#// so many emotions.... so deep....
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queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎
I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers#twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers#twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers#coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate#and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much#legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening#i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all#so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!!#i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early...#not to mention everyone's dreams?!#i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through#and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems#but i am excited to see everyone regardless!#and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know.#i do but do i want to.#man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was#what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there#lilia: here silver i made dinner :)#silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD#ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it#come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great
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ok so who's writing the fanfic where Doug Meat and an unwilling Kingskin co-parent this random teen girl who absolutely should be nowhere near a comically evil crime ring and end up fundamentally changed by the process and falling in love
#am i gonna have to do this myself??#nsbu#doug meat#d20 nsbu#kingskin#liv skyler#meatskin#i hate that the ship name is meatskin#anyways i'm feral over the concept of Kingskin begrudgingly having to be Liv's guardian#just assigning some rando bodyguard to her so she doesn't get merc-ed and Doug being the sweetheart he is#Let Liv look at these two grown men interact and just realize with deep exhaustion that they're never gonna look inwards#and realize they're madly in love unless she says something abt it#she and doug can chat but i still have so many emotions abt her and kingskin interacting#they're everything 2 me#never stop blowing up
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ahhhh yes. mal du pays my beloved.
#isat#in stars and time#mal du pays#isat spoilers#technically#anyways this is a super specific thing to my thoughts but the basic idea is that i have a lot of headcanons about sif being a system#for a lotta reasons really. projection and source memories are a large one#ive named mal du pays lucius in my brain because its a common name in guadeloupe I THINK and well. thats the original insp for the island#its up to interpretation now buuuuuuut.....ya know. anyways i have many thoughts on sif system and lucius in particular#being what feels like a manifestation of all their negative emotions and symptoms#BUT BUT BUT#i also imagine theyre the first which is why their name is lucius to me. og host. sif is the split turned host. teehee#so naturally deep down they have a lot of their connection to the island#soooooooo. feelings ensue. yadda yadda i am typing too much#im so normal
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started listening to tetro dr pink a few weeks ago and by god i've fallen in love with the characters so have my first offering: some of the girls + okazaki and wada, colored while fearing friday drops
#tetro danganronpa pink#tetro danganronpa#isono miki#okazaki hanano#wada masanari#sasaki hitomi#hayashi mai#didn't ever expect to get deep into a fangan ngl but it's s tier#some really incredible vaing and writing. i recommend if you like severe emotional damage#heads up: while it handles topics respectfully it does have many cws so check those first on its tumblr#but yeah i'm genuinely pretty happy w how this turned out. esp isono and wada!
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Thank you Robert Aramayo for being a better person than the entire internet. It was a beautiful scene and you and Morfydd handled it perfectly 💚
#tropspoilers#Robert Aramayo#Morfydd Clark#Prepares to be cancelled in 10 9 8...#I love it guys sorry#I always thought that scene would be a goodbye from the short trailer clip we got#I even made a post about it#Emotional beautiful scene in an epic episode#I'm still so overwhelmed by it but wanna make some GIFs and stuff#But also for my mental health am looking at the net from an arms length right now#As I don't want anything bringing me down#Trop is my light#Love you guys and I loved the scene and the entire ep#LOTR has always showcased deep kinds of love#Many which are not romantic#And this is a perfect example#They love each other so much and have such a special bond#I really wish I could tell Robert irl because this cast gets too much shit from haters#And often actual Tolkien fans too#Please let rings of power exist in its own right and it's own space#If you disagree it's fine but I just can't be dishonest about how I feel
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"jaehaerys' head being sawed off was propaganda against our mary sue saint rhaenyra the just" wow. just wow. i don't even know what to say anymore. someone put a hit out on this guy.
#im feeling many emotions of deep hatred and revulsion so i can't put my thoughts down. either way God please k!ll this man#anti hotd#hotd#hotd critical#anti rhaenyra#anti rhaenyra targaryen#anti daemon targaryen#anti team black#pro team green#condal do the world a favor and k.ll yourself#forget the if they search the seven hells mayhaps scene from ever happening yall 😹#bakma bana
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Sad Boy Hours: Billy Batson
He's trying so hard to get the screaming adults in the room to just stop screaming at each other and be reasonable.
He is immediately dismissed and storms off, justifiably insulted.
And Billy goes right back to blaming himself, trying to figure out where he went wrong, how he could have fixed things, managed the emotions of the room better--even though he is 100% correct and the adults are absolutely failing, and badly.
"Even if he's wrong...I should respect him." Honey, the thing that's eating at you is the absolute dogshit way they act and then expect you to just accept as normal. These grown-ass heroes should not be hitting each other.
And a degree, honey. Several of them.
He sounds like a teacher trying to get the class to behave and that script keeps failing him. Over and over the adults around him dismiss him for his optimism, ignore his calls for reason. And they're heroes. They're the good guys and they tear into each other regularly and viciously. And Billy is fifteen years old in a room of adults screaming at each other. The team is sometimes down right abusive, and this child is trying to keep them from falling apart.
I worry about him, ya know?
