#:/ i had to call doctor today and they were nice. it wasnt even scary. but i was SO anxious and i still feel knotted up and awful after

[mejomonster]

Im sick of medical trauma. Wish i could somehow convince the pieces of my body to function so we can avoid it

[pbandjesse]

Today didn't go exactly as planned but it was a really good day. This was a nice little vacation. I didn't spend to much money and i feel really happy. Im sitting in my hotel relaxing and enjoying my night. Im really looking forward to going home though. I miss my cat and my apartment and my boyfriend.

I slept really well last night. I woke up with the sun and I was so cozy with my feather pillows abd blankets. I stayed in bed until 830. Playing on my phone. Being comfy. It was really nice.

I got up and got washed. My makeup looked great. I felt really cute. It was a bit colder today but it was still beautiful. I had breakfast in the hotel's restaurant. I listened to my podcast and just wanted a chill morning.

I got my backpack and headed out into the world. I tried to walk out of the parking lot from the back side and i got turned around and while the veiws were beautiful I was annoyed with myself for going the wrong way.

I walked up to a local park that has a small museum on the property. But it was closed. Thats okay. I kept walking. Then I decided I would go to the Garden of the World. A private park that is set up to emulate different cultural landscapes. Cool.

I walked up to a 711 to make it easier for a lyft to find me. And I got there in less then 15 minutes. California is funny. It would have taken me 2 hours to walk to this place but it was a less then 15 minute drive. Everywhere has been like that. Its bizzare.

But we get out there and its closed. Until 1. Okay im bummed but its fine. Not a huge deal. I walked around that area and found a neat little store and got myself a hair clip that I have had on my wish list for a while. And I got Jess a present. I still had like a half hour until I needed to be at the meeting thing. So I walked.

I ended up finding a really awesome Portuguese cafe and I got their signature pastry which was essentially a warm baked pudding. Almost like a creme brullee. It was great. When I was done I called a car and headed to the meeting.

The gps got confused and me and my driver had some trouble finding the building. But we did it and I was on time. The lady at the front desk wasnt very nice to me. I told her what I was there for. Who I was supposed to meet. And she just said. I dont know what that is is who that is. And i tried to show her my itinerary and she snapped at me. And I was about to get upset but someone leaned over the wall and figured out what was going on and solved the problem. Thank you nice lady.

The meeting was funny. When they asked me to do it they said it would be about 10 to 15 people. And that was fine. But when I got there today it was only one person. Well the one person and the person running the meeting. I don't know what happened but it was funny to me. Like I still had a good time and it was nice to talk to them both butt they spent $300 a night for this hotel for me. And they flew me across the country. And it was only one person. We could have done this over Skype guys. Like I'm not going to turn down what has been a really nice couple days but it was just pretty funny.

I told you my story. I told him about my art and my history. Medication and trials and errors. Insurance issues and finding a doctor. All the scary parts that go around being a patient. Even though it was only the one person I was talking to I really hope that my story can be impactful enough that she will really understand when she's out trying to get doctors to carry this medication and to prescribe it to people that it's a big deal. And financially it's a lot. That just because it works doesn't mean that everyone can take it. It's not just about filling a prescription with this kind of thing. There's a lot that goes into it.

But it was a really nice hour. I was there until about 1 and then I went to call the car and head to my next thing. It was funny while I was sitting outside waiting for the car a guy walked past me and told me it was too cold for me to be sitting out there. And I'm not going to deny it wasn't chilly. But it was still about 55°. It was funny people were walking around and basically winter coats. And I had a sweater and a jacket on. I didn't even have double tights on! It was beautiful. Californians art week.

I took the lift up to the Thousand Oaks Mall. According to the internet there is a branch of the California Art Museum there. Cool. I decided to just wander the mall for a while first. It's a nice small. Have an indoor and outdoor apart. Lots of pretty fountains. I walked around the Disney Store and I'll look for new shoes. Because the shoes I wore are killing my feet. They will not be travel shoes ever again. I didn't have any luck with shoes but I was enjoying just walking around. And then finally I found the branch of the museum. Was to galleries. Except they were closed for a private event. Awesome. I was pretty dejected. This was now the third thing I had been to today that was closed. I went and sat down and called James. I just needed to talk out my feelings because I was feeling stupid.

