nepheia

[nepheia]

08 ∙ on goodnight, all the same, and the ordinariness of love

[ ✼ final part of the self is not me, but us series ]

to continue right where we left off:

❝ how many people must turn how many corners to find their other half ❞

how many, indeed? how many people can say they found their other half despite being from two different worlds, six years removed, and a billion possible branches of reality in between them? 

there were countless ways things could've gone wrong midway: if yb had to give up dancing. if yb had never left korea. if yb had never even gone to korea in the first place. if xz had never decided to leave design. if xz had never pursued music. if xz had been eliminated on xfire. if they had turned down cql. if if IF.

but this is the timeline where everything went right. the timeline where they fought to make it right, and somehow found their way to each other.

ughgfjghfh sometimes it feels like i'm witnessing the greatest love story of my time!!!

but despite the extraordinary circumstances they seem to share between them, the whole "the universe aligned for us" vibes of it all, their relationship is probably harder work than most.

they often spend weeks apart at a time, if not months. even if they really need the physical connection, they have a contractual obligation to their work and the people they employ to not act on every whim. they probably see each other through screens more often than they do in person — or sometimes, when they're really busy, not at all. 

their love is like water, steady and ever-present and reassuring, trickling quietly even if you don't see it; and i think this is beautifully reflected in goodnight. 

because for a song that is so clearly about love, nowhere — not even once — is there any mention of the word 'love'. instead, it's quite unseen, tucked away gently between the lines, around the corners of words and actions that ring with the familiar pang of affection:

❝ using a bowl of noodles, a bowl of soup to flush away this piece of sorrow ❞

❝ using a short phrase, a bowl of food to take away the entire night's loneliness ❞

in tears over the fact that food is a central theme to this song!!!!

for a lot of people but especially in asian families, food is the ultimate love language. y'know the joke about how a plate of sliced fruit is as close an apology as you'll get with asian parents? yeah. it's the mothers seeing their kids off to university with container upon container of pre-cooked, homemade meals. it's the spreads of food they make at home (a meal is usually rice + soup + dishes), the food all made to share with the ones you love rather than individually portioned, because meals are when everyone makes the time to be together.

it's how "have you eaten?" is a replacement for "how are you?" in so many asian cultures, because to eat is to be healthy and fulfilled.

xz has always seemed to me a keeper of tradition where he can. as someone who loves to cook + all the times yb took it upon himself to make sure xz was eating right + if you're a 🔴🟢 loyalist like me, the numerous food-related anecdotes they've shared, i can't help but think xz associates meal times with connection and with yb 🥹

and just for now, that's enough to tide him through the meals and days apart. that's enough to tide him through the wait, until the next time they can be together again, 

because i think waiting is very romantic,

❝ don't be too pessimistic; need to get used to it sooner or later  the one left behind has no choice but to bear it ❞

because to love you is to love loneliness,

❝ the starlight i once looked up to see every star shining faintly perhaps loneliness is commonplace ❞

❝ every faraway place is right next to you ❞

"and in my dreams hidden deep in my heart is the sweet fantasy of you and me / but then i realised loving you is loving loneliness"

"i think loneliness will accompany me for a lifetime."

because you and i will be together for the rest of our lives, with just these feelings,

❝ don't retreat seeing your single-mindedness is able to disperse my anxieties ❞

"it's okay, wang yibo. the road ahead is long."

because, at the end of the day, love is very rarely about the grand gestures. it's very rarely the diamond-studded necklaces, or the custom logo designing, or the changing flights to see which one will bring me to you faster. love is the "have you eaten?", the "be safe", the "let's do this together next time", the "this reminded me of you", the "don't stay up late", the "i'm on my way", the "i'll do this for you", the "i wanted to show you this", the "i'll wait for you".

love is making do with text messages or video calls or simply thoughts of the other person, a blanket of warmth as you lay down to rest, lingering over the last word because you're hesitant to part even through a screen, but oh—

❝ time to stop speaking, the sun's about to rise thank you for the 'goodnight' you gifted me ❞

