#//they're kinda aware that you can't really do them damage so they don't give a fuck

[amuhav]

1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 10, 17, 20 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), 23, 25 for T A Y U I N.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

All of his time back in Abor'sai? lmao. I mean, sadly he's already forgotten anything good about his childhood, so he's left with mostly just the negative experiences that came after. Though, maybe surprisingly, I would say any of the more positive experiences with his father would be top of the list, because they're one of the few things that make him regret leaving without a word. And makes it harder for him to just put the whole place and everyone behind him.

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

How damaged he is under the layers of self-preservation. And how desperate he is to be understood and accepted, despite his pathological self-sabotaging to stop that from happening.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Lack of faith in other people, and by extension never letting himself have any peace or happiness, too willing to believe it will only lead to more harm. By never trusting anyone or sabotaging anything good that happens to him, it becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy that feeds further into his worldview that everything will hurt him if given the chance. I think he's become more aware of that, but until recently, no, he didn't see it as a flaw of his. He just saw it as protecting himself from the inevitable.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

Pretty far. Tay tends to put his survival and his immediate wants and needs ahead of anything else. He doesn't usually hurt people just for the sake of it, only if he thinks he'll gain something or he considers them to have wronged him, believes they eventually will, or if he sees them as a threat in any way. But he's generally the type to do so in indirect ways; manipulation, lying, maybe a lil theft etc. I guess I'm not saying he wouldn't take a life, if he really felt he had to, but what I am saying is he certainly would try not to. Physical harm or confrontation is certainly not a go-to unless he hasn't much choice.

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Uhhhhhh. His moral compass is kinda skewed towards Chaotic Neutral anyway lol. I don't think you'd easily convince him to do anything truly heinous if he had no reason to. On the other side of the spectrum, you'd probably also struggle to convince him to do anything too good that didn't also benefit him in some way, not unless he truly felt some obligation to do so, or ultimately agreed with the premise under all that outward bluster. In which case, you'd still have to be pretty convincing to overcome that self-preservation instinct of his, especially if whatever it was would make him vulnerable. For example, a lot of the time he'll be more likely to double down rather than take ownership of a mistake, because that would be a sign of weakness oh shit I'm realising he inherited this particular trait from his mother ignore me goodbye.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Uh, once I actually had a grasp of his characterisation? Honestly, not much at all lol. I meeeean, there are definitely some points in CotS where I wouldn't have necessarily gone where the ~votes~ did, yet I still think the ways they played out, and all his actions within CotS have remained in character (which is honestly impressive when you think about it like that LMAO). But overall he's one of those characters as a writer you just... kinda instantly know them? Like, you connect with them in a way where you just know how they think and feel in almost any given situation without even ever having to give it much thought. Which I feel is pretty rare for me at least lmao.

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

not to sound basic bitch, but I guess Modern Day? I can't really see him in any other genre than that or the Fantasy one he's already in. But maybe... if we're talking more parallel universe AU rather than full genre/setting swap AU... one where he never left home? Because while I will always believe leaving was the best option for him, I don't know if things would have necessarily gone as badly as he thought they were heading...

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

everything um. leading on from the last question I guess ahaha... The bit that hasn't happened yet in the story. And again, not the leaving itself. I think leaving is the best thing he ever did for himself. But I feel ~a little guilty~ for the misunderstandings that lead up to it at least the way I have it planned because I haven't finished writing it yet so that might change I guess lolololol. That, or having him forget just why Ailos seems to hate him so much. Because it informs so much, not just of their relationship but so much of who they both are and how each of their lives came to be the way they are, but to Tay it all just seems so entirely without rhyme or reason. It's like an elephant in the room between them, but one Tay can't overcome because he doesn't even know it's there, and Ailos can't see past it nor work around it, and Tay not even knowing it exists only makes him all the more bitter. (which, like, not to excuse anything lmao, just. ya know. something something hurt people hurt people something something.)

Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

lmaoooooooo. Tay? noooooo. never. jealousy? what's that, even? asdfghklkshhhh. I don't know if he necessarily ever recognises feelings of jealousy for what they are, at least not immediately without time to actually think about it, but yeeeeeah. It is definitely not an unusual response lmao. Jealous lil bean lashes out, usually at whatever he most considers to be the root cause of his pain (I'm so sorry Eve I woulda dragged my boi to apologise right away I stg 😭) And speaking of, manifesting as a rather strong sense of possessiveness lmao.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Happiness. He doesn't trust it. Like, real happiness, not just momentary glee at getting whatever he wants/needs in a particular moment or a plan working out for him, but true, actual-to-goodness happiness and feelings of contentment. It feels like a trap waiting to spring. So he fights it.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

Despite all his flaws, his ability to overcome. He's so broken, and he deals with a lot of things so poorly, but he's still trying. Still surviving, still trying to find a place in the world when I think so many would have just given up and accepted defeat. And that deep down, even if he doesn't indulge in it or trust it, he still has a heart, and hasn't lost all his humanity (or the fae equivalent? lmao) along the way.

[scripted-downfall]

One of the things that pisses me off most about Sam freaking Winchester is his tendency to claim the title of "the emotionally aware one" or "the empathetic one", ostensibly "try" to help someone only when it's convenient for him, and then turn around and revoke or rescind that help the second it's not.

This happens a number of times, but some examples include:

s02e09 Croatoan: "No, no, no, no, Dean. You're my brother, all right? So whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little bit." followed by Dean telling him about John's last order (complete with Dean actually begging him to lie low for a bit) and Sam directly contravening that by leaving in the middle of the night (when he knew it'd hurt Dean to not know where his brother was, thus making the weight he was carrying worse) in s02e10 "Hunted"

The aftermath of Hell??? Like sir, wtf??? s04e08 "Wishful Thinking" has "Dean, look, you can't just shoulder this thing alone. You got to let me help." and then, when he finally tells Sam about Hell in s04e10 "Heaven and Hell", "Dean… Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have." And then there's Sam in s04e14 "Sex and Violence" going: "You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in hell. Boo hoo." (Yes, I know that the second quote was under the influence of the siren's drug, but the whole point is that it was exposing inner thoughts, so. Still counts.)

Every episode touching on the Gadreel business. Going from s08e14 "Trial and Error" ("I want to slam hell shut, too, okay? But I want to survive it. I want to live, and so should you. You have friends up here, family. I mean, hell, you even got your own room now. You were right, okay? I see light at the end of this tunnel. And I'm sorry you don't – I am. But it's there. And if you come with me, I can take you to it.") to s09e13 "The Purge" ("I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you… You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone.")

This is kinda a part of the last bullet point, but there's a backwards example in Dean's subsequent death... Sam pulls out the s09e13 "The Purge" "No, Dean. I wouldn't. Same circumstances…I wouldn't." line because he wants to hurt his brother, and yet, the second things go wrong, he wants to take it back: "What happened with you being okay with this?" "I lied. (s09e23 "Do You Believe in Miracles?")

And there are more, but these are just the prominent examples that spring to mind now. I might add more if I come up with them, though.

And, to me, this is really bad. Because Sam knows that he's inflicting serious damage, and seems to actively want to do so. (All of the above were examples chosen precisely because they're examples of Sam consciously having "made an effort" to help Dean with a certain issue/fear/concern, and then throwing that very thing back in his face to win a battle.)

And, like... it's great that he's willing to try and help when the situation is rosy. But it really doesn't help that he sets it up as something that can be taken away at a moment's notice. Especially given that this is precisely what their father did: give positive reinforcement only when something was going his way, and pull it away again or use it as a weapon whenever his will is challenged.

And the amount of damage that's bound to do to Dean... I mean, he already spent his whole childhood and adolescence being told that he only mattered in relation to his usefulness, his ability to follow listen to orders, his willingness to accept other peoples' ways of running things without complaint, etc. His feelings? His emotions? His hopes for the future? Oh, those don't matter. And then here's Sam. And Sam... Sam acts like John was wrong. Sam says that a lot. And Sam's the smart one. So Dean maybe (maybe) lets himself believe that. It's hard, and he doesn't always buy it, but he gets a little bit better at it. But the second he pisses off Sam? All those statements about him deserving better --- about how Dean (how everyone) had an innate right to be treated in certain ways, judgements of worth aside --- fly out the window. Then, the fact that he dared to actually presume that he deserved something more is all the more ludicrous because even the person who's been helping him sees how damn worthless he is. And the whole cycle repeats over and over again through the series, until it's this jagged zig-zag that is likely hell on his mental state.

(See below the cut for a personal anecdote that I feel is relevant to this/gives insight to it. It's very me-oriented, though, and I feel kinda selfish for including it, so I'm leaving it as optional. Don't click if you don't wanna see it. No trigger warnings to my knowledge or anything; it's just not solely fandom.)

I always knew I hated Sam for this, but I'd never actually put it into words. And then, recently, something similar happened in the middle of a conflict with a friend. My head often isn't friendly, and I had a friend who helped with that. He was one of a small subset of people I could rely on to help me with certain issues. He was one of my closest friends at the time, and he knew a lot that I've only told about one or two other people. And then we get into a fight and I receive a full two paragraph rant about how horrible I am, tearing into exactly the stuff I've told him I'm concerned about, everything that he'd at least tried to help me with, etc. And I feel worse than I ever did before because even he had given up on me.

And this wasn't my brother. This was someone I trusted, yes, but we'd still not known each other for anywhere near as long as Dean's known Sam. I've not sacrificed nearly as much for him as Dean has for Sam. I've certainly not built my whole life around his esteem the way Dean has for Sam. So if this is how I feel... what does that say about Dean?

[thepapergirlandthespiegelman]

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who still remembers and loves CDs. Vinyl records have made a comeback and are now considered cool among certain varieties of hipster and audiophile, but CDs haven't had the same treatment.

And like, to some extent, I kinda understand that. CDs aren't cool. Records are cool. They're big and textured and elegant and they're objectively old enough to feel vintage rather than dated. They're not exactly durable but they make up for their fragility with their other positive qualities, and you could certainly argue that warping and scratches add exactly the kind of character to a record that we've lost with digital music and therefore crave from physical media. A slightly damaged CD pretty much always just becomes totally unplayable.

So I get it. And I'll readily admit that the biggest reason why I like CDs is simply that I grew up with them and have fond memories of them. But I do also think it's objectively true that there are certain positive features unique to CDs. I will never tire of the experience of giving and receiving mix CDs. You can't do that with a record. (I mean, I don't think you can? Not easily, at any rate.) And it's not the same as a playlist! It's not the same. When you make a mix CD, you not only curate the music for the recipient, you burn the disc, you decorate it, you make the sleeve or pick the jewel case and make the paper insert for it, figure out how to wrap/package it. I mean, obviously you don't have to do all of these things, but the opportunity is there for a lot of creativity and love. And in the end the person gets both the physical object as well as being able to make digital copies of the songs on their computer (which also allows them to use those songs in their future mix CDs, continuing the cycle!).

