#; crack : he's baaaaaack

[agcntmobius-a]

oh look, it’s loki. 

[writemekpop]

Make Up Sex | Lee Jeno

Summary: You've been hiding a big secret from your husband Jeno. What happens when he finds out?

Genre: Established relationship AU, angsty, suggestive, baby daddy Jeno

Word Count: 1k

A/n: We're baaaaaack! We're sorry it's been a while, so here have some juicy Jeno baby daddy angst xx requests are open!

It was past midnight when you got home from work. You felt terrible for missing Mac's bedtime for the fifth time this week.

Right now, all you wanted was to curl up in bed next to your husband Jeno and sleep for a year.

You tiptoed into the living room and set your bag down on the sofa. You flicked on the light, and saw Jeno sat at the dining table.

You yelped. "Jeno, what were you doing sitting in the dark?"

Jeno didn't reply. That's when you realised something was off with him. He was sat bolt upright, jaw clenched, hands balled up into fists.

Even though he was sat there in his blue polkadot pyjamas, he looked threatening. His dark hair framed his frown.

You edged closer. "What's the matter?"

Then you saw the bunch of folded letters in his hand. Your heart dropped into your stomach.

"Jeno, I can explain..."

Jeno met your eyes for the first time. His brown eyes were ice cold.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" He spat.

You pulled out the chair next to Jeno and sat down. You put your arm on his shoulder, but he flinched away from your touch.

Jeno shoved a piece of paper into your hands. "This is an offer letter for a job in Argentina."

You gulped.

Jeno flipped through the other letters. "It says here you applied six times." He said. "You applied for a job on the other side of the world six times and you didn't think to tell me about it once?"

You couldn't tell if Jeno looked more angry or just hurt.

"I was going to tell you..."

Jeno scoffed. "When? From the plane? Or were you just going to call me from... Rio or whatever the fuck the capital of Argentina is."

"I didn't think I'd actually get in..."

Jeno rolled his eyes.

You frowned. "You know, this is actually a really big deal. This is one of the most prestigious jobs in the world for a conservation biologist. Why can't you just be proud of me?"

Jeno stood up, the chair screaming against the wooden floor. He bowed dramatically.

"Congratulations, Y/n."

Tears pricked your eyes. "You don't have to be sarcastic."

Jeno stormed out of the living room, slamming the door.

You winced, tiptoeing behind him. "Shh, you'll wake Mac!" You eyed the door to the nursery, which was ajar.

"So now you remember we have a son! Are you just going to deprive your toddler of his mother for a whole year?"

"It's actually a two year programme..." you said, eyeing the carpet.

Jeno tugged his hand through his hair. "Well that's just perfect."

You followed Jeno into the bedroom.

"You know, Y/n. Normal people have affairs. They don't sneak off behind their partner's back and get a job a thousand miles away."

You slumped onto the bed, sighing. "Jeno, I just feel like I'm wasting away at my current job. I know I was made for some thing bigger. The project I'll be working on is to create an entirely new source of green energy. We could change the world."

Jeno sat down beside you on the bed. "I didn't know you hated your job."

You edged closer to Jeno, closing the gap between you and him on the bed. You tentatively touched his arm. He didn't push you away this time.

You traced your fingers up his biceps, across his neck and settled on his cheek. Jeno shut his eyes and leaned his face into your hand.

You looked as his dark eyelashes, and his plump lips. You just wanted to kiss his pain away.

Jeno kept his eyes squeezed shut as he spoke. "To me, you and Mac are my whole world. Are we not enough for you?" His voice cracked. "Am I not enough for you?"

You gulped. You knew what the answer was, but somehow, the words wouldn't come out.

You held Jeno's face in your hands. Then you leaned forwards and kissed him, hard.

Jeno grunted in surprise, but he quickly started to kiss you back. His large hands found your waist, and he pulled you onto his lap, so that you were straddling him.

You drank up Jeno's taste, the faint peach scent of his shampoo, the feel of his hard body underneath you.

You broke the kiss for a second, and pullled your shirt off. You unclasped your bra. The look in your husband's eyes was close to feral.

You were used to slow and gentle love making, with lots of soft smiles and giggles. This was completely different. Your entire body felt alight.

Jeno yanked off his own top. You eyed his muscled body, mouth watering. He picked you up in one arm and dropped you on the centre of the bed. He lay himself on top of you.

You kissed his neck whilst he took off the rest of your clothes.

Jeno dived between your legs, making you gasp.

--

After, you lay with your head on Jeno's chest. You were both still naked. The rhythmic thumping of Jeno's heart calmed your haywire nerves.

After a while of comfortable silence, Jeno cleared his throat.

"We're going to have to get Mac some sunglasses, for when we come down to visit. I hear it's pretty sunny in Argentina."

You shot up and turned to look at Jeno. His dark fringe was coveirng his eyes, and his cheeks were flushed.

"You're okay with me going?" You exclaimed.

Jeno sat up too. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a hug.

"You should have told me sooner," Jeno said. "But... of course I'm happy for you. I always knew you were going to change the world. I'm sorry about how I reacted."

You couldn't stop the tears from falling down your cheeks. You buried your head in his shoulder and cried.

"I love you," you said, between sobs. "I'm sorry for keeping this from you."

Jeno wiped your tears away with his thumbs. He smiled. "Has anyone told you you're an ugly crier?"

You snorted. Jeno started to laugh, which made you laugh too. The tension in the room melted away, leaving only love.

You ran a finger down the centre of Jeno's chest, making him shudder with pleasure.

Jeno pulled the blanket over you both. "Two years isn't that long, when you think about it. Not when we've got forever."

"You helpless romantic, you..."

Let us know what you thought in the comments or on anon! 💋

—

MAIN MASTERLIST

[gingerteawrites]

Undeserving - Where the shadow of the past looms over Diluc’s present

A/N: I'm baaaaaack. This one has been in the works for a minute, and has taken on many different forms, but here I grace you with a work about my OG Genshin husband. Please enjoy and let me know what you think! Not beta read

Content: ANGSTTTT, Husband Diluc, relationship troubles.

Word count: 1.5K

Diluc Ragvindr had convinced himself that the last thing he wanted on this earth was to start a family. The tale of his own being torn apart would never not be a sore wound, one that incessantly throbbed, one that he believed would never heal.

The idea of being ripped away from any sort of attachment was repulsive, as was the possibility of growing estranged from loved ones. Familial bonds were simply too sensitive of a topic. Too painful of an ache.

You on the other hand, had always dreamed of the wonders of marriage. Of a sacred contract of love and care. And after years of timid courting, Diluc did what he thought would never be possible. He gave into the new, selfish desires of your company. Of an attachment to you. Of what he could be WITH you.

Diluc got married to you, the love of his life. Something he felt was simultaneously the best and worse thing he could ever have done. It did not take too long for him to become consumed with dread of history repeating himself. The potential of all the failings of this new attachment loomed over him like shadows of the abyss.

While you enjoyed the newly-wed bliss, the joy of finally being united with your love. Your husband spiraled into more and more agitated thoughts. Yes, this union was something he had wanted. So badly it kept him awake at night. He had wanted to have you for himself. And him for you. But everything he kept inside him created a dangerous brew of dark thoughts that now made him restless.

He tried to hide this all from you. Oh how ashamed he felt. Staying at Angel’s share a little longer than usual, leaving the house before you woke up for sparring exercises, coming up with things to do when you tried to bring him lunch as a surprise.

It all came as a shock to your system. You had always known that Diluc was not openly affectionate, but he had never truly avoided you. Your romance was one of timid touches and whispered sweet words, of acts of service and long evening walks, but never of hiding and silence. It drove you mad.

You tried to be the bigger person and give him space. Afterall, you knew — if only partly— of his family’s woes and him not being used to have someone so close. But after weeks of this game of hide and seek, you had had enough.

One Friday night, with your own spiralling thoughts, you ordered all the house servants to take the weekend off, and waited for Diluc, resolve hard as steel to get through this issue.

When he silently cracked the door open, he jumped at the sight of you, gaze fixed on him with your arms crossed, a single candle on the nightstand illuminating your face.

“Hey,” he greeted quietly, closing the door before he started to take off his coat.

“Hey,” you responded, lips pursed as you watched him. These were the first words you had exchanged all week.

He almsot felt small under your gaze, taking off his outer garments and gloves which he set on his dresser and turned to face you with a sigh.

“I’m sorry I’ve been quite busy recently,” he tried to appease you, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I am exhausted, shall we sleep?”

Your brows furrowed in exasperation, and you unfolded your arms.

“Not so fast Diluc.” He froze at your tone, sharp, cutting through the dry air. “Is that truly all you wish to say?” You asked, feeling yourself growing shaky with all the contained emotions. Confusion. Anger. Fear.

“What…” he turned fully towards you “What do you mean?” he asked hesitantly.

You took in a shaky breath, closing your eyes to calm your nerves. When you reopened them, you noticed your husband’s slightly hunched position, his bangs falling over his eyes. That hair that always reminded you of a warm hearth. Something to grow fond of, now looked dull in the pale candelight. And the sight made your heart ache.

“Diluc please don’t play dumb with me. What is going on?” You ask, leaning towards him “You’re avoiding me.” The words leave a bitter taste in your mouth and your lip curls in distaste.

“Did I do something wrong?” You add after a pause, the sadness breaking through your tone.

“No, no, no, it’s nothing you have done.” He jumps in, guilt gripping at him hearing your pain. It was much easier to rationalize his behavior when all he saw was your sleeping form when he left in the mornings and came back late at night. But now faced with you awake, his chest felt unbelievably tight.

“Then what is it?” You ask, steadying your voice once again.

Diluc sighed, his fingers gripping the sheets beneath him. He then raises his head so his eyes can meet yours, the curtains of his hair falling away from his face, and you see the conflict in his eyes. The pain of something he is keeping locked away in his being.

“Please talk to me.” You whisper, covering his hand with yours.

“I…” he pauses, feeling ashamed of his thoughts. How could he even justify his actions to you. “Maybe… maybe us getting married was a mistake.”

The words pierce through you like a blade, and your entire body stiffens, mouth agape, eyes open wide. You feared your ears betrayed you. “What did you say?” you hear yourself ask.

His hand reached for yours, and you jerked away before he could reach you. His lips opened and closed multiple times, like he was trying to find words.

Recovering from the initial shock of his words, and all you felt was an overwhelming sense of anger bubble out of you. “Is there someone else?” You asked through gritted teeth. The possibility would absolutely obliterate you, but you had to know.

“No, I could never.” He rushed to say again. ”Then what is this about, Diluc!?” You almost yelled, chest heaving. You did not recognize the man standing before you.

“I…” he stammered again, brows downturned, biting his lower lip. “You just deserve someone better.” He spat out, his entire body tense. “You’re just too good for me. And I am sorry it took me until now to realize it. No.” He stopped himself. “I knew all along, but I was selfish.” He shook his head. “I just can’t make this work.” He sucked in a deep breath, his voice growing meek.

Your hands fall against the mattress, fully taking in his words. Words that did nothing to quell your anger, only adding more fuel to it.

“And who made that call?” You ask, loud voice resonating through the room. He looked up at you with wide eyes. “Who decided that huh?” You leaned towards him. “Not me.” You concluded bitterly.

“But.” He says, eyes locked with yours.

“But nothing, Diluc.” You punctuated, voice firm again. “I think you are deserving of me.” You point to yourself. “I love you Diluc. Do you not?”

“Of course I do.” He adds, closing the distance between you two, his fingers finding yours again. “I just don’t want this to end badly. I don’t want us to end badly.” He confesses.

“But don’t you think we’re worth the risk?” You ask, searching his eyes. “Don’t you think that our love is worth trying?” You emphasize.

He looks down at your linked fingers before his gaze returns to you. “I am a weak man. Weaker than I look, certainly. I’m scared of losing you.”

“So you decide to push me away?” You ask in disbelief, to which he stays silent. “Then I refuse to go. We are going to make this work, whether you believe you are strong enough for it or not.” You conclude.

Diluc looks at you, your eyes shining with determination and unshed tears. A testament to your own strenght. An announcement of his own weakness. How could he be Mondstat’s defender, working to uphold the foundation of his city if he could not work for you. The realization sunk into his stomach with a nauseating weight. He was chosing the easy way out. He was hurting you and himself because of fear.

“I am sorry.” He chokes out, pulling you into him, engulfing you in his warmth for a hug. “I really am not deserving of you.” He adds, his voice trembling as he buried his head into your neck.

“Just promise.” You wrap your arms around him “Promise you’ll try.”

He pulls away from you, his hands moving up to hold your cheeks, his eyes burning with new certainty, new determination. “I swear to you.” His thumbs move in circles against your skin, wiping away your tears that have started to fall. “I promise. I stake my life on this. On us.” And he brings his lips to yours to seal this commitment. The past was dark and seemed all-engulfing, but he would not let it overshadow this present with you.

Comment and reblogs are much appreciated :))

[greenhappyseed]

MHA 419 leak reactions (real ones this time!)

AFO yells at armless child Izuku in the mind palace. That tracks.

Attacking Tomura’s psychological scars allowed AFO to re-emerge. This also tracks. If heart is power, and a scarred, fractured, walled-off interior allows for AFO’s control, then yeah, Izuku cracking “Tomura’s” armor inadvertently allowed AFO to take over the mind palace.

Oh but AFO just has to get one last jab in against Tomura, so of course he monologues about how Tomura never made a decision for himself in his whole life. Which isn’t ENTIRELY true — AFO couldn’t control young Tenko’s desire to be a hero to Mikkun and Tomo-chan…and to the League of Villains.

We do learn that AFO encouraged Tenko’s conception so he could get his perfect successor, which is just so Enji Todoroki of him.

AFO was close enough to touch baby Tenko (!!!) because he stole candy a quirk from the baby. Then AFO waited years to make Kotaro think Tenko was quirkless before implanting Decay, which is itself engineered from a quirk that could both disintegrate AND reconstruct. Boy does THAT sound like a copy of Overhaul (who was an orphan that AFO was oddly familiar with and knew by name….)

We get both a hero name (Gaen) AND real name for En (Tayutai)! No idea what they mean — Google Translate and Jsho are giving inconsistent answers — but I’m excited to find out when official translations are released!

“Tomura Shigaraki” decays and Izuku is ejected from the mind palace. But AFO doesn’t get his brother back. He says Yoichi is gone. Ruh-roh! He also says Decay and the hatred are gone. And he hears a mysterious echo. Hmm, what could be echoing inside AFO’s mind???

Izuku, now in the real world, tries to stop AFO (who is piloting Shigaraki’s meat suit). But IZUKU DISCOVERS HIS ARMS ARE GONE???? I mean, it’s not shocking bc Horikoshi has hinted at it for forever, but inneresting that either (1) the mind palace and real world ARE entertwined; or (2) AFO took Izuku’s arms as soon as he emerged in the real world. I think it’s the former, which opens the door to some fun shenanigans. I.e., what can the heroes do in the mind palace to harm AFO?

AFO taunts Izuku and says that he “from the start had nothing” … EXCEPT FOR REAL FRIENDS THAT COME TO HIS RESCUE!!!! Sero holds back AFO, proving once again that AFO has a weakness for sticky things like tape and, uh, Mineta’s balls.

Ojiro and Sato are close behind, helping Sero hold off AFO. Of course, Izuku says, “You’re safe” because he doesn’t stop thinking of others even after he lost his actual arms. How did Sero, Ojiro, and Sato get to Mt Fuji so fast?

BECAUSE AIZAWA IS BAAAAAACK!!!

Clearly, something happened with him, Mic, and Kurogiri, and they’re able to use/control Warp Gate. I am hyped and ready for this flashback, please give the Rooftop Trio 2-3 good chapters.

ALSO. Am I the only one curious that Aizawa is in proximity to AFO, and AFO always wanted Erasure? Aizawa has fought multiple Nomu and the entire League at one time or another, but he’s never been near AFO. Then again, Aizawa can’t fight with Erasure himself, so perhaps AFO taking it can get Aizawa into the mind palace……

[iamnmbr3]

why do I have this mental image of harry finds malfoy in the bathroom in the septum sempra scene and

Harry: Malfoy, I know you're a Death Eater

Draco, sobbing: GOYLE DOESN'T LIKE ME BAAAAAACK

Harry: ... are you kidding me right now

Well now I'm imagining a crack AU in which Draco keeps his head despite the fact that Harry caught him 1) in the humiliating position of looking vulnerable and 2) saying some incredibly incriminating things and instead of lashing out in humiliated and fearful rage, he tries to play dumb but panics and lands on the absolute dumbest excuse possible and then has to go with it and pretend to be 1) clueless when Harry accuses him of being a Death Eater and 2) hopelessly pining for Goyle.

Draco: *fake crying* Harry: ...Isn't he your cousin? Draco: No of course not! That's Crabbe. No Malfoy or Black would ever marry a Crabbe since the scandal of 18- *suddenly remembers he's supposed to be fake crying and redoubles his efforts*

This of course then leads to shenanigans in which Draco has to try to convince Goyle (who is already very fed up by that point) to go along with their fake not-dating scheme while Harry is absolutely seething because 1) obviously Draco is lying and 2) being extremely jealous of Goyle just in case it IS true while absolutely refusing to admit that's what's going on.

[readychilledwine]

idk what sort of crack you put in cat and mouse but i’ve read it 5 times now, please tell me there’s more i’m literally so desperate🧎‍♀️ like the way reader was laughing when devlon screamed or the way she said down boy to azriel???? i kinda want y/n ngl👀 ugh i need to see rhys helping her rewire her mind or her accepting the mating bond w az plssss🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

I only purchase the best Crack for my followers 💙

Paradise Lost - Cat and Mouse Prequel Part 1

But part two in the Starwars release sense. Like a prequel.

Summary - After being hired to take out The Night Court's dangerous spymaster, y/n finds herself trapped between a rock and hard place.

Warnings - mentions of rape allegations, attempted murder, mentions of murder, time jumps to try to prevent this from being 4 billion parts, mind control

A/n - sheeeees baaaaaack 💜 the prequel is going to end up being multiple parts. I do not like having my stuff end up over 4k words, I feel like reading that can be difficult, and with modern technology, distractions happen and you accidentally exit and lose your place and you're le sad. If you all disagree and would be interested in a 6-7k part, let me know 💙 p.s. these parts are going to fulfill several anonymous asks, so each one will be under a different ask

Word count - 3511 (not including time jump stamps)

Cat and Mouse Part 2

High profile targets had never scared you.

 

You'd been watching him for several weeks now. Memorizing every step, every habit, what he ate and drank. 

You knew you had one shot at this mission. One singular shot. If you failed, if he got away, you were as good as dead.

Your first lesson when you were trained on the different courts of Pryithian was do not fuck with the Night Court. Missions involving them were in and out while kept clean and untraceable. Their High Lord would find you if you left that opening, and you'd never be seen or heard from again.

The first lesson you had learned on the street was not to mess with the Shadowsinger. The reason the High Lord would find you. The reason you were currently strolling Velaris under the mask of some young fae female one of your, for a lack of a better term, co workers had killed. She had no family, no friends, just a simple life on the poor outskirts of town. She sold her body for food and money. Which was how she ended up in his talons. How all the faces you wore ended up in his talons actually. 

Taking out Azriel was not going to be an easy task, but you had discovered one weakness: 

The male loved a beautiful face. Even more so when he thought she was defenseless.

You also noticed he had a type. Blondes with doe eyes. You could not fake the blonde hair or big lost brown eyes without magic. But a defenseless female in need of rescue was easy, especially since the same co-workers who were more than happy to disguise you would be more than happy to attempt to kill you. 

So you scheduled it. Letting your keeper know what you needed and when. Letting him know specifically non lethal shots on the shadowsinger with faebane would let you have an easier chance at taking him out somewhere privately.

Azriel, despite his intelligence, had fallen for it. And now he sat strapped to a chair in a ran down cabin in the woods with you watching him. You should have ended it instantly, but per the client's request, you were asked for three things, a confession of his crime, one of his hands to prove he was dead, and the pretty dagger you were translating the wyrdmarks off of.

"I know you're awake," you purred to him finishing another character. "You won't be able to contact him. Shackles, little pup."

He scoffed before lightly chuckling. "If you knew I was awake, why are we just sitting here?"

You shrugged. "I was hoping you'd start the conversation first. Or explain to me how you have a Cauldron made weapon in your possession."

"You took me hostage, I believe you should be explaining to me." 

You looked at him, pursing your lips slightly and nodding. "Not much to explain, little pup. I'm getting paid to kill you. Why is interesting, though." You paused, setting the dagger on the table and grabbing the parchment before sitting on the ground cross legged in front of him. He was almost appalled by the action. It was a backhanded way of you saying you very clearly did not see him as a threat.

"Does Princess Alyana of Rusk ring any bells for you?" 

His lip twitched, eyes sparkling with mischief briefly. "Perhaps."

You just nodded. "Can I ask what exactly the thought process behind raping a princess is? Did you think the King wouldn't ask for your head on a pike?"

Azriel looked at you in shock, hazel eyes wide, and jaw slightly opened, "I did not rape her."

You looked at the weathered parchment again, reading the soft swirling letters of the King. Letters beautified by years of practice you'd never be able to have. "According to her story of the night you were caught in her room, you had came in the window, raped her, and only left before killing her because the guards were coming." You bend the parchment keeping all other lines and information secret and showed him. 

His jaw twitched and anger was set in. "I did not harm or rape her. She invited me to her chambers and into her bed. I would never harm a female."

"A lie," you said softly. "I've watched you drag several into the prison and leave covered in blood. Their blood."

"They were spies and traitors."

"I didn't realize an occupation changed your gender. Do your little shadow wraiths know you believe they are not females? How about sweet Morrigan? She is technically a traitor to the Court of Nightmares. Do you believe she isn't female as well?" You rose a brow in challenge. 

Slow realization hit Azriel's face causing you to smile at him. "If you laid a fucking hand on-"

"Relax, pretty boy. I'm only here for you." You stood patting his head, "your special day." 

"What group are you with?" 

You smirked under the mask you were wearing but kept the outside face neutral. "Does it matter?"

"What is your name?"

"No one. I am no one." You answered automatically.

"So the House of the Faceless from the Silent Isles. What happened to the girl you probably murdered?"

"I didn't kill her. Unlike you, I actually do not harm women or females. Do you have a preference on how you die? Poison, stabbing, burning to death?" You looked at his hands. "Probably not that one, huh? Drowning! Polar opposite." He balked at your excitement. "I thought it was a fun option," you crossed your arms. "Been awhile since I water boarded someone."

Azriel shook his head, laughing. "So you won't even give me an honorable death?"

"I'm not fucking stupid enough to fight a Carynthian hand on hand nor with weapons." You could have sworn you saw him smirk. "I'm also not stupid enough to think taking away these," you held up one of his siphons, "means I'm safe if I let you out of those shackles."

Azriel had not even noticed his siphons were gone and he looked down. "How did you know how to remove those?" 

Your brain flashed to a nightmare, one of winged male standing over you. One of pain before you were tossed to your keeper. "Lucky guess," your voice was distant. 

He huffed. "You're illyrian." It wasn't a question, but a statement. "That's why your scent is off. A high fae would not carry the scent we do." 

You felt your world building pressure and rubbed your temples. "Look, this has been fun, but I'm over it." You grabbed the bloodbane you had purchased soaking it on one of your own daggers. 

"If you're going to kill me, at least do me the kindness of getting to see who is actually killing me." You sighed heavily. "Can I give you a word of advice as well? Shackles only work when you aren't dealing with someone who can pick a lock. You also talk way too much."

You had anticipated this, truthfully. You caught his wrist as he went to swing on you and leg swept him to the ground. "The shackles you were in were coated in faebane and bloodbane, torture Master." You straddled his hips as he held his chest to catch his breath. "My hands were also covered in it so you just welcomed it right back into your bloodstream." 

"Go fuck yourself."

"I do nightly," you did something Azriel wasn't expecting then, lifting the skin of the mask off of your face and throwing it to the fire to cancel the magic it also held on your body.

He was right. You were illyrian. An absolutely beautiful illyrian. Long dark hair falling into loose curls, long dark lashes, tan skin, spell binding hazel eyes. "Definitely Illyrian," he coughed out. "At least I'm going to die looking at something beautiful." He had you at the comment. You stilled completely hand barely wrapped around the dagger. "Has no one ever told you that you were beautiful?" He watched you blink, eyes glazing over and shutting as if he had called a painful memory forward. "Can I know your name?"

"No one," you whispered again. "I am no one." You finally looked at him, and you both felt it. You both felt that painful snap. A snap that now shattered your world. You were about to kill your mate. The one thing you'd always hoped would rescue you from the loneliness of your lifestyle. You dropped the dagger, feeling as if someone had just split your world in two. 

"You don't have to do this," he cooed softly to you. "You don't have to kill me. We can talk about this. I can help you. Take you somewhere safe." You stared at him ad he tentatively stepped towards you, hands grabbing your upper arms. "I won't hurt you. No one is ever going to hurt you again."

You knew he meant it. You handed him a vial, the only antidote you had, and then the free faebaned shackles you had also hidden. Turned so he could shackle you behind your back. 

He was so gentle as he did, kissing the back of your head. "You're going to be safe, little hellcat. I promise." 

You heard and smelled them before you saw them. "Well what happened here, Az?" A playful male voice asked. You heard the parchment on the desk moving and closed your eyes as the scent of citrus and sea moved closer to you.

"Hmm. A no one. Who'd you piss off, Azriel?"

"King of Rusk," the playful voice was no longer playful. "The assassin known by the name Eden was specifically requested." It quoted the letter reading the rest of it slowly. "She must be Eden."

You felt the male in front of you trying to rummage through your mind, and looked up at him. His eyes were filled with sympathy and heartache. "You poor creature. I am so sorry, darling." He looked at Azriel. "Put her in one of the nicer cells at the prison until we can trust her." His hand went up as Azriel, as your mate's breath hitched. "She was sent here to kill you, Az. Regardless of the bond, she is dangerous. Ensure she is given real food, she hasn't ate since she came to Velaris almost a week ago. I'm going to need her in better health to untangle the mess they have her in." 

2 weeks later

Rhys sat on the chair across from the small bed he had allowed to be brought into your cell. Watching as you pulled your legs up and hid your face in your knees.

"You should have a camp brand. It would have been done when you were a babe since you are female. Do you have any odd scars?" His voice was always gentle with you. 

"I can't remember," you answered honestly. You hardly remembered Illyria. Hardly remembered you were even Illyrian or what that even meant. "I remember when I was taken to the school-"

"When you were sold like a pig for slaughter to sell swords, darling." He interrupted. "You weren't taken to a school. You were taken to a temple that purchases children they believe have potential to become assassins if they can wipe their memories and humanity well enough. They unfortunately succeeded with you. Every memory you have is locked in a box in your mind."

"They used food," you whispered softly. "If I asked about something, my first punishment was food. First a week, then two. After that it was poisoning."

"Which is why you can touch fae and blood banes." You could sense the pain in his voice. "Are you comfortable taking the dress off for me? I want to see if I can find your brand." You complied, standing slowly to lift the soft cotton dress Azriel had given you off your frame. 

Rhys stood and walked around you in a circle, hand pausing as it grazed over a scar on the side of your hip. "They cut it out of you." You watched him from the mirror as he proceeded to your back, breath hitching and his eyes closing. "Were your wings removed by them or before?" Rhysand watched as your eyes glazed over, as your mind heard a male screaming at you. As your mind heard what he could only assume were your terrified screams from childhood. "Before." His voice cracked. "I know who did, though."

That night in Windhaven, Rhys slammed Devlon's face into the desk. "Who is she?" He forced her to stare at the drawing one of the twins had done of you. "I've heard you screaming at her in her memories. Who the fuck is she?"

Devlon shook his head. "I had nothing to do with what happened to her."

"That's not what I'm asking." Rhys was growling. "Tell me willingly or Azriel will carve it out of you." Rhys held his mind, pulling at it slightly until the male screamed an answer.

"She a bastard of my oldest son." Devlon answered. "He thought getting rid of her would make his and that whore he was laying with lives easier. They sold her. I didn't know."

Azriel growled and lunged. "Her name. What's her name?"

"Y/n," Devlon panted. "Y/n."

1 month later

Countless days were spent with Rhysand in your mind, unwinding memories like a spool of yarn in the paws of a kitten. He had taken mercy on you today after a brutal session that ended with you collapsing into Azriel's arms.

