#//he thinks he's so punny...

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 331

Demon twins? Demon twins. 

Damian? Good at the assassin side of things, at least for a four year old, but Danyal? He’s okay, but he’s far better at things like poisons and bookkeeping. Which is honestly? Okay. They’re the League of Shadows, and sure a majority of the members are assassins, but it’s definitely not all there are. So? Danyal starts getting medical training. 

Not to say that either of the boys don’t know their fair share of violence and healing- it’s just better to let them play to their strengths. One doesn’t keep a league over centuries if they just have one type of warrior, or even just warriors. A variety is needed. 

So one gets trained more towards the business side of things. Damian may be better at wielding the weapons and killing- even if neither have had their first kill quite yet- but Danyal shows far more proficiency at acting, at masking who he is and gathering information. 

Damian, when he’s first sent to their Father, doesn’t mention his twin. Not because he’s jealous or hates him or anything like that. You just don’t talk about someone in an undercover mission in the League, and it’s not something he realizes isn’t a rule everywhere. 

Needless to say, the Bats have more than a mild freakout the first time Damian mentions a twin who will be coming to the manor now that his mission is over. 

[punnifullife]

Everyone else was looking crusty dusty and they had this man looking so fine for no apparent reason like realistically they should’ve been at most in their mid 30s they had them all looking like they were in their 60s 💀

LMAAO it'S SO TRUEEE. like shitt poor bb.

but ig thats your 30s for ya. some people age better than others

[imthepunchlord]

Since the show gave us two different Cat hero designs for Adrien, I kinda wonder what people like/prefer between them.

[dawnbreakersgaze]

A treat no one asked for 💜

Sometimes I get waaaaay too into drawing Greyson’s office 😩🥴

But I guess that’s what self indulgence is all about right? Right. Full-size here

[lucemxnox]

Sometimes I’m about to make a dead dad joke online, and then I remember that people don’t actually like those.

[le--fruitcake]

Lilac, lollipop, tiger!

D'aww, thank you!! I should probably post more, but I believe in quality over quantity!

That's so sweet! I'd like to think we're already friends! I don't ask just anyone for music recommendations, you know :3

I can't help but wonder precisely what "dumb but gracious" means in this context... Are my puns awful, but well thought-out? Is it the sounds I make when startled, followed by my quick recovery like nothing happened? I don't suppose you've seen my physical humor, so that can't be it... I'm really glad you find me funny in any case!! I try my best.

[stayininmylane]

I never thought about what happened to Powers. I didn't even think about the fact that Pink Princess was shoved under the rug! I suppose he was still invited to the award event, and he was still kept in touch with for roles involving suit acting, so at least there's that...

In regards to Edgeworth's reaction though...

This reminds me of that one post about what an Edgeworth tumblr blog would look like. Especially with how he would completely dissociate his image from his blog and *only* talk about the Steel Samurai.

will powers being in universe a big ugly hairy guy (funny to a western audience who without fail go ‘hugh jackman !!’ upon first seeing will powers) in a show about fighting and his trial unmasking him and making him unpalatable as a male lead and getting him fired by global studios and then him being replaced within the year by a significantly younger public-facing pop idol whose show is about a love triangle is incredibly interesting to be an almost totally unremarked upon background event. same for investigations indicating that global studios went full scorched earth on nickel samurai after the engarde scandal not only dropping the character completely and going back to the steel samurai but turning to kaiju movies instead. creator of four hour ‘the nickel samurai: the boom and bust of a franchise’ video essay about how the lead being a murderer was really the least of the show’s problems revealed to be edgeworth wearing a steel samurai mask and using a voice changer after gumshoe walks through the back of a shot

[theobservatory]

｡⁠☆Loser Boyfriend｡⁠.ﾟ⁠+⁠ 

☆Cw: one use of "her", Mina calls you girl once, embarrassment, fluff, humor, rookie!prohero!deku

"Izuku, dude, no offense, but how did you land that?"

Izuku turns to Denki, looking just as lost as he does. There's a little flush on his cheeks and a wide eyed expression on his face. The boy looks like a confused baby dear, which truly only adds to Denki's confusion.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"Teach me your ways." Denki says, comically whipping out a notepad from his pants pocket. "Did you grovel? Cry? Feed her a love potion but disguise it as juice so that she would drink it, but have no clue what it was?"

"N-No of course not!... And I'm pretty sure that would be illegal anyway..."

Denki shrugs, "Hey I don't know your life. You could be into some weird shit on the down low, you seem the type!"

Izuku responds with an eye roll. If anyone 'seems the type' it's Mineta and Denki himself. They turn back towards you instead of continuing the conversation. You're still in the same position you were in before; fully leaned over the back of the couch, legs closed with one slightly hanging in the air, while the rest of you is inside Mina's personal space giggling at something she's showing you on her phone.

You're in some cute little outfit that Izuku helped you pick out, a rare case, since Izuku still wears almost exclusively punny t-shirts and sweats. The only reason he helped is because it's your first time meeting his friends and former classmates, you just wanted to make sure the outfit wasn't too little or too much. This is not to say he was much help.

Izuku feels almost entranced by you, and you're not even looking at him. You haven't glanced his way since Mina took your attention, actually. Izuku could start pouting if he wasn't too busy ogling your backside. He's so busy he misses the picture Denki snaps at the enraptured look on his face.

"C'mon man, let's go raid the snacks before Kaachan forces us to leave the kitchen."

Denki's arm around Izuku's shoulder shakes him out of his stupor and he nods in agreement, not really having heard what he said at all. He allows Denki to lead him to the kitchen with only minimal glancing behind his back, just to get a little more time to soak in your image.

But he doesn't expect your eyes to catch. He has no time to prepare for the heat in his pink cheeks to spread to his ears, no time to prepare for your smile to make his heart thump in his chest. It makes him lightly stumble in his steps and turn to face forward again, feeling incredibly embarrassed.

"Oh, Izu! Can you come back for just a sec?"

Izuku breaks out of Denki's hold with not a single lick of hesitation, embarrassment be damned. His world shortens and zooms in when you talk, the feeling of embarrassment, as well as Denki's voice, becomes muffled in the face of it. None of that matters if you're the one who needs him.