(anyway, thank you for coming to my Sad Boy Hours)
#justice league 80s#jli#justice league international#billy batson#shazam#dc captain marvel#i found so many moments of billy being an absolute sweetie pie and trying desperately to get people to get along#it kinda breaks my heart a little because he's just 15 and these are Grown Ass Adults in the MOST hostile work environment#i got a LOT of feelings about the Emotional Support Child#possibly eldest daughter syndrome but all the kids are older than you and y'all have no parents#he's literally a child soldier#kind of inspired by a fic i read the other day#and just watching billy get emotional slapped around because he Cares#sad boy hours#when the most mature person on the team is the only one who hasn't finished puberty#and i get this is kinda the joke but the sad boy hours got me so#ANGST#“its not that deep” IT IS TO ME
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i saw the tv glow is legitimately one of the stupidest, most tryhard movies i've ever seen in my entire life. absolute dogshit. and everyone is pretending it's the most lifechanging thing they've ever seen LOL give me a break! the gall to claim this is inspired by fucking DAVID LYNCH??? i can't
#fake 'deep' shit for ppl who watch steven universe every day#i truly didnt relate to anything onscreen despite it being sooo aimed at me in so many ways.#i'm also convinced the director is racist and ofc after reading hundreds of reviews. Not One mentions#the main character's race or the alienation of being mixed......... um.#i think people are getting Very Very Dumb overall.#and it;s no coincidence that prior to being embraced by actual trans ppl all i saw was a million NON TRANS ppl falling all over themselves#to be like OOOOOMGGGGG THIS IS THEEEEEEEE TRANS EXPERIENCE COMMITTED TO FILM!!!!1!!!#like god thank you so much for speaking on something you know nothing about !!!! <3#anyway the movie glorifies suicide more than pretty much anything ive ever heard of (including 13 reasons why)#and paints transness as Killing the Old Self. what a bleak and brutal thing to put onscreen and then CLAIM IS POSITIVE????#if this is aimed at kids (not sure if it rly is but it certainly would appeal to them and has the emotional maturity of a 14 yr old) then#its 100% going to inspire suicidal or self-injurious behavior. and it's insane and reckless as a filmmaker to craft this supposedly hauntin#and supposedly beautiful narrative where THE most important step is FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF. it's self hatred at the deepest level.#if anyone wants to shit talk this director with me lmk because that Worlds Fair movie is also some of the worst TRASH ive ever watched!!!#Amy Nicholson was spot-on abt it as always tho so i was vindicated by that
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Part 3 of the Linked Universe Winged Au! As requested, this time around we got our favorite wolf man, Twilight!
<<< Previous Next >>>
Did you know that Ravens are actually oftentimes called Wolf Birds? This is because Ravens are known for their symbiotic relationship with wolves! Ravens typically help guide wolves to meals and get to eat as well in return. They are also known to "adopt" wolves and even play with them as they grow up.
Anyways, it should be pretty obvious why Twilight is a Raven in my headcanon. Mainly because of the irony of the wolf man now being a wolf bird, but also because I believe that the typical Raven behaviors and characteristics fit his character as a whole.
Throughout Twilight Princess, he is shown to be very good with children to the point where the people in Ordon Village all practically adopt him and he becomes a big brother figure for their children in return. In the Linked Universe, he often looks out for all of his fellow Links in a big brother-like fashion regardless of if they are older or younger than him. So while Twilight may or may not be able to turn into a wolf in this au, I headcanon that everyone he connects and forms bonds with become his "wolves" that he watches over just as any other Raven would.
As far as physical characteristics and flying abilities, I believe that Twilight is pretty decent! Ravens are known to be excellent acrobatic flyers and are actually deceptively fast compared to other birds. On top of that, Ravens are known for being able to fly about 100 miles a day! So while Twilight isn't as talented in the sky as well...Sky, he is still a very good flier and is definitely one of the best in the group.
Anyways, that was a short summary of Twilight's lore for this Winged Au! Kudos to those who read it all! As requested, coming up next will be our favorite little shorty, Four!
As always, let me know if you have any requests for who or what you would like to see! Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement!
#my art#winged au#LUWAU#Linked Universe: Winged Au#loz#linkeduniverse#linked universe#lu twilight#loz link#I would like to personally thank Wild Kratts and Google for giving me so many fun bird facts#What would I do without them honestly#I'll be honest I'm pretty proud of this lore I came up with for Twilight#I honestly just picked raven as a joke cause I googled “wolf bird” and there was actually a result#and also cause as my friend Nightlight-jpeg would say “it fits his emo aesthetic”#but then my brain turned this joke into some deep emotional meaningful lore and I don't even know how it happened#I think the spirit of Twilight possessed me honestly that's the only explanation
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Fic-to-Art #39: Gladiator's ELEVENTH Anniversary! (+ BONUS: Fic-to-Art #36...)
And here we are! March 26th arrived and I did not forget about it, but I paid for my ambitious madness with my wrist and forearm. Somehow, I finished my intended pieces on time, but I do not advise that you ever try to make 9 artworks in 3 days. No, sir. Bad life decisions, that's what that was... but this fic, as anyone knows, moves me to do things I never thought possible, starting with writing the fic itself!
It's really crazy every time it hits me that I've been doing this for as long as I have. It's been a complicated, chaotic journey, with its many ups and downs, but ultimately, it has been our journey. For some people, this is just one more fic in the pile: for me, it's been the best adventure of my life so far. Everyone who has ever been touched by Gladiator, who has ever cherished this story, who's looking forward to the big conclusion, who wants to see how the chaotic war is going to end... you're all part of this crazy adventure along with me, and I can only thank you for joining me.
