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jimines · 3 years ago

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Whats actually happened between you and taemaknae? I read about it on the tea blog and still confused

This is an insanely long story so I'm going to put it below the cut so for anyone interested in this absolute shit show, continue on.

Essentially, I posted these headers about a month ago:

It was a set of like 8 colours and it was the first time I had ever posted any headers or anything. The issue nic had with these, was the ripped paper bottom. Because apparently you can trademark that. I had asked a (now ex) “friend” of mine if she knew where I could find the ripped paper effect because I had seen the effect on the header of her network blog and I had been trying to find a similar thing for months and google images never gave me anything good. She ended up referring me to google images anyways and after like an hour of dedicated searching, I found this ripped paper effect and used it. This ex “friend” went on to tell another friend of mine that I had "asked where nicole gets her resources for her headers" and then screenshotted my dm as "proof", which still confuses me because I never mentioned nicole there lmao. I've seen the screenshot.

Tell me where I said nicole. It was literally just a question born from seeing the header they had on their network lmao. I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t know this person ran said network at that time, which is why i said “these people”.

This other friend then came to me and just said my headers "may be seen as similar to nic's” and said she noticed it on her own and never mentioned my other “friend” approaching her. I was confused because other than that ripped paper effect that I know many people on tumblr use, I saw no similarities. Nic's headers are usually more complex and more than just a coloured background with a little effect in it. I just wanted to make some simple headers for fun because I was bored. But, regardless, I messaged nic about it to make sure she didn't feel the same way. I told her a friend of mine was worried nic might think my headers are similar to her's and I assured her that if she found them similar I would take them down, no questions asked. Nic told me she was surprised this friend brought it up and told me that it was entirely up to me if I found the headers similar. She never once told me she felt they were the same, never mentioned anything about them, she insisted it was up to me to do as I pleased. So, since I genuinely found no similarities, I left them up.

About a week went by and things between nic and I were fine, or so I thought, based off the fact that she was interacting with my posts, sending me cute asks and replying to a lot of my comments and stuff being kind and whatnot. Then, I decided to post a small list of my creations and the series I had running at the time.

After that, all of a sudden I got an influx of rude hate anons:

To anyone I mentioned the anons to, they agreed with me, you cannot trademark circular icons. This anon also accused me saying “just the fact that you had an anxiety attack about it proves you copied them” Like no sweetie, it’s called three strangers walked into my house and I got anxious.

Despite me not seeing the issue, I messaged nic, assuming she wouldn't care about the icons (it wasn't like I was taking her exact work and copying and pasting them as my own) and that made her very upset. When she responded to me, she was incredibly heated and gave off the vibe she was waiting for me to message her about it.

She said things like "this has actually been bothering me for a while", "i expected you to be able to read between the lines and delete the headers", "i don't know who that anon was but clearly they recognize my style". For starters, she never told me that she was annoyed with me, she was being very kind to me publicly. And I have no idea how I was meant to “read between the lines” of what she said especially considering how kind she was to me the following days. I also never accused her of knowing this anon, she just insisted it wasn't her and she didn't know them right off the bat. She also insinuated that I copied my gifs from others as well, which ticked me off because I made my 100+ layer psd myself thank you very much. But I kept my cool, and I told her I had no idea she felt the way she did, and I told her I would delete the headers (which i did as the conversation was going on), and that I would stop posting my icons and bringing attention to them because no one ever paid it any mind before that point. And I asked her “please tell me straight up the next time you have an issue with me because I am generally pretty dumb with social cues”, I have my adhd to thank for that. And instead of replying, she just blocked me. And conveniently, the hate anons stopped dead right after we blocked each other and I haven't received any since.

Also, these are the kinds of icons I posted:

Looks pretty generic and idk, universal, right?

Then, as I've recently found out today, she was in an "anti-loverjimin" groupchat with at least 2 other bloggers.

Which explains why this all went and fell into place. I know who the two other bloggers are because of what happened two days later but I won't name them just yet, but these two people had been "friends" with me for several months. So, a day or two after nic blocked me, all of a sudden some good friends of mine were blocking me and not talking to me when I asked what was going on. I found out soon after it was because nicole and those two now ex “friends” of mine had taken old dms I sent them and were showing them to people. And I will go into detail about them but I won't name the people they are about for privacy reasons.

Before I move on, to clarify some lies nic has been spreading about me, I never once shit talked nicole to my friends. One of these ex friends also said I was trying to get people on my side. I would have reacted to this all very very differently if that were the case. I would be dragging everyone through the fucking dirt but I don't get off on drama or micromanaging what my mutuals do. My issues are with these people, if you're still friends with them that's your decision i could not care less. So, back to it, the only thing I said about nic was that she and I had a stupid small fight over icons and that she was spreading lies about me, based off of what nic said to jordan.

That exact message, or slight variations of it, was sent to anyone I interacted with because I didn't know if nic was going to stop at jordan or try and get to everyone I fucking knew lmao. Some of the people I messaged this to told ME nic had done this kind of thing before, that she has sent hate anons, launched hate campaigns, cancelled people, etc. Over stupid shit like icons lmao.

Here are some responses I received after I mentioned nicole:

And nic or one of her friends also took it upon themselves to send anons to that tea blog to blow shit up and named everyone and made it an even bigger mess when they saw no one was actively trying to fight me after the dms got out.

I also love that in this following ask, they named my two “friends” that were behind the whole dm drama and backstabbed me, as well as two other people I never badmouthed, that story was twisted. But we’ll get into those details shortly.

And she also told people I clout chased big blogs and only cared about notes. At one point, yes, I did care a lot about my statistics. However, never once did I think clout chasing was worth my fucking time or energy, Nic is the biggest clout chaser on this damn site and there are receipts of that, ask jordan lmao. And I couldn’t give two shits about my statistics anymore lmao, much less anxiety that way. Do I still crave validation sometimes? Sure. But it's not a driving force of my tumblr experience like it used to be.

But, moving on to the dms, the first one was sent when I first came back to tumblr full-time and didn't understand why people self reblogged things, I found the pretence of self reblogging annoying and greedy and I complained about it and it was a comment fuelled by two bloggers that i would see sr a lot on my dash. But I never thought THEY were annoying, as these people are saying I did, it was self reblogging I found annoying and as you can see I have come to understand why people sr and I do it myself too. I didn't even know these two bloggers at this time either. That dm was cropped to hide the fact that this "friend" agreed with me and hid the date as well so it seemed recent, and was sent to one of the bloggers I mentioned as an example, someone I had since become good friends with.

I didn’t befriend one of the people I mentioned there until mid to late June. That friendship is now over thanks to this drama and all the lies. The second friend of mine they went after was never spoken about in dms, they went and turned her against me through lies and manipulation so that friendship has ended too. And while those two were doing that, nic went off to try and turn jordan against me.

There was a particular user on here that I did say some nasty things about but we weren't friends, as many people have been made to believe. I was particularly mad at this person in those dms and was hurtful, I admit, and I have since apologized and owned up to all of it to these people. I did call them fake and/or two-faced.

And what in the gassing me up bullshit was their response though lmao. I also sent this following dm before I even talked about the issue with this person. They urged me to continue and to name drop the person, and I stupidly thought they were trustworthy.

My reasoning for what I said wasn't unwarranted though, I don't make a habit of going around shit-talking people, unless they do something to me first. I vent when I am upset and this person had sent me a passive aggressive ask and then denied sending it when I asked and I thought that was just very fake, especially since she was so kind to me in dms before the ask came in. But all of these dms were cropped too to hide timestamps and responses, and in most cases, like those screenshots prove, these "friends" either gassed me up or egged me on to continue ranting or to name the people i was mad at and they had agreed with me on several, several occasions. Turns out they were trying to get dirt on me to use in their cancel campaign. But the point is, nic has made me out to be this horrible person that befriends "big blogs" (an overrated statement) and then shit talks them behind their back without remorse. Yet it was one person I said rude things about and I, again, owned up to it all and apologized to them the first day. I would've done it sooner had I a) remembered feeling the way I did all those months ago or remembered the dms themselves or b) felt that way still after meeting them. But neither is the case.

I find it really amusing though that these people wanted things to be kept quiet and didn’t want anyone they spoke to to talk to me about it because I was going to “out them on my blog” and “make a big scene”, then they three went and made it a big fucking scene and ruined my friendships. I’m familiar with this pattern of manipulation as it has happened to me in real life before and it’s the most childish bullshit to witness.

Before this callout day for nic, I had never once been directly rude to or about her, same goes for those ex “friends” that betrayed my trust and friendship. The fact that they plotted against me in a group chat while still actively talking to me and being all buddy buddy is just disgusting. Both of them were talking to me that day at the same time they were sharing the dms and shit-talking me to my friends. But yeah, that's my side, the untwisted side, of the whole story. I tried to be mature and talk to nic and when I didn't do what she wanted me to do, she blocked me and launched the hate campaign with dms and the power of photoshop. I’ve been hesitant to make any of this public because it was meant to be a silent ordeal but I’ve grown tired of her constantly publicizing everything without consequence while I remain silent like I promised.

#anon #replied💌#tw:negativity #drama #long post #read at your own risk aha #its a shit show #idc if you rb it #pinning temporarily for the next day(sih)#ish*#edited with screenshots and whatnot that i forgot i had on my phone lmao

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zanniscaramouche · 3 years ago

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MAY WE LIFT EACH OTHER UP

Thank you @phd-mama for such a wonderful idea! Sadly the month got away from me so I could not spread love all month long (although I did try to power read some shorter fics and serial-comment as much as I could!) and I hope you have all enjoyed the quotes from fics @allwaswell16 is reading as much as I have!

Inspired by that, I’m handing out flowers to every person who’s ever reblogged, liked, commented or kudos on a fic or fic post. A flower for those who leave nice things in the tags and those who interact with wip posts to encourage the process. You’re all a necessary part of this whacky fanfiction machine. Here are some people who are major factors in my productivity levels, and people who inspire me to keep creating and have fun 💕

🌻 @mercurial-madhouse My lovely beta, supremely smart and bursting with creativity. You inspire me every day and I adore working with you. You bring so much balance and structure to my work, the fine-toothed comb that really picks things out and makes them shine. Somedays(most days) I swear you can read my mind. Thank you for every second of effort you’ve put into making my stories come to life! Your own writing inspires me to be more imaginative and unafraid to dip into the niche.

🌸 @lululawrence Such a wonderful human! You give off such great energy, I am in awe of how passionately and avidly you commit yourself to creating fanworks for the sheer pleasure of doing so. You remind me to write fic for myself first and foremost, everything else is second. No pairing is rare enough.

🌹 @kingsofeverything The absolute mammoth list of your discography is awe inducing. Truly I can only hope to have the pleasure of reading them all. Your variety is so inspiring to me to try new and different things. The way you portray the human condition is phenomenal. A real inspiration all around.

🌼 @haztobegood An all around beautiful person. Love sprinting with you and seeing your new works being posted, reading your fics is always a good time! The comments you leave are so kind, thank you!

🌷 @theisolatedlily LILY! A thousand flowers for you, the most supportive commenter out there! You go ABOVE & BEYOND to another galaxy level, I swear. The feedback you provide is instrumental to my continued creativity and desire to pursue writing. Thank you x300million. Your brilliant usage of a large vocabulary and your love of grotesque detail truly inspires me to dig deeper while writing.

🌺 @soldouthaz A literal angel! Continuously taking the initiative to help others in the fandom (betabase was such a good idea!) and so kind to everyone. One of the first writers I read when I started in the fandom and I am so glad because you hooked me in to stay!

🌻 @falsegoodnight Another of the first authors I first started reading in this fandom. Your hard work and dedication is so inspiring to me, and reading your fics is always a lovely experience that lets me truly escape. Thank you for being so wonderful!

🌸 @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed WOW! You are continuously encouraging me to work on my wips via tag challenges. I havent responded to them in awhile(life has me by the throat) but know that those tags are VITAL to my sustained writing effort, and I eagerly await tagging you multiple times a week once more. Thank you for always thinking of me to tag!

🌹 @fallinglikethis A heart of gold! A true darling, thank you for your recording of my work, it was a true experience to hear. I cherish every comment and interaction between us!

🌼 @nevergooutofstiles Seriously where do I start! You are a serial commenter and it’s fabulous. I don’t think you can truly grasp how much each word in every comment you leave means to me, both those on the fic itself and the tags left in the fic posts. Thank you for your continued support!

🌷 @londonfoginacup Such a sweetie! I am so humbled by your lovely words and I am so pleased to know you enjoyed some of my work. Thank you for all that you’ve done for the fandom, as well as the support you’ve personally shown me in tags and comments.

🌺 @louandhazaf Lovely! Through your own work you inspire me to keep writing rarepairs, and I can’t wait to read more of your stories to give back on all the comments you’ve left on my stories. Thank you for being wonderful!

🌻 @disgruntledkittenface Astonishing! Tagging you back and forth keeps me going, I can’t get enough of seeing your upcoming works and the motivation to create new ‘last lines’ and ‘sunday snippets’ is a much needed boost. Thank you for thinking of me when tagging!

🌸 @brightgolden My very first beta! You helped me so much on my first few beta experiences and are such a treat to work with. Thank you for your continued support, I am so proud to see you writing now and can NOT wait to read your new fics!

🌹 @homosociallyyours Always so kind in the tags! Thank you for reading and commenting and boosting my works. You’re such a wonderful person to follow too!

🌼 @larryyouknow Sincerely wonderful! Always checking in and sharing your enthusiasm for my work. Thank you so much for getting in touch, I adore talking with you!

🌷 @oldbay-on-apples Sincere and sweet, thank you so much for you feedback and support!

🌺 @runaway-train-works Thank you for the love of rarepairs! It keeps me going on works that are truly passion projects. Your comments are so thoughtful and intelligent!

🌻 @bluecolouredlou So lovely to hear from you and to see your interest in my works! Thank you for being so kind and encouraging.

🌸 @allwaswell16 A goddess! Wow there are few words I haven’t used yet, but you are all of them: lovely, sweet, kind, sincere, beautiful! You are constantly creating, be it fic, rec lists, or monthly round ups. A true legend. Thank you for all that you do, and thanks for your support!

🌹 @solvetheminourdreams Cutie! I love seeing your works pop up, and I am so eager to devour them soon. Thankful for the encouragement and tags in fun little challenges.

🌼 @harrystinyshorts So much fun tagging you back and forth and reading what you’re working on. Thank you for thinking of me!

🌷 @makethebestofwhatyouget Hello darling! You are a ball of energy and passion, a real shining light! The excitement you exude is addicting. Thank you for sharing it with me and always pushing me to keep going!

xx 🌺+ SOOOO many more that I couldn’t find the tumblr accounts for or sincerely forgot in my overtired daze. This month has kicked my butt, as my vague absence may have implied, and I miss interacting with everyone. With another season of work coming to an end, I can finally settle down and commit myself to what truly brings me joy: fanfic! In the next month I hope to read all of the beautiful fics that have come out recently (read: the past 7 months) while also fulfilling all of the fic festivals I seem to have signed up for 😅

Here’s to a wonderful summer & beyond for all of us!

#may we lift each other up #zanni thinks #you're all so special in your own ways #thank you for making this a safe place for me to be creative #and inspiring me to spread my wings #your hearts are golden #I'm a day late for the 28th appreciation #I'm soooorrrry #:(

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stressedkitkatttt · 4 years ago

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You Can Take It

Dedicated to two anons who had some wonderful ideas about Zabdaddy and his big dick. Both were too good to pass up and I thought, why not shove them into one story? I wish I knew who they were so I could tag them but I hope you two see this and know you are responsible for one of the filthiest stories I have ever written. But I am proud of how it turned out so thank you and enjoy. If I thought Richard's story was sin bruh I was lying to y'all

Word Count: 4.6k (99% of it is smut)

Warnings: Zabdiel is packing and everyone knows it so he basically splits you open in this fic, two smut scenes, size kink to the max here, Jesus I am going to hell but at this point I’m just enjoying the ride, this is sin through and through, read a bible or something holy after this lmao(or don't and enjoy being unholy and the slow descent into hell with me :D)

Anon 1: Y’all ever think about taking Zabdi’s dick for the first time and it is so fucking big you gotta like train up for it and do loads of prep like different sized dildos and then when you manage to get him all in he’s whispering things like « wow my baby taking all of me » and « like the stretch?» and you’re just like woAH bc you feel so full and then when you’re done home boy gives you a massage bc you feel like you can’t walk....bc I do

Anon 2: Okay last anon I can one up you now. What about sexy time with zabdiel in front of a mirror?! And he’s got his hand round your neck to keep you looking at yourself in the mirror because “look how pretty you are, nena, look at what your boy can do to you. You like this, yeah? Like seeing your legs shake for me?” And you just fucking whimper Bc he’s holding your legs open so wide and rubbing your clit so hard and you can just tell the boys can hear an :D!!!!!

