#&& c. zero / song of the end

[aetherose]

I wanna write Zero regenerating in a thread someday just to horrify the muse she's with because of how 'what the fuck' it is that she's reforming a body from the flower in her eye and seemingly turning herself inside out or something as her original body is just gone by the end of it.

And it's also definitely insanely painful for her but she just has no regard for herself and has gotten used to it. Oh Zero dear you've got so many issues.

[ericscroptop]

Work Hard, Play Harder

✧ pairing: bf! sunwoo x gf! reader

✦ genre: smut w/ hints of fluff

✧ warnings: 18+ (minors DNI), smut, p!rn without plot, inexperienced and a bit shy reader, nervous/insecure about sex, fingering, dirty talk, c!m tasting from both, praising, pet names, cursing, kissing, marking, fluff

✦ word count: 5.4k words

✧ synopsis: you laying on his bed is so enticing. he can’t help that he wants to play with you and show your fried brain a little fun.

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How foolish of you to think even for a second that you’d be able to get homework done with Kim Sunwoo in the same room?

Normally, you’d get your assignments and whatnot done in isolation because you work best with minimal-to-zero distractions. But today, you’ve somehow let Sunwoo convince you to do homework in his bedroom.

The past couple days, you hadn’t seen your boyfriend much. Schedules were opposite and conflicting, so it was only today that each of you had a slot of free time.

Still, you recalled that you had a task to complete before a deadline that was approaching. The sooner you finished it, the better.

Today seemed like a perfect day to lock in, but Sunwoo kept texting you that he missed you so much, insisting you two should hang out.

While you also missed him, it would be the smarter choice to get your homework done before you hangout with him. Which, is what you tried to tell him. But while you were mid-text, he was already knocking on your door.

You lectured him for bothering you, knowing you’d fold for his big pleading eyes, plump pouty lips, and his sweet voice.

Next thing you know, he’s telling you to grab your laptop and book bag, and driving you over to his place to work on schoolwork together. There’s a few assignments he should probably get around to doing anyways, too. So, a study date it is then!

That’s how you found yourself lying on your stomach over his bed, head facing the end of it, laptop and other essentials spread out in front. Meanwhile, he sat with his back against his pillows and headboard, laptop sitting over his lap.

After about an hour of having small snacks, chatting, and catching up from the days you’ve been apart, (which is exactly why you needed to be locked up alone to avoid distractions like him), you sighed when you realized the time you let pass and recalled what you were supposed to be doing in the first place.

Perhaps it was good to recharge with Sunwoo before getting to work; that way, you both at least got some of that pent-up excitement out from not seeing each other.

Well… that’s what you had hoped.

Now, you each settled into your own spots on his bed, a blended playlist of you guys’ current favorite songs playing faintly in the back via his laptop. Some sound was needed to fill the silence while you two worked.

You bounced from tab to tab on your screen while you began researching and citing quotes for the paper you’re working on. It’s tedious and frustrating to craft it, but you’re determined to write a mean paper that’ll hopefully get you an A.

Every now and then, you’d just stare at your screen blankly, complaining mentally in discouragement, or trying to conjure up ideas for the way you phrase your next sentences. But in other moments, you get inspired and furiously type away, getting into the groove of having ideas flow out smoothly.

Sunwoo smiles to himself when he hears your fingers clicking the keys at an unremitting rhythm. It seems like you know what you’re doing, when in contrast, his discussion post prompt is sending daggers at him, patiently waiting for him to actually start it.

It’s not difficult to become distracted, especially given the fact that he’s doing something mundane like homework. It’s such a chore, one that was crucial to his academic success.

Bullshitting his assignment or procrastinating even more sounds inviting. Even you had your moments where you don’t try as hard and leave things till last minute because it’s exhausting to even think about. But Sunwoo said you guys would do homework, so he should get on it.

Your form working diligently on his bed only distracted him further. How could he focus when watching your engrossed state looked more appealing?

He’s unable to see your face of concentration, only listening to the occasional exasperated groans that would leave your throat, and watching the way your feet would sway in the air in different directions, at various tempos and patterns. He’s noticed how fidgety you’d get sometimes, particularly with your legs. Your feet also would rub together and draw shapes into his comforter while you worked.

It’s endearing to watch your habits, not aware that he has disregarded his discussion post to admire you instead.

As he’s observing the way your legs roamed freely, he shamelessly starts to wander his eyes over the rest of your body.

Since all you planned for today was to be swamped in your paper, you dressed comfortably. A baggy t-shirt and sweat shorts was your attire of the day.

Your legs are left exposed. He soaks in the detailing of your skin, and runs his eyes to your bottom.

Sunwoo likes to think he’s a respectful man, and you’d definitely agree. He’s always patient with you, respecting your boundaries and has always been a gentleman. He treats you like any other human— with kindness, but is extra affectionate and clingy because he’s obsessed with you.

He thinks highly of you. While he loves you for your personality and quirks, he also sees you as visually stunning. His heart pumps fondly and blood rushes when he eyes your physical features.

While decorous, he has to admit that he does stare at various parts of you for a little too long. How could he not in situations like now, where your rear is facing him? Somehow, your oversized shirt bunched upwards, leaving the swell of your ass for his viewing pleasure.

Even though you were clearly clothed, he still had an imagination. He started picturing how your ass would look unveiled. Thinking about exploring every curve of your body with his lips and hands. Wondering about what delicious sounds you’d make when doing naughty things with him.

Unconsciously, you were tantalizing him.

His mind is going towards the gutter. You’re just trying to write your paper like the good student you were, while he was yearning for some attention from you. You were on the bed together, but you made it clear you meant business.

Though, Sunwoo doesn’t think he can wait much longer to hold you for as long as he pleases.

“Baby, can you read this real quick for me?” he suddenly asks. His eyes are entreating as they look at the back of your head. He still has yet to write a single word for his assignment, meaning he just came up with an excuse for you to pay any mind to him. His laptop isn’t even over him anymore; it’s been pushed to the side.

“Gimme a sec.” you uttered, fingers typing quickly and face still directed towards your screen.

He grins mischievously in the short amount of time you finish writing out one last sentence before switching your focus towards him. The grin falters into a faint smile once you fully turn around, scooting up until you’re right next to him.

“You actually got some work done? I’m impressed.” you scoffed, prepared to read his assignment.

You see he doesn’t bring his laptop to his lap or hand it over to you, making you raise your brows in question. Instead, he makes the move of pulling you in between his legs.

“Hey! What are you doing! Stop—” you choked out but interrupted yourself with broken giggles due to how ticklish you were.

Your heart was pounding, startled and delirious as your form was now in between his legs. His arms wrapped around your waist, holding you firmly with your back pressed against his chest.

His chin settles into your shoulder, turning his head to graze his lips over the shell of your ear.

“You’ve been working too hard. Let’s take a break, hm?”

You’re stiff as hell. You guys have kissed one another, made out, cuddled, took naps together, etc., but your body and mind still malfunctioned when you were this near to him.

All the focus centered on the tension from close proximity. You could hear his breathing and sense his air from such fanning over your neck and ear.

“You didn’t actually get anything done, did you?” you muttered, fingers clutching the skin of your thighs as he invaded your personal space. It’s not that you didn’t like it— quite the opposite, actually. You just didn’t know how to react.

“How can I when we haven’t properly spent time together?” he hums, pushing some of your hair back to start leaving soft kisses over your sensitive spots. Instinctively, you shut your eyes and angle your neck, succumbing to his tender gesture.

“Sunwoo… my paper.” you reminded him as his kisses were seemingly growing fervid. Somehow your shirt exposed your shoulder, riveting him to redirect his mouth to the spot. A hand of his rubs your clothed tummy, dragging wet kisses across the bare skin.

Your body shivers, goosebumps appearing instantly. Uninhibitedly, you squeezed your thighs and let out a shaky breath. Your body temperature was rising and you felt so small.

“It can wait. I can’t. I missed you so much.” he voices. His hands loosen from your stomach and he brings one of them to your hair, smoothing over your locks.

By this point, you gathered strength to turn your head somewhat to look at him. With his free veiny hand, he cups your cheek, searching every inch of your face with his orbs as if he’s trying to memorize it.

“Did you miss me, too? Tell me you missed me.” his big dark, yet soft eyes hold vulnerability and longing. His look leaves your throat parched, still growing hot all over. You even feel something akin to a heartbeat down south between your legs.

Sunwoo was so needful. That’s one of the things you liked about him. He was cool and collective to the public and friends, but when around you, he never abstained his openness about how much your presence soothed him.

“You know I always miss you.” you answered, still maintaining eye contact with him as he continued to hold your cheek. Deep down, he knew your answer but still wanted to be affirmed aloud. It contented him, but he needed you to touch him back now.

He takes initiative to close more distance between you two, leaning his face further until his nose is brushing against yours.

You can feel each other’s breath face to face. He brushes his features over yours, his nose and lips grazing past your own in a gentle back-and-forth motion.

“Kiss me, baby.” he ghosts over your lips. You’re breathless by just his teasing actions, your own nails digging into your thighs to keep yourself grounded.

It’s impossible to refuse his precious plead. He’s caught you like a fish on a hook. You fall for the bait of his charms, and connect your lips with his own.

The kisses shared start out moderate, lips meeting and touching, pressure light. Your back still rests against his chest, slightly at an angle to continuously kiss him. He keeps you near to his liking by not letting that one hand of his part from your face.

It doesn’t take long before a few tastes make you both greedy.

The sounds of your lips puckering and the sensation of one another’s appendage meeting together creates heightened sensations. You each start fighting for more. It evolves into something wetter, his tongue darting out to flick against yours, tongue tips touching.

Desperation clouded your mind with the way this has grown into making out. Sunwoo has your body unable to remain calm, wiggling and unthinkingly pushing your core down into his mattress

Your breathing alongside his, has grown heavier. Although whipped in chasing your lips, he clearly catches the low moan that lets out your throat.

The naughty sound has him smirking against your mouth. There’s excitement within him, mentally and physically. His manhood is getting pumped full of blood, warming up and swelling the more you two make out fiercely.

His lustful instincts get him to maneuver his free hand towards your thigh. Since your shorts were generously short, he had easy access to your bare skin. His palm and fingers stroked it, making your spine and pussy shiver at how close he was to your private area.

As you two continue with the fiery embrace, he’s only wishing for more contact and intimacy. His fingers start trailing towards your inner thigh, dangerously closer to your covered sex.

Having his hand near such a concealed and sensitive spot makes you shut your thighs together on impulse, thus squeezing his hand in the process.

You butt your back against him the more touchy he gets, causing you to take note of something firm prodding into your lower back.

If you’re not mistaken, you think that is his—

“You got me so hard, baby.” Sunwoo rumbles, parting lips for a moment to catch your breaths. He’s burning for more of you. And while he also is igniting something within you, you’re unfamiliar in what happens next.

“Feel that? It’s ‘cause of you doll.” he slightly pushes himself against you, as if you two aren’t already close together. His erection is hard to not notice now, bringing you interest yet anxiousness.

While you guys have been dating for a decent amount of time, there hasn’t been any initiation of doing anything past kissing and cuddling. You didn’t think much of it— as you were still a virgin. And as horny as you still got from time-to-time, you were a tiny bit apprehensive for the day you did do something sexual with someone.

You imagine that right now is when things go further for you two.

“Sunwoo… I haven’t… I’ve never…” your cheeks got hot and reddened, feeling a bit embarrassed to have this conversation. You didn’t want to let your boyfriend down or kill the mood.

He stilled behind you, eyes softening once your words clicked in his head. Your eyes avoided his own, fidgeting with your limbs.

Although you felt mortified, Sunwoo believes he should be the one to feel ashamed. You two never had the conversation of sex before, so how would he have known? But nevertheless, the last thing he’d want you to feel is distressed or cross a boundary he shouldn’t have.

“Shit… did I make you uncomfortable? Hey, look at me.” he thumbs your cheek with one hand while the other goes to enfold one of your own, holding it lovingly.

You do look at him, worried that you’d disappoint him with your lack of experience, palms all sweaty.

“I… I’ve never done anything past making out.” you admitted more clearly.

“That’s okay. We don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready or comfortable with it. I’m sorry if I got too carried away.” he offers you an apologetic look, still caressing your cheek delicately.

“We should get back to doing our homework. I shouldn’t have bothered you.” his voice is genuine, tinged with regret of letting his hormones loose.

The look on his face, the way he shows that he respects you, and his apology (that you believe was not needed but still kind), has you melting. He’s definitely sheepish, but you don’t want him feeling that way.

If anything, Sunwoo was working you up. Sexual frustration was becoming a bitch to you. Your core’s experiencing a wind of warmth, unable to dismiss it. You think you need some sort of alleviation.

“Babe,” you reached a hand up to his hair, shaking your head while massaging his fluffy strands.

“I really want to do stuff with you. So bad, Sunwoo.” there’s so much honestly within your words and tone, longing and sentiment coating your orbs.

“I just don’t know… I don’t know how i’ll react or if you’ll like me.” you almost whisper, suddenly insecure of yourself now that you’re admitting this aloud to your boyfriend.

Every now and then, you wondered what it would be like to get intimate with another person. It would be vulnerable for you to show your bare body to someone. You can’t help but overthink that Sunwoo might not feel satisfied with you, or that you wouldn’t enjoy it— possibly finding it uncomfortable, instead.

Without a doubt you trusted him, but fearing unfamiliar territory was natural. You simply didn’t know what to expect.

How would you know unless you actually tried it?

A scoff comes out of Sunwoo, followed by an empathetic smile.

“Of course I like you, silly girl.” he chuckles, reaching for the hand that was in his hair and connecting it with his own. He gives it a reassuring squeeze, prompting the corners of your lips to raise in seeing and hearing him make that gentle sound.

“I love you, Y/n.” I will cherish every part of you. You’re so damn beautiful.” he brings your hand to his lips, dotting soft kisses over your knuckles. His other hand stays on your hip protectively.

“You’re safe with me. I wanna treat my girl right. I’m yours.” he means all of it, clear sincerity as bright as day twined in his tone and words.

Hearing his words is dulcet to your ears. There’s this wave that washed over you. It’s like a sea that gets you lost. Lost but secure from his touches and statements.