"Look at this picture Mina has of you!"

It's the picture All Might took of him before he bulked up. The one where he's dirty and sweating and crying after trying to haul a fridge across a beach. Izuku thinks he might die. Where did she even get that picture?

His face must say a lot, because both you and Mina burst out laughing. You're trying to reassure him, but you're laughing so hard you're struggling to gain a breath to string words together. If the floor swallowed Izuku whole right now, he would be grateful. It was a terrible idea to bring you to meet his classmates, especially a gossip like Mina.

"Oh, baby no, don't look like that!" You gasp, placing a hand on his shoulder. It's not nearly as comforting as you're trying to make it be.

"Izuku you look like a total loser, good thing you gained some muscle there, pipsqueak!" Mina chortles.

"Oh stop it! He doesn't look like a... Loser... I think it's cute!"

"Keep telling yourself that!"

Izuku has never considered the merits of getting hit by a bus before, now is a better time than ever to start.

Your arms wrap around him, and he instinctually hugs you back. You press your still smiling face into his chest, and turn towards Mina, still a little breathless.

"It's okay Izuku, I'll protect you from Mina's mean words." You giggle.

Mina is quick to start booing you, but Izuku doesn't miss the picture of him being sent to an unsaved number in her phone. Oh she's going to get it next time they spare together, and he will make absolutely sure it is soon. She doesn't get to run away from the enemy she has created today.

"Whose side are you even on, girl?" Mina huffs playfully, turning back to her phone and sitting back down on the couch.

The party goes smoothly after that, mostly because Izuku doesn't leave your side for the rest of the night. He refuses to let any of his other classmates show you blackmail. Even when you go to the bathroom he stands right outside the door, waiting for you to come back. At one point during the night Katsuki told him he looks like a stray puppy, and before he could deny it, you responded, "it's cute, part of his charm". He elected to ignore the way it made his chest puff out.

He likes to believe you think of him less as a puppy and more of a guard dog. He will not be confirming or denying this with you.

Before long, the party is over. Despite the little mishap with Mina earlier, he's satisfied. You were both fed well, and you very clearly had a good time with his friends, so he considers the night a success. He knew that you'd been nervous about the whole thing, his reassurances hadn't done much to sway you, but you had a great time. Just like he said you would.

As he's pulling the car out of the driveway, you turn to him, a mischievous smile spread across your face. Izuku hopes you don't notice how heavily he swallows when you look at him, your expression is making him nervous.

"Mina sent me that picture of you."

The car lurches as he slams on the brakes. "She gave you her phone number?! Noo she's gonna show you how much of a loser I am!" He whines, putting his head into the steering wheel.

"Izu, my love, you are a bonafide prohero who's about to hit the top 30 barely two years out of highschool, you are not a loser."

Izuku turns to you with a wobbly smile, forehead still lying on the steering wheel. "U-Uhm no, I totally am. Hero work aside."

You giggle, his heart stutters again.

"Well you're my loser then."

"Yours?" Izuku flushes.

"Mine."

And well, being a loser isn't so bad if it means he gets to be yours. Your boyfriend. Your guard dog. Your puppy. Your loser. Your anything. He can be anything, as long as he's yours.

Love men who are losers and very smitten for their sweethearts, what can I say

｡⁠☆Requests open

[cod-dump]

When they're very drunk:

Soap: Hyper-stupidity. Any intelligence he possesses sober is gone. He doesn't know logic anymore, he's saying the dumbest shit known to man but has enough self-awareness left to know it wasn't right. His own worst enemy, the videos from nights out haunt him. He thinks the solution is him just keeping his mouth full, so he drinks more or eats everything in sight.

Gaz: Slap happy, he's giggling at everything. Punny jokes are his kryptonite, comedic timing isn't needed. A loud noise is making him lose it. No filter during this, he's saying whatever comes to mind and he's cackling over it. He's hilarious, he loves everyone but he's talking shit to their face. Very touchy, he's petting someone's hair and grinning.

Ghost: Either the saddest man in the pub or the wittiest. Dry humor, comebacks coming off the bat without thought. He's insulting someone before he's aware of what's coming out of his mouth. That or he's curled up on his nearest friend demanding comfort while he's silently contemplating all his life regrets from death to what he had for breakfast.

Price: Asshole ×4, he's mean enough for everyone in 141. He wants to fight, he's arguing with everyone over everything. The only people he's not punching is his favorite people ever. He's fighting people for other people, anyone that's even briefly looking at him is getting it. The only person not getting it is the bartender or waiters.

Nikolai: The 'sober' one. He's not acting any different, maybe a bit more touchy. He's herding everyone, mediating situations, a bit mouthy with everyone. There's a sergeant under each arm, he's dragging everyone out when he sees the drinks run dry. Very in control of himself (he doesn't remember anything in the morning).

Laswell: Mean/Sad. The perfect combination of a woman who's sad over not seeing the sun and angry the table over is a bit too loud. She's regretting life, she's insulting the man's next to her entire being while his only crime was daring to sit next to her. She will be man-handled out of the pub by the end of the night and having a fit about it.

Graves: Very flirty, very touchy, he's turning up the charm a 100%. He is flirting with anyone who makes eye contact five seconds too long. He's got at least three numbers by the end of the night. Doesn't go home with anyone, absolutely doesn't remember making out with anyone if that happened. Leaves very generous tips.

Rudy: Sleepy/sad. He's mean the first few drinks then he mellows out to a pitiful mess who desperately needs to go to bed. He's laying his head on the bar while stuffing food into his mouth and complaining about everything. Will walk out the moment he's had enough. Has woken up on a bench, having no idea where he is.

Alejandro: Incredibly clingy, mouthing off to anyone who will listen. Personal space is nonexistent, no boundaries. Laughs at the unfunniest stories. Bad jokes all night, he's stealing people's food/drinks. Singing loudly (and badly) on the way home, he will be gagged before they make it back.

Farah: Somber, keeps to herself. Doesn't engage with others unless they make an effort to include her. Needs a hug, will not settle for just a quick side hug. She stares into her drink like it's a portal to another world, tiny sips but the drink is gone faster than anyone realizes. Will steal someone's jacket for herself by the end of the night, they might not get it back by the next day.

