#/ not accepting questions btw i already have them sorry. its complicated

[uo6ep]

Q: Have you tried any other weapons besides the tantō?

[ceasarslegion]

Ive made my stance on oppenheimer discourse very clear but one detail of it that really bothers me is the "movies about sad white men are always bad" attitude, and i didnt really know why until i was able to sit down and parse it out.

Here's the thing. I have a film degree, I've spent more time in movie theaters than I have sleeping and I've easily seen more films and shows than all of my peers combined. Which isn't a flex btw, I'm a little hermit who prefers the warm embrace of a cinema seat to human connection and is the most annoying mfer imaginable during family movie night; don't be like me.

But I know hollywood, I know cinema history, and I know the legitimate frustration this attitude comes from. Hollywood doesn't like to take risks, they have to historically be dragged kicking and screaming into any territory that isn't a guaranteed profit, which usually means that we get periods of stagnation where every film is the same goddamn formula over and over again until audiences get sick of it and stop buying tickets en masse. Hollywood also tends to reflect the dominant culture and the sociopolitical issues of the time, but not SOOO much that you'd rock the boat. As an exec, you wanna hit that sweet spot where audiences relate to your films without them being so blatant that they'd cause them to question things that weren't acceptable to question. Noir was a picture-perfect example of that.

And in the modern day, that DOES tend to translate into the weird genre of Sad White Man Who Regrets Killing Foreigners movies. Like American Sniper. But I've seen American Sniper, so I can speak on how lowkey disturbing I found it, and the history it's based in and the goals it had as an art piece were to make you sympathize with a system of corruption. And here's my unpopular opinion: if done RIGHT, those films still have a place within the cinematic sphere of influence, like if you made a film exploring the psyche and experiences of what leads a man to willingly participate in a system like that, but that's not really what it was.

Now let's move onto Oppenheimer and other films like it. I don't think these films are at ALL equivalent to films like American Sniper, even if they follow a sad white man who regrets killing foreigners. You are looking at the bare bones surface level of it and assuming its contents both real world and dramatized and judging it based on that instead of the, well, actual film.

One of the biggest differences here is that Oppenheimer WAS an important historical figure just, objectively. Even removing all western racial influence from the equation, you can not look me in the eyes and tell me that the man who invented the atomic bomb in the middle of the largest world war of modern history was not an important historical figure. If you try to make THAT argument just based on the sad white man-ness of him, I'm sorry but your point is already moot, because it's not based in historical fact anymore but your own personal subjective feelings. He IS an important historical figure, he's not soldier number 648 in the middle of a massive battlefield who followed other peoples orders.

And also to be completely honest, you are a huge fucking liar if you try to claim that people like Dr. Oppenheimer are not interesting. Flawed people who make flawed decisions with complicated variables are what make for good fiction, so when one exists in the historical record, of course they are going to interest people. They are going to be studied and interviewed if they're still alive and have their entire lives and every word they said picked apart and analyzed because they are interesting. You are straight up lying if you try to act like these people arent interesting enough on their own to have media made about them, regardless of what identity they had that fits into the opposing side of the 21st centure culture wars. This attitude reminds me a lot of the people who claim that the only reason anybody could find true crime interesting is because they MUST want to fuck jeffrey dahmer or whatever. The argument just doesnt hold up because all it takes is one person going "thats not what i find interesting about them" to collapse that entire absolutist argument.

So yes, hollywood absolutely has a racism and war glorification issue. But I take issue when these accusations are just made blindly against any historical dramatization based on nothing but the poster. If you're going to talk about hollywoods sad white men issue, at least make sure the films youre citing actually fit that bill AND that you actually understand whats WRONG with those sad white men movies, because its not just the presence of a sad white male protagonist, its a conglomerate of various sociopolitical issues that must be present within those characters and what they represent.

[wlntrsldler]

you belong with me (d.m one shot!)

“You belong with me” for Draco plz 🥺💚

@scene-awsten said:

you belong with me + fred or draco ( u choose im not picky at all !! ) ur writing is amazing btw <3

-

PROMPT: based on you belong with me by taylor swift (an installment of my taylor swift x harry potter series. to read more about it, click here) Draco doesn’t know how to express his feelings.

WC: 2.8K+

HARRY POTTER MASTERLIST

-

you belong with me (d.m one shot)

You and Draco have a complicated relationship, to say the least. Most days you were at each other’s throats ready to tease each other until one left the room or turned an embarrassing shade of red. He’d reply to your words with a rude remark- which you learned not to take to heart- that leaves you in a fit of laughter because you knew he never really meant it. 

It started out in your first year, when you would try to talk to him, as best as your 11-year old half-blood self could. When you were sorted into Hufflepuff and were placed in the same class as the Slytherins for Defense Against the Dark Arts. You were partnered up with young Draco, who wore a frown on his face when he was separated from his friends in the class. 

You stared at the boy, taking in his appearance. You grew up in the Muggle world, only learning about the Wizarding world in small bits through your father’s stories. You tapped his shoulder, “Hi, I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

Draco furrowed his eyebrows, looking up and down from your face to your outstretched hand. Reluctantly, he shook your hand, “Draco Malfoy.” 

You grinned at him, scooting over to get closer to him. “You look like a barbie doll.” 

“A what?” he asked, looking at you with a grimace. He moved his chair to create more distance between you two, completely defeating the purpose of your move, “What the hell is a barbie doll?” 

“You guys don’t have barbies here?” 

“If it's something from the Muggle world, then no.” Draco scoffed, opening his book to the correct page. “Anything from the Muggle world is inferior to the Wizarding world.” 

“I don’t know,” you replied, oblivious to his obvious jab. “I will say I miss pens and pencils because these quills are just ancient.” 

Draco didn’t talk to you for the rest of the class period, just sneaking side glances at you as you struggled to write with your quill. He rolled his eyes at your cluelessness with all things Wizards and wondered how on earth you got accepted to Hogwarts. I already hate this bloody school, he thought. 

Over the years, you found yourself creating a bond with Draco. Despite his terrible people skills, you seemed to be patient with him, not really taking offense to his words. You would laugh and say something kind to him, throwing him completely off balance. Draco didn’t mean to be rude, you see, he just didn’t know how to talk to people. So he acted like a little boy on the playgrounds, pulling the pigtails of the girl he thought was very pretty. 

Then one day, you returned to Hogwarts and puberty hit you like a truck. Draco almost didn’t recognize you. You walked into the Great Hall, yellow tie proudly around your neck, with your fellow Hufflepuffs. You threw your head back laughing at something Cedric said and having to take a moment before you could say something back.

Draco noticed that your hair grew longer and your features matured over the summer. Your lips were more plump and you sported a natural blush on your cheeks. He gulped, ignoring the banter of Crabbe and Goyle to his left as he watched you take a seat beside Cedric. You noticed his eyes and sent a smile his way, causing the boy to look down at his plate, embarrassed that he was caught staring at you. 

Cedric looked at what got your attention and let out a chuckle to see a flustered Draco, “That boy is so smitten with you, you know that, Y/N? It’s quite funny actually.”

You grinned at Cedric, “How’s that funny?”

“Because he’s crushing on you like a little school girl and it’s funny to see it not returned.”

“Who said I don’t return the feelings?”

He raised an eyebrow at your question, “Do you?”

“Maybe.” 

Draco was both irritated and relieved that he didn’t have classes with you this year. To say that he forgot how to speak when you passed by him, was an understatement. Every time he saw you even walk in his general direction, he would turn around and walk the other way. He didn’t know why but he did. You made him nervous all of a sudden and he didn’t like it one bit. As much as he hated to admit it, he missed your banters. His days seemed very uneventful without them. 

He was walking towards the courtyard when he felt someone grab his forearm, pulling him towards a secluded part of the castle. Draco’s eyes widened when he realized it was you, angrily huffing as you stopped behind a pillar. You let go of his arm and crossed your arms over your chest. He was mentally debating if he should just run now. Surely you wouldn’t run after him, right? 

As if reading his mind, you glared at him, jabbing your index finger in his chest. “Don’t even think of running, Malfoy.” 

He gulped, nodding slowly, “O-okay..”

Once you saw his demeanor, you cleared your throat, realizing you’re probably scaring him. You frowned, “Why are you ignoring me?”

“What?” he asked, acting clueless but he knew he was ignoring you. He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, nervously looking everywhere but your face in front of him. Merlin, you were prettier up close. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Y/L/N.” 

“Don’t be daft, Malfoy,” you rolled your eyes. “I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re avoiding somebody. Remember when you got Pansy in trouble and she swore she would hex you the next time she saw you? She was so furious that you were absolutely sure that she would so you would hide from her. The same way you’re hiding from me now. So what gives, Malfoy?”

Panicked, he said the only thing he could think of, “I’m not avoiding you. Did you ever stop and think that maybe because we don’t have classes together anymore, that means I no longer have to talk to you?” 

“Oh.” You blinked. You swallowed down any feeling of sadness as his words marinated in your head. You looked down, hiding the stray tear that slipped from your eye from the boy in front of you. You wiped it away hastily, clearing your throat before looking up. “I-I’m sorry. I thought we were past being just classmates… I must’ve misunderstood, then.”

His face dropped, leaning over to touch your shoulder, “Y/N-”

“No,” you interrupted, giving him a sad smile before backing away. “Silly me, thinking that we were friends. You’re Draco Malfoy, you’re too cool to have friends. I’ll leave you be now. Sorry for the inconvenience.” 

Before he could tell you just how wrong you were, you already disappeared from his vicinity. You walked away, hurriedly, down the corridor, ignoring the sound of Draco’s voice calling after you. Draco groaned, punching the side of the pillar in annoyance. Why can’t he just be nice for once?

You and Draco avoided each other pretty much entirely after that day. You were too ashamed to face him and Draco was too nervous and scared to come up to you and apologize. You just felt stupid thinking that something was brewing between the two of you. It wasn’t until Cedric dragged you to a Slytherin party- for Merlin knows what- that you and Draco were forced to cross paths again. You huffed as Cedric rolled his eyes and grabbed your hand to lead you to the Slytherin common room. 

“I don’t understand why I have to go with you.” 

Cedric looked over at you, irritated by your attitude, “Y/N, you need to have fun. Loosen up a bit!”

“Hmph,” you groaned, following him anyway. He mumbled greetings to Slytherins that you passed by, not letting go of your hand. Cedric was one of your closest friends, this affection between the two of you was normal. It didn’t mean anything but a sign of your friendship. “I am very much a fun person.” 

“I didn’t say you weren’t,” he stopped in front of the drinks, letting go of your hand to make the two of you some drinks. He mixed in random liquids, making you grimace because he was never good at proportions and you knew this drink would be horrid, before handing it to you. “I’m just saying you need to have fun.” 

Reluctantly, you chugged your drink, coughing after it burned your throat. You were indeed correct- the drink was terrible. “I hate you, Diggory.” 

Chuckling, he sent you a wink, “I loveee you, Y/L/N.” 

You wanted to say something back but Cedric suddenly stumbled over. Luckily, he caught his balance before he fell face first on the Common Room floor. Draco bumped into him, glaring at the Hufflepuff as he made his way to the group of Slytherins on the other side of the room. When he looked up to meet your eyes, his expression changed. His face became blank, eyes ghosting over your face. Draco gave you a small smile that vanished just as quickly as it came. He turned his back and returned to acting like you didn’t exist. 

Cedric snapped his fingers in front of your face, trying to get you out of your trance. You blinked a few times, now focused on your friend who had a shit-eating smirk on his face. You hissed, “What now, Diggory?”

“Seems like Malfoy’s jealous,” he sang, laughing behind his cup. “I would love to push his buttons and see him completely blow up at this party.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you sighed, stealing his cup and drinking the rest of his disgusting liquid. You grimaced, why did I do that? You continued, “And besides, how would we make him jealous?”

“Like this,” he started. Then, he leaned in your ear, dangerously close to your skin. In a breathy voice, he said, “Pretend I said something funny.” 

You giggled at his antics, thinking of how ridiculous your friend was being. But when you shot a look at where Draco stood, you began to reconsider your original opinion. He was standing there, uninterested by the story Blaise was telling him from beside him. Draco’s nostrils were flared and the cup he was holding was starting to lose its shape with how tightly he was gripping it. He didn’t even bother looking away when you cocked your head to the side to look at him. 

You thought he would’ve done something to get your attention but for the rest of the night, Draco kept his distance. After a while, Cedric gave up, shooting you an apologetic look that his plan didn’t work out. In fact, Cedric left you at the party a few minutes after Cho showed up. He said he was getting tired and was going to head up, but the two weren’t necessarily discreet when Cho left five minutes before Cedric did. You sent a wink his way and began to finish your drink, realizing that there was now no reason for you to stay. 

With a sigh, you tossed your cup into the bin and began to get ready to leave. Draco watched with a panic as you retreated to the exit. He chewed nervously on his bottom lip, unsure of what to do. He watched you disappear into the darkness and slumped his shoulders. 

“Run after her, idiot.” Blaise chuckled beside him. “And hurry up, I’m tired of you sulking.” 

“What?” 

“Go on, Draco,” Blaise simply rolled his eyes and ushered his friend out of the Common Room. “You’ve been staring at her the entire night. I reckon you don’t even know what I’ve been saying all this time.”

Finally coming to his senses, Draco ran after you, getting a hold of your shoulder to pull you towards him. You looked at him, confused as to why he was out of breath and standing there like a deer caught in headlights. He stared at your face, taking in your beauty. He wanted nothing else but to tuck that strand of hair behind your ear or kiss your lips that seemed to be glistening under the glow of the lights in the corridor. 

“Draco?” you asked, removing his hand from your shoulder. You crossed your arms over your chest, trying to seem defensive, but in reality, you just missed him. “What do you want?” 

Draco gulped, not realizing that he now has to actually talk to you. He didn’t think he’d get this far. He blushed, gaze averting to the empty hallway behind you. He took his bottom lip between his teeth, a sheepish smile on his face. You leaned forward a bit as if saying, “Well get on with it.” Draco sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, trying to find the right words to say. Without thinking, he blurted out, “Are you dating Diggory?”

“What?”

He grimaced, mentally face-palming. That was not what he wanted to say. He groaned, “I mean-”

“You’re a git, you know that?” you hissed, shoving him a bit. “You tell me that we’re not friends and make me feel so bloody stupid then all of a sudden, after not talking to me for weeks, may I add, you think you have the right to ask me about my dating life? You-” you paused, taking in a breath. “You-Draco Malfoy- have no right to ask me anything.” 

He stood there, unable to say anything back. What could he even say? What you said was valid, you had a reason to be upset with him. He has been such an arse to you and for no good reason! Draco knew he was just being stupid. 

You rolled your eyes and walked away, assuming that Draco wasn’t going to say anything else. You scoffed loudly, shooting him a glare as you turned to leave the boy alone in his loneliness. 

Draco called out for you again, “Y/N-”

“Oh and for the record-” you turned around to face him again, but not daring to walk closer to him. “Not that it’s any of your business but me and Cedric are just friends. He’s not the guy I fancy.” 

“Y/N! Merlin, please stop walking away! How do you walk so bloody fast?” Draco jogged towards you again, this time stopping in front of you to prevent you from moving any further. You still wore the same scowl on your face and he couldn’t help but stop and think about how cute you look. He chuckled, eyes lighting up when he saw your lips quirk up to a small smile before it vanished. “I didn’t mean to ask about Cedric. Quite frankly, I don’t care about your relationship, or erm, non-relationship with him. Well, I do b-”

Both of your eyebrows raised in amusement at the boy’s blabbering, “Why would you care about my non-relationship with Cedric?” 

“I just said I don’t, Y/L/N,” he blushed, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked up at you, growing more flustered once he saw the smirk on your face. “Okay, yes, I do care but listen… Blimey, how do I say this? I just, Y/N, I-”

“Spit it out, Malfoy.”

“Youbelongwithme.” Draco spoke quickly, almost making you miss what he said.

Mouth agape, you asked, “Come again?”

He sighed, “You belong with me. I fancy you. A lot actually. That’s why I avoided you all this time. I just… I don’t know, you know? I’ve never really fancied anyone before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Not run away from them,” you teased, laughing lightly at his cluelessness. 

“Alright now, no need to laugh,” he mumbled. “It’s already embarrassing enough confessing my feelings to the girl I fancy but for her to laugh at me is something else.”

“I’m laughing because you’re cute, Malfoy,” you hummed, reaching up to touch his cheek. “But run away from me again and I’ll hex you into oblivion.” 

Draco couldn’t do anything else but nod as your scent filled his senses. You were slowly inching closer to him, breath tickling his lips. He visibly gulped, snaking his hands around your waist to pull your body closer to his. His nose nudged yours, “Promise I won’t.”

“Good,” you whispered, eyes flickering up to meet his own and then looked down at his lips. His tongue darted out, wetting his lips. You pushed your lips together, sighing in content as he groaned into your mouth. His lips moved with yours in sync. Both of you were too caught up in the feeling that you didn’t hear the footsteps coming closer to the both of you. 

Someone cleared their throat, making you two jump away from each other, fearing that it was one of the professors. You shook your head, burying your head into Draco’s chest when you realized who it was. Draco wrapped an arm around you, smiling down at your retreated figure. 

Cedric chuckled before walking away, “Told you we could make him jealous.” 

Draco nudged you, “You were trying to make me jealous?”

Now it was your turn to be embarrassed. To silence him, you pressed your lips to his again, “Shut up.” 

“Gladly,” he muttered, kissing you deeply.

TAGS:

@rexorangecouny

A/N: i bought cameos from the phelps twins and oliver’s video came in today and it was so lovely. i can’t wait for james’!!

[sollannaart]

Hi ! Question about Józef Poniatowski: Did you know the Czartoryski family? What was your opinion that your sister was close to Charles de Talleyrand? Thanks.

Good evening, and thank you for your questions.

As for first one, about the Chartoryski’s family - of course prince Józef knew him.

Furthermore, they were a kind of relatives, because prince Jozef’s paternal grandmother, Konstancja, was born as a Czartoryska. (Which makes prince Adam Jerzy Czartoryski and his siblings Pepi’s secound cousins.)

Portrait of Stanisław Poniatowski and his wife Konstancja Czartoryska, Marcello Bacciarelli, circa 1766-1771

Many times prince Józef visited the Czartorysku’s residence in Puławy. They most known episode, it looks like, was in 1809, when after the battle of Raszyn Poniatowski with his army went to Galicja. Though that time Puławy belonged yet to Austria, the princess Izabella and the prince Adam Kazimierz (Adam Jerzy’s parents) greeted Pepi very warmly. His soldiers were allowed to camp in the palace park…

Polish soldiers, who were wounded in the battle of Sandomierz in 1809 and then treated in Puławy, leave the crutches they don’t need anymore, in Puławy’s park. An engraving made in the 19th century.

… and Pepi himself participated in the opening of the Gothic house, a garden pavilion built as additional spaces for the items of princess Izabela’s collection objects related to the Polish and European history.

The Gothic house on the lithography made by Adam Lerue in 1858; and its modern photo

And after prince Józef’s heroic death princess Izabela gathered a collection of “souvenirs” related to him and exhibited them in another park pavilion, the Temple of Sibyl.

19th-century engraving of the Temple of the Sibyl, and a contemporary view.

Furthermore, on the ground floor of the Temple there was places an obelisk dedicated to prince Józef:

Unfortunately, this floor is open for visitors very rarely, so my photo was made through a window…

As for the youngest generation of the Chartoryskis - the closest of them to Pepi was, I think, Konstanty. He was a colonel of the Duchy of Warsaw since 1809 and accompanied prince Józef during his visit to Paris in 1811.

Speaking of the older brother, Adam Jerzy, I can recall that he was among those who tried to persuade (in correspondence) Poniatowski in 1813 to switch sides, to leave Napoleon and join Russians. (And also there was a concept named “Puławy’s plan” in 1805, about the resurrection of Poland under Russian protectorate. That time prince Adam also tried to persuade Poniatowski to join.)

Then the sisters… Zofia Zamoyska, née Czartoryska, was the latest person to give a party for prince Józef on the Polish soil. And happened this in May 1813 in Kraków, just a couple of days Pepi left his motherland for good. The older sister Maria also may have been present there. (And, you know, the names of Czartoryski’s sisters also appeared in a long list of women whom prince Poniatowski was attributed to have relationship with. So I promise to return to the topic one day )))

And now let’s move to the second of your questions, about prince Jozef’s sister’s relationship with Charles Maurice de Talleyrand.

Teresa was married to the count Wincenty Tyszkiewicz in 1778, when she turned 18. He was only 4 years older than her, but he was - as diarists recall - a kind of retard. And rather eccentric. (For example, he had a habit to wear female clothes at home.) And she was bright and high spirited, liked horses, hunting etc. So she became bored of the husband very quickly, and decided to leave him.

To obtain a divorce that time was… very complicated, but still possible. But Teresa and Jozef’s uncle, the king, did not allow his niece to start the process. So the spouses Tyszkiewiczs just separated. Teresa travelled in Europe, then settled with her brother and his mistress Henriette de Vauban in Warsaw. But, in contrast with Pepi, for the next 30 almost years after the separation no one man was ever mentioned as her love interest.

And then, with the arrival of Napoleon’s court in Warsaw there appeared French foreign minister. Charles Maurice de Talleyrand.

Left: Kazimierz Wojniakowski, the portrait of Maria Teresa Tyszkiewicz (née Poniatowski), circa 1797. Top right: François Gérard, The portrait of Charles Maurice de Talleyrand Périgord Prince de Bénévent, 1808. Bottom right: Jan Falęski, portrait of Wincenty Tyszkiewicz, 1814

That time Teresa was already more than 45 years old. And Talleyrand had seven yet more. And was married. And was… lame. (Their contemporaries jokes, that they made a strange couple - right leg lame man and one eyed woman. Because Teresa, being a teenager, lost her left eye in accident and since that time had to wear a glass one…)

But everything points that from the countess Tyszkiewicz’s side it was love, the real feeling. As for the prince of Bénévent - well, in the end of his life, when Teresa died, he lamented „the loss of his dear long-time friend” bitterly. But when everything started… she was definitely not the only one for him. (Among his love interests of that time there may be mentioned another Polish aristocrat, Izabela Sobolewska. And Anne-Charlotte-Dorothée, the Duchesse de Courlande. Who was later replaced with her daughter and namesake, who was the wife of… Talleyrand’s nephew Edmond.)

But let’s return to Teresa. When in 1807 Napoleon’s court returned to France, the countess Tyszkiewicz followed the man, who “stole her heart”. She settled in Paris, and visited Warsaw from only now and then. French diarists recall how she held small parties with card game in her house in the French capital, and always lended money for her beloved one when he was short of them. And he, though her feelings didn’t cause great enthusiasm in him, always accepted the money. (Btw, Teresa’s debts were so high, that when in 1811 Poniatowski was in Paris her creditors found him and made to pay.) But it looks like with the time passing Charles Maurice attitude to Teresa softened and he learned to value her. After she finally settled in France in 1820 they made several trips on the South of France together (though not without the company of Dorothea the younger). And the countess Tyszkiewicz even “acquired” her own room in Valençey, prince Talleyrand’s favorite residence. Where, by the way, both she (in 1834) and he (4 years later) are buried, just one near another.

And finally the answer to the question what was Pepi’s opinion on this relationship. Did he know about it? I think that yes. Because it was not a secret in that time’s high society. Did he disapprove? It looks like no. Because, for instance, when he came to Paris in 1811, the big reception on the occasion of his arrival was made, with Teresa’s help, in Talleyrand’s house. And the prince of Bénévent was among those (together with Murat etc) who introduced Poniatowski to Parisian high society.

Well, I hope this long-read did answer your questions (I am sorry, it looks like I am not able to write short posts on my favorite topics). But of not - you are always welcome to ask more )))

[pomegranates-and-blood]

The Holly And The Ivy

My Masterlist

Pairing: Ivar/Reader, Sigurd/Reader, Sigurd/Margrethe

Summary: “I had this idea where Sigurd (or any of the brothers really) were to marry a Christian, but their marriage is dry and more political than anything, but Ivar is fascinated by her attitude (being opposite of him) and her love for life and simple things. He hears the reader and who she's married to talking about how she loves Christmas and he shuts her down, but Ivar decides to let her pick out a tree from the forest and put it up in the Great Hall and decorate it any way she wants. And the ending would include a kiss under mistletoe? If you can work with it.”

I’m very sorry if I dissapoint you anon, but the story was easier or smoother for me to write as a Modern!AU. I really hope you don’t mind. I can try something in the actual time period still, if you are not happy with au’s.

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, passing mentions of abusive relationships (not involving any of the relationsips in the tag btw), angst, my poor attempt at holiday fics or holiday spirit. Also, a part is not smut or explicit but getting closer to it than most of my work, so that too.

A/N: I really hope I don’t dissapoint whoever requested this. Also, I made this way more complicated than it needed to be, bc I always do, and for that I’m also sorry. Hope you like this, thank you for reading!

The title is from a Christmas carol, cause why not lol

Taglist: @1950schick @youbloodymadgenius​ (I realized you once asked to be tagged on my Vikings works and I forgot, sorry)

“When we are done with this trip we’ll go back home.” Sigurd points out one night as you both say goodnight, in some hotel somewhere in Norway.

“Home?”

“To my mother’s, in a week. Family time and all that.”

Before you are to leave for your own room, you call out, “For Christmas?”

The blond shakes his head, “Yule. You can celebrate your Christmas when we return.”

“That’ll be after the New Year!” You complain softly, offering a smile because you cannot help it.

“I will have to deal with Ivar and my mother, you can deal with this.” Sigurd sentences, the harshness startling you and prompting you to accept the words with a nod.

He mutters a goodnight again, hesitating for a moment on his bedroom door, as if questioning whether he should say sorry or not. You choose to relieve him of that choice, going into your own room and closing the door with a quiet click.

As if it were waiting for the door to close, your phone lights up on your nightstand.

How’s Oslo?

You type a quick response,

You could just ask me if we’ll be attending your mother’s celebrations, you know.

The response takes a while longer, and you cannot help the smile that pulls at your lips.

…Are you?

I expect all those lessons of yours with Floki to come to use. I’m going to need to learn about Yule, apparently.

So I’m supposed to teach you?

Who else?

Your fiancé. Is the reply you get, so fast you think he already knew what your reply was going to be before you even sent it. After a moment, before you can even think on what to answer, another message comes through. Nvm, my brother is useless. I’ll do it.

Your lips pull into a wide and stupid smile, and God, not even the shame at the quick beating of your heart or the warmth that spreads through you could make you be any less thankful for this, if anything. For him.

Thank you. Are you going to be there by Christmas?

This time the answer takes a while longer, and the indication that he is typing appears and disappears a few times.

I don’t know. Before you can ask anything, or send anything, a new message pops up. Princess, this doesn’t get any easier. I don’t know if I can.

Tears rise in your eyes because a part of you knows you’re meant to say goodbye at the end, and every time you are reminded, either by the pain in your own chest or Ivar’s words, that you are on borrowed time; you realize that end is close than you think.

Well, in that case, Merry Christmas, Ivar.

____

You find yourself being driven to that massive and fancy house by your fiancé.

You toy with your engagement ring as the car approaches the house. You know, rationally, that you have nothing to fear. The brothers have never been mean or hurtful -well, most of them haven’t-, and Aslaug has always been courteous and kind and…incredibly performative.

A part of you never ceased to feel like an outsider looking in. Between the pariah that a stupid business practice will be made into Sigurd’s wife, and the silent and soft woman they ignore as if she were another piece of furniture, you’d much rather be the latter.

“Heavy little thing, isn’t it?” Sigurd teases as he turns off the engine, motioning with his head to the rings on your left hand.

You don’t say anything in response, simply getting out of the car in silence. You know he meant well, he always does.

But a part of you that is hopeful and childish and still looks at the snow that starts to fall lightly over the ground as some miracle that means Christmas is upon us…that part of you cannot help but feel bitter about it all. Regretful, or, maybe, resentful.

You never imagined life would be this, engagement -marriage- would be this. You thought of happiness and warmth and fidelity.

Foolish hopes, really. The hopes of a child that watched her parents dance to the light of the Christmas lights, to the music of the soft music her father hummed. Nothing but foolish hopes.

So, when Sigurd steps out and hesitates in offering you his hand, you offer a smile and take his hand in yours, choosing to appreciate that at least the man you will be forced to marry is one you might call a friend, a partner, one day.

It is easy to forget, it is easy to let your heart be light and just enjoy the adorable giggles of Björn and Torvi’s children, the sympathetic smile of Margrethe, the warm and brotherly embrace of Hvitserk.

You are sipping on wine and watching Ubbe throw Asa over his head as she yells for him to throw her higher when a presence stands by your side and a wine glass clinks with your own in silent toast.

“I know you know about Sigurd and me,” Margrethe whispers, “And I want you to know I am sorry. But…I won’t leave him, not until he asks me to.”

If a year ago someone told you that you’d spent Christmas Eve being told by your fiancé’s mistress that she refuses to stop seeing him, you would have assumed the world turned on its head.

It did, but…you still find it in you to love this world that hurts you, this life that tests you.

You offer a smile, “I know you love him. It started as…”

“Gold-digging?” The blonde supplies, a sheepish grimace on her face.

“I wouldn’t be as unkind as to-…”

“You should. That’s what it was,” Her smile loses the edge, and she falters, “At first.”

You accept her words with a nod, and another sip of your wine.

“Then as long as you are discreet, I don’t mind. Keep him happy, Margrethe, he deserves it.”

You start to walk away when she stops you with a call of your name.

“And you don’t? Deserve to be happy, I mean.”

You hesitate, faltering for a few seconds too long. Her blue eyes are big and uncharacteristically honest as they look at you.

“I…”

You take your gaze off hers, because it feels like she will know something she shouldn’t, something you don’t want her to; but your eyes betray you, it seems.

“Oh, him. Well-kept secret, that one,” She states, and when you open your mouth to argue, Margrethe shakes her head, “It’s okay, I don’t…I don’t blame you. Even if I don’t understand at all how that came to be.”

“It’s…”

“Complicated?” The blonde supplies, and you allow yourself a smile, you loosen your shoulders and close your eyes with a deep breath.

“Ivar, he…understands me.”

“But you two are nothing alike,” She states, and at your shrug, concedes, “Maybe that’s why.”

“Maybe,” You offer, and after a breath, because bitter regret at being the thing that keeps her from the man she loves chokes you for a moment, “Margrethe, I…”

“Don’t you even think of apologizing to me,” She laughs, “Gods, woman, you truly are a soft thing, aren’t you?”

“I have the privilege of being it.” You offer with a kind smile, because you’ve seen the scars, because you remember her when she was more fragile.

Margrethe shakes her head, “The burden.” She corrects, and with a soft squeeze of her free hand on your arm, she walks away.

____

It’s on the day before Christmas that the last of the Lothbrok arrives. You walk down the stairs to a very early breakfast, and jump when the front door opens to reveal Ubbe and Ivar.

He came.

“You are up early.” Ubbe comments as he passes you by, dropping a kiss on your cheek.

You greet Ubbe absently, your eyes on his brother. Numbly, you hear him say something about telling Aslaug that Ivar has come home, and quick steps carrying him up the stairs.

Your lips curve into a smile, or at least they try to, “Hi.”

“Hello, Princess,” Ivar greets, what months ago would have been a smirk curving his lips. Now, now it’s more tired and worn than anything. “Just in time for your…Christmas, right?”

You nod, feeling the stupid urge to cry, “Yeah. Means a lot, you know.”

“Well, I could feel you pouting over the phone, love,” His eyes check the stairs before he moves aided by his crutch towards you with a wince of pain -the cold, you remind yourself, the cold making his legs ache-, and once he is before you, a hand that shouldn’t feel as tender as it does cups your cheek and brings your mouth to his. “I couldn’t leave you alone here. You always find ways to embarrass yourself.”

You chuckle, burrowing your head on his chest as you embrace him.

“I may have fucked up a few times,” You concede, eyes closed as you take in his scent, his warmth, “But I’m cute, I get away with a lot of things.”

____

As the timer on your phone dings, you get up from the couch, leaving a warm but strong drink behind, and make your way to the kitchen, ready to take out the sponge cake -no, a voice too alike Ivar corrects you, Bûche de Noël-.

Uneven steps behind you let you know of who walked in behind you, and you turn around with a slight frown on your brows, meaning to ask something before he interrupts you.

“He’s groping and kissing her in front of you, and you say nothing?” Ivar demands, anger shining clearly in his blue eyes.

“Sigurd and Margrethe?” You ask, and shake your head, “Why would I say anything?”

“You know about them.”

“Of course I do. He doesn’t hide it from me, and he shouldn’t hide it from his family. He loves her, and she loves him.”

“You don’t care that he’s humiliating you?” He presses, and you sigh.

“Everyone here knows how things truly are between Sigurd and me.”

Ivar’s mouth curls into a snarl, and cruelty spews from his lips, “Well, if you had let Ragnar know you had no problem letting your husband fuck whoever he wants, you might have been able to marry Björn, like your father wanted.”

You close your eyes, “Don’t be like this.”

“Like what, hm? Like someone that’s watching the woman he-…What am I supposed to be then, hm? What would make you happy?” He accuses, not losing the cruel edge in his voice even if you both know what he stopped himself from admitting. When you don’t answer, Ivar takes a deep and angry breath through his nose, “I’ve always been jealous of my brothers, you know this. Growing up their poor crippled brother is nothing to knowing Sigurd gets you and doesn’t even know what he-…what I’d do to be him.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Make him be the man you deserve!”

“He’s not the man I want,” You point out before you can keep the words trapped behind your lips. Ivar is inexplicably stunned by your words, it seems, and you lower your gaze. Resting your hands on the counter you drop your shoulders and shake your head, letting go of the previous argument and returning to…peace, or as close to it as one can get with Ivar. “Your brother deserves to be as happy as he can, with the woman he loves. It will not hurt me to see him with her. As long as-…”

“‘As long as it is discreet’, yes, I know. My mother and Ragnar have the same agreement.”

“It works for them, does it not?”

Ivar meets your gaze and doesn’t answer for a few moments, long enough that dread sets in your chest and questions arise in your mind.

Eventually, on the side of his jaw the clear tell of gritted teeth, he replies,

“Not as well as you think.”

“Well, Sigurd and I are friends, we…things will work out. They have to.”

“They have to, of course,” He mocks, moving his head as he rolls his eyes, “Anything to keep Ragnar and your father happy, hm?”

“Ivar…”

His eyes search yours, searching for the answer to a question he has not yet asked,

“I-If I asked you not to do this, if I…if I asked you for more time…” He leaves the words hanging between you, and you blink past helpless tears. He knows the answer, you know the answer.

Thankfully, you don’t have to remind him -and yourself- of the world you live in, of the lives you were meant to live, because the door to the kitchen opens and Aslaug walks through.

You keep your eyes firmly set on the tray before you, even though you can feel Ivar’s eyes on you, demanding an answer. When he realizes he will not get one, he grunts, a clenched fist hitting the counter once before he walks away.

“I’m sorry.” You offer the matriarch as she keeps her all-seeing eyes on you, but Aslaug offers a smile. A fake one, but a smile nonetheless.

“The cold gets to Ivar, it makes him irritable. It is not your fault.” She soothes, but the smile you offer her in thanks still trembles. You both know these are lies you are sharing with one another, and though it makes you falter and stumble, Aslaug moves gracefully from one lie to the next.

“I’ll-…” You point behind you, to the living room, but the woman shakes her head.

“Surely you have time to help me with this?” She asks. It feels like walking into a wolf’s den when you nod your head and approach her.

“Of course.”

She watches raptly as you assist her in preparing the Yule Log, and you focus on doing your best to keep your hands from trembling.

“For someone that doesn’t follow the Gods, you know a lot about tradition, girl.”

“I…It was the least I could do, learning about what is important to your family, to Sigurd.” You offer, and whatever she -who always has the look of someone that sees beyond what normal eyes can- can sense in your words makes Aslaug stop.

She turns to you, and surprises you with a hand on your cheek. The woman towards over you, but the gentleness in her touch, the warmth in her eyes, they help you to not feel threatened.

“Still loving the world that hurts you, sweet thing?”

“It’s all I know how to do.”

Aslaug’s smile is almost sad when she looks into your eyes, “To love, yes, I know. Wish I saw that sooner,” You don’t know what to answer to that, so you offer her only a shaky smile and a shrug. Aslaug chuckles gently, “And you love my son, don’t you?”

The terrifying thought that she knows what she’s doing when not saying any names, the realization nothing gets past her and neither did whatever is between you and Ivar, it all settles in your stomach with a dead weight.

Still, whether she asks about Sigurd or Ivar, the answer is the same.

“Yes.”

One as a friend, a partner, a man you can learn to respect and build a life alongside of. The other, as everything you ever wanted, as someone that will always make you wonder about the ‘what if’s.

She shakes off whatever takes a hold of her, and before you can ask what she means, why it pains her, she steps back from you and turns her back to you.

“You know, Ragnar isn’t the only one in this family with an eye for business. I was once in the same position you are now, the heiress to an empire,” Aslaug’s smile seems to thaw as she hands you a refilled glass of wine to match hers. Resting her backside on the counter behind her, she continues, “My parents were able to teach me a few valuable lessons before their death.

She grabs your left hand, stopping you. Her eyes look deeply into yours, but her thumb rolls your engagement ring on your finger.

“Like how to understand when I can’t make any more moves. And when I can change the wording in a deal to make it favor me.

Your lips part, you think to say something, but Aslaug stops you with a smile.

“Let’s hope you’ve learned the same lessons, my dear.”

____

Ubbe is dancing with Asa standing on his feet, and you watch with a smile on your face as the family enjoys time together, and celebrates the holidays in their own way.

A part of you misses the Christmas lights, the decorations you’d help your parents put up when you were a kid. A part of you misses how simple life was back then, how in this time of year you could forget there was a world past the snow drifting down and the warmth of a hearth and a home.

Ivar comes right up to you, but doesn’t sit next to you, choosing to remain standing.

“Grab your coat,” He orders, and at your confused frown, he rolls his eyes and amends, “Please.”

The most insincere please in the history of pleases, but you know you get more than most, so you don’t comment on it.

Still, you have to ask, “Why?”

“I-…a surprise,” He says, and insists you move with a gesture of his head, “Come on.”

You follow him to the small house the Lothbroks have by the pool, a cozy little home of big windows. When Ivar motions for you to go in ahead of him, a part of you is suspicious, but you still skip your way inside and try not to ask questions as to how it is so warm here when it should be vacant.

Ivar turns the lights on, and you find in the middle of the living room a Christmas tree.

The tree is bare, but still lively and familiar.

You turn to Ivar with tears in your eyes, because you cannot help it.

“You did this for me?”

“You love your Christmas,” He mumbles, embarrassed at the reaction his -to some, uncharacteristic- thoughtfulness got out of you. “I figured you deserved to have some of it with you here.”

“Did you buy Christmas lights?” You ask softly, almost moving up and down in the balls of your feet in excitement, eyeing the bags on a chair nearby.

Ivar chuckles, endeared, and nods, “Go ahead, Princess.”

You skip your way to the bags, quickly looking over the goods and already planning on how to decorate it, how to make it look pretty, how to make it yours.

You don’t truly know how long you spend on it, gleefully putting up Christmas lights, and little ornaments. During the whole time you spent excitedly decorating the tree, you can feel Ivar’s eyes on you, and when you look back at him you find him staring with a strange softness in his gaze.

You choose not to think too much on it, and instead ask his opinion on the decorations, that he gives gruffly and with a very poor attempt at making you believe that -either because Christmas grew on him, which you find very unlikely, or because of your own happiness- he isn’t happy to be here.

____

You smile at the warm and twinkling lights, and burrow closer to Ivar’s warmth, refusing to take your eyes off the dancing lights and refusing to put your feet back on the ground.

Refusing to step out of the fantasy that this could be your life.

Ivar shifts his position, and you lift your head from the juncture between his neck and shoulder and meet his eyes in question.

His eyes give away so much, always have, at least to you. And now they reflect the warm sparkle of the Christmas lights, and they reflect hesitation, fear, uncertainty, love.

Before you can ask what is wrong, Ivar leans in, his hand previously around you tangling in your hair as his lips claim yours.

His kiss is always demanding, but this time it holds desperation in the way Ivar begs for your lips to part with his own, it holds an urgency in the way his tongue dances with yours, it holds a ragged edge in the shaky breath that he lets out through his nose, it holds a goodbye in the way he ends the kiss as if forcing himself to pull away from you.

You try getting your breath under control and your voice to be yours again, but he’s so close, and warm, and yours; and all you want to do is kiss him again.

Kiss him again, and make the furrow in his brow, the pain in his eyes, go away. Kiss him again, and pretend you are not living on borrowed time.

So you do.

You kiss him, and take control of the kiss, and make him groan lightly against your mouth when you tug on his hair, and whimper his name against his own when you straddle him and feel him getting hard underneath you.

When your need for breath makes you part from his kiss, Ivar wastes no time trailing fervent kisses down your neck, panting breaths against the hot skin that he kisses and licks and bites.

You moan his name, forgetting everything but the touch of his lips on your skin, forgetting everything but the scent and taste and feel of him.

Either at the sound of your voice or the grind of your hips against his hardening cock, Ivar’s breath stutters and he breathes your name back at you, voice low.

His brow rests against your collarbone as he takes deep breaths, and your fingers toy at the hair that flows down to his shoulders.

“You know…” He murmurs, pressing a kiss that makes you shiver right on the dip between your collarbones, “There’s nothing I want more right now than marking this pretty neck of yours. Leaving you with…” His teeth scrape against your skin, a tease both for you and himself. Ivar does it a few more times, and moves up your neck again. Your breath shudders past your lips, and you tug on his hair to remind him of what he was saying. You always did love hearing him speak. For all the months you spend apart, his voice telling you what he’d do to you, what he’d have you do to him, is all that keeps you warm. Ivar chuckles, but continues, “Leaving you with my mark all over you, where everyone can see, so…so that they don’t doubt you’re mine.

His hands tighten on your waist, before they travel down, caressing your thighs as he sighs.

“But you’re not, are you? And I can’t…I can’t do any of that. I can’t-…”

You interrupt him before his thoughts can get ahead of him, before he can twist himself into knots about the situation you are both in.