The mix CD is just so unpretentious, wholesome, and kind. It gave the average person unprecedented power over how music was curated and shared. (I mean, of course mix tapes did something similar, and maybe they deserve more credit than I give them, simply because they're from before my time; but I kind of have to assume that CD mixing is a much simpler and more efficient process.) The mix CD creates a loving context for experiencing music. Here, I made this! Special from me, for you! I think context is one of the things which we most desperately miss in this modern age, where we're fed our newest songs by the goddamn algorithm (whether that's Spotify, TikTok, YouTube, or whatever). The mix CD is personal, human, earnest and sweet.

(And yes, to some extent, playlists do this as well, and they have their own advantages. But I think the shareability of playlists, while making it possible for many more people to experience your creation, has ended up discouraging the intimate act of making something just for one other person and instead promotes the idea that what is most desirable is to have your work seen by the greatest possible number of people.)

I started thinking about this because I saw another post talking about the removal of CD/DVD drives from computers and it really does make me sad thinking that this may be the final nail in the coffin of the mix CD. I've had to depend on external disc drives to make my mixes, and I'm sure that for most people, CDs have passed totally out of their awareness.

I'm not saying the mix CD is the end all be all of sharing music. There are already lots of other ways to share music and I would quite like to think that we will continue to invent new ways. But I do find it very sad that the art of the mix CD is dying, and while the mix CD itself may be doomed, I really hope that we don't forget its virtues, and find a way to keep the spirit of the thing alive. Physical object as well as digital copies that can be shared with others, permanent ownership of the music (rather than just streaming/renting), the burning and reading of this object being cheap and accessible, personal touch/high customizability (not being limited simply to song order, a single cover image, and a short description), intimacy. These are what I don't want to lose.

[monty-glasses-roxy]

💜

Monty and Chica

💜 (Purple heart) for a dealers choice!

Ooooo now there's loads of possibilities for these two. Chaotic siblings is a really fun one but they could also be those two friends that great each other like "GUUUURRRLLL HOW YOU DOOIN???" And romantically? Very cute! And if they hate each other? Pfft lmao Chica would kick his ass sorry Monty lovers but you don't fucking mess with an angry chicken and he's a softy anyway. I'll do a bit of all of them for fun.

First? Friends! These two are such goofballs I swear. They hang out in the water at Gator Golf a lot and are constantly getting knocked off high places with brooms by the staff. One of them shows up with a tub of glitter and now they're trying to cover the walls in it to make them shine. They're A class mess makers but with all their experience having to clean up said messes, that also makes them the best cleaners out of the Glamrocks. Monty is Chica's favourite cooking companion and they've had many a competition on who can bake the best cake. They probably have an insane amount of injokes and I can see the pair of them liking to people watch and then talk about the different people they've seen later on while they're chillin' in the water.

For their sibling dynamic? It's very much the same except you now have the pair of them rattling off dinosaur facts every two seconds. Did you know chickens are closely related to dinosaurs too? Now you do! These two are experts on the subject! As both siblings, friends or romantic partners, Chica would kill for him though. She's just the kind of person to commit atrocities for people she cares about and Monty... isn't exactly aware but he will gladly joke about it with her. He'll threaten the shit out of anyone she partners up with too, they're both generally just really cool. Besties till the end!

As romantic partners the dynamic doesn't change that much. You just have more variation in the physical affection they give each other. If these two are a thing they're the most lovestruck fools you've ever seen in your life. They'll be sat there, with their friends, zoning out, staring into space thinking about them all the damn time. I'm talking heart shaped eyes levels of affection. How would they get together? Chica would be making the first move because Monty would be so damn shy about it. It would also be pretty funny if Roxy was getting Monty gushing about Chica every time they hang out together and then Chica gushing about Monty every time they hang out and she's just sat in the middle expected to be both of their wingman's at the same time. Actually you know what? Everyone is their fucking wingmen. They have an army of wingmen. But the wingmen aren't aware of their fellow wingmen so they keep trying to set them up on their own and they keep messing each other up until they figure it out and plan one big thing to get them together. Chica still the first to say anything though. She's very much a 'do or die' kinda gal and he's very much too nervous about rejection for this. They get together and there is a Plex wide party with a banner that reads "FUCKING FINALLY" and they think it's hilarious.

Now, to go in the complete opposite direction... what if they fucking hate each other? Well that's a pain for everyone else because neither of them will ever let up on the passive aggressive comments. Not for one single moment. However, if they call a truce for even one hour, it's going to be for someone else's benefit. Roxy in tears and they're the only ones around? Call a truce. Bonnie is broken down and they need to act fast to make sure he's not too damaged for repairs? Call a truce. Missing child or a suspected kidnapper in the Plex? Call a truce. The thing is though, they both have similar senses of humour so sometimes one will do something stupid or silly and the other one will get really mad about because now they can't do it. Oh lord the competition between them would be insane. I don't think they'd ever come to blows or anything, but if they did it would uh... probably start really scary and dangerous and devolve into pathetic slap fighting.

No matter what, they could both have a really fun dynamic! I can see them both just wandering into each other's rooms unannounced and dramatically flopping on top of the other one to talk about their day and to gossip the night away. I can also see them taking their aggression out on each other in Fazerblast and this either making them both the worst players in existence or the best players ever. They're a really cool pair!

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 3)

fic link written by @tavtarnish. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up beeches (affectionately) or don't, I can't tell you what to do.

Ok I missed one (1) very important thing from last chapter. Ghost touching him/his hair

~ like COME ON, soap, my boy, suds, shampoo... you are so oblivious to ghost's pining. WHO else does that man touch?! Hmm? I'll wait... no I won't, because it's NOBODY! And here he is with his grubby (affectionate) little fingers in YOUR hair. And you're so BLIND to it. Like !!!!! Please !!!!

Anyway thank you for coming to my tedtalk. I'm so normal about them as you can see.. no I'm not. I'm so down bad for them being down bad for eachother. It's not even funny

chapter 2 chapter 3

"Soap never claimed he was a saint"

~ there's so much in the first paragraph but this stood out way too much for me to not mention it first. like of course he isn't a saint, nobody is... but the way it's said. it's a completely factual statement, nothing emotional about it. it's then followed by "nor did he pretend to be one." which is simply another factual statement. just words, but then again it's not exactly rare that facts can hurt more than some lies. /but/ on the flip side if you took those words and gave them to someone, "soap, you were never a saint." well those words are emotional. they're meant to hurt, meant to strike a nerve. and then you take that second half and make it a response, "and I never claimed to be one." then that turns into a deflection. like jerking your arm when you hit your funny-bone. a sort of desperate attempt to fix...something. maybe that's why it stands out to me. because it hurts but... i don't think he meant for it to hurt him. maybe it was just a fact but then the hurt kinda came as an afterthought like, 'oh that made me feel kind of not good slightly and idk why'

~ yes I'm giving this point two parts. because i have two thoughts on it that kind of connect but only vaugely. this is also the RSD, and again logically of course he isn't. I think it also does or could lead in 2 different directions. 1) of course he isn't, so why even try to be. right? or 2) well yeah maybe he isn't, but maybe he could have tried harder to be like one or a little less unsaintly. i need to emphasize that these two points can coexist at the same time (tbh im like 70% sure this would be a form of executive dysfunction. where you know that you can/should do something, but you can't make yourself) im also swinging back to those self-esteem issues, because those go hand in hand. like even just the comparison in it of itself. a saint, a holy figure, compared to a 'selfish' military man. there is no comparison if you are weighing guilt. it's a stone vs a feather, the feather is by nature lighter than the stone. and it'd take a lot more feathers to make one kg (I kinda wish america would just switch to metric) than it would stones. anyway im 100% sure I read too far into this

Soaps want (need) to be near ghost almost constantly

~ i honestly don't know why this happens but anytime I become really attached to someone I just want to touch them. not in a weird way, just gotta make that clear. but more like slinging an arm across their shoulders, or using them as a foot/head rest, or playing footsies. im very aware that this often can read as flirtations but thoes really aren't my intentions. I feel like this is the same way for soap. I know that their relationship is romantic but I feel like this definitely is not soap flirting or anthing like that. I think this is just soaps brain being like 'yes this is a good person, must touch, be close'.

soap's subsequent need to be far away from ghost right now

~ it's so damaging to himself that it reached through he screen and punched me in the face. placing price and/or gaz between him and ghost? ugh that hurts. and then on top of that he feels like it's selfish? like baby no. please be nice to yourself, ghost cares about you. he cares about /you/ not Sergent Mactavish.

him just wanting that feeling to stop

~ that tightness in his chest that he feels, almost like shame or disgust at himself. the way that it squeezes tighter whenever he sees ghost. and the way that he gaslights himself into thinking that pulling away will make that feeling go away, even tho he knows it won't.

~ adding this as a separate thing under the same point bc idk how to label it. metaphors and emotions don't mix with logic and physics. because they're not tangable. they're harder to grasp, harder to understand. they're slippery, and hard to explain. and somehow you just know that you can't fix them the same way you fix a broken vase. how usually the most logical way to fix and heal them is not glue, or gold, or tape, or anything else like that. you can't just stick them together and hope that it fixes itself. you can't even simply scrap them and get another. sometimes the best way to fix them is to not do anything at all. and sometimes it's to run away. and sometimes you can't fix them. and maybe this was poorly explained but the point is: logic and emotions are opposites, you cannot fix one the same way you do another. maybe that's why Soap is running away 'pulling the knot tighter' hoping that it'll unravel itself.

HE SAID IT!!!!! HE SAID THE THING!! HFJDHFJDKSJ

~ "god forbid he disappointed his superior" he said thought that. he's acknowledging the RSD without even realizing it. and he doen't even knwo why. he wonders what changed, where his opposition for authority went. where that idgaf attitude went. it didn't go anywhere. it's that this time it's Ghost. not any other lieutenant, it's /GHOST/. and it matters because ghost is important. ghost matters to him. he cares about ghost. about what ghost thinks.

can we just talk about this man punching an MP officer for a second?

~ like the SoapGhost shipper in me wants to think that it was because the officer was talking smack about Ghost (logically that I know that it isn't true in canon or this fic, but still, I can dream right?). a part of me thinks it'd be funny if the officer was insulting his (fabulous) hair, even though I don't really think it fits his character. a very hopeful part of my brain says he did it because the officer was saying something sexist or racist or homophobic or something of that nature. because I fully believe that he would have a reaction like that to that kind of situation.

~ also just casually locking said MP officer in his own car?? first of all, I guess what else would you do in that situation. second of all, i just know he had such an adrenaline rush from that, i'd pay to see a video of that. him maybe with a bunch of buddies, all running from the scene of the crime, the camera angle is shaky and bouncing up and down cus the camera-man/woman/person is running away too.

the way he's acutely aware of the fact that he's treating Ghost differently

~ back to the sads now. his relationship with ghost is unique to anything else he has with anyone else. he's so finely attuned to ghost himself, it's crazy, INSANE even. I just know that he /loves/ his dynamic with the man. and yet it makes it /that/ much harder for him to act 'normal' around him.