Alex: Forgets how to phrase sentences, caveman speak at most. He's giggling at his own inability of speech. He's red as a tomato, nervous laughter. Someone flirts with him? Dead, he's done for. He's burying his head in his arms and trying not to scream. Passes out in the car in the ride home.

[amywritesthings]

Hi love!! Can I ask for some fluff with our man when we are still in bed, waking up and just talking about future? Like Levi's dream of owning a tea shop is so cute

i got you xo

window shopping.

pairing: levi ackerman x f!reader word count: 880 warnings: 18+ mdni, light oral sex (f!receiving), naked laying in bed, overall fluff and banter, set in the flackbacks and universe of silver underground. credit: divider by @saradika-graphics

"Nice to Mint You."

You're met with deep, disappointed silence.

"Jasmine-d to Meet You."

An unimpressed baritone groan rumbles against your cheek.

"...that really the best you got?"

It takes everything in you not to vibrate from your own amusement, knowing damn well that Levi's eyes must be glued to the back of his head from how hard he's rolling them in exasperation.

With pursed lips, you nuzzle your cheek back into the soft bare expanse of his chest. "...nice to... matcha—"

"Enough."

The dam breaks, and you're left bursting into quiet giggles when his strong hand pulls you closer to his body.

Easily you mold closer, gliding a palm along the flex of his abdomen until your arm has returned to its original place. Your fingers tickle the curve of his torso, barely brushing the white sheets below.

To think the two of you once lived a life where you couldn't spend the twilight hours of the day like this: in a proper bed with proper sheets and pillows; left to talk about nothing, nonsense, until the sun came up and you returned to his shadow.

Lieutenant and Captain.

"What?" you feign innocence, lifting your head to observe the miniscule scowl pinching his eyes to a narrow. "Every tea shop on the surface has a punny name."

"Not if they have a bit of damn self respect, they don't," he mumbles, still idly tracing circles into the flesh of your upper arm.

"I'm wounded."

"I'm sure you are." Caught red-handed in a lie; a grin stretches your mouth, causing his eyes to narrow further. "Brat."

"I'd rather be a brat than boring."

"Oh, yeah?" he challenges, voice still an octave lower from just waking up. "Is that what I am to you? Boring?"

"A real snooze."

You lie again, but you're persuaded otherwise when that hand on your arm snakes between flesh to tickle under your armpit. Immediately you jolt, trying to keep your voice down as you protest in panic.

"No! No, I'm kidding, don't, I'm sorry—"

"Shhh."

Levi pushes forward, landing in a position hovering above you. The arm that was once wrapped around your body now rises so his palm can cradle your face.

"So goddamn loud," he reprimands without heat. "You wanna wake up the rest of the shitheads?"

"As if they don't already know," you protest with a sigh, relaxing once you're certain he isn't about to launch an attack.

"They don't."

"Uh-huh."

For a moment, you stare. Focus, on the way his black fringe messily hangs over his stormy eyes. He's grown out his hair whether he'll admit it or not. You often find yourself wondering that it could look like longer.

"I'm losing you," he states, bringing you back to the present with him. "What's on your mind?"

You blink back into your body and really look into his eyes.

When you once dreamed about coming to the surface, you thought a thunderstorm would best these eyes. You've seen over a dozen storms at this point. None have ever compared.

"The fact that you don't wanna name your tea shop something cute."

"Who said I wanted to own one?"

"As if you wouldn't cream yourself at the idea of getting good, quality leaves to put the rest of the Walls to shame." Your brows slide high on your forehead. "Am I wrong?"

A pause settles.

His tongue clicks against the roof of his mouth.

"Tch. It's not gonna have a cute name."

"Then what do you wanna name it?"

Lifting your chin, the tip of your nose grazes his.

"Indulge me."

"Fine. Got one."

"Sure."

His legs slide under the thin sheet to hook around yours. You lift your hips and shift with him to accommodate the press of his body.

For the longest time he stares, studying you, before finally mumbling three words.

"...Humanity's Strongest Brew."

He must sense you're about to howl, because his hand leaps off of your cheek to press full against your mouth. And he's right to do it: you nearly betray your location by laughing outright, head tilted back.

"S'funny to you, huh?" he grunts.

"Mmm!"

Trying to speak, to tell him that you're good, you won't alert the neighboring scouts, you wave a hand in his face. His gaze narrows to slits before eventually letting up.

"I swear, James—"

"No!" you interrupt in a whisper, fighting demons to conceal your giggles. "No, it's amazing. I'm serious."

"Fuck off."

"I mean it, Levi! But — shit, if you thought my puns were bad—"

"I'm done talking," he decides, kissing between your breasts. "Gonna make you pay for laughing."

"Wait!"

He makes a point to crawl down your body, kissing a trail of sloppy kisses at the middle of your ribcage to your belly button.

"I promise you, it's a great name."

He answers by grabbing the edge of the sheet and ripping it over his head, disappearing under the fabric.

"Levi—"

When he hooks your left thigh over his shoulder and dives in to bury his face against your center, you gasp sharply and grab the pillow behind your head. He hums against your clit, satisfied by the silence.

"Not laughing so hard now, huh?"

Before you can answer, he dives back in to devour his breakfast.

[scribbly-somethings]

I love this hc also for the implication that Leo doesn’t like to think about the darker topics. Kind of goes along with that fear of death analysis, yknow? He hates to think about those things because they genuinely terrify him, it genuinely terrifies him to think about scenarios where injuries have consequences and mistakes have real repercussions, he hates to think about scenarios where his family are in those places, so he surrounds himself and his whole personality with funny and joking and slapstick. It's like,, disliking something so much that you try to avoid it/correct it by being extra on the opposite side. He’s polarizing.

hm. That also would paint the beginning scenes of the movie in a different light- being leader means needing to think about the harder decisions, and of course he wouldn’t want that, so he hikes up the carefree and lackadaisical act not JUST to prove to his brothers that he’s not able to be a competent leader, but also as a personal shield against the fears he’s fought so hard to avoid.