“I am yours. Only yours.” You remind him softly, your lips by his ear. You lean back so you can meet his eyes, and seal your promise with a soft kiss over his lips.

Ivar’s eyes search yours when you pull back, with the same look as before. Uncertain, lost, tender and yet almost sad.

“Marry me.” He whispers, keeping his eyes on yours.

“What?” You squeak, eyes wide. He couldn’t have…he knows that…none of this makes any sense.

“Marry me instead of Sigurd,” He insists, and as if remembering the part he forgot, he curses and hurries to fetch something from his pocket. He offers you a simple but beautiful ring, and swallows, “I-I can make you happier than he ever could, I…I love you.

I know you can, you already do.

I love you too.

But you can’t say any of that, because your breaths are shallow and your head is filled with thoughts and…and you need space.

You scramble to stand, to put distance between the two of you. After a few controlled breaths, you return your eyes to Ivar, whose hand has now fallen back to his lap even if he still holds on to the delicate ring.

He grits his teeth, the obvious tell at the side of his jaw, and he seems to want to divert his eyes from you, but he only blinks and keeps certain eyes on you.

“Your father wants you to marry one of Ragnar’s sons, he doesn’t care who. I…have talked with my father, he agrees that if you want to, we can…” He licks his lips in a nervous gesture, “Mother says any backlash from breaking the engagement can be handled.”

“You’ve thought this through.”

“Of course I have, y-you’d be Sigurd’s wife if I didn’t think of something,” A twitch of anger, of uncertainty, of fear, on his face, and then he amends, “You still can be. But I want you to be able to choose.”

Choose me, is what he doesn’t say.

Your heart is lodged in your throat, and you try a few times before you can finally speak,

“Ivar, we haven’t…it’s been only a few months.”

“And it will not work out, that’s what you’re saying?” He huffs, defensive, “It won’t work out if you marry my brother either.”

“I-…this-…”

“Stop thinking of excuses,” He snaps, gritted teeth and hurt written in his eyes, “I’ll handle everything, no matter your answer. Just…just give me an answer, Princess.”

____

It is open ended cause there’s two ends to this, I wanted to leave the choice to you guys! So, follow the link for the epilogue of your choice:

Will you accept the proposal and be bound to Ivar, for better or worse?

Or will you stay with Sigurd, and be content with companionship and friendship?

Hope you liked this, even if it wasn’t very holiday-ey. I wish you all very happy holidays and a great (or decent, after 2020 I’m happy with decent) 2021!!

(Ik it’s like the 13th and I’m gonna be very much around here posting and bothering the whole lot of ya till the holidays and beyond, but holiday fic and all that, ‘twas the perfect time to send good wishes and all. Love ya!)

[vampireqrow-moved]

hey so I agree with a lot of the stuff in your post about the transphobia involved in the origin of the pansexual label, but I just have one question: what are the actual impacts of people with good intentions calling themselves pan? If you don't hate pansexuals and consider them bi, why type up a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of the origin of the label if it means the same thing in the way that most non transphobic people (your audience) use it? a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways (like bi and lesbian and anything really) and plenty of valid identities from problematic roots and evolve over time as people use them differently (queer, transsexual). so how is a person with good intentions using a not-perfect label in a way you don't like a threat to the community? if someone is using the label pan transphobically, wouldn't their bigotry exist independently? if pan people do not act in transphobic ways besides using the label pansexual, realistically what is changing if they call themselves bi beyond holier-than-thou aesthetic activism? plus, a blog on the internet isn't going to get everyone to stop identifying as pansexual, especially considering multiple prominent celebrities ID as pan. so why spend all that energy quibbling on semantics because some bi people use a slightly different word when you could be worrying about Literally anything else? just feels like you want to find something to argue about lol. extremely disappointed that I had to break a mutual

im going to respond to each thing you bring up chronologically- im not trying to nitpick or prioritize certain things you say ill just forget things if i go out of order and i dont want to miss something important. ALSO! i will be typing less formally (like keysmashes and shortening words n stuff) in this response than my og post bc its 1am as im starting to type this so im tired but i want to be clear that i am like. taking this seriously and im not like. mocking u in anyway if it could read that way?? i hope not but just in case anyways here it goes!

in terms of actual impact people with good intentions identifying as pan: honestly im not  sure the full scope of the impact this has, so ill only be speaking to what ive personally seen which might not be all. but like... id argue my younger self has good intentionals iding as pan. i wanted to support trans people, even if i didnt understand a lot of the nuance involved. as a result of this, i developed a sense of superiority over other bisexuals and a mentality that bisexuality was a primitive and lesser sexuality. that mentality is harmful, and although im not sure if it affected bisexuals around me (of which there are many most of my friends are bi ajfjfjf) its still a harmful mentality and can easily hurt people even if i specifically didnt. also using it even with good intentions, which i know many people have, still spreads and further normalizes a label that imo can not be separated from its transphobic origins. this effect is not as extreme as other forms of transphobia and biphobia by A LONG SHOT. the bi community faces a lot of other issues but that doesnt mean this one isnt worth addressing if that makes sense?

if i dont hate pansexuals: ik this is part of a larger point which i will adress but i specified this in my post bc i see a lot of other posts that are negative towards pansexuality have "i hate pan ppl" somewhere in it or a close equivalent. i do not shame these ppl for their anger, i just wanted to be clear i think a lot of pan ppl are bi ppl with good intentions choosing a label they dont fully understand based on a misunderstanding of bisexuality.

why write a paragraphs long manifesto on the harms of pansexuals origin: ok 😭😭 the real reason here is that im literally just bad at summarizing. like thats literally it. i also like talking, its a bad combination. plus ive been thinking abt this for like. over a year im not even kidding and just like i have a lot of thoughts and figured if i was going to bother making my own post instead of rbing someone elses that i might as well get everything i wanted to say off my chest. ALSO BTW i literally got an ask like a week ago that was several paragraphs long asking me to explain my thoughts on why pan was harmful and some other stuff so like. this is partially responding to that and partially just me wanting to air my grievances ? idk if thats the right expression 😔😔

why write the post if my audience of people who identify as pan arent doing it in a transphobic way ? again sorry i didnt really understand the phrasing so i hope this is a vaguely correct summary!! um but like... again imo i think pan cant be separated from its transphobia and like. again imo iding as pan is like. a transphobic action/choice? obviously one transphobic thing does mean someone necessarily is like officially a Transphobe (it CAN be depending on the action but i dont think that applies here) but that doesnt mean there arent problems with what they did. this is like very complicated, but like. someone doing something harmful without the knowlege that its harmful doesnt make that person a bigot by any means it just means they didnt know. and i feel thats the case here? a lot of ppl (myself included until recently) know next to nothing abt pansexualitys origins so a trans inclusve sexuality might seem like a safe and good bet just because they dont know too much abt it, and like? i cant hate those people cause that was me for 5+ years and djgjfjdj you just dont know what you dont know!

basically i think iding with a transphobic label is inherently a singular transphobic action that doesnt make the person transphobic by itself, but is still a transphobic instance.

a lot of identities can be used in transphobic ways like bi, lesbian, etc.: this is true and a point i attempted to make on my original post, but i might not have clear enough. my issue with pan is specifically that it is a transphobic response to a preexisting identity. lesbian isnt an attempted trans inclusive indentity that replaced an identity that already existed (which have many trans ppl identifying with the og label). transphobes can use whatever labels they want, but transphobes using a label vs a label having a transphobic origin is very different. bigots use inclusive and supporting language for their bigotry all the time but language that originated with that bigotry is worse.

many valid identities stem from problemstic origins (like transsexual and queer) but the words evolve: ok my paraphrasing is a little weird there. anyways. the thing here is that. those are slurs. reclaimed slurs that can be empowering to many people, yes, but slurs nonetheless. reclaiming a slur is taking a harmful word and wearing it as a badge of pride. first off, pansexual is not a slur (ur not implying that in anyway just. saying) and it isnt being reclaimed when people dont treat it as having harmful origins. transsexual is the way some people identify but ppl acknowlege its a slur and originates from transphobia. ppl love to act like queer isnt a slur, which is an issue in and of itself, but just. factually it has historically and is currently being used against ppl with the intent to hurt them. pansexual isnt on the same level as these and other words like the f slur, d slur, etc. pansexual originates from trans and biphobia WITHIN the community and not outside of it, and most pansexuals dont see themselves as reclaiming the title because they dont think anythings wrong with it in the first place. and reclaiming it just seems unnecessary considering its history? theres no empowerment from using pan as a label as opposed to queer or transsexual, and it just divides the bisexual community for no reason.

how is a person using a not-perfect label a threat to the community? ok i dont think its a threat but still an issue if that difference makes sense? id like to reiterate a few things ive said before, but for me personally, it made me look down on bisexuals and see them as lesser, and it made people around me see pan as the "trans inclusive" sexuality as opposed to bisexuality, and basically its usage just leads to further biphobia. is this the worst of biphobia? no!!! but its still biphobia and why not attempt to target and minimize that? i have no way to singlehandedly stop biphobia, but my post might get through to my friends who id as pan and that small thing is better than nothing.

if someone used the pan label in a transphobic way, wouldnt that bigotry be different from people using it not transphobically?: someone claiming all bi ppl are transphobic and only pan is the acceptable label is obviously a lot worse than someone iding as pan and saying bi/pan solidarity but again, the second isnt not an issue because the first one is a bigger issue, its just a smaller issue in comparison. i wouldnt say the bigotry is different, one is just worse than the other, but it still has the same problems.

if pan people dont do anything transphobic other than id as pan then what changes with iding as bi over pan other holier-than-thou activism: its just one less person using a transphobic label? which isnt that big but it might lead to their friends stopping iding as pan and cause fewer people around them to see bi as a transphobic identity. which is small scale stuff, i wont try to blow it out of proportion, but thats still a step in the right direction and hopefully more people follow with it. its not terribly huge or lifechanging but something small that may only affect the people close to you is still something rather than nothing.

a blog the internet isnt going to get people to stop iding as pan: oh absolutely not. honestly i expected to get unfollowed/blocked more than change peoples minds regarding the pan label (im surprised i only lost two followers so far honestly) but again, someone literally asked me to do this and i wanted to be clear on my stance on the label, since in the past ive been supportive of it. im not expecting the post to get more than five likes, its more directed to my followers rather than the internet as a whole. im not expecting a large impact, im hoping to change the minds of my followers and friends who id as and support the pan label. thats it. if something bigger comes from it- great! but thats not what im aiming to do.

prev point + many prominent celebrities id as pan: the first name that comes to mind is someone im not a fan of for separate reasons but thats irrelevant. i mean im repeating myself a bit but some celebrities in the past validated and made me feel excited abt my identity as a pan person when they came out, and it justified the label to me, even when i had doubts. i have never interacted with a celebrity and do not plan to change their minds abt their identity. again, my post was for my friends and followers and maybe who ever was scrolling through the biphobia tag and decided to read my post.

why spend that much energy worrying abt the pan label instead of something else: ive spent waaaaay more energy thinking abt a singular meme i didnt like regarding my favourite rwby character so like. maybe i just overreact to things lol. maybe i have a lot of energy and since i cant talk my friends ears off abt my favourite fruits or the different voting methods i learned in my math class or what would dreams taste like, then i gotta put my energy into something. idk. i have a lot of energy and honestly? this didnt take that much. but i felt it weighing on me as my friends talked positively abt the pan label, when i felt guilty for the superiority i felt over my bi friends INCLUDING my best friend and favourite person in the world so like. i spent enough energy worrying abt it, and like. in hindsight since its been over 12 hours since posting it, im thinking abt it less. i was more worried abt feeling dishonest with my friends than actually worrying abt pansexuality, but i figured i owed them an explanation for why my feelings around it had changed.

just feels like you want to find something to argue about: okay i DO love arguing but im not pulling this out of my ass for fun. its in response to posts ive seen on my dash, asks i recieved abt pansexuality, and my way of letting people know my views have changed and why since i know at least some people are curious.

i am sorry to lose a mutual as well, and i genuinely hope things go well for you, but uh yeah thats that.

again, if people have further questions im willing to answer them i just might take a while bc i have school and other stuff 2 do but uhhh yea sorry if im clogging ur dash sjfjfkkf

[houseki-no-suffering]

so since your the almighty one everyone comes to to theorize things i'm here with somethin of curiosity. i've seen people before mention that if cinnabar went with phos or was least involved in all of this none of this whole disaster would've happen. your thoughts? and how right or wrong do ya think this assumption is? ljksfljksf just curious lol.

thanks for the trust, im just a nerd with a blog.

Talking if’s and but’s is fun for speculation’s sake but take whatever im about to say with a few grains of salt because these are just farfetched hypothesis. also sorry this came out super long, im very verbose when it comes to shinsha

I’ve touched on the subject of Shinsha going to the moon with Phos a few times (like here), but I think its important to determine when, exactly, Shinsha would come with Phos.

Are we speaking of a completely different timeline, one where Phos asked Shinsha to become their partner since the very beginning? If that’s the case, I cant really see Phos becoming interested in finding the truth about Sensei or the lunarians and the two would keep on being good friends until one of them was abducted or someone else decided to embark on a journey to unveil the truth.

Are we speaking of a timeline where Shinsha accepts to go to the moon in chapter 52? That’s a tricky one because Cinnabar had pretty strong reasons to refuse to go. Maybe im just very paranoid about characterization, even if this is not fanfic, but it would be very out of character of them to come with Phos and put aside their pride for the umpteenth time, after Phos used them and brushed them off over and over during the years.

I think that the reason why people say that if Cinnabar went with Phos this whole disaster (the rift btw moon and earth gems, the night raid and Phos becoming a war criminal) wouldn’t have happened is because Cinnabar has always been good at channeling Phos’ chaos. 

What Cinnabar brought to Phos’ personality was direction, caution and insight. It is not by chance that, the second Phos could no longer rely on Shinsha for counsel, things rapidly escalated toward madness.

The last of Phos and Cinnabar’s conversations happens in chapter 61, way too late to mend things: Phos should have talked with cinnabar sooner, but under Lapis’ influence and crescent grief they were growing colder and more impatient and they never understood Cinnabar enough to know that Shinsha was truly interested in helping them. Phos hurt Cinnabar for the last time in chapter 52, proving Cinnabar once more that they were not the right person to help Cinnabar and that Shinsha’s trust had been misplaced. Their last conversation, in chapter 61, can be nothing else than a disaster.