~ also the way he is vehemently denying his feelings for Ghost. and when i say denying I don't mean the kinda "no I'm not interested in my superior, bla bla bla". I mean the kind where he knows and accepts his feelings, but at the same time won't allow himself to feel those feelings.

soap doing the bare minimum of not overworking himself, and ghost watching him

~ that burning urge need to do something, anything that keeps his mind occupied. the way he has to find a proper balance between pushing himself, and not getting sat on his ass in medical. i can feel in my bones that he feels like what he is allowed to is not enough, that's why he goes back to that nervous tic of scratching at his fingers. you could argue he could do something like paperwork or whatever (what do military people do? idk) but it's just... different. it /has/ to be physical work.

~ the way ghost is so worried about him, is watching him. but the way it feels like he's being scrutinized. like he thinks ghost thinks he's incapable of his job. the way he just wants ghost to stop looking at him. the way it sparks an irrational rage in soap, even though he know he shouldn't have any reason for the irritation. (hint hint im like 99.9% sure that this means he's irritated with himself... if my own experiance is anything like this)

it was. it was at himself...

~ the feelings of inadequacy. that's all I have to say. and the anger at himself. all those things he did wrong...

the way he has to rationalize with himself

~ he definitely feels like a PoS. he is not, let's just make that clear (yes I refer to myself in the plural... im actually just several rats). logically he knows that he is a fantastic soldier, but everybody has those days where you just don't feel like it. where you have to force yourself out of that mentality with cold hard facts, to ease your mind.

AGAIN WITH THE REFUSAL TO BANTER

~ yes im making a big deal of this. because its basically the foundation of their relationship. so to see that not happening, is like watching the house from disney's encanto start to show cracks and not be fixed. JEBUS CRIMMNEY SHAMPOO!! YOUR BOYFEE IS NOT MAD AT YOU!!!

the way ghost interacts with soap, and also the hurt

~ the way ghost pulls his hands apart, to stop him from scratching his hands raw. the way he's so gentle with soap makes me just wanna gahjhafgrryhujnfhg. and the uncomfortable silence bc soap doesn't know how to act around ghost anymore. and then the way ghost checks up on him? because he cares about him. but- but- but the way soap hears ghost use his rank instead of his name. it's so normal and yet it still hurt for some reason. and i think it's because he was more or less prepared for himself to change or act different. but he wasn't prepared for ghost to change how he acts around soap (even though he wasn't /really/ acting differently, it just felt like it). and i think maybe soap wasn't fully prepared for the consequences of how changing himself would also make ghost react differently. idk if i worded that in a confusing way, but i don't know how else to say it.

~ the way he knows in a logical sense that ghost wasn't treating him any differently. he's able to push the hurt down, to compartmentalize it.

the way his responses are short and clipped

~ he's trying to get away from the conversation, away from ghost, as fast as he can. the way he clams up, giving only 1-2 word answers.

the way ghost makes an effort to keep conversation with him

~ soap obviously thrives on social interaction, especially with ghost. and now he's all of the sudden just refusing to speak to him? suspicious...

the way he also hates how ghost calls him johnny

~ like he can't decide weather he wants ghost to treat him the same or not. because it just makes it so much harder for him to control himself. because now ghost obviously isn't mad at him, and that makes it /so/ hard for him to be different. if ghost was mad at him, then that gives him a very obvious motivation to change.

using his injury as an excuse for acting different

~ he knows that they are both very aware of the fact that it was a shit excuse. he feels guilty lying to ghost and it just- ugh- gfujadhskuhagfh

the way he doesn't really remember what happened but ghost clearly does

~ ghost was/is so worried about him. but because he's so emotionally repressed (relatable) it comes off as anger or some other negative emotion (attitude?). it especially does with soap's current mindset, which only makes it worse.

soap getting lost in ghost's eyes

~ because even if he's supposed to be sergent mactavish, that doesn't mean he isn't still johnny or john 'soap' mactavish. which means he's still got thoes feelings for ghost, and he can indulge himself for a moment.

the last paragraph (idk how to describe it accurately)

~ the way the entire situation has him confused, at ghost's actions towards him, how he's supposed to be around price and gaz vs ghost. and the frustration at himself to just act how he wants to, and to feel how he's supposed to. and ghost's refusal to tell him anything about what happened, and why ghost won't just act like a lieutenant towards him. and how he can't manage to act right no matter who he's with.

sorry if this last bit feels rushed, this has been sitting in my drafts unfinished for... *checks notes* THREE WEEKS?!? oops... well it's here now :]

[cloverandcrossbones]

Autober: Autism pride and awareness challenge

Day 1: Stimming

Idk if I've started allowing myself to stim more since discovering my autism or if I'm just identifying them specifically as "stims" now and not habits, personal quirks, or nervous ticks like I probably used to!

Some stims are happy stims where I'm just so full of glee I can't keep still! Others are self soothing stims that calm me down when I'm nervous or upset. And some are stress stims when I am so full of bad feelings that I just have to Get. It. All. Out.

My stims:

Rocking/swaying: I sway side to side when I'm happy or eating good food, I rock back and forth when I'm anxious or overwhelmed

Happy feet tapping: usually I just tap the front of my feet up and down but when I'm really pleased (and lying down) I rock one or both feet back and forth from the ankles like a metronome (or a dog wagging its tail) I also like rubbing my feet against fun textures like soft blankets, sheets, or rugs that I like the feel of.

Leg bouncing: a classic. Helps me focus, prevents my leg muscles from falling asleep and helps with nerves. Fairly acceptable since neurotypicals so it too, but that also means it's frowned upon since they see it as just a bad habit.

Rapidly opening and closing my hands: I often alternate between having my thumb inside or outside of the fist each time. Kinda looks like I am making a poor attempt at sign language hand spelling...

Shake it off: letting my hands go limp at the wrists and then aggressively shaking them like when your hand gets sore from writing for a long time. Kind of like traditional flapping but side to side instead of up and down. I don't flap up and down as often.

Closing my fists and rotating them at the wrist: I've noticed a lot of neurotylical people do this one too when they're excited or looking at something cute! I think my threshold for excitement is lower for this stim than NT ppl though. I think this one is less noticeable than the shaking/flapping ones so I didn't register it as a stim at first.

Wiping hands/rubbing thumb across finger tips: kind of like when u get crumbs on ur fingers and are swiping them off. I do do this for crumbs but also after touching bad textures or trying to get a bad thought out of my head.

Thigh pushing: I do this when I'm very stressed, having or fighting off a meltdown or panic attack. I drive the heels of my palms into my thighs and pushing them along the length of my thighs (kind of like u might give a deep leg massage?). It provides good pressure for grounding myself and I can really dig my frustration into it without really hurting myself. It's better than digging my nails into my arms or pulling my hair like I used to do. This is usually paired with rocking back and forth.

Lip biting/chewing: trying to stop this one! It's bad for the obvious reasons that it's a damaging stim but also because I get cold sores so I have one spot on my lip that if I break it open it releases the virus cells and turns into a cold sore :( that sucks! If anyone has tips for avoiding this stim let me know!

Skin picking: like the lip biting I do this when I'm nervous or if there are textures on my skin bothering me. I've been wearing pimple patches over textured places so I can't feel them or pick at them.

Do you do any of these? Reblog with the stims we share (in post or tags) or make your own post to participate in Auctober!

[overwatchleaguesigns]

Alright, let's do this. Personal Overwatch 2 review, one week later:

Back in 2016, when OW did a last beta weekend where they sent a bunch of codes to people who signed up for them before release, I finally got to try it for the first time, and I remember playing and jumping around and thinking to myself "this is the most fun I've had with a videogame in my life."

This feeling gradually faded over time and I feel like this is a sentiment that applies to many others. Even before every piece of bullshit news people heard about Activision Blizzard and that tainting the game, people were already done and actively hateful of the game. The sense of wonder and discovery was lost. You become more and more aware of mistakes you and your teammates do. Lack of updates and incentives to play. Anything new that drops feels like it makes the game Less fun with more and more CC and barriers.

I was kinda done. I didn't hate the game like many others, but it wasn't fun, so I just kinda stopped playing.

OW2 does feel like they did everything possible to revert every fuckup that brought up this feeling in terms of gameplay. Remove CC. Remove barriers. Rework things to deal event more damage and do cool things. Remove a tank and a player, less room for error and less unfun mechanics to worry about. Now for the first time in years I feel like something similar to how it was in 2016, when I just get to have fun and do stuff instead of being denied from playing. I get to rush in and start knifing people with Junker Queen like a crazy person and it's fucking great. This is very good.

Everything I have to say about OW2 gameplay and its maps is generally positive. Push is weird and maybe they can find ways to tune it more (maybe spawns getting closer or something?) but I don't hate it. I miss 2CP maps but it's mostly just visually, so maybe they can get reworked into a viable gamemode later, but that's just my personal hope for the future.

All in all, it's fun.

Now off to the main issues.

I have so many concerns about its progression and monetization systems. To say they're not good would be an understatement. It's not just stupidly greedy, but also just stupid in general as there's no incentive to keep playing and that's the main issue here. I have zero interest in anything in the season pass with the exception of maybe the Genji Mythic skin, but even then I'm not a Genji player so whatever. Let's say I want to buy (yet another) Mercy skin, and I either have to bust out 20$ OR grind the game for like... 10 months? Assuming I get every weekly challenge, which I'm most likely not going to do as I am sitting on one uncompleted challenge on reset day, so yeah no. The problem here is that the solution of "well just buy it" doesn't work because people fundamentally can't buy everything. Like, people are broke. People gotta eat. Some players might be like 12 years old and they don't have money. I live in a country with 1º a broken economy and 2º a +75% international purchase tax. Like this level of greed doesn't work here because it's assuming everyone has the ability to buy things, when in reality this is very much not the case, and grinding for 10 months to get One skin is unrealistic because I'm just going to Stop playing your game that is giving me nothing rather than continue playing forever for one goddamn Mercy skin.

This is just badly designed and it's going to fail. No doubts here.

Is the idea for a season pass and a shop inherently bad? Not really, no. Most games offer you free money on the season pass path, meaning that you could theoretically pay 10$ and continue to make that money on each pass forever and get all rewards with just 10$ once. Other games do offer periodic challenges that will just give you free stuff as an incentive to come back and keep playing, and in this case, maybe get coins to buy a skin for your main instead of an arbitrary reward that means nothing to you.

And this takes me to the thing to watch out for and potential fixes: The Halloween event is coming soon in about two weeks, and that's the opportunity to show exactly what a special event will be like in OW2. Let's say that they give you a bunch of temporary challenges that give you coins and you can get up to like 1000 (being generous here) for just playing during this time. This guarantees you being hooked for a while, getting enough currency to get the season pass (which guarantees even further engagement if you do take it), or you can choose to get something for the specific character you like, which for me is another incentive to keep playing because now my character looks cool and pretty and fuck yes let's do this.

There's not even an argument of "well they want to take your money here so of course they do this" because THIS DOESN'T WORK LONG TERM. People are just going to LEAVE and you make NO MONEY if people DON'T PLAY YOUR GAME. And you can be cynical about it and say that this is planned and they'll make it good once they got that initial cash-in on release, and you might be right. But honestly I care about this game, like, Living. Because I was there for Heroes of the Storm, and I know exactly how Blizzard can just fucking give up on a game that they themselves ruined.

Things, as they are right now, are bad. And if they continue this way (which I'm honestly thinking THEY WON'T because it's such a badly designed system it's baffling) the game will just die.

