#//a lot of their friendships are v surface-level/light

[wishesgowrong]

"Hearth's Warming came and went....."

"To be honest, I really prefer Nightmare Night..."

[lesbianrobin]

i was rereading light my way and i'm just curious about how you decided to write eddie as having difficulty forming closer bonds that go beyond doing shared activities together. also in your rockie fic you mentioned eddie never having plans except on certain days. i keep seeing ppl portray the cc boys/older hellfire members as being v close w eddie, and ppl mentioning the list of eddie's friends dustin and max were calling when they were trying to find him as proof that eddie is a social butterfly/v extroverted. i don't disagree but i'm curious about how you decided to characterize him that way.

hi thank u for reading my fics!!

so i know i'm like the odd man out in this and it's entirely just like my own opinion/creative choice like i don't think i'm any more Right than other people. just like to preface my justification. so anyway there are a few different reasons why i went that route!

personally i had a lot of good friends in high school who i literally only hung out with during theatre classes and rehearsals. while we spent a lot of time together and considered each other good friends, we didn't often hang out outside of those activities, and i think that's pretty common as a teenager in school, you know? eddie in particular seems to self-identify as an outsider and he emphasizes hellfire club as a place for "lost little sheepies," which makes me think that maybe he started/joined corroded coffin and/or hellfire specifically to find and keep friends because he struggled to do so otherwise. also, being a DM requires a lot of planning time alone, and so does learning sick-ass guitar solos almost immediately after an album drops, so i think eddie probably spends most of his non-club time either by himself or dealing.

the sheer number of friends they check on when searching for eddie makes me think that eddie is the kind of guy who's outgoing and has a lot of casual friendly acquaintances, but very few people who are actually close to him. in episode one we primarily see eddie with hellfire/corroded coffin, and he is just flat-out performing the whole time. he isn't just having lunch with his buddies in the cafeteria scene, he's holding court. he's putting on a show! it's quite a stark contrast to how he behaves when the group finds him in the boathouse and for the rest of s4, and later in the season we see a far more self-deprecating and unsure eddie. while i do think eddie and the hellfire guys are friends who genuinely like each other, i just don't think they're like... super close. i personally get the impression that eddie is always performing around them, probably because he thinks that being funny and outrageous is What Makes Them Like Him and that he's gotta keep it up or he'll lose them. the fact that he chose to hide out alone in the boathouse indicates to me that he doesn't feel safe enough with any of his friends to have gone to them for help. he didn't think that any of his friends would believe him or have his back, and i think that if he were really close with the hellfire guys, he probably would have gone to one of them first, because i think he was very freaked out by being alone after chrissy's death.

also, on a more practical level, in light my way that just served the story far better. i had zero desire to make up personalities for eddie's friends and write them interacting with the rest of the gang, especially because it would limit my ability to let el just exist as el and let the characters potentially reference Strange Things if they wanted. but of course if they're really close friends of eddie's it would make sense for them to be at his birthday party. so it was just easier to go with the idea that they typically hang out at school and predetermined meetings for hellfire/corroded coffin and that their friendship is relatively surface-level. it also served the emotional arc of the story about eddie finding a sense of belonging! in the rockie fic i put less thought into it, but eddie's hardass nature about lucas missing hellfire in episode one makes me think he's very big on sticking to plans and schedules, and in the rockie fic universe he's become quite good friends with steve and robin, so they can assume with relative certainty that if he's not doing hellfire or with his band he'll be down to hang with them. i imagine they hang out most of the time anyway.

so yeah that's most of it ig?? i also just think eddie is afraid of how people would respond to The Real Him and thus he keeps people at arm's length with his hellfire persona and the only reason dustin and the others managed to crack open his shell and get to the eddie inside is because he witnessed a brutal supernatural murder and was scared shitless. so yeah <3

[13eyond13]

Do you think Light was protective of Sayu as a child? I think so, bc Soichiro's upbringing of him was probably about how you should be a civil citizen, which includes being a perfect son, perfect student AND someone who cares for their family. Also, maybe someone hcs on Yagami siblings dynamic, if it's not too much to ask? I just love to think about them T-T

Yes, that does make sense to me! I think their dynamic in canon was pretty realistic and cute, even if also sliiiightly tropey and cliche with the cool egghead older brother/adoring and less intelligent little sister thingy that is apparently v common in animanga stuff.

I think that even though Light would often act a bit put-upon and huffy about things like Sayu asking him to help her with his homework that he did really enjoy being looked up to by her, and I think he cared about her in a genuine way. We saw him stressing a lot about what to do when she was kidnapped by Mello, and he had to make decisions between rescuing her or carrying on with his Kira plans. As usual the narrative makes sure to leave his motives up for interpretation, but Ryuk points out that Light was likely pretty concerned about her safety when making his moves (even if Light has to also add some sort of "but I'm saving my own skin too!" caveat):

And the scene where L makes him yell by suggesting that Sayu would be the most likely suspect based on Light's profiling of Kira is definitely a good indicator that Light feels protective of both his sister and his dad, lol:

My headcanons are that Light wasn't super jealous of her usurping his role as the baby/only child when she was born, and took to being a big brother very naturally. He probably LOVED teaching her things and kind of bossing her around. I think she was one of the only people he had a genuine friendship with that went a little deeper to the point of teasing each other and letting down his guard and being playful, since he's probably mostly just kept things to a polite surface level with the other students he's hanging out with and going on dates with at school. I think Sayu's personality was pretty heavily influenced by Light's, in that she probably learned to be a little more helpless and unambitious and playful and supportive as a person due to growing up in his serious ambitious golden boy shadow. I bet she went harder on getting really invested in pop culture stuff partially because Light liked to razz her about her frivolous interests, but that it might have actually bothered her that he did that too. I bet she would pick up the "serious" reading material like the newspapers he would lord over her sometimes in secret and attempt to read them to see what he was always so interested in, because she did really look up to him and want his approval and think he was very cool and very smart.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

I just want to say I am absolutely obsessed w all your sincerely me posts. You do such a good job breaking them down and identifying all the little details that go into that scene as well as analyzing what they mean about Jared and Evan separately and ofc their relationship as a whole. Wonderful stuff! Also the compilation of Will doing The Laugh added 10 years to my life so thank u

oh thank you lmao i always enjoy people enjoying those posts, and there’s always so much to dig into with that scene, but i think plenty of times i think people can just sort of let the scene wash over as a “oh, the point of this is just that it’s fun” sort of surface level, very straightforward element of the show, and part of the point surely is that it Is fun, but everything about this song is about evan and jared’s interaction / dynamic / relationship here, and the levity and humor doesn’t mean there’s nothing here to Take Seriously, which is certainly true re: jared in general, rather than him being Jokes Boy with no real feelings or anything (i know i’m already preaching to the choir here with all this “here’s what sincerely me is Really About / what deserves more appreciation re: jared” lmao but the ted talks just Occur)

like, here’s the high point of the whole show for jared, and this moment with evan which is so enjoyable and satisfying that he’s going to keep hanging on to evan’s runaway train in the hopes of getting more of this, particularly in act 2 where that’s truly like 100% of his motivation (vs that in act 1 he’s at least also having some degree of an earnest response to the idea behind tcp along with evan and alana, even if it’s still plenty about doing this With Evan) and like, it’s especially a tragedy re: the album where you Only get jared’s vocals, & have less of his dialogue, so it’s easier to forget he’s there or what his part in this is and that, you know, this wouldn’t be a song if it wasn’t about His And Evan’s relationship, and it’s like 98% the case that “connor” in this song just Is jared

and that yeah like we’ve been recently posting lol how there’s actually really just these endless Layers to this material, a mille feuille of Relationship Analysis that’s getting folded over again and again, where it’s jared and evan for real, but pretending to be other people, and making things up, but trying to make it seem Real, and both taking the other’s feedback into their own writing / working off of the other’s contributions, and evan could be seeing “connor” through the lens of what little he knows about actual connor, or projecting himself onto someone he realizes was similar to him in ways, or being informed about Friendship via his own relationship with / perception of jared, who’s in a similar position here re: what’s behind his Inspiration or Interpretation, which roles are Him, or Evan, or ostensibly connor, and what all projection or wish fulfillment or Interpreting is going on around here, not to mention that these two Real People’s Real Dynamic is unfolding right in front of us and is very directly what’s going Into these created emails (which do, apparently, seem like the record of an amazing friendship according to cynthia and then like, a bunch of other people) because this whole writing session is this collaborative back and forth which wouldn’t be happening in the first place if evan didn’t turn to jared for input/help with anything and if jared didn’t want to be involved in evan’s life and be someone evan Wants to seek out like this and you know, how delighted jared is to have evan’s attention, even if as he starts giving evan what he’s actually after here, evan’s attention seemingly shifts over to “connor,” even though that’s jared.....still not a direct Win for jared there, see: him in the reprise, trying to put a “jared” into the story as well, since evan’s invented relationship with jared!connor isn’t actually translating into evan being closer / more interested in actual jared....what about jared!jared......now i’m even thinking about jared getting that highest note harmony at the end of sincerely me.....pay attention to Him

thinking allllllways about how jared completely invents the chorus himself, expecting evan to approve, and with no input from evan, just that Approval, and it comes on the heels of also-approved writing for connor about Trying To Be More....Nice.....i’ll turn it around, wait and see...........just about to lie down about the fact that this, on top of what evan’s already made up in for forever, is about trying to make this Hopeful story, because that’s what evan wants for himself, and what he thinks cynthia would find comforting re: connor, and here’s jared like, okay, so your Supposed relationship didn’t look that warm & amazing from the outside, but how about if it just had a lot of Potential, like, HMM!!! lots to consider there!! but then Oof at the fact inevitably the story falls apart and so does jared’s hopes for his relationship with evan, even though like, connor died & never had that friendship with evan, & jared is probably still alive & Did have a connection with him & is presumably still out there, able to be talked to, maybe try reinventing and giving things attention, you know

just that Yeah lmao the tl;dr here is people mostly going like wow lol what a fun song, &/or a gay song, & it’s like, well sure but for one thing, all of that is completely due to Jared & his and evan’s dynamic & relationship, but that once you realize that that’s what the song is actually about, there’s just so much to consider and analyze in what might otherwise be overlooked as a song that has nothing to to say besides what’s most straightforwardly there, even though, you know, these are characters who have so much trouble saying what they mean or feel or want, but who are able to Reveal more about themselves in that way through this pretense/artifice which is sort of displacing their usual defense mechanisms. been Thinking About It many times and i’m still pondering aspects of it afresh / having new Insights, and anyone else can be too lmao, lots going on here & lots to say based on what anyone’s experienced / taken note of.....wtaw is of course v different as a song, more outright dramatic & desperate, whereas sincerely me is presented as more comedic & light, and it Is these two friends having some fun here rather than the protagonist having this crisis before homeroom at the start of the show, but here sincerely me is as another song about Trying and Wanting and some hopefulness that has to remain ultimately inconclusive, because connor still died.....lots going on, of course the tone is different b/c jared is a part of it, but people also completely overlook Other moments as jared you know, not having as genuine or deep or real Feelings as evan b/c jared’s front involves acting unbothered and being clever and funny, but obviously that doesn’t mean his feelings aren’t there and there aren’t stakes to them, and just because this song involving jared just seems lighthearted and unserious doesn’t mean that again, things aren’t Real and Important for jared.....augh

and yes lmfao the laugh is very good, i’m glad to compile it for our health

[southslates]

Sorry I accidentally posted this as a note instead! I absolutely love your work! How about Zutara + “Betty” from folklore!

“I'm only seventeen I don't know anything”

i.

Katara stands in front of him. And then she blinks; and then she keeps staring. Zuko's features look utterly, completely, unreservedly terrified. He looks like he is about to fall apart, right then, as she takes him in.

He has tracked her and Aang across the entire world, and she does not know what he is doing here, but she feels, for some reason, guilty. Her heart beats against her chest wildly.

She should go tell the others about this. She lifts her foot up, and the prince looks like she has just started stomping on all of his hopes and dreams. She knows that gaze, marred as it is, all too well.

So she steps forward, feet pounding the pavement until she is truly right in front of him. Her voice wavers.

"I'd like some tea, please."

ii.

The girl keeps coming back to the teahouse. He wants her to leave. She is just a reminder of his past and she holds so much power over him. He doesn't like that. He wants her to leave.

On her fifth day she reaches a hand out and grabs his arm. She has been wearing this strange facade, acting absolutely nonchalant, and his fingers flex as his mind readies him for a fight. But her grasp is light and she lets go when he turns around.

"You owe me an explanation," she says.

"I'm not here to hurt you," he shudders out.

"I know." Her cool eyes are blue but they bear fiery holes into him. She gestures towards the kitchen, where Iroh is watching this strange conversation. "I still want to know."

iii.

He shudders when he's near her, and she finds that strange. But some part of her feels at peace when she flops up onto the kitchen table. He had moved away when she had come close to him -

She wonders, briefly, who has ever touched him; the ugly skin across his face looks like a hand mark.

"You're not trying to capture us."

It's a statement, and he doesn't respond. Iroh exits the door and slams it shut behind him until it is the two of them, just them, facing each other amongst roaring teapots.

"No."

"Why?"

"This - this is fine."

"That's not what I - why did you want to capture us, in the first place?"

His left eye is slanted and his lips curl down. She doesn't think she has ever seen him smile. "It doesn't matter. I'm fine now. You should leave."

"I don't want to."

"Look, waterbender -"

"My name is Katara," she lilts, so curious; he glares further.

"Look, Katara. Let me go. I don't want to cause any trouble."

She slides off the table and heads to the backdoor, pausing to give him one last long look. It seems searching. "It's my turn, Prince Zuko."

iv.

"Moonpeach bun today," she requests, and he doesn't say anything to that, just stands there with his brow tilted quizzically. She looks up a moment later. "What? I'm hungry."

She has never bought food here, before; something is changing, but the metal clamp over his heart almost releases itself.

"Okay," he says.

"Okay," she replies.

v.

One day she comes in and he is not here. She knows his schedule, the patterns; she walks up to the desk and asks the old man there what has happened. He seems to note her interest with a quirk of his lips.

"Lee is sick," he tells her. "He isn't here today."

She has seen this boy in both poles, has frozen him intimately. It's strange to think that the warrior who kept fighting with his eyes bruised and body aching would succumb to the ills of the flesh. "Where is he?"

"Should I trust you, Master Katara?"

"You know -"

"I know a lot of things. And I care for my nephew," he frowns, but she feels validated. "Come back."

vi.

"How did you manage to get an infection here?" a voice sounds from above him, and he winces in pain at its high note. That does not sound like Uncle.

"W--what?"

His right eye blearily opens and he wants to jump away when he's faced with that deep, startling blue. Katara does not seem angry over him. Now that he is alert his nerves are tingling, and he looks down to see her hands on his bare chest. Color rises to his cheek, but she seems unaffected.

"You seem to enjoy hurting yourself," she says almost teasingly, but she does not even know half the truth. Zuko is not good at taking care of himself, and he had left this wound to fester. He does not always mind being Lee, but sometimes he feels that this life will never be enough.

Now, he is slightly lucid. "Why are you here?"

Her hands glow, clinically, on his chest. "I'm healing you."

"Why?"

Her features, gorgeous in the night's light, dim. "That doesn't matter."

vii.

He is different, now. He is calmer at a surface level, but she sees a fire that lives within; his blood feels like it is boiling.

She's curious about what lies further; she knows she should not be.

viii.

"That girl knows we're firebenders," he whispers, and Uncle turns.

"Of course Master Katara knows the truth. What is the problem?"

"I wasn't talking about her -" But she's here, still, and she walks right up to him at the counter. It has been different, after the day she showed up to his apartment. It has been something tentative, something like friendship.

"Hi," she says breathlessly, and he can't help himself.

"Hi."

They stare at each other before Iroh's sharp whistle draws them out of this; a brown head turns and leaves the shop in the distance.

ix.

There is some sort of festival in the streets, and she avoids dancing performers to wander into an almost empty shop. Pao is not there, so she steps into the kitchen freely; neither men inside are surprised to see her there.

"What's going on?" she asks. Zuko reaches next to him and places a steaming cup of tea in her hands. He is not wearing his apron right now; he looks different. He looks less broad and more defined, and she likes looking at him. She does.

"The Celebration of the Lotus Sky," Iroh says cheerfully. "A nice parade, no? You should be out there, Master Katara." Something lies unspoken; where is the Avatar? Aang would love this, but he is busy with Toph. She frowns thinking about it and almost drops the cup. Zuko places his hand right in front of her, and she smiles at him.

A strange sort of hope is blooming in her chest. "It sounds fun."

Zuko looks like he is struggling with something for a moment. Iroh takes that time to leave. But then he looks at her, golden eyes looking strangely innocent, and speaks. "Yeah, it does."

x.

Something comes together under that sky; lanterns float by them, and she gets him to actually speak once they find a vendor selling Fire Nation cuisine.

She pays for him, and he does not know how to feel about that. He is distracted as they walk through the streets, as she seems young and jubilant. Here, she is just Katara. Not a master, not calculated; she is just here. She is not playing games with him.

It feels nice, because everyone plays games with him.

She pulls him to a fountain after they've exhausted the path, and his cheeks are hurting with laughter for the first time since . . . since his mother had died. She had tried to make him dance and accepted his shake of a head; she had laughed over noodles with him, had made funny faces in mirrors until his smile moved. She had tried, and that makes all the difference.

The sconces are unlit, and she looks at them wistfully. He wishes he could light them, but he cannot risk that, and that leaves him disappointed in himself.

And then Katara leans herself up against his shoulder, and he feels like he could burn down this entire city with the fire that rages within him.

He does not know if there is something here. He almost wishes that there was.

xi.

Nothing good ever lasts. She feels like she had something fragile, like she is about to break it here, sitting on the floor of the Crystal Catacombs.

"That's something we have in common," he says, and she cannot resist walking over to him. She places her hand on his scar, and he does not look scared when her thumb skims his lip. He does not look resigned. He looks peaceful.

Then something breaks and she turns away, and he sees the Avatar, and his heart stops beating.

xii.

She sees him look at her, at his sister. Isn't the choice obvious? She is right here. They have created something here, carved it out in the tea house. She is right here. But Aang is also right here, and she does not know how to verbalize her feelings like that.

That is her mistake. He asks her a question with his eyes, and she freezes.

xiii.

He wants her to tell him that this will not be worth it. He wants her to lay her head on his shoulder and stop him from doing this. Because he remembers the fish in the pond, and he thinks about good and evil, and he does not know.

He needs her to have faith in him.

She hesitates, and she looks at the Avatar, and all he can feel is rage.

xiv.

"I trusted you," she screams.

xv.

"Not enough," he doesn't say.

/

“The worst thing that I ever did Was what I did to you”  - Taylor Swift, Betty

(Indulgence & an S2 AU that got away from me. I’m not a hundred percent sure what you were looking for, but I hope this works aha. Thanks for requesting @colourtheworldwithrainbows​ & I’m so glad you like my writing & I hope you enjoyed this :) Even though I definitely bungled the prompt aha.

If anyone has a Zutara request/prompt you’d like to see written, leave it in my ask box and I’ll write it!)

[only-here-for-jatp]

Don’t Take My Spot!

A new Juke friendship fluffy one-shot posted in my This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Series. It features Hesitant!Luke, cuddle piles, and pillow fights.

It’s about 3 thousand words.

Read it on Ao3 Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26881345

And also below.

It’d been a week since the show at the Orpheum where Julie saved the boys and gained the ability to touch them. She couldn’t really tell who was most excited about everything that had happened since then.

It could’ve been Carlos who immediately started bonding with the boys upon confirmation of their existence. Alex and him would watch tv shows together, sprawled out on the couch, and chatting even though Carlos still could not see or hear Alex. Reggie and Carlos would play video games and somehow the added competition of being able to mess with each other’s controllers without intervention added a level of difficulty to their racing games. Luke and Carlos engaged in some new pranks and Julie admittedly had been ready to kill both of them when she woke up to the sound of her least favorite song blaring through her alarm at 3 am on Saturday Morning.

