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late-night-saiyuree · 5 years ago

Text

week 2: profile podcast

(since my audio doesn't want to upload, here is the text version of said podcast) (please do not die from having to look at a screen for the most immense amount of time to get through this interview) (I did this interview with my 18 year old sister) (please excuse the excessive use of the word like)

saiyuree: okay so this is my profile podcast according to the questionnaire. my personality type is ESTJ-A, which means that I need order, I value honesty and dedication, and reliability. it says I am an executive type which means I am strong-willed, direct and patient. I also enjoy creating order.

sanjana: you're definitely not patient. like you can't wait for people - everything has to be at your pace. honest yes but sometimes you don't always have to be as honest as you are. like not everyone wants to be criticised (constructive or otherwise) like you do with your work. some people just want to be told that it looks nice. and yeah you are reliable, especially when it comes to me.

saiyuree: yay okay yeah I know I’m impatient. I forget that not everyone has the same capabilities as I do, not that they're more than others, but I do have a particular way of working that keeps me in check for what I need to do. I work systematically which helps my work flow and it doesn't take that long to finish things. so for most of the personality percentage things its in the middle which describes me very well in my opinion. other than my anger, I think I control everything quite well. it says I am 64% extraverted and 36% introverted in terms of how I interact with my environment.

sanjana: uhm ya. definitely. especially since you started college. like you had a lot of friends in high school but I think the friends you have now made you more sociable. like you say you go and talk to people when you go out - people you don't know - and you, well I don't think you would've done that voluntarily in high school. you’re more yourself than and comfortable now than you ever were.

saiyuree: I think I've grown into myself more now, like since I started gymming and now that I do dancing which is something I always loved, it made me experience more things that make me happy, but also taught me something. like it’s something I’m learning that's is fun so I enjoy doing it. and of course having a job - waitressing - forces me to talk to people and be bubbly, outgoing otherwise I dont make money.

sanjana: you’ve always been like that with me but that's a different kind of relationship. I live with you so I see who you really are and this is you being that but in the world.

saiyuree: hectic bro you’re smart. for energy, I am 51% observant and 49% intuitive, which is basically the same amounts just a little different. but its true that I observe more than act on instinct.

sanjana: you like watching people but you also act accordingly, so if someone gives you a lot of energy you give that back and if someones boring you’ll be boring to them - or until we both find a way to leave them :D

saiyuree: well ya i’m not gonna be around someone whose boring me. id even go sit with the adults and talk about the price of avocados.

sanjana: how many more of these?

saiyuree: 3.

sanjana: yoh aunty.

saiyuree: stop distracting me and we can get through this faster smh. nature - how I make decisions and cope with emotions is 57% thinking and 43% feeling.

sanjana: what emotions do you have lmao. this test is really accurate ngl. uhm but I think you weigh up the pros and cons of each situation and go on that first, then use emotion - at least that's what you tell me to do when I ask you for advice. like we’ll talk about what happened and ask why this and this happened but that's always what we do in the end to try and solve it/

saiyuree: recently I've been using a lot of emotion to make my decisions and that made everything go downhill. a lot. so im glad its all going back to more thinking. I know I can make informed decisions but this year kinda shifted in some type of way. but ya next. tactis reflects our approach to work, planning and decision making. I am 58% judging and 42% prospecting

sanjana: I don't know how you work but I think you do it how they taught us in LO...?

saiyuree: how do you mean?

sanjana: like you make a timetable, plan out all the things due and work backwards from that. like you don't do what you feel like doing which is good cos then you do all the work but .... uhm ya that's is.

saiyuree: lol. but it does take me some time to come up with ideas though.

sanjana: ya but you do all the work that doesn't involve creativity then. like you’d do the other work that you need and do your work according to what you feel like doing, but within the things you chose to do that day.

saiyuree: I think everyone does that.

sanjana: and like earlier you said how when you give advice you look at the facts first. that's how you make decisions also.

saiyuree: I think I’m good when it comes to other people’s lives but not mine. sometimes mine. like when my laptop was stolen, the one I have now, I made that decision in 10 minutes, but it was a R20k decision. but then I take days to figure out if I wanna buy a top.

sanjana: getting a laptop was based on need - you needed a laptop.

saiyuree: true, also I have clothes so that's maybe why I always second guess buying clothes. cos I don't actually need more but I get them cos I want them. okay and then the last one is identity. this trait underpins all others showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions. I am 51% assertive and 49% turbulent. like I said they’re more or less all in the middle but this one depends on the situation.

