#//Back on topic; she has used the Delusion a couple times since

[oceanxveiined]

Dani has a Mallen streak in her hair, and the reason for that had been usage of a Pyro Delusion acquired during the time she abandoned the Fatui. She had taken it and the uniform off a slaughtered Pyro agent and used it to sneak/fight her way to freedom, promptly passing out once the adrenaline wore off.

She planned to dispose of it immediately afterwards, having become wary of it after noticing the greying, but ultimately chose to keep it in reasoning that it could come in handy. Even if she is still sort of afraid of it.

[trippinsorrows]

with me + part eighteen

authors notes: two updates back to back! i felt a lil bad for leaving ya'll on a cliffhanger of sorts. granted, this one kinda does too but....not in a bad way. more of a plot twist, than anything.

status: in progress // masterlist

warnings: angst, fluff, language, suggestive themes

song inspo: with me by destiny’s child

faceclaims

words: 7k

taglist: @pixiedust4000 @yolobloggers @msbigredmachine @southerngirl41 @wanderingreigns @romanreignsbae

24 hours.

It’s been 24 hours of absolute chaos and madness.

24 hours of a rush of conflicting and yet corresponding emotions. Anger. Confusion. Sadness.

In the past 24hrs, your love and basically life story have gone from being known to a select few to now being trending topics on every social media platform. Your Instagram, which was already private, had literally hundreds of follow requests the last time you checked it. There are emails in your inbox from several news platforms requesting interviews and offering exclusives. 

Hell, a couple of people even reached out to you on your LinkedIn.

It’s all so extremely overwhelming and chaotic, so much so that you had to force Alexis to leave and find some way to calm herself down. Her furious energy, while valid as hell, wasn’t helping. And it's not that you don't get it.

You do. God, you do.

You’d like nothing more than to take a steel chair to Mariah’s head, for you and Alexis to do a beatdown part two since the first one seemingly didn’t send a strong enough message.

But, you can’t. And she can’t either.

The whole world now has eyes on you, now is waiting to see what else comes out of this story that isn’t a story for you.

It’s your fucking life.

“We’re definitely looking into our options here, and there are some routes we can take, but without anything from her specifically saying she was going to do anything—”

“Wait.” It’s the first thing you’ve said in this emergency meeting with Joe and his legal team, a couple of intrigued eyes falling on you. “That’s—that’s not exactly true.”

Joe, as you expected, is the first to speak. “What are you talking about?”

This….this is the last conversation you expected to be having right now. The last thing you thought you’d be doing right now. You should be continuing to prepare for the move, decorating the house, planning how you’re going to tell Joe about your pregnancy.

Instead, you’re sitting in your new kitchen surrounded by lawyers, men in suits, and the man you love who you now have to admit to lying over something, at the time, you thought was nothing.

But that nothing has turned into a nightmare that has not only your personal life being used as media fodder but pictures of your sweet, beautiful, four-year-old daughter circulating the internet, just waiting to fall into the hands of the depraved.

That…..that’s what kills you the most.

It’s not even the “tell all” interview you only managed to watch for 10 minutes before having to turn it off. Even staring at her caked face, most likely to hide the lingering bruises from Alexis beating, makes you mad. Almost as mad at the absolute way she’s taken your and Joe’s story and dramatized it to the point of delusions.

Saying you plotted on Joe from the beginning. That you intentionally got pregnant by him. That you were sleeping with multiple men, meaning there’s a chance he could not be the father. That Joe’s ex-wife called and cussed you out, threatening to beat your ass. That you make Joe give you an allowance.

Just lies. Pure, unadulterated lies that make you sick to your stomach.

This whole thing feels like a never ending cycle of nightmares.

“Y/N?” One of the suits saying your name brings you back to this space, this place of here and now where another lie, one of your own making, is about to be revealed.

Licking your lips, you try to explain it as best you can, though there is no good way to come out and admit you weren’t honest with him. “She—she’d been sending me messages.”

“Messages?” Joe’s interruption is fair and expected, but one of his lawyers jumps in before he can continue. 

“Do you still have them?”

Nodding, you pull out your phone, opening Mariah’s thread. You’d blocked and deleted her contact from your phone so it’s just her number as the title for the thread. Reaching the phone to the lawyer, it’s quickly intercepted by Joe.

Just watching his eyes read over the messages, you can almost see his anger growing. He hands the phone over to his lawyer, and you watch as one exchanges the phone with the other.

“This is perfect,” one of the suits shares to the group. “We can definitely slap her with a couple different lawsuits with this evidence. I’m thinking extortion. Most definitely a cease and desist.”

“Defamation too,” someone else chimes. 

Joe isn’t interested in any of that at this moment. He just wants to speak with you alone, that much is painfully obvious. “Can you give us a minute?” He doesn’t wait for a response, just stands up from his seat, motioning for you to follow him.

Nervous about what’s about to ensue, you do so regardless, following him up the stairs and into the first room on the right. 

You start to plead your case as soon as the door is closed. “Joe—”

“You lied to me.”

His tone kills you. You haven’t been on the receiving end of this side of him in months, not since he first found out about Callie. “I—”

“I fucking asked you did she say anything, and you lied to me, Y/N!”

“I didn’t think anything of it, Joe.” You can’t and won’t necessarily defend the lying part, but you will attempt to help him understand your logic that was at play. “Mariah��she’d never done anything remotely close to any of this to make me think she would ever do something like this. I thought—I thought she was just saying shit to get a reaction out of me.”

He stops his pacing, looking at you with a sense of incredulity. “I didn’t ask you what kind of shit she was saying, I asked you if she said anything at all, and you stood there and you lied to me with a straight face!”

“I’m sorry, okay!” There’s a solid attempt to keep your volume down, well aware Callie is only a few rooms down playing, oblivious to all of this chaos unfolding. “But I was in a really bad place during that time, Joe, okay? I—I didn’t care about….lawyers and lawsuits, I just wanted custody of my child back.” Eyes starting to water, you shake your head, asking, “do you have any idea how hard that was for me?”

“Of course, I know, Y/N.” His tone is a little more calm, still angry though. “I was going through the same damn thing.”

“No, you weren’t!” As much as you want to control your emotions in this moment, control your temper, it’s hard when he’s clearly not trying to hear where you were coming from. “You got to see her! You got to speak to her! I didn’t! Mariah didn’t accuse you of awful shit, it was just me!”

“So you don’t think that shit impacted me at all?” His voice still carries anger, but there’s specks of hurt there. You feel bad, you didn’t mean to invalidate him, just wanted to help him see there was a difference. “Seeing you like that? Seeing Callie like that?”

Pressing your hands against your temple, you shut your eyes, explaining, “that’s not what I’m saying, Joe. You’re not listening to me.” 

“You’re right.” His agreement takes you by surprise. You didn’t expect him to be so self-aware. “I’m not listening cuz’ I’m fucking pissed off with you that this all could have been avoided if you had just been honest with me. Our daughter’s photos wouldn’t be all over the fucking internet if you had just told me the truth.”

It’s not hard for you to read between the lines of what he’s saying. But, it is hard for you to stomach what he’s saying. “You blame me for this, don’t you?” And it’s when he looks away, nostrils flared and jaw clenched. “You do….”

“I didn’t for the DCFS situation, because that was absolutely beyond your control. But this…..” He looks up at the ceiling, eyes closed, most likely trying to maintain composure. “I’m gonna go over to Jey and Kaylah’s place for a little bit. I just need to clear my head.”

Your throat constricts. Joe has never been the one to leave in the middle of an argument. He’s that one to always say we’re gonna stay here and figure this out together, so you don’t know what to make of him wanting to leave. 

“Joe, please….” Walking over to him, you place your hands on his chest, forcing him to look at you. “Don’t go, okay? We just—we need to work this out right now.”

“I love you, Y/N. I love you too much to stay here and have this out with you right now, because there’s not many nice things I have to say.” 

There’s a shred of hope that fills you in the way he cups your cheek, staring at you for a minute before he turns to walk out of the door. But the hope is easily dashed at the fact that he still chooses to walk out the door. 

Sniffling, feeling the tears oncoming, you walk out after him only to see he’s already completely descended down the stairs, already out the house most likely. Standing there, you try to keep the tears at bay, try to keep your shit together.

“Mommy….”

“What, Callie!” The second it leaves your voice, the harshness, the volume, the cruelness, you want to melt into the ground. Callie, understandably, looks devastated at you snapping at her. And you feel it too. “Baby, I’m—I’m so sorry—”

She doesn’t give you a chance to grovel because she turns on the heel of her shoes and darts back into her room, slamming the door behind her. 

Your chest tightening, the tears starting to fall. It hits you so hard.

You really fucked up. 

—-------

“You ready to talk yet?”

Joe knew the second he walked into his cousin’s house, grabbed a beer out the fridge and plopped himself on the steps of their back porch that he didn’t come over here to vent. He just needed to get away, to clear and sort through his head so he didn’t end up saying anything worse than what he’s already said to Y/N.

And Kaylah recognized as such. Recognized something must have happened, which is why she allowed him his privacy for the time being.

“Not really,” he answers, finishing off his beer and tossing it to his side.

“Too bad,” Kaylah dismisses. It’s not a major surprise. “Cause I am.” Joe says nothing as she slides down on the step, sitting beside him. When he still says nothing, “what happened, Joe?”

Joe chuckles bitterly. “Check the news. Any of them.”

Kaylah frowns. “You know that’s not what I mean.” She’s very well aware of that part of this shitshow. “What happened with you and Y/N?”

“She lied to me, Kay.” Joe really doesn’t want to talk about this, but he knows he needs to. Knows he eventually has to go back home and face the music. “I had asked her if Mariah had said anything, not even anything bad, just anything in general. She told me no, but that wasn’t the truth, Mariah was sending all kinds of messages alluding to doing something if Y/N didn’t answer her…..now look at what’s happened.” 

Kaylah takes a second to digest what he’s saying. “When did you ask her?”

“When the whole DCFS situation happened. My lawyers were trying to see if we could build some type of case against Mariah.”

Kaylah is smart, always has been, so it’s not difficult for her to put the pieces together. “And you think if she had provided these messages, you could have done something to avoid this latest shitshow?” Joe doesn’t have to answer her question. She already knows his answer. “That’s a big if, Joe, and you know it.”

“Of course, I know it. It’s just…….fuck.” He shuts his eyes, head titled back. “It’s like shit just keeps happening.”

“It’s rough, I can imagine that, but it’s not just rough for you. Y/N is going through the same thing, and instead of sitting here in your misery, blaming her, you two should be handling it together.” Kaylah lifts her finger to silence him when he goes to either agree or protest. “I’m not saying she wasn’t wrong for not telling you the truth, but Joe, we both know that if she had even an inkling that Mariah would do something like this, she would have told you in a heartbeat.” Her voice softens. “She made a mistake.”

“And I know Mariah has put your business out there too now, and I don’t mean to make it seem like this doesn’t impact you as well, but Y/N is the one being dragged to filth on the internet right now. I sincerely hope she hasn’t read some of the stuff being said about her. It’s awful. Mariah lied about so many things and has made Y/N out to be this horrible person when she’s not.”

Joe thinks that’s the part that pisses him off the most, that made him so angry he unintentionally took that anger out on the person being affected the most in this situation. He watched the entire interview Mariah did, heard the way she took parts of the truth and piled a shit ton of lies on top. 

Heard how actually had the fucking audacity to drag Jadah into it, claiming she had texts and recorded phone calls between the two of them talking about how Y/N was a whore and broke up her marriage. All kind of just lies.

And he knows it’s not true, because he knows Jadah. Hell, he spoke to Jadah just this morning. 

It infuriated him even more to read some of the comments, people speaking so cruelly about the woman he loves. Even going as far to drag Callie into the cesspool of bullying. 

A man who doesn’t like not having control, it tears him up to not be able to do anything to dead the shit immediately. 

But…..there are some things he can do, and he can’t do them if he’s sitting here in his feelings.

Joe looks over at Kaylah, gently shoving into her side. “Thank you, Kay.”

“Anytime.” And she means it. Joe is like a brother to her. Always has been. “Now you’ve got twenty minutes to get your sorry ass off my porch and back to your house to take care of business. Cause I know you, Joe. You don’t play about your family. Let that bitch know she’s fucked with the wrong one.”

—-------

“Mama, I really messed up.”

Crying over the phone to your mom at your big age definitely wasn’t in your bingo card for 2024, yet here you are.

Granted, most of what’s happened this year wasn’t in your bingo card anyway, so it lines up.

“Oh, honey. You made a mistake, You’re human. It happens.” Your mom’s voice is soothing on the other side of the phone. “And don’t worry about Joseph. He’s just upset right now. He’ll calm down.”

“He’s right to be upset. I shouldn’t have lied to him.” Sniffling and wiping at your eyes, you bring your legs to your chest. “And look at what my mistake has caused mama. My baby’s face is all over the internet. Personal photos just material for people to make posts and tweets and TikTok’s about.”

It makes you sick to your stomach to think of how low Mariah has gotten in this whole situation. All of those snaps you shared with her of your daughter, precious moments you thought you were sharing with your best friend, she’d sold to whoever would buy them for 15 minutes of fame and a slice of short-lived relevancy.

“None of us knew that girl is as unhinged as she is. You’re not psychic, baby. You had no way of knowing this would happen, and Joseph knows that. He just let his pride get the best of him and took out his frustrations on you, which, make no mistake, is not right. And you definitely need to check him on that.” Your mom briefly switching gears brings a smile and small laugh to your face. “You know I didn’t raise you to take shit from no man, and that includes him.”

“I know….” And you will address it with him, even if deep down something tells you he already feels bad for how he spoke to you, knowing it was wrong. “I just—-I feel like we can’t catch a break. It sometimes makes me wonder if…..if I’m doing the right thing.” The past 24 hours have caused you to experience such a whirlwind of emotions, emotions you’re sure are exacerbated by a pregnancy no one knows about yet. “I would never stop Joe from being in Callie’s life, but if me being with him causes all this mess for him and her then….”

“Don’t do that. Don’t you dare do that.” Your mom’s interjection is fierce and sharp. “That boy loves you. He’d do anything for you and baby girl. Don’t let Mariah trick you into thinking that somehow you being happy with the man you love and father of your child is somehow wrong. Don’t let her win.”

Blowing out a breath, you try to heed to your mom’s guidance. She’s right. You know she’s right. Mariah being psychotic doesn’t change shit about your love for Joe, his love for you, the way he’d do anything for ya’ll and vice versa.

Mariah is just jealous. Dissolving what is otherwise a happy family would bring her nothing but great satisfaction. And over your dead body will you let that bitch get what she wants.

“You’re right.” Shaking your head, you try to counter all of your negative and anxious thoughts with more optimism and logic. “It’s just….it’s hard right now.”

“And it will be for a little while, but that’s when you lean on the people you love, and baby, you got no shortage of that.”

Sniffling, tears drying, you thank her, “thank you, mama.”

“Just let me know if you need me to fly down there.” And you know she will. Know Joe won’t hesitate to pay for a plane ticket for her to come stay with you.

And after you tell him about your pregnancy, you might do just that.

“I will,” you promise, telling her you’ll call or text her later to let her know how everything pans out before ending the call.

Stepping back into the kitchen and sliding the door closed, locking it, the last thing you expect to see is Joe standing in the kitchen.

Gasping, hand over your chest, your shoulders slump as you murmur, “you scared me.”

“I’m sorry.” It’s a layered statement, multiple meanings and several different applications. A knowledge that comes from being with and knowing this man for all these years. 

Walking over to him, you cross your arms over one another. “I shouldn’t have lied to you.”

He shakes his head. “Didn’t give me an excuse to talk to you the way I did or to say the things I did.” And as strange a thought it may be to have in this moment, this is one of the many reasons you love the man before you. Joe is mature and man enough to both admit when he’s fucked up and is always intentional about making it right.

Swallowing, you advise, “this is just a really fucked up situation that neither of us really knows how to process.” Ain’t that the fucking truth. “But, we can handle it…together.”

He gently pulls you into his chest and your eyes shut as he holds you, apologizing into the top of your head.

“I’m sorry too.” you apologize, hand on his chest. “I know that situation was difficult for you too, and I shouldn’t have invalidated your feelings.”

“Neither of us was 100% right.” And he’s correct. He was wrong for lashing out the way he did, and you were wrong for not being honest and invalidating his experience. 

Neither of you could pull the ‘right’ card.

“Agreed.” You murmur, eyes softening as you switch topics a bit. “Callie….I accidentally snapped at her after you left.” The guilt still eats at you for that, for taking out your emotions on your sweet little girl. “I spoke with her and apologized, but….I think she heard us fighting.”

That really kills you. You don’t think it’s entirely unhealthy for kids to hear their parents go at it from time to time, but not at 4. And not for a sensitive child like Callie.

Joe looks equally upset at this, offering, “let me talk to her. If she heard us, she needs to know that me yelling at you wasn’t okay.”

There’s no disagreement nor protest as he heads up the stairs to find Callie.

Joe stands outside Callie’s door with a knock that’s followed by her head snapping up and smile brightening. “Daddy!” She rushes over to him, Joe leaning to pick her up, holding her. “You came back!”

Her words crush him, the idea that she could even think he could ever leave her, leave either of them.

“Of course, baby girl.” Joe moves to the only adult sized chair in her room, holding her on his lap, caressing her cheek. “Callie, I know you heard me and your mom arguing, but I need you to know that I will never leave you or mommy. Daddy was just….very upset, and I took it out on your mom which was wrong.”

In a soft voice, she asks, “did mommy do something bad?”

“No, she just….made a mistake, and that’s okay, because we all make mistakes, but it wasn’t okay for me to yell at her like that.” Joe decides to take this unfortunate occurrence and make it a learning lesson for his daughter. “You never let any lil’ boy yell at you or talk mean to you, you hear me?” Callie nods her head, as he adds. “And if he does, let me know, and I’ll take care of it.”

Callie turns up her nose. “Boys are gross.” She then adds, “cept' you, daddy.”

Joe laughs but quickly agrees. Let her think that as long as she wants. Forever, preferably. He tugs her a bit closer, holding her snug to him. “That’s right. All of em’. Every single one.” 

—-------

Given only a few rooms in the house are fully furnished, the three of you sleep and stay at Joe’s place at night given he doesn’t plan to sell it until you’re all completely moved in. Not feeling like cooking, or rather not feeling like helping Joe cook, you decide on takeout.

Subsequently, ya'll share dinner while watching Finding Nemo 2, the chosen movie of the night by Callie.

There’s extra measures on your end to make sure she’s really forgiven you, needing her to know that you’re truly apologetic, and of course, your inherently kind child shows absolutely no sign that she holds any type of grudge against you.

You couldn’t be any more grateful for her wonderfully big heart.

You handle getting her to bed, seeing that Joe is tired. It’s something you noticed the minute he arrived at the new house from the airport. He looks exhausted. How can he not be? Preparing for WrestleMania, training nonstop, finishing up his documentary, and now this?

A person can only take so much.

You’re actually happy he’ll have a week off post WrestleMania. He needs that. He needs time to just rest.

It doesn’t surprise you that he falls asleep in a matter of minutes, big body laid out over yours as you gently caress his naked back. His heavy shoulders lifting in alignment with his breathing is a soothing source you zone in on while scrolling aimlessly on your phone. Pinterest only. You can’t allow yourself to check out anything else.

That is until you receive a text from Alexis telling you to check Joe’s Instagram. 

For a second, you consider ignoring it, but curiosity gets the best of you.

Logging back into the app, you go straight to his profile, gasping when you see the latest post on the grid. 

It’s a photo of the three of you. One of the ones taken when you’d surprised him at his show back in February. He’s holding Callie who has her arms wrapped around his neck, smiling big at the camera with his other arm hooked around you, your body angled into him, hand on his chest.

It’s one of your favorite photos.

Your eyes drop to his lengthy caption.

@/RomanReigns: I’ve never been one to openly discuss my personal life because, quite frankly, it’s no one’s business. Unfortunately, I’m now forced to do so due to a clearly unwell and pathetic individual who has taken parts of the truth and padded it with lies. My girlfriend and I share one child together. This is my biological child. There’s never been a question of paternity. Her mother never coerced or blackmailed me into shit. Y/N has been villainized as a vindictive gold-digger and liar when that is absolutely bullshit. She is an amazing mother, friend, and partner whom I love fiercely and protectively. The same goes for my daughter. They are my world, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect them. Having our daughter’s photos and personal videos posted all over the internet has been equally heartbreaking as it is infuriating for the both of us. Legal action is currently being pursued for all involved in the doxing and sharing of personal media of my family as well as other atrocities that have taken place behind the scenes you all don’t even know about. All of this is entirely unacceptable and will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law. And to everyone who has so much to say about a situation you know nothing about outside of the lies circulating, remember these are real people with real feelings.

But most importantly, keep my girlfriend and daughter’s name out of your fucking mouths.

~Joe

Tears are starting to burn your eyes as you stare down at the man sleeping on top of you. The man who never ceases to amaze you with how far he’ll go to show you just how much he loves and cares about you.

He didn’t have to do this, didn’t have to go against his preference to keep his personal life off the internet. But, he did. He did it to send a message to everyone.

To send a message to Mariah.

You press a gentle kiss against the top of his head, knowing doing so won’t disturb his sleep.

And though against your better judgment, decide to read a few comments, knowing it’s bound to be a batch of mixed reactions. 

@/User1: Damn, Roman said keep my wife’s name out your fucking mouth! Watch Will Smith join the match at WrestleMania.

@/User2: Used to be a big fan, but I could never support a cheater. Unfollowing.

@/User3: How many of you actually watched the interview with the “friend”? It’s obvious she’s lying about a lot of things she said, because most of it wasn’t adding up.

@/User4: My thing is why did you hide this kid and girlfriend you supposedly “love” so much? Feels like you got exposed and now you’re trying to save face.

@/User5: This is all so messy and shameful. He definitely needs to lose his title at WM. What a joke and embarrassment to the WWE.

@/User6: It’s funny how so many of you are ignoring the fact that he signed this with his real name. “Roman” is a real person clearly going through heavy shit right now. Who cares about a fucking title?

@/User7: How about you learn to “acknowledge” the truth, Mr. “tribal chief”?

@/UceyJucey: Man, this family right here. We go you, Y/N and Big Dog. For life!

@/BigLexPurr: Ya’ll gon see JOE don’t play about HIS!

@/JonathanFatu: FOE 

@/RomanReigns has turned off comments for this post. 

The comments are to be expected, though it warms you to see familiar names coming to your defense, seeing that while there may be a lot of hatred being spewed your way, there’s still an abundance of love and support that encompasses you.

But, it’s when you come across a reference to the Bloodline that an idea hits you, smashes into you so strongly that you have to wake Joe to get the ball rolling.

“Baby.” He’s knocked out, so it takes a couple of shakes and slaps to finally get him to stir. “Joe!”

Finally, he stirs, sighing loudly as he groans, “fine, you getting on top though.”

Rolling your eyes, you shove his shoulder. “Not that. Can I use one of your cars tomorrow morning? And I need you to stay and watch Callie for a bit.”

At this, he opens his eyes, looking you over with confusion. “Where you going?”

“It’s a surprise. Just….trust me, okay?” Leaning to kiss his cheek, you throw out a quick ‘thank you’ and turn back on your side. Only to squeal quietly when his big hands move you onto your back. One look at him, and you know what he wants. “Joe, it’s like 3 o’clock in the morning.”

“Should have thought about that before you woke me up….” His mouth is on your neck, right hand moving under his shirt that hides your nude body, gripping your breast. “Let me just taste you….”

There’s a strong desire and almost responsibility you feel to press your legs together and direct him to go back to sleep, but raging, most likely pregnancy fueled hormones, along with the fact that you want to enjoy this for as long as you can before pregnancy body stops all sexual acts, are just too damn strong.

So you simply chew on your bottom lip, watching his dark silky head disappear under the covers and enjoy the toe curling ride of fantasy that is his skilled tongue on you.

—-------

You’re out of the house by 7am sharp, the sun still making its way to introduce the new day, but that doesn't matter. 

You’re a woman on a mission, a mission that has a ticking deadline. Joe has to fly back out tomorrow, so you can’t waste one precious moment.

Target has almost everything you need, sans a couple of items that you pick up at Walmart. 

And Alexis, who finally calmed down enough after getting drunk as hell and hooking up with some random she met on the boardwalk, agreed to keep Callie for you for a little bit. It’s a double win, because Callie always has a good time with Alexis, and Alexis can’t catch a murder charge if she’s on babysitting duty.

Of course, Joe being Joe, has a million and one questions. Understandably so.

“Can you at least tell me why you had Alexis come get Callie?” And before you can give him the vaguest answer, he adds on, “or what the hell is in those boxes?”

His question comes from behind as you carry said cake boxes up the steps, reaching the top and offering him a teasing glare. “And you always say I suck at surprises.”

“I’m too old for surprises, baby.”

Baby…..

God, you can’t wait to see his reaction.

“Patience, lover. Patience.” You then gesture with your chin to the first door with a sticky note on it. “Open that one.”

Joe looks taken back, reading the post-it. “Option 1? Option 1 for what?”

This man….. “I see where Callie gets her questioning nature from. Boy, just open the damn door.” 

He rolls his eyes, walking in and looking around. “There’s literally nothing in this room.”

“Yet,” you correct, encouraging him. “Just….be mindful of the layout and what it could be.”

“It can’t be anything considering it’s empty as hell.”

“Joe, I swear to—” You close your eyes, taking a deep breath. “Come on. Let’s look at the other ones.”

And you have him do just that, viewing two more rooms that he doesn’t realize you’ve shortlisted as potential nurseries. He makes his smartass comments, of course, but you also know it’s in jest and he really just wants to know what’s going on. 

So, it’s when you finish and bring him back to the kitchen, directing him to sit on the barstool as you lay out the two boxes in front of him. “You gon tell me why you had me look at empty rooms while you carried boxes?”

“Stop being difficult.” Slapping him on the shoulder, your nerves begin to set in as you motion to the counter. “Pick one to open. Only one.”