This is a terrible first impression.

PvE

PvE was promised years ago to be the main focus of Overwatch 2. So, where did that go?

Honestly, following the OWL community like I have for years showed me that Overwatch has a weird divide in terms of how people enjoy this franchise. You can almost split fans into two groups; the people who are here for a really fun game, and the people who are here for the characters and the world. And there's no right or wrong way to enjoy the game either, whichever does it for you is completely valid.

The problem starts with OW1 here. It is a mainly PvP competitive game, with just a few PvE modes for fun during certain time windows. But because the way the game is shown and advertised, it makes sense that it would give people the promise of way more content regarding its world and characters than they're given. But this also means that if you do try to branch off into more worldbuilding you will take resources away from the PvP players' content. This is the problem the game immediately faced, where instead of committing to one thing, they tried to sort of do both, and failed at both. There wasn't enough content for either.

Also, OW1 wasn't planned to be maintained as a live-service game. This means that every update, character, map, and fun events we got were more of a bonus rather than planned content in order to keep the game alive. The dev team mainly approached OW1 as a "we're going to take 6 years to develop this banger of a game and then release it and be done with it" which means that there weren't many plans to keep it alive from the get-go. You already bought the game, now begone. This is why we really just got the same events every year with just a couple of fancy new skins and that's it.

OW2 is trying to change that. Going F2P is essentially a promise that they will maintain this game with new content, but now we have to see what that new content is and how fast it comes at us.

So back to the main question, where's the PvE? Okay, here's a better question for you. How do you think the already established PvP playerbase would feel if OW2 comes out and it's exactly the same EXCEPT that now you have co-op story modes and that's it? That would change nothing for them, and I'd say that they are the main audience that continues to play.

The priority here is to finally commit to get new content to keep the PvP players happy. And they know a lot of people care about the lore, but realistically focusing on that first probably wouldn't be the best idea. It makes complete sense that PvP reworks come in first, and I think they did a great job as I said earlier because the game now just feels so much more fun. But PvE is just going to be delayed until whenever they can finish it because PvP is a priority and that's just the reality here.

Also, the game is just not a complete product. There's not enough content to call it a complete product. You can argue so many things were better in OW1 and I would be inclined to agree. If you ask me, the only reason why "Overwatch 2" is a thing is because they needed to push out an announcement out the door to stop people from badmouthing Blizzard. And maybe the call to make OW2 was already made the moment OW1 came out and the big suits saw dollar signs everywhere given how well the game did initially, but I think announcing the game when they did only made things so much worse long-term, because now we're in a weird "Overwatch 1.5" state while they're advertising this as something completely new and different when it's not.

I will say finally giving the PvP players this giant overhaul to make the game much more enjoyable is definitely a good thing and you can even say this was done in good faith by the new team if the alternative was waiting in limbo for an extra year which sounds terrible, but I don't know if this was the right call from every other perspective.

Closing thoughts are, I'm having mixed feelings on the game. I like the game, I have fun with the game, I feel so conflicted regarding everything else besides gameplay, and I'm facepalming at some of the decisions made here and I'm awaiting for them to realize how stupid they are and change them.

We'll see how this game develops. But as of now, I'm just going to play it, have some fun by myself or with a friend, and probably stop in like a week or two as I move onto something else as the game is not doing much to keep me in.

Please let me know how you feel about the game! I'd love to hear from other OW fans too.

Take care, and have fun y'all.

[omentranslates]

Owari no Seraph chapter 122 full english fan translation

PLEASE BE AWARE OF SPOILERS, THE OFFICIAL ENGLISH WILL NOT RELEASE UNTIL THE 10TH!!!! I've gone through the chapter for anyone who would like to read it before then, thank you for reading!

Chapter 122: Calories Spent on the Journey

Mika: Alright then, I'm going in.

In a beat up shack within the sea of trees (Aokigahara)

Mika: We're gonna go take a look at the past.

Yuu: Yup.

Mika: I'm going then.

Yuu: Oh, he vanished. Guess I should get going too then.

Mika: ….what time period is this??

-

Ancient Greece

-

Mika: Oh, Yuuchan

Yuu: Hey, Mika

Mika: Why did you turn into a kid?

Yuu: Could ask you the same.

Mika: Oh, I guess it's more energy efficient this way, being small like this. It's almost like you have the desire somewhere to go back to when you were this small.

Yuu: Ah, well yeah. Since everyone was alive then. So, where are we? It looks like we've gone back SUPER far. I sure have lived a long life.

Mika: It's like it belongs to someone else entirely. These are all more or less your own memories, nothing looks familiar at all?

Yuu: Maybe I went senile from living so long.

Mika: Oh true, you do always kinda look like your head's empty.

Yuu: HEY.

Mika: AH, AH WAIT YUUCHAN. HIDE!

Yuu: What

Yuu: What's wrong-?

Mika: SHH!! The first is here!

Yuu: Huh? Oh, for real.

Mika: I wonder if they'll notice us here…

Yuu: How is he here? Aren't these OUR memories?

Mika: Well, yours.

Yuu: Feels like your memories as a demon are mixed in here too though, to me anyway.

Mika: Oh….well….

Yuu: Here they come.

Mika: Shut up!

Mika: Yeah….I guess it's ok to come out now?

Mika: Hmmmm….still scary. Didn't he find us the last time we were looking in the past like this?

Yuu: Well he was really close already that time, wasn't he? Do you feel it now, do you feel him?

Mika: Just a little. It's super far away though, like he's become incredibly weak. I wonder why?

Yuu: I wonder…

Vampire Scientist: KEEP UP THE RESISTANCE, DON'T GIVE HIM AN INCH!! MORE MEDICINE, HURRY UP, DO IT NOW!! ONE MISTAKE AND LORD RIGR IS DEAD.

Rigr: Now then, First. I'll be looking inside you.

Yuu: HEY, OLD GUY. CAN YOU SEE ME? He can't, right?

Mika: So then, he can't bump into us or anything either?

Mika: OOF

Mika: NOPE, WE CAN STILL GET KNOCKED AROUND.

Yuu: They can't see us though, what's with that?

Mika: The things in our memories can't see us because they're just memories. But we can still touch them, they're the same as the ground we're standing on I guess?

Yuu: So the First and them can't see us either then? Since that's the First from the past?

Mika: I think so. But….

Mika: If we can be touched, we can take damage in an attack. So I still think we'd better not get too close.

Yuu: Yeah? Alright, well if he finds us out we'll just run anyways then.

Mika: Right, let's do that.

Yuu: And while we're running we can get a feel for this memory of the past. So where to next?

Mika: Shouldn't we see where the First's group was coming from? In the memory we just saw there was that giant mansion over there.

Yuu: Oh, true, there's that.

-

The Court of the First

A massive space in the ground underneath it, containing a single coffin.

-

Mika: Oh, this place! We've seen this before!!

Yuu: Oh, yeah, where your super beautiful doppelganger is! In that box, right?

Yuu: Look he's here, Mika: beautiful edition!

Mika: Is that really me?

Yuu: Doesn't it look just like you?

Mika: Well-

Yuu: And he has wings. He's an angel.

Mika: This is the First's child, right? That's what he said?

Mika: ….hey, what's wrong Yuuchan?

Yuu: Oh…I just remember this somehow. I used to be stuck to this glass like glue.

Mika: Really? Can you remember any more than that?

Yuu: ….no dice. I can't remember. I know it, though. I was always pressed up against it talking.

Mika: Talking to who?

Yuu: To him.*

Mika: He can talk? I thought the First said he was dead.

Mika: Hey, Mr. Looks Like Me, can you please say something??

Mika: What kind of stuff did you talk about?

Yuu: Hmmm….I can't remember. This is kinda painful, I remember it like up to my throat, but it won't reach my brain.

Mika: I'm pretty sure your throat isn't where you remember things but

Yuu: Come on, what did I say??? It's….it's….no good. I'm not getting it.

Mika: But you were talking? To the corpse?

Yuu: Yeah. Don't you remember anything?

Mika: Huh?

Yuu: Well if this kid IS you, won't you have his memories?

Distant voice: Miiiiikaaaaaaa, Miiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaa

Mika: Maybe…..there might? Be something? Or not? Maybe some massive idiot who wouldn't shut up going "Mika Mika"

Yuu: hey isn't that me….?

Mika: Yeah well it could be a recent memory too. You do this a lot.

Yuu: I do not.

Mika: Sure man.

Yuu: Anyways, I think that's all we'll find out from staying here. Let's go further back.

Mika: Yeah. So how far back can this thing go, I wonder? Just how many years HAVE you been alive?

Yuu: Who knows?

Yuu: I wanna find out too, so let's get going. How do we go further back?

Mika: I let loose the power I get from your desires. And force us back.

Mika: …ah, Yuuchan you're running on empty.

Yuu: What, already? I was just doing nothing but eating, though.

Mika: I know, but go eat some more. I'll keep trying to go further into the past.

Yuu: Mmk, got it. See you then!

Mika: Laterrrr

Yuu: Aaaaaah, hell yeah! Going on adventures just the two of us is so fun!!!

stomach growling

Yuu: Oh damn, I was hungry. I'm gonna pass out.

Yuu: I'll have to eat a lot so we can go SO far back.

Mika: Yuuchan, Yuuchan!

Yuu: Oho?

Mika: You've eaten enough, we're good now. The path to the past has opened up, it goes SO far back.

Yuu: Ohoho?

Mika: …I have no idea what you're saying. Just hurry and come back. This….this is so far into the past…it's scary.

Yuu: unintelligible food in mouth noise

Yuu: Ok.

Yuu: Wow, you've sure been working hard, huh?

Mika: Because that door to the past wouldn't budge for anything.

Yuu: Door?

Yuu: Oh, that. So that's connected to the memories deepest in the past?

Mika: Yeah.

Yuu: You sneak a peek?

Mika: Only a little.

Yuu: What was it like?

Mika: You should see for yourself, it's totally fucked in there. If these are your memories, I have no clue what you are.

Yuu: I'll take a look then.

Yuu: Open up, past of mine. Let's see what the hell you are.

The past even further back than Ancient Greece, what's inside it is….!?

To Be Continued

*T/N: Yuu uses an affectionate term to describe the angel Mikaela, （子）. It means child or sometimes girl, but can be used generally for anything you're fond of and is notably distinct from everyone else using the more general term for a child when talking abt the corpse.

[masquerain-with-a-mask]

Yo, can you share about what this Murphy's Law AU is? What's up with these turtles??

THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

So, i'm gonna try to not make this too rambly but no promises considering it's still in the early planning stages (some stuff is gonna be kinda vague too because of that and also to not reveal too much cause i am planning on writing a fic about this au)

It shouldn't be too long of a post but i'm still putting a cut in case

To give you the basic idea, the murphy's law au is a foot donnie au

It takes place somewhere during season 1, basically the turtles are just minding their own business and while doing so donnie separates from the group to go do his own thing and ends up being kidnapped by the foot (i know it sounds like i don't have any idea of how that happens but i do)

They take his stuff away because they'll be damned if they let him keep anything remotely useful and lock him up, keeping him captive

They don't really have a use for him at the beginning tbh, they just took him and locked him up to try and weaken the turtles by taking away one of their members so they wouldn't get in their way as much, but as time passes by, they realize that they could actually find a way to make him useful for the clan and not just a liability by making him a soldier, but that's gonna take a while and they're aware of that, so they start working on him, with blackmail as well as other things (such as an explosive collar that they tell him will explode at the slightest of damage and/or sign of disobedience)

Meanwhile, everyone noticed that donnie disappeared and they're looking all over the city to try and find him, to no avail, this goes on for a little over a month with lots of arguments in between, until a huge argument between raph and leo ends up blowing up, mikey tries to calm the both of them down, leo ends up pushing him to the ground when he tries to get him to back off and that leads to mikey leaving the lair to cool off, which is enough to almost immediately stop the argument the brothers, however when leo tries to follow mikey to apologize, he basically tells him to go fuck himself and leave him alone, which he does, even if he's not exactly thrilled by the idea

Mikey goes to the surface to cool off (and by that i mean having a mental breakdown) and while walking around he stumbles upon donnie, whom he pretty much thought was dead

And if you wonder what donnie is doing up there, well it turns out that he finally ended up giving in and he's currently out on a scouting mission just to see if they can trust him to go outside (so no, he's not alone)

However, mikey does not know that and rushes to his brother, and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, even tho that wasn't technically what was planned for tonight's mission, one of the turtles showing up disarmed and vulnerable doesn't happen everyday so the foot kidnaps mikey and donnie can't do anything about it (explosives and blackmail, remember?) even tho mikey begs him for help

Stuff gets a bit less clear once we get here but i still have some stuff so let us continue

Once thrown into his prison, mikey once again tries to talk to donnie, but he might as well talk to a wall (also donnie took his bandana and wears it around his wrist)

Mikey's disappearance is of course quickly noticed by everyone in the family and leo, having approximately one functional braincell at this point (because being angry does that to you), decides to head out on his own the second he realizes mikey isn't going back despite raph and splinter trying to convince him that this is a terrible idea, but since leo refuses to listen, april follows to make sure that he doesn't get himself killed

They stay out most of the night without finding anything, april says they need to go back to the lair and leo refuses, saying that they need to get mikey, and april still doesn't want him to get himself killed

Turns out their (leo's) persistance does end up paying because they stumble upon the foot, and the foot, thinking that there's potential to have something fun (depending on your definition of fun) happening, call for "special" reinforcements

Just a few minutes later, donnie is here with some other foot, which is pretty fucking surprising to leo and april cause they haven't seen him in over a month, and even more so cause why tf is donnie working with the foot clan

They try to get him to talk to him because, hey, it wasn't the brother they were looking for, but they'll take it, same as when mikey tried talking to donnie, they might as well be talking to a wall because donnie just says that he can't and fights them

During the fight, the explosive collar ends up being broken, but when it doesn't explode, donnie understands two things : first of all, he was fooled ane feels like a complete moron, and second of all, even if he's technically free, he can't leave, because he doesn't think that his family will want him back after what he's done (self-gaslighting amirite)

This happening deconcentrate leo long enough for the foot to disarm him and take him away without april being able to stop it

Leo gets locked up and that's when he notices that mikey is here too, that pisses him off (donnie also took leo's bandana and wears it around his wrist too)

Afterwards (not sure how much time) leo and donnie have an argument, which is more or less a dialogue of the deaf since neither of them listens to them

And that's about as far as my best friend and i have reached currently, raph does end up getting mixed up in all this but it really isn't detailed enough for me to say it here

Something that is also not developed enough for me to really tell anything about it but is still worth mentioning is that cassandra and donnie do interact and that their relationship is pretty neat according to me

One last thing, donnie also wears his original bandana around his wrist, much like he wears his brother's

Pretty sure I'm done here (and it did end up getting kinda long but ¯\_( ツ)_/¯)

[rapifessor]

Pokéchronology, Volume I: Yellow

Day 9

Unfortunately, this was another one of those days where I planned to play more, but didn't get around to it because my brain had other plans. I also had a lot of homework to do.

Getting to the end of the day I've decided to call off any additional playtime. I'll have to continue a couple days from now, unless I manage to get some time in at work tomorrow. Sorry to say, I don't have much to write about for this post.

Does anyone even care about Pokémon Yellow spoilers? Ah, whatever. It's easier to just keep up the habit.

Route 15

So this day was all about implementing new training strategies that I've been thinking about, and I was able to do some of that on Route 15. Before that though, I go to the upper floor of the building separating the route from Fuchsia City (I'm sure there's a name for it but it escapes me at the moment) where I encounter that mystery man Professor Oak's Aide. He says he'll give me the EXP. All, better known as the EXP Share in later games, if I've caught 50 Pokémon. Naturally... I'm one Pokémon short.

Guess I'll pop into Route 15 and try to catch something new then. I've seen all the Pokémon here before, but I hadn't caught Bellsprout or Weepinbell yet. I managed to catch the latter after Mycoboss accidentally OHK'd a Bellsprout beforehand (they've got a pretty beefy Attack stat, so even a weak move like Cut does hella damage), named them OOOOOH. Yeah, I really can't be bothered coming up with names anymore. That'll be fun as I move on to other Pokémon games. Later on I catch a Bellsprout that gets named AYOOOOO.

I get the EXP Share, but I decide I don't want to use it. For one, every time you KO a Pokémon you have to mash through a ton of text just because every single member of your team gets EXP when you do, which is SUPER annoying, and for another it actually makes it more difficult to train specific Pokémon on your team. So into the PC it goes. But this is where I ran into another problem.

Turns out it's not just your inventory space that's limited, but even your storage in Generation I. It maxes out at 50 item slots. Since this was going to continue being a problem if I didn't address it right away, I sold a whole bunch of TMs that I didn't plan on using and a few junk items to free up space.

I must say, I'm a little torn about how Generation I games handle items, and thinking about them in comparison to what I know the modern games are like really makes you aware of how these things were a product of their time. Item storage being limited is to be expected to some extent, as the Gameboy is a very simple console with limited capabilities compared to our modern standards. But I didn't expect it to be quite as limiting as it is.

The inability to acquire certain items multiple times is also an issue. Most TMs aren't sold in the Celadon Department Store, which means you get one shot at using them, after which they're gone forever. Even goner foreverer if you later choose to overwrite the move. While on some level I do like the idea that items are limited and you have to use them wisely, and the game does a good job of discouraging you from being a hoarder, it kinda sucks when you're on a blind playthrough and you realize you've locked yourself out of an option because you didn't know what you were doing.

But this is understandable, isn't it? Pokémon Yellow was released during a time when video games weren't yet designed for mass appeal. Less thought was put into making the game accessible for players of all skill and knowledge levels, because it wasn't needed. Heck, if I didn't have any of the Pokémon resources that have been developed over the years, my experience with this game would likely have been very different.

I probably would have found the game frustrating, looking at it through the lens of a child playing it 20 years ago. As an adult with literally two decades of gaming experience under my belt I'm able to grasp mechanics and intricacies very quickly, and I think this means that I'm able to enjoy a game like Pokémon Yellow more now than I would have at the time it was released.

This is all to say that, despite the numerous and noticeable flaws and limitations, Generation I Pokémon is worth experiencing. In my opinion, at least. Maybe if I had come into the game after experiencing later entries in the series, with their added quality of life features and better balancing, I'd be less enthused. But I'd say my experience so far has been a good sign, as from what I've been told, things only get better from here.

Wow, that was one hell of a tangent, wasn't it? Sorry about that. To tell you the truth, there's really not much to cover as far as the rest of my play time goes today, so I padded the post by waxing lyrical about the Pokémon Yellow experience. I mostly just switched up how I fought enemy Pokémon, favoring Mycoboss for Grass/Poison types instead of Miles or Prinzessin. I brought in BIG RAT whenever I could as well, though those opportunities are few and far between and he is STILL getting destroyed by Fury Attacks that just can't help but crit for some reason. Fuckin' Dodrio, man.

[cinnamonest]

I got these and more asks regarding the post from last night so I wanted to elaborate and explain some things, and also make another point about the anniversary thing and clarify for anyone confused. After this I promise I'll shut up about this lol sorry

1) yeah please do NOT come after the VAs for any of this, not even the actual developer side either is at fault. This is largely an issue with the PR and marketing and higher up people. It's really awful that some people are harassing people who have no responsibility here. And thanks to the original asker's reply, I feel like I'm really bad at conveying my thoughts so I tend to overexplain lol, but thanks that means a lot.

2) I have seen people confused on this so if you didn't already, you should know that this isn't just about the anniversary so much as the anniversary was a final straw. While Honkai has similar rewards/exchange for irl money as genshin, mihoyo itself has some of the worst in comparison to other gachas from other developers. Games like Arknights, Granblue, Azur Lane, Dragalia Lost, hell even a cutesy casual gacha app like LoveNikki have much better real money to game currency ratios, huge anniversaries where they give out tons of free shit, and much more generous systems (such as Arknights giving free 10 pulls with a lot of events/new characters/etc). All despite being smaller, less profitable games. There's major glaring issues with the game that have gone unresolved for a long time despite people asking over and over to change it. It's a combination of the rewards, general stuff, and mihoyo's refusal to solve certain issues for a long time that has people upset.

In any industry, any company is going to be held to the standards set by the mainstream industry, which is what is happening here. It is natural to hold a company to it's competitors for comparison and expect them to match standards, especially when the company that is lacking is the richer one and could easily meet the standards if they were willing to.

This is especially true for people who put money into the game. Due to the nature of gachas/online games, companies that produce these games are usually very adamant on rewarding players because whales/P2Ws, people who buy welkin and similar stuff, etc keep the game alive. When they do not match the standard of the industry, those people will feel unappreciated and go elsewhere eventually, which means they will not be able to afford much progress, then even F2Ps won't have content, and the game will burn out.

3) I probably should have clarified this last post but, I know review-bombing does seem like a kinda shitty tactic at first and I get that, but the reason people are doing that now is because mihoyo has completely ignored people complaining for months normally, and even now has started to censor and ban people, deleted critical posts, etc. Basically it's clear that mihoyo will just ban and censor criticism until people do something that actually forces them to listen, hence review bombing. Banning/censoring criticism is a really, really bad move for any company, historically speaking, it's insulting to players who keep the company afloat and results in losses. The review bombing + a lot of people uninstalled the app apparently + people who usually pay refusing to do so anymore, all of that hits them to where they can't afford to ignore it when people do it en masse. Because it will cost them money/players.

What people are kinda really upset about, even more than rewards itself, is just the silence and censorship on their end, which is more frustrating than the lack of rewards itself. I did have some sympathy for them up until they started censoring and deleting criticism on their site. At that point they're doing this to themselves by doing that.

4) Also, notably, this has worked with plenty of other game devs. You may remember the disaster that was Fallout 76. Bethesda also responded poorly at first, but spamming bad reviews and horrible coverage for Fallout 76 got Bethesda's attention, and they went the whole nine yards formally acknowledging the complaints and more or less apologizing to the whole world of players at E3 and even gave refunds, which is a very surprisingly humble thing for a company of their level of fame to do. The situation calmed down because people felt listened to, and while Fallout 76 was kinda a lost cause and didn't get fixed, the idea is that the refunds/open and honest communication restored the consumer base's relationship to Bethesda. That was a big blow, but Bethesda was willing to take that hit to maintain the sense of communication and mutual respect/value between players and devs.