sanjana: and the person.

saiyuree: ugh ya. not anymore.

sanjana: hopefully.

saiyuree: okay but now analyse.

sanjana: I want chips.

saiyuree: this is the last one i’ll get you after.

sanjana: ugh fine. you're only assertive if you know you want or don't want something. if you know you know. if you’re in-between about it, it usually turns into a yes. like chips. but for the most part you know.

saiyuree: do you think I’m easily swayed?

sanjana: yes and no.

saiyuree: wow thank you that helps.

sanjana: let me explain. if you have the means to do something then you will, even if it puts you out. like taking people home after you’re out - cough - like you’ll sacrifice stuff for everyone even when they don't do the same for you. I think that's what you need to work on.

saiyuree: but what about being a good person. and doing good for others will bring good to you.

sanjana: if you're good to bad unappreciative people then that doesn't help.

saiyuree: hmmm.

sanjana: ya.

saiyuree: okay so we’re done.

sanjana: jhas get me chips :)

#BS220

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thatswhatshername · 7 years ago

Text

... Things not to say.

I'm not allowed to be lonely or depressed but it's ok for you to say that this relationship not only makes you lonely but also suicidal? Wow. That emotional blackmail shit is real af. Maybe that's why you always think I'm trying to make you responsible for my feelings- because that's what you do. With you interior motives and shit. But I'm supposed to sit compliantly and continuously give you the benefit of the doubt. Sick.

What I'm hearing you say is that you cannot or will not be there for me unless it is convenient for you. That is fine. I will handle myself accordingly.

-being there for someone is based when the needs of that someone...not your convenience.

-I shouldn't be laying next to you wanting to die and not be able to approach you for comfort.

-stop telling me that people told you not to be with me. Stop telling me that people don't think you should be with me. Why would you be telling me this? It just makes you look like a bitch ass nigga.

-you say that you can handle things but...you never ever do.

-how will we survive as a union if we can't actually deal with each other.

-stop telling me that I'm not logical...you're literally the least logical person I know so you couldn't possibly tell one way or the other.

-I honestly think you're a piece of shitty work. And yea, you're also stupid. But those goals and values give me reason to believe that this is worth the work... even though I've never witnessed you actually meet a goal......or stand by your values....... so I guess I'm working off hope and good will and benefit of the doubt..... Little do you know...smh.

-I've never yelled like this in my entire life... you've pushed me to a lower point than I've ever been... and you want an apology for my yelling and storming off...

-you get up to go sleep on the couch.........wow.

-the pain and stress of this relationship is sucking up all the energy I use to survive... this relationship is going to kill me... and because I don't want to live, it looks like I'm going to let it...

You literally can't function without an apology for whatever hurt you feelings even if it wasn't wrong. But you never apologize for your wrongdoings or the hurt you cause. I don't understand how you can be so destructive and so stubbornly holding grudges at the same time. These are terrible characteristics. I hope you recognize them and grow out of them soon.

Ok so... is it that you're only super busy and eating with a lot when I'm not around? Because if I hadn't had to leave yesterday, I'd still be there and all last week when I was there, you didn't have shit to do or deal with.. so..... are you like...ignoring your entire life and responsibilities when I'm around or do you instantly pick up a ton of shit to do as soon as I leave your side? Because it sounds like you're bull shitting me or just flat out lying.

-how could you possibly tell me what's difficult for me?? You literally can't know that information. There is literally no mechanism for measuring such a thing- or at least not available to the public. So.....just stop. Stop trying to force me to do shit based on your idea of how doable it is for you. I am not you.

-wow...you can't compromise on getting what you want. You have to eat what you want exactly the way you want it despite it not existing at all until I offer it... I honestly think you're only making this demand because you know that I'm uncomfortable giving this information in the current moment. I gave you several different ways that you can receive this information but you shut down anything I say because you want it now and exactly the way you want it..... It has nothing to do with you caring about the situation or caring about me. And this whole reasoning based on wanting to know for the sake of deciding whether you want to deal with a person who's been through whatever experiences or if you want to deal with possibly having children with mental health issues is complete bull shit. Honestly, if this was about anything other than your ego and you wanting me to just do whatever the fuck you tell me to do, you could've easily gotten what you wanted by now. Logically, it has nothing to do with getting the information. If the information was most important to you, you would've done what you had to do to get it. But because it wasn't, you didn't. Instead, you stuck to your ultimatum. You stuck to getting what you asked for- what you demanded. Because getting what you ask for is more important to you than anything else. And that's honestly sickening as fuck. So fuck you. If you wanna leave, fuck you. Fine. Leave. As often as you tell me to leave, it makes sense that that's what you really want. When you say that this isn't the place for me, if you care o much about me, I would hope that you wouldn't stay in a situation that you believe is causing me harm. If I sincerely thought that I was causing you harm, I would leave you alone. But you don't want to be the first to leave. Just like you don't want to be the first to apologize. You can never be the bigger person. Smh. Little bitch nigga.

