all over them - a gift from Elaina after a girls night of bad sushi which resulted in food poisoning in Japan.

YN had a bad habit of walking around barefoot, it didn’t matter whether it was her house, the woods, the hotel hallways - she’d grown up in the country and it was just a habit to not wear shoes when she didn’t have too.

She grabs the ice bucket from the countertop to go fill it with ice, she could wrap some up in a towel and ice her foot - hopefully to prevent it from swelling too much.

They had a flight back to the states tomorrow and it was another ten hour trip, they were required to wear a specific kitten-heel shoe and she knew a swollen foot would feel awful in it.

It was nearly eleven at night, she didn’t think there would be many people patrolling the hallway, and wandered out of her room down the corridor - following the signs that guided her to the ic machine.

She passes the elevators and continues down the row of room when she hears it beep and the heavy doors open, she doesn’t bother looking back because she’s sure it’s just someone going to their room.

Of course that’s not the fucking case though.

“It’s pretty disgusting to be walking around barefoot in a hotel,” A voice from behind her states with clear disdain in his low tone, “Then you get into a clean bed with filthy feet?”

YN internally groans because of course it’s him.

“Mind your own business, Captain Styles. We’re off the clock,” YN retorts back with more bite than she’s had all day as she continues to walk albeit at a slower than usual pace.

“Why are you limping? You weren’t limping earlier at the resturaunt,” Harry asks pointedly, his voice hasn’t softened and it’s like he is literally demanding the answers out of her, not asking.

Huh.

He was paying attention to her earlier.

Interesting.

“I dropped my hairdryer on my foot. I’m going to get ice for it,” YN can’t help the low but audible gasp that leaves her mouth when she steps down and a sharp pain shoots up through her already tender foot but then she feels the ice bucket being ripped out of her hand, “Hey! What the hell-“

“Quiet the fuck down, will you?” Harry hissed as he steps in front of her, cutting off her path, there was still quite a long way to go until the ice dispenser and she’d like to get this over with so she can rest her foot, “Go back to your room. I’ll bring the ice to you. What room number are you?”

He doesn’t sound like he’s doing it because he feels bad for her, his tone is making it seem like she’s being annoying and an inconvenience and if he gets her the ice then she won’t be such a bother to him - his facial expression isn’t saying anything different than that either.

“I can get my own ice,” YN tries to reach for the handle but he jerks it away childishly.

“I didn’t ask you whether you could or not. With how long it took you to bring me a fucking drink by the time you hobble back to your hotel room, the sun will be rising. Don’t make me ask again, what room number are you?” Harry grits out because he’s definitely annoyed but YN doesn’t know whether he has another state of being besides that.

“Three twenty seven,” YN mumbles defeatedly, she wasn’t going to stand in the hallway and argue any longer about a stupid bucket of ice, it pains her but she manages to say, “Thank you.”

Harry stares at her for a moment longer, frown etched onto his face, and he looks like he’s about to say something nice but then his eyebrows furrow once again and says, “Be more careful. I don’t want to have to deal with a new stewardess because you can’t walk and put some fucking shoes on.”

Then he’s sauntering off without waiting for her response and she can’t help but just look at his broad back for a moment in disbelief at what an asshole he is but there is at least some type of kindness underneath….maybe she’s imagining things because she’s tired and in pain.

There’s a knock on her door a few minutes later, she thought he’d be back with the ice sooner and she started to believe that he was purposely taking long because of what she did with his drinks on the flight earlier.

So when she swings open the door, she already has a major attitude as she snatches the bucket of ice out of his hand and scowls at him, “I know I took a long time with your drinks earlier but I’m actually in pain, its really rude of you to -“

Harry extends his hand, showing that he has a bottle of aspirin in it, “I went down to the little shop in the lobby and got this for you, didn’t know if you traveled with it but should help the swelling and pain for tomorrow’s flight.”

And YN actually feels bad because that was nice of him to do and so she sheepishly takes it, “I’m sorry I know we got off on the wrong foot. I just thoug-“

“I’m not going to be your fucking friend, save the apology or whatever you’re about to say. I do not care,” Harry shakes his head as his hands go back to his sides, “I’m looking out for my crew, nothing more.”

YN thinks she’s starting to see past his tough guy exterior even if she’s only known him for a few hours at this point.

“You bring every stewardess aspirin?” YN shoots back with a raised eyebrow.

Harry grits his teeth, jaw clenching, “I haven’t met one as clumsy or unbearable as you before.”

“It’s an honor to be the most unbearable one you’ve met in all your years of being a pilot,” YN flutters her eyelashes at him but there’s so much tension between them that she can almost taste it, she’d never felt this with someone before, “I look forward to living up to my title.”

It surprises her when Harry steps forward, their chests nearly touching, and he is looking down at her, “I’m not someone you want to fuck with, do you understand me? Listen to your little friends when they tell you about me, it’s all true.”

“I’m not scared of you,” YN shakes her head defiantly, crossing arms and bumping his chest just barely in the process but he doesn’t move back yet.

“I never said anything about being scared of me,” Harry responds almost conversationally, if he leaned forward just a bit more their lips would be connecting and….

And what the fuck.

No, YN, No.

“I don’t understand why you’re such a miserable asshole,” YN responds tightly, trying to reign in her thoughts, “But you’re going to have a hell of a time trying to make me fucking bow to you.”

Harry doesn’t like that, not one bit because he nearly snarls, and bites out, “You’re not going to last long on my crew. I’ll make fucking sure of that. I won't fire you but by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be begging to quit.”

YN finally snaps at that, this arguement clearly going no where, and she would have thrown the aspirin back at him but she actually did need it so as she reaches for the door handle to close it, she makes sure to let him know, “Fuck you.”

Harry's face transforms into a sickeningly sweet smile, dimples popping in his cheeks as he steps out of the room and into the hallway, “It’s been a lovely first day working with you, Miss YN. If you want to be intimidating, you might want to try it when you’re not wearing pajama shorts with sushi rolls on them.”

And with that, he’s disappearing down the hall.

-

As expected, the next day YN’s foot was swollen which made getting her feet into the kitten heels exceptionally hard this morning, her foot was already pulsating in pain by the time they got to the airport.

When they’re in the staff room, checking any updates for the flight, there’s a collective sigh of relief when positions are posted before they all look over at YN, she doesn’t even have to look to know what they’re thinking.

“You really pissed him off,” Elaina states as she frowns at her friend, “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen Styles put the same attendant on cockpit for two flights in a row.”

YN was relieved in all honesty because she was going to be able to sit more than the others and she’d rather not be on her feet for hours on end with her bruising in the just the very beginning of the healing phase.

“It’s because I’m not going to take his bullshit,” YN responds with another sip of her strong coffee, “I can see why he makes people cry, he’s a jerk but I'm not going to let him win with me. He gets on my last nerve so I’m going to make sure to get on his.”

“And if he fires you from his crew?” Perry asks and it’s clear that she’s trying to tell YN to cool it with the attitude because they really don’t want to see their friends lose her job.

YN almost spills about the conversation her and Harry had last night, how he doesn’t want anybody new on his flights which makes her somewhat confident that he won't get rid of her easily but she wasn't going to tell her friends about that interaction.

Instead she tries to come off as nonchalant as possible when she shrugs her shoulders, “So be it. I’m not going to kiss his ass for this job.”

Elaina and Justine are giving her the same disapproving looks like they don’t want to see the Rama unfold which will most likely end in YN getting the boot as it was much easier to replace a flight attendant than a pilot.

-

It must be tradition for Harry to come into the staff room before the flights to let them know that boarding is happening soon and if there’s anything that they need to be aware of.

When he walks in today, he notices how the others straighten up and sit more proper than they were before, giving the captain their full attention and YN can’t help but roll her eyes.

She knows it's outwardly rude but she doesn’t put her phone away when he begins to speak about the potential weather hazards and turbulence that may occur on the upcoming flight.

YN wants to smile because she can feel the daggers that Harry is boring into her as he speaks and she blatantly lets him know how uninterested she is in what he has to say.

After he is done speaking, he asks if there’s any questions or anything that the staff needs and they all respond pretty much in unison saying ‘ no Captain’ everyone except YN.

YN has never, not once been so insubordinate at work, she fucking thrived on being a model employee and for the life of her, she could not explain the brattiness that Harry brought out in her.

She was having fun making him angry and she’s never been that type of person, it was like she was also enjoying his attention even though it was negative but YN wouldn’t admit that.

It seems pretty easy to rile him up, get him on-edge, his bullshit tolerance was seemingly low which made it easy for YN to succeed.

“Miss YN, I’d like to see you privately. Now,” Harry orders with no budge, he hasn’t raised his voice but the words are distinct and pronounced.

“She’s just having a bad day,” Elaina, always the good friend, tries to justify because she’s definitely afraid that YN is about to get fired, “She doesn’t usu-“

“Did I ask you?” Harry snaps at the women, his eyes fiery now with confrontation, “Did I ask for your opinion? I think I can do my job just fine without your input, stewardess.”

He managed to make the job title seem less than or demeaning in the way it came out but Elaina’s eyes go wide in surprise and she instantly quiets back down.

“If you find it necessary to try to tell me how to manage my crew, you can start looking for another airline to work for,” Harry threatens but his gaze is already back on YN, her heart absolutely sinks when she hears Elaina start to sniffle to hold back tears.

That was the normal effect that he had on others, a few really harsh and threatening words would make them cry because they were scared of him and his wrath.

YN pats Elaina’s thigh, in a silent ‘thank you’ for trying to stick up for her but she pushes herself off the couch, quickly hiding the grimace when her foot reminds her it’s injured and grabs the handle of her heavy luggage.

“Fifteen minutes,” Harry tells the rest of them before he’s going back out the door but this time with YN in tow, again slower than usual as she’s trying to manage this bruised foot in heels.

Harry doesn’t take her far, just down the hall to an empty conference room and shuts the door - she wants to smile with how angry he seems to be but she also hates how handsome he was when he was like this.

His jaw was clenched but it showed off how defined and cut it was, his puffy lips were pouty and a bit swollen from biting them, and he made his shoulders as broad as possible like he was trying to puff up in defense.

“I think it’s a fucking record,” Harry almost growls as he crosses his arms, putting his hat on the table, “I don’t think I’ve ever despised a stewardess as quickly as you. How have you gotten anywhere in life with that spoiled attitude?”

“I could ask the same,” YN raises her eyebrow because he doesn’t have room to talk on attitude, “I’m not normally like this. You just bring out the absolute worst in me.”

“Good to know I have such an effect on you,” Harry smiles smugly, his teeth gleaming and those same dimples popping, “That I can get you so worked up.”

It definitely had a double meaning laced in those words.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” YN laughs like he’s told the funniest joke, “You’re not as great as you think you are. I’m not impressed.”

And bingo.

That must strike a nerve with him.

YN can already tell nobody ever tells him that.

His teasing smile drops into something stormier, “Cut the bullshit now. When I’m talking, you listen and pay attention, you’re not some silly little teenager who can’t take a moment away from her phone. I know what you’re doing. I’m not going to be disrespected so blatantly in front of my crew.”

YN’s insides sorta twist at that because when he lays it out like that, it was really fucking rude of her and just because they’re having issues doesn’t give her the right to be so outwardly disrespectful in front of the crew.

She actually means it when she says, “I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.”

Harry’s eyebrows raise like he’s surprised that she sincerely apologized but it relaxes him a bit after the apology, shoulders dropping just the slightest, and YN’s mind starts to drift on what his broad shoulders look like underneath the perfectly pressed uniform…

No.

Absolutely fucking not.

But god, even if YN couldn’t stand his personality, she really couldn’t deny how fucking attracted she was to him, it would be hard not to with how beautiful he is.

It helps to know that he doesn’t sleep with people he works with which means that she could fully keep this a fantasy.

“See you can be an obedient little puppy,” Harry lets the condescending tone lace through his words.

YN has to clench her fists by her side to avoid smacking the ever living shit out of him.

“Go fuck yourself,” YN hisses because he’s now managed to completely piss her off, “I take back my god damn apology. You absolute douchebag.”

Harry smiles again, eyes twinkling under the fluorescent lights because he got the reaction he wanted out of her, and watches in amusement when YN grabs her luggage handle and though she can’t storm out of the room as she’d like with her foot, she exits without another word.

When she’s a bit down the hall, she stops, leaning against the wall as removes her shoe, massaging at the tender skin that was already pulsing from being in the heel.

It felt good to have it off for a moment but of course, Harry decides to come the same way down the hall which makes YN cut her rest short and slip back on her heel without looking at him.

As she starts back down the hallway, almost like yesterday night, the handle of her suitcase is pried from her hand by none other than Harry as he strolls down the hall, “What the fuc-“

“Keep your voice down,” Harry chides sharply, taking the duffle off her shoulder and swinging it over hers, “We’ll never make it to board on time with you limping around like this. C’mon, I don’t like being late and you’re going to make me.”

YN’s argument dies on her tongue because it’s actually very nice of him to be lugging her suitcase and duffel which they don’t say anything else but when they get inside the plane - Harry tucks them away for her too.

She’s relieved none of her friends are on board yet because she knew they would have a ton of questions if they saw what just happened.

And YN would not have a fucking clue how to explain it.

-

The next three months go on basically the same since being on the same flight crew with Harry, they would constantly go at it before flights, Harry would drag her into a private room and they’d argue a bit before he’d take her luggage to the terminal for her.

They never interacted at the hotel restaurant or bar but they happened to bump into each other a lot as YN made it a habit to get ice at night around the same time and they both never mentioned how Harry was magically coming up to his room at that time and would walk to the ice machine and back to her room together.

As time went on, the night walks with Harry, there wasn’t always much conversation, occasionally bitching about an unruly passenger or an idiot staff member, quite a bit of jabbing and poking at each other but it didn’t seem so filled with hatred anymore.

It wasn’t a pleasant relationship at all, they were both pretty awful to each other and YN typically ended every conversation they had with a ‘fuck you’ or some variation of it but now there were some not so hostile moments mixed in between them.

They weren’t friends, not even cordial really but YN knew that she had a closer relationship to Harry than anyone else on the crew and she’d had kept that hidden from her friends.

She didn’t want them to get the wrong impression, she knew they would jump to the conclusion that they were hooking up or that she liked him in that way - it was better to keep it on the down low even if there really wasn’t much to report.

It had been a late flight in, everyone had eaten one of the lackluster meals on the plane, and headed up to their hotel room the moment they landed to go to sleep.

YN was on the same boat, not bothering to get the unnecessary ice tonight, and she’s just stepped into her room when her phone buzzes with a text message from her friend back home.

Micah: What a dick. I didn’t even know he was in a new relationship, let alone that serious. [image attachment]

YN opens the conversation to a screenshot from Noah’s instagram, she’d blocked him after he refused to let her see the dogs anymore, and it was a picture of his most recent post.

He was holding a girl she didn’t recognize, her legs wrapped around Noah’s hips and her left hand held up to their face where they’re kissing, and a prominent diamond sat on her finger.

The caption was something sickeningly sweet about her saying ‘yes’ and how excited he is for the rest of their lives together.

They hadn’t even been broken up for an entire year yet.

One of the main reasons that they broke up in the first place was because after six years, YN was ready to settle down and get married but he said that he just didn’t want that right now and he wasn’t sure if he ever really wanted to get married.

It turns out that he just really didn’t want to marry her.

God, she was over him but the rejection still fucking stung.

She deletes the photo from the conversation so she doesn’t have to look at it any longer and she can’t go back to hyperfixate on it later but she felt like a bus just hit her suddenly as she sat in her empty hotel room.

YN wipes her eyes roughly, refusing to let herself cry over it, and instead, she does something she typically never does while she’s traveling for work - she slips on her shoes and heads right down to the hotel bar to get drunk.

The flight the next day wasn’t until noon so she didn’t have to roll out of bed super early and she just wanted to feel numb right now which alcohol had a great way of doing.

It was a bit busy for a weeknight, quite a few businessmen scattered around the lounge, a few couples, and a few lone people like herself when she sits down on a bar stool and orders Long Island.

YN wasn’t a light weight per se but it really didn’t take her much to be feeling good and by her third one, she was feeling warm and fuzzy, not as awful as she felt an hour earlier.

She was drunk, not to the point of blacking out or being belligerent but enough that she was ready to curl into bed and have a night long sleep and pray not to have a nasty hangover.

YN’s just ordered her fourth, a bit surprised that the bartender allowed it but she wasn’t showing any sign of being smashed, and then someone slid up beside her, close to where their shoulders brushed.

It was stupid but momentarily she wished it was Harry, thought it would be him but she frowns when it's one of the businessmen from the lounge that is grinning at her.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asks even though he can see that she has a completely full one right in front of her.

“I’m good, thank you,” YN tells him without much kindness in her tone to let him know that she’s not interested in whatever he wants from her but that doesn’t seem to deter her.

“C’mon, just one? It’d be a crime not to buy a drink for someone so gorgeous,” He lays it on hard, he wasn’t sitting and he was too much in her space for her liking.

“I said no,” YN replies firmly, it was obvious in her body language that he was making her uncomfortable but he really didn’t seem to care.

“Are you married? What’s the big fuckin’ deal? I don’t see a ring on your finger, just have a drink-“ The man pushes, angrier as he realizes that he’s being rejected, YN ignores the wedding band on his finger.

“Is there an issue here?” A startling loud voice states from behind them and YN slumps in relief when she realizes that it was Harry.

“Who the fuck are you?” The businessman retorts, puffing up his chest and posturing like he was ready for a fight.

“Her husband,” Harry lies easily, he’s not as worked up as the man he’s confronted but he doesn't need to be - his presence and the way he holds himself is ten times more intimidating than the other man.

The businessman looks between the two of them before rolling his eyes, snatching his freshly ordered beer off the counter and going back to the table with his friends.

“Thanks for that,” YN tells him as she goes to take a sip of her drink.

Harry doesn’t allow her, intercepting the glass and putting it back on the bar, “You’re drunk. I think you’ve had enough to drink. It’s time for you to get to bed.”

YN frowns at the full drink, she can’t help the spoiled whine in the back of her throat, “But I want it.”

Harry surprisingly lets out a soft laugh, his hand coming to her shoulder and his thumb rubs a circle for a moment before he’s pulling back - realizing what he did but doesn’t lose his smile, “I know you do, seem to be really enjoying them but I think it’s time for you to get back to your room.”

“Mm, a few more sips,” YN coos which isn’t her normal behavior but she was drunk, she couldn’t be blamed for being a bit flirty with the prettiest man she’d ever seen, “S’good and sugary, make me forget.”

Harry’s brow furrows, “That’s an awful reason to drink. What are you trying to forget?”

YN shakes her head as she begins to pull out her wallet, grabbing a few bills but she stops when Harry directly hands the bartender enough to cover it.

“You didn’t have to do that,” YN mumbles because she doesn’t know why he was being nice to her.

“I know I didn’t, come on,” Harry replies, he gently holds her shoulder as she clumsily gets off the bar still and when she stumbles, Harry wraps his arm around her waist but just barely touching her to guide her, “You’re a sloppy drunk, aren’t you?”

YN pouts at that as they leave the bar, “I don’t drink a lot. I don’t think I’ve gotten drunk in the last year or two.”

“Why now?” Harry asks as he presses the button up when YN starts to tilt - the hand on her back finally moves to her hip, gripping her with more pressure to keep her standing.

YN snorts unattractively, her eyes were getting bleary and heavy, she was getting tired which happened when she drank liquor.

“Like you care why I’m sad,” YN scoffs as they’re stepping into the lift, he leans forward to press the number to their floor.

Harry pauses for a moment, he doesn’t tell her he cares but instead repeats more firmly, “Tell me what’s going on. I’m sick of asking.”

“My ex just got engaged,” YN whispers and fuck, she feels tears begin to prick at her eyes as she say it out loud.

“He’s your ex for a reason, why are you upset?” Harry responds but he doesn’t seem judgemental but curious.

“I was with him for six years. We broke up two months into this job. He said he didn’t want to be tied down, he didn’t think he ever wanted to get married, and he didn’t want me waiting around for a ring and babies,” YN swallows as she wipes at her cheeks, mascara was definitely starting to rub, “Less than a year later, he’s already proposed to a girl he barely knows. I don’t know why I wasn’t good enough for him. I was a good partner.”

Harry’s silent as the elevator goes up, his hand doesn’t leave her hip even though she’s not swaying but she appreciates it's ground her and makes everything seem a little less worse.

“I’m sorry,” Harry finally says and he doesn’t sound like he’s being condescending - it actually sounds like he means it, “I cannot imagine what that feels like to go through. I can’t imagine why he would do that. You’re smart, intelligent-“

“Don’t act like you don’t hate me, Harry. Just to make me feel better,” YN butts in because she doesn’t need him to butter her up when she knows he doesn’t mean those things.

“I don’t hate you,” Harry’s voice is deep but quieter than it usually is, “You get on my nerves nearly every fuckin’ second of the day but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see how smart, quick-witted, beautiful you are.”

YN bites her lip because she didn’t realize that she needed to hear that, it’s been a long while since she’s got a compliment, and in about the year leading up to ending her relationship with Noah - he’d never say anything nice like this.

“Thank you, I-I haven’t heard anything nice like that in a while,” YN tells him as she continues to swipe away tears and look down at her feet because she can feel Harry’s eye watching her and she’s embarrassed she’s responding this way.

“You should be hearing those things everyday,” He sighs and squeezes the plush of her hip kindly, guiding her again when the elevator at or door opens, “I know it’s a bit ironic considering our style of communication but I do mean those things.”

YN tells him her room number and they begin walking down the left of the hallway, her mind is fuzzy but feels a little more clear after their conversation, “It’s fine, I’m just as bad and I started it for the most part. I don’t expect to hear those things from you.”

As they wind up at her door, Harry steps back and puts his hands into his pockets, “I should be nicer to you but I hate to admit I enjoy getting under your skin and making you angry. You’re quite pretty when you're pissed at me.”

And YN’s mind goes to insecurity right away because she knows that Harry doesn’t like her even though he said he doesn’t hate her, he has no reason to be this nice to her and even though they’ve had moments through the past months of niceness …

She doesn’t know what makes her blurt this out and she wishes she could swallow it as soon as it came out of her mouth.

“Are you trying to be all nice to sleep with me or something? Then you’ll be a dick again once you get what you want?” YN’s words are just a bit slurred but hold a somewhat curious, somewhat accusing tone as she watches him.

The small smile that had been on his face for their conversation drops and in its place was a frigid scowl and before he even spoke, she knew that she had offended him but the way his shoulders tense up and he takes another step back from her.

“You know what’s fucked up? I finally try to put myself out there just the littlest bit for you and all you can think is that I want to fuck you? You think that lowly of me?” Harry’s soft whispers were gone and back was the cold, emotionless bravado that echoed off the empty hallway walls, “That I was just trying to use you?”

“I-Harry, I didn-no, I didn’t,” YN begins to stumble because unlike their usual back and forth arguing that dissipates in meaningless banter, this wasn’t that - she had actually upset him and that was never her intention.

“Save it your bullshit apology,” Harry replies to cut her off, shaking his head like he’s disappointed in how idiotic he’s been, “I’m done trying if this is where it fucking gets me. I knew it wasn’t fucking worth it.”

And with that, he’s storming away from her without another word and he doesn’t look back as she stares after him dumbfounded at what the fuck just happened.

The flight the next day home, Harry puts her back on the back crew which was the further position away from the cockpit who dealt with the consumers in the back of the aircraft.

Her friends congratulate her on getting away from the pit because they didn’t know anything about how Harry and hers relationship has developed but all she could feel was anxiety about how much she’d fucked up.

He doesn’t come into the staff room before takeoff and is already in the pit when the stewardess’ board, YN doesn’t see him until the crew is heading off the plane.

Harry makes it clear he’s looking for no interaction as he hustles through the terminal with long strides.

-

They have a three day break and during that time, YN isn’t even thinking about Noah and his new engagement that originally had her so torn up in the first place.

All she could think about was Harry.

She had a wishful thinking that the time off would heal the wounds and they’d be back to normal but she knew that wasn’t the case when Harry put her again on the back crew.

She did not see him throughout the flight once again and stayed behind while the stewardess got off the aircraft when they landed which meant YN knew she wasn’t going to see him.

He makes a habit of this for the next three flights as well before YN can’t take it anymore, knowing that he’s actively avoiding her because she’d hurt his feelings.

He didn’t come to the hotel bar, he didn’t meet her in the hallway for their ice run, and it was more devastating than YN though which made her come to the frightening revelation that she might have a crush on the man she’d been mostly enemies with for over six months now.

She missed interacting with him, she missed fighting with him.

She missed the way his jaw clenched when she made him irritated, the way he looked like he wanted to reach out and manhandle her when she purposely ignored him when he called for her on flights and he had to come out of the pit, or the way he would squeeze her wrist lightly sometimes as a thank you when she would bring him a drink.

YN didn’t want to admit to herself that she felt something, maybe it wasn’t full blown feelings but just a smidge of fondness for the grumpy bastard.

And maybe part of it was that she felt special, Harry didn’t soften for anyone else but her and even though she didn’t tell her friends about it - she knew they were suspicious that YN was constantly on pit duty or that she hasn’t gotten fired after how sassy she can be to her captain.

After the fourth flight of no sign of communication, YN decides that she needs to take matters into her own hands because she didn’t know what she wanted with Harry but she didn’t expect it to suck this much when he didn’t engage with her.

They’re in Milan and when Harry doesn’t show up at the hotel bar, well YN wasn’t expecting him to at this point, and she needed to figure out what hotel room he was in.

She’d normally never be so deceptive but she was desperate, she walks straight up to the front desk and tells a bold-face lie to the young receptionist.

“My boss left his phone at the bar,” YN lies, flashing her own phone quickly, “I completely forgot what room he said he was in. Would you be able to tell me?”

The girl doesn’t think anything of it as she looks up the information, letting YN know what room and YN is thanking her before walking determinedly to the elevators.

It’s late by this point, nearing eleven and she was praying that he wasn’t asleep as she stepped up to his door, her heart was pounding out of her chest at the mere thought of being rejected.

It takes a good three minutes before she finally musters up the courage to knock on the door a few times - god, she didn’t even know what she wanted to say to him.

There’s a bit of rustling behind the door, YN wonders if he’s going to open it - there’s no peephole on these ones and her breathing freezes when he swings open the door.

He was in a pair of gray joggers that were low on his hips, the band of his underwear peeking over but the main thing was that he was shirtless and he had tattoos everywhere.

Her brain couldn’t tell if it wanted to focus on memorizing the black ink on his skin or the definition of his stomach, a trail of sparse hair leading from his belly button into his underwear.

Harry doesn’t give anything away from his face, blunt and cold, “Can I help you?”

“I want to say I’m sorry,” YN decides that is the best place to start, “You were kind to me that night and before that even, it wasn’t right over me to insinuate you were doing it for an inappropriate reason.”

“I don’t need a fucking apology, I don’t care,” Harry bites out and YN knows that his guard is a hundred percent up by the way his posture is uncomfortable and defensive.

“You do care,” YN replies surely, “If it hadn’t bothered you, you wouldn’t have been ignoring me for the three weeks. I hurt your feelings and I’m sorry because it wasn’t my intention.”

Harry doesn’t deny it again but he doesn’t admit to it either, instead he grits out, “It doesn’t matter either way.”

“It matters to me,” YN argues back, now getting defensive.

“It shouldn't,” Harry’s voice is back to being louder, firmer.

YN bit her lip for a moment, deciding on how vulnerable she felt like being with the man who showed absolutely none himself, “I’ve missed you these past weeks. I miss fighting with you on the flights, I miss our nightly ice machine walks, and you giving me a hard time in the staff room before takeoff.”

Harry’s lips twitch before he’s pulling them in a tight line, “I accept your apology.”

“Are you done ignoring me?” YN presses because this doesn’t feel resolved and she’s never had the urge to want to touch someone so much.

“For now,” Harry’s lips barely tilt into a smile.

It’s quiet between the two for a long pause, staring at each other, and YN doesn’t know what she wants but she feels like she’s just standing there like an idiot, “Well, goodnight. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.”

Harry’s eyes dart back up to hers, she realizes that he’d been checking her out, and he doesn’t show any shame in being caught before nodding, “We are. Goodnight.”

YN turns towards her room, the door closing softly behind her but she pauses after a few steps because she’s never been adventurous, she’s never been bold, and she might be making a mistake but fuck, she has to just try.

She’s retracing her steps, knocking on the door harshly, and it was like Harry hadn’t gone back further into the room yet because he opens it up quickly.

They don’t say anything before YN steps forward, heart pounding in her ears, and leans up - pressing their lips together and letting her hand rest on his cheek.

It flips a switch in him because he’s pulling her into his room, shutting and locking the door before walking her right into the entryway wall - his lips were persistent and taking over as he coaxes her mouth open to lick into it.

He knocks her hand away from his face but only so he can take hers between his hands, cupping her jaw on each side tightly as he moves her head how he wants to deepen the kiss.

YN’s never been kissed like this in her life, she’d never been more aroused either.

Harry presses his hips forward until their pelvises are pressed together, he wants her to feel how hard he’s getting as pressed against her and bites at her bottom lip.

YN whines at that, her hands coming up to roam over his chest, it was so defined and muscular, not what she was used to - Harry was hard and firm where Noah had been soft and plusher.

When she thumb brushes over his nipple, his pec twitches and she has to do it a few more times until she gets her fill.

He wasn’t shy when he sucked on her tongue, licked at the roof of her mouth, and made her feel like he wanted to feel every single part of her as he moved down to the hem of her shirt.

He pulls back with his lips a delicious bubblegum pink, swollen and shiny from their spit, “What do you want? Do you want me to stop?”

That’s the last thing she wants.

YN shakes her head, “Don’t want to stop, please.”

Harry smiles at her, it’s a softer expression than she’s ever seen from him and he leans forward, nuzzling her cheek for a moment before dragging her in for another long kiss.

“Can I undress you then, pup?” Harry murmurs against her lips as he starts to bring up the bottom of her shift but slowly enough that if she told him no, he would stop.

“Please, just want you,” YN agrees breathlessly when she tries to move to the button of her jeans, Harry knocks her hand away with an annoyed grunt and glare.

“Let me do everything, I just want you to enjoy it. Don’t worry, you’ll get all of me. I’ll give you anything you fuckin’ want,” Harry tells her as he sheds her top, then bra.

He looks torn for a second like he can’t decide whether he wants to play with her chest or continue until she’s fully bare but he decides against the latter, cursing as he pulls down her pants, “Knew you’d have the cutest tits.”

“You’ve thought about this?” YN questions as he moves to discard her underwear.

“Of course I fucking have, it’s all I’ve thought about for the past month. No, I wasn’t doing any of those things to get in your pants but it didn’t mean I didn’t want to fuck you,” Harry’s voice is getting deeper and raspier as he’s gets more and more turned on, “On the bed.”

Noah’s the only guy that YN’s ever been with.

It was uncomfortable to have such a devastatingly attractive man standing in front of her when she didn’t feel anywhere as sexy as him.

The worry only stays for a moment because when she’s spread out in the middle of his bed, he’s tracing every inch of her skin, and moans loudly as he moves to squeeze himself once, “I think this is the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. God, you’re like a little angel, aren’t you?”

“Come here,” YN whimpers, reaching out for him because she needs to touch him and he obliges eagerly, he’s tugging off his joggers but keeping his underwear on as he crawls over the bed and on top of her.

Harry finds her lips again, dropping his hips to grind against her center, and it feels so fucking good, just this contact through two layers of clothing and it all like a new experience to her - she never felt this with Noah.

Harry’s mouth moves but he’s not just kissing, he’s licking at her, sucking, and biting all over her jawline then neck until he gets to her chest where he lets a pleased hum when he cups them.

“Puppy, how are you this perfect, hm?” Harry coos as he leans down to graze his teeth against her hard nipple, “Pretty little thing coming to my room, begging for me to touch her, and then you show off this body? Maybe I should ignore you more often.”

YN turns her head and bites meanly at his hand which makes him chuckle and kiss the curve of her breast in apology before he’s wrapping his lips around one, fingers coming to pinch and roll the other one.

“Fuck,” YN gasps because he definetly knows how to use his mouth and her back arches involuntarily, pressing herself further into him, and trying to grind her hips up against where he’s hard, wishing he could slip between her folds like this.

Harry leaves them wet and hard as his lips continue down the center of sternum, down on her belly and she’d never thought it would feel good to have someone nip and suck at her plush but it did.

When he starts to move even further down, closer to her pubic bone, she freezes which Harry can tell right away by the hand on his shoulder tightens and her legs still from where they were restless.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to stop?” Harry asks with concern as he sits up more on his elbows to make eye contact with her - she didn’t know how he managed to look so cute and so obscene at the same time with worried eyes and puffy lips.

“You-I just,” YN stutters and she wants to smack herself for being an idiot because she should have known that it would lead like this but softly, she says, “You don’t have to…you know, do that.”

“Do what?” Harry replies with confusion, his fingers were still tracing mindless patterns on her tummy, thumb smoothing at the skin.

YN groans in embarrassment, she could feel her face getting hot, “You know…I’m just saying you don’t have to…,” Her eyes dart down to her lower half so that maybe he gets the hint.

“What? Eat your cunt?” Harry clarifies and of course he’d be this fucking crass in bed, she shouldn’t have expected anything less, “Do you not want me to? If you don’t want me to, I don't have to.”

“It’s not that,” YN wants to crawl into a hole and die.

“You’re acting like it would be a chore to me. I am one hundred percent sure that I’ll get just as much pleasure from tasting you on my tongue, getting my face in your perfect little cunt. Now what’s the issue?”

“You’re going to laugh,” YN mutters and she wishes she would have just kept her stupid mouth shut at this point.

“Tell me now,” He’s gone demanding again, his fingers pressing harder into her skin now.

“I’ve just never had it done to me before,” She admits finally, flopping back onto the bed and throwing an arm over her eyes to hide the absolute embarrassment of it all.

Harry crawls back up on top of her, forcefully moving her arm until they’re making eye contact, “I thought you were in a relationship for six years?”

“I was,” YN sighs as she curls her hand around his neck, “He said that men didn’t really do that often and he told me that he didn’t want to put his mouth on me and I never wanted to make him uncomfortable so we never did that.”

“Your ex is a selfish little prick,” Harry rasps against her lips, his hand moving down until he has his thumb pressed snug up against her clit which makes her twitch, “You get this excited from my thumb? You better not tell me he didn’t give you fingers either.”

“He didn’t want to do that either,” YN mewls when he starts a slow circular motion on her nerves.

“If it was possible, I’d have my mouth on your cunt and you riding my fingers every fucking day of the week,” Harry rumbles as he moves back down her body, “He’s a fucking dickhead who didn’t deserve you for a million different reasons. Do you want me to or no? I will understand either way.”

“Want it, Harry. I want it,” YN nearly slurs with how fucking turned on she is, her hips squirming again, and Harry gives her a dazzling fucking smile as he scotches down the bed.

He’s shouldering her thighs apart even further before he’s gripping the meat of one to keep her knee crooked and open as he groans like he’s getting pleasure from simply looking at her.

“God, I don’t think I’m going to survive this. I’ve never seen something this breathtaking before,” Harry says as he thumbs her folds apart, admiring her for another moment before he’s ducking down to bury his tongue tight up against her clit.

And holy shit.

She didn’t realize that this was what she had been missing.

Her legs try to close around his head but he keeps them spread and his other hand comes down the rest around her middle to keep her hips down.

He knows exactly what to do as he laps fat strokes of his tongue up from her core to her clit, over and over while YN is still relentlessly is trying to grind her hips up.

Harry pulls back which makes YN whine but he simply says, “Should have known what a brat you’d be in bed with how you are at work. Stay still now and let me do what I want to you. I promise it’ll feel good, baby.”

And his voice is so strict, demanding that she does finally relax into his hold which he rewards with fucking his tongue into her.

“M’close, Harry. Feels s’good,” YN moans as her stomach clenches.

“Come on, pup,” Harry coos against her, “Give me what I’ve earned, yeah?”

She’s almost disappointed she feels her orgasm coming because she doesn’t want to be over but Harry’s mouth is practiced and self-assured, he keeps the same pace throughout her orgasm which makes it longer by a few seconds.

YN melts into the mattress, body feeling loose and tingly as she comes down for her high, and her brows furrow when she sees Harry push down his briefs and begin to stroke himself with intent.

YN weakly kicks his thigh with a pout, “Don’t.”

Harry doesn’t stop but he slows down which gives YN a look at just how well endowed he is and to no surprise, mouth-wateringly beautiful.

“Don’t get myself off?”

“Fuck me,” YN breathes out, surprising herself with her boldness.

Harry’s hand stops, “Yeah? You’d let me get you on my cock, puppy? I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.”

And….

YN wants to preen at the compliment, after feeling like she didn’t deserve anything to hear Harry say that made her stomach flutter even if it was just dirty talk.

“How do you want it?” Harry asks as he comes closer again, ducking down to kiss at her knees, thighs, and he peppers kisses over her mound which feels wildly more intimate than anything she’d ever done with Noah.

“However you want,” YN murmurs shyly because her only experience is Noah and they had a vanilla sex life to say the least, a whole lot of doggy and her riding him so he didn’t have to do any work.

Harry laughs at that, lips vibrating against her belly, “I’ll take you anyway you’ll let me. What do you like most? What makes you come hard?”

YN doesn’t have an answer to this because she’s never had an orgasm from penetrative sex before without her own fingers rushing to get her there so he doesn’t finish first and leave her hanging.

Harry is obviously experienced and so it doesn’t make her proud to have to feel inexperienced at this moment.

“Shut the fuck up,” Harry huffs out even though she didn’t say anything, he takes a moment to nip at her hip, “You’re telling me this fucker never got you off? Please tell me this is a joke.”

YN tries to cover her face again but he wraps his hands around her wrist and pulls them away, “This is so embarrassing.”

“It is,” Harry agrees easily, “For him. Can’t believe you were with him for six years and he couldn’t even make you come. You’re telling me she was neglected this whole time,” Harry frowns as his thumb comes back to her clit, “Should be a crime.”

“I mean I did get off but I had to….get myself there,” YN starts to wiggle again, wanting to chase the friction from his movement.

“I’d love to watch you do that sometime but tonight, you’re not going to have to lift a finger,” Harry tells her confidently before he’s positioning himself above her, lips brushing hers but not quite kiss as he lines himself up and she wraps her legs around his narrow waist, “I like this position. I want to see how gorgeous you are when you come.”

YN brings a hand up to his curls, knotting her fingers in the strands, and brings his lips fully against hers as he pushes in, it doesn’t hurt but it definitely takes a minute to adjust as Harry was much more blessed in the department than Noah was and she hadn’t had sex for over six months.

“Wait wait,” YN pants out, pulling back, “I -I’m on birth control but are you clean?”

Harry smirks at her like she’s asked something funny, “I’m clean. I got tested after my last partner.”

“Me too,” YN replies, relieved that they don’t have to stop.

Harry resumes kissing her but when he’s finally all the way in, his breathing stutters and he lets out a low whine that makes YN throb - like she felt so good to him that he couldn’t stand it.

“Harry, you feel so good,” YN mewls as he starts a slow but powerful rhythm, she was turned on to the point where she could hear it as he thrusted in and out.

“You’re the best thing I’ve ever felt, pup,” Harry praises and she doesn’t know whether it’s just the dirty talk, it most likely is but it still makes her feel empowered, sexy.

It becomes to much when he starts to pick up the pace to continue kissing, every other breathe out of YN’s mouth was a moan and he moves down to wrap his lips around her nipple and his hands came under her bum - positioning her more upwards so her backside was off the bed and he could slide in perfectly.

The change in position made him hit a spot she’d only heard about in her body, on every odd motion he would nudge it, and she was going to come again without any stimulation on her clit.

“Ha-Harry,” YN moans louder than she’s ever been and he pulls back from her breasts as he’s staring at her now, eyes studying her face.

“Oh baby, are you close f’me? Am I doing a good job?” Harry’s voice isn’t as steady as before either, there was a bead of sweat on his temple, and his chest was pink with arousal.

“Yeah, I’m close-“ YN doesn’t even get to finish her sentence before she’s squeezing around him, shaking as he keeps his pace to work her through it, and she’s a little dazed that she misses when Harry stills inside her - letting out his own filthy noises and praises as he comes down too.

YN didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t for Harry to collapse his full weight on top of her and nuzzle his face into the crook of her neck for a moment, kissing her pulse point before rolling off.

She doesn’t want to assume that she can sleep here, she still needs to take off her makeup and she doesn’t have pajamas, and she feels anxiety creeping in which makes her get off the bed.

Harry lays on his back, one arm above his head, stomach flexing as he catches his breath, unashamed as he lays on full display because he has to know how beautiful he is.

“Where are you going?” Harry frowns as he watches her gather her scattered clothes.

“Um…back to my room? I have to take off my makeup, change,” And she didn’t want to mention showering because she wasn’t going to sleep after he'd come inside her.

“You don’t have to, I don’t want you to think that I’m kicking you out,” Harry sits up more, reaching for his briefs before his joggers and standing up to go over to his luggage to rummage for a shirt, “Let me walk you back at least.”

“Walk of shame,” YN half-jokes as she pulls her top over her head, bra crumpled in her hand because she didn’t feel like putting it back on.

“There’s was nothing shameful about how fucking well you took it,” Harry gives her a cheeky smile as he grabs his keycard, her room was only a few doors down.

When she unlocks her door, she turns around with her hand on the handle, and doesn’t know what to say but Harry’s leaning down to kiss her softly this time, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Harry.”

And when YN steps inside her room, closing the door behind her, she knows she’s royally screwed because that was the best sex of her life and now she knows for sure she has a fat fucking crush on Harry.

-

The first month after their original hookup was filled with more sex, it wasn’t every night but at least every other time they had to stay in a hotel - Harry would find his way into YN’s room and they’d have amazing sex each time.

He had her constantly on pit crew and they still bickered back and forth but it wasn’t as heated and it turned more into teasing than actual fights anymore which YN surprisingly didn’t mind.

YN felt like she’d gotten to know just bare minimum about Harry while she’d be pouring her heart out when the right moment hit, and he didn’t stay the night but he’d hang around for a bit before leaving her room.

It was also the month that YN realized that she didn’t just like vanilla sex and Harry had made her realize that very quickly because before him, she’d never had sex anywhere but in bed and a few times in a shower.

It had been an evening flight out, their flight had got delayed due to a gnarly thunderstorm which meant they would be stranded at the airport for another three hours before their plane came in.

Harry never spent time in the employee lounge, pilots had their own area which was rumored to be substantially nicer than the one that YN was currently sitting in.

They still have two hours until takeoff when she receives a text from Harry.

Harry: Come to the pilot’s lounge. Third floor near gate b32.

YN’s heart rate spikes as she gathers her luggage, her friends looking at her curiously, “I think I’m going to walk around a bit, maybe find a new book to read.”

“Want us to come?” Elaina volunteers but doesn’t seem eager to move from where she’s splayed on a overstuffed chair while playing Candy Crush.

“I think I’ll be fine,” YN replies as she heads out the door, it was actually good luck that all three of her friends appeared to be in a lazy mood because usually at least one of them would want to tag along with her.

YN knows other staff are not prohibited in the pilots lounge and so she’s nervous as she finds the long hallway that leads to the tucked away space that he’s referring to.

He’s waiting outside the door with his normal unreadable expression, his uniform perfectly fitted and pressed - the thrill of her being able to take it off of him makes her start to get wet without him even doing anything.

“I’m not supposed to be here,” YN tells him even though it’s obvious.

That makes Harry crack a grin, a wolfish tilt to his lips, “I’ll sneak you in.”

Harry opens the door with a special keycard, guiding YN into the lounge, it’s empty in here but it’s a million times nicer than the one that she’s used to with luxurious comfy seats, a pristine kitchen, and big flat screen televisions.

Harry moves to hold her wrist, tugging her along until they’re in the back corner, and Harry’s pushes open another door - to a single stall bathroom that looked like it could be out of a movie with shining tile floors and floral wallpaper.

“Harry,” YN warns because she knows with this is going and she doesn’t want to get in trouble.

“It’s fine, pup. There’s no one in here,” Harry soothes as he locks the door, he is predatory as he stalks towards her, his eyes dark and his movements slow but precise.

“Someone could come in at anytime,” YN points out desperately, she wants to do this but she wants to be assured that there’s no way that they’re going to get caught, even though he can’t guarantee that.

“Better keep your pretty noises to yourself then,” Harry rasps, YN has noticed how much scratchier and deeper his voice gets when he’s turned on, it’s unfairly hot.

She doesn’t have time to reply because he’s picking her up from under her bum and seating her on the sink countertop, his mouth moving to hers, and bringing her into a kiss that’s already filled with desire.

YN is nervous, she’s knows it’s dumb, and she doesn’t want Harry to make fun of her because of it but she’s never had sex somewhere this….risky and this is all so new.

Harry can tell by the way she’s kissing, distracted and in her own mind which makes him pull back, his thumb coming to rub at her bottom lip, pulling it down a bit.

“Do you not want to?” Harry checks as he watches her face, “We don’t have to, baby. We can wait until we get to the hotel. It’s okay with me either way. I should have check-“

YN cuts his off with another kiss before she pulls back, fingers coming to graze along the collar of his uniform, dipping underneath and caressing the skin as much as she could.

“I want to. I’m just nervous, I’ve never had sex anywhere but in a house,” YN’s face is heating with embarassment, admitting how fucking vanilla she is to someone who obviously isn’t.

Harry’s smile is nearly fond, “Tell me if you want to stop at any point, okay? M’going to show you that you deserve to be fucked whenever and wherever you want. I don’t know how your ex never did it outside the house. I thinking about fucking you everywhere, the hotel pool, over the edge of the bar, on the balcony.”

YN’s thighs clench and she presses their lips together to shut him up because sometimes his dirty talk is so sincere and downright filthy that she’ll combust if she hears anymore of it.

They don’t get caught but fuck it gets YN addicted because it’s not the only time it happens.

-

The second month, things had evolved even more.

Harry started saying that he was much too tired to walk back to his hotel room that was right down the hall and YN never kicked him out, he started staying after every time they hooked up.

YN would ask about Harry’s life outside of work but he really never divulged much which made YN remember each time that this was simply casual for him - there was no interest in a relationship and he didn’t like her like that, didn’t want to get to know her or open up about himself.

It made things harder, when he would kiss her so sweetly and tell her every time that she’s the best he’s ever had, it was hard to comprehend that he didn't have feelings for her either.

Especially on nights where he didn’t even get off.

He was too exhausted from a long flight but YN wasn’t, how he’d eat her out or give her his fingers as he kissed her softly, goading her sweetly to come so they could go to sleep.

He’d do nice things outside of the bedroom too.

On days where they didn’t have to be at the airport until noon, Harry would order breakfast to her room, he had arranged a massage for her, and then once a spa day when they had a day off in Toronto.

They still hadn’t hung out without having sex until almost three months into their casual arrangement.

YN didn’t feel good when they landed in London.

When she’d gone to her hotel room, she’d thrown up everything she’d eaten that day, and it felt like she’d been hit by a truck as she showered before laying in bed.

She hadn’t gotten sick again but she could tell that something she’d eaten had upset her stomach.

Then around ten, there’s a knock at her door.

YN groans because her body protests when she pulls herself off the bed to open the door - just in a big shirt and underwear because she already knows who it is.

Harry steps into the room, going to cup her jaw, and lean in for a kiss when she pulls back much to his displeasure - a frown gracing his face as she denies him.

“I don’t feel good, I’m sorry. I don’t feel like having sex,” YN tells him, hoping he doesn't mind too much - she remembers how upset Noah would get if she turned him down, “Maybe tomorrow morning but I got sick-“

Harry’s frown deepens as he guides her towards the bed, “We’re not doing anything if you don’t feel good. Don’t worry about the next time we are going to. We’ll find time when you’re feeling better.”

“But��” YN hates that she feels like she has to ask, “Are you mad?”

Harry looks a bit devastated at that question, his voice soft as he pats her bum as she crawls back in bed, “Why on earth would I be mad, pup?”

It’s the first time he’s called her that outside of sex.

He’d call her other things like baby, darling but that nickname hadn’t been spoken before in this context.

“Because I don’t want to have sex tonight,” YN wants to look away but he holds her gaze so intently.

Something clicks and Harry realizes that this insecurity must come from her last relationship.

“I wouldn’t be mad even if you never wanted to have sex with me again,” Harry assures her and he sounds sincere as he sits next to her, “I fucking love doing that with you but if you didn’t want to tonight or whenever, I’d never be upset. I respect whatever you want to do.”

“Thank you,” YN smiles weakly, she wanted a cuddle and it didn’t feel like she could because they didn’t do just that.

Harry nods, squeezing her thigh before standing back up.

“Have a goodnight,” YN tells him as he turns his back to her.

He whips around with confusion written all over his face, “You want me to leave?”

YN is just as confused, “I thought that’s what you were doing.”

“I was just going to turn off the floor lamp,” Harry nods to the light still on in the far corner, “But I can go if you don’t want me here-“

“No!” YN says too quickly, “I want you to stay. I just, we haven’t done this without you know…having sex.”

Harry’s face relaxes as he realizes he’s not being kicked out but he does move to turn off the lamp before stripping down to his briefs, he doesn’t respond to her last sentence but instead says, “Put on a movie.”

She does and he brings her into his chest and now that becomes a thing.

-

By the middle of the third month, they spend every night together when they’re traveling, and even when they’re not having sex, they go to bed cuddled up at night.

Harry doesn’t even bother with false pretenses and stops putting his suitcase in his own hotel room.

YN still finds frustration in how closed off Harry is, he’s attentive and at least acts interested when YN talks about herself and her life but he rarely gives anything out.

She’d been dying to know about his ex-wife, if what his friends said was true and he was married but he doesn’t ever mention an ex-wife or anything much for that matter.

It starts to feel like YN wants this more than him which isn’t fair to him because he never said that he wanted a relationship with her and she knew she fucked up by falling for him.

One night though, something changes and it begins to give YN hope that this wasn’t all in her head that he might like her too.

They had gone out onto the balcony of the hotel, they were in Madrid, and it overlooked the city as they laid on the lounge chair, YN in between his legs, and the warm air had a light breeze.

“I’ve never been to the Maldives, never been lucky enough to get a flight there,” YN hums as she plays with the rings on his finger, his hand resting on her belly, “But I’d say that’s my dream vacation. Always have wanted to go. Have you flown there?”

“I haven’t had a flight there, working wise. I had my honeymoon there,” Harry replies and his voice is tighter, more vulnerable than it was just mere minutes ago.

“Oh,” YN doesn’t know what to say.

“It was beautiful. The water was amazing, it just looked like you were living in a magazine,” Harry continues but he sounds strained like it’s hard for him to even talk about it.

“That’s why I want to go,” YN keeps her voice upbeat, giving him the opportunity not to elaborate if he didn’t want to.

“I was married for five years,” Harry tells her with hesitation.

“When did you get divorced?” YN can’t help but ask, hoping it doesn’t make him close back up.

“We didn’t,” Harry says but there’s no sharp edge to his voice, “She passed away.”

YN’s heart absolutely sinks into her stomach.

“I am so sorry to hear that, Harry,” YN squeezed his hand, bringing it up so she could kiss his palm and he allowed it.

“We…we were separated at the time and had filed for divorce,” Harry continues with a shudder, “We hadn’t been getting along for the past two years of our marriage. We got married right out of college, we’d only known each other for six months before we eloped. We were stupid and young. Once the honeymoon phase was over, we realized we had nothing in common or even really liked each other. We tried to make it work but we couldn’t.”

“I…uh, I didn’t want to be with her anymore but I still loved her,” Harry’s voice is shaky, “Not so much as a lover but she was still my friend. I…It was hard. She was in a car accident coming home from work, she was working the night shift as a nurse at the hospital. Drunk driver.”

“That’s heartbreaking,” YN feels herself getting upset for Harry, tears falling down her cheeks at what he had to go through, she couldn’t even imagine.

“Don’t cry, S’okay. I’m okay now,” Harry soothes as he leans forward to thumb at her damp cheeks, “I’m okay. I got counseling, I’ve worked through my grief.”

“I should be comforting you, I’m sorry,” YN apologizes but she’s taken by surprise when he leans forward and kisses her firmly, it’s not sexually charged but there’s so much feeling as he holds her to him.

It feels like more than just friends with benefits.

It has to be.

-

Harry was on a rampage at work, YN had never seen him so infuriated in her life as they were up in the air, five hours into a eleven hour flight, and he was more pissed than even his worst fight with YN.

The ground crew hadn’t fully fueled the aircraft, they weren’t going to make it to their destination on what they had left to work with, it wasn’t something that often occurred but it has happened occasionally in the past.

However, it meant that Harry had to work with staff on the ground to figure out what airport he needed to land out to refuel while figuring out the logistics of changing the course and time of the flight.

He hadn’t lashed out at YN but he’d chewed out nearly everyone else on the crew at least once but poor Perry got shouted out at least three times and she had cried two of them.

At the end of the day, the eleven hour flight took nearly fourteen, and by the time YN and Harry were in their bed, it was late, and they were both tired as they turned on a movie.

YN isn’t sure about how the topic went to their previous relationships but she answered anything Harry had asked about Noah, YN felt like she could do the same now that he had opened up about his wife.

“What did your family think of you getting eloped six months after meeting each other?” YN was curious, figured it wasn’t a crazy question to ask at all but Harry visibly tenses.

“I don’t want to talk about that,” Harry throws up his guard instantly and usually YN is understanding but quite frankly, it is starting to piss her off now.

“Of course you don’t,” YN scoffs with an annoyed edge.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Harry shoots back, sitting up straighter and looking over at her.

“That you will never open up to me! I share everything about me with you and you give me absolutely nothing. You shared about your wife that one night but beside that, you’ve never let me get to know you!” YN points out as she sits up too, anger rising in her chest.

An expression that YN doesn’t recognize flashes across his face for a moment before he’s covering it with a scowl, “I don’t have to share anything with you, YN. We’re not dating, we’re not in a relationship. It shouldn’t fucking matter if you know me.”

And ouch, that….that really fucking hurt.

YN could feel herself getting more upset than she’s been in a long time because this was her getting rejected officially.

Because if this is all he wants, YN doesn’t know if she can be okay with that anymore.

“Get the fuck out of my room,” YN finds herself huffing out, ripping the covers off of her legs and standing up - she feels a wave of naseous run over her as she bolts to the bathroom, slamming the door and doubling over the toilet.

Harry opens the door, moving to pull her hair away from her face, and rubs at her back as she heaves into the bowl, moaning at how gross she feels before flushing - he takes a step back from her.

“Thanks,” YN mutters as he gives her room to walk over to the sink to brush her teeth, “My stomach’s been sensitive to food lately while we’ve been on trips.”

“I know,” Harry replies simply because this isn’t the first time he’d held her hair as she got sick.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore,” YN tells him and at the same time, her heart is completely ripping into two.

This is the moment she realizes how irrevocably in love with Harry that she is and she’s fallen so hard that it feels impossible to dig herself out of the hole she’s dug.

If she couldn’t have all of him then she knew she was hurting herself in the long run because she’d never get what she wanted from him and sex just wasn’t enough for her even if it was for him.

“YN,” Harry’s voice is smaller than it’s ever sounded, shocked by what she’s saying and his eyes are wide, pleading, “Don’t. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn't have said those things. Today hasn’t been a good day, I didn’t -”

“Don’t apologize, Harry,” YN shakes her head, voice steady and firm,“It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I just…this isn’t working for me. I can’t just be a hookup for you, I don’t want that. I want to know you, I want more than what you want. It’s just better if we stop while we’re ahead.”

“YN, please just-“ Harry sounds like he’s begging but YN’s made up her mind and nothing has ever hurt more than this.

“Harry,” Her voice is stern, “Please just leave.”

He bites his lip because he wants to argue more, he honestly looks like he’s near tears but YN doesn’t know if that’s just her imagination as he exits the bathroom to gather his clothes into his suitcase - digging around for the keycard to his own room he threw carelessly somewhere.

YN didn't sleep that night, eyes hurting from how much she’d cried, cheeks raw from where she had continuously wiped away the traitorous tears because this hurt worse than anything she’d ever gone through with Noah.

-

YN does exactly what Harry had done to her in the past.

She hides away before flights because her friends have told her that Harry has been coming in looking for her  and she switches positions with someone else so that she’s not in the pit.

She ignores Harry when he knocks at her hotel door one night, ignores his text messages asking for them just to talk, and lets the food he sends up from room services go cold.

It’s only been a week since the incident but YN hasn’t felt any better with her stomach issues as she settles back at home after another flight - she’s restocking her toiletry bag for the next day when she realizes that she didn’t need to refill her tampons.

YN’s heart sinks into her stomach when she realizes that she can’t remember the last time that she had a period but there is absolutely no fucking way that she’s pregnant because she was on brith control and took it regularly.

She was googling frantically the statistics of birth control not working and that the pill is ninety-one percent effective which means there’s only a nine percent chance it’s not.

But there’s a chance.

YN digs in her cabinets for an old test that she knew she’d shoved somewhere after she’d broken up with Noah and had sworn off sex, and she was shaking as she waited for the results.

Her phone chimes with a text from Harry.

Please, can we just talk?

Don’t shut me out. Please.

YN, can you just give me a chance to explain myself?

Please, YN. I can’t stand this. It’s killing me. Please.

And YN ignores them, hyperventilating as her alarm sounds, and she flips the plastic stick - a digital reading across the screen and in clear bold letters, it tells her what she didn’t want to fucking see.

Pregnant.

Holy fucking shit.

“No,” YN whimpers as she blinks at it, “No no no.”

She was responsible with her pill, how was she part of the small percentage?

It never happened with Noah, why now?

Why was it with the person who didn't want her like this?

YN feels lightheaded, stumbling to her bed, and burying herself in the covers because she doesn’t know what to think or do or feel because she’s pregnant with Harry’s baby and he doesn’t even want a relationship with her.

-

YN calls off work for the next two weeks because she doesn’t know what else to do, she had vacation time to use, and she couldn’t face Harry right now as she figured out what she was going to do or how she was going to tell him.

She’s still violently sick nearly everyday, feeling worse as the days go on, when her two weeks was up - she didn’t feel any better about going to work.

Harry hadn’t stopped texting her, trying to call her but she couldn’t even read them because it hurt too much.

YN is in love with him, she had a baby in her stomach that is half him, and he didn’t want any of that.

On the day that she returns to work, they’re going to London again.

She’d been having awful cramps all morning, getting sick twice in the airport bathroom, and felt like she was striking a fever as she boarded the plane.

Harry was out of the cockpit, standing right outside of it, and his eyes flash in concern when he sees YN, “Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you -“

“I’m fine,” YN brushes him off, lying through her teeth as she stows her bag away before retreating to the back of the aircraft despite his eyes on her the whole time.

-

YN lets her friends convince her into going to the hotel restaurant that night despite feeling like death, the cramps hadn’t stopped, her head was now pounding, and she still felt overheated.

Her food was untouched as her friends giggled and gossiped around her but suddenly she felt like she was going to pass out.

The stomach cramps turned into a sharper pain, something she’d never felt before.

It was indescribable and she knew that she needed to go to the hospital.

And all she can think about is the baby.

That this isnt’ good.

“Oh…Oh my god,” YN gasps as she pushes her chair back, “I- I need to go to the hospital.”

All three girls jerk their head with wide eyes, immediately confused and worried, Justine who was sitting next to her, “What’s wrong?”

“Cramps, I’m having cramps. They’re….fuck, they’re bad,” YN groans as she moves her hand to her stomach, feeling like she may just double over in pain.

“Do you think that it might just be your period?” Perry asks as she begins looking for a staff member.

YN shakes her head sharply, “No-no because I'm pregnant.”

All three girls gasp in surprise, moving into action as they flag over the waiter to call the paramedics - the pain in her stomach was starting to overwhelm her.

“Call Harry,” YN shoves her phone at Elaina, “Please.”

“He’ll understand, YN. Don’t worry about work right now,” She tries to assure her.

“Elaina, call him,” YN says firmly, giving her a look, and that when all three girls register what she is implying - they try to hide the absolute shock as Elaina presses his contact information.

YN zones in and out of consciousness for a while, barely remembers when Harry arrives but he’s brushing her hair out of her face, murmuring things to her, and patting a wet rag on her forehead that someone gave him.

He clambers into the ambulance with her and she starts to come back to reality for a little while the paramedic begins to ask her questions about her health history.

She doesn’t know how it didn’t get communicated from her friends about what was going on but the EMT asks, “Do you have any idea why you’re having this pain?”

Harry’s hand is gripping hers tightly, he’s confused and has no idea what is going on but he’s shaking as he watches her.

“I’m-I’m pregnant,” YN manages to spit out and squeezes her eyes shut because she doesn’t want to see Harry’s reaction to that news.

His hand leaves hers.

“Baby, oh my god,” Harry gasps in surprise but he’s getting up from the seat, leaning over, and pressing kisses to her sweaty forehead, “You’re pregnant...”

“Your baby,” YN nods as she tenses as a cramp fleets through her body, “I’m sorry, I didn’t- I took my pills I promise, I don’t know how-“

“Sssh,” Harry soothes instantly, lips peppering kisses all over her face now as he strokes her hair, “S’okay, you’re okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m here and I love you so much, pup.”

YN blinks up at him blearily, “You love me?”

Harry nods, there’s tears in the corner of his eyes, “I’ve been trying to tell you for the last weeks but you wouldn’t talk to me. Of course, I fucking love you.”

“I love you too,” YN tells him but has to grit her teeth when another pain shoots through her and everything goes dark for a while.

-

YN wakes up in a hospital bed, there blinds are drawn shut and it’s dark in the room, she can tell it’s still night as there is no sun seeping through the cracks of the sills.

She feels substantially better than when she was being transported here but her side is still aching and as she blinks her eyes open, she sees Harry sitting right next to her bed with his head slumped against the edge of the mattress.

He was asleep and looked to be in the most uncomfortable position, sitting up in a chair with his back hunched at an awful angle, his one hand resting on his thigh but the other was holding tightly onto hers.

She could fully admit that her heart soared with love as she watched the man beside her sleep - it may sound creepy but she loved watching him like this because all his frown wrinkles were smoothed, he was relaxed with his puffy lips parted, his eyelashes long against his cheekbones.

Her free hand comes to his hair, carding her fingers through the curls, and lightly scratching her nails against his scalp.

It takes a minute but he finally stirs, a sharp intake of breath as he sits up with wide eyes, there was so much anxiety in his expression that YN had never seen before this night.

“Pup,” Harry rasps, his voice thick from sleep but he brings her hand up to kiss the back of it, avoiding the IV, “How long have you been awake?”

“Just now,” YN tells him and she knows, she knows she needs to ask what happened but the sinking feeling in her stomach tells her that she no longer has a baby growing in her stomach.

“I love you,” Harry breathes out quickly like he’s worried she’ll kick him out of the room, “Pretty much from the beginning I think. I should have let you in, I wanted to. I just…if I have you that means I could lose you. I’ve been through that and I don’t think I could handle it if that happened to you. I hadn’t been with anyone since my wife passed. It’s been ten years and I’m scared.”

“I love you too,” YN whispers sincerely, leaning over slightly and Harry meets her the rest of the way to lay a gentle kiss on her lips, thumb coming to brush under her cheekbone, “The baby..”

Harry bites his lip, jaw clenching but not from anger this time but YN’s absolutely alarmed when he starts to cry, “Our baby is healthy and stable.”

“Wha-What?” YN stammers out in disbelief, she had fully prepared herself for the news that she had miscarried, “The stomach pain, I-You’re lying. Please, don’t- I can’t.”

“Baby, no,” Harry coos soothingly, standing up and leaning over her, pressing his forehead against hers, “It’s wasn’t anything to do with your pregnancy. Your appendix ruptured. The baby was never at risk, they’re okay.”

“I had appendicitis? No-not a miscarriage?” YN clarifies because she doesn’t feel like she’s awake right now, she had prepared herself for the worst news possible.

“Yes, they removed your appendix. They checked on the baby. Everything is fine with you and our baby,” Harry assures her as he peppers kisses all over her face like he did the night before, “I heard their little heart beat, YN. They’re already growing and so strong. Fuck, I’m so in love with them and I just found out.”

“I took my birth control everyday at the same time,” YN begins to explain as she watches Harry’s hand drift down to her stomach, there wasn’t any sign yet maybe a little pudge she hadn’t noticed but he still laid his hand there protectively, “I don’t know why it didn’t, I’m sorry-“

“Do not ever apologize to me about this,” Harry replies firmly, his voice serious and deep as he pulls back to look at her, “Of course, this isn’t what I was expecting but I want it. I want it so fucking badly. I never- I never thought I had kids after you know…what happened.”

“I don’t even know anything about you,” YN sniffles as she pulls him back down, digging her face into his shoulder for comfort as his hand comes to cup the back of her head.

“We have about six months for you to learn every single thing about me,” Harry murmurs with a wet chuckle, “I’m done having walls up. I was trying to tell you that for the last month. I am so fucking in love with you I can’t think straight. I want you to know all of me.”

“I want that too, I want you in every way,” YN presses her lips to his shoulder, tears making his shirt damp.

“You have another night in the hospital,” Harry tells her, “For observation. I think I’d like to start now.”

“Okay,” She nods quietly, moving over with a wince until Harry can squeeze into the small hospital bed with her.

“I grew up in this shitty little apartment above a Chinese restaurant…” Harry starts his story, YN had never heard him speak so much but for the rest of her hospital stay, aside from naps, Harry doesn’t stop sharing.

And he never stops again after that.

[cinnamostar]

blind date

pairing : changbin x gn!reader

summary : when you’re set up on a blind date and it turns out to be your ex boyfriend from two years ago

wc : 1.6k

cw : nonidol!au, they’re exes your honor, fluffy, cutesy, not proof read that much idk what else

a/n : wrote this on my phone again so sorry for any mistakes! i don’t really know how to feeeel abt this fic, not my best work but i hope you like it!

you let out a nervous sigh as you enter the restaurant, a cold shiver traveling down your spine as the hostess leads you to your table, one your friends reserved on your behalf. you were starting to regret agreeing to this blind date your friends, hyunjin and felix, set you up on, but they were so insistent on it and said they found the ‘perfect’ match for you. you weren’t sure if you could trust them that much, but you knew at the very least, whoever it was wouldn’t be some creep like your other unfortunate dates.

hyunjin and felix were some of your best friends, ones you made in the last two years since you moved to the city due to a new position you got in your company. you met them by chance through a few coworkers, and since then, the three of you have been inseparable. they were incredibly supportive people, but they were tired of hearing you complain about shitty dates every weekend, so they decided to take matters in their own hands, stating they know this really cool guy through some other friends who was ‘totally’ your type. and apparently this new guy just moved to the city a few months ago too, so you would be the perfect tour guide for him too.

regardless of your nerves, you decide to put your trust in your friends as you patiently wait for this mystery man to arrive. you were curious to know what those two boys believed your type was and what made them so hellbent on making you go on this date, but perhaps curiosity killed the cat.

“hey, sorry im late!” a voice you were all too familiar with rings in your ears, the man before you rushing into his seat across from you with an apologetic smile as your mouth hangs open in utter shock and surprise, goosebumps making themselves known all over your body.

once he sits down, he looks up to meet your flabbergasted expression, the smile on his face falling once the realization hits him. his faces pales, almost as if he just saw a ghost appear right before his very eyes.

“changbin?” you ask incredulously, still not able to accept the ridiculousness of the situation.

“y/n?!” he mirrors your tone, except he was far more boisterous than you, causing a few heads to turn as he flashes a sheepish and apologetic grin to the other patrons around you two.

“i… uh, you’re my blind date?” he questions in a lower volume with raised eyebrows.

you sigh, an astounded chuckle escaping you, “i guess so…”

“i see… since when did you move here?”

“uhm, a little bit over two years ago. i ended up taking that promotion my company offered me,” you respond, a hint of anxiousness trembling through your words.

“oh, so, basically after we broke up..?”

“mhm,” you hum in confirmation, your body feeling tense due to the awkwardness that hung in the air between you two. “felix and hyunjin told me you just moved here, right?”

changbin nods, “yeah, one of my old friends needed a roommate and i just kinda wanted a fresh start, so i took my chances. how do you know hyunjin and felix?”

“coworkers,” you reply shortly, not really sure what to do in this situation.

“oh, cool! they’re old high school friends of mine, we only reconnected recently,” he smiles gently, biting his lips due to his nervousness, “i’m sorry if this is awkward.”

“ah, no, it’s okay. it’s no one’s fault, this is just some crazy coincidence,” you reassure him, “we don’t have to go through with the rest of the date, it’s okay to end it he-“

“no, no!” he interrupts, a dusting of pink appearing on his cheeks, “if you’re okay with it, we can just use this to catch up, no? it’s been awhile since we last spoke.”

you let out an uncertain sigh, “i’m fine with it, it’s just that we really didn’t end on the greatest of terms, did we?”

changbin’s face grimaces as he reflects back on the last months of your relationship, ones that were filled with constant fighting and disagreements over the littlest of things, which ultimately led to a very over dramatic break up since you both had become sick of each other over time. “no, definitely not,” he chuckles, “but we can catch up like old friends, no? unless, you wanna miss out on a lovely time with me, then that’s your decision,” he teases, the old changbin you once fell in love with slowly peaking through.

you roll your eyes playfully, “right, it would be a shame if i missed out on something like that,” a smile breaks out onto your face, a sudden wave of butterflies and shyness overtaking you. “sure, let’s catch up. i don’t mind.”

“great,” he clasps his hand almost as if he was celebrating this small victory, an embarrassed smile taking over his features, “well, i guess hyunjin and felix weren’t lying when they said this ‘mystery date,’” he lifts his hands to do air quotes, “would be my ideal type.”

you shake your head, laughing at his statement, “right, they weren’t wrong at all. maybe they were a little too spot on.”

somehow, those two hit the nail on the head and somehow paired up two former lovers through some miraculous twist of fate. there was no denying that your heart still had room for changbin, a piece of it feeling empty since your relationship with him ended. at the end of it, you had chalked it up to right person, but bad timing, as each of you were far too engrossed in each other’s career goals that inevitably took time away from the other. it wasn’t the right set of circumstances for either of you, as nether of you were at a stage of life where you could nourish a healthy relationship. he was once the person you imagined to spend the rest of your life with, but at that time, you thought if you weren’t able to bear hardships with him, then maybe he wasn’t meant to be that person. it was easier to accept you two were never meant to be, but your heart knew better than that. your heart knew he was the one, but that life just cruelly got in the way of your relationship with him.

eventually, the waiter came around to take down your orders, briefly interrupting the flow of conversation you and changbin were having. in some strange way, talking to changbin against was incredibly refreshing, as you missed the sense of safety and familiarity he brought with him. he was still the same sweet and endearing changbin you once fell in love with all those years ago, and maybe those feelings of love never truly left your heart as each time he would giggle, your heart would thump out your chest. you found yourself having to resist the natural urge to hold his hand, or to reach over and pinch his cheeks like you use to do back when you were together.

you missed this, and you missed changbin more than you could’ve ever imagined. his very appearance was enough to rekindle old flames of affection you once held for him, ones you never thought you’d be able to experience again. you both were enjoying every moment together, laughing and poking fun at each other as if nothing had ever changed, and before you knew it, two hours had gone by in the blink of an eye.

changbin insisted on walking you to your car, matter-of-factly informing you it’s what chivalrous men like himself do, which sent you into a small fit of giggles.

a gentle breeze bellows through you both, a comfortable silence filling the air, the awkwardness from earlier no longer to be found. you look up to the night sky, taking a chance to admire the full moon that glistens above you.

“you know, whenever i look at the moon, i still think of you,” changbin confesses in a hushed whisper, a longing look in his eyes as if he was looking off into some distant memory. you turn to him with a quizzical expression, urging him to go on. “you use to always tell me to look how pretty the moon was nearly every night. even if we weren’t together, you would text me to go outside and look at it,” he reminisced fondly.

“you always looked too,” you smile.

“honestly, i didn’t really get it at first,” he laughs, “but i loved you and it always made you happy whenever we looked at it together, so i made sure to look at it every night. even if we were fighting and weren’t with each other. even now, i still look up and think of you.”

your face grows hot as his words fluster you, the unexpected vulnerability catching you off guard, “thank you,” you respond gently, “for doing that for me. it always made me feel very loved.”

“i still do it. i think part of me will always love you no matter what.”

your breath hitches, your eyes widening as he looks away bashfully, not expecting or planning for those words to ever leave his mind. you let out a soft exhale through your nose, a shaken smile taking over your features, “i feel the same way too.”

quietness returns, neither of you sure how to continue the conversation as you reach your car, “well, this is me,” you break the silence, pointing to the car next to you, “thank you for today, it was… fun. i had a lot of fun.”

he nods, “me too,” taking in a deep breath, “do you… do you want to do this sometime again?” he asks meekly, fearing your response.

“yeah, i’d really like that, changbin.”

“okay, great. it’s… it’s a date?”

“it’s a date.”

[kitsuneechoes]

Was conversing with someone recently and realized I wanted to share my full awakening experience here. I know/think I've talked about it some, but I think it'd be nice to go a little more into detail.

Keep reading below ˏˋ°• ⁀➷

My Awakening: A Timeline of Events That Led to Where I Am Now

彡 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Early Childhood ࿐ྂ

Before I became aware of otherkin and therianthropy, I started off a simple kid. A kid, who - just like any other kid at the time - loved to play and act like an animal. I would run around on all fours, I would bark, yip, and growl. Yet when other children started to grow out of that 'phase', I found I couldn't stop.

Other kids moved on to other interests, but for me, those animal urges I thought was pretend stuck around. I still find myself reacting in nonhuman ways and often, it would be out of instinct. A loud noise and I would yelp. Danger nearby and I would growl or bare my teeth.

I didn't understand it at that time, but I soon realized that I wasn't like everyone else.

彡 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Fast-forward to 2009 ࿐ྂ

By the time I reached age 12, I started to feel insecure. Was I crazy? Was something wrong with me? Why couldn't I just act and be normal like everyone else? Why was I the only one struggling to control something inside of me that I didn't even understand?

I also found myself drawn to certain media. Werewolves, shifters, fantasy creatures in movie and tv shows. When I saw them, I thought to myself, 'I'm like that.' I even attempted once or twice to 'shift', but of course, it never happened.

Still, after finally being fed up on not knowing what was happening to me, I took to the internet. I quickly researched things like, 'Am I a shifter?', 'Am I a werewolf?', 'Am I cursed?'. The results led me straight to the term Therianthropy and from there, I fell down a rabbit hole.

I researched as much as I could about Therianthropy, and then Otherkin. I found the community and immediately signed up to forums that were active back then. I asked and pried and pleaded those I talked to, to help me figure out what was wrong with me. They told me and I had my awakening.

It all became crystal clear - the instincts, the behaviors, the urges, the 'limbs' I couldn't explain but were there. I even had an explanation to what I now know as mental shift flares that I was having. Everything fell into place and I couldn't have been more happier.

But that didn't last too long.

彡 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ The Seed of Doubt ࿐ྂ

After my awakening, I was so secure and sure that I had everything figured out. I was a canine therian and that was all there was to it. Except it wasn't. My canine therian identity lasted only about a year or two before I had my first 'cameo shift' (which I now know to be a result from my shapeshifting ability).

At first, I shrugged it off. No big deal, I was just mistaken. Obviously this second identity is the right one!

Nope.

Since that first cameo shift, my 'identities' only lasted several months before the next form came up. Then it became an endless cycle of trying to figure out what I was. Canine, feline, lemur, monkey, horse, bear, red panda, otter. I even had shifts of a dragon and fae.

This lasted for nearly a decade.

It sent me into a spiral of quick depression because I questioned if I really was anything. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I was delusional and I had just been a human playing pretend this whole time.

I gave up.

彡 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ 5 Years Ago ࿐ྂ

When I gave up, I stopped having shifts. I stopped noticing my phantom limbs. I blocked it all out and tried to focus on 'being human'. I had a job, so I kept my attention on it and pretended that all of what happened had just been a phase.

That was a bad choice.

Right after I did that, I became depressed. Severely depressed. My mental health spiraled down and nothing felt right anymore. I lost motivation, I lost enthusiasm, I lost interest in things I used to enjoy. Looking back now, I knew it was because I had lost myself.

When it reached a low point, I told myself I had to go back and try again. I had to dig deeper, do some self-reflecting. After all, all of those experiences I had - they had to have meant something. So, I took to the internet again and I researched.

I researched for months. I allowed myself to feel again. To feel my phantom limbs, to let myself shift. When I did, everything flowed back and I felt whole again, but still confused. What first came back was what I thought to be canine. So I analyzed and researched, but then I had moments where it felt like I was a feline. So I analyzed and I researched. I made journals to write down what I experienced, what I felt, what triggered my forms and shifts.

I spent a year doing this and, finally, I had what I call my second awakening.

Looking through all of my notes, I had narrowed it down to either being canine or feline. I shared traits with both and, despite having moments where I would cameo into other forms, it always returned to one of those. I looked into animals that shared their traits and that's when I realized the fox.

After researching foxes and learning about them, I finally felt that tug - that pull. I was going in the right direction.

For a few months, I stuck with the fox identity, thinking I was a fox therian, but I kept having cameo shifts. I kept having moments where my form would just shift and I would feel phantom limbs of other animals/creatures. Wings, scales, larger paws, larger ears, fluffy fur, thing fur. It hadn't stopped despite thinking I had found out what I was.

That's when I decided to look up fox plus shifters.

彡 ⇢ ˗ˏˋ Kitsune ࿐ྂ

Finally, it all clicked. That was it. That was what I was.

I don't know how to best describe it, but when I realized I was a kitsune, I felt like something within me unlocked. As if I had been trapped for so long and I finally reached the key, setting myself free.

Afterwards, I started to have flashbacks - memories in my dreams of sights, sounds, and images. The more it happened, the more I learned and that has led me to where I am today.

That is my awakening experience. Today, I am a kitsune and proud to be one. Although my shapeshifting ability was annoying at first, it's fun to have now that I can control it.

Anyways, thank you for reading!

[absolutebl]

Wading back into the BL world after several months away, and I would like to politely request recommendations. I'm looking for completed BL shows that are as good as Bad Buddy, have a D/s element, are supernatural, and/or are about politics like Not Me. Any or all of these combined would be lovely. I prefer Thai, but any country is fine.

You're the best!

Hi sweetie! Welcome back.

Recently completed BL, as good as Bad Buddy (I rated that a 9/10) with D/s elements, supernatural (PNR), and/or politics.

Okay so I sorted the spreadsheet of doom by year (we are in October 2024) and then ranking, and here is what I got:

Century of Love

Thai Gaga

fated mates, PNR, historical element, grumpy/sunshine, D/s hinted at but not fully executed

This is a very pretty drama about a young man who fell in love with a nice girl 100 years ago, and when she died in his arms, he was cursed to live until he could meet her reborn self. Only this time around, she’s reborn into the body of a man. Or is she? I love it when Thailand gets all up in its own historical business and reincarnation and shizz. I like this pair (it’s not DaouOffroad’s fault I didn’t enjoy their first series.) Daou’s wushu is snazzy and we got a unique meet cute. (Erm… Remeet cute? Meet cute 2.0?)

Ultimately, this is I Feel You Linger in the Air + First Love Again, rather than (as one might expect) Until We Meet Again or The Director Who Buys Me Dinner. The leads turned in great performances, although Daou outclassed everybody else on that screen. It’s a good story and a great BL and I can’t find any major faults with it beyond a certain level of camp that is sadly endemic to lakorns. Also I’m going to give it credit as the kind of BL that one could safely recommend to lovers of melodrama and historical romance, without having to qualify it as “good for a BL.”

It was, to put it succinctly, a VERY ENJOYABLE show.

Cherry Magic (Thai remake)

Thai grey

paranormal, office romance, no D/s

A soft charming warm hug of a show about crushes and mind reading and self worth that really worked for me. With no-fuss execution from a consummate team (at GMMTV) and an OG lead pair (proving why they remain eternal and deserve to grow up). Look, here’s the thing,

Cherry Magic is a great Thai BL in its own right - not comparing it to any other iteration. But even when I do compare (and I've seen all the Cherries and read the manga) it stands strong. I, personally, like the Thai BL slightly better than the Japanese live action yaoi, but I think that’s because I just really enjoy Thai BL's style and I LOVE TayNew.

Also all the kissing was both present and better in this version. As it should be from Thailand.

Cosmetic Playlover

Japan Gaga

obsession, office, tsundere/sunshine , claiming, ownership D/s but nothing more than that

I loved this little show. It was a classic office BL about the older workaholic who loves his job and the younger upstart who unexpectedly loves his boss. It’s a hyung romance where everybody is extremely earnest and sweet and pretty about everything. Except our seme, who is slightly unhinged and a little obsessed in all the ways one likes best from Japan. Plus the kisses were good! I can’t ask for anything more, utterly charming unexpected gem of a show. What a great time!

Love For Love's Sake

Korea iQIYI

isekai, paranormal, high school setting, very soft, sunshine/tsundere, it's Korean so no D/s (the only one that might satisfy from them recently is bully romance Jazz for Two)

trigger suicide

Isekai-based KBL is about a man who must win a game by convincing a reserved teen outcast to fall in love with him. Of course, that teen represents himself and his own unhappiness. Like many queer narratives, this show is actually about self worth, trust, and found family, and it is VERY on the nose. But I don’t expect subtlety from my BL and I enjoyed it's truly lovely redemption arc and earnest performances.

I personally found the narrative a touch disjointed with overworked filming angles and poorer than average captions, but the consistency of tone, script, and immersion is beyond the norm for BL. You will drown in this show and like it that way. The leads have fantastic chemistry and it's ultimately highly rewatchable and utterly charming, which counts for a lot.

The Sign

Thai YouTube

paranormal, soulmates, sunshine/tsundere, high heat, police procedural, every other trope, there's even some elements of D/s in there because it has...... well, everything in it

This show is literally everything (except straight) all at once. It's BL, queer, band of brothers, romcom, erotica, PNR, fated mates, police procedural, fantasy, mystery, suspense, and slasher. It’s the king of genre mash-up chaos. Sure, it's madness but there is genius in it.

Was it a crazy unhinged mess +1 roll for damage? Yes. Yes it was.

Did it manage to hold all those tangled threads together? No it did not.

Was it also a charming, sexy, engaging, non-stop piece of entertainment? Sure thing.

I think this show is basically my KinnPorsche, and frankly I’ve been chasing that dragon naga since KP aired. Is it perfect? No. But it was balls to the wall FUN. Emphasis on balls.

I rated it a 9/10 in 2024 but doesn't contain any of your other requested criteria

Sugar Dog Life

The Rebound

Unknown

Wandee Goodday

We Are

Sorry the D/s has been very light on the ground this year. I mean there has been some kinky stuff, but nothing even approaching BB in terms of quality. I mean Deep Night was about sex work and had a poly romance but was it...... good? Not really.

I rated it an 8/10 but at least it has kink

My Stand-in

Meet You At the Blossom

Jazz for Two

Deep Night

[rosethornewrites]

T & G reading since 10/30

Finished

Teen:

a Ghost and a Requiem, by 7potato (🔒)

Wei Wuxian was dead.

He didn't remember much, but that's nothing new. He had mere flashes of reality that broke their way through the fog of... wherever he was.

His clearest memory was of a song.

Or: Wei Wuxian remembers what happened to him while he was dead. Things change accordingly.

The Nerd and the Jade Prince, by Asmayi

Best friends Wangxian drift apart as they grow older Or so Wei Ying thinks.

A fic created from a threadfic

you and me, by googiefvcks

lan wangji is hiding wei wuxian in cloud recesses and they're safe, for now. but the weight of the world is on their shoulders and some friendly banter can quickly turn into some deep, painful, emotional talks.

major plot spoilers warning!!

Demonic Possession and other Misconceptions, by LegacyWorks (🔒, 3 chapters)

Wei Wuxian knows from a young age that he’s a spirit. It’s the only thing that makes sense. This body clearly isn’t his, there’s no way. It doesn’t look right. Every so often he sends a quick thanks and a prayer to the Wei Ying who died all those years ago, the one whose body he’s inhabited his entire conscious life. He hopes that the original Wei Ying’s parents are with him now, even if Wei Wuxian misses them.

It takes meeting Huaisang to realize that maybe Wei Wuxian isn’t actually possessing his body. What even is gender.

this river runs to you, by sundiscus

Framed by the soft morning light, sleek hair swept back and pale blue robes not even slightly rumpled, he looks almost inhuman.

He looks like the last person who should be knocking on Wei Wuxian’s door.

In which Wei Wuxian is a curse worker secretly searching for a lost dragon, Lan Wangji is his new assistant, and the two things may not be entirely unrelated.

And The World Went On, by GrapefruitSketches

Day 12: Rebirth (Untamed Spring Fest 2020)

Lan Xichen leaves seclusion. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji persuade him to talk to them about it.

Wei Ying has a very weird day and Wen Chao gets threatened, by Backwards_and_forwards_unpredictively (2 chapters)

In the middle of the Wen Archery competition, the Yiling Lazou drops in. Literally.

(AKA Various drabbles where Older!Wei Wuxian drops in on 15/16 year old Wei Ying)

General:

Loving You From Where I Stand, by GusuBunnie

It hasn’t been long since Wei Ying moved into his new apartment— a mere 6 months, but nonetheless, he loves it. The place was cozy and suitable for a single person like him. Every convenient stop was within walking vicinity and it was a very nice neighborhood. But the most alluring thing, for Wei Ying, was the handsome man who lived in the complex across from his.

Or

Wei Ying is helplessly and deeply in love with his neighbor even though they have never talked.

Jin Zixuan Does the Time Warp, by marigold_sigil (🔒)

Happy endings are not created by wet noodles like Jin Zixuan. Maybe if Lady Fate pushes him two decades into the past hard enough, he’ll actually manage to pull it off. Neither of them think this will really work. Jin Zixuan should have more faith in himself.

Or : How Jin Zixuan trips and stumbles his way into making friends, subsequently keeping everyone alive except the people who don’t deserve it.

Painted Fans, by LaenaEverwood

There are rumors of cultivators randomly falling unconscious in this remote town near Qishan, the victims passing away within a few weeks.

Recently it had claimed another victim.

"Hanguang-jun, I have been given news that may be of great importance. It is from the head disciple Lan Sizhui, regarding Senior Wei."

The brush in Lan Wangji's grip nearly snaps within it's strength.

Or, wwx is found unconscious under an unknown spell, and everyone isn't stopping until he wakes up from his sleep.

redemption, repentance, by stiltonbasket

Five months after the Sunshot Campaign, Jin Zixuan travels to Lotus Pier to ask for Jiang Yanli's hand in marriage.

Waiting on the Night Hunt, by JustAWanderingBabbit (🔒, 10 chapters)

A few post-novel pieces wherein Wen Ning gets some respect. Though he has to work for it.

C1: The Abyss Looks Back

C2: Finding a Use for Stray Dogs

C3: Stepping out of Isolation

C4: Blissful Ignorance, Wretched Knowledge

C5: The Dead Travel Fast

C6: An Arrow's Flight

C7: Learning Experiments

C8: Hide & Seek

C9: The Price of a Thing (read before Pieces of Us fic if you're reading that one too.)

c10: Home is the Hunter

there's a world inside where dreamers meet each other, by harborshore

Lan Zhan dreams. And waits.

Lan Zhan gets glasses…and Wei Ying sees things differently…, by Liebing

This fic is inspired by this adorable art that @kunogi drew from my suggestion on Twitter!

Lan Zhan in glasses

One day Lan Zhan comes to school wearing glasses and Wei Ying loses his god damn mind…

painted in light, by curiositea (🔒, 2nd in a series)

Sometimes Lan Qiren wonders if his nephew resents the rabbits, even if only a little, for making it impossible to completely bury his grief. Are they companions or yet another reminder? Lan Qiren has always prided himself on knowing his nephews, understanding A-Zhan’s reserve and A-Huan’s polite façade. But, without the rabbits, he wonders if he would know just how deep—how down to the marrow, the very atom—A-Zhan’s grief goes.

—

or, a small meditation on a loved one's grief.

I Tried to Be Nice, But My Boyfriend's Bunnies Want To Beet You Up, by katje (🔒, 2nd in a series)

If you had told Wei Ying a few months ago that he would be desperately trying to hold two twenty-five-pound rabbits (who were far heavier than they should be because of their indulgent fathers who were incapable of refusing them treats) back from completely decimating Awful Su She’s stock of bok choy while trying to run his own booth at the Farmer’s Market, he would’ve laughed at the absurdity of the mental image of that statement.

But, dear reader, that was not only a mental image, but Wei Ying’s reality every week for the entire summer season.

OR

Wei Ying and his continuing battle to have one (1) moment of peace at the Farmer's Market

since then i am because you are, by sarahyyy

Lan Wangji nods. “If you must marry,” he says again, “don’t let it be with anyone else.”

“I don’t think you understand the concept of marriage, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says with a smile. “I don’t think I can marry myself.” He lets out a laugh at the thought, before Lan Wangji’s words click in his head. “Unless you mean…”

Lan Wangji holds his gaze.

“Jiang Cheng?” Wei Wuxian asks incredulously.

Unfinished

Teen:

Rabbit Charm, by aoeros (🔒)

“You gotta promise me that when you’re back home and settled in, I’ll be the first you come to see. Because I’m going to miss you more than anyone else will, Lán Zhàn. Except your brother, of course.”

“Of course. I promise to come find you first after I’ve settled back in.”

“Great! Then I promise to call you whenever I can. And, I will definitely not forget you.”

I got kidnapped by a model???, by yamadori (Katsumi27)

In retrospect, it was only a matter of time. As much as he wanted it and believed it to be possible, it was silly to think he could get through art school on Madame Yu's dollar. No, it's definitely better this way.

Wei Wuxian finally gets kicked out of art school. In the past three months not a soul from his old life has heard from him and he'd like to keep it that way thank you very much. And although it's been far from easy, things are starting to look up for him. That is, until he's dragged bodily into a world of vanity and flashing lights that he has no business being in and shoved into the arms of the worlds most gorgeous man (or at least man-shaped heavenly being, Wei Wuxian is convinced he can't be mortal).

Lean On Me (An Anthology of Jin Ling's Uncles), by thesassyredvulpes

Six months after the events of the Guanyin Temple, the sixteen-year-old Jin Ling rises to his new role as Clan Leader Jin. As the youngest clan leader in history, he faces challenges and looks to different figures in his life for guidance.

Six men individually offer their insight to the young man, and through him, recall their own stories and identities.

A collection of short stories, inspired by the song lyrics of "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers. Borrows both canons of the Untamed and The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, but leans more towards the live-action.

Story One: Sorrow (Jiang Cheng)

General:

An Unforseen Shift, by Remma3760

Wei Wuxian found a resentful sword deep in the bowels of a famed beast. He took it. That turned out to be fortunate since, it would seem, the sword had more than one purpose. That sword was the key to their escape from certain death trapped in the cave of the Slaughter Xuanwu.

The Unintended, by Indelible_Faith (TheWaterGoddess), Thedivinewriter_20

Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang have a perfect plan. Get Lan Wangji to confess how much Wei Wuxian annoys him out loud. And Jin Zixuan to confess his ill-treatment of Jiang Yanli in a similar manner.

Perhaps “confess” was the wrong word used here… because this is not turning out how they imagined it, at all!

[untilnextchapter]

Monthly Fanfictions Recommandation: September'23

Here are my best discoveries from the last weeks

🍬 The Authors

@kquil : a gentle author, writing about the Marauders, her writing will bring you peace and the writings are so soft. I love seeing her theme on my computer and seeing her icon on my dash is always a sign that I will read something good.

@luveline : you don't know if you want to read an Aaron Hotchner story or a good Marauder one? You don't need to change to another page, here is the wonderful Jade. She's so talented and you won't be disappointed if you want to check her work.

@thatfanficstuff : when I discovered this blog, I didn't know where I should go first. So many fandoms I love, so many characters, so many stories... So many comfort shows and so, comforting times after work. And sometimes, it's all I need. A gentle person writing some sweet stories.

@luci-in-trenchcoats : I read a few stories a few months ago but, I recently re-discovered this amazing author. With her works, I was back into Supernatural. So many hours spent at reading about our favourite hunters, so many series. And the best of the best: the writing skills are so great and it's so easy to read... Waow, just waow.

@imagineteamfreewill : Fluffy Supernatural fics and a lot of good AUs, all I need after a hard day at work. Meg is an excellent writer and you will spend a good time, I promise. I haven't read everything yet but, I know I have a few a good escapes in perspective. Don't hesitate , you will enjoy your time reading, I hope as much as I'm doing.

@anika-ann : I'm in my Marvel phase, I'm weak, I know. And, I think I found someone that could quench my thirst with so many good stories and good writing skills. I could spend hours reading about Steve Rogers. And I know I've found an unique writer because I loved a crossover story. I usually hate that. But here I am, reading a Criminal Minds / Avengers story and loving it. Thank you for that.

@crazyunsexycool : Another "Val", it can only be someone nice, right? But really, a sweetheart, someone with so much imagination, and a way to write about children... And I know what I'm talking about, I'm working in a nursery. It's so great to read something accurate when it's a subject you know. And except for the children, she's always here to answer your questions, being nice and taking time for her followers. I hadn't asked to be add into a taglist for a story for a long time. You won't be disappointed if you want to make a stop here.

🍭 The Stories

* = Smut (Minors DNI) || 🦋 = Series || Beware of the TW please

Not so secret admirer || @kquil (Remus Lupin x Reader, you can't hide your adoration for remus lupin and often end up staring at him, good thing he thinks you're really cute)

A star between hands 🦋 || @luveline (James Potter x Reader, finding out you’re princess isn’t half as intimidating as your new bodyguard, James. mutual pining, fluff)

if things go bad || @/luveline (Aaron Hotchner x Reader, Hotch rushes to get to you when you call him during a home invasion. angst, hurt/comfort)

True Mate 🦋 || @thatfanficstuff (Peter Hale x Reader)

Remember me || @/thatfanficstuff (Thranduil x Reader)

I Know Your Brother || @luci-in-trenchcoats (Sam Winchester x Reader, The reader is pulled out of Hell accidentally by Sam Winchester who’s wondering where his brother is…)

A Safe Mistake 🦋 || @/luci-in-trenchcoats (Nanny!Dean x Single Parent!reader, Dean’s in need of some extra cash to help Sam pay for his tuition and gets a job working as a nanny for the reader’s young son. As Dean becomes ingrained in the reader’s life though, he soon becomes more than just the nanny to them both…)

Beauty and the Beast 🦋 || @imagineteamfreewill (Dean Winchester x Reader AU, Living in a village is nice, and even though you’d always longed for adventure, you weren’t expecting to go on an adventure of your own anytime soon. But as soon as you take your father’s place as the prisoner of a Beast who lives in an enchanted castle, you’re surprised that adventure isn’t all it’s cracked up to be—and neither are monsters)

Daisy || @/imagineteamfreewill (Sam Winchester x Deaf!Daughter!Reader, Sam breaks some bad news to his daughter, who’s deaf, and watches her start to grow up without her mother)

Love on the Brain 🦋 || @anika-ann (Steve Rogers x Reader / Crossover MCU-Criminal Minds, You found menacing pictures of you friend, colleague and neighbour Steve in your mailbox.   Someone might play it off as a bad joke, but you were an agent for the Avengers Initiative and a former FBI agent. You’ve seen cases like this and you were taking no chances. Not with Steve of all people. But you were going to need help; enter the BAU)

Hands Too Cold, but Heart of Gold 🦋 || @/anika-ann (Steve Rogers x Reader, Matt Murdock x Reader, You officially joined the Avengers only two months ago and you’re about to take off to yet another mission. Cap would like to have some extra help on this one – but the Avengers have approached the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen before and he made it pretty clear how he felt about it. Of course, this time it’s you who got stuck with trying to convince him once again. “I still don’t understand why it’s not you coming, oh Star Spangled Man with a Plan.” “I do have a plan. I have you.”)

Heart’s Munition 🦋 || @crazyunsexycool (Mob boss!Steve Rogers x Maid!Reader. I can't copy and paste all the resume but I swear, you'll love it. A bit of surprise but it's worth the world)

My little love * 🦋 || @/crazyunsexycool (Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader. Really long resume but in short, Bucky, Reader, children, Papa and Mama bears, great scenario, you'll love it I promise!)

That's all, for now.

Don't hesitate to share the stories you liked and tell the writers you enjoy their works, it always means a lot to them ❤️

Have a good reading,

Val 🌸

[sweet-honey-tears]

No, I’m Not Leaving🪶

Keigo Takami x GN! Reader

Hi everyone! Here’s the result from the poll! I think I may have gone a bit off from my own prompt but it should be okay. There is reference to a recent Hawks post I made in this!

Warning: maybe an implication of sex(depends on how you take it), swearing

Spoiler but warning?: Hawks does almost get forced into a relationship with a woman. So if that’s triggering, I wouldn’t read

“We just think you should display more affection to your fans. Like you did 3 years ago.”

Hawks paused, thoughts twirled in his mind as he tried his hardest to understand what was being asked. They didn’t mean the flirty way he acted before he started to date you? Right? But the way you looked at him, soft eyes filled with concern only clarified his thoughts…The phone, which was on speaker, kept going.

“Like before you found it”

“Ha I’m sorry wanna remind me what it is? Because Endeavor isn't here.” Hawks joked, but tension lay in his eyebrows. Your hand reached over to his, squeezing his fingers in your palm. This wasn't going to go well…. Anyone could see it.

“Your ‘chickadee’, is what we mean Hawks. They’re becoming a problem.” Hawks tensed slightly and you could sense the shift in his feathers. Things that usually were overlooked by the public, but not you. You could see the slight change in his eyes. How they oh so subtly became sharper. More pointed and slanted.

“I don’t see a problem with them. Quite far from it actually.”

“They’ve changed you, you don’t act the same!” They were guilt-tripping him- trying to at least.

“Yeah for the better.”

“You don’t interact with fans the same-“

“You mean I don’t flirt constantly? I think if I did my image would take a heavy toll considering almost everyone in Japan knows I’m in a committed relationship.”

It took a while to get to his current behaviors, IE his current level of flirty-ness. He couldn’t go cold turkey with his flirty ways, it would be suspicious. And thankfully, you understood that. You actually told him it would be smarter to ease off slowly so it wouldn’t be to noticeable. That being said, it did still make moments in those past years tense, when a fan would get too handsy at the ‘Single’ and ‘Eligible’ Hero. But Keigo always made sure afterward to show you you’re his one and only.

But when word broke a year and a half in, shit got crazy. Some fan excepted it and others revolted. They hadn’t even seen your face, just you in a giant coat walking with the pro hero on a fall day. Your finger intertwined. The commission tried to persuade him and subtly weaken your relationship. In one instance they sent him on a 5-month mission with minimal contact. But you were still here.

There was silence over the phone.

“They don’t look right with your image.” Of fucking course. “ They look shabby! And they’re not even a hero, far from it, they’re a civilian.” Hawk's fingers weaved into yours, squeezing them tight, trying to ground himself. “Need I remind you you aren't supposed to even be dating? You have one person on your arm for the main hero event and that’s it.” There was a pause, “but since you feel so inclined to need a relationship-“ You let a silent hiss of anger leave your lips at the audacity. “we’ve contacted the agency in America, and they’re sending over one of their top heroes for you. Her name is Moon Light and she’s a lot fitter-“

“No”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said no.”

Moon Light: some stuck-up hero he met once during a recruiting event. Her image evolved around money and fame. Yeah, she was pretty-  gorgeous really, and she was fit. But she was a hero so it was expected. She trained to endure the worst and be the best. But fuck that, you were the best. Your beauty topped hers. Your kindness and honesty could drown the little bit of humanity that woman had.

“I’m not leaving them for her”

“Hawks I don’t think you realize that you don’t have a choice.”

“No, I do.” You stared at Keigo, your mouth agape. He hadn’t ever used the tone of voice before, at least not in front of you and especially not when talking to the commission. “Because I’ll make my relationship TRUELY public if I have to. And I’ll have fans support it to a point of god-like status.” You heard a sharp inhale on the other line.

You’re eyes scanned his, there was no hint of a lie. You may just become a public figure soon. And that’s okay. At least you’d still be with him.

“Hawks-“

“And if our relationship then ‘comes apart’ due to you- I will quickly bring into spotlight Miss Moon Light, And I will watch with glee as my support tanks”

“You wouldn’t”

“Trust me, they mean more to me than this.”

Silence. “We’ll get back to you… but consider our-“

“No” He hung up.

[houseofbrat]

Submission: Catherine's Flex

I read an analysis of American blogger who doesn’t follow the BRF and had some frankly whackadoodle theories on other aspects of the current situation, but she did say something that struck a chord with me. That Catherine was on strike. This makes so much more sense to me than this cancer diagnosis and treatment that don’t jive with any standard medical protocols. Either she’s battling for her life, or she’s told the BRF to stuff it. Something happened. I doubt we will ever know what it is, but it's major. She’s been seen out-and-about with the kids so it’s obvious that she’s healthy enough to do the school run. That statement that she’s getting support from her “birth family,” I see as a grenade thrown squarely at her husband, pin pulled, everything. She’s pissed. This flies in the face of all these bullshit reports that William is by her side 24-7, feeding her tea with an eye-dropper type of devotion. Nope. The thing about a person like Catherine, she’s very loving and forgiving until a point. When you betray her, there’s no turning back. I think she’s done with the BRF for the near future. Some enormous betrayal happened over the Christmas holidays. I’m at the point where I question even if she’s ever been ill.

—————————-

YUP!

I think Kate was having problems before Christmas, but that’s because I noticed her “dead eyes” in the Christmas card photo, which was taken before December 2023. 

But did you notice in the US Weekly story how it said Will & Kate are “reconnecting”?

The reprieve is a welcome one for the couple. “The announcement that the royals won’t be able to work as much has been unexpected, but it will allow Kate and William to spend more time together,” says the second source. “They’ve been reconnecting and are closer than ever.”

WHY do they suddenly need to “reconnect”? Were they disconnected at some point this year? Or late last year?

Just less than two months ago, Rebecca English published a story about how William couldn’t go back to full-time duties just yet. 

And William has found himself facing a new battle: one that has struck at the very foundation of everything he holds dear.

One can only imagine the weight on his shoulders at seeing both his adored wife and his father facing serious simultaneous health crises, while also trying to protect his three young children from this devastating blow to their little world.

And while, fortunately, the King appears to be responding well to treatment and is hopeful of taking up more forward-facing public duties in the near future, recent events will have been a stark reminder of what awaits the Wales’ in the not so distant future.

It is why, although his appearances today were both welcome and heartfelt, we should not expect to see a wholesale return to royal duties for the prince.

Instead, I understand, he is likely to undertake one or two public engagements each week - often on the same day in order to minimise time away from Kate and the children - as well as continuing with his usual behind-the-scenes work.He will, I am told, almost certainly take some sort of role around the 80th anniversary of the D-Day landings in June, as well as attending Trooping the Colour and the annual Order of the Garter service and, perhaps, one of the annual summer garden parties for worthy community heroes.

So…right after William’s four-week Easter break with the kids, he could only work ONE DAY PER WEEK due to needing TO BE WITH KATE. But two months later they are “reconnecting”?!

OH-kay.

But really, this goes back to January when Kate was at The London Clinic, and William allegedly visited her there every day. Or–more specifically–we were told he visited her every day, he was only photographed leaving ONCE. 

I have always wondered why William and his motorcade were never papped either arriving or leaving the area of The London Clinic except for that ONE DAY. The place was crawling with paps, and not a single one of them got a photo of William’s motorcade in the area any other day Kate was there. Not a single one.

People can say that he used the back entrance. Fine. But William still has to travel to the back entrance in his motorcade before he can walk in the back entrance. And yet–AND YET–his motorcade was never papped traveling to the back entrance from any angle on those days he was allegedly visiting privately.

It has long been my opinion that William was NOT there those other days. He didn’t visit because Kate didn’t want to see him. At all.

By the way, have you seen https://whereiskatemiddleton.com?

Complete with a counter on how long it’s been since Kate was seen out and about in public on Christmas Day.

[tinf0ilhatt]

Saw your recent post about everything being okay.

I can't get a job where I live rn and I don't want to leave my fur babies at home for any length of time.

I'm audhd. I have cptsd and anxiety.

I am not okay. I can't support myself and I'm barely holding it together.

I've been unemployed for months. I'm 35 years old.

I'm brown/mixed race

I'm neurodivergent af

The only real friends I have live in Portland.

Maybe I am unlucky. Maybe I do deserve this somehow. But I doubt it, based on what I know of people.

I've spent my whole life dedicated to becoming a better person and I have nothing to show for it. Except my willingness to understand others and compassion.

And my body which I worked REALLY hard for (weightlifting)

I am sick and tired. All the time. I've always felt like that but I've hit my 3rd burnout in 1 year. Not great. Probably the worse I've ever done it.

All my bills are behind. The only money I get is from the kindness of strangers. And that's after I've begged dozens of people and like 3 help.

If you could reblog my pinned post that would be awesome.

I'm just trying to leave the state I'm in. Even the Trans Resistance Network people I've been working with been shitty and cagey.

Thanks for reading.

(There's a lot of anger and bitterness in my life and therefore on my blog. Just a fyi)

Hey man, I'm sorry things are going to shit for you right now. I can honestly say I've been there. A couple of years ago I was living in Louisville, KY eating beans with no job in sight and no money to speak of. Later, when I graduated from law school I was making $1800 a month at a clerkship with my rent taking $1200. I borrowed countless amounts of money from friends and family for years until I got my feet under me. These days I'm recovering from poverty and living is tight, but it's better.

It's not your fault, it's a combination of circumstances, location, and timing, and it's absolute shit.

What finally broke my streak of unemployment and low-paying gigs was getting a job in my home state - Alaska - and moving back home. There's a lot of work here, but high cost of living. Depending on your qualifications, employers will pay for you to move to the place where the work is.

Above all, DONT use a sites like Indeed etc. They're full of ghost positions and odds are your application will never get seen by a human being. Look directly on the websites of the places you would like to apply to.

If you're looking for remote work so you can be with your pets and have space for neurodivergence, look for HR gigs or the like at a university. Universities have a lot of remote work, and a lot of smaller staff jobs that are easier to get your foot in the door. Additionally, I've found that my neurodivergence and queerness find greater acceptance in a university setting.

Keep your head up dude, it's shit but you will find work and better circumstances. Get a shitty job, then a less shitty job, and circumstances will slowly, slowly, improve. It really will.

[homestuckdailyweekly]

Homestuck Daily - Week 4/End of Month 1 - 5/11/2024

Today marks the end of the first month of my real time Homestuck reread. If my math is correct (and that is a big if), I have 83 months of reading Homestuck left. Based on some more math, I first read Homestuck roughly 50 months ago. I don't know what point I am making with this, except for the fact that time is long and strange.

If I am being honest, I am finding it a hard time to write this update, because it feels like basically nothing happened this entire week. It probably doesn't help that I've been playing Hades 2, an extremely fun and good game, all week. So everything I have to say about this week of Homestuck is colored by an implicit "And I read this instead of playing Hades 2 in that exact moment." Hell, I could be playing Hades 2 right now, but I am writing this instead.

In case you haven't noticed, dear reader that definitely exists, I don't exactly know what I'm doing with this one here. I know, after I worked so hard on developing a strict and rewarding format these past few weeks, I'm throwing it all away to ramble here and now. The thing you need to know about me, though, is that I make terrible decisions. Always have, always will. I promise I'll get to a point, but we'll get there on my own time.

Where was I. Oh right. 50 months ago. Valentines Day 2020. That was the day I began my first Homestuck read through. My girlfriend at the time- she would break up with me a few months later for non-Homestuck related reasons- was a Homestuck fan, and had tried and failed to convince me to read the comic before. We even spent a date night playing friend sim, which I tried my best not to be confused by. Well, Valentines day came, and I decided I would finally relent to my girlfriend's recommendation, and I spent the day reading Homestuck in my college dorm room. And when I started, I did not stop. Not for a long time. You see, it was a Friday, a Friday very early in the semester, in fact. I had nothing I needed to do and 3 whole days where I did not need to treat myself as a human being. I denied myself food, water, sleep, and human dignity as I read Homestuck, all the while texting my girlfriend my reactions. I think the only time I took a break that weekend was on Saturday, to play in a Vampire the Requiem game I had recently joined. I don't know exactly how far through Homestuck I had gotten when I attended the game- but it was further than a person should be less than 24 hours after starting the webcomic.

Which brings me to my point. How quickly into my binge did I get to the parts of this comic that has now taken me a month to reach? An hour? Less than that? I don't know and am unwilling to do the work to find that out. I don't think I had gone all-in on Homestuck at this point, but I do remember being entertained by the Sylladex fuckery that was going on. I found it intriguing, this little puzzle of mechanics, the audience and John struggling against an unintuitive game mechanic that refused to make things easy. That was 50 months ago. So far on my read through, all I really feel as I get to each new gag about Sylladexes is "Oh, today is just this, huh." A part of me is sad and disappointed these gags aren't landing for me in the way they once had. A part of me is worried what else in this comic will suffer with the addition of time. But then I got to the last page of this week's updates, page 137, a loading animation for SBURB set to Sburban Jungle by Michael Guy Bowman, and that worry melts away.

Sburban Jungle is a song that lights my imagination ablaze with visions of epic machinations. I am the kind of person who listens to music not just because I like a song, but because that song puts images in my head that I can't tear myself from exploring as fully as I can. Even back when I was a kid in highschool, I would spend my bus rides home listing to my ipod, imagining grand adventures and fantastic scenes set to whatever music I was listening to. Sburban Jungle brings me back to those days, I think. That feeling that I find so hard to describe right now is part of why I love Homestuck, I think. It is a story about 4 kids, friends, playing a game together. A game where anything can be possible. A game where music brings actions scenes of epic and mythical scale- like the kind I would think about on the bus ride home- to life. That game hasn't started yet, we are still playing a game I'd like to call "Inventory Management if the Inventory Management hated you". But we'll get there eventually.

I have read Homestuck in realtime for 1 month. I will continue this for 83 more months. There'll be many months where I read nothing, and I'll need to think up something to post during those weeks. There'll be months where I'll struggle to keep everything I want to discuss in individual coherent posts. Homestuck is a land of contrasts, and I am going to experience those contrasts in the fullness of time's length. This is a terrible idea, but those are my favorite kinds.

Now that this is written and done with, time to play some more Hades 2.

[catthefearless]

Where do I start...?

Blog post ahead:

So this past 1.5-2 years has been an interesting roller coaster ride emotionally and physically. I had a moderate case of Covid 2 years ago that sent my health into an avalanche of issues that took a damn long time to resolve. One of them was my asthma went into overdrive and just when I thought it was better, my booster a year ago sent it backwards. Basically, I had an allergic reaction to the booster shot, something that isn’t discussed much! I’ve been reacting negatively to a lot of immunizations over the past few years and this one was no exception.

I’ve switched health care providers 4 times in the past 2 years because I would reach a point with them where they didn’t believe me about certain things and when I pushed back, they became unreasonable. The first one told me I was lucky my O2 sats were in the low 90s after struggling to recover from Covid for over 1.5 months. She refused to do anything more for me and I had had enough of her bad attitude. My rheumatologist prescribed steroids which helped me breath a bit easier but the other dr couldn’t be bothered by that!

Enough about health for now other than to say, it’s still mess but I’m managing.

The love life of a 61 yo single woman just post pandemic has been interesting. Mostly, not meeting anyone too special until I met Robert 1.5 yrs ago. We seemed compatible at first but then I didn’t read his love language well and was disappointed a whole lot. I walked away from him a year ago after almost 5 months of trying to make things work. HIs mom passed away the end of February and I had one of my “Angel” dreams so I looked it up and sure enough, I found out she had passed. I reached out to him and gave him my condolences and kept moving but a little voice in the back of my head kept saying to keep trying. I did again and in August we saw each other for the first time in 8 months. It was like no time had passed and only knew and remembered the good stuff. He is totally ADHD and that’s where the communication break down happened so I learned to just let go and trust and he keeps coming back to me. I love that my neurodivergence compliments his. Anyway, I finally got to see him yesterday after 2.5 weeks apart and it was just briefly but it firmly cemented in my mind that he really does care for me and wants me in his life. All I had to do is trust and let go and now it’s coming around to me again and it feels so freaking awesome!! More on Robert another time.  

My business is still having a rough start up again and I just recently cancelled an out of town trip for a convention because I don’t trust my roommate will properly care for my ailing doggo. She has two major health issues right now and it’s kinda all consuming to me and my attention right now.  No income and more debt due to thousands in vet bills! It’s only money and somehow I’ll get through this too.

Anyway, just a brief update and hope to be posting more fan fics soon!

@lathalea  @deepestfirefun @theincaprincess @september-stardust  @ramus-mortium  @pixiedurango  @fizzyxcustard @cd1242 @abiwim @bellevox @patanghill17 @armitageadoration @blankdblank @tomssweetbouquet  @sun-flxwer @calicoskatts @ra-of-light @amarabliss @thorins-magnificent-ass @fandomgalcentral @xxbyimm  @shikin83 @replicant1955 @rachel1959 @sherala007 @leah-halliwell92 @ceres27  @notyourmartyr @sweeticedtea @raychellefay @enter-fandom  

[away-ward]

hi, i’ve always been too shy to comment or send asks before but i’m making this my first bc i wanted to let you know how much i appreciate your work! i read your hell yeah fanfic a couple of months ago & when i stumbled upon it again recently & found a whole master list worth of fanfics added, i was super ecstatic & read all of them in one go hahaha

my personal favourites are reality & arrival <3 reality bc their conversation in the carfax room was so in line w their characters, it just re-emphasised how much i wish we got more of willemmy outside of blackchurch. having a scene like that in nightfall would’ve really grounded them as a couple in the present. all the snippets from the first three books plus the high school chapters of willemmy were such good buildup only to have the willalexaydin bs instead 🤧 anyways, i have a soft spot for arrival too. to have the damon & indie dynamic play out like that makes so much sense! damon & will already have such a strong & unique bond so for will, of all his friends, to have the first girl in the group would definitely make their relationship extra special.

on a side note, your post abt aydin being a few years older than canon made me lose my shit btw since i completely agree 😩 whenever i’m in my devil’s night brain rot, i always pictured him like 6 years older especially w how penelope douglas was trying to portray aydin & emory together. oh & your timeline for the character’s ages made me happy! it never occurred to me for will to be the oldest of the horsemen (which i’ve seen a few ppl comment on). given his may birthdate, i just assumed he was born the following year after michael, kai, & damon were. i mean, it makes sense right?? he’s the baby of the four. i could be wrong but then that would mean damon is the youngest which i refuse to imagine for some reason given all the shit he’s been up to 💀

this post is getting longer than i expected & i could probably continue rambling on but i just wanted to thank you again for your contribution 🙏🏽 this fandom has practically a drought in fan fiction unless it’s for second gen but seeing as kaibanks & willemmy (my biases) were done dirty in the series, your account has truly been such a gem to follow.

It’s nice to hear from you!! I’ve definitely been on the fence about whether to reach out to someone or not but I’m so happy that you decided to leave this message. It really made my day.

I feel that ‘reality’ is the closest I’ve ever come to getting Em and Will right. I also a snuck in a few references that are dear to me, so it’s special in my eyes, despite its needed edits. It was originally a request, so I can’t take all the credit for it, but I’m just so I’m happy that it’s one of your favs.

And ‘arrival’ has been a personal HC of mine for a long time. It took me a while to get out onto a page, so it’s great to hear that it’s struck home with others too.

A lot of my fics are borne out of that ‘we didn’t get to see this in the book but we should have’ and ‘what would have happened if…?’ feeling. Having had the chance to speak to other fans, I know I’m not alone in that, so it’s nice that so many people are finding my fics...fulfilling? I know other writers could do better, but until then, I’m happy to be around to fill a void.

Ahhh! The aydin age thing! Thank you! Anytime Aydin’s age is brought up in NF I’m like, ‘no you’re lying. You’re, like, 32/33.” But nope. He’s 26???? smh. Missed opportunity. It could have done so much for his character to just age him up a bit.

Regarding the timeline…as much as I would have loved for Will to the oldest…I think he is the baby. For clarification, I think Michael, Kai, and Damon were born in 1994 and Will in 1995. I didn’t want to give actual years in the post because I think the vibe that PD was going for was a timeless/infinite ‘this could be taking place at any point in time’. except for the points where they put in things that would date the books, the years and timing were purposefully left vague. I didn’t want to take that away by giving concrete dates. But I stayed up til an ungodly hour on a work night, going over this stupid timeline with a friend who has never read the series because trying to untangle it in my head was driving me absolutely nuts. So I had to record it somewhere.

In the chart, they all start the school year the same age* and then end the school year the same age, but within that nine months, it goes Michael, Kai, Damon all before Devil’s Night on October 30th, the new year, and finally Will in May.

That being said, at one point we did get stuck on whether Will was actually the oldest and I loved what it did for his character too. If at some point, he got held back a grade, it would go to why he’s a bit insecure, feels like he’s the dumbest in the group, and doesn’t trust himself to act on his own. I kinda wish Will had some sort of learning disability like dyslexia or ADHD because I think it would contribute to his lack of interest in school and strengthen his addiction storyline. None of that is canon and I don’t HC that it is. I just kinda wish it was there…

But according to my calculations, Will is the baby of the group, and of his family. That, along with his privilege, can also explain why he is the why he is.

Also Damon being the youngest would be hilarious and I wish it were so.

No worries, I as a wordy rambler myself, I appreciate everything you had to say. Feel free to drop by any time. I talk way too much, but it’s nice to get this devil’s night brain rot, as you so accurately termed, out to others who understand.

Thank you so much for your message and have a great day!

*well, if the school year starts in August, which some places in the US do. Others start in September, in which case, Michael will already be the next age up at the start of the year.

[facks-stories]

Completely forgot all about this, anyway gather around kids

[tw: sa,mentions of hyper sexuality]

[tldr: at the bottom in blue]

Basically I’m single now, what happened was my boyfriend told me a few weeks ago (like a month and a week) that a girl in his class flirted with him, I wasn’t made because I didn’t really care and said “as long as you didn’t flirt back then idc”

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, we are talking about out types in dating, this is where I found out i don’t really have a type and that I’m demi-sexual (yay for figuring that out) and when I ask him if he ever found anyone else attractive besides me (because i was curious because i had never found anyone but him attractive) he said he found the girl in his class to be attractive-

I found that was weird but i pushed it off for like 5 minutes before he told me the truth and said he flirted back, his reasoning was “I didn’t think it was cheating at the time” and we took a break from talking for about 3 days before i gave up and gave him a breakdown of our whole relationship

(I know we voted for just the pass 3 weeks but this ties in)

BASICALLY 2 years ago he sa’d and physically abused me, but because I’m naturally stronger then him i never hit him back i just told me to stop and moved away from him, he claimed (back then) that I wouldn’t communicate that I didn’t like it (I definitely did) and that i he wasn’t going to apologize, his defense being that i had a outlash at another person (that said person was hitting me with a object over and over again even after i told him to stop so I threatened the person) and that I outlash at people who care therefore he didn’t need to apologize for abusing me because I “deserve” it

So the end of that school year we broke up which was when he put all that in a letter

Now to 1 year later, the next school year, I am still deeply in love with him at this point dispite not being in a relationship with him, and wouldn’t you know! I got put in all the same classes (except one period) with him

This drove me crazy to the point I made a letter, I’m going to be honest I don’t know what I put in the letter at all but it was a get back together letter, I really made it to calm my nerves down so I could make it through the year on some type of delusion,

Insert one of my new friends, I told her the story (about the letter I wrote) and I gave it to her to read which I assumed she would just throw it away after- she didn’t, her next class was right next to the class that I didn’t have with him and she dropped it there (not sure exactly how this happened but 🤷) and he picked it up,

Later in our next class there was a note from him accepting my request to get back together and after that we started dating again,

Now that this point I had been sa’d by two people (two different people but they were both continuous) (the first on was a girl he had liked and the second one was him himself) I suspect at this point I developed hyper-sexuality, and that mixed with his lack of control led us to have a sexual relationship (won’t say past that) point is, we were sexual at some point,

Now during all that one of his friends also started sa’ing me, and once again I did not fight him (the 3rd sa’er) because I was stronger then him, and we were both in a club and I didn’t want everyone to know I was the reason he would be gone,

I told my bf at the time (lets call him jack so this doesn’t get confusing) a few days later he said that the sa’er had bragged about always sa’ing me , i don’t know what he did in that moment but afterwards I still saw them hanging out, and since jack would be hanging out with the sa’er near me it only made me uncomfortable (I felt this was something I didn’t have to say you shouldn’t do but 🤷)

Anyway to recently,he once said that he was irritated with me sending him a bunch of tweets and that he wasn’t going to watch it, prior to this I felt like we were only talking about things he likes and when I would say something about something that we both didn’t like and it was only me he would push me off, he also couldn’t comfort me, so him joking about not watching something I sent put me in a bad mood for 3 days

He said that he needed a break because I wouldn’t be happy talking to him and he felt like he was fucked if he asked what as wrong and fucked if he didn’t, but at the time I didn’t know why I felt off and upset, but we talked it through , not sure what conclusion we came to then

A few (weeks? Months? Idk) We got into a argument,basically he gave me advice that I didn’t want or need, i got mad and told him fine i’ll do the advice and he hung up on me (i was playing a game while we called) Since prior he told me about my communication issues so about 30 minutes later i told him I didn’t want him to do that anymore, i rushed my emotions to figure out why I was upset because last time I waited too long and it made him upset

He got angry and said I should’ve said that right then as it happened, I agreed but said since I didn’t what can I do to fix it because I said immediately what the problem was (which btw I later found out I got the reason I was upset wrong because I rushed it)

He said he didn’t know and suggested we break up, we didn’t talk for a day after and then we stayed together,

A week later we had a planed discussion on what our problems were in our relationship (btw I suggested we have this discussion because I was trying to be clear in my communication) all he said was my lack on communication, what I said was he treating me like friends with benefits (I didn’t explicitly say that, but thats the summary) I said that he doesn’t really play attention and I also didn’t like some of the jokes he made, I had brought this up a while ago and he said he would stop but never did

And then we continued on

And BACK TO 3 WEEKS AGO!!! WOOOO!!!

On the 3rd day of not talking I gave him a literal essay on where everything went wrong, I had already formally apologized for my wrongs in the past as they came up but I re-apologized just incase, his apologys were a “I’m sorry”

I suggested we definitely break up (because of other reasons I wouldn’t state here, I did not trust him with anything now, not even our relationship) and then he told me he could be poly

I have no problem with poly, if he had told me without acting on his urges and having self control like he has previously proven he doesn’t NOT have, then idc, I understand being ploy enough to know nothing will change and I wouldn’t give too shits, to me it would’ve meant I get to accurately call him bitchless

But no, instead of doing the ONE thing he has always been crying about me not doing, communication- he did something stupid, really I don’t doubt he was ploy, but i had a feeling he knew before hand but kept it a secret and is just now using it as a excuse. I basically had a mental breakdown and went back to rethinking the last 3 years of my life and couldn’t decide weather to break up or not, at this point I was deeply in love and in denial about everything (sa, him cheating)

So at the point we didn’t break up, but about 2 days later it was like a cut off, if you have ever been in love and also had a friend, you can tell the clear, I’m talking CLEAR difference between how you feel about them, but all of a sudden I didn’t want to be affectionate, or be all in love, and when I thought about him being ky boyfriend I felt nothing instead of that happy feeling I got

At this day I knew I fell out of love just as hard as I fell into it, but I still was trying because I still remember how much being in love felt like, it was nice and I just assumed it was one day off

Then it became two and three, then we were on the phone again, I tried talking about a debate topic I thought we could debate, he ignored me, I started again and he just told me I was wrong, went to look something up and said exactly what I said but different words so I knew at this point he wasn’t paying attention,

So I flat out asked him, do you want to have a conversation or do you want me to just reply to what you say, he froze? Like he just said “idk” the one time I communicated JUST like he told me to, he froze- but I knew I didn’t love him then because I wasn’t even hurt, I continued the rest of the call just replying to what he said

Then about 4 more days after that I could do it anymore, I felt like a liar and though he has literally ruined me (story for another paragraph) i thought no one deserved to be lied to, so i asked if we could talk and he said yes

I told him i think i fell out of love and he shut me down, saying we just had a stressful week and that he doesn’t want to do it again, i shut down (for the first time in a while actually.. i was going good) and said ok and went about my day until he texted me again

He said sorry and that shutting me down while i was communicating was wrong, I agreed, I told him that I don’t really feel any more love for him, I have him options, break up and block, breakup and stay friends, or stay together

He asked me to stay together, a day later we let sticky toes free (the frog I kidnapped on facetime with him,) and we didn’t talk for a few minutes after that because he didn’t want to be on the phone while I was outside,

Once I got back inside I texted him but he seemed off and I asked if he was ok, he said yea so I asked if he just wanted to talk later and he said yes

Since it was getting late and he sleeps kinda early I said I’ll just say gn now, I said I good night without a I love you because I didn’t want too and I felt like a liar,

He didn’t reply

He texted me a hour or two just venting about something unrelated to this, I suggested that he should sleep and we can talk about it when hes not too tired, I said good night again without a I love you

The next day he said we could break up because he realized that I really can’t treat him like I used to,

And to ever since!!! Yippee, basically I’ve been making jokes, a part of me is starting to not even like him but I’m so out of love that I don’t even care to cut it off I just talk to anyone other then him, and I keep making jokes about him being a bad person because the part of me that wants to see him feel guilt really gets the spotlight without my meds

Anyway life has been freeing, yall know that post I made saying I’ve healed (kinda) yea this is what this was about,

I’ve had go stop talking my meds because its making me hallucinate so that is very cash money so I told him I wouldn’t talk to him too much until I can get new advice

Anyway on to how he ruined me, basically I was diagnosed with ptsd at the mental hospital from the abuse 2-3 years ago, and i got a physical diagnosis was a diagnosis that was caused by my PTSD (my health has made me fail my grade and now i have to do extra credit to pass with the grade i was supposed to) I couldn’t go to school at all last year and I went through hell, I am in constant pain and I still am because my treatment is a lot of money so my parents are figuring something out, crazy to think this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t met 2 people..

