#//I still haven't?? made a post for needle?? but i probably should

[zichqec]

Simplicity Template v1.0.0

Hi. It’s me again, emerging from the depths of ukagaka hell to bring you new and strange things.

So here’s the thing about ghosts, I helped make this one called Needle for ghost jam 2022, and it’s kinda sorta maybe the best thing I’ve ever participated in. And it maybe kinda triggered a big shift in how I think about ghosts. And I think maybe, the process doesn’t need to be nearly as complicated as it is. 

Right now, the existing ghost templates are very, very big. Everything everywhere will tell you that making a ghost is a long project that requires a lot of dedication. And that can be true! There are some wonderful and detailed ghosts out there that take a long time to produce. But as we’ve seen in ghost jams, that’s not necessarily true! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be big! Ghosts don’t HAVE to be complicated! And even ghosts with a lot of content don’t have to be a huge project that eats up months of your life! Just about everything in the existing templates is optional, but I always feel like I’m cheating or doing a bad job if I skip things.

The more I think about it, and with a lot of the work I’ve done lately, I think it is easy to get burned out by the amount of tedious work you have to do filling in side functions that many users won’t ever see. New devs may find those functions uninteresting, or confusing, or just simply overwhelming from the sheer amount of them. And I think a lot of folks may not realize they can be omitted entirely without causing any harm to the ghost! SSP has default dialogues for the stuff that there need to be dialogues for!

Additionally, I’ve started to see more possibilities for ghosts lately, and the existing templates are making me feel very boxed in. Many ghosts right now have the same premise of “X character but on your computer”, and I don’t have anything against that, but there’s lots of other interesting ideas out there that we haven’t explored hardly at all! What if it’s not that a character has appeared on your desktop, what if you’ve appeared in their world! What if you’re not actually human? What if they know you already! There are so many things I would love to see happen, and some ideas that I’m hoping to start exploring myself.

Anyways! That was a whole lot of words for me to introduce my new template. I’ve made a new template called the Simplicity Template, and these are the things I hope it accomplishes:

Makes ghost making less intimidating for new developers by having less to fill in

Helps more ghosts reach completion by getting straight to content first, with very few side features to fill in

Gives developers more freedom to experiment and try new ideas, and to break away from the current formula

If any of that sounds interesting to you, give it a try! You can always add in more features later and build upon the simple base that is here!

[gardenvarietycrafts]

WIP Wednesday (Belatedly)

I know it's been a minute since I've posted, but my partner got me Stardew Valley and I am obsessed with it and haven't been knitting as much. I did pick back up my needles recently, though, so here's what I'm currently working on:

I just cast on the Leafy Leaf cowl. I was going to wait until I had finished something else first (the Dustland shawl being the main one I'd wanted to finish before starting this cowl) but I recently watched a Nimble Needles video with tips and tricks for the experienced knitter and just had to try this one! The tip is that no cast on and bind off will truly match perfectly, because they're just formed differently no matter what, but to match exactly you can provisional cast on, knit the work, then bind off both top and bottom with the same bind off technique. I'll update once I'm finished with the cowl to let you know how I like it, but it also gave me an excuse to learn how to provisional cast on in the round!

The second photo shows a little bit closer view of the lace pattern. I've only made it about halfway through the first repeat, but I really like how it's turning out so far. I'm not sold on my guage, though, so I may restart on smaller needles. If I do, I'll still use the provisional cast on then bind off the bottom edge technique.

This one is a hit of a back burner project because I chose a yarn with less stitch definition than I probably should have used for this project, but it's the No Rhinebeck No Problem MKAL 3, and all clues are currently released. I just need to finish the last repeat for clue 3 and then complete clue 4 and I'll be finished with this one.

This one was also in WIP time out for a bit due to the way this yarn knits, but I've picked it back up recently. Working on finishing the heel turn for sock 2 (the more pink sock) and then I'll be back to working on these two at a time in the round. The heels on these are Japanese short row heels, and they'll be a gift for a friend. These are both from the same ball of yarn, and I should be able to get a second pair out of it, which I'll knit exactly the same as these so that all 4 socks can be mixed and matched. My goal is to finish all 4 socks before gifting, but I may just gift these 2 socks first, since my next socks will be a pair for me, I think.

I'm not using a specific pattern for the socks, but they're just stockinette stitch, Japanese short row heels, and I'll use a wedge toe.

Not pictured:

The Dustland shawl - I'm still working on it, slowly, but progress isn't really visible because the stitch pattern just repeats. I have, however, decided to stop just after this pattern repeat, so after the next diagonal rib section (actually, after the garter section after the diagonal rib) because 1, it's huge already, 2, the rows are too long to maintain motivation, and 3, I'd like to not have to use up the whole last ball of this yarn. If I get close to the end of the ball, I'll finish it off there, even if I haven't gotten to where I planned to.

Mitered square blanket - I've decided to add more squares to the width and just make all the squares in the same direction, instead of making panels and seaming them together, so next steps will be adding more squares onto the width of the blanket. But this one likely will also be a long term project, since I have other things I'm focused on working on right now.

Project list, for things I have planned (mostly so I don't forget):

Socks for me using the Duo Sox yarn by Willow Yarns, which is meant for knitting a pair of matching socks and comes with two balls, perfect for the taat method I use

Second pair of apple mittens for my partner. She follows me, so I can't explain how they'll be different because I want it to be a surprise.

Mittens for me to match the hat and cowl I have, though I may also do a stripey cowl with that green and a dark blue yarn I have in my stash. I have an idea to knit a pattern I saw slightly differently to suit my needs better.

A pair of worsted weight socks, because warm and faster to knit.

Tea cozy for my tea pot. The first one I attempted was too small.

[gemmahale]

Ooh, craft room update!

I found a bunch of my hooks and needles and scissors! I'm so happy about that! (Still haven't found the ones I want though, womp womp.)

Current frog tally: Frogged: 9 To Be Determined: 4 (tbf it's a matter of how much do I want to fight with this yarn to frog it?) Finish: 3

Alt ID: Gif of a green frog balancing on a moving green leaf.

More thinking below the cut.

The mice did chew (a tiny bit) on a sweater I made that is mostly finished. So I'm making a decision whether I repair it or tear it all out and make something else. (It ended up being much heavier than I expected it to be and I'm not sure I'll wear it when it is done.)

All that's left in the back room now is the bedding (I'm avoiding it for historic 🐁 reasons), and the shelving unit that is full of mini skeins and little fiddly bits. And the vanity that I know is full of things in the drawers (shh don't tell Kallen yet). ...oh and cleaning up the 3 little relatively large sorting piles I have throughout the house, lol.

Hopefully, I can shift some of the stuff that's in those piles and in my craft-room-to-be into this cleaned out room in an organized fashion (after we mop and sweep and shit). It's giving me stress from being right next to my chair and I'm feeling claustrophobic about it.

I have accumulated at least 3 loads of laundry to do out of this, which is ...good bad? One is all the clothing that I should have just returned when it didn't fit but since that was a *year plus* ago, into the wash and then the donation pile it goes! Plus washing the project bags sounds like a good thing to do.

I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with all this yarn. Blankets are fine and dandy (note to self: contact the Veteran's Home in town about donating yarn and/or blankets), and wearables are nice, but I don't do the common triangle shawls. I really only do the big square over the shoulder poncho/ruana thingy style. I'm not keen on the kerchief style and I can't get them to stay put (I miiiiight try a wrappy bracelet thing or a shawl pin and find that works decently but haven't yet). But for the most part? I'm a square/rectangle gal. Or a cowl.

And realistically, how many blankets/scarves/hats/sweaters/other item does one person truly need? Sure, I could make a bunch of them for gifts (and likely will). But really, I'm drowning in yarn that'll never get used.

Alt ID: Meme text - "I am not a yarn hoarder, I am the curator of an extensive fiber collection". Image is of a hand holding a multicolored twisted skein of yarn.

Usually these memes make me groan, but this one's kind of on par with my situation. 😅

So...destashing plans will be made. Maybe I can convince Kallen to give me a page on his online store. Hm. I know there's a few Reddits, probably a few Facebook groups, eBay, etc. I could use. I think I saw something about someone starting a yarn reselling program - I need to find that info again.

Or maybe...I just make a side blog and have them all posted/tagged/searchable? That might be an idea too. (Ugh the idea of managing payments and shipping is making me want to chew my arm off though.)

Things to think and chew on.

I don't necessarily want to make back the money from purchasing - I know that's not realistically feasible. I do, however, want to become much more intentional about what I'm going to feasibly wear and use. And one part of that is going to be letting go of things I won't use in a reasonable timeframe.

Alt ID: "I have SABLE: Stash Acquisition Beyond Life Expectancy" superimposed over yarn hanks.

[sl33py-g4m3r]

random update~~ need to get to actually playing more~~ hadn't had time for long stretches

napaea gained a level in my stock? apparently demons in the stock also gain exp~~!! Didn't know that. idk if its the same amount as if they're actually in battle, but I really don't want my healer dead. I wasted a revival bead on her and idk where to get a new one. or who drops one.

does healing in the barracks revive dead demons? I could've done that if the answer was yes....

back to unreasonable grinding~~ was going to keep trying to recruit a mokoi, and gryphon cause I don't have them yet, one level too low to try for chagrin. recruit everything humanly possible, lol.

Still worried I'll get lost in naraku, but I think I'm easily dealing with stuff in the entryway so I should be fine to embark further.

I'm a coward just staying by the door, lol. probably missing out on a lot of relics too if they respawn after pickup... I think crystaahl's playthrough a samurai said they respawn i think....

was going to try messing around with the talk feature to see what demons that have been made into allies would give, and mess with that a while. or is it better to kill them for exp instead?

current team is as follows:

flynn - level 6 - regular attack, bufu, zan. critical wave, leveling up mainly magic and luck, need to throw some into agility too I'd guess. magic and luck both tied for highest stats at 15 agility is now 14

centaur - level 5 - regular attack, bufu, needle shot

fuxi - level 4 - regular attack, zan, patra

Lham Dearg - level 3 - normal attack, gram slice, critical wave

napaea - level 3 - regular attack, dia, dream needle (would've been zan so what? was that due to my luck stat or random??)

wanted to grind to get life stones and items back... and see what demons would give me if anything if I had one of them already allied.

playing this game very safe so far I feel ~~~

couple hours of gameplay time and I wonder how much of it I've spent idle...