In contrast, with mihoyo, what most people have been trying to beg/bargain for for an anniversary rewards is a free permanent banner 5 star, which would cost mihoyo essentially literally nothing.

So far they have responded by banning people for literal years on hoyolab, deleting posts, banning people from various social platforms etc, for criticism. Even putting whether or not that's ok aside, it's very unusual and not how game companies usually handle these things, and can only end badly for them.

Also mihoyo has had time to fix this -- it's not like Fallout 76 where they released the game and then the backlash came very suddenly and they had to scramble to prepare a response/plan and needed time. People have been complaining about these rewards for well over a week, so they could have easily fixed it by now if they had any intention of listening to people's complaints, especially considering the proposed fix of a single free permanent 5 star would be very simple and quick to implement.

5) also? it's extra unfortunate and really a marketing team issue bc they could have *profited* from giving more, if they opened rewards to new players as most gachas do. Genshin is incredibly popular right now, to the extent that a lot of people in the gaming/weeb sphere who don't play it, but still know of it, and even know a bit about it.

If you were someone who had never played genshin but had been considering downloading it for a long time, but just kept putting it off or forgetting, and heard "hey join now and you get free Diluc/Keqing," that would have convinced a lot of people to go ahead and join, and they would inevitably get sucked into the game and bring mhy profit. So it's a little strange imo that they chose not to do that, it would have been beneficial to them.

6) also, be aware that the glider we're now getting was supposed to be paid originally. Releasing it free now is damage control. It's also, well, a glider. Again, while it is pretty, it's paltry in comparison to the industry norm and does not have much use to most people.

Finally, criticizing all of this/the game/mihoyo does not mean people hate the game. I do see some people lashing out in defense of mihoyo and I get that bc they produce something we all really like. I really really do not want to see genshin become "that one game that was super popular for a year or so and then died" -- that's why people want improvements, because if improvements aren't made, that's where it's headed. What people are asking for right now is stuff that is very easily in mihoyo's capability and would not cost them much of anything. It would be one thing to ask them for something that would cut their profits or take time to develop, but that's not what's happening. People are asking for very little in the scope of their capabilities/the norm.

[takebettercareofyourself-blog]

Continued from here @coldsnxp

While Mei-Ling liked the outdoors, some of the inhabitants of planet Earth still have her the heebeejeebees. Snakes were one of those animals.

“Uhh.. yeah Angela, he’s uh… he’s really cute.”

Angela chuckled as Hippocrates flicked his tonge at Mei from where he was settled on her shoulders.

“He’s harmless.” She assured Mei. “But if you’re really worried, I can put him back in his terranium?” Angela offered, sighing as she felt Hippocrates wrap his tail around her leg. “It may take a moment, but I’ll get him in there.

[cuddlecave]

is xiphoid

first: you *are* good

next: alright thingrey au

how bout an alternate 'the team finds out the shapeshifter is still alive, whoops!' but in an utterly disastrous way

it's been a while since antarctica! a long while, and gord and benr *meant* to tell the team about them ages ago, when benr became human shaped again, but there just never seemed to be a good time? and really, whats one more day, week, month...

anyway the team is utterly oblivious of benr, but being aware of gord, means that's they've noticed he's not been spending as much time with them! been spending, like, a lot of time at home, actually--or away from town. sometimes even avoiding them! they're worried, bc really, this is not the way to deal with trauma, gord! you don't pull away from your friends, you get help! just bc you can't see a therapist doesn't mean you shouldn't try to process it!

anyway, gords generally cagey about where he is, but on a rare team night where he had come to hang over...they very much on purpose get him drunk. now, drunk gord is still pretty fucking cagey (he loves his boyf and would never endanger him if possible), which is a shame, but tom is able to ask a question casually enough that gord doesn't think about it...and ends up telling them he goes out to the [insert desert area here] sometimes. when pressed on why he goes, he seems to realize he made a mistake, and bolts, cutting the night short.

now, credit to gord, him and benr don't go back to that particular desert area after that. but the team are damn smart, and figure that just bc he's not at that area anymore, doesn't mean he's not in *any* desert area anymore.

takes some trial and error--figuring out when gord seems to be out (he never answers his phone when he's out, his car is not at home), and then checking a desert area (didn't get anything but desert the first few times). but eventually...they find his car.

things paint...a worrying picture. there's camping/chilling gear in the car (chairs and a shitty tent, left from when gord tried camping several years ago and never bothered to remove from his car) but they're not set up and gords not there? the doors arent locked and the keys are in ignition? (gord doesn't want to drop his keys running from benr, he did that once and it sucked. also why he doesn't bring his phone! but he's out like 55 miles from the nearest town, who's gonna steal his car?) there's torn up foliage around, as if something big came through (benr may give gord a head start, but he still likes to be big enough to a) chase well, and b) nom gord after), and most worryingly--a set of human footprints in the sand, clearly running based on stride. and some strange larger footprint *next to them*.

their friend was ambushed by something big, and is going to get got. (this is not entirely untrue. not ambushed, but definitely going to get got, lol.) they set off quickly following the footprints.

meanwhile-gord and benr are having a *great* time! the exercise feels nice for both of them, it's a cloudy day so it's shady, they're gonna order pizza and play playstation after this--its gonna be a wonderful day. it already is!

gord, at this point, is beginning to tire out. benr is getting closer. he pushes himself a bit farther, to stretch out the chase just a touch longer, and makes a sharp turn around a rock formation, causing benr to briefly crash into it, giving him a few more steps. but he's tired, and well, benr has better stamina--and agility. benr bounds over the rock formation and uses it's height to gain just a bit of an extra boost, and tackle-hugs gord. they nearly crash into some sharp shrubs, but they're fine.

gord turns and looks up at benr and grins, and benr leans down to him, and gives him a long kiss. gord hums in contentment and relaxes. he's gonna get to doze, now, before driving. naptime, hell yeah.

benr picks him up to swallow him and he just remains basically limp, exhausted, letting benr manhandle him, gently maneuvering him into his jaws. he's swallowed with little fanfare, and happily settles in his tum, almost immediately starting to doze as benr starts to walk.

then he hears screaming, and benr sharply moves, and suddenly he's wide awake.

-

the team follow the tracks. it's a long walk, even moving at speed--gord must have really been booking it, which means hopefully he's still safe, got away some how. surely nothing would chase him for too long, when he was outrunning it this well. the trail goes on and on and on--its looking less like this thing gave up. and gords footsteps are shorter, he's not managing a hard run anymore. they're coming up on a rock formation--its still several hundred feet away. close enough to see a figure that can only be gord run from behind it, but far, far to far away to do anything about what happens next.

they see him turn sharply, and something big hits the rocks, clearly taken off guard. he makes it a few steps. and the team look on in absolute horror as what can only be the shapeshifter jumps off the top of the rocks, and tackles gord to the ground. they're partially obscured by the desert plants, but it's enough to see, even at this distance, the rippling body parts of the creature, pinning gord down.

the thing leans its head down toward gord, and they can't see what's happening with the plants and distance. and then.

it picks a completely unmoving gord up, and swallows him whole.

oh, god. it snapped his neck. it ate him. it's going to try to finish what it started in antarctica oh fuck does anyone have a flamethrower?!

a seeing it stand and start to leisurely walk in the direction they came from, they're finally broken from they're spell of silence and horror. somebody starts screaming angrily, and bubby has a lighter and big spray, making a makeshift flamethrower--and they run towards it in vengeance.

it notices them and sharply turns, booking it in the opposite direction.

(1/?)

continued under the read more!

(cont) oh fuck, thinks benr. this is not good. Not Good at all. gord frantically asks what's going on?! and goes cold when benr says 'ur friends saw us. and buby has fire.' the good thing is, benr is bigger and faster than humans. the bad thing is that he's been running all morning and now has over 200 pounds of boyf swaying in him, even if he's holding gord as tight as possible so he's not getting thrown everywhere. he's not gonna last long, and there's nowhere to hide. gord is furiously thinking. but he's also exhausted, and panicking. the thoughts in his brain are sticky like drying glue when he tries do something with them, and he can feel benr slowing. it's not by much, but his alien bf getting hurt *at all* is unacceptable, so. he decides to stop thinking and start doing. he tells benr to 'stop and let me out! as fast as you can!' and benr skids to a stop and turns half facing the approaching team, and splits his abdomen open and gord comes tumbling out into the light, getting immediately covered in dust and mud sticking to the saliva covering him. it's kinda gross, but at the moment it's not even registering, bc in those moments buby has nearly caught up. gord stands, pushes benr behind him, who let's himself be pushed purely out of surprise, and holds his hands out. 'its me! I'm fine it's ok it's me, please I can explain, just turn off the fire! it's ok!' but the thing is, as far as they're concerned...'you fucking imposter we saw gord die! get a better lie!' and buby is still running full tilt at them. gord has enough time to think, *aw fuck, this is gonna hurt*, before buby lights his makeshift flamethrower and gord is suddenly extremely hot, in pain, and knocked on his back. he can see the sky for a quick moment, before what can only be benr is standing over him, protecting him from further fire. a few limbs quickly use the dirt to put out the couple embers on his shirt (well, what's left of his shirt...) buby jerks back at the large being leaping in his direction, but it stops as it stands over the gord-imposter. which... is not moving. or writhing like the shapeshifter, or trying to split off from the damaged part. it's just...lying there. shallowly breathing as if in shock. buby gets a bit of a sinking feeling. - I got tired after writing this but basically benr tries to angle around enough to protect gord and also use teal green on him from another mouth. the team quickly figure out something is fucky, and that gord...might not be a Thing?? gord is in zero shape to have a real conversation--burns are serious business, and he basically passes out during teal-green. so why was the creature... protecting gord?? especially if it ate him?!?! there's an uneasy (extremely uneasy) truce, and benr carries gord back to the car, flamethrower pointed at them the whole way. they leave gords car and take them both back to toms place, in the car they drove in. it is supremely awkward. especially when gord wakes up for half a minute, kisses benr, and passes out again. not sure how it would go from there,, .... didn't mean to accidentally write a minific but here we are!! I really like the 'extreme misunderstanding vore' trope, lol.

