#<- everything gorillaz related that i make is 2doc. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caskit2 · 6 years

Text

Gorillaz Analysis

Caskit’s not ready to throw all their cards on the table but the time has come!!!

Okay then, I had to think long and hard about what I wanted to talk about here with Gorillaz cause DAMN!!

I love gorillaz,

I love the characters

damon is a gift that we just dont deserve

But how did I end up in the fandom pool?

Well for one, I have heard of gorillaz music back in middleschool but at the time I was busy with Invader Zim and Inuyasha as well as jumping into this band wagon as well (Full metal Alchemist)

so by the time I turned to look at Gorillaz was when phase 3 was JUST wrapping up and making way for phase 4. which means I jumped into a fandom that had characters that I knew NOTHING ABOUT. Do you know what that means?

It means I also had no understanding or knowledge of why people shipped “this or that” in the fandom, but I gained some intel on the characters and the growing plot of the story, but other than that, I didnt understand why I was drawn to a particular “ship” in the fandom.

*actual expression made, im not joking*

Once upon a time, caskit discovered 2doc and was not surprised that this was a ship. I have seen similar stuff that has a common theme that i was drawn to at the time. I was more interested in why fans ship them so I dived in head first into the boiling lava and came to a conclusion.,.....

I dont see them as able (capable?) of ever ending up in the way that most 2doc shippers would pick. The two are chaotic on levels of different tiers of “weird and gross” and I dont really have a reason as to why i was drawn to the ship, but It made me want to analyse what exactly a stable relationship is!

I basically walked around in that area of the fandom and didnt really form any “attachment” to it. I never really experienced a “healthy relationship”, lived in childhood and teen years were I went through life avoiding relationships. So I didnt have a good start, but I knew eventually that I would have to explain myself.

I feel bad that I wouldnt be able to give a solid answer to what makes me want to sit down and analyse any scenario that has “present abuse undertones” but I know that in the past and how I grew up with what I was exposed to...That I would come to realize how unhealthy it is just for me.

This post isnt particularly about 2doc itself, but its more about discussing how I handled MY reaction to something that I have seen over and over. In a way, I could see those abusive tones that were present.

Basically Caskit never experienced good healthy relationships and decided that it was a good idea to use gorillaz as a processing strategy....not a good idea in the end cause...OOOHHHHHHH

It confused me more than before!!!

I got friends that tag their stuff, and I dont really get so bothered with peoples own opinions, cause I was more worried about how I would come to understand everything.

When I think about how fans are dividing and putting up a wall to keep “haters outa my yard” it usually has to deal with shipping stuff, and character hating. And I guess I was confused about everyone’s perception of the characters.

Talking about the characters, I dont have a “least favorite to most” cause I have specific connections to them in different ways.

I can find similarities to noodle for the expectations she had in a band at age 10 and growing up (plus we are both gays that dont like to publicly talk about relationships)

I connect with Russel cause I lost a piece of myself after a paranormal encounter and 3 near death experiences and suffer hallucinations. His protective demeanor to little noodle clicked with me. I see him as the Heart and soul, dedicated and warm friendly guy. ( you mean a decent human being right?)

I relate to 2d in a way that I share his enthusiasm, and mad bravery to live with the same guy who ran him over and caused 2 accidents that are permanent.

I relate to murdoc in a weird way... His childhood hits too close to home for me, as a CSA survivor of 2 incidents, pain addict and victim of abuse, draws similarities. But there were things that he has done that match things to my past like the abusive father, and dwelling on the darker aspect of a bittersweet reality. I was expressing physical violence to “show affection” and was never called out for it. I was not just a victim, I was also the abuser and since it was something that murdoc is faced with, is why I hated him. He is (for me) the thing I hate about myself.

When I saw more and more fans hating on murdoc I wondered if people would ever think I was the same as him. Fans didnt like the way he treated 2d and the rest of the band, And I agreed. Fans hated him for lying and causing drama and I agreed.

His ignorance was a comedy slapstick (dressing in a nazi uniform cause he thought it “looked cool” despite russel telling him that its not a good idea) and was seen as the “crazy hooligan that has delusional dreams of fame” and it bothered me that jamie used this to cover up allot of obvious issues that needed to be addressed. and the way that the fandom treated him made me think about how I would be accused of being like him.

(thank goodness I didnt cause a car accident and have to sell my soul to satan for a shot at fame with a kickass band and didnt make uncomfortable sexual jokes or ignore others that tried to help me.)

I can separate what justifies the hate on murdoc when it comes to abuse and causing shit to go down. becuase I did those things in the past, but it didnt take me more than a decade or more to realize that what I did was wrong! I didnt take forever to change for the better. so Im frustrated at him for taking so long to turn around and go “holly fuck im a bastard! I should probably fix that”

Yeah NyOO ShiTT HunnayYY!!

I dont hate him for being an idiot, I hate that he symbolizes all things wrong about me that never got closure!

him admitting to being the cause of 2d’s social anxiety and eye damage as well as the abuse is easier said than done! but the fact that he is letting everything out of the “in-denial basket” is nice for me to see, cause right now Healing and progression in closure to issues of trauma is what is important to me.

The endgame for my perspective on 2d and murdocs relationship is this:

I dont want to ship them

I dont even see it as a thing regardless of character development and both guys working through their own shit themselves.

I am not the best person to explain what a toxic or abusive relationship can be.

Why? becuase I lived through it and I was both the victim and abuser to myself and grew up without a good relationship (and I have a fear of positive affection) so I dont enjoy going through the same pattern as before where i shipped abuse in the past as a “dumb 13 year old weeboo”

I dont view their relationship as romantic, or platonic, or healthy.

I just want the boys to enjoy their own character growth individually.

I would like to eventually see a friendship with them But I’ll be more excited if instead the whole band eventually gain a healthy relationship with everyone.