Azriel sat across from you, eating the soup he had brought to share with you. "Rhys might let me move you to the House of Wind," he spoke between spoons. "You'd be warded to a room there between myself and Cassian, but you'd at least have a window and a view." You felt his heart pinch when you looked at him. 

His eyes filled with sadness, with longing, with sympathy. "I know it isn't much. But it's better than here." You nodded, pushing the soup away. "Are you not hungry?"

"I don't like leaks," you responded gently. 

Azriel laughed softly. "I've never heard an illyrian complain about food before. I can have Rhys bring you something else tonight. Is there anything specific you want?"

You were in no position to ask for anything special. Especially not what your mind was trapped on. But you didn't realize Azriel sensed it through the bond and had immediately asked Rhys to go to the bakery you had walked by and almost went into every day. "You aren't our prisoner, little hellcat." Azriel put his bowl down and moved to kneel in front of you. "You are my mate, and I know it feels like an empty promise, but I promise you that once Rhys believes your mind is safe and secure, you will have more freedoms. You're here because we do not know the extent you were controlled at. Surely you know what other organizations do to their assassins?"

You did. Your body shivered at the thought of the spiders they used to turn the fae who worked for them into nothing more than a mindless shell. "Winter has this tea," you started slowly. "I don't remember what it is. But it's sweet but spicy?" Azriel rose a brow. "Not like my mouth is on fire spicy, but.. like… tooth paste?"

He smiled. "I have that at home. I will bring some to you tomorrow." He leaned forward to kiss your forehead and then rested his forehead against yours. "You are so brave, y/n." 

He watched as your eyes glazed over. As your mouth slightly parted and your body stilled.

You were trapped in a memory. A memory of another little male, his wings held high and proud on his back as you two ran and played. He was wearing rags, covered in dirt. You knew this memory, you had dreams about it. "Wait for me!" You heard yourself giggle. "Cassian, wait for me. Why do you run so fast?"

"Because, y/n, I gotta be fast if I'm going to be better than everyone else here some day!"

That bright smile, that playful voice. Rhys was dead silent in the corner, sharing the memory with Azriel. "Az, go get him." 

Rhys sat with you as Cassian entered the cell. He watched as Rhys cradled you to him. "Cassian, can you sit down please?"

The general nodded, continuing to watch. His eyes glazed over as Rhys showed him the memory and the countless others that followed. 

Cassian's voice was choked. "I thought she had died. Her dad came screaming one day his daughter had been taken. Her wings were… they were pinned to his cabin door, Rhys." Cassian felt sick thinking back to his childhood crush's wings hanging limply by the membranes, blood soaking the wood porch and steps. "It Was a few weeks before you came."

"Do you know if they branded her on her hip, Cassian?" The male nodded immediately. 

"You two should talk for a little bit," Rhys cupped your face delicately. "I have to go pick up those cookies you've been thinking about. I will be back in a few hours. If another memory comes, scream for me in your mind." 

Cassian tooks his place, his hands also coming to cup your cheeks. "You are so beautiful. You know that?"

All three of them made it a point to tell you that now. Surely if three attractive males thought you were beautiful, that had to be true.

A couple weeks later

Rhys was in your mind again, digging and digging while you cried. It was painful. So fucking painful. It felt as though you were being pulled into half by two horses. 

Like someone was cutting you limb by limb.

You hated these sessions. Where you had to sit there, gripping the sheets so hard your knuckles had gone white, holding in screams and whimpers, and crying. 

"Found it," Rhys smirked. "It's a spell. A damn good one, but still just a spell. Meaning it can be broken." He was still in the jungle he had begun to call your mind, stopping at another memory. "I was wondering who killed him. A shame, really. I would have paid to watch that in person. Many of us would have."

Rhys wrote down the name of a former hybern General you had slaughtered and hung. He had started keeping track. Every king, queen, general, or fae you killed sat in a pretty notebook. 600 names. 

600 names lined those pages like a bloodstain in white clothing.

You validated it to yourself. Cruel kings. Corrupt queens. Predators. You were only ever assigned to the worst cases, being too skilled to be wasted on petty killings.

"Stop." Rhys ordered softly. "Do not focus on what you have done. Focus on how we move forward, darling. We have a home Azriel and Cassian like to stay in. I'd like to move you there."

Azriel held you close as he walked you into your new room at the House of Wind. "Cassian is directly across the hall, I am right next to you." You nodded, arms crossing over your chest as you took in the room. Guilt sat deep in your stomach. How much had they spent to decorate it? To furnish it? 

You took in the gold hues swirled in with blacks and greys. The wooden desk with hand carved swirls and edges. The couch and chairs. Your eyes locked in on the bed though. A real, plush, 4 poster bed. It would easily fit you and Azriel if you ever desired. Rhys appeared behind you two, his heart tightening at the sentence he knew was about to come out. A sentence all too familiar to him. 

"I've never had one." 

Azriel looked at you, "A room to yourself?"

You shook your head. "No. A real bed. We were not even allowed to sleep on beds during missions. Only blankets." He watched you walk to the bed, gently squishing a beaded throw pillow in your hands. 

"Darling," Rhysand said softly. "I have a friend who believes he can break the spell in your mind. He is concerned about potential consequences, though."

You were too lost and the luxury of the fabric to respond. The silk sheets covering the bed were the softest thing you'd ever felt. Rhysand and Azriel did not say anything, nodding to each other to leave the room with a gentle click behind them.

You pulled the blanket back further on the sheets, and curled yourself into the mattress. 

Your eyes began to flutter shut frequently, mind stilling as you felt a wave of comfort and protection come your way. Soon, the light of the room faded, and you walked into a dreamers pathway of sleep. 

Helion had come to the House of Wind that night. Flown there blindfolded by Cassian. He stood in Rhysand's office, a deep red wine in one hand as he crossed his arms over his pecs. "So she's at least 300 years old and has been held under a mind control spell for the majority of that time?"

The three illyrian males nodded in response. "Breaking it could kill her if it's done in one shot. Unraveling it, though, releasing her piece by piece may be safest." 

Azriel looked down. "How long would that take?"

"Years," Rhysand answered. "Her mind has to heal enough with each break or else her humanity and morals flooding her all at once can have consequences if it doesn't just shatter her mind." 

Helion nodded. "Our mind is a delicate place. Having it tampered with that long is dangerous. For us and her. I would need to see it and feel it to fully determine how safe it is."

Azriel nodded. "I'll go get her."

His footsteps felt heavy and defeated as he moved through the House of Wind. He paused at your door, lost in thought, but shook off his doubt as he knocked.

If anyone would be able to help you, it would be Rhysand and Helion.

[andrewmoocow]

Fooly Falls: A FLCL Christmas in Gravity Falls (originally published on December 20, 2023)

Author's Note: Guess who's BAAAAAACK! Yeah, it's not just me that's back, but the recent releases of FLCL Grunge and Shoegaze have begun reigniting my interest in Fooly Falls so much, that I'm doing a Christmas special before we move onto Rick and Haruko! As you might've heard on my Tumblr, this special was born out of watching Dragon Ball Z Abridged's Christmas Tree of Might and Plan to Eradicate Christmas specials, in like late September to early October. Come on, if people can get away with putting up Christmas decorations as soon as Halloween ends, then I can too. Anyways, I originally intended for this to be a funny throwaway line in a future Fooly Falls story, but it grew a life of its own and I just thought that with Steven Universe: Alternate Future finally done; I can focus more on other stories at last. Particularly those that I've left hanging for years on end. Anyways, let's get cracking!

--

In a picturesque winter cabin with halls decked for the Christmas season, an elderly gentleman was sitting by the fireplace's glow dressed in a smoking jacket and a Santa hat as he turned to notice the readers. "Oh, hello there. Wasn't expecting guests at this time." He gave a warm laugh as he got up from his chair and walked past the Christmas tree in his living room towards a bookcase against the wall. "Now, Christmas is a magical time of year that brings everybody together, from friends and family to even perfect strangers."

Scrolling through the bookcase, the man eventually pulled out a book with the letters "FLCL" on the cover. "As such, there are many tales about what a wonderful time of year this is, from the night that changed a miser's life forever to a man who has given everything for his friends being shown a world where he was never born, a jolly elf leaving the North Pole in search of his father, or a mall Santa who believes he's the real deal. But this story is quite different from all the others, I say."

Sitting in his chair, the man opened his book and began reading. "Twas the day before Christmas and all through Gravity Falls, the Pines family was stirring with excitement for Santa Claus. Young Gwen, Tyrone, and Arnold were walking through the forest searching for a tree that would make everyone feel joyous." Before the narrator could rhyme anymore, he heard something break down his door, followed by the skidding of tire wheels. "What in blazes?!"

"ALRIGHT, CHRISTMAS LUUUUUUNCHTIIIIIME!" a young woman wearing a sexy Santa dress riding a Vespa scooter yelled as she jumped into the air and beat the old man senseless with a Rickenbacker bass guitar. "Move aside, you old fart; I'm telling this story!"

"Who are you?! How did you find my house?!" the old man yelled before Haruko Haruhara coldly grabbed him by the wrist and launched him into the fireplace. "AAAAGGGGHHH, I'M ON FIRE, I'M ON FIRE!" he screamed as he scrambled around the room covered in fire, lighting the rest of the house ablaze in the process. "SOMEONE PUT ME OUT!"

"Just go outside; it's snowing out! Sheesh!" Haruko complained before sitting in the old man's chair and picking up his book while the man burst through the wall and ran into the snowy wilderness. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah!" she beamed before looking at the readers. "Strap in, nerds! I'm gonna tell you the story of how Jinyu and I helped the Pines family save Christmas!" Haruko opened the book and began to read, blissfully nonchalant to the house burning down around her. "We begin on Christmas Eve 2032 in Gravity Falls, Oregon…."

--

Fooly Falls: A FLCL Christmas in Gravity Falls

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It was a cold and snowy afternoon in Gravity Falls. As Christmas was fast approaching, naturally, everyone was getting hooked on that holiday feeling as decorations were hung up, presents were wrapped, carols were sung, and kids eagerly awaited the arrival of Old Saint Nick. But for three kids in particular, this afternoon, they were sent on a mission to find a perfect Christmas tree to bring home for the holidays.

"Come on, Gwen, I wanna see the trees!" Deep in the snow-covered forest of Gravity Falls, Gwen Pines, her younger brother Tyrone, and their cousin Arnold ventured through the white-colored woods in search of a Christmas tree. Gwen, wearing a pink winter coat and a blue pine tree cap on her head, much like what her famous father once wore at her age, had her nose stuck in a navy-colored book with a silver pine tree symbol on it. Tyrone was busy bouncing up and down in his snowpants and sweater courtesy of his aunt Mabel, and Arnold was quaking in his designer orange parka and boots while nervously looking around for trouble.

"We should be getting closer any second now." Gwen said while taking a break from the journal to check whether they were getting closer. "Arnold, anything you see?"

"Nothing but trees and snow for miles, Gwen." Arnold stuttered, both from the cold and from his anxiety. "And none of them are the tree we want! We should just turn back now and go to the tree lot. I'm sure Wendy can call in a favor from her cousin."

"No way, Arnay, they say the perfect Christmas tree has to be around here somewhere." Tyrone said to his socially awkward cousin. "Legend has it that whoever finds it will be blessed with the most amazing Christmas ever for the rest of their lives! Doesn't that sound exciting?!"

"Yeah, but the journal also says that tree demons are lurking around here." Arnold pointed out by taking the journal from Gwen's hands and showing a page on tree-like monsters to Tyrone. "And if we somehow make them mad, they'll make us pay with our lives!"

"Calm down, Arnold; the tree demons won't try to kill us or whatever," Gwen said, taking her journal back and tucking it in her coat. "Now come on, boys, we don't have all day." As she turned to continue her search, the two boys took a moment to talk.

"Even five months after you-know-who crashed our summer and we saved the world, it still feels weird seeing Gwen not be perpetually emotionally distant from us." Arnold commented on his cousin's growth in confidence since the eventful summer they had earlier that year.

For most of the trio's childhood, Gwen wore a mysterious knit cap she found as a seven-year-old girl that suppressed her emotions, forcing her to become emotionally withdrawn from her family and friends as she quietly became paranoid about what the future held for everyone. Now, after a mysterious frenemy from Gwen's father's past helped her overcome that paranoia, Gwen had quickly grown back into a bright, gentle, and self-confident young lady like she once was as a child, and her family couldn't be happier even if it came at a significant cost.

"I like the new Gwen!" Tyrone exclaimed cheerfully. "Though I guess she's technically the old Gwen now back for round two, I guess. You still wrapping your head around that?"

"Come on, boys!" Gwen called for the duo as she got further away. "We're getting closer to the trees!"

"Oh my goodness, coming Gwen!" Arnold stuttered as he tried to race after Gwen through the thick layer of snow surrounding them until he accidentally fell face down into the snow. "Uh, little help here?"

"Don't worry, Arnold!" Tyrone yelled as he grabbed Arnold by the hips and hoisted him up. "Lumberjack genes, activate!" he declared while carrying his cousin over his shoulders. "Gonna have to thank Leia later for taking me to the gym with her."

When the three kids got deeper into the forest, they eventually found an entire grove filled with mighty pines towering over them. This had to have been the place where they could find the perfect Christmas tree, but now all they had to do was find the right one to bring home. The trees around them were big and small, short and tall, with earthly colors brightening up the pure white forest around them.

"So if the trees are this perfect, I'm going to assume there's a catch." Arnold commented as Tyrone planted him back on the ground.

"What kind of catch?" Tyrone asked before looking around for the tree they wanted to bring back with them. "Surely it can't be anything too serious like, 'if you pick the wrong tree, you will become a tree,' right?"

"Says here that if you hurt any of the trees, you will be punished for it," Gwen said, once again looking through the journals. "I'm going to assume they mean if you do anything other than chop a tree down."

"Hopefully, the punishment won't be too severe," Tyrone said. "I don't want to be turned into a tree! Then how am I going to unwrap my presents tomorrow?"

"Guys, over there!" Arnold yelled while pointing to a small, pathetic-looking tree with crooked branches and pine needles that fell off easily. "Man, should this even count as a tree? Looks more like an upright stick to me."

"Ah, come on, Arnie, it's not so bad." Tyrone replied optimistically while pulling a red ornament from his pocket and shining it against his coat. "This little green one here seems to need a home."

"Hm, I don't know, Ty." Gwen said, tilting her head as she contemplated the little tree. "Arnold's right. I'm not sure if this can even count as a tree."

"Don't look so down, guys; I don't think it's such a bad little tree." Tyrone disagreed before hanging the ornament on the tiny tree. "Maybe it just needs a little love." Suddenly, as if to prove Tyrone wrong, the tree bent over from the added weight of the ornament, much to the three kids' shock. "Oops. Good grief."

"We killed it!" Arnold yelled in despair. "AUGH! Now, what are we going to do?!" Suddenly, the earth beneath the Pines children began to shake, and the trees started rustling in an unsettling manner. "Oh no, that better not be what I think it is!"

"Stay behind me, boys; we might have tree demons coming for us!" Gwen declared as she pulled out an axe to defend her brother and cousin. Suddenly, a pair of wooden arms burst from the ground beneath the tiny tree, causing the three to turn around and discover the tree they thought they killed was merely resting on top of the head of a humanoid tree-like golem glaring at them with disgust before he took Tyrone's ornament off his head and crushed it in his hand.

"You three have chosen poorly." The tree monster boomed, his voice reverberating throughout the forest as an army of trees with scary faces carved into them surrounded the kids. "And now, your souls shall become one with my tree demon brethren, as have all the mortal fools who tampered with my trees!"

"I knew it; we're gonna get turned into trees!" Tyrone said brightly before he realized what he just said. "Oh no, we're gonna get turned into trees! Everybody cheese it!" Grabbing Arnold by the wrist, Tyrone immediately ran for the Mystery Shack while Arnold screamed as loud as he could at the tree demons pursuing the trio.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, UNCLE DIPPER! HELP US!" Arnold wailed in horror while the tree demons marched ever closer to the kids.

"You shall pay for disturbing my slumber, humans!" the king of the tree demons roared as his tree stump feet stomped loudly toward the kids. "And now, we shall devour your souls!"

"Guys, I can see the Mystery Shack!" Gwen exclaimed as she saw the tourist trap once run by her late Great-Grunkle Stan in the distance. "Just need to get a little closer!"

"Your fate has been sealed!" the tree king roared before he suddenly got an arrow to the knee. "WHO DARE STRIKE ME?!"

"Hey, King Oakthur! Stay away from my kids!" Gwen and Tyrone's mom, Wendy Corduroy-Pines, said after firing an arrow from her crossbow at the tree golem. "Dipper, Mabel, Stan, now!"

"On it!" Wendy's husband and the siblings' father, Mason, better known to everyone as Dipper, replied as husband and wife worked together to fight off the tree demons while Dipper's sister Mabel and the ghost of their Grunkle Stan protected the kids from harm.

"Hey, Ghost Grunkle in the house!" Stan declared before passing through a tree demon and giving the monster a nonexistent wedgie. "Can't catch me!"

"Grappling hook!" Mabel yelled as she tied two tree demons together with the rope of her grappling hook. "Hey, you two would make a cute couple. Want I should grab a mistletoe?" One of the tree demons gave the other a look, causing the second to blush.

"Whoo, go, Mom and Dad!" Tyrone cheered for his parents while Arnold was about to scream from the harrowing experience he had just had.

"It's okay, Arnold, just breathe into my hat." Gwen tried to calm her brother down and offered her hat as a makeshift bag to hyperventilate into. Instead, Arnold decided to scream as loud as he could. "Well, that's one way of doing it."

Meanwhile, Dipper and Wendy were locked in fierce mortal combat against King Oakthur for the fate of their children. "Seriously, man, it's Christmas! Do we have to do this every year?" Dipper asked the king of the tree demons. "Just let our family go so they can spend the holidays together without having their souls drained and shoved into your tree monsters."

"Either leave my fam alone, or you'll have another thing coming," Wendy replied menacingly while brandishing her axe. "My dad's a manly lumberjack, and you don't want to piss him off."

"Wait, you are the scion of Daniel Corduroy?!" King Oakthur gasped before taking a knee in recognition of Wendy. "My apologies, young lady. I didn't realize he had grandchildren. My men and I shall make ourselves scarce posthaste."

"Aw man, but I really wanted to eat someone's soul!" one of the tree demons groaned in disappointment. "What was the point of even chasing those kids anyways?!"

"Enough whining. Let us return to our sanctuary." King Oakthur declared as he prepared to leave, only to notice Mabel turning the two tree demons she tied up together into a couple. "And you two, less kissing and more leaving!"

"Well, that went easier than I expected." Arnold sighed in relief as the older Pines congratulated each other on a job well done. "But we still don't have a Christmas tree to put up in the Mystery Shack."

"Don't worry, Arnold, we got a fun adventure out of it!" Mabel replied cheerfully before presenting her hands, now covered in splinters. "Check it out; I'm all covered in splinters!"

"Can someone get the first aid kit?!" Dipper cried for help, trying not to move too much as he and Wendy were also covered in splinters.

--

"Ow!" Dipper yelped in pain as his enemy turned girlfriend turned sister-in-law Pacifica Pines gently removed each splinter from his body with a pair of tweezers in the Shack's living room. "Could you be a little gentler, please?"

"I'm going as gently as I can!" Pacifica complained while listening to Dipper cry out a few more times. "Dammit, Dipper, I'm a child psychologist, not a doctor!"

"Aren't psychologists a kind of doctor?" Wendy asked while removing the splinters herself. Unlike Dipper, she didn't show that much pain in doing so, given her experience with chopping down wood. Mabel, on the other hand, tried rearranging her splinters to make funny pictures.

"That's not my point!" Pacifica sighed, removing her glasses to rub the lenses before removing the splinters from her wife. "How are the kids doing?"

"They're fine, just bummed out they couldn't find a tree," Mabel replied before presenting her left arm. "Check it out! Now my splinters say 'BEWARE'!"

"That says 'BEWARB,'" Dipper observed Mabel's rearranged splinters before turning away from the girls. "Hey, Ford, how's babysitting going?"

"It's going splendidly, Dipper! Junior loves my stories and is a good listener, too!" Grunkle Stanford Pines exclaimed in delight while bouncing his five-month-old surrogate grandson Stan Jr. Ramirez on his knee. The baby wore the fez once worn by Ford's deceased brother on his head, marking him as a possible successor to his father Soos's position as owner of the Mystery Shack. "Now then, would you like to hear about my encounter with the Control Devil next, or maybe my battle with that dastardly Davros and his Daleks?!"

"Santa." Stan Jr. babbled while slightly drooling on Ford's pant leg.

"I know you're just as excited for Santa as we are, little one," Ford replied. "but if you promise to be a good and patient young man, then he'll bring you many presents tomorrow!" Just then, the old man and the baby heard some loud stomping followed by a jolly "HO HO HO, DUDES!" making Junior's eyes widen in delight. "Oh my, it seems Mr. Claus has come early to meet you, kiddo!"

"Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, dudes and dudettes!" Soos declared as he stomped into the living room dressed as the equally big and jolly spirit of Christmas, bringing joy to everyone in the room. Unfortunately, the mood was quickly killed as Soos made one wrong move and fell down the steps onto the carpet. "Ow."

"Dada Santa?" Junior asked as Soos got up and brushed off his Santa suit.

"No, Junior, that is simply our father dressed as Saint Nicholas to entertain us." Imelda, who was sitting down with her little sister Abby at the TV to watch a Christmas special together, observed.

"We blew it, Soos," Ford grumbled. "Our little stunt is ruined." Fortunately, Junior began laughing and clapping his tiny, chubby hands together in delight at Soos's accident. "Okay, maybe it wasn't so bad after all."

"Daw, he's just so tiny and cute!" Stan cooed with adoration at Junior. "You made a good choice naming him after me, Soos."

"Looks like this little dude is excited for his first Christmas!" Soos declared as he got up to pick up his son while his wife Melody entered the room. "Who's a merry little dude? Who's my merry little dude?" he asked Junior in a babylike voice while bouncing his infant son up and down. "It's you! It's you!"

"My my, who would've guessed Santa was so handsome in person?" Melody said flirtatiously before bringing Soos in for a kiss. "How about tonight, when the kids are snug in their beds with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, you and I rest our brains for a little winter's nap?"

"Oh, Simone!" Soos giggled with a blush just as they heard the door open, followed by their four oldest children, Ian, Leia, Juan, and Jorge Ramirez, along with Canti the Medical Machine, entering the living room with groceries.

"We're back from the grocery store!" Ian exclaimed while setting down a big frozen turkey on the table. "We tried to find as much food as possible before the last-minute shoppers took everything. You would not believe how many mashed potatoes they took!"

"And check it out. We even snatched up some figgy pudding!" Leia bragged as she presented a massive can of industrial figgy pudding. "We're gonna get so sick!"

"And we snuck in some last-minute gift shopping too." Jorge revealed a beautiful golden meat necklace that he gave to Melody. "For you, mother."

"Oh, that's so nice!" Melody gasped at the gesture.

"And I got this bad boy for Aiko!" Juan proudly stated while revealing a sunhat he bought for his girlfriend. "It was half-off too! What a steal!" His joy was interrupted when he realized something. "I sense a disturbance in the holiday spirit. Where's the Christmas tree?"

"Tree demons." Dipper said while Pacifica continued plucking out splinters. "Gwen, Tyrone, and Arnold pissed off the king of the tree demons, and we had to get them the hell out of dodge."

"Again?!" Juan exclaimed. "I swear, every year, we find a way to piss those guys off! We should find some other place to get our Christmas trees next year. That reminds me, where are they now?"

"The kids are playing in the snow outside," Wendy replied as she finished the last splinters, causing her arm to start bleeding. "Anyone got a lot of bandages I can use?"

--

Outside the Mystery Shack, Gwen sat on the front steps of the porch while watching Tyrone build a snowman and Arnold make snow angels on the ground. For six years of her life, Gwen had barely felt anything because she was afraid to be her true self, thanks to that old hat she found one day. But now, five months after finally accepting her insecurities and abandoning that hat, Gwen felt so many emotions all at once. Joy, sadness, anger, disgust, fear, and other assorted feelings all felt so new to her, yet at the same time, it was like welcoming an old friend you hadn't seen in years.

"Hey, Gwen, check this out!" Tyrone snapped his sister out of her daze before standing behind the snowman he built and doing his best Jackie Vernon voice. "Happy birthday!"

"Hehe, not bad, Tyrone." Gwen let out a cute giggle at Tyrone's snowman trick before returning her gaze to the gray sky above Gravity Falls. "Tyrone, have you ever felt that one day, you could lose everyone you love, including yourself, but then you discover that you don't have anything to worry about because the future is never set in stone?"

"Are you still thinking about the summer?" Tyrone asked. "Look, Gwen, summer's over. Your old hat is gone, and you can feel like a normal human being again. No need to keep persever-whatever on the past! Which is pretty ironic considering how afraid you were of the future." While Tyrone was talking, he secretly created a snowball behind his back. "That reminds me, THINK FAST!"

Before Gwen could ask why, she got a snowball to the face from her little brother, who quickly scampered off while his big sister smirked and created her own snowball to throw at him.

"Hey guys, what were you just talking about?" Arnold asked as he got up from making snow angels, only to be hit by Gwen's snowball. "Whoa, so cold!"

"Hey, Arnie, back me up here!" Tyrone exclaimed as he gathered an armful of snowballs and let his nervous cousin pick one from his bundle. "It's two against one, Gwen, what are you gonna do?!"

"Pretty big talk coming from someone within throwing distance of two snowballs." Gwen confidently said and threw her snowballs at the boys, causing the three of them to laugh joyously as their snowball fight raged on.

"Ah, this is just what I needed. A perfectly calm, normal Christmas." Arnold sighed while continuing to throw snowballs at Gwen. "Well, as normal as it can get in Gravity Falls, anyways. Absolutely nothing can go wrong today!"

As if fate was knocking on Arnold's door to remind him that nothing ordinary ever happened in Gravity Falls, the rev of a Vespa scooter could be heard in the distance, catching the children's attention as they turned in the direction of the sound. "Hey, do you smell gasoline and sheer insanity?" Tyrone muttered in surprise as a certain Vespa Woman approached the trio.

"Oh no, not again!" Arnold yelled in surprise as Haruko Haruhara began getting closer to the Pines children on her Vespa scooter, with Julia Jinyu following close behind in her Chevrolet Bel Air.

"ALRIGHT, CHRISTMAS LUUUUUUNCHTIIIIIME!" Haruko screamed as she reintroduced herself to Gwen by crashing straight into the girl and sending her flying into a snowdrift, just like how she revealed herself to Dipper and Mabel twenty years ago.

"Yo Gwen, you alright?!" Tyrone called for his big sister as Haruko and Jinyu alighted from their vehicles.

"KUROSAKI-KUN!" a dazed Gwen yelled out a non-sequitur as she woozily got out of the snow while Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Ford raced outside to see what all the commotion was about.

"What in the Star of Bethlehem is going on out here?!" Dipper yelled for the kids before he locked eyes with the Vespa Woman dressed in a sexy Santa dress, who gave him a catlike grin in response.

"Long time no see, Takkun." Haruko purred as she took off her bike helmet. "Merry Christmas!"

"Well, I'll be damned if it isn't Haruko Haruhara." Dipper smirked in reply while folding his arms. "Didn't expect to see you again so soon. How long has it been since Stan's funeral, five months? Oh hey, Jinyu's here too."

"It's a pleasure to see you all again, Pines family." Jinyu warmly greeted the Pines as she hugged Stanford. Compared to her eccentric surrogate sister, Jinyu was dressed a bit more conservatively to protect herself from the weather. Her tube top was replaced with a turtleneck sweater, a longer jacket, a warm scarf, and a different pair of leggings. "How have you been adjusting to your new normal since we last saw each other?"

"Eh, we've been slow to adjust to Stan's death and Gwen acting like a human again, but we're doing fine." Dipper replied as he helped Gwen out of the snow.

"So, what brings you and Haruko back to Gravity Falls?" Gwen asked while brushing the snow off her body. "Hopefully, your presence isn't signifying that Medical Mechanica is back."

"Eh, give it a few stories, Gwennie." Haruko foreshadowed possible events to come. "Anyways, Jinyu and I felt like celebrating the holidays with our family! The problem is, most of my family died when my planet was destroyed, as I'm sure you and Sixer are aware."

"So does this mean you consider us your family now?" Stan's ghost asked. "If that's the case, Haruko, that makes our interactions really friggin' weird in retrospect."

