#//I seriously doubted that I needed any other starter than that icon.

[sonofsuperman-archive]

1

Send me a number (1-770) and I’ll open my icon folder and write up a starter with that icon.|| Always Accepting

     “ Ya promise??… really, really, REALLY promise?? ”

[hurricaneonanesthesia]

Stargazing

Hi! Admin Anesthesia here! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Ahahahahahah...sorry for being really inactive. I’m still having a really bad writer’s block and this is low effort, but here’s a story I spontaneously decided to write instead of doing my chemistry homework. As you can see, I am failing said subject. Enjoy! -------------------- Summary: Dream had been missing for the whole day and George gets worried. He decides to try and find him. When he finds Dream on the roof, he doesn't know what to think.

Trigger Warnings: None

Content Warnings: Swearing -------------------- “Hey...I got your text, Tubbo. You can’t find Dream?” George asked as soon as he came into the house.

“Yeah, we-....did you run here?”

George was breathing heavily, nodding, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

Tubbo shrugged, “No reason, it just seems kinda weird for ‘just friends’ to do.”

George tried to rebut but was breathing too hard to get it through his lungs. Of course, Tubbo would still bring it up after 7 years.

"Tubbo, it's been 7 years."

"Okay? And?" The younger raised an eyebrow, "That doesn't change anything. If anything, you two have been flirting a lot more since you rejected him."

George rolled his eyes, "Tubbo."

"Whatever. Dad and Aunt Puffy's in the other room. Tell them you're here."

George just scoffed, messing up Dream's younger brother's hair up before walking into the living room.

“George….what are you doing here?” Schlatt asked as soon as he caught sight of the teenager.

“Tubbo told me that you guys can’t find Dream. I didn’t see him in school today, so I got worried. I’m here to help you find him.”

Immediately, Schlatt and Puffy gave a look at one another, which George recognized as the same one Tubbo had given him.

“Okay, you can stop that!” George huffed, “Where did you last see him?”

“Going to sleep yesterday. He was missing in the morning, but we all assumed he went to school. Imagine our surprise.”

George sighed, “He's been missing for the whole day. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, so I don't think he'd run away. Alright, can I check his room and see if he left any clues?”

Schlatt nodded, “We’ll be looking around the school for any clues. Feel free to come join us afterward. We're going around the neighborhood to see if anyone else has caught sight of him. It's getting dark.”

“Cool." George smiled as he went up towards Dream's bedroom.

He looked around. It looked the same since the last time he had been in the room. Dream's bed was made and there were fresh clothes on his bed that he hadn’t put away. George looked around his desk, only finding a note written in scribbles.

They were romantic gift ideas by the looks of it. Chocolate, flowers, jewelry, song, etc. Probably for the guy that Dream had said he was desperately in love with.

George rolled his eyes. Dream had been so insistent on him moving on from George. Something that George would never admit hurt him. Because George was in love with his best friend.

He looked around for more clues, as to find where his best friend was.

Dream's iconic green sweatshirt hung from his chair. He never went anywhere without it, whether it was just cold or if he wanted to give it to George. A gesture he did often to tease how big it looks on him.

A breeze came in through the slightly opened window and George fixed his gaze on it.

George pursed his lips as he opened the window all the way before stepping out onto the roof.

As soon as he came out, he called for Dream's name, looking around. No answer came, so he tried to walk around the room. It was pretty dark and he didn’t see where he was going, so of course, he started to trip on one of the roof tiles.

“Woah, woah, woah. That’s really dangerous. What have I said about going onto dangerous things without me next to you?”

Someone had caught him and George looked up to see Dream.

“Hey.” He felt his breath be taken away as he looked into Dream's eyes. “Did I ever mention how good you look in the night?”

“Oh, very funny.” Dream rolled his eyes as he pulled George along towards where he was hidden. A place in the roof which wouldn’t be seen when you come out of the house nor when you came out into the roof. “I’m guessing because you can’t see most of me in the dark?”

George giggled as he sat down next to his best friend, “No, I just think you look really good underneath the moonlight.”

“...oh, well then thank you.”

“So...are you going to tell me what’s up?” George asked as he noticed Dream hadn’t let go of his hand yet.

“What do you mean?”

“Well...for starters, you ditched school and worried everyone for a whole day by disappearing.”

“It’s not like those fuckers care about me anyway. All they do care about is what power I could bring them.” Dream snorted. “Which is why I’m also asking...what are you doing here?”

“I was worried and scared that something had happened. I know that you won’t believe people when they say that they care about you because at the end of the night….you’ve been through some shitty things. I know that you won't admit how bad Schlatt was of a dad to you and how you never wanted Tubbo to feel this way, but they still care about you and Schlatt is trying to become better. Even if that isn't enough to convince you, I’ve been here since the start, haven’t I? And I’m not about to hurt you...so you can trust me.”

Dream was quiet, clenching his jaw as he looked off.

George sighed, “What did you do the whole day?”

Dream shrugged, pointing to a notebook on the side, “Writing.”

George raised an eyebrow and Dream just pulled the notebook away from him and just pushed George to lay down on the roof.

He was pointing at the sky, “Ursa Major’s right there.”

George glanced at the constellation, “It’s quite magical.”

“Will you tell me the story again?”

He looked at Dream in the eyes and sat up, pulling Dream up. George held onto his hands, “Dream….what’s going on?”

“Nothing! Why would anything be going on?”

George just gave him a worried look, “I won’t judge.”

Dream sighed, “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“People leaving me. It just keeps happening. Over and over again. And I don’t know why I’m even telling you now...because I know that one day you’ll leave me too. Because no one….stays for me. Why would they anyway? I’m absolutely golden to everyone at school. Yet, I'm still the manipulative bitch to them. At one point, everyone realizes that I will never change and then they give up. They leave, wanting more than I can give and-”

George just pulled Dream into a hug. “I promise you...I will never leave you. Because when it comes to it, every part of you is amazing. Your flaws and all. Who cares what other people think? As long as I’m here for you, right?”

Dream seemed to stiffen at the hug for a second, but soon relaxed, “I guess.”

“So? Why would that make you skip out on a school day like that?” George asked.

Dream sighed, “As you know...I’ve been….infatuated with a guy.”

George's heart sank. Right. For a second, George had almost forgotten that the guy he was desperately in love with was desperately in love with another.

“Did he hurt you? Quick, tell me the name so I can hunt him down. I-”

“Nothing like that.” Dream chuckled, ruffling George's hair, “I’m just scared that if I tell him...everything will crumble down and he’ll leave. And when he leaves, everyone else will too.”

“I won’t,” George whispered, looking at Dream genuinely. “No matter who it is, I won’t ever leave you.”

“I doubt it.”

“What could make you realize that I’m not lying? That I would do anything for you?”

Dream sighed, laying back on the roof, “So...gonna tell me the story about Ursa Major or what?”

George laid next to him, humoring him as he told the story. At the end, George looked at him, “Are you seriously not gonna tell me who it is? He’s clearly hurting you.”

Dream didn’t say anything, just leaning his head next to George's and pointing to Orion’s belt.

He sighed, “DREAM!”

“Why do you want to know? Because I know that he’ll know as soon as I tell you. And I know I’ll be hurt because he’s desperately in love with someone else. I just don’t know who! I’ve known all my life that we weren’t supposed to be together, but I’m desperately in love with him and that little piece of hope is what is still keeping me going! I...want to move on...but I can’t.”

“Dream…”

“Forget it.”

George looked at Dream with pleading eyes, "Dream...please. Just tell me who it is and I’ll help you.”

And in that moment, George knew that look in Dream's eyes. Dream needed to tell someone, but he was scared.

All George did was place a hand on Dream's shoulder before Dream gave in.

Dream huffed, looking at him, “It’s you….okay? It’s always been you. ever since that first day that I saw you, ever since the first time I asked you out, every single day...I fall in love with you more. And I know it’s not healthy because you don’t love me...but you told me that first day when I was rejected that you’d give us a chance in the coming years. And I’m waiting for that chance, but I know it’s never going to come. And...you’re going to leave me soon….so if you are, please...just do it now. Because I don't want to be stuck in this rut all my life, wondering what we could be.”

George stood there in shock. Dream laid back down, turning away from him.

Dream was...still in love with George.

George gave a small laugh, “I guess that makes the two of us, huh?”

“Just go, George. I don’t want any jokes.” Dream muttered bitterly.

“No, no, Dream, look at me.”

He didn’t move, so George sighed, standing up and making his way to where he was.<

Holy shit, George did not think this through. It was really high up.

"Oh boy. I did not think this through. I forgot about my fear of heights." George muttered and Dream sighed, holding out his hand.

He took Dream's hand as he successfully sat back down. He smiled, “Thanks, Dream.”

Dream sighed, nodding. He looked away from George, but was still holding onto his hand so that he wouldn’t fall if he tried to stand up again.

George took the one not holding Dream's hand and used it to help cup his cheek, making him look at George.

Dream wasn’t ready for any sort of rejection, George could tell.

George just leaned in until they were inches apart.

“George, what are you doing?” Dream asked quietly.

“May I?”

Dream didn’t do anything, seemingly frozen.

"It's now or never, Dream." George whispered, "Because...I love you."

All Dream did was close the gap between them. George melted into it and Dream let go of George's hand to pull him closer. George hung his arm from the nape of Dream's neck, going deeper into his kiss. As they realized they needed air, George was the first to pull out.

“I’ve been in love with you since the day you offered a lollipop to me. I wanted to say yes that day you asked me out. But we were so young and everything was terrifying. I was scared that you’d leave me alone. I've been abandoned by a lot of my friends. I didn't know if you would too. So when you talked about you being in love with this other guy, I just thought that you had moved on. But here we are...standing on a rooftop 7 years later and you’re still in love with little old me.”

“You...love me.”

George nodded and Dream laughed, pulling him in for another kiss.

“I love you too.” Dream chuckled as he finally laid back again, pointing to another constellation and George finally listened, helping him name the stories related to each constellation.

[tsarisfanfiction]

I think I drank too much - with ma boi John Tracy, Eye in the Sky?

(I hope you wrestle uni into submssion)

A Bad First Impression

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Gen Genre: Family/Friendship Characters: Scott, John, Penelope

Brain is in default Scott mode (when is it not?), so more Scott than John, but it is John saying the line, so that counts, right?  Haven’t proof read this or anything, but alcohol+John gave me one idea straight away, so here we go!

4am so the other prompt currently sitting in my inbox will have to wait until post-sleep (and probably post-more uni work), but feel free to send more in!

(Uni is... not going down without a fight but I have got my lecturers on my side so it’s not quite as terrifying as it was the other day.  Still got a heck of a lot of work to do, but hopefully it’s survivable now.)

Lightheaded/Fainting Prompts (I know it says ‘starters’ but I figure as long as the line’s in there somewhere it counts).  Or honestly any other prompt games I’ve reblogged are fine, too, just make sure to tell me which one it’s from!)

Scott glowered down at his phone, where his message was stubbornly remaining as sent.  Ideally, he wanted a reply, but it had been five minutes and it still wasn’t even showing as read.

People were sending him disapproving looks, no doubt seeing a stranger with a backpack lurking outside a door and drawing their own conclusions the longer he remained slouched against the wall.  Apparently even in England, people didn’t take too kindly to loitering, and Scott would appreciate it if his brother would hurry up and let him in.

Maybe for some people, five minutes was too soon to be getting cranky, let alone worried, and any of his other brothers, in any other situation, Scott wouldn’t expect an instantaneous reply, but it was John, at midnight.  He should be wired into whatever technology he was playing and receiving messages instantly - especially as Scott should be expected.

The journey had been a long one, jet lag was hammering hard, and he just wanted to greet his brother, catch up for a bit, and then crash out on the couch.  It had been too long since he’d last seen him - why John had decided to go to college in England, Scott had no idea.

Seven minutes, and still no answer.  No little icon assuring him John had even seen it, even though John had known exactly what flight he was on and had been the one to tell Scott how long the taxi would take from the airport.  Scott had fully expected his younger brother to open the door just as the taxi pulled to a halt.

The fact that he was still standing outside, seven minutes later - and midnight in Oxford was not warm - had Scott one part annoyed to three parts worried.

The looks were getting dirtier.  He was surprised no-one had confronted him yet, and hoped that didn’t mean they’d decided against talking and skipped straight to calling the police.

“C’mon, John,” he muttered.  “What’s taking you so long?”

Looking up from his phone again - nine minutes - he caught sight of a pair staggering their way in his direction.  One was ginger, and he straightened, more than a little disbelieving when his younger brother staggered right past him without looking and pawed at the door ineffectually.

“Honestly, John,” the girl he was with - petite, blond, and in high heels that made Scott’s feet ache just to look at (his younger brothers didn’t know about his time in high heels and it was staying that way) - sighed, although the giggle that followed it ruined whatever gravitas she was trying to exude.

There were many things wrong with the sight, from John being not inside, to John looking like he’d been at a nightclub, to John apparently bringing a girl home, but the thoughts all temporarily abandoned his head as John swayed just a little bit more.

“I think I drank too much,” his brother commented, in that sort of detached fashion Scott recognised from his own nightclub experiences, and ignoring the girl, he lunged forward just in time to catch John as he crumpled.

This wasn’t the greeting he’d been expecting.

Nor was the stiletto kick to his chest, winding him and almost making him drop his brother.  It was fortunate his first instinct was always to hold on tighter, otherwise John would probably have just gained a concussion to go with the hell of a hangover he was going to be facing in a few hours.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the girl demanded, drawing herself up to her full height - and even in those dagger stilettos, still failing to reach Scott’s chin.  “Unhand him at once, or I’ll call the police.”

Scott was tired, grumpy, and had no patience for irritating girls trying to get in with his not interested younger brother.  He straightened, hefting John into his arms - he might be tall, but John had never been a challenge to lift on the rare occasion Scott had carried him - and made a show of looking down at the small female.

“And I suppose you were planning on carrying him inside?” he challenged, shifting John’s weight until he could slip two fingers into his pocket and extract his door key.

John always kept his key in the same pocket.  Scott was glad that hadn’t changed.

“And now you’re trespassing,” she huffed as he fumbled the door open.  “No-one invited you in.  Leave, before I call the police.”

“Actually, I was invited,” Scott snapped, stepping through the door.  “You, on the other hand, are not welcome.  Go home.”

He kicked the door shut with his heel, knowing Grandma - and probably John, in the morning - would be furious with him for leaving her outside by herself at midnight, but not finding it in himself to care right then.

The apartment wasn’t large, just a kitchen with a sofa and a door that Scott determined had to lead to the bedroom and en suite, which meant he heard the front door open again as he shouldered his way into the bedroom.

“Who are you?” the girl demanded.  Scott ignored her as he settled his brother on the bed - planets and stars embellishing the otherwise plain navy comforter.  “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

Scott pulled his brother’s sneakers off and set them down on the floor, making a mental note to find where John kept his shoes and put them away properly before his occasionally-clumsy brother tripped over them later.

“Why are you in his apartment?” he asked, kicking off his own shoes and letting his backpack fall onto the floor before pulling himself up onto the bed.  John could sleep in his clothes just fine, but that coat and jumper had to come off before he overheated.

“Are you stripping him?” she shrieked.  “That’s it; I’m calling the police.”

...Okay, Scott could see why it might look bad if she didn’t know who he was.

“Look, miss,” he started.

“Your ladyship,” she interrupted.

“Uh, what?”

“It’s your ladyship,” she said.  “Not miss.  I am Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward, and I insist you tell me who you are and why you’re manhandling my friend.”

“John has friends?”  John did intellectual peers, but he’d never cared for friends, mostly because he found it tiring when people couldn’t keep up with him - or tried to force him into socialising, which Scott was starting to suspect this girl, Lady, whatever, had done tonight.  His friends were computers.

“Of course he does, you pervert,” she snapped back.  “Now answer my questions, and if I don’t like the answers, I’m calling the police.”

“Perv-”  Scott interrupted himself with a sigh.  “I take it John didn’t bother to tell you I was coming to visit for the week?”

“Your name,” she insisted, and he rolled his eyes.

“Scott Tracy.  I’m his brother, so if you could stop the ridiculous accusations that would be great, thank you very much.”

“You don’t look related.”

Oh, for-

“You should see the rest of them.”  John shifted against his chest in a quickly-aborted attempt to sit up.  Scott tightened his grip.  “Scott, Lady P.  You won’t get rid of her.  Trust me.  Lady P., my big brother, Scott.  You won’t get rid of him.  Trust me.”

“John-”

“So stop arguing and let me sleep.  My head kills.  Penny, why did you let me drink so much?”

