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sinofwriting · 2 days ago

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Sex Positive - Charles Leclerc

Words: 2,470 Summary: Y/N goes on a podcast to talk about one thing and one thing only, sex. Note(s): NSFW just because this is just all sex talk, no actual sex, but it is the main topic of discussion. Part SMAU

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“Y/N Y/L/N”

She smiles at the sound of her name, adjusting her headphones a bit until they finally seem to sit snug on her head.

“Welcome to the sex positive podcast.”

“Thank you for having me!”

“Thank you for coming on!” Elaine says. “When I reached out, I had hoped you would come on, but was shocked when you said yes.”

“I had to come on. We’ve known each other now for like two years?” Elaine nods at her words. “And yet despite that and this podcast doing so well, which by the way congrats on the new milestone. 250k is insane, and your profession we’ve never once talked about sex.”

“We have not.” Elaine laughs. “Probably because we also run into each other at events and dinners. Not the best place for me to ask how you feel about sex.”

“Well, I should tell you, I am coming on here to actually talk about how much I hate sex.” She says, ending her sentence with an eye roll, as she adjusts how she’s sitting, not even noticing her cardigan slip.

“Oh, yeah.” Elaine nods. “You hate sex.” She then nods to her left shoulder and her eyes drop and she lets out a laugh, seeing the love bites now exposed from the cardigan slipping.

“Like I said, I hate it.” She laughs.

“How is your relationship with sex? I mean, what has your experience been with it?”

She considers for a moment, “I’d say I have a good relationship with sex. It was never a topic that was shied away from when I was younger. My parents both gave me the talk, they made sure that I felt safe and comfortable to talk to them about it. They also never shied away from talking about how they had sex before they were adults, so if I did, they understood. All they asked was that I was safe.”

“And you think that’s helped?”

“Of course.” She nods. “I mean, I was sixteen when I had sex for the first time. Which was before all my friends and after that I was the one my girl friends came to for condoms and advice.”

“Was it good?”

She makes a face, “I mean, I think it was as good as two sixteen-year-olds having sex for the first time can be. A little awkward, some fumbling, finishing so quick.”

Elaine laughs, “Y’know that probably is as good as it can get.”

“Yeah.” She laughs.

“Were you like okay, I had sex this first time, I’ve experienced it, I’m good, or was it like me where you wanted to explore more.”

“Oh, I wanted to explore more. I didn’t have sex again for, I think like another two years. But I did so much self exploring. Just trying to see what I liked, what I was interested in, what I wasn’t interested in.”

“Porn?”

“Yes, there was quite a large amount of porn being watched. I read a lot of adult novels, guides, blogs, really just anything I could get my hands on.”

Elaine nods, tucking a leg underneath herself as she adjusts the microphone to be a little closer. “And this is something I’m curious about, how do you feel about porn? It’s something a lot of people are divided on, a lot of women especially.”

“I like porn. I enjoy it. Either just watching for pleasure or for research.” And she puts the last word in air quotes. “And please people listening or watching, if you see something you like in porn or are interested in, and this applies if you are reading something as well, look it up, read some guides and blog posts about it before doing it yourself. Just be safe.”

“Oh, please be safe. We have our own blog where we talk about different kinks, positions, various things and I urge you, along with everyone else who works on this podcast, to be safe with yourself and others.” Elaine says, addressing the camera before looking back at her. “So, you like porn.”

“Yes. Obviously not all porn is good, there are bad studios, there are overdone tropes, issues with the industry itself with it continuing to promote certain things because it earns them so much money. But I do enjoy it. It’s an industry that is always going to get criticized and hated and it deserves some of those criticisms without a doubt.”

“As a sex therapist, I do try to veer my clients away from porn, most of the time. And that’s mainly due to the acting of it. But it has its place in helping you learn and educate yourself. My issue is when people only look at porn and don’t look into things further.”

“Yeah, a hundred percent. It’s so important to not just take away things from porn but to take things away and expand on what you saw.” She nods.

“And of course I have to ask, what do you yourself like to watch in porn?”

“Hmm.” She thinks. “I think it depends on my mood. I think what I normally go for is something a little more rough. I’ve never really enjoyed watching people have like slow, gentle sex, not unless there’s something else there like overstimulation.”

“So, you like it rough?” Elaine asks.

She laughs, “Yes. It wasn’t something I had ever tried out before though until my current partner.”

“Really?”

She nods, “Really! I can admit that with my current partner, Charles, is where I’ve done a lot of exploring with someone else sexually. We’ve tried out many things.”

“Anything you guys didn’t like?”

“We don’t care for titles or honorifics.”

“You are crushing some dreams with that statement.”

“I know.” She laughs, well aware of the many tweets and things about wanting to call Charles daddy or sir. But it was just something that didn’t work for them in bed. The most was sometimes as a tease, she’d call him Mr. Leclerc and that was mainly to wind him up, not because the word itself was a turn on.

“What about things you’ve both enjoyed?”

“Oh, where to begin.” She teases, the both of them laughing. “Roleplay is one, bondage, edging, overstimulation. And I don’t consider this sex, but it is something we both enjoy a lot, cock warming.”

“That is quite the list.”

“Oh, just the tip of the iceberg.”

“Talk me through some of it. Bondage?”

“Yes. This was something we both had come into the relationship having never done before and wanting to do. We have the actual like rope you're supposed to use for when we do it, though sometimes we have used other things.”

Elaine shakes her head, grinning. “Of course you two have. I feel like if I see you two together, you’re always attached.”

“Pretty much. We both enjoy touch and Charles, despite all the interest in his personal life and how much already is exposed to the public, doesn't mind holding my hand or hugging or kissing me while in public.”

“Was that a worry of yours?” Elaine asks.

“Absolutely.” She nods, fingers interlacing. “I knew he’d at least, when I went to my first race, that he’d hold my hand, but I figured that might be it. And I didn’t want to bring it up since me going to Baku was so last minute for the both of us.”

“I’ve seen photos from that race and I would have never guessed that it was a last minute decision or that you two hadn’t talked about that yet.”

“Yeah, I got on a plane and was there by 11pm on Wednesday night, and the plane tickets had gotten bought maybe six hours before the plane took off. Charles had to send a photo of my ID to the front desk and had a spare key for me waiting since he had to be asleep already.”

“And then the next day, I mean you guys were very loved up.”

She grins, “we very much were. I think Charles knew I was nervous. We hadn’t officially been spotted together and he’s such a comforting person, very calming, so it was easy to not feel anxious with him holding me and pressing a kiss to my cheek every few minutes as y’know a bunch of people were taking photos of me and I’m being introduced to about a hundred people.”

“Which is overwhelming to say the least.”

“So overwhelming.” She nods.

“Though you might’ve liked that, since you’ve brought up overstimulation a few times.”

Her hands come up to hide her face, laughing into them, before they fall back into her lap. “I’d apologize, but I like what I like.”

“So it’s you being overstimulated.”

“Oh, absolutely. I find it very enjoyable.”

“I’ve never actually really talked about overstimulation, what is that you like about it? That you find to be enjoyable?”

“It’s the near constant feeling of too much, it’s so much pleasure just back to back, and everything depending on how you're doing it, can feel just like raw? And exposed? And you don’t think you can orgasm one more time, you just can’t again, but then you can and it feels at least in my experience just so good and then you do it again and again, and every time the pleasure of it just washing over you is even more and more and it’s the only thing you can focus on, everything else just fades away.”

“You make me want to try it.” Elaine laughs.

—

Charles’ head immediately perks up when he hears the hotel door open. “Chérie! How was the podcast?”

She smiles, setting her bag down, before moving over to the couch where Charles is sitting and happily sitting in his lap before Charles can pull her down. “It was good.” She finally says after kissing him.

He hums, “How good?”

She thinks, playfully humming as her fingers run through his hair. “Very good. I think your fans will want to kill me and so will Ferrari.”

He frowns, arms tightening around her. “Ferrari knows that you are allowed to do as you’d like. It is not like with,” He stops himself.

“I know, Charles.” She soothes. “But, they will be upset with me considering me talking about my sex life is talking about your sex life.”

He huffs, obviously not liking it, but he hopes that the podcast will do well, be received well, so at least Ferrari will be forced to accept it because fans like it.

“Did you mention me?”

Her eyebrow raises, “No. I want on a podcast to talk about my sex life so you obviously didn’t come up.”

He pouts at the tease and she can’t resist pressing a kiss to his pouty lips.

“Yes, I mentioned you. Multiple times and by name.”

He hums, moving his hands under her cardigan and top. “What did you say?”

“That we’ve done a lot of things together. That we like certain things.”

When she had accepted the invite it was only after a long talk with Charles, one she had to force, to go over what she could and couldn’t mention. Charles had been fine with her mentioning whatever she wanted. Uncaring that it would be out for the world to see, his colleagues, friends, and even family if for some reason they decided to click on it. He had stuck by that after their talk, though had asked her to keep most of the details of their roleplay and their love of rough sex to a minimum.

And it had been easy to not talk about what kind of roleplay they did and while rough sex had been mentioned twice, they were brief, just establishing her love of it.

“It did make me want to roleplay our favorite thing again.”

His eyes light up at her words.

It wasn’t often something they did, their favorite roleplay scenario, not when it required her to be in a certain headspace to really work, but she wants and craves it so much.

“You want to be my innocent little girl?” His voice has a bit of rasp, his fingers resting on her back, stretching out.

“Yes.” She breathes.

He leans forward, giving her a hungry kiss, his and her last chance to lose control, before pulling away. “Go get ready for me, bébé. I’ll find a place to have dinner.”

---

#charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader #f1 imagine #f1 x reader #formula 1 imagine #formula x reader #sins fics

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sweatersarentsweatshirts · 5 hours ago

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This is long and personal, but I just want to share I’m a former gifted kid who turned out to have ADHD and Autism.

I dropped out of high school at 18. But shouldn’t I have already graduated ? No, I had severe depression from my other undiagnosed issues so I wasn’t attending school as much as I needed to. They would’ve let me come back for another semester at 19. I only needed a few more credits to graduate. I couldn’t do it. Or maybe I did. It’s all kind of a haze because of my depression.

Seventh grade was my last year of straight A’s. I couldn’t tell you my gpa in high school, but I could tell you I once wound up yelling between the upstairs (my mom’s room) and at my brother’s room trying to get one of them to take me to school. I was 15. I couldn’t drive myself. Then two years later they were frustrated at how much school I was missing when I could drive myself.

I wanted to drop out at fourteen and take the GED. I could just skip straight to college. My mom said no. Over and over again.

Four years later I took the HiSET. They start you with some practice exams that will show how much you need to learn before you’re ready. You required to do 12 or 60 hours of classes before you can take the real test. I got put on the 12 hour option. So I showed up to the class and they had me take a longer pretest to see what they needed to teach me. I think I went two or three times before they said “you’re ready to take the tests, I don’t have to teach you anything.” Nine hours of class waived.

I aced the HiSET in one try.

I think I was 19 when I enrolled in college… I think I took the HiSET in spring, so yeah. A year later than everyone I went to high school with.

I was poor so almost all of my schooling was covered by the pell grant. I had to take out a loan for books and stuff, but most of that money went to paying utility bills for my household. I tried college, but my depression came back in full force that winter. I scraped by with my attendance but when it came to the finals… I just didn’t show up. I failed every single class, probably. I didn’t really check.

More pressure from my mom and I went back for a second semester, fully online this time. I had to write a letter begging for my financial assistance back and cited the real personal issues that were plaguing me at the time. Got accepted. I did probably five assignments total.

Finally my mom let me drop out.

