#& im not sure how others read her during the campaign i worry she was only mean or reactive or like badly represented

[mollusken]

who are those dnd love clerics of yours? what are their backstories, anyway?

Hiii being a sloth as is my nature!!!!! But thanks for asking so I can talk about them! :] I truly wrote half of this out and tumblr deleted it so just know I’m been THRU it to hand u this essay... I hope u enjoy HERE’S THE SUMMARY:

(art by @camomills)

Seraphina was a cleric I originally played in a game about Gods dying. I made her to be someone who was unknowingly worshipping the wrong god. She ended up switching domains and later doing some introspection(/exploration) I realized she was much better suited to being a Love Cleric following Sune. Seraphina really worked hard to find herself and eventually built a convent where she would welcome other followers of Sune, teach esthetician courses, as well as hold sermons and discuss love and beauty as matters of philosophy and religion. She still struggles with letting people into her life in any meaningful way, and letting herself be truly vulnerable. That's where her story with Valentine really comes into play.

Valentine is a cleric of Sune whom, upon being born, was foretold to sacrifice herself for love. She really wants to fall in love very badly and knows it is her duty more or less to do so, but there's a part of her that's still running away.

The tragedy of her story is that she often gives herself away in little ways; by handing people this unending love and letting that mean she shrinks herself, or lets herself be hurt in the name of it. She's too busy trying to fight her destiny  -- that of a Big Magical romance -- that subconsciously she is fulfilling it with every step she takes.

I think it's a fun dynamic; to have a character that's more or less running from reflection but very open with her love, and one that's found her path but still has to let herself trust, and explore intimacy.

That's really what they boil down to: both being followers of Sune but imbuing different aspects, and having each other as foils. When Valentine comes to stay at Seraphina's convent the two really connect and learn a lot from each other as equals.

They’re narrative foils, they’re friends with benefits, they’re life long friends and partners and confidants, they’re both so sexy and smart and cute, and they’re impossible to color because Val is so gd neon pink lmfao. THATS THE SHORT OF IT IF YOU’VE ENJOYED THANK YOU FOR ASKING AFTER MY GIRLS 💚 And if you want every gory detail the Long is down below!!!

LONG VERSION Seraphina was a half-elf cleric I originally played in a game about Gods dying and being replaced. I made her to be someone who was unknowingly worshipping the wrong god, which I think was originally some war god. After they fell she found out her powers were from Milil, god of music, but later doing some introspection(/exploration) I realized she was much better suited to being a Love Cleric, and follow Sune. She would later on in life become a huge proponent of self love and expression.

She was a non-committal wreck with a hot streak and a lot of baggage to work through. Her elf mother was distant. She had impossible to meet standards and no recognition of her as an adult, being wholly unfamiliar with human life spans. And her sisters who served as her rivals her entire life in a bid for their mother's affection, and they lashed out at each other in any way possible. Elaborate social games, physical fights, competing achievements; Seraphina was usually invested in the latter due to her aptitude with magic, and less of the first due to being considerably younger than her sisters.

When she realized that what she believed didn’t match up to what she was teaching, and having a bad home life and finding herself struggling to keep up in an environment not suited for her, she lashed out. Both at fellow students the way she used to with her more hardy sisters, and at the convent leaders. Thus she managed to get herself banished and excommunicated.

So very much in survival mode at that point. She lived with a few colleagues as much as she could before moving on, strung along some upper class gentlemen to keep herself within her former social class, lied, stole, etc.

It really wasn't until after her real God fell and she lost her powers that she had to do any kind of introspection and realize that hey, maybe she was like. not dealing with her issues by ignoring them and falling headfirst into substances, and maybe she needed to start taking care of herself and correct her behaviour including lashing out at others, and unpack her upbringing and religious programming.

I left the game after her arc (unrelated) which I would add a bit of a rewrite to later because I honestly don't know if she'd ever forgive her family within their collective lifetimes, even if she did still come about saving them. Also smh I curse my past self sometimes because I gave her an old fiance that came to find her - past me got shy & asked the DM to pull it - but that was honestly the funniest fucking thing. It would've been so good. I'm hilarious relationship drama is the SPICE of D&D & I should’ve trusted my gut smh.

Seraphina really worked hard to find herself and eventually built a convent where she would welcome other followers of Sune, teach esthetician courses, as well as hold sermons and discuss love and beauty as matters of philosophy and religion. She still struggles with letting people into her life in any meaningful way, and letting herself be truly vulnerable with them. That's where her story with Valentine really comes into play.

Valentine is a cleric of Sune whom, upon being born, was foretold to sacrifice herself for love. She grew up very modestly and without parents, just an old nursery maid who housed a small orphanage in her village. She was always a fierce lover. Her childhood was pretty stable compared to Seraphina, and she had a supportive community. Nevertheless as a young woman she decided to head out on her own journey to fulfill her prophecy.

Val is emotional, a little headstrong, and imbued with romantic tendencies that means she'll stop to help anyone who looks in her direction. Her kindness is definitely taken advantage of, and she's susceptible to looking past people's flaws for their strengths, but that doesn’t mean she loves less or stops giving as kindly.

She really craves falling in love and meeting her soulmate -- and she knows it is her duty more or less to do so -- but there's a part of her that's still running away from her fate. A part that still believes she’s not enough, she’s not ready, she doesn’t know how to do so.

So she lets herself get sidetracked with whatever - and whoever - catches her attention. This is how she's ended up in all the different little adventures I've played her in.

The tragedy of her story is that she often gives herself away in little ways; by handing people this unending love and letting that mean she shrinks herself, or letting herself be hurt in the name of it. Even just the amount of time she will dedicate to helping others, no matter the outcome. Good or bad, big or small gestures, she gives.

She's too busy trying to fight her destiny -- which she interprets as some huge giving-her-life-for-a-lover moment or Star-Crossed-Fate-Sealed romance -- that subconsciously she is fulfilling it with every step she takes.

I think it's a fun dynamic; to have a character that's more or less running from reflection but very open with her love, and one that's found her path but still has to let herself trust, and explore intimacy.

That's really what they boil down to: both being followers of Sune but imbuing different aspects, and having each other as foils. When Valentine comes to stay at Seraphina's convent the two really connect and learn a lot from each other as equals.

Seraphina embodies the beauty and self love aspect of Sune, while lacking connection to intimacy (although part of that is her being aromantic & not inherently desiring of romance). Valentine on the other hand, embodies romantic love and compassion but can't really accept herself or love herself as she continues to shy away from her prophecy.

They have a physical/sexual relationship alongside this-- I imagine that being a very open topic/concept with Suneites and that develops more organically in a society that views it as beauty, as self-care, as affection and romance. And less controlled by social stigma.

Although Valentine has a hard time separating her romantic tendencies sometimes and has moments of limerence for Seraphina. They speak freely about it - eventually lol, who would I be if I didn't cause SOME drama - and that helps her work through it. They continue to be good friends until the end of their lives.

Valentine ends up staying at the convent longer than anywhere else she travels. I pictured her eventually moving on, still trying to find the end of her fate. But I think strings would pull her back to visit.

I haven't got to play Valentine for a campaign; she was made for one-shots, so that's why she's a bit more open-ended and her story is the way it is. And although I still think Seraphina's story has places it could go, I think I found a pretty happy ending for her. SO THERE YOU ARE LORE DROP x2!!!!!!! I’m sure I can drop even more in-depth shit if you’re curious about anything else.... I know I have Seraphina family developed and can run thru Val’s adventures..... Or Swannie stuff I have so much Swannie lore..... they both meet her at some point too it’s all connected so....... yk what 2 do 👀 Thank u for taking an interest in my girls and have a good fuckin day just for giving me an excuse to scream about something!!!! 💚 WAHOO

[queenshelby]

The Last Semester – Part 24

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 1,705

Warning: Angst, Conflict, Fluff

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage

The doctor’s words came as a shock to you and everything from thereon was a blur. Your stepmother held your hand while you tried to comprehend what had happened.

‘Is there nothing that can be done?’ you remembered asking but the doctor shook his head and explained that there wasn’t. He explained everything, but you couldn’t listen. It was too much to take in. You couldn’t cry, you couldn’t scream, you couldn’t say anything. You simply felt lost.

Whilst the pregnancy wasn’t planned, your excitement for the baby had grown over the past few weeks especially since Cillian was so involved and invested. Despite everything you had been through with him, he seemed like the perfect man to have a child with. You felt prepared and you even felt happy and now all of this was gone. You couldn’t quite explain it, but you were saddened by losing the baby despite the fact that you felt as though you should have been relieved.  

You were given tablets, unsure about what they were for but you were urged to take them and so you did. Then, you were told to go home and wait.

You needed someone to be with you to look after you and your stepmother urged you to come home with her. You agreed, not wanting to be alone anyway and, after about twenty minutes at the clinic, she walked you back to her car.

‘What are you doing?’ you then asked as you watched her search for Cillian’s number on her phone.

‘I am calling Cillian’ she then said, not allowing you to protest.

‘Don’t, please. He cannot have this on his mind going to London. He needs to focus on that campaign’ you said, knowing that he had a contractual obligation to film the advertisement.

‘Y/N, he needs to know and I am sure the promoter will understand’ your stepmother said and, just as she did, Cillian already picked up the phone.

***

‘Are you still at the airport?’ your stepmother asked concerned.

‘Just about to board the plane, why? Is Y/N alright?’ Cillian asked somewhat surprised that your stepmother was calling him.

‘She is having a miscarriage. You need to come to our place. I will take her there now’ your stepmother urgent him and, for at least a minute, she didn’t receive a response to her request.

‘Cillian?’ she asked again, hearing nothing but silence.

‘Fuck’ he huffed out. ‘I will be there as soon as I can’ he barely managed to say.

He was lost for words and all your stepmother could hear was his deep breathing and a sigh. He was clearly saddened by the news.

***

Not long after you got to the house, the bleeding started and you didn’t want to do anything but spend hours inside the small shower upstairs, crying and just letting go of it all. All the sadness and feelings of guilt that you felt and you didn’t know why.

Was it your fault that you’ve lost the pregnancy, you wondered?

After about twenty minutes under the hot running water, you heard a knock on the door.

‘Hey, Y/N, can I come in?’ you heard Cillian’s voice from outside as he was clearly leaning against the door.

‘Okay’ you huffed out, allowing him to come inside just as you stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around you.

Without words, you fell into Cillian’s arms as soon as he opened the door, breaking out in tears and leaning against his chest.

He held you close, running his hands through your hair and kissing your forehead.

‘I am so sorry’ you eventually blurted out, in tears, feeling that your body had failed you.

‘Don’t! This happens and it is no one’s fault’ Cillian said before helping you to dry off and get dressed. You weren’t managing on your own as the painkillers had finally kicked in, making you drowsy and dizzy.

‘Well, at least you won’t be stuck with me every day now…I can keep my unit’ you then huffed out as you held onto the sink while stepping into your shorts.

‘I still want you to move in with me Y/N. The thought of waking up next to you every morning has me quite excited’ Cillian said before pulling a t-shirt over your head, causing you to smile. ‘Unless you don’t want to now, then that’s fine’ he then said somewhat worried.

‘I do. I love you Cilly’ you said as you put on your bed socks.

After you were dressed in some comfortable clothes, Cillian helped you to lie down in your old room and you asked him to stay with you.

‘I am not sure if your father would be too happy about this’ Cillian then said, holding you close.

‘Well, then I come with you to your place’ you said and Cillian nodded reluctantly, knowing that the drive wasn’t ideal and you should really be resting.

For now, he was determined to make you do exactly that and to just to lie there with you in silence and deal with anything else later.

***

Several hours later, after you had finally managed to fall asleep, Cillian emerged from your bedroom to get a glass of water and ran into your father in the hallway.

‘How is she?’ your father asked as Cillian walked towards him.

‘As well as one could expect in the circumstances’ Cillian said quietly and with a heavy heart.

‘And you?’ your father then asked, taking Cillian by surprise.

‘Same’ Cillian then said, saddened by the loss. ’Listen, she is asleep now and I will get out of your hair in a few minutes’ he then added, knowing that your father wouldn’t be happy about him staying at his house for the night.

‘It’s alright. Stay. I know she needs you’ your father then said, causing Cillian to nod somewhat surprised.

‘Thank you’ Cillian then said before walking towards the kitchen and then returning to your room.

He wasn’t in a talkative mood and was grateful that your father allowed him to stay with you and chose not to pick a fight during this difficult time.

***

The following morning, your father knocked on your door and carefully opened it, wanting to see whether you would be joining him and your stepmother for breakfast.

When he opened the door, you were still fast asleep, curled up against Cillian’s naked chest. The pain medication that was given to you had clearly knocked you out and you slept for twelve hours straight.

Cillian also didn’t move and only slowly opened his eyes when he heard a noise before drifting back off to sleep. He was awake for most of the night, struggling to come to terms with the loss and only managed to drift off to sleep around three or four o’clock in the morning.

As he watched you for a second or two, your father sighed and decided to leave you be no matter how it made him feel. He still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that you and Cillian were together. Nonetheless, he knew that now, more than ever, you both needed his support.

‘Do you think that they will stay together now that this happened?’ your father then asked your stepmother as she pulled him away from your door and closed it behind him.

‘Uhm, she is moving in with him, so I would say yes’ your stepmother smiled somewhat amused by your father’s question.

‘She is what now?’ your father asked, causing your stepmother to laugh.

‘She is moving in with him. She told me this morning’ your stepmother said, causing your father to sigh.

‘He must be serious then’ your father huffed out after having known Cillian for many years. ‘Fuck…as if he couldn’t have found anyone else, eh’ he then laughed, shaking his head and disappearing into the kitchen.

***

Later that day, you had a follow up appointment with your doctor and Cillian accompanied you before taking you back to his house.

‘I am not sure if the pregnancy was planned but, if it was and, subject to a satisfactory follow up scan in two weeks to confirm that everything has cleared from your body, you can start trying again next month. If not, I would recommend the IUD after two weeks from now. You need to abstain from intercourse until then to avoid infection’ the doctor said, handing you a detailed information pamphlet on different forms of contraception as well as two prescriptions.

During that visit, you were also going to have a scan to check your uterus and Cillian wasn’t allowed to accompany you inside for the scan.

‘Do you mind grabbing these for me while they do the scan? you then asked Cillian while you were sitting in the waiting room.

‘Is this what you want to do?’ Cillian then asked as he read through the two prescriptions, one for more painkillers and the other one for the IUD.

‘What do you mean?’ you asked, unsure about his question.

‘The IUD. Did you want to get it?’ Cillian asked.

‘Well…can you think of a better alternative?’ you asked quietly and somewhat amused.

‘I don’t know but, I was thinking that we could just do what we did before. I can just pull out’ Cillian said quietly but, apparently, not quietly enough as one of the other women inside the waiting room started to look at you and gave you quiet chuckle.

‘Because that worked so well Cillian’ you giggled.

‘Well, if it happens, it happens. It wouldn’t be such a bad thing, right?’ Cillian then argued.

‘So, we wouldn’t be trying to fall pregnant, we just won’t try very hard to prevent it either?’ you whispered.

‘Yeah, pretty much’ Cillian responded.

‘Alright then’ you smiled.

  Tag List:

@lilymurphy03 @deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall@elenavampire21 @hanster1998@mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-my-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang@0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney @missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey @janelongxox @uchihacumdump @basiclassy @being-worthy @chaotic-bean-of-smolness @margoo0 @chocolatehalo @vhscillian @ysmmsy @littlewierdalien @crazymar15  @stickyknightflowerbailiff @im-constantly-fangirling @goldensunflowe-r  @tellingyouastory  @captivatedbycillianmurphy​  @namelesslosers​  @littlewhiterose​  @ttzamara​  @ttzamara @cilleveryone  ​

@severewobblerlightdragon​  @ysmmsy​  

Cannot Tag (please check your settings):

@l0tsofpennies @trolleydolly @avonlady1985 @chrisevanshoeee @daydreamingnymph @fookingshelby  @thenattitude  

[saltyslack-toast]

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!

[thewritewolf]

Nino’s Quest Chapter 6: Out of the Woods

The true struggle of DnD - getting the party together for a session. Not at all helped by magic terrorism attacks.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 (Final)

Enjoy!

Read on Ao3.  My ko-fi.

--- October 15th ---

Lord DM: Hey dudes, we still on for today? Since its been like two hours I’ll guess that was a no then

Adrien Regreste: sorry dude. Got roped into a last minute photoshoot :(

Marinoodles: same Wait no I mean- last minute bakery stuff Sorry to bail like this! D:

Alya’ll Beware: Don’t worry about it girl I was chasing that akuma that was running around It kept giving lb n cn the slip Got some good footage tho

Lord DM: Bummer dudes Guess thats one of the perks of living in paris We can try again next week, k?

--- October 18 ---

Direct Message From Alya

Alya: These akumas have been crazy, babe. Rain check on dates? At least until hawkbutt tires himself out

Nino: :( Can’t you take a break or two? You don’t have to be on the frontlines of EVERY akuma attack

Alya: …

Nino: [crying emojis, broken hearts, butterflies with red X’s over them]

Alya: alright, alright But just two, okay? People count on me for the latest news

Nino: totally, babe Just hope lb+cn won’t need rr+cara Cuz… you know That’d be rough

Alya: [eye rolling emoji] Yeah yeah I feel bad for them tho Their social life must be wack at this point

---October 22nd---

Lord DM: Hey, bro, we still meeting at your place or what? ??? Come on, dude! Not again! :(

Adrien Regreste: Sorry dude [sobbing emoji]

Alya’ll Beware: Akuma, babe. Can’t miss three in one week!

Lord DM: Yeah… guess so. Let’s just not miss the next sess, okay? I dont want this campaign to end

Alya’ll Beware: We’ve only missed two weeks so far. That’s not too bad We got pretty lucky with getting five in a row Esp considering how busy we usually are

Lord DM: Fair enough Next week sound good?

Alya’ll Beware: Should for me

---October 31st---

Lord DM: Im scared to ask but… DnD today?

Adrien Regreste: [thumbs up] I’ll be going on 4 hours of sleep But I can do it!

Marinoodles: Same here Lack of sleep and all

Alya’ll Beware: Yeah We good

Adrien Regreste: !!! Wait its actually happening Awesome! ...I should probably clean my room.

Marinoodles: XD Probably! :P

Adrien Regreste: :3

------------

An hour later and Nino had made the trip over to Adrien’s house, Alya and Marinette in tow. Their chatting had been less energetic than usual, no doubt because there wasn’t a single person among them who didn’t feel exhausted. A fact that wasn’t at all helped by the late hours that they were arriving at. It may have only been nineteen hundred hours, but when you’d only had a few hours of sleep each night for the past week, it made all the difference in the world.

Despite all that, they were determined. The very thought that they were willing to go through all this just to go further in his campaign was thrilling for Nino, and he didn’t want to let them down.

A wicked grin, looking out of place on him, stretched across his face. With the events he had planned for tonight’s session, he was sure they’d be awake in no time.