“I was curious what you’d be like drunk,” she answered, completely unapologetic.  “You didn’t tell me your brother was coming.”  She paused.  “Why didn’t you tell me when I came to get you earlier?”

“You’d have accused me of lying to get out of going,” John muttered.  “Sorry, Scott.  Thought I’d be back before you turned up.  Wasn’t expecting to drink so much...”  He trailed off with a yawn, and Scott helped him lie back down.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said - not strictly true, but as far as reunions went it was already terrible.  He had no intentions of worsening it with an argument.  “Get some sleep.  I’ll find you something for the hangover in the morning.”

John was asleep again before he’d finished talking, and with a fond smile, Scott slipped off the bed and pulled the covers loosely over him.

Then, he eyed the blonde in front of him.  John didn’t like socialising, and yet she’d dragged him out regardless - and apparently never took no for an answer.

Scott did not like the implications of that.

“We need to talk,” he said, quietly enough not to wake John, but seriously nonetheless.  Blue eyes flicked from him to John and then back again.

“Yes,” she agreed.  “I suppose we do.”

[schraubd]

Oh, Farts

I've studiously refrained from commenting on that Tablet article by Eve Barlow (in lieu of a link, please send flowers to the gravesite that marks Tablet's death as a reputable journalistic enterprise). I've been blocked by Barlow since before it was cool (as best I can tell, it's because she was unhappy that I revealed the fabrications in a different "that Tablet article"), and suffice to say I do not find her especially impressive as a public thinker. She has plenty of bad takes, and she has nobody to blame but herself that people recognize her bad takes as bad.

Moreover (this is someone else's point, but alas I can't find it), I'm old enough to remember when people were aghast at the disrespect shown when immigrant detention centers were referred to as concentration camps; those persons seem oddly less perturbed at describing social media harassment as a "pogrom". It is hardly an accident -- but still embarrassing -- that here, of all places, some amount of hyperbole or metaphor drawing on the well of violent antisemitic oppression is accepted.

But having said all that, I have been a bit uncomfortable with how this discourse is being played out. For starters, we're seeing a clean violation of my ninth rule of good internet citizenship:

Resist pile-ons. Yes, accountability is important. And yes, each individual contribution to the pile-on would typically (not always -- see death threats) be proportionate and reasonable if isolated and placed in the context of an individual, face-to-face encounter. But aggregated together, they quickly can spiral out of control, and frequently magnify all the internet's worst qualities.

That's definitely in play here. Yes, Barlow is a deeply unsympathetic actor. But eventually, wave after wave of people bombarding here with farting puns and icons and whatever else really does cease to become "accountability" or "critique" and just turns into a harassment campaign. Likewise, I'm sure that anyone whose name starts with an "-ar" sound has gotten a few stupid "fart" puns from some of the internet's more juvenile actors.* But the difference between a couple stray morons who can be easily shrugged off and harassment is quantity, and there are people who should know better who are eliding that distinction.

Most importantly, there is a great risk -- I think it's already happening -- of people functionally sending a green light to a particular form of style of antisemitic harassment. There are, it should not be controversial to say, plenty of trolls online who like nothing better than to harangue and harass Jewish public figures. And such persons are very much on the look out for styles of harassment which will garner them praise, or at least defense. If there's a way that they can make Jews miserable and be lauded for it, they'll seize upon it faster than you can say "status-production". There is little doubt that this is driving a non-trivial portion of the pile-on -- the raw glee that one can indulge in the decadence of making a public Jewish figure miserable as a Jew, and feel righteous in doing so, and be lauded as righteous for doing so. Does it help that Barlow is an unsympathetic figure? Sure. Does that suffice to explain the totality of what's happening here? No.

And -- putting aside the point that Barlow, as unsympathetic as she is, doesn't deserve harassment -- the utility of a mode of harassment that gets lauded rather than condemned will not stay confined to the likes of Barlow. While I expect this particular moment to peter out sooner rather than later, it certainly was not hard to spot "fart" responses targeting other prominent Jews as a means of demeaning them or denigrating their experiences with antisemitism. Some of the targeted Jews were also raising hyperbolic or foolish points. Others were being entirely reasonable. But the commonality, the trigger that made this response responsive was solely that the targets were Jewish or Jewish-identified, and the belief by their "interlocutors" that if they jumped on them in this way, they'd be immunized from any condemnation or critique. That should worry us.

The fact is, the mechanics of internet harassment and brigading campaigns are not new or novel at this point, nor is the easy dismissal of them by calling them "juvenile" or "just words", or insisting on the  recipient's need to "grow a thicker skin". In all cases, there will be a mix-in of explicit calls for violence or open ethnic, racial, or gendered slurs; but these are the accent points upon a base of "replies" which do not do any of that, replies which, taken as individual, can and should be easily dismissed, but as part of a larger whole and as a constant drumbeat, become intolerable. It happens to people we like, and it happens to people we don't like. But no matter who the proximate target is, we should be very, very leery of cheering it on.

* The juvenile nature of the retort is part of its insulation -- it feels ridiculous to treat it with any sort of seriousness, and that includes writing this post. This is, in a way, a very literal application of Sartre's warning about the antisemites:

They know that their remarks are frivolous ... But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. 

via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/3vM6iXU

[sophisticated-creepy]

Daybreak was bright, crisp, and exhilarating, Lola feeling every fiber of her being humming with excitement as the brisk autumn sun kissed her face. She was inspired and playful, eager to attack the morning as she initiated day one of her research plans. The more she thought about the Hobblin’ Goblin for her story, the more she realized she didn’t know the essentials to his origins. She was completely attached to the idea of him being her “Mr. Goblin”, the imaginary friend and childhood companion, and never dove deeper into why he played his pranks, only that he did, and therefore, negated any notion for further investigation. He simply existed, and her imagination conceived the rest. Even Raphael, she discovered over breakfast, wasn’t fully aware of the iconic legend’s origins, and he was a history Professor.

“I guess I don’t know him as intimately as I thought,” she said, stunned to the awakening of her own ignorance regarding the goblin.

“Don’t feel badly,” Raphael had comforted. “I have no doubt you’ll turn this story of yours into an adventure yet.”

Taking her beloved’s advice to heart, Lola got into the proper mindset for delving into the task of research. Her deadline was fast approaching, and she wanted to make as much headway as possible in gathering her facts before putting pen to paper. Five hundred words held the capability to be irrevocably profound. This challenge was an opportunity to showcase depth instead of fluff, so today was all business, strictly pounding the streets for information, putting in the hard work of sleuthing, deducing, and discovering what exactly made the Hobblin’ Goblin tick.

Since the town was saturated in claims of the goblin’s mischief, Lola decided that she would first get as many personal testimonies from the victims of these pranks as possible. Then, upon more research, she would be able to see what connections in claims could help in unlocking the mystery of the Hobblin’ Goblin, allowing her assignment to look into the character of the people affected by the imp, and give her plot heart. Her own opinions were too biased in a light-hearted, flouncy sort of parody she perceived of the goblin’s personality, and while in some cases that may translate well in a fairytale aspect of playful misdemeanors, Lola wanted substance, something tangible to pull in the judges’ interests. As she gathered enough information, she would know in which direction to craft her words.

One such person she wanted to interview first was her former retail manager Stacy. Lola had spent a sizeable amount of time as an associate of the boutique Lotions and Potions, and had a few experiences of her own in her pocket to pull from if need be, but Stacy swore up and down that the place was actively haunted, sharing her stories daily of what went bump in the night. Stacy tended to lean on the side of over-exaggeration, but Lola wouldn’t discount any leads if the potential to find a nugget of inspiration rested somewhere in the spinning of a yarn, so onwards confidently she marched, notebook in one hand, coffee in the other, and entered the establishment filled with buttermilk and bubble bath.

The familiar chime sounding as she walked through the door brought a smile to her face, however, seeing Stacy on her hands and knees in front of a cabinet of decorative glass bottles had her frowning. A clumping of paper towels and a wastebasket at an elbow told Lola that, at least, nothing dire had happened.

“Do you need some help?” Lola asked, setting her belongings on the checkout counter as she fully entered the store. Stacy glanced up from her position, giving her head a slight shake, crookedly smiling at the former employee.

“You don’t work here anymore, Lola, it’s no longer your job to help clean up spills,” Stacy remarked, carefully scooping up a glob of lavender scented lotion mixed with glass shards.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t help out a friend.” Lola went to get the cleaning supplies on hand stowed in a nearby cabinet drawer for emergencies such as these. She handed the bottle of cleaner to Stacy while she herself took up a broom to gather fly away chunks of glass. “I didn’t mean to catch you at a bad time. What happened?”

“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary,” Stacy sighed, spraying down the ceramic tiled floor, cleaning up the last of the mess. “A bottle of lotion leapt off the shelf is all.”

“Really? That’s wonderful!” Lola grasped the broom tightly to her chest in delight, a beaming smile lighting up her eyes as she turned excitedly to the woman still crawling on the ground.

“Well, you don’t have to sound so excited about it,” Stacy informed. “I mean, product isn’t cheap, you know. I’ll be out of business if things keep flying off my shelves only to have them break on my floor.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Lola frantically apologized. “It’s just…I couldn’t ask for more perfect timing. May I record you?”

“Record me? What…?” Stacy watched flabbergasted as Lola rushed to her purse resting on the checkout counter, rummaging deep within the numerous confines before emerging with a portable tape recorder. Lola immediately rushed back over to her former manager, sliding to her knees, shoving the recorder up close to a bewildered Stacy’s face.

“How did the bottle fly off the shelf? Did you hear a noise prior to it falling, or after? Like, maybe a thumping, dragging sound? Was there an ominous presence before it happened? Did you see a shadow figure? Do you believe this was the work of the Hobblin’ Goblin?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Stacy laughed, rearing back on her haunches, straightening away from Lola’s tape recorder and barrage of strange questions. She couldn’t help but find humor in Lola’s exuberance. “Ease up there, gumshoe. Are you playing detective now, or something?”

“I’m in the middle of an investigation for the creative arts,” Lola declared seriously.

“Sounds important.” Stacy got to her feet, taking with her the wastebasket and cleaning implements, stowing the items behind the main counter, Lola a closely following shadow.

“So, about this incident with the lotion bottle…do you think it was a prank caused by the notoriously reputable Hobblin’ Goblin?” While leaning over the counter, Lola held her tape recorder out to Stacy. “Try to speak slowly and clearly. And enunciate,” she added, demonstrating her instructions in the same manner she wished her friend to speak.

“Why are you asking so many questions about the Hobblin’ Goblin? And why are you using a tape recorder? Do they even make tapes anymore? There is a thing called ‘digital’, you know.”

“First of all Stanley,” Lola began, indicating her tape recorder’s name, “has been with me since the beginning. He was there when I got scared by a bird that one time during an evening stakeout.”

“When did you---?”

“Secondly,” Lola interrupted, “I’m asking these questions because I’m working on a story about the Hobblin’ Goblin. Weird things happen in here all the time, and I wanted to get some of your stories and see if they line up with our local legend and his patterns for hauntings.”

“Well, that makes sense,” Stacy said with a smile. “I’d be glad to talk about the hauntings that happen here. I have plenty of stories to share.”

“Great!” Lola cheered. “Let’s get started with what happened right before I walked in.”

“Oh, that was nothing,” Stacy stated, waving her hand dismissively at the cabinet full of fancy lotions. “That was probably a case in gravity, if I’m honest. The truly weird things come about in the early mornings when I’m trying to get the store ready to open.”

“Tell me about these weird things.” Even with her recorder rolling, Lola still took handwritten notes to capture important details in the moment so as not to miss an idea that could be overlooked when reviewing the tape several hours later.

“For starters, it’s like I’m being watched,” Stacy described. “I can feel eyes on me, observing me, and it’s very unnerving. Sometimes I hear footsteps following behind me, and when I turn around to look, there’s no one there.”

“What kind of footsteps? Is there a limp? Are they heavy set? Quick?”

“More of a gentle shuffling,” Stacy clarified. Lola frowned while marking in her notebook.

“The Hobblin’ Goblin is supposed to walk with a crutch, so his step pattern should be different than ‘normal’ sounding footsteps,” Lola voiced her thought aloud. “Is there anything else out of the ordinary that you can think of? Maybe something that pertains to the goblin himself?”

Stacy thought hard, trying to recall occurrences of the abnormal befalling her boutique. “Sometimes I hear breathing,” she said at last. “And sometimes, things will fly off the shelves. I’ve had the record player cut off on me once or twice as well.”

All of Stacy’s stories sounded more of a casual haunt than specifically that of a trickster, the activity appearing more benign as opposed to mischievous. Lola wanted to stay as open minded and unbiased as possible as she asked her questions to help form her story, but she was honestly hoping for something more lively and extraordinary. “Can you tell me of anything…fun?”

“Fun?” repeated Stacy.

“I mean, has anything…I don’t know…silly…happened in the time you’ve experienced these haunts? The Hobblin’ Goblin is a light hearted trickster, he plays pranks. Do things go missing only to turn up in the most random places? Do the lights flicker as if to say ‘hello’?”

“I had a pen thrown at me,” Stacy shared. “I wouldn’t necessarily call that ‘fun’, but it was the most out of the ordinary incident to have happen to me.”

Lola perked up at hearing the news. “What were you doing when that happened?”

“Actually, I was talking with a customer about the Hobblin’ Goblin a few days ago,” Stacy recalled, the memory of the conversation returning to her mind. “When it happened, I just laughed, figuring he must not have appreciated what it was I had been saying.”

“What did you say?” Lola’s sparkle was back in her eyes as she eagerly listened to what Stacy had to tell.

“I said I thought that he was childish, and that there were a lot more scary things out in the world than an imp who merely liked to play tricks.”

“Oh, Stacy,” Lola admonished, clicking her tongue reprovingly. “That was cruel.”

“How was I being cruel?”

“You said his pranks were childish like it was a bad thing,” Lola pouted. “Goblins are generally mischievous, and you insulted him. I think you might even have gone as far as to hurt his feelings.”

Stacy laughed. “Why am I not surprised that you would defend the Hobblin’ Goblin?” The door chime announced a new arrival walking into the boutique as the friends were sharing a laugh. Stacy looked over Lola’s shoulder to greet the person, smiling friendly as she recognized the mail carrier. “Good morning, Joyce.”

“Good morning, Stacy. Morning, Lola,” the mail woman greeted. “I haven’t seen you in a while, little miss. How’s tricks? Staying out of trouble?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Lola jest. “Hey, Joyce, do you have any stories of being pranked by the Hobblin’ Goblin?” Lola turned her recorder towards the mail woman, prepared to document the newest insights into her subject matter.

“I have no time to deal with pranks,” Joyce stated. “I deliver the mail, and go about my day peacefully. I don’t call upon the Hobblin’ Goblin to play his tricks on me.”

“Meaning, she’s afraid of him,” Stacy snidely commented good humoredly.

“I respect the spirits, Stacy,” Joyce quipped in return with a smile, no malice exchanging between the two friends. “Why are you asking?” she then asked Lola.

“I’m doing research for a story about the goblin, and I wanted him to have some authenticity to his character,” she answered.

“I see. Just be careful where you go poking around,” cautioned Joyce. “You don’t want to inadvertently stir up trouble.”

“Actually, I think she does,” Stacy teased.

“More or less,” Lola agreed. “Thank you for your concern, Joyce. I’ll make sure I’m careful,” she promised.

“You’ve got a good heart, Lola, I’m confident you’ll be safe.” Reaching into her mailbag, she passed a handful of envelopes and a newspaper to Stacy. “You be careful, too.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Stacy defended.

“Yet, but I know you also like to go looking for trouble. Have a nice day, ladies.” With a tip of her hat, and a wink of an eye, Joyce left the boutique.

“I should probably get going, too,” Lola sighed, shutting off her recorder and gathering her belongings. “I was going to see if maybe Mr. Jasons would be interested in sharing some of his stories next. Thanks for letting me bother you.”

“You weren’t bothering me in the slightest,” Stacy assured as she began filing through her mail. “Oh, hey, look at this,” she said, unfolding the newspaper to read. “The old train yard at the Miners Museum made the front page.”

“Neato,” Lola responded automatically, only half listening as she slung her purse over her shoulder, her mind already on her next objective.

“Oh, my God! Someone was attacked!”

“Wait, what?” Stacy’s declaration fully captured Lola’s attention. “What happened?”

Stacy’s eyes furiously scanned the front page, speed reading as much of the information as she could. “The police aren’t sure,” she shared after a breathless pause. “They say a security guard was pushed down while chasing away some kids during the middle of the nightshift rounds. He hit his head on the railway of the old mine train. He has a major concussion and a fractured skull.”

