#& no kid out there is like gee whiz maybe I Will sign up for the christian camp maybe I'll find love...

[ghostblogging]

the thing abt gay ppl is for inexplicable reasons we love summer camps (it's basically the only time you see gay ppl really display that same high school era nostalgia so prominent amgst straight ppl)

but bc we're gay really all the summer camps we have experience with are religious troubled child/conversion therapy camps which means you get a billion kajillion first love in a conversion camp coming-of-age stories which I think provide a very skewed perception of what conversion therapy is like

[brokenhardies]

wip day!

i wasn’t tagged by anyone lmao but @witchofinterest and @water-writings have both posted their stuff so i figured i would too! here’s part of chapter six of electric feel!

tagging @nolanhollogay @starlightocs @honeyandsunflowers @twinmasks @richitozier @cullenmunsonwp @darth-caillic @i-am-cloud-writes @raith-way @cantfighthemoonknight and anyone else who wants to take part!

It was third period when Amber saw Billy and Freddy standing in front of the teacher’s lounge. She’d already had her… suspicions that they were gonna play hooky in order to ‘train’ Billy’s newfound superpowers, mostly due to the fact that she’d already had evidence. She’d had to stuff Freddy’s makeshift go-pro helmet into a tote bag in his locker after the stunt Billy pulled with the Bryers – although she wouldn’t say they didn’t deserve it. 

The good news was that Amber was your archetypal ‘good’ student. The only reason she tended to show up each day even though she probably didn’t need to – after all, when you have a photographic memory and the ability to pretty much recall everything you’ve seen, heard or felt, school was kind of redundant – was mostly to get a GED.  The bad news was that she was pretty sure she couldn’t sneak out of the class to follow them. 

She frowned, quickly scribbling a makeshift hall pass on a sheet of paper. She passed it to her teacher as she walked around, before muttering something under her breath about needing to use the bathroom. She was expecting a comment about using the bathroom beforehand, but was surprised when she got it back fully signed. That was when she left the classroom, shoving her hall pass in her pocket and spotting Billy, holding a crumpled up jacket over his arm. She quickly ducked around the corner, can’t look like you’re stalking the kid, and listened to his and Freddy’s conversation. 

“Hey.”

“Making the crippled kid do your dirty work. Wow!”

“I’m a better lookout!” Billy claimed, “I can play innocent!”

It was true, considering he was able to play the cops – and maybe Amber as well, although she’d never admit it – with the puppy dog eyed ‘holy moley’ act. Who even said ‘holy moley’ anymore? …Okay, says the girl who unironically uses ‘gee whiz’ but that’s beside the point! 

“And I can’t?”

“Your face gives off a very strong vibe of someone who’s hatching schemes.” 

Amber snorted. “And your’s doesn’t, Red?” She whispered, trying not to look like she was spying on them. Of course, that failed immediately. Amber wasn’t the best at being subtle, she knew that. 

“My face?” Freddy asked, “This face?”

“Yeah!” 

Amber rolled her eyes, quickly straightening her sweater and turning a corner, walking out behind the boys, hands in her pockets. She quickly saw the school security guard - Officer Moran, not Moron -, and ducked around once more, leaning against the wall, trying to look casual.

“You boys got a hall pass?” He asked.

“Oh, us?” Freddy responded, turning to face him. “Yeah, always.”

That was when Moran stood up. “You!” He pointed at Freddy, much to the boy’s shock, “You look like you’re up to something.”

Amber had to hold back her sniggers. Oh my God, for once in his life, Red was right. She sighed, quickly watching as Freddy tried to cover his tracks with a grin on her face, seeing Billy’s smug ‘told ya so’ expression as they locked eyes. It was almost like a brief moment of ‘what are you doing here’ from both of them, with raised brows and awkward shifty eyes. 

[sl-walker]

All right, since I’m in the middle of a flare and have to work manual labor for the next four days despite it, I figured I would make myself -- and hopefully other people -- laugh by talking about one of my favorite OG Captain Marvel stories. Namely, from Whiz #50, with a cover date of January, 1944, meaning it was probably produced sometime in late 1943.

I want to share it because why not, this is some absurdly charming stuff.

I’ll get more into why it’s one of my favorites as we go, in the form of running commentary. So, full story (with said commentary) under the cut. If you wanna just read the story without my commentary, stick to the pictures. XD

First, let me say that the cover and splash page definitely live up to the story, though the cover’s a bit more sensationalized. But the premise is pretty damn simple: Our intrepid hero and his newsboy alter ego are on vacation. Cap decides to go swimming. It goes hilariously wrong and thus ensues a bit of a madcap adventure, no puns intended.

Second, the fact that Cap and Billy are depicted as essentially different entities makes what Billy does next the ultimate trolling:

Gee, airing out the stolen laundry on the radio? Really? I’ll leave it up to you, gentle reader, whether Billy actually was trolling his own alter-ego for ratings or whether he was just innocently sharing the story while his other-self winced quietly in whatever ether-space he exists in when not front-and-center.

Either way, I love it.

Continuing on...

I get a kick out of the fact that Billy’s monologue is that he’s no dare-devil. One, because that’s so obviously not true in any way -- (that kid is awesomely, sometimes recklessly brave on the regular even without Cap) -- but two, because the bridge is actually named Dare-Devil Bridge. We aren’t given any reason why this dangerous potential death-trap is there, hanging without so much as a gate or a warning sign or anything, because we don’t need one. It’s there specifically for what happens next.

Which, of course, is Billy calling in Captain Marvel, who does some light complaining about the situation Billy left him in. There’s no bite to it, which I find adorable -- Cap actually does get frustrated once or twice in other issues with Billy calling on him for mundane stuff, though he’s never mean about it -- but there is a bit of the sense of being put-upon there that’s just-- I dunno, cute. It’s something I miss a lot in the various post-crisis takes on the character: That duality, that difference in personality, and the way each of them responds to different situations. Often, they’re on the same page, but notably, sometimes, they aren’t.

Someday, I promise, I need to sit down and write how I think that works between those two without being a truly frightening mental illness manifested, what with them being the same person but not the same person. Because I have so many ideas, and I’ve only had since the early-2000s to percolate them. LOL! But until then, just enjoy this.

Here is another reason why I love the Golden Age Captain Marvel books and why I love this specific story: This is an absolutely normal, mundane thing to do. It’s the human thing to do. These aren’t the actions of some super-serious superdude. These are the actions of a pretty shockingly normal guy doing something mundane. And a whole story is built around that normalcy.

It’s cute. It’s funny. It’s the reader already knowing that he’s getting himself into a situation that he absolutely could have avoided, but also completely understanding how it happened anyway. It’s pretty brilliant writing: I say this as a pretty damned good writer myself.

So much of the reason why, I think, Cap was so endearing as a hero is that humanity. He’s got pretty much god-tier power in the Golden Age, once his powerset is established. He’s utterly invulnerable to all physical harm while powered up. But-- he’s human. He knows he’s human. He acts like it, and decides, “You know what? I’m going skinny-dipping.”

He and Billy are both characters it’s so easy to empathize with.

Also, a reminder that the art under Chief Artist C.C. Beck is really, really good. (He had a whole stable of artists to help produce this stuff!) Ignoring registration issues on the printing press, the actual line art is amazingly good; proportion and perspective and consistency.

But anyway--Cap does get to enjoy his swim. But, then, oh no.

I love the idea of a world where the prime hero -- and he definitely is in that world -- can take off his suit and go swimming, and where someone else is bold enough to steal the damn suit off of him. The first time I read this, I started laughing here. Not at him, but at the situation he’s found himself in. At the idea that some random passer-by saw Captain Marvel’s costume and went yoink!

Another thing I love about this particular story is how much Cap and Billy have to work together, just by necessity. Like-- it’s just really good. But anyway, thank everything Billy Batson is on the ball, coming to the rescue.

Sheer bad luck via the weather keeps this story rolling along in hilarious misdirections. Realistically, that uniform probably wouldn’t be all buttoned together (we see Cap take off pieces of it aside the pants in other issues, including socks!), but who cares? The point of the story is that giant bear rug on the floor’s gonna get put to use.

Man, when have you ever seen Superman creeping naked through some stranger’s house wearing nothing but a random polar bear because he went skinny dipping? No wonder these comics sold so well. This next panel is when I start wheezing, though, and pretty much keep wheezing.

“A lady, too! I’ve got to get away from here!”

I’m dying at this point. That’s such a characteristic response, and yet, I think that’s why it’s funny.

Anyway, because this is an excellent story (I mean this without an ounce of irony, too), our dynamic duo stumbles across a plot in play to rob the hotel they’re staying at.

Here’s a big part of why this is such a good tale: Everything fits. Even when it isn’t explained, like Dare-Devil Bridge, it still fits. Why is the tree down? Because there was just a thunder storm, the same one that blew Cap’s suit into the room with the gangsters.

I don’t know if this is Otto Binder’s story, but I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. It’s a complete story told in relatively few pages that accomplishes everything it’s meant to.

Anyway, using foliage as cover, Cap gets to be heroic----then Billy gets to get back to the business of trying to stop the robbery of the hotel and get his heroic alter-ego dressed again.  Which leads to a rather adorable and funny scene of Billy not only trying to describe what Captain Marvel wears, but what size it would need to be tailored in.

(Cap is supposedly a 44 for a suit coat, we find in some earlier appearance, which would refer to his chest size.  So, an XL for shirts and suit-coats.  He’s a big guy, but he’s actually not a hulking huge guy.  But more on that later.)

I love the fact Billy tries to like-- use himself as a model.  Maybe in another ten years, kiddo.  Billy’s actually pretty buff for like a 12-14 year old, he’s not a scrawny kid at this point, but yeah, no.  LOL!

Another thing I also really, really love about this style, though, is that they draw Captain Marvel as being strong, as having a powerful build-- but not as a dehydrated body-builder with deep cuts. He’s got human proportions, regardless of his strength; he’s got a human build, not a superhuman one.