They entered Adrien’s room and saw the bounty of sugary treats and caffeine that their host had prepared. After some brief chit-chat, Nino got set up quickly and rolled right into the session. The longer he delayed the more likely it was that his players would fall asleep.

“The forest at last thins as you crest the top of a hill. From your vantage point, you can see the capital city on the horizon.” There were sighs of relief around the room.

“Finally! My character could definitely go for a proper bed after a week of roughing it,” Marinette said after taking a drink of pop.

“You’ll have to hurry, then. The sun is going to start sinking below the horizon. Unless you want to be stuck outside the city until morning, you’d better get moving.”

“My bard starts one last travel song as we rush over.” Adrien opened his phone, no doubt to a lyrics site and cleared his throat.

Alya quickly covered his mouth. “I do not have the time or patience to listen to another of your renditions of Take Me Home, Country Roads, Sunshine. Let’s just get to the city, alright?” Adrien’s eyes darted to Nino in a silent plea, but he simply shrugged.

“Sorry, dude. Babe has a point.”

Pouting, he closed his phone. Beside him, Marinette giggled and patted his back consolingly.

“You reach the city gates without any issue - no bandit or monster is stupid enough to get within stones throw of the capital, not with all the guards on patrol. They were a little suspicious to see you guys so late at night, but… two noble sigils, a bardic license, and my holy symbol put those dudes right at ease. There are still a few rooms open at the inn - how are you guys going to divvy up?”

A trio of blank stares looked back at him. He sighed.

“Each room costs money to rent. You don’t have a lot, so while you could get a private room for each of you, it’s probably better to room with someone else. So who is spending the night with who?”

“Dibs on the cleric!” Alya cried. She tapped her chin theatrically, “I guess that leaves you two together, right?”

“I- I guess so?” Adrien blinked, surprised at Alya’s sudden outburst. Marinette paled a little but nodded.

“Since you guys arrived so late, most of the rooms were already filled up and you had to make do with what you can get. When you finally find your rooms, they are across the inn from each other… and there is only one bed in each room.”

A slight blush, but neither Adrien nor Marinette were freaked out. Alya slumped in defeat - there wasn’t any roleplaying involved in sleeping after all. Unless they decided to do some method acting and have a sleepover.

“The four of us drift off to sleep, which was a totally great change of pace from the creepy woods that you’ve been sleeping in for a week now.” Nino punctuated his words with a yawn that proved contagious. “It was way late at night when suddenly… M, Adrien. Roll for perception.”

Adrien, naturally, rolled a one. Just when Nino was scared he’d accidentally killed them off, Marinette pulled through with a high roll. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“With your keen elven hearing, the creaking of the wooden floor boards was enough to jolt you from sleep. There is a glint of metal above you, and you feel a presence in the darkness. You have just a few seconds to react - what do you do?”

“I roll over!” Marinette blurts out, her eyes wide.

Nino nods. “Right, that puts you right on top of Adrien, who is now totally awake too. It was a good move, though - a knife plunges into the mattress, right where your neck had just been.”

All business now, Marinette asks, “What can I see?”

“Not much. Loose cloaks with hoods pulled up. Knives. Two people. The other person has stumbled back, probs spooked by your sudden movement.”

She taps her chin before her eyes widen again. “Wait, what about the others?! We have to go get them! Or at least get their help.” She shuffles through her character sheet. “Okay, um… I whisper to Adrien in Elvish ‘close your eyes’ and then I toss a flash flare thing at the guy.”

Nino rolls some saves - without the warnings, neither of them stood a chance. He looks up to see Marinette watching him with hopeful eyes. “You got ‘em, M. Now what?”

“I roll off the bed and try to take the guy’s knife.”

“You’ve got it and your turn ends there. The dudes are blinded, but it won’t be long before they’ve recovered. Adrien?”

“Can I cast a spell?”

“Not without your lyre, bro.”

“Fine, fine. I grab it off the bedside table.”

“And why do you think it’d be there?”

“...I’m a bard. Gotta be ready to play, first thing in the morning.” Adrien smirked.

Chuckling, Nino replied. “Alright, fair. What do you cast?”

Adrien stuck out a tongue as he thumbed through his spell list. His eyes lit up as he looked at Nino. “I cast summon monster one, and I summon the Good Boy.”

“Right,” Nino said as the others giggled. “So you’ve got your celestial dog next to you. I figure you want it to attack one of the dudes?”

To his surprise, Adrien shook his head. “No, I command him to go wake up the other two. Probably to go sit by their door and bark in a commanding angelic voice.”

The fight didn’t last long from there - the two of them probably would have been enough to deal with the assassins after they lost the element of surprise. But four against two made it a landslide victory.

“Even though you try your hardest, you weren’t able to catch either alive. One got stabbed and bled out and the other, well… hopefully the innkeeper will understand that it wasn’t your fault that the window got broken.”

“Do they have anything on them?” Alya crossed her arms. “I get the feeling someone is after us.”

“You’re immediately proven right when you find a note in the dead guy’s pocket that reads, ‘Information about the Necromancer cannot reach the king. Dispose of the adventurers before they get their audience.’”

The party exchanged looks.

“Spooky,” Adrien said flatly. The others nodded in agreement.

“Do I recognize the handwriting or anything?” Marinette leaned forward, the gears in her head turning. “Remember, I am a court brat.”

“Nope. Looks like it was written deliberately poorly. You don’t know if you’d recognize it normally.”

“Time for the king?” Adrien perked up.

“Yup, it’s time for-” Nino was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door.

Adrien gulped. “Um… hello?”

Nathalie stepped into the room and narrowed her eyes at the dice and character sheets. Belatedly Nino remembered that Adrien usually claimed they were working on a project or homework during these sessions. “It is late. Your friends need to leave.”

Without a choice in the matter, they packed up and had the door shut behind them.

-------------

Nino’s fears were confirmed later that night during a discord chat.

Adrien Regreste: Sorry guys. Looks like we won’t be able to play at my house again Not for a while at least. :(

Lord DM: Don’t worry about it bro Had to happen eventually

Marinoodles: I’m so sorry! :( I hope you didn’t get in trouble because of us

Adrien Regreste: Nothing more than usual They aren’t threatening to keep me locked up at home So, you know Better than usual

Alya’ll Beware: That’s something at least R they going to let u hang out again?

Adrien Regreste: *shrugs* Probably. Anyway… Sorry to be a bummer. Night, everybody!

Marinoodles: Sweet dreams!

Alya’ll Beware: Night, kiddos.

Lord DM: Don’t let the assassins bite! ;) [Three thumbs down, one angry emoji]

[canadiankazz]

The Fourth Time - An L.A. by Night fanfic

Jasper and Annabelle's relationship has taken a lot of intimate steps lately, but when she lets him take the reins, so to speak, and let his more dominant side out, they manage to find a way to get even more pleasure out of it. 

SPOILERS for the end of Campaign 1 including the one-shots. This has gone off canon, so consider this an AU. It's worth reading Part 1 (The First Time), Part 2 (The Second Time) and Part 3 (The Third Time) before you read this. This fic takes place almost directly after The Third Time. This was written before the premiere of Season 2, Episode 2.

I lay no claim to owning any of the characters involved. Things are gonna get more kinky than they have been in this series so far from here on out. We are way past tame wrist biting now. We’re getting into some mild BDSM stuff in this part.

As always, special thanks to @cravatfiend for the support and encouragement during the writing of the drafts. When I asked them for a safe word, they picked the best one for Annabelle. I had the privilege of watching them read this for the first time and all they could say was "...Damn!" High praise, indeed. 

All my love, also, to @gokaiyellow for their additional input, @fluffy-wookiees for being adorable, and to everyone else who has enjoyed this series so far. There are many more parts to come after this one, no worries. (As of posting, I’m currently finishing writing part 8 with ideas for part 9!)

Also posted to the author's Ao3.

First posted Feb, 2, 2019.

The Entire ‘Feeds From’ Master List Can be Found Here

The Fourth Time

Annabelle was having a nightmare. She was running for her life through a dark sewer. Her shoes splashed through the filth. Rats squeaked and scattered in a panic as she charged forwards. Behind her, she could hear a dreadful snarling echoing through the tunnel. She couldn’t see the monster chasing her, but she could hear it. Its hungry growling was getting closer and closer. When, not if, but when it caught her, it was going to rip her apart and eat her alive. Her eyes scanned the walls and curved ceiling frantically for a ladder or escape hatch up to the streets above. There! A ladder appeared to her right. She climbed it as fast as she could, but right when she was about to push up through the manhole cover, she felt sharp claws grab her leg and pull her back down. She screamed.

Annabelle woke with a shudder. Her Beast strained in her chest and throat. The room she was in was dark. There were no windows. She was on her side facing a blank wall. She could feel someone else's body pressed against her back and a long arm curved cosily around her side and stomach that was not her own. There was no breath or body heat coming from the person behind her.

Then she remembered. She was in Jasper's sanctum again. In his bed, again. And he had fed on her last night, again. And now...

She tried to turn her head to look at him without disturbing him. His arm tightened around her a little.

“Jasper?” she whispered.

“Mm.”

He was awake. Annabelle relaxed a little and went back to looking at the wall. He seemed comfortable where he was and so was she, to her mild surprise. Their relationship had taken many great leaps these past few months.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey,” he mumbled into her hair.

“Sleep well?”

“Like the dead.”

She rolled her eyes and poked his arm. “Ha. Ha.”

She heard him snarl softly in her ear as he smiled.

“You need a bigger bed,” she told him.

“Why?”

“Because we only barely fit on it.”

“I thought that this was only going to be a temporary thing,” he said, sounding amused. “Something to tie me over for a little while.”

“Well, clearly... it's not,” Annabelle said softly.

“We can't keep doing this forever,” he told her. His voice was gentle, but firm. “The others are going to find out, and... it's not a healthy relationship.”

Annabelle frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

“What I mean is that...” he sighed, thinking of what to say. She felt him roll back slightly away from her. “It's one sided.”

“No... you feed from me sometimes and let me sleep in your bed sometimes, that's fair.”

“But you don't have to sleep here.”

“You don't have to feed from me either, but here we are,” Annabelle said pointedly. She sighed and touched his hand. “I don't want to argue with you. I... I am happy for this to continue as long as you want. I don't feel like it's one sided, Jasper. I thought you liked it... Liked me.”

“I do,” he admitted softly, “but that’s the problem. I think I’m liking it too much and... that scares me.”

Annabelle thought she understood now. He had told her that a Kindred feeding from another was a big deal and she got why now. Blood was more than just food for them, it was life, and sharing your life with someone else left a big impact. So too did someone forcibly taking it away. He had been trying to adjust to this new, kinder type of feeding and despite the fact that they had only done it three or four times in the past few months, maybe things were still, on an emotional level, going a little too fast for him. Annabelle awkwardly shifted, rolling over to face him. His hoodie was down. From what little light there was in the bedroom, she could see his pale, gaunt face. “It’s okay,” she said. “Don’t let it scare you. I think I get it though. We’ve been kind of going at my pace a little bit.”

Jasper remained quiet, but gave a slight nod. He could see she was more or less on the right track. He felt it in his blood.

“Okay,” Annabelle sighed slowly. “Do you want some emotional space?”

“I think so. To think things over.”

Annabelle nodded and stroked his arm. Her Vitae has done a good job healing him. “Okay,” she said. She didn’t want to make Jasper uncomfortable in this relationship. “How about this... if you want to do this again, you call me, okay? And we’ll do it however you want to.”

“Okay,” Jasper said. He lent forward a little and his forehead touched Annabelle’s for a brief, tender moment. “Thank you,” he whispered. Then he rolled over and got out of bed.

Annabelle stayed where she was, not wanting to get up yet. “You still owe me a boon, remember?”

“Mm. True.”

“And I've thought about what I want from you. If anything happens to me, anything really bad, I want you to take care of Mark and Elleanore for me.”

“What do you mean by 'take care of?'” he asked.

“Watch out for them. Make sure they don't get attacked, I guess? Just keep them safe, as best you can.” Her hand found her golden locket around her neck and held it.

Jasper considered this briefly and decided that it wasn't unreasonable. It was certainly less embarrassing than teaching X how to moonwalk. “Alright,” he nodded.

“Thank you,” Annabelle said tenderly.

Then Jasper stretched his long limbs. Annabelle could her his joints crack and pop. She sat up and sighed. She was hungry. She needed to go.

She packed up her laptop and the little plastic candles she had brought the night before. Jasper helped to collect them. “Will I see you again later?” She asked hopefully.

Jasper shrugged. “At some point, yes. I want to explore my labyrinth this week, and I know the others will be tracking down those other Kindred who attacked us the other night. We should help with that.”

Annabelle nodded. She was angry that her group had been attacked and she hadn't been there to help. At least she could help in the aftermath. She dreaded to think what would have become of Jasper if she hadn't gotten to him when she did. “Yeah.”

An invisible Jasper walked Annabelle to Griffith College, then they parted ways. They both had a lot to do.

**

Jasper kept himself busy over the next few weeks. He explored his labyrinth. He visited Eva. He received and carried out more jobs for Baron Abrams. All the while, Annabelle's movements and moods were in the back of his mind. The longer he went without feeding on her, the weaker his bond with her became. Part of him missed that. He found himself delaying finding another more permanent solution to his empty larder. He knew that eventually he would have to go back to his more aggressive feeding style, but he also knew he would miss having someone give him their honest and thoughtful consent. It made him feel a tiny bit less like a monster.

That got him thinking. Despite himself, he started to formulate a plan, purely hypothetical, of how his next feeding session with Annabelle could go. She had asked him to come back to her when he was ready to initiate things again and had said that they could do things his way if they wanted to. He had genuinely appreciated that. There was something dominant about him that was asking to be satisfied. Every time it came down to the act of feeding in the past, Jasper had been violent and dominant. Until Annabelle came along and offered herself to him, that is. That had changed things. Jasper had become what was for him, very submissive. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it wasn't what he wanted to be doing all the time, every time.

He was curious, also, about how far he could push Annabelle's boundaries. She was the one who always wanted more and he had been holding back. He knew very well what he was physically capable of and what his Beast demanded of him. The thought of challenging Annabelle, daring her to keep up with him intrigued him. By the time Jasper finished planning the night he had in mind, he knew that he might regret it forever if he didn't try it. The worst that would happen was Annabelle would say no. He might be a little disappointed, but that was nothing new. He waited another few nights, then decided to set his plan in motion.

**

Annabelle was on her way home when she thought she heard something behind her. She paused, straining her senses, searching for something unseen. At first, there was nothing, then she heard Jasper’s disembodied voice in her ear. “Hey.”

She jumped. “God...!”

“No, just me.” Jasper sounded highly amused.

“Jasper, what are you doing?” She hissed, annoyed at being startled like that.

“I was going to ask you...” he started, then hesitated, possibly reconsidering his words. “Would like to come over tomorrow night for another round?”

Annabelle felt a ghost of a touch on her neck and shoulder, right where he had bitten her last time. She shivered and something deep in her core twisted in the memory of pleasure. “Uhhh... sure,” she said faintly. Her mouth was dry and she swallowed. “Can I ask why? I thought you might not want to any more.”

“I’d been thinking,” Jasper said in her ear with a light snarl, “that there are a few things I would like to try with a consenting individual such as yourself, and I don’t know when I will get the chance to do them again. I would be a fool to not ask.” He put special emphasis on the word ‘consenting.’ His voice was soft and sensual, unusually so, but it was undercut with a thirst that Annabelle recognised.

“Okay, um... how about I come over tomorrow and we’ll talk about it and... see where we go from there,” she said.

“Alright. Come by 3:00,” Jasper replied, “and bring those little plastic candles. And yes... you may sleep over as well.”

Annabelle nodded. “See you then.”

“Oh, one last thing...” she felt Jasper’s lips on her ear and she shivered again, despite herself. “In the meantime, can you think of a safe word, please?”

Annabelle’s eyes went very wide. What on earth could he be planning that would need a safe word? “Uh...” she stammered.

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course. Well, I have to, for us to do this, right?”

“We don’t have to do this,” he reminded her.

“I know, but... I want to.” Annabelle swallowed nervously and steadied her nerves. “Okay. I’ll think of something.”

“Alright. See you tomorrow.”

She didn’t hear him leave, but she hadn’t heard him approach either. She stood there in mild shock for another little while with her hands over her mouth and cheeks. She cursed herself for being as excited as she was. This was going to be very, very interesting. She hurried the rest of the way home.

**

When Annabelle arrived once again at Jasper's sanctum the next night, she had her bag with her with the plastic candles and her laptop in it. She had fed earlier, as much as she could without killing any one. She was almost beside herself with nervous excitement. Part of her thought that she should be more apprehensive, that she should let someone know where she was just in case things went bad. But she trusted Jasper. He had been very good to her so far, very good indeed, and he didn't seem to want to ruin this relationship they had going. She trusted the control he had over himself. She still believed that, over-all, he wasn't a bad guy.

She knocked on his front door. Jasper answered it quickly. He had been waiting for her in the passage way on the other side again. He was wearing a different black hoodie this night. This one had fewer layers and just a straight zipper up and down. It was casual. Easy to get into and out of. Interesting.

They smiled at each other and Jasper invited her in. She followed him closely back down the long passage way, though she was sure by now she had the route memorised. They caught up with a little small talk. As they got closer to his rooms, Annabelle could hear faint music. It was classical, something with an orchestra and a choir. They weren't singing in English... Latin, maybe? Annabelle wasn't as knowledgeable on her classical pieces. “You're playing music?” She asked, pleased and surprised.

“Yeah, to set a mood.” Jasper smirked at her. She recognised her own line that she had used on him last time she was here.

“Oh, I see,” she chuckled. “What is it?”

“Mozart’s Requiem in D Minor.” Jasper licked his fangs. “Tell me... have you learned Blush of Life yet?”

“Um... yeah. Yes, I have.” Annabelle had used it very successfully around Elleanore. It gave her a pulse, warmed her skin, let her breathe and otherwise seem almost entirely human again. Annabelle tilted her head a little at Jasper, slowly working out what he had planned. “Why?”

His grin was sharp. “I would like you to use it tonight.”

“Oh... yeah, sure. Right now?”

“If you'd like, or we can wait until we get to the bedroom.”

“I'll wait,” she decided. So far, she liked where this was going.

In the bedroom, they set up her candles on the floor as they did last time. The room was soon full of artificial, warm candlelight. The classical music continued in the background, unobtrusive.

“Did you decide on a safe word?” Jasper inquired.

“Yeah. Um... are you familiar with the stoplight method?”

He considered it. “Red, yellow, green?”

She nodded. “Yeah. Green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. It's basic, but effective.”

Jasper nodded. “Alright. We're going to use that tonight. Unless I hear you say 'yellow' or 'red,' I'm going to assume that everything is green.”

“No gags, then, please,” Annabelle specified.

“No,” Jasper agreed. That had never been a part of his plan for tonight.