“That’s horrible,” Lola gasped.

“It continues to say that another guard found him in the train yard shortly after he fell. No evidence, however, of the kids, allegedly, playing around the site could be found,” Stacy concluded.

“Poor guy,” Lola sympathized. “Are they sure it was kids mucking about, and that he didn’t just accidently trip?”

“Looks like it,” she validated, continuing to rove the paper. “The second guard states the first guard, the victim, went to go chase away the kids playing by the mineshaft when they saw flashing lights from the security monitors. Here’s a picture of the scene.” Stacy turned the paper around for Lola to see the front page where a photo of the old steam engine and mine were pictured, and with it, just on the outer margins, was the backdrop of the Dead Forest. Lola felt a chill creep down her spine as she looked at the newspaper. Something ominous radiated from the main image, and she squinted critically at the photo, taking the paper to examine the image closer where a shadowed form blending into the tree line, a darker mass of shapes, hovered half-cropped out of frame. The anomaly warranted further investigation, and Lola knew just the person from whom she wanted a second opinion.

“Do you mind if I hang onto this?”

“You can keep it,” Stacy offered. “I don’t read much from the paper anymore.”

“Thanks,” Lola said distantly, her eyes glued on the blurry, pixelated blob. She began to turn and leave when Stacy summoned her back.

“Little witch,” she called. Lola blinked, focusing on Stacy. “Are you planning on flying out of here, or may I have my broom back?”

“Hmm? Oh! My bad,” Lola chuckled, embarrassed. “Sorry about that.” Lola leaned the broomstick she had been holding onto since helping clean up the broken bottle against a cabinet. “I didn’t even realize I’d still been holding it.”

“It’s hard for a witch to hide what comes naturally,” Stacy joked, giving Lola a look that spoke of amusement.

“Thanks for not blowing my cover,” Lola kidded back. “And thanks again for sharing your time and stories with me, I really do appreciate it.”

“Of course. Don’t be a stranger.” The two waved their goodbyes, and Lola stepped out onto the historic cobblestone, once more lost in the picture of her newspaper.