“I want you to feel comfortable with me. You’re the priority here. If you don’t wanna do anything that’s completely fine.”

“But if you wanna, we can start slow. If you give me the okay, i’ll take care of where it aches.”

It feels like your tummy does a somersault at that. You’re positive your cheeks are flushing, all rosy with how he always knows the right things to say. He really does care about you.

As if on cue, your pussy throbs more when he acknowledges that it must be craving for some stimulation.

You’re feeling so shy about letting him see or touch your bare sex, but one look at those bambi eyes of his and you think you’re ready. Ready for Sunwoo to help pleasure you.

Amenability glazes your eyes when you look at him. Although still slightly lacking confidence, you’re sure you want to take your relationship somewhat further.

“Okay…” it comes out faintly from your voice. You pause for a few before gaining strength to speak up a bit. “Touch me, Sunwoo. Please.”

Sunwoo’s gaze is tender as you spoke with vulnerability, granting him permission to un shield a part of yourself that you reserved for someone you trust and care for deeply.

That someone being him.

A part of him is nervous to touch you. He’s not planning on going past fingering with you for now, but he still wants to make this an enjoyable experience for you.

Aside from that ounce of concern, his body is overly excited to reach third base with you. It’s been awhile since he’s sensually touched someone else. Your existence brought him so much warmth, and he often craved to have you in sexual ways.

He’s been a patient boy. And now, you were going to allow for him to rub you as he pleased.

He’s determined and delighted to give you some delectable pleasure. To show you how much he cares about you through this new form of intimacy.

You feel like you’re hallucinating and definitely are perspiring and clammy from anticipation. Even so, you weren’t going to let your nerves fuck you over. You wanted to try this.

Once more, he double checks to ensure your consent, and you simply nod with a positive ‘yes.’

“I’ll take it slow. Just relax for me and I’ll do all the work. Lemme know if you wanna stop or if anything hurts, alright, baby?

“I love you, Sunwoo.” you smiled, all misty eyed from how caring he was being in this moment.

“I love you, too, Y/n.” he returns your smile, then gravitates his lips towards yours. You kiss passionately, but the embrace of lips is still smooth. It further stresses the respect and cosmic attachment he has for you— and vice versa.

After lip locking, his hands begin to explore your skin. With you sitting in between his legs, he directs you to lean back comfortably. His hands creep their way under your shirt, tracing your bare sides up and down like he had all the time in the world.

He also patted at your stomach, smoothing over it protectively. Instead of diving his fingers straight into your sex, he wanted to ease up your body first to get used to these sensual touches of his.

Slithering downwards from your abdomen, he continues to love up on your body, massaging the flesh of your thighs.

It’s his mission and wish to soften your core and muscles, getting you to enjoy this moment. Additionally to his tactile movements, he pairs them with words laced with so much sugar that he’s starting to give you a rush.

“Body so soft.”

“Never wanna let you go.”

“You belong here in my arms, hm.”

“Such a sweet, sweet girl.”

In between compliments, he rotates from kissing your temple, cheek, and the corner of your mouth. Your head rests back against his shoulder, eyes resting shut as you feel yourself getting more and more comfortable and aroused by the minute.

When his dominant hand finally finds itself in between your legs and over your clothed crotch, your breathing grows shaky from him cupping at it, shivering at the hold.

“You okay?” he doesn’t remove his hand but stills it, making sure you’ve not grown uncomfortable.

To answer, your thighs squeeze his hand, willingly grinding down into it.

“Keep going, show me more.” you whimpered, getting Sunwoo to smug at your reaction to his efforts. Oh, just you wait.

“Gonna take off your shorts, hm?”

You let him do it, and when they’re off, your bottom is left in your cotton panties. They’re not the most sexy undergarment, and you honestly wish you would’ve worn a different pair. But that was not on Sunwoo’s mind at all.

All he cared about was that he’s one more layer closer to his treasure. He’s beyond excited to meet your pussy. The view of your soft panties being the only thing that comes in between his hand and your folds is heart-stopping.

His fingers experimentally touch your pussy lips through the fabric, slightly applying pressure teasingly. You quake at the touch, a breath stuck in your throat as he strokes the area.

His plump lips part and shift into an amused expression, pleased in how he’s getting you going.

“Hurry… please, Sunwoo.” you whined, cheeks definitely blushing at how overly needful you sound— and are.

A chuckle escapes from Sunwoo’s throat, “Patience, doll. You’ll get my fingers, ‘kay?”

Given how keyed up you are, he strips the last bit of fabric off with your cooperation. Now tossed away, your sex is exposed to the air, and Sunwoo finally gets to touch it raw.

His fingertips carefully sweep over your vulva, tonguing at his teeth when he feels moisture. You shyly mewl at the bare contact.

“Fuck, so wet for me. You excited, baby?” his throat rumbles.

You whined again, red-faced at the vulnerability of all this. In response, he kisses your cheek for comfort, still exploring your outside parts.

“Don’t be embarrassed. How can you be so cute and sexy, hm?”

Before you know it, he finds your clit and nudges at it with diligence, earning a squeak turned moan from you. Bingo.

It inclines you to push your hips upwards, squirming at your boyfriend touching you like this. It’s so different to have someone else play with your cunt. Different, but you can see yourself becoming addicted to it.

He only allows himself to tease your bundle of nerves for a few before diverting his fingers lower, starting to trace around your hole.

“Relax for me.” he murmurs. You let out a breath, allowing him to use his left hand to rub your knee in support, and encourages you to spread your legs out a little more. “Doing so good. Yeah, that’s it.”

After coaxing you, he unexpectedly removes his hand away from your sex. You huff out and draw your mouth open in confusion and protest, but nothing else comes out when you watch Sunwoo stick a finger in between his lips, too stunned at the close-up scene of something so erotic.

For extra insurance, he pops a finger in his mouth to lube it with saliva, lathering it well. He’s aiming for this to go as smoothly as possible.

He smirks while you watch, humming before taking it out and moving back to your cunt.

Once again, he circulates over your entrance, teasing you more before he at last, slips that one finger prudently past your slit.

A whimper bounces out of your mouth from the initial stretch, accommodating to the sensation of your boyfriend’s finger making its debut.

“Ahhh, mhm…”

“Shhhh… It’s okay, I gotchu. Gonna make this feel so good for you.” He gives you heartening kisses, still lingering not that far in yet, giving you time to soak it in slowly.

He’s pretty patient. The last thing he wants to do is hurt you. Even if you’re impatient for it, he keeps his movements gentle and careful.

A little at a time, he has a decent portion of his finger inserted. He doesn’t move immediately so you can fully adjust.

You then give him the green light, and so he starts playing with your inside.

His finger testingly swirls, intrigued to discover this new territory that gets to be his home— for hopefully forever.

Soft moans come out your mouth before you realize, and you’re suddenly too aware of this intimate situation, feeling like you’re getting a fever.

It’s taking everything in you to not squirm. You opt for burying your face into your boyfriend’s neck in attempt to cover more smutty sounds and burning face.

Sunwoo is displeased with that, though. He halts his finger, pausing any action.

Your brows furrow and the sudden lack of motion has you lifting your head up.

“Why’d you stop?” your eyes were filled with worry. Maybe he’s bored or something’s wrong?

“Don’t hide from me.” his voice is serious. “Lemme hear those pretty moans”

Oh.

His finger moves again. Only this time, he starts to curl it and begins a slow flow of driving it in and out of you.

“Hmmphhh!” you whimpered, breath shaky and heart beat ascending at how sensational it is to have someone fucking you with just their finger.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” he smirks, not planning on stopping until he pushes you to your breaking point.

Your sex hormones are going wild, feening for incessant sexual pleasure until you can’t take it anymore.

You’re bucking down to meet the movement of his finger, it having grown not enough rather quicker than you anticipated. Sunwoo has to titter at that, wowed to see how fast you’ve adjusted, and yearn for more.

Since you’re so desperate, he doesn’t warn you when he pushes a second finger past your hole. You gasp, followed by a curse word at the additional stretch.

“Shit, this tight pussy must love me.” his voice is breathy and deep as he feels your walls grip at his fingers.

He’s fucking your cunt now with two fingers, gradually with more pressure and firmer. His fingers pump against the ridges of your walls, moving and bending them, thus bringing you highly concentrated pleasure to your core.

Your arousal soaks his long fingers, above turned on that your hot boyfriend’s hand is creating a new high for you that you thought was unimaginable.

He inflames you even more when he starts to nip at your neck. His mouth’s latched onto your skin while down below, his thrusts just become deeper and deeper. He’s too keen on giving you a divine time that you’d think about for the rest of your life.

“Right there, Sunwoo! Oh my God, s-so good!” you gasped out when he hits a spot that scratches your senses so good.

“Right there, huh?”

Luckily, your boy knows what he’s doing, so he continues to hit that spot continually and not let up. He believes now is when he enhances your brain and body further by making use of his thumb to position over your clit.

He thumbs at your swollen bud, massaging it in an unhurried, but consistent rhythm.

And that sparks something inside you lower region. If you thought your pussy was aching before, it definitely is now.

Your breaths sound quicker and he takes note of you bringing a thumb to your mouth, biting down on it while mewls still slip past your lips. His pumps persist while your walls suck his fingers in like a vacuum as he moves in and out.

Every sound and the sight of you writhing, unable to remain calm, encourages him to not dwindle down on his ministrations.

The pressure applied towards your clit is even but remains slow, making you savor every second of stimulation you get, gradually increasing and turning almost-tender to be touched.

Hot pangs hit in your belly, and you feel like you’re starting to sweat, blood pressure spiking. You’re whimpering pathetically, muscles burning and tensing to break free and let yourself collapse.

It’s clear to Sunwoo that you can’t handle this any longer, evident he’s going to bring you to cum.

Squishy sounds and breathy moans are harmonic to the ears while he’s focused on getting you to snap.

“Gonna cum on my fingers? Is baby girl gonna let my fingers get even more soaked with her cum?”

Mhmphhh! Su— Sunwoo.” you cry out.

“Go ‘head. Lemme feel it.” he coaxes, and like the good girl you are, you do let loose.

As your knot unties, you deeply moan, hand that was near your mouth now gripping at his comforter. Your orgasm takes over you, shivering slightly, ass and thighs becoming spastic.

Your eyes are heavy and you see stars that are sparkling and fading, any sounds coming from the two of you sounding distant as you come down.

“I’m so proud of you, doll.” he mumbles as you catch your breath, face falling into his neck. While his fingers still remain in you, he uses his free hand to caress your head, commending you for staying strong and cumming for him.

As you progressively revert closer back to normal, your mind softens, and you’re craving to melt against your boyfriend. You need to logout from reality, Sunwoo having tired you out from getting busy with your pussy.

He coos at you when he makes you whimper and lift your head at the removal of his fingers. To your surprise, he then gravitates those fingers towards his mouth, closing around them and seemingly drinking up whatever stuck to his digits.

Your eyebrows furrow, joined with the part of your lips at him willingly tasting your fluids. He just looks at you, making exaggerated sounds from sucking and sends you a flirty wink.

You shiver and divert your gaze in shyness, flushing as you look back curiously, watching him pull out his licked-clean fingers.

“I knew you’d taste good.” he growls from the act and your essence getting savored by his taste buds.

“Wanna try?” he asks like nothing, seeing that you’re not calling him out for it, just eyeing him inquisitively.

You don’t say anything, but you still have that look gracing your orbs. He dips his fingers down to your core again, lathering them up in more of your spilled cum. You feel tingly during those seconds that he does so, and he raises them up again, nodding at you if you wanted a taste, too.

Your face leaning in slowly is enough of an answer for him, so he goes to hold your chin with the other hand, delicately slipping his fingers into your hot mouth.

You kindly close around them, timidly licking a finger tip for just a second, then getting comfortable to lap up the rest of your own spills. Your teeth even rake over his digits and your eyes fluttered shut with a hum before opening them.

When you do, there still lays a cutey-appearance behind those eyes he adores, even with you licking your own cum.

From that moment, he recognizes that his obsession for you will be death of him.

“Fuck…” he breathes out, stroking the tip of your chin.

“That’s all you, baby girl.”

“So perfect.”

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[eisforeidolon]

Hellers still going on about “Watching Over Me” being about Cass. Claiming Jensen confirmed it in a meet and greet. It’s funny they never have video proof beyond, “Misha said it”.

That's kind of what they do.

One of them comes up with a totally bonkers interpretation of something, completely makes some shit up they claim totally happened (trust me bro!), or Misha queerbaits them to keep the minion attention/money flowing. The rest of them, like the gullible and obsessed desperate conspiracy theorists they are, repeat it among themselves over and over and over as "proof" their ship(s) are totes real until the heat death of the universe. The part where it's batshit insane, has zero evidentiary backing, or even has been clearly refuted? Completely irrelevant!

Here, one of them came up with a totally bonkers interpretation of the song while desperately searching Radio Company's catalogue for secret hidden clues that Jensen was pining away, miserable that the SPN finale didn't end with D/C. Misha heard about it, and because he's a spineless backstabbing weasel with all the integrity of a disintegrating toupee, quote unquote joked about it being true. I can't remember if someone made up the M&G story of him confirming it wholesale or if it was a creative reinterpretation of someone else's M&G report, insisting Jensen confirmed it when the fan actually reported him saying something to the effect of not intending/wanting to say songs had specific meanings. Regardless, believing it's actually legit requires ignoring:

The part where it's pretty absurd to think Steve and Jensen are sitting around writing songs from Dean's PoV, and batshit insane to think Steve and Jensen would be sitting around writing songs about a fictional non-canon ship Jensen has made it clear multiple times he is baffled by the popularity of and sees as no part of Dean's story. Especially when Jensen has said the majority of the writing is actually Steve's. The part where Misha couldn't even fucking name what song it supposedly was that was totes for real about Dean and Cass. The part where there are specific reports that STEVE talked about that song in a Patreon livestream to say it was about having an angel watching over you that you don't want watching over you, not some schmoopy romance. The part where, once again, Jensen supposedly validates D/C all the time ... just so long as no one is recording him.