Year 2018 marks the year I jumped in head first into gorillaz as a blind fruit bat

(I call it the year caskit played with fire) for cosplaying ‘murdoc fuckn wrinkles’ at a convention around the time the fandom was yelling at him and jamming to 2d’s album.

Caskit jumped into the shipping lava all for Behavioral analyzing and hopped over fences to see other fans perspectives of characters they liked and hated just to make sure Caskit could understand the illuminati that is Gorillaz.

I made friends all over the fandom, and thanks to a few people, I gained more confidence to push my art skills and create some kickass art of Gorillaz.

And yeah I yap yap about murdoc ( looks over @russelhusselhobbs im sorry you put up with my bullshit) but remember peeps.

I like hearing about the others and have gotten more into 2d’s character as well as Jumping over the fence to go hang out with russel fans and listen to fangirling from friends and just trying to be a freakn fairy godmother and deliver some good representing art.

And for those who aren’t aware, my past artwork is probably gonna float around so if its signed as Caskit or Caskit19 then its mine and if you see my old 2doc stuff.....,

for the trigger.

But YEAHHHHHH!!! I wanted to throw all this on the table. and I dont know how to feel about that...(I swear my friend jokes with “need some feel good inc for Caskit” ) Kinda contemplating my choice between sticking my head into a hornets nest or jumping into a dark water trench.... the hornets nest sounds less likely to give me a seizure induced panic attack so ill go for that. ( I have a tolerance for inflicted pain so no you cant hurt me by using violence cause I dont have any consideration for myself and my safety)

But yeah now I can get back to drawing fun stuff. (hopefuly caskit wont have to bore you guys with stupid shit ever again! xD)

#murdoc niccals #gorillaz #russel gorillaz #2d gorillaz #noodle gorillaz #past 2doc #Caskit is into friendships and healthy relationships #Frosted respect flakes are delicious

12 notes · View notes

greywindys · 7 years

Text

Ficpost!

Okay…this STARTED as a drabble. I wanted to play around with some ideas I had expressed in some text posts awhile back but since I’m incapable of writing anything short it mutated into this big thing. This takes place during phase four, starting in the weeks leading up to the live interview on April 20th and then goes beyond that. I also went with the assumption that they’re currently living in the Spirit House in Detroit.

Genre: Slice-of-life? Maybe fluff? Definitely kinda cheesy. No ships, though there *is* tentative 2Doc friendship which I’ll warn for to be safe.

Rating: PG for language

Summary/preview: After everything he’d been through, Murdoc had come to expect a certain level of unpredictability in his daily routine. What he didn’t count on, however, was that it would come in the form of 2D casually deciding to use his phone to record videos of him while he was rummaging through the refrigerator.

Word count: around 7700

Having made his way from the most sordid of neighborhoods in Stoke-on-Trent to the haunted halls of Kong Studios, and finally to the even more haunted Detroit “fixer-upper” the band had so wisely purchased for “inspiration” (Or, as Russel had described,“returning to their roots”), Murdoc had come to expect a certain level of unpredictability in his daily routine. What he didn’t count on, however, was that it would come in the form of 2D casually deciding to use his phone to record videos of him while he was rummaging through the refrigerator.

At first, he blamed his hangover. He knew he shouldn’t have accepted that bottle from that overly friendly homeless man he had met behind the bar last night. There was no telling what that potent concoction had been spiked with - no one was that happy. And now he was paying the price. Hallucinations. Great. It wasn’t until he purposefully decided to leave the refrigerator door open to watch 2D, far too focused on his phone screen, walk directly into it that he realized that everything that he witnessed so far was indeed real.

“Oh, uh, hi, Murdoc.” 2D said as he struggled to regain his balance. He looked at the refrigerator door and then back at Murdoc. “Be careful you don’t walk into the door here. Looks like someone left it open.”

“You want to to tell me what the hell you’re doing?”

“Well, if you could just kindly, um, go back to what you were doing so I could finish the video I think you would understand…”

For a moment, they stood silently. 2D seemed content completely ignore Murdoc’s initial question and wait patiently for him comply while Murdoc continued to stare at the singer as if he had just grown a second head.

2D was the one to act first. Slowly, he held up his phone again and cleared his throat. “So it seems we’ve caught Murdoc at a bad time. You see, he may put on this big, tough act in public, but actually startles very easily. The next appropriate step to take here is to put on a calming metal record…but not Mudvayne. Murdoc once tried to learn one of bass lines off of their first record and it was too difficult for him. Anything but Mudvayne.”

That did it.

“You idiot! Give me that!” Murdoc lunged. He didn’t know if it was more towards the phone or 2D but in any case, he had had enough of whatever 2D was doing.

Surprisingly, 2D made use of the refrigerator door and kicked it so that it was wide open again. This time, it was Murdoc’s turn to collide with the door.

“He’s very angry right now. Sounds might not work,” 2D said to the phone as he began a clumsy retreat back to his room. He continued to aim the camera in Murdoc’s direction as he walked backwards. Looking up from the screen at Murdoc, he pleaded, “Murdoc, this is all one shot and if you keep making me break character it’s going to be ruined.”

“What’s going to be ruined?!” Murdoc was fuming.

“He’s talking about the Youtube channel.”

Murdoc turned in the direction of the couch and saw Russel lounging on the couch, idly flipping through the latest issue of National Geographic. How long had he been sitting there?

“Oh please. You’ve all gone completely mental if you think I’m going to let 2D upload any of his home video projects onto my playlist.”

“Not your Youtube channel. 2D’s Youtube channel,” Russel said, not even bothering to look up.

Murdoc blinked. “2D’s what?”

“You know that journal I’ve been keeping for my therapist?” 2D explained. “Well, she’s been reading it and saying, ‘2D, you’re really funny,’ and so I started thinking, yeah, you know, I am really funny. And so I start thinking, why not instead of journal journal, I uh, keep a sort of video journal? And she says, ‘that’s a great idea, 2D, a great way to be the captain of your own boat; have a project that emphasizes your strengths and helps you focus on yourself just like we’ve been working on.”