“There’s just something ‘off’ about this picture,” Lola murmured to herself. “I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m hoping Modesta can.” Folding the newspaper back into its original shape, Lola cradled the bundle into the crook of her arm along with her notebook, her coffee in one hand, and set her confident march towards her friend’s shop of Curios and Oddities.

~~~~~~~~~~

[stardust-simming]

Each of Cumulus and Fig’s children are creative’s; Cordial a pianist, Azalea a violinist, Orchid a writer and painter, Lavender and Fig painters. Though for most of them, it’s just a hobby. But, for Orchid, it was what she wanted… What she felt was for her to do. In the future.

Orchid grew up having strange dreams.Dreams of a woman named Calico. Calico was a pirate with multiple female lovers and a ship that had no crew but that didn’t have cause any issues. The ship could sail and navigate all on its own and, aside from a few barnacles, the ship was in pristine condition. She would use the dreams to write compilation books for publish while she was in high school.

Orchid was not close to her siblings. She preferred solitude to paint or write. In her early teens she convinced Lavender to wear a purple contact because she was not a fan of how similar they looked. Despite all that she does love her siblings.

After high school, Orchid signed up for, and got into, a writing program in a college abroad. Cumulus was opposed to her doing it because it took her baby out of the county. But Orchid had always been independent and there was no talking her out of something she wanted to do.

Her father, however, was all for her going. He hoped the distance would help her appreciate her siblings more. He’d known as soon as she announced that she got in that she would be going because, thanks to Cumulus, she typically got her way.

In the end, as predicted, Orchid, fresh out of high school, was leaving the county and taking part in a program she had signed up for without getting adult permission. Her siblings were pleased with that. Finally some attention for them.

Orchid left as soon as she could, eager to get settled in and begin to work on her writing. She had writing tunnel vision, so to speak. Writing was her world… with painting as a close, close second. She didn’t have any trouble traveling. Actually she’d slept the whole flight.

Post flight, Orchid got lost quite a bit on her way to the campus. It wasn’t until it was quite late that she decided to ask for directions. The first person she saw was a man that looked really, oddly, familiar to her. So familiar that she thought she was going crazy and, without thinking, she called out… to Calico, her pirate dream.

The man turned and looked at her, surprised. Him facing her didn’t really help her confusion.

She soon discovered his name was Calico Cider and he was in a program like the one she was starting, only for cooking. So he helped her get to the campus. On the way they got to know one another. He was twenty, She was eighteen, he was an only child, she was not, he wanted to become a chef, she was a self published author who wanted to further her career and she really wanted to do more that her Captain Calico stories.

Upon hearing Captain Calico, Calico froze and his jaw dropped. Apparently he’d read them. All of them, not that there were many of them, and he was a fan, much to her dismay. However, she didn’t want to be too rude, so she smiled and listened to his excitement, his questions and answered what she could.

Oh, um, I’ve always had these dreams about her so I wrote them. You and her actually look so much alike it’s so weird for me. She’s not ready to settle down yet. Just because she self identifies as a pirate doesn’t mean she actually is one. I honestly don’t know yet if she’ll hook up with Lady Jackfruit again. I’m glad you think of her as a lesbian icon… but she’s not a lesbian.

That last answer always throws people. She understood why. No one’s seen the Captain with anyone but women. But Orchid gets this feeling there’s more there then a fondness for the female form.

Calico seemed surprised for a moment after he took in her responses. Then he thought about it. Next thing Orchid knew he was agreeing with her.  That there was more to the character than readers knew, hmm? And what’s the deal with her ship? Oh, the Duchess is sentient and can control anything on the ship. What?! How did that happen? A woman rejected a Sea God for a merchant so he changed her out of spite.

By the time they made it to the campus, Orchid found herself more comfortable with him then she’d ever been with anyone. Not that she actually socialized much outside of business calls to her editor or beta readers.

Orchid was, usually, weird about talking to people. Probably because she sometimes wanted to blurt out that she had a weird, atypical, unusual family history, in that her mom had a pseudo-incestuous relationship with three out of her five adoptive siblings, because that sounds like a good conversation starter to her.

However, with Calico there was no desire to blurt that or any other odd SugarVeil family detail. Actually, she was a little afraid that once she got settled in she wouldn’t see him very much and they wouldn’t get to talk again.

Luckily, seriously luckily, it turned out that they were two of six people that would be sharing a floor of one of the campus dorm buildings. Which made Orchid so happy. Then she met the other people that would be on there floor. There were two other writers; Wisp Vellum and Honey Bee, another chef; Apricot Citrus, and a painter; Rose Blossom.

Wisp was a Raw nineteen year old that published a novel called Madame Moth’s Carnival under the pen name Pixie Rose. She even created a whole persona and disguise for Pixie. But her pride in her work made Wisp to came out as Pixie.

Honey Bee was just starting as a writer and has yet to actually write any stories. She’s been trying to find a perfect story to start her career with. Orchid’s not entirely sure if Honey really wants to write, but she would never call someone out like that.

Apricot Citrus… son of a chef whose the son of a chef whose the son of a chef and so on  and so on and so on. Cooking’s in his blood. But Apricot? He wants a family, a loving family that he can shower with love… and cookies… and cakes… and brownies  and so on and so on and so on. Point is, he’s there to bake.

Rose Blossom is something else… in a good way of course. Their twenty-two and such a sweetheart from what Orchid can tell and she couldn’t help but gravitate toward them. Rose could be described as sensitive but so could most artists. They put everything they have into what their doing and get genuinely upset if it turns out even the slightest bit wrong. They’re married and their spouse is currently nearing the end of the couple’s first pregnancy. While they would love to be home preparing for the baby, their spouse insisted they take part in the program and learn new techniques so they can make more from paintings sold.

Upon first meeting them, Orchid was intimidated but the other two writers. She adored Madame Moth’s Carnival and thought it was sooo much better than what she’d written. Then as a still unpublished author Honey still had sooo much potential. Meanwhile Apricot and Rose sort of reminded her of her family; Apricot’s flirtatious nature mirroring how her older siblings behaved together and Rose being a mixture of her parents, little sister and her uncles. That thought made her uncomfortable while around Apricot.

For the program, they had classes regarding the subject they were there for most of the day a couple days a week and the program lasted one year. Which was fine with Orchid, a person could learn a lot in that amount of time. Then when they weren’t in class they could network and build friendly relationships with other people in the programs. In case they may want to work together in the future. It was a great way to build a career and improve their trade.

During her time in the program, Orchid worked on what she called the last Captain Calico book, improving it and tying loose story threads as she learned new things. It sort of took up most of her time but she still managed to get closer to Calico and befriend Wisp and Rose. Honey learned that Orchid doubted her actually writing and, well, their friendship was over before it began. Then Apricot didn’t even notice her there.

With how close they were Orchid found herself accidentally falling for Calico.  Being awkward she never mentioned it or acted on it. But Wisp told her it was obvious how she felt so she hoped he’d do something.

Oh he did something alright… He dated other girls. Girls Orchid didn’t think was his type but maybe he only really like intelligent conversation when it was with her. Either way, Orchid was hurting. This was the first time she’d felt strongly for a real person and she didn’t have the nerve to tell him. So, like a good friend, she choked on her feelings and continued to be there for him. How Orchid handled that actually pissed Wisp and Rose off. They were routing for her but they did understand what happened. How was Calico supposed to know to do something when, as far as they knew, he had no idea how she felt.

Calico, as much as he liked to play dumb, could tell how she felt. Orchid had quite expressive eyes that lit up around two things, that he’d noticed, Him and raspberry pudding. He had wanted her to tell him herself as, while he felt the same, he didn’t know how to tell her. So until he figured it out or it burst out of Orchid he decided to spend some time with girls from one of the classes he was in. Which from the outside looked like he was dating other girls.  

When she wasn’t in class, writing or stressing over Calico, Orchid emailed and IM’d her family. She’d never admit it to them, but she did miss them. Well she didn’t miss Cordial and Azalea’s weird need to be with each other constantly. But she gave her family weekly updates on most of what was happening with her.

Next thing she knew her birthday arrived, almost halfway through the program, and Wisp decided to take her out. A fun evening out. Their floor and some people they’d gotten friendly with came a club off campus to celebrate. Well to drink and dance. That was the first time Orchid had ever drank. And the birthday girl went overboard.

She liked how warm it made her feel and she couldn’t stop giggling.

That night she made her feelings known to Calico. Well he already knew… So she acted on her feelings for Calico. To keep her from getting alcohol poisoning, he had pulled her out onto the dance floor. They began to dance together, eyes glued to one another and the air around them felt… electric. Orchid, filled to the brim with liquid courage, decided to make her move then.

She wrapped her arms around him, draping them over his shoulders really, grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his face to her level as Calico was a foot taller than her. Then she kissed him… hard. Her grip on him was firm and she seemed… determined. All Calico could do was react. Which he did by pulling her body to his and grabbing the backs of her thighs, lifting her and wrapping her legs around him.

Things sort of went downhill from there. Orchid released his neck and pulled back from the kiss. Her face was flushed and her eyes darted around the room. Then… she vomited all over them.

Calico handled it like a champ… unlike the people around them. Without putting her down, he rubbed her back and carried her back to the dorm. He made sure to tell Wisp before leaving but taking care of Orchid was his first priority. By the time the got back to their floor she’d sobered up a little and was embarrassed about throwing up. He assured her it was fine and he gave her some water and helped her get cleaned up before tucking her into bed.

It took a couple days for her to look him in the eyes again. In her embarrassment she decided to… avoid Calico and really focus on finishing her book. Occasionally she notice him pouting as she evaded conversations with him.

After a week passed Calico confronted her. He tried to remain calm as he spoke to her about what happened and asked her about avoiding him. But really he ended up angrily telling her that he loved her and their kiss was great, aside from the fact that she was drunk and puked all over them. When he finished they stared at each other in a stunned silence. Which he broke to apologize to her for how him spending so much time with other girls must have looked and that nothing happened with them, they were just friends talking about recipes. To shut him up, Orchid kissed him.

It was sudden and similar to how she had on her birthday. This time Calico was too surprised to respond. Apricot, who was passing by when she’d done it, told them to get a room. A sentiment that made the two separate and laugh.

Apparently, that whole time, Apricot paid her no mind because well he had eyes, he could see he made her uncomfortable. Also, he thought she and Calico were a thing.

Shortly after the two did begin a relationship. They would spend almost every spare moment together. He gave her space when she wrote so he wouldn’t spoil himself. But, Orchid, without a second thought, was quick to spoil him. Oh, and Captain Calico ends up with Prince Thistle. What?! No way! Not once have you ever- Indicated she has feelings for him? Yes I have. He’s the one person she’s sweet on that she’s never even tried to sleep with. She’s like that because she actually thinks sex ruins a relationship and she doesn’t want to ruin anything with him.

She knew she shouldn’t have told him about that. But she really wanted to after be made her hurt on an emotional level for months. Though… To be fair, at the time, he’d really only said he was going to hang out with someone. So really she had jumped to conclusions on that one.

When Orchid finished her latest book she asked one of her teachers to edit it for her. The teacher; Ms Tea Melon, read all of the other books in preparation for the edit as Orchid requested. She wanted to be positive that there were no gaping plot holes.

To her delight there wasn’t. So she fixed what she had to, which was mostly grammatical errors, redundant words, misspellings. Then she published the book titling it The Final Adventures of Captain Calico. It was a big hit.

[diamond-song42]

The Nonsense Thing in Diamond’s Head Today 4: My Favorite Pokemon

*Lusamine header for no reason whatsoever*

Diamond here with another weird thing. To further expand into Pokemon-related topics, I thought I’d teach you a bit about me and direct your attention to my header photo. That is a grid of my favorite Pokemon of each type. Why did I choose those? What significance do they have? You’re about to find out! I will list these in order by type - I have no real order for which ones I like more than others. Let’s get started!

GRASS: SERPERIOR. Serperior is the final form of Snivy, the Gen 5 Grass starter. I pick Serperior for two reasons. First, its Hidden Ability. Contrary is one of the best abilities in the game. Serperior uses it masterfully. It has access to Leaf Storm, a move that usually lowers the user’s Special Attack. But with a Contrary Pokemon, that Special Attack is going straight up. Yes, each turn a Contrary Serperior uses Leaf Storm, it will only get stronger. If that’s not fabulous I don’t know what is. Reason 2: It just looks so cool. It’s a 10'10 snake. It could literally kill and eat you. So regal and snaky.

FIRE: INFERNAPE. Infernape, the final form of Gen 4 Fire starter Chimchar. Infernape holds special significance to me. I started my Pokemon journey with Pokemon Diamond, knowing nothing about the game or creatures within. Chimchar was my first. Yes, Chimchar is my equivalent to Ash’s Pikachu, Brock’s Steelix, May’s Blaziken, Dawn’s Piplup, Serena’s Braixen, and Lillie’s Vulpix, Snowy. Infernape and I went through a great journey together and I couldn’t ask for a better partner.

WATER: SHARPEDO/MEGA SHARPEDO. Though Infernape might be my first, Water is in fact my favorite type. Sharpedo, Archie’s partner, wasn’t a Pokemon I gave much thought to until Gen 6. Gen 6 gave it a pretty great boost with a Mega Evolution. There’s a combination I like to use with my Sharpedo. First, I protect it for a turn (or two if I’m lucky) and let its Hidden Ability Speed Boost bulk it up a bit. Then I Mega Evolve it and let Jaws tear up the field. It’s a Pokemon that can use Strong Jaw to its advantage! Not to mention the Mega Evolution is sick. It’s super big and has spikes protruding from its nose. You are not safe. I’m still waiting for a Pokemon parody of Sharknado with Sharpedo. It is my first and favorite choice of Mega.

NORMAL: SILVALLY. Here’s another one falling into the “Cool Looks and Ability” category! It’s Gladion’s best buddy and discount Arceus. The discount Arceus factor is part of my reasoning for choosing it. The other is its utter versatility. All its stats are equal, meaning it has ground as a Physical Attacker, Special Attacker, or maybe both. Its signature move, Multi-Attack, will always be STAB, Memory or not. And have you seen Gladion’s Silvally? So cool.

ELECTRIC: LUXRAY. The electric lion of the Sinnoh region takes this slot. I’ve always liked Luxray’s appearance. That jet black fur with the gleaming eyes is really intimidating. Speaking of Intimidate, it has the ability going for it (even if its stats are trash). Not sold on why you should like Luxray? Look at Clemont’s. He’s so cool. He’s Clemont’s war beast that lights up the field with Electric Terrain and jumps on Ash. “A Campus Reunion” is one of my favorite episodes of X and Y, and Luxray is a big part of that.

PSYCHIC: MEOWSTIC. Oh yes, I am choosing the advanced version of demon spawn cat Espurr for this one. Meowstic has a unique concept in that both genders have different appearances, movesets, and abilities. Females go on the offensive (which is awesome in itself), while males stick to defense. The male sticks out here for me because he has access to Prankster, a great ability that gives priority to status moves such as Swagger, Taunt, and Torment. The female has access to Competitive, which is okay but not as great as Prankster. The male also just looks cooler. The vivid blue with white stripes just feels better to me than vice versa.

FIGHTING: LUCARIO. The Pokemon that helped decode the mystery of Mew! I love Lucario. It has reached the iconic state shared by Pokemon such as Pikachu, Charizard, and Mewtwo. While it may not be the best stat-wise, its character makes up for that. It’s a loyal puppo that can throw Aura Spheres and make bones in its hands. I mained it for a while during Smash. And can I add how cool it is in the anime? Maylene’s Lucario takes no shit from her because it knows she can do better. Cameron may be a pathetic rival, but his Lucario is really tough and relatable (seriously… have you seen it eating ice cream?). Korrina’s Lucario is loyal and truly wants to improve when it can’t control its Mega Evolution. Lucario’s Mega is cool, but underwhelming compared to others. I will always stick with my original Fighting-Steel puppo.

ROCK: LYCANROC MIDNIGHT FORME. In case you didn’t get the hint from my Lucario analysis, I love dogs. Lycanroc is an awesome dog. Three forms, all with different strengths and cool links to the elements. None of them are the most superior in competitive play, but they’ve already become infamous among Pokemon fans. I choose the Midnight Form as my favorite because it’s an awesome rock werewolf. It just looks so cool! It also executes its special Z-Move, Splintered Stormshards, the snazziest. Midday Lycanroc is a standard loyal Poke-doggo, but it doesn’t have the same charm as Midnight Lycanroc for me. Dusk Lycanroc is a fusion between the two, but my OCD will not ignore that blue and red do NOT make green. I’ll battle with my loyal, badass lycanthrope any day!

GROUND: MUDSDALE. THE GORGEOUS HORSIE OF THE ALOLA REGION! The minute I laid my eyes on Mudsdale, I knew it would be awesome. I doubt you’re surprised if you read my content. I love how it’s based on the Clydesdale horse, which can get HUMONGOUS. (Google them!) I’m 5'9 and I could ride this if it was real (unlike Charizard)! Its Stamina ability is superb and has helped kick my ass many times. Plus it has cool dreadlocks! Not to mention its connection to Hapu, a perfect cupcake of a Pokemon character. I fully expect that Pokemon theme park that’s opening in 2020 to have a Mudsdale merry-go-round. I NEED TO RIDE MY PONY.

FLYING: DRIFBLIM. Gen Z, a long time ago when we played with Wiis, we had a game called My Pokemon Ranch. The game allowed you to watch Pokemon up to Gen 4 and transfer your own Pokemon from Diamond, Pearl, and Platinum. You can also visit other people’s ranches, and when you do, a Pokemon close to you follows you. That Pokemon for me was Drifblim. The dopey-looking balloon thing from Gen 4 was glued to my side when I visited my friends. I’m amused that it’s gaining some viability in tournament play now with Tapu Lele and Unburden. My choice is less about the tournament play and more about how a balloon was my best friend in a cheesy Pokemon spin-off.

BUG: SCOLIPEDE. The largest Bug-type in the Pokeverse. I was still a little naive when I got Pokemon Black. Scolipede was one of my first captures in the game and became a staple of my team. I love its design. Most Bug-types are pretty small and don’t intimidate the opponent too much. Scolipede does this. It’s even larger than Buzzwole and Pheromosa! The stats and abilities got a mild boost in Gen 6, with the Attack gaining an additional 10 points and its Hidden Ability becoming Speed Boost. I do believe my wonderful horror movie beast is underrated and should get more appreciation instead of being delegated to an antagonistic role in the anime.

POISON: MAREANIE. James’s latest crush also has a spot in my heart. Mareanie has a wonderful design. A blue and purple color palette that can poison a person with less effort than Nililego. Mareanie and her evolution, Toxapex, have access to two boss abilities, Merciless and Regenerator. Toxapex is cool, but it’s a theory I have with Mareanie that causes the pre-evolution to win me over. If Mareanie can fully wrap herself around James’s giant head, it could wrap around my torso and carry my necessities in its tentacles. It’s a companion and a backpack! Thank God for Mareanie.

DARK: WEAVILE. Another Pokemon I have fond memories of from my Diamond and Pearl days, Weavile is the long-awaited evolution of Sneasel from Gen 4. I caught a Sneasel and played around with her for a while… AND THEN MY NAIVE BUTT LEARNED HOW YOU EVOLVE IT. I patiently waited until it became dark outside and I leveled Sneasel up and BAM WEAVILE. Weavile became one of my most used Pokemon in that game. For tournament play, its stats are actually pretty good, and both its abilities (Pressure and Pickpocket) do damage in different ways. And it just looks so menacing! That’s what a Dark-type should be.

GHOST: MIMIKYU. I mean… what’s not to love about a Pikachu clone? Okay, it’s not a clone in the essence of Pachirisu or Togedemaru. The concept around it is so heartbreaking and creepy and lovable. Unlike most Ghost-types, Mimikyu just wants to be your friend! It’s super powerful, too. Its Disguise ability is amazing and can change the dynamic of a battle in seconds. Its typing also gives it few weaknesses and THREE immunities. And need I mention the Z-Move? It’s the best Z-Move I’ve ever seen. Splintered Stormshards is cool, but you really need to look out for the dreaded Let’s Snuggle Forever. Mimikyu just wants to do its best for you and you should love it.