One of my favorite headcanons is that Leo grew up watching telenovelas with Splinter.

It just works so well - his bits of Spanish that he spouts randomly, his showy way of apologizing, and, of course, his love for dramatic betrayals all point to this being a very real possibility.

Plus, it’s very cute to imagine a tiny Leo at his father’s side as they both gasp in shock when the show’s eighth plot twist in just as many episodes happens.

[tbaluver]

Hello! I’ve recently gotten into love and deepspace. I love your writing and I was hoping to request some Sylus fluff or a headcannon of all the boys! Whichever you prefer. I’d love to see them comforting or caring for a chronically ill reader. I got diagnosed with POTS recently and doing even basic task has become a struggle. If that’s something you’d like to write, I think it’d be really cute. Thank you!!

Taking Care Of Their Chronically Ill S/O- The Love And DeepSpace Men

parings in order: Xavier x Reader, Zayne x Reader, Rafayel x Reader, Sylus x Reader genre: fluff / comfort a/n: hihi punny ! i hope you're enjoying the game !! and i'm really sorry to hear you're going through this and it's remember to know you're not alone in this. i hope you're able to get the support and care you need to make things easier. if you ever need someone to talk to or get your mind off anything, i'm here for you! ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) i hope you this was alright and i hope you enjoy this and if i have the time ill try to write a sylus fluff !! ٩(^ᗜ^ )و ´-

⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆

Xavier:

You would have to tell him what exactly you're going through to know what is going on. He'll research and look up everything on what you're going through until he's sure he knows what he has to do. He'll do his best to learn the necessary terminologies for whatever you're going through.

Obviously he would want to help. He'll reassure you that he is fine with helping you even if it were the smallest tasks like grabbing something for you or helping you write down something. He would never find anything you asked for to be a burden as long as it helps you take the weight off your shoulders.

He'll pick up anything on the floor and ensure that the house is generally safer for you. He would also try to find yummy foods that you can eat in your condition. He would also try them out with you so you don't feel alone.

I think he would also be good at making you feel validated and understood on the days when any pressure seems to build up.

He would try to stay up with you if you had a rough and sleepless night and make sure you can relax as much as possible first. He'll read you anything or watch movies with you or do whatever you want to get your mind off any discomfort.

Zayne:

He's always reading up on your symptoms and possible treatments for you. He would also have your routines memorized and know when to take your meds or ointments. If he wasn't able to stay home with you, he would text or call on his break to make sure you're okay and if you've taken what you need.

He never makes you feel like it's your fault or your a burden whenever you apologize to do something for you. He is more than happy to help and assures you there is nothing to apologize for. He is happy to be there and with you in any way he can be.

He'll also have a mini notebook or he'll have his notes app that tracks everything that happened to you. Things like foods you can't eat or updates from your checkups. Anything he can record just in case he needs to bring it up to the doctor.

Anything that's on your mind, he'll listen quietly to you rants and he'll talk you out of a bad state of mind.

He's familiar with medication due to his patients and his studies. If it's something he'll be unfamiliar with then he'll look up the side effects and makes sure that you at least have something in your stomach before you take it. It's important for him that you tell him what you're feeling. If you find the aftertaste of your medication unpleasant, he'll offer you a sweet treat after, as long as it's something that won't negatively impact your health.

Rafayel:

You'll have to explain what you're going through and as soon as he understands what you're going through, he will make it his priority to cheer you up and take care of you as much as he can.

He will always try to be there for you on your doctors appointments or any major procedures. You don't even need to ask him, he'll already be on his way there. He'll be there for you for support. He would also want to make sure you're being properly cared for.

When you're resting at home, he'll cling to you. He'll happily tell you any stories or talk about anything to you when you lack the energy to talk.

If you're slower than usual, he'll approach you directly to keep you company. If you stay in bed longer when you wake up, he'll ask if you need anything but he'll always bring you food in bed so you have energy. He'll try his best to help you. He'll bring you your favorite sweets, water, blankets, anything you want or need to get through these difficult times.

He'll always remind you how attractive you are, even if you don't feel it. Especially on days where you'll have post or pre-flare up or just a bad day in general where you don't feel like you don't look good. He'll always remind you how beautiful and how loved you are.

If you ever need space, he'll sit by the opposite wall so he's not far from you if you needed anything. If you need him to distract you, he'll chat about anything to you. If you need help with new exercises, he'll practice them with you or show you videos of what he saw online and try them with you.

Sylus:

He'll stand by you through every challenge. Whatever you're facing, he'll be there to support you.

He remains very understanding about what you're going though. He'll never make you feel guilty for being too painful or uncomfortable to do an activity or an outing with him. He'll put those aside and try his best to comfort you. Whatever is troubling you, he'll be there to listen and support you, always ready to care for you.

He is extremely attentive to signals of pain or any discomfort that you may make. He can use his evol to carry you but he's always willing to just carry you himself whenever you're feeling fatigue more than usual. He'll pick you up and bring you to any room you would like to be at. No matter where you would like to stay, he'll make the room comfortable for you. If you want to stay in bed, he'll smooth out the sheets and pat the mattress to make sure there are no crumbs in it and the pillows would be fluffed to your liking.

He'll also cook or bring your favorite meals to you so you can eat comfortably. He'll even run the perfect temperature when you want a bath or a shower and he'll add any herbs or salts to soothe any aches in your body. If your comfortable with it, he'll shower you himself. He doesn't want you too use too much energy and wants you to relax as much as you can.

Will hire the best doctors for you and he'll call the doctors regularly to monitor the progress of your treatments because your health is very important to him. He will sit by your side through every trip to the doctor. He'll be by your side on the bathroom floor or any bad nights.

If there is a time that he cannot be by your side, he'll either have one of the twins or both to watch over you. He'll literally give them specific and direct instructions on what you will need. As long as you feel the weight off your shoulders. Just in case, he'll have Mephisto to watch over you and if anything were to go wrong he'll be home as soon as he can.

During sleepless nights, he'll be right by your side, holding your hand as you both lie in bed. He'll gently kiss your forehead, temple, and hand, offering comfort and reassurance that he's always here for you.