♥️

closing notes: thank you for reading all the way till the end of this absolutely unhinged collection of thoughts! i would love to hear what you think, or which part(s) spoke to you the most.

this was my first time writing up anything like this, and i had the best time chronically overthinking reading between the lines and stringing everything together into a narrative flow that (hopefully!) makes sense. unfortunately, like xz, i too am a victim of occupational hazards. shoutout to my film professor who made absolutely sure that i would never again be able to consume a piece of media like a normal person rip

i am usually at @cityscape over on twitter if you would like shorter, but no less deranged, word hours! ♡

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← back to masterpost

[nepheia]

07 ∙ the hidden yizhan song no one is talking about: return to zero

[ ✼ part 7 of the self is not me, but us series ]

yes, we're all victims of the goodnight syndrome — myself included, because it's been like three weeks or something and i still have it on loop. i'll get to that in the next part, where you'll realise i am! absolutely! not normal! about that song!

BUT. also dropping on that same day was return to zero, which i haven't really seen too many people talk about. to me, it's as heavily yizhan-coded as goodnight, if a little subtler, and not just because of the mountains on the lyrics poster (which thankfully aren't snow-capped, else i would've been Even More Insane):

if goodnight is yz in the present, in their disgustingly sweet power husbands married couple era, then return to zero is yz in the past, circa 2018.

❝ the silence of sighs and someone's secret time flows backwards the blurs of light and shadow confusion and clarity ❞

this verse and the nature-related imagery of the lyrics took me back to the tail end of that whirlwind summer, where — if you'll let me project a little — both xz and yb were likely having to confront the intimacy they've shared over the course of filming cql.

after months of "time-travelling" every day (jumping between past to present-day wangxian, from period to modern-day yizhan), xz had to leave their little bubble of security. the cast and crew who've taken in stride their egregiously open secret, their egregiously open displays of affection. the convenient excuse of playing soulmates in a passion project they don't even know will air. 

he had to go back to a time where they didn't get to spend hours and hours together every day. to a time where he would have both clarity ("if i spend time apart from him, maybe i'll be able to figure out what this is") and confusion ("but now that i've experienced it, can i unlearn what it's like to spend every waking moment with him?").

he had to take that japan trip to walk away from wei ying and, as some say, to figure out who exactly he felt those emotions for.

❝ the letter that was never sent and the you who is unknown ❞

re: "never sent" — for those of you familiar with the japan trip cpn, there's the wechat block theory… i've always been ambivalent about that so i won't include that here. but that's an alternate and very applicable line of thought!!

there really was no need for letters, was there? because that "i miss you" may have been woven onto a cap, but it might as well have been a loudspeaker, with how persistently and publicly its owner wore it. and well, xz did figure it out sometime during that trip. after all, when he came home, the modern man wasn't unknown anymore; he was going to be named c:

❝ it turns out reality and the dream world zero out together ❞

where did you find love, xz was asked once. in a dream, he said.

and what could be more dreamlike than finding your soulmate while filming a story about, well, soulmates?

you could read these two lines as xz resurfacing from that trip with a more nuanced answer to "is what i feel because of the role or because of the person?". fiction and reality have cancelled each other out, because he is allowed to have both. (to keep with the theme of multiple selves: he is both.) his feelings for yb are as real as they come, and they can co-exist with the realisation that as the person who brought wei ying to life on screen, a part of him will always love lan zhan. that's the kind of story you will never, ever be able to tell again. 

but i also like to think of these lines as his thought process during that trip.

it always made sense to me that xz maybe needed some time to think about it all, and to figure out how to reconcile what they have (dream) with what they're allowed to have (reality). they were both rising stars with a lot to lose, but they're also just people, who i believe were — are — acutely aware that this isn't something you find every day, sometimes never even in a lifetime.

so he decides they'll make it work.

and you know when the books describe the oh moment? when the world seems to pause on its axis, when everything is suddenly clear and bright and beautiful?