C.C. Beck had a lot of things to say about superheroes who were just muscles on top of muscles, all clearly defined, and he didn’t like it.  As someone who first got into comics in the early 90s with Jim Lee’s X-Men--

I do get Beck’s point.  I not only get it, but I really highly approve of it.  He maintained to the end that he drew (and oversaw) the Marvel family to look like high school and college athletes, and I can see that.  I think the one person who’s gotten it right in the modern era is Evan “Doc” Shaner, who did Convergence: Shazam!  He not only nailed that strong-but-not-hulking build for Cap, but also how young he looked.  College-age, in fact.

But anyway, enough digression into art and why I like this better than most modern takes on the character.  Also, that’s just a cute set of panels.

I also like that there wasn’t an easy fix there.  Cap’s still in his not-birthday suit, and Billy’s still stuck running around trying to solve the issues at hand.  Next comes some other really good panels:

-snorts-  He’s locked in.  Yeah, that’ll hold him.

Anyway, what I really liked here was again that tandem working; Billy can’t punch through a wall, but Cap can.  Cap can’t crawl out while he’s au natural -- well, he could, but he’d probably rather die first -- but Billy’s got no such issue.  It’s just fun when you get to see them doing something like that.  You have to really think for a minute about the trust each of them must have in their alter-ego.

ANYWAY, we get the rare treat then--

--of Captain Marvel not only yoinking a dude into a dark room, but then stealing his clothes.  Except, not his underwear.  Because that’s nasty.  LOL!

I love that in this series, you do actually get to see him wear other stuff.  Go incognito.  Get his red suit messed up enough to take it to a dry cleaner��s, wherein he ends up dressed like a musketeer after.  Jerry Ordway’s series is, I think, the only other time we see Cap not wearing his famous suit, but it happened enough in the Golden Age that it wasn’t a shock.

Like, I hate to be the one to say this, but I do think DC drops the ball often on just how much you can do with Captain Marvel (or Shazam, depending on timeline, but that’s the wizard’s name to me so mostly I’ll stick with the original name) if you unbend enough to.  It’s not just the costume change, or the duality of him and Billy being the same but not, but also his inherent, essential humanity.

But I am digressing again, sorry. XD  I just feel strongly enough about these versions of these characters to spend hours writing this.

Anyway, only a single panel later:

And that’s that!  Billy Batson has just outed his own alter-ego’s most embarrassing moment to whomever’s listening to WHIZ radio -- thank everything podcasts and the internet weren’t available then, ha! -- and we get to see a recounting of a very fun story.

Like I said earlier, I love this one for its essential humanity.  The hero got himself into this mess, he and Billy got him out of this mess, and stopping the criminals was actually just kind of a lucky stroke thrown in there.  But even though Cap got himself into this, the story never treats him like he’s stupid.  It never treats him like he’s some kind of idiot.  You’re laughing, but-- not in a mean way.

I love how human it is.  How complete it is.  How genuinely funny it is.  It’s a thousand times more funny when you genuinely love and respect Captain Marvel and Billy Batson, too.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this dissertation on a skinny-dipping hero.  LOL!  I enjoyed sharing it with you.

[absollnk]

Censored and Slightly Refined version of “Three makes a fucking Burrito” I’m using for school (to clarify this is 2k words of agent 24 fluff)

Censor count (excluding minor swears): 8

Three's apartment was divided into four main sections: Bedroom, Bathroom, Living Room, and Kitchen. All of them had their own set of odors, but the Kitchen had the most by far. While the others wouldn't have more than a couple, the Kitchen's got butter, burnt microwave pizza, garbage, burnt cheese, vanilla air freshener, burnt tortilla,  T h e   S i n k…   That's all Three can remember off the top of her head. It's an omnipresent reminder of the fact that she isn't physically capable of actual cooking, or baking, or anything else of the sort. And that's a problem, because she wanted to surprise Eight with a nice, homemade dinner at least once before one of them kicked the bucket. And why not today, she thought. It would only be harder as she got older.

     Homemade. That's it. The thing that Three can't do. Her skillset is limited to cereal, kool-aid, and stuff with instructions on the package. Anything else never happened, and that's a problem because yada yada Eight, yada yada surprise. 

Damnit, now Three's procrastinating.

Three snapped back to reality and was staring right at her tiny electric stove. It had only two panels for pots or whatever they're called, and only one of them has she ever used. It had a huge black burn mark that's been building up over time that Three hides with a pan whenever the landlord visits. It was probably mostly cheese and ramen juice. 

Who was Three kidding. There was no way she could cook anything even remotely fancy for Eight. Not without help from the Bastard™.

Three sat herself on the counter, pulled her phone out of her pocket, and almost called Four before messaging her instead. It would be harder for her to ask questions.

Three: Hey

Four: This is already suspicious

Three: I need your help with something

Four: I'm honored, what do you want grumpy

Three: Im going to ignore that

Three: I need help with cooking something

Four: Hmm

Four: Is it for Eight?

Hmph.

Three: No

Four: I know you aren't cooking for yourself, you sad little swamp monster

Four: And there's no way you're doing it for anyone else

Hmph.

Three: Well played

Three: Help me or I remove a corner of your head with a brick

Four: Fine

Four: I'm only helping because I know you love me :)

Three: I love you like a sister

Three: >10% of the time

Four: :}

Three: Help me

Four: First of all, what do you even want to make for her?

Oh, that's another thing. Three doesn't know what Eight likes. All she had for most of her life was basically nutritious sawdust, so nearly everything up on the surface is fantastic to her. It's hard to tell what she likes more than other things.

Three: No clue, she likes everything

Four: Well, then what does she like more than average?

Four: Gee whiz, Three. Use your head!!! Do you have any more brain cells than your name implies?

Three: Listen

Three: If I knew, I would've told you, twat. It's hard to tell what she likes extra

Three: Wait just had an idea

Three: I should make her something she's never had before

Four: That might be difficult

Four: Didn't Eight gain like ten pounds right after she escaped because Off the Hook took her to so many food joints?

Three: Yeah but

Three: Im like 84% sure she's never had a burrito

Four: Gourmét

Three: Shut the hell up

Three: You know just as well as I do that her first burrito better be a damn good one

Four: True

Four: So a burrito it is?

Three: Yeah

Four: Ok that's not that hard

Four: What do you think she would like in a burrito?

Three: Probably just bean and cheese or something

Three: Maybe a little bit of hot sauce

Four: Do you have those things?

Three: Damnit

Three: Hold on I'm gonna go get those real quick

Four: Are you serious

Three: Yeah give me like ten minutes

Four: Good luck

Three checked the time as she dashed to the door. 6:03 P.M. She had exactly twenty-seven minutes to have a perfect bean n' cheese ready before Eight finished clothes shopping with Off the Hook. 

Three was fully aware of how illegal it was to super jump anywhere in Inkopolis that wasn't currently being used for recreation (turfing/ranked/league). She was also fully aware of how unenforced that law was. Every other day or so, you would get to see some random idiot land on the rooftop of some random building because they're in a rush. It was Three's turn to be that idiot. Again.

Three ran up her apartment complex's stairwell until she reached the door to the roof. It was covered in mechanical nonsense that she didn't recognize but found familiar after being seen so many times. Three was very confident in her super jump accuracy. Working for the NSS is the reason, no doubt. All those launchpads every other minute… Ever since Three chewed up and spat out and on Octavio, she hadn't missed a single jump. Except for the time she was in a panic and almost got flattened to the road.

Three aligned herself with the closest grocery store, shifted into a squid, and took off. She soared through the air and landed right on the roof of a MakoMart. Not the one modified for turfing. 

She dropped off the side and jog-ran around to the front entrance. The automatic doors slid open and Three dashed inside.

It wasn't too busy, being Thursday. It looked to be mostly filled with Jellies and older Inklings. Three was very familiar with the store. She's bought food almost exclusively from here since moving into her apartment 3 years back. She still had almost no idea where anything was because she only buys six or seven things over and over again.

She snatched a basket and walked along the outsides of the aisles, scanning the signs for the things she needed. She knew cheese was at the back with the other refrigerated stuff, she'd get that last.

Three saw "tortillas" on a sign along with other bread and bread-like items above an aisle near the center of the store. Unlike most MakoMarts, this one carried almost exclusively food and a few other essentials. It didn't have to be so disgustingly large like the rest of its locations.

It occurred to Three that she had no knowledge on the difference between the two types of tortillas. She knew that one was good and that the other should be reserved only for the residents of Extra-Hell, but she didn't know which was which. She had no choice. Time was running slim already, it's 6:06. Only 24 minutes left. It's time to call.

Four picked up on the first ring. "Sup?"

"I don't remember which tortillas don't taste like garbage."

"Just get the name brand ones."

Three dropped a pack into her basket and instantly had second thoughts. It was like one of those scenes in cheesy horror movies when Protagonist picks up the object that just happens to be cursed.

"Are you sure? I think they hate me."

"Were they more expensive?"

"Yes."

"Then you're good. Now go get some canned microwaveable beans. You don't have the time or equipment to make anything better." Four hung up.

After Three found all that she needed, she speed-walked back to the front of the store. The place's only downside was the lack of self checkout; talking to a cashier was necessary.

On the contrary, the amount of open lanes was usually more than the amount of customers, so that was a plus.

Three found an empty lane and threw the ingredients onto the conveyor. She started fumbling with her watch before anything even reached the dude about to scan her stuff.

He seemed to notice Three's hurried state and tried to work quickly to match it. Because Three only bought three things (tortillas, bag of shredded cheese, mild hot sauce), the cashier had her total in under 15 seconds.

"927 g, please." Three held out her wrist and he scanned her watch, taking the needed money. "See you again on Friday," he dismissed her. Three gave a thumbs-up and dashed out the automatic doors.

Three ran back around into the alley and super jumped back to the roof of her apartment building from there. She took the stairwell back to her floor and ran to her apartment and kicked the door open. She left it unlocked because:

A. she would only be gone for a short time, and

B. no one would want her stuff anyway.

Three dumped the food onto the counter and called Four. She answered on the fifth ring.