[ckret2]

Was re-reading your fic and a cheesy joke I heard in high school came back to haunt me when I got to the beach scene. Here it is:

"Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?"

"It was over 90 degrees."

On an unrelated note, do you think Ford would ever use geometry jokes/puns?

Comedy gold. I've gotta find a way to work that into the fic.

I'm going to take this question unnecessarily seriously: for me, the core of any "would [character] use [subject matter]-based puns" is "would [character] use puns?" Because, the subject of the puns aside, the world is divided into Pun Lovers and Pun Haters.

My gut feeling says that he'd be a pun hater, given his known grammatical pedantry and the likelihood for puns to break grammar rules. But I never go with a gut feeling when I can go with canon evidence instead.

And I'm coming up blank, do we ever see Ford using puns? Like,, on purpose? There are plenty of creatures with punny names in the journal and such ("plaidypus"), but it's hard to tell whether Ford came up with them or adopted terms that the locals and/or research materials already used for the creatures. Princess Unattainabelle is clearly a pun, but again we don't know whether that was his creation or if she's a stock character pre-written into DD&MD lore, the way Probabilitor is.

Off the top of my head, I can only remember Ford making three jokes, all in TBOB: "the apple pie is made from scratch" / "I must meet the chef who made the atoms"; "can I call you slick?" / "you can call me anything except late for dinner"; and "I have missed you... but my aim is getting better!" Two of those jokes he learned from Bill & his dad. All three of them are based on wordplay, but not based on puns—instead it's taking the less-expected definition of words.

Unless someone else remembers other jokes he's made, I'd call that the most likely basis of his sense of humor.

So, he might not make geometry-based puns; but on the other hand if somebody said "I'm driving straight from Portland to San Francisco!" he might go "wouldn't it be easier to drive there on roads?"

[kiss-my-asymptote]

So, we know Viago names all the poisons he makes ridiculous, punny things (Pillow Talk, the Snuff of Legends, Meet the Maker, and Up and Adder) what do you think he named the stuff he hit the dragons with during Fire and Ice? My money’s on ‘Dragon you to Hell’ or something.

[idcbabyialreadylostmymind]

•Disease

Viktor x God/ess!reader

Synopsis-Viktor is in the verge of death, only a forgotten god can bring him back; what’s his fate?

cw- character death, bad writing, god!reader, writer watched what if when she started this, sexual undertones, kissing, reader is referred as ‘you’, uhhh I gen don’t know what else to put 😭

“I could be the doctor, I can cure your disease…”

Mortals. Primitive, selfish beings, they take so much but give so little. They don’t know it always comes back to bite them in the end.

Jayce eyes shoot open taking in painful gasps of air, delirious he stands up on wobbly legs. Looking around he’s horrified by the carnage that surrounded him. Where the council room once stood only rubble and mangled corpses of the councilors take its place. His breathing quickened, Mel. He searched frantically finding her incoherent, he helped her to her feet before his heart stopped. Viktor.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” Jayce cursed himself before he realized he found his best friend, his partner's body; broken and bloody. Jayce ran towards the dying man. “No, no Vik come on stay with me.” The Talis boy cried, ripping Viktors dirty button, pushing up and down on his chest, hearing the crack of a rib with every compression he gave. His vision went blurry with tears. Viktor couldn’t die, Jayce wouldn’t let him. This isn’t working. I need to get to the lab. Was all Jayce could think, lifting Viktor off the floor racing to their lab.

He threw Viktor down, going through everything he possibly could to save him. There was nothing. How could this be? All those endless nights in the lab, countless nights gone with sleep, how many times they had to run over their morals for the greater good. How could this be? Jayce slammed his hands down on the stretcher Viktors body lies. He hadn’t realized he began crying again. And this time he couldn’t stop. “Please, please, anyone save him. Save my partner. Save Viktor.” He cried out into the air, it was insane, he knew nothing could hear him, help him. He was alone.

•

•

•

“Save him…. Save Viktor.”

Your ears rang over and over, the same phrase repeated over and over and over again until it was scorched into your brain. “Fine. Fine, Fine!” You grimaced walking up the invisible stairs into a room unlike any other; a room full of mirrors all differing in shapes and sizes.

You could see into any universe through these mirrors , anywhere anytime, everywhere all at once. You flowed through time and space, keeping the contingency in balance; but the punny little mortal kept disturbing you. Looking through one of the mirrors you touched the middle of the portal closing your eyes focusing all your energy to find that one little speck. Your terrestrial energy hummed around you; your plane of existence shaking all around you as if a glass ball under pressure about to shatter. Gotcha.

The fog of the portal disappeared and in it replaced a beautifully devastating scene, where one single action could create a new branch of reality. But this man doesn’t seem to be doing anything, but cry.

He was quite pitiful. The other man, the one he cried over, close to death if not already there. An essence radiated all through his dying body, you could feel the power he could hold. What a waste of potential.

You listened closely as the male pleaded and pleaded. “Save him,” he wailed. “I’ll do anything, give anything.” But it wasn’t him you wanted.

You bargained with yourself, if you saved the dying man you could have another soul, another disciple. But then your oath, if you broke then who knows what the Watchers would do.

“But, the Watchers haven’t been heard from in millenniums. I’m sure one life does not matter.” You mutter to yourself taking in a deep breath before you reach into the mirror grabbing Viktors hand and pull his soul from his body and bring him into your realm.

Viktor awoke gasping for air, he looked around panic feeling out his nerves. There was nothing, actually nothing but white, he was in a blindingly white room with no doors apparently. He looked down and saw his body, that was definitely not his. Where his metal protected body once was a white void takes his place, it didn’t feel like his body but a replica of what once was. Just as he went to find a way out a voice caught him. “Finally you’re awake I was wondering when you would—“

“Who are you?” Viktor cut you off from giving your gracious welcome speech, he studied you as you gathered yourself from his rude barbaric homosapien ways. You were indescribable, you went above all meanings of magic or logic he has ever known. Your body was like his but different. Colors of deep hue swished through your glorious temple, unlike his body yours blended with the void as if you bent it to your will. You floated around him ten times his size, terrifyingly beautiful.

“I am everything and nothing.”