ICE: ALOLAN VULPIX. Yes, Snowy is in on this! I’ve always loved the Fire-type Vulpix. But when it gained the Ice-type, it became 10 times fluffier! It’s a walking cotton ball! I’m disappointed Build-a-Bear only has the Fire variant because I want to get the Ice variant and hug it and love it and pet it and squeeze it. And y'all know by now how I feel about Lillie and her family. Snowy is so supportive of her! Even though she’s the youngest Pokemon of the main characters, she clearly understands Lillie’s past and trouble with touching Pokemon. She gives Lillie a nice distance while staying close. One of the most supportive Pokemon I’ve ever seen. And I want one as a pet. (Oh yeah and it and its evolution have access to Snow Warning which is also pretty fab.)

STEEL: EXCADRILL. I have a special relationship with the Subterrene Pokemon. The minute I saw Iris’s Excadrill, I wanted to train one. It looks awesome! A badass drill mole with a ‘tude. And it can hold its own in tournament play! Defensively, its typing is awesome. The Steel-type can resist so much and switch into Toxic without fear. It can learn not one, but TWO OHKO moves (Fissure and Horn Drill). And the three abilities it has access to are all great. You could go for pure power with Sand Force, get the upper hand on speed with Sand Rush, or negate abilities like Levitate and Fur Coat with Mold Breaker! Its small size doesn’t do it justice considering how big of a threat it is.

DRAGON: DRAMPA. FALKOR. At least that’s what I thought when I saw Turtonator’s Moon counterpart for the first time. Believe it or not, Falkor actually has some things going for it! Two out of its three possible abilities are amazing. Cloud Nine removes the effects of weather, while Berserk shoots that Special Attack up after HP is halved. Plus, it’s so fluffy! Lana and Mallow playing with this guy gives me all the feels. You do you, Falkor.

FAIRY: PRIMARINA. I end this list by fawning over the final form of our beloved Popplio. I was hesitant as to what the clown seal would evolve into. But this thing just straight-up Neville Longbottomed. It is beautiful! It looks like it came out of a Disney movie. Its battling skills aren’t too shabby, either. Sparkling Aria hits everyone on the field and heals burns for some reason. But it could help heal a partner with Water Absorb or Dry Skin. The Z-Move this can turn into, Oceanic Operetta, just blows my mind with the animation. If you want a reason to use Sparkling Aria, the Z-Move is a good reason. But let’s get to the best part: Its Hidden Ability, Liquid Voice. HYPER VOICE IS WATER NOW. 'Nuff said.

And now you know my favorite Pokemon. My team and I would love a battle sometime. Diamond out!

[happymetalgirl]

Six Feet Under - Nightmares of the Decomposed

Six Feet Under began as a meager, generic Cannibal Corpse offshoot for fans who had a stronger affinity for Chris Barnes’ work with the death metal titans to continue to indulge themselves with Barnes’ iconic growl after his departure from the band. Fast forward to 2020, and the group has been a complete laughing stock in the death metal world for the past decade or so.

I was as negatively critical as most of the death metal world was with their 2017 album, Torment, which was laughably unimaginative and perplexingly incompetent for such a high-profile band, so I had the bar set really low for this year’s outing, and after hearing Nightmares of the Decomposed, what the fuck?

While the mind-bogglingly inept Graveyard Classics cover album series is hard to beat, Nightmares of the Decomposed might actually be the worst thing Six Feet Under has put out to date; they’ve certainly outdone themselves when it comes to original (using that word liberally) studio material. For starters, the production is atrocious, tinny, demo-quality, and crazily unbalanced. The drums sound as if they were recorded with a single microphone picking them up from outside the room, and some of the cymbals oddly stifle the rest of the percussion while others drown in the mix.

The backing instrumentalists in the band have been part of Six Feet Under for the better part of the past decade, with the newest addition being former Cannibal Corspe guitarist Jack Owen right after Tormented. So these aren’t a bunch of nobodies and they seem to be pretty invested in Six Feet Under, so it begs so many questions as to why a band with such a pedigree can put out such shit death metal.

But I’ll cut the shit now and move on from the backing band because despite their evidently lazy, effortless, and likely only financially motivated input, they are the saving grace of this project in relation to the real culprit here. And it’s no mystery as to who’s to blame here. It’s Chris Barnes, the usual suspect, again, to no surprise to anyone who’s heard his vocals recently. I don’t know how his voice has degraded so terribly, I’ve heard people point to the copious amounts of weed he smokes as maybe the driving factor, but he’s not the only death metal vocalist who smokes a lot and nobody I’ve heard who does sounds nearly as bad as he does, so I really don’t know. But he has sounded weak, breathless, and pitiful for a long time now; he was hanging on for dear life on Torment, but I don’t think anyone could, in good faith, argue he even comes close to fulfilling the baseline requirements for a death metal vocalist now, which is truly astounding in a depressing way given his role in Cannibal Corpse’s first four classic albums. And his contributions on Nightmares of the Decomposed are something else.

Once again, Barnes sounds more out of breath than a distance runner after a high-altitude sprint, and the decay of his vocals from even the awful state in 2017 isn’t even the surprising part; the confounding thing is how these are presumably the best takes and that a massive label like Metal Blade was totally cool putting this out unter their name. Somehow even worse than how respiratorily hypovolemic his growls sound, Barnes’ compensation for his complete loss of any ability to perform high screams is where it really gets weird, punctuating some lines with what I can only describe as a mid-drowning gargling of the vowel “e”. I mean it seriously sounds like some tiny cartoon goblin pops in over Chris’ shoulder periodically during the recording and squeals like a Disney villain henchman into the microphone.

It’s how incomprehensibly terrible this sounds that makes me wonder if this is some kind of parody album or if Six Feet Under has been some kind of elaborate prank that the members have become less subversive about in hopes of people picking up on it. But the boring reality is that the only reason Six Feet Under and Chris Barnes are as prominent as they are is because of their name recognition, which has carried them astoundingly far; I learned that they were apparently listed as I don’t think I really need to go into gory detail about every terrible track on this album, but I’ll point out that a few of these songs actually have some compositional ideas at their core that might actually sound cool if a far more competent band executed them. But since it’s Chris Barnes choking and wheezing his way through them, trying to sound scary, it just sounds comical.

Songs like “The Noose” and “Drink Blood Get High” have some pretty cool concepts underneath them for indulgent, low-brow death metal, and the tremolo riffing of “Amputator” that kicks the album off is actually pretty energetic, but I also have to highlight just how aggravatingly the repetitive refrains on songs like the aptly named “Migraine” and the short, but still painfully dragging, “Zodiac” themselves highlight the annoying quality of Chris Barnes’ voice, which of course ruins even the best songs on this album. I don’t know who thought writing in breaks in the instrumentation to have Barnes go a capella for a few seconds at a time was good idea, but... did you think it was gonna be a different singer or something? Also I know that this kind of death metal has always been about kitschy horror, but goddamn the sheer lethargic laziness that goes into the misogynistic horror trope-riding of “Dead Girls Don’t Scream” makes it that much harder of a track to swallow.

Overall, this thing is so bad it’s laughable, and so laughable that through its probably entirely unintentional self-parody, it might actually swing around the back end to being a little bit enjoyable. But this is without a doubt the worst thing I’ve heard all year, possibly the worst thing Six Feet Under have ever released, and that is saying something.

-6/10 (get it?)

[wsmith215]

Ranking 2020 NFL offseasons from worst to first

With the NFL universe on pause, now seems like a good time to continue our big-picture look into how each organization did during the player-acquisition period of the offseason. I’m going to run through all 32 teams and rank the work they did from worst to first.

To measure how each team performed, I’m comparing their roster, cap situation and future draft capital at the beginning of the offseason to what they have in mid-May. The most important thing a team can do is add talent, so those that made significant inroads in improving their roster will rank highly, while those that saw key pieces leave without replacements won’t. I also considered how each attacked their specific needs, how well they read the market and handled the financial side of their deals, and what they did to create future draft picks.

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For each team, I’ll include what went right, what went wrong, what they might have done differently with a bit of hindsight and what they need to do next in the months to come. Finally, and this is important: These aren’t power rankings of how these teams will perform in 2020. Some of the worst teams in the league from last season will finish at or near the top of these rankings because they were able to draft immediate-impact players at key positions, while some of the best teams shed talent or weren’t able to add much in the draft because they already had dealt away picks.

I started Monday with the bottom eight teams, and I’ll hit eight more on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then finish up with the top eight on Thursday. Jump to my last-ranked team here.

Jump to a team: ATL | BAL | CAR | CHI DET | GB | HOU | JAX KC | LAR | MIN | NE PHI | PIT | SEA | TEN

What went right: You can’t accuse new coach Matt Rhule of neglecting the defense. He transformed a Panthers unit that ranked 25th in DVOA and 31st in scoring defense a year ago, using each of his seven draft picks on the defensive side of the ball. Seven of the 10 players who lined up on more than 50% of the defensive snaps for Carolina in 2019 will not return.

On offense, Rhule was able to lure LSU offensive coordinator Joe Brady to take the same job; he’ll work with new starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. The Panthers bought low on former Jets wideout Robby Anderson and could sport one of the league’s top offensive tackle combinations with Taylor Moton and the newly acquired Russell Okung.

What went wrong: My biggest indicator for these rankings is measuring the talent added versus the talent lost, and the Panthers lost linebacker Luke Kuechly, cornerback James Bradberry, defensive tackle Gerald McCoy, guard Trai Turner and former league MVP Cam Newton, among others. The Turner-for-Okung trade swapped out a younger, better player who is under contract for a longer period of time for Okung, who plays a more valuable position but missed most of 2019 with a pulmonary embolism. The former Chargers and Seahawks tackle is a free agent after this season, and the Panthers don’t seem interested in evaluating 2019 second-rounder Greg Little at the position after seemingly drafting him to take over there.

Former first-round pick Teddy Bridgewater will step in as the new starter in Carolina. Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Rhule clearly intends to rebuild this team in his desired image, and that’s going to take more than one offseason. That’s totally understandable, and the Panthers took strides toward those long-term goals. In the short term, though, they might have less talent on their roster in 2020 than they did on paper in 2019, even if they never had a healthy Newton. They also locked up Christian McCaffrey, and while there’s no doubting his talent, signing running backs to massive contracts has been a dangerous game.

What they could have done differently: Given Rhule’s emphasis on physical football, I wonder if Carolina would have been better off holding on to Turner and using the No. 7 overall pick on one of the left tackle prospects, like Jedrick Wills Jr. or Mekhi Becton. First-round pick Derrick Brown, a defensive tackle, looks to be a better defender against the run than he is a pass-rusher, and in a division in which he’ll be going up against the Falcons, Saints and Bucs, I’m not sure that’s the best use of a top-10 pick.

What’s left to do: Add a cornerback. After losing Bradberry to free agency, the Panthers look to start the season with inconsistent 2018 second-rounder Donte Jackson as their No. 1 corner. On the other side, All-Name team member Corn Elder will be competing with fourth-round pick Troy Pride Jr. The second-best wideouts on the opposing teams in this division are Emmanuel Sanders, Chris Godwin and Calvin Ridley. Yikes. This is a logical landing spot for somebody like Dre Kirkpatrick or Eli Apple.

What went right: The Jaguars looked to be stuck with quarterback Nick Foles’ contract after the former Super Bowl MVP lost his job in 2019, but they managed to trade him to the Bears without having to assume any of the remaining guarantees and got a fourth-round pick in the process. Jacksonville ended up paying Foles a little over $30 million for four starts, but since that all took place before the offseason began, I’m leaving that part of the story aside. If it weren’t for the DeAndre Hopkins miracle between the Cardinals and Texans, general manager Dave Caldwell getting out of the Foles deal would be the most impressive trade of the offseason.

The Jags also took steps to move on from their disastrous move to take running back Leonard Fournette with the No. 4 overall pick in the 2017 draft, when Patrick Mahomes, Deshaun Watson and more than a half-dozen other running backs who have proved to be more productive were still on the board. (Seriously: Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, Joe Mixon, Alvin Kamara, Kareem Hunt, James Conner, Marlon Mack, Aaron Jones, Chris Carson and even undrafted free agent Austin Ekeler look like better backs than Fournette right now.) The Jaguars could have been fooled by a largely inefficient season from Fournette in 2019, but they declined his fifth-year option and desperately tried to trade the former LSU star, to no avail.

What went wrong: Boxed into a bad cap situation by years of free-agent spending and missteps, the Jaguars had little choice but to trade cornerback A.J. Bouye and cut defensive tackle Marcell Dareus. No real issue there, but the moves the Jags made with the cap space they had left were curious. Joe Schobert is a talented player, and I’m sure the Jaguars want to reset their culture, but a team that already has Myles Jack on a four-year, $57 million deal is a bad candidate to hand a big contract to another off-ball linebacker. Schobert’s five-year, $53.8 million deal means they have two of the most expensive inside linebackers in the league.

Tight end Tyler Eifert’s two-year deal came in at $9.3 million as opposed to the originally reported figure of $15.5 million, but either deal seems optimistic for a player who has pieced together one impactful season across seven years as a pro. Jacksonville understandably wanted to add a possible playmaker for Gardner Minshew, but we’re now four years removed from Eifert’s big season. The team also neglected to bring in meaningful competition for their second-year quarterback.

Yannick Ngakoue, a third-round pick in 2016, has 37.5 sacks over four seasons in Jacksonville. Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire

The Jags haven’t resolved the Yannick Ngakoue situation, with the star defensive end picking fights with ownership on Twitter and insisting he won’t play for the organization again. With each passing day, the franchise loses more and more leverage; remember last year, when the Seahawks were able to get a first-round pick for pass-rusher Frank Clark around the draft, and the Texans were forced to settle for a third-round pick when they shipped off Jadeveon Clowney at the end of August.

What they could have done differently: The Jaguars should have traded down in the first round when they had the opportunity. The Falcons were the most frequently rumored candidate to move up, likely for cornerback CJ Henderson, whom the Jags drafted at No. 9 overall. They needed a cornerback, so I have no issue with them drafting Henderson, but under Caldwell’s reign, they haven’t shown much of an aptitude for drafting. Caldwell’s picks in the top five include Luke Joeckel, Blake Bortles, Dante Fowler Jr., Jalen Ramsey and Fournette. Even if they had an excellent grade on Henderson, the Jaguars don’t really deserve any benefit of the doubt when it comes to evaluating prospects. They would have been better off adding an extra selection or two.

What’s left to do: Trade Ngakoue. I don’t like to see teams give up on star players, but it seems clear that he has no intention of signing an extension in Jacksonville, and I’d rather the team get something close to meaningful value as opposed to settling for a midround pick. It’s going to be tough with Clowney and Everson Griffen still available on the open market, but I wonder if the Jags can still coax a first-round pick out of a team like the Seahawks.

What went right: The Falcons finally acknowledged their need to rebuild on defense. Out went pass-rusher Vic Beasley Jr., cornerback Desmond Trufant, linebacker De’Vondre Campbell and defensive tackle Adrian Clayborn, and they declined the fifth-year option on edge rusher Takkarist McKinley. Atlanta finally made a significant investment on an outside player by signing Dante Fowler Jr., and it used first- and second-round picks on cornerback A.J. Terrell and defensive lineman Marlon Davidson. Thomas Dimitroff’s team projects to come away with one compensatory fifth-round pick and a pair of selections in the sixth round of the 2021 draft.

What went wrong: Fowler was the only significant veteran addition this team made to that flailing defense, as Atlanta otherwise re-signed tackle Tyeler Davison and traded a seventh-round pick for Dolphins washout Charles Harris, a defensive end who went No. 22 overall in 2017. I’m worried that the Falcons might be fooled by what happened in the second half, when they allowed a league-best 25.8% conversion rate on third downs. Research has suggested that teams that grossly outplay their first- and second-down performance on third down struggle to keep that up, and while they were middle of the pack by expected points added on first and second down during the final eight weeks of the season, they were the league’s best defense on third downs.

You could argue that they didn’t have the cap room to make many additions, but after cutting Devonta Freeman, they still found a way to hand Todd Gurley a one-year, $5.5 million deal. Even if Gurley returns to form and has a great season, this is the exact sort of organization that needed to focus on finding a cheap, multiyear solution at running back. The Falcons have committed serious resources to their offensive line, have a great passing game and desperately needed to save money for their defense.

What they could have done differently: The money they committed to Gurley could have been part of an offer for someone like Jadeveon Clowney, although it would have also required Atlanta to restructure someone’s contract, likely wideout Julio Jones. As it stands, the Falcons don’t have the cap space to even go after a veteran edge rusher like Vinny Curry or Clay Matthews.

What’s left to do: Carve out some space for a cornerback. With plenty of veteran options still available, the Falcons project to start Terrell, Isaiah Oliver and Kendall Sheffield. They are enthused about Sheffield after his rookie season, but I’d like to see them find a couple of million dollars to bring in somebody like Darqueze Dennard or even a veteran like Brandon Carr. Releasing backup running back Brian Hill would free up $2.1 million.

What went right: Kansas City mostly stayed put with its Super Bowl-winning roster, sticking to one-year deals and small deals to retain players such as quarterback Chad Henne and corner Bashaud Breeland. The Chiefs were able to convince receiver Sammy Watkins to take a pay cut, and they franchise-tagged star defensive tackle Chris Jones.

What went wrong: Breeland was arrested at gunpoint on May 1. Watkins is still earning nearly $9 million with the chance to earn $6 million more in incentives in 2020, which is a lot for a player who had been ordinary during his first two seasons in Kansas City before breaking out during the postseason. The team also didn’t resolve Jones’ future with a trade or a long-term contract, meaning it’s likely to end up getting one more year out of him before losing him as a free agent in 2021.

The Chiefs used their first-round pick on running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who should end up as one of the most productive backs in football when he takes over as the full-time starter. That’s a good thing, but when you look at recent history for this team, just about anybody who has been in that role has been among the most productive backs in football. Kareem Hunt was there as a third-round pick. Damien Williams has been a touchdown machine in the playoffs. Even before Andy Reid came to town, Jamaal Charles emerged as one of the best backs of the past decade as another third-rounder. Edwards-Helaire could be a star, but I wonder if the Chiefs would have been better off using their first-round pick on a position they’ve struggled to fill effectively, like cornerback, or targeted a wide receiver to replace Watkins.

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Louis Riddick goes through the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2020 schedule to break down some of the biggest challenges they will face.

What they could have done differently: Watkins ranks 59th in receiving yards over the past two years, placing him below the likes of Dede Westbrook, Jamison Crowder and Antonio Brown. Patrick Mahomes has been better with Watkins on the field over the past two years, but the difference isn’t enormous: He has posted a passer rating of 112.4 and a QBR of 84.7 with Watkins on the field, dropping off to 106.5 and 77.0, respectively, without the former Bills first-rounder. In a market in which every veteran wideout besides Randall Cobb failed to get the deal they were expecting, Watkins likely wouldn’t have come away with a similar deal if the Chiefs had let him go.

What’s left to do: Extend Mahomes. The team has just $1.4 million in cap space, and it’s difficult to imagine the star quarterback’s 2020 cap number staying anywhere close to its current figure of $5.3 million on a new deal, so this is going to be a difficult negotiation. His résumé over his first two years as a starter — league MVP and Super Bowl MVP — is unprecedented in modern football. Mahomes isn’t going anywhere, but can the Chiefs get a deal done now as opposed to 2021, when he will be even more expensive? And will he be the first player in football to sign a contract worth $40 million per season?

What went right: Without a first-round pick or much cap space, the Steelers had about as quiet of an offseason as possible. I liked a couple of their smaller moves in trading for Ravens defensive lineman Chris Wormley and signing tight end Eric Ebron to a two-year deal. They’re also projected to receive fourth- and sixth-round compensatory picks after losing defensive tackle Javon Hargrave and center B.J. Finney in free agency. The one key player they kept was outside linebacker Bud Dupree, who had a career year in 2019 and was retained via the franchise tag.