I’ve written a whole meta on how Shinsha was about to shake Phos’ outstretched hand. If Phos didn’t take back their offer, Shinsha would have come with them to the moon. 

To mend things and have Shinsha come with Phos, then, we’d have to change an important line of dialogue like the one where phos takes back their offer (“can we go together?… or so I’d like to say”) and/or when phos pretends not to hear shinsha when cinnabar asks them to please not go. 

we gotta make it so that either shinsha swallows their pride and explains things to phos, or phos doesnt pretend they didnt hear them.

Now, I’ll give myself and other Shinsha stans out there a moment to contemplate the fact that we were robbed of Shinsha in lunarian clothes, as well as the fact that we were robbed of the amazing and heartfelt dialogue that would have followed phos hearing cinnabar’s plea and listening to them. This manga is so cruel, truly. 

With Shinsha on Phos’ side, im gonna explore two possible scenarios among dozens that might have happened:

Canon divergence 1:

Shinsha and Phos go to the moon alone following that alternative dialogue in chapter 52. This means that the first time phos goes to the moon, cinnabar is with them.

for this plan to work, phos probably doesnt need cairn’s complicity. i imagined cinnabar and phos could be abducted in a scene reminiscing of chapter 2, when they first meet and cinnabar saves phos.  

on the moon, phos is not alone to face the truth of the dusted gems, they’re not alone to listen to aechmea’s explanations and lies and they’re not alone bargaining with aechmea. cinnabar is shrewd and attentive, patient, smart, and they always advised phos well. add to this the fact that, since they agreed on coming to the moon together, these two dumbasses finally made a few steps toward proper communication.

as the power team ive always known they can be, shinsha and phos balance each other pretty well. i can see shinsha convincing phos to stay on the moon longer to learn more about the truth (phos only stayed 2 months the first time). Assuming that Shinsha doesn’t accept (pls don’t accept) to have someone suppress their poison (assuming its something the lunarians can do), their mercury is a pretty strong weapon and it could give them some bargaining power over the moon people. 

also im not sure how the pearl eye thing would work: to control them effectively, aechmea would need to implant a spy on both shinsha and phos, but would he be afraid of their mercury? after all it’s something even lunarians have “a hard time” healing padpa from after the night raid. so let’s give divergence!Shinsha self-confidence points for finding out their mercury is cool and good.   

now things start to become really different from canon. shinsha is considered reliable by the earth gems, so with two gems rather than only phos to advocate for the moon people’s cause, the earth gems might be more prone to believe them and phos might not need to pull off their rebellion thing.

which means no rift between moon and earth gems, which means no cairnmea arc, no night raid, no nearly-dead padpa and no to at least a dozen new emotional traumas for our phos.

i wish i could be more precise than this, but at this point the story could develop in so many directions that i’d leave it to your own imagination. my biggest point of concern is phos becoming human. if they dont acquire the pearl eye they wont be human enough to activate sensei and that would be a huge problem.

Canon divergence 2:

Shinsha follows Phos to the moon the second time Phos goes(chapter 62). this makes less sense character-wise, but I’m gonna explore this option anyway because it allows me to include other gems as well.

Cinnabar’s judgment is trusted, they’re smart. If Shinsha decided to come, other gems might follow their example, like Rutile. Rutile wanted to go and they’re friends with Cinnabar. They might gloss over their attempt to ask for Sensei’s permission if Shinsha guarantees for Phos’ plan. However, if Rutile comes, Padparadscha will stay on earth (as Rutile says in chapter 62). Even if Padpa came to the moon, they would be under Rutile’s influence and/or they’d have to take Rutile’s feelings into account. It’s possible that they would have less room to operate freely.

If Padpa and Rutile come, a lot of other gems could follow. To the point it would be hard to keep the escape a secret. The rift between moon and earth gems could run deeper than in Canon: worst case scenario there could be a fight between the two groups, best case scenario the two groups talk it out and some gems decide to trust Phos while others stay on earth. Cairn is a wild card whose behavior im not entirely sure about. Its possible that they would simply not follow Phos if Phos already had a partner with them (Shinsha) and we’d be spared the whole cairnmea arc and if that’s not something worth celebrating I don’t know what is.

Once again, if Shinsha is with Phos, they’ll push Phos to think before they act. They could help Phos strengthen their position as leader and use their mercury to give the gems some bargaining power over the moon people. I can see Shinsha acting a little like Amethyst 84: interested in the moon, maybe more wary, cold, objective…

The night raid would not necessarily be the failure it was. Shinsha would be on Phos’ side and spare Phos the emotional trauma they woke up to in chapter 72, when they realized that Cinnabar, the one person they thought a friend, attacked them. With Phos and Padpa’s strength, numbers and Shinsha’s mercury on their side, the moon gems would win. Earth and moon gems could finally talk and solve the problem.

The question is whether Phos was human enough during the night raid. If they asked Sensei to pray, would he activate already? Otherwise, everyone’s efforts would be in vain and the earth gems could assume the others lied or maybe aechmea could decide to turn everyone to dust and implement yet another plan.

soooo to sum this up: yeah, i do think that if cinnabar came with phos a lot of drama could have been avoided. maybe not all of it, maybe new drama would have ensued, but that’s life. still, it would have been very out of character both for phos and for cinnabar to go together to the moon. and ichikawa would never give up the cairnmea arc.

[sonnets-and-snowdrops]

Heya! Hope you're pleasantly drunk by now! Is the Shunsui b-day thing still on? If so, Shun-Uki head canons please! Whatever you want to say about it (I reckon you might have a thing or two...)

Hey hey, Anon! Yes yes, the birthday thing is absolutely still on - and, actually, I think I might just, like, leave it on indefinitely. I kinda like this game, heh.

(Sorry I didn’t get to your ask last night, btw. I fell asleep at like 1am because I’m a square. Eh. Oh well. Shunsui would be proud of me for that, too. He’s a guy who gets the whole sleep thing.)

Anyway! ShunUki headcanons, you ask? As a matter of fact, my friend, I do indeed have a headcanon or two! But because going through all of them would take a long, long time - I think I may just describe one of them here, if that’s cool. Do feel free to drop another ask later if you’d like more, though!

One of the most bizarre and fascinating things to me about Shunsui is that his first-person pronoun of choice is boku.

For those who are unfamiliar with Japanese first-person pronouns, Wikipedia has this to say about boku: “Used by males of all ages; very often used by boys. Perceived as humble, but can also carry an undertone of “feeling young” when used by males of older age. Also used when casually giving deference; “servant” uses the same kanji (僕 shimobe).” That doesn’t convey all of the flavor of using the pronoun “boku” in anime, but for context - other Bleach characters who use “boku” include Uryuu, Hanatarou, Yumichika, Gin, Kira (and Rose, now that I think of it - so everyone of significance in Squad 3, I guess - huh. Maybe there’s something in that. Also maybe not. Eh. Whatever), Szayel, Tsukishima, Urahara during TBTP (he switches to atashi later, which is a whole nother thing, but I won’t get into that here), and others. In the world of anime, I find that boku is used by characters who are either “polite speakers,” characters who are young, or characters who are a little bit slippery, and are trying to hide something.

I didn’t know until I was well into the TYBW arc that Shunsui used boku - mostly because I’d watched the anime dubbed *cringes* and was reading the manga in English. I’d assumed, knowing that he was a powerful dude with chest hair, that he used ore (which I’ll get into in a minute), or maaaaaybe even washi (i.e., the old man pronoun). 

So, already reeling from this new knowledge, I, of course, had to ask myself - which pronoun does Ukitake use? He’s kind and polite, isn’t he? Surely - surely - a guy like that uses boku…?

But no, my friends - Juu-chan, tragic and handsome embodiment of Shinigami sunshine that he is, uses the first-person pronoun ore.

…which, as promised, we will discuss here. Ah-ha-ha-hem: “Frequently used by men. Establishes a sense of masculinity. Can be seen as rude depending on the context. Emphasizes one’s own status when used with peers and with those who are younger or of lesser status. Among close friends or family, its use conveys familiarity rather than masculinity or superiority.” So, yeah - basically, in anime terms, it’s a quick way of letting the audience know that this character is a man who is comfortable with being a man, and in some cases, it can be a way of conveying that a character is assertive, or a generally informal speaker. Other Bleach characters who use ore include Ichigo, Renji, Kenpachi (so, just to be totally clear here, Ukitake uses the same first-person pronoun as Kenpachi), Shuuhei, Iba, Starrk, Nnoitra, and Grimmjow (which - again - Ukitake uses the same first-person pronoun as freaking Grimmjow), among others.

Learning that boku was Shunsui’s pronoun of choice and that ore was Ukitake’s forced me to think about both of them a little bit differently - and, I eventually found, in ways that I liked, and that made sense for their characters, when I actually sat down to connect all of the dots.

I think that ShunUki is a frequently misunderstood ship. I’ve read dozens of fics, for example, that portray Ukitake as a perpetually ailing optimist who leans heavily on his best friend for support, both physical and emotional. There’s validity in writing fics like that - and, full disclosure, I’m an absolute sucker for a well-written sickfic - but I think that ending one’s conclusions about ShunUki there does a disservice to both Shunsui and Ukitake, and oversimplifies the ship in general.

I believe that, generally speaking, Ukitake is a fundamentally stronger person than Shunsui is. He’s encountered hardship, but he’s well-adjusted and personable. He’s emotionally intuitive, but he still possesses the ability to make difficult decisions. He’s a man of peace who has still applied himself wholeheartedly to learning the arts of war. He’s a cute, sweet, goodhearted gentleman who loves sweets and has no idea how to cultivate bonsai. He knows who he is - strengths and weaknesses and all - and he is not ashamed of himself. And his pronoun of choice, ore, reflects his quiet but undeniable inner confidence.

Shunsui, by contrast, drinks all day and takes naps in the middle of the afternoon on a regular basis. Shunsui can’t keep up with his paperwork. Shunsui doesn’t have a good relationship with his family.  Shunsuihas a soul whose greatest power manifests itself through a dark, painful, intricate story of lovers who commit suicide.

When you think about it like that, is it any wonder that Shunsui might feel a little more comfortable using boku, an potentially more elusive pronoun than the arguably expected ore?

I still had to figure out, though, why these pronouns still threw me for a bit of a loop. On the surface, I still struggled to see Ukitake as anything but a boku user (or maaaaybe watashi, I guess, but that’s a little stuffy for him imo) and to see Shunsui as anything but an ore user.

And thanks to these thoughts, a headcanon (I promise, I didn’t forget what this question was actually about lol) was born.

I think that, when Shunsui and Ukitake met during their Academy days, Ukitake was a boku user and Shunsui was an ore user. Ukitake valued politeness and etiquette - he still does, even during the main arc - and as a young boy raised in a noble family, he would have been taught to speak politely and properly. He would use boku at this time in the same way that a character like Uryuu would - it’s polite, it’s correct, and it gives a small level of respectable deference to his peers. (Plus also, there’s no way anyone can convince me that little baby Juu-chan wasn’t all wide-eyed and cute when he entered the Academy, and cute, wide-eyed characters - think Deku from BNHA, Nagisa from Free!!, Rock Lee from Naruto if you want the super-extreme version haha - tend to use boku in anime and manga.) Shunsui, by contrast, was a too-cool-for-school slacker boy who liked chasing skirts and who had never had as much freedom at home as he’d wanted. While Shunsui never wanted to attend the Academy, I don’t doubt that he valued what little new freedom it gave him.

See below:

Also, if this doesn’t look like the face of a smug-ass ore user, then I don’t know what does:

We know that Shunsui and Ukitake met at the Academy and became friends. We also know that, during the main plot, Shunsui uses the pronoun boku and Ukitake uses the pronoun ore. It may not line up completely perfectly when all is said and done, but simply put, my headcanon is this: As Shunsui and Ukitake spent more time together as friends and learned more about themselves as they grew older, they slowly switched personal pronouns.

This happened for several reasons.Ukitake ’s story is pretty straightforward - you see multiple young protagonists switch from boku to ore over the course of their respective anime (such as Shinji Ikari from NGE and Simon from Gurren Lagann, for example). This shift usually implies that a character has grown up, or has grown more confident - and I figure that’s exactly what happened to Ukitake. He entered the academy as a bright, young boy with a lot of physical challenges to overcome, and probably a lot of self-doubt, but through six years of training and education, and six years of friendship with a lunk like Shunsui, he slowly began to gain confidence - enough that, by the time he entered the Gotei proper, he was ready to claim ore as his pronoun of choice.

Shunsui’s journey was probably a little more roundabout. Shunsui is a strange guy, and he stands out. He’s different from those around him, and attending the Academy probably highlighted those differences. He’s smarter than almost everyone he interacts with, for one thing, and there’s a duality about him that most people don’t experience firsthand - the key aspect being that he’s a male-presenting person with a female-presenting zanpakutō spirit, which is, I think, indicative of many other dualities that exist inside him. My guess is that, at first, Shunsui tried to hide a lot of his complexities, and to present himself as a boring, straightforward, oh-hey-I-like-slacking-off-and-chasing-girls kind of guy, and using the pronoun ore was a quick, easy, uncomplicated shortcut that helped that image. But as Shunsui began to grow closer to Ukitake, I’m sure that he began to letUkitake see the many dualities within him - whether he intended to or not. Ukitake, being the kind soul he is, embraced these parts of Shunsui. He told Shunsui that it’s okay to be complicated, that it’s okay to be strange - that it’s even okay to be a little messed up inside. That it’s okay to be who you are, even if it isn’t what people expect, or ask of you.

So, in short! The headcanon goes like this:

When they first met during their Academy days, Ukitake’s pronoun of choice was boku, and Shunsui’s was ore. As they became friends and moved through the Academy together, Shunsui helped Ukitake’s confidence grow, and Ukitake helped Shunsui towards self-acceptance in general. By the time they graduated the Academy - or perhaps shortly thereafter - Ukitake’s pronoun of choice had shifted to ore (Shunsui’s former pronoun of choice) and Shunsui’s pronoun of choice had shifted to boku (Ukitake’s former pronoun of choice). These pronoun shifts reflect Shunsui’s and Ukitake’s growth, both as individuals and as friends.

Phew! Welp, uh - that got longer than I anticipated it would. But it’s a personal favorite headcanon of mine, and I haven’t ever had an excuse to share it publicly, so - thanks for giving me the excuse I needed, Anon! I had fun writing this up - hope you had fun reading it, too!

Ask me about myShunsui headcanons!

I’m not drunk anymore btw because yaboi can’t do that two nights in a row lol - I hope this was still fun anyway!!

[nerdygaymormon]

Homophobic/transphobiv anon- thanks for replying to my ask I appriciate it. Sorry if it was really negative, I was just having a really bad night. Do you have any advice with being closeted in the church? Its fine if you dont, I'm just not sure who to talk to about it.

Advice on being closeted in the church? Well, although I lived that way for a long time, I’ve never before thought of how I’d give advice to someone on how to do it.While you may be in the closet now, the expectation is that eventually most people emerge from that closet.I was just thinking that this is sort of like how we began in the womb where we are sheltered and have the opportunity to grow and develop until we’re able to survive outside the womb. Then there’s the painful process of birth, followed by an accelerated period of growth and change. In other words, the time in the closet is an incubation period where you grow strongerI know I remained closeted out of fear. I was afraid of being outed, there was the stress of internal inconsistency, the effort spent keeping up appearances. It can be tough. I hope you find a way to bring peace and calm into your life.Here’s my thoughts:

*  You need to recognize you are a special creation, a child of a God who loves YOU*  Your orientation is not a mistake, it is not good or bad, it just is. You choose whether it’ll be a blessing or a curse in your life*  You are not alone. Others have walked this path before you and are willing to hold your hand as you work your way forward*  Find some LGBT friends. I’ve gained a lot of strength from people on Tumblr. We have a group of us we loosely call Queerstake.*  You may not yet know them, but you have allies.*  If you haven’t already, check out these resources: mormonandgay, Family Acceptance Project*  Recognize it’s going to be complicated and frustrating. Even things in the gospel that seem simple to others become difficult if you’re queer*  People and institutions change and grow. I hope you have the grace to forgive them*  This is your church, too. Stake a claim to it if you want to belong*  You don’t need to have your future figured out and know what is your path forward. I still feel like each step forward I take is shrouded by fogYou’re welcome to continue asking questions anonymously, but it’s nice to actually have a conversation. You can message me or any of the other people who like or comment on this post. If you don’t have a Tumblr account, click here and look on the left side of the screen, perhaps I’m on a platform where you do have an account (if it only opens a side box, click on my rainbow avatar and hopefully that’ll open it up). Btw, I think you have to be on a computer to see those.

[shintowitch]

Hi! I've been on a spiritual quest for the past year and the only religion I've found so far that's truly in line with my personality is Shintoism. Animism is the cornerstone of my spirituality, and two of the gods I feel especially called to. I've read from some people that Shinto is not a closed religion, but I feel like me practising it would be intrusive.. and it's really hard to find English resources. Are non-Japanese welcome, and if so, where does one begin? Thank you for your time!

Hi there! Sorry it’s taken so long to reply – I’ve been away ata festival! Finally settling back in though.

Approach Shinto with respect and sincerity and it is open toanyone. Thedifficulty that can come with a religion like Shintoism is that what somepeople understand by it comes from when the Meiji era government tried toamalgamate centuries and centuries of folk beliefs and practises across a placeas huge and varied as Japan into a single “State Shinto” religion (which,well, I won’t go into a history lesson now, but it was more complicated than that and Shit Happened). Part of thishistory in which the religion was twisted by the state and reportedly used as atool for nationalistic propaganda is why (imo!) it’s very important to keepShinto open, accepting and unrestricted by politics. In matters of appropriation,historical and cultural context is everything (hence why this does not apply to other cultures and practises that have comethrough very different circumstances). Besides, what Shinto comes down to atthe basic level is acknowledging the living spirits in and around everything and everyone, everywhere. This is not a mindset that calls for exclusion.

As someone who was born into a Japanese family in Japan and had very much a “folk shinto” upbringing, I understand exactly why it can feel as though it’s hard to know where to start – after all, a lot of my practises were handed down to me through my family, and some of them I’ve never read or seen anywhere during my research on shintoism and Japanese folk religion, which just speaks to the sheer variety of practises across Japan! But I also have the experience of an immigrant, moving away from my homeland and then trying to fit together a spiritual belief system that at times seems so innately tied to the culture and geography of Japan (specific mountains, rivers, trees – not to mention my ancestral shrines being on the other side of the world). So, to the best of my ability, here are some tips (I am assuming you are living outside of Japan for this).

🌸 My circumstances have led my form of worship/spirituality to become very freeform, but I’m actually happier with that in a lot of ways. If possible, a kamidana (home shrine/altar to a kami/deity) is supposed to contain a shintai (an object a kami can possess/live within such as a special mirror) obtained from an official Shinto temple, and it’s possible to buy them (despite my practise veering away from the ‘official’ religious institutions, I still believe it’s a good thing to financially support Shinto temples, which are so important to Japanese culture!) (AKA, don’t just get them off of western profiteers on eBay…). I myself don’t have a temple shintai, finding a small offering space to be enough currently, however I will have family send or bring over omamori bought from temples. I guess what I’m saying is, you don’t have to have any ‘official’ items from temples, but I would consider getting some if at all possible at some point just to support the temples that are the material lifeblood of Shintoism and, for me, it makes me feel more connected to my home. Even if it’s just something small like an omamori!

🌸 If you are already strong on animism, you are already halfway there on the philosophy of Shintoism! The animistic side of the religion is one that speaks to me so much. Continue to meditate on this. So many Japanese folk tales and beliefs come from the idea of everything from objects to concepts having its own divine and living essence. One thing that comes to mind is to be respectful to your tools and possessions that have served you well – honour the spirits of everything. Recycling is a great way of doing this, as well as looking after all possessions in your care. Notice the small things, and the things that may seem outwardly ugly. And be eco friendly!

🌸 Do not underestimate the healing, transformative and transcendental power of ancestral contact and ancestral veneration. We don’t all have ancestral shrines, or access to them if we do, but they are not necessary. There are many ways to make this contact, as exemplified by its practise across a wide range of cultures, and if it’s something you have never done before, it can be life-changing. The first time I reached out to my ancestors as an adult and made that connection was an experience that, for me, helped to begin healing so many wounds left from my complex family situation and my separation from my first home, as well as leaving me with a lot to ponder.

🌸 If you are mindful of being appropriative or intrusive, a lot of it is common sense. However, it can be difficult when you come across things that are controversial within that religion or culture, or that you’re not sure you agree with. For example, the idea that the imperial family of Japan are descended from the sun goddess is one that I decline to entertain. Personally and politically, I reject all ideas of superiority/distinction by birthright, meaning emperors and monarchs on the whole I disagree with all by themselves, even if they are purely ceremonial. (The Japanese idea of the Emperor being descended from Amaterasu is more nuanced than western conceptions of divine rulers, btw, but my political leanings are radically leftwards.) As a non-Japanese person, how you navigate these things is down to you. I mean, you don’t have to navigate them at all, probably, but it feels worth mentioning. Just be mindful that you’re not mouthing off about things you don’t have the fully realised context of, or being straight-up rude about it. I fully respect viewpoints that differ from mine in this regard, and you can too.

🌸 I am currently based in the UK. Say a spiritualist native to here goes to a river near my house and offers a prayer to a river spirit, which she calls a nymph, and I go to the same river and offer a prayer to a river spirit, which I call a kami. Our prayers and offerings may be different, our belief systems may be different, but what’s to say that we’re not really speaking to the same thing? I believe that there are kami and similar spirits here, just like there are in Japan. Perhaps they’re just used to a different set of traditions, or manifest in different ways. If you practise shinto, please never disrespect or ‘compete’ with other religious and spiritual beliefs in its name. It is antithetical to its core beliefs.

This is incredibly long already… so I think I’ll leave it there! But hopefully this will act as some food for thought for you and might even have helped. Please feel free to ask any more specific questions, although as these answers may have made clear, my path is quite different to a lot of people’s conception of “official” shinto and I continue to veer further into the philosophical wilderness every day…

All the best with your spiritual journey!

🌸

[comicteaparty]

March 21st, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on March 21st, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on Asteroid 8082 by Will Quinn.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Asteroid 8082 by Will Quinn~! (https://asteroid8082.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

my favorite scene is probably at the beginning when corrina is getting a tour of the colony. i really love the design for the colony and how theres just like this conveyor belt that goes through the whole place. for the life of me i never wouldve thought of a design like that but it works so well in making it feel familiar, foreign, and futuristic

but i also like the door designs you see as they pass by because it still has that mark of needing to be kind of a sterile and effecient environment

but all around i really enjoyed how quickly and simply it built up the world in the background and really kind of drove home how corrina is in an entirely new situation

Knytt

Hmm, that's good to hear. I was worried about the sterility being too much

i mean, I'm used to drawing outdoor environments, so it was a challenge

Oh! I'm Will Quinn, by the way!

...

sorry, I forgot that wasn't clear on Discord.

RebelVampire

thank you for coming~! its nice to see a creator come by.

Knytt

well, I usually lurk around here

...but rarely comment

thank you for having me!

RebelVampire

another scene that i really enjoyed was the one where theyre kind of bantering over the hoverbike and corrina accepts the challenge and is like "nah i can drive." that was the moment where i truly felt that corrina was indeed a kid since she was trying so hard to look cool. but it was also a nice moment of vulnerability too in that way. like showing that you can be as mature as you want, but that doesnt mean peer pressure isnt there

Knytt

Yeah. Corrina really does try to act cool

And before that scene I guess she succeeded

RebelVampire

idk if she succeeded so much as a lot of scenes her uncoolness felt like it came from a different place of insecurity. like not so much peer pressure, but more from being alien to a new place and being insecure in her own adjustment

Knytt

Hmm, that actually reminds me of something.

When my spouse was reading the comic, she saw Corrina as the main character.

But my original idea was that Iris was (my spouse is an immigrant)

So I've always been curious about how people saw that

RebelVampire

i personally saw corrina more as the protagonist myself. not that iris wasnt a main character. but corrina felt more like the main of the main characters. but this is inherent bias that between the two, corrina was introduced first.

Knytt

I see!

Thank you

I should mention that chapter 3 was originally supposed to be the first chapter

RebelVampire

hmm, interesting. that def would have changed things then cause itd have been a lot more even.

but it is pretty even between the two as is. i just connected a bit more with corrina. i think it also has a lot to do that corrina feels like the more grounded character between the two. Iris as been on the asteroid for years upon years so none of the culture stuff feels weird to her or anything. Whereas Corrina is like "yup this is weird." and as an earthling who doesnt live on an asteroid, that is basically how you feel seeing everything. so corrina provides a really needed grounding influence for that reason. its a lot easier to understand how she feels in regards to the world and shes easier to sympathize with from the immediate start cause its kind of a fish out of water intro.

mathtans

Made it here. I rather liked the "no use of ozzes", just as one-off comedy.

Also the conversation near the start of "you live in one building?" "oh no, no... three".

Checking the backlog now. Yeah, the conveyer belt was a neat idea too. There's a lot of interesting science happening behind the scenes that comes out every so often, which is pretty neat.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. The comic’s setting is quite futuristic and different from Earth, causing a number of culture clashes for the characters. What ways of life on the asteroid interested you the most? What sorts of details did you notice in general in how the colony was culturally and physically structured? Of the culture clashes that occurred between the characters, which one did you find the most compelling and why? Which culture similarities did you notice remained between Earth and the asteroid colony? Why do you think those cultural elements and traditions stood the test of time? Last but not least, how similar or different do you feel other colonies would be?

hey math~!

i did enjoy that joke as well about the nah we live in three buildings

like that was supposed to be marketably better XD

mathtans

I think I see Corrina as the main, in large part because we see her arrive as the outsider. Outsiders are generally mains in stories, because stuff needs to get explained to them the way it needs to get explained to readers.

Also, she's from Earth, and so are we.

Hi Rebel & creator!

Knytt

Hi!

mathtans

One of the things that I found kind of interesting was the whole planet/asteroid loophole issue. Hadn't thought about how governing would work in that sense.

But there were also subtle details, like the colour of the sky on Earth.

RebelVampire

yeah i was really interested in the politics. especially cause they briefly mentioned a war and like...man. space wars already. thats a pretty heavy thing to admit in passing.

but it was interesting to see that there is some complicated governance stuff going on cause i feel thats reflective of how itd probably be in life

mathtans

I'm not sure I even picked up on the war aspect. It was more the trying to get rights and using ships as bargaining points.

It makes sense but I doubt I'd have thought of something like that.

Knytt

I'm glad someone liked these science/future bits, because I definitely spent a lot of time planning them! (compared to how often they come up, of course.)

And Math, there was a war mentioned briefly

mathtans

Yeah, that's always the lament of worldbuilding, you do all this stuff and then it never really comes up. The short strip about the gravity thing in between parts was a good way to do it though.

Oh, I don't doubt it, just mean it kinda sailed over my head.

Knytt

Actually, Iris's father was closely involved in the war, btw

RebelVampire

thats fair cause when i said it was mentioned in passing, i really mean it was mentioned in passing. but it was bad enough to cause some long lasting political effects for even their asteroid. and considering their asteroid is kind of out there, you can only imagine the effects it had on bigger colonies.

that is an interesting factoid

mathtans

Iris' father does seem the type

Knytt

I made an upcoming short comic where Corrina talks more about it

The war, I mean...

But it'll be in a printed anthology

mathtans

I wonder if the spacers know about trees and plants and stuff.

Though that reminds me of another interesting aspect, that whole idea of "wearing the clothes of another culture". And Iris is like, wear whatever.

RebelVampire

yeah i really liked how thinking of things like "oh that person is japanese" is considered archaic by iris

cause it opens up the question of at what point in someones heritage do they stop being one nationality and become another

and i liked seeing how that question had evolved in regards to space travel in the comic

cause space travel comes with a lot of huge punches in that arena

mathtans

Yeah, it's sort of a planet culture rather than a country culture.

But an asteroid isn't even big enough for a planet culture, so it's more of a mixed bag.

RebelVampire

yeah, but still i think the point stands. in that the comic really makes you think about what constitutes a culture and how a countries culture may no longer matter in the future. it may come to be entirely about each particular communities culture.

speaking of culture, i really liked the bit with corrina and iris arguing about child labor laws. i thought that was such an interesting piece of culture. but also sensible because generally a colony would need everyone pitching in to survive so it makes sense iris would help. not to mention i cant imagine theres much for a kid to do on an asteroid. yet, i also understand corrina's point. so it was just an interesting argument where both sides had some fantastic points even though nothing was solved.

mathtans

Community, that's a good way of putting it. And yeah, nice to have those grey debates where neither side is necessarily right.

Also, the way Iris summed it up later as "she concluded she was smarter than me" (or whatever it was) felt true to the age (whether it really is I dunno, but it felt that way).

Knytt

When I was writing a lot of these scenes, I was worried people would take it the wrong way, politically. I was trying to have sort of "grey" debates like you said, and I'm glad that came through

RebelVampire

yeah i think the comic did a great job of being more thought provoking than anything when it came to these sorts of areas. cause theres a lot to dissect.

like another moment i really enjoyed was how even though the asteroid is seemingly very disconnected from a lot of earth culture, everyone was still super stoked to watch some sports. so it was interesting to see how even when separated, older cultural phenomenons still kind of continue to be present. not to mention theres lots of one culture affecting another, even though its earth culture affecting colony culture in this case.

mathtans

That reminds me, the asteroid was always seemingly having internet troubles, yet the door to the food station room said "free wifi". I found that funny.

Knytt

Oh, that's right!

mathtans

It was also a bit amusing that when they finally got to watching the sports game, there was almost more interest in the field and the spectators.

RebelVampire

tbf wifi and internet are separate entities. you can have wifi without the internet. so not false advertising, just a useless service.

mathtans

Indeed!

I figure they bought the door surplus. One of those items they were paid money to take off someone's hands.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Though filled with lots to say about culture, the story also has a strong focus on character. For what reasons do you feel Corrina and Iris struggled with their relationship initially? Between the two, which one did you identify with more in regards to their feelings? By the end, did you feel the two characters truly overcame their issues with one another? Or, did you feel that there would still be many moments of strife between the two? Equally so, between all three children characters, how do you think their perceptions of each other changed over the course of the story? Finally, which character did you enjoy the most overall and why?

mathtans

I will say that as soon as Corrina confused Iris for a boy, I was shipping them. Or a future them in a few years, at any rate. Gotta get my ships in there.

Though I think wondering if Iris was a "fanboy" was almost the greater faux pas. With the implication of Corrina's popularity in there.

As to which character I enjoyed more... that's tough. It really kind of depends. I think maybe overall I prefer Iris, but she does go a bit too far sometimes - or in the case of giving up on fruitcake, maybe not far enough - and in those cases I'm more for Corrina.

Knytt

Heh, if I ship them too, is that canon?? I definitely identify with Iris more, but I like Corrina better I think

RebelVampire

i think i overall identified more with corrina more just because i felt corrina was trying hard at least to make friends while looking cool. whereas iris was just a grumpy bear of insecurity. so between the two corrina felt more sympathetic. not to say corrina was perfect cause that whole "fanboy" thing made me think "girl turn it down a notch we get it youre very cool"

Knytt

Yea, both of them need to take it down a notch...

RebelVampire

but tbf, i think the reason that they struggled with their relationship is that theyre super similar. cause they both seem to be insecure and have a desperate need to appear cool to each other. but because theyre trying to achieve the same thing, they both come off kind of pompous and butt heads. cause even though they have the same goal, they each handle it super differently. cause corrina is focused on kind of raising herself up to appear cool whereas iris feels like she wants to just not be looked down on.

Knytt

I worked as a teacher before doing this, so I tried to make them seem like the kids I taught

in terms of their insecurities

mathtans

Heh, canon ship is now in. Yeah, Corrina's more sympathetic, but I kind of like how Iris is outspoken at times, like even speaking up about politics and things.

I teach high school, so I kind of know the feeling.

Meanwhile the guy is just basically clueless to all that.

Superjustinbros

Hello!

I hope I'm not too kate~

RebelVampire

hey super~!

yeah i agree, between the two i felt iris was perhaps more worldly and that while she might know all the tech stuff corrina does, shes way more versed in like social and political situations than corrina

Superjustinbros

...Wow I'm amazed at how much progress this comic made in only about almost a year of production.

And it finds a way to work in monochrome as well

mathtans

I'm with the commenter on that one strip by the way, where Joe was saying to Iris "Corinna's the only cute girl out here", I'd have kicked him.

RebelVampire

i really do think the black and white suits the world too. makes it feel more space like.

i was super surprised joe got away with that XD

mathtans

Yeah, that's a good point, what with space being black.

RebelVampire

not that i dont understand where joe is coming from. not that iris isnt cute, but iris is also his bestie so automatically not available or even on the consideration block.

Superjustinbros

“i really do think the black and white suits the world too. makes it feel more space like.”

I second that- makes me wonder what will happen if the main cast ever lands on a regular planet- will the story suddenly shift to color?

mathtans

Oh yeah, I get it, guy be clueless because he grew up around her. I suppose I shouldn't complain, he'd spoil the Iris/Corinna ship.

Knytt

I'm not sure I'd be good at drawing Luna or Mars...

There's a short comic about Corrina on Earth though

(also black and white)

Superjustinbros

oh lol I didn't realize the creators were here, heh.

Knytt

Hiya!

Superjustinbros

Well I think the black and white works regardless

Hiya!

There's a good usage of clever shading to show depth

mathtans

I kinda wonder what it is they study out there. Aside from each other.

Superjustinbros

(also I'm in love with the simple character designs and the bead eyes, they fit the style of the comic)

RebelVampire

yeah i was wondering that too. especially in regards to what corrina did to get labeled a genius and made an intern despite her age.

Knytt

Corrina's main area of study is physics

specifically "gravity manipulation", a relatively new field that Iris's father helped develop

Superjustinbros

Sorry if I'm not focusing on the questions atm, I'm kind of stuck in conversations in other chats.

mathtans

So she understands the gravity of the situation.

Superjustinbros

"gravity", heh.

Knytt

slow claps

RebelVampire

yes, so im sure shell stay grounded in her studies

mathtans

I suppose gravity's lighter on an asteroid, must make things easier to monitor for fluctuations.

RebelVampire

this reminds me that one moment i found really funny was when they were fixing the tower and then the thing they used to fix it was a fraction of the size of the original

Knytt

Yep. That's how technology!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. As a slice-of-life, sci-fi, there is a lot to be said about the comic’s approach to life. In what ways did you see our present day lives represented in the comic? Additionally, how did the comic affect how you think about the way we live life right at this moment? Given this comic is also set in the future, what scenarios from the story do you think are the most plausible that we’ll see in real life once we reach that level of space travel? Alternatively, what scenarios do you feel might change due to the length of time it’s going to take for us to get to that future? Overall, what is your ultimate take away from the comic’s message about life, people, or anything related?

yeah. that was a moment i indetified with iris tho. cause it made sense cause that is how technology do, but i was equally confused how it was meant to be replaced at first when they didnt have a giant thing with them

mathtans

That remark reminds me of the fear of heights. It's nice to have little things like that which characters have to overcome, or otherwise delegate.

Superjustinbros

If the future happens I don't want it to be on nothing but meteorites and other extraterrestrial masses of land.

Feels... lonely too in a way

mathtans

I like how they still do stuff we do, like try to watch sports, or bake fruitcakes. Even if they don't necessarily do it often.

(Resulting in ghosts speaking to you, eerie.)

RebelVampire

i enjoyed that fruitcake was still considered mostly awful

except by joe who has nostalgia glasses for it

mathtans

Heh, yeah. Also, Christmas, still a thing.

(Who won the 'war on Christmas' then?)

Knytt

I thought "of course they'll still have Christmas"! We don't sacrifice a goat anymore, do we??

Superjustinbros

lol

Space Christmas: The holiday of the Future

mathtans

Well, in Sweden they kind of do. (Google 'straw goat'.)

Knytt

I've seen those! they're cool

RebelVampire

speaking of xmas i found it kind of humorous that iris kind of assumed joe was just in some sort of cult

Knytt

Oh yeah, the Pilgrims

I imagine any religion would seem a bit cultish to Iris.

RebelVampire

tbf tho there is kind of a fine line between a cult and religion in some respects. so it makes sense for any child to not really necessarily understand the difference.

Knytt

yea

mathtans

As to character bonding, the ship is maybe starting at the end there with the having something to drink together while watching the fruitcake.

RebelVampire

of the scenarios we see, i actually think the lack of attachment to nationality is the most plausible for a real life future for us. cause its hard to be attached to that when the world is spread out.

you mean your corrina iris ship?

mathtans

yis. must have yuri ships.

Superjustinbros

I second that, Rebel.

RebelVampire

https://asteroid8082.com/comic/chapter-2-page-11/

cause personally i thought that ship started there

cause knowing iris' personality she tots thinks that looks cute but wont say so

mathtans

Heh. I'd forgotten about that moment. It was nice too.

Iris probably kept the clothes in case Corrina changed her mind.

RebelVampire

tbf where would the clothes go otherwise?

its a 3 building colony that doesnt sell anything according to iris XD

mathtans

Maybe someone will offload some dept store dummies.

Superjustinbros

oh boy we got ships in this comic? owo

mathtans

We can ship Joe with one of the dummies.

Knytt

Iris think she's cute. pay attention to the phrasing: https://asteroid8082.com/comic/chapter-3-page-7/

mathtans

Finally a cute girl.

Good point there.

Incidentally, I wonder if 8082 has any particular significance.

RebelVampire

look at that ship sail

Knytt

the number 8082? hmm, not a lot

Superjustinbros

space ships

ba da ching

Knytt

I wanted it to be like "there are a lot of other asteroids; it's not important enough to have a name"

RebelVampire

that is the impression i got. that it was just a no name number cause heck there be a lot of colonies and asteroids and stuff

mathtans

I wondered if there was some kind of filing system, like it was system 80 and they were on the 82nd rock or something.

Knytt

There is a system! Asteroid 8082 isn't the 8082nd asteroid.

RebelVampire

the 82nd rock from the sun

Knytt

the 8 at the beginning is the number designation for that charter

so that's right!

There are 8 charters. think I mentioned that... so there are no asteroids in the 9000's

RebelVampire

interesting

https://asteroid8082.com/comic/chapter-4-bonus-2/ off topic but before i forget, i really liked this bonus comic. it was nice to see that there was kind of no reasonable expectation for the kids to fix it. and it more seems like adults being adults and just wanting the kids out of their hair so they can work.

Superjustinbros

Yeah.

mathtans

Ahh, that makes sense.

Yeah, that extra comic was fun, but I think in part because they were keen on the outcome too. Happy ending all around.

(Until they learn of the crash.)

RebelVampire

yeah i was kind of sad we didnt get to see them react to that

the adults

cause i bet that was a scolding about hovercraft safety

Knytt

I thought of making a bonus comic where Joe gets his hat back...

mathtans

Other ship: Joe and his hat.

It was nice that Iris cared about getting it back, when he couldn't seem to vocalize it.

Before the end, also want to mention that some of the science behind the scenes is cool. Like what happened when that hatch opened, I hadn't thought about that stuff.

RebelVampire

yeah i was a little surprised corrina was so cold hearted seeming about it. not that i didnt understand her point, just was surprised. especially considering corrina was the one who was like "lets make fruit cake for joe"

mathtans

Also the initial visual of walking away from the ship itself is interesting, what with wondering about being able to breathe.

I don't think Corrina was cold hearted, it was more, I'm busy trying to fly this thing, let's deal with that another time.

Superjustinbros

Anyways since the CTP is ending soon, I'd like to wish the authors luck on the rest of the comic- it's coming along great so far and the artstyle is amazing and well-drawn.

mathtans

Woohoo for bonus content.

Knytt

Thanks everyone for coming and talking!

mathtans

Thanks for creating!

Knytt

Oh, and if anyone's interested in that prequel story on Earth, it'll be in this kickstarter anthology (we just went live today!) https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/386994989/planetside-anthology?ref=cbco55

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Will Quinn, as well, for making Asteroid 8082. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Will Quinn’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://asteroid8082.com/

Will Quinn’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/willquinnart

Will Quinn’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/willquinnart

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Insecure: The Pilot

Lean Back and High Five Her and Say “GURL I KNOW!”

The Setup: Marchae has eagerly anticipated, seen, and adored the first season of HBO’s Insecure. Miri has been meaning to since it came out and now has finally seen the pilot. We really like positive peer pressure, apparently.

All four of us discussed the preceding web series Awkward Black Girl in a class at DePaul University.

As always, after the fact notes are in italics, gifs are not ours, and you can look forward to another reaction on Thursday! Up next: the 2011 rom-com Crazy, Stupid, Love.

MARCHAE: K! Let's go

How many episodes did you get to watch?

MIRI: Only the pilot, I’m afraid

😟

But I have left it queued up in another window because I might be in love with it

And may finish it by like Tuesday

MARCHAE: YAY

I am obsessed with it and took this as an opportunity to binge it for a second time

MIRI: That’s amazing

Ok, so general thoughts:

Issa Rae is just adorable

MARCHAE: God she is charming and it makes me ill!!!!! (In a good way)

MIRI: Like, her face is just great. She really sells the awkwardness and the asshole moments and you forgive her

I really liked that you can tell the some of the things she does are not condoned by the show

MARCHAE: Explain why don't you...

MIRI: Well, I think sometimes people want to play with bad behavior because it’s fun/interesting/dark/whatever but do so without having a clear opinion

So then it basically reads as the show endorsing whatever shitty behavior the characters have

Issa’s rap was mean. (It was amazing! but it was mean.) It was cruel to her friend and also kind of misogynistic

But it’s also shown to be kind of not ok

We’re not left wondering if that’s how Issa the character feels or how Issa Rae the creator feels. It’s clear

without being preachy/pedantic about it

I think sometimes wrtier/creator shows where the protagonist is a version of the creator have to be more aware of that line, and Insecure does it really well

MARCHAE: Yeah knowing the backstory of how hard she fought to maintain the original creative aesthetic of the show as it related to webseries I think makes that clear

MIRI: YES

MARCHAE: There were certain things she wasn't going to give up

MIRI: I also think it’s interesting how it has evolved from the web series. She’s at a different place in her life, so some of the elements have changed. (And not just the production value!!!) But the core of the show is still so there

MARCHAE: And she fought to keep. I don't think we are always supposed to "like" Issa but we are always supposed to "relate" to her so I can agree w you there for sure.  she has to keep a lot of the elements from before to make sure this show didn't turn into a "glossy" remnant of what it was originally intended to be

How do you feel about her and Mollys relationship?

MIRI: Yes! I love a show that trusts the character and the audience enough to let the character be a bit of a dick sometimes. We’re already on Issa’s side and they’ve got that beautiful last little scene to show us why we should put up with her dick moments to get to the good again

MARCHAE: I've been dying to talk to you about that but someone only watched the pilot *wags finger....then still loves you**

MIRI: hahahahahahah that’s fair and I accept it

I really like their relationship!

MARCHAE: I mean legit I was on her side the moment they said ISSA’S GOT A SHOW EVERYONE!!!

MIRI: I think it felt very lived in. They have some built up issues, but also a lot of built up love and trust

I also really liked the VO with Issa comparing herself and Molly earlier in the episode

I like the VO in general

It’s so bad when it’s done poorly, but when voice over is done well it works SO well

Especially with such an interior character as Issa

MARCHAE: We also get a lot from her rap sequences

(Which by the way are everything)

MIRI: 100% agreed

MARCHAE: And in that pilot when she's trying on the make up

MIRI: On both scores

Another really great sequence!

That’s interesting--some of the best moments are Issa by herself, or surrounded by people but only talking to/with herself in one way or another

MARCHAE: I feel like she as a writer knows how to really milk it

MIRI: Definitely

MARCHAE: But I have to say it I think it's also because she's a dynamic writer

MIRI: What do you mean by that?

MARCHAE: Sorry actor* who knows how to use her face and body to communicate as well

MIRI: Ahhhhhhhhh

Gotcha

Yes, she is doing so much in the performance

MARCHAE: I think the character is also incredibly nuanced and complicated

MIRI: btw, I was just on her imdb and I did not realize how much other acting she has done

And a ton of producing

MARCHAE: (And as an aside I am glad little girls will now grow up in a world where Issa is a household name)

Yeah she's had a dynamic career actually she wrote her first script I think in high school her... first feature

I think ABG is what gained her recognition

MIRI: Yeah, that sounds right

I’d love to talk about the differences in title and tone between Awkward Black Girl and Insecure

MARCHAE: YES

And I'm not sure I love the change

MIRI: Interesting. Why?

MARCHAE: I think they have very different connotations

MIRI: I do--or at least I like the tone change. I feel like Insecure (the tone of the show, not necessarily the title) has more understanding of WHY Issa is so awkward

She’s not just baseline awkward about everything. She’s very competent in a lot of ways! But she’s insecure and that shows itself as a lot of awkwardness

But I do like Awkward Black Girl better as a title

MARCHAE: I think especially as a black woman there is lots to be "insecure" about

MIRI: It’s so distinctive, and it very deliberately tells you that this is a story about a version of a black woman that you haven’t seen before on tv

(ABG, I mean)

MARCHAE: But there are far more daily scenarios in which s*** is just awkward for so many reasons

MIRI: Ohhhhh that’s interesting

MARCHAE: And for no good reason be it people's ignorance(like the legit definition)... be it just random things that happen like people touching your hair... invading your space.... the list goes on

MIRI: Yes, she’s insecure about plenty, but the amount of awkward situations the world creates way trumps the amount of weirdness she creates through her own insecurities?

(Not that insecurities aren’t often pushed onto people by the outside world)

MARCHAE: So they don't force you to be insecure which is a whollllleeeee separate conversation so much as that awkward start and stop that happens daily on life

MIRI: That makes a lot of sense

MARCHAE: Right so when it was ABG it was more about those awkward moments and that's fine and funny ok! But insecure and I want to be clear in my opinion takes a much more cerebral tone if you have lived through some of the themes she touches on through the season

MIRI: Right, I obviously have not seen the whole season to comment

Nor have I lived life as a black woman

So I’m going to defer to you on how much each title works thematically!

MARCHAE: (*Texting too fast .. my opinion is that I love the show... both shows)

MIRI: I’m sorry! I’m a youth who texts fast. Feel free to mock me

MARCHAE: LOL

I'm really trying to keep up also my thumbs get on the way

MIRI: Marchae is falsely convinced convinced that she has “man thumbs”

MIRI: I can’t buy a house because of all the avocado toast, I’m killing the diamond industry, etc, etc

KRIS: But also, fuck the diamond industry (although there was that one classical piece of music that De Beers, I want to say?, used in its commercials for awhile, and my 8th grade orchestra teacher brought it in, and I was annoyed when most of the class couldn’t get it, and a classmate rightly called me out for being a dick about it, and the teacher just kind of chuckled to herself, and where were we?)

Also I’m doing this on my laptop, which is way faster

Ok, back to the show--one thing I always loved about the web series and continue to love about the HBO show is that it is extremely relatable

And it does that not through staying super vague and broad, but by going really specific

MARCHAE: Ok keep going I want to know more more more

MIRI: Well I think anything I have to say will be a poor retelling of what the amazing Jessica King covered in our web series class

but if you try to keep a character vague and applicable to everyone, no one will ever really identify with them

But Issa is so specific and clearly drawn. She and I are very different, but the specifics help to create moments that are universal

MARCHAE: That's incredibly true but this show does it with ALL of them

And it's so good even Molly!

MIRI: Very true! It’s so easy to just talk about Issa, but it’s true across the board from what little I’ve seen

I’ve never had a class of students call me out about about my hair, but I’ve felt awkward as fuck talking to a large group of people, or realizing I was supposed to be in charge but didn’t feel like it

MARCHAE: Miri you have to finish because you've already touched on things that will come up later

MIRI: I promise I will!

And we’ve all had that friend who fits in across different groups and you kind of hate them a little bit because you feel like you barely fit anywhere

MARCHAE: Now see I legitimately HAVE BEEN ISSA

MIRI: But also you love them, obviously

MARCHAE: Yup

MIRI: Tell me more

MARCHAE: Well for one I work at a non profit for kids

They question everything about your life, clothing choices etc to the point you question your own life choice... simultaneously I've also been in that awkward position of having to tell people to stop telling black/brown children what they *need* to be doing or going

The hair thing is a constant struggle and I even had a boss call my locs "those things" and try to touch

So it's real

MIRI: THAT IS NOT OK

MARCHAE: I do appreciate that she allows for a bit of levity and you feel almost compelled to lean back and high five her and say "GURL I KNOW!"

MIRI: There is merit in using humor to address real and difficult shit

MARCHAE: I was typing something similar

But it also allows for dialogue

To be open about why things are

MIRI: Because the people who already know about it both need to see themselves and to not have to slog through the mud emotionally to do so

And it makes it easier for people who haven’t lived that kind of experience to be opening to hearing it

MARCHAE: It is a great primer

MIRI: Which is obviously not Issa Rae or anyone’s job, but can be the most effective

MARCHAE: THANK YOU!!!

It becomes emotionally taxing at times

there is also Molly who tackles the notion of the black woman never getting married

The more educated she is

The show really picks at a lot of the stereotypes and things women go through

But as you've said she manages to make it universal

And allows you to feel like you can ask questions or be empowered to learn about where we are

Sorry I feel like me and my thumbs have  highjacked your reaction

MIRI: Hahahahahah it’s both of our reaction!

Also it’s a half hour show that I have only seen the pilot of so far, so I can’t actually speak to a lot of what they’re clearly laying the groundwork for

yet

But I will!

I’m looking forward to seeing how much through line there is here

It doesn’t feel like a classic sitcom where it’ll just be the story of the week every week

But I don’t know if that means it’ll be very serialized or not

MARCHAE: It definitely has a serial element

And definitely builds

MIRI: oh good

MARCHAE: Yeah

MIRI: Also just in terms of production values I’m looking forward to seeing more of it--I’ve seen some gifs and it’s a beautiful looking show

MARCHAE: MIRI

MIRI: WHAT

MARCHAE: It is so pretty to watch and the cool things they do with lighting to juxtapose Issa and Molly

I freaking gasp

(Internally)

KRIS: This is a pretty long lighting digression, and it’s only loosely connected to this particular point about Insecure, but I think it’s pretty important. From an interview with John Cho:

"There's an eye, and it's not a malicious eye, which is a way that the people working the camera and behind the scenes view [Asian actors]. And then they process it and they put it on film. And it's not quite human. Whereas Asian films, they are considered fully human. Fully heroic, fully comic, fully lovely, fully sad, whatever it is. And it's this combination of lighting, makeup, and costume.

"If you don't think of a person as fully human, you sort of stop short and go, That’s good enough. Do you remember Doug Liman’s film Go? I remember Taye Diggs in that movie, and he was charcoal black. I was surprised to see him in How Stella Got Her Groove Back — I realized that Go was not an accurate representation of his skin tone whatsoever. And I've met him. He was carelessly lit. Why is that? Why is one carelessly lit? The white people were carefully lit."

MIRI: Yay! Looking forward to it

MARCHAE: I mean you see it in the pilot too though

Mollys job is bright and shiny

MIRI: Right, I mean looking forward to continuing to see more of it

MARCHAE: Issa's home is really dark

MIRI: Yes! Issa’s job is very industrial lighting

MARCHAE: (Oh my bad)

MIRI: (No, I wasn’t clear!)

MARCHAE: Then the classroom even has a very different kind of gritty aesthetic

I also want to pay a nod to the way Issa chooses to express herself through the hip hop lens

And you mentioned it briefly earlier in a different context

I honestly think it is empowering to see her rap -and even though mean- "broken pussy" in many ways is kind of the inciting incident for the rest of the series

MIRI: Oh, totally! From what I can tell from the pilot it’s both a moment of empowerment--I can do this! I can be amazing at this!--and a reminder that living for yourself doesn’t mean stepping on others to do so

So there’s a lot of journey set up there

Also she’s just a really good rapper and I look forward to getting to hear her do more

MARCHAE: RIGHT

I mean I rap at myself but she's like good ... I am not

MIRI: (btw if you really want the people to understand the ways in which you ARE Issa, we should include video of you rapping to Hamilton)

Wait you rap like you make up your own raps?

HOW HAVE I NOT EXPERIENCED THIS???

MARCHAE: I do and I do not write them down

It's not a thing

MIRI: It clearly is a thing

MARCHAE: I mean not really and it's usually just like chants

MIRI: A thing that has been hidden from me for three years

I’m very excited about this

MARCHAE: So on that way I am like Issa like words that rhyme come out of my mouth

MIRI: What is the tone/subject matter of your rap?

MARCHAE: See it's not rap

It's like empowerment chants

MIRI: Cool! That sounds very affirmational, which we could all use

MARCHAE: Like: you got this get it, get it ...they caint mess wit it...wit it

See that's different than a rap

LOL

MIRI: I mean it’s on the way to being rap

MARCHAE: NOooooo

I would never do it in public

Or in front of others and Hamilton is like rap-lite

I mean we all rap to Hamilton

MIRI: It’s the one thing that can unite everyone

KRIS: ...We’re going to have a Hamilton-related Reaction at some point, aren’t we

MIRI: Obviously

MARCHAE: Also true!

I really can't wait for you to watch the rest of the show

I'd love to dig deeper with you about the Molly/Issa dynamic as it evolves in terms of how women relate

MIRI: Ok, well we will just have to do another once I’ve finished the season

And when does season two drop? I know they’re already filming

MARCHAE: What other reactions did you have to the pilot (also I feel like KM does a way better job of asking good questions)

I thinkkkk July

MIRI: My immediate reaction was “That’s SO far away!” and then I realized it is not and omg we’re already nearly halfway through the year

MARCHAE: HA!!

You can watch the pilot of Insecure for free on Issa Rae’s YouTube channel

MIRI: Ok, other pilot reactions:

I am always a sucker for junk food/good food as shorthand for women bonding and being themselves

I know it’s done a lot, but it’s still so rare to see women actually eat on tv that it gets me every time

MARCHAE: Oh yeah I forgot about that!  

And it's not a carrot stick or single cheese cube

MIRI: No! Fake cheese powder or bust

MARCHAE: HA

MIRI: (Seriously, though I love every example of this kind of thing--Supergirl, Agent Carter, One Day at a Time)

I didn’t have much interested in the boyfriend that she sort of dumps, but I don’t really think I was supposed to

MARCHAE: (It also reminds me of family and home like you eat with those people you're living with related to comfortably and unapologetically)

MIRI KEEP WATCHING

MIRI: WAIT DOES HE COME BACK AND HAVE REAL STORY?

MARCHAE: you will develop interest I'm trying hard not to spoil

GIRL you have no clue

MIRI: You are definitely spoiling that things happen, if not how or what exactly happens

But I’m ok with it

MARCHAE: (Also I may include a few books to read with this post)

MIRI: You can add all the links you want

Or tell me and I’ll add them

MARCHAE: Oh shoot I really don't need to be doing this LOL

I don't love her guy I will say that and not because he does anything I think more or less I want to know what they were like before and I'm afraid I'll never know that

Because good writers start the storylines where the action starts

And I'm also the only person who always wants to tell the story of how we got here

MIRI: I think there can be merit in both 

Depending on the story

And how we got here is a different sequence of action, but it can be action nonetheless

MARCHAE: True but here I know in my heart it's less important (right now this season)

Season 1*

MIRI: Anyway, I think that’s what I have to say for the pilot. I’m really looking forward to seeing more and being able to talk about the season arcs next time!!!

For now, it’s a really fun, very watchable show. You can get a lot from it without it feeling heavy to watch or anything like that. Issa is a super likable character who is clearly going to make some bad choices and some good ones and I am super excited to watch that play out

MARCHAE: Same!!! This has been fun and we WILL check back in!!!

MIRI: Woo!

Marchae’s Recommended Reading

The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl - Issa Rae (Atria, 2016)

How to Be Black - Baratunde Thurston (Harper, 2012) *The audio version is preferred

For more a cerebral understanding of some of the thematic references in the show:

Is Marriage for White People?: How The African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone - Ralph Richard Banks (Plume, 2011)

Disintegration: The Splintering of Black America - Eugene Robinson, (Doubleday, 2010)