None of that matters, and if one of them mustered up the idiocy to ask Jensen onstage at the next convention if it was a D/C song and he literally just stared at them in angry bafflement and said, "No." before immediately moving on? They'd make up a million reasons he was lying, didn't understand his own song, or how "No." was aCtUaLLy super secret code for "OMG YES."

It's the same story with their meta ~*interpreting*~ a love story out of bad stereotypes and random minutiae. It's the same story with their constant tales of Jensen telling a fan in detail how he totes lurves D/C now in ops/autos - often at the same cons where he shoots it down onstage. It's the same story with their absurd claims Misha was a third lead and saved the show. It's the same story with all their myriad conspiracies about the finale regarding the network/secret footage/secret scripts/Jared/NDAs/etc. It's the same story with their insistence Jensen hates the aired finale and barn scene because he didn't like the initial pitch. And on and on and on and on...

Being a heller means actively rejecting living in a rational, fact-based reality in favor of steeping yourself in The Undeniable Truth of Detestiel until your brain boils away to nothing.

[chadxroyalx]

Stolas' realization

I absolutely adored the new episode of Helluva Boss "Mastermind". It was one heck of a ride emotion-wise and I've never wanted to hug the "owl-boy" so much. Also loved that we were finally able to see all the sins (except Lucifer, but loved the easter egg of his throne c: ).

And the song "Mastermind" absolutely slaps! ♥

One particular expression of Stolas stuck with me: The sheer horror and the point of realization of what just happened and the realization of being unable to see his daughter Octavia any longer (probably)...

If you haven't checked out the newest episode yet, go ahead and watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoVB5Hn2m_k&t=975s

I do not own the character! Stolas belongs to Vivienne Medrano: https://www.youtube.com/@SpindleHorse

Outlines were drawn traditionally and the colors were added via GIMP. Hope you guys like it!

********************************

And I'd also like to take this post (again)to inform you about another hiatus of the Comic "TotH":

I do not have any pages left so far since I still absolutely have about zero time to draw at the moment... So I am yet again forced to put TotH on another hiatus until my patrons are at least 5 pages ahead again. I am so sorry that it has come this far again but I sadly can't change the facts...

I hope you guys have patience with me and keep looking forward to new pages and/or pictures/writte stories.

The hiatus will (for now) last until December 31st. I hope you guys have the patience to wait until then. If I can I'll make sure to end it sooner than that but just to be sure I'm going to pause the comic for three weeks.

Thank you in advance for sticking around and for your absolute tremendous patience!

Take care until then ♥

[diaryofageekgirl]

Cross-posting more of my meta/ranting from the Helluva Boss subreddit. Originally posted June 25, 2024 (here):

He might get something, I just don't think it will be enough to balance things out, the show has invested a lot of time in 'Blitzo sucks' and 'Stolas is sad'....a lot of time.

That's exactly what I've been feeling. Like, we got three back-to-back Sad Stolas Songs™ (Just Look My Way, his part of When I See Him, and All 2 You), all about how much he loves Blitzø and feeling sorry for himself and all that. With how biased a big part of the fandom already is towards Stolas, it really feels like they're laying it on too thick. Like, when I was watching Apology Tour for the first time, it took everything in me not to roll my eyes when Stolas started singing. Which sucks! I love him, I love Bryce's singing, I love this story, but another Stolas song? Already? The same thing happened at the beginning of the show - people were put off by how weird and creepy Stolas was in the pilot and Ep1, but it took one nice lullaby to his daughter in Ep2 to make people love him.

The closest we've gotten to any of that for Blitzø is stuff like the hallucinations in his own mind tormenting him in Truth Seekers, or him self-destructing at Bee's party.

Pivoting from that point, I've seen a lot of people's reactions to Apology Tour include stuff like "Blitzø needed this wake-up call", or "He needs to know that his actions hurt people other than himself", or similar sentiments, and I COMPLETELY disagree. He hates himself. He hates himself. He already blames himself for people leaving him, and thinks they're better off without him. He already scribbles his face out of every photo. He's already convinced he's going to die alone. You think putting him in a room full of people that throw an annual party about how much they hate him, filled with pinatas and knife-throwing games and bonfires destroying representations of him is somehow going to HELP?!

And sure, Stolas can claim that "There is a crowd full of people here, who cared so much", but that's categorically false. Dennis is there, who Blitzø made out with at a party one time. Wally Wackford is there, and their only on-screen interactions are just a running joke of Wally's business ventures getting fucked up by Blitzø/I.M.P. All of Verosika's succubus crew is there, and there was zero indication in Spring Broken that they knew Blitzø or vice-versa.

I genuinely believe that there was a grand total of maybe 5 or 6 actual exes at that party (including both Verosika and Stolas) - everyone else was either a) a friend of one of the exes who showed up as solidarity; b) someone who had been "hurt" in some capacity by Blitzø in the past but had no romantic or sexual connection with him (like Wally Wackford, for example); or c) just demons excited to go to a party thrown by Verosika Mayday (who I believe to be the vast majority of people there).

I mean, we saw Blitzø's hallucinations in Truth Seekers. We saw his camera roll at the end of Ozzie's. We know who the people that matter to him are: Fizz, Verosika, Stolas, Millie & Moxxie, Loona, Barbie. Everyone at that party were nameless, faceless background characters, and I cannot imagine a single one of them actually having a meaningful relationship with Blitzø, because if they did, wouldn't he have also cared about them in return, at least a little bit? Wouldn't we have gotten some kind of foreshadowing that a new character from his past would be showing up? Wouldn't there have been some meaningful interactions between Blitzø and someone other than the already-established ex-girlfriend and the current bungled situationship?

I also can't imagine that someone who hates themselves as much as Blitzø does, who openly states that they don't do romantic relationships (which we know he's lying to himself about, but consider: self-hatred and self-worth issues), would then go on to have that many long-term relationships. That just doesn't add up in my mind.

(Sorry for the super long and only tangentially-related reply... I am incapable of being succinct, lol 😅.)

[yuzurujenn]

[2025.02.09] Kyodo News - Yuzuru Hanyu, tearful Echoes tour finale: Full Comment

Yuzuru Hanyu, the two-time Winter Olympic gold medalist in men's figure skating, performed in the ice show "Echoes of Life" on the 9th at Lala Arena Tokyo Bay in Funabashi, Chiba. The solo tour, for which he served as the executive producer, concluded with a passionate performance of 15 songs over more than two and a half hours. After skating, Hanyu, deeply moved, thanked the audience, saying he "skated with all my soul," while his eyes welled up with tears.

Hanyu completed all seven performances, including those in Saitama last December and Hiroshima this January. In the short program from the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics, to Chopin’s "Ballade No. 1," he executed the quadruple salchow, triple axel (a 3.5-revolution jump), and a flawless quad-triple loop combination. His performance was breathtaking, thrilling the audience of approximately 8,300 people. "I was able to end it with a performance that couldn’t have been better. I’m a bit in a daze right now," he said, soaking in the sense of accomplishment.

The full comment from Hanyu after the performance is as follows.

Q: Now that the "Echoes of Life" tour has come to an end, how do you feel right now?

A: I just feel like I really gave it my all. Also, the scale of the people involved in this ICE STORY is something unparalleled. So many people have been a part of this. I am filled with gratitude for how many people have moved and worked for me.

Q: This was your final performance, and you wrote the script and performed. How would you rate your own sense of completion in terms of this project?

A: I was able to finish with a performance that couldn’t have been better. I’m a bit in a daze right now. I can’t fully express it with just words or text, and I think that this ICE STORY is something that can’t even be fully expressed by skating alone, it’s something one-of-a-kind. It really makes me happy that today’s performance, direction, and story will be preserved in footage and remain in the memories of the people who came to see it.

Q: You presented a variety of programs, but your "Ballade No. 1" was particularly remarkable. The rink for the show was a bit narrow and dark. How did you approach performing "Ballade No. 1" today?

A: TV Asahi (who asked the question) has been following me all along, so I think you know, but I’ve really struggled with it from the very beginning. Looking back at the short program, it was a short program under the old judging rules, and in the second half I did two jumps. They were a triple axel and a quadruple-triple (two consecutive toe loops), and I really felt how difficult the jumps are. There's a different kind of tension to the free program, and unlike the free program, there's no room to recover (from stamina). That's what makes the short program so difficult, and I felt that again throughout this tour. And on top of that, I had already done four pieces before during 'Piano Collection,' so I was already thinking, 'This is tough,' before going out to do the 'Ballade.' Also, performing with show lighting was something I wanted, but it was also challenging, especially since the rink size changes depending on the venue. It was difficult, but thanks to the efforts of everyone involved, including the ice crew, I was able to make it work.

Q: It’s just finished, but do you have any plans or ideas for the future?

A: (immediate answer) No. Zero. (laughs) Honestly, I’m kind of in a daze right now, and my mind might not be working as clearly as usual. But more than anything, I’m just reflecting on how special it is that so many people gathered together, and I’m taking in this moment deeply, appreciating the present as it is.

Q: Previously, you said that skating = living. As you look toward the future, what kind of way of living do you want to show?

A: One thing I’ve realized and reflected on while writing this story and completing this tour is that 'the future is something no one can know.' That’s the biggest thing that stayed with me during this tour. It was the same with the (2022) Beijing Olympics, but there are times when you feel like no matter how hard you try, it won't be rewarded, and no matter how many good things you do a day, and no matter how many good things you repeat, something unfortunate is bound to happen in the future. That's why I can't easily say that this is the way I should live my life, but for now, I want to live the present, believing in my heart and my own sense of justice and moving forward.

Q: What was your mindset as Nova (yourself in a virtual space) during the fourth song, "Mass Destruction -Reload-"?

A: That song itself is a battle song. So, I'm fighting with some kind of sound, using sound as a weapon, or rather, with sound, well, how can I put it, persona. In the Persona game, there is an enemy called Shadow, and I'm using sound to summon my own persona and fight. I wonder how to explain that to the general public (laughs). Essentially, I felt like I was enveloped in sound, dancing, and using positive emotions like joy and fun to crush negative emotions like hatred.

Q: For today’s "Danny Boy," during the Saitama performance, I felt a sense of relief. Today, there was a feeling of calm. What was your mindset while skating?

A: (pauses for a few seconds) "I’m thinking back on it now, trying to remember what kind of feeling I had. At that moment, I was just focused, doing everything I could. I was skating with the image of praying with my whole body. That prayer was something that is at the origin of Danny Boy, a prayer for the deceased, but it's also a prayer for the hopes of everyone here, for my own personal happiness, and for the staff who helped create this show. There were many different prayers all mixed together, and in the end, I was just praying through the music, with the intention to express it all as one."

Q: Was there also a prayer for the purification of hatred, in terms of the story?

A: That scene is when Nova finally begins to realize that life has sprouts again in a world where it has almost completely disappeared. It's like a prayer for life to grow around him, or rather, that each and every life will grow, and that everyone will live. At the end, he says, 'Everyone, live.'

Q: Looking back at the progression from the first to the third installment of 'ICE STORY,' loneliness has been a consistent source of inspiration throughout. In every work, there is always an answer provided to the concept of loneliness. What does loneliness mean to you now, having had these experiences?

A: I don’t really think of it as loneliness. There are times when we have to fight alone, and of course, everyone has these moments. But we can't share everything with others. It's a very sad thing, but we can't share all our suffering or joy with others. In that sense, I feel like everyone experiences loneliness. But that's also why humans use words, write, and express themselves. What I wanted to convey in Nova was that even if you're alone in that world, as long as there are words, records, or sounds, you're not truly alone. I don't really think of myself as lonely, these days. But I wanted to express the feeling of 'It’s okay' to the little loneliness that exists within everyone, the kind of loneliness that no one else notices.

Q: Just like in competitions during the season, the performance kept getting better and better as the shows progressed. After these 7 performances, is there anything you feel you’ve surpassed or achieved?

A: I've also started new training, not just increasing my range of motion or improving flexibility, but focusing on how to move my body more effectively and how quickly I can recover. I've been working on refining my movements, as well as enhancing the fluidity and beauty that are my strengths. I started practicing this around the time of the Hiroshima performance in January, and now I finally feel that it's coming together. So, I truly feel that I can continue to evolve and improve from here on out.

Source: https://digital.kyodonews.jp/deepedge/ice-show/94275/

[woofs-silly-ships]

Ahem

Spoilers below

WHAT

THE

F U C K

WAS THAT

THEY WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO MAYBE REDEEM HIM

MEGGY ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING WITH THAT, SHE DID WHAT ALL THE PUZZLES FANS HAVE BEEN WANTING TO DO

LEGITIMATELY FUCK YOU MARIO

IT HAPPENED IN ALL OF 5 SECONDS TOO

I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO PROCESS WHAG JUST HAPPENED

(Mario has gone from one of my favorites to by far my least favorite character and will never be moving back up, no matter how silly or resentful my guy is he had zero reason to do that, especially when puzzles was now friendly with the person standing RIGHT NEXT TO MARIO… that genuinely broke me beyond belief and even if Puzzles breaks out I’m still not changing Mario’s rank now /srs)

I mean I’m glad he’s not dead but still

He’s going freaking insane rotting in a freaking jail cell and it broke my heart

I still get to have my AU where the didney crap doesn’t happen and the canon storyline where my s/I starts killing everybody so yippee I guess?

Aside from that the episode and song were freaking awesome

That song went from me happily head bopping to depressed head bopping near the end LMAO

Oh and I NEED that puzzles plush and shirt grrrrrgrgrgrggrgr

I do hope that they’ll maybe give the arc some time before putting Puzzles into play again, because they clearly want to and I’m happy about that, but we need time to breathe or the fandom will implode again lmao

TLDR: not as depressing as I thought but still sad lol, good WOTFI, Western Spaghetti is still my favorite smg4 movie tho

[dustedmagazine]

Listening Pest: The albums that disappointed, bored and infuriated us in 2024

We’re lovers, not haters, here at Dusted.  We’ll go to the mat for records you never heard of, records that you probably couldn’t find even with the old, functional Google Search, and a few records that, maybe, technically, legally, don’t actually exist.  We celebrate what’s good and mostly ignore what’s bad or mediocre, at least we do for all but one feature out of a year of them.

Readers, you have arrived at this feature. 