"Hot sauce," she said immediately.

"I'm back," Three replied.

"What.. the hell? You were only gone for, like, 6 minutes."

"Yeah, and Eight gets back in 22."

"Okay, you need to slow down," said Four. "Making a burrito takes less than five minutes and you know her moms are always late. In fact, I'd recommend just waiting for a bit so Eight doesn't have to eat cold burrito."

"I.. fine, you're right. What should I do in the meantime? Should I turn on the stove early? What pan should I- nevermind I only have one. I should rewash it to make sure it's clean..."

"Girl, chill out," said Four. "You have so much time right now. Your pan is clean. Put the cheese in the fridge and wait like twenty minutes before you start doing anything. Then call me back."

Three took a deep breath. "Ok. Talk to you then."

"Now you're getting it. Bye." Four hung up.

Three spent the next twenty minutes mentally preparing for 6:28 p.m. and the events that would follow. It was like preparing for a hard boss fight, except losing wouldn't just mean wasting a few hours. It would mean disappointing her. Gorl. Eight.

And that can't happen.

Finally, Three watched as the timer on her phone hit zero. It was time. She called Four yet again and she answered on the first ring.

"I was expecting you," Four said.

"It's been twenty minutes," Three replied.

"You're an absolute child," Four said. "Turn on the burner."

So that's what it's called. Burner.

"How high?" Three asked.

"It literally doesn't matter. Just remove the tortilla once it gets nice tan spots on both sides."

After a hectic five minutes of preparing a burrito, four more of starting over, and Four's patience being worn thin, Three had something she was satisfied with. She had to admit to herself, it looked good. She wrapped it in tinfoil to preserve the heat.

No more than 24 seconds later did Three hear a knock on the door. "I'm hanging up," Three told Four matter-of-factly.

"Oh, come on!" She complained. "I worked hard to get you here. I'm going to see.. hear the payoff."

"Fine, but shut up."

There was another knock. "Hello? It's Eight."

“And us,” Marina shouted.

"Be there in a sec!" Three turned to her phone. "I said shut up."

"I didn't say anything!"

Three opened the door and Eight was there, flanked by Pearl and Marina. "Hi," Three said.

"Why are you smiling so unnaturally wide?" asked Marina.

"No," responded Three.

"That doesn't even make sense," said Pearl. "What's burning?"

"No I'm not," said Three. Eight snickered.

"You know, you're lucky," said Marina. "Any other time I would do a full-scale search of your apartment, but we have to announce a Splatfest tomorrow."

"She'd also interrogate you detective-style," said Pearl.

"Ah" was all Three could generate as a response. It's not like what they said deserved a better one.

"We'll be fine," Eight told them.

"Well, alright then. See you soon," concluded Marina. 

"Be safe," added Pearl as the two ran off.

"Three?" Eight called after a few seconds. "You there?"

"Yeah, sorry," Three said. "Those two know how to get into my head."

"Everyone does," Eight pointed out.

"Soooooo, I, uh, made you a burrito."

"Ooohh! Is that what's on fire?"

"No! That's just what my stove smells like. Here." Three lead Eight to the section of her counter that functioned as a table. 

"Tada," said Three with minimal enthusiasm.

"Uh, eating metal doesn't really.. work. I've tried."

"Oh, l need to take off the foil… now tada."

"Ooooooohhhh!" Eight oohed. "That's what that is! I've seen them in commercials and stuff but I didn't know what they were called. They looked good."

Eight took a moment to figure out how to hold the burrito and took a bite as Three watched in anticipation. It felt like one of those cooking shows but completely not at all at the same time.

"It's good!" Eight said after swallowing her bite.

"That's all?" asked Three, slightly disappointed.

"Well, it's warm and it tastes good and it's a little spicy, which I really like, but the crust is kinda weird."

"Crust? The tortilla?" Three asked. And then it clicked. She took another from the bag to make sure. She took a bite out of the tortilla and gagged.

"Haha, got ‘em," said Four through Three's phone.

Three threw the phone into the dishwasher, slammed it shut, and started it.

[blogusediphones]

Ten Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Buy an iPhone

This has been the week from hell as far as iPhone hype goes. Over and over and over, we’ve all been subjected to more and more iPhone blather. Enough already! It’s time to cut this stupid phone down to size, once and for all! And mark my words, that’s all it is…a stupid phone! It is not a cure for cancer, it will not bring peace to the world, it will not feed the hungry or provide homes to the homeless. It’s a freaking phone and it’s high time somebody drew a line in the sand and said: Thus far and no farther with the iBlather! So here are ten reasons why you should NOT buy an iPhone. No doubt the Apple Cultists will flame me for saying it like it is but it’s about time somebody did. So here is why you should avoid this vile piece of over-hyped crap:

10. Too Expensive

Is Apple kidding us? $599 for a freaking phone? Wow…just wow. No phone is worth that much money even if it has a few “gee whiz” and “it’s neat” type features. Apple has gone way, way off the deep end this time with the price of this behemoth phone. Why would anybody be foolish enough to pay that much for a cell phone? Are people that addicted to blabbing on the phone that they must pay $600 to do so? Sheesh, get a life people. Do you really want to waste your money lining the pockets of Steve Jobs and his minions at Apple? Take the $599 and do something productive with it instead of wasting it on yet another over-hyped, over-priced Apple product.

9. Tiny Storage

Well just as with the iPod, we can always count on Apple screwing us over with tiny amounts of storage space. The $499 iPhone has 4GB and the $599 has 8GB. What on earth does Apple expect people to do with that tiny bit of storage space? Think about it. The vaunted iPhone is supposed to be able to play movies as well as play songs. Well how many movies are you going to be able to store with just 4GB of storage space? And how many songs can you carry? To say nothing of your other data that you might need to tote around with you. Apple appears to have rushed headlong into the release of the iPhone with no thought whatsoever about how starved for storage space iPhone users will soon be. And what does Jobs think is going to happen? That people will carry around a terabyte external hard disk with them to desperately try to carry their needed data? Come off it, Steve. The minimum data storage for the $499 iPhone should have been 500GB at the very least with the top of the line model having at least 800GB or preferably 1 terabyte.

8. Stylish and Stupid

There’s no doubt about it that the iPhone look “stylish” when you first see it. But isn’t that really the problem with all of Apple’s products? They look pretty but provide very low value for the price? Do you really want to be a loser that overpays for the iPhone just to look cool for a little while? Don’t forget that no matter how “stylish” you look, sooner or later other people will have an iPhone and then you’ll just look stupid. Is that what you’re really after? To look stupid trying to be cooler than everybody else? Hey, you can do that without spending $600. In fact, you may have already achieved that goal just by reading this column but I’ll leave that to each reader to decide for themselves.

7. Stuck With AT&T

One of the worst things that Apple ever did was to sign a five year exclusive agreement with AT&T to be the wireless provider for the iPhone. Five years! So if you use Verizon, Tmobile, or some other provider, you can’t get an iPhone unless you switch to AT&T. To date AT&T doesn’t seem to have all that great of a reputation as a mobile service provider. I can’t speak from experience because I’ve never used them but isn’t it odd how a fossil from telephone service days gone by (AT&T) ended up in bed with Apple, a company that likes to pride itself on being “cutting edge.” It’s the telecom marriage made in hell! What exactly was Apple thinking here? Did it deliberately decide to screw over customers on other services? We’ll never know what on earth was going through Steve Jobs’ head when he made this wacky decision (was his turtleneck too tight and it cut off the blood supply to his head?) but anybody on a different wireless carrier will have to live with it unless they want to switch to AT&T.

6. Edge and Not 3G

Apple’s decision to go with AT&T is also costly for another reason. The iPhone apparently will be using AT&T’s super-slow and crappy Edge data service instead of 3G. Wow. Another major screw-up by Apple. Are you willing to pay for a slow data connection on your “cool” iPhone? Stop and think about that for a minute. You’re going to be paying for a data service that might take a few minutes to load this web page, depending on how it performs that day you use it. Given that the iPhone is supposed to be “cutting edge”, I can’t imagine what Apple was thinking to release it on a service that doesn’t offer 3G data transfer speeds. It’s like Apple released a corvette that can only go up to 35mph. What the heck is the point?

5. No Flash or Java Support

Flash and Java are both pretty basic parts of the web experience. And yet Steve Jobs and his lackeys have arbitrarily decided to exclude them from the iPhone web experience. So much for “the internet in your pocket” blather that Jobs was spewing earlier on. It’s more like the “crippled, crappy, lame version of the Internet in your pocket” instead. No doubt though that Apple’s marketing department will probably put their usual spin on this and start touting the iPhone as being “Flash-free” or “Java-free” as though both things were positives instead of negatives. And you know what? The Apple Faithful will eat it up! They’ll storm out onto the Web and begin filling discussion forums and newsgroups with inane comments about how the iPhone “protects” users from evil things like Flash and Java. I guess when you’re the head of a cult, you can make people believe anything.

4. Two Year Contract and $175 Termination Fee

When you buy an iPhone you better get ready to pay out even more! You’ll have to agree to a 2 year contract, whether you like it or not. And what happens if you decide to switch to another wireless provider? Get ready because you’ll have to cough up another $175 to regain your freedom from the tyranny of AT&T and Apple. Talk about a ripoff!

3. No Keyboard

I’m sorry but I’m not buying the “multitouch is great” line of thinking. I don’t want to be dependent on a stupid touch screen, I want a keyboard! Who knows how accurate the iPhone’s touch screen keyboard will be? Early rumors suggest that it might be a disaster in the making. Do you really want to pay $599 or even $499 to find out that it’s a total pain in the rear end just to text somebody and that you have no option whatsoever for a built-in keyboard? What was Apple thinking here? No hardware keyboard and a dubious, iffy software based keyboard that could be completely unusable for most people? No thanks! Put a hardware-based keyboard in the next version, Apple, and maybe it will be worth considering.