Annabelle kept glancing at his fangs while he spoke. She couldn’t help it. His eyes had a hungry and excited gleam. She suspected that he and his Beast were working in near harmony tonight. Well, they had their safe word in place. Everything would be okay. She was feeling brave and keen to see how far Jasper was going to push things tonight.

When she was ready, Annabelle nodded and slipped off her red jacket, as was their custom by now. She had worn the good bra again. Jasper recognised the shape of it under her thin tank top. He snarled a little when he smiled.

“On the bed, please,” he gestured to the bed. Annabelle complied, her lips twitching into a little smile. She sat on the bed, then lay back. As she did so, she activated Blush of Life. Her Beast stirred a little, but was still mostly dormant. She glanced at Jasper. He was staring at her with an expression of incredible desire. He came over to her and sat on the bed. He held her hand and seemed to marvel for a few seconds at its warmth. Annabelle's body fell back into the natural rhythm of breathing. Jasper felt her pulse in her wrist. His fingers were very cold by comparison, and felt very dead. He snarled to himself, pleased.

“I don't have Blush of Life,” he explained softly. “I never bothered to learn how to do it. I mean... why would I? Who am I going to try to convince that I'm alive?”

“You still could learn,” Annabelle said. She could think of at least one person he might have used Blush of Life on, if he could, but bringing up that person was very likely going to ruin the mood, so she didn't.

He shook his head. “I could, but it's doubtful.” He seemed to be enjoying just feeling her hands for a moment. The classical music swelled and faded into a new piece of a similar feel to the last, but a faster tempo.

Jasper moved suddenly. With little warning, he was on top of Annabelle, straddling her hips. He had one knee pressed on either side of her ribs. He wasn't very heavy, especially not for a Brujah's strength to support. Annabelle's insides quivered in anticipation. She felt vulnerable, but she remembered all she had to do was say one or two words and he would stop. She understood finally what he had been planning. Jasper looked down at Annabelle, his icy eyes boring into hers. Her heartbeat sped up considerably. Her face flushed. She met his gaze, excited but steady. The degree to which she wanted this to continue bewildered her.

Slowly now, he peeled his hood off his head. Then his hands went to the zipper in the front of his hoodie and he slowly began to tug it down. Annabelle's eyes went wide as Jasper's chest was exposed. He was built of nothing but lean muscle. His flesh was as pale as death save for the starkly contrasting mass of black veins that criss-crossed his body like an insane roadway map. He had no body hair. He unzipped the hoodie down to the bottom, but didn't take it all the way off. This was a compromise, she realised. She had wanted to see what he looked like under his layers for a while, and he had always said no. This was an in-between he was allowing her.

She gave him a warm smile, but when she reached to touch him he stopped her. He gripped one hand in each of his and leaned down over her. He pinned her warm hands and wrists down with his deathly cold hands to the mattress above her head. He continued to watch her, as if daring her to say 'yellow' or 'red.' She didn't. His grip on her was strong. Their faces were close now. Annabelle was breathing hard.

Jasper bared his fangs and growled at her, as if trying to scare her. He was the monster from myth and legend, the deadly black shadow with razor sharp fangs who stalked helpless people at night and she was the young, naive victim. He was perhaps even trying to provoke her one last time into saying their safe word. She did look scared for a moment. There was fear in her eyes, in her Beast, but still she didn’t say either of the words that would make Jasper pull back. A true victim, she was no longer. Annabelle was allowing this to happen.

“Green?” he rasped, edging towards losing control.

“Green,” she nodded and tilted her head to expose her neck. Blood, warm blood, flowed there, and some of it at least, was his for the taking.

The music swelled again in the background as the choir reached a melodramatic crescendo. With a hungry snarl Jasper bit Annabelle hard in the throat. She gasped at the pain. Jasper had good aim. His long, wicked fangs had landed right on her jugular. He bit deep, and his mouth filled with Vitae. She was as sweet, strong and aroused as always, but this time her blood was body temperature. Jasper had never had warm Vitae from another Kindred before. His Beast exalted. He began to drink greedily, keeping an ear open for Annabelle wanting to end this early. He hoped she would not.

The pleasure of the Kiss soon followed, radiating out over Annabelle's body and making her moan. Her eyes rolled back in her skull. She flexed her arms against Jasper, but he still held her down, firmly pinning her to the mattress. Her body, still under the influence of Blush of Life, reacted as it normally would have to intense pleasure. Her heart hammered in her chest. Her pulse raced, sending vital blood into Jasper's hungry mouth. Her brain was very soon dizzy, but she didn't care. Her Beast scrambled, but was soundly ignored in the overwhelming wave of sensations. Annabelle didn't know if it was because of this new, intense situation or the anticipation that had led up to it, but the pleasure this time was near orgasmic. When she felt Jasper bite a little harder in his enthusiasm, it crossed that threshold and she crested with a cry. Annabelle's body trembled uncontrollably underneath Jasper's from her core outwards.

Jasper lingered on Annabelle's throat for a moment or two longer, then pulled his head back with a snarl. His fangs and tongue were painted a deep crimson. Annabelle only barely noticed this. She shivered when he licked her wound closed and he thought he heard her whimper. His Beast whispered at him to continue, that this had been the best he ever had, but he clenched his jaw and ignored it.

Jasper sat up and let her hands go. She didn't move them. She lay there still, breathing hard, eyes closed. Each exhale had a little moan attached to it. He watched her chest heave up and down for a minute. The music faded and changed again to a soprano singing backed by strings and a piano.

Annabelle opened her eyes and saw Jasper watching her. He was still straddling her hips. She smiled up at him. “Wow,” she mumbled. She lowered her hands and rested them on his knees on either side of her body. Jasper didn’t mind. He chuckled at her reaction. “I... mm...” Words were failing her as her blood-deprived brain swam in a haze of endorphins.

“Good?” Jasper confirmed.

Annabelle still couldn’t speak, but she nodded.

Jasper slid carefully off of her and sat on the bed next to her. He hadn't taken a lot of Vitae this time, but what he had taken was potent indeed. His head was also filled with endorphins, mainly from her, but he didn't have the Blush of Life to let his body do anything about it.

“I can't believe you let me do that,” he chuckled softly. He re-zipped up his hoodie, but only part way. He left the top third or so of it open. “I thought for sure you were going to stop me when I pinned you down.”

Annabelle stretched and smiled at him. Other than an internal scolding from her Beast, she was content, still reeling slightly from the pleasures she had been through. “But I didn't.”

Jasper relaxed down next to her on the narrow bed as best he could. He found himself playing a little with her long, black hair. Their bond had deepened again, he knew. At that moment, in that place, he did not care. “You liked it... rather a lot,” he remarked, still amused. His fangs, when Annabelle saw them, were clean now.

“Yeah...” Annabelle marvelled. She covered her face with her hands as embarrassment washed over her. The pleasure this time had been too, too much. “Oh my God!” he heard her muffled giggle.

“What?” Jasper inquired, though he was fully aware of what had happened to her body and why. He was having fun.

Annabelle peeked at him through her fingers. She was grinning. “Is that what you had planned?” she demanded.

“More or less, yes. I'm glad it worked.”

Annabelle groaned softly. “Did you know about... that I would...”

Jasper smirked. “I kind of suspected... but no, but it was a pleasant surprise.” He stroked a cold, pale hand down her arm to her chest, where it settled over her still-beating heart.

“Boy, I'll say,” Annabelle agreed.

Feeling Annabelle's magically enforced heartbeat made Jasper get very quiet and suddenly a little introverted. His eyes found the gold locket hanging around Annabelle's neck and the silver ring on her finger and he pulled his hand back. He got up and went to turn off the music and the lights so that they could settle into bed.

When dawn broke over the City of Angels, the majority of the population arose to begin their day of work and school and life, but Jasper and Annabelle were once again literally dead to the world. The two vampires shared the little bed, holding each other. Where their relationship would take them now, neither of them knew, but in that moment at least, they were content.

[transfemininomenon]

hey alice I've seen you mention then before and they seem really interesting and I was wondering if you could tell us more about your dnd characters! (Whichever your favorite is or who you feel like talking about) or even a tag you have where I could read up more!

:O i would LOVE to talk about some of my dnd characters

my three main ones are my half-elf raven queen warlock gwyndolin (aka gwyn), my human swashbuckler rogue gertrude, and my life cleric alicia 

gwyn was the character i played when @speechjam was DMing who is a half-moon elf with Parental Baggage (because what’s a half-elf who doesnt have an iffy relationship with their parents) who is very gay and very trans and canonically Really Hot because she has a literally goddess gifted body. her parents raised her in an elf city where she experienced a lifetime of racism for being a half-elf, and that combined with not having a great relationship with her parents as well as dealing with dysphoria eventually led to her attempting suicide. however when this happened, she suddenly found herself before the raven queen, who told her it was not yet her time, and offered her a deal - a new body and some of her power in exchange for making a pact with her. she readily agreed, and was reborn as gwyndolin

since then she’s spent a few years acting as a servant of the raven queen, acting as a sort of soul bounty hunter tracking down people who had unnaturally escaped death and dealing with necromancers/undead infestations. eventually she happened to take a job that led to her meeting the party, including happening to bump into her elf druid cousin solira played by @lyssatbqh

she’s also a total Disaster Lesbian and cant talk to women to save her life which is a problem when Lots of women want to talk to her on account of being Really Hot. she has a thing for knives and has like 8 of them on her. she also has a spirit familiar in the form of a raven named crawford who she always makes keep watch for her at night instead of doing it herself

THEN gertrude is the character i play in @lyssatbqh‘s campaign, which is a homebrew campaign set in the dark souls world. gertrude’s whole life was spent believing that humanity didnt matter and only existed to serve the gods - lessons instilled in her from birth by her parents. often being left alone while her parents were off doing whatever religious things they were off doing, she grew used to wondering the city of anor londo by herself, exploring every alley and climbing every roof top, having just a dagger given to her by her parents as a form of protection 

as she grew older her parents tried getting her more involved in the way of white (the religious organization they were a part of), and gertrude never really quite got the whole “sit and study and pray” part of it, but she found ways to use her natural charisma and dexterity to instead serve the gods by acting as a spy against people who might speak out against the gods. this is how she met the party initially, being sent by one of the gods to spy on a book club founded by @speechjam‘s character brillin. long story short the party ended up encountering some of the witches of izalith, went to izalith right as the witch of izalith was trying to recreate the first flame, and they all fucking DIED 

some long period of time later the party all mysteriously came back to life, and have since came back to life any time they have died, always returning to whatever fire they’d rested at. the whole experience of dying and coming back forced gertrude to, for the first time in her life, have to think about being a human and what humanity meant and what her place in the world was, and she proceeded to go into a several week long existential crisis. during this time the party investigated some mysterious happenings around the city of new londo involving other people coming back to life, fought some demons, and eventually made their way back to anor londo

the whole time gertrude was hoping returning to anor londo would get her some answers from the god she had been working for by the name of flame god flann. however, upon returning he offered no real help, and seemingly didnt even remember that she had worked for him. this furthered her growing crisis and fear and doubt, and eventually the party confronted her about her sneakiness and dodging questions, and she confessed the nature by which she’d originally joined the group, and asked for their forgiveness and explained that she’d suddenly had a Lot to think about and that a lot of things she thought she’d known had been thrown out the window. the party was initially hurt, especially brillin, and gertrude suddenly found herself for the first time Caring about other people and how her actions had effected them, but they eventually forgave her and they continued to all work together to maybe figure out a little more on what was happening

encountering two strange people known as skin man and skeleton man, the party worked with them and eventually learned that skin man also was coming back from the dead, but also seemed to be fading away more and more each time he came back - becoming less of himself and more just a blank husk. eventually skin man went missing, and the party found him by a mysterious machine that could answer questions for them - in exchange for memories

gertrude used it to ask two questions, choosing first between the memories of her time working for flann, her time with the way of white, and her memories of brillin, who she had grown increasingly close with throughout their travels (because gertrude is a Fool and JUST kept jokingly flirting until she fooled around and caught real feelings), eventually choosing the way of white. she then had the option of flann, brillin, or her forgetting the memories and associations that her daggers had with her, eventually choosing daggers

her questions were if the gods cared about her, about people, and then the second was if she, too, was gonna steadily fade away the more she died. she received a simple answer for both - no, and yes 

initially going into another crisis, she soon shock that feeling off and decided on a new course of action, a flame suddenly lighting in her as she realized that she couldn’t rely on the gods anymore, and that it was people, and her new found friends, that she had to rely on. the gods were seemingly uncaring about their current plight, and she would find answers on her own. no longer being shackled by the gods, she would suddenly live as she was meant to - as a person, as a human 

the party eventually fought a couple more demons and, with the help of skeleton man, defeated them. in the aftermath, gertrude and brillin FINALLY smooched and it was RAD, and they later had a roof top discussion about everything and about Them. they came to the conclusion that neither of them really knew what was happening, or what their place in the universe was, and the weight of the inevitably of them both hollowing was ever present, but they wouldn’t focus on that - they would focus on the now, on living as best they could in the moment, and deciding that they would eventually figure things out, and they would do that Together 

dang i didn’t mean to do just a plot summary of that whole campaign so far but i got TOO into talking about gertrude i just……………….. love her so much guys she has learned and grown so much she literally started off as half a joke character i literally threw her concept together 10 minutes before the first session started and she became so!!!!! much more than i could’ve ever expected

anyway my other character is alicia aka the Divine Lady who i cant talk about TOO much because i just started playing her and friends in that campaign follow me and there’s #spoilers but she’s a life cleric who was once a shy awkward little boy named joey who has grown in to a slightly less awkward but no less shy but STRONG woman. she’s a life cleric and JUST wants to help people she’s really caring and is always worried about someone and i love her she’s such a change of pace from my usual edgy characters she is TOO good for this world and has two beautiful lesbian blacksmith moms and a million adopted “cousins” who she all loves dearly 

she’s surprisingly Buff, enjoys blacksmithing (she made all of her armor and weapons), is a big fan of beauty in all forms, is an avid reader, and is constantly writing letters home to her family and keeping a diary of her adventures. she worships lethandar (aka god of birth & renewal) as well as sune (aka goddess of beauty), with the symbol of sune crafted into her shield and her mace designed to have a sun motive for lethandar, and she has big dorky glasses because she’s blind as a bat

some other side characters include primrose my college of swords bard who is JUST primrose from octopath traveler, ailce my water genasi druid that i usually play in one shots who in the most recent one shot i played her in adopted a wonderful child who has bat ears and was NOT appreciated by their parents and she loves them with all her heart, and ari “the banshee” who is a city cleric in a modern space based campaign who is an anarchist and part of a punk rock band 

oh! also i have a tag for gwyn (which is just #gwyn tag) and TWO for gertrude (#former gertrude tag and #gertrude tag, former being for dagger related things since she lost her love of them) and im sure i’ll get an alicia one going! its all just like aesthetic stuff or things i relate to them but you can get a good sense of those characters through those 

[health-and-felicidad]

5 Women Prove That Every Body Is Sexy in Empowering Photo Series

All women should feel sexy no matter their shape or size, and that’s what influencer Meg Boggs is out to prove. The 31-year-old mom and blogger joined forces with other influencers to create a campaign that encourages women to feel sexy in their own skin. 

“Sexy looks and feels different on everyone, but we all have it and are allowed to own it,” Boggs tells Health. “We want to encourage and empower as many women as possible to embrace and own their sexiness, too.”

Boggs explained that feeling sexy didn’t always come easily to her.  

RELATED: This Mom Shares Unedited Photos of Her Cellulite and Stretch Marks to Send a Message About Postpartum Bodies

“I never felt it until this past year, not until after noticing other women, similar to my body type, owning their sexiness so openly,” says Boggs. “It felt rare to see, but just in those rare moments, I felt the shift in how I embraced my own.”

Boggs spoke to her friend Bethanie Garcia, and the two came up with the idea to launch a campaign that features women sharing how they came to embrace sexy, too. So Boggs rounded up four other influencers—and the results are stunning. 

Meg Boggs of @meg.boggs

"I would have never described myself as sexy. Sexy, in my previous mindset, was anything but me. It wasn’t a word to describe me or my body. In fact, sexy felt out of reach for me.

I thought sexy looked one way. Had one style. Could only be acknowledged in one body type. Be one certain type of experience. I would read magazine headlines about how to achieve the ultimate sexiness. The very best version of sexy. And I believed that for such a long time. It all felt so unachievable for me. No matter how much strain I put on my body in order for it to change, still, it would never look like what the world labeled as sexy.

Towards the end of my 20s, I began to mourn the loss of my 'sexy dream body' goals. When I sort of realized that it’s something I would never have. But... a shift around me was happening. Every now and then, my eye would catch the glimpse of a woman who looked similar to me... completely owning her body.

Owning her sexiness. Owning who she was as a woman. And it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. Wait, does that mean I’m... sexy too? Can I find confidence too? My feelings around this were swirling and brewing. Woah. This was big. This was the power of positive influence that was creating this much needed shift.

Little moments started happening where I’d feel it. I’d actually feel sexy. These feelings turned into visual moments. I’d see a sexy body as I locked eyes with myself during mirror moments. And my visual moments turned into flooding thoughts. I’d mix my visual and emotional cues, allowing myself the permission to embrace what was happening.

I was feeling sexy. Because I was. Because I am. Because we are." 

Bethanie Garcia of @thegarciadiaries

"I teamed up with @womenIRL and a group of powerful women to share what makes us feel SEXY in our own skin. Once I became a mom, I feel like all sexiness went out the window. I spent the first several years of motherhood feeling anything but sexy. My body had endured so many changes and I honestly didn't recognize the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror.

My husband always wanted me and told me how beautiful and sexy I was, but those words didn't make me feel any better about myself internally. They were like little Band-Aids that made me feel better for a moment, but the wound was still open and there. Once I started my journey towards self-love and body positivity, there was a huge shift in my mentality. I started loving my body, appreciating my body, seeing my body for what it was. My body has endured loss, my body has given me four healthy children, my body has struggled with anxiety and depression, my body has overcome.

And once I was actively appreciating and loving my body, I couldn't help but see it as sexy. I started flirting and teasing my husband and wearing lingerie I wouldn't have dreamed of wearing before. I started seeing every roll and curve and dimple as beautiful. I started feeling sexy for living my life unapologetically—regardless of my size. I wasn't worried about what people think or what society's definition of sexy is.

I feel sexy in my skin and I am thankful every day for this body of mine."

RELATED:  This Influencer Opens Up About the Empowering Decision to Get Her Implants Removed and Breastfeed

Hunter Premo of @hunterpremo

"I’m proud to be partnering with @womenIRL and these powerful women to share what makes us feel SEXY. 

So what makes me feel sexy? Looking in the mirror and feeling confident and PROUD of my body. I struggled with an eating disorder for several years and the way I looked consumed my entire mind. I wanted to look perfect more than anything in the world and it took so much out of me. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that there is only one me and I’m comfortable with who I am. I wake up every day feeling happy and beautiful in my own skin... a petite 5’1” gal who happens to have some curves.