This year, I had no time to make as big a project as I usually go for. Thus, I did a sort of free-for-all edition of Fic-to-Art over at Patreon and challenged myself to draw as many scenes as I could, out of their suggestions. I even sprinkled in a few scenes I impulsively wanted to draw because I loved writing them or because I look forward to writing them... and this is the result!
In order, the scenes are as follow:
Sokka combing Azula's hair, a common occurrence throughout the story.
Azula watching over a convalescing Sokka in the Chase of Jeong Jeong arc.
The outcome of Sokka's final battle in the Superior Gladiator League, namely a moment where Sokka and Azula more or less gave away their relationship's true nature to the public by raising their hands towards each other...
And now, spoiler territory! Some were by my choice, some by Patreon requests:
An important moment shortly after Sokka and Azula reunite.
Azula confronting her father, with a LOT of backup.
Xin Long's long-awaited freedom.
The aftermath of the final battle.
The full-blown confirmation of their relationship to the general Fire Nation populace.
Sokka, Azula and Hotaru's first night together
And the big final one is ACTUALLY Fic-to-Art #36 but hahaha woops I didn't post it here on time because it was super hard to finish since I had a LOT of things going on... but here it is now! :'D it's a glimpse VERY far into the future of this fic's timeline!
Alright, that should be enough talking and explaining. Some things are vague, some things aren't, but ultimately I really hope you guys will be looking forward to the scenes you haven't seen yet, and to Gladiator's eventual outcome.
So now... with all this being said and done, I'm gonna go take a trip down memory lane and watch my Tenth Anniversary video once more! Feel free to do the same thing if you'd like to commemorate the fic, I think it's a good way to experience Gladiator all over again, hahaha.
Thank you if you read all this, and if you read all THAT: 5 million word landmark, here we come! Thanks for hanging out with me across ELEVEN years of Gladiator!
#sokkla#sokka#azula#gladiator#fic-to-art project#zuko#aang#katara#rui shi#fei li#tai wei#and a rando#yes that guy is a rando he's there to symbolize all the randos in that scene#do not look too deep into it it isn't deep at all hahahahahaha#Xin Long continues to be the bane of my existence I love him I hate drawing him#I don't know if he's good enough but I hope the emotional punch of THAT MOMENT#is enough to make up for any flaws ahahahaha welp#... also yes I'm not even sorry this was my excuse to go wild drawing as much Sokkla as I could#and my patrons were so damn nice to give me so many excuses to do just that!#how could I refuse? :'D#anyway I really hope you guys enjoy#the new pieces are glazed#nightshade killed itself when I asked it to work with them#I got annoyed and left it as it was#the last one did get both things#OKAY! DONE!#I HAVE AN HOUR AND A HALF LEFT OF ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION IN THIS TIMEZONE#Seyary out (?)
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-> Toshiro & Erina/Eri + parallels (1 2)
#persona 5#persona 5 tactica#p5t spoilers#toshiro kasukabe#erina#eri natsuhara#IM BACK!! there’s just SO MANY PARALLELS BETWEEN THEM!! its so intentional and so emotional…#thanks for the love on the first gifset im glad you all understood… my love for this game runs deep <3#feel like that starwars meme. MORE!!! MORE!!!!#❤️❤️
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I need you to understand I can’t fall back into my spn/destiel phase please.
#you guys I read so many fanfics#I was hit with the#emotional damage#supernatural#spn#destiel#I think I am falling off the deep end now
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back from the dead (snort)
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WAIT WAIT ARE YOU TELLING ME DEMETER HAS AN EPITHET REFERENCING VENGENFUL FURIES?! WAHT??? >:D!?!
asdfghjkl thank you! really glad u like her lol shes becoming my favouritest to doodle lol. also not at all! i really love that you kept the aspect of her grief that so many are keen to twist to villainise her or erase completely to invalidate her. both are awful imo
heres a quote from le ask (soon i promise 😭😂): "Demeter and Persephone share a strong bond compared to the other gods. After Persephones "death" Demeter was never really the same. Demeter relives the painful cycle annually, and carries a deep rooted bitterness toward the other gods for it."
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i actually think its hilarious and awesome to see that demeter can be herself with those shes close with (one of my favourite things in characterisations is when you have what seems to be a stern and serious presenting person breaking character at a dumb or inappropriate joke or something to that affect, it kills me everytime its so funny!)
anyway demeter is NOT not be confused with gaia (my girl knows how to have fun lol). but much like the rest of us shes got issues to work with and experiences to heal and grow from *finger guns*. 10/10 i think u did her justice. so much so i drew this for u hehe
under no cicumstances should she meet micheal scott lmao. humanity will never hear the end of "thats what _ said" jokes. ever.
her hair is lime green btw the light is making her blonde :/
#absolutely more demeter and persephone content when i get to it lol#(im so sorry it sounds like im hyping it up im not i swear XD)#but i have so many thoughts abt the three of them specifically#theres honestly not enough demeter and persephone fluff out there. i need the wholesome mother daughter love and friendship#read the three versions of sephs abduction on theoi a while back and aside from the writing being beautiful and emotional#(or im just a sucker for homeric language lol)#it really delivered the anguish & pain. honestly she was really sensible about it too (eveyrthing will be forgotten just bring her home)#then when she was refused her grief did what no mortal nor diety thought possible#thats motherly (and parental really) love right there#NEED IT#but i also enjoy them being little shits XD#anyway#demeter#they could never make me hate you#fun fact she had deep red hair at first but looked like poison ivy too much so i changed it to green lol#astron#astral train#my art#i have no self restraint#send help#will probably come back later tonight for whats in my drafts already
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Please tell me about art and media you know of that accurately captures the weirdness of dream logic and atmosphere and emotions... books and movies and video games and art and comics and YouTube stuff, whatever you want... you know, where it only makes sense on an intuitive level and falls apart when you try to explain it...