"Regardless, it would be wonderful if you'd let us join you for the festivities." Jinyu stated while hoisting a Christmas tree off the back of her car to give to the Pines. "By the way, here's a Christmas tree I'm sure you wanted. I checked, and it's not an angry tree demon."

"Oh, of course you're welcome, Jinyu!" Ford laughed gregariously as he took the Bel Air Babe by the hand and led her into the Shack. "Come on in; you must be cold and hungry from the long trip here! The Ramirez kids just got back from grocery shopping!"

"I am absolutely touched that you consider yourselves members of the Pines." Arnold stated. "Even if we got off on more than just the wrong foot not too long ago."

"You betcha, Arnie! Just call me your cool aunt Haruko!" Haruko proclaimed before she started dancing by swinging her hips and making laser noises with her finger guns, much to the bewilderment of her self-proclaimed niece and nephews.

"She really is Cool Aunt Haruko." Tyrone muttered in awe before Haruko ceased her dance to ask a question.

"Now, who wants to watch slides?!" Haruko yelled before leaping into the Shack.

--

"And this was when Jinyu and I took a beach vacation to Italy!" Haruko said while presenting a slide of her and Jinyu relaxing on the beach in Sardinia as part of a slideshow of their adventures together, while the Pines family and their friends helped themselves to the big jar of figgy pudding and decorated the tree. "As it turns out, Jinyu speaks surprisingly good Italian."

"Gli oceani erano belli lì." Jinyu stated in perfect Italian while bouncing Stan Jr. on her knee before Haruko moved onto a slide of her writing "KICK ME" on Jinyu's back with sunscreen. "We also may have gotten into some trouble with the authorities because someone had the bright idea of making the Leaning Tower of Pisa lean to the other side."

"Hey, you were the one who asked about it!" Haruko bickered with Jinyu before presenting mugshots of the two, with Jinyu looking more stoic while Haruko struck a pose with her placard. Haruko then ended her story of Italy before revealing photos of the two in New York City. "Here's us in the Big Apple! Unfortunately, we couldn't find any mutant turtles, ghostbusters, spider-men, gargoyles, or funny penguin spies there. But we did also run into this douchebag who beat the snot out of me with nose hairs!"

"Wait, as in, he pulled at your nose hairs?" Dipper asked while Haruko presented a slide of her getting into a bar fight with a tan-skinned man dressed in a blue shirt showing off his chest hair with a big yellow afro and nose hairs coming out of his nostrils. Also caught in the crossfires was a green-faced man with a bright yellow zoot suit and a man dressed in a red and black costume armed to the teeth with guns and swords.

"No, as in the funny nose hair man beat me like I owe him money with his nose hairs!" Haruko laughed uproariously. "Funniest shit I've ever seen!"

"So that explains why Staten Island was turned into a nuclear wasteland." Ford muttered in surprise. "I thought it was a Halloween prank or a gender reveal party gone horribly wrong."

"On an unrelated topic, how has fighting Medical Mechanica and finding Atomsk gone for you two?" Ian asked the Vespa Twins.

"Yeah, we've been taking down factories here and there, but we're nowhere near close to Atomsk." Haruko replied before switching to another slide showing the two on the moon. The slide was of Jinyu saluting the American flag while Haruko pulled down her pants to make a butt print next to Neil Armstrong's footprint. "On the plus side, we did discover that at least one part of the moon was made of cheese." Just then, there was another knock at the door. "Anybody wanna get that?"

"Oh no, the carolers are coming!" Leia cried in shock. "Quick, someone hide the figgy pudding!"

"I'll get it." Dipper said as he got up and walked over to open the door. Who he found knocking just now gave the freelance paranormal investigator a real shock. It was a tall, shadowy figure dressed in a black cloak who stretched a bony hand towards Dipper. "The Grim Reaper already?" Dipper asked before turning to the others. "Ford, I think it might be for you!"

"Tell him to wait until I die at age 92 of a heart attack!" Stanford responded before the figure pulled down his hood, revealing that the cloak was worn by a goatlike monster with red and green eyes, sharp teeth and claws, long curled horns, cloven hooves, and a long tail. "My goodness, is that-"

"Oh no, not the Krampus!" Juan yelled in terror while pulling at the ears of his elf hat. "Look, man, I can explain! We did not steal the figgy pudding; we bought that with our own money!"

"Well, did you steal it?" Stan asked, believing that Juan was lying to save his skin.

"Maybe." Juan replied nervously, to which Stan responded with a pat on the head and a declaration of "Attaboy."

"No, I'm not here to punish any naughty children tonight!" the Krampus exclaimed in a somewhat effeminate voice. "I'm here because I need your help!" The gravitas of the Krampus's plea for help was undercut by the sound of his stomach growling. "And also something to eat. You have no idea how long it took to get here!" he added. "Got any figgy pudding left in that can?"

--

"Oh yeah, oh my. This is so good." The Krampus muttered with a mouth full of figgy pudding as he sat down in Stan's chair to help himself to the holiday dessert, getting pudding stains all over his robe and his ash-black fur. "I'm gonna get so sick."

"So, did we just welcome the Krampus into the Shack and let him eat our figgy pudding?" Dipper asked as the Pines-Corduroy-Northwest-Ramirez-Haruhara family awkwardly watched from the table as the Krampus relaxed in the chair. "You're all seeing this, right?"

"And just when we thought we had seen everything." Haruko replied while eating some dinosaur-shaped Christmas cookies Canti got fresh from the oven. "So, who wants to ask him what he's doing here?"

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna back out, dudes." Soos said nervously while stepping away backwards. "Anyone else?"

"All in favor of staying far away from the guy who punishes naughty children as his job?" Ian declared, to which all but two of his younger siblings agreed.

"I'll go," Gwen said as she got up, only to notice Tyrone getting up too. "Hey, I called dibs!"

"Rock paper scissors for it?" Tyrone smiled while offering his fist.

"Uh, guys, I don't think this is a good time to play when the Krampus is in our midst!" Arnold exclaimed while his cousins began their game of roshambo.

"You know I can hear you all talk about me!" the Krampus stated angrily. "Though it's only fair you're a little wary, considering my whole schtick is being the big, scary monster who abducts naughty kids on Christmas. It's been that way ever since Santa cast me out."

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" Gwen and Tyrone shouted and threw out their hands. Tyrone chose paper, while Gwen chose scissors, showing she won the game.

"Guess I win." Gwen said with a grin just as Soos spoke up.

"Hey, anyone seen Stan Junior and Abby anywhere?" Soos asked around for his two missing youngest children, only to slowly see Junior crawling towards the Krampus while Abby tried to bring him back. "Oh no."

"Junior, get back here." Abby whispered as she tried to keep her baby brother from wandering off. "We don't want to make Mr. Krampus angry." Unfortunately, since Junior was only a five-month-old baby, Abby's words fell on deaf, infantile ears as Junior's curiosity got the better of him. He climbed up Krampus's messy robe, crawling on the beast's lap and grabbing at his torso.

"Need something, baby?" the Krampus gave Junior a menacing hiss while holding the baby by his hips. The Pines family and their friends were ready to jump in and save Junior at any moment, but the baby didn't realize what was happening as he made one simple request.

"Fig." Junior babbled, pointing a tiny hand at the half-empty tub of figgy pudding.

"Well, why didn't you say so?!" the Krampus gave a hearty chuckle before sitting Stan Jr. on his lap and scooping up a spoonful of pudding to feed him. "Here comes Santa's sleigh, ready to make a delivery!" The Krampus then waved the spoon around while making airplane noises before sticking the spoon in Junior's mouth, making the easily entertained baby laugh in delight. "I would protect this baby with my life." Krampus muttered in awe of how quickly Junior welcomed him.

"Unca Krampy!" Junior giggled happily.

"Junior!" Jinyu, Imelda, and Abby cried as they raced to Krampus to collect Junior.

"Oh, thank goodness, you had us worried sick, young man." Jinyu sighed in relief while resting the baby against her chest to burp him. "I think you've kept us waiting long enough. Why are you here, and what do you need our help for?"

"Heard the news lately?" Krampus said as he pulled out a radio and tuned into various stations to find the one he was looking for. "Come on, come on!" he muttered, coming across radio stations dedicated to progressive and alternative rock, grunge music, shoegaze, and cheesy Christmas music before finally reaching the news. "Yes!"

"Good evening and happy holidays from your friends at Falls Radio, your one-stop shop for 24-hour news and bear rampage alerts." A radio host announced. "This is TJ."

"And the Wombat!" the cohost added excitedly.

"Coming to you with some breaking news!" TJ declared. "Santa Claus has been arrested today for numerous crimes against humanity he's been framed for and has been given the death penalty. He is set to be executed at the stroke of midnight, and all his worldly possessions shall go for sale on Christmas morning. So, if you're a last-minute shopper waiting too long to bring your family joy, now's your chance."

"But on the plus side, I won't have to tell my kids that Santa isn't real!" the Wombat declared with an unhinged laugh while stock cheering sound effects played in the background. "In other news, the Krampus is wanted across the globe for the crime of framing Santa for being a war criminal! He's been a very naughty boy, so naturally, the United Nations is offering one trillion dollars for his capture! That ought to be enough to buy your kids Christmas presents for life!"

"Did you just hear that?!" Dipper gasped in shock at the news he just heard.

"Yeah, a trillion dollars for nabbing the Krampus!" Stan exclaimed, causing the Krampus to growl at the ghost grunkle. "Isn't that great?!"

"No, no, it's not." Mabel began wailing in despair. "They're gonna kill Santa-ha-ha!" She started bawling into her ugly Christmas sweater while Pacifica and Melody comforted the girl. "What kind of Grinch could possibly do something so evil?!"

"Certainly not me, that's why I'm here!" the Krampus answered. "I need your help to clear my and Santa's names and find the real culprit behind this!" Just then, another knock at the door was heard. "Anyone want to get that?"

"We are just getting one visitor after another today." Ford muttered.

"I'll get it." Leia said before she opened the door to find her boyfriend of five months, Ezra Chiu, standing outside with a fruitcake in hand. "Ezzy, Merry Christmas!" she squealed in delight and gave Ezra a hug. "What brings you here?"

"Greetings, everyone; I have come on behalf of my mother to wish you happy holidays." Ezra greeted the family as he walked inside the Mystery Shack. "She also wanted me to deliver you this fruitcake." Now, pay close attention to that fruitcake, readers. Make sure you study it closely and remember it carefully. It might be important later. Just then, Ezra suddenly noticed the Krampus sitting in Stan's chair, covered in figgy pudding stains. "Leia, honey, why is the Krampus in your house eating figgy pudding?"

"Ezra, my boy, I think you shouldn't ask too many questions." Dipper replied. "Okay, team, assemble!"

"We've been here for the past hour or so." Mabel pointed out.

"Well, assemble better!" Dipper stated. "We need to find a way to save Santa from the death penalty and stop whoever framed him and Krampus from ruining Christmas! Anyone got an idea on what to do?"

"I have an idea," Jinyu answered while she rested Junior on her lap. "We need to kidnap Tim Allen and force him to become Santa to use as a decoy while we look for the real Santa!"

"Yeah, I'm not sure that's going to work." Haruko objected to Jinyu's outrageous idea. "Pretty sure he's working on that live-action Toy Story reboot now. Anyways, here's my idea!" She then pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary Christmas-themed snow globe from her pocket. "I got this magic snow globe off a little red monster puppet who used it to wish it was Christmas every day! Maybe we can use it to wish Santa out of the big house!"

"No, no, no, you're missing the obvious solution here!" Stan's ghost declared. "We need to go to Florida to get the help of Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and the Ice Cream Bunny!" Everybody gave the ghost weird looks, like he grew a parasitic twin dangling off his chin. "What? That was an actual movie filmed at some cheapo theme park in Florida. I was actually there when they filmed it and got into a drunken fistfight with Jay Clark! Quit looking at me like that!"

"Didn't the MST3K guys make fun of that movie?" Melody asked.

"Can we get back on track here?!" Dipper exclaimed impatiently. "We don't have much time! Mabel, what are your thoughts?"

"I have the perfect plan!" Mabel declared. "We find a way to Halloween Town so we can tell Jack Skellington that Sandy Claws needs his help!" Dipper gritted his teeth as he resisted the urge to smash his head against a wall before the Krampus spoke up.

"Those are some of the stupidest ideas I've ever heard, my friends." The Krampus said while holding Abby's hand. "How about instead of sitting around making references to Christmas movies, we go to the North Pole itself and look for clues on who could've framed me for framing Santa?"

"That was exactly what I was going to say," Dipper stated. "Finally, someone's making sense!"

"Hey, I make plenty of sense!" Mabel argued. "Remember when we visited Grandpa Shermy last Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, that was the time we thought he died after he got run over by a reindeer," Dipper replied. "It was really awkward."

"But how are we going to get there?" Wendy asked, and Canti added by projecting a big question mark on his screen.

"Don't worry, everyone, I have this covered." Jinyu said as she led everyone outside to her Bel-Air, making the Krampus whistle at the car with admiration.

"A Bel-Air, nice!" Krampus complimented the Jazzmaster player. "Though I don't think it can fit all of us."

"No need to worry, Krampus." Jinyu replied before pressing a button on her key fob that allowed her car to stretch itself out and take the form of a long, blue limousine, prompting everyone to clap gently in response. "Thank you, thank you so much. Now, let's get going. We haven't got a moment to waste."

"Shotgun!" Krampus yelled as he raced to occupy the front seat next to Jinyu while everyone else got in the back, much to Haruko's chagrin.

"No fair, that's my seat!" Haruko complained to the Krampus while she was forced to sit in the passenger section alongside the Pines.

"First come, first serve, girlie!" Krampus laughed tauntingly at the Vespa Woman. "HA HA HA!"

"Okay, everyone, to the North Pole!" Dipper exclaimed before the Bel Air took off for Santa's home, leaving Gravity Falls in the dust.

--

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Mabel, Tyrone, Soos, Leia, Stan, and Haruko all chanted in obnoxious unison as the Bel-Air/limousine hybrid continued its journey to the North Pole. Despite being barraged with such annoying questions, Jinyu kept her cool as she remained laser-focused on the road ahead, while Krampus kicked back and relaxed with some easy-listening music.

"Here is where you are wrong, my friend." Juan said while in the middle of a heated debate with Jorge. "This is Jesus freaking Christ we're talking about."

"I totally get where you're coming from, but he was just a dude who was as mortal as you and I." Jorge objected. "I mean, did you think he had the power to escape being crucified?"

"Okay, whatever, but he was practically the world's first superhero!" Juan stated. "We are talking about the son of God who can turn water into wine. He could turn Frosty into a nice glass of rosé with but a touch of his holy finger."

"Oh, you are totally underestimating the power of an eldritch snow creature whose only weakness is getting wishy-washy in intense heat!" Jorge exclaimed.

"Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fistfight between Jesus Christ and Frosty the Snowman!" Imelda complained to her older brothers before turning to Jinyu. "How much longer till we get to the North Pole?"

"Not much longer, Imelda." Jinyu replied. "It's just that I can't see through all this snow. Maybe if I turn on the windshield wipers." Upon doing just that, the crew realized that they were swerving out of control, and all began screaming in terror, including Jinyu and somehow Canti, while the car flew off the road. The Krampus was the only one not paying attention as he was too entrenched in his music to realize what was happening until the Bel-Air got back on track.

"Hm, what's going on?" Krampus muttered as he pulled out an earbud, only to realize he had nothing to worry about and returned to his listening.

"So now that we had a brush with death," Dipper sighed in relief before turning to his kids. "what do you plan on doing when we get to the North Pole?"

"I want to be the first boy on Earth to sit on the real Santa's lap!" Tyrone exclaimed. "Not any of those mall Santas who are only there for the paycheck; I want to sit on the lap of the real Kris Kringle!"

"Hold onto your dreams, Tyrone." Dipper gave a fatherly laugh to his son before turning to Gwen. "And how about you, Gwen?"

"I want to feel some Christmas cheer again," Gwen said, gently clutching her pine tree cap. "After going so long without feeling any emotion other than ennui and paranoia, it would be nice to reconnect with my inner child."

"Yeah, she's been like that for a while." Tyrone added. "Hopefully, it doesn't become all she says."

"I'm just looking forward to a relaxing Christmas vacation," Arnold stated. "Hopefully, I don't get horribly maimed or sexually harassed like what Haruko did to me."

"I want to see if I'm still on the nice list." Stan's ghost answered. "That jolly old elf owes me big time!"

"Stan, you can't be on either the nice or the naughty list if you're dead." Ford added.

"Not with that attitude!" Stan said to his brother. "Just wait until you die, and you'll see my point!"

Dipper gave his dead grunkle an odd look before focusing on Haruko. "Hey Haruko, what do you think you want for Christmas? Other than the Big A, that is."

"I don't think I really want that much for Christmas because my wish has already been granted," Haruko said before bringing Dipper and Mabel in for a group hug. "I'm just so glad we're all friends again!"

"Yeah, friends." Dipper and Mabel said in unison before laughing nervously at Haruko and spotting a 'YOU ARE ENTERING THE ESTATE OF SANTA CLAUS. HAVE A NICE VISIT.' However, there was also a large stretch of tape over the sign saying 'CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION.'

"We're here!" Dipper exclaimed, relieved that the long journey had finally ended as everyone began cheering and scrambled out of the Bel Air. However, Arnold was quick to notice that something wasn't right.

"Uh, guys. I think someone might've already beaten us to the punch." Arnold observed the chain-link fence surrounding Santa's home with security officers standing guard at the entrance.

"Oh geez, the National Guard?!" Ian shouted in dismay. "I guess they must be barricading the place on account of Santa becoming public enemy number one."

"Relax, everyone; I got this covered." The Krampus said confidently, strolling up the entrance only to be met with comically large guns pointed at him by the guards. "Gentlemen, I am the Krampus. I'm here because I brought a plucky bunch of Christmas lovers here to clear Santa's name."

"Bold choice of words coming from the monster who framed Santa to begin with!" one of the guards yelled while forcing Krampus to the ground and putting handcuffs on him. "You made a big mistake coming back here, and now we have you red-handed!"

"Fellas, there's no need to be so judgmental here." Haruko tried calming the guards down. "He doesn't mean any harm; he just wants to clear his name."

"Hey, isn't that the Vespa Woman we've heard about on the news?" another guard asked. "Hey, lady, we can let you and your friends in if you give us your autographs!"

"I got a better idea." Haruko said before she started to apply some makeup. "How about I give you a kiss if you let them in?"

"Sounds like a deal." The first guard said before he suddenly got a Rickenbacker to the face, followed by Haruko smacking the other guard with her guitar. "God, I feel so blueballed."

"Eh, you probably wouldn't have gotten far with me anyway." Haruko commented before a pair of tiny reindeer emerged from the guards' foreheads as a result of the woman's assault. "Talk about compensating for something."

"Ha, I get it, because they have tiny dicks!" the Krampus laughed as he got up and effortlessly broke his handcuffs, making everyone wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. "Okay, enough mockery, let's get cracking."

"Uh, we're still gonna get that kiss, right?" the first guard asked as the Pines family and the Krampus walked towards Santa's house.

"Oh, shut up, Ted." The second guard said, utterly disappointed.

"Suck my dick, Mike!" Ted yelled back at his partner.

"I wouldn't bother!" Mike replied. "Yours is so small, you might as well not have one!"

"So is yours!" Ted argued, causing the two to go silent momentarily before sighing in dismay. "God, we need to get laid."

--

"Hello, this is Santa's workshop; you've reached the information desk; my name is Info." An obese, bearded elf sitting at the front desk of the workshop spoke into the phone. "Yes, we are still working on solving our Santa problem. No, we are not accepting auditions for replacements. Thank you, and have a merry Christmas." The elf then picked up another phone. "Hello? No, I don't want to waste all my money on whatever scam you're trying to flim-flam me into, so stop asking!"

"Whoa, this is where Santa lives?" Mabel gasped in awe as the group entered Santa's workshop. "Looks more like a weird mix of an office building and the grand staircase from Titanic."

"Hey, look, there's even an elf working the front desk." Wendy pointed out the elf working the desk and walked up to get his attention. "Uh, hey, man. You busy right now?"

"Hold on, I got a visitor." Info ended another call before turning to Wendy. "Yes?"

"Uh, we're here representing the Union of Servants to Holiday Figures 1225." Gwen made up a lie on the spot that would make Stan proud. "We'd like to speak with your supervisor about your working conditions."

"Oh no, the union?!" Info exclaimed. "Listen, man, I'm not violating regulations; I'm just an honest working elf with a wife and kids back home!"

"Naw, we're just kidding." Krampus laughed at Info's reaction. "We're here to investigate the accusations levied against Mr. Claus. Is there anyone in the building who can help us?"

"As a matter of fact, there is." Info said. "But first things first, my name is Info. I work the information desk."

"How fitting." Ian muttered under his breath.

"And I do believe I can connect you with Mrs. Claus, provided that she's currently taking a break from arguing for her husband's freedom." Info said before he started speaking into an intercom. "Helpo? Could you bring Jessica down here? We got some guests saying they can help us with our Claus conundrum." He requested. "Helpo's my secretary."

"Right away, Mr. Info." A sassy female voice, no doubt Info's secretary, replied before hanging up on her end.

"So, what are your other elves named?" Haruko asked with a snicker. "Is your janitor named Junko or something?"

"No, that's the garbageman." Info stated. "Cleano's the janitor. Speaking of which, the reindeer have been making such a mess since Santa was taken away, so watch your step, guys."

As Arnold nervously checked everyone's shoes to see if anyone unknowingly stepped in reindeer droppings, another elf that looked more like a sassy roadside diner waitress stepped into the waiting room alongside Mrs. Claus herself, who looked just as matronly and jolly as the wife of Santa Claus should be.

"OMG, it's her!" Tyrone whispered in amazement.

"Yes, it is I, Mrs. Jessica Claus." Mrs. Claus introduced herself. "Wife of the big man in the red suit himself and forever seventeen years old!"

"Oi oi!" a trio of elves chanted in response.

"You know, that joke is likely way funnier in Japanese or something." Stan commented sourly before pointing to the Krampus. "Anyways, look, lady, we're here because this sporting young man recruited us to get your husband out of dodge."

"Oh, Krampus," Jessica said as she faced Krampus. "Haven't seen you in quite some time. How have you been?"

"Hello again, Jess. I'm doing fine, thank you very much." Krampus answered while trying to be as civil as possible. "I came here with some new friends of mine to help you clear mine and Santa's names."

"Krampus, are you okay, bro?" Haruko asked the Krampus as she noticed his nervous fidgeting. "You're looking a little nervous."

"Oh, don't mind the poor dear. He and Nicholas have a rough past, is all." Jessica replied while putting a hand on the punisher of the naughty's back. "Now, who wants some Christmas dinner? You all must be hungry after such a long trip here!"

"You bet we are!" Mabel replied cheerfully. "Next time we go on an adventure, Jinyu, please pack something other than dates in the car."

"I would've had more," Jinyu said before she angrily turned to Haruko and lowered her shades to glare at her. "but someone had the bright idea of getting the munchies!" The Vespa Woman snickered mischievously while scratching her nose.

--

Later that evening, the Pines family and their friends were seated in a grand dining room to have Christmas dinner with Mrs. Claus, courtesy of some of the finest chefs the North Pole had to offer. Or, more accurately, everyone just stared in shock and awe as Tyrone wolfed down everything he was served while the elves ran ragged, trying to keep such a hungry boy fed.

"Oh my, someone's a very hungry young man." Mrs. Claus chuckled while pouring some gravy on her turkey.

"Hey, you gonna finish that?" Tyrone asked while snatching some food from Gwen's plate.

"Don't mind my son here. He just loves all those shonen manga the kids are into." Dipper chuckled awkwardly as he apologized on Tyrone's behalf. "Though I wouldn't blame him, this food is amazing! My compliments to the chef."

"Gordo would very much appreciate it, Mr. Pines." Jessica replied happily. "He runs a very tight ship. A little too tight, I must say."

--

"BAKO, WHERE ARE THOSE GODDAMN SIDE DISHES?!" the head chef elf Gordo roared furiously at one of his subordinates. "WE CAN'T KEEP SHOVELING FOOD DOWN THAT BRAT'S GULLET FOREVER; WE GOT A WHOLE FAMILY TO FEED!

"They'll be ready in a minute, sir!" Bako answered as he roasted some tater tots in the oven.

"NOT FAST ENOUGH, NOW MOVE YOUR ASS!" Gordo replied angrily before he sniffed something in the air. "Where's the lamb sauce?" he asked before glaring at another elf preparing to serve more turkey. "WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?! THIS TURKEY IS BLOODY RAW!" he screamed in the elf's face. "YOU BLOODY WORTHLESS REINDEER, IT'S STONE COLD! CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!"

"Please, sir, I'm just trying my best!" the elf began crying in terror of his angry boss. "I have a wife and kids back home!"

"Well, you should be happy to know you'll see them very soon," Gordo replied in a mockingly polite tone before squeezing the elf's neck to the point of nearly choking him. "Do me a favor. Give me your jacket, AND GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!" The elf then completely broke down on the spot and curled up into a ball, sobbing his eyes out. "What a shame. That wife of yours should be disappointed at what a shit chef her husband is."

"Uh, Mr. Gordo, the salad is ready." A third elf nervously said to the boss. "And we're preparing the desserts as we speak."

"Good work Frencho, you won't be getting murdered in your sleep tonight." Gordo calmly thanked Frencho before turning to the other cooking elves. "See, mates, this is what a good chef is like! Why can't you all be more like him?"

"Wait, I won't be what now?" Frencho asked nervously.

--

"So now that we're all sitting down, Mrs. Claus, we'd like to ask you some questions about your husband." Dipper said while putting a notepad on the table and beginning to write on it. "Question number one, has Santa been involved in any illegal activities lately, perhaps pertaining to any war crimes?"

"Oh no, my husband would never do something so foul!" Jessica exclaimed. "Sure, he might've accidentally put names on the nice list who have done things that would make people on the naughty list look nice by comparison, but he's always been a jolly old soul from the day I met him who just wanted to spread love and joy to others."

"Except for me." The Krampus muttered disdainfully, rolling his eyes while taking a bite of stuffing.

"Question two, what was the last thing you remembered happening when Santa was arrested?" Gwen asked with a question of her own while putting on some glasses for no reason other than looking smart.

"That I can definitely answer." Jessica replied. "It was a week before Christmas or so. Santa and I were getting everything ready for the big night when the National Guard came in to arrest my dear based on an anonymous tip from someone who could only describe himself as a big hairy monster." The Krampus sheepishly shrank into his chair. "Afterwards, they had the whole place closed off for investigation, but thankfully, they couldn't find anything to prove Santa was guilty of whatever crimes he was accused of, yet they still insist on executing him anyways."

"Yeah, that's the government for ya." Stan said while the salads were then served. "Anywho, you know anybody who can tell us who could've framed Santa?"

"Hm, I'm not sure if they could tell you exactly, but I'm sure the elves could be of assistance." Jessica explained. "When they're off the clock, you can find them relaxing in the bar they requested we build for them at the workshop." She then pulled out blueprints showing the layout of Santa's estate, with every room from Santa's living quarters to the front desk, the dining hall, the workshop, the reindeer stables, and the bar labeled on the paper.

"Okay, everyone, here's the plan," Dipper said while gesturing to each part of the blueprint. "Haruko, you, Jinyu, Leia, Ezra, and Juan & Jorge will investigate the bar and interrogate the elves. Meanwhile, me, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, Mabel, and Krampus will look around Santa's office. Ford, you, Stan, Pacifica, Ian, Soos, and Melody shall go to the toy factory. Finally, Wendy, Imelda, Abby, Junior, and Canti will search the reindeer stables. Just make sure not to step in any reindeer poop."

"Hee hee, poo-poo!" Stan Junior giggled.

"Can't get enough of this little gremlin." Krampus giggled while pinching Junior's cheek, feeling his blackened heart warm every time the youngest Ramirez child laughed. "Now, you be a good boy and do not disturb Rudolph and pals. You're going to the stables for a reason."

"Yes, don't you want to see Rudolph's nose up close?" Imelda said to Junior, who babbled in delight.

"Be careful with Rudolph and his pals, children." Jessica advised the youngest Ramirez siblings. "They've been in a bit of a bad mood since Santa was arrested, so try not to make them angry."

"It's okay, we promise." Abby replied with a polite bow.