I didn’t see anyone with my body type growing up and I still don’t see a lot of it in the media today. In a world filled with comparison on social media, I continually have to remind myself that I am strong, sexy and beautiful just the way I am. My husband, Cameron, has been by my side for 10+ years now, has seen me in every form and his love for me hasn’t changed. Even though he has always made me feel beautiful, there is nothing that can replace  the kind of confidence that comes from within." 

To get more stories like this delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Real Wellness WomenIRL newsletter

Fatima Dedrickson of @stylefitfatty

"I’ve teamed up with @womenirl and a group of amazing women to share what makes us feel sexy in our own skin. Did you notice how I said FEEL and not look? To be completely honest and transparent, last year was the first time in who knows how long that I remember saying out loud 'I feel sexy.' That’s 3 kids later...THREE!!

I remember after I had Kingston, I decided I needed to find myself and that confidence in me again. As a mom it’s so easy to put our needs, passions, hobbies, and ourselves last. I did this and it needed to change. I needed Fatty back. 

Being pregnant isn’t always glamorous. So how do you feel sexy pregnant when you have swollen feet, heartburn, gained weight, feeling sick? Confidence. Its all about how you feel about yourself regardless of the changes. 

As I watch my body go through another phase, I can’t help but smile. Because Im confident in my own skin. I found myself again; I stopped caring what others thought and cared about how I felt about me. I started to appreciate my own journey and realized how far I had traveled. I’m thankful for my body and being able to grow another baby. Sexy has no size. To me, confidence is sexy." 

RELATED: This Influencer Posted a Photo in Her Bra and Underwear to Show the Biggest Problem With Dieting

Christina and Katie Bailey of @babybaileymamadrama

Christina: "I feel beautiful and sexy when I dress up and get ready for the day.  Sometimes it is easy to get used to being in my lazy, lounging clothes when I know I am going to be chasing our kids around all day.  However, when I get ready for the day and do my hair and makeup, I feel like my wife and I are dating all over again." 

Katie:  "I feel sexy and beautiful when I work out and eat healthy.  I feel my best after I know I have done what I can to make sure my body is healthy.  This makes me feel sexy because I like the way I feel in a body that I try my best to keep in good health."

source https://www.health.com/mind-body/every-body-sexy-empowering-photo-series

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 12 (Epilogue 2 Page 4)

[bellangelo]

Anh Yeu Em

Mine is a love story and I am looking for your gift and generosity to celebrate LOVE. I want to travel 14,000 miles to be with the last woman I'll ever be with. Her nickname is Em, and this is our story. 
 When I first considered creating a Generosity campaign based on love & relationship I searched for a campaign like what I had in mind. I imagined they'd be everywhere, neatly adorned as love stories of hope, destiny, and faith. Instead, I felt like I was the odd man out. Instead of love stories there were countless stories of broken hearts, and tale upon tale of unrequited loves and lost loves. And I thought, this is fate. Generosity NEEDS a story like mine. 

https://www.generosity.com/celebration-fundraising/angelo-s-love/x/9890 
 My name is Angelo and I am getting married in 2018.  It's a pretty big deal for me considering my mindset after I got divorced five years ago. The pain was so raw that I swore I would never ever get married again. Ever.  But it all changed when I met Em. Gone were my bitter ideas that marriage was just a car wreck waiting to happened. I focused on the good stuff like companionship, friendship and unconditional love.   
 And here's the twist. I did not propose in person. I proposed during one of many Facebook Messenger video chats.  Allow me to explain. I work as a Security Supervisor in the cultural center of an area known as Little Saigon. This city has the largest diaspora of Vietnamese in the United States. It would be fitting that I would find love there, right?  But, I did not. I found love 14,000 miles away, in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam! 
 I love my job and I love working with people. I walk through the halls and bellow hearty Good Mornings and Hellos to everyone, from the cleaning crew to the Executive VIPs.  But a bad relationship is tough! After becoming frustrated with a series of dead-end relationships I jokingly asked a friend at work named Tina to introduce me one of her single friends. She did. The person was her aunt. My first thought was, "Wow, Tina must think highly of you to introduce me to a family member." Then I learned that her aunt was still in Vietnam! 
 I had no desire to start a long distance relationship with someone on the other side of the world, who was literally living a day ahead of me!! (+15).  Seriously? 
 I reconsidered following up with Em through Facebook because I learned she was learning English and she wanted to have regular conversations with a native speaker. After a 2-3 weeks of no missed emails, Em and I finally connected through email. then we became Facebook Friends. We both turned to Facebook  Messenger for real-time communication.  In between her work for Adidas and English class she would IM me.  I'd correct her grammar in the test (at her request) and adjust the formality of her writing tone.  I even spell and grammar checked a few homework assignments. 
 One day Em asked if she could call me. Silly me, I thought she was interested in me. She wasn't. She was more interested in my English. She had passion to become a master at English and I was a bonafide American available at the push of a button.  We chatted and had a great conversation. She had a great playful personality, she was educated, smart, she teased me, and she had a self-deprecating sense of humor. It was cute but I reminded myself that she lived 14,000 miles away. 
 Our text messages became phone calls. Very quickly phone conversations lengthened from 20 mins to over an hour.  Our phone calls became video chats. We shared a lot and every day I found myself craving this woman. But we were friends.  A few times I carefully broached the subject of a relationship but she  politely shot me down. I reluctantly accepted defeat. But something started to change... 
 Vietnam is 15 hours ahead (when no Daylight Savings time). The best opportunities  for our video chats came either just before my bedtime (=Em's time at work) or during Em's bedtime (my time prepping to go to work).  At her company they have a kind of "sleep time." the lights are shut low and all the workers sleep at their desks or on the floor using blankets they bring to work. Em began calling me (video chat) while her staff slept. We'd whisper and laugh and make jokes. Sometimes she just wanted me to watch over her as she slept. She wanted me close to her. Then the lights would come on. She'd go back to work and I'd get dressed for work. 
 There was an intensely hectic day for Em and I had an early start in the morning. So that night for her (morning for me) we missed our first morning video chat. The next day she told me she didn't sleep well at all. I joked and said, "Yes, that's because you didn't hear my voice right before bed." I was joking. Apparently she missed the punchline... 
 The next week Em called me every night just before bed. Turns out our conversations were contrary to having a good night's sleep because we'd talk until 1am or 2am in the morning (her time). She only had a few hours of sleep before she had to ride her scooter to the station to catch the commuter bus. When I would tell Em she needed to go to sleep because she had a long commute she shrugged it off and admitted that she could not sleep unless she spoke to me first. With the cutest accent she said, "Angelo is very smart and he has a soothing voice.  now on he must help me sleep well at night. It is very hard and stressful at work if I don't sleep well. It is not good for my health." 
 And that's when I began to wonder, "Is she starting to like... like me?" 
 One day Em was at a coffee shop doing homework while she and I were on a video call. Her classmates from English class came in. She introduced them to me and I heard later that they also enjoyed the sound of my voice as I spoke English. Cool. As a routine, throughout the day Em would ask questions about her homework and I'd fire off quick responses. Later I learned that those questions weren't hers. The questions came from her classmates. Em told her class mates that the answers she had given them came from me. They asked her to tell me they were grateful. Cool. 
 Then one day I let it slip. I told Em how I felt. She became confused and worried. She said she had never even considered or wanted to go to the USA and she didn't want to hurt me.  She told me her parents often asked her about getting married but Em is old fashioned. She wanted romance. She said how could she be sure she loved me if we had never met in person. I relented and backed-off the relationship talk. But Em never stopped calling me just before bedtime. We continued talking and sharing events in our lives. She started teaching me Vietnamese words and she suggested that maybe we should endearingly refer to each other as "em" (female) and "anh" (male) in the manner that good friends, lovers and husbands and wives do. I agreed. She spoke to each of my four children. She watched me make dinner for them and she read excerpts from my book. 
 And then day she admitted it. She loved me and she didn't know how it happened! 
 Still, she was in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam and I was In Los Angeles, California, USA. How could anything ever happen between us? I told her how: come to  USA. she was terrified of flying to the USA alone. There are horror stories of young Vietnamese women who come to the US only to become indentured servants, slaves or forced into a life of prostitution. 
 So I decided to find a way to bring Em to Vietnam. I Googled "sponsor visitor from Vietnam" and I was given a bevy of possibilities. One thing caught my eye: K1 Fiancé(e) Visa. Marriage I thought? Marriage? I had loathed the idea of since my divorce and now...? Well, what harm is there in investigating? 
 I researched everything I needed to know about obtaining a K1 Fiancé(e) Visa to fly Em to the United States. But first, we agreed that I would fly to Vietnam. If we felt as strongly in person as we did through video chatting and phone call we would proceed. I would propose to her in Vietnam and we would start the Visa process. We'd complete the paperwork, pay the fees, and she would have the interview at the US Consulate in Ho Chi Minh City. Once approved I would fly back to VN to bring Em back with me. Once we landed in Los Angeles, under the guidelines of the K1 Fiancee visa, we'd have three months to get married. 
 I shared news of my relationship with a coworker and he congratulated me on finding someone as amazing, smart and compassionate as Em.  I told him we decided to have a small wedding on the beach -- her dream wedding. Just my kids and Tina. Turns out my coworker had a friend who was an ordained minister. He agreed to perform the wedding. 
 Em and I video chat twice a day. In between chats we text and email each other all day. The end of our sessions sound like smooching lessons as we give each other multiple loud and slurpy kisses before we say good night. 
 In Los Angeles, Em will continue to take English classes. She wants to master the English language and I have no doubt she will. She will go to College to obtain her teaching credentials. Then she will teach English to other Vietnamese immigrants. I will continue my job in Little Saigon but I will also pickup part time work with Uber and Lyft. I also have three completed novels that I will self-publish. And I'm still doing the writing thing with my screenplays and my TV series ideas. 
 I will introduce em to American music, fashion, movies, and we will travel and become learning tourists. What better way for me to reacquaint myself with old school favorites like Lou Rawls, Bob Hope, Abbott & Costello, Motown, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, Michael Jackson, Prince, 80's movies & music, Shakespeare, American classic literature and so much more. 
 But here's the snag. It is becoming painful to be apart now. Every day we wait is another day in pain. I plan to visit VN in January. This way we can start the Visa process early in the year 2018. I give it about 3 months which would mean I could travel back to VN in March or April to pick up my future wife and escort her home to the USA. 
 But it probably won't happen without your help. Also, I'd love to return to Vietnam in march, my birthday month, to bring Em home. But first I'd like to visit a month earlier, in December, before Christmas. I'd stay for One week.  22 hours will be consumed by the flight there and back. This leaves me with 5 days to spend with the love of my life. 1. Roundtrip airfare to Tan Son That International Airport in Ho Chi Minh City is about $1000 including the special visa I need to enter the country.


--------------------------------------- 
Total $1000


Other expenses your generosity will help with 2. Hotel $100/day 3. $40 per day for taxis and food 4. K1 Fee is about $535 5. $2000 Roundtrip airfare for two. I fly to VN to get Em. She returns with me. 6. $250 honorarium for Minister to perform wedding 7. $250 for license, beach permit to hold wedding 
_______________________
total: $3075

https://www.generosity.com/celebration-fundraising/angelo-s-love/x/9890

I'm sure you know by now that "Em" is not my fiancee's name. It is a Vietnamese term of endearment. Unfortunately because of certain circumstances we need to keep our plans secret for now. This campaign is not going out to any of my friends or Em’s friends. It's not that our friends are not kind, generous people. However, because of the circumstances of our connection, people tend to ask dumb or insulting questions.  They will feel compelled and obligated to ask, “Are you sure?” or  “How do you know this person is real?”  


 And we can't have anyone seeing Em's true name here and then posting on her Facebook page when there are many folks in Vietnam who do not know...yet. She has told her mother and father -- I was there via video chat. However, Em discussed her trip as a sponsorship for English. She will inform them the whole truth when she is in the United States, before we get married. 
 So, how do you know you can trust me? Is any of the legit?  Google my name, Angelo Bell. I've been around for a while in the indie film arena, and lately in the indie TV arena. My facebook page is https://www.Facebook.com/AngeloBell  I've made many films (check IMDB). I am a real person and I am really and truly in love...again...finally!! :) 
 When this page reaches its goal you'll learn my Em's true name. I will get her permission to post more pictures. She does not know about this fundraiser. Oh, and I will document my trip to VN using my iPhone, a camera and blog posts on a special hidden page on https://AngeloBellWrites.Wordpress.com.  I will post pictures every day of my trip, from LAX to SGN and back again! Only you will see the link. 
 Plus, when Em and I get married, you'll get an autographed picture of husband & wife mailed to you (if you want it). 
 If you're feeling extra generous and want to help with the additional fees and expenses, thank you! Love you! And LOVE loves you!

https://www.generosity.com/celebration-fundraising/angelo-s-love/x/9890

[shg11]

When Kevin Braddock hit rockbottom, he had every intention of killing himself. He recounts what happened next and reveals why so few men ask for help

It was a Monday when Robin Williams killed himself three years ago Monday 11 August 2014. His death was shocking even if in hindsight it shouldnt have been a surprise that the worlds funniest man might also be the most sorrowful, too a person despairing to the point of ending it all.

Its a date I remember well, because Id spent the previous day trying to do the same thing. I was in the psychiatric ward of the Berlin hospital which Id been manhandled into by friends the day before, and I was waiting to see the doctor whod asked me to promise that I wouldnt kill myself.

In her consultation room Id thought about it for a while; Id already told her all I could about what led me to try to die. Id described the methods looping ceaselessly through my mind as I was slumped on the pavement near Berlins TV Tower: the gun, the noose, the blade, the pills, the bottle. The gun, the noose the mantra that would not stop. Since the only thing to hand was the nearby sptkauf (off-licence), Id resolved to drink my way to unreality.

Id told the doctor my history of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drink, drugs, meds, love and fear, my crises of faith and existential dread, and all the other things that seem to go with being human in the 21st century. I had few words left in me, but mumbling through endless tears with my hands in my lap, Id mouthed the words to her: I promise.

I hadnt gone through with the act, but God knows Id wanted to wanted to end it all and wanted it all to end. I was outpatiented for a while, and friends and loved ones looked after for me. Three years later, they still do.

How had things got so bad? In 2009, fed up with London, I bought a one-way ticket to Tegel with vague plans to hang out for a couple of months and run the Berlin marathon. Two months turned into six, then a year and eventually half a decade in that beautifully confused city. In the teeth of this current crisis, Id been struggling to hold things and myself together at the magazine where I was working. Id begun, falteringly, to deal with the dependencies that had got a grip on me (Id long been a heavy, problematic drinker, and Berlin is an easy city in which to hedonise, although by the standards of Berghain regulars, I was a total lightweight).

Meanwhile, depression and anxiety, old adversaries which Id suffered incapacitating episodes with at 21 and 30, had begun ranging back on to my neurological horizons. Id also caught glandular fever, fallen in love, and turned 42 which, as readers of Douglas Adams know, is the meaning of life. I was perpetually stressed, exhausted and despairing at work and it didnt take much for the cascade to begin: yet another work problem, a row, some piece of bad news.

Looking back, Im surprised at how fast I unravelled, how the energyless fog of depression condensed into an electric psychosis, how despair became madness. One day, one of my editors had asked if I was all right. I said: No, Im not, and started listing conflicts and confusions. (I was also surprised that she asked: I mean, its generally not the way that bosses look out for their employees.) A few days later I was in hospital.

Madness comes at you fast, to paraphrase the social media clich.

None of this is to equate my life or story with Robin Williamss in any way, apart from to say that I made it through what the doctor wrote down as a schwere (major) depressive episode, whereas Williams didnt, and Im thankful that one of us is around to talk about this stuff. Above all, Im grateful I found the courage to ask for help.

Facebook gets a lot of stick these days, but in one sense it kept me alive, because Facebook was where I asked for help in a status update that Sunday afternoon which read: Im at the bottom now, can a German speaker come to St Hedwigs with me, I need help, along with my phone number.

I dont know how long Id been there, or how many bottles of Augustiner beer to the worse I was. But I do remember an alternative thought forming from the cognitive murk: I could ask for help. Sure, everyone would see what a pitiful, drunken, helpless, tearful state I was the opposite of what Id prefer to project, yet also the truth. But the thought came: theres another way. I couldnt speak, I seemed to have been silenced, but there was my phone I could test the limits of this thing which helps people (and I quote) connect with friends, family and other people you know.

Keep talking: Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective is turning a network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in.

After a few minutes the phone went red hot, bleeping, flashing and ringing. I was hardly in a suitable frame of mind to process these messages, but looking at them a few days later, they said things like: Youll get through this; Stay positive; You are loved; and simply Love you. Some friends offered places in which to recuperate, others offered to come over. Not only was I ashamed at the alarm Id caused, I was also shocked at the volume of support that came through. There turned out to be more in the world than blank nothingness after all.

Help came, and rapidly. Friends took me to the hospital, and my life began to change.

Whether its an effect of social media or not, recently theres been a wave of men admitting to anxiety, depression or addiction, or of having attempted to kill themselves, or knowing someone whos seen the act through, problems which respect neither class, race, age or status and which, statistically and anecdotally, seem to be on the rise.

When Stormzy or Prince Harry admit that they, too, have feelings, struggles and doubts, these confessions challenge the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. They also represent a tacit plea for help, a kind of Save me from what Im supposed to be, which usually means autonomous, successful, potent, dominant, along with all the other clichs of whats been termed hegemonic masculinity.

And when another male celebrity Ant McPartlin being the latest checks into rehab, you sense that the work being done by organisations such as the Campaign Against Living Miserably (which aims to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicide in men) or Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective (which is turning a worldwide network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in) is vital.

People are opening up more instead of hiding; things are getting better, says Chapman from his salon in Torquay. Men are starting to feel comfortable talking to one another about their worries, problems and self-doubts, or going to see a GP or a health professional. Chapman decided to set up the Lions Barber Collective as a charity engaged with mens mental health awareness after a friend killed himself. Theres something about the relationship between a barber and their client where theres complete trust, he says.

The Campaign Against living Miserably cites figures from the Office for National Statistics that suicide currently stands as the biggest single killer of men aged under 45 in the UK. In 2014, there were 6,109 suicides in the UK, of which 76% were male. The ratio of male to female suicide has shown a sustained rise over the past 30 years. In 1981, men accounted for 62% of suicides, with the figure rising to 70% in 1988, 75% in 1995 and 78% in 2013.

All of which is why its heartening that in recent years the conversation on the meaning of masculinity has been growing in volume, running parallel to a wider openness on mental illness and health in society today.

The Royal Foundations Heads Together charity harnesses Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge to a mission encouraging people to open up about these problems. At a speech given on World Mental Health Day in October 2016, Prince Harry said: Too often we think mental health problems are things that happen to other people, not us. But we will all experience pressure on our mental health at some point during our lives. The more we accept that, the better we can help each other. Catching it and recognising it early saves lives. Its time we ended the shame around mental health the fear of judgment that stops people talking or getting help.