Here, Dusted writers reflect on the music that pissed them off, the songs that, when they turned up on “best of” lists, made us clap our foreheads in consternation, the albums that should have been so much better.  We recognize that these are personal views, and we sincerely hope not to hurt the feelings of people who love and esteem these records.  But we also relish the chance to let loose, for once.  The writing in this feature is some of the best you’ll read all year.  It’s my favorite thing to edit—not sure what that says about me, but there you go. 

Not everyone participated (see paragraph one), but Jonathan Shaw, Patrick Masterson, Jennifer Kelly, Bryon Hayes and Ian Mathers did.    

Blood Incantation — Absolute Elsewhere (Century Media)

A slab of maximalist prog and irritatingly supercilious “heavy” music, Absolute Elsewhere pulls off a notable trick. Blood Incantation has conjured (the better word here is likely “produced”) a variety of death metal that’s utterly bloodless, duller than dirt displaced from the grave. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so literal. Death metal doesn’t really have to be malodorous, moldy or mutilated — but it doesn’t hurt. But that suggests a more significant point: the best death metal hurts. It’s full of disgust, dreadful drama and rage at the human condition, which is always doomed to death. Blood Incantation seems to have zero interest in feelings of doom and diminishing concern with the fate of bodies and their meaty materiality. The band would rather get smoked out and gaze into the heavens, spinning Wish You Were Here (check out the near-quotations from “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” in “The Message [Tablet III]”) and paging through a pile of Orson Scott Card novels with sticky fingers. Whatever. You do you. But the concepts — a word the record’s arch sensibility just about insists on — are risible, and the music’s preening theatricals have all the charm of Rick Wakeman’s gold lamé cape ‘n’ cowl set. It’s death metal primed for an extended gig at the Las Vegas Sphere, and that might explain why Absolute Elsewhere has ended up on so many highly visible EOY lists: Pitchfork, The Needle Drop, NPR(yep, NPR…). It’s got spectacle, and there are a couple parts where it gets loud, but ultimately, it’s a safe bet.

Jonathan Shaw

Sabrina Carpenter — Short n’ Sweet (Island)

Truth be told, this should really go to Lake Street Dive for me, but I somehow managed to avoid actually listening to them for most of the year. Sabrina Carpenter, though, was much like Chappell Roan and Charli XCX in being unavoidable for several months during the summer. It didn’t matter what kind of place it was, if I stayed long enough, I’d inevitably hear “Espresso.” I couldn’t tell you when it first hit me because, unlike a good shot of the stuff, Carpenter’s sub-Ariana Grande pipes and the casual acoustic guitar plucks do anything but “hit,” the equivalent of aural wallpaper. I’m listening to this record again right now, repeatedly forgetting it’s on, and nothing has swayed my opinion — this is an album and a moment for people really going through it to the point that they can’t hear how boring the vindictiveness is. I’m not even talking about the “everyone except privileged white men” moment, either; I’m talking about your longtime girlfriend cheating on you with your barber and now you’re posting one-star Yelp reviews to get back at them. If that’s not you, if you’re just wallowing in the general malaise of being alive, you don’t count. Also, not for nothing, but I wrote all of this, and I still haven’t gotten to “Slim Pickins” yet. The longest 12 songs and 36 minutes of the year by a comfortable margin (and if Lake Street Dive put a record out, please don’t make me test that theory).

Patrick Masterson

Kim Deal — Nobody Loves You More (4AD)               

Kim Deal is responsible for some of the most monumental—and at the same time minimal—of all rock bass lines, from the ominous pulse of the Pixies “Gigantic” to the anarchic bounce of The Breeders’ “Cannonball.” Her first-ever solo album is very much NOT like that. Instead, it swathes fragile melodies in full-to-overtipping arrangements, with orchestras of strings, Hawaiian slack key guitars, and mariachi bands worth of brass, a lushness that only highlights the ordinariness of her voice and songs. Let’s put some more whipped cream on that turd, how about it?

Jennifer Kelly

Fontaines DC — Romance (XL)

The Dublin five-some swings wide on this fourth full-length, appealing to the masses with pastel colored choruses and limp indie flourishes. It works on a commercial level — after all, this is the disc that got them Grammy nominations, endless “best of” love and a slot on Obama’s play list — but excises everything that made Fontaines DC exciting. What if we took out the dank broody bits and fell in love? What if we ditched the Irish-ness and took a stab at Coldplay? What if we chewed down Fontaines DC’s dark magic into pablum, something so soft and ingratiating that even the Spotify addled masses could get it down? Rarely have I been so excited to listen and so quickly, bitterly disillusioned. One good song comes right at the end in “Death Kink” but that is NOT enough.

Jennifer Kelly

Mercury Rev — Born Horses (Bella Union)

I was so looking forward to this record, the first Mercury Rev album after an almost ten-year gap. I love both the harried brilliance of the band’s early records and the lush psychedelia born of their marriage with David Fridmann. My synapses were short circuiting in anticipation of Born Horses. This fact amplifies my disappointment with the record. Between Jonathan Donahue’s spoken-word delivery, which comes across as a hushed ASMR-inducing purr, and the band’s milquetoast reading of their once-grandiose chamber-psychedelia, I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat and I get choked up whenever I try to play the record. I get it: Donahue and Sean "Grasshopper" Mackowiak are looking for new directions to take their sound after decades of exploratory music making, and they’re lacking Fridmann’s guidance, but I’d rather experience another See You on the Other Side than this weak-limbed attempt at chamber-beat poetry. Let’s hope this is a mere meander away from the otherwise eclectic and intriguing trajectory traveled by these upstate New York weirdos.

Bryon Hayes

Jessica Pratt — Here in the Pitch (Mexican Summer)

In personal relationships, saying “it’s not you, it’s me” is commonly regarded as the mark of a cad and/or liar, a convenient excuse at best. But here, I swear I am being both sincere and (as far as I can tell) accurate. I know I first heard of Jessica Pratt around the time her second record, 2015’s On Your Own Love Again, came out and I’d been idly meaning to check out her work ever since then. She seemed to be having a real moment this year with Here in the Pitch, she seems like a cool person, and looking at her discography I deeply respect her commitment to the sub-32 minute LP (an underrated length). But after I hit play and quite enjoy the instrumental intro to “Life Is,” Pratt starts singing… and it just hits my ears wrong. I can’t explain it. I don’t at all think she has a bad voice (arguably I like several other singers that have various things in common with her, vocally). I realize, seeing Here in the Pitch show up on more and more year-end lists (including Dusted ones!), that I am in the minority here, and honestly, I think that’s good! But seeing comment after comment praising the singing here specifically is just a stark reminder that sometimes, people just hear things differently. I wish I did like Pratt’s voice; I suspect I’d enjoy this album quite a bit, maybe enough for it to make my own list. And to be clear, unlike some other acts I don’t enjoy, there’s no part of me that irrationally feels like everyone else is ‘wrong’; if anything, I feel frustratingly close to getting the appeal! But I just can’t seem to get past viscerally not getting her singing. I went back to the LP months after my first try, figuring maybe I just had to get used to it, but no. Really, truly: it’s not Pratt, it’s me.

Ian Mathers

Vampire Weekend — Only God Was Above Us (Columbia)

The arguments over Vampire Weekend’s class tourism and cultural adventurisms are old and tired, but the band keeps making gestures that churn up the discourse. See the video for “Gen-X Cops,” which features Vampire Weekend riding a battered, tagged-up subway train, likely making the run to the Bronx — note the several moments at which the train rises into sunlight, onto Upper West Side elevated tracks. The graffitied car conjures a historical NYC, all grainy celluloid footage, lurid spray paint and flashes of urban spaces and experiences now lost to multiple forces: gentrification, trauma, mortality. The video rolls on, unbothered, and briefly Vampire Weekend’s three members sit facing us, having scored seats; the camera presents a further imaginary provocation, as Koenig (still baby faced, ever belying the impression that he should know better by now), Baio and Tomson suddenly wear NYC cop uniforms. The visual metaphor seems to ask: Who has the right to police culture? Whose cops work the history beat? Koenig sings, ���It wasn’t built for me / It’s your academy.” The vaguely anti-institutional bent of the lyric is complicated by the video’s closing images: a crowd exiting the subway train in the density of a morning commute. It’s the masses. The camera shifts to a perspective that hovers over them as they make for the exits. One wonders if an additional metaphorical resonance were intended by that vantage: the band’s desire for a place above the press of humanity, observing its struggle but not in it. That’s on the nose for Vampire Weekend, a band that has never made music for those people, has never indicated any sort of an interest in them. Promo chatter about Only God Was Above Us talked up the record’s “grit,” but I can’t discern any. The songs provide the usual gloss and gleam, distractingly slick surfaces and irritatingly bright tones. It’s mostly blithe, here and there preciously mopey, full of snide winks at “Prep School Gangsters” and love letters to uber-hip Soho gallery owners. Whose academy is that? The best Koenig can do by way of answer is in the chorus to “Pravda”: “Your consciousness is not my problem.” OK. Then please stop cluttering it with your effete quietism and get off the A Train. It’s public space, in which everybody’s consciousness is everybody’s problem.

Jonathan Shaw

[whatwouldsylwrite]

hockey!Abby x dancer!reader pt5

pt4

Tags: modern au, fluff, fem!reader, shy reader, reader is into sexy/girly dances, Abby is a sweetheart, switching pov

Notes: you're going on a date! feminine reader (makup, braiding, skirts and heels). Kisses (it's sappy), probably unrealistic ice-skating

-/-/-/-/-

to: Abby

what should I wear?

from: Abby

don't worry, wear what you want

I've got you covered

You smiled at your phone, kicking your legs just slightly, still fighting for your dignity. The fight you've been losing progressively: it was hard keeping your inner schoolgirl in check when Abby was being Abby. She used every free minute to spend it with you, either when she caught you in university corridors or in the centre, using every excuse she could. She’d stay late after practice until you were done (even if you were working on something new, which meant more repeating and learning than dancing, so basically: boring as fuck) so she could drive you home, she’d order you food when you were too tired to cook and she couldn’t come to your place, or give you her clothes so you wouldn’t be cold.

And fuck how she looked at you. You got shy every time you caught her just watching you as you talked. And you wanted to be close to her all the time, but outside the dance studio, the music and the act, you felt nervous. It was fun to mess with Abby that one time, but your courage started and ended with that song. Abby could just look at you with that small chuckle she always had and you blushed and looked anywhere but her - it was so overwhelming, to have her full attention on you. 

It wasn’t that you weren’t used to attention - obviously it was a part of the deal with being a dancer - but people looked at your act, at the part you played, but Abby looked at you. You felt like your heart and your thoughts and your silly daydreams were just there for her to look and judge and it was so scary, but you chose to trust her not to hurt you. 

But it was still hard to reach to her the way she did to you: you liked to play with her fingers, but you couldn't kiss her first, always waiting for her to lean down with a smile. The only thing you could do without dying of embarrassment was hugging Abby - it was something so natural for you, you've always hugged people, and even though your hands were tentative on her waist at first, your heart in your ears from nervousness, you couldn't make yourself stop.

And hugging Abby was amazing. You felt so protected when she'd put a hand around you, shielding you from everyone and everything, her voice vibrating in her chest and in your ear. She'd put her head on top of yours and kiss your hair or your forehead and you’d melt every time, not believing how safe you felt in her arms.

Abby kept her promise and asked you on a date, giving you absolutely zero information on what and where, and you felt nervous: what if you dress inappropriately for the occasion? Abby liked sports, what if she takes on a hike, and you're in heels? At first you tried to get the answer from Abby, but she refused to tell you anything. She'd just smile at your attempts, shake her head and kiss your cheek. 

You wanted to be mad at her - who gives no information about events? You were nervous because of it! You felt under-prepared! You vented about it to Ellie, who for some absolutely insane reason became your confidant. To be fair, you'd just sit and both vent about your girls, because Ellie was a loser and you were a mess ((c)Ellie) and you both fell for women who were way more competent in love than both of you were. Ellie calmed your worries down (listen, this bitch is prepared for everything, including fucking apocalypse, you'll be fine), and you decided to go with the flow, because well. You didn't have a choice. 

You still asked Abby what would be ideal to wear, but her response left you with hands untied and a fluttering heart. You looked at your ceiling, defeated by this absolute fantasy of a woman. 

Saturday rolled around quickly, and now you were standing in front of your bed and were looking through every outfit you planned. The weather was good and you really were not in the mood for jeans (you were going on a date, not to the 7/11 parking lot), and Abby liked it when you wore dresses, but-

You looked at the three-piece you put together: a white lace top, a long atlas skirt with a slit on the side that opened your whole thigh and a pair of white thin shorts. The skirt was too revealing - you move your leg or you sit? bam, everyone knows what underwear you have - so you used an old dancer trick by adding booty shorts and covering anything you wanted to cover. Technically, if Abby would take you somewhere where you'd need to move, you could just take the skirt off and be okay. Well, as okay as you could be in shorts that were basically socially acceptable underwear.

Abby promised to pick you up in an hour, and it meant you needed to hurry: you were still in your pjs, your hair just dried and half of your makeup kit was on the vanity. You picked up speed, braiding your hair in two braids that went around your head in a record time. It was a little messy, but you really didn’t have time to redo it. You put your clothes on, put your makeup on with a slightly darker red lipstick than in your first meet and just as you were looking through your shoes because where the fuck is that pair of kitten heels your phone buzzed with a notification. You left your shoe rack to check your dms.

from: Abby

I’m outside

to: Abby

will be in a sec

Fuck it, you thought as you took all shoes out on the floor and finally spotted the pair you were looking for. You put them aside and shoved everything back, promising yourself you’d deal with it later. You also put a pair of converse in the paper bag to take with you just in case, since Abby was driving and you could take something and not carry it the whole day.

Okay, you sighed in the mirror, checking everything and still feeling so emotionally unprepared your hands were shaking. You felt like you were in these bungee jumping videos and you were psyching yourself up for a jump into the abyss. Okay, you thought again and quickly left the apartment before you’d make yourself anxious. Your heels clunk in unison with your heart as you made your way outside.  

Abby was standing in front of her car in a soft looking button-up which was scandalously unbuttoned (3!!! buttons undone) and a pair of black pants, her hair braided as usual - she looked like a model, like someone you’d put on a poster to turn girls gay and make men jealous. But it wasn’t the reason why you stopped breathing and turned a bright shade of red, no. Hot girls were hot, but it rarely made you shy. 