He made me feel better though. I think I was starting to feel like other people were going to think I wasted my trip. Like I didn't go to the beach and I didn't see a ton of things. But I don't actually feel bad. I had a great time. I walked around. I cried at mountains. I bought little Trinkets and got to see a bunch of antique stores. I decided while we we're talkin that I would go back to the gardens of the world. It said it would be open to the public again at 1. And it was about 2:30. So that's what I did.

First though I decided to buy myself a present. I know it's just a couple days after my birthday and I said I would stop by myself things but I was a little upset and I bought myself a stuffed lion from the Japanese store. And I love him so much. He's so soft and he's slightly under-filled. He's just perfect. So I don't feel bad about my purchase at all. He's great. His name is Daniel.

Once I bought my lion I wandered out of the mall in search of the Goodwill that I read was on the other side of the mom. I did find it. It was a pretty good Goodwill but I didn't find anything I wanted. I was mostly looking at shoes anyway. There was a very cute bear shaped rocking horse and a small Hello Kitty car for toddlers. But I wanted to get to the gardens. And they were only open till 5. I didn't know how big they were and I didn't want to feel rushed so I called a car.

This is the first time ever I had that was chatty. He was really nice and asked me all about my life story. And we talked all the way until we got to the gardens and then dropped me off. It was nice.

The gardens were beautiful. Free to the public. Privately owned by an elderly couple. They had apparently owned a travel agency and when they sold it they decided to take their millions of dollars and open this 44-acre public garden. It was amazing. Completely privately funded.

I wasn't sure if I was allowed to take pictures. There are a couple signs that said stuff about like photographers and that you need a permit but I wasn't sure if they were talking about like pictures of people like wedding photos and then I saw one sign that said something about cell phones but I was confused so I only took a couple pictures on the down low. Just in case. It was mostly empty. A couple small groups besides me. I walked the whole ground and it was beautiful. There was a section that look like an English garden and one that looks like an Italian Villa with Italian cypresses in a fountain. Lots of fountains. Each little cultural section had a water feature. The Japanese pagoda was really pretty and it was just so nice. I walked it twice. The first time around just kind of sneaking pictures of my Furby and enjoying the quiet. It was a little cooler and clouds were rolling in but it was still very nice. I got to see a lemon growing on a tree for the first time in my entire life. That was really cool. And then I found a volunteer. He was a really nice guy. I asked him to tell me all about the gardens and he did and then I told him where I was from and got to tell him about ships and he turned out to be a volunteer at the Reagan Library. So that was cool meeting another Museum professional. And so I walked it one more time and really enjoyed myself. And then I headed out. I wanted to see what else I could do with my day.

When I had left from the gardens the first time I had made a left. So this time I made a right I walked and walked and then I was just too tired to walk anymore. And I really lucked out because as soon as I call the car it started to drizzle. And then it started to rain. Thankfully I was right next to a Starbucks and they had an umbrella outside so I didn't get all wet. And my driver was very fast. But I got in the car and it started pouring.

I have the car take me up to the Target. And the rain had started to Peter out by then. But it went into Target and I found some sneakers. They have memory foam insoles. And they're very comfy. I also got a juice that is fine but kind of grassy tasting. And then we just walked around the shopping center. I went and all the little stores. Enjoyed the scenery. I was kind of on the top of a hill and I could see the mountains on all the sides and it was just so pretty. I don't know what it is about the mountains here but they make me want to cry when I stare at them for too long. I just find them so beautiful. It's different than the ocean which causes a different reaction in me. If I had another day I would probably try to get out to one of the mountains again like I did last time I was here. But It's okay that I didn't do that this time. I'm a little too sore from all the other walking I did to get lost in the mountains where I can't call a car when I run out of steam.

I just had to get something to eat and was a little frustrated because I couldn't find just like a grilled cheese sandwich anywhere. But I ended up at a brewery in the shopping center that was really cool on the inside. I liked the big silver Brewing machine things. And the food was good. My waitress was really nice. And I just listen to my podcast and enjoyed myself.

It was really running out of steam though. I thought the food would help but it didn't pick me up as much as I was hoping. I was a little disappointed in myself because I had tried to find the postcards or something to give as gifts to people. And I just completely failed. I couldn't find anywhere that sold anything like that. Thousand Oaks isn't really a tourist destinations they only have anyting. And so I kind of wandered around the shops longer to try to see if I can find anything similar to that. But I didn't have any luck. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow at the airport I can find a couple things but I'm not holding out hope. Because I have assumed it's going to be incredibly expensive if I can find anything at all. We'll see. I was trying not to be too hard on myself though. No one's going to be mad at me. Even though I'm afraid that they will be.