DISCLAIMER: Do NOT think it is okay to take my stories and post them somewhere else without my EXPLICIT PERMISSION. Do NOT think it is okay to take anyone else's stories and post them somewhere else without their EXPLICIT PERMISSION. Giving credit does NOT count as permission. You may reblog my stories, you may NOT repost my stories without MY PERMISSION.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Zabdiel pinned you down against the mattress, his hands on either side of your head. He looked down at you before landing a fiery kiss on your lips. Your hands come up and run through his blonde locks, lips moving in sync with his. He settles himself between your legs, thigh resting close to your core. Zabdiel pulled away from your lips and leaned down to find your sweet spot on your neck.

You tilt your head back and moan when you feel Zabdiel drag his teeth against your weak spot. "Mm, Zabdiel," you arch your back. One of Zabdiel's hands cups your breast as he works a hickey against your neck. You bend a knee and brush against his bulge. He groans against your neck and you freeze for a moment. You felt his bulge against your knee and multiple thoughts ran through your head leading to one question. How big was he?

You move one of your hands from his hair and down his chest right to his bulge. You cup him through his shorts and your mind goes blank. He fit into your hand and then some, and he wasn't even full mast yet. He feels you tense against his body and he pulls back to look at you. Your eyes are wide and he sits back on his knees, giving you a gracious look at the thick bulge in his shorts.

He notices the look on your face and leans over you again, hand cupping your face. "If you are not comfortable, we won't do anything." You try hard not to look at his bulge but you can't help it. Oh, you wanted to do something alright. But you were nowhere near prepared enough to take him.

"I-I do want to do something, but I don't think I'm ready to take.... all of you." You reply, eyes glued to his groin. He tells you to look him in the eyes and you do so.

"So you want to do something?" He asks and you nod, tongue poking out to lick your lips. "Okay. Let's start slow." He sits back on his knees and removes his shirt. You look at his toned chest and sit up on your elbows. He lays down beside you, gripping your arms and pulling you on top of him. You settle on his hips, your clothed heat settled directly over his bulge. You whimper at the feeling of him resting against your mound.

He wraps a hand in your hair and pulls you down to connect your lips. Your lips move in sync and he licks your bottom lip, asking for permission. You don't deny him and let him slide his tongue into your mouth. He takes control of the kiss and places on hand on your hip, gently rubbing circles. After a few moments, you pull away to breathe. He moves his hands from your hair and hip and places them on your chest, cupping both your breasts through the tank top. You look down at him and smile. He smiles back and shifts under you, grinding his dick against you.

You moan and he brings a hand to your cheek. "Whenever you're ready, amol." He leans up so he's chest to chest with you as he begins to trail kisses down your neck again. You thread your fingers through his blonde locks and moan as he begins to suck more marks onto your neck. His hands find your hips again and this time they grip you tight enough to leave bruises and begin to slowly move you back and forth. You get the hint and begin to ride his clothed bulge and the pressure of his dick and the fabric of your shorts grinding on your heat have you moaning already. "Such a dirty girl, aren't you?" He whispers, bucking his hips a little and sending a jolt up your back.

You enjoy this; just grinding down on him while he occasionally bucks his hips to give you an extra sensation. But your curiosity is growing and you want to know just how big he actually is - in all his glory. "Zabdiel," you groan his name and gently tug on his hair to pull his face away from your neck. He looks at you with dark eyes and lips red from sucking marks and kissing you. "Can I..." you trail off. You wanted to sound not-so-nervous but you couldn't help it. He nodded slightly and laid himself flat on the bed.

You wiggle your way down his body, dragging your nails along his exposed chest, laying a few kisses here and there as you went. You travel past down his navel and finally come face to face with his clothed dick, straining hard against his shorts. The shorts did little to hide him and you sucked in a breath. Taking your hands, you reached for the tops of his shorts and begin to pull them down past his thighs. You were expecting him to be wearing something underneath but nope. Your breath catches in your throat as his dick slaps against his navel.

You feel yourself getting wetter and wetter at the thought of having his thick cock inside you. You look up between his thighs and Zabdiel is looking right back at you, a smirk playing on his lips. He was going to ruin you and you were going to enjoy it. You wanted to get a feel for him. To prep yourself because you knew there was no way he was going to fuck you without any prep. You take a deep breath and cup him. You can feel the heat radiating from his dick and your heart begins to beat faster. Everything else around you seems to disappear. You can only focus on Zabdiel and his... Well, you get the picture.

To say he was well-endowed would be an understatement. All the thoughts running through your head all point to one thing - you wanted him. All of him. Tonight. You look back up at Zabdiel, who had relaxed against the bed. You turn your attention back to his dick and fully wrap a hand around him. He jerks at the contact and looks down at you. You can feel him pulsing against your hand. "Damn Zabdiel..." You whisper. You slowly begin to stroke him up and down, watching as precum began to leak from his tip. Soft moans begin to fall from his lips and he tilts his head back into the pillows.

Once you've stroked him a few times, you begin to look for certain spots to see if he was more sensitive. You focus on his tip first and almost instantly find a spot, a little bundle of nerves that has him bucking his hips and grunting like crazy. You mess around with him until you feel his hand cover yours and pull it away. You pout and look up as he sits up. "I wasn't done..." You whine, bringing your lower lip between your teeth.

He doesn't respond. He grabs your arms and pulls you up, placing you beside him and settling himself between your thighs. You feel his dick brushing against your heat and you throw your head back, pussy clenching around nothing. God, you wanted him so bad. You feel Zabdiel's lips connect with your neck once again and feel him gently moving his hips in a thrusting motion, giving you a taste of what's to come. You begin to move your hips against him, causing amazing sensations down below. You bring a hand to his blonde locks and tug gently. "Zabdie..." You whine. He pulls his lips away from your neck and stops the movement of his hips. "Please..."

He nods and connects your lips for a brief moment before pulling away and making his way down your body, leaving butterfly kisses here and there. Once he reaches your clothed core, he doesn't waste any time in removing your shorts and underwear, practically tearing them off in excitement. The groan that leaves his mouth is unholy as he takes in the sight of your glistening pussy. You were dripping for him and he had only grinded his hips against you. Taking his hand, he uses one finger and drags it through your folds, barely brushing against your clit. His eyes dilate at the wetness coating his finger. "Fuck nena, you're soaking for me."

You reply with a breathy, "Only for you." You grip the bedsheets, knuckles turning white as Zabdiel finally lowers his face to where you need him most. His tongue kitten licks through your folds, flattening against your throbbing clit. You throw your head back into the soft pillows and moan his name. Zabdiel can feel your thighs closing around him so he uses his hands and spreads you wide again, giving him a clear view while holding you still. He dives back in and begins to work your core skillfully. When he adds a finger to the mix, you buck your hips and a hand finds his hair, tugging.

Your tight walls hug his digit and he adds a second finger, pulling his face away to gauge your reaction. You begin to lose yourself in the pleasure Zabdiel is providing you with his fingers. You feel him stretch his fingers, opening up your walls in a gentle scissoring motion. As he continues to spread you open, you feel one of his fingers brush a spot deep inside you. You let out a particularly loud moan and Zabdiel angles his fingers to brush the spot again. When he feels you've opened up enough, he adds a third finger slowly. He watches your face closely for any signs of pain or discomfort but all he can see is the pleasure consuming you. His dick twitches as he lets himself think about what you'll feel like when he's buried himself deep inside you.

Once he's sure you're not in any pain, he lowers his head again and begins to assault your pussy with his tongue as well as his fingers. You're riding on cloud nine as Zabdiel does as he pleases. Feeling your walls clench around his tongue and fingers, he loses himself for a moment and suddenly drags his teeth against your sensitive clit and bites down ever-so softly. You yelp in surprise at the pleasurable jolt that goes up your back and gives you goosebumps, a gush of juices flow from your pussy, and Zabdiel cleans it up.

You begin to struggle to hold back your orgasm, clenching hard around him. He knows you're close, so he pulls away, chin covered in your juices, and tells you to cum for him in a sultry tone. You don't hold back as your eyes roll into the back of your head and your hips buck hard against his hand. He works you through the intense orgasm, finally pulling his fingers from your dripping core.

"You've made such a mess, mami." He makes his way back up your body, sliding your shirt over your head, removing your bra as well. You're completely naked beneath him and he is completely naked above you. He cups your face as you come down from your high. "Are you sure you still want me?" He brushes his tip against your aching clit and you nod.

"I'm sure, Zabdie, I want you. All of you." You reply, looking up at him with glossy eyes. He grins and leans over to the dresser and pulls out a bottle of lube, adding lubricant over his shaft. Once he's lubed himself up, he grabs his dick and lines himself up with your entrance. He looks up into your eyes, searching for the green light one last time. When you buck your hips impatiently and tell him it's okay, he slowly pushes his tip in. Just from the pressure of his tip had your eyes crossing a little. You grip his arm and your other hand grips the sheets. "Oh, f-fuck!" You whine.

Zabdiel stops and looks at you, trying so hard not to bury himself inside you and hurt you. He wanted to be as gentle as possible... For now. You look up at him and ask him why he's stopped. He doesn't reply. He slowly pushes more of himself into your greedy walls. He's creating a pleasurable burn and all you can do is whine and whimper. You want more. "Please, Zab, please," you begin to move your head side to side, attempting to buck your hips to push more of him inside.

He is quick to pin your hips down, stopping you from taking things into your own hands. He knows you want more, and he'd be more than willing to bury himself to the hilt, but he also doesn't want to hurt you. He keeps feeding himself into you, stopping every few seconds to let you adjust and soon he's a little more than halfway inside you. You were no virgin by any means but Zabdiel was hands down the biggest man you've been with. It was official. He had ruined you for any other man and he hadn't even bottomed out yet. No one was ever going to measure up to him.

He repositions himself so he's got either of his arms on either side of your head, his head buried in your neck. "You're doing so well, amol." His voice is deeper than you've ever heard it. He has to take a moment before he blows himself then and there. Your walls are tight and seem to be sucking him in. He wants to bury himself to the hilt but he controls himself and his thoughts. How much of him could you take?

"Zab, more," your breath tickles his ear. He groans at the desperate sound of your voice calling his name. He loses his control again for a split second and suddenly buries the rest of himself inside you. Even when he was halfway, he still had a generous amount of shaft before he was buried inside of you. And not to mention his girth. You cry out and curl your legs, knuckles white as you feel him in places you didn't know he could reach. He was fully inside you. You collapse into the bed and Zabdiel grows concerned.

"Nena, look at me," his voice wavers slightly. It has been quite a long time since he's been buried full hilt inside someone. You slowly open your eyes and look up at him with glossy eyes. "Are you okay?"

You don't reply immediately, only able to breathe in heavily and let out little whines and whimpers. When you do find your voice, you only ask for more. He takes a moment to settle himself before pulling out slightly, not wanting to leave your warm walls for too long, and gently sliding back in. The first thrust is enough to send you over the edge, but you hold on, wanting this moment to last.

"You feel so good, papi," you whimper. The sound of how broken your voice is wearing his control thin. He doesn't know how much longer he can hold the beast back. He leans down and whispers in your ear,

"And you feel so good, amol." He pulls back and pushes back in. He starts at a slow pace, letting you feel every inch of him. The more he slows his pace, the more you want him to just wreck you. He looks down at the spot where his dick disappears inside you. He smirks. "Wow, look at how well you take all of me, amol. You like the stretch?"

"Yes!" You reply. "Papi, please, faster. I promise I can take it." He tests the waters a little, biting your neck and picking up his pace only slightly. The only thing keeping him from completely destroying your pussy is the thought of not wanting to hurt you. But the more you whine, the more you beg for him to go faster, to go harder, the harder it is to control himself. Soon, he can feel himself begin to lose his grasp on control, snapping when you cum around him and your walls hug him impossibly tight.

He pulls back and bucks his hips into yours while you're cumming and you scream his name, your back arching. He looks down and asks if you're okay. You nod and just beg for more. You were the first girl in a long time able to take him all the way. He contemplates in his mind whether or not to listen to your pleas; to pound you until you physically can't take it anymore. He decides to give you what you want, asking a final time if this is really what you want. You nod fervently and he lets the beast inside take control. He pulls out and slams himself back in and it's over for you.

You have never felt pleasure like this before. Zabdiel was hitting spots you didn't know were there and you can't help but scream his name. You'd seen the way he worked his hips on stage and now that he was showing how he worked those hips; you were on cloud nine and a half. With the feeling of him filling you and then some, and how he was working himself against you, you can't hold back your orgasm.

Your eyes roll back and you go limp against the mattress. His rhythm didn't falter as he felt you cum around him. He grunted against your ear at the tightness but kept up. He turned so his head so his lips were by your ear.

"You're such a good girl," he moans. You can barely register his words. As he continues to keep a steady pace, his navel rubs against your sensitive clit and it doesn't take long for another orgasm comes crashing over you. This time, Zabdiel does falter in his rhythm and his lips attach to your neck while he whines out. "Stay with me, nena," he pulls away to look at you.

Your eyes were closed, your head was thrown back, and your mouth was open but nothing was coming out. He took pride in knowing that you were this way because of him. He feels a warmth in his stomach as he grows closer to his orgasm. But seeing you like this had him twitching inside you and he can't hold himself back any longer. He reaches down between your bodies and finds your throbbing cunt and rubs circles as his orgasm comes down on him.

He groans loudly and almost crushes himself against you, burying himself all the way as his cum coats your insides. You follow right behind him, gushing and squeezing his dick for the last time that night. He's panting and you collapse into the soft mattress as Zabdiel pulls out of you with a wince. Your eyes are closed and you're also breathing heavily, all the energy zapped out of you. Zabdiel collapses beside you. Once you've regained some strength, you open your eyes and look over at Zabdiel. He meets your gaze and leans down to press a kiss to your lips. "Are you okay, amol?" He gently strokes his thumb over your cheek.

You take a few breaths before replying, "Yeah, I'm fine... I think you've ruined me though." You end your statement in a laugh and he joins you. "Fuck, that was amazing..."