It's so disappointing to know that you are almost never willing to be the bigger person. You're almost never willing to go the extra mile. You're almost never willing to stand up and the man. You just whine about people not treating you as such- not respecting you, not treating you like an authority or not treating you like you're above in some way. But the thing is, you're not. You're small. You're a small person. There's no reason for anyone to look up to you or give you any more respect than any other living thing. There's no reason to honor you. There's nothing about you and nothing you've done that makes me or anyone else see you as any type of leader or boss or authority on anything. And when I ask you to be the one to step up and be something, you throw a fit because it's not your "responsibility" to take initiative... 💀💀💀 And you're so offended and that's such bs that you put a pillow between us... wow. That's some bitch ass shit. It's a reoccurring issue that you're just a little bitch.

Again........being a little bitch.

1. Don't tell me about anyone throwing shade at me in your presence. Especially when you don't have the capacity to check they ass. I've already asked you not to share shit like that with me. Now, it is a command. Do not tell me shit about people talking shit about me to you or in your presence.

2. Why is it that every time I have an issue with something you do, you flip it around and make the conversation about you and some issue you have with me??? Stop with the comparisons.

-damn...ugh. Hours and hours later and you're still whining and being a little bitch?? This is not helping your case. Little bitch ass bitch. Lordy. Exhausting. Smh.

-you send me into violent whirlwinds of depression. I've never experienced crashes like this throughout my life before you. I'm honestly afraid to continue this situation. What if it literally kills me? I don't want to risk giving you that guilt. I don't want to risk people blaming you and attack you for it. I don't want you to fall apart and kill yourself too. So...really, it might be better to just not be together. I cause you constant grief. You cause me constant grief. We're doing each other more harm than good.

You feel disrespected and unappreciated... I'm convinced that I am too big for you. I understand that I am a lot of things. But I think on all that I am and consider the thoughts and feelings of everyone I come in contact with on the daily basis and I am confident that I am not what you say I am. I don't morph into a terrible person when I'm dealing with you and then go back to being myself when you're not around. You have certain sensitivities that I might not be able to cater to. And because of the way you handle things, I don't have the desire to figure out how to cater to your sensitivities. Your juvenile behavior only adds to the sentiment of you being a small minded and weak willed person. I don't know how I could survive a marriage with you.

-it's getting to the point where.. this relationship just isn't worth it. Especially in terms of marriage? Why are you marrying me? Do you feel like you have to? Do you still feel pressured from these unspoken things that you get from my vibes or whatever? I know that you want to be married..... but I don't want you to marry me at the cost of us being miserable. Don't marry me if I make you miserable. And if I don't make you miserable, stop acting like I do.

