#//I tried to incorporate some of your hcs from your about pages!

[thebrawlerina]

Hello! Hope youre having a nice dayy, may I request some Draco hcs from you?

:3

MASTER OF THE STARR PARK, RULER OF THE WORLD! SAY DRACO!

Draco HC's

Draco's start at the park was actually as a member of staff in the Ruined Castle Courtyard (Ash and Grom's arena). He was one of the staff members meant to give the various arena's and park attractions more life by playing as characters/people who lived there, and Draco's role was to play a pretend knight.

He often brought his guitar along with him to work so he can play on his breaks. One day, he played a bit too loud in a not so private area, and whoops now hes got an audience. Being himself, he just continued to play and began to adlib a song about the Ruined Castle Courtyard by taking his usual talking lines and making it a song.

The park goers absolutely loved that and upper management heard about this knight-bard. They saw a lot of potential in making him a brawler since he already amassed a bit of a fan base and promoted him to being a Brawler.

He was originally supposed to stay in the Ruined Castle Courtyard and be considered part of Ash and Grom's trio, until someone had the brilliant idea to incorporate his heavy mental affinity into another location of the park.

Because of this, the park now has new lore for these places. The Mad-Evil Manor, was the reason that the Ruined Castle Courtyard looks the way it does, thus creating a new story for fans to get invested into.

Draco is extremely extroverted. He always tries to find a way and a reason to hang out with people, even they don't have any big plans to do anything.

That being said, his favorite things to do with people is anything involving music or storytelling. He loves having little jam sessions or kareoke with people, and hes actually fond of slam poetry and of silly little writing exercises. DND will always top his favorites however.

Draco has been playing Dungeons and Dragons ever since he was a little kid. He loves playing through campaigns, but finds the most amount of joy in being the dungeon master and making other people go through plot shenanigans.

He tends to be a pretty merciful DM, unless you challenge or annoy him too much, in which case he will make your character suffer while keeping everyone else somewhat safe from the retribution.

He has plenty of characters but his favorite one is a blatant self-insert thats a Bard and Barbarian multiclass. A Bardbarian if you will.

Draco is a dice fiend and he has a LOT of fun and pretty dice. Since becoming a Brawler, hes been trying to see which ones in his collection matches his Brawler friends the most. IF he doesnt have one, he'd probably buy some more.

Yes he is trying to get an official Draco dice set to be sold in the shop. Hes having some problems convincing the managers that it would be a good merch item and in trying to pick the perfect color scheme to represent himself, but by god hes gonna do it.

Draco made his original Mad-Evil costume himself. But the higher ups want him to wear something that wouldn't fall off and break in battle so they made him some fancy proper clothes based on his design. He is very stoked about that.

Draco is very proud of his long hair and its very clean despite its messy appearance. He doesn't really know how to style it though, so thats why its all flowy and loose. The most amount of styling he does for it would probably just be tying it in a low ponytail so he can get it out of his face.

Draco has several notebooks filled with cool quotes, story ideas, and little scenes which hes collected over the years and plans to use in a new story.

He plans on writing a book. But like all writers he struggles to get his ideas on a page. Hes just way better at telling a story than writing it.

Draco is pretty friendly with Poco and they like to jam sometimes and learn about each others techniques. Draco is also willing too help pick up some of the slack on the many many performances Poco has to do, which he is grateful for.

Draco was a bit upset at first that he wouldn't be in the same group as Ash or Grom, but thinks that this new deal is way better. None of them have any beef with each other so its all good.

[fatebreaking-a]

❂

// @sheriff-caitlyn / I’ve got a confession to make.  ( Ori )

=========================================================

“I admired you.”

Her eyes open slowly, not fluttering, not nervous. They simply open, as her confession opens. Simply, clearly, concisely, she begins where all stories ought to begin - the very beginning.

“When we were much younger, I admired you very much.” It was no less than a lifetime ago to the blonde woman as she perches upon a desk, feet swinging lazily. Held between her arms is the Ball, whining sadly as melancholy overtakes Orianna Reveck’s voice. The Ball is proof it is her, that despite being flesh and blood, she is that woman.

She ought to have died. 