What went wrong: Outside of Wormley, the Steelers didn’t do much to replace Hargrave. Last year’s disastrous run with Mason Rudolph and Devlin Hodges should have pushed them to target a significant backup quarterback behind the returning Ben Roethlisberger, but players like Marcus Mariota, Andy Dalton and Jameis Winston all hit the market and went elsewhere.

What they could have done differently: I can’t pick too many holes in what Pittsburgh did beyond the backup quarterback situation. It’s in this grouping because most teams added more talent, either through free agency or the draft. The Steelers probably feel thrilled about using their first-round pick to acquire defensive back Minkah Fitzpatrick last year, but since that trade happened during the season, I’m not including it in this analysis.

What’s left to do: Upgrade behind Roethlisberger. The Steelers should absolutely be in the market for Cam Newton or Joe Flacco. If Roethlisberger returns from his elbow injury and stays healthy all season, great. If not, they can’t afford to let another dominant season from their defense go to waste because their offense is averaging one point per possession, as it did during the second half of 2019.

What went right: Nobody added more future draft capital this offseason than the Vikings. Trades produced two fourth-rounders and a fifth-rounder in 2021. They let cornerbacks Trae Waynes and Mackensie Alexander leave in free agency, with those moves expected to generate third- and sixth-round compensatory picks. Minnesota should have 12 picks in next year’s draft.

This offseason was about clearing out cap space and retooling on defense for the Vikings, but I liked that they were still able to replace Linval Joseph with wildly underrated Ravens defensive tackle Michael Pierce on a team-friendly deal. Moving on from corner Xavier Rhodes could be addition by subtraction. They have also so far resisted the urge to sign running back Dalvin Cook to an extension after his breakout season.

Does trading Stefon Diggs to Buffalo fit on this side of the right/wrong debate? When I wrote about the trade, I suggested it could be a win-win for both sides. With the Vikings subsequently using the first-round pick from the trade to nab wide receiver Justin Jefferson, my feelings haven’t changed. Losing Diggs will hurt the team in the short term, but for an organization that wants to run the ball and use 22 personnel, transitioning to a cheaper option alongside Adam Thielen makes sense. If they were going to trade Diggs, they did it at the right time.

What went wrong: Diggs is really good! Even if you’re optimistic about Jefferson, the chances of a first-round pick turning into a top-10 wide receiver aren’t extremely high. The team was overdue for a reboot at cornerback, and they used first-, third-, and fifth-round picks there, but I would have liked to see the Vikings target at least one low-cost veteran to try to rehabilitate under Mike Zimmer.

Mike Zimmer and the Vikings brought back ascending safety Anthony Harris on the franchise tag. Photo by Brace Hemmelgarn/USA TODAY Sports

Minnesota also didn’t re-sign defensive end Everson Griffen after the longtime starter voided his deal, and the only free agent they signed to replace him was rotation lineman Anthony Zettel. In part, the Vikings were hamstrung by franchising safety Anthony Harris, which was a bit of a surprise. While he has intercepted nine passes since moving into the starting lineup during the 2018 season, it’s not a great use of resources for them to commit nearly $23 million of cap space to their safeties in 2020.

What they could have done differently: I would have let Harris leave and used the $11.4 million in cap space created to go after an edge rusher. The Vikings reportedly shopped Harris for a draft pick, but I suspect they would have netted a fifth- or sixth-round compensatory pick if they had let him leave. They were reportedly negotiating an extension with Harris before the draft, and if they can get a deal done and reduce his 2020 cap hold, they could use the cap space to go after help at defensive end.

What’s left to do: Add a backup quarterback. Another team that needs help here! The Vikings have Sean Mannion, Jake Browning and 2020 seventh-round pick Nate Stanley behind Kirk Cousins. The newly extended veteran hasn’t been on the injury report since Week 1 of the 2013 campaign, but if Cousins were to go down, Minnesota’s playoff chances would go kaput. With Gary Kubiak taking over as offensive coordinator, the logical backup to target would be Joe Flacco, who played under Kubiak in Baltimore.

What went right: Finally freed of the last vestiges of the Joe Flacco contract, the Ravens used their newfound cap space to try to build a devastating defensive line. While they let Michael Pierce leave and decided against confirming their deal with Michael Brockers after a physical, they traded a fifth-round pick for Jaguars star Calais Campbell and signed Derek Wolfe to a one-year deal. Baltimore then found its long-term replacement for C.J. Mosley by using its first-round pick on LSU linebacker Patrick Queen.

On offense, the Ravens found the guy who will likely start for them at running back in 2021 and beyond by using a second-round pick on J.K. Dobbins. They also netted a second-round pick from the Falcons for Hayden Hurst, and while Hurst will start for Atlanta, it’s always nice to get a premium pick for your third-best tight end.

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What went wrong: The only disappointing thing the Ravens had to deal with was losing legendary guard Marshal Yanda to retirement. They are an offensive line factory and used third- and fourth-round picks on Tyre Phillips and Ben Bredeson, respectively, but Yanda will be missed. Wolfe was a nice Plan B, but he was a downgrade from Brockers. The Ravens didn’t really replace Hurst, and given how frequently Mark Andrews has been banged up as a pro, I expected them to use a midround pick to find a backup there.

What they could have done differently: They franchised Matthew Judon as a linebacker, which saved them about $2 million as opposed to giving him the edge rusher tag. Judon hasn’t signed his tag, and with the Ravens unlikely to sign him to an extension, they haven’t been able to trade the 27-year-old for a draft pick. Had they known Jadeveon Clowney would be available this late in the offseason, I wonder if they would have simply let Judon hit free agency, picked up a compensatory pick and signed the former first overall selection on a one-year deal. Realistically, outside of adding another tight end, the Ravens did what the Ravens do, which is draft and develop talent.

What’s left to do: Add an edge defender. Even if Judon returns, they could still use another pass-rusher. Clowney might be too rich for their blood, although I’d love to see them use what will likely be the last bargain year on Lamar Jackson’s deal to stretch Clowney onto their roster. Baltimore still has to extend star left tackle Ronnie Stanley, whose price just went up after the Laremy Tunsil deal; if the team can bring Stanley’s 2020 cap figure down from $12.9 million, it might have just enough space for Clowney.

What went right: The Eagles addressed their two obvious weaknesses heading into the offseason. The trade for Darius Slay netted them the No. 1 corner they sorely needed after years of frustrating play at defensive back, and general manager Howie Roseman went all-in for speed during the draft by adding receivers Jalen Reagor, John Hightower and trade acquisition Marquise Goodwin. The perennially creative Eagles also found a way to add a run-plugging defensive tackle by signing away Javon Hargrave from the Steelers, and the one-year, $1 million deal they gave corner Nickell Robey-Coleman might have been one of the best value signings of the offseason.

What went wrong: Solving the problem at cornerback might have created holes elsewhere on defense, as Philadelphia declined safety Malcolm Jenkins’ option and released linebacker Nigel Bradham without really replacing either veteran. Jalen Mills was re-signed and is expected to move to safety, and the Eagles appear set to hand the middle linebacker job to T.J. Edwards after he played 112 snaps as an undrafted rookie. Former Chargers linebacker Jatavis Brown also could figure in the mix, but if teams feel comfortable avoiding Slay to target other mismatches on defense, the Eagles won’t realize much of an improvement from their long-awaited move.

Could 38-year-old offensive tackle Jason Peters return to Philadelphia for another season? Winslow Townson/AP Images for Panini

What they could have done differently: You could argue that they might have been better off just riding out what was a relatively cheap cornerback market and holding on to their third- and fifth-round picks. Slay is a genuine top-flight cornerback, but when you factor in the cost of both trading away a pick and signing Slay to a three-year, $50.5 million extension, would the Eagles have been better off simply signing Robey-Coleman and another cornerback, like Chris Harris Jr.? Keeping those picks would have allowed them to draft a safety to replace Jenkins or add valuable offensive line depth they don’t have after Jason Peters and Halapoulivaati Vaitai left this offseason.

What’s left to do: Add offensive line depth. The Eagles have reportedly been in talks to bring back Peters, which would be interesting; they drafted Andre Dillard in the first round last year with the expectation that he would take over for Peters in 2020, but Dillard struggled across his 337 offensive snaps last season, and this offseason will make it difficult for any young player expected to grow into a new role. If they don’t sign Peters, they would be looking at options like Cordy Glenn or Kelvin Beachum at tackle. Larry Warford will likely be out of Philly’s price range, but it could look toward someone like Ron Leary on the interior.

Come back Wednesday for Nos. 16-9 on the list.

Nos. 32-25

What went right: Hmm. We’re starting this series with the toughest question, huh? I suppose the two-year, $3 million deal the Texans gave former Eagles and Chargers defensive back Jaylen Watkins could be decent value if they slot him in the correct role. They also upgraded their special-teams coverage units by importing players such as Eric Murray and Michael Thomas. Second-round pick Ross Blacklock, Houston’s first selection in the 2020 draft, could turn into a useful interior disrupter and third pass-rusher for a team that had the league’s fourth-worst adjusted sack rate.

What went wrong: The Texans traded away arguably their second-best player for pennies on the dollar because he wanted a new contract and then overpaid for just about every one of their offseason additions. Even if they hadn’t traded wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins and a swap of fourth-rounders for a second-round pick and running back David Johnson’s bloated contract, this would be a disaster.

Coach Bill O’Brien misread the market and handed out significant deals to cornerback Bradley Roby (three years, $36 million), wide receiver Randall Cobb (three years, $27 million), kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn (four years, $17.7 million) and Murray (three years, $18 million) and even threw in a one-year, $4 million pact for backup quarterback AJ McCarron. O’Brien finished up by giving agentless left tackle Laremy Tunsil a three-year, $66 million extension, a market-shifting deal everyone saw coming from the moment the Texans traded away multiple first-round picks to acquire Tunsil without negotiating an extension as part of the pact.

Bill O’Brien and the Texans have made some head-scratching decisions this offseason, and Deshaun Watson is in line for a contract extension. John Grieshop/Getty Images

What they could have done differently: How much time do you have? Let’s start by using the window afforded them during the trading process last year to insist on getting Tunsil signed to an extension as part of that trade. The team reportedly attempted to sign Carlos Hyde to an extension before free agency; Hyde isn’t much more than a league-average running back, but if signing him meant that O’Brien wouldn’t have assumed the Johnson contract, it would have been a hidden victory for this team.

The Texans shouldn’t have traded away Hopkins, contract demands or not. The Falcons were able to satiate Julio Jones when he was three years away from the end of his deal by moving money around before handing him a deal with two years to go. And if you don’t want to follow that model, what was Hopkins going to do in a league in which the new collective bargaining makes it virtually impossible for players to hold out?

Read more: Barnwell graded more than 100 signings and trades this offseason

If O’Brien thought his relationship with Hopkins was unsalvageable and he needed to trade his star wide receiver away, that’s one thing. He simply had to get more out of that deal than an underwater running back contract and a second-round pick. Even if Hopkins wanted a new deal, the Stefon Diggs trade saw the Vikings send a less productive player with a reputation of creating drama inside his building to the Bills for a much greater haul, most notably a first-round pick. Beating the Vikings to the punch for that Bills deal would have been more defensible.

What’s left to do: Trade Kenny Stills. The Texans don’t really have a need for Stills as their fourth wide receiver behind Cobb, Brandin Cooks and Will Fuller, and the former Dolphins wideout has $7 million in unguaranteed money due on the final year of his deal. There’s an obvious fit here with the Packers, who didn’t get all of their shopping done this offseason.

What went right: Offensive tackle Germain Ifedi didn’t live up to expectations as a first-round pick for Seattle, but the Bears were able to sign the oft-penalized lineman to a one-year deal for just over $1 million, which is good value for a solid run-blocker. They will try Ifedi at guard as a replacement for the retired Kyle Long. General manager Ryan Pace also took the first steps out of the Mitchell Trubisky business, declining the quarterback’s fifth-year option while bringing in Nick Foles to compete for a starting job. While Robert Quinn’s five-year, $70 million deal is expensive, it’s for a player for whom ESPN’s pass rush win rate analysis suggests was the most effective pass-rusher in the league over the past two seasons. I also liked the flier Chicago took on former Steelers first-round corner Artie Burns.

What went wrong: Despite the fact that Foles’ contract was a disaster for the Jaguars, the Bears sent a fourth-round pick to acquire him and didn’t force the Jags to eat any of the money, instead restructuring $21 million in guarantees to come due over the next three seasons. Foles could work out as the team’s starter, but this is the equivalent of signing an expensive three-year gym membership as a college senior. There couldn’t have been much of a market for Foles, and Andy Dalton, who was cut by the Bengals after the draft, came without the pick or significant cash attached.

The Jimmy Graham deal was likely the worst contract of free agency, as a Bears team that had already committed significant assets to tight ends Dion Sims, Adam Shaheen and Trey Burton under Pace gave Graham a two-year, $16 million deal with $9 million guaranteed and a truly inexplicable no-trade clause. Graham can’t block, and he was anonymous during his time with the Packers. Chicago needed three voidable years to re-sign linebacker Danny Trevathan on a three-year, $21.8 million deal, which is like taking out a loan so you can help pay for that gym membership. There are still questions about what this team has at wide receiver and in the secondary, where it will likely need second-rounder Jaylon Johnson to start as a rookie.

What they could have done differently: Waited out the quarterback market. Foles wasn’t going to have many suitors, and the Jaguars had little leverage in moving his massive contract. Judging from the deals that Dalton and Jameis Winston signed — and the offers Joe Flacco and Cam Newton have yet to get — there was more supply in the quarterback market than demand this offseason. Wiping away the Graham deal goes without saying; if the Bears wanted to go after a versatile tight end, they were better off handing a similar deal to Eric Ebron, who signed with Pittsburgh for less money.

What’s left to do: Add a veteran cornerback. The bottom tier of the cornerback market still has plenty of options available. Guys such as Eli Apple, Trumaine Johnson and Dre Kirkpatrick were generally problems in 2019, but the Bears should be able to sign one of them for little more than the veterans minimum. I would prefer Apple, who is still only 24 and was competent for the Saints in 2018.

What went right: The Patriots finally invested at tight end, using third-round picks on Devin Asiasi and Dalton Keene. Franchising and retaining guard Joe Thuney gives them their best chance of building around the running game as they shift their offensive identity. Perhaps most important, they kept their dominant secondary together by re-signing Devin McCourty to a two-year deal, losing only Duron Harmon to the Lions.

Behind the 32-year-old McCourty at safety, coach Bill Belichick made obviously Belichickian additions by signing Adrian Phillips and using a second-round pick on the versatile and athletic Kyle Dugger. New England also banked three projected compensatory picks for the players it lost in free agency, including a third-rounder for quarterback Tom Brady and fourth-rounders for linebackers Jamie Collins and Kyle Van Noy.

What went wrong: The Patriots had Brady at quarterback, and now they have Jarrett Stidham. Even a diminished Brady would still project to be a playoff-caliber quarterback with the sort of defense this team had in 2019; the same thing isn’t clear with Stidham, who appears to be the Week 1 starter. Losing Brady is one thing, but the Pats neglecting to make a meaningful move for someone like Andy Dalton seems shortsighted and stubborn.

Franchising Thuney means New England has a league-high $28.6 million of its cap committed to guards in 2020, nearly $7 million more than any other team. The Thuney tag cost the Patriots valuable cap space and eliminated their leverage in dealing with Rob Gronkowski when he wanted to return, forcing them to trade their legendary tight end to the Bucs for a midround pick. The Pats also lost three members of their starting front seven with Collins, Van Noy and defensive tackle Danny Shelton leaving town. While I have faith Belichick will replace those guys in the long term, the defense should take a step backward in 2020.

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Bill Belichick is confident Jarrett Stidham will be able to lead the Patriots’ offense.

What they could have done differently: When Brady was clamoring for more money during the summer of 2019, the Patriots gave him a “two-year deal,” which was really an $8 million raise and a ticket to free agency after the season. Given that Brady ended up netting only a two-year, $50 million deal on the open market, this team could have made him a credible multiyear offer to stick around for the remainder of his career.

Would Brady have taken that kind of offer if the Pats had made it at this time last year? It’s impossible to say. Given what both sides had to gain, though, it’s not hard to imagine a common ground where the Patriots could have given him a new deal with two years of guarantees and a voidable year or two attached to help create short-term cap space. (The Pats used that space on Antonio Brown, which is another thing that didn’t go well.)

Belichick is obviously not stupid; the Patriots chose not to make that sort of offer for a reason. Stidham’s performance over the next couple of years will make it clear whether the legendary coach was right to move on from the most fruitful relationship in NFL history.

What’s left to do: Clear out cap room and wait. New England should be targeting veterans who come available now that we’re on the other side of the post-June 1 window. (I know that sounds weird, but in the NFL, the middle of May comes after June 1.) Belichick can clear out about $5 million by cutting backup running back Rex Burkhead and offensive lineman Jermaine Eluemunor or gin up another $3 million or so by releasing safety Terrence Brooks and tight end Matt LaCosse. The Pats should be in the market for a veteran tight end, but more important, it’s money they could put toward someone like Cam Newton or Joe Flacco, if they’re healthy enough to compete with Stidham and Brian Hoyer.

What went right: The Lions went all-in on rebuilding their oft-frustrating secondary, trading cornerback Darius Slay and replacing him by signing Desmond Trufant and drafting Jeff Okudah at No. 3 overall. On paper, the trio of Okudah, Trufant and Justin Coleman would rank as one of the best cornerback combinations in the league. Trading for safety Duron Harmon completed the defensive back makeover. They will miss Slay, but even with him on the field last season, they allowed a passer rating of 97.4, which would have been the eighth-worst mark in the league.

What went wrong: Coach Matt Patricia and general manager Bob Quinn elected to rebuild most of their defense by acquiring the players Bill Belichick didn’t want to keep, a move that typically turns out poorly for other teams. Jamie Collins’ three-year, $30 million deal seemed particularly onerous for a linebacker who was a mess outside of New England during his run with Cleveland. The Lions will now start four former Pats on defense in Collins, Harmon, Trey Flowers and Danny Shelton. They look perilously thin along the defensive line, and while Belichick has been able to mold middling players into contributors across his front seven, Patricia’s players have generally been better elsewhere than they were playing for him in Detroit.

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The Lions also weren’t able to parlay the No. 3 draft pick into a bidding war between the Chargers and Dolphins, forcing them to stay put. Okudah should be an impact cornerback, and I don’t have any issue with them drafting him, but this team could have sorely used an extra first-round pick. Detroit used its second-round pick on running back D’Andre Swift, and while he is a talented player, this isn’t a roster that can afford to use two second-round picks on running backs across three years. You could argue Kerryon Johnson is a sunk cost, but the Lions could have addressed running back with one of a number of veterans at minimal cost.

Instead, Detroit hit free agency yet again, and its deals were questionable. Trufant hasn’t lived up to expectations over the past three seasons. The five-year, $45 million deal it handed Halapoulivaati Vaitai pays the former Eagles swing tackle like he is an upper-echelon starter. It sure looks reminiscent of the big deal that Detroit handed former starting right tackle Rick Wagner, which didn’t work out.

What they could have done differently: Resisted the urge to go after as many former Patriots as possible. The Collins deal is a mess, and under Belichick, the Patriots have exhibited the ability to develop players such as Shelton and Harmon into useful contributors. Patricia and Quinn are trying to buy them instead. If the Lions couldn’t trade down in the first round, they should have used their second-rounder on a position that’s tougher to fill than halfback.

What’s left to do: Add defensive line help. Detroit signed Nick Williams to a two-year deal after he impressed with the Bears in his first significant stretch of pro action as a 29-year-old, but it needs another pass-rusher to mix in on a rotational basis. I’d love to see the Lions sign Jadeveon Clowney, but more realistically, this would be a landing spot for somebody like Jabaal Sheard on the edge or Marcell Dareus on the interior. Hey, one of those guys used to play for the Patriots!