“What do you mean?”

You don’t answer him, only swaying back and forth studying the statue in front of you, having truly forgotten how little human bodies can be.

“I heard your mortal man beg for your life, pleading for your soul's salvation.. I can give you salvation, Viktor.” You hummed only bringing Viktor deeper into your symphony of madness. “I can cure your disease.”

“What disease.” If all he can say through all this lunacy. “The disease of death.” You continued voiced strained almost as of this was exciting you, the longer you went on the clearer everything became, the blast killed him and this must be his hell.

“If I am to live again there will be a logical– a right way to do it.” Viktor tried to rebuttal your divine interference.

“Nothing can save you, no medicine, nor any human magic. But I can be your anecdote” You moved so fast Viktor couldn’t even catch your face as you moved back and forth.

“What.. I don’t– I don’t believe this.”

“I can make you believe.” You suddenly disappeared just for Viktor to feel a hand drag down his back.

“You are the flesh maggots adore,” you whisper into his ear, hands feeling his body up. “But I can make you so much more.” Your voice entranced him, enchanting his soul. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’ll transcend any and everything you’ve ever done on that little speck of a planet of yours.”

“How?”

Gosh the questions have mortals always been this annoying?

“I’ll merge the smallest piece of my soul and I'll exchange and you will give me yours.” You explain an exaggerated smile stitched on your small, your face muscles strain he was concerned for you, they would surely cramp if you continued.

“My what?”

“Oh my— your soul. What else?” You look at him as if he was an insolent child and to you he was.

Viktor, well he was calculating whether or not this could be real or not. How out of 1 million probabilities this is the afterlife he was stuck with and if he was lucky this is all a dream and he’ll awake in a hospital, maybe a little sore, but definitely not survived by a forgotten god. As if hearing his thoughts the creature before him pushed him on the ground, straddling him.

“Forgotten’s a harsh word, I’d like to think of it as temporarily disposed of. And like I said before,” you spoke softly, hands caressing his shoulders and face, Viktor’s stomach clenched an unfamiliar and unwelcome warmth filling his body. “No human medicine will work for you. Only I can help you, so let me cure you.” You looked into his eyes, no deeper. It was as if you were connecting with his very being, so he definitely wasn’t thinking with the next words he uttered.

“Fine.”

He gave in way quicker than you thought, you smiled delighted. Getting off of him quickly and lead him to another place of whatever plane of existence you were on. This time there was one thing, a huge pitch black temple, the sculpture looks as if made at the depths of Tartarus. It made one quite unsettled how off it looked compared to the heavenly light that could burn one’s eyes out blazing behind it.

But one thing Viktor was thinking, was how big this place is.

When you two reached the temple and he looked back to you, you had a much more serious expression, your angelic features scrunching up to make an unnatural scowl. He could tell you were never meant to be unhappy.

“Kneel.” Your instruction cut through his ears, slicing his eardrums. Your demand was quite painful. You looked back remorse painting your eyes. But you had to remain in control.

As you knelt beside him you dipped your hand into a golden dish filled with water as pitch as the temple. He hadn’t even realized what was in front of them. An altar. Dawned with candles that never melted, flowers that never wilted, fruit that would never rot. Unfamiliar Oil aromas mixed into his nostrils. Four cups each different in size and style sit on their own corner on the altarpiece. Who knew immortal beings have their own gods?

“Please ancient gods, forgive us for our mortal sins…” you whispered an unintelligible prayer, dipping in the gold dish four separate times kissing your hands in between the dips. You poured all different elements along with the water into a different golden cup. Then you grabbed each chalice and poured blood-like tar out of each speaking what Viktor assumed were names, that even he couldn’t pronounce.

“As you have sacrificed for us we shall for you.”

That caught his attention. He couldn’t even speak when you grab his hand and without a knife cut his hand open with the tip of your fingernail. “W-wha…” He couldn’t even speak as you did the same, your blood pouring out the same as he. He held his hand hissing at the burning pain and you just groaned, snatching his hand back. “Stop being a baby.” You say healing the cut with a wave of your hand over his.

“Now drink.” She said, bringing the golden chalice to his lips deaconing him on. His lips touched the liquid gulping four times, it was bitter and tasted like death.

He watched you as you downed the rest, the red drink dripping down your chest. You look back at him, a new ferocity freed from your soul, grabbing the sides of his perfectly aligned face and smash your lips into his. Viktor was taken aback, he tried to push you away but you were too strong and suddenly he found himself falling into the kiss. Your warm muscle found his lips parting them biting his lip so hard he bleed the metallic taste feeling up your mouth and before he could try and push away it felt as if something was being shoved down his throat. It was excruciating, excessive, euphoric.

As you merged yourself using all your will to not consume his entire being, Viktor felt as if he was at the top of the world. His eyes rolled back in ecstasy, never having felt this much pleasure before it was unreal, unnatural and he needed more.

He grabbed your arms pulling your inhabited body closer, his body sparked a new energy, a powerful energy all through your body, it made you lust for more. Your soul's powerful emergence created a light, The light that was both of you, burned brighter and brighter until it combusted stabbing the white voided room into a black hole.

And then Viktor was gone.

•

•

•

“They broke the oath.” A deep, dark voice spoke.

“This cannot be.” A jittery one shuttered.

“An act of rebellion I tell you. Who knows any deity now will think they can do whatever they want no respect—“ An old shriveled on spouted on and on.

“Quiet.” Said the fourth voice, all falling silent . “They will be dealt with accordingly, but first let’s see what they are planning…..”

Mortals are not the only ones who take things and never give back, Gods are the only real selfish ones; but they never know until the very end.

[chantersboard]

Spackle

2.5K. super!Joel x f!reader. Joel is your building's hot super and he helps put in your air conditioner on a hot NYC day.

warnings: MDNI 18+, smut, no outbreak AU, unprotected piv, creampie, Joel is punny

a/n: I hate that I had to youtube how to install an air conditioner for this because I had my own super put mine in lol. I also got the plant thing from my super. he was really interested in my dragon scale when he caught me bringing it home.