I feel "gets comfortable in first strata of naraku, second strata I'm gonna have an SMT moment cause I got lost and turned around or something"

Still a very fun game so far~~ and sadly I'm still in the tutorial... am i a coward or just slow?

probably just slow as I haven't found more time to actually play a lot. calling myself a coward is mean and I shouldn't do that~~~

Constantly have the naraku battle theme going through my head, lol

long post~~ glad anxiety chilled out enough to let me play the game~~ Is very fun so far~~ Used to the battle system i think finally

minor gripe that I can fix if i just used citra to begin with (and I don't want to start over); the red text for emphasis in the quest menu and elsewhere can be very hard to read for my blind ass. tho I shouldn't complain about it cause I'm using official hardware and not doing the recommended thing of emulating. so I have no right to, lol. how you all read it??

Edit 1: Lham dearg obtained~~ wooooo~~~~!!

Edit 2: Resting at the barracks does indeed revive dead demons and I wish I knew that before wasting a revival bead on napaea earlier…

Edit 3: changed levels accordingly ~~

Time to level Lham Dearg

I cannot play this game in large chunks and idk why cause it’s really fun so far~~ brain wut?

Edit 4: Hopefully I don’t waste the app points I had cause I expanded my demon stock x 4 and then bought the demon skill +1 slot. First thought was my skills +1 and demon skills +1 but I went stock instead…

[sobrietywithnobullshit]

My First Post (intro); TW: drug use & addiction.

sigh I always start things i don't finish, so this blog will probably be just another unfinished project that i forget about in a month. Sorry for the pessimistic outlook- it's a big habit of mine. Along with many more. This is going to be a semi long intro so bare with me.

So let's start this out typical. Hi my name is Sam and i'm an addict. Going on 8 years now. It's probably more like 10..ish. I say 8 though because there was a point in between using for fun and needing to use daily without getting sick, where i was sober for like a little over a year. So 8 years works for me.

Choice of drug: heroin, opiates, and most recently the antagonist in this story- fentanyl. Which is quite ironic i phrase it that way because they use antagonists to reverse the effects of opioids. If i had a choice, i would have never started using fet at all but these days that i all one can find. Besides that flesh eating shit, don't get me started on that lmfao. I have been lucky enough to not run into it- yet. Plus i don't shoot (i am terrified of needles) i snort. So my skin is safe for now lol. I also have been lucky enough to have never overdosed. Or die in that case. So praise the lawd.

Let's cover recent events that made me start this blog. About a month ago i entered a detox facility about 3 hours from where i live. I drove myself and stayed for a little over 5 days. Then left. All of you reading are probably like WHAT THE FUCK BRUH you were sooo close. Trust me i know. There was alot that happened there that was so unhealthy and ill make a post about all that shit later, but to sum up how i felt there besides sick from withdrawals, i felt like a damn science experiment.

Cut to two days later me wanting them to take me back and they wouldn't unless i started on suboxone (which i didnt want to again ill explain more about all this in another post). This time my parents drove me fucking 3 hours there and back for nothing. About a week or so later i entered a rehab facility 4 and a half hours from where i live. I drove myself again. I was under the assumption it would be guys and girls (it wasn't). There were alot more things i assumed and it wasn't the case. This will also be another post. But i left 24 hours in due to safety issues and drugs literally in the facility. Which was partially my fault.

Okay so my recovery hasn't been so good. I am currently using still and felt overwhelmed for about a whole month. I kept telling myself okay i will call the new rehab tomorrow. Then tomorrow turned into a month. I didn't even realize i was doing it until a month went by.

I have found a new detox facility a bit closer to home..2 hours lmao. I live in the middle of nowhere btw. So 2 hours is nothing, i drive two hours to get my fix every week so.. no big deal. Except this one was super hard to find because the name of it wasn't anything to do with detox or heroin or ya know. I'm not sure if i am going to be accepted or if they have an opening yet because i haven't called. And im not going to until i have everything in my life in order. They also have a really nice rehab that IS coed. It's also not in a hospital, its more holistic.

So that is where im at currently. I probably will call them on monday or tuesday of next week. I had to get some cash together, my clothes washed and packed, and i also had some random shit coming in the mail that i knew would get stolen if i didnt wait. But for the most part- everything is in order. So next week i could be getting clean again for the 4th time.

So this is me. Im sam. Which i should mention isn't really my name haha. But it is my favorite name. Always love samantha from totally spies. Maybe when i start getting clean and actually have more than 5 days, i will reveal my ugly mug. Thought about starting a tiktok but who knows. Social media has never really been my thing. But you know that because im literally starting a blog on tumblr i 2023 lmfao.

Anyways, sorry for the horrible format. Just kind of writing this spur of the moment. Just wanted to introduce myself. This blog will be about my sobriety journey with no fucking bullshit. That's one thing i hate. When people get clean and they pull the omggg jesus saved me. Or they get clean and forget that dirty part of themselves. I never want to forget this part of me because it's made me who i am. I will never be ashamed of that.

Talk soon. Please be safe out there. Message me if you need anything. It gets better.

xoxo sam

[isaac-lahey-imagines]

Imagine #70 | Request #31 (Part 3/3 of Isaac Lahey x Alpha!Reader)

Catch up here: Part 1, Part 2 (might need to rewrite these two though)

Can I just say that you guys who stuck with this blog (and the Wattpad imagines) are the best? And to think I haven't posted in years and we've hit 6k+ followers when I came back?! I don't even know how you people are still here and loving the pieces I put out when I'm here cringing over the old works back in 2015!

Warnings: The usual when it comes to the Teen Wolf series, specifically the Dread Doctors' season, mentions of blood, bones breaking, drugs, needles, a few curse words, idk if this is angst? whump?

Word Count: 6k+ (it's probably the longest I've written omg)

Not much of a flashback or backstory (I'm out of words, I can't squeeze anymore juices out of my brain, my bad). As usual, this is note beta-ed and sorry for any mistakes! English isn't my first language :(

~

“No more, please,” weak cries fell on deaf ears as you were dragged down from one hall to another, the smell of disinfectant and rust overpowering your already sensitive nose and magnifying the headache that was present from when you took a beating earlier.

The sound of bare flesh skidding on the polished floor bounced off the walls as you tried to pull away and run from your captors, you did not care of the stinging sensation that radiated from the pads of your feet - the open wounds left untreated by the people who kept you in hopes that whatever was inside of you can take care of it on its own.

You were repulsed at the thought of them still being considered as people after what they have put you through - they were monsters.

“Just a little more, my dear.” One of the figures that held your arm sneered, the grip on your bicep tightening making you clench your jaw. You internally scoffed at this knowing well that it won’t be ‘just a little more’ with how long and how frequent it happened and will happen.

“She should be able to go through another round.” A voice, deeper than the feminine one from earlier, spoke up as you entered through the heavy double doors of a room - an operating theater you guessed from the setup. “Prep her.”

“Her vitals are stronger now.” The third person declared, their fingers flipping through the pages of the clipboard in their hands before glancing towards the monitor to one side of the room - an image of your anatomy on display with different colors corresponding to each system in your body.

“The less you struggle the faster this will be.” One of the doctors, the Geneticist, who dragged you to this hell hole hummed as she was met with resistance on your end while she strapped you down on the cold metal table, the leather rubbing your already raw skin.

Her patience with you was at a limit, she was close to just ending it - ending you. But they have already achieved so much with their craft that it would be such a waste of time and resource to start from square one.

“Remember,” The Pathologist warned as he walked closer to you once you were settled down. “The louder you scream, the more blood we take from you.”

The tears that fell from your eyes to the sides of your face tickled your ears at the threat, small whimpers coming from you were ignored.

“Might I remind you that the btch wakes up?” The Geneticist interrupted, irritation in her voice as she steadied your shaking right hand before inserting an IV cannula in a vein at the back of your hand and taping it in place. Looking up to her left, she reached for the device below one of the two bags that hung on the pole and unclamped its tube letting the mix of anxiolytic, hypnotic, and anticonvulsant start to flow down to you. She then turned her attention to the other bag beside it, a mix of amnestic, and myorelaxant drugs, and did the same - a near-perfect cocktail mix they specifically designed for you.

She reminded the other doctors that no matter how much benzos, relaxants, or other drug concoctions they pump in your veins, you will wake up in between operations screaming your head off while attempting to break free of the hold you are currently in. “No matter how much sedatives we put in her, her wolf is too strong-”

“It’s an animal-” The Surgeon spoke up.

“She’s an alpha, a pure one-” She argued again, almost growling at the hard-headedness of her co-doctors before she was cut off by the same person.

“An animal.” He spoke in finality. “We are humans - gods even! We are at the very top of the damned food chain.”

The room suddenly fell silent, your whimpers, the beeping of a monitor, and the hum of the machines somewhere in the room were the only things that could be heard as you started to feel the effects of the fluids injected into you.

The tension you felt from earlier began to leave your body just as your vision started getting cloudy, your eyelids feeling heavier by the minute. You didn’t notice the Pathologist holding up a syringe to the light, flicking the bubbles away with his middle finger and thumb a few times before the taste of rubber invaded your mouth with such force that hurt your lips, gums, and teeth.

The Surgeon that was above you, blocking the light for a few moments, had shoved the mouth guard in before he continued securing your head in the metal gear positioned above you. Your neck followed suit with a hard metal clamp attached to the table effectively locking you in place and soon, your whole body was completely immobilized with a loud click from the double lock clamps.

The tears continued to flow down the sides of your face as you fought the sleepiness, praying for this to just end. The dread of what is to come overwhelming you and making your body shake as much as the drugs and table’s hold on you would allow.

“I’m surprised the smart one hasn’t figured it out yet.” They exchanged small talk over your muffled screams as soon as you felt the sharp sting of a needle puncturing your skin and into your cervical spine; expelling whatever it was they created into your system for the nth time. Your ears hurt from the ringing in your head while your throat burned as the pain from the syringe radiated all over your body.

“I’m surprised her mate hasn’t.” The Geneticist replied with emphasis.

“My friends, let us not be complacent.” Their leader ended their conversation as he now concentrated on looking at the x-ray on the monitor showing the movement of the serum as it spread in you.

“We continue our routine - clean her up, wipe her to an extent and then return her. ” He added as he pushed more of the liquid in you with a press of a button by your head.

“Marcel, they will know, soon enough.” She pointed out. “She will start to have withdrawals if-”

“We won’t let that happen.”

~

Sneakers skidding on the floor as everyone seemed to scramble out of the way towards the door, eyes wide with fear looking at the figure in front of them.

“Y/N?”

“Alpha?”

Isaac watched as the massive wolf in front of them let out a deep growl with its teeth bared at the people that called her attention, the fur on her back and chest standing up making her look even bigger than she already is.

“Y/N,” Isaac knew that Deaton was the best person to handle all kinds of supernatural cases, hence, the title of Emissary to their pack. “It’s Deaton.”

Letting out another growl as you licked your lips, your tail flicked lowly behind you as your eyes darted to each person present in the room before landing back to one in particular who was too close for comfort.

“Y/N, hey,” His voice sounded softer, it almost made you feel a sense of comfort until his hand reached out to you and made you snap back and almost bite it off.

This instinctively made Scott pull Isaac back by his shirt to a safe distance, struggling a bit in his grasp as the beta did not want to be moved further away from you despite the situation.

“Isaac, move back,” Deaton warned when he noticed that the curly-haired werewolf was not backing down, a hand gesturing for him to move away from you. “She’s scared.”

“No, Deaton, she heard me. She’s there - Y/N,” Isaac argued before turning his attention back to you again, blue eyes already glassy as tears filled the rim of his eyes. “She heard me.”

Isaac tried to hold on to the hope that you were present underneath the wolf because he was sure he saw that familiar glimmer that was distinctly you.

Just as he attempted to reach out to you again with a whisper of your name on his lips, the same frequency you heard before rang in your ears making you seize up and drop to the ground.

“Agh! What is that?” Liam winced as his hands reached up to his head to cover his ears, eyes scrunching shut as he tried to will away the incessant ringing.

“What’s what?” Mason asked with confusion etched on his face as he looked at his friend then to Stiles and the others, the werewolves in the room in particular, doing the same.

Isaac did not care for the ringing he heard, witnessing you looking like you were being kicked or beaten as you struggled to stand up, the sound of pained screams, whines, and whimpers coming out of you pulled at his heart making him drop to his knees beside you.

His hands hovered over your form trying to figure out what to do while he avoided getting scratched by the large clawed paws that writhed with your body, Scott and Thor doing the same and looking over you trying to see where exactly were you hurting.

“Deaton,” Isaac called as he carefully placed his hand on your shoulder before hissing - you were burning up and the black color that coursed through his veins upon touching you wreaked of disease. “Deaton what do we do?!”

“What is that?” Thor asked in bewilderment as he saw what was happening with Isaac’s arms.

“Hold her still as much as you can,” The vet’s voice was calm despite the mess, going to one of the counters in the room and asking Stiles and Mason for assistance as he tried to collect what sounded like glass vials from the way it clinked in their hold.

Isaac heard Thor mutter an apology to his alpha as he tried to hold your hind legs down as much as he can, Scott doing the same by your torso and Isaac by your neck.

“Y/N,” Isaac continued to call for you as he tried to hold your front legs down. “It’s Isaac, baby - it’s me.”

“Hurry!” Scott called to Deaton as his eyes scrunched and a sheen of sweat already present on their foreheads, the ringing still present in their ears making it difficult for them to concentrate.

Just as Deaton returned and knelt by your side, carrying a stainless steel tray that contained what looked like multiple large syringes in it, the static ringing noise started to get louder making the supernatural beings in the room let out a pained groan and lose their grip on you.

It grew too much too quickly to bear, causing the lights and windows above your heads to shatter and engulf the room in darkness. As everyone ducked for cover, Isaac stayed by your side and tried to shield you from the onslaught of sharp glass descending on you.

It took a few moments before the ringing stopped and the feel of cold air entered the room, snapping them back to their senses as their eyes opened at the smell of blood it carried with it.

Isaac immediately sat up as he felt the cold tiled floor and not your warm body underneath him.

“Y/N,” was all he said before he sprinted out of the room, the others following behind him.

“How did she get out?” He heard Stiles behind him once they reached the outside of the clinic, Thor already looking around the perimeter of the establishment for any signs of you.

Isaac’s brain was running a hundred miles at what he saw and what had just happened inside, his lips quivering as he ran his hands through his hair and pulling at the roots in frustration. He sniffled as he tried to stop the tears from running down his cheeks with the heels of his hands. Exhaling, he closed his eyes and tried to even out his breathing before turning to Scott.

“She’s not gone,” his alpha spoke, already reassuring him. “We’re going to find her.”

Just before Isaac could reply and shoot down the optimism his alpha had, a car screeched to a halt in front of them.

“Where is she?!” Lydia asked as she got out of the driver’s side, a frantic look in her bloodshot eyes.

“Hey, hey, what happened?” Stiles was immediately by her side, cupping her face in his hands. But Lydia only moved out of the way and turned to Isaac and asked again.

“We don’t know where she is. She disappeared right before Deaton -” Lydia was close to tears again as she groaned in frustration.

“They can’t get her back.” She said, sounding more of a beg as her voice shook a little.

Everyone in front of her stopped what they were doing and looked at the Banshee.

“Who’s they? And where do you think Y/N is?” Stiles asked before a few seconds later, realization hit him.

~

It was on the way to Eichen House that Lydia explained everything she saw that made her break all the traffic laws implemented in Beacon Hills just to rush to the vet clinic. Isaac could not shake the feeling that Lydia, a banshee – a herald of death, had visions of you in his arms already in eternal slumber. His wolf broke more than a little as she spoke more of what she saw, only a few words registering to him – Y/N, doctors, experiment, and torture.

Everything was a flash for Isaac now, he did not even realize that they were now in a tunnel under the mental facility planning on who was going where.

But once their strategy was laid out, Isaac wasted no time in trying to locate even the faintest of your scent in the damp and moldy tunnel he was walking through. He heard Stiles and Lydia speaking on the phone in his pocket that they'd found an office that had files strewn everywhere – files that specifically contained information about you and what they have done with you so far.

“Any luck finding her?” Lydia asked as Isaac heard papers being flipped on the other end of the line.

“Nope, not yet,” Liam replied.

“No, she’s not here.” Thor was next then Scott, all claiming to find only empty rooms and dungeons.

“Isaac?” Lydia asked after not hearing from him.

“None,” he answered, sounding defeated as he rounded another corner with you nowhere in sight.

Isaac could hear collective sighs as they continued their searches, his ears already drowning out what Lydia and Stiles were doing - occasionally spitting out questions of why’s as they continued to browse through what they found in the files.

His breathing became labored as his mind started to play tricks on him the further we walked down the tunnel, the source of light slowly fading the deeper he went.

Just as he was about to turn another corner, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He felt as though soft fingertips touched him, making his skin crawl as he turned around quickly only to find an empty space. But as he directed his attention to the other corner of the room, the colors on his face drained.

Amidst the mess of metal chains and torn blankets, Isaac watched closely as the figure on the floor took a raspy breath, eyes moving behind closed lids, lips mumbling incoherent words.

“Y/N?” Isaac slowly approached, the other members of the pack on the other line calling for his attention and asking if they heard him call your name.

At the sound of your name being called, your body went rigid. Your eyes flew open, widening as you saw a shadowy figure in front of you moving closer.

“Please, no more.” Your voice cracked from the overuse as you begged, the sound of heavy metal clinking together echoed in the empty room as you backed away slowly. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again, please!”

Your frame quivered as you continued to plead, sweat mixed with blood trickled down your body as you attempted to make yourself smaller against the corner of the cell; failing from the sudden pain on the back of your neck that restricted you to move any further away from where you were.

“Y/N, it’s Isaac. I’m not going to hurt you.” Isaac ignored the voices over the phone calling for him, asking if he really found you. “You’re safe now, they’re not going to hurt you.”

Isaac almost expected for you to cower further away from him, but you didn’t – instead, you relaxed a little as his hand landed on the small of your back and the other on your shoulder effectively pulling you into an embrace.

As Isaac felt you release a breath before melting against his chest, his scent effectively calmed you down as your wolf recognized her other half. You both stayed like that for a while before he went back to examining you and what was behind you, more so what was attached to you.

Now, more diligent in his movements, his hands hovered over what seemed to be a tube attached to the back of your neck. He shifted in his kneeling position, careful not to jostle you, before taking his phone from his pocket.

“Something’s attached to her, I need to get it off-.” He informed more to Stiles and Lydia than to others present on the call.

“Don’t!” Lydia exclaimed, panicked at what Isaac was planning. “Not yet.”

“But she’s already hurting!” Isaac’s hands returned to your shoulder and back, holding you closer - as close as the tube permitted.

“That’s connected to her spine, Isaac,” Stiles added, warning him of what might happen. “If you remove it you might do some serious damage here.”

His attention turned back to you when he heard you whimper his name.

You were testing to see if Isaac was really there with you or if you were merely hallucinating again, not sure anymore of what was real after everything that happened to you for the past few years.

“Isaac?”

“Hi,” he smiled down when he pulled away from you a little, his voice shaking as he cupped your face in his hands. “I’m here.”

Your eyes focused on his face, blinking a few times before-

“No.”

That, he did not expect.

“No, no, no.” You mumbled repeatedly making Isaac more confused- were you not happy or relieved to see him with you?

“You shouldn’t be here.” As you came to your senses, you moved out of his grasp and pushed him away at the same time with the little strength you have left.

“Y/N, we came here for you. What are you talking about?” Isaac was hurt, you can see it in his face the way his brows furrowed and eyes already releasing a few tears down his cheeks.

Before you could answer back, the same ringing sounded again.

“Isaac, you have to go, please.” You cried, your own tears flowing down your cheek as you tried to pry his hands that held on to your wrists away, wanting to get out of his hold on you all the while fighting the heavy ache in your body to turn against your own will.

