#//i shouldnt be surprised anymore and yet every time i see shit like this my disappointment is immeasurable lmao

[revvywevvy]

Hey so... important thingy real quick pertaining to sharing f/os.

I get it- sharing f/os can be hard for some folks. Whether you get self conscious, jealous, nervous abt it, etc etc. I totally understand- I can open up here and admit that I get really self conscious and a little nervous when I see people who ship with the f/os I am uncomfortable sharing or have selective sharing with. However, that's a normal thing to feel, and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all! It's okay to be sad, or anxious, or jealous, or anything else along those lines. That's why we block and move on, and try not to let those negative feelings hurt us too heavily.

That being said, when it becomes NOT okay, is when you're posting on any of your blogs about wanting people who ship with your f/os dead. Or posting about wanting to cause bodily harm to other self-shippers. Oooor posting about said f/o harming other shippers. Or anything under that umbrella.

Seriously. I feel like it's already pretty obvious that you should never do that in the first place, but those who don't care and want to actively participate in said behavior should just stay in their own damn circle- away from the people who aren't harming anyone; who are just shipping and minding their own business.

We absolutely do not need those kinds of people running around and literally wishing death on folks, whether they think they're being sneaky about it or not. Nobody deserves to die for the 'crime' of loving the same character as someone else.

[trashiewrites]

Promotion (Soap x Reader)

Word count: 2319

[Notes: I'm so happy to finally have finished this fic! I've been feeling on and off for a while. I hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Also sorry I have really basic grammar so grammar might be shit.]

-----------------------------------------------

Night lurked over the head of the men and women of the camp. You found yourself looking up to the sky for no particular reason. The stars of tonight shined brightly, they seemed almost hypnotic. You were out of it to not hear someone come by behind you. "Sky beautiful tonight ain't it?" You jumped up at the sudden voice, knowing it was the captain "sorry, didn't mean to scare ya!"

"It's fine captain...." you lightly chucked as splashes of red-tinted your cheeks. You've had a small feeling for the Scottish man. You've been denying it till recently. He's your CO but you know... at least shoot your shot. "Would you like to join me, captain?"

"I would love too" he sat down close next to you. A lovely grin from ear to ear as he stared at the stars too. "What do you see or get reminded of when you see the stars?" You hummed, placing a finger upon your chin as you thought. For a split second, you glanced at the captain...

"Well..." your heart raced at the thought of putting the notation of you liking someone out there. In the end, you chicken out of it. " I see possibilities! What about you sir?"

"They remind me of someone I deeply love." He chuckled as his gaze faced downward. "They don't quite know it yet though..."

"Whoever it is, they should count themselves lucky, sir." You nudged his shoulder, attempting to keep your cool, "you're an amazing person after all!"

"You really think so?" Soap laughed as he rubbed the back of his neck. You nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. Though your chest showed this pang of jealousy. "Say... how about we head to the mess hall? Grab some dinner."

"Of course!" You yelped a tad too excitedly. Realizing that fact you tensed up and smiled nervously "um... Of course, captain..." the both of you stood and began to walk side to side. The walk itself was sweet and littered with small talk about anything. It could be training, people, or even gossip. Yet throughout the whole time you would glance over to the captain. Noticing small little details about him that made your heart slowly melt. His chiseled jaw, his deep blue eyes, the way he laughed and made others motivated. You loved every single thing about this man.

"I wonder what crap they'll give us today.." He held the tent's drapes open for you. "You first~" he mockingly bowed.

"Why thank you, captain!" You walk in after a small curtsy.

"You know you can call me John right? It's off-hours, so I don't mind." You paused in your tracks, processing the offer. You knew no one who ever called the Captain by his first. If anything you found the idea almost disrespectful to him.

"Are you sure sir?" You look at him with a look of pure confusion. He covered his mouth as a laugh leaked from it. Which by all means makes you even more confused.

"Yes, I'm sure. But just on off-hours, ya hear?" He smiled, lightly pushing your shoulder as he walked past you.

"Y-yes, sir!" You both went up getting your MREs. On the side, they had a package of tea bags, the water next to it respectfully. As well there is a brewer with a sign that reads coffee. You, being much more a tea person, gladly took a plastic cup and had your cup. John, on the other hand, had pure black coffee. As you sat down facing each other you could help but notice the stars in his eyes as he glanced at the coffee. If anything it was drop-dead adorable. As you both waited for the MREs to prepare themselves you decided to push what john told you earlier. "So John..." you coughed, hoping to release some on the nerves. He hummed back glancing down at you as he sipped his cup of dirty beans.

"Something on your mind (y/n)?"

"About that person, you talked about earlier. It-the one you love, can I ask more about them?" You glanced down, waiting to get scolded that it wasn't your place to know.

"Sure!"

"Sir, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked it definitely isn't-" you headshot to look at John as you realized the words that exited his mouth. "W-wait... really?"

"I mean, why not?" He smiled ever so innocently, "do you not want to know anymore?"

"It's not that... I just thought that's not really my place." You flash him a nervous smile as well a shrug of your shoulders. "But go on!" Your tone was almost eager, your heart yearned to hear this.

"Well.. she's a beautiful lass. Very strong-willed and kind." His face began to soften, you assume at the thought of the girl. "She just splendid to be around. She's smart, witty, and exceptional clueless..." he chuckled, facing off to the side.

"Do I know her?" You took a bit of your MRE. Which, by the way, was still piping hot. "Hot hot hot!!" You lightly banged the table as you swallowed through the pain. John smiled as he placed a hand upon his chin, pondering the question.

"I suppose you do, they are on the team." This caught you by surprise. You knew this person, and you trained with this person. The thought plagued your mind. Unaware of it, you were eerily silent as a checklist played through your head. John coughed, having taken bites from his meal, "look, you don't have to look further into it but if you do find out, I'll give you a promotion of sorts."

"A promotion? For something like this?"

"You'll see.." John smiled as he took his final bite. "Now I best be off, good luck." He stood, walking away from the table. Leaving you staring into the distance, dumbfounded. As you finished you knew that the other boys were up much later. Roach, for example, the man stays up all the time. Speed walking over to the barracks to see Roach outside on his phone.

"Gary! I have to ask you something!" He looked up and smiled sweetly.

"Sure! What could you need this late though?"

"Apparently the captain like one of the girls, do you have any idea who?" You spoke quietly as to not draw anyone else's attention. Roach was baffled at first at the weird question. Yet that baffled face soon became one that reads 'you can't be serious'.

"You are blind..."

"What do you mean?" You began to think it should be an obvious answer. But there are plenty of women as John described.

"Look... I don't know the captain personally enough to know for sure. But it's been kinda obvious for a while." Roach chuckled as his eyes returned to his phone, "I don't even think I have the balls to tell ya. How 'bout ask the lieutenant? He knows the captain like the back of his hand."

"Lieutenant Riley? Ghost? Do you know how weird that is? At least me and you, ya know, we are the same rank." You clutched your fist together, chills running down your spine at the thought.

"If I tell you, you probably, no, you WILL go ask the lieutenant anyways."

"Just tell me, Sanderson!" You grabbed the man, who is taller than you, by the collar of his shirt.

"It's you dumbass!" You stood there in silence. Some say your soul exited your body for a minute. Roach slowly moved your hands off his collar. "(Y/n)??"

"You're joking..." Roach shook his head. "Where is the lieutenant?"

"In the living quarter last I checked." Roach meekly voiced out, scared to once again get his collar grabbed. You walked in to see the lieutenant relaxing in the lounge area, his head in a newspaper. You quietly made your way over, as well as thinking of what the hell you would ask him. You found it painfully awkward to ask if your CO has a crush on you.

"You need something (y/n)?" He lowered his newspaper ever so slightly, his brown eyes staring coldly at you.

"Uh... y-yes I-I have a... question." You stared right back to him, the heat on your cheeks making you uncomfortable as hell.  He chuckled as he took one last look at his paper, folding it neatly. You could help but think did he already know you were coming here? I mean it wouldn't be surprising, due to the confrontation with Roach.

"Well, go ahead then. Ask away."  His  voice  seemed to mock you, not rudely of course. But it's as if he was teasing you.

"W-well sir, earlier this evening the captain g-gave me a challenge to... to.." you coughed the lump of nervousness in your throat was suffocating. As you once again open your mouth to speak the rest of your statement, Riley's deep voice chimed in.

"He dared you to find out who's he's crushing on, ya?" Your heart sunk down to your stomach. Of course he already knew... you feel the heat on your cheeks.

"Y-yes, sir... gosh this is embarrassing." You faced the ground, glancing up periodically.

"Well I'm assuming you want me to tell you who?"

"W-well sir, I originally asked Roach and well..." you coughed, trying your hardest to grow some balls, "He said it was me. I was just wonder if it t-true."

"I'll tell you two things alright?" You nodded as you took a seat across from him "one, he does. It's been quite obvious for a while. Two, he never shuts the fuck up about you.. god it comes to the point I hate being in a room alone with him."

"O-oh I-I"

"Just hurry up and get together already, that way he stops fucking going on about ya" you nodded did a 180 headed straight off.

"Y-Yes sir!!"

Just after, you sat at your bunk... you couldnt bring yourself to do it. Your mind was still processing it all in. Lieutenant Riley's word echoed in your ears. You yourself felt like you were floating, yet scared. "This must all be a dream, it too good to be true..." you pinched you arm, almost to the point of drawing blood. Eyes squint from the pain, and open to the same scenery as before. "What am I doing?" You stood and went to the mirror, slapping your cheeks. Squeezing your face together ever so slightly, "get yourself together (y/n), this could be the once chance!" You confidently went to the door. "Captain quarters are far... it shouldnt be difficult at all." You walked out briskly, closing the door quietly behind you.

You made steady pace to the captain quarters. You tried your hardest to keep your cool, you werent sure if it was working. Then again, it's rather late there really isnt many people around. You stood in front of the door. You have never been more scared of a door before.  You took a step forward, a deep breath, curling your hand to knock of the door. Before you could even knock the door opened and there stood the captain. "Oh (y/n), what got you out here so late at night?"

"I-I just N-needed..." your body shivered of nervousness, of course he would open the door right before you were ready!

"Look at you..." he spoke softly, grasping lightly at your shoulder. Placing another hand in the open air. "You're shivering like a you've been in the cold for awhile, come in." He slowly leads you in, even if you were at all cold (which you weren't) the heat from your face could probably keep you alive. You look up to him offering a cup of hot tea.

"Captain... I-im not cold..." you took the cup, taking in the aroma of the tea. "but I do appreciate the drink." It was calming actually.

"If you ain't cold, does that mean you're nervous? By what in god name has god cha nervous?" You place the tea upon the coffee table. You knew he was staring at you, yet you could stare back. Rubbing your arm shyly, a small cough to clear your throat. "Oh.... it's that challenge ain't it?"

You nodded, slowly lifting your head to see him. His expression was almost eager, perhaps hopeful? He held his own hands, twiddling with his own thumb. "C-Captain..."

"Please... Call me John." It was almost as he was begging just like a puppy. It took you by surprise but it's what you could atleast do.

"Okay, John," you chuckled. Cracking a small little smirk, butterflies already flying everywhere within you. "I-I like you too, I have for a while. Gosh, saying "like" is just an understatement. I've loved you for a while." You exhaled deeply, the weight in your chest seemingly lifted. John stood, sitting next to you. Wrapping you into a tight embrace.

"Congrats, (y/n). Are you ready for that promotion?" He spoke softly into your ear. Hunger, yearning plagued the tones of his voice.

"J-John what exactly is this promotion?" You moved his head back, cupping his cheeks. He smirked devilishly, slowly moving to cover your own cheeks.

"Well, of course. You're gonna be promoted to my girlfriend~" as he finished his sentence in a deep husky voice. He planted his lips upon yours, holding you close. It was heavenly, you didnt want it to end. His taste was hypnotic, sweet, hungry and full of passion and love. Time seemed to slow down and you couldnt care. Yet reality hit back always too soon. You two separate panting, staring longingly into eachothers eyes. "G-God I waited so long to do that..."

You panted quietly, holding your hand to his cheek. You sat and admired this moment, this moment will never happen again. "Well... I hope the wait was worth it." You laughed, pulling his head closer. Gifting him a small peck upon his nose.

"Oh definitely princess, definitely."

[nyan-koii]

Hashira ft. Sabito as genshin impact players

aunotes : Bad grammar ahead! I didnt proofread it so be aware of brain damage. plus i initially wrote it at the 1.6 update

PART 1 : T.Muichiro, R.Kyojuro, K.Shinobu, S.Sanemi, U.Tengen 

Muichiro : he probably would be uninterested at first. He's more to first person shooting game or anything other than this concept of farming or investing. So that's why when he saw yuichirou banging his fist on his desk, trying to get his fav character, he would simply just watch

"Fck this game, i've had enough,"

"But you havent finish your wishing things yet,"

Stares. "How about you give it a try mui. You might get the character i want,"

"You sure about that? You might get angry at me," "better than nothing. Now go go, get em you donkey,"

His first ten pulls on the game brings out a light we all want to see

"Eh is tha-" "AAAA A FUCKING 5 STAR FCK FCKFCK,"

Apparently, it was one of the luckiest wish yuichiro had ever seen so far

"OHMYFUCK, you GOT A GODDAMN KLEE, QIQI AND SUCROSE WTFF???"

"I think i get your fav character?"

"Yeahh!! More than that to be honest. I want klee but you brought me two more person," sniffles and cries "you're really lucky mui. You should try and play the game,"

"It's probably the system. I doubt im that lucky tho,"

Nah, he really is lucky. Apparently he wished for his friends and got what they all really wanted for so long

"Thank you for getting me the aquila favonia, muichiro,"

"It's nothing really. I just simply press the button. It might be the system that's giving you the thing you want when i wish,"

"But still, even if i were to wish, i can get really scared and paranoid over it,"

"That's bad. You shouldnt invest yourself that much in the game tanjiro. It's just a game,"

"Ehehehe, i guess so. But you're really good at it muichiro! If you download it, we can play together :D!"

!!!!

It took the word "play together" to get muichiro down on his knee for that game. Usually the idea of playing with your friends is not that interesting. So when tanjiro said that, you bet he's going to play it

Type of player

Extremely lucky it's not even real. He got a five star on the beginner's banner

Fast farming. He probably will complete all the quest and become an endgame player within one month

"I just wanted to play with tanjiro..." bashfully

He's really good with whatever he's doing. Attack combo, dodging, elemental reaction and all sorts of stuff. If he invest more of his time on artifacts, he would probably even one shot it!!

He's very lucky. Very

Kyojuro : he wouldnt even know the existence of this game. Well, he took a glimpse of it one day and boom, heart stolen. Maybe it was the fiery burning passion in bennett that made him play the game.

'oh wow!! What a determined young boy! Even though he has a very bad luck he still keep pushing forward! Amazing!!'

'I want to be like him'

Kyojuro's the type of player to read and pay attention to every single lore of his fav character. Bennett, oh my how he wish he could've had bennett in his team. Every wishes he made would make him a c6 bennett main if only barbara wont stop coming home

"I really like you barbara but i dont want you!! Thank you for the c6 though!! I promise to use you in the future but just-" he prepares to wish

"not NOW!!" Clicks

The highest con of bennett he had ever gotten is probably c1. One day the paimon's bargain shop offered bennett as their monthly character. Kyojuro had never been so excited over a game before. He usually perks up over academics and not this kind of thing. But it's bennett, the character he admires the most.

Unfortunately he couldnt get it due to low currency. He had never feel so sad in his life.

"I shall not give up. Dont worry, i will be a c6 bennett main!!!"

He will be a c6 bennett haver!!

Type of player :

Carefully reads every stories and listens to their lines attentively. He finds it amazing how the company spent their everything on this game. It amazes him. From the stories, lores and lines, he truly appreciates it.

Balance his team pretty well. He mains bennett so he doesnt need that much of a healer in his team.

Enjoys bennett's hangout very much!! He tried to not get him killed by the dungeon's trap but ended up having to sacrifice him which ultimately ends the route. He had never felt so down and guilty before.

Not much of a damage dealer. He prefers to play it in normal mode and doesnt care that much about one shotting monster.

He feeds his character three meals a day!! If only there's a sleep option, he would be sending bennett to sleep first before the rest.

Everyone loves his teapot

Shinobu : found the game while she's scrolling through the app store out of boredom. Initially she played it on her phone but due to the fps and a really bad ping, so bad that douma wouldnt find her interesting anymore, she finally downloaded the game on her pc where things has starting to get real

"Ara, shinobu chan, it's lunch time already. Come downstairs please,"

"Sis give me five more minutes, JUST FIVE PLEASE I NEED TO KICK CHILDE's ASS,"

"he's not going anywhere sweetie,"

"yEAHH BUT MY BP IS,"

'Bp?'

"DIE DIE DIE!!" Aggresive clicking intensifies

"Shinobu chan dont hurt the keyboard that much!!"

She got lucky on the beginner's banner too and pulled a 5 star along with bennett and noelle. Who's the 5 star? Diluc Ragnvindr in all of his glory. Shinobu benched him sadly. She prefers sword over any other weapon

"I mean he's cool i guess but i just really dont get that 'WOAHHH COOL' vibe from him you know?"

"then give your diluc to me! I really want him so bad shinobu chan!"