No, what made you shy was a flower basket that Abby was holding in her hands - it had different flowers, but deep red roses stood out more than others. You wanted to scream from your feelings. Abby got you flowers in a basket, how were you supposed not to smile like an idiot in love?

You came closer to Abby, still red and smiling bashfully, wanting to put your hair behind your ears and then remembering you braided it. Abby smiled at you, watching you with the same intense gaze she usually did. 

“Hi.” You said, smiling shyly, clutching to your purse so you wouldn’t fiddle with anything. 

“Hi.” Abby gave you the flowers and took your paper bag. “This is for you.”

“Thank you, Abby.” You couldn’t stop smiling. “It’s beautiful.” You sniffed the flowers, enjoying the smell of fresh flowers. 

“Not as beautiful as you.” Abby said seriously, but then she broke and grinned, fully aware how cheesy she was. 

“God, Abby.” You laughed, but then something overtook you and you stood on your tiptoes to kiss Abby’s cheek. 

It was a quick kiss and you moved back to watch how faint blush covered Abby’s cheekbones and she stood in shock for a moment. She looked so pretty you wanted to plant more kisses on her face. 

“Do you want to put them in the back?” Abby nodded at the basket.

“What?” You asked, theatrically offended. “No, they’re coming with me.” You held the basket protectively as if someone would take them away from you. 

“Okay. I’ll help you.” 

Abby walked you around the car, opened the door for you and held flowers while you were buckling up. Then she gave them back to you and sat in the driver’s seat. You felt awkward but happy - Abby took care of you, again, and if you thought it was something you could get used to - no you couldn't, blushing and smiling every time she did something for you. 

Abby was one of those people who drove carefully, but it looked so effortless you’d usually stare at her relaxed posture and the hand on the steering wheel, but today you couldn’t take your eyes from your basket. Abby gave you flowers. Flowers that matched your lipstick, nonetheless. It was so romantic, you thought as you giggled and sniffed the flowers again. For some reason you thought no one gave flowers on dates anymore - like it was something from old black-and-white movies. To be honest, you haven’t seen a lot of people go on dates anymore, stuck between hookups and friendships. It was such a sweet, old-fashioned gesture you couldn’t stop your heart from fluttering in your rib cage like a butterfly. 

The flowers were so beautiful and you looked at them, admiring the colours and the composition, carefully holding the basket as if it was something fragile. 

Abby tried to keep her eyes on the road, but it was hard when you were sitting next to her with the cutest smile on your face while you looked at the flowers like they were something special. She figured you'd probably like flowers and even though she felt awkward about it at first - flowers were something old people did or white men in their 30s, so she didn't feel very connected to the idea, Abby decided if she wanted to continue making you feel like a lady, she needed to do it properly. Then she thought about the flowers standing in your kitchen (or, better, in your bedroom) and the fact they'd remind you of her every time you'd look at them, the awkwardness left her, replaced with the urge to google every flower shop in the area. 

Abby pulled up at the activity centre and you looked at her with a smile. 

"So, how inappropriately am I dressed for this?" You now had some ideas of what Abby had planned, and none of these ideas involved kitten heels. 

"I told you, don't worry." Abby said, teasing you. "I have everything we need."

"Are we going to dance? Did you decide to let me teach you?" You asked, teasing her back. 

Abby smiled and rolled her eyes.

"I'm unteachable, (y/n). But I figured I can teach you something."

So you were going ice-skating. Abby asked you before if you knew how to skate, and you told her no, and that you'd really like to learn, but you were scared you'd injure yourself. And Abby remembered it, and you were smiling again now, because she remembered what you wanted and she now was making it happen. 

"Oh, then I'm definitely under-dressed." You laughed as you left the car, your flowers still in your hands. 

"Okay, I get it, next time I'll give a list of what you need." Abby laughed as she took her gym bag from the trunk. "Are you going to take flowers with you?"

"I mean, it's hot outside and I don't think they will survive if I leave them in the car." You got protective again, holding your flowers closer to yourself. Abby chuckled at you.

"Okay." She said as she offered you her hand, and you quickly changed your position, holding your flowers with one hand and taking Abby's hand with another. 

You felt like a kid, like you should be jumping around and laughing at nothing, this kind of pure happiness that Abby's awoke in you. You knew you lost your battle even back at the party, but now you were sure - you were in love with this ridiculously amazing girl. 

You went inside and Abby guided you to the locker rooms, where she placed her bag just as you put your flowers down. Abby opened her bag and started taking things out. 

"We'll need to change. There's a pair of warm leggings, socks, t-shirt and a hoodie. Put all socks on, okay?" She asked, cupping your face as you nodded. I'll be on the other side."

"Why?" You asked, confused. You both were girls, there's literally nothing different about your bodies. 

"I dunno, I feel like it'll ruin the magic if I stay here. Plus, I think you like your privacy." Abby said and kissed your cheek, and then your nose, and then your lips - just a quick peck, but it left you flustered and excited. 

You nodded and waited for Abby to take a different side of lockers before you started changing - she was right, you liked your privacy, and you two weren't at that stage when you saw each other naked yet, so it actually made sense to you and your poor heart. You'd have felt so uncomfortable, knowing that Abby got to see you without clothes outside the safety of your own bed and you were thankful now. Also, you'd feel like a creep because you'd probably stare at Abby the whole time, which wasn't great either in these circumstances. 

All clothes, except for the hoodie, were your size - or, at least, they fitted you. You were smiling the whole time - Abby was so thoughtful, taking all these things with her just to make sure you got to dress up and have fun. There was even a pair of slippers for you - you guessed she didn't want to put skates on here, so you'd have to walk to the rink, and you definitely weren't doing it in your heels. You did have a pair of converse with you, but you forgot it in the car, and those slippers would come in handy. You put leggings on with two pairs of socks, usual and warm ones, and then you put Abby's hoodie on, and god you wanted to squeal. It was big on you, and it was soft and even though it smelled of detergent, not Abby, it was the hoodie she wore when you two were alone in the dance studio. You hugged yourself, definitely not kicking your feet like a kid. 

"I'm ready." You said as you approached the different side of the lockers, but not crossing the line until you were sure Abby was clothed. 

"Me too." Abby stood up with two pairs of skates and looked you over. "Fuck I like it when you wear my clothes." 

You blushed deeply, surprised by Abby's honesty.

"Are you trying to kill me or what?" You laughed.

"I'm being honest."

"You are killing me, that's what you are." You pointed a finger at her, smiling, as she laughed.

"Are you taking the flowers to the rink?" 

"It's cold there, and it's good for them." You said, strangely defensive. These flowers meant too much to you and you were sentimental. 

Abby chuckled again and you two went to the rink. It was cold there, but not cold enough to make you shiver, Abby's hoodie keeping you warm. And no one was there - not for practice, not for fun, it was only you and Abby. It was either a very lucky coincidence or Abby pulled some strings to get the place empty, you decided not to ask and not ruin the magic, as Abby said. Abby guided you to the benches where the players usually stayed during games and you put your flowers down carefully before sitting.

"Have you ever skated?" 

"Nope. I was a clumsy kid, wasn't allowed to do anything more dangerous than riding a bike." You took the skates from Abby and looked at them closely. It was a standard pair of white ice-skates that all figure skaters wore during tournaments on tv. 

"But you dance." Abby said, confused.

"And how many injuries it cost me." You smiled. "How long have you been skating for?"

"Since I was five." Abby said as she put her skates on. "First figure skating, because you know, it's for girls. Then at 12 I joined the hockey team and stayed."

"So can you teach me some spins?" You asked as you tighten your laces.

"Maybe." Abby said playfully. 

Abby stood up from her place and knelt in front of you, taking your foot in her hands. You were confused and flustered, feeling Abby's hands on your calf - it was so intimate for a reason you couldn't really explain, and then she put her other hand on your skate.

"Tell me if it hurts." Abby said as she pulled on your laces to make them tight. "Yeah, you definitely need them tighter." 

"I tried, but I'm not that strong." You mumbled, suddenly embarrassed at your failure. You knew it wasn't supposed to be loose, but it was the best you could manage.

"Good thing I'm here, then." Abby looked at you with that look while pulling on your laces and you blushed, keeping your hands to your thighs. She looked cool and hot and so fucking confident you couldn't look away, face red and mouth slightly open in admiration. "How does it feel? Is your foot wobbly?"

"No. It's fine."

"Good. Give me another." 

You changed your feet and Abby did the same thing to your other skate, tying it tight while holding your leg so gently you felt like a warm butter in her hands. 

"There you go." Abby said with affection and stood up, reaching her hand to you. "Let's go."

You stood on your feet a little bit scared of standing on blades - what if you lose your balance and break your ankles? Oh, but Abby fixed your skates so even if you fall, your ankles would be okay. 

"Thank you." You said to Abby as she walked you to the gate, holding your hand to help you keep your balance. 

"Yeah, put your hand there. You're not going to fall, I'm holding you." Abby said as she supported you while you stepped on ice.

Fuck it was slippery, your legs were no different from the legs of new-born lamb - it was so hard to keep them together and be still. You remembered the physics lesson on space vacuum, when if you push someone in space they won’t stop on their own - you felt very similarly right now. The balance was a little easier thanks to dancing - you quite naturally bent your knees to keep your core stable, just as you did in dancing. Abby was holding your waist behind you, firmly but gently, her fingers a pleasant warmness on your body. Thank God she was holding you, because she was the only reason you stayed in one place. 

“It’s okay, (y/n).” Abby said gently. “I’m going to let you go now.” Abby skated away with ease, clearly in her element and for a second you forgot about your stress, just watching her slide, mesmerised. “You already found your balance, that’s very good. Now, give me your hands and you’ll try to walk, okay?”

You nodded and one by one, gave your hands to Abby, holding onto her while she moved slowly into position when you weren’t holding the boards anymore, directly in front of her. She was a little away from you so you could lean forward to keep your balance - that was very different from dancing, because you usually leaned back or arched your back, so you were constantly reminding yourself to lean forward. 

“How do you feel?” Abby asked as the stroked your palm with her thumb, soothing you.

“Scared.” You admitted but smiled at Abby. “How do I stop?”

“You push your legs out, like you’re trying to scrape the ice with your blades.” Abby explained. “Or drag one foot behind you, but make it horizontal.” Abby showed the leg position and you nodded. “You ready?”

You nodded and Abby moved both of you, slow and gentle, while you held onto her for dear life and leaned forward. Her hands were warm and soft and she held your hands like she'd never let you go, making you all soft inside.

“You’re doing good.” Abby smiled and stopped you. “Try to march a little, okay? Get the feeling of your skates on ice.”

The marching wasn’t too hard, especially with Abby’s firm hands holding you as she moved you forward step by step. You grew more confident and tried to slide a little, feeling your balance better and your feet more stable now, and Abby moved you a little faster, but then she stopped and waited until you slid fully into her hands so she could hug you, kissing your cheek. 

“You’re amazing. Doing so well.” Abby said as she looked you in the eyes like you were the eighth wonder of the world. You clutched to her, smiling, and put your hands on her cheeks, caressing them with your thumbs.

"You're an amazing teacher."

You stood on your tiptoes (thanks for the toe pick that kept you from sliding) and moved closer to Abby, somehow brave enough to kiss her first. You pressed your lips gently to hers, moving slowly - you wanted to be so tender with this wonderful girl to show Abby how much affection and love you had for her, leaving her absolutely breathless after.

"Now teach me how to do spins."

Abby laughed quietly before kissing you again, now more deeply, more sensually while she held you in her arms. She was going to give the world, she was sure of it.

[sirenjose]

So I've been really into your analysis lately and I'm a huge fan now, wanted to ask some questions, feel free to not answer any

1- what was your favourite idv story/event to analyze?

2- your least fav of the latter?

3- are you into anything else besides idv?

4-how do you find the motivation to analyze stuff? I've tried before and it was very draining :')

Thanks for your time, hope you have a lovely day

I'm very happy to hear you're enjoying yourself despite my own low opinion about much of what I put out. I'll do my best to answer!

Hmm I always dislike picking favorites because I'm bad at picking eheh... But the ones I liked most... I honestly enjoy T&I and COA (1-5) even more than the main story. So I think I might pick... Atropos' Ropes for T&I and for COA, thats harder... 3-5 are my faves but I might pick 4 just because of how it felt it had the most story/details given than all the rest. Even the *SONG* had story. I loved it.

Least fave, eh... Orfeo and Zinaida immediately come to mind, though Orfeo I'd say was worse... COA 1 is another primarily because of how DIFFICULT it was for me to figure it out enough to put together an analysis. And I had to rewrite that thing at LEAST 3 times to the point I'm just hoping it's good enough and leaving it alone. Time of Reunion I think is another that comes to mind, mainly because I didn't appreciate how they treated Norton in there, especially in the videos (but at least those aren't canon like the in-game event was). So based on all that, I might say Orfeo if I really had to pick 1. Then rank ToR 2nd and Zinaida/COA1 3rd.

FF14 and Honkai Star Rail especially I'm playing actively these days, but I honestly like a lot of stuff. Like Persona (espeially 4), 999 aka Zero Escape, and Star Ocean Til the End of Time. Least in terms of games.