When Stormzy admits he, too, has struggles, it challenges the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage

A few months after my breakdown I returned to the UK and spent a deep, grey winter with my tirelessly patient parents, in the room where I grew up. News arrived one day of a family friend whod taken an overdose thankfully she survived. And on a train one evening I fell into an initially sheepish conversation with a woman in her 50s, each of us cryptically tiptoeing around what we both guessed was going on in each of us.

Well, Ive been ill, I told her, rather euphemistically.

Me, too, she said. Er mind if I ask what kind of ill?

It took some gentle work to overcome a barrier of shame between us, but once we had, the talk became extraordinarily candid and affirming. Shed been visiting her support group. She recounted details of her own psychotic episodes and an attempt to kill herself, then handed me an A4 pamphlet simply entitled My Story, which was heartbreaking along with being one of the bravest, most honest stories Id ever read. We made friends and resolved to stay in touch.

My own story developed, too. I spent a year living monastically in a friends boxroom in Bristol, discovering that recovery is a process rather than a destination, a project of constant modifications and setbacks with modestly miraculous breakthroughs that convince you that life is worth living. Things that have helped me include: learning, sobriety, therapy, meds, volunteering, tai chi, vitamin B, walking, talking, working and much more.

Something else helped. A few days after being taken to hospital, someone I hadnt seen for a decade read my Facebook message and wrote to say: From now on, Kev, be completely honest and open about this stuff. Confront it all head on. And seeing as youre a writer, write it all down. I was consoled by his concern, but also perplexed as to why he was so adamant about this tactic. It turns out his sister had taken her own life.

Recently I was back in Berlin to share the story I wrote down with the people who picked me up and kept me going. It turned into a book I made with my friend Enver, called Torchlight: a Publication About Asking for Help, which details my experiences of breakdown and recovery.

If that sounds like a rather crass sales pitch at the end of a story of common human dysfunction, Id counter that by saying that while we are overwhelmed by digital technologies these days, theres a striking lack of social technologies to assist people in asking for help, talking about their experiences, or sharing the methods they use to deal with the darkness. Facebook offered me the chance to ask for help, but any recovering Ive been fortunate enough to do has been social in the original sense of the word: person-to-person, with friends, family, therapists, study groups, recovery fellowships, sympathetic employers and colleagues, with people I met randomly on trains or in rooms, always in collaboration with others. Recovery is a social exercise that can be assisted but never replaced by digital technologies.

Something else I know now is that we fall apart, alone and in private, but we heal together, with others, the ones who arent shocked or scared by what they see when the mask of shame is removed.

At torchlightsystem.com you can buy Kevins book Torchlight, watch his short film and purchase Practice Cards which offer hints for daily living when suffering from depression and anxiety. The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, and Mind on 0300 123 3393

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/13/why-do-men-suffer-depression-in-silence

[pedrowells24-blog]

why do men suffer depression in silence?

When Kevin Braddock hit rockbottom, he had every intention of killing himself. He recounts what happened next and reveals why so few men ask for help

It was a Monday when Robin Williams killed himself three years ago Monday 11 August 2014. His death was shocking even if in hindsight it shouldnt have been a surprise that the worlds funniest man might also be the most sorrowful, too a person despairing to the point of ending it all.

Its a date I remember well, because Id spent the previous day trying to do the same thing. I was in the psychiatric ward of the Berlin hospital which Id been manhandled into by friends the day before, and I was waiting to see the doctor whod asked me to promise that I wouldnt kill myself.

In her consultation room Id thought about it for a while; Id already told her all I could about what led me to try to die. Id described the methods looping ceaselessly through my mind as I was slumped on the pavement near Berlins TV Tower: the gun, the noose, the blade, the pills, the bottle. The gun, the noose the mantra that would not stop. Since the only thing to hand was the nearby sptkauf (off-licence), Id resolved to drink my way to unreality.

Id told the doctor my history of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drink, drugs, meds, love and fear, my crises of faith and existential dread, and all the other things that seem to go with being human in the 21st century. I had few words left in me, but mumbling through endless tears with my hands in my lap, Id mouthed the words to her: I promise.

I hadnt gone through with the act, but God knows Id wanted to wanted to end it all and wanted it all to end. I was outpatiented for a while, and friends and loved ones looked after for me. Three years later, they still do.

How had things got so bad? In 2009, fed up with London, I bought a one-way ticket to Tegel with vague plans to hang out for a couple of months and run the Berlin marathon. Two months turned into six, then a year and eventually half a decade in that beautifully confused city. In the teeth of this current crisis, Id been struggling to hold things and myself together at the magazine where I was working. Id begun, falteringly, to deal with the dependencies that had got a grip on me (Id long been a heavy, problematic drinker, and Berlin is an easy city in which to hedonise, although by the standards of Berghain regulars, I was a total lightweight).

Meanwhile, depression and anxiety, old adversaries which Id suffered incapacitating episodes with at 21 and 30, had begun ranging back on to my neurological horizons. Id also caught glandular fever, fallen in love, and turned 42 which, as readers of Douglas Adams know, is the meaning of life. I was perpetually stressed, exhausted and despairing at work and it didnt take much for the cascade to begin: yet another work problem, a row, some piece of bad news.

Looking back, Im surprised at how fast I unravelled, how the energyless fog of depression condensed into an electric psychosis, how despair became madness. One day, one of my editors had asked if I was all right. I said: No, Im not, and started listing conflicts and confusions. (I was also surprised that she asked: I mean, its generally not the way that bosses look out for their employees.) A few days later I was in hospital.

Madness comes at you fast, to paraphrase the social media clich.

None of this is to equate my life or story with Robin Williamss in any way, apart from to say that I made it through what the doctor wrote down as a schwere (major) depressive episode, whereas Williams didnt, and Im thankful that one of us is around to talk about this stuff. Above all, Im grateful I found the courage to ask for help.

Facebook gets a lot of stick these days, but in one sense it kept me alive, because Facebook was where I asked for help in a status update that Sunday afternoon which read: Im at the bottom now, can a German speaker come to St Hedwigs with me, I need help, along with my phone number.

I dont know how long Id been there, or how many bottles of Augustiner beer to the worse I was. But I do remember an alternative thought forming from the cognitive murk: I could ask for help. Sure, everyone would see what a pitiful, drunken, helpless, tearful state I was the opposite of what Id prefer to project, yet also the truth. But the thought came: theres another way. I couldnt speak, I seemed to have been silenced, but there was my phone I could test the limits of this thing which helps people (and I quote) connect with friends, family and other people you know.

Keep talking: Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective is turning a network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in.

After a few minutes the phone went red hot, bleeping, flashing and ringing. I was hardly in a suitable frame of mind to process these messages, but looking at them a few days later, they said things like: Youll get through this; Stay positive; You are loved; and simply Love you. Some friends offered places in which to recuperate, others offered to come over. Not only was I ashamed at the alarm Id caused, I was also shocked at the volume of support that came through. There turned out to be more in the world than blank nothingness after all.

Help came, and rapidly. Friends took me to the hospital, and my life began to change.

Whether its an effect of social media or not, recently theres been a wave of men admitting to anxiety, depression or addiction, or of having attempted to kill themselves, or knowing someone whos seen the act through, problems which respect neither class, race, age or status and which, statistically and anecdotally, seem to be on the rise.

When Stormzy or Prince Harry admit that they, too, have feelings, struggles and doubts, these confessions challenge the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. They also represent a tacit plea for help, a kind of Save me from what Im supposed to be, which usually means autonomous, successful, potent, dominant, along with all the other clichs of whats been termed hegemonic masculinity.

And when another male celebrity Ant McPartlin being the latest checks into rehab, you sense that the work being done by organisations such as the Campaign Against Living Miserably (which aims to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicide in men) or Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective (which is turning a worldwide network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in) is vital.

People are opening up more instead of hiding; things are getting better, says Chapman from his salon in Torquay. Men are starting to feel comfortable talking to one another about their worries, problems and self-doubts, or going to see a GP or a health professional. Chapman decided to set up the Lions Barber Collective as a charity engaged with mens mental health awareness after a friend killed himself. Theres something about the relationship between a barber and their client where theres complete trust, he says.

The Campaign Against living Miserably cites figures from the Office for National Statistics that suicide currently stands as the biggest single killer of men aged under 45 in the UK. In 2014, there were 6,109 suicides in the UK, of which 76% were male. The ratio of male to female suicide has shown a sustained rise over the past 30 years. In 1981, men accounted for 62% of suicides, with the figure rising to 70% in 1988, 75% in 1995 and 78% in 2013.

All of which is why its heartening that in recent years the conversation on the meaning of masculinity has been growing in volume, running parallel to a wider openness on mental illness and health in society today.

The Royal Foundations Heads Together charity harnesses Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge to a mission encouraging people to open up about these problems. At a speech given on World Mental Health Day in October 2016, Prince Harry said: Too often we think mental health problems are things that happen to other people, not us. But we will all experience pressure on our mental health at some point during our lives. The more we accept that, the better we can help each other. Catching it and recognising it early saves lives. Its time we ended the shame around mental health the fear of judgment that stops people talking or getting help.

When Stormzy admits he, too, has struggles, it challenges the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage

A few months after my breakdown I returned to the UK and spent a deep, grey winter with my tirelessly patient parents, in the room where I grew up. News arrived one day of a family friend whod taken an overdose thankfully she survived. And on a train one evening I fell into an initially sheepish conversation with a woman in her 50s, each of us cryptically tiptoeing around what we both guessed was going on in each of us.

Well, Ive been ill, I told her, rather euphemistically.

Me, too, she said. Er mind if I ask what kind of ill?

It took some gentle work to overcome a barrier of shame between us, but once we had, the talk became extraordinarily candid and affirming. Shed been visiting her support group. She recounted details of her own psychotic episodes and an attempt to kill herself, then handed me an A4 pamphlet simply entitled My Story, which was heartbreaking along with being one of the bravest, most honest stories Id ever read. We made friends and resolved to stay in touch.

My own story developed, too. I spent a year living monastically in a friends boxroom in Bristol, discovering that recovery is a process rather than a destination, a project of constant modifications and setbacks with modestly miraculous breakthroughs that convince you that life is worth living. Things that have helped me include: learning, sobriety, therapy, meds, volunteering, tai chi, vitamin B, walking, talking, working and much more.

Something else helped. A few days after being taken to hospital, someone I hadnt seen for a decade read my Facebook message and wrote to say: From now on, Kev, be completely honest and open about this stuff. Confront it all head on. And seeing as youre a writer, write it all down. I was consoled by his concern, but also perplexed as to why he was so adamant about this tactic. It turns out his sister had taken her own life.

Recently I was back in Berlin to share the story I wrote down with the people who picked me up and kept me going. It turned into a book I made with my friend Enver, called Torchlight: a Publication About Asking for Help, which details my experiences of breakdown and recovery.

If that sounds like a rather crass sales pitch at the end of a story of common human dysfunction, Id counter that by saying that while we are overwhelmed by digital technologies these days, theres a striking lack of social technologies to assist people in asking for help, talking about their experiences, or sharing the methods they use to deal with the darkness. Facebook offered me the chance to ask for help, but any recovering Ive been fortunate enough to do has been social in the original sense of the word: person-to-person, with friends, family, therapists, study groups, recovery fellowships, sympathetic employers and colleagues, with people I met randomly on trains or in rooms, always in collaboration with others. Recovery is a social exercise that can be assisted but never replaced by digital technologies.

Something else I know now is that we fall apart, alone and in private, but we heal together, with others, the ones who arent shocked or scared by what they see when the mask of shame is removed.

At torchlightsystem.com you can buy Kevins book Torchlight, watch his short film and purchase Practice Cards which offer hints for daily living when suffering from depression and anxiety. The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, and Mind on 0300 123 3393

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/13/why-do-men-suffer-depression-in-silence

[gaylemccoy972-blog]

why do men suffer depression in silence?

When Kevin Braddock hit rockbottom, he had every intention of killing himself. He recounts what happened next and reveals why so few men ask for help

It was a Monday when Robin Williams killed himself three years ago Monday 11 August 2014. His death was shocking even if in hindsight it shouldnt have been a surprise that the worlds funniest man might also be the most sorrowful, too a person despairing to the point of ending it all.

Its a date I remember well, because Id spent the previous day trying to do the same thing. I was in the psychiatric ward of the Berlin hospital which Id been manhandled into by friends the day before, and I was waiting to see the doctor whod asked me to promise that I wouldnt kill myself.

In her consultation room Id thought about it for a while; Id already told her all I could about what led me to try to die. Id described the methods looping ceaselessly through my mind as I was slumped on the pavement near Berlins TV Tower: the gun, the noose, the blade, the pills, the bottle. The gun, the noose the mantra that would not stop. Since the only thing to hand was the nearby sptkauf (off-licence), Id resolved to drink my way to unreality.

Id told the doctor my history of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drink, drugs, meds, love and fear, my crises of faith and existential dread, and all the other things that seem to go with being human in the 21st century. I had few words left in me, but mumbling through endless tears with my hands in my lap, Id mouthed the words to her: I promise.

I hadnt gone through with the act, but God knows Id wanted to wanted to end it all and wanted it all to end. I was outpatiented for a while, and friends and loved ones looked after for me. Three years later, they still do.

How had things got so bad? In 2009, fed up with London, I bought a one-way ticket to Tegel with vague plans to hang out for a couple of months and run the Berlin marathon. Two months turned into six, then a year and eventually half a decade in that beautifully confused city. In the teeth of this current crisis, Id been struggling to hold things and myself together at the magazine where I was working. Id begun, falteringly, to deal with the dependencies that had got a grip on me (Id long been a heavy, problematic drinker, and Berlin is an easy city in which to hedonise, although by the standards of Berghain regulars, I was a total lightweight).

Meanwhile, depression and anxiety, old adversaries which Id suffered incapacitating episodes with at 21 and 30, had begun ranging back on to my neurological horizons. Id also caught glandular fever, fallen in love, and turned 42 which, as readers of Douglas Adams know, is the meaning of life. I was perpetually stressed, exhausted and despairing at work and it didnt take much for the cascade to begin: yet another work problem, a row, some piece of bad news.

Looking back, Im surprised at how fast I unravelled, how the energyless fog of depression condensed into an electric psychosis, how despair became madness. One day, one of my editors had asked if I was all right. I said: No, Im not, and started listing conflicts and confusions. (I was also surprised that she asked: I mean, its generally not the way that bosses look out for their employees.) A few days later I was in hospital.

Madness comes at you fast, to paraphrase the social media clich.

None of this is to equate my life or story with Robin Williamss in any way, apart from to say that I made it through what the doctor wrote down as a schwere (major) depressive episode, whereas Williams didnt, and Im thankful that one of us is around to talk about this stuff. Above all, Im grateful I found the courage to ask for help.

Facebook gets a lot of stick these days, but in one sense it kept me alive, because Facebook was where I asked for help in a status update that Sunday afternoon which read: Im at the bottom now, can a German speaker come to St Hedwigs with me, I need help, along with my phone number.

I dont know how long Id been there, or how many bottles of Augustiner beer to the worse I was. But I do remember an alternative thought forming from the cognitive murk: I could ask for help. Sure, everyone would see what a pitiful, drunken, helpless, tearful state I was the opposite of what Id prefer to project, yet also the truth. But the thought came: theres another way. I couldnt speak, I seemed to have been silenced, but there was my phone I could test the limits of this thing which helps people (and I quote) connect with friends, family and other people you know.

Keep talking: Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective is turning a network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in.

After a few minutes the phone went red hot, bleeping, flashing and ringing. I was hardly in a suitable frame of mind to process these messages, but looking at them a few days later, they said things like: Youll get through this; Stay positive; You are loved; and simply Love you. Some friends offered places in which to recuperate, others offered to come over. Not only was I ashamed at the alarm Id caused, I was also shocked at the volume of support that came through. There turned out to be more in the world than blank nothingness after all.

Help came, and rapidly. Friends took me to the hospital, and my life began to change.

Whether its an effect of social media or not, recently theres been a wave of men admitting to anxiety, depression or addiction, or of having attempted to kill themselves, or knowing someone whos seen the act through, problems which respect neither class, race, age or status and which, statistically and anecdotally, seem to be on the rise.

When Stormzy or Prince Harry admit that they, too, have feelings, struggles and doubts, these confessions challenge the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. They also represent a tacit plea for help, a kind of Save me from what Im supposed to be, which usually means autonomous, successful, potent, dominant, along with all the other clichs of whats been termed hegemonic masculinity.

And when another male celebrity Ant McPartlin being the latest checks into rehab, you sense that the work being done by organisations such as the Campaign Against Living Miserably (which aims to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicide in men) or Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective (which is turning a worldwide network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in) is vital.

People are opening up more instead of hiding; things are getting better, says Chapman from his salon in Torquay. Men are starting to feel comfortable talking to one another about their worries, problems and self-doubts, or going to see a GP or a health professional. Chapman decided to set up the Lions Barber Collective as a charity engaged with mens mental health awareness after a friend killed himself. Theres something about the relationship between a barber and their client where theres complete trust, he says.

The Campaign Against living Miserably cites figures from the Office for National Statistics that suicide currently stands as the biggest single killer of men aged under 45 in the UK. In 2014, there were 6,109 suicides in the UK, of which 76% were male. The ratio of male to female suicide has shown a sustained rise over the past 30 years. In 1981, men accounted for 62% of suicides, with the figure rising to 70% in 1988, 75% in 1995 and 78% in 2013.

All of which is why its heartening that in recent years the conversation on the meaning of masculinity has been growing in volume, running parallel to a wider openness on mental illness and health in society today.

The Royal Foundations Heads Together charity harnesses Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge to a mission encouraging people to open up about these problems. At a speech given on World Mental Health Day in October 2016, Prince Harry said: Too often we think mental health problems are things that happen to other people, not us. But we will all experience pressure on our mental health at some point during our lives. The more we accept that, the better we can help each other. Catching it and recognising it early saves lives. Its time we ended the shame around mental health the fear of judgment that stops people talking or getting help.

When Stormzy admits he, too, has struggles, it challenges the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage

A few months after my breakdown I returned to the UK and spent a deep, grey winter with my tirelessly patient parents, in the room where I grew up. News arrived one day of a family friend whod taken an overdose thankfully she survived. And on a train one evening I fell into an initially sheepish conversation with a woman in her 50s, each of us cryptically tiptoeing around what we both guessed was going on in each of us.

Well, Ive been ill, I told her, rather euphemistically.

Me, too, she said. Er mind if I ask what kind of ill?

It took some gentle work to overcome a barrier of shame between us, but once we had, the talk became extraordinarily candid and affirming. Shed been visiting her support group. She recounted details of her own psychotic episodes and an attempt to kill herself, then handed me an A4 pamphlet simply entitled My Story, which was heartbreaking along with being one of the bravest, most honest stories Id ever read. We made friends and resolved to stay in touch.