But like I said I was getting really tired. I went back to the Target one more time just to see if I can maybe find any California type stuff there but like I said Thousand Oaks isn't really a tourist place so no luck. I tried on a sweater and then I just decided it was time to go back to the hotel. I caught a car and then I got back and I was very happy to be here.

I ran a bath and I'm packed my bag. Started packing my actual suitcase bag. I might have to use both backpacks. I haven't exactly figured out that part yet. But I'm not that concerned. My bath was really nice. I got a bloody nose while I was in there but it wasn't too bad. Mostly just surprised me. Put away things and put my outfit out for tomorrow. I packed what I could. Put all my receipts in one bag. And now I'm just kind of sitting here and watching videos. I'm going to go to sleep soon though. I'm really tired and I got to wake up early to get the ride to the airport. They're coming to pick me up at I think 8:15. My flight is in two parts. I think I'm flying to Chicago and then from Chicago to Baltimore. I'm not positive it's Chicago though. Wherever it is I have an hour and a half there so I get to at least get a snack if not dinner. It's going to be a long day though. I don't get back to Baltimore until about 10 p.m. and then I work Friday morning at 9 at ships. So that's like a whole thing. Pussy town Much sleep I can get on the airplane but I'm not holding out hope. I hope you guys all have a great night. Wish me luck tomorrow. It's going to be a long travel day. I'm really excited to be in the same city as my boyfriend and my cat. Though I am a little sad I missed the snow storm today I'm glad that it's not going to affect my flight tomorrow. I hope it's just a really nice day. Sleep well everyone.

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

[mylivingpoz]

Day 0-2

This isn't my life. This isn't happening to me. This isn't real.

I keep telling myself that and it isn't helping anything. That's how you know this story is real and true. I'm not here anymore, I'm a witness to everything that's happening and now that I'm here, now that I'm watching, I'm impartial and patient. And I know the blame is mine.

I didn't know it but September 3rd, 2018 is the day life as I knew it ended.

I had been crushing hard on this guy that I worked with and after a year and a half of being in his sphere I didn't know how to let go. He came over that labor day and was mad about some girl he's not even dating anymore, and left me high and dry when she told him to come over.

I was hurt. I was alone. I felt lonely and like I had wasted my time. It wouldn't be the last time either.

I wanted to feel wanted. Like someone could see me for real or something. I knew I couldn't have it so sex was the next best thing.

I invited this other guy over I had been talking to online off and on for a while and picked him up. As soon as he got in my car I knew that he wasn't someone I could see anything long term with, but I had spent so long being used maybe I wanted to use someone. Idk. I was just hurt. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted a story to tell. I didn't expect anything to happen it seldom did for me, I just liked meeting people.

He came over and we drank, and one thing led to another. I asked him if he had gotten tested multiple times, and when it came to it and said I didn't have a condom he said I had nothing to worry about. I didn't know why I believed him. I wanted to believe somebody...I didn't know why it wasn't myself. We slept together, no one came, we slept and the next morning I drove him away.

For the next three months, I found myself a little bit. Things got really bad and weird between me and my friend and then got better again, and I felt my energy. It was potent. I felt free finally like I could do anything. I went to clubs by myself and truly felt myself, I made mistakes, got broke having fun, my kind of fun, for the first time in a long time.

On December 9th I went to the doctor because I had strep months back after I hooked up with said guy and some of my symptoms hadn't gone away. I even messaged him then because I'm paranoid as hell about STDs. An innocent visit, I had no vision of what was to come.

That day I tested positive for HIV.

I cried and cried and cried in the arms of strangers. They took me from room to room after I made them test me twice and every person had a message of hope that left me abjectly ruined. They told me to come back in 10 days for the confirmatory test and I promptly went home and destroyed my room. The only thing I have power over. I told my roommate who hugged me fiercely and told me not to worry.

Like most people, I bargained. I bargained with my body that it was a false positive, I bargained with God and angels to help me. But the blood was already spilled. I spent months banishing beforehand, and it was like all of the energy came to fulfillment. I was now free from every problem I thought I had.