You feel the bed move as Zabdiel goes to the bathroom to get a rag to help you clean up. He walks back over and gently cleans you, well aware of how sensitive you are. As he begins to clean your ruined pussy, he takes a moment to admire how his cum leaks out of you. He felt a flutter in his chest at the sight of you. You were all his. Once he's done, he throws the rag into the hamper and makes himself comfortable behind you, pulling you to his chest. "You owe me a massage." You say, looking into his eyes as he smiles.

~~~~~~~

It's been about a week since you had sex with Zabdiel. You were sore for a few days but he made sure to take good care of you, giving you massages and bringing you things that you need and want. You could tell he felt kind of bad seeing you like this, even when you reassure him it was the best sex you've had. It's a good thing he has a two-week break otherwise this would've sucked.

He doesn't leave your side too often and you guys spent the days after your first time with him on the couch watching movies, cuddling, and having a few steamy make-out sessions. You could tell that he wanted to have sex again, and so did you. You just had to take a small break after he practically ruined you. He understood and settled for snuggling and taking long naps with you. Which is what you were both doing.

You both were laid down on the bed, Zabdiel's arms were wrapped around your waist and your back flush against his chest. His light snores were barely audible because his head was buried in your hair. A sudden jolting movement against you woke you from your sleepy state. You slowly open your eyes and yawn, arching your back a little against Zabdiel's chest. He shifts at your movement and a low groan reaches your ears. You move your hand and wipe your eyes, looking at the bedside clock. 5:36. Almost a three-hour nap.

Another grunt from behind you makes you turn your head slightly, seeing Zabdiel still asleep. The more noises he makes, the more you begin to think he's having a bad dream. It isn't until your body finally registers something hard pressing against your lower back that you realize he is having the exact opposite of a bad dream. You have to stifle a giggle as he begins to grunt and buck his hips against you. You can't help but get a little turned on at the thought of Zabdiel having a wet dream about you.

You let him continue and enjoy his dream for another minute before you giggle softly and slowly reach behind you and towards his groin area. You reach his hard cock and cup him in your hand. He lets out another grunt and bucks his hips into your hands, a muffled groan of your name slips from his lips. You gently squeeze him through his shorts and he suddenly jerks. You hear him yawn and move his arms from your waist as he turns on his back to stretch. You turn around so you're facing him and you smile.

"Did you have a good dream?" You tease him. You can see his cheeks flush as he smiles with you. You lean in and kiss his cheek. "It's okay. I actually think it's kind of hot that you had a wet dream about me." He turns and connects your lips, pulling you close to his side. You melt into the kiss and climb onto his lap. When you pull away to catch your breath, Zabdiel speaks what's on your mind.

"Do you want to help me out?" He breathes out. You smirk and bite your lip, nodding as you slowly begin to run your hands up his chest, under his shirt. He does the same to you and massages your breasts. You moan and move your hips against his. He doesn't waste any more time and your shirt is gone. He is quick to remove his shirt and shorts while you do the same. You're about to straddle his hips when he stops you. He doesn't speak but he maneuvers you so you're on all fours. He settles himself behind you, after making sure you were well prepared to take him again. Though it didn't take so long to prep you this time. And that's a good thing because you were impatient.

Zabdiel grips your hips and begins to gently push himself in. He's still taking his time pushing into you, though he makes minimal stops. You don't think you could ever get over how good he feels when he bottoms out inside you. You feel so full and the stretch is so amazing. You collapse face-first into the bed, ass in the air. He starts out slow, placing kisses along your back and leading up to your shoulder, where he sucks a dark hickey. He's barely started thrusting and you're already a moaning mess.

"Zabdiel, faster please," you breathe out. He doesn't hesitate this time, bucking his hips into you, making your eyes roll back and grip the bedsheets. Zabdiel looks up from your shoulder and sees the full body mirror you had bought a few weeks ago. With the position he had you in, he had a good view of himself dominating you. He lowered his head again to your shoulder but kept his eyes glued to the scene unfolding in the mirror. His eyes were dilated and dark. gracious view of his cock thrusting in and out of you, glistening for the split second he was visible.

He wraps a hand around your throat and moves your head so you're looking at yourself in the mirror. However, your eyes were closed from all the pleasure you were receiving and your head lulled back onto his shoulder. He makes a path of kisses that leads up to your ear, his grunts and groans almost coming out as growls. "Mírate en el espejo," he whispers.

It takes you a moment to comprehend what he said and you lift your head enough to look at the scene reflecting in the mirror. Your eyes widen slightly and focus on the gracious view of his cock thrusting in and out of you, glistening for the split second he was visible.

"Look how pretty you are nena," he whispers, locking eyes with you. "Look what I can do to you." He suddenly snaps his hips hard into yours, fully sheathing himself inside you and you scream as he reaches spots deep inside you. "Look how easily you fall apart for me. How well you submit to me. You like this, don't you? Seeing me dominate you until you all you can do is take it?" You barely process his words and any breath you have in your lungs is immediately knocked out by his powerful thrusts. You can only whimper and hope that this never ends.

You're riding on cloud nine and Zabdiel tells you to keep looking at yourself through the mirror. He takes his other hand that was on your hip and slides it to your clit, rubbing softly at first before he rushes to bring you to the edge. You're so far gone by now; if you die then and there, you'd die the happiest person alive. And that would be one hell of a way to leave this world.

You both are close, with you clenching hard around him and his rhythm was faltering. "Are you close?" You nod and he adjusts himself and continues to thrust and rub your clit. Finally, you can't hold back the inevitable, and the knot in your stomach snaps and you throw your head back and clench around him.

Zabdiel isn't far behind you. He wraps an arm around your front, placing a hand over your navel and moans when he can feel himself inside you. He lets you ride out your orgasm, sending him into an abyss of pleasure alongside you. You both stay in the position. He grabs your hand and places it where his was moments ago. Your eyes widen as you feel him twitching inside you.

You both stay wrapped up in each other's arms for a minute before he pulls out. You feel drained of any energy but you were thoroughly satisfied. Zabdiel gets up and helps you clean up before helping you under the covers and you both fall asleep again.

~~~

TAGLIST: @cnco-hoenesty @papichriscnco @cracraforfandoms @kmsmedine

#cnco #cnco smut #cnco zabdiel #zabdiel de jesus #zabdiel smut #zabdiel de jesus smut #enjoying my slow decent into hell #see you all there #the flames hurt but they feel good

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thorne93 · 4 years ago

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Upcoming...

Hey everyone!

Thank you so much for enjoying, liking, reblogging, and commenting on The Stars Made Us - there are several more chapters to this roller coaster ;D

Here are some updates for the blog!

Personal Update:

I have a few WIPs, but I’m very busy because I graduate college in a few weeks, I’m taking 16 credit hours, applying to grad school, and doing the GRE. So I have a lot going on, but I thought I’d update you lovelies!!!

(Super side note, that I think y’all will appreciate. I was standing in line at a restaurant the other day with my husband, and I have always said he’s like Peter Parker because he looks just like Tom Holland, he’s a photographer, he’s smart, he’s into technology, his parents didn’t raise him, and he helps to fight crime. This woman in line was talking to him for a second and said, “Hey you look like Peter Parker! You even move like him and talk like him, you have the same mannerisms.” I thought it was great, but it got better, when later she turned around to us in the line and said “Hey, Peter Parker, and MJ, do y’all come here often?” Now I def wanna cosplay Spidey and MJ (or possibly Gwen) for a con or Halloween, lol)

Stories to come out after The Stars Made Us:

Long Lost Love - Clint Barton x Reader

This takes place during the gap between IW and Endgame - A pretty angsty fic, that I think everyone will like.

History Repeats - Hayden Christensen x Reader

Hayden and you share in the ideal of misery loves company, but what happens when the misery in your life is caused by the company you keep?

Love Locked In - Stephen Strange x Reader

Being married to Stephen can be extremely trying, but lately, it’s too much for you, and you’re ready to leave him - for good.

(To be named) - Loki x Reader

This was inspired by Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift. This story will follow the lovers for a year, from the moment they meet until....

This is where it gets interesting - for the first time ever from me, YOU choose the ending. This story will have multiple alternative endings. At a point in the series, I will ask you to choose Loki’s choice, and you will get to see how it plays out. It will essentially look like this: Loki chooses to do X (which will link to one ending/series), or Loki chooses to do Y (which will link to an entirely separate ending/continuation of the stories). Even within the alternative endings, there will be choices to make.

I’m extremely excited for this, and I think all of you will enjoy it. As an FYI, I am still writing this.

(To Be named) - Henry Cavill x Reader, RDJ x Reader, Tom Hiddleston x OFC Friend

You are a celebrity photographer, working freelance as well as for big name magazines. Through your time with two of the most gorgeous and sweet men you’ve ever met, you end up falling for both - the bad thing is, they fall for you too at the same time. Your heart has to decide who it wants more... or does it? (This may be a poly, this may be a love triangle, but it definitely will not be a cheating fic - still a WIP).

(To be named) - Witcher Fic! Geralt x OFC Shannon, Jaskier x OFC Lexi

This fic is a collab between me and my bestie @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo. This concept is the idea that there is a new button out that allows people to press the button and the fictional character you choose comes to life in our world, in reality, and they love you and only you. You don’t have to fight for their attention or anything else. The button goes wrong though, sucking the OFCs into the Witcher world instead, where they deal with magic, fighting, love, loss, and fate. One caveat, is that it is up to the button owner to decide how the character shows affection for you -- i.e. maybe you don’t want romantic love from a character but platonic friend love, or you want them as your best friend, or you want them as a guardian/caregiver/godparent type figure - it is up to YOU. This fic is a WIP, but we’ve gotten quite a bit done and we are nearly finished.

Based on the following image:

-----------------

Tagging and The Stars Made Us

I’m apologize in advance if you asked to be tagged in The Stars Made Us (or possibly other stores). A lot of times, I queue up stories, and it’s a little time consuming to go back and retag - but I do try to make time for this. I sincerely apologize if you ask to be tagged in the next part and it takes me a bit to get to it. I will try as hard as I can to get you all added to the list when I can. Again, please refer to the note above that I have a lot on my plate right now.

Requests:

In case you ever want to know if I have gotten a request - I have. I do keep them, and I refer to them if I feel like I want to write something new. I try to write those. Don’t ever think I’m ignoring them. If it is an idea I don’t think I could do, or I’m not interested in, or don’t understand it, I will tell you, I will respond. I am working on these, slowly but surely. Hopefully after I graduate, I can dedicate some time to your interesting requests. I like them all (again, unless otherwise stated), and I do have them saved, just bear with me and be patient, please!!

THANK YOU!

Anyway, thank you to every one who has stuck around, thank you to everyone who is going through my masterlist, thank you to everyone who is new, thank you to everyone who is liking, reblogging, and commenting on any and all of my stories. You da real MVPs.

#updates #thank you all!#you're all amazing #requests #upcoming fics #loki #stephen strange #henry cavill #rdj #geralt #jaskier

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camwritesbooks · 7 years ago

Photo

It can be a daunting thing to create a new blog, especially a writeblr! Sharing your work is scary, and it’s especially hard when you feel like you don’t have the friends or following to back you up. Here are some of my best tips for creating and improving your writeblr. I’m not claiming to be an expert - I’ve only had this blog for two months, but these are just some of things I know I look for in a writeblr to follow and the things that I know worked for me!

Try to make your blog neat, easy to navigate and attractive to look at. This might sound like a strange thing to put first but the accessibility and aesthetic of your blog is the first thing people will notice. So, let’s start off at the very beginning, the first steps in the creation of your writeblr!

Firstly, your url, avatar, header, blog colours and text. I would highly recommend that your url contains words relating to books, writing, etc. This will make it easy for people to recognise you as a writeblr/booklr and makes them more likely to click on your url to look at your blog! Now, onto your appearance settings. Your avatar, header and blog colours should look nice together! Perhaps find yourself a nice colour pallet that fits your aesthetic and stick to it for all the different aspects of your blog. Remember you can use gifs for headers too!

Think about your blog theme. Your theme should be, above all, easy to navigate. Make sure your links are obvious and that it’s simple for people to find your WIP pages! Don’t use a font under size 10 and easy to see in terms of colour otherwise too hard to read. The theme I personally use comes from this creator, I would recommend checking them out, they make great themes! Just look for a theme with a lot of navigation options and makes it easy to see the posts as well. You can of course change your blog theme at any time! Check how your theme looks on other browsers too, if you can. It’s also a good idea to ask a friend to make sure everything’s easy to find and view.

Create pages for your WIPs, characters and world. This is so important! If someone’s looking to learn more about your WIP or the characters in it, it is great to have pages on your blog specifically about them. On a character page include lots of details and pictures too! You can also make pages for the countries, magic system, etc., whatever you think will be good for your followers to read. It’s also a good idea to link these pages in a post or something so everyone knows they’re there! (Link all subpages on your WIP pages too). Be sure that these pages are easily found on your blog, and continue to update them as you plan your WIP.

Post a variety of content each day and be original in your posts. Because, after how your blog looks, your posts are the other thing people will notice first. They are, of course, the point of your blog. And even though blog appearance is an attractor, it’s your posts that make people choose to follow.

Posting often is important! You need to keep a presence on your followers’ dashes and show that you are dedicated to your blog. However, do not spam! I’d say at a maximum, 15ish posts a day. People will unfollow you if you post too much too often, even if they like your content.

Your posts should be a mixture of reblogs from others and your own original posts. I would suggest you split somewhere around 50/50 reblogs:original. As for your original posts, I have a few pieces of advice. Don’t make lengthy, detailed posts when your first start off (I am guilty of this). Many people won’t bother to read all of it. Go with short quips and jokes instead, even if they don’t get many notes they are an engaging introduction to your WIP. And it should go without saying, but don’t copy other people. Yes, you can make the same old posts about how hard writing is with an expressive gif and you’ll get the notes, but you won’t get a loyal following of people who are interested in your WIP!

Interact with other writeblrs and members of the community. Making friends is hard, I know. It’s scary to interact with others for the first time. But people are more open than you realise, and if they seem like they’re not they may just be anxious and shy. Don’t freak out if someone doesn’t respond to you right away, it doesn’t mean you’re not cool enough or that no one wants to be friends with you, I promise.

Reblog people’s original posts, tag people in tag games and add your replies to discussion posts. This is just the simple, everyday way of interacting with people on tumblr. Show interest in other people’s WIPs and send asks and replies to others. Put in your intro post and about page that you’re open to being tagged in tag games (if you are, of course). If someone reblogs an ask game, send them a few numbers! Do it off anon! (I know it’s scary! But just try!). On a daily basis, just do your best to interact with other people’s blogs and posts!

Join groups for writers to create connections and get help with your writing. Thanks to the internet, there are some really great ways to join writing groups. My Number One Suggestion is to join @writeblrconnections ! On this blog you can find a template to submit a profile. You’ll be added to their writeblr database where other people can find you (and where of course you can see everyone else!). You can also join their Slack community (like a Discord server) where you can participate in write-ins and other activities. You can also look around for other Discord groups for writers, and try to take part in NaNoWriMo and Camp NaNo if you can! These are great ways to get in touch with other writeblrs and reach your word-count goals!

Be nice. I feel like this sounds like kind of a weird one? But seriously, be kind and polite to others! Even if you have a sort of snarky persona, on a base level try to be a nice person. If someone seems to be having a hard time, send them a supportive message. Reassure people, show that you care! If someone posts some of their original work, tell them how much you liked it! Tell them how much you like their characters, or how much you enjoyed a particular scene. Do your best to say nice things to people whenever you get a chance. It will improve your happiness too!

But perhaps most importantly, be kind to yourself. Nothing good comes from treating yourself badly or thinking poorly of yourself. Constant self-deprecation for any reason (that your writing’s not good enough, that you’re not getting enough notes, etc.) won’t help. This coming from someone who is easily convinced of their own failure and always goes to thinks the worst things about themselves - do not degrade yourself. You are better than you know.

No one starts off at the top. You think other people’s writeblrs started getting thousands of notes in a day? It takes people months, if not years, to reach that point. Your first posts may only get a few notes. They may not get any. But does not matter? It might seem like it does, but I swear to you it doesn’t. Never be disheartened by the number of notes, asks or followers you’re getting. Being unkind to yourself about those little things something you should never do.

Real writers write when it suits them. It doesn’t get circulated around that often, but I do still sometimes see the claim that “Real writers write every day.” Nope, not true. There are no rules to being a “real writer”. In the past fifteen days of Camp NaNo, I have written a grand total of 2,000 words. That is less than 150 words per day. And that’s me trying my absolute hardest to get some words down. Most days at the moment I’m not writing anything! But that’s okay. I put myself first and write when I have the energy and the inspiration, and I think that’s a pretty solid rule.

I hope you found this interesting and useful! Thank you so much for reading. Reblogs are really appreciated! In the meantime, feel free to check out the other links below :)

If you liked this post, feel free to request any other tips or resources!

Pinterest -- NaNoWriMo

#writeblr #writeblr advice #writing advice #starting a writeblr #long post #my advice #oof this ended up long #still I'm pretty proud of it!!#by the way this is probably filled with mistakes im sorry i cant write #formatting is messed up on mobile btw #also maybe read it on browser if you can

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awakandangoddess · 6 years ago

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Kissing in the Rain

Imagine (14)

This is dedicated to @tcherik-imagines since they reblogged under this imagine that it was a need. I hope you like it!

Warning: contains two men in a relationship and to note, Erik and T’Challa will not be cousins in this short.

Enjoy!

Music blasting, people dancing, drinks flowing, and chatter filling the room. All the signs of a party, although it wasn’t just any party, it was a New Year's Eve party. And there were twenty-five minutes left until everyone rung in the new year. At the party, everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone except for Erik Stevens.

Erik was not really a party person. He was only there because his co-worker and friend, Linda, dragged him there thanks to her begging and pleading him to go until he said yes.

This annual party was hosted in the home of his boss, Tony Stark, who really always threw parties as an excuse to have a lot of fun and get drunk in front everyone with no shame. And if it was a holiday party, he definitely was going to let loose.

Erik was currently sitting on the stairs, away from the crowd with a glass of champagne in his hand, looking at all of his co-workers mingle with one another. Jumpin' Jumpin' by Destiny's Child was playing at the moment as some people were dancing, some were drinking, and Tony was drunk as could be while entertaining his guests.

While he was alone, he took some time to look at the decor of Tony’s Malibu mansion. One thing about Tony, he liked the colors white, black, bright red, and gold. The bright crystal chandelier illuminated the room, the red couches decorated with black and gold pillows were occupied, the walls were painted white with photographs hung on them, and then there was the dance floor that was in a separate room where most of dancing took place. Tony’s backyard was a beach that lead straight to the ocean that could be overlooked from the gigantic patio.