My own story developed, too. I spent a year living monastically in a friends boxroom in Bristol, discovering that recovery is a process rather than a destination, a project of constant modifications and setbacks with modestly miraculous breakthroughs that convince you that life is worth living. Things that have helped me include: learning, sobriety, therapy, meds, volunteering, tai chi, vitamin B, walking, talking, working and much more.

Something else helped. A few days after being taken to hospital, someone I hadnt seen for a decade read my Facebook message and wrote to say: From now on, Kev, be completely honest and open about this stuff. Confront it all head on. And seeing as youre a writer, write it all down. I was consoled by his concern, but also perplexed as to why he was so adamant about this tactic. It turns out his sister had taken her own life.

Recently I was back in Berlin to share the story I wrote down with the people who picked me up and kept me going. It turned into a book I made with my friend Enver, called Torchlight: a Publication About Asking for Help, which details my experiences of breakdown and recovery.

If that sounds like a rather crass sales pitch at the end of a story of common human dysfunction, Id counter that by saying that while we are overwhelmed by digital technologies these days, theres a striking lack of social technologies to assist people in asking for help, talking about their experiences, or sharing the methods they use to deal with the darkness. Facebook offered me the chance to ask for help, but any recovering Ive been fortunate enough to do has been social in the original sense of the word: person-to-person, with friends, family, therapists, study groups, recovery fellowships, sympathetic employers and colleagues, with people I met randomly on trains or in rooms, always in collaboration with others. Recovery is a social exercise that can be assisted but never replaced by digital technologies.

Something else I know now is that we fall apart, alone and in private, but we heal together, with others, the ones who arent shocked or scared by what they see when the mask of shame is removed.

At torchlightsystem.com you can buy Kevins book Torchlight, watch his short film and purchase Practice Cards which offer hints for daily living when suffering from depression and anxiety. The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, and Mind on 0300 123 3393

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/13/why-do-men-suffer-depression-in-silence

[bradporter65-blog]

why do men suffer depression in silence?

When Kevin Braddock hit rockbottom, he had every intention of killing himself. He recounts what happened next and reveals why so few men ask for help

It was a Monday when Robin Williams killed himself three years ago Monday 11 August 2014. His death was shocking even if in hindsight it shouldnt have been a surprise that the worlds funniest man might also be the most sorrowful, too a person despairing to the point of ending it all.

Its a date I remember well, because Id spent the previous day trying to do the same thing. I was in the psychiatric ward of the Berlin hospital which Id been manhandled into by friends the day before, and I was waiting to see the doctor whod asked me to promise that I wouldnt kill myself.

In her consultation room Id thought about it for a while; Id already told her all I could about what led me to try to die. Id described the methods looping ceaselessly through my mind as I was slumped on the pavement near Berlins TV Tower: the gun, the noose, the blade, the pills, the bottle. The gun, the noose the mantra that would not stop. Since the only thing to hand was the nearby sptkauf (off-licence), Id resolved to drink my way to unreality.

Id told the doctor my history of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drink, drugs, meds, love and fear, my crises of faith and existential dread, and all the other things that seem to go with being human in the 21st century. I had few words left in me, but mumbling through endless tears with my hands in my lap, Id mouthed the words to her: I promise.

I hadnt gone through with the act, but God knows Id wanted to wanted to end it all and wanted it all to end. I was outpatiented for a while, and friends and loved ones looked after for me. Three years later, they still do.

How had things got so bad? In 2009, fed up with London, I bought a one-way ticket to Tegel with vague plans to hang out for a couple of months and run the Berlin marathon. Two months turned into six, then a year and eventually half a decade in that beautifully confused city. In the teeth of this current crisis, Id been struggling to hold things and myself together at the magazine where I was working. Id begun, falteringly, to deal with the dependencies that had got a grip on me (Id long been a heavy, problematic drinker, and Berlin is an easy city in which to hedonise, although by the standards of Berghain regulars, I was a total lightweight).

Meanwhile, depression and anxiety, old adversaries which Id suffered incapacitating episodes with at 21 and 30, had begun ranging back on to my neurological horizons. Id also caught glandular fever, fallen in love, and turned 42 which, as readers of Douglas Adams know, is the meaning of life. I was perpetually stressed, exhausted and despairing at work and it didnt take much for the cascade to begin: yet another work problem, a row, some piece of bad news.

Looking back, Im surprised at how fast I unravelled, how the energyless fog of depression condensed into an electric psychosis, how despair became madness. One day, one of my editors had asked if I was all right. I said: No, Im not, and started listing conflicts and confusions. (I was also surprised that she asked: I mean, its generally not the way that bosses look out for their employees.) A few days later I was in hospital.

Madness comes at you fast, to paraphrase the social media clich.

None of this is to equate my life or story with Robin Williamss in any way, apart from to say that I made it through what the doctor wrote down as a schwere (major) depressive episode, whereas Williams didnt, and Im thankful that one of us is around to talk about this stuff. Above all, Im grateful I found the courage to ask for help.

Facebook gets a lot of stick these days, but in one sense it kept me alive, because Facebook was where I asked for help in a status update that Sunday afternoon which read: Im at the bottom now, can a German speaker come to St Hedwigs with me, I need help, along with my phone number.

I dont know how long Id been there, or how many bottles of Augustiner beer to the worse I was. But I do remember an alternative thought forming from the cognitive murk: I could ask for help. Sure, everyone would see what a pitiful, drunken, helpless, tearful state I was the opposite of what Id prefer to project, yet also the truth. But the thought came: theres another way. I couldnt speak, I seemed to have been silenced, but there was my phone I could test the limits of this thing which helps people (and I quote) connect with friends, family and other people you know.

Keep talking: Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective is turning a network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in.

After a few minutes the phone went red hot, bleeping, flashing and ringing. I was hardly in a suitable frame of mind to process these messages, but looking at them a few days later, they said things like: Youll get through this; Stay positive; You are loved; and simply Love you. Some friends offered places in which to recuperate, others offered to come over. Not only was I ashamed at the alarm Id caused, I was also shocked at the volume of support that came through. There turned out to be more in the world than blank nothingness after all.

Help came, and rapidly. Friends took me to the hospital, and my life began to change.

Whether its an effect of social media or not, recently theres been a wave of men admitting to anxiety, depression or addiction, or of having attempted to kill themselves, or knowing someone whos seen the act through, problems which respect neither class, race, age or status and which, statistically and anecdotally, seem to be on the rise.

When Stormzy or Prince Harry admit that they, too, have feelings, struggles and doubts, these confessions challenge the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. They also represent a tacit plea for help, a kind of Save me from what Im supposed to be, which usually means autonomous, successful, potent, dominant, along with all the other clichs of whats been termed hegemonic masculinity.

And when another male celebrity Ant McPartlin being the latest checks into rehab, you sense that the work being done by organisations such as the Campaign Against Living Miserably (which aims to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicide in men) or Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective (which is turning a worldwide network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in) is vital.

People are opening up more instead of hiding; things are getting better, says Chapman from his salon in Torquay. Men are starting to feel comfortable talking to one another about their worries, problems and self-doubts, or going to see a GP or a health professional. Chapman decided to set up the Lions Barber Collective as a charity engaged with mens mental health awareness after a friend killed himself. Theres something about the relationship between a barber and their client where theres complete trust, he says.

The Campaign Against living Miserably cites figures from the Office for National Statistics that suicide currently stands as the biggest single killer of men aged under 45 in the UK. In 2014, there were 6,109 suicides in the UK, of which 76% were male. The ratio of male to female suicide has shown a sustained rise over the past 30 years. In 1981, men accounted for 62% of suicides, with the figure rising to 70% in 1988, 75% in 1995 and 78% in 2013.

All of which is why its heartening that in recent years the conversation on the meaning of masculinity has been growing in volume, running parallel to a wider openness on mental illness and health in society today.

The Royal Foundations Heads Together charity harnesses Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge to a mission encouraging people to open up about these problems. At a speech given on World Mental Health Day in October 2016, Prince Harry said: Too often we think mental health problems are things that happen to other people, not us. But we will all experience pressure on our mental health at some point during our lives. The more we accept that, the better we can help each other. Catching it and recognising it early saves lives. Its time we ended the shame around mental health the fear of judgment that stops people talking or getting help.

When Stormzy admits he, too, has struggles, it challenges the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage

A few months after my breakdown I returned to the UK and spent a deep, grey winter with my tirelessly patient parents, in the room where I grew up. News arrived one day of a family friend whod taken an overdose thankfully she survived. And on a train one evening I fell into an initially sheepish conversation with a woman in her 50s, each of us cryptically tiptoeing around what we both guessed was going on in each of us.

Well, Ive been ill, I told her, rather euphemistically.

Me, too, she said. Er mind if I ask what kind of ill?

It took some gentle work to overcome a barrier of shame between us, but once we had, the talk became extraordinarily candid and affirming. Shed been visiting her support group. She recounted details of her own psychotic episodes and an attempt to kill herself, then handed me an A4 pamphlet simply entitled My Story, which was heartbreaking along with being one of the bravest, most honest stories Id ever read. We made friends and resolved to stay in touch.

My own story developed, too. I spent a year living monastically in a friends boxroom in Bristol, discovering that recovery is a process rather than a destination, a project of constant modifications and setbacks with modestly miraculous breakthroughs that convince you that life is worth living. Things that have helped me include: learning, sobriety, therapy, meds, volunteering, tai chi, vitamin B, walking, talking, working and much more.

Something else helped. A few days after being taken to hospital, someone I hadnt seen for a decade read my Facebook message and wrote to say: From now on, Kev, be completely honest and open about this stuff. Confront it all head on. And seeing as youre a writer, write it all down. I was consoled by his concern, but also perplexed as to why he was so adamant about this tactic. It turns out his sister had taken her own life.

Recently I was back in Berlin to share the story I wrote down with the people who picked me up and kept me going. It turned into a book I made with my friend Enver, called Torchlight: a Publication About Asking for Help, which details my experiences of breakdown and recovery.

If that sounds like a rather crass sales pitch at the end of a story of common human dysfunction, Id counter that by saying that while we are overwhelmed by digital technologies these days, theres a striking lack of social technologies to assist people in asking for help, talking about their experiences, or sharing the methods they use to deal with the darkness. Facebook offered me the chance to ask for help, but any recovering Ive been fortunate enough to do has been social in the original sense of the word: person-to-person, with friends, family, therapists, study groups, recovery fellowships, sympathetic employers and colleagues, with people I met randomly on trains or in rooms, always in collaboration with others. Recovery is a social exercise that can be assisted but never replaced by digital technologies.

Something else I know now is that we fall apart, alone and in private, but we heal together, with others, the ones who arent shocked or scared by what they see when the mask of shame is removed.

At torchlightsystem.com you can buy Kevins book Torchlight, watch his short film and purchase Practice Cards which offer hints for daily living when suffering from depression and anxiety. The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, and Mind on 0300 123 3393

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/13/why-do-men-suffer-depression-in-silence

[viralhottopics]

Mental Health Patients Worry They Won’t Survive Paul Ryan’s War On Medicaid

President Donald Trump indicated in hisfirst federal budgetthat his administration is committed to investing in programs that tackle mental illness, but the health care legislation he and Republican lawmakers are championing suggests otherwise.

House Republicans released the American Health Care Act earlier this month. It proposes slashing$880 billion to Medicaid, which is the largest payer of mental health services in the country, as well as removing the requirement that Medicaid plans cover mental health and phasing out the programs expansion under theAffordable Care Act. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Pricehas previously advocated for reducingfederal funding of the program, too.

House Speaker Paul Ryan, the architect of AHCA, gushed this week about potentially cutting Medicaid funding.

Weve been dreaming of this since you and I were drinking out of a keg, he said to National Review editor Rich Lowry at a conferenced hosted by the publication.

There are a lot of people who have chronic mental health conditions who are dependent on Medicaid, both younger people and adults, said Victor Schwartz, the chief medical officer for a youth mental health nonprofit called theJed Foundation. The people at highest risk for the worst consequences are going to be put in jeopardy.

I have no doubt that this care keeps me alive.

States will undoubtedly have to make cuts to crucial services if they lose federal funding.

Kat H., a 36-year-old single mother from Minnesota who asked not to be identified by her full name because it could affect her employment,is one of the people who stands to lose the most if she cant keep her Medicaid coverage.

I have no doubt that this care keeps me alive, said Kat, who has borderline personality disorder.

Without psychiatric care, I sometimes cant even get out of bed for days, she said.With it, I hold down a fulfilling and rewarding job, parent effectively, and maintain relationships with family and friends.

Kat is a self-employed database contractor who estimates she makes around $20,000 a year.Shes able to afford treatment thanks to Obamacares Medicaid expansion, which the GOP bill aims to end in 2020.

Todd Crouch, 46, has bipolar disorder and benefited from Medicaid expansion in his home state of Michigan. He didnt have health insurance for years, and said the quality of his health care has great improved since he signed up for Medicaid when Michigan expanded the program.

Without Medicaid, Crouch said he would be right back where I was five or six years ago, where I was hopeless.

Im barely putting food on my table, he said.How am I going to afford health care?

Bloomberg via Getty Images

The American Health Care Act, which House Republicans released earlier this month, proposes slashing $880 million to Medicaid. House Speaker Paul Ryan has long supported cutting funding for the program. 

The consequences of untreated mental illness

Issues related to untreated mental illness tend to snowball.

If those people dont have access to care, you lose work days, families break apart, Schwartz said. By virtue of not being able to treat people who are mildly troubled, you wind up with people who are sicker.

A lack of treatment can even be deadly, said Paul Gionfriddo, CEO of the Mental Health America nonprofit.

You end up with people who lose their jobs, who lose their societal supports, lose their families, lose their access to education, lose their housing, he said. And then we see them on our streets and in our jails and prisons, and frankly in our morgues.

And research has shown that mental illness can be harmful to both individuals and society if left untreated.

A 2008 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health before Obamacare took effect found that people with mental illness who werent able to work cost the U.S. economynearly $200 billioneach year. Incarcerations, homelessness and physical health problems connected to poor mental health only add to that cost.

Where do people think the people on the corners asking for money come from? said Gionfriddo. Where do they think people who are chronically homeless come from? he added. Where do the think people in county jails and state prions come from? All of those are visual representation real life, real time of what happens when you have an inadequate system for mental health services and supports.

The GOPs plan to replace Obamacare would end up making health care even less accessible to millions of Americans, particularly tolow-income people. Around one-third of Medicaid beneficiaries suffer from mental health issuesor addiction, according to the Department of Health and Human Services.And Trumps federal budget planonly makes things worse for the poor, with cuts tokey programssuch as affordable housing, job training and legal counseling.

If I dont have my mental health, Im not able to go to work — and then what would I do? Kat H.

Research indicates that there is a direct correlation between poverty and mental health issues. Low-income people are more likely to suffer from mental illness, according toa report from the New York Universitys McSilver Institute. This is partly because theyre less likely to be able to afford treatment and partly because the stress of poverty can exacerbate existing mental health problems.

Im barely making it happen financially with my situation right now, Kat said.There are some days where we have beans and rice for dinner because thats all I have enough for in my bank account. The stress about it makes me crazy, it makes me lose sleep. If I dont have my mental health,Im not able to go to work and then what would I do?

Gionfriddo said his 32-year-old son, Timothy, has a serious mental illness and relies on disability benefits and affordable housing to stay out of jail and off the streets.

He has been making a concentrated effort to come in off the streets, he said. But you make that impossible to happen if you cut these other programs.

The GOP has a history of cutting mental health services

The Affordable Care Act has been seen as a major win formental health care.The expansion of Medicaid, coupled with increased accessto private insurance,filled gaps widened over the years by state and federal cuts to mental health services.

People with mental illness are an easy target from a purely political perspective, said the Jed Foundations Schwartz. Theres not a strong lobby, theyre not giving political contributions or in many cases not even voting.

Mental health servicesare often among the first issueson the chopping block when budgets get slashed. The mental health care system lost around $4.35 billion after the 2008 financial crisis,according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Although much of that money found its way back into budgets, some systems never recovered. Several states, includingFlorida,NevadaandMichigan,are currently weighing cutting millions more.

Some Republican lawmakers, though, are fighting to keep the American mental health care system afloat.

In aletter to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnellthis month, Sens. Rob Portman (R-Ohio), Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska), Shelley Capito (R-W.Va.) and Cory Gardner (R-Colo.) expressed serious concerns about the AHCAs effects on mental health.

Any poorly implemented or poorly timed change in the current funding structure in Medicaid could result in a reduction in access to life-saving health care services, the lawmakers said. We believe Medicaid needs to be reformed, but reform should not come at the cost of disruption in access to health care for our countrys most vulnerable and sickest individuals.

During the 2016 campaign, Trump pledged to protect Medicaid and Medicare. But he also said he would be open to funding the programs through block grants, which opponentssay could lead to reduced benefits. And it appears Trump has shifted further away from his campaign promises since taking office, supporting the Houses health care bill and hinting at dramatic changes for Medicaid recipients.

Although Trumps budget may claim to want to help people with mental illness, patients advocates arent so sure.

Until we see all the numbers,its really hard to understand just how much of a commitment is here beyond the words, Gionfriddo said.

While politicians tinker with budgets and weigh which cuts will hurt the least, patients are left without answers.

This is not some hypothetical, academic debate, Kat said. This is my real life.

CORRECTION:A previous version of this article stated that the Republicans health care plan involved $880 million in cuts to Medicaid. That figure is $880 billion.

How will Trumps first 100 days impact you? Sign up for our weekly newsletter and get breaking updates on Trumps presidency by messaging us here.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2ncdDPK

from Mental Health Patients Worry They Won’t Survive Paul Ryan’s War On Medicaid

[bigbrotherjohto-blog]

Here are Kaitlyn’s Diary Room Sessions!

