#< not actually *set* to the demo tracks but the concept is taken from them (CFTSC my beloved <3)

[a-wins-a-win]

“Yeah, sure. I’m not really worried about it - I’m having fun with the play, everyone’s been really good. Peter especially thinks it’s the best thing in the world that I’m there, he’s always been… he loves it.” Jason trailed off somewhat, digging his teeth into his bottom lip. A sick feeling started forming in Daniel’s stomach as he watched Jason look away and let out a breath. “He’s always been really good, I’ve been really lucky to have him. As a roommate.”

no because Cut From The Same Cloth makes me insane you don't understand -

anyway. yet another self-indulgent little character piece up on ao3 - just know that if you hide, it doesn't go away

[ateez-himari]

Hi bb!!! How have you been!!! I've been busy with exams but i still have 4 to go, anywayssssss I'm back for more questionssss because I'm nosy🤭🤭

1-has hima ever gotten into scandalous scandals(lol) cause they're some crazy scandals in the industry, especially concerning female idols

2-how is hima's relationship with the other members' families, ik woo's younger brother would love her

3-during her career has anyone spoken badly about mimi, cause the industry thinks it's funny to always look down on ateez and steal their whole concept 🤦🤦

4-this might be weird so feel free to not answer it, butt have mingri ever been called out for their acts, especially during their tours cause I'm guessing they now share a room tgthr

5-what was himari's reaction to THIS

HE SHOULD'VE GAVE US A WARNING DAMN IT

Love you bb take care mwahh💓💓

Hi sweet!! I've been under a lot of stress but overall I'm okay! I only have 2 more exams to go so I'm feeling somewhat relieved. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR QUESTIONS I LOOK FORWARD TO THEM EACH TIME!! 🥰

• One of the biggest scandals came during 'Kingdom : Legendary War' because her scars were visible (not by choice) and people were claiming that she was promoting SH, even though most were aware that these were from the accident. The most recent scandal was actually not that long ago; people were calling her rude for cursing at one of the BTS antis that set up the funeral wreaths outside of the HYBE building, but obviously Atiny could not care less. (One of the antis started taunting her seeing that Himari was shaken by the wreaths - this girl literally almost lost her brother several times - so she walked over to them and said "how about you get a fucking job instead of obsessing over someone that will never know your name ? go home and get a life bitch")

The rest were mainly dating scandals (especially with Jungkook which made the two of them laugh so hard), scandals about how close she is with the members or even about how she started wearing clothes that are 'too feminine' and 'too sexy' (she used to insist on wearing the same clothes as the members but when she got comfortable with her femininity she started wearing more feminine clothing)

• The members' parents are so glad that there's a girl in their life to keep them in check, but after learning about her past they've all taken on some sort of parental role in her life as well (she's very close to Mingi & San's parents). Hima is really close to Haneul since she only has brothers, so having a sister figure is a welcome change. Getting close to Kyungmin was a little more difficult seeing as she's afraid of being around young children (an irrational fear developed through her childhood trauma) but the boy took to her so quickly that she had no choice but to accept - now he thinks of her as an older sister. She's not actually that close with the other siblings but they're close enough to be called friends

• So many people, especially variety/talk show hosts since being the only girl in an all male group makes her an easy target for jokes such as "you're living with 8 hot men and you haven't slept with any of them" or even questions about how she got into the group in the first place - even though the survival show demonstrates the grueling effort se put into obtaining that spot

Many of those people used Yoongi as an insult, saying that she was probably copying his production style or getting tracks from him, etc., even going as far as accusing her of plagiarizing smaller artists (that they conveniently did not name). So many claims were made about her talent, her dancing, her stage presence, image, etc., but nowadays she's beginning to snap back at them (the first that took hits was "Sun" from My Teenage Girl, she was so pissed that she stated "maybe i should have given the producers the original demo tracks, i bet they would have loved to copy that too since they're so unphased about taking the chorus. what else do they want ? our music show wins ?" when people defended the song saying it was a sample error she showed the instrumental to prove it was all from scratch

• So many times that at some point gossip sites were having field days, especially now that they've gone public since as we know there are always going to be people who refuse to accept idol relationships. People were finding it 'inappropriate' that she would so casually sit on his lap during lives, that they kissed so publicly, etc. A lot of 'fans' even criticized them for most likely being intimate while they were sharing the same hotel room - which at some point Mingi had enough of and simply said "yeah, so what ? how do you think my verse in 'man on fire' was written?"

• Hima has seen Mingi in much less clothing many times over their relationship but these pictures had her going absolutely FERAL, she practically jumped his bones the second they were uploaded. She didn't even say anything, just dragged him into his room and the other members knew it was time to leave. This woman was practically drooling over them, she squealed so hard into the couch cushions that he came rushing out of the shower

HE REALLY SHOULD HAVE, I WAS HALF ASLEEP AND THE SECOND I OPEN MY PHONE THIS POPS UP ?? THIS IS MADNESS, HE WANTS US DEAD

Love you too Mina!! Good luck on your exams and take good care of yourself! Mwahhh 😘❤️

[sibyl-of-space]

oOOOOooohhhhhhhh i get it now. i have Identified the Problem that has caused the most recent amadeus-related crisis/spiral/whatever you want to call it.

there are 5-ish "roles" that i have taken on as a solo dev:

project manager

musician/sound director

programmer/implementation engineer

writer/narrative lead

artist/art director

and for each i THOUGHT i had figured out how to tackle them.

project management: I've had some experience managing collaborative projects (GBA collab album, mystery jam game), I also solicited advice from other indie devs I met at Seattle Indies Expo, and I *also* applied what I learned about how we manage projects in facilities at my day job using Asana and have applied that to Amadeus. I very consciously treated this as a skill to learn and taking that specific skill seriously has helped a lot.

music: ...I straight up went to grad school for this. I took like a billion units every semester so I could learn as much as possible about composition AND mixing/production. This is the one thing I actually have a strong background in. I have the skillset and I also have People I can ask for feedback and advice. The music is lowkey going to carry this whole project.

programming: I went into this knowing full well I have exactly One semester of Unity/C# under my belt and have no idea what I am doing. I have experience learning basic HTML and JavaScript and have reverse engineered most of Ghost Trick's code via ROMhacking, so I have a sort of janky skillset, but it's very amateur and I knew that. I have asked SO many questions to people who are more experienced. KNOWING that this is my weakest suit has let me ask for help when I need it, and also accept that even the most polished possible form of this game is still going to be jank as fuck. That's fine. My #vision will still come through.

writing: the whole reason I set aside an entire month to just focus on the Mystery Jam game was because I knew I needed more experience writing, and specifically writing mystery. I've spoiled the whole game to two different people who have writing experience in order to bounce ideas and get feedback. I've asked for workflow advice from a third person with writing experience. Identifying this as a weakness has helped me focus on improving it, and because of that I am really happy with where it's at right now.

Which leads us to....

...art.

My problem with art is that as of about 2 years ago, I was much more confident in my art than I was in basically anything else except music, because I have drawn stuff my whole life and have a shitload of informal practice at it. So I focused very heavily on the other stuff that was very obviously a weakness.

But, as we approach the final months of Go Time to finish the first episode... I'm like, hm, it turns out that the art and art direction of a visual novel are kind of important.

I *like* all of the assets I've drawn for the currently existing demo, but there are specific things about the overall look I don't quite like, and there is a specific metanarrative Thing that I have been trying to evoke with what I'm doing visually and I feel like sticking to that is at odds with making assets that look and "feel" right.

Basically I haven't really thought as much about art direction as I should have since finishing the demo because I kinda figured I could coast on the fact I consider myself a pretty good artist. I can make things that look Nice. But now that I've worked hard at my other areas of weaknesses, the fact I haven't really sat down with my art direction in the past 4-5 months is really starting to become obvious.

All this to say.

My "assignment" for this afternoon is to sit outside listening to all the tracks I've written (including new WIP ones no one but me has heard yet CUZ THEYRE AWESOME im SO excited about the new tracks im writing for this) and reading through my revised narrative with certain finalized plot points and concepts, and just sketching out visually what the game Should Look Like. I am almost certain I can still use the assets I've already drawn, like the sprites and backgrounds and icons and such, but I may edit them differently, or add to them, or otherwise change something about them. I just need to make some choices because I'm feeling stuck and I need to get un-stuck if I am going to finish this game AND I AM DETERMINED TO DO SO.

[kim-bobbae]

54. “I made reservations.”

I miss him so much and I hope he’s resting up, I just want to take care of him and be his comfort person TT

“To be really honest, I have no idea what he’s busy with until I see a recording or photoshoot of his on my schedule, and then I’m summoned to do his hair and makeup,” You laughed. “At this point I think it’s a relief he renewed his contract with AOMG instead of signing with H1GHR, don’t you think?” 

“I’m right, he really is the dad that’s never home,” Wonjae chuckled, tugging lower on his beanie. 

You were in the car on the way back to the AOMG headquarters after Wonjae’s photoshoot where Pumkin had dropped by in support since it was his first ever solo shoot for W magazine when the topic of Jay came about as you guys discussed the responses received from the interview they had done that was uploaded just a few days ago. With how busy Jay had been and how rare it was to see him around at the AOMG headquarters, their questions on what he had been up to very naturally fell on you because who else would know better if not for his girlfriend, right? 

Wrong. You had absolutely no idea either. 

Yes, there was the H1GHR compilation – you knew that much – but so did everyone else. The fact that you didn’t know much more than that surprised them, to say the least. 

“Do you want me to nag at him a little and drop him a hint or two? I could do that,” Pumkin offered. 

“Oh please no, I don’t think he’ll be too pleased if he finds out I’m whining about him to you guys behind his back.” 

“Not exactly, we’re the ones asking you about him,” Wonjae rebutted. 

“Yeah, when was the last time you guys went on a date?” Pumkin asked. “Don’t count the ones where you guys order delivery from the office or his studio, those aren’t counted.” 

“Why not? Those are dates…” 

“I see where the problem lies now,” Wonjae snickered. 

“C’mon, you guys are making this a bigger deal than it actually is,” You remarked. “We’ve been dating for years now, we’re past that.” 

A few days passed since then with nothing really out of the ordinary except for a dinner with your friends that you’ve managed to fit into your schedule after clearing an important deadline. With a couple of music releases coming up, you were attending meetings with different artists, talking to them about their ideas and concepts, proposing hairstyles, make up and clothing that would be suitable for their music videos and teaser images. 

While the job did sound manageable, the very act of browsing endless collections of the latest fashion releases was extremely time consuming, and squeezing in a short conversation or two with Jay via text message was, in fact, pretty much the norm these days with the both of you being so busy. Not that you minded – you just got used to it. 

And so did he. 

You understood though, really. You understood that he was a busy man and while you were important to him, he simply could not afford to put you in the center of his world. But he tried, and he did all he could to show you that. Yet, with that workaholic nature of his and all the people he had to put on for, work would always be his priority. 

It was just hard facing up to it last week when you tried your luck at getting some affection by cuddling up to him while he was reviewing some tracks during the ten minute window that the both of you were left alone in the studio – you couldn’t help it, it’s been a whole month (!!!) – only to earn a ‘I’m working, babe’ in a tone you don’t usually appreciate. He apologized, of course, realizing that he had hurt your feelings from the way you retreated quietly to another room, but it did enough to keep you from attempting it again for the remainder of the week. 

“Dinner tonight?” 

A message notification flashed across your screen. It was Jay. 

You didn’t think much of it though and readily agreed to it. For a split second, you wondered if Pumkin had a part to play in this and the smirk on his face as the receptionist walked in to the office towards you with a bouquet of roses in hand only confirmed your suspicions. 

“Looks like someone sent you flowers,” She said, handing it to you. 

Now Jay wasn’t really one who’d be into these flashy, romantic gestures, especially in front of his employees, and the number of heads that turned towards your direction with knowing smiles on their faces made you understand exactly why. 

Take a longer lunch break to get ready if you need to, I’ll be at the office at 7pm to pick you up.

You raised a brow at the formalities as you read the message on the card. Having been together for years, being on the receiving end of this somewhat grand gesture all of a sudden needed some getting use to again but with everyone’s attention on you and the extremely elaborate bouquet, you quickly set is aside, an embarrassed smile the best you could muster in response to their reactions before you got back to work. 

Consumed by your pile of work, you had completely lost track of time since then but it wasn’t hard to tell that it was already 7pm from the way your colleagues peeped curiously from behind their desk dividers, stifling their excited giggles and from their reaction you could already guess that Jay was here. It wasn’t every day that they could catch a glimpse of their boss’s love life, after all. 

“Ready to go?” He asked, and what ensued was a moment of confusion the second you turned around to face him. 

He was all cleaned up in a black tee shirt and dress pants, hair styled back and you were pretty sure those were some new shoes from his two hundred deep sneaker collection while there you were, in a pair of skinny jeans and oversized sweater and it was obvious that you guys weren’t dressed for the same occasion. 

You hesitated, “…last minute schedule to attend to?”

“No…I’m taking you for dinner?” He mused, gesturing to the flowers. “I made reservations.” 

“Yeah but…you didn’t tell me that I had to get dressed up,” You replied sheepishly. 

“I did,” He laughed. “You just didn’t take me seriously.” 

“You said ‘if you need to’,” You argued in a hush whisper. “Plus, the last time you picked me up we had tacos at the diner just down the street.” 

For a while he stared at you, and so did everyone else and in all honesty, it was getting slightly embarrassing by now. Thankfully, Jay caught on your discomfort from the way you played with your fingers and bit on your lips as you waited for his reply. 

“It’s okay, we’ll sort this out,” He reassured in a soft voice, grabbing the bouquet in one hand and yours in the other. “Let’s go.” 

“Where are we going…?” You asked once the both of you were in the car. 

The fact that one of his managers wasn’t driving you guys and that he was instead driving his Bentley for the first time in ages did explain something about what he had planned but for now, everything about this made you nervous. This was so unlike him – excluding the first year of your relationship, that is. 

“We’re going to your favorite Italian restaurant,” He explained. “But I guess we should drop by your place to get you dressed up first, huh?” 

“Sorry about that,” You murmured, and he couldn’t help but titter at the way you stared down at your outfit with a sigh. 

You wasted no time and tossed your bag aside upon reaching home, making a beeline towards your wardrobe and immediately started sieving through your dresses. Despite the rough start, you had to admit that this was rather exciting. Heck, you couldn’t even remember the last time the both of you had a proper date night and the fact that he had taken the time to plan this amidst his schedule? Damn you were about to dress the hell up. 

You hastily put on the dress that you had picked out, a fairly new one from the few that you had saved up for rare occasions like these, then scurried to the living room where Jay was waiting. 

However, the sight of Jay burying his face in his hands looking absolutely worn had you somewhat stopping in your tracks. 

He was seated on the couch, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his lap as he squinted at his cracked phone screen. His brows furrowed as he tapped away at what sounded like a new message notification, then brought his phone up to his ears as he listened to what probably was a demo of one of the tracks off the album. Sure, he was dressed up, absolutely stunning, but how stressed he looked was definitely not a good look on him and at this point you weren’t sure how you’d feel about dinner if his mind was going to be miles away, back in his studio. 

“Wow,” He beamed upon noticing you then set his phone aside as he stood up. “You look beautiful.” 

“I could say the same for you, too.” 

“You okay?” He asked, cocking his head upon noticing that you seemed to be distracted in thought. 

“Yeah, of course.” 

“Come here, let me help you with that,” He smiled, noticing that the back of your dress was unzipped. 

But as he placed his hand on the zipper, you reached around to tug on his fingers, then turned around to face him. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“Why don’t…we just have dinner at home today?” You suggested, observing his reaction carefully. 

“Why the sudden change of mind...?” 

“I don’t know,” You sighed. “I mean, you seem really caught up with work, and I love that you took the time to plan a date, but I’m not sure if I can sit through that pretending that I am not seeing for myself how exhausted you are.” 

“No, no it’s fine,” He insisted. “I’m taking the night off to spend it with you.” 

The both of you glanced at his phone as it beeped again and then back at each other, and you could almost tell how he was already itching to respond to it. 

“I’ll cook us dinner, and we can postpone this date until after the album is released,” You told him. 

He looked at you, not quite sure if he was allowed to give in to you, especially after the little episode in his studio last week that had also been due to his work. 

“I’m not mad, I promise,” You giggled, reading him like a book. “Let’s stay in tonight.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, go get your MacBook from the car and carry on with your work while I cook but all I ask for though...” You started. “Is for your undivided attention after that. I’ll cook a stew if it gives you more time.” 

He exhaled deeply, taking a step towards you and pulled you in for a long embrace, “How do you always manage to make me feel better even though I’m the one who screwed up?” 

“You didn’t screw up,” You said, wrapping your arms around his broad frame. “You tried, and I appreciate that.” 

“That makes me feel worse...” He replied, cupping your face and stroking your left cheek with his thumb.

You leaned into his touch, smiling, “It’s no big deal, this is just one of your busy phases. Once the album’s released, I’ll have my boyfriend back. Easy.” 

“I’ll make up for it, alright? I promise,” He said, then leaned in to kiss you sweetly. 

“Seems like the only way to get kisses nowadays is to let you work, huh?” You taunted. 

“Baby…” He whined, the littlest pout creeping to his lips. “Let’s not go back there.” 

“I was kidding,” You sniggered. “Now give me another one to shut me up.”

[thetriggeredhappy]

yo what up im participating in (and hosting) sniperscout ship week, here’s the day 1 submission and yes i did in fact write 5k words because i am foolish. i am foolish. (warnings for canon-typical violence and mention of mental health issues, but nothing too wildly graphic)

[[Day 1: Fight | Flight]]

@sniperscout-ship-week

-

It didn’t make any sense.

The first few times it happened, the RED Sniper passed the situation off as accident and coincidence. The concept of the Humiliation Round had just been instated, and the teams were finally getting over their squeamishness at the concept. Their Soldier and Pyro were on board with the concept straight away, but it had taken time for the rest of them to follow—first Scout and Medic, then Demo and Engie, then Sniper. Spy was, as usual, difficult to read regarding the situation, and for Heavy it still depended from day-to-day. Sniper’s trick, when Heavy had brought it up one day, was to just not switch off combat mode; it made it feel less like stone-cold murder.