"A bar for elves." Leia snorted in amusement. "I wonder what cute, silly drinks they serve in there? Hey, does the North Pole have a legal drinking age or something?"

"Uh, Dipper, can I steal you for a moment?" Ford said, looking at Haruko's group before taking Dipper away to talk. "Look, my boy, I think putting those six together might not be the best idea. I'm sure Ezra and Jinyu can handle things fine, but putting Haruko, Leia, and the twins in one group is a disaster in the making!"

"Trust the process, Ford. I know what I'm doing." Dipper smiled before turning to the team. "Okay, everybody, meet back here in half an hour with whatever you find. After all, we only have…." Looking down at his watch, Dipper realized it was now 10:00 pm, meaning they didn't have much time left. "Two hours left till midnight?! Okay, everyone, get moving already! What are we standing around for?! GO, GO, GO!"

Everybody quickly scrambled out of the dining hall for clues about Santa's whereabouts. However, Tyrone promptly returned to help himself to one last bit of dinner.

--

"Hey man, can you hook a brother up with some peppermint Hetap?" an elf asked the bartender within the elves' bar.

"I'm gonna need to see some ID first, sir." The bartender replied before the front door opened, causing everyone to shout "NORMO!" as a rotund elf was tossed into the room.

"Uh, you okay, Normo?" the bartender said before Haruko stomped into the bar.

"Okay, you little gnomes, tell us who framed Santa or Skipbo here is gonna get it!" Haruko yelled while pointing a gun at another elf she held hostage.

"What I believe my sister here is trying to say is that we are here to investigate the arrest of Santa Claus," Jinyu added as she, Leia, Ezra, Juan, and Jorge stepped into the bar while Haruko threw Skipbo away. "We don't mean any harm; this was just our way of getting your attention."

"Wow, they really are like gnomes." Juan muttered in amazement at the elves standing before him. "Oh no, was that racist or something? It's just that I come from Gravity Falls, where there are a ton of gnomes living there."

"Gnomes, you say?" a waitress elf said. "I never had any respect for those gnomes, especially after how Schmebulock broke my heart back in '82!"

"Juan, as your older sister, I calmly advise you to shut the hell up so we don't piss these little guys off any further." Leia tried to keep Juan quiet before turning to the bartender. "Uh, hey, short stuff. Can I call you Malone-o or something?"

"Please, call me Tendo." The bartender said. "You said you wanted to know who framed Santa, huh? Well, unfortunately, I don't think any of us know."

"So we came all the way here for nothing?!" Ezra yelled in frustration as he tried turning to walk away. "What a colossal waste of my time. I could've spent time with my family instead of being led on a wild goose chase where a bunch of dwarves lead us to a dead end!"

All the elves gasped in horror at Ezra's outburst before getting really angry at him. "Oh geez, now look what you did." Jorge said to Ezra.

"What did I say?" Ezra muttered, not knowing what he was in for as the elves closed in on his group.

"You know how dwarf is an offensive term to little humans?" Tendo explained to the teenager. "Well, it's kind of the same with us, only we don't like being called dwarves or gnomes. And buddy, you just made a big mistake."

"My boyfriend insulting a bunch of elves and getting into a barfight with them." Leia smirked as she got into a fighting stance. "Not my idea of a romantic Christmas together, but I'll take what I can get."

"EVERYBODY, ATTACK!" Skipbo said in the back, and things quickly turned into a barroom blitz while the bar's house band switched from Christmas music to The Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz." Ezra made the first counterattack as he charged towards Skipbo and leaped over him with the skill of a gymnast before grabbing the elf by the shoulders and throwing him at a few kegs of eggnog.

"Whoa, Leia, you never told me your squeeze was that kickass!" Haruko exclaimed while bludgeoning elves left and right with her bass.

"Indeed." Ezra confidently replied. "My mother had been altering my genetics since birth to be an improvement of human being. At my current age, my strength, speed, and agility have all been dramatically increased to superhuman levels."

"Your boyfriend is basically Captain America!" Juan said as he and Jorge ducked for cover behind the bar and attacked by throwing cans of peppermint Hetap at the elves.

"He's way cooler than I thought!" Jorge added.

"And so yummy, too." Leia purred amorously, causing Ezra to blush in response.

"Neo salanghaneun babo." Ezra muttered in embarrassment.

"We can talk up Ezra's attractive body later; these elves won't go down without a fight!" Jinyu exclaimed before leaping into the air, revving up her Jazzmaster, and sending Tendo flying with a swing. "Hopefully, this won't turn out like New York."

"You and I remember New York very differently." Haruko replied. As the barfight continued, an aged and wizened elf watched sternly from afar, refusing to join the fight as he had his hand in a snack bowl.

--

"What is going on in there?" Dipper wondered as he overheard the commotion in the elves' tavern while he, Mabel, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, and the Krampus were led down the hall to Santa's office by Jessica.

"Stanford told you putting those four in one group was a bad idea!" the Krampus declared. "But nobody listened!"

"Now, now, boys, no need to argue." Mrs. Claus said while standing before the large, candy cane-colored door to her husband's quarters. "Here it is, my friends. Nicholas's office." Opening the door, Jessica revealed an immaculate office trimmed with Christmas decorations to Dipper's group. A toasty fireplace was to the gang's right, and to their left was a Christmas tree that never seemed to die, standing next to the fabled naughty and nice lists. And in the back of the room was Santa's desk, where he would receive letters from hopeful children worldwide.

"One second, guys, gonna see which list I'm on!" Tyrone said as he made a mad dash for the nice list to check for his name. To his delight, he could see it between the names 'Tommy Pickles' and 'Toby Tenma.' "Yes, I'm in! And check it out, so are Gwen and Arnold!"

"Hey, I got a question about the lists." Mabel asked Mrs. Claus. "If Santa has the names of every boy and girl who's been naughty or nice, then what about anybody who doesn't identify as either of those?"

"Don't worry, we have a special list for those children." Jessica said with a smile.

"Can we get back on topic here?" Dipper added while the Krampus gazed at the naughty list with a sad, nostalgic smile on his goatlike face. "Hey, now that we have time to talk, what's your beef with Santa anyways? You mentioned earlier that he cast you out for some reason."

"Oh yes, that." Krampus muttered disdainfully. "You see, Santa created me at the beginning of his career to teach the naughty children a lesson and hopefully change their ways. However, my methods were a little more brutal than he expected. But then, seventeen years ago, there was one particular family he thought I crossed the line with."

--

"Don't you realize you could've killed them all?!" Santa Claus yelled angrily at the Krampus after an attempt at enforcing the Christmas spirit had gone horribly wrong. "That poor boy Max just wanted his family to have a nice Christmas together, but you had to go and scar him for life!"

"Stuff and nonsense, Saint Nick, it's not like I killed them!" Krampus tried to argue with the big man. "Why can't you accept that sometimes, you have to resort to drastic measures to keep the spirit of Christmas alive? Besides, the Engel family really gave it their all against me, especially their grandma. I think I remember taking away her parents when she was a little girl."

"That still doesn't justify putting all those people in danger." Santa replied. "And one of them was a baby, for God's sake! She's too young to do anything wrong, yet you thought she was just as guilty!"

"Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" Krampus yelled back. "Fine, I don't need you breathing down my neck anymore if this is the thanks I get!" He then picked up his sack of cursed toys and began storming off. "One day, you're going to need me again. I swear it."

"Very well then, my son." Santa stoically replied before turning around in his chair to face the window behind him. "Have a merry Christmas, Krampus."

"Bah humbug." Krampus snarled while flipping Good Saint Nick off as he left his office and marched out of the workshop. That was the last Santa and Krampus would see of each other for nearly twenty years after that.

--

"Jesus." Mabel gasped in shock at the story of Krampus's broken relationship with Santa, while Jessica turned away with a frown.

"Yeah, that's one heck of a bomb to drop." Dipper added, just as shocked. "How's the Engel family doing now?"

"Don't worry, none of them are really dead." Krampus revealed. "The boy was sorry for losing his Christmas spirit, and I let them all off with a warning. I'm still watching over them to this day."

"So, if we lose the Christmas spirit, you could hunt us down, too?" Gwen asked, feeling like her previous feeling of ennui would've made her an easy target before her adventures with Haruko and Jinyu.

"That's basically it, yes." Krampus said with a heavy sigh. "You should've seen those guys, too! Like, the dad, for example, went up against this underground snow monster with only a shotgun to buy his family time to escape!"

"Hey, speaking of which, I wonder how the others are doing." Arnold wondered aloud.

--

"This predicament is lacking its usual cheer, huh? If ya ask me, Santa had it coming." Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer grumbled in a rough, raspy voice while smoking a cigar in Wendy's face. "Big red son of a bitch has been exploiting my disability for almost a century now, and not once did he call out any of the other reindeer for leaving me out of their games just because of my nose!"

"Well, there goes my childhood." Imelda snarked at Rudolph's expense. "But while I sympathize with your plight, that's not what we're here for. Do you remember anything about who really framed Santa?"

"Hell if I know." Rudolph said as he took out his cigar and let out a loud cough. "I'm more occupied with pulling his sleigh and being a good husband to Clarice."

"Cutie, are you going to take out the trash?" Rudolph's wife Clarice called out for her surly husband.

"I'll do it in a bit, sweetheart." Rudolph answered. "These humans just want to know what happened to Santa."

"Well, can you bring them the milk and cookies too?" Clarice added.

"Yes, dear." Rudolph said before turning to Wendy. "You guys want milk and cookies? My darling's cookies are the best."

"I could use a little dessert after our big dinner earlier." Wendy replied when she realized someone was missing. "Oh geez. Canti, have you seen Junior anywhere?" Canti started panicking and raced all over the stables in search of the baby, all while unaware that Stan Junior was crawling around the area to see the other reindeer.

"Hey, is the baby with you?" Donner asked Abby.

"Yep, that's my little brother, all right." Abby replied, watching Canti try fruitlessly to catch up to Junior and getting himself covered in reindeer poop in the process. "He just loves to explore."

--

"Hello, you know who framed Santa?" Soos asked a stuffed bear he picked out of the toys yet to be wrapped and delivered. "No? Alright then, dude, keep your secrets."

"Maybe one of these Good Guy dolls can give us some hints, Dad," Ian said while picking up a red-haired doll wearing a colorful striped shirt and overalls, which gave the young man a sinister look. "Oh no, I think this one might be defective."

"We'll see who's defective once I'm done with you!" the Good Guy doll laughed evilly before brandishing a knife to try attacking Ian with, only to be shoved back in his box and stored away with other Good Guy dolls. As Ian raced away in fright, the doll continued cackling while his box ominously wiggled back and forth.

"Look, guys, hear me out." Stan declared as his group investigated the toy factory. "What if Black Pete framed Santa because he wants revenge for being ignored for so many years?"

"Who's Black Pete?" Melody asked Stan before Ford got in her way.

"An unfortunate racial caricature who was ignored for very good reasons that you are too young to understand." Ford stated hurriedly while turning to face one of the elves walking around with an armful of wrapping paper. "Excuse me, little elf, could you tell us where you were when Santa was arrested?"

"The night Santa was arrested? Heck, if I know, I'm just the guy who does the gift wrapping." The elf proclaimed. "That's why they call me Wrappo."

"Okay, we get it. Your names all have O at the end." Pacifica groaned at the continuous elf names before noticing she was standing in a large, snowy footprint. "Uh, guys? You need to see this."

"Great googly moogly, a clue!" Ford gasped as he started inspecting the footprint before the group. "And how long has this snow gone without melting away?"

"One thing is for certain: the Krampus couldn't possibly have made this footprint," Ian observed the scene. "He's got hooves, and they're nowhere near as big as this!"

"Sweet. Sweet, sweet, sweet." Stan nodded in agreement before putting a ghostly hand on Pacifica's shoulder. "You got a good eye, Paz. Mabel certainly made a good choice!"

"Oh, stop!" Pacifica blushed before pulling out her phone to take a picture of the footprint. "I gotta tell Dipper and Mabel we finally have a lead!"

"That reminds me, I should also probably check up on Leia, Juan, and Jorge, too." Ian said before tapping his phone to check on his little sister and brothers. "Hey guys, we finally found a clue in the toy factory! How are things going on your end?"

"Oh, how are things going?" Leia laughed nervously on the other end. "Well, funny you should mention that."

--

"Mugen, Jin, is that you guys?" a dazed Haruko muttered as the elves tied up her, Jinyu, Ezra, and the Ramirezes. "Don't fight just yet; we still need to look for the sunflower guy!"

"How were they able to overwhelm us this easily?" Jinyu asked before the elves shut her up by shoving a Christmas ham in her mouth.

"That's the thing about us elves. They know no fear or pain. Their biggest asset is strength in numbers." Tendo monologued before the waitress from earlier opened a back door that led into the freezing cold snow outside. "This is what happens when you walk in and decide to start getting racist. You all get the cold shoulder!"

"Hey guys, listen, I apologize on my boyfriend's behalf and would like to know if there's anything we can do to make up for it." Leia asked, laughing nervously and shivering a bit from the sudden burst of cold air. "Please don't make us freeze to death! I still have so much to live for!"

"If I have one thing to say before we're turned into popsicles," Juan declared. "it's that EZRA CHIU IS AN IMBECILE!"

"Shut it, brat!" Ezra yelled back at Juan. "You were just as racist as I was by calling them gnomes!"

"On that note, I have got to learn more about the waitress's past with Schmebulock." Jorge added when he heard a knock at the door.

"What the heck is going on here?!" Dipper yelled as he barged into the elves' bar to see what was happening while the others followed closely behind him.

"Somehow, I figured Juan and Jorge would get into serious trouble." Imelda deadpanned while Canti tried to free Haruko's group.

"So, how did you guys get into this sticky wicket?" Dipper asked.

"I may have called them dwarves because I was sick of how we came all this way only not to find any clues." Ezra answered dourly. "How were things on your end?"

"We found a big footprint in the toy factory!" Soos exclaimed with his arms in the air. "We don't know where it came from, but it definitely didn't come from Krampus."

"Well, good to know that I finally have proof I'm innocent." Krampus smiled in relief. "So where do we go from here?"

"I got this, you guys," Pacifica said before tapping on Canti. "Hey, got anything to plug into my phone with?" Canti nodded in understanding before turning his finger into a USB key that he plugged into Pacifica's phone, allowing the footprint picture she took to appear on his screen so he could scan it. Unfortunately, Canti couldn't conclude who or what the footprint belonged to, much to the heiress turned therapist's dismay. "Dammit!"

"We seem to be missing something, but what?" Jinyu said, taking off her shades and scratching her chin in contemplation. "Who could possibly make a footprint that big?" Suddenly, the group heard a loud, ear-piercing screeching sound as they turned to discover a grizzled elf covered in scars, holding a toothpick in his mouth, and wearing an eyepatch who was holding a chalkboard that he scratched his fingernails against.

"You know me, know how I earn a living." The elf introduced himself to the party. "My name be Uno, the first of Santa Claus's little helpers. He and I go way back when he was but an ordinary man of the cloth known as Saint Nicholas Christopher Kringle." As Uno got up from his seat, he walked with a noticeable limp in his step, his body seeming like it had tons of stories to tell. "I know for a fact that Nick is innocent, so I shall help ye catch this beast, but it ain't gonna be easy."

"Was he sitting there this whole time?" Dipper asked. "What do you know about whatever we're up against?"

"Would you care to show me that photo?" Uno asked, and Canti nodded again before presenting Pacifica's photo to the elf, making his little eyes widen in horror. "No, it cannae be!" he yelled while dropping to the floor in shock. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

"What's wrong, little man?" Melody asked before Uno jumped up on her chest and grabbed her by the neck.

"You see little lady; this is no ordinary beast we be up against!" Uno declared. "This is an ancient enemy of Santa Claus thought to have been sealed away seventy-five years ago, but now he has risen again to exact revenge!"

"Who, who is it?" Haruko asked, her face blue with shock and horror.

"His name is impossible to pronounce without going insane," Uno answered while making overdramatic hand gestures. "but if I had to describe this mean one in three words, it would be stink, stank, stunk! This horror was once sealed away in the darkest, coldest depths of the place where Santa keeps all his spare coal! That is right, this creature resides in the SOOOOOOUTH POOOOOOLE!" Juan pulled out his soundboard app to play the sound of cracking thunder while a broken lightbulb exploded like a lightning bolt for extra dramatic emphasis.

"The South Pole?" Mabel asked. "Sounds fun!"

"Prepare to be surprised." Uno declared with a smirk.

"But that's on the other side of the world!" Dipper exclaimed before looking at a nearby clock broken from the prior barfight and gasped. "And we only have an hour left till midnight! Is there any way we can get there in time?!"

"Unfortunately, Dipper, my car is low on gas from the trip here," Jinyu said bluntly. "And I don't think Raharu can carry all of us on her Vespa."

"I got an idea!" Tyrone cried. "Why don't we take Santa's sleigh? That thing can travel around the world in one night to deliver presents, so what's the harm in using that to get to the South Pole?"

"Oh right, that." Jessica nervously said. "The government repossessed the sleigh after Nicholas was arrested, so we might be out of luck if we didn't have alternatives. Uno, if you please."

"With pleasure, Jess." Uno said with a toothy grin before pulling down a projector screen and displaying photos of an immaculate yacht and an equally refined private jet. "Before I start, let me ask you a question. What do you think Santa does on all the other eleven months of every year?" Soos raised his hand. "You in the back?"

"He gets everything ready for next Christmas?" Soos asked.

"No! Well, not quite." Uno answered. "He spends the other eleven months traveling in style aboard his private jet, the Red Nose, and his personal yacht, the S.S. Twelve Days. That is how he knows who's been naughty or nice, and they're both fueled by pure, concentrated Christmas joy that allows them to move at speeds that only the fastest land and sea vehicles could dream of achieving. Now then, which one do you fancy?"

A few pregnant moments of silence passed as the crew debated over whether to take the Red Nose or the Twelve Days to the South Pole. Krampus was the first to speak up after about a minute. "Taking the Red Nose, bye guys!" The Pines family and friends, now joined by Mrs. Claus and Uno, all raced to the yacht without hesitation and sailed to the South Pole.

--

"WHOO, CHRISTMAS POOL PARTY!" Tyrone shrieked delightedly as he raced towards the Twelve Days' swimming pool. "LAST ONE IN IS A LUMP OF COAL!" As the team expected, the Twelve Days was roaring through the oceans with Mrs. Claus as the captain and Christmas joy as fuel, meaning they'd be at the South Pole with time to spare.

"Hey, wait for me, you guys!" Arnold panted while trying to catch up to Tyrone, Juan, and Jorge and put on his water wings at the same time. "You have no idea how long it took to blow these up."

"You are literally ten, and you still wear water wings." Juan chuckled snidely before grabbing Arnold by the hips and throwing him into the pool. "Come on, man, didn't you learn to be more confident in yourself?!"

"AUGH!" Arnold wailed as he made a splash landing, getting water on Gwen, who was sunbathing on an air bed. "Oh, sorry, Gwen. Didn't see you there."

"Didn't realize Juan could throw people that far." Gwen giggled, looking towards some of the adults relaxing by the pool. Haruko laid back while drinking some peppermint schnapps, Jinyu rocked Stan Jr. to sleep, Dipper was writing in his journal about their Christmas adventure thus far, Mabel and Abby were trying to converse with a whale, Ezra was playing chess with Imelda, Canti was serving as the lifeguard, and the Krampus was also drinking peppermint schnapps while telling a story to Stan and Ford.

"And that was the end of my brief fling with Jingle Belle Claus." Krampus declared, a little tipsy from how much he drank while wearing a cheesy Hawaiian shirt decorated with holly, ornaments and sleigh bells. "I mean, come to think of it, I was technically her brother via being created by Santa, so Jingle had every right to let me down easy." He let out a loud burp before continuing. "So Stan, tell me more about that Marilyn lady you met in Vegas."

"Oh, that Marilyn, what a fox," Stan said dreamily while reminiscing on one of his many flings. "We may have been married for about six hours before she ran off with my car and all my money, but I wouldn't trade those hours for the world. Gorgeous long hair, a flagrant disrespect for authority, and a real love for causing mischief and selling junk. However, I did hear her say something about a curse under her breath. Maybe she had some kinda terminal disease, I dunno."

"You have bizarre tastes in women, Stanley." Jinyu declared.

"Oh please, you have not seen a strange taste in women until you've met me!" Ford bragged. "In my traversal across the multiverse, I spent time in a little town called Sunnydale where I became an ally to a young woman and her friends tasked with defending the town against the forces of darkness." As Ford continued talking, he began blushing with embarrassment at the memory. "However, I soon became smitten with a vampire they were supposed to kill, and things got really awkward between us. I can still remember Rupert's reaction to my affair."

Just then, Ford's awkward story was interrupted by Haruko bursting out of her chair and diving into the pool to join Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, Ian, Leia, Juan, and Jorge in some pooltime fun. "Hey, come on in, guys! The water's fine!"

"We're gonna play volleyball, boys versus girls." Gwen said while holding a volleyball in her hands. "Hey, Jinyu. Would you like to join my team?"

"I'd be down to play." Jinyu said, putting Junior down and giving him her shades before joining Gwen, Leia, and Haruko in the pool. "Looks like we're a woman short."

"Hey guys, having fun out here?" Wendy called as she and Pacifica walked out onto the pool deck in their bathing suits, immediately catching everyone's eye. Dipper stumbled out of his chair at the sight of Wendy's toned & muscular body in that red one-piece from their brief stints as lifeguards at the Gravity Falls pool, while Mabel nearly fell overboard when she got a look at her curvy blonde wife in a diamond-encrusted bikini, only to be saved at the last moment by Abby. "Aw sweet, volleyball! Mind if I join?"

"Muscle mommy and thicc MILF, please suffocate me." Haruko muttered lustfully before regaining her composure. "I mean, sure! We're doing 5v5, boys vs girls!"

"You have fun with the kids, Wendy. I'm going to see if Mabel hasn't fallen overboard and then work on my tan." Pacifica said as she strutted towards her wife, leaving Dipper's redheaded lover to dive in and join the girls in their volleyball game against the boys.

"SPIKE!" Leia yelled as she leaped up and served the ball to make it fly towards Arnold.

"Come on, Arnie, block it!" Tyrone called out, forcing Arnold to think fast. He did his best pass, making it bounce over to Haruko.

"So, how much longer until we reach the South Pole?" Dipper asked as he got back up and sat in his deck chair to watch the volleyball game.

"Not very long, I think." Krampus replied, still a little drunk from his peppermint schnapps. "We should probably get everyone inside and bundled up once we get closer."

"Krampus, I think you might need to lay off the schnapps. I don't think you can hold your liquor." Stan tried imploring the Krampus to put down his alcohol. "Seriously, even I wasn't this easily hungover when I was alive."

"What are you, my dad?" Krampus slurred before he went wall-eyed and fell flat on his face. Above the party at the pool, Jessica, Soos, and Melody laughed at Krampus's drunken state before Uno entered the cockpit.

"Mrs. Claus, permission to speak?" Uno asked with a salute.

"Permission granted, Uno." Jessica replied while saluting back. "What do you want to say?"

"We should be nearing the South Pole any moment now." Uno said while examining a map he pulled from his pockets. "Best get our passengers inside when it starts getting colder."

"Aw, but they look like they're having so much fun." Soos moaned in dismay while watching the volleyball game from above, where Canti was now keeping score between the two teams.

"Soos, we'll soon be entering the coldest place on Earth, other than Chicago," Melody said as the girls' team scored more points. "I'm having a fun time on this voyage, too, but I got a feeling a storm might be coming." In the distance, Melody could faintly see a wicked snowstorm brewing at the South Pole, signifying they were getting close.

--

Eventually, however, as the Twelve Days approached the South Pole, everyone had to go inside and change from their swimwear to warmer clothes to survive the frigid weather. While Canti was serving the kids hot cocoa, Tyrone tried to strike up a conversation. "So guys, what kinda anime do you like watching? I'm always a shonen guy myself, and I want to be best friends with Goku so we can train and eat together all the time."

"That's cute, Ty, but I'm more of the psychological girl myself." Gwen stated while sipping her cocoa. "Lain, Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, Madoka Magica, all of that. How about you, Arnold?"

"I'm more prone to the kinds of anime that have a calming effect on me." Arnold answered with a dead serious look on his face. "I would commit so many crimes against humanity for Komi-san and Sawako's happiness."

"Whoa, settle down there!" Ian laughed at how protective Arnold was of a pair of fictional characters. "I don't think either of them would appreciate going to such drastic measures. Anyways, Leia and I are always up for a good mecha anime, especially those that go full ham and have some fun with the big robot fights."

"Just who the hell do you think I am?!" Leia declared, pointing up to the sky with a dramatic pose, causing everyone to laugh.

"Juan and I are partial to isekai, mostly so that we can laugh at all the cliches we can find." Juan said, leaning back with his arms folded behind his head.

"How often can a generic fantasy world use RPG game mechanics?" Jorge added. "And don't even get me started on the harem fantasies!"

"I've been getting Abby hooked on magical girl anime." Imelda stated. "So far, we're already halfway through Sailor Moon, and she's just gotten started on Cardcaptor Sakura." She then leaned in to whisper something into Gwen's ear. "I don't think she's ready for Madoka yet."

"Gotcha." Gwen nodded quietly.

"I like Venus!" Abby said, unaware of what the older girls were saying.

"What about you, Ezra? What are your favorite anime?" Gwen asked Ezra, who was trying his best to look aloof as always. "Ezra, are you there?"

"I like sports and science fiction anime. That's it, no need to get me involved." Ezra said before he looked around and pulled out his phone to admire a picture he had saved of a busty anime woman with blonde hair and blue eyes wearing a purple one-piece. "No one will ever understand you like I do, Kusakai-sama."

"Hey Ez, whatcha looking at?" Leia asked while looking over her boyfriend's shoulder, making the young man scream in fright while trying to hide his phone.

"It's nothing, I swear! Mind your own business!" an embarrassed Ezra yelled before Leia took his phone to look at the picture. "Give that back!"

"OMG, is that me as an anime girl?!" Leia laughed before showing the picture to the others. "Hey guys, check this out!"

"Wow, she looks a lot like Leia, only a little more well-endowed." Ian declared, causing his sister to blush in embarrassment while the other kids laughed.

"Hey, Keijo is an underrated gem that's far more sophisticated than you think it is!" Ezra exclaimed as he tried getting his phone back from Leia. A few tables away, the adults, along with Haruko, Jinyu, Krampus, Jessica, and Uno, were all sitting together with hot chocolate of their own while watching the kids have some fun at Ezra's expense.

"Those kiddos seem to be having the time of their life." Uno growled while taking a swig of cocoa. "How long have they all known each other?"

"Melody and I are practically Gwen, Tyrone, and Arnold's godparents because we're so close with the Pines." Soos explained to Uno. "As for Ezra, Leia's had a crush on him since the end of middle school."

"Hey, I got a question to ask myself." Dipper added while gesturing to Uno's eyepatch. "What's with the eyepatch? Did you really lose an eye, or is it your way of looking tough and rugged?"

"For your information, boy, this was a battle scar from one Christmas night gone horribly wrong." Uno explained, flipping up his eyepatch to reveal that the eyelid was completely sewn shut to indicate that he did indeed lose an eye. "It was December 1941. America had just entered the great war against the Nazis after Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor. During our yearly trip around the world, Santa stopped in Berlin to deliver their presents. But unfortunately, he chose the worst possible time to make his rounds."

Uno paused for a moment to take another sip of hot chocolate. "Hitler's forces were doing their nightly patrols when they found us, confusing us for runaway Jews just because we weren't anything like the average man. They were like sharks, y'see. Sometimes a shark, he looks right into ya. Right into your eyes. Y'know the thing about a shark, he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya. We tried begging them to allow us to leave peacefully, but there was no soul in those eyes of theirs as they took aim and started firing at us. Not everybody made it out alive. Oh, poor Newbo. 'Tis his first day on the job, and his life was taken right before me eyes. I could still hear him tell me to run as he died from the gunshot."

As Uno's story continued, everyone was enamored with the elf's passionate manner of speaking as he reminisced on the deadliest day of his life. "Santa, outraged that someone could go beyond the definition of naughty, beat all those armbanders within an inch of their lives. Not all the elves made it out alive, though. I was one of the lucky ones, as I decided to swim for my life and was found a few days later on the USS Indianapolis by a kindly fellow named Quint. Some of them were shot to death. Others were taken away to probably be gassed. Since then, whenever Santa visited a country during a war on Christmas, he took extra precautions to ensure that no other elf would die again." After a long, heavy sigh, Uno took another sip of cocoa. "Anyways, that's how I got the eyepatch."