Deep sighs "yeah sure. You can have my c2 diluc mitsuri..."

Loses 50/50 to diluc everytime everyone would think she either is lucky or cursed by the amount of that man greeting him on the screen. She still bench him though, sadly

"Im begging you, give me jEANN THE GRANDMASTER I NEED HEALER iN MY PARTY TO DO ABYSS

Type of player :

Suffers a lot in the abyss because she just want the primos which is a valid reason to do because that's the only thing that keeps her going

She's a sword character main. She'll properly build every character as either support or dps. The support would be kaeya and bennett, and her main dps ayaka

Ayaka main btw

Honestly at some point she wanted to quit the game because of how tiring it is but then inazuma came out

Fragile resin = 0

Resin = 160/160 happens once in a blue moon

"i should probably control myself with the amount of resin i've used,"

"But i cant,"

Hates domain but always can be seen playing in there

Only coops if mitsuri is there

"So that someone can calm me down,"

"That's not a really good reason shinobu chan,"

Sanemi : dude probably know the game through obanai. He watched the latter play and finds it interesting on how high the numbers he dealt. He loves challenges so a game like genshin impact would probably satisfy his need.

"Obanai, are you hearing this shit?"

"What is it sanemi, im busy doing this event,"

"That loser giyuu is also playing the game,"

"Oh yeah i know,"

"YOU KNOW? WHY YOU DIDNT TELL ME??"

"i just know right after you told me,"

"...."

Sanemi's a meta but a mediocre one. He's meta but he doesnt show it that much. Probably buys welkin once in every three months or when he really needs it same goes with battle pass too. Honestly, he really just use his money when he really needs something

"Donno if my allowance can buy me a welkin so i'll probably skip,"

"But the next banner is zhongli's,"

"....."

"Ah fuck it," buys

My man cant dodge after he got zhongli. Its very painful because he used to studies the enemies movement in the early game so that he can utilizes it on the team but zhongli's shield is so tank he forgot that dodging exists

"Im gonna kill you and you and you hhahaahhaah just you wait im gonna shred all of yo- oh shit zhongli's shield. puT IT BACK PUT IT BACK ON,"

That one event where zhongli's shield plays an important role in the domain? Yeah, he felt like a god at that time. Even got his c2 on his rerun. Sanemi just really like zhongli because it kinda reminds him of himejima. Calm and wise and strong too. He looks up on that kind of person

"Zhongli sama, im in debt for all of your hard work protecting my team," bows and wipes tears

Type of player :

Spends a little money on the game to get what he wants

Zhongli main

Is that one player that has hoards of food but doesnt even use it

"Why need healer when you have zhongli's shield,"

Compare to kyojuro, he doesnt even touch the teapot because he finds it ridiculous and bothersome to create and design everything in it

Loves one shotting bosses and compares it to giyuu. He ask for advices from obanai regarding team build supports and stuffs

Doesnt do character's story quest. The key is full every single time. He unlocks it but leaves the quest like that.

"Ah shit, i accidentally activate the quest,"

His friend list only has obanai in it. Whenever people sent him friend request, he wouldnt hesitate, more like wouldnt care to accept it

They either have to coop in obanai's world or his world and after that, unfriend immediately

Says thank you after coop because he has manners and then completely disappears

"Zhongli main forever,"

Tengen : played since 1.0 this madlad has been staying loyal to the game ever since. Quite huge amount of money he spend on this game to be honest but he never gets broke by it. You can see his regular donation to the game by purchasing welkin and battle pass and some genesis crystal too. He's loaded with money, he didnt know what to do with it.

Uzui also plays honkai impact and guns girl Z so when he saw the unknown god at the intro , he was not surprised.

"Oh we have to pick between the siblings? Cool cool co- oh hi kiana,"

"Thats so herrscher of void hahahahah,"

Although he is a loyal fan to MihoYo games, he lost his composure when he saw the 1st genshin anniversary reward because what was that. Imagine getting billions of money and they give us this? Tengen cant believe this shit

"Oh god wtf was that reward, i have to draw to get a welkin and some primos?? aND I ALSO HAVE TO BE LUCKY? WHAT-"

"WHERE'S MY FREE MONA,"

In need of mona. He needs mona so bad he literally spent his money on standard banner to get mona but always ends up with qiqi. Not that he's complaining but he just wants the astrologist to complete the support team

"GOD QIQI YOU AGAIN? WTF WFF WTF-" converts genesis crystal to primigems

"Tengen, you should control yourself!"

"SHUT UP KYOJURO, IM GONNA WASTE MY MONEY TILL I GET HER,"

"yeah but my f2p ass is hurting with how many bennett cons you got," droops

Tengen sees potential in every character. Everyone has their weakness and strength so when kokomi comes out, he diss her at first but then realize maybe its a new way for a character. Adds the uniqueness if he may say so.

"Meh i dont care honestly. You guys should pull whoever you find nice or beautiful. Like me ;)"

"Who do you main uzui?"

"Beidou,"

Type of player

Spoils the storylines, lores, leaks A LOT THE REST HAVE TO BLOCK HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Speed runs the game and has become an endgame player ever since but he still does his daily commission and helps people with domains and stuffs

R5 every battle pass weapon

Fights azhdaha for fun and to test out his characters rather than ruin guards and stuff

Mona wanter

Puts traveller as the pfp and doesnt display any showcase of his characters and namecards. You can only see his achievements and spiral abyss ( 12-3 ). Says its for fun and mystery

Throws a lot of pickup lines and roleplays a lot. Spams your chatbox messages with stickers and censored stuffs

Probably steals your ores and exotic things like violetgrass, qingxin and silk flowers

Screams in the chatbox whenever he saw Mona until Kyojuro had to calm him down

Changes signature every single time and sometimes put spoilers in it

In every survey he would complain "MihoYo where the fuck is my Mona,"

Doesnt heals his characters

[chumpmagump]

24 things you've learned about your 24th year on this planet. 1. After having lots of trouble with love and loss, I've learned I will be ok. Remember you are growing into the woman you are are piece by piece.. reclaiming the person you were before the rest of them thought it was okay to take you away from yourself and you thought it was okay to let them. Many will come and go, but you dont have to lose a piece of yourself with them. Be strong, don't let them. 2. It is okay to love someone but not like them. It is okay to have compassion and empathy yet still hold your ground that you deserve better treatment. Compassion is not synonymous with lack of boundaries. 3. After talking to your therapist and doing some hardcore reflection you know you show traits of bipolar disorder or borderline personality. Your therapist thinks its bipolar, you're pretty sure its BPD.. this hurts because BPD is stigmatised to the shit house - you would almost rather have bipolar. You work in a hospital where BPD presentations are rampant and you diagnose them in your assessments a lot. Your coworkers like to say things like '' we got another borderline up in ED...'' as if its a massive inconvenience. You feel kind of weird being a 'quiet' borderline because you function quite well but know you have this fucked up secret that you keep from others for fear of judgement. Your behaviour isnt affecting your functioning enough to warrant a diagnosis. But that doesnt mean your experience isnt true. You're good at recognising when your triggered and where it originates from, and actively pull back more and more from impulsive decisions. You can sit with your emotion at times and you've stopped abusing phenergan and have been self harm clean for almost a year now? so yay for you regulating more of yourself! 4. You realise searching for validation only leads to experiences of invalidation. Stop doing it. 5. You're good at empathising to a point where you find it hard to be angry at others for long, you sometimes tolerate too much because you can reason with the persons reasoning for acting the way they are. You shouldnt mistake this for respect, because its not. You still need self-respect. 6. Making spontaneous choices has led to some new experiences, like changing jobs, moving towns, meeting new people. You've learned you've missed out a lot in your last 5 years of 20 hood because of fear of rejection/anxiety/ unsafe situation phobia. but now thats all you want to do, you fear staying static for too long more than you do change. You're ready for new exciting things. 7. Friendships matter way more than romance ever will. Build your friendships and you will always feel connected and OK no matter what the status of your dating life is. 8. Going for solitude car trips with your music blaring, singing meaningfully, on a road in the dark to no particular, with no particular deadline is your muse. You spend a lot of time in your thoughts and with yourself, and sometimes you imagine being in company when the loneliness hits. But funnily enough when company does finally arrive, you yearn for the space you had with yourself. Honour that time. 9. What you make of this life literally doesnt fucking matter. You will be born again. You will never get another chance to be in this body, with this family, with these friends, in this place, at this time though. Do whatever you can to enrich your experience and dont worry about if other people are having a better time. Concern yourself with your own experience. 10. You validate yourself. Stop asking your friends what you think you should do about a situation, dont feel the need to tell them every situaiton thats going on with you to hear their perspective. Listen to your own voice. You dont listen to her enough. 11. You dont actually have to put up with people being rude to you anymore, you can voice that things bother you. You're not quite there when it comes to friends you dont know too well.. or family you know blow up easily, but you're less of a people pleaser somewhat and i'm proud

of you for that effort.

12. You realise you need to stop seeking validation that others have hurt you. If it hurts it hurts. Simple as that. 13. Trust a person by their actions waaaaaaaaaaaay more than their words. And give a person 6 months. They tend to send their representative first for a while. 14. Sometimes you dream up people without knowing first who they are. Its ok to do this but don't be surprised when they dont fit the version you had of them in your head. Sometimes living in fantasy is far more intoxicating than what comes to fruition. Sometimes i wish i only knew some people for the period of time where they were warm to my heart.

15. Keep going to therapy, its doing amazing things and slowly but surely helping you change your procedurally learned patterns of behaviour including the desire and panic to want to fix social relationships that sometimes shouldnt be fixed. If someone did something shitty to you, and they are upset with YOU , for whatever reason- this does not mean what they did to you is void. It may even mean they are deflecting and gaslighting you. Get out of there and you know dont like goodbyes of any kind. so in this case slowly drop off contact. 16. people cant read your mind with how your feeling, so tell them.. what they do with that information is on them after that.

17. you dont have to take pictures of everything. You will remember the experience more if you dont. 18. Drink your damn coffee!! its not going to stain your teeth anymore. you are so diligent with your skin and teeth care, you deserve to live a little.

19. Dont have sex with friends, just dont. its messy.

20. Just because someone doesnt choose you, doesnt mean you arent good enough. It means they're blind, theyre not meant for you, or better doors are opening. Sometimes you need to shut a few doors for some to open. Trust the process. 21. Its time to start doing the things yu have said you were going to do for years. Its time to sign up for that dance class, its time to start writing again (and you have been!), its time to start stretching (and you have been!), its time to finish your courses (and you have been chipping away!). The best thing is you are so motivated right now to do all of these things. They no longer feel like words, they feel like happenings. 22. Your body and mind is so much stronger than you think. You are managing a 23 + caseload, and working across emergency and intake. You sometimes dont have a lunch break and work 9 hour days at times. You still have the ability to relay information and type notes at great speed, connect with clients at a great depth and come to eat, shower and have been dedicating time to study and friends. Your body is a machine, and you are so much more robust than you give yourself credit for. People look at you and see a small petite typical white girl, but you are strength! 23. You have learned sex can be a safe and very enjoyable experience this year very recently. Even though the partner turned out to be a careless character emotionally within the friendship, you were able to experience what it was like to be that connected with someone sensually in such an intense way which was a first for you. Now you know what kind of sex you like - well you always did but now you know it exists. Good for you.

24. You spend the most time by yourself with yourself. Validate your own experiences and try to interrupt the fantasy that you should be waiting for someone else to enhance or witness it. i know you like to think about what it would be like to sing in the car with someone next to you, or to laugh about a ridiculous vine and hear someone elses laughter drown out your own, or to dance around your house and have someone watch you in awe... but its okay to be your own witness. This is one is probably the hardest ones of them all... All you've ever wanted is to feel seen. You fantasize about it all time, you live in fantasy because atleast you can always feel seen there. You're not so sure if you put yourself out there you'll leave feeling more discarded and invisible than before. This way its safer. It's time to witness you. It's time for 25. A year full of spontaneity, new experiences, enhanced friendships, self validation and enormous growth.

It's finally time to stop hiding from people, pleasurable experiences and desire.

It's time for 25.

[ao731]

Ever since I was little, I’ve had trouble sleeping. At best I get 4 hours of sleep. And when I do get some REM sleep... my dreams are weird. I’m a believer that your dreams can tell you about yourself. But somethings...I think I’d rather not know.

I work in a hospital now. And as you would expect, its been stressful over the past year. Its caused me to have really intense stress dreams. With how absurd everything has been, sometimes when i wake up... i cant unravel what was real... what was a dream. Sometimes, I call out sick. Too disturbed.... just needeing a mental health day. So i figure i'll write it out here. Worst case, I get it off my chest. Best case, maybe someone can tell me what they think.

So last nights dream started in an apartment. Shaped like one i lived in as a kid. But with all the furniture and colors I’d enjoy as an adult. A pretty yellow kitchen table. A multi-colored rug. Big sailors chests and bigger sofa’s and beds. Cozy and lived in and warm. But I could feel it wasn't my apartment.I’d never been there. It felt so inviting and familiar but new and exciting. A place I wanted to be but hadn't had the chance before.

 I was invisible... sometimes this happens in my dreams. I'm watching from an audience perspective, but then it will switch to me being one of the "characters" of the dream. If I dont get to far into the dream. If its closer to one of those 4 hours of sleep days, then sometimes I can control it. 

So I’m invisible and I’m a man. I'm a bisexual cis-female irl but in my dreams I'm male sometimes. IDK why, I don't really stress my gender identity or sexuality much. Maybe I’m wrong about my labels but its w.e.. I dont try to change those things in my dreams. Sometimes I’m a woman, sometimes a man. Whats important is that usually in my dreams I’m fixing something. My waking life is always fixing something and it bleeds into the dreamscape. I realize that this is so unlike my usual dreams. There is no anxiety. No task. I’m just looking around this nice space and I’m at peace.

So I’m male this time and invisible. And I’m not the only one here. I realize there a man in the kitchen. I know him and I’m so happy to see him. I start watching my "boyfriend." But I don't have a boyfriend IRL. When I wake up later I will realize he looks like Kieran Culkin from Scott Pilgrim. I’ll find it strange bc I’ve never had a crush on him. Barely ever seen him. The last time I saw Scott Pilgrim, I was crashing at my sisters house. Nursing a New Year Hangover. We had drank wine and I hadnt had to fix a thing. Rare peace. When I’m awake I will think maybe that peaceful hungover feeling had something to do with it. That space of clinging onto a night of tingling skin and loose limbs and quietly watching a movie is why I’ve used this man’s face. 

So anyway, I’m invisi-stalking my boyfriend. Lets call him Not-Kieran. He's looking hella stressed. He knows I want to come over later to see him. Hes frantically cleaning. But in a way I’m comfortable with bc I come from a "We cant let anybody know we SIT" family yet we NEVER invite ppl over. Anyway, I’m watching him clean and I’m just so happy just looking at him. I’m amused at first that he thinks i deserve all the trouble of cleaning but then i start getting concerned for him. 

He's mumbling to himself. Smacking his palms against his head every so often. Apparently his coworkers and family are stressing him. Not-Kieran is not Out to them. This comes as a shock to me. It feels wrong hearing his secrets. But i stay invisible. i don’t choose this. i don’t have control over it. He wants our relationship to be more serious but cant tell anyone about me. he seems so upset and i want to comfort him. i don’t want to be invisible anymore but i cant become a character. Something is stopping me. Something does not want me to interfere. I can feel it in my chest. Something bad is going to happen. i stroke his face and tell him its ok. i love him and i don't need him to change things for me. i don’t want him to feel pressured. i want to tell him, that i just want him to be happy. but I’m nothing but a ghost to him.

Then Not-Kieran starts talking to someone at the door. I cant see them. But I know they are aggressive. I’m nervous and upset as they start to yell at Not-Kieran. From what i can make out they are saying he's becoming agoraphobic. How didn’t I realize this. Everything seems fine when we are together. But I have trouble remembering what together is really like. I just know for some reason this feels wrong. This feels surprising. The Man at the door knows something is wrong with my boyfriend. They know something before I do. How does he know when I dont. They know something is wrong with my boyfriend. But they don’t know what. They are tired of waiting to find out. 

They come inside and I still cant see their face. No. They dont have a face. Just a space where a face should be. A place I instinctively know I should not look at. They come inside and they are still yelling. Still aggressing by boyfriend. He’s accusing him of being sick. Or is my Boyfriend admitting he’s sick. I cant make sense of the argument. I get the impression that something is changing about Not-Kieran. He’s not physically different just something is dark in his eyes. Something is tilted in the way he holds himself. Something is sharp in the way he gestures with his hands. He’s not the gentle often worried person I know him to be. 

Then shit gets real.

Not-Kieran picks up a knife and stabs the Man Without a Face. He keeps going. There is blood everywhere. But there was blood there before. Why didnt I notice there was blood everywhere before. He wont stop stabbing him...then he stops using the knife....He starts using his hands....his teeth. There’s blood everywhere. My boyfriend is covered in this man’s blood and organs. He’s ripping into this man who knew something was wrong before I did. Then he stops. He stops and says “Oh not again” 

He pulls up the sunny yellow kitchen table cloth and theirs a body underneath. Warm. No. Not a body...body parts. He removes the cushions on the sofa and reveals more body parts. He doesnt open the chests. The freezer against the far wall. I know. I know whats in them. 