Reggie was definitely in the running for the most excited since everybody agreed that with the new development it was time to tell Ray about the new additions to their family. Surprisingly enough, Ray took it in stride. He’d been a little suspicious once she started to get a good look at their faces, after all Rose hadn’t been the only Sunset Curve fan in the house. He figured his daughter would let him in when she was ready, and he’d been anxious to meet the boys himself. He took time to bond with all of them, but he had a huge soft spot for his eternal companion Reggie. To say Reggie was thrilled would be an understatement and it was becoming increasingly difficult to separate the two.

It could’ve been the band in general who was most thrilled about the new arrangement. They were tactile ghosts after all and preferred to have as much contact with each other as possible at all times. Now that they could add their additional band member to the list, there was rarely a moment when at least one ghost boy wasn’t touching her. They’d even started popping into school in the middle of the day just so they could be in contact and do whatever version of a nap ghosts were capable of. Luke had been the touchiest of all of them, but more than just being in contact with her for longer he would touch her differently than her other band mates. He’d play with her hands or hair or slide his hand across her back when he moved behind her at the piano or in the kitchen.

They still hadn’t addressed whatever was between them and besides their tight hug the night of the Orpheum they hadn’t been that close or… intimate. It wasn’t quite avoidance, more like hesitation on both sides. She knew that she was just as bad as he was, but somehow her brain still wondered if she’d imagined everything between them. Maybe he didn’t feel anything.

It didn’t really matter though, because she was just as excited as her boys to be able to reach out and touch them. She’d been so worried about them disappearing, it meant everything to her that she could reach out and physically reassure herself that they were here and okay. She loved the group hugs she could get before heading off to school or playing with Reggie’s hair as they sat and watched Luke and Alex’s antics, or being able to hold Alex’s hand when he was feeling anxious. She tried not to think about all the ways she could touch Luke, but when she had a bad day at school being able to lean on him, literally, went a long way to improving her day. Yeah, everyone was thrilled about the changes going on and the band had started Saturday Night Band Bonding. This week they were having a movie night, Julie was showing them some of the classics they’d missed since 1995. They’d put a projector in the studio and rearranged the furniture to make a mattress comfy pile in the center.

Alex had arguably claimed the center since he was the one who would be most invested in the movies and paying the most attention. Which brought protests from Reggie who settled on his left, but they were weak protests since he almost always fell asleep whenever they put on a movie. Julie ended up settled to Alex’s right, she’d seen all of these and was excited to watch her boys’ faces light up. Luke was running late for whatever reason, which was unfortunate for him since his friends had decided to take up most of the cuddly surfaces.

Luke poofed in and pouted at the sight. “Hey! Where’s my spot?”

The three just looked up at him and laughed. “Guess you shouldn’t have been late!”

Luke walked up to Reggie nudging him a little with his foot and giving him his best puppy eyes. Reggie stared into his face for a second before shaking his head and curling up deeper into his spot. “Not a chance dude.”

Luke started to walk over to Alex but was stopped short when Alex called out, “Has it ever worked before?” Luke sighed and turned his gaze to Julie. Alex chuckled at the obvious resignation. Both Reggie and Alex glanced over to Julie, interested to see how this was going to turn out.

“Molina, you won’t leave me without a spot, will you?” His voice was soft, and he was giving her a little grin. Trying to charm her, but also almost a little afraid of succeeding. “You won’t turn me away right Jules?”

Julie knew she was done for the second he turned his sights on her, but she thought she could make him work for it a little. However, at the soft sound of his nickname for her she gave in scooching down so he could sit at the top of the spot she claimed. It wasn’t a lot of space, but she gave him a small smirk and said “Take it or leave it.” She followed it up with a serious glare and added “Just don’t take my spot”.

His smile lit up the room as he sat cross-legged near her head. Alex and Reggie turned back to face the screen with small smiles since they knew, he would take whatever Julie would give him. Soon the movie started, and they all settled in for their marathon.

Julie felt a little jittery at first with the cute boy she had a crush on sitting so close to her, but as she became more engaged in the movie and how her band lit up at the sight of HSM she relaxed. At some point she needed to find a new spot in her soft things pile and ended up stretching her arms above her head. She’d momentarily forgotten Luke was there until her hands hit his knees and she blushed before pulling her hands back towards her head. That little touch had sent a surprisingly sharp shockwave through her and she was desperate to pretend she was nonchalant.

A few minutes passed before she even knew he realized what happened, but slowly his hands moved from his lap to toy with hair a little bit. Running his fingers through it. She could feel herself relaxing even as her heart tensed. It felt nice and it took everything in her to keep her gaze on the movie and not search out his eyes.

It was about halfway through the movie and his soft movements through her hair had lulled her into a sense of peace. Slowly his hands traveled from moving through her hair to toying with her fingertips and she felt her sharp intake of breath. She still stubbornly watched the screen as if, if she called attention to what he was doing she would spook him. Her heart was pounding, and she never knew she could feel so much in just her fingertips. He was tracing up and down her fingers to her palm and then moving her fingers around. She could feel the goosebumps  moving up and down her arms. Hesitantly, she started moving her fingertips back as if it was her body’s natural response.

She kept on, getting slightly more confident as her fingers started pressing against his and tracing back as his hands got closer. She still hadn’t looked at him, but she swore she could tell exactly which smile he was using. At one point it was almost like their fingers were playfighting and she was working hard at stifling her giggles when suddenly his finger hooked onto one of her own. This time though, he didn’t let go. It was like a mini version of handholding and she could’ve sworn her blush was visible from space.

Slowly she glanced upwards only to be caught in his eyes. He’d been staring at her and his eyes were warm, filled with awe and light and maybe a little surprise. She watched his small smile spread and his hands moved to capture more of her fingers, never losing eye contact as he did so. She returned the smile with just as much awe and surprise, but also maybe a little nervousness. He seemed to sense it, smiling even bigger before turning his attention back to the movie. She glanced back at the movie and felt him gently pulling her hands into his lap and moving so there was no question anymore about whether or not they were holding hands.

They spent the rest of the movie like that until the lights came on to find the controller and put on the second movie. They both had jerked apart with sheepish smiles attempting to keep whatever just happened for themselves without their band mates finding out. As Julie got up to switch out the movie, she watched Luke’s smile turn into something more devious and she made sure to remind him- “Don’t take my spot.”

He just grinned at her and waited until her back was turned before scooching down a little and repositioning, so his legs were open in a V rather than crossed. Julie turned around and gave him a hard look, not buying his innocent act for a second. At the sight of her look he let out a low chuckle and responded, “Just getting more comfortable, is this okay?” She nodded and moved to lay back down in her spot except this time between his legs.

The lights went out and the movie started. She wondered if he would reach for her hands again, but she hadn’t put them back towards her hair. Should she move them up so they were more within his reach and available? But what if he didn’t grab them again? She started to squirm as her thoughts jumbled and she ended up rolling over to her side and using his leg as a pillow. It was… surprisingly comfortable. And she scooched a little bit up toward him so she could find a comfier spot on his leg for her head. She glanced at him briefly, discovering it was his turn to blush and stubbornly stare at the movie.

A silent giggle escaped her as she moved her hand to wrap around his leg, near her face. She was settled in quite comfortable with the new arrangement when she felt one of his hands back in her hair. This time she managed to keep her breathing steady although she could’ve sworn time stopped for a brief moment when he did that. He gently pushed a curl behind her ear before he traced his fingers down her back. Softly his fingers started tracing circles and rubbing up and down her back and she could feel the small hum in her chest as her body relaxed into his touch.

Somehow, she felt more than heard his small chuckle at her response and soon his other hand had found the one on his leg and was squeezing it in an attempt to convey how comfortable he found their arrangement too. Julie could tell he was gazing at her and she looked up to give him a small smile and a squeeze of his hand back before returning her attention to the movie.

As the movie progressed Julie scooched deeper and deeper into Luke. It was instinctual more than intentional, and she hadn’t realized just how close she’d gotten until her head was literally in his lap and he could nearly lean over and whisper comments about the movie in her ear. Which he did.

Luke marveled at his luck as the girl he adored kept moving closer and closer to him and slowly his hands had moved until they were clasped together at her waist, wrapping her up entirely with him. The movie was long forgotten as he soaked himself in her touch and the warmth building in his chest as he watched her go through all the emotions that were stirring inside him. He never wanted to let go of this beautiful magical girl that he couldn’t help but watch and admire.

His bandmates had been shooting him knowing glances and smiles ever since they caught him playing with her hair during the first movie. They would be teasing him so much later, but he figured holding this precious angel in his arms was well worth whatever was coming. As she scooched closer though, he started getting hints of jealousy in the boys’ eyes. They were so tactile, and it wasn’t fair that Luke was getting special Julie cuddles, he guessed. Since the start of the second movie the two had moved into their typical cuddle pile wrapping legs and arms around each other.

It was nearing the end of the movie when Julie started to drift off into sleep. She was warm and comfortable while wrapped in Luke’s arms and the weight of the world didn’t seem so heavy. A quick glance at her other bandmates revealed their cuddle pile and while she was perfectly content to be caged in by Luke, she still wanted all her boys. Slowly she reached out her arm so she could lightly tug on Alex’s shirt. He was just out of reach and that was all she could manage. Alex’s eyes quickly glanced down to the small hand gripping his shirt as if he might vanish and chuckled before shifting Reggie and his cuddle pile a little closer. Reggie reached out and grabbed Julie’s hand and placed it on Alex’s stomach while Alex reached out so he could be in contact with Julie.

Luke shot a grumpy pout at the two before hugging Julie tighter and whispering in her ear, teasing her lightly “Am I not enough for you Julie?” hearing the playfulness in his tone she shot him a sleepy look and said “jealous?” His eyes lit a little at that as he remembered Nick, but jealous of his brothers? Of his band? “Nah” he whispered back at her.

The movie ended soon after their little conversation and despite the fact that she was more asleep than awake Julie insisted on putting the third movie on. After a puppy dog look of her own the boys agreed and Luke stood up to put the movie on. He slowly shifted out from under Julie, melting a little at her grumbling protests. When he returned though he discovered Julie curled up into Alex’s side, his arm wrapped around her and her arm wrapped across Alex and Reggie.

He smiled at the sight of his three favorite people in the world all wrapped up in a contented ball of limbs and warmth. Sinking down into the spot Julie vacated, he scooched closer to curl up behind her, burying his head in her curls. At this point, he wasn’t even sure Julie was awake, but much to his surprise he discovered she was. At the feel of him behind her, she rolled over still wrapped in Alex’s arm but leaning into Luke and entangling her limbs in his.

Everything in him was happy. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so peaceful and content and a quick glance at his boys let him know they felt the same. Luke could feel Julie’s breath on his neck as she tucked her head under his, using one of his arms as a pillow. He let that hand reach out to Alex, wanting to be connected with his boys too. Alex’s arm stay curled around Julie’s front and Luke’s other arm went to wrap around her back. He traced circles there until Reggie’s fingers found his and they linked up still pressed against Julie’s back. The band was all connected like one big spider web.

They finished the remainder of the movie like that, frequently unable to tell where one of them ended and the other began. It was perfect they all thought until the end credits rolled and Julie’s eyes wrenched themselves open. She was glaring at Luke, but not with any real heat behind it. “Wait a second.” She exclaimed. “You stole my spot!”

Luke sputtered at the accusation, “But you- and cuddles- and really?” He was so busy attempting to explain how it really wasn’t his fault that he missed the pillow coming at it him until it hit him in the face. “Oh it’s on Molina.” A pillow fight ensued between Julie and Luke with him winning until Alex and Reggie came to her defense. It was quickly a free for all once again however, and probably would’ve continued on for much longer except Luke accidentally sent a pillow flying. It knocked all the DVD case off the table and narrowly missed the projector. Julie sighed. “This is why we can’t have nice things.” She managed to get out before collapsing into a fit of giggles. Luke looked sheepish at his error, tossing his weapon aside and lying beside Julie before dissolving into giggles himself. The other two soon joined and upon resuming their cuddle pile, Julie once again drifted back into sleep. They boys snuggled in closer, vowing to protect her and adore her as they settled in for the rest of the night.

[prince-toffee]

Five Minutes

A sacrifice fic just to prepare for the inevitable.

(Sorry if there’s any grammar errors, I don’t care, I’m tired, ok I do care, consider this a first draft, I’ll fix it if something’s up.)

The doors locked. They did it. They won. The door‘s access panel changed it’s green light to a red. The display on the panel read ‘Warning, temperature rising to dangerous levels. Clone presence in WatchPoint Bay Q6 detected.’ “Yeah, no shit.” Modulok grumbled to himself, and partially to the panel, as he sat down on the walkway next to his brothers.

“Sooooo, what- what’s happenin’? Is it working?” Vultak asked swallowing fear down his throat as he stuttered on the ‘what’. It did work, the Princesses managed to destabilise the core of the capital warship, The Velvet Glove. The She-Ra, Princess of Power, ploughed her mystical sword into the power core, which resulted in the station’s propulsion systems going offline and set the warship on a collision course with Etheria’s most populated centre, BrightMoon.

“Yeah, it worked alright.” Modulok scratched his two heads with his two left hands, “I just... I calculate that we’ve got about five minutes before either the ship burns up ooooor the all-mighty, all-powerful relic sword explodes and tears our atoms apart and flings them across the ten dimensions... maybe both, probably both.” Modulok shrugged his shoulders with a hopeless chuckle, which didn’t really comfort the perched Vultak on the walkway railing. Then again, what would possibly lighten the mood in that moment.

Hordak and Princess Entrapta managed to angle the station in a manner that would just nearly miss the planet, burn up in the atmosphere and use the momentum of the gravity to sling shot it into a surrounding moon. The space station was mentally linked to Horde Prime, everything was operated and controlled with his consciousness. With Prime dead, it put them into a difficult circumstance. Someone had to stay behind to make sure the ship stayed on course, someone mentally compatible with the Horde systems. Hordak was the logical choice, actually he was the only choice. He was the only High General present, meaning only he comprehended and was familiar with the warship systems. Hordak thought it was funny, She-Ra did finally kill him. A destiny fulfilled.

“Five minutes to live. That’s not a lot...” Mosquitor spoke up, giving off a an exhausted sigh. All six clones present in the room fell into tense and anxious silence. Fear and sadness blocked their throats, they weren’t used to talking with their vocal cords, it was forbidden. Clones were only allowed to communicate telepathically and only communicate about their duties and objectives. ‘Small talk’ wasn’t in the Horde dictionary. Ironically the only places where clones were able to talk and showcase their individualism was on the frontlines.

“Okay, so five minutes of life left... any last words?” Modulok asked shimmying on his rear to find a comfortable position to sit on the hard, cold walkway. A grated panelled pathway suspended at the centre of a deep chamber, below a transparent force shield at the bottom. Which framed a view of heat and fire outside, melting and charring the outer metal casings of the ship.

“What’s there to talk about?” Despara quirked her brow at her brother’s question.

“Well, we’re clones, we don’t get this lucky. We’ve got five minutes to make up for all the decades of silence.” Modulok articulated.

To guide the warship most effectively Hordak had to observe the trajectory from a vantage point, that was where their paths diverged. Princess Entrapta protested, she held his hands in her own, massaged his knuckles with her thumbs. She raised herself up on her hair to face him eye to eye. She even gave him her signature smile, the one that melted his heart in a second. She had that look of possibility in her glistening crimson eyes, a spark of wonder and wanting that looked into multiple futures, hundreds of possibilities, a look that showed Hordak what he had to fight for, a world where that smile, those eyes and that laugh and that brilliant mind exist. A perfect world. He chose to save that world, even if it was without him in it. A final gift to Entrapta, for all the trouble and confusion he caused her.

He gave her a kiss on her gloved hand, befitting for royalty, he gave her the best smile he could, and for the last time, he left her. Princess Entrapta would go on to cry for many days to come, but it was for the best. The greater good.

“Alright. I’m just gonna say it, food, not a fan. Too mushy. Has to go through your entire digestive system, which I didn’t even know existed until a few cycles back, and it has to come out th-” Modulok was cut off by Hordak, who previously was completely silent.

“You didn’t have to come with me.” He didn’t even look at them as he spoke, face down, staring at a small purple crystal in his hand, which he used to fidget with to ease his nerves.

“What are you talking about? We stay together. We’re defects.” Despara states to Hordak almost offended, all of them were through a lot, she felt offended that Hordak thought they’d abandon him now.

“We fought through countless wars. We hauled-ass across the universe. And we killed our god! Together!... Well, technically the blonde Valkyrie lady killed Prime, but still it’s the thought that counts.” Vultak shrugged, attempting to lighten the mood. Hordak rubbed circles on the purple crystal, looking down on it, his face reflected in it’s cracked surface. L-U-V-D. That’s what was etched on it. A fact. A reminder of her compassion. A wake up call. And he did wake up, from a dream world he believed all his life. A life of lies. From a hazy of toxic green to a reality of flaming red.

“I am your general. I stood at our Brother’s side, you were mere soldiers, pawns. I deserve this pain, not you. You could’ve- you should have had normal lives.”

Mosquitor chuckled to himself, “Normal isn’t exactly in our dictionary.” The towering brute countered as he cradled the young hybrid in his arms, keeping Zed near his chest. As if it would make any difference when the fire broke through. “Also we’re not the kind of people the Etherians seem to want to deal with.” That was true, after the Horde Hordak knew no clone would have an easy time on that planet. Those people hated him, his face. He chose to believe that the common people of the world were as good as the Princesses that protected them. That all his fellow clone brethren could find a safe and fruitful life among the native Etherians.

“Then what do you think happens to our brothers? You think the Princesses kept their side of the bargain? You think they’re all off the ship, that they evacuated them?” Despara asked most likely imagining the worst, a possibility that there were some other poor clones still on board. That they were sacrificing lives that weren’t theirs to sacrifice.

To quiet their minds, Hordak tiredly claimed, “No. They kept the promise. They’re honest people.” Hordak added that they had to, they were just like that, it was in their nature. Hordak knew their brothers were fine. BrightMoon had no court to try them, no holding cells to hold all of them for decades to come. And hopefully if Entrapta didn’t decide to hate him, she’d help them all and embrace them in her warmth. Dryl hadn’t had citizens for a decade or two, he was sure the clones wouldn’t be much of a downgrade. They would add some life to the ghost town, so that she wouldn’t feel alone anymore.

“Yeah well, whatever they’re up to, it can’t be as bad as the predicament we’re in, heh.” Vultak flapped his winged arm around, a sharp gasp of pain escaped him as he moved his right arm around. No wonder either, it was bent backward, from the fight with Prime, literal minutes ago. It felt so victorious for just a moment, but life has a funny way of turning tables around.

“Plus, the Princesses? Totally lame, right?” Modulok rolled his eyes as he attempted to stand up to get over to V and help his brother’s arm. But Vultak raised his left hand in protest, there was no need. It was going to be over soon. Modulok sat back down in defeat, amusement draining from his two faces. What good was a medic that couldn’t fix his fellow soldiers.

It was Mosquitor’s turn to brighten the situation, “Hah, yeah I bet our brothers are all clawing their ears out by now. Hehe, remember what those colour coded pastel losers yapped about all the time? Friendship? And rainbows? What a mucha losers, eh? Hehe... heh.”

“I remember.” Hordak stated. Never again.

“Yea, losers.” Despara nodded.

“Losers.” Modulok and Vultak said at the same time.

“...Hmmmhehehahah- HA!” Modulok covered his face to hide his ugly laughter, forgetting about the other one expressing the same emotion.

“Mode, what the hell now?” Vultak asked, a smirk creeping up on him.