"Yes, very enticing story." The Krampus said before getting up from the table. "Anyways, I'll be outside looking out for the South Pole if anyone needs me."

"Good idea, Krampus." Jinyu said as she and Haruko followed. "We'll be back to tell everyone when we're about to come ashore."

As the trio left, Dipper wondered why the Krampus wasn't so interested in Uno's war story. And naturally, this made him very curious. "I'll be back in a bit, guys. Keep my hot chocolate warm for me." He said before leaving the table to investigate.

--

"Lovely night we're having, huh?" Krampus asked as he, Haruko, and Jinyu looked together at the night sky while leaning on the ship's railing. Krampus had finished the last of his cocoa while Jinyu took a smoke of her cigarette before throwing it behind her. "Hey guys, was there ever a time when you were believed to be a big, scary monster that everyone should fear?"

"Oh, totally." Haruko answered. "My time with the Pines wasn't always berries and cream. When I first met them, I became besties with Stan and hung around with the twins so they could help me find the Pirate King. But when they got wise to what I was doing, they treated me like a pariah for years afterward. Heck, even when I came back to Gravity Falls twenty years later to do it all again with Dipper's kids, Stan still hated my guts enough that it killed him!"

"Wait, seriously?" the Krampus gasped.

"No lie." Jinyu added, confirming what Haruko had just said. "I should know; I'm literally half of her given physical form after an encounter with Atomsk gone wrong."

"Huh, didn't know that." Krampus stated in deep thought while Dipper hid in the distance to spy on the trio. "What I'm trying to say is that I have spent literal centuries as the thing that sees children when they're sleeping and knows when they've been bad, so I could traumatize them into behaving when I'm far more complex than that! For example, I'm quite fond of craft brewing, trashy reality shows, old film noirs, Zumba, and reading anime fanfiction."

"The Krampus likes anime fanfiction?" Dipper whispered in utter disbelief of what he just heard. "That is definitely something I just said that no one else has ever said."

"I can relate to that, Krampus." Jinyu replied. "As half of Haruko, it's my duty to serve as her moral compass and keep her from going too far in our search for Atomsk, but after being absorbed by her-"

"Weh?" Krampus interrupted.

"Long story." Jinyu stated before getting back on track without missing a beat. "I sometimes felt like I had no identity of my own."

"Whoa, never knew you felt that way, Jinyu." Haruko muttered in surprise before putting a hand on Jinyu's shoulder. "And this has been going on ever since I ate you?"

"Indeed." Jinyu replied with a nod. "During our travels together, I have been trying to expand my interests, though. In the five months since we last saw the Pines family, I've developed an interest in coffee, yoga, opera singing, jewelry making, archaeology, and basketball."

"You should've seen her cheer for the Harlem Globetrotters." Haruko laughed while flicking Jinyu's nose. "She was absolutely losing it." Jinyu began blushing in embarrassment at her sister's joke. "I even got it on video! Wanna see?"

"Don't." Jinyu coldly interrupted the Vespa Woman while Krampus laughed at her expense.

"Wow, who would've guessed I'd share something in common with you two?" Krampus realized with a smile before sniffing something behind him. "You know we can see you there, Dipper! You've been spying on us, haven't you?"

"No, I haven't!" Dipper nervously said as he tried to cover up his eavesdropping. "By the way, I didn't realize you liked anime fanfiction, Krampus."

"LAND HO! LAND HO!" Uno yelled out for everyone across the yacht to hear. "EVERYONE, WE'VE FINALLY REACHED THE SOUTH POLE!"

"It's about time!" Gwen exclaimed as everyone raced outside to see the South Pole growing ever so closer while the Twelve Days began trawling along the thick ice. "This is it, everyone. This has got to be where Santa's old enemy lives. We all need to be on our guard."

"And bundle up something fierce too!" Mrs. Claus added while breaking out more warm clothing for everyone to wear. "The South Pole is unbelievably cold, so I don't want anyone freezing to death, especially the youngins among you."

"Freezy!" Stan Junior agreed with Jessica while being dressed in an extra warm snowsuit.

"That settles it, everyone. Get bundled up and let's hit the road!" Dipper commanded the team. As everybody went back inside to get dressed for the long journey ahead, Dipper briefly examined his watch to check how much time was left. To his relief, the Twelve Days' Christmas cheer-powered voyage only took thirty minutes, which meant they still had time to spare to prove Santa's innocence. "So, identity crisis, huh?"

"Indeed," Jinyu responded quietly. "Although I am happy to be called Raharu's sister, it saddens me to think that at some point in time, we will have to become one being again in our pursuit of Atomsk, and it scares me a little. I haven't known you and your family long, Dipper, but I feel like I've become a Pines myself."

"Hey," Dipper said while putting an arm around Jinyu and hugging her. "don't let the future scare you so much. Just focus on the here and now. It's what Mabel and I had to learn when we were kids, and I think you could really use it yourself."

"Thank you, Dipper. Or should I say Takkun?" With a sly smirk, Jinyu gave Dipper a quick kiss on the cheek before going back inside the yacht, leaving the mystery solver just as frozen as the South Pole in alarm. Guess there is still some parts of Haruko that carried over to Jinyu after all.

--

Once they were all bundled up and ready for the journey ahead, the Pines-Corduroy-Northwests, the Ramirezes, the Vespa Twins, Ezra, Canti, the Krampus, Jessica, and Uno left the Twelve Days behind as they braved the unbearable cold together. "Wow, they weren't kidding when they said the South Pole was the coldest place on Earth." Arnold said as he began shivering from the chilly winds blowing on his face with only a lantern to keep him warm. "Other than Chicago, that is."

"Really wish we had the time to make snow angels or have a snowball fight." Haruko replied while turning literally blue in the face.

"We can have some fun in the snow later, guys." Ford stated. "Right now, we need to find where this creature lies and slay and/or pacify him. Uno, what are your thoughts?"

"My thoughts? Oh, I'll give you my thoughts!" Uno declared while lighting a match under his chin to illuminate his face. "Last I recall, this heathen dwells within a mountain where his only company is a three-headed beast akin to Cerberus tasked with keeping him from getting out. However, it would take ages to find this mountain."

"Maybe this dude knows where the mountain is." Soos said, pointing his thumb over to a giant mound of white fur taking a nap in the snow, its pelt making it blend in easily with the environment. "Hey, you know where we can find a mountain?!" The mound began rumbling as it revealed itself to be a giant abominable snowman who slowly got up and glared at Soos for disturbing his nap. "I have made a huge mistake."

"Don't worry, guys; maybe this guy just needs a dentist." Mabel laughed nervously at the yeti standing before them.

"Mabel, I don't think this is anything like the specials." Dipper muttered in horror before the snow monster let out a beastly roar. "EVERYBODY, RUN!" The team immediately began running for the hills as the abominable snowman chased them around the South Pole, but they soon found out that the beast should be the least of their worries.

"REINDEER WITH RABIES!" Mabel shrieked as the family started running from infected herds of reindeer.

"So that's what happened to Flossie and Glossie." Uno muttered as he recognized a few of the reindeer among the herd.

"MUTANT ELKS!" Stan yelled while being chased by mutated elks. "They're basically the same as the reindeer with rabies, only even more dangerous!"

"KILLER MISFIT TOYS!" Haruko yelled as her leg was trapped by a deranged jack-in-the-box holding a knife. "They are nowhere near as cute as the ones Rudolph met! Save me, King Moonracer!" Using a pocketknife, Uno saved Haruko in the nick of time by cutting the jack in the box from its spring before stabbing the doll in the face. "Not what I expected, but thank you!"

"What is this, the place where Santa dumps all the stuff that would be too dangerous for anyone to handle?" Gwen asked while fighting back against a rampaging spotted elephant.

"I don't know because that doll over there looks pretty normal." Tyrone said, pointing towards what he assumed was an ordinary doll that stared deeply into his soul. "I don't like how she's looking at me, though."

"Give me your soul, and I shall give you all you desire." The doll offered Tyrone in an eerie voice and stuck its plush hand out. Just when it seemed like Tyrone would be tempted to accept the doll's offer, he instead screamed and ran for the hills.

"We're getting nowhere at this rate!" Tyrone yelled as he, his cousins, Juan, and Jorge ran for cover. "Anything we can do to distract them?!"

"Wait, I think I have an idea!" Juan said before turning to Jorge. "Jorge, hand me a radio! I've been wanting to do this for ages now."

"What did you want to do?" Tyrone asked before Jorge handed his brother a radio to play as Juan began skimming through channels before finding the right one.

"Hey hey hey, it's the Deathly Pallor, coming at you on numbitty 902, WA3D FM, "The Sturge!" the obnoxious radio host announced. "Coming up next, we got some hot cheesy Christmas music comin' at you from DOUBLE-OH BALLYHOO!" Just then, a bit of that exact music played on the station.

"I DON'T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS, THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE!" the familiar voice of Mariah Carey blared, causing the yeti, the rabies-infected reindeer, the mutated elks, and the killer misfit toys to cringe from how obnoxiously catchy the song was. "I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN, MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW! MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE! ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!"

"Really, you chose that song?!" Krampus grumbled while covering his ears and resisting the urge to sing along.

"I always wanted to do that!" Juan said proudly while dropping the radio in the snow.

"And I should start pledging more to our radio stations soon." Jorge added in utter bewilderment. "They're really getting desperate."

"That should buy us enough time to escape." Mrs. Claus said as she realized something before she started running, motioning for the group to follow her. "Come along, everyone, I know the way!"

--

Once everyone got far away enough from the onslaught of abominable snowmen, misfit toys, and deranged reindeer herds, Jessica took the lead as she guided the group toward their destination. Climbing up an icy mountain covered in snow, the team tried their best not to slip and fall from the mountainside as they walked on the ice-covered path to the real culprit behind the war crimes Santa was framed for.

"Here it is, the home to the beast that Santa sealed away decades ago," Jessica announced. "I should've known that fiend was plotting his revenge the moment Uno said he was in the South Pole."

"Yes, finally!" The Krampus muttered eagerly. "Once we find the guy behind this, we can clear Santa's name, and I'll be home free!"

"Hey guys, check out the cave!" Tyrone shouted as he raced up the mountain path towards a nearby cave at the end. Gazing deep into its dark abyss, Tyrone gazed at it in wonder before shouting "COOL!", his exclamation echoing through the depths and creating a faint quaking sound. "COOL!" he cried louder. "Hey guys, this cave is really deep!"

"Let's see how deep." Dipper added before taking a coin out of his pocket and throwing it into the deep cave. He didn't even hear it land. "Yep, pretty deep."

"This is it, everyone, the point of no return." Soos declared. "Would you like to save your game before proceeding to the final boss?"

"Enough video game lingo, Soos, let's save Christmas already!" Stan exclaimed before the group prepared to enter the cave when Gwen and Tyrone decided to ask a question.

"Uh, Mrs. Claus, before we go, I must ask." Gwen asked Jessica. "What are we in for? How evil is this monster?"

"Is he any eviler than those jerks online who bully people for liking cartoons they hate?" Tyrone added.

"Oh, far eviler than that," Jessica answered. "It took a special ritual to keep this atrocity locked away for decades, but I fear it must've been broken. If we aren't careful, this could be our very last Christmas."

The Pines siblings looked at each other in fear before they held hands to stay close together, walking into the cave with their friends and the grownups to see numerous messages carved into the walls.

"TURN BACK!"

"HE'S A MEAN ONE!"

"ABANDON ALL HOPE!"

"TURN BACK NOW!"

"WE DIDN'T STUTTER YOU MORONS!"

"SERIOUSLY, TURN BACK OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!"

"YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING? FINE, GO AND DIE THEN, DUMBASS. BUT DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU."

"Sheesh, we get it already. No need to be so mean." Tyrone muttered at the foreboding messages. "You big jerk." He then discovered another message that said, "I HEARD THAT!"

"Why do I get the feeling that someone else was here before?" Haruko wondered as she examined the carvings. "I mean, how else could these even be he-REEEE!" She shrieked in horror at a decaying skeleton half-hidden in a snowman before jumping into Jinyu's arms to feel protected. "Save me, onee-sama!"

"Haruko, that man died long ago. He won't hurt you." Jinyu said before letting Haruko go and putting her hands on her shoulders. "Nothing will hurt us so long as I'm around. I promise you."

"Wow, someone's going all in on the big sister role." Haruko grinned sweetly before she saw Jinyu's eyes widen in shock at something emerging behind her. "Do I even need to ask if there's something right behind me?"

The beast let out a mighty roar, causing the Vespa Twins to reflexively brandish their guitars while Dipper shined a light into the creature's face, revealing that he was a giant three-headed dog with a reindeer horn on each head. By his side was a yeti-like beast with dirty green fur, pale pink eyes, and a sinister smile that belied a wonderful, awful mind.

"Heel, Max, heel!" the green yeti said while yanking on the chain he held the Cerberus-like beast by. "So, it seems that we have some interlopers in our lair. Let me guess, you're out to save Christmas?"

"That sounds like a pretty fair assessment." Dipper nodded as he slowly recognized the creature before them.

"More or less, I guess," Ford added.

"That sounds awesome, let's do that!" Mabel exclaimed.

"I'm open to the concept." Stan declared.

"I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT WE WERE HERE FOR, COME ON YOU GUYS!" Krampus complained. "So, you must be the one who framed me for framing Santa, aren't you, Grinch?"

"Wait, that's the Grinch?!" Ian shouted in alarm at the creature's true identity. "Kinda thought he'd sound more like Boris Karloff or Jim Carrey or Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Ah, I see you're aware of all those mockeries of my name." the Grinch snorted in disgust. "As you can clearly see, I am nothing like those cartoons. I'm an ancient being who thrives on despair and naughtiness, sealed away for decades by that accursed Santa! But now that I have used my Santa shadows to frame him and doomed the old man to die, I will soon be free to smite the Earth!"

"Wait, mockeries?" Mabel asked. "Is he saying the book was based on him?"

"Indeed, lass." Uno declared. "In fact, all the classic children's authors use their writing as a cover for their true occupations as members of an ancient cabal of demon hunters tasked with defending the world from the forces of darkness! And it's not just Dr. Seuss either. Lewis Carroll, Maurice Sendak, Ursula LeGuin, even J.K. Rowling were members once upon a time!"

"Wait, what happened to Rowling?" Ford wondered.

"If you've been online over the past couple of years, you'd know what." Uno said while reaching into his pocket and pulling out a candy cane sword. "Now, if ye excuse me, I'm going to settle the score and finish what Santa & Geisel started!"

"No, Uno, don't be a hero!" Jessica cried as the first of Santa's elves charged into battle against the Grinch's guard dog and jumped up to stab it in one of its eyes. While Uno successfully blinded one of the Cerberus-like beast's heads, he failed to account for the other two heads, grabbing and flinging him around like a doggy toy.

"No, not Uno!" Leia cried as the rest of the gang couldn't bear to watch their friend get torn to shreds. "What else can we do?!"

"Wait, I think I got an idea!" Ezra exclaimed as he reached behind his back to reveal a treat he intended to give the Pines earlier. See? There's that fruitcake again! Ezra threw the fruitcake as far as he could at the guard dog, momentarily distracting all three of its heads as they immediately began gnashing at the flying fruitcake while the injured Uno was dropped to the icy floor.

"Uno!" everybody else yelled as they raced to the elf's side as he slowly passed out from his injuries.

"Oh no, please speak to us, dear!" Jessica cried while holding Uno in her arms. "Someone please tell me he's alright!"

Juan waved a hand over Uno's frozen face. "He's dead." Everyone gasped in horror as they began to mourn Uno's death.

"It should've been me, not him." Krampus said despairingly while dropping to his knees. "IT SHOULD'VE BEEN ME! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"I'M NOT DEAD YOU IDIOTS!" Uno screamed as he woke up in Mrs. Claus's arms. "I'm just too old for this shit anymore."

"Your attempt at a sacrifice was admirable, elf," the Grinch bellowed as he rose to confront the team with his guard dog, now finished with Ezra's fruitcake, by his side. "but it ultimately meant nothing. Once I kill you all and escape this prison, I will condemn this world to eternal freezing darkness!"

"Well, this has quite literally become the worst Christmas we've ever had." Haruko declared. "Someone, please help us!"

--

If there was anything on Nicholas Christopher Kringle's mind as he was walked down the hall towards the electric chair by a pair of prison guards, it's that he lived his life with no regrets. Once known as simply Saint Nicholas, the man who would become Santa Claus began his gift-giving tradition in fourth-century Greece before being noticed by an elf who called himself Uno, who gave Nicholas the idea of spreading joy to the rest of the world. From then on, Nicholas developed his Santa Claus persona and provided a home to Uno's kind in exchange for working for him, later marrying a kindly schoolteacher named Jessica and turning her into Mrs. Claus. It seemed like Santa's incredibly long life was perfect, but it was all about to come to an end tonight, and on the first stroke of midnight on Christmas morning, no less.

"Look, Mr. Claus, I really hate that you're gonna die, but I can't just bend the rules to let you out, y'know." One of the guards escorting Santa apologized to the spirit of Christmas. "Who knows? Maybe the kids of the world will still get their presents somehow."

"I have long since made peace with that." Santa declared grimly. "I'm just thinking more about how many people I didn't get to say goodbye to." Suddenly, he began hearing a cry for help from miles upon miles away, almost like someone was in danger. "My Santa Sense is tingling!"

"Someone please help us!" the voice of a young woman called out for a hero in the bleakest of times.

"Do not worry, young lady, I'm coming!" Santa yelled as he burst from the guards' restraints, broke the handcuffs holding him into pieces, and raced past the spirited group of kids adventuring to save him while ripping open his prison attire to reveal his signature red and white suit underneath. "SANTA CLAUS AWAY!"

With a mighty spring in his step, Santa burst through the prison roof and soared through the air toward the South Pole, leaving the two guards in the dust. "The prisoner is getting away, someone stop him!" the first guard yelled, but nobody did a thing much to his chagrin. "Dammit, Lawrence!"

"Shut up, Nick, it's Christmas!" Lawrence told his coworker.

"We're going to lose our jobs for this." Nick moaned in defeat.

--

"I can't believe it. We're going to spend Christmas getting killed by the Grinch." Tyrone declared as the Grinch and his guard dog loomed over the group. "Since we're all gonna die soon, there's one horrible secret I must share with you all. I do not care for Hinata."

"What?!" Jorge gasped in anger.

"Do not care for Hinata." Tyrone reiterated to make his point clearer.

"How can you even say that? She's a beautiful cinnamon roll!" Juan exclaimed. "She's too pure for this world!"

"And that's exactly why I don't care for her!" Tyrone declared. "People only like her because she's a cute, shy girl with huge honkers. Now Sakura, there's someone with actual personality beyond just looking good, yet everyone hates her because she's mean to Naruto! Newsflash: everyone was mean to Naruto! Is she always singled out because of her gender?!"

"What makes you think this has anything to do with gender?" Juan asked.

"It's called double standards!" Tyrone proclaimed, much to everyone's annoyance. Even the Grinch was getting tired of his time being wasted.

"I can't believe we're having this discussion." Imelda spoke for everyone in the Grinch's cave.

"Indeed. Your childish banter is amusing but will not save you at all." The Grinch agreed with Imelda before raising his giant foot to stomp everyone into paste. "Now, prepare for this to be your last Christmas!"

"I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids." The faint voice of Rick Derringer sang as the Grinch sensed an old foe coming his way. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

Santa crashed between the Pines family and the Grinch in a three-point landing that shook the entire mountain and created a cloud of icy dust to surround him as he made his debut. "With my bag full of presents, down the chimney I slide. You better watch out, you better not cry." The song boasted. "I'm gonna deck the halls with boughs of holly, I'm the holiday symbol of jolly."

"You!" the Grinch yelled in shock.

"You!" the Krampus added.

"Me!" Santa exclaimed while flexing his muscles.

"Santa Claus is Hulk Hogan?" Dipper, Gwen, Jinyu, Ford, Arnold, Ian, Melody, Pacifica, Imelda, and Ezra all asked in surprise.

"Santa Claus is Hulk Hogan!" Mabel, Tyrone, Haruko, Stan, Leia, Juan, Jorge, Abby, Soos, and Wendy all cheered excitedly.

"That's right, brother, everything will be alright!" Santa Claus declared as he made his triumphant entrance. "Why? Because I am here!" He then turned to the Grinch with a defiant grin and pointed a finger at the beast. "And let me tell ya something, brother! Whatcha gonna do when Santa Claus decks the halls all over you?!"

"Santa Claus. We meet again, my old nemesis, for the last time!" the Grinch retorted. "But you are too late! Christmas is over, and the world shall be mine to rule!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it, jack!" Santa roared while preparing a mighty punch. "JINGLE BELL ROCK!" The punch connected, aiming straight at the Grinch's groin and causing him to rocket hundreds of feet into the air as the song continued. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids. I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

"Honey, you're alright!" Jessica cried as she raced into her husband's arms to welcome him back. "I was so worried!"

"It's okay, sweetheart. Looks like you were holdin' down the fort just fine." Santa replied with a toothy smile while offhandedly smacking Max into a wall before looking at the Pines family and friends. "And remember, Santamaniacs, always be nice and true to yourselves!"

"Can I sit on your lap later?" Tyrone asked in awe of Good Saint Nick's sheer awesomeness. "You're even more badass in person than I thought you would be!"

"Anything for a good little boy like you, brother. Ho ho ho!" Santa let out his trademark laugh as he discovered the Grinch returning to the Earth with a ferocious roar. "Looks like that seasick crocodile ain't down for the count yet. If we stop him together, you're all on this year's nice list!"

"Canti, bat me!" Dipper exclaimed, ordering Canti to spit out the Gibson Flying V and 1967 model Mustang to give to him and Gwen. "We should really get you a guitar of your own, Gwen."

"You'll be surprised what I got you for Christmas." Haruko smirked before jumping up and swinging her Rickenbacker into the Grinch's face. "You want some, Grinchy?! Come and get some!"

"FOR CHRISTMAS!" Mabel yelled as Dipper, Gwen, Jinyu, Krampus, and Canti leaped into direct action against the Grinch while everyone else handled his guard dog.

"I'm making a list I'm always checking twice, who knows who's naughty and who knows who's nice?" Santa's theme song continued as the fight against the Grinch for the fate of Christmas raged on. "I'm so full of milk and cookies; I'm shaking like jelly, but I got rock-hard abs on my big fat belly!"

"Finally, a chance to use this bad boy!" Krampus grinned while revealing the birch branches hidden within his cloak before turning to Santa. "What do you say, Claus? Just like old times?"

"You really came all the way out here to save little old me?" Santa asked before nervously scratching his beard. "Um, I am terribly sorry for what I said to you all those years ago."

"I'm sorry for taking things a little too far." Krampus replied just as awkwardly before sticking a clawed hand out. "Ready to patch things up?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Santa accepted and shook hands with his old partner. "Now then, you take the Grinch from behind; I'll take him from the front!"

"Oh please, I can take all of him on my own!" the Krampus bragged before jumping up and birching the Grinch across the face. "Hey, I think those kids might need some help." He pointed towards Tyrone, Arnold, Juan, Jorge, Imelda, Abby, and Ezra, all running from Max while Ian and Leia tried to fight him off. "Best get to that."

"Nice doggy, nice three-headed, flesh-eating doggy!" Arnold yelled in terror while carrying Stan Jr. in his arms. "Tyrone, what do we do?! Neither of us can kick butt like Gwen can!"

"I think I know what to do," Tyrone stated. "Which of you is good at jumping up and down and generally being real annoying?"

"Our time has come," Juan said as he and Jorge turned to face Max. "Hey Pongo! Yeah, we're talking to you, Bluey!" he taunted the three-headed guard dog by smacking his butt and flipping him off. "You're not so tough; you're just in heat and need to get spayed and neutered!" Unfortunately, that just made Max angrier. "Okay, this was a bad idea."

"Tyrone, this better be part of the plan!" Jorge said as the Ramirez brothers began running for their lives. Suddenly, however, Haruko's Vespa and Jinyu's Bel Air came charging into the mountain and ran straight into Max's three heads, knocking the giant dog out cold.

"Thought you boys needed some help." Santa said while handing Haruko and Jinyu back their keys. "Now then, to finish these two naughty boys off once and for all! Everybody, together!"

"You got it, Santa!" Dipper said while readying his Mustang while Canti produced a Gibson EB-0. "Ready, Gwen?"

"Ready, Dad." Gwen replied before she, her father, Haruko, Jinyu, and Canti all jumped into the air with guitars ready to attack. "ALRIGHT!"

"WHAT?!" the Grinch yelled before he was struck on the head so hard that he was sent packing down a hole to the darkest, coldest depths of the Antarctic.

"CHRISTMAS LUNCHTIME!" Dipper, Gwen, Haruko, and Jinyu all yelled together as the Grinch was sent down to his new prison while he tried in vain to escape as the theme song climaxed. "I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of all the kids. I am a real Father Christmas, fight for the joy of every girl and boy!"

"You may have won this time, Santa Claus, but I will have my revenge next Christmas!" the Grinch yelled angrily at Santa. "And every single Christmas after that! Mark my wo-" His vow of revenge was interrupted when Krampus stabbed him in the hand with his birch rod, causing the Grinch to fall further into the giant hole while Max's unconscious body was shoved in after him by Juan and Jorge.

"And we'll be there." Krampus declared before turning to Santa. "Shall we, Nick?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Santa smirked while creating a pair of mandalas around his hands and casting an ancient spell to seal the Grinch away forever. Only this time, the Krampus was there to help him out. "Now, Grinch, begone!"

"CUUUURSES!" the Grinch screamed angrily as he was sealed away, never to threaten Christmas again. Once the dust finally settled, Santa sat down to rest, giving Tyrone the perfect opportunity to finally sit in his lap.

"It's even better than I thought it would be." Tyrone whispered in sheer wonder and excitement while everyone around him laughed, only for Dipper to make a shocking realization.

"OMG, it's midnight!" Dipper yelled while looking at his watch. "It's Christmas morning already, and Santa still hasn't delivered his presents! What do we do?!"

"Not to worry, Dipper, I have a plan for everything!" Santa laughed jollily as he got up, with Tyrone still wrapping his legs around his thighs. "I just need my sleigh!"

"Yeah, funny you should mention that." Uno declared as he finally woke up. "The sleigh got repossessed after you got arrested."

"Aw, nutcrackers." Santa groaned in disappointment before he got an idea. "You there, girl!" he bellowed while pointing to Jinyu. "Would you be willing to lend me your sweet car for the night?"

"I'd be more than happy to." Jinyu nodded in delight. "But now we just need to find some reindeer."

"I volunteer as Rudolph!" Haruko exclaimed while changing her sexy Santa dress to a sexy reindeer costume, complete with a red nose. "Now we just need to find the rest." Everyone then turned to stare at Dipper.

"Why is everyone looking at me like that?" Dipper asked, not knowing what was happening next.

--

"This is utterly humiliating." Dipper groaned as he, Gwen, Stan, Ford, Tyrone, and Ian were made into more of Santa's makeshift reindeer to pull Jinyu's Bel Air across the world, complete with Santa's sack of toys in the back.

"Hey, we're short on time here; we might as well make the most of what we got." Krampus replied as he sat right next to Santa. "Now then, shall we?"

"We shall." Santa said before he began chanting. "On Haruko, on Canti, on Dipper and Gwen!" he called as the Bel-Air lifted into the air. "On Stanley, on Stanford! On Tyrone and Ian!"

"I got to sit on the real Santa's lap and pull his sleigh!" Tyrone yelled excitedly. "That girl at school with the crush on the cute teenage boy version of Jack Frost is going to be so jealous!"

"To the top of the mountain and back to Gravity Falls!" Santa yelled before the impromptu sleigh took off with Haruko surfing on her Rickenbacker leading the way. "Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

"You still got it, old friend." Uno smirked serenely as the gang helped Santa make his rounds across the world. From the United States to Mexico, Japan, Canada, Australia, Iceland, and even Germany. No child was left ungifted by the jolly old elf and his new friends, and Krampus was more than happy to deliver a few presents himself.

Soon, it was time to return everyone to Gravity Falls so they could go to bed for the night and be all ready for Christmas morning. Once the Bel Air touched down in front of the Mystery Shack, Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, and all their friends were already on the verge of falling asleep from spending the night helping Santa.