What happened to my boyfriend. I’m not repulsed by him. I’m not disgusted. There is blood everywhere but I keep trying to look in his eyes as he flutters around the room. Hands smack against the sides of his head. “Oh, not again...oh not again.” such a soft sweet voice. And why does it still feel like something bad is going to happen. That feeling in my chest. It wont go away. How could anything be worse then this? My boyfriend is a murderer. No, no. Something is wrong with him. Something changed him. I dont want to believe he could do this but his hands are covered in blood. I cant rub away the splatter across his cheek. The darkness has left his eyes but I know it could return. 

How can this be a surprise when somehow I know these old bones. Like flashes. Little movie clips, Sepia toned reels of eat part in the pile. Each person they once were. I know what he’s done. Know he’s been doing this for a long time. Somehow I know he eats them. Days after the kill, like a feral animal in the woods finding a carcass. Know the things he denies. He likes holding a piece thats cold against his tongue. He likes putting the pieces, the parts that used to be a person, into neat little piles and licking at warm blood. 

Until he remembers he’s a man. Until he remembers that something has happened to him. That he is diseased and he cant go out. Can’t go out and shouldnt invite anyone in. Ever. Until he remembers and he cries. The kind of cries that wrack his body. He pulls at his hair. Smears more blood across his cheek and he cries. Cries like a child. Wet and weak. Like his body is hollow and he cant stop. He cant stop crying he cant stop smearing blood. The blood is everywhere and it always has been.

His hair has grown out. It’s suddenly days later. I’ve never been invisible this long. Never been a ghost this long. Never had to witness someone else’s sins this long. Never been powerless to stop his hand from shaking. He’s sitting in a pile of body parts. Trembling, he chews on them. And lays them out into piles. Then changes the order of the pile again and again. Chewing, arranging, crying. I still want to tell him...It’s ok, I just want you to be happy. Maybe my body feels the horror, feels repulsed by him. Maybe my body is sick but I’m a ghost and I still love him.

He beings to speak again. Just the same small and sweet tone he uses with me. But he cant see me. Can’t feel me touch his face. He’s talking to someone else here. I turn and sitting on a chair is a corpse. Its dry and burnt black. Skin like a dehydrated mushroom. Yet wet in places like something pulled from a swamp. It’s hair is twisted and matted hanging limply around a shriveled face. Nude and yet it’s body is so barely recognizable. Was it a woman. A man. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. It has no hands or feet. Just gestures with its stumps as it answers him. It speaks to him so lovingly. I know this man...this creature...though I’ve never seen them before. They werent in the perverse reel of carnage and cannibalism. I know him anyway and I know they love him. Do they love him just as much as I do?

 They’ve been here the whole time. Saw him with the Man With No Face. Saw him with countless others. He’s been here the whole time. But I didnt see him. I didnt see the blood. I didnt see this man that loves my lover. But I get the impression that he’s seen me. That he sees me still. His eyes have no pupil no color. Just a midnight dark orb in a shrunken skull. But those eyes turn in my direction as he speaks to Not-Kieran. Speaks in a soft lovely voice. Soothes him til he stops crying and beings to clean up the piles that were ppl. Speaks calmly and warm as my boyfriend rubs blood off his cheek.

The Shriveled man in the chair knows I still love him. He knows I know his secrets now. Knows I will be by this afternoon just for the chance to touch his face.

[polyamorous-mysme]

What's your opinion on Jimin and V? They both infuriate me because of the way they handled things in the routes. I think Jimin gets a little bit better at the end of his route, but V doesn't seem too. He doesn't tell Saeyoung about his brother, just shows up one day Saeran in tow and is just like 'I'm back'. Even if Saeran didn't want to go back yet, he could at least told Saeyoung what was going on.

tbh most of my opinions on every mm character is that you just have to completely disregard how Normal ppl would act given that the plots of mm are so wild and unbelievable. on the other had though i get why people have qualms w certain characters for how they handle the plot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ eso si que es

But. as far as jumins route goes i think they just fucking did him dirty w it. with the second bad end/chats leading to it especially. I know it sounds weird to say given that it's his route but those few days are so fucking OOC for jumin. i mean I'll find my own ways to rationalize it bc it Can be rationalized if you care to, but not everyone will. because its fucking weird. not even the end itself but jumin leading up to it.

that being said i LIKE jumin and i like his route save for that. jumins hidden or has Had to hide his emotions and opinions his whole life. his father frequently brings new women in and out of his life, one of the only two people hes ever been able to trust has just committed suicide and he feels like he doesnt even Know either of them anymore, and then MC comes along getting him to open up making him Trust them again and hes worried something similar is going to happen. yeah yeah cat ran away whatever but to ignore what its ACTUALLY about is impossible. rika was one one of the only people and the only Woman he really trusted wholeheartedly as an equal and shes dead the cat she gave him is missing and being overprotective of MC is his one way of gaining control again. if I couldn't rationalize that though it absolutely would have skeeved me out from the get-go, though. so im not surprised Or affronted by the fact that ppl find it irredeemable ig.

now V. V is an even weirder story. he clings to rika from the moment they first met because dont ask me why. i dont know why. is she supposed to remind him of his mother? weird. is he genuinely just that nice of a person? probably. and rika is fucked. rika is traumatized and has been since young childhood. she suffers from what someone who doesnt experience delusions thinks delusions are or how they feel. whatever. and V loves her So Much that if she wont GET help he wont force her so hes going to do whatever He can to help her. until it goes really fucking wrong.

and let's all just be honest and say everything about seven and saeran and especially their backstory doesnt make sense. it ABSOLUTELY hinges on suspension of disbelief. but there are some aspects that do make sense. the stronger older brother in an abusive household is trying to keep himself And his sickly younger brother safe and sane. stumbles across v and rika and we already know mm doesnt Quite take place in our world as we know it and i know fuck all about typical korean life and families so I couldnt tell you why they didnt report their home life to the authorities from the get go. also this whole thing doesnt fucking make sense bc seven and saeran look like MAYBE 10 at this point and V is only 5 years older than them max but him and rika have obviously been together for a while and are Adults here. doesnt track. timeline dont make sense. angway.

but the way I see it is rika had Already started to plot mint eye yadda yadda here and knew that if the boys were separated she could control seven publicly as the stronger twin in a way that makes it seem like they're helping and protecting them both, they just have to be separated. seven can roll w the loneliness and grief of having to leave his brother behind as long as it means hes safe. and w saeran, she can use that same grief and loneliness to manipulate him a different way. behind the scenes. create her perfect believer who will do Anything she says because she saved him, why shouldnt she save everyone else? and j think by the time V realized just how bad rikas mental state was it was too late to Fix it. but he loved her he loved the RFA and the RFA loved rika. he didnt want to taint or tarnish her image w the reality of who she is what shes been doing etc.

after that it's a series of unfortunate events and fucking stupid decisions v thinks hes making for the good and sanity of everyone else. hes given himself a "I'm not a hero i just Have to bear all this by myself forever and fix it alone with no help and save Everyone in the end" complex that sure is with great intentions but leads down a rabbit hole of hurt and fuckery that he cant fix. ever. and I think he was worried about telling seven about saeran because if he had he KNOWS seven would have gone after him alone. and he would have been hurt or killed or worse. he would have been. and V was still trying to save whoever he could. save rika and Hope he could save saeran? save saeran and Hope he could save rika? who knows. I dont. I think V had the BEST intentions. i do. i think he was just a bit of a Rudely untrusting dumbass carrying them out.

but that's what mm is. MC is the character that is meant to push the characters into healing from their fatal flaw. yoosung is slipping from success because up to that point hes hinged his entire future on his older cousin. zen. i dont remember. has to find a happy balance between shooting for the stars but not hiding himself or who he is while doing it? something gay like that. jaehee pushes herself too hard to be successful. to not be a burden. to be financially and socially stable and safe above her own happiness. jumin is cold and untrusting and hides himself because the last time he wasnt/didnt, he got Hurt. seven is the same gay shit as jumin and zen with the added bonus of needing to learn that mc can make their own decisions wrt danger. v needs to stop carrying the world on his shoulders. saeran . . . needs to heal. learn that his life is not intrinsically tied to the lives of others and he can still love people but be his Own person, whole and healed. whether or not you the individual player believe that by the end of the route theyve gotten their first real step in the right direction is up to you.

anyway stream room 206 ep by elah hale on spotify.

[moondustis]

swang my way (m)

pairing: wong yukhei+ reader genre: smut word count: 2k summary: yukhei held his phone with one hand and a dumb look on his face. he had been looking at that picture since the moment you sent it, only stopping to reply to it. of all the things he was expecting you to reply to the vine compilation he had sent you with, a nude was the last one in the list

one of the certainty you have in your life is that if you asked someone to describe your personality in a few words, spontaneous would not be one of them. every action you made always involved a lot of thought and previous considerations. you hate changes and doing things out of nowhere, maybe because you are afraid of dealing with unknown situations or because you are just a creature of habit.

that’s why you think you are absolutely going crazy when you stand in front of a mirror, with nothing but the cutest pair of lingerie you own, ready to take a picture for you boyfriend.

it’s maybe not that big of a deal to some people, sure. but you, the virgin that sometimes blushed when her boyfriend touched her ass, had never done anything like this before. and yukhei hadn’t even ask sfor a sexy picture or anything, the last thing he texted you five minutes ago was about how good vine compilations were.

a wave of both excitement and anxiety hits your body when you kneel on the floor in front on the mirror, doing your best to mimic the pose from the pinterest picture you found. it’s not a bad view, you think to yourself, with the way your baby pink bralete makes your boobs look and how they match the soft red lipstick you applied.

you take a lot of pics with all the poses you could think of and, after laughing at how weird some of them look, you decide that looks good and natural enough.

your heart feels like it will jump out of your chest when you lay in bed and open your chat with yukhei. your minds goes through all the reasons you shouldn’t do this while you type and delete ten different texts.

after half an hour you decide on sending something that resembles a meme, because yukhei would like that.

you:

open for a surprise

you:

*attached picture*

you feel your heartbeat get faster and you have to put your phone away to try and make the dreading feeling in your stomach go away. you weren’t worried that yukhei would react badly, he was always sweet and made you feel special. no, you were more worried you were making a fool of yourself, that your attempts of looking sexy were a complete fail.

your thoughts are interrupted by the notification sound of your phone and if your heart wasn’t this fast already you are it would burst out of your chest. the sound doesn’t stop until you pick up your phone to see the notifications from your boyfriend.

yukhei:

assdffjsjjahdoaksskk

yukhei:

oooooooooh mY GOD

yukhei:

holy umfuckkkkkkk

yukhei:

damn baby u are so hot what did i do to deserve thisss

yukhei:

i feel like im about to die fuckk

knowing yukhei you fully expected him to overreact, so the blush that takes over your face is not that extreme. you still giggle at your phone, excited over how excited he seemed about the picture.

you:

stop

you:

im ao embarrassed

so*

yukhei:

noo u shouldnt be

yukhei:

i liked it a lot

you:

im glad u did

❤️

yukhei:

😍❤️😍❤️😍❤️😍❤️😍

yukhei held his phone with one hand and a dumb look on his face. he had been looking at that picture since the moment you sent it, only stopping to reply to it. of all the things he was expecting you to reply to the vine compilation he had sent you with, a nude was the last one in the list. it wasn’t even a nude, just a picture of you looking cute in matching underwear  but that was enough to get him in his feelings.

did he overreact? yes, maybe. but it was a surprise, he never thought you would ever send him something like that. you were usually shy and every time kisses between the two of you would get a little more heated, you would back off leaving him most of the time with a fully hard on and only his imagination.

it didn’t upset him, of course. he understood and respected that you weren’t ready for it. but sometimes his mind would be too much and he would wish so desperately for you to finally let, and want, him to do all the things his imagination came up with.

maybe, just maybe, this was a small step for you that was meant to show him you were ready for things to move a little forward. his heart raced at the thought of that.

yukhei:

so was this like an invitation to sext?

you:

no omg

i never even did that

yukhei:

oh lmao

okay

i mean i would be down to that if u wanted

like super down

😉

you:

lmao of course u would

but really i have no idea how to even do that

yukhei:

it’s pretty simple

like

what r u doing rn?

you:

glad u didnt ask what i would be doing if u were here rn

yukhei:

lmao

cmon im not that cliche

you:

so, right now im just laying in bed and texting u

wbu?

yukhei:

same... and thinking about what i would be doing if i was there with u

🤪🤪

you:

jfjffndvkkgdjj stfuuuuu

yukhei:

but fr

tell me

are u still wearing that lingerie or did u just put it on for the picture

you:

i am

*image attached*

his heart is not beating as much anymore but he can still hear it in the silence of the room. the other photo you sent was raunchier than the other, more spontaneous, it shows only your torso and it’s sinful how the baby pink lingerie makes you look almost angelic. like you came down to this earth to ruin him.

he doesn’t know if it’s just the picture or the whole thing of you doing this for him, but he can feel himself getting hard. still, he doesn’t touch himself just yet, hand wandering and stopping just above his waistband.

yukhei:

oooooooh god

u look so hot baby

u drive me crazy

im not even kidding i really wish i was there with u right now

you:

what would you want to do if u were?

yukhei:

fuck so many things

u have no idea how many fantasies i have with u

you:

tell me

ur favorite

it’s hard to pick a favorite. even more so now that he’s got something to upgrade his visual material. he likes imagining you riding him on the small he and mark got for their dorm when they moved in, a hand on your neck because ever since you told him it was sensitive, he couldn’t stop imagining what it would be like to choke you. sometimes he imagines fucking you in a bathroom at a party because you just couldn’t wait until you got home, and everyone knows how well he’s doing it because you can’t keep quiet.

but the best one will always be the one you are on your knees, eyes staring up at him like you’re begging for him to fuck your mouth. it’s not the most scandalous thing but it gets him going like nothing else. just thinking about it has his dick twitching in his pants.

yukhei:

i like imagining u on ur knees

looking all obedient and pretty for me

you:

oh my god

yukhei:

and u let me fuck ur pretty mouth

like the good girl u are

you:

i

i would like to do that

“fuck” yukhei mutters and his hand automatically slides inside the pants and just a touch on his dick has him shivering. you said you wanted it, you wanted to make one of his fantasies come true.

slowly sliding his fist up and down his dick a couple time he decides it’s too much and not enough at the same time so he makes a bold move. clicking on his phone with one hand he goes to his contact list and clicks on your phone number.

the continuous wait sound makes him slightly nervous. the anticipation of hearing your voice right now, like this, making his insides warm.

“h-hi” is what you say after picking up and maybe it’s his mind playing tricks on him but your voice sounds a little breathless.

“hey, baby.” he says “i’m sorry i called i just really wanted to hear your voice.”

lame, that’s what he is.

“it’s okay, i’m glad you did.” he can’t help but giggle at your words.

“you’re perfect.” his hand is still moving lazily and he feels a bit ashamed for doing this when you sound so innocent. “and you drive me crazy, you have no idea.”

he wants to ask you for another picture, a video even, anything that shows him exactly what you are doing right now, but he assumes that would be too much. so he contents with the way your sounds are making him feel, the little moans that you let out are still shy even though you’re alone in your dorm room.

“tell me what u are doing, angel.” he almost begs and it takes a few heartbeats for you to finally reply.

“i’m... i’m touching myself.” is your reply and even if he suspected it, hearing it from you has him tightening h

is fist just a bit.

“how do you like to do it, huh? do you do it slow?”

“uhmm, i like to start slow and pick up the pace when it gets too much.” your voice is shy and it definitely sounds breathless right now. he moves his hand and up down, biting his lips with so much force that he’s sure it’ll be bruised tomorrow.

“do you like fingering yourself?” he asks and imagines what you would like with your legs spread open and two of your fingers inside of your tight cunt. he lets out a breathy moan.

“yeah, i do.” a moan just as loud as his leaves your mouth. “but i can barely fit two fingers inside, it’s to much.”

“fuck, fuck.” the speed of his hand just goes faster and faster, his whole body feeling electric. “i bet you are going to feel so tight around me, and so fucking good.”

the words just start coming out of his mouth and he can’t control it. doesn’t want to with the way you’re moaning for him, begging for something you can get just now. pleads of his name that make him feel on cloud nine.

he spreads the pre-cum that gathered around the tip of his cock and starts pumping faster, imaging he’s fucking your pussy instead. “i can’t to finally fuck you, babe. i wanna feel you around me so fucking bad, make you come all over my dick.”

“oh my god, holy shit i’m about to-“ and then you are coming with a long whine that sounds a lot like his name. he imagines what your face would look like right now, all blissed out and your body shaking from your orgasm.

he comes a heartbeat later, hand speeding up only to slow down again. he comes so hard that not only does he see stars, but he also feels them sparkling all over his body. “fuck” is all he manages to say.

you’re both trying to catch your breath and for a while it’s quiet besides that. he feels content and assumes you do too if the giggle you let out is any indication.

“i can’t believe we did this.”

“me neither.” he replies “i’m so glad you sent that photo.”

“me too” you say, your voice sounding like it does when you’re smiling. he desperately wishes he could kiss you right now.