So at 20 I started job searching. I’d worked at McDonald’s for a couple weeks at eighteen or so? Stopped showing up because of anxiety. Walmart for a month before my legs physically couldn’t handle standing still for eight hours in the middle of the night anymore. (Going to bed with the sun was a nightmare). I worked for Kohl’s for a single day. Black Friday. Zero training. I was a bagger the whole shift. Never went back.

Before I could really find a job, I went to a convention with a friend and… just never really came home. I picked up some stuff at one point, but I lived with them for a few months. I tried to find a job out there and failed. At least I taught my friend to drive. They had trauma around driving and didn’t get their license until after I helped. We were both early twenties.

I was guilted into coming home again because my grandma got cancer.

So I came home. I got a job at an adult goods store. It was the best job I’d had so far because there was minimal interaction and the boss was decent. They paid $8/hr. I was there for almost a full year when the pandemic hit. I was laid off. The unemployment money took two months to get to my account, but I’d found a new job by then. I was promoted to assistant manager within the seven months I worked there.

My mom didn’t live at home so my brother and I paid the bills. And then he moved out too. So at 24 I was living with a roommate in my mother’s home. I couldn’t leave. I was stuck in that damn town because if I left, who would pay the bills? Who would care for the pets? Finally. Finally she moved back. I’d had two other jobs in the mean time. Another failed job and then my lucky break. A job an hour away. I moved in with my dad for a year and looked desperately for a friend to move in with. One fell through and then.

The friend from before and another. We all moved in together. I lived with my parents until I was 26.

Eight years of anger and hopefulness and finally.

I’m free.

In $14k of debt, but I live on my own, I can drive, and I have a job.

Not bad for a high school dropout.

Can we stop using "still lives with their parents" or "unemployed" or "doesn't have a drivers license" or "didn't graduate high school" as an insult or evidence that someone is a bad person? Struggling with independence or meeting milestones is not a moral failing.

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dilf-docs · 2 days ago

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X Si Volvemos

ex older bf!logan x younger fem!reader

summary: there are many things you and logan disagree in; but not when it comes to things in bed.

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap (phew), smut, ex!logan, exes to ????, p in v, creampie, reader's in her early to middle twenties so her frontal lobe hasn't developed yet; don't expect any reasonable thinking on her side, logan is on his middle to late 40s, angst (duh), this happens in an AU where mutants don't exist bc i don't wanna complicate myself with timelines lol hence time isn't really important but it's contemporary, the vibes i bring to the function are more sad than horny and i'm sorry, toxic too! may build a series around it?

word count: 1,925 words

side note: the incredible @bpmiranda's got me with a very bad case of ex!logan fever :( plus after listening to karol G's album mañana será bonito and seeing i may or may not be obssesed with romeo santos, i got the song in the title on loop: as you can see, it's all very fitting ++ don't forget to check out her stories, they're so good istg!!!!

You shouldn't call.

"Logan" you speak. His name burns in the tip of your tongue, like a secret you're not supposed to tell.

He shouldn't answer.

It's quiet at first on the other line, until a rough voice says I'm here, appearing to be distant, but who is he trying to fool? As soon as he saw the number pop on the screen, his fingers moved with a learned urgency.

You shouldn't keep calling.

"I need you" three words to cover those you actually mean; hanging in the spaces between the silence.

I miss you. I love you.

Your hear a heavy sigh on the other end.

He shouldn't keep answering.

"Princess..." Logan pleads, "don't do this"

You know better than that, he wants to say, but keeps his mouth shut. Just to hear your voice, just to-

"Please, Lo" you whine out. Logan grabs his jeans with force, the fabric strained under his white-knuckled grip. It takes him a lot not to run to you right there and now.

"Don't" but his voice cracks as much as his resistance.

"I've got the house" you whisper the prayer; a routine so sacred none of you seem to break it, "just for us"

"Y/n" even saying your name is painful; like the most addicting and damaging drug to ever exist, "stop"

Logan loved your stubborn heart, but there are times where he wishes you weren't like this.

"I'm sorry" and then he hangs up.

I'm sorry for not being who you needed. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I keep on coming back after I said I would leave you alone. I'm sorry I can't keep my promises.

You feel it around your neck―bruises in the vocals your voice has failed to scream; it chokes you with rage.

"Are you stupid?" you ask yourself in the mirror.

What are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you love him more than you love you?

You dial again, but this time, it's a girl who picks up.

"Yeah?"

"Hi. Wanna go out?"

Logan feels so out of place, but this used to be your favorite bar, and he's desperate for a drink.

Listening to your voice has always made him weak, but after you broke up, it drives him crazy.

He empties another glass, feeling pathetic. This is how bad it's gotten: you've got him scouring the places you used to go, chasing your ghost, trying to get a glimpse of your silhouette or a whiff of the phantom of your scent, the lavender haunting him; getting under his skin.

A song beggins playing, and it's the same vinyl set from two years ago. The night he met you: a pretty young thing so out of place in an old bar like that, playing hard to get, only to end the night moaning over him, fogging his car's windows, saying his name in a way no one else had before. He still remembers the way your legs trembled but he held you, beads of sweat confusing themselves with the glitter on your skin. Logan doesn't know what that is, but he's marveled, so in awe of you, everything of you: young, new, exciting.

But every new thing wears out, and the gap he swore wouldn't matter came crashing in years that built a distance between him and you.

So he did what he did best: ruin it. Deny the feelings bubbling inside; let them consume his reasoning, pushing you like he had done with everyone who cared about him before.

When he broke your heart, he took a part with him. So you keep coming back, looking for it; trying to piece yourself together. And he let's you: because God knows you have a part of himself too.

He's so drunk he probably imagines the hint of lavender in the whiskey tinted air. He's so desperate to see you again, he's seeing your face among the crowd. He's definitely gone insane: hearing that laugh he misses every day.

"Y/n..."

The music pauses: all you can hear is your name being said in that way like it belongs to him.

"...Logan"

He walks in autopilot over to the table you and a group of girls are sitting. They're all beautiful―beautiful people attract beautiful people, but he's only got eyes for you.

"What are you doing here?"

He raises a glass he didn't know he was carrying, "having a drink".

Your lips purse, and Logan doesn't know if it's because you're laughing at him or sad.

"I see" but you divert your gaze, looking at your outfit's neck. The outfit you chose: a black dress that pushes your tits on top. They are on display, and Logan feels played by you―his eyes trained on the strained fabric, tongue watering like it did when he would lick your sensitive nipples.

"I see too" he says in automatic, and one of your friends laughs. He looks away, thanking the low lights, or you'd see the red embarrassment on his face.

You stand up and walk over to him, and your friends sense it's time to leave the two of you alone.

"Why did you hang up?" you throw the question so casually; the nerve you have.

"What do you mean?" it's the only thing that comes to his mind. Very stupid, indeed.

You scoff, "delete my number, then"

"You keep on calling" he bites back.

"And you keep answering"

You never shut up. He hates that.

"I may have to stop"

You get closer, way too closer. So much, your hot breathe clouds his judgment.

"Try to" you dare.

And he tries, he really tries. But not today.

Not today when he takes you home, finally looking complete with you in it again. You had moved out after your last discussion, saying you'll never be back.

"You haven't changed a thing" you murmur in between kisses, and he can sense a bit of melodrama in his voice that makes him roll his eyes despite the dull ache on his chest.

He picks up your body swiftly, carrying you up to the bedroom.

"Why would I?" he asks, voice so low and small you almost miss it.

"Because you hate me" you avoid his eyes, even if your faces are too close, loosing all that corageous character of yours, "said you would get rid of it; of everything that reminded you of me"

But when he drops you softly on the matress, there's still that lamp you got him in the night table.

"I couldn't" he confesses.

I couldn't, he means, because I couldn't let you go.

But you both know it won't work out, something you knew right from the start: because toxic loves only fulfill basic needs. This isn't healthy, but he forgets it all as soon as you're moaning his name. Still, he promises himself he will say goodbye to you this time, even if it's inside of you.

"Shut up and kiss me, then" you're always pushing him around, making him do the things he desires to but doesn't want to do.

So he obliges, leaning in, the lavender so strong all over your sweet skin, poisoning his mouth on every kiss he leaves. He feels you squirm under him, goosebumps along your skin, prickling against his, so visible he can see and feel it even in the dim lit room.

"Take it" Logan doesn't look at you, but when he does, you feel him stare deep into your soul, "I know you want it"

He's sliding his dick inside you as soon as the sentence is over, the permission to take you and use you implicit. He robs a drawn-out groan out of you.

"So tight for me" he murmurs against your shoulder, sharp breaths and soft groans flooding your ears. His cock hits deep within you, hard thrust no one has ever been able to replicate, making you gasp for air, burying your face in the plush pillows now drenched in your sweat.

"You're so deep" you hiss, hot and overwhelmed, waves of pleasure hitting like water against cliffside rocks. "So big, Lo" you whine, dizzy at the way your pussy stretches for him.

"Just for you" he grunts out, and it's the truth. No matter how dark the room is or how many faces he avoids, he always looks into the eyes of the other women he fucks, his heart sinking when he can no longer pretend it's you, "fuck, squeeze a bit more".

Hearing his deep voice, rough when you fuck, always making you soak, coating his dick in your juices. You grip tight, as tight as the nails that hold onto his shoulders, making him moan at the pain.

"Like that, princess. Good girl" you moan at the praise, "I know you could take me, all of me"

He grunts and pants, holding you tighter as his cock pumps faster, in sync with your now closer to happening orgasm.

Before it, he slows down his thrusts, "where do you want me to cum, princess?"

He wants to, inside of you, but he can't do so, not when he promised he wouldn't ruin your life. But making you his, marking you as only his, makes his dick inside you twitch. Fuck, he's so balls deep inside you all he can think is filling you up silly.

"Inside me, Lo" like you read his thoughts, and it always amazes and scares him; how deep inside his mind you are. Never happened, not in his four decades of life. And that's part of the problem: he's closer to death than you are but it's only with you, young―blossoming with life, that he feels truly alive.

So how can he say no, when you plead and beg with those pretty doe eyes of yours? Who could imagine such a sweet thing to be so needy. He feels like you could ask for his heart, and he'd carve a hole in his body for you―bleeding out of love; dying with a smile.

"Such a greedy little thing, princess" he mocks, but his tone betrays him―dripping in adoration, "want me to fill you up all nice?"

A broken wail is what he takes as your answer, your mind in blank.

He finds himself letting go, way faster than he should; he just misses you and your needy dripping pussy that much. You can't hold back longer either, rush flowing through your veins, much more satisfying than the alcohol you had drank an hour ago.

Logan paints your insides with layers of his hot cum, mumbling a soft:

"Anything for my princess" he keeps going, panting as he's milked entirely dry, "anything you want, my girl"

Your vision is still spotty, mind fogged: you're sure that's the reason the hurt hasn't settled in your heart yet.

Then the silence comes, like it always does now.

"Y/n" you always love when he calls you by your name, but you hate the way he's saying it now. Like a goodbye.

"Don't-" you plead, begging he shuts up. But he pulls out, and says:

"It's for the best"

You don't want what's best. You want him.

"Can't believe you wore this dress" he traces the pattern of the tight clothes, damped in sweat, "you know it's my favorite. Why?"

You fail to supress a smile, even if it's tired and almost sad, "I knew you couldn't say no".

The truth is, you know many things: like how this is never going to stop until it's destroyed you both.

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typicalopposite · 22 hours ago

Note

I have actually never really sent a prompt to anyone . So idk how much to ask for or how to really give one . But I guess some idea of

118 responding to a horrible bar fight and they find Tommy seriously injured. Buck sees the guy who did it at the scene and he gets furious.

Idk if I asked right lol

Here you go <3 I hope you like it!

(gonna kill two birds with one stone here)

Fuck It Friday

tagged by @bidisasterevankinard & @nine-one-wanton & @lavenderleahy love you all! thank youuu!

(TW: homophobia and racism)

Buck tries to hide just how many times he pulls his phone out, opens the screen and checks to see if Tommy is typing again. He keeps it down by his leg, turns his back to the rest of the team, even hides out in the bathroom a couple times just to stare at the spot where for such a brief moment Tommy was considering saying something… but then changed his mind.

It’s late and he’s laying on one of the top bunks, eyes fixated on the screen, when Eddie pushes the door open. “Come on Buck…” he sighs. “You gotta give it a rest, man.” Buck tightens his hand around the phone, anticipating Eddie trying to snatch it away again, but he doesn’t. Instead he slumps down to the bottom bunk and goes quiet, leaving Buck alone with that very minimal advice and still no more bubbling.

The bell rings just as Buck is starting to doze off.

A bar fight; a bad one at that. They arrive on the scene and Eddie pulls the ambulance up and parks it right behind the engine. The customers are scattered all around the dirt lot, some talking to each other, some on their phones, some talking with police. Bobby said Athena was the first to arrive, but she’s not outside so Buck assumes she’s in the bar talking to the owner.

One of the bartenders directs them towards a guy sitting hunched over on a bench, holding his face. Eddie goes to him and Buck follows, while Hen and Bobby head inside to where people are saying the more severely injured victim is— or maybe it’s the perpetrator… they aren’t exactly sure what even happened yet. Eddie starts on cleaning the man’s busted brow, and examining the black eye already forming around it. Buck pulls an instant cold compress out and offers it to him for the swelling. All the while the man drunkenly rambles on about how the owner has let the place go to shit… letting just anyone in. Not caring about the patrons who funded them for years with their business.

Buck listens to his hate filled tirade, but only partially, also tuning in to a server who is telling Athena’s new rookie about what happened. How the guy Eddie was working on had antagonized the whole thing. She seems extremely worried about the other guy taking multiple kicks to the stomach and to the head. “He wasn’t even bothering anyone,” she says, voice shaking from crying. “He was just talking to Darlene about—” she pauses and gives a soft tearful laugh. “Well, he kept calling him ‘his Evan’. But he was so sad because he said he wasn’t really his anymore.”

It was as if all the sound around him vanished, and his feet were moving before his brain could register where they were going.

A hand on his chest stopping him from crossing the bar snaps him out of it; it’s Athena. She’s wearing that stern Sergeant Grant look, though it’s fraying around the edges with worry. “Is it him…” Buck starts, looking past her to where Hen is knelt down. Athena purses her lips, furrows her brows… and nods. Buck sucks in a sharp breath and tries to bypass her— he could easily bypass her if he wanted to, but he won’t. He allows her stiffened arm pushing against him to hold him back. “H- How bad is it,” he asks, fighting back against the tears rushing to his eyes.

“He’s pretty banged up, but he’s in good hands,” she gestures back towards where Hen is working feverishly over— over Tommy. Buck feels like he might pass out. Athena moves so she is in his line of view, and his focus is back on her, then gives him a sympathetic look. “Now I need to go out there so I can arrest the man who did this… soon as Eddie is done with him; and I need you to try to stay calm and not do anything… rash.”

Buck clenches his jaw, looking over her once again towards Tommy; he can barely see him for the tables and chairs, and multiple first responders hovering around where he’s sprawled out on the floor.

Athena squeezes his arm and he reluctantly follows her to stand outside. “Just wait here, okay…” she says, before walking over to Eddie and the man who hurt Tommy— his Tommy. He glares over towards them, his blood is boiling. He clenches his jaw tighter, gritting his teeth together.

The guy looks up at Athena as she starts explaining that he has been identified as the perp, and she is arresting him. Before she can begin reading his rights, though, he leaps up— eyes bulging, lips pulled back in snarl, a finger pointing angrily right in Athena’s face. “I’ll be damned if I’m getting arrested for this; for– for doing a public service,” he spits. Athena stares at him, unfazed. “Besides, he attacked me!” The man gestures towards his face.

“He did not!” The server snaps back. Athena offers her a smile, putting a hand up for her to not argue with him.

“I see what he did to you, and after the story I heard— about all the things you were in here ranting and raving about, with your chest puffed out like you're some big man just ‘cause you’re supposedly brave enough to say the all hateful things on your mind— hell, I can’t say I would have blamed him for doing more.”

The man sneered, but stepped back. “Yeah, I figured someone like you would sympathize with someone like that. I guess I might as well chalk this up to being demonized for being the normal one.”

“I’m sure you demonized yourself, all by yourself,” Athena says with an eye roll. She shoves him around and handcuffs him. “And I’m sure you’ll easily demonize yourself among your fellow inmates as well… though I highly doubt you’ll get lucky enough to get the upper hand again.”

She grabs his arm and leads him towards her patrol car, passing Buck while keeping a good distance from him. It doesn’t stop the man from looking over and catching Buck’s name tag. “Buckley…” he says, then chuckles. “As in Evan Buckley…” he throws his head back and fully laughs. “So you’re the one he was in there sniffling over like a poor love sick fa—” Buck is charging at him before he can finish the slur… they can fire him for it; who cares. He is stopped by Eddie, and held back long enough for Athena to get the man in her car.

Eddie loosens his hold and Buck shoves him the rest of the way off, then turns towards the bar. He can hear Eddie calling after him, he just doesn’t care enough to listen to anyone on what they think he should do anymore. Right now he just wants to see Tommy.

“Buck,” Bobby says, moving towards the door as he comes in. Buck walks past him, shying out of the way of the hand reaching for his shoulder. He pushes through the people, and reaches Hen just as they are getting the gurney lifted up onto its wheels.

He sees Tommy.

His shirt has been cut open and dark bruises are covering his torso from the man’s boots. His arm looks broken. His face— Buck sucks in a sharp breath— his face is unrecognizable. He wants to run to him, but he can’t move.

The jolt of the gurney locking into place causes him to stir. He groans and lolls his head to the side. “Easy there, Tommy.” Hen says, gently laying a hand on him so he doesn’t move.

“H- Hen?” Tommy turns his head towards her, but both of his eyes are so swollen and completely shut. “Oh god… Ev— B- Buck… he’s not here, is he? I don’t want him to see this…” His lip trembles and it takes the broken pieces of Buck’s heart and grounds them to dust.

Hen looks at Buck, and Buck shakes his head. “No, he— he was man behind for this one,” she lies. “He’s not here.”

Tommy breathes, it comes out haggard. “I– I’m so stupid, Hen… I- I was so scared and I hurt him. I didn’t— I didn’t mean to; I didn’t want to. ” Hen looks over the gurney at Buck. Buck still can’t move, he can’t speak, he can’t breathe. “I- I need to tell him I’m sorry. I was going to text him but— I can’t do it over a text…”

Hen encourages him to lie still, and save his energy. “You’ll get the chance to tell him Tommy,” she says, flicking her eyes to Buck.

“I– I love him, Hen… I want him back…”

Buck’s heart clenches; it feels like it's being ripped straight out of his chest. “I know you do,” Hen says softly, still looking at Buck. The gurney is taken away, towards the ambulance. Hen lags behind, walking over to Buck. “Well…” she says, offering a smile. “There’s your answer.” She rests her hand on Buck’s back and leads him out of the bar towards the ambulance.

#bucktommy #evan buckley #tommy kinard #fuck it friday #answered asks #thank you bestie! <3

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soursherbat · 4 hours ago

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LAMB X BISHOP MASTERPOST YEAAAA!!!

(original template link)

this genuinely took me so long but i needed to explore my ship dynamics with ramzi and his bishops! more details under the cut if you want to know more- warning this post is LONG!!!:

in order, just adding notes and addendums :3c im super sleep deprived so im trying my best but i need to yap about them

ramzi's pronouns are it/he/they!

narinder;

initially a very slow burn relationship, this sheet shows them at their peak. it takes a very long time for the lamb to forgive narinder, and vice versa, but once they're over their differences they're committed.

notes;

he/they for narinder :3c he's bisexual with a preference for masc presenting people!

prefers to be the big spoon but will allow ramzi to take that spot if it really insists on it

reaallly loves to wear the lamb's fleeces and cloaks (the only clothing of theirs that will fit them) but is too proud to directly ask for them

narinder really does not like most people- the only ones he usually socializes with are ramzi and his siblings, possibly a follower he can tolerate for a few minutes. if ramzi is talking to others while narinder is shadowing him he tends to just flick his tail and sulk quietly until his lamb gives him attention again

narinder isn't great with words, they prefer to show ramzi their love with physical affection (in private) and acts of service, while ramzi is more than willing to shower narinder with loving words and acts of devotion

ramzi refuses to confess his feelings to narinder first, full stop. narinder waits and waits, but eventually gives in and tells ramzi how he feels first- ramzi is still feeling bitter and betrayed by narinder, not appreciating them snatching it from its peaceful death to be a tool in his games. they're both incredibly conflicted, it takes a long while for them to work their differences out. its not something that can be solved with a single conversation, but eventually they come to terms with everything that's happened and make amends

ramzi wouldn't actually squash the bug- he'd prefer to just grab it and take it out of whatever space its invaded, narinder will just smack it and be done with it

im just applying the driving one if i ever make a modern au lmfao

narinder cannot cook to save his damn life after being locked up for so long- ramzi had to learn quickly being raised by ratau, i'll be real i dont think that rat knows how to cook

that prickly cat would prefer not to show his love for the lamb in public, but he might sneak a kiss while no one is looking... ramzi however doesn't care, though he does like to fluster narinder a little by flirting while others are around

these two would kill for each other, narinder is practically begging the lamb to let him do so actually- nari is described as the lamb's shadow (affectionately) by most because of how often he's seen just following it around the cult. god help you if you confess your love to the lamb while he's around- though ramzi does get pretty jealous if he sees anyone making eyes at his special kitty...

nari is 4,000 years old virgin to me lmao. ramzi has had a few relationships before narinder, it actually marries shamura before nari- they're not beating the toxic yaoi allegations any time soon they were still battling their resentment around that time

i'll touch on the spicier dynamics in a dedicated post sometime >:3c that'll apply to the rest too-

i wouldn't describe narinder as being awkward, but moreso stoic and lost really. he's also just incredibly pissed off with ramzi, feeling robbed of his rightful status as a god and feeling jealous of everything its built for itself in such a small amount of time- later on he's moreso flustered than nervous or awkward because that damned lamb wont stop flirting with him

gods help you if narinder even sees you making eyes at the lamb. he's incredibly possessive over his former vessel, its perceived rejection of him made something in him snap and they want to possess it, even if he knows that's not exactly plausible... he's normal, i swear (<-lying) ramzi returns some of that energy, it really does not like followers flirting with its favorite cat- i'll be the first to admit that they've got some toxic codependency going on

leshy;

leshy uses any pronouns! they really just don't care that much, same with its sexuality

these two fight over who gets to be the big spoon, since they're nearly even in height (leshy tries to argue his branches make him taller) it makes it easier for them to trade big/little spoon positions- but theyre so competitive they end up wrestling over it

leshy can't even see the clothes he's wearing, but it likes the idea of ramzi matching with them, even if it won't directly admit that

ramzi is rarely called by name when leshy is around, it's always 'lambzi', 'lamby', 'cottonball', or any other seemingly sarcastic pet name he can come up with for it- meanwhile ramzi often calls it 'wiggler' or 'wormy'

compared to leshy, ramzi is a little less outgoing. leshy loves to be the center of attention, he loves to pull pranks and cause mischief whenever he can.

ramzi's quick to let leshy know it is loved through any means, though surprisingly leshy is a bit more inconspicuous about showing his affections for his lamb through old traditions it clearly has no clue about but leshy gets a bit of joy watching its confusion (shamura tells it later-)

these two have a pretty easygoing relationship, at first leshy is upset about its lost godhood but it quickly begins to like staying with the lamb when they learn how accommodating and, frankly, extremely chaotic it is- they get along very well and have a teasing, poking and earnestly soft relationship rather early on. leshy admits his feelings first, mainly getting fed up that ramzi hasnt confessed that he obviously likes it by that point

neither of them mind bugs, leshy actually likes them quite a bit. they'd prefer to catch and release rather than smash them

the poor worm is blind of course he cant cook!! they might be able to if they really focused on building muscle memory and focusing their senses but they're honestly just too lazy to bother, heket's cooking is better anyway

leshy doesn't care if anyone is looking, he loves his lamb! it gets a little embarrassed when they know its siblings are around, but she does get a kick out of knowing its making narinder jealous

ramzi would lay down his life for his precious chaotic grub, it knows leshy is more than capable but they can't help but worry sometimes- leshy knows ramzi can handle itself so its pretty relaxed about everything, unless ramzi comes home particularly hurt

i like to think leshy was a bachelor in his time... why not?? he's the bishop of chaos, im sure it's started a love triangle intentionally to watch them fight over her- ramzi however is a little less experienced in romance

leshy has not an ounce of awkwardness in his body, ramzi's a little awkward when it says something particularly unhinged but otherwise they match each other's freak a little too well

leshy would never admit to ramzi that the smell of anyone else stuck to his wool makes leshy a little jealous... another reason it likes to lend her clothes to ramzi, really-

heket;

she/they/he for heket, she's bisexual with a preference toward women

heket is the big spoon, no questions asked. she loves to cradle that lamb in his arms and it is NOT one to complain about that

heket doesnt lend out her clothes very often, but they like to see how baggy it is on ramzi- she quite likes seeing it wake up wearing her shirts...

ramzi is incredibly formal with heket, usually referring to her by name or some honorific to show its respect (something she appreciates greatly)- meanwhile heket is always referring to the lamb by anything but its name, really

heket's level of social battery depends on the day, some days they would prefer not to speak to anyone, others she's more outgoing

heket shows her affection by making sure ramzi isn't overworking itself, making sure it's eating and sleeping- she knows it can care for themself, but she just wants to protect her lamb.

there's absolutely no way heket would swallow his pride and confess her brewing feelings for ramzi, they wait very patiently for it to finally get their nerve up and admit that he wants to pursue a relationship with her- after (mostly) healing her throat, she doesn't feel so lonely in the cult once her voice returns and she begins to feel conflicted about ramzi... she wants to hate him, but it's doing everything they can to help her siblings and she can't help but respect and admire it for that, they would admit that she would never consider it if she was still a god-

heket thinks bugs are cute, she'll either catch and release them or keep them in a little container for a bit (she's never beating the weird little sister allegations to me)

ramzi's cooking definitely is not as good as heket's, if it cooks a meal the whole cult is asking when it's heket's turn next LMAO-

PDA ruins heket's cool and stoic exterior in her eyes, though she can't just say that to the lamb- they'll gladly give him a hug or a kiss when nobody's looking, though

honestly, ramzi is just protective over all of the bishops. it feels terribly for killing them repeatedly and making them suffer in purgatory, and it never wants to see them suffer again- heket knows the lamb is strong, she's seen it with her own eyes. that doesn't stop him from worrying for them a little when they leave on crusade, however...

heket has some relationship experience, though its been a WHILE- forneus and ramzi are her most recent endeavors and she's incredibly awkward about both of them

heket is insanely awkward, she tries to maintain a cool exterior but it's so hard when that damned lamb is so cute and that sweet cat mom is so kind and shaped- whats a woman to do in her situation??

she can get a little bit jealous if her buttons are pushed on the wrong day, but other than that ramzi and heket have a pretty open relationship

kallamar;

any pronouns for kallamar! though he/she are most preferred, she's very lax about his gender and loves to experiment

despite being nearly a full foot and a half taller than ramzi, kallamar loves to be its little spoon! he feels so safe in his lamb's embrace, she would never leave if it was possible

none of her clothes would fit the lamb, but he does have clothing made for it often! he'll be damned if he lets ramzi walk around looking anything less than presentable, even if they're naked they must be TASTEFULLY naked- (though his definition of what that means is a bit nebulous. ramzi's convinced he just wants to ogle)

they love to make up pet names for each other, 'mari' and 'kallie' are ramzi's favorites to use for his precious husband. kallamar is particularly fond of calling ramzi his puppy, often flustering it-

kallamar is a YAPPER and she will not shut up about how much he loves her lamb! ramzi doesn't mind it, but she's often talking so much that it can't properly find the words to express it back- so they give gifts often, knowing how much their wife loves to adorn himself in jewelry and silks!

ramzi is actually a little bit intimidated by kallamar's experience in love and how pretty he is, kallamar ends up making a very dramatic love confession in front of everyone, totally flustering ramzi (though it has to admit he really loves the dedication!)

he is TERRIFIED of bugs kallamar will shriek so loudly if she finds even a small beetle anywhere near her living space- ramzi often finds itself catching the little bugs while kallie screams bloody murder in the corner

kallamar absolutely can cook but he doesn't want the responsibility of cooking entire meals for the whole cult so she intentionally cooks like shit to avoid it- ramzi catches onto that pretty quickly though

these two need to get a ROOM the confessional is NOT to be used in that way!!!

kallamar's overprotective attitude mainly comes from a place of not wanting the lamb's image to be ruined, he'll tend to their makeup and wardrobe, even helping to enforce loyalty amongst their flock to keep their image pristine- and kallamar is just an easy bullying target, ramzi is Very quick to put an end to that!

kallamar is absolutely more experienced than ramzi, though he's no less dedicated to it. it makes their relationship very calm, there's very little tension between them!

ramzi is very awkward around kallamar at first, he's pretty indignant and a bit cruel to it during the first few weeks- once ramzi begins offering him gifts and praise she warms up rather quickly, however. ramzi's disarmingly cute appearance and dirty mouth tends to make kallamar a nervous mess sometimes, though...

there's not a single ounce of jealousy between these two 🧍‍♂️ they both understand that they're dedicated to one another, and can dedicate themselves to others without compromising their bond

shamura;

they/it for mura! i feel that they enjoy experimenting with their clothing in relation to their gender, but they prefer neutral pronouns

these two take turns on who gets to be the big spoon, though usually shamura claims that spot

shamura loves to weave clothes for ramzi! they enjoy seeing his face light up when they incorporate designs ramzi has shown them that sheep often wore, wanting to keep that memory alive for it

they're pretty formal at first, but the two of them can't help but call each other by loving nicknames once they've become comfortable with each other- ramzi often calls shamura 'softie' or 'dearest'

shamura prefers to keep to themself, though they've grown rather attached to webber. they've basically adopted the little creature, that's their son...

once clarity has returned to shamura through ramzi's healing, they have a better grasp on their words- but they still struggle to word their feelings a lot of the time. they try their best, but they find it easier to give gifts or show their affections with physical intimacy when words fail them

shamura is incredibly paranoid and wary of ramzi's presence when they're first indoctrinated, until they finally break bread and reach an understanding, shamura doesn't even consider the lamb could feel anything but hatred and resentment toward them. it assumes that he wants to seek revenge, but learns that he just wants to help them- it takes a bit longer for the fear to truly leave shamura, but when they never feel that dagger in their back, they begin to soften it clearly isnt lying to them, it's helped all of their siblings become as happy as he can- and it asks nothing in return of them? it feels too good to be true, but they can't help but trust him eventually ramzi confesses first, and is initially (softly) rejected... but theyre not entirely opposed! mainly conflicted, for a while-

they both love bugs, obviously- though sometimes ramzi gets bitten while trying to show shamura the little spiders he's captured

shamura likes to cook but they prefer liquid only foods- it's not horrible, but sometimes they want more variety

shamura is a bit shy about their relationship with the lamb, they're the least experienced with this sort of thing out of all of the bishops- war and reason have no room for love and compassion, after all. they're learning, with ramzi's help

if someone even LOOKS at ramzi the wrong way, shamura is the first to come to the lamb's defense. both a form of devotion, claiming ramzi as their charge they'd guard with their life, and a form of facing their grief- they'd ended ramzi's life once, they don't want to see it hurt anymore

these two match each other's freak so well its scary- you dont wanna see what happens in the mating tent when these two are in there!!

after shamura's initial wariness and shortness with ramzi fades, they become incredibly shy and awkward- they don't know how to navigate all these new feelings, and it doesn't really know who to turn to for advice

shamura is very possessive of their lamb- they were the first to be wed by it, after all- not to mention i personally think them being a spider influences this quite a bit,

WOAW THATS IT!!! holy shit thats a lot of text.... anyway if u have any questions abt any of them or want more clarification feel free to send me asks i love to yap abt them all <3

oh boy im not looking forward to putting all the tags on this

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asomaton · 2 days ago

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“Wake”

I live alone. There should be no voices here. A dim person with long black hair dressed in gray nondescript clothing is standing by my bed. It raises a hand and says

“The pantheon is expanding. You have been measured and found fit. Comfort your flock Listen to the pleas from the new.”

“Who? What? I’ve got nothing here. What do you want?” I scramble for my glasses but when I turn around the person is gone. Squinting in the dim light I try to see where they went. Bolting from the bed I turn on the lights and scan the apartment. Nothing. My heart is hammering in my chest. Not a trace. Walking round the bed I step into something. Sand. Two footprints like small crescent moons on the floor. After going through everything in the apartment and finding nothing, all doors locked, no broken windows, I grab my phone and take a picture of the sand. Are they really footprints? Was it all a dream and I imagined the sand as footprints? A very vivid dream. These things happen right? I mean it happened to me. I still grab an old heavy shoehorn made of brass and tries to sleep. If they come back I sure will shoehorn them good. Sleep do not come that night.

Two weeks after the “visit” the tinnitus starts. It’s not like in the descriptions, more like a susurrant mumbling. I blame it on stress and the fact that I’ve been having trouble sleeping. Nothing too bad. This is the price for my younger years with warehouse parties and concerts I guess. The tinnitus gets worse though and the noise canceling headphones I get from office only helps with sound from outside the head. Sometimes it shrieks and wails. Damn annoying really. Perhaps I should seek help?

The turning point comes when a colleague who been sick for a long while comes to visit work. Not a close friend. Just some guy with a booming voice who used to claim he had a “zest for life”. Why was he working here then? He’s not booming now. He look pale, almost gray and the skin hangs from his cheeks.

“It’s an experimental treatment.” he says with a hollow voice. “They couldn’t find a donor so I’ve got a lab-grown liver.” He gives a coughing and rattling laugh. “Fancy that huh? I’m like a pioneer.” He looks seriously again. Stricken. “Problem is it doesn’t really want to stick, yeah? Not sure if I get another chance. Probably won’t come back. Just wanted to see you guys one last time.” He smiles twitchy and I hear it. The din in my ears rises up to a choir of a million voices, clear, shivering and full of fright. Something alive, squabbling and scrambling to find something they can relate to. A safe haven. Anything. And something responds in me. A take a step forward and gently place three fingers on the shirt covering my colleagues stomach and says steady and reassuring

“This is your home now. Find peace. “

And my colleague who I’m not really friends with and whose stomach I’ve just touched in a weird way look at me. Confused, but strangely serene. He just calmly turn around and goes back to the elevator. Before he leaves he turns his head to me and waves. I wave back and smile. He’s going to be alright. His liver is going to be alright. I’ve reassured the new life in his abdomen. The lab grown engineered life forms to which I’m set to guide and protect in its many myriad forms.

My first thought after the insight, strangely, is that I always wanted pets, and now I suddenly have billions, manufactured under microscopes all over the world.

You wake up suddenly to find an androgynous being by your bed, congratulating you on your ascension to godhood and vanishing without explaining your domain or power set. Now you have to figure out what kind of god you are, and why you're a god to begin with

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lettre-romantiques · 1 day ago

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7#-> 💌: a letter has arrived from satoru gojo.

dear y/n,

pretty abrupt.. if this gets through, if you're not bawling your pretty little eyes out then i am dead. i know it's a little sudden to start this letter off but.. i don't wanna sugarcoat it because i know it’s going to hurt you more than i can even imagine. i didn’t want it to end like this, not like this, but here we are. and honestly, after everything, i think i’m okay with it.

i don’t want you to feel anger right now. i don’t want you to feel regret. this isn’t your fault. if there’s anyone to blame, it’s me. it’s always been me. i knew the risks, i knew what i was up against, but i kept pushing forward. i know this isn’t how you’d want to hear it. i know you’re going to hate me for leaving you with nothing but these words. this letter is all i have left to give you. i know it won’t make up for anything. but i’m trying, in the only way i know how. if there’s any justice in this world, you’ll get it. for me, for us. and maybe, just maybe, it’ll be enough to make things right again.

i think about what could’ve been. what we could’ve had. you and me. together. free from all of this. i’d take you away, y/n, if i could. to somewhere safe, somewhere quiet. no more curses, no more fighting, no more deaths. just us, finally living a life without the weight of the world on our shoulders. but it’s not going to happen, is it? the way things are, the way the world works, it was always a dream. too big. too much. something even i wasn’t able to achieve.

but.. y/n, it’s strange. the moment i saw my own blood, the moment i knew this was it, i realized something. for all the years i’ve spent knowing to be invincible, the one thing i never considered was the idea of you. of you being the one who’d have to pick up the pieces. of you carrying the weight of everything i couldn’t save. and i need you to know this isn’t your burden to bear.

i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i really am, you were the most wonderful partner i could ever be with.

if i could have stayed, i would’ve. you know that. but that’s not how it ended. i want you to live. i want you to find a way to be happy again. i don’t care how long it takes, or how hard it is. i want you to find that peace, even if i’m not there to see it.

you deserve justice for everything. for the pain, for the loss, for the rage you’ll feel when you read these words and realize you won’t ever get another chance to hold me again. i don’t know if this world will ever be just. i don’t know if they’ll ever pay for what they did to us. but i trust you to do what needs to be done. you always were the better one, even if you didn’t know it. just don’t lose yourself. that’s all i ask of you.

this letter is all i have left to give you. and i know it won’t make up for anything. i wish i could say more. i wish i could say goodbye in a way that wouldn’t leave you crying. i wish i could be there to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you that i love you one more time. but this is all i have left. these words. and maybe, just maybe, they’ll be enough to make sure you know how much i loved you, though i understand that’ll be unlikely. but i hope that, one day, you’ll read this and know that i loved you. that i will always love you.

listen, i know you’re going to fight. i know that rage is going to take over you— the same rage that’s been inside me during this time. but please, please don’t let it consume you. don’t let it make you lose yourself. i don’t want you to become someone else because of me. i don’t want you to walk down the same path that i did, believing that the only way to get justice is through bloodshed. you’re better than that. you always were.

this is it. there’s a part of me that wishes i could have done more, that wishes i could have fought harder, that wishes i could have come up with some plan, some way to get us both out of this hellhole of a world. but i’m done pretending. i’m done trying to outsmart fate.

i know what’s coming, y/n. and i’ve made peace with it. maybe it’s because i’ve been facing the inevitable for so long that it’s not as terrifying as it should be. but that doesn’t mean i’m not afraid. i’m afraid of leaving you behind. i’m afraid of not being able to make things right. i’m afraid of knowing that you’ll have to live without me.

i’m sorry. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you. i’m sorry that this world took me from you. but i want you to keep going. for me. for us. please, y/n. keep living. for me. for us. find a way to heal. find a way to move forward. i won’t be there to help you. i won’t be there to hold your hand, but i’ll always be with you in the pieces of your heart. i’ll always be there, just like i promised.

i know how this sounds. i know how it feels to read words on a page that won’t ever bring me back, and that’s the hardest thing about this. i’m writing this to you, and it’s just a letter. it’s all i have. but i need you to understand that you have so much more than this. you have everything you need to keep going.

i’m so fucking sorry. forgive me, please. forgive me for leaving you like this, for doing this to you. i never wanted to hurt you. i never wanted to put you through any of this. but here we are. and now, this is the reality we’re facing. i know it’s not fair. nothing about this is.

i wish i could’ve seen your smile once more. it’s imprinted in my brain, like a photo i can’t shake, but no matter how hard i try, it’s never enough. every time i close my eyes, i can still picture it— that soft, cute smile that always makes everything feel okay. you have no idea how much it means to me, y/n. that smile, that light, it was the one thing i could hold onto when everything around me seemed dark. i’ve spent so much of my life chasing after something, trying to make a difference. but in the end, it was you. your smile. your warmth. that was the real answer, the thing that kept me grounded. and now, knowing i’ll never see it again, it’s like a part of me is missing. i’ll carry it with me, but it's not the same. i want to hold onto that memory forever, but i can’t shake the feeling that it’s slipping away. and that hurts more than i can put into words.

goodness, i’m tearing up, how silly. ironic.

there’s so much i love about you. it’s impossible to list it all, but if i could, i would tell you about the way your eyes light up when you laugh, how it’s like the whole world falls away and nothing else matters. i love the way you’re always thinking of others, even when you’re carrying your own weight. you never asked for the world to be this way, and yet, you still choose to fight. i love how you challenge me, how you make me want to be better, even when i thought i was already everything i could be. but more than that, i love how you loved me. even when i was too reckless, too wild, too lost. when i couldn’t even love myself fully, you made me believe that i was worth something.

you made me feel like i was home. i don’t think i’ve ever truly felt like i belonged after suguru, somewhere until i met you. with you, i could finally breathe. i could finally let my guard down. there’s something about the way you hold me, like everything’s going to be okay, even when it’s not. i’ll carry that feeling with me, y/n, even as i’m fading away. it’s the only thing that gives me peace right now.

but damn, it hurts knowing i’ll never get to hold you like that again, to hear your voice call my name, to feel your hand in mine. the world’s going to keep turning, and i won’t be there for you when you need me most. and that breaks me more than anything. but if you can, if you can find a way to move on, just know that i’ll always be in your heart. always. even if it feels like i’m gone, know that a part of me will always be with you. it’s just the part of me that loves you most.

i’m sorry for not being there. when i wasn’t there for the quiet moments, the ones that mattered most. and now, all i have is this— these words, these apologies, and a lifetime of regret i won’t get to undo. i’m sorry for the pain i caused you, for all the times i didn’t

show up when i promised i would. i’m sorry i made you feel alone in the one thing that should’ve brought us together. at least our last conversation we had wasn’t a big fight. i’m glad for that. but i’m also sad that will be our last.

but hey, i'm gonna die with a smile. not because it's easy, obviously, but because i'm okay with it, because for a second, just for a second, i had something real. something worth fighting for. we had our good moments, right? those little pieces of time where everything felt right, when it was just you and me against the world. i wouldn't trade that for anything. so yeah, i’m smiling, even now, because i got to love you. even if it’s only for a moment, it’s more than some people ever get. and that’s enough for me.

goodbye, my sweetheart. don’t forget me.

i love you.

from, satoru gojo.

p.s. i love you. more than i’ll ever be able to put into words. and in the end, that’s all i really have to give you. my love. always and forever.

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olderthannetfic · 5 hours ago

Note

Today I had a little lesson in my naivety… I have a very long fic that I’m working on in my fandom, and recently, I got a comment that was super nice, at the end, they asked if I had any socials so that they could talk to me more about the fic.

I was really excited, because this was how I made a lot of my really good friends, so I was totally down to chat. We got to chatting and eventually they mentioned they were an animator and we just started talking more and then before I realized it, it was basically a pitch for me to commission them. I love to support artists whenever I can, but I am a bit in between jobs atm, and they told me this was “going to have to be a paid collab” (which I wasn’t even looking for a commission or anything, this just happened). They were really pushy about it, telling me that they would charge between 1800-2200 USD for 10 secs of animation (more than fair, animation is HARD work, but again, I didn’t ask for a commission), and that they were willing to let me pay in installments…

It’s a bit petty but I’m just kind of miffed that they said in the comment that they wanted to talk about my fic, I love doing that, I love talking shop and about my process and all that jazz! Like I said, I made a lot of friends because of that, and I’m really grateful for them!! This particular fic, I’ve been working on it for a little over 2.5 years, it’s my baby atp, so it just stung a little more that it was used to basically try and fish for a commission… I remember thinking “this is all well and good, but did you actually LIKE my fic? Or were you just going around to see if anyone will bite at your offer?”

It’s just a pretty sucky feeling, it’s been a few hours and I’m still really upset :(

Hi! I'm the person that was sad about getting commission fished by someone asking for 1800-2200 USD for a ten second animation for their longfic..... I have now, belatedly, realized that was a scam, and I feel like a big idiot, but luckily they don't have any of my information and I've told all my friends about them Now the only thing to do is to nurse my ego like the big doofus I am haha XD

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otterloreart · 1 day ago

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What's in the Box?

PONY PONIES IN THE BOX

If you've been following along you may have seen that @queenofsquids printed the Takara-inspired BJD last week, both in a "mini" test form and a full-sized one. The full-sized one was supposed to be in yellow, but the pure yellow resin turned out to be a more orangey tone. She incredibly generously offered to send me the orange pony BJD

And then

She incredibly incredibly again generously sent not only the little test takara-bjd in grey BUT ALSO printed my original takara 3D model and sent that?! This is so unbelievably kind and generous. I was so surprised when I opened them all!

I'm not sure if you were all aware but I actually dont have a print of the original "Takara duplicate" doll. I did get the seapony PLA printed at the library (and it was my first ever 3D print!).

For my second print, I got the Dollightful bunny doll printed because I wanted to have experience with jointed dolls made by other people before I put more complex models out. So I figured it would be a while before I got the chance to see my newer models printed.

So like its actually so kind of @queenofsquids to send these but also it's really meaningful to me because I started the takara project where I became obsessed with them over a year ago. It's so amazing to see this thing that frankly I spent so much time fiddling with (even if there are some imperfections; more about that later) and hold it in my hands 🥹 I just keep looking at them and smiling

Also I immediately stole the clothes off my NaNaNa dolls and put them on mini-takara-bjd. They're a little short but fit pretty well!

Some design notes/planned adjustments under cut

-The neck and arm balls are definitely too blocky, this doesn't impact the movement but it is very visually obvious

-Queenofsquids mentioned this but the arm bean is too big and gets stuck in the arm sockets.

^^ These two issues are the most obvious upon brief inspection but are also easy to fix so I'm gonna put out a version ASAP adjusting the file. Call it the version Version 1 Hotfix. Both of these should be fixed in the existing models with a bit of sanding.

-The legs are like just a touch too blocky and I think you can also see lines in the head and chest areas ;-; I think this would depend on the printer, like it might be fine in PLA due to the lower resolution. This can also be buffed out but I can adjust it with some effort

-> I think the blockiness issues come down to the fact I was trying to make the models not too high resolution because then the file size is massive, can't import into cura properly, and even slows down *my* beefy computer. that's why it might take a bit for me to adjust all of these pieces, especially the legs because they have a lot of booleans that lag blender. basically i leaned in the other direction and went a bit too far with some pieces.

-legs are very thin at the bottom (ran into this issue with the dollightful bunny doll too and had to redo quite a bit actually to make it neat)

-The bottom of the heart on the knee in particular is an imperfect fit. I was getting errors in Cura because of some issues related to the knee so I had to remesh it, if you'll remember, so I will need to maybe go in and redo that one :/

-The line around the eyes could be a touch more pronounced, its supposed to be somewhat stylized eyelashes

-I need to play with the arms/legs more to figure out potential issues with the existing joints. But they do at least work and hold poses. I'm not sure if people would prefer anything more complicated like locking joints or if this level of poseability is acceptable

Other things I want to experiment with

-hand pose variation

-nose/mouth variations? it is actually kind of funny to imagine you could switch the expression out to a little :o face or a c: or :3 type of thing

-pegasus/unicorn/fluffy hoof variants like i had planned before

so much stuff :0 and I haven't even finished bunny doll, although at least her paint job is basically done. Once I string the big BJD I can also test posing.

#3D print #resin #ball-jointed doll #wip #anthro doll

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dreamsarebutterflies · 3 days ago

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I didn't mean this particular scene or by the end of the manga but BEFORE that obviously. Ranma's character development is never stopping and that's what I love the most about his character: he's willing to learn and I do believe he knows himself too. After all, you need to if you try to be a master of martial arts.

Independently of the curse itself, parental pressure played a role in this idea of what a man is supposed to be. First, Genma and his mother made a freaking pact to make a MAN™ out of him. The alternative is DEATH. That alone would put things into your teenage head.

Despite this, he inherited his mother's kindness and he's genuine. Those parts can be seen as feminine in the most traditional ways. He wasn't raised to expose these qualities to the world, which makes him awkward at times when he wants to be nice to Akane for example. To be fair, he turned out fine as far as traditional boys go. He can be a jerk but he's a good kid who has actual affection for all these crazy people coming at him and Akane. If they get into trouble or ask for his help, he'd probably assist them.

Ranma wishing to be a FULL man isnt something new but the reasons evolve as the story goes on. Not necessarily because he changes or because he meets new people but we, as an audience, learn more and more about him.

You cannot ignore that this kid who didn't see his mother for ten years and lived in his father's fear of disappointing her for the whole while he was cursed, deeply wished to cancel this part of him so he could get home and see his mother again (and get rid of one more threat to his life). This reason surely existed before she was introduced. Because, as you said, Ranma has no idea what a home is. His mother was initially home. Now, the idea of Home is Akane and what brought them to be together. You cannot tell me he didn't put it into his head, one way or another, that for him to deserve to stay there with her, he had to be a Man™.

Isn't an explicit notion but the simple fact that Ranma mentions getting back to Akane as he is here is a hint that he wanted to return to her as a complete man again at some point. So it was an objective as well until now. It's not insane to interpret it that way, because she believes in him and he learned not to disappoint. But it's okay if he fails this time because he knows that's not really what Akane needs or wants, she knows and accepts him as he is, entirely.

Now he even has a reason not to be selfish, unlike his father. If you stretch it, you can assume that Ranma breaking the curse has never been something that he wanted for himself, it was yet again all about what his parents wanted for him. What always shocked me when I started the show years ago was how docile he was in the first episode. Meeting Akane, he learnt to express himself more and was finally allowed to want and need things for himself. He didn't need to live in survival mode anymore, not just because he had a roof and free food but because people around him are not threatening him on a daily basis. Until then, he never had to make real decisions for himself. Akane gave him a safe space to be who he was and think outside of his parents' unrealistic expectations.

Also, that's just an idea but: Ranma seems to believe in breaking the curse to make Akane happy. I wonder if that's also a way to erase the primordial fight: he lied to her and pretended to be a girl on day 1. Before this event, Akane was very welcoming and nice to him. Probably the first person to act that way towards him in years, mind you. Perhaps it would be a way to make things right.

Martial arts are Ranma's life, but the training trips with Genma were more about survival. In a way, he doesn't start living until he finds a home with the Tendos, but even more, Akane is home. When he's at death's door, Akane is the one who brings him back. She is his will to live.

#meta #ranma ½ #saotome ranma #tendo akane #ranaka #ranma 1/2

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ashisill · 2 days ago

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Colorado woman

Warnings: (Abusive past relationship, past relationship trauma, illusions to sexual trauma,language, slight ptsd, drinking, smoking, and I believe thats all. If I missed any feel free to let me know)

Summary: Josh had given up on looking for a partner. After the last woman he swore he’d never love again. After two years of being alone his brothers started to believe him. They decided to take matters into their own hands. Lucky for them his dream woman awaits in Colorado … you.

: This is the longest fic I’ve ever written, so please give me a little bit to fix any mistakes!

“Let’s go out Josh. We can go to that bar Sam loves, and find you a partner. Or at least someone to fill that void”

“How many times have I told you? I don’t want a relationship. The last thing I want is to find someone drunk at a bar. Gross”

“Jeez Joshua look at you. You’ve lived at my house for two weeks now. Admit it your starting to get lonely and you don’t like it”

He laughed out loud “I’m not lonely I just don’t want to be stuck at my house all the time. Is that so bad?

“You have been sleeping in my spare room for two weeks. That’s a lot different than wanting to get out of the house for a while”

“I mean I’ll leave if your kicking me out” He laughed it off.

“That not what I’m saying Josh. Tell me what’s your type?”

“Don’t have one. I’m not like you Jake. I like to do my own thing. I wouldn’t be happy tied down to anyone”

“I’ve been doing my own thing for eight years, and my relationship is thriving”

“Well congratulations. That’s you not me. I promise you the last thing I want is a relationship”

“Then make it a fling, but for gods sake put yourself out there”

“You know I don’t see how this is any of your business or concern”

“I want you to be happy Josh, and I know that you’re not. You can brush me off like you always do, but you are lonely and it scares you. You know I don’t care if you stay with me, but you shouldn’t have to. You’re like damn near depressed all the time and that worries me Josh”

“Do you what scares me more? Getting into a relationship and everything being the same as the last one. I’d rather be lonely than risk having to feel like that again”

“Now was it that hard to open up to me? You’re not even looking. I’m not saying you have to jump into anything, but when’s the last time you’ve tried?”

“I have tried they just never work out”

“Josh you haven’t tried since … her”

“And so fucking what? You know what Jake but out. You’re not helping. All you’ve done is bitch at me” Jake just stared at him “what?”

“Josh” he placed a hand on his shoulder “All I’m trying to say is don’t give up looking. Don’t shut everyone out because you’re afraid. I want to see the light come back to your eyes. Because right now Josh I’ve never seen you so dull. Keep an open mind that’s all”

He sighed rubbing the back of his neck “Okay Jake”

“Do you think we should teach them more tricks?” Sam said to his girlfriend Hannah as they watched the dogs play in the yard. They heard the doorbell ring. “I got it last time” Hannah said.

Sam opened the door surprised to see who it was. “Didn’t expect you today what’s up?”

“I need to talk to you about Josh”

He took Jake to the backyard where they were sitting. “What’s up? Is he okay?”

“Sam he’s been staying at my house for two weeks. Not that I mind him there what so ever, but I worry for him. He needs someone new in his life. Hell at this point he needs a friend at least”

He looked at his girlfriend puzzled, and she spoke “he stayed at our place a few weeks ago. Sometimes he comes over for dinner as well”

“He’s scared because of that bitch. I hate her for everything she’s done to him”

“I mean I’m sure he is scared after all that. She practically abused him id probably give up for a while too”

“But it’s Josh the most loving person we know. He’s wasting all of his potential he needs someone. He’s not happy I’ve never seen his eyes so sad”

“You really wanna risk it again? We don’t know everything he went through in the first place. I think we just need to let him figure this out”

“It’s been almost two years Sam. He won’t do it himself”

“He’ll be fine we shouldn’t push him. If he gets hurt again it’s all our fault. I don’t want that guilt on my chest”

“I’m with Jake on this one. The last time Josh was over we smoked together. He got very upset, and was kinda spilled a lot to me. I promised him I wouldn’t tell, but Jake’s right I think he needs helps”

“That’s what I came here for thank you. Do we know of anyone?”

Sam sighed “There’s that one girl that we met at that festival”

“You want him with a junkie?”

“She wasn’t a junkie!”

“Sam honey you’re oblivious. I know someone that might be perfect. Only thing is she lives in Colorado”

“Josh always says he wants to live in the mountains. What’s she like?”

“Well she’s currently kinda in the same situation as him. Rough love life scared to move on. He would fall in love instantly. She’s beautiful”

“Personality?” Jake asked “she better be an angel”

“Just picture Josh, but as a female. I’d say she’s a more little outgoing than him. She reminds me of him a lot, but they are very different in their own ways”

“Good start” Jake said nodding his head.

“She very soft spoken. Overall she’s just a very kind hearted person. She’s the only person I know that would never hurt him”

“You’re positive she’s single?” Sam asked

“Yes she always says she talks to her dogs more than people. She lives alone, but says she hates being alone. She loves company because she doesn’t get it much living out in the mountains. I just know she would love Josh. They fit each other”

“Well you know it’s convenient that we’re off tour. How the hell are we getting Josh to Colorado?”

“I can talk to her. She would adore everyone coming out there. Let me see when she’s free” she stepped inside to make a phone call.

“Josh has always handled himself, but I’m watching him fall apart. He doesn’t act like himself anymore. He’s not content. When he’s home he’s pacing around the house. Or he’ll leave and distract himself for hours” Jake told his brother.

“I guess I didn’t realize how bad it’s gotten. He puts on a show for everyone. I suppose I wasn’t able to see through it like you did”

“The last thing I want is for him to get hurt again. He just needs his confidence back”

Hannah returned with a smile “everyone free next week?”

“Colorado?” Josh questioned picking at his fingers “why out of the blue?”

“My friend invited us to come stay with her for a week” Hannah said convincingly.

“Who’s your friend?” Josh asked perking up an eyebrow.

“Well her name is y/n, and I haven’t seen her in a while. She invited me and Sam, but we thought you guys might want to come”

“I don’t suppose I have anything better to do. Next week you said?”

Hannah got excited when he agreed. “Yes next week, and we will leave early that morning. This is gonna be so much fun!”

The air was cool, the green of the leaves was almost gone, and they were minutes away from arrival. A cozy little cabin in the middle of nowhere. Just you, and your dogs. You’ve spent the past week cleaning, stocking up on food, and preparing your house for guests. It’s not often you get them. Living so far away from everything your use to being alone. You would be lying if you said you weren’t beyond excited. You heard serval cars disrupt the once peaceful gravel road. Your dog’s ears perked up as you all headed towards the door. You hoped they wouldn’t be afraid of the large dogs that causally lounge around your home. You took a breath and opened the door.

“Why am I nervous?” Josh whispered to Jake.

“New place new person. Hannah said she’s a lot like you so maybe you’ll get along well”

“This isn’t a set up is it?”

He laughed “You think I would take you all the way to Colorado to set you up?”

“Yes … yes I do”

He sighed “well I didn’t. It’s just a trip Hannah invited us on. I know as much as you do. Just relax it will be fun”

He squinted his eyes at him “whatever you say”

You stood on the porch watching as they all unloaded from the cars.

“Y/n!” Hannah ran up hugging you.

“I missed you so much. I’m so happy you’re here!”

“This is Sam my boyfriend”

“I know you” you giggled “heard lots”

“Good things I hope. This is my bestie Danny”

“Hi Danny. Your hair so curly I’m jealous”

“Thank you” he laughed.

“This is Jake and his girlfriend” They waved at you, and you smiled back.

“And this is Josh”

“Oh” you paused “hello I’m y/n”

“Nice to meet you” he said quietly.

Maybe you were crazy, but you felt a connection. You known him for five seconds but you feel drawn to him. His fluffy hair that his fingers nervously ran through. His sense of style was definitely your taste. He was more soft spoken than the rest. You liked that a lot. He just had this air about him that made you want to know him.

You invited everyone inside, and you realized it was already late in the afternoon. You showed them around your place before the sun started to set. Everyone started to settle in and feel more at home.

“Very lovely place you got” Jake said admiring the cozy atmosphere.

“Thank you it’s Jake right?” You asked.

“Correct” he gave you a wink.

“I don’t wanna be that person, but where are we sleeping?” Sam asked.

“Sam don’t be rude” Josh corrected.

“No worries. So I only have one guest bedroom so the couples will have to fight over that” you laughed. “There’s an air mattress, and a couch”

“We call the bedroom” Jake shouted smiling at his girlfriend.

“Oh fuck you” Sam rolled his eyes.

“I mean he did say it first” Danny laughed.

“I promise the air mattress won’t deflate on you in the middle of the night. It was quite the investment”

“Then we call the air mattress” Sam said.

“I never mind sleeping on a couch. I’m used to it” Danny laughed.

Josh becoming worried “I guess I’ll be sleeping on the couch too?”

“No you’re sleeping on the floor Joshua” Danny said shaking his head. “No way in hell am I sleeping on a couch with you”

“Thank god I don’t have to share a bed with him” Jake said. “Tired of waking up with bruises”

“Rough sleeper?” You asked

They all laugh “absolutely. I used to be forced to share a bed with him when we were little I never got any sleep. He tossed and turned all night, and he kicks you … hard. Cons of being a twin”

“I’ve been slapped a few times” Sam said.

“I’m sorry did you say twins?”

“Yeah can you tell?” He joked.

“You know I can definitely see it”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor” Josh sighed

“Poor Josh” you said.

“Poor josh? What about the victims” Jake said making the room laugh.

“Well we can figure it out later. I’m not letting you sleep on the floor that’s for sure” you say to him. “Here’s the remote. Turn on whatever you’d like. Also there’s beer and stuff in the fridge” you said going into the kitchen to start on dinner.

Danny got up grabbing enough for everyone. You could definitely tell who the siblings were. As Jake and Sam bickered over the remote. Danny tried to intervene between the two. Which ended with a pissed off sam, and a cocky smirk from Jake.

Josh rolled his eyes, and walked into the kitchen. “Need some help?”

“Oh you don’t have to do all that”

“I don’t mind really” his eyes shifted to the potato’s lying in the countertop. “I could peel those if you needed”

“That would be lovely thank you”

It started out in comfortable silence. Only speaking to confirm he’s doing right. As he watched the sun set from the window his mind began to wonder.

“So” he cleared his throat. “how long have you lived in Colorado?”

“Well I visited when I was 15 fell in love, and I moved when I was 19. Been here ever since, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. You’re from Nashville?”

“Not by choice” he laughed “originally I’m from Michigan, but with the band and all. We had to move closer to the studio and stuff”

“How’s that all going?”

“The band? It’s been a lot to be honest. Rewarding, but exhausting. I’m just glad we’re on a break from tour”

“I don’t know how you do it every night. I can barely work without getting drained”

“You figure it out eventually I suppose. Knife?”

“Top drawer. What’s it’s like traveling the world, and playing to people every night”

“It never gets boring I’ll say that. When you’re up there looking out into the crowd. They love you with all their heart. It’s like they understand you in a sense. You can really feel the love up on that stage. It makes up for the exhaustion I suppose”

“That sounds beautiful. Maybe I’ll get to come to a show one day”

“So what made you invite everyone out here? Gotta be an adjustment from peace and quiet all the time”

“Oh it wasn’t my idea. I’m glad everyone came out though it’s nice to have a change”

“Oh? I was told something different wonder why” he thought it over in his head

“Well now I’m curious what you were told”

“The story was that you invited Hannah, and she invited us”

“She called me” you laughed hard. “That’s a silly thing to lie about”

He knew. He knew exactly why they lied. He knew Jake lied to his face in the car. Now that he’s met you he knows exactly why they’ve brought him here. You. Now he would be lying if his said his heart wasn’t skipping beats right now. Only now that he’s figured it out his nerves are shot.

“Good thing this cooks pretty slow so we can go relax for a while”

He followed you to the couch and hesitantly sat down beside you. His eyes shifted from the movie to picking at his finger, and back to the movie. He had scabs around his fingers from it. You could tell he was on edge a little bit. Something changed since your talk in the kitchen but you didn’t know what. He seemed nervous around you now. Although you couldn’t understand why you knew what might help. “Do you smoke?”

He nodded his head with a smile “me and Josh are gonna smoke if anyone wants to join”

You walked outside and a few of them followed. Passing it in a circle and making small talk. Josh took a drag off the joint and closed his eyes. Blowing it out and nodding his head. “Damn that’s good shit”

“Told you so” you laughed as he handed it to you.

“It’s so pretty out here. Wish I lived in the mountain” Danny said admiring the view.

“I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else” you said. “Shit I left my drink inside be right back”

“Jacob Tomas Kiszka” Josh said stern. “You brought me here to hook me up?”

“I already told you I wouldn’t-”

“I made the mistake of asking her. She said this wasn’t her idea to invite us out. Instead she got a phone call from Hannah”

“Josh listen” he said before Hannah cut him off.

“We were worried about you Josh. She’s in the same situation you are. Give her a chance”

“How did you know? How did you know we would click? Because I’ve never- I’ve never done that with anyone”

“I just knew”

They were quick to end the conversation when you walked back outside. You all stayed outside for a while passing the joint around. They gave you the last hit, and you threw the roach out into the yard. After everyone was done eating dinner the night started to get fun. Everyone had a good buzz going, and the house was lively. Josh started to come out of his shell, talking louder, and with more excitement. “My god you guys are funny” you went into the kitchen to make another drink. Josh followed you also needing a refill.

“Doing alright?” He asked you.

“Haven’t been this messed up in a while” you laughed.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m almost to your level” he smiled. “I never told you but-”

“Y/n holy shit! You got more weed? I feel fucking great” drunk Sam comes shouting in the kitchen

You laughed “go into my room and there’s like 4 laying on the tv stand” you paused waiting for Sam to leave. “Never told me what?”

“Oh never mind” he waved a hand in the air.

“But-”

“Y/n” Sam came back in tugging at your shirt. “Come smoke with us”

“Fine. Josh you coming?”

“I think I’ll set this one out” he smiled at you.

“Josh is sweet” you said sitting outside with Sam and Hannah.

“Oh he’s a sweetheart” she said.

“I can tell” you put the joint between your lips and lit the tip.

“Single” Sam said and Hannah gently smacked him. “What? It’s true”

“Oh”

“He’s been through a lot relationship wise, but so have you” Hannah said.

“Don’t let him fool you he’s not always that quiet”

“Well neither am I” you laughed “he seems nervous”

“I suppose he is” Sam said taking a hit “he has been just kinda down recently. Plus his ex kinda took his self confidence from him”

“I guess he just gets lonely a lot, and it’s catching up to him” Hannah said.

“I know how that feels” you said pointing to the mountains “it’s just me and my dogs out here”

“It’s got its perks I would assume” Hannah said.

“Oh yeah definitely” you stared for a moment “he’s cute”

“Think so?” Hannah asked excitedly.

“He has kind eyes. I like his hair it’s fluffy. He just seems so nice”

“All I’m gonna say is he’s interested”

Josh sat on the couch with his brother. “Has she said anything to you? About like me or anything?”

Jake laughed “no but I can tell she’s taking a liking to you”

“Oh definitely” Danny chimed in “how do you feel about her?”

“I dunno she just kinda has this glow around her, and I wanna be part of the light”

They looked at each other and started laughing “oh he’s in love Danny”

“She seems perfect for you. Gonna thank me or what?” Jake teased taking a sip from his drink.

“Yeah yeah whatever”

“So what move are you going to make? Let’s get this started right?” Danny asked.

“Yeah you’re funny. I’m done making the moves. If it’s meant to be then it will be”

They both rolled their eyes “well shit”

“Hi” you said slamming open the door. It was obvious by your state that you were pretty messed up. “Joshua. Can I call you Joshua?”

“If you’d like” he turned to look at you. You plopped down beside him on the couch.

“Joshua!” You shouted “I have an idea”

He jumped when you yelled his name. Laughing about how you startled him. “What’s your idea?”

You shuffle through your phone looking for a song. When you found the perfect one you jumped to your feet. “Wanna dance with me?”

He smiled, and he cheeks blushed pink. “I would love to dance with you.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, and his hands held your waist. “oh shit. I’m so sorry I stepped in your toes”

He smiled down at you “don’t worry about it darling”

“Darling? I like that” you laid your head on his chest. He danced you around your living room. By the time it was over almost everyone had joined. It was magical to see your house so lively and full of love.

“You made me dizzy” you giggled and sat down on the couch. Your head laid on his shoulder and you begun to get sleepy. Danny went into action being the dad of the group. Helping Jake as he stumbled into the guest room. He helped Sam blow up the air mattress, and grabbed blankets for everyone. He filled up a glass of water and sat it on Jake’s bedside table. Making sure everyone had a least a little water to drink before bedtime.

“What we gonna do about you?” You turned to Josh. “Want to sleep with me?”

“Good luck sleeping” Danny joked.

“Oh he won’t bother me I’m a deep sleeper. Nothing wakes me up”

“They’re not wrong. I don’t wanna hurt you in your own bed”

“Joshua shut up” Sam whispered.

You laughed at his attempt to help his brother “come on Josh”

“Are you sure I mean I-”

“Josh shut up” Sam and Danny said in unison.

You reached out your hand, and he grabbed it. He headed into the room “you’re room is cute”

“Thank you most the decor is diy or thrifted”

“They look amazing. Did you make this?”

He took interest in the large painting on the wall. You nodded “yes I love to paint”

“That’s so impressive. I love art myself, but I could never make anything like this”. He gently ran his fingers on the edge of the painting.

Your cheeks now bright red, and a soft smile on your lips “thank you Josh. I’m sure you could do better”

“Definitely not. I’m not really a painter. I design my own stage clothes. I sketch what I want it to look like, and then somebody makes it. I like it because it’s always exactly how I want it to be. I take inspiration from all kinds of stuff, and make it into one thing. It’s more than just an outfit really. It’s almost like another person when I put them on”

“Like each outfit is its own art piece? It’s like painting. When you’re in a good mood your art is going to distribute something completely different than if you were gloomy. The paintings are entirely different it’s almost as if different people painted them.”

“That’s exactly it! You understand” he smiles.

“Artists to artists of course I understand”

You let him look around a bit longer before excusing yourself to go change. When you came back he was still looking at the painting. He had pajama pants on with a white sleeved shirt. You tripped over your feet walking into the room. Stumbling around, and your vision was getting blurry. “Stumbling around a little. You okay?”

“Hmm” you reached for his shoulder to stabilize yourself. Without much thought he picked you up. Tucking you into the bed, and lying down beside you.