Joe’s curious gaze is on you, humor dropping a bit as he asks, in all seriousness. “Y/N, what’s going on?”

“Just…..trust me.” It’s a simple but powerful thing to say given the past couple days. You know he does and know he will. “Pick one.”

Waiting for him to carefully pull the tape off to open the box, you time it perfectly so at the same time he’s lifting the lid, you murmur, “I think it’s a boy too…..”

Joe’s gaze snaps to yours at your statement but also refers back to the now open box. “Y/N….what is this?”

Eyes starting to water, you manage to tease him, “don’t tell me the Tribal Chief suddenly doesn’t know how to read.”

There’s a close and careful watch you have on Joe as his eyes go from left to right, clearly reading the words you have beautifully decorated on the inside of the cake box that’s filled with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies dyed blue with food coloring.

The other box is filled with chocolate chip cookies dyed pink.

Same message located on the lid of the box.

BREAKING NEWS: 

New Bloodline Member Coming Soon. Ready to acknowledge daddy in September, 2024.

He does that one, two, three times before slowly looking back up at you, a level of emotion in his gaze and eyes you’re not sure you’ve ever seen. 

His voice is so low, so imbued with vulnerability that you almost have to ask him to repeat himself. “You serious?”

Shaking your head, you reach out, pushing back some of his hair. “I wouldn't lie to you about this, Leati…….” Taking his hand and placing it on your stomach, you layer your own on top of his. “I’m pregnant…..we’re having another baby.” Sniffling, tears finally starting to spill, you add, “and no one knows but you and me. Not my mom. Not Alexis. Not Callie. Just you and me.” Licking your lips, you acknowledge. “I didn’t do it right the first time, but I’m gonna do everything right this time.”

Joe not saying anything initially makes you second guess yourself. Were you wrong to assume that he would be happy? Given everything that’s happened, has it changed his views on things? You thought that he would be thrilled at the idea of expanding your family, but what if you were wrong?

It’s only seconds later though that he shoots up from the chair, wrapping his strong arms around you, holding you maybe tighter than what’s necessary.

All concern is washed away, a happy giggle leaving your mouth as he spins you around. 

Back on the ground, his hands on your face. “I love you.” His thumbs brush over the apples of your cheek. You swear his eyes are glazed over with unshed tears. “I love you with everything in me.”

“I love you too,” you murmur, choked up and moved by his reaction. He's thrilled. “And I know things are a mess right now, but I couldn’t miss this opportunity to tell you while you’re in town.”

Everything is certainly not the way it should be, but for him to be here, to be with you, and for you to not tell him felt so wrong. You didn't want to make him wait any longer than he needed to.

“September…..” You can see he’s doing the math in his head, hand dropping to your stomach. “You’re three months?”

“Just about. End of March will mark officially three months, but I just found out at the OB-GYN appointment I had. I wanted to tell you right away, but I also wanted to do it in person, because you deserve as much.” You find yourself rambling, probably over-explaining, but the last thing you want is for him to think you’ve been keeping this from him. “It’s up to you, but I do think we should tell Callie first.”

You've thought about it, and to some extent, you have some concern about how she’ll respond. She’s been an only child her whole life, obviously. And she already doesn’t like ‘sharing’ Joe with you sometimes, how will she respond to a brother or sister?

Joe must be reading your mind as he kisses your forehead. “We’ll figure it out.” Another realization also crosses his mind as he connects more dots. “The rooms…..you think one of them could be the nursery.”

Playfully rolling your eyes, you tease him. “Well, it took you long enough to put two and two together.” Yelping, you laugh when Joe squeezes your hip and picks you up, bridal style. “Joe!”

“Let’s go look again,” he implores, and you know it’s because he wants to go again because now he knows this will be the room where your baby will stay in, the room where you’ll nurse him or her, where he’ll finally be able to enjoy being a father from conception to birth. 

It makes this moment even better.

But, you need something else.

You call for him to wait, pointing to the box of cookies. “What?” You ask after he moves close enough for you to grab them. Rubbing your belly, you remind him with all the pride in the world, “mama’s eating for two now.”

—-------

The day is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

It’s a day where you can temporarily forget all of the bullshit in your life that doesn’t matter in these moments where it’s just the three of you.

Well, four, technically. 

The day is spent shopping, of all things, Joe refusing to leave without you finally getting a bedroom set. The one, ironically, that Alexis pointed out the other day. It really does look like the both of you.

He also might have made a sly comment regarding making good use of the mirror.....

On top of that, you start to casually peruse nursery furniture, nothing too obvious to where Callie can tell. You and Joe haven’t settled on when or how to tell her, but you’re leaning more toward after WrestleMania. He’ll be off that week, so it gives you both time to tackle any big emotions that might come up.

And Joe….

It deeply endears you to notice the little things. He’s always been touchy feely, but his hand seemed to find a space on or near your stomach all day. Gentle kisses pressed against your temple and more “I love you’s” than usual. You know it’s all because he’s wholly and fully happy. This pregnancy means more to him than you could probably ever comprehend.

And being able to make him so happy when he’s made you happier means everything to you.

Even laying in bed together, enjoying your time with each other before he has to leave early in the morning, his big hand is splayed protectively across your stomach. You appreciate all of these moments, know that the next almost six months of your pregnancy will be filled with them.

Even with some dread at trying to navigate this pregnancy with Joe’s crazy work schedule, you’re more happy than anything. Ecstatic that you get to experience this pregnancy with him this time around.

Together. 

Sleep is finally about to overcome you when your phone dings on your nightstand. Tempted to leave it, it’s hard to do so when it vibrates several different times.

Not knowing if it could be something serious or requiring immediate attention, you reach over, unlocking to see you have five texts from an unknown number.

But, the sender is no longer unknown the moment you open the thread.

Unknown: Hi, Y/N. This is Jadah. 

This…..this has to be a joke, has to be some kind of cruel prank that’s all a part of Mariah’s apparent master plan to ruin your life.

Because there’s no way in hell Joe’s ex-wife is texting you. No way in hell. 

But before you can block the number, chalking it up as a cruel prank, you see she’s sent a screenshot of a conversation between her and Joe. Zooming in, you see it’s from around October with them discussing the details of the divorce.

Holy…..shit.

It is her.

Jadah: Just so you know it’s really me…..

And if you weren’t already about to drop your damn phone onto Joe’s head at the fact that thee fucking Jadah is actually texting you right now, her next set of messages nearly send you into cardiac arrest.

Jadah: Super strange/inconvenient way for me to reach out, but given everything that’s going on, I think it’s time we met and talked face to face.

Jadah: Even more, since this hoe got so much to say about OUR lives, I also think it’s time we take back the narrative and pull an Uno reverse card.

Jadah: How do you feel about going on IG Live together?

[maddiwrites]

Let Me Go

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Summary: This was requested! Y/N still lives with the Cameron’s following the death of her brother, but she’s being held there against her will. After many failed escape attempts, Y/N finally gets out of Figure Eight, but she’s far from safe. (The request was long so I’m going to link it here so you can see the full summary of what anon wanted!)

Note: I’m sorry this took so long to get out!!! I literally had half of it written and then it all deleted and I’m so upset because my first attempt at writing it was better but oh well. I hope you like it. Again, sorry for the long wait!

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: MENTIONS OF DRUG ABUSE, CHILD NEGLECT, GUN VIOLENCE, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF ANY OF THESE TOPICS TRIGGER YOU. PLEASE. SUICIDE HOTLINE: 800-273-8255

Masterlist

You weren’t always like this - sitting up in your unmade bed, staring at the blank wall in front of you like you could see through it, unshowered, trembling from your shoulders down to your toes, feeling empty from the inside out. 

You forget what it’s like to be free. Following the death of your brother, you’ve been trapped like a rat in a cage. Figure Eight is no longer the luxurious part of the island to you. It’s filled with lies, manipulation, secrets, murder. 

You’re still living at the Cameron’s. No, not living. Surviving. Ward refused to give his guardianship of you up. Some people wondered why - why would Ward want to live with the sister of a murderer? Yeah, that’s what they thought - that your brother killed Sheriff Peterkin and tried to kill Ward too. But you knew why.

Ward no longer treats you like a member of his family. He has you locked in your designated room on the third floor that’s basically only used as an attic and storage area. Your own personal prison. Because you know what he did - not only to your brother and his daughter but to your dad. 

You felt like you were losing grasps of reality. You only knew fall was approaching because you could hear Wheezy talking about it to Rose outside your door. You guess the time of day by the sunlight through your window and the meals brought to your room. 

Of course there have been times you tried to escape. You managed to run away a few times. The first time, you went straight to the police station and tried telling them that Ward was keeping you trapped in his home. Of course they didn’t believe you. Instead, they called Ward to come pick you up. He told the police that you’ve been experiencing delusions since the death of your brother. Without a second thought, they believed him and ignored your cries for help completely. The second time, you tried going to Kie’s, but the police found you first and brought you back to Ward’s now that they think you’re going through some kind of mental breakdown. 

By now, you’re exhausted. You’re tired of fighting and arguing and screaming. You feel empty inside, craving some sort of release or embrace of comfort. You haven’t seen your Pogues in weeks, maybe months. You wonder if they still think about you. Do they blame you for leaving John B to go off by himself with Sarah? Do they hate you?

Not only is living inside an enclosed box hard enough, but dealing with the loss of your brother, friend, and father, is killing you inside. You can’t help but feel guilty that you weren’t with them. You and your brother were supposed to be partners in crime and you totally let him go off on his own. You feel like you abandoned him and that keeps you up at night. 

Since your ways of coping are limited, you’re not proud to say you found an unhealthy way of relieving your pain. 

When you were first locked up, you would scream and kick the door that hid you from the rest of the world, begging for anyone in the house to let you go. Never did it work, but one time Rafe got extremely fed up and raced upstairs to make you shut up. You didn’t know it, but Rafe was on the verge of a breakdown himself. His dad complete shut him out as he tried to fix the damage he caused. He assumed Sarah was dead. And Barry basically owned him, making him do all his dirty work. Maybe he deserved it, but he didn’t live a luxurious life either despite living in Figure Eight.

You took a couple steps back when you heard heavy footsteps approaching your door. Rafe quickly undid the locks and barged in so fast that he almost knocked you down. 

“Oh my god. Do you ever shut the fuck up?” Rafe was breathing hard and quickly getting red in the face. You stumbled backwards, suddenly afraid of being alone with him. 

You sniffled. “I need to get out of here.”

“You’re not leaving.”

“Please, Rafe. You got to get me out of here. Please!” You never thought you’d be here, begging Rafe of all people for help. Yet here you were. With no other choices left.

Rafe paced the room and raked his fingers through his hair. “You do realize you're not the only one going through something, right?”

You swallowed back your tears and scoffed at the Kook in front of you. “Seriously? Your family is keeping me locked in here like some kind of zoo animal! My brother is dead -”

“Sarah is too!”

“But that’s not my fault!” You screamed. You pointed an accusatory finger in his direction. “That’s yours!” Rafe froze and turned to look at you. You didn’t know where you grew the balls to keep going but you did. “I know what you did. I know what your dad is trying to cover up. And he’s using my brother to do it.” You saw Rafe’s adam’s apple bob up and down as he swallowed. “Why do you think your dad is keeping me locked in here?”

“Shit,” Rafe cursed. Now he knew why his dad gave him strict instructions to never come up to your room. He started shaking his his head and shaking in his skin. “I didn’t mean to - I - I - it happened so fast.”

You could go on and on about how Rafe would never be able to dig himself out of this hole. How he will never be able to convince you that he wasn’t guilty. But you didn’t. Because he’s the only one who could help you.

“Rafe, please,” You begged. “I won’t say anything. I just need to get out of here.”

Rafe sniffled back his own tears and fears and looked out the one window that looked out into the backyard of his home. He couldn’t let you go. He knew it was selfish, but he had to save himself. 

“I can’t,” Rafe said.

A new wave of tears hit you and you felt defeated. You fell back on your bed and cried into your hands, hunched over above your knees. 

“I’m sorry,” Rafe said, but his apology was as empty as you feel. 

“Just go,” You rubbed your eyes hard enough to see stars. 

You hear something light hit the bed next to you. “I know it’s not much. But this helps me get through all this messed up shit.”

When you didn’t look at him or whatever he gave you, he took that as a hint to leave and quietly left the room. You listened to each lock being fastened again, each one leaving a crack in your heart. 

Rafe offered you something you should have never taken. A small baggie filled with fine white powder. You should have never even considered it. Drugs were never your thing. You wouldn’t even smoke with JJ when he offered a hit of whatever he was smoking. But the idea of anything taking your pain away enticed you.

And that’s how you ended up here. Broken, alone, and craving something only Rafe could supply you with. Literally. He came around every so often, sliding a small baggie under the door for you. It was the closest thing you and Rafe had to a friendship. 

Today was particularly a bad day. It was dark and rainy outside and you remembered John B’s birthday should be quickly approaching. You missed him. God, did you miss him. You would do anything to hear his voice again or steal his clothes or go surfing in the ocean with him. 

You trudged out of bed towards your dresser that held a faint line of coke left over from yesterday. With a one dollar bill, you sniffed the rest of it up your nose and blinked back the sting of tears that pricked your eyes after you did it. A rush of energy sparked up your body, through your toes and up to your head. You immediately felt lighter and that the world was spinning a little faster. But with that rush came a surge of emotions. You went from being sad to being angry real fast. 

You hated Ward. You hated Shoupe. You hated this house.  You hated Kooks. You hated yourself. You hated everything about the Outer banks. You just wanted to leave. 

You find the closest thing to you, a small makeup mirror, and smash it against one of the locks on the door. You’ve done this hundreds of times and by now the door was scratched and bruised from your abuse, but you didn’t care. You didn’t feel the glass of the mirror slice into your skin as you continued to bang it on the metal lock. You didn’t care if Ward and the others heard you throwing another temper tantrum. You just wanted out.

When you felt the lock stumble to the side of the door, you froze in your place. You stared at the broken lock, wondering if this was all a dream or a hallucination from your high. “No fucking way,” You mumbled. You looked down at the door knob and repeated the same movements until the handle completely fell off and clattered to the floor. 

You dropped the mirror and stuck two fingers through the hole in the door where the door knob use to be. While holding your breath, you slowly pulled the door open and couldn’t believe when it moved without any hiccup. 

You never thought that you would get this far, and now that you were here, you didn’t know what to do. You felt scared. Cautiously, you stuck your head out to make sure no one was in the hallway. When the coast was clear, you tip toed throughout the house, listening to the eery silence that filled it. No one was home. 

When you passed Rafe’s room, you stopped. You were out of supply and you needed more. Rafe owed you anyway, you told yourself. So you ransacked his room. Found about four more small baggies and stuffed them in your pocket before leaving.

As you walk through the halls, you pass Ward’s office and paused. It was open and unlocked. Even before all this shit happened, you never remember it being this way. You didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was the adrenaline from another escape attempt or maybe it was the cocaine, but you walked yourself into that office and looked around. 

You cursed at all the accomplishments hanging on his wall, the trophies, and expensive relics of random shit. His desk was neat and orderly despite the major crime he was trying to cover up. You sat yourself in his chair, trying to imagine what it felt like to be him. Motherfucker probably felt like a king. 

You went through his drawers, thumbing through random files you had no business looking through - most of it work related stuff and banking information. You tucked that one in your pocket for later. 

Then you hear something thump against the drawer when you pull it out. A revolver. Small and silver. Cold against your fingertips. You breath hitched as you brought it up to your face. It felt like you were holding a bomb. An object that could change your life forever. Another fresh set of tears threatened to roll down your face but you shook them away. No. No more being sad. 

You shut the drawer hard and walked out with a couple new items in your possession.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

The Pogues were spending another dreary day at The Wreck. The September sun might be out, but their spirits were down. Two of their best friends are dead and the other is trapped with two murderers. They were scared for you and have tried everything to get you back. They tried talking to the cops, they tried breaking her out. But each times the cops got in the way. They were running out of hope. At this point, they didn’t even know if they would ever see you again. They just hoped you were okay. They knew you tried escaping a few times and prayed that you would eventually get yourself out of there soon.

“JJ, you gotta eat,” Kie sighed as she watched JJ play with the fries in front of him. If anyone was handing it the worst, it was JJ. Both John B and Y/N were his best friends first. Hell, he was in love with Y/N. Had been since the sixth grade. One of his biggest regrets is that he never told you. Now he didn’t know if he ever would. 

“’M not hungry,” JJ mumbled. 

The door above the restaurant entrance rang as a couple of police officers walked in for their lunch break. The group of three glared at them as they walked in with their cocky stride and their hand resting on their tasers and guns as if everyone should be scared of them. 

“Fucking cops can’t do their goddamn job,” JJ sat back in his seat and flicked one of his fries down on the table. He hated them. More than he ever had. He couldn’t believe these people took an oath to protect this county. Fucking cowards, all of them. 

“Fucking assholes,” Kie said and watched her father approach them with a friendly smile. 

Pope snapped up when an idea popped into his head. “Sarah’s sister.”

“What?” Kie’s brows furrowed. 

“School starts next week,” Pope explained. “She’s starting high school, right? What if you tried talking to her? Maybe you can -”

Pope paused when he heard the sound of the police radios echoing off the walls from their belts. 

“Code10-92. Runaway teen last reported on Baker’s Street. Proceed with caution. Last seen wearing black sports shorts and a white tank. Suspect may be armed and dangerous.”

JJ’s head snapped back to his friends with his brows pinched together. Could this be you? Could you have made it out again? But what did armed and dangerous mean? That didn’t sound like you.

Shoupe radioed back to the station. “On our way.”

The officers dropped ten dollars in the tip jar before charging out the door to go to their vehicles. 

“We gotta go,” JJ stood up first and stuffed his phone and keys into his pocket. The other two nod and follow him out the door. If that call was about you, they wanted to find you before the cops did. “Okay. Kie, go home. She tried going to your house last time. Maybe she’ll try that again. Pope, go to Heyward’s. She trusts your dad. She might try to find him for help.”

“Where are you going to go?” Pope asked. 

“Everywhere else.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

You trudged through your old home with heavy feet. Nothing in there felt familiar to you - like it belonged to you in another life time. You first went to your room and stared at the girl in the mirror. You didn’t recognize her. Bones sticking out of your skin, dark bags under the eyes, and cracked lips and dry skin. 

Without thinking, you took the gun that’s still in your hand and smashed it against the glass, shattering it all around you. 

Ignoring the stinging in your hands from the shallow cuts on your skin, you moved on to the next room. Your brother’s room. It looked like a tornado made its way through here. Everything was tossed and turned from the police and FBI ransacking it during their search for John B. Nothing felt like it was John B’s anymore. Nothing felt private. And that pissed you off. 

Next you went to your dad’s office, somewhere you haven’t been since you found the compass. Even now, it felt like you weren’t supposed to be in here. If you believed in an afterlife, you would think your dad would be shaking his head at you. 

The office looked like John B’s room did. Whatever belonged to your dad now belonged to the state. The only things left were random files and belongings the police didn’t find of importance. But they were important to you. 

The first thing you found was a picture in a cracked frame of you, your dad, and your brother from when you were ten. Your dad was holding both of you as you blew out the candles on a birthday cake. Looking at the picture, you felt your heart being shredded apart. The picture only brought back pain and grief. You wanted that happiness back that ten year old you portrayed in that picture. But you can’t have it. Ever again.

A cry ripped through your throat as you chucked the picture across the room. From there, you went on a rampage, throwing and kicking anything that was in your way. You took one of the baggies out of your pocket and dumped it on the desk in front of you. Without any precision, you fixed the lines up with your finger and took a long whiff. You gripped the roots of your hair and tugged as you sobbed loudly and felt one of the biggest headaches explode in your brain. 

You paced back and forth in the office with the gun held in your shaky hands. You were mumbling to yourself about your options and how horrible of a sister and daughter you were for leaving your family behind. You wanted to see them. You wanted to be with them and prove to them you never meant to abandon them. 

You didn’t hear the door to the Chateau open or the sound of footsteps following your cries. It wasn’t until you heard his soft, delicate voice that you turned around and stared at your best friend with wide eyes and a startled expression. 

“Y/N...” JJ breathed out. He didn’t see the gun yet. He just saw you, crying and broken and not looking like the girl he knew only a few months ago. 

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t recognize your voice either. Hoarsed and scared. “You’re not supposed to be here!”

“The cops are looking for you! Okay? We need to get you out of here!”

“I’m not leaving!”

“What?” JJ looked at you like you grew two heads. “What are you talking about. We -”

“No! I said I’m not leaving! Agh!” Your hands flew up to your pulsating head and gripped at your hair again. The pounding in your head was excruciating and wouldn’t go away. Between the cocaine, your cries, and the exhaustion, you didn’t think it would ever go away. 

That’s when JJ saw the gun and took a shocking step back. His hands immediately flew up in surrender and he gulped down his nerves. Now he knew why the cops had called you armed and dangerous. Probably because Ward reported a stolen gun. JJ never knew you to be a violent person. It wasn’t in you. You couldn’t even hurt a fly. Which meant you didn’t steal this gun to hurt someone else. But probably...

Then his eyes flickered to the desk where he saw the reside of white powder next to an empty baggie. Now he was petrified because he didn’t know how to get through to you - if he even could get through to you.

“Y/N, baby. Put the gun down.”

“No,” You shook you head. “No, no, no. I need to see them. I need to see my dad and John B!”

“Y/n...”

“I should’ve gone with them. I should’ve - I - I didn’t mean to leave. I’m so-sorry, John B. I’m so sorry.” You were a mess. Tears and snot and running all over your red and puffy face. 

JJ kept looking between you and the gun. His only comfort was that he knew you didn’t know how to use it. You wouldn’t even touch the one he stole from Scooter Grubs. But that didn’t mean accidents couldn’t happen.

“I can’t do it anymore,” You continued. “I can’t go back there. I won’t. I won’t. I just want to see my dad.”

JJ took a hesitant step closer to you and nodded his head, keeping his hands up. “Okay. Okay. What if I helped you see your dad?”

“H-How?” You hiccuped. JJ didn’t know where he was going with this. He just knew he had to get that gun out of your hand. He took another step closer to you, but this one made you jump back. “No! No! Stay away!”

“Okay, okay!” JJ yelled back at you. “Hey. I’m here to help you, okay? Whatever you want to do.”

“I want to see them. I want to say sorry. I - I’m so sorry.”

“Y/N, they’re not mad at you-”

“I’m sorry, daddy, I -”

With you distracted, JJ took the opportunity to run at you and tackle you to the ground. He ignored the pang in his heart when he heard you cry harder, wondering if he hurt you, but he cared more about keeping you alive. He wrestled the gun out of your hands and quickly emptied the cartridge. He chucked the multiple pieces across the room and wrapped himself around your crumpled body.

“No! No!” You shrieked in JJ’s shoulder and gripped onto his shirt for dear life. “Please! Let me go!” 

JJ held on to your crumbling body as you wracked with sobs. Exhaustion quickly took over you as the adrenaline slowly vanished out of your system. Your throat was on fire from all the crying and the screaming. Your chest felt empty and your lungs heavy. All you wanted was to close your eyes and never open them again.

JJ couldn’t hold back his own silent tears as they ran down his cheeks. He hated seeing you like this. And he hated even more that he didn’t know how to help you.

“It’s going to be okay,” He said as he brushed the hair out of your face. He kissed the top of your head with his soft lips and kept mumbling into your head. “You’re going to be okay. I’m never leaving your side again. It’s going to be okay.”

He didn’t know if he was trying to convince you or himself. He jus knew he had to make you believe it.

About ten minutes later, he felt your body relax against his. When he found you fast asleep, he pulled out his phone and texted Kie to pick the two of you up. 

Until Kie got there, he stared at the delicate skin on your face with such admiration. Rage bubbled through this veins as the ideas of what you possibly went through in the that hell hole in Figure Eight. 

He knew it was going to be a long road to recovery. He knew there was a lot of fixing that needed to be done. But he made a promise that he will never let you out of his sights again. Because today was a close call. And he never wanted you to be that close to death ever again.

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - The King and Queen of Hearts

The existence of this episode just baffles me, as it undermines so much of what season three was trying to accomplish. 

Summary:  Rapunzel continues to try and restore the memories of her parents, King Frederic and Queen Arianna, and hopes to use the journal of Herz Der Sonne to remind them, but they do not understand the significance. Arianna still lusts for adventure, while Frederic cannot get over his obsession of egg collecting. Rapunzel recruits her friends to try and set up the perfect date for them and while they cannot find anything in common personality wise, they share a mutual love for Rapunzel. However, King Trevor arrives with the intent to woo Arianna using an ocean crystal he found.

So What Exactly Is the History Here? 

We have no context for this sudden love triangle. All we know is that Trevor hates Frederic because he’s still in love with Arianna who wound up marrying him instead. 

But like, I don't know why Arianna married Frederic. I don’t know why Trevor is still hung up on her years later. Did she actually choose Frederic or was it an arranged marriage cause that’s what royalty did back then? Was she having an affair with Trevor this whole time but couldn’t/wouldn’t leave because of duty? Was she and Trevor pining star crossed lovers, or is Trevor just an incel? 

I know what the story wants me to assume; that Arianna deeply loves Frederic and that Trevor is just a jackass loser; but the series has done such a poor job of making Frederic likable and giving him and Arianna any sort of chemistry that I’m inclined to side with Trevor. 

For all we know, he may be trying to rescue Arianna from both her memory loss and her abusive relationship while at it. Especially now that she’s no longer needed as a ruler and has no reason to stay in Corona. 

Why Not Just Use the Potion from Rapunzel: Day One? 

While any Varian cameo is appreciated, it doesn’t add thing to the story. In fact it only raises more questions. We already had a cure for the memory loss, why aren’t we using it? 

Even if we write it off as Rapunzel no longer having that particular Saporian spellbook on hand, she still has a whole dungeon full of actual Saporians who know magic that she could gain information from! There’s also Xavier, who already knows everything under the sun about Saporian/Coronian history and magic and owns spellbooks galore. You’re telling me he just has mood potions lying around but can’t brew up a cure for memory loss? 

