#:: ᴅᴇʀʀɪᴇ̀ʀᴇ ʟᴇ ʀᴏɪ | ᴏᴏᴄ

[leroiloup]

❝ ɪ ᴅᴏɴ·ᴛ ᴅᴇsᴇʀᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ·ᴠᴇ ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ᴍᴇ. ʙᴜᴛ ɪ ᴀᴍ sᴏ ɢʀᴀᴛᴇғᴜʟ. ❞

「    Here it is : the post I’ve been dreading making this whole time. I’ve put it off, thinking it wouldn’t come to this, but I can’t keep letting the guilt I feel eat away at me. The thing about me y’all should know is that my writing moods come in phases. I’ll be happy for like 2 years or so to spend all my time on the computer and write. And then out of no where, I find I can’t focus at all and be on the computer for that many hours in a day. Then eventually, the writing mood comes back and I can dive in again.

Basically, I’m at that stage where I just can’t sit and focus enough to do the long, multi paragraph style replies right now. It takes a lot of energy and my mind just isn’t there. This doesn’t mean this is how it’ll be forever, but for now, I’m gonna put this account on a break. Yes, Klaus and I are gonna take a page from the Ross and Rachael playbook.

This muse is still loud. I will eventually be back, I just don’t know when. You all have been amazing and I cherish all the threads I’ve had and friends I’ve made. Thank you to all of you for this amazing and wild ride.

I’m still around on Discord. I’ll be doing smaller RP stuff there, little group things, and at the risk of contradicting everything I just said, I’ll still be active on @dimitribelikov​. Just not the same type of activity I had going on here. If you still want to stay in touch or do smaller RP things with me, hit me up. This is not me closing the door on people or ending this chapter in my life. We’re simply... on a break.

Stay original, loves. ♥    」

[leroiloup]

*coughs* we misssss you. Kthxbye lol.

「 HELLO I MISS AND ADORE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK OKAY 」

[leroiloup]

「    I present my 2 muse’s fc’s.... for no particular reason    」

[leroiloup]

「    HIATUS NOTICE : I’m taking a little vacay for a short bit. I’ll check back in with my muse in a week and see if he feels like playing then. my bday is at the end of the month and since obviously nothing is happening irl for it, I’d like to back by then, so don’t worry, this won’t be another month thing.

in the words of Rocco : catch you on the flip side    」

[leroiloup]

「    this is a total, 100% “woe-is-me” negativity post, so be warned. I try not to post anything too personal or emotional on this blog, but the truth is, I need an outlet right now. I don’t have a personal tumblr anymore, and tbh, I don’t really want to put this on FB where all my IRL friends would see it. I’m putting this under a read more so y’all can scroll on by and not worry about it. But also, it’s here, so it ain’t a secret. If you want to watch a train wreck, read on.

» » » The moral of this story is going to be that for the next couple of days, I’m gonna be less present on the dash, and just tending to my drafts ( along with developing my OC more because he brings me joy rn ).

Wow, you clicked the Read More. Aren’t you a sick fuck ? Just kidding, you’re my kind of people. I hope your popcorn is ready. If are you continuing, I’d like to give you some disclaimers : literally none of the following is directed at any one individual or group of individuals. There is not an ounce of guilt that’s meant to be transferred. This is 100% my own bullshit as I’m dealing with me. I’m going to complain about RP, but please keep that in mind ; this is all about my own insecurities.

To start, everyone is dealing with a lot right now, let’s not have any delusions about that. Shit in general fucking blows. Personally speaking, I don’t like talking about my emotions or the things truly bothering me. I guarantee that if I ever whine about something, then there’s something much deeper that’s effecting me. As of right now, I’ve identified both : the surface issue that I’m taking my frustrations out on, and the deeper problems that’s the root of what’s going on.

So let’s start with the the deep shit, shall we ? This’ll give better insight as to why I’m struggling mentally with RP at the moment. I’m the kind of person IRL that’s a loner. I’m in my 30′s, but I’ve never had a serious relationship in my life. I don’t have a lot of friends ( but I do have a couple of really good ones ). I tend to just deal with shit on my own. I live alone, I take care of myself. And honestly, all of that is ok because there’s something magical that I have had : my career. I moved to the other side of the country at a young age by myself with one goal, and that was to edit film trailers. And goddamn it, in April 2019, I DID IT ! I mean, I’ve been in that industry since day 1, climbing the ladder, but last April, I was promoted to editor. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I still had a long way to go to prove myself, but I felt like my whole life was worth it for the place that I made it to. Well, this past March ( yes, just 2 weeks shy of my 1st year mark as an editor ) I was laid off due to COVID. Now, I’ve gotten a couple of odd editing jobs here and there, but I’m floundering. I suddenly can’t pay my bills, I can’t even buy proper groceries, but worst of all ? I just sit around all day. Alone. In my apartment. With no sense of direction or purpose. I feel like I lost a whole part of myself ; like I lost who I am as a human being. It’s this terrible, downward spiral of feeling like I don’t even exist anymore. Like who am I without the one thing I identified myself as ? Do I even matter anymore ? My friends are still working, but I’m.... not. I may not have been the pretty one, the witty one, the interesting one, or the loved one, but goddamnit, I was the independent one. I didn’t live a glamorous life, but I have a sweet apartment in a great area all by myself, and traveled, and treated myself to expensive clothing. I lived that Destiny Child’s Independent Woman life. And now ? It’s a big deal trying to decide if I can afford to buy cheese for my turkey sandwiches.

So let’s move this sob story onto the superficial, dumbass things that are bothering me. Like that’s real world shit right ? But I don’t like dwelling on real world problems. I handle it and move on. Yet my heart still hurts so I tend to focus on something less important as my excuse. Enter literally the only other thing I have going on rn RP. Man, I have the best writing partners and the best threads, let me tell you ! When I say I love my dash, I’m not just blowing smoke up y’all’s asses. I mean it. Sometimes I just sit and stare at my drafts in awe. But lately, my brain is frustrated. See, I’m not the Indie RP type. I can’t deal with a thousand different threads and interact with everyone, as much as I’d like to. My brain just doesn’t work that way. I prefer to live in my small corner and have a partner with whom our muses are deeply developed. Like full on universes with stories about different parts of their relationship’s timeline and with NPCs and fucking pinterest boards and shit. Y’all know what I’m talking about. A partner who tags me in shit because they see a post on their dash and it made them think of me. A partner who can just send my muse random asks about shit because they’re bored. A partner I can throw wild fangirly comments at in DMs at all hours of the day because something inspired me, or something made me think of our muses. You see, I had it once. On my Dean Winchester account, I met someone and our muses man... we didn’t plan that shit but they clicked and we were inseparable. It was so amazing. But I can’t write Dean anymore and even though I’m still very good friends with that mun IRL, they don’t write anymore. I feel like I’ve been chasing that high ever since, but it’s just gone.

Like, I just did that positivity night, right ? I really needed the boost and nothing helps like giving out compliments, and it worked. Believe me. I was so tickled by the responses and getting to force myself to think of wonderful things about my partners ( which is easy to do, lbr ). But a couple of people went above and beyond and sent it in as a request for someone else. God, how fucking cool ? But then my stupid brain takes over and reminds me that I don’t have a partner going out of their way like that for me. And god, what a selfish thing to think, right ? This is all good vibes, and I genuinely wanted to make other people smile, but I can’t help but have half my mind say “but what about me ?”. So lame. Especially since I never ask for help so who is even gonna know that need the pick me up ? Ugh. But I’m too chickenshit to ever send someone a meme to make them compliment me. Hell, I’m too chickenshit to like people’s posts when they ask for mains. A voice in my head is like “nah man, keep that shit for other, more qualified candidates. You have good threads, calm down.” But I dunno, sometimes I feel like I have a ton of threads, but that’s all they are ? The fillers ? Sure, it’s great writing, but it doesn’t go anywhere. It’s not meant to build anything for people, it’s just to give them something to do to pass the time while they’re building universes with their mains.

Could I be more selfish ? Like really. But that’s the thing : it’s my desolate feeling of complete lack of purpose in life bleeding into the one thing I’m trying to keep my mind distracted with. Do I hate RP ? No. Do I resent anyone on my dash ? Fuck no ! I love all of you and I’m incredibly grateful for anyone that interacts with me. But sometimes I see some magical friendships here and I just... I want that, man. I miss it. I want purpose again, in any facet of my life. I want to be excited again ; about ANYTHING. I’m tired of bobbing around like a cork on the sea of life. 

I wish I meant more.    」

[leroiloup]

「    Holiday Hiatus ! I’ll be sparse to completely absent starting Dec.24 through Jan 2. Queues will still be running. If you need me for whatever reason, I recommend hitting me up on Discord.  Happy Holidays to all !!    」

[leroiloup]

「    I swear I try to be a normal rp partner, but then I go an write starters and replies that are a freaking novel, and honestly, I’m so sorry I don’t know why I’m like this    」

[leroiloup]

「    I’m sorry everyone that I haven’t been as present on this dash lately. I’ve just been doing my drafts like homework every morning, then peacing out. my mood has actually been pretty good lately so I thought I was fine, but today I’m realizing that depressing comes in other forms. today it’s especially hitting me hard.

but that said, I’d like to give a big shoutout to literally my entire dash. even if I’m not here and interacting, I appreciate all of you and I freaking love this community. I promise I’m gonna try harder.

but for now, I’m gonna scooch off the dash, eat pizza, and watch Ryan Phillippe movies for the rest of the night ( he’s my OC’s fc, but I really haven’t seen much his stuff. for shame ! ). feel free to bug me at any time on discord or my dm’s.    」

[leroiloup]

i can't help but read your url as lesoup. i'm so sorry

「    oh don’t be sorry, I’ve gotten all sorts of funny interpretations since creating this account, lol. maybe one day I’ll do a voice recording of how to pronounce it for our non-French speakers. not that it matters because without the spaces, it’s always gonna look funny    」

[leroiloup]

「    do you ever read your partner’s reply and totally forget that it’s something you have to reply to because you’re lost in the beautiful crafting of the words and the vivid imagery and you’re suddenly not their partner but a total fangirl just eating up every word up ?

yeah, because that’s me right now with @twinfractured. damn king, you live up to your name !    」

[leroiloup]

「    hey all ! little heads up that I won’t be around at all tomorrow. I’m flying back to Florida for the next 2.5 weeks. I think from here until Christmas, I’ll still have some writing time, but I’m gonna try to not spend all my time on the computer. Christmas to New Year’s I’ll be with my sister, so I’m not sure how much I’ll be writing at all.

I’m gonna be on Discord the whole time, though, so if there’s any plotting questions or whatever, you can still hit me up. Today I’ll be around here and there, but mostly packing and stuff.    」

[leroiloup]

「    me : yay a cute shippy moment ! let’s do a a sappy romantic reply !

      klaus : LOL    」

[leroiloup]

「    wow I really adore @seesgood    」

[leroiloup]

「    I was actually gonna write a very dramatic and dark one shot about Klaus thinking of what “romance” is to him, and have it end with him eating someone’s heart. But I did that one-liner starter instead and honestly, I’m way more leased with these shenanigans, lol    」

[leroiloup]

「    haylo ! I treated myself to my good whiskey tonight ( which I haven’t had in way too long ) and I’m feeling toasty. send me ( or Klaus ) anons and asks !    」

[leroiloup]

you spent all day yesterday sending people love so i'm gonna give you some now: you're a phenomenal writer. the kind of writing partner that people dream about having in rp. you make klaus an even better character than he was in the show, which is saying something. i've never read a reply of yours that didn't make me want to read more and you are such a joy to have on my dash. without a doubt i think you're one of my favorite people on this website in the entire time i've been here. we love you

「    Apparently I can dish it, but I can’t take it. I guess that’s why I love writing compliments for others but will never send that meme to others. It’s also why I tried like 6 different ways to answer this that didn’t involve me listing how I feel inconsequential and don’t feel super stellar on the dash and IRL, but honestly, thank you for taking the time to send this. It’s very sweet of you. I wish I was better at taking compliments, but this definitely helped me.    」