#im trying to think of examples#a great one is mullholland drive by david lynch#also actually some of david firth's (salad fingers guy's) sock series animations did that so well for me back in the day#like you know where something or someone or a place can be two things at the same time in the dream?#and how something weird and silly can have the strongest serious emotions attached to it#and how stories within stories happen#eternal sunshine of the spotless mind#was good w these vibes#silent hill 2 as well and sort of majora's mask#the book orlando#actually you know what i just rewatched a bunch of david firth's cartoons and Pulch: The Good Times is actually a better dreamlike one#than some of his dream series to me somehow#the way it has this wistful tragic nostalgic nonsense vibe that like you'd probably find deep and sad while having the dream#but upon waking it both makes no sense and seems stupid and funny instead if you were to try to explain it#also the nightmarish one about soup or wtv#when the little person gets all upset about her soup being stolen hahaha and then the creepy guy goes 'you forgot your hammer'#anywayssss#many of these things have stuck in my head since like 2007 or wtv idk theyre just fun#Sock 4: Sock Lops is good for the weird narrative jumping dream logic vibes#if you can stand to watch that much 2000s newgrounds edgy animation in this day and age...#p
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Images are from the licensed comics, which I’ve appropriated with zero regard for context. (That’s not even Garak down there, but shhh.) Both are from panels that were posted by @theghoulettes & @lady-sci-fi respectively.
Despite my love of punky grunge 90’s aesthetics, this is not a very punky or grunge playlist, it’s more like… EDM depression rock? What are music genres anyway? Vibe was meant to be “bad breakup where Garak and Bashir never see each other again and live forever with lots of regrets about what could have been”. Because that’s just a really fun concept, y’know?
Text song list under the cut.
End of the Line - A Bad End Garak/Bashir Playlist.
When You Were Mine // Night Terrors of 1927 (feat. Sara & Tegan)
I Won’t Believe // Wolfensheim
Can’t Have You // Parade of Lights
Give Us What We Need (Truth Is Not The Key) // Peter Heppner
Like a River Runs // Bleachers
You // Coasts
Out Of Mind // Magic Man
Memory // Parade Of Lights
Fix This // The Colourist
Start A Riot // BANNERS
Textless version of the quick graphic edit.
#garak/bashir#garak x bashir#garakbashir#garashir#elim garak#julian bashir#star trek#star trek ds9#deep space 9#ds9#playlists#music#.this happened bc my general Garashir playlist is too many different genres and emotions all at once.#.so I had to move all the “they didn’t work out” songs to a separate playlist.#.title is in emojis because that’s how I separate my youtube video vs music playlists sorry.#.I realise they might be annoying for screenreaders whoops.#.anyway come cry with me please.
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and then i breathed
(a/n): AND SO I JUST STARTED TYPING (enter danny devito meme). basically, i started with an idea for this and couldn't help but keep writing so please enjoy!! serving up a nice view of kennedy x bucky in the stalag because that's where we really see the most development from them, more than anything. and to say the least, i am majorly misty-eyed over this and especially kennedy's character. when first developing her character, i didn't realize how much she'd develop up until this point and i am absolutely loving every bit of her in this angsty, hurt/comfort perspective. and of course, bucky makes the perfect person to put opposite her in so many ways. someone who equals her in humor and dialogue. i sincerely hope you all enjoy - this is almost a love letter to the kennedy x bucky girlies. thank you!! :D
The sound of the plane breaking in half had hit her like a slap in the face.
She remembered the sound so vividly that when the silence consumed her, her mind became overwhelmed by that very sound - the intrepid ripping of metal straight in half as she launched herself out of the belly of the plane, pulling the cord on her parachute, swinging through the war-torn sky alive with flak, enemy fighters and bullets, dangling out in the air, half-hoping something killed her right then and there.
She could hardly remember the feeling - landing in the middle of Germany, mind an absolute wreck, looking around for signs of Lieutenant Bradshaw or Lieutenant Carlisle or even some of the boys who'd been deposited into Silver Bullets after the 100th had run thin and they'd split the girls up.
Jenkins, their co-pilot, Hefner, their bombardier, Thillburn, their radio ops, or their turret ball gunner, Stalinker, their other waist gunner, Klinger, and tail gunner, Gronkowski.
None of them had shown.
She was half-hoping Margie was somewhere nearby, but had come up empty-handed.
She remembered the words that had come through the comms when Lieutenant Bradshaw had said they needed to bail out.
The ringing of that fucking bell.
The sound still wrung around in her head when she wasn't doing something to keep her mind distracted. She remembered it like a stop-motion picture. Flashes of moments that she wasn't sure were even real, but were true enough that her body reacted in ways she couldn't explain.