“Hehehehahahahhhh, ahhhhh man, w-heh-which one was the one that tried to hug Zed, heheheh and- and got burned. Oh lord. Oh Great Darkness. That face was priceless. HhhhhhhhHAHAHA!” The infectious mirth managed to wriggle out a small spasm out of Zed. His shoulders moving up and down, his nasal cavity wrinkling up in that cute way. Of course the young Zed contributed no sound of amusement as he was mute.

Despara shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know. They all look the same to me.” The room shook violently, the pipes above rattled and metal panels fell off the walls and fell down through the force field below. Hordak’s realisation dawned on him, that he would be departing the mortal realm very soon. Even though there was an inferno forming beneath him, just outside that thin force field, even though he was surrounded by his clone brethren, his mind couldn’t help but wonder off to the thought of a certain Scientist Princess. His mind run wild with quite corny and laughable poetry, everything he wished he had said to Entrapta. But didn’t.

He didn’t need her to devote her entire life to him. No. That’d be caging her. She deserved to be free, free to bend the universe to her will and bring the universe to bow before her beautiful intellect. He didn’t need her to lay her lips on him, she didn’t need to touch him. All he needed was just to see her smile, at him. Just for her to be with him, because that smile just for a moment saves him, just for a moment she makes him forget the endless pain he endured every day of his life. And every smile felt like an eternity of bliss. And so with just a look that woman could transport him into a perfect world, where he could live an eternity-long life.

But he didn’t say any of that to her. Hordak knew Entrapta wasn’t interested in long speeches, she had a short attention span, she was a woman of actions not words. That’s why before all this all Hordak gave Catra was a short note to give to Entrapta. He had her promise that she’d apologise to Entrapta, for all that she had done. Unfortunately, he made her apologise for the two of them. The note read ‘I’m sorry, and thank you. - Your ever loyal knight, Hordikins. Farewell My Queen.’ He could have gone on how there were no words in any dialect across the known universe that could express how she made him feel, or that if she only asked he would have gifted her the universe without a second thought. The note said everything it had to.

“Kinda sucks, all this. I only came on sentient a few hours ago.” Despara stated playing with her hair. The statement of dry humour pulled Hordak back from his day dream. “But I’m glad I had the opportunity to meet all of you. And... and be myself, even if it was short lived.” Despara finished. The words brought smiles to her fellow brothers, the past few Horde cycles were the craziest experiences of their lives, because they were experiencing life itself for the first time. They decided where their paths led. Especially Despara. She wasn’t always... herself. What was going to become Despara was clone DSP-772,411, whom was the detention guard overseeing Catra’s cell. ‘411 had never met an other lifeform other than clones. Des was a servant clone. Never stepped outside the perimeter of The Velvet Glove. Her insight on the lay out of the ship came in useful to the defects in their infiltration to kill Prime. ‘411 always felt like they weren’t serving their cause properly, along side their dying brothers on the frontlines. Though not on the battlefield she risked her life every day. Prime had a tendency for violent mood swings. A dinner party for Prime’s guests could be more traumatising and devastative to a clones health than the war trenches. Many clone have begged to be sent to the frontlines to escape the unspeakable horrors which occurred within the walls of the warship.

‘411 was immediately drawn to the captive Magicat. Catra spilled her heart, cried and whimpered, talked about an old flame of hers, about how she hurt people close to her. About how she was sorry. And ‘411 listened to all of it. And at the end, when Catra’s tears dried up and she quieted down, all ‘411 could ask was, what a ‘she’ was. It must’ve shocked Catra, eyes wide in confusion and mouth drooping low in surprise. Hordak wasn’t there when she did, but he could’ve imagined the cat’s reaction, mostly because his first Force-Captains had the same reaction when he first asked that same question in his first years on Etheria. Captain Octavia had quite an interesting evening that day. He made her swear an oath of silence, to never speak of that embarrassing encounter.

Clones had no concept of sex or gender, things just were the way they were. As Prime intended them to be. Perfect. The bodies and missions given to them by Prime were unquestionable. And it never was questioned, because none knew what other possibilities were out there. The alien armies of the Horde encountered were all different and unique, but there was no time or reason to study them. It wasn’t an objective. Prime did not care. Her brothers may have not fully understood, what Despara meant when she said she was always ‘she’ deep down, but none argued, none protested against their new sister. She was a clone, a defect, one of them. She was a new experience. One of a kind. And as Vultak put it ever so elegantly, “Cool. I never had a sister before.”

It was ultimately her who let Catra out and helped her escape back to the Alliance. Hopefully she got that kiss she so desperately needed. Hordak met ‘411 only once before being sent off back to the frontlines, his return and the assault on the Velvet Glove, and briefly at that, on his way with a breakfast tray to Queen Glimmer’s guest room.

“Hey, hey, stop with that sappy stuff.” Mosquitor waved his hand dismissively, rolling his eyes. Moe, as his brothers called him, much like most clones including Hordak, wished to at all times seem tough. Poor MSQ-999,332 had it worse than most. He hide his defection for much longer than Hordak. The illness became so bad that eventually he could no longer use his own legs, his waist and legs lost near all muscle mass. And so ‘332 became paralysed. He was just slowing down his platoon down, so his lower body was amputated. Of course the brother that rescued and brought Moe on board was executed for the crime of ‘Conferring with Inappropriate Machinery’. And Prime personally threw Moe out the airlock back down to the battlefield. ‘332 spent most of his days afterwards, crawling across mudded trenches. Luckily, Moe met on that some battlefield, MUD-111,117, or Modulok.

Nothing, but hatred and vengeance flew through his veins, it did for all of them. Mode managed to construct a life support system, for Moe, a walking hospital bed. Many parallels could’ve been made between it and Hordak’s own First Ones suit, created by Entrapta. Moe’s unit was twice the size of Hordak, it made him tower over even Prime, but the biggest difference was, Hordak’s suit was near indestructible, Moe on the other hand even if he had intimidation on his side, the armour was more for life support than anything. Mosquitor faired better from a distance, ‘332 was an amazing snipper. The room shook more, sparks fling from wiring in the wall, the walkway holding them vibrated and shuttered. Moe took hold of Zed in his large arms, readying for the end.

The sight made Hordak thankful that Entrapta took Imp and got him to safety. The Lord of the Horde didn’t think he could’ve handled having to be forced to watch he’s own creation die... his little spy. He was safe, back on Etheria, in a loving home with a loving overseer. He only hoped that she’d teach Imp her ways, and hoped that one day Imp would grow into an intelligent man worthy enough to continue her legacy of brilliance.

Zed was the youngest of all the clones, although technically the creature wasn’t even a clone, but rather a hybrid. A prototype of the ‘splicing initiative’. A combination of Prime’s DNA and an unknown gene pool. The kid was an attempt at a creation of super soldiers, but failed. Poor kid always wanted to meet that other half of him. That other person that aided in bringing him into the world. This awful, awful world. Sadly, he never will, but he was the first to follow Hordak into the chamber. The boy did say back on the frontlines, that he’d jump into fire after him. And it was true. And to be more accurate, he didn’t say, he signed. All the defects learned the universal galactic sign language. Zed might’ve been silent, but his voice wasn’t unheard.

He’s fate should have been a better one. He didn’t deserve this, he had a full life in front of him. Hordak never knew what drew Zed to him, why he asked so many questions, why he snuck out at night to see him in the trenches. When Prime sent Hordak back to the frontlines, after his torturous reconditioning, he lost hope, but when he stepped out, or rather more accurately, when he was thrown out the troop dropship. Face first in a muddy trench dozens of defects thrown down with him. When he looked up from the dirt and filth, a slither of hope ignited in his belly, as a hand extended to him. Wonder in the boy’s eyes. He overheard Hordak’s mention of being trapped on other worlds.

”Hey, V you’re staring into the ceiling buddy. Talk to us.” Modulok snapped his fingers at his winged brother. Vultak didn’t turn to face him, mesmerised by the ceiling falling apart. V’s facial expression showcased a hypnotised look. As a combat aerial unit he always did look into the skies. But it probably had to do something with the impending doom below. ‘Don’t look down.’ Hordak remembered was the advise Vultak gave him when they leaped out onto the Velvet Glove from the stolen dropship, which exploded seconds later in the void of space as it was cut up with laser fire. VLT-441,441 was a paratrooper in the Horde military, until of course his defect began to show. He was always used to jumping into certain death, fearless in any mission. Vultak didn’t fear anything physical, nothing in the universe made him back down. But now, at the end he looked frightened, he couldn’t look down, do no more leaps of faith, for faith, he lost.

It’s true V feared nothing physical, because he had faith. He was a man of god. A believer. But what happens to a man when your god turns his back on you? Horde Prime knew defection was inevitable for many clones. No machine was perfect, especially no war machine. So Horde Prime infused prophecies and implanted messages into all clone subconscious, so that when defection occurs, all clones are compelled to return to him. Easier than hunting them down, easier to cover up the disgrace of his failures. Easier to hide his mistakes, he couldn’t afford to let those space fairing races above him mapping his progress to know about things like that. Couldn’t afford to let those higher than him know he was capable of mistakes. Perfection was expected of him. Those others above him, he tried to impress them, to have them take him in, show him enlightenment. He, all he wanted to do, was show he was worth their celestial time, he was worth something.

And now he was nothing. He is now dead. Hordak found that he began to enjoy poetry and it’s irony more and more, in a twisted sort of way. They were truly clones.

“Do you... Do you think there’s something out there for us? Up there, where ever?” The questions were deafening, everyone hoped Vultak wouldn’t have gone existential on them. But Vultak was the biggest patriot of them all, even surpassing Hordak’s obsession with their brother. And in turn he was the one most hurt by Prime’s betrayal. He was no god, no grand being, just a liar. Hundreds of thousands murdered... for him, because they believed their big brother. Hundreds of thousands, they murdered, for a lie.

“Do you think any of it was true? Do you think he believed any of it? Or was it ALL a lie?” Hordak answered V’s question in his mind, since never before was it a private place: Yes. All a lie. “The Perfect World. The Grey Mound? The Holy Peak? The Great Darkness?” V grit his teeth, another wave of pain from his broken arm.

“Worried about being sent to the bad place, V?” Modulok asked, weak smile wearing.

“I’m just wondering. What’s waiting in the beyond for a guy like me. It can’t be anything good... if there even is anything up there... or down there.” Modulok decided to stand up and close the distance between him and his distraught brother. He leaned against the railing on which Vultak perched himself.

Mode gently touched V’s shoulder, it made sure V looked at him when he spoke. “I promise you, where ever you wake up on the other side, I’ll be there with you. And I’ll always fix you up after you jump into certain doom. Brother, you have my word.” It was true, the two were inseparable. Through pure chance the two met on the frontlines. While V had his head in the clouds, Mode grounded him, pulled him down to his level. Mode was a realist. He was bad at his bed side manner, he never lied to himself or his patients. He was a field medic, he saw things no one should, endured horrors unimaginable to the innocent. Modulok was the oldest to them, he was through a lot, fighting from world to world longer than any of them in Prime’s name. Over the many decades the spark of pride dulled, Mode found himself lost, fighting across the stars for a cause he no longer believed in.

Mode’s defection was haunting, even to other defects, whom experienced hardships and injustice. Modulok’s defection was the most dire Hordak ever seen, MUD-111,117 developed a second head, and two left arms. His genome could have been compared to a computer glitch, untreated it just got worse. It was a miracle that Mode managed to make it to such an old age. Many species across the universe considered age to be a weakness, a disadvantage, but ‘117 always argued that with age came experience, and with experience came knowledge, which in turn led to wisdom. It was Mode who constructed Moe’s suit, led Des’s surgery, gave V his wings and taught Zed sign language. A true veteran. He had been through it all.

But Mode never helped Hordak with anything, ‘ 117 was a medic, he was compelled to fix others. But when Hordak first arrived at the frontlines of Primus Minor, he isolated himself from everyone else, kept to himself. Hordak treated his own wounds, he worked on his armour alone. When he took the suit off, he was forced to walk on his own, no armour support system. And so he locked himself in an unused compartment of the trenches and over the course of six months, he learned how to walk. Baby steps to an adult man, who never had a childhood. Mode gathered from all of that, that Hordak was a loner. A solo act. Didn’t do well with people.

There came a day when Mode pulled Hordak off to the side and asked him why he worked through all that baggage alone? Why didn’t he ask for aid? Why did he ignore them? Hordak apologised that it seemed like he was avoiding them. And what Hordak said back in response was more of a cryptid puzzle than an actual answer

“Mode... If there is good and evil.

And good is better than evil.

God has to be good... Right?”

“I suppose so.”

“So, are we good? Are we... like him?”

“What do you think?”

“I think there’s no such thing as good or evil.

But it’d be nice... to be good.”

It was clear that Hordak, was on a long journey, one he had to trek himself. Search and find the meaning of it all on his own, in his mind. He needed to find his own meaning and purpose. And what that meant to him.

“So, anybody got any idea how much time we’ve got left?” Despara asked looking at Modulok. Who just shrugged in return, he didn’t exactly have a timer, he simply estimated the time remaining. “So that’s a no? We don’t kno- We can just blow up at any second?... Cool.” Des combed her hair with her fingers to calm her nerves.

“You really think a timer would settle your nerves?” Moe asked unconvinced.

“I suppose not.” Des admitted.

“I could’ve been with her.” Hordak spoke up suddenly in the middle of the conversation, honestly he was so quiet Despara forgot he was there, even though he was seated right next to her.

“What’d ya mean?”

“I could’ve saved myself... the First Ones crystal, it’s a server. To help me sync up with her new armour, Entrapta recorded my brain waves on the crystal. My memories, my thoughts, my personality, all of it... I could have given it to her when I last saw her.

But I didn’t.

I lied.

I left her.”

All five siblings turned their heads side to side take turns looking at each other and then back at Hordak. His face unmoved. Looking at the purple crystal. Zed stood up and broke free of Moe’s embrace. The young one stepped up to him. Hordak’s blood red eyes drifted up to the boy’s hands. He signed.

‘Why?’

“...Because it wouldn’t be me. Not me. A clone of me.”

The clones fell silent. Head bowing down. No more needed to be said. Every aspect of their lives had been thrown into question, into uncertainty. When the assault on The Velvet Glove happened, Hordak was leading the charge. Prime captured him and tortured him, he hurt him in front of Entrapta. He fell to his knees and crawled back to Prime, like he always did. But this time it was different, he stood up, he walked to him. Like a man, not a dog. Prime insulted and demeaned him. Prime claimed that Hordak wasn’t a person. Clones were nothing, ‘mere shadows of his greatness’. The clones were him, just dirtier, unclean. A lesser version of what he was.

This was their stance against that. Showing that their lives meant something. That they were worth something. They were worth the world, for that was what they were saving.

The force field beneath them gave off a thunderous sound, a final warning. The bay shook one more time, the artificial gravity became disabled and the room began to tilt and shift. The metal walls crumbled like paper. The walkway began to swing and crack. Mode took V’s unbroken hand into his own. Moe embraced Zed in his arms one last time. Dess wrapped her arm around Hordak’s shoulder, and he in turn pressed his head against hers.

Modulok gave his last words in the form of a question, “...Do... Do you think... Could we have done something, could we have ended up with a happy ending, all of us? Could we have been good? Would it have made any difference?”

Hordak spent his last moments thinking, he didn’t realise he was thinking out loud, “Good? I think there’s no such thing as good...

But that would’ve been nice...”

The force field imploded, gave in. The fire broke through. The Velvet Glove burned up in the atmosphere. And the clones were no more. And on that day all of Etheria cheered, and celebrated. For the evil was vanquished.

[becksfm]

hey CASEY “BECK” BECKHAM , welcome to dillon university . has anyone ever told you you’re GAVIN LEATHERWOOD’s twin ? no ? well okay , i heard you are TWENTY - TWO & a JUNIOR at the university . we hope BIOCHEMISTRY isn’t kicking your ass too much , especially since you’re a STUDENT PHYSICAL TRAINER . see you at the next game, BECK & character’s cismale + he/him . 

it’s me & i’m here for round fuckin’ two , friends . this time i bring you resident GOLDEN BOY . . . a whole 6′1 of soft boy energy . . . floppy overgrown curls . . . king of talking - your - way - out - of - everything . . . retired hockey player . . . a man of Many Talents , of which the most astounding is his ability to look like he’s got it all together when , in fact , he does not ! under the cut , you’ll find a lil more about him . . . & if you wanna plot hmu @ 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣#9956 on discord or pop into my ims here !! 

𝑩 𝑨 𝑪 𝑲 𝑮 𝑹 𝑶 𝑼 𝑵 𝑫 .

dillon , texas born & raised . on the outskirts of town is a ranch that is enough to house the beckham family: mom, dad, and all eight beckham children . beck is the second oldest , with one older sister , four younger sisters , and two younger brothers . . . not necessarily in that order . 

mother , sophia mattheson - beckham is a lawyer based in austin working with the ACLU , and father , michael beckham has a small private practice in dillon working as a pediatrician . they weren’t home often , but when they were , they spent as much time with the kiddos as possible . it’s just . . . they were so rarely home that it really didn’t matter. 

with the beckham name, though, comes the pressure to be SOMETHING GREAT , and that’s something that’s been a part of beck’s life since . . . he can remember . little league & kindergarten grades were always taken a little too seriously , and it didn’t help that his older sister was a shining example of perfection . 

growing up it was hard not to like him. he was quiet for the most part , but goofy when he wasn’t . there was a little extra charm about him that just gave him an all around magnetic pull . kids wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be theirs . he fit in , but around home , he was the odd man out . beck was always a little more interested in sports rather than math or music rather than reading . it wasn’t to say he wasn’t smart , it just kind of –– bored him?? where his family was v

there was give and take with beck–– the golden boy of dillon but the black sheep of the family . he could play hockey if he kept his grades up. he could take guitar if he was also on student government and model u.n.. his parents would applaud him on his grades but never cared to hear him play; they’d show up for debates but rarely ever saw a hockey game. it was touch and go, his relationship with them, and it still is.