“If I hurt you or keep you up please wake me up. I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I just-”

“Shh you’re not gonna bother me. Stop stressing about it. I can tell this is something people might have made you feel bad about”

“Yeah well try hurting the people you love and have no control over it”

A lazy finger pressed against his lip “shh don’t worry about it. Joshua”

You both laid there in silence trying to drift away. The silence was deadly, and you tossed and turned. Unable to fall asleep, and your mind raced about the man next to you. In a whisper you spoke “Josh”

Sleepy he replied “yes?”

“Can you hold me?”

“I would love nothing more”

When the sun started to rise you two were the last ones awake. Jake crept open the door worried you might have ended up on the floor. Instead he found you tangled up together. The sheets hanging off the bed, and he was holding you protectively.

“Sam come here … look” Jake said pointing at the two of you.

He poked his head through the door “awe they look so cozy”

“I wonder how long they’ve been like that”

“All he needed was a cuddle buddy I guess” Sam said.

You started to stir as the sun shined through the curtains. “Shit” they giggled and shut the door.

Josh’s eyes peeked opened to you lying across him. He closed his eyes for a moment taking it in. You were you wrapped around him tightly. One leg hiked across his waist, and the other twisted in his leg. Your arm laid across his chest, and so was your head. He was loving every minute of you. Wishing this moment would never end. However, you started to wake up. His grip was strong hopeful you wouldn’t move. You looked up at him and smiled. “Good morning”

“Good morning. Sleep okay?” He asked.

“I slept amazing. You?”

“Best sleep I’ve got in a while”

“Your so warm that’s probably why I slept so good. It’s usually freezing in here. I wasn’t all over you too much right?”

“Not too much at all. Been a while since well you know”

“Feels nice to be held. What happened to the sheets?”

“Not sure about that one”

His eyes were glowing, and his face had a smile you haven’t seen before. Dosing off a little bit with the warmth of his body. You’ve never felt so comfortable in your life. The sheets felt like honey on your skin. You wondered if you found heaven, or at least peace. You two laid tangled up together for at least an hour. Realizing the time you sighed, and climbed out of your side of heaven. The two of you stumbled into the living room. “Well good morning love bugs” Sam teased which resulted in another playful smack from his girl. “Leave them alone” she whispered.

“Checked for bruises?” Danny said.

“I don’t think he moved one bit. Except the kick the sheets off. Or maybe that was me” you shrugged your shoulders.

“Maybe all he needed was someone to hold” Jake said.

His face turned bright red and his eyes got big “oh my god shut up. How did you know that?”

“I have my ways”

“Creep” Josh rolled his eyes.

You giggled at him, and walked into the kitchen. You opened the container of coffee grounds and put it into the maker. Making a pot then going to your bedroom to get dressed. Jake and Josh were talking in the kitchen as they drank their coffee.

“So” he paused taking a sip “seems to be going well”

“Last night was the first night I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night”

“Is that why you’ve been up doing fuck knows what?”

“Yeah I’d wake up at like three in the morning and I could never go back to sleep. So I’d get up and start doing stuff”

“You’ve scared the shit out of me when I walk downstairs to get water, and you’re standing in the kitchen. You really gotta go back home bud”

“I know I know. Hey maybe I won’t have too” he joked.

“Gonna become a mountain man?”

Josh talks with his hands that’s very obvious. What he doesn’t do is pay attention to where his hands fly around. The conversation has peeked his interest, and when his hands flare out he hits the open container. Coffee grounds go everywhere. Josh’s face turns white, and he starts to panic.

“Oh fuck” he repeated over and over. “Here we go. It was going so good, and I’ve fucked it all up”

“Josh it’s just coffee grounds I’m sure she’ll understand it was an accident”

“You don’t understand Jake. Do you not fucking remember?”

“I remember, but she nothing like her. She won’t get mad I’m sure of it”

“I’ve ruined everything. Why am I like this Jake?”

“You haven’t done anything wrong. Josh you’ve been the best I’ve seen you in so long. Let’s not lose progress over coffee grounds …. Josh”

Still he panicked, hyperventilating, going into his head and -

“Josh how fucking stupid are you?”

“I’m sorry it was an accident I’ll pick it up”

“I just fucking poured that drink. You are fucking useless”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’ll clean it up”

“Why am I even with you? Your so damn pathetic”

“It was just an accident”

“Shut the hell up and pick it up. I don’t need to hear your whining”

“I’m trying but your yelling at me”

“Are you gonna fucking cry about it? Go ahead cry see if I give a shit Josh”

“Josh!”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear me? She’s gonna get the broom for us”

“You told her? Why would you do that? We could of figured it out”

“Josh breathe. Take a damn breath. I’m gonna say it again she’s isn’t like her”

“Oh no what happened?” you said walking into the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry it was an accident I’ll clean it up”

“Oh no worries. Shit happens” you waved a hand in the air.

“I’m so sorry I-” his fingers ran through his hair. Processing your response he looked at you confused “Wait what did you say?” he said softly.

“I said shit happens. I’d be a fool to get mad over something so small. Go sit down I’ve got it”

He looked at his brother confused. “You’re not mad? Why aren’t you mad? I spilled this everywhere”

“Don’t beat yourself up. I’m clumsy as hell. Always spilling stuff. Go sit down” you handed him his coffee cup “here. Go take a breath”

Josh exited the room, and you turned to Jake for some answers. “Jake” you whispered.

“What’s up?” He grabbed the broom as you held the dust pan.

“Is he okay? Why did he get so upset?”

He swept the grounds into the dust pan. His face shifted to an almost confused look. Then you thought maybe it was an angry one. But his eyes looked hurt, and watched him quietly.

He sighed “his ex is a horrible person. She treated him like shit, and made him feel bad when he made a mistake. I don’t know everything, but I know she did get physical sometimes”

“That’s horrible he doesn’t deserve that”

“No he doesn’t. There was a trip we were on and he spilled her drink on accident. She cussed him out, and called him all these names. He was cleaning it up and she kicked him with her boot. I got a little rough shoving her away from him, but it should have never happened. He stayed and I don’t know why. I think he was afraid to leave her. It was like an intervention I swear. We all sat with him and told him he deserved better, and we helped him break it off”

“But he’s so sweet how could anyone treat him that way? I want to fix this”

He sighed again, and you could tell something was weighing on him “can I tell you the truth?”

You nodded, and he spoke “your the reason we’re here. We thought maybe you two would hit it off. We were worried for him … very worried. Josh has always been the most outgoing person, and it hurt watching him fade. Hannah said that you were single, and it was just a hunch. We just wanted to help him. I’m sorry I don’t want to pressure you”

“So that’s why everyone lied to him” now it made sense. “I don’t click with people. There’s never been a person I felt instantly connected too. Except yesterday when I laid eyes on Josh. It’s been a day, but I’m glad you brought him here. We’re both wounded, and because of that I think we can heal each other. Thank you Jake”

You decided to put there plan in motion. You got up to find Josh “Hey follow me”

You went out the gate and started walking down a rocky path. He didn’t ask where you were taking him nor did he care. He watched as the dogs switched between walking beside you to scanning the area ahead. You never minded the dogs running off when on your walks. You got closer to the mountains and Josh’s eyes began to glow. You hiked down to the river. A deep spot that nearly looked like a pond. The mountain ran above it making the spot secluded. “Look at this place. It’s breathtaking”

“It never fails to impress me. The waters cold I don’t usually get to swim. I just come here to relax”

He reached his hands in the water “I mean it’s not that cold”

“Wanna get in then tough guy?”

He reached to remove his shirt “wait!”. You took off running and he ran after you.

You made it to the top of the smallest cliff. “Your kidding me right?”

“What? Are you scared?” You teased him.

“Maybe a little. Sure it’s deep enough?”

Rolling your eyes at him you asked “do you trust me?”

“I do”

You took your shirt off revealing a lacy white bra, and panties to match. He looked away quickly, but his face already turned red. “It’s okay” you giggled

“Sorry” he said with his eyes glued to the ground.

“Don’t be. Human nature ya know. You’re turn”

He removed his shirt, and stripped down to his boxers. You placed your hands on his shoulders grabbing his attention “Listen whatever we went through let’s try to move past it. I’ve been scared too Josh. For two years I was afraid of any interaction with a man. I could barely go places by myself”

“What happened? Only if your comfortable to answer”

“Started at a party my drink got spiked. I don’t remember anything or if anything happened to me. I thought it was because he like me so I started dating him. He would hurt me often. I thought it was normal, and I convinced myself he loved me. The cycle continued until my friends got me help. It was relationship after relationship, and it was all the same. That’s what I thought I deserved I suppose. I’m still in therapy and I continue to get better every day”

“I guess it was my first serious relationship. Or so I thought, but I meant nothing to her. I never dated much in high school. All she did was yell at me. I couldn’t spend enough on her. It was never enough. She would hit me and it’s not that it hurt that bad. It hurt more knowing she wanted to harm me. I loved her, and she wanted nothing more than to hurt me. My brothers got me away from her thank goodness. I’m also in therapy I never thought it would help, but it has. And I know I’m so awkward, but it’s almost as if I don’t know how to act. No one’s ever been as gentle with me as you are”

“We will heal together. This jump is us letting go”

You reach out your hand, and counted down. With no hesitation he jumped with you. Falling farther than he thought, and his body rushed with adrenaline. You both hit the cold water, and gasp coming back up. He slicked his hair back, and tried to catch his breath. “I take it back this water is freezing”

“That was so fun Josh” you shouted holding his shoulders. “Oh my god I feel so alive. Do you feel it Josh?”

He nodded his head and wrapped his arms around your waist. You threw your arms on his neck. “Yeah I feel it”

You held on to him tight, feeling his heart beat against yours. You stayed in the water far too long in this cool weather. You just couldn’t make yourself let go. You put your forehead against his. “Can I kiss you?”

He smiled softly “I would love that”

You leaned in placing your lips to his. Your body felt warm for a minute. Like a shock of electricity ran through your veins. Your lips moved against him. You let the last kiss drag out before you pulled back “I cant feel my toes”

“I can’t feel a lot of things” he said, and you busted out laughing. You hiked back up to the top to grab your clothes and headed towards the house. You were shivering and your teeth were chattering. When you arrived back at the house you couldn’t feel a thing. Everyone was sitting outside, and their neck snapped around to look at you two.

“What the hell happened to you guys?” Jake asked

“Oh you know we just jumped off a cliff. No biggie” Josh teased.

“We left you two alone for an hour and you jump off a cliff” he laughed.

“I’m gonna go change, and start the fire” you kissed his cheek.

Causing everyone’s jaws to drop. “Did she just-?”

Everyone gasped excitedly, and Josh just seemed to glow. He nodded his head proudly, and started to tell the story. His hands were flying everywhere as he spoke in detail.

“Hot chocolates on the stove, and the fire has been started”

“Actually that sounds quite nice” Jake said.

As the temperature dropped everyone piled in the house. Laying around the living room with hot chocolate in hand. A cozy movie playing, and the lights turned down.

You turned off the stove, and stepped into the living room. Looking around the room seeing everyone so content. You just smiled wishing it could be like this forever. He noticed your giddy smile “Come here love”

You cuddled up beside him, and he threw the blanket over you two. The house was warm, and everyone was completely relaxed. You felt as if you were melting into Josh. You thought this might be the most comfortable you’ve ever been. Your eyes started to get heavy, and before you knew it sleep had taken over.

You feared for the end of this week. Knowing it was coming soon. He would leave and go back to his busy life. You would be here like you always are. For now his fingers ran through your hair, and his lips kissed your forehead. He couldn’t quit place the feeling he was feeling, but he knew one thing.

He was home.

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