Then there’s also the fact that the amnesia spell doesn’t work on Rapunzel’s parents the same as it did on Rapunzel and we’re never given a reason why. Like just some basic consistence is all I ask show. 

I also can’t figure out what Varian is even trying to do here. Where’s is the science to this? What does strawberry goop and lighting have to do with memory? It’s just a cheap reference to Frankenstein and nothing more.  

We’re Already Pass Seven Months Since Rapunzel’s Return. 

Ok, I have gotten into frequent debates with people about the timeline of season three. Many a story board artist and writer on the show have came forward and stated that season three was only one year. But the very existence of this episode disproves them! 

If you remember season one, Hearts Day took place after the Goodwill Festival, but before Queen for a Day. Even when putting episodes back into their intended production order that still remains true. 

Hearts Day has to be at least seven months past Rapunzel’s birthday, if not eight months, because the Goodwill Festival is six months past and her parent’s anniversary (QfaD) is nine months past. 

Now Rapunzel’s Return has to be Rapunzel’s 20th birthday because season two was a full year, and even if you say it’s not, then that still doesn’t explain Once a Handmaiden (the Goodwill Festival) coming after this episode.  

And no you can’t move the episodes around, Once a Handmaiden has be the second to last episode of the series and Under Raps always comes after Rapunzel’s Enemy in any order you watch the series in. 

No matter how you slice it, we’re missing a birthday episode for Rapunzel and season three has to be more than a year; a year and a half at the very least, if not two full years.  

Look I’m not trying to be disrespectful of the talented artists who worked on this show, but their word isn’t law. The very fact that they’ve had to tell us the timeline after the series was over with indicates bad writing, and the very fact that the show itself contradicts them indicates either a lack of communication behind the scenes or a lack of editorial oversight. Either option is just poor management. 

We Have Yet Another Failed Narrative Promise! 

Are we seeing a pattern yet? 

This is the third time in a row where the episode flat out states that Rapunzel needs to learn something and then, just, never has her learn it; four if you count her non-apology to Varian. Instead the show rewards her for her bad behavior by just giving her want she wants on a sliver platter for no adequate reason. 

In fact, one could argue that this episode is the worst offender in the show because divorce is a real thing real kids have to go through. Children that will undoubtedly watch the series. 

How upsetting would it be to such a child to watch Rapunzel force her parents back together  with zero consequences and realize that they can’t do that in real life? It can potentially feed into misplaced delusions or make them even more bitter, either way it’s unhealthy and super irresponsible to tackle such subject matter in this way. Even Sesame Street handled the topic of divorce better than this supposedly ‘mature’ show. 

It’s a Castle! Why Can’t Frederic Get His Own Room?

Frederic is the king. He still technically owns everything even if he’s not the one still in charge. He could have his pick of any room so why is he forcing himself on Eugene? Hell he doesn’t even have to stay in the castle. As pointed out during The Return of the King review, there’s other accommodations within the kingdom that’s suited for royalty. Why not head up to that mountain retreat?  

This is a Really Bad Message 

I understand that this is meant to be a joke, because of how ridiculously over the top it is, but because the series gives Rapunzel what she wants in the end without ever having her acknowledge how she is wrong here, it winds up validating her toxic world view anyways.

Divorce is not inherently a bad thing. We should be working towards both normalizing it and promoting healthy coping mechanisms for those that go through it, adult and child alike. What Rapunzel is doing here is just repeating puritanical fearmongering. And while I can understand why she might behave in this way, I don't understand why the show refuses to call her out on it. Or any of the other million bad behaviors she displays repeatedly through out the show... like the example below for instance... 

Why Am I Suppose to Like Rapunzel Again? 

It’s like the writers don’t understand that a joke can damage a character, especially if it’s overplayed. Super sweet upbeat Rapunzel snapping because she finally met someone who was annoying or a situation she couldn’t just solve with a positive attitude was funny maybe like the first time; but we’re three seasons in and this is supposedly her closest loved ones.  

Look at them! They’re fucking terrified of her! All they did was point out that she maybe should do her job and deal with real problems instead of poking her nose into her parents business where it doesn’t belong! And this brat is now the ruler of the whole kingdom!? No one can legally stand up to her. 

Like where’s the Eugene that stood up to her in Under Raps for trying this same bullshit? Why hasn’t she learned her lesson? She also pulled this same bullying tactic on young Lance and teen Eugene two episodes. Cass left her ass, supposedly, because of her bossy thoughtless ways. And this is also the same woman who abused a child back in season one and still has never acknowledged it. 

Yes characters should be flawed, but they should also face real consequences for their actions, and if they’re a protagonist they need to learn and grow past their flaws. 

I actively started to dislike Rapunzel after this scene. I already felt something was off way back in the season three opener, but this is the point where I stopped and went “What the fuck?” She used to be my second favorite character behind Varian. I didn’t go into this wanting to hate her, even after this episode I still held out hope that they were trying to purposefully lead up to some sort of falling out with everyone and with Rapunzel having to own up to her bullshit in order to win. You know like a classic third act “the hero is now alone due to their past mistakes” type story. But Nope! 

There’s no pay off for any of this. Rapunzel is just mean for the sake of being mean in season three, and no one is aloud to call her out on it. She’s now the same type person as Frederic, a tyrant. That’s not a good development! 

She’s Literally Bullying Her Own Parents Now, and I’m Suppose to Find that Funny? 

Yes, Frederic is her abuser, and yes some people might find this scene cathartic if they hate him. But this isn’t actually calling out his past abuse. It’s just Rapunzel treating a now powerless old man with that same abuse and denying him bodily autonomy. An old man who has both less political rights and less power within the relationship than her; since due to his memory loss he is now dependent upon her. 

In the real world it’s the equivalent of picking on an Alzheimer's patient who is in your care. I don’t give a shit how much of dick they were before the illness set in, you don’t fucking do that!  

Why Should I Want Arianna and Frederic To Be a Couple? 

The show has done nothing to sell this relationship. In fact one could argue that the show is trying to purposefully sabotage it. 

Before the memory loss Frederic was proven to be abusive, to the point where even his own wife was afraid of him and wouldn’t stand up to him. Meanwhile Arianna was shown to be a shell of her former self who’d all but given up upon the things she actually enjoyed in life. And now that they both have had a second chance they have even less motive to stay together. 

Look at Arianna up there? She’s clearly not enjoying her time with him. While he doesn’t want to engage in anything that she likes. I mean a couple doesn’t have to share their interests in everything, but there still has to be some sort of connection and the series just does not give us that connection. 

There’s no reason why they should stay together. They no longer have any commitment or duty to fulfill as rulers and their daughter is fully grown. Contrary to what Rapunzel says, the kingdom isn’t going to fall apart if they separate. It actually would probably better for everyone, including Rapunzel, if they got divorced. At least then she’d have to grow up somewhat and stop being a controlling asshat.  

Why is Attila Here?

I thought Attila got a job running his own bakery and that it was Lance who became the new cook at the Snuggly Duckling? Even if you argued that Attila was just doing Rapunzel a solid that still wouldn’t explain who is running the place when Lance isn’t there. 

If you’re going to set up developments like that then you need to either stick with them or give an on screen reason for why these previous developments are no longer relevant. Flat out ignoring them like this is just lazy. 

Lance’s New Outfit is the Best Thing About the Episode, and It’s Also a Complete Waste.

Lance deserved a new outfit because the team was too lazy to give him one for season two, even during the island arc. This however is a waste because it doesn’t add anything to the narrative. People were paid to make this thing for it to only show up for a few seconds of screen time. 

This Whole Exchange Is Gross. 

Oh let me count the ways in which this is so, so stupid. 

Neither Rapunzel nor Frederic has ever proven themselves “thoughtful and responsible.” In fact both of them being irresponsible is intentionally a plot point in the main story arc.

How would either Frederic or Arianna know any of this? Not only have they lost their memories, but they didn’t raise Rapunzel themselves and those traits aren’t inherited; they are taught. 

Gushing over your grown daughter isn’t a point of connection! 

Why would anyone be compelled to kiss a practical stranger, that they previously didn’t even like, just because they both admire some woman they also barely know and happen to be related to? What is the thought process behind this? “Oh we made that? Then lets make another one!” What the fuck show? I’m ace and even I know that’s not a normal thing to get titillated over. 

The Series Turns Frederic Into a Literal Baby In a Last Ditch Effort to Make Him Likable 

The whole point behind the amnesia plot was to absolve Frederic of his past wrong doings. You can’t call out an old man with Alzheimer's for being a dictator, I suppose. (not like that’s ever stopped me from criticizing Ronald Reagan, tho)  But from there the series then takes it one step further and actually infantilizes both Frederic and Arianna, because Chris assumes that if he makes Fredric as pathetic as possible the audience won't hate him any more. Well guess what, it didn’t work. Frederic isn’t suddenly a poor woobie just because he’s useless now. That’s not how that works.  

Rapunzel Literally Physically Assaults a Person, Kidnaps Them, Threatens Them With Even More Bodily Harm, and Causes an International Incident; All Because They Asked Her Mom Out On a Date! 

You can’t hear it in the screen shots, but there’s very clearly a clanging sound to indicate that Rapunzel just wacked Trevor upside the head and knocked him out. 

Let me repeat, a Disney protagonist just committed armed assault against a guy, simply because she doesn’t respect her own mother.

What the Fuck!!!???

Arianna is fully grown woman. She is perfectly capable of making her own choices and she agreed of her own volition to go out with him. In fact she’s the one who asked Trevor if she could come along on his sea voyage. It’s not Rapunzel’s place to interfere with that. 

Secondly, Rapunzel shouldn’t get a free pass to attack people just because she’s doesn’t like them. And she most assuredly shouldn’t get to write off her cruelty as justice because she's royalty! What the hell? You just turned one of your official princesses into a literal tyrant for the sake of a joke, Disney! 

Where the fuck was the oversight on this show!? 

And to top it all off, Trevor is a ruler of a competing kingdom. This could easily have been deemed an act of war. Thankfully for everyone involved Trevor has far more sense and compassion than Rapunzel and doesn’t push the matter. 

Yes that’s right! The intentionally annoying prat and comedic antagonist is a more upstanding person than the main heroine! Let that sink in! 

Wait, If Laws Don’t Apply Out In the Ocean, Then Why Did Eugene and Max Have Jurisdiction to Arrest Lady Caine in Peril on the High Seas? 

Max shoved this same rule book into Eugene’s face when Eugene rightfully questioned if it was his job to arrest the mutineers. This book said that it was not only his job, but that he was also legally required to stop any and all ‘wrongdoing’ no matter where he was at nor whether he was on duty or not. While also failing to specify what ‘wrongdoing’ entailed. 

Now that’s very problematic and ridiculous for a whole host of reasons that I’ve already covered back in my review of Peril on the High Seas, but this scene now adds a whole new layer of stupidity to the mix. 

If zero laws apply out in open waters than yes, Eugene and Max were acting out of their jurisdiction. Not only that, but the pervious dumb rule regarding their duties is also now null and void. So, Justice For Lady Caine! 

Oh, but were not done yet, cause it gets dumber. 

If laws, including marriage don't apply, then getting married while out at sea also would not apply. Thereby rendering Trevor’s plan useless, unless they got married back in Equis. Which if they did that, it would bypass the entire pointless rule book completely because Equis is not subject to Corona’s laws anyways. 

There’s not even any ‘inter-kingdom’ laws that they would be subject too because Equis isn’t a part of the seven kingdoms. Any treaty they did previously have with Corona would be something else entirely, and Trevor would be within his rights to end such an agreement.     

Also Trevor is a king. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Same goes for Arianna.

Ummm, No You Don’t Rapunzel

Trevor can’t marry Arianna without her agreement to it. It’s already been established that she’s physically capable of taking care of herself and she’s also mature enough to make her own decisions. If she did wind up marrying him it’d be because it’s her fucking choice to and Rapunzel has zero right to interfere with that.  

There’s no one to rescue here. Rapunzel has no reason to go chasing after her mom. All this is doing is denying a grown woman agency over her own life. Why should I or anyone, root for Rapunzel here? 

You Do Know That Arianna Has More Than Just Two Choices Here, Don't Ya Show?

Arianna doesn’t have to be in any relationship. That’s also an option. While I personally like Trevor, this shouldn’t be a choice between him or Frederic. The show should be asking what Arianna, as a character, would want for her life, instead of just shoehorning her into just being a wife for someone else. 

I still don’t know what Arianna really wants in life, but I do know that being a domestic housewife and a queen does not suit her. She doesn’t actually like being tied down with commitments and responsibilities. She’s repeatedly indicated over and over again that she feels uncomfortable in her role. 

But the show reduces her into trophy to win and turns her into a damsel in distress multiple times. Then it further neuters her so that she complacently walks back into that life over and over again for no logical reason. She’s treated not as a person but as a prop.    

Really, Arianna? Are You Really Sure About That? 

These aren’t Arianna’s words. They’re Chris’s. 

Arianna has shown zero interest in Frederic up to this point. The closest they got was during that creepy boat scene where they just jumped to almost kissing for no real reason.  While before now Arianna was making actual goo-goo eyes at Trevor earlier, before Raps stepped in and broke them up.  

They actually do have things in common and had a genuine point of connection. They even almost kissed themselves until Raps started being a dick. No forced and icky conversations about their grown children needed here folks!

While I still firmly believe Arianna should just be single, the show does far more to convince me that she and Trevor should be together more so than her and Frederic. Everything about this scene on the boat feels forced and hollow because it doesn’t ring true to what was previously established. 

This just isn’t good writing. It’s the animation equivalent of a six year old smashing their Barbie dolls faces together and shouting “now kiss!”, all because a middle aged man couldn’t get over they fact people didn’t like his self insert. 

No, wait, I apologize. That’s being mean to six year olds. They usually have more interesting plots and established characterization than this.  

Hey, Remember When the Series Villainized an Orphan For Stealing This Stupid Book? 

Yeah, stealing the book was treason and the mains ruined a child’s life over it, but apparently it just doesn’t matter any more cause no one seems to give a shit about Trevor taking it. Like, yes, as the king of another kingdom, Trevor isn’t beholden to Frederic’s bullshit, but you would think that the characters would treat this as a bigger deal than what they do, given how they responded previously to it being taken.

Unless Rapunzel was just talking out of her ass back during The Alchemist Returns. That’s also quite possible.  

This Literally Has Nothing To Do With You Rapunzel 

Just because Rapunzel herself is a woman, doesn’t mean that stealing the agency of another female character isn’t misogynist. Especially when their both written by primarily men.  

Every guy who was involved with the writing of the episode, should be fucking ashamed of themselves!!! 

So What Exactly Has Trevor Done Wrong Up To This Point? 

Yes, the story board artists and voice actors do a lot of heavy lifting here to try and make Trevor seem like a creep. Arianna’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with him here will be very familiar to a lot of women, I’m sure. I know what it’s like to have a stalker and not know how to turn them down because you’ve been trained all your life to ‘be polite and nice” to people, and I’m not unique in that regard. 

But here’s the thing, it’s not set up properly. There’s nothing backing this sudden shift in the characters’ dynamic. Up till now Trevor has been a perfect gentlemen. Sure he was over the top as always, and you could call it an act when regarding his politeness to Frederic, but he seemed to genuinely respect and admire Arianna and clearly desires genuine affection in return from her. Why would he suddenly stop behaving in a way that worked for him and start talking over her instead? 

Also why wouldn’t Arianna just tell him no to begin with if that’s what she wants? She had no trouble speaking her mind before now. But that begs the question why she wouldn’t return his feelings as well, because as stated above, she clearly showed interest in him previously. 

This is So Fucking Forced

Yeah, okay, you’re daughter has no reason to be here to begin with, disrespected your wishes, and attacked Trevor first. At this point I’d argue he has a right to retaliate. Especially since, if Rapunzel was allowed to board, you know she’d just attack him again, because she knows no other way to resolve conflicts other than to hit people very hard.  

Arianna’s actions here only make sense if she’s kept in the dark about what an awful human being her daughter really is. That’s poor writing. 

Also, having a woman just punch people while denying them actually agency and choice within the plot is not ‘girl power.’ It’s fucking misogyny!

How Does Doing the Bare Minimum, and Just Showing Basic Human Decency Count As ‘True Love’? 

What was she suppose to do? Let him drown? I mean I wouldn’t, and I despise the man. Not to mention anyone else could have done the same thing. They’re all right there. If Lance had jumped to the rescue would Trevor have proclaim them lovers too? 

Trevor Is Still the Better Man Here

Here he is rescuing Rapunzel even after she treated him like shit. 

Best. King. Period. 

This Still Doesn’t Redeem Frederic 

So through out the episode Frederic has inexpiably shown an obsession for eggs. He now collects them even though this was never an established trait before now. But whatever. He’s just been through something traumatic and looking for something to ground himself.  Far be it from me to make fun of someone else’s special interest. If you like to collet eggs than good for you. Go live your life to fullest. 

That’s more respectful than how the show handles it, as everyone dismiss his interest and it’s treated like a joke through out the episode. Only to have said obsession save the day. But this isn’t here to teach the others about respecting other people’s hobbies, oh no, it’s here to try and give Frederic a big hero moment so you’ll cheer for him. 

Except one nice thing does not erase his past actions! I don’t care what your hobby is, if you deliberately try to cause grievous harm to people you’re and asshole! And you will continue to be an asshole until you can admit what you’ve done wrong and try your best to make up for it. 

I Hope You Made Back Up Copies of The Tunnel Maps 

A bunch of people are more upset over this development than I am, because it is a historical artifact and preserving the past is important. But the only story function the book held was a map to the tunnels, and said tunnels were never utilized properly through out the entire show. 

To this day people still don’t understand that they’re meant connect the island to Old Corona or that Herz Der Sonne is the one who built them into order to invade Saporia because the show is so bad at its world building. And come season three, they’re all but irrelevant anyways. Such a wasted concept. 

Once Again the Whole ‘Memory Loss’ Subplot Is a Copout 

Ok that’s not how the spell worked previously, but that’s not what I’m taking issue with here. 

If the whole point behind the amnesia plot twist was to sweep Frederic’s awfulness under the rug, then I expect his past actions to be addressed once he’s regained his memories. They are not. 

This episodes reverses the very thing that the season was trying to achieve and just hopes the audience is too stupid/attention deficient to notice. Well guess what, we noticed and we’re far smarter than you Chris. 

Conclusion

I don’t understand the point of this episode. It shoots everything season three is trying to do in the foot. It screws up the timeline, makes Rapunzel even more of an irredeemable dickhead while preventing her from learning yet another needed lesson, undermines Arianna as a character once again, and it puts Frederic back in the crosshairs of the audience’s scrutiny. 

Oh and look, it’s written by the same guy who wrote Rapunzel’s Return. Why am I not surprised.  

Anyways another one down and only 15 more to go. You can support my continued marathon by dropping a tip in my ko-fi if you wish. I’m currently back to job hunting yet again and anything you can give is appreciated. 

https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines

[vergilthelibrarian]

Dream of Me.

TW: Self harm mentioned, suicide mentioned

Yandere!Doctor!SichengxGenderNetural!Reader ft.Jisung

Did I use my experience from my various stays at different psych wards as inspiration for this? Why yes, yes I did

You stared at the window of your room, not wanting to go out to the day room.

After talking to some friends, you decided to listen to them and check yourself into a psych ward since it was obvious you were having a full psychotic break again.

And since the voices were telling you to outright kill yourself, you had to be watched by nurses 24/7.

The voices were tiring you out and your medication simply wasn’t working anymore.

Hearing a voice, you looked back and saw the young doctor who was overlooking your case.

Doctor Dong Sicheng.

He asked the nurse to step out the room for a bit so he could talk privately with you and she did, giving you a sweet smile before leaving the room.

Sicheng took the chair that the nurse was sitting on and moved it closer to your bed, taking a seat.

“So Y/n.” he smiled. “How are you feeling?”

You moved and sat up to face him, crossing your legs together.

You blinked at him as you said, “I don’t know.”

“Do you hear the voices?” he asked and you nodded.

“What are they telling you?”

You looked away from him, opting to pull at your fingers, a nervous habit of yours.

“They keep talking over each other. Telling me to die, or calling me worthless. That my family is right about me...”

“Hmm.” Sicheng wrote something down quickly before looking back up at you.

“Are you still seeing shadows?”

You nodded.

“Yeah. I see giant bugs crawling on the wall or little bugs crawling on me.”

“Do you see them now?”

“Not right now.” you shook your head.

Sicheng wrote something down again.

“You know.” he started, his dark brown eyes back on your slumped figure. “You should really go out to the day room, get to know the other patients.” he said with a small smile.

You didn’t say anything to him.

You honestly just wanted to go to sleep.

“I’ll bump up your dosage of risperidone to 2mg. You’ll take one at night and one in the morning.” he wrote down his words, his eyes soon back on you again. “How is the 60mg of prozac helping you?”

“I don’t feel… hopeless? I can’t explain it well but that sadness isn’t as much of a problem anymore. Now it’s just my hallucinations and delusions.” you answered.

“Delusions?” and finally you looked at the doctor.

“I feel like there are cameras in this room.” you told and Sicheng nodded.

“If it helps you feel less paranoid, I can have the nurse look around the room for you.” and you nodded quickly at his suggestion.

Sicheng wrote some more notes down and you wondered what exactly was he writing.

He looked up once more and smiled at you.

“That’s about it for today. Lunch time should be coming soon.” he said, getting up from the chair.

He stood there, his eyes never leaving yours and finally said, “Have a lovely day Y/n.” sending a chill down your spine.

He walked to the door and out the room and you finally let out a breath you was holding after your little stare down with the doctor.

~~

You looked up as you saw a boy sat a tray down on the table you were sitting at, his brown eyes sparkling as he asked, “Can I sit here?” and you nodded, your attention going back to your lunch.

“U-um… I’m Jisung.” the boy said and you looked at him once more.

“I’m Y/n.” you said, giving him a small smile.

“Have you been in a place like this before?” he asked and you nodded.

“I’ve been in psych wards a couple of times.” you admitted to him and the boy nodded.

“This is my first.” he said, soon taking a bit of his food.

“What are you in here for if you don’t mind me asking.”

Jisung glanced away for a bit, his fingers taping the table. His eyes went back to you, sighing as he said, “I was cutting myself.” and he showed you his arms.

Scars decorated his arms but there was one scar that looked recent and it looked deep.

“It wasn’t like I was trying to kill myself or anything. I just needed to know if I was still me again.” he said.

“I hope I don’t sound too crazy...” he added, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Dude, we’re in a psych ward. Mostly everyone here is crazy.” you said.

“If you wanna know why I’m here, I’m having a psychotic break right now and need to be somewhere safe so I won’t be found dead in a river or something.” and Jisung laughed.

“What do you have?” he asked.

“Paranoid schizophrenia. One of the “scary” mental illnesses.” you rolled your eyes. “What about you?”

“Same. I mean with having a scary mental illness, not with having schizophrenia. I have DID.”

You nodded your head.

As you two talked and ate, you felt eyes on you and when you finally decided to look around, you saw your doctor talking to your nurse.

Your jaw clenched and you squeezed the plastic fork that was in your hand.

Jisung saw this and looked to where you were looking at. He looked back at you in confusion.

“What’s wrong?” you broke out of your trance and looked back at Jisung.

“That guy right there is my doctor.” you said, pointing at Sicheng.

“He gives me the creeps...”

Jisung titled his head.

“Why?” he asked and you shook your head.

“I-It’s nothing.” Jisung took that as a sign to not push the topic any further.

~~

As you laid in your bed, staring at the window once more, you heard your door creak open and your breathing hitched.

The door closed and you gulped.

“I know you’re up Y/n.” his voice said.

You turned around and met Sicheng’s eyes.

He leaned back in the chair he was sitting in.

“You were always so beautiful… even when we were young.” he breathed out.

“I became a psychologist because of you you know. You would always tell me about your problems and all I’ve ever wanted to do was fix them. To heal the hurt you had, the pain you felt. The illnesses that plagued you.

“But then, you left me. Went off to University in another state so you could follow your dreams of becoming an opera singer. You’ve always been so ambitious.” he chuckled.

“I only followed you so you wouldn’t get hurt. So you’d be safe. Honestly, you’re safer in here than you are outside.”

Sicheng sighed.

“I’m the only one who has ever truly cared about you. I’m the only one who has ever genuinely loved you and that’s never going to stop no matter how much you push me away all because you’re upset over the things I did in order to protect you.” his face was serious.

“I love you.” his face was now gentle. “And no matter how long it takes, you will love me back. I’m a patient man.”

He got up from the chair and went to your bed.

He leaned down and kissed your forehead, his warm breath hitting your skin, causing you to shiver.

“Goodnight 宝贝(bǎo bèi/sweetheart). Dream of me.”

[samantha-girlscout]

Goro's plan is simple: leave Tokyo and never see the Phantom Thieves again.

In hindsight he truly should have known just how impossible of a task that truly is.

---

7/1

Admittedly, it feels good to be on his own again.

He'd been on his own ever since he moved to Tokyo. It was a fact that he used to be proud of. Goro would look at his fellow classmates, overhear their complaints about strict parents, and relish in his ability to come and go from his apartment as he pleased. He never spoke up to brag about it (it would have been rude at the time), but he certainly enjoyed the sense of superiority that it gave him at the time.

Never mind the fact that he rarely spent more than the span of a scant night's sleep and intense study session. Nor that, more often than not, he passed out the moment he arrived home. No one needed to know the price he paid for that freedom.

He'd lived that way for nearly three whole years. Alone, but too busy to think much about it. Mind too full of revenge plots and societal expectations to stop and consider any other path for his life.

That was until December of last year.

He caught a small glimpse of that other path. A bit too late to take, perhaps. But, that short moment of clarity broke him free long enough to skirt the edge and make a new choice.

It wasn't an elegant choice, but it was his choice to make.

Unsurprisingly, he rejected Maruki's false reality. He might have gone soft in the end, but he'd made that choice knowing full well what that would mean for him. And he'd be damned if some sleezebag quack with a bleeding heart took away his agency just to appease his rival's sensibilities.

If he was going to die, then he was going to die on his own terms goddammit.