❝ the wind is flying past the fog is dusted over the sky suddenly held its breath ❞

❝ a loud explosion from the moment i saw you ❞

yeah stand up mister xiao "team love-over-time but suddenly couldn't say that when roseonly asked if he believed in love at first sight" zhan

⎯⎯ ୨୧ ⎯⎯

and now just for fun, because i'm already insane and might as well go all in:

🎪 bonus round — a series of cute etymological coincidences!

remember i said thankfully no snowy mountains in the poster visual? 

零 (zero), like many a chinese character, is made up of different component characters or radicals: 雨 (rain) + 令 (lots of different meanings depending on context, sorry!!). coincidentally, this is the same 令 as in 陈情令 / cql, and we also know xz and yb are both self-proclaimed rainy day enjoyers.

coincidentally also, 零 (zero) and 雪 (snow) both share the same 雨 radical.

i yoyo quite intensely between the idea that obviously no one has the goddamn time to think about all this (except me, apparently) and that this is also xz's specific brand of nerdy linguistics (• ◡•)

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← prev ┊ part 6: the elephant in the room: reading this album as a cpf → next ┊ part 8: on goodnight, all the same, and the ordinariness of love

[nepheia]

06 ∙ the elephant in the room: reading this album as a cpf

[ ✼ part 6 of the self is not me, but us series ]

WHEW WE MADE IT TO THE 2ND HALF

a short section this time, but there's always this conversation to be had, huh?

i think a lot of people misunderstand when cpfs say we see yb or yz in some of these songs. most of the time, we get accused of not being able to see xz as an individual, or that we don't respect him for who he is because we make it sound like he's doing this for yb.

let's get one thing straight.

xz is scarily, incredibly, extraordinarily talented as an artist and a person. i think we all see that us was an exercise of stretching the self through musical storytelling, of taking the time to really create something special that represents him, and it has been received as such within the industry as well.

this album is neither for fans nor for yb. this album is a labour of love by xz, for xz, and about xz. they're about his stories, his experiences, his emotions.

but when your life is so intertwined with someone else's, when you've spent so many years orbiting around each other, is it so strange for them to become a part of you? is it so strange for you to start associating some sights and senses with them? is it so strange to want to weave them into a project as personal as this, because to you, a journey with them is your journey too?

are these emotions not also his?

❝ every faraway place is right next to you ❞

❝ even if there are thorns underfoot i'll gladly accompany you to the end ❞

❝ thank you for the 'goodnight' you gifted me ❞

anyway

YOUR HONOUR, THIS IS A MAN IN LOVE. TURTLES RISE UP LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS (and honestly, the main reason i wanted to do an analysis in the first place before it all got away from me)

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← prev ┊ part 5: whenceforth do the night walkers go? screens as a means of travel → next ┊ part 7: the hidden yizhan song no one is talking about: return to zero

[nepheia]

05 ∙ bonus: whenceforth do the night walkers go? screens as a means of travel

[ ✼ part 5 of the self is not me, but us series ]

confessions of a night walker really stood out to me on first listen because a) it's xz's gorgeous, tinkling voice; b) i love night walks!; c) i could look at it through an academic lens.

so, as a nerdy little bonus before we move on...

the song reads at first like a wistful critique of modern society: we've become creatures of connection, largely through the feedback loops (SEE, IT'S HERE TOO) on our screens. there is an almost perverse beauty to the fact that the internet never sleeps, that you only need to reach out and there will be a community somewhere to be a part of. but at what cost — and is this a husk of what human connection should be?

❝ drawing oxygen from the wireless network ❞

❝ those who walk at night never turn off their lights allowing the night to be completely resplendent ❞

❝ a sacrifice for loneliness a complement for darkness looking for someone who is the same ❞

as if on cue, my media theory major reared her ugly head and asked: if 夜行人 literally means someone who goes around at night — fellow travellers at night — then isn't there a fun contrast between physical travel and the imagined travel through a screen?

margaret morse talks about this in one of my favourite media theories ever: the ontologies of everyday distraction.

the theory mostly explores the concept of imagined mobility (the feeling of travelling even if you're not) and re-imagining mobility (challenging the notion that travelling must be a physical movement of the body). she says these three things are all mediums of travel: the freeway (i.e. the roads), the mall, and the television.