“feel free to like send more anytime you want.”

you hum, like the idea pleases you. “we’ll see about that.” and then you’re hanging up.

yukhei:

not even a sleep well my baby thank u for the mind blowing orgasm?

im offended

you:

lmao u are so lame

goodnight my baby thank u for the average orgasm 😘

yukhei:

AVERAGE???

didnt sound like that to meee

...

baby

BABY

was it really not mind blowing

?

you:

go to sleep yukhei

yukhei:

ugh ok

goodnight sleep well my angel from above

😘😍❤️😍😘

[itsthatsillygoose]

Kit, a raggedy ass analysis

I wrote an analysis of forthbeam last week and y'all we're dragging the others to hell saying they weren't as complex so let me prove you wrong starting with Kit ft. a lot of Ming. If u want my summery Mingkit analysis it's the last paragraph on this post but I'll post it separately too:

Something that really intrigues me about kit is his capacity for other people’s attention. We see through out the first series that Beam is quite a ladies man and is seen many times trying to hit on the stars of the university but for Kit this is rare. Aside from Pha, Beam and Forth, Kit is rarely seen interacting with anyone one else closely and think that speaks volumes of his personality. He may be stubborn and sometimes aggressive but I think deep down he's compensating for a lack of security, all he really wants is that resounding feeling of safety and he finds that with in the tight knit friendship between him, Beam and Pha; and perhaps that’s what makes his relationship with Ming so infatuating.

Ming is the very definition of what Kit seems to avoid, he is bold and loud, clumsy with his feelings, a stranger. He's a player and doesn't need that sense of security like the other which seemed to be the biggest red flag to kit during their development. Imediately when the two first properly meet there’s a sense of surprise from the shorter when he finds that Ming still remembers him, and straight away he throws up his guard. Through out at least the series so far it's almost like Kit wants himself to hate Ming or at least he feels like he should; he knows Ming is everything he seeks to avoid and so he tries to act accordingly. He constantly seems frustrated around him but rather than being agitated by Ming, I think what's really bothering him is himself and the way he can't help but yearn for these moments of having the other around. Doesn't make sence right? Surely he'd be happy if he actually wanted to see him? Well you'd figure, but perhaps it causes Kit such anguish as he knows while having Ming around he loses control and he doesnt want to give him self the oppertunity to get to know him or like him as even just a friend,,, and so instead he snaps at him. Again I think this was a really subtle and lovely way of displaying Kits issue; he truly is an increadible example of head vs heart.

I loved looking deeper into these two as they appear to have such a typical dynamic of cat and dog, but I really think the second series explored so much deeper into their personalities and character. I think what is really being portreyed by these two is so much more than just a spunky journey of two boys in love. Really I think that we delve into dealing with the concept of searching for trust and a sense of clarity in not only someone else but yourself too. I do think that kit is perhaps the “protagonist’ of this idea. Ming is very much the big scary monster in the dark for him. Whether Kit had had partners before or not I'm unsure but I think the reason why Ming really affected him so incredibly was that he’d never been loved in such a way, so shamelessly and intensely, especially by someone like Ming. Someone he’s so unalike in so many ways. Really I think their arch isn’t about Ming breaking into Kit's abrasive character but rather Kit searching for truth and a reason to believe in ming and the insecurities on both ends of that.

We see many times that kit is appalled by Mings ways, for example the way ming had so many ex partners, this was such a big piece information to just be brushed over; infact its exactly what knocked kit so far from feeling like he could reach out and grasp onto Ming. Again referring back to before, I think kit really yearns for a sence of safety in everyone he brings close to him, a place to relax, someone he can trust enough to not hide behind his front; he doesn’t care to be played with or used so seeing that ming would throw away his past relationships so readily perhaps triggered that insecurity as he rightly so doesn't feel that sense of security with ming. He appears unpredictable to Kit, almost as if he throws his feeling around carelessly, but we know this isn't true and that in fact Ming is increadibly predictable.

We see more of this when Kit storms away at the beach telling ming to stay where he is (which he does). Personally this is still one of my favourite scenes as it's fucking bursting with emotion and crammed with developing concepts i've already mentioned but it really does just get me every time. There's so much to unpick, it really was the turning point for the two- at least in my eyes. It admittedly does just appear as if Kit got short tempered and barked at Ming who then got upset and sulked, but really the scene is a lot meatier. It was really a big eye opener for kit as though neither of them spoke about what happened, it really felt like they both knew Ming was proving to kit that he takes his word seriously, and isn't afraid to commit to him. Kit seemed guilty when the scene returned to him and the others drinking but when Ming was dragged in by another friend Kit seems shocked realizing he probably would have sat there all night if it had played out that way. Maybe he assumed ming had gone back to his room but the fact he didnt was such a slap in the face. I love this cause Ming stares at him sadly, knowing full well he's proven a point. Kit knows he's upset Ming and realises that rather than Ming not taking the idea of a relationship seriously, perhaps he himself was the one dismissing any chance of something real, some clarity. Maybe he was his own scary monster in the dark. He knows full well that Ming is harmless or else he wouldn't have appeared so guilty when returning to the hang out without him.

The whole beamkit scene where beam pulled a doozy on us and pretended he and kit were dating is another obvious telling of his character, (nines expressions in those few seconds were fucking ace btw, the absolute utter panic swirling into sorry eyes, then a punch in the gut and finally regret) in those few moments alone its obvious that he knows he's done Ming wrong, but if you really look closer there's a whole ugly ass betrayal hiding in there. In the chat they just had in a prior scene, Kit makes a point out of not wanting to get hurt by Ming leading him on only to ditch him for another person, but what did kit just do to Ming? Huh?¿?? Exactly, its easily missed but it's an awesome detail i picked up when diving into this and i have to say it was another perfect example of Kit being flung between head vs heart. Kit's been trying so hard to get Ming to use his head rather than his heart, but by using his own head to try and protect him self Kit's only gone and done the exact thing he was so afraid happening to himself to Ming. I think realising this he understands that even though they're so different and worlds apart, they're both just dumb fucking humans and he shouldnt be so hard on Ming, especially when Ming's been nothing but loyal and honest. Perhaps Kit is scared of committing but he's projecting that onto Ming because he doesn't want to admit it, he only sees what he wants to see because thats all he knows after putting up a front for so long when ever his emotional well being is threatened.

Honestly Kit's really just been his own problem this entire show and he really ought to sit the fuck down and let him self live 👏🏻

Thought it was endearing when he took Pha out so he could get drunk. Obviously getting wasted to forget your problems isn't particularly endearing, but like i said about Beam last week, it makes him feel more human. Especially when Beam shows up acting like the whole beamkit couple thing was a joke (when it clearly wasn't) and Kit's just like fuck you you're so annoying. Smh he really is boo boo that fool. He's just so completey oblivious that his best friend in the entire world is head over heels in love with him, so gullible just believing what ever the fuck anyone says. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt seen as he was drunk but Idk it just tickles me that he's always so tense and always so on guard yet the level of dumbassery is just,,,, how's he gonna be a doctor when he's literally a raw nerve on fucking legs. Bless.

He really lets things bother him, but he's much more readable than beam which we know even just from Phana knowing right away what was up. The fact he hid from Ming when Ming entered the bar(?) too really emphasized how completely not as hard as nails he is despite how he tends to act tough. Thought that was a sweet detail in unravelling Kit's personality and how Ming seems already to have completely knocked his walls down; Kit's not even trying to act like he's unaffected anymore.

We all joke about Beam being an emotional wreck but fr kits really not that far behind. He deals with everything horribly and always seems to make shit worse for both himself and Ming. He just wants what's best for everyone but sometimes that's harder than it looks and he really proved that. He goes into panic mode if Ming so much as breaths in his direction which actually does the complete opposite of intended as rather than seeming tough and cold, it just shows Ming that Kit's easily flustered around him, EG, HE FUCKING LIKES HIM, KIT JUST WRITE IT ON YOUR FOREHEAD AT THIS POINT. He thinks he's so mysterious fr, boy the whole world and it's goldfish has you sussed, who do you think your fooling with that attitude?

Can't not mention the kiss and how sweet that was on Kit's end. After all that mess and acting unaffected, as soon as he sees Ming move towards him he imediately melts back into his big softie boyf as if he'd been waiting a life time to kiss him. He literally called him a 'bastard' seconds before, if that ain't some sort of chaotic then what the fuck is he. Jkjk, back to the point, Kit does this thing where he lies to him self, C O N S T A N T L Y. He's forever telling himself that he's in control, he's forever telling himself that Ming's out to get him, he's forever acting as if he doesn't want anything to do with Ming, but this scene was so satisfying cause it really just ripped everything he'd been pretending to be from right underneath him. He kissed Ming so readily and for the first time in the relationship he actually seemed put together and calm and in control. He's never known what to do with Ming's attention yet here and now with his lips on his all he could do was reach out and grasp on to his 'scary monster in the dark' (Side note i absolutely fucking adore how Kit's gone from being so rough and brash with Ming to being so ridiculously shy after the kiss. I think it's forced him to face facts and he finally realised there was no point in keeping up his walls. Ming knows now, theres no need. It's sweet showing his vulnerable side for once, this is some healthy character development i can get behind.)

You'll have noticed this gradually got less formal and is slowly making less and less sense. That's because as i'm writing this it's 5:40am and the brain juice is running low but the next bit should be a pinch more coherent sorry,

What i love about Kit and Ming's relationship is the whole role reverse as the series progressed. At the beginning we see Kit, part of a solid group of friends and he's comfortable and confident where as Ming's just a new student at the university, finding his feet. We expect him to perhaps be naïve or immature, and yes he's a little clingy but really Ming is one of the most stable characters going and exactly what kit needs despite how he first appeared. Not once has Ming changed his goal of pursuing kit, not once has he fucked up, not once has he ever panicked. Ming- even though he's sulky- is really quite mature with his dealing of Kit. He's honest and really does what ever he can to make it work. I loved the example of this where he backed off after the kiss. It was so so sweet considering how clingy he usually is, and it really shows he takes great time and contemplation when considering Kits feelings and that he has a really deep understanding of how Kit's mind actually works and how he may react. He backs off knowing Kit likes his space and that maybe he over stepped the line pretending to be black out drunk, but again i really love this as this creates that safe space and feeling of clarity that i keep bringing up as it meant kit could reach out in his own time and really come to terms with things without any pressure. It meant that for once Kit would have to make the move to communicate and take a step in their relationship and i think for Ming to take that initiative to really somewhat place their fate in Kits hands for a while was really quite sweet and mature of him. We stan our emotionally healthy engineering boys fr. We come to realise by now that perhaps Kit is actually quite bashful and somewhat of a baby dear when it comes to emotions, charging head first into anything but initially losing his footing right off the get go. But Ming is stable, he is collected and cool and surprisingly gentle. Its really quite tell tale that kit spoke so much about ming maybe lacking in commitment when really he was the one too afraid to commit, he was clearly insecure. This arch really was kit heavy and though i already said what i think their arch focuses on, i just want to add that it also explores growth and becoming a better person because of a relationship. They bounce off eachother in such an interesting way, and so intunely that they cant help but work. Kit never knows what to say or how to approach ming but its okay, Ming has that covered and always comes to find him. Ming's very flirtatious, and kit and easy to fluster. Kit needs time and Ming is patient. All these little north and south traits really just pull together and i love how these two were written with such harmony. I know I've delved way deeper than was ever intended for these characters but i think we shouldn't take for granted the complexity of such a wonderful thing.

This is the reason why i think 2moons2 is miles ahead of 2moons the series. Aside from the cringe music, over dramatic zooms and lingering shots which can sometimes make it difficult to watch, 2moons2 really seeks complexity in each character and i admire that itch to bring them to life as i feel 2moons was increadibly 2D in this aspect. I only really believed in Kit when i watched that series, but 2moons2 really forces you to believe and invest in every main character and i just think as someone who writes that it's rather lovely.

What are your thoughts? Do comment if you have time, I'd love to hear more on these two :)

[watchmegetobsessed]

Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 12

yoooo im back with a new part!! okay this sounded like im a shitty rapper.. im really losing my shit lately over school but whatever... anyway, enjoy! shower me with your thoughts!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10  - Part 11

I’m an emotional wreck when I get into the car and Nick greets me with a friendly smile. The silence is comforting, though I miss the country music Shawn used to play every time he was in a good mood.

I’m not a nail biter, but I nibble on them as we are getting closer and closer to Shawn’s place and I’m trying to come up with a plan on how I want to do it. Should I just blurt it out or should I build it up properly like a speech that ends with me telling him that he is going to be a father?

None of the options seem to be right, so after a while I give up and decide to just go with the flow.

When Nick rolls into the garage my nerves are exploding and my hands are shaking when I get out of the car. I take the elevator and I feel like my stomach was left in the garage when the elevator moved up.

The door opens and I walk into the familiar apartment. I hear his singing voice coming from the kitchen even before I could see him and it immediately brings a smile to my lips. I don’t know what I was expecting to see or how I imagined our first meeting after our emotional goodbye, but it feels… normal.

I walk into the kitchen and he looks up at me from the instant soup he is making and a wide smile dances to his beautiful face. He looks just as handsome as I remembered, his hair is now a bit longer, a curl is dancing on his forehead with every movement, but it’s beyond adorable. I have to fight the urge to curl it to my finger.

“Hi!” he greets me and stepping closer he pulls me into a hug, and I feel like I’m finally safe and home.

“Hi,” I whisper against his hoodie as I wrap my arms around his waist. Smelling his scent makes is even harder to peel myself off of him when it’s long over the friendly duration for the hug. “Instant soup, huh?” I ask hoping to make myself forget about the aching pain in my chest that I’m feeling now that he is standing next to me again.

“I don’t have lunch or dinner dates anymore, so I’m more often stuck here alone. And I’m still not a chef,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“Ordering is still an option, you know?”

“I… haven’t been quite in the mood to talk to strangers, not even a delivery guy,” he mumbles anxiously as he puts a spoon into the soup and stirs it. Steam is dancing above the bowl indicating that it’s still pretty hot, so he doesn’t attempt to taste it, just lets it sit on the counter.

I can relate to how he is feeling and I’m surprised he shared this detail with me. I was afraid he would be distant and sullen with me, but his honesty is calming me.

“Do you want a glass of wine or something?” he asks walking over to the fridge. I almost say yes immediately, some alcohol would definitely work for me, but then I realize that I can’t. Because there is a teeny-tiny baby in my stomach now.

“Um, no thank you,” I shake my head and watch him grab a water for both of us.

“So, not that I’m rushing you, but I’m really curious about what you wanted to talk about.”

We make ourselves comfortable on the couch and I feel my anxiety coming over me. I have no idea how to do it, but I can’t just blurt it out. I need time to think.

“I… I’ve been missing you.”

He gives me a doubtful look and I’m afraid he can see through me, but then he doesn’t question if this was my original intention. But I start talking again just to be sure.

“I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I just couldn’t get you off of my mind. I know I was the one who wanted to end everything, but… I guess I can’t do it.”

I feel horrible. I should have told him straight away instead of talking bullshit. Well, okay, it’s not bullshit, it’s true, I’ve been missing him as hell, but this is not why I came here.

He runs his hand through his hair and I think back of the time I used to do this without a second thought. Now I’m sitting next to him with a decent gap between us, so our legs can’t touch.

“I missed you too, Naya. So much. But… what do you want to do? I mean… I’m happy to start seeing you again, but we have to figure this out, how we want to make it work.”

I nod with a blank stare and I don’t know what I can say. If I don’t tell him about the pregnancy test I’m just fucking everything up, making him believe things are turning right and we can start over again, when truth is, everything is about to turn upside down.

For my luck, his phone starts ringing somewhere in his room and he excuses himself rushing into the room to answer the call.

I growl angrily as I reach for my bag and grab the test. I stare at it and can’t help but grimace. What am I doing here? I can’t ruin his life, I was the stupid one who forgot to take the pill, so it’s all my fault. A child would blow up his whole life and I can’t put up with the thought of messing everything up for him. I shouldn’t have come here.

I jump when I realize he is walking out of his room and in my sudden confusion I tug the stick to my coat’s pocket hiding it as I jump to my feet. I have to leave before I fuck something up.

“Where are you going?” he asks with raised eyebrows.

“I-I gotta leave. I’m sorry.” I mumble nervously as I head to the elevator, but he grabs my arm and… and everything happens too fast.

His grip is not too hard, but it’s strong enough to pull my hand out of the pocket and the stick slides out with it as well. It falls to the floor and the clinking makes me jump. I totally freeze right at that moment, giving Shawn the chance to reach for it.

As I watch him pick the test up from the floor I hold my breath and pull my shoulders up, as if I’m afraid he is about to explode. He hold it between his fingers, stares at it for the longest few seconds before his eyes slowly move up to my face. I’m biting my lips, feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.

Why didn’t I put the damn test back into my bag? Why am I such an idiot?

“Shawn, I-“ I start, but I don’t get to finish, he cuts me off.

“Is this yours?” he asks in a firm voice. I nod.

“I took it this morning. I threw up last night and realized I’ve been late for over a week, so I bought the test and…”

“Did you do it on purpose?” I hear his next question and the words freeze to my tongue.

“What?” I manage to say.

“Did you get pregnant on purpose? Were you planning on it?”