2. Crapfari Instead of Firefox​

One of the most disappointing and shocking things about the iPhone is that it ships with the second (or is it third or fourth rate?) browser known as Safari. I prefer to call it Crapfari as there are just far too many sites that don’t work properly with it for me to consider it a real browser. Instead of shipping with a real browser like Firefox, Apple chooses its bastard step-child of a browser. And then it has the temerity, the impudence to release the same bug-ridden piece of junk on Windows right before the launch! Could Apple be more arrogant? How many people are aware of just how bad the Crapfari browser really is and that they will have no alternative on the iPhone? I bet there will be a lot of shocked and angry iPhone users once they start trying to use the web and find that the Crapfari browser won’t display their favorite sites properly. Well what did they expect from a fourth rate browser anyway?And here’s the number one reason why you shouldn’t even consider buying an iPhone:1. I’ll Get to the Apple Store Ahead of YouIf you’ve read this far then you’ve finally discovered the *real* reason I wrote this column.You see, I’m out to dissuade as many people as possible from buying an iPhone so that I have less competition on Friday when I go to get mine. Yep, this entire column is nothing more than a self-serving ruse at giving myself the best chance possible to snag an iPhone on opening day.The fewer people that are interested in the iPhone, the better my chances at getting one! So in this column I’ve just regurgitated all the usual FUD about the iPhone, Apple, and AT&T in a blatant attempt to discourage you from being remotely interested in buying one.And I want one…make no mistake about it…I want an iPhone…bad! It’s all I’ve been able to think about for the last few days…I’ve been dreaming of ditching my crappy Verizon phone and holding the sleek, sexy iPhone in the palm of my hand.Yes…I must have one…and I will have one! No matter who or what gets in my way! So don’t even bother to leave your house on launch day to get an iPhone. If you do, you’ll find that I got there ahead of you and bought the last one. Muhuhahahahha! Suckers!Did my ruse work? Have you been dissuaded from buying an iPhone? Tell me in the forum.

[nickgerlich]

Eyes To See

Sometimes Marketers simply cannot see the truth. No matter how many times customers tell them their product sucks, that they don’t need it, that it won’t make their lives any better, companies double down and produce ever more of it anyway.

If you’ve heard the phrase oft attributed to Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” you know what I’m talking about.

“But but but...you’re really going to like it this time!” is what they also seem to be saying.

Like with the new Ray-Ban Stories smart sunglasses, developed in tandem with Facebook. Think traditional sunglasses, but with many of the same capabilities that the failed Google Glass had when it was being tested nine years ago. And these really do look cool, as opposed to the Star-Trek-inspired Google Glass.

Starting at $299 and then going up with prescription lenses, Ray-Ban Stories allow wearers to listen to music, take photos and 30-second videos, and make phone calls. There’s no heads-up display, so you won’t have to worry as much about walking off a New York City curb into traffic. Those buses don’t stop.

Two lenses--one on each side--provide for an almost stereo-photographic effect. A tiny LED bulb turns white when in video mode, so that oncomers and those around you can know when video mode is enabled.

Which brings up the issue of privacy, if there is such a thing in public. Some will say these new specs are still creepy. Technically, we have no expectation of privacy while out and about, but it is just rude to point a camera at people and start shooting with reckless abandon. You might just get punched. Trust me, I know. I’ve had enough crazy encounters while photographing old signs in derelict neighborhoods to know that people walking around there probably have something to hide, and do not want to be captured on your little memory card for God-knows-what purposes.

Been there, been threatened.

So let’s just call that little LED your bullhorn announcement that you’re rolling. Pretty sure that Spielberg started out with much better equipment than this.

And yet they are pretty cool looking, if only because they are Ray-Ban sunglasses at the core, but with some added gee-whiz technology. That’s where Google Glass and the others that followed have fallen short. You know what? I’d be down with a pair.

As per the reviews, though, and I figured this would happen as soon as I saw the announcement, the quality of your photos is marginal. As an extremely nitpicky photographer, I know I would be frustrated. It would be like that 1996-era Casio digital camera I had. Point, shoot, pray for good results.

No zooming. No previewing. No framing the subject. Just aim your head and click.

But if you want to just be in the moment, and not have to worry about image quality nor juggling gear, this would be the way to go. And those short videos can capture a lot of goodness, even if you won’t win an Oscar. If all you want is basic street photography and video, these could provide some nice additions to what you would capture with your real camera or phone. If all you want to do is play with your kids or pets and grab some footage, then these are the sporty shades you want for sure.

All of which has me plotting. Get a current eye exam. Find Ray-Ban dealer. Order.  Then let the fun begin.

Maybe--just maybe---perseverance by the Marketers will work out this time, and the insanity will be over. The others just had it wrong all along, and now Ray-Ban and Facebook have hit on a piece of wearable hardware that will capture the fancy of consumers, as well as a lot of cool pics and video.

Just don’t punch me if we bump into one another, and white light is on.

Dr “Say Cheese!“ Gerlich

Audio Blog

[gripefroot]

Distractions

It's nice to not be front and center on a mission for once. Sprawled out in the cockpit of the Quinjet with Bucky, watching feeds from body cams as the rest of the team struggles to infiltrate a high-end art auction - it has all the promise of an excellent evening in. You'd even found some popcorn - a bowl is cradled between the two pilot chairs. Bucky's boots are propped up on the console, but that only adds to the hilarity. Stark's gonna be furious.

"Take the next left, Barton," you say through a mouthful of popcorn. "Guard's down the northwest stairwell."

Clint's cam feed changes abruptly.

"Camera on your left, Steve," Bucky says. "Hug the wall if you don't wanna be seen." Bucky glances over at you, and you wink. An excellent night off. He reaches over for more popcorn.

"Turn your head Nat - a guy at your two o'clock is taking a picture and he's got your profile."

Natasha ducks her head, and a flash goes off on her camera feed, making it static.

"You shouldn't take pictures of art," Bucky comments. "The painting, I mean - it's an antique. Bad manners, dude."

"Didn't know you were an art expert," you say, glancing over at him with a wink.

"I've known Steve practically all my life. I know way more about art than I ever wanted," Bucky says, his tone annoyed but a fond little smile on his face, just for you.

"Hey - " Steve protests.

"Why do I feel like we're being made fun of?" Sam asks crossly. He's heading down a marble staircase to the main party.

"Because you are," you tease him. "Usually Barnes and I are the ones going in and you guys are giving us a hard time. Let us enjoy it."

Sam harrumphs, and Clint groans.

"If Barnes is an art expert, maybe he should be the one down here," Stark says snidely.

"There's Hydra agents crawling everywhere. I'd be recognized."

"Then maybe you should've stayed home instead of snarking at us - " Sam grumbles.

"Aw, come on - then who would be keeping me company?" you say lightly. Bucky laughs, before disguising it to a cough, and his hand creeps over to snag his index finger beneath your thigh holster and give a teasing tug. It's an electric touch. His eyes are glittering in the dim lights of the Quinjet, which is parked above the building the party is being held in - through the front windows, New York City lights twinkle. It's more romantic than the usual stakeout, that's for sure. Kissing later, perhaps?

"You in, Sam?" Stark asks.

"He's in," you say on Sam's behalf, since Sam can't speak very well surrounded by people. He's weaving around waiters carrying trays of champagne. One beady stare is being directed towards him, and quickly you add, "Your seven o'clock is giving you a once over, Sammy. Look natural."

A low grumble from Sam. Then he's nearing Natasha, who turns to him with a beaming smile. Look natural - but Natasha knows what she's doing - she looks an arm around Sam's waist, and suddenly the camera feeds are getting very close and fuzzy.

You gasp aloud, and Bucky pretends to gag.

"I didn't say kiss her!" you laugh. "Gee whiz, Sammy!"

"Kill me!" Bucky moans. "Kill me in the eyes!"

"Drama queen," Stark mutters.

"Glad I didn't have to see that close-up," Clint says, ducking into a supply room.

"Can we get back to the mission?" Steve snaps.

"I dunno, Steve," you sigh. "I did not sign up to watch ya'll swap spit. I'm rethinking this."

"Did Wilson lose his bogey?" Natasha asks under her breath, her body cam trained on an abstract painting.

"Yep," you confirm. "So no more kissing, kids."

"Kissing always works. You know how it goes, 28."

"Yeah, yeah; I know."

You can feel Bucky's suspicious gaze on your face, and you shovel in more popcorn to keep from grinning. "So. Anyone have eyes on that shooter yet?"

[xnbelievablc]

heyy!! im late to the party kinda!!! under the cut is all about mia!!

she’s 23

she recently graduated college w a major in botany and a minor in business. and she owns beautiful blossoms in town. 

the shop was started by her grandparents but it skipped mia’s mom and dad bc they’re both teachers and mia practically grew up in the shop tbh. once she was old enough she started working there and pretty much took over at like 17 but not legally tbh just kinda managed it. 

but once she graduated college her grandparents were like hey if u want we can sign the shop over to u bc they were pretty old so yeah its been around for a while

in school she was super smart and super kind. she went through college on paid scholarships for academics and cheer. 

she was a party girl but never got trashed, just a couple drinks here and there. 

she loves the shop its honestly her favorite thing. she was always good at art and this is her way of creating art w out painting, drawing, sculpting and stuff.

she’s a lot of fun tbh i love her

oh her secret is that she doesn’t believe in love but its literally bc she sees so many people get divorced and she was in a long term relationship in college and he cheated on her so like ‘if he really loved me why would he cheat’ sort of thing

here’s some plots i’d like!!!

her best friend - genuinely the person she absolutely trusts w her life. probably that ‘hey u wanna be best friends’ in kindergarten thing and just kinda stuck together. mia isn’t violent, but she would probably kill for her.

her childhood best friend - they were kid best friends and honestly probably should have been together at some point but they never really tried it or talked about it. they were super close and everyone thought they were together but nah just friends.