For the next ten days I drank feverently, sat in a depression, called my grandmother, and contemplated suicide.

The day before the confirmatory, I found the guy I slept with. I searched for him aggressively and found him when someone online told me what his name was. I was so ashamed I didn't remember. I was one of those people and I had never been in my life. I never hookup with anyone like that. He wasnt the first, just the first where I threw all caution to the wind. I rolled the dice. I Invited him over to hangout to innocently inspect him and see if there was hope for me, any kind of hope. Alas, none. He was completely ignorant of what he had given me for life. It didn't even seem like he was interested in me at all either. It was all a waste.

The next morning, the morning of, I slept past my appointment and drove him to the office I had my test done. He said he had somewhere to be, so I drove him home instead. I then drove slowly to the office. It was only 30 minutes later that the nurse, the same nurse I cried to 10 days before, told me as my breath was fixed in my chest and my eyes stoic and pointing, told me the confirmation, well, confirmed it.

HIV-1.

She was nice enough. She tried to calm my fears. It's a different time. This isn't the end. It's only a pill a day for the rest of my life to be normal again. It could be worse and she gave numerous examples.

It couldn't fix anything though. Even when my health is at 100 again my mind is diseased. Now I have a dark secret to keep. I will never be a hero, I'll be a sad story. If my body isn't sick, my mind will be sick with the story that's now written on my body and heart. One pill a day will remind me of the broken person I was on September 3rd.

I keep wishing I could go back and tell myself to chill tf out because there are things way worse. I keep wishing I could slap myself for not protecting myself more, there's always been a condom in the mix. Who expected the one time I didn't would be the time it mattered the most?

I called him directly after and told him he was a son of a bitch. That he had given me a lifelong burden. That he ruined my life because he lied. He retorted that I was wrong and I was crazy. He's the only person in two years almost that I had sex with. All other encounters were with my crush who never went anywhere when we hung out and we never went all the way. He said I was fufu and to stop hitting him up. Now he's out there hopefully not giving other people poison. It's scary that he didn't believe me.

That night, last night, I read my tarot for the first time in years. It had a message of hope, saying there's love in my future. A grand vision. Choices to be made.

Goddamn if I'm not more afraid, scared, more mad than I've ever been. There's energy pouting out of me from every direction but it feels stale and forced. I had a message of hope for my loved ones. That this was day one and I had 50 years to go. That I was going to be okay. That I would use this and do something good, make a difference in the world because now I have no choice but to dedicate myself to something more than myself.

Today is Day 2 and I'm a walking ghost. I tried to call out of work this morning because I felt the creeping hands of sadness push me further into my pillow. I thought about suicide again. My manager called me and told me I couldn't call out - they needed me. Those words gave me such a weird feeling I rolled out of bed and got ready for work. I'm on break now, and I'm emptied of all feeling. I can't fake it this time. I can't make the anger disappear. I can't turn back time. I can't do anything but wait for my appointment.

I've always been different. I've always felt sort of alone. I've always had the best friends I could ask for but I didn't realize it because I just wanted what they had. Someone to have. A person of my own to share myself with.

Now I'm a full embodiment of the stereotype. I'm gay, 23, black, feminine as allowed by my pride, and positive. And a hundred other things. There's this life-changing problem and I know I have a million more to go.

I'm about to go back into work and God help me if I don't feel like I have a red dot on my head. Or a poison bar floating above me or something. How am I going to do this?

I have two choices now, and it's ironic because it's the choice I've always had but now it's more real or enduring than I've ever experienced. Love myself or Perish. Perishing is such a real possibility. Loving myself is hard to do when you feel like you've already made the worst mistake you could have made already.

I have another appointment with the health center a week from today and I'm writhing. I now have another part-time job, keeping myself alive and healthy. This is day 2.

[tumblunni]

MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA

[little-owly]

also because I can't get this out of my head~ just imagine how ma//rk would react if ja//ck ever got hurt or scared by someone. He would be soooooo protective and give his baby boy so many hugs and promise him that everything is alright, while also secretly wanting to murder whoever hurt his baby in the first place!!