Akira had been loath to accept his fate a second time. To this day, Goro cannot understand why Akira would much rather live in a world where he was a live than one where all autonomy was stripped from the world's inhabitants. It made no sense for a thief with a strong moral compass forgo those morals for an enemy who'd thrown his away long ago.

If Goro was honest, up until the very end, he'd been worried that Akira would go back on his decision. That he would sacrifice the whole world to live in one of delusion. But, thankfully, he followed through on his convictions and allowed the world to revert back to how it was before: the thieves going about their lives and Goro falling into oblivion to face whatever fate may befall him posthumously.

Or so Goro thought until he awoke in a hospital bed in early March, disoriented and afraid that reality had been fucked up once more.

To this day he doesn't understand how he got from Shido's palace to a local ER. He's gone through so many professionals these past few months, and each had their own understanding of what happened that night. A few said that he stumbled in on fumes before collapsing in the lobby. Some claimed that he came in an ambulance after a politician saw him lying prone on the sidewalk. One nurse even claimed that a blonde woman with a strange blue cap carried him all the way to the ER and then disappeared without a trace moments later.

However he found himself there, though, he hadn't known a moment of peace.

He remembers the first month in the hospital being the most insufferable span of time in his life. It had tapered off some over time, especially near the end of his time at the rehabilitation center, but there was still always someone there. Someone to help when needed, of course. But, also, always someone to poke and prod. Or to bother him endlessly about sensitive topics. Or just to monitor him as he did the most rudimentary of tasks to figure out when the time would be 'right' for him to finally leave their care.

So, yes. It's nice to be alone in an apartment of his own for the first time in nearly five months

The apartment itself isn't particularly special. It's a studio with a bathroom, small kitchenette, a compact washing machine, and air conditioning. It's a far cry from the luxurious apartment that Shido had housed him in, but it's in his name, not Shido's.

Goro turns away from the door front door to glance at the small amount of counter space where all of his important documents and his brand new key sit. There's a part of him that wants to rifle through the papers to triple check that the only name on the lease is his, but the moment he leaves the entry way a bout of exhaustion hits him like a  freight train.

He leans heavily against the counter and closes his eyes against the dots starting to form in front of them.

The trek from Tokyo to Sapporo wasn't exactly long, but he isn't used to doing much of anything anymore. He's regained much of his strength in record time, but his endurance is a far cry from where it was a year ago. Back then he could have run laps around Mementos for hours on end. Now, he can barely walk for more than half an hour before he had to take a break.

Not that he'd necessarily allowed himself much of a break today. A fact that he's now regretting terribly as the weight of the day lays heavily on his limbs.

He allows himself a moment or two at the counter before he opens his eyes and navigates to the main living area. There isn't much. A rolling suitcase and duffel bag sit haphazardly against the wall contrasting with the new futon sitting in the center of the room, neatly made.

Despite how overbearing the social worker from the local out patient facility had been the past couple of hours, he's suddenly grateful for how insistent she had been in making sure that it was ready for him. He'd tried to tell her that he'd be able to do it himself (a thinly veiled excuse to get her to leave ASAP), but she'd refused to listen. He hates to admit it, but she had been right to do so. If it wasn't currently set up, Goro's pretty sure that he'd have slept on the floor.

He forgoes everything aside from plugging in his phone. Normally he would wash his face and change into pajamas, but he can't be bothered with either tonight. Instead he strips down, leaving his clothes in an unorganized pile at the foot of the futon, and crawls under the covers.

His mind wants to stay awake longer thinking of all the appointments he has this week, what he's left in Tokyo, the light still being on, the likelihood that Shido will find out where he's moved to… But his body doesn't allow any of those thoughts to stay for more than a second at a time. And, no matter how much his mind rebels against going to bed so early, his body forces him to go to sleep.

He'll worry about all of it tomorrow.

[nightswithkookmin]

RE JIKOOK IS ESTRANGED

Them

Me

Lol

JUMP CUT ALERT: This is a continuation of an ongoing discussion behind the scenes.

DISCLAIMERS:

Article 19, UN Universal Declaration of Human Rights: Every person has the right to freedom of opinion and expression which includes the freedom to hold an opinion without interference through any media.

Misinterpretation of my opinion, my words constitute a violation of my human rights. Please do not take my words out of context, share it on another platform in furtherance of your own agenda. If you do hold yourself accountable first. You are the author of your own intentions and interpretations.

I do not intend malice by my words nor do I seek to be disrespectful of any member mentioned in here. I simply enjoy mentally stimulating conversations and thought provoking discussions.

Let the records show.

MATTER OF THE DAY

Thanks to everyone that's shared your thoughts on this matter with me and thanks to that person that brought this matter to my attention.

I haven't looked into it and I don't know how severe this issue is.

I think people have the right to believe in anything they want to believe in. Personally, I don't think Santa is real but clearly others do, doesn't mean I'm sane or that they are crazy.

I don't think discussions of this nature should be about who is right or who is wrong. Everyone's opinion is valid and holds true to their own delusions. Lol.

Frankly, I prefer this kind of ship wars to the slurs and abuses and they are distributing hard core porn now?? What is going on! Chileee.

I have never believed JK and Tae to be anything more than friends. At one point, I wondered if they were even friends at all lol but since they admitted to having had a falling out themselves at one point the topic is now moot.

Tae and JK have- had- have a really special bond. To me anyways. I always saw them as the evil power twins of BTS due their ability to come together to wreck havoc especially on Bang PD's scripts. Lol. I think I have mentioned this a few times now.

I smiled to myself when I heard them call themselves partners in crime. The bond is there no two ways about it- you either appreciate it for what it is or you don't. personally I love their bond. Can't stand their shippers but I love their bond. They keep the drama going for me- love it. Lol

The question has always been whether their bond is as profound as their shippers make it seem. I argue it's not and I will always argue it is not. Lol

I think it's only fair that they also question whether Jikook's bond is as profound as we make it sound. I really can't be mad at that. All is fair in love and war- at the very least we can agree to disagree.

I mean even Jikookers themselves question the extent of JK and JM's bond. Some think they are just very special friends and nothing more. I think I talked about this in my is Jikook real post when I mentioned labels and the degree of love between JK and JM?

We know JK and JM have a unique bond. The question then is how far does that bond go. Is it just platonic, romantic or something in between?

This is the question I was aiming to answer with my is Jikook real post. My objective was to try and dismantle all the nuances that keep us from seeing the 'truth' about Jikook- that they are real. At least the way I see them.

I talked about unrealistic expectations we have of Jikook, false conditionings that often leads us to see Jikook as something more than they are- the amplified Jikook. We get used to highlight reels of Jikook's interactions in edits such that we feel there is something wrong with them when we see them in real time.

I mentioned that Jimin's nurturing nature often also estops people from reading more into his relationship with JK. He is nurturing of everyone, JK ain't special- they argue, just as this person is doing.

I talked about Jimin's Idol persona, the facade of the boy in love with JK- Jimin's role within BTS since debut and how that can equally blind us into thinking Jikook is something more or less than they really are. I have a post dedicated to this topic sitting in my drafts so I will not go into the details of it here. Please look forward to that.

But this person's post touches on another aspect of Jimin's personality that I feel is one of the things that often keeps us from seeing his relationship with JK for what it really is- his inclination for professionalism.

I keep saying this, several times now, that Jimin's Idol persona to me seems well developed, elaborate and very elusive.

I have mentioned a few times how I think during Jikook break ups that they keep it civil and professional for the sake of the team and that you might not even notice the difference especially if you place high value on their skinship.

The skinship would be there, the cordiality and civility would equally be there- except for moments when they are fighting, that gets bloody. Lol. They are best friends at the very least. It is why it's important to reevaluate the metrics we use to determine whether or not they are a couple.

I wish I could dialogue with this person to understand her assessment of Jikook and what she is using to determine whether or not Jikook are a couple and what makes her think Tae and JK are. Know what I mean?

What makes her think Jikook were a couple before 2017? What makes y'all think Jikook are a couple at all? I would like to hear from y'all- but come at me with the skinship bit and I'll block you deadass. Lol

So on this person's post, I think I agree with her assessment of JM's persona but I don't agree with the Jikook have been broken up since 2017. And I think I understand where this is coming from... I think some of us do. Yes they had a few fights that year especially leading up to Jimin's birthday- August was it? but we all know JK more than made up for it with the damn GCFs. Lol. kindly visit the timeline, peruse as many content as you can and form your own opinion on it. This is just mine.

Are Jikook Jikooking all the time? Absolutely not. They are human too. They fight, they make up, they break up they get back together, they have introverted, extroverted moments, they go up, they go down- have bad hair days, it's all part of their dynamics I'm afraid. From my point of view of course.

I feel some people notice these things too and when they sense Jikook aren't in a good place they bow out and Jump ship- I don't blame them. They are shippers not supporters. What Jikook need are supporters not shippers- or maybe both, do you.

Could this person be one such people? DNF shippers? Given up on Jikook before the end of their story? I don't know. May be.

Jikook is not a fantasy that you ship. It's a relationship that you support. You can't escape into them. They are an ongoing love story- chapters close, chapters open, you just have to ride it out till the very end.

I think the challenge of their post for me is whether or not Jikook is a performance. Her post leans into the whole Jikook is fanservice bull especially in light of the recent photoshoot video which some are using as evidence Jikook don't 'click' when the cameras are off- the lies they tell on Beyonce's internet!

I think I have speculated on this and shared my thoughts on this whole Jikook is fanservice bit. I will delve deeper into it in my next post on Jimin's idol persona but as I've already said, Jikook is fanservice is equally a misnomer.

Yes Jikook does fanservice sometimes, but they are not fanservice. Fanservice is the cover for their relationship. It's their glass ceiling- nothing to see here folks just two snakes under glass. Keep it pushing. (Sorry. Couldn't help myself. Lol)

But you do raise a valid question, what is Jikook like when the cameras are not filming?

Is the mood of Jikook in that footage the general mood of Jikook behind cameras as Tuktukkers are claiming? They barely interact, JM doesn't pay much attention to Kook, yadda yadda yadda?

And the part that gives me a complex, that JK only interacts with JM when they are the center of attention. Huh???????????

Sigh.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place on this one.

The theory you pointed out in support of this assertion isn't mine and I think I made it clear I didn't share the same thoughts on it. I said it was valid nevertheless. Chilee, this is hard. Lol

Yes JK is an introvert, Jimin is an extrovert, JM doesn't live for JK, all that is true and some Jikookers have said that too- so when you ask, if this is who they are when the cameras are off does that mean what they do when the cameras turn on is fanservice-

I-👁👄👁

I don't know the thought process that went into that theory so I can't confidently defend it. I'll ask? Lol.

Personally, I'd like to know whether or not they see the tension in that footage as tension in the first place. Chileee I don't know.

I see it as tension. Not a very serious one though. So we'd have to agree to disagree on that one.

But the part I can argue, the part I agree with is Jikook aren't hyper super duper lovey dovey on each other all the time. They aren't cuddly all the time. They have their moments of quiet- Jimin seems like the more affectionate kind who'd rub all over JK in the comfort of their homes but still...

If you ask me though, I think Jikook are tamer on cameras than they are behind scenes. I always talk about the fear and panic in the members' eyes when they see Jikook gravitating towards each other- it's probably because they know the extent of Jikook's shenanigans. They know how worse it can be because they've seen it all.

And when JK panics sometimes when JM gets closer too you just know dude is scared perhaps because of his Mochi chick's devil may care shamelessly in love policies- Jimin wild. Bless him.

I did say also that Memories 2019 is equally eye opening. These were censored bits. BigHit was holding all of that and giving us crumbs- stingy mfs. Bless.

All that said, again I don't think Jikook are hyper lovey on eachother behind the scenes. Another part I diverge from that view is that this is not exactly off camera. It was just behind the scenes of a photoshoot. Something we've seen a countless times.

This is not BTS's first ever behind scenes photoshoot. It's just a different angle that's all.

They were working. They were at work. This wasn't an alone private space for them so they can't base on this to say Jikook don't interact when the cameras are off.

The cameras were rolling. We saw them interact, JM was interacting with everyone the way he always does on camera all the time except he wasn't interacting with JK the way he does all the time, grainy footage or not- I mean let's call a spade a spade and not a big fat spoon. Lol

As to why he was doing that- let's just say there are many schools of thoughts.

My thought as I've said is JM was freezing JK out. I think with anyone that's recognized and is familiar with Jikook fights, that mood is all too familiar as I mentioned earlier.

If JM was being courteous and not mad at his man then he would have kept it 'professional' and done the 'fanservice' bit with Jk as per usual just as this person is saying since the cameras were still rolling.

Jikook is not fanservice. They are real.

I have refrained from providing a detailed analysis of that '5 minutes' footage for reasons I will explain later when I do share my thoughts on that footage- eventually. Some day.

But my hypothesis remains the same that I think Jikook were fighting or had a minor issue. As to why they were fighting, chileee I don't know. The confirmation bias in me feel it had something to do with JM's birthday but honestly it could have been over anything at all- dumplings, microphones- we all saw that slap on stage, a certain Iphone notification perhaps, did JinMin make a secret VLive without Kook again? Lol

There are plethora of reasons, I can only speculate on a few. And I think we've all seen Jimin when he is not 'Jimining' with the others, JK included. Take his mood with Tae at GDA for example- since this is not a VMin post I won't go into it.

But it seems they squashed whatever beef they were having on stage when JM extended his hands to Tae and they shaked it out.

We've seen him and Suga bicker too- which again, I am not gonna to get into out of respect for their shippers but I can point you to the On comeback VLive early this year when Suga touched JM and JM mouthed Hajima to him- which I think had something to do with what was going on with him and JK at the time but that is besides the point. Every shipper for themselves.

I contrast his 'fights' with Suga and V to show you the difference between Jimin being professional and courteous and Jimin being rah rah. He was sat next to suga, talking and laughing with him but snapped the moment Suga held his back.

He did the same in the Dynamite MV Vlive, smiling and laughing with Suga but the moment JK teased him with the Yoonmin comment his countenance fell.

Jimin is not that good of an actor if you ask me. I have said he is very Kumbaya in nature, often makes compromises for the sake of the team but that don't mean he is a pushover or one to trifle with- he scares me when he is mad. Lmho.

The scene in that footage didn't look to me as that he was being nice and courteous to JK- is that y'all's definition of professional courtesy? Damn.

If they were having a lover's squabble then the 'icy' mood of Jikook we saw in that footage is not the general mood of Jikook when the camera's are turned off.

I have to state again that I don't know much of what goes on behind the cameras and most of the things we see sometimes are equally missing context.

That been said we have seen enough of Jikook 'behind cameras' and they are more intimate than we can imagine. A certain cozy selfie at the back of an abandoned truck comes to mind. Whatever they were doing at the back of the track wasn't intended for the cameras judging from JK's reaction.

We've had glimpses of Jikook when they are not the center of attention enough to have a fair idea of what they are when cameras are off and I don't think it is that mood we saw in that footage.

We saw them at Jingle ball bell, towards the end of 2019. We saw them in their own space doing what they do best- making us feel single as fuck. Bless them.

We've seen them at awards, we've seen JK eating Jimin's ear nom nom to calm him down- like I would have just bought him icecream to calm down his nerves or rubbed his back but whatever JK. He is your man; you know him best. Good for him. Good for both of you. Now come back and feed us.

And the bit about JK only laughing with JM when he noticed he was on the Bangtan Bomb cameras in that footage- now that's nasty below the belts phony ass ass! I felt that one straight in my chest, shit. Lol

Dude was in a doghouse it seemed and I noticed them stealing glances at each other and.... sigh.

I just think JK was looking for an opening to warm his way back into JM's good graces- it's really nothing we haven't seen before.... sigh.

This is 2020 that narrative of JK hates Jimin, JK doesn't like JM needs to stop. It's dead. Pack it up. Chileee, y'all tried it with this one.

Jk is nice to JM only when the cameras are on him? Nice try.

JK is so fake and fraudulent he glared RM down till he stepped away from Jimin- again, in the very same photoshoot footage y'all swear to God is proof Jikook is not real.

Find it. RM stood next to JM. Looks up see's something- or someone. Does his tell- the hand to head thingy he does when JK glares at him over Jimin. He backs away inches from JM.

Cut to JK. Dudes a mood. Jin bumps into him, stares at him but JK wouldn't even look at him and then deadass looks away grumpyly- talk of professionalism. You doing great swidy keep going!

You can hide a relationship, fake it on God but you can never hide the intimacy. Taekook just lack that intimacy, I'm sorry. Even in that 'estranged' moment Jikook's intimacy was still there-

Even in whatever mood JK was in- which again, I believe was just due to their lover's squabble- JK still was claiming his man and exercising his right of authority over him. That's how you know they are not broken up. In my opinion. Chileee. I'm gonna get in trouble. Deep sigh.

Y'all think JK was hovering over Jimin because he was preparing to strike him down like a censored censored censored? Yea, he was preparing to strike alright- All the corners of Jimin's heart. Y'all better stop before I find you. Lol

I said I wasn't going to analyze the footage in this post but damn. This man out here serving us all kinds of brooding assorted jeonlous as his man takes a time out or two to wiggle wiggle wiggle on him Malfroy style and y'all are out here peddling nonsense. Strike one.

He was a mood alright. Did y'all see Tae rubbing his chest, arms and legs, ears did y'all see any body else in there doing that for him? Y'all's falcon cannot hear his falconer give it up and sorry, Jikook can't relate.

As I've posited, JM I feel was mad as hell for whatever reason and wasn't in the space to be that person JK needed him to be- in that moment. Doesn't mean they are like that behind scenes all the time.

And before I get attacked again for causing drama, being toxic etc by Jikookers understand that I am just a delusional person shipping these two in a way that makes sense to me. Write me off as delulu, and go please.

Whatever ambiguity surrounds that moment, to me, Jin and RM's reaction to JK clarifies things a bit. Jikook were boiling hot. JK was still keeping an eye on his man. Lol. Bless them. That's my conclusion. I'm running miles with that. Catch me. Lol

Feel free to come up with your own theory in a way that makes sense to you.

I'm not sure how long that fight lasted but from the rain day incident I'm hoping it wasn't that long. Jikook are fine I believe- I hope. Judging from the way JM drew JK out in his VLive with the whole I miss JK comment? Did that not sound familiar to y'all? And that Mickey mouse thingy- JM ain't slick. Bless him.

JM is the perched akekeke whisperer whispering all kinds of things in JK's ear, feeding JK news of what goes on on social media and what not. Dude don told his man they won a BB on his birthday, told his man Jin wasn't happy he chose his bag over his- definitely told his man Army was missing him- what? I'm going with that too sue me. Lol

Did you or did you not see Jk coming out to do a live log afterwards? And JK seemed less grumpy, in very high spirits? Wedding bells- I'm manifesting it for JK. Manifest with me.

Remember when JM did a log and talked nonsense about JK, and JK did a rebuttal log to respond to JM and address some of the things JM had said about him? Remember that? It's a jikook thing and it's back😌

I have said JM uses social media to connect with Army while JK uses it as an outlet to express himself. Through out his Live he kept talking about how he wasn't prepared to do a live and it shows in the way he kept saying it was awkward, he just kept it business and didn't know what else to share... I wonder who put his paws on him, dragged his ass to turn on the camera because Armys had asked of him- a certain quick tempered chick who dragged his man out on social media to do the whole Chuseok greetings 2020 on Twitter perhaps?

And JK is so whipped he'd do just about all the hoops to appease his man- Jikook AU written by Goldy. High five. No but seriously...

Behind the scenes, JK sneaks into JM's bed at night- Taekook does it too? Please! The look on JM's face when RM spilled that tea is enough said.

There's only two people in BTS that panic and don't want us to know they lay one on God in bed and it's not Tae Kook.

JK: Jimin hyung and I will sleep here

JM: how about we let the others choose first

Everyone shares a room:

Footage:🦄🍲🐯🧀🐺🍟🐓🥛🐑🛏

JIKOOK share a room:

Footage: 🚪👀

Behind the cameras Jikook sneak into each others bed- camera caught them live. You saw JM's face, I can't make this shit up. Lol

Behind the scenes, Jikook do laundry at 1am. *insert JM pervy face meme.

Chileee, y'all making me trip with this one. Deep breaths.

Jikook have their moments. This was one of them. Can they be human? Please. Thank you.

At this point, these folks are not even shippers. They is shoppers shopping a man for their bias. Lol. Just admit y'all want Jeon thick thighs strong butt for your bias and go. Just admit you want some tall glass of Tiger charming face husky voice strong chest for your bunny and go. Lmho

Chilee, when we say Tae and Kook had a falling out we don't mean they freeze eachother out behind cameras. Hell, we don't even mean they fake their bond or interactions. C'mon! Tae and JK admitted they are not lovers and y'all is bitter. That's why y'all is making up this nonsense about Jikook. Speak the truth and shame the devil. Peter would be proud.

When we say Tae Kook is not real, We just mean JM spends JK's birthday with him while every one including Tae is out there cruising for Jesus with friends. We just mean Jikook claim eachother even when they beefing. That ship beefed and didn't even know they was beefing and they are real? Damn.

We just mean Jikook make efforts for each other even when they are having bad days- Had it not been for Jimin they'd still be gnashing on these cold streets. Place some respect on his name, y'all's ungrateful. Lol

Tae and JK don't want each other they both want Jimin- there. I said it.

Thanks for attending my Tedtalk. 👁👄👁

Now where was I? Never mind. I'm just gonna go burn some sage. There's too much negativity going on around. Hakuna matata!

There is nothing wrong with Taekook as a ship. Personally, I'm a multishipper I ship all the ships but I support Kookmin. I don't mind their shippers calling them whatever, but my eyes twitch when people who claim they support Jikook act wishy washy with Jikook. Lol. Like are you going to withdraw your support of Kookmin if JK sits on Tae's lap?👀 Yall make me nervous. How can you think Jikook is real but then look at Taekook and go huh??? What are y'all seeing that I can't see?

Like those are two completely different dynamics. It's the skinship isn't it? Talk to me. Jikookers who see something nonplatonic in Taekook honestly give me trust issues. Y'all have me out here looking over my shoulders.

I am delusional but I'm confident in my delusions because to me it is about the love and support for JM and JK as LGBTQ plus couples. Please stop shipping Jikook, stop shopping JK and JM for eachother and start supporting them because they are real.

IN MY OPINION.

Signed,

GOLDY

[dropintomanga]

A Look at “I Sold My Life for 10K Yen Per Year”

We all have kinds of taboo topics that reinforce what’s appropriate to talk about. Religion, money, politics, sex, etc. While these are reasonable topics to avoid addressing in many cases, there’s one taboo topic that really affects everyone. It’s death. In modern urban society, we all avoid any mention of it with good reason. Yet we live our lives to a point where we may feel that death is an appropriate way to escape.

What if you felt that way? What if you realized that life is mostly meaningless and then try to get rid of your future? A manga adaptation of a well-known Japanese novel takes a look at that possibility and how it can lead to an unexpected and profound experience for the better.

This manga, “I Sold My Life for 10,000 Yen Per Year” by Shoichi Taguchi, made me wonder about how much people matter in living a life well lived.

The series, based off a novel called “3 Days of Happiness” by Sugaru Miaki,  is about a 30-year man named Kusunoki, whose life hasn’t turned out the way it expected for him. While he was an ace student in his younger days, Kusunoki has no direction in life. He spends his days living off of part-time work. One day, while selling old books and DVDs to a secondhand shop, the owner of the shop tells Kusunoki about a place that buys your lifespan for a set price depending on how much value your life has accumulated. Kusunoki finds the place, gets a quota and sells off the 30 years of his life for 300,000 yen. He only has 3 months to live. Kusunoki is assigned an observer, a girl by the name of Miyagi, whose job is to chronicle the rest of his existence. The two would find a connection through shared experiences and the story becomes a sad and beautiful story about love in the face of certain death.

Death is scary to talk about and it makes us feel alive. When confronted with their own mortality, people tend to live life differently. They may focus more on helping other people as they want to be remembered well by those that love them. Of course, there’s a flip side where people aware of their death start to become more protective of themselves and lash out at anyone different from them. A big key to this is anxiety without any sense of reflection. The more anxious you are, the less reflective you become. Self-reflection isn’t something that’s taught very well to many people (and arguably a major reason why therapy exists).

Kusunoki starts to develop a sense of self-reflection when it comes to his past relationships. A big theme of this manga is relationships and how easy it is to lose them. 

In the first chapter, there’s a flashback of Kusunoki and a girl he liked named Himeno. Both got along with each other during elementary school as they were smart and disliked by their classmates. They made a promise to get together as a couple after their ‘20s if they couldn’t find a partner by then. One of Kusunoki’s bucket list wishes was to reunite with Himeno, which Miyagi protests. Kusunoki wants to tell Himeno how he feels and goes through a makeover. The two do reunite out of chance, but their reunion turned out to be sour. It’s later revealed that Himeno was planning to kill herself in front of Kusunoki as she wrote him a letter back in high school asking for his help, but he never responded. This ties to how Kusunoki felt about life after school. He never kept in touch with his friends from those days due to him looking down on others.

However, Kusunoki’s connection to Miyagi becomes something more than observer and subject. They both fall in love with each other. Kusunoki wanted someone to acknowledge him even if the person may not always agree with his way of thinking. Miyagi later reveals that she lost a childhood friend like Kusunoki. She empathizes with Kusunoki because of their desire for closure involving their childhood friends. Plus Miyagi loved that Kusunoki made her feel important by dragging her around to do his activities with him.

When people talk about what it means to live, they think about factors involving only the self. Get a high-paying job, getting a nice house, buying a fancy car, etc. There’s no emphasis on helping someone in need, donating money to a good cause, having an enlightening conversation, and/or making someone’s day better. Stuff that involves being around other human beings that feel insecure as much as you do.

Speaking of human beings, Kusunoki’s connection with Miyagi makes him frowned upon by his local community members. That’s because Miyagi is literally invisible to other people. When he talks to her, other people see him as talking to air. They start to think he’s insane and/or delusional. Kusunoki doesn’t care since he’s accepted his circumstances. The fun part is near the end of the series is that his neighbors start to accept Miyagi is there with him. They start to feel more optimistic and happy because they see how happy Kusunoki is. He’s enjoying life more than they are.

It made me think about someone with a serious mental illness and has delusions. They are avoided because no one understands them. More often than not, they’re labeled as dangerous to talk to. But once you’re able to talk to them and not feed too much into their delusions, you start to find how lonely they are. You realize that they’re trying to live their lives as much as you are. You realize they want some kind of connection (there’s a movie about this which covers how the mentally ill may need some kind of community acceptance to manage life). I see this with Kusunoki finally getting love from his neighbors as he deep down wanted some kind of connection that makes his life meaningful after seeing how hollow he became without the lack of emotional support. 

Kusunoki’s desire for meaningful connection can be reflective of how hard it is for adults to make friends/relationships of any kind as they get older. Asking someone to be friends feels “childish” as it doesn’t always lead to external outcomes that mark “success.” I read an article from someone who believes wanting friends in contexts outside of socializing is considered shameful. Kusunoki feels like an all-too-real example of someone who was taught that you can wing it with relationships since materialism will solve all your emotional needs.

The ending to the manga (and the original novel) isn’t exactly a happy one and it teaches some great lessons. Death comes for everyone at some point and all we can do is live life in a way that matters. However, we need acceptance of one another in order to do so. When you see how the relationship between Kusunoki and Miyagi blossomed until the end, it will make you wonder if what we really need in life is someone who’s willing to embrace our emotional vulnerabilities and continue to love us despite them. It may not be the ultimate solution, but it’s an important one to consider as there’s still am alarming amount of people who want to die because no one truly hears them.

If the world realizes how having an accepting person/community can lead to better outcomes, maybe we can go beyond just a few days of happiness into a lifetime of joy. 

[unidentifiedflyingfks]

Methy topic today, it’s Spun! I have a couple personal reasons for liking this movie so much, for one I love Brittany Murphy (8 Mile, King of the Hill) and also a fascination with drug dealer stories.

The viewer is first introduced to Ross, played by Jason Schwartzman, ‘he has a car’ and also an addiction to methanphetamine. Which he makes clear is the only reason he’s there, pulled up in front of a rundown house. Inside he is met by his dealer and head of then household Spider Mike. Spider is a shirtless, paranoid man that prefers to inject his meth and is idolized by neighborhood kids that steal petty items to trade to Spider for meth. Well, maybe just one kid, played by Josh Peck—yeah, he’s very young in this and literally named Fatboy.

Spider’s girlfriend Cookie, played by Mena Suvari, with rotten teeth and constipation, also lives in the house. She is temperamental and apt to boil over at any moment, as evidenced in the first scene when she lockers herself in their room and spray paints ‘loser’ on the wall after a fight. Teenage methhead Frisbee sits on the floor fixated on a repetitive video game. Seemingly the most levelheaded person in the house is Nikki played by my girl Brittany Murphy. She starts small talk with Ross and finds that his girlfriend, no, not girlfriend, sex buddy April also works at the strip club with Nikki. Ross makes sure to clear up that his actual girlfriend is working in the city.

As it turns out, Spider Mike can’t find his stash so Nikki offers Ross a hookup through her boyfriend, an older glam-cowboy cooking meth out of a motel room known only as ‘The Cook’ and played by Mickey Rourke (Rourke and Murphy would work together again three years later on Sin City). The couple takes note of Ross’s car, an apparent commodity, and indebts Ross to him for later use.

The first time he calls Ross is when Nikki’s dog gets sick because of the fumes in the motel room and she needs transportation to the vet. Ross and Nikki bond over this experience, despite The Cook’s on and off aggression towards Ross. Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins makes a cameo as the doctor.

Oh yeah, and the whole time he’s gone he’s left April handcuffed to his bed after a night of kinky sex. In his delirium he tapes her mouth and eyes shut with duct tape, blasts the radio, and leaves her. He returns briefly after the trip to the vet at which time she begs him to untie her and he refuses, retapes her, and tells her he will be back. He doesn’t think about her for days. Luckily she is saved by a suspicious neighbor who hears muffled noises. The leather garbed lesbian neighbor, played by Debbie Harry front woman of Blondie, bursts through the door and frees her, possibly blossoming into a new relationship for April.

Ross is called back to the hotel by The Cook after a fight with Nikki over a prostitute he ordered for them to share. On his orders, Ross takes her to ‘wherever she wants to go.’ While Ross and Nikki cruise around town together, it goes down at Spider Mike’s house. The also meth-fueled police assisted by Frisbee who is wearing a wire raid his home and arrest everyone. Frisbee is shot no lethally in the balls by Spider Mike. At the same time the lab in the motel explodes, with The Cook barely making it out in time. Police are hot on his trail while he attempts to hide in a porn shop. Another rock star, Rob Halford of Judas Priest, makes a cameo as porn store clerk.

When Ross or other characters get their fix throughout the movie frame time speeds up or becomes choppy and sequenced. The characters lose touch with reality and the audience is brought in on their deteachment, but with the reality of the horror that the characters are either unable or unwilling to see. Also ALL the characters in this movie are on meth, except for Ross’s ex girlfriend Amy and a couple minor very characters. That includes the convenience store attendants, one of which is pregnant, Fatboy, and the police officers that interrogate Frisbee—who do lines in their squad car before the raid. This makes Ross’s ex effectively the only voice of reason.

Ross and Nikki get very high, taking multiple hits while driving down the interstate then pour their feeling and delusions out to each other. It’s revealed that Nikki has a son, shocking and ironic since she’s paid so much attention to her little dog, but never mentioned a child. He was taken from her because of her addiction. It’s indicated that Nikki’s mother also has some kind of issue, hinting at a rough life for Nikki with problems either inherited or brought on by trama that has spanned generations. Ross has ruined the relationship with the girl he loves and, as far as he knows, left another girl captive in his room.

They both conclude that they aren’t hooked and could quit at any time.

Ross eventually drops her off at the bus station where she plans to make her way to Vegas. They share a kiss and it seems that in a different life, or place, they could have been together. But, probably never to meet again Ross waves her off then returns to run an errand with The Cook who is already planning to rebuild his lab.

Together the men drive to the city. The Cook doesn’t offer him much of a choice, but Ross does reluctantly agrees to go because it will give him a chance to see Amy, who he still calls his girlfriend. This is when he has the encounter with her, the only sober person in this whole movie, and if there is a heart to this film I imagine this is where it’s meant to lie. Twitchy and greasy haired, Ross meets Amy who walks up like this mythical being in a sleeveless dress. She knows instantly that he’s high, dismisses him as ‘spun’ and leaves. He does not see her again.

Meanwhile The Cook has been with high-falootin’ gay meth dealers who set him up with ingredients to start a new lab. With the new supplies, Ross and The Cook travel again this time into the country. On the way we’re treated to a grim monologue about The Cooks mom killing puppies she couldn’t care for. I realize it’s supposed to be some sad insight into his past and make him more sympathetic or whatever, but I didn’t feel it.

The movie ends as Ross sleeps in the car while The Cook works in a camper. The camper is ignited as he explodes another meth lab, this time reaching his heavily foreshadowed demise.

Pretty dark on paper. Pretty dark on screen too, but it keeps a comical feel through most of the screen time. Cookie struggling to take a poop while Spider jacks off in the other room to a sex phone line, the dog turns green, and an incident involving the tv show Cops to name a few. Crude humor, but it suits the gritty ultrasharp world of the film. In the end, it doesn’t look good for Ross or Nikki or any of the others, but it’s not over like it is for The Cook. It serves as a reminder that at least they didn’t get blown up. Thus leaving hope for these deeply flawed, but sympathetic characters.

Well there it is. Take from it what you want.

Remember that Josh Peck once played a kid named Fatboy who steals VCRs and does meth.

I give it 3.5/5 FFs

[purpledinosaur1988]

Ever been in one of those situations where you put your trust in the wrong person. Yeah me to. I used to be "friends" with this female who turned out to be TOXIC! She caused so many problems in my life to a point where she would use me to lie for her, watch her brat of a child. When I met my husband back in 2014, the toxic female would try her best to break me and him up. It was early days in our relationship and she would always expect me to drop everything including date night plans to help her out of sticky situations. After seeing the effects of how miserable I was being made to feel, my husband eventually got me to walk away from the toxic female and finally be happy. I felt so much better without being associated with her. We never spoke again, would avoid each other in public etc. Fast for to a few months ago, I was waiting on a bus to work, she approached me trying to use my child as a pawn to win back "friendship" by telling me that my son's nan had passed away, saying I was to unblock her as she missed me. Obviously I didn't unblock her from my socials and the next time I saw my son I asked his uncle how his mum (my son's nan) was and that I hadn't seen her in awhile, he answered saying she is still struggling with the whole pandemic but is much better than before. That cleared that up. The toxic female told me a malicious lie. I mean has she no better things to be getting on with than trying to get me to fall for her BS 🐂💩 again.

My life has improved massively over the years I have been with my husband, we met in 2014, engaged in 2015 & married in 2016. I don't have a big circle of friends and I am okay with that as I would rather surround myself with those who are positive influences to me. Those friends hold a special place in my heart ♥️ I have my 2 best friends who I have been friends with since high school so they are more like Sisters to me.

If anyone feels there are red flags in your life with certain people. Please don't ignore them as you deserve to be happy.

Signs to look out for

1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.

2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.

3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.

4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.

5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.

6. Lies and excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.

7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.

8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.

9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.

10. You find yourself playing detective. It is never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you are scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You are seeking answers to a feeling you cannot quite explain.

11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.

12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I have never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.

13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they’re the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They will not care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.

14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.

15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.

16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner’s version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.

17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.

18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they’re two hours late, do not forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.

19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.

20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.

21. Sometimes it seems as though they’ve forgotten who they’re supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It is always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just does not seem to add up.

22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.

23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you are self-conscious about your looks, they will call you the sexiest person in the world. If you have got a need to entertain, they will say you’re the funniest person they have ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.

24. Frequently comments about what you are wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror.

25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest in you.

26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind, and cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.

27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.

28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.

29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.

30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

We can find that normal and loving people do not raise any of these flags. After a negative encounter, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Our gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. We all wonder if we have gone absolutely mad for wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but also feeling sick to the stomach when actually spending time with them.

It is important to develop our intuition, but that is a personal process. The world is mostly full of good people, and we suffer a double punishment if we miss them due to the fear of being hurt again.

People need to set aside some time to get in touch with their feelings, and become comfortable with a balance of awareness and trust. The reflection offers understanding about our emotions. It helps provide understanding for which old relationships need to be refreshed, and which toxic patterns need to be abandoned and replaced by healthier ones.

Society conditions us to ask “does this person like me” instead of exercising critical thinking and asking “do I like this person?”

[sunny-hopewell]

#2 - Helena Stinchcomb

posted by sunny hopewell on sept. 12th, 20XX

DISCLAIMER: Please note that, just by reading this, you may succumb to the very phenomenon described here. My hope is that the next people or intelligent life who read this are either themselves resilient to it, or that enough time has passed that the sheer weight of this knowledge no longer causes such a heavy impact on the reader.

This is an attempt to record the phenomenon, once referred to colloquially as “ghosting,” that has resulted in a mass decrease in the Earth’s human population. More specifically, the latest estimate (prior to the disappearance of professionals who had counted) was that only 0.002% of human life remains.

In this series of accounts, I document interviews with remaining survivors of this phenomenon. For more details on the nature of the phenomenon itself, please click here. Otherwise or afterwards, read on at your own risk.

I encountered a woman by the name of Helena Stinchcomb when I saw the fourth floor of a large office building entirely lit up. Thinking perhaps it may have been an outpost containing multiple survivors, both my mission and my curiosity led me to that floor.

I rang the fully-functional doorbell at the back entrance of the first floor. I would consider breaking in only if I received no response, but just shy of a minute later, the very articulate voice of a young woman spoke, asking how she may help me. I explained that I was hoping to ask some questions relating to her take on recent events, but expressed that I understood if she declined to speak— multiple people had already done so for me at this point. You would understand my pleasant surprise when I heard the door bolt unlock, and I was invited in. The woman told me to come on in, explaining she would need to allow me to the fourth floor with her own badge, so she would meet me just inside shortly.

The office lobby seemed unremarkable, aside from its emptiness. The lights seemed to come on as soon as I walked in— likely on a motion-sensor.

It wasn’t long before a young, dark-haired lady emerged from a door that seemed to conceal a concrete staircase. She smiled at me as though I was a visitor to her office, urging me in with an energy that was both friendly and professional. She wore a dark, pin-stripe pantsuit, and her thin, black wireframe glasses only added to her aesthetic.

She showed me upstairs, thanking me for my patience. She explained she was in a meeting until just a few minutes ago, and that the speaker system that allowed me to speak with her outside was across the office. Of course, I asked her how many people were stationed on that floor. To my own disbelief, she estimated nearly 30 folks were in-office that day. 

At this time, we entered the fourth floor’s reception area, which appeared entirely empty. She waved to the empty reception desk on her left briefly, not ceasing her conversation with me about the work they did there. She explained that she worked for a newer kind of advertising firm— when in the 2020’s, social media and technology users realized the extent to which their information was being used without their consent, such firms opened up, acting as a middleman between web users and advertisers who wanted their attention. In essence, she explained, users would come to these firms seeking to sell their web usage data to these advertisers, and the firms would act as representatives for these individuals to advertisers, who they often partnered with for competitive pricing. 

As she finished explaining this, we entered her office. She asked me to wait just a moment while she typed away— a quick message, she said, to one of her part-time work-study students, asking if she could bring the two of us some bottled water and cookies. As she finally closed her laptop, she thanked me once again for my patience and gave me her full attention. The transcript of our interview is as follows:

SH: So, tell me about yourself. What’s your name?

HS: My name is Helena Stinchcomb. I serve in senior leadership here at The People’s Information firm.

SH: It’s very nice to meet you. How has the Ghosting Phenomenon impacted you?

HS: Do you mean personally, or professionally?

SH: Oh, uh— both, provided you’re up to speaking to them.

HS: Sure, I’ll start with personally, since that’s less complex. A few people close to my circles apparently ghosted, but I’ve yet to have anyone in my innermost circles ghost, themselves.

SH: That’s fantastically fortunate, given the numbers.

HS: [laughs] Yeah, I guess you could say that. It’s hard to trust the numbers anymore, though.

SH: How do these people in your circles spend their time?

HS: [hesitating] I— you know, I’ve been so absorbed in my work lately, I really should reach out to them and ask instead of answering that at this time.

SH: Sure thing, thank you for that. Let’s talk about work, then. How has the Ghosting Phenomenon impacted workflow?

HS: Honestly, it’s mostly the same. Lots of people are hiding out in their homes, and are trying to work less at times like this. This, as you can imagine, drives their web usage way up. We’ve since fortified our model for online communications with clients so they never have to meet us in-person. This is the perfect recipe for helping them earn some money just by using the internet.

SH: Have you, personally, been able to reap any benefits as a result of your strong model’s success?

HS: Well, I’m in the process of giving everyone else in this office a sizable raise to recognize our efforts.

SH: That’s fantastic. You must be very proud of your team.

HS: Thank you, I am.

SH: How many folks did you say are in-office, today?

HS: Hmm, I’d say probably just under 30.

SH: All holed up in their office, I take it?

HS: Some of them are a little concerned with ghosting and are isolating there, yes, but not all of them.

SH: What of the others? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else here yet, today.

HS: [briefly hesitating] I haven’t seen many, but our receptionist Patricia waved to us just in the door. You must have just missed her.

SH: Ah, I see— my mistake. Maybe I’ll catch her once we’ve finished up here and apologize for that.

HS: I think you’d love her— she’s always smiling. Very sweet woman.

SH: So, enough about business— what do you do when you’re not working?

HS: [laughs] Sleeping? We keep pretty busy here, so I work long days, six days a week.

SH: So you just hang loose on your one day off?

HS: Typically, yes. I have three little ones at home— Jack is six, Joseph is seven, and Elena is twelve. They keep me busy in other ways. I’m thankful to my partner for sticking around at home to watch them.

SH: A stay at home parent, then?

HS: Yes, and I’m grateful that she is so willing and capable.

SH: I’m sure she’s lucky to have you, too.

HS: Thank you. [smiles] I like to think so.

SH: If I may ask— [I was cut off by the sudden manifestation of bottled water and small bags of chips on the desk between me and Helena]

HS: [looking at an empty space adjacent to her desk] Ah, thank you, Patricia! Sunny, I’d like for you to meet our receptionist.

SH: [Greeting the empty space] Hello, it’s so nice to meet you. Sorry I missed your hello, earlier.

HS: [After a momentary silence in the room, smiles and chuckles] That’s excellent, Patricia. Thanks so much for bringing this by!

(As if some invisible entity had left the room, Helena’s attention returned to the interview.)

HS: Sorry, what were you saying?

SH: No worries. I was going to ask if you could speak on your perspective of the Ghosting Phenomenon more specifically.

HS: [letting out a deep sigh] I think local leadership has been excellent, given the circumstances of it all. I know it’s still a touchy topic for some people, but I’m still certain that there have been massive exaggerations about the impact of the Ghost Phenomenon on society. Am I saying it’s fake? No. I’m saying it was being used as a ham-fisted tool for social control.

SH: I see... Yes, I can see that causing a mass panic surrounding the phenomenon is usable as a strategic power-move.

HS: I’m so glad you agree. I feel like people are going crazy over a phenomenon that has long since passed.

SH: When was the last time you heard news of a ghosting?

HS: [pausing to think] It’s been a pretty long time… Probably nearing two years, now?

SH: Two years…

HS: I could be a little bit off, but probably by no more than a couple of months. It came and went like that. [snaps her finger]

SH: Ah, I see. Well, before I wrap this interview up, is there anything else you’d like to say to my readers?

HS: Don’t believe everything you hear. Trusting people can be too easy. It takes discipline to distinguish delusion from reality.

SH: Thank you so much. Readers out there, be sure to check out The People’s Information Firm if you’d like to make a little extra cash by just browsing the web.

At the conclusion of this interview, Patricia and I exchanged a few formalities before she showed me back down to the door at my request.

Just to make things absolutely clear: There was not a soul in Helena’s office space apart from the two of us. She spoke to thin air when a Ghost had evidently brought us those snacks— likely in response to the message she had sent out earlier. As stated in my previous post, the general work completed by ghosted individuals in their pre-phenomenon lives remained mostly unchanged. I recall reading about bosses who would send emails to their ghosted employees with assignments, only for the assignments to be completed somewhat quickly. These bosses would scarcely receive reply, but if they ever did, it was in the form of an incoherent, word-vomit sort of email, much like many of the messages you might see online today.

Helena seems to have survived this phenomenon by deluding herself into believing all of these people never vanished. Although nothing could be farther from the truth, I couldn’t bring myself to try and question that reality of hers during our interview. Should I have succeeded in casting doubt on the coping mechanism she had developed, she would have likely ghosted shortly thereafter. My hope is that she continues to live happily as such, blissfully unaware of the empty society in which she lives.

‘Til next time,

- sunny hopewell 

----

tags: #ghosting #hope #humanity #nonfiction #bliss #lifegoeson

[piprocrastinator]

You said that Joong is innocent/fresh when it comes to dating and that’s true but I do think that he maybe wants to step further now? He has to « discover relationships » at some point and maybe he’ll start with Nine. And even if they step further, that wouldn’t be a relationship that they would jump straight into since they know each other for 1 year. Maybe it’s my delulu feelings that are talking now and, to be honest, I do think that every of the factors you gave make the things difficult.

I think this will answer the other questions as well instead of answering them individually. I hope that’s ok.

If I’m being honest... I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship or I don’t think he’s ready to take the step further. (though I wish they would.) As you mentioned in your other messages Joong and Nine have a sort of separation anxiety and I think that because of proximity and the amount of touching that they comfortably do with each other that it can happen. 

I read a study in my college psych class (and I can’t seem to find it to link it) but the general gist of the study was on how people develop feelings over a certain period of time depending on the amount of contact they had with their significant other. Basically, the more you hug and touch someone the closer you get to the person because of the hormones. Oxytocin -sometimes seen as the cuddle hormone or the love hormone- is released when we hug and stuff and that connects two people. It’s an essential hormone for bonding. Now if these two people were, let's say spending mass amounts of time together, sleeping next to each other and sharing each other clothes, the amount of hormones shared between them becomes greater.

Which is why their 1-2 week separation over new years was soooo hard for them. Such a sudden cut off of the hormones and the stability of having someone else there all the time. Such a struggle. 

Anon, you mentioned kate in one of your messages and how she has recognized the difference between them and, let's say other couples, and I hypothesis, and this is crazy delusion talk, maybe its a soul mate thing. And I’ll get back to my other topic but I want to quickly jump into this tangent. Many people working with them, such as Kate or Toey have mentioned that they click and there is something about them. Soul Mates. I believe soul mates are real but not in the “oh my gosh we are perfect for each other” but in the “we just click and everything feels right”. Which leads to, the boyfriend energy. 

They radiate boyfriend energy because they clicked because they are soul mates! Because they clicked they want to spend time together and because they spend time together they release more hormones and bond!!! (I feel like that dude with the strings)

But uhhhh.... back to my main point Joong doesn’t seem ready to change the relationship yet. I think he enjoys showing the possibility or the concept. I think Nine is ready though. The main reason! the main reason that I think Joong is not yet ready is that he doesn’t admit his feelings as easily as nine does!

I mean he could just like to keep those things to himself and that’s fine. But I think there is that foaming jealous inside him and the consuming knowledge that he likes Nine and Nine likes him and he knows that the fans LOVE when he Khing or shows off close status to Nine and I think that might be why he does some of the things he does. Like in the live awhile back where he opened Nine phone with his thumbprint just because or recently when he was using Nine phone to post on Nine Instagram. It’s either hardcore boyfreind showing off or it’s Joong doing it because he knows the fans like it.

I think though he is teetering on that line between friendship and love.

Now that being said it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if they like to kiss each other good night and stuff and Joong thought “It’s just a bro thing” and Nine is just their face-palming because Joong doesn't get it. (... I can be delusion too)

[rileyrooin]

R&L Live: Detroit

This jumps around and I discussed the show a bit more than in other recaps because there are moments from it that I want to remember. I recognize that I am incredibly fortunate to be able to attend shows and afford VIP tickets. If you aren't interested in reading, or if you want to send me nasty messages about this, I encourage you to just scroll on by instead. As always, please do not repost my pictures without permission.

I attended this show with Mr. Rooin, and two of my friends, R (my BFF) and B. R and B (heh) are both GMM fans. It would be the first time either of them has seen the guys live.

The Show

Britton opened the show. The crowd in Detroit loved him and he really fed off its energy. During the merch song, he started giggling mid-song because we were all laughing about the lyrics; his giggles made the crowd laugh more and he had to stop playing for a minute to compose himself. It was very cute. I cannot wait for him to put out an album. There are several of his songs that have been stuck in my head since the show.

After a brief intermission, Rhett and Link came out on stage. I expected to have a good view since our seats were in the front row, but I guess I didn’t really think about just how close they would both be to me (but especially Rhett). But, suddenly, there he was right in front of me.

As they settled in to begin the show, Rhett scanned the crowd, taking it all in. His eyes briefly met mine when he did so, but he continued to scan and then, unexpectedly, his attention came back to my face. My poor heart just about leaped out of my chest when he shot a small smile at me. I thought I must be imagining it, but once he broke eye contact, R elbowed me and whispered, “Did Rhett just recognize you?” I shrugged and tried to concentrate on their opening banter about the meaning of the name Detroit.

I'm going to share some highlights because no one needs a play-by-play of every moment of the concert:

Tokyo came early that night. Of course, even after Rhett told the crowd that he would do it one time only, there were people who thought they would be cute and continue to shout it and other garbled nonsense (including someone pretending to be CCR). This led to sassy, sarcastic Link making fun of people shouting stuff. Rhett got a bit grumpy at one point and gave the crowd a stern dad expression. I didn't capture either of these moments on camera, but they were hilariously in character.

The setlist was basically the same as the Columbus show, but with fewer songs. We didn't get “Water Dispensing Tab” or any of the other songs they've been subbing in for it in other shows. I feel like something else was removed, but I'm not sure what. I love all of their new songs. I wish they'd release them so people who can't attend the shows could hear them, as well.

At the venue, on either side of the stage, stand two huge knights set into niches in the wall. One of the running themes of that night's banter was Rhett wanting the knights to come to life. He had an elaborate ritual he wanted the room to perform to bring the knights to life that included hissing like a cat, other strange noises, and some voguing. When that didn't work, they moved on, but came back to the topic several times throughout the show. My favorite one was before “Middle School Girlfriend.” Rhett suggested that perhaps if Link played all three of his recorders at once, the knights would come to life. Much like the escaping a simulation handholding from Ear Biscuits, Link was game to give it a try. So, Rhett offered to hold his third recorder for him. The moment was funny, but I was focused on the extreme softness in Rhett’s eyes as he helped Link. The photos don’t begin to do it justice.

After the recorders failed to bring the knights to life, Link tried to steer the conversation back to “Middle School Girlfriend” banter by saying, “This is not unlike what my first kiss looked like.” Rhett was seemingly disinterested in returning to his stool/mic, so he leaned forward to speak into Link’s. Link pushed him away and said, “Get… Get your face outta my mic!”

Throughout the entire show, I kept having to tell myself to stop staring at him. My attempts at having some level of chill were continuously destroyed by Mr. I'm Going to Make Eye Contact Unexpectedly throughout the concert. It sounds foolish, but even though I was in a venue with so many other people, there were moments where watching him play the piano and guitar from that close felt incredibly intimate. But, maybe that's just my crush talking.

The rap section of the show was highly entertaining yet again. Their enthusiasm and excitement during it is so much fun to watch.

During “It's My Belly Button,” he was so close: that cute belly on display right in front of me as he dad danced his heart out.

During one chorus, when he got to the “something I want to show to you" line, he pointed at me. R grabbed my arm and hissed, “Dude, he fucking loves you.” (n.b. This all sounds like wishful thinking from a ridiculous fangirl, but I swear it's true. I harbor no delusions that there was some secret message in his actions. I know it meant nothing; he was simply playing up the moment for a reaction. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the attention, though.)

Meet and Greet

After the show, we were quickly ushered into a long line that wrapped down the side and around the back of the theater. I used the opportunity to run to the bathroom to freshen up the best I could. My group and I hung out in the line while I proceeded to try to calm my anxiety about talking to them again. One of the things that helped me with this was the soothing sound of Rhett's laughter echoing in the large space. Another thing that helped was watching how amazing they are with all of the fans they meet. From kneeling down to meet children to really focusing their attention on each person they chatted with, it's clear that every interaction is important to them. I know I've said it before, but we love some seriously great guys, y'all.

Prior to the show, I’d talked to Mr. Rooin about how I really wanted to have a nice picture of me hugging Rhett. Ever the patient and understanding one, he offered to hang back while R and I talked to the guys so he could attempt to get that picture on his phone (since Gary would have mine). (Spoiler: he got the picture and it might be my current phone lock screen.)

The line moved quickly (the meet and greet time goes by so fast), so it wasn’t long until it was our turn. R went ahead of me and introduced herself to Link, shaking his hand as she did so. As R moved on to shake Rhett's hand, Link's attention shifted to me over her shoulder. I smiled at him, once again blown away by how blue and intense his eyes are in person. I opened my mouth to introduce myself, but before I could, he welcomed me into a hug and said, “Good to see you again.” He patted my back like the last time, but held the hug for a couple seconds. “How've you been?”

“Good. Better now, though,” I answered as we broke apart. He grinned at me and I felt my heart melt a little bit. And then I turned to my left and into the open arms of the bearded one. He patted my back twice and I squeezed him tightly. He held the hug for a moment, holding me against him, and I probably clung onto the hug for a few seconds longer than I should have. I couldn’t help it; his hugs feel so damn good.

As I stepped back, I realized Link was talking to me again. “It's been awhile.”

“Well, only since April.” In my mind, I was thinking: Why am I getting sassy with Link?

Rhett said something in reply that made my whole face flush and caused my brain to shut down. I looked to Link for rescue. He simply laughed at my reaction, so I laughed with him while my mind was chanting wtf wtf wtf.

Then, Rhett said, “Okay, step up here for the picture. Where do you two want to be?” R, who is the extrovert between us, had fallen totally speechless in their presence. She's a Link girl, so even though logistically she should have been on Rhett's side based on where she was standing when he asked the question, I slid between them so she would be next to Link. (And, yes, so I could be next to Rhett.) As I put my arm around Rhett's waist, I glanced up at him and he was smirking away. I'm sure my crush is terribly obvious to him, but… meh, what are you gonna do? Gary took the picture while I tried to take in the moment and how it felt to have his body pressed so close to mine with his hand on my shoulder. After that R did a solo picture with the guys. She finally found her voice to ask for hugs before she left and they obliged.

I did an individual photo with them and then, my meet and greet time was nearly done. I handed Rhett the letter I'd written them and stammered out an explanation about how I hoped they would read it later. He smiled kindly and then passed it back to me to give to Jenna. I hung around watching while B and Mr. Rooin met them. Finally, we got our posters/bags from Jenna, Lily, and Lincoln. I talked to Britton for a minute before we made our way out and took a picture with him this time. I almost made it out of the theater before I teared up. Almost.

I feel very fortunate and grateful that their shows have been in locations close to me. Years ago, when I discovered these two and became a fan, I never expected that I would have the opportunity to meet them once, let alone three times. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be someone they would recognize on sight. I heard them say similar things to other fans who they'd met before. It's comforting to know that even though there are millions of fans out there, they see us.

[artificialqueens]

you and i– we’re defying gravity ch. 3 (scyvie) - amelieee

a/n:

wow, i’ve been consistently hitting my deadlines, what a shocker! here’s another chapter for this godforsaken fic. thank you to those who’s been supporting me (i’m looking at you, scyvie discord) and my friend althea for betaing this! 

also, this is very branjie centric, but i promise this’ll be the only chapter that focuses on the more than yvie and scarlet. if you know wicked, you know what will happen to them anyways.

follow me @and-oddly-enough and reblogs + likes are appreciated!

word count: 10.5k

Last chapter: Yvie and Scarlet get used to each other being roommates, Yvie finds out Vanjie is studying at the same place, and something bad is happening at Oz.

This chapter: Scarlet and Yvie team up to hook both Brooke and Vanjie together, Scarlet hosts a dance party, and Yvie realizes something really important.

In the middle of class—for the hundredth time, Scarlet nudges Yvie’s elbow subtly. Yvie was so close to let out a growl of annoyance at Scarlet but manages to hold it back when she realizes that she still was in the middle of Professor Hides’ boring literature class. Though Professor Hides was old and bordering on deaf and blind, Yvie knows that when she lets out a growl, there’d be lots of reactions, and their professor might finally notice them. 

  Getting back to Scarlet, Yvie mouths a ‘no’ at Scarlet, hoping she wouldn’t bother her anymore. Apparently, she thought this was the best time to pass notes in class. Not to Yvie but to Ra’jah who was literally sitting at the opposite end of the room. The reason she kept bothering Yvie was that Yvie can subtly pass the note to Ra’jah through her telekinesis so their professor wouldn’t notice. Even if she was blind, they were close enough to the front; which makes passing notes pretty risky.

  “Come on, just do it, pretty please?” Scarlet whispers softly, giving a little pout. “Y’know I won’t stop bugging you anyways,” Scarlet adds and Yvie wants to sigh. Instead, she just rolls her eyes and nods. With a wave of her finger, the note flew across the room silently to Ra’jah. Even if most of their classmates saw it, Yvie knows that they’d be too faithful to Scarlet to ever snitch on her. After Yvie passes it, she watches Ra’jah patiently, waiting for her to finish her reply so Yvie can send back the note to Scarlet.

  Yvie doesn’t even know what’s so important that will prompt the couple to pass notes in class. To Yvie, it was immensely childish, and she knew Scarlet and Ra’jah were much better than that. Then again, Yvie caught a glimpse of that note a while ago. It was quick since she knew Scarlet was watching, but she definitely saw the words ‘Vanjie’ and ‘Brooke’ written on the paper. At the moment, they were sharing a class with them as well, but the two of them were seated next to each other  at the corner of the classroom. Sometimes, Yvie would see Scarlet be distracted by how flirty the other two are being. Yvie doesn’t blame her, though. She’d occasionally look back as well since they’ve been quite bothersome yet adorable at the same time.

  It’s actually been a month since they first started interacting. Yvie noticed how close they’ve been judging by how lonely Yvie was for the past month. Every other day, Brooke and Vanjie would ditch Yvie and Scarlet to have their own thing, and even if they were undeniably cute, Yvie felt glum that she was all alone at her own table. Yvie was still obviously happy for Brooke, of course; it would be petty to hog Brooke for herself only. Even so, it did remind Yvie how friendless she was. The only friends she deemed as ‘friends’ besides her sister and Vanjie were Ra’jah, Shuga, and Scarlet. Over the month, they grew more comfortable with her, and Yvie in return found them interesting and enjoyable as well. Scarlet was the only exception to that since she still showcases her distaste in Yvie occasionally. Well, at least the insults weren’t a daily thing. To Yvie, that was already a sign of progress on their relationship.

  Because despite the jabs and sarcastic remarks, Yvie did enjoy Scarlet’s company a bit more nowadays. Her delusions were entertaining and even if they don’t want to admit it, their humor was so similar. What she thought was a horrible situation slowly became bearable.

  “Hey, rat bastard, pass the note back,” Scarlet whispers harshly, her eyes pointing at Ra’jah. Yvie gives her a scowl. She did mention it was bearable but their relationship wasn’t the best, obviously.

  “Why do you have to drag rats into this?” Yvie whispers back as she waves her finger in the air without even looking at Ra’jah. That one month of sorcery lessons from Madame Visage does have good use, at least. The note lands gracefully on Scarlet’s table as Scarlet merely rolls her eyes at Yvie. Scarlet begins unfolding the note and once she reads Ra’jah’s reply, she immediately perks up, her lips widening into a bright smile. This definitely made Yvie curious but she wholeheartedly did not want to get caught by Professor Hides.

  Thankfully, Scarlet didn’t send back another note in the last thirty minutes they had class. But once class ended, surprisingly, Scarlet grabbed Yvie directly and dragged her, Ra’jah, Shuga, and Vanjie out of the classroom before Yvie even registered what was going on. Yvie didn’t even know why she was so thrown off by Scarlet grabbing her hand— maybe it was the suddenness of it all. Either way, Yvie only processed what was happening halfway through their trip to somewhere and began protesting against whatever Scarlet had in mind.

  “The fuck is going on, Scarlet?” Yvie asks as she shakes Scarlet’s hand off. Yvie realizes her cheeks are slightly red. Maybe it was from exhaustion? 

  “Hey, we were going to head to the same place anyways so stop complaining,”

  “No, as in, what must be so important that you decided to literally drag Ra’jah, Vanjie, and I out of class in such a rush?”

  “Yea, maybe ask next time?” Vanjie adds, clearly infuriated she didn’t get to walk Brooke to her class.

  “I literally dragged you out to talk to you about my plan of hooking you and Brooke together but go off, I guess.” Scarlet says with a smirk as she begins climbing the stairs. After that, Vanjie immediately sputters, startled by what Scarlet said. Ra’jah laughs a bit, already knowing of the plan, but Yvie and Shuga were simply curious at to what shit Scarlet has came up with.

  “I–I can–uh, I can do that fine by myself, you hoe,” Vanjie replies but her voice was shaky and uncertain. Yvie snorts at how pathetic she was.

  “Oh honey, don’t lie to us, you stupid lesbian,” Shuga says and it makes everyone laugh loudly except for Vanjie. Vanjie musters up a fake chuckle but she still sounded infuriated. “Aw, Vanjie, sweetie, I’m joking,” Shuga adds and Vanjie pouts at her.

  “You guys don’t know how hard it is!” Vanjie exclaims and everyone stares at her in disbelief.

  “You’ve known Brooke for like, fifteen years, but go off I guess,” Yvie says and Vanjie flushes. Shuga mutters ‘stupid lesbian’ again and it brings out a soft laugh from everyone. 

  “Hey! This is bullying, I’m leaving,” Vanjie says, stopping her steps mid-step. Scarlet was quickly alarmed and grasped Vanjie’s hand before she could bail. Scarlet really seemed persistent and she undoubtedly trusted her plan wholeheartedly.

  “No! Don’t— don’t leave, I promise this will 100% work,” Scarlet says and Vanjie quirks up an eyebrow.

  “How d’ya know? Firstly, you almost failed at maths, and secondly you’re delusional as fuck.”

  “And who has a girlfriend between the two of us?” 

  Vanjie stayed silent for a second until she sighed and said, “I fucking hate you,”. Ra’jah and Shuga laugh in amusement as they proceed to walk another level up. Yvie silently trails behind, oddly feeling slightly off even if she didn’t understand why. She really must be catching some sort of fever, or maybe she was immensely overworked. Either way, she needed to give herself some time to rest.

  Eventually, they all make it to Scarlet’s suite. Like always, it smelled like fresh roses and was always neat and tidy just because Scarlet loved it that way. Yvie was suspicious of her eagerness to be tidy but after a couple of days, Yvie praised it a lot. After all, Yvie was not the… cleanest of people. Her room back in Munchkinland was a dumpster fire wherein everything she had was just tossed around the room.

  “God, I wish I lived here,” Shuga stated, “It’s like heaven in this room. Meanwhile, Tammie and I have been fuckin’ around in our small-ass room. Nothing’s tidy,” Shuga adds as she sits down on Scarlet’s bed primly. Scarlet and Ra’jah join her while Vanjie tackles Yvie’s bed, faceplanting herself unto the bedsheets. Yvie takes off her heels as well and joins Vanjie, lying back down into her bed in relief.

  “And our room is much worse than that, right Vanj?” Ra’jah says and Vanjie only replies by raising a thumbs up in the air which prompts a few people to laugh.

  “Why, thank you, I work pretty hard on this since my asshole of a roommate doesn’t understand the concept of organizing,” Scarlet says shoots Yvie a judgmental glare. Yvie raises the bird in reply, too exhausted to reply some kind of witty insult back. “Anyways, back to the main topic at hand. I think I have a foolproof plan to get Vanjie and Brooke together. Or actually, this is more of a plan for their first date since I know Vanjie isn’t good with planning dates,”

  “Hey, that was with Aquaria and that was one time–”

  Scarlet abruptly continues her spiel, “I will reserve the Ozdust Ballroom for this–I have all the money in the world to do so–and we’re gonna hold a dance party for Vanjie and Brooke.” Scarlet explains excitedly but no one seemed to reciprocate the same anticipation as her. They all seemed a bit perplexed– even  Vanjie sat up from her position to look at Scarlet with concern.

  “Scarlet, I love you, but you are a fucking dumbass,” Vanjie says, disgruntled.

  Scarlet, with an offended expression, replies back, “Thanks, really appreciate you saying that for the hundredth time,” She leans back against the headboard with crossed arms.

  “I dunno about you but last time I checked, Brooke’s legs were still tangled,” Vanjie retorts sarcastically, “I don’t think she’ll have a great time in a dance party when she can’t actually, y’know, dance,” Vanjie adds and Yvie actually ponders about it for a moment.

  Out of all the people in the room, there was no one who knew Brooke more than Yvie. Vanjie comes to a close second but Yvie was literally there since Brooke was born. With that, Vanjie was undeniably wrong. Brooke, despite disabled, was determined to teach herself any kind of dance she can learn. With enough perseverance and hard work, she actually mastered different kinds of techniques and skills thanks to the help one of their teachers in highschool, Miss Sahara Davenport. But then there was some point that Brooke stopped seeing her. If Yvie recalls correctly, there were rumors that Miss Davenport died of some illness; hence why Brooke had no more classes for dance. However, Brooke came through it all and continued her legacy by independently teaching herself how to dance. After a few books, self-teaching, and help from their neighbour named Alyssa who would teach Brooke occasionally, Brooke became the best dancer Yvie’s ever witnessed.

  Vanjie most likely didn’t know of this all because Brooke was a secluded and reluctant person. Like Yvie, she had her own insecurities, but Brooke had a different approach of handling it. While Yvie liked address her issues more out loud, Brooke was more quiet, keeping all her problems to herself. Yvie only managed to know about Brooke’s dancing when Brooke accidentally fell out of her wheelchair in her room and couldn’t get back up. Yvie had to help her get back on while Brooke panickedly explained the situation truthfully. Brooke could never lie under stress.

  “Brooke can dance,” Yvie mentions and everyone turns to her, eyeing her weirdly. “What? Brooke knows how to dance. Not on her feet but on her wheelchair, of course.” Yvie adds, still keeping a serious tone. She needed to make sure the others didn’t think whatever she said was some sort of joke.

  “Bitch, how?” Vanjie asks, still in a state of uncertainty. 

  “She got private lessons from Miss Davenport, remember her?”

  “Miss Davenport cannot dance,” Vanjie replies and it took a second for Yvie to understand who she was referring to.

  “That’s Miss A’keria, you fuck. And she can dance… only if it involved her ass shaking, that is,” Yvie says, “But I’m referring to Miss Sahara. She taught phys-ed and dance. She tutored Brooke some time ago,” Yvie adds and the group all seemed intrigued by this newfound information. Scarlet most definitely was pleased by hearing this, evident by how wide her grin was when she heard that Brooke could dance.

  “Perfect! That’s perfect,” Scarlet says, “A dance party would be perfect for Brooke, she will absolutely enjoy it. I mean, you need to ask her out first, of course, but how bad can that be?” Scarlet says and Vanjie’s eyebrows were knitted in terror. 

  “I mean…” Vanjie starts, still very nervous as she fiddles with her hair, “How did you and Ra’jah get together?” Vanjie asks, prompting Scarlet and Ra’jah to stare each other before smirking. But before any of them could reply, Shuga jumps in.

  “It was bad,” Shuga mentions and receives a snarl of protest from Scarlet, “Scarlet would always say they were just upfront about their feelings, but, the truth is there was a lot of denial involved,” Shuga says and the couple immediately looks alarmed.

  “It always runs with lesbianism.” Yvie comments.

  “Always, girl,” Shuga replies, “It finally ended when Ra’jah threw a bouquet of roses at Scarlet’s window and shouted her confession.” Shuga adds and Vanjie and Yvie laugh at its ridiculousness. Scarlet solely looks unimpressed, seeming like she wants to repress that memory.

  “So what, do I just throw some flowers at Brooke and hope for the best?”

  “Your choice girl. I did it and my girl is still here,” Ra’jah says. Scarlet, looking enamored, smiles at her and blows her a kiss. After, she turns back to Vanjie to relay her the plan again.

  “Again, I’ll hold a party. I’ll announce it to everyone until Brooke hears of it. Then, you go up to her, ask her out, whether it’d be through confessing truthfully or throwing flowers, then invite her to the dance party. I assure you that everything will be wonderful after that.” Scarlet says and Vanjie nods slowly, still hesitant that she’s agreeing to Scarlet’s plan. To Yvie, it wasn’t actually a particularly bad plan. In fact, she thought it was simple yet doable, but the problem is that lesbians could never, ever function during confessions.

  “Maybe we can do that tomorrow to get things done? The quicker, the better, since you two have been pining for more than a decade,” Scarlet suggests and everyone besides Vanjie hum in agreement. Yvie nudges Vanjie but her reluctance doesn’t really decrease from it.

  “If you don’t wanna do it, I won’t force you, of course,” Scarlet says and this is probably the most caring Scarlet has ever been. Vanjie looks up, inhales sharply, then raises a hand.

  “No—no, I’m gonna fucking do it,” Vanjie says with a determined tone, causing everyone to cheer for her loudly, “Tomorrow, I’ll walk up to her at lunch and I’m not gonna pussy out.”

  “I’ll be there so if you do mess up, I’m just gonna tell Brooke that you have a crush on her,” Yvie says and Vanjie scrunches up her nose.

  “No! No, that wouldn’t be romantic. I want it to be like, really romantic. Or cute. I don’t want you yelling at us for it to happen,” 

  “Are you saying I’m not a romantic or cute person? I am offended,” Yvie says and places a dramatic hand on her chest.

  “Oh fuck off, Oddly,” Vanjie replies, “I’ll do it perfectly, don’t worry about it,” Vanjie says confidently yet Yvie still doesn’t have faith on that. In some way or another, she will definitely fuck it up, Yvie bets on it.

  “It’s settled then!” Scarlet speaks up again, clasping her hands together joyfully, “I’ll reserve Ozdust right now before anyone else does. No backing out now, Vanj,” Scarlet says as she hops off her bed gracefully, smoothing out her skirt. Since it is expected for Ra’jah to always accompany Scarlet, she also hops off as she winks suggestively at Vanjie.

  “Good luck, Vanj, I’ll be seeing you,” Ra’jah says as Scarlet grabs her hand before they exit. Scarlet waves a simple goodbye before heading off to the Ozdust Ballroom, leaving Shuga, Yvie, and Vanjie alone in the suite. Shuga takes this opportunity to lay on Scarlet’s bed; she looks like she’s been wanting to do that since they entered the room. Yvie chuckles at her, relating to her exhaustion.

  “God, where am I gonna get a girlfriend like that. Or a boyfriend, I’m cool with any, if anyone wants to hook me up with someone,” Shuga states and Yvie relates to that as well. For close to two decades, Yvie has barely had any friends, let alone someone who’s romantically inclined to her. There were definitely plenty of women who sets Yvie’s gay heart off, but with the face she has, Yvie doubts she’d ever end up with anyone.

  “Same,” Yvie says, “If any of you know someone who’s attracted to people with no pupils, let me know. So far, everyone’s just been screaming every time they see my face,” Yvie jokes and it brings a laugh out of Shuga and Vanjie. “You know, you’re really lucky, Vanj. Brooke’s been telling me how much she likes you since… uhm… it’s been a very long time, I mean.” 

  Vanjie’s eyes widen, “Really?” she says, flustering a bit.

  “Yep, I found out around eighth grade when Brooke accidentally said that you were hot in front of me. She immediately reddened and tried to shut me out after I started asking lots of questions,” Yvie says with a fond smile and Vanjie looked very intrigued after hearing that.

  “Wow, that’s a very… long time.” Vanjie says.

  Shuga coughs, “Lesbians,” she says and Vanjie grunts, “Okay Vanj but I doubt you’d do it perfectly tomorrow. Just let Yvie be there just in case. She’s like, your Plan B, or something,”

  “Fine, but I promise you that I won’t fuck it up.” Vanjie says, “Everything’ll be fine.”

//

Brooke Lynn Hytes was a very lonely person. She was most likely the only one in the campus who had no roommate and even if she knew it wasn’t because people didn’t like her, she still felt terrible that she was alone. The closest she has to a roommate are the professors who stay overnight during busy days that stay in her building because it’s where all the vacant rooms were. Madame Visage stays here often because of the stress she receives as the headmistress. Rumors also say she’s the Wizard’s assistant but Brooke wouldn’t believe anything unless she hears it from the headmistress herself.

  In the morning, she always wakes up early. Brooke never has a reason to sleep late in the evening. There were no friends for her to party with nor did she have difficulties in her studies— she wasn’t going to be Munchkinland’s next professor for no reason. Well, the reason is mostly that her father was biased but she never liked that reason. The other reason is that she was immensely intelligent, never getting any grade below A. 

  It takes Brooke around an hour to get ready for the day. Her tangled legs are never a thing to be proud of. Her legs were almost like jelly as they were intertwined with each other like vines. She could move, but it’d never get anywhere because they’re literally like they were tied. It was hard at first to prepare by herself but after she tried to do everything independently, she eventually got used to it. There was a lot of chairs for everything to work but other than that, there was no other complication.

  After she’d get prepared, she always loved to write to herself just to give herself a self-checkup everyday. Her dad would always ask her to do it and now, she can’t go a day without writing in her diary. Not everything was fun, though, as most of her entries were always about how her legs prevented her from doing this and that and how lonely she felt.

  The loneliness wasn’t some kind of joke. She and Yvie shared that aspect with one another; it was just Yvie who really didn’t mind it. Even if Brooke was extremely introverted, she really longed for a consistent friend who she can get along with and depend on. Growing up, she and her sister would always be referred to as a freak show by many, hency why no one would try to approach her. For Brooke, people at least were kind when they interacted, but every interaction was nothing more than a question about academics. 

  The three only other friends she had besides her sister were her obsessive father, her overly kind dance teacher, and this reckless, dumb bitch named Vanessa. Her father was just labelled as a friend because he just loved to spoil her non-stop and would converse to her like a normal person, unlike how he acts towards Yvie. Her dance teacher was the first to see her true potential in dancing and she couldn’t thank her enough for giving her some kind of passion when she thought she was nothing.

  Then there’s Vanjie, someone who she thought would never be friends with her. She first knew Vanjie as Yvie’s only friend during kindergarten and Vanjie, the reckless child she is, always loved using Yvie to mess with the other kids, just because they thought it was something hilarious. Yvie, despite being older, started the same age as Brooke because at first, their father refused to treat Yvie like a normal person. If it weren’t for their nanny, Yvie wouldn’t be in the position she was today. Despite studying late, Yvie adapted well, and was actually really happy she had her sister in the same batch she was.

  But back to Vanjie— Vanjie used to be someone she just knew because Yvie would always bring her along on the way home. Her father refused to talk to her because of obvious reasons so Brooke was always on the side, watching them. It was only when her father was sick that she got to know Vanjie. The three of them still walked home together but now, Brooke had less restrictions, hence why she began to chatter with the other two. She found out that they were more fun than what she expected, and instead of heading home, they messed around. Even if their father was much disappointed at them, that was the best memory Brooke had of her childhood.

  Growing up, Vanjie barely had any shared classes with her, but Vanjie and Brooke always try their best to hangout whenever they were free. She didn’t know how their friendship has lasted that long but she was happy that she had Vanjie. And Brooke knew Yvie loved Vanjie as well even if she’d never admit it.

  Now in Shiz, Brooke felt alone more than ever. A month in, she felt awfully homesick. She knew she should be grateful that she’s studying in the most privileged university in all of Oz but she admits she actually misses her father just a bit. Of course she loathed her hatefulness towards Yvie but she misses the compliments and the friendly small talks they shared. All she had now was her sister who sometimes loved to snap back at anyone and gain attention and Vanjie who only occasionally hangs out with her. 

  That stupid Scarlet Envy loved to hog them away from her, though. The reason why she doesn’t see Vanjie daily is because she was in the same clique Scarlet was in. Brooke thought she actually didn’t fit in with Scarlet and her friends but Vanjie keeps convincing her that Scarlet acts better than what she showcases publicly. They apparently became close when Vanjie moved to the Gillikin County over the summer because of Vanjie’s mom getting a job at Shiz. Vanjie met Ra’jah as her roommate in advance and they kicked it off well, causing Vanjie to be invited into Scarlet’s group.

  Scarlet also hogs Yvie away, believe it or not. Yvie and Scarlet love to appear like they loathe each other but Brooke can tell that they really enjoyed each other’s company despite the back and forth insults. Scarlet literally pulled Yvie with her out of class willingly— that’s definitely a sign of development in their friendship. 

  And with Yvie and Vanjie pulled away from time to time, all she had was… was writing letters to her father and Madame Visage. Brooke should be used to the isolation but she wasn’t— it still hurt from time to time.

  At least today, she had Yvie. Yesterday, Vanjie and Yvie literally were grabbed by Scarlet and she was alone on the way to her room in a building that no other student occupied. Brooke was using her time with Yvie wisely because who knows when she will inevitably be pulled away from her again.

  Today, their university was hustling and bustling even more than before. Brooke was unbeknownst to why at first until she heard the gossip of what was going on when she wheeled herself to her first class. It was something that had to do with Scarlet, of course, and it has something to do with a dance party. This intrigued Brooke for mainly two reasons: firstly, she and many others were aware of Scarlet’s dancing skills or lack thereof, and secondly, Brooke loved to dance.

  The party was in two days and will be held at Ozdust at 7PM. It was actually at a reasonable day and time and despite of her spite towards Scarlet, she was actually considering to drop by. Maybe she might tag along Yvie just because she didn’t want to be that loner in a party. Both she and Yvie loved to dance, the only difference is their style of dancing. Brooke was graceful and her dancing would invoke sereneness and calmness while Yvie’s dancing was more for clubs and raves, always so upbeat and high energy. Both barely showed their skills, though; atoo shy to present themselves in front of other people because of obvious reasons.

  So maybe she won’t actually drop by, huh. 

  “I just realized how many people would actually attend this because of Scarlet, ugh,” Brooke complains to Yvie during lunch as she lazily feeds herself a spoonful of veggies. “Just thinking about it makes me feel claustrophobic.” she adds. She also received a flyer on the way to lunch— apparently some of Scarlet’s followers began promoting the party on her own because of course her followers would love to scout for people they can convert to the Scarlet Envy religion.

  “I heard about them talking about last night.” Yvie mentions, her elbow placed on the table as she leaned her cheek against her palm. She didn’t seem to enjoy her meal today, “Scarlet is the worst dancer I’ve seen. She flaps her arms and she calls it ‘professional dancing’, it’s ridiculous.” Yvie says as she feeds herself a piece of her meal. She chews slowly, looking like she wants to spit it out. 

  “Girl, we know,” Brooke says, “We always know. She’s delusional, I won’t be surprised if she has dementia,” Brooke adds and Yvie hums. 

  As they continue eating, Brooke kept observing Scarlet’s table. She really couldn’t help herself because her table was literally in front of theirs. There was a safe distance between both, at least, so her followers wouldn’t accidentally bump their table. As per usual, Scarlet’s crowd was as wild, obnoxious, and humongous as ever with Scarlet sitting elegantly on the table as if she were some queen. Scarlet’s friends all seem out of it, just like always, playing with their food as they looked like they want to behead all of Scarlet’s fans.

  Eventually, her eyes began trailing off of Scarlet and to Vanjie, who was sitting in the same spot every time she was with Scarlet at lunch. She sat backwards on the chair as she poked at her food, unimpressed by the rowdiness of the crowd. It was weird to see Vanjie so quiet especially when she was known for never shutting up in highschool. Turns out detention isn’t what she needs, it was fanbases who couldn’t go one second without complimenting the same things to someone who they consider as their god.

  Every time Vanjie was out of it, Brooke would always hope she would look her way so they can at least exchange glances. If she wasn’t going to hangout with Brooke, a glance and a bright smile is all she needed to be satisfied. It always happened every lunch time when Vanjie was away so it wasn’t a surprise when Vanjie finally locked eyes with her. Vanjie smiles here naturally beautiful yet adorable grin as she waves a tiny hello at Brooke. Brooke also waves, like the usual thing she does in reply. 

  Weirdly, Vanjie actually stands up. Vanjie would never excuse herself from Scarlet’s group because she actually fears the wrath of Scarlet’s fandom when they become judgmental towards her. So, with her looking like she wants to step out, Brooke became slightly proud but still a bit worried. She gives Vanjie a concerned stare as a sign for her to sit back down again but Vanjie seems persistent in wanting to get to Brooke’s table.

  But alas, the fans spotted it before she could escape. “Hey, Vanjie, you’re seeing those freaks again? What’s going on with you?” One yells and Vanjie quickly gets startles as she was pushed back down on her chair. It wasn’t forceful but still, it makes both Yvie and Brooke enraged. Yvie almost grabs her spoon to toss again but Brooke stops her before anything gets more violent.

  “You’re lucky to be staying with Scarlet so why don’t you appreciate it? Aren’t you grateful that you’re with her and not… with them?” A girl states as she snorts while gesturing towards Yvie and Brooke. Again, Brooke and Yvie tense up as they give them icy stares. Yvie starts tapping at the table out of habit as she restrains herself from using her powers.

  “Yea! Be more appreciative, Vanjie! Aren’t I right, Scarlet?” a guy says as Scarlet slowly becomes panicky. Yvie glares at Scarlet, giving her a sign to not fuck up her answer with a fake reply that might damage her friends’ reputations.

  “Alright, settle down, Vanjie probably didn’t mean that,” Scarlet says, not wanting to work for both the side of her fanbase and the side of her friends, “I don’t want anyone to be negative especially when I want everyone to have consistent positive energy until the party comes, you got that?” Scarlet says. Brooke sighs a breath of relief as the crowd began agreeing, leaving both the sisters and Vanjie alone. 

  “The fuck is wrong with Scarlet’s fans— how—how does she deal with this?” Brooke says, still eyeing the crowd with irritation. “They’re unbelievably dense.”

  “Yea, sometimes I feel like Scarlet’s being more manipulated by them than the crowd being manipulated by her. It’s just a new thing I noticed,”

  Brooke cocks an eyebrow at Yvie, surprised by how wary and cautious she was of Scarlet out of the blue, “Okay, when did you start caring for Scarlet?”

  Yvie was silent as she looks down at her meal. Brooke was definitely suspicious of Yvie now, especially when she just insulted Scarlet a few minutes ago. “Hey, it was just an observation, don’t think of it as anything more than that.” Yvie mumbles as she shoves a few veggies into her mouth in disgust. Brooke gives her a light smile as she somewhat realizes what Yvie is slowly getting herself into. Then again, Yvie’s caring instincts aside, she takes a moment to process what Yvie mentions about Scarlet.

  Once Brooke pondered about it thoroughly, she somewhat understood Yvie’s point. Scarlet was much different to her friends in person and sometimes, her dislike towards certain people seemed unnecessary. Brooke doesn’t want to assume but since Scarlet was sculpting another personality in front of her fanbase, Brooke thinks it’s slowly getting mixed into her true personality, and it’s quite worrisome to think that Scarlet was losing her true self because of it.

  Then again, it wasn’t Brooke’s problem much since again, she still felt bitter towards Scarlet for stealing away her only friends in life. So, it’d be fine not to meddle with Scarlet’s issues much.

  After some time suffering eating greens, the bell finally sounded across the campus. Yvie was glad she could just deny her lunch and grabbed her bag immediately to head off with Brooke to class. But before they could both leave, Vanjie actually makes her way to the duo. She seemed less startled than before but still alert for any fans that’ll spy on Vanjie to spread more gossip.

  Thankfully, Yvie was there to keep guard of any disrespectful fans. She can easily scare them off with her dark aura and sharp teeth. If that fails, Yvie isn’t afraid to throw a pen at them while insulting them. Brooke was at least comfortable with Yvie doing that to them since Vanjie was being hurt by these fans.

  “Sorry about a while ago, I shouldn’t have tried to escape the pits of hell like that,” Vanjie says as she ties her hair into a messy bun. Brooke licks her lips as stares at Vanjie longingly, thinking that the messy bun look on her was undeniably attractive. 

  “It’s alright, those fans are fucking nuts,” Yvie says, “I’m like, this close to murdering all of them,” Yvie adds as she raises her left hand and puts her thumb and index finger close together but not too close to look like they were touching. Vanjie sighs in agreement, looking incredibly annoyed.

  “Same, but actually, I’d fucking murder them already if I can get away with it.” Vanjie says exasperatedly and the sisters hum in agreement. “But they do make Scarlet happy… or I think they do, I dunno.”

  “Debatable but okay,” Yvie says, followed by a minute of odd silence. As they walk towards their classes, Brooke notices how Yvie and Vanjie walked in a slower pace as they seemed to know something Brooke didn’t know. They kept exchanging glances as if they were trying to send secret messages to one another. Brooke eyes them warily as she wheels more slowly, hoping she can get on whatever they’ve been hiding.

  “Uh, Brooke, I have something to say,” Vanjie says slowly yet awkwardly as Brooke turns to her with raised eyebrows. It was out of character for Vanjie to start any conversation like that and it causes Brooke’s heart to race and palms to sweat. She also can’t tell if it was anything good or bad but judging by Vanjie’s nervous expression, Brooke expects the worst to come. This was it, Vanjie was going to end their nearly twenty-year friendship, Brooke can feel it.

  “Yes?” Brooke manages to say this with no stuttering but inside, panic and anxiety began spreading throughout her body. Vanjie seems just as nervous as she is as she constantly looks away as she nibbles her bottom lip. Yvie, on the other hand, looked unimpressed as she glared at Vanjie threateningly.

  “I—uhm,” Vanjie continues but the words seem trapped in her throat, not wanting to escape her lips. It irritates Brooke a bit but she was patient, not wanting to rush Vanjie to confess whatever she has in her head. “I—I’m gonna head to class,” Vanjie manages to say and Brooke’s eyebrows furrow, confused to why Vanjie suddenly avoided what she wanted to discuss. 

  “Huh, what—“ Yvie suddenly jumps in, probably as bewildered as Brooke was. “Vanjie, what in the fuck—“ she says but couldn’t finish as she began being pulled away by Vanjie, both of the two abruptly leaving Brooke behind as they head to their own class. Brooke stops in her tracks as she grips her wheelchair’s wheels tightly, slightly saddened by Vanjie bailing on her.

  “Whatever,” Brooke says bitterly as she headed for her class. It was mathematics so this can undoubtedly distract her from whatever just happened right now. She can just demand answers from Yvie later— everything was going to be fine.

  //

  “Brooke! Brooke, hey, uhm, I wanna walk with ya to your room,” Immediately after Brooke wheels out of her class, Vanjie was already waiting outside. Yvie was behind her, looking very disgruntled at Vanjie. Brooke exchanges looks with Yvie before she stares at Vanjie weirdly. She chews the inside of her lip as she tries to process what was going on with Vanjie today.

  “Alright, but it’ll be a long walk,” Brooke says as she turns her wheelchair away from them and to the direction of her building. Vanjie looks delighted as she walks beside Brooke, looking equally as nervous as she was joyous. Yvie was trailing behind them and even if Brooke wasn’t looking at her, she knew that Yvie was staring at them carefully like a concerned parent.

  “What did you want to say a while ago?” Brooke asks, hoping Vanjie would finally be truthful to her. Vanjie still looks hesitant as she shrugged, most likely trying to keep her composure steady,

  “Uhm,” Vanjie says. One giveaway that Vanjie was still masking something was the constant stuttering. She also never stops midway through her sentences because Vanjie likes to ramble most of the time, never stopping when she talks. “You heard of Scarlet’s party? You going to it?” she asks, avoiding Brooke’s gaze.

  Brooke goes with it, “No, I don’t think I am. I know you’re going, though, since I don’t think you can decline her invite to the party,” Brooke says and Vanjie shrugs, looking neutral, “At least you’re a great dancer, you’d definitely blend in well there, unlike me,” Brooke says with an awkward chuckle as she gestures to her legs. 

  “Hey, you can dance! Anyone can dance.” Vanjie says and Brooke smiles at her, flattered by her statement. “If this bitch behind ya can dance then you can too,” Vanjie says as she points her thumb at Yvie who was deadpanning until her name was mentioned.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Yvie says as Vanjie chuckles at her.

  “I was just saying how lovely your dancing is,” Vanjie says.

  “Actually, Yvie can go with you to the party so you wouldn’t be too lonely there,” Brooke suggests, “You two have the same kind of dancing style so I think you two would have a great time.”

  “Y’know, I was actually gonna, uhm,” Vanjie stutters again and Brooke’s patience is thinning. She waits for a few seconds for Vanjie to continue but she still seems disoriented. What does she want to say?

  “Vanj, we’re friends, right? You can tell me anything,” Brooke says in the nicest way possible, hoping it’ll calm Vanjie down enough for her to spill. Vanjie’s lip quivers as she fiddles with her fingers, looking like she’s at a loss on how she wants to confess whatever she has in mind.

  “Look, Scarlet planned the party for you and Vanjie’s just trying to ask you out, Brooke,” Unexpectedly, Yvie started to speak behind them, looking just as impatient as Brooke was but more blunt. Yvie immediately receives a sharp glare from Vanjie. Vanjie looked like she wanted to scold Yvie but Yvie remains calm as ever, appearing to be very unbothered by the stares.

  Brooke, on the other hand, was shocked to the core. Her eyes widened in a delighted surprise as she stopped wheeling herself to gaze at Vanjie. Before Vanjie decided to beat Yvie up, Vanjie caught Brooke’s curious gaze and flushed, reserving her anger towards Yvie for later.

  “Is that what you were trying to tell me?” Brooke asks, her anxiety and irritation replaced with genuine curiosity and slight joy. Vanjie gulps and nods slowly as Yvie seemed relieved that Vanjie was started to act truthfully. Brooke’s lips slowly curve upwards as she takes one of Vanjie’s hands to ease her queasiness. “Hey, look at me,” Brooke says as she notice Vanjie still malfunctioning, “I’d love to go out with you.”

  Vanjie’s eyes widen as she quickly perks up, a wide grin like Brooke’s forming on her face as well. “Really? For real real?” Vanjie says as her hands begin shaking. Brooke lets out a small chuckle as she gave a nod.

  “Of course, you dumbass!” Brooke exclaims as Vanjie lets out a breath of relief, “I thought you were gonna break up our friendship but this—this is much better. Oz, you should’ve said this earlier! I was panicking the entire time during maths because I thought you hated me.” 

  “What? I don’t hate you, it’d be weird if I suddenly told you that I hated you after, I don’t fucking know, sixteen years of our friendship.” Vanjie laughs, clearly overly excited and relieved that they finally have it all settled, “So you will go to the dance with me?”

  “Of course I fucking will now that you asked!” 

  “And you’d, uh, I dunno— are we— do you wanna be—”

  “Yes, a hundred percent, I’d love to,” Brooke says sincerely. “Never in my wildest dreams did I thought this would actually happen, my Oz— this is probably the best day I’ve had in my life,” Brooke rambles as her heart beats quickly, causing her to act all hyper. 

  “You’re welcome, lesbians,” Yvie speaks and the two of them jump, forgetting that Yvie was still watching from behind, “You also have to thank Scarlet, by the way,” Yvie says but Brooke has no clue on what she meant behind it.

  “I guess her plan actually worked,” Vanjie murmurs then notices the confused expression brooke had, “Oh! I forgot to mention that uhm, she was the one who implemented the party just so I can have the perfect ‘first date’. I didn’t actually believe her when she said her plan was foolproof but at the end, it surprisingly worked,” Vanjie states and it really gives Brooke another perspective on Scarlet. 

  Maybe Scarlet was deep down really kind-hearted despite her occasional impoliteness. “Huh, wow,” Brooke says, still taking in her realization. “She is actually not as bad as she seems… I, wow— I’m actually a bit speechless by that. I guess I have to thank her for all of this…”

  “I’ll make sure to tell her for you,” Yvie says, “Anyways, I’ll be heading off, you lesbians— I heard no other person lives in Brooke’s building so you can just as loud as you want,” Yvie says with a knowing smirk before she turns away nonchalantly. Vanjie snorts at her while Brooke merely flushed just thinking about it.

  “Hey you’re thinking about it! I can’t believe you’re thinking about it!” Vanjie calls Brooke out and Brooke slaps her elbow to retort.

  Brooke gives her a suggestive wink before she wheels off with Vanjie, flustered and confused, chasing after her. 

  Yvie sighs at them. She wasn’t gloomy for them in any way but there was light feelings of jealousy she felt within her. Adjusting her bag, she continues walking to her shared suite, wanting to relax herself for the day. The thought of the dance and her sister’s happiness keeps flooding her head and Yvie just wants to shut it all out. The better she accepts that no one will love her, the more this jealousy will pass.

  Then again, her mind seems to be fixated at Scarlet as well. Scarlet organized this to happen and was that one push Vanjie needed to finally confess. Not only that but this— this made her sister happy. Scarlet made her sister happy. This was always a big deal for Yvie. Anyone who makes her sister happy is someone Yvie needs to respect wholeheartedly because there are rarely anyone who does so. 

  Yvie suddenly feels compelled to return Scarlet a favor. Maybe she should… gift her with something.

  “Oh, Miss Yvie, where are you headed? You seem to be the only one here,” Out of nowhere, Madame Visage speaks. She seems to have finished her last class and was off to return to her office. Yvie purses her lips as she gets an idea on what she would love to give to Scarlet.

  “Madame Visage, I actually have a request…”

//

“Oh, hey Yves,” Shuga says as Yvie enters the suite. Even if the party was still in two days, Scarlet was already preparing for her outfit to wear. The room was messier than usual as Scarlet has littered it with different kinds of catsuits and dresses that had to be unbelievably gorgeous yet expensive. Shuga was visiting as well, most likely helping Scarlet out since she knew how indecisive she was.

  “Heyo, I love how you’re taking out the trash today,” Yvie remarks as she hops over the messily scattered heels on the floor to get to her bed. Scarlet gives Yvie an aggravated glare as she placed one of her dresses on a hanger.

  “Actually, I wasn’t sure I was taking out the trash until you walked in,” Scarlet retorts and Yvie, genuinely astounded, chuckles at her. Their back and forth remarks will never be boring for Yvie. “How’s Vanjie and Brooke?”

  “A success,” Yvie replies, and both Scarlet and Shuga rejoice in unison, both immensely relieved that everything went well. “But we had to go for Plan B since Vanjie pussied out too much.”

  “That was expected, though,” Shuga jokes as she begins folding some of Scarlet’s outfits as if she were her nanny. “So they’re both going to the party?”

  “Uhuh, so everything’s gonna be great,”

  “Are you going to the party?” Shuga asks, and Yvie shrugs as she places her bag down next to her bed. There was no real reason for Yvie to attend since she didn’t have anyone to accompany her. Every one of Scarlet’s friends would undoubtedly stick with her while Brooke and Vanjie have their own little thing. Yvie would… be alone. Like always.

  “I feel like you should go— everyone else is,” Scarlet says and it was a surprise that she insisted Yvie to go. Yvie purses her lips as she actually starts to consider the invitation. Why does she seem compelled to go when Scarlet is the one who requests for her presence? When did she ever begin listening Scarlet Envy?

  “Also—“ Scarlet speaks and Shuga apprehensively stares at Scarlet. “Would you want to have this hat I found? It was hiding in the back of my closet and I don’t think it’d suit me if I’d wear it.” Scarlet begins digging into this gigantic box that was sitting next to her closet. The box was filled with funky-looking hats, all different in designs. In the bottom of the box, Scarlet finds what she needs: a pointy, black hat. It was unquestionably oldschool, something Yvie would find her grandmother to wear. 

  “Here, this is all yours,” Scarlet says, “I think you should wear it to the party,” she adds with most likely a very fake smile but it makes Yvie’s emotions flutter inside her. She knew Scarlet was joking but to Yvie, the hat wasn’t as terrible as she thought it’d be. Firstly, it was in a dark color, so of course it would please Yvie. Yvie wears enough weird outfits to accept this odd hat as something she’d wear. Truly, Yvie appreciates the gift, no matter how much Scarlet meant for it to be a harmless joke.

  “Thanks, Scar,” Yvie says and both Scarlet and Shuga were surprised by her sincere thankfulness for the hat and how she used a nickname for Scarlet. Scarlet blinks a couple of times while she furrowed her eyebrows, perplexed by how Yvie was reacting to the hat.

  “I—are you actually gonna wear that horrendous hat?” Scarlet says, “You will literally look like a garden gnome, Yvie, I recommend you don’t do it.”

  “Oh wow, Miss Scarlet Envy actually cares about me? How sweet,” Yvie says in reply and Scarlet huffs out a breath, “No, really, I actually like it. Fits with my aesthetic,” Yvie says as she places it on top of her head. It wasn’t sitting directly on top but actually, she decides to put it on the left side of her head and keep it slanted. Looking at the mirror near their window, she adjusts it to look the way Yvie wanted it to look.

  “Oh? Okay then, weirdo.” Scarlet says, “People are going to judge you for the hat, though, so try your best not to wear it since you already get bullied enough.” Scarlet warns her. Yvie thinks it’s cute whenever she witnesses Scarlet be all careful and motherly towards Yvie. It was rare but it makes Yvie feel great, for some reason.

  “It’s been a month, I’m used to it.”

  “Are you actually going to the party, honey?” Shuga asks and Yvie pauses. This week has been a pleasant week for Yvie regarding academics. Her professors were kind enough to give most of the students a break this week, their homework being given to a minimum. So, there was no academics getting in the way of the party. And albeit all the expected, judgmental looks Yvie will receive during the party, Yvie does want to go party at least once in her college life. Yvie was a wild bitch, and maybe, she can try having fun for once in this dance party of Scarlet’s.

  Yvie, with a confident smirk, replies, “Hell yea.”

  //

It was 6:40 and Yvie still remained stood in front of her mirror, checking how she looks for the hundredth time. She doesn’t even know why she was still fixing how she looks when she clearly didn’t want to dress to impress. She dresses to depress. Her hair looked just how it did like always, its buns still staying the same way it was styled this morning. Her dress was somewhat similar to the dresses she wore daily, only this time, it was slightly more revealing and lacy. She kept her word and wore the freaky hat Scarlet gave to her because believe it or not, her adoration for the hat still hasn’t faded. It fit well with her outfit anyways so there was no big issue there.

  Tonight, she was supposed to have fun, but here she is, checking to see if she was passable enough for the party. Something bothered her and she didn’t know why. For the past days, she didn’t know why any interaction with Scarlet tickles her insides. She feels like mush whenever they exchange jokes and she flusters harshly whenever Scarlet would genuinely compliment or converse with her. And now, she wishes that she looked just as appealing as Scarlet was. She doesn’t know why she suddenly craves for Scarlet’s praise and appreciation but she does. And now, her bothering thoughts wouldn’t stop pestering and now she’s conflicted on her appearance.

  She looks at her pocket watch again– 6:44. The party most likely has started already since many arrived early. Scarlet already left with her clique and Vanjie and Brooke left as well just so they can spend more time with each other. Yvie said she would follow fifteen minutes ago and now, she’s still in the same place she was pacing around earlier.

  Yvie sighed as she grabbed her bag– she truly was a pathetic piece of shit, huh.

  Yvie decides to leave after enough convincing from herself. Even if her horrible was horrible, Scarlet would be very much displeased if she came in late, and Yvie definitely didn’t want to ruin her excited mood.

//

Because of their early arrival, both Brooke and Vanjie got a spot of their own near the corners of the room to stay away from any other person as much as possible. Brooke looked absolutely stunning, preparing effortfully for tonight. She wore an emerald green, flowy dress that hugged her body really well. Thanks to Vanjie, she had less struggles putting the dress on and styling her hair for tonight. Vanjie, on the other hand, wore something complimentary– a red dress that had only one sleeve while the exposed arm and shoulder was slathered with gold glitters. And because Brooke loved it, she made Vanjie tie her hair into a messy bun again.

  And so far, her night has been amazing. Only thirty minutes has passed since their arrival and they’ve been grooving to the music like there was no tomorrow. Brooke has twirled so much in her wheelchair that she started becoming slightly light headed. If they weren’t spinning around, they would use their arms to do simple dance moves. Even if the amount of dance moves Brooke can execute is limited, she was having a blast with Vanjie. 

  “How was Scarlet able to find this much bands in like, two days? There’s a whole fucking set of them just waiting to perform.” Brooke says, or most accurately, shouts, since the music was blasting across the ballroom. Vanjie shrugs as she bounces to the loud music, enjoying how incredibly vigorous the band was. 

  “I don’t know but I fucking love it. These bitches are talented as fuck, it’s insane,” Vanjie says as she cheers on the singers on the stage. Brooke also chimed in, cheering for them happily just like everyone else is. The singers seem to respond greatly to it, quickly amping up their song to its maximum. Both Brooke and Vanjie rock to the music, their energy never wavering, prompting them to continuously pump out dance moves at every second.

  “I’m having the time of my fucking life!” Brooke shouts at Vanjie, “God, I’d love to do this monthly if Scarlet is willing to do so.”

  “She’s rich as fuck, she can do whatever she wants, if I’m being honest,” Vanjie replies, “I’ll tell her that, I’m sure she’ll keep the recommendation in mind,” Vanjie says with a wink and Brooke laughs at her. 

  Then, Brooke proceeds to take Vanjie’s hands to twirl her around on the beat of the music. Vanjie was disoriented when she spun but it Brooke was thoroughly entertained by her. Vanjie then returns the favor and twirls Brooke around. She spins with ease since she’s done this multiple times before with her wheelchair. They both share another laugh until their laughter dies out.

  “Oz, you are so beautiful,” Vanjie says out of the blue and Brooke blushes. At least under the colored lighting, it wasn’t clearly visible. “I’ve been waiting for this since– since fucking seventh grade.”

  “I was waiting since sixth grade, how about that?” Brooke says, “We were just so oblivious to each other back then, it makes me cringe just thinking about it.”

  “Can I kiss you?”

  Brooke almost jumped out of her wheelchair, “Wh–wait what?” 

  “Ugh, Brooke, can I fucking kiss you?” Vanjie asks, clearly flustered. 

  Brooke’s heart beats quickly that she feels like it could jump out the next time she exhales. She fiddles with her wheelchair’s handles for a moment before nodding excessively. Vanjie then kneels as if she were to propose to Brooke and leans forward. They stare at each other longingly before Vanjie leans in and places her soft lips on Brooke’s. The kiss wasn’t too deep nor long– it was just a simple, sweet peck. Despite it being a short kiss, it made Brooke’s heart race as if she ran a mile. 

  Once Vanjie let go, there was a permanent smile planted on Brooke’s face. Vanjie had the same expression as well as she giddily bounced out of excitement. “That… I love that. I feel like we should do that more often,” Brooke says, sounding like a foolish idiot. 

  “I think we should.” Vanjie says, “D’ya wanna–?”

  “Yes, go ahead,” Brooke replies and Vanjie kneels down again to give her another affectionate kiss.

  Meanwhile, at the other side of the ballroom, Ra’jah was tutoring Scarlet on how to dance. Thankfully, there was less of a crowd since everyone wanted to have their own fun with dancing, and Scarlet felt more free because of it. Then again, there were still many eyes on her, and it was very much pressuring especially when she realized that she can’t dance if her life depended on it. It was quite frankly embarrassing that she needed Ra’jah’s guidance since a lot of people were watching but Ra’jah always makes sure that Scarlet would be enjoying the party.