you work at the tattoo parlor next door to my flower shop and the first time you came in i thought you were going to rob me bc holy shit that’s a LOT of tattoos and wow you just look really scary but you’re actually pretty nice??? and every time you come in you just buy a single flower and then you leave and that’s literally the only interaction we have for months until one night it’s super late when i close up and you pull up on a harley davidson and ask if i need a ride home??? uh sure thanks i guess??? and i get up the courage to ask you what you use the flowers for and turns out you use them as a reference when making flower tattoos that’s super cool tell me more (and gee whiz your helmet hair is really freaking hot wtf) (not mine i took it from a plot page whoops we can change details to make it work btw!!!)

someone that comes into the shop always and just gets random things like one flower or like an entire boquet and is literally her favorite person bc not only do they support the business, but she literalyl just loves arranging flowers and talking to that person

a pen pal??? bc like theres people who moved there recently and maybe they were about the same age and the schools linked up and were like ‘hey lets do penpals for this second grade class’ and they were paired up and always stayed in contact or didnt bc if they didnt one night they could just be like oh hey i forgot but i meant to tell u i used to have a penpal w ur name and i always thought that was kinda cool

they’re not friends but they kinda are?? they always end up at the same place together and they’re always friendly but it doesnt ever go anywhere? like at a party and they just kinda speak to one another and we can easily help that grow into a friendship or something tbh

[longforgottenunofficial]

There Goes The Bride

Let's wrap up our current tour of the attic.  Don't worry, we'll be back. Consider the following scenario: A razzle-dazzle new ghost is installed at the DL HM attic, with high expectations, but the effect is basically pretty simple, achieved simply by clever manipulation of light projection.  Alas, the figure is too close to the track for the effect to be truly convincing, and the Imagineers fiddle unsuccessfully with the new figure, trying to get it to look right... Sounds like you-know-who, but of course I'm talking about Constance.  The only thing missing is the part where they give up and take it out. There isn't much to say about how the Constance effect works.  It's the old "Leota effect," a projected movie on a white dummy.  The problem for many fans is that it looks like what it is, a two-dimensional projection.  The arms in particular are unconvincing.  There's evidence that the Imagineers are aware of the problem and have experimented with ways to improve the look.  Compare these two shots of the mannequin under regular lighting.

If anyone wants MY free advice, I'd say the secret is to go fuzzy.  Her arms should be nothing more than white, blurry shapes, just thick cloudy hoses.  You could sharpen up the hands and hatchet when the hatchet appears, but only for a second.  Murk it up, boys, murk it up. By all counts, the WDW version looks and sounds better than the DL version.  Even in photos you can see the difference.  Here's DL Connie:

And here's WDW Connie:

(pic by Jeff Fillmore)

Definitely better, but we're still not at the "Gee whiz, how do they do that?" stage for anyone over 11.  Hate to sound harsh, but there it is.  Is she better than what she replaced?  For ease of comparison, here are three nice 3D's, showing the three basic bride types over the years.

Let's talk about something else.  Let's talk about the other razzle-dazzle effect that came into the attic with Connie: the wedding portraits.  Here the verdict is much more positive.  When they're working right, they are impressive, very much in the coveted "how do they do it?" category.

So how do they do it?  You may have noticed that when people don't know how a Mansion effect is achieved, and they want to sound like they doknow, so as impress their friends, they mumble about "fiber optics" and "holograms" and sprinkle the word "digital" around like oregano on a pizza.  Most of the time they overshoot, spinning out elaborate explanations when the reality is some ridiculously simple trick.  Like so many other effects in the HM, this attic-portrait effect is essentially pretty simple.  You have a painting on a thin, translucent fabric, and another painting underneath it.  There's a spotlight on the front and a sort of light box behind.  Actually, it's a little more technical than that, but I'm going to spare you the details.  It's all digital fiber optics, and other things you wouldn't understand.  Anyway, when the light box is dark and the frontal spotlight is on, you see the front painting with the guy's head on.  When the spotlight goes out and the light box in back goes on, you see the headless version behind it.  That's because when the back one is lit up, you see it through the translucent front painting, which is now unlit and essentially invisible.  It's the old scrim trick, not different in principle from the ceiling in the stretching room.

You can most easily figure out how it works when it isn't working!  It is extremely important that the spotlight fade in and out in such perfect coordination with the fading in and out of the back lighting that you don't notice any difference in overall luminosity.  Sometimes they're out of whack, and you can notice the picture brightening and fading in synch with the disappearing head.  The following two shots are grabs from the same continuous video.  Note how the frame is illumined when Reginald's head is visible, but not when it isn't.  It's not supposed to be like that.

The other reason the effect can be figured out is because it's been done before, more or less. Sherman, set the Wayback machine for Paris in the 1890's. The Montmartre section of Paris saw the invention of the fully-themed nightclub during the late Victorian era, including costumed staff, elaborate decor, and theatrical floor shows.  Some of them had otherworldly themes and put on ghost shows.  One of the most successful was the Cabaret du Néant ("Tavern of Nothingness" or "Tavern of the Dead"), where the theme was death and decay.  In the first room, the waiters dressed as undertakers and you sat at tables that looked like coffins.  In the second room they had a first-rate magic stunt in which volunteers from the audience would stand in a coffin and turn into a skeleton (and back again; sorry, it's the law).  In yet a third room the volunteers would sit onstage while ghosts that they could not see (but the audience could) made them look like perfect fools.  By that point you were pretty drunk and thought this was the funniest thing you'd ever seen.  And I dunno, maybe it was.  We'll go back to the intriguing C du N sometime later, since it is undoubtedly a source of inspiration for the Haunted Mansion, but for now I want to point out a special effect in the first room, which room looked like this:

Like the chandelier?  Anyway, the walls were covered with normal-looking paintings that changed before your eyes into gruesome scenes.  Sounds familiar, doesn't it?  You would think such a subtle effect would not be picked up under the harsh lighting necessary for 1890's photography, but not so.  In the photo above, note the large painting on the left with a skeleton in it and another, smaller painting up in the right hand corner with nothing showing on it:

In other photos of the Cabaret, the skeleton in that left hand painting is halfway or nearly gone.

Conversely, in other photos the smaller painting has a skull in it.  Here's a side-by-side:

You're looking at the direct predecessors to the changing portraits in the Haunted Mansion, kids.  But how did they do it back then?  The gullible masses may have been baffled, but not Albert A. Hopkins.  No, siree. "Around the walls of the room are placed pictures to which the spectator's attention is called by the lecturer.  Seen by the light of the room these pictures are ordinary scenes, but a new aspect is given to each when the lights directly behind it are turned on; the figures in it appear as skeletons, each picture being in fact a transparency giving a different effect as it is lighted from the rear or as seen simply by reflected light."

The main difference between this effect and the HM wedding portraits is that the Cabaret du Néant pictures were evidently paintings on both sides of the same thin cloth, while the Disney version uses two separate paintings on top of each other and more sophisticated lighting so as to make use of the scrim trick.  Still and all, the similarities are greater than the differences. [Edit: I now think Hopkins got it wrong.] There's an interesting footnote with regard to these changing attic portraits.  They were installed in May 2006, but more than a year before that the pictures in the changing portrait hall were replaced with fancy new ones with a more impressive lightning-flash effect.  These work the same way the attic portraits work, with two layers and backlighting.  That was in January 2005.  A few months before that, something very weird happened in the portrait hall that is little-remembered today because it didn't last long.  One day in August 2004, the stretch room doors opened and guests found themselves in a noticeably lighter portrait hall, with out-of-place looking Art Nouveau-style light fixtures by the doors, a more lurid, bright green EXIT sign over the chicken exit, and a row of light fixtures along the wall under the portraits, illuminating them.  As usual, Allen Huffmann at Disneyfans (an invaluable resource) got some photos.

Everyone thought these abominations had something to do with "safety" and muttered unkind things about Disney lawyers and OSHA inspectors.  When the EXIT signs returned to sane levels and the goofy lights were gone, the whole business was quickly forgotten. I don't think the mounted lights under the portraits had anything to do with safety.  I mean, come on, were people bumping into the wall?  What I think the Imagineers were doing was experimenting with frontal illumination for the hallway portraits.  If the lighting could be successfully controlled so that the front could gradually come up while the backlighting went down, these paintings could have been as sophisticated as the wedding portraits.  If this surmise is correct, the experiment must have failed.  The changing portraits have no special frontal illumination.  This means that in order for the back-side portrait to be visible, it has to be very light and the front portrait much darker, so that backlighting alone can do the job.  It's a cruder effect.  That's why the changing portraits in every case flash to a secondary image that is all white.

Originally Posted: Monday, June 7, 2010 Original Link: [x]

[pldubrahs]

anyway, this has been a While coming and now im back in new orleans so LOTS OF GUSHING ABOUT THE LIGHTNING THIEF MUSICAL, UNDER THE CUT

the ambiance of the theater, dim and filled with soft storm sounds

this show does really beautiful things with overlapping singing and w harmonys and its So low budget but still so good and the cast is small but amazing and literally everyone but chris is cast into several roles and its just amazing

if u dont wanna read this whole thing, just scroll down to the end for a Special Surprise

ACT 1

the Bitter, Angry, Sad music, ltm is truly the Emo Rock Musical we deserve

i seriously almost fell out of my chair when chris mccarrell came out. he honest to god was SUCH a good percy, so fidgety and all his expressions were ON POINT

“CHROOONOOOOOOOS”

ms dodds in General she was hilarious for the literal 3 minutes she was onstage

the pen to sword transformation is literally just: chris hides the pen and grabs the sword from somewhere else onstage. during my show, in the ms dodds fight scene, the sword was on the back of chirons wheelchair and it got stuck so he had to trip after the chair as chiron wheeled off and TUG it off to fight

DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVED CHRIS MCCARRELL AND HOW AMAZING HIS VOICE WAS? BECAUSE I DO AND IT W A S

sally is a BLACK WOMAN 

just in general, this show was Amazing at raceblind casting

sally sprayed febreeze after smelly gabe, like he leaned to look in the fridge and she stood behind him spraying febreeze directly at him for like 30 seconds

“he was handsome and strong and before too long- you came!” percy was roasting marshmallows and looking out towards the audience and sally was rubbing up and down the sides of her body during this before “you came!” and it was v funny

Strong in general was Great bc WOW IM LOVE THE “NORMALCY IS A SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED MYTH” MESSAGE

grover and percy meeting outside camp

“oh look a goat” “percy!”