[11/18/16, 10:01:12 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) WHAT ARE YOUR INITIAL IMPRESSIONS OF THE OTHER HOUSEGUESTS? (Sun) [11/18/16, 10:02:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: half of them are annoying :/// [11/18/16, 10:02:39 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: good [11/18/16, 10:02:48 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I just really don't like Bridgette :/// [11/19/16, 5:54:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/d9eke5 I only did this twice bc I don't wanna win' [11/19/16, 5:56:00 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) thanks! [11/19/16, 8:08:46 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok I literally was on call when I did this puzzle and I was like " eh ill do it one more time so it looks like im trying and I just suck at puzzles" when I was literally just going slow bc I didnt wanna win but connor gonna roll up with an hour for his puzzle i'm screaming jldakfj [11/19/16, 8:12:34 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/19/16, 9:26:22 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun)  HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JUSTIN AND MIKE WINNING HOH? (sun) [11/19/16, 9:41:15 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: who and who? [11/19/16, 9:41:22 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/19/16, 9:41:37 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: what will you do if you are nominated next to kaleigh [11/19/16, 9:41:46 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: i'll nut [11/19/16, 9:41:55 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: campaign the fuck against Kaleigh [11/19/16, 9:42:03 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: queen [11/19/16, 9:42:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: legend [11/19/16, 9:42:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: honestly if i'm nominated with her I would be like ??? did yall see what we did to each other in sbb3 leave me ALONE [11/20/16, 4:24:00 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/d9qgin [11/20/16, 4:24:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/d9qgmk [11/20/16, 4:24:10 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: what [11/20/16, 4:24:20 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/20/16, 4:24:34 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: he's so good at big brother [11/20/16, 4:24:48 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me too [11/20/16, 4:24:53 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: :////// [11/20/16, 6:11:29 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/d9rmqk [11/20/16, 6:11:34 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i'm getting deja vu send help [11/20/16, 6:12:45 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: oh my god [11/20/16, 6:14:20 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me: be nice, maybe it's true that I just happened to talk to him less than everyone else, I'm sure he has good reasons, and if I just- also me: destroy him [11/20/16, 6:14:21 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/d9rnh3 [11/20/16, 6:14:36 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: STOP KAITLYN [11/20/16, 6:14:37 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: SDNF [11/20/16, 6:14:39 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: im crying [11/20/16, 6:14:48 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: this is what my dr was like in sbb3 [11/20/16, 6:15:02 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: except this meme didnt exist but im so happy it does now [11/20/16, 6:15:12 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i feel blessed [11/21/16, 5:03:41 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok can I do pov [11/21/16, 5:04:29 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yes [11/21/16, 5:04:33 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: do you have any questions? [11/21/16, 5:04:50 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: just all the words that you gave in the post is the only words there are? [11/21/16, 5:04:57 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yes! [11/21/16, 5:05:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: there will also be a word bank on the puzzle too [11/21/16, 5:05:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: oh ok good  bc I had a word document open with them in it dljaflk [11/21/16, 5:05:52 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: whew yes ok are you ready? [11/21/16, 5:05:57 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: yup [11/21/16, 5:05:59 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 3 [11/21/16, 5:06:00 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 2 [11/21/16, 5:06:00 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 1 [11/21/16, 5:06:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: Image [11/21/16, 5:06:12 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES! GOOD LUCK!* [11/21/16, 5:16:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/da5zy0 [11/21/16, 5:16:32 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: thanks! good luck! (sun) [11/21/16, 5:17:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: sorry its so sloppy but I did it with the screenshot thing so I had to just [11/21/16, 5:17:57 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: no worries there have been uglier ones ksjdfn [11/21/16, 5:18:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok cute [11/21/16, 5:18:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: at least I got them all and if someone literally does better than me im just gonna be like how [11/21/16, 5:19:26 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/21/16, 8:14:49 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: How [11/21/16, 8:16:19 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: shook [11/21/16, 8:18:45 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: He did have a strategy and I didn't besides skimming so I probably should have tried strategy huh [11/21/16, 8:19:44 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) DO YOU THINK JACOB WILL SAVE YOU WITH DPOV? (sun) [11/21/16, 8:20:43 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: its 50/50 so maybe!!!! and if he doesn't he obviously wants me to suffer for my birthday [11/21/16, 8:21:30 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/21/16, 9:11:43 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: vl dr- me: be calm, you're still nominated, breathe in, breathe out.... also me: call Justin ugly http://prnt.sc/d9rnh3 [11/21/16, 9:12:07 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: KAITLYNDSFKMDSF [11/21/16, 9:13:57 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: (: [11/21/16, 9:14:15 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i see how you won afp in sbb3 now huh [11/21/16, 9:14:26 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: yeah probably [11/22/16, 4:08:09 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I don't even need to cause drama this game, I can just hide behind Bridgette, Kaleigh, and Ari [11/22/16, 6:27:20 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: oh my god [11/22/16, 8:24:47 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) AS A FINAL NOMINEE YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE CHANCE TO GIVE A SPEECH TO THE OTHER HOUSEGUESTS AT THE LIVE EVICTION TOMORROW NIGHT AT 8PM EST. IF YOU CANNOT BE AT THE LIVE EVICTION, FEEL FREE TO SEND YOUR SPEECH TO US AHEAD OF TIME AND WE CAN SEND IT DURING THE LIVE EVICTION! BEST OF LUCK! (sun) [11/22/16, 8:51:17 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: VL DR: http://prntscr.com/damyj2 [11/22/16, 8:52:36 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: queen [11/23/16, 4:59:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: If i'm not here for the live eviction tonight here is what I have to say....

I would appreciate not being evicted week 1, I'm active and therefore have more to offer other people for their game than Jay does, who only talks in the house chat after being a final nominee. At this point, personally, active people are much more fun to keep around because it makes the pre-jury phase fun for everyone and not boring! So keep me if you don't want to be bored to tears all game! [11/23/16, 5:06:38 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: why did i read this in your voice [11/23/16, 5:35:25 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: sane [11/23/16, 5:35:27 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: same [11/23/16, 5:43:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ill probably be here but i'll be like just coming back from the gym [11/23/16, 6:47:59 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Sc me when it's time bcim going to the store + the gym so I may be a few minutes Late actually [11/23/16, 6:50:54 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: add me on sc Kaitlyn [11/23/16, 6:57:53 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: @ohmygod-why [11/23/16, 6:58:34 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok i will!! [11/24/16, 11:09:58 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I can't believe i'm playing another game with probably the same bitch who is Ashley sarah [11/24/16, 11:10:10 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: anyway i'm about to send my hoh thing in [11/24/16, 11:12:22 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im gonna give 5 pokeballs to Julia and 6 pokeballs to Christian then keep the rest for myself [11/24/16, 11:16:52 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yay thanks (sun) [11/24/16, 12:25:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I dont think some of my team are thinking that it's smart to give pokeballs to people that you don't think will nom you on the other team and i'm not gonna be the one to tell them [11/24/16, 2:25:16 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/24/16, 8:13:07 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SLADE AND RANDY WINNING HOH? (sun) [11/24/16, 8:13:48 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: everyone that like for sure wouldn't nominate me is on my team so what the fuck [11/25/16, 2:32:06 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: The constant struggle this season: [11/25/16, 2:32:07 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/dbj5y4 [11/25/16, 2:32:18 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: oh my god me [11/25/16, 2:33:10 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: that can also be a vl dr [11/25/16, 2:33:20 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: hehe [11/25/16, 4:38:08 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I have been so nice to Bridgette bc she's been ,like "oh I know I was complete shit but I've changed!!!!!" but like, it was brought to my attention that outside of this game her, Julia (the one fucking doing stupid hexing shit), and that annoying ass thiccolas were on someone's Instagram making fun of their dead mother again and I do not fuck with that nor can I work with that in a game so this BOTB twist really needs to end like rn [11/25/16, 5:34:05 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: dpov says hello [11/25/16, 5:34:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I WILL WIN EVERY DPOV THAT IS NECESSARY TO GET BRIDGETTE OUT DO NOT TEST ME [11/25/16, 5:35:12 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: fuck [11/25/16, 6:03:56 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: good I wasn't nominated again, my asshole can stop clenching now [11/25/16, 6:04:07 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/25/16, 7:01:29 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: oh Bridgette explained to me her side so i'm not as mad anymore whew [11/25/16, 7:01:48 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: spill us that good t [11/25/16, 7:02:04 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: also On 11/25/16, at 7:00 PM, Mike wrote: > im always here no one just cares to talk to me so why was he the only one to not send in his screenshot of pms with Jay HMMMMM??? [11/25/16, 7:02:16 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I never FORGET [11/25/16, 7:02:31 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: and it's t related to outside of the game so its not relevant here akldjfklaj [11/25/16, 7:02:38 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: tru [11/26/16, 9:16:32 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 11/26/16, at 6:42 AM, Ruthie ❤ wrote: > All those deleted messages though ^^ last night must have been another wild one.  :o busTED [11/26/16, 10:55:42 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/26/16, 8:03:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I'm just watching the evil team fall apart bc Carson won dpov but.... are they forgetting we have a rat in the chat because......... Carson still gotta nom..... [11/26/16, 8:03:54 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) [11/26/16, 8:26:22 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: (mooning) [11/26/16, 8:26:46 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: wHY [11/26/16, 8:27:05 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: why not [11/26/16, 8:28:17 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: point taken [11/26/16, 9:39:00 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me when I end up winning this game [11/26/16, 9:39:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: https://i.gyazo.com/768ae410ddc626658372b9c35fc96f19.gif [11/26/16, 9:45:06 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: BUE [11/27/16, 7:29:08 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me: doesn't say anything about the rat in the chat and is quiet about it while making a new chat everyone: oh my god continues chaos me: https://i.gyazo.com/768ae410ddc626658372b9c35fc96f19.gif [11/27/16, 7:29:29 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: FUCK [11/27/16, 7:30:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: wait now would be a good time to make a vl dr [11/27/16, 7:31:33 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: VL DR: good team: http://prntscr.com/dcl18p evil team: http://prntscr.com/dcl13p me: https://i.gyazo.com/768ae410ddc626658372b9c35fc96f19.gif [11/27/16, 7:31:35 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: wait no [11/27/16, 7:31:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im not done [11/27/16, 7:31:48 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/27/16, 7:32:26 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I fixed it [11/27/16, 8:27:57 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I highkey wanna vote out Bridgette but I know she aint leaving [11/27/16, 8:49:57 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) [11/28/16, 6:04:17 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im gonna vote before I take my bottle of wine and go get a bubble bath for the next few hours [11/28/16, 6:04:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im voting to evict ruthie [11/28/16, 6:04:44 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [11/28/16, 6:05:12 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: don’t 4get ur goodbye messages hehe [11/28/16, 6:05:45 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: my goodbye message to whoever leaves: https://i.gyazo.com/768ae410ddc626658372b9c35fc96f19.gif [11/28/16, 6:06:00 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/29/16, 5:02:19 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me when I realized Bridgette was evicted: https://68.media.tumblr.com/200710a6601dffb0fae22f5902aa4fa9/tumblr_inline_odztbrxZKh1u11hgm_500.gif me when I realized I voted out Ruthie: https://67.media.tumblr.com/91166809a516700e66b9ce1f83c8c74f/tumblr_inline_o9a0imn0xc1qlzhn0_500.gif [11/29/16, 2:20:21 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok me [11/29/16, 6:07:58 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: how long should this take [11/29/16, 6:09:01 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i mean u have as long as u need [11/29/16, 6:09:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: its 18 questions [11/29/16, 6:09:11 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: bitch im smort [11/29/16, 6:09:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok let me unlock my door so I don't have to get up in the middle of this [11/29/16, 6:09:41 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok whew [11/29/16, 6:10:00 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i unlocked my door just incase someone wanted to come in and murder me [11/29/16, 6:10:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: anyway im ready [11/29/16, 6:10:23 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: whew ok [11/29/16, 6:10:24 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 3 [11/29/16, 6:10:24 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 2 [11/29/16, 6:10:25 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: 1 [11/29/16, 6:10:25 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: https://goo.gl/forms/T3bcNB5c5aLaneso1 [11/29/16, 6:10:29 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: GOOD LUCK! [11/29/16, 6:15:23 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: whew [11/29/16, 9:15:06 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WINNING HOH? (Sun) [11/29/16, 9:21:59 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: the house guests when I won HOH: http://prntscr.com/ddggm4 [11/29/16, 9:23:31 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/30/16, 12:05:04 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: hey kaitlyn [11/30/16, 12:05:08 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: hey [11/30/16, 12:05:09 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: u know what would be fun [11/30/16, 12:05:09 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: kaitlyn [11/30/16, 12:05:14 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ,,,,, [11/30/16, 12:05:16 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: REALLY fun [11/30/16, 12:05:20 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: if you did,,,,, [11/30/16, 12:05:24 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: a,,,, [11/30/16, 12:05:31 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: v (sun) i (sun) d (sun) e (sun) o [11/30/16, 12:06:05 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: for noms? [11/30/16, 12:06:08 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) [11/30/16, 12:06:10 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yes [11/30/16, 12:06:11 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: (sun) n (sun) o (sun) m (sun) i (sun) n (sun) a (sun) t (sun) i (sun) o (sun) n (sun) s (sun) [11/30/16, 12:06:13 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/30/16, 12:08:16 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: why you want a video? I mean Ill do it but the speech is gonna be boring [11/30/16, 12:08:59 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: videos are fun [11/30/16, 12:09:01 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: you don’t have to if u don’t want to [11/30/16, 12:09:06 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: On 11/30/16, at 12:09 AM, nicholas [ johto host ] wrote: > you don’t have to if u don’t want to [11/30/16, 12:09:13 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: On 11/30/16, at 12:08 AM, veronica (mauvais) [ johto host ] wrote: > videos are fun [11/30/16, 12:09:22 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: On 11/30/16, at 12:06 AM, nicholas [ johto host ] wrote: > (sun) [11/30/16, 12:09:27 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: On 11/30/16, at 12:06 AM, nicholas [ johto host ] wrote: > (sun) [11/30/16, 12:22:18 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BTW [11/30/16, 12:23:17 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: HAPPY (sun) B (sun) I (sun) R (sun) T (sun) H (sun) D (sun) A (sun) Y (sun) [11/30/16, 12:24:29 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: (sun) H (sun) A (sun) P (sun) P (sun) Y     (sun) B (sun) I (sun) R (sun) T (sun) H (sun) D (sun) A (sun) Y (sun) [11/30/16, 12:39:44 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: tysm (mooning) [11/30/16, 1:31:37 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: FUCK HAPPY BELATED BITCHDAY <3 [11/30/16, 1:43:58 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: its not belated, its still today [11/30/16, 1:44:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: but tysm [11/30/16, 5:27:52 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: sorry couldn't do a video nomination bc I just remembered to nominate bc I lost track of time so im just gonna type it real quick [11/30/16, 5:28:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: omg its ok [11/30/16, 5:28:19 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ill do a video dr eventually [11/30/16, 5:28:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: anyways imma type that now [11/30/16, 5:28:28 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: omg whew i love it [11/30/16, 5:32:10 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I have decided to nominate Carson and Ruthie. Unfortunately, I only have so many options to choose from so I had to go with the people that I have talked the least with thus far. Both of you are not around much and don't contribute to the calls or the chat as much as some of the other house guests do. I would rather play a game with people who are fairly active than those that only come in once in a blue moon. You both have 2 chances to save yourselves so I think that's pretty good odds. I would wish you both luck in BOTB but I wouldn't really mean that because I want to stay HOH. Soooo oo https://i.gyazo.com/768ae410ddc626658372b9c35fc96f19.gif [11/30/16, 5:34:17 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: thanks (sun) [11/30/16, 8:08:04 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 11/30/16, at 8:07 PM, Ruthie ❤ wrote: > Yeah, I don’t remember what I said either, don’t feel bad guys. <3 sure you don't .... GLEE [11/30/16, 8:08:46 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [11/30/16, 8:52:49 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NOMINATIONS & BOTB RESULTS? (Sun) [12/1/16, 5:55:31 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Aly - 5 Ari - 17 Bridgette - 22 Carson - 16 Christian - 5 Connor - 6 Jacob - 4 Jay - 7 Julia - 1 Justin - 12 Kaitlyn - 9 Kaleigh - 19 Matthias - 13 Mike - 8 Randy - 14 Rhea - 10 Ruthie - 20 Slade - 11 [12/1/16, 5:55:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: THESE ARE ALL WRONG BUT HERE U GO [12/1/16, 5:56:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: thanks (sun) hope ya had a good birthday! [12/1/16, 8:15:23 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RHEA WINNING DPOV? (Sun) [12/1/16, 8:26:41 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: can she choke [12/2/16, 8:08:22 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 12/2/16, at 8:07 PM, Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wrote: > she's annoying to be with in games bc she either doesn't do anything or when she wins she's like "i don't know where ____ stands and it's scary so I have to do this" :/// like no you don't, stop signing up for games if you're going to do the same shit in all of them which is nothing [12/2/16, 8:08:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: this needed to be here [12/2/16, 8:08:31 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: bc I really don't like rhea lmao [12/2/16, 8:10:13 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i love receipts [12/2/16, 8:21:25 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: literally rhea could have got near the end if she didnt win anything bc everyone forgot about her until this week idafjkldj [12/3/16, 7:33:01 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: in the event that someone doesn’t vote pls send in a tiebreaker vote! [12/3/16, 7:33:13 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: bye carson [12/3/16, 7:33:15 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me [12/3/16, 11:20:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: mike probably voted out ari because he's an idiot, idc if she was leaving anyway, like why are you being a snake to your own team? also I love how bad Kaleigh is at these games, voting out Bridgette bc she personally didnt want to deal with her. well bitch neither did I but I still kept her because now we're out numbered!!!! [12/3/16, 11:52:09 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: watches the good team turn against slade (: [12/4/16, 8:05:46 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MIKE AND SLADE WINNING HOH? (sun) [12/4/16, 8:11:15 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: fuck OFF [12/4/16, 8:11:26 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: :O [12/4/16, 8:12:29 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: :O [12/4/16, 8:20:52 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I hate mike so much [12/4/16, 9:01:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: slade: i'm gonna win hoh and make an ICONIC speech slade: wins HOH slade: ok evil team, send me in who you would nominate and do my noms for me (: [12/4/16, 9:01:08 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/464/14608107_1180665285312703_1558693314_n.jpg [12/4/16, 9:01:38 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [12/5/16, 7:47:50 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RUTHIE & ALY WINNING BATTLE OF THE BLOCK AND SLADE REMAINING HOH? (sun) [12/6/16, 8:14:27 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CARSON WINNING DPOV? (sun) [12/6/16, 8:14:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I hate this game [12/6/16, 8:15:07 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: me too [12/7/16, 8:46:18 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I will gladly vote to evict the person with the ugliest personality, mike! [12/7/16, 9:23:03 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: don’t 4get ur goodbye messages!! [12/7/16, 11:04:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: mike: goodbye and thank god [12/7/16, 11:06:25 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [12/7/16, 11:11:26 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: is it obvious when I don't like someone or ? :/ [12/7/16, 11:11:40 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i think you are pretty discrete [12/7/16, 11:11:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: thank you, I really try :/ [12/7/16, 11:13:05 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me: is it obvious when I don't like someone... also my dr from a couple days ago: [12/7/16, 11:13:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 12/4/16, at 8:20 PM, Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ wrote: > I hate mike so much [12/8/16, 9:38:34 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/dh57pi [12/8/16, 9:38:36 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me [12/8/16, 9:38:47 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: FJISDJFK [12/9/16, 7:45:58 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prnt.sc/dh4psh http://prnt.sc/dh65ro http://prnt.sc/dhi87h http://prnt.sc/dhibr3 http://prnt.sc/dhid90 [12/9/16, 7:46:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I played each of these like twice [12/9/16, 7:46:08 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: except one of them I only played oncex [12/9/16, 7:46:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: a look [12/9/16, 7:46:11 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: thanks!! [12/9/16, 11:24:36 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT KALEIGH AND JUSTIN WINNING HOH? (sun) [12/10/16, 6:51:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Good my strategy of sitting on my hands is working [12/11/16, 12:46:12 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SLADE WINNING DPOV? (Sun) [12/11/16, 1:15:20 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: vl dr: hm everyone got something to hide? http://prntscr.com/dhyoll [12/11/16, 1:15:40 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [12/13/16, 6:54:21 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Interestingly enough, I'm trying to figure out how long I should do the hoh for so it looks like I tried but not that I'm throwing it. Because I am throwing it. [12/13/16, 6:55:24 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I think ill do it for an hour after I wake up bc someone with the patience and who hates themselves a little more than I do is definitely gonna go for at least 2-3 hours. [12/13/16, 6:56:07 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: iconic [12/13/16, 5:00:33 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: is the first hour like every minute [12/13/16, 6:19:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im just- not going to do hoh [12/13/16, 6:19:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im not even gonna make an excuse im just - not gonna [12/13/16, 6:44:12 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: fuck , okay me [12/13/16, 6:45:57 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i wanted to make it a believable throw but i'm just so lazy and I've been on my deathbed the last 2 days so im just not feeling it [12/13/16, 6:46:12 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: it's fine <3 [12/13/16, 7:17:49 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: hope u feel better!!! [12/13/16, 7:20:29 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: thanks, I hope I die [12/13/16, 8:16:41 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JULIA WINNING THE DOUBLE EVICTION HOH? (Sun) [12/13/16, 8:17:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: it's better than carson and rhea so good for her and if she evicts me i'm bloccccking her [12/14/16, 4:26:17 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I could already tell Julia wanted to nominate me and like wtf I wouldn't nominate her but ok [12/14/16, 1:06:32 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: it's better than carson and rhea so good for her and if she evicts me i'm bloccccking her