everyone knows freeways take you to places physically, a stretch of road longer than most others to evoke satisfaction for having travelled a long way.

but the mall — or in this case, "online shopping with more abandon" — brings places to you. the infinite products available for sale makes your little shopping app this utopia of consumption, a litany of the world's offerings in your palm. you no longer have to be in the same place as the thing you want to buy: you can buy japanese matcha from your local department store in sydney, or from your too-small apartment in new york.

this shopping experience is similar to the 'travel' you get from screens — the television, the phone, the computer. 

even after you retreat back into the private space of your home, your screens give you the ability to 'interact' with things outside the home: commodities, people, stories that belong to others (film, news, etc). this has been the case for all screens — even dating back to the radio/newspapers, really — where they have always been a way of escapism. filling the human void for new sensations, a curious hunger for things you would otherwise never be able to see.

❝ treat the unfamiliar with sincerity treat the familiar with cruelty ❞

we do this because we're all constantly looking for something new to ✨ Spark Joy ✨. we tire of the same things too quickly, our attention spans shorter and shorter, flicking through reels and pictures and channels on the hunt for something to satiate our desire for the new.

❝ the further the distance the more complete a person ❞

the mall and the television (and our screens now) all acquaint people with this imagined mobility: going places in our minds even though we aren't going anywhere physically. it taps into the same part of our brain that finds satisfaction — or at least fascination — in learning about world news, because it makes us seem well-read or well-travelled.

⎯⎯ ୨୧ ⎯⎯

OKAY ENOUGH CHELS what does this have to do with xz or this album?!?!?!?!

the overall theme of the album, and a focal point of drifting especially, is that we exist at the intersection between two realms. whether that's dreams vs. reality, the singular self vs. the plural self, or inner sphere vs. outer world, every single song has touched on this in some way or the other.

and i found it an interesting parallel with morse's conclusion in the book: that "everyday distraction" doesn't mean that a singular realm is being interrupted. just because your screens give you access to the public sphere while you're at home doesn't make your home any less private. it just means that we're capable of inhabiting multiple realms at once.

xz's multiplicity of the self, right?

consider also: the fact that xz's profession revolves around being seen on screen(s). every time he steps onto a stage or into a role, he exists at the intersection of two spaces: the world of the character he's trying to play, and how little or how much of himself he should be bringing to the portrayal.

consider also 2.0: he's said before that being an actor enables him to live entirely different lives and experience things he would otherwise never be able to experience as xiao zhan. oh hey, isn't that imagined mobility? :)

sorry im a big nerd i will shut up now

for readers who aren't interested in the cp portion of this analysis, this is a great place to turn back! thank you for reading this far, and i hope you enjoyed the stay ♡

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←  prev ┊ part 4: why i say this album is xiao zhan in a bottle →  next ┊ part 6: the elephant in the room: reading this album as a cpf

[nepheia]

04 ∙ why i say this album is xiao zhan in a bottle

[ ✼ part 4 of the self is not me, but us series ]

you're probably tired of hearing me talk about loops like chels why r u so obsessed???

the common meaning associated with 'loop' is to put something on repeat, right? at first glance, that sounds totally out of alignment with xz, who has said very strongly before that he wouldn't go back for anything. 

but consider: to loop also means to start again.

and xiao zhan has begun again many, many times before.

he started again at the age of 25, when he debuted as a singer. he started again after what happened in 2020, rising from the ashes to chart the rest of his career. 

he starts again in every single film he makes and every single stage he performs. every role is a clean slate, where he has to walk out of his previous characters to live the life of new ones. but more than that, he starts again because he approaches each project with the same kind of beginner's sincerity that has endeared him to so many — sincerity for the art form, sincerity to learn, sincerity for doing the work and doing it right.

i also really loved how connection was shown differently in the narrative storytelling element (the circular loop) vs. the visual storytelling element, the linear tree bridging the three different title tracks:

the whole illustration has a sense of upward direction and looks like a journey, just like the album listens and reads and tells like a journey. the journey of xz through different junctures of his life:

xz was thrust very abruptly into the clutches of fame as a relatively late industry newcomer / when cql blew up, and into the eye of the storm in 2020. it would've been an entirely human reaction to constantly be battling the chaotic din of emotions, a bloody war within the mind (us). a crushing sort of sadness (restoration). constantly looking over his shoulder, wondering when the other shoe will drop, a fear of being a spectacle and an almost despondent resignation (all the same).