“And you’re going to achieve that by filming me?”Murdoc replied sarcastically.

“It won’t be just you,” Russel added. “We thought it might make a good addition to the app if it included some more personal accounts from the band, like a video blog. And 2d’s a funny guy, y’know? He always keeps it positive and has a…unique perspective on us, so we thought he might be a good choice to narrate. He would be filming segments on Noodle and I as well.”

“We haven’t quite settled on a name yet. Management seems to like ‘2D’s Guide to Gorillaz’ but I like something a little more personal like, ‘2Day with 2D,’” 2D said with the same, obliviously cheerful expression on his face that he always had whenever he thought he had a great idea. “And I’ll finally be able to have my own catch phrase. It could be something like a pun, like, ‘it’s another great day 2D with you.’ Heh. Get it?”

Murdoc shot him a scathing glare in response. “And who’s ‘we’? The last meeting I attended we decided that Noodle would get the Instagram, you, Russ, would get a radio show, 2D would go on Dancing with the Stars to help us broaden out audience and I would get the Youtube channel. ME.” He motioned towards himself. “Are you trying to say you lot had a meeting behind my back?”

Russel sighed. “Of course we were gonna run it by you before anything was made official but we thought you would be more receptive if we had some actual samples for you to watch rather than just ideas. And besides, think about it, Muds. You have a grand total of one video up for what’s going on a month now, and the only reason that one’s up is because Noodle helped you.”

“For the record, I added that video myself,” Murdoc retorted. “And the fans loved it. It ignite an unprecedented level of intellectual discussion and speculation we only could’ve dreamed about one our last two albums. And there’s a lot more where that came from, too. But you can’t rush genius, Russ.”

In reality, he hated the Youtube channel. Initially he had volunteered for it because of a complaint he heard from Russel about how the site had devolved into a cesspool of people who were obsessed with themselves. It sounded perfect for him! But soon he found himself hating it too. He hated how they tracked his searches, he hated confusing the layout was (to him,at least) and he hated how, yes, Noodle had to help him sometimes. But he would be damned if he let 2D usurp him like this.

“And I was also thinking, Murdoc, that I could structure your segments like a sort of mini-documentary.” 2D said. Clearly, he had remained checked out of whatever Murdoc and Russel were talking about and remained in planning mode. “I was talking to Jim in advertising and he said I knew so much about you that I sounded like some sort of Murdoc whisperer, you know, like Cesar Milan? And then I thought, yeah, we could call it something like that, or like…Murdocumentary. Ha ha. Get it?”

Unluckily for him, all it did was remind Murdoc that he was still in the room.

“This was all your idea wasn’t it?” Murdoc said, pointing an accusatory finger in his direction. He had always had difficulty telling whether 2D said things because he genuinely thought they were helpful additions or because he deliberately wanted pick at him. Today, he wasn’t going to take any chances. “If I see even one second of any that video uploaded anywhere you can-”

“Hey, Murdoc,” Russel said, his tone warning Murdoc to back off. “Chill. If you’re feeling some type of way about it we can think of something else.”

“Yeah,” 2D said. “If you’re worried my playlist might be more popular or something I can think of something else.”

“You damn well better.” Murdoc crossed his arms and continued to glare in the singer’s direction.

But it wasn’t just that. What was bothering Murdoc more than he wanted to admit to himself was being left out. Murdoc didn’t like being left out of plans that related to the band. He was the leader! And on top of that was the persistent suspicion that 2D was trying to push him into a situation where strangers would be laughing at him. Maybe his band mates didn’t know everything about him but he thought they at least understood that he hated being the butt of a joke. The fact that the project was even being considered and 2D had apparently masterminded it all was too much.

“This week in the life of Gorillaz: Two grown men can’t share a Youtube channel,” Russel said sarcastically.

2D chuckled.

“You know what? If that’s how you’re going to be about it then I’m not even going to bother,” Murdoc grumbled. Understanding that there wasn’t much he could to exact his revenge in the moment he turned to leave, pausing only to send one final death glare in 2D’s direction. “And you! Don’t think for a second that this is over.”

And with that, he stormed off.

Moving on to a new idea turned out to be very easy for 2D. The next day he approached Murdoc to tell him that instead, he was going to put all his focus into developing his own business producing luxury friendship bracelets, and maybe one could be included in every pre-order of the new album. Murdoc had answered with a “whatever” and given him a thumbs up, 2D had grinned and to any outside observer it looked like their conflict from earlier in the week had been resolved.

However, when Murdoc declared something to be “not over,” he tended to make good on that promise. Being part of a famous band helped as the amount of excess income at his disposal provided him with few limits on just how elaborate a particular scheme could become.

By typical Murdoc standards, this scheme in particular was relatively cheap. All he had needed was a spare phone, some spare time and some good, old-fashioned story-telling.

Never before had be been so thankful that witnessing a robot decapitation in real time would be so difficult for 2D to accept as a believable cause of death for a robot. Now, Murdoc could gleefully use that weakness against him. That ought to show him. Maybe next time he would think twice before plotting behind Murdoc’s back. If all went well, Murdoc anticipated that he would get to laugh about this in interviews for years to come.

Not wanting to wait a second longer, Murdoc grabbed the spare phone, and, with a maniacal grin entered 2D’s number and started a message. He could hardly contain his laughter as he typed. Hello, 2D. It is me. Cyborg Noodle.

Then he hit send and set the phone aside, cackling loudly (being the one with the only bedroom on the top floor had its perks.) No sooner had he reached for the bottle of vodka on his nightstand than the phone pinged again. And again. And again. And again.

Eager to read the singer’s reaction, Murdoc grabbed the phone again and read through the messages. They were all questions. 2D wanted to know how he could be sure it was really Cyborg Noodle, how she had escaped Plastic Beach, where she was now, how she was doing and if they could meet up sometime to catch up.

Bingo.

Now he needed additional “evidence” to back up his claim. Pulling his laptop from under his bed, he opened up Instragram. He had watched Noodle use the band account enough to know how to upload a picture. He named the new account “CyborgNoodle123.” Next, he opened MS Paint and cut and paste a picture of Cyborg Noodle onto a picture of the Lincolnshire Christmas market which he had found through a Google image search.

Turning his attention back to the phone, he entered the URL and typed. This is me spreading Christmas cheer at the Lincoln Christmas market. I live a quiet life…Murdoc paused, thinking about how he would proceed. And then it came to him. I live a quiet life in Lincolnshire with an elderly sheep farmer in the Carrs. I have taken up cycling. I ride my bicycle to the local bakery every morning. It makes me feel alive.

He reached for a half empty bottle of vodka that sat on his nightstand and took a long drink, a smug grin on his face. 2D was falling for it hook, line and sinker. He was a genius. This would be a good way to end the night.

Murdoc was still in the midst of mentally patting himself on the back and admiring his handiwork when suddenly, 2D burst through his door.

“Murdoc! Murdoc you’ve got to look at this!” 2D was waving his phone frantically as he ran towards him, a wide smile on his face. Seeing Murdoc jump in surprise and nearly fall off the bed didn’t phase him in the slightest. “It’s…it’s her! It’s really her.”

“The fuck are you doing?!? What did I tell you about barging into my room without knocking on the bloody door first?!?” Murdoc yelled as he slammed his laptop shut and promptly concealed it under as many blankets as he could.

“You won’t believe this but your robot, Cyborg Noodle…”

“I know, I know. The robot I built that Noodle decapitated.”

“Yes! I mean…no! No she’s not decapitated, she’s alive! And I’ve been texting with her.” 2D thrust his phone screen Murdoc’s face. “This is her spreading, uh, Christmas cheer at a market in Lincolnshire.”

Murdoc could feel himself shaking from excitement and half-hearted attempts to appear genuinely surprised. How could it be so easy? Even as he did his best to feign surprise his words came out intermittently between sniggers. “Is that….so?…Um…no…way! Didn’t…see..that one…coming.”

“Yeah,” 2D said as turned the screen back towards himself. He stared at it lovingly, oblivious to Murdoc’s near hysterics. “And..isn’t it kinda funny how she chose to contact me before you? Probably did because I was the only one who still believed she was alive.” He laughed lightly and the paused, clearly rethinking his previous jab. “But I wouldn’t think anything of it. She said her microcontroller was damaged by seawater so I’m sure she just forgot - let’s, uh, let’s send her something right now. I’m sure you have so many questions.”

That made Murdoc pull himself together. He had forgotten that the phone was still sitting on his bed. Immediately he laid down on top of it. “Actually, mate, let’s…let’s not. All the promotional tweets I sent today have left me completely knackered. So I’m just going to go to sleep now. Okay?” And without waiting for 2D’s response, he pulled the cover over his head. “Goodnight.”

“But..But, Murdoc,” 2D’s voice pleaded. “It’s Cyborg Noodle. She was your creation? Don’t you want to ask her how she’s been?”

“Of course, of course! Um…how about..tell her I said hi. Yeah. Sound good? Now get out.”

“We should see if she wants to get to-”

“Out!”

“Okay, okay!” 2D sounded slightly dejected. “‘Night, Murdoc.”

Murdoc waited until he heard his door closed before he opened the phone again and changed the setting to silent. Then he settled into bed and continued to plot.

Murdoc did not expect 2D to be such an avid texter. Not being much of a phone person himself, it wasn’t something he engaged the singer in very often. However, as Cyborg Noodle, Murdoc found himself chatting with 2D every few hours. In some ways it was mildly annoying- for example, 2D would send texts in the middle of the night asking about non urgent things like which pair of socks he should wear the next day- but it also enabled Murdoc to develop his story.

In a short time, Murdoc, as Cyborg Noodle, was able to convince 2D to keep their correspondence a secret lest he wanted the real Noodle to hunt her down and destroy her for real this time. He also established what he thought was a riveting backstory- that Cyborg had joined up with a pirate crew before getting capsized by cyclone in the Bermuda Triangle leaving her stranded in Puerto Rico for a few years where she worked briefly at a wildlife sanctuary for cave rats.

But as funny as 2D simply believing that he was talking to the real Cyborg Noodle was, Murdoc was incapable of not taking things at least three times as far and the needed to go. If 2D had been plotting to make a laughing stock of him, then Murdoc was going to get back at him twofold. The singer had been asking to visit with Cyborg, and if that’s what he wanted, that’s what he would get. It was time for them to “meet up.”

“I don’t quite get it,” 2D said, squinting at his phone screen as they sat at the kitchen table one afternoon. “I entered what she said in google maps and it looks like it’s in the middle of an empty parking lot.”

“Hmm.” Murdoc leisurely held the newspaper up so that it would cover his face. “I don’t know, mate. Maybe she wants to, uh, show you some of the sick cycling tricks she’s learned in Lincolnshire.”

“But then why is telling me to show up dressed like I’m going to a pool party? She’s also saying that in order for her to know that it’s safe to come out, I have to do the hokey pokey three times, or until I figure out what it’s really all about, and then howl at the moon until I see her.”

Murdoc snorted, doubling over as he tried to maintain the appearance of calmly reading.

“Are you alright there, Murdoc?”

Murdoc straightened his back and cleared his throat in an attempt to compose himself. “Who, me? Never been better”

“You sure you don’t want to come with?”

“I thought we already went over this. My schedule’s booked up indefinitely while we get everything in place for that live interview they’ve got scheduled for us later this week. Then I have a busy night a reading my fanmail after that. It’s just not going to work out.”

2D persisted, “But I know she would be happy to see you again, and you wouldn’t believe what she’s been up to.”

“So you’ve told me.”

“She gives really great advice, too.”

That comment made Murdoc grin a self-satisfied grin. He had always considered himself to be the wisest in the band but was always met with scoffs and sarcasm. Now that he was applying his talents as Cyborg Noodle, however, he was finally getting the recognition he deserved. Murdoc had discussed variety of topics with 2D as Cyborg Noodle including philosophy, where they saw the world going in the next twenty years, the purpose of humanity and more. 2D has also confided in Cyborg about his feelings about being in the band and even Murdoc himself, which he would try to sidestep as gracefully as possible.

“And we could pick some Belgian crepes from that ice water place on the way.” 2D still hadn’t given up.

“Look, I’m glad you’ve found yourself a great pen pal and all, but I’ve got better things to do. You better get going though, I’d wager Noodle’s set to be getting home from zumba any minute now.”

2D’s eyes widened and he quickly began to gather his things. “You’re right- I almost lost track of the time.”

“Tell me how it goes,” Murdoc called after him as he headed for the door.

After he was sure 2D was completely off the premises and that he was completely alone, he allowed himself some time for another round fully uninhibited laughter.

Murdoc spent the next few days having the time of his life. In addition to the parking lot, he also sent 2D to meet Cyborg Noodle in a sewer for a “drum circle” and on the roof of their neighbor’s house which nearly got him arrested. Of course, Cyborg Noodle never actually showed up and Murdoc would then text 2D as her later providing a vague explanation of why she could be there. And 2D fell for it every time.

What Murdoc didn’t keep track of, however, was just how much 2D actually believed he was talking to Cyborg Noodle.

“We have to help her, Murdoc. I think there’s something terribly wrong. She must be in some kind of trouble,” 2D said as he got his mic hooked up. “I waited in the parking lot for six hours on the roof last night and all she told me was that she was okay. But I don’t think she is. Something keeps stopping her from coming out of hiding. You didn’t program her to be this unreliable.”

“She’s told you she was coming to the states for vacation, maybe she wants you to leave her alone. She doesn’t have time for whatever inane prattle you were sending her.” It was true. Murdoc had already answered around twenty messages that morning. Some of them were spent reiterating to 2D that Cyborg Noodle had a busy vacation schedule and but the rest were just one word responses to 2D as he talked about a new brand of hummus he had tried the other day. “Besides, we’re on for this interview in ten, so all this rescue mission talk is going to have to wait.”

“That’s it, Murdoc!” 2D turned to him suddenly, excited. “The interview! I know we already picked out questions but we could slip in a question about her during the interview!”

Murdoc froze. “Ummm, 2D,” he stammered out nervously, “Remember what she told you about sharing this with others…”

Suddenly it dawned on him that he had never established a set timeline to determine when the joke was supposed to end. Was the ultimate goal to tell 2D on live television and laugh at him for being so gullible? Murdoc wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. But why not? He thought to himself. What did he care if 2D learned his new best friend wasn’t actually real in front of hundreds of thousands of fans?

“No, no, it’ll be okay. We can use, the, uh, the bystander effect. You know, the thing where the more people know something’s wrong, the more likely it is that someone will help!”

“Actually, it’s the other way aroun-”

2D was out of his chair and talking to the producer before Murdoc could finish his sentence.

Immediately, Murdoc made a frantic attempt to run over there himself but was quickly intercepted and ushered towards the interview room. From across the room, 2D gave him a thumbs up, mouthing to him that “it was all going to be alright now.” Murdoc responded by motioning frenetically with his hands to him to stop, but by that time, 2D was no longer paying attention to him. Well, Muds, he thought to himself, looks like you really fucked this one up.

Needless to say, the car ride home did not go well.

“I can’t believe you’d still call yourself her friend,” Murdoc snapped. “Now everyone in the whole bloody world knows where she lives including Noodle. A lot of good that will do!”

In reality, he was more angry at himself for not putting an end to the whole joke sooner. Now, he would be stuck not only having to explain himself to the rest of his band, but to fans as well. Murdoc did not like having his pranks known about as they were happening because now, the spin was out of his control. All he had wanted was a good laugh that he could then use as a fun party story where he dictated the narrative. 2D had unknowingly thwarted that.

“It’s going to do a lot of good!” 2D countered. “I’ve already gotten some messages from people who want to actually want help, unlike you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Murdoc grumbled back as he parked the car.

“It means that you’ve known about her since she started talking to me and anytime I invite you to talk to her or come with me to meet her, you always have something better to do as if she didn’t spend years working for you and helping you work on the last album.”

“She’s a robot, 2D.”

“No, Murdoc, she’s your robot. And she’s in trouble. She helped you when you were in trouble. So why are you acting like she never existed? You can’t just forget about her like that.”

Murdoc sighed. Maybe now was the time to tell him.

“You know, D, there’s actually a reason for that…” He trailed off, picking at his keys. This was harder than he thought. When he had started texting him, he remembered looking forward to the day he revealed himself. In the current moment, however, it didn’t feel so good and Murdoc was frustrated in searching for why exactly that was. He usually prioritized his feeling’s over 2D’s, and this reveal was supposed to be funny. So what was holding him back?

“See here,” 2D had moved on to the messages in his inbox. “There these two blokes from MTV who specialize in helping people who have online friendships. The show is called Catfish and they’re saying they can find out where she is with no problem.” He held up his phone and tapped on the screen where the message began “And we were thinking of partnering with MTV anyway, right? I think this could be good. We could use our episode to show Noodle that there can be room for more that one guitarist.”

“NO!”

“No?”

“Yes, no. I mean, 2D, mate, I think, you’re getting a little ahead of yourself here.” Internally Murdoc was berating himself relentlessly for everything he did, or in this case, didn’t do up until the interview, as well what a pathetic job he was doing at masking the uncertainty in his voice. “We don’t need MTV, in fact, we don’t need anybody because this is just some stupid-”

He was interrupted by a tap on the window behind him. It was Russel. He was gesturing enthusiastically towards what looked to be some takeout bags that he was holding up to the window.

“Picked up some Thai from the new place downtown,” he said. “Wanna bite? Consider this my way of saying that everything’s cool and sorry about interrupting your interview.”

“Oh look, Murdoc, Russel bought us dinner.”

This was too out of control.

“Oh, fuck it!” Murdoc explained as he got out of the car and slammed the door.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try some of the food Russ has got us? Murdoc?”

“What’s gotten into him?” He heard Russel ask 2D as he walked away.

“I dunno. Maybe he’s allergic…”

Without looking back Murdoc flipped both of them off and retreated to his room. He could only hope that 2D wouldn’t do anything more to publicize the story and that he had been distracting enough during the live interview that maybe the fanbase would forget Cyborg Noodle was even mentioned.

He devoted part of the evening to reviewing his options. It was either come tell 2D the truth in private or allow 2D to find out the truth on national television. As he polished off his first bottle of rum Murdoc frowned. Both options involved telling 2D and that was what he wanted to avoid. Why? He asked himself again. The whole point of the prank in the first place was to tell 2D but now all he got was a nauseous feeling in his stomach when he thought about it.

In the meantime his spare phone had been lighting up with messages from 2D asking a long line of questions.

I’m okay. He typed back, not bothering to read them all. I’m okay, he thought in his head, trying to convince himself. I’m okay, I’m okay. It wasn’t working.

Then it came to him. He would have just have to prepare. 2D could get them an episode of Catfish if he wanted to, Murdoc could fake his way through that easily. Then, he would have Cyborg Noodle go on a pilgrimage to some rural village in India and then she would disappear. All he needed were some more pictures for her Instragram.

The rest of the night found him in a frenzied cycle of editing pictures, drinking and texting with 2D as the singer wondered to Cyborg why Murdoc had been acting so strange. Murdoc hardly remembered his replies.

He hadn’t even noticed that he had fallen asleep until he felt the hand on his shoulder shaking him awake.

“Thought I told you not t’come in my room without knocking…” He slurred.

“Well we have a meeting with the team in less than an hour and you were nowhere to be found,” came the exasperated reply. “What were you doing all night with all these old picture of Cyborg Noodle up in MS Paint?”

It was Noodle.

Murdoc shot up and reached for his laptop. He instantly regretted that decision as his headache set in. Still, he would have to try to explain himself. “S’not what it looks like! I was, um, I was making, um, flyers?”

Noodle was looking at the screen with an amused look on her face as she sat down next to him. “So this is why 2D has been glaring at me every night at dinner. Murdoc, what exactly were you trying to accomplish with this?”

“He started it with his stupid video blog idea! But now he’s gone and got us an episode of Catfish and I’m going to be found out on national television!”

Noodle chuckled. “Well, you should probably tell him then.”

“I can’t!”

“Why not?”

Murdoc thought. He thought back to some of their exchanges where 2D had expressed how he happy he was to have someone to talk to and how much he appreciated the advice Cyborg Noodle gave. He thought back to the long conversation they had about him, and how 2D had seemed genuinely interested in learning what he could do to make Murdoc feel better.

“It’s just….” Murdoc didn’t know how to finish. “It’s just…” There was no way he was actually feeling this way. “It’s just that he’s so connected. He really believes it’s her and talks to her every day, she’s…she’s like his best mate!”

Noodle shook her head, smiling. “All he was doing was talking to you, Murdoc. You’re his best mate. Or, you were his best mate, at some point.”

Murdoc felt his heart start to race. “Nuh uh, no. That’s completely mental.”

“I know, right?” Noodle looked at him knowingly. “You’ve certainly done a pretty poor job of that. But this crisis you’re having right now? That’s a good sign.”

“How could any of this be a good sign?”

“Well, what are you feeling right now?”

“Like it’s time for a pint.” Murdoc looked around the room. He knew there had to be another bottle of something around somewhere. “And like there’s a little man with a hammer trying to bulldoze his way out my skull.”

“You know what I mean,” Noodle said as she gently pulled the laptop into her lap and began to scroll. “Last time you went to a therapy appointment with 2D she told you that you need to start expanding your feeling word vocabulary so you can verbalize your emotions more easily. Like ‘happy’ or ‘sad.’” She studied the screen intently before chuckling again. “I don’t even understand how you fooled him. These pictures aren’t even fully transparent.”

“Beats me.”

Closing the laptop, Noodle turned to him. “Well whatever the case, you need to sort out what it is that your feeling and make a decision about what you want to do.”

Murdoc groaned in response.

“I’ll leave you with two things. One, you know that if Russel and I had our way, we wouldn’t be a band anymore, but we’re respecting the fact that you and 2D still have issues you need to work through so we’re giving this another shot.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Murdoc rubbed his temple as he thought. “I feel…I feel…”

“Upset because 2D will be upset when he finds out?”

“No!…I mean…I don’t know. I feel. That’s all. I just feel.” And so far, he didn’t like the sensation one bit.

“And that’s not a bad thing. It’s not bad to feel, Murdoc. I think sharing that with him would actually mean a lot.”

“But…”

Thoughts race through Murdoc’s head. But what if he never wanted to talk to him again? What if he fell into a depressive episode? But none of that felt safe to say. Noodle would probably think he was being stupid or she would go and tell everyone.

“But what if he’s gets so peeved he doesn’t want to be in the band anymore?” Yeah, he would go with that.

“Well, I can’t answer that for him. It’s something you’re just going to have to accept as a possible outcome…if you decide to tell him,” Noodle said as she got up to leave. “But anyways, the second thing was that our meeting is in fifteen minutes so unless you want to be left out of planning again you ought to get yourself up.”

She left Murdoc still buried in blankets to stew over his options. He surveyed his bed, eyes scanning over the phone, the laptop, the empty bottle of liquor. Slowly he sat up and exhaled sharply. It was all a huge mess. All of it. And now he was the one who was going to have to fix it.

A few days later, Murdoc found 2D in the backyard disassembling one of his keyboards. Stopping just short of where the singer sat he sat, not appreciating the how anxious their impending interaction was making him. Usually, Murdoc tried to avoid these types of situations whenever possible because the way they made his thoughts race and his heart pound made it nearly impossible to get a word out. He was in the process of trying to string together a simple greeting but then settled on clearing his throat awkwardly.

2D turned.

“Oh, um, hey, Murdoc,” 2D said. The expression on his face was warm, but the intensity of his gaze was another story.

Murdoc instantly regretted seeking him out while he was working. 2D on a day-to-day basis was always a little bit spaced out, lacked an adequate fight or flight response and was all around pleasant. 2D in work mode was an entirely different animal. When 2D was fully concentrating, his sense of observation was, as far as Murdoc knew, unrivaled and he could pick out any tiny detail or idiosyncrasy in whatever person or object was the target of his focus. It worked well for when Murdoc wanted him to customize an instrument, pick out what a new song they were working on was missing or woo fans, but when Murdoc himself was the subject it did nothing but make him feel…Makes me feel? He searched for the “feeling word.” Vulnerable. Yeah, that sounded right.

“Are you alright?” 2D’s voice ushered him back to the moment. “You look like you’re going to be ill.”He paused tapping the screwdriver he was using idly against the keyboard. “But that would make sense. That chicken Russel made for dinner looked well, you know, a little, uh, under-cooked which…isn’t quite like him to overlook but we can’t all be perfect…”

“It’s not that,”Murdoc blurted out. “We, uh….we need to talk.”

He was too nervous to look 2D right in the eye and instead focused on badly drawn graffiti that decorated the side of the house.

“You want to, um, oh I don’t know…swing downtown for some crepes?”

2D pondered the request briefly before replying, “Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

The car ride over contained little conversation. It mostly consisted of 2D flipping through the radio to find different songs to sing along to and Murdoc staring straight ahead at the road, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel so hard in an attempt to maintain his composure.

When they arrived, Murdoc was relieved to find the shop relatively empty. 2D capitalized on the short line by ordering not one but three crepes with every topping available. Murdoc opted for one. He wasn’t even sure he could trust himself to eat that.

“So, uh, 2D, mate, um,” he said as he watched the singer shovel scoop after scoop of the pastry into his mouth. “You know how you’ve been talking to Cyborg Noodle lately?”

“Oh yeah, Cyborg. She was telling me she flew back to Lincolnshire and may not be in touch for awhile.”

Murdoc stared down at his plate, moving it around with his fork as he continued, “Yeah. About that. Um, how would you feel if she was, um….not who you thought she was.”

2D looked puzzled. “What do you mean? Why would she be anyone other than herself?”

“Because….” Just spit it out you spineless coward, he internally berated himself. “Because…”

“Because?”

“Becauseitwasallme.Iwasheranditwasallsupposedtobeajoke. There!” Murdoc then scooped as much of his crepe off the plate as his fork would allow and shoved it into his mouth; anything to avoid being completely still.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw 2D’s face slowly go from inquisitive to shocked. This was soon followed by a loud clang of his fork hitting the table as it fell from his hand.

“You mean…it was all a lie? You were lying to me?” 2D’s tone was heavy with hurt and betrayal. Murdoc could see the crestfallen expression on his face as he leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

Murdoc gulped, suddenly feeling like everyone in the shop was watching him, accusing him. He was angry at himself, too, for choosing to eat some of his crepe because now he was feeling even more nauseous than before.

“It’s not, no, I didn’t meant, well…” He threw his hands out in exasperation. “How was I supposed to know you were going to believe it THAT much? And it’s not like it would have even happened in the first place if you hadn’t-“ He stopped.

Murdoc hadn’t looked directly over to 2D in a few minutes, and initially he thought the singer was crying. Or maybe he had gone into shock. Or maybe he had his fork and was going to jump across the table to attack him.

As he placed his full attention on him, he was slightly disturbed to realize that it was actually the opposite. 2D was laughing.

“Wait, what?”

2D didn’t answer him at first. Instead, he went through multiple cycles which consisted of laughing and eating his ice cream, regaining his composure and losing it again when he tried to look at Murdoc.

“What the hell has gotten into you? Have you lost your bloody mind?” Murdoc asked again, now slightly annoyed. “You have one minute to answer me before I call in an emergency hospital petition and-”

“Oh, Murdoc.” 2D shook his head as he tried to catch his breath. “I’ve know it was you for some time now.”

“You what?” Murdoc was flabbergasted. “You…you knew? And you didn’t tell me?”

2D snorted. “You really thought I was crying didn’t you?”

“When did you find out? How?”

“Well, I guess, officially the last day or so. The last long conversation I had with Cyborg Noodle, where I was telling her I was worried about you, she replied ‘I’m okay,’ and I thought, ‘that’s weird, I was just talking about Murdoc not her.’ Then whenever I opened family sharing I could see that all Cyborg Noodle was actually at our house…all the time.”

Murdoc looked at him, perplexed. How drunk had he been that night? How did 2D know what family sharing was? What was family sharing?

“I’m on my phone a lot, you see,” 2D answered, as if reading his mind. “But then again I feel like I always knew in some sort of way. That one night we were talking about horror movies and she sent me a thirty text long tirade about The Wicker Man remake kinda tipped me off too.”