me when nicholas evicted me in Skypebb3 [12/14/16, 4:44:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 12/14/16, at 2:27 PM, julia rae [eggplant host] wrote: > okay hi so I'm going to nominate you looks like i'm blocking her [12/14/16, 4:45:25 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: On 12/14/16, at 2:27 PM, julia rae [eggplant host] wrote: > if I win pov I'm going to use it on you. then..... why nominate me...... I- [12/14/16, 5:19:27 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) THE POV GAME HAS BEEN CHANGED TO http://emulator.online/gameboy/pokemon-firered-version/ SINCE THE OLD ONE DOESNT LET YOU SHOW YOUR POKEDEX SCORE (sun) [12/14/16, 6:00:02 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/djj9bv [12/14/16, 6:28:05 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: THIS GAME DOESNT WO rk [12/14/16, 6:28:47 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: wtf [12/14/16, 6:28:49 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: sDFMKSDFM [12/14/16, 6:28:52 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: I’m about to take a final [12/14/16, 6:28:53 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I SAVED AND I HAD TO REFRESH THE PAGE BC IT WAS BEING GLITCHY AND KEPT REPEATING THE SAME DIALOGUE ANDC WOULDNT STOP AND IDK HOW TO GET IT BACK [12/14/16, 6:28:57 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: then I’m going to come back [12/14/16, 6:29:01 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: and figure the game out [12/14/16, 6:29:02 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: lskdmflksdf [12/14/16, 6:29:06 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ill be dead by then [12/14/16, 6:29:08 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: bc im gonna die [12/14/16, 6:29:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: last season no one had issues with it djksfn [12/14/16, 11:45:57 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me @ Julia http://prnt.sc/djk1u6 [12/14/16, 11:46:13 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [12/14/16, 11:46:23 PM] veronica [ johto host ]: kdfsald [12/15/16, 6:43:04 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: this is the most laggy shit I fucking hate this [12/15/16, 7:49:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: as soon as I beat misty im turning this in, im on her now but its gonna take ten years bc my only good pokemon is a fire type and she has water so [12/15/16, 7:51:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: legend! [12/15/16, 7:55:43 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok I didnt beat her but I at least got to see all her pokemon before I died [12/15/16, 7:55:44 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/djzkrz [12/15/16, 7:56:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i think i did good for this being a glitchy ass game and i literally know nothing about pokemon [12/15/16, 8:15:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JULIA WINNING POV? (sun) [12/15/16, 8:15:22 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: VL DR: how was I seen as a comp threat in sbb3 but I was literally just 1 of 2 people who submitted and I still didn't win?????? [12/15/16, 8:15:56 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: fuck [12/15/16, 8:30:28 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: I’m gonna evict u so u can beat michael in the buyback xDDDDD [12/15/16, 8:30:43 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: sTOP THIS [12/15/16, 8:31:15 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im being BULLIED [12/15/16, 8:35:18 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: B) [12/15/16, 9:56:47 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: I’m gonna evict u so u can beat michael in the buyback xDDDDD

uwu [12/17/16, 7:17:28 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: um so [12/17/16, 7:17:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i'm voting to save Matthias [12/17/16, 7:25:13 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Nicholas wtf you ignore my DRs . . . ..  .. . [12/17/16, 7:34:35 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) dont forget to send in goodbye messages! (sun) [12/17/16, 7:34:49 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: no fuck you [12/17/16, 7:36:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: aly: I never spoke to you before and I'm pretty sure you voted me out that one time so.... randy: I was honestly going back and forth until last minute and you tried walking so im sorry Matthias: I- I don't know [12/17/16, 8:32:38 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me on call: I really hate Nicolas hosts after adding him as a guest: http://prnt.sc/djk1u6 [12/17/16, 8:33:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ME [12/18/16, 12:47:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok can I reuse the examples or nah (: (: (: [12/18/16, 12:49:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i'm going to send what items I find when I find them bc im not opening a word doc bc every time I do for a comp my computer shuts down on it's own and I lose everything (: (: (: [12/18/16, 12:50:23 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/blanket [12/18/16, 12:50:47 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/bathingsuit [12/18/16, 12:51:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/suitcase [12/18/16, 12:51:51 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok slay [12/18/16, 12:52:36 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/snacks [12/18/16, 12:53:00 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/money [12/18/16, 12:53:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/passport [12/18/16, 12:55:02 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/fannypack [12/18/16, 12:55:10 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: fanny pack would be an item [12/18/16, 12:55:35 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/sunscreen [12/18/16, 12:57:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/sunglasses [12/18/16, 12:57:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/camera [12/18/16, 12:58:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/umbrella [12/18/16, 12:58:48 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/toothbrush [12/18/16, 12:59:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/toothpaste [12/18/16, 12:59:23 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/shampoo [12/18/16, 1:00:09 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: who tf doesn't take conditioner with them on a trip i need to know [12/18/16, 1:00:10 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/towels [12/18/16, 1:00:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: or SOAP??? yall SMELL [12/18/16, 1:00:45 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: um hotels provide soAP BYE [12/18/16, 1:01:04 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: that cheap ass soap that smells like B.O anyway? no thanks [12/18/16, 1:01:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/razor [12/18/16, 1:01:46 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: yall redeemed yourself with razor [12/18/16, 1:01:54 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: good. [12/18/16, 1:02:06 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/phone [12/18/16, 1:02:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/charger [12/18/16, 1:02:33 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/laptop [12/18/16, 1:02:59 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/underwear [12/18/16, 1:03:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/pants [12/18/16, 1:03:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: oh we don't need shirts ig [12/18/16, 1:06:55 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/chapstick [12/18/16, 1:08:18 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/handsanitizer [12/18/16, 1:09:26 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im offended wine isn't an item [12/18/16, 1:09:40 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: WHAT [12/18/16, 1:09:43 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: FUCK [12/18/16, 1:09:45 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: NOOO [12/18/16, 1:10:13 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I truly thought, it would be there [12/18/16, 1:10:23 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/backpack [12/18/16, 1:10:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/headphones [12/18/16, 1:14:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/eyemask [12/18/16, 1:15:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/earplugs [12/18/16, 1:15:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/books [12/18/16, 1:16:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/map [12/18/16, 1:18:26 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/glasses [12/18/16, 1:19:13 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/socks [12/18/16, 1:20:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/sweater [12/18/16, 1:20:36 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/pajamas [12/18/16, 1:21:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/hairbrush [12/18/16, 1:22:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: yall really aint gonna take deodorant [12/18/16, 1:22:33 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/makeup [12/18/16, 1:22:49 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/perfume [12/18/16, 1:23:04 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/cologne [12/18/16, 1:24:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/lotion [12/18/16, 1:24:17 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again [12/18/16, 1:24:54 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/nailclippers [12/18/16, 1:25:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/hairdryer [12/18/16, 1:26:29 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/advil [12/18/16, 1:26:44 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/gum [12/18/16, 1:29:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/flipflops [12/18/16, 1:30:13 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/flashlight [12/18/16, 1:34:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/license [12/18/16, 1:34:44 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I should have been counting how many I've been finding [12/18/16, 1:35:22 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: 45 I think ok [12/18/16, 1:35:53 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im taking a break and going to shower ok [12/18/16, 1:47:48 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: u have 47 [12/18/16, 1:54:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Good thing this isn't a math competition [12/18/16, 2:40:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/keys [12/18/16, 2:48:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/shavingcream [12/18/16, 2:49:12 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://bigbrotherjohto.tumblr.com/bandaids [12/18/16, 2:55:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I cant find any more so im assuming 50 is the limit but um [12/18/16, 4:43:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: oh um here's the tiebreaker before I forget: 380 (we were supposed to guess how many total everyone got together right?) [12/18/16, 4:45:09 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: wait I think I did the math wrong [12/18/16, 4:45:17 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: im bad [12/18/16, 4:45:53 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yes u guess the combined total [12/18/16, 4:46:03 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: and u can change ur guess as many times as u want [12/18/16, 4:46:45 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok bc I need to get a calculator I only do math when I need to figure out how much money I can spend on wine so I have enough for bills [12/18/16, 4:47:14 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: omg fuck [12/18/16, 4:47:27 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i cant wait to start budgeting for wine when i turn 21 :’) [12/18/16, 4:48:11 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: it's gotten to the point that I don't get carded anymore [12/18/16, 4:49:04 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: oh my god [12/18/16, 4:49:35 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: it's also like that at a few bars that I frequent and i [12/18/16, 4:49:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: it's really sad [12/18/16, 4:50:54 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok well as long as its bc u frequent [12/18/16, 4:51:28 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I mean some places just don't card, like when I go to events sometimes they wont card me and I get insulted [12/18/16, 4:54:46 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: ok me in a month i just want to turn 21 then stop [12/18/16, 5:10:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: when I turned 21 I had already been drinking for a couple years so I just sat with a friend and had some beer and watched the walking dead finale [12/18/16, 5:24:26 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: omg yeah i am scared drinking is going to become less fun [12/18/16, 5:33:25 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I still enjoy it but I have to be more careful bc now it makes me sick [12/18/16, 6:06:02 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: actually im gonna change my guess to like 300. Im giving everyone the benefit of the doubt that they were going to do better than they probably are [12/18/16, 6:06:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I seriously think the limit is 50 bc like I am a packing fiend when I go places so I know exactly what to pack and I searched evertyhing [12/18/16, 6:12:46 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: whew ok [12/18/16, 10:09:06 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CONNOR WINNING HOH? (Sun) [12/19/16, 9:33:03 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: um he's probably gonna go after rhea so i'm fine with it ig, as long as it aint me idgaf [12/21/16, 12:52:09 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL GOING INTO THE VETO CEREMONY? (Sun) [12/21/16, 6:35:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: regardless rhea is probably leaving which is a shame because I just started talking to her and she's nice but um game wise i'm fine with it [12/22/16, 4:59:34 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: sigh [12/22/16, 4:59:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I vote to evict Rhea [12/22/16, 5:01:07 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: goodbye messages: Rhea: Wish we would have talked sooner in the game. Justin: Honestly if you're seeing this I'm questioning this house's sanity. [12/22/16, 5:26:06 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: tysm [12/22/16, 10:03:42 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: why does Julia always align with the boring people [12/22/16, 10:04:42 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: wow i cant believe in a really roundabout way you just complimented me B) [12/22/16, 10:05:23 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I- [12/22/16, 10:05:42 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: bc i went after her in sbb3 [12/22/16, 10:05:45 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: anyways [12/22/16, 10:05:50 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: hola [12/22/16, 10:06:15 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: hi [12/23/16, 8:56:53 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: this isn't my final submission I just need a place to store this link http://prnt.sc/dmwf7g [12/23/16, 9:43:21 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: so I heard that somehow it's possible to gget a perfedct score on this and I????? [12/23/16, 10:06:10 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) [12/23/16, 10:20:24 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: stfu [12/23/16, 10:20:49 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok I got a better score so im storing that one here now http://prntscr.com/dn2v8m [12/23/16, 9:20:06 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT JACOB WINNING HOH & THE COLOR OF VETO THIS WEEK? (sun) [12/23/16, 9:29:51 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: all I know is that if I see that sun emoji one more time imma shove it down your THROAT [12/23/16, 9:36:26 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: :( [12/23/16, 10:07:47 PM] Aspen Adams [Pokemon|Dreamworld Host]: (sun) [12/23/16, 10:07:52 PM] Aspen Adams [Pokemon|Dreamworld Host]: <3 [12/23/16, 10:11:22 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: well now im gonna have to shove the sun emoji down Nicholas's throat [12/23/16, 10:11:39 PM] Aspen Adams [Pokemon|Dreamworld Host]: early christmas gift for me <3 [12/23/16, 10:13:44 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: pls do kaitlyn [12/24/16, 9:10:27 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me: messages Jacob early this morning and tells him I'm alone in the game and would be fine to vote however he wanted Jacob: I haven't talked to you so I don't know where you stand ://///

yeah bitch you didnt respond, any wonder you don't know [12/24/16, 9:10:36 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I'd be going off if he didn't say I was a pawn [12/26/16, 6:55:13 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I MAY BE DRUNK BUT ILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT IS SAID [12/26/16, 6:55:48 AM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: me [12/26/16, 6:59:31 AM] veronica [ johto host ]: FUCK [12/26/16, 10:43:23 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) AS A FINAL NOMINEE, YOU MAY MAKE ONE FINAL PLEA AT THE LIVE EVICTION TONIGHT. TONIGHT THE EVICTION WILL BE OVER TEXT IN THE MAIN CHAT AT 8PM EST SO IF YOU’D LIKE YOU MAY SUBMIT A TEXT SPEECH! GOOD LUCK! (sun) [12/26/16, 10:43:35 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: also i know ur going through a lot so don’t worry about doing it [12/26/16, 11:57:44 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE EVICTION & WHAT IS YOUR PLAN MOVING FORWARD? (Sun) [12/27/16, 10:57:08 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: http://prntscr.com/doi2sc [12/27/16, 10:57:19 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I literally was in the top 10 for so long [12/27/16, 11:26:24 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) [12/27/16, 11:50:41 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I also like how in every screenshot I send in I literally have a million tabs open and somehow theyre usually all youtube??? [12/27/16, 11:56:32 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: wow i expected some demi lovato [12/27/16, 11:56:55 AM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: that's why Spotify is opened [12/27/16, 11:58:38 AM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: a+ [12/27/16, 9:02:10 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RHEA WINNING HOH & THE PLATINUM POV? (Sun) [12/27/16, 9:05:56 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: fuck right off [12/27/16, 9:06:12 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: On 12/27/16, at 11:26 AM, nicholas [ johto|dw3 host ] wrote: > (sun) [12/27/16, 9:06:20 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: no [12/27/16, 9:06:24 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ has left the conversation [12/27/16, 9:07:07 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host] added Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to this conversation [12/27/16, 9:07:10 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: not so fast! [12/27/16, 9:07:20 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: free me [12/27/16, 9:07:29 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: no [12/27/16, 9:07:31 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: pls mommy [12/27/16, 9:07:56 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: end my suffering [12/28/16, 5:30:25 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: why wont anyone in this fucking game fight me [12/28/16, 7:54:43 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: bc you're scary [12/28/16, 7:59:30 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i'm not even scary, they're just babies [12/28/16, 8:01:41 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: Round 1: I shoot Jacob Round 2: I shoot Carson Round 3: I shoot the air Round 4: I shoot Julia Round 5: I shoot myself Round 6: I shoot Ruthie Round 7: I shoot Jacob Round 8: I shoot Jacob Round 9: I shoot Kaleigh Round 10: I shoot my damn self [12/28/16, 8:01:45 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: wait not done ok [12/28/16, 8:12:21 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I was just thinking, what if like say I make it to round 4 but Julia is out before round 4, what would you use for the round since who I was shooting at is out [12/28/16, 8:13:22 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: i'd use your round 5 [12/28/16, 8:14:37 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: ok, not that I expect to make it that far bc im just shooting everyone [12/28/16, 9:08:03 PM] Crackdt Ass Elijah [BBJohto Host]: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT RUTHIE WINNING POV? [12/28/16, 9:09:39 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: me campaigning to ruthie to use it on me [12/28/16, 9:09:40 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee925OTFBCA [12/29/16, 4:01:39 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: (sun) AS A FINAL NOMINEE, YOU MAY MAKE ONE FINAL PLEA AT THE LIVE EVICTION TONIGHT. TONIGHT THE EVICTION WILL BE OVER CALL IN THE MAIN CHAT AT 8PM EST! IF YOU CANNOT BE THERE, FEEL FREE TO SEND IN A SPEECH! GOOD LUCK! (sun) [12/29/16, 5:10:15 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I have a lot to say so let's go! I don't know whether I'm staying or not, nor do I care. I'm sure y'all know why I couldn't be around, this week in particular, and if that's the reason any of you decide to vote me out/why I'm nominated then you're a piece of shit. I swear, if I see one goodbye message saying that's why I'm just going to assume you're a piece of shit. Anyway, this game has been one of the most boring games I've been apart of, and I've been apart of a lot of games. It had nothing to do with the hosts but everything to do with the house guests. I can't even shit on anyone's game play because there hasn't been any. No one is doing anything spicy. Like you're all nice and shit, but goddamn y'all are boring me to tears. Anyway, I don't have the energy to campaign for myself this week nor do I want to. Whether I stay or go isn't going to make a difference, but if I do go for the LOVE OF GOD DO SOMETHING IN THIS FUCKING GAME. And if I do stay then I'll try to make things spicy, although I'm not sure anyone could handle anything that isn't as bland as white fucking rice at this point. [12/29/16, 5:14:15 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: tysm [12/29/16, 5:14:19 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: good luck!! [12/29/16, 5:14:32 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: tysm [12/29/16, 5:14:56 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: you: send in a final plea me in my plea: I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNY HOW- [12/29/16, 7:06:01 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: add at the end of my long ass paragraph: side note, ily all but in this game y'all boring as hell. [12/29/16, 7:06:28 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: yes [12/29/16, 7:06:36 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: I felt I was too mean in my paragraph and I've been in a bad mood so (>'.')> [12/29/16, 7:06:59 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: <‘(.’)< [12/29/16, 7:07:01 PM] nicholas [sbbott|dw3 host]: oops [12/29/16, 7:07:03 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: almost [1/9/17, 4:51:02 PM] Kaitlyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯: i need to make a quick statement about my experience in the jury house thus far....... this is the most annoying jury I have ever been apart of