His expressions are hard, he seems mad and it’s scary to see him like this. I didn’t want to upset him and his questions catch me off-guard. I stare at him in disbelief, but it soon turns into anger. How can he think I did this on purpose?

“Sure, I thought it would be fun to mess up my and your life as well!” I snap back angrily. “Of course I didn’t! I forgot to take the damn pills!” I growl as I snatch the test from his hand. Now I’m raging and I’m offended by the accusation.

“You told me not to worry about it! And yet, you have a positive pregnancy test in your bag now!” he retorts just making it even worse.

“I’m sorry, I was too busy trying not to fall apart! I’m sorry I’m human! But if you think I did this on purpose then I’m leaving now. It was a mistake to come here.”

I turn around furiously, but he grabs my arm again holding me back. When I turn back to him his face is completely changed. He doesn’t seem mad anymore, more like… desperate.

“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry! I didn’t… I just- I’m in shock, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“And you think I’m not shocked?” I scoff in disbelief. “This morning I found out that I’m pregnant, I came here to find comfort and maybe to find out what we should do now, and then you accuse me of doing it on purpose!” Tears are running down on my cheeks and though I try to push him away, he pulls me to him and closes his arms around me no matter how badly I’m trying to get away from him. “I’m so fucking shook, I’m terrified and I really thought seeing you would make me feel better, but I’m still so afraid.”

Now I’m full on crying, I’m sobbing into his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. His strong arms hold me tight to his body and I just want to stay like this forever. He is stroking my hair gently, soothing me without letting go of me. I’m glad he is holding me because my knees feel like jelly.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I wasn’t thinking. It’s okay baby,” he whispers into my hair pressing a kiss to my temple.

“I’m sorry for raging so bad. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last 24 hours,” I mumble wiping my tears off of my face, but I know my eyes has already swelled and as red as a tomato.

“It’s fine. Come on, let’s sit down and talk, okay?”

I nod my head and he pulls me back to the couch. He gently takes my coat off and sitting down he pulls me close, circling an arm around my shoulders. His body’s heat is attracting me like I’m a bug and he is the only light in the room. I cuddle to his side and enjoy the momentary silence as I slowly realize I’m somehow relieved. The secret is out, he knows about the test, now we can focus on figuring out everything else.

“I’m sorry about the pill. I should have been more careful, it’s my fault,” I mumble and looking up at him I my gaze meets his soft eyes. All the anger and doubt is gone by now, I have my soft Shawn back, thanks God.

“Don’t say that. I should have been more persistent about using a condom too. We are in this together. But we really have to figure out the next step.”

“The next step is that I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. These test are pretty reliable, but I need to see a professional as well.”

“Cancel the appointment, I’ll get you one in a private hospital. They are very trustworthy and we can sneak in without getting noticed.”

I don’t protest, I’m more than happy to keep it a secret for as long as possible. The last thing I need is to get recognized as I’m going to the gynecologist with Shawn.

“And we have to tell at least Andrew. He would kill me if something got out without him knowing about it.”

“He is going to hate me for life,” I sigh sadly, shutting my eyes closed. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly.

“Hey, don’t worry. Andrew is a smart guy, he doesn’t hold a grudge for nothing. And as I said, I was there too when…” His other hand gently slips under my sweater to my stomach. “When this baby thing happened. You remember?”

His playful smile calms me a bit. I’m suddenly very aware of his warm palm on my stomach and it’s so strange, to think about the tiny baby in my stomach.

“Shawn?” I speak up after a few silent moments.

“Hm?”

“I’m scared.” My voice is just a dying whisper and the damn tears are flowing again from my eyes, I can’t help it. Startled from my sudden mood change he sits straight up so he can look into my eyes, he cups my face in his hands and runs hid thumbs across my cheeks.

“Don’t be. It’s going to be alright. I’m not letting you do this alone, okay?” I nod my head sniffing like a little child. “I know it’s very sudden and scary, but you are not alone. I’m here and we are in this together.”

Now I’m crying because he is the sweetest person alive. His kind and soothing words comfort me like nothing on the world and even though this is a shitty situation I’m still happy I get to do this with him.

“I just… Don’t feel like I’m ready for this,” I choke out shaking my head.

“You will be ready for this when the time comes. I know we can make this work, okay? Just… don’t give up. We have someone else to think about now,” he lets out a small chuckle making me laugh through my tears.

Thanks to the emotional shock we both went through we doze out on the couch soon. When I open my eyes it’s already dark outside, meaning I spent almost half of the day napping with Shawn on his couch. His arms are hugging me protectively as he is spooning me from behind. I don’t want to wake him up, but one, I really have to pee and two, it’s time for me to leave, I don’t intend to spend the night here. Our situation doesn’t mean we are back on track.

I successfully peel myself out of his grip and make it to the bathroom. After quickly taking care of my business I check on him, he is still sleeping, now hugging a pillow to his chest. I take a moment to admire how peaceful he looks right now. No drama, no worries, just his angelic face that I still love so dearly.

As I feel myself getting emotional I turn away and grabbing my stuff I leave. I don’t call for Nick, I get a cab and head home.

I guess my message is clear to Shawn, he doesn’t call me that day. In the morning he texts me that he is picking me up at the café to go to the clinic and he also lets me know we are having a meeting with Andrew and Justin later, though I have no idea who Justin is. Definitely not Bieber.

Elisa is not home when I wake up, I’m thankful I don’t have to face her, she knows me too damn well and I know it would take one look and she would know something is off. I need more time to figure things out.

I have a beanie on and my scarf is covering half my face so I’m not recognizable. From my previous month spent with Shawn I expect him to be distant and moody after I left without a word yesterday, but I guess the situation is different now. I’m welcomed with a bright smile as I sit into the car.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks me kindly.

“Um, fine. I was a bit nauseous in the morning, but I’m better,” I sigh tiredly. I leave out the part where I spent ten minutes kneeling next to the toilet because I was pretty close to throwing up. “Who is this Justin we are meeting later?” I ask.

“Justin Stirling. He is in my team, he has been doing a lot of marketing stuff for me lately, but he was busy with family stuff last month.”

I nod my head noting the information. The rest of the car ride is spent in silence. I feel so strange, before this whole pregnancy drama Shawn was always the dominant one, especially because he was kind of my boss. But now he looks so lost and confused, my news yesterday must have thrown him over the edge. He is looking out for my every mood and it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

We make it into the clinic without anyone noticing us. This is definitely not how I imagined my first trip to the doctor when I become pregnant. It’s far from idyllic, I’m nervous, my hands are shaking so I hide them in my pocket, Shawn is like a jumpy kid, looking out for everything around us.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Hosier, please, come in,” the doctor greets us. She is a lovely middle-aged woman with a warm smile which is quite calming. We follow her into the room and while I sit up on the white bed Shawn takes place next to me. “So tell me, what do we know so far?” she asks as she is getting ready for my examination.

“Um, I’ve been late for about nine days now, in the past two days I’ve been feeling nauseous and I threw up once. I took a test and it came out positive.” I’m nervous to talk about it with Shawn right next to me, but I try not to think about it.

“Okay. Any pain maybe in the lower stomach?”

“No,” I shake my head.

Soon my pants and underwear comes off and I sit with my legs up while Dr. Hosier is facing my lower half. She keeps asking me questions, I just stare up at the ceiling and answer them like a robot. Shawn looks tensed as he is looking at the doctor.

“I’m going to do an ultrasound quickly,” she informs me she helps me put my legs down. I’m trying to breathe evenly as she pours some jelly on my stomach and starts roaming it with that… something. I don’t even know what these things are, this is how unprepared I am!

All three of us is staring at the screen that is filled with black and white void, I don’t see anything, but the Dr. Hosier freezes the picture and puts a circle around a teeny-tiny dot in the lower part of the image.

“Well, I have news. You are in fact pregnant, Miss Duvall and that little dot is the baby.”

I guess she can sense how unwelcomed the situation is, so she keeps her congrats to herself. She quickly tells me that we need to reserve another appointment soon, she talks about vitamins and useful information while I wipe my stomach clean and get dressed.

“Here, this is for you,” she tells me handing me an envelope. Opening it I see two copies of the ultrasound picture. I just thank her quietly wanting nothing more than to just finally leave the clinic. It is official now, I’m pregnant.

The realization hits me hard across my face as we walk out of the room and head to the car. Neither of us is talking, I’m scared, mad and desperate about the situation and I’m pretty deep in my thoughts when Shawn takes my hand and stops me before I could walk out of the building.

“Naya, let’s… talk for a minute, okay?”

I just nod my head as we sit down in two seats in the corner. No one is batting an eye at us fortunately.

“I, uh- I just wanted to tell you that… I know it’s scary and everything, and Andrew will probably explode when we tell him, but… I’m totally in.”

“In what?” I ask confused.

“In this. In us, in investing in this pregnancy. I want to be part of it, no matter how crazy things will get. And I guess I’m not saying anything new if I say I want us to… continue from where we were before things went downhill.”

“Things didn’t go downhill, our work came to its end and I did the logical thing.”

“But this is not work anymore. I want to give us a chance.”

I stare at him with mixed emotions. I don’t know what I want, I need time to figure out my next step. I have so much to worry about now that my feelings for Shawn must come second… or third… I’m more worried about what Andrew will say, how I’m going to work and what will people think if it ever gets out.

“I need time. It’s just too messy for me now. I’m sorry, but… I need to figure everything out.”

I can tell my answer doesn’t satisfy him, but he doesn’t protest. Pressing his lips together he nods shortly before we continue our way out of the clinic.

I’m shitting my pants when we reach the office complex where we are supposed to meet Andrew and Justin. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure it won’t be too pretty. Shawn tries to calm me telling me that it will be alright, but I know we are in trouble.

Shawn knocks on the door that has Andrew’s name on it and when we get the approval he opens the door.

“Ah, hey! I didn’t know you would be here too,” he immediately says when he sees me, confusion all over his face as he shakes hands with Shawn shooting him a questioning look. But he just ignores it and turns to the other guy in the room.

“Hey man, this is…” he starts gesturing at me, but he is not sure which name to use, so I step ahead and hold a hand out for Justin.

“I’m Naya. Hi.”

This is already over the work relationship I formed previously, my real name is justifiable. I see Andrew’s surprised face from the corner of my eyes and I know he is a smart guy, he must be putting the picture together slowly. But I bet he has no idea about the bomb we are about to drop onto him.

“Hey, Justin. Nice to meet you,” Stirling shakes my hand and soon we all take our places. Andrew is behind the desk, Justin is leaning against the bookshelf in the corner while Shawn and I are sitting in front of them.

“So, what is this meeting about?” Andrew questions. I turn to Shawn and he is already opening his mouth to answer.

“I have something to tell you, but I hope you won’t get mad. I just want you to listen to me.” Andrew nods and Shawn continues. “So… During the one month Naya and I kinda got cozy, if you know what I mean. In the last two weeks things escalated quickly, so it all took a romantic turn. But, um, w-we ended it when the month was over,” he adds and I’m staring at Andrew, trying to read his expressions, but I can’t. He is like a statue.

“Okay, go on, what is the problem?” he asks leaning back in his seat, but I have a feeling he already figured it out, because when he looks at me I can feel his eyes burning into my skin.

“We made a very reckless and immature mistake by… Um, we- we didn’t…” Shawn’s stuttering is getting under my skin, so I take a deep breath and just blurt it out.

“We didn’t use protection and I’m pregnant.”

The room falls silent, Andrew is staring at me, Shawn is staring at Andrew, Justin is staring at Shawn and I’m staring at the floor. The words felt heavy in my mouth and I’m afraid my heart is about to jump out of my chest.

After what feels like eternity, Andrew takes his glasses off pinching the bridge of his nose as he takes a few deep breaths. Once he places the glasses back he leans on the desk and finally speaks.

“Have you been to a doctor or you just did a test?” he asks in a calm, but distant tone.

“We went to the clinic together today. I was there, it’s one hundred percent,” Shawn answers for me.

“How many weeks are you?”

“It’s the fourth,” I mumble ashamed. Andrew’s questions are prim and strict, it all feels like an interrogation.

I look at Justin for the first time since Shawn started talking and his face looks blank, but I can tell his thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what to do with the situation.

“Okay, and what do you want?”

I furrow my eyebrows confused.

“What I want? I don’t understand it…”

“What do you want?” He repeats. “Money? Followers? A job? What do you want?”

“I don’t wa- You think I did this to get stuff from you or Shawn?” I ask realizing what this is about. Shawn’s first reaction was almost the same and now I’m definitely hurt. I never made them believe I’m a scheming bitch, why does everyone think I’m using them?

“Of course the thought crosses my mind, otherwise, how could you be so reckless to have unsafe sex?” he asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but it’s just making my blood boil.

“Andrew, it’s not-“ Shawn starts, but I cut him off.

“How dare you accuse me of being such a horrible person? You know nothing about me! Just because I work as an escort doesn’t mean I have such low life choices as getting myself knocked up by a client! You know what? It was a mistake to come here.” I grab my bag and throwing it on my shoulder I stand up, ready to leave. Everyone moves with me, Andrew and Shawn jump up and Justin takes a step towards me, all three of them to stop me, but the intentions are not the same. While Shawn wants me to stay because he cares about me, Andrew is just afraid is I slip out the door he can’t control the news anymore.

Shawn grabs my wrist and gently pulls me closer to him.

“Please don’t go, let’s talk.”

“You are not leaving without a confidentiality contract, no way you are walking out just like that,” Andrew growls and it’s just making it worse.

“You’re not making me do anything. I don’t need anything from you,” I spat at him and Shawn stands between us, as if he is afraid we would start a fist fight.

“Let’s calm down and talk, okay? Please!” he pleads, but behind him Andrew doesn’t seem too committed.

“I can’t deal with him if he is treating me like a bitch,” I say in a low voice, but the room is small, so everyone can hear it. Though I don’t care.

“Andrew, would you calm down? It was all an accident, she is not trying to ruin me,” he tells his manager turning to face him, but he is still holding my wrist.

I can tell Andrew is boiling inside, holding himself back not to throw the desk at me, and we are staring at each other like two hungry lions over the last piece of meat. Poor Shawn is standing in the middle, hoping he won’t have to pull us out of a fight anytime soon.

Then he takes a deep breath and nods.

“I’m sorry, but this was… quite shocking. I wasn’t expecting this.”

“I get it, it was a shocker for everyone, but let’s just talk about it, okay?” Shawn offers and I’m too tired and emotionally drained out to start a fight, so I nod my head agreeing.

We manage to sit back to our previous places and Justin stands right behind Andrew as we try to start it over again without the accusations and drama.

“I’m sorry for reacting so harshly,” Andrew starts, obviously thinking through his choice of words. “I’m just shocked, but of course, I don’t think you are trying to use Shawn. So… Let’s figure out what to do,” he offers and we all nod agreeing. “Was abortion ever an option?”

“No,” Shawn and I answer at the same time even though we never discussed it. Despite the difficulties of the situation I wouldn’t be able to abort this baby, it’s just impossible for me and I guess Shawn thinks the same way.

“Alright, then we need a strategy,” Andrew tells a bit more like to himself than to us as he is staring down at his desk. “Um… Are you guys…”

“Are you guys together now?” Justin asks speaking up for the first time in a while.

I see Shawn turning to me from the corner of my eyes, and his gaze is burning my temple as he is staring at me.

“It’s… it’s undefined. I have to figure a lot of stuff out.” I say feeling a bit guilty under their examining looks.

“But this is all joint now. Your decisions effect our work as well, I’m sorry, but you can’t just run free. Obviously, Shawn wants to take part in the baby’s life, so we have to work together. What stuff do you need to figure out?”

I feel awkward and anxious as I realize that he is right. I have to worry about myself, the baby and also consider Shawn as a third party, because he has the right to take part in this journey. I owe him honesty.

“I-I have to think about work, I need to talk to Joshua, because as soon as it gets visible I can’t work. But then I need money, because…” I don’t finish the sentence, I’m not ready to share my giant debts with them and listen to their pity. No way.

“Naya, I can support you financially. Let me help you out!” Shawn sighs obviously being over my shit, but I’m just too stubborn.

“No. That’s your money. I have my own problems to solve,” I protest.

“But I told you, we are in this together! I won’t just watch you struggle.”

“I can’t ask you to do me such a huge favor,” I shake my head staring down at my hands. I’m ashamed to admit how much debt I have to pay for every month.

“You’re not asking, I’m offering it.”

“Shawn stop!” I snap at him as I feel myself getting emotional again. “You have no idea how deep I’m in this shit! I inherited 1.2 million dollars of debts after my mom disappeared and left my number to everyone she was owing to, so now I’m paying thousands of dollars every month, because if I don’t, I might end up dead in a dumpster!”

My outburst is followed by total silence and my eyes are tearing up pretty quick. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, I never want people to know how much I struggle because of my own mother. She was a failure, never had a decent job so he paid for her debts by asking for more money from different people. Living this lifestyle for almost ten years can send you down the spiral, and when she disappeared after I moved out from her she left 1.2 million dollars worth of debt, forcing me to start working as an escort since this was the only job that offered me enough money each month to cover everything. I’ve paid back about half of the money by now, but I’m still coughing the rest every damn month. I was once late with paying, the next day two not too friendly guys showed up at my apartment and taught me a lesson with their fists. I never want to experience that. I scared the shit out of Elisa when she saw my black-eye.