-the fact that me asking for one thing led to all of this. Why can't you just stop telling me when people have negative sentiments toward me. That's all I'm asking for. But because that means you didn't handle it enough for me, I don't appreciate you. Because I didn't let you end a conversation by hanging up in my face, I'm disrespectful. Because you're upset, I mistreat you. Honestly...it's laughable. You're a joke. You're absolutely ridiculous. Extremely inconsistent. Completely illogical. And quite frankly, a large portion of what you do and say in response to things you dislike are unreasonable and unprogressive. I don't even know how I tolerate you. And to think, I'm constantly looking back and checking myself and taking responsibility for things and making compromises and changes to myself to appear you. Not that I'm doing things that make me better or help me to grow, just things that appear you for a moment in time until you change again and then I have to change for you again. But me? I'm actually making a better life for you. Making you better for you. You will never be worse than you were when you met me. I upgrade you're entire character but you see that as a bad thing. Like oh, you changed because of me and oh, your life changed because of me. Hm, yes. You're right. Cleaner, healthier, more mindful, less socially inept... seems like I'm helping you be a good human. But no. Because you were happy enough before... lol. Because ignorance is bliss, the good I bring to your life is considered bad. I'm shamed and scolded for these things. Lol. Fuck you. Fuck you and your idiot ass. Bitch ass idiot ass nigga. You idiot. Your aunt Leslie was trying to tell you not to fuck this up. She saw the gold in me. But you flat out tell me to my face that I am not golden and that you will never see me as such and you refuse to think highly of me?? Ohhh sweetheart...... I wish I could save you from yourself. You're going to lose me and realize that there is nothing and no one better. Now, I might lose you and realize that there is no one big enough for me but there are definitely men who are better than you. My being alone is better than you. So the comparisons will never go in your favor. I'm trying me best not to give you what you deserve but you make it so hard.. You know for a fact that I am naturally giving and helpful and that I constantly build people up and provide for people and lift people's spirits in a million different ways. But you fight me on that. You want to feel special so none of those things are of value to you unless no one else is receiving that care and kindness. Do you know how childish and idiotic and selfish you sound? Grow up. Just do it. Do it now. Because you're too old for this bs. I know that you're only a year older than I am but even I'm old enough to check myself. You talk about being wise but true wisdom would be for you to take charge of your character and develop the skills to handle most situations with grace as opposed to throwing a tantrum and telling your soon to be wife that she's not allowed in the space you've previously decided to share just because you're upset. Lol. Get your panties out of your ass. Stand up straight. And get your fucking life. Smh. So ridiculous.

-you want to be treated like this.....man. Like a MAN. But you ain't no man! You are a boy. You can't even stand for anything like a man. You are a boy. Stop acting like a baby boy and then being angry and throwing tantrums when people don't meet your expectations of being treated like a man... slap yourself. Lol.

You don't want me to seem like I need you or need anything but the basics- otherwise there's too much pressure on you. But you want to see my appreciation of you at every move you make. It's clear that thank you's, cooking and cleaning, shoulder rubs, groceries, and gas money aren't enough to make you feel appreciated. So...what exactly are you looking for? Just compliance, right? Getting what you want when you want it is the key to happiness for you. Compliance and control. Power. Power seems to be your issue here. And I don't know how to help you with that. Your power is over yourself. You will never have power over me. Especially as long as you're so hungry for it.

Me giving you my time and attention equals me taking up your time and attention. Me giving you things equals me not appreciating you or looking down on what you have yourself. Me being great equals me considering myself greater than you. Am I getting these things right? *sighs* You're honestly just proving to me that you're a nut job. That you're an emotional wreck and a manipulative sicko. I'm never going to try to prove myself to you because I am already committed to my work and my growth and my greatness. You need to learn to do the same for yourself and take responsibility for that shit because it's not for me- it's for your very own soul. Save yourself. Don't play yourself.

You specifically said that you didn't love me before. And now, you've said that I will never be golden to you. You're actually abusive and I understand that you attack whenever you're hurt or aggravated or frustrated...but...that doesn't make it ok. And it's taking longer than I'd hoped to forgive you for all of the things you purposely say and do in an effort to hurt me or bring me down. I know that you're sick and I want to help you but I can't help you if you're constantly trying to break me. I'm not saying that I don't believe you love me... but I think that you're mental and emotional health problems keep you from being able to love me or receive love from me. It's making you a danger to me.

-your perception is so fucked. You only see terrible things. Anything can set you off. Literally anything can be a trigger for you. I don't know how to care for you or give you peace in your heart or help you manage your emotions. You're so manipulative and abusive with this emotional blackmail shit...always playing the victim. You put every flaw you have on me as if I have it too or caused it for you. And these games you play... trying to be everything you hate about me...as if that proves anything besides the fact that you're a terrible sick person. You're making this so hard. Trying to test me. Trying to make me prove something to you. Setting up obstacles to see if I'll jump through fire for you. And I would. But what if I just can't jump very high? What if I jump a million times and never make it through? Maybe I'm just not the person you need or want.

-are you trying to make me leave? Are you trying to break me? Are you trying to push me away? Are you trying to make me give up? Are you trying to show me that I shouldn't want to be here because you don't want to be here? If you're done...just.....leave. It's ok. I don't want to hate you. You don't have to make it as terrible as possible to make it ok. It's ok to leave if you just don't want to be here. Don't torture me. You can't make me leave. I wish you'd stop trying.

You went from passive aggressive to aggressive and controlling. You've made it clear what you're looking for. You've proven yourself to be exactly what I think you are. If this is truly your reality, I will retrieve my things and remove myself from your life. Fine. Embarrassing. But it's fine.