It is not survivor’s guilt that carries this thought forward, but simple reality. A simple reality that she is here, alive - perhaps alive enough to be considered ‘well’. How does Caitlyn remember her? What does Caitlyn expect? Though melancholy threatens to flood her chest and drown her, her brow does not crease and she does not sigh. Robotic.

“When we were younger, I saw a Piltover that was plagued with problems. You may not recall... No, it is possible that the Orianna you knew was not like that. Are my expectations a burden upon you?” The question is not rhetorical. It is genuine, a genuine curiosity born of emotional blindness. The muscle memory of her emotions had been robbed from her and now she found both anger and joy hard to place. Her expressions never matched her voice, out of sync with one another. Where her voice sang with melancholy only moments ago, her tone is flat and unshifting as her expression twists instead. This is what is known as ‘baggage’, she thinks. However, when else except during a confession was one meant to speak of their baggage?

“I looked up to you.”

And as she sits there, thinking and thinking and thinking, repeating the same words again and again, she remembers what could have been. Swans dancing on stage, ballerinas twisting and twirling and perfectly in sync. That wasn’t this world anymore. But she remembers. She remembers it all, like a ghost inside her head, screaming, aching, remembering each and every time she died -

“You are. Uncomfortable. With the sight of me. It is rare for me to... find someone who is not. It is rare for me to notice discomfort. But I did notice.” ‘I’m not her’, she realizes she wants to scream, but the desire is so disjointed from her reality that she only furrows her eyebrows in thought. It was this difficult to explain that, thanks to Ekko and Janna, a hundred thousand shattered timelines scraped inside her head like rusted gears. It sounds unreasonable. It sounds unbelievable, lacking the scientific explanation that she so prefers - that she escaped the demands of fate and did not die. Is that even true. Perhaps I am just crazy.

“I apologize, my thoughts have gotten somewhat sidetracked. Nevertheless, I saw twin cities that were short of hope. You may recall that my mother perished to the Blight, the Gray of Zaun. I grew up in my father’s shop, perfecting my skill with prosthetics. My time with you was a reprieve that soothed my heart.” And normally, a woman in her early twenties saying such things would have inflection in her voice, emotion. She has nothing. Sometimes, Orianna thinks, her human body feels like a cage. She looks out at the window, staring at the horizon. Up her neck rises scarring from a lethal discharge of energy that this body has never received. The institute never existed. The Institute killed me. This is where she should sigh, where her lips ought to crease in thought, where her face ought to express what she was feeling. It does not. She does not.

“I believed in you. I still do. I suppose that is not much of a confession. You are famous now. Accomplished. There are many who look up to you now, but when you were just Caitlyn, your belief in ‘what could be’ inspired me. I thought to forsake my specialty in prosthetics and train for the force as well.” And then came the explosion, she leaves hanging.

“When I saw the suffering in Zaun, I thought of my mother. And I thought of you. What you stood for. You may not remember, I may have promised ‘another Caitlyn’, but I said to you that I would make a difference as well. I would not let you do it alone. I would support you. I believed in your dream.” Her voice cracks, for the first time in months, in years.

“I broke my promise with you. I’m very... sorry...” Tears form in the corner of her eyes and she blinks them away, taking a slow breath to even out her emotions. Does she seem fragile in that moment? Does she seem human? She cannot bring herself to look at Caitlyn and confirm it.

“When I saw the suffering in Zaun, I knew I had to go. No matter if I was called foolish or it was dangerous or I had no obligation, I had to go.” She had heard every possible beratement of her decision, and she was personally suffering the consequences. ‘Are you trying to be a hero? Do you think selfless acts mean anything in this city?’ All that and more. But she could not leave it up to Caitlyn. She could not leave it up to Jayce. She could not leave a better tomorrow to other people.

She had promised.

“A better tomorrow.”

And as a result, there was meant to be no more tomorrow for her. Not ever again. She was meant to be condemned to a heartless gilded cage of metal, unbreaking and unfeeling. “I will not break so easily, even in this body,” she says suddenly. Her gaze grows serious as sparks form in her eyes, glowing with purpose. She had to go, and although it was deeply painful that her multiyear stay in Zaun had separated her from her friend - one of her few friends.

Her eyes close as she reaches the end of her confession. Simply, clearly, concisely, she ends where all stories ought to end - the ending. The future was here and now, a better tomorrow was here and now.

“And I do not regret my decision. I am stronger for having known you and a better person for having had your company.