What went right: The Rams acknowledged sunk costs and made the difficult decision to essentially erase their 2018 offseason by releasing running back Todd Gurley and trading away receiver Brandin Cooks. They rebuilt their defensive line around Aaron Donald by signing Leonard Floyd and A’Shawn Robinson, and when Michael Brockers failed his physical with the Ravens, they brought him back at a reasonable price. L.A. is expected to add third- and fourth-round compensatory picks in the 2021 draft for losing linebackers Dante Fowler Jr. and Cory Littleton in free agency.

What went wrong: As I wrote about in my winners and losers column, the Rams didn’t address their needs. They used their two second-round picks on replacements for Gurley and Cooks; shouldn’t Sean McVay be able to coach up a running back and third receiver without having to use the team’s top picks? Their offensive line is still seriously troubling, and while they re-signed veteran left tackle Andrew Whitworth, the 38-year-old committed 14 penalties last season, up from 12 over his prior two seasons combined. The Rams have two other line starters coming off season-ending knee injuries, and they added only Jamil Demby and seventh-round pick Tremayne Anchrum.

They didn’t replace Littleton, and while defensive coordinator Wade Phillips has a track record of molding inside linebackers out of unlikely places, Phillips is gone too. The Rams were ninth in defensive DVOA last season, and they will go from Phillips’ decades of experience to 37-year-old Brandon Staley, who has spent only three years in the NFL. They also lost longtime special-teams coordinator John Fassel, who will be replaced by former Central Michigan coach John Bonamego.

Sean McVay and the Rams have parted ways with several key contributors this offseason, including wide receiver Brandin Cooks. Kirby Lee/USA TODAY Sports

Perhaps more disconcertingly, it seems L.A. is either struggling with cash flow or going to present itself as such for the time being. It still hasn’t paid Gurley or Clay Matthews owed bonus money, which led to Matthews filing a grievance with the league. Last week, the Rams reportedly applied for a $500 million loan from the league to help finance cost overruns on their new stadium while simultaneously asking for a 30-year repayment term, which is double the typical length. These two issues likely aren’t directly related — the bonuses for Gurley and Matthews are a drop in the bucket relative to the stadium costs — but it’s fair to wonder whether the organization is in position to meet the lofty contract demands of star corner Jalen Ramsey.

What they could have done differently: As was the case with the Texans and Tunsil, the Rams should have negotiated an extension with Ramsey when they made their trade with the Jaguars. It would have been more difficult, given that they made the deal in the middle of the season, but even agreeing on the broader framework of an extension would have gone a long way. Given how Marcus Peters has played since leaving the Rams, it’s fair to argue that this team should have just held onto him and its two first-round picks, but that’s another conversation altogether.

The Rams didn’t have a first-round pick in April, and they won’t have one in next year’s draft, either. With that in mind, they badly needed to use one of their second-round picks this year on helping their offensive line. The organization was spoiled by what happened in 2017 and 2018, when the line stayed remarkably healthy and free-agent imports such as Whitworth and John Sullivan played at a high level. The line was a mess last season, and Jared Goff just isn’t good enough to overcome heavy pressure. He posted a league-worst passer rating of 34.5 under pressure. Even if second-round pick Cam Akers turns into a superstar, the Rams should have waited to target a running back.

What’s left to do: Sign Ramsey (or wide receiver Cooper Kupp). Both Kupp and Ramsey are in the final year of their respective deals, and the Rams don’t want to head to the 2021 offseason with the two stars vying for one franchise tag. They also will have to work on deals for tight end Gerald Everett and defensive backs John Johnson III and Troy Hill next year, and while some of their pending free agents will be allowed to leave, they probably want to lock up at least one of their big two before the season begins. Ramsey will look to reset the cornerback market and will be asking something in the range of $20 million per season.

What went right: In a market in which teams were aggressively paying for potential at offensive tackle, the Packers got a reasonable price in replacing Bryan Bulaga with Rick Wagner on a two-year, $11 million pact. While it wasn’t the first-round wide receiver Packers fans were craving, Devin Funchess could deliver good value on a one-year, $2.5 million deal as a second or third wideout. And while it’s not ideal for their chances of winning in 2020, if Green Bay did add its quarterback of the future when it drafted Jordan Love with the 26th pick, it would obviously push this offseason way higher than it ranks now.

What went wrong: In an offseason in which the draft was full of wide receiver talent and veteran wideout prices were depressed, the Packers really couldn’t come away with more than Funchess? Taking Love was one thing, but using a second-round pick on bruising running back AJ Dillon seemed more egregious. It also seemed to hint that Aaron Jones’ future after the season lies outside of Green Bay, which is unlikely to make many Packers fans happy.

The decision to move on from Bulaga also was curious, given that he signed a relatively friendly deal with the Chargers. It’s possible the Packers weren’t given an option to match, but if they could have signed Bulaga for three years and $30 million, they should have brought back their stalwart right tackle.

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They didn’t do much to address their defense. While they improved from 29th to 15th in DVOA after a spending spree in free agency last year, they are unlikely to be as healthy on the defensive side of the ball in 2020 after their starters missed a total of four games all season. They replaced linebacker Blake Martinez with Christian Kirksey, which should be a positive if Kirksey stays healthy, but I was surprised Green Bay didn’t try to do more to add depth on defense.

What they could have done differently: Realistically, even if the Packers wanted Love in Round 1, they should have gone out of their way to get one of the remaining wideouts in the second round. I’m not often an advocate for trading up, and it’s possible that opposing teams were quoting astronomical prices to the Packers after seeing how their fan base reacted to the Love pick, but they should have moved up in the second round to get someone like Laviska Shenault Jr. or Denzel Mims. Dillon basically has to turn into Derrick Henry for that pick to work, and both the track record and NFL career span of backs like Henry aren’t great.

What’s left to do: Acquire a veteran wideout. I mentioned Kenny Stills earlier, and a trade for the Texans wideout makes total sense.

What went right: The Seahawks added significant offensive line depth, re-signing Mike Iupati and signing the likes of B.J. Finney, Brandon Shell, Cedric Ogbuehi and Chance Warmack, before drafting Damien Lewis in the third round. With a thin depth chart at wide receiver behind starters Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf, they were able to get a steal by adding Phillip Dorsett on a one-year deal for the veterans minimum. They also added some modestly priced depth at defensive end by signing Benson Mayowa and Bruce Irvin, and they made what looked to be an excellent trade in acquiring cornerback Quinton Dunbar from Washington for a fifth-round pick.

What went wrong: Dunbar’s near-term future appears to be uncertain after a warrant was issued for his arrest on armed robbery charges. The Seahawks will be able to get by without him, but they still haven’t acquired a primary pass-rusher after letting Jadeveon Clowney leave this offseason. The former first overall pick is still a free agent, but Seattle was 30th in adjusted sack rate with him and could be even worse without him. The two-year, $23 million deal the team gave defensive tackle Jarran Reed had a player-friendly structure, and it kept the franchise aligned with a player who was suspended for six games after being accused of domestic assault last year.

While it’s obviously too early to make significant judgments about draft picks, Seattle’s first-round selection of off-ball linebacker Jordyn Brooks was widely seen as a stretch for both the player and the positional value. The Seahawks have proved broader consensus wrong in the past — Metcalf and quarterback Russell Wilson come to mind — but Brooks will have to be great to overcome the needs this team had on either side of the line of scrimmage. Most of the offensive linemen Seattle added simply weren’t very good in other places, with Finney as an exception. The one-year, $7 million deal the Seahawks gave Greg Olsen was also a lot for a 35-year-old tight end with one healthy season over his past three years.

Jadeveon Clowney had a successful season in Seattle, and he hasn’t found a team in free agency. Could he return to the Seahawks? Jeffrey Vest/Getty Images

What they could have done differently: I would suggest that they should have traded down from No. 27, but I’m not sure there was much of a market for the pick. The Packers moved up to 26 to draft Love, but after that, no team moved up in the draft until the Colts did so at No. 41. Taking a player at a more significant position would make sense to me, such as offensive tackle Isaiah Wilson or defensive end Yetur Gross-Matos.

The depth approach Seattle took to its line was interesting, but adding a second guaranteed starter behind Finney would have been helpful. Shell appears likely to start at right tackle, but on a two-year, $9 million price tag, I would have liked to see the Seahawks try to finally find a pass-protecting tackle for Wilson by going after Bryan Bulaga.

What’s left to do: Bring back Clowney. A one-year reunion makes sense for both sides, given that the Seahawks are likely to be a playoff contender and Clowney wants to restore his free-agent stock on a winner. Seattle has about $15 million in cap space, which is a little more than what he might hope to land on a one-year pact at this point. General manager John Schneider could clear out $5.4 million by releasing backup pass-catchers Jacob Hollister and David Moore.

What went right: The ideal situation for the Titans would have been retaining quarterback Ryan Tannehill and franchising running back Derrick Henry, which is what ended up happening. Tennessee hasn’t yet come to terms on an extension with Henry, which I’m considering a plus given how poorly contracts have aged for running backs. It also lost right tackle Jack Conklin, but it replaced the former All-Pro by re-upping Dennis Kelly and using its first-round pick on Isaiah Wilson.

What went wrong: Losing Conklin and cornerback Logan Ryan cost the team two valuable starters, and I’m not sure the Kelly/Wilson combination or free-agent corner Johnathan Joseph are going to be as valuable in their absence. The Vic Beasley Jr. signing locked the Titans in on a one-year deal for a pass-rusher who has been successful for 1½ of his five pro seasons and didn’t offer any ability to keep him if he exceeds expectations.

Most notably, to get the Tannehill deal done, the Titans practically guaranteed their breakout quarterback three years and $91 million, which is a huge investment for a player whom the Dolphins paid $5 million to sell for a fourth-round pick at this time last year. He was one of the league’s best quarterbacks last season, but he has a lengthy injury history. The Titans also want to build around running the football, which makes a $31 million quarterback an expensive accessory.

What they could have done differently: I’m not sure the Titans had much of a choice, but even limiting the Tannehill deal to two guaranteed seasons would have been a much better deal. With hindsight, it’s fair to suggest they might have been better off letting him hit the market and going after somebody like Nick Foles or Andy Dalton at a much cheaper price. Likewise, for a team that has expressed interest in Jadeveon Clowney, the Titans would have been better off just signing Clowney to a one-year deal as opposed to Beasley. Some of that is hindsight, but the Beasley and Tannehill deals raised questions before we even saw how the rest of those respective markets worked out.

What’s left to do: Let Henry play out his franchise tag. When he was asked about a possible extension in January, Henry said the six-year, $90 million extension that Ezekiel Elliott signed with the Cowboys was “the floor.” Elliott’s deal paid him $37.6 million over its first three years.

Henry’s franchise tag is worth $10.2 million in 2020. If the Titans franchised him two more times, in 2021 and 2022, they would end up paying him $40.1 million, which is right about what Elliott’s deal included after accounting for cap inflation. They also would retain the leverage of going year to year with the ability to opt out if Henry gets hurt or doesn’t live up to expectations. The NFL’s running back economics are absolutely warped, and it’s unfair to Henry after his production over the past year and a half, but the Titans will likely regret it if they give him a Zeke-sized deal.

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Facebook is at the center of a dozen controversies, and outrage is peaking. The social network has failed again and again at expanding beyond a handful of core features. Doubts of its usefulness, and assertions of its uselessness, are multiplying. A crisis of confidence at multiple levels threatens the company’s structure and mission. Now is the time for Mark Zuckerberg to spare himself the infamy and resign — for Facebook’s sake and his own.

I’m not calling for his resignation, and I don’t say this out of any animus towards Zuckerberg; I personally believe him to be genuine and driven in his stated desire to connect the world — but likely increasingly frustrated by the unexpected consequences of this naive ambition and the haste with which he has pursued it. I just think that it has come to the point where the best way for him to advance that ambition is to leave.

There are three major reasons why.

Facebook has failed

Of course, it’s also true that Facebook has succeeded beyond every expectation. But its success arrived early and remains essentially a simple thing: being a broadly accessible, functioning social network. A single network of friends, a basic news feed from them, and a few adjunct capabilities were industry defining ideas and to a certain point were executed quite well. Beyond that admittedly towering success Facebook has accomplished remarkably little.

Attempts to make Facebook a ubiquitous social graph layer connecting all apps and services failed because consumers found it creepy, companies found it threatening to rely completely on the company for demographic data, and tech was moving too quickly for the data Facebook had to be universally applicable. (Except, of course, in advertising, where it is evergreen.)

Attempts to make Facebook a gaming platform failed partly because the social aspect of gaming is radioactive, and partly because the attention economy produces really bad games. Repurposing an established community into a gaming one was a non-starter, and what’s left of the brief Facebook gaming flash in the pan is just an oily residue clinging to the side of the newsfeed.

Attempts to make Facebook a VR/AR powerhouse are ongoing, but that entire segment of tech has proven incredibly disappointing and eye-wateringly expensive for everyone involved. So far they’re a market leader in a market that seems to only exist for the purpose of swindling money out of investors. It’s too early to call it a complete boondoggle with certainty since Facebook is supposedly playing a longer game here, but it sure isn’t promising.

Attempts to improve messaging beyond the basics have failed; chatbots are of poor quality and largely pointless, in-chat games are novelties at best, business applications are politely declined, and while aesthetic changes like stickers could make a little money in the short term, that’s not really the kind of thing that supports a global infrastructure.

Attempts to make Facebook a reliable news source ran into the many-headed hydra that is “objectivity” and everything that comes with it. Boy, they didn’t think that through. I’m not even going to get started on the ways it’s failed here.

Attempts to make Facebook an infrastructure provider have arguably so far failed as either abortive or fanciful. Free basics failed despite good intentions because the company has not earned the trust to be in that position. The laser-based Aquila internet glider is a wonderful science project but strikes me as something of a Spruce Goose situation: Underserved communities would be served better by, off the top of my head, grants offsetting large broadband providers’ advantages in infrastructure contracts, or just paying for laying fiber or building towers. (Later efforts at Internet.org have been more limited and practical and I applaud them.)

Attempts to make Facebook a media company failed (or are stumbling) for a multiplicity of reasons: strong and agile competitors, a lack of focus, too many ads, incompatibility with the like economy.

Attempts to branch out on mobile have failed, though none very spectacularly — which is almost a failure in itself. The main app is of course fabulously popular, as is Instagram. Only by paying a billion dollars, and literally subtracting a fundamental feature from the original app were they able to increase the number of icons on most phones.

Attempts to make Facebook cool have failed almost from the beginning. I hesitate to go so far as to define coolness, but I will say that it’s generally thought to be incompatible with ubiquity. They bought some cool with Instagram, but the shine is starting to wear off that one.

This litany of failures (by no means comprehensive, and of course there have been minor successes, too) is also conspicuously a list of things Zuckerberg has personally set his sights on. Over and over, he has said “this is what we’re going to do.” And then they don’t do it — not really. A cash infusion and a bit of borrowed momentum from the ongoing original success of the basic social network, and each effort begins with a semblance of self-propulsion. But all of them have lost steam as Facebook failed to follow through, mindlessly followed through on the wrong thing, or just moved on to the next target.

As founder and CEO, Zuckerberg should by all means take substantial credit for the initial success of the platform. But he also has to take responsibility for the laundry list of botched attempts to do much more than provide the basic service people valued since the earliest days.

By no means is he alone in this type of failure, by the way: All the tech giants have products and phases they’d rather not speak of or, though they might refuse to acknowledge it, have been crushing defeats. But Zuckerberg is on his own in the level of personal ownership he has tried to exert over these numerous misadventures.

Facebook is not about connecting the world

It’s become clear over the years that Facebook left its original mission statement behind a long, long time ago.

15 years back, perhaps even 10 or 5, Facebook was just what we needed. But the world has changed, the way we interact with technology and each other has changed, and Facebook hasn’t. The platform’s greatest failure isn’t any of those side projects listed above; it’s the failure to evolve its core product to succeed by its own metrics of quality time and meaningful connection.

Facebook started as a rough approximation of sharing your life with a group of friends. But as its scope has increased, this approximation has been found to be increasingly inadequate. What’s also become clear is that Facebook has been working hard to redefine how people interact online to fit better with its own limited capabilities. Faced with the square peg of human interactions and the round hole (the image of a pit is inescapable) of Facebook’s newsfeed and algorithms, they decided it was the former that needed modification.

The root of that is simple: Fitting Facebook to the people’s needs is not as lucrative as vice versa. Facebook runs on ads, and ads run on eyeballs. That’s the business model that has dominated the last decade or so — well, the last couple centuries really, but in its current form 10-15 years. Facebook has been one of the most successful practitioners of it because, as they never tire of telling their customers (that is to say, advertisers), they know things about us that others don’t. Important things. This is, as I mentioned earlier, the one place where its troves of seemingly trivial data add up.

Facebook is not a platform for connecting people, it’s a platform for monetizing the connections they make on their own. The company simply doesn’t prioritize the quality of these connections themselves in any meaningful way — nor, I think, can it. That’s probably a realization they reached early on. These flailing attempts to grow appendages were always just ways to multiply the number of superficial connections and train users to conflate constant, convenient updates with meaningful interactions.

The parallel track to this is on the sales and advertising side, where Facebook has repeatedly been cavalier with the data it has been entrusted with and selectively honest with the users from which it was sourced. People have stopped trusting it, if they ever really did. No one believes its executives when they say things about quality time, and respecting your data, and so on. Some of them may be sincere — but it doesn’t matter.

The work that needs to be done to connect the world can’t be done by an entity as compromised as Facebook; it’s just the wrong tool for the job. Zuckerberg’s mission to connect the world isn’t happening the way he planned and it isn’t going to happen. Ironically it was the success of his own vision that demonstrated the limits of that vision.

The time is right for him and for the company

Facebook has grown big enough that it was never going to be free from controversy. But for the last few years there seems to have been a constant hum of disappointment from practically every quarter, every demographic, every customer, every country and regulator.

During the tumultuous last year, the fundamental idea of advertising on Facebook based on hidden character traits has been shown to be an insidious, easily abused practice. It responded much as its big tech colleagues have: affect shock, assure users this was never intended, and promise action. Zuckerberg, who is politically active and of course deeply involved in all the operations at Facebook, has been almost completely silent.

He has occasionally addressed such controversies. But more often than not he has offered little more than lip service, lines so tired — “at Facebook we take this very seriously,” for instance — that they’ve become parody. As I was writing, in fact, he did exactly this. “I’m serious about doing what it takes to protect our community” were his exact words.

But not just those words!

“I started Facebook, and at the end of the day I’m responsible for what happens on our platform,” he wrote.

The exact form this responsibility takes is not specified. But the best thing for him to do would be resign.

I don’t mean instantly — that would be chaos. But soon. Think about it: it’s really the best thing for everyone.