Hmm... Maybe because the 1st reason I play a game is because of the story, and gameplay is always 2nd to me. If the story and characters are good, that gets me interested. Issue with IDV is we only get bits and pieces. Really need to look deeper to really understand some of the characters. I actually only started analyzing because I challenged myself (partially out of curiosity for the answer) to see if I could prove if Norton wasn't as evil as people thought (based on all the comments I saw when I 1st joined the fandom a long while ago). From there, there was Jose who I wanted to analyze because he honestly had so many plot holes I couldn't (and still can't completely) solve. So I get the most enjoyment analyzing something that doesn't have a clear answer. Which is why I don't always post for every letter. A big part of it is I enjoy history and culture and such, so it's fun for me to learn about different foods, or time periods, or how bad the environment was for miners or sailors back in the day, etc... I dont think I have an easy answer (I can see I'm rambling). Norton I actually only began to like because I was spending so long working on my 1st analysis for him (and my perfectionism made me analyze all of Norton's essences before i could call it finished). Jose was because I love Captain Hook, and then after because of the plot holes that bothered me. Then for others, I think I enjoy making analyses to... try to sometimes change people's opinoions/beliefs. Like with Margaretha or Vera. With Edgar was because I was more interested in his story and him as a character only once I put together all his lore. Sort of goes on from there. I could ramble on but I'm going to get even more guilty. I hope this helps somewhat, but let me know if it doesn't and I'll keep going. Maybe the simple is A) I like history/culture/research, B) I like to convince people that certain characters arent as evil as they think or change beliefs I think aren't quite accurate, C) I like solving puzzles and I love story, D) I already think too hard about literally everything, and combined with my perfectionism, we get analysis

[fateandloveentwined]

poetry lines befitting MCS and XJY

These are mostly chinese tang shi and song ci poetry quotes, with a great biased amount from Su Shi because OP doesn't know better. Crude, 5-minute english translations below. There are lines I semi-made up or adapted from fandom/cpop songs (that is, most of Xiao Jingyan's lines), ngl OP is rather embarrassed of them because they aren't good at all looking back now but we'll just leave them here or else XJY would end up with zero quotes.

梅长苏 Mei Changsu

想那日束髪从军，想那日霜角辕门，想那日挟剑惊风，想那日横槊凌云。 ——夏完淳

Think to the day I tied back my hair and enlisted. Think to the day the horn rang at the frostbitten tents, think to the day I danced my sword making the sound that deafens the wind. Think to the day I took to the lance, and it pierced through the skies, rising higher than the clouds. — Xia Wanchun

将士百战身名裂。 向河梁、回头万里，故人长绝。 易水萧萧西风冷，满座衣冠似雪，正壮士、悲歌未彻。 ——辛弃疾

The warrior fights a hundred battles, yet what remains is his severed reputation. He looks to the bridge over the river, thousands of miles back, past acquaintances forever gone. In another life, over the howling of the west wind and the cold Yi rivers, the banquet sits, clothes adorned in snowlike white. The courageous man strides through the blizzard, the song of lament never ceasing. — Xin Qiji

零落成泥碾作尘，只有香如故。 ——陆游

The plum blossoms wither and drift to the ground, crushed into earthly soil and dust. The prevailing fragrance is what remains. — Lu You

亦余心之所善兮，虽九死其犹未悔。 ——屈原

So long as this is what my heart longs for and treasures, though I die nine deaths, my heart does not regret. — Qu Yuan

君臣一梦，今古空名。 ——苏轼

Lords and lieges ebb into nothing but a dream; in the river of time transcending present and past vain titles remain, cast into the void. — Su Shi

无波真古井，有节是秋筠。 ——苏轼

The heart is at peace like the ancient well that does not ripple; the integrity is as the autumn bamboos, steadfast and unfaltering. — Su Shi

舳舻千里，旌旗蔽空，酾酒临江，横槊赋诗。 ——苏轼

The warship moves a thousand miles, ensigns enshrouding the sky. He pours out wine by the riverside, holds out his lance, and writes verses as he speaks. — Su Shi

对一张琴，一壶酒，一溪云。 ——苏轼

Facing but a guqin, a jug of wine, a stream of cloud. — Su Shi

江山如画，是我心���。 ——风起时

The rivers and mountains of the kingdom outstretches before me, as moving as in art: this is my heart’s will. — from the song “Feng Qi Shi”, when the wind blows

战骨碎尽志不休，冰心未改血犹殷。 ——改自《赤血长殷》、王昌龄

Bones completely crushed from the battle, yet aspirations unwavering. The heart has not changed; the blood flows red still. — adapted from the song “Chi Xue Chang Yan”, the noble blood flows red, and poet Wang Changling

袖手妙计权倾变，敛眸笑谈意了然。 ——改自《赤血长殷》

With folded arms, he devises labyrinthine strategies. The sceptre of power sways and shifts. He shrouds his gaze modestly, and in conversations of small smiles, he discerns the intention of men. — adapted from the song “Chi Xue Chang Yan”, the noble blood flows red

萧㬌琰 Xiao Jingyan

潜龙一朝御风翔，长歌挽弓射天狼。 ——《长喑》

The submerged dragon rises one day to ride the winds. Singing high and long; the bow is drawn pointed at the invading Sirius. — from the song “Chang Yin”, the Long Darkness found here

挑灯殿阙思悄然，闻钤行宫寝无眠。 ——改自白居易

Awashed in the raised lamps of the imperial palace, thoughts whisper in grievance. The bell rings at the Jiu’an grounds, and he lies abed sleepless. — adapted from The Song of Everlasting Sorrow by Bai Juyi

驰骋沙场繁华梦，谈笑鸿儒君臣纲。 ——改自《致陛下书》、刘禹锡

Dreams soar in the flurrying gallops of the battlefield, flourishing dreams of splendour and joy. In pleasant dialogue with scholars, civility obliges polite smiles into the etiquette of lords and lieges. — adapted from the song “Zhi Bi Xia Shu”, a letter to Your Majesty, and Liu Yuxi

铁马并辔封疆，几回魂梦游；更鼓落夜未央，笔下兴亡断。 ——取自《长喑》、《赤血长殷》

Armoured horses riding in parallel at the borderlands — how many times has the soul wandered to such dreams of the past. The hourly drums sound ceaseless across the long night; under the emperor's brush, the fate of prosperity and declination writes. — adapted from the song “Chang Yin”, the Long Darkness found here, and “Chi Xue Chang Yan”, the noble blood flows red

揽尽山河只手倾，昂冕袖手瞰苍生。 ——改自《长喑》

The future of his kingdom sweeps into a tilt of his hand. With crown upheld, he folds his arms in his sleeves awatching humanity. — adapted from the song “Chang Yin”, the Long Darkness found here

咫尺抚眉峰，万丈叠远峰；梦底枕笑纹，惊风掀水纹。 ——《致陛下书》

Up close, the furrowed brows are smoothed. Ten thousands of feet stretch before him, converging into mountains at a distance. In the deepest dreams, the markings of a smile lie; he stirs up the wind which marks and rips tides in the tumultuous waters. — adapted from the song “Zhi Bi Xia Shu”, a letter to Your Majesty

Two (three) things to note:

My dying obsession with Su Shi, sorry I can’t help it that perhaps over half of the all the poetry I know is from him;

To be really fair, my favourite description of Mei Changsu is 运筹帷幄之中，决胜千里之外, used in describing Zhang Liang in Si Maqian's Records of the Grand Historian. He orchestrates masterplans in the tent of the army; he determines the victory of the battle from afar, thousands of miles from the front.

As for my favourite depiction of Lin Shu, it is definitely Su Shi’s description of Cao Cao: 舳舻千里，旌旗蔽空，酾酒临江，横槊赋诗。 The warship moves a thousand miles, ensigns enshrouding the sky. He pours out wine by the riverside, holds out his lance, and writes verses as he speaks. Xin Qiji’s verse above just fits the entire story of Mei Changsu so much, it deserves a mention.

I was assembling/making these lines up for something back then and so just listed whatever came to mind (for reasons I know not I kept on listing stuff for MCS, but maybe XJY was the typical good emperor kind of person so wasn't as inspiring coming up with quotes for him).

If there are lines of poetry you find really befitting the two characters, we're more than interested starting a thread here just for that purpose.

[nepheia]

07 ∙ the hidden yizhan song no one is talking about: return to zero

[ ✼ part 7 of the self is not me, but us series ]

yes, we're all victims of the goodnight syndrome — myself included, because it's been like three weeks or something and i still have it on loop. i'll get to that in the next part, where you'll realise i am! absolutely! not normal! about that song!

BUT. also dropping on that same day was return to zero, which i haven't really seen too many people talk about. to me, it's as heavily yizhan-coded as goodnight, if a little subtler, and not just because of the mountains on the lyrics poster (which thankfully aren't snow-capped, else i would've been Even More Insane):

if goodnight is yz in the present, in their disgustingly sweet power husbands married couple era, then return to zero is yz in the past, circa 2018.

❝ the silence of sighs and someone's secret time flows backwards the blurs of light and shadow confusion and clarity ❞

this verse and the nature-related imagery of the lyrics took me back to the tail end of that whirlwind summer, where — if you'll let me project a little — both xz and yb were likely having to confront the intimacy they've shared over the course of filming cql.

after months of "time-travelling" every day (jumping between past to present-day wangxian, from period to modern-day yizhan), xz had to leave their little bubble of security. the cast and crew who've taken in stride their egregiously open secret, their egregiously open displays of affection. the convenient excuse of playing soulmates in a passion project they don't even know will air. 

he had to go back to a time where they didn't get to spend hours and hours together every day. to a time where he would have both clarity ("if i spend time apart from him, maybe i'll be able to figure out what this is") and confusion ("but now that i've experienced it, can i unlearn what it's like to spend every waking moment with him?").

he had to take that japan trip to walk away from wei ying and, as some say, to figure out who exactly he felt those emotions for.

❝ the letter that was never sent and the you who is unknown ❞

re: "never sent" — for those of you familiar with the japan trip cpn, there's the wechat block theory… i've always been ambivalent about that so i won't include that here. but that's an alternate and very applicable line of thought!!

there really was no need for letters, was there? because that "i miss you" may have been woven onto a cap, but it might as well have been a loudspeaker, with how persistently and publicly its owner wore it. and well, xz did figure it out sometime during that trip. after all, when he came home, the modern man wasn't unknown anymore; he was going to be named c:

❝ it turns out reality and the dream world zero out together ❞

where did you find love, xz was asked once. in a dream, he said.

and what could be more dreamlike than finding your soulmate while filming a story about, well, soulmates?

you could read these two lines as xz resurfacing from that trip with a more nuanced answer to "is what i feel because of the role or because of the person?". fiction and reality have cancelled each other out, because he is allowed to have both. (to keep with the theme of multiple selves: he is both.) his feelings for yb are as real as they come, and they can co-exist with the realisation that as the person who brought wei ying to life on screen, a part of him will always love lan zhan. that's the kind of story you will never, ever be able to tell again. 

but i also like to think of these lines as his thought process during that trip.

it always made sense to me that xz maybe needed some time to think about it all, and to figure out how to reconcile what they have (dream) with what they're allowed to have (reality). they were both rising stars with a lot to lose, but they're also just people, who i believe were — are — acutely aware that this isn't something you find every day, sometimes never even in a lifetime.

so he decides they'll make it work.

and you know when the books describe the oh moment? when the world seems to pause on its axis, when everything is suddenly clear and bright and beautiful?

❝ the wind is flying past the fog is dusted over the sky suddenly held its breath ❞

❝ a loud explosion from the moment i saw you ❞

yeah stand up mister xiao "team love-over-time but suddenly couldn't say that when roseonly asked if he believed in love at first sight" zhan

⎯⎯ ୨୧ ⎯⎯

and now just for fun, because i'm already insane and might as well go all in:

🎪 bonus round — a series of cute etymological coincidences!

remember i said thankfully no snowy mountains in the poster visual? 

零 (zero), like many a chinese character, is made up of different component characters or radicals: 雨 (rain) + 令 (lots of different meanings depending on context, sorry!!). coincidentally, this is the same 令 as in 陈情令 / cql, and we also know xz and yb are both self-proclaimed rainy day enjoyers.

coincidentally also, 零 (zero) and 雪 (snow) both share the same 雨 radical.

i yoyo quite intensely between the idea that obviously no one has the goddamn time to think about all this (except me, apparently) and that this is also xz's specific brand of nerdy linguistics (• ◡•)

⋆

← prev ┊ part 6: the elephant in the room: reading this album as a cpf → next ┊ part 8: on goodnight, all the same, and the ordinariness of love

[shiicheol]

silent converstions ~ 2

‣ pairing: jeon wonwoo x oc 

‣ summary: Maxine found comfort in regularly sending messages to the number of her deceased ex, seeing no harm in it—until she received a response from a persistent stranger named Wonwoo. What are the chances of forming a connection with this unexpected stranger? How will their story unfold?

‣ genre: strangers to lovers. angst.

‣ chapters:

one

‣ disclaimer: The ideas and personalities depicted in this Alternate Universe (AU) do not reflect the actual views or characteristics of the artists. Their names are used purely as placeholders. Please remember that these stories are fictional and do not represent reality. Thank you!

NOTE: Text messages are in italics, while non-italicized text represents thoughts and narration

Wonwoo's POV

Texting Stranger

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being a bother. I'm sorry because you have to put up with a stranger persistent enough to message a person who is no longer here.

What life do you live that makes it feel like you should apologize for grieving?

Texting Stranger

Please, don't respond anymore. You will never hear from me again. Thank you for your time.

There's so much I want to say but in respect to you, I will hold back.

No messages from you? I said to myself, as I observed the lockscreen of my device.

I'll assume that you're in the process of moving on. I hope you're doing well wherever and whoever you may be. 

However, as if one cue, the name of the Unknown sender had flashed on my screen again.

Texting Stranger

Hi, love. I told myself that I'll stop messaging you but here I am with a bottle of alcohol and a million emotions running through my heart.

I remember you used to commend me for having exceptionally good typing skills despite being drunk. It once used to be a memory I hold dear to my heart but now the thought of it wrecks me in unimaginable ways.

I was fine. I've been fine. Or maybe I thought I was.

How can I ever be fine, right? How is it possible for me to move on? You've managed to move on but why can't I do the same?

Fuck.

I'm rambling again, aren't I? I remember every time I would be in talkative mode, you would interrupt me and it would lead to an argument. Believe it or not, I miss it so much.

Please, love, stop me from rambling again. I promise I won't get mad at you. Just, please.

I don't know you personally but why do I feel your pain? 

Texting Stranger

Can I call? Please?

Her message had been surprising, yet my response was beyond me. The next thing I knew, I was waiting for the call, not hesitating to click the answer button, as if the panic i had felt previously had been abandoned.

As soon as I picked up the phone, a sense of regret flashed through me as I was met with mere silence at the end of the line.

I thought that maybe she had fallen asleep.

Seconds passed. 

Minutes passed.

Nothing.

I released a breath of relief I didn't know I was holding upon realizing the possibility of her being in a drunken state.

"Hmmm," I heard a soft groan from my device just as I was about to click the end button.

I looked at it with wide eyes, waiting for her to speak again.

"Love... I miss you, love," the voice slurred out.

"P-please, come back," said the soft voice again.

I couldn't seem to do anything but listen.

That was until I heard a whimper.

"Shhhhh," I tried soothing her.

What could I do, right? What can I say?

For a time, it became a cycle. She would repeat words such as "Love." "I miss you." "Please, come back." Then I would try to calm her down.

Until she asked a question that caught me off guard.

"C-can you please sing me a song like before?" She said with a voice that showed zero signs of sobriety.

Me? Sing? That was something kept private between me and the confines of my own space.

"Please."

But declining would be too selfish when I know the state she was already in.

I sigh.

With no second thought, I started humming a lullaby.

"I can't hear you." she slurred.

With another sigh, I made my voice louder but not too much for it to disturb next-door neighbors.

Just when I was about to finish singing the 3rd song, I heard silent snores from the other end of the line.

I released another breath of relief I realize I was holding.

I looked at the clock and it read, 4:30 am.

We've been on call for 2 hours.

I considered ending the call but it didn't feel right. I thought of staying the entire time but it didn't feel right either.

So after much contemplation, I decided to wait 20 minutes before hanging up.

That way, I'll know that she's in the middle of her deep sleep.

As I waited for time to pass by, I wondered why I was doing this in the first place.

I'm not one to do favors for others.

I'm not one to do phone calls late at night.

I'm not one to sing a song.

I'm not one to empathize.

But why?

I would say out of pity but is it really?

If it was simply out of pity, I would feel nothing but sorry for her.

So, why?

Why do I care so much?

Why do I feel the need to be there for her?

Why do I want her to feel happy?

Why does it hurt when I hear her cry even though I don't know who she is?

Why?

Why do I see myself in her?

[omegaremix]

Finds For 2018.

XXYYXX B-Sides

Odd Nosdam Trish

Goth-Trad “Air Breaker”

William S. Burroughs “Summer Will”

Girl Pusher “Better Off Alone” (live)

Liars “Staring At Zero”

Prayers “Edge Of The Blade”

Gary War “Don’t Go Out Tonight”

Pond “Colder Than Ice”

Contrepoison “Heartbeat”

Bad Zu “Motherfuckers”

Silent Servant “The Strange Attractor”

Peaches “Convincing People”

Deerhoof “Singalong Junk”

Ron Morelli “Radar Version”

Zola Jesus “Siphon”

Goth-Trad “Disorder”

Bad Zu “Queen”

Believer/Law “Foxhole Prayers”

Tame Impala Currents B-sides

Lust For Youth “Display”

Grizzly Bear “Mourning Sound”

Adult. “Dance Avoid”

Molly Nilsson “I Hope You Die”

Blvck Ceiling “Hello, Miracala”

Silent Servant “Self-Hypnosis”

Princess Century “Crummy Bones”

Uniform “The Lost”

Pharmakon “Transmission”

Grimes “Genesis” (Blvck Ceiling RMX)

Russell Haswell “Hardwax Flashback” (Powell RMX)

Ninos Du Brasil “A Magia Do Rei II”

Cults “I Took your Picture With My Eyes Closed”

Machine Girl “Freewill (Phase β)”

Silent Servant “Disassociation”

KVB, The “White Walls”

Moon Diagrams “Magic Killer”

Men, The “( )”

Sunn O))) “It Took The Night To Believe”

Ninos Du Brasil “Vagalumes Pirilampos”

Rezzett “Zootie”

Horrorist, The “Programmed” (Silent Servant RMX)

Silent Servant “Cut Unconscious”

Drvg Cvltvre “Waging A War Against God”

Believer/Law “Ashes”

Rainforest Spiritual Enslavement “Watery Grave”

Boy Harsher “Pain”

Brainbombs “Drive Around”

I Hate Models “Cyanure Dance”

Vatican Shadow “Weapons Inspection”

Stars Are Insane “I Stayed Up All Night Thinking Of You” (demo)

Kajun SS “Know Your Place”

James Clarke “Silent Summer”

Leon Gardner “Who Are You”

Frumpies, The “I Just Wanna’ Puke On The Stereo”

Raveonettes, The “I Wanna’ Be Adored”

Black Dice “Cowboy Soundcheck”

War On Women “Lone Wolves”

Sun Ra Nuits De La Fondation Maeght Vol. 1

Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass “Spanish Flea”

Buddy Rich The Bus Tapes

Ghost Spell self-titled

Digital Leather “Ruining Everything”

Black Boot 2013 demo

Plugz, The “Touch For Cash”

Deformity Shards

Ajax 2015 demo

Vinnie Paz “Cheesesteaks”

Robert Viger “Limpidite”

Stiv Bators “It’s Cold Outside”

Frigs “Solid State”

MF Doom & RZA “Books Of War”

Les Savvy Fav “Hold On To Your Genre”

Ros Sereysothea “Kon Komsot”

Blueblack “Branches Broke”

Pat Metheny “San Lorenzo”

Can “Vitamin C”

Versus The Stars Are Insane

Jedi Mind Tricks “Design In Malice”

Wolf Alice “Sad Boy”

World / Inferno Friendship Society The True Story Of The Bridgewater Astral League

Rezzett “Gremlinz”

Boy Harsher “Modulations”

Nick Cave “I’m Your Man”

Boards Of Canada “Orange Romeda”

Cabaret Voltaire Extended Play e.p.

Letlive “Day 54”

Kedr Livanskiy Ariadna

Jan Jelinek “Them, Their”

Thomas Leer “Saving Grace”

Killing Joke “Penny Drops”

Nails Abandon All Hope

Public Image Ltd. “Poptones”

Chris Norwood “The Norwood’s Prayer”

Puccio Roelens “A Silness Song”

Aby Ngana Diop Liital

Curses “Pedal To The Metal And Don’t Look Back”

Keiji Haino “See That My Grave Is Kept Clean” (acoustic)

Azymuth “Jazz Carnival”

Joanna Brouk “The Space Between”

Thomas Leer “All About You”

Viet Cong / Preoccupations “Disarray”

Lower Dens “Ondine”

Black Marble “A Great Design”

Hot Flash Heat Wave “Glo Ride”

Still Corners “The Photograph”

Odd Couple “What Kings Do”

Oldbills “Tablecloth”

System, The (UK) “Find It In Your Eyes”

Holydrug Couple, The “I’ll Only Say This”

Negative Gemini “Bad Baby”

Refreshers “How Bout U?”

Sam Smith “I’m Not The Only One”

Secret Circle “Tube Socks”

6lack “Prblms”

Spizzenergi “Soldier Soldier”

Basic Nature “Love Won’t Always Be There”

Camp Cope “Anna”

Dilly Dally “I Feel Free”

Eyedress f. Pyramid Vritra “1990”

Oldbills “Salsa Verde”

LaMont Jackson Aces

Uniform & The Body “In My Skin”

Water From Your Eyes “We’re Set Up”

Beat Detectives “Call It What You Want (Segment One)”

End Of A Year / Self Defense Family “Self-Immolation Family”

Lanark Artefax “Glasz”

No Age “You’re A Target”

Ice Age “Under The Sun”

Daughters “Satan In The Wait”

Nothing “Blue Line Baby”

Sean Price “STFU Pt. 2”

Tislatin Onzar 3=2+1

clipping. “Ends” (Xanopticon RMX)

Nothing “Zero Day”

Prison Religion “007”

Big Boss, The motion picture soundtrack “The Killing Fight”

Oldbills “Black Ice”

Cults “Gilded Lily”

Eyedress “High Street Drive”

Tanya Tagaq f. Shad “Centre”

Fall, The “Australians In Europe”

Pond “Sweep Me Off My Feet”

Uniform “The Walk”

BreakBeatBuddha “New Delhi Dank”

Ta-Ra “L’il Bit”

Xiu Xiu & Mitski “Between The Breaths”

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever “Time In Common”

Sweet Valley “Sentimental Trash”

Wati Heru X Kashaka “BKWYA”

All These Fingers “Puerta Vallarta”

Body Without Organs “Osiris Rises”

Cults “Talk In Circles”

Miss Red “One Shot Killer”

Underworld & Iggy Pop “Bells And Circles”

Alt-J “Story 4 Sleeplessly Embracing” (clipping. RMX)

Moor Mother “Washington Park”

Erick Arc Elliott “Breaking”

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever “An Air Conditioned Man”

Cansei De Ser Sexy “Girlfriend”

Choir Boy “Blood Moon”

Flastbush Zombies “The Results Are In”

Miss Red “Come Again”

Cold Cave New Moral Leadership

Prison Religion “Glass”

Diseno Corbusier “Ritmo 21”

Happy Meals / Free Love “Pushing Too Hard”

Jessica Rylan “Wishing Well”

Erick Arc Elliott “Fifteen Minutes”

Palm “Dog Milk”

Body, The “Sickly Heart Of Sand”

Oldbills “Weekendluv”

Ariana Grande “Into You”

Imagine Dragons “Thunder”

Moor Mother “Creation Myth”

Cellars “Real Good Day”

Addison Groove “Footcrab” (DJ Rashad & DJ Spinn RMX)

Charles Manson Lie

Water From Your Eyes “That’s The Girl”

Anti-Nowhere League “Snowman”

Bug, The f. Liz Harris “Black Wasp”

Eyedress f. Prefuse73 “Living Room”

Miss Red “Dagga”

Malcomb McLaren “Zulu’s On A Time Bomb”

Idles “Danny Nedelko”

Aube “Parametalizest Pt. II”

Menace Beach “Black Rainbow Sound”

Chvrches “Never Say Die”

Nine Inch Nails “The Background World”

Oh No “Banger”

Oneida “Whitey Fortress”

Ariana Grande “Moonlight”

Happy Meals / Free Love “July”

Curren$y f. The Game & Prodigy “The Type”

Casisdead “Leon Best”

Diseno Corbusier “Meta Metalic”

Malcomb McLaren “Soweto”

Nine Inch Nails Bad Witch

Jessica Rylan “Way Home”

Max G. Morton The Devil’s Music

Beat Detectives“(Undiscernable) Repetition Heavy Traffic: New NYC Vibe 2”

Origami Girl “After All These Years”

Killing Joke “Follow The Leaders”

Philippe Hallais “Hero / Fall / Angela”

wosX “Armageddon”

Ramadanman “Blimey”

Caroline K “Chearth”

Eomac “Don’t Fear Your Own Heart”

Rapid Tan “Dumbo”

End Of A Year / Self Defense Family “Indoor Wind Chimes”

Errors “Early Nights”

JK Flesh “External Transmission Stage”

Beths, The “Great No One”

Impalers “High Wired”

Glowing Palms “I Don’t Wanna Come Daaan”

Mean Girls “Summer Bodies”

Vatican Shadow “Tonight Saddam Walks Amidst Ruins”

Pasteur Lappe “Mbale (Face To Face With The Truth)”

Ash Pool “Cremation Is Irreversible”

Reptaliens “If You Want”

Rixe “Infatigables”

Teyas “Jamauba”

Serge Gainsbourg “Je T’aime Moi Non Plus”

Vatican Shadow “Jet Fumes Above The Reflecting Pool”

Powerflo “Less Than A Human”

Death In June “Little Black Angel”

Pop Group, The “(Amnesty Report II)

Erica Eso “Vaccination Free”

Fire Engines “(We Don’t Need This) Fascist Groove Thang” (Peel Session)

Heem Stogied X EyeDee X Tha God Fahim ”Drive By”

Young Fathers “Lord”

Kegcharge “Medal Of Honor”

Boy Harsher “Motion”

Badlands “Heavy Sighs”

La Secte Du Futur “Hundred Songs Of Love”

Jitwam “I Ain’t Scared Of No Devil”

Russell Haswell “Special Long Version” (demo)

Frankie Cosmos “Outside With The Cuties”

Illuminati Hotties “Pressed 2 Death”

Iceage “Catch It”

clipping. “Something They Don’t Know” (Bad Zu RMX)

Poison Idea “Right”

Sky Ferreira “Voices Carry” (demo)

Gnarcissists “We All Just Wanna’

Morbid Angel “Maze Of Torment” (RMX)

Subhumans “Mickey Mouse Is Dead” (live)

Plexi “Roller Rock Cam”

Joan Jett “Shout”

Jesu & Nothing & Prurient “Silver” (rehearsal)

Purling Hiss “My Dreams”

Brian Eno & Kevin Shields “Only Once Away My Son”

Bikini Cops “Midnight”

Council Estate Electronics “Type LK-60YA”

War On Drugs, The “Up All Night”

Council Estate Electronics “Urals”

Fellony “Whisper Song”

Death In June “13 Years Of Carrion”

Council Estate Electronics “60 Megawatts”

Holy Wave “Spooky Fuckin’ Blues”

Paris “The Days Of Old”

Intelligent Hoodlum / Tragedi Khadafi “Grand Groove”

Blackbyrds, The “Mysterious Vibes”

[silver-starss]

Ahsoka finale thoughts

Holy shit

Morgan's upgrade was pretty cool ngl

Kanan convo! Giving him the respect he deserves.

Loving Ezra's new lightsaber! I always preferred his blue look, since it keeps in theme with him being a blueberry c:

Not sure how I feel about Sabine using the Force like this. Sensing stuff, I'm fine with, but suddenly she's 100% able to use telekinesis?

Morgan's rematch with Ahsoka is leagues better than their first fight back in Mando

Ahsoka is canonically a ronin :)

Ahsoka is canonically stranded in another galaxy :(

Welp. It happened. People were left behind.

What was that ending with Shin? Is she taking over the raiders? Is she seeking out fights because she's alone?

HOLY SHIT MORTIS GODS

And here I laughed at Mortis related Ahsoka theories. Shows how little I know. Maybe those Abeloth theorizers were onto something...

I love how this shot has absolutely zero significance to casual fans but is utterly game-changing for those who watched the shows

Am I tripping or is the Daughter missing from the statues?

It's a shame that Baylan's arc ended on not only a cliffhanger. Though the writers couldn't have anticipated real life tragedies.

EZRA AND HERA REUNION!!!

NO HUG???????

ANAKIN!! In full Jedi robes like ROTJ!!!