“he met a furie” “youre all furry! what happened to your legs”

the v cute friendship bickering, overlapping voices thing that percy and grover v often did. this was the grover and percy friendship that we always needed

during the weird dream when he sees annabeth and hes like “gee whiz shes the most beautiful girl ive ever seen”

and then when he officially meets her after hes not out of it, he says “youre my dream girl!” and then backpedals and its great

ANOTHER TERRIBLE DAY. DEFFS ONE OF THE TOP FIVE SONGS. MR D IN GENERAL WAS JUST AMAZING, GEORGE SALAZAR ROCKED IT

he kicked the chair over so much and then there was a part after his camp halfblood intern thing left so his chair didnt get reset behind him and so he kicked into the air, got frustrated, and put the chair up himself

“of course, who am i to give relationship advice, im literally the god of alcohol”

“you can hate it here, but i HATED IT FIRST”

so so so many Soft sex jokes and bc im a Child i loved them 

chiron is just a guy galloping with a horse tail its the cutest thing and everyone laughed bc like imagine a kid galloping w their legs high and w/e, but on an adult and slow motion

“you’ll get used to mr d. he can be a bit... well, he hates children”

luke was Very attractive and ALSO he had a lot of chemistry w percy and w annabeth and i, who remembered shipping percy and luke back in my Youth, was Living

annabeth deffs had a crush on luke dont @ me

also luke was Softly bitter. like he sounded like a modern kid, bitter and upset but saying it in a joking way; totally makes sense that no one suspects that he’d do anything w chronos bc all the kids are upset and he doesnt get dark until the very end of the show

“are you ever going to wear pants again?” “Nope!”

luke: “havent you ever played capture the flag?” percy, excitedly: “not with swords!” *makes swooshy lightsaber noises* annabeth, suffering, full of regret: “It’s not a lightsaber.”

“sexist much?” “no, i love girls” [muffled luke and grover cackling in the background]

CLARISSE, LOVE OF MY LIFE! her song was so so good

im sure everyone has mentioned this but the LEAF BLOWERS BLOWING TOILET PAPER TO REPRESENT WATER LITERALLY CHANGED MY LIFE

the campfire song

percys Soft concern for annabeths story about running away “wait is that true”

grover starting to cry during his part

“my father is chronos.... remember my lecture, he ate his children””....... chiron wins”

APHRODITE'S DAUGHTER’S STORY “godess of love, my moms aphrodite... i bring home a boy and shes there in her nightie! oh nooooo” “she steals my mascara and all of my dates!” wonderful

percy sings nicely about his mother and everyones like “hes doing it wrong”

“we dont care where our parents may be, as long as you are here with me!” FRIENDSHIP MAKES ME EMO

“havent you noticed that there arent any other little sea godlings running around? any sons of hades or daughters of zeus? the big three gods arent supposed to have kids!” i loved this tiny easter egg i love my big three kids

“look at the boy, hes clearly not a thief!” “oh, yeah no yeah yeah yeah no no yeah yeah no yeah no, youre right! you cant fake being that stupid unless youre a brilliant actor, but im also the god of drama, so i can tell you HES NOT”

“his lightning?” “yeah, we're not talking some crummy tin foil zig zag from some off broadway play!”

GOOD KID IS EVEN BETTER LIVE THAN IT WAS ON THE RECORDING IT RUINED MY LIFE

Killer Quest! is an amazing end of act song and v upbeat and cute

“so where is the underworld actually” “look for doa records” “its a record company? actually, im not surprised”

ACT 2

WE’RE LOST IN THE WOODS SOMEWHERE IN NEW JERSEY AND WE’RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT TO LA

“half bloods to monsters smell like mickey ds, like tacos or take out vietnamese”

“dude are you talking to the squirrel?” “satyr powers, be nice. this squirrel knows every corner of the woods, maybe he can help us” “really? because i think that seems kind of nuts” [silence] “you hurt his feelings. tell the squirrel youre sorry.”

medusa in general, what a Good scene

ensemble members shaking maracas to make snake noises for her

medusa cant say “nemesis”

“ive done everything to prove to the gods that im the best and you- i mean, you dont even know how to hold a sword” “yes i do!, yes... i do...” “no, hands here *adjusts percys grip*” “i didnt ask for any of this: gods, monsters, quests- oh, wow, that is a lot easier”

my grand plan is the most annabeth chase song ever and i love it its such a good look into her character and i love her so much

“when boys mess up they always get another chance”

“cause most girl never win if theyre polite”

THE COMMENTARY ON HOW WOMEN HAVE TO BE IN TODAYS SOCIETY IN ORDER TO BE TAKE SERIOUSLY HELL YEAH

“the gods will think we’re impertinent” “we are impertinent”

the squirrel gave them three amtrak tickets

DRIVE IS A COUNTRY SONG AND I FUCKING LOVE IT IM HONESTLY SHOOK

i hate country except for this One Song

ITS ONE FOOT FORWARD AT A TIME; DUST OFF ALL THAT GRIT AND GRIME; WE STILL GOT A LOT LEFT TO DOOOO, CAUSE PEOPLE ARE COUNTIN ON US AND IM COUNTIN ON YOU! DRIIIIIIIIVE JUST DRIIIIiiiiiiiiIIIIIIVE STAY AHEAD STAY AHEAD STAY ALIIIIIIIVE

“is that chihuahua?” “its a chimera!”

“maybe if you hadnt brought all those dam snacks” “uh it was the hoover dam and i was hungry!”

ares drives them to las vegas and when they get there he says “this is where i... get off” and its HILARIOUS i love lowkey sex jokes

gentle easter egg to bianca and nico re: may 1st 1939

“the oracle can can it ill save my mom and savE THE PLANET!” im love percy so much

tREE ON THE HILL IS ABOUT THALIA AND IT MADE ME CRY GOD WHAT A GOOD SONG and grover feels like a failure and annabeth is like “no u saved my life ur a good friend and a good guardian <3 friendship”

THE FERRYMAN TO THE UNDERWORLD FLIRTS WITH GROVER

“you wanna hear my demo?” “uh-” [loud music plays] “im sorry i couldnt hear you over this SWEET ASS RIFF”

YOURE IN THE D.O.A. AND YOURE HERE TO STAY YEAH YOURE STUCK FOREVER NEVER GET AWAY NO HOPE FOR SURVIVAL YOURE DEAD ON ARRIVAL

“oh! do you have any josh groban?” “we will.” I CACKLED

DJ CEBERUS W A COOL 3-HEADED DEADMAU5 ESQUE MASK

the ferryman also attacks them all like “youre not gonna save the planet, you wont protect your friends, you wont be remembered”

everyone says this but “i think this pit is tartarus” “LIKE THE FISH SAUCE?”

“why would chronus want my shoes?” “they were really cool shoes”

bitter, sad hades who just wants people to stop thinking that hes the bad guy and for his brothers to come visit him

“one does not simply walk out of the underworld”

W H A T  B E L O N G S  T O  T H E  S E A  C A N  A L W A Y S  R E T U R N

small reprise of good kid as he considers hades offer and then the melody cHANGES and percy realizes that the seashell, a gift from a god, can SAVE THEM and its beautiful because SON OF POSEIDON IS A GOOD SONG

“maybe my dad was a screwup too, his best laid plans always falling through... maybe he never knew how to care but hey, thats life, and life aint fair... but i think my dad mayve thrown me a line, and better late than never, ill finally get a sign!”

its a good song kids

the kids get to the oceans and they FIGHT ARES and ares and percy are both singing, percy singing The Son Of Poseidon chorus and ares singing Put You In Your Place and its b e a u t i f u l

THE TOILET PAPER THROW- basically they bring in like 6 leafblowers w toilet paper rolls attached and the first five rows get covered in toilet paper. as someone who was in the fifth row, it was amazing

poseidon comes in, they have a Heart To Heart, he brings sally back to life, he flirts with sally, its hilarious and awkward

“the gods are unfair but we’re not total dicks”

percys like “you dont have to stay w gabe anymore” and sallys like “smh boy u cant solve all my problems. you saved my life, now i have to figure out how to live it”

he gives her medusas head

“what is this” “its a... do it yourself scupture kit” “oh! *begins to open it*” “no no no its, um, medusas head”

“well, as my official protector, you can officially escort us back to camp” “and youre conscience this time!”

chiron is also cast as poseidon so like he runs into the camp scene after a quick change and says “i hoofed it here as quick as i could!” 

last day of summer happens and w/e its cute but whAT REALLY MATTERS IS LUKES BETRAYAL: okay so the music slows and goes into the minor key and percys like “we still dont know whos working w chronos :/” lukes like “yeah it sucks” and he starts singing about how he doesnt trust the gods and how the gods hate them and how they need to take over the world and put the gods in their place--he and percy do their handshake fist-to-the-chest thing and luke is serious and percy does it but hes v confused and it Hurts. this is the first time in the show that luke sounds just Bitter and Angry instead of jokingly deprecating and its quite the effect

THE DARK GOOD KID REPRISE 

“ill do anything, i dont care if i hurt anyone, it doesnt pay to be a good kid, a good kid, a good son" GOD IT HURTS luke has so much pain and i feel so bad for him like yeah hes evil but,,, hes had a hard life

annabeth comes in and DISARMS LUKE but PSYCH luke has a small switchblade and STABS PERCY IN THE BACK (bc they cant use scorpions onstage)

percybeth moment interrupted by clarisse’s loud coughing and grover

percys like “we cant just sit here and wait for our parents to fix things.”