I'm working really hard to learn how to deal with you. So far, you're a paranoid pessimist, passive-aggressive, complainer, blame-placer, and manic depressive person. I don't know if I have what it takes to help you. I'm exhausted and I still have my own issues to deal with at the end of the day. I wish you were open enough to help me help you.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. You're feeling like you're working through your issues alone... You are. That's what you said you needed. And I can't easily defy your senseless wishes when I have no car or money. So...? Ok. You need food and love. No car or money = no food.. but, what does love look like to you? Besides bending to your every request and/or demand? I understand that you're going through a lot right now...but I still don't know when to take your words at face value and when to ignore you, keep the routine up, and let the storm pass. I don't know how to give you opposing things. I can't do the wishy washy flip flop with you. I can't change my lifestyle every day to match a new set of rules/needs/wants based on your mood. I love you but you're way isn't working.

---3.22.17

I know that as your partner, you want (and in most cases should have) access to me no matter what. I know that. The few cases where I believe that you aren't entitled to that access is when you are purposely causing harm. I do believe that there are different effects of actions based on the intentions behind them. Intentional harm is more severe than unintentional/accidental harm. It's true in life just as it is in the law.

You have come to some conclusions about me that lead you to be intentionally harmful to me whether it's in an effort to get your way or get your point across or get me to do something-behave a certain way... and... it's just not working. I'm not an animal that you can train by shocks or pops on the nose or sprays of water. Harming me does not change my behavior. I'm human. Knowledge changes my thinking- therefore changing my behavior and my approach on things.

For example, you're being insensitive and inconsiderate of my feelings and depression. Saying that I use my mental illness as a crutch. Not knowing that I worked through my feelings and illness for over 10 years before I was even willing to admit that I even felt that pain or needed help at all. So now that I'm finally at a point in my life where I am willing to speak about it and willing to get help, it infuriates me when people treat me as if I'm just weak. Or as if I am just lazy and not taking responsibility for my own wellness. I am. One of the first things they told me to do was to reach out to loved ones/supportive people.

I recognize that loved ones may not always count as supportive people and that all supportive people may not be loved ones. So I can accept that you can be one and without being the other- and I'm not trying to force you to be both. Just understand that if you aren't fighting with me, I can't be concerned with how you're affected as a bystander. Whether you're being caught between blows by me against the illness or by blows directly from the illness itself. If the fight is not your problem, the effects the fight has on you are not my problem. My wellness is more important to me. I don't have a choice.

You probably think I'm being stubborn. -that I'm stubbornly not apologizing for my actions at the cost of me getting what I want (contact with you). But in actuality, I don't regret my actions. I regret having a negative affect on you. And I don't want to be in contact with you until I feel like you're less harmful to me- and I don't feel that way yet. I still feel like you're trying to train me as if I'm some type of subordinate to you.

Using all sorts of things as tools of manipulation, makes me more and more uncomfortable complying with your demands. You thinking that making the situation more extreme will force me to comply, is incorrect. It will leave you and I both at a loss. Your need for control is scary to me. You will never be in control of me. That is not what marriage is. You trying to manipulate me with extreme measures and ultimatums is unacceptable. I will not comply based on anything but my own will and my own desire to please you- not your desire to be pleased.

So...if you actually want to talk to me, you're stubbornness in holding out until you get the specific apology you gave an ultimatum for is stopping you from getting what you want. Both the apology as well as contact.

4.27.17

You called me baby for the first time. We're a strong 2 weeks out of our mental emotional episodes and all is well. I think that understanding the sickness and troubles we have individually is finally giving us an opportunity to support each other and giving/receiving that support is doing us a lot of good. I love you. I hope that we can do everything we need to do to make this work.

4.29.17

I realize that it's probably because of the disorder but I can't deal with the blowing things out of proportion. I'm not allowed to have any issue- definitely not allowed to ask you to solve any issue -because it's just flipped back on me as if I'm ruining your entire life. Extremes. All or nothing. I honestly don't even know who you would be without these behaviors.. but I sure af hope I find out...very soon.

-I'm sorry that I can't live with the cat. I wish I could deal with it. I with I didn't notice so many small details. I wish I had another solution to offer. But I don't. I've been having an issue since before February... nothing has changed and nothing has gotten any better. No solutions have been put into play. No amount of wiping or vacuuming has worked. I understand that you need a calm outlet. I'm looking for other things to help you with that. But I can't feel this disgusting in a place I have to come back to every single day. I can't avoid or throw out food constantly or just eat cat hair. I know that my feelings are extreme to you, maybe I have OCD too. But I've tried to just deal with it, I've tried to hold my tongue, grit and bear it.. I bought a fucking vacuum.. it's just too much. I understand that the cat is young and it'll shed less at some point.. But I need a solution to make this space livable in two months- 63 days to be exact. I can't live like this. I can't even chill temporarily like this. I can barely sit on the couch.. I'm uncomfortable in the bed.. being naked.. my shower towel.. eating anything... I'm sorry but I just can't deal. I've been trying since I first got in here.. I can't even re-wear my clothes if I sit in the wrong place in here... I mean...? I'm sorry. I just can't.

-💀you just shaved your whole face out of frustration? 😂😂😂 you look like your dad...who looks like a pedophile murderer creep... so I'm laughing.......but not really...

I can't stand the drama. Constant drama.

4.30.17

-unsent text"I need you to care. I need you to care enough to help or at least try to help. But you don't. And you won't. You make it clear that you didn't choose to be here and that you barely want me around and that all your sacrifices/compromises aren't worth it- whatever it is. I would prefer to not just...be a burden and make your life hell and apparently change you're entire life for worse. I see that you think you shouldn't do anything because I apparently put us here all on my own. Apparently if I want to be with you I should put up with whatever there is to put up with and if I have complaints, I should just shove them because I chose to pursue this situation. Just FYI, I wasn't pursuing an intimate relationship. I wanted to be someone who you could count on and lean on because you seemed to feel like you were/are alone- not based on your own choice. Someone to care for you because you were/are clearly unwell and not taken care of. I just wanted to be there for you. You decided that you didn't want a friend. You decided to focus on marriage. You decided to be exclusive. You decided to prompt me to move in and be around. You wanted this and you chose this and there was no facade and you were not tricked. I am done."

5.10.17

I've really been trying. To be here and to be happy. I honestly feel hopeless. I feel like this will never be a good thing. I'm so unhappy. I'm so lonely even when you're around. I feel like I should be with almost anyone else. I feel like you can't be bothered with my feelings unless they're blatantly about leaving you. I can't live like this. July feels like a death sentence. I have to actively silence my thoughts to keep from praying to die. I would rather just not be here. I can't handle anything for you or anything about you. I don't want to be a stress, burden, trigger, or any type of negative for you. But since I am, I don't know why you want me here. I would rather just not. I'm so hurt. I'm so alone. I should've checked out by now. I can't live like this.

5.16.17

I should start documenting good times as well. Maybe I could use them to calm myself when times like these get overwhelming...like now. This battle with unhealthy ideals of fairness and equality and reciprocity... I can't deal. It seems like there are endless things that I can't deal with. It seems like I have too many boundaries, rules, standards...and I notice too many details. I make you uncomfortable. You feel like you can't have anything and you can't do anything... So, I feel like I'm holding you back from the freedom and joy you feel entitled to. So...what am I supposed to do? Since I'm the problem, I should change or leave, right? But if I change, you become the problem. So, what I'm hearing in all of this is that I should leave. What I'm hearing is that I am not the person for you. What I'm hearing is that I am not a good partner for you. And apparently you aren't really a good partner for me either. I'm honestly just so over this shit. I hope and pray for God to take me every fucking day. It's so exhausting. Fuck it.

5.17.17

Unsent: "So...you said you were ok... you said that you were over it... Then you start acting out on my phone like a little bitch. How does this make sense? Stfu talking to me nigga."

5.22.17

Stop walking into my realm full of gloom and resentment. Take a deep breath and drop that shit outside the door. I can't take that shit. I hate doing so much to make you happy and none of it counts or matters because it doesn't look like reciprocity or because you're salty about some stupid shit that you fucking caused. Fuck you. Keep wondering why I'm not sure. Need to start wondering if you need to look for a new fiancé.

You think I'm asleep but I'm actually just relaxing into a prayer that we get hit dead across by a semi truck.

You think you're little attitude and passive aggressive behaviors when you say you're ok is just aggravating to me but in reality, I'm trying my best not to jump out of the window or slit my throat or shatter everything in the apartment...across your head.

You think that these things are small. To you they're just little snags. And maybe they should be. But to me they aren't. To me they're strikes against us. And boy oh boy do we rack'em up. We have more bad days than good. I think that's a problem. I think that's reason to step the fuck out of this. I'd rather leave than slowly hate you deeper and deeper.

5.23.17

Oh, no kiss goodbye? Because you're still upset? Oh. Since you said that you were good and implied that I was the one trippin, I thought I'd believe you... but that's the type of thing you can't help but lie about, right? Every single time. "I'm gonna sleep soundly tonight".....bs. Not when you avoid touching me with every fiber of your soul... and not when you specifically don't do things that are normal to us and that I've asked you to do and that you like to do... out of spite and salty ass bitch ass having an attitude... I hope you know I'm a light sleeper. So I hear you bitching to yourself while you get ready in the morning.........bitching about some shit that you were supposed over or ok with or good about...

Just FYI, you're an idiot. I didn't use the cat as some excuse as to why I'm not doing anything. I don't need an excuse to not do some shit that's just for me... You're not getting rid of the cat for me to paint here. You're getting rid of the cat so that I can eat, sit, walk, and sleep in peace.. Quite frankly, I could've been painting somewhere else but you didn't want me to... Also, I didn't apologize for not accepting you're "ok" in place of yes. I apologized for telling you what to do...as opposed to asking or suggesting. If you answer "ok" to a yes or no question, it implies that your answer is not yes or no and that you might prefer something else. But instead of voicing that something else, you hold it in like a little bitch so that you can pout about it for the next 18 hours. My point is to be direct...so that you can stop doing that little bitch ass attitude shit because it's hard not to see you as a little bitch- it's hard to respect you as a grown, intelligent person when you're acting like a passive aggressive little bitch having a mini tantrum for a continuous 18 hours... I hope you have a nice day- even though you constantly go out of your way to ruin mine. 🖕🏾

6.17.17

I can't say goodnight? What, it was 30 minutes earlier than you falling asleep? Things like this are why I feel like trying to please you is hopeless. I'm literally in trouble for doing something kind. It's as if everything I do or say is just wrong. I can't do anything right. Walking on eggshells and still failing.

I don't what I'm supposed to do here.

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crashintodash901 · 8 years ago

Text

Rare jewel

Rare jewel Rare jewel Rare jewel I have damaged being stupid ignorant knowing that I only loved you that night you asked me what did love mean to me knew what I wanted to say but I left and found out what love really mean Rare jewel we first met it our 11th grade year you was in my chemistry class and in my head I knew I really liked you so I decided to try and talk to you by being lab partner and I left because I was scared but since that day forward we walked past each other in the hallway speaking like every day on towards the end of senior year you made a dent in my heart from that day forward not knowing will I ever get to see you again was until that day on Facebook I messaged you and then the next thing I know we talked for like a month and then it was like November or towards December when you asked me to go to the mall with you I thought you where playing and then next thing Ikno you pulled up at my house I was thought I was dreaming smh we went to the mall and I enjoyed that day with you even though I ended up wondering off lol but and then next we went to this ice cream place you loved and sat and talked sitting there and getting lost in your beautiful smile and sense of humor I knew I had actually fell in love with you from that day forward we talked like every single day you use to get upset when I called you buddy i didn't kno it made you mad lol so I stopped then you invited me to your birthday dinner and I was late as usual I saw you In that pink dress looking so beautiful I was like wow you are so beautiful that what was going on in my head lol but then we actually went out on a date to the movies and watched that singing movie lol and after the movie you realized you left your keys in the car we sat outside the theatre talking and laughing waiting on your sister and then afterwards we went to McDonald's where you locked me out of the car cause I was trying to prove a point about the real rocks on a garbage can lol from that day forward I knew I had found my self a Rare Jewel I came up to visit you when you was in college I had enjoyed every visit showing me around up there having fun trying new things you showed me a lot being together only 6 months I knew I fell in love lol I remember the first time I told you I love you it was threw a text you didn't wanna hear it that way lol so I practice saying it before you came home on you summer break lol and when you did you finally got to hear it face to face it was loving and amazing we had so many beautiful times together traveling as a couple to Knoxville all within our first year of being together our second year was great as well we went on tones of dates and going swimming at the casino it was funny cause I was trying to teach how to swim that didn't go so well lol we still had fun even though you called me your fish cause I liked swimming we hit a rough patch that year but we overcame it you helped me out in so many ways and you was always there for me even though you was 6 hrs away I adored you so very much our third year together we had a blast you took me to my very first concert to see my favorite Artist J.Cole lol I held you in my arms the entire Night smiling from ear to ear I heart growing bigger and bigger with you inside. Then I was left for the holidays you and your family opened up the doors for me to celebrate thanksgiving with you all that year I just wanted to break down and cry I knew I wanted to be with you forever enjoyed that year together with you helping me fix stuff like with your car and your moms car and your sister car changing the light bulbs and stuff and enjoying washing our cars together then that following year I remember when I came to stay with you at the house you was watching before you left for Italy we had a blast from cooking our on dinner to just going out traveling Knox and going to the gun range then we had a fall out that night before I left the next day we sleeper without you being in my arms it devastating knowing I just shouldn't have been so stubborn smh Idk why but once again we got over that and then you left for Italy I messed you for a whole week couldn't wait to make up to you but the holidays came around again it was another blessed year again having fun eating good you been there for three all of my downs and even when nobody else was you where the best thing ever in my life you saw me threw success and my down falls knowing the only reason you pushed me so hard cause you saw something in me no one else could see it that was a successful man when you broke up with me that night I I didn't show up to the dinner you cooked for me for my bday I didn't mean to hurt you or stand you up you right I did make excuses and my heart was telling me to come to you but I didn't come threw like I was suppose to we went two weeks without talking and then when we finally did I thought you didn't want both to do with me anymore you where enjoying yourself and I was the one hurting on the inside just being stubborn and ignorant again so we eventually made up and you came over to my apartment and I cooked you dinner lol but my biscuits wasn't done all the way lol it was fun and I saw that beautiful smile again and not seeing you cry made me happy we cooked almost every other night when we had Tim from cooking breakfast lol 9 pm at night to making our own pizzas lol jumping to 2016 you took me out of Memphis again on a plane to the big apple I was scared I admitted but i had a blast in you told me it would be ok I got lose and started enjoying being in the sky we landed in New York we had a blast walking around enjoying the city even when I ripped my pants trying to climb a rock with you i was still happy and seeing you smile and being happy I knew I wanted you in my life forever once again we had blast when we was there and seeing that beautiful sight looking over New York from the top of the Empire State Building was beautiful having that experience with you we got back to Memphis i just wanted to go back and stay with you lol thanksgiving came around again we had a blast eating good good food and you making your good stuffed pasta shells I so dearly loved lol and I made you that poke cake lol for you you enjoyed it then your bday dinner you was looking so beautiful you took my breath away seeing us grow from being 19 to 23 and in love was amazing and a blessing then for our anniversary I wanted to do something special and different like make a reservation at a restaurant lol we showed up like 20 mins late and waited like 30 mins lol it was worth the wait you where happy and so was I smh I only still was thinking about you being with me forever then we had a slight disagreement on and we we broke up a day before valentines I was sad once again then we talked like a few days later and I knew I wanted you back but it started off kind of distance we went to see fifty shades darker it was a good movie then you finally started back opening up then that Monday Idk what I was thinking saying I wasn't ready when I knew I was ready just scared I don't kno why so I stopped being stubborn cause I knew I didn't wanna lose my queen we did start acting kinda of different like we really wasn't never thinking of us as a couple just the stuff we wanted to accomplish in life and then like march it hurt me saying that you felt unappreciated kinda of and I didn't understand how and we didn't really hardly talk any so we tried fixing the problem talking about it we April was getting good I expressed like wanting to actually getting a placed together and stuff and how you make me feel I really wanted that but we had a disagreement and that changed my vision but not the way I love you and I idolized you for everything you have done for me I was just to ignorant to fix one thing and knowing I should have never did it my first bday spent with you was a blast we party Friday and Saturday seeing you happy was a great bday at that even though the surprise bday didn't happen I still was with my queen two weeks went by less then 72 hrs ago we was happy may 20th, 2017 will never leave my mind or heart we where enjoying each other and was planning what we was going to do on Sunday after we finished next thing it went from a smile to anger cause of me and knowing I messed up a beautiful queen my Rare jewel you where furious with me and hit me pushed me because you where heart broken cause I broke a promise on something I vowed to never do again and I broke that but I am sorry and some ways it felt like the words you said to me made me realize that I am not the person for you my queen I am sorry but you deserve better and I know nothing for me will ever be the same and I am sorry if I could go back 5 years ago to start over I would actually do that because you where the best thing that ever happened to me then beside being born on this god green earth but I hope you can find that person who actually appreciate you and do better then even though it hurts me to say this my Rare jewel you made an imprint and my heart no one will never be able to do ever again in my life

#rareJewel sorry sorry

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