ohhhh man this is like an angsty version of a regular not-a-game au idea i've thought up before o: thinking about what would happen next... the whole car ride home, benb was hitting gord with more healing (tho he gave the guys ample warning first about what he was doing so they wouldn't think he was attacking or something), and thanks to that, gord's burns are healed up to the point where he doesn't need hospitalization, just some burn cream and good rest to finish it off. (and a hair cut. benb is very sad that he couldn't repair gord's burned hair and beard. when gord's awake again he's just "Dude it'll grow back, don't worry." "i knooowwww but it still sucks. your hair was SO pretty. and you look like a sixteen-year-old without facial hair. kinda weird. babyfaceman." "WOW shut up."). when gord's awake and aware enough again, they all have a sit down and get an explanation from him and benb. benb goes on to basically give a summary of his whole backstory; explain what exactly he his and how he got to earth, and what he was trying to do both at the b'mesa base and that first norwegian base he first thawed out in. when he gets to the part about why he never wanted to hurt the sciteam, that does a pretty good job of warming them up to him. "the thing about that frzn guy is he was a total asshole. HUGE douche canoe. and i was like 'maaaan i don't wanna be this guy, he suuuuucks', but then i noticed that he'd hardly ever interacted with anybody else there. new guy on the base. nobody knew him, or knew what he was like. so i figured i could get away with acting like myself instead of him, and nobody would notice. i've never been able to just be me around other people, only when alone. i didn't really... know how it was gonna turn out. but you guys ended up liking me! you invited me to come hang out on breaks, and play video games, and watch movies, and talk about soda and photography and it was fun and nice and good! you were nice to my dog body, too. giving me a name and everything... you're all great cools. i got attached to you guys. like, super attached. didn't wanna hurt you, ever. 's the reason i never touched the sled dogs, too- i knew tommy would be sad if something happened to the dogs, and i didn't wanna make him sad." (bubs probably acts like he's not touched by that, but he is :B and also, like i've said in a post on my main, bubs feels some sympathy towards benb after hearing about his origins as an unethical science experiment. bubs wasn't grown in a lab in this au, but he was still subjected to some painful "knowledge tubes" experiments due to his contract with b'mesa. so he still knows that feel, bro. unwilling lab rat solidarity.) benb apologizes for everything in antarctica, and bubs apologizes for torching gord, but then the team asks what the fuck? happened in the desert?? and gord explains the "one-sided tag" game they do to help benb burn up energy, and that benb was just carrying gord to let him rest from the run on the way back to the car. ("Carrying you in his stomach, though?" "nah i don't put him where food goes. it's the uhhhh *lip smack* nap organ. custom made for sleeping in. bedry time.") (they also at one point explain "also we're dating" to which gord gets accused of being a monsterfucker ha ha. and then benb's like "ew no i'm ace" and harold goes on about how beautiful interracial young love is.)

[omegangrins]

Chibnall, Children, Choice and Consequence

Allow me to introduce a companion piece to A Treatise on the Doctor:

It's pretty simple:

Chibnall knows what he's doing and is playing a long game to show how the Doctor needs to take more responsibility.

Let me start off with my favorite examples. That's right, plural.

Every single villain 13 faces is never defeated, merely pushed away from causing them any immediate problems. Tim Shaw being the prime example.

1&10. Seriously, Tim Shaw. Her plan was to use his own bombs on him and then teleport him off the planet. Even without Ranskoor Av Kolos, the Doctor should have thought to check in on him. Especially after The Ghost Monument showed the Stenza were a greater threat than she knew. She still hasn't even checked up on WHAT THE HELL THE STENZA ARE! They sound worse than Daleks but naw, let's go rain-bathing in the upper tropics of Canstano instead.

2. Ghost Monument. We saw the END of an interuniversal race. What the fuck is the beginning that got them there? Who is Illyn and how and why did he orchestrate a super race?

3. Krasko. Sent back in time. Really, Doc? Not gonna take a look at the device and see where Ryan sent the prick so you can double check that he's not gonna cause anymore damage?

4. President Trump analog. Ooooo, you looked at him menacingly, Doc, that'll show him!! Not like he's gonna KEEP DOING ILLEGAL SHIT LIKE THIS.

5. The Pting. She literally shunted it off ship to be dealt with by someone else BUT DOESN'T GO BACK TO BE THAT SOMEONE ELSE ONCE SHE HAS HER TARDIS. That's like leaving a living nuke floating around after sweeping it under the rug while you fly off to Paris.

6. The Pakistani-Indian conflict still happens and millions still die. Not her fault but still....

7. Kerblam. Sure, Charlie's terrorism was solved but not the underlying problem that led to it. Humans still can't work because corporations like profits over people.

8. Similar to the Punjab, how you gonna solve sexism, classism and all the -isms?

9. WHY WAS THE SOLITRACT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE??!! It's been around since before the universe. Why'd it decide to come back now? It's a whole universe trying to hug our universe to death. Maaaaaaybe we should check out why.

11. She's gets a pass on the Dalek. Fucking impossible to eradicate them.

12. The Master!!! Finally she checks up on something after the adventures... and it's horrible. With everything gone to shit in her absence. Seeing a pattern yet?

And Barton? And the Cassaven? They didn't disappear into smoke.

13. Multiple Earths being multiply fucked. Remember when I said the Doctor couldn't solve racism, classism, sexism, or any of the other -isms? Starting to look like she needs to TRY.

14. The Skithra FLY OFF after getting hit by a laser beam. That kind of thing tends to piss people off. Even if they're idiots using other's technology.

15. Jack. The Judoon. The Ruth Doctor. All things I'd start checking out if I had a time machine BUT

16. WE CAN'T cause the TARDIS emergency alert is going off and we need to hurry up and run and solve this problem before we run out of time in our TIME AND SPACE MACHINE. Leading to another problem the Doctor could help solve but won't. Plastic and over-consumption.

17. Oh yeah, let's trap two Eternals from another universe in the same place. There's NO WAY that could ever turn out bad.

18,19,20. And again. Cyberium. Pushed off Shelley onto herself and onto Ashad and onto The Master.

That's almost 20 "enemies" the Doctor still needs to deal with.

Oh, not to mention that they let UNIT go defunct because they didn't have the forethought to ask if they needed any money in their alien fighting budget. After asking for an office, a desk, and a job. Kinda funny that way, aren't they?

I hope by now you've gotten the idea that this is VERY deliberate. This is Chibnall laying down some very heavy pipe to smack the Doctor like a clothesline. There isn't a one of these situations that can't come around to bite her in the ass.

Barton, Roberts, Skithra. These are all very loose strands for a time traveller like the Doctor to get tripped up on. Chibnall's past episodes prove it. They're all about the Doctor learning how to take responsibility.

42: The Doctor almost gets Martha killed and almost gets himself killed trying to fix it.

The Hungry Earth: The Doctor (a thousand year old "adult") tells Elliot (a 10 year old kid) that "Sure it's totally fine to go get your headphones while we prepare for an approaching unknown alien force." And 11 rightfully gets his ass chewed for it by the child's mother when the kid goes missing because OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS, JACKASS!

Cold Blood: I could write an entire essay about the Doctor's guilt over the Silurian/Human conflicts they've witnessed, but I don't need to. Because every single Silurian centered episode written in the new era is from Chris Chibnall. And you can feel the sad knowledge of Classic Who spill through. He KNOWS how many times the Doctor has fucked up with the Silurians (about 8 times in television format. And it's rough everytime. Rough.) and he writes those episodes like an apology on behalf of the whole human race. And the Doctor. You know why people are put off by Warriors of the Deep? 5 releases a gas that melts the Silurians. And though it's cheesy, the idea and execution is still horrible.

Add to that if the Doctor hadn't stopped to check the crack, then Rory wouldn't have waited and been around to be shot then absorbed by the time crack.

Power of Three: An entire episode about how the Doctor has a problem slowing down and really taking account of the lives of their companions.

Dinosaurs on a Spaceship: The Doctor actually tries to be responsible and pick the right people for a job. For once. But gets angry when they realize it's too late and there's another bunch of Silurians they failed to save. Classic!

Like I said, if you can't see the pattern, you're not paying enough attention to your responsibilites.

Which leads me to the why.

When you fly around time and space for thousands of years, you develop a few duties of care along the way. In every situation, you're the oldest. Technically the only adult in terms of experience. You have a responsibility to act a little less rude and be a bit more aware than needing cue cards to tell you that you should be sad about things around you. And that's the purpose of 13. She's unlucky but learning. Like 12 telling himself something with his face he couldn't say out loud, 13's instincts are leading her to a new place for the Doctor: being a caring, responsible person. Not so much laughing hard or running fast, but being kind. It's the one thing they recognized as a problem in themselves when seeing 1. Being a Doctor is about being kinder than that. Just because you HAVE to saw someone's leg off, that doesn't mean you can't wait a little and comfort them before you do it.

You wanna know what gave me every faith in Chibnall showrunning Doctor Who? 13 staying for Grace's funeral.

Do you understand how unprecedented that is? This is the same person who never said Goodbye to Jo Grant as she got married and fucked off into the night. The same Doctor who said, "I don't do domestic.", did it with Rose a regeneration later, and then closed himself off to everyone but a married couple he felt guilty about who ended up birthing his wife. Have you any idea the number of funerals the Doctor should have the common decency to sit through? This many.

So for 13 to stay around for the death of a woman she has only just met and not only that, BUT call out Ryan's father for not doing the same, it shows tremendous character growth. It's taken millennia but they're still changing.

Something similar happens with Rosa and The Witchfinders. Realizing that there a lot of companions who have been in situations that are sometimes worse than aliens, but they still manage to make it through. So she needs to buck it up and persevere for everyone else.

That's where her anger comes from, and really it's one of my favorite traits on her. It reminds me of 7. Someone impossibly old and impossibly kind saying to hell with it and at least having some fun with the evils who drag us through the universe. And just like Cartmel planned for 7, 13's past will come to haunt her.

That's where children come in. Most of us are crying babies to the Doctor.

There's this thing you notice most in British shows about answering the question directly as asked. Someone says "Are you sure?", you answer "Sure". That's a direct acknowledgement that you heard the question, understood it, and processed it enough to respond in a manner directly correlating to the question asked. Yas and Graham got it and said "Sure" but Ryan missed it and said "Deffo". This is like Elliot with the headphones. The Doctor should have immediately been like, "Okay, Ryan, it's obvious that you're still dealing with the trauma of your grandmother's death and probably not processing things on a logical level. I said "Are you sure?" Not "Are you deffo?" Because we are most definitely not deffo, Ryan. Graham, you wanna help here?"

I'm being sarcastic for points sake but you understand the idea. The Doctor knows better and has a responsibility as such. She should've really sat down with Ryan and Graham and seen if there was a better way to process their grief.

Because I'm fairly certain that "Deffo" is gonna lead to Ryan's death and Graham's cancer resurging as time cancer (I don't know what time cancer is. I just know it's bad.)

And that is gonna piss Yas off. Which will give you all that character you think she's missing (she isn't. Her character is in her subtleties and silences.). That's WHY her character is a police officer (like how does no else see that the man who wrote Broadchurch wrote an inspector character companion?) Imagine you're Yaz and you see the Doctor flying around in a big, magic box that says POLICE. As a fellow officer, you're gonna expect some basic safety protocols.

Like do a background check on everyone flying in the TARDIS to know whether they're stable enough (mentally, physically, emotionally) for time and space travel. It's no picnic. These people are going to go through hell. A little vetting and planning like Time Heist or Dinosaurs on a Spaceship goes a long way.

Secondly, full fucking disclosure.

"Oh. I can't die because I change my body. Oh. I have arch enemies that will try to kill and torture us any chance they get. Oh. My home planet is full of the biggest assholes in the universe and I'm including my arch enemies."