But being on the other side, the being hunted down and killed like dogs part? He still wasn’t entirely used to it. Of course he wasn’t.

He was among the best at hiding, though. He knew how to sit still, be quiet. He knew how to climb, how to hold his breath, how to spot a creaky floor.

The first time it happened, he was up in the rafters. It was dark up there, and unless someone looked really hard, they probably wouldn’t see him. He watched the BLU Scout dart into the area, take a quick glance around—the bill of his cap whipping this way and that, and just for a moment, up.

He held his breath. Didn’t move. The way the light was pouring into the room through the doorway, he couldn’t see the kid’s eyes, just the jut of his chin. Just the tightness of his jaw, poised to strike. He looked up, stared. Sniper didn’t move.

The BLU Pyro jogged in, and the BLU Scout’s head spun to face them, shoulders tightening further. Recognition, and they both relaxed, and began moving in the same direction now, out the other door.

Had the Scout seen him? Just shaken it off, assumed he was imagining things? Was he overlooked? Distracted? Did he decide it wasn’t worth climbing up just to get a kill?

It didn’t matter. For once—a rarity, even with his considerable hiding skill—Sniper survived a humiliation round.

The second time, he was just squeezed behind some boxes. He’d needed to discard his hat in order to fit, just tossed it off into a coil of ropes a few meters off to hopefully keep it slightly less dirty than it would be on the floor, but he was safe. Probably. Hopefully.

The other team’s Soldier passed on by without stopping, and thankfully their Pyro, but the Scout was a bit more thorough. He’d actually checked his corners, glancing around the enclosure briefly, and Sniper thought he was home free until the kid skidded to a stop at the doorway.

And moved to the corner nearest the door, and after a long moment, picked up Sniper’s hat.

The temperature within the room seemed to drop ten degrees.

The BLU looked around briefly, and from the tiny fraction of space Sniper could see him from, he saw that the kid’s movements were sharp. After previous years of working as a hunter, he could recognize an animal that just picked up a scent, and could sense its quarry nearby.

But then, all at once, the kid tossed the hat back down and dashed through the door.

Sniper blinked. He was so stunned that he barely noticed a minute or so later when the horn rang out to call off the BLUs.

Similar events. Similar close calls. Similar near misses. He started to wonder if maybe the BLU Scout was just dense, if he just didn’t have any awareness of the world around him. Except when Sniper was idly following his progress once during a match (admittedly because he was starting to get curious as to how he performed if he didn’t ever look around himself), he saw the kid’s reaction time, saw him glance over the RED Spy, disguised as a Soldier, for only a few seconds before shooting him point-blank. He dodged and weaved almost too quickly for Sniper to follow him. He knew the lay of the land well—maybe even better than the rest of the team.

Confusing, then, when he witnessed the Scout dart up to the base of his tower once during a humiliation round, skid to a stop, pause, and take off running in the opposite direction.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he understood. Maybe he’d understood since that first time, but that was the one that tickled its way through his head, and needed to be dismissed.

The next time left no doubt in his mind.

Sniper had nowhere to run. He was trapped in a corner, and while this area wasn’t frequented, it was also devoid of anywhere to hide. He was in the open. He tried to stop his hands from shaking.

Footsteps. The first thing he registered was the color blue, and his arms were up, the last-ditch instinctive effort to avoid getting shot.

Then he registered that it was the BLU Scout.

The kid noticed him right away, head tilting upward just slightly in recognition, and gun rising with it, and Sniper winced his eyes closed, readying himself for that void between consciousness and lack thereof, the space between death and life, suddenness and silence and suddenness again—

And the kid continued past him.

A pause. He blinked his eyes open. Looked around, disbelieving, and... no, yeah, the Scout was gone. No bullets fired. No bat swung.

A few moments later, the enemy Spy slunk through and slit his throat in one fell swoop, and Sniper woke up in Respawn still mulling things over.

Because the Scout saw him. He saw him and he didn’t shoot him. Didn’t even try. Was... was he busy gunning after some other RED who had spurned him? Did he just not care? Was Sniper’s “please don’t kill me please” face just that good? Not good enough to stop a Spy, apparently, but not much was. What had happened?

The next round starts, and Sniper sets about getting into position. Within the first thirty seconds of combat, he’s popped the heads of the enemy Soldier and Medic.

The enemy Scout—the enemy Scout, his enemy, on the other team is nowhere to be seen at first, and from the chatter over the radio, presumably there’s another skirmish happening elsewhere. Sniper is halfway through lifting his rifle to move to another side and observe it when he catches himself.

But the BLU had seen his hat before, hadn’t he, and probably put two and two together, surely. He was quick in that way, if he could catch a Spy based on a second or two of movement. He was quick that way, if he could decide to just keep running past Sniper without breaking his stride.

All at once, Sniper felt movement just behind him, and he spun in place, and received a knife right between his ribs instead of into his spine. He tried to lash out, but the knife retracted and his muscles seized, and then he was being stabbed directly in the heart. With a twist of the blade, and a sneer from the enemy Spy, he was send careening into death.

And he came out the other side, equipped his weapons, darted back into the field, and the thing is, the BLU Scout was among the enemies that Sniper ended up shooting the least often. He was just a smidge too quick, a smidge too dodgy and weave-y, a smidge too small of a target and to be frank, not really his job on the battlefield. That was more a job for Soldier, for their own Scout, for Heavy, for Pyro. Sniper dealt with most of the rest of the BLU blokes.

He set back up and moved to start popping heads again.

The teams traded off on wins and losses fairly regularly. Sniper hardly bothered keeping track. Hell, most days the humiliation rounds only lasted about four seconds, the team having already been wiped out in the moments before. So the weird situations were outliers. And Sniper slashed down the enemy Demo, like it’s nothing, because it’s nothing. Because none of this is anything. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t matter. It just didn’t.

A win. A loss. A win. A win. A loss. A win. A loss. A loss. A win.

And then he’s facing down the Scout, and convincing himself that it doesn’t matter is suddenly a lot more difficult.

Sniper was about a quarter mile from the rest of the fight, and he knew it would be pointless to try and rush over and snag a kill for the record. Instead, he climbed down, figured he could maybe hunt down the Spy (who’d been a bigger bother than usual all day) before the match reset. At the very least, he could start making his way back towards the lockers.

And all at once, he turned a corner and was left standing maybe five yards from the Scout.

The kid was half-hunched forward, practically cowering, and he was breathing fast. The moment he registered movement, he cowered even further, as if trying to melt into the wall he’d taken refuge against.

It didn’t matter.

Sniper had his blade drawn already, knowing that during this part of the match, it was the most efficient way to deal with enemies. The kid wasn’t armed. It would be quick.

It didn’t matter.

The kid hadn’t closed his eyes. He was watching the Sniper carefully, and slowly that alarm in his expression was filtering out, at the same speed that his breath evened out, at the same speed that he began to tentatively straighten up. 

It didn’t matter.

Sniper had his glasses on, but the kid seemed to be looking him right in the eyes.

It didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter.

And the alarm rang, signaling that the teams go back to their lockers.

It...

And the Scout was gone.

The days blended together. If the job was a fever dream, the weekends were waking up with a dry mouth and a wet towel on your forehead. The only reason they had the weekends at all was because some of the team had apparently been complaining about it. There was some vote, saying that sure, they’d get weekends, but they sure as hell wouldn’t get paid for weekends. Sniper wasn’t asked his opinion. It wasn’t that he cared, anyways; the money was just a vaguely justifiable excuse for why he had the job.

The weekends he spent with the hotter part of the day inside his little “house” with a cool drink, and the remainer he spent outside with another cool drink. He didn’t talk to the team, much. He was self-sufficient. He didn’t know what they would want to say to him, anyways.

One day, he slashed down the enemy Soldier during the main round, and again during the humiliation round. Another, he caught sight of the enemy Scout darting to safety behind a stack of boxes once his team was declared the loser, and Sniper went in a different direction.

It was very rare, the times they actually were face-to-face. Rare, and only a few seconds long, and then they were both gone again.

Some part of Sniper hated it because this was against the rules, surely. Some part of Sniper hated it because it was unprofessional, or maybe because not killing an unarmed man was what was professional and now that was being thrown into sharp relief again. Some part of Sniper hated it because he ended up looking forward to the next time he found himself face-to-face with the kid, because in those charged moments, those heavy looks, those muscles poised for escape, or defense, or attack, or all of the above, those were the only times Sniper could convince himself he actually felt anything anymore. Not when he killed, not when he sat outside in the middle of the day slow-cooking under the sun, not when he was slashed down like an animal, but when he was face-to-face with the only person on the entire planet in all twenty-nine years of his life who’d ever showed him the smallest, most infinitesimal little speck of mercy.

He’d worked very hard to stop feeling things when he hurt and killed people. It was a constant process. He had to concentrate very hard to keep his emotions under control. He was not ready to feel things again, because as soon as he let himself feel something—sympathy, or guilt, or even just satisfaction—he would come crashing back down, and he would just be a sad, broken man out all alone in the desert, ready to die at the whims of nobody who mattered to him, against the wishes of the only people who had ever cared about him, a world away.

Fuck.

Sniper was teetering on a razor’s edge, and for far too long. On one side, madness, inconsequence, the end of his humanity, and blessed numbness. On the other, something else that he didn’t know how to name, something that promised to make him feel, and pain. So much pain.

He was pushed—not to one side or the other, just forward along the edge.

When bases were suddenly switched between, to “keep the BLU bastards on their toes”, perhaps, or simply as a whim, there was always a brief period before fighting started officially. Many of the team members used the time to seek out melee fights to get themselves into the spirit of murder. Some used the time to reacquaint themselves with the spaces. Sniper just used the time to check out his usual nests, and to perhaps move things into position.

This was one of the colder bases, one of the bases where Sniper was glad to be (for the most part) cooped up in his box away from the biting wind and shards of cold. For that reason, he made his way across the field as quickly as possible, and decided to just lie low in one of his nests until the match started. The cold tended to sap all the energy out of him, anyways.

He spotted the BLU Scout somewhere in his leftmost periphery, and changed course away from his usual nest to one just to one side of the main path, often unfrequented.

He sat himself down in the dark and semi-warm, heard by the chatter over the radio that Heavy was taking a bit of extra time to arrive and gear up, and that the pre-match would likely take a few extra minutes. He lit a cigarette and checked on the blanket he stored in this particular little box, happy to find it only somewhat damp, and even then only on the outside. He tossed it onto another box and sat back to wait out the timer in relative peace, away from petty squabbles and his own team milling about loudly and complaining of the cold.

He heard a noise from the ladder, and drew his weapon, watching carefully. The noise was loud enough that it was probably not the enemy Spy, and was instead probably a teammate. Well, it could be the Spy pretending to be a teammate, but that was a rather complicated game to be playing considering that the actual match hadn’t even started and there was nearly nothing to be gained from such a ruse, and the fact that as far as he knew, the BLU Spy hadn’t even seen him come up here in the first place—

A flash of blue, and the Scout was half-hauled through the hatch, only from the ribs up, and looking at him.

Sniper didn’t put away his weapon, just watched the young man sharply, waiting for his next move.

The Scout hesitated, eyes flicking from the weapon to his face, and slowly raised his arms up to either side of his head in a form of unspoken surrender. He had a pistol drawn. Sniper didn’t move.

He continued to not move when the BLU slowly and carefully picked his way up over the lip and into the nest proper, half-knelt on the floor next to the hatch in parallel to Sniper’s half-lean against a rickety box. He lowered his hands, not holding his pistol properly, and moved to sit more comfortably.

Sniper could hear his own watch, and was unsure if the Scout could as well. He counted eighty-five ticks of silence and stillness between the two of them, the Scout still glancing at his weapon occasionally, Sniper’s own face unreadable behind sunglasses.

At eighty-six ticks, the Scout suddenly shivered, muscles tightening sharply to try and stop the involuntary movement. He looked cold, and no wonder, given his uniform.

Sniper’s eyes flicked, unseen, to the blanket on the crate just a few paces away, within arm’s reach of the Scout. Slowly, an almost imperceptible move, he ticked his head just slightly towards the blanket.

The BLU followed the tilt, head turning as if not particularly afraid of the Sniper striking when he looked away, eyes darting here and there—to a box of cigarettes, to a lighter, to an empty beer bottle, to the window—before catching on the quilt. A blink, and he kept wary eyes on the Sniper as he reached carefully for the blanket, even slower when pulling it towards himself. Sniper didn’t lower his knife, but he didn’t strike, or move forward.

The Scout wrapped himself in the blanket tightly, knees pulling up to his chest. He hesitantly put down the pistol he was holding to do so, and started moving a bit more confidently when Sniper still didn’t strike.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t.

“What the hell are you doing up here?” Sniper asked, voice quiet, just barely louder than the ticking watch.

The Scout seemed to think about it for a few ticks, then shrugged, a simple lift and drop of his shoulders, extremely casual, and Sniper was faced with the realization that he’d seen this person practically daily for years, and he was pretty sure he’d never seen him shrug before.

He was busy coping with that information when the Scout shivered again, moved to curl up just a bit further, settled there, eyes moving to look over the box of cigarettes, the lighter. It was a pretty cheap one—he tried not to buy things that he’d get attached to—with a red tartan pattern on the case. The Scout looked at that, and he looked at the Scout.

A minute and a half or so later—he’d lost track counting the ticks—he slowly moved to put his knife down. The Scout’s gaze flickered over at the sound of it clacking lightly against the wooden floor, then up to try to meet his through his glasses. He stared right back. And then maybe two minutes after that came the siren warning everyone that the match would be starting shortly, and the Scout startled at it, glancing out the window. He reluctantly shrugged off the blanket and folded it—not particularly neatly, but he folded it—and tossed it back where it belonged. He then promptly moved to scoop up his pistol and start making his way down the ladder.

Before he was out of sight, the Scout looked at him one more time. Glanced him over. His eyes lingered on his face, flicked to the cigarette box. Lingered again on the fact that Sniper had put his hand on the hilt of the knife again.

And ducked out of sight, down the creaking ladder, and he was gone.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter.

The next day, he came back.

He should’ve stabbed him the second time—no, he should’ve stabbed him the first time, and he didn’t, so he definitely should’ve stabbed him the second time, and he didn’t, he didn’t even ask that question again, he just—just let some member of the enemy team climb up into his nest and borrow his blanket and sit.

And sometimes look at him. Sometimes just look around the little shack idly. Sometimes just stare off into space. It was usually early morning, and he only seemed half-awake, tired in those long, silent minutes, which only baffled Sniper even more because he seemed so alert and high-energy not long later when the fighting started. And he never really did anything, just sat there wrapped in the blanket.

And Sniper found himself putting his knife down sooner. Glancing away from the Scout for longer periods of time, at first scared to blink, then able to look away, then turn his head, then take sips of his coffee, drags of his cigarette. Eventually to looking out the window, sometimes at the falling snow, sometimes as he heard the distant voices of his team carried on frigid winds.

It was hard to say how long it happened for. Some days, in no pattern Sniper could keep track of, the Scout just didn’t show up at all. Probably a few weeks. Maybe a month. And the rhythm was always the same, both of them just sitting there silently for the stretch of time before the matches were supposed to start for the day, and them pretending not to see each other during humiliation rounds. Going very still every time the two of them locked eyes.

It was bizarre, but Sniper assured himself that it didn’t matter. Then a shift in the trend, something Sniper hadn’t entirely been expecting.

He was looking out the window, watching the brightening of the nearest roof as the morning faded into view, mid-sip, when he heard it.

“What?”

He blinked, looked over at the Scout, half-sure he hadn’t even actually heard anything. The Scout wasn’t looking at him, was staring off to his left, a set to his jaw. Silence.

“He’s what?” the Scout asked.

Sniper’s brow furrowed, and he stared for a few moments, unsure of what to say to that. Then the Scout glanced over at him, and he caught a glimpse of his fingers pressing the talk button on his mic, and then he could just barely pick up the sound of a very quiet, very muffled voice, and oh.

“How the hell should I know?” the Scout half-snapped into his mic, and his accent wasn’t quite as thick when he was just speaking calmly, was in a slightly different register than Sniper had expected. “Am I his fuckin’ babysitter now?”

Sniper raised his eyebrows. The Scout glanced at him and promptly back away again.

“No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday. We’ve got ages until the match starts anyways, he’ll show up or he won’t,” the Scout said flippantly. A brief pause. “Yeah, whatever.”

He flicked his mic up, bundled his hand back into his mass of blankets, relaxed again. Glanced over at Sniper, whose eyebrows were still raised.

“What?” he asked, and this time it was directed at him.

He shrugged, looked back out the window.

Silence between them for a few more days before another shift. The Scout had only just climbed up and settled a few minutes prior when there was the telltale creak of someone else ascending the ladder. Sniper gave a calm cursory glance back before realizing the Scout was already there, his eyes wide, and panic landed through him.

He gestured harshly towards a stack of boxes towards the opposite side of the shack, and the Scout was up in an instant, quickly and quietly sliding back behind the stack, covering what he couldn’t hide of himself in the blanket for good measure. A few tense moments of listening to the creaking before Sniper realized he should really act natural and he picked up his mug again, taking a sip and trying to look casual.

“Hello?” came the vaguely unbalanced chirp of his team’s Demoman, and Sniper gave him a nod, gulping down his coffee.

“Yeah?” he asked, not unkindly.

“You’ve got your radio off again,” Demo chided good-naturedly, leaning his elbows on the lip into the shack. “Been trying to get ahold of you, y’ken.”

“Sorry,” Sniper said neutrally. “What for?”

“Doc needs to speak to you at some point today,” Demo said. “Physicals coming up. Ought to schedule, all that.”

“I’ll talk to him later,” Sniper said, and Demo shrugged. “Pass it along?”

“Aye,” Demo said, waving him off, already starting to climb back down the ladder.

“Cheers, mate.”

Silence, for a long few moments, broken only by the sound of creaking wood, then that noise stopped and it was truly silent. A pause, then the rustle of fabric, and the Scout peeked out from behind the crates. “Good?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Sniper agreed, and the Scout breathed a sigh of relief, climbing out of his hiding spot.

“Close one,” the Scout said, sitting back down and wrapping back up again where he’d been sitting before, and Sniper realized belatedly that somehow, over the course of his visits, he’d been moving in little increments and he was now sitting much closer than before, maybe a few feet away.

And Sniper just couldn’t help but stare at him as he settled back in, eyebrows furrowed, because he realized that just then, he’d felt perfectly safe until he heard his own team’s Demoman climbing the ladder.

And the Scout finished settling in, and glanced at him, and then they were both just... looking at each other.

“Maybe we should get, like, a better system or something. So that doesn’t keep happening,” the Scout suggested suddenly.

Sniper frowned. Fought to find words. “...Why?”

“Whaddaya mean, ‘why’?” the Scout asked, looking perplexed.

“Why... would we? Why—why are we doing this? Why do you keep coming up here?” Sniper asked, outright, because god, he could just ask. He could always have just asked, and why didn’t he?

The Scout seemed to be considering it—or maybe just considering him. “I dunno,” he finally said, “why do you keep lettin’ me?”

Silence.

“And why didn’t you kill me that time?” the Scout asked, and Sniper thought about asking for clarification, but it didn’t matter, really. “And why do you let me borrow this blanket? And why didn’t you ask me any of that earlier?”

Silence. It didn’t matter.

The Scout raised an eyebrow after a second, and when that didn’t get Sniper to talk, he continued. “Do you think maybe there’s a reason for that?” he prompted outright.

“Maybe,” Sniper murmured, and what was he saying? And who cared what he was saying, it didn’t matter.

“Maybe?” Scout asked, and there was a hint of... of something in his expression, something that furrowed his eyebrows. “Maybe you, what, saw somethin’?”

It was true. He did. He nodded. Opened his mouth to speak, paused as words escaped him. “I did,” was all Sniper could manage.

“What?” Scout asked, and the furrow deepened.

And he only realized it as he said it, even if he stumbled, even if it came out clumsy. “You saw me. And I know you saw me, and so do you. But you didn’t... say anything. Didn’t sell me out. And maybe because you didn’t just see me, you were looking at me.”

“And it’s weird,” the Scout nodded, and the furrow was easing. “Because it’s just been ages since someone’s done that.”

He almost asked for clarification on which one of them he was talking about, but he didn’t need to. It didn’t matter.

He watched the Scout’s adam’s apple bob with a gulp. Silence for a long few seconds.

“Do,” Sniper asked slowly, “you want to... there’s this bar in town. Not the near one, the further one. With the post office.”

The Scout nodded. “Yeah, I do,” he agreed quietly. “Why the hell else would I keep comin’ up here?”

“Why else would I let you?” Sniper asked quietly, and that made the Scout smile, and even long later he just couldn’t convince himself that it didn’t matter.

[taylizmasterpost]

Liz After the Agency (September 2012 - September 2014)

So, Liz is spiraling. Her mental health isn’t doing great. And she was just asked to leave The Agency (presumably to take care of herself, although the public reason given was for her to start a solo career). Things are bad.

However, in the darkness, there’s always a light. And the light for Liz, in this case is her neighbor, Bryan Brown.

24 September 2012 - Liz and Bryan tweet at each other for the first time:

17  October 2012 - Taylor writes This Love:

Now, this COULD be about Liz, considering the back and forth. However, I’m more inclined to believe Taylor wrote this about Swiftgron’s first break up, right after they got back together, which you can read more about here. 

The same day, Liz makes a vague tweet about jealousy:

It’s crazy weird to me that the same day Taylor is celebrating getting back together with Dianna and writing This Love, Liz is pissed off and jealous about something. Coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t think so.

22 October 2012 - Red is released. According to a later interview with the photographer who did the Red booklet (who happens to be Liz’s current roommate), Taylor based the concept of the photoshoot on some headshots they’d taken for Liz: 

“Taylor is a mutual friend of ours. Stephen and his brother were friends with her years before, and I became friends with her separately. What ended up happening was one of her background singers needed headshots. When Taylor saw them a few months later, she came to me and was like, “Liz showed me the shots you took of her, and I need my album to look exactly like that.” Clearly, this was a no-brainer. I said, “OK!” Before then, I’d been kind of burned out on music photography. A lot of the shoots were super controlling. I needed a new perspective on the field itself and wanted future shoots to be very free-flowing — just the artist and a minimum crew. Luckily for Stephen and me, that’s exactly how Taylor presented the Red album shoot. So it was just the three of us shooting everything together. She wanted everybody else to remain off set, allowing for a more personal and intimate experience.”

So, I don’t know why Taylor did this. Maybe she wanted to look like a hipster for the Red album and Liz was the best she knew. Or, maybe, she wanted to scream to those who knew her well that this album was about LIZ HUETT. 

In this series of Liz headshots, there’s also one specific photo of Liz wearing the Stevie Nicks moon necklace that Taylor possibly gave to her:

Is this possibly one of the reasons why Taylor wanted to mimic them for the Red album? 

Later that day, Taylor goes on Good Morning America and says she wrote a new song “like two days ago” (probably talking about This Love?)

And after that, Taylor tells the LA Times that Begin Again and State of Grace are about the same person:

“There were a few track list choices I knew I was going to make way in advance,” she said. “I knew I wanted to bookend the album with ‘State of Grace’ and ‘Begin Again’ because they’re inspired by the same person who inspired a few songs on the record. I wanted to start and end the album with the first and last song I ever wrote about that relationship.”

“Then in between those songs, I wanted to paint a picture of the ups and downs I’ve experienced in life and love, not necessarily in the order it happened chronologically,” Swift continued. “I like to spread the emotions out in a way that never makes you feel like there’s a sad lull, then a burst of four songs in a row about joy. At the end of the day, I make a track list based on what my gut feeling tells me.” ‘Begin Again’ is my song version of a cliffhanger ending. Throughout the whole album, there have been songs about the trials and tribulations of love and loss, and there at the end of the record it starts all over. As soon as I wrote that song, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it.”

Now, I don’t think this means Begin Again is about Liz. I think it means that Liz is the past relationship in the song, and Dianna is the present. And Liz actually has a song called “Good About Her” that kind of mirrors Begin Again and I find that HILARIOUS and also kind of a smoking gun.

26 October 2012 -Taylor goes on Katie Couric. Katie asks if Taylor’s ex in WANEGBT got the message and Taylor says she “hasn’t heard from him since” and also mentions “some of my exes like to write really long emails.” Now, if the song is about Liz, this is a lie, because she definitely did get lunch with Liz after WANEGBT came out. However, I think it’s fair that what she’s hinting here is that things did not end well in that messy relationship.

25 October 2012 - Liz quote tweets Caitlin about crying on the treadmill to All Too Well :

8 November 2012 - Liz releases Never Know on YouTube:

The lyrics that make me think this is about Taylor are the “now and then I catch myself singing your old song.” ESPECIALLY in the context of that treadmill tweet and Liz probably having written this during her Nashville sessions over the summer. However, it could also be about Jason, who, as we know, was a struggling musician before he became a photographer.

18 November 2012 - Taylor shoots the MV for IKYWT, wears the same black and white shirt she wore around when Liz first joined the band. Liz calls the news of her leaving the Agency “bittersweet.”

And “bittersweet” is the exact same phrasing that around a week later Taylor would say the ex who most of Red is about used to describe listening to the album:

19 November 2012 - Ali Puliti tweets about listening to two Liz demos -- Blessed Are the Brokenhearted and Dammit, meaning this song, which wouldn’t be released until 2018, was likely written during those summer 2012 songwriting sessions:

When the song was eventually released by Jana Kramer in 2018, Liz posted this on Facebook:

The song also notably contains the lyric “cause I could hear you in the kitchen, playing your guitar” which REALLY REALLY makes me think of Taylor. Although it could maybe be for Jason, who was also a musician.

Here’s the story Liz told about the song:

“‘Dammit’, actually, was a story that I lived out. Like, I was with somebody I was, you know, getting very serious. We were talking about starting a life together and we even had this house, like, picked out in the city where we lived and we would drive by it and be like ‘one day when we buy that house’. And, so, when we broke up, the pain of, like, saying goodbye was really, you know, really intense, but it was also mourning the loss of the hypothetical future. So, it was like saying goodbye to the past memories and stuff, sort of what we almost had and that’s where that song came from. So, honestly, I didn’t write it for anyone else, but myself, truly. But, um, it’s beautiful that music has such a way of resonating with someone who might not even know and they connect with it so much that another artist would want to sing it. It’s such a high compliment.”  

And here’s a quick clip of Liz singing it. So, seems like a Jason song, if not for the fact that she wrote it almost a year after they broke up and kept it hidden for years before eventually giving it to another artist.

13 December 2012 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz does not wish her happy birthday. This, to me, is the biggest evidence that there’s some amount of bad blood between them at this point.

14 December 2012 - The Music Video for IKYWT comes out. Taylor wears a shirt she wore a LOT when TayLiz was first a thing in 2009. She also wears a key necklace, which will be important later.

17 December 2012 - Liz posts a picture from Claire’s birthday party using a picture without Taylor in it (even though it seems fair to assume Taylor would’ve been invited).

20 December 2012 - Liz tells a fan her favorite song from Red is All Too Well:

21 December 2012 - Liz wishes Claire happy birthday. Further signaling bad blood with her and Taylor since she didn’t bother to do it for Taylor.

9 January 2013 - Liz releases Blessed Are the Brokenhearted:

Here she describes love as “burning up out of control” which is the same phrase Taylor used on Red -- “burning red” -- and Begin Again -- “I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.” Also, the idea of love as an out of control flame really does describe their relationship.

20 January 2013 - Liz releases One Hand on the Wheel:

Here, much like in Red, Liz describes a relationship using the metaphor of a car. The relationship is messy, maybe even toxic. There’s even a lyric that sounds like it could be out of treacherous: “Being wrong shouldn’t feel so right like it does / But it does.”

22 January 2013 - Liz releases Wreck of Who I Am.

This is the song that is the strongest evidence for me that Liz WAS going through some mental health stuff over the summer when she was doing all this songwriting, and that that Reddit post about running into a drunk Liz who said she was fired for being “out of control” seems somewhat accurate. Here Liz sings about her battles, the way she’s losing them, and asks her younger self what she would think if she saw her now.

I’m not going to go into too much detail on Liz and Bryan (since unlike her and Jason there’s no need to use them to say much about TayLiz) but, despite his flaws, he was the person to pick Liz up off the ground when she was feeling this way, so he should get some credit for that.

Sometime around this - Liz releases Stones. Similar upbeat nature to Blessed Are the Brokenhearted with mentions to some of the struggles of Wreck of Who I Am.

Choice Lyrics:

When you’re knocked off your throne And lying on your back Things will never be so clear Cause when you see it all like that Sooner or later it comes around Yeah we all taste that bitter truth But all the stones you’re throwing now Will be the ones they throw at you

Also with these batch of songs, we get Sun Out of the Rain:

So baby, hold on, the storm will roll away It may be pouring down, but it’s only for today A million pieces might be falling into place And when there are no words to say We’ll make the sun out of the rain

29 January 2013 - Chantelle Paige posts a picture of Liz and Taylor and talks about a “sad night turned awesome.” Once again, I think this is a throwback from that night in 2012.

2 April 2013 - Liz goes to therapy. Her and Bryan are dating at this point.

2 September 2013 - Liz tells a fan on twitter that she hasn’t been to any of the Red shows, which to me definitely backs up that fan account of Liz being bitter about being fired.

23 December 2013 - Liz wishes Taylor Happy Birthday. This seems like a peace offering to me, considering they haven’t spoken in like a year and she refused to do this the earlier year. Also worth noting that Swiftgron is on its last legs at this point.

1 March 2014 - Sara Evans releases Put My Heart Down, which was co-written by Liz and is about walking away from a toxic relationship:

Now, from what I know of Liz and Jason, this doesn’t seem like their dynamic at all. It’s too soon for it to be about her and Bryan However, it does remind me a LOT of what Taylor was writing about on Red. Her are some choice lyrics:

I never pictured us fighting this much Thought we were figured out, but it’s so messy now Your words cut so deep and I think you should leave

Put my heart down and walk away This kind of love is dangerous So pack up all your things, just leave some air to breathe A million toxic tears fallin’ like rain over here This is the final hour The end of our story tonight And I don’t wanna fight

Now, please go listen to Treacherous, Battle/Let’s Go and Story of Us and tell me this is not the same relationship.

Bonus though, this song is copyrighted for 2014, making it make even LESS SENSE for it to be written about Bryan. 

17 July 2014 -  Timothy James Brown releases a song called Change My Mind that was co-written by Liz. I’m out of video links, so here are some choice lyrics:

All the horses became soldiers Dark as night to drag me away A complicated kind of heartbreak When you promise somebody you’ll stay

I know you’ve been hurting I know more than most I don’t have the courage Where you’re going, I can’t follow

To me, this reads as Liz making peace with leaving the Agency. She recognizes her demons, and how they ruined her relationship with Taylor, and says “where you’re going, I can’t follow” because she’s not in a good enough place to keep touring with Taylor.

So things are looking bleak in TayLiz land. However, Liz seems to be recovering! She’s writing songs acknowledging some problems in the relationship and her own battles, and she’s also in therapy and dating Bryan. It’s time for some reconciliation. But first, let’s see what’s up in Taylor-land:

Liz References on the Red Tour

[rpgmgames]

August’s Featured Game: Marinette

DEVELOPER(S): Teal Crown ENGINE: RPG Maker MV GENRE: Horror, Puzzle, Adventure WARNINGS: Sensitive Themes, Blood/Light Gore SUMMARY: A little girl named Marinette, in the wake of a splitting family and a change of homes, is having a birthday. But this, her eleventh birthday, will present a deadly opportunity to fulfill a special promise. On the night before her birthday, she is drawn into a strange realm; an unnatural dollhouse, populated with dolls who are not quite what they seem. A web of strings lying in wait, and threatening to ensnare the poor marionette; warping her perception, and twisting her every move. Will the strings attach, and force her to become an unwilling puppet, or will she escape this surreal web of strings? What will she have to do to avoid the dangers of the dollhouse, and set herself free?

Our Interview With The Dev Team Below The Cut!

Introduce yourself! *Mitty: "Hello, I'm Mitty! Thank you so much for the opportunity to participate in this interview. I'm the main developer of the game and I'm working with a team of friends to make this game a reality. I work mainly on the visuals and programming, and I'll be representing the team, alongside Third! I've been on the community for around two years, even though I tend to not be active very often." *Third: "Hoi, I’m Third! I appreciate you reaching out to interview us. I’m the main composer and writer of Marinette, and I work under Mitty to make the story and soundtrack what we want it to be. I’ve been in the community for little less than Mitt but am even less active in most of my developer discords."

What is your project about? What inspired you to create this game initially? *Mitty: "The game is essentially about a girl that gets trapped inside a dollhouse. A simple concept really can go far ahaha I've always loved themes related to creepy dolls so I wanted to create something related to that. What pushed me initially to start were obviously the inspiration of seeing other devs creating, seeing how far you could go with these engines and create amazing interactive stories, however the huge support from a friend was what made me actually start past the planning and dreaming!" *Third: "Marinette is a story about a little girl becoming entangled in the complicated family and supernatural landscape she finds herself in on her birthday. I enjoy writing short stories about this kind of thing so it’s fantastic to work on a larger project about one of my favorite subjects. My primary inspiration and introduction to this kind of game in general was Pocket Mirror, and I use it the most as a model for how to do certain things. However, I also draw a lot of inspiration from masterpieces like Aria’s Story, Ib, Witch’s House, and Alice Mare."

How long have you been working on your project? *Mitty: "The project has been in the works for around two years now! The first year was mostly planning and right now we are on the right track with the programming and asset creation for the demo, as well as music and sound design for later development. Planning isn't over yet though, especially for the final game." *Third: "I’ve been working on this for almost two years. The soundtrack possessed most of my earlier attention, but now it’s taken a backseat to writing, now that I’m actively writing the scripts for the game now. "

Did any other games or media influence aspects of your project? *Mitty: "Yes! The game has inspirations from plenty of sources, not only strictly RPG Maker Horror games, or games in general for that matter. If I were to mention those, of course games like Ib, The witch's house, Alice Mare, Pocket Mirror, Yume Nikki & .flow, Stray Cat Crossing, Mogeko's games...etc quickly come to mind. When it comes to the aesthetics and visuals, the inspirations come from several different places, including games like Alice Madness Returns, Dofus, Yomawari, The Legend of Mana, Little Nightmares...the list goes on; or other media, like Inu Curry's animation style or video creator nana825763, as well as some anime and music videos. Silent hill is also a huge inspiration for the atmosphere, and hopefully we can pull it off well!" *Third: "My primary inspiration, as I’ve said earlier, is Pocket Mirror, both for its masterful writing and soundtrack. The game’s soundtrack is the main reason I still play piano. Whenever I’m feeling musical, my fingers always hunt out the same kind of haunting, mysterious, and sometimes peaceful and playful melodies that Pocket Mirror is rife with. In the end, our soundtrack is probably going to sound like Pocket Mirror and Aria’s Story’s soundtracks were meshed together. Story wise, commonplace elements in this genre like demons, monsters, mean parents and puzzles that tell the story are commonplace for a reason, and certainly find their way into this one, in their own special way. Every other game I’ve mentioned involves them in some form or another. And young, curious protagonists are also a blast to write and do evil things to and put in difficult, dangerous situations. "

Have you come across any challenges during development? How have you overcome or worked around them? *Mitty: "We surely have! Many of them in different areas ahaha Taking away bug hunting, I am primarily an artist, so programming for me is a secondary thing. Because of this it's easy to get carried away and hard to realise what can and can't be done. I don't want the game to be visually boring if I can make things move and seem alive! The way I'm handling it is programming like an artist: I think in my head what cool things I can do with my art by not having it completely still, and then it's a matter of executing it on the engine. However this comes with a downside. I tend to tweak things a lot, and that takes quite some time, but I honestly think it's worth it ahaha Also I find it hard to start writing, but when I do, I can't stop orz. Other challenges are also finding plot holes. This is fixed with a lot of studying the story, gathering inspiration and talking with the team. I also struggle a bit with communicating with the team, but thankfully they are all very nice and understanding." *Third: "Main challenge is overcoming the sheer weight of how much I have to learn about music and writing in order for this game to be what I want it to be. I’m a perfectionist, and when I care about something, I can’t tolerate it being worse than it could’ve been. Also, writing is getting more and more complicated and there’s more things and details to keep track of so as not to create inconsistencies or plot holes, especially as we try to revise it and make major changes to the story (Mitt will know what I’m talking about). "

Have any aspects of your project changed over time? How does your current project differ from your initial concept? *Mitty: "It changed a lot, not only in terms of the story and writing, but visually too. The basic concept is close to being the same, though. You can check out old posts in the blog where I consider different styles of mapping and such. Actually, don't, please. It's too old...and my writing...oh god." *Third: "The writing has come a long way, but now that we’ve fleshed out and written down much of the backstory, it’s a much more complicated story than what Mitt first showed me when I joined."

What was your team like at the beginning? How did people join the team? If you don’t have a team, do you wish you had one or do you prefer working alone? *Mitty: "Initially it was just me, occasionally having Mia to talk about the story and help develop it. Rindre joined as a voice actress very early on and also helped in other aspects of the game. Then I also talked about it with two friends I know in real life, one helped with organization and the other with some concept art, but they aren't that active anymore, even though I still count them as part of the team (Thank you guys btw if you're reading this). Eventually I met Third, an amazing composer and writer, and I asked him to join in! He brought along a friend who is also an amazing composer and writer, Code, and these two are complete madmen of music and writing and I'm super glad to be working with them, as they are super passionate and it makes me really happy ahaha. Bruno is also a really dedicated composer that is helping with a few tracks as well! Miku and Luccinia are two super talented and kind artists that have also been helping a ton with concept art, and their ideas have certainly improved the game as well. We are welcome to more concept artists, though! More heads, more ideas ahaha Recently we got the voice actresses for a few characters in the game, when we did the auditions, and hopefully soon another friend will jump aboard and help with organization and writing! We are a relatively small team, and sometimes progress goes a bit slowly since we can get busy, but we are all doing our best! I’m glad that I’m not alone. Links for their pages and such can be found on the team section on the blog, go support them if you can!"

What is the best part of developing a game? *Mitty: "For me, personally, I love seeing what my team mates come up with, whether it is music or concept art. I also enjoy the love and support we get, and it makes me excited in the development. As for the creation part, I like programming challenging cutscenes and doing cool things with the assets. Progress updates can also be fun to make when I have the time." *Third: "My favorite part is showing Mitt what I’ve written and composed. Making her happy and excited with my work is extremely fulfilling. "

Do you find yourself playing other RPG Maker games to see what you can do with the engine, or do you prefer to do your own thing? *Mitty: "Oh, yes! Besides being a cool break from programming hell, it helps me make it less of a hell ahaha I like improvising, though, so I think I play RPG Maker games because I enjoy them for the most part." *Third: "Occasionally, not really. I don’t play many games and I’ve played the heck out of the ones I have."

Which character in your game do you relate to the most and why? (Alternatively: Who is your favorite character and why?) *Mitty: "Ah I don't know, honestly. I think I can relate to every character in one way or another, and it's hard picking one, especially since the game isn't out yet and I'd like to keep most characters hidden until the demo. Marinette is definitely one of my favourites, though, I just love how innocent and cute she is. Her cheekiness can be made super interesting ahaha" *Third: "My favorite character is definitely Pierre. He’s a complete blast to write, and gives me lots of cool things to describe and say through him, from his magic tricks to his killer lines and quotes."

Looking back now, is there anything that regret/wish you had done differently? *Mitty: "Hm...Having organized things better in the beginning would have saved a lot of time now, but I don't think it's been that big of a deal anymore. I don't have any regrets that I'm aware of at the moment since everything until this point was necessary to learn and get to where we are now."

Do you plan to explore the game’s universe and characters further in subsequent projects, or leave it as-is? *Mitty: "I'm not sure yet, it depends on the reception and how willing I'll be to continue the story. Even though I would find it fun to make comics, another game or a different midia, realistically I can't tell how willing I'll be to continue developing content about it after the game is finished. Honestly, I hope I can develop more projects on Marinette, we do have content for that, and I absolutely love it with my heart! But it's also equally important to move on to another story. Only time will tell!" Third: "I hope to, but that day is very far away for me. I’ll be gone for quite some time after Marinette is finished, and I hope I’m not forgotten by the time I return. Perhaps I’ll entertain myself with additional short stories exploring the various aftermaths of the game."

What do you most look forward to upon/after the release of a project? *Mitty: "I honestly just want to get the story out there. I'm hoping people will enjoy it if they play the game, and will have a special place in their hearts to keep it on. This project means a lot to me, and having it making people feel things is what I'm looking forward to. I'd love to see other people playing it, definitely. I imagine I'll eventually be relieved to have finally completed it, it'll be a big moment for me to sigh be proud of creating. I'll be able to move on to work on other fun things while I see how this little child of a game is going to do out there in the wild, and that's always nice!" *Third: "Fan reaction, 100%. Having people ask me questions about my work and telling me how much they enjoyed it is my favorite part of writing."

Is there something you’re afraid of concerning the development or the release of your game? *Mitty: "Yes, I don't want to feel empty with nothing to do when I finish the game. I know it will be great and all, but I've been working on it for so long that it's hard to imagine not working on it ahaha! It's a really fun hobby, but it's also engraved in my heart. I want it to be the best it can be, of course, so I'm scared of bugs, inconsistencies and overall it being clearly a bad game. I'm hoping that people will help with critiques on the demo, so I have a better outside perspective of where we are going. I don't want to drop the game, so I'm scared of having to take a long break from it during the development. I'm worried of being a terrible team leader as well." *Third: "I dread plot holes more than anything, and I dread a dull and overall unimpactful story. I want a tale that will punch the viewer in the gut, hard. I want to make them cry. I want to make them laugh. I want them to draw what I wrote, and explore it further in hopefully-not-too-sexual fanfiction."

Do you have any advice for upcoming devs? *Mitty: "Don't be scared to start. You're going to suffer mid-way if it's a long term project, but keep pushing through, you'll learn a lot and it becomes easier with time. Take breaks and take it easy, step by step. LIST STUFF AND MAKE BACKUPS. Learn with short projects first. Ask for advice from people you admire, but never hold them on a pedestal. It’s always helpful to be a jack of all trades! Try to think from an outsider perspective if you're not sure of how it's going, and if you can, tell people you trust about the game and ask for opinions. Always take criticism well, but don't stress too much over harsher or even meaner comments. Have fun and never forget your starts, the people you meet and the reason you're doing the project for. If you're also an artist, writer, musician, remember this is a great opportunity to add something interesting to your portfolio. Cool visuals attract people, but they are not everything that will keep them hooked." *Third: "The best part of making a game is the people you make it with. The story is the most important ingredient of your game. Prioritize it first, and everything else will fall into place around it. Otherwise, everything will serve some other aspect of your game, and that’s rarely a good thing. Always speak your mind; do not every not say something just because it’ll hurt someone’s feelings. Obviously don’t be a tool, but if you ever have to choose between hurting the game and someone’s pride, pick someone’s pride. It’s much kinder in the long run."

Question from last month's featured dev Froach Club: Have you ever had a moment where you got completely stuck or became intensely frustrated while using RPG Maker? *Mitty: "Yes I have, I think everyone has QwQ Despite silly mistakes, I've gotten stuck several times, but honestly it's usually either us doing something stupidly hard that can be done another way, or we are just not skilled enough yet, and it's better to come back later. You can usually do most things you wanna do if you have the advantage of knowing the programming language your RPG Maker Engine uses I think. Google is your friend always, and sleeping about it also helps. I once dreamt of a whole sequence to fix a problem, and it worked! ahaha Always take it easy and don't give up, but know your limits and the limits of the engine!"

We mods would like to thank Teal Crown for agreeing to our interview! We believe that featuring the developer and their creative process is just as important as featuring the final product. Hopefully this Q&A segment has been an entertaining and insightful experience for everyone involved!

Remember to check out Marinette if you haven’t already! See you next month! 

- Mods Gold & Platinum

[lucindarobinsonvevo]

Good News This Week for Fans Of Eerie, Indiana Who Just This Week Put Out Their Long Time Unreleased Album ‘Broken Record’  

“We had no idea we were making a controversial record when we made it.” Band member Simon Holmes said this week, in an interview about the release of Broken Record, “I was just writing about my experiences. I guess my life was controversial.”  “I always felt like Simon never got enough recognition.” Admits the band’s front man Marshall Teller, “So when we made Broken Record I told promotion that it had to be equal this time, not like the mess that was promotion for JSNTF. When they decided not to put the album out, it felt like the label was just twisting the knife.” (note: JSNTF is Just Say Not To Fun was the band’s previous release) “Of course, then we had to throw something together from cut tracks and other bits we had lying around. I was never happy with the quality of America’s Scariest Home Videos. 

Broken Record was mostly forgotten for two decades before the band’s third member and later addition to the band, Dash X, was asked about it on an Instagram Q&A (of all things) when responding to a question from a long time fan he revealed that the band’s entire back catalouge had been destroyed by the label in an ‘accident’ and chances of release were ‘minimal’ unless ‘the bastards who keep leaking our tracks want to give us a copy’. Indeed, hard core Eerie, Indiana fans will know that various tracks from Broken Record have been making their way through fan groups for the last two decades since the initial recording. How they got there is difficult to say, though some sources claim that ‘Weird Kids’, ‘Tension’ and ‘Bigfoot is Real’ were all set to be singles and sent out to radio stations, and others claim to have taken them straight from work tapes of the record. One enterprising fan claims to have traded rare Taylor Swift tracks to someone who gave them a copy of ‘Ousted’, which they then shared on Periscope. 

Of course, how this release came about is as strange a story as one might expect from a band who released a concept album about being hypnotized into hating fun. Long time collaborate of the band, Janet Donner was apparently looking for pictures of her girlfriend and band mate Melanie Monroe (Both were considered part of the Indiana Six) in her storage locker with Teller when they came across a box marked ‘Marshall’s Junk’ inside was a variety of old ‘memorabilia’ from the era where all six projects were active at once. Among the junk was an old work tape of the first time the group recorded the album’s centerpiece ‘MMNH’, sheet music for several other tracks, and a large binder promotional material, lyrics and old photographs. Seeing that they now had the last remaining copy of any track off the album the band decided to get together and re-record it as a special gift to their fans. ‘Janet is a bit of a character. She hates to throw away anything to do with work, but she’s utterly ruthless when it comes to her personal life. She’s got three storage containers full of junk, and a house where she won’t even hang up artwork.  We used to tease her, but I guess it paid off in the end.” Teller said of the find

But what of the album itself? Well, the overall sound is like no other Eerie, Indiana album that’s for sure. Despite all their changes and use of multiple genres, one thing always held every E,I record together and that was Teller’s skillful guitar playing. Complicated riffs, long solos and difficult to reproduce life performances were a staple of the group, but almost utterly absent on this record, but not gone entirely from the tracks meant to be released as singles where the pop flavouring the band usually has remains undiluted. 

The most stand out track on the record is MMNH, which is sung by both Teller and Janet Donner, who take on the role of a dysfunctional couple arguing over the top of a beautiful piano track. The liner notes say that this fight is based on the arguments of Holmes’s parents and the personal digs that they take at one another are extremely niche and telling of that. While there are certainly no lack of tracks were Teller takes an emotional, confrontational stance with his singing, here it sounds much more refined and serious than he did at the time this album was originally recorded. Donner takes her voice an octave higher than her usual singing, and comes across as loud, and shrewd, at one point breaking down into tears while still singing. Conversely, Teller only gets louder, and angrier as the song progresses to a peak around the seven minute mark where his voice cracks, he stops and Donner sobbing is the only sound on the tape for minute afterwards. It’s an uncomfortable listen, to say the least, but the performances are perhaps some of the best in the career of both singers. The worktape version of the song is five minutes longer and very clearly an extremely early pass. Throughout the recording, someone, probably Donner, is wearing very loud, jangling jewelry. There are several long pauses on the track of Holmes at his piano, contributing a rare vocal performance of background vocals, which were cut from the final track. At the end, you can hear Holmes say cut, and Teller comforting Donner, who insists she’s fine just emotional. The track is experimental and clearly emotionally taxing, just like the rest of the album. While I wouldn’t have put it so close to the other most emotional track on the album, Broken Record, it’s certainly a one of a kind experience. 

Broken Record, the tile track, is also an extremely emotional track, but personally I think would have qualified the album and the track for grammys. The track is written and played solely by Holmes, the only track of it’s kind in the entire Eerie, Indiana cataloge that was released, though there are rumors that there were more Holmes led tracks that he personally refused to release due to dissatisfaction with his singing voice. The track is a ballad, performed with a guitar, and is essentially a letter to Holmes’s brother, Harley. He sings through the run time, apologizing for not being able to not protect him enough. In the gentle climax of the song, he professes to feeling like a broken record, apologizing and apologizing and feeling like he’ll never say it enough. This track too is a deeply emotional listen, and extremely sad. At the time the song was written, Harley Holmes was in a military academy after getting into to much trouble in the small home town of the bands two founding members. Truly, Holmes has a nice singing voice, but it’s imperfections make the track all the more compelling in my opinion. Thankfully, one quick look at his Instagram account shows that his relationship with his brother seems to be a happy one. The leaked version of the track is not notedly different to the released version, other than it’s remarkably low quality (probably from years of being traded as an MP3 through various fan emails), and sounds far sadder than the version released now that Holmes’s relationship with his brother is doing better. 

Of course, the track-list is not devoid of the usual Teller-isms one finds on an Eerie, Indiana album. The supposed first single ‘Bigfoot is Real’ is a spot of real sunshine on a very bleak track-list with your usual flavour of complicated riffs. The song is devoted to celebrating the friendship between the two leads, who met as children and in their own words were ‘kind of obsessed with proving that their hometown as weird’. It’s a fun, fast paced moment of happiness on the album. 

Ousted, the final leaked track is a song with steel drums leading the charge. Though Teller is once again the singer, he’s clearly just the mouthpiece for Holmes, who sings about being ousted from his home life with his parents and moving in with Teller’s family. While it seems like it might be another sad song, it’s actually a loving song about finding family and non-typical family structures. The opening samples a recording of the actual court appearance where the Teller family was awarded full custody of Holmes by a judge. The liner notes suggest that this was recorded by Teller illicitly because he wanted to remember the day ‘Simon became my brother for real.’ Like the band’s final effort, Reality Takes a Holiday, Broken Record is a one two punch sort of record where the theme you think you’re going to get isn’t quite what you get. Yes, Broken Record is about the disrupted home life of Holmes, there’s a lot of love in the happier tracks. Weird Kids, Inbetween Tweens and Bigfoot is Real are all about being loved and accepted by your friends, and the deeply rooted friendship between Holmes and Teller. It ultimately becomes a record about finding a home and a family who love and accept you for you. 

Dash X is largely absent on the album, though he is the guitar player on the intermission track, but since he was not a member of the band during the initial recording, and he is busy with his current job as a voice actor there is seemingly not a lot of use for him here. Not to say he doesn’t pop up on some tracks, there was an entire extra verse added to High Strung for him where his raspy, gravelly voice adds a new layer of sound and texture to an otherwise cutting floor worthy track. Another track that feels like a miss is Under Foreign Stars, which is a Teller penned track about feeling alone in a new town that belongs on Foreverware, or an early demo tape far more than it belongs here. 

The liner for the album contains the lyrics, and a lot of previously unseen photos apparently taken by Donner of Eerie, Indiana in the studio recording in all era’s of the band’s existence. Including an extremely rare picture of PDA between X and Teller, who were closeted at the time. When asked about the owner of the broken collarbone features on the back of the album, Holmes revealed that it actually belongs to Melanie Monroe, and that it was technically because of her that the album was re-recorded they wanted to pay homage to her and use an old x-ray of hers instead of the one that was featured originally, apparently a broken arm belonging to Teller after disregarding the instructions of a waterside. 

When asked if this means that Eerie, Indiana was reuniting, Holmes said that they were not, this was currently a one of project to say thank you to their fans. “Eerie, Indiana fans have always been such great supporters of our individual careers, we wanted to give them something new. But there’s always hope about Eerie, Indiana putting out new music. Who knows. Watch this space!” 

[vinylandcoffeecollection]

Notes On a Conditional Form- The 1975

(This is my review of Notes, which, obviously, I adore)

People tend to have a fixed idea of what the 1975 are, love or hate them. To some, they’re a plastic pop band who write (great) 80s-influenced songs like “The Sound”. To others, they’re the millennial Radiohead or U2 (pick your comparison depending on how much warmth you feel towards Matty Healy), obsessed with chronicling and holding forth on the State of the Nation, embodied by perhaps their best and most critically lauded song “Love It If We Made It”. The mixed reviews of their fourth album probably stem from the disappointment of both camps above: for the first group, superstar single “If You’re Too Shy (let me know)” is evidence that the band could continue to be great if only they mined this genre more. The second camp desperately searched for proof that Notes... has Something to Say, didn’t really find it, then concluded that it’s a weak or inferior album. In reality, though, 1975 are neither of the ostensibly polar identities above. As they are fond of saying, they create as they consume, and they consume a vast landscape of music constantly: it’s their life’s passion and one that has been apparent since their earliest EPs. Even though their last two albums appear on the surface to be perfect examples of the plastic pop (ILIWYS) and political polemic (ABIIOR), in reality each blends both and throws in some ambient instrumentals and other left field moments for good measure. No one who has heard Matty Healy and George Daniel talk about their creative influences and processes could ever confuse them with any other conveyor belt pop band or be in any doubt about their commitment to their art.

Following up 2018’s critically lauded A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships was always going to be a tall order but the 1975 can always be relied on to do the unexpected. This is a band who by the point of becoming massive had given up on ever actually becoming massive, so made a first album full of songs that they loved, that they now admit they might never have made if they had had any idea that global stardom was beckoning, because it’s just a bit weird. They apply the same kind of logic to Notes...: on the back of huge critical acclaim from A Brief Inquiry...they went inwards and simply made the kinds of music they loved consuming and playing, heedless of expectations. Notes.... has long been spoken of by the band as a metaphorical notebook, a looking back to their roots, collected and recorded around the world on their global tour last year. Originally due in May, then August 2019, then February, then April 2020, it’s been a beneficiary rather than a victim of unimaginable global circumstances, more relevant and strangely prescient than ever now. It turns out it does have something to say, but in lowercase rather than capital letters, and it’s a better album for it. Any capital-lettered statement, after all, could only have appeared completely outdated and irrelevant in the midst of a global pandemic.

Conditional verbs are “if” verbs, used to imagine events in certain conditions, and this is what Notes... is: a collection of songs posing questions and examining sets of circumstances and relationships that make us who we are, for better or worse. It’s an ending to these four albums of sorts (“I just wanted a happy ending,” Matty pleads in “If You’re Too Shy,”) but also an exploration of the impossibility of tidy, definitive endings. The final track of A Brief Inquiry... , the vital and unexpectedly uplifting “I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)”, began with the line “I bet you thought your life would change but you’re sat on a train again.” That’s where we are on Notes and why its third track, not the final track, is called “The End”, to underline the point. This instrumental re-works the instrumental track “HNSCC” from the band’s 2013 EP Music for Cars, making it more orchestral. It’s a lovely way to develop this theme: that everything that happens to us is conditional to other events in the past, present or future. It also explores the idea that concepts of linear growth as people are artificial. Notes... embraces the lack of any kind of coherent narrative in life that we can tie our experiences together neatly with, the struggle to know and accept yourself, to be that person that you present to the outside world.

Anais Nin wrote: we do not see things as they are; we see them as we are. A Brief Inquiry.... is a great album but it also captured a moment in time both culturally and for the band, particularly Matty Healy personally. Having derided him for years, there seemed to be a huge will amongst the press to make this album succeed because of everything he had been through with addiction and rehab between 2013-2017. That was the narrative- he’d fucked up, now he was clean, gleaming and healthy in tasteful fitted jumpers and suits, with the haircut of a Mature Man, and they’d made a Political and Important album. The band were apparently finally deserving of the acclaim afforded to serious artists. But there were notes of caution: an interview Matty did where he spoke of being wary of being a poster boy for sobriety because he hadn’t been sober for long enough. I remember worrying about him when listening to all of this- what if he couldn’t hold it together? What then for him and the position in culture that he and the band were now occupying? It was almost a relief when he confessed in a 2019 interview to briefly relapsing: it was honest and it was real.

Notes sees Matty embracing the honest and the real like never before, and it’s apt that the album moves through the idea of Endings to “Frail State... “ “Streaming” and “The Birthday Party”, a hauntingly beautiful song about sobriety, questions of shifting identity, growth and relationships (“We can still be mates because it’s only a picture,” is the narrator’s rejoinder to a friend taking the piss out of him for buying an expensive artwork that the friend can’t relate to). It’s a song that narrates a tale, in the tradition of A Change of Heart, Milk or Paris, that is both humorous and devastating, particularly in its last line: “I depend on my friends to stay clean. As sad as it seems.” Maybe you do need to be knowledgeable about the band’s personal circumstances to understand that “The Birthday Party” isn’t just a dull and over-long tale about being bored at a party, as Rolling Stone appears to have taken it, but to paraphrase “Frail State of Mind”, it seems unlikely. In any case, Notes.... is a deeply honest album, one that paints Matty Healy in as unvarnished a form as he has ever appeared, talking candidly and literally about piss, shit and erections. As he has said, it’s an album without ego.

Appropriately for an album looking back, making notes on all those “if...then”s, Notes... is more eclectic than ever before, a distillation, as the band say, of their previous sounds as well as the music that has inspired their own creativity over the past nearly two decades. The reaction of the album’s detractors to this has been to see it as a jumbled mess of Too Much-ness, which is to completely miss the point. Notes... is deliberately and thoughtfully structured, each track including threads and connections to other songs and iconography of the band’s world, an intertextuality that is sometimes darkly humorous, sometimes poignant and very much underlining that theme of honesty. “I never fucked in a car, I was lying,” opens “Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied”, Healy lacerating his ego by referencing Love It If We Made It’s memorable opening line as well as their early song “Sex”, and later “you can’t figure out a heart. You were lying,” undercutting the swagger of 2013’s 80s-maximalist “Heart Out”. More poignantly on “Roadkill”, again recalling the lie of linear growth and maturity, he sings “if you never eat you’ll never grow. Should have learned that quite a while ago,” looking back to one of the band’s most loved and most “apocalyptic adolescent” songs, as they term it, from their debut album, “Robbers”. The intertextuality is there in the music too, from the re-working of instrumental track “HNSCC” in “The End” (a connection missed, unforgivably, by seemingly every critic) to the inclusion of original demo of standout track from A Brief Inquiry... “It’s Not Living (If it’s not with you)” at the start of the surreally titled “Shiny Collarbone”. This is the largely instrumental EDM track sampling Cutty Ranks that for a number of critics seems to represent the fact that the band have lost their way and just started putting out random filler. They haven’t on either count, and the sample is a lovely reminder that even when farming seemingly the furthest reaches of the 1975’s discovered land, the music is always quintessentially theirs.

Perhaps the farming metaphor isn’t the most appropriate though. The band have spoken before about the choice that they have as artists to be “cowboys or farmers”, to keep re-working old ground or move forward and discover new places. To the charge that the songs here are just not as good as their earlier albums, well that depends on your perspective. Even the poor reviews aren’t quibbling with the strength of “If You’re Too Shy...” but truly that’s not the best songwriting on display here. The 1975 can write songs like “Too Shy” while knocking about having a laugh, stoned out of their heads. As they say themselves, it’s not a stretch. They’d rather push themselves, which they do. Regardless of genre, though, any band will stand or fall on whether they can write a catchy tune or not. The 1975 have always been able to write a catchy tune and it says something that over 22 tracks, each one has that catchiness and each one is distinctly itself. “Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy)” begins with a pitched up sample of “Just my Imagination” by the Temptations, it’s a love song in the 1975 tradition: bouncy and irresistible major key melody juxtaposed with an emotional sucker punch: “She said they should take this pain and give it a name.” They cleverly subvert the genre, pairing the beauty of the melody with the brutally honest: “Tonight, I think I fucked it royally.” It’s one of the best songs on display here and another perfect example of how the 1975 can take that most over-done of genres, and make it completely their own.

Because of the evolution of the album, seven songs, not including “The 1975” with Greta Thunberg, were already well known before its release. “People”, the first of these after Greta, is fantastic pop punk, a track that has lost none of its impact in the 9 months since its original release. “Nothing Revealed/Everything Denied”, the self-referential track referred to above, is a catchy treatise on the search for meaning in our lives, fusing a soaring choir-sung chorus with Matty’s witty rapping. A trio of tracks explore what some critics have labelled “emo garage”: a thread that begins with the pulsing and affecting “Frail State of Mind” (“Go outside? Seems unlikely,” and is followed through with the standout “I Think There’s Something You Should Know”, surely a future single that would be perfectly at home on Radio 1, and “What Should I Say?” In the instrumental vein, the George Daniel-created masterpiece “Having No Head” transports the listener to another sonic world. There are several throw-backs to the band’s previous emo-indie incarnation Drive Like I Do with “Then Because She Goes” and “Me and You Together Song”. And then there’s a couple of gorgeous ballads: the profound “Jesus Christ 2005...” and the love letter to the band “Guys”. In a way this closing track is almost a microcosm of the band: love them and this is a beautifully turned love letter to friendship and loyalty in the face of life’s challenges. Hate them and it’s a cringeworthy, naive irritation.

Of course, there is no happy ending or neat bow tied round Notes.... at the conclusion of its 22 tracks. We leave Matty still struggling with himself, life and his conflicted desires but with two tracks- the gentle “Don’t Worry”, a Tim Healy- penned song that is performed as a father/son duet, and “Guys”- we are reminded that it’s our relationships that will help us through, the connections we build. We are all conditional forms in this sense.

The vinyl of Notes... is poignantly inscribed with the words 'If this is to be read in the future, please know that this was us trying'. It would be very easy at this stage in their career for the 1975 to put out albums filled with variations on “Chocolate” or “The Sound”, and it might make some fans and critics happy, but they don’t want to. They are triers. Perhaps it’s this very workaholism, their obsession with pushing boundaries and experimentation, speaking up and refusing to stay in their lane that so riles up those ready to sharpen their critical knives. They are those too clever and too keen kids at the front of the class, annoying the fuck out of those who can’t be bothered or just can’t compete. Having spent last year taking political stands on issues ranging from misogyny in music to abortion laws in the US to the treatment of the LGBTQ& community in the UAE and doing their bit for the environment by commanding fans to be quiet and listen to a Greta Thunberg monologue for five minutes at their live shows, selling recycled merchandise and planting trees for every ticket sold, they are still unable to rest in the midst of a global pandemic, engaging with fans through Twitter listening parties and an interactive website called Mindshower where fans can create their own music and artwork and reflecting on what live music might look like in the future when we can finally get out there again. It all sounds a bit like Radiohead in the 2000s, except Radiohead never made an album as sonically beautiful or coherent as Notes... either immediately post-OK Computer or in the 19 years since. The 1975 are many things but they’ll never allow themselves to become stale or apathetic or lazy and for that at least they should be recognised: they simply care too much. And as for that vinyl inscription, in the future they won’t just be remembered for trying but for achieving what most bands never do even in a lifetime of striving.

[sangennaro]

plgdwndevd|i

I’ve been trying to keep a log of all the "work” I’m doing during the quarantine in my paper diary but I can just type so much faster than I can move the pen, and when I’m trying to verbally process workstuff I feel like it’s helpful for me to spew out so much stuff that’s kind of petty and boring and when I’m holding a pen I tend to start weighing the value of specific details and when I’m at the keyboard they tend to be on the screen before my screening process has to time to kick in, you know what I mean?

So there’s 7 songs rn, with an 8th that I often like a lot but have some unclear misgiving about and so am keeping separate for now, and then 2 other things that have good qualities but trying to turn them into songs I was getting stressed by their deficiencies, so I’ve put them further aside to use for soundtrack music for something else down the line, where an intended song-iness won’t get in the way. 

But the 7, I started them before the quarantine with the intention of having a set I could play live by myself sans laptop, and then quarantine started and I was like “oh now I get time to focus hard and finish the shit out of these” and then the announcements come that there’s no concerts til fall 2021, so that’s funny. But overall I think the playable-live concept was utterly necessary to the way these things developed and yet also the quarantine may also have been utterly necessary for their completion.

That completion requires a few more steps though-- the big one being SINGING. I was intending to screamo on them, possibly recording in either my friend’s theater or my other friend’s basement, and one or both of those might still be possible to swing, buuut I don’t wonder if I shouldn’t “read the room” and see the turn of events as a cosmic nudging in the direction of Some Other Kind of Vocal Approach That Won’t Annoy The Neighbors. Like, I’ve been listening to lots of Lycia and would kinda want to rip off Lycia (which is also would include/complement jacking the tone of those dope songs on the Blut Aus Cosmosophy record?) Regardless, I have lyric ideas but no fully-scripted songs yet. I feel that this is the thing for me to bear down on now, despite my desire to “procrastinate” by attending to every last non-vocal chore that needs to be done between now and the hypothetical sending off to be remotely mixed+mastered. There’s someone I really want to do that but it’s going to cost more than I could afford on my own. But also it’s music with guitars and singing and choruses and so maybe it’s not ridiculous to think a label would want to bet 2k$ production budget on it? 

Anyway besides singing, those other non-vocal chores are: maybe re-recording some of the electric guitar parts for better accuracy, and some of the bass guitar parts for slightly brighter tone? I go back and forth on how much of a difference this will make. There’s definitely some rhythmic irregularity on the guitar parts (due to not having attempted to play one of those instruments idly, let alone record myself playing, for nearly 20 years? I mean I touched acoustics in California 2003 but after moving to Chicago the year after I don’t think I picked up any kind of guitar til now...) but also I somewhat anticipate new recordings having some tiny missing spark I would miss from the blissfully carefree original takes. But maybe not.

In addition, there are several synth parts on the MC909 that are all being mixed down to a single stereo track on my current recordings. Before they’re mixed I should probably re-record the songs with those parts separated into 3 stereo tracks using the 909′s outputs. It would require going through and fucking with the output assignments in the 909 sequences, of course-- and in 3 cases, actually creating the 909 “song” file with new patterns created to mimic the arrangement I did by hand in CoolEdit. (Those 3 songs also have the MC parts recorded via spdif which for some reason has really annoying crackles on it, too, so I kinda need to get those together sooner than later.) And these are chores that require no creativity and usually I’m psyched to do that type of gruntwork when I’m procrastinating something like Recording Vocals, but for some reason the last several days I’ve sat at the studio desk with the intention of going there and just felt weirdly not up to it. A big ass part of me wants to be a miscreant and start on the NEXT cycle-- low-and-slow songs, trying to make an unholy hybrid of dungeon synth and Bohren/FargoS01/TroubleEveryDay-noir and some remnants of weightless grime??with electric bass??-- but a bigger part of me feels getting these demos at least to a point where I could play them for someone else (meaning, vox on) needs to be taken care of first, like a gd adult. (I foresee recording most/some of the vox and then rewarding myself with a little dabbling in the low-and-slow nighttime tunecycle, putting off the 909-separations until some “demos” have gone out and some positive feedback been received, but we’ll see eh.)

And then there’s one other thing... live drums. I have sent demos (for all but “10b/NSata” and “6a/Vener”) to my first choice drummer and he seems interested in trying to add some stuff, but he’s still doing a remote job and quarantined with a wife and small child so I don’t want to count any chickens. I probably shouldn’t even write about this, lest it be jinxed in one manner or another.

Anyway I guess that’s all I need to get out right now. Maybe I’ll sit with “3a/Apolo” and a pad of paper and try to squish out a whole song’s worth of words after I mess with 10b a little. Hopefully I will. Doesn’t seem any better/more realistic way further towards getting these things to a state where it makes sense for be sending them to other humans.

[boypawss]

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[taww]

Quick Take: Audiovector R 3 Arreté & SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté

After moving to a much larger living space last summer, it became apparent that my fondness for large-scale orchestral music combined with the volume of my listening area (a 26’/8m long open space with 12’/3.7m ceilings) were going to be an insurmountable challenge for my current speakers, a rotation of the Silverline SR17 Supreme and Audiovector SR 1 Avantgarde Arreté. They actually both do an admirable job - the Silverline has the body and tone of a much larger speaker, and the little Audiovector is shockingly capable of energizing the space. But physics are physics, and as they say in the car business there’s no replacement for displacement. One simply needs to move more air in a larger room. And thus I’ve been on the hunt for a bigger, full-range speaker that can retain the virtues of my beloved monitors - the speed, the focus, the purity and lack of distractions - which is no easy feat, and generally requires a considerable jump in budget. There are many big speakers under $10k that can play plenty loud but in my experience they give up too much in the process. Which leads me to these two contenders from Audiovector, a brand that I discovered only a couple years ago but immediately latched onto. Could they deliver the big sound I was seeking without compromise? I took advantage of a work trip to California to visit the crew at Audiovision SF and give them a listen.

The Audiovector R Series

I was excited to see Audiovector announce a big update to their “SR” line last fall, with the SR 3 floorstander, SR 1 bookshelf, SR C center channel and SR S subwoofer all transitioned to “R” models. (I admit, I was also a little crestfallen given I had recently purchased an SR myself, but c’est la vie). Similar to in the car industry where technologies from concept and flagship cars trickle their way down to models you and I can afford, the R series incorporates ideas and learnings from Audiovector’s most recent top models - the R 11, R 8 and SR 6. Visually the differences are fairly subtle - they retain the same proportions and “boat” cabinet and sport the same basic driver complements - but look more closely and there are actually too many changes to enumerate here. Some highlights to me:

The Arreté models boast a number of features taken straight from the flagship R 8: their latest-and-greatest AMT tweeter; a carbon-fiber back plate to eliminate interactions with crossover magnetic fields; and “Freedom Grounding,” which purports to reduce distortion by grounding the driver frames directly to earth via a dedicated cable.

The woofer has a new cone material, still utilizing carbon fiber but sandwiched with an artificial wood resin, giving it a distinctly glossier finish.

While the enclosure looks nearly identical, it’s said to be a new construction that’s measurably stronger and more inert.

The “Avantgarde Arreté” top-model designation has been shortened to just “Arreté,” a welcome simplification (the old name was a mouthful, and easy to confuse with the lower Avantgarde model).

The base “Super” model has been dropped, logical given the QR series is covering the more affordable end of the market.

The honey-toned American Cherry finish has been replaced by Italian Walnut that’s much more amenable to current interior design tastes.

So why isn’t there an R 6? I have an email out to Audiovector CEO Mads Klifoth about this, but Antonio @ Audiovision thinks it’s probably a few years away, as the SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté was updated a couple years ago to a 2.0 version that incorporated some of the technologies that made it into the R line, and being a much more complex design it’ll take some time to improve on it with the latest tricks. This gave me a bit of pause considering a purchase now, but as you’ll read later the SR 6 remains plenty compelling in the here and now.

The Setup

My previous demos of Audiovectors at the shop utilized a Chord DAVE DAC feeding either Chord or Naim electronics wired with Nordost. This audition retained the DAVE, but with an interesting new wrinkle - a Gryphon Diablo 300 integrated amp (USD $16,000) wired with Audience FrontRow cables. I was pretty excited to hear the Gryphon as I’d read great things about it, and their mega-buck systems at shows always impressed. (Incidentally, I hear after pairing with Naim for many years, Audiovector now demos with Gryphon a lot in the EU.)

The Diablo integrated impressed, combining unflappable grip and composure with musical body and flow. Plenty of high-end integrateds claim to be as good as separates, but more often than not you're still left with a nagging feeling of compromise, often in terms of the range of dynamic and tonal color, the scale of the presentation and the blackness of backgrounds. The Diablo's performance in these areas was stellar and up there with some of the better separates I've heard. I could hear just a trace of that Gryphon darkness I've heard at shows - not a lack of brilliance or extension, but a very slightly chocolatey midrange and darkened soundstage that’s quite nice if a slight deviation from neutral. And while I hadn’t heard the Audience FrontRow cables before, I’m intimately familiar with their sibling, the Au24 SX line which are my current reference cables. I heard the purity and naturalness I’ve come to expect from top-flight Audience wire, and they seemed to take off a trace of the edge I’d heard prior with the very detailed Nordost cables. I would call this a substantial upgrade (or at least one more suited to my tastes) from the previous front-end, having a deep, organic presentation with lifelike scale that was immersive. From the first notes, I could tell this was going to be a good session.

Listening to the R 3 Arreté (USD $9,999)

I nestled in the GamuT Lobster chair and got a good hour or so listening to my usual assortment of tracks via Tidal/Qoboz streaming - Magdalena Kozena Mozart Arias, Lisa Batiasvilli Prokofiev Concertos, Saint-Saëns Carnival of the Animals for two pianos and ensemble, Mahler Das Lied von der Erde, Francois Leleux Telemann oboe solos and some Ella Fitzgerald and Carly Rae Jepsen thrown in for good measure. I was most interested in that new resin/fiber mid-woofer, said to be more detailed and articulate than the outgoing unit. The carbon fiber unit in my SR 1 Avantgarde Arreté is clean to extreme but just slightly dry, so I was hoping for a bit more body and resonance with voices and orchestral instruments. 

Quick impressions:

The new woofer definitely has a subtly different tone, sounding less dry and bringing out tonal complexities better. It’s just as fast but it supports the leading edges better with a bit more body. It also sounds better damped, taking off a bit of crispness in the upper midrange that can sometimes be heard in the old unit. This really helps out bring out more of the beauty of vocals and wind instruments. 

The tweeter is a similar upgrade, being slightly sweeter and more articulate. It too also sounds a tad less dry, giving flutes a bit more fluidity and harmonic fullness.

The updated drivers and cabinet, as well as the Freedom Grounding system, make the speaker sound exceedingly free of distracting distortions and noises, even more so than the SR series.

The slight dip in the crossover region around 2.8kHz that both @mgd-taww​ and I have heard in the SR 1 (and that I have measured in my SR 1) seems a bit smoother in the R 3.

The bass was huge for a speaker of this size - it could really pound out a full orchestra and bass guitar line with weight and gusto.

Overall the midrange was more relaxed and expansive than what I heard from the prior SR 3 model (the hyper-tweaked Avantgarde Arreté Raw), with a similar fullness in the mid-bass but noticeably stronger output at the bottom end and a much bigger overall presentation. Antonio described it as an evolutionary upgrade over the SR 3, but I felt the many little changes added up to a substantial shift (and improvement) in the overall presentation. It sounds less uptight and clinical than the old model without losing the trademark Audivector speed and incisiveness.

So all in all, a very nice upgrade that makes me excited for how the R 1 would improve on my SR 1. But was I sold? This is where things get a little tricky... the R 3 is no doubt a compelling speaker - fast, detailed, polished and packing a big punch. But similar to when I auditioned the SR 3 before deciding on my smaller SR 1, I felt I heard some trade-offs of adding an extra woofer and larger cabinet to a super precise monitor design. The SR 3’s slight loss of lower midrange clarity vs. the SR 1 is still there with the R 3 - it sounds bigger and fuller, but not as tightly focused. While the extra bottom end is great and results in a much more complete tonal balance, to my ears tones below 250Hz (where the extra woofer kicks in) didn’t quite seem to match the blazing speed of the midrange on up. I liked a lot about the R 3, but I wanted it all, without any compromise whatsoever.

And so...

The SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté (USD $24,999)

Antonio listened to my assessment, and suggested the big-brother SR 6 might hold the answer. At 2.5x the price, it wasn’t originally on my list, but as he had them all set up behind the R 3’s I figured what harm could come from giving them a listen... (famous last words)

Wow. I had heard the SR 6 before, when Mads Klifoth demo’ed them on a visit to the store, but this was my first time sitting down for a serious audition. And it became immediately clear what happens when you give a top-notch designer and firm more than double the budget to build a full range speaker. It had all the speed and purity that I loved of my SR 1, but with even more clarity and resolving power. It then took that speed, and extended it all the way down the frequency spectrum. Every instrument in the orchestra, from the celli to the clarinets to timpani, had the same startling presence and completeness of tone. This is probably the closest I’ve come to feeling like I had the speaker wires plugged directly into my ears.

The weight and scale was impressive, but what really shocked me was listening to Francois Leleux’s solo oboe. The recording is nothing remarkable, made in a church by a small label. But for the first time, I could clearly make out precisely where Leleux’s long tapered notes ended, and where the echo of the church began. It was uncanny, and I had to bring my wife, an oboist, in for a listen the next day. She observed the same: “Wow, it’s so clear. I can hear all his breathing and where his notes begin and end. And I can also now hear all this extra nuance and phrasing in his playing. Dammit.” (She’s always hard on herself when she hears what the best musicians in the world can do with their instruments.) We moved on to the slow movement from Brahms Symphony No. 1 (Berlin Philarmonic/Rattle), a recording we know inside out, and she noted how she had never heard the orchestra with such realistic weight and size, and how this changed the entire balance of the recording to be far more realistic, as you’d hear it in the hall (as in, harder to hear the oboe solo!). She listened some more, and despite knowing the hefty price tag, she couldn’t help but remark “this is really nice...”

And just to make sure it could have fun, I pulled up Carly Rae Jepsen’s Julien (from Dedicated) and heard the track as I’ve never heard it before. The SR 6 sucked me into a soundscape so vivid, it felt like I was being pulled inside the mix, rather than listening to it from the outside. I was engaged, stimulated, bouncing around in my chair. This speaker (not to mention the rest of the system) can definitely boogie, and I could have happily sat there for the rest of the week going through all my favorite tracks.

So, yeah, a $25k speaker model sounds better than the $10k one. Shocking. But it was a clear illustration of how at a certain point with high-end reproduction, you just need to expend a lot more money to get to the next level of realism. It’s diminishing returns for sure, but how sweet those returns are.

It did leave me wondering what an R 6 with the new woofer and all the latest trimmings could sound like. The SR 6 better integrates its midrange with the woofer than the R 3, but it has just a hair of the same dryness that the new resin woofer in the R 3 ameliorates. Not to over-generalize, and a clever designer can massage away much of this, but the material of a cone tends to impart its distinct texture to the sound - untreated paper can sound dry and papery, plastic woofers tend to be plasticky and mushy (examples: early Devore speakers, countless monitors from the ‘90s using the Seas polypropylene cones), metal can be hard and ring-ey, etc. Treated paper tends to be a nice compromise by damping the break-up modes, carbon fiber can also be good (example: Role Audio speakers) but can lean a little dry and mechanical. Dynaudio was onto something when they developed their magnesium-silicate-polymer (MSP) cone - they’re distinctly less dry than paper and carbon fiber, while being much faster and crisper than plain poly cones, and are used to great effect in their Esotec woofers (Example: Silverline SR17, and of course Dynaudio’s own line). I would say the carbon fiber woofer in the SR series is just a tad on the dry side, while the new resin version moves it about halfway between the old woofer and Dynaudio Esotec without sacrificing speed, which to my ears is a very nice place to be. That said, the SR 6 is a considerably more refined speaker than the R 3 and the overall completeness of the design far outweighs the nuances of the driver material. I think I read online somewhere that the R 3 could now give the SR 6 a run for its money; my experience most definitely did not concur with that assessment!

So to sum up: the new R series’s numerous tweaks seem to make an appreciable difference in character and musicality, the R 3 Arreté is impressively fluid and big-sounding, and the SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté is still a killer speaker in its current form... so much so that it’s jumped to the top of my list of potential reference speakers for my new room. I’ve got my eyes and ears on it...

Huge thanks as always to the Antonio, Taylor and the entire Audiovision SF crew for their hospitality.

[reptileshrine]

Top 25 Albums of 2018

As usual, compiling my top albums of the year has been a compelling, exhausting experience, having taken me an actual month of consternation, tweaking, writing, re-tweaking, deleting, and shifting. Too. Much. Good. Music. Even though every year is pretty hard I have to say that, despite my Number 1, which cemented itself relatively quickly and didn’t move despite the competition, choosing a short-list and ranking just a few of the phenomenal albums from this year was more of an impossible task than usual. But here it is, finally. With actual words, albeit the same few adjectives cycled over enough times to amply demonstrate my dwindling vocabulary and ability to use it. Spoiler alert; There is no Mopok, no Spectral Wound, no Andeis, no Panphage, no Sargeist, no Atra Mors, no Forest of Stars, no Paara, no Angantyr, no Moenen Of Xezbeth, among many many others. They could all have been there at some point, but at the time of committing this to the web, they are not. What this list is, is a rank of the albums which I have obsessed over the most, have affected me the deepest, have been turned up loudest on my stereo, and that I feel have pushed black metal into some interesting, transcendent or subversive directions. Behold! My favourite albums of 2018. 25. Make a Change Kill Yourself – IV Cursed Records This is a true masterclass in DSBM. Inspired composition and wretched, grey pall of an atmosphere, that still harbours a sense of hope, albeit an uneasy, precarious one which could drop into a pit of darkness any moment. The wait for new material from this project was well rewarded. (also worth noting how great the Angantyr album was too, but it’s not in my list).

IV by Make a Change... Kill Yourself

24. Majestic Mass - Savage Empire of Death Self-Released / Caligari Cool raggedy stuff that sounds like it’s about to come apart at the seams. I love the cooly melodic garagey rock n roll swagger slung underneath the fuzz. GREAT organ flourishes too. One of my most played albums of the year by far.

Savage Empire of Death by Majestic Mass

23. Everything by Harpag Karnik Erancnoir – Wintermonarchie / Frostfallen / Erancnoir Etheraldine – Shapes of Emerald / Euphony of Heralds / An Eyrie for Serenity Forelunar - Wine and the Limerent Self-Released These three projects offer different rays of light from the prism of Iranian Harpag Karnik. Each is a separate vision of atmospheric post-black metal; Erancnoir the most desolate, Etheraldine the most lush, and Forelunar for conveying deep emotions. Most of these releases are eps featuring two long 10+ minute tracks, which give ample time for the music to soak into you, set a scene and extrapolate their vocative and enchanting motifs.

Frostfallen by Erancnoir

An Eyrie for Serenity by Etheraldine

Wine and the Limerent by Forelunar

22. Enscelados - The Unbeknownst Tyrant Self-Released This mysterious band consists of two un-named international members (though one may possibly be based in Iran, as Harpag Karnik mixed them). They released two pieces in 2018, both one track, with this, the second release, expanding on the intent of the first. The twenty-minute piece uncoils a mobius strip of cosmically fluctuating trance, with a hypnotic beat and swaying riff that locks in for pretty much the full length, save for a small eddy of ambience. A singular vision that is immensely effective.

The Unbeknownst Tyrant by Enscelados

21. Schrat – Alptraumgänger Folter Records Primo old-school. Blistering pace and savage aggression offset by symphonic elements. Smells like 1995, and probably another one that should lead me back to Emperor. I hear some Sons of Northern Darkness in this one too. A+ artwork on this one as well. Love a good moonlit ritual in the forest.

Alptraumgänger by SCHRAT

20. Akitsa – Credo Profound Lore One of my favourite bands that hasn’t released an album that I completely love has just managed to do so (Ash Pool split not withstanding). This has the rawness, the aggression, the wildness and chaos, and the ferocious rocking riffs that have appeared sporadically across all their previous albums, but Credo has all those best bits channelled into a whole album.

Credo by AKITSA

19. Craft – White Noise and Black Metal Season of Mist The stunning return of an old band to a new form. The raging nihilism and wild chaos of previous releases was smoothed right down to a clear sheen for an album almost ironically called White Noise. But it is a surface sheen. Below it lies the same seething violence as before, made arguably more intense by the constraints of the cleanliness. Every song is packing dangerously sharp riffs, delivered with a psychotically dead-eyed precision and coolness that makes for an intimidating experience.

White Noise and Black Metal by Craft

18. Vilkacis – Beyond the Mortal Gate Psychic Violence Feral, raw atmospheric, melodic primal black metal with a spiritual theme, from the visionary M. Rekevics. A torrent of euphoric anguish that feels like a cathartic expulsion of squalid bitterness. Comparisons can be made to related USBM bands Fell Voices and Ash Borer for their strung-out electrically charged atmospheres, while simultaneously channelling the more abrupt aggression of Vrasubatlat bands.

Beyond the Mortal Gate by VILKACIS

17. Knokkelklang - Jeg Begraver Terratur Possessions Elevated blackened trance with a liquid ambient outro. The tone and layers of sheet noise riffs verge on DSBM, but there is a buoyancy to the rhythm and a cosmically searching direction that keeps this album cerebral.

Jeg Begraver by Knokkelklang

16. Urfaust – The Constellatory Practice Ván Records Otherworldly transcendental occult music, from these masters of a form of atmospherics which has always dwelt in a liminal space between doom, BM, and the greyed industrial rock of post-70’s UK; it is highly atmospheric, but of a form well outside the more popular Burzum riff-styled post-metal inspired atmoblack. My favourite release of theirs since Drei Rituale Jenseits des Kosmos.

The Constellatory Practice by Urfaust

15. Selvans – Faunalia AvantGarde Music My expectations were high for this, given Lupercalia was one of my favourite albums of 2015. Three years later, Selvans surpass that achievement with this gothically toned, medieval opus that has outshone the similarly ambitious Forest of Stars album for me, in the grand blackened-classical-concept album stakes. Faunalia is grandiose, but never overblown, trip through a stunningly complex yet coherent tapestry, woven with acoustic folk instruments, woodwind, strings, layers of vocals plus primal pagan black metal aggression to bind it together.

Faunalia by Selvans

14. Thy Dying Light – Forgotten By Time Death Kvlt Productions My introduction to Death Kvlt and the work of Azrael and Hrafn’s many bands. Forgotten by Time is a compilation of previous releases but makes for a cohesive album in its own right, mixing several styles of raw old-school black metal, and a dungeon black ambience to arresting effect. It starts off in spitefully violent fashion, and compels to the end.

Forgotten By Time by Thy Dying Light

13. Délétère - De Horae Leprae Sepulchral Productions This Québécois band, whose line-up features Atheos from the infamous Foretresse and Monarque, tells the conceptual story of a leper destined to become a Plague prophet of Centipèdes. It does so through raw, melodic, orthodox black metal in a style which flashes glimpses of Csejthe, Horna, and of course Fortresse. The opening series of gothic organ riffs is obliterated by a thundercrack of guitar which ushers in over an hour of epic rush. The speed and density of the drums and riffing could potentially be very claustrophobic, but each track finds space to expand and develop into passages of rage, elation, hysteria, heroism, and fevered mania. So yes, the concept works, and in Atrum Lilium might just offer my favourite song of the year.

12. Acathexis - Acathexis Fallen Empire / Entropic Recordings A fitting end to a stellar run of albums this year from Fallen Empire, whose shuttering will leave a black hole that is unlikely to be filled in the same way. December’s swansong releases gave us the immense Death Fortress (somehow not in this list), Lubbert Das (waaaait for it), the dissonant Guðveiki and Serpent Column, and this; Acathexis. An album by a band curated by Fallen Empire itself, who played Déhà’s demos to Jacob Buczarski (Mare Cognitum), and then to vocalist Dany Tee (Downfall of Nur). A supergroup was born, and a stunning album of emotionally arresting, nuanced, inspired atmospheric black metal has been created. The guitar composition is sublime, drawing from every corner of the black metal spectrum, underpinned, pushed and pulled by Jacob’s excellent drum work; the instrumentals given life, death, elation and despair through the incredible range of vocal performances from Dany Tee.

Acathexis by Acathexis

11. Adaestuo - Krew Za Krew World Terror Committee The band comprises three members; Hekte Zaren providing vocals, multi-instrumentalists P.E. Packain / Vainaja (of Horna, Saturnian Mist, Neutron Hammer, Sargeist) and VJS (also Sargeist, Nightbringer, Kult ov Azazel) – their credentials are cosmic, and that is spretty much where they keep the tone of this album. The majority of it is ritual dark ambient and drone, spiked with three explosive black metal tracks. More than just a black metal album, this is alternate devotional, ritual offering and violent ordained execution.

Krew Za Krew by Adaestuo

10. Alkymist – Spellcraft Ceremony Self-Released/Vinyl-Compvlsion Ritualistic occult atmospheric black metal is the sub-sub-sub genre of bm that I am drawn to, though even then there are different versions of it. In his Alkymist guise, Noctis, aka Adrien Bloß, draws on sinuous repetition and the flickering shadows of candlelight to convey the ceremonial ambience while summoning the night terrors.

Spellcraft Ceremony by Alkymist (CAN)

9. Wayfarer – World’s Blood Profound Lore This album is deep, and seems to have been a bit of a sleeper hit. Took me several listens to fully appreciate the scope and detail of the landscape portrayed across the five tracks. An evocative, moody ride under huge thunderheads brewing over ominously desolate plains. Indeed, one track is even titled On Horseback They Carried Thunder. There is an atmosphere pregnant with danger, pressure building in the air of scratchy guitar melodies as lightning forms in the clouds of bass-lines, both instruments occasionally striking out with lightning flourishes. The whole album is underpinned and accentuated by a parched drum sound that often mimics the galloping of hooves and swirling eddies of dust. The blackened silhouette of a lone rider against muted browns sets an accurate tone for the sound of the album, which absolutely succeeds in expressing the scale and history of the wild Western US.

World's Blood by WAYFARER

8. Kriegsmaschine – Apocalypticists No Solace Everyone talks about the drumming, and yes Darkside has unparalleled visionary technique, but it is what the guitars are doing at the same time that brings out the full effect of them. They remind me of Joy Division with their combination of industrialised urban paranoia, existential dread and hostility, set to rhythmic piston percussion, droning trance guitars, and a raw vocal performance. Both strings and skins complementing each other in a minimal/maximal relationship which results in one of the most captivating and unique experiences in black metal.

Apocalypticists by Kriegsmaschine

7. Everything released by the ПРАВА Коллектив Fallen Empire Records, Amor Fati Productions, and Underground Soundscapes That’s the Prava Kollektiv, currently consisting of four projects: Arkhtinn, Mahr, Voidsphere, and HWWAUOCH with five releases between them in 2018. A group of musicians from somewhere in the world, possibly Russia judging by the Cyrillic they write their name in, and fallen Empire describing them as being “from the North”, but then again, possibly not, since Arkhtinn’s full album is titled in Japanese. Over five years after Arkhtinn’s first demo, they have done well to remain unmasked. Mysterious background aside, the music offers its own open interpretations. Arkhtinn have been putting out two-track demos with one fizzing, burning raw cosmic emission backed with a skein of dark ambient. On their album, they went for the double buzz and gave us two ferocious celestial slices of galactic trance. And where they look up, Mahr’s Antelux album tore it all down, using a similar template of pulsing starfire, grounding it in an earthier, more aggressive, primal, chaotic fashion. Voidsphere made their second offering of To Await | To Expect; two elevated tracks of disintegrating cosmic blackness, channeling all the blackened reverberating energies they could summon from the infinite void, and HWWAUOCH did their full-cap moniker justice by tearing out an Icelandic-style album of howling dissonance.

最初の災害 by Arkhtinn

Antelux by Mahr

To Await | To Expect by Voidsphere

HWWAUOCH by HWWAUOCH

6. Everything released by Haraesis Noviomagi A label that houses one of the most progressive, creative and consistent collectives of musicians operating in the black metal sphere, revolving around O, who runs the label and threads all bands together. He put out six releases this year, featuring each band from their roster plus a guest, and all releases are boundary pushing, third-eye opening mutations of the cosmic black metal order: De Ontkoppeling – De Ontkoppeling The only non-metal album from the collective, but still pitch-black in substance, delivering subterranean bass noise, squalid dark ambient feedback and disintegrating electronics.

Solar Temple – Fertile Descent M. and O. put out their second release as Solar Temple, and it was another blackened helix of coruscating trance.

Fertile Descent by SOLAR TEMPLE

Iskandr – Euprosopon O’s solo project, deals with more rural, pagan themes, influenced by early Enslaved with lyrics addressing his homelands and geopsychology of living through particular environments. Possibly the most traditional sounding black metal of all HN releases, it is also the most radical departure from the core locked-groove hypnotics the rest of the bands channel.

Euprosopon by ISKANDR

Fluisteraars / Turia Split – De Oord Fluisteraars is O, A, and B, and this release is another milestone in their catalogue. Building from a subtle post-black beginning, it soon mutates into the most sublime, elegant, and euphoric astral-black. This stratospheric track is backed with the dank fetid claustrophobia of Turia (a three piece of O., J. and T). A gnarly, gut-churning contrast.

De Oord by FLUISTERAARS & TURIA

Vilkacis / Turia Split - Untitled The one was a co-release with Psychic Violence, borrowing Mike Rekevics’ Vilkacis from their roster to lay down two tracks which manage to best everything on his full album. Throw this into the tub when Final March Into Flame peaks. And again, Turia are on point, this time with an exotic dirge, as faintly eastern melodies judder out of the overblown amps and bind the clattering drum disintegration together.

VILKACIS / TURIA SPLIT by VILKACIS

Lubbert Das – De Plagen And finally, to Lubbert Das, comprised of O. J. and R. Shimmering sheets of guitars bend with a woozy unease, eerie melodies stalk the foreground, and drums switch from pounding to sparse punky rhythms. This cataclysmically raw, primeval darkened churn may almost be the perfect distillation of all other bands from this collective.

De Plagen by Lubbert Das

5. Candelabrum – Portals https://youtu.be/NZZIUD-CSrQ Black Cilice side-project that is as lo-fi as the main band, but less caustic. Mournful melodies are buried beneath a miasma of ritualisic occult noise. Here starts a theme for my favoured sound of 2018. One which has always fermented in the dankest corners of black metal, but bloomed in the most virulent manner throughout last year.

4. Pa Vesh En – Church of Bones Iron Bonehead Productions So, the bloom spreads. Pa Vesh En put out a couple of releases this year, peaking with the sepulchral aural torture of Church of Bones. A pestilent miasma of putrid organ drone, petrified, mournful shrieks, ghastly voice and haunted melodies. It drags atmosphere out the air, grinds it through the earth to suffocate in the airless underground, mummifying this spectral black metal in a cloak of oppressive dirt.

Pa Vesh En - Church of Bones by Iron Bonehead Productions

3. VOËMMR - Sombr Moebrd Signal Rex Blood-curdling, ritualistic old-school crypt-dwelling misfit music of a macabre magick. The lugubrious, sickly swirl of organ a nightmarish carousel ride, spinning into giddiness. That sound of that thing is right up there, leading the dance of the raw drum pulse, waltzing a deliriously contorted path through the candlelight. This album is a constant shimmer of heady reverie, but twisted as fuck, and all the more sinister for the calculated way in which it spools out its gnashing chaos.

Sombr Moebrd by VOËMMR

2. Degredo - Noite dos Tempos Signal Rex The deepest, most far-reaching, umbral, otherworldly, conjuration of the year, and one which I cannot really describe any better than whoever writes the blurbs for the Signal Rex releases. They nail those descriptions every time, but I will try in my own words to describe this rawest of shamanist occult from the collective which I think is currently pushing black metal to its furthest limits; the Aldebraan Circle. Corrupting black metal’s traditional chaotic fury into a subducted trench of lightless trance, Degredo crystalise the primitive momentum of the genre into paranoid fractal patterns of static blackness, and slowly the throbbing sepulchral hypnagogia of this album falls upon the listener. Once the drum beat builds up the world stand still, and the walls move in. The riffs bear resemblance to the slow-motion dirge of SunnO))), but this album stands far out on its own, way down a disorienting hall of mirrors, and out of reach of most listeners. Paralysis. Claustrophobia. Tunnel vision. Darkness. Then clarity, elevation and revelation through staring into this black flame.

A Noite dos Tempos by Degredo

1. Över - Facing Transcendence AvantGarde Music Out of the darkness and into the light. A light of sorts. Overall, one of the less oppressive albums in my list, but certainly the most overwhelming. Mr Þórir Nyss has graced us with several albums from several projects this year, from ethereal post-black atmospherics to unruly, disturbing disharmonic noise. With Över, he and Malduchryst incorporate these elements, along with overt rock, squealing lead solos, doomy lurching, and passages of pure savage black metal to emotionally stupefying effect. The composition of this album is stunning, each track developing in a way which transcends genre limitations and defies your expectations. Take the watery introduction of Will that bleeds into a slow dirgy distorted riff. It picks up into hammering drums, juxtaposed by a twinkling keyboard motif. It slowly builds more intensity into each passage, introduces a lowing operatic clean vocal and the riffing intensifies until it peaks with (one of several) anthemic riffs. The euphoric surge of Över is Transcendence and how the astral elegance of that track is dismembered by a guttural riff and degraded into boiling noise. The liquid ambient riff of following track Owner and Slave that bursts into furious slashing riff and vicious snarl vocal, its proclamation of self-immolation and the subsequent life-loosening drift into harmonic solo and all-consuming climax. Just some of the many moments in this album that kept me coming back to it with obsessive regularity.

Facing Transcendence by Över

[thetriggeredhappy]

9 “My head hurts.” for Speedingbullet ~ also you're now my new fav fic author

thank you very much, you’re very sweet!! (warnings for me being mean to scout again)

9.) “My head hurts.”

Sniper really didn’t intend for things to go the way he did. He really didn’t mean any harm. Honest.

Before he joined the team, Sniper was aware of the concept of pranks and whatnot, sure, but he’d never really been subjected to any, or done them to other people. He didn’t go to college (a place where, allegedly according to Engie, pranks happen a lot) and he didn’t technically finish his last year of required schooling and even before that the closest thing to a “prank” that his classmates would do was essentially beat him up. Black eyes and bruises and bloody noses were their idea of a hilarious after-school activity to rope him into.

But on the base, he was introduced to actual pranks. The inside of Demo’s eyepatch being coated in syrup while he’s asleep, Soldier’s helmet being covered in dozens of sparkly stickers, plastic wrap over the door to the kitchen, things like that. Things that were actually a bit funny and not anything worse than annoying and inconvenient to the person being pranked.

At some point, Scout, main prank-maker of the team (years of experience under his belt, apparently) had tried to get Sniper. Salt in the sugar bowl. He’d sat down with coffee, the terrible “acquired taste” stuff that Spy occasionally drank because he mysteriously couldn’t find the normal stuff, and put a spoon’s worth into his mug to make it more bearable. Stirred it. He hadn’t noticed what Scout’s expression was until he lifted the mug to take a sip and made eye contact over the rim. Absolute interest in what Sniper was doing, just a smidge too much to be normal, and no focus at all on the bowl of cereal before him, which just wasn’t normal.

He took his sip, and it was only with that suspicion in the back of his head that he managed to keep from making a face at the taste of it. And then Sniper had a choice to make, and he did so quickly.

He drank the entire mug without flinching. Scout’s confusion rose with every bob of his adam’s apple.

“Something on my face?” Sniper asked neutrally when he put the empty mug down again, the very picture of normalcy.

“Uh,” Scout said, and shook himself from his shock, “I, uh, no. No, you’re good.”

A few beats passed, then Scout picked up the sugar bowl, glancing down at it. He hummed to himself, tipping a bit into his cereal, then putting it down and taking a bite.

He choked immediately, then looked up at Sniper, who was trying very hard not to laugh. “Oh, fuck you.”

That had been the beginning of a little prank war between the two of them.

Scout had done plenty of things. A glitter bomb from an envelope that looked just like the envelopes they received with information for contracts. Taken about half a dozen stray cats from the nearby town and put them all in Sniper’s camper while he was in the base doing laundry. Replaced all the cans of beans and soup that he had stocked up in case of emergencies big or small with cans of brussel sprouts. Given Engie twenty dollars to make a tiny little device that made a little beeping noise every two minutes and fifteen seconds, and promptly hidden it under Sniper’s mattress, driving him bonkers for a total of an hour and a half before he finally found it. It was worth noting that Sniper did lock his door, the little bugger just knew how to pick locks apparently.

Sniper’s major form of retribution for most of the pranks was to act either like it didn’t bother him or like he enjoyed what Scout did. He ended up cooking the brussel sprouts for dinner one day, and talked to Scout about how friendly all the cats were and what their names now were, and Scout was clearly extremely annoyed to see Sniper acting completely normal when he went to battle the day after the beeper incident. But for pranks like the glitter bomb, which left him in a sparkly uniform when he went to dinner, he did feel the need to deliver actual retribution.

Which is why he put an armadillo in Scout’s room. And a small non-venomous snake in Scout’s room after he then started locking his door. And the friendly owl that liked to pester Sniper for snacks in Scout’s room through the window when he asked Demo for help moving his door slightly closer to the floor. He just found that Scout tended to react a lot to animals and kept running with it.

Also he broke Scout’s door once, but to be fair that wasn’t part of a prank. That was a different thing. Which was only tangentially Sniper’s fault technically sort of. He apologized. He got a second glitter bomb.

And admittedly, their little prank war had died down a bit after that, mainly because they’d gotten on somewhat friendlier terms somehow during the mayhem. He wound up talking to Scout occasionally, the younger man just sitting himself down when Sniper was making a campfire or otherwise sitting outside his camper and doing things. In return, sometimes he tried to say hello to Scout when he passed him in the rec room. But then Sniper had suddenly been faced with what he thought was the perfect opportunity.

He’d been out doing his shopping, having headed to a bigger town to get some more specific things that he needed that weren’t easy to find elsewhere, when he’d seen it. The energy drinks Scout chugged like water most of the time, big palettes’ worth of them. Three different flavors, although he’d only ever seen Scout drinking two.

And next to them, the same three again. He walked closer, pondering if maybe Scout would appreciate getting a bulk package of the drinks instead of having to do a twice-weekly run to the store in town to buy a few six-packs. And he’d picked up one of the packs, looked it over, and noticed a little blurb written on it.

“Caffeine-free!”

The plan hit him almost immediately, and he moved to start piling cans into the cart he’d gotten.

From there it was simple—a trick he’d learned years and years before from an oddball “friend” to sneak alcohol into concerts. Sealed drinks being all that was allowed, he learned how to open cans and close them again without it looking any different. It was the work of an afternoon to empty out the cans of Bonk! into the sand (both the Cola and the Fruit Punch flavors just to cover all his bases) and replace them with the caffeine-free versions. Then he waited for the next time they did a supply run, and put it in with the rest of the groceries.

But then, things got… strange.

Scout was fine that first day, a Friday, not particularly groggy at all. During the lunch break in the middle of the day he chugged a good bit more of the soda than even he was usually known for, and didn’t eat anything else, but otherwise acted about the same.

By Monday, things had taken a significant dive.

He first noticed that Scout was almost late. That was extremely strange for him. Scout was usually among the first to report, and would mingle and pester the rest of the team. But instead, he was dashing in five minutes before they were headed onto the field, sleeves not even rolled properly and one shoe untied, looking completely out of it. He stammered an apology, then set about fixing his whole situation.

Through his scope, Sniper kept cursory track over the team so he’d be able to know whether someone could feasibly be passing by or if it was a spy. And what he saw of Scout was funny for a little bit, but quickly grew worrying, and then terribly guilt-inducing.

Scout was fully off his game, running erratically but in a way that was clearly unintentional, getting his attention diverted by sounds of gunfire only to miss the sounds much closer to him. His chatter on the comms was limited, and Sniper caught sight of him getting gunned down over and over and over again.

When the mid-day break was called, a bit earlier than usual, his first sighting of the kid since that morning was of him sitting on a crate, elbows on his knees, head held tight in his hands, talking quietly to Medic, who looked extremely concerned about the situation. Within a few moments the scene had brought over Engie and Demo, and everyone looked fairly grim.

Spy noted the scene happening, then glanced at Sniper, and his posture went rigid at Sniper’s expression. Presumably it was one of guilt, because that’s what was rapidly overtaking Sniper.

“What did you do?” Spy asked sharply, voice a hiss.

“Nothing,” Sniper said quickly, defensively.

All at once, Spy was stood just behind him, a hand on his shoulder, the other holding a knife in the bend of his back, cutting through the stitch of his vest and pressing hard enough to make Sniper’s heart skip a few beats. “Interesting answer. Because our local little idiot has been feeling horribly, terribly under the weather all day, and this is rapidly becoming the sort of problem that gets him in trouble with noteworthy individuals,” he said, voice the kind of lighthearted that made Sniper aware that he was probably about to be killed if he so much as stuttered. Then the weight of what Spy was saying to him sunk in, and he paled in realization. Scout could get in very real trouble for such a drop in numbers. Very, very real trouble. And in their line of business, bad things usually happened to those who got in trouble with their employers. “I just found it interesting, the way you were staring at him just now.”

“I didn’t mean any harm,” he managed, voice hoarse. “Really, I didn’t!”

“I’m going to ask you this exactly once, bushman,” Spy said, voice low now. “What. Did. You. Poison him with?”

A pause. “Oh! No, no, mate, you’ve got it wrong, I—I didn’t poison him! I just—“

The slightest bit of additional pressure from the knife.

“Really! I just switched out that caffeine nonsense he drinks for the same stuff but without the caffeine. It was just supposed to be a prank, I, I didn’t think he would get like this. Figured he’d be a bit groggy and that’s all!”

Spy swore to himself under his breath. “You’re an idiot, bushman,” he hissed. He shoved Sniper a step forward. “Go explain to him what you did. Now.”

Sniper did walk over.

Medic had moved away to talk quietly with Demo, but Engie was still there, sitting next to Scout, a comforting hand on his shoulder. He looked up as Sniper approached, giving him a little, worried smile.

“Er,” Sniper said, fidgeting with his hands for a second before just sticking his thumbs into his pockets. “Scout, can I talk to you for a mo’?”

Scout hummed out a little noise like agreement.

Sniper glanced at Engie again, who took a moment before he realized what Sniper meant and went to get up and give them space. He gave Scout one more pat on the shoulder before he went.

Sniper took his place, hands to himself. “Er. So… you’re not doin’ so well,” Sniper tried.

Scout groaned, shoulders sinking further. “I dunno what the fuck is wrong. This shouldn’t be happening,” he said, voice quiet. “I’m fuckin’ dying over here.”

“Yeah?” Sniper asked, guilt corroding at him quicker by the minute.

“My head hurts,” Scout started. “I feel like I’m gonna throw up. My hands won’t stop shaking and I can barely reload a gun. I didn’t sleep at all last night or the night before that or the night before that and I can’t get a good breath in and I feel like I’m five fuckin’ seconds away from freaking out. Just the usual gunshots and screaming make me start shaking even worse and basically I fuckin’ hate everything right now an’ wanna die. I felt like shit all weekend too but it’s just getting worse and worse.”

Sniper swallowed hard.

“And I dunno what the fuck the issue is, I—I only ever start gettin’ shaky and gross feeling whenever I go without getting caffeine for a few days, and, and I’ve drank like three cans and kept ‘em down and everything and I—I dunno the fuck else to do,” Scout said, and there was an underlying kind of distress, dismay, panic, misery that made Sniper fold in on himself.

“Didn’t realize… you needed it that much,” Sniper said carefully.

Scout sighed, his breath leaving him almost explosively. “Yeah, because I didn’t want nobody to know. Only the Doc was supposed to know, because we kept tryin’ all kinds of meds but none of ‘em worked right, and we figured out if I just drink a fuck ton of caffeine it works better than most meds. So he found some stuff with a ridiculous amount of the stuff and now I drink it all the time or I can’t think right or do anything.” A second sigh, and Scout looked like he was trying to melt and sink into the ground. “And now everybody knows that I’m a fuckin’ idiot who can’t do shit or think right without drinkin’ enough liquid energy to give a bear a heart attack. And I’m maybe having the worst day ever and I just wanna go curl up and down half a bottle of headache meds and try and sleep until everything stops sucking so much.”

Sniper was pretty sure he was going to keel over dead.

“But hey,” Scout said, a dreary, sarcastic attempt at optimism in his voice, and lifted his head enough to look at Sniper, and he hadn’t noticed earlier, but his face was pale and his eyes had bags and circles under them that may as well have been bruises they were so dark. “At least you’re over here. Talkin’ to me. That’s really not like you. Good to know you give that much of a shit about me to come listen to me whine.”

Sniper had to look away, squeeze his eyes shut.

“Anyways, you said you wanted to talk to me?” Scout asked, putting on a terribly brave face despite how objectively horrible he was feeling.

“It was me.”