but he, the incredible and bright person that he is, refocuses on the self (glimmering). rises above the noise, takes the time to sift through his own thoughts and really ponder his place in the world (confessions of a night walker). what matters most to him, where he wants to go, and ultimately what he can and wants to do (drifting).

he makes peace with the fact that he might have to start again, but he's stronger and wiser and more resolute for it (return to zero). he charts his course (lighthouse), looks ahead (don't look back), and — well, comes back with his star burning even brighter than before.

of course, this is only my opinion, and i would never claim to speak for him in any way, but seeing all this become creative inspiration for his music almost feels like catharsis. i am so grateful — and quite frankly a little surprised — that xz decided to be this vulnerable with the first proper collection of music he's ever put out. i'm glad it's not only laden with positive messages. it's not a sugarcoated, polished look at a celebrity. it's all the many parts that make a person: the best and brightest, the dark and desolate, and everything in between.

it's like he's finally ready to speak about the story, and finally ready to let it go.

he's set to only go forward now, to go upwards, and — in his favourite words — to be 越来越好 (better and better). he's taking the lessons with him but closing that chapter in his life, with

❝ a goodnight left for my past ❞ 🌙

ZHANZHAN YOU MUST ONLY LIVE WELL FROM NOW ON OK!!!!!!!!!!! ;_;

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←  prev ┊ part 3: the dark whimsicality of drifting: a visual analysis →  next ┊ part 5: whenceforth do the night walkers go? screens as a means of travel

[nepheia]

03 ∙ the dark whimsicality of drifting: a visual analysis

[ ✼ part 3 of the self is not me, but us series ]

i was sooooo taken by drifting when i first heard it.

what a lovely and uplifting melody! what a whimsical and gorgeous and quaint little music video! 🥰 and in the teaser, hope fell asleep and woke up on this island so maybe this xz is a personification of hope and its place in his career!!!!!! 🥰🥰🥰

then the occupational hazard kicked in, and the thinking cap came on, and i had the time of my life proving myself wrong.

unlike the us mv, where the thrill was in trying to piece together the overarching story based on the visual cues we had, drifting was almost the opposite. the story was plain to see; as everyone has rightly pointed out, it's pretty apparent that the mv depicts — or at least has a striking, uncanny resemblance to — xz's journey from normalcy to celebrity.

what i enjoyed with this mv in particular was zhanzhan in wonderland’s outfits the search for the visual cues that they've slipped in and what (else) they could mean!!

i loved that they took so many creative liberties in the way they expressed the dark side of xz's celebrity, coating it in the same pretty, whimsical, wondrous sheen that so often packages the idea of stardom:

that although his dream of music was upheld and supported by his career as a designer, and although he probably did sleep on that call to join that audition programme, fame was a high-speed train that caught him unawares, sweeping him very abruptly away from a quaint little life where things were actually quite lovely in their ordinariness,

that he swung onto the entertainment scene but was left to fend for himself on the precipice of newfound fame; stakeholders wanting to control him under the pretense of guidance and insight, feeling like he was slipping away from the music or the films he wanted to make,

that sometimes he wakes up disoriented, constantly shuttled from hotel to hotel, bed to bed, depending where his schedules take him; bedtime (and his pillow!) the only reprieve,

that stardom is a labyrinth where the goalposts are constantly being moved, a large and intimidating and often lonely endeavour; that he has to fight an uphill battle and go out of his way for even a moment's comfort, without even the luxury of slipping out of the celebrity skin,

that fame is a terribly precarious thing, taking so long to scale and build yet able to fall apart in only a matter of moments; that he has to walk a tightrope to regain some semblance of control in his life, to light the way, to finally write his own story,

but… did he? has he really wrestled that control back for good?

or is it yet another loop like the start and end of the mv suggest — because to be a celebrity, even at his level, is to always be subject to the same, lonely tug-of-war? the invasions of privacy? the constant unrest? the risk of everything falling apart from one little move?