DESPITE IT ALL though, you wouldn’t catch him complaining. he bore the crown of homecoming king his senior year and never went to a dance without a date. teachers loved him, so did his coaches. he found a best friend in one cameron sloane –– ( because of course he did ) –– when the sloanes moved to dillon , and they were an unstoppable kind’a duo on and off the ice.

when it came time to pick a college, he really . . . had his pick of the lot. coulda gone anywhere, but there were roughly six reasons , all with the same last name , that kept him close to home. his parents even agreed that if he went in as pre-med, they would pay for the whole thing . . . and even make time to watch him play hockey. 

things were good for a long while, until they weren’t. you can usually see the stars on the outskirts of dillon, but one night, his sophomore year, you couldn’t. storm clouds covered ‘em up, and he tried his damndest to get cameron to stick around a celebratory party until it passed, but sloanes are stubborn and there was no changing his mind. 

cam passing away was like losing a brother, and he spent countless hours pacing in a hospital waiting room . . . hoping for good news and never getting it. beck had never known loss like that, and it knocked him into a bit of a tailspin . he quit hockey and didn’t register for school the next year . he spent a lot of time at a family residence in austin and even more time drinking . for the most part . . . he kind of DISAPPEARED , losing himself in the process for a good nine months.

they say it takes a village to raise a kid, and it took a village to drag this one out of a spiral. his parents. his siblings. his friends. and eventually . . .  dillon’s football coaching staff. a loud knock on the door from coach buchanan and a swift kick in the ass from coach sloane, a man who knew the kid almost as well as he’d known his own son. come work for us, they told him . . . and it was a way to get him back on track under a watchful eye that. wasn’t quite as critical as his parents

so that’s where we are now . . . back at dillon, a year behind, and working with both the football and cheerleading team as a physical trainer, playing a heavy hand in making sure both teams are the best conditioned in the state of texas. his grades are looking up, and he’s still on the fast track for med school, much to his –– and his parents’s –– surprise. 

the beckhams don’t talk about his little stint of a spiral. no one in dillon does . . . unless in tones of hushed whispers alongside judgmental looks. beck doesn’t mind it too much ,though . . . even takes it as a challenge 

𝑷 𝑬 𝑹 𝑺 𝑶 𝑵 𝑨 𝑳 𝑰 𝑻 𝒀 . ( i’m getting tired so this gon be ugly )

you want inspo?? i’ll give ya inspo!! richard campbell gansey the third ( dick 3 babiiiie ) is my main inspo for beck. you’ll also find a lil bit of jim halpert, a lil bit of rob maclanahan from miracle ( even tho he w as a real person too shhh ), and *insert big eyed emoji here* grizz from the society 

ever since he can remember, there’s been pressure on this kid to be something great . . . so he feels like if he has the capability to do something, he has to do it. . . there’s no choice in the matter. a lot of this stems. from his parents, but he’s also really just . . . overly critical of himself sometimes

boy is a fucking PARADOX okay bc sometimes . . . . with the way he talks. . . . he accidentally puts his damn foot in his mouth . he’s smart so occasionally comes off as condescending , but he’s . . . incredible in conversation with people he needs to impress because he’s hella charming

that said... this quote is REALLY important and REALLY summative of beck: “Gansey had always felt as if there were two of him: the Gansey who was in control, able to handle any situation, able to talk to anyone, and then, the other, more fragile Gansey, strung out and unsure, embarrassingly earnest, driven by naive longing.” –– let’s dive into that!! when he feels like he’s got a sense of control of the things around him, when he’s in his element or in his comfort zone, when he’s feeling confident , the boy is a force. he can talk you and anyone else out of any situation, and he has. he can make friends with anyone put in front of him, and he has. when beck is ON . . . he is on . . . but it’s a bit surface level because when he’s not wearing the crown of GOLDEN BOY and he’s . . . vulnerable . . . or unsure . . . or stressed . . . he tends to put that foot of his in his mouth and spit. out whatever it is he’s thinking. he’s honest to a fault in this sense, and he’s hopeful beyond compare. 

an introvert. . . . can CHARM u but doesn’t want to because honestly that is so draining and he’d much rather be at home. the popular type but only has a few friends that are really really close to him

loyal to a fault . . . will give you 392847 chances that you don’t deserve .. fool me once shame on you ! fool me twice shame on me! fool me three time what the fuck bro now ur just taking advantage of me 

very . .. calm and even tempered.  he’s a mediating type and like . . would rather find a conflict resolution than sWING u feel me

he’s cute.  .. . and. people love him but .  . . despite it all, he really doesn’t let that go to his head?? the boy was raised to believe you had to earn things and he’s just. idk . . .. humble king

eloquent as fuck ( lol good luck @ me writing that shit )

quick witted and very sharp

probably a lawful good type ngl :\

Does Not Do Well.With Change. when his older sister left dillon to go to notre dame??? boy damn near blew a gasket how dARE SHE go that far away!!! 

v close with his sibs . .. . activate Dad Mode. he loves all of them equally and definitely does not at all favor the 10 y/o baby brother of the family or his sister closest in age, who is also a student at dillon. doesn’t favor them ONE BIT 

u want a vibe for the beckhams??? “ the beckhams were courtiers and kings . when there was no castle to invite them, they built one” ( we stan ONE weird author lady named maggie)

insomnia!! the boy nEVER SLEEPS1! always thinking. always planning what’s next. gotta go gotta go gotta go.

kind of .. . a hopeless romantic :\ dated the same girl for most of high school but when she fucked off to ole miss she broke up with him in a text. so that .. . . . .. went well for him ..... still a dumb bitch tho and would love to hold ur hand

wire rimmed glasses, wool sweaters, light colored hoodies, distressed denim, cuffed pants, :\ chelsea boots :\

phobia of bees. there’s literally no reason for this other than my own, personal, geeked out pleasure

prank king

Smart Jock Type

plays guitar to relieve stress and you bet baby’s got some pipes here u go 

literally nothing like nicholas scratch DO NOT call him daddy

tall and doesn’t know what to do with all the extra limb like .  . . . . the fuck

will push you to your personal best in any conditioning circumstance

okay I THINK THAT’S ALL . . .. i’m a big fan of basic plots that kinda ebb and flow with chemistry BUT!! gimme the basics man . . . a roommate . . . a past hookup or two . . . some spicy friendships or . . . fRENEMIES even u know the drill

ok that’s all i hope u love him bc i am v nervous about playing A Man buT IT IS WHAT IT IS U KNOW

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, V!

You have been accepted for the role of LILY EVANS! We really enjoyed reading your application. We were floored by the sheer beauty at some of the imagery and truly felt something when reading about your Lily. She was unique enough to feel like yours, while also sticking to what we know from canon. We are so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: V

AGE: Twenty five

TIMEZONE: GMT+11

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I work full-time but as I’m on the other side of the world this shouldn’t impact you all too much! I’ll be able to meet the activity requirements for the group.

ANYTHING ELSE: Nope!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Lily Jane Evans

AGE: Twenty one

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cisgender female with she/her pronouns. In terms of sexuality, Lily tends to assume she’s straight. It’s never been something she’s really interrogated, despite how varied her friendship circle can be, although that’s not to say she’s right. Lily prides herself on having insight into every aspect of her life - why not her sexuality? She supposes it’s because since she and James got together, there’s not been much point wondering about anything else. For the most part Lily is straight, but I can see her questioning this a little as the group develops. It would, necessarily, be in counterpoint to her relationship with James, as that’s her frame of reference. But, weirdly, I could see her sharing a kiss with another woman and going, “Oh, that’s nice,” and then never really thinking about it again! So, in short, while Lily’s never actively thought about it, but she’s probably straight.

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: Nope, everything looks great!

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Lily is, by definition, an optimist. Naturally warm and compassionate, she is a firm believer in treating people with respect and on their own merit. She’s sensitive to the whims of others, and focuses on listening closely when they speak. If there’s anything she knows, it’s that people rarely say what they mean. Too often they hide behind flippant remarks or boisterous behaviour. Or, in the case of Severus, quicksilver smiles and double-meanings. Lily holds each word in the palm of her hand before giving it back, gently, as if it were a robin’s egg. That is not to say Lily is endlessly patient and giving, although for the most part she is. She has a streak of righteousness that is hard to tamp down. It coincides with her ego, which draws breath from the near-constant nice things people have to say about her. Lily is often reassured by the knowledge that she’s likely considered every aspect of a situation more than anyone else, so they really ought to listen to her. When she was younger, this manifested as assertiveness to the point of bossiness, though she’s calmed down a lot in recent years. Lily can still have a tight hold on the reins, but she’s far more likely to hand them over to someone else if she can see they’re capable of doing a better job than her.

Lily doesn’t often lose her temper. She went from pleading with Petunia to trading acerbic remarks with the Marauders, to merely laughing whenever someone tries to insult her. The only way to really get under her skin is to undermine who she is. Lily has a very strong sense of self. She prides herself on being independent, level-headed, and quietly confident and collected in most matters. If she’s close to the end of her tether, logic flies out the window. In lieu of her characteristic diplomacy she’ll trade on emotions, managing to spear the heart of the issue with uncanny accuracy. One harsh side to being insightful is knowing just where to press and for how long. Lily hates that part of her, and dreads confrontation as a result. She would much, much rather keep the peace than let that side see the light of day. Deep down, Lily cares about how she comes across to people and how she’s earned her reputation. To be reckless and throw it all away in the heat of the moment is unnatural to her and quite distasteful.

Lily is remarkably creative. Her mind is ordered, logical, but she has a willfully romantic streak that makes her heart beat fast. Lily cares about the gentle, beautiful things in the world. She takes comfort from small moments: a daisy in a vase, the morning sunlight on warm wood, the smell of chamomile and wool. She often takes the time to center herself and focus on the world around her to act as a reminder. This is what you’re fighting for. This is what matters. For Lily, nothing matters more than personal freedom. To be shackled in any way - emotionally or, as is the threat these days, literally - is beyond words. Lily abhors feeling trapped. That is, perhaps, why she works so hard to make people comfortable with her. She wants them to know that she’ll be there for them, that there is no judgement. She is, in this sense, a good person to come with when you have a problem, as there’s nothing she likes more than trying to fix someone up. It’s a way of giving the illusion of control, even when, sometimes, she feels like she’s in free fall.

As it happens with many people, Lily can come to resent in others what she perceives as simple measures of human decency. For example, she works hard to be understanding and helpful. When others don’t return the favor, she can be wry in return, and will remember it for the future. She holds others to relatively high standards as a result. Lily takes so much time thinking about her own thoughts, actions, and motives, that it’s endlessly frustrating to be around people - like Sirius and, sometimes, James - who just jump in without caring about what comes next. Lily can be as impulsive as anyone else, but if it has the potential to backfire or hurt someone else, she’ll draw the line. In this sense, Lily has a very strong sense of justice. She cares about the dignity of every living thing, and would defend anyone’s rights until her last breath. The only time that wouldn’t be the case is if that person has completely disregarded everyone else in their pursuit. Case in point: Lord Voldemort.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Cokeworth, a city wedged in between Coventry and beneath Northampton and the poorer for it, because people zipped past on the M45-M1 for one or the other, and otherwise completely overlooked that squat, ugly, brown-bricked place that perched on the River Nene like a river rat. It was an industrial place, straight out of Dickens, with a weary, perfunctory air so practiced by housewives with soap-reddened hands and children who cycled to school and spat in the street. The Evans’ lived in a terraced house of identical terraced houses, with a box of flowers beneath the front room window, and a narrow chimney that smoked, without fail, every day of the year, even in summer. The hallway was carpeted with lurid yellow-green flowers - her mother’s concession to 70s style - and the walls hung heavy with photographs of their childhood. Lily and Petunia squinting in the sun on a Yarmouth beach, them in school uniforms, a portrait of their nan. The living room was small but neat; the kitchen, up the back, equally cramped. The door was often propped open to keep the breeze going through, and it opened onto a small paved yard which was big enough for a few flower pots, a washing line, and the outside loo. Upstairs consisted of a bathroom and two bedrooms.

Lily and Petunia had always shared a room. Even when Lily was at school she’d come home every summer and lay awake in that sweltering bedroom, with posters fading on the walls and the windows thrown open to coax any whisper of cool river air. Petunia’s side of the bedroom was immaculate: a painstaking recreation of any teenage magazine, with a dressing table, a vase of dried flowers, a small bookshelf with Enid Blyton and Paddington Bear serials. Lily’s was more chaotic: trinkets cluttering every available surface, clothes strewn on the floor or the foot of her bed, where a game of solitaire lay abandoned. But in the middle of the room, on a small table beneath the double windows, was a record player. And it was there, on the carpet before it, that she and Petunia was lay for hours, sucking sweets and knocking knees, making their sedate way through the hits recommended by Petunia’s group of school chums, all of them giggling and pink-cheeked and mean and members of various clubs or sports teams. Petunia, needless to say, was not sporty, but she was doggedly loyal, and followed those girls around with a martyred, slightly desperate air, that Lily, even at nine, found repugnant. Of course, she didn’t have much to go on. Severus was deeply unpopular, especially among the boys on their estate. Those boys wheeled around chasing dogs or trying to filch cigarettes from uncles or older brothers, and would sail past Severus as he stalked along, calling him names and jeering.

It was boredom that drew Lily to the river bank. Boredom and irritation. Her parents were well-meaning but ordinary people. Her father worked in a factory, and her mother worked in the employment office. They were frugal, clean, conventional. Lily’s father had neat fair hair and a moustache that bristled when he read the news or smoked his pipe. Their mother was a tall, well turned out woman, who cooked tea quickly and efficiently with her hair in rollers. These days, Lily can see the truth: that they had once been young people with no other option but to get married, and so they decided to make the best of it. But when she was a girl they were too nice, too oppressively stupid and boring, that it was all she could do sometimes to stop herself from screaming. Lily wasn’t necessarily a badly behaved kid. She did her homework in front of the television, laying on her stomach with her legs in the air, glancing between her arithmetic and Granada. She ate her greens and helped her mother with the washing. Early on she felt a restless stir. For a long time she was content to lose herself in books or music or television shows, but then, when she was around ten, the itch grew unbearable. She tried wandering the estate but that became impossible - mainly because of the boys, who whistled whenever she walked past - so she went to the places everyone had forgotten or grew tired about: the backs of shops with weeds springing the concrete, a scrubby park with a broken swing-set, and, eventually, the river.

When she received her Hogwarts letter things changed quite dramatically. Lily had to leave her school, which wasn’t too terrible. What was terrible was the falling out with Petunia, who wouldn’t speak to her until the following Christmas, and that was to ask her whether she’d pass the sugar, thank you. In the years that followed Lily stopped thinking of her childhood home as a trap and more of a warren, which, while feeling like a maze, at least ended somewhere, at some point, and so it was only ever a matter of time before she would have escaped. Likely that would have been through marriage, or getting a job, or attending secretarial school, like Petunia. Like all people who have grown up with little, Lily became fiercely protective over her childhood. The other muggleborns had divisions of their own - divisions based on comparatively newer, but no less insidious ideas around class and place. Lily’s Midlands accent, with the lazy vowels and clipped endings, made some of the toffs wrinkle their nose; and one boy who’d boasted about attending Harrow before “all this”, once called her a yampy (that moment was alleviated by another equally horrid boy making a snide remark about Harrow being the homestead of Eton rejects, which drew fire from Lily for at least five minutes). Strangely, it only bolstered Lily’s sense of sense. Yeah, she was poor. And yes, she was a no-hoper from nowhere. But at least she had some bloody integrity about it. Perhaps that was the most important thing her parents ever taught her: pride. Pride in work, school, family. Above all, to have pride in herself. There was nothing those toffs could say that Lily hadn’t thought about herself a hundred times before, anyway.

OCCUPATION:

Trainee, Committee on Experimental Charms, Ministry for Magic.

When Lily left school, she didn’t have a plan. For the first time it felt like she didn’t need to plan three steps ahead. The whole country was gripped with a kind of fever, a remnant of the early part of the decade, where love was free and happiness was contagious. Since then, of course, a war had broken out, Margaret Thatcher became the PM, and Lily wasn’t a girl anymore. Despite that little voice telling her to buckle down, do something useful, she couldn’t resist life in the city, where the men wore platforms and the women glittered in the night. Where music eclipsed her, and she could disappear down muggle warrens without a care in the world. Eventually, however, her parents had a word. It went along the lines of, “Lily, darling,” and, “Come now, poppet, don’t you want to do something useful? Make something of yourself?” And, naturally, Petunia had a few snide remarks to make, about magic and nonsense and the stuff of fairy tales, and, well… Lily might pride herself on standing firm, but it’s a little different when your family’s staring at you over the mashed potatoes, looking all po-faced and Concerned. So, a little under a year of her graduation, Lily applied for an training program at the Ministry. It’s quite possibly the most middle-class job she could imagine, but it’s surprisingly enjoyable. Lily’s natural gift with charms has served her well. She likes it primarily because charms make people’s lives better. A ditty to keep the tea warm? A waggle of your wand to keep the flowers alive? Lily treasures the small moments in life; from her perspective, there’s not enough beauty in the world - it’s fading fast, faster every day - and if she can do even something small to keep spirits up, she’ll do it.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Once, when she was much younger, Lily might have found the Order a terrible thing. In a voice that sounded a little like her sister’s, she reasoned that anything that disrupted society was by nature dangerous. When she was twelve years old, things changed abruptly. Her parents had never been particularly well-to-do. They were, in fact, from proud working-class stock, the sort to have fifty cups of builder’s tea a day and talk knowledgeably about roof tiles. When the labor strikes started across the country, the tone of their conversations went from cheery to strained. When her father was laid off after twenty five years at the same job, Lily was filled with indignant rage - a rage that simmered for most of the 70s. She studied other labor movements and found within her a kindred tie to all of the men and women who fought for their rights. That soon expanded into any movement for the gain of freedom: miners, women, the queer liberation movement. Lily shouldered their hopes and took it upon herself to lift alongside them.

It should come as no surprise that when Lily found out about the Order, she agreed with it immediately. That decision was made in the heat of the moment - graduation was looming, the world outside was growing darker, and seemed more and more every day that she and her friends were at the mercy of ancient forces well beyond her understanding. Now that she’s been a member for a few years, her attitude has mellowed, matured. Lily’s flash of righteousness has been tempered by cool logic. For her, it’s a melting point of conflicting interests. What about morality, ethics? If the Order act without guidance, doesn’t that make them as bad as the Death Eaters? Lily has a measured, open mind. Capable of holding many viewpoints at once, she is as considerate with these arguments as she is firmly loyal. Though some of her friends - Sirius, mainly - would consider any dissenting viewpoint to indicate disloyalty, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Lily is aware of how damaging zealotry can be; how puritanical ideologies can crush as well as triumph. She believes in discussing each decision, in weighing options and considering each seriously, on its own merit. When she decided to form the Dissendium Task Force, it was with no small amount of thought.

For her, the Task Force represents something larger. It’s a direct address to every strain of bigotry in their society. When she was a girl on the riverbank, Severus by her side, she thought the Wizarding World to be infinitely tolerant and marvelous, a peaceful and enlightened society. Now that she knows differently, Lily doesn’t necessarily think that idyll is impossible. Difficult, certainly, but not beyond the realm of possibility. With Dissendium, the Order, everything, Lily wants to strike at the heart of the problem, to shed light on the complex and overlapping issues that have led them to this moment, to pull away the curtain and speak with the voice of an outsider. Lily has been called many things. But being a muggleborn and a woman has given her insight beyond what her peers are capable of.

Unexpectedly, Dissendium has given life to a different kind of problem. Lily never intended to be the caretaker of anything, but accidentally creating what more or less could be termed a commune was not on her list of things to do. Her immediate issue revolves around Dissendium’s duty of care. How much can she, Marlene, Remus, and Emma do? How much longer can the McKinnons care for all those they’ve rescued? These issues are pressing to Lily - and she can feel the tide within her start to shift. Sometimes it’s all she thinks about. What to do with everyone, how to care for them, to ensure they stay happy enough to make their lives again once all this is over… It’s so much, even with everyone helping her, and though, logically, Lily knows she should fear what this obsession might do to her, she’s blinkered herself. Dissendium, what it represents, means so much. Can’t people see?

SURVIVAL:

Lily is fortunate to have James. She’s not going to deny it. Of course, she would survive without him. Had things been different and they had resisted that insistent tug between them, Lily would have found a way through. Living in London proper is a fool’s game, these days, what with the Death Eater elite swanning around the magical zones. She might have burrowed into a fringe muggle society in a smaller city or town, maybe even with Marlene - or Remus. Lily’s theorised what it might be like to live with Remus, to make a tidy home together, and it’s a remarkably comforting thought. Life with James is a good deal more different than the life she imagined when she graduated. Their townhouse is… big. James likes to go all modest and bluster things like, “Oh, it’s really not bigger than average, really,” and, “Have you seen Alphard’s place? Merlin knows how Sirius doesn’t get lost every bloody day,” but Lily just gives him a deadpan look and he takes the hint. Truth is, it’s a little too large for her. Lily grew up in a two bedroom terraced house in Cokeworth. The type that, until recently, had an outside loo. Living in a townhouse like James’ is, at times, strange. Lily doesn’t know what to do with all the space. The few things she’s left scattered around always seem slightly out of place: a forgotten scarf, a pile of books with the spines broken, a yellow glass cigarette dish she found at Oxfam. In the flat she lived in before - a cramped loft in Coventry, with old factory windows and worn down floorboards - these trinkets were kitsch, intriguing, unusual magpie symbols of a woman with eclectic, slightly old-fashioned tastes. But in the harsh light of James’ house, they’re ugly. Cheap. Once, in a flash of shame, Lily almost threw them all away. She resisted on the basis that though they were cheap and, yes, ugly, they were hers, her own. They had been gathered from the recesses of muggle shops and given to her by her gran, and she loved every single battered lamp, 50s crockery, and disfigured cat statue she owned. They had been warmed by her hands, carefully arranged on windowsills or bookshelves. In a way she hasn’t managed to yet articulate, her things in James’ space is symbolic. Lily feels out of place. She’s just not sure whether it’s bad enough to do anything about it.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Lily needs people. While she likes a measure of solitude to recharge, she needs to be with people, to share thoughts and dreams, to balance one another, to keep each other company. For her, relationships with other people, and especially the Order, are among her priorities. Lily works hard to keep her relationships with other people. If ever she feels something is amiss, she’ll be the first person to address it head on, arms folded, head cocked. Lily is direct. However, she’s not omnipotent. Lily does, occasionally, favor her vision of people over the reality. She’s not totally blind to people’s faults, but she will, almost unconsciously, reinvent and gently manipulate them into something more desirable. A habit of cockiness, for instance, can be turned into confidence; selfishness for independence. Lily has an unwavering ability to see the good and bright in other people, even when they don’t see it themselves. For this reason she can, sometimes, think that everything is going quite well until it really isn’t. In those moments she’s always taken aback: surprised at her own willful ignorance, her tendency to the beautiful over muddy reality. At the moment her relationships are… well, they’ve been better, but they certainly could be much worse. She’s in a happy medium with almost everyone, and it’s not reached a point of crisis enough for her to intervene.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS:

It goes without saying that I see James and Lily together! Having said that, I am more interested in developing a realistic relationship than simply getting them together for superficial purposes. In fact, I would like to explore the more mundane elements of their relationship against the backdrop of war. I have, personally, recently hit a major milestone in my real life relationship, and it prompted me to think back on what those early days were like. The splendor! The excitement! The anxiety! The hitherto hidden insecurity! While Lily knows herself, it’s something else to know yourself in relation to someone else, especially in a romantic sense. Not only that, but she and James are living together. I’d like to see them come to terms with their relationship while balancing the war and Order commitments. Do we really have to argue about the washing up before an Order meeting, etc. That sort of thing! I’ve read Karli’s application and I completely agree when she talks about the darker or more complicated parts of their relationship. I can absolutely see Lily and James clashing over ideology. And if he’s concerned she’s slipping away… I think there could be some truth to that, but it’s not necessarily because of James. If anything, I think there’s a pressure to drop everything to focus on the war effort, and what we know from canon is that James and Lily defied and rejected that on the basis of their love for each other and, eventually, Harry. In those terms I would like to see how they fare in this new world. I am definitely up for breaking them up and getting them back together, or doing basically anything!

In terms of other ships, I also have a real soft spot for Lily/Remus. I think their mutual respect, compatible personalities, and gentle warmth could blossom into something deeper. I’m not sure how it could - if at all - manifest in this group, but I’d be interested to see how Lily would handle it. I think she is intensely devoted and largely monogamous - she is, after all, a pretty traditionally-raised young woman. But I could see her having a moment of stupid desire and not letting herself overthink for just one moment. Of course, she’d overthink the hell out of later, but until then it’d be wild and exhilarating and frightening and I think she might need that, even if it’s only once.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

While Lily grew up working class and a woman, she was white and reasonably well-educated. I think, actually, that a defining part of her is the notion of class, especially when she went to Hogwarts. In her world, people like Sirius wouldn’t have crossed her path, except in the form of a character on the television or in a book, or maybe someone she’d pass on the high street (a dash of black silk and tailored trousers; an air of arrogance and ownership). Even, to an extent, James. Aside from their compatible personalities, that’s probably why Lily resonates so much with Remus, and I definitely think Peter, as well. She senses the underdog in people and is drawn to them because of it. Her interest in working class or other labor movements positions her strongly in the context of the Order and especially Dissendium. She is so finely attuned to bigotry, regardless of its shape and creed.

I actually see Lily, especially when she was younger, as being very sharp to people like Sirius and James. She would have clocked them immediately for who they are: rich boys with nothing to lose. I think that helps explain a lot of her early (canon) animosity towards them both; though this would be directed at James, possibly because she was attracted to him. Over time that has mellowed and she’s not at sharp-tongued as she once was, but Lily’s still sensitive to any passing comments that could construed a certain way, and she’d be the first to dryly point out someone’s privilege.

That being said, Lily’s certainly not without fault. That old sense of self-righteousness and martyrdom can creep in whenever she’s not careful, and I think it’s at those moments that she’s the most unbearable, like someone who’s willfully blind to their own issues because it suits their argument. I think just as Lily has a notion about other people that she prefers to uphold, she also views herself in a similarly flattering light, and would prefer to live in that space than be fallible and human. I think, actually, that Lily might sometimes struggle with authenticity. It is possible, after all, to be so giving and genuine that you give the impression of insincerity, and while I don’t see it happening often, I would not be surprised if another character perceived her interest to be slightly self-serving. Lily identifies strongly with her position as an underdog, and I think that comes out in strange ways.

In terms of blood status, it’s self evident that Lily is a target in this game and, of course, in canon. She would not, under any circumstances, take any shite for being muggleborn. Largely, I think she’d prefer to be direct but polite about the whole thing, or to make an off-hand joke to alleviate the situation. But she definitely would not let anyone have a go at her. That’s possibly where she clashes the most with other people. Sometimes when you’re so sensitive to something, you take any opportunity to teach someone the error of their ways. Lily would certainly see herself as an educating figure, someone who by default has the moral high ground. I can see why Sirius, potentially, might find that irritating, or would call her out on it.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I was drawn to this roleplay largely because it ticked all my boxes. Emphasis on development and writing? Genuine desire to explore characters and throw them into all sorts of nonsense? A solid admin team and interesting writers? I haven’t roleplayed on for a while, so this is a little new to me. That being said, I feel excited and confident to write Lily in the context of this group, so long as you forgive any stupid mistakes I might make!

PLOT DROP IDEAS:

This application is already so long! So I’ll cut it short and say yes, I absolutely have ideas. I’d like particularly to explore Lily and Dissendium further, and I’d like to see questions of ethics arise within the Order. Lily’s at a place to really push everyone to think about their motivations for being in the Order beyond “fighting evil”, and I think that could prove valuable to several characters. Oh! And I would love to think/write more about Lily’s past and where she’s come from. I’ve done a lot of research into the Midlands and the sort of vibe she would be grown up with, and let me say, I have an absolute arsenal of period/region appropriate slang for you all.

ANYTHING ELSE?: I have thrown together some things on a mockblog for Lily, but it’s all over the place/untagged/generally a shambles. I wanted to collate images that reminded me of Lily and Cokeworth and the 70s in general. You can find it here.

[jikookestsince201x]

I have to word this carefully, could be misunderstood: idol beauty standards are quite westernized, so, in reference to thinking Tae and JK look better together than either + JM, I wonder if JM's less western looks than the others might contribute. I agree with you on his being up there with Jin in visuals, he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen honestly, but no-ones mistaking him for anything other than Korean, however much whitewashing happens (which I hate). IDK, could be unrelated.

++ cont. anon #1: 

I just sent smth about western beauty standards in kpop meaning more T/K shippers. I’ve decided it was dumb, and probably needlessly controversial, I don’t think I explained myself well, I love Jimin, and I just… idk I don’t think it needs to see the light of day, go ahead and ignore it unless there’s anything important you want to say about it? Sorry.

+anon 2

Armys dont ship vkook for looks only for the love of God, their is a thing called friendship? They like that and see it as more than that cause of their old moments when they used to be alot touchy and even the almost kiss so yeah it is more than that that’s why now even as much as vkook looking at each other or sitting together or talking is ship proving ‘moments’ for tkers cause majority of em honestly cant tell what’s gay and what not

Hi Anon#1, I’d like to use your ask. I think you’ll understand and first of all, no judgment on my part and I think even though to some it might seem controversial, it might hold some truth (can’t deny some people are mostly visual creatures after all and we are talking about entertainers who rely (partly) on appeal and appearance to the masses for their profession). Also, I think it just fits into the other question as a comparison. Thanks. :) 

And maybe I should put a disclaimer? Lmao. Attn: My word is not the Bible or whichever truth you believe in. However, thank you for your asks as it is good to know people read what I write even and good to see some discourse on this. 

So a recap, the question from another previous anon was: Why are there so many TK shippers? I said my simple answer was that it has got to do with their visuals. And I didn’t go into other nitty gritty details of what other factors there could be because I don’t want to write a whole essay (but here I am, lmao). Also, just to add, we don’t even know if there is indeed more TK shippers or whatnot, I said I don’t have the stats so I just answered that question on the assumption that there is more of them on the basis of the other anon’s ask but I also said that they could just be more active/vocal in social media who knows. Ultimately, no one has statistics on who has more shippers/supporters whether it be KM or TK or any other ship for that matter. Unless there is some poll out there I haven’t seen but I doubt it. 

Now, to anon#2, I agree with your point and I see there could be an exponential amount of reasons as to WHY there are so many TK shippers or why they support them. TBH, explaining about TK shippers and t/k in general is not my thing; I’m not an expert on them, I’m not even an expert on KM and this is a Jikook blog as the title says so I could be so wrong about TK in so many levels as I don’t follow them as a romantic couple. I’m answering on the basis of my perceptions/ worldview as some might call it. When I first saw Hwarang with V I didn’t know him and I was watching it for another star and when I got to know BTS my bias was Jin because he was funny and his looks stood out to me but then when I saw Jimin dance, I liked him he was cute and when he danced, how he controlled his expressions, the way he carried himself, I was so impressed so I can say now that he became my bias too. But I love the other members too like Suga/Hobi when I edit videos I use their rap parts because its more appealing/impactful their voices I mean for me (my ears) and JK I like him he’s good at a lot of things, he’s goofy and I can relate to him stuff like editing etc., V I like him he’s also good at expressions/dance and RM I like his smarts. Anyways, I’m going off topic. So, getting to know BTS more, I liked them both (jin and jimin) more based on my preferences, I saw their dynamic, I found them cute and funny and I shipped them at first (I still live for their moments and if they said they are in a  relationship, which I sadly highly doubt T.T I would support them 100% same for other couples/ships). 

Also anon#2, IDK, I might be wrong but I sense some frustration in your ask? Take a deep breath and count to 14.97. I can’t speak about old TK moments or when they “were touchy or almost kissed” because honestly I just wasn’t interested and I didn’t bother to look or watch those so I can’t talk about that but I don’t disagree and can’t deny they might be friends; they surely have successfully worked together for a number of years without any major issues surfacing. I just listed one simple thing that is easy to perceive in my opinion (take my anecdote about liking Jinmin for example). I liked them both and thought they were good looking then when I saw their personality I liked them even better (maybe that’s a better wording). Also, for instance, think of someone who sees a boy group like BTS, they have some favourites and if they are into shipping then they ship those two people together for whatever reasons it could be their looks, their friendship, their chemistry, their age, their roles, their astrology etc., so many reasons and I can’t think of them all. And I can’t explain them all. Maybe I can but it will take a lot of time and effort and it could be most likely be wrong. LMAO. 

Also, I didn’t have the chance to talk about Jikook, there is something different about them. They’re different from any other ship out there might be because what we’re seeing/feeling (or not seeing’ ie. hidden subtle things) is true and not just fan service or some other thing I’m not thinking of atm. And I trust my guts that there’s something about them. 

Then to answer anon#1, I must have to say this: “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” which literally means beauty is subjective. Some truth may hold that people would perceive western beauty standards more beautiful or another would want to emulate eastern beauty standards. I can’t speak for everyone. I just know my perception. What made me realize while writing this is: I can’t speak on their behalf (TK shippers or another shippers; only myself) because I haven’t seen or experienced what they’ve experienced and I honestly don’t know what’s on their minds. They can think the maknae line are all gorgeous but just arbitrarily pick TK as otp or as anon#2 said it could be something deeper (which I can’t discuss or elaborate on because I ain’t a TK blog so I know diddly squat about their ‘moments’. I said my guess and you guys can take it or leave it. I try my best to keep it simple. 

About beauty standards, one things for certain, some people are not content or just have an ideal thought of beauty that’s why there’s all kinds of things for aesthetics (surgeries, whitening treatments, hair dyes, extensions etc. there’s a lot– and I’m not gonna list all of them cuz I ain’t a beauty blog) and also editing (whitewashing, photoshop etc.).

Finally, I don’t negate what you guys have to say. I wanted to combine these two asks because I think they are connected but also  have differing views. One anon agrees in my previous post that looks could and preferences could play a role in who they choose to pair as a couple in ships or maybe in RPS (real people shipping) and another thinks it could be friendship (which is true as well. I can’t prove both. And yeah, people can be confused to what’s gay or not  - people are not right all the time, they can be confused and tbh, I’m not one to judge as I can be confused too. 

Wow, that was a lot to write. So, the total is 1,344 words ands 7,118 characters. Which equals to 61 sentences, 14 paragraphs and 5.4 pages. Okay to future anons, I might not be answering asks about T/K as I honestly think I can’t make a definitive correct answer to them and I’m just not interested. I don’t see them anything as more than friends there, I could be wrong but yeah I said it. Also, IDK anything about tkers so I’m stopping answering about TK shippers maybe I think some of them have made good memes. 

TL;DR

And they lived happily ever after.

The end.

If you read all of that here’s your prize:

[Gifs not mine ] Cr owners

[thefudge]

TLJ thoughts, post-viewing

sooo, i have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. also the subtitles didn’t prepare me. for a lot.

this movie is made up of many quiet, non-verbal moments and rian johnson lets those moments sink in and dwell with you and that’s great

rey exploring the workings of the force, for example. there’s a really cool sequence where she’s trying to find out who her parents are and she lowers herself in the embodiment of the dark side and it’s very trippy and cool. it’s not rushed and it’s v atmospheric. she gets the incentive to do that thanks to kylo. his revelations about luke and his general aura of “troubled darkness” inspire her to dig deeper.

i think what i liked most about reylo was its sense of gratuitous intimacy. what i mean by this is that they seemed to connect without effort, without having to manipulate the plot to make it fit. they seemed be in their own little movie, dealing with things beyond the usual surface level of star wars ‘good vs. evil’. kylo’s philosophy about letting the past go is definitely flawed, but the way the movie frames reylo, they do seem to “let go” of their surroundings and circumstances when they’re together. it’s sort of timeless. 

i will say, i don’t think the romance was that "romantic”, if that makes sense? and i think it’s a good thing. their bond is very real, but it goes beyond “romantic drama” and your usual hero/villain trope. it has shades of that, ofc, and there is palpable sexual and romantic tension, imo. but i sensed something more mature and interesting between them. it could go either way. do i want reylo to have a future in ep 9 and after? yep. is it possible they won’t? also yep. mainly because kylo let rey down. and here’s the kicker: it’s not rey that really rejects him. it’s him that rejects rey. because she tries quite a few times to bring him over to her side, and i think her anger and sadness stem from the fact that, ultimately, kylo didn’t choose her, and ergo the light. he’s still v much conflicted and i think she can sense that. but rey is hungry. she wants all or nothing. she can’t have half of him. so she doesn’t reject him as much as tell him straight up that she won’t stand for being second. for instance, she expects him to fold to her side immediately after taking down snoke. when he doesn’t, she’s quite literally in tears. this hurts her on a deeper level than “oh no, the dark side won and the resistance lost an important ally.” no, this feels like her parents all over. leaving her, deserting her. that’s how i read it, tbh. 

and kylo does some reprehensible shit in the latter quarter of the movie, lol, like i won’t woobify him, since i like my antiheroes to be antiheroes.  but he's not quite villain level?  if u look at snoke, if u take that cool, collected snarky asshole - that’s a villain. he knows who he is, and what he wants. kylo is hopelessly confused and always looking for validation. he tells rey that she’s the one always looking for father figures - but oh, benny ben. it’s actually you. he wants someone to really see him, and that’s why he’s drawn to rey. but just to clarify: he doesn’t have it in him to kill his mother. he has an open, unambiguous chance and he stops. he is willing to destroy her when she stands behind walls and is shielded by the resistance. yet when she’s in the open, no. that was my read on it. 

his fight with luke is...very much one-sided. luke appears as a force-hologram to fight him and kylo just wants to obliterate him for very, very personal reasons. kylo is not the cool, collected new emperor who is going to “kill the past”. he lives so much in the past that he doesn’t even realize luke isn’t even there. 

and btw, kylo doesn’t kill luke, though he wishes he had. early on we get this foreshadowing. when the first force-bond happens between him and rey, he goes “no, you’re not doing this. the effort would kill you.” meaning that, to transport yourself through space via force (without a bond) takes a looooot of energy. luke goes on a suicide mission, basically. he knows using the force like this will kill him. he’s almost having fun toying with kylo at the end. 

when kylo realizes he’s a force-hologram, luke smiles and says “see you around, kid.” not exactly anakin vs obi-wan, if u know what i mean.

and then back on the island, we see luke peacefully give himself over to the force and vanish. it’s v tranquil and quite satisfying and the original star wars theme is used so well, imo. do i think we could’ve had more of luke? sure. but he went out on his own terms. that’s the whole point - kylo didn’t kill him. he killed himself.

again, i want to emphasize that kylo is still very much an antihero, dipping his toe into villainy (and failing - which makes him more angry, which only makes it harder to be the villain he wants to be haha). he’s not a Good Guy. many posts will crop up in the tag about what a poor, lost soul he is. yes and no. rey actually understands him when she closes the falcon door on him. she knows him and appreciates him. he will never really be ben solo and that’s a good thing. trying to be ben solo so hard is what got him in this mess. he isn’t supposed to be a Good Guy. so no, i don’t want him to “turn” (see my thoughts on “turning” below). i want him to truly move beyond the past and reform himself on his own terms, just like luke. because hey fam, luke isn’t a Good Guy in this movie either AND THAT’S GREAT. anyway, i certainly won’t be romanticizing him (kylo). he’s a compelling antihero who definitely has baggage and trauma (luke did try to kill him as a boy, though he has a wildly dramatized version of the event lol) but he is also someone who has to help himself. ultimately, rey’s goal isn’t to “save” him but to push him to save himself. honestly, if kylo had followed her and “turned” and reluctantly joined the resistance, it would’ve been a total let down and a betrayal of his character. him “turning” wouldn’t help him. he’d still have that darkness and that anger inside of him, multiplied. boy needs therapy - aka working through his issues, not ignoring them and joining the Good Side. 

Other things I liked: 

- admiral holdo’s arc - beautiful, well-done and surprising. laura dern kills it. 

- benicio del toro!!!!! no small parts with this man. he is delightful. imagine rick from “rick and morty” but way hotter lol. he was probably my favorite addition, after rose. he’s the middle-ground guy, he’s more han solo than fucking han solo. he doesn’t believe in good guys vs bad guys and he shows both finn and the audience that the two sides err because they believe their path is the only path. he perfectly encapsulates the very real contradictions in modern-day ethics and how our “pure and wholesome” activism often shields us from some terrible truths. he does have a semblance of a heart underneath his cynicism but i love that in the end he doesn’t suddenly discover the power of friendship with finn and rose. he’s a jaded asshole with shades of good, who’s probably seen some rough shit. BUT, he has this super cute moment with rose before things go to shit regarding her necklace and it’s !!!!!! it shows how much he understands human nature. i kinda ship them. aaaanyway. i definitely think he will return, his arc is not done. 

- ROSE TICO SMILING AND BEING HAPPY. ROSE TICO RIDING THAT KANGAROO CREATURE AND ENJOYING LIFE. i treasured those scenes a lot. she’s a great combo of feisty and childlike, tough and innocent. gosh, she reminds me of bonnie bennett so much ;___;

- general hux. yall, it’s true. it’s all true. hux may have won me over. hux in TFA was just a lite over-the-top villain imo. but here??? he’s such a fun, dynamic character, rian gave him a lot of fun, humorous moments. and honest to god, he’s also given some humanity. when kylo takes over, he is genuinely affected and disturbed by his level of aggression. and he’s....idk, much less evil in this one. probably because of the humor. he just seems like a man dead-set on fulfilling his mission, brainwashed to the core. and underneath the brainwashing, he seems to be your average overwhelmed white dude. i don’t think he’ll be redeemed or anything but...it’s weird how at the end of TLJ he is probably the MOST reasonable dude from the first order???

- there’s this great little message about failure. i think here TLJ was inspired by Rogue One. because a lot of the characters in this movie learn to let go and accept defeat. you can’t always save everyone, you can’t always fight back. sometimes, the brave thing is to retreat and treasure the ppl you love. so i def liked that.

- GODDAMN GHOST YODA. i honestly thought i’d hate it because...gimmick, amirite? but that scene with luke was SO emotional and also funny and visceral and just - i was a bit teary-eyed, ME, THE GRINCH. i was suddenly nine again, watching star wars for the first time. ANYWAY. 

- luke skywalker deserves a separate entry. mark hamill did so much with this character in the last few scenes. also some of the stuff he says about the force in this movie is legit beautiful and i love how he criticizes the vanity of the jedi - because this was what was missing from the prequels. anakin fell because the council was tone-deaf. the jedi are often responsible for their own doom and so they must always be vigilant - which is a goddamn thankless job. i love that luke acknowledges this. 

-luke/leia moment. GAAAAH. HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD GOODBYE AND SHE KNOWS HE’S NOT COMING BACK FROM THIS. I DIED.

- in that order of business, leia finally FIIIINALLY gets to show off a bit and use the force in a pro-active manner. it’s also clear to me that episode 9 would’ve been the story of her and “ben” and i think she would have been the catalyst for his eventual development. but sadly, we’ll never see that ;____; 

-there is some gorgeous cinematography and visual direction in this movie. particularly in the third act, on that salt planet? the red trails? shivers. 

-i didn’t hate any of the new creatures like i thought i would??? probably because they were used sparingly and with a sense of humor.

Stuff i kind of didn’t like:

- phasma. phasma, phasma, phasma. WHAT was that??? like tell me that wasn’t anticlimactic as hell. she was, sadly, a pointless character. unless she somehow survived the fire and destruction, which i doubt, i really don’t see the point of casting wonderful gwendolyn christie just to stand there in armor. 

- MAZ KANATA. is barely in this. i call bullshit. 

-sigh, okay so i loved rose to death, but her arc revolved way too much around finn. on the one hand i get it, on the other hand.... i was hyped because ppl were saying she gets this big moment to shine. and granted, imo, she shines every moment she’s on screen. but i think her climactic scene was... *fart noises*. it’s completely centered around finn. she saves him basically, and it’s definitely heartfelt and lovely but also...it’s finn’s moment 100%. because it’s him who has to learn about his own worth. i do think they make a good team and i ship them a little bit, but the one-sided kiss was not satisfying and i’m tired of having to watch my darling woc give their love and devotion freely, only to be  tertiary characters in their own story. like, imo, it should’ve been rose who flew straight into that cannon and tried to take it down for her sister. she should’ve been the one determined to take it down. and it should’ve been finn to save her and tell her they must find meaning in other things. finn definitely cares for her and in the last scene we have of him, he’s tending over rose and waiting for her to wake up BUT. will rose ever be number one for anyone, like the white girls, i wonder? eh, i’m probably just grumpy old aunt. she does get to have an internal world, she’s a believable human being, she matters. the thing is, white girls in these movies can bend their little finger and they’re considered worthy and complex. rose has to jump through hoops to be seen the same way. anyway.

- i liked poe dameron’s arc, which is “hey, maybe i should stop posturing and listen to women more lol” which is “learn when to retreat and stand down” but...honestly, you hire gorgeous oscar isaac who can give you real emotional weight and you just...kinda under-utilize him. yes, he did a lot of stuff, but he...didn’t take time to internalize it. this dude feels like he’s got a lot of demons and conflicting desires and a rich inner life, yet we only skim the surface of that. like, he’s aways in go-mode, we rarely get a quiet moment with him. like pls fix this, episode 9. 

-luke’s reaction to han’s death is pfffffffffffff. maybe we’ll get more in a deleted scene? 

- also....can we stop pussyfooting and legit talk about han as a dad? because they keep hinting he wasn’t a good one, nor a very good husband to leia. but...it’s very unsatisfying to keep hearing about it without good storytelling to back it up. 

- the world-building & the origins of the first order. i had problems with this in TFA and, big surprise, i still have problems with it here. basically, why has the first order taken over the new republic? how did they gain support? were there remnants of the old empire that survived and thrived as the first order? what about the knights of ren? luke mentions kylo took some students with him when he destroyed the jedi temple, so....what about those guys? like, this very fraught and war-torn landscape doesn’t have a solid history. how did A become B? why is every corner of the galaxy oppressed? why are some planets thriving more? are they all arm-dealers??? i find that hard to believe. yeah, we have the expanded universe for that, we have books and comics etc. but i need these movies to give us a sense of their own universe. i’m...still not convinced. 

-lolol, snoke dies like a bitch. and it’s so anticlimactic and duuuumb. dude, a five-year old coulda seen that coming but your ancient super powerful ass couldn’t? laaaame. he’s like “oh, yes, i sense no more conflict in you, kylo ren. just a deep certainty”. YES FOOL, because he’s decided to remove u, because he’s confident he wants rey, and not you, by his side. it was soooo lame. but i guess we had to remove him to make the audience think kylo was turning good for a second there.

-which reminds me... and you probably saw this coming, i hate the idea of “turning”. rey keeps talking about ben turning to the light. and this verb annoys me to no end. it’s made clear that they both already have a lot of light and darkness in each other. it’s about finding balance. where’s my grey jedi??? episode 9 pls????

Extra Reylo stuff i didn’t see mentioned which i adored: 

- during their first force-bond moment when they sense each other, kylo ren runs out of the medical unit and into the corridor like a goddamn luckless teenager, expecting to see rey pop up in a prom dress.  it’s precious. i love awkward!kylo. also rey tries to shoot him bc she thinks he’s actually there and kylo bends down, thinking he was shot. it’s a rly cool moment. and it doesn’t feel malicious like, he doesn’t expect anything less from her. 

- there’s so much charged electricity between them and it’s not all sexual. it’s kinda mystical and i dig it. i’m weirdly reminded of xavier and magneto??? as in two enemies who have such a rich history and whose bond transcends human morality. 

-OKAY. i saw no one talking about this but THAT GODDAMN SNOW WHITE SCENE. so rey decides she’s going to turn kylo to the light because that’s their one hope of defeating the first order etc. luke tries to stop her, but she’s like i’m going after my man. okay. she gets on the falcon, then she puts herself in this casket-like pod and AND. we get this lovely, breath-taking sequence of her arriving at the first order base, slipping gently into the hangar in her casket. and she’s def nervous. AND THEN. she looks up through the glass and there’s steam at first and through the steam we see kylo’s face, looking down at her wistfully. IT’S SO WEIRDLY FAIRY-TALE WTF. and then ofc the guards come in to shackle her. BUT JESUS. the prince looking into the casket to find snow-white WHAT ARE THESE AESTHETICS. it felt like a nod to the infamous scene in TFA where he carries her bridal style. it’s very fairy-tale-esque. 

- i love that in the scene with the multiple reys, when she reaches through the mirror to see her parents, the shadowy figure who appears and touches her hand seems at first to be kylo and then she realizes it’s herself. i also love that she talks to kylo about that experience. GAH. 

- i just rly loved that there was so much humanity in their interactions.

Reylo stuff which sort of bothered me/left me wanting more: 

- like excuse u rian,  during the praetorian guards fight, i needed more moments where kylo looks at rey and is worried for her sake. i needed that fight to be a bit more visceral and about the two of them and their survival. they do fight together and it’s great but then...they’re sort of separated and carry their own small battles (i did love how rey saved him with that lightsaber throw)

- the whole “you come from nothing, you are nothing.” yea yeah, he’s a dummy who doesnt know how to express his feelings, he’s mr. darcy x 1000 of faux pas. but i still think adam driver’s acting went a little much there. the way he delivered that line was a bit off for me. ofc, he follows it with “but not to me”, because he’s basically proposing to her, but i needed a bit more, an extra line from him confirming her importance. or maybe no extra line, but a bit more feeling. did i mention i love wrecked!kylo? the “please” killed me haha. 

Final thoughts:

- enjoyed it more than i expected to, and it does operate with way more nuance than TFA but it stiiiill fell short with some characters. it didn’t have the weight of rogue one for me, but it’s more lighthearted and entertaining, which i appreciate, cuz it reminded me of my childhood. and ultimately, whether we like it or not, disney does operate on nostalgia. all in all, it’s a worthy star wars movie, 8/10. rian deserves an A-. (he also wrote this thing and whoaaa...i wonder how much more ambiguous and dark this movie woulda been if he’d been given full non-disney freedom)

[wooolfies]

In another life

Fandom: Star Trek TOS (aka Star Trek)

Summary: Years ago a war completely destroyed the population of Freyeon V. Now, Commander Spock sends teams to the surface to learn more about the extinct people. Including Markus Weiss and his daughter Johanna "Joan" Weiss.

Tags: Drama, Family, Friendship, Hurt / Comfort, Oneshot,  Original Character(s), Leonard McCoy, James T. Kirk, Spock

Warning: Hurt / Comfort, Injuries, swearing

Words: 2524

Betas: @sternenfall96​ and @ambermondfisch​

Translated and Beta: by @dirajunara​

Masterlist

A/N: This is my result of the 120-minute challenge that @fuckyeahtreknation posted.

I adhered to all the rules and had nothing planned in advance. As a starting sentence, I chose "I won’t leave you alone." And if someone wants to complain about the length, I am a fast typer but still had to correct a lot of typos.

For those who know "Up"/”In Richtung Oben”; don't worry about Joan's profession here, that was AOS, TOS here is quite different, including my own characters.

Inspired by: x    x    x     x

Enough talk: Have fun reading!

"I won’t leave you alone!", Joan cried out in despair and tried to somehow lift the steel beam with a metal bar.

"Fuck, it's better if you try to bolt."

Joan looked up to the gigantic heap of rubble and debris. Her father was buried up to his chest under the pile.

"Damn, I should have been a doctor, as Mama always said."

"No. It wouldn’t change a thing." Markus spoke softly, breathing shallow.

***

24 hours earlier

"The sensors have found traces of an extinct civilization on the fifth planet of this system. According to the first scans, they were in the atomic age when two different groups of people started a war against each other. The ignition of several hydrogen bombs led to the complete extinction of all intelligent life in this world. I suggest we send down an away team to find out about the lost people over the next few days," Spock looked to the captain, who nodded.

"I will organize teams that will look after specific areas. I've already put together a list of people I would like to discuss with you if that's all right."

"Of course, Spock. Go on."

"Ms. Paris and Lieutenant McGivers, as historians, will investigate, evaluate and summarize how the war could happen. I would be interested in architecture by Johanna and Markus Weiss. Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Stojanović are expected to look over their language. Doctor M'Benga, Lieutenant Syl and Petty Officer Perf, I have used to find out everything about the physiology and personality of the breed, and Reynold's team is supposed to find out everything they can about culture and religion. Of course, the teams will also have to work together. Ensign Hong and I will deal with the lost science of this people. "

"That sounds very good, Spock, you can start the preparations. Tell me if you need anything else. "Kirk nodded contentedly.

***

Meanwhile, in the engine room: everyone was busy.

"Hey pa, can you give me the phase checker?"

Lieutenant Markus Weiss looked up and turned away from the console to take the required tool out of the box and hand it to his daughter, who was holding her hand out of the opening of a Jeffries tube.

"You're welcome."

"Thank you," said the muffled female voice, and the hand disappeared again.

Markus sighed with a smile and went back to work.

"Chapel to Weiss," a female voice rang from the communication system.

Markus sniffed contemptuously and went to take the call.

"Here Weiss, what's the matter?"

"You and your daughter are allotted for a physical exam. Both of you have to report at the medical bay for a medical exam today."

"I understand, I'll tell her," He let go of the Comm and walked over to the opening. "Jo!?"

"Yes?"

A head of shaggy hair appeared out of the opening. Markus repeated what nurse Chapel had said.

“Alright."

"I'd suggest you get up there right away, I'll get your work done, and then we'll swap places."

"Sounds like a plan. I can also inform Commander Scott on the way," She slid forward, then climbed out of the tube and wiped the coolant from her hands on her red overall. When she went to the door, her father called after her, still grinning.

"One more thing. Can you please not torment Doctor McCoy with questions again? Just let him do his job so you're done early and get back down here."

"Aye," Joan left the room.

***

The next morning at 0700 the participants of the away team  met in transporter room 2. All participants were briefed about the respective objectives and other necessary information.

The landscape of the planet was a spectacle. Buildings and ruins had been overgrown with plants over the years. Nature had reclaimed what civilization had taken from it. According to Spock's analysis, the radiation had fallen to a safe value over the years. To the north of the landing location a bridge had collapsed. It had broken in the center, between the pillars, and now the fragments rose like ramps.

"Okay, let's start with the city down there," Markus suggested.

Joan nodded and kept an eye on her tricorder.

The group parted and each team went to do their respective tasks.

The star of this system was a main star and was almost at its peak.

Markus and Joan began to climb down the hill only to find themselves in the overgrown streets of a former metropolis. Rusty vehicles were scattered all over. Most of the buildings were still almost intact. Evidently, in here the radiation had killed the beings because the damage had been caused by the disintegration. The air was mild and humid, birds and other creatures inhabited the thicket and the trees.

The two stopped in front of a high-rise, about 50-level high, which, apart from the vines on the walls and the trees on the roof, seemed completely intact.

Joan looked at her tricorder.

"What do you say, should we go in?" Markus asked, looking up from his readouts.

"The building is safe," Joan looked into the face of her widely grinning father

"Come on, my Vulcan," He took the front and went into the building through the missing windows.

"Pa, that was a little racist now," She followed him.

"It wasn’t meant to be, you just sounded like Spock," He looked around the former entrance hall.

From what they could take of the arches of the ceiling, everything had been round in form, round, just like the bar-like stone table, which seemed to have survived the time, even though he was clad with vines.

"This building consists of a steel core which is probably encased in concrete for fire protection, but also a metal is built into the walls, which has hexagonal shapes.”

"Like the honeycombs in beehives?"

"Yes, it is obviously a common behavior that intelligent species are copying from nature," He turned on his torch.

The two took the stairs to look for further reasons why the building was still so well preserved despite various weathering.

In the upper floors they encountered the first mortal remains of the former indigenous species, but after all these years they were little more than bones.

Joan was not a xenobiologist, but to her the skeletons looked similar to those of mammals on Earth. With a few differences, of course, but posture and walk could have been easily like that of humans, even though their skulls showed strange excrescences. But it was not Joan's job to examine these creatures, so she turned back to the building.

"Any idea what this building could have had for a purpose?" Markus asked.

"I have a guess. The distribution of the rooms and the large number of deaths as well as the remains of the furniture indicate that this might have been a kind of hospital. "

The furniture seemed to be mainly made of a kind of plastic, which needed a long time to rot, and here in the core of the building was not enough light for plants, so the rooms seemed to be still quite similar to their original condition. In the central core of the building was a spiral staircase, which seemed to enclose a kind of elevator shaft.

The two decided to go up to the roof, even if it would cost a lot of effort to do so.

On the roof grew trees, which had not reached high due to the lack of nutrients. The roof was spacious and there was something on it that seemed to be a separate building.

The view was exhilarating. The hospital was not the tallest building in the area, but one of the larger ones and the view was better than from the landing field. Looking around, Joan couldn’t help but feel wonder and, despite the destruction, amazement.

"I believe the stable construction supports my theory. You do not want the hospital to give in for a light earthquake. "

"Right. Now look at this, Jo,” Joan's father stood by a small house with a flat roof, that had been build on to of the hospital-roof, "According to the concrete used, this building was later erected as the building on which we stand. It is also completely different from the construction method and has only one floor. "

He ran his hand over the plaster and touched one of the plants tenderly, the leaves trembled, and the movement seemed to pass through the sprout axes and spread out in waves.

Carefully he entered the extra building through a round, door-like opening.

"Look at this,” he said.

Round windows pointed towards the city, an apparatus looking like a circuit diagram was built up, hundreds of plastic tubes connecting everything. Nevertheless, nature had spread here too, the ground was strewn with roots that had rattled in cracks.

Joan just peered through the door, then shrugged.

"You better come out. As we said: Not. Completely. Stable."

"Yes, on my way.."

He moved toward the exit and took a few more scans when he caught his foot on one of the roots. He shook his leg out of reflex to get rid of it, but this strong pull moved through the roots into the walls that began to crumble. Dust dripped from the ceiling. The plants seemed to amplify the vibrations unbelievably strongly, letting them echo again and again. A peculiarity of this world.

Precious seconds passed by before he had finally freed his foot and fled towards the exit. On the threshold he caught on again and fell to the ground. It was too late, the roof of the additional building broke and collapsed with a loud row.

Frightened, Joan had jumped back. Her father had found place under a steel beam and the two were wrapped in dust.

"Oh, shit." Joan fell to her knees before him to take a closer look on the situation.

The dust had settled quickly, and she spotted the extent. The beam was thick and looked heavy.

"Hey, mouse," he breathed with a forced grin.

Markus's face was unharmed except for a small laceration. Up to his chest he was covered in rubble. Except for the beam, who held him captive, but did not rest upon him with his full weight, it was only 'light rubble'; Stones and concrete from the masonry and roofing.

"Where does it hurt?" Joan asked.

"What are you doing" He countered, and Joan watched him grow paler.

She sighed, "You're in a shock. Again, where does it hurt? "

"Abdomen."

"Where is your com?"

"Belt."

But the belt was buried under the rubble. And if she moved the debris, more could follow.

Joan had to force herself not to panic, had to tell herself to stay calm, again and again, but her hands were already trembling.

"Go, leave. Who knows what triggered the vibration? Surely, you'll find another team that can call the Enterprise to catch the signature of my com and beam me up. "

"I won’t leave you alone!", Joan cried out in despair and tried to somehow lift the steel beam with a metal bar.

"Damn it, it's better if you try to bolt."

Joan looked up to the gigantic heap of rubble and debris. Her father was buried up to his chest under the pile.

"Damn, I should have been a doctor, as Mama always said."

"No. It wouldn’t change a thing." Markus spoke softly, breathing shallow.

"I'd think of something," Joan said, messing up her hair.  She began to move the debris from her father despite the danger of more rubble. She knew, if she’d run down the stairs and tried to find someone else in this huge city, it would certainly take longer. She was terrified, her hands trembled, the blood rushing in her ears. She had removed the last chunk and dug herself under the steel beam, and after about ten minutes of strategic digging she had pulled the Communicator out of the dust.

A moan of her father made her turn her head. She had increased the weight of the steel carrier by removing the substructure material.

To her relief, the Communicator still worked, he had been exposed to the least force.

"Weiss on Enterprise. Medical emergency."

"Prepare for transport," Uhura ordered.

No, shot through her head. "Wait! He might have internal bleeding, if you beam him, the blood can flow unhindered, now it’s still under pressure. "

"I'll give you McCoy," Uhura said, forwarding Joan.

Fuck, she thought.

"Joan, explain the situation," McCoy's voice came from the communicator.

"My father is caught a thick steel beam, he complains about pain in his abdomen, I can’t see anything else. Besides that, he seems to have a shock. "

"I think I have to throw up," muttered Markus.

"Prevent this, it can aggravate the condition," the doctor said sternly. "Can you scan his abdomen somehow?"

"No, he's buried up to his chest."

"Okay, it still seems that your feeling proves to be right. I'm preparing everything up here, keep him awake for two more minutes."

You could already hear him working away.

Joan put the Com to the side, but let it stay activated.

"Pa. I have a question.What do we really want to do when we are back on earth?"

"Oh, Joan, not now.."

"Come on, tell me!"

"I would go to Russia with you and your grandpa, what Chekov tells sounds fabulous. I would like to see that with my own eyes."

"Sounds good. But Russia is big, where would you want to go first?"

"To see the endless forests of Siberia, maybe see some wild bears ..."

He turned quieter and seemed to fall asleep.

"Hey, hey, hey. Come on, stay with me." She put her hand on his shoulder.

"No, I’d like to sleep, little one."

"Leonard, do something, he’s drifting away."

"Damn, be ready for transport."

***

After about four hours of waiting in her room and a half-hour second checkup, which was standard after missions on foreign worlds, McCoy ordered Joan into the intensive care unit of med-bay.

Markus was still asleep.

"Thanks to you, he's going to be fine. Seriously, if we would have beamed him up right away, he had died, because the preparation for such a procedure would have taken too long. You did good, you could have taken a medical profession," he said.

"Maybe in another life," Joan actually had to smile, because somehow she could imagine herself in this profession.

@commandersaru

[animeniac]

Starbomb Ch. 4

Fandom: BNHA Pairing: Bakugou x Uraraka Genre: Romance and Comedy probably Chapter Summary: Bakugou and Uraraka start talking outside of class and happen to work out together. She learns to handle his explosive personality, and he discovers greater depths to her resilience. (See Chapter 1 for story summary.)

A/N: I think I’m getting good feedback. However, I hate posting stuff here because of the interface so I might slow down. -_- The people here are really nice, though. Thank you for reading.

[AO3][FFnet] Content Warning: Non-graphic and brief chikan scene.  

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII

Sometime before dinner one evening, Midoriya encountered Asui Tsuyu right outside the main building of the campus. She happened to be his partner for the sensitivity assignment.

What was interesting about Asui to him was the fact that no matter how nervous he became, she would react with her consistently stoic facial expression. Something about her insanely even temper put him at ease and brought him to a maintainable level of composure - almost. Would she be a good person to listen to his turmoil? Often, she said whatever came to mind, and so, she would at least be honest.

Before pouring out the circumstances in their entirety to her, he needed to recount what was appropriate for him to share.

"Midoriya?" she asked, and when he looked up, she continued, "I said that we should meet up tomorrow after class, ribbit."

"Oh, right, sure, Asui - I mean, Tsu. I was just thinking about everything that happened with Kacchan and Uraraka the other. It was pretty crazy, right?" Midoriya mentioned as casually as he could.

Asui tilted her head and asked, "Is that weird for you?"

He tried to look into her unchanging eyes and gulped, "I-I guess. I didn't think he'd ever be interested in a girl - especially like Uraraka."

She replied, "How do you feel about Uraraka?"

What? Where did that come from? Midoriya was unsure of how his feelings related to the topic at hand. Of course, he blushed, but he couldn't tell if that burst of emotions matched the general flutter of his reaction to other people. Oddly enough, he had yet to give much thought to how he felt about Uraraka. He knew her to be energetic and adorable and someone he could trust. However, after witnessing the fervor in Bakugou's eyes, he couldn't say his admiration could ever compare.

Uraraka and Iida were both his precious friends, too. He wouldn't want to jeopardize their dynamics for curiosity's sake. Or, was this more than just a simple curiosity?

Still smiling, Asui said, "You're already over thinking it, ribbit."

"Ah!" exclaimed Midoriya. "Sorry, I was just thinking about how Kacchan might feel about her."

"But, I asked how you feel about her."

Asui wasn't the first person that day to ask about his feelings for Uraraka. Iida implied that the romantic feelings might already be there. He got stuck in his train of thought yet again and put his fingers to his chin. "Uh," stammered Midoriya, "she's really fun to be around. I feel light-hearted whenever I'm with her, and she's always been there for me, too. I don't know what I'd do without her."

The fact of the matter was - Asui herself was not experienced enough with relationships to understand what it meant to have romantic feelings for someone. People of their class said that Midoriya and Uraraka loved each other, but if she were honest, she thought that was what they wanted to see as opposed to the truth.

Then, she had already heard the rumors that Uraraka had feelings for him. For her sake, she hoped that Midoriya reciprocated those feelings.

"If the feelings you have for her are unique, then you should tell her how you feel, ribbit," added Asui as she assumed that Uraraka would be satisfied with any level of adulation from Midoriya.

Midoriya scratched the back of his head and nervously chuckled, "Really? Well, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I guess I need to figure out how I feel about her first, then, right?" He saw all his friendships as unique. In general, he had a lot of difficulties talking to girls. However, sometimes he could easily share his feelings and thoughts with Uraraka. He had gotten accustomed to being with her. She had cut through his boundaries like butter with her bright smile and attitude.

However, that night, Asui did the same - only she armed herself with a blunt attitude and fixed curved mouth.

They talked for at least an hour. Midoriya's stammering and occasional stutters became less frequent as time passed. For the most part, they discussed the past events of class and exams. Maybe they mentioned stories about their past and future goals. Then by habit, perhaps, his mind jumped back to Bakugou's exhilarated smile after he found out Uraraka was his partner. "Do you believe in things like fate?"

"Sometimes we see the right things at the right time, and from there, we should follow our guts."

That idea would not leave his head for the next few days.

Midoriya excused himself, "Oh, I just remembered - I was supposed to meet someone somewhere! We'll talk later." He neglected to tell Asui that he planned to meet Uraraka. Perhaps, he did this to prevent her from over analyzing his relationship with his friend before he did. 

A few days after they met Kotone, Bakugou visited the gymnasium for a late afternoon workout before dinner. Uraraka was the only other person in the room when he entered. She listened to some pop song through her headphones as she continued her endurance run on a treadmill in the corner, so she probably didn't sense him enter. Although he had no reason to interact with her, he smirked at this chance encounter.

On most days and with most people, he would have completely ignored them and began his workout regimen. How could he? Her sweat upon her glistening skin caused a glare in the corner of his eye and distracted him. His big mouth allowed whatever surfaced to escape. "Where's your nerd?" he asked. His question had fallen upon deaf ears.

To selfishly pull her attention from her goal would have been sinful, but Bakugou specialized in sin. He approached her bubble, and when he neared the machine from the front, he suddenly halted to observe the intensity of her brow as she stared at the mirrored wall in front of her.

Bakugou jumped.

Fearless ferocity radiated from Uraraka's brown stare as the speed on the treadmill gradually increased by the second. For the first time in regards to anyone outside of battle, he thought - what is this person thinking? Was she running away? No, she chased something that wasn't physically there, but the way her fixated eyes stayed in place, her goal certainly lied on the horizon.

Then, she gasped when she noticed someone in the room. Her train of thought broken, she fell backward onto the floor. Unfortunately, Midoriya was not the guest that had appeared next to her. Regardless she smiled and carefully rubbed her sore bottom. Shame on her for letting her guard down to that level. "Oh, hey, Bakugou," greeted the girl as she got to her feet and dusted herself. Noticing his equally black and tanky tank top, she exclaimed, "We're wearing the same sweats! I guess we're fashion buddies."

Flowers had spouted in mid air around her face before Bakugou barked, "Fuck that! Black is my color. Start wearing something else."

"But, our costume designer is this same person, too, so you're gonna be trapped as my fashion buddy for a while."

Bakugou's eyebrow twitched in response, for he had no words to spit back at her.

Checking her phone, she realized just how much time had passed. She'd been training for nearly an hour! Midoriya said he'd be there around that time. However, maybe his absence benefited her, for she had a productive workout thus far. Again, she had to remind herself not to let Midoriya distract her from her goal. Instead, she wanted to only allow him into her thoughts when he motivated her.

Wait, was Bakugou ranting about something, or was he completely silent? She turned off the music to from her phone and beamed up at her project partner.

He wanted her to cut that smiling shit out, but he knew there was nothing he could do to stop her. "If you're going to be this fucking needy, then I might as well stick around. You can't talk about Deku, though," he complained as he jumped onto the only treadmill next to hers.

How did she seem needy? She glanced at the mirror behind her and blinked. In fact, she would have left if Bakugou hadn't shown up. Maybe she could get to know him a little better.

Taking a seat at a weight machine, Uraraka pulled down the lever and started reps to lift about 20 kilograms. "You're really strong and combative, you know," she began with a compliment as her fascinated gaze wandered to his sizable triceps and biceps. He would totally beat her in an arm wrestling contest. Most of her male friends could probably obliterate her based on their comparative muscle mass alone. That's puberty, though.

Every other aspect of her fighting style needed to be perfect if she wanted to climb the ladder to success and financial security.

She sighed and continued with a small frown, "Hand-to-hand combat and raw strength are still some of my weak points, but I think I'm gettin' a little better. I have a long way to go, though. If I ever want to be taken seriously as a pro, then I gotta try a lot harder."

"You're still lifting 20 kilograms?" Bakugou genuinely asked an easily condescending question in a flat tone. To increase the intensity of his workout, he bumped up the speed past his typical starting number.

He had been staring at her since he entered the room. When she had moved behind him, he watched her reflection gracefully leaned forward to lift the weights behind her. Her breathing - frequent yet controlled - pushed her chest out and retracted it as she spoke. Iridescent sweat still painted her pale skin and caught the fluorescent lighting in the room. Carelessly, he had voiced an observation.

"Oh," Uraraka laughed with a flustered blush on her cheeks and adjusted the weight to double it. "I guess I'm kinda tired now. I can do a lot more than this - especially if I lift stuff with my quirk. Let's do our best, Bakugou!" They could work well together.

She felt like she could handle the weight she added despite her fatigue.

This light-hearted, casual atmosphere unsettled Bakugou. He wanted to avoid feeling helpless like he did on that train a few days ago. If Bakugou allowed this to continue, he would say words that he never thought he would say to anyone. "If you want to learn how to be anywhere close to my level, then you should train with me."

Uraraka gasped then nodded, "Really? Sure!"

Wait, he said that out loud? Turning around, Bakugou snarled and widened his bloodshot eyes. He spat, "Shut up!"

"Bakugou," she whined at his dogged rejection.

The door slowly opened, and Midoriya stepped into the room. He apologized, "Sorry, Uraraka. I stopped to talk to Asui about our project on the way here."

Uraraka's heart leaped as she smiled and shook her head. "It's okay. I haven't been here for that long," she lied. Why did she say that?

If Bakugou hadn't have said something stupid moments before Midoriya walked into the gym, he would have probably begun some kind of confrontation. However, embarrassed by his own words, he stopped the treadmill and stormed out of the room with an empty feeling of loss. He saw the opportunity to flee as the only way to save face.

Uraraka noticed how Bakugou didn't say anything to her on the train the next day. By looking at his resting frown, she couldn't decipher if he was upset after her eagerness to spar with him or because Midoriya entered. Did she say the wrong thing? She wanted to get along with him.

This train trip, she decided to face him if she thought of something to discuss. Maybe she could talk about Kirishima or school or fighting. Then, maybe one day, she could bridge the gap between him and Midoriya. Maybe their project inspired hope in her that he had a soft interior beneath his volatile personality. That possibility intrigued her as she looked up at his permanent glower. Was he lonely?

She certainly didn't want to go as far as to project emotions with that level of depth onto him. After all, he was definitely mean and belligerent for most of his interactions. However, the wall that he had around him was as vicious as an injured animal's hiss. Facetiously and persistently, she wanted to prod against it until something interesting happened.

The marriage proposal could have been him trying to avoid eternal damnation under the guise of an advantageous legal agreement. As soon the thought entered Uraraka's mind, she had to at least ask, "Why," she began but could not finish.

The sudden squeak of a noise snapped Bakugou's attention towards Uraraka. He instantly sensed the terror that piqued in her lustrous eyes. From their proximity, he could hear her tremble as she slowly lowered her head to stare at the ground. Time stopped as he analyzed the situation between his tumultuous heart beat. For a fraction of a second, her soft whimper reached his ears. That was fear, but if she didn't fear him, then who?

Over her shoulder, he spotted an arm angled in a way that ended near the rear of her skirt and began at the shoulder of some indiscriminate salary man. His appearance didn't matter, for, within moments, he would be dead. Bakugou slowly reached for the balding man's preoccupied face. Up until that day, he had never killed a man, but he swore that the forces of the heavens could not hold him back.

Then, Bakugou noticed Uraraka's eyes sharpen with an acerbic intensity that sliced through his plan.

"That's disgusting," she casually complained without a hint of fear in her voice. "It'd be bad if you touched a defenseless girl like that! Luckily, I'm not defenseless." Grabbing his arm, she turned around and forced his wrists together. Of course, she could overpower him.

Suddenly, Bakugou dug his free hand back into his pocket.

"Could you call the cops while I have him?" requested Uraraka.

Bakugou growled, "Call the cops? I'll just blast him." How could she not feel the same rage that he did?

"You can't do that on a train! We don't even have a license."

Who gave a shit about licenses at a time like that? He wanted revenge.

They could have gone back and forth all day over how to handle the situation with their respective styles of justice, but fortunately, a security guard escorted the offender off the train at the next stop. He thanked her for handling the situation professionally and properly before he left.

As soon as the culprit departed, Bakugou wanted to continue their argument. That was until he noticed Uraraka's reddened pout as he radiant tears welled up in the corners of her eyes. She still trembled. She almost whimpered. She was still stunned. While he would have criticized her further, he didn't want her to think that he had invested in the emotions of the incident.

Instead, he could only ground his teeth in silence as he cursed the missed opportunity under his fiery breath. "Shit," he scolded. Was she stupid? He would have handled him and then she wouldn't be crying over that asshole. That fierce look in her eyes must have been empty.

No, that wasn't false bravery. Bakugou couldn't revoke her courage. She managed to apprehend her offender after all that. Adeptly and successfully, she had saved herself and left Bakugou forever thirsting for vengeance.

His hand twitched.

Without a doubt, if anyone put their lecherous hands on her again, no one would be able to hold him back from blowing their head clean off of their bodies.

After a quiet evening of homework and video games with Kotone, Bakugou noticed Uraraka's spirit bounce back like a spring. The stress in her reddened face had long since faded and a bright smile replaced any lingering distress.

On the train that night, as they went through a tunnel, she hopped over to Bakugou's side and sat centimeters away from him.

Simple and addictive like bubble wrap, she enjoyed pressing Bakugou's numerous buttons. Since he had yet to kill her, maybe that meant she could continue.

Recalling Bakugou's wild, red eyes from earlier that day, Uraraka wondered if he wanted to save her. While she initially failed to believe her vision, she brushed away her denial and began to realize that he wanted to kill that man. There was more in his eyes - fear, possibly. Open, dilated eyes of terror behind his glare. Albeit faint, she noticed the notion as soon as she glanced at the assailant.

"No, you, get the fuck back to the other side," Bakugou scolded as he pointed to the place she had originally sat.

Instead of obeying him, she only giggled - genuinely and playfully, "Oh, Bakugou."

How sick. Bakugou wondered if this buddy-buddy stuff was a game for Uraraka. She must have known how effortlessly she could knock him off balance and disrupt his tightly-wound world like her personal lot of firecrackers.

He jumped up and walked over to the other side instead of waiting for her to do so. This coy, cutesy act annoyed him. He wanted her to be angry or afraid of him. In an attempt to look away, he turned to stare out the windows of the train. "You're annoying," he lamented aloud as he narrowed his eyes. Before a few weeks ago, they hadn't interacted, and suddenly, she talked to him like they had been friends for the past year.

Sticking her tongue out, she nodded, "I don't get you, either, but that's okay. I can try." Pressing the back of her finger to her chin, she pondered his personality. "Hmm, you're pretty heroic, Bakugou. You're kinda a rough and tough guy. And, even though you're violent, you wanna use your powers for good. We might have different outlooks, but I hope we can be friends."

She believed that. Maybe part of her wanted to show off her strength. If she had been with Midoriya, would she have been as strong? Or would she have relied on him to save her?

"Another one of those stupid analyses?" thought Bakugou. He resented her attempt to placate and read him. "Friends? I already told you that we're going to get married," he groaned.

In that peaceable moment, he just impulsively cut through the calm atmosphere with his selfish intentions. Uraraka frowned and mumbled, "Bakugou." Right, his pride in becoming her partner and the fact that he paid her any attention at all was so that his future children could inherit both of their abilities.

"What? Did you forget? Did you think we were on a fucking date or something?" he snarled as he spoke. "The only reason I gave a shit about that pervert was so that he and everybody else knows that nobody touches what's mine." When he glanced back over at her, he expected tears or distress and hopefully a glimmer of panic in her wavering demeanor. In fact, he would have preferred fear or tears over the placid and intrigued smile that caught his eye.

Maybe her exhaustion muddled her judgment, or maybe she was too much of an optimist, but Uraraka suddenly didn't buy the tough guy act anymore. Besides, his words couldn't affect her too much when her heart belonged to Midoriya. "Yeah, okay, Bakugou," she yawned and stretched. Rule number one in Bakugology: disregard his claims of detachment or anything he says for that matter.

When she fell asleep, Bakugou was at a loss for the second time that day. For a time, he watched her softly inhale and exhale. Her mesmerizing rhythm hypnotized him into a drowsy state.

He could imagine himself approaching her and caressing the perfect, round edge of her cherubic cheeks. He contemplated whether or not she would feel as soft as she appeared. Mochi cheeks. The sweet aroma of her hair would probably complement its silky texture. Her soft snores caused the corners of his mouth to twitch, and once he realized the sensation, he averted his stare elsewhere.

The doors opened at their stop, and he got to his feet and back to reality. Easily, he could have and probably should have left her on the train by herself for facetiously snickering and smirking at him for most of that day. She deserved it.

But no, her parted lips and sprawled body gave off a vulnerability - the same vision that plagued him - that would attract others to attack her. Or worse. He kicked the seat beneath her and cursed, "Oi! Get the hell up before I murder you."

She wiped her eyes and looked up at Bakugou, "Okay. Wait for me, will ya'?"

"No." He walked towards the automatic doors with his backpack in his hands.

Uraraka whined, "Bakugou!" She hurriedly grabbed her belongings and ran out the doors after him. He woke her up so that she wouldn't be alone, didn't he?

[kindcstguardian]

MISC.

NAME. (くるす あきら)  Kurusu Akira. CODE NAME. Joker. ARCANA. The Fool. DATE OF BIRTH.  ( Star sign:  ). SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Bisexual demiromantic. LANGUAGES. Japanese &&. English. BLOOD TYPE. AB - HEIGHT.  175cm. WEIGHT.  kg.

VERSES.

Main verse. TAG.「 V ❥ ᴍᴀɪɴ ; Akira ／ᵃ ᵐᵒⁿᵒᶜʰʳᵒᵐᵉ ʷᵒʳˡᵈ ᵖʳᵒᵛᵉˢ ᵗᵒ ᵍᵒ ᵇᵉʸᵒⁿᵈ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵉᵉᵗˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵉʸᵉ 」    Takes place at any point in the game depending on thread.

Pre-game verse. TAG.  「 V  ❥ ᴘʀᴇ ; Akira ／ 」     Before he was framed for acting accordingly to the situation, Akira lived a tranquil if not boring life with little to no friendships in his hometown.

Post-game verse. TAG.  「 V  ❥ ᴘᴏsᴛ ; Akira ／ ᵀʰᵉ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ⁱⁿᶜʳᵉᵃˢᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵘᵗᵘʳᵉ ʳᵉᶜᵉᵈᵉˢ· ᴾᵒˢˢⁱᵇⁱˡⁱᵗⁱᵉˢ ᵈᵉᶜʳᵉᵃˢⁱⁿᵍ ʳᵉᵍʳᵉᵗˢ ᵐᵒᵘⁿᵗⁱⁿᵍ」    Time to bid his farewells, he ought to return home though what is home when he was  already  there? A new family that he had formed in this new enviroment that no longer was strange neither unknown — he had figured out both sides, dark and light. People, those with a good heart from the start that were willing to risk it all for a delinquent, the ones that didn’t judge him for actions he hadn’t commited in a rotten world whereas adult with wicked minds had been formely in charge. Yes, he will miss them all but he still gets to keep in touch and travel during long weekends thought it isn’t the same as before.

BNHA. TAG. 「 V   ❥ BNHA ; Akira ／ 」   Quirk.  Mirage:  by touching someone, Akira will be able to copy their physical appearance and keep it up for about a day and a half  ( this includes, reverting to himself back and forth ); however, if he wants to copy their quirk as well, he needs to consume something that contains the DNA  ( i.e. hair, body fluids, etc. )     in this case, he can only have  two quirks active at once  ( three counting his ), these last half an hour at most.                              Pushing himself beyond his limits will cause the quirks  to merge  and he would be unable to use them at all without hurting himself, hence why it depends greatly on which quirks he has in hand and  if  they are worth using together  ( i.e. ice-hot count as two already + explosion making it three: making dry ice and related to that ).                              The downside of using his quirk to its full potential  ( keeping someone’s appearance plus their quirk )  is that he really  can’t  break his concentration at all, constantly pushing mental barriers about acting on instinct while also recalling where a quirk ends and when another starts or it will all come appart, making him drop unconscious in the act.                               His quirk is extremely stressing to use at full,  therefore Akira usually chooses to either sharpen his observation and deduction skills by people-watching and taking both mental and actual notes for the copy their physical appearance; or... collect, ask on some cases, hair and keep it in a tiny handmade book filled with punched pockets with a zipper to always carry around. Just in case. School.   Not much changes from his background, the ravenette still bitter about how a majority of adults are corrupted as ever and will use their quirk if   their oh so fragile ego feels   threatened even though it’s against the law; honestly even though heroes are everywhere and exceed the quota, they literally  can’t be  everywhere at the same time. Nevertheless, being accepted in U.A. when such thing happened to him and forever appears in his files? What a jest.   Though he was surprised that a hero academy accepted him to begin with, already loving Ketsubutsu Academy. Some small headcanons. x The reason he wanted to become a hero is because  Hawks  saved him when he was twelve years old, his vague grasp of age and maturity made him feel like Hawks was an extremely cool adult, unlike his teachers who blatantly ignored the system and even picked on quirkless kids  going as far as to crush their dreams  ( so what if it was true?  That they could not be heroes, but they were kids.  Dreaming  was something they were supposed to do, not be crushed by reality. It would eventually wear off rather than leave a big invisible scar, wasn’t the bullying enough? ).    Plus, the more he learnt about the flying hero who patted his head followed by some inspiring words and a bird-related joke, the more Akira’s admiration grew: that man already had his agency and was a ranked high in the list right after his debut?  Maybe there was hope, there was something about Hawks that was so different to other heroes, he seemed to dislike fame, he wasn’t as loud as All Might or Endeavor but he didn’t pass as an underground or behind-the-scenes hero either. It was a mystery that, as a fan, he wanted to uncover despite being aware he could never. x His childhood friend actually came with the idea of his hero name being  Joker  and more card games related names for his attacks.

 My Candy Love / Amour Sucre. TAG. 「 V  ♡ MCL ; Akira ／ ʷᵃⁿᵈᵉʳⁱⁿᵍ ʷⁱᵗʰᵒᵘᵗ ᵃ ʳᵉˢᵖᵒⁿˢᵉ ᵇᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵉᶜʰᵒᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵗᵇᵉᵃᵗ ᵍᵘⁱᵈᵉˢ ᵐᵉ」    Sweet Amorris, quite the peculiar place in an extreme and unnecesary saturation of pink coloring the institution. Not to mention, right across the other side of the world in Paris, France — not that he minds the opportunity to futher expand his horizons. Though, he’d have been grateful if his parents were with him here rather than learning how to survive on his own.    He’s grateful of Daniel, though, a man who hired him as part-time worker and let him sleep in his office  ( who has a bed there? Apparently, bakers due waking up at five in the morning and closing for three hours in which they took a power-nap ).

Doki doki literature club.   TAG. 「 V • DDL ; Akira ／」    What’s the purpose of joining a club when the best one is  — clearly, without question —  the going-home-club? To review what he has done in classes at his own pace or proceed to study beyond, reading the textbooks and doing its exercises, looking for missing information in his phone or a library if he wanted that background noise and the need of other’s presence.    Still, he found himself being dragged into the Literature Club. It’s not like he ever raised a pen for poetry, perhaps, vague memories surfacing in his mind when he thought he could have a talent of sorts but it’s long dead by now. Still, the ravenette decided to consider it and is a not-official member.

Ephemeral: residents of the dark.   TAG. 「 V • ; Akira ／」   Trickster, that class of creature situates itself within the twenty more powerful ones. With habilities similar to a shape-shifter but also a contract demon, they are truly  the joker  — a wildcard — of monsters.   Along Chloé, the new zombie student, Akira finds himself as puzzled and lost as her.

Ouran High School Host Club.   TAG. 「 V • ᴏʜsʜᴄ ; Akira ／」    Takes place a year  after  the events of P5.    Akira ended up in a different school from his hometown given the few connections he previously had of what he could call friends or nice acquaintances didn’t bat an eye at him. Which is why, he entered Ouran High School through a scholarship due not wishing to spent the money he has from beating shadows back at Mementos go to ‘waste’  neither  spent his last year of highschool surrounded by those who judge rather than attempt to find the truth.    Because of his background history, the institution was not fond of the idea but he did display a high level of intelligence, strategy and physical strenght enough to make their mind change ever so slightly.    Once he managed to enter, Akira still uses his glasses despite not being needed to fix his eyes but to cover his ‘neutral and scary expression’ and actually joined the Host Club under the delinquent persona that, oddly, sells quite a lot. Initially, many females were intimidated but found him utterly charming and returned to ask for him.

Yan Sim / Lovesick.  TAG. 「 V •  ; Akira ／」   Takes place a year  after the events of P5.    Delinquents were, apparently, quite the normal sight within Akademi High despite being a prestigious institution with brillaint students already making connection with the world to guarantee a future within the industries. Turns out, that Akira was accepted without further care in his background  ( after all, there were Aishi students too, and from the information he could gather — they were no better ). Without joining a club in particular, Akira is trying to live quietly until, perhaps, something were to take place and caught his interest to intervene...

Big Hero 6. TAG. 「 V •  ; Akira ／」    Takes place two years  after the events of P5.     Having just graduated from highschool, Akira is puzzled at what he wishes to become in his future while he still keeps in touch with his friends and former Phantom Thieves, he still isn’t sure of what he wants to do. Thus, he mostly takes a part-time job in a café in San Fransokyo.

Inuyasha / Feudal Era. TAG. 「 V •  ; Akira ／」    Born from a human and a demon, Akira is yet another victim of judgemental stares and hatered due being a hanyo, an hybrid: humans  fear  his demonic heritance whereas demon hate his human side, seeing him as lower than dirt.    Still, he stopped minding that and lives peacefully — only those from his village know what he is, whereas visitors or if he travels, it’s impossible to tell he is any different unless in combat or if he feels threatened. Whilst demons can smell his scent and pinpoint that he  isn’t  normal.

Eldarya / Fantasy. TAG. 「 V •  ; Akira ／」    After a month of the events that took place, Akira feels that he is being followed in his hometown and when he subtly turns around, he is, indeed, being followed but what caught his attention had to be — that it  wasn’t  a human that was after him, but some sort of creature he could swear was a shadow.     Unbeknown to him, that was only part of the plan  ( and the trap waiting for him )  due the ravenette decided to run off towards a place where others wouldn’t be hurt while feeling that thing chasing after him — that’s where he landed in the circle of witches and was dragged into a world, an alternative dimension, co-existing with Earth. He, too, realized he was with his Joker attire.    Without a clue on what took place, Akira decided to investigate and joined the Garde L’Ombre, to know beyond what was labelled as public knowledge for his sake and to help here as much as he could. If he was going to be stuck for an unknown amount of time, it was better to help rather than cross his arms. Currently, he lives in the headquarters of the Garde.

Royalty. TAG. 「 V •  ; Akira ／」    Born into a poor family, his best choice was either to join into knighthood for the good pay and climb his way up until reaching a commander point or become part of the royal staff — he chose the latter and currently mantains the highest position within servants and is both respected and feared by fellow personal.

TITLE. TAG. 「 V • ; Akira ／」 TBA.

TAGS.

「 Akira Kurusu ／ 𝙹𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚛 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ MUSINGS 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ INQUIRY 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ VISAGE 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ MANNERISMS 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ ROMANCE 」

「 Akira Kurusu ／ CRACK 」

「 𝙿𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚘𝚖   𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚜／ VISAGE 」

✘· Haru Okumura ♡（ˢʰᵉ ⁱⁿˢᵗⁱˡˡˢ ᵍʳᵃᶜᵉ ⁱⁿ ᶜᵒᵐᵐᵒⁿ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍˢ&ᵈⁱᵛⁱⁿⁱᵗʸ ⁱⁿ ᶜᵃʳᵉˡᵉˢˢ ᵍᵉˢᵗᵘʳᵉˢ·ᵐʸ ʰᵉᵃʳᵗ'ˢ ᶜᵒⁿˢᵘᵐᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ʰᵉʳ）

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 138, January 2019

Developing any new routine or habit takes a considerable amount of time and patience. It doesn’t matter whether you have a mental illness and a disability or not, it’s just simply not going to instantly happen. And this is the logic I have to follow when it comes to building a new routine for myself when it comes to household cleaning tasks and cooking meals at home.

There’s a lot of preparation involved with both of these things plus finding the effort and motivation to physically complete them. But fortunately my occupational therapist Ambika has put together a rough daily schedule to put aside time to do just that. Plus I’ve also got my parents for support when it comes to which cleaning products I need to use and what ingredients I need to buy. So it’s not as daunting as it seems on the surface.

On Monday afternoon, I had an appointment with my occupational therapist Ambika from Everyday Independence. Today I had my first cooking trial and I decided to make Spaghetti Bolognese as it was one of the simplest recipes I could think of at the time. It felt like I was on a cooking segment without the producers, drama and television cameras. Luckily I had all my ingredients stocked and recipe printed out and ready to go. https://www.taste.com.au/recipes/spaghetti-bolognese/335cceba-3913-4172-8a28-44ad7a960ef4

It was helpful to have Mum in the kitchen with me as she was a good assistant and provided some wise safety tips as I was going along like: always lifting the saucepan lid away from you when it’s on the heat and using separate bowls for cut vegetables and any scraps. I think the most difficult part for me is making it a habit to cook once a week and motivating myself to actually do it. But otherwise cooking isn’t too hard for me really. https://www.reluctantgourmet.com/basics/

On Monday night, I had my first small group HIIT class of 2019 with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. Like anything you’ve taken a break from, it’s often a struggle getting back into the swing of things but tonight there was nothing stopping this crew. It was a full house tonight and we managed to power through many reps including kettle bell squats, mountain climbers, renegade push ups, overhead presses, star jumps, bicep curls, med ball slams and V-ups.

We finished up by doing a short circuit which included Russian twists, weighted lunges and lifts, battle ropes, kettle bell swings, tricep dips, TRX rows and bicep curls and mountain climbers on synthetic grass. It was a challenging class as always (my form wasn’t the best and my legs were shaking by the end of it) but we all had a lot of fun supporting each other and getting through it together.

On Tuesday afternoon, I had a follow up appointment with my psychiatrist Dr. Ricardo Peralta at Vita Healthcare in Mount Eliza. After receiving the following text message from OPTIMIND last week (Dr. Ricardo Peralta will no longer be consulting at OPTIMIND), I started to worry about whether I’d need to seek out another psychiatrist. But fortunately the reception staff at Vita Healthcare reached out to me a few days ago and informed me that Dr. Ricardo has moved clinics and that my appointment for today was still valid. http://www.vitahealthcare.com.au/psychiatry.html

Mount Eliza is a beautiful coastal town located on the Mornington Peninsula, about 5 minutes drive from Frankston. It’s a relief to know that Dr. Ricardo hasn’t moved too far away from Patterson Lakes and it only takes me about 35-40 minutes to drive to Mount Eliza from home. It’s not very often that I drive down there and it’s always nice to explore a different area once in a while. https://www.travelvictoria.com.au/mounteliza/

Getting to the clinic on time was a stressful endeavour as I ended up cutting through the back streets of Frankston and then had to navigate unfamiliar territory in the heart of Mount Eliza. But I made it there and that’s the main thing. When I arrived, I noticed that both receptionists were super busy taking phone calls but eventually I got their attention. The waiting room was very comfortable with the walls lined with plush two-seater sofas.

I usually get really anxious leading up to the appointment itself but once I’m in that consultation room, I immediately feel more at ease. Today was probably the most relaxed I’ve ever been with Dr. Ricardo, discussing things like increasing my antidepressant medication from 10mg to 15 or 20mg (Escitalopram / Lexapro) and my stress/emotional triggers at work, the times when I get the most overwhelmed and anxious while working in a busy retail environment and still waking up around 3-4am most nights. 

It also helped that he met me halfway, literally sitting across from me in one of the armchairs. This is certainly a noticeable difference compared to most doctors who would refuse to sit in anything but an office chair behind a desk. That image of authority; I’m the doctor and you’re the patient. And his mannerisms showed that he had a down to earth, human side to him rather than the cold and clinical stereotypes often associated with psychiatrists.

It’s amazing to think that in just a few months I’ve begun to really trust and open up to Dr. Ricardo and I feel thankful that he ended up being my psychiatrist. He is very reasonable, understanding and compassionate to my needs. And he was more than happy to increase the dosage of my medication, especially in order to cope and better manage my symptoms of depression, anxiety, stress and insomnia. 10mg just isn’t quite cutting it.

On Wednesday morning, I made the mistake of increasing my antidepressant medication way too quickly. Within an hour, I was already experiencing some strong side effects such as feeling flustered and feverish in the face, light headedness and blurred vision. Luckily Mum and I were nearby First Health Medical Centre at Casey Central Shopping Centre so I could get checked out.

The receptionist was quick to put me onto the first available doctor who was Dr. David Tai Kie. I only had to wait around 5 minutes or so before he saw me. After explaining that my psychiatrist recommended the dosage increase after starting the 10mg for around 1-2 months, I wasn't prepared for all the side effects jumping straight to 20mg. Dr. Tai Kie recommended that I alternate the doses between 10mg and 20mg over the next week to allow my body to adjust to it. https://www.healthline.com/health/escitalopram-oral-tablet

The receptionist was also very helpful when it came to getting my medical records transferred from Narregate Medical Centre to First Health, as well as informing me what hours Dr. Tai Kie works should I want to see him again. Considering how average I was feeling through all of this, I couldn't have been happier with the level of service I received especially from my first visit. Highly recommend this clinic and Dr. David Tai Kie. https://www.firsthealth.net.au/our-clinics/narre-warren-south-clinic/

On Thursday morning, Mum and I visited the Wilson Botanic Park Berwick. Today I was determined to not let anything ruin my visit here so I had no appointments on and any phone calls and messages from people would have to wait (Sorry, NOT sorry). It was a beautiful partly cloudy 23 degree day so perfect conditions for a walk around. We decided to walk around the Basalt Lake track featuring a boardwalk, large volcanic rocks and a bird hide.

We managed to spot a few turtles and birds around the edges of the lake as well as on the rock deposits and tall grass. We only spent about an hour at the park but that was more than enough for both of us. They had a train ride making regular trips around the lakeside trails with many children and parents on board. I always seem to feel very peaceful and relaxed whenever I’m here, so long as my phone doesn’t become a huge distraction!

On Thursday night, I went to an RPM class with Nicky at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. I was feeling so tired this afternoon that I literally dozed off in bed and then freaked myself out a little when I woke up and saw that the time was 4:50 PM. I had to put the air conditioner on high in my car just to keep myself alert driving to Casey RACE. Luckily I managed to arrive there safely and on time for my class. https://www.caseyrace.ymca.org.au/gym/group-fitness

Our instructor Nicky was certainly interesting to say the least. From her dreadful, croaky singing voice to her wild yelling and crazy, infectious enthusiasm, she was far from boring and made the class more exciting. She selected a diverse mixture of older tracks including: Good Time by Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen (RPM 58), Ugly Heart by G.R.L. (RPM 66), Kings and Queens by Thirty Seconds To Mars (RPM 53) and Kick Start My Heart by Motley Crue (RPM 39). http://www.totallylesmills.com/site/rpm

Considering how sleepy and exhausted I’ve been feeling today, I still managed to put in a decent effort today with my workout, hitting an average range of 60-70 RPM and a maximum of 128 RPM. I burned around 348 calories and cycled a total distance of around 18.5 km. https://lesmills.com.au/rpm

On Friday morning, I had an appointment with my Speech Pathologist Amon from Everyday Independence. Once again, I was getting myself really nervous and worked up for no reason at all. I turned the radio on because dealing with dead pan silence is absolutely excruciating and uncomfortable for me. Plus having background music tends to put my nerves at ease. I guess it’s just that feeling of “not knowing” that gets me so worked up because I like to be prepared.

Today we worked on some strategies that can be used to achieve my goals: making new friendships, feeling more confident in social situations and spending more time hanging out with friends. A lot of it was quite hypothetical which is something I find challenging, thinking on my feet and without structure. But it felt good knowing that I came up with a plan going forward with conversation starters, how to interact with other people, what to say and making conversations flow better.

On Friday night, I did my first Restorative/Yin yoga class with Dani Iacovelli at Soul Flame Yoga in Beaconsfield. I think one of my biggest challenges from last year was my reluctance to embrace change and it's the reason why I quickly turned away from Soul Flame Yoga. After practicing yoga at this studio under the name "Just Be Yoga & Meditation" for over 8 years, it came as a rude shock when the studio name suddenly got changed. I couldn't handle it. It wasn't the same for me. And that "fight or flight" reaction took over me. I fled as fast as possible.

But now that I've had several months to process this, I'm willing to give the studio another shot this year. To be fair, something keeps drawing me back there whether it be the location in Beaconsfield, the yoga teachers and students or the studio space itself, which has recently been renovated and redecorated over the last 12 months or so. The colour scheme now includes a soft pale grey, stone grey, khaki green and eucalyptus green whilst still retaining elements of the original design such as the props area and wall unit in the reception area for personal belongings. https://www.facebook.com/pg/soulflameyoga/

Dani was very warm in her approach and immediately set me at ease. She offered the yoga class for free as technically this was my first time at Soul Flame but I was still grateful for the gesture. I have to admit that I was a little rusty on the mat tonight as it’s been a few weeks since my last proper yoga class but I quickly got into the rhythm again.

Dani gave us lots of options tonight and I decided to take many of the prop-assisted variations given how tight and inflexible my joints and muscles were feeling tonight. The poses and movements were did in tonight’s class include: Frog pose, Pigeon pose, Low Lunge, Downward Facing Dog, Lizard pose and Reclined Bound Ankle pose.

I didn’t stick around for the 45 minute meditation afterwards as I was really tired already and felt like I did enough today. I think the most important thing that I gained from tonight is that my fears and anxieties have gently evaporated. I still have a sense of belonging here which is something I’ve been wanting for years, particularly in a yoga studio. It’s often tough finding a place that you feel connected at but Soul Flame Yoga could indeed be the one. https://www.soulflameyoga.com.au/our-story/

“All this running around. Trying to cover my shadow. An ocean growing inside. All the others seem shallow. All this running around. Bearing down on my shoulders. I can hear an alarm. Must be morning. I heard about a whirlwind that's coming 'round. It's gonna carry off all that isn't bound.” Tame Impala - Let It Happen (2015)

“I was raging, it was late. In the world my demons cultivate. I felt the strangest emotion but it wasn't hate, for once. Yes I'm changing, yes I'm gone. Yes I'm older, yes I'm moving on... They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do.” Tame Impala - Yes I’m Changing (2015)