I am here, now, and I will not give up on a better future for everyone else.” She has left enough clues on the table for Sheriff Caitlyn Huxley to piece together that Orianna Reveck would not live to see it.

...And then, letting out an awkward little cough that makes her seem so very human, she continues.

“Although what I really wished to say was, ‘It is very good to see you again.’ I had a feeling that would not be acceptable, however.”

[tundrainafrica]

Hi Sav! Hope all is well! Just wanna ask, do you get writer's block once in a while? If so, how do you fight it? How do you keep yourself motivated in writing?

Omg, thank you for the ask. 

I’m honestly surprised people are pretty interested in my writing habits because I guess no one in real life actually knows me as a writer so nobody really asks about this. But yeah, the good news is I do have a set way of how I go about writing so this is a pretty easy ask to navigate.

 So to answer your questions...

Just wanna ask, do you get writer's block once in a while?

Yes. I get it all the time. Writing the first few words of the next chapters of my fics or writing the first words of the fic given a prompt is always painful. 

If so, how do you fight it?

I actually have some concrete ways which help me keep my head moving so I’ll drop these here. I can’t say it works for everyone but yeah, it might help people I guess?

I write things which I wish would happen no matter how much it doesn’t make any sense.

That’s why when I’m writing a fic, I never start at the start or what I believe the first words will be. I have a document and I write skeletons of dialogues which I want to show up, I write scenes and interactions that I want to happen. 

All of my fics started from badly written notes. Most of them usually get deleted once the fic is done so I had to unearth these. I’ll drop a sample here of my shitty notes from fics I’ve been working on and some I actually finished. You might recognize some of the prompts from fics I’ve finished already

Canon fixit: fic where Hänge pulls Levi out of the water again, helps him wake up from his coma of Levi, the world just goes back to normal. Hange figures out her feelings for Levi, lives her cottage core life waiting for Levi to wake up and Levi discuss feelings for each other. reads romeo and Juliet ( is that us?) romeo and Juliet, gets a dream did it hurt?

Rekindle: sad songs more varied than happy songs, Levi saves Hänge drowning, works multiple jobs to make ends meet

 Levihanzeke love triangle Hange is a lawyer, Levi is an illegitimate child convicted criminal in a Ponzi scheme, that's the thing about rich kids, Mikasa agrees with him, tries to save him by feeding information Philosophy Other prompts 

Soulmates AU but a love child can be born from the love of someone else. Udo is the one who knows that Levijan are together, he goes with Gaby with them to Paradis and he tells them he knows them makes Levi and Hänge analyze their relationship 

Lifetime: Levi takes up painting after the war.

Sometimes, I have interactions written out

And it becomes a matter of getting the kinks fixed and the ropes tied together. 

Like this one dialogue...

“So, Levi Ackerman and Hange Zoe…” The teacher started as she looked through what could have been her list of names. With the way she was holding it, Levi had found it difficult to sneak a peek at what’s inside. “Commander Hange Zoe and Retired Captain Levi Ackerman…” The teacher corrected, clearing her throat at that. 

“Yes, but no need for pleasantries. I mean you have been taking care of our son…” Hange spoke up and held one hand out for a hand shake, obviously trying to ease the tension in the room, or at the least the discomfort in the teacher’s face. 

“ according to your son... Shitty four eyes… and Clean freak?”

Or this one...

“Prophylactic… Contraceptive…” Hange read aloud the more unfamiliar words as she turned the box around on her fingertips. She had hoped saying them aloud with ring some bells for her researcher mind. That small effort though turned out to be futile.  I should ask Kiyomi about this when she gets back. She thought to herself. 

“Never heard those words before,” Levi commented from his own table next to her. He always did keep her company after hours taking on some of the paperwork or reading through records and documentation on communications and deliveries  that only rapidly multiplied with every passing day since the building of the port. 

“Me neither,” Hange said. She sighed and rested her cheek on her hand as she looked out the window.

And...

The thinking process is, once I have a point A and a point B. Once I have all the dots I want written, connecting the dots becomes a bit more straightforward. I think the harder part really is figuring out the ‘dots’. That’s why I would recommend, once you feel like you wanna write something out, no matter how ugly it is, just get it written on your phone, even if it’s as messy as the notes above, or even if it’s just a dialogue skeleton. 

And here’s the thing, I really believe that once you have  a point A and a point B, there is a line that will always exist, regardless of how different point A and point B are. It’s just difficult to see from the start. 

And yeah, I think this is where writer’s block comes for most people. Because sometimes we can’t find the logical way to connect the two. 

So this is where my own concrete methods of fixing that comes in. (I’m sure it wouldn’t work for everyone but it might be worth a try for some people so I’ll leave it here.)

Find a hobby that follows a ‘connect the dots’ thinking process and before you write, do it. 

When I get writer’s block, I like to do things in real life where I am reminded that even the weirdest things can easily be connected, or I like doing things that require deep thought and organization and that require good ideas on the fly. I play strategy games like chess or mahjong. 

This probably won’t make sense for a lot of people but for the people who does, having a game with set a smaller set of rules than writing yet still  requires lots of innovative thinking and organizational thinking, helps keep my head moving in a smaller space, so it’s a good warm up. So when I go back to writing and I look at the point A and the point B again, I’m more easily able to see how I want it to connect. Because chess and mahjong are games where we are given set pieces and we have to find a way to make it connect given our environment and circumstances. 

If not chess or mahjong, and if you’re particularly musical, I found that just experimenting on an instrument when dealing with writer’s block actually works. I play the piano, and something which follows the same process as connecting the dots for me, is to open the lyrics of a song, look at a chords and just play the chords on the piano then just play around with the melody and the broken chords. The chords act like that ‘enclosed environment’ and the tinkering I do on the piano act like that ‘innovative thinking’ which gets my head moving.

Music: I go on walks and listen to my spotify on shuffle until a song comes out which I think resonates with the story. And then I listen to it again and again and again until I complete the fic. This is how I’m able to make that line from point A to point B more complete, and this is how I manage to channel my emotions into the writing.

Research: All fics will require some sort of research, especially when you’re writing something more complex. So when I’m going into some particular writer’s block, if it’s a history AU, I read history and watch documentaries. If I’m writing hc, I like to read medical journals. If I need to incorporate some sort of a science law into my fics, I read scientific journals (don’t read the whole thing lmao, the abstract usually works), When particularly writing a scene which requires in depth thought about a certain field or occupation, I talk to someone who has that occupation. I know this sounds totally weird to do over a fanfiction so I just don’t mention it’s fanfiction and just ask. I mean asking people about their job is generally an incredibly normal conversation starter.

How do you keep yourself motivated in writing?

Okay, so there’s one thing I need to point out here, if the pandemic didn’t happen, if I didn’t get laid off in my first job and if I didn’t drop law school for the year, I probably wouldn’t be here writing haha. 

Like right now, when I’m stuck in the house 24/7, reading and writing is my only outlet and my only hobby outside my job. I can’t travel. I can’t see friends. I can’t see family. The skating rink is closed. The gyms are closed. Anything which is remotely seen as fun is closed.  

So writing has been incredibly comforting in helping me process my emotions. 

But I recognize the fact that starting a fic will always be hard especially if people don’t know what to do. So people tend to put it off, and this habit usually extends to work or studies too I’m guessing. I mean I’ve worked in enough groupworks to know that people like to wait for that sense of urgency before they do anything. 

‘Motivation’ is such a fleeting thing that I don’t think anybody should be relying on that to get something moving. I think it’s pretty much discipline more than anything that gets people moving. So how do I  avoid procrastination or that feeling where ‘just thinking about it makes me freeze so I don’t do it.

I just do it. But it isn’t as easy as that right?

I have this concept of a future self. Like a future me I do not wanna disappoint and I trust that future self when she says ‘ you will not regret doing this.’ So even if the writing process is hard the first few pages, I’m able to write because even if it is painful, I know that in between and actually finishing up those pages isn’t. I’m sure people who have finished a fic know, there is an in between where you aren’t thinking too much about the actual process, you’re just writing. And the painful part is just getting to that trance. 

And in the end, you’re just like ‘I’m glad I wrote that.’

But that trance is liberating and it reminds me why the hell I’m doing all this in the first place. And I’m sure this isn’t limited to writing. Any hobby people pursue, working out, staying up all night to get homework done, I’m sure we all experience an in between or maybe some feeling after which makes us realize that it is worth it. It’s a matter of just trusting our future self to actually be grateful we did it. 

I know it’s easier said than done but I guess it helps at least to build the habit and the mindset so I’ve dropped some concrete ways it helps me.

[the-black-birb]

i just read your carrd!! it's really pretty. i also hope it's okay to ask, but i am interested to know why you want to transition from x readers to character x character, and if so, what will happen to this blog? will you be posting your character x character works here?

TLDR: i won't post character x character on tumblr but my blog isn't going anywhere. I want to write c x c because i think they're more interesting and I wrote a bunch on why.

soo while i was hiatusing i thought about that a bit

Originally, i intended to do both here but i feel like that will get a bit messy so my plan at the moment is to keep tumblr for character x reader works and use ao3 for character x character. I'm still in school right now so i can't give the time i want to either of these, but my focus will probably shift and I'll spend less time on tumblr than I did before. I'm not going to abandon this blog, but rather than dedicate a lot of energy to long character x reader fics, I'd rather use reader inserts as "warmup" pieces that are shorter and take less time to do. I'll still post here, just less than I did whenever i was at my "peak" of content/posting.

As for why i want to switch, there's a few reasons. Firstly, c x c will definitely reach a greater audience than reader-inserts. As a writer, I want the chance for more people to read my works. That being said, it's something I'm very interested in doing, i dont want anyone to have the impression I'm just in it for the numbers.

I've said this a few times before but when I started this blog I was rather emotionally compromised. For me, writing was almost only an outlet for me to heal or at the very least take my mind off of my own situation. I think this is the case for a lot of reader-insert writers and readers, and i dont think thats bad. We want a way to get out of our own situations or lives, so we live vicariously through fiction. It's (probably??) a helping coping mechanism and it's fun!!

But as I've kept writing, it's always been a goal of mine to keep pushing my boundaries in order to improve. At first this meant expanding my media to different types of stories by writing smaus, short scenarios, and headcanons (hcs quickly got boring for me tbvh and they are the majority of my pending reqs). Once Iwas doing all different sorts of stories, I tried to expand my style but incorporating elements of my own prose and other authors that I hadn't thought of before. But storytelling for me has always been largely character-based. Rather than an interesting setting or plot, I want to write characters that come to life on the page.

And reader-inserts just don't cut it.

A reader-insert is a fic that anyone should be able to relate, regardless of appearances or age or anything, unless it's otherwise specified (ie punk!reader or artist!reader). Because the reader character has to be left blank, it starts to feel like all their interactions with characters are the same. Even if I'm writing for a specific character, i could probably copy and paste another person's name in and it wouldn't make a difference.

I'm not saying reader inserts can't characterize subjects well, I've read magnificent ones that absolutely do. But it's more difficult and in order to do so the stories still tend to have less of a focus on characterization and more of focus on setting and plot (look at my love in time analysis: that story was all about the characters). When I got bored with short scenarios I tried to plan out longer, more intricate stories like lemonade and rekindle, but that quickly became a bunch of wips of c x c fics because there's more potential.

I really enjoy analysis of characters, it's why the 'sleepover with ray' event is fun bc people ask questions about the characters themselves w/o need for a reader character. As I try to make my writing more sophisticated, I think inevitably it was going to expand to character x character fics because while reader insert fics let you explore one character at a time, c x c lets you delve into the emotions behind their interactions and learn about both of them.

It might just be my shortcomings as a writer that limit me from what doing that with reader-insert fics but, frankly, I'm okay with that. I'm doing this so i can first and foremost write something I'll enjoy (which rn happens to be character x character) and secondly so I can improve and get to a point where I can write how I want. I want to switch to character x character writing because they have far more potential in my eyes and in the long run.

Side note: this is absolutely terrifying. I wrote a twt thread on it (I'd link it if my acct wasn't locked 😭), but as I've been reading c x c fics on ao3 and interacting w the authors a bit on twt and in discord i came to the realization that this audience is generally a bit older. I got in a slump comparing my writing to someone elses (never do that, it's about growth) only to realize they were twelve years older than me. Thats a whole preteen of age in between us 😭😭. From my experience, reader insert readers are mostly teens and i think this makes sense: we're fed up with feeling out of control and putting ourselves in the story helps remedy that or at least helps distract us. Character x character has more adult readers: people in control of their lives looking more to live vicariously through someone else's. For me the understanding that my writing will have more critical eyes judging it is both enthralling and terrifying, but that's what I want to write so I'm not about to let it stop me.

I want to clarify: I don't think less of reader inserts as media. For one thing, I dedicated two months of my time to them. I just find it limiting with where I am right now. As I take on bigger projects that take more time, I'm more drawn to character x character, so that's what I'll do!! When I finish stuff up i might post the ao3 link for exposure but I'm not gonna make a masterlist or anything for it all. I'm keeping reader-inserts as short pieces that take less time, but I'm not going to stop writing them all together.

If you read this far down thank you for making it through my word vomit!! Remember to drink some water and don't forget to sit up straight occasionally. I'm going through growing pains as i try to change my writing, and I really truly appreciate the continued support of everyone that finds this blog. Ultimately, i keep this updated for fun, so I'm going to write what's fun for me! I'm glad for all of you that have stuck around for the ride <3

[realitachifacts]

HCs about Itachi and his dreams, nightmares, sleeping habits and alternate states of consciousness. Does he get insomnia? Anything about parasomnia? Maybe a brief writing about it.

okay i just finished this and wtf it ended up being so long. i am not editing the story so if there are typos or anything sucks to suck for me.

headcanon time! i’m really excited for this one not gonna lie.

itachi has nightmares. many of them. this… makes sense, really, considering traumatic experiences induce vivid nightmares and, actually, blind people have more nightmares (though the difference is much slighter that that of the average person if you become blind later in life). 

i’m gonna get into the blindness first before i get into the nightmares. some of this is probably going to be scientifically inaccurate, but i mean… this is an anime headcanon.

the more his blindness progressed, the less visual the dreams became, focusing more on sensory experiences; at the same time, the imagery incorporated became more “familiar territory”, by which i mean the elements involved show up in a way he’d been familiar with for a longer experience of time. i guess the best example would be, before the final showdown, he’d seen sasuke once, at around age thirteen. the last few times he was able to see even anything in dreams, one of the few visuals that remained was his family, at the age he killed them; despite not seeing them in years, playing solely off of the most prominent memories. 

as he began to see less and less in general, before blacked-out dreams, the more the things less important to him would fade away, out of sight.

as far as dreams go, it’s likely he had very few positive ones while in the akatsuki. i’d imagine more of them came when he could no longer see, but it was still painful, to hear the voices of loved ones and not be able to look into their faces again in the only way you can, knowing you have only a few months left to live.

now onto the nightmares.

more or less as an interesting concept alone, but for the majority of his life, itachi never had nightmares. stress at night manifested solely through insomnia rather than having bad dreams. since he’s a ninja, i would imagine learning to remain composed is sort of an essential asset of the job, and he was probably taught how to do this, so he could at least force himself into sleep, even if he woke up several times or barely felt rested in the morning.

he’s had dreams though, but that’s never been something all that significant to him; i don’t think any of them have been super good dreams. 

[ okay just note that i haven’t gotten to the shisui death scene yet i just know that it happens and that’s about it so i’m probably interpreting some stuff wrong ]

but when that happened he couldn’t sleep for 10 full days until he passed out from sleep deprivation.

the first time he had a nightmare was the first time he was able to sleep after killing his clan. 

okay actually that’s cool i’m gonna write something with that. ugh OP… your mind…

obviously the nightmares were trauma-based. he had them up until his death, but the further away from the time the event occurred, the more abstract elements worked their way into the dream. he still had the dreams after he lost sight in his dreams, and he felt a bit guilty about it, but he was grateful he didn’t have to look at the eyes and faces of his clan members as he killed them.

for a while after the sasuke encounter during part I, sasuke played a more prominent part in his nightmares, for a good while.  

the majority of the nightmares involve bad things happening to sasuke, or him killing his clan, or havoc in the leaf village, since i doubt anything harm that could come upon itachi scares him as much as the thought of those three things. 

i imagine both dreams and nightmares are very vivid for itachi, being an observing/calculating/analytical individual he takes in more and has more to process.

as far as parasomnias go, dream-enacting behavior might’ve happened once or twice but i can’t imagine much beyond that. 

as for sleeping habits, probably just mindfulness exercises before sleeping, because being someone introspective and having done/been through terrible things you feel guilty about that giving yourself time to think before you sleep is probably not the best of ideas ever. 

with worsening depression/illness, itachi’s wanting to just sleep all the time probably amplified. it’s particularly hard, knowing that after closing your eyes the misery will continue or even worsen. 

):

as for altered states of consciousness, i have a personal headcanon that using genjutsu efficiently requires a calm/collected/well cared for mind, otherwise you might not be able to control or even, worst case scenario when you’ve totally lost your marbles, get trapped in your own genjutsu. so i would assume something like meditation/mind training in some way would help you maintain that.  

i think that covers everything?

now for a story.

Itachi Uchiha has never had a nightmare before in his life.

“Why?!”

He doesn’t need to.

“W-Why would you do this?!”

He’s living one.

Itachi talks about wanting to prove his vessel.

Doesn’t mean a single word of it.

… , …

He spends the rest of the night running, getting away and putting as much distance between himself and the Hidden Leaf Village as is completely possible, and in his head the moment plays over and over and over, but it doesn’t feel real, he’s existing in this dreamlike state, as if he’s repeatedly reading some page of a book because his eyes are blurred, unfocused.

He appears calm, at least, he thinks, as he stops running; the one area falling short of perfection in his academy exams was stamina, but a fighting style rooted primarily in genjutsu more than makes up for that missing proficiency. He has… a lot of emotions to process, really, it’s foreign territory when the majority of his emotional responses have a tendency towards being at least moderately underwhelming. This whole endeavor, every part of it, it’s been so stressful, so painful, deep hurt powerful enough that it manifests physically in his body, chest bleeding with.

Sadness.

Loss.

Loneliness.

Remorse.

He wonders if he should feel remorse, or at least, if remorse is logically applicable here. He was doing this to save the village, it would have happened either way, but at least this way Sasuke his safe, holding that sword with the metal drinking in and shining out the colors of moonlight, silver gleam broken by patches of slightly rusted crimson, red like roses lovers give to each other; blood of his ancestors and uncles and aunts and cousins and his parents and. And anyways. His little brother would’ve died, if it had been anyone but him. His clan was going to stage a coup, start a war, the death toll would’ve been worse, so many of the Uchihas would’ve died in it anyways, at least he put them out of their misery fast, and-

These are rationalizations.

Itachi knows this.

But he saved the village, he thinks. 

It was going to happen anyways.

Sasuke will grow stronger, Itachi will ensure it, kill him and paint the clan name in new colors; clean off the bloodstained sins Itachi left on his blade. Sasuke will go back to the village a hero, Itachi thinks. Find happiness and acceptance, slaughterer of his criminal brother, sociopathic mass-murderer, heart and soul black as the eyes of crows.

Itachi is orchestrating his own divine justice. Playing as a deity in order to be purged by an angel of his own creation.

… , …

He’s sitting underneath a pine tree, long bark-wrinkled branches with needle fingers hang lazily from its sides. It’s still night, but in a few hours, it’ll be dawn, Itachi’s internal clock estimates. Still, the sky above him is as dark as a scorpion’s carapace, white stars speckled across like the shine on its shell. By now the world up above the deciduous forest is moonless, clouds consume it like parasites. It’s not that cold, or it could be colder, but maybe Itachi’s body is just numb from.

Everything.

Anyways, he’s exhausted. Doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. Thirteen-year-old self too life-drained to carry on much further. He lays down on a bed of pine needles, rough against his back, stinging in minutely; closes his eyes.

He thinks sleep won’t come easily.

He’s wrong.

But Itachi promises himself one thing before he fades down into unconsciousness.

If he can, he never wants to kill anyone, ever again.

… , …

Itachi is in the Uchiha compound, night’s almost fallen, the sky is painted indigo from the tail ends of dusk.

-

Many battles ensue. 

Itachi wins all of them 

-

His parents sit next to each other, in their room, side by side, execution style.

They talk about some things.

Itachi kills them.

-

Sasuke is crying.

If you want to defeat me, you need these eyes, Itachi says.

He’s already mentioned that he never cared about him, this whole time.

There’s nobody else in the world Itachi could ever care about more.

… , …

Itachi wakes up with tears heavy in his eyes, breathing hard, the milky pink of dawn has managed to claw its way into the sky and the first breaths of light whisper down between leaves and what was that.