“So wait, you…?” Murdoc pointed at him. Once again, his thought were flowing by faster than he could locate the words. “You knew? But then you didn’t…? And then you…?” Finally he arrived at what he had been building up to saying, sort of. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s okay.” There was warmth in 2D’s voice. “And I, uh, I hope you don’t mind how I had some fun with it at the end; thought you could use a taste of your own medicine. Was my acting convincing?”

“Did I mind?” Murdoc was struggling to compute what exactly was happening. As it stood, 2D had skipped ahead at least two steps of their usual fight and make up cycle. “What..what about you? Aren’t you mad at me for being a unrepentant arse who borders on sociopathy or something?”

“I was a little peeved at first. Do you know how long I waited on the roof that one day? But then I went back and re-read the conversation we had the night of the interview, that one exchange where I talked about how Gorillaz was all you had because whenever we’re not together you end up in jail or about to be murdered or something and you agreed instead of trying praise yourself, and it all made sense…”

“You felt bad for me.” That’s what it sounded like. It made Murdoc feel even more pathetic.

“No, not exactly. It was more like…” 2D looked at him closely, as if he was search for the right word to suddenly manifest on Murdoc’s forehead. “It was more like, surprised, pleasantly surprised…pleasantly surprised that you were the one feeling bad. You were regretting something. ”

“Well, I don’t know if I would go that far.”

“It isn’t anything to ashamed of, Murdoc. I don’t know why you’re treating it that way.”

“I guess…I well…I don’t know. Er, regretting things isn’t exactly my modus operandi, if you, heh, know what I mean.”

Second guessing, self-doubt, regret; they were all emotions that he had been trying to evade or repress since childhood because otherwise, he was sure they would have destroyed him.

“I do.”

Murdoc was not used to hearing the level of empathy that was present in 2D’s voice from anyone. The singer still didn’t know everything about his background, no one did really, yet he found himself completely believing him.

“And if it makes you feel any better,” 2D went on, “I enjoyed talking to Cyborg. You do quite well playing as a dead robot modeled after Noodle. And those photos you put on that fake Instragram of hers were bang on. Yet you still can’t figure out how to upload a video to your Youtube channel…” He grinned a crooked grin, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

Once again, Murdoc was left wondering whether 2D was joking with him or insulting him. This time, however, he was grateful for how it helped to alleviate the weight he felt like he had been carrying around for days.

“Oh, ouch, and here I thought we were just starting to be friends again.”

Though he continued to smile, 2D shook his head. “I think we’ve still got some ways to go before that…”

It stung, but it was true.

“But,” 2D said, motioning towards the table and Murdoc. “I think all of this went well. I’m being serious now, Murdoc, you didn’t have to talk to me one on one like this but you did. We’re taking it one day at time like we agreed on when we got back together, and if you asked me now, I’d say it’s going, um, pretty well. I think if we were to think of it in friendship bracelets terms, we’d be at half a bracelet.”

Half a bracelet. Murdoc could work with that.

“Yeah, and if that plot twist you pulled at the end here is any indication it looks like I might even have some competition.”

2D smirked. “Yeah, you might be surprised about that.”

Murdoc took another bite of his crepe. He hadn’t felt hungry in a few days now, and he welcomed the feeling.

“So, uh, not that that’s settled, what are we going to do about Cyborg? In case you forgot, you only announced her existence to our entire fanbase…”

2D shrugged, “I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.”

“Nothing?”

“Well, yeah. Let’s just let her be out there. Y’know…I guess she’ll always be there in some sort of way…even though she’s gone. It wouldn’t be that weird would it? A lot of things do that anyway- staying with us, I mean, even after they’re gone or we’ve moved on. But we can still exist anyways.”

It was dark by the time they walked out to the car. The night sky seemed clearer that it usually was, the artificial light from the city doing little to obscure the stars as they so often did. As he took in the sight, Murdoc mulled over what 2D had said back at the shop. 2D said a lot things that straddled the line between wise and nonsensical, and Murdoc liked to make fun of him for it. This time, however, the singer’s words followed him all the way to the car and lingered in his mind as he sat in the driver’s seat. There was still a lot he was grappling with internally, but he could exist. Sure, there were thoughts, emotions and behaviors involved in existing as a human being that still absolutely terrified him. But the day had proven to him that, even after fifty years of only embracing the parts of himself that he deemed safe, it wasn’t too late. He could still exist, and exist fully, in spite of it all.

And he was feeling the effects of this new attitude as he started up the engine. For example, he no longer felt like he needed to grip the steering wheel in a death grip, and as 2D flipped the radio on, he felt inclined to sing along.

“And, Murdoc…Um, if you don’t want me to tell the others about this, I understand,” 2D said.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t ever had meaningful conversations like the one they had that night. In the past, Murdoc wouldn’t always want the others to know because, well, he was Murdoc and 2D was 2D, and that wasn’t how they were supposed to settle things, or at least that was how Murdoc had reasoned it out in his mind.

Taking in a deep breath, Murdoc shook his head and answered, “I wouldn’t say it matters much either way.” It felt unusually liberating to say that. “But…what you can do is crank that volume up because that song right there happens to be a classic and it would a certified ethics violation to experience it at the volume you’ve got it on now.”

“You got it, mate.”

Then 2D turned the dial up so loud that Murdoc swore he could feel the car shaking. Perfect.

“That’s more like it!” Murdoc yelled as he pulled onto the main road. 2D nodded in response, a wide grin on his face.

It was unclear whether or not he actually understood a word of what Murdoc had said, but in the moment, his nod of encouragement was more than enough. I’m okay, Murdoc thought to himself but now it no longer felt like something was trying to convince himself to believe. Then he placed his foot on the gas and drove.

End.

#ficpost #i realized this could have been a multi chapter fic but i condensed it #i flop at being succinct ah oh well #murdoc

90 notes · View notes