:)

something something i love bittersweet songs i learnt from the best ok

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← prev ┊ part 2: the self is not me, but us → next ┊ part 4: why i say this album is xiao zhan in a bottle

[nepheia]

02 ∙ the self is not me, but us

[ ✼ part 2 of the self is not me, but us series ]

okay that first part was a long-winded lead-up, but now we're at the main event: how the multiplicity of the self is the star of the entire 我们 album, but especially the mv. there are probably a hundred different ways you could interpret that gorgeous 6-minute film.

you could say it's a re-enactment of what xz experienced in 2020; that 'we' the fandom may be a collective but not a monolith, that the 'us' is complicated between star and supporter. 

you could say it's a cynical look at the psyche; that we need to shut down the din of emotions, because only in their absence, only when numb, can you truly face the hard truths.

you could say it was just his cheeky way of making his "charming and adorable villain" dreams come true!! and that 'we' are two halves of the same coin, a classic split personality antihero where one cannot have come to fruition without the other.

or...

❝ only after walking the boundless wilderness can you see us ❞

i like to think that the mv — just like xz — dismantles the notion that the 'real' self or the 'honest' self must be a clean-cut, singular thing. the most real self can be (and usually is!) what xz calls a boundless wilderness, an 'us': many disparate, messy, often contradictory parts. we also see mentions of this in restoration and glimmering:

❝ the most prideful, the most incorrigible and precious me ❞ ❝ the dull and crestfallen, diminutive me ❞

❝ the prideful, the unknowing, the helpless all of this proving that all are me ❞

these parts all co-exist in this networked hive that we call the spectrum of emotions, irreparably connected, because only through one emotion can we understand another. joy exists because sadness exists. sadness, all gentle tears and despondent eyes, teaches us that anger is different in its bitter brashness, that solitude is different in its cold loneliness, that despair is different in its bottomless depth of malice and loss.

to do away with any of them is to reduce ourselves to the black-and-white that does no justice to how complex human conflicts are. was hope vs. despair simply light against darkness? did despair 'win' just because he made it out?

no, because hope and despair don't exist in vacuums. the lyrics tell you as much — that nothing exists in a vacuum. if some emotions, some concepts, didn't exist, the way we understand life itself is likely to change:

❝ in a world without falsehoods will we be able to sleep more soundly? ❞

❝ in a world without objective truth will we be able to live more simply? ❞

if you take this lens and plaster it onto the mv, then hope and despair are helplessly intertwined, almost in a cyclical relationship. hope "birthed" despair, giving him true form the moment he was freed from that box. despair supplanted hope, taking his place out in the open world, so "hope" can also sometimes be born from despair.

⎯⎯ ୨୧ ⎯⎯

NOW. IF YOU'LL INDULGE ME.

🎪 bonus round – peak nonsense tinfoil hat theory: for those familiar with vocaloid, see: kagerou days

❝ perhaps we all became accustomed a long time ago but no one discerned it the most defeated samaritan devolved into a savage perhaps the progress of civilisation has to be cruel in order to be more hurtful than you we can only reclaim our natural state ❞

because this is a cyclical relationship, what if this is all a loop? where hope and despair know (they became accustomed a long time ago) but no one else does?

hope (the most defeated samaritan, by force) is fading away, left to die in despair's chamber. the seed of hope he planted and then subsequently picked up in the desert will sprout into a new being in this confined space, taking despair's place (devolved into a savage). 

despair (the most defeated samaritan, by choice) has taken hope's place in the outside world (devolved into a savage i.e. reduced to the 'other', no longer connected to the "civilisation" of the mind). he picks up the seed, returns to the hive mind, tries to free the newly-born despair — who he knows better than anyone else, maybe this time they can do it right, maybe this time they will break free of this cursed loop — and gets a shard of glass through the gut for it.

and the cycle repeats. despair supplanting hope, hope becoming despair, each trying to reclaim what they once were.

if despair hopes to escape, if hope despairs what he got in return for his kindness, then can we still say that the two emotions are entirely separate things?