"Thanks for dropping us off, dude." Dipper said while carrying his dozing daughter in his arms. "So, what are you going to do now?"

"Well, first off, I'm probably going to get my sleigh back and explain everything to the authorities." Santa laughed nervously. "And second, you better leave out some milk and cookies because you'll never know when I'll return with your presents!"

"In that case, I should probably be heading home to Mother." Ezra said as he prepared to leave the Shack. "She is not going to believe what I've been through tonight."

"See you soon, my little gingerbread man," Leia said before bringing Ezra in for a goodnight kiss. "Yippie-kay-yay."

"Yeah, we should all just turn in for the night. I'm beat!" Soos said as the Ramirezes said goodbye to the Pines. "Good night, dudes, and Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, Soos," Dipper said as he and Wendy said their goodbyes to Mabel, Pacifica, and Arnold when he felt Haruko tapping him on the shoulder. "Need anything, Haruko?"

"Can you do me and Jinyu a solid and let us crash with you for the night?" Haruko asked Dipper.

"What, don't you guys have a place to live or something?" Wendy asked back. "Is the car not good enough?"

"Actually, we are considering buying a home here." Jinyu revealed. "Though it might have to wait until after Christmas."

"Besides, I got a bitchin' New Year's party planned too!" Haruko revealed. "Come on, please?" she asked again, putting on puppy dog eyes and batting her eyelashes.

"Okay, fine." Dipper caved into Haruko's demands. "Just don't make a mess of things. I worked very hard on decorating the house." He then turned to Krampus. "Hey, Krampus, thanks for all the help tonight."

"No, no, no, thank you for getting me and Santa back together." Krampus declared with an arm around his old friend. "You Pines really are something else."

"The pleasure's all ours." Gwen said sleepily to Krampus. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, kiddo." Krampus responded before turning to Santa. "Can I say it? Can I?!"

"Ho-ho-go right on ahead, Krampy." Santa declared, making Krampus's eyes sparkle before he took a deep breath.

"Merry Christmas to all!" the Krampus yelled for everyone to hear as he ran off into the dark Oregon forest. "And to all, a good night!"

--

"Good night, Gwen. Good night, Tyrone," Dipper said goodnight to his kids once the Pines-Corduroy family returned home.

"Good night, Dad." Gwen and Tyrone replied.

"Good night Haruko, good night Jinyu." Dipper added for the Vespa Twins.

"Good night Takkun." Haruko responded.

"Good night, children." Jinyu said as she walked towards the kids' bedroom, dressed in some spare flannel pajamas Wendy had loaned her. She soon found Gwen and Tyrone sleeping in Tyrone's bed while Haruko took over Gwen's bed. "Raharu called dibs?"

"You're welcome to sleep with us if you want." Gwen said while Tyrone was utterly knocked out with Waddles II in his arms. Jinyu smiled and shrugged her shoulders before walking in to give Gwen a good night kiss.

"Merry Christmas, Gwennie." Jinyu said to her surrogate niece before preparing to leave. "I wonder if they have a guest room."

"Onee-chan, can you sleep with me tonight?" Haruko, dressed in a sweatshirt and tight black pants, asked for Jinyu, causing the Jazzmaster player to turn around and see the Vespa Woman pouting and making puppy eyes at her. "You wouldn't want your dear baby sister to feel so lonely on Christmas?"

Jinyu let out a sigh before walking towards Gwen's bed. "Okay, make some room, imoto." Once Jinyu had climbed into bed, she was immediately spooned from behind by her other half, who then started meowing. "Merry Christmas, Haruko."

"Merry Christmas, Jinyu." Haruko replied. It was funny, Jinyu thought. When she first came into being fifteen years ago after another failed attempt of Haruko's to catch Atomsk, the two of them were naturally opposed to each other regarding their feelings towards the Pirate King. Haruko selfishly wanted Atomsk's power for herself, while Jinyu believed that Atomsk should be free to roam the universe. But thanks to the positive influence of the Pines family and their Gravity Falls friends, the two women were practically sisters now. And Jinyu wouldn't trade it for the world.

--

At long last, Christmas morning had arrived, and with it, Santa had left presents under the tree for the Pines family and their friends as thanks for all the help last night. Once Gwen and Tyrone woke up, their parents were already planning to meet with the others at the Mystery Shack to exchange gifts and enjoy each other's company at the most wonderful time of year.

"Wow, new journals, thanks Mabel." Dipper smiled after unwrapping a set of blank journals gifted to him by his twin sister before handing her a gift from him. "And here's a little something from you."

Mabel unwrapped her present, revealing an expansive knitting kit from her brother. "Oh my gosh, I love this!" she squealed in delight before hugging Dipper tight. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Oh, Gwennie, you will never guess what I got you!" Haruko said in a sing-song voice while presenting what was clearly a guitar wrapped in 'FLCL' wrapping paper. Gwen took the guitar and unwrapped her present to reveal a pink RC Rich Bich inside. "You like? It's the same bat you used to fight me with."

"Thank you." Gwen smiled before sitting down and trying to play the Rich Bich. Much to her dismay, she wasn't quite the guitar player that the Vespa Twins were. "I think I might need some practice."

"Understatement of the century." Haruko snarked while looking over her shoulder at Tyrone geeking out over what Jinyu got him for Christmas.

"Awesome, my own Power Pole!" Tyrone squealed in delight while extending his new staff to poke Canti in the shoulder while Abby covered the Medical Machine in stickers. "Thanks, Jinyu!"

"You're very welcome, Tyrone." Jinyu smiled before she suddenly received her present from Mabel. "What are these?"

"Dipper and I got you matching cheesy sweaters!" Mabel exclaimed while Jinyu looked down at the goofy bee design on her sweater, which she noticed was on Haruko's sweater as well. "Please say you like it. I worked very hard on it."

"I don't hate it if that's good enough." Haruko admitted before she suddenly realized she got Jinyu a present as well. She wheeled in a blue Vespa scooter just like her own, but instead of the 'P!' symbol on Haruko's, there was a 'J!' symbol. "Here, in case your old piece of junk finally breaks down."

"I'm touched, Raharu." Jinyu flatly stated while reaching behind her back with a present for Haruko. "Which reminds me, for Christmas, I shall give you the gift of Atomsk."

"YOU REALLY MEAN IT?!" Haruko screamed with joy while a flowery background appeared behind her. "OMG, YOU ARE THE BEST SISTER EVER!" But instead of the Pirate King in a cage, Haruko got a book. "What the hell is this?"

"Atomsk by Cordwainer Smith." Jinyu answered with a smirk, making Haruko turn red with uncontrollable rage. "Like the pun?"

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'RE THE WORST SISTER EVER!" Haruko screamed as she leaped at her smirking other half and beat her senseless with her Rickenbacker. "I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

"Wow, they really have become like siblings." Dipper grinned amusedly at Haruko's fury before he felt someone tap on his shoulder. Turning around, Dipper found Wendy wearing nothing but a sling bikini made of gift bows with a tag saying 'For Dipper' nested between her cleavage. "Oh geez."

"Pacifica and I thought you and Mabel deserved something a little special today." Wendy said seductively while Pacifica stood beside her in the exact same outfit, except her tag said 'For Mabel' on it. "Why don't the four of us go somewhere more private?"

"Oh, Simone!" Mabel laughed goofily before their wives dragged the Pines twins away, past Arnold resting his feet in a home spa bath that he got as part of a kit he received from his mothers.

"Finally, some peace and quiet." Arnold sighed contentedly before he heard a loud kick at the door followed by Santa bellowing, "HO HO HO!"

"Santa!" Everybody in the living room yelled as Santa stepped into the Mystery Shack with Mrs. Claus and Uno by his side.

"What brings you back to Gravity Falls, Saint Nicholas?" Ford asked as he received a ticket to an all-expenses paid trip to a senior citizens' resort in Palo Alto.

"I just thought I'd pop on by to say thanks for clearing my name." Santa laughed. "Now then, what did you all get for Christmas this year?"

"I got a new fez." Stan answered Santa while holding a fez that said 'NUMBER ONE GREAT UNCLE' on it. "But since I'm dead, I probably won't need it." He then placed the fez on Junior's head. "Here, for when you have your own great niece and nephew someday."

Meanwhile, Ian and Leia were busy inspecting a large wooden crate with a gift bow on the lid. "What could be so big that it needed to be kept in a crate?" Leia asked while scratching her chin.

"Well, let's open it and find out," Ian said before opening the crate with a crowbar, revealing a man and a woman inside it. "Whoa, are you-"

"Where am I, who are you people, where's my family?!" Christopher Nolan yelled in terror upon being let out of the crate when he discovered someone had been packed in with him. "Wait, Greta?"

"Christopher?" Greta Gerwig asked as she crawled out after Chris. "I'm happy you want to spend the holidays together with me, but this isn't what I thought."

"Wait, did I just get two of the most beloved visionary directors of all time as my filmmaking mentors?!" Ian yelled in delight before hugging the two. "This is the best Christmas ever!"

"Merry Christmas, dear viewers." TJ of TJ and the Wombat announced on the radio. "This is TJ."

"And the Wombat!" the Wombat added.

"Coming to you with some last-minute Christmas news." TJ stated. "Police all over the country are searching for the missing Christopher Nolan and Greta Gerwig, who have been reported abducted from their homes last night by strange little men." Uno then abruptly turned off the radio with a nervous laugh.

"Not the first time someone's been kidnapped on Christmas. Remember what happened to Kevin Bacon?" Soos commented before the Mystery Shack got some more guests in the form of Candy & Ezra, Aiko, Masurao, Eye Patch & Amarao, Kanda, Kitsurubami, and a strange homeless man that just wandered into the Shack. "Uh, can I help you, dude?"

"Son, is that you?" the homeless man asked in wonder, making Soos's eyes widen in alarm at the thought of his dad finally meeting him face-to-face after so many years. "It's been so long. I just ran out to get milk."

"I can't believe it, it's really you!" Soos laughed when he began to realize something. "Wait a second, you're not my dad! He would never show up to anything in person!"

"I'll be honest. I just wandered into the nearest place to get something to eat." The man replied. "Mind if I crash here and celebrate with you guys?"

"Sure, the more the merrier!" Soos replied while shaking the old man's hand. "Come on in. We're already unwrapping presents."

While Jorge gave Melody some Hoo-Haw the Owl merchandise as his present, Juan finally gave Aiko the sunhat he bought yesterday. "You would not believe what happened last night." Juan declared. "I helped the Krampus save Christmas from the Grinch!"

"Wait, the Krampus?!" Aiko laughed while trying on the hat. "You're so silly!" She then put the hat down to hide her and Juan kissing each other. "So embarrassing."

"Buncha lovesick dorks." Leia chuckled as she leaned on her new punching bag before noticing Ezra standing under the mistletoe. "You wouldn't!"

"Come here and be my little Christmas angel, neo salanghaneun babo." Ezra smirked before sneaking a glance at his wingman Tyrone, using his new power pole to hang the mistletoe over the teens' heads.

"They make a pretty nice couple." Juan commented on the romantic sight before them. "I call dibs on best man for their wedding!"

"No fair, I called dibs first!" Jorge said before the brothers engaged in a pathetic slap fight that was quickly interrupted by Imelda, wearing some earmuffs, to bestow her brothers their gifts. "No way, look at this, bro!"

"All the ridiculous clothes and hair dye we could ever want!" Juan added. "Hey, you wanna be my personal Barbie doll?"

"Not if I make you my Ken." Jorge laughed. "Okay, that sounds pretty weird out of context."

"Ah, just what I wanted." Imelda declared while relaxing with her earmuffs to block out the chattering of her family and friends and the faint squeaking and moaning coming from upstairs.

Meanwhile, the Krampus watched the merriment from outside the Mystery Shack with a sad smile. Though he had helped save Christmas from the Grinch and made amends with Santa Claus, he still doubted that he would be allowed to join due to his reputation. "Well, Merry Christmas, you guys." He sighed as he prepared to leave. "Back to doing what I do best?"

"Leaving so soon, Krampus?" Santa asked as he opened the front door while Abby and Stan Jr. stood by him. "Come along now, don't keep us waiting!"

"Wait, are you seriously letting me in?" the Krampus asked hopefully while Dipper and Mabel walked downstairs with messy hair, lipstick all over their faces, and miscellaneous adult fluid stains on their clothes. "I mean, I did help save the holidays."

"Yeah, it just ain't Christmas if someone's left out of the festivities." Dipper said as he offered a hand. "So what do you say, care to join in?"

And it was here in Gravity Falls they say that the Krampus's heart grew three sizes that day. With eyes so merry and a smile so bright, Krampus jumped for joy as he joined the party inside. Abby and Stan Jr. were so overblown that their favorite uncle Krampy wouldn't be so alone. With a tear in his eye and a smile in his heart, Krampus replied by saying, "I'm just so happy that I played a part."

--

"Okay, everyone, all together now for the big family photo!" Uno exclaimed later that day as the gang got together in the floor room for Christmas dinner, now joined by extended members of the Pines, Corduroys, Ramirezes, whatever Northwests Pacifica didn't disown, and the ghosts of Soos's abuelita and Waddles. After nearly dying from being turned into Max's dog toy, the elf struggled to stand up on his crutches while behind the camera. "Now then, Haruko, I need you to move a little to the left. No, no, my left. No, my other left."

"There's no such thing as your other left, just take the damn picture already!" Haruko yelled before everyone heard a bunch of angry tree demons bust down the wall.

"Oh no, not you guys again!" Dipper groaned in disappointment while arming himself with the Mustang. "Gwen, get your Rich Bich!"

"What are those things?!" Dipper and Mabel's father Alex yelled while hiding under the dinner table. "Is this what you guys got up to every summer?!"

"Welcome to Gravity Falls, Dad!" Mabel laughed as she joined the fight against the rogue tree demons. "FOR TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!" The Christmas dinner quickly turned into chaos as all the Pines members, both blood-related, in-laws, and spiritual family, joined in on the fight against the tree demons to save their holiday. But in the middle of the madness, Stan Junior sat happily on Krampus's lap with a Santa hat on his head.

"Look, Junior," Krampus said while pointing to Santa performing an Atomic Leg Drop on an unfortunate tree demon. "it's said that every time Santa throws some hands, an angel gains its wings."

"God bwess us evewyone." Stan Junior declared.

"Shut that door!" Stan abruptly yelled as he closed the front door. Outside the Mystery Shack, the rhyming narrator from the cold open was still on fire and running around, screaming for someone to put him out. He was then crushed by a tree demon being thrown out the window and landing on him, setting the monster tree on fire as well.

THE END

In Loving Memory of Andre Braugher (July 1, 1962-December 11, 2023)

"Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place."

- Captain Raymond Holt

--

And that's the Fooly Falls Christmas special, my last story for the year in honor of the 20th anniversary of FLCL's first airing on American television. Thank you all for sticking with me throughout 2023 as we look forward to what's to come in 2024. Hopefully I can actually get some new stuff out in addition to reviving stories I've kept hanging on by a thread for months on end. And before we go, allow me to bestow upon ye the Japanese voice cast for the Fooly Falls 2 kids and all the Christmas characters shown here.

Gwen Pines: Eri Kitamura (Cana Alberona, Juri Han, Juliet Starling, Mina Ashido, Sayaka Miki)

Tyrone Pines: Saori Hayami (Ruby Rose, Yor Forger, Fubuki, Anya Hepburn)

Arnold Pines: Yuki Kaji (Eren Yeager, Koichi Hirose, Hope Estheim, Speed'o'Sound Sonic, Shoto Todoroki)

Ian Ramirez: Kazuya Nakai (Roronoa Zoro, Mugen, Wakka, Travis Touchdown)

Leia Ramirez: Ami Koshimizu (Yang Xiao Long, Kallen Kozuki, Sailor Jupiter, Ryuko Matoi)

Juan Ramirez: Kappei Yamaguchi (Usopp, Inuyasha, Shigekiyo Yangu, L, Teddie)

Jorge Ramirez: Jun'ya Enoki (Yuji Itadori, Pannacotta Fugo, Shu Kurenai)

Imelda Ramirez: Tomoyo Kurosawa (Aiko, Sothis, Rebecca)

Abby & Stan Jr. Ramirez: Aoi Yuki (Tsuyu Asui, Futaba Sakura, Madoka Kaname, Lucyna Kushinda)

Ezra Chiu: Tomokazu Sugita (Joseph Joestar, Gintoki Sakata, Ragna the Bloodedge, Yusuke Kitagawa)

And featuring the voices of….

The Krampus: Dan Castellaneta (Homer Simpson, The Robot Devil, The Genie)/Koichi Yamadera (Spike Spiegel, Beerus, Togusa, Inspector Zenigata)

Santa Claus: Christopher Sabat (Vegeta, Piccolo, Roronoa Zoro, All Might)/Kenta Miyake (All Might, Muhammad Avdol, Scar)

Jessica Claus: Candi Milo (Madame Foster, Granny)/Kikuko Inoue (Hinae Hibijiri, Lust, I-No, Shuuko Komi, Salem, Minerva Orland, Lady Dimitrescu)

Uno: Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker, The Joker, Fire Lord Ozai, The Skeleton King)/Kazuhiko Inoue (Ozpin, Angeal Hewley, Gildarts Clive, Kakashi Hatake, Kars)

The Grinch: Fred Tatasciore (The Hulk, Soldier 76, Buff Frog, AAARRRGGHH!)/Taiten Kusonoki (E-123 Omega, Captain Leonard Burns, Goliath, Heihachi Mishima)

Rhyming Narrator: Jim Broadbent (Malcolm Claus, Horace Slughorn, Mr. Gruber, Madame Gasket)/Joji Nakata (Alucard, Albert Wesker, Doomfist, Diethard Reid, Hody Jones, Luxord, Sojiro Sakura, Sol Badguy)

Now, could this result in a whole spin-off series where Gwen, Tyrone, Arnold, and all their friends have further adventures in Gravity Falls with Haruko and Jinyu? I don't know yet, but I do have an entire post credits scene written out showing at least thirteen possible episodes of said spin-off, but that will have to wait. Maybe I could post it on Christma as a gift for all my loyal readers. Anyways, from all of me to all of you, have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a kwazy Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn and dignified Ramadan. See you in 2024 for the adventures of Rick and Haruko!

[twstchaos]

What are some mishaps some of your ocs have gotten themselves into during alchemy class?

Hihi~

Mmm, potion mishaps, my favorite genre of twst comedy!!!

During a joint class, Sumana and Bouquette got bumped into and got a transformation potion spilled on to them. What type of transformation potion? A mermaid transformation potion~ And this accident was created solely because I felt wronged that ch3 was not the mermaid adventure I was hoping it would be.

Not technically a potion mishap because it was completely intentional, but Bouquette may have slipped Riddle a personality-changing potion solely because I wanted an excuse to write bad boy Riddle.

And now the problem child Missy. She has not one, but two, potion mishaps. The first being ye olde she becomes a baby, inspired by Mintmoth's doodles of Baby Kalim, and the second being a Freaky Friday situation with @twstwhisper's René. Honestly, there may be many other potion mishaps that happened to her that I may be forgetting.

Thanks for the question!!!

A bit of a drabble I wrote a long time ago~

Missy will always be a dumbass, but this was probably the dumbest thing she did in her whole entire life…and she had done some very dumb things. A handful of the first years were having a joint alchemy remedial lesson, and chaos was bound to happen. First with Epel complaining about his eyes stinging while he chose to wear his safety goggles on his head. Second with Ace and Deuce roughhousing…as per usual. Third with Roche doing Roche things. But, Missy’s dumbassery really did take the cake during this class period though. 

Epel slowly mixed the mysterious and sparkling liquid, squinting as the potion’s fumes continued to burn his eyes. Missy was mesmerized by the changing colors. 

“You ever wonder what this tastes like?” She looked into the cauldron. Her head was scarily close to the bubbling liquid. 

“No, can’t say that I have.” Epel mindlessly stirred the potion, dropping in random ingredients. 

“I wanna just…” Missy’s head inched closer. 

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Sebek yelled, grabbing the back of her collar and yanking her head away from the questionable substance. 

“ACK! Sebek, what was that about?” Missy pouted. 

“Your gremlin is coming out~” Ace teased. 

“You were about to touch the potion, so I stopped you.” Sebek said before focusing back on his potion. 

“I wasn’t gonna do anything stupid.” She most definitely was. “I was just asking if—“ Her face was again just barely hovering above the potion Epel was mixing. “—you ever thought—“ Even closer. “—about tasting it.” Her tongue dipped into the forbidden soup. 

Epel just watched her in shock. 

“Oh my go—what the fuck—AHHHHHH!” He freaked the fuck out, dropping the mixing spoon to pull Missy away from the potion. All eyes were on them as Missy crinkled her nose. 

“Eww. Tastes gross.” And then, she was enveloped in a puff of smoke. 

“MISSY!” Epel screamed, fanning at the smoke to blow it away. In her place sat a toddler…a toddler version of Missy. 

Professor Crewel sighed as he picked up the babified Missy.

“You chaotic pup.” The teacher shook his head. “Mr. Zigvolt, take Ms. Chievous back to Diasomnia.” Without a response, Sebek took Missy from Professor Crewel and left with the babbling child in his arms. 

“The rest of you, I expect you to clean up your equipment quickly and quietly.” The professor turned to Epel. “And you, Mr. Felmier, will assist me as punishment in making the antidote, seeing as you watched as she tasted the potion.” Crewel cracked his crop. 

—

“Now, you stay put, lil’ Missy, as I make you a snack~” Lilia was taking complete advantage of Missy being turned into a toddler to baby her to his heart’s content. 

Just as Lilia turned his back to cook something horrendous for the little girl, Missy disappeared from her seat, accidentally using her teleportation magic that Lilia himself taught her. 

“I’m baAAAAACK!” Lilia dropped the plate of horrible sludge, searching frantically for the missing baby. 

—

Missy pattered around the halls of the dorm, coming to rest at the fountain of Scarabia. She crawled upon on the edge, splashing her hand in the cool water. The rippling water mesmerized the little girl as she leaned over and over and over.

SPLASH!

Jamil rushed at the sound. 

“Kalim, you better no—“ He gawked, staring at the sight of a small child crying in the fountain. Messy lavender hair? Bright green eyes? Annoying and whiny voice? Yup, this was the gremlin that he had unfortunately grown attached to but as a toddler. 

Jamil sighed, picking her up out of the water. 

“Why is it that whenever there is a problem, you’re at the center of it?” He cradled her in his arms, bringing her back to the dorm proper to dry her off and change her out of the soaked clothes. Jamil sent René a text which was met with no reply.

(May get around to finishing it later)

[shinra33459]

I.M.P. with a fighter pilot SO

I’m BAAAAAACK, and giving Helluva Boss a shot at writing :3

Blitzo

One day he was on an airbase, snooping around for one of his targets that was just some random serviceman. He was peeking in and out of the hangars, looking for the target, and he encountered you.

You saw the imp and instantly drew your pistol on him as you were standing next to your jet. Instead of reacting with violence, he decided to charm you with his sense of humor.

Once he managed to deescalate the situation, he made a break for it and escaped, calling off the assassination as he was compromised in the middle of a military base.

A week later, he used the grimoire to visit you in your barracks room. You were surprised, but he kept the situation light, cracking jokes and being as funny as he could. From there you two hit it off quite easily.

He always pesters you about using your jet to help him in assassinations, but you refuse every time; you weren’t going to use a government fighter jet and level entire buildings or even city blocks to help him kill one random civilian.

After so much pressuring, you decided to take him on a flight with you in your jet. Deciding to show off and to be a bit of an ass, you pulled the most aggressive acrobatics your jet could do. He passed out from the G-forces a few times, and when you landed, he vomited.

He never admits his fears to you, but the thought of you either getting shot down, or getting in a crash terrifies him more than anything. You getting KIA is enough to keep him from sleeping sometimes.

The only time where you used your jet to help him was when he and the rest of I.M.P. were in a life-or-death situation. They were in a massive gunfight with the D.H.O.R.K.S and were heavily outnumbered and outgunned.

Remembering an authenticated code you told him, Blitzo hacked into the comms to your airbase and gave the code, authorizing a fire support mission, and you were scrambled to help them.

In minutes you were on the scene, and in the air, loaded up with several air-to-ground munitions. You dropped your JDAMs onto the agents, killing most of them, and you finished off the stragglers with your jet’s guns. From the ground Blitzo made a heart shape with his tail and waved at you dreamily.

Moxxie

You encountered the thespian imp sneaking around on the aircraft carrier you were stationed on, just underneath the flight deck. When you saw him, you attempted to capture him, only for him to knock you out with the butt of his rifle.

He killed the captain of the carrier who was his contract. And in a flash, was gone. No trace of the killer, no evidence was left behind, nothing. Just a dead Navy officer, and a pilot with some mild head trauma.

You woke up in the sick bay, nursing a moderate concussion. Military police questioned you, but you couldn’t recollect what your assailant looked like.

A few days later, he felt guilty for hurting you, so he showed up in the sick bay to visit you with some flowers from Hell and a card wishing you to get better. Due to his kindness and remorse, he became your friend.

Once he learned that you were a fighter pilot, the questions were never-ending. He was always asking you about previous missions and even technical questions about your jet.

One day, you had enough of his questions, and decided to take him for a flight, so he could see it for himself. You didn’t pull any aerial acrobatics, instead, you showed him the world from far above at high altitudes. After this, he confessed he had feelings for you, and you kicked it off from there.

Moxxie was never worried about your safety, he knew that you were a skilled pilot and capable of holding your own. That was until one day. You told him you were being deployed, and he got extremely nervous.

On one of your missions, you got shot down into the wilderness. You set up your rescue beacon and waited for days and days for a rescue that never came.

After not getting any communication from you in over a week, his anxiety kicked into overdrive. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. He used the grimoire and went to the living world, searching for you at your last known coordinates.

He found you in a cave, alive, but messed up badly. You had several wounds and several bandages on you. Knowing that lack of action meant that you would die, he took you back with him to Hell, nursing your injuries and making sure his personal fighter ace was well.

Millie

Her first encounter with you was when you managed to kill her target before her. She was after some terrorist in the Middle East, and you blew him up before she could even get to him.

Letting curiosity get the better of her, she found herself heading to the nearest airbase to check out who did it. No ill will intended, she just wanted to meet you.

Lo and behold, she found you. The sight of the redneck imp made you feint as you came to the realization that Hell was real. Upon awaking, she was still there, and struck up a conversation with you. You made a good friend pretty quickly.

She would always go on a little detour on areas where you were deployed over the course of a few months, always visiting you after I.M.P. would finish a contract. She loved catching up with you and getting to know you better.

You two always had competitions, like who could beat the other in a sparring match in the ring, or who could shoot the other down in a combat simulator. You were very competitive, and so was she.

Millie loved a man who was as competitive as her, and by all that is unholy, she fell for you hard after this. She confessed her feelings soon after, and you reciprocated, getting yourself a lovely girlfriend.

Seeing you in action, she was never worried about you getting hurt or anything like that. You were pretty capable in a scrap for one, and you were pretty much an ace pilot.

One day however, your jet was shot down and you were captured by insurgents. When Millie found out, there was going to be HELL to pay for those insurgents. She organized a rescue mission, and everyone in I.M.P. went along because they were scared of HER.

She and the rest of I.M.P. killed every single one of the terrorists who held you captive. When she got to you, you were hurt pretty badly; you had some broken ribs, an injured back from the ejection, a concussion, and some other cuts and bruises from the torture you were subjected to.

She got you back to your base so you could be treated for your injuries, and she went on one helluva revenge mission. She was going to kill as many of the terrorists from that group that hurt you, and nothing was going to stop her.

Loona

Your first encounter with Loona was pretty drama free. She decided to go to the living world to get away from everyone at the office and relax a bit. She was at a bar in her human disguise.

She ran into you getting some drinks in your dress uniform. Several other pilots were with you, celebrating the retirement of another pilot. You mustered up the courage to talk to the goth girl at the bar, and hit it off pretty well, with her giving you her number.

You texted her back and forth for a few weeks, getting to know her better over everything, some playful flirting and all. She made the first move and asked you to meet her at a park.

You met her at the park in your leather pilot jacket and some jeans. You had a great time there, got some coffee, and got to know her a lot better over time, her even revealing her true form to you, which freaked you out a bit, but you still loved her regardless, and she became your girlfriend.

You took her on-base one day and showed her the jet you flew, and she was impressed. She honestly thought that you being a fighter pilot was really cool and hot.