Third, police like to do this thing called "check-ups" where they go back to the scene of the crime in order to see if there is any more information that can be gleaned which you might not notice when you are busy running around trying not to be killed... Like, the Doctor has the perfect machine to do this with, but nope. Adventure done, run to the next place!!

These are all things you'd expect any reasonable person to do and say when taking others flying off into time and space and "helping". Even if they are an idiot passing through and learning. Especially when you consider the Doctor is vastly older and more experienced than everyone they encounter. They SHOULD know better. And they've got the lifespan to slow down. It's not like they need to be in a hurry because they're going to die at any moment like humans. The Doctor could easily stay for tea and it would be less than a drop in their lifespan.

Now, as usually is the case when I make these theories, I have a parts 1,2,3,4 and 6. There's allways this 5th piece I miss but I manage to get at the end.

But the 6th piece is the Timeless Child. The Doctor isn't a Time Lord anymore. They're not beholden to those people and ideas anymore. Even moreso, those people basically raped her childhood for their own gain so it's not like you'd really listen to them and their "policy of non-intervention".

I'm sensing a coming Trial of a Time Lord season (even believing these two seasons are the opening statement and preliminary evidence of the trial itself) wherein the Doctor finally gets the turnaround 6 deserved. A Trial of the Time Lords, if you will.

"In all my travels through time and space I have battled against evil, against power-mad conspirators. I should have stayed here! The oldest civilization: decadent, degenerate and rotten to the core! Power mad conspirators? Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen — they're still in the nursery compared to us! Ten million years of absolute power: that's what it takes to be really corrupt!"

This is what it's all coming down to. Chibnall's takedown of the Time Lords. And The Master is going to play the most crucial role of all.

They're going to be revealed as an Ux alongside the Doctor and show how the only constants they have in this universe are each other and it's about damn time they work together and tell these high collars to eat Schitt while they explore every star and planet they can find.

Come on, the episode is called The Timeless "Children". If it was just the Doctor it'd be called "The Timeless Child". The Master says as much with the misdirect line, "built on the lie of the Timeless Child." since we see two kids playing in that flashback.

"Since always. Since the Cloister Wars, since the night he stole the moon and the president's wife, since he was a little girl. One of those was a lie, can you guess which one?"

Now we know which one was a lie, we know the Master HAS known the Doctor since they were a little girl. THAT little girl...

But this is all just speculation. It's not like Chris Chibnall could have been thinking about this for the past 40 years and was given a blank slate to do whatever he wanted for five years on his favorite TV show. If y'all want to think he took those reigns and is choosing to make things worse...

Well then you don't know much about responsibility.

I'll let the man himself tell you about it.

"Very early in my career,” says Chibnall, “someone told me that you learn more from a failure than you do from a success. And then I lived out that phrase for a year in Los Angeles. I learned that I would not work that way again or be put in that situation again.” The essential lesson was: “You either have to be in total control of a show or working with people who share your vision and will work with you to achieve it. Also, never work with 13 executive producers.

“Camelot was the classic case of too many cooks. It wasn’t a harmonious set-up and I think that does manifest itself on screen.

“I had a fantastic cast but you have to be free to tell the story you want to tell in the way that you want to tell it. What ended up on screen was not what I wanted and so it is a blemish on my CV.”

Credit to @thirteenthdoc

“You immortals - so entitled, so spoiled. You never clear up after yourselves and you always leave stuff lying around.” - Thirteenth Doctor in Can You Hear Me?

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not.

[lancetuckershairgel]

Summmary: Chris uncovers some unsettling truths about Lucy's home life. Lucy becomes angry with Chris.

Word Count: 1,560

Warnings: language, mentions of abuse of a minor

Tag List: @southernbell91 @marvelgirl7 @anxiousamandapanda @book-dragon-13 @jobean12-blog @loricameback @spacemansam @randomfandompenguin @louisianaspell (If you wish to be added or removed in the tag list for this, let me know)

"Leave me alone!"  Lucy yelled as she jerked away from Miss Alexander's reach. "God, can you people not be prison wardens for like five minutes?! Fuck"

"Lucy!" 

The teenager ignored her superior and stir.ed to her class, taking her seat. The Language Arts teacher raised her eyebrows but continued with the lesson, choosing not to fight the battle today. It was Monday and everyone hated Monday's. Especially Chris who was now making his way toward the classroom. He entered, apologizing to the teacher for interrupting, and asked Lucy to join him in the hallway. Lucy ignored him, hoping he'd just leave and glared from underneath her hair covered face as he approached desk. 

"I'm not asking this time. Get up."

Again, the girl didn't reply. Chris sighed,  hating what was to come next. All part of the job, but the riskiest part. Chris stood behind her desk and reached his arms under hers, pulling her up from her desk. She didn't fight him, instead she became dead weight, forcing him to drag her out into the hallway. Waiting for them was the principal, the vice principal,  and the school counselor. 

"Lucy, you were asked repeatedly to remove your hood. You know the rules. No head coverings of any kind inside the school."

"Are you gonna make Inya take her headscarf off?" Lucy grumbled 

"That's different. She has religious exemption."

"Well I have exemption too under the fact that I don't want to."

"Lucy."

Chris was behind her and his voice made her aware of his presence, her stance instantly becoming defensive. 

"Take your hood off and drop the attitude."

"Or what Chris?" Lucy turned toward him, her tone aggressive "You gonna take me down? Cuff me and break my arm?" 

"That's not...have you been reading the news again?"

"No, but all you cops are the same."

Chris pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"Just one day, please, could you not be difficult? I was in the middle of a-" 

"Fine!" 

Lucy's sudden scream made the adults jump, taken aback, but not Chris. He remained calm, watching the girl as she reached up and yanked the hood away from her face and pushed her hair away. Soft gasps littered the air as the bruises on Lucy's face and neck were revealed. 

"Lucy, what happened? Are you alright?" Ms Broman, the counselor, asked 

"Oh, now you care?! Five minutes ago you didn't give a shit why I was wearing my hood, you just wanted me to comply to your stupid rules." 

She glared at the women before turning to glance up at Chris.

"Well?"

Chris didn't know what to say. He was shocked, which surprised him. He always had a feeling that something was going on at home, but seeing the proof shook his core. 

"We should go to my office." Ms Broman suggested 

"I just want to go back to class." 

"Lucy, we should talk about this." Chris managed to say

"Talk about what? I got my ass kicked this weekend, big deal. I just want to do my work."

"Who did this? Was it a student?"

"No."

"Your father?"

"Why can't you people leave me alone?!" Lucy cried, pushing past the staff and running up the hallway. 

They were dumbfounded, all standing there looking at each other as they wondered what to do next. 

"I'll talk to her, figure this out." Chris sighed 

"Good. She listens to you." Ms Broman nodded in agreement "We're really going to miss the Lucy Whisperer when you leave."

Chris chuckled before they dispersed. He knew where Lucy would be hiding and sure enough he found her in his office, curled in the saucer chair, her hood pulled tight over her head. 

"Luce?" Chris sat on the edge of his desk "You ok, kiddo?" 

"I'm fine." 

"Who hurt you?" 

No response. 

"Lucy? Did your dad do this?" 

Nothing. 

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"Ha!" Lucy's laugh dripped with sarcasm "Help? How can you help? Call the child services people?"

"I'm required by law to call them if there's a child that needs-" 

"Needs what? An even worse ass beating? You think this is the first time something like this has happened? Every time some grownup tells me they're going to help, then they call the cops. Cops come, old man gets out of trouble, and I get it ten times worse. So why don't you help by minding your business." 

Chris spent the rest of the day trying to convince Lucy to let him make the call but she begged and pleaded until he relented and raises his hands. 

"Fine. I could lose my job, you know."

"Just say you took care of it."

Chris couldn't sleep that night. Every time he  closed his eyes all he could see was Lucy and the bruises. Guilt laid heavy in him and he knew he should make the call but he also knew how much damage it could do. The judicial system was so backwards, and the department of family and children services didn't like to take kids out of their homes,  even with solid proof. The next morning Chris went into the school feeling like a zombie and he was sure that his unkempt hair and baggy eyes showed that he had a rough night. Instead of going to his office he went to the hallways, looking for Lucy. He found her trying to threaten another kid into giving her his breakfast but she stopped when she saw Chris. 

"Hey, kiddo. You okay?" 

She jerked away from him, ignoring his question and storming off to her class. The entire day went by without a word from Lucy's teachers, and he didn't know if he should be worried or relieved. As he finished up a last minute document for the ROTC speech he was giving the next day,  a knock on his door caused him to stop. 

"Come in."

Ms Broman walked in with concern written across her usually cheerful expression. 

"Have a seat. Is everything okay?"

"No, not really. Lucy's current situation is alarming."

"Certainly."

"I asked around for a bit of Intel on her and I'm not liking what I'm hearing. She refused to write an assignment last week, which you know isn't like her, about her family. Did you know that throughout the entire school year she's not once eaten a meal here?"

"I didn't know that." 

"I asked the lunch staff and it turns out there's not a dime in her account. Hasn't been all year. Students say that she threatens them for food."

"Explains this morning." Chris thought to himself as he processed the information "What do we know about her parents? Anything?"

"I pulled her file, she moved her over summer, her mother died four years ago. No one has ever seen or talked to the father." 

"Past records from the previous schools?"

"That only shows her grades and any incidents. There weren't any alarming ones, but she did get suspended in middle school for selling slime on campus." 

"Slime? That doesn't seem like something she'd do." 

Chris made a few notes and finished his conversation with the counselor. He went home for the day, still unable to focus on anything other than Lucy. 

The next morning he was surprised to see Lucy waiting for him in front of his office door, arms crossed. 

"Good morning." He greeted her with a soft smile as he unlocked the door and gestured for her to come in "How are you today?"

"Cut the shit, Chris." She spat, glaring at him "You're the fakest person I've ever met, you know that?" 

"What do you mean?" Chris took a sip of his coffee as he looked at her 

Lucy uncrossed her arms and waved the flier she had been holding in his face 

"Goodbye Rally? You want to explain?"

"The school wants to hold a goodby for me on Friday.  Not my kinda thing, but not my choice." 

"So you're leaving?"

"I am. I had to get a new job that works better for my schedule." 

"Were you planning on telling me?" 

"Oh, you care?" 

"Fuck you." 

Tears filled Lucy's eyes, her face red with frustration. 

"Lucy…"

"It's because of me isn't it?"

"What? No, Luce, that's not it at all"

"Then why?! Why leave somewhere you're needed? These kids, the ones you mentor, the ROTC kids you work with. They need you."

Chris frowned, his gut feeling as if it had been punched. He didn't want to leave his job at the high school, but if he ever wanted to finish his night classes and get his counseling degree, he had to.

"They're bringing in a new resource officer. I know her and she'll do a gild job with everyone."

"You can't leave." Tears streamed down Lucy's face "Please. I promise I won't cause any more trouble, I won't talk back or cuss ever again."

"Lucy, this has nothing to do with you." 

"You don't care, do you? This is just a paycheck for you, you don't care what happens to us. Fucking liar."

Chris started to reply but was cut off by Lucy balling up the flier and throwing it in his face. She stormed out, slamming the door closed behind her. Chris sat down in his chair and buried his face in his hands, groaning.