“the gods will say we’re impertinent” “we are impertinent” goddamn that symmetry

“are we ever gonna once have it easy?” my poor poor kids

percy- “feeling ready” annabeth- “feeling stoked” grover- “feeling queasy”

THE SEA DOESNT LIKE TO BE RESTRAINED

bring on the monsters is just a Good song

also hey if you got to the end of this, congrats! i have a ltm audio and either in a message or in an off-anon ask and ill hook u up

[krishnaakhavan-blog]

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[life-coach-collins-blog]

Waiting for Eric Clapton

“Suddenly, ‘Wonderful Tonight’ by Eric Clapton will play. Our eyes will lock from across the room. Lightening will strike in our collective souls and at that exact moment we’ll fall madly in love.” This is the story that 14 year-old-me concocted and actually believed would be how I would someday meet my future husband. You could say I was a bit of a romantic (I blame Disney), but I honestly thought that true love would only reveal itself to me with soul-striking lightening (whatever that is) and Eric Clapton. The truth of how I did meet “the one” is that at 2:00 AM one unimportant Saturday, after one too many tequila shots, my wing-lady and I stumbled into my local dive bar. I saw a hot guy in a black polo across the room and so, naturally, shouted at the top of my lungs “Hey you, come talk to me!” He eventually made his way across the liquor-soaked, shoe-sticking floor to say “Yo, what’s up.” The air was thick with the smell of cheap beer and a faint aroma of vomit. Drunks were singing along to whatever rap song the DJ had thrown on. No lightening. No Eric Clapton. But, 3.5 years later, polo-guy and I are madly in love.

For over a year, I’ve been dragging my feet on going further with my business. I was talking to a good friend recently and said to her “I just want to get a sign from the universe that this is what I was meant to do. I just want to know for sure that I’m not making a huge mistake.” My friend, who has been listening to me whine about this for months, grabbed me by the shoulders and said “Stop waiting for lightening to strike. Just do the work. Start with baby steps, but keep moving forward.”

Waiting for lightening to strike, or a sign from God, or Ouiji Board approval from your dead grandmother, is just a pretty way of saying “I’m too scared to do anything.” The truth is, the most successful people in the world were never afforded the luxury of knowing before they leapt that they were going to be a success. Nope, they just took a leap, worked like hell, and hoped they wouldn’t fall flat on their faces. The true price of wild success really comes down to two things: hard work and courage. Yah I know, it’d be so much easier if success accepted cash bribes. But even worse, you could work like hell, blindly jump head first into achieving your dreams and still fail worse than a 3:00 AM Vegas marriage. Yikes.

“Oh gee whiz lady, thanks for all this good news.” Yah, I know, it sucks. But ask yourself this - what is the alternative? How about waking up on your 100th birthday and being bummed you never went for your dream. Telling your grandkids “I always wanted to do this cool thing, kids, but your grandma was too chicken-shit to do anything about it.” Or telling your girlfriend on your death-bed “Remember that sexy piece we saw at the bar that one night wearing the hell out of a black polo? Damn,I wish I had talked to him.” For me, regret or spending your life wondering “If only” is a way-worse fate than potentially, maybe, one time, failing miserably at something.

When you experience paralysis from fear, it usually means that you are thinking about some ginormous leap as your next step. “I would try to lose weight but I don’t want to live on carrots and celery for the rest of my life.” “Yah I’ve always dreamed of writing a book, but the thought of sitting down and writing 85,000 words makes me nauseous.” “Of course I’d love to start exercising more, but I hear training for a marathon really is tough.” How about you start with one next healthy meal, writing one paragraph of that book, or one quick walk around the block. See what happens. You may surprise yourself at how easy step 2 is after the first one is out of the way.

Eric Clapton did call me and said that you really should call a life coach. Ok, not really, but you should call a life coach. Seriously what are you waiting for? A session with a life coach is an excellent first baby step towards going for whatever it is you want, so just DO IT already!

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

What We Learned: Why you should stop freaking out about the Canadiens

It’s been a frustrating start to the season for Carey Price and the Montreal Canadiens. (Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images)

Montreal is a tough market even when times are good. And for the Canadiens right now, times are quite the opposite of good.

They have one win in six games and even that was in a shootout, so their opponents have taken 15 of a possible 16 points against them. This was a team many considered to be one of the best in the East, and instead they’re dead last in the conference, by a decent margin.

On the surface, the problem is easy to diagnose: They’re shooting 4 percent and getting .877 goaltending. That’ll lose you a lot of games. Pretty simple, right?

Because like any Claude Julien team, they’re very good at taking more shots than their opponents, and things just aren’t going well for them in terms of the outcomes of those shots. But if you watch a Canadiens game, you see that they’re doing things a little like the Kings used to: They’re just taking a lot of attempts, and they aren’t particularly picky about where those shots come from.

Some people — usually, the chronically wrong kind — call this “gaming corsi” and say coaches do it to make their underlying numbers look better than they actually are. That, in turn, gives them plausible deniability if the team sucks, which, hey, the Canadiens sure seem to right now. At 5-on-5, the Habs take the third-most attempts per 60 of any team in the league, but are only eighth in expected goals, meaning that the quality of those shots isn’t quite consistent with the rate at which they happen. Both numbers are elite, however.

Meanwhile, the revamped Habs defense is submediocre, conceding the 19th-most shots per hour and giving up some high-quality looks, to the tune of the sixth-worst xGA/60 in the league.

Certainly these are issues to work on, but they don’t lead to anything resembling the results the Canadiens have gotten to this point. In terms of expected-goal plus-minus, they’re minus-0.03 at 5-on-5 and minus-1.4 overall. That means they “should have” given up about a goal and a half more than they’ve scored, which should put them at roughly .500 for the season, instead of being off to the second-worst start in the league and already being minus-21 in goals. That is to say, they’ve allowed about 19 more goals than they should have. Which is a lot.

I’m not going to sit here and try to relitigate for the millionth time whether a particular team is going to have a PDO that starts with “91” or even “95” all season. They are self-evidently much better than this. You can think what you want about the long-term prospects for Carey Price’s brand new contract, but you don’t typically see a guy’s talents diminish to the point that you lose 50 points of save percentage in a single summer. Pretty sure that’s not how aging curves work.

Likewise, the Canadiens were likely to struggle a bit more offensively this season than last, simply because of some of the talent they lost, and Jonathan Drouin wasn’t going to paper over everything. But Max Pacioretty, who’s fourth in the league in goals and 21st in points since the start of 2013-14 didn’t suddenly become a guy who can only score one goal and no assists in eight games.

It is worth asking if, given how things went for the Bruins last season, a Claude Julien system ends up being a lot like a Darryl Sutter system in the modern NHL, where you control a big chunk of the possession but have a lot more trouble converting than the average team. Much like everything went wrong offensively for the Kings and Bruins for much of last season, maybe this is symptomatic. But as was the argument with Sutter before he got canned, all you can do is put your team in a position to succeed as much as possible.

You cannot understate the role Marc Bergevin has played in making the Canadiens worse over the last few years, and anyway, it’s not like Julien is coaching for his job. He just signed a five-year deal, so he’s doing what any coach should do: Putting his team in the best position to win. Whether guys have the talent and luck to execute is another story entirely.

The other thing to keep in mind here is that these are the worst games of Price’s career since an 11-game stretch in the lockout-shortened season, when he went .865 over nine games right before the playoffs started. The next season he went .927 and the one after that he was the MVP. The point is, yeah, Price is in a slump right now and no one can score, but how long can you reasonably expect either of those conditions to last? You have Price, who, granted, is 30 at this point, playing his worst hockey in almost five years sandwiching the best 200 or so games any goalie has had in modern hockey (.928 from 2013-14 to 2016-17).

That’s the issue about that expected-goals number, too. Price isn’t a league-average goalie or really anything close, so he should consistently outperform his team’s xGA number. So why are we assuming this is going to last, unless we’re actively choosing to be disingenuous.

You can maybe think the Canadiens were overhyped going into the season and you can think they’re gonna struggle to score all year. But if you think this is one of the two worst teams in the league, and think using only The Eye Test from less than 10 percent of the season to make these determinations, you’re kidding yourself.

That thing about Montreal being a tough market? A stretch like this would make it a nightmare to deal with the media and fans in January. But the fact that it’s happening now, in the first eight games to start off the year, is cranking things to their current absurd, unrealistic level. It would be overblown then, just as it’s overblown now.

This is still realistically a playoff team, especially in a division with this many weak clubs, and a comfortable one at that (and by the by, anyone who thought the Bruins were right to fire Julien might want to check out their performance so far this year). They’re probably not going to clear 100 points like many expected, but by the end of the season, I hate to tell you, their PDO is gonna be back in the 98, 99 range and gee whiz they’ll probably still have like 97 points.

People are literally only freaking out about this because it’s Oct. 23 and they have just three points. Understandable to an extent, but people also forget that they also have 74 games left on the schedule.

That, actually, is a lot of time to make up their current six point deficit against the … Red Wings? Man, I guess it really is early.

What We Learned

Anaheim Ducks: Cam Fowler get well soon we miss you!

Arizona Coyotes: The Canadiens being bad is stealing from us the joy of marveling over how the Coyotes are much, much worse.

Boston Bruins: This might be the most humiliating thing that ever happened to the Bruins. And I’ve seen the Behind the B episode about trading Seguin.

Buffalo Sabres: I bet Eichel is feeling great about that extension now.

Calgary Flames: Don’t take Jagr. Take me instead!

Carolina Hurricanes: Despite this most recent loss, the ‘Canes look pretty good so far!

Chicago Blackhawks: I, too, love to trade a veteran defenseman for an expensive project and then healthy-scratch him repeatedly.

Colorado Avalanche: When it rains it pours for like five years in a row.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Fun one against the Kings, but Bobrovsky has to be better than this.

Dallas Stars: Weird how a good coach makes a team with a lot of talent good.

Detroit Red Wings: I love the implications HYPERLINK “http://www.freep.com/story/sports/nhl/red-wings/2017/10/22/riley-sheahan-pittsburgh-penguins-detroit-red-wings/788588001/”behind this headline.