She watched herself stand in the belly of the plane, pulling the wounded Thillburn over, and attempting to wrap his crooked arm that was knocked into the worst possible position, the blood coating his shoulder and chest, soaking through his coat and covering her hands in a sticky mess.
She remembered him yelling, his words clouded by fear, nothing but a blank thought in her mind - what had he been yelling? What had he been trying to tell her? Were those his last moments of human contact before she helped to plunge him out of the plane? Was he alive? She'd known the kid for a few weeks, with only a few missions run alongside him, but had he been dropped out of that plane and lived? He had family back home, he had a life, a girlfriend he'd been writing to. Was he alive?
The look in his eyes sometimes came back to her a night, when she settled into her bunk and stared up at the wooden ceiling; it came back like a bad dream each night. His eyes boring into hers, begging to keep him alive. The thought made her skin crawl, it made her heart race, it made her want to lose it, trapped in this stupid excuse of a camp.
"You gotta stay with me, Thillburn!" Kennedy had yelled, her throat hoarse practically, her hands slick with blood as Thillburn writhed there on the ground, the whole plane creaking and screaming through the air, parts flying off and exploding off behind them, the yelling in her comms enough to make her vomit, the bell ringing overhead, the entire plane contorting and spinning through the air like the nightmare it had been. Over and over. Thillburn screaming.
Jenkins yelling to bail out, his form appearing in front of Kennedy, as he pointed and yelled to the opening. Her wide eyes filled with terror as she watched Jenkins pull Stalinker up from the ball turret, half-dead on his feet, blood dripping down his face, a giant piece of flak hanging out from his chest.
Kennedy remembered looking up and seeing Lieutenant Bradshaw dropping down from the cockpit, landing with such precision and calculated gusto, that Kennedy was sure that only force on the plane that had kept her level-headed in that moment was seeing Lieutenant Bradshaw come towards the group and calmly manage the situation.
Moving the frantic Jenkins towards the opening and telling him to go, hastily removing tags from Stalinker, and helping Kennedy to guide the flailing Thillburn to the belly of the plane to drop out.
Kennedy remembered the look in Annie's eyes; fear bathed in absolute horror and uncertainty - yet shoving it aside for the crew. To uphold command pilot the best she could. Kennedy remembered hearing Thillburn screaming for her as he went flying out of the plane, like a rag doll in his parachute begging for mercy.
"Kennedy!" he had screamed out into the open air, "Kennedy!"
And that's when she shot awake, her whole body in a damn-near paralysis, as her eyes locked on the wooden bunk above her, the sudden realization of the silence succumbing around her and where she was, along with the pounding of the blood in her ears, racing - over and over.
Slowly, she shifted her gaze away from the top of the bunk and towards the tiny room, all the members of the 100th that were there, completely and entirely asleep. It brought her a slice of comfort to see Lieutenant Bradshaw curled up on the bunk beside Captain Brady, her tiny bit of dirty-blonde hair hardly visible with the current hold Brady had on her there.
Annie put out so much for Silver Bullets that having her safe there in the arms of someone who would lay down his life for her, was a comfort. She could see the laden forms of Major Cleven, Bessie, Crank, Murphy, and Hambone around the place, along with Benny who was in the bunk above Margie, who nearly lay on death's doorstep on a bad day. Days of her current state had left her barely alive, but she was slowly improving.
Slowly, Kennedy brought her gaze towards the window and felt her heart nearly launch out of her chest. Bucky Egan was stood there by the window, his form unmoving, and his head slightly hung downward, his hair looking as if he had tried to get it into some sort of conformed place, but had failed. He looked so much more….quiet, in this light. Where he looked as if he was the only person awake in the room, trying to come to terms with whatever the hell they were currently in. His broad shoulders were still pronounced and held high, but there was something distant and withdrawn about his form that she was sure if she kept staring, he'd fade to black.
"You okay?" Kennedy locked her eyes on his form by the window and swallowed, "I know you're awake, Farley." Kennedy slowly reached her hand up to her chest, attempting to calm her racing heart and keep quiet. She felt if she tried to talk to him now, her heart would pound out of her chest fully and her words would get clogged in her throat enough to make her physically sick. And Bucky would see right through her like she was glass. In the cover of night, she let her walls down for herself and she didn't want another soul to have to see her like that. Broken and vulnerable and cracked all over. Bucky didn't need that. None of them did.
"You were mumbling in your sleep." Bucky whispered quietly again from the window and she heard him shift a bit, like he was moving his weight from one side to the next by the window, his voice still muffled - he wasn't looking at her. Kennedy swallowed.
"Bad dream." she whispered out, her voice unsteady, "I'm fine." She heard Bucky let out a quiet puff of air that sounded a bit like a breathy laugh, but she didn't bother. It seemed by this point, despite all efforts, Bucky could read her like an open book whenever he pleased.
"You sure?"
"Positive." Kennedy answered back, softly and quickly, an uncontrollable pinprick of a smile on her lips, "You get that sorta stuff in your mind with the shit we've all been through." She was playing it off, she was trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal - even if she could still hear the bail-out bell ringing in her mind. Over and over. Again and again.
"What was in it?" Bucky asked her, a genuine softness to his voice that made her heart give a dull pound, "Your dream?"
"Nothing." Kennedy said quickly, louder than she wanted - she heard someone shift on a bunk across the room a bit. She blinked a few times as her heart began to race.