EDIT: thought I should give a quick definition of a super to those that may not know. A superintendent, or more commonly known as a super, is the property manager for an apartment. They often live on-site, or if your landlord owns multiple buildings, usually in a nearby building. They deal with the structure, safety, and cleanliness of the building. If your toilet is clogged you call the super. If you locked yourself out of your apartment you call the super. Supers will also do things like shovel snow, clean shared areas, bring out the garbage for sanitation, and minor adjustments to your apartment such as patching holes and replacing damaged floorboards.

as always you can see #chantersboardwritessometimes for other stuff I've written

Spackle

With labored breath you take the final step to reach the fifth floor. Sweat beads down your face as you haul a load of groceries to your door. You place the bags down and fumble in your pocket for your keys. 

This summer in New York City has been brutal. The temperature is oppressive and the humidity is stifling. In the short walk from the grocery store to your apartment, your thin, breathable top was already sticking to your skin. You needed to cool down but there would be no reprieve, even after you entered your home. While you had purchased a brand new air conditioner, the building’s management still hadn’t answered your email about assistance getting it installed. 

Just as you push your key into the lock and twist the core, your neighbor’s door swings open. 

“Thank you again, Joel.” You hear the old woman say. 

“Of course, Mrs. Nunez,” Joel says. 

The building’s superintendent, Joel Miller, walks out of the old lady’s apartment. He’s an older man, tall with broad shoulders and toned arms. The hair on his sparse beard is sprinkled with gray, much like the thick hair that curls around his ears. He’s a little rounded about his midsection, but it doesn’t distract from how undeniably handsome he is.

“Anytime you need help again just call management.” His voice floats through the air. The southern accent that turns his words into music is out of place in this fast paced city. 

As you push open your door you turn to look at him. His short sleeve navy blue shirt is unbuttoned, revealing a clean white tank top underneath. His jeans sit nicely on his hips, the knees of them the only dirty thing about him, other than his scuffed and paint splattered boots. He juggles his tool bag between his hands and the muscles in his forearms tense and loosen. 

On more than one occasion you have wondered what those arms feel like. A grown man like him, working with his hands all day, carrying around that heavy tool bag. You imagine your hands sliding up his arms, squeezing the muscles along the way before landing on his chest that bursts through his tank. 

You swallow hard, excusing your fantasy on the maddening heat, and wave at the super. 

“Well, if it isn’t Miss Orchid,” he walks across the hall, bringing the scent of cedar with him. Joel very well knows your name but has called you Orchid since he saw you bringing home the flowered plant when you first moved in. You were so gobsmacked at the idea of him giving you a nickname that you let it stick. 

“Good afternoon, Joel,” you say, your eyes trained on his lips curled into an easy smile. Snap out of it! “I was wondering if management spoke to you about my air conditioner?”

Joel’s features twist in confusion. “I don’t think so, lemme check.” He pulls out his phone and scrolls through it for a while. “Nope. I only have a work order here for Mrs. Nunez.”

“Oh,” you say dejectedly. “I emailed them late on Thursday but I guess with Friday and then the weekend they didn’t see it.”

“What’s a’matter, Orchid?” The concern he displays makes you melt even more in the heat. 

“I normally wouldn’t bother you like this but it’s just so hot.” Joel really looks at you then, taking in the way your shirt clings to your curves then looking at the length of your legs in the littlest pair of shorts you could find. You swallow hard again. “I have the support bracket and everything but I didn’t want to put it in wrong or something. I would rather someone who knew better put it in me—for me!—put it in for me, I mean,” you stammer. 

Joel chuckles, the joy in his eyes making him even more attractive. “Well we can’t have a pretty lady like you suffer in this heat. I’ll put it in for ya.”

You sigh in relief. “Thank you so, so much Joel.” You bend to grab your groceries off the floor and notice Joel watches as you do so. The thought of him looking at your behind makes you pulse between your legs. You shuffle inside, head straight for the kitchen, and begin loading the cold things into the fridge. 

“Everything’s there in the living room,” you yell across the apartment. “I’ll be there in a bit. I don’t want these popsicles to melt. Can you put it in that first window?”

You hear Joel moving stuff about, probably pulling the AC out of its box, then you hear the window scraping open. 

“Yeah, this window’ll do just fine.”

As you continue unloading your groceries you can hear more movement, than the whirr of Joel’s power drill. Once the last item is neatly tucked away you yell out into the other room again. 

“Do you want something to drink? Water? Soda? Corona?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

You come out of the kitchen with a popsicle in hand. Joel is bent over, part of his body hanging out the window as he installs the support bracket for the air conditioner. Now it’s your turn to look at his behind. He comes back in and lowers to pick up the AC off the floor. You make no attempt to hide that you’ve been watching him. 

“What about a popsicle?” You ask, dangling the wrapped frozen treat in the air. 

“No, you go ahead and enjoy that, sweetheart,” he drawls. 

You shrug, rip open the package, and bring the red, white, and blue dessert to your lips. The cold sensation immediately washes over you. You close your eyes and welcome the relief. You push the popsicle further into your mouth and moan as the cold syrup slides down your throat. When you open your eyes again Joel is still there, squatting over the air conditioner, looking up at you. 

“That good, huh?” He asks. “Maybe I’ll have one of ‘em after I finish?”

You pull the popsicle out of your mouth with an audible pop and lick your lips. “Yeah, sure.”

The super continues his work. He lifts the heavy machine with ease and pushes it into the open window. You walk over to him and watch as he lowers the window and begins drilling screws into the frame. He opens the fins on either side of the device then screws those into place as well. The whole ordeal doesn’t take long at all with Joel's swift, knowledgeable hands. He takes the dangling power cord and pushes it into the wall socket. 

“Ready to try it?” He asks, his large index finger hovering over the power button. “Come close, now.”

You walk over to Joel and press yourself close to him so you’re both in front of the window unit. “Go ahead,” you say, pushing the popsicle back into your mouth. 

Joel pushes the button and the machine rattles on. For a brief moment it pushes out horribly hot air but then the temperature drops and it hums as it pushes out a steady stream of cool air. 

“Aww, yessss,” you mumble around the popsicle. In your happiness your mouth opens and some of the melted dessert dribbles out. 