OH GOSH THATS CUTEEE AND THIS IS AN UNEDITED MESS BC I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE FIRST HALF OF THIS IM SORRRRYYY LITTLE JACK ANONmark and jack heading to the park one day. jack excitedly babbling about all the cool things they can do, like catch and hide and seek and the playground!! mark smiles as he dresses his baby boy up in a plain blue hoodie, black jeans, red sneakers, and a plain grey shirt. nothing too out of the ordinary -- you couldn't tell if he was little or diapered unless you directly asked him. that's how mark would like to keep it -- he know how...awkward it would be if anyone found out. jack packs his backpack with snacks and his plushie sammy -- while mark packs in jack's diaper changing supplies. the two giggling in the car before the park, singing along to a disney soundtrack. the two park and hold hands as mark picks a shady picnic table to sit under. smiling as he sets his baby boy's backpack down, "now jackie. you know the rules?""um...um..."he smiles, "no running around the sidewalks. no jumping off the benches. and no playing on the playground unless everyone's gone.""otay!! i 'member!!" jack smiles and runs down the grass to the swing set. giggling, mark checking his phone. the playground was empty -- kids playing at the basketball courts on the other side of the park. a mother on the phone as she pushes her stroller. a man playing fetch with his dog. a couple jogging. none of them paying any mind to jack as he takes his seat on the swing set. the bright red color of the swing contrasting with his blue and black outfit. jack pushes himself quickly on the swing. already excited as he goes higher and higher. giggling as he feels the wind blow his green bangs out of his face. absentmindedly pushing his thumb into his mouth and sucking as he waves over in mark's direction. enjoying the soft safe headspace he's in. playful and carefree -- paying no mind to the adults nearby. and thankfully, none of them paying mind to him.or so he thought. a man smoking a cigarette facing jack from behind. holding the chain of his swing -- stopping him. "why the fuck is a grown ass man like you on the playground for kiddies?" jack stops, thumb still in his mouth. blood running cold as he whimpers, trying to swing again. "answer me. you some sicko who hangs around kiddie places? kidnapper?"jack shakes his head. fearful and tearing up, he pulls his thumb out his mouth and starts to walk towards mark. he needed his daddy. he needed protection. he just needed mark more than ever. the man grabs jack without any warning -- tugging him by his blue hoodie. jack yelping out as he tries to escape. the man snickering, "what? are you a pervert hanging around fucking places like these? probably planning on taking a little gal or boy, perverted freak." "p-please," jack cries. the man turning jack around. the couple from before slowing down as they watch, confused and on alert. so imagine their surprise when the man takes a swing at jack, jack falling down onto the sand of the playground. terrified and alone, screaming out for mark, for help, even for sammy. "you're a fucking freak--" the man yells, "a p//ed//o looking for a kid! why else would you be here?" he laughs as he kicks jack's legs, who was scrambling away. the couple intervene before mark comes rushing in. blood boiling as he helps jack up. the man shouting curses and insults towards jack. "the fuck is you? his helper? you probably drive the getaway car after kidnapping a kid--" the man falls over as mark kicks him hard in the groin. the couple helping jack stand up as mark takes him from them. "wait! don't you want to call the cops?!" the girlfriend shouts at mark, "he's really hurt!""i'm driving him to the hospital! i'm so sorry!" is all mark can get out before carrying jack back to the car. hastily picking up their bag and setting his baby boy in the front seat, comforting him as best he can. driving them away from the park as he curses the man. seeing him still down on the ground as the couple presumably calls the police. he hugs jack across the console and holds back his own tears, "its gonna be alright, jackie. daddy's gonna make it all go away. daddy's not gonna let anyone touch you ever again. you're gonna be alright."///"d-daddy..." jack sobs, shaking as he clings to mark hours later in their bedroom. still shaken up and terrified, "m-mean man hurted m-m-me...""i know jackie, i know. he had no right to say or do those things to you. im so sorry i wasnt there to help you." mark hugs him back. his anger replaced with guilt. why would he leave him alone? why would he leave him at his most vulnerable? and why would some asshole ruin it for them?"c-cheek hurty, daddy, why it purple?"mark sighs, "its going to hurt for a while, jackie. the doctor patched it up as best he could. its a matter of healing, okay? daddy can give you the medicine to help it stop aching."jack nods, nuzzling into mark's neck. stomach twisting as he remembers the harsh lights of the emergency room. the nurses and doctors poking at him, and of course mark crying as he yelled about how badly it hurt. how he wanted to just go home. and now, here they were. back in each others arms."daddy?""yeah, baby boy?""...i love you, im sowwy for today.""oh, baby boy. you don't have to be sorry for everything. the world's a big and scary place. but you know what, its also full of nice people and happiness -- like you and me and your friends," mark giggles as chica jumps up on their bed, "and even chica."jack giggles as he pets her, "i sawed you cry and didnt wike it...im gon' get better for you, pwomise, daddy."mark kisses jack's untouched cheek and smiles, "maybe when you're all better we can go to a different park. and daddy will be right there to push you as high as you can go on the swings."jack perks up, "weally?! even to tha moon?!"with a soft giggle, mark nods, "even to the moon and stars.