Edmonton Oilers: Man, when you can’t even win with Connor McDavid…

Florida Panthers: James Reimer, pretty good goalie. Wonder when people start to act like that’s been the case for some time now.

Los Angeles Kings: All those goals Anze Kopitar didn’t score last year? He’s scoring them now.

Minnesota Wild: Nice little third period for the Wild. But they still only have six points.

Montreal Canadiens: I actually heard it’s really important for them to panic now, a week before Halloween.

Nashville Predators: “Is that a lot?”

New Jersey Devils: Well, that’s wonderful news.

New York Islanders: Hey, if a guy worth nine figures rides the train with you as a publicity stunt, it’s actually fine that he is not a good owner.

New York Rangers: Man, this is a capital-T Take.

Ottawa Senators: Let’s not go nuts.

Philadelphia Flyers: Oh my god: “While we’ve appropriately focused on the Flyers team speed in their own spirited start to the season, it’s a little sobering to see them outhit, at home, over the last three games.” Guess which team won this game.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Due to the Penguins’ necessity, people are going to act like Riley Sheahan is a No. 3 center. He absolutely is not.

San Jose Sharks: Okay but who fills the Hertl void?

St. Louis Blues: This is one of those things that sounds good but isn’t that good.

Tampa Bay Lightning: What if, even though they missed the playoffs last year, the Lightning are good?

Toronto Maple Leafs: One thing I think we’re overlooking with the Sens these days is that Erik Karlsson has six points in three games on an ankle that’s partly missing.

Vancouver Canucks: Sorry but there’s no good choice.

Vegas Golden Knights: Oh, maybe this is why you get more than two goalies.

Washington Capitals: (A million thinking guy emoji.) (The plural of emoji is emoji and this is a hill I am 100000 percent willing to die on.)

Winnipeg Jets: My big son.

Play of the weekend

Ryan O’Reilly makes like four low-key incredible plays in this sequence. C’mon dawg!

Gold Star Award

Erik Karlsson made what was no joke a 100-foot indirect pass on this Derick Brassard goal and it’s honestly the best secondary assist I have ever seen in my entire dumb life.

Minus of the Weekend

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce, Kris Russell is at it again.

Perfect HFBoards Trade Proposal of the Year

User “russ4king” has his head on straight.

Who says no? 

Draisaitl for ROR straight up?

Signoff

If this is anyone other than Steve Allen you’re stealing my bit.

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here. (All stats via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

[joshuazev]

On the Usual Suspects:

For some reason whenever I’m at an airport I start thinking about scenes of movies that take place at the same location or even on an airplane for that matter.  It doesn’t matter what my circumstances are; a montage just starts playing.  If you had those old VHS movies that were produced by Paramount Pictures there would always be a familiar trailer of all the great Paramount comedies that had been made.  “Trading Places”, “Addams Family”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, “Beverly Hills Cop”, “Coneheads”, “Airplane” and “Nutty Professor” to name a few.  One of other really memorable clips is of Steve Martin with a hat and a trench coat running in agony with his bags in his hands, hoping to get to his destination.  I don’t know which movie it is exactly but the image is ingrained in my memory.  (My mind failed me…he wasn’t in an airport at all).  So many great movies take place at one time or another in an airport.  How can we forget “Home Alone” and “Home Alone 2” and the classic, “Kevin’s not here” telephone conversation that passes down his family.  Great scene.  What about the first and last scene in “Garden State” where Zach Braff is numb amid all the commotion or when he returns to see Natalie Portman and decides to stay in New Jersey.  Or the brief glimpse we get of Minnie Driver when she’s on her way to Stanford in “Good Will Hunting” hoping to see Matt Damon’s character and hear him say that he’s coming with her.  I do love me an airport/airplane scene.  Even though it’s just a button at the end of the movie, the last scene of “Rush Hour” is pretty great, too.  You know, the moment when Chris Tucker surprises Jackie Chan with his Mandarin skills, but then proceeds to flip out when Jackie tells him how long the plane ride is and adds a button of his own by singing out “What it isn’t good for, absolutely nothing (sing it again), WAR!.”

I write this post at an embellished 45 degree angle and I have no issue with it to be honest because it is a red-eye flight.  Red eyes are meant for sleeping.  Then again, maybe they aren’t.  That’s why they call them red-eyes, right?  Because while they might be meant for sleeping no one actually ends up getting any sleep.  I mean, if they were flights where people had no problems falling asleep it would probably be called a shut-eye or something.  “Hey Ron, what time’s your flight?”  “Well Jerry, we leave about 10 PM and get in at 5 AM.”  “Well golly gee whiz Ron, sounds like you’re flying on a shut-eye.”  I was blessed with a window seat, but am spending what could be the first 30 minutes to an hour of a potential five hour nap writing this lovely post about airplanes, red-eye flights, and a more recent development, the lady in the middle who for a second thought it would be appropriate to lay diagonally in her seat to the point where she was almost lying down on Aisle Man and Yours Truly.  The stewardess’ are coming down the aisle offering free tablets to the non-sleepers who would rather watch “King Arthur”, “Point Break” and “Beetlejuice” if they are feeling nostalgic.  If it was a different time I wouldn’t hesitate to grab one of those tablets, but like a lot of things in the same vein, the tablets I receive usually end up glitching half way through the movie.  Sometimes this results in a free voucher if I’m feeling particularly long winded.  Most times I end up feeling disappointed.  A ruined investment.  Not a waste of my time, but an incomplete experience.  On the flight before this one I learned that those smart little plans by Horizon offer free wine an beer.  Pretty cool of them, if you ask me.  I don’t drink very often, but I thought that was a cool twist.  In the era of charging for potato chips you have to appreciate when airlines go out of their way to offer services like so.  

I did thoroughly enjoy watching and observing the people on that smaller flight.  They all seemed like stock characters from any other flight.  There was the tall guy, who looked like his name was Rick, whose head was grazing the ceiling and who was talking on his bluetooth talking headset like a pilot who never went to flight school.  That was the last I saw of the guy whose name was probably Rick.  Then there was the lady, whose name was probably “Too Much”; she was overdressed with too many layers and thought her big ass bag could fit into the tiny spaces ahead and almost singlehandedly prevented the delayed plane from getting to Seattle in time to connect the other passengers.  In New York, they would call this woman “O.D.” or “Extra” and in Seattle they would call her “Ms. Doing the Most.”  She ended up being able to transfer the bag to the a la carte trolley outside, but man did she have some people rolling their eyes and sucking their teeth.  She stepped on the plane with “Vegas.”  “Vegas” had dyed blonde hair, a tattoo on the back of her neck, tight blue jeans, too much eye shadow and two little vodka bottles.  I thought I might have smelled some alcohol, but my mind was probably just playing tricks on me.  I was in assumption judgement mode, but there was no mistaking the vodka.  Then there was “White Wine” who sat adjacent to me.  She enjoyed the free cheez-its and wished that they had some wine besides white.  I don’t know what she ended up ordering, but they didn’t have what she wanted.  At this point I can’t compare them very well with the people on the current flight I’m on because 80 percent of the people on this flight are knocked out or trying to.  I’ve already seen a couple middle seat misfits trying to sleep on their tray tables like they are ducking for cover in an earthquake.  Did I mention in a previous post the infomercial I saw about the suspended sort of device that you can plop your face in almost like a massage table?  I didn’t.  Well, whether I did or not, it’s clear that nobody to this point has thought that product was a good idea.  

I saw a social media post a while back of this woman who was as asleep as asleep could be.  She had her neck support thing against the seat and she also had a sign attached that said something along the lines of “Wake Up for food or drinks.”  She just couldn’t let the snack and drink trolley go by without getting her hands on something.  It doesn’t surprise me though.  What does surprise me is the baby that is aboard this aircraft, the baby that was wailing and yelling something crazy before we took off, is dare I say, quiet?  Red-eyes are frequently inhabited by one baby crying.  So rarely does that baby hush up as quick as this trooper behind me.  I remember when I was really young, an unaccompanied minor, on a plane going back home to Seattle.  I got put in a pretty random row next to some kind people and I was on my best behavior, probably even more so because I was young and I was by myself.  (*The baby started crying again*)  Anyway, right before the plane takes off this stewardess or steward comes by with this lady to basically tell me that she would be taking my seat.  I folded like corporate napkin.  If that happened now, I would have stood up for myself, but I didn’t then.  She took my seat and I was placed by two overly talkative, head-splitting, would-not-shutup, M&M eating, crazy ass kids.  And this was a long flight, too.  Knowing what I know now I bet it was a Delta or United flight.  They are always good for a movie like that.  (*This baby is in it for the long haul*).

I see a lot of celebrities enjoying the luxury, privacy, and freedom of private jets, lately.  I’m not completely envious, but I do think that would be a pretty cool thing to have for a rainy day.  An opportunity to sit first class anywhere on a plane.  Order whatever you want.  Do or not do whatever you want.  I used to see those photos (and still do, actually) of NBA teams playing huge card games on their chartered flights.  Baseball teams too, I think.  They are all huddled around a few rows, dropping hearts, spades, diamonds, and clubs in the middle, throwing a 20, 10, or 5 in the middle and laughing away.  I never saw a photo where they weren’t enjoying themselves.  That’s gotta be one of the many ways they build camaraderie right?  You get the point, though.  It’s time for be to finesse and finagle my way into owning a PJ.  Floyd Mayweather and Kevin Hart have inspired me to do so.  

There sure is a lot to be thankful for. though.  For one, I’m thankful this will be a relatively short five hour flight instead of a three-four day train ride like they used to do in the old days.  When I was younger these flights seemed like an eternity.  Now, they seem like a post, a little bit of a movie, and a short nap away from being easy-peasy.  My ears used to pop and stay clogged for days when I was younger.  They used to give out some damn good food for free when I was younger.  I could never sit my ass still when I was younger.  Things simplify.  My ears have opened up.  They offer snacks now.  People sleep with blindfolds and pop a pill.  No-one ever really puts their phones in airplane mode anymore.  People around the world still have sex.

And with that..

*Cue the crying baby*