Still scanning the crowd, Erik sees Linda chatting it up with another one of their co-workers, Sam Wilson.

They’ve had a crush on each other for a minute and it was obvious to everyone. Despite them both denying that they don’t like each other in that fashion, their feelings and actions say otherwise.

Erik’s eyes then come across someone else. He had chocolate-colored skin, stood at six feet tall like himself, his hair made of black curls, and always wore African attire.

From what Erik knows his name is T’Challa, who’s from a country named Wakanda. This is not the first time Erik has noticed him. He's seen him plenty of times around Stark Enterprises and always thought he was fine. However, he’s only talked to him once and that was only in passing when a quiet 'hi' came out of him.

Erik can’t help but to keep staring at T’Challa. He’s currently conversing with Natasha Romanov, Tony’s assistant. She has on a beautiful red dress as they’re both smiling, laughing it up, and she puts her hand on his shoulder rubbing it slightly before removing it. From Erik's perspective there’s a persona T'Challa puts on in front of her. Otherwise his body language looks as if he’s ready to get away from her and move to another part of the room. But he's just trying to be a gentleman and hear her speak. Erik's heard the rumors about how Natasha has a crush on T’Challa and will do anything to be with him, only for T'Challa to deny her because she’s ‘not his type’.

“Hey, Erik,” Linda calls as she walks up to stand in front of him. “Are you alright? You’re just sitting here being a recluse.”

“I'm okay, Linda, and I have the right to be. I told you I didn’t want to come to this damn party,” he says taking a sip of his drink.

“Well while you’re here can you be at least a little bit social?” she pleads.

“Yeah, I’ll be social,” he replies standing up taking one more sip of his drink before setting it down on one of the trays that are being carried around by waiters. “Outside. I’ll be out there for a bit if you need me.” He walks around Linda, down the stairs through the crowd, and straight out the front door, closing it behind him.

Erik sits down on a white painted bench located on the porch. While he's outside the smell of ocean water hits his nostrils and the sound of the waves vibrate in his ears. He doesn’t mind it, if anything he needs the aroma and the sound to calm him down. He also notices how beautiful it is out here, despite the clouds in the sky, and the cool Malibu air brushing over his skin.

Erik considers calling a Lyft to drive him home since he came with Linda until he hears the front door close and feels a presence sit next to him. He was expecting it to be Linda to convince him to be social again, until he looks over and sees someone he wasn't expecting.

“Ah, it’s nice out here isn’t it?” T’Challa asks him trying to make conversation.

It takes a few seconds for Erik to register that the same person he had his eyes on earlier is sitting next to him before answering his question.

“Yeah it is. Although it looks like it’s about to rain,” he responds. "but I don't mind it though."

“I don't either. You know I really like the rain,” says T’Challa. “There’s something calming about rainy days.”

“Yeah, I like rainy days too.” Erik doesn't know exactly what caused T'Challa to start talking about the weather, but he'll take this over staring at T'Challa for long periods of time anyday.

“I’ve seen you around, but I’ve never gotten your name.”

"The name's Erik. You?”

“I'm T’Challa,” he replies. Even though Erik already knew, he didn't want to sound like he was stalking the man.

“So I’m guessing you’re not really a party person,” T'Challa states.

Erik laughs. “What figures?”

“I did see you sitting by yourself on the stairs until your friend came up to you. Then I saw you come out here alone and figured I come talk to you. I was hoping you haven't left.”

“Well as you can see I'm still here," he laughs. "But what made you wanna come talk to me? How you know I didn’t wanna be alone?”

T’Challa shrugs his shoulders. “It was worth a shot. Plus, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while so I figured this was my chance." Hearing these words come from T'Challa makes Erik feel some way inside. It shows that maybe his feelings are not one-sided between the two.

"And may I add while I was talking to Natasha, I noticed you looking at me so I figured I had to talk to you before the night was over.” Erik blushes as he heard that. He didn’t mean to make it obvious, but at least something good came out if it. “But it's okay, from you I take it as a compliment."

"Hey as long as you didn't find it creepy I'm good."

"No, not at all," he responds. "Although while we are sitting here, I was thinking we should go out sometime.”

Erik perks up at the words we should go out sometime. He can’t believe that he’s only been talking to T’Challa for less than ten minutes and he’s already talking about going out.

“Woah, are you asking me out on a date?” Erik asks. "I know I was staring and all, but how you know I wasn't plotting to kill you?"

T'Challa laughs. "You're funny, Erik. But no, not as a date. Since we barely know each other it can be more of a casual outing. If that's okay with you."

Erik thinks about it for a moment. Despite him working with the man, he hardly knows him and this is the longest amount of time he’s talked to him. However, he's been eyeing the man since they first started working together and he wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity.

“T’Challa, I'd like to go out with you sometime.”

A smile forms on T’Challa’s face that Erik would call a drop-dead smile. Before T’Challa can speak another word the beginning of Purple Rain by Prince can be heard playing from outside.

“Oh, I love this song,” says Erik getting hype. He looks back at T’Challa and his mood calms quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

“It’s okay, Erik. Would you like to dance?” he asks holding out his hand.

“We can, but can we stay out here? I don’t feel like going back inside.”

“Whatever you like. I really don’t prefer to go back inside either.” Erik lets out a low laugh as he grabs T’Challa’s hand. With T'Challa leading Erik to stand up, they both slow dance right there in front of the bench. T’Challa sets his hands on Erik’s waist as Erik wraps his arms around T’Challa’s neck.

“You know you can wrap your arms around me,” says Erik. “I don’t care.” Soon as he says that, T’Challa completely covers Erik’s waist with his arms. Two minutes into the dance, Erik lays his head on T'Challa's shoulder. He thought T'Challa would mind it at first, but he hasn't said anything so he keeps it there.

Erik doesn't exactly know what it is about T'Challa, but he feels as if he can be free around him without any judgment. And he hasn't even known him that long. He can free with Linda too, but sometimes she can be more like his mother than his friend.

Another minute in, he feels a drop of water land on his shoulders. A few more come down and pretty soon it’s raining. The rain is not heavy at all, instead it’s light and soothing. And it doesn’t stop them, they continue to dance like nothing’s happening.

“You rather stay out here literally in the rain ?” asks T’Challa.

“You’re not moving and neither am I. We both like the rain, right? And Purple Rain is playing, so why not?” T’Challa doesn’t say anything else as they keep dancing with Erik singing some of the lyrics.

They don’t realize what time it is until they hear the party cheering and counting down from twenty. The two stop dancing as Erik checks his phone right quick to physically see that they do have less than a minute until the new year comes in.

“So, T'Challa, you ever had new year’s kiss?” Erik asks as they start dancing again.

“No, I haven’t. Have you?”

“Nope,” Erik cheeses.

"Well, I say we make this count." The countdown reaches ten as they both look each other in the eyes with smiles on their faces. They start moving in closer to each other on five, with the guitar solo starting. And on one, their eyes close and their lips connect.

The new year is here as the solo is still playing. Sounds of cheering can be heard from the inside, but Erik and T’Challa are lost in a world of their own.

They pull away after a few more seconds and both realize it's not only the start of a new year, but something new between them as well.

“Happy New Year, T’Challa.”

“Happy New Year, Erik," he responds before they reconnect their lips with Purple Rain and the rain itself making the moment feel just right.

Credits/Notes:

Gifs are not mine. I am aware that Tony Stark/Iron Man lives in NYC, however I am sure we all know that some scenes from the first two Iron Man movies were filmed in Malibu so that’s why I chose that location for the party.

I hope y’all enjoyed it!

@tcherik-imagines hope you liked this!!

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thawedwonder · 6 years ago

Text

Personality Type

RULES: REPOST, DO NOT REBLOG. Do the test | here |.

Personality type: “The Entertainer” (ESFP-A)

79% Extraverted – Introverted 21% 42% Intuitive – Observant 58% 46% Thinking – Feeling 54% 19% Judging – Prospecting 81% 63% Assertive – Turbulent 37%

Role: Explorer Strategy: People Mastery

ENTERTAINER PERSONALITY (ESFP, -A/-T)

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you surely don’t deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

If anyone is to be found spontaneously breaking into song and dance, it is the Entertainer personality type. Entertainers get caught up in the excitement of the moment, and want everyone else to feel that way, too. No other personality type is as generous with their time and energy as Entertainers when it comes to encouraging others, and no other personality type does it with such irresistible style.

We Are All of Us Stars...

Entertainers love the spotlight, and all the world’s a stage. Many famous people with the Entertainer personality type are indeed actors, but they love putting on a show for their friends too, chatting with a unique and earthy wit, soaking up attention and making every outing feel a bit like a party. Utterly social, Entertainers enjoy the simplest things, and there’s no greater joy for them than just having fun with a good group of friends.

It’s not just talk either – Entertainers have the strongest aesthetic sense of any personality type. From grooming and outfits to a well-appointed home, Entertainer personalities have an eye for fashion. Knowing what’s attractive the moment they see it, Entertainers aren’t afraid to change their surroundings to reflect their personal style. Entertainers are naturally curious, exploring new designs and styles with ease.

Though it may not always seem like it, Entertainers know that it’s not all about them – they are observant, and very sensitive to others’ emotions. People with this personality type are often the first to help someone talk out a challenging problem, happily providing emotional support and practical advice. However, if the problem is about them, Entertainers are more likely to avoid a conflict altogether than to address it head-on. Entertainers usually love a little drama and passion, but not so much when they are the focus of the criticisms it can bring.

...And We Deserve to Twinkle

The biggest challenge Entertainers face is that they are often so focused on immediate pleasures that they neglect the duties and responsibilities that make those luxuries possible. Complex analysis, repetitive tasks, and matching statistics to real consequences are not easy activities for Entertainers. They’d rather rely on luck or opportunity, or simply ask for help from their extensive circle of friends. It is important for Entertainers to challenge themselves to keep track of long-term things like their retirement plans or sugar intake – there won’t always be someone else around who can help to keep an eye on these things.

Entertainers recognize value and quality, which on its own is a fine trait. In combination with their tendency to be poor planners though, this can cause them to live beyond their means, and credit cards are especially dangerous. More focused on leaping at opportunities than in planning out long-term goals, Entertainers may find that their inattentiveness has made some activities unaffordable.

There’s nothing that makes Entertainers feel quite as unhappy as realizing that they are boxed in by circumstance, unable to join their friends.

Entertainers are welcome wherever there’s a need for laughter, playfulness, and a volunteer to try something new and fun – and there’s no greater joy for Entertainer personalities than to bring everyone else along for the ride. Entertainers can chat for hours, sometimes about anything but the topic they meant to talk about, and share their loved ones’ emotions through good times and bad. If they can just remember to keep their ducks in a row, they’ll always be ready to dive into all the new and exciting things the world has to offer, friends in tow.

Entertainer Strengths

Bold – Entertainers aren’t known for holding back. Wanting to experience everything there is to experience, people with the Entertainer personality type don’t mind stepping out of their comfort zones when no one else is willing.

Original – Traditions and expectations are secondary to Entertainers, if a consideration at all. Entertainer personalities love to experiment with new styles, and constantly find new ways to stick out in the crowd.

Aesthetics and Showmanship – Not stopping at mere outfits, Entertainers inject artistic creativity into their words and actions, too. Every day is a performance, and Entertainers love to put on a show.

Practical – To Entertainers, the world is meant to be felt and experienced. Truth is stranger than fiction, and Entertainers prefer to see and do than to wax philosophical about “what-ifs”.

Observant – With all this focus on the here and now, on doing and acting, it makes sense that Entertainers are naturals when it comes to noticing real, tangible things and changes.

Excellent People Skills – More so than things though, Entertainers love to pay attention to people. They are talkative, witty, and almost never run out of things to discuss. For people with this personality type, happiness and satisfaction stem from the time they spend with the people they enjoy being with.

Entertainer Weaknesses

Sensitive – Entertainers (especially Turbulent ones) are strongly emotional, and very vulnerable to criticism – they can feel like they’ve been backed into a corner, sometimes reacting badly. This is probably Entertainers’ greatest weakness, because it makes it so hard to address any other weaknesses brought to light.

Conflict-Averse – Entertainers sometimes ignore and avoid conflict entirely. They tend to say and do what’s needed to get out of such situations, then move on to something more fun.

Easily Bored – Without constant excitement, Entertainers find ways to create it themselves. Risky behavior, self-indulgence, and the pleasures of the moment over long-term plans are all things Entertainers get into a little too often.

Poor Long-Term Planners – In fact, Entertainer personalities rarely make detailed plans for the future. To them, things come as they come, and they rarely bother with taking the time to lay out steps and consequences, with the belief that they could change at any moment – even with things that can be planned.

Unfocused – Anything that requires long-term dedication and focus is a particular challenge for Entertainers. In academics, dense, unchanging subjects like Classic Literature are much more difficult than more dynamic, relatable subjects like psychology. The trick for Entertainers is to find day-to-day joy in broader goals, and to tough it out with those tedious things that must be done.

ENTERTAINER RELATIONSHIPS

Entertainers are social, fun-loving, free-spirited people who live life in the moment and squeeze every little bit of excitement from everything. Naturally, they don’t spare any of this freshness and energy when dating. For people with the Entertainer personality type, relationships aren’t about slowly building foundations for the future, or planning out a life – they are bubbling, unpredictable things to be enjoyed for as long as there’s enjoyment to be had.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Of course, when that enjoyment does burn out, it’s gone. Entertainers reevaluate their situations and commitments constantly, regardless of professions of love and dedication today. If a week later they just don’t feel the same, that’s it, and Entertainer personalities have no problem seriously considering breaking things off. While Entertainers can be willing to work on their relationships rather than swap them out, it takes a great deal of maturity and experience for them to realize that it can be worth the bother.

While they do last though, relationships with Entertainers are simply unforgettable. People with this personality type always have some new and exciting activity up their sleeves, and they genuinely enjoy spending each moment with their partners. Entertainers enjoy physical intimacy immensely, and they prove themselves affectionate, inquisitive, and open-minded lovers who love to share pleasure with willing and reciprocative partners.

Conversation with Entertainers is similar, focusing on fun, sometimes quirky subjects rather than deep, soul-searching expressions. The past and the future, the sciences and politics, and long-term plans and commitments are all routinely ignored by Entertainer personalities. They slow things down and add too much weight to Entertainers’ freewheeling style.

Entertainers happily chat about just about anything or anyone that comes to mind, but won’t have a topic forced.

Highly emotional people, and sensitive, Entertainers respond poorly to outside “suggestions” on how to manage their love lives. They respond even worse if criticisms come from their partners, and trying to take emotions out of the picture by telling Entertainers to “not take this personally” isn’t helpful either. Handling these situations better is a definite area for improvement for Entertainers, as there are entire dating strategies (pretty distasteful, manipulative ones) that revolve around exploiting this very trait.

On the other hand, the issue can be a lack of criticism at all. Entertainers value social input a lot, and are almost as affected by their friends’ opinions of their dating partners as their own. Since Entertainers are attracted to people who share their attitudes, whether dating partners or friends, this can leave them in an echo chamber that only tells them what they want to hear, reinforcing immature behaviors.

Just Trying to Find Somebody to Love

All of these tendencies can really come back to haunt people with the Entertainer personality type later on. Entertainers’ tendency to avoid promises and commitments and jump from partner to partner sabotages necessary long-term goals like retirement planning. Building real relationships takes time and conscious effort.

Luckily, Entertainers are incredibly likeable people who enjoy life’s small pleasures, and hardly want for diversity in their partners. Enthusiastic and affectionate, with a pure and down-to-earth love that just takes things at face value, Entertainers are fortunate that they take the time to find someone they truly enjoy being with every day, rather than settling too soon for stability over happiness, only to lose both.

ENTERTAINER FRIENDS

Entertainers are known for their irrepressibly social and excited attitudes. They don’t internalize much of anything, sharing it all with their extensive circles of friends with wit, style, enthusiasm, and optimism. Entertainers are explorers of the pleasures of life, and they take particular pleasure in sharing those experiences with others. For Entertainers, there’s no point in living if you can’t feel alive.

Better Be Totally Ridiculous Than Totally Boring

Entertainers are people of action. Getting out with activities that engage all five senses is Entertainer personalities’ idea of a good time. Sometimes though, Entertainers may go too far with risky or careless behaviors, and try to bring others along for the ride. People with this personality type are sensitive, and rejecting these pastimes can be taken personally, ending friendships then and there. Entertainers don’t have time to be lectured.