“Isaac, you have to get out of there!” You can hear Stiles over the phone, can hear Scott and the others running to where your werewolf was located.

“I’m not leaving her,” Isaac growled at them but his eyes stayed on you.

“You have to, plea-”

“Y/N!”

A blood-curdling scream left your lips as your body started to tremble on the floor, your bones were visibly breaking and morphing under your skin against your will yet again. The jagged edges of the broken bones breaking through skin and the movement causing purple and blue patches to decorate your flesh, all the while the liquid inside the tube that was still attached to you bubbled angrily.

“Isaac!”

Turning to the person who called his name, he suddenly felt himself being tugged down to the floor as the sound of electricity zipping past them blasted onto the steel bars of a small window on the wall overcame your pained screams.

“Y/N Y/L/N,” the static voice called.

“It’s the Dread Doctors.” Stiles’ voice over the phone can be heard, more papers can be heard being flipped and thrown somewhere. “They’re the ones doing this to Y/N.”

“I need to get it off of her!” Isaac spoke to the phone as he watched Thor lunge at one of the doctors in front of them, his clawed hand not holding back any hits he let out. Scott was next when another appeared much closer to where you and Isaac were.

Once your cries quieted down and your body settled down to small shakes - appeased from the onslaught of transforming against your will, Isaac’s hands hovered over the tube.

“You have to go before they hurt you.” It was barely a whisper when the words came out of your mouth, your body was getting too tired to fight it anymore.

“No, I’m not leaving without you, you know that.” Isaac spoke it with a voice that left no room for arguments as he held the tube in his hand and attempted to pull.

Isaac held back a sob as the screams you let out shattered through the noise of the grunts and punches being thrown. But before he could successfully pull it out, a force had hit him and sent him across the room hitting a wall with a loud thud.

“Near-perfect.” Another doctor, the same one who threw Isaac off of you, had appeared next to you with a device in his hand that, from the looks of it, controlled the tube that was pumping the liquid into you.

“Stop, please!” Your hands flew to the contraption attached to you just as Isaac charged at the doctor, sending them both to the ground.

Blinking away the heaviness of your eyelids, you tried to move from your position on the floor only to fall back down flat on your stomach. The wolf in you whined in panic, barking almost as she nudged you with her head to stand up - that you still had strength in you and she was there to anchor you herself.

“Give her back to me,” You can hear Isaac from across the room, the sight of him swiftly landing blow after blow at the doctor caught you off guard. The blood that ran down his temple to his eyes only added a level of intensity to his yellow glowing gaze as he gave a growl that had an unnerving timbre to it. “Now.”

On the other end of the room, you watch Scott claw at the doctor he was against before the mask fell off and revealed a face that was mottled, wrinkled, and scarred. If the true alpha was disgusted, he did not show it as he put his arms up to block the hit the doctor threw his way.

At the sound of a device dropping to the cemented floor, you felt the vibration of the tube behind you stop - the bubbles silencing as it halted its actions. This immediately cleared your head and relieved you of the pain, the fuzzy veil finally lifting as you took another deep breath and attempted to sit upright again.

Successfully sitting up with a few labored breaths accompanied by a wince, you lifted your aching arms and took hold of the tube attached behind you - the stinging feel of the needle made itself known as the small movement you made just from holding it jostled a little.

Taking a couple of ragged breaths again, trying to gather the courage and strength to pull the thing behind you when the air was suddenly knocked out of your lungs. The sensation of a sharp jab radiated from your side, the groan you let out echoed to the other end of the room making your eyes dart to where Isaac was.

“No,” you let out a gasp at the sight of your mate wide-eyed as he stared up at the doctor in front of him - the pain you felt on your side mirroring where the Surgeon’s swordcane embedded on Isaac’s side and giving it a twist for good measure. “Isaac!”

Your wolf’s painful yips turned to a low dangerous growl.

Feeling the familiar throb in your gums as your canines grew longer, you heard a banshee’s piercing scream all the way from the other wing of the Eichen house while a true alpha’s growl filled the place you were in.

“No more,” You say through clenched teeth, Thor’s knees buckling at the command in his alpha’s voice, Scott and the doctors they were up against stood in awe at the willpower you displayed.

“Perfect,” one of them said under their breath, the final push for perfection.

Finally standing tall, the tube attached to your neck earlier now clutched in your hand, you did not waste time as you took down each person who did you wrong.

Going for the closest antagonist in your life, Thor immediately scrambled out of your way as your claws wrapped around the Geneticists neck. You let your body move past her without letting go of your grip on her before using the momentum to lift the doctor up, the weight and force effectively disconnecting her head from the rest of her body before hurdling her to the Pathologist who was clambering away from Scott and the fight.

Everything was a blur to the other occupants of the room as you zipped past them and took down each one before you finally lunged at the Surgeon who finally released his grip on both his cane and on Isaac.

“My child-” he managed to say as your grip on his neck tightened, his feet barely touching the ground - your eyes glowing a dangerous color as you stared up at him.

You can finally see through the mask, raw pink flesh with stitches decorating it was what the steel mask protected. His mouth opened to say something but only a gurgled gasp came out as your other hand embedded itself in his chest and pierced through skin and muscle. You felt your wolf puffing up with pride and anger - you were their greatest creation and downfall.

Silence enveloped the room as the lead doctor took his last breath before you haphazardly threw him to the ground.

With his nose scrunched and eyebrows furrowed, Isaac pulled the swordcane out of him. His jaw clenching before he let out a pained groan at the feel of the weapon sliding out before leaning heavily against the brick wall while clutching his side.

Your attention was immediately drawn to your other half, managing to wipe off some of the blood on your hand before tending to him.

“Hey,” Isaac greeted as he tried to not lean all his weight to you as you wrapped your arms around his waist, careful not to touch the stab wound on his side. You felt tears playing at the edge of your lashes as you buried your face against his chest, the scent signifying home.

“Can’t really ask you if you’re okay,” You managed to say once you pulled away and looked up at him.

“You’re one to talk,” Isaac replied with a chuckle, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear before placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

You smiled, wiping the stray tear that ran down your cheek with the back of your hand as Isaac’s lips returned to your forehead for another kiss.

“Y/N, look-”

“No!”

A loud bang and the pain that came with it suddenly broke the bubble of peace you were in.

Clutching you to his chest, you saw the same confused expression that reflected on Isaac’s eyes before they darted from you to where the smell of gunpowder was coming from.

The Pathologist’s hand shook as he held the gun up, a crazed look in his eyes as he attempted to stand up from being buried under his colleague's lifeless body. He muttered incoherent words as he aimed the gun at you again.

But before he can pull the trigger, another loud thud took you all by surprise as you witnessed the man fall down flat on his face.

“Damn.” Lydia was behind him with a bloodied metal bat clutched in her hands - Stiles’ hands were up in the air, his eyes were wide as if he couldn’t believe his girl just did that.

“Well mark me down as scared and horny,” Stiles muttered under his breath, his brain replaying the moment Lydia all but took off with his metal bat and ran down the hall as fast as her heels allowed her to where they were now.

~

“Thank you, Thor.” You hugged the larger-built werewolf, his arms wrapping around you tightly but still being mindful of your current state. “But I don’t think I’m fit to be your alpha - to be the pack’s alpha anymore.”

“I will never understand how you and the others accepted me after what had happened.” Your feet dangled as you sat on a bricked fence outside of the Eichen house, the jacket from Isaac wrapped around you securely to act as a buffer against the coolness of the night.

You can hear Thor’s wolf whine at your words, his face already reflecting the sadness you both felt at what you were doing as he leaned against the fence you were sitting on.

“Alpha, please don’t discredit yourself.”

You looked up at him, not really believing his words with how much damage you’ve done to the pack - to your family.

“You are more than worthy - especially at your age.” He added, pointing out that most of the alphas out there were a hundred years older than you. “You are strong.”

“Thank you, again - for everything,” your lips quivered as you gave your best smile before glancing up to try and prevent the tears from spilling down your cheeks. The thought of leaving your pack broke your heart, they were family. But you needed to have someone better to lead and handle pack-related things -- you needed to recover.

A comfortable silence settled around the two of you before you heard Stiles and Isaac walking towards you.

“Jeep’s good to go, big guy.” Stiles said - more to Thor than you - with a tilt of his head to gesture to where they were parked as Isaac helped you to your feet and walked you towards Lydia’s car.

“You okay?” Isaac asked softly as you both settled in the back seat.

His eyes double-checked the graze on your shoulder from the bullet that hit you, his arms never leaving your side as he let you lean on him - exhaustion already catching up to you with the way your body sagged against his.

No, not really. You wanted to say as he only tugged you closer to him, the drive to Deaton being quieter save for the soft tunes the radio played.

“I will be.”

~~~

Isaac didn’t know what exactly woke him up.

Staring back at the ceiling, his ears strained to hear bed sheets rustling beside him. With the little light that passed through the curtains of the room you shared, he ran his hands down his face before turning to his bedside.

His eyes squinted when his phone awoke and flashed the time, 3:01AM it read - the phone’s screen showed a picture of the two of you together during a weekend picnic Lydia had arranged a few weeks ago. You had your eyes closed and lips smiling - a genuine smile after so long - against his neck as he had his arms wrapped around you tightly while he made a face to the camera.

Isaac stared at his phone’s lock screen a few moments longer before movement on his side and the feel of cold skin touching his leg took him out of his reverie.

Putting his phone back on the nightstand, he curled back down the covers and turned to face you. For someone who’s a warm-blooded supernatural creature themself, you sure have cold feet.

Isaac cupped your face before tucking a stray hair behind your ear, you were lying on your stomach facing him with your hands tucked just a little under your pillow. You were still in deep sleep but it did not look as peaceful as he remembered - your brows were furrowed, your lips moved as if mumbling something and an occasional hand twitch was what he observed.

“Y/N?” Isaac asked, his voice croaked from the lack of use as he leaned on his elbow and tried to coax you awake.

It didn’t take too long before Isaac finally understood what you were saying.

Please, no more...p-please.

Leaning over your side of the bed, Isaac flicked the switch to your bedside lamp open and tried to call for you again. He could now see the thin layer of sweat on your forehead, the sheets bunching up in your grasp as your knuckles turned a lighter shade from how tight your grip was.

I can’t t-take it anymore...

“Hey, baby,” Isaac gently ran his hand down your back a few times, trying not to ‘jolt’ you awake. He knew what methods to use in waking you up when things like these happen, though it took multiple trials and errors with a few bumps - more or less scratches - in the way. But god, he’d take you screaming and lashing out at him any day than this.

I’m sorry, I won’t do it again...

“Y/N, please wake up for me.”

It broke his heart more at the thought that while you were already together, even if in that span of time you were simply friends at first, they’ve already done a multitude of things to you.

“Y/N, I’m here - you’re safe.” He tried again, the soft kiss to your temple lingering a little longer in hopes that it might help - let you sense that he was present and you were not in danger anymore.

“Y/N, no one’s gonna hurt you,” He spoke softly.

Covering your clenched hand with his, it was all it took before your eyes flew open with a sharp gasp of air. It took some strength and swiftness from Isaac to hold your wrists when you sat up so fast - almost bumping his chin in the process - that you almost fell out of the shared bed.

“Hey, hey,” He called for you, your eyes were dilated, blown wide and looking around frantically as if you were searching for the threat that plagued your life a year ago and giving you these night terrors that prevented you from having a good night’s sleep.

“I’m here, you’re safe.” He repeated, waiting for you and not letting go.

“Isaac,” He waited a little more before you finally settled down and realized where you were, your voice shook a little as you spoke his name; eyes glassy as you looked at the familiar blue eyes that called for you.

“I’m here.” Isaac gave a small smile as his hold on your wrist loosened before sliding his hands in yours and holding onto them on your lap - the soft yellow light from your bedside lamp gave his face a soft glow; his eyes looking more kinder that it already was.

Not again. Your lips trembled as you held back a sob, you shook your head as you stared down at your joined hands.

You felt trapped.

That was the only thing you felt and you wanted out, you wanted this to stop; you want an end to this thing happening to you - you don’t deserve the man in front of you.

Having known you for so long, Isaac can already see it on your face, he already anticipated it.

“I love you,” He spoke.

Absolutely no room for arguments, “I won’t leave you.”

You felt Isaac’s hands rest on your hips as you withdrew yours from his hold and tried to stop and wipe as many tears as you could with the heel of your hands. He let you lean your head on his shoulder, the feel of his lips placing a comforting kiss to your ear should’ve given your heart a little leap but it didn’t.

“How much longer will you tell me that before you finally get tired?” You did not mean to say it out loud, you hiccupped once your tears finally settled down with your head and heart.

“Never,” Isaac said as he pushed you away a little to look at you, cupping your face in his warm hands to make you look up at him, a glint of playfulness present. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

You could only sigh and give a soft smile.

“You’re too good for me, Isaac.”

Bringing your hands to his lips to kiss your knuckles, he let them go before cupping your face again and leaned down to plant a kiss on your forehead, then your nose and lastly a chaste kiss on your lips.

“You deserve good things, Y/N.”

You deserve them after everything you went through. Isaac gave that smile he reserved only for you when he pulled away.

Lying back down, Isaac pulled you closer to him before pulling the covers up just below your chin.

“We’ll be okay, remember?” Isaac reminded you of the words you said to him when he asked you a year ago.

You did not miss the way he said ‘we.’ You did remember what he told you, that you were in this together - you’re it for me.

“I remember,” you answered, curling as close as you can to his side. The tip of your nose resting against the warm skin of his neck as he rest his chin on top of your head, arms tightening around you before they relaxed.

~

Feedbacks are always appreciated! Especially since I miss writing. But again, I won't be doing much writing anymore since I've somewhat lost touch with both my imagines blogs. I might just rewrite/refurbish some of my old imagines/drabbles.

Again, thank you so much for those who stuck by this imagines blog (and for Brett as well). You don't know how much I appreciate it, again, I'm sorry for not being active (read more here)

[pleasinglyforeboding]

Update on my Good Omens doll project

There's been a lot of progress since my last update. Here's some summary pics, with details about the dolls and clothes under the cut.

I hope you like hearing about this project and I am happy to answer any questions you have about how things are made and what I'm planning next. I'm going to try and update more often, with posts about individual accessories and clothes, as I've gotten better with the techniques and things aren't taking me as long.

Link to part 1

Crowley's head: I've completely redone Crowley's head as I wasn't happy with Crowley's hair colour from the first attempt. It just wasn't red enough. But I couldn't reroot that head; It was one of my first ever reroots and I used too big a needle and split the vinyl in a lot of places. The scalp was barely holding it together and it wasn't going to hold up to pulling out the hair and doing another reroot. So I bought another one of the same doll (Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Finnick) and rerooted the hair with a custom blend of red and brown saran hair. This also meant I had to redo the face and tattoo. As before, I left the shape of the eyes untouched. This time, I gave him more on an arched eyebrow. This looks better over his glasses and allows for some more variety when photographed in profile. His hair needs a bit of restyle (it's gone quite flat but he should be able to get a body upgrade soon, so I am waiting for that). Long term I'd like to look into making his short hair cut but straight short hair is very difficult to achieve on a 1/6 scale doll.

Introducing Aziraphale!

Aziraphale's head is from the Divergent 'Four' doll. If you're familiar with that movie, you are probably thinking that Theo James looks nothing like Micheal Sheen and you would be correct. Fortunately for me, the Four doll doesn't look much like Theo James so that's fine. I chose this head sculpt because it has the roundest features of all the Ken head sculpts I could get at the time. I modified the nose a little by carefully sanding the tip back to try and get some of Michael’s lovely upturned nose. I haven't captured it fully but it's a bit closer. I've tried to get his irises a stormy sea blue/grey. I think it came out pretty well and looks a lot closer to Aziraphale than I thought I would be able to get. I think the rounded eyebrows were particularly important in achieving that look. I am still trying to think of a way to blend the empty plug holes around his hairline a bit better. The hair is tightly curled 'ash blond' nylon blend (I find nylon holds a curl a bit better than saran).

I'll post about the PROCESS it has been to give this man shaped being a suitably soft corporation in an separate post because it's been a saga and I still want to make some tweaks.

Soft angel is soft.

Clothes

I've gotten much better at sewing small clothes as part of this project. Long term, I am hoping to have made every part of their two main outfits myself. So far, I have made Crowley's jeans, and Aziraphale's shirt and trousers. Crowley has the 2008 outfit (where he has long hair) and the 2019 outfit (where he has short hair). I am hoping to eventually do the jacket and vest from each but have him use the same jeans and undershirt. We'll see how I go. I love trying to get all the little details, like the rivets on Crowley's jeans and the cuffs of Aziraphale's shirt. The waistcoats are next on my list and I have already made a practice waistcoat for one of my Barbies, just so I can understand a bit more about how they work (See below).

Tall English Professor Barbie needs some matching shoes!

If you’re interested in my other Barbie collecting and crafts projects, you can follow Barbie_and_things on instagram,

[honeyimthedevil]

Tattoo artist AU

Pairing: Peter Parker x Tony Stark

Word count: 2,2K

I wrote this for a friend's birthday and they let me post it

***

Peter cleaned the exes ink from the fresh tattoo and wrapped it. He explained to the person again what he can and can’t do and then walked him out of the salon. He changed the needle, cleaned the stool and sat down, waiting for his next client.

A sleek car pulled up in front of the salon. One very good-looking man got out of the Audi and looked at the sign on top of the shop. He opened the door, making the bell over in jingle.

Peter turned around at the sound of the bell and smiled.

"Welcome to Peter's tattoo studio! I'm Peter. How can I help you?" He walked up to the person, who turned around to face him.

"Hello darling," the man smiled back at him, "I believe I have an appointment to get my first tattoo"

Peter's mouth watered at the sign of the man in front of him. The male looked strangely familiar and very very handsome.

Peter reached for his notebook and looked over the names.

"You're Tony Stark?"

"The one and only" the man answered.

"Come with me, sir"

"Please, call me Tony"

"Okay Tony. You can sit here," Peter pointed to the stool, "Do you know what kind of tattoo you want? And where you want it?"

"Yes, I know what I want. But before I tell you, your tattoos look phenomenal!" He complimented, looking over Peter's arms.

"Thank you, Tony. Will you tell me what I'm gonna be doing, please?"

"Yes. Yes of course. I want it on my side. Here's a picture" Tony got a phone out of his pocket and scrolled a little before turning it to Peter. The boy took the phone in his hands and observed the picture. It was a single red rose with the words 'love is love' in cursive along the staple.

"Okay," Peter gave him back the phone, "Can you send me the picture. You can get comfortable. You can just lift your shirt or take it of, whatever you're comfortable with"

Tony took of his shirt, revealing his scared chest, and threw it on the chair next to the bed. He was quick with sending the picture, then he lied down on the side that wasn't getting tattooed.

"Take your time, Pete" he said, looking around the room. The boy took the colors he needed and put them, along with the gun on the rollable table. He went to the computer and clicked a few buttons. The printer at the corner of the table buzzed and a single sheet of paper appeared.

"How old are you?" Tony asked, looking over Peter.

"I'm gonna tell you only if you tell me first" the boy said, taking the sheet, a spray bottle and cotton balls and putting them on next to the gun, on the small table.

"I'm 45. Now you" Tony answered.

"You don't look 45. I thought you were 35 at max. I'm 19, turning 20 in a few months"

"You're young. I, to be honest, don't remember that part of my life really well"

"Why?" Peter asked, turning to Tony, "oh, sorry. That's a personal question. You don't have to tell me"

"It's okay. I was drunk most of the time, and high, and I don't mean I was tipsy kind of drunk. I was completely wasted. I stopped drinking anything other than beer when I was 30"

"Oh. I haven't tried anything other than beer. I'm still underage" Peter said.

Tony nodded, falling silent. Peter rolled his chair to the bed and put on gloves. He opened the bottle and poured some of the liquid on the cotton.

"Do you want it here?" Peter pointed around the middle of Tony's side.

"Yes"

Peter ran the cotton over Tony's skin and then threw it in the bin. He placed the print on the disinfected stop and pressed it for a few seconds, then put it aside.

"It's not supposed to hurt much. Tell me if it does" he explained, preparing the gun.

"Okay, Pete"

The boy turned it on and the room was filled with the buzzing sound. Peter made the first line and wiped the exes ink.

"How did that feel?" He asked.

"It didn't hurt at all. You can continue"

Peter nodded and continued with the stem.

"Tony, can I ask you something?" The boy said, breaking the silence.

"Of course"

"You seem very familiar, have we met before?" He wiped away the ink again.

"Do you buy New York Times' magazines?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with it?"

"I was on the cover a few months ago"

"You were?" Peter asked, amused.

"Yeah, because I confirmed I was gay. It's been a big scandal over the years, my sexuality"

Peter got lost in his thoughts for a second.

"Wait, you're Tony Stark, the CEO of stark industries?"

"The company is mine. I'm not CEO, though"

"You're a millionaire!" Peter exclaimed.

"A billionaire, actually. Don't treat me differently because of my money. I've had enough of that"

"I won't" Peter nodded.

"Can I- can I tell you a secret?" The boy asked.

"Um, yeah, if you want to"

"I'm bi. Nobody knows, well, except you"

"Still in the closet, I see. I completely accept you. Anything else you want to get of your chest?" Tony asked.

"I'm still virgin. Don't laugh at me please. I just haven't found the right person yet"

"I'm not gonna laugh at you Pete. It rare to see that these days. Let's be real, I'm the one in the wrong here, losing my virginity at 14" the man explained.

"You were 14?"

"Yep, and it was with a prostitute. I'm not proud of it" Tony wiggled.

"Don't move" Peter gripped Tony with more force

"Sorry"

An hour later Tony's tattoo was ready. Peter wrapped it and let the man sit on the bed.

"If I, hypothetically, asked you out what would you say?" Tony suddenly blurted out.

"Hypothetically, I'll say yes" Peter answered.

"When do you finish work? I'm gonna get you"

"You're my last client for today"

"Oh, then I'll wait for you to close and then imma take you for a coffee maybe?"

"Yeah, coffee sounds good" Peter smiled at him.

Peter started tidying up the studio, while Tony sat on the stool asking if he can help with anything and the boy saying no every time. Thirty minutes more later they were walking out of the shop.

"Is this your car?" Peter asked, pointing at the flashy yellow Audi parked in front of the studio.

"Yep, my favorite" Tony unlocked said car and opened the passenger door for Peter. The boy sat in and the man closed the door, going to his seat. He breathed in the smell of the car and started the engine, driving off.

"Which coffee shop do you prefer?" Tony asked.

"I make my own coffee at home. You choose, I don't know which is good"

"I make my own coffee as well. Do you wanna come to mine?" He proposed.

"Well, if you don't mind having a stranger in your house" Peter said.

"You're not a stranger. You're Peter" the boy chuckled.

"Okay, we can go to yours" Tony nodded and continued onward.

With the music in the background, the car drive was filled with chatter. They entered the suburbs and Tony parked before one of the fanciest houses Peter has ever seen. They entered the house with Tony being welcomed by his AI. Peter looked around amazed.

"Wow, this place is amazing" the boy exclaimed.

"Thanks," Tony said, leaning on the dark leather couch, "How do you like your coffee?"

"With lots of milk"

"Of course," the man chuckled, "you heard him, J" he told, looking at the ceiling.

"Okay, boss. One black coffee and one with a lot of milk will be ready in a minute"

"Thanks J. Do you mind if I go change?" He asked Peter.

"No, not at all. I'll advise you not to put a shirt on though and you can unwrap the tattoo, let it breath"

"Okay, I'll be back in a sec.

Tony walked down a corridor and Peter was left alone in the living room.

"Mr. Parker, your and sir's coffee are ready and are in the kitchen, the second room on your left"

"Um, thank you Jarvis"

Peter went to the kitchen and took the two steaming cups in his hands. He put them on the table in the leaving room and sat on the couch. Around a minute later Tony was back, now in a pair of sweats with white socks and no shirt on as Peter said he should do.

"Thank you again, the tattoo looks amazing" Tony said as he sat down and taking his cup.

"Well, after all, that's what I do for a living"

A comfortable silence fell over them, they sipped on their coffees.

"Do you plan on going to university?" Tony asked.

"I wanted to go. I was supposed to be in MIT, they accepted me and everything. But then I discovered my passion for tattoos after getting my first one when I was seventeen. I opened the studio when I was eighteen, almost two years ago. And I love my job, it pay the bills. So what else can I want?" Peter explained.

"That's good, that you like what you're doing" Tony agreed.

They started a small chat and before they knew it it was dark outside. When Peter acknowledged that he said, "I should better get going. I don't wanna bother you"

"You're not bothering me, Pete. And since you're already here, why don't you just stay for dinner as well?"

"Well, um, okay. I guess I can stay for dinner" the boy agreed.

"Amazing! I won't try to cook anything because I would probably poison you. What pizza do you like?"

"Pepperoni or margherita"

"JARVIS, order one pizza pepperoni and one margherita, please" Tony said.

"They're on the way sir," the AI said a minute later, "and will be here in twenty minutes"

"Thanks J"

"No problem, sir"

When the pizza arrived Tony put the two boxes on the table in front of them with a pile of napkins.

"Do you wanna watch a movie while we eat?" Tony asked.

"Why not. What movie should we watch?"

"I don't know. I heard that new animated Disney movie was good"

"Do you mean Frozen?"

"Ah, yes, that one. Do you wanna watch it?"

"I don't see why not"

Without saying anything else the movie started playing on the TV.

At the scene where Anna turned to ice and Elsa's love turned her back to life Tony looked at Peter. The boy was crying.

"I guess the tuff  guy isn't that tuff" the man said, voice laced with sarcasm.

"I have two arm sleeves of tattoos, yes. That doesn't mean I'm though. I'm actually very feminine. I wear panties and I like lingerie. I would wear skirts and crop tops but I'm scared of what would people think" Peter said through tears, clearly not thinking what he's saying.

"You wear panties?" Tony asked. The boy nodded and stood up, pushing his jeans down, showing his round ass in those black lacy panties he was in. He then pulled his pants back up and sat down wiping his eyes like he didn't just showed his ass. Tony stood there looking shocked. Peter turned to him and looked at him confused.

"Why are you.... I just showed you my ass" the realization hit him like a hard rock.

"Uh huh, you did" Tony agreed, still looking shocked.

"I'm sorry, I- "

"Your ass is amazing," Tony interrupted, "I like you even more now. Wanna see it again too"

"You wanna see my ass again?"

"Yes, and to squish it in my hands"

"I have an idea"

Peter stood up again and took of his jeans, leaving them on the floor. He crawled on the couch and lied on Tony's lap, ass up. The man looked down at him even more shocked than before.

"You'll let me touch your ass?"

"Yep" Peter wiggled, making his ass jiggle.

Tony's hands settled on the roundness, giving it a squish, making Peter giggle. He didn't move his hands after.

"Can we stay like this for a while?" Tony asked.

"Okay," Peter shook his head, chuckling, "but I have a better position for that" he moved so that he was sitting in Tony's lap, their chests pressed together and the man's hands on Peter's ass again.

"Yeah that one is better" Tony said.

They didn't talk much after that. Peter stayed cuddled in Tony's chest and soon found himself drifting off. His head was tucked in the crook of Tony's neck, the smell off his cologne filling the boy's nostrils. When the man realized Peter was asleep he stood up, the boy still in his arms, and walked to his bedroom. He put the boy down and lied next to him, cuddling him from behind. Tony fell asleep too, with Peter in his arms and said boy's ass pressed against his crotch.

[pbandjesse]

Today was a good day off, but it did not exactly go according to plan. I slept okay last night. It was not easy getting to sleep. My body really ached. But once I was asleep it was okay. I woke up with James this morning. I didn't want to be awake. But I couldn't go back to sleep because he was cooking bacon and the smell was too strong. We're just kind of laying around till he left. I hope you had a good day at work. He's coming home soon. I like to get my post done earlier in the day now. When he's not here. So that we can actually spend time together and I don't after focus on this and then when I'm done he's asleep. That's very frustrating. We're figuring out a system.

I was very tired this morning though. Once he went to work I got up. I took a bath. The water was too hot. I tried to drain half of it and just put cold water in it but because the bathroom is hot the water wouldn't cool down. I did my best. Helped me feel a little bit better though.

I got dressed and came out here and made a quesadilla for brunch. Finished eating and cleaned up. And then I worked on my quilt for a while. Brooke for needles. Some places the paint was just too thick in the squares and other times I hit a beat or something. But I got a lot done. I worked until my back hurt too much to be sitting. And then I work for another 45 minutes pinning more of the squares into place. And then it was a little after noon.

I watch the new Shane Dawson doc. I worked on my Furby odd body project. Enjoyed being in the air conditioning. And then sometime around 1 I fell asleep. I slept on the couch which is not my favorite thing. But I felt okay. I woke up pretty groggy. I have snack. Woke myself up. And then around 3 I grabbed my tote bag and I went Artscape.

I went to the Art Market and bought a couple things for James. Bought myself a pin. Looked at stuff but didn't find any prints or anything I loved. There was stuff I like but nothing I really wanted to hang at my house. Maybe James will have better luck tomorrow. I had a good time people watching. I ran into a couple people I knew. It was good. But man is it hot. I do not envy anyone working outside today. I feel horrible for my ships friends and for my friends working the market. Horrible. The heat index is almost a hundred and fifteen.

Tomorrow is supposed to be even worse. I have to work at the BMI tomorrow which thankfully is inside. But I have to bike to and from work. I haven't decided yet if I'm actually going to go because of that. I'm nervous about my health. I emailed my manager on Friday and told him that I felt nervous about it and he told me I should take a lift. Which yeah I could take a left but it's $20. And he said that sometimes there are expenses that weaker commuting to work. And I just felt like it was the most condescending thing he could have said to me. Yes I know sometimes it cost money to get to work I'm an adult to. But the reason I bike to work is because you pay me $12 an hour and it's not cost effective to spend two of the seven hours I'm working there just to get through and from work. That's stupid. So I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. If I wake up in the morning and it's already in the 90s I'm not going. They don't need an educator that bad.

I finished shopping at Artscape though. Went to the historic ships booth and talk to Stephanie for a little while. And then I went to Rite Aid to cool off. Didn't have anything I wanted. So I went across the street to Blick to bother James at his new job. He was busy fixing something. And I antagonized him by telling him I was going to molest all of the brushes. Met one of his co-workers that seems nice. He looked very cute in his apron.

I went to Eddie's next and got a couple things. And then to CVS. And then I made the walk home. That was probably the worst part of the day. It just felt so far. And I was so hot. I tried to walk exclusively in the shade and that helped but still.

I got back here a little bit after 5. I water the plants I James asked and then got a quick shower. Just cooled off. I had watermelon and cheese puffs for lunch? Not sure what meal that would be. Not really a dinner. But it was very good. And now I'm just resting and waiting for James to get back here. I don't think we'll go back to Artscape tonight but I'll see how he feels. He's going to go with Brandon tomorrow so I think we already had our time walking it together last night. That's fine with me.

I'm sure what's going to happen tomorrow. If I don't feel comfortable going I won't go. They'll have to deal. It'll be fine. I hope you guys all have a great night. Sleep well. Take care of each other. Try to stay cool. Scary out there.

[justinsdaysinthedark]

Post # 6 - It is what it is

I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent the past half an hour with tears flowing from my eyes staring at a blank screen wondering how I'm going to get everything I've got floating in my head out. I suppose listening to Coldplay live in Argentina probably wasn't the best choice of music to set the mood. I'll work on that one in the future...

Where do I start? It's been a question I'm often asking myself at the start of these blog posts and it's certainly not the easiest one. What do you guys know? There's been so much happen since my last post on Thursday night.

Friday July 26th: I saw my doctors around lunchtime who came in quite concerned. Whilst they were confident my lymphoma was one called DLBCL (Diffuse Large B- Cell Lymphoma), some tests had come back with suspect results that it could be a more aggressive and harsh type of lymphoma called Burkitt's lymphoma and if confirmed, chemo was starting that night with no time to waste. There was also one marked in the middle (a cross of the two) called Burkitt's Like Lymphoma which is treated similarly to DLBCL. Whatever it was, I couldn't change it. I just wanted answers and if treatment needed to start, let's get it underway!

Adam, my incredible haematology doctor sent off another test of my gall bladder to finally get the confirmation I was after. It was urgent. He had to know. It was reassuring of Adam to state "Justin, we need to know what this is. Preliminary results are due back later this afternoon and that will hopefully rule out Burkitt's. if it is Burkitt's, we'll start chemo tonight and I'll be with you every step of the way - even if I have to stay back a few hours."

I know doctors earn a fair coin on a lazy day, but how many give you that much confidence that you and your health is important to them? I'm going to have it a guess and say not many but alas, I am so incredibly lucky with the team of doctors I have.

4:00pm and Adam strolls in the door heading straight for my room. My heart drops, similarly to what it had when Michael dropped the news I had lymphoma. "Good news. Preliminary results are back and we're confident it's not Burkitt's. You can't rule out anything in life, so there still is a small chance it could be. We're happy to wait for the final results on Monday, figure out a treatment plan from there and start Chemotherapy next week. Spend Saturday and Sunday on day leave and I'll see you next week."

This was news to my ears. In a time of what has been negative or no news, I could spend the weekend with family relatively freely and forget everything was happening for a few hours each day. My Uncle Bob and Aunty Denise were down from Tasmania to see me, as was my Aunty AJ and cousins from Bairnsdale so it all felt like it fit into place.

Friday night saw me considerably more relaxed with this news...that was until Collingwood started and it was the demolition it was. Slightly humorous side note, the nurse came in around 9pm for my nightly observations. Naturally, my heart rate was up a bit more than normal watching the football (118BPM - normally between 70-85BPM). This caused the nurse to call in the team of doctors who wanted to put me on an ECG machine for the night and monitor my heart. I assured them it was because Collingwood were on and if they gave me an hour, I'd be okay. It took some convincing, but it finally worked. Back they came an hour later and it had gone down - crisis averted.

Saturday afternoon and evening was wonderful. I went down to dads for dinner and was fortunate enough to spend some much needed time with family over a beautiful dinner and good laugh.

Sunday was much the same. I went home, mum did a fair chunk of washing for me as I spent it being me. Seeing Courtney, napping in my own bed and even headed over to Fountain Gate and got some much needed new clothes and other miscellaneous items - something that seems so simple but is such a luxury when you've spent the past 15 days in hospital.

Monday July 29th: They say the more you think positively, the more positive news you shall receive....or it goes something like that right? I woke up this morning the most upbeat and best I'd felt in weeks. I felt fine. I felt no pain, almost like I'd woken up from a shitty hotel! In all honesty, I felt like I'm abusing the system however I keep being quickly reminded how much I need to be here. Did I wake up so positive because I lived my old life for 16 hours over the weekend? Is it because I was hoping to hear a reasonably positive outcome with this lymphoma test? Probably a mix of both if I'm honest. But whatever it was, I was hopeful.

Adam came around at roughly 10:00am. Didn't really have much for me in terms of news but more of an outline of the day. If they hear the results of the test they were waiting on, they'd write me up a treatment plan ASAP and get chemo started this afternoon. At worst, I'd be starting it tomorrow (Tuesday). They just needed that definitive answer of what type of lymphoma I have - an answer I'd love more than anybody.

Either way, we agreed i'd need a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line in which basically is a long-term cannula. It runs from the inside of my arm right up and around and stops basically just outside my heart. This is for easy access for the chemotherapy and even an easy exit for blood tests - something that's proven incredibly difficult to take from me over the past few days. Additionally, these lines can last up to six months verses the three days you get from a cannula. There were too many positives to say no to!

This wasn't scheduled for any time in particular, so 1:00pm came around and I was about to be taken to get the PICC line in.

Just as I was about to leave, Adam came in with a few words I'm all too familiar with. "Well, the pathology tests we were waiting on have come back inconclusive..."

Woah. Wait. What? How do tests of my gall bladder that was removed six days ago come back inconclusive? How does one of the main sources not have enough 'data' to tell them what sort of lymphoma I have? I was just stunned.

Adam continued "As a result, we can see some signs of Burkitt's lymphoma and that's what we're going to treat you for. You're young. You should be able to handle it and it's better to over treat you than under treat and be stuck where we are at the moment. It's an intense 16-day chemo treatment that will totally wipe out your red and white blood cells as well as your platelets. We foresee you being in here for another 3-5 weeks, depending on how well your body goes getting these levels back up to normal post this first treatment..."

I honestly say this but that's all I remember from this conversation. I was hoping I'd be heading home this week but looks like that definitely won't be happening. Today marks day 40 of the past 55 days in hospital (day 15 of this stint) and if I go off the longest suggested time expected, I have another 35 days to go. That honestly crushed me.

I got taken down to get my PICC line in - quite an easy process. Very similar to putting in a larger cannula, just a whole lot longer and uses local anaesthetic as well as being guided by an ultrasound and X-ray. I'm lucky enough to have two ports, which will hopefully speed up some of my medication and how much they can pump in. Does it feel weird? The only weird part was feeling it slide down past and near my heart - but that's okay now!

By the time I return, dad made his was in to try and help process the news. We get Adam in to once again explain the process. In layman's terms, I'll be starting an intense and high-dose 16-day chemotherapy program kicking off tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. Most of the time across the next 16 days, I'll be hooked up via IV drip getting whatever medication is required. I think I saw I have rest days on days 7 & 8 which I suppose will give me two days to look forward to. At the end of the day, it's something I'm not certain on and will be a day by day process and constant learning about what's going into my body to help fight with me.

I do have one request for you all. With my body not producing red or white blood cells or platelets over the next few weeks, I do request if you are planning to visit however are sick to stay away those extra few days. With my immune system going to be at the lowest it's been, I don't particularly want to pick up something I don't need. Additionally, as much as I'd love flowers, they're also banned due to the infection risk of the spores mixing with the chemotherapy and causing some dangerous damage from the inside.

At the end of the day, if you're not sure please message me and check as I'm not entirely sure myself about everything. I'm constantly learning as I'm going.

How am I feeling? I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the unknown. How will this affect me? How bad am I going to feel? Will I lose my hair? What will my energy levels be like? In advance, I do apologise if over the next few weeks I'm not myself. Truth be told, that's because I probably won't be.

In a way, i'm finally excited to start my treatment first thing tomorrow morning (after yet ANOTHER lumbar puncture). I was so envious of both people next to me getting their first rounds of chemo today. I know mine will be intense but I just can't wait.

I've learnt so much about cancer and chemotherapy over the past four days and I know there's so much more to learn. Today I learnt I'll be incredibly highly cytotoxic, which basically means all needles and anything used on me need to go in a separate bin just for me. Additionally, I'll have to get used to the good old double flush after the toilet to ensure all waste is disposed of. Mouth ulcers are a big issue with most chemo patients as well. I'll have to start brushing my teeth after every meal and taking a special mouthwash 3x daily to assist with keeping these under control. There's plenty of other little things, but they're two I least expected.

Everything really hit me last night....not like it did tonight though. I just had twenty minutes to reflect and it just became a sudden realisation. What I'm going through is real. It's not a 'joke' anymore. It's not something they're looking at as a potential cause. It is the cause. I have a legitimate medical issue and it's finally time to fight lymphoma. All well and good to be talking the talk like I have been - it's now time to walk the walk. This sits well with me. If I give somebody my word, I do whatever I can to get it achieved. Unfortunately for the lymphoma throughout my body I've given it my word and it's time to fight it. Round one begins tomorrow morning.

I leave tonight feeling a whole lot better than I did when I started tonight's post. I didn't learn from my words earlier as Coldplay live from Argentina is still playing however I'm in a much more comfortable mind space.

My best friend of a lazy 20 years, Dylan visited tonight with his partner, Jacqui. One phrase popped up more than most and they made me aware it was a common phrase coming out of my mouth.

"It is what it is."

I can't control what's happened to me as "it is what it is." What I can control from here though is how I fight lymphoma. Thanks for the visit tonight guys, I appreciated the two hours spent here in what's been an incredibly tough afternoon.

Much love.

Juzz xx

[bitchfromthecrypt]

So....

I’m just gonna start posting chapters of my book here, cool? Cool.

Anyway this is my first chapter, I’m gonna post them in order with headings and shit.

Hopefully you all like it! And sorry about clogging up the tags!

Criticsm is always welcome and greatly appreciated!!! I’m a new author and 99% of this I’m just making up as I go lol

A widdle synopsis:

Sometimes, life doesn't go quite the way you’d expect.

Death however, never goes the way you’d expect.

Melody Adler; daughter, mother, widow.

She was a woman of many words, and even more talents, a kind soul who strives for the very best at every turn.

She longed to one day move her mother and daughter out of her rundown apartment, far away the hustle and bustle of the city.

Unfortunately, none of that matters because she's dead.

Melody woke up in the middle of an empty field, left with nothing but her new diary, her memories, a whole lot of questions and no one to ask them to.

At first she couldn’t tell if she was in hell or heaven.

Then she met Her.

And it all went down hill from there.

———————————————————————

Anyway, here’s the second draft of the book that has taken me five years and probably one more to write,

This Book Belongs To: Melody

Entry One

My dearest Valerie,

Let me begin by saying this, you are the love of my life, my heart, my soul.

The day I had you was the best day of my life.

You, my love, matter to me more than anything else in this world and I know grandmama would never let you begin to think such a thing, but regardless, I need to tell you, I would never willingly leave you.

Baby, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Sometimes, there’s no real rhyme or reason and all you can do is take what god has given you.

I wish there was some reason for this.

I wish someone would descend from the heavens and tell me exactly what I did to deserve this.

I was raised well, that's for damn sure.

Sorry baby, excuse my language.

I've never done any drugs, I listened to mama, I read my bible, I went to church and I did everything I could to raise you right.

Why am I here?

Was I kidnapped?

I don’t remember it.

I don’t remember anything after walking you inside.

It's about 70 degrees, overcast here.

All day, every day.

Until the sun sets.

If the sun sets.

When the sun sets, this little world gets so much brighter.

It brightens until the dense pine needles on the packed together trees look like tiny black specks, until the dew on the grass glistens like stars that shouldn’t be as close to you as they seem to be, until the only way to prevent yourself from being blinded is to tuck your head in your knees and cover your eyes so tightly you see spots for hours, as you somehow still manage to feel and see the bright red heat through your eyelids.

I've no clue where the light comes from.

I haven't seen the sun, the moon, or so much as a cloud at all.

Not once.

It's all so empty.

The sky, the woods, the trees, empty.

The only live things here are the grass, about a football field's length around me, and the ring of trees surrounding it.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to smell anything other than pine again.

What really makes it harder to sleep at night is the silence.

Back home, at night, you hear car alarms and sirens, and loud jazz for each and every hour of darkness.

You never realize what sounds lull you to sleep until they’re gone.

Even then, I went to the countryside, once, I know that it isn’t meant to be so silent.

Why, I couldn’t sleep a wink down there with all the crickets, foxes, and raccoons and what have you.

They spent the whole night chirping, hollering, rustling through every bush they could find.

The country isn’t quiet.

Not like this.

See, that's why I know this place isn't human.

Isn't mortal.

This huge forest full of places to hide, and hunt, with admittedly strange weather, but no civilization whatsoever?

I should be fighting off wolves for a blade of grass to sleep on.

And yet, there's nothing.

No one.

It's just quiet, deafening quiet.

There's no animal on earth that can hide well enough to not be noticed for this long.

I hit my head the other day.

Three days ago, maybe?

I'm not certain, I didn't think to bring my calendar.

I had climbed to the top of a tree, I was trying to see if there was anything in the distance.

The trees are tall, frighteningly tall, why, they must be ten stories high.

They don’t touch.

It’s like they’re a barrier, surrounding me, caging me in.

Out in the forest it’s different, much, much different.

Their branches are all tangled together, like one big knot.

There’s barely an inch of light that squeezes past the wiry little needles.

A cage in every sense of the word.

I climbed as far up as I could go before the branches were too thin to hold my weight and still, all I saw was forest for miles.

And miles.

And miles.

I think that was the moment I knew I couldn't leave.

All I could think about was you, baby.

You’re gonna be six years old soon, you’re gonna be a big girl, Val.

Grandma will take care of you, I know that.

It doesn't stop me from worrying, I doubt anything would.

It didn’t stop me from picturing you, sitting there and staring at your birthday cake.

Thinking.

Wondering where mommy is.

I passed out.

I woke up as I was falling through the trees.

I saw the ground beneath me, getting closer, and closer.

I tried to reach out and grab a branch but I couldn't quite grasp any of them.

I could only feel my body hit the rough branches as the pine needles that had looked so close to normal seemed to pierce my skin.

I couldn't stop.

I knew I would die.

I thought of our last christmas.

The look on your face when you opened your present to see that doll you’d begged me to get you for weeks.

The way your eyes lit up, as that little gap toothed smile grew on your face, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

The way your little arms wrapped around me as you screamed in my ear about how happy you were that Santa got your letter.

I knew you’d stopped believing in him a while ago, the fact that you’d pretended for my sake nearly made me cry.

I wanted you to be the last thing I thought about.

Then I woke up.

In the middle of the field.

Staring out into that circle of pine trees.

It was nighttime, and I didn't have a scratch on me.

I thought, for a moment, that I had hallucinated.

After all, I hadn’t eaten a decent meal in a while.

That’s when I realized, I hadn’t eaten since I got here.

I hadn't been hungry, or thirsty, or tired.

I hadn’t felt a thing, I hadn’t lost any weight, I’m completely and utterly unharmed.

Valerie, little valerian, I love you.

And I love you too mama, I’ll miss you both more than you can ever imagine.

But I’m not alive anymore.

And there’s nothing I can do to get back to you.

[pbandjesse]

This morning feels very far away. I had a really nice day. I can't believe that I technically work to 10 hour shift today.

Last night after I finish my post me and Jordan finished up with everything and I went to bed pretty quickly. Actually got pretty good sleep once I did fall asleep. Slept for most of the five hours without issue. So that was nice. The second blanket definitely helped.

Jordans alarm went off around 5:15 and I got up and got dressed and headed upstairs. I got the food on the stove by 5:30. Jordan didn't sleep very good. He was in a lot of pain this morning. So I tried to do as much as possible so that he could just focus on dealing with the kids and I could handle all of the other stuff. I don't work out really well. Everyone was really nice. I had a nice time making breakfast. And everyone was really nice to me. We even got a $7 tip.

It was raining outside and kind of gross though. I did my best to keep everyone on schedule and get all the cleaning done and just be ready to go. I was very pleased with myself that this was only my third Taney overnight and I'm already an excellent assistant. Like literally every time Jordan would ask me to do something I would be oh I already did that. Or he would ask me to do that something and I would say oh no I already brought down. And it was just great.

They were out of there by 8:30. And we were basically done cleaning by 9. Jordan did paperwork and we talked about race and identity and gender pronouns. He's always a fun person to talk to. Around 9:30 James and that came back from constellation. And it was nice to hug him. And by 10 we were clocked out and I called an Uber and I was going home.

My driver was funny. First of all she was in the orange car while the photograph was black. So finding her was interesting. And then her whole back seat was filled with balloons so I had to sit in the front seat. But we had a really nice conversation about the Renaissance the Baltimore's and right now and about art and teaching. She was a really nice lady. We also drove past James on his bike back to his apartment which I thought was hilarious.

Actually had a good amount of energy. My plan was to come back here and clean and try to get some stuff done and then lay down. And I kind of did that. I had breakfast and fed sweet pea. I did a little cleaning. I still need to vacuum and Swiffer but I did do some. I wrapped my Christmas gifts. Which is just an ongoing process apparently. And it was just nice. I felt very accomplished.

Around 1 I went and lay down and watched some videos. Fell asleep eventually. I woke up at 3:30 and was not pleased to be awake. But I also didn't want to sleep anymore. Like it would be really nice to keep sleeping but I knew I would completely screw up my sleep schedule tonight if I get that. So I got up.

I made some food. And I gave me enough energy to start working on some other stuff. I clean the kitty litter. And I swept. I went through the box but I keep next to my couch and pulled the couch out and put all of my nonsense stuff into the box I keep under the couch for nonsense storage. I ended up pulling my trunk from the basement that I keep all of my extra lotions and things in upstairs and I emptied it. I cleaned it out completely. I took every powdered out and I decided what was still good and what wasn't. I combined things. I went through the downstairs bathroom and the upstairs bathroom and pulled out products. Cuz ideally when I move everything will fit into that one truck. So I should not be buying anything like deodorant or lotions. I can maybe buy shampoo. I have one bottle left. But it felt really nice to organize that and get rid of an entire box of stuff.

I also went through my makeup and changed out some stuff for the week. Clean that up a little. I did a little bit of yoga. And I'm mostly been listening to scary stories and eating snacks. Sweet peas with very cute. It's been a really nice day off. A day off where I worked ten hours.

Tomorrow I have the morning off. And then I work at Wildwood until 6 and then we have our Christmas party. It's really just a Christmas get-together. But it's going to be at Mount Vernon Marketplace so I can just walk there so that's going to be nice. And I'm hoping that the kids enjoy learning how to sew and it's not terrible. But we'll see how supported I am because that's really going to make all the difference. The last time I talked to him a co-teacher couldn't help me help the kids to read their needles. And I'm hoping with a lot of practice tomorrow the kids will be fairly okay with it. It's the threading the needle and tying a knot on the end that always throws little kids off. We'll see how it goes.

I think James is going to come over for a hug after he gets done work in about an hour. And I think for now I'm going to listen to some scary stories and try to drink more water because I haven't had enough water today. I hope you all sleep well tonight. I'm not sure if I am participating in the Tumblr black out tomorrow. If I do my post will probably just be up after midnight. Unclear. Sleep well everybody.