For a moment, lying in that bunk, with the only person awake in that room being Bucky, she wanted nothing more than to be standing beside him, reveling in his presence and his body heat and his tall form, telling him everything in that dream and letting him tell her they were fine, that things would be okay, that in a way, it wasn't real. Even though it was. But she felt glued to that bunk. Frozen.
"Nothing?" Bucky said, a hint of a smile on his lips - she could always tell when he was smiling through his words and she couldn't see him. His voice became a bit deeper, and a bit lighter all at once, with a slight hint of surprise and hidden joy he didn't want you seeing. But she heard it every time. "Nothing at all, huh?"
"Serious." Kennedy offered back, "I'd tell you if it was bad. I'm fine." Bucky let out a soft laugh as she continued staring at the top bunk, her mind slowly crumbling into shambles. She wanted to be there beside him, she wanted some form of comfort that wasn't a wooden bunk and the bitter cold. She wanted him.
"C'mere, Farley." Kennedy slowly turned her head and found Bucky, for the first time, looking right towards her bunk, his eyes glowing a bit more in the darkness, reminding her, surprisingly, of Frank, Marianne's cat back on base. Watching her with that look in his gaze that drew her in enough to want to get up from the bunk.
Kennedy slowly shifted, and pulled her long legs over the edge of the bunk, before letting her feet slide to the ground. She stood there for a moment before turning to him and taking quiet steps towards his figure there against the window.
As she approached him, in this sudden quiet atmosphere, where it was just the two of them for once, not another soul awake, she felt every inch of his gaze on her. The moonlight outside reflected the side of his shadowed face enough for her to see that sad, far-off look in his eyes, and the hint of a hollow smile on his lips.
"What?" she asked him, regretting that she could get nothing better to come to mind when she was suddenly stood by his side. She watched Bucky grin at her in the darkness, from right there beside her and looked out the small window again and nodded.
"First time you see the stars out here?" She followed his line of sight and looked out the dusty window pane and, for the first time, just as he had stated, saw the stars. Glowing, twinkling there above them, ever-present and shining just as brightly as they had when she was a small child back home in Boston, staring up at them at night, praying for the future. For a moment, the world went still and she was that young girl again looking at the stars.
"Yeah, actually." she whispered back to him, looking up at the dark sky, before slowly glancing over at him, his full face illuminated in moonlight. For the first time, up-close, she got a good look at the scars on his face, underneath his eyes, the bruising (which was finally, slowly fading) and the way his eyes seemed more sunken in than she remembered. She swallowed.
"How long have you been awake?" she asked him quietly, watching as the corner of his lip curled upwards at her voice.
"Long enough." he whispered, and then shrugged, "Happens nightly. Don't get as much sleep as I want. Half the time, I stay awake because I don't need one of those German fuckers coming in here and pulling some shit." Kennedy stared at him, her heart pounding at the way his jaw had clenched and his eyes had gone dark.
"Nightly?" she asked him, resisting the urge to reach out and tenderly touch that face of his and tuck him into bed. These boys pushed themselves to the edge, it was no wonder all the girls were acting the way they were with these boys out here. They had no one but each other and youth brought a sense of maternal instinct to them all half the time.
"Yeah," Bucky said quietly, before glancing over at her, his eyes big like a puppy-dogs, "it's why I knew you were awake. You stopped breathing heavy - you hear that sorta stuff when you can't sleep at night." Kennedy watched him, her eyes flicking between his eyes and those scars on his face and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to wrap him in her arms and tell him in some way the world would be okay again.
"You've been up every night since you got here?" Kennedy asked him softly, "Bucky…." Bucky let out a soft chuckle and shook his head before looking at her.
"Kenny, it's fine." he said quietly as he leaned towards her slowly, that little nickname Judy usually called her rolling off his tongue with ease - it was always Farley, always, always Farley, what was this? "Never been better. Hey, I'd tell you if it was getting bad, alright?" Kennedy watched him sling her words right back at her and sighed slightly, her worry rising to levels she wasn't sure had been possible.
"So," Bucky said, glancing back out the window they were leaned up against, smiling slightly, "what was going on in that dream of yours?" Kennedy sighed and she heard Bucky laugh quietly.
"Are you seriously going to keep asking me that?" she managed out back to him, as quiet as she could.
"Maybe." he said with a humorous tone to his voice, "You get all passionate when I piss you off, so, maybe."
"I really wonder what goes through your head sometimes." Kennedy whispered back, with a slight bit of teasing in her voice, before she felt reality wash over her and she couldn't help but look to him again, regaining that feeling of wanting some sort of comfort. She couldn't work out the feeling of her nightmares, or that feeling of being alone in that bunk and trying to fight off her mind - it was making her go crazy.
"You wanna know?" Bucky asked her, gently nudging her shoulder, his voice suddenly more serious than she'd heard it ever before, sending her a quiet smile, "I'll tell ya." She watched him, her eyes unable to turn from his in a way that made her eyes glued to his.
"I'm really fucking scared of the way this place'll change me." he told her quietly, that smile on his face fighting to stay on his lips, like a part of him was trying to convince himself that he wasn't scared, that this wasn't what he was feeling, that this wasn't the reality, "That I won't ever get back to the person I was before getting dropped in here like a sack of potatoes." He let out a weak laugh and leaned against the window pane again, "Fuck." Kennedy watched him slightly from her tilted head and watched as he struggled to keep that smile on his face.