“You’ve got—” Joel’s finger brushes up your chin, catching the sugary liquid “—popsicle on ya.”

You look up at him and see desire in his eyes. The image makes your pussy throb. Before Joel can pull his hand away you grab his wrist and wrap your lips around his sticky digit. You swirl your tongue around his thick finger then begin to suck on it. 

His free hand comes to your waist and he pulls you close. Your breasts press against him, your nipples beginning to harden as you continue sucking his finger. Joel lets loose a deep moan. The vibration goes through you and ends at the wetness that has started pooling in your panties. You release his finger as you did the popsicle, the loud pop rings through the room. 

Joel licks his lips as he looks at yours. “Is there anything else I can fix ‘round here?”

A playful grin spreads across your face and you pull on his hand, leading him out of the living room. You discard your popsicle on the coffee table as you pass it and lead him into your bedroom. 

“There’s this hole—” you say, taking a seat on the edge of the bed as you remove your shirt. You lean back onto one of your elbows and spread your legs wide. Joel’s eyes immediately snap to where you rub yourself through your shorts. His own hand feels against the tent growing in his jeans. “—that I’m hoping you can fill.”

Joel smirks, his hard cock pushes against the confines of his jeans. “I might have the right tool,” he says as he undoes the buckle on his pants. He lowers his jeans along with his boxers to his knees, freeing his massive cock. “I would have to see the hole first.”

Your eyes are wide in amazement at the size of him. Joel is large and thick. You watch him wrap his fingers around his dick and lazily stroke himself. His large head bobs with each stroke, the slit at the end already pearling with precum. 

You kick off your shoes and lift your behind off the bed to remove your panties and shorts all at once. You spread your legs wide again and run your fingers through your pussy lips. You’re so aroused there’s an audible wet noise when you spread your lips to show Joel the hole of your waiting cunt. 

Joel tuts and steps between your legs. He presses against your chest with the flat of his hand and forces you to lay down. With his cock in hand, he swipes along your slit, spreading your slick juices over himself. When he speaks his voice is dark. 

“Beautiful fucking flower my Orchid has.” He rubs his head against your clit and you gasp as the pleasure spikes across your body. “Is it as sweet on the inside as it looks on the outside?” 

He lowers his cock to your entrance and slowly pushes himself inside of you. Your legs begin to shake as his thick head spears into you. Deeper and deeper he goes. Inch by agonizing inch he pushes into you, going slowly to give your body time to accommodate the unbelievable size of his unit. He pauses once he’s fully inside and you can see the need twisted in his face. 

“Don’t wanna hurt ya, sweetheart,” he says, pulling out the tiniest bit and pushing back in. “I know it’s big but you’re taking it so well right now.”

You look up in complete awe of him, having no control over the way your pussy squeezes around him. He lowers a thumb to your bud and rubs gently, causing you to throw your head back with a long groan. He slowly pulls halfway out of you, then slides back in. 

He goes a while like this, rubbing your clit tantalizingly slow, and softly pumping in and out of you until he’s able to pull almost completely out then back in with ease. 

Joel picks up the pace as your body relaxes, yet he’s still incredibly large and your tight ring pulses around him. His hips rut faster as his thumb moves quicker. He wants to fuck into you with everything he has. Thrust. He wants your release on his shaft. Thrust. He wants his dick to destroy you. Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. 

“Oh my god, Joel!”

A growl rumbles in his chest. “Yes, Orchid. I think I have the right tool for this hole.” He’s moving faster now. Harder now. He splits you in two over and over again as his giant cock rams into your soaking wet hole. “It needs some drilling!”

Joel completely lets himself go then. Snapping his hips, driving his member in and out of you as his thumb still circles your clit mercilessly. You cry out, pleasure wracking every fiber of you. It’s a lot to take in, the size of him, the mind melting thrusts, the constant pressure on your clit. You’re moaning his name over and over again as the headboard rocks against the wall. You are dizzy with desire and you feel an orgasm is soon approaching. 

Joel removes his finger from your clit and swipes it against his tongue. He savors the taste of you and licks his lips. “You’re fucking sweet, Orchid. You know that? Ya gotta pretty and tasty pussy.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Why don’t you cream on my cock for me? You’re so sweet and tight I won’t last much longer.”

His large hands push on the back of your thighs, folding your legs against you. The subtle change in position allows him to stroke even deeper inside you and his large head now hits against that sweet spot that has you grabbing the sheet underneath you. 

“Jesus, Joel,” you gasp as he continues to ram into you. The wet sound of your pussy mingles with Joel’s moans of pleasure, the melody of your sex creating a heady mix that has the building pressure in your core creep closer and closer to climax. 

“Yes, just like that, Orchid, my sweet fucking flower.” His fingers dig into your thighs and his tempo begins to falter. He’s dangerously close to finishing. “Come for me baby. Come on my cock.”

With a guttural groan your pleasure peaks, the pressure in your core snaps and your orgasm finally washes over you. Joel continues to ram into you, each deep drag of his dick sending more waves of bliss across every inch of your body. 

With a few more thrusts, he follows you. His hands grip onto your thighs and he pulls you tight against him as his cock twitches inside you. His spend releases deep inside you, coating your walls as he moans between deep gasps of air. 

When his cock has finally stopped twitching, he slowly pulls out of you then lowers close to your cunt. He watches the mixture of your release spill out of you before he scoops it in his fingers and pushes it back inside you. 

“Gotta make sure this hole stays filled, Orchid.” Two of his thick fingers slip into you and your sensitive hole tightens around his fingers. “Unless…” he pulls his fingers out and smears the slick along your slit. “You want me to come back another time and try filling it again?”

You peer at him between your legs, still swiping up your slit trying to keep your hole filled. “I might need regular visits,” you innocently say, squeezing your core and forcing some of the come out of you. “This hole just won’t stay filled!”

Joel grins as he continues to play between your lips. “I can’t have you go complainin’ to management that I’m a bad super, now. Give me a call, day or night, and I’ll come and fill that hole again. I’ll fill that hole everyday if that’s what it’ll take.”

You smile at the prospect of getting drilled then filled by your super on a daily basis. “Yes, Joel. I can make that work.”