#& now I got my period early even though I’m on birth control | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 28 years ago

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SATURDAY, AUGUST 31, 1996 I’m really tired now. I had been up for nearly 18 hours when I fell asleep and I only slept around 6 hours. I think it was Tom’s snoring that woke me up. I just hope I get caught up on my sleep, cuz I’m looking forward to Tom’s idea for early tomorrow morning. He’s gonna go get his dad’s car and we may go to the Grand Canyon or something.

I went ahead and forged Andy’s signature as a witness on that form. I told Andy I signed it Mark A. M. and that they wouldn’t check. Tom said all they could do was ask him if he signed it and all he has to do is say he did sign it.

Yesterday, Tom reminded me we can’t know what’s going on with me and I shouldn’t think I do, and that I haven’t been having a miscarriage. He told me a miscarriage wouldn’t have caused nearly two weeks of spotting, that it would’ve been a sudden thing, and then I’d have had a regular period. He says we can’t know for sure, but that I’ve had a lot of symptoms of pregnancy. He says I’ve had some tingling in my nipples, which is one of the early signs. It’s so subtle, though, that I’m not totally sure if that was what it was. He says I was peeing frequently, which is another thing you’re supposed to do in the beginning as the kidneys filter the blood and he also says I’ve been moody. But he always tells me I’m moody overall. He says he still thinks something’s changing in me and that we might call the doctor after Labor Day, but if anything was growing in me, it’s gone now. Today, which makes day 13, I’ve had a little more in the way of cramps and also, the spots were bigger and more frequent. When I got up I wiped off 4 bigger spots.

I can see God just laughing his ass off at me saying, “And you thought for a second there that I might just change my mind?!”

Yeah, well, I refuse to cry. I’m sick of giving in to his teasing, torturing, and games. I’m not gonna be the emotional basket case he expects me to be, but I learned something from all this. I really would’ve been a good mother, cuz God doesn’t give good mothers kids anymore. I’ve had to really lecture myself, too, so as not to fall out of reality. I told myself, he’s not gonna change his mind. What makes you think that after so long, he’s gonna let you have a kid? Did you really think he may change his mind? How stupid of you to even have a sliver of hope. You knew this would be the next step. You knew he was gonna begin this whole new phase of teasing you as far as a kid goes. God only wants to hurt you. He doesn’t love everybody and he certainly doesn’t love you.

Like I’ve always said, if I were smart, I’d get on birth control or have my tubes tied or have a hysterectomy cuz that’d really piss God off. But then he’d just go and do something else to hurt me.

Since I know God can and does make mistakes and since there are about 6 billion people in this world that God may not always be able to keep constant tabs on, I wonder if he “slipped” and made the mistake of letting me come out here and have Tom. Since God loves to fuck with the things I love, want, or mean a lot to me, I wonder if he’d ever do something to hurt Tom just to hurt me. It’s a scary thought.

I’d love to believe that my not sleeping too much lately and all that’s been going on with me is a sign of a kid to come and that God’s getting me in the practice of having my sleep cut short. And that the stereo breaking is compensation for something good to come, but I know better. I’m using my old box now, so I’m not totally without a stereo. I will catch up on my sleep soon enough and I know what’s physically going on with me. My body attempted to conceive, but thanks to God and the DES, it didn’t and that’s why I’ve had 13 days of spotting.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy a little while ago and let him know what was going on. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to say. Well, you can’t change fate or fight God, I reminded him.

He says he’s tired of being tested so much by God. I can totally relate to that, of course. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me or what he wants from me. I wish that if he can’t have a positive impact on my life he’d just leave me alone and write off my existence. What does he expect me to do? Break down and lose my mind? Well, I won’t. Go to a doctor for help? I won’t. Try to adopt? I won’t. What does he think he’s gaining by all this? Just a good laugh? Is he not only that sick, but is he that bored, too? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than keep picking at me with one thing after another?

How can Tom think that there’s nothing wrong with me and that something’s changing? How can he not believe, also, that it attempted to make a baby, but didn’t or that something’s wrong? The more I think about it, I don’t know if God would make sure something went wrong that’d cause me to have a hysterectomy. Or something that a doctor would tell me has made me sterile for sure. That would spoil his game. He wouldn’t be able to dangle the subject in my face and tease me with it and hurt me as much. He wants this to be a slow and agonizing process, whereas if I should suddenly be sterile, that’d put an abrupt stop to his games. I think that this isn’t the last time I’m gonna go through 12 days of spotting and 1 of a little more than spotting. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens every few months. I also wouldn’t be surprised if I had a full flow tomorrow. Usually, when my period starts, the first day I have spots or a light flow and the next day I have a fuller flow.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 30, 1996 Now I know what happened, even though Tom says to give it 3 more weeks. He says I can’t know, but I do know. I also know God and the physical symptoms I have make what happened obvious. After putting together everything we read and found out, along with the fact that this is day 12 of the spotting (the longest time I ever bled/spotted), it’s obvious I had a miscarriage. We learned that 30%-50% of women have miscarriages when the egg and sperm meet, cuz it’s common for the genetic codes to be off. So my body attempted to get pregnant, but since that particular egg and sperm didn’t get along, the fetus automatically aborted itself.

See? I knew it. First God wanted to torture and tease me with his not cumming and now he’s on to tease me with miscarriages. He’s never gonna stop. He’s never gonna let me have a child.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 29, 1996 Tom did some research and left a message saying what he checked out was pretty much inconclusive, he couldn’t find too much on spotting, but that one of the first signs of pregnancy is an abnormal flow. He said he also read that ovulation doesn’t occur when I think it does. He said he read something about 2 days on the 8th day of the cycle is when you ovulate, then something about another 2 days after that. That’s odd.

I can’t believe, though, how much I’m just learning at 30 years old. I had no idea the fetus’s heart starts beating at only 3 weeks. I thought that’d be 2-3 months.

This makes day 11 of the spotting. Will it ever stop? See, I just can’t see for the life of me how a fetus could hang in there with all these spots. On the other hand, something may be going on, cuz how confused can a body get and for how long? After 11 days or more days, it ought to figure out what the hell it’s doing.

I have no idea why, but my CDs won’t play. Only tapes. Maybe this is a favor in itself as I’ve come to not like this stereo too much. It just doesn’t have enough power. Certain recordings that are older and softer have barely any volume to them with the damn thing up full blast.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 28, 1996 Well, I’m sorry my worries, curiosities, and questions about what’s been going on with me have worried Tom out of screwing me. I told him, though, to try not to worry and that I’m sorry if I shot our sex lives. He said we could start over and forget our worries and that we don’t need to take a month or so from sex to ease his worries. I just hope he isn’t using this as an excuse to not have sex for a while, to make me wait for it, or to stall my getting pregnant. So, I told him his “morning lecture” is to try not to worry and that while no doctor’s told us not to have sex, there’s no reason why we can’t cuz it’s fun and maybe, just maybe, we will get a kid out of it.

Tom said he’s gonna do some investigating on the computer when he gets home from work. Then he says he’ll print out what he finds out. He says what Kim said makes perfect sense, cuz the uterus always has blood in it. Oh, I didn’t know that. I thought it was just open space until the period set in. I also read that the egg busting out of the ovary walls can cause bleeding. I didn’t know that either.

He says not to worry still and that what I consider a heavy flow, might not be heavy to most women. And that what I consider spots may not even be noticeable to other women. Oh, they’d notice the spots I’ve been having, all right. There’s no missing them.

He still says nothing can get “flushed out” of the uterus either and that having spots here and there after conception may be more common than people think and the reason why it may not be mentioned is so that people don’t worry. It still seems weird that I wouldn’t have heard that as common knowledge, just like it’s common knowledge that women get periods.

Tom explained to me that something can be considered common, even if it’s 1 out of 100. For example, Tom said that to him one-eared people are common. I guess I get his point.

What do I still think? The same thing. I think the sperm threw off my cycle and that while it was just one day late, it was screwy, but I still say there’s not a chance in hell that I could’ve conceived.

Kim did say something about the number 2 popping into her head. Well, like I said, this is the second time he came when it was prime time for baby catching, but that’s still too soon. Also, I have to see Dr. Rauche on the 27th, and there’s a 2 in that date, but only for med refills.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 27, 1996 Well, so far I’m doing pretty well at cutting down on the smokes.

I spoke with Andy who read me a funny 6-page letter he’s sending to his friend Michelle. The one he lived with who’s gone to Michigan to be with her terminally ill father.

The spotting is tapering off once again, but who the hell knows what’s gonna happen? I guess I still think I’ll have a bit more of a period next month. By then my body should be back to normal. Especially with this limp dick around. Even if God changes his mind and allows me a child, am I gonna be able to get laid enough to do so?

My parents haven’t called and you know what I’m gonna say about them and that. Same thing I said about Jenny C. Why should either of us bother? We’re better off without associating with each other.

Later…

In a half-hour, I’ll be waking Tom up.

This having my cycle thrown off has kind of played on my emotions. It hasn’t been too, too bad, though, and I guess you could say that on a scale of 1-10, I’m affected by about a 4. This is the best I’ve felt physically, though, since the cycle went wacko. I feel less watery and my tits are a little less sore. My weight’s still up to 102, so that’s not cool. This shows I’m still “period constipated.” Usually, after a regular period, I’m 99.

Later…

Tom just went down on me and now he’s in the shower. He’ll be off to work in a half-hour.

He said I still had sort of an acid taste down there like I do when I have my period, but isn’t sure if it’s due to spotting or sweat, cuz I was walking on the walker to keep my mind off smoking. I said it had to be sweat due to not spotting for nearly 24 hours. Then he said it was time for my morning lecture and he reminded me that since I want a baby, I must remember that some things will be different. He said to expect changes and for some things to sometimes seem weird and unexplainable and don’t panic.

Is he saying he thinks I could be pregnant now? Well, I know I don’t know it all and that anything’s possible, but I think it’s OK and fair to say I’m 99.9% sure I’m not. Hopefully soon enough! I’m so afraid, though, to get my hopes up and am trying not to hope, due to past experiences we all know about.

MONDAY, AUGUST 26, 1996 Tom said not to worry, but it’s not that easy. I still fear new shit’s gonna be replacing old shit. If my body felt so out of whack due to an attempted pregnancy, imagine how it’d react if I could’ve gotten pregnant.

I just wish so many things weren’t so slow and confusing. I wish they could just be whatever they were gonna be without such long, drawn-out, weird, and complex build-ups. I mean it’s like, can’t we just get the show on the road? Meaning, if I can get pregnant, can’t I just get pregnant? If I can’t, then must there be all these weird and different body and emotional reactions, and can’t I just feel and function normally down there and overall and get on with my life? All the more I feel like God or just life itself was playing mind games with me. Does everything have to be such a mystery? Can’t anything in life just happen or not happen without any build-ups? Not worrying isn’t that easy for me as I’m not blessed with Tom’s ability to not worry and to not want to understand or analyze things. I wish I had a plan and simple answer to what’s going on and to what will happen, but I know that’s just wishful thinking God wants things I care about or want to be such a big deal with all the build-ups, confusion, and dramatics attached.

Later…

Tom asked me to do an art job for him to use in a game he wants to create on the computer that’s sort of like virtual reality. He wants me to pick a room and draw all 4 walls from close up and from further away. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve got one wall done at a close-up range, so when he gets up I’ll see if I’m going about it right and giving him what he’s looking for. I know him, though. He’ll be too busy to ever use these drawings if I can do them correctly.

I haven’t heard from Andy tonight, so maybe he got all talked out.

Kim called early in the morning and we finally got our current Bob game down pat. She’s sending him a letter saying I called screaming on her machine about there being some trouble, but she hung up. She’ll also say she’s been trying to get a hold of me to find out what was wrong, but Tom and everyone haven’t heard from me. I’ll hold off all mail to him till after Labor Day, then both Kim and I will write to him as if nothing ever happened. If he asks us about it, we’ll deny knowing anything about it. He should get the letter today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I did up 5 envelopes for Larry with flowers and animals mainly and I’m gonna get working on my own stuff for my sketchbook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 25, 1996 I was on the phone with Andy for just over two hours. He filled me in on the rest of the trip, but I’ll get into it later. I’m busy doing artwork now.

Later…

Yup, something’s definitely wrong with me. I’m spotting again. This definitely wasn’t a case of my plumbing getting confused. It’s a case of God making the final destruction of my female parts. I knew it, though. I just knew it. It’s time for me to deal with my next long-term punishment. This is perfect timing, too, since Tom began cumming a couple of months ago. Besides, when Jodi really wants something bad, Jodi can’t have it.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 24, 1996 So, Andy says he wasn’t in Springfield for too long and that he no longer gives a shit about his 3 brothers who are just fucked up, whacked out, and are coke heads who don’t give a shit about Andy. He said he had to see them and see how different they are and how screwed up they are and how much they couldn’t care less about him to realize that he’ll never need to cry over them again.

He spent the first night or two at the house he grew up in. He said he didn’t go walking in the woods as he had planned, but that he really enjoyed talking with Garry’s new girlfriend. Garry sleeps in the day and she’s up all night like Andy is, so they hit it off instantly and he said he learned all kinds of sad and embarrassing things about Garry. He says the only thing Garry’s got going for him is that he’s 42, but looks 10 years younger and is handsome and in shape.

The girlfriend, Jenny, is Puerto Rican. Garry only dates blacks and Puerto Ricans, from what I hear. He says Jenny’s very open sexually and was married for 18 years with 2 teenage boys. She and Garry love each other, but she says she’ll never marry Garry. She says they’re just having fun living with each other and having sex and doing coke.

Andy still has no desire to move back there but says he’d probably be great pals with Jenny if he lived there.

He said that the day he arrived, it was beautiful and everything was so green. He knew, though, not to let all that green fool him, for in a matter of months, it’d all be gone and he’d be cold and miserable if he were there.

During his 7 days at the beach, 5 of them were cloudy.

He says he saw all kinds of people we both knew, as well as people he just knew from Springfield. Yes, he saw Charlotte and Jim and Char said she was thrilled to get my letter and loved my artwork and is happy I’m happy.

A funny thing happened with Char. Andy said that as soon as he knocked on her door she jumped out and she gave him a big hug and kiss.

So? She does that all the time to me. Andy said that was her and me, not her and him (true) and said she hasn’t done that since he was little.

What’s the point? I asked. He said not only could he smell booze on her breath, but he knew it was Bacardi Rum, being the bartender that he is at the restaurant where he works. I guess Charlotte was really feeling good and who knows how much she is into drinking? I don’t remember her being an alcoholic, but those things were easily hidden from me as a kid, I wasn’t observant or perceptive, so who knows if she’s an alcoholic?

He says Family Pizza wasn’t the same as he always remembered it to be.

He says he saw Bea and her daughter Michelle who sort of lived behind us and he saw Natalie and Al M. He also named off seeing other people that I believe I remember. I have at least a vague memory of them, anyway. He says most of the people we knew are really aging.

He says he saw two of the Therus kids. One of them, the only son out of the 5, still looks like scummy white trash. I then remembered that I used to stick my tongue out at him constantly and that he one day threatened to rip my tongue out of my mouth and I just stood there laughing.

Here goes my fucking wisdom tooth bothering me again.

Anyway, he had a hard time sleeping there once David, Kelly, and their two kids got there. They’d get up and be louder than hell early in the mornings. That’s families for you and people with kids always think they own the world.

He said he was walking on the beach alone one night and he was dead center on the beach by the shore when that mortal, terrifying vibe came over him. A voice said to him to get home now. Now! So he did and then the voice said to turn off the lights in the cottage and make it look like he was asleep. He never did see anything or anyone, but he says the vibe told him that a serial killer was lurking around and would’ve killed him. He says he knew he’d have killed anyone just for the thrill of it.

One night he met this girl Lisa who was in her late 20s, was there alone and was renting a 3-bedroom cottage for a week at just over $500. That’s a lot of fucking money for a week! She’s a receptionist at a law firm and they hit it off really well. One night he and Lisa and a couple of other teenagers were climbing onto the flat rocks when a female Puerto Rican security guard on that beach asked them to leave. The teenagers left, then Andy showed her his license. Then he explained that he only gets to be there once every two years and that that was Lisa’s first time there and he asked if they could stay a little while. She said sure and she and the dog she had in her truck joined them. They all talked for 2½ hours. Her name was Olivia and he says she was my type. Tall, dark, and feminine.

Andy found out that people in a nearby cottage own those flat rocks and how they bitch about teens having sex on the flat rocks and leaving rubbers and beer cans in that area and their lawn. If someone got hurt on those rocks at night, they’re also liable for that.

Some soap star also lives nearby that Andy said he couldn’t care less about.

So Andy thought it was nice of Olivia and was grateful to her that she kicked off everyone else, but let him and Lisa stay. They talked about all kinds of things. Olivia and her cop husband were from Texas, but they got transferred to the Niantic area.

As Lisa and Andy were walking back to their cottages for the night, Andy told her that he believed there was a purpose for their meeting each other. It turns out that Lisa, like us, always wanted to move far from home, but is very close to her family. Andy told her that if she’s that close to her family, don’t move.

Later…

I got a little dizzy at one point during the night, but feel better now.

Andy never called back, so I guess he fell asleep.

Andy said that while Bea would be standing up on the beach, she’d do what Andy calls a Hollywood pose to show off. I can picture this, too, and I’m anxious to see Andy impersonate her.

He also said Charlotte was really trying hard to cover up and hide her buzz.

According to him, Natalie must be losing her mind cuz she asked Andy 3 different times how life in California was. I wouldn’t know, and Andy would have to remind her that he lives in Arizona.

How fucking nice! Char says my folks played them our wedding video where my hair looked fried, my face looked shitty and I looked 125 pounds. Char says she loved it and I guess Mom and Dad were pointing out the parts they liked. What was Char supposed to do, though? Tell Andy I looked like shit?

Tom’s getting up now, so I guess I’ll call it quits with writing for now.

Later…

Tom told me the secret and yes, it’s a stupid piddly-assed thing. I mean, it’s a nice thing, but it’s something I knew would happen someday and I don’t see why this ever had to be a secret. The grand secret is that in a month our bills will be paid. I knew this when he said his father wanted us to have that money. I swear, his wait on this or that obsession is getting awfully old. The same with his repositioning stuff I deliberately move out of order, while I swear I’ll put stuff back where it goes.

Later…

I feel really bad about something I did to Tom earlier. When I got up I was a bit tight and wheezy and he was on the phone giving computer advice to who I thought was Wendy and I thought, here we go again. She’s gonna use him for free advice and interrupt our time together.

Then I went into the kitchen and when I sat down to eat there were shitloads of pie crust crumbs on my chair and all over the floor, so I started bitching. He then got off the phone and I started chewing him out and asking why he didn’t offer to whack my back or make me coffee if he heard me wheezing and hacking up a storm. He said he had gestured to me in case I needed anything, but I didn’t see him. Also, he’d been talking to Carla. Someone he used to work with at AMEX and he was bummed out for a few reasons. He had said he didn’t think it was a bad time to take the call since I was asleep and he didn’t know when I was getting up.

He also felt like he’d lost a dream cuz he wants to work with computers and you have to build up a clientele somehow. He says, though, he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, that he wasn’t trying to judge me, and that it’s done and over with. Well, on purpose or not, I still feel really guilty and I shouldn’t have jumped the gun, but I’ll get mine. If God doesn’t punish me, he will. He swears he won’t, but we’ve been through similar situations before. Consciously or subconsciously, he’ll move shit in the house out of order, pick a fight with me or make sure we don’t have sex too often.

I offered to put off the kid he swears is possible for another month or two to punish me, but he says that’d be punishing him also, cuz that’s his dream, too. Yeah, well, I still wouldn’t be surprised if there was no “opportunity” to have sex during my next mid-cycle. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was back to his old ways sexually. Yes, I feel that worry again, cuz this morning we had sex in his favorite position and he never came. He still says don’t worry. I’ll be pregnant in a month. He’s sure of it and that’s the truth, he says. He also says his cumming isn’t always gonna be predictable or something he can control. I had a slight flicker of a light vibe that told me I’d have no period or spots next month, but that seems physically, technically, logically, and scientifically impossible. Tom disagrees with me, but I had an idea of at least one thing that could’ve held him off at cumming all that time. I’ve thought of this several times, but here’s why it seems more of a certainty to me. When we were first married, we were fine financially, but almost right afterward we were broke till recently. Well, we agreed to wait on a kid when we first married, but I find it more than a coincidence that he starts cumming when we’re the best off financially since being married. I understand this, though. It makes sense. I also think God has almost all couples broke their first two years or so of marriage to test their relationships.

I asked Tom if the reason why he didn’t tell me he thought my body would react this way and spot was so I wouldn’t have it playing on my mind. He said, yes. That’s cool. I’ll bet he wouldn’t tell me if he thought I was pregnant till a doctor confirmed that, but that’s cool too, and understandable.

Andy did fall asleep last night at midnight but will be calling later. He won’t be coming over tonight cuz Tom says he’s got to wait and see if he needs those forms notarized.

Tom still says everything will work out the way we want. I hope so. I haven’t been feeling bad, but not too great either. No spots or cramps, but physically and mentally I feel like I’ve got PMS and right on the brink of ragging.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 23, 1996 I’ve got the rest of the movie taping. It’s on Cinemax where there are no commercials, but this way I can zap out any boring parts.

Yes, all’s still fine with next door. So fine, that I fear they’re getting ready to move and soon enough I’ll have to go through the same old shit with new neighbors. I just hope to hell they don’t have some kind of plan. Maybe they said to each other, “Let’s be as quiet as we can for a while, then just when they think we’re gonna stay that way, we’ll raise holy hell.”

It’ll take time for me to not worry as much about them, but the bulk of the worry’s gone, thanks to Tom.

So, that’s it. That’s why the scale says I’m only 100 pounds when I’m so damn bloated. I’ll bet the battery is dying. I’m sure I’m really about 106 pounds.

Later…

Well, I guess Andy will be calling me any minute to tell me all about his trip. I just left him a message to call me when he can, but he or Laura was on the phone.

Tom set up my old speakers to the stereo, so now I’ve got 4 speakers once again. Now it’ll hopefully sound better and a bit more powerful. That was really sweet of him. I’m so glad to have such a brainy hubby.

The spotting has stopped. It kind of stopped last night. This is the first period where I needed no Ibuprofens or big pads in about 10 years.

I’m still really worried about taking on any full-time responsibilities and any changes, due to my schedule problem, but I’m still sure enough that I won’t ever have to worry about that. I used to worry really bad about my teeth, so sure that I’d be a singer, and I just didn’t want to embarrass myself by being a singer with crooked yellow teeth. So what I’m saying is, I learned not to worry over nothing, if I can help it, and also things that are still unlikely to happen or that I don’t know if they could even happen.

On September 15th, it’ll be 28 days since I began spotting, so we’ll see if next month’s spots are the same and on time or not.

I had a funny idea that had me giggling. No, I’m sure I won’t be doing this, cuz no one’s worth it. Certainly not Tammy and my folks, but what if I participated in the depths of their exaggerations, and twisting things around and even their lies? I think they still do tell bigger lies here and there. We all tell occasional white lies. Like I told them I’m dancing to get them off my ass, but I’m talking about constant bullshit or really twisting things around and hyping things up. Like I said, this is just something that I imagine, but what if I surprised Tammy and Mom and Dad with any more letters I may send them if I do? I could say something in Tammy’s letter like, oh, I didn’t know you got pissed off at Mom so bad one day that you ran out of the house stark naked when you were 18. And in my parent’s letter, I could say, I didn’t know you guys used to constantly talk about taking out a huge insurance policy on me, then whacking me off. Then, of course, they’ll go jump on the phone to each other and say, “How dare you say that! This is bullshit!”

Later…

Andy told me lots of stuff about his vacation and says he still has lots more to tell. He’s gonna call me back later and then he’ll tell me more stuff and I’ll tell him about the spotted period and how this ordeal made me go from 100% sure I can’t get pregnant to 90% sure I can’t get pregnant. He says no problem with coming over tomorrow night to sign the form for Tom.

Also, he still wants to read my journals. I can’t believe I said this, but I said I’d let him read the typed versions, but he’s not to tell Tom. I told him too, that once he read my journals, he’ll see that nothing he could say or do or write would be as embarrassing as my journals.

I’m gonna run out of room in this journal, so I’ll write in as much as I can, then jump to the next journal to finish off all about Andy’s trip. So, here are the highlights of Andy’s trip, since I know he’d love for me to document it.

Here’s something that’s pretty ironic, for starters. Back when I was younger and more concerned about what others thought of me and wished someone would put out good words for me, no one did. But now that I couldn’t care less, Andy’s running around the beach doing this big ‘Jodi Promotion’ thing. It’s nice to know that he cared enough to, though. I mean it was nice of him to tell people he wishes they could see me now, my life’s the exact opposite of when I was back east, I’m such a good artist, etc. I’m glad he and Tammy didn’t get to talk long since she was busy. That way she didn’t get a chance to cry all over his shoulder about anything going on with me or the family. That’s my job to do with Andy when I feel like it. Guess I’m not totally innocent of bitching to others, too, about problems I have with others. I think the difference is that I still go to the source first and I don’t say I got hung up on when I was the one that hung up on whoever.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 22, 1996 I’m almost done reading the Amy Fisher story I borrowed from Mom. This girl did very wrong, and deserves to be locked up with the key thrown away, but she sure was fucked over and taken advantage of. All the people involved are classic examples of how dishonest, complex, contradicting, lying, exaggerating, and desperate for attention people are. The world is so much into opposite doing. You tell the world right; the world goes left.

I had another weird, yet funny bird dream last night. We moved, and there was a big hole in the bedroom screen of the window. Maybe 6 inches wide. Tom said he didn’t feel like fixing it right away, so I went to bed with a can of Raid by the bed. Somehow, either we moved the birds over there with us, or they followed us and as I lay there on my way to sleep, I thought to myself how I was curious to see where the birds would choose their eating spot to be.

So as I was waking up when the sun was halfway up, the birds flew in through the window one by one. They flew from the bedroom to the kitchen and I said, “Oh, so this is where you guys want to be fed, huh?”

As I threw seeds for them all over the kitchen floor I said, “Shit! I shouldn’t have done that cuz I don’t want to always have to step around seeds, pull seeds from under appliances, and have the floor all dutied up and now it’s too late. I can never get them out of here now.”

Later…

I wonder if Andy’s back yet. I’m glad my friend’s back or is on his way back, but boy is he gonna be desperate to catch up on his long phone convos! Yuck! He still loves to live on the phone.

Tammy got the bird pictures today along with my letter. She didn’t get into my letter, gladly enough, cuz I’m sick of it and my days of heavy-duty and heated phone conversations or letters are over with as far as my family back east goes. We heard each other out and that’s it.

We got a real kick-ass dust storm at around 4 PM. One of my birds was trying to fly and it looked so funny cuz his wings were flapping, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Not till he turned around and rode with the wind onto the patio where I gave him some seeds. I know birds can sense when a storm is coming, but I guess they can’t sense those sudden dust storms. I hope they’re all OK.

I guess Tom got tired of figuring and speculating about what was going on with me. He says he doesn’t know and has no guesses or ideas about it. He doesn’t like it when I say anything with certainty, yet I do feel almost certain that my body simply got confused and couldn’t get pregnant and couldn’t kick in a regular period, either. I’m still a little watery and my boobs are a little sore, but the spotting has stopped. I’m still sure (I can say whatever I want in here and as often without annoying anyone) that my next period will either be the same or heavier.

Poor Tom overdid today. He trimmed the hell out of the Palo Verde tree out front which hasn’t been trimmed in ages. He conked out a short while ago.

Later…

Oh, yuck! I am so bloated right now, it’s pitiful. The weird thing about it is that I’m only 100 pounds yet I feel 120 pounds.

I realized something about these journals. Guess I don’t ever have to worry about anyone ever reading them, dead or alive, cuz most people hate repetition. Well, there’s certainly enough in here! That I will admit. I wonder what the next long-term, weird, unique issue I’m going to have to deal with for at least two or more years will be.

Robin tried to come by last night, so to speak. She was crying, it seemed, begging me to forgive her for being wrong about next door. She said she would never tell me anything in the future without consulting with God first, for a guarantee of what she says. She also says that she knows I’ve had my curiosities and questions lately, then she goes on to say she won’t give details, but that this time, there’s a very, very very, very excellent chance I’m pregnant. Uh-huh, right. Go away, I told her. Just go away. Whatever’s gonna happen or not happen is gonna be for me to see and find out on my own. Not what she or anyone else says.

Well, Tom’s got 24 days left to tell me what this big secret of his was. I’ve had my ideas, but am still stumped as to what it could be. My guess is a trip to California or some kind of trip, cuz it’s coming up on his vacation time. It better not be, “Guess what? We can go see your family now!”

No fucking way. That’s OK. I’ll pass. If they ever want to come out here, fine. But I ain’t going there and that includes everyone I know there back east from my parents to Tammy and Larry and Kim. If anyone wants to see me, they’re gonna have to find a way to get out here.

Piggy really, really loves his water bowl. He drinks out of it constantly and he loves his new salt spool, too.

Well, I think I’ll go finish up that Amy Fisher book now. Tomorrow I’ll do some more envelopes up for Larry and maybe some drawings of my own, too, in my sketchbook.

Later…

I didn’t finish the Amy book, but I came close. I’ll finish it later or tomorrow. In a little while, I’m gonna watch TV. That is if the reception’s any good. For now, it’s more computer games.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21, 1996 Right after I wrote how the spotting stopped, I had more. On and off my body still feels like it does right before my period. Tom still says everything’s OK, don’t worry, it’s just the body trying to get used to the change and trying to get pregnant. I think it’s a little late for that this month, but Kim told me something rather interesting. She said it’s very rare, but she’s known and heard of women getting all their periods during pregnancy. She says, though, that it is fairly common for women to get 2-3 periods after conceiving as the body can’t always make the instant change, like mine, and the hormone levels don’t always settle in right away. She said if the uterus lining has given off blood in the uterus, it can’t contain itself, it has to flow out and no, it won’t flush out a fetus. Not unless it’s gushing or there’s some other problem with the fetus that’s causing the bleeding.

She also says I’m right, I’m probably not pregnant now, but on my way. You do never know, though, she says.

True, that this experience has sparked a ray of hope in me, but I gotta watch out. What if I’m being the same old sucker I was with Scott, the singing, and all kinds of other things? Am I just getting my hopes up for nothing as seems to be the case with almost everything I really want? I just don’t want to go back to being that hurt little sucker, who dreamt silly and impossible dreams for nothing. Is God up there with a teasing grin on his face, just waiting to snatch this dream away with such unthinkable finality? Is he just waiting for the joke to be on me, so he can laugh like hell with an I-told-you-so and a you-should’ve-known-better attitude?

I best forget it for now, till and if anything happens, and keep it as pushed out of my mind as possible till I find out for sure whether I really can or cannot get pregnant.