[maetaurus]

Doctor Appointment #1

so i went to the doctor today to start antidepressants. i talked to my counselor about it a few months ago but then didnt act on it. but these last few weeks have been pretty bad so i finally called and made an appointment. i know that getting help either by going to therapy or starting meds can be scary and intimidating. so i want to share my experiences in the hopes that it’ll someday help at least one person. 

so when i got called back by a nurse i was weighed which i always hate but she was nice and she wasnt judgy or anything. then we went to the exam room and she checked my blood pressure and my pulse and clarified all the medical info she had for me. then she asked me why i was there, which im assuming she probably knew already since i had to tell them when i made my appointment but she probably had to ask. so i told her that i wanted to start antidepressants and she basically just asked if i have any allergies to meds or if ive taken any antidepressants before and how long ive felt depressed. then we did some more basic info like me asking for the flu shot and her giving me a consent form for it. so all that with the nurse was fine and it was just generic info.

then the doctor came in and ive seen her once before earlier this year so i knew she was nice and i wasnt too worried. again we started off with some generic info like going over what the nurse did and stuff. this time the generic stuff was much shorter and then we got to the real reason why i was there. she asked me the same basic questions at first then got more in depth. she asked me how long id felt this way, if id ever thought about hurting myself or others, if i had a good support system, etc. she also asked me what i enjoy doing and i said youtube and crafty stuff. and she was super nice and said that i need to hold onto those things, even if its something small. but that every little thing i enjoy is important. i just really liked that she said that. she also asked how my depression feels, like if it feels like i dont wanna get out of bed and i dont enjoy doing anything, or if im sad or angry all the time, or all of the above. 

wed pretty much gotten the question part over with now and she just talked me through everything. she said that the medicine wont start to take effect for a couple weeks but even then itll take 4-6 weeks till i reach like the max effect this drug will have on me. she reminded me that there are lots of kinds of antidepressants and some might not work for me and thats okay and if this one doesnt then we can just try another. i think she did a really good job explaining how its gonna make me feel, which i appreciate. i know theres a big stigma around meds and how they change you or whatever, which btw isnt true, but she knew that too and made sure to explain it to me that the meds wont change me or my personality but its just gonna help stabilize my mood. 

so she put me on Citalopram which is like the generic name for Celexa. i’ll be starting off with 10mg a day for 6 days then i’ll move up to 20mg a day. i have a follow up appointment with her a couple days after ill finish this prescription and i dont have any refills for it. i think im going to reschedule my appointment for the day i finish this bottle so that i wont go even one day without taking it since id be able to get the next prescription that day.

i was pretty scared going into this. i was worried she would ask me what happened to make me depressed and it would get super personal but that didnt happen. she asked me generic questions that told her how i was feeling but we never got into too specific of details about why. she even gave me a long list of local therapists that her other patients have had success with so ill be checking those out. she was super nice and i felt comfortable and in control the whole time. she didnt ask any questions that were too personal and she made sure i was well informed.

i know that not everyone will have as good of an experience as i did and that the policy is probably different depending on where you live but this is just my own personal experience. i know that im incredibly lucky to have a doctor who is so understanding and well informed on what depression really feels like.

ill be continuing this like mini blog series i guess you could call it. hopefully itll be really short and this medicine will work for me but i know that it might not and thats okay. im going to tag all of these posts the same way so if you find it at all triggering then please blacklist it. i want to share my experiences to help others, not hurt them. also if you have any questions then you can message me. you can go on anon if you want it to be anonymous or if you want it to be private then use the messenger thing or just say so in your message. im open to talking about my experiences so dont be afraid to just ask me anything.