Making new friends isn’t a problem for Entertainers though – they use an alluring combination of blunt truths and disarming openness and charm to keep things moving. Where Entertainer personalities falter is in keeping the friends they already have. In their excitement and focus on here and now over history, Entertainers too easily exhaust the adventure one person has to offer, moving on once one person’s novelty has worn off.

This can all give the impression that Entertainers are shallow, pleasure-centric creatures who care little for anyone but themselves. This is a terrible misunderstanding, and far from the truth, but nevertheless makes friendships with Intuitive (N) personality types challenging. Entertainers care sincerely about their friends – it’s why they put so much effort into coming up with group experiences they believe everyone will enjoy – and they are deeply distressed by the occasional conflicts that end these relationships.

As they grow and mature, Entertainers respect different personality types and approaches more and more.

Novelty is king for people with the Entertainer personality type, and there’s only so much diversity among fellow Explorer types. Entertainers love touching on intellectual and philosophical subjects, and they seek out a diversity of personality types and perspectives to keep among their friends. But as these friends grind into the details of some esoteric topic about the long-term consequences of faltering European economic output, Entertainers inevitably find their minds wandering, hoping for someone to rush up and say “Guess what just happened!”

ENTERTAINER PARENTS

Entertainers are some of the most relaxed, fun-loving parents out there. Playing with children is a genuine pleasure for them, and people with the Entertainer personality type constantly devise new and exciting ways to enjoy their time with their children. From the first moment they hold their babies, Entertainers are taken with the joy and wonder that their children experience in everything around them, and share and encourage it as much as possible.

They Who Are Brave Are Free

Exploration and experiences are key philosophies for Entertainer parents – when their children ask questions, the answer is “Let’s find out!” Overbearing structures and tightly scheduled activities aren’t a big part of Entertainer personalities’ parenting. They’d much rather take things day by day and break up the crust by letting their children explore something new in their own way, something much appreciated by Entertainers’ children.

Of course, this doesn’t mean there aren’t any rules – Entertainers were young once, too!

Discipline is far from their strongest suit, but hindsight and maturity have their effects, and Entertainers are often keen to prevent their children from suffering the same hurts and setbacks they themselves experienced. People with the Entertainer personality type are quite sensitive themselves, and expect their children to be respectful and considerate with what rules there are, a point of contention through the teenage years.

Entertainers always keep up their end of the bargain though, providing plenty of emotional support. While not especially demanding parents, warm affection and a sense of practicality give Entertainer personalities a very nurturing and encouraging parenting style, filling the gap nicely. When their children declare themselves future astronauts, Entertainers happily build make-believe spaceships, and later use those declarations to help their children focus on their schoolwork and goals. After all, successful astronauts need to know their math!

#roriinfo

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destinationtoast · 7 years ago

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Some notes on my fandom stats.

I sometimes get questions or criticism regarding my fandom stats. (I welcome both.) Sometimes critics have missed something that I clearly stated in the post, but often, criticism indicates that I could be doing a better job explaining something. So this is an attempt to explain what fandom data can and can’t show, where I’m personally coming from, and what I’m intending my analyses to do.

This is a v1 attempt -- please give feedback about where I can further clarify! I'll be continuing to revise and update based on responses, so please click through to the original post.

The most common critiques I get fall into a few broad categories:

Incorrect or misleading. Some of my methods/stats/visualizations are wrong, misleading, or don’t match up with someone’s personal experience. (See “My goals,” “The limitations of my ability to issue corrections,” and “How you can help with limitations in existing analyses”)

Wrong focus. I don’t do enough stats about some important topics -- e.g., race. (See “The limitations of my methods” and “How you can help with limitations in existing analyses”)

Not representative. I’m overgeneralizing about fandom and misrepresenting fans by only looking at certain fanworks or by failing to give important context. (See “The limitations of focusing primarily on AO3”)

Overly authoritative. I’m speaking as an authority on fandom and acting as if my stats are The Truth. (See “My goals” and “What fandom stats can and can’t tell us”)

Agenda-driven. I’m using stats to try to justify fandom practices that some people disagree with, such as creating fanworks primarily about men or white characters -- or else I’m using stats to harangue fans into behaving differently, e.g. leaving more comments on fic. (See “The Toast agenda”)

I’ll try to explain where I’m coming from and address some of the most common criticisms here, but if you have more questions or concerns, please pass them along.

My goals

My fandom analysis posts are intended as fanworks -- by a fan, for other fans. Meaning that:

I’m assuming the audience has personal experience in fandom and goodwill toward fans.

While I sometimes have beta readers, these are imperfect works, put together in my spare time.

These are shared out of love for fandom and other fans, and because I think other fans will be interested, rather than to further my career.

As some possibly useful context, I didn’t even mean to end up making a bunch of fandom stats posts in the first place. But when I was curious about fanworks and made a few graphs mostly for myself, other fans turned out to be really interested. So I’ve kept on sharing what I’ve learned as I’ve continued to be curious. And I started a dedicated stats sideblog because some fans who aren't interested in the other content on my main blog asked me to.

I do the best I can to be accurate and clear in my fandom stats posts. But I sometimes make errors in analysis, gather unrepresentative data, fail to give context, present something unclearly, etc. I really appreciate feedback from people who want to engage in thoughtful critique or ask questions when they spot issues with my work. It’s my goal to always update & correct/clarify my posts as I continue to learn more.

I don’t have plans to publish any of my work for a broader audience, or an academic audience. I have a separate career that doesn’t have to do with fan studies, and I do this for fun in my spare time… I think trying to rewrite for a different audience and publish things via official channels would sap a lot of my desire to do it. When I’ve shared things at cons, they’ve been fan conventions, not academic conferences, and I’ve been there because fans expressed interest in hearing me talk about some of my stuff.

(Note: this doesn’t mean I don’t think fandom analysis can be worth publishing, or worth having a career in! And I’m happy to share data and methodology with academics or other interested parties, and to have them redo the analyses/do similar analyses & present the results to other audiences.)

It’s possible I sometimes sound like I’m writing/speaking as An Authority On Fandom, but that’s not my intent. In fact, in fandom I rarely feel like an expert -- because I haven’t actually been active in the online fannish community for all that long, and I only have personal experience with a pretty narrow range of fandoms, fannish platforms, and fannish experiences. I strongly value hearing the experiences and opinions of other fans.

The limitations of my methods

I tend to do analyses of fanworks only, and I analyze aggregate metadata (e.g., number of uses of tags) about large amounts of fanworks at once (thousands or millions of works). That means I’m not looking at any individual works. Those are good techniques for answering questions like:

Which ratings are most common on AO3?

Which are the most common fandoms, characters, or ships?

How has that changed over time?

How many kudos do different AO3 tags get?

What are the most popular genres on Fanfiction.net?

Sometimes I also compare data between archives (AO3, FFN, Wattpad), or look at fandom tagging activity on sites like Tumblr or DeviantART. And occasionally I get access to a bunch of data taken from a site like IMDB and incorporate that, as well.

These methods/data sets have limitations:

I haven’t hand-categorized the data. There may be errors.

I’m relying on other people to tell me what’s in their fanworks, so anything that’s not in the tags, my methods don’t catch.

Different people sometimes use the same tags differently, and I usually can’t detect that, either. I assume that this usually just adds noise to my large data sets, but I also try to think about any systematic biases that might be introduced and to highlight them in my writeups.

I can’t add new information, like a character’s race, country of origin, canonical (a)sexuality when known, etc. Neither AO3 nor FFN specify these attributes (although fans can and do sometimes create tags like “Canon Character of Color” or “Canon Asexual Character,” so to the extent that fans widely use these tags, I can do analyses). I would really love to have data about race and other factors not in the tags; if you have ideas how to get it, I'd be grateful.

I can’t answer anything about the creators of the fanworks (e.g., demographics).

These are the methods that I am personally best equipped to do (in terms of tools, skills, experience). I’ve enjoyed learning some new methods as part of doing these posts, but I’m definitely not good at everything. So when my methods can’t provide the right data for someone’s question, it doesn’t mean the question is unanswerable, but I might not be the best person to answer the question. See “How you can help with limitations in existing analyses” for more information.

The limitations of focusing mostly on AO3

I use AO3 a lot because:

it has the most flexible and best organized tagging system

it's easiest to search, sort, and filter

it already gives you a bunch of stats in the Sort & Filter sidebar, whenever you select a particular tag or combination of tags

I have now written a bunch of scripts to help me quickly get data from AO3

I have the best intuitions about AO3, because I use it the most, so I can do a better job catching errors in my work there

That doesn’t mean I think AO3 contains all fanworks or is representative of all fandom/fanworks. It’s only one home of many for fanworks, and it’s got a lot of unusual characteristics. For instance, because it was founded to provide a home to works that were considered sensitive or banned on other archives (explicit works, RPF, slash, etc.), it tends to have more of these kinds of works than many archives. Initially, I didn’t tend to point this out and overgeneralized about fanworks from AO3. These days I try to point out the limitations in generalizing. (Though I do still find it interesting to learn about AO3 as an archive!)

The limitations of my ability to issue corrections

One good aspect of Tumblr is the way that it can reach broad audiences beyond one’s immediate followers. However, the same easy reblogging that leads to this broad circulation comes with frustrations. Even if I update the original post with corrections or clarifications, the old version of the post often continues to circulate. Another difficulty is that not everyone sees the same conversation thread, so I often end up responding to the same concerns from a whole bunch of different people who aren’t seeing my response to others in different reblog branches.

There’s not that much to be done about this, but readers might want to keep in mind that what they see cross their dash is often not the latest version. You can usually find my latest updates by clicking through to the original post.

How you can help with limitations in existing analyses

I wish I could do more stats about understudied topics like race in fanworks using my methods, and I wish others were studying these topics more, too. Fortunately, my methods are not the only methods, and I am not the only one doing analyses. As one great example, if you are interested in how race factors into fandom demographics or into shipping, I strongly recommend @centrumlumina . They’ve done a demographics survey of 10K AO3 users and annual stats about the most common ships on AO3 (with hand-categorization of race).

There are many other great fandom stats folks as well (I’ve amassed an incomplete list). If none of us have answered the questions you are interested in, I encourage you to try to answer questions yourself! A lot of what I do is not actually very complicated (seriously, a lot of it is just doing a search on AO3 and writing down the number of results, or clicking on a tag and writing down the number of results) -- and there are some fan-made tools to help.

As one starting point, I recommend taking a look at the tools at fandomstats.org. I collaborated with @annathecrow and @esgibter to help fans do some types of quick stats -- right now only on AO3, but we welcome help broadening that! I’ve also written some tutorials on gathering data, and as part of my fandom stats posts I generally share my raw data, which you are free to use to dig into my work further/continue the effort.

Time permitting, I am also happy to answer questions and help you brainstorm how to do your own analyses.

What fandom stats can and can’t tell us

I don't think my fandom stats tell deep truths about fandom. They can provide some insights into some aspects of fanworks: what kinds of fanworks exist on different platforms; how fans are using metadata (tags, etc.); how reader/consumer response to fanworks; etc. But trying to figure out what exactly that data means, and why fans are producing/consuming the things they are, is beyond the scope of the numbers. So is determining the direction of cause and effect between variables that seem related (and ascertaining whether there are hidden underlying causes).

It’s additionally important to keep in mind that the results of fandom stats depend on the questions asked and the types of analyses done. There isn't any one right way to analyze data (there are sometimes bad ways to do it, but often several good ways). Different ways of looking at data tell you different things. Even a good analyst can only see part of the story, depending on what they think to ask, and how. My goals are to clearly explain my thought processes and methods in gathering data, doing analyses, and presenting the results -- in large part so other people can spot potential issues with my assumptions and methods. I always welcome suggestions for follow up work or clarifications, when people think there is more to the story.

A final point: I don’t ascribe any moral judgments to my fandom stats -- that is, I don't intend to imply any opinions about whether fans are doing good or bad things. You can form your own opinions from the numbers, or use them to support arguments. But I try to keep any opinions or judgments out of my stats posts (though I may sometimes share them in other meta).

The Toast agenda

I’m not setting out to prove anything when I do an analysis -- I’m motivated by curiosity (or sometimes a desire to help other fans answer questions or find rarer fanworks). I’m also never setting out to justify (or argue against) any fan behaviors. As I said above, I don’t think fandom stats data can answer questions like “Is it right/good for fans to do [X]?”

A few of my personal tenets regarding data and its role in discourse:

The answer to almost every interesting question about fandom (or any complex system) is “It’s complicated/nuanced, and the answer depends on the details of how you ask the question.” I try to explain my starting assumptions and to map out some of the complexity of the data, where I can. There’s always more to the story, though.

There are many reasons that groups of people do things. We shouldn’t ever look for just one reason. I don’t like questions like, “Is there so much fanfic written about white cis men because of bias in media or bias in fandom?” -- I don’t think it’s an either/or, nor are those the only possible factors. My own data gathering is not an attempt to support either side of such arguments.

For example, there are strong systemic biases in my society (US) based on race, gender, sexuality, class, size, ability, and other factors. This leads to, among other things, a lack of balanced representation in media, and a tendency to privilege certain kinds of storytelling narratives over others. Both media creators and fan creators (and fan consumers) exist in this same stew of biases, and we're all affected by them. This makes it unlikely that only one of these groups is responsible for phenomena like lack of representation in fanworks.

Data is good food for thought and discussion fodder, but can't tell us what to do.

It’s also the case that I have opinions about lots of things. Nobody is truly impartial. When I set out to gather data and test hypotheses, I try not to let my own beliefs or assumptions bias my conclusions, and I am often surprised by what I find in the data -- but it’s unavoidable that my own worldview influences the questions I think to ask and other factors in the analyses I do.

A few facts that may affect my methods, assumptions, and blind spots:

I’m white.

I’m a cis woman.

I’m queer, and I have identified as queer/bisexual for my entire adult life (~20 years).

I’m poly, and I have been in poly relationships for almost my entire adult life.

I live in the US.

I’ve always lived in suburbs or cities.

I’ve always been financially secure.

I’m not religious or spiritual.

I’m liberal to extremely liberal on most political issues.

I have academic background in science.

I work in tech.

As an adult, I’ve mostly been active in the Sherlock fandom, since 2013. I previously read some fanfic in the Harry Potter fandom in ~2005-2008. When I was a teen (mostly pre-internet), I was producing fanfic and fanart (for just me and my friends) in the Star Trek and Peter Gabriel/Genesis fandoms.

I write queer fiction of many stripes -- fanfic (mostly M/M and/or queer poly) and original (mostly F/F and/or queer poly). A lot of it is mature or explicit, and occasionally kinky.

I write het.

I write gen.

I’ve written RPF and self-insert stories.

I love a lot of problematic media. I’m happy both loving it and critiquing it.

I’m in favor of more people (and more diverse people) writing stories, and I’m fine with people writing any kind of fiction that they want to. I’m also in favor of having critical discussions about storytelling, and getting creators to think critically about the kinds of stories they are and are not contributing to the world.

Whew -- thanks for reading! :) Another fact about me is that I’m strongly in favor of self-examination and self-improvement. I’m always striving to do better, and I welcome feedback on my fandom stats, on these notes, or on anything else.

Edit: Thanks to @flourish and @fffinnagain for some insightful feedback on earlier drafts of some sections of this post. All errors and issues are mine!

#my stuff #fandom stats #toastystats #philosophy of data science #ish #FAQ #reference #50

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toraashi · 7 years ago

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Thanksgiving

Kay so I’m hopping on board the train and shouting out to the loves of my life who p much make tumblr worthwhile for me:

@goddamnitdazai whoot you are the primary reason I have a tumblr in the first place bc you’re a badass and your writing is amazing literally I have been stanning you since forever. And on top of that you’re so like perseverant, and I may only see what you post on tumblr, but you’re such a lovely person and I’m beyond thankful to be able to read your writing and see how you interact with everyone... you’re so friendly :) Sorry I’m so painfully awkward and keep sending you desperate anons that are secretly cries for love XDD

@peterplanet literally your writing makes me want to choke myself it’s so lovely and like stunningly perfect. Your descriptions are so enrapturing and I love the way you write Peter <3

@reveriesforyou would pay you to step on me kay I am literally in love with your writing and your personality wtf why can’t I be as flawless as you?? Plus, your feed is so aesthetic and you’re just so mature. I honestly am so in love with the way you capture romance and relationships... it’s a lot more mature of a perspective than some of the other stuff I read and it’s beautiful and real and heartbreaking but also sweet and just... real.

@spiderling-askparker always gotta be greatful for Pete and his advice lmao

@spiderling--parker Lo and behold one of the queens of Peter Parker writing and being fantastic. Your taste in music is fabulous, you’re so nice to E V E R Y O N E and just .... like your writing skills are plain unbelievable ily. One thing I notice in your writing is how well you’re able to create an ambiance for your readers. For example, the story Tree Hollow has this really sweet, peaceful atmosphere that just kind of echoes throughout the whole piece. It’s really lovely. SOrry for being so awkward about everything I ever do to interact with you XDD

@rileywrites-parker QUEEN I STAN U SO MUCH I tried to like be friends with you but you’re amazingness was so intimidating I kind of got scared and didn’t really keep responding XD. But nevertheless, I’m thankful because your writing actually influences me to write more and you’re so sweet and dude you actually read my writing is there any greater of an honor? Writing wise... I love love love the way you portray your characters. You create this depth within them that extends far past the usual “oh Peter is awkward” and your take on the characters you write for is interesting and well thought out. Your dedication to your writing is truly inspiring, and I’m truly sorry for being like super duper awkward about every interaction we have XDD

@fluffeverything for being a babe and literally you are the best friend I could ever ask for <3 don’t really need to say more because I’ve already told you it all before XD

@euphorica-smiles literally I have read your stories a gajillion times you can’t even begin to comprehend how in love I am with them. They’re so innocent and sweet, plus, they’re easy to read and simple to understand, which I can appreciate when it’s three am and scrolling through my dash hurts my eyes.

@spiderllandtrash UR SO SWEET <3 and your writing is so fantastic! We’ve only been talking for a little bit, but you’ve sort of turned into one of my favorite people, and I’m so excited to write a collab with you :))

there are probably a ton more people that I missed, but I just want everyone to know that unless you’re a porn bot, if you follow me, I’m thankful for you. This lil tumblr may be teeny tiny, but all the people who have sent me sweet little comments or simply reblogged my writing I am eternally grateful for. It’s been a hard couple of months, but like, even though it’s hard to get passed my weird social anxiety, I do like interacting with everyone. Thank you for either A: filling my feed with beauty or B: supporting me and my writing. Happy Thanksgiving!

#thanksgiving #blogs im thankful for

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prinanalogicality · 8 years ago

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Mistakes

My amazing friend @notallpotatoesarefrenchfries and I were talking about potential fic ideas, and so she and I decided I could write using these different prompts from the dialogue prompt list I reblogged a while back. The prompts are:

#42 - “I didn’t mean to.” #50 - “I know. I don’t deserve you.” #54 - “Please breathe. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t-” I also added in #42 - “Can you hear me?”

TW: Panic attacks, self-doubt/dislike

Disclaimer: I know people have different experiences when having panic attacks. If you read this and do not identify with it, please do not say I am wrong or anything like that. I am writing from my own experience of panic attacks, so I am writing what I know. I am not glorifying or romanticizing panic attacks in any way, I want to make that clear, because I do not want to trigger anyone.

My friend suggested the prompts, I decided to make them one thing. Prepare for the angst :)

Summary: After Roman's treatment of Patton in the latest video, Anxiety demands that the male apologize for his actions. Words are said, misinterpreted, and all Anxiety wants to do is get that door open.

AO3 link here.

Pairing: Prinxiety! This will be angsty, friends. Eventual fluff!

“Why do you always have to be such a dick?” Anxiety asks crudely, staring up at Roman with glaring, unamused eyes. Roman, in turn, gasps dramatically, a hand settling over his heart.

“Why must you use such foul language? I have done nothing wrong.”

“Nothing wrong? You and Logan totally tag teamed on Patton like complete heathens, how do you consider that nothing wrong?” Anxiety uncrosses his arms in favor of gesturing towards Roman’s chest, a deep frown sketched onto his face.

“Logan and I were simply formulating ideas in order to improve Thomas’s quality of life. Yes, we may have been a tad bit extreme, but we were able to recognize our faults and allow Patton to share his ideas.” Roman shrugs and sits on the edge of his bed, one leg elegantly crossing over the other. “What I do not understand is that I am considered the dramatic one, yet here you are.”

“Feel free to stop being such a prick at any time, Princey.” Anxiety rolls his eyes, going quiet for a moment to gather his thoughts. “Look, I don’t care if you think you did nothing wrong. I already talked to Logan, he was able to apologize. Why can’t you just suck it up and say you’re sorry too?”

“Because I am royalty, Cynical-rella. Royalty does not apologize when royalty is not at fault.”

Anxiety groans in exasperation, his hands sliding down his face. “You make me want to cut off my own hands.” Shaking his head, he glances to the male sat on the bed, admiring his reflection in the handheld-mirror he has produced out of seemingly nowhere. “So you would rather stare at yourself instead of make Mo smile?”

“Of course. I can see Patton’s smile in my own reflection, in a sense - except I am much more appealing, of course.”

“You’re ridiculous. I seriously can’t believe I actually said yes to a relationship with you.” Anxiety sneers, stepping away from the male sat on the bed. He grasps the handle of Roman’s bedroom door, prepared to exit.

“Ah, I agree with that. Sometimes I find it quite astonishing that I have settled the way I have.” Roman’s voice is dreamy as he speaks, and Anxiety pauses, glancing back at him.

“Settled?”

“Why, yes. I very well could have pursued a romance with a lovely prince or princess, but I am here with you.” His voice is so matter of fact, so straightforward - it makes Anxiety’s chest ache.

He hates the way he is feeling. Today is Patton’s day - everyone has their bad days. Anxiety made it a point to try to make the others apologize to improve Patton’s day. Anxiety isn’t supposed to get upset, not now, but he has always been selfish. He is so selfish that his chest tightens, his throat closes, his fingers tremble. He can’t seem to get a solid grip on the handle, despite his several attempts.

“I know. I don’t deserve you.” Anxiety’s voice is soft, so tentative, a stark contrast from his normal brash tone of voice.

“Why not atone to Patton for me? You could send my apologies, no matter how false. Or, perhaps, you could admit your own fault. You said nothing while you thought things were wrong in the first place, are you not to blame for anything?” Roman mentions absentmindedly, not having noticed Anxiety’s response. That, or he does not care enough to comment on it. He simply settled for Anxiety, someone easy for him. Why would he care?

Every breath burns. Anxiety can’t seem to respond - his mouth is open, allowing him his quick, panicked breaths, but any attempt to communicate results in a tremble of his lips, an increased burning sensation behind his eyes, within his nostrils. His rapid breathing hitches once, twice, thrice, and his face feels hot, so very hot, only to become wet with fat tears spilling down his reddened cheeks. His feelings are only intensifying the more he tries to get the door open and fails, the more he thinks about how he has failed Patton, the more he thinks about how Roman has merely settled for someone like him.

“Anxiety? Dearest, I am all for conversing with you, but the fact that you are standing in my bedroom without doing or saying anything is admittedly quite unnerving.”

The words feel as if they go into one ear and right out the other as Anxiety shakes his head, feeling an intense itch on his neck, on the outer bones of his wrists. He swallows thickly, closing his eyes. He pulls his hands from the door in favor of reaching up to his neck, gently rubbing with the side of his wrists to get rid of the itches.

“Just open the door for me.” He manages to mutter the words bitterly, shakily, and the simple action of speaking breaks the dam within Anxiety’s fighting conscience. A hoarse cough escapes him, followed by a quivering whimper, his fast-paced breathing only serving to make him feel even more panicked. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe-

“Oh- oh, Anxiety, can you hear me? My darling, did I say something? I will apologize to Patton immediately if it will soothe you, I am most terribly sorry to you for whatever I have done.” Roman’s voice makes Anxiety’s chest ache even more - because he wants to be closer to him. His entire being craves being pressed against Roman’s chest, being held, being comforted. Listening to Roman singing lowly in his ear, low enough that his voice is raspy and so appealing - but Anxiety can’t allow that.

“Just open the door.” Anxiety sputters attempting to come off more forceful, to even yell, but yet again all he can manage is a wavering request, one raw with his anguish.

“You know I cannot let you go off on your own when you are like this. Come here, sit on my lap. I’ll sing to you, what song today? You look so lovely, my romance, I would love to play with that hair of yours.” Roman attempts to soothe him in all the ways that generally work, ways that make Anxiety physically hurt the longer he resists.

“Why would I? No, I won’t. I want to be alone, I’d rather be alone than be stuck with someone who lies. Someone who settles.” Anxiety grits the teeth out with as much weight as he can manage, each word being filled with more and more venom the longer he talks.

He catches Roman’s facial expression as he seems to understand the situation, immediately standing up. “Anxiety, oh. Please-” He steps towards the trembling male and Anxiety shakes his head, backing up clumsily and managing to trip on his own feet, falling back onto his rear end with a thud that makes Roman wince. Hands turn to allow nails to scratch at the expanse of a neck, and the sound of hyperventilating becomes more prominent in the room.

“Please breathe. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to. Please, Anxiety. I did not mean that I have settled for you, I meant that I have settled with you. I expected to be doomed to a life of going through all sorts of princes and princesses and not finding the one, but I have found you, I have always had you beside me. We argue, we annoy one another, but I adore you, my one true love. You have always been the one for me, and you always will be until the end of time. Can you hear me? Please, I hope you can, I need you to know. I know I have been acting like a child today - I vow to apologize to Patton, I just beg that you breathe.”

Anxiety’s response is far from immediate. It takes several minutes for his breathing to calm enough for him to speak again, several more for him to allow Roman to get close enough to touch him, but the royal is relentless. He murmurs much-needed positives to the dark trait, reassuring him of their love, of his affections, of how his words were misconstrued.

Roman, sat on the ground and leaning back against his bedroom wall, runs his fingers through Anxiety’s messy, tangled hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of his beloved’s head. “I have behaved in an inexcusable manner today. I shall apologize to Patton and the others, and I shall make the rest of my existence dedicated to apologizing to you. Please forgive me.” He mumbles, his own voice soothing - a soft tone that is reserved specially for Anxiety when they are alone. Roman hates being the cause of Anxiety’s attacks, he only hopes to bring light to the male’s dark world. But, he does have his own flaws as a trait that is not in charge of emotions. He tends to speak in a manner that can easily overlook the emotions of others - namely Patton and Anxiety as traits that function in the emotion department.

“You’re an asshole.” Anxiety murmurs weakly, head tucked beneath Roman’s chin and his eyes closed. He feels tired, so terribly tired, and though he has most definitely not completely forgiven Roman, he is far too sleepy and far too dependent on the male’s comfort to leave the room now. He just wants to go to sleep.

“I am aware. I am terribly sorry for my posterior-esque tendencies.” Roman says quietly, gently and slowly scooping Anxiety into his arms to bring the male to the bed, giving him time to object if he pleases. Upon receiving no objection, he stands, setting Anxiety onto the bed like a treasured, cherished being.

“I just wanna sleep. Come on.”

“I know how you sleep, you must be uncomfortable. Hush now. One moment.” Roman takes the time to remove Anxiety’s jeans and the male’s jacket, leaving Anxiety clad in underwear and one of his soft black T-shirts. “Would you like one of my Disney shirts?” He sees Anxiety’s pout and reluctant nod and smiles, knowing which one to suggest. “How about my Morgana shirt?”

“Morgana was so underappreciated. I want that one.” Anxiety grumbles and sits up, in which Roman tosses Anxiety’s black shirt away, handing the male his Morgana shirt so Anxiety can put it on. Roman, in turn, strips to his underwear, putting on his matching Ursula shirt before climbing onto the bed.

“Let’’s go to bed, sweetheart.”

Roman does not receive a verbal response, but instead he feels the warmth of his boyfriend’s body pressing against him, cuddling up to him. He kisses the top of his crown jewel’s head, closing his eyes. He feels more than terrible about having upset Anxiety - tomorrow, he knows they will talk about it when Anxiety is levelheaded. He knows it will more than likely become another argument, but he also knows now that he must tune more in to what he says and Anxiety’s reactions.

He feels soft, steady breaths ghosting over his shoulder and allows himself to calm enough to fall asleep, relaxed knowing that his beloved has unwound and still wants to lie down with him. He does not know what he would do without Anxiety - Anxiety teaches him about how to handle people, how to react. They encounter many differences of opinion, but Roman refuses to let those differences get between them. Not like they have today.

#prinxiety #prinxiety angst #prinxiety fluff #mine #fic #angsty angst #tw #tw panic attack

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mithrannussen-blog · 7 years ago

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Star Trek Constitution (fanfiction)

Greetings! I present myself as Mithrannusen or by my real name, Flávio. It is in here my first attempt in creating a fanfiction set in one of my favorite fictional universe. I hope you all enjoy and please write back your opinions and please, reblog it if you liked!

Prelude

“Chief petty officer Tina Krasnovsky’s personal log, stardate 53294.2. Proceeding upon my duty while acting representative to the Koshnaya starfleet embassy I am puzzled to realize that the mathematical and scientific complexities of my work seems undermined compared to the current state of affairs between the Federation and the disturbed exterior planets that has yet to come to good terms after the recent Dominion War.”

“I am to believe that the situation will soon come into it’s own terms, beyond that, bureaucracy and resentment are growing elements when dealing with the Koshnaya member species. Faith in the good deeds presented by the United Federation of Planets seems only utopic now; certain cultures no long fall onto our grasp and common understanding seems to be forgotten.” Looking through her living quarters window, Tina estimated that remained 37 minutes until her next appointment; she decided that was time for her to finalize the log and proceed to the designated place.

While walking through U.S.S. Angela Martine sixth deck main corridor, near the transporter room 3E, a voice transmission was at play through her badge: “Chief, please report immediately to my ready room, I already assigned another officer to take over your duties.” Ordered ship’s captain Aquiel. Although Tina knew and was very heartly into rigorous schedules for her and her crewmates, external events, happenings beyond her own control, were always triggering Tina’s need to improvise and rapidly adapt into any situation. Sometimes she felt as if she was undergoing training under a strictly military division. “My science ambitions and ideals are frequently at the background”, she thought.

Krasnovsky’s feelings were not totally inadequate. As for her current assignment, certain events has had it’s fair share of misadventures and chaotic attempts of destabilization and emotional turmoil, not only for herself but the well being and safety of the crew also. As for the Angela current location, a Continuum-class starship near the Breen Confederacy, at the minor system of Mareuvia III, problems were guaranteed.

“Captain, chief Krasnovsky reporting in.” Informed communications officer Lt. commander Nosh Brurker through a computer voice transmission.

“Send her in, please!” Responded Aquiel as she put down her datapad on a medium-sided delta shape table full of engineering schematics and old fashioned journals alongside a discreet and elegant golden portrait of her vulcan family insignia.

Aquiel’s full name are somewhat complicated to properly express in any human language, specially English. Her surname are usually written as Kawarda, or kahwa’ra-de as in golic vulcan, a loosely translation sets it as “similar mind”; a description given to a twin. Her elder sister stands with Mestral, mes-tor ye-halek; one who crosses the galaxy.

Kawarda were part of a cultural exchange program between the Vulcan southwest government and the Federation. She lived with humans during her residence at the Starfleet Academy, through a prolonged and difficult assimilation of human culture and the development of some few genuine friendships, she unofficially received the name of Aquiel - something that she was neutral but respectful of.

“Captain, reporting as ordered!” Declared the chief as the sliding doors behind her were silently closing and finishing with the brief clearer light that contrasted the blue and red from their respective uniforms before return the room to it’s usual gloomy setting.

“Please sit down chief Krasnovsky.” Said Aquiel as she directed Tinta into a chair at the other side of the delta table. “I requested your presence here to discuss a matter long overdue by Starfleet command and at your own request sidelined.”

“Captain, with all due respect, I do not believe that there is any matter unattended. All of my reports has been minutiously inspected by my superior officers and Koshnaya starfleet embassy representatives at Starbase Sierra.” Her voice showcased one tonality usually associated to someone who is trying to remain calm while simultaneously disturbed; though such remark could only be made by someone attentive and professional at identifying subtle behavioural variations. Kawarda not only surpass such qualifications but her occasional telepathic usage serves as a reminder to everyone that she was fully in the midst of her emotional and thoughtful fortress.