For Facebook, it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card. Zuckerberg can easily take a lot of the heat being pointed at the company right now, since as he says he is responsible for what happened. He can shield loyal employees and executives who really were likely doing his bidding. He could do a junket of Congress, the FTC, a few courts, and so on to express his personal responsibility for the actions and to beg people to understand that Facebook should not be held to be synonymous with his mistakes of many years. Meanwhile at the company there would be carte blanche for reinvention, reversing years-old policies, admitting faults.

For users, it’s a nice clean break and a new hope for the platform. For a long time people have rolled their eyes at the promises of change, and seen mainly aimless algorithm tweaks and failed attempts to imitate competitors. The election debacle and this ongoing Cambridge Analytica situation are just the latest problem to appear; user faith is long since eroded, and many more would leave if not for some strong network effects binding them to the platform. For Zuckerberg, the avatar and origin of all of Facebook’s many mistakes (and of course successes) to personally step aside is meaningful change, and may lead to meaningful change at the platform level. At the very least even skeptical users like myself would be curious to see how it all plays out.

For Zuckerberg, this could be the best thing that ever happened to him. The optics are great — brave and idealistic young CEO sacrifices himself so that the company can live on. And it’s not like he doesn’t have another life waiting for him. How does retiring in your early 30s with billions in the bank, spending a year or two with your wife and young daughter, then reemerging to dedicate yourself full time to your philanthropic causes sound? The Chan-Zuckerberg Initiative and Internet.org could help more people in more meaningful ways than Facebook ever could. It might even be time to grow a nice beard.

I don’t think he’s really going to do it, of course (resign, that is — he may still grow a beard). At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychiatrist, his ego identifies too strongly with Facebook. Separating himself from it would be traumatic, perhaps impossible. Furthermore, my pessimistic view of Facebook’s works would be more than balanced by his own optimistic view. If he read this I doubt he would agree with much I’ve written.

All the same, I don’t think he will ever have a better chance to leave than this, and he may in the near future wish he had bowed out around now. Free of Zuckerberg, Facebook might blossom anew or it might wither; but most damningly of all, its users probably won’t care either way.

[sheminecrafts]

Now would be a good time for Mark Zuckerberg to resign

Facebook is at the center of a dozen controversies, and outrage is peaking. The social network has failed again and again at expanding beyond a handful of core features. Doubts of its usefulness, and assertions of its uselessness, are multiplying. A crisis of confidence at multiple levels threatens the company’s structure and mission. Now is the time for Mark Zuckerberg to spare himself the infamy and resign — for Facebook’s sake and his own.

I’m not calling for his resignation, and I don’t say this out of any animus toward Zuckerberg; I personally believe him to be genuine and driven in his stated desire to connect the world — but likely increasingly frustrated by the unexpected consequences of this naive ambition and the haste with which he has pursued it. I just think that it has come to the point where the best way for him to advance that ambition is to leave.

There are three major reasons why.

Facebook has failed

Of course, it’s also true that Facebook has succeeded beyond every expectation. But its success arrived early and remains essentially a simple thing: being a broadly accessible, functioning social network. A single network of friends, a basic news feed from them and a few adjunct capabilities were industry-defining ideas and to a certain point were executed quite well. Beyond that admittedly towering success, Facebook has accomplished remarkably little.

Attempts to make Facebook a ubiquitous social graph layer connecting all apps and services failed because consumers found it creepy, companies found it threatening to rely completely on the company for demographic data and tech was moving too quickly for the data Facebook had to be universally applicable. (Except, of course, in advertising, where it is evergreen.)

Attempts to make Facebook a gaming platform failed partly because the social aspect of gaming is radioactive, and partly because the attention economy produces really bad games. Repurposing an established community into a gaming one was a non-starter, and what’s left of the brief Facebook gaming flash in the pan is just an oily residue clinging to the side of the news feed.

Attempts to make Facebook a VR/AR powerhouse are ongoing, but that entire segment of tech has proven incredibly disappointing and eye-wateringly expensive for everyone involved. So far they’re a market leader in a market that seems to only exist for the purpose of swindling money out of investors. It’s too early to call it a complete boondoggle with certainty since Facebook is supposedly playing a longer game here, but it sure isn’t promising.

Attempts to improve messaging beyond the basics have failed; chatbots are of poor quality and largely pointless, in-chat games are novelties at best, business applications are politely declined and while aesthetic changes like stickers could make a little money in the short term, that’s not really the kind of thing that supports a global infrastructure.

Attempts to make Facebook a reliable news source ran into the many-headed hydra that is “objectivity” and everything that comes with it. Boy, they didn’t think that through. I’m not even going to get started on the ways it’s failed here.

Attempts to make Facebook an infrastructure provider have arguably so far failed as either abortive or fanciful. Free basics failed despite good intentions because the company has not earned the trust to be in that position. The laser-based Aquila internet glider is a wonderful science project but strikes me as something of a Spruce Goose situation: Underserved communities would be served better by, off the top of my head, grants offsetting large broadband providers’ advantages in infrastructure contracts, or just paying for laying fiber or building towers. (Later efforts at Internet.org have been more limited and practical and I applaud them.)

Attempts to make Facebook a media company failed (or are stumbling) for a multiplicity of reasons: strong and agile competitors, a lack of focus, too many ads, incompatibility with the like economy.

Attempts to branch out on mobile have failed, though none very spectacularly — which is almost a failure in itself. The main app is of course fabulously popular, as is Instagram. Only by paying a billion dollars and literally subtracting a fundamental feature from the original app were they able to increase the number of icons on most phones.

Attempts to make Facebook cool have failed almost from the beginning. I hesitate to go so far as to define coolness, but I will say that it’s generally thought to be incompatible with ubiquity. They bought some cool with Instagram, but the shine is starting to wear off that one.

This litany of failures (by no means comprehensive, and of course there have been minor successes, too) is also conspicuously a list of things Zuckerberg has personally set his sights on. Over and over he has said, “this is what we’re going to do.” And then they don’t do it — not really. A cash infusion and a bit of borrowed momentum from the ongoing original success of the basic social network, and each effort begins with a semblance of self-propulsion. But all of them have lost steam as Facebook failed to follow through, mindlessly followed through on the wrong thing or just moved on to the next target.

As founder and CEO, Zuckerberg should by all means take substantial credit for the initial success of the platform. But he also has to take responsibility for the laundry list of botched attempts to do much more than provide the basic service people valued since the earliest days.

By no means is he alone in this type of failure, by the way: All the tech giants have products and phases they’d rather not speak of or, though they might refuse to acknowledge it, have been crushing defeats. But Zuckerberg is on his own in the level of personal ownership he has tried to exert over these numerous misadventures.

Facebook is not about connecting the world

It’s become clear over the years that Facebook left its original mission statement behind a long, long time ago.

Fifteen years back, perhaps even 10 or 5, Facebook was just what we needed. But the world has changed, the way we interact with technology and each other has changed and Facebook hasn’t. The platform’s greatest failure isn’t any of those side projects listed above; it’s the failure to evolve its core product to succeed by its own metrics of quality time and meaningful connection.

Facebook started as a rough approximation of sharing your life with a group of friends. But as its scope has increased, this approximation has been found to be increasingly inadequate. What’s also become clear is that Facebook has been working hard to redefine how people interact online to fit better with its own limited capabilities. Faced with the square peg of human interactions and the round hole (the image of a pit is inescapable) of Facebook’s news feed and algorithms, they decided it was the former that needed modification.

The root of that is simple: Fitting Facebook to the people’s needs is not as lucrative as vice versa. Facebook runs on ads, and ads run on eyeballs. That’s the business model that has dominated the last decade or so — well, the last couple of centuries really, but in its current form, 10-15 years. Facebook has been one of the most successful practitioners of it because, as they never tire of telling their customers (that is to say, advertisers), they know things about us that others don’t. Important things. This is, as I mentioned earlier, the one place where its troves of seemingly trivial data add up.

Facebook is not a platform for connecting people, it’s a platform for monetizing the connections they make on their own. The company simply doesn’t prioritize the quality of these connections themselves in any meaningful way — nor, I think, can it. That’s probably a realization they reached early on. These flailing attempts to grow appendages were always just ways to multiply the number of superficial connections and train users to conflate constant, convenient updates with meaningful interactions.

The parallel track to this is on the sales and advertising side, where Facebook has repeatedly been cavalier with the data it has been entrusted with and selectively honest with the users from which it was sourced. People have stopped trusting it, if they ever really did. No one believes its executives when they say things about quality time, and respecting your data and so on. Some of them may be sincere — but it doesn’t matter.

The work that needs to be done to connect the world can’t be done by an entity as compromised as Facebook; it’s just the wrong tool for the job. Zuckerberg’s mission to connect the world isn’t happening the way he planned and it isn’t going to happen. Ironically, it was the success of his own vision that demonstrated the limits of that vision.

The time is right for him and for the company

Facebook has grown big enough that it was never going to be free from controversy. But for the last few years there seems to have been a constant hum of disappointment from practically every quarter, every demographic, every customer, every country and regulator.

During the tumultuous last year, the fundamental idea of advertising on Facebook based on hidden character traits has been shown to be an insidious, easily abused practice. It responded much as its big tech colleagues have: affect shock, assure users this was never intended and promise action. Zuckerberg, who is politically active and of course deeply involved in all the operations at Facebook, has been almost completely silent.

He has occasionally addressed such controversies. But more often than not he has offered little more than lip service, lines so tired — “at Facebook we take this very seriously,” for instance — that they’ve become parody. As I was writing, in fact, he did exactly this. “I’m serious about doing what it takes to protect our community” were his exact words.

But not just those words!

“I started Facebook, and at the end of the day I’m responsible for what happens on our platform,” he wrote.

The exact form this responsibility takes is not specified. But the best thing for him to do would be resign.

I don’t mean instantly — that would be chaos. But soon. Think about it: it’s really the best thing for everyone.

For Facebook, it’s a get-out-of-jail-free card. Zuckerberg can easily take a lot of the heat being pointed at the company right now, since as he says he is responsible for what happened. He can shield loyal employees and executives who really were likely doing his bidding. He could do a junket of Congress, the FTC, a few courts and so on to express his personal responsibility for the actions and to beg people to understand that Facebook should not be held to be synonymous with his mistakes of many years. Meanwhile at the company there would be carte blanche for reinvention, reversing years-old policies, admitting faults.

For users, it’s a nice clean break and a new hope for the platform. For a long time people have rolled their eyes at the promises of change, and seen mainly aimless algorithm tweaks and failed attempts to imitate competitors. The election debacle and this ongoing Cambridge Analytica situation are just the latest problem to appear; user faith is long since eroded, and many more would leave if not for some strong network effects binding them to the platform. For Zuckerberg, the avatar and origin of all of Facebook’s many mistakes (and of course successes) to personally step aside is meaningful change, and may lead to meaningful change at the platform level. At the very least even skeptical users like myself would be curious to see how it all plays out.

For Zuckerberg, this could be the best thing that ever happened to him. The optics are great — brave and idealistic young CEO sacrifices himself so that the company can live on. And it’s not like he doesn’t have another life waiting for him. How does retiring in your early 30s with billions in the bank, spending a year or two with your wife and young daughter, then reemerging to dedicate yourself full-time to your philanthropic causes sound? The Chan-Zuckerberg Initiative and Internet.org could help more people in more meaningful ways than Facebook ever could. It might even be time to grow a nice beard.

I don’t think he’s really going to do it, of course (resign, that is — he may still grow a beard). At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychiatrist, his ego identifies too strongly with Facebook. Separating himself from it would be traumatic, perhaps impossible. Furthermore, my pessimistic view of Facebook’s works would be more than balanced by his own optimistic view. If he read this I doubt he would agree with much I’ve written.

All the same, I don’t think he will ever have a better chance to leave than this, and he may in the near future wish he had bowed out around now. Free of Zuckerberg, Facebook might blossom anew or it might wither; but most damningly of all, its users probably won’t care either way.

from iraidajzsmmwtv http://ift.tt/2IDMmy1 via IFTTT

[armorroofing]

New Roof Installations Near Smithville MO

The article New Roof Installations Near Smithville MO originally appeared on Armor Roofing Kansas City.

Correct roof renovation is critical. The majority believe a house as a symbol of the American dream. A house is everything required for a family, as this can be the property you will call home, and your story will end up being authored mostly here together with your kids. But you will want to, first of all, confirm that your house is the right site for everyone in your family to thrive. Do not ruin this habitat by making it possible for a defective roof top to bring mold damage to your personal belongings. Consequently, it is vital that you take care of your roof.

One cannot overstate the critical importance of in tact roofing in keeping your domicile shielded from an inhospitable climate. If you are in Smithville and you are thinking that you could actually have a problem with your roof, for an in depth examination of your roof today is a perfect point in time to connect with us.

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The final thing you are after is a hidden roof shingle crack to tarnish your domicile and content indoors. Speak with us now for a risk-free no obligation roof inspection and quotation by getting in touch with the number next or hitting on the icon on the bottom right part corner of this web page.

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

If you'd like your roof to thrive the volatile weather common around the Smithville area, then you would need to make sure your rooftop is well taken care of and reconditioned anytime it is demanded. The most important thing you ought to become aware of is that a roof replacement may possibly well be priced considerably more than some other restoration you have done before, nonetheless, when it relates to roof concerns, it is a lot better to cope with it asap. Someone is not really going to be able to salvage capital by just waiting in having it handled. As the trouble does get more severe, it definitely will run you more than in the past, and we are totally sure that no person wants for that to manifest. Your roof top can just only bear so much impact from rain, hail, and snow over the years just before the need to be replaced to reinstate its structure.

The great news is certainly two fold. Not every injured/damaged roof top needs a total replacement. Realistically, a great number can be addressed with a simpler to execute repair. Second of all, complete both new roofs and maintenance will almost always be paid for by your home insurance vendor. The problem is that they will simply compensate you where the contract is completed to their exacting standards. Because you have to to be positive they approve the piece of work swiftly, it is pretty important to retain the services of a proper roofing company that will execute the roof repair punctually and with excellent quality results.

How Can I Identify A Roof covering Injury?

Help answer the pursuing issues for starters:

What Are The Types of Many Benefits Related With Roof Replacements?

Have you got erosion of the wood upon the wood surface roof? The erosion of the wood surface can be bad luck for home owners. When noted, it just needs to be solved. Do not wait for a while before making 100% certain you decide either to get rid of the damaged roof by yourself or dial your certified roofer.

Do you ever see virtually any oxidated metallic pieces on your house's metal roof top? Corrosion is surprisingly not a positive indication. At the moment would probably be a very good period to get the help and advice from a local roofing company. The very last thing you should not want to have is undoubtedly for water to trickle out all through the weakened metal.

So how does the underlayment materials below the roof shingles come across? Never heard of underlayment? This barrier could be laid within the shingles or tiles to help prevent storm-water leaks and provide you increased support and insulation depending upon the variation of roof covering. Warped underlayment possibly can signify your roofing is past due for a full-scale new roof. Beyond doubt, you really need to get hold of a licensed roofing expert to come over to your place and calculate the level of the injuries to safeguard the family home integrity.

Have roofing layer tiles crumbled or fallen off the dwelling? Exchanging the tiles is without any doubt on the agent. A whole roofing replacement might be necessary if, perhaps very many tiles are broken.

A patch up or replacement could very well be perfect if you replied yes to nearly any of the aforementioned problems. As you can imagine, this normally would preferably be realized by initially speaking to a roofing expert near by Smithville. Before you set off to start searching for various roof top problem distinctions explained at an earlier time in this posting, you will want to examine engaging with the expert to implement the demanding and perilous task for you. At Armor, we deliver free of cost roof inspections in the Smithville areas.

Make contact with us at (816) 331-7663 for a absolutely free roof covering inspection. You'll have pretty much nothing to lose!

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

Make a call to at Armor Roofing LLC today by choosing the control listed below. When you get the local roofing company to go through the rooftop, inquire about the scope of the impairment and if perhaps a patch up or most costly replacement is vital. A total roof replacement would certainly always be a path to take, specifically if perhaps you wish to go forward and update your rooftop to the life time roof solution in order to increase the asset's market estimate while postponing possible future rehab. Suppose the devastation is harsh enough it might even be vital.

A Few Top Level Positives In An Extensive Replacement

Owning a perfectly supplanted roof actually has a variety of glaring strengths. Roof repair trouble immediately following severe storms will in all probability quite possibly be wiped out of your intellect anymore. An easy servicing is often all right still, supposing the decline negligible.

An additional issue that should be looked into is whether you could possibly trade in the domicile. Housing specialists accept the fact that a good looking rooftop is a selling point that will certainly significantly expand the price of a domicile in the recognition of an acquirer.

Reasons To Attempt To Avoid A Rooftop Replacement in Smithville

You will be facing a much more challenging thing when talking about a repair. It will now need a longer period and simply involve a bit more setting up to go easily. Then again in the instance, you engage a roofing company complete with an extensive group readily available, the entire job is often performed pretty in the near future. An entire roof replacement should presently cost round 6,000 and 8,000 dollars with respect to just how extensive the house is and specifically what sort of roofing you are applying on it. A larger estate or good quality substance is likely to be much higher though meager residences would certainly settle under this spread. There are no grounds to be troubled about this charge most of the time. In the instance your family house is seriously compromised, well then you have the ability to register a demand with your insurance company. Simply ensure you pick and choose the top certified roof professional to work the contract effectually. Provided you are distressed about resolving the red tape relating to the reimbursement in Smithville, we will support you in moving through that procedure.

Maybe this article content has worked to remedy some of the questions regarding roofing service not too distant from Smithville. We support our customer service via a top notch service contract in addition to a purchasers contentment guaranty. Please click the link on the bottom right border of the site or phone (816) 331-7663 to receive a no obligation roofing inspection and an offer at this time!

Call Us Today!Call Us Today! (816) 331-7663

Armor Roofing LLC - Kansas City 6600 NW Tower Dr #104 Kansas City, MO 64151 (816) 935-9312 http://kansascity.roofsareus.com

The post New Roof Installations Near Smithville MO appeared first on Armor Roofing Kansas City.