Ahsoka's smile at the end. She knows he's watching over her <3

WHERE THE SUN SAILS AND MOON WALKS MY BELOVED/BELOATHED. SUCH A GOOD SONG BUT HOLY FUCK THE ASSOCIATIONS

Between Morai and Anakin, Ahsoka's got one heck of a guardian posse. And she seemed awfully confident that she and Sabine have some sort of purpose here. I wonder what's in store for her, because I have a feeling that she won't stay stranded forever (even if it explains her absence in the sequels)

I'm not sure if this cliffhanger is meant for Dave Filoni's movie or a potential season 2, but I want more and I know I'm not getting more anytime soon and it's making me sad :(

I can't deal with these feelings oml

[littlemissmanga]

Maybe Among the Stars

Pairing: Broadside x (gn)Reader

W/C: 2,737

Summary: Broadside was literally built to withstand risk and danger. He’s willing to take the chance this will all end badly. But that was back when the only one at risk was him. How can he face that same danger knowing it’ll roll over onto you now?

Warnings: Angst/comfort, the realities of loving a soldier, slight nod to intimacy but think like PG-13 rating. Lots of longing, but it's got a happy ending.

A/N: Goodness, I had this drafted out so long ago but real life and brain pain made this take forever. I’m terribly sorry @sunshinesdaydream for the slight delay, but here is your Broadside fic for the @rare-clone-fic-exchange! I had a lot of fun researching Broadside, Shadow Squadron, their planes and getting to dive into a starfighter’s mentality. I hope you like what I did with his personality since there isn’t too much in canon to go off of, other than his limited screen time showed me a very confident man. And what’s better than a fic about a man in crisis with himself?

Also, submitting this as an entrance for my @clonexreaderbingo card, the “Hope” square. 😊

Inspiration song, The Word of My Body from Spring Awakening: “Oh, I’m gonna bruise you. Oh, you’re gonna be my bruise.”

dividers by @saradika

It wasn’t fair. To either of you, but he understood the risk and was willing to face it. He knew what could come next and didn’t care if it meant one more chance.

But you …

You put up a great front. It took him too many rotations to see the softness under your steel. Weeks of finding reasons to fuel up at the café you worked at before he was shipped off just to tease you and get under your skin. It was a challenge that gave him a little lightness to his step before he and his brothers were back in the heat of battle, the memory of a cheeky smile on pretty lips settling his battle-tossed nerves.

Eventually, the face behind the smile was the thought that gave him comfort. But he’d never say it. He could keep you at an arm’s length and still get his fix as long as he didn’t cross that line.

And you never backed down from this game you couldn’t have known you were playing, giving as good as you got but never with cruelty. Your responses had even gotten downright flirtatious recently, a taste of normal that he couldn’t resist.

Until the last time.

Right after the Battle of Coruscant. Broadside had been flying high even with his feet solidly on the ground. Shadow Squadron had taken impressively minimal damage as each trooper flew beside General Skywalker bravely and proved integral to the safe retrieval of the Chancellor.

He’d opened the door to your café with a swagger that would make even his General blush, ready to leverage his status as planetary savior for a free slice of meilroon pie.

But instead of the sweetness he was expecting, the salt of your tears was all he could taste for hours after. The relief couldn’t erase the deep worry lines on your face at the sight of him, and while Broadside wasn’t above imagining what you’d feel like in his arms, the reality of your half-choked sobs racking your form as it melded to his when you pushed into him and held him like he would float away weighed on his heart.

“They were showing the dogfights over the holonet. I saw … there were so many … I didn’t know if …”

The realization hit him like a proton canon blast: He had become someone important to you. You felt the same way about him as he did you.

And ever since, elation and dread warred within him.

Since the Battle of Coruscant, Shadow Squadron had been requested to handle more escort missions for the Chancellor, meaning more time on Triple Zero.

More time with you.

But proximity to the Chancellor and by extension the Corrie Guard meant no room for deviation from the regs … including the one about not fraternizing with spunky natborns who’d be brought to tears at the thought of a trooper in danger.

A specific trooper. Him.

A gorgeous soul who kept him on his toes, challenging every truth he thought he knew. Who’d started saving a serving of his favorite meals when they were on special without knowing if he’d be coming in that day. Who’d throw an extra serving in for a customer going through a bad day but feigned ignorance when questioned. Who fought off the thugs and lowlifes that’d crawl in from the lower levels with a broken broom without an ounce of fear but shattered at the sight of his Squadron in danger overhead.

He was going to hurt you.

Maybe, just a little, he understood why the Jedi didn’t allow attachments. Because more and more, Broadside could feel the craving to see you again rise and overshadow the knowledge of just how thoroughly he’ll ruin you.

***

“Is this where you’re gonna murder me?”

Broadside threw an exasperated look over his shoulder. “Why would I drag you all the way here just to murder you?”

You cocked an eyebrow as your head swiveled to take in the narrow, at to be fair rather dingy, ally he was leading you through. “To throw the cops of your trail, duh. It’s like you don’t even listen to those crime holos I send you.”

He heard the smile in your voice and felt its match stretch on his own lips at your macabre humor.

“Those are all full of fluff anyway. It’s all nonsense.”

“No, they’re-”

“Shush.” He turned back and continued leading you on. “We’re almost there.”

“Would be great to know where ‘there’ is. Or what’s gonna happen there.”

Despite your grumbling, Broadside could feel your grip tighten around his hand. All at once, your simple show of trust filled his chest and brought him to his knees.

He didn’t deserve it. But he hoped he’d earn it.

Reaching a nondescript door ­— one of many to line the ally — Broadside stopped in the entranceway, pulling you over to face him.

“You already know the answer, mesh’la. You came up with this idea.”

Confusion covered your face with an aching cuteness. He could see the wheels turning inside, your eyes giving everything away as you searched for an answer.

“Closing time ... I was helping you sweep ... You asked what civvie experience I wanted to have …”

Your eyes sharpened in a playful glare. “And you said, ‘working in a diner’ just to be an ass.”

He leaned in close, towering over you and invading your space just to rile you more. He couldn’t help it. Broadside was addicted to that spark and needed it, needed you, like a hit of spice. “Not just to be an ass. But that’s not the important part. What came next?”

“You … You asked me what I’d want to do …”

Your eyes were wide as moons when you looked back up at him, disbelief filling every inch of your expression. “No …”

“Yup.” He confirmed, entering the access code and opening the door to reveal the back entrance to the hanger where Shadow Squadrons brand-new Y-wings were lined up all nice and pretty.

This time, he didn’t take your hand. Broadside strode through the hanger like he owned it, confidence grounding every step and growing at the sound of your quick footsteps franticly trying to keep up with his.

“Broadside!” You hissed quietly, earning a rich laugh at your idea of stealth. “This can’t be allowed. We’re gonna get caught!”

He stopped next to his new ship, ladder at its side at the ready. “You know, I’m actually insulted. You think I haven’t thought this through.” Turning, Broadside gestures broadly at the hanger. “See? No one around. Maintenance has been reassigned and my squad is grounded right now.”

Your eyes followed his across the cavernous room and you nodded in agreement. But your lip was still caught between your teeth, a telltale sign.

Letting the levity slip away, Broadside brought his hands up to cup your face and pull your gaze to his. Once again, he invaded your space but this time, all teasing was gone. “No one will know we’re here. I’ve got you.”

You gave him that look again. The same one as that day, the one that screamed to him just how unsure you really were underneath all your strength and bluster. The one that broke his heart with how much he wanted to erase it from your face. The same one that told him, just maybe, that you knew how tenuous this all really was.

And then you stepped closer.  

You turned to reach for the ladder, stopping to look at him one more time. He gave you an affirmative nod, fighting every cell that cried out to shatter in relief. Maybe this would go better for you both than he thought.

Following closely, he climbed up the ladder after you, settling behind you in the cockpit.

It was a tight fit, only being designed for one person at a time. Broadside struggled for a moment, trying to get his legs to fit around yours in the narrow space until you took matters into your own hands. A touch was all it took to get him to sit still, your hand holding down firmly on his thigh.

The look you sent him over your shoulder is so soft, Broadside wanted to preserve it somehow. To freeze time so you’d always look at him just like that. To make a galaxy where you’d have no reason to ever look at him any other way.

“May I?” Your voice was steady, but barely a whisper.

“Yeah,” he rasped back.

Lifting yourself up, you moved your legs to straddle his before resting yourself on his lap.

“Sorry, but I think this may be the most comfortable configuration.”

Broadside reached around you to start the operating procedures, reveling in the feel of you so close. It was a mockery of an embrace, but it was enough for now.

“No need to apologize, angel. We’re all good here.”

Once all systems were engaged and optimized, he pressed his comm. “Shadow One to Tower. All systems go, here. Ready for clearance.”

You spun in your seat to level him with an intense glare. “No one will know we’re here?”

And Broadside couldn’t resist stoking your fire, sticking out his tongue like a cadet just to revel in how riled you got. “No one who will say anything. Corkscrew is on tower watch tonight and he owes me a favor or three.”

“Tower to Shadow One. Request for test flight confirmed. You are clear for launch. You have 30 minutes.”

“See? Just a standard test flight for the new fighters,” he said smugly.

With that, Broadside went through the launch procedure without a second thought, focusing instead on every way you shifted on his lap, how your hands fumbled for purchase on the sides of the ship before gripping hard on his knees. His hand curled around your hip, holding you in place for all the good it did. The turbulence had you shaking against him and by the Maker if that friction wasn’t the most sensational thing in the entire galaxy.

But everything settled when they broke the atmosphere, the stillness and quiet covering them and isolating them from the chaos of the city planet below.

He watched with delight as your head moved on a swivel, turning back and forth to take in the vast array of stars in front of you.

“It’s beautiful,” you breathed.

“Yeah, it is.” Broadside’s response was just as quiet as he took in your awe before adding louder, “But we didn’t come up here just to look at it.”

“No?”

Before you could do anything else, he grabbed your hands. Without asking, he brought them to the steering column, molding his over yours.  “No. You’re gonna fly.”

He could see the broad, devious grin overtake your face in the reflection of the transparisteel and for the briefest moment, Broadside second-guessed whether this was a good idea.

Worry quickly gave way as he lost himself fully in the joy you exuded. Playful cheers filled the small Y-wing cockpit as he instructed you through a few of his simpler maneuvers. Eventually, he began taking a bit more control, showing off with several rolls and drops all in hopes of earning just one more delightful shout, one more squeeze of your thighs around his. All while his hand kept you in place on his lap.

Leveling out after his latest round of showing off, you leaned back against him fully, losing all tension in your body to rest soundly against his chest.

“So, what brought this on?”

His pause is palpable, creating a stillness that could rival space itself. He knew it would happen eventually. But he hated that it could ruin everything.

“I … I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit you next.”

His eyes were trained onto every inch of your body, so he saw the moment your shoulders tensed.

“I see. Even though I know Shadow Squadron has been assigned to escort the Chancellor from now on.”

Broadside took a breath, preparing for his practiced spiel, but you wouldn’t give him the chance. “Oh, yes. Don’t think I don’t follow the news. I do. Of course I do, because how else would I know where you were, what you were doing, if you were okay. You don’t tell me these things when you visit. I have to piece together rumors and suspicions. So I know you’ll be around more. But sure, tell me the lie. Tell me you won’t be able to see me. I’ve been dumb enough flirt with you. To start feeling …”

Your voice tapered off. He couldn’t see your reflection anymore, your face cast downward, but he could see how tightly you were holding yourself.

“Maybe I’ll be dumb enough to believe the lie,” you whispered.

He reached forward, snaking his other arm around to encircle your waist and pull you impossibly closer. Like a child clutching a soft toy, he curled around you in the cocoon of the cockpit.

It must have hurt. His armor was hard and unyielding. He could imagine all the ways it dug in to your pliant skin, how your curves arched around its firm plains.

Even his embrace was painful to you.

And yet you didn’t fight. You didn’t pull away or even adjust yourself. No, you pushed yourself closer, folding yourself in to fit into him like a missing piece.

“It’s not a lie,” he whispered, hoping for all the galaxy that you heard his promise. “It’s not safe.”

“For who?”

“For both of us.”

The silence lingered, and he knew you understood. If you really had been following the war, if you’ve been slicing through the holonet for information, then you had known the truth of his words for a while.

Shifting your hips, you turned in his hold, folding your legs under you to sit sideways on his lap. You didn’t look at him, though. Instead, you tucked your head under his chin, staying as close as possible. “Is that why you brought me up here? Show me the stars so I have something pretty to look at when you tell me it’s over?”

His grip tightened. “No.”

“Then why?”

He brought his hand up to cup the back of your head. He needed you as close as possible. “Because I can’t say it’s over. I want to. But I can’t. I will knowingly put you in danger just to see you again, to hear you again.”

He pressed his lips to the crown of your head. His first kiss has the aftertaste of salt and bitterness, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“Bringing you to see the stars like you always wanted is the least I can do. I’ll give you anything within my power ’cause I’m taking so much more.”

You wriggled in his grasp, pulling away just enough to look him in the eye. Your cheeks were stained with tears he didn’t even hear begin to fall. Instinctively, he brought his thumb to swipe it away, but your hand stopped him.

“You’re not taking anything, dumbass. I’m giving it willingly.”

Broadside’s eyes close as relief surged through his body. He relaxed even more at the feel of your forehead pressed against his.

“I don’t care about the danger. And take as much time as you need to make things as safe as possible. But you’re not the only one who can’t call quits, so don’t act like you’re carrying the burden alone.”

He couldn’t help the smile that spread easy as sin across his lips at your declaration. Knowing that you were as far gone as he was. Now that he had your knowing consent, that you could handle all that came with being together, there was nothing holding him back.

“So, I don’t have to plan such extravagant dates?”

You let out a peel of laughter in response, your delight breaking the last remnant of grief. “Oh, you absolutely have to try and top this next time. I’ll accept nothing less.”

Fueled by hope and the fire of his wanting, Broadside pressed his lips to yours, tasting starlight and a hint of the blumfruit juice you had earlier.

“I’ve created a monster,” he murmured into the kiss.

“Indeed, you have.”

Your smile against his lips is all the reassurance he needed to not care.

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