“You are correct, I can offer the interpretation that officially there is no matter to attend to between us besides our usual obligations aboard this vessel.” Calmly remarked the captain without losing track of any minor movement from her subordinated. “But I am proficient at assign causes to the most diverse facts and choices, as are you. I should not ignore what you are and aren’t telling me, they are both complementary to the truth. Do you prefer to continue in this route of conversation or to change your premises ?”

“Actually I prefer to know your reasons for questioning me in such manner as such required answers may depend on your current interpretation of events. Anything beyond that may came out as harmful to my reputation and the discernment of my public career.” The chief in this moment was already defeated in trying to prevent any further enquiries. According to her reasoning, the best approach would be to understand the captain’s motivations and if when push comes to shove, then explain everything thoroughly.

“Reasonable.” Agreed Aquiel, while showing a little and discreet hint of admiration towards Krasnovsky’s posture in front of her; smartness and defiance. Two characteristics often contradictory to the Vulcans but common law to the Romulans.

“According to some classified Starfleet reports, several sectors are now without a direct federative representative or of any sort of Federation influence. The high Council has issued priority orders to several captains and admirals at strategic regions of the quadrant to deal with the crisis. Simultaneously, has come onto our attention the need to enforce our regulations alongside the borders near the Ferengi Alliance and the unstable Cardassian Union.”

The comment above did not contain any new information with regards to the current state of affairs, however during her speech, captain Aquiel has dedicated several tappings into her datapad, producing a sequence of sounds so low in it’s frequency but yet passive of interpretation. A recursive and yet undedicated analysis of these sounds would justify some of it’s similarities with the 1836 based off electrical telegraph system, Morse code.

“I am also in accord to some hypothesis that several unclassified biological weapons has been smuggled through dissidents Breen generals into the control of 14 factions on our current system location. More specifically, at the locations of Boslic IX and Galvin V, relatively near to the Federation administrative region surrounding the Starbase Sierra.” Captain Aquiel suddenly sighed and leaned back in her chair, crossing fingers in a manner that easily indicates complex thought process. Her chin slowly touched her crossed hands while one lifted finger pointed at a perpendicular direction.

Krasnovsky strangely move her head into the left direction appointed. At the vertical panel set at the wall, one brief phrase was written: Do briefly a discussion on your latest work concerning the installation of the new astrometrics system and later go to your room and follow the instructions here given.

No doubts were present that the entire situation was a façade to something else. Capt. Kawarda acted as if the presentation made by the chief about her latest research were of some relevance; but if not to distract from the concurrent spionage being maintained by some agents aboard Angela Martine, at least to safeguard her own plans.

As Tina was standing ready to get up and leave the room, one beep suddenly was heard by both parts of this conversation. Aquiel played a severe and enthralling look into Krasnovsky’s eyes, demonstrating that not only she knew but also adhere to her course of action.

“Do you require extra engineer personnel to complete the installation until 16 hundred hours?”

“No captain, I do not!” The hesitation on her speech was noticeable. Aquiel quietly approach her and slightly touch the cold and yet pleasing hand of Tina. All of this without for a single instant losing sight of her gaze.

No words were needed. The chief felt as if an unexpected regain of composure was always under her reach under the most violent and desperate situations. The small contact between the two continued for as long as the low sound coming from the captain’s datapad remained; Tina lost track of time, and Kawarda lowered it’s counting priority to that of the moment only.

The sound frequency highered up.

“You are dismissed, chief Krasnovsky!” Said the captain with a steady but yet charming voice. Crossing the doors, Tina believed to have heard a small vulcan honorary poem verse; Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, but could not be sure.

Finally in her room, Tina Krasnovsky rapidly accessed her contact through a alternate and undocumented connection to the ship’s secondary computer communications relay. The message sent was brief: section 31.

Civil Conundrum

“Captain’s log stardate 53294.8. According to latest reports from all sections, all main systems are back to a fully operational status after the attempted sabotage of our warp core at precisely 3 days, 17 hours and 43 minutes ago. The culprit has yet to be identified but due to the coordinates of our present location and the nature of our mission, events such as this, thought traumatic in its requirements, are to be naturally expected.”

“The main course of investigation currently at our disposal is a full reverse engineering of our main computer system alongside the fourth secondary set of registry subroutines of the main engineering bay. External sources to the invasion are being taken into consideration. Currently assigned are Lt. commander Nosh Brurker, Lt. Sergey Rozhenko, Lt. Storya Suryan and I have decided to complement the team with the direct association of chief petty officer Tina Krasnovsky as their temporary coordinator; a decision bound to increase controversy among the crew.”

Suddenly Aquiel stopped the recording log entry. Thinking about the career so far constructed by her seemslily unpredictable officer, Tina’s parents indiscreetly came into her mind. They were both highly regarded special commissioned officers to the federative Andorian embassy at Beta Antares IV starstation in the Vulcan System; work and love partners that contrasted their human frailties by situating themselves at the highest possible performance in their duties independently of any health consequences, something that certainly are headly registred in Krasnovsky’s highly obsessive personality type - as for the crew manifesto, Kawarda made use of all Tina’s honorary and assignment titles earned to justify her intellectual prowess against the competition settling around the Angela Martine launch that seeked to guarantee a more conservative affiliation .

Krasnovsky’s position are somewhat unclear, at least to the majority of the crew. Prior to her assignment aboard Angela, she acted exclusively under ambiguous and direct orders from the admirals in Starbase Sierra. A Federation outpost which holds significantly power in the circumscribed region, not only due to it’s nine experimental Consecrated class starships but also the Koshnaya starfleet embassy; maintaining a somewhat self-autonomous administrative region; a ideal space that to many would serve as a framework for unsanctioned political, scientific and military experimentations simply justified by the need to protect the United Federation of Planets against external forces that sees in the actual fragmented main governments inumerous opportunities to gain higher power in the quadrant; however the fact that direct confrontation are not yet common, they are increasing and constantly ravaging the agenda of politicians and generals.

Since the ending of the Dominion War, Starfleet and the associated Federation institutions as come into a political and military recession. Although not all documents and reports has been made public, is estimated that at least one third of the fleet has been destroyed, the Klingon Empire has also seen better times compared to it’s 22nd and 23th century entire frontier scope.

In the stardates between 52877 and 52941, Starfleet High Command and the new leader of the Klingon High Council, under Emperor Martok’s rule, signed bilateral accords to the creation of a special task force in response to the Romulan Star Empire incursions into the Omega and Archanis federative systems, near the Klingon border of Maranga IV and Narendra III, alongside these treaties special defensive mechanisms has been installed at the northern regions of the Gorn Hegemony and the Tholian Assembly.

These activities eventually broke into a diplomatic and institutional crisis between the Federation and the Romulan senate. Leading to the sudden imprisonment of several federation scientists and diplomats that were granted temporary access to work under their space stations of Nimbus III and Ghorusda, directly under the jurisdiction of the Romulan Ministry of Science, at the Neutral Zone; consequently reverting also all the amendments applied into the Treaty of Algeron.

Consequently to the dissolution of all alterations made into the treaty, the Federation lost it’s legal ability to develop and use starfleet vessels with the capabilities of a clock device. The Federation High Council voted to the final dissolvement of the document and to the end of all cooperation efforts dedicated at the Defiant Project during the Dominion conflicts - the pieces were set but with the rules of the game yet unclear; and so a new war was flourishing throughout the galaxy.

written by @mithrannussen

#star trek #star trek fanfiction #star trek imagines #fanfiction #text post #vulcan #romulan #klingon #tholian #science fiction #star trek scenarios #prime universe #prime timeline #star trek prime #star trek nemesis #fandom #fan writing #treaty of algeron #section 31

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broadswordandpistol · 7 years ago

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Repost, not reblog! Tag muns you would like to get to know better when done!

tagged by: @ufemew-wexub -- thank you!

tagging: HMMMMM let’s see. @fortesinfide, @lord-of-calamity, @disaster-trio, @unborderedreflection, @oldbirdbrain, @burnstrike, and whoever else needs a Munday meme!

Name: Jishin (hit me on Skype for my real name if you want) Nickname: Ji, K, hey you -- Age: 43 (yes really I am old) Faceclaim: Kyohei Kadota (Durarara!!) Pronouns: She/Her Height: 5′2″ Birthday: Ju** ** (I don’t give that out online too much, I’d rather make the identity thieves work for it) Aesthetic: sun, sky, earth. I like blue-collar urban chic to wear and American southwest/country for living in. Repurposed things, kintsugi; things are better with a patina of tradition or wear. Last song you listened to: Thrice: Artist In The Ambulance

Favourite muse(s) you’ve written:

Hands down, that’s Alvin. I’ve been RPing online for mumble twenty-something mumble years and in that time, I have never had a muse with a truly complex personality who was

warm

comfortable and easygoing

genuinely good at heart but also

a complete disaster

AND willing to take that disaster to other people

Most muses like that are cold or standoffish and hard to engage. You always end up waiting for other people to come to you and that doesn’t always happen. Alvin is outgoing and willing to get into trouble at the drop of a hat and I love it.

Alvin has lasted longer than any other muse I’ve ever written and I credit his fantastic source material and the depth they put into his character in Xillia. He is as close to a real person as a fictional character could be.

What are your favorite aspects of your current muse:

I just mentioned a bunch of those, but the personality quirk I truly love about Alvin is that confronted with his mess, he accepts it. He never tries to shove the blame off on someone else. He may try to mitigate it, or let previous problems be in the past, but he never hides behind another person or blames fate for his life.

What’s your biggest inspiration when it comes to writing:

I’ll be honest, the best inspiration comes from my RP partners. I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you guys. There are threads that draw me instantly with their fantastic chemistry and those pour off my keyboard like I could keep going for hours. (I have sometimes. Just ask @bonafidebittersweet or @sventmanifest ... ooops.) I will admit sometimes that makes me look biased -- okay, I’m biased. But the writing is soooooooo good that way.

Favourite types of threads:

Hmm, how do I put this? Anything that’s got deep challenges for my muse. He thrives on life being difficult, whether that’s emotionally or physically. Trust issues and identity issues are a lot of fun too. I don’t need a lot of pre-planning, and in fact usually it’s better if it isn’t, though it’s always good to have the other mun or muns on hand to confirm small plot points and writing details on the fly. (Off-Tumblr Skype example: ‘may I hit your muse? ... thank you!’)

I love rich, intense threads with strong conflict and those will absolutely get my immediate attention and most of my writing brain.

The biggest struggle in regards to your current muse:

That’s a difficult question. Right now, I’ve actually got three active muses, although Lloyd and Eizen generally get less attention from Alvin. (Okay, not within the past week or two -- )

I’ve had Alvin so long that writing him is like muscle memory. I know how he thinks and reacts, and he’s so easy to voice that he just pours off my fingertips as long as I can concentrate, and as long as he’s interested in his threads.He will get bored by his threads if there’s not enough for him to do in them. He needs conflict. He’s an adrenaline junkie, much as he won’t admit it.

Sometimes I have to keep his perspective from bleeding over into other characters. This is particularly true when I write Eizen, specifically dealing with complicated social situations. Eizen has a different form of social adeptness than Alvin, and they need to be kept very separate.

#out of ammo #meme thing #Happy Munday

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yukipri · 8 years ago

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Replies to the art theft post

tanialel replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

You must talk with the Gays on Ice's admin, she understands what is going on and also she wants to solve the problem, just take it easy and talk at the first place. Maybe you're overreacting... (I don't want to offend nobody.)

lizeth-sandwich replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

Why are you like this? Not everyone knows who are you, I didn't know who were you until you pointed out a page that I follow. What is so wrong about sharing "FANARTS"? I mean, they want to share it because they like it, and they are your draws, yes, but it is Kubo sensei work, intellectual property... For me, and a lot more followers is sharing art knowing who the artist is to follow her. I can't believe there is people getting angry and want to report it.

lizeth-sandwich replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

+I mean, is a page where we can laugh, where I can find people who share the same love for this beautiful art. If you want to delete that page just for that simple reason is unthinkable for me. Deleting a page because they want to share your beautiful art, how sad. I shared photos of concerts, I could take money out of them but I didn't because I like when people say thanks to me, I like to share. I did found people sharing my photos without credits.

lizeth-sandwich replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

+but didn't make a fuss of it, I just commented on my pic that it was mine and followers saw me. Some others edit giving me credits. But anyway, I wrote all of this to make you understand that if you talk to them they might comprehend, you should not rush with your statements. We want peace not war, everything solves by talking.

mallenlisromero replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

Well....you have your point but this is overreaction, everybody knows this blog and the content is yours but your reaction is incredible. The people who repost your work is because they love it. I don't know why that reason is bad. Are you angry for that? Well, the best solution will be to delete your blog. That way no one sees your work and doesn't feel like sharing. I don't want to seem rude, but it's very illogical and childish your rule of repost. You must ask to the

mallenlisromero replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

+You must ask to the people who repost "why you repost?" I don't think that they respond "I'm a fanart thief " If they do, it would be funny. That's my opinion.

mallenlisromero replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

I understand, everyone wants the credit for their work and that's logical because they did but... Don't repost, don't share...both are “pendejadas", sorry I don't find a word in English for this expression. Your art is good, You should be happy with your fans, and proud that they share your work, obviously with the credits

sofiarvs replied to your post “I was going to post art today...”

Ellos ponen el autor!!! Así es como conocí muchos artistas, que culeros

Okay, I’m going to break my habit of only posting replies one time a day in the afternoon. Apologies in advance, and I hope you also don’t mind if I reply to these all together to avoid giving repetitive answers.

You’re right, the series, the characters themselves, and canon is the intellectual property of Kubo-sensei and the other YOI producers. However, fanart that I created is mine. I have never claimed that I own the characters, just my specific depictions of them in images I have created. There is a whole discourse on this, but that is a conversation for another time.

You’re also right, that not many people know who I am unlike the creators of canon material like Kubo-sensei. People will see an official art, and automatically know how to find the people who made it, they’re credited on all official media sites. For nobody fanartists like myself, not so much. It’s just “fanart.” Most people will not know of me or my blog just by looking at art they find floating around the internet. All the more reason that I would like that they know.

I stated specifically in my call out post that I want people to be respectful, and I apologize if the community is getting any harassment, that was not my intention. My intention is to hopefully get you and others to realize just how hurtful art theft is. “You’re overreacting. Creating a fuss. It shouldn’t matter, they share because they love it!” are statements that do not try to understand how the artist feels. You do not know how I felt creating my art, you did not experience the time and effort and struggle it took to finish and upload them, so I feel that you do not have the right to tell me how I should feel.

I am not an art machine. I’m a person, who dedicates more hours than one would expect at a full time job to nothing but producing art content that I make available for free. We are all fans here; I want to create and share drawings that hopefully make people happy, and I hope you can enjoy them in ways that do not hurt me in return.

There are so, so many ways in which art theft is hurtful. Notes/attention is certainly part of it. My art on the community in question had over 1K likes, when the original post barely had 2K. Think of how much more motivated I would feel to draw more similar content if even a fraction of those people decided to view my work on my blog, possibly even like, reblog, or comment. Instead, those views simply tell me that those people don’t care about the creator, just my content.

If you actually want to discuss, please be willing to learn. HERE’s one post that describes very well what art theft does. HERE’s another. Some quick scrolling and searching #art theft will give you plenty of results.

Different creators (not just artists) have different policies regarding reposting, because we all feel differently about how we are comfortable with our art being shared and we all have different past experiences with fandom, which shouldn’t come as a surprise because we’re all different people. Most people have their rules stated somewhere on their blog, and if you can’t find it (please search first) it doesn’t hurt to ask. Crediting is not the same as permission, as explained in the posts above. Some people allow reposts with credit, some do not. Please respect everyone.

I personally feel my own policies are pretty clear. You also cannot make the argument that you didn’t know.

The fact that I am uncomfortable with my art being shared on other sites should be enough, if you respect me and wish to support my art you shouldn’t need more reasons. I shouldn’t have to explain my history of being more open at first, but being more and more hesitant to give permission after a long stream of abuses. I shouldn’t have to describe to you in detail how it has impacted me personally, how it has played into my depression, how it has made me stop drawing and leave fandoms in the past, and the amount of effort it took to come back from that and give posting online another chance. Me asking you to please stop should be enough.

On top of that, this particular post was my first nsfw work I put on Tumblr, after almost 4 years of having this blog. It took a lot of debating on whether I should do it or not. When I did decide to do it, I took a lot of precautions to ensure that I would be comfortable with my decision. It is incredibly mild, I posed them so nothing showed, I tried for the right balance (to me) of erotic but not smut, I went out of my way to try to make sure no one looked underage. I posted beneath a cut, I added tags and warnings. I was nervous, but wanted to share, thinking maybe if it went well I might get the confidence to do a little more. Instead, NOPE, that’s it for me, people reposting with none of my precautions, my discomfort is through the roof.