“Can we… Can we have this conversation sometime later? I’m really not feeling good,” I say after a long time. I guess I shocked everyone with my outburst, they are all speechless. Shawn is the first one to recover after the scene.

“Um, Andrew how about we all have lunch tomorrow and talk about this? I think we all need some time to adjust the situation.”

I thank God for this offer, because I’m nauseous and anxious to sit here and talk about the future that involves a baby in my belly.

“It’s a great idea. Let’s just think about everything and come prepared the next time,” Justin nods agreeing and Andrew seems to be on the same page as well.

I put on my coat and keeping my gaze down I leave the office while Shawn exchanges a few words. I stop at the hallway waiting for him, chewing on my bottom lip I’m on the verge of crying once again. A few minutes later Shawn appears and seeing my long face he wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me to his chest and this is exactly what I need right now.

“How about we get some takeaway, go to my place, eat and… just chill. Hm?” He offers mumbling into my hair, running his hands up and down my arms soothingly. I just nod my head, I’m too weak and stressed to talk and though I know I shouldn’t be getting closer to him, I just can’t resist. I need his presence, I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay, I just need somebody.

No.

I need him.

-

I AM SHOOK ARE YOU SHOOK LETS ALL BE SHOOK no im just kidding I WROTE IT hahaha okay im done here bye

taglist:  @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name @hollandechart

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

[mattgambler]

Beppi the Clown is Cupheads best boss. Here is why.

TLDR: After beating Cuphead I stated that Beppi was the hardest boss and two others were my favourite ones. After sleeping over it I find myself realizing that the boss I hated most was also the one I actually liked best and I explain why.

Beppi the Clown in Carnival Kerfuffle, what an annoying little shit. What an unbearable, spineless, cowardly, dirty rat of a boss. I hated him more than I hate steam comment sections. I first met him three hours into the game, after dying 80 times to other bad guys. Then I died another 80 times. In a row. Because fucking Beppi the Clown. When I finally beat him, I felt relief, triumph, but most of all I was just happy that it was finally over because I had such a bad case of tunnel vision that I didn’t even notice my hurting fingers anymore. Clearly, this was by far the hardest boss I had encountered so far and I was incredibly glad that I wouldn’t have to ever see his stupid face again. Ever. Like ever, ever. Because fuck that grin, and fuck those inflatable animals and goddammit somebody burn that abomination of a rollercoaster to the ground! >.<

At the end of the game, when I looked back, I had not forgotten him, but I still felt that bubbling rage and while I was quick to state how hard he was, I didn’t give him much credit otherwise. I didn’t want to. Screw that guy. But thinking back two days later I realized with quite surprising certainty that Beppi was also the best boss of the entire game. Best, as in well designed. Best as in most memorable. Even best as in most entertaining! Wait, what? No, this is not a weird variation of Stockholm Syndrome talking. The thing that I appreciate most about Beppi is weirdly enough how often he killed me and how that shaped the actual experience. Because I know Beppi now. I took damage several times in every possible way, I could talk for minutes about every of his four phases, I could tell you where you can stand and cannot stand at what time and what colour of plastic horse is problematic in what precise timing of the rollercoaster showing up, what obstacles can be dashed through and when you should and shouldnt to it, I have parried every pink hazard in the entire fight so often that my hands can still feel it - and I was drilled to do it all over and over to perfection because 3 HP is nothing but a cruel joke. It feels like this was the only bossfight in the entire game that I actually mastered. Because it was hard enough that I had to.

Apart from that, the fight is beautiful, starting with the arena and it’s dynamic change based on whenever the rollercoaster carts show up, all the way to the huge hp pool of Beppis last form so you can’t just perfect the other ones and then facetank your way through the last one. And the parryable nose of the leading cart? Nice touch, simple, but makes for an interesting choice whenever it comes around again. Other bosses do one or more of those things as well to a varying degree, but even if one would come close to Beppi’s Carnival Kerfuffle for one reason or another, I didnt get to appreciate them as much because they simply went down in 1-40 attempts, often with me just having the approach of just reaching the last phase with full hp and then going for pure DPS to punch through. But not Beppi, HAHAHA, oh no. Hilarious, that guy.

Overall, Cuphead is a beautiful and charming, yet tough as nails game that I enjoyed a lot, with my biggest complain being how easy some of those vicious bosses look when you are not the one playing. (I am a streamer, guys, I wanna impress people!)  And out of all those bosses, Beppi the Clown holds a special place in my heart. He isn’t quite Sans from Undertale, but I figure that wouldn’t be funny enough for him anyway. May god bless that stupid grin of his. GG.

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Fathers Day

Requested by    @homicidalteenagedream                Hope you like it.. I had a blast writing it.

Dropping the kids off at your moms. You had a naughty day planned out for Happy for Fathers Day. You had been teasing him all week. "Hey Y/N where's the kids at". Happy said looking threw the house "There at my moms, so you have the day to yourself". you smiled at him "Oh what about Fathers Day, Annabel said she had something special for me". He frowned "Ah Baby, they all have something for you but they wanted to surprise you to a day to yourself first". "Like you can work on your bike or read up on the this month issue of Babes & Bikers". You laughed walking over to kiss him "Your right, that what I'll do". "I'll work on my bike". "What about the Babes"? He walked out to the garage "Why do I need them when I have a fucking sexy ass wife right here". He yelled. You blushed He still thought I was sexy after all these years together. You ran up stairs to change into something sexy. You looked through your closet nothing. There sitting on the bed was his kutte. You thought about it so you went for it. You put on his kutte with just a pair of lacy black panties that had a heart shape cut out in the back. You felt fucking sexy. Oh god you were so turned on just thinking about what Happy would do to you.

Walking into the garage you heard Happy singing to a song. He was bending down to work on his bike his back to you. So you creeped up behind him just as he was about to turn around you blind folded him. "What the hell"? He tried to fight "Calm Killer, its just me". "You know you shouldnt do that". "Just sit here and shut up". You seated him and walked over to the music player and put on your favorite song to dance and fuck too. Lights down low By Bei Maejor ft Waka Flocka flame. He still had the blindfold on. So you pushed play and put it on repeat. You got an idea and straddled his bike. "Blindfold off Daddy". You said seductively His eyes went wide and his mouth dropped. "DAMN Little Girl, you look smoken". "Daddy like"? You bit you lip grinding on the bike "Fuck Daddy likes alot". You swayed your hips over to him and took a seat on his lap. "Daddy really likes it, I can feel it". You snaked you hand down to his tent in his pants giving it a little squeeze. Happy moaned. "You know I'm going to let it slide this time but your not suppose to wear my kutte". He said putting his hands on your hips "Oh No, I've been a bad girl maybe your should spank me...later". You turned to look Happy in the eyes with your legs locked around him. Grinding hard on him. He let out soft moans. You grabbed his face and kissed him deeply, your tongue danced for entre. You let go of him and turned around your feet planted on the floor and stood up. Dancing to the music. Swaying your hips and shaking your booty. Rubbing yourself all over him. You slowly took his kutte off. Placing in on the counter beside you. You took Happys face in your hands and pushed him into your breast. Happys mouth nipping and kissing your breast. He was having to much fun. "Y/N baby I cant breath". You let him go. "Sorry babe for my big boobs". "No, I love your boobs". "There fun to play with". You threw your head back laughing. "Thanks for making my day so much better". "Well Daddy it aint over yet". "You gonna bend me over on your bike and spank me". With out a second thought he pulled you to his bike your butt sticking up in the air. "You ready for Daddy Little Girl"? "Fuck yes". Smack, smack and smack. Happy rubbed your butt cheek as he kissed you. He didnt waste anytime unbuckling his pants, moving your panties to the side and ramming in. You gasped at the sudden feel of him inside you. He was so big and thick so LONG. He hit every spot. "OH FUCK OH FUCK Happy" You tried holding on to the bike as Happy pounded in you. "Your so fucking tight, so wet for me". He grunted out "Hap I'm so close". "Me too, Shit come with me Y/N". You both came at the same time, Happy spilling his seed inside of you and you seeing bursting stars. You road out the orgasms till you couldnt take it anymore and came again. Happy held on to you as he pulled his pant up and taking a seat down on the ground with you in his lap. "Fuck Y/N that was....WOW". "I know Baby I know". You said laying your head on his chest. You were spent. "Happy Fathers Day Daddy". "Best Fathers Day ever from my favorite Little Girl". He kissed the top of your head. You rolled your eyes laughing. Soon after Happy and you got cleaned up, the kids came home. They gave him his presents and your mother asked if you had gotten some sun. It was from all that hot sex you were having but you couldnt tell her that. Life was great. Couldnt wait for next years Mothers Day to see what Happy had instore for you.

[kavuyi]

http://bit.ly/2JsawiR

6th February 2016

Just when I thought it would be all rosy.

Nothing good lasts forever.

Neither does love or peace.

Something always comes up to destroy everything built back to the shambles it was always supposed to be. This is fate. The shambles are all that should be left no matter how hard one tries to rebuild. The foundation is weak so everything else is weak.

Today, the something that comes to break my home comes in form of a woman called Cynthia. I look at her name flashing on Chinyama’s phone. It’s as if she knows when I’m happy and too comfortable in my marriage. She shows up from nowhere to ruin everything. Back to square one. Should I pick up or not?

No.

I don’t need to pick up. I’m not one of those wives -the kind that watches over her husband and answers every call he gets. No. Chinyama will find the missed call when he leaves he bathroom, and he does, I’ll be waiting for the look on his face as he picks up his phone.

Not today Cynthia.

I put his phone back under his pillow and wait. I can’t go back to sleep anymore. She has my mind in knots like she always has. She has a hold on my husband that even I can’t explain. What if she used juju* on him and he can’t seem to have the guts to let her go because of that. Gosh. I shouldnt be thinking like this. No. God is on my side.

“No form of juju shall prosper against my husband.” I whisper.

But if she’s calling him, then does that mean he never ended it with her or she’s calling him for a baby come back. Maybe I should have picked up and asked her what she wanted. If she needs help then talking to me wouldn’t be a bad thing right. I hate this feeling, the feeling of helplessness. I turn and lie on my back. How many times have I faced the ceiling deep in thoughts over what Chinyama was doing with that vile woman. I can’t become that woman again. No.

I hear his phone ring. I sit up and quickly reach under his pillow and grab it. Her name flashes on his screen again. She is relentless. She will never stop. She needs to know her place. Right now. I look at the bathroom door and back at the ringing phone.

Chinyama be damned but this has to end. Today.

“Hello.” I answer.

Silence. Is she surprised? Is she worried that her man is with his wife? Is she angry her man’s wife is answering the phone? Well, silence won’t take me anywhere, I won’t last all day in silence.

“This is Chinyama’s phone” I continue.

“Can I please speak to Chinyama?”

Hearing her voice takes me back to the time I found out about her. The times I would lose it and resort to the bottle. Her voice would taunt me into thinking I had lost my husband. I did.

“Hello?” She asks.

“Cynthia, this is Mable. Chinyama is bathing. I’ll have him call you back as soon as he is free.” I respond.

Silence. I can hear her breathing. She hasn’t cut the line yet. Probably weighing her options right now. To call him back later or to wait for him to call her. I’m certain she will call him back. That’s the kind of woman she is. I hate that I know that about her. Who am I?

“Thank you Mable. Please tell him it’s urgent. Have a great day.” She says slowly.

She cuts the line. Just like that. No arguments. No insults back and forth. Nothing. Aren’t we maturing?

The bathroom door opens and Chinyama walks into the bedroom humming, with a towel around his waist.

“Good morning my beaut……”

He looks at me, his phone in my hand and the rest of his sentence dies on his lips. I meet his eyes and I give him a smile. He does not smile back.

“Cynthia called. She said it’s urgent. Call. Her. Back.”

I place his phone on his pillow and push the bed covers off of me exposing my nakedness. Let him call her back with the image of me naked and walking away from him. I get off the bed and walk confidently towards the bathroom.

“Mable.” He starts.

I lift my hand to silence him.

“Call. Her. Back. We don’t want her feeling neglected do we?” I respond.

I don’t want to hear his excuse. If I do I might say something I’ll regret one day. Or I’ll hit him with anything.

No words need to be said this time.

To think I stopped talking to Isaac and only to have this thrown back in my face. Again. Men.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even a week.

********

Me:

I could beat her up.

Find thugs for you and send them to her house and beat her up so.

Foolishness.

*

Sampa:

Yoli you are certainly not helping Mable here with that talk.

*

Me:

That is helping her. That woman has no sense of pride for herself, sleeping with a married man like it’s in fashion.

*

Mable:

Men suck.

I swear they suck.

Oh my gosh. I don’t even want to think about this anymore.

*

Sampa:

That Cynthia woman has some nerve no.

Like who calls a married man that early in the morning.

No respect.

Like if you’re helping him cheat then call him after 12.

*

Thandiwe:

Some side pieces also. How unnecessary.

Omg Mable I’m so sorry ayi.

Elo ninshi the man apologised and was trying to make it up to you.

*

Mable:

That’s what hurts you know.

*

Sampa:

Iye Mable.

*

Mable:

I don’t know what to think.

*

Me:

What did you do after? After you told him.

*

Mable:

What was I to do?

I didn’t talk to him again. He left the house.

Took the kids with him.

I didn’t know he left.

Plus I was supposed to take the kids to the movies. Now I don’t know.

Maybe she just genuinely needed his help.

*

Me:

Or maybe he’s scared of you.

As he should be.

Wife. Cook. Owner of the kitchen. Knives at her disposal.

*

Mable:

But iwe. Lol Kaya.

But what if she really needed his help.

And I’m here acting like shit.

*

Sampa:

Are you seriously taking blame for what has happened today?

Are you going to feel better if he tells you she was calling because she had a problem?

*

Mable:

No.

*

Sampa:

Exactly.

Mami that was your husband’s mistress for a long time.

I don’t blame you for wanting to think things through

Have you called him yet at least?

*

Mable:

And say what?

Have you gone to see your hule.

I’m too stressed ayi.

I’m not calling him.

Think I’ve acted clingy enough now.

*

Sampa:

Iwe he’s your husband.

Call him.

Talk to him

*

Mable:

No.

I won’t.

I was too angry earlier. Maybe I’m not over it yet.

*

Sampa:

I’m thinking he’s near home waiting for you to call him.

Call him.

He’s worried and scared you will lose it

*

Mable:

And maybe I should yes.

*

Thandiwe:

No

*

Sampa:

No

*

Me:

Yes.

*

Mable:

Okay I won’t lose it.

I’ll call him.

After an hour or two.

Let him die in worry first.

*

Sampa:

Don’t do this.

Talk to your husband and behave yes?

Do it now.

*

Mable:

No.

You know what I deserve a day of drinking. Or night.

I have been behaving with my drinks.

The effort? All down the drain now.

We need to meet up.

Today.

*

Sampa:

We shouldn’t be encouraging this.

*

Mable:

We should.

*

Sampa:

Alright, I have vodka and rum in the house.

You guys can come over to my place.

Someone bring chicken and sausage.

Though I think we shall need more alcohol to be honest.

And junk food

*

Me:

I’m bringing the whiskey

Ya’ll and your weird drinks.

I’ll bring the chicken.

*

Thandiwe:

I’ll bring the sausage.

I will also bring a bottle of wine though I am a sober bitch.

Make sure there is juice though.

*

Mable:

Wine from me. Two bottles.

No three. Or four.

But won’t Sangu be angry with a random chill like that.

*

Sampa:

Well Sangu has forgotten he has a home so I’m gonna use this home to chill with my girls.

Ya’ll better be here by 14 hours ka

Dress nice

*

Mable:

Cool

Manje dress nice iyo. Are we dressing nice for some man we do not know about?

Your cousin maybe? Is he coming to town?

*

Me:

Iye. I’m wearing sweat pants.

See ya.

*

Sampa:

You’re so weird Mable.

And no my brother is not coming to town.

You never know what might happen afterwards.

*

Sonia:

Imwe early in the morning and you are planning a beer fest.

I had to to catch up on your messages.

Lol

I am still in bed sleeping.

I’ll be there. 14 Hours sharp.

I am bringing myself only and my chef skills.

*

Me:

You seriously want to impress a bunch of dunk women with your cooking skills.

Ah Sonia.

Bring food from your fridge.

*

*******

This man is going to be the death of my nerves. I need to concentrate on…

*

Sonia:

I’ll cook.

No left overs Yolanda.

*

Thandiwe:

Goodie.

I can’t wait.

*

Sampa:

Cool. Be on time ladies.

Especially you Yolanda.

*

Me:

Fine…

*

I close my eyes and let the feel of his hands squeezing my bare ass linger on my mind.

“Hmmm.” I groan.

At this rate I won’t be able to finish reading my messages. I open my eyes and scroll through unread my message list.

*

Mr Forty:

Lady.

You are amazing. I swear you just blow my mind away

*

My body feels loved. His lips on my back, I do not know what the man is doing but it feels amazing. What is it about his tongue I wonder. His teeth graze the skin on my shoulder and I giggle, I imagine his lips breaking into a smile. Ohh this man….

*

Mr Forty:

If I had known you missed me that much that night I would have shown up everyday I let you keep me away.