Later…

The people next door have still been quiet. Thank God. Thank God a million times over, as it really lifts the stress off me.

I’m spotting again. Tom said don’t worry. He says my period can be anything but normal this month, and then after that, too, till it exists no more. He said if it had been normal, then he’d worry. I have a feeling, though. If I can and do get pregnant, I can’t see myself getting pregnant, having no bleeding or spots during pregnancy, then having regular periods after the baby’s born. I see myself spotting throughout the pregnancy (maybe by the 3rd or 4th month it’d stop) then slowly regaining a normal period cycle after birth. I know that’s common as the body can’t just instantly adapt to major changes. After my period returned after the near 3 years I didn’t get them, they returned slowly. I had 4 lights ones a year, then in a couple of years, they were normal. I’d think they’d start up faster than that, though, as 3 years is a much longer time for the body to be out of the practice of getting periods than 9 months is. My periods will also probably be heavier like they were in my teens, due to the fact that I’ll be fat. I sure was fat as a teenager.

Well, enough of that for now, cuz for all I know, nothing’s ever gonna change or happen. It’s too soon to know anything for sure and you know I’m not gonna be anybody’s fool or sucker. Not God’s, not myself, not nobody’s.

Andy will be back tomorrow. I have no idea what time, though.

Tom got forms for the mortgage extension and I’ve gotta see if Andy will sign it for him as a witness to Tom’s signature.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 20, 1996 Yesterday I got a Little House on the Prairie video. I forgot all about that.

It looks like the spotting is over with. So all in all, I had about 10-15 spots no bigger than a nickel. Some were much smaller. Tom doesn’t know if I could be pregnant and I say I’m definitely not. It still seems logical to me that those spots had to wash anything out that could’ve started growing in there. I think that what happened with us trying to get me pregnant is that my body got confused, the hormones went wacko and it couldn’t take to the egg and sperm, nor could it kick in a period. My guess is that next month, either on time or later, I’ll either have the same old spots or more of a period. Last night I totally felt just like I do a day before my period. I felt some pre-cramps and I was so bloated and my tits were sore. Today I’ve felt the least watery, there have been no cramps and my tits are better. I’m not surprised, cuz my body thinks it’s supposed to be ending its period. About 3-4 days after my period begins, is when it tapers off dramatically. So maybe, just maybe, if God permits and he cums, it’ll take the kid and completely let go of any spots, let alone a period, but who knows? I wish I could know for sure what the hell’s going on and what will go on, but it’s something that we have to wait out.

In just a couple more days, Andy will be back. I expect he’ll want to be on the phone with me for quite a while. That’s OK, even though I’m not into long phone chats anymore, cuz I do want to hear all about his vacation and what he did and who he saw.

What did we have last night? Well, of course, we had a power failure. It didn’t last long, though, thank God. About 20 minutes. I’m sure there’ll be another in a couple of days.

Later…

I just called Larry at his work number and we chatted for a few minutes. Instead of getting me to laugh by telling me it was 40º, he said he was having trouble getting his trucks out of MA and CT due to the snow and ice.

I didn’t know Larry’s business was in CT. I thought it was near their house in MA.

Then Larry said, “Hang on. I’ve got someone here that wants to talk to you.”

Then I heard him say, “Take the phone in there, Jen.”

Oh no, I thought. Don’t put Jenny C on the phone, but it was his daughter, thankfully. So we chatted for a few minutes and she still says she’s working on drawings and a letter for me. I’ll be looking forward to it, I told her.

I’m still a bit ticked off when I think of Mom and Dad and Tammy, but especially Mom and Dad. I think they’ll always complain about me, no matter what I say or do. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. Especially mom, who has no tolerance for anyone who isn’t exactly like her. You have to be a carbon copy of her to get along with her. Or if you’re not a spitting image of her, you better kiss her ass if you want to get along with her.

I asked Tom what he thought about my folks discussing problems they have with me with others. He said maybe they just really needed to talk about it. Yeah, he has a point that I can relate to. I really needed to talk to Kim, Tammy, then Andy about when he wouldn’t cum and when I thought he was bullshitting me about wanting/having a kid.

Sometimes I think to myself, whatever’s been said and done in the past is over with. You know and understand yourself and what you should or shouldn’t say or do either now or in the past, so let it go and just deal with them as they are. Other times I just want to dump the whole family cuz I really don’t need their shit. I’ve been dealing with these people for too long. I wonder if it’s really wise to continue to do so simply cuz we’re related. It’s caused way more harm than good. All I need to deal with is Tom. Not these big-mouthed, lying, exaggerating, negative people who want to pit each other against me and bitch about me constantly.

No, I won’t share my music or art with them anymore, cuz if I can’t share it with those who appreciate it, I’d rather just share it with myself. I try to do stuff for them like a drawing here and there cuz it’s a personally made thing from me to them, but that’s just such a problem with them. Can’t they say to themselves, “Some drawings are nice, some aren’t, but it’s her thoughts and efforts that count.”

Obviously not, therefore I can’t be bothered to deal with people like that. Well, like I told them, they’ll no longer ever hear one word about it.

It burns me up, though, to know that if we did have a kid, I’d want to write to them all about it as it grows, but they wouldn’t want to hear it. What kind of parent does that to their kids by putting such conditions on them, and just what can I write about? What can I tell them about my life or my interests? I may as well go buy blank cards and write: Hi. How are you? Tom and I are fine. The weather’s nice and I hope you both are doing well. Take care and let me know how things are with you. Love, Jodi Lin.

Then send one out every month. It’s like they just want to know that I exist but not what’s going on in my life unless it’s stuff like the weather. It’s like to them, hearing about the same things that make me happy, is just as bad as if I were still getting into trouble.

I’m just tired of them and their ways. I hate people who won’t let others be themselves and I’m tired of them ganging up on me together, making me feel like I’m not good enough, they’ve always got a problem with me and I’m sick of explaining or defending myself to them. I don’t need it. A part of me is sorry I sent that letter telling them how I feel. They don’t want to hear it. All they want is for me to hear how they feel and for me to be what they want me to be. I’m not gonna deal with them at 30 years old and 3000 miles away.

Larry and I both know we’ve done stuff to each other in the past that wasn’t very nice, but as I told him, at least there’s another family member (besides Tom and his family) who’s funny, sane, easygoing, and who doesn’t have a big mouth and judge people by their old ways, mistakes and faults. He’s not intense like Tammy is and you don’t feel all this tension revolving around him and he doesn’t put up a front about a lot of things like Tammy and Mom and Dad do. With Larry and his family, I feel comfortable and I can be myself. He doesn’t get on my ass about the things that interest me, my clothes, etc. Well, when I think of Tammy and Mom and Dad, it’s best to look at their brighter sides. Like how they helped get me out here.

Later…

I just came in from a swim. The pool is still quite nice, and I think the yellow jackets have mellowed out. I haven’t seen one after another for a couple of weeks. I can swim without so much fear now. This is good cuz I thought they wouldn’t go away till mid-September.

I just hope to hell next door stays quiet and doesn’t say, what the fuck, and blast their way in and out. If having power failures every week had to be my compensation for them being quiet, fine.

Later…

Tom picked up a lovely treat for me on his way home from work today. Chinese food. I cooked him pork chops and potatoes.

I just wrote Tom a little love note as after dealing with my family, I can really then see how lucky I am to have someone like him who accepts me as I am.

I wrote: Thanks for loving me so much and letting me be me. For once I am loved and safe from abuse or isolation. It’s like a fairytale/fantasy come true. I always wanted someone like you (I just thought it’d be a woman) to sweep me off my feet and love me so. I also always wanted someone I could love as much as I love you. Yup, we’re one in millions and I believe our love will never die and the flame will never burn out. Maybe God really doesn’t hate me that much. Well, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and being a parent with you!

Later…

Kim called today and I had an interesting chat with her, but I’ll write up on it later. For now, I want to play computer games till a movie I want to see comes on.

MONDAY, AUGUST 19, 1996 Boy have I got all kinds of things to write about. I’m gonna try to get the little stuff out of the way first.

We didn’t get the sound blocks or back room done as I didn’t think we would, but that’s OK. We still had a very fun and productive weekend. There also hasn’t been a peep out of next door, which is wonderful. Tom got the patio done and it looks great. He also did lots of yard work and the backyard looks the best it ever has.

Yesterday we went over to Mom’s, but she was still at Mary’s. I did the dishes for her and Tom set up some new memory on her computer.

Later I spoke to Ma at Mary’s to see how she was feeling. She thanked me for helping her out, too.

Andy called collect yesterday from his uncle’s farm 10 minutes away from Tammy’s house. He wanted her number. He didn’t go over, but they chatted for a couple of minutes.

I also finished all 4 of the poster boards and have them hanging up in the music room. They’re all of different flowers.

We got pictures of the birds I took and they amazingly came out. I didn’t think they would. There was one great one of Tom and two shitty ones of me. My body looked OK in the pictures, but my face was terrible. Seeing the birds on my lap and me patting them was really cool and I sent some to my parents and Tammy with letters enclosed. We also got a computer disk of the pictures and they look a bit grainy but are still really cool looking to see the pictures on the computer. We can print some out too, once we get a new color ribbon.

Later…

OK, I just straightened up in here, so now I can get into other things and I think I’ve covered all the smaller things.

Tom told me that he always thought my body would react to us trying to get me pregnant by this period being late, the next one being later, and then no more, as the body gets used to the changes. He said he’d have been a bit discouraged if I’d gotten a typical period last Saturday right on time, as I thought would be the case.

Well, I’ve had a totally different experience, and this is really weird. My last period was super light and easy and this one’s been virtually non-existent. I’ve only had a few light spots that I wiped off. So, I haven’t needed any pads or tampons at all. I know that I can’t be pregnant and that all it takes is a few spots, such as I’ve had, to flush anything growing in there out, but I wonder if anything’s wrong with me. I hope not.

I wore liners yesterday and the day before figuring I’d bleed enough, but today I haven’t had anything on and still don’t need anything yet. Now, you know, that even if I’d had a regular enough period starting two days ago, I’d still have much more than a few small spots and I’d still need pads or tampons. I haven’t had shit for pre-symptoms, cramps and bloating. My tits are a bit sore, but I’ve been holding steady at 100 pounds.

Just as I figured, Mom and Dad did cry to Tammy all about me and all kinds of other things, but here’s the shocking part. Tammy said she never expected or thought for an instant that this day would come. She told me that Ma admitted to being a rotten mother, etc. She says she and Ma had a wonderful talk about all kinds of things from her parents to everything else that went on in the family’s lives. She says ma’s smoking again and that she was crying so hysterically that they couldn’t calm her down. Dad’s eyes were watering too, and that’s only the second time I’ve ever known his eyes to water. I don’t even know if the guy has ever cried at all.

So Tom was right. They really do feel bad about the hospitals and pushing me away and having me drugged up, though it doesn’t change anything. Shockingly, my parents and I agree that yes, I was a bit wild as a kid, but they should’ve been more positive and not pushed me away, yes, I shouldn’t have been drugged, but I don’t fully blame them. Like I told them, they trusted the word of an expert, as far as what to do with me, and it’s not their fault or mine that we were brainwashed. Also, the staff of Brattleboro and Valleyhead did the shit to me they did on their own. Mom and Dad didn’t tell them to. The important thing is that we all recognize where we went wrong and are trying to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

I guess my parents got the wrong idea in my last letter to them. I wasn’t trying to be mean or hurt them with how I said I needed to be able to be myself, I was just trying to be honest. Also, I wasn’t saying that I was gonna necessarily permanently dump them. I just needed to back off for a while. I asked Tammy if she ever felt I or someone else got on her nerves and she just needed to back off for a while.

“No, I don’t do that, never did, never thought about it, never wanted to,” is what she said.

Oh. I didn’t know she loved me that much and we’re quite different as people. I thought I was someone she could basically take or leave.

Mom and Dad’s basic problem with me is that they don’t want to hear so much about kids, singing, hair, or weight. She says they said they want to know if there’s a problem, and that if I have a kid, that’s wonderful, they’re happy that singing and other things make me happy, but I guess this is the area that I disagree with my family on. How are words harming anyone, unless they’re abusive? I know most people aren’t like me and Tom who couldn’t care less what people say and how often they say it, but wouldn’t they rather hear the same happy things 100 times a day, rather than a bad thing once? This is the part I don’t get. If they’re happy that something makes me happy, then where’s the problem? They say they want to hear about what’s going on in my life. Well, if I can’t tell them that, what can I tell them? I try to ask them questions about their lives, but if I don’t get any answers, I can’t help that. I’ve never stopped them from talking to me as they seem to feel.

They say that they went to Tammy about our problems cuz they didn’t think they could talk to me. That’s no excuse to drag her into it. She has enough problems of her own and I always believed that if you have a problem with someone, you should go to the source, not someone else.

I know I have a problem with interrupting them a lot, but it’s only cuz I may want to respond to something they’ve said before I forget. I am a very perceptive person, but sometimes it’s hard for me to stay focused in a conversation and it’s easier for me to break up a conversation into chunks. You know how ADD works. I feel like they not only interrupt me, too, left and right but that I can’t even say my piece if they don’t want to hear it and I don’t think that’s very fair.

Tom gave me some advice that I think is very good. I asked him how he thought I could go about associating with them without feeling like I have to be self-conscious and not be able to be myself and talk about things that interest me as well, without hurting or annoying them. He said that while it wouldn’t hurt to not be so repetitious, he also feels that if I write something to them that is boring or whatever they have the perfect right to not read it. Well, I know I’ve always been repetitious and that’s my nature, but I’ll try not to be as repetitious with them from now on. I’ll try to keep my letters as brief and as impersonal as I can, but I need to be accepted as me, too.

I’ll probably be obsessed with my weight and hair forever to a degree. As for the singing obsession, well, that ended about 6 years ago when I realized that I didn’t want to deal with the lifestyle that goes with that, I’m not a people person and I don’t like liars and false promises. The kid obsession, I think I outgrew that about a month or two before he started cumming. I wish we never went through that weird sex life we had and that I could’ve always dealt with my beliefs concerning a kid, but we got through it together, Tom and I.

This is one of the many reasons I love Tom so much. OK, I know I get on his nerves here and there, I’m not perfect, but for the most part, I can be myself and say whatever I need to and as often as I need to. We know I’d rather talk a lot or a little about a problem and deal with it, rather than keep it bottled up and go do something stupid.

As I told my folks, I know no parents are perfect, I’m not perfect and we’ve all done things in the past that we regret. I’m glad my mother has realized her mistakes and that she didn’t have to be just like her mother was. I hope she’ll be more positive towards others and easier to talk to and will talk more. Maybe if I send pictures, for example, she won’t just say that she got them. I hope she’d say something, even if it was to tell me she hated them. Also, maybe she’ll expand on the yes or no answers she gives me when I ask about her and Dad’s life.

Meanwhile, I’ll try to cut down the reps and not tell any more stupid lies like we need money for an abortion. I should’ve just told her flat out we were broke and needed money. Not made up a stupid lie. Tammy did say that she said I apologized for that lie and that I do tell them how much I appreciate them getting me out here. Oh yeah, I know when they’ve helped me and I’m grateful for that.

Hopefully, we’ll find a way to get along while we can all feel that we can still be ourselves and be accepted for who and what we are. I think I’ve got a damn good handle on what my faults and flaws are and am trying to better myself and not repeat any old mistakes I’ve made with myself or with anyone else. For the most part, I’m still happy with who and what I am and my husband and I are what counts the most. I can only go so far to please others, but my husband and I are a different story. I just hope that my family will not judge other family members so much by their past ways and that they won’t exaggerate or twist things people say or do as much. I always felt, and still do, that my sister and parents have a little obsession of their own and that’s that they seem to really want to hang onto that image of me being immature, a liar, and just a nutty wacky bitch. I don’t think they realize that I’ve mellowed out quite a bit over the years and that I’m really not that bad to know and live with. I may be unique in several ways, but at the same time I’m really just your average person and I can’t help what they don’t know or understand about me. Or don’t want to know or understand about me and I told them this. I also told them, that in the end, it’s up to them to believe and feel whatever it is they wish to and that I don’t think I should defend, explain or express myself too much if I can help it. I don’t think that’s something I should put myself through, I don’t owe them that and they don’t owe me anything either. Just basic respect is all.

Tammy admits we do joke about my split ends and stuff like that and that’s OK. Yeah, I told her God saved her from that catfish to hear about my split ends, although on the serious side, I’m sorry she went through such a scary ordeal.

Tammy mentioned seeing Marty and Ruth and that she wanted to know if I had their address to send them a thank you card for clothes they got the kids while they were there. Now I knew better. I didn’t mention it cuz I didn’t feel like getting into it and it’s my business, but I know she really wanted to see if I’d bring up my letter to them and I know she knows about it. If they gave the kids clothes while she was there, she could’ve thanked them in person.

Tom straightened up the back room quite a bit.

Evelyn gave me some more paper that I’m using for drafts.

I guess that covers everything for now. I’ll write more later and add anything I may have forgotten.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 17, 1996 I don’t feel too cool today. Instead of the cramps I expected to wake up with, I’ve got or recently had nausea, rapid heartbeat, gas (but am not constipated) and am a bit sluggish. I dunked myself in the pool and ate, so I’ll be feeling better soon.

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now and should be home in a few hours.

Later…

I spoke to Bill a couple of hours ago and they had a wonderful time, but he says the last few days were shitty. It rained like hell for the last 3 days, Bill doesn’t feel well, Lisa got bit by ants and Tammy got very sick by eating catfish. She was at the doctor’s when I called.

I called back and a little while ago and she said there’s no date set yet for surgery for her thyroid, but she’s busy unpacking, does need to talk to me, so call back at 6:30 their time.

Let me guess, it’s gonna be all about Mom and Dad. Well, I’m just gonna tell her they shouldn’t have dumped any problems they have with me on her, she shouldn’t get involved in our problems, cuz she’s got enough of her own and I just want to hear about their trip in general.

I asked Bill if ma drove them crazy. Naturally, she did. Bill says overall she was good, he knows her way is her way, but she was quite a nag to them all. He says he certainly wasn’t crazy about staying there and told her that.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 16, 1996 I can’t believe Tammy never called from Mom and Dad’s. Too bad they never sent us postcards. I can only imagine just how much Mom and Dad cried on Tammy’s shoulder all about how horrible I am.

Tom installed a really neat package of software yesterday. It has several schemes for appearance. In the control panel’s settings is where you change all your fonts and colors for different functions. There’s this 60s theme with a tie-dye wallpaper and a really cool screensaver built into it that swirls around whatever’s on the screen. Its main colors are a soft lilac purple with bright green highlighting.

So, I reset my colors, fonts, and sounds, but I’ll need Tom’s help to reset my icons.

Tom says that next door has been there and that his regular car, which has been a Jeep lately, has been there. The weekend will really show if there’ll be any change at all in their music volume.

When I went out to clip my mail up, a girl I’ve seen before was by the side of the house. She may be babysitting. Anyway, I said, “Hi” and she said, “Hi, how are you?” I said, “Good,” then came back in.

Also, I was wrong when I said Tom said I’d know the secret in a month. He really meant within a month. He better make all this waiting worth it. It better not turn out to be something stupid or that there never was a secret.

Later…

Shortly after Tom came home, we went to his mom’s house. No one was there. She’s still staying with Mary after having her hand operated on. Ma’s been feeling OK, but she hates wearing a cast. Who doesn’t? I should remember. And I wasn’t free to move my arm from the shoulder as there was no way I could. My arm was strapped to my body.

Tom spoke to her over the phone and he said he could hear a note of disappointment in her voice that she missed seeing me. I always enjoy seeing her. We were over there for about 3 hours, so if next door came booming in, we’ll never know. He edged and mowed the backyard and I vacuumed.

He says that yes, she did receive a card from my folks.

On the way back home, we stopped at a drive-through for KFC. The drive-through at the place he likes was mobbed, so we came home, ate, and went for a swim.

We screwed after swimming. Neither of us came during the fucking part, but I did once he ate me out.

I was surprised at what he said afterward, cuz it’s something he always said not to worry about and not to tell him back when he never came. He said, “I’m disappointed you didn’t cum while we were screwing. I think if you had cum, I’d have cum.”

Well, I think he’ll cum during the weekend, but I think it was just too late in the day for him. He’d gotten up early and had a long hard day of work. He’ll be at Evelyn’s (of course, as he now works 6 days a week), from about 7:30 AM - 2:30 PM, but I’ll be asleep during more of that. Hopefully, he’ll still have some life left in him after she gets through with him, though.

He says he plans on getting the sound blocks, the back room and patio done during the weekend. All in almost half a weekend? This I gotta see.

I also got all caught up on my sleep and slept the best I have all week, just like Tom said I would. In fact, I slept on and off for 14 hours.

I reminded him that we should screw more often and that once or twice during ovulation times wasn’t gonna do it, if he’s right about my being fertile. I understand and know, though, that a lot’s been going on. If things ever settle down and stay that way for a while, we’ll just have to wait and see how motivated he is and how important it is to him.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 15, 1996 Boy have we been cursed! God still isn’t done having a field day with me, that’s for sure. As I was going to bed yesterday at around 4 or 5 PM, the box fan that I sleep with in the bedroom burned out. So, Tom rescued me by buying another. All seemed fine then, and then I conked out only to wake up almost two hours later to this incredible banging. Naturally, I thought it was next door and told myself, well, here’s where Tom’s right about it getting worse, so just get used to it, cuz there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it. I couldn’t sleep through it, though, so I got up and found out it wasn’t them at all. We had a killer monsoon storm and Tom thought it was a tornado at first. It tossed another piece of the roof rafter into the pool, threw the garbage can over, ripped one of my flags off, and tossed around some equipment that he had at the side of the house.

Of course, it had to knock the power out for 3½ hours, too. During the power failure, I thought for sure they’d come flying out to jump into their van to get some AC and use this occasion as an excuse to pummel the bass right through these walls, but luckily for them, they never did, cuz I swear I’d have taken a hammer to them and their damn van. In fact, we haven’t heard a peep out of them for nearly 4 days now. This is too good to be true. What’s the catch? Well, I don’t think it’s a case of our request finally sinking through his young, ripe, thick skull, I think it’s a case of them not being home. They had to have taken off somewhere, cuz these aren’t the kinds of people that take others into consideration.

From about 11 PM to just after 4 AM, I slept but then woke up cuz I was wheezing. After I settled that down really quick and with his help, I tried going back to bed for a couple more hours, but couldn’t, so I’m a bit tired today. Nothing too bad, though.

I’m sitting here with my cat mug which I really love so much. I can’t wait for Andy to see my new cat/doggie mugs, journals, and stereo.

Tom says that I’ll know the secret in a month. Mid-September, he says. He said it’s really not that big of a deal and that I might be let down, but still happy enough about it. He says he thinks I’d be even happier about it if I knew what it was right away, but that due to my making a big deal out of it, it won’t seem as nice. Me? Make a big deal out of it? I think it was he who did that since he had to keep it a secret. Besides, if it’s not that big a deal, then why has he been so secretive about it? He swears it’s not a trip, we’re not moving and it’s got nothing to do with anyone else but us. He says it won’t be as exciting as it’d be if I found out I was pregnant. I’m sure it’s some stupid piddly-ass thing. It’s just this waiting game he likes to play to try to instill patience in me.

Well, rather than sit around and worry about what’s gonna wake me up in the next day or two, and when the next power failure will be, I think I will go try to nap out for a while.

Later…

This new lotion by Jergen that Tom got me is a miracle and a half. Most lotions are worthless, but this stuff’s great. After going swimming for a good half-hour, my skin still feels so soft and like I just lotioned up. It’s a real necessity in this dry climate, even though it hasn’t been too dry out here lately.

I hope Charlotte and Jim are at the beach. Andy sounded like he wasn’t too sure if they were there or not. He said one of their sons came over. I wonder if Andy will hear about the letter I sent to Char and Jim?

I think I figured out a couple of things about my parents. Well, you know how they were so worried when I knew Ron that if I had a kid, it’d come out as fucked up as I was physically and mentally? My parents and Charlotte and Jim have been great friends for eons, so if Jim and his son really have mental problems, as I’ve heard, maybe my folks have been looking at that as an example. Maybe they think that their son is screwed up cuz of Jim and assume that that’d be the case with me if I had had a kid. Also, according to my mother, she was guilty about the DES and ear of mine till I hit my teens. Tom and I were able to find out that the DES has nothing to do with my ear. He thinks that my ear’s due to ma smoking while she was pregnant with me. I disagree, or else Tammy and Larry would be fucked up, too, and I still think that’s all hype and just another way to get people to stop doing something that’s unhealthy. Well, if we could find out that my ear wasn’t related to the DES, didn’t ma know? Maybe Ma was just guilty about the ear and not the DES. If she was guilty about the DES, cuz of its higher cancer-causing risks and sterility risks, then maybe the reason why she stopped being guilty about the sterility part when I was in my teens, wasn’t just cuz she realized it wasn’t her fault, but also cuz by my teens, was supposedly when they were starting to see what a loser they thought I’d be forever, and therefore should never have kids, anyway.

If Tom’s little secret isn’t just a nothing thing, then maybe it is a trip or something else he said it wasn’t just to throw me off. He said it had nothing to do with sex, but maybe he will come out and tell me he did hold off on cumming till now. Who knows?

I put the monkey bar up just outside the back-room windows, hanging from the rafter beams, but so far, those dumb birds have ignored it.

I guess these journals of mine have gotten quite boring lately. Well, if Tom’s so sure that they’ll be read someday, either by him or this kid we’re supposed to have, then maybe I should write some pretty strange and wacky stuff, just to give that person their entertainment’s worth. That’s OK. There are quite enough events of all different kinds documented throughout all my journals.

Later…

I’m still really nervous about next door. Their quietness is still not right. It just doesn’t go with them. That bass is bound to be back and banging for sure. I’d say yes, they’re definitely on a trip or something.

At least the new fan sounds just about the same as the old one which Tom said was about 11 years old.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that I’d take those screaming M kids back anytime over such vibrating bass. The kids can be ear-piercing and obnoxious and give you headaches, but only if you’re in the midst of it. In the house, with the fans going and the sound blocks up, it’s fine, and they certainly can’t wake me up over the fan. It isn’t just them next door that I worry about, it’s their friends. When are they gonna come banging that bass in here and how often? How many parties and ball games will there be when this weather gets more bearable?

I wish I could say that their waking me up and the two power failures were compensation for something good to come, but I still feel like they were a curse and a possible punishment for Marty’s letter and card. I also sure as hell hope that they weren’t warnings of something worse to come, either. That’s all I’d need. That’s all either of us would need. We’ve had enough.

I’m trying to remember if I just sent Kim a letter, or if it’s time to send her one. I guess I will, and I’ll go get working on more of Larry’s envelopes as well as the two poster boards that are left.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14, 1996 I just decorated the front cover with some address label demos I cut out of a catalog.

Amazingly, neither Tom nor myself heard a peep out of next door yesterday.

Also amazingly, I have no water build-up, pre-cramps, or sore tits yet and I’m only 3 days away from my period.

I’ve been running around saying that I know we’re gonna have a kid, even though I know better. It’s just that the more positive I sound and the less I complain, the happier he is.

It still seems like he has an aw-let-‘em-do-what-they-want attitude about next door when I bitch about them.

Also, I hesitate still, to talk to him when I’m feeling sad or angry or frustrated, cuz then we usually end up feeling worse. Both of us do and I don’t want to send someone I love into a bad mood. Nor do I want a foul mood of mine to go from bad to worse.

I think I forgot to mention calling Andy at the beach on the 11th. He was there with Adam and says he was having a wonderful time. Surprisingly, he hadn’t heard about the power failure which I know had to be all over the news everywhere. AOL crashed about a week ago. Their whole network crashed worldwide. At that time, I had left Tammy 2 or 3 messages for when she returns from Florida, but who knows if she’ll ever get them? They’re back online, though, and all seems back in order.

Later…

Last night something on the AC broke, so he turned to the EC. This happened after I went to bed, so I was wondering why it was quite humid in here when I got up. Thank God for him, though, otherwise it’d be unbearable in here and it’d cost $150 or more to fix it if it weren’t his brains. His brains may steal our time, but at least they save us money.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 1996 Well, I absolutely don’t believe it. I didn’t hear them at all yesterday, but I’m still not gonna get my hopes up that it’ll stay this way. Tom says it’s 50/50 now in his opinion as to if they’ll stay quiet.

I got the whole house cleaned yesterday and today I did Larry’s envelope which will really be Jenny’s, of course.

Evie’s pregnant again and Ma’s having her hand operated on. I think they’re gonna do one hand at a time to relieve the pain of carpal tunnel syndrome so she can use her hands more.

Later…

On Sunday we went to the memorial service held at a small church. It was a quick 20-minute thing and then we went to a building adjacent to the church for refreshments.

People were shocked to see that Cindy, who doesn’t talk to anyone, come up to me and start chatting away. She usually just says hi, then walks away and she usually talks in such an official kind of voice, but this time she asked questions and kept the conversation going and she sounded much less official.

Today I’m gonna have more of a relaxing kind of day. I’m gonna do some artwork, read, sing, watch TV and write and make his dinner for later. I just hope to hell that worrying about next door will be a thing of the past, although I know that’s just wishful thinking. So far, though, after the blast-off during the power failure, all’s been OK. We’ll have to see how the next week or two goes to get a better idea of how things will be. Right now, I’m still counting on hearing it at least twice a day - more on weekends - and not being woken up here and there would be a surprise and a half to me. In fact, I still can’t believe they’ve only woken me up once or twice in the 5 months that they’ve been there. Anyway, I feel better than I have in the last 3 days and I hope it lasts. I hope the weekend is peaceful too, as I’ll be on the rag during the weekend.

Well, I think I’ve remembered to cover all that’s been going on over the last few days.

Oh, one more thing. Tom thinks that the reason why the stereo went off was cuz I accidentally hit the timer when I was resetting the clock after the power failure.

MONDAY, AUGUST 12, 1996 You’re not gonna believe this, but Social Security sent me a bill for $32 in my maiden name. I can’t believe they’d try to sucker money from me that we all know I don’t owe after being off it for two years. Tom says he’s gonna call them and see what the hell kind of stunt they’re trying to pull, but let me guess - since I’m not on it for them to harass me once or twice a year, they’re gonna harass me for bullshit money every two years now that I’m off it?

Right now I am a bundle of nerves. My thoughts are racing and my heart is pounding. This weekend was another shitty and good weekend, but things are gonna get steadily worse around here which I’ll get into after.

Saturday morning we went to Walmart and PetSmart. I got a blue floral 1-piece bathing suit which I’m not too thrilled about, but I’ll get used to it. Tom says he loves it, though, and that I look like a sexy woman in it.

I also got an electric pencil sharpener and 5 really cute and colorful journals that were just over $3 each. They’re a little smaller than most of my journals, but some of my journals are of very different sizes, anyway.

I also got 2 cat mugs and I love them. They’re so cute and they have so many cute cat mugs, so for now, I’ll lay off the doggie mug collection and collect kitty mugs. One has 3 little kittens outdoors and sitting in a basket. I love the detail of it as it has a nice blue sky, trees, grass, etc. I also have a close-up shot of a cat sticking its tongue out.

So on Saturday, I was beat and ready for bed at around 2 PM. Did next door wake me up? No, but they will. Instead, it was a power failure that hit 15 states all the way from Texas to Oregon. It woke me up cuz the sounds weren’t normal. The fan was off and I was hearing cars and trucks. It got quite hot in here and the power was off for about 5 hours. I had been beat, thanks to next door, so God picked a hell of timing to curse the western US! It had gotten so hot in here that I was out in the pool when the power came back on and you could hear people cheering. Why couldn’t this have happened in the winter and when I wasn’t backed up in my sleep?

I should’ve listened to Tom. Things are gonna get worse next door cuz everyone’s so determined to do the opposite of what they’re asked, no matter how nicely you ask them. They just had to jump in their van to use the AC and blast their fucking music intermittently for a good 20 minutes. The bass was deafening and nerve-wracking. It literally was like people were pounding frantically on the doors, walls, ceilings, windows, etc.

That I know of, they haven’t been too bad since, but I know now and am 100% sure that they’ll be waking me up regularly unless I’m asleep between 10 PM and 8 AM and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. They’ve won. They’ve got me. There’s just not a damn thing I can do about it legally or not. Tom won’t let me beat the shit out of them and like he said, they’ll just fuck with the house or something and I’ll land in jail if I beat them. Hell, they might even shoot us. These people are cold, sick assholes.

Then it hit me. I did pray to God during the 2½ years of our wacky sex life to give me a new ongoing issue for a change to have to deal with. Well, he did and this is it. This isn’t new, though. I’ve been woken up by neighbors for years now. I wish he’d think of something else. Anything but me being woken up.

I went over to the pig’s house across the street as a last resort, but no one was home. Was no one home cuz God knew they’d simmer down or was no one home cuz God knew he could and would help me and he didn’t want me helped? What is God trying to tell me? What does he want from me and why does he hate me so much?

I can’t believe that I live in a house and sleep with a loud box fan on, but am still woken up by other people’s noise! What the fuck?! Why?! Why?! Why?! What the fuck did I do? Is it cuz of my letter and postcard to Marty? What is it?! I haven’t caused any trouble. I haven’t made any prank calls, I haven’t done a damn thing to these assholes next door, so what is it? If there is a message in this, can’t God make it more obvious as to what it is since I’m obviously too stupid to figure it out for myself? I think I know, though. I still think it’s part of his general rule for me that I hear other people’s noise. Since I’m not in apartments and he can’t bring people to my ceiling, walls or whatever, he uses the bass which is just like pounding feet above me or on walls. This is sick! Ridiculous! I’ve had it! I’ve had enough! Can’t God just leave me the fuck alone? I can’t sleep at night every night, cuz God won’t let me no matter how hard I try, so now I’m gonna have to sleep in the back room when I’m up at night, huh? Is that what God wants? Does he want to drive me crazy all over again and send me back in time? Back to the NHA? Well, he’s doing a good job of it. Sure, it could be worse, it could be more frequent, but this is bad enough and I want it stopped! I can’t pray to God to help me cuz he not only refuses to listen or help me, but he goes and makes things worse. I find it quite a coincidence that they woke me up after I’d been praying a lot for him to simmer next door’s music down. The more I pray, the more trouble comes my way. Well, he doesn’t have to worry cuz I’ll never pray to him again and I’ll never ask anyone to pray for something for me. We don’t have a God in our lives. We have a Satan that people call God. At least that’s what I believe is my case.

This can’t be compensation for anything good to come, so what is it? A lifelong compensation for being able to sing? For being able to draw? For how I look? What is it and why? Am I truly punished for my ancestor’s sins?

Tom said they came and went twice yesterday quietly and that I can’t assume I know what the future holds, but I do know and even Tom said he was 99% sure things would get a lot worse. I’m not stupid. What was stupid of me was my prayers to God and my sending Tom over there. It’s not gonna be better, it’s not gonna be the same, it’s gonna be worse.

Later…

I’m gonna need to crash in a couple of hours or so and I’m so scared to. I know I’ll have to get up when next door says so. As soon as they come home, they’re gonna pump up that bass, and awake I’ll be. I can’t believe I’m in this predicament. I’m in a house, but my neighbors won’t let me sleep. What am I gonna do? Those stupid no-good fucks! How I want to pray to God. To call out to Robin. I know it’s no use, though. Between 3:30 and 8:30 I’ll have to get up. Then I’ll have to pretend to Tom that it’s no big deal, but I’ll get into that later. I’m just too tired now and have other things I need to get done. Maybe I’ll write some more after I’ve had the 2-4 hours of sleep God and next door will allow me today.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 10, 1996 Minnie left me a message yesterday saying that she hadn’t had time to write, so she thought she’d call instead.

I also finally got a hold of Kim, but I woke the poor girl up. I said that God would get me back and he did, all right, in an overkill kind of way 4 hours after I’d knocked off. It was also when next door went over the line as God used them to wake me up.

A half-hour later, Tom came home and I begged him to go over there and told him that I’d had it and I wasn’t gonna go through this again with getting up when neighbors said so. So, a few minutes later, the music started up again and he went over and told him that the bass goes right through the walls and the guy said something about working on the car. Then Tom asked that he turn it down when he comes in and out and Tom said he said, “Sure. No problem.” We’ll see, though. I hope Tom’s never been more wrong when he says he thinks things will get worse now. Of course, I’m hoping for the best, which I’m stupid to do with God’s obvious you-will-listen-to-other-people’s-noise rule, but I think they’re gonna be like the people that moved in next to me on Bell Road in the back of the complex. I’d tell them over and over again to turn their stereo down and they said they would, but never did. They didn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better and more than likely, that’s gonna be the case with next door.

Tom says he’s just a kid who can’t be over 22, and the trouble is that due to the fact that they rent, they have nothing to lose. Meaning that if I go over there with a blown fuse, they could vandalize the house, for example, with nothing to lose or fear. This rude, spoiled, and selfish little child couldn’t care less. How does the kid take naps?

If they shut up, I’ll bet that shortly after, they’ll move. That’s what happened with the M's. It seems that once I get a neighbor to shut up, they move and I’ve got to go through the same old shit all over again with new neighbors. If they do shut up and across the street is my swap-off from God, fine. I was able to go back to sleep from about 5 PM - 10 PM and Tom said that there was a party at the old music people’s house. No music, but lots of little kids. Well, fine. That’s not gonna shake the house and vibrate me awake and when the sound blocks are up, they’ll be muffled out to barely a sound.

For the millionth time, why does God hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this? I’ve paid my dues for all the people I woke up during my prank phone call days, so what’s the scoop? What does this mean? What does he want from me? Am I being cursed? Am I in for a whole new round of punishment or is this compensation for something good to come?

I hope my horoscope is right in a good kind of way when it said that change was coming and that I must be prepared to add new responsibilities to old ones.

Tom said that he didn’t hear anything after he talked to the guy and after I went back to bed, but that’s only cuz he never went back out or in. Tomorrow, now today, will be the real test. Even if I can hear it a little bit, that’d be fine. It’s when it rocks the house down that I’ve got a bone to pick.

Does it make me want a child less? A little, but lately I haven’t been wanting that as bad, anyhow. It seems that from about the time Tom started cumming, I’ve been less desperate for that. I’d still take it if it came, but I don’t think I’ll want to see a doctor once it’s proven to Tom that I’m sterile. Also, I’m not gonna bother worrying about how the hell I’ll sleep with a kid around, learn to take care of it properly or have to not smoke during pregnancy when I don’t have to worry about pregnancy in the first place. That’d be a stupid and useless waste of time going and worrying over shit that won’t happen and that I’ll never have to face and deal with. Believe me, I know. I’ve been there before.

You better damn well believe, though, that my trust in Robin isn’t less, but is completely gone. She told me they’d never wake me up. Yeah, right! If she, or whoever the hell this thing is, tries visiting me, go away, is all they’re gonna hear from me.

If I didn’t wake Kim up or pray to God for them to simmer down, I’ll bet this wouldn’t have happened. Who knows, though, since God just loves to stick neighbors on me, like I said for the last 5 years or so.

We haven’t been able to find the bird I pulled out of the pool, so hopefully that means it survived and flew away and isn’t dead in the bushes or something.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 9, 1996 Got up today at 7:30 PM and went out back to check out how stormy it was. It was very cloudy and windy. Then, I heard a noise splashing in the Jacuzzi and saw a dark movement out of the corner of my eye. One of my birds was hurt and drowning so I got him out with the net. Who knows how badly he’s hurt? He may either die or dry up and be able to fly away as good as new, but we’ll see tomorrow. I threw some seeds down and Tom went and got a little margarine bucket to put water in. I figured maybe a cat attacked it, but Tom guesses that it got hit by a car, then went to get a drink in the pool and fell in.

I asked Tom to please pray to God that it’ll be OK since God won’t listen to me. He said he would and he also told me that he does pray for a child. Really? I thought he told me he thought it was best to pray for something you need, not something you want. So God’s been ignoring him, too, huh? Well, like me, Tom’s a pretty good person. It may not be humbling of me to say this, but I wish more people in this world were like me and I certainly wish more people in this world were like Tom. I told Tom that when his dad first became ill, I prayed to God to make him better, but that didn’t work. Tom said that that was meant to be and already set into motion. So are my DES and sterility.

I told Tom that at least I know the reasons why I’m sterile, but he disagreed and said that there’s so much more to life and its reasoning than anyone could ever realize. True. I’m sure there are other reasons for my sterility that only God knows.

I saw some show on TV this morning where they were discussing God and one guy asked a question I’ve asked a thousand times. In a case of two innocent people being murdered and the person that did it going free, how can God do that? The host of this show said that God allows Satan some power for now and that for now, we’re allowed to do good or evil. Then, eventually God’s gonna put his foot down and say, “OK, you’ve set the rules so far, now I’m gonna lay down what rules I think people should live by and make the world how I want it.” Now I doubt that very much, otherwise he’d have done so all along. The host said that if God killed all murderers, people would look at him in fear and think of him as bad and not for love. Not me. I’d love him even more if he’d set people straight and wipe out violent people.

Then the guy said that people kill and do bad things, not God. Yes, this is true, but I still think God has a helping hand in a lot of it and I disagree with when he said we choose everything that pertains to us. I didn’t choose to be sterile. I didn’t choose for my parents to treat me the way they did as a child. I think people give God way, way more credit than he deserves and I think that people fail to realize that God’s evil, as well as good. Perhaps that’s cuz they don’t want to believe God’s got evil in him. I wonder, though. If people can believe in a God in which there’s no concrete proof of his existence, then why are people so afraid to believe in ghosts? In a way, they’re the same things; spirits.

I told Tom that Andy wants to read my journals really bad and he said to do what I want, but that there are a lot of nasty and untrue things about him written in there. True, and I’ve taken back all the shit I’ve said about him that he proved to me was wrong. I asked him why it’d be OK for a kid of ours, if we had one, to read them then. He said cuz the kid’s family. He also doesn’t know that Andy knows about our sex lives in full now. I’d rather Tom not know, if I can help it, cuz he’d be quite embarrassed I’m sure. Only I can know that he doesn’t have to and shouldn’t feel embarrassed, just like I shouldn’t have for the two years I kept the secret from Andy. Also, I know Tom couldn’t help it if he felt embarrassed or whatever else he may feel. So the only way he could know that Andy knows is if he bugged the phones or read my computer version journals.

I think I’m gonna tell Andy that I told Tom how interested he is in reading them, but that Tom would be very embarrassed about it and so would I. That means with him, a kid, or anyone else I know and really care about who could read them. Some stranger or person I didn’t care that much about, would be a different story. There are only 3 people that I’d let read them and that’s Nervous (if he were alive) and Fran and Bob. Not cuz they’re strangers and not cuz I never cared about them at all, naturally, but cuz they’re different. Nervous, if I’m remembering correctly, did read the first 6-9 journals back in Springfield. Anyway, if I ever did let Andy read them, we’d not tell Tom about it cuz it’d be best that way. What Tom didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him and as Tom said, no one tells their lover/spouse every single thing every single minute of the day.

I guess that fuckface next door does have a degree of respect and consideration after all. I heard him leave at 8:15 this morning without a sound. Not one note of music. We haven’t heard them at all today, but I’m sure he came blasting in before I got up and before Tom got home which was around the same time.

I spoke to Andy right before he left. He’s been flying 45 minutes now and will be in CT at 6:30 AM here which will be 9:30 AM there.

Later…

Tom brought home some white poster boards today. There are 5 pieces that are about 14” x 11”. I did one up with a floral design that I’m quite pleased with. I’ll probably do large lilies, large carnations, Snoopy at the beach with a palm tree behind him, and then that floral frame design. I’m not gonna have so many frames, though. I’ll have about 9 instead of 14-16 and the vases of flowers will be bigger.

Well, I think I’m gonna go do the second out of the 5 poster boards which will be floral frames.

Later…

Well, I just got part of the frames done, but now I have to wait till it dries up so I don’t smudge anything. That may take a while, too, as this poster board has a slick surface that doesn’t soak the marker up as easily. Especially water-based markers. I hope the cooler doesn’t make it run once we have that on again.

Next time around, I’d like to get a poster board that’s even bigger than this. I’d love to do some for my family and for Kim (Bob couldn’t have this and he’s not worth the time and effort), but how the hell would I mail it there? To fold them up would put horrible-looking creases in them. I could do one for Andy since he lives here.

It’s just so much fun to do, though, and watch my different creations slowly come to life. I still have to do Larry’s envelopes up, too. I think it may be dry enough now that I can finish putting the rest of the frames on.

Later…

I’m working on my outlining of the different vases and flowers, but I’m pissed cuz some parts of the frame smudged. I may color in the backgrounds of the frames when I’m done, but that would be awfully hard to do having to fill around so much detail. I have a very steady hand, which is necessary to be an artist, but that steady? I don’t know. I’d be afraid of running into the designs.

Tammy got to Mom and Dad’s yesterday. I wonder what kind of time she’s been having. No postcards yet. I’m surprised she hasn’t called from there, but we’ll see. I still wouldn’t be shocked if she did. Then I’ll bet mom or dad will jump on the phone figuring I won’t bother to hang up on them cuz I’d want to talk to Tammy.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 8, 1996 I just talked to Andy again for the second time tonight. He really didn’t have anything new to tell me, but I’ll talk to him one last time tomorrow before he leaves. Then, I’ll call him once during the 11th and 14th at the beach.

I forgot to mention something else he told me last night. He said he had a very vague and fragmented memory of something at the beach. As most of us know, I was a little terror back then, terrorizing other girls and boys for no reason at all. Well, there was this family at the beach, the T's. They had 5 kids and the 2 youngest girls were twins. Andy said he has a fragmented memory of Mrs. T and my mother in conflict about me bothering the twins and that my mother defended me.

That part of it can’t be right. Yes, lots of people went to my mom due to problems they had with me, but my mother would never defend me on something I didn’t do, let alone something I really did do.

Shit! I started to smoke cigarettes without punching the pack first. I’ve got to get on Tom about punching them sooner and not leaving it to me since my hands are the weakest part of me.

Andy says he really wants to read my journals. I told him, though, that if I ever let him read them, he’d have to read the typed versions and most of the print is small, otherwise it’d take thousands of pages to print it all out. I’ve only got up to 100 printed out, though. Some of the print is light, too, as we couldn’t always just afford to go buy ribbons the second they died. On a scale of 1-10, a 10 is how bad he wants to read them. He said he’s tired of reading other people’s books and wants to read mine. He said it’s my decision, of course, but that I’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about, but I am cuz I was so stupid and naïve and such a shitty writer.

He said that nothing I wrote could be as embarrassing as my seeing him beating off at the beginning of his videotape for a few seconds. He once rented a camcorder for several purposes. Along the way, he decided to tape himself jerking off to see what he looked like (Why? Who the hell knows?). And as a tape stretches out, you can’t record over the first few seconds. He gave me some tapes to record his soaps a couple of years ago when he either went away or when his VCR or TV fucked up. Well, it didn’t bother me. I mean, I saw it, I know sexuality is human nature and that’s it.

Anyway, Andy said if I thought my journals were that stupid, I’d have thrown them away, but no I wouldn’t. I never thought a single soul would ever read them. I’ll have to think about it, though. To be honest, I’ve got so many thousands and thousands of pages I’ve written in the last 9 years, that it’s hard for me to remember a lot of it. Not the little stuff, anyway.

I’m still really, really nervous about this weekend, though. I know I’ll be sleeping through a lot of it, but what are they gonna do? Just what kind of shit are they gonna pull? Fuck Robin, should she come tell me they’ll be fine. Then again, she’s told me that several times and been right and has only been wrong twice out of the several times she’s told me not to worry.

Later…

I typed Larry up a letter and have gone through the envelopes I drew up for Tom for his birthday and picked out ones I want to do for letters I send Larry. Jenny gets the envelopes, as I’ve said before. I hope Jenny’s serious about sending me a letter and some drawings.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7, 1996 Tom reminded me that I’ve got $60 and not $50, cuz $10 of it was from vacuuming Ma’s place. I might not spend all of it and get him a little treat of some kind. Especially what with how much I appreciate his putting the sound blocks on, which cost $50 that next door should pay. It’s not really just next door, though, cuz who knows what other street noise will go on around here and if they move before we do, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, who knows what’s coming in there next.

I really love the faster computer. The capping system just breezes through and most things are just so much faster.

Anyway, Andy and I chatted about all kinds of things. He said there’s some repulsive coke whore in his neighborhood and that he’s hurt over Quinn and more hurt that Quinn couldn’t care less that Andy told him he didn’t want a thing to do with him for at least 6 months. I told Andy he doesn’t need this abusive loser, but due to Andy’s love for him, it hurts and I guess I can understand that. Tom and I still love each other, even when we say things to each other that aren’t too nice.

He also told me a couple of things that neither of us knew that go back to between 1972 and 1974. When Tammy was about 16, she used to flirt like hell around Marla’s first husband. That I can believe. Tammy was never a slut, but she always did go for older men.

Also, Charlotte has 3 kids, Shelly, Steve and Scott. Well, he’s heard that Steve, who’s always had mental problems, is now a bum on the streets of Connecticut. I didn’t know that or that he had problems, but back in those times I was not very perceptive or aware of shit going on around me. I had too many problems of my own with my folks to be too observant. Also, Andy’s older.

Andy also got quite a shock today. He accidentally met Karson with someone else he knows at a store. He said yes, she’s fat, ugly and nerdy looking and has a plain face, but isn’t as bad looking as he’d pictured her to be. He said she’s left him two messages in the last month or so that came in while he was on the phone that said she was there to haunt him, but he never called her back and has no intention of doing so either. Fortunately, she hasn’t called here.

Andy said he might break his rule and suck a married guy’s dick, but the guy says he won’t reciprocate. Then again, maybe not, cuz the guy got cold feet, I think.

Andy says he’s rather glad that he lost two days of his vacation, cuz now he doesn’t feel like he has to rush to do his packing, laundry, etc. He said it took away from his Springfield time, not his beach time. On the 11th, maybe a day or two before, he’ll leave for the beach, but he’ll probably only be at his parents' condo in Springfield for about 24 hours. Then he’ll be at the beach for the remainder of the time. From the 11th to the 14th is when he told me to pick a time to call, cuz that’s when he’ll be there alone with his pal Adam. He said to call when it’s nighttime there, cuz he intends to keep the same schedule during his stay there. He said he’ll probably sleep from 6 AM to 2 PM. After the 14th, his brother and his wife and their twins will be there.

He said he’ll say hi to Char for me. He says he’s gotten to be a lot like me where he doesn’t care what others think. He said he’s gonna not give a shit who thinks what if they see him going into Charlotte and Jim’s cottage.

I know Tammy won’t go to the beach cuz it’s bad for Bill and cuz she hates those stuck-up snobs, but I’m surprised she doesn’t see Charlotte somewhere. Doesn’t Charlotte ever go to her house?

You know, I think I may send Charlotte a letter to say hi. I haven’t done so in ages.

Later…

I did that floral frame design with different plants and flowers with lots of detail and color for Charlotte & Jim’s letter. I sure am getting faster at doing these things.

Tom’s up now and he fixed the printer, so I printed out Charlotte & Jim’s letter, Kim’s letter, and this draft which will be Bob’s when I’m done with it.

I saw Funny Toes again the other day and that yellow thing was in his chest, so who knows what the hell that’s all about? He wasn’t limping, though, so that’s good.

Tom and I decided not to send any of my songs for that contest, cuz we checked into it and that guy’s a definite scammer. He wants to steal lines for plaques, mugs and shit like that. I disagree, but Tom says he does think my songs are good enough to steal. He wants to put music with them someday, so that’s why it’s more important to him that they don’t get stolen.

Later…

Well, this is the latest scoop on the preliminary test of the sound blocks, which aren’t framed and sealed yet.

The bass is probably only gonna be muted slightly, due to the fact that bass penetrates walls. They blasted off twice today which is more typical than 10 times a day. Once, Tom heard it while I was still asleep and it didn’t wake me, so that’s all well and good. They also came and went about two other times silently.

Tom and I were in the living room when they played ball for a few minutes and that was way softer, so that part of it seems promising. Tom loves how it’s already made a tremendous difference as far as cooling goes.

When I asked why Tom thought they sometimes leave quietly and sometimes not, he says he thinks he’s probably got the radio on and when he hears a song he likes, he blares it.

Oh, I figured he’d be playing CDs. Well, I asked Tom, in a joking yet serious way, “Since God hates me, why don’t you pray to him and ask him to make sure that a song he hates is on when he’s coming or going?”

I still think they’re probably from Chicago or someplace with 4 seasons like I am and are dying to take their shit outdoors more often when the weather cools down.

He still says, though, that once the blocks are sealed in, I will have no problem tolerating their shit. Well, let’s hope so, otherwise somebody’s got to set them straight and put them in their place. This weekend we’ll be sealing them in, but if we have to shut them up ourselves, we will. It’s been totally useless praying to God to simmer them down. I’ve tried twice and God’s never answered my prayers as far as other neighbors’ noise, so why should he start now? This is definitely something he wants to be a big part of my life and has since the NHA. If I think about it, it kind of started in 1990 when I came off the Navane. Or was that ‘89? Well, the good in it is, is that it’s usually about two minutes of bass a day and not about 16 hours worth of constant shit from several different sources and several different sounds. It’s not constant kids, constant dogs, constant music or constant banging. I just don’t understand, though, why they can’t just be quiet like normal human beings. Normal people don’t make it a point to play their music for others and they don’t go bouncing basketballs in their driveways for hours at a time either.

Good news on the house. They’re calling it even so we are current on the payments. We were behind 3 payments and now we’ve got 13 years left on the house, plus 3 months, so that’s great. Tom said he certainly can’t promise anything, but he feels that it’d be possible for us to move after the New Year, whether I’m pregnant or not. No way. I really think it’ll be years before we move and God knows how many more families will be next door while we’re still here.

I’ll be giving Andy a call sometime tonight, who leaves for the airport at 10 PM tomorrow.

Tammy and the others will be at our parents' place tomorrow. Lucky her, huh?

Well, I’m gonna go jot down a quick grocery list, then play a computer game, then I’ll return.

Later…

I was just playing Jezzball on the computer. I’ve yet to get past level 11, but I got the closest I’ve ever come to doing so just now. That’s a game where it starts off with two balls and goes up from there. What you have to do is section them off. Something like that, anyway, where you have to clear 75% of the window they’re in without hitting them.

Now I’m wondering what the hell’s up with Kim. She mentioned something about female problems, and I’ve left her a message or two and haven’t heard from her. Although she could very well have tried to contact me while I was asleep. She doesn’t always leave messages.

Now I’m gonna go give Andy a buzz and see what’s up with him.

Later…

No answer. I left him a message, so if he wants to call, he will.

Tom’s still completely sure I’ll be pregnant in a month. How? A DES daughter at 30 years old, huh? Once again, does he know something I don’t? Do I think he really did hold back and planned all along not to cum till now? It’s possible, but if he hasn’t admitted this by now, he never will and that’s OK. Well, it is and it isn’t OK. I mean, he should’ve told me from the get-go if that was truly the case, but now that he’s cumming and that 2½ of one-sided sex is over, it’s OK. I can deal with it now. Some things are like that. When he told me after we were married for a while that he thought I’d be a lousy wife, but loved me as I was, it didn’t hurt me. I found it rather amusing, but if he’d told me that when we were getting married, I’d have wondered.

Wow. I actually got chilly and I’m in the back room where there are no sound blocks. So I turned the AC from high to medium and turned the ceiling fan off.

Larry called earlier and he was dog tired. He talked to Tom and gave him his condolences. He started to say it was 40º when we knew it wasn’t just so he could hear me laugh. Then, I told him a joke on a bumper sticker I saw that says: Wanna get laid? Then crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 6, 1996 Dear Marty,

I am so so sorry for falsely accusing you of that message. I received a call today, from someone whose name I won’t mention that apologized for accusing me of calling them. They now know who was harassing them. We ended up having a decent conversation and as I listened to this person, I could tell it wasn’t you, but it sure does sound almost exactly like you! I informed this person that I’ve got too much of a record to keep doing stuff like that, am too busy, and have respect for my husband, as well as myself. Well, once again, I am so very sorry! Take care.

Jodi Lin

That which I just wrote, was my postcard to Marty, which I forgot to write in.

I’m pissed off cuz Tom said he’d have the printer working right again, after installing some new shit, but it doesn’t. Now I have to wait till morning, but I’ll live. I have a letter to Kim ready to print out and this draft will be part of Bob’s letter.

Got several things to update on. First of all, Tom got acoustic stuff for the living room and music room windows. It’s resting in the windows now, but there’s no frame yet and it’s not sealed up yet. Right now, we’re testing how well it works. So far, so good, but I don’t know if that’s cuz things have been quiet or cuz they really do work well. I didn’t get up till 4 PM today, so I think I was asleep when the dick wad next door left and returned from work (we think he’s a car dealer). Time will tell, though, how well they work, but I like its other functions. It’s dark and peaceful for listening to music in the daytime and I don’t have to deal with next door’s fucking security light blaring on constantly at night. It’ll also cut down our cooling/heating bills and retain cool air and the heat better.

If a problem with next door still persists or if they get worse and to the point where they’re intolerable, Tom will go over there and talk to them. Whether or not that will do any good, who knows?

At first I thought of telling them I’d babysit at least part-time for free if they’d cut the music or do something for them, but then Tom pointed out that I’m making a reasonable request and you don’t reward people for doing what’s right in the first place.

True. What the fuck do I owe them anyway? I don’t owe them shit and like I said before, I was here first. Anyway, I do intend for the problem to be over as of yesterday. I still don’t know if it’ll be over due to the sound blocks, Tom talking to them, me kicking the shit out them or what, but it’s over, cuz I’m setting the rules here and one of them is that their music is gonna be for their ears only whether they like it or not. What I say about that is how it’s gonna be.

Enough about these freeloaders and on to other stuff.

Andy and I talked earlier and he won’t be leaving till the 8th at 10 PM, cuz Marla sent the tickets out late.

He was telling me that Marla’s still pissed off at Charlotte and my mother for what happened with her mother, but mostly at Charlotte. Someone suggested to Charlotte that she go and try to resume her friendship with Judy. Judy overheard that from someone, then Charlotte overheard that Judy said she probably would resume the friendship if Charlotte apologizes to her for the shit that went down 20 years ago. Charlotte then said that she had nothing to apologize for and that’s what gets Marla. Andy tried to tell Marla to forget the past and let it go and not wish Charlotte to drop dead as she has been.

Andy’s got a point about letting the past rest, but at the same time, I know how hard that can be at times. In the case of Marty, is where I can relate to that. I tried to tell myself, “Forget about it. You know what you did wrong in the past and what he did wrong in the past. You know he couldn’t beat you now, let alone scare you, so drop it.” But that’s obviously been hard to do, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent the letter and the card just so I could let him know I could take him in a fight nowadays. Between Bonnie and Barbara from Woodside Terrace and Norwich, they were the final straw to making me how I am now. I refuse to take shit from anyone.

Years ago, if I had heard Joely next door say something threatening about me from our yards, for example, I’d have kept my mouth shut and if I saw her I’d act like I knew nothing about it. Not now, though. Uh-uh. I’d now say, “I heard that! Why don’t you meet at my front door and we’ll discuss it face to face!” And if she didn’t come to my door, I’d probably go to hers. No one’s gonna threaten, push, or slap me ever again and get away with it. I refuse to stand there like a scared wimp and take it. I shall stand my ground, no matter how much tougher the other person is.

That drunk, Hank, from Oswego Street was also lucky I wasn’t like I am today, although we did end up friendly. I know that they say that fighting one who fights you is lowering yourself to their level, but I see it as defending yourself and keeping them off your case. If I didn’t turn around and say, "Hey, wait a minute Bonnie. I ain’t running from you," she’d have kept picking at me for sure.

No, I do not like violence, but I promise to take care of anyone else who fucks with me, my husband or our stuff within normal reason. I’m gonna show them that surprises do come in small packages, even though it’s been a long time since there’s been a need to, and even though I hope I’ll never have to.

Andy was telling me how he’s been discussing with his family how he and his family have come to realize I’m not what all those rumors said I was. I told Andy that was nice of him, but not to worry. People are gonna believe what they want and they can do that if they wish to. Also, I really have too much of a label on me that can’t wash off of everyone. Besides, it doesn’t matter. The labels put on me by my mother can no longer harm me in any way. There’s nothing Judy or Aunt Ruth could do to me if they still thought I was crazy except to ignore me.

Andy and those he’s told are appalled that my mother could spread bad or personal stuff around about me and not let me talk about what interests me. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I’m used to it and that’s how she’s always gonna be. My mother’s attitude may have changed a little about me since I came here, but she’s still mostly the same old Dureen. Tammy’s like that, too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 5, 1996 I didn’t get the chance to write about the weekend which was both wonderful and shitty. Let me get the shitty things out of the way and save the best for last. I already wrote about one of the shitty things which was how alone I felt on Saturday, but yes, I was compensated for that and I’ll get into that after.

The other shitty thing was next door and of course, my trust in Robin has been shot. I just can’t trust her at all when it comes to next door cuz what she says is either hit or miss. She was wrong for the second time about next door and of course, praying to God only made things worse.

They usually come blasting in and out once or twice a day next door, but this time it was about 10 times. Even the two friends they had visiting blasted their way in and out. The friends were there for about an hour or two and I think it was cuz of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. Of course, they spent that hour or two outside talking as loud as kids do, huddled right against the block wall on our side. Their kitchen is right there, so that’s why.

Since there are positives and negatives to everything, I will say this. Robin’s been mostly right about them next door, but when she says don’t worry about the winter and that this winter will be the quietest one ever and that I’ll only hear them occasionally and that they won’t blast their music more than they do and that yesterday’s 10- time blast-out was a rare thing, I don’t buy it. I know they’re just itching for the weather to cool down and dry up so they can have more parties, play ball, etc. Tom says that he thinks they rent that house which brings me to the good in them being there. If they leave like Robin says they might (she doesn’t know for sure) around the New Year, we may get it worse with whoever moves in there. Screaming kids that are home all the time, dogs and who knows how much company. At least so far, they don’t have too much company or ball games, they don’t have any dogs and the music, however obnoxious, if only for a minute or two at a time.

Maybe this house is owned by an agent of some kind, cuz this house turns over so much. This is the third family that’s been over there since 1993 and there’s been for sale signs, but never sold signs. If this is true, then that house will turn over at least 5 or more times before we move. That’s also something God would do to me; put me through the stress of wondering who we’re getting over there next several times. It’s hopeless as far as getting some older, quieter people with little company and no kids or dogs. God’s just gotta sic something on me. Besides, if this house became dead quiet, he’d just make sure some other house started up with some kind of shit. Yes, it’s quiet 97% of the time around here, but you have no idea just how much the NHA has really scarred me. I’m scarred for life, no matter how much I try to change, adapt or go back to my old ways. Now I have no tolerance left in me, whereas in the past, I could deal with this just fine. There was that train that used to go by my place in Deerfield and vibrate the whole place, even the waterbed, yet it didn’t bother me, I slept through it fine, and it was more than once or twice a day and for longer than a minute or two. I wish I could go back to my old ways as far as that goes, but I’ve never been able to since the NHA. When I hear noise around here, it just totally brings back the whole feeling and atmosphere of the tension and anger I felt at the NHA.

I wish I were 100% deaf or were like Tom. He agrees they’re rude, inconsiderate, and selfish, but it’s no big deal to him. He could tolerate it if it were noisy around here 97% of the time. I wish I were like Goldie and Al too, who hated Sun City cuz they’d never hear a sound outside or see people.

If there are two places I wish I could never have been to, it’d be Valleyhead and the NHA. Better yet, I wish I could go back to never remembering a damn thing in my life before I moved here and keep it that way. The brain is a powerful thing and I tried to manipulate it, but I just can’t change or control my thoughts or feelings. That’d be like making all straight people attracted to the same sex and vice versa. Or making myself hate foods and colors I like and vice versa. The mind just can’t be fooled or changed so easily.

A good 90% of the population is like them next door. They only give a damn about themselves and to turn a stereo down a minute before pulling in is just so damn hard to do and just too damn much to be asked of. The motherfuckers! I wanted to go over there last night so bad and set them straight and let them know that I refuse to have my house invaded and intruded upon with their music, but Tom talked me out of it and insists we can get sound blocks ASAP for the music room and living room windows. Thank God I have such a helpful, supportive, and understanding husband. I mean, can’t they ever come and go unannounced? There were a couple of times when I was in the music room and I did hear someone leave quietly, but why is it that half the time they come and go they do it loudly and other times it’s audible, but not obnoxious? If they have to let me know when they’re leaving or when they’re home, can’t they at least not always have it so loud?

I hate this world and I hate people and I have no regrets about not having so many friends. One best friend here and a couple of others I keep in touch with that are far off works great.

I know it’s wrong for me to say this, cuz I do know there’s good and bad in every kind, but I’m starting to look down on blacks again. I’m sick of their loud bassy music and they’re the rulers of drugs, gangs and crime in this country and last I heard, 25% of them are in jail. I have known wonderful black people, but this is the lowest kind of them there is and due to the fact that so many end up in jail, especially young ones, I hope to hell this guy does time or permanently breaks up with Joely. Most parents are so screwed up, though, that if he left or got carted off to jail, she’ll just be desperate to seek out a new rap-blasting, rude, selfish, obnoxious, loud-mouthed, inconsiderate, spoiled ass of a boyfriend.

Tom also suggested keeping a log of how often they blast off, and we’re doing so, but I don’t see what good that’d do. I told Tom that maybe he should go have a word with them since it did me no good and since as he said himself, he’s the kind of guy who gets along with everyone and his whole demeanor has a persuasive way that’s even more influential than mine. Tom disagrees and says that due to their age, they’ll just be defiant, defensive and rebellious and make things worse. I thought about asking the piggy across the street to have a word with them, but I’m not intimidated by authority figures, so why should they be? If I’m not, people like that most definitely wouldn’t be.

He said we’ll first try out the sound blocks and see whatever other shit they may pull on us, before taking any action of whatever kind. The sound blocks won’t completely muffle it out, but hopefully it’ll cut the bulk of it down. I know that there’s a huge difference between the two bedrooms and they’re in the same location. If it weren’t for the fan and the sound blocks in the bedroom, I’d never get any sleep around here. Not unless I slept at night all the time, but not even then, cuz of the damn two dogs next to them. If I were on the Navane I used to be on, that’d be different, but I’m not going through the shit I went through with getting physically and mentally addicted to drugs again. Well, hopefully the sound blocks will do a good job and God will compensate me with a kid, but I doubt that one. I wish I knew why he was doing this to me. I never did anything to these people.

They’re lucky I’m not Tammy as she’d have brought them to their knees months ago. Well, if I ever end up going over there it’ll be cuz my fuse has blown and cuz I’m so fed up, but I hope that’ll never have to happen. I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that any mail of theirs I get over here is going right in the garbage.

OK, now that I’m done bitching about what pisses me off, I’ll get to the good news. After Tom returned from Evelyn’s we went to Best Buy where I got a fanfuckingtastic stereo! Technically it’s a boom box and it’s small and lightweight, but it sure is powerful. Not quite as powerful as the other one, but I was using 4 speakers before, which I might be able to do again. With the headphones, it’s fine. It’s got 3 CD trays, dual cassette, radio, with 2 detachable speakers and more features than I could ever use. It’s got a remote, a clock, timer set, pre-set radio stations and more. What I don’t like about it is that the CD scanner is slow and the tapes don’t have auto-reverse or a way to scan through tapes. Also, the headphone jack is on top of it, which is a weird place for it. Other than that I love the new stereo and it was just under $200. As a bonus, you got $40 worth of free CDs just for buying any JVC product. So, I got a total of 5 Linda CDs. The most I’ve ever gotten in one shot and now I’ve got the bulk of her stuff on CD. I got her new one and at first I thought I’d hate it. She doesn’t sing her usual vibrant and loud self. She’s singing in a breathy falsetto voice throughout the whole thing and there are no upbeat songs. So far, just like with Gloria’s new CD, there are only two songs I like on it.

I also got a new CD rack that holds 120 CDs and I have 119 CDs. I gave Tom the old one I had in there which holds about 60, to use for his computer CDs.

I saw Gloria last night at the closing ceremonies and was surprised she lip-synced the song Reach. She sang bits and pieces of about 5 other hits of hers live. She looked unusually good for having a kid barely two years ago, but with the way she can afford good clothing, I’m sure she looks disgusting naked or in a bathing suit. The rich can also do cosmetic surgery. She had a hairpiece on which was a good 2 or 3 shades lighter than her own hair. Her face looked good and she sang well, but the sound system was a bit muffled. It’s hard to get good sound outdoors in such a huge place with so many thousands of people.

Got a letter from Bob and finally, he said something that made me crack up. “I love you like I gave birth to you, my beloved daughter.”

That’d be pretty neat, that a guy could give birth! Kim will get a kick out of it when I tell her.

Yesterday Tom got computer parts to make the two computers faster, so that’s nice to have

I have $50 bucks of my money left. I offered it for Tom to use for the sound blocks, but he said no, that was OK, and I told him that if I could type anything up for him or whatever, to let me know. With my $50, I’ll probably get a bathing suit and maybe a cat/kitty mug, which Tom says they have at PetSmart. I might get a journal and a few other small things.

This weekend we didn’t get around to doing the back room, which is kind of cluttered again (what else is new!). But in the next 2-3 weeks, the back room, patio, roof, rafters, and sound blocks should be up.

More good news for this weekend and that was that yesterday Tom got off. I could tell for sure, but more in the way of how he throbbed than in the way he juiced. Robin was right again, saying that’d happen, but like I said, I don’t buy her I’ll-be-pregnant thing as well as that she and God will do all they can to simmer next door’s music down. If I’m remembering right, she was wrong about things she told me twice and they were both about next door, so I don’t want to hear from her about them. Oh, she also says that if they move, the new neighbors would be no worse than them. Right! These are still basically good neighbors compared to two houses down and the M's when they first got here, so I doubt that cuz most neighbors are quite noisy.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 4, 1996 Boy, was I wrong about Tom! And boy was I wrong about the rest of the weekend, but I’ll write up on it in a sec.

Tom’s home now with groceries, actually, so I’ll return in a few.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3, 1996 Yesterday I tried calling Larry to wish him a happy birthday, but Jen was home alone again. Jen says Larry’s gonna be calling soon and that she’ll wish Larry a happy birthday for me. He was out getting his permit. Also, Jen says she’s working on a letter for me and some horse drawings.

Tammy called about an hour ago to say goodbye. They’re leaving tomorrow at 4 AM. She’ll be at Mom and Dad’s on Thursday.

Tom’s gonna be just as envious of Tammy as I am. She got an inkjet printer for only $99. The first 35 people into Staples got that, but she had to wait in line for two hours. The cartridges for those things are expensive, but a friend of hers gives them to her for free. We can’t wait to have an inkjet printer and a Stylus printer.

As figured, Tom’s at Evelyn’s now and I’m sure he won’t be back till the evening. Especially since I’m mid-cycle and since old suspicions are returning. Ever since he came he’s been wanting sex less and less and when there has been an opportunity for it, he’s back to making excuses.

Why, Tom? I cannot get pregnant. You have nothing to fear.

The other day we were discussing taking stuff for labor pains and to numb the crotch area. Tom says why not take advantage of modern medicine and whatever they have to make things more comfortable? Yeah, well, I’ll leave that for women who can and will have kids to decide.

I’ve been so fucking bored today. Once again, I feel like our time together and sex is at the bottom of Tom’s list. Will God compensate me with us spending time together later and with mutual sex where we both get off?

In my dreams, he will!

I wish I had some poster board right now. I’d like to try some large-scale drawings.

Later…

My bored self is watching TV now.

I forgot to mention earlier that Robin popped in on me last night to tell me the same old bull on how I’ll be pregnant in either August, September, or October, won’t have a miscarriage, won’t need a C-section, and that we will survive and have no regrets. She also told me the doctor will make sure I understand all my options for when I have it and that I won’t regret whatever method I choose.

Lastly, she told me Tom will cum this weekend for sure and I’ll certainly know it.

No way! Just as I feared, Tom’s cumming was a rare occasion, but after another two years goes by again, maybe he’ll cum again and do that at least every other year. Yes, I know Tom’s surprised me before and proved me wrong, but 80% of my gut feelings are still accurate. It’d take a million miracles for him to get off this weekend or anytime soon. Then it’d take another million years for me to conceive.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2, 1996 I haven’t had too much time to write, so by now I’m sure I’ve forgotten things.

Goldie & Al’s and Boo & Max’s envelopes went out today, so they should have them no later than Wednesday. Marty’s card went out today, too.

This is really super weird, but after Robin supposedly “helped out” the bird, I saw the yellow thing in him again. Robin said something about God undoing some things she does. You mean God would undo helping a hurt bird?! This just goes to show, once again, how warped God can be.

However, this morning it was gone again. And once more, I could see the hole the thing left and it was still limping. I know this had to be the same bird throughout all this, cuz this was Funny Toes. The only bird with a birth defect. Instead of having 3 front toes and 1 back toe on each foot, one’s got 4 front toes, and 2 of them are stuck together. Pretty weird, huh?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1, 1996 Before I get going on Goldie & Al’s and Boo & Max’s envelopes, I’ll just quickly update stuff.

I guess I misunderstood Tom about a few things. I thought that about $200,000 or $300,000 was to be split 5 ways, but he was really talking about 1 of their 5 or 6 different accounts. Ma’s got about $100,000, plus she’ll be getting about $850 a month which will be more than she needs, and the house is all paid for. It was Dad’s checking account that got split between the 5 kids, so we got $5,000.

We sat down and discussed which bills were the most important to get paid and how much extra we wanted to spend on him, me and us. So, we paid the most important bills, set money aside for the roof and my teeth and then we’re taking a total of $750 for whatever we want or need, but mostly what we want.

I told Tom that that’s his money and to be sure it’s OK for me to spend any on fun stuff like a new CD player, CDs, a CD rack, etc.

I also misunderstood him when I thought he’d said that it was OK to hurt someone just to deal with something. What he really meant was…try not to hurt someone, of course, but to also understand that one of us may say something to the other that we truly feel that may hurt the other, but that it’s not intentional.

We also agree that we may both believe the same things and we may not. For example, we both agree we have bills to pay, so we sat down and decided what should be paid ASAP. On the other hand, he believes we’ll have a kid and I don’t, so if he’s right, we’ll go along with whatever plans he may have in mind to best support it and work things out. If I’m right, then we’ll probably move sooner and take a different course of plans in life or at least do them sooner.

We think we can move in a year or two, but if he’s right and we have a kid, which is our number one top priority, we may wait till it’s one or two years old, cuz we don’t want to give it to someone to babysit it while we move till it’s older.

We’ve decided not to get newer and more modern furniture till we move into a newer and more modern house.

I updated our list of stuff to buy and do and we hope to have time now, to do stuff around here. We still have to pretty up the patio and get rid of that old chair and those water tanks.

We’re doing stuff to save money too, so that we better our chances of not getting in a financial jam again and to better our chances of meeting the deadlines we’ve estimated as far as our goals go. So, I offered to wash silverware from now on and not have him buy plastic silverware. I’ve washed dishes for most of the 10 or 11 years I’ve been on my own, so it’s nothing new.

Tom still hopes for a better job doing something he likes and I still hope to sell some artwork.

I got a letter from Bob yesterday with nothing new. He did enclose a letter for Minnie which he asked me to mail, so I did so today.

Now here’s something we really disagree on and of course, it’s easy for me to say that Tom either lost his mind or is quite a joker. Well, he’s always told me that in his opinion, I’m about an 8 or 9 as far as looks go. He says, though, that having a kid will make me more attractive and put me to a 9 or 10. That’s impossible. First of all, I’ll never be this thin again. I’ll have all the more of a lousy shape and the stretch marks I’ll have will be beyond imagination.

Yesterday we went over to mom’s who was there alone. She looked tired and sad, but can you blame her?

We put the sewing stuff back together and now it’s the same old sewing room again that it used to be but with new carpet. I vacuumed the computer room and we put the door to the sewing room back up.

She also let me borrow a couple of books, but I’ve still got to finish that big book by Dean Koontz. One of the books I got is about the Amy Fisher story and the other’s about two sisters who are stalked.

She said she’d take care of me for vacuuming next time around, but I told her not to worry about it.

I’ll call Larry tomorrow and wish him a happy 16th birthday and right now, I’m gonna check my email, then call Tammy. She’s taking off on the 4th, so I want to wish them a happy and safe trip and tell them to send us postcards.

Andy’s to be leaving on the 7th for two weeks.

Later…

I just did talk to Tammy who’s taking care of last-minute things till they leave. She says that what I did to her mother-in-law in Springfield doesn’t bother her and that she hasn’t talked to her in months. She says that she left Lisa’s concert cuz the girls didn’t want to sit with her and then she called Tammy a bitch in front of the kids. I agree with Tammy when she said that not even mom would do that. Mom would take Tammy aside away from the kids if she really had to let Tammy have it.

Later…

I’m in the back room now and I can see 3 of my birds from where I am. One’s in the window, one’s on the water tank, and one’s up in the rafters.

Someone shot or did something to one of my birds unless it had some kind of accident. One of my long-time regulars has something stuck in its chest and limps. I’m surprised it can fly or that it’s even alive. It’s a small round bright yellow thing, that looks like it could be some kind of arrow, but I’m not sure. I’ll describe it to Tom and see what he thinks.

Somebody around here better not be fucking with my birds. I don’t see how it could’ve landed on something that stabbed it and got stuck in it by accident, so my guess is that it’s some demented kids fucking around.

I got the backs of Goldie, Al, Boo and Max’s envelopes done and I’ll be doing the fronts soon.

Got a message from that site that put out my search request for Robin. They asked if they could publish any comments or input I make and I said fine, go ahead. They also say that all songs for this contest I have to find out more about can have up to 50 lines. No problem. I don’t have songs that long and who cares if they get stolen since I’m not going to be a singer. I doubt anyone would want them that bad to steal them. I mean, for the most part, my songs are just good and not great. Later I’ll ask Tom to help me do what would be the best method of getting the songs to them and finding out more details about the contest.

I did 10 push-ups for the first time in my life the other day, so that was cool. Tom says that my arms seem more fit and defined than when we first met and that my lower body’s the same. Maybe my arms are fit, cuz Tom reminded me that I couldn’t do push-ups when we first met, which is true. I just wish my lower body was more fit, but that’s what I get for being too lazy to work on it. Besides, if Tom’s right, I don’t think it’d matter anymore cuz I’d be in such bad shape. It’ll be hopeless then.

After Tom gets off work today, he’s gonna take me to get a birthday card for Tammy, an anniversary card for my parents and that I’m-so-sorry card for Marty & Ruth. I’m glad Marty & Ruth didn’t make any contact with me, though, as I expected them not to.

In Larry’s letter, I told him I’m sorry Jenny C’s mom died even though her mother was no angel and could be a mean little drunk. I kept that last part to myself.

As I told Larry, I was glad she didn’t end up getting ahold of me. I still think past friendships should remain past friendships. Also, we’re 3000 miles away from each other and are very different. I told him I know we’ve grown out of our old ways and that I don’t hate her, but I learned my lesson as far as buddy sharing goes. I don’t share friends with other friends or family members. My husband, though, is a different story. He can be friends with my friends if he wants to or not and the same goes for me.

I’m frying up some lunch now, but after I eat, I’ll write about a bizarre and horrible dream I had a couple of nights ago.

Later…

Now that is just too weird! That yellow thing that was stuck in that bird is gone. He’s still limping a bit, but how can something that looked to be pretty stuck in there, fall out?

Now for that weird and terrible dream I had. Well, the horrible one started off weird, then turned to horror. I was walking with Tom in a fair or something like that when this woman asked me if I had $80 worth of children. I said I didn’t have any children as if the question she asked was perfectly normal.

She was deaf and I signed to her, “This is my husband,” and introduced Tom.

Then Tom and I began to walk away and I kept saying, “I know that girl from somewhere.”

Then it hit me and I raced back to the girl and said, “Remember?! I was Anna & Harry’s foster kid too. You were my foster sister.”

Then she remembered and we were in tears of joy to have met up with each other and the thought of being friends. In real life, though, I was Anna & Harry’s one and only foster kid and I had no foster sister there, although I called this 22-year-old girl named Bonnie my foster sister. She lived on my floor. So, I don’t really know this fictitious dream character.

Then Tom went his own way to leave us to get reacquainted. We signed to each other about our lives since we last saw each other and the next thing I know, we were on this little minibus. Suddenly there were cruisers everywhere and I saw that there was a riot going on.

I cried out, “Oh, no! Where’s Tom?”

Then I noticed 4 chairs with people sitting side by side. They all toppled over with the people still in them. At one end of the line of chairs, a woman and a baby toppled over and I thought to myself, I can’t believe people would carry on like this with a baby in the midst of it all!

Then I saw that Tom was at the other end of the 4 chairs and that the chair was tipped over with him still in it. He lay on his side with his arms at his side and his eyes shut tight and with no movement whatsoever.

Panic filled me and I grabbed the girl’s arm and signed, “I need you.” Meaning, that I’d need her to get me through whatever was to come of all this.

I looked at Tom’s completely motionless body and prayed, "Please move, open your eyes, start stirring, wake up!" I didn’t know if he was dead or alive, but I knew I had to find out and find out who did this to him.

Then I woke up. It was a horribly real, scary, and sad dream.

It was neat, though, to sign a whole dream, for the most part, then to remember it so I could see what I said.

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hybridzizi · 1 year ago

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I took like 3 months off of work to try and figure out my migraines and I’m going back to work tomorrow so I guess now is a reasonable time to try and collect all my discoveries and suspicions.

Triptans are incredible because they actually make the migraine go away! The downside is apparently they have a risk of making the migraines worse if I overuse them and the line for what “overuse” is seems to be very very fuzzy. This makes me reluctant to use them as much as I probably should and means I should really try and find the source of the migraines if I can.

Cold does seem to help dial down the intensity of the migraines. If the migraine gets bad enough it’s not really noticeable, but if I can catch it early wearing an ice pack as a hat or taking a cold bath can delay the migraine a few hours (which is usually enough time for the triptans to kick in).

Apparently I have pretty bad TMJ and also arthritis in my jaw. I have a little device to stick in my mouth and some stretches that are supposed to help with this. The device does not noticeably help my migraines (though hopefully it will keep my teeth and jaw from getting more fucked up) but the stretches and also trying very hard to notice when I clench my jaw and stop doing that seem to help.

My favorite stretch is the one where I just stick a thumb in my mouth and pinch the masseter muscle really hard until it relaxes. It doesn’t stop the muscle from tensing but it at least resets the tension I’m carrying back to zero. I’m supposed to do this one like once a day but when my muscles start going crazy I do it like every couple hours.

I did try botox, which did nothing for me, but that appointment is where they found the jaw arthritis so net helpful even if I wish the botox helped me as much as it helped my siblings.

My entire body tenses up when I’m on my period and this makes the jaw clenching much worse.

I have tried switching birth controls to help with this. It might have helped a bit? Or possibly it’s just the other stuff I’m doing keeps the muscle tension from getting too bad. The muscles are still tensing up for about a week every few weeks but they don’t seem to be getting as tense.

Started taking muscle relaxants. My doctor wants this to be temporary because there’s no good research on the long-term effects of the ones that don’t interact with my other meds. Tragic. But they are helping a ton for now!!!

I am annoyed to admit it, because my physical therapist was trying to sell me on fucking homeopathy, but physical therapy was enormously helpful. Gave me some good stretches, told me to start using a lacrosse ball as a foam roller (which is honestly such a fucking life saver when every muscle in my body is trying to tense up!!!), and told me to fix my posture.

The posture thing seemed like it was helping except that I wasn’t being very consistent about it so I got one of those awful devices that glues to your back and buzzes if you slouch even a little bit. I hate it with every fiber of my being but also it seems to be helping incredibly.

I did a sleep study and they think I do not have problems but they cannot tell for sure because I didn’t fall asleep very deeply because sleep studies are the worst.

I have an upcoming eye appointment. I think my vision is good but wouldn’t it be dumb if I just needed glasses?

#migraines #personal #bodies

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inaworldlikethis52 · 2 years ago

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The thing is though.

And this is why I hate my thoughts.

When I called Selvon Wednesday night asking if he’s home and that I needed to talk to him obviously like when you say that to anyone they’ll freak out. He kept asking me what it was and just tell him over the phone. I didn’t want to. I needed to see him and see his reaction. But then he said “are you pregnant or something” and I said I need to talk to him in person and I’ll call him when I’m on the way.

Then when I told him that I was pregnant, he didn’t seem surprised?? I was literally freaking the fuck out bc like this is life changing news. He just said “ok”. And the fact that he had asked me about my period a week before. And then said I thought you were on birth control.

I mean he said he asked about my period bc he never heard me talk about having it, which I mean I think I did early stages of us dating 😭🤦🏻‍♀️ but of course like being on birth control, I don’t fully have one 99 percent of the time, just the symptoms of it. So it didn’t really matter.

He’s gotten girlfriends or girls pregnant in the past and got abortions with them or miscarriages.

Like I said, I don’t judge him. I could have been another one of those girls. And I’m not sure if he continued to date any of them after, but maybe since he learned that I would have an abortion he’d want to be with someone who wants to have kids.

But the thing is though, if we actually were together, in a relationship, family and friends knew about us and then I got pregnant? I would have a real serious honest conversation with him & would probably keep it if we agree to be in this together. I don’t want to be a single mother. I would need him to be there for me and the baby 100 percent. No co-parenting. No other baby mamas. Us and the baby.

I mean if it did happen now, like no one knew about us. I can’t see myself just going to his family and my family like hi I’m pregnant with his child. How does that even look?? We’re not ready for that.

But he’s getting older and I’m getting older. Though he said he’s not looking for a relationship, he is. Just not with me.

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ariyacl · 8 days ago

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She rolled her eyes at his response. If she didn’t love him so much, she would find him annoying. How was it possible for a man to be so in-tuned with her needs? Yet here they were. “Well, maybe you should be less yourself.” Ari grumbled, but there was no real heat behind her words. Another wave of nausea hit her, causing her to winced in discomfort. “I don’t always look beautiful…” she mumbled. “I don’t think tired makes me throw up or cry, baby.” She scrunched her nose, shaking her head, “It’s not cute.” Despite her protests, she felt a tear roll down her cheek. “See, now you’ve made me cry. Are you happy now?” Feeling vulnerable sucked, but with Pearce, it felt okay at least.

Pearce Callahan.

he was always a little worried that he was going to end up pushing or scaring the other away. Regardless of the things he did, she still wanted him around pretty regularly and he was thankful for that, especially since he was completely in love with her. He chuckled, “I don’t know how possible that is but I’ll keep that in mind.” He replied with a shake of his head. “I think you do but I am slightly bias.” He added. As she went on to say what may or may be the cause of her issue, his brain connected the dots for a few moments. “No but,” he cleared his throat, “do you, I mean, have you had your period lately?” He wasn’t trying to freak her out but with the amount of time the two spent in bed together, he assumed that could very well be a valid possibility.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Who knew love could make you get so needy? Before Pearce, she would never want to be anyone while she was sick, but not now. Now, she wanted him around. "You're such a goof," she said to him, clearly teasing. She stared at him, her eyes widening as his words sank in. Her period? When was the last time she had it? Ari's mind raced, trying to remember. "I can’t remember," she mumbled, feeling panicked. How long has it been? She got her period last month, right? No… She was on birth control. Could she really be pregnant? The idea of having a baby terrified her. "I guess it's possible, but I’ve never missed my birth control shots." she reached, reaching for his hand. "Do you really think that’s it? I’m pregnant?" She held her breath. A bout of nausea hit right then and she ran out of bed, barely making it to the toilet.

Pearce Callahan.

the last thing that he wanted to do was make her panic or worry but what else would make her this way? Despite them both being completely different doctors, far from anything that dealt with babies, he still felt as though those symptoms were likely. “I mean, I just think it could be a possibility…” he spoke and before he could say much more, she was running toward the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach. He took in a deep breath and followed her with his phone in hand and added a couple of tests to his cart before sending his order and attempting to be there for her. He knelt down, hand gathering her hair. “We can figure this out.”

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ari wasn’t ready to be a mom. She had no motherly bone in her body. How was she expected to care for a baby? She’d be a horrible mom, right? Not that she could focus on that now as she heaved and expelled the little contents in her stomach. “Oh God,” she groaned, resting her forehead against the cool porcelain. Panic and fear took over. A baby? Now? With her career just taking off? She wasn’t prepared for this. She felt Pearce’s hand on her back, comforting her. Despite feeling miserable, she was thankful he was there. Once she stopped, she leaned back against him—exhausted and scared. “I can’t be pregnant,” she whispered. “We’ve been so careful. I’m not cut out to be a parent.” When the nausea returned, closed her eyes and puked again. After a moment, she leaned against the toilet and said, “I feel like I’m at death’s door.”

Pearce Callahan.

he knew that this was early in their relationship to be thinking about kids. in fact, he wasn't even sure that he was cut out to have them. pearce was…well, older and he assumed that since he hadn't managed to have kids at this point then he wasn't supposed to have them at all. so, he was having mixed feelings about all of this. even so, he put on a brave face and supported his girlfriend through all of this. "i know, baby. i ordered some tests with everything else so we'll find out soon and we can figure things out. i won't let you go through any of this alone."

Ariya Chakri-Langley

She felt awful. The nausea wouldn't let up, and now Pearce had planted this terrifying idea in her head. A baby? Her? She could barely keep a plant alive. Ari groaned, leaning against the cool bathroom tiles. "Tests? Oh god, you're serious about this," Ari mumbled, her stomach churning again. The thought of a tiny human depending on her made her want to throw up all over again. But as scared as she was, at least Pearce was being supportive—even though this must be freaking him out too. "Thank you for being here. I don't know what I'd do without you." Her eyes welled up with tears. Damn hormones—if that's what this was. "I don't know the first thing about being a mom. I'm not nurturing or maternal at all. I'd probably mess the kid up for life." She closed her eyes, trying to will away another wave of nausea. "Can you just hold me for a bit?" But first she needed to get off the floor.

Pearce Callahan.

guilt filled his body after he spoke. The last thing that he meant to do was stress ariya out but he very well assumed that it could be a possibility, even if it wasn’t something that the two of them were ready for. “I just think we should be sure. I could be wrong, my love.” He spoke in a soft tone. He was trying to stay as calm as possible but he wasn’t sure how well he was doing. “You really thought I’d leave? I’m not going anywhere.” He promised. If there was one thing about Pearce, it was gang he was dependable. “Let’s not stress about that until we find out for sure. I, well, I think I’m a bit too old to be a father at this point.” He admitted and took in a deep breath, his hand rubbing over her back in a soothing manner. “Do you think you can make it back to bed?”

Ariya Chakri-Langley

“Don’t be sorry. You were speaking your mind.” His suspicion could be right, and for all they knew she could be pregnant. How could she be mad at him for doing that? She gave a weak nod, feeling dizzy from the action. “Yeah, I think I can make it back to bed,” she mumbled, reaching for his hand. Her knees wobbled as he helped her up, leaning on him like a crutch. “Shut up. You’re not too old. You’d be an amazing dad. I’m the problem. Not you.” Back in bed, Ari snuggled up to Pearce, seeking his comfort. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess right now,” she whispered into his chest. “Thank you for being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm down her nausea. Thinking about the situation had her mind going stir crazy. It wasn’t fair to Pearce for her to freak out on him like this. He’d been good to her.

Pearce Callahan.

if he could do anything, he figured the least he could do was be there for her and provide her with what she needed in order to get down to her illness. he helped her up and took her back to bed, a small chuckle leaving his lips as his hand rubbed over her back. "i'm afraid i am a bit old but older people have had babies." and he would be by ariya's side no matter the results. he climbed into bed with her, arm coming around her and kissing the top of her head, "you're never going to have to find out. you're my girl and i'm not going anywhere. why don't we put on a movie, hm? get our minds off of everything?"

Ariya Chakri-Langley

She snuggled closer to Pearce, feeling better with him there. Her nausea eased a bit, but thoughts of pregnancy still swirled in her head. "Stop worrying about your age, baby. You're not old. Besides, if you're old, then you're the hottest old man I know. To add to that, you will be a great dad." Ari wasn’t sure why he was nervous for. He was a great guy, and his caring heart would make him an even better dad. "A movie sounds nice," she mumbled, snuggling even closer. "Maybe something light? I don't think I can handle anything too intense right now." She paused. "And yeah, we should probably get a test. Just to be sure." She bit her lip. "Can we wait until tomorrow though? I don't think I’m up for any more surprises today." She looked at him, worried. "I'm scared, Pearce. What if I am pregnant? I don't know if I'm ready for that." Her voice shook. "But if I am, I'm glad it's with you."

Pearce Callahan.

he couldn’t help but laugh at her words. “Well, your opinion is the only one that matters to me anyways.” The man reassured and kissed the top of her head. “Sure. I’ll put on a classic. The breakfast club will do, hmm?” He knew it wasn’t anything that would stress either of them out. “I…added the tears to the order I placed for delivery but you don’t have to take them until tomorrow. Don’t feel pressured. I just wanted to have them just in case.” His hand rubbed against her back. This certainly wasn’t an expected turn of events but who knew if she was pregnant. “If you’re not ready, I’m not going to force you, you know that right? I mean, we’d figure it out.” He reassured, eyes meeting hers. If she decided this wasn’t something she wanted, he support her. He wasn’t sure he was ready either but he didn’t want to stress himself out about that though, not now.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

The idea of having a baby terrified her, but she knew deep down she couldn't terminate if she was pregnant. It would be selfish, especially since Pearce would be involved. Ari wasn't heartless, and hurting him was the last thing she wanted. "Damn right," she said with a weak smile, "Sounds perfect." It wasn't like they would be paying attention anyway. Her stomach churned again, and she groaned softly. "The Breakfast Club is a good choice. Nothing too heavy. Thanks for getting the tests. I'm not ready to know yet, but having them here is good. I know you wouldn't force me into anything. That's one of the things I love about you." She took a shaky breath, trying to calm her nerves. "If I am pregnant, we'll figure it out together. We’re both doctors. It shouldn’t be that hard raising a baby, right?" A mixture of uncertainty and affection filled her gaze as their eyes met. "Can you just hold me for a while? You always make me feel better."

Pearce Callahan.

he knew that their relationship was new and even so, he loved her and he couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else. He couldn’t help but hope that the other felt the same about him. He turned on the movie once she agreed and nodded his head, “of course. It takes two to tango. It’s not as though you did it all your own and I want to be here for you any way I can be.” Even if it was something as simple as getting the tests. He felt a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as she spoke, “right. We can figure things out if it comes to that but for right now,” his arms tugged her closer, “let’s not worry about it. Let’s just relax. You need the rest anyways.” He reassured, hand rubbing soothing circle against her back. This certainly wasn’t a situation that he thought he would land himself in but even so, if it were going to happen then he was glad that it was happening with ariya.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

She snuggled closer to Pearce, grateful for his comforting embrace. The nausea subsided a bit as she relaxed against him, his steady heartbeat soothing her frayed nerves. "You're a good man, babe." And she meant that. Most men would have run off by now. Not only was she not the greatest with holding her tongue, she was probably going to be a horrible mother too. But here he was, solid and dependable. "I don't know how you put up with me," she mumbled into his chest. "I'm a mess right now and you're still here. Thank you for that." She tilted her head up to look at him, a small smile on her pale face. Her hand found his, their fingers intertwining. "But if anyone could figure it out with me, it's you. You're already so good at taking care of people." She let out a sigh. "I'm glad you're here. I don't think I could handle this alone." The movie played in the background, but she barely registered it. Her mind was racing with possibilities, fears, and a tiny spark of hope. Whatever happened, at least she had Pearce by her side.

Pearce Callahan.

as long as his girlfriend needed him, he wasn’t going anywhere. Pearce had to admit that despite the seriousness of the situation, he was comfortable. Comfortable enough to doze off for a few moments until the ring of the doorbell indicating the delivery was there woke him up. Taking in a deep breath, he placed a kiss on her forehead and got up before grabbing the delivery and carrying one of the gatorades back to the room after placing the rest in the fridge. “I hope this helps you. Is there anything else you need? You know I’m not going anywhere as long as you need me.”

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ari felt relieved when Pearce came back with the Gatorade. Her stomach still felt off, but her queasiness was going away at least. She should be able to hold down Gatorade at least… “Thank you,” she said, taking small sips. It felt nice going down her dry throat. “I’m okay,” she told him, though she wasn’t really sure. “But I think I should take the test.” Without waiting for him to say anything, she got up and went to the bathroom, with unsteady legs. A few minutes later, she came out holding the test. Her face was white, and her hands shook a little as she held it out to him. “You look,” she said, so quietly she could barely hear her own voice. She wasn’t sure what she wanted. Did she want to be pregnant or not? Ideally people waited until they got married before they had children, but there were in 2024 now, stranger things have happened.

Pearce Callahan.

he didn’t want to pressure her to take the test but when she grabbed it before he could really say much more and went into the bathroom, he allowed her to do just that. Pearce took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of her bed. What if she was pregnant? He wasn’t sure how to feel about the whole ordeal but at least it was with ariya. Looking at her as she came out, his eyebrows raised. The way she looked made him think that she’d already looked but when she told him to look, he nodded. He could do that much right? He slowly took the test, eyes landing on the results and a breath leaving his lips. He wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or not, “it’s negative.” He announced and peered back up at her.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ariya was on pins and needles as she watched Pearce look at the test results. The moment he mentioned that it was negative, she felt a blend of relief and disappointment wash over her. “Oh,” she muttered. “That’s good, right? We don’t want to have a baby right now.” The words came out, but she wasn’t sure if she meant them. For a second, she’d pictured a kid with Pearce’s eyes and her sass, and she was mildly disappointed. “I guess we dodged a bullet there,” she added with a weak laugh before laying back down next to Pearce on the bed, where she leaned on him. “Do you think it’s just the flu? Or could it be something else?” she asked, her doctor brain kicking in. “I’ve never felt this sick before.” She shut her eyes, wishing the nausea would go away. Except she had when she had Kawasaki disease. But that couldn’t be what was going on. It mostly happened to children. Unless…she was the few unlucky ones. She couldn’t have, right? No… She refused to believe that.

Pearce Callahan.

he wasn’t sure how he felt about the results of the test. Pearce did feel like he was a little old to have a baby but even so, he would do it with Ariya. In fact, he wanted things with ariya that he hadn’t wanted before. He didn’t think or want to get married after what happened with his last wife but now, he could see himself marrying ariya. “I guess so.” He replied and moved his arm around her, lips pressing against the top of her head. “I’m sorry, baby. Do you want to go to the hospital? Maybe getting some IV fluids might make you feel better. You may just be really dehydrated.” He spoke, his hand rubbing over her back once again. He didn’t know what was going on but regardless, he was going to be by her side the entire time. He loved her.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ari felt silly for being sad about not being pregnant. It wasn't the right time, after all. But a nagging thought crept into her mind—would Pearce still want her if she didn't want children? She pushed the thought away, focusing on how awful she felt. "You're right, I hadn't even thought about being dehydrated," she mumbled, realizing he had a point. Her mouth felt like sandpaper. "Yeah, I think I should go to the hospital." She tried to sit up but immediately regretted it as another wave of nausea hit her. Groaning, she leaned back against Pearce. "I don't think I can make it to the car on my own," she admitted reluctantly. “Can you give me a hand?” She hated this. Feeling like she was useless. It should never be the case, yet here they were. This episode brought back memories of her time in the hospital and she hated it.

Pearce Callahan.

regardless of whatever happened, kids or not, Pearce was sure that he was completely in love with her and that he wouldn’t want to spend his life by anyone else’s side. He watched as she attempted to get up and nodded as she asked for help. He got up and took her hands, slowly pulling her up. “Come on, we can take my car.” He breathed out and slowly pulled her toward the door. He’d never seen her like this and the longer this all went on, the more worried Pearce was about what was really going on.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

She groaned as Pearce helped her up, her legs wobbling beneath her. “Thanks,” she mumbled, leaning heavily against him. The room spun as they made their way to the door. She felt pathetic, needing so much help, but she was grateful for Pearce’s steady presence.

In the car, she curled up in the passenger seat, her head resting against the cool window. “I’m sorry about this,” she said faintly, her eyes drooping. The gentle motion of the car lulled her into a fitful sleep.

At the hospital, a nurse approached them. “Ma’am, do you want your friend to stay with you?”

“Yes, he’s my boyfriend,” Ari replied weakly, clutching Pearce’s hand.

As they settled into an exam room, Dr. Mandy Chen walked in. “Ariya, what brings you here?” she asked, clearly surprised to see her colleague as a patient.

“I’ve been having flu symptoms,” Ari explained, her voice hoarse. “Nausea, vomiting, fatigue.”

Mandy nodded, making notes. “Any chance you could be pregnant?”

“No, I took a test. It was negative,” Ari said, shaking her head.

“Alright, we’ll do another test to be sure and check for flu as well. You hang in there,” Mandy said reassuringly.

Mandy's touch was as her fingers probed the areas around her neck and jaw. A flicker of concern crossed her colleague’s face, causing her stomach to tighten.

"Your lymph nodes are swollen," Mandy stated and paused for a moment, her gaze meeting hers. "You had Kawasaki disease during your childhood?"

“Yeah.” Ari said, “What’s wrong?”

“It might be nothing, but you hang tight. I’m going to run some tests.” Mandy said before standing up and leaving the room.

Ari’s heart thundered as her attention settled on Pearce. “Babe…” she said, her brows furrowed.

Pearce Callahan.

"please don't apologize." he spoke. the man was always going to be there for his girlfriend, especially in times where she needed someone there for her.

once they were there, he helped her inside and waited until the nurse approached them. he didn't want to assume that he'd want her back with her and so, he waited to see what ariya would say. once she gave him the okay, they made their ways into a room.

he squeezed her hand as the doctor came in, his thumbs rubbing the back of her hand in a comforting manner. he knew she was worried, even more so when she felt on her neck. pearce didn't know what that look meant, but he wasn't sure it was anything good.

pearce lifted her hand to his lips once they were alone again and shook his head, "i know. i'm not going anywhere and i'm sure it's nothing. don't worry, my love. i'm sure it's nothing." at least, that's what he hoped. he couldn't lose her. he wouldn't lose her.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Her mind raced as she lay on the hospital bed, her hand clutching Pearce's tightly. The symptoms, the fatigue, the nausea—it all pointed to one terrifying possibility. Kawasaki disease. Again. But she pushed that thought away, knowing better than to jump to conclusions without proper tests.

"I believe you," she said softly to Pearce, though doubt gnawed at her. She wanted desperately to believe everything would be fine, but the doctor in her knew better.

They waited for what felt like an eternity. Ariya's stomach churned with each passing minute. When Mandy finally returned, looking grim, Ari's heart sank.

"I have it, don't I?" she blurted out before Mandy could speak.

Mandy nodded solemnly. "Yes. You do. I'm sorry."

"But are you sure? It could just be flu," Ari protested weakly.

"We're certain," Mandy explained. "Your blood work shows elevated inflammatory markers consistent with Kawasaki disease. The echocardiogram also revealed some coronary artery dilation."

The color drained from Ariya's face as the diagnosis sank in. Her throat tightened painfully as she forced out the question she dreaded most: "My heart. Is it damaged?"

She gripped Pearce's hand even tighter, bracing herself for the answer. The fear of losing everything she'd worked so hard for—her career, her relationship, her life—crashed over her like a tidal wave.

“We’d have to run tests, but I’m hopeful that we’ve caught this early enough. If there is damage, it shouldn’t be major.”

Ari was speechless. Even after Mandy left, all she could do was stare at the walls.

Pearce Callahan.

the results of the tests and the confirmation that his girlfriend was ill again made his heart drop into his stomach. he didn't know much about the disease but he remembered her mentioning something about her heart and that's where her scar had come from. what was he supposed to do now? he couldn't lose her, not now. not when he loved her the way she did.

his eyes looked over at ariya once the two of them were left alone again and he brought her hands to his lips, kissing against her skin. "i'm so sorry, baby. i'm here though. we can get through this together." after all, there was no way that pearce was going to leave her to face all of this on her own. that just wasn't who he was. "i mean, there are treatments, aren't there? she said she thinks they caught it early. that's a good sign, right?"

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ariya stared at Pearce, her mind reeling from the news. This couldn't be happening. Not again. She shook her head in disbelief, her voice barely audible. "Kawasaki disease? But… that's impossible. It's a childhood illness. I already had it." But even as the words left her mouth, she knew better. As a doctor, she understood the cruel reality—while rare, recurrence was possible. The knowledge did nothing to ease the panic rising in her chest. Memories of her childhood flooded back—endless hospital stays, the constant fear, the pain. She couldn't go through that again. She just couldn't.

Her eyes met his, and she saw the worry and love behind them. God, she loved him so much. But she couldn't drag him into this nightmare. He deserved better than a sick girlfriend who might not survive. "There are treatments," she said hollowly, answering his question. "But there are side effects…" She trailed off, remembering the misery of her past treatments. She squeezed his hand. "Pearce, I can't ask you to go through this with me. It's going to be awful. You should get out now, while you still can."

Pearce Callahan.

he knew that this was a lot for her to take in. It was a lot for him to take in too but he was trying to stay strong, trying to put on a brave face so that she knew that she could lean on him through all of this. “What kinds of side effects?” He was already making mental notes on doing his own research when he was alone. He needed to know how to best support her and if there was anything at all he could do to help, he needed to know.

His brows furrowed in response to what she said next.”you’re not asking me. I’m going to be here regardless. I can’t let you go through this all by yourself. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I left you to go all of this on your own?” Not a very good one, he’d say.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ari sighed, her body feeling heavy with exhaustion and worry. “The side effects can be pretty rough,” she explained, her voice weak. “Nausea, vomiting, fever, joint pain—and that’s just the start. The steroids gives me mood swings, and weaken my immune system. There’s also a risk of blood clots and my heart might fail again.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s going to be a long, difficult road.” His words really touched her, but in the same breath, it made her feel guilty. She was grateful beyond words that he wanted to stay, but the thought of putting him through this ordeal made her chest ache.

“Pearce, you’re amazing. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” she said, squeezing his hand. “But this isn’t what you signed up for. It’s not fair to expect you to be my caretaker. You deserve a normal life, not endless hospital visits and worrying if I’ll make it through the night.” She gazed at him, love and sadness in her eyes. “I love you so much. That’s why I can’t ask you to sacrifice everything for me. It’s too much to ask of anyone, let alone someone as wonderful as you.”

Pearce Callahan.

his brows furrowed in her direction, “ariya, I’m not asking for your permission to be by your side during all of this. I’m sorry but I’m going to be here. You can’t face all of this on your own.” Sure, she was right. None of this what he signed up for but he loved her and what kind of partner would he be if he left her when she needed him most? Not a good one, that’s for sure. “I can handle this. I promise. None of this is going to make me love you any less. I’m going to help you get through this. We’re going to do this together.” He fully expected her to fight him on it. After all, she was stubborn as hell and had a mouth on her but even so, those were reasons he managed to fall in love with her the way that he did.

Ariya Chakri-Langley

She felt her heart clench at his words. Damn him for being so stubborn and wonderful. Part of her wanted to give in—to let him take care of her and face this together. But the larger part—the part that had been through hell and back—knew better. "Yes, I can and I want to. I don't want you to watch me deteriorate. I'm not yours to take care of," she said stubbornly. Her voice was weak, but her resolve was strong. She turned her head away, unable to look at him. "You don't understand, Pearce. This isn't just a few hospital visits. It's months, maybe years, of pain and suffering. I’m not going to be the woman you fall in love with." She paused, swallowing hard. "I can't ask you to put your life on hold for me. It's not fair." She looked back at him, her eyes filled with unshed tears. "You’ll hate me, and I’ll be damned if I let that happen.”

Pearce Callahan.

“you are mine to take care of. You’re my girlfriend and I love you. I’m not going anywhere, damn it.” Pearce said, finishing with a huff. He knew she wasn’t going to let this go easily but even so, he wasn’t either. He loved her more than he’d ever loved anyone and he wasn’t going to leave her just because she was sick. “And I’m willing to be here with you through all of it. Stop trying to push me away when I’m trying to be here for you. You’re the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.” And still, he wouldn’t choose anyone else to be by his side. He moved his arm around her shoulders and kissed the side of her head, “I could never hate you. It would be stupid of me to hate you over something that’s not your fault.0

Ariya Chakri-Langley

Ari felt her frustration rising, even as her body ached. She wanted to scream at him, to make him understand that this wasn’t some romantic movie where love conquered all. This was real life, and it sucked. “You don’t get it, do you?” she snapped. “I’m not pushing you away because I want to. I’m doing it because I have to.” She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. “You say you love me now, but what about when I’m in and out of hospitals? When I can’t work? When I’m too sick to even get out of bed?” She opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. “I’ve been through this before. It’s not pretty. It’s not romantic. It’s hell, and I can’t bear the thought of you resenting me for it.” She tried to sit up, but a wave of nausea hit her, and she fell back against the pillows. “Damn it. I hate this. I hate feeling weak. I hate that you’re seeing me like this.” She turned her head away, unable to look at him. “You should go. Please. Just go. I’ll be fine on my own. I always have been.” But even as she said the words, she knew she didn’t want him to leave. She was terrified of facing this alone again. Yet she was equally terrified of him staying and watching her fall apart.

Pearce Callahan.

he knew that she was upset but the last thing that he expected was for her to snap at him. Pearce furrowed his brows as he let go of her hand and stood up, his heart clenching in his chest. “I know it’s not a movie, ariya. I’m not doing this because I think it’s romantic. I’m not doing this to make it seem like I’m some Prince Charming. I’m doing this because regardless of what may happen, I love you and when you love someone, you’re there for them through anything and everything.” He paused and stepped toward the door, shaking his heard at the fact that his voice cracked. “I’ll give you space but I can promise you know I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be in the car when you’re done here and I’ll take you home. Just remember, you can’t keep pushing people away.” And with that, he stepped out of the room and left her to wait in the car.

COMPLETED

he chuckled and held his hands up in a surrender motion, “I’m just being myself.” He reassured and brought his attention back down to his phone so that he could add the crackers she requested. The trash can too. Once he heard the emotion in her voice, his head turned back to her and he looked at the woman in an affectionate manner. “Ariya, I’m just being honest. You are beautiful. Are you sure you’re not over tired? You sure are emotional right now. Not that I mind. I find it to be pretty cute.”

#ariya && pearce 07

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the-iceni-bitch · 3 years ago

Note

i wonder how freezy and reader are when she is on her period, do you think they are extra wild considering they loooooove blood play. ouuu what about if lamb ever got her period, you know, before they killed her 😳 LOL

Ok, I’m not gonna go too deep into this one, because the two of them indulging Freezy’s menophilia is one of my Kinktober fics 😈

But… I’m good with teasing all of you!

NO MINORS!!! 🔞

TW: period sex, blood play, f receiving oral sex, unprotected vaginal sex, Bobby’s filthy mouth, brief mention of kidnapping and non con activities, mentions of birth control, this gets real nasty and graphic y’all, be mindful, nothing too dark though

The first time it happened was a complete accident. You had done a good job of putting Bobby off for the first couple months of your little arrangement, and the birth control you were on meant it was typically just a few days that you had to avoid him.

It got a little harder once you moved into the neighborhood, but you could usually just redirect him with a blowjob.

But then you were fucking early one day when the two of you were fooling around, three of his fingers buried knuckle deep in your cunt until you gave him one of those moans that made his cock twitch and when he pulled them away they were covered in your blood. You had been so used to the typical chauvinist assholes you used for a good time before you two met that you had forgotten just how much of a freak Bobby was, and then he was sucking his fingers into his mouth with as close to a whine as you’d even heard from him and you knew you were about to get the shit fucked out of you for the next three days.

It was a good thing you two didn’t have any jobs the first time it happened, because after Bobby backhanded you for keeping his fucking pussy from him when it was giving up one of his favorite things, he made it his mission to spend every possible minute of the next three days buried between your thighs. Of course, you’re giving it right back to him, smacking his face when he tries to choke you and telling him a real man would’ve noticed months ago and fucked you until you were covered in cum and blood and couldn’t even think anymore.

Which makes him, just, so angry, which is exactly what you wanted. So he’s got you pinned to the floor of your living room, his hand on the back of your neck keeping your face smashed to the hardwood while his knees keep yours spread wide apart but bent so your ass is up while he spanks your overly sensitive pussy. After each smack he smears his blood covered fingers over your skin with a low groan, because one his favorite sights is you covered in blood, and the thought of it being your own blood is making him fucking feral.

Normally he draw this sort of thing out, because he really is furious you haven’t let him do this already, but the sight of your throbbing cunt leaking blood and slick is making him lose his mind. Next thing you know his hand’s off your neck and he’s gripping your hips to fling them over his shoulders, growling into your core when he finally buries his face in your bloody center. He’s pretty sure he’s gonna come in his pants but he doesn’t even care, the taste of your blood is making him feel drunk.

And you, you can’t even form thoughts with how good he’s eating you out. His tongue is thrusting into you viciously while he shakes his head to try to force himself deeper, the animalistic sounds coming out of him sending vibrations of pleasure shooting through your system. Even though your in the position, you can’t even return the pleasure, you’re too lost in what he’s doing to you, plus, he never actually took his clothes off, and there’s no way you can force your hands to try to undo his belt and fly right now.

He moves his lips down to your clit once he’s relatively satisfied and that’s all it takes for you to lose it, turning your head and screaming into his hip when you come harder than you think you ever have before, your whole body spasming while your thighs clench around his head. As soon as your finished he drops you, ripping his clothes off in a frenzy before curling over you and licking up some of the blood he smeared all over your back.

When he finally flips you over you whine at the sight of him. Everything from his nose to his chest is coated in your blood, his fingers still coated with it when he curls his hand around your throat. He doesn’t give you any warning before he’s thrusting into you, making you shriek when he starts fucking you wildly while he presses his finger against the spot your pulse is thudding under your skin. Then he’s bending over you and spitting your own blood onto your cheek, purring at the desperate mewl you give him when he drags his tongue over the red stain before smashing his lips to yours and forcing you to taste yourself.

The kiss doesn’t last long though, because what he really wants is to watch your blood soak his cock and thighs. He’s keeping your thighs spread wide so he can get a view of your pussy swallowing him whole, groaning when he gets a look at the thick mixture of blood and cream that’s seeping out of you with each thrust. Then he starts running his mouth and you can’t fucking take it, hearing him tell you how he thought your snatch was perfect before but, fuck, you’re so tight now kitten, strangling my fucking cock. You better come on my dick, kitten, we’ve got lots of time to make up for.

His thumb presses against your clit and that’s it, with how sensitive you are that’s all you need to lose it again. Your spine arches almost painfully from the force of it, making you raise up off the floor with a wail while your cunt clenched around him so hard he can’t even move anymore. The sight of your bloodstained face lost in pleasure and the feeling of your sweet cunt strangling the life out of him has him following right behind you, grabbing your face and pulling it to his so he can bite at your lips while he pumps you full of his cum.

You think you’re done when the two of you collapse to the floor, but as soon as Bobby gets a look at the mix of blood and cum that’s dribbling out of you, he’s already hard again, diving between your thighs to lap everything up before starting all over again.

And that’s pretty much how it is now every month. Bobby drugs his stupid cunt of a wife every night you’re bleeding and aside from the brief time he has to take every morning and evening to make it seem like he’s actually a decent married man (ha!) all his time is spent over at your place. He doesn’t want you wearing pads or tampons or anything, mostly because the only time his cock isn’t buried in you is when he’s making you ride his face until he’s almost drowning in it. It took you forever to convince him to at least put down a towel when he fucked you in the bed, because he loves the idea of soaking the sheets with your blood and cum. He even tried to force you to go off your birth control so you’d be bleeding for longer, but then you told him he’d have to wear condoms and there was no way that was happening.

And, you mentioned what happened when lamb got her period, nonnie, because those nasty fuckers had her for a couple of months, and our good little Catholic girl definitely wasn’t on the pill.

That was the only time you didn’t have to practically beg Bobby to join in on your games. All it took was you dragging one finger over her bloody slit nice and slow then popping it in your mouth for him to lose all his control and shove his face between her legs when she tried to force them closed.

It may have been the most humiliating part of the whole ordeal for lamb, because you know how fucked up the church’s ideas are about women’s reproductive health. She just wanted to hide in shame the first time Bobby fucked her with his tongue while she was bleeding, and she never cried harder than when he rose from between her thighs like some sort of beast, his mouth covered in blood and his cock nudging against her puffy folds when he bent to kiss you before spearing into her.

The fact that she hated it so much meant that you pretty much spent the whole time she was bleeding making her watch Bobby feed on her and fuck her until she was sobbing uncontrollably. And when he always told her that even her pure little virgin blood didn’t taste as good as your bloody cunt she couldn’t handle it.

And you definitely took a few photos of Bobby eating her out and his bloody cock to save for after you got rid of her.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Well, oops! That got away from me a little bit!

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forever-rogue · 4 years ago

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Hi!

Happy New Year! 😃 There’s so many to choose from but as soon as I saw this one, I knew it was the one I wanted to pick.

Prompt #35 from Prompt List #2 - Frankie Morales

Thank you!

#35: “About the baby...it’s yours.”

Ohhh, this is inch resting! Enjoy!

Frankie Morales x Reader ; warnings: pregnancy (and any and all things related to it), mentions of sex, drinking, smooches.

Frankie Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

“No,” you sighed in frustration as you looked at the small white stick in your hands. It was a simple pregnancy test, but right now it felt like a ticking time bomb. You read over the singular word in frustration before tossing it onto the floor and watching as it skidded to a stop next to the bathtub.

Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.

It couldn’t be right though, surely it had to be a false positive. But then...what about all the rest of the tests you had taken? All nine others were lined up on the counter, a testament to how determined you were to find out that you weren’t pregnant. But...could ten tests really be lying? What were the odds that all of them were false positives?

“Shit,” in a burst of anger you tossed them all off the counter and onto the floor, tears already running down your cheeks as you sank to the floor in frustration. How could this have happened? You were so careful every other time; you were on birth control and always made sure to have your partners use a condom. And yet...here you were. Pregnant and alone, crying on your bathroom floor.

You pulled your knees up to your chest as you decided to get all your tears out then and there before making a plan. One way or another, something was going to need to happen - and as soon as possible hopefully.

But then, as you sat there, crying and ignoring the incessant notifications on your going off on your phone, it hit you.

Frankie. Francisco Morales. He’d been the last person you had sex with.

Holy shit. No - there was no way. You couldn't be pregnant by your best friend that you'd secretly loved for years and had a drunken one night stand with. Absolutely not. Nope...that would be...the worst thing in the eternity of the universe. Some sort of vile joke that the universe would be playing on both of you. It couldn’t be him...no, no, no.

But...he was the last person you'd had sex with. And before then...it had been months since anyone else. Unless there was some sort of divine intervention on behalf of your uterus and you were some sort of abstinent Mary, Frankie Morales was the father of your baby.

The baby - not your baby. Rather, the small peanut inside of you. Referring to it as anything else was too...real. It was just a baby - a maybe baby. One you weren’t even sure you’d keep, wanted, or would tell Frankie about. But...shit. You couldn’t not. It would come out somehow, if not now, then later, in a moment of indiscretion, or another drunken evening. You had to tell him...even if it was just to let him know what happened before you made some sort of decision.

But what the hell were you supposed to tell him? Oh by the way, remember when we had sex two months ago? Yeah, well, I’m pregnant.

You must have forgotten to take your birth control, and neither of you must have had enough sense to remember a condom. Or one of the two failed...or both. Either way it was a perfect storm that resulted in the worst possibility.

The worst part of all?

Despite the upset and sheer terror you felt, there was a small part of you that wasn’t...entirely devastated. You’d never given much thought to children, having been perpetually single for the better part of the last decade, and hopelessly in love with your best friend. If there was a man that you wouldn't have minded children with, it would have been Frankie. He was a good man, always trying to be better, trying his best, and despite all the shit he’d been through in life, he still managed to have a soft, loving heart. He would have made a good father, that much you knew.

But shit. He was only your best friend, and unlike you, he wasn’t deep in love. Would he even want a baby? A child he’d have what - half custody of while you had the other? It would never work, it wasn’t meant to be...it just...no. There was no way in hell this was going to work out.

With that thought in your mind, you rested your head on your knees, crying and shaking as you tried to wrap your head around it all.

»»————-　♡　————-««

“Hey,” you felt a soft touch on your arm as you heard your name being gently called, “hey, Bee...wake up.”

You opened your eyes, blinking away the dried tears and bleariness as you took in the face looking back down at you with a gentle smile. Momentarily forgetting your predicament, you offered him a smile of your own as he held out his hand to help you up to your feet.

“Frankie,” you gave him a curious look, “what are you doing here? It’s not movie night or anything.”

“I’ve been calling and texting,” he nodded in the direction of your discarded phone, which was blinking at you with notifications, “you didn’t answer and I got worried. It’s not like you. I wanted to see if you were up for getting a drink tonight? The brewery’s got a new ale out.”

“I...umm,” you quickly remember your situation as a sense of panic set into your bones. The tests and discarded boxes were still all over the floor, one right next to your phone. He had to have seen them. You swallowed the lump in your throat as you nodded lightly, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Frankie.”

“Yeah,” he said as he gave everything the once over. Another worry suddenly crossed your mind; you’d been drinking the last two months. Granted it hadn’t been anything crazy, just a beer here and there and a glass of wine on occasion, but still. Shit. He cleared his throat awkwardly as you scurried around to pick everything up. Ever the gentleman, he stepped into help, pausing slightly when he noticed all the positive tests, “you...ugh...you’re pregnant?”

“I-I guess,” you offered him the most neutral look you could muster up, “I just ugh...found out. It’s a bit of a surprise to me too.”

“Oh...you don’t…” he swallowed thickly as he nodded, more to himself than anything else as wished the floor would open up and swallow you whole, “do you…”

“I don’t know a lot,” you cut him off before he could continue his line of questioning, “i didn’t really know I was...pregnant until I missed my period this month. I-I-I thought last month was a fluke but two months in a row is disconcerting. So I panicked and got some tests.”

“Oh,” his eyes widened as you could practically hear the gears turning in his head as you realized what you said. You might as well have told him then and there, “I thought you were…”

“I am,” you tried to cover up your own tracks, “I’m on birth control, so I’m also a little...surprised. I’m trying to keep calm, but in all honesty I’m freaking out.”

“It’s okay, Bee,” he promised softly as he gently put his hand on your cheek, brushing his thumb over your cheek. It was hard not to melt into his touch and confess everything then and there, “I’m here for you. Whatever you need, whatever support you want, I’m here, every step of the way.”

“Frankie...I-I don’t know what to say…” your lip trembled with effort as you tried not to break down in a fit of tears again. It would be better to get it out in the open now and to just say it and let him know and -

“Either I get to be the best fun uncle, or...I’ll be here for you either way,” he insisted with a smile small before pulling you into a gentle, warm hug. You were stunned into silence, but decided to let things happen, wrapping your own arms around his waist as you buried your head in his chest.

You wouldn’t tell him now. But soon. You needed to. For your sake as well as his own.

»»————-　♡　————-««

It was an odd feeling, walking out of the doctor’s office, clutching a stack of papers with more information than you knew what to do with, including a set of grainy black and white images. You’d cried - as you’d often been doing lately - but somehow you weren’t upset. It had been about two weeks since your surprise discovery, and with each passing day, it became more real.

You were still confused, more than you had ever been, but somehow you’d grown attached to the idea of the little bean that was inside of you. It was scary, more than anything else in life ever had been, but you...just...it was a lot.

No you just needed to tell Frankie.

It seemed like every time you’d tried, something or someone came up and interrupted, pulling his attention away or making it a most inopportune moment. But...shit. You couldn’t let this go much longer.

You’d tell him. Tonight. There was no doubt in your mind it was time to do it and then the pieces could fall wherever they landed and you’d figure it out. Keeping it from him just wouldn’t be fair, and you couldn’t imagine a world where you had this baby and Frankie only thought of himself of an uncle.

A heavy sigh escaped your lips as you walked into your apartment, ready to sit down and relax - and get yourself hyped to tell Frankie - before he came over for your weekly movie night.

But when you got in, your heart plummeted when you saw Frankie already in the kitchen, messing around with some snacks. Shit, shit, shit. He wasn’t supposed to be there for at least another two hours.

“Bee,” he grinned at you when spotted you, excitedly pointing at the various treats he was setting out, “you’re just in time!”

“And you’re early,” you tried to make light of it as you walked in and set everything down on the table, “I wasn’t expecting you for a while.”

“I know,” he grinned with a wink, “but I knew you’d be home soon, and wanted to do this for you. You’re dealing with a lot, and I just want to help however I can. How did it go? Did you get more information...what am I saying? Of course you did...how was it?”

“It was a lot,” you admitted, just like everything right now, “the doctor was really helpful and gave me so much information. But..ugh...the ba - it’s fine right now.”

“The baby?” he asked as you nodded, setting down the stack of papers, letting the sonogram images land on top, “you can call it a baby, Bee!”

“I know,” you huffed lightly with laughter at yourself, “it just...makes it feel so real. Calling it a baby. I dunno.”

“Bee’s having a baby...Baby Bee,” he said excitedly as he looked over your stack of papers, his soft brown eyes landing on the pictures, “maybe...a maybe Baby Bee…”

Before you could stop him, he reached for the sheet of images, bringing it up to his face as he furrowed his brows to study them closely. A small smile tugged on the corners of his mouth as he looked at them, and you couldn’t help but grin back at him. You were so in love with this man, it was almost painful sometimes. And you here you were, having his baby and he didn’t know, he wasn’t yours...that bad it all that much harder. Before you knew it, tears were running down your cheeks, and a sniffle escaped your lips.

“Umm, F-Frankie…: you whispered softly as he looked at you with a concerned expression, “about the baby...i-i-it’s...it’s yours.”

He stiffened for a moment, a million different expressions crossing his features as he looked between you and the sonograms and back at you. Opening and closing his mouth a few times, all he could manage was a small, “what?”

“I-I know I should have told you sooner, right when I found out and you came in,” you were crying now, a blubbering mess, “I just couldn’t do it...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all of this...you’re the only one I’ve been with in almost a year and I-I-I know it was a one night drunken thing, and I thought we were careful but this...just happened. I’m so sorry, Frankie.”

“It’s mine?” he asked softly as you nodded, watching as his eyes flicked to your still non-existent bump, “we’re having a baby? Together?”

“I-I know this isn’t what anything we expected,” you wiped at your eyes, “I-I don’t expect you to help or have anything to do with it, but I...I want to keep it…”

Frankie inhaled and exhaled deeply, setting the images back down before turning his attention to you. His gaze was on your face, eyes soft as ever before he closed the small distance between your bodies. Before you could ask what he was doing, his hands found your face, touching it tenderly for a few moments, almost as if he was asking you for permission, which you readily granted, before crashing his lips onto yours and kissing you deeply.

And it felt so...perfect. So natural as his arms wrapped around your waist and you put yours around his neck and held him close. He didn’t let you go, reluctant to part his lips from yours for even a moment, only doing so when you were left dizzy and breathless.

“I love you, Bee,” he whispered softly, chasing your lips with his own, “always you, for so long. It wasn’t supposed to be a one night stand, I just got so foolish and scared…”

“I love you, Francisco,” you promised, “you’ve been it for me for so long. I never thought…I never thought you would love me back. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be loved by you.”

“You’ve been loved by me for so long,” he promised, “you never had to wonder. I should have told you sooner.”

“Now is good,” you grinned at him, your head spinning with everything that was going on, “now is perfect.”

“Bee,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead, then your cheeks, stopping at your lips, “and Baby Bee. I couldn’t ask for anything better. I am so in love with you.”

“I love you more than anything,” you ran a hand through his dark locks, a few tears already spilling down your cheeks again. He beamed at you, gently wiping them away, “but, Frankie...you’re okay...with the baby? Keeping the baby?”

“Yes,” he whispered softly, his own eyes glistening with tears as he nodded, “yes. I want this...I’ve always wanted this. I want everything with you - you and only you.”

“Francisco…” you smiled, and just like that, you lit up his entire world, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he nuzzled his nose against yours as he breathed you in, “my Bee and Baby Bee. What more could I ever ask for?

»»————-　♡　————-««

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theinariakuma · 4 years ago

Text

First One to Know

Rated: SFW (Rated T for language, mentions of mensural cycle, and Pregnancy symptoms)

Obey Me!

Polyship! Female MC

Includes: Datables, Diavolo, and Simeon

This is based off the idea of how Female MC would tell each boy she was pregnant. They’re all the ”first to know” concept.

For precaution. All under the cut.

Lucifer:

She sat in the bath, huffing a bit before she sank her chin under the water. How does one tell Lucifer they're pregnant.

Lucifer was this... All powerful, all important person. While, yes, she could just tell him. It felt like she needed to do something else.

She had plans for everyone but him and Belphegor. They were the two more difficult brothers.

Part of her wanted to bring Diavolo into the planning to tell him, but she knew it would likely end up as a few things. A party, a big thing... And she didn't want anyone but Lucifer to know first.

"One of your daddies is going to drive me crazy." She spoke in a quiet time, fingers brushing over her stomach, it was far too early for anything beyond knowing there was a baby, but talking to them comforted her. "He's impossible to surprise."

With her luck, he'd know before her anyways.

So, she kept planning. Each idea fell flat in her mind. She'd been more focused on how to surprise Lucifer that she only half paid attention at RAD.

"Long day?" Lucifer often walked her home, just like cooking was Beel's time and Naps were Belphie's. The walk home belonged to Lucifer. He'd made a claim to it early in the start of the relationship.

"Mm something like that." She moved her arms around his neck, giving him a slow, happy kiss.

His hands drifted to her hips, gently holding her as he returned the kiss. The affection she showered him and his brothers with often caused them to relax. Years of pent up tension lovingly eased away by her.

It wasn't until half way home she noticed how his hand would occasionally drift up to her belly. She'd found herself unconsciously doing the same since she found out.

"You know!" She turned to look at him. Eyes narrowed as she pointed in his face.

The smirk on his face and the light joy in his gaze said everything.

"You knew! And I was going crazy trying to think of how to tell you!" She glared at him, but Lucifer just laughed.

"You didn't hide the test as well as you thought. Asmo saw the box."

Her cheeks went red and she began walking faster. Despite her annoyance, hearing his laughter made her smile. He was happy about the news.

Mammon:

She sat on the edge of her bed, fingers pulling and smoothing her skirt down.

"Alright, what's on ya mind? You keep doing that..." His hands began moving in a ringing motion, the way she was abusing the fabric of her skirt.

"I'm trying to think of how to tell you. You're... Well. I wanted you to know first. You were my first man after all..." The soft memory made a smile appear on her face.

Mammon quickly shut up as his cheeks began glowing red at the words. "Y-You bet your ass I am..." He muttered, eyes looking away.

"I... Well." She bit into her lower lip. "I'm pregnant."

Out of everything Mammon expected, that was the last thing he could have thought of. It did make sense. She was being shared by seven powerful demons. It wasn't too surprising that her birth control failed...

Mammon was hesitant, his fingers as gentle as possible, cupping her cheeks. "Say that again..." He was terrified. He was greedy and selfish, but oh how he wanted this. Wanted to be a dad, even if he didn't feel like he deserved to be one.

"I'm pregnant... You and the others are gonna be dads... And you're the first to kno--oh!" Mammon kissed her deeply, his fingers cradling her face as he cut her off, kissing her slowly, deeply. She couldn't see them yet, but the man was crying, he was so happy. She made him so happy and made him feel so loved.

Leviathan:

Fingers stroked the back of the girl laying against him. Her face tucked into his neck as she quietly dozed off. She'd lost interest in the anime about two episodes ago. Not that Levi blamed her, it was boring, but he was always one to finish a series... Well at least the season, no matter how dull or trash it was.

It was nice just being able to hold her.

His attention kept drifting to her, the woman was half curled up in his lap, her arms loosely wrapped around him, her breathing soft against his neck.

"Oi, Levi. You got more shit from Akuzon." Mammon didn't even bother knocking as he brought in the package.

"I didn't order anything." Levi's brow furrowed as he held his hand out. Mammon almost scoffed, but he wouldn't make him move. The dozing girl against him looked so peaceful.

"What is it then?" Mammon, being the jealousy boy he was, did not leave, much to Levi's annoyance. Today was his day with her.

Levi began opening the box, only to pause at the items. A box that held a smaller version of his game controller, some other miniatures, and a plastic sealed shirt. The invoice settled in the package told him that it indeed was not his order, but the girl in his arms.

"Why do you need a tiny controller?" Mammon asked, confused as he saw Levi looking at the box. There were more miniature size items inside the box that only furthered his confusion.

The soft giggles against his neck made Levi arch a brow. "I see you're awake. Want to explain?"

"Look at the shirt." She smiled and nuzzled into him after waving to Mammon.

Pulling up the white shirt wrapped in plastic, he saw the logo clear as day.

Black clouded his vision, the last thing he remembered was hearing the two cry out at him.

"Oh my god, Levi!"

"The fuck, man!"

The woman held her hands over her mouth, not expecting that reaction.

"He fainted." Her voice turned to soft giggles, "Only you Levi." She moved to gently lift his head, pulling him to lean into her, stroking his hair. Her poor nervous Otaku couldn’t handle the news.

Mammon got a glimpse at the shirt before shaking his head. "Course Levi would pass out over news like this." Part of him was both annoyed and amused. “I’m gonna tell everyone.” The grin appeared on his face as he snapped a picture to send to the group chat.

"Yeah. He would. He's so nervous like that." She chuckled, watching Mammon hold up the "Baby download in progress" shirt she bought to send a picture to it to the rest of the guys.

"I'm glad. Ya know, to be here. Even though ya probably meant to do it alone with him." Her cheek leaned into Mammon's touch, the Avatar of Greed moved to stroke her cheek as he crouched down next to her, staying with her as she stroked Levi's hair, waiting on him to wake up from his unconscious state.

Satan:

Satan felt his temple pulse as he was growing steadily more annoyed and angry.

Three times today alone she's avoided him. He was growing to detest sharing her with his siblings if this was how she was going to act.

He loved the woman, she was his kitten, sweet and loving. Yet the past week or so she'd been acting off. That off act had soon turned to her avoiding him and he wanted to fucking know why.

His eyes narrowed a bit as he glimpsed her and Lucifer talking.

Somehow, some way. This was Lucifer's fault.

He'd rather blame Lucifer then believe that she was willingly avoiding him. So he waited until she left off to who knows where again to go to Lucifer's study.

"What did you say to her that is making her avoid me?" The dark aura coming off the blond was dense, his wrath was dense and when Lucifer looked up from his desk he was surprised that the blond wasn't in his demon form with that much anger.

"I haven't said anything, Satan." His eyes narrowed. Their little human and he had been working on a contract for her to allow her to stay as a contracted ambassador for Diavolo for the Human world... So she could stay.

The past week she'd been insistent about getting this done as soon as possible.

"You're lying!" That was all it took before his tail whipped out, lashing at the desk separating them once his demon form came out. Breathing heavy as the desk and all of its paperwork went everywhere.

"She won't even look at me! She avoids me! And you're the only one who would tell her anything!"

The crash had startled her, she'd gone to grab some tea for her and Lucifer.

A while ago she'd noticed she'd missed her period. For her it wasn't too unusual for it to be a little late, however when one week turned to three. She began worrying.

Earlier in the week, she'd taken a pregnancy test and well... It came back positive. All of them did, actually.

Anxiety had filled her to the point she started avoiding Satan because he could read her like an open book... And well, she was scared. What if he wasn't happy? What if the others weren't happy?

She wanted Satan to be the first to know out of the brothers. He'd quickly become someone she could always rely on and he was almost as patient as Asmo and Mammon with her--despite their quirks.

However, her stress began raising as she realized she was two months off from the end of the exchange program. She wanted everything to be settled for her to stay... She didn't want to stress any of them out more than what the first bit of news would do.

The last thing she wanted was someone yelling at Diavolo And putting Lucifer in a bad place stuck between her, his brothers, and his loyalty to Diavolo.

"Satan, stop!" She saw him pinning Lucifer up to the bookshelf, hissing low as his tail whipped around.

She didn't dare go further in. Satan would never intentionally harm her, but she didn't want to risk it accidentally.

"Why should I?" Blonde hair and vivid green eyes turned to her, pain and fury in his gaze. "Since you'd rather abandon me for him anyways! You've done nothing but avoid me! Something is wrong with you and you refuse to tell me!"

"Satan, you need to calm--"

"Oh, shut up, Lucifer!" His anger diverted back towards his elder brother. Surprisingly, Lucifer was not fighting back against his assault.

"Because I'm pregnant!"

Both demons were looking at her now, Satan's hands slipping from where they were once clenched in Lucifer's shirt.

"What?" The breathless tone. Neither demon suddenly knowing what to do.

"I found out earlier this week. I wasn't avoiding you because I was upset at you. I was avoiding you because I was scared because I knew you'd ask what's wrong. I knew I never could... Never would want to lie to you or the others... I needed to figure things out."

"That's why you've been so insistent about getting this contract done quickly." Lucifer's voice was just as awed and breathless.

All seven of the brothers shared her. And a baby... Her getting pregnant was really the last thing any of them thought of.

"I was going to finish this... Then tell you."

Satan's demon form almost melted away, hesitating as he went to her, fingers moving to cradle her face. "Tell me?"

"I was going to tell you first... Then the others... But I needed to be sure I could stay first. That... Diavolo wouldn't have to send me home. That you guys wouldn't put Lucifer in a bad spot... That he wouldn't be stuck in a bad spot, between his duty to Diavolo and me and you guys..." Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

"You silly, amazing, foolish, stubborn human." His forehead pressed to hers, his shoulders beginning to tremble as a sob left him.

Satan hadn't expected that. He didn't expect her to try and take on so much to give him such peace of mine.

Lucifer didn't approach yet, he'd talk to her...let his own emotions out later. Right now, this was between her and Satan.

"I'm going to be a dad."

"You all are." She closed her eyes. "You all are fathers. And the first time I hear any of you arguing over who's the blood father of the baby, I'm going to be mad."

Arms pulled her close, awe was still flooding him, unsure of what to say or what to do... Just knowing that he loved her so much.

"I'm sorry, Lucifer." His voice was low and it was only then that he approached the two.

"It's alright, Satan. I understand why... Our little human tends to drive us all a bit crazy and quick to act without thinking." Lucifer moved to press a kiss to her knuckles, not pulling either out of their embrace. "You need your rest now. You can tell the others later, but right now, you need your rest. When I sort out..." Lucifer sighed as he looked to the destroyed desk, "That. I'll bring the paperwork to you and I'll contact Diavolo. We're not letting you leave.. I refuse to let you go as much as Satan and the others will."

Satan began gently ushering her out the door, energy zapped after such a cold splash of reality diffusing his anger. They'd both get some rest... He wasn't going to let her leave his arms for a while.

Asmodeus:

Asmodeus was nothing if not perceptive. While he did not always show it, he did make sure to always pay attention. So when his little darling was a bit easier to excite than usual, he noticed.

Eyes softened as he saw her. Out of all the brothers, Asmo was the softest with her. He liked the soft touches, forehead kisses and hair stroking, things that were intimate but not so much sexual.

He loved sex, he would never deny that, but him offing intimate affection outside of sex was both something he did for just anyone.

"What's in the bag? Did you go shopping without me?" Lips moved into a pout at his darling as she just laughed and gave him a soft kiss.

"I promise you'll like this gift and be less annoyed and pouty after you see it."

"I don't like when you shop without me." He huffed a bit, pulling her into the bed with him. She just laughed and snuggled back against him, letting him fuss with the sealed gift bag for a moment.

Despite his general nature of liking to surprise people, Asmodeus hated surprises.

Yet, when he tugged the tissue out of the bag and pulled out what he thought was a T shirt, his heart stopped.

A soft pink onesie. It was tiny, made for a newborn sized infant. On it was careful handwriting stating, 'Of course I'm cute, look at my Daddy.'

"You..." Words, for once, escaped him.

A squeak left the woman as she found herself pinned under the Avatar of Lust, kisses peppering all over her face.

"You beautiful, amazing woman... I can't.." he was choked up, unable to form proper sentences as he pressed soft kisses over every inch of her face, the final one ending at her lips, drawing her into a slow, lingering kiss.

He never knew such happiness before.

Beelzebub:

Beelzebub loved cooking for his little human. His two greatest joys next to spending time with his brothers. It was a routine between them. On their days to cooks, they spent time together. He may have had to share her, but he would claim these moments happily and selfishly.

However, recently he noticed how her face would go pale and she'd rush off. The smell of his cooking bad been making her sick.

"I'm okay, I promise." Her words were soft, but he knew she wasn't feeling the best after getting sick.

When it became a consistent issue, he began truly worrying. Not only was his sweet human sick but his cooking caused it. Had his his cooking gotten as bad as Solomon's?

"Are you sick? Do I need to get a doctor? Let me get Lucifer!"

"Beel, baby. I'm okay."

"You can't keep food down... Is my cooking bad?"

"Oh Beel, baby... No." Her hands reached up to touch his cheeks, he leaned down so she could touch him easier. "This isn't your fault. I suspected it, but I didn't know until this morning."

His eyes were lit up with confusion. Didn’t know what?

"I'm having a baby, Beel. You guys are going to be dads."

The awe on his face before he swept her up into his arms, laughing and nuzzling into her Affectionately making her laugh. He was both relieved and excited.

Belphegor:

Belphegor was currently snuggled up to his precious human. Despite being probably the laziest of the brothers, he was also one of the smartest. It was why he got along with Satan so much and why he also clashed with Lucifer... Well that and several reasons.

He'd noticed it very quickly, probably before she did. She was usually full of life and energy. However the past couple of weeks she'd been exhausted, not quite to his level of sleep, but enough that people were worried.

However, pressed into her for their naps, he noticed several things, her temperature was not up, so no fever. And areas of her body were more sensitive.

"Come on. It's dinner time." He nudged her after Beel texted him. "We can come back upstairs after eating. I know you're tired."

She almost whined in protest, "I'm not really hungry. My stomach has been pretty upset when I eat." She thought maybe it was just her period about to start.

Belphie sat up and gazed at her, "Are you pregnant?"

Her lips parted before shutting again. A thoughtful look on her face. "What day is it today?"

Arching a brow, "The tenth."

He watched her face for a few more moments before looking at him, "I... Maybe?" She hesitated. She hadn't even thought about it. "I am late this month. I thought maybe it was stress? It wouldn’t have been the first time I was late because I was stressed out."

Belphie sighed and drew her up into his arms, causing her to snuggle into him more.

"Can we... Go after dinner to pick up a test? I don't wanna say anything to the others until we're sure." She snuggled against him, her mind warming with exhaustion again. She just wanted to stay here and go back to sleep.

"Yeah, of course." He dropped a kiss to her brow. "Any idea who the father would be?"

The question earned a smack to his chest.

"What?" He saw her annoyed glare.

"All of you. And if you ask that again, I'm going to yank your tail next time." Despite her annoyance, it made him smile to see her so protective of everyone, calling them all the fathers.

"Alright. You're right." He sighed and moved to get up, pulling her along. "Food then the run to the shop.... If it is, can we tell Lucifer last?"

She rolled her eyes, taking the lead as she tugged him by his hand.

Later that evening, when the three little tests all came back positive, she just gave Belphegor a look. "How the fuck--"

"You're exhausted, constantly. And sensitive. But you're not squirming like when you’re on your period,” She was almost always uncomfortable, and always wanted to munch on something. Not that he or Beel minded, “or running a fever.... And you haven't been really wanting to eat."

"I can't tell who's more observant, you or Lucifer at this point." Lucifer magically knew what they were doing so often she'd tease him about spying, yet it seemed Belphie was just as observant if not more so.

"It's kinda funny. You knew before even I noticed." She laughed a bit, earning a smile from him.

Diavolo:

Diavolo was a special sort of person, and to say she was surprised he was willing to share her, was massively down playing it.

The Prince had truly been a man with a golden heart and a fist of steel if pushed enough.

"Barbados did mention I had a little bird in my office." His laugh was low, the large man moving to look at the girl who was currently leaning against his desk. "Lucifer was nearly panicking when someone mentioned you weren't home."

She blinked in surprise before pulling out her D.D.D. "Woops. I forgot to turn the sound back on." She was gonna get a lecture about that later, she just knew it.

"Now, Princess, why are you waiting on me and not letting Lucifer know?" A large hand stroked her cheek, causing her to lean into his touch.

"Cause he'd ask why and I wanted you to know first?" Bright, soft eyes gazing up at him as her hands moved to gently hold his hand. After a moment she moved his hand from her face to her abdomen.

There was a moment, a pause before it clicked. Golden eyes seemed to grow brighter. "Are you sure?"

The way her smile grew only caused a massive one to spread across his face. Politics be damned, he was too happy about this.

He moved to pull the smaller woman into his arms, holding her close.

Simeon:

Being an Angel meant a few things, even if Simeon knew he was on a path of damnation like Lucifer and his siblings had.

He loved the woman currently snuggled in his bed, his fingers ran through her hair as his gaze softened.

A new life was blossoming.

A new life that belonged to them. He didn't care about the lineage, it was still his child within her, whether he sired them or not.

Fingers carefully caressed along her body, the touch was intimate and soft, just admiring her. Tonight she was with him in Purgatory Hall before she'd go back to the House of Lamentation.

"Mmm... Morning, Simeon." Her voice was groggy and soft. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Very well, my feather." He whispered as he leaned down. "I love you." He nuzzled into her soft hair, earning a soft, happy noise.

"You're so lovey this morning. Did I miss something?" She ran her fingers through his hair.

"You're pregnant, love." His words were soft in her ear and just the honesty of it stole her breath. "It's a very new life, but I noticed this morning."

Fear flooded her first but then joy did. Because even if she was scared, even if she was nervous, she had Simeon and the others. "Are you happy? I”m a little scared... but happy."

"I am happy. Because this is ours... Yours, mine, and the others. And have no doubts they'll be as excited as I am. Even if they are a bit scared."

Simeon was as terrified as she was, he was an Angel that broke all the rules, teetering the edge of falling from grace. Lucifer was one that had already fallen and was now a demon... A powerful one.

But he knew, no matter their fears, hers or theirs, they'd love her and their child. No matter what. And nothing would ever harm them.

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jinxedpanda4life · 4 years ago

Text

DamiRae Hospital AU?

No I am not writing one, if I could write well I would though! So here are some HCs for a hospital AU. If someone decides to write this then I’ll be your first reader. Also I am sort of basing things off of Grey’s Anatomy just a bit and my limited knowledge of the medical field.

- Starts of as 1st year residents, specialties may vary

- The “Titans” are residents and 1st years that show great promise, this doesn’t really play a role its just what people call them behind their backs

- Dr. Kori Anders is a OBGYN (women parts and birth) resident, a year or two away from finishing

- Dr. Richard “Dick” Grayson is is a surgery resident, trained by the hospital owner Bruce Wayne (who is a world renowned surgeon, has awards, etc), specifically general surgery

- Dr. Garfield Logan is pediatrician (kid doctor) res, bonds well with kids, but is considering going back to school to become a vet instead

- Dr. Jaime Reyes is an oncology (cancer doctor), having had cancer as a teen and is now forever trying to rid the world of it, works mostly with kids and teens

- Dr. Jonathan Kent is a physical therapist that works with pain management. Up beat guy and is always trying to brighten his patient’s lives.

- Dr. Damian Wayne is a surgical intern, blood thirsty little thing, hoping to become a neurosurgeon (brain, spine) (or cardiothoracic (heart, lungs) both are competitive)

- Dr. Raven Roth is an anesthesiologist (the drug person that knocks you out) and is starting her surgical internship (she wanted to do more than just help people get high essentially or whatever) has no current preference for any specific surgical field

- Add in characters:

-- Dr. Jason Todd, trauma surgeon (fits too well)

-- Dr. Timothy Drake diagnostician (medical detective basically)

-- Dr. Donna Troy gynecologist

-- Terra Markov is a nurse (i don’t like Terra but nurses are the actual best)

- Story stuff:

- Damian and Raven meet as they are put under the guidance of the same resident

-Damian has an automatic dislike for Raven because she knows everyone already and is equally, if not much more, knowledgable about surgery, the OR, the ER, protocol, etc He also thinks she is cold because she rarely shows emotion (pot kettle Damian)

- Raven can always be found in the medical archives researching old cases and studying new ones, Damian stumbles upon her when looking for an old cardiomegaly case (enlarged heart).

- Raven gets along with all of the past ‘Robins’ making her a go to intern

- Garfield can be seen whenever he is not needed trying to flirt with Nurse Markov and often goes to Raven to sulk

- Damian and Raven are always early to pre-rounds and are typically the first ones there (usually early in the morning, getting there before 500)

- Jon bumps into Damian more often than not and they start becoming friends (Damian is reluctant at first and is still you know Damian about everything), Damian even recommends patients to him

- Though Damian doesn’t want to really ‘hang out’ with anyone he reluctantly hangs out with the Titans, because of Jon and Dick

- When in a large group when at a bar, club or whatever Damian tends to stay close to Raven because 1) they actually have things to talk about 2) she isn’t loud

- Raven & Damian are both assigned to a case that is frankly befuddling and have to start spending long nights and early mornings together to figure it out

- Over that period of time they learn things about each other:

-- Raven learns:

Damian has a dog (Titus) and cat (Alfred)

He is single (Kori told her) and lives in an apartment close to the hospital

He has lived in various countries

He is trained in multiple martial arts

He prefers his tea with brown sugar and a slice of lemon

His eyes are a true emerald color with a ring of gold and flecks scattered within

He may hide it well but when Raven compliments him he becomes flustered

He speaks to himself in Arabic when he curses, trying to remember something, doesn’t want anyone to know what he is saying

He isn’t always an asshole

When he actually smiles a true and genuine smile, she has heart palpitations

-- Damian learns:

Raven has two tattoos (neither are a bird), a gang tat (she is saving up to get it removed), and a mantra in Azarathian; Azarath Metrion Zinthos

She immigrated from Azarath when she was around 8

Her notes are in Azarathian

She actually feels a lot of emotion and knows how to control them

If she is not reading about a current or past case she is reading any book or file she can get her hands on, he has caught her reading in multiple different languages; Azarathian, English, French, Russian, Arabic, Dutch, Mandarin, (could be more or less)

She lives alone and has a cat, Nevermore, and thanks to Dick he already knew she was single

She likes all tea, no matter how prepared, but prefers the sweetener to be honey

Her hair is black but shines purple, especially under the ER lights

Her eyes are a purple that at first glance look blue, like Elizabeth Taylor, he realizes though her eyes are galaxies on their own

When she smiles the world actually stops moving, her eyes shine like stars and he never wants the world to start moving again

She always wears a necklace with a gold and ruby ring at all times (it was her mother’s wedding ring)

- When Damian starts having le feelings for Raven he considers actually seeking medical advice as this has never happened to him before

- Raven tries her best to contain her feelings when at work, going so far as one day a month staying home just to scream, cry and feel her feelings

- It does not help that new feelings towards Damian start popping up, especially since he starts bringing her tea and hanging out with her at work

- During the middle of their 2nd year of residency someone holds Raven hostage in the hospital to fix someone that person loves (this person had connections to Trigon and knew who Raven was)

- That was not a fun time for either Damian or Raven; Damian was outside the hospital pacing trying to figure something out with the other Titans trying to calm themselves and him down

- Shots are fired and when all is said and done, Raven gets shot in the abdomen and the hand (she was in ICU for a hot sec)

- Damian seemed to be there every time Raven woke up, he was always checking on her during rounds even though he wasn’t on her case

- Raven did have to have surgery on her hand and in her abdomen (idk where i’m not getting that specific), she hated being, in her words, coddled

- Even though Raven was right handed (the one that got shot) she learned how to do everything, writing, eating, going to the bathroom, etc. (many of the other residents are impressed since she keeps working on it after her other hand heals)

- Raven’s room also becomes a space for other residents to destress and just vent about their day. She listens and gives advice, all without looking up from whatever she was doing.

- During this time Raven becomes hooked on Pretty Pretty Pegasus

- Raven’s room is also full of cards, flowers, etc all from fellow staff and some from patients. When she leaves (she spends a couple weeks in thanks to multiple surgeries, recovery, and other minor injuries) all of the gifts litter her apartment, the cards end up in a box by her desk, she presses the flowers, and stuffed animals are donated to children’s shelter (she keeps some that she has grown attached to)

- During this time Damian is more of an ass than usual (people notice and tease him)

- Damian at some points keeps working without breaks/sleep for hours on end. Dick pulls him aside after noticing, scolds and forces him to sleep in one of the on call rooms. (He really wanted him to go home, but Damian wasn’t leaving)

- Once Raven was discharged Damian and Garfield help her back home (clothes + gifts + Raven w/a healing hand/other injuries = need help) the other Titans would have helped but were needed at the hospital

- Garfield leaves after dropping off Raven and Damian (and her stuff) as he is called in on a Peds case (could be fake, may not be) and Raven & Damian spend the rest of the time basically watching terrible movies. (with Nevermore sitting on both of them)

- That is the night Damian realizes that not only does he like Raven, but he like likes her. He starts devising plans on how to get her to date him.

- All his plans basically are thrown out the window because of one reason or another (he kept overthinking it)(poor guy)

- It is not until their 3rd year of residency that Raven realizes her feelings towards Damian (Have I made it clear she likes him? I can’t remember...)

- She realizes her feelings when she has to crash at his place for a night (because he lives ridiculously close to the hospital, like how expensive is that??) and he tries to make sure that she is as comfortable as possible

- She never realized how much he cared for her? Like she was always helping him out and there for him but she never realized he reciprocated that care? *Shocker*

- Raven becomes kind of a mess because of all her emotions that she is trying to bottle up. (all the corks are disintegrating and the jar is overflowing)

- Raven is during her Ortho rotation (bone surgeon people, they are cool, ik from experience) that she actually gets a good release for her emotions (setting peoples bones and drilling and hammering in pins is actually therapeutic)

- Raven thinks that may be the specialty she chooses

- Damian saw her as a mess and could not fathom why she was said mess, he figured it was about a romantic interest after someone made an offhand comment about her love life and she became a blubbering mess (very un-Raven like)

- After all of well *motions with hands* that Raven asks why Damian doesn’t have a s/o or someone

- He says there is only person that he has been meaning to ask out (looks pointedly at Raven)

- All Raven says is “Go for it.”

And that is where my HCs end. Now if anyone who happens upon this post decides to write a Medical AU with any of these please tag me, tell me, message me.

You do not have to give me credit, I just want to read it.

This took me a couple of days to write up, so if it is disjointed I apologize.

If anything needs to be corrected for any reason let me know!

I hope this fuels some imaginations!

-I may post more HC AU things if they come to mind, we will have to see.

#damirae #damian x raven #demonbirds #teen titans #raven #damian wayne #rachel roth #headcanon #medical au #au

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tchallasbabymama · 4 years ago

Text

Slow Down

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovelies! Here’s Chapter 10 of Playlist, I hope y’all enjoy it. It’s a long one.

Let me know if you want to be tagged in any of my stories, and take a look at my masterlist HERE to check out the rest of my work.

Word count: ~12,800

CW: smut

T’Challa snuck away from the palace and made his way through the city completely unnoticed under the cover of darkness. He turned his hoverbike off the busy street and made his way to the end of the cul de sac before hopping off and knocking on the door. Chidi answered and let the king in, looking behind him to make sure nobody noticed him.

“T’Challa, what is this about?” Bisa came around the corner as her husband smiled back at her.

“He has something important to ask us, dear.” he winked and she perked up, immediately catching his drift.

“Come, sit down. Would you like some tea? I’ll make tea,” she said as she scrambled off to the kitchen.

T’Challa sat and fiddled with his fingers until Bisa came back with the red tea and sat down. Chidi was tickled by the king’s anxiety since he already knew what was coming.

The king cleared his throat, “Chidi, Bisa...As you know, I love Ashanti very much-”

Bisa unsuccessfully tried to hold in a squeal, and T’Challa couldn’t help but crack a smile. He knew they knew what he had to say, but it still had to be said.

“-and it would be my honor if you would give me your blessing to marry-”

“Yes!” Bisa jumped up and hugged him.

“He wasn’t finished, Bisa,” Chidi chuckled at his wife.

“Oh he got the main point out,” she waved him off and pulled T’Challa in for another hug.

“Well, my wife speaks for both of us, son,” he pulled him in for a hug as well.

The three of them sat down for tea and T’Challa answered all of their questions about royal weddings.

“We’ll have a private ceremony first, just between us and Bast and the Ancestors. The second day will be the public wedding, and the third will be her coronation.”

“And what part do we play in all this?”

“You two have an integral role in each day. You two will lead the pre-wedding rituals the day of the private ceremony, and during the public ceremony our parents must bless the union by giving us away. N’Jadaka will be standing in for my father that day, but as an elder you have to be the one to bless me during the ritual, Chidi. Finally, during Ashanti’s coronation you two will be the ones to crown her.”

“Wow...I-I don’t know if I can be in front of all those people,” Chidi wondered aloud.

“I promise, it's not as scary as you think it is, and if it is a serious problem, Shuri can always give you some Vibax to calm you down.”

“Anything for my baby girl,” Chidi let out a huff as Bisa grabbed his hand.

“So how will you ask her?”

A huge smile appeared on T’Challa’s face.

“Well, as the king, it is customary for me to present my intended with a crown of my own design, and I figured that since she loves American movies so much I should also get her a ring.”

“Why a ring?”

“It is an American thing, the women are presented with a diamond ring for their marriage proposals.”

“Ah. I think she would like that”

“Have you started designing her crown yet?”

He beamed from ear to ear and pulled the projection up on his beads. Their jaws dropped as tears came to Bisa’s eyes.

“My baby...a queen.”

--------

A week later, Ashanti was at Taj’s feeling overwhelmed with all her work. She had been having trouble focusing all week and got next to nothing accomplished so she decided to take a nap and hope the inspiration could come to her. She packed up her things and headed out to the front of the store. It was moderately busy, but she knew her two employees could handle just about anything. In fact, she was thinking about letting them run the store completely so she could focus full-time on her jewelry. She would discuss it with them another time.

“Hey Z, I’m heading out.”

“You ok? You look tired.”

“I just need a nap. If you two need anything-”

“You’re just a call away, we know. Go on and get some rest,” Jafari called to her from where he was fixing the paint brush display.

She decided to stop by Zana Cafe before she went home since she knew she wouldn’t feel like cooking later. As soon as she plopped down in the booth her dad descended.

“What’s up nugget?”

“Just tired and bloated and bleh.”

“That time, huh?”

“Yeah I guess so, I’m a little early though.”

“Better than late!” Chidi joked and they laughed until Ashanti got a whiff of something from the kitchen and gagged before running off to the bathroom. Bisa saw her daughter dash by as she came out of the kitchen.

“Is she ok?” she asked, concern written all over her face.

“Maybe she’s sick…”

Bisa went in to check on her babygirl and she was there on the floor, heaving up everything she had eaten that day. She put the back of her hand to her clammy forehead to feel for a fever, but felt nothing.

“I think my period is coming early,” Ashanti was able to get out despite the soreness of her throat.

“I thought the birth control took care of your nausea, though,” Bisa mused while tying her daughter’s hair back.

Ashanti’s eyes flew open.

“Fuck! No, no, no, no-” she jumped up, still lightheaded, and paced around the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Bisa slowly made her way up from the floor, concerned even more. Chidi knocked on the door after hearing the commotion and came in to check on his baby girl.

“Is everything ok in here?”

“N-no, I...I...I was so swamped with work I got my shot a week late.”

“Your shot? What sh-...Oh my Bast.” the realization dawned on Chidi right as the door chimed to signal a new customer. “I’ll be back,” he pointed to Ashanti then turned around to greet the customer and take their order.

When he left Ashanti broke down crying in her mother’s arms.

“What’s wrong sithandwa?”

“Mama, what if I’m pregnant?”

“Then you’re pregnant.” Bisa shrugged.

“But I-I’m not ready, T’Challa and I-” she gasped, a realization dawning on her, “T’Challa can’t have a child out of wedlock, he’s already pushing it too far by being with me in the first place. This, this could-”

Bisa shushed her and held her close, wishing she could ease her daughter’s mind with the secret she had to hold onto.

“It’ll be ok baby, I promise. Besides, you don’t know for sure yet.”

Bisa knew for sure, her daughter was pregnant.

“I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow, I think I need to lay down for now.”

Ashanti leaned into her mom and took a deep breath.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home.” Bisa ushered her daughter out of the restaurant and into her car. She got them back to Ashanti’s house in no time flat and when Ashanti turned to look at her mother before getting out there were tears in her eyes.

“Sithandwa, it will be ok, I promise.” She kissed her forehead and Ashanti slid out of the car. She turned to wave her mother off after she opened her door. When she turned and entered she could have thrown up again from the smell.

“What is that?!” she wretched as she walked towards the kitchen.

“What do you mean? The food? It’s your favorite!” Binta looked up from stirring her oxtails.

“It smells like bloody dirty socks.”

“Ew, what the fuck?”

“I just-” she gagged again and ran out of the room. She was fine once she got upstairs away from the smell, but she lit a scented candle Kwame had given her, just to be sure. She stripped down to her underwear and laid across her bed, arms resting on her lower abdomen. Tears started running down to her ears as she let the emotions wash over her.

She didn’t need a test, she knew. Ashanti’s anxieties took over as she worried over the council’s reaction but most importantly she worried about his reaction. They had wanted more time to themselves and didn’t plan on having kids for a couple more years at least, yet here she was, growing his seed.

His seed. T’Challa’s baby. Ashanti giggled through her tears and rubbed her belly, thinking about how good of a baba he’d be. She had always hoped for a girl, but she’d love a little mini T running around just as much. Just as she started to daydream about him talking to her belly, her beads started trilling with her love’s special tone. She sat up and answered the call, allowing the communication bead to slide down her hand.

When he appeared in front of her his face instantly cheered her up.

“Hey baby.”

“What’s wrong?”

She was taken aback by how easily he sensed something was off. It would be harder than she thought to keep this to herself until she knew for sure. She would definitely have to talk to Binta after this.

“I’ll tell you later. Tomorrow hopefully.”

His brows furrowed in confusion, but he let it go knowing she’d tell him when she was ready.

“I haven’t seen you in a few days, I miss you.”

He sighed, “I miss you too. I have been busy and just so exhausted... I think I’m coming down with something-”

She shot up from her position on the bed.

“What are your symptoms?” she asked cautiously.

He was confused by her sudden intensity, but continued nevertheless, “I’ve just been so tired all day, and that hardly ever happens. I’ve been sleeping just fine, so I don’t know what the issue is. And I got nauseous earlier, which makes so sense. I must be sick, but I feel fine otherwise.”

She went quiet.

“Are you ok, love?”

“Y-yeah, I just...I need to tell you something.” tears welled up in her eyes. “Can you come over?”

T’Challa’s eyebrows furrowed in concern, but of course he agreed and was there in 10 minutes.

Binta let him in and his stomach turned at the smell of the oxtails still cooking on the stove before taking the stairs two at a time and knocking on Ashanti’s door. He twisted the doorknob and grew uneasy when he saw her pacing back and forth around her room.

“Kitten, talk to me,” he went over and wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into him before kissing her temple. She turned around and he saw the tears in her eyes threatening to fall.

“I haven’t confirmed it yet, but I,” she grabbed his hand and placed it over her womb. “I’m pregnant, T’Challa.”

His head tilted to the side as he felt the slight firmness of her lower abdomen.

“I don’t understand-...how?”

“One: you’ve never pulled out of anything a day in your life, and two: I was a week late getting my shot. I didn’t think it would be an issue since you had yours, but-” she started crying again and he wiped her tears away.

“Don’t cry, kitten. Look at me,” he held her face in his hands and smiled down at her. “You’re really pregnant?”

“Ye- T’Challa!”

He picked her up and swung her around.

“Bast! You- you’re so beautiful,” he gazed at her slightly rounder face. He had noticed she put on a couple pounds, but he assumed it was “happy weight”. He could kick himself for not seeing it sooner.

“I’m going to be a baba?” he asked while peppering her face with kisses.

She couldn’t help but smile at his joy and his tickling kisses, “Yes, Challa.”

“Thank you,” he looked at her with tears in his eyes and pulled her in for a deep kiss. They pulled back and just stared at each other as he rubbed her belly.

“The council-”

“Fuck the council, you’re having my baby!”

“She what?!” they heard from outside the door.

Binta had been walking by on the way to her room and since the door hadn’t closed all the way she overheard his exclamation.

“Binta, I-”

“That explains the oxtail. Girl I thought you had gone crazy, but oh my Bast! You're pregnant?”

“I’m like 99% sure-”

“Oh she’s definitely pregnant,” T’Challa said with a smug smile on his face and Ashanti hit his chest.

“Have you taken a test? How far along do you think you are?”

Ashanti went and grabbed her friend’s hand in hers.

“Don’t be Binta the doula right now, just be Binta my best friend for a moment.”

The two squealed and Binta hugged her friend tight.

“You’re going to be such a good mama,” she said with tears threatening to fall as she turned to hug the king, “and you’re going to be such a good baba.”

“Thanks girl.”

“Thank you, Binta.”

“So, despite what I said a minute ago, I was wondering...would you be my doula?”

“T-they don’t have special royal doulas?”

Ashanti turned and looked at T’Challa questioningly.

“You are the special royal doula. I’m the king, my word is law,” he shrugged as Ashanti’s arms made their way around his neck and she pulled him in for a hug.

“Thank you Challa!”

“Anything for you, kitten.”

“Wow,” Binta looked on, trying to blink the tears away. “Well, I’ll give mama and baba some privacy, just let me know if you need anything.”

“Of course.”

Binta squeezed her hand one last time before leaving and closing the door behind her.

“I have a surprise for you.”

“Challaaa-” she complained.

“I know, I know, but I promise it’s a good one,” he kissed her forehead then her nose then her lips. “Let’s go back to the palace.”

She threw on her clothes and the two of them walked hand-in-hand out to his hoverbike.

“Is this thing safe for, you know-”

“It’s safe, I made it myself.”

That immediately quelled her fears so she hopped on behind him and they took off. They made it to the palace in no time flat and he escorted her up to his quarters.

“Stay here, I’ll be back.” he left back down the elevators and Ashanti made herself comfortable on the bed. She ended up falling asleep and was awakened by his kiss about an hour later. Her eyes blinked open and she was met with the sight of candles everywhere with soft music playing in the background.

[Skip Marley]

Slow down

Let me love you

Darling, I care

I care for you

More than my own self

Darling, I'll share

I'll share with you

All goodness and wealth

“Challa, what is this?” she asked through a yawn.

“Just the beginning, my love.” he kissed her cheek and went to his closet and came back out with her favorite dress. “Put this on and meet me downstairs.”

[Skip Marley]

Seh, we can have just one night

Or we can one whole life

If we play it cool, yeah

We can have that one thing

Or we can have everything

If our hearts are true

Girl, slow down

Let me love you

Darling, slow down

Let me get to know you

“Where downstairs?”

“You’ll know!” he said as he jogged out of the room, quickly closing the door behind him.

Ashanti shook her head and stared at her flowy red dress with double leg slits, “What is he up to now?”

She stepped into her dress and zipped up the side, checking herself out in his mirrors and grabbing the gold sandals she usually paired with it. She added a little jewelry and checked her hair before heading towards the door. When she opened it she was caught by surprise by a trail of violet petals leading an open elevator door. She got in and the doors closed before taking her down to the main floor, playing the same song that she heard in his room.

When she got out she could hear the music playing throughout the palace, and she continued to follow the violet petals when she came upon Ramonda and Shuri with huge smiles on their faces.

“You look gorgeous, dear.”

“Thank you,” she blushed. “Do you have any idea what T’Challa is up to?”

“Of course we do, but we're not telling you,” Shuri teased, falling into step behind the other two women and pulling up her beads to secretly record.

They walked through the palace in comfortable silence when Ashanti saw her parents near the door to the gardens.

“What are you two doing here?” she ran and hugged them.

Chidi shrugged and held out the crook of his arm for his daughter to take, and she looped her arm through his. The five of them walked through the gardens, following the purple petal road through the hedge maze. Ashanti’s heart beat faster with every step she took and she nearly burst into tears when she saw Kwame and Binta.

“Didn’t I just see you like five minutes ago?,” Ashanti joked, greeting Binta for the second time that night. Kwame pulled her in for a tight hug and she nuzzled into his chest. She knew why her friends and family were here and she couldn’t be more thankful for being surrounded by all their love.

Ramonda and Bisa grabbed her hands and walked her into the center of the maze.

[H.E.R.]

Seh, uh

Baby, I've been fantasizing

Just looking in your eyes

You know I'm looking for more

And you're what I've been praying for

This kind of love don't come around like this

I'm not one to play around like this, it's so real

And I love how it feels

I love it when we slowly sway

I love it when we think the same thing

I love the way we move

The way we move

T’Challa stood there looking crisp as ever in his Bast-tailored black suit with his panther necklace out over his red shirt instead of a tie or scarf. Tears came to her eyes at seeing him wear her tribe’s colors as she took in the scene around them.

The violet petals stopped in front of a pedestal with an intricate wooden box sitting atop it. He walked over to her and grabbed her hand, leading her over to the pedestal.

We can have every night, yeah

We can have every day

Ooh, I want you too

I need you

“Ashanti...kitten,” everyone in attendance aww’d with the exception of Shuri of course, whose face twisted up in disgust at the nickname. “You mean the world to me, and you have ever since I walked into your store that day. I know you already know what I’m going to say-”

She nodded, “Mhm, but go on anyway.”

[Skip Marley & H.E.R.]

Darling, slow down

Slow down, slow down

Let me love you

Slow down

Slow down, slow down

Let me get to know you, yeah

Baby, slow down

Everyone laughed, but there wasn’t a single dry eye in that maze.

“Ashanti Iman Mostafa-”

“Yes?” She asked through tears. Everything was happening so fast, first a baby, now this, but she knew in her heart what she wanted.

“Will you do me the honor of being my queen?” He opened the box for her and she audibly gasped.

“T’Challa! I- Oh my Bast, it’s beautiful,” tears streamed down her face as she looked at what was to be her crown. “Yes, yes of course baby.”

“You’ll marry me?”

“Yes!”

[Skip Marley & H.E.R.]

I wanna see you tomorrow

Not just the thrill of today

Don't let our love just be borrowed, no

This is the choice that we take

Girl, slow down

Let me love you

(I need you, you, you)

Darling, slow down

Let me get to know you

Let me get to know you now darling

Hey, we can have just one night

Or we can one whole life

If we play it cool, yeah

Cool (So cool, oh)

We can have that one thing

(We can have that one thing)

Or we can have everything

(We can have everything)

If our hearts are true

Yeah, girl, slow down

Their families cheered and Ramonda held up her hand so they could see N’Jadaka’s and Nakia’s holograms broadcasting from the Outreach Center.

All the noise was lost on Ashanti and T’Challa who might as well have been alone in their own little world.

“I have one more thing for you.”

“More?”

He laughed, “Yes, more. I’ll give it to you once we get back to our room.”

“Our room,” she kissed him, “I like the sound of that.”

“Try it on!” Shuri shouted over the commotion, prompting everyone to echo her sentiment.

T’Challa lifted the crown from its silk bedding and placed it on her head, making sure it was secure.

“My baby,” Bisa cried and ran to hug her daughter. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you mama.”

Chidi joined them, and it was obvious he was trying to hold it together.

“Congratulations, nugget-” his voice hitched and Ashanti wrapped her arms around his waist just as Bisa went to hug her new son-in-law.

She winked and whispered to him, “I told you she’d love it.”

Congratulations were thrown around and eventually their audience dissipated, leaving the two of them alone.

“So do you really like it?’ T’Challa asked nervously.

Ashanti put her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her level for a kiss.

“More than anything in this world,” she kissed him again. “I can’t wait to be your queen.”

“You’ve always been my queen.”

--------

“So when are you moving in?” Bisa asked as she and Ashanti waited for the pregnancy test results. T’Challa had gotten called on a last-minute mission with the Avengers, and he almost cancelled until Ashanti urged him to go. They had been up all night, laying in bed and just staring into each other’s eyes while talking about their future. One big thing that came up was his travel for work.

“What about when you’re gone for work?”

“Well if it’s not for something dangerous, I don’t see why you two couldn’t come with me.”

“Who would be in charge then?”

“Shuri, N’Jadaka, mama, whoever. We would work it out.”

Ashanti nodded before another question dawned on her and she propped her head up on her elbow.

“What are my responsibilities as queen?”

“Mama will walk you through everything, but pretty much the same as mine, minus the Black Panther part of course. You’ll preside over council meetings and do all the boring paperwork you always see me pouring over. The good part is, you’ll only have to do half. The rest is up to you, really. Mama started a gardening initiative in the city-”

“I remember that! I didn’t realize that was her.”

“Yes, she doesn’t like to have her name attached to her projects.”

“So I take it that’s where you got your little ‘anonymous buyer’ idea from, huh?” she nudged him.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he grinned.

“Mhm, I bet.”

He smiled as his hand found its way to her stomach again.

“What do you want, boy or girl?” he asked her.

“Well the selfish part of me wants a mini-me, but the other part of me wants to see a mini-you. I don’t really care either way.”

“Mm. I wouldn’t either, but I’ve always wanted a baby girl.”

“Oh my Bast, you would spoil her rotten.”

“Like you won’t?”

“Hush,” she playfully hit his chest and looked down at the ring glistening on her finger. Every time she looked at the big, beautiful ruby resting in a nest of diamonds her heart skipped a beat. “ Ok, I have one more question…”

“I’ve got all night.”

“How soon can I move in?”

“Half of your stuff is already here, I’d say you moved in months ago. Why not go ahead and bring everything? I want my girls close by.”

Ashanti’s leg couldn’t stop bouncing, she was so anxious despite being mostly sure she already knew the answer. Still, something about waiting for test results always triggered her nerves.

“We, uh, talked about it last night actually. I didn’t really know how to bring it up to you, but I’m, uh, moving out this weekend.”

“I’m surprised you’re waiting that long,” Binta joked right as the doctor re-entered the room.

“Congratulations, Ms. Mostafa, you are definitely pregnant.”

A wave of relief washed over Ashanti at finally knowing for sure.

Pregnant.

She was going to be someone’s mother.

The thought had crossed her mind over the last day, but it didn’t really sink in until now.

Her hips would spread and her feet would swell. She’d soon outgrow her clothes and her breasts would fill with milk. She’d have cravings and kick T’Challa out of bed in the middle of the night to satisfy them. Her bladder would be crushed and her back would hurt, all for that little bundle of joy that she hoped would look like both of their parents. She felt an odd combination of calmness and anxiety at her body no longer being hers, but theirs.

Binta shook her out of her stupor, “You ok?”

Ashanti smiled at her friend, tears welling in her eyes.

“I’m having a baby,” she hugged Binta close.

“And I get to help bring them into the world!”

The two laughed and then settled in for the rest of the appointment. The doctor had plenty of questions and lots of advice, but there wasn’t much Ashanti could say seeing as how she couldn’t tell this random doctor who the father was. Then it dawned on her, would this even be a normal pregnancy? The child was half Black Panther afterall...

“Thank you Dr. Obi, you’ve been a great help,” she said as she grabbed her bag to leave.

“You are welcome, do you need me to set you up with a midwife, or do you already have one in mind?”

Ashanti’s thoughts travelled back to her conversation with T’Challa the night before.

“So is there, like, a royal midwife or something?”

“Of course. Ramla delivered me and Shuri, and I would like for her to deliver our baby as well if that is ok with you.”

She kissed him.

“That’s perfect.”

“We already have one. Thank you!” The two ladies left the office arm-in-arm and walked through the city on their way to Zana Cafe.

“So when are you telling everybody?”

“Mama and baba already know. I got sick in the restaurant yesterday- they’ve just been waiting on me to tell them if it’s for real or not.”

“Do you want to tell them now?”

That was the one question she forgot to ask T’Challa. Did he want to wait to tell the family? Did he want to do it together?

“Not yet, I’ll wait and see what Challa wants to do.”

“You mean your fiancé? Your betrothed? Your intended-”

“Ok, ok, we get it,” Ashanti laughed at her friend as they entered her parent’s restaurant and sat in a booth towards the back. Thankfully, whatever they were cooking smelled like heaven and when Bisa brought them bowls of the fragrant lentil stew, Ashanti dug in like she hadn’t eaten in months.

“This was my mama’s recipe, you know. When I was pregnant with you, I ate it almost every day.”

Binta laughed into her bowl at Bisa’s sly attempt.

“Really? How interesting, mama. It is delicious as always.”

“Mmhm.” Bisa turned and left the girls to their food.

“You know she knows.”

“Oh I know. You heard her, ‘when I was pregnant with you I ate it almost every day’” she mocked her mother lovingly.

Their giggling was interrupted by a text from her fiancé.

T: How are you feeling today?

She smiled and responded.

A: Still pretty tired. Guess what...

T: What?

A: Binta and I went to the doctor. It’s official, you’re a baba!

T: Yes! I knew it. How far along are you?

A: About 9 weeks

T: That sounds about right

A: I have a question, though…

T: The answer is probably yes…

A: It’s not a yes or no question lol. When did you want to tell people? Mama and baba kind of already know, Binta knows, why not tell everybody?

T: I am sure mama knows as well. I’ll be back tomorrow, how about we do it then?

A: Deal.

T: I have to go now, but I’ll call you tonight, love.

A: Be safe

T: Always.

“Ok, he comes back tomorrow so we can do it then.”

“Ugh I have to hold this in for another day? You know how hard it is to keep something from Kwame? Damn near impossible, that’s how.”

“Well you were the one eavesdropping-”

“Ma’am I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t hear him yelling. Your man was excited.”

The two of them laughed and Ashanti’s mind drifted to how bright his face would be when they told his family. N’Jadaka and Nakia were flying in from Oakland and M’Baku was going to come down from Jabari Land to celebrate their impending union over a big celebratory dinner. Steve might even come back to Wakanda with T’Challa to join the festivities.

“So about this dinner tomorrow...who all is going to be there?”

“N’Jadaka, Nakia, M’Baku and Shani, probably Steve and Bucky, you and Kwame, mama and baba, Shuri and Queen Mother, and Okoye if she’s off.”

“Are any of them single?”

“I think N’Jadaka is. Bucky is either single or with Steve, they’re very close so it is hard to tell. I think Okoye might have someone...Why, what happened with Kiki?”

“She’s a great person, but we sort of grew apart. It was a mutual decision, we’ll still hang out from time to time,” she shrugged.

“Well that’s good, but I’m sorry about the breakup.”

“No big deal...about these single people, though.”

“I’m pretty sure N’Jadaka will fuck anything that breathes and walks on two legs.”

“As long as he has his shots, I couldn’t care less. And the White Wolf? I never thought I’d say this about a colonizer, but that man can get it. I wonder how dextrous those metal fingers are...”

Ashanti popped off her pinky, “Pretty dextrous.”

“I always forget you have that thing!”

The two of them broke out into a fit of laughter and Ashanti grabbed more bread for her stew.

--------

“Are you sure you’re ready, kitten? We can wait if you’d prefer,” T’Challa asked of his bride-to-be.

“I'm ready,” she said with a smile before grabbing his hand and signalling for the guards to open the door to the formal dining room that was much bigger than the small family dining room upstairs. All the seats were taken with the exception of the head of the table and the seat on its right hand side. They all looked up at the couple as they entered and stood to cheer for their impending union, causing Ashanti to blush.

The two took their seats and the dinner commenced. Everyone seemed to be getting along fine, including Binta and Bucky, and before the dessert course could make its way to the table T’Challa stood. He held out his hand to help Ashanti up and cleared his throat, never letting her hand go.

“We want to thank you all for coming tonight to celebrate me becoming the luckiest man in the world.”

There were chuckles around the table as Binta and Ashanti’s parents looked on expectantly.

“But there is one last thing you all need to kn-”

“We’re having a baby!” T’Challa just couldn’t help himself, it slipped out.

“T’Challa!”

Everyone spoke over each other and crowded around the couple, showing them love.

“I knew it!”

“Wow, congratulations!”

“My baby’s having a baby.”

“Alright! Congrats, man!”

“My little girl...making me an umakhulu.”

“Congratulations, brother.”

“I’m going to be an auntie!”

“My son…”

“My nigga…”

Eventually the commotion died down and everyone took their seats again as the mango pudding was brought out.

“So how far along are you?” Shani asked.

“Just about nine weeks. We want to wait until I’m out of the first trimester before we tell the council, maybe even longer before we go public.”

“That’s smart. When I was pregnant with M’Bari our council practically lived in my uterus with him. Avoid that as long as you can,” she cautioned.

Ramonda looked up from her pudding to agree.

“When I was pregnant with Shuri the council found out before we could announce it to them...total disaster.”

“We trust that you all will keep this between us until we go public.” T’Challa added.

“Of course, we will,” Nakia smiled at the couple fondly.

“How have you been feeling, dear? Carrying the child of the Black Panther takes a lot out of you.”

“It does? What’s different about it?” T’Challa asked his mother.

“We’ll discuss all that later, but Ashanti are you sleeping well?”

“All I want to do is sleep.”

Binta and the mothers at the table laughed knowingly.

“That’s just how the first trimester goes, intyatyambo. You’ll have more energy in the second trimester.”

“Well I know one thing, she hates the smell of oxtails now,” Binta added.

“So do I.”

“You’re already experiencing her symptoms?”

“Woah that can happen?!” N’Jadaka asked, horrified.

“Especially if you have the heart shaped herb in your system,” Ramonda added.

“I’m just gonna go ahead and get snipped then.”

“Good luck with that,” she laughed into her pudding.

“So I know it’s too early to tell, but what do you think you’re having?” Nakia asked.

“I don’t know, I’m fine with whatever as long as my baby is healthy.”

“As am I,” T’Challa kissed her hand then stage whispered to the rest of the table, “Baby girl.”

A chorus of chuckles and “awww” rang out around the table once more as the king and queen-to-be smiled at each other.

“Well that was easy,” she leaned in and whispered to him while the mothers continued their back and forth over pregnancy symptoms, shocking the men without children into silence over the way they casually spoke of such horrors.

“Now for the council.”

“You know, we could always just tell them about the wedding, have it pretty soon, then drop the baby news on them after,” she offered.

“You just can’t wait to be married to me, huh?”

“Well, that’s part of it too...I don’t want to look pregnant in our wedding pictures, so we either do it now or wait until after this baby is out.”

“Now it is, then.”

--------

“That went smoother than I thought it would…” Ashanti mused as she kicked her feet up and placed them in T’Challa’s lap when they got back to their chambers after the council meeting.

“Eh, they saw it coming. I have already referred to you as my queen multiple times.”

“You have?” her eyes lit up.

“Yes, they needed to learn to respect you.”

She looked at him with stars in her eyes. This man, her man, was so sure in his love for her, and it made her feel safe and warm.

As usual these days, the two fell asleep just like that on the couch, but were awakened by both their beads trilling. They untangled their bodies and answered the call, seeing both of their mothers side by side.

“Where are you two? You were supposed to be here 20 minutes ago for the fittings.”

“Shit, we fell asleep. Coming, mama!” Ashanti bolted up and the king followed as they both ran out the door, down to the tailors.

“Sorry we’re late,” Ashanti said through a yawn as they finally made it to their fitting.

“Sleep again, huh?”

“That’s all I can do these days, sleep and eat. I’m a cat,” she said, exasperated, before falling back into a soft, cushiony chair.

“No dear, you’re just carrying a panther,” Ramonda chuckled at the frustrated look on Ashanti’s face. She certainly did not miss the feeling. “So, now that you two are here we have to get you fitted for your traditional attire, your robes, and your outfits for the feast in your honor.”

“Mama, the tailors already have my measurements, why-”

“Hush, boy. You need to be here just as much as she does.”

Ashanti chuckled at how quickly he shut up before Bisa shot her a look and she stopped, too.

“Now, T’Challa you come with me. Ashanti, you and Bisa will be meeting with Deka, one of the royal tailors. She designed my and Queen N’Yami’s wedding robes-”

“May she rest in peace,” Bisa said as Ashanti squeezed T’Challa’s hand. His biological mother wasn’t often brought up in conversations, but when she was he always grew tense. She died during childbirth and T’Challa barely made it out alive himself. Thankfully, with the help of therapy, he was able to let go of the survivor's guilt he held onto all his life.

Ramonda nodded in deference to her predecessor and introduced Deka to Ashanti and her mother. They hit it off right away, and the fitting went off without a hitch. Meanwhile, down the hall, T’Challa wasn’t having much luck with Dakarai, his usual tailor.

“Nothing looks right,” he said as he fiddled with his collar.

“That’s because your mind is elsewhere. Tell me, what is bothering you?” Ramonda asked her son as he smoothed out his sleeves. “Dakarai, could you give us the room please?”

“Absolutely, your highness. I will be in my office.”

“Thank you.” She waited for the doors to close and turned back to T’Challa. “So?”

He let out a deep sigh “I think it just hit me that I’m becoming a husband and a father at the same time.”

“It’s a lot to take in.”

“It is...I’m excited, though. I want this more than anything, but why do I feel so…”

“Stressed, nervous, immobilized by fear?”

“All of the above.” he huffed and sat down in an open chair, careful to avoid the pins in his clothing.

“Unyana,” she sat down next to him and pulled his hand into hers, “There is nothing scarier in this world than becoming a parent, but I can only speak from a mother’s perspective. Maybe you should talk with Chidi and M’Baku, hm? They have both been where you are, well not the rushed wedding, but you know what I am saying.”

“Yes, mama,” he chuckled. “That’s a good idea.”

“I have them from time to time,” she stood up and kissed the crown of his head. “I’ll go get Dakarai.”

T’Challa went to his beads the moment she turned to leave, texting both Chidi and M’Baku to see when they had time to talk. Surprisingly, M’Baku texted back almost immediately.

“M’Bari must be close by,” he thought to himself before chuckling fondly at his friend. M’Baku hated their modern technology, but entertained the kimoyo beads simply for communication purposes. He had mastered the holograms, but was still a little shaky when it came to texting. The king was used to his responses taking a while, so this was a pleasant surprise.

His fingers were already flying across the keyboard when Chidi texted back. He was busy running the restaurant while Bisa helped with wedding plans, but offered up Zana Cafe as a meeting spot so he could still be present. T’Challa had just finished confirming plans when Ramonda and Dakarai re-entered.

“Guess what I just saw,” Ramonda sang excitedly

“What?”

“Ashanti’s dress for the feast!”

His eyes lit up at the thought and it took all his strength to keep himself from running down the hall and seeing for himself.

“Your wife-to-be looks lovely, your majesty.”

It was as if all his nerves dissipated on the spot just thinking of her, and the rest of the fitting was smooth sailing.

With only a week until the wedding, Ashanti was just as nervous as her fiancé, though her fears were a little more on the irrational side.

“But mama, what if ten years down the line he wakes up and realizes he made a huge mistake, and he’s stuck with me, but-”

“Now, sithandwa, you know that man loves you to pieces. Don’t let that baby work you up over this.”

Ashanti laughed at her foolishness, realizing her mother was right. She had been getting emotional over the littlest things for the past few days, and she knew it would just be getting worse from there.

“Do a little spin for me.”

Ashanti carefully twirled around while her mother’s proud eyes took in every inch of the gown as she turned.

“You look absolutely gorgeous, intyatyambo,” she said through the tears that quickly formed in her eyes.

Ashanti couldn’t help but cry when she saw Bisa crying, and pretty soon they were both a mess.

“My baby is getting married...starting a family of her own,” she fussed with Ashanti’s hair as she spoke. “I know you’re grown and have been for a while, but...Bast, you were just a child not that long ago! It feels like you just took your first steps, and now here you are. My baby isn't my baby anymore...my baby is having a baby.” she whispered the last past since Deka was in earshot. They laughed through their tears and embraced each other carefully to avoid causing any harm to the dress.

--------

“Thank you for coming early, M’Baku.”

“No problem, brother. Now, what is this about?” he leaned in just as Chidi came over.

“I’ll tell you what it’s about, he’s freaking out.”

“Is that true?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” T’Challa rested his head in his hand.

Both of the married men chuckled as Chidi set out food for the table.

“Wedding or baby?”

“Both, but mostly baby.”

“Hm. You know, the day before Bisa and I got married I had a panic attack because I didn’t think I’d make a good enough husband for her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I almost called the whole thing off. Then she called me right in the middle of it, like she could sense something was wrong. She didn’t want anything, she just missed my voice, so we ended up talking all night. Later I found out she was just as scared as I was and called to calm herself down...The point is, don’t get too into your head about it. You two love each other and that’s what matters.”

M’Baku nodded along as T’Challa ruminated on Chidi’s words.

“And as for the baby, well that is terrifying no matter how you look at it.”

“What do you mean?”

“M’Baku, don’t scare the poor man.”

“I am just being honest. Nothing can prepare you for the feeling of being a parent. You think you have an idea, but trust me, you don’t. It is the scariest, most fulfilling, draining job you will ever have. And yes, I am including running a whole country. Being a husband is not all that hard. You love and support your wife in whatever way she needs, you two work as a unit, and if problems arise there’s always couples therapy. A child, however...it’s like inviting a stranger into your home that you have to keep alive and every day they do something either extremely frustrating or terrifying or adorable.”

“Like the first time they smile at you,” Chidi added.

“Or when they call you baba for the first time. I cried like a baby.”

“And those first steps. We recorded Ashanti’s, I’ll show you later.”

“Watching their personality develop-”

“Their little shoes-”

“Hanuman, I want another...I will bring it up to Shani tonight.”

T’Challa shook his head, surprised his friend didn’t already have his own little tribe of children by now. He knew that had to be Shani’s doing.

“I’m happy we had just the one, but Ashanti always wanted to be a big sister. Thankfully her umakhulu helped us keep her from being a lonely child.”

T’Challa nodded in understanding. He knew Ashanti wanted two for that exact reason, and the thought of having another child with the love of his life warmed his heart.

“I will use that excuse with Shani. Let’s see if it works.”

The king’s trepidations slipped away as his friend and father-in-law answered his questions on fatherhood, marriage, and surviving their wives pregnancies.

Just as M’Baku had begun describing Shani’s third trimester the rest of their party arrived.

“Let’s get this party started!” Prince N’Jadaka loudly burst through the doors flanked by his two favorite colonizers. He looked around and deflated, “You got less strippers here than I expected.”

“On that note, I’m going to take my leave. You all have fun,” he turned to T’Challa, “but not too much fun. I’m not above regicide.”

The group snickered at T’Challa and Chidi left them to their shenanigans.

“So what’s the plan?”

“Strippers, obviously. Just not in his father-in-law’s restaurant,” Bucky added with a roll of his eyes. He and the prince generally got along fine, but continuously worked each other's nerves.

“Strippers, obviously,” N’Jadaka mocked. “I know that, I mean when we going?”

“Right about now,” T’Challa said with a smile.

“To the- wait what’s this place called again?” Steve asked.

“Jungle Cat Lounge,” T’Challa snickered.

“To the Jungle Cat Lounge!”

“You ever been to a strip club before, blue eyes?” N’Jadaka antagonized Steve.

“Well, no, but uh-”

The prince clapped him on the back and smiled devilishly, “You’re in for a good time, man.”

The lounge had been shut down for the private party of five, with all the best dancers performing for their king and his guests. T’Challa and M’Baku mostly just threw money around and appreciated the womens’ athleticism on the pole, meanwhile the other three had the time of their lives. N’Jadaka was right at home as he got lap dance after lap dance and eventually disappeared with one of the girls for a private dance. Bucky and Steve’s eyes were bugged out of their head most of the time and T’Challa laughed at the dumbstruck looks on their faces. Despite the fact that he doesn’t drink and could care less about the dancers in his face, he was having a good time out with his friends until the thought of Ashanti crossed his mind and he had the strongest urge to be with her. He decided to text her to check in.

T: How are my girls?

He figured she was probably busy with her friends at her own party, but her text came back with a quickness.

A: What a coincidence, I was just about to text you. And we don’t know for sure about the baby yet, Challa!

T: Is everything ok?

A: Yes, you just crossed my mind.

M’Baku looked over and noticed the king smiling at his beads.

“How is she?”

“Hm?” T’Challa saw the smirk on his friend’s face and knew he’d been caught. “Oh, uh, she’s good. Just missed me, that’s all.”

“She missed you or you missed her?”

“Yes,” the king chuckled into his glass of club soda.

“I was the same way. My brothers took me out the night before my wedding, too...all I wanted was to be with my Shani.”

T’Challa nodded, “These women are beautiful, of course, but I’m enjoying their reactions more than anything.” He pointed over to his American friends who were both surrounded by women, mouths hanging open in disbelief at all the ass gyrating in their faces.

“They are quite entertaining,” M’Baku laughed at the two of them before taking a sip of his rum. “I used to enjoy places like this, but it’s not the same anymore.”

T’Challa nodded in agreement and went back to his beads.

T: It must be because I miss you.

A: Strippers not doing it for you?

T: Not this time, I’d rather be with you.

A: Well after tomorrow you’re stuck with me forever…

T: Sounds like a good way to spend eternity

A: You flatter me, kumkani

T: That’s not all I want to do to you.

A: You just can’t behave, can you?

T: Nope.

A: You’ll survive a little longer.

T: Will I?

A: This whole “no sex until the wedding” thing was your idea. You’re such a drama queen.

T: I’m your drama queen

A: And don’t you forget it. Well, the girls just left and I can barely keep my eyes open. I’ll probably be knocked out when you get back, so good night kumkani.

T: Sweet dreams, kitten.

--------

The next morning the couple was awakened by heavy knocking.

“Get up, busy day ahead!” Ramonda called through the door. T’Challa grunted and rolled over to look at the time, sprouting up when he saw it was half past 9 already. He tried to wake Ashanti but lately she had been sleeping like the dead.

“My love, it’s time to wake up,” he sang as he kissed all over her face. “I get to marry you today, so get up. We’re already late for our rituals.”

She groaned and her eyes fluttered open.

“That’s it. Come on, we’re late. It’s already 9:30,” he said hopping out of bed. “I’ll start the shower.”

Ashanti dragged herself to the bathroom and they quickly showered together and were ready in time for N’Jadaka to bang on the door.

“Yo, Auntie said if y’all don’t come on I can break down the door-”

Ashanti yanked the door open and glared at her cousin to be, “Don’t even try it.”

“Someone’s in a mood on this joyous day.”

“Don’t antagonize pregnant women, umzala,” T’Challa sauntered over and clapped his younger cousin on the shoulder before the three of them headed down to the dining room where everyone was finishing up their meal.

“Well mholo to you both,” Nakia said as she looked up from her conversation with M’Baku. She had been the first to notice the couple enter and soon after a chorus of good mornings filled the air.

After breakfast Kwame and the women went one direction as the rest of the men escorted T’Challa back to his chambers to get him ready for the day. Ashanti and her group travelled to her parents’ home where they had laid out all the necessary items for their ritual.

First, Shani drew her a warm bath filled with coconut milk, special herbs, and flowers, then they all prayed over her as her mother washed her from head to toe. Next, they cleansed the air with incense smoke as Ashanti meditated and allowed her body to air dry from her spiritually cleansing bath. Ramonda wrapped her in a silk robe as Nakia dried her hair and styled it in bantu knots that she would take down the next day to have beautiful fluffy curls. Shuri painted her toes while Kwame painted her fingers and Binta painted ancient symbols onto the rest of her body in white clay.

Bisa and Ramonda recorded the beautiful moment on their beads, and when they were done and Ashanti was all made up Bisa tried her best not to cry, but failed. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as the mother and daughter embraced each other once more, careful to avoid smudging any of her body paint. Bisa held her daughter’s head in her hands and wiped her tears away.

“My baby girl.”

Meanwhile, at the palace, Steve and Bucky were very uncomfortable at seeing more of T’Challa’s body than they had ever hoped. Especially Steve, since he hadn't realized just how...free the Wakandans were. N’Jadaka ran the bath before Chidi washed T’Challa just like Bisa did with their daughter. The men prayed their blessings over him and when he was done, M’Baku lined the king up. After he got dressed in his traditional shorts, N’Jadaka placed the original Black Panther necklace on him as Chidi dipped his brush into the white clay to start painting T’Challa’s face and body.

After the two were made up and covered in the blessings of their loved ones, each group travelled to the City of the Dead to begin the ceremony.

T’Challa arrived first, taking his position at the temple doors and waiting for his betrothed. She arrived shortly after, and when their eyes met and they took in each other's forms they both started to cry. Here they were, in their wedding paint, about to face Bast’s judgement together. T’Challa’s hand found its way to the fertility symbol Binta had painted over her womb and he planted a light kiss on her lips.

“You ready?”

“Let’s do this.”

He kissed her again and grabbed her hand before signalling the priestesses to open the doors. The two of them stepped into the temple, leaving their loved ones behind at the door, and followed the high priestess Hasina deep into the catacombs. They arrived at the garden of the heart-shaped herb and Ashanti was in awe at the sight before her, never having seen one in real life before.

“So this is where the magic happens?” Ashanti asked, trying to keep it light to calm her nerves.

“Quite literally, sister Ashanti,” Hasina winked at her. “You will see.”

Hasina instructed them to lay next to each other and hold hands while they were both given a concoction that would take them to the ancestral plane. The last thing Ashanti saw before she shut her eyes was the warm red sand covering her body.

She felt a squeeze in her right hand and sat up from the dirt, taking in her surroundings. She had been here before of course, but the circumstances were very different and she wasn't able to really appreciate it for all its beauty. Her mouth hung open as she marveled at the purple skies and the acacia tree in the distance filled with panthers lazing on the limbs. Three panthers jumped down and made their way over to the couple, making Ashanti move in closer to T’Challa for protection.

“It's ok, look,” he pointed as the panther closest to Ashanti stood up and transformed into Taj.

“Umakhulu!” Ashanti almost tackled him with a hug. She turned back around to bring T’Challa forward and panicked upon seeing tears stream down his face. “Baby, what-”

She stopped herself when she noticed the two people standing in front of him and the dam behind her eyes broke, too. There she was, Queen N’Yami in all her regal glory, meeting her son for the first time.

T’Challa was frozen on the spot. He felt a light touch on his arm and looked down to see Ashanti smiling back up at him. He took a deep breath and looked towards his parents as T’Chaka spoke up,“T’Challa, there is someone you should meet. This is your-”

“Mama...I know…”

N’Yami stepped forward, placing her hands lightly around her son’s face.

“Everything I went through and he has the nerve to look just like you, T’Chaka.”

The former king laughed and shook his head.

“Now N’Yami, you cannot possibly think those eyes are mine.”

“I suppose,” she continued to examine him with a smile on her face. A single tear rolled down her cheek as her voice cracked. “I missed so much...I am sorry, unyana, but it was my time.”

“I know, mama,” the king croaked out. “I just- I needed you.” He broke down in his mother’s arms as Taj held Ashanti close, wiping her tears away. T’Challa and N’Yami’s sobs filled the ancestral plane and the more they cried the more relief washed over both of them. When their tears subsided, T’Challa looked towards his love and her grandfather, both of whom had tears in their eyes as well. He smiled and reached his hand out for her to take, and when she did he pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Mama, baba...this is-”

“We know exactly who this is. Ashanti, my dear, it is a pleasure to finally meet you.”

“We’ve heard so much about you.” N’Yami sent a wink Taj’s way.

Ashanti greeted them both with the Wakandan salute and stepped forward. They pulled her into a hug just as Taj did the same for T’Challa.

“My boy, it is good to see you.”

“You as well, sir. And thank you.”

“For what?”

“For making her come back home when she wanted to stay here.”

“I just knew she had a lot more living to do.”

The five of them continued to get acquainted with each other when T’Chaka noticed the colors of the sky changing.

“She will be here soon.”

“Who?”

“The goddess.”

Ashanti’s throat closed up and T’Challa grabbed her hand in his before bringing it to his lips for a kiss.

“It’ll be fine, kitten.”

She nodded and took a deep breath, pushing her nerves away when all of a sudden a huge panther could be seen on the horizon. The five of them waited hand-in-hand as she approached and when she got close enough for them to reach out and touch her, she stood up and transformed into a statuesque woman with the head of a jaguar. Her gold bangles stood out against her dark skin and her naked body seemed to glow.

She said no words as she examined the couple, staring into their innermost selves. A smile appeared on her face as she nodded to Ashanti and backed up, turning back into her jaguar form and walking back the way she came.

“T-that was it?” Ashanti asked, unsure of what just happened.

“That was it, nugget. She would have ripped your head off if she didn’t like you.”

Ashanti’s eyes grew wide and she turned to T’Challa who was shaking his head with a smirk on his face.

“Not literally, but I knew she’d like you.” he said nonchalantly.

“Especially with my umzukulwana in there,” N’Yami pointed to Ashanti’s belly. “May I?”

“Of course, I’m still in my first trimester so there’s not much to-”

Ashanti felt a tingling in her stomach when N’Yami touched her.

“Would you like to know what you are having?”

“You can tell already?” T’Challa chimed in.

“Of course I can,” she winked, “Now, would you like to know or not?”

The couple looked at each other and nodded in agreement.

When they burst through the sands back in Wakanda they were greeted by cheering from the priestess and temple aides. T’Challa helped her up and they dusted themselves off before going to rejoin their family members that were waiting anxiously outside. Upon leaving the temple they were immediately bombarded with hugs and congratulations from their loved ones, but they were both still in a daze.

A baby girl.

They both always wanted a baby girl and now here she was, slowly making her way into the world through them. Neither could contain their excitement, so when N’Jadaka asked who they saw, they almost didn’t hear him. Ashanti was the first to come out of their daze and answer.

“We saw my umakhulu...and T’Challa’s mama and baba. They all said hello.”

There was a moment of silence while everybody registered what she had said. The king had finally met his birth mother, and the thought made most of their eyes get mistier than they already were.

“That’s wonderful,” Ramonda smiled at her son and he smiled back. He had always wished that Ramonda had been his birth mother, but now he knew he was blessed to have two mothers. One in the ancestral plane watching over him, and the other right in front of him supporting everything he does.

Ashanti’s eyes finally travelled from her loved ones to the darkening sky, “How long were we in there?”

“About 4 hours, time moves differently in the ancestral plane. Come, it’s almost dinner time.” Ramonda answered, gesturing for them to get moving back towards their transportation.

“What were you all doing all that time?”

“Oh we had our own little party out here while we waited,” Chidi chimed in.

The entire wedding party made its way back to the palace for a celebratory meal and Ashanti felt her nerves slowly creep back up on her thinking about the next couple days.

Only one down, two more to go.

--------

The public ceremony went by in a blur. Ashanti just remembered them being paraded around the city on palanquins before being brought back to the palace steps to be given away. Chidi and Bisa gave Ashanti away while Ramonda and a surprisingly emotional N’Jadaka gave away the king, but the rest of it sort of flew by. As far as she was concerned, the real wedding was yesterday and this was just for show.

The coronation was another story. When the boats arrived at the drained waterfall and hovered down to drop the tribes off in their respective areas, Ashanti felt the knot in her stomach get even more twisted. She looked over at T’Challa who seemed cool as a cucumber, and she realized it wasn’t morning sickness. Just nerves. Becoming T’Challa’s wife hadn’t shaken her in such a way, but becoming his queen and ruling beside him was definitely causing some anxiety to surface.

“I can hear you thinking too much,” T’Challa said, kissing her hand as they disembarked and walked to the center of the falls.

“I’m trying not to, this is just a lot.”

“I know, kitten,” he kissed her forehead. “Just think about all the fun we can have after.” he winked and she chuckled. Just how he could think about sex at a time like this, she would never understand.

He stepped forward to address the crowd and Ashanti zoned out, catching every other word until it was her time to act. She stepped forward and Hasina brought out the wooden box that held her crown and passed it to Chidi. He opened it and Bisa carefully secured the crown on her daughter’s head, making sure the panther teeth were standing tall in their gilded foundation. Ashanti turned to bow to Queen Mother, whose snow white locs were flowing down her back, no longer hidden under her crown of choice.

“You will make an excellent queen, my dear.”

“Thank you, Ramonda.”

Then she turned to her husband, her king, and he pulled her in for a deep kiss, making the crowd go wild.

“I told you you’ve always been my queen.” he pecked her lips before letting her go. They turned back to the crowd and nodded to each other before crossing their hands over their chests.

“Wakanda forever!” they shouted as Wakandans everywhere, whether watching from the falls, from home, and even the war dogs overseas, saluted them back enthusiastically. Mostly. There were a couple who were less than excited about the goings on, but they kept their contempt to themselves.

Finally, there was the feast. Ashanti looked regal in her panther tooth crown and hand-beaded and embroidered royal purple gown, and T’Challa looked every bit a king in his matching suit and panther claw necklace.

After days of ripping and running all over Wakanda for this wedding, Ashanti wanted nothing more than to sleep for the next week and stuff her face full of food. She was thankful her baby girl had been on her best behavior and didn’t make her sick at all during the proceedings of the last few days. She hoped her luck would continue into the feast, though they made absolute sure no beef was on the menu.

The king and queen danced and filled their bellies all night before saying good night to their loved ones and sneaking upstairs around midnight. On any normal night they’d be tearing at each other's clothes in the elevator, but this time they were so tired that had they not been in uncomfortable formal clothes they would’ve just fallen flat on the bed.

T’Challa helped her out of her dress and heels and she undid the buttons on his tunic. They crawled into bed naked and laid in their usual position before drifting off to sleep.

The next day, the King and Queen of Wakanda lazed about in their bed, so drained by the last few days that the two introverts just laid there in silence exchanging light kisses and even lighter touches. They had their breakfast brought to them in bed before they showered and got ready together, still in comfortable silence. Nobody spoke until both of their beads rang as they were leaving their room. He cleared his throat as they activated their communication beads.

“Good morning lovebirds, the Talon is ready for you whenever you wish to depart.”

“Thank you, general. We will be down shortly,” T’Challa spoke to Okoye’s hologram before her image disappeared. They were going away for two weeks, to a private island off the coast of Greece, and T’Challa was more than happy to travel for pleasure instead of work like he normally does. He couldn’t wait to see her laid out on the white sand beach, her beautiful dark skin contrasting with the bright blue and white background.

Ashanti paused on the way to the door, “Do we have everything?”

“We have everything we need, love,” he said as he kissed her forehead and reached for the door to hold it open for her. His arms found their way around her waist in the elevator and he rested his head on top of hers while rubbing her slightly bloated-looking belly with his large hands.

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Hm?”

“Touching my belly, your hand almost always goes straight to her.”

“I didn’t even realize I was doing it this time,” he chuckled in disbelief.

“I don't mind, it’s good for her to get to know you. You should try talking to her.”

“She doesn’t have ears yet-”

“Neither do plants, but they still respond to sound.”

He nodded, taking in her words and letting her go, turning her around and lowering to his knee.

“Hello babygirl, it’s your baba,” he kissed Ashanti’s belly and her hand cupped the back of his head as he spoke. “I can’t wait to meet you.”

He stood and kissed his queen before pulling back just as the elevator stopped on the ground floor, “Thank you, again.”

“You’re welcome,” she giggled out and he smiled at the cute little crinkle above her nose when she laughed. He hoped his babygirl took after her mother.

The two aforementioned lovebirds strode through their palace hand in hand with huge smiles on their faces. They made their way to the Talon and were seen off by all their loved ones before heading to their Grecian honeymoon. As soon as they arrived on the island Ashanti was mesmerized by the beauty of it all, eyes wide like a child taking in everything around her. When they got to the villa she could have cried, and almost did. The blue and white building was situated at the top of a hill overlooking the most beautiful beach Ashanti had ever seen.

“I’ve never been to a beach before...this is…” she couldn’t find the words, so she hugged him tight instead. “Thank you Challa!”

“Anything for you, my love.”

She kissed him, and the kiss turned hot and passionate. She could tell he was getting worked up, so she pulled her lips from his.

“Give me the tour?”

“I have a better idea.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to fuck you in every room in this villa,” he whispered into her ear as she giggled at the feel of his breath on her. He backed her up to a wall and leaned into it, trapping her with his body.

“Let’s start in the bedroom and go from there,” she whispered back and he quickly grabbed her thighs and wrapped her legs around his waist before taking off down the hall.

T’Challa dropped her on the bed and when she tried to sit up, he lightly pushed her back down so that she sat up on her elbows. He leaned over and slipped her his tongue while running his hand up and down her thighs.

He pulled back and kissed along her collarbone as he spoke, “Will you let me worship your body? Show you how much I love you?”

She nodded, biting her lip, “Yes kumkani.”

He pressed a kimoyo bead and “Slow Down” started to play through the villa. She smiled wide at their song as he kissed down her clothed body, all the way down to her ankles before unbuckling her sandals and sliding them off slowly. He kissed and massaged her feet for a few minutes and Ashanti moaned from the feeling of his strong hands kneading her flesh. He moved his lips up to her calves and his gifted hands followed before moving up to her thighs. Her moans grew louder as his lips peppered her inner thighs with kisses, moving up towards her naked pussy, but skipping it and kissing her stomach. He kissed his way to her breasts as he removed her skirt and she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Challa, please,” she begged as he pulled her top off and took her nipple into his mouth, twirling his tongue around her pebbled bud while his fingers tweaked her other one.

“Uh-uh, you said I could worship your body. That’s what I’m doing,” he said as he worked his way up to her collarbone, kissing her from shoulders to her fingertips. He picked her up and flipped her over before kissing down her back to her luscious ass, biting each cheek for good measure.

“Ass up, kitten,” he said, getting her into position. “Spread your legs...that’s it.” T’Challa instantly buried his face in her pussy from behind, causing her to cry out to Bast at the way his thick tongue worked her center. He moaned as he ate, the vibration stimulating her clit even more, and as his tongue slowly made its way inside her she let out a deep moan from the depths of her soul at the way it flickered across her g-spot.

“If this is how you fuck your wife I should've married you years ago,” she joked through her moans. He chuckled, but didn’t break his concentration on the job at hand. His fingers slid up and down the top of her erect clit, coming down to pull back the hood and suck on it like he was starving for what she had to give.

“Mmmm, kumkani, you’re gonna make me-” she cut herself off with a high pitched scream as an ocean poured out of her. Her body contracted and convulsed as she covered him in her wetness. When she looked back she could see the liquid dripping down his face and onto his bare chest. She had no idea when he got naked, but as usual she was thankful for the sight of her husband’s naked body. She attempted to turn over, but he stopped her.

“Stay just like that,” his voice was a low grumble at this point. His hands found their home at the dip of her hips and he teased her entrance with the head of his meaty dick.

“Babyyyy,” she complained as her hips wound back into him.

“Patience, kitten. I want to take my time with you.”

He straddled her as he slowly slid into her warmth and they both let out a moan of relief at the feeling of him being sheathed inside her once more. His hips rocked slowly into hers, stirring her insides and making her whimper under him. He leaned down and nibbled on her earlobe as he whispered to her.

“I love you so much.”

“You take me so well.”

“Mmm, Ashanti you feel so good around me.”

“You like it deep like this?”

She tried to answer him, but couldn't.

“That’s ok, kitten, kumkani understands,” he chuckled, his hips rolling impossibly deeper into her.

“I-I-”

“What is it? Hm?” he picked up the pace a little and her eyes rolled to the back of her head as he thrusted into her.

“S-stay right t-there.”

“You like this spot right here?”

“Yes!”

“Anything for you, kitten.”

T’Challa’s precision was out of this world, hips reaching that exact spot over and over making her toes curl as he pounded her harder with each thrust. His hand wrapped around the front of her throat and pulled her head up to meet his. His tongue left his mouth and met hers for a sloppy kiss, and as they explored each other’s mouths she took his bottom lip between her teeth and bit down. He growled at the pain and thrust faster. She was right on the edge and he knew that what he was going to say next would take her over the edge.

“Will you let me fill this pussy up?”

She cried out, orgasm approaching.

“I want you overflowing with my cum. I want you sloppy, I want it dripping down your legs-”

“Yes.”

“You want me to cum in your pussy?”

“Please, kumkani,” she gritted out, hands holding onto the sheets for dear life as his hips slowed back down, bringing her to a long and drawn out orgasm as he spilled his seed deep inside of her. He pulled out and flipped her over, hooking his hands under her knees. Her hands went around his neck as he picked her up and placed her down on his dick. He controlled the maddeningly slow pace and she stared into his almost black eyes in disbelief. No matter how many times they fucked, he always managed to make her body feel like it was the first time.

“You feel so good,” she huffed out as he repeatedly brought her down onto his thick, pulsating dick. He turned his back towards the bed and sat down, leaning back and allowing Ashanti to have the floor.

Her hips cycloned round and round like a corkscrew, pushing him deep and using his dick to reach all her favorite spots.

T’Challa couldn’t help but to take in her beauty as she rode him. He wondered how her body would feel as it changed and grew, and he couldn’t wait to find out. Her pudgy stomach would grow rounder, as would her already heavy breasts. She would look even more like a goddess than she already does, and he wanted to worship at her feet.

His hands gripped her hips as she bounced up and down on him, tightening her kegel muscles as she rose and relaxing them as she met him pelvis to pelvis.

His hand found its way to her throat and he lightly pulled her down for a kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and spread his legs, giving himself the leverage he needed to really give it to her how he wanted. Their kiss intensified as his hips moved inside her and she moaned into his mouth. His thrusts went deeper and her eyes began to fill with tears that eventually streamed down her face. T’Challa was used to this by now and kissed away his wife’s tears as he fucked her deeper and deeper.

He could feel Ashanti clenching around him and sped his hips up, causing her to scream out.

“T’Challa!”

He chuckled. He loved when she forgot herself and called him the wrong name, and normally he would punish her for it, but he let it slide this time.

Her body spasmed again and a high-pitched moan escaped her lips as he pushed her over the edge. He wasn’t too far behind, releasing inside her with a growl.

The king and queen stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, still connected, until they drifted off to sleep. A couple hours later, Ashanti was awakened by the feel of his dick moving inside her.

“Mmm, kumkaniiii,” she whined as his hips rolled into hers.

“Wake up, love. We should eat something,” he said, looking at the time.

“Ok, but since you started it-” Ashanti rolled her hips and pulled a moan out of him. The two of them went a couple more rounds before finally separating and making their way into the kitchen for some food. The entire honeymoon went like that: they’d lay naked on the beach in the mornings, and fuck most of the day away between meals. When it was time to leave Ashanti almost couldn’t let go of the time they spent there together.

“We can always come back, love,” he said as he kissed her temple and grabbed her hand, walking her back to the Talon and to their new lives as King and Queen of Wakanda.

Next Chapter

Taglist:

@maddeningmayhem, @theblulife, @ljstraightnochaser, @determinednot2fall

#cecewritessometimes #black panther fic #playlist #t'challa #t'challa x oc #black!oc #ashanti #danielle brooks

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