I’m not asking you to not share my works. I’m not asking you to not enjoy my works. There are ways that you can do that that only inconvenience you mildly, but do not hurt me. If you are on Tumblr or Twitter, you can reblog/retweet. If you want to share on other sites like facebook, please just share the link to my blog. Yes, it may not match your community aesthetic, yes, it will take one extra click for people to see the images on my blog, and yes, it may be tedious to then go back to your community to have your conversations there. But is that really too much effort to ask, in comparison to the effort it took to draw from scratch? If it’s just sharing the link, you don’t even need to ask me for permission. I promise that I’ve made my blog as easy to view as possible, and there’s easy navigation that lets you maybe find other art too that you can share in the same way. You can have your conversations on your site, and I can still protect my works on my blog and choose how to present them and get traffic. Does this not work?

I do not want to have to put my art behind a pay wall like Patreon. I like that anyone can view it. I don’t want to have to block out non-Tumblr users. I don’t want to have to create a locked community. I don’t want to stop posting my work online, and only have my work available through purchase of physical copy like many Japanese artists. I would like to keep my watermarks small enough that you can still enjoy the images.

I don’t ask for money or make you join a community. You don’t even have to like, reblog, follow, or comment on my work, though that certainly is wonderful. All I ask is that you please, please, not hurt me for posting art.

I am not asking that you delete your community or blogs, like you above have suggested I delete mine. I do not want people to be angry with you, and again I am sorry if people have been acting disrespectfully. I do however want to ask you to please try to understand artists, to please respect our wishes, to please treat us like people. So many artists have stopped drawing because of art theft, or have lost faith in the internet and feel they can no longer share. Please do not contribute to that culture. I do not want to be driven from this fandom too.

If you didn’t know how much art theft damages the artist, that’s okay. Now you do. I hope this post helps explain part of why it’s bad.

I know you love the series and want to enjoy fanworks. We creators want you to enjoy them too. We like the same things. All I ask is that you reconsider how you think of sharing art. A small change in how you share art is all it takes to no longer hurt artists, but instead encourage us. Yes, it is a bit more work, but isn’t it worth it? Please support us and treat us with respect, and we’ll draw more things you can enjoy, and together we can create a better fandom community.

Thank you.

-Kazu (YukiPri)

Edit: I hope no one does this but I’ll say it anyway: please don’t harass any of the people I posted this in reply to. I’ve said my piece, and I’d like all conversations to be respectful. I posted this publicly because I want people to know the discussion going on, but I have no quarrel with individuals. Please do not bully. Thank you.

EDIT 2: If any bilingual Spanish speakers would be willing to translate my response to the Spanish-speaking community, I would be incredibly grateful. I feel like they’re mostly getting “the artist is mad and we should just not share her work,” and that is not the point of this post, which seeks to explain WHY it is hurtful and therefore should not be done, and alternatives on HOW to do better. (EDIT 3: Someone has kindly offered to translate, we’re working on it now! Thank you!)

#YukiPri replies #art theft #art repost #YOI #Yuri!!! on Ice #artist #long post #longpost #tanialel #lizeth-sandwich #mallenlisromero #sofiarvs #kotaro-bokuto-7v7 #I hope that came out respectfully #I tried to answer all of your concerns #I am just very tired

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thecrookedgavel · 5 years ago

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 4 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 4 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. At this point, episodes one, two, and three are up, I’m super happy with some of the responses I got. People said a lot of encouraging things to me about my own stories I told. It’s really gratifying to bare your soul and have people respond positively. It’s strange that I wasn’t even planning on telling such stories when I recorded episode one, but I’m glad I decided to be real with you all. Obviously, I got some negative responses too, but in cases like these, they’re best ignored.

So let’s get on to the episode! Today’s episode continues with the vibe of the previous one. Lots of positive energy to go around. Last time, Emmy starting dating Selena, came out as trans, and started loving herself. It was great to see her perspective on such positive things, but there is a clear difference this time around. Emmy has started conversing with Selena through reblogs on her Tumblr. So we get to see how they interact as a couple, and the things that they do together.

We’ll start off with a rather affectionate series of posts that contains a bit of cool news. I’ll try and do a distinct enough voice for when Selena is talking, but just in case it’s not enough, I’m going to say when the switch happens outloud.

Starting off with Emmy,

“Here’s my newest piece of art that I made! And it’s a very special picture, too! Can you guess why?” There was likely a photo that started off this thread, but again, I didn’t save any of Emmy’s art. Selena responds with,

“Omg bae, this can’t be what I think it is? Could it be the one you were telling me so much about?”

Emmy Continues,

“Yeah, it is! It’s my first commission! Someone wanted me to draw their OC in my style, and so they gave me a 20 dollar Steam code in exchange! I feel almost legitimate now!”

Then Selena writes,

“Emmy, don’t be silly. You’ve always been a legitimate artist. From the time you started drawing until today, you’ve always been legitimate. Your art is wonderful, and I can’t wait to see your next work!

Emmy responds with,

“Aww, you’re the sweetest! Maybe I’ll dedicate my next piece to you.”

And it continues a bit, but that gives us a good idea of their chemistry together. Now, I don’t remember these posts from the time they were first written, so I only really saw the picture once. I don’t remember it well, but I think it was a full-body shot of a punk character in Emmy’s sort of feminine style. I sort of regret not saving the pictures, but then again, how would I show them to you?

But I want to point out how natural and sweet these two are together. They’re good for one another, and it really shows in this post. I’m also noticing that Emmy’s imposter syndrome is toned down at this point in time. I think that’s mostly due to Selena’s influence, because it can still crop up even when you’re getting paid. Though we should take a minute to celebrate Emmy getting paid, because getting commissioned is a big deal! Normally discussing prices associated with your art turns people off it completely. So I’m really glad she made some progress.

Next up we have another post with both of them talking, and the topic is rather serious. This time, they’re advocating for trans rights. They’re both against Bathroom Bills being passed. For those of you who don’t know, every once in a while, America tries to legislate where trans folk are allowed to use the bathroom. In Emmy’s state, they want to force people to use the bathroom labelled by their “birth sex”. I’ll let Emmy and Selena explain further. Emmy starts us off,

“I know I’m a little late to the party, but fuck this bathroom bill bullshit! I can’t believe the government wants to decide where we can pee yet again! I don’t go out much, but when I do, I obviously have to use the boy’s bathroom because I’m still in the closet to my dad. But when I do, it just feels awful. It’s another reminder that I don’t look like how I feel on the inside. It may sound dumb, but I honestly feel defeated every time I get misgendered by that dumb sign. I hate it, and I know other trans girls like me feel the same way. To make it illegal for us to use the girl’s bathroom even if we pass is straight bullshit! Fight for trans rights and oppose this stupid bill!”

Selena reblogs this, writing,

“I agree entirely. And I feel the same way when I’m forced to use the men’s room. Like, I am not a man??? So I don’t think that works for me. People say that without this bill, trans women will attack cis women in washrooms. However, that’s just a fear tactic that relies on the idea of trans women being predatory. Which is not the case!!! Say no to this bill! Trans rights are human rights!”

You tell them, girls! Trans rights are indeed human rights. And humans have the right to use the bathroom without fear of being arrested or beat up. Because that’s the choice a lot of us face when we don’t fully pass. Like, sometimes I go out in dresses or flannels with the buttons on the other side, and if I have to use a public restroom, *sigh* I face a difficult choice. Do I go to the men’s room and risk getting beat up for dressing a certain way? Or do I go to the lady’s room and risk getting kicked out of the building? Honestly, it’s not so bad for me, because it’s illegal to be beat up or kicked out due to one’s gender expression in Canada, but just because it’s illegal, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it. In America, under these types of bathroom bills, people who are mid-transition or non-binary would have to make very difficult choices if they needed to use a bathroom in public. Even folks who fully pass would have to risk getting arrested in order to use the washroom they would appear to belong in. *Sigh* Trying to hold it in may be safer sometimes, and that’s honestly messed up.

These two posts I did see when they initially posted them. I was very proud of them for advocating for trans rights. Though honestly, when you’re trans it’s kind of hard not to advocate for yourself. It’s a position without the privilege to turn a blind eye to injustices, you see. You can’t help but see how badly people like you are treated, so many of us speak up and try and be heard. We often fail.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be a downer. *Sigh* These topics just get to me sometimes, and I think it’s important to share what I’m feeling about this, especially in case you don’t have a trans person in your life at the moment.

Ok! So our next few posts are about a less serious topic, but one that Emmy and Selena are both very passionate about: Overwatch. I should explain that in competitive video games, developers will change the power levels of their characters in order to make the game more to their liking. Or, as it usually goes, to try and make it so that the community likes it more. The two of them are talking about one of those changes. Emmy starts us off with a post titled,

“Not My Girl!

Nooo, I can’t believe they’re nerfing Mercy! Blizzard just announced that they’re changing it so that mercy can no longer do a 5-man rez. In fact, she can only rez one hero at a time now. Why? What was the problem with how it was before? Now her ultimate is flying around, which she could already do in a pharmercy! If she’s really, really different I probably won’t even play anymore…”

Then we get a reblog from Selena,

“Noooo, bae! If you stop playing, who will I play with? You can’t seriously want to quit playing! Maybe new Mercy will be really good, we don’t know yet. Let’s at least wait until the patch comes and see what everyone else thinks.”

And we get a final response from Emmy,

“You’re right, I wouldn’t want to stop playing with you over this. That would be weird to not play Overwatch together anymore. I just hope that Blizzard knows what they’re doing this time. I mean, I may have to pick a new main, but I swear I’ll still play with you!”

It can be common for changes to Overwatch to be met with a lot of resistance. A lot of the time, when something you love about the game changes drastically, it can make sense to want to play something else. It is a little ironic that Emmy is worried about Mercy in this particular change, as it actually boosted her power level to the highest it ever was. So much so, there was like a year following it of nerfs to bring Mercy’s power down. I wonder what the two of them would think about the newest changes to the game?

Although, I didn’t save any of her art, I do remember her personal art being a lot more light hearted at this point. There’s the obvious couple-y pictures but then there’s the more abstract stuff. Let’s just say that the imagery with chains and the like were gone from her work. That is, until after this post I’m about to read. *Sigh* I feel the need to warn you all first that it really changes the tone of the episode. If you’re not up for it, put this episode aside until you are. The post is titled,

“My Dad Read My Discord Messages

Sorry I haven’t been posting the past couple of days, some awful shit has happened to me. So I was a complete idiot and left Discord open on my phone. My Dad was suspicious of me, I guess, so he went through my phone and read through my conversations with Selena. And what he saw, he really didn’t approve of. Not only does he know I’m trans, but he knows I’m dating a latina girl.

He was really fucking mad, I could tell from his handwriting from the letter he wrote to me. I can’t tell if he was more upset about me dating a girl, or that she was latina. After I confronted him with a letter of my own, he yelled at me. He knows I can’t understand him when he does that, but he did it anyways. In his first letter, he said it was a sin against God to have thoughts like this, and I’m sure he repeated it a lot out loud, too. I’m really afraid that he’s going to send me to conversion therapy or some shit like that, but then again, that would mean sending me out into the real world. What if he tries to convert me himself? I’m scared that he’s going to try and hurt me. But Leelah’s Law makes conversion therapy illegal right? But still…

He’s taken discord off my phone, which sucks, but at least I still have Tumblr. I’ll just have to make sure I log out every time now. I’m really happy that I have Selena on my side, my Dad can’t stop our love!”

Remember when I said Emmy’s Dad was kind of a piece of shit? This is what I had in mind. The fact that Emmy isn’t even sure that he won’t try and convert her forcibly really shows what kind of person he is. And I hate to say this, but Leelah’s Law only makes conversion therapy Illegal for minors. Emmy is over 18 at this point, so it’s not illegal if she is coerced to accepting the “help” needed to make her no longer trans. Not like conversion therapy actually makes you not queer, *sigh* it’s all a load of shit anyways.

I don’t really feel the need to discuss why violating your child’s privacy is an awful thing to do, and I don’t think I need to explain why using religion as an excuse to hate doesn’t absolve you of being a bigot. I’m kind of not in the mood to do so either way. We have more episode to get through, and it’s not going to be pretty.

Our next post is another one of Selena’s poems. But before I read it, I need to give a little context. I debated including a post before this one that talked a bit about Selena’s family situation, but I decided against it because this podcast is supposed to be about Emmy. It’s easier if I give a few facts here instead.

So Selena doesn’t really have the most understanding family when it comes to queer issues, so although she’s been identifying as trans longer than Emmy has, she too has been completely closeted. Selena has several siblings, including some sisters, one of which is about the same clothing size as her. *Sigh* You may see where I’m going with this. I remember seeing a post on Selena’s tumblr where she talked about secretly wearing her sister’s clothes a couple of times, and getting away with it. I have a feeling she pushed her luck too far shortly after she made that post. Again, if you’re not ready to hear a post like this, there’s nothing wrong with putting the episode aside until you are. The poem is called,

“My Truth Reduced to Lies

What do you do when the punishment doesn’t fit the crime? Or if there was no crime in the first place?

When all I wanted was to appear as I feel,

How dare you tell me what I did was wrong?

My radiance ripped into timidness

My dignity pushed into shame

My integrity beaten into obedience

My daring smashed into fear

My truth reduced to lies

You tell me that being draped in belonging is worthy of this punishment?

I tell you you’re the evil ones

If my mistake was to be as I feel, it’s something I will never do again

But if I’m forced to live a lie, should I live at all?”

*Sigh* And then Emmy reblogged it saying: “Please don’t tell me this means what I think it does...:”

I’m so sorry Emmy, but I think it does mean what you think. *Deep breath* I feel so awful about this, because this poem never crossed my dashboard. I would have said something! I would have messaged Selena and… I don’t know, what I could have done… but it would have been better than doing nothing! *Sigh* I’m not really in the mood to give my usual analysis or whatever of the post, and I definitely don’t have some magical story from my life that will tie it all together in a neat little bow.

*Tearing up* Like, people treat trans kids like this, and then wonder why our suicide rate is so damn high! The life expectancy for a trans woman is like 40 years! Things aren’t magically fixed because we’re now trending on Twitter or some shit! They beat her. They beat her because of who she was, and I can’t… *sobbing* I just can’t right now, this episode is over.

-----

Hey all, An here. I’m sorry about breaking down before. This is me recording again on a different day. I took a much-needed break from things, practiced some self care, and I’m feeling more centred than last time. I think I got too close emotionally to the subject matter. *Sigh* I doubt I was giving good commentary, I just sort of shut down before I started… well, you know. Anyways, I’m recording this because the episode is in fact, not over. There’s more to discuss here before we can end things off, otherwise the last episode of the season becomes too much to digest in one sitting.

I feel a little dumb for blowing up like I did, but I think it’s important that I leave it in the podcast. I want to take this journey together, and it feels wrong to hide my emotions from you all. I want to be real with you, you know? But yes, I’m feeling better, so let’s get started. The posts are still of an upsetting nature, by the way. That will be the norm for a while. Emmy posts something titled: “I Don’t Know

I don’t know how I let everyone talk me into putting myself out there, I’m such a piece of shit. My art is trash, just like me. It will always be shit, I improve too slowly for it to mean anything. I hate looking at it, so you probably do too.

Things are bad with my Dad. He won’t respond to me, and the way he looks at me now, it’s so full of hate. Not like I don’t deserve it.

To top it all off, Selena dumped me yesterday. Can you blame her? I certainly can’t. Why did I ever believe I was worth dating? So much for fate, I guess… “

Yikes. It’s clear, to me at least, that this isn’t our Emmy talking. It’s her depression from being Bi-Polar talking here. She had several terrible things happen to her in such a short time, that her mental illness has essentially taken over. Selena breaking up with her is sort of the last straw. But I really don’t think it happened because Selena no longer had feelings for Emmy, but because she’s going through a lot right now with her whole family against her. Honestly, being in a relationship with someone who reminds you of being trans was probably too much to handle when you’re being forced back into the closet. I did see this post, and I offered some words of encouragement to Emmy and told her that things get better. It’s something you hear a lot, but I believe it’s true. At least I want to believe it’s true. I don’t know if she ever read it, because I never got a response to that message.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I hope I didn’t take you on too much of a ride today. Sending my best wishes to anyone who is feeling down right now. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

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