I can’t stop thinking about you

*

I believe I am glowing. He is not done and I am glowing. I might glow for the next one week at this rate. His lips trail up my back to my neck, his hands following behind.

*

Mr Forty:

What is about you that makes me lose my mind?

I feel like a lost man without you.

What have you done to me?

Yolanda, you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I want to see you tonight.

Dinner?

Drinks?

*

I smile.

“I swear you need to get off that phone.” His voice whispers.

His lips on my neck, I giggle in response. I feel his smile against my skin. I know it’s an attractive smile. He does not stop kissing my neck. I do not stop him. I want more. Just not yet…

So many messages to read….

“Get off that phone Yolanda.”

“But I have messages coming in. I have to read them. Right now.”

His hand reaches out and grabs my phone out of hands.

“Wait. Wait.” I laugh as I turn to face him, hoping the panic in my eyes isn’t evident.

“No. No. No.” He responds. “No phone for you.”

“Just wait a second….”

I breathe a sigh of relief when I notice the dark screen. Locked. He looks at me then the phone and shakes his head.

“Hiding something Ms Chipeta?” He asks.

“No Mr Jere.”

“Then you can read the messages in an hour.” He says and proceeds to place the phone on his side of bedside table, far from my reach. Now he has my attention.

“An hour huh?” I ask.

“I’m approximating.”

“That it’s gonna last that long? Too short don’t you think?” I ask, placing my hand over my exposed breast, feigning shock.

“Come here.” He says.

His hand snakes around my waist, pulls me to his side. He turns onto his side, his face close to mine. I take in his brown eyes, the thick eyebrows that seem to perfect to be on a man’s face, the square jaw, dark beard that frames the lips that gave my skin chills minutes ago.

“I am trying to make it up to you….” He laughs.

“It’s not like you had a choice last night when you showed up.” I cut him off.

“Uhhhh okay fine. Still making it up to you.”

“You showed up out of the blue. You knew you had me wondering.”

Out of the blue. That’s the right phrase. Masulani showed up looking all tired in his blue suit, leaning against my door with an unopened bottle of Blue Label in his hands as a peace offering. He got me on the bottle; and maybe with the apology that followed even though he didn’t explain why he did what he did.

“That’s not the point.” He whispers

“Then what is it?”

“I’m trying to make it up to you and you think that gadget is more important than this.”

He pulls me closer still, till my breasts meet his chest, my leg over his hip. His hand goes to my cheek, caressing it’s way to the back of neck. His eyes take every part of my face in. A smile breaks on his lips.

“You see if you had hair I would be pushing it off your face.” He whispers. “Don’t get me wrong, your cut is attractive. And I definitely need to meet your barber maybe.”

I laugh, “Well if you like hair, then I am sorry. This lady is never keeping it.” I respond.

“You are one sexy woman Yolanda.”

“I know.”

We keep silent, our eyes on each other, hunger is his eyes, maybe in mine. Hearts beating so fast. No words need to be said anymore. We both know where this is going.

And then he kisses me, all thoughts about incoming messages slip off the silk sheets and out of the bedroom.

**********

I smile as I place my phone on the table. I grab my mug of coffee, the scent of coffee hits my nose and I close my eyes. What I need every morning. Today will be….

“I will be home slightly late. I just hope the hospital won’t be as bad today.”

I open my eyes and look at Sangu over my coffee mug and shrug. For a man that comes home late and wakes up early he definitely looks as fresh as a man who had enough hours of sleep.

“It’s really been a mess…..” He continues.

Fresh enough to drag back to bed. I stare at his dark blue shirt and pants, is it necessary he dresses smartly to the hospital everyday I wonder. Is there someone else he’s trying to impress? Where are my thoughts leading me? He places his hands in his pockets and looks at me.

“What?” I ask

“Nothing. You are silent.”

“I am not silent. I heard you.”

“Okay. If you say so.”

Well this is awkward.

“I will call you.” He continues.

As if. He actually believes he will.

“Okay. Cool.”

“I will make sure I call you.” He continues.

I wish I could roll my eyes at his statement. Men and their fake promises.

“Hmm.” I respond as the hot coffee scalds my tongue.

I place my coffee mug on the table behind me as I scrape my teeth over the burnt area on my tongue.

“Are you okay?” He asks, closing the space between us.

“Yeah. I am fine.” I respond quickly.

“You sure?”

“Uh yeah. Oh I forgot to tell you, the ladies will be coming over today. In the afternoon anyway. For drinks. Guess we have things to catch up on.”

“Oh. Enjoy yourselves.” He responds.

“Was there something you wanted to do at home?” I ask. “Figured if you’re going to be working for most of the day then I can have them over.”

“No. No. No. It is okay. I will call to ask if you guys are done before I come home.”

“Okay.”

“If you’re not I might visit mum instead. She is super excited about the birthday party. Planning stuff. Might help her out.”

“Great. Have an amazing day then.”

“You too.”

We look at each other for a few seconds more and he turns around and walks out of the kitchen.

No kiss goodbye.

Not even a hug.

*********

“Gosh Mable. Surely you can’t gobble down a glass of wine as if it’s water.” I say loud enough for her to hear me.

Mable turns around and flashes me a wide smile. For a woman with marital issues she sure does know how to hide them. “All out” are the words I would use to describe Mable right now. The woman took my dress nice words to heart because the back revealing red lace dress she has on hugs her in the right places. Definitely angry. She turns around, giving me her exposed back as she continues to pour herself wine in her wine glass – still shocked she carried her own huge glass.

“I will drink to my husband’s mistakes. My foolishness and stupidity for trusting him.” She says.

“What if he is innocent?” I ask.

She turns around with a frown on her beautiful face as she thinks for her answer. Yes. What if her husband is innocent and she is busy punishing him for nothing?

“What if he’s not?” She asks.

“Is that the best you could up with as a response. Wow.” I respond.

“But to be honest what if he’s not?”

“I’ve told you this countless times Mable. That man loves you. To death. He adores you and the babies.”

“I know he loves his kids. They are his.” She says, rolling her eyes. “This is why we have so many bitter women out there in the world.”

“But Mable. Men suck at love, commitment and everything sugar and nice in this world. Literally.” I argue.

“It’s not supposed to be like that though. We are married. What if we got married too early? What if we are not meant to stay together?”

“After over nine years? Girl…. After all that time you guys realise this? Come on. I know you two are the real deal.”

Mable shakes her head, picks up her full glass of white wine from the kitchen table and smiles.

“I have definitely missed you.” She says to the glass.

I roll my eyes and walk towards her, grab the glass out of her hands before she takes a sip of the liquid. She pouts in my direction but makes no move to grab the glass back as I walk towards the sink.

“You are not drinking until you call that husband of yours and make it right.” I tell her. “He’s probably somewhere with the kids crying right now.”

“Chinyama does not cry hun.” She says as a matter of fact.

She gives me a smile and a wink.

“Gosh Mable. Get your head out of the gutter hun.” I laugh. “You need to talk to him either way.”

“But I can talk to him when I get home.” She argues.

“No. Do it now. Repair the damage now.”

“What damage? Why do I have to do it? Why can’t he call me and explain the situation himself? Why must I always work to save my marriage while he plays with it.”

“Because you are psycho.”

“But it’s his fault I am psycho.”

“Men will be men hun. Now go and call him. Please. I hate seeing you resort to alcohol as a means to happiness.”

She shakes her head and sighs.

“Fine. For you I will call him. By force. He better be thanking his lucky stars.”

“Aww I know you want to call him. Don’t be difficult about it.”

“I will call him. Right now.” She says uninterested.

“Awesome.”

I lift the glass of wine to my lips and take a sip of the chilled wine.

“I like this wine.” I tell her. “I will take this wine I think. And I will keep the glass. Thank you very much.”

She laughs as she reaches for her handbag and takes her phone out. Finally some progress. A door knock sounds and I blow Mable a kiss before heading out of the kitchen.

The other ladies are here.

Time for the fun to begin.

**********

I hear more voices fill up the silence in the house. The rest of the ladies are finally here. I need to be joining them instead of calling a man who doesn’t value the principle of marriage.

Even better, I could have been with Isaac.

Isaac.

I could have been with Isaac. I should have been with him. Gosh. I don’t even know if he will ever talk to me again. If he will ever want to. I don’t even know if he is okay. I hate Chinyama and the mess he wants to put me through. Even after dealing with it I am still facing it.

If I cut the line now then maybe I can still talk to him when I get home drunk and not in the mood for the excuses he has lined up. If I just…..

“Mable. Hello.”

Hearing his voice renders me speechless momentarily What am I supposed to say now? How are you? Where are you? Where is Cynthia? What? I should not have listened to Sampa and called the man.

“Mable.”

“Hi.” I respond.

“Hey.”

“Are the kids okay?”

Definitely not asking if he is okay. Probably will try and guilt trip me into feeling bad that I went over the top with my reaction.

“Yeah. They are great. We are at Kapalu’s.”

“Great.”

Silence. I should not have called him. Do I have make conversation now? Chinyama knows not try and make small talk in case I get angry. It’s always up to me. Pleading.

“What’s happening there?” I ask.

“Nothing. Just visiting. Figured you could use some rest and I will have the kids for the day.”

Rest. Rest being accepting that Cynthia called and moving on from it.

“The kids are having fun already. Don’t worry.”

How selfless.

“Thank you.”

“Are you okay?” He asks slowly.

I know he’s asking if we are okay. If everything is fine. If I have calmed down and forgiven him. Again.

“I am great. I am with my girls.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah.”

“How are they?”

“They are all great. Having lunch and drinks. Discussing what plagues women on this planet.”

He chuckles, he knows I’m being serious. Men are what’s wrong with women on this planet.

“Well enjoy yourselves. Have a blast.” He says.

“Thank you.”

“Should I wait up for you?”

The question hangs in the air for some seconds with me deciding what will be the best answer. Lie or not lie is the question and I know not which is my final decision.

“Mable are you there?”

“Yes.”

“Should I wait up for you?”

*********

“Oh my gosh… Are you finally showing Thandiwe?”

I roll my eyes at Sampa and sigh. This is pushing it now. Surely this shouldn’t be a big deal again.

“That’s exactly what I said when I saw her.” Yolanda says excitedly. “Her bun is growing.”

“Oh come on.” I argue.

“Look at you. Your ass looks big too.” Yolanda responds. “Even your breasts. Can I play with them. I’m jealous.”

She reaches out to grab them and I slap her hands away, she pulls away laughing.

“You are crazy.” I tell her.

“And you’re bigger.” She responds

“I swear she looks bigger than the last time I saw her. Especially around her waist area. Do you see it?” Sonia says pointing at my abdomen.

“Guys. I am not really showing. It’s not that bad.” I argue. “At least not yet.”

“Oh mama yes it is. You are showing. Finally.” Sampa says. “Though I swear I don’t know why you’re wearing jeans. It’s bad for you no?”

“You guys are bullies. I am perfectly fine. Calm down.” I respond.

“Yes you are.” Sampa squeals

She gives me a hug and a kiss before she proceeds to hug the others. Sampa is right. In fact they all are. Seems like I am already showing I am with child. I noticed it as well after much convincing and trying to push my tummy back in. James noticed it too and while he seems over the moon about the sight, I however am lost with the possibility of weight gain, flat breasts and stretch marks. I will look ugly.

“Did all of you drive here?” Sampa asks.

“No. James dropped me off.” I respond. “I swear it’s irritating.”

James’s excuse for dropping me off didn’t make sense to me. He didn’t want me driving alone. Plus with the thought of our “girly chill” ending late he didn’t want me driving at night alone. Protect the baby. Overly caring I think. This pregnancy will surely get me doing nothing in no time if James has his way. If bed rest was an option he would chain me to the bed.

“I drove alone.” Yolanda answers. “None of these friends wanted to pick me up.”

“I offered you said no.” Sonia responds.

“You were too early.” Yolanda pouts.

“You has a man over. That’s it.” Sonia laughs.

“Here.” I tell Sampa as I hand her my grocery bags. “Wine. And the other things I said I would get. Plus extras.”

“Awesome. You’re a darling Thandiwe. Who else has something for me?” Sampa asks.

The other ladies proceed to hand her a few more grocery bags.

“Great. Thank you guys.” Sampa responds. “I need to place this in the kitchen. You all know where the living room. Please head there.”

“Where is Sangu?” Sonia asks

“Working. Doctors never stop to rest.” Sampa answers.

“I don’t know about you guys but I need to start drinking right now.” Yolanda says aloud. “It’s time for me to start. Whiskey.”

“I will bring everything to the living room. No worries.” Sampa responds happily. “Make yourselves comfortable.”

“Where is Mable?” Sonia asks. “Didn’t see her car. Surely she can not be late for this.”

“You wish. She’s in the kitchen. On the phone.” Sampa starts. “Chinyama.”

“Ohhh, how is that going?” I ask. “She losing it yet?”

“Actually no. She’s in a better mood than I expected to be honest. She will be joining us as soon as she’s done.”

“Cool.” I respond.

“Head to the living room. I’ll find all of you there.”

Sampa walks away towards the kitchen while the rest of us head to the living room.

“Oooh this is ridiculously beautiful.” Yolanda screams ahead of me. “I swear I could so live this life.”

I roll my eyes.

********

If I had my way I would be in bed. Right now.

Getting kisses and everything else my body needs. I have to call him. Soon. Or should I wait for him to call me? I need to get him off my mind. This instant. My eyes meet Thandiwe’s and she sticks her tongue out at me.

“So, Than…di…we…. Now that we believe you are pregnant when are we finding out if you’re carrying a human baby or a machine?” I ask

“Yolanda…” Sonia chides.

Thandiwe looks at me, and the saying if looks could kill comes to mind. She can’t take a joke anymore. Gosh. I am grateful she is sitting across from me in the living room. Then again one never knows, Thandiwe might jump the glass table in the middle and grab my neck.

“What?” I ask. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m sorry.”

“Yolanda can you let Thandiwe be?” Sonia asks.

I laugh. She knows I mean well. And so does Thandiwe. Thandiwe actually looks amazing even though she’s probably squeezing the baby to death in her jeans. She’s probably still holding onto her clothes hoping she can still make the look work. Soon enough she will need a new wardrobe.

“Don’t listen to Yolanda. We are all happy you are showing love.” Sonia says to Thandiwe. “I can’t wait to see they little thing. So excited.”

Thandiwe smiles, at last.

“It’s scary though.” She says. “It’s a human being inside. Growing. Freaks me out. And to think I will going for my first ultrasound scan next week freaks me out guys.”

“Awwwww. So awesome. Life at its finest yes?” Sonia answers.

“You’re gonna be an awesome mother Thandiwe.” I tell her.

“Thank you.” She responds. “Plus I have all of you to help me out.”

Thandiwe’s eyes well up with tears. Oh my. She’s going to cry. Right here? Right now? What happened to the diva queen? Oh no. She sniffs and laughs.

“I am a mess.” She laughs. “Don’t mind the tears. They are happy tears.”

We laugh, I watch her wipe her tears away. It’s an overwhelming experience for her.

“Drinks for everybody!!”

Sampa walks into the living room, tray in her hands, glasses filled with liquid. Finally. Mable walks in behind her, glass of white wine in her hands.

“Hello ladies!!” Mable exclaims.

“Hey.” Sonia, Thandiwe and I answer.

“I missed you guys.” She says loudly.

Sampa places the tray on the glass table and quickly walks out of the living room. Mable sits down next to me, blowing me and the others a kiss. I move to the edge of the sofa and grab the nearest glass off the tray. Bingo. My drink. I take a sip and sigh in bliss. My day will be perfect.

“We missed you too mama. Are you okay?” Thandiwe asks. “Is all alright in the world of marital bliss.”

“I’m okay.” Mable responds.

“Chinyama? Is he alive?” I ask.

Mable laughs and looks at me. “Unfortunately he is. Ya’ll think I’m crazy.”

“You are crazy. You talked to him?” Sonia asks

“I have. I have. But gosh I’m so angry.” She responds. “I’m trying to understand it all. Wherever. It will be fine. He will explain this shit.”

“Poor man.” Thandiwe says. “Knowing you he is in for the shit of his life.”

“You’re supporting him?” Mable asks

“No. Never. I hate him too.” Thandiwe laughs.

We can never hate Chinyama. We can complain about him but we can never hate him. Mable and him have been through too much and we, as her friends respect him. He’s done a lot for Mable that most men would have to chosen to run away from. Granted Chinyama does some crazy things but we still love them both. Together. So I know for a fact Mable and him will make it through whatever is going on right now. I reach out and pat Mable’s shoulder.

“It will be okay. He will change by the whip.” I tell Mable.

“What are you guys talking about?” A breathless Sampa says as she walks in.

“Men. And their drama.” Mable responds.

She takes a gulp of her drink and rolls her eyes. Sampa places another tray on the table with bowls of crisps, corn puffs and salted nuts.

“You would think I deserve this nonsense. But I dont. What is it that I did wrong? My husband does not respect me or our marriage.” She says.

“Maybe he does. And Cynthia is just trying to make him think otherwise.” Sonia says.

“I hate them both. Having a mistress that never leaves. Sharing a man and all his attention.”

We all keep silent. Finally she lets it out.”

“I wish I could beat her up. Or him.” She continues.