You never took her into the jet on a flight, but you did buy her tickets to an airshow that you would be performing in. While she was there, she was stunned at how easy you made it look to dance that jet around the sky.

She had some fears of you getting hurt or worse, but she knew that it came with the territory of dating someone in the military. She never let her worries get to her though, and always remained strong for you.

One day during an exercise while you were flying, your jet had a complete hydraulics failure, and you weren’t able to control the plane whatsoever, leading you to eject from the jet, and leaving you with a pretty nasty spinal injury.

When you could, you texted her about it, and she was at the hospital within a few seconds, teleporting herself to you from Hell. She never left your side while you were there, oftentimes staying in the hospital for days.

Once you were better, she took you on a vacation to Hell where you got to meet her work associates and her adoptive father. Everyone there wanted to get ahold of a fighter jet to use for their missions and you’d just roll your eyes whenever they mentioned that.

[agcntmobius-a]

“ kate i am simply ignoring what you’re doing in the hopes that you will ignore me and loki in the inevitable future. “ 

[rosethebookworm]

Safe?

This is my take on what happened when Logan got yanked out of the episode, I just had to write it.

Aka:

Logan finds himself in the dark side of the Mindscape and isn’t quite sure what to make of what he finds there.

Warnings: Remus being himself, (mentions of bloody things etc), Spoilers for the new episode! Mentions of the other sides I guess? (sorry for the long post, I don’t know how to put things under the cut)

.•°°•..•°°•..•°°•..•°•. .•°°•..•°°•..•°°•..•°•. .•°°•.

When Logan was unceremoniously dumped into the ‘dark side’ of the Mindscape, robbed of his tie, and left in darkness, there were several questions that were prominent in his thoughts. The most bothersome of those, however, was what in the world was he standing in.

Lifting up a shoe, it was slightly unnerving to find that it stuck to the floor ever so slightly, and with a faint grimace Logan forced himself to ignore that sensation and instead continued on. He couldn’t stay here in the ‘dark side’ of the Mindscape, even if the others had not been appreciating his information- no, that was an issue to be dealt with at a later date, not when he was currently walking along ground that was unnervingly sticky.

Eventually Logan began to hear what he believed was loud singing, followed by a similarly unsettling thwack of a weapon against flesh, and reluctantly turned his feet towards that direction. Seeing as he was not well versed in the mental map of the ‘dark side’ of the Mindscape, it would be important to find someone who would be at least somewhat helpful in finding his way back to the others. He was not going to think about whether or not they would want him to return, that was not something he was supposed to worry about.

Luckily, his feet stopped sticking to the ground as he came closer to the sounds, instead his feet sinking into soft mud that Logan would argue was objectively better than whatever that previous substance had been made up of.

“Remus!”, Logan called, now close enough to see the green-clad side smashing through what looked like badly rendered figures that somewhat resembled monsters- badly rendered simply because they were so bloodied. His call had caused Remus to pause mid-swipe, and the song to stop, Remus instead letting out a delighted cry and rushing over to Logan as though about to hug him, Logan reflexively stepping back and holding out a hand- he was not in the mood for hugs, he was simply on a mission.

“Come down for a visit? You even lost your tie! That’s a shame because I’d love to use that tie to-“, Remus began, eyes lighting up as he swung around his morningstar in order to emphasize his sentiment- however he was quickly cut off by Logan beginning to speak. It was a little strange to Logan that that had been enough to gain the others attention and listen, whereas the others sides were known for- no, once again, this was not the time nor place to think about the other sides.

“I did not willingly come down here, Remus. Deceit had ah... taken my place, and seemed to think that bringing me here would keep me out of sight. I am looking to return to them in order to offer more context to their moral argument.”, Logan explained, shifting slightly in order to keep his feet from sinking too deeply in the mud.

“You’re leaving so soon?”, instantly Remus’ shoulders sank and his eyes darkened slightly, a strange reaction, at the realization that Logan was just here to leave again.

“Yes? They are in need of my facts, even if they do not realize their necessity to the conversation at hand.”

“They don’t realize- I’m going to kill them! I’m going to crack open their skulls and use all of their squirmy little brains as spaghetti with their eyes as meatballs!”, Remus screeched, his eyes even wider than before as he swung around his morningstar angrily, turning as though he was about to go and rip the spines out of the other sides, before Logans hand on Remus’ shoulder made him freeze.

“Do not bother with that. It would only serve to make them more terrified of you, which would be overwhelmingly damaging to Thomas’ already fragile mental state, and I have enough trouble getting them to listen to me without you overriding their fears.”, Logan cautioned, trying to speed past the fact that the other sides had a frequent problem of ignoring Logans input.

Remus had stilled, morningstar dragging on the ground as he peered at Logans face. It was slightly unnerving to the other, to be studied so closely by someone who was hardly ever seen to be serious.

“Let’s see what they thought of your disappearance then, they couldn’t forget their dearest little glasses wearing dork! Which means-“, Remus quickly changed his pace, sending Logan an alarmingly sharp grin as he threw an arm over the other sides shoulder and gestured to the ceiling, Logan coughing pointedly in order to cut the others words off, causing a raspberry to be blown at him in retaliation.

But strangely, even with the chaotic sides arm around him, Logan did not feel unsafe, in fact it was oddly comforting, not that he would ever admit that.

Waving a hand, the dark sky slowly shimmered into a view of the others- Patton had become a frog? Was this another one of Remus’ strange fantasy’s? A quick look at Remus’ face proved otherwise as the sides face pulled into a displeased one, once again waving his hand and rewinding the images until it was back to when Logan got pulled off of the screen.

Together they watched as Patton, Roman and Thomas continued to argue past Logans Disappearance, not one of them commenting on Logan getting pulled away. Together they watched as the conversation shifted entirely away as Deceit revealed himself and shifted into himself as they all became a video game. Together, as Logan felt his heart drop lower and lower with each passing second, and Remus’ grip on his shoulders became more and more protective.

“I have seen enough. Thank you, Remus.”, Logan finally managed quietly as the others continued to fight, Remus instantly sprinting up and slashing through the screen with his morningstar which brought to mind Romans similar action with his sword from earlier, though this time the action did not displease Logan.

Remus turned back to Logan, and the other was surprised to find his face shinning with tears. ‘Dark Creativity’ crying? That was peculiar, but Logan did not even feel any ounce of curiosity as to why he was upset, instead Logan simply felt numb.

“You’re not going back to them. If they won’t appreciate you, I will.”, Remus growled, and for a moment Logans mind connected the man before him to some sort of attack dog, ready and able to destroy anyone who stood in his way.

“I must return to him. Thomas’ mental health is more important than I am. Besides, I am very used to them not acknowledging me, Remus, that is nothing new. Their... clear absence of concern is... is something I have not witnessed before.”, he mused softly, eyes glancing upwards towards the darkness where the images had been but now only comforting darkness was surrounding them.

Remus growled, clearly not pleased with Logans insistence that he needed to return but he sighed, defeated again by Logan.

“Will you come back? I created this delightful chess set the other day where the pieces have to fight to the death and smash each other into the ground- pure mindless fighting! But maybe you could order the pieces against me? It’s gets more boring than Roman’s rants about Disney to fight against myself.”, Remus asked, something similar to what Logan would call a “puppy dog” look on his face, and for the first time Logan allowed a look of shock to cross his face.

“You want me to teach you how to play chess? Well, if the pieces destroy themselves then I would assume it would be closer to wizards chess which is still objectively fascinating, but still, you would want me to teach you about a variant of chess?”, he questioned, sounding genuinely shocked, something that made Remus’ expression turn to something mischievous- not malicious, oddly enough.

“Well you are a teacher after all! Unless you don’t think you could teach me, maybe I’m too difficult for the little teacher man to tame.”

“I... I will return then, Remus. It would be... mentally stimulating to teach you how to play wizards chess and... perhaps a needed distraction from the days activities.”, Logan acquiesced, and Remus instantly began to celebrate, rushing forward and kissing Logans cheek before continuing his strange dance into the distance, cheering something about getting the board set up with all sorts of fun obstacles.

“Remus I still need a way out-“, the glasses wearing side called out, sounding amusedly exasperated, which surprised himself. Since when was he amused by the others antics?

“Oh! Be sure to tell SnakeShit that he is not welcome home tonight and he has to sleep in the shed with worms and spiders and snails and-“, Remus’ voice faded out as Logan felt himself begin to disappear, the man suddenly coming to the realization that his tie was missing, before subsequently realizing that Remus has thought of that, and once again he had his signature tie on.

“Not that any of you care, but I am unharmed, and I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just here to deliver one last fact, and then I will do you all a favor and spare you my company.”

After the others had been sufficiently schooled, Logan kept to his word and sunk down, back to his room. He was not expecting Remus to have actually meant it, and he was not entirely sure he would be able to sink to the ‘dark side’ of the Mindscape.

However, Logan was greeted with the sight of a mostly clean Remus perched on his pillows, a disappointed look on his face.

“You said you’d come baaaaaack.”, Remus whined, sending a pout Logans way and fingering his morningstar as though tempted to swing it through a wall.

“I- I had not truly thought you would still want me to come, or that I would be able to find you in the da- other side of the Mindscape.”, Logan explained, looking ever so slightly baffled even as Remus beamed, jumped up from the bed and rushed over to grab Logans arm.

“Well why didn’t you just say so instead of standing there like a corpse stuck in concrete! We are gonna have so much fun- I already have the pointy men all set up and ready for us to destroy!”, Remus cheered as the room slowly started to dissolve around them, something that had often been the cause of concern for Logan, especially when Remus’ twin was involved, but strangely was not concerning at all.

“You mean statues, correct? Wizards chess is played with statues of people, not actual people.”, Logan corrected, sounding vaguely exasperated, glancing over at Remus with a raised eyebrow.

“But humans are so much more satisfying to destroy!”

Came the gleeful response as Remus smirked back at him and laughed as the room fully dissolved. However the cackle did not alarm Logan- for a moment as a room melted in around them, revealing a large chessboard with suspiciously human-like pieces, Logan felt safer and more comfortable than he had in a while. Perhaps he would stay down here for some time, the others clearly did not value his input, and Remus was already waiting for his explanation of the game with a strangely endearing expression of interest.

Maybe someone was willing to listen to Logan after all.

[furious-rogue-stuff]

Happyhoganon: Do you think Ma Junior'll be sent to heaven? Also, how would events play out during the Z era without Kami around? Especially if Raditz showed up at the beginning of DBZ?

Well with any of the options above, I think a whole new saga would be spawned pre-DBZ and post-Goku getting married to Chi-Chi where he'd have to deal with the fallout of an "I'm baaaaaack!" Piccolo strutting out to try and finish Goku off in a no-hold's bar battle. Or maybe he does a combo of A and C above? Well with any of the options above, I think a whole new saga would be spawned pre-DBZ and post-Goku getting married to Chi-Chi where he'd have to deal with the fallout of an "I'm baaaaaack!" Piccolo strutting out to try and finish Goku off in a no-hold's bar battle. Or maybe he does a combo of A and C above? Forces King Kai to train him, then gets a day pass to go back to Earth to fight Goku, and it just so happens to be the same day Raditz lands and goes searching for Goku? Since he's already dead, he could go all out against Raditz and maybe tell Goku to go to King Kai's before he dies. Maybe he can even get Baba to pull some strings to keep him on Earth long enough to train Gohan before he yo-yo's back to Otherworld? It would be one hell of a character arc for him, and put more pressure on the Z Fighters to really train and not rely on the dragon balls at all. Or all of this is crack? 😅

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck season 2, episode 1 reaction

we’re baaaaaack

I said I would finish my Skam S3 analyses before I caught up on the remake reactions, and I’m working on the one for 3.10 (the finale), but I also didn’t want to fall behind on another show. So here are some thoughts on Druck’s first week back!

Episode 1

Clip 1 - “Their tongues battled for dominance”

It’s the moment we’ve been waiting for, Druck has come back from the war. And our very first shot is an extreme closeup of some very tongue-oriented kissing, thanks for that. 

Is it Matteo and a girl?

WAIT IS THAT KIKI AND ALEXANDER

HOLY SHIT

I definitely feel like Druck was playing with Skam fans’ expectations here. They know we’re expecting a kiss to open the season, but we’re expecting it to be Matteo and some girl, so Alex and Kiki throws us off. We’re also expecting Alex and Kiki to be completely over by now, not hooking up again - that changes the direction of the season, for sure.

I don’t know how much Mia’s issues will reflect Noora’s, but considering that Noora’s season opens with scandalous sex pics/media, and that it ties into not just what happens with Niko but Noora’s overall issues about sex that are threaded throughout the season, it’s kinda interesting to open with this sloppy kiss for Mia’s season, if she has similar hangups.

The lyrics of the song are on point: 

You're a poison and I know that is the truth All my friends think you're vicious And they say you're suspicious

The other girls watch in horror and befuddlement, like the OG girl squad did with Isak. HI, GIRLS! Lovely to see you again. Sam is the only one who seems not entirely appalled by this coupling.

FUCK FUCK FUCK, Alex drives off in his car with Kiki. Kiki is so eager, staring at him with such wonder. It really makes you feel bad for her, when this dude was such a jerk to her previously! He apologized but he still acted like that! And now she’s back with him. Not great.

I guess this is an unpopular opinion, from what I can tell, but … I like Kiki. Not necessarily as a human being, I completely understand why people find her the least tolerable, meanest Vilde, but something about her character just feels real to me. Like this is a version of Vilde I completely buy as a person I’d meet in real life. Hell, she does remind me of people I’ve met in the past.

Lmao, the camera swivels between each girl, I guess to emphasize the confusion/bafflement in the group. Mia does not get what Kiki sees in him. Amira’s like, he’s hot. Sam’s like, what’s wrong, they’re finally together! Sam, my beautiful girl, they weren’t a sitcom couple. This wasn’t the will-they won’t-they flirtation of the century. They did, and it was a disaster. 

Mia says they’re not a couple, Sam is like … but they spend every night together? This is kind of adorable coming from her, tbh.

Amira points out that Sam spends every night with her camel and Sam’s points out that they’re together! Lmao, I love this bit of continuity. Shout-out to Carmen! 

Mia thinks Alex will drop Kiki once he finds another girl. Well, he probably will, it’ll just be Mia. Amira says, pfft, that’s all western relationships. Mia is like … do you want us all to become lesbians? Mia, there is a segment of your audience who would be completely OK with that.

Mia and Hanna air kiss and I know it’s not gonna happen but by God I wish it would. I’m so apprehensive about how they’ll handle Mia’s sexuality this season, with her smooching Hanna last season to get Axel off her back, but also her being bi via word of God.

Amira says she has to go to prayer. Mia asks whether Amira was just there? Amira says no and leaves. So maybe Amira is doing something else and keeping a secret from the girls? I guess one other possibility is that Mia (a non-Muslim) doesn’t realize how much Muslims are supposed to pray, but I think the first is more likely from a story perspective. Anyway, it’s small but I like little nods to Amira’s religion, things like her mentioning going to pray so it feels like it’s more integrated into her character. 

Sam asks the girls to swing their legs and it’s super cute. It was also an IG story she made, so that’s a nice inclusion. It’s cool when they tie in the clips to actual social media posts (much like how Matteo posted a video of Hanna and Jonas last season that seemed to be taken within the clip itself).

People got seriously fucking mad with this clip, lmao, but honestly, it’s such a big departure from the original that I wasn’t pissed. There’s too much we need to know about how the Kiki/Alexander relationship will play out in the long run before I get angry at what’s happening.

In the credits after the clip, we see a pillow fight scene with the girls. I’m gonna guess that’s maybe a snippet from the Easter cabin episode (or whatever’s taking place of the cabin episode). I wonder if we also got a slumber party scene as a makeup for not getting the full girls’ sleepover in S1? It was just Mia and Kiki.

Clip 2 - Santa Claus is coming

Mia observes their toilet at home at German Kollektivet. It is gross. There’s pee all over the seat, what even looks like a curly hair??? I want to puke. I take it back, I’ll watch Kiki’s and Alex’s tongues for an hour if Druck never shows me anything like this toilet again.

Mia angrily stomps over to the bedroom of German Eskild (Hans) and bangs on the door. German Linn comes up to her, saying Hans has a visitor. Mia explains that Hans peed all over the toilet seat, Linn asks if she should clean it up. Mia says if they always do it for him, he’ll never learn. This is a small moment and not necessarily like, groundbreaking feminist commentary, but it’s why I have some faith in Druck for this season? Mia is adamantly against women cleaning up men’s messes (literally and certainly figuratively). I’m not saying she’s a perfect feminist, but she actually seems like a believable feminist teenage girl, with a lot of feminist principles that seem integrated into her life, which not all of the remakes have captured, imo.

Mia bangs on the door, Hans doesn’t open it, so eventually she does and of course Hans is getting his dick sucked. He’s wearing a Santa hat. There are so many directions you could take this joke that I can’t settle on anything, sorry. 

I will say that I’m pretty sure there are multiple shitty Christmas slasher movies where the killer is driven to hack people up because they spied someone in a Santa costume having sex, and that scarred them for life or whatever, so Hans better watch his back. And clean up the toilet from now on.

Hans makes excuses for his wayward urine, Mia asks him to clean it up. Hans is like, tomorrow! Hans, people are probably going to use the toilet between now and tomorrow. It is not going to take you long to do the bare minimum and spray down some cleaner and then wipe it off.

Uhhhh the other dude who’s putting on his Santa jacket seems kinda cute. Good job, Hans? Except apparently the guy, Michi, is boring and talks too much about Trump, Nazis, refugees, etc. So bringing in those aspects of S2 a little early, which is nice and topical. (But lol @ Mia and Hans talking about how boring this guy is when the door is still open a crack.)

Mia asks why Hans meets with him then, and Hans says it’s because Mia is always in school and who knows what Linn is doing? He was lonely. And by lonely, let’s be real, he means horny. Something neither Mia nor Linn can satisfy for him.

Hans compares Michi to a boomerang: you throw him away but he always comes back. Mia is appalled by this. You all suck! Not “you all” as in gay people, “you all” as in men. Hans is like … well, you’ve got me there! 

I liked that already, this scene ties into the plot thematically. Hans is basically doing the same as Alex, or at least what Mia thinks is happening with Alex. Hans is using Michi for hookups, Alex is using Kiki. Throwing her away, but like a boomerang, she comes back. Mia thinks what Amira said earlier about relationships is right. Guys are awful.

Hans didn’t make the best first impression here, with comparing Michi to a boomerang, and being dismissive of serious political issues, but I mean, this is only his first scene, and it’s not like Eskild’s first appearance revealed too much about him except that he thought Disney was a good fellatio soundtrack.

Clip 3 - Hello, Jotteo

Hanna and Mia walk to school. Mia says that her parents decided to go to Berlin without telling her, and they got into a fight. Her relationship with them is a nonstop cycle of arguing, basically. So Mia is going to do nothing for Christmas, basically, just stay at home and read - which sounds nice, personally, but also probably not that nice when it’s because you’re estranged from your family and have nowhere to go. Hanna is like, not on my watch! She invites Hanna to Christmas Eve with her and her dad. Yay, Hanna’s dad! I liked that guy, I hope we get to see him again.

Jonas and Matteo show up! Interesting because obviously Mia didn’t escape to Hanna’s yesterday to see Hanna and Jonas all snuggled up watching TV and talking about dating (like Noora did).

Hanna and Jonas seem a little awkward together. MY BABES. You still love each other!

Also, these are some fucking stoners, man. Are they high already? It’s like 8 in the morning. School hasn’t even started. They’re like, we have to go take a biology test! They’re laughing like this is the funniest shit ever. 

Mia asks if Hanna has talked with him lately. Hanna is like, “Jonas?” at first, and I can’t wait to hear how that relationship is going (or not going) but Mia meant Matteo. Hanna has no idea how she’d bring up that they found porn on Matteos’ phone and that they think he’s crushing on Jonas. Mia is like, just drop in a subtle hint, like asking if he watches Queer Eye! Lmao, Mia, have you seen Matteo’s hair and wardrobe? Bless him, because I love this messy, perpetually stoned version of Isak, but if he’s watching Queer Eye he’s sure as fuck not taking inspiration from it.

Hanna says she and Matteo don’t have much contact lately, because of Jonas. It’s not working out just being friends and he doesn’t seem willing to give as much on his end. Mia asks if Jonas has a new girlfriend, Hanna says no, that they promised to tell each other when that happens. Something tells me that isn’t going to go so smoothly this season. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jonas gets a girlfriend but Hanna doesn’t hear about it from him. I mean, Eva didn’t hear about Jonas being with another girl straight from him, and they were on much better terms than Hanna and Jonas (superficially, at least).

Mia seems doubtful, too. I’m sure her current “Men are the worst” attitude isn’t making her more optimistic.

Clip 4 - Mia vs. Alex in class

Mia is in class. Kiki’s sitting next to her; Alexander is on the opposite side of the room; because he got held back, they’re in the same grade. Mia looks to him. I will note that Alexander does a kind of laugh to himself before he looks up, so maybe he sensed that Mia was scoping him out?

Mia, who is looking very pretty by the way, pulls up her shirt so it’s not baring her shoulders so much. I vastly appreciate that they did this part differently than in the original! In that one, William texts Noora that she looks good in the shirt, causing her to put on a jacket - it’s his direct advances and comment making her uncomfortable. In this scene, Alexander is just looking at her - which might make her uncomfortable but at least he wasn’t doing it in an overly lascivious way. 

We also see him respond to that, and it’s hard to tell because he doesn’t avert his eyes totally or anything, but he doesn’t completely keep staring at her.

Like in Skam, their teacher is filmed below the neck, although this guy’s nipples aren’t the main attraction. Rather, it’s his festive reindeer sweater that draws the eye. (NGL, this gives me an idea for one of the S3 remakes where instead of checking out the female teacher’s boobs, the Isak is like … staring at his male teacher’s nips poking through a polo shirt or whatever.)

This is like a history/social studies class and the teacher has been talking about institutional oppression. He asks for comparisons between apartheid in South Africa and the Third Reich.

A girl is like, why can’t we talk about something relevant like Syria? Lmao, random girl, of course it’s important to talk about Syria, but what’s this insinuation that it’s not relevant to talk about past atrocities? This is part of why we study history, to draw comparisons between the past and present. Not to mention the repercussions of those periods are still felt today.

Mia and Alex’s argument about Israel being an apartheid state is more in line with how I think Noorhelm was meant to be, with the two of them having debates and William challenging Noora’s opinion. However, it never really worked for me because I felt these arguments leaned too heavily on not just like ... intellectual debate for the spirit of it, but Noora objecting to something William had done, and then William trying to argue why it was actually OK. There weren’t many debates about stuff unrelated to their relationship and William’s behavior, not much verbal and mental sparring for the pleasure of it. So maybe this isn’t an enjoyable debate, per se, but it’s at least a heated one between two parties with different strong POVs, on something besides trying to justify one’s own behavior.

When Alex quotes David Ben-Gurion, Mia says there’s a difference between a German saying that Israel is an apartheid state and an Israeli saying so. Alex is like, nah. Mia asks, so there’s no difference when I insult your sister and when you do? He seems to get a touch more serious and says while emotionally there’s a difference, practically there isn’t. No one should insult his sister.

People were reading very literally into this comment, that she’s aware of his sister, but I think she’s just presenting a hypothetical scenario as an analogy. It’s not that she actually knows he has/had a sister. It’s that her hypothetical scenario happens to have more baggage attached to it than she realizes. Assuming that Alex maybe has a dead sister, this is actually a very good moment! It makes sense why he’d get more emotional over her at this mention, like it struck a nerve even if it’s not what Mia really meant.

The teacher is like, thanks for your contribution, it totally misses the point! Lmao, between that comment and the reindeer sweater, I like this guy.

Behind Mia, Kiki seemed pretty into Alex’s talk, by the way.

As the class packs up, Mia says Alex is a dick, Kiki says he’s not and that Mia doesn’t even know him. He’s insecure and just wants his parents’ attention. Mia is like, lol, didn’t know he was sensitive and vulnerable. She says it like a joke, but Kiki takes it seriously and says it’s all a front.

Mia asks why Alex is repeating his grade, Kiki says he didn’t want to talk about it. INTERESTING. I know from a Doylist perspective, this is so they can keep Alex on the show rather than him graduating, but I really hope they integrate it into his characterization. But he also said it’s none of Kiki’s business so like, he’s still an asshole. Mia agrees with me. He doesn’t have to tell her but don’t be a shithead about it.

Alex accompanies Kiki out of the classroom and gives her his hand, but appears to shoot Mia a look as he leaves.

Clip 5 - Kiki’s a vegan

Mia rides her bike in the morning and passes Kiki on the street. They have class now, but Kiki still needs to go home and shower. Mia is surprised because they’re pretty far from Kiki’s house, meaning Kiki has to run even more. However, Kiki seems pleased about how much she’s run.

Mia invites Kiki to go shopping with her and Hanna, and Kiki wants to go somewhere with vegan croissants. Mia is surprised by Kiki suddenly being a vegan. Kiki explains that she saw a documentary - not about factory farming, but about how healthy it is. Although then she adds she thinks factory farming is bad when she sees Mia isn’t pleased - that’s a nice touch because Kiki seems like she thought Mia was judging her for not being politically aware enough, and that Mia’s going to go on an activist diatribe or something, when Mia is really concerned because of Kiki’s extreme workout and diet.

Mia clarifies that she thinks veganism is great, it’s just that Kiki is working out so much as well as becoming a vegan. She said they talked about it and Kiki needs to be careful about this stuff. Kiki says she doesn’t see the problem with eating healthy and doing sports.

I like that moment because it’s kind of toeing the line, like … well, what is wrong with working out and eating healthy? And Mia can’t quite object to that in itself. On the surface, Kiki is making it sound reasonable. It’s just that we know more is going on with her than simply adopting healthy lifestyle habits. She’s taking it way too far.

Clip 6 - Mia vs. Alex, take two

Mia sees Axel in school and confronts him, saying they need to talk. He doesn’t seem that into it. When she asks him what he’s doing with Kiki, he plays dumb, she tells him that she’s going to get her hopes up for something serious. Alex is all, define serious. He says that he’s hanging out with Kiki and no one else, so what else is he supposed to do, propose to her?

If he’s explained to Kiki that this is a FWB thing, then honestly, it’ll be on Kiki not to hope for something more serious. It’s certainly not the best course of action for him because of how he behaved last season, and he should know by now that Kiki will probably take it too seriously. However, if he’s made his stance clear to Kiki that this isn’t a serious relationship, then it’s on Kiki to listen to that.

I like that her posture seems more stiff and ramrod straight, and he’s leaning against the railing, relaxed. She’s on guard and trying to make a point to, he’s not threatened by what she’s saying.

He says “If I didn’t know you were a lesbian, I’d think you were jealous,” and arrrrgh. Best case scenario, this at least suggests he has been backing off Mia because he thinks she’s a lesbian and not approaching her, and he respects that. However, I don’t think he buys that she’s really a lesbian (and this is confirmed by the end of the episode) so it comes across like a taunt instead. “If I didn’t know you were a lesbian” is him being ironic because he doesn’t believe her.

Mia says if he hurts Kiki, she’ll kill him. She walks away and Alex seems more amused than anything. He better take her seriously, she’s seen Santa getting a blowjob so the desire to kill should be setting in any moment.

Clip 7 - Gym class

Mia and Hanna are in gym class. They’re on the bleachers. They are both faking having their periods because they hate volleyball and PE. I can respect the fuck out of that. Jonas is playing volleyball, and he and Hanna are having some awkward eye contact.

Hanna mentions that Kiki is a vegan now. She doesn’t get how one can go without meat, but Mia has more serious concerns about Kiki’s sudden veganism.

The girls talk about Alexander and whether he’s doing this thing with Kiki as a tactic to make Mia jealous. God, I hope not. I hope he legit thinks she’s unavailable and is trying to move on or something. Because even taking the end of the episode into consideration, he wasn’t pursuing Mia on his own. He wasn’t texting her, calling her, starting conversations with her outside of class, and it was when Mia kept initiating contact and pushing him that he said he’d break up with Kiki if Mia went on a date with him. I’m not excusing him for that, but best case scenario, he was doing this thing with Kiki without the end goal of exchanging her for Mia.

The ball flies at Hanna, Jonas comes to pick it up and says sorry. I truly hope that was an accident, because otherwise, dick move. Anyway, another little beat of awkwardness between the two.