"Keeps me up at night. All this shit." Bucky said again, trying to do some more, further, convincing for himself, to make it all plausible. Kennedy felt so quiet beside him that she was sure she felt like a nuisance because of the fact she was saying nothing. But it felt like Bucky was saying things that he'd bottled up and was now forcing out because of the fact it was spilling over at this point. And he was trying to pull it all back in, but failing.
"You're still Bucky Egan to me." Kennedy said, her voice, for the first time in weeks, firm and confident. She looked over at him, with a nod. "You always will be." Bucky smiled at her, tender and gentle, and nudged her shoulder affectionately.
"Thanks, Kenny." he said quietly and she smiled at him with a nod. Then, both their gazes were set out the window pane again. But Kennedy was itching to say something, to get her voice to work. She felt like she needed to say something else. Almost awkwardly, she reached up to rub behind her neck before glancing at Bucky again.
"I was reliving when the plane got hit." Kennedy said quietly, causing Bucky to look towards her with a mixture of surprise and worry written all over his face, "The dream. It was like I was on the plane again as it went down. As Annie told us to bail. It happens all the time. At night, even when I nap. It's always in my mind. Those final moments." His eyes worriedly washed over her face as she stood beside him, suddenly any sort of stars or moonlight seemingly forgotten about and his focus solely on her.
"Every night?"
"Mostly." she offered, with a nod, "You get used to it. The bail out bell. The plane snapping in half like a toothpick. The screaming." Kennedy shivered, with a nervous smile on her lips.
"You could've woken me up." he offered to her and she shook her head.
"I usually just count back from 100 and then I'm asleep again," she told him quietly, "my mind's usually blank the second time I get myself to sleep anyway." Bucky stood frozen beside her, his body ridged and his eyes hard and narrowed. He slowly nodded, like taking in what she was saying was physically hurting him.
"Thillburn?" he asked her. She must've been mumbling his name on her lips at night. He must be dead.
"Radio ops." she said quietly, "He was half-dead when Annie and I got his parachute on him and got him out. Haven't seen him since."
"What happened to him?" Bucky asked, his voice distant.
"Flak got him…..I think. Came right through the side of the plane." Kennedy managed, as her eyes became misty, "He was begging for me to save him, ya know?" She looked over at Bucky and that moonlight bathing his face and sniffled slightly, before shrugging and looking back down at her fingers, knotted into one another, her thumb rubbing in that same spot over and over when she was worried. She let out a shuddering breath.
"Kennedy, Kennedy, he yelled, over and over. Don't know if I even did anything to save him." Kennedy managed out, "I just hope he landed somewhere…..and if he went, it was peaceful. Ya know?" She looked to Bucky and watched him nod firmly at her - even just seeing him acknowledge her was enough to know in a way that she wasn't crazy deep down. That someone was listening to her and she didn't sound like she was talking out of her ass to him.
"Stalinker. Ball turret gunner," Kennedy offered looking over at Bucky, "must've died on impact. Flak got him." What if that had been Judy, Kennedy thought quietly, feeling her stomach turn.
"Jenkins, our co-pilot. He disappeared somewhere in the clouds." Kennedy said softly, "They were shooting at us after we jumped out. The Germans." Bucky's grip on the window pane made his knuckle turn white and she saw him glance over at her with a stern look in his gaze.
"It just…it lives in my mind. That moment, those 15 minutes of hell," Kennedy said softly, "it's so stupid, but I just can't get it out of mind. Thank God for Annie, hell she was the only stable one of us up there. She's the only reason I'm probably alive."
"Bradshaw's pretty good for that, huh?" Bucky said, his voice more strained than it had been and she nodded as she looked over at him, "She keeps us all going more often than not." Kennedy managed a shaky smile and nodded to him as her eyes welled with tears. He slowly looked towards her and noticed that look in her eyes, nearly quicker than herself and offered her a weak smile.
Bucky didn't take another second though to reach out to her shoulder, closing that small distance between them, rubbing his hand against her shoulder, in circles, over and over, allowing her to catch her breath for a moment, knowing he was right there beside her.
"It's not stupid, Kenny," Bucky said quietly, his thumb brushing against the bare skin on the back of her neck, "you know that. The shit we went through, how we all got here. It was all fucking hell. Thought I was gonna die out there. I'm half-surprised I'm even standing here talking to you now."
"I'm glad you are."
"Thanks, Kenny." She managed a watery smile his way as he smiled weakly back. They watched each other in the quietness for a moment, and she watched as Bucky smiled wider at her, which made her feel safer in that moment more than anything else.
"C'mere, Kenny." he said quietly, pulling with that arm on her shoulder to him. And with how weak and broken she felt, she took that small step between them, and let him pull her into his arms, collapsing into his warm embrace, her face breaking against his chest, as his arms wrapped around her, holding her up against his form.
Kennedy had become pretty good at crying without making a noise, but with each tremor that came from her body, she could hear her silent whimper in the back of her throat that was enough to make her fracture more.
The sound made her think of when she was younger, racing after her brothers on Main Street, unable to catch up to them because she was the youngest sibling and the shortest with the smallest legs. And she'd usually trip and split open her knee and be sobbing her heart out. And then her brothers would come back and coddle her and wrap up her knee with some fabric from one of their shirts and help her back home for her Ma to fuss over.