  “Like this?” Scarlet asks as she flails her arms around while moving her hips to the rhythm. Ra’jah snorts at her for the millionth time tonight and Scarlet grumpily huffs at her. “You always keep laughing at me! Oz, I really must not be able to dance,”

  “You know, it’s bad when Brooke, someone on a wheelchair, and Madame Visage, an old bitch, are both better at dancing than you are.” Ra’jah remarks and Scarlet slaps her forearm jokingly. Then, Scarlet pauses as she realizes that Madame Visage was present. How did she not notice her entering the ballroom? And what in the world was she doing here?

  “Madame Visage?” Scarlet asks and Ra’jah gestures to the headmistress who was grooving near the center of the ballroom as if she were twenty years younger. Many have been cheering her on and honestly, it was a nice thing to see from the headmistress. Even if she were scarily serious at times, it was nice to know she also had this fun aspect in her.

  Scarlet decides to cheer on for her as well. The headmistress then turns towards her direction and Scarlet decides to cheer even louder. Madame Visage smiles as if she was pleased and shimmies towards Scarlet’s direction.

  “Scarlet, this party’s great! How did you even manage all of this in two days?” the headmistress says and Scarlet immediately feels flattered.

  “I have my ways,” Scarlet replies with a prideful expression.

  “It’s like magic, honestly,” Madame Visage says, “And speaking of magic, I have something for you,” Madame Visage opens up her purse and brings out this elongated box from it. The box was simply red but it seemed to hold more importance to it. The headmistress hands the box for Scarlet to open and like a child opening presents, Scarlet lifts the lid.

  Inside, there was a wand. Not some kind of pretentious toy wand you’d find in most toy shops; this was a real wand. Its design was simple: it merely looked like a brown stick. On the bottom, there was a ruby attached to it that was carved like a rose.

  “I— wait wait wait, what’s going on?” Scarlet says as her hands begin to shake. 

  “I’ll be meeting you on Monday, next week.” Madame Visage says with a wink. Scarlet thinks about her statement for a second and when she finally understood, Scarlet gasps loudly and squeals. She couldn’t believe it— she was invited to attend Madame Visage’s sorcery class. She thought it would be impossible to get into her class after how much they butt heads but now, she actually got in. How did she even make it in?

  “I don’t— I don’t recall myself auditioning or applying for the class besides my attempt on the first day so… why?”

  “Just thank Miss Oddly for that,” Madame Visage says before walking away and dancing again. Scarlet, still in disbelief, looks down at the wand in awe again. Yvie… Yvie, despite their constant bickering, requested for Scarlet to join her class. Yvie, despite Scarlet’s numerous fans verbally bullying her, personally asked Madame Visage to give Scarlet such an expensive wand. Yvie, despite receiving such a terrible hat from Scarlet, personally asked Madame Visage for Scarlet to receive lessons that would make her a master at sorcery.

  Scarlet was close to sobbing uncontrollably because of it. She did nothing to deserve Yvie Oddly yet Yvie’s out here giving Scarlet the best gift she could possibly receive.

  Right when Scarlet was about to tell Ra’jah war just occured, the noise and the music of the room suddenly dies down. The silence was incredibly thick and everyone seemed to stare at something, or rather, someone, who entered the ballroom. As Scarlet looks up, there she sees Yvie Oddly making a grand entrance into the ballroom. As always, she seemed confident and her courage was never wavering.

  But Yvie, truly, was a bit frightened as she entered the room. She didn’t expect everyone to notice her when she entered and the pregnant silence just made her more nervous. Yvie knew she would get attention but she didn’t think the whole room would grow silent just to judgmentally gaze at her.

  Yvie tries her best not to run away from the party, though. She walks down the steps that led to the main dancefloor as everyone watched. She can tell a few people were already whispering gossip about her and she tries her best to ignore it while she made her way to the center. Once she got there, she began dancing on her own, twirling and moving her arms gracefully to… to an imaginary rhythm.

  But after two sets of her horrible dancing, someone walks up to her from the crowd. It was Scarlet Envy, there in the flesh, with her red catsuit covered in fake roses. They stare at each other first before Scarlet began to follow Yvie’s moves, dancing it as horribly as Yvie was dancing them. Yvie started to smile as Scarlet began having fun with the moves, twirling closer and closer to Yvie as she does so.

  “What’re you guys doing?” Madame Visage yells, “start the music already!” she exclaims as everyone suddenly cheers, opposite to what their attitude was a minute ago. Scarlet giggles joyfully as she still continued dancing with Yvie, even grabbing Yvie’s hand to twirl around with her. Yvie also begins to smile as well, her fear being replaced with an immense glee as they dance around like no one is watching.

  Yvie doesn’t know exactly why Scarlet decided to save her ass now or why she suddenly became all carefree. But… it felt nice. Yvie felt like she was in absolute bliss. Without them being at each other’s throats, they both suddenly feel like they were in paradise, in heaven.

  But in the midst of their dancing, Yvie does realize something. Whenever she was with Scarlet, her pessimism seems to ease up as her happiness seems to increase tenfold. There was a weird feeling in her stomach every time she looks at Scarlet. Whether she’d merely exchange a few words with her or she’d simply make eye contact with her, Yvie felt her mouth go dry as she sometimes stood speechless merely just observing the redheads.

  Yvie realized that she was developing a crush towards Scarlet Envy.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Sarazanmai Episode 11 [Finale]: “I Want To Connect, So Sarazanmai”

Do you ever just watch an anime episode that’s So Much in so many different ways that it makes you immediately want to lay down and sleep for a hundred years, but in like a good and hopeful way?

Yeah.

It’s very fitting that the final episode title is technically self-referential nonsense that in practice makes complete emotional sense and leaves everything feeling neatly tied together. It just Works [tm].

Thoughts under the cut.

Even though they were in like 5% of this episode I just wanna immediately point out that Reo and Mabu are ALIVE and IN LOVE and my SKIN IS CLEARED. It didn’t exactly happen in the way I expected, but I was hoping that they’d get revived, and here we are. The finale gave absolutely no shits about actually explaining any of the lingering mysteries about them, but I can’t fault them for it when they gave them such an unambiguously happy ending together. And in practice it perfectly fit the dreamy, surreal, intensely emotionally-driven vibe of the whole finale. Seeing their connected rings morph into them flying through the air while holding hands and the sheer power of their gay love literally paving the way for the main trio to finally connect was one of those moments where you just gotta sit back and accept that Ikuhara’s throwing at you, lmao.

Realistically I thought they might get left off on a pretty bittersweet note like a lot of Ikuhara characters, but nah, they’re just straight up back to being alive and happy and they pretty much got to attend their daughter’s magical furry wedding, lmao. They didn’t even get their memories erased like I thought might happen, so the whole confession scene from ep10 is still perfectly intact and now that the whole otter thing’s dealt with, we can probably safely assume that the two of them made up and are back to being The Ultimate Couple. It also looks like the two of them and even Sara and Keppi are still hanging out in the human world, which is kinda unexpected. I thought that even in the best case scenario they’d all just head back to the kappa kingdom, but I guess since that doesn’t really exist anymore they’re just gonna stay in the human world. Reo and Mabu seem to be working as rickshaw drivers now, which makes it even more clear that they’re probably back to being more or less regular people and being part of regular human society, and they’ve probably given up their jobs as cops, which is nice.

None of this answers the still lingering question of ‘how the fuck does the manga even fit into the timeline aaaaaaa’, but I don’t care as much about finding out the answer to that after this finale, so it’s not a big deal. I guess we’re meant to think that it happened before the anime, though. My best guess is that Sara was intentionally sent into the human world as a baby to protect her from the kappa/otter war, or something, and then Reo and Mabu raised her, she magically turned into her teenage/adult self [in an instantaneous fairy tale-y kind of way], then she went back to the kappa kingdom for a bit, and I guess she arranged things with Keppi and had them get recruited into the kappa kingdom? I still think they’re humans that got roped into this like the main trio, so I think that makes sense to me.

Even more so than with the main trio, I think that those two getting a 100% happily ever after with no caveats or drawbacks really spells out how fundamentally optimistic and hopeful this series is, and how they were one way or another victims of a harsh system that didn’t deserve the shit they went through, and so they got given a happy ending. It’d be understandable if people feel upset that they got such a happy ending after having done undeniably awful things, but I don’t mind.

And on the topic of the main trio, hoo boy they sure were the main focus of this episode, lol. And by ‘them’ I mean ‘Toi’ because let’s be honest he was basically the actual main character of the show by the end, and the finale was like 99% focused on his character development specifically. Which isn’t a bad thing. Kazuki’s whole deal had already been more or less resolved by the end of ep6, so it makes sense that the second half in general focused more on Toi.

On the flip side, Enta kinda got the short end of the stick in terms of screen-time and development, and things end in a sorta wishy-washy way in regards to his feelings for Kazuki. It makes enough sense that his whole ending was about choosing not to drown himself in fruitless delusions, even if it feels kinda lame and disappointing compared to the more climactic and intense resolutions that Kazuki and Toi got.

Though tbh a big part of why I don’t feel too negatively about how Enta’s crush on Kazuki kinda fizzled into irrelevancy is because Reo and Mabu got their happy ending that preserved all of their character development, with the obvious implication that they’re back to being in a happy and stable romantic relationship. The fact that there’s at least one happy gay couple at the end of all this makes me much more willing to forgive Enta’s story being handled a bit differently. I mean, that’s part of the whole reason why diversity in storytelling is so important. When you include multiple different gay characters/relationships in your stories, you have the freedom to do different things with them, instead of having all the narrative burdens and expectations being placed on just one character/relationship. It’s annoying when the ONLY gay character in a show ends up having to repress and move on from their feelings, but it’s fine when there are other gay characters who get to have their own happy relationships.

Anyway, I really liked how Toi’s story wrapped up here. A lot of what actually happened in the finale was full on bizarre dream logic nonsense, but the emotional undercurrent of Toi being faced with the prospect of effectively committing suicide in order to free himself from the pain of human connection once and for all, and him coming to the realization on his own terms that he doesn’t want to let go of those connections, got through perfectly clearly. They actually went a lot further with his story than I expected. Literally further, in that we had a whole timeskip epilogue detailing how after the main story ended he went to juvie for a few years and then reunited with Kazuki and Enta when he returned. I’m going to assume that he turned himself in, since there shouldn’t have been any concrete evidence tying him to any of his crimes, except for maybe him shooting Reo [though even then, Reo’s corpse immediately transformed into one of those rings so I don’t think that counts as lasting forensic evidence, lmao]. It was definitely the most brushed-over part of the finale, but it didn’t need to be focused on that much, since the more important part was him reuniting with the other two afterward.

And in terms of timeskips and whatnot, I really loved the whole potential future flashforward sequence showing a what-if scenario of the three of them becoming professional soccer players and being slowly torn apart by interpersonal drama, while the different episode title cards are re-used in this new context to show how their emotional issues and hang-ups might lead to that sort of negative outcome. It did a really nice job of illustrating how they’re willing to face the possibility of future pain in order to hold onto their connections with each other. Which is what the entire show had been building up to, really. It was all about them becoming able to face the harsh realities of being known in order to lead fulfilling lives with meaningful personal relationships.

I do kinda wish their older selves looked a bit more distinct from their base designs, though. Aside from the difference in outfits you can barely tell that they’ve grown up, lol.

I was initially planning on rewatching episode 1 after this, but honestly after what actually happened I don’t really think I’d actually get anything new out of episode 1 now. The very first scene of the show is still a bit of a mystery, even though it’s obviously based around a lot of visual imagery and cinematography from the finale, and the whole deal with the ‘A’ signs is still up for interpretation. But I don’t really think it’s super important one way or another.

I’m actually very happy that the ending didn’t involve any sort of time travel, and that that’s not what the first scene of the show was hinting at. Especially with how this finale really hammered in the importance of living with the consequences of your actions and accepting the future for what it is, it would have felt very cheap if anything got reset in the end.

I guess it’s also worth noting that, at least with the main trio, there weren’t any romantic developments, which I think was fine. With how the story had been building up to this point I think it was fairly obvious that their ending was gonna be more about friendship alone. Which might disappoint some people [and the whole topic of Enta’s unrequited crush on Kazuki is it’s own whole thing], but at the very least, Reo and Mabu got their happy romantic ending together, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out, lol.

Part of me wants to be disappointed that we didn’t really learn anything new about Sara, and that she didn’t exactly, uh, DO anything even in this final episode, but honestly I feel like that’s kinda ‘the joke’. Like, she and Keppi come across as a super tongue in cheek joke about the fairy tale concept of princes and princesses. Sorta like how the Utena movie made the ‘prince’ into a complete joke, Sara and Keppi are just there to be funny plot devices, and their big ending is that they have a big fat furry wedding and that’s that. And honestly that’s fine by me. I feel like Ikuhara’s whole artistic career has involved him becoming more and more flippant and dismissive about the concepts of princes and princesses and how much importance is placed on them in fiction, and that’s valid. It reminds me a bit of how all of the actual major characters are all queer dudes and their relationships with each other are the actually important part of the narrative, whereas straight characters like Sara and Keppi and all the different faceless kappa zombie dudes are mostly just joke characters. There’s something both deeply amusing and deeply vindicating about how this show turns the tables like that, with how it frames different types of love and relationships.

The main trio’s story ended up being not super tied into what the show has to say about sexuality in general [and overall the show is less specifically ‘about’ that than Yuri Kuma Arashi was, from what I understand], but there was definitely a whole lot of social commentary about homophobia going on with Reo and Mabu, and thankfully that part of the narrative came to a satisfying and genuinely subversive ending, with them overcoming the death imposed upon them and regaining their happy lives together. 

Now I’m hoping that Ikuhara will ‘complete the set’, so to say, and have his next anime be about trans/non-binary characters, especially after how Kazuki’s whole cross-dressing thing ended up being kinda unimportant and not about gender identity to begin with. Which is still kinda disappointing to me, but oh well.

Overall, this ending was almost aggressively happy and optimistic compared to what I was bracing myself for, so thankfully it’s left me feeling warm and fuzzy and content. All in all, it was a surprisingly straightforward story in terms of it’s central messages, in spite of it’s over the top and abstract framing, and I think it really benefited from that inherent simplicity, especially in this finale, which was so singularly focused on it’s central trio [and mostly just Toi’s perspective alone]. I was a bit worried the finale might turn into one of those things where a deeply personal conflict gets blown up and tied into literally world-ending stakes, but thankfully they didn’t go unnecessarily far with it. Even the kappa/otter war resolution barely involved the main trio themselves.

At least in hindsight, I think the anime was very tightly woven and was paced surprisingly well for it’s short episode count, and it’s hard to imagine how they could have spent much more time on the main trio, but now that we have a better idea of the timeline of the series, I really think that episode 6 should have been followed up by an episode that basically adapted the ReoMabu manga, plus parts of the twitter account, and the short chapter from the first light novel volume about how they met. That way it would have ended up with a nice round 12-episode length, and I don’t think it would have ‘spoiled the surprise’ of the later reveals and developments with Reo and Mabu. I just think it would have been really good to actually cover that in the anime itself, especially since even in the finale, the whole fact that they literally raised Sara as a baby never got addressed, so it feels like anime-only viewers are missing out on a big chunk of their story. But it’s not a huge deal.

I guess at the end of the day my feelings about the finale boil down to ‘Reo and Mabu are alive and happy and that’s literally all that matters to me’, lol.

I was really worried about how I’d be left feeling after this, but I’m happy that I’ve been following this series ever since it was first announced. This is the only time I’ve watched an Ikuhara show as it’s come out, and oh boy has it been an emotional roller-coaster. The fact that it ended in a satisfying way makes it all feel worth it, though.

I probably won’t get to it immediately since I think my brain needs time to recover from this one, but sometime soon I want to finally get around to watching Penguindrum and then Yuri Kuma Arashi. I don’t think I’ll liveblog them like I’ve been doing with Sarazanmai, though, if only since I’ve already been spoiled on bits and pieces of what happens in them, but we’ll see how it goes.

[ospreyarcher]

(Previously on Honeytrap: Honeytrap introduction Gennady muses on his assignment There’s only one bed!/Huddling for warmth Gennady goes to Daniel’s childhood home for Christmas Gunshot wound with hurt/comfort and stoicism Daniel gets drunk as a skunk and kisses Gennady)

This week on Honeytrap! @ancientreader kindly donated some money to the ACLU with the hope of getting some more of Gennady’s inner life, and so hear you go. Gennady and Daniel discuss poetry, love, small town American life, etc.

***

After this, Gennady often ended the day sitting on the end of Daniel’s bed, or even lying beside him if the bed was a double. This was partly a sop to Arkady’s honeytrap assignment: he could easily work it up to sound much more seductive than it was. I was lying on his bed, Arkady Anatolyevich! I can’t imagine why it didn’t work. 

But mostly it was pleasant to bother Daniel. It was nice to take off his suit coat in the overheated American motel rooms, with their radiators pouring out heat in the corner, and lie on his stomach and kick up his feet and pester Daniel till he put down his book. 

Gennady liked particularly to hear Daniel talk about his childhood: hiding under the lilac bush to read the crime magazine True Story (“we weren’t supposed to read it, but everyone did”), taking a paper delivery route to save up money to buy a proper baseball glove, buying an orange Ne-Hi cola (never grape, he noticed) and going down to the creek to fish…

“Did you live out in the country?” Gennady asked.

“No, just a small town. You could walk a couple blocks from my house and hit country, but if you walked a few blocks in the other direction you’d strike the downtown. A gas station and a drugstore and a movie theater – that’s closed now; a lot of the small town theaters are closing down because of television. I’d head downtown after school sometimes to the newspaper office where my mother worked.” 

Gennady sighed with contentment. This was the America of Ilf and Petrov. “I thought American women didn’t work.” 

“It’s more common than you’d think from the magazines,” Daniel said. “I suppose your mother worked.”

“Oh, yes,” said Gennady, momentarily eager: he would have liked to brag about his mother, who had been posted as security to Yalta near the end of the war, during the great conference between the Big Three powers. But of course this was impossible: he could hardly say that his mother and his father and his grandfather had all worked at the GRU, given that he was supposedly not a Soviet intelligence agent at all, although the Americans would have to be dim to believe it.

“Yes,” Gennady said, falling back on generalizations. “Most women in the Soviet Union work. But they are very good mothers, too,” he added. “My mother recited poetry for me.” And for good measure, to set the conversation firmly on another path, he sat up and recited Pushkin’s “Ya Vas lyubil” in his best recitation voice.  

It worked: Daniel looked fascinated. “That’s beautiful,” he said. “I have no idea what it’s about, but even so.”

Gennady could not resist bragging about this safer topic. “I won a volume of Pushkin’s poetry in a recitation competition when I was in school. Our poets,” he added, “are the best in the world.” 

“Oh? Have you read any American poets?” Daniel asked.

“Do you have any American poets?”

Daniel hit him with a pillow. “I’ll lend you my copy of Walt Whitman,” he said, then looked aghast. “No, wait. I don’t think Whitman is a good place to start.”

“He isn’t very good?” Gennady teased.

“He can be – um, he’s a little obscure. It would be better to start with Emily Dickinson or Longfellow. I can still do the whole ‘Paul Revere’s Ride,’ though not as well as you do Pushkin.”

“Let’s hear it then.”

So Daniel stood and recited, and Gennady lay down again and listened with his head on his crossed arms. “There’s a galloping rhythm to it,” he said, enchanted. “That’s very American, isn’t it? A poetry of movement.” 

“Yes,” said Daniel.

But he looked at Gennady so strangely that Gennady said, “What?”

“I don’t know. Most people aren’t interested in poetry, I guess,” Daniel said, and then clarified, “Most men, at least.”

“Poetry isn’t manly?” Gennady scoffed. “Like wearing a coat that is actually warm enough isn’t manly? Poetry is…” How to explain? “When there is nothing else, when all the world has gone mad, you recite poetry to hold things together, to give life order and meaning. The world is shaking, but poetry is steady.”

Daniel was nodding, like he did understand. “I was in a rear unit in Korea,” he said, “and we only got bombarded a few times. But it was still terrifying, and I recited ‘Invictus’ over and over in my head to help get through it. ‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.’” He grinned. “Strong words for a man who might get blotted out by a bomb at any moment.”

“Well, of course. In such times you need strong words.”

One evening, in one particularly warm motel room, Gennady rolled up his sleeves to his elbows. They had been chatting for some time when Daniel put his hand on Gennady’s bare forearm, emphasizing some point that he made, which Gennady couldn’t remember afterward because when Daniel touched him, he froze, mentally even more so than physically.

It was a brief touch, just a second perhaps or even shorter, and after Daniel took his hand away Gennady wanted it back. If that was all he was going to do, after all, that was pleasant, and it had been a long time since someone touched him – since someone he wanted to touch him had touched him.

He had heard once a rumor that Stalin used to make his Politburo members waltz with each other, and he wondered about this sometimes: if it was purely terrible, to waltz with another man while Stalin laughed at you, or if they found a kind of comfort in it, if it was good to be close to another person even though it was only for Stalin’s amusement, and even if you know that your dancing partner would denounce you the next day as a counterrevolutionary spy if the Party demanded it, and you would do the same to him.

Perhaps under those circumstances you could only be close to someone if Stalin made you do it.

Gennady tucked his elbows under his body and lay down on his arms, like a Sphinx.

“Tell me,” said Daniel. “Did you leave a girl behind in Moscow?”

“Yes,” said Gennady.

But he didn’t want to talk about Galya. When Arkady began bothering him, Gennady had put a lid on all that part of his life, everything to do with love and sex – like trapping lobsters in a boiling pot of water, and although the lobsters must be well and truly dead by now, he didn’t want to lift the lid and look at their corpses.

“She’s probably moved on by now,” Gennady said.

“You don’t think she’s waiting for you?” Daniel sounded startled.

“No, no.” She had stopped writing him when he didn’t answer her first few letters. “All this waiting around for people is a waste of time,” Gennady said. “We’re all basically replaceable people, after all, she should find someone close by.” Daniel regarded him curiously, and so Gennady went on the attack: “What about you? Do you have a girl back home?”

“Not right now. The job has kept me on the road so much…”

“A girl in every port, then,” Gennady teased.

“No, no.” To Gennady’s surprise – he would not have expected it from a man of the world – Daniel flushed. “What the hell kind of picture does that Soviet dossier paint of me?” Gennady widened his eyes with false innocence – what dossier? – and Daniel said, “Come off it, Matskevitch. I saw a dossier on you, so I’m sure you saw one about me.”

There was no safe answer to this statement, so Gennady didn’t say anything. At length Daniel let it go with a sigh. “My last steady girlfriend was Janet,” he said. “We were dating while I was at the FBI Academy a couple of years ago.”

“And then?”

“And then I got sent into the field, and she wanted a boyfriend who was home more than once every six months, so we broke up.”

Gennady smiled. Daniel hit him with a pillow. 

“That doesn’t mean people are replaceable,” he said. “It’s just that Janet and I weren’t really in love, that’s all. We liked each other a lot and had a good time together, but when it got tough, we didn’t care enough to make it work. If we had loved each other, it would have been different.”

“Do you believe such a love exists?”

Daniel looked at him strangely. “That’s what love is. The will to be together despite obstacles.” 

Gennady shook his head. “Bourgeois romanticism.”

“How would you define love, then?”

“A pretty word for the sexual instinct. A way to deflect the masses’ attention from the misery of their lives by feeding them up on heightened emotions and focusing their hopes of future happiness on sexual passions.”

Daniel laughed.

“What? Why is that funny?”

“You sound like the movie parody of a Communist,” Daniel said. 

Gennady sat up, furious. “Well, you sound like a typical brainwashed capitalist,” he said. “How can you believe in love at your age? A teenager can believe it perhaps, but once first love is past then you know that these things never last forever, and all those heightened feelings were just a illusion built up to obscure the fact that you just wanted to fuck.”

Daniel twitched like a prudish maiden aunt at the word fuck.

“I have noticed that Americans are obsessed with the idea of Communist brainwashing,” Gennady added, “but I think this obsession is because you know in your hearts that your own Hollywood is brainwashing you to believe that love is all you need for happiness.”

Daniel didn’t reply. Gennady’s anger, deprived of fuel, lapsed, and he lay down again, resting his head on his crossed arms.

“Well, I don’t agree,” Daniel said at last. “But that just shows the brainwashing is working, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, I suppose,” Gennady said. “You shouldn’t listen to me too much,” he advised. “You’ll be happier if you stay brainwashed.”

“Well, thanks,” Daniel said, and now he was laughing again. “That’s the key to happiness, is it?”

“Delusion?” Gennady said. “Yes.”

“You don’t believe that ‘The truth shall set ye free’?”

“We are talking about happiness, not freedom,” Gennady objected. 

Another pause. “I suppose I always thought they went together,” Daniel admitted.

Gennady thought that was also very American. But all in all it seemed like dangerous topic, so he changed the subject: “Did you have Fourth of July celebrations in your town?”

He had arrived in the United States too late for the celebrations, and listened enviously as Sergeyich described the fireworks and the parades – “Not as good as we have in Moscow for May Day, of course. But worth seeing! Very different!”

“Of course,” Daniel said. “Every town has them. I played the trumpet with the high school marching band and we marched in the parade every year. Boy, did it get hot in those band uniforms…”

Daniel talked on for a while. Gennady rested his head on his crossed arms, listening contentedly, his eyes drifting shut as the sleepy heat of the radiator suffused the room. He roused from his doze when Daniel poked his shoulder. “Matskevitch,” he said, “don’t you think you’d better sleep in your own bed?”

“No,” Gennady mumbled sleepily.

“I think you’d better,” Daniel said, giving his shoulder a shove. Gennady crawled over him, on the grounds that this was the most direct route to the other bed, and catapulted over the space between the two beds when Daniel shoved him again, and landed with a bounce. He sat up, newly exhilarated, and Daniel laughed at him again, and clicked off the lamp. “Go to sleep!” he ordered. 

***

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