Clip 8 - Christmas party 

Party time! Linn sits on the couch, appropriately. She’s wearing a Santa hat, so she’s a little bit festive, at least?

The girls bake cookies, Hans seems to be making drinks. When Mia goes to the fridge, we get a nice glimpse of her, Hans, and Linn in some photo booth pics, awww.

Amira recreates the Salt Bae meme, which is fucking adorable, I love her.

Mia is a very pretty girl but I have to say that the styling is suiting her even more this season, and this is a really great look for her.

Kiki checks her phone. As we know from the social media, she had something planned with Alex. She’s sent some texts to him, but he’s ignoring her. Though I wonder if they actually had something planned, or if Kiki just assumed they did.

The doorbell rings and it’s Jonas, Matteo, and Carlos! I think they’re integrating the boy squad more into this season because they know fans love Jonas and Matteo, but that’s hardly something I’ll complain about. I live for more combined girl/boy squad content.

Hanna doesn’t seem totally OK with Jonas appearing - not like, shook to her core, but that she’s a little ruffled.

Carlos greets Kiki and says she looks good tonight and I don’t want to pair up any random boy and girl who interact, but if it will get her off Alex, then by all means, deliver us German Magnus/Vilde.

Mia asks Hans if he invited Michi (the guy from the BJ Santa clip) and he says no. Michi isn’t the kind of guy you date, he’s the guy you get to rim you. Well ... thanks for letting us know!

But it’s kinda interesting to me, because Hans is pretty dismissive and not complimentary of this guy, but at the same time… it’s his choice to just hook up with him and not go for anything serious. Mia seems like she’s meddling or judging a bit, disapproving of Hans doing this. I wonder if it’ll come into play later and if Hans will get as tired of Mia’s meddling as Kiki does. Still, it’s a nice parallel to her interfering with Kiki’s affairs, too.

This is a small, cute Christmas party, I dig it. The squads dance to All I Want For Christmas, the girls hug, it’s cute. Matteo sits at the table drinking, awww. Get up and dance, dude!

I wonder if Matteo not dancing is part of him checking himself not to be ~too gay? Or maybe he’s not in the mood because he’s been going through shit at home? Or he’s too drunk to get up? There are a lot of references to him drinking and getting stoned this season, and I mean, that’s not a great thing for him, but it’s a very interesting development in terms of what it will mean for his arc. 

Hans and Matteo have met now! Maybe they didn’t talk much, but they were in the same room!

WHO WAS TOUCHING MATTEO’S HEAD, I CAN’T TELL

Matteo and Kiki share a moment where she’s singing to All I Want For Christmas at him and he’s just at the table. Are they actual friends or something? Elaborate, please!

Everyone’s having a good time until Hans suddenly cuts the music, then they’re angered. How dare he cut off Mariah!

Hans announces they’re going to the club and goes into the bathroom to take party drugs. He says he’s going to pee, but the others are aware he’s taking drugs. Matteo mentions that Hans said he partied last week and it took him 72 hours to notice that he didn’t eat anything. Oh no, Kiki’s going to latch onto that. Mia seems wary.

Later, after the party’s over, Mia is cleaning up when the doorbell rings. Kiki comes back in. She’s going to party with Hans and Sam. Cotton pads fall out of her purse. Wait, Kiki is eating them??? Uh-oh.

Mia asks her not to take drugs, she saw how Kiki reacted when they were talking about Hans. Kiki gets mad and asks why she doesn’t get on Hans’ case. Mia says it’s because Hans doesn’t eat cotton pads as a snack. Kiki gets very upset. Mia wants to know if this is because of Alexander.

Truthfully, I don’t think dating Alexander helps, necessarily, since Kiki will feel like she needs to be at her best to hold Alex’s attention, and if he’s not 100% interested in her, she’ll find the faults in herself rather than him. It doesn’t help that he’s already told her she’s not worth it, and even though he apologized, she might still feel the memory of that. But this problem with Kiki goes well beyond her dating Alexander. I’m not absolving him of everything, obviously, but I think she’d be engaging in these behaviors regardless of what he thought, even if it’s for his approval. Mia is using Alexander as a scapegoat here for a much broader issue with Kiki. Like I have no doubt that these problems originated before Alex.

Kiki yells at Mia to stop interfering in her life and that she’s obsessed. I’m really interested in what Druck is doing with these two, because there are two sides to this. I think when it comes to Kiki’s eating disorder, while Mia ultimately can’t control what Kiki does, she’s not wrong to mention her concerns. This is one situation where your friend’s health and physical well-being are at stake. Mia has likely been where Kiki has and recognizes the signs. When it comes to Alexander … Mia probably should back off by now. She’s made her case, she’s stated her concerns. Kiki is making her own choices with who she’s hooking up with. They may not be great choices but they’re Kiki’s to make. But mixing the two sides is that Mia thinks the relationship with Alex is exacerbating Kiki’s eating disorder, so Kiki’s romantic life is entangled with her health. 

Mia lies in bed later. She goes through her text messages, first Hans, then Axel. If you look closely, you’ll notice that she sent something to him about the David Ben-Gurion quote being misattributed, which means they kept up the debate outside the classroom. Mia, I know you want to win the debate, but contacting Axel again to make your point isn’t going to convince him that you don’t care about him.

Mia texts Axel to leave Kiki alone. Again, this is messy because I think this is probably crossing the line, Mia’s said her piece already, and this is Kiki’s life. I’m glad they’ve emphasize that Mia thinks this situation is making Kiki’s eating disorder worse, though, because that is a very serious problem and if Mia thinks Alex is making it worse, then it’s easy to understand why she would keep intervening.

Mia is texting something like “Do you want to ...” before Axel writes back, and I’d be really interested to know what she was going to say. 

Aaaand Alex wrecks a lot of the good will we wanted to give him by telling Mia he’ll break up with her if she goes out with him and admits she made up all the lesbian stuff. Ugh. So he’s a) willing to break up with Kiki and hurt her just to get with Mia b) putting pressure on Mia dating him c) not taking her being a lesbian seriously which is sadly a common attitude among straight dudes. Obviously lesbians can’t be real, it’s impossible for women not to want me men! Even if he thinks she made it up about her sexuality, he should fucking leave it at that. I mean, she made it up for a reason and that reason is that she doesn’t want to date him, take a hint. Whatever Mia’s flaws have been in this whole situation, that doesn’t let Alex off the hook, either.

We close on Mia from above in her bed, with some distance. I like that, it makes her seem smaller and less in control of what she feels she has to do.

General Comments/Social Media

I’m really happy to see this show back! So far this was a promising start; I think they’re working on some of the production issues of last season and listening to the fans, so that’s encouraging.

This week there was a TON of effort put into the social media, with many IG posts and stories and multiple text messages. There were also clips every day, sometimes more than one. This was a really smart choice, because the constant flow of content grabbed people’s attention - remember that one week in S1 where the show took an unexpected hiatus and people wondered if Druck had been cancelled mid-season? Not great for holding viewers’ interest. I very much hope they can keep up the steady roll of content - personally I would not be surprised if they tone it down a little after this week, and the large amount of content this week was to drum up hype for the show, but I hope we can keep it at higher levels than last season.

However, the constant content and the increased promotion seem to have worked, because the amount of views per clip and subscriptions to Druck’s channel have increased quite a bit! A lot of the clips seem to have as many or more views as clips from S1, which have been out for months. At the beginning of the week there was something like 63,000 subscribers to the channel, I think? As of writing this, they have almost 100,000. They gained more than 35,000 subscribers in a week. That’s incredible! I also noticed several of the clips and episodes were trending by the time I watched them, so that’s got to help attract new viewers. When there are new clips out frequently, they can keep trending, which will grab the attention of new fans. I poked through the comments and there seemed to be a LOT of people who are not existing Skam fans, but German viewers discovering Druck for the first time, which is amazing.

I realize it’ll be very messy with the timeline, but I hope that we can squeeze in at least one more season of this show, hopefully two so we can get both Amira and Matteo seasons. If the momentum keeps up, it’ll be a huge shame to end the show when it’s doing so well. Don’t pull a Julie Andem, Pola Beck. (Lmao, I’m willing to drop realism and pretend this is like Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Veronica Mars when they graduated high school after 2-3 seasons and then all happened to go to the same university.)

About Mia being a lesbian or bisexual, or having a romance with a girl - as much as I would love for this to happen, I’m not going to get my hopes up. I don’t want to be disappointed. What I do hope is that the stuff with Mia isn’t queerbaiting - I really hope that she isn’t straight. I get that she’s probably not going to be a lesbian and that she’ll likely end up with Alex, because otherwise it would be an enormous diversion from the source material, one that would not go over well with a big part of the fanbase that loves Noorhelm and is looking forward to seeing that story again. But let her be bi, at least. I get that it’s a pipe dream to hope for Mia/Hanna or Mia/Kiki, but let the f/f content be stronger than it was in S2 of Skam. Make it better than just drunken makeouts between ostensibly straight girls.

The thing is, I do understand if they have her get together with Alex. However you might feel about it personally, Noorhelm is a popular ship (S3 was the biggest internationally but I know S2 was huge in Norway) and there will be tons of people looking forward to it. So really, I’m not expecting them to throw out that relationship and the Mia/Alex endgame. Later in the season, I might change my mind. But right now, while I’m expecting some of the story details to change (as they already have), I’m not going to predict a radical overhaul of S2. I think I’ll be more disappointed if I expect them to reinvent this story so dramatically and they don’t. And if they do? I can be pleasantly surprised.

There’s going to be a fuck ton of drama this season in the fandom - hell, there already is - because Noorhelm is already polarizing, and we’ll be seeing people who still want this ship to succeed and people who don’t. But I do want to point out one thing: a huge amount of people, until the final clip, were being positive about Alex and Mia/Alex’s potential, pointing out ways they preferred Alex’s behavior to William’s. This included people who straight-up hated Noorhelm. I think this says a lot, that many people are willing to get on board with the pairing if it gets rid of the stuff they disliked about the original S2. Of course many others are never going to like this storyline, and many people who had high hopes then dropped them after Alex’s text message to Mia. We’ll see how fandom attitudes change or stay the same over the season.

I like how they’re characterizing Mia this season. They seem to have a clear idea of her motivations, they’re giving her flaws that seem naturally integrated into her character. One of the best ways to create a character, imo, is to think of their flaws and their strengths not as existing on completely separate spheres, but as personality traits existing together that have both positive and negative qualities. For instance, Mia is kind and protective of her friends, overall a positive trait, but that leads her to interfere with their lives, which can be a negative trait.

There were a ton of IG posts and text messages, both this week and before the season even started. I might have missed something - I didn’t expect Druck to hit me so hard with SM content, lmao.

One pre-season text had Hanna wanting to meet up with Jonas, and he initially agreed, but then when she asked for details he didn’t reply, and on the day of, he suddenly couldn’t meet. Oh, kids. This is such a different dynamic from Eva and Jonas in their S2, when they appeared to be on friendly terms and were hanging out together, totally platonic, nothing to see here!!! Unfortunately, Hanna and Jonas still have some friction.

There was a really excellent text message prior to the start of the season, about the girls meeting with college/career advisers at school. It did the double duty of both telling us about the girls’ aspirations and dreams for when they graduate, as well as exposing various difficulties and societal inequalities that they face. For instance, Kiki wants to go to university because no one in her family has done so before, but the adviser tried to talk her into some apprenticeships. Amira jokes that it’s because the adviser saw Kiki’s grades, but that also sees like an issue of classism - Kiki expresses interest in university but the adviser discourages her, possibly based on her background and not coming from a family that went to university. Sam wants to study fashion design and the adviser said that goal fits, presumably due to her personal style. With Amira we see blatant racism in the system, as she wants to become a chancellor, but the adviser laughs and singles out her hijab as a reason why she’ll find it difficult. Hanna was told to do better in school, continuing her academic struggles from her season (the Evas have never been great students). Mia, on the other hand, is told she could be anything. And true, I think Mia’s supposed to be a good student, but note the disparity in that a young white girl is told her future is full of limitless possibilities, whereas Amira (who I’m pretty sure is also a good student) is told how she’ll struggle to achieve her dreams.

I think that sort of sets up some of the tension to a degree with Mia’s character. I’m not sure how much we’ll go into this, but Mia (and the Nooras) have frequently been like the golden girl of Skam. Like I agree that S4 made a lot of mistakes in giving Noora too much importance at the expense of Sana, but I also think there was an awareness that Noora was perceived so differently than Sana even though in many ways they were similar, because of racism, and how Sana knew this and was hurt by it (it was just that S4 was a weird mishmash of knowing this and portraying it critically, and indulging in Noora’s greatness and playing it straight). So we could have that with Mia and Amira at some point. But also, I think this is a big issue with Mia and Kiki (and Noora and Vilde). Because we saw Vilde basically have to deal with Noora being seen as a “better” version of her. For example, Vilde planned to tell off William and have that as her big moment; but William tore her down and Vilde ran off in distress, and it was Noora who stepped up to roast him and put him in his place. What Noora did was great but it snatched Vilde’s moment. Noora is pretty and skinny, she stuffs herself with pancakes and is model thin, something that Vilde aspires to be. Vilde has a crush on William and he uses her and throws her away; Noora gets William’s attention and she doesn’t even want it, then ends up in a serious relationship with him as William decides Noora is the girl worthy of his loyalty. We saw a lot of this play out with Mia and Kiki already in S1. Now in S2, the tension between the two is going even harder than with Noora and Vilde. Vilde never snapped at Noora the way Kiki does in this episode. Honestly out of everything, I think I’m most interested in seeing how that relationship develops over the season. Remember that Mia is the only one who was there to help Kiki with her pregnancy scare last season, so now they’ve got this other big situation and secret between them.

Girl Sam invited one of the boys to the Christmas party, but it’s not clear from the texts which of them it was. I’m pretty sure it was Jonas since he says Sam invited them in the clip, but still, that’s one downside of Druck’s text system, we can’t always tell who the conversations are between. Although on the other hand, I do think there are instances where that ambiguity could add some suspense and mystery. (She greets mystery boy as “Hi bitch!” which is pretty funny and suggests they are on reasonably friendly terms.)

I wonder if Sam invited the boys on behalf of Hanna? Then Jonas would have an excuse to hang around Hanna without the pressure of it being one-on-one, or seeming too much like a date/like they were back together. And he might respond more positively to a “neutral” party like Sam rather than Hanna, with all their history. 

By the way, Hanna had a pic of her and Jonas before the season started that’s like “When lovers become friends!” and she looks significantly happier about it than he does.

Carlos (the Elias from S1) got an IG and his name (car_lospolloshermanos) is a Breaking Bad reference. I remember him as being fairly decent and not too shitty in S1, so it’d be nice to see him as a member of German boy squad.

Kiki posts a pic of her healthy vegan meal and Matteo responded by posting his currywurst. Lmao, so they’re friendly enough that they can have this banter???

Matteo posts a bunch of memes on his IG. How Isak of him.

Amira had some utterly beautiful pics of her summer where she’s riding a camel and visiting the pyramids in Egypt.

There were so many Christmas party pics and videos! I loved the effort put into it. The kids were adorable.and the activity made it feel more like an actual party.

We’ve had Skam and the remakes take place on holidays, but never on Christmas, so I’m quite excited to see what Druck gives us! Even if it’s just Mia, Hanna, and Hanna’s dad chilling out, that’ll be good enough for me. Plus, we should get New Year’s too - what if we get a clip that drops around midnight on New Year’s Eve?

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

I’m not German, so if I missed any language or cultural context, feel free to let me know!

[digiandromeda]

How about mischief managed, adrinette, drabble please

(A/N: As you wish!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i had fun with this XD )

Adrien knew he shouldn’t keep sneaking up on Marinette but he couldn’t help it! Her reactions were amusing! Load and animated, She’d jump and stammer, and now that he knew why he couldn’t seem to stop.

He made sure not to do it too often because he was sure Alya would figure him out quickly. Heck, Nino would probably figure it out if He snuck up on her as often as he wanted to… so he told the little Chat Noir in his brain to behave himself, as he and Nino walked behind Miss Dupain-cheng on the way to class.

He’d already snuck up on her yesterday, after all.

Oh, but he really wanted to tease her!

Adrien blinked at the thoughts running through his head.

He wanted to tease her? Is that what he’d been doing?

He thought about it for a few seconds… yes, that’s exactly what he’d been doing.

For the first time in his life he had a friend he could affectionately tease. Only, he didn’t want to upset her. She’d been Chloe’s victim for years and he was sure there was a fine line between affectionate and malicious teasing.

…But…

He took a moment to close his eyes and focus on his surroundings… He could hear the tap-tap of Nino’s pencil, smell Chloe’s perfume, and feel Marinette’s gaze on his back…

Oh.

Yeah… that wasn’t good… he really wanted to turn around and look her directly in the eyes… to see how she would react.

Would she turn her head away? Pretend she’d been paying more attention in class? Or would she jump out of her seat?

She’d be flustered ether way…

He bit his lip… he could practically hear the little devil on his shoulder shouting,

“Do it! Do it!” while, his angel whispered,

“No! Don’t!”

“Do it! Do it! Ya’ know ya’ want toooo~!”

“If you do, she may unintentionally disrupt class! She’d be so embarrassed!”

“Doitdoit!”

“Is her potential embarrassment worth it?”

Adrien gave a small, quiet sigh… he wanted to tease her not embarrass her.

The little angel won and karate kicked the little devil off his shoulder and out the window.

“I’ll beeee baaaaaack!!”

He’d wait until next week to try and surprise her.

And honestly, he really should be paying more attention in class.

- o – o – o – o -

One week of patience and holding back was surprisingly difficult but he managed to do it.

And now… Now he was waiting in one of the empty classrooms, waiting for Marinette to walk by. He knew she was going to the art club after class and he wanted to see what new sketches she’d drawn since the last time he saw her sketchbook.

So, it was the perrrfect chance to surprise her.

Just as he planed, Marinette walked by the classroom doors and Adrien, channeling his inner Chat Noir, slipped out of the room and behind Marinette. He fallowed her silently for a moment and then, just as they turned a corner,

“Hey, Marinette! What’s up?” He stated calmly and friendly, his normal smile in place.

“AAAAAAAAHHHG!?” she spun on her heels, jumping backwards, one arm clutching her sketchbook to her chest, the other parallel to the ground but bent at the elbow. Her legs landed apart, bent at the knee’s and facing away from each other. “ADRrien?!” Her voice squeaked and cracked, her face beginning to blush. “What-where? No, i-I mean, uh, um… ha-hi!”

She tried to compose herself, standing up straight, clutching her sketchbook to her chest as if would save her.

Adrien held back a laugh, perfect poker face in place as a warm, fuzzy feeling spread throughout his body while he watched Marinette. He couldn’t place the feeling but he loved it.

It felt right.

He felt his mouth threatening to spread wider and held it steady. This was worth waiting all week for.

“Where are you headed in such a hurry?” He asked amidst her babbling. If he wanted to get to the point he’d have to direct the flow of conversation.

“huh?” Marinette blanked for a moment, her babbling disrupted. “The art pub!” she tried to answer. “I have a vew idea’s for outbits!”

Adrien’s mouth twitch at Marinette’s inability to speak coherently.

“Mind if I come along? I’d really like to see more of your work.”

Marinette’s eye widened and her pupil’s shrunk. She gaped at him and for a moment he was worried she’d pass out.

“You want to see more of my pork?!” She exclaimed excitedly, then seemed to have a panic attack as she turned her back to him and wobbled. “But-but it’s not berry good! Nothing compared to your potters!”

“That’s not a fair assessment, Marinette.” Adrien walked to her side and placed a comforting hand on her back. “You have your style, father has his.” He gave her a small push, before she could meltdown at his touch and lead her towards the clubroom. “Besides, your work in good! It’s really good!”

Her face blushed at his praise and she raised her sketch book up to hide her face.

“You… Really think so?” She asked timidly, her sentence fully coherent.

“Of course I do, Marinette.” He finally allowed his face to split into a huge grin. “I can’t wait to model your hat!”

“You can’t wait?” She somewhat repeated after him in disbelief.

“Nope! I’m really looking forward to it.”

“You are?”

“Yep!”

“Adrien…” Her watery eyes peeked at him from over her sketchbook. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Marinette.” he smiled at her warmly as they entered the clubroom.

The warm, fuzzy feeling inside him began to tingle and he gave an inward sigh of contentment. Teasing Marinette was fun but spending time with her was even better.

Perhaps he could find a way to do both?

Oh, that was a bad thought.

The little devil on his shoulder cackled mischievously and Adrien gave a quick glance to his little angel.

Who was giggling softly in Marinette’s direction.

Oh dear.

He really was going to have a hard time holding back.

(A/N: Check out my “My ML prompts” tag for the prompts list!)

[immalittlepandybear]

Down By The Seashore

So, I have been gone for a while BUT I’M BAAAAAACK! And I may have gone a wittle bit (a lot) out of control with the story and I may have added A LOT  more things to the original plot SO this is going to be a chaptered AU. Three chapters to be exact, nothing more. I hope. 

Words~ 1,367 

I hope you guys enjoy and I plan to be on Tumblr more in the future! :) 

"WildCat! I got it fixed now. Do you want to take it for a test run?" Tyler's friend, Daithi yelled across the pier at the approaching individual. Ty set down the planks of wood he was carrying and looked at Nogla quizzically.

"Are you sure, it's fixed? The fisherman said it was bad. He should be back tomorrow. We should probably wait until he checks it over so that we can make sure that it looks good." Nogla pouted at WildCat.

"Are you questioning my work? I have been working on boats for 3 years now and not one! Not. One. Hasn't been fixed by me on the first try!" Daithi threw his tools in his belt and slung the toolbelt over his shoulder. "But, you can wait until the man comes to look it over, you prissy!"

"I didn't say that! It's just that you haven't worked on this type of boat before! So yeah, I'm worried! I don't want to die!" Tyler stopped Daithi from walking away from him and tried his best explaining what he meant without getting too loud and attracting attention. Never works but he can sure try.

This time he gained the attention of the baker that just so happened to be walking past. His name is Ryan. But most people don't call him that. They don't even really talk to him. He is an orphan that nobody wanted. His best friend and the only one he ever really talks to is Brock or MamaBrock. After what his friend went through, Brock decided to take over the orphanage after the old bat that ran it before, died. He doesn't want anyone to go through the same pain Ryan did.

Most of the town doesn't even talk to Ryan and when they do, it's to order bread and sweets at his bakery. The Rabbit Hole. No one knows why he called it that, maybe if they asked he would have told them that it was because of his love of rabbits and the fairy tale Alice In Wonderland. When the townsfolk do talk about Ryan, they call him Ohmwrecker. They call him that because when he wandered into the town on a late, foggy night. It was the coldest day, no one could have survived without a fire by them. But he did. He walked right into the town, holding a small cloth that had the Omega symbol on it and a knife. He was confused and covered in, what later was assumed to be, animal blood. He was taken to the orphanage where the old bat sold him to the village baker. The baker wasn't a nice person. But when he learned that Ohm could bake, he became somewhat tolerable towards the boy. Ohm soon took over the business when the baker passed away from old age. Forcing the villagers to finally talk to him.

Ohm stopped walking and listened to the conversation. Tyler noticed Ohm looking at the incoming clouds and quietly whisper, "You probably shouldn't sail today. A big storm is coming in." Before he hurried away with a bag of flour on his shoulders. Tyler wanted to go after the man, but he knew not too. For if he did, he would be rejected by the town as well.

He turned back towards Nogla. "I will take it out today. If you’re sure that you fixed it, 100%."

Nogla looked at him and nodded his head. "I am absolutely sure I fixed it completely. Would I ever put you in danger?"

"Ok, you get the supplies and I'll get the boat ready for sailing." They went their separate ways. Nogla to collect food and plenty of water, while WildCat went and checked the boat out.

~~~*~~~

It is around midday when WildCat actually got out to sea. It took him a little bit to get the boat in the water and everything back where it was supposed to go. At first, everything seemed fine, and then a strong gust of wind came and pulled the boat out past the reef. Then, the mast ended up shifting to the left, which caused boards to be moved and the water sealant, that Nogla put on the underside of the boat, to thin and crack. With water seeping into the bottom and the howling winds not helping with the position of the mast and making the boat rock. Tyler would never say that he was afraid. He totally didn't panic when the water got past his ankles or when the bucket that he had flew out of hands because of the strong gusts of wind. Yep. Totally not afraid. He would never admit, to anyone or himself, but he was pretty sure that he let out an undignified squeak as wave after huge wave started to rock the boat even more until finally, it capsized.

Ohm, watching from a cove that was safe from the storm, sprang into action as soon as he saw the waves overtake the boat and the villager. Normally Ohm wouldn’t risk his fins over a drowning stranger, but he can’t help it. WildCat is a friend of Brock’s and Brock is his friend. Ohm’s powerful tail powered him through the storm with little trouble. How he wishes that the stupid idiot listened to him, or at least was able to tell from how the sky looked that there would be a storm today.

Ohm growled under his breath as he looked at the wreckage of the boat. That’s going to take days to clean up, maybe even weeks. Not to mention all the fish and sea creatures that are going to need medical attention because of this. Ohm reluctantly set WildCat down and swam away. He must get back to the village before anyone else notices that he was gone and blames the storm on him.

~~~*~~~

Tyler didn’t know how he was alive or where he was right now. As soon as he sat up, he started to violently cough the water from his lungs. He looked around and saw a forest and a tiny trail on one side and the ocean on the other.

“Good job, Nogla. ‘Would I ever put you in danger?’ You asshole. Last time I’m ever going to listen to you, you dumb fuck” Tyler slowly started to walk down the little trail through the forest. As he walked, he started to see things that he recognized, or so he hoped.

“No! I literally just saw you! How the fuck am I walking in circles? Does this forest even go in a circle? Or have an end!?” Tyler lost it when he turned the corner and saw that stupid chipmunk stuffing its cheeks full of seeds and nuts. So, he did what any well-mannered individual would do, he punched a tree, or tried to. “FUCK!!!” His scream rang out through the forest and seemed to bounce off the trees. Clutching his hand, Tyler leaned up against said tree and mentally cursed out anything and everything under the sun.

“Are you ok? I heard screaming and I came rushing ov- Oh goodness, look at your hand!”

Tyler stood straight up when a person came out of the undergrowth with a bag slung over their shoulders. It took him a moment to recognize that the person and face belonged to Ryan, the outcast and baker. It also took him another moment to register that his hand has significantly grown and changed colors.

“What are you doing out here?” Tyler didn’t mean for it to come out so defensively but with the way Ohm took a step back and lowered his head, it came out quite nasty. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-.”

“No, it’s okay. I just came out here to gather some berries and other things for the bakery. I-I heard you yell and I came running over, I’m sorry.” Ohm shuffled his feet and looked anywhere but at Tyler.

Tyler sighed and clutched his hand, “No, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that. The thing is, I’m a bit lost and I can’t find my way back into town. Uh, would you… would you mind helping me?”

Again, I really hope you guys enjoyed and the second chapter will be up next Sunday! I might even post some more couple moments for MiniWrecker and DaithideWildcat.

[transnewsies]

what’s constantly going through my head:

dere's no way I'm puttin those kids back in danga 

tell me how quitting does Crutchie any good 

uuuzzzzzt- 

eXACTLY 

 sO HERE's how it goes once we win and WE WILL BE WINNING make no mistake 

we'll be wat 

we're already winning 

riiiiiiight

and we'll tell them STRAIGHT OUT they let CRUTChie go or they KEEP getting Pounded 

Dave (!!!) what the HELL did they bust up ya brains or somethin as I recall DAVE we all got our asses kicked they won 

won the battle 

o cOme On 

jACKIE think abt it we GOT them surROUNDED 

here's what I think joe's a joick he's a rattle snake 

ya right!! And ya know why a snake starts to rattle? 

no why 

cuz he's SCARED 

pft sure 

go and look it up the poor GUYS head is spinning 

why would he send for the GOONS an entire army dozens of goons and the cops an- 

yanno ya may be right 

THANK YA GOD 

if he wasn't afraid- 

eXACTLY 

he knows we're winning 

get those kids to see we're circling victory and watch what happens 

we're doing something no one's even tried and YES we're terrified but watch what happens 

ya can't undo the past 

SO just move on and stay on track 

(stay on track) 

cuz humpty dumpty is abt to crACK 

we've got FAITH 

we've got the plan 

anD WE'VE GOT JACK!!!!! 

so just WATCH WHAT HAPPENS 

we're BAAAAAACK 

(AND I'VE GOT A DATE)