A pause. Sniper couldn’t look up. “What?”

“It was me. I switched your Bonk! out for some caffeine-free rubbish.”

Another, different pause. “You what?” Scout asked, voice quiet.

“It was meant to just be a prank,” Sniper said, head falling to his hand. “I thought you’d get all drowsy for a little while, be sleepy and a bit off your game and confused. I didn’t mean to make you feel this sick, and… and I’m sorry.”

Silence for a good minute or so. “Snipes, I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

Sniper nodded. “I’d deserve it,” he conceded, glum.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you.” Sniper got shoved, and was sent sprawling on the dirt. “You fuck! I can’t believe you!”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Sniper tried, sitting up.

“God damn it if you weren’t so cute I’d break you right now!” Scout exclaimed, bat in hand, red-faced and positively fuming.

“You think I’m cute?” Sniper asked, a bit surprised.

“Not the topic of conversation right now! You’re a bastard!”

Sniper fell back onto the dirt, staring up at the sky. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“You owe me,” Scout declared.

“I know.”

“Big time,” Scout added.

“I know.”

“You’re takin’ me out after we clock out today and you’re buying me more soda and then you’re getting me dinner,” Scout finished.

“That sounds fair.’

“…Fuck you,” Scout said once more before he stormed off.

Sniper remained on the ground for another few moments, silent.

“…Cute?” he repeated to himself quietly.

[eggoreviews]

Nintendo Direct Feb 2019 BREAKDOWN

So, that direct was pretty okay right? If you missed it or even if you didn’t, I’m gonna be taking a look at everything announced and giving it a vague excitement rating! Enjoy!

Super Mario Maker 2

This was a pretty great way to kick off this direct. With the promise of a host of new features coming in this entry to build upon the first, including the introduction of slopes (finally) and a new texture pack based on Mario 3D World, I reckon this is definitely one to mark in the calendar. Mario Maker 2 is slated for a, gratefully soon, June 2019 release.

Excitement Rating: YEEHAW

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: The Black Order

The long awaited third entry in the MUA series, to the surprise of many, is in fact a Switch exclusive. For those who don’t know, this is a hack-and-slash fighting game, of course tied heavily to Marvel comics. This entry seems to be riding in off the back of Infinity War, with Thanos and the Black Order showcased as central villains. Honestly, this game looks like it could be fun, especially with friends, though I don’t think it’ll turn out to be anything special.

ER: Sure, why not!

BOX BOY! + BOX GIRL!

This adorable little puzzle platformer is making its debut on Switch this spring, with the promise of local multiplayer and more levels than ever before. Looks to be a goodun for fans of cute, minimalist art design and box-based puzzles and the like.

ER: Cool! Those boxes can move!

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate - Ver. 3.0

Nintendo sort of slapped us in the face with a lovely, welcome announcement of a new Smash update! Oh boy! New features! And then they turn around and say they aren’t gonna tell us what they are.

Oh.

Kind of makes me question the point of putting this in the direct a little, but I’m sure whatever they’ll add will be cool! On top of that, a tentative release window for Joker was given (before the end of April this year) and we got a cheeky look at some of the new spicy amiibos, being Snake, Simon and the Pokemon Trainer lot.

ER: Yay?

Captain Toad Treasure Tracker Updates

Here’s one that definitely caught me offguard, but I’m more than happy with it considering I just picked up the game. Part of the new Captain Toad content is free, adding in proper 2 player co-op where you can both play as Toad. The paid ‘special episode’ stuff struck me as a little odd, considering this game was already a Wii U port that’s now getting even more paid DLC. Regardless, it’s not too pricey and you can even pick up the first DLC course now, with the rest coming March 14.

ER: That’s cool! 

Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night

This not-quite-Castlevania game could easily be mistaken for a knock off of that franchise, but seems to have some defining elements of its own. The art style is bold enough to make it unique and the game seems to have an interesting variety of puzzles and side quests to make this more than just a run of the mill 2D platformer. An obvious choice for those with a Castlevania shaped hole in their hearts.

ER: You go bouncy vampire lady

Dragon Quest Builders 2

What is basically just Dragon Quest Minecraft with a story mode apparently, this oddly charming sandbox game was seemingly popular enough to warrant a sequel. And I won’t lie to you, it got me a little excited. As a fan of Dragon Quest its art style and general building-ness, I think I might have to pick this one up. And it’s got a cool retro map!

ER: I’m not excited, you are

Dragon Quest XI S: Echoes of an Elusive Age: Definitive Edition

In case you hadn’t guessed, I literally adore Dragon Quest. The bright colours, the developed characters, the expansive world, awesome monster designs, great soundtrack and lame sense of humour, it all just gets me. It just sort of sucks I already own this on the PS4, where I can’t access all this new content. Oof. But yeah, pick this up if you can. You won’t regret it if you’re a JRPG fan.

ER: More like echoes of an exclusive age amirite

Disney Tsum Tsum Festival

Oh.

I won’t lie to you right now, nothing screams ‘soulless’ to me more than small Disney plushes with all the personality taken from them being stuck into totally random minigames. Don’t get me wrong, I love Disney (mostly through Kingdom Hearts but that’s besides the point) but I don’t think this elicited much excitement in anyone.

ER: I guess this exists, huh?

Starlink: Battle for Atlas - Spring Update

This was another one that surprised me. Considering how mind meltingly badly Starlink bombed, partly down to its odd reliance on the whole ‘toys to life’ craze that died out in 2013, I really didn’t think there’d be any further support for the game and they’d just sort of slip it under the rug. But nope, we’ve got some more Switch exclusive missions involving some more Star Fox characters, as well as the introduction of Wolf’s buddies. Honestly, I think Nintendo needs to do themselves a favour and just release a new Star Fox game.

ER: Great, if for some reason you bought this!

Rune Factory 4 Special & Rune Factory 5

Here’s a series I’d literally never heard of until last Wednesday, but the only way I can describe it from what I’ve seen is it looks to be a cross between Animal Crossing and kind of also Dragon Quest. You cook stuff, you farm stuff, you fight things and you can get married if you want, so definitely cool if you’re a fan of the series. But also cool if you’re someone who wished Animal Crossing was a bit more JRPG. Alongside the announcement of a remastered Rune Factory 4 later this year, as well as confirmation of Rune Factory 5 sometime in the future.

ER: Cool! Plants and stuff!

Oninaki

An action RPG with an intriguing premise and a rich, dark colour scheme, Oninaki seems very eager to set itself apart from other JRPGs on the market and still manages to stand out just a bit, even in a direct that’s basically been packed with JRPGs. Oninaki explores themes of reincarnation and grief, following the story of one grey-haired dude saving lost souls from a place called the Upside Down the Beyond to stop them from turning into monsters. Another one to add to the list if you like edgy RPGs!

ER: Edgy and cool

Yoshi’s Crafted World

Another update for this adorably cardboard entry into the long running Yoshi series, we’re finally getting close to actually being able to play it. Nintendo showcased some of the more interesting variants of gameplay, with the use of rafts, cars and planes definitely making this seem that there’s some substance here to go with the style. Alongside this, a demo released on the eshop so go play that if you haven’t already and decide if it’s for you!

ER: Wow, this game has a Labo costume! I’ll definitely grind for that!

Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Finally some more info about Nintendo’s latest instalment in their anime Game of Thrones series Fire Emblem, we got a big ol infodump about some of the stuff to do with the game. While the video itself will explain everything better than I can, this time players will be able to interact with three kingdoms and three main protagonists, all of this centralising around one academy the game is set within. Overall, this game certainly looks interesting to play, but one I’m not quite sure I’ll be picking up just yet. Basically, if you’re unfamiliar with the games but love a tactical RPG, this one is a no brainer.

ER: Edelgard’s design is pretty cool. If one of them has to get into Smash, I hope it’s her.

Tetris 99

The game many have been calling Tetris Battle Royale, this is the very first Nintendo Switch Online exclusive offering and it’s totally free if you’re a member. It’s Tetris and you have to win against 98 other people, also playing Tetris. Nice!

ER: Tetris block for Smash

Dead by Daylight

As a game I got for free through Playstation Plus, it should be fairly obvious that this port isn’t one that excites me greatly, especially after seeing the quality of the graphics in the trailer the direct showed us. While the concept of an online match with several survivors and one killer sounds good on paper, it seems as if the quality of this port may leave a lot to be desired. But still, this could still only be early development footage and we really have no idea how it’ll look by the end.

ER: Tentative

Deltarune

Undertale is one of my favourite games of all time, so of course it excited me to find out I’d finally be able to play the sort of sequel, Deltarune, which Toby Fox has taken in the interesting direction of splitting the game into chapters. The first of these chapters will be free (yay I like free) and it certainly seems like the same abstract sense of humour and charm present in Undertale has been carried over to this sequel. Definitely one to watch.

ER: Always excited about cartoon doggo

Daemon X Machina

This mech-fighter has been floating around in various Nintendo directs for a fair while now and it’s encouraging to see the game come close to release. In a commendable move, the producer of the game has offered a free demo of the game allowing you to pilot your own custom mech and experience a boss battle in the demo known as ‘Prototype Missions’. The aim of this to gain feedback from potential players in order to make the game as good as it can be, which is amazing! It’s honestly a bit of a dream world where every game developer and publisher is as open and transparent as these guys, so kudos to them. As well as this, the game looks pretty heckin’ fun so it’s definitely worth picking up the demo off the eshop and giving these guys your feedback!

ER: Big ol’ robots hell yeah

GRID Autosport

As of yet, the Switch has lacked a realistic racing game. Enter Grid Autosport, which seems to be packed with a variety of cars, tracks and game modes, including all DLC from the original release of the game. Not one for me, but I’m sure there’s plenty of Switch owners out there whose racing fix isn’t quite satisfied by Mario Kart.

ER: V big if ur a car person

Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

This game was notably created in collaboration with neurologists and those who experience psychosis in order to properly portray the main character and her mental health struggles. Following the quest of Senua as she fights to save the soul of her dead lover, this game created a huge wave through the industry when it first launched and won major awards for its artistic design and performance. While this isn’t one I’ve had the chance to try yet, it certainly looks as if it provides a brilliant, emotional experience from beginning to end.

ER: A lot

Mortal Kombat 11

This was one everyone basically already knew about, but this direct gave us a reminder of the release date and various features such as custom characters. For fans of this long running, brutal fighting game, get April 23 in ur brains.

ER: Cool

Unravel Two

This adorable puzzle platformer sees you and, optionally, a friend take control of two little creatures made of yarn as they navigate a colourful world and help each other pass various obstacles. For those fans of platformers like the Yoshi series, Unravel is definitely one to consider.

ER: Cool

Assassin’s Creed III Remastered

This is the iconic stealth fighting series Assassin’s Creed’s first outing on Switch, but if this footage is anything to go by, it’s not looking brilliant. While this once again could be put down to unfinished development, the first look at a game is often the most important, and a slow frame rate shown during the direct could mean this game isn’t what fans want it to be.

ER: Tentative

Final Fantasy Release Dates

For fans of the legendary and slightly intimidating JRPG series, several games in the series both new and old will be coming to the Switch in 2019:

Final Fantasy VII on March 26th

Chocobo’s Mystery Dungeon EVERY BUDDY! on March 20th

Final Fantasy IX is out now!

ER: Cloud is my favourite twink

Astral Chain

Admittedly, at a first glance, this title in a brand new franchise didn’t particularly excite me. But after having another look, I can definitely see where all the hype is coming from. This looks to be a hack-and-slash sort of action RPG with all the edgy story elements and setpieces of that ever so popular steampunk genre that players seem to love these days. With all these mechs, explosions and edgy voiceovers, it makes me think that Xenoblade Chronicles and Deus Ex had some kind of torrid love affair. On top of this, with a dev team that has Bayonetta, The Wonderful 101 and NieR: Automata under their belt, this is a game that will almost certainly impress when it finally comes out on August 30. Platinum Games might just have another winner here.

ER: Big yes

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

oKAY, let’s be real, this is the one that really knocked it out of the park. At least for me it did. As the final reveal, this made me scream a little tiny bit. I think we’d all heard the rumours of a 2D Zelda coming to Switch, but I was highly skeptical to say the least. But a wonderfully charming and artistically bloody P E R F EC T remake of Link’s Awakening?? HHHHHH. They even kept all the Mario enemies for some reason! Oh boy, whenever they release this in 2019 apparently really can’t come soon enough.

ER: AAAAAAAAAAAAA

That was all for this direct! I hope you enjoyed my silly, unplanned breakdown of all the cool things that happened. Til the next direct!

Oh and if you’ve got a craving for more game news, be sure to check back on my blog March 1st for the second ‘issue’ (lol) of my monthly viddy game mag!

Stay hydrated my dudes.

[deliriumzer0]

Hey there! Any Ayu-related posts or write-ups in the pipeline?

Actually, answering this ask is a good opportunity to both review TROUBLE and explain why I haven’t up until now.

I’m having a very hard time reviewing TROUBLE for one very plain and simple reason: musically, it elicits very few emotions for me. Decent review writing is much easier when you feel something, whether that’s anger or delight, disappointment or elation with the material. Sadly, TROUBLE is a C- level effort. It follows all the rules, but does absolutely nothing more, and it only does it for 5 tracks (3 of which we heard before the “album” came out).

After two years I was hoping for some sign that Ayu had perhaps been listening to more music that wasn’t her own, that she had written more material about her struggles over the last 2 years like the deterioration of her physical condition or second divorce. Unfortunately, even putting aside the low quantity of new music, the tracks we got show approximately zero growth and it’s hard to get passionate about it. I don’t hate it, it’s certainly solid work, but it doesn’t make me FEEL much of anything. It’s just a reasonably pleasant background listen, and for me personally, that’s not music’s purpose. And it’s certainly not why I fell in love with Ayu’s music to begin with.

I know it makes me sound like the typical “I hate their new material, I liked their old stuff better” fan when I say things like “I miss Ayu’s old material.” Listeners who say things like that are often disappointed with change; they want more of the version of the artist that they fell in love with. In this case, it’s almost exactly the opposite situation. Up until A BALLADS, Ayu was frequently attempting different sounds and genres and styles. Over time, her willingness to branch out has dwindled, and since Love songs I’ve mostly been disappointed in her albums as a whole. I haven’t liked some of her more experimental moments, like the Colours album, but I appreciated the experiment at least. For the entire latter half of her career, her discography has consisted of mostly very samey material with a sprinkling of moments of inspiration and daring sound changes. Those moments always set me up for future musical progress, but I’ve ultimately been disappointed each time.

TROUBLE, sadly, turned out to be the inevitable disappointment after the bits of brilliance on M(A)DE IN JAPAN. It doesn’t take the moments of awesomeness from MIJ and move them forward (in fact it doesn’t take them at all). Sure, TROUBLE is roughly on par with the most competent A7-era material (A ONE and sixxxxxx), which is certainly not bad. But MIJ included some tracks with more daring production or an unusual amount of rawness in the mix. Songs like “FLOWER,” “Survivor,” “Break down,” and even “Mr. Darling” made me feel energized or angry or fascinated or warm. The album also had far less over-polish on her vocals; you could hear more cracks, more flaws, and as a consequence more emotion. I LOVED the vocal vulnerability I got on MIJ.

TROUBLE lacks any of MIJ’s positives, sadly.

One thing I will say in TROUBLE’s favor is that “W” is excellent. It corrects everything I perceived as an error on “WARNING.” She gave that song’s general concept and approach a second try and this one is much, much better. It is perhaps disappointing that she basically made “WARNING part 2,” but as prolific as she is I’m okay with the occasional duplication of themes as long as the new version is an improvement. (Side note, just as a counter example: when “Like a Doll” happened after “Marionette,” I was considerably less thrilled.)

Anyway, over the last few years, Ayu’s material has shown next to zero creative growth; when I do hear growth, she doesn’t develop it. She dips her toes in that water, and then pulls them right back out again. She seems either uninspired or insecure, neither of which are conducive to creating music that’s worth as much as Avex is charging for it (more on that later). Her songwriting & recording has been relegated to a process which could be nearly automated aside from the actual lyric writing process (which continues to be very solid - she’s genuinely talented and I have very little issue with her lyric writing). The demos fit within a certain creative box that she rarely moves out of.

And, unrelated to the quality of the music itself, I kinda wanna rant about Yoneda’s handling of her releases. Based on an article I read recently on the Avex Group website, he has been responsible for some… actually kind of amazing failures as far as the marketing & releasing of Ayu’s material. He seems to feel like, since Ayu fans are so dedicated and are gonna buy a certain number of copies of ANYTHING regardless of quality, then it’s totally fine to rip her fans off (and this is actually something I suspected years ago, and that article more or less confirmed it despite talking about it as though it’s a positive).

It’s no doubt him who’s deciding to call TROUBLE an “album” when in reality it’s a selection of two live blu-rays with a bonus 5-song EP included. He’s probably the one who called LOVE and again mini-albums when they’re ostensibly singles. He’s the one charging fans for bonus first-press items that are just cheap “imprint with your own logo” giveaway freebies you can order for pennies apiece yourself (you really can). He’ll call things “deluxe” or “premium” that I could make myself at home in a matter of an hour or two.

Admittedly, this is one major reason I let my TeamAyu membership lapse, and also why I have not purchased TROUBLE and likely will not buy it new. If I get it, it’ll probably be years from now, used, at a Book-Off in California or something. If TROUBLE had an inexpensive discs-only CD+BD version, I’d probably be fine with getting it. But with the TROUBLE box sets, advantage is clearly being taken and I am not on board for that.

In conclusion, friends & enemies… TROUBLE is okay. It’s not amazing. It’s not awful. It’s perfectly listenable, the lyrics are great, but if you were hoping for Ayu to continue the apparent forward development we started to hear on MIJ, you’ll be as disappointed as I was. And $110 for a 5-track CD, a concert blu-ray, a few photos, and a keychain is insane to me. But fans bought that overpriced Colours box with the candle (which smells fantastic, but you could buy it for like $5 on its own later on), so what did I expect really?(If you really wanna get mad, check out the package for the new Muse album and its price. Granted, Japanese releases are always gonna be more expensive, but why should anyone be paying more than about $60-75 for the TROUBLE CD+Blu-ray? It’s just a bad move, in my opinion.)