“Men are trash.”Men are trash hun.” Sampa says. “I wholeheartedly agree with you. You know what’s worse? Being uncertain about a relationship. Look at my relationship. I have no idea where I stand anymore. I feel as feel I’m arguing with Sangu and yet we have had no fight since he came back.” Sampa says.

“Dude still acting up?” Sonia asks

“It’s worse. I don’t know whats going on with him. What if he’s cheating?” Sampa asks. “What if he has no idea as to how to break up with me? And I’m here praying we work. If he’s still thinking about the baby thing then maybe we need to break up.”

“It’s better than deciding if your man’s mother is worth the relationship or not.” Sonia responds.

“I swear I hope I never go through any of the problems you’re going through.” I start. “I feel sad for all of you. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

Gosh they all have drama. Except Thandiwe. Either way the drama revolves around men. Men are difficult all the time and yet I have two men in my bed getting from them what I need.

“If I had a chance to relive my life I would probably be like you.” Mable tells me.

“Me?” I ask. “Like me? Sleeping with two bosses from the same company?”

Their shocked faces make me laugh.

“I swear Yolanda you always have the most drama among all of us.” Sampa says. “How do you sleep with two bosses? Which one is this one now? Is the old man still around?”

I smile at them. Their eyes look at me each of their face telling me they want to know more.

“The old man is still around.” I tell them. “Very much around. Pleasure for grabs.”

“He’s married.” Sonia says shocked.

“So. Men love the idea of having the wife and the mistress.” I say quickly. “But not yours Mable. He loves you too much. And not yours Thandiwe.”

Mable laughs. “Did you just talk about married men and leave mine out?”

“Yes I did.” I laugh.

“So who is the other man you’re sleeping with? A board member? Director?” Sampa asks.

“Well his name is Masulani. He’s like a hottie. Plus he’s my supervisor.”

“Eish Yolanda. You sleeping with your immediate boss?” Thandiwe asks.

My smile is an answer enough.

“What if you get caught?” Thandiwe asks. “Or what if the men find out. Men talk.”

“Well then it’s happened.” I respond.

“See, I wish I had her life. Fun all day.” Mable says. “I swear I need to face that stupid man and his Cynthia.”

“You can.” Yolanda says

“Don’t encourage her Yoli.” Thandiwe argues.

“Chinyama, Cynthia and my choice of whip.” Mable responds.

“You’re gonna beat him?” asks a shocked Sampa.

“Maybe.” Mable responds.

“She’s joking.” Sonia laughs as she looks at Sampa.

“Oh. Okay.” Sampa responds. “We never know with you Mable.”

We all look at her and she laughs.

“I’m a nice wife. You guys know I am. And I am different. Surely at this point in my life what’s the worst thing I can do? Follow her again? Throw him out or maybe cheat on him?”

“Oohhh find you a nice tough man to hold you and put you to bed.” I squeal.

Just like Masulani did last night when he showed up. Gosh.

“You’re right Yolanda.” Mable says. “I could cheat on him. Make him feel the way I did. Only fair.”

“Do it.” I urge her.

“Gosh Yolanda. You’re so bad for Mable. Period.” Sonia laughs. “Don’t do it Mable. You have kids remember. Stay with Chinyama for them.”

“Exactly. I agree with Sonia. You don’t need to destroy their lives.” Sampa adds.

“I will die a bitter woman.” Mable responds.

“A drunk bitter old woman.” I respond

And we laugh.

To be continued…….

from WordPress http://bit.ly/2JsawiR via IFTTT http://bit.ly/2Uve0H8 May 18, 2019 at 12:00PM

[leaughrilke]

super-sensate-seestras replied to your post

“Who do u think the superbabies will date?? :D (also since stella looks...”

I would love to hear more about Stella and Beth's relationship drama cause I absolutely love all of these breakdowns about the superbabies

WELL FRIEND there’s other drama too but this is the Major drama that hinders their relationship for a long time

so stella know she has a crush on beth, has been like aggressively ignoring said crush and tryin to Live Her Life and its been a year since stella came out, came to terms and she’s just started her nighttime shenanigans as a vigilante, just started trying to help the way kara does, the way maia does and its going ok???  until she.  you know.  gets stabbed (LIGHTLY STABBED) and is like hmmm i feel as though i should reassess maybe

and then beth’s back in national city after graduating early with like three bachelors (xenobiology, nanotechnology, and engineering) and at least one masters and a corresponding doctorate (in something sciencey, listen im barely an english major), working at l-corp bc she’s a Documented Genius and stella wants to step up her vigilante game, especially since she recently was lightly stabbed and doesnt rlly want that to happen again, and beth’s always been rlly calm and steady, very logical and she keeps all of maia’s secrets, so stella approaches her a little reluctantly to see if she’s willing to help and beth gives her this long, searching look and finally agrees, designs and builds her a new suit with a shitton of gadgets, is the main reason stella starts getting called mechagirl by the press but only helps with stella’s promise that beth can then help with actual missions bc like??  beth cares about her a lot too, doesnt want to see her die ya know??

and it’s weird??  bc now she’s friends with beth in her own right???  works alongside her a lot and beth serves as her tech person, finds her jobs she can do that supergirl or birdy (maia’s superhero alter ego) haven’t gotten to yet and national city gains a new superhero pretty much bc of beth.  and then its a late night of saving ppl and stella comes back to her apartment/headquarters and beth’s still there, wrapping up some end of night reports (she insists on keeping detailed logs in order to avoid any issues with the cops later on) and she’s ordered stella’s favorite takeout, put it in the oven to warm for her and stella’s so grateful and also pretty tired??  rlly tired and beth basically lives with her and sometimes the proximity blurs lines in stella’s mind and so she just leans down to kiss beth, murmurs thank you sleepily and goes into her room to change.  and beth’s just sitting there??  like oh my god, the girl i’ve been in love with for months just kissed me and she doesn’t even realize it but then stella REALIZES IT and runs back out like shit im so sorry beth, that was so inappropriate of me but beths like??  wait do you not like me and stella’s like WAIT DO YOU LIKE ME???? 

surprise!!  this is how stella finds out beth’s an alien and also how beth finds out stella’s an alien lmao.  like.  beth’s species has mental shields, similar to martians??  so stella’s never been able to read her or see in her mind but she never rlly tried to or even questioned it??  or even noticed bc she’s rlly empathetic anyway, reads body language rlly well, so she’s never known that beth likes her the way stella likes beth

like, later in their relationship, stella suddenly can read beth??  like rlly well and she’s like um what the hell and beth’s like oh, yeah, i stopped putting up the block and stella’s just like starry eyed like holy shit you trust me that much???  

beth’s like uh yeah but dont let it go to your head you nerd

but are they smart abt this and admit their v deep feelings for one another then??  no.  they just hookup and then keep hooking up, pretending like nothings changed, pretending like theyre not basically living together or doing all the shit Couples do but just refusing to tell anyone or acknowledge it at all.  and it’s ok for a while??  its solid

but then stella’s suit malfunctions, gives her a nasty burn down her side and she begs beth to not tell anyone that she’s in the hospital, that she’s been hurt and beth’s like shit, stella, i can’t keep doing this bc they’re working with a budget of about eleven dollars, a starburst, and stella’s bus pass, building with shit from the scrap yard and old electronics from secondhand stores and beth wants stella to just tell her family she’s the new vigilante bc then they’d have access to better resources, then beth wouldn’t be so scared every time stella runs out to go save a family from a burning car or stop a bank robbery, but stella refuses, knows that it would be a battle to be accepted like this.  

its a fight they’ve had for months before and then stella’s armor fucks up and beth just calls it.  tells her that she comes clean or beth won’t help her keep almost dying, so stella tells her that she doesn’t need her and beth moves all her shit out of stella’s apartment and its all rlly quiet, subdued and its so fucking sad

she takes the job offer she has at wayne security in charm city (wink wink) and doesnt tell stella, stella finds out when she goes over to her moms and finds beth there, with maia and her moms and finn, all laughing and grinning and maia tells her that beth is getting her own department at wayne security, that she’s moving on friday and stella fakes a smile, congratulates beth before she leaves and that’s the end of it, she never sees beth again

but then stella wrecks her motorcycle.  i think i mentioned once that stella is a little bit of an adrenaline junkie??  well she’s a huge adrenaline junkie and she was testing the limits of her newly redesigned bike, pushing it past 90, 120, 150 and then she just??  loses control of the motorcycle.  it just spins out and stella tries to stop it, turns into the spin and pumps the brakes which slows it down enough that she doesnt just fucking die, but not so much that she’s not close to dying

beth is still her emergency contact.  so beth gets the call, middle of the night, that stella danvers was in a wreck, is on the way to the hospital and that she should get here as soon as possible.  but beth is a ten hour drive away and can’t possibly know that she’d get there soon enough, be there if....if it came down to stella not being alone.  and.  well.  its not her place, never was.  so she calls lena, tells her the emts called the last number stella called bc its so much easier that way, kinder to everyone she thinks

she still drives through the night to national city.  gets there just a little after maia does, her eyes red and puffy from sobbing on the freeway, hands shaking a little.  thank god no one asks why she’s there or why she’s this panicked, bc she’d probably tell them and she knows that’s the last thing stella would want (or, well.  she thinks that at least).  maia just sobs out that beth is the best friend for coming, holds onto her in this desperate, damp sort of hug and beth just stays quiet

beth doesnt stay after she finds out stella woke up, is going to be okay.  she can’t right??  she shouldnt be here in the first place right??

so maia stays in national city to help stella in her recovery bc stella’s being stubborn and refuses to move back in with their moms, and maia figures most of her moping is to do with the fact she’s not allowed anywhere near her motorcycle anymore, but then she finds this one shirt that she knows is beth’s, knows beth has had since high school and its tucked under stella’s pillow and she puts it together pretty quickly.  the way they were friends and then all of a sudden they werent, the way beth came running back to nc the second stella got hurt, that weird pulse of anger, hurt she felt when stella found out beth was moving to charm city.  and like???  she doesnt know what to do with that information, she’s not sure what to feel or how to think about this so she just files it away for a later time, tucks the shirt back under stella’s pillow without saying anything

so eventually stella gets convinced to move back home, bc maia’s like hey.  i dont mind living with you and i dont mind helping you, but the neighbors are starting to think its weird that i carry you up the three flights of stairs to your apartment every day so finally stella moves home and maia comes with her bc they’re finally in a good place again??  they finally worked things out between them from when they were kids and maia’s not about to leave stella, not when stella’s like finally started seeing her as another Certified Safe Place.  so they’re back in their childhood bedrooms and then lena finds out about stella’s vigilantism.  mostly by accident??  stella’s still p much out of commission until her body’s at a 100 percent again but lena finds the mask and its a whole Thing between them, the first time stella’s ever really fought with lena and then by natural extension, kara finds out and then maia clues in and then the whole family has an opinion on it and stella’s just like MCFUCK OFF

and maia??  is like desperately scared for her sister, and she’s angry and she’s hurt that she didn’t tell her, didnt think that she would do anything to help her, but she also knows how isolated stella feels, how helpless she must be feeling, how stuck she is, so she calls beth

and when beth is beating around the bush with it, playing dumb like idk why you’d call me??  stella and i really aren’t that close, maia just calls her out on it like.  elizabeth, i know for a fact you were sleeping with my sister

oh

yeah, oh.  i have some words to share with you at a later date, but right now stella needs someone in her corner and that can’t be me 

and beth doesnt like.  doesnt even hesitate.  she drives her shitty beat up jetta the ten hours it takes to get from charm city to national city and gets a shitty hotel and is so, so nervous??  bc what if stella doesnt want her here??  what if she never wants to see beth again???  but then maia’s texting, saying that the house is empty if she wants to talk to stella and she does, she really does, like?  she didnt realize how big of a part of her life stella was until she was gone, until she had moved to a new city and met new people like she’s completely in love with stella, so she goes

stella opens the door and just stares for a second before she says that maia’s out for a while but beth just keeps looking at her and finally says it outright, says i’m here to see you, stella like its the most obvious thing in the world and stella’s so tired, she’s starting to close the door and she’s saying i dont need another lecture, i’ve had enough of those for a lifetime and beth lets her close it, knows her well enough to know she wont walk away from the door before beth does, so she calls through and says im not here to lecture you, stell.  i just.  i wanted to see you

the door opens

and its incredibly uncomfortable for a while, incredibly tense and when beth tries to ask her what’s going on, stella just hisses what, like you care?  and beth like??  normally would fire back with something, normally would let this blow up into a fight but she’s thought about it, she really has, and she knows that any time she can have with stella is better than no time at all.  that she’d rather take stella as she is, thrill seeking and too good for words and hard headed in the extreme, take the risks that come with her than have anything else.  so beth nods.  yeah.  i care.  i care a lot about you stella, and i shouldnt have forced you to make a decision like i did.  but its scary when the girl you love doesnt see the same value in her life that you do and it was terrifying watching you leave every night and not being sure if i would wake up to your face on the news

and stella’s like??  shit.  shIT, didn’t account for this at all.  but beth is very steady, is giving her this even-keeled look, keeping her eyes on stella but not forcing eye contact and she finally stands, gets ready to leave 

and she tells stella i love you.  and believe me when i say that transcends boundaries like platonic and romantic.  i love you, stella danvers, and i will always be here for you, in whatever way you want me to be and then she’s leaving 

and stella has a choice to make, two paths she can take and she stands a little unsteadily and grabs beth’s hand and pulls her back 

and she’s like im still pretty stupid, you’re aware of that, right?  and beth laughs, refutes the statement as she rests her forehead against stella’s.  you’re not stupid, stella, never stupid.  a little dense sometimes...  and stella laughs too before she admits, finally, i love you too, genius.  and i dont think i can keep doing this without you?  and she tries to backpedal, bc she’s worried she’s being manipulative or something but beth just shakes her head, says im going to kiss you now, ok?  and stella’s nodding fast, tears finally starting to fall when it all hits her and then they’re kissing for the first time in six months and theyre maybe still kissing when everyone comes home and maia groans bc like i texted you specifically so i could avoid seeing this ugh you guuuyyysssss

[annabellsr]

So after my girlfriend stopped by my place only to find my roommates kid not only in my room but wondering the house, alone, and playing with a straight razor (not the first time any of us have found him alone with sharp objects like razors or knives) and literally begging to be changed she came and told me and i flipped. I called DHS. Told em everything ive seen and everything i knew. Two days later they showed up at her door. Later that same day i stop by the house and she confronts me. Saying she knows it wasnt me who called cause im "not that stupid".

Welp. Lmao. Guess what honey i am that stupid.

Wanna know why? Because your child is 3 and can barely form sentences. Because he has a stage 4 blood disorder yet you wont get up with him in the morning, child proof your house, or let him stay in your room. And lets look into that for a moment shall we? You got a new boyfriend and basically moved him in immediately but he hasnt paid any bills. Not to mention its been max 3 months and yall share finances now? Oh but what about his lack of finances considering he got fired for lying. And thats not the first time you or i have heard him lie. And if that wasnt enough, after a month of yall dating hes taken over as the one in charge of disciplining YOUR child?? And he lays hands on the poor kid. Who, let me just remind you, is only acting out because of everything your baby daddy put him through and your straight up lack of parenting. Oh and above that all this kid fucking wants is some human interaction but your boyfriend has even admitted he sees red and gets violent thoughts when ever the kid whines. And wont let him in YOUR bedroom with the two of you. Above that you have him in timeout more than i even see you talk to him. ABOVE THAT when i do hear you talk to him and you are annoyed ive literally heard you look at your 3yr and say "i dont even like kids" "i shouldnt have had you" and " i fucking hate you/children". You know he understands that right? Not to mention your kid lacks so much human connection he will call any female that talks to him "mom" or "mama". And hes started calling your bf "daddy" a month and a half in. And on top of that the poor kid has nightmares just about any time he sleeps dude. Screaming "no daddy" "help help" and just "no". Its horrible. But you would rather get dick than have your child sleep in your room with you. So yeah i called fucking child services. And no that doesnt make me stupid. What makes me stupid is not seeing the warning signs before i crashed with you. What makes me stupid is not calling sooner. What makes me stupid is putting myself in a position where you could possibly kick me out. Which, not to be that bitch, but you couldnt do anyway because you are not the landlord, and i know your unemployed man aint gonna pay half your rent. And i know you dont make enough cause thats why i started helping you in the first place. And im still not over the fact you literally were showing off all the underwear and sex toys youve bought this last month instead of paying your rent on time (which for the record i had my half on time because thats what you do as an adult you fucking pay bills first half fun later) and then legit 3 days later was asking me to buy you and your little dysfunctional family food cause you apparently didnt have any food. But you had 100+ to spend at the porn store. Or the day before that when you bought 5 bags of wendys food because your man got stoned and told you to. But at least thats not a worry anymore considering your car was repoed because you didnt pay the bill. Then you try asking me for rides?? Bitch with what car?! Oh right you think just cause your man mooch off you thats how every relationship works and i can just use my girlfriend's car willy nilly. Nah bitch.. Thats her car. She makes her payments, she owns that car. Therefore she is the one you need to be asking and not me. But you know you mistreated her you know you dont have the balls to ask her for shit. So im not surprised when you or your broke ass nigga dont text her but try to guilt trip me instead.

Get yo shit together boo ❤