And soon enough, it happened all the time, and she was able to mask it all. She'd brush off her brothers and her Ma and she toughened up, so she could keep playing.
Eventually it became her way to hide everything from everyone.
But with the way Bucky was holding her, she knew he was looking through her like glass, like he always did.
Kennedy could feel his warm breath from his slow-moving breathing, washing down on top of her as his one hand stayed steady on her lower back and the other lingered between the back of her head and her neck, her unruly hair mused in his fingers as he continued to hold her there. A part of her told her to stand up, move away from his embrace and his arms and him; she was strong enough on her own, she could handle this. But her other half told her to stay there, let him hold her, in the cover of darkness, in the middle of the night - someone was willing to hold her there and not let go. No one had ever been like that towards her, no previous person in her life had been such a way around her.
Holding her in the cover of darkness to try to chase away any sort of nightmare like the ones she always had.
Slowly, she turned her cheek against his chest and listened to the soft pound of his heart in his chest. Her cheeks wet with fresh tears, her eyes itchy and no doubt beet red, she couldn't help but relish the feel of his arms around her - he was so warm, so present, just standing there. It was like the ocean waves had crashed over her, pummeling her down onto the sand, and were finally, slowly receding again, letting her breathe. Kennedy slowly pulled her face from his chest and looked up to search for his eyes again and found him already watching her with that quiet look of his; she attempted to smile.
"I'm sorry if the front of your shirt is wet. It's cold enough as it is," she whispered quietly, her voice sounding like she had been yelling for hours, "thank you, Bucky." Bucky quirked out that lopsided grin of his.
"I don't mind. Honored to have a woman like you wrapped in my arms," he whispered back to her quietly, a small laugh following, "I think we should do this more often." Kennedy sniffled out a small laugh, reaching her hand up to flick his shoulder in her weak attempt at protest that she always did with him. But with the way he was looking at her and holding her, she couldn't keep up their usual banter it seemed and just let him hold her.
"You think?" she whispered back, and then sniffled, smiling slightly, "You tell anyone about this and it's on-sight, alright, Major?"
"Yes, ma'am." he said, his voice low as she let out a small laugh and rolled her eyes at him, not entirely minding the feeling of his gaze on her and hands pressed onto her back. She watched him for a moment, before he cleared his throat.
"Hop in my bunk," he said quietly, "you'll sleep better. I'll be your knight-in-shining-armor or some shit. Fight off the nightmares." Kennedy watched him, her cheeks blazing, her eyebrows rising in surprise.
"Uh…really-"
"Yeah, yeah, seriously," Bucky said, "anyone's got questions, I'll give 'em their answers, alright?" Kennedy watched him.
"And to think you were heckling Annie and Brady because they were doing the same thing-"
"Kenny." Bucky said giving her a look and she couldn't help but chuckle softly.
"I punch sometimes in my sleep." she muttered.
"You can punch me whenever you need."
"Bucky." He let out a small chuckle.
"C'mon." he said softly, nodding his head towards his bunk. It was at least 10 degrees colder when she pulled from his embrace and they slowly trekked over to his bunk. She glanced at him and his tall form beside her and he nodded her on encouragingly. She pulled herself up into the bunk and rolled to the wall-side before shifting a bit and turning her head towards him, watching as he sat down and settled down inside the bunk beside her. He made a quick move of laying the blanket over them, keeping the few inches between them, very much a present and existing thing.
"Get some sleep, Kenny." Bucky whispered softly this time. She was staring up at the wooden ceiling of the bunk above her again and could feel her heart beginning to race. His body heat next to her was a help - with the wall on her other side. She felt comfortably cocooned in for the first time, knowing if the Germans were to come in, Bucky was right there.
Kennedy slowly shifted her head to the right and looked towards Bucky again and found him wide-awake, staring at the ceiling of the bunk above them, too. She couldn't help it. She rolled onto her side and then shifted closer towards him, causing his eyes to meet hers again.
That silent stare down lasted for a solid minute, before she pressed her body up against his side and wrapped her arms around herself before pressing her face against his arm and letting out a sigh, his warmth infiltrating her body and making her feel at peace for once.
And to say it didn't take long for his own arm to lift up and pull her closer, as she quickly snuggled in at his presence wrapped around her body, his touch firm, but gentle, was an understatement.
"Someone likes to cuddle." he whispered to her. She grinned against his ribcage, before sniffling.
"Shut up." she whispered back. He chuckled back.
She could finally breathe.
#the ANGSTTTT#going back to my roots#listen i love a light-hearted piece as much as anyone but#angst is where i truly feel my brain kick in#LMAOOOOO#angst or hurt/comfort or both#it really butters my roll ya know?#kennedy x bucky#kennedy farley#bucky egan#john egan#john egan x oc#silver bullets#masters of the air#mota#mota writings#also....#annie x brady#annie bradshaw hehe#ANNIE U ARE TOO GOOD MY GIRL TOO GOOD!!!!! we all need an annie in our lives <3#kennedy here just really hits me#i myself in her in many ways i wont lie#just wanting to be strong for the ones around her#breaking down when night finally dawns#yeah - that hits me deep and kennedy u beautiful girl deserve only the best#bucky here was a perfect counterpart to this entire spiral of these '15 minutes of hell' that kennedy talks about#brb emotional about these more than anything#kennedy is also so the archer by ts coded send tweet#SOBBING THEM
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