Tldr:

My ex bf caused my PTSD by physically and sexually abusing me, and then cheated on me and was a hypocrite about communicating, and thats why hes my ex, my PTSD was also the cause of my heath and now i am in constant pain  

Gang I realize I don’t talk to you guys that long lmao-

Uh anyone want a recap of like the last 2-3 weeks?



[ginemrys]

look at the stars

jily challenge | November 2022 | @jilychallenge

Theme: Tropefest!

Trope: Fake Dating

Partner: the incredible @petalstofish

Prompt: "just so you know, I don't like you"

“Potter, I need your help…” Lily said as she grabbed his wrist, stopping him from heading up to the bar. The group of friends had gathered, as they did every Thursday night, for the weekly quiz at their local pub. She and James had an odd relationship, they’d hated each other throughout school but had mutual friends that had led to them hanging out regularly. It had led to them becoming sort of friends, though they were by no means as close as the rest of the group. 

“Really?” James’ eyebrows shot up his forehead as he looked down at her, his hand flying into the messy curls that sat atop his head. “How?”

Lily sighed, letting go of his arm to chew on her thumbnail as she peered up at him. When had he gotten so tall? “I made a drunken bet with Marlene a while ago that I’d be dating someone by the end of the month and…” 

“And you haven’t succeeded…” James finished for her, looking confused. “And I come in, how?”

Lily sucked in a deep breath. “Will you fake date me for a little while, just to get her off my back?” 

James blinked in shock, his mouth hanging open just a little before letting it snap shut. “Sure…” 

continue reading on ao3 or below the cut

It had taken some convincing to prove to the group that James and Lily had fallen for each other, they all knew that their friendship had been strained. But Lily had claimed over and over that it was only because they had always harboured feelings for each other that had prevented them from ever getting too close until one too many drinks after the pub quiz had led to newfound happiness. James played his part well, always keeping an arm around her shoulders or her waist, pressing soft kisses to her hair or cheek and the way he looked at her sometimes, Lily could have sworn he was genuinely gazing at her with affection. 

So the ploy worked, Marlene seemed moderately convinced by their relationship and the group returned to their happy normality except that now Lily tended to sit beside James or sometimes half on him when squashed onto a sofa with Sirius, who liked to spread out his legs. She found that she actually rather enjoyed spending time with the boys alone, originally heading over to hang out had seemed like a chore but over a few weeks she sometimes ended up inviting herself over. 

“Oh, Prongs, I told Mum that I’d need to share a tent with someone else next week, since you’ll be sharing with Lily.” Sirius said one evening at his and James’ flat as the three of them watched some corny American reality show on Netflix. 

“What?” James glanced at Lily with wide eyes before looking over at Sirius. “What are you talking about?”

“The annual camping weekend?” Sirius said slowly, frowning at his best friend. “With the boys and your parents? I… I assumed that Evans would be joining given how loved up you have been recently.” 

“Oh…” James replied, having shot another glance in Lily’s direction, who had simply shrugged. “That…” 

“Yeah, well, Pete can’t make it because as usual he couldn’t get the weekend off work. So I’ll bunk with Moony and you two can share.” Sirius rolled his eyes as he got up from the sofa stretching his arms above his head with a yawn. “Mum’s very excited, she practically cried with joy when I told her the two of you were dating, she always hoped that Lily would fancy you back someday given how obsessed you were with her in school. Anyway, I’m off to bed. Night!”

James had turned bright red in the dimly lit living room, the TV still projecting different colours onto his face. He very slowly turned his head to look at Lily, who was sitting with her arms crossed, a hard to read expression on her face. 

“Uh-”

“Well, that’s that then.”

“What?” James blinked at her a few times, he seemed as though he’d been expecting her to yell at him. 

“We’re going camping then, right? If your family has heard that we’re ‘dating’,” she raised her fingers in quotation marks as she spoke, “then we can’t exactly upset your mum with me deciding to turn down the offer of meeting them and spending the weekend.” 

“You’ll come?” James looked as surprised as he had when she’d first asked him to agree to her strange plan. 

“Do I really have a choice?” She answered, tilting her head to the side. 

“Of course you do, Evans, I-”

“I’ll do it.” Lily interrupted as she got to her feet, grabbing her jacket from the back of the sofa and pulled it on. “One weekend can’t be that bad, but, Potter?”

His head snapped up, his eyes meeting hers. 

“Just so you know, this doesn’t mean that I like you.” 

"Right."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lily was pretty quiet on the drive down to Cornwall, her eyes fixed on the window at the view. Sirius had of course called shotgun the second he'd stepped out of the front door of their building, jumping into the front seat so that Lily and Remus were delegated into the back with some of their bags.

She had her airpods tucked into her ears as she watched the countryside pass by, mostly to drown out her nervousness rather than shut herself out from the conversation in the car. She knew James had noticed her face light up when she spotted the ocean peaking over the horizon, their eyes meeting for a second in the rear view mirror before she looked away, her cheeks a little pink. 

Sirius chatted away happily, audible over Lily’s music but he seemed to be keeping James from getting too bored as he drove for a few hours. But finally, just as the sky was starting to darken slightly, they pulled into the campsite. Two figures were settled in camp chairs between three tents, mugs in their hands. James jumped from the car once he had parked up, rushing over to hug his parents. 

"Nervous?" Remus asked Lily, a soft smile on his face as they watched James' mother cup his face and kiss his cheek affectionately.

"I… Yeah…" Lily blushed, deciding to actually be honest. "It's funny because I've met them before but-"

"But not as James' girlfriend." Remus nodded knowingly. "They'll love you, don't worry."

Lily nodded, chewing on her lip nervously before opening the door and climbing out of the car. She hovered next to Remus as Sirius hugged James’ parents as well before the four of them turned to the other two.

“Lily! My dear, you look wonderful.” Euphemia Potter smiled warmly, giving Lily a gentle hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It’s so lovely to see you again.” 

“You too, Mrs Potter, thank you for inviting me.” Lily replied, her voice wavering only a little.

“Please, call me Mia, Mrs Potter was my mother-in-law.” Euphemia teased, waving Lily’s gratitude away. Her husband stepped forward to shake Lily’s hand in greeting as Euphemia embraced Remus. 

Once everyone had reunited, James’ hand slipped into Lily’s. He gave her a soft smile which she mirrored. Ever since they had begun their false relationship, Lily had been unable to admit to anyone, perhaps even herself, just how perfectly her hand fit into James’. She’d been trying to ignore the fluttering in her stomach every time he wrapped an arm around her, and had attempted to hide the small smile that appeared on her lips anytime he kissed her hair or cheek.

“Doing okay?” He asked quietly as Sirius chatted away to the others. 

“Yeah, I’m alright.” Lily looked up at James, her traitorous heart catching in her throat as she gazed into his eyes. The gently setting sun had turned them into molten gold, the colours shining so beautifully Lily thought that she would be comfortable dying there and then so long as the colour of his eyes was her last ever sight. 

“Are you sure?” He replied, his eyebrow raising curiously. Shit . She’d let herself stare for too long, her cheeks flushing pink as she averted her gaze. She nodded before letting go of his hand and started to grab bags from the back of the car to distract herself from the burning of her blush and the intensity of his eyes. 

The group eventually settled into camp chairs around a small makeshift fire that James and Sirius had built, mugs of booze cradled in their hands. Bacon sandwiches had already been dished out, Lily felt as though she would be eternally grateful to James for making sure she ate a big lunch when they stopped on the drive down. He sat beside her, their two chairs nestled close together to make sure that they kept up appearances. 

The two older Potters were so welcoming to Lily, Euphemia seemed over the moon that James had found himself ‘such a nice girl’. It was rather cute the way that James’ cheeks had burned pink as his mother fawned over him and Lily, his eyes only meeting Lily’s for the briefest second before he looked away. 

The sky had faded from gold, to purple, to deep navy. Lily let out a tiny gasp when she looked up, seeing the stars poking through the blue. Living in cities her whole life had meant that stars were usually covered by a thick sheen of smog, pollution and light. But down here in the country, the stars were brighter than she had ever seen them. 

“See those three super bright stars up there?” James said to her softly, his finger pointing up into the sky. “That’s the Summer Triangle. They’re all a part of different constellations.”

“Really?” Lily tore her gaze from the stars to look at him, her eyes wide in wonder. Beside them, Euphemia and Fleamont quietly excused themselves to their tent, having grown tired. Lily hardly noticed, her eyes once again returning to the sky to find where James was pointing. 

“Yeah, the one at the leftmost point is Deneb, part of Cygnus the Swan.” James explained, leaning a little closer to her so that they were looking at the same point. “The top one is Vega that’s in Lyra the Harp and the bottom one is Altair in Aquila, which is the Eagle constellation.” 

Out of the corner of Lily’s peripheral vision, she noticed Remus lightly hit Sirius on the arm and the two of them also moved into their tent, leaving James and Lily quite alone. She was unsure if James had even realised, he was so intent on making sure she saw the constellations. Quietly he murmured to her about the stars, his fingers tracing patterns against the sky to show her the constellations. 

“How do you know so much about the stars? I thought I was well informed knowing that Sirius was named after the Dog star…” Lily asked after a short while, her eyes once again returning to James’ features. She wasn’t sure if they’d ever sat so close before, the firelight making his tanned skin glow golden. He looked as though he had been sculpted, his features pulled straight from the men she read about in books and dreamed about. It hit her like a ton of bricks all at once, James Potter was beautiful. And he was exactly her type. 

How had it taken so long to realise? Maybe he had been hidden behind the arrogance and bravado that she’d hated in school. Maybe because she had known him before puberty had melded him into this adonis before her that she’d never noticed it before. His jawline could cut glass…

Just as Lily was coming to the realisation that maybe she fancied him, James looked at her. And Lily would swear at a later date that she’d melted under the sudden heat that his gaze sent coursing through her. She would also claim that one minute they were looking at each other and the next they were kissing, that she had no idea who had leaned in first despite James’ laughter filled retorts that she had lunged at him. 

If Lily thought that James Potter was well informed about stars, that was nothing compared to how well informed he was at kissing. His lips on hers just felt right. His hands moved to cradle her face as he kissed her back, almost hesitant at first. But when Lily’s hand moved to brush through his hair, a soft sigh escaped him and the kiss deepened. James Potter kissed as he did everything in life, by throwing himself into it with all of his emotion worn plain as day. 

When the kiss broke and Lily pulled away, she couldn’t help the smile on her lips that was mirrored on James’ face. She knew that they both agreed, they had been idiotic to wait so long to do that. And neither of them were about to waste anymore time, their hands immediately reaching for the other again, their lips meeting in another kiss. 

It was like she was flying, his arms around her were so strong that she knew she did not need to hold herself up as he could support her. So Lily let herself melt into his touch, her fingers tangling in his messy hair, hair that she only now realised she had been aching to touch for so many years. A soft moan escaped her lips, the sound pressing into his mouth that made him respond in kind. 

Lily pulled away to look at him, his eyes slowly opening to reveal only a hint of hazel remaining around the deep blackness of his pupils. He looked utterly wrecked and by god she knew she felt the same. “We should… We should get some sleep…” She whispered, trailing her fingers down his face to rest her hands on his chest. 

He nodded, his expression almost dumbstruck as he blinked at her a few times slowly. Lily couldn’t help but giggle at the effect she’d had on him, her hand moving to take his as she gently pulled him towards their tent. They crawled inside and Lily settled back against the air bed as James tugged the zip closed. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So… So you were faking it the whole time to not lose the bet but then finally realised you two actually have the hots for each other and banged it out in a tent feet away from his parents?” Marlene asked over the shot of tequila that Lily had shoved into her hand before making her admission. 

“Yeah, that’s about right.” Lily replied, glancing over at her boyfriend who was standing with Sirius at the drinks table, fixing her a drink. As if he felt her gaze on him, James turned his head, their eyes meeting. He smiled at her warmly, just one look instantly soothing her nervousness about finally being truthful with her best friend. 

“Well, fuck me.” Marlene said, downing the shot. She made a disgusted face and shivered slightly as the alcohol coursed through her. “If I had my doubts before, I certainly don’t now. You two are so cute for each other.” 

“I know.” Lily blushed, her face growing suddenly warmer. “And it’s all thanks to you for coming up with that bet, without it, I don’t think I would have ever realised that I fancied him all this time.”

“I can agree with that,” James’ deep voice said as he pressed a kiss to the top of Lily’s head. He passed her a drink before settling down beside her on the sofa, “cheers, McKinnon.” 

Marlene grinned, looking at the two of them as Lily settled herself against James’ side, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. “Was all a part of my plan, Potter. But you’re welcome. Though I am going to leave you two alone now because you are a bit sickening and I’ve drunk a lot of tequila!” She bounced to her feet, saluting at them both with two fingers moving away from her brow before she screeched at Sirius to fix her a drink. 

Lily looked at James, smiling happily. “She’s not mad.” 

“I knew she wouldn’t be, she loves you.” James replied simply, his fingers tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “How could she not?” 

Lily giggled as she leaned in to kiss him, leaving it soft and tender. They had all the time in the world for deep and meaningful kisses, she knew that she wasn’t going to let this boy go any time soon. How could she? They were made for each other. 

[kyouka-supremacy]

Hey! I recently read your post on, ahem, 'Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals' (to paraphrase)

I thought it was really interesting actually!! Thank you for writing that!

Another point is how Yosano's quirk had gotten sexualized in the anime, whilst in the manga, it's much more eery? That was weird.

I had a question: How Is Dazai Sexist?

Not in a 'pRoVE iT to ME!!' manner, but a, 'i can genuinely see that and I'm curious about your perspective' manner!

I read No Longer Human about, two months ago? And Dazai Osamu, the author, had a niche perspective on women, I suppose. He humanized them, but also dismissed them, but also heavily related to them? Of course, with historical context it's probably the average view of the time.

But I'm genuinely curious!!

My “Female Characters in BSD And Their Portrayals”

Thank you for giving the post a read! I was low-key nervous when I posted it, I don't really like being the killjoy, so I found people's positive responses to it very reassuring (╥﹏╥)

About Yosano's ability being sexualized in the anime. I know right,,,, it's part of the bigger picture issue, it's nearly impossible to find anime without fanservice. The difference in female portrayal between the bsd manga and anime is actually something very interesting to ponder on, because they're actually quite different: the manga is sexist, but it never visually sexualizes its female character (the Gaiden manga being an exception). The anime is more low-key in the blatant sexism, but there's female fanservice that the manga lacks that... Idk feels almost a given at this point, like animation studios just CAN'T not do it (I don't even know what to say? Something something *through gritted tits* 57th prime minister of Japan Shinzo Abe). On a different note, this ask came as some sort of epiphany for me because it made me realize that the reason there's so many people missing on the sexism in bsd which leaves me so often baffled is because people probably reason fanservice = sexism → lack of fanservice = lack of sexism, but it really doesn't have to work that way? Of course fanservice is for the vast majority sexist because more often than not it comes with the objectification of female body, but I wouldn't say there's a direct correlation between the two things: I hope I was exhaustive enough on why bsd is sexist although it never sexualizes its female characters, and I think same can be said for the other way round? Kill la Kill is my favorite anime of them all and the most female empowering anime (and overall media??? Idk I love klk with everything I've got) I've ever seen, but it'd definitely be a wide stretch to say it lacks fanservice.

On why I said Dazai is sexist: for one, I trust Chuuya's word

This is a joke, but funny enough, that's exactly the panel I was thinking about when writing the post– I was negatively surprised by how a main character could reportedly be called womanizer, and that is just kind of there, like being sexist was just another weird little characteristic of bandage man, nothing strange there. You see the problem here?

I remember when I watched the bsd anime for the first time, I used to think Dazai was sexist a lot– but in retrospect, I don't have that much a strong opinion on the matter anymore. When I watched it, it would bother me how Dazai would objectify women a lot, using them as mindless pawns even more of how he already does with every character he encounters; it would bother me how he's so fixated on committing a double suicide with a beautiful woman, like... You do realize that is wishing for another person, and that person needing to be a woman specifically, to die, right? Not to mention the “beautiful” part only adds to the objectification if you ask me. But all taken into account, I don't feel for it as strongly as I used to– don't get me wrong, it's still disturbing, but I don't think it's an issue of Dazai specifically as much of the work in its entirety having a fucked up view of women. It hit me today rewatching the bit at the end of episode 5, Dazai explaining Ranpo's deductions to Atsushi: “she wasn't dressed for work, she had no make-up on”. Now, if you say anything like this to me irl, I WILL punch you in the face. But can you sense how it doesn't really come from Dazai in particular and is more expression of an overall worldview of women that necessary transpires through the characters, an underlying pattern I couldn't really perceive on my first time watching the anime? So, I feel like it's less of a case of “Dazai being sexist” than it is of “Dazai is a character with a lot of lines in a fundamentally sexist franchise”. The point isn't about Dazai's being sexist, because ALL the characters are in a way or the other, but about the author writing them as such; that's what I meant by saying “Dazai is openly sexist and it’s just kind of there never to be addressed”– he's reportedly sexist IN CANON, the thing is it's never portrayed as something strange or worth to be addressed.