Rationally, Itachi knows it’s a nightmare, but his heart is still fast and his breathing is a bit sped up and his eyes are wide, less characteristic emotional expression (though the normal tends to be majorly apathy, with any other responses muted partially). 

He’s.

He’s never had one of these before.

It felt so real, and his dreams, they’ve always been vivid, mainly processing stressors or other events that provoked a more intense response from him; he’s never needed to analyze them, because his sleeping mind still holds hands with reality, and so now, this, this reliving it, as it happened, had to look into his relatives’ death-fearing eyes, had to act on notions antithetic to his moral code of pacifism, had to murder so many people. 

Itachi shakes his head, tries not to dwell on it for too long.

He has a life he needs to figure out what to do with, until its preordained end.

… , …

He has that dream many, many more times.

It doesn’t get better, any of them.

… , …

Itachi is already halfway out of one of the two beds he’s rented at the inn, soft and luxurious and feather down mattress, as Kisame begins to speak. Asks Itachi if it’s another nightmare.

Itachi says nothing. The yes is unspoken.

Kisame asks Itachi if it’s the same one.

“Partially.” Itachi says. “Though devoid of all visual imagery.”

Kisame makes a jest, something along the lines of ‘finally, huh’? Itachi finds it non-offensive. He’s trying to be supportive, lighten the situation. Itachi doesn’t laugh at much anything, anymore. Kisame still tries.

“It’s been this way for some time, actually.” I just never wanted to talk about it.

He’s going to sit outside, take some space, as he does. This is a regular occurrence. Kisame tells him to come back soon.

… , …

Itachi comes back after around thirty minutes. Kisame is still awake, likely awaiting his safe return. It’s considerate.

He reminds Itachi that they’ll be at the Uchiha Hideout soon. 

Itachi wouldn’t have forgotten ever. The scene of the final showdown, holy retribution, smite by the angelic.

… , …

This is Itachi’s last night alive.

He hopes the night is dreamless.

… , …

It isn’t.

But actually, in a good way.

… , …

Itachi is practicing shurikenjutsu, he’s around thirteen, sort of, leaps into the air in cat smooth motions, the throwing stars bounce off of each other and white shines across the metal. It’s warm and summery and the rare breaths of wind are hot, comforting almost. The trees are painted golden at the edges by sunlight, shuriken impale the targets on them, biting into their canvas skin.  

Perfect score.

Sasuke is there, too, a child, around seven. He’s smiling and there are stars in his dark eyes and he’s looking at his older brother like Itachi is going to give him the world. 

“Can you teach me that, too?” His voice just bleeds excitement and awe, he wants to be just like his older brother who is the Best Ninja Ever. Itachi extends his hand, moves his fingers in a ‘come here’ motion. There’s a half moon smile of white teeth suddenly there on Sasuke’s face, he runs towards his brother, and Itachi uses his index and middle finger, pokes in the middle of Sasuke’s forehead, who flinches back, makes a pouting face, knowing the next sentence by heart.

“I’m sorry Sasuke, maybe next time.”

“You always say that.”

Itachi smiles apologetically, then thinks about it. Is he really busy right now? He usually is; he planned to finish his training and help his father with some mission work. But… Well, considering the state of things, he might not have more opportunities like this.

So that can wait until another time.

“I think I may be free now, actually.” Itachi sees Sasuke’s whole being shine brighter and warmer than the sun.

-

Itachi teaches Sasuke the beginnings of shurikenjutsu. Sasuke learns quickly, and glows in every word of his older brother’s praise and encouragement.

-

At the end of it all, Sasuke grabs Itachi, hugs him tight.

“Thank you, older brother.”

And Itachi feels…

Happy.

… , …

Suddenly, things are different. His body hurts, all over, it’s cold around him, dark, Itachi’s vision is blurred and then he realizes where he is, remembers that this world, this is his reality. Kisame is already awake, it’s morning, they have to get ready for… what’s next, for Itachi.

Kisame tells Itachi that he should’ve woken him up earlier, but he didn’t.

“Why?”

Apparently he was smiling in his sleep. Kisame asks what he was dreaming about.

Itachi has to think for a while, before he finds the right thing to say.

… , …

“How things should have been.”