XIAO ZHAN PLEASE JUST ONE LOOK INTO UR GALAXY BRAIN I NEED CLOSURE 🛐

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← prev ┊ part 1: "the thousand-faced senior, xiao zhan" → next ┊ part 3: the dark whimsicality of drifting: a visual analysis

[nepheia]

01 ∙ preface: "the thousand-faced senior, xiao zhan"

[ ✼ part 1 of the self is not me, but us series ]

i first heard this phrase super recently when i sat down to watch xz's pd101 episode in full, and was genuinely surprised i hadn't seen it around more often. because i think if there was ever a phrase that perfectly encapsulated xz, this would be it.

there is always a negative connotation attached to "two-faced" or "many-faced", and honestly "thousand-faced" comes across as a neutral, untouchable sort of mysterious at best. but i think xz is living proof that that isn't always the case, and maybe we're all looking at these words in too shallow a way.

he's a top Serious Film Actor and also a sought-after (ex-idol-)singer, which sometimes people can't reconcile, for whatever reason. he moves luxury fashion stuff worth many months of rent just as quickly as he does everyday home appliances that you and i can use.

but that's not what i mean.

❝ there have been two xiao zhans for a long time. one of them is here, and that is me. there is another xiao zhan, a xiao zhan in quotation marks, but he may not be me anymore. we all work for him, including myself. ❞ — the cover story | xiao zhan: rift, esquire

what i mean is that xz has always been so fascinating because he is a study in internal multiplicities. he's never made secret his compartmentalisation between his public and private selves, and even those two halves are splintered into so many more parts that aren't so cleanly cut.

in the same breath, xz can be both gentle and ambitious. humble and confident. "i go with the flow" and terribly perfectionist. honest and guileless, deliberate and calculating. considerate and ruthless. takes good care of himself, while also being incredibly demanding of himself.

he wants both, wants them all, and i like him for wanting it all. i want him to want it all. he isn't "our king can do no wrong!" because what does it mean to be 'right'? what does it mean to be this one 'perfect' person?

xz previously gave us a glimpse into his answer:

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→ next ┊ part 2: the self is not me, but us

[nepheia]

masterpost ∙ the self is not me, but us: reflections on xiao zhan's 《我们》

[ originally posted on twitter and google docs 𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅ ]

when xz first dropped his gorgeous mv for us, i thought of doing an analysis to try piecing together the storyline and what it represented. turns out i was more insane than i thought!! so please accept my humble offering: an 8-part study of 我们 — on the loop and how it relates to xiao zhan, the multiplicity of the self, and the language of ordinary love ♡

if i had even half the precise eloquence that xz has, maybe this entire analysis (can we even call it that anymore??) wouldn't have spiralled out of control the way it did. but i don't so here we are 😭

(real life footage of me every time i checked the word count on this bc wtf)

by no means am i saying that these are the only meanings or the definitive meanings of the album, only how i personally choose to read it! everyone is welcome to have different opinions because interpretations are one of the greatest joys of good text c:

literally none of this would be possible without incredible translators like @sunsandships (whose album lyric translations i referred to for this) so please give translators all your appreciation! 💞

you can jump between sections using the links below, separated handily into different thematic halves:

part 1: the us in him

💫 01 ┊ preface: "the thousand-faced senior, xiao zhan" 💫 02 ┊ the self is not me, but us 💫 03 ┊ the dark whimsicality of drifting: a visual analysis 💫 04 ┊ why i say this album is xiao zhan in a bottle 💫 05 ┊ bonus: whenceforth do the night walkers go? screens as a means of travel

part 2: the us in them

💫 06 ┊ the elephant in the room: reading this album as a cpf 💫 07 ┊ the hidden yizhan song no one is talking about: return to zero 💫 08 ┊ on goodnight, all the same, and the ordinariness of love

[nepheia]

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hello! i’m chels, your resident clown and poor juggler of 300 different interests ♡ one day when there are enough posts, this will be re-formatted into a masterlist — but until then, please enjoy the reads c: