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ipsen · 10 months

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THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!! VERY EXCITED AND THANKS ALL FOR READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read on AO3. content warning: sexual content Summary: The world keeps changing. Word Count: 6536 Chapter 19 Master Post

“After nearly a decade of victims, the Torso— revealed to be longtime taxi driver Karao Saeki— is dead. His body was found in a river in the 17th ward, stabbed to death by an unknown assailant with his eyes pried out of his skull. The Washuu Task Force is unable to determine anything else at the time of reporting.

“In addition, tapes of Saeki communicating with Kousei Kaiko, CEO of Kaiko Industries, have surfaced from a raid of his home. The details will have to wait, however, as sorting out the relevant tapes will take some time, or so claims Koutarou Amon, a lawyer and one of the survivors of the Priest’s orphanage.

“In other news, Sen Takatsuki is holding a press conference today to announce her new work: a graphic novel in collaboration with an unknown artist…”

———

“Listen, Sauce,” Hide stared at Haise from the living room, “I think the suit is more than enough.”

“I-I know!” Haise was still in the bathroom, his hands full of gel and his gaze boring a hole into their mirror. “I just— I should make an effort for this! It’s a press conference for the book— er, comic— no, I mean—!” He sighed. “You know what I mean; it’s important!”

“If you say so!” Hide put up his hands in defense. “Frankly, you look ridiculous, but that’s just me.”

“Hina did this for me for Red Tongues! I-It works!”

“Cool! Still ridiculous.”

Touka’s laugh rang from the pantry.

“T-Touka!”

A month had passed since the incident with the Torso, making it December. After another week’s worth of recovery, Haise was discharged from Taiwa, and he and Sen finally finished their work: The Folly of the Hierophants. Sen asked him multiple times if it was too on the nose, but he reminded her that people don’t know about V like she did.

To kick things off, Shiono and Shoeisha arranged a press conference for the day. It would be Haise and Sen’s first public appearance together, so they had to make it count. At least, that’s what Haise thought of the whole thing.

Not only that, but the news of Kaiko Industries’ possible connection to the Torso was being spread like wildfire; once the story hit the shelves, it was going to fan those flames.

“That’s the idea, at least,” Sen had told him. “But you know the public; a little too stupid for their own good. There’s a brilliant mind among them every now and then, sure, but plucking them out from the masses is always troublesome.” He remembered her looking him up and down then. “Sometimes, though, it’s worth it.”

The memory made him shiver, but it also reinforced his resolve. He had to make sure he was presentable for her sake.

After ten more minutes, he shut the bathroom door, making some minor adjustments to his hair, which he had slicked back. To accompany it, he was wearing a simple black suit and matching tie— the only ‘fancy’ thing in his possession. Hopefully, it would be enough.

Touka peeked out from the kitchen, a peeled banana in her hand. “Wow,” she whistled. “Not bad.”

“Meh,” Hide said. “I still think the hair’s too much. None of that signature Sauce floof, y’know?”

She smacked him lightly on the head. “I think the effort will be appreciated.”

“Thank you, Touka,” Haise said, nodding at her in approval. “I think so, too.”

“Gasp! Is our boy being sassy with me?” Hide’s mouth hung open, a hand on his chest. “You hang out with that Sen girl too much, young man! Respect your roommate!”

Haise laughed. “Sorry, sorry… Maybe it’s the nerves.”

“Oh, yeah; this thing’s gonna be on TV, huh?” Hide fetched the remote. “When was it, again?”

“This afternoon, but you don’t have to watch it; Chie must have something for you to do, especially with the other news that’s been going on.”

The two of them, as its collectors, were also overseeing its distribution with Tatara and the rest of Chì Shé, which was apparently more than a theater company.

Hide waved him off. “She wants a bit of a challenge, at least for today.”

It was weird to Haise that Hide was part of an underground effort to collect information on V. Though, given Chie’s ‘job’, it wasn't exactly weird, but the fact that Hide had worked in close contact with Sen right under Haise’s nose was baffling. He had discovered a side of his best friend that he would have never found out about thanks to— wait a second.

“Hide, did you know about Sen’s connection to…” he gestured vaguely— “everything when you signed me up for my job?”

His roommate looked over, confused. “What?”

Touka rolled her eyes. “C’mon, don’t be stupid. If you two were working together on V stuff, then wouldn’t that mean you knew each other?”

“Oh, that? No, we were working anonymously through Chie,” he explained. “Very sensitive information, y’know, and remember the part where I travel the world? Don’t want people knowing my face or name, right? We actually only figured each other out because I signed you up!”

Touka snickered. “So it was sheer dumb luck?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Hide shook his head. “I’m never gonna live this down, am I?”

“That’s right.” She ruffled his hair with a smirk. “Looks like Mr. Nagachika’s finally cracked, Sasaki.”

Hide opened his mouth to retort, but stopped when he saw Haise smiling. “Don’t do me like this, man.”

“Sorry, sorry…” Haise waved his hand about in a poor attempt at stifling laughter. “It’s just nice to know that even you’re human, Hide.”

“Uh, duh? I am extremely human! I have the proper circuit boards and everything!”

Haise laughed again, then headed for the door. “I gotta go now before I’m late. See you later!”

“I’m still right about the hair, by the way!” Hide called just before the door shut.

—

After a few ID check-ins with some vaguely familiar guards, Haise found his way into the back room of the building the conference was held at. Sen was waiting for him there, and she was beautiful. She wore a black turtleneck shirt, a blue flared skirt with gold patterning near the hem below her knees, and a cardigan faintly patterned with tiger lilies. Her hair was bound in a single ponytail gathered on one of her shoulders.

“Well, well, well; someone’s dressed up,” she commented upon seeing him arrive.

Haise rubbed his neck. “I-It is a conference, right?” He showed himself off a bit, albeit hesitantly. “Do you… like it?”

“Hm…”

She came up to him and studied him. Her eyes roamed his body, and at some points, he wondered if she was mentally undressing him. He didn’t mind the idea, and was rather used to it now, but he still swallowed while she adjusted his tie and brushed his shoulder. She smelled good, he idly noted, but that was always true.

“And lastly—” she reached up and roughly messed with his hair, ruining a half-hour’s worth of work — “there! Perfect.”

“H-Hey, I worked hard on that…!” he protested, even though he was laughing.

“You don’t have the face for it, sadly.” Sen shrugged and smiled. “I prefer you like this: all wild and messy.”

His spiteful side wanted to punch Hide the next time he saw him.

“Well, in that case—” Haise took her hair tie, making her breath hitch, and gently pulled it off— “that makes two of us.”

Her hair spilled over her shoulders, and she instantly turned scarlet. Recovering quickly, though, she pushed him with a chuckle.

Just then, Shiono appeared from the front. “Oh, Sasaki! Great timing; they just finished getting ready. You can come up whenever you’re ready.”

She fanned out her freshly loosened hair. “Oh, joy… Ready, Haise?”

He felt his stomach churn at the reminder of reality. “Not really, no…”

“Oh, hush— you’ll be fine.” She linked their arms together to reassure him. It worked… sort of. “Smile at the cameras, speak only when spoken to, and try to look straight ahead as much as you can, ‘kay?”

He nodded stiffly. “O-Okay…”

Even with those instructions, the flash of a camera as soon as they stepped out nearly blindsided him. Meanwhile, Sen smiled with familiar grace and practiced ease at the small crowd. He tried to copy her by waving himself, even though he was mostly squinting at the lights that were already beginning to hurt his eyes. He wished his glasses offered protection; this was gonna get bad fast.

There was nowhere to sit, which he expected, but Haise’s stomach sank to the floor when he thought of how long this might take. Combined with the sheer amount of people here, he was cruelly reminded that he was, in fact, dating a celebrity.

Sen took her spot at half of the mics on the table, while he positioned himself next to her at the other half, hands clasped behind his back. Hopefully, he didn’t look ridiculous, though the mere thought of that probably made it true. It was also kinda hot in here; was anyone else hot?

“Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting so many of you,” Sen said once it was silent, chuckling fakely. It snapped him back to attention. “The last time I saw nearly as many was for the announcement of The Black Goat’s Egg!”

Haise actually recalled the event. He had skipped class that day to watch it on TV, since it was in the middle of the day, once Hide assured him a hundred times that he’d get Haise the required notes and papers. Sen had dressed up far more fancily for that than this one, and now that he actually knew her (in more ways than one), he felt that she’d done herself a disservice.

A few more pictures were snapped, and he swore most of them were of him. It made sense, in a way; he was a novelty, or maybe an anomaly, in Sen’s otherwise lone wolf career.

That said, neither her clothes from that day nor the cameras were his main concern. His main concern was, still, the length of the previous presentation. As an avid reader, he hadn’t minded and wanted to pick her mind apart until it was laid out before him in all its glory, but now that he was standing with her as her equal, he found himself dreading the next two hours of his life. And that wasn’t even factoring in the fact this was televised.

“Well, before we get into questions—” Sen’s voice brought Haise back down to earth, as always— “I’d like to say a few words about the creation of this book.

“Firstly, I apologize to anyone willing to read my scribbles for the wait. Once The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin released, I found that my next idea simply wasn’t taking the form I wanted it to. All of the ideas were there, but the moment they left my mind, it turned into garbage, even by my standards!”

A smile and even a few laughs rumbled through the crowd. She was so good at this, Haise thought while playing with the cuff of his jacket. Maybe he wouldn’t have to do anything but stand here, but that also made him feel bad. It also sounded a little tedious.

“A week became a month and a month became a year, yet the page was still blank. And so, my editor, Shiono, suggested I try to turn it into a graphic novel. He said the new format might be inspiring. And so, after much searching, I chose this one: Haise Sasaki!”

At his name, he visibly coughed and tried his best to smile and bow. “H-Hello! I’m… I’m Haise Sasaki, and it’s… it’s such an honor to work with S— Ms. Takatsuki on her first graphic novel!”

It was probably best that he left out the fact that this was also his first graphic novel, and his first officially published work.

Sen, however, had other plans. “I wanted someone with as little experience as me with this sort of thing, but I also wanted someone who was very familiar with the style of my written works. I was very lucky that Haise here—” he flinched when she aggressively pronounced his first name, to the point that he had to adjust his glasses— “checked both boxes and more! He was able to color the canvas where I couldn’t, and the result will be released with the new year.”

She smiled at him, and he caught the familiar glint of affection in her eyes. He returned it with his own, like it was their little secret.

“Now, let’s get to questions.”

The first question was for Sen, and it was probably the most obvious one. “Ms. Takatsuki, what was your source of inspiration for this story?”

“Oh, the usual,” she replied with a knowing smile. “I’ll just say that it’s surprising what you find when you go where people don’t want you to go. I encourage you all to do the same. Experience life and adventure, then maybe you might find what you’re looking for.”

The second one was also for Sen. “Ms. Takatsuki, what were some of the unique challenges presented to you with the graphic novel format?”

The third one? “Ms. Takatsuki—” Yep. Sen.

“Ms. Takatsuki…”

“Ms. Takatsuki!”

For the next hour or so, Sen was pestered over and over by interviewers who were more content with treading familiar ground than taking a chance with a picturesque newbie. Though Haise was partially relieved that there wasn’t much attention on himself, there was a rare instance of irritation welling within him for Sen’s sake, and the way her fake smile widened with each new, more boring question told him she felt the same way. They were supposed to be partners— equals— yet no one was treating them as such.

And then— “Mr. Sasaki?”

He nearly jumped out of his skin. “Y-Yeah?! Er, sorry!” He cleared his throat, suffering some laughs. “Yes?”

This interviewer was younger, and looked a bit more timid than the others. Still, they were the first to take a chance on him. “Could you… Could you tell us what it’s like working with Ms. Takatsuki?”

The silence weighed heavy while the world waited for his answer. “W-Well…”

Sen was looking at him too, with that glimmering, curious gaze of hers. He felt his mouth go dry at the sight.

“Ms. Takatsuki is…”

What could he say that wouldn’t embarrass her? Public opinion wasn’t anything like talking to Hide or Touka; he couldn’t exactly be honest about the whole thing without raising some brows. Then again, this work was going to help connect the families of V to the likes of Donato and Saeki, so really, what was he even worried about?

“She’s amazing,” he said with full sincerity. “And I think you’ll enjoy what we’ve created together.”

Some time was taken for everyone to jot down his answer, and he wondered if he had been too brief. He also felt Sen’s eyes on him, but from the corner of his gaze, he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. He did, however, manage to catch her eye twitch when the next person stood, and begged for her attention. She must have thought her reprieve would last longer.

“Yes?” There was a slight sharpness to her voice.

“What are your thoughts on the ongoing investigation of Kaiko Industries and the Torso?”

A new type of silence settled in: anticipation. What did Sen Takatsuki think about the whole thing? Considering the messages and discussions around her work, it was just the type of thing she wrote and advocated for. Would she continue the pattern?

Some of the audience, particularly the older individuals, looked perturbed by the question. Perhaps they were people who disliked attaching real life events and politics to Sen’s works, who disliked the very idea of entwining the horrors of reality with the reliefs provided by fiction. Haise couldn’t understand that perspective. Art was influenced by real life, was it not? Stories about crime and punishment, corruption and exposure— were those not inherently political? It was like those people wished to drain the story of all life by ignoring its very real connotations.

He looked at her now, and saw she was smiling knowingly.

“They’ll get what they deserve,” she said simply.

—

“Agh, I wish I could’ve said more!!” Sen, sitting in the passenger’s seat of Shiono’s car, complained.

The conference concluded without a hitch. After questions, Haise and Sen were asked for extra photos, and they revealed the title of the book as well. Shiono was driving them out now, helping them keep a low profile.

Haise, seated at the back of the car, tilted his head. “Why didn’t you?”

“I like writing, that’s all.” He heard the smile in her voice. “It’d be a waste to face an inconvenience with ‘controversy’.”

“You’re such a sap, Sen,” Shiono commented, chuckling.

“Oh, can it.” But she laughed anyway. “Maybe I am, so what?”

“Well, I think it’s charming. Right, Sasaki?”

She shot Haise a playful glare. “Don’t you start.”

He shrugged. “I thought you preferred the truth, Sen.”

Puffing up her cheeks, she reached over the seat to poke him, and he prepared to defend himself, laughing all the while. However, she couldn’t reach, so she just sank back into her seat and huffed.

“You two are unbelievable,” she muttered.

Shiono cackled. “We just get you, kiddo, and you hate it!”

Haise smiled. They did, didn’t they? Not only that, she believed them too. Shiono was understandable; he was her father, and he’d had nothing but a positive impact on her life. Haise was a bit more surprising, looking back. Seven short months, and now Sen Takatsuki trusted him completely? It felt like a dream.

Then again, he recognized himself in her words, and she recognized herself in his art. They were mirrors, two sides of the same coin; it would be weirder if they didn’t understand each other. Maybe it was that fact that pushed her to hire him in the first place.

Shiono and Sen had begun a new conversation, steered more toward the intricacies of marketing. Haise noted that he would be drawing a few extra pieces of promotional work to assist, but before he could formulate an idea, Shiono changed the subject.

“Do you two have plans for dinner?” he asked

“Uh…” Haise wracked his brain. “I-I don’t—”

“I’ve got a few ideas.” Sen turned over to him, smiling. “Remember? You were gonna cook something at my place.”

Haise was confused at first, but swallowed his question. His chin itched wildly as he responded: “Y-Yeah, I remember…”

It must not have been a very good performance, because she playfully rolled her eyes and faced forward.

Shiono whistled as he turned a corner leading to the 6th ward. “You really snagged a good one, kiddo. A cook? Absolutely crazy.”

She smirked. “I know.”

———

Haise didn’t even get the chance to admire Sen’s apartment before she locked the door, leapt into his arms, and crashed their lips together.

He gasped at the sudden contact as it stoked a flame inside of him. He scooped one hand beneath Sen to hold her steady, while the other groped at her ass. When he found a wall to pin her to, she grunted in approval.

“Is this okay…?” she breathed, tilting his head back and kissing his neck.

They hadn’t done this since he woke up in the hospital, and it only now dawned on Haise that that meant it had been a whole month. “Yes…” he gasped desperately, making a sound between a hiss and a moan when he felt her teeth pinch his skin. “Yes, yes…”

Perhaps that month— a bit more, if they were counting the days before he was kidnapped— had been why this felt a little clumsy. The way Sen was mindlessly biting his neck more than kissing it, the way when she found his mouth again, their teeth accidentally clacked, making them laugh— it was like the resort all over again.

Her tongue briefly swiped across his palate, then she bit gently on his bottom lip and tugged far harder. He let out a throaty sigh, leaning with the force, but he made sure to cradle her head so she didn’t hit the wall. Meanwhile, his hands hiked up either side of her skirt, pressing against her tights in a vain attempt to feel the skin beneath.

Sen broke their kiss to catch her breath. “Tear them,” she said, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his jacket.

Haise helped himself out of the clothing. “What?”

“I mean it—” she let out a sigh when his tongue found the inside of her cheek, chasing the sensation— “Tear them, pry them apart.”

His head was too fuzzy to protest, so instead, after setting her down, he yanked down her skirt, letting it pool on the floor around her feet. Then, he got on his knees and quickly pulled down her tights.

“Haise—!” she began, even as she kicked them off. “I told you to—”

He planted his face into her exposed bush. The effect was immediate as she threw her head back and nearly collapsed on him.

“Fuck—!” she gasped.

He stopped immediately. “You okay?”

He didn’t need to see her glare. “Keep going.”

No complaints there. He followed the pitch and volume of her cries, flicking her clit and teasing her entrance with his tongue. Offhandedly, he remembered some awkward videos Hide had sent him once upon a time, and was almost ashamed at how much he was relying on them now. He was also upset they were working.

She tasted wonderful, though— a cross between sour, sweet, and satisfying. Or maybe those were the hormones talking. Either way, he needed more of her, even if that meant blocking the majority of his airways. He also took one of his fingers and spread her lower lips, massaging them as he sucked her entrance.

Her hands enthusiastically carded his hair, tangling themselves in the black locks, as he lapped up everything that came out of her, wasting nothing. In the meantime, his pants tightened more and more with each lick, cry, and squeeze.

“Bedroom…” Sen managed, half-delirious. “Bedroom, now…”

Haise obeyed her command, removing his face from between her legs and gathering her up in his arms.

“Holy shit…” She clung to him as he carried her over toward the door that he assumed was her bedroom. She planted a few lazy kisses on his cheek and spread open his unbuttoned shirt to access his shoulder. “Wow…”

He nearly tripped on the way there, and she squealed with laughter. “Sorry, sorry,” he said, laughing too.

“It’s fine…” She kissed him, loved him. “Careful, though; don’t get hurt…”

“I won’t.” He relished the feeling of her lips. “Promise…”

He finally identified the bed— a fittingly red color, he vaguely noted— in the dim light of evening, and let Sen fall against the mattress. She grunted at the impact, but the feverish grin on her face told him everything he needed to know. He shed his shirt, tossing it carelessly on the ground, and made to climb on top of her and continue.

“Ah, ah, ah.”

He found his path impeded by her bare foot against his abdomen. It barely hovered over the tent in his pants, teasing it with the ghost of touch. She sat up, more composed now, and far more controlling.

“The pants too.”

He glanced down past it, then took a few steps back. His hands fiddled with the belt, eager to continue—

“Slowly, Haise.”

She crossed one leg over, making a show of it. The display only made him harder, and the way that she teased him by barely lifting a finger— beautiful torture. And she knew it, too. She knew by the sultry sound of her voice, traveling across the room to caress his ears. She knew by the thin string weaving itself into his skin, gently pulling him every which way and encouraging him to obey. A siren’s tapestry, in other words, and one he succumbed to gladly.

She mirrored his actions with her shirt and bra, and there was a flush to her face that told him there was a touch of regret to her orders. She stared hard at his erection the entire time, not looking away for a second. He wasn’t any better; his eyes hungrily roamed her hair, her face, her hips, her stomach, and her breasts, each area with its own, equally tantalizing aspects.

Once Haise stepped out of the pool made of his pants, Sen’s impatience broke out to save them both. In a surprising show of strength, she seized him by the waist and dragged him on top of her, pinning herself between his body and the mattress and trapping him between her legs. Haise propped himself up on an elbow to not completely crush her, but he liked the heat of their chests pressed flush together, and indulged himself as much as he could.

While their tongues danced their familiar dance, Sen’s hand ran up and down his length through his boxers, and he grinded helplessly against the motion until it slipped in to feel the real deal. The other massaged the back of his head, making him shudder.

Meanwhile, his hand found her ass, squeezing as hard as he could without hurting her. She liked the pain, to a degree; at first, he’d been hesitant to comply with her demands, even after her demonstrations at the resort. However, after everything that had happened lately, he disregarded those doubts and gave it his all, and the cry she gave into his mouth was worth it.

She stopped stroking him and tugged on his waistband. Haise didn’t think twice and helped her expose him to open air. He came up for air from her mouth and reached for the nearby drawer, intent on finding the condoms.

However, Sen’s hand clamped around his wrist, cutting him short. He looked back in confusion. “Sen—” even as the request formed itself on his lips, he wanted to stop himself— “we shouldn’t—”

“I want to,” she interrupted, and her grip tightened. “I’m on the pill, you know. The condoms were always more of a precaution.”

He swallowed. Tantalizing curiosity prickled his neck and made him twitch. “But…”

“I want to feel you, Haise.” There was a shine to her eyes that was desperate, pleading. “Please…”

It was so tempting; more than once, it had crossed his mind to ask if she wanted to try this. But he didn’t know anything about her situation regarding birth control, and then to risk something that would only really cause her pain was enough to still his tongue. In hindsight, he should have just asked.

He nodded slightly, then nodded again. “Okay… You’re sure?”

“I wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t.” She gave an encouraging smile.

Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Still— “If you change your mind, I’ll stop.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know.”

He stroked himself a few times to make sure he was ready, staring into her eyes the entire time. The resolve in her jade irises didn’t diminish in any way. When he moved to position himself, she spread her legs.

“Go on.” She shuddered as his head teased her entrance, which was soaked with her juices. It was more than enough.

Haise easily pressed into her, then saw stars.

It felt completely different from using a condom. Skin against skin, with nothing in between. A fire, no longer restrained, finally allowed to roar and consume everything it could get its hands on. It was such an incredible feeling that Haise nearly came on the spot. Sen seemed to feel it too, moaning and squirming like never before.

“Hah… Sen…”

“Haise… Haise…!”

For all that they read and learned from books, their vocabulary was reduced to unintelligible sounds and the other’s name as Haise moved inside her. It was an addicting sensation; he had a feeling he wouldn’t want to go back to condoms.

Sen seemed to be thinking the same. Her mouth hung open slightly, and her eyes were lidded with pleasure, vaguely focused in his direction. Even the slightest movement made her shiver beneath him. She was ethereal to him, his perfect imperfect person. The many images he had of Sen Takatsuki, the author, paled in comparison to Sen Takatsuki, the person; she got mad, she had moments of sorrow, she grinned and cackled when she was happy, and she was sometimes a bit too arrogant for her own good.

She was so unbelievably human.

He loved it.

He loved her.

Haise captured her lips again, trying to get as close to melting into her as he could. She eagerly reciprocated by wrapping her arms around his neck. He drank her like someone dying of thirst, and she opened herself to him, letting herself be drained.

The tenderness was short-lived. His pace sped up, and their voices grew in volume. Eventually, there was nothing left but Sen’s cries, his gasps, the slapping of their hips, and the feeling that he was going to cum soon. He tried to slow down, hoping to prolong the ecstasy for even a second longer, and busied himself by dragging his mouth over one of her nipples. She arched her back in approval and pulled him closer with her arms.

It wasn’t enough, not by a longshot.

“S-Sen…” he panted, shivering and twitching prematurely. “I’m gonna—”

“Inside me,” she whispered, begged. “Please…!”

It was that plea that gave him the push he needed. He slammed their hips together, burying himself as deep as he could, and spilled into her without a second thought. The rush from filling her up instead of a condom made him desperately sink his teeth into her shoulder. She cried out, a mix of pain and pleasure, tightening her legs around his waist and pushing him further into the area. He filled her for what felt like hours— a perfect, euphoric moment frozen in time, filled with their mixing sweat and breath.

Sen’s lips found the shell of his ear. “I love you,” she whispered, kissing it— a gentle gesture, helping him relax in the blissful tension.

He kissed the bruise he’d made in return. “I love you too.” He did so again, harder. “So much…”

It didn’t end there, though.

After catching their breath, she pulled him into the bathroom. Their first bath with each other took three times as long as a bath without. Haise memorized the image of Sen’s body slick with water and soap.

When she reached for the kettle in the kitchen to prepare tea, he grabbed it for her with one hand, while the other found her breast and squeezed a gasp out of her. The kettle was never put on heat, let alone filled. A sweaty imprint of her torso found itself on her counter, though.

Again and again and again, it seemed neither of them could be satisfied, but when the sun finally dipped below the horizon, they collapsed onto Sen’s bed, finally spent.

Sen was the first to break the pattern of noises: “Holy fuck…”

Haise, who felt like he was going to faint any second, could only say, “Uh huh.”

She struggled to her feet, her skin glistening in with sweat under the few hints of light in the room. “Tea? For… whew… for real, this time.”

He agreed with that sentiment. “I… I’d like that…”

Still, the way her bare hips swayed as she left the room, a trail of what he knew was a mixture of their fluids slowly trickling down her leg, made him think she wanted more. He was too out of it to take her up on it, unfortunately, so he just followed her.

Now that he wasn’t fucking her senseless, Haise finally had the opportunity to actually look at her apartment. The first thing he noticed wasn’t the patio overlooking the ward, the small couch and television, or the shiny metal fridge and kitchen.

No, the first thing he saw were the books.

Tons of them, crammed into shelves that lined the walls, and when there wasn’t enough space on those, they were piled on or around them in differing piles. After a while, though, the shelves stopped, and there were just piles shoved out of the way.

“Wow…” he said, drifting toward the nearest shelf-pile. “You have so many!”

Sen looked over from the kitchen. He tried not to ogle her bare chest. “It’s my actual collection. You like it?”

It really was nothing compared to their office. “‘Like it’? I-I love it!” Despite that, he stopped himself before he touched anything. “Er, may I?”

She gestured freely, smiling. “What’s mine is yours. I just hope there’s something here that lovely little brain of yours hasn’t devoured yet.”

He flushed. “We’ll have to see.”

While she got the kettle out, he examined her shelf— one of them, at least— with more interest. It was an expansion of the ones from their office, no longer restrained by a single space, and like their office, the books were vaguely organized by themes. The morals of war, bullshit politics, complications in criminal investigation, the horror of existence itself…

“What did you think of the conference, by the way?” Sen asked, coming up next to him. “Your first one, right?”

“Yeah…” Haise, far too engrossed in her collection, had to pause and think. “I guess… it was a little dull.”

She laughed. “They usually are.” She found a book and haphazardly paged through it. “Especially if you’re the one doing most of the talking.”

“I’m sorry; I—”

“No unnecessary apologies, remember?” Sen put the book away in a completely different spot and kept searching.

Haise pushed back this time and looked at her. “I meant that I’m sorry for you. You shouldn’t have to go through that and get your time wasted, even if it’s important to spread word.”

She found another book and met his gaze. “Thank you, but… It wasn’t all bad.”

His brow raised. “You sure? You were being bombarded by questions, and you looked—”

“Tired, yes.” She dropped the book without even opening it, and it toppled over a nearby stack. “And irritated, and bored, and a bit disgusted, too. But you were there, so that counted for something.”

It brought a smile to his face. “Sen, I—”

She cut him off. “You called me amazing. Did you mean that?”

He looked away, as if they weren’t completely naked in front of each other and covered in red marks courtesy of the other. “Y-You already know the answer, so—”

“I want to hear you say it.” Her other hand cupped his cheek, making him face her. “Tell me, go on.”

He was immediately sucked into her gaze. “Yeah…”

“Yeah, what?”

His hand settled on her waist. “Yeah, I… I think you’re amazing.”

She stood on her tippy toes and kissed him. “Good. I’m glad. Not so bad, right?”

Still humiliating. “Right…”

She glanced at the shelf again. “Did you find something, by the way?”

He followed her eyes, then spotted something familiar. He took out the book and showed it to her with a smile: Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. “Maybe.”

Sen shook her head, smiling. “Wouldn’t you rather read something new?”

“I-It’s a good story!” he defended. “Besides, it’s a, um, nice reminder of everything… How far we’ve come since we first read it, for instance.”

He was no longer a protagonist of a novel, dancing on the strings designed by the authors of his fate. No, he was the author now, drawing his own path to the future. Him and Sen both; they would chart their own course, speak their own words.

“You’re so sentimental,” she said, right as the kettle let out a hissing noise.

Haise decided to put the book on the counter for later. Sen handed him his cup of tea after a while, and they raised their cups together in a small toast. The silence in the air— and the smell of sex too— was enjoyed for a few minutes. The two of them, every so often, stole a glance at the other.

“What?” an amused Sen asked when she caught him.

Haise tried to hide behind his cup. “N-Nothing…”

“Tell me!”

His face turned a dark red. “Just admiring you…”

She rolled her eyes, but she wasn’t faring much better. “Charmer.”

More silence, more time to think, reflect. So much had changed since the coffee shop. Kazuichi Public Park, the White Blades, Cochlea, the resort, and then…

“What do you think will happen to V?” Haise asked, the thought occurring. “Torso’s dead, but he wasn’t the source of the problem…”

Sen shrugged. “Who knows? We’re attacking a very tightly wound organization. They’ve worked their way into nearly every aspect of everyday life, and many people have lived and died under their control without even knowing. The first leak won’t change anything overnight, so we have to keep fighting.”

His brow furrowed. “You have more information?”

“Of course we do!” She took a smug sip of her tea. “You don’t release information as you obtain it, otherwise your adversaries figure out your strategy and kill you. Better to hoard things and trickle it through a funnel, then watch the foundations collapse.”

He chuckled. “I didn’t think about that. That’s smart.”

“It was Hide’s idea.” She waved him off. “Thank him when you see him.”

“You helped him, didn’t you? You and Chie; don’t count yourself out like that.”

“I guess so.”

“Sen.”

“Alright, alright!” She put up a hand in defense. “Thank you, Haise, for acknowledging my contribution.”

They both laugh at that, hearty and full and bare. It was nice, and Haise treasured the sound.

“We kinda did this backwards, didn’t we?” Sen said suddenly, circling the rim of her cup.

“‘Backwards’?” he repeated.

“Usually you spend some time together with someone before having sex at their apartment.” She shrugged. “That’s all.”

“Oh…” He chuckled. “I guess so.”

She tilted her head, amused. “Just a guess?”

“Well… Who decides what’s ‘forwards’ and ‘backwards’ with this kind of thing?” He took a sip of his tea. “We decide our own paths. We’re, ultimately, the authors of our own story, right?”

Though the interview at the shop had sort of fallen into his lap, Haise had chosen to draw in the first place. He had chosen to go to that coffee shop, chosen to accept that job, and chosen to go to that resort.

Perhaps there were obstacles in the way. His mother, his aunt, the complications of his career choice, Rize, and the Torso were some of them, but his choices had granted him weapons to defeat them. Sen, Hide, Touka, and everyone else that he had befriended over the years came to his aid. In choosing them, they had chosen him in return. And that was life, at the end of the day:

Choose and be chosen. Over and over until the end.

Sen’s smile was as soft as velvet. “How inspiring.”

———

The End

THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME TO THE END

#blank canvas #writing #etoken

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alyjojo · 7 months

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March 🌞 2024 Monthly - Cancer

Preshuffle: You’re getting a new perspective on some sort of betrayal that’s occurred, either towards you or someone else and you’re just watching this, could also be something you’ve done. Sharp, painful endings, and fast beginnings. Impulsive behavior. A lack of emotional connection, or just being disconnected from emotions entirely. Trauma response, fight or flight - choosing flight.

Meditation: We were back in the long long hallway and you said “shit, this again?” Because this time it was dark, we couldn’t hardly see anything. You still had your skateboard though! And I said “but you’ll have to fight off whatever comes first, you’re faster” and you’re like “well, I have a hammer 🔨 “ Idk why you had a hammer, building something at the utility closet maybe idk, and you kinda scoffed at me for not having anything, but we would find something to pick up along the way. I found a huge sledgehammer almost taller than I am, I couldn’t hardly carry or swing it, and you scoffed again, took it effortlessly, and gave me your hammer. We never actually got anywhere (or saw anything) before it ended.

Main energy: The Hierophant rev

Could be a spouse, an ex, a parent, teacher or official of any kind, maybe even a boss for someone. A person that is expected to be a good example for others to follow - isn’t. Things that are traditional, rule abiding, moral, conservative or even lessons already learned are being resisted. Because something or someone has hurt you, now where that fits on the spectrum of heartbreak could go from minor to major. Someone hurt you that morally should’ve protected you. A parent or priest would probably be the best examples, especially with Merit Making as an Oracle, showing a monk. You reject religion? Because of all of the toxic bs humans do with it. The wars, pain, monstrous things that happen, why would that exist? That’s fair, you’re not the only one. Idk why either 💯 If you’ve lost someone, you could be pissed off at God, understandably. Idk anyone that hasn’t shaken their fist at the sky like “what the actual fuck?” at least once.

What’s going on in March:

The Devil:

As soon as I saw this, I heard “The Devil returns” and 8 Cups rev shows returning to a situation or person you’ve left behind before. Someone or something that’s really hurt you. There could be an obsession, addiction, or sexual thing tied into this, The Lovers clarifies…could be several people. Or you’re not interested in committing to a relationship because you’ve been badly burned before, some of you reject the idea of marriage (you’re not alone) or the traditional ideas of anything. The Drama Oracle makes it seem like this is gonna be a big deal. You could also be hurt by someone like this, I saw a parent in the past at the bottom initially. A cheating parent fucked up your family? Could be. Or spouse, partner, maybe you. Someone prefers quantity over quality, and the drama is the biting off of the head of whoever has done this, by whoever had figured it out. Sneaky shit. This could be someone who has done this to you before, or was otherwise involved in an addictive cycle, enabling of addictions on some level. You could be ending it or already have, but they’re used to you feeding their monster 👹

8 Cups rev:

Judgment, exactly what I said, someone is coming back around for another go at whatever it is you’re feeding them. A piece of your mind it looks like, but before it was probably what they wanted right? Or they wouldn’t be coming back. Sex, substances, some sort of twisted dynamic you give to in this person. I don’t know if it was ever even conscious on your end, you just cared about them. If a relationship has ended, you heard enough and told them to kick rocks, they’re crawling back to you 🎶 how that came out. They could come back more responsible, good job, more money, or acting like they’ve “become a man” now all gruffly. Doesn’t have to be a man that’s just how I heard it. They’ve changed, so they say.

5 Cups:

You’re sad! They’re being all friendly and buddy buddy with you, got a good job, made some new friends, look at my wares, I’m hot shit now. You’re just like “hey remember that one time you stabbed me in the fkn BACK cuz I do!” Knight of Swords cuts straight through all of the sugary sweet coating on this persons messages and behaviors. Or it’s all switched. Someone is still upset at an ending, a betrayal, hurt that’s been caused. Angry even. Enough to lash out even, but you don’t want to come off as an asshole (some of you might not even care). That’s where this Drama lies. One person left and is all fine & fancy about it, the other person didn’t want it to end at all, and is not fine nor dandy. Could just be a friend. A friend ditched you for a lover? Or a lover hanging out with their friends all the time, both possibilities are here. There could be an apology but it feels lighthearted, it’s no big deal, it’s said to say it and move along. You could feel used and that’s the deeper issue, a partner comes around for sex and then you’re not the priority anymore.

Ace of Wands:

Repeated from the clarifiers of The Hierophant rev, now this one is clarified by 9 Swords. A sexual obsession, fkboy/girl antics, someone being promiscuous, or just shallow. I assume you are deeply worried about the motives of someone, or their actions. Someone is definitely wondering if their person is sleeping around, it keeps them up at night. Or just using them, having a whole roster of bitches on their phone or w/e, I don’t know if you’re saying this out loud. Knight of Swords is at the bottom again, with sneaky shit, but you could be avoiding saying anything which just makes this more intense for you. Are they playing in your face, and sneaking behind your back? Maybe they’ve done that before and there’s residual trauma there, it’s not easy to trust again once it’s broken. Other than lovers - lying, stealing, getting what they want and bailing, you’re worried about that behavior from anyone.

Death:

Clarified by King of Cups, could be dealing with a Scorpio or that’s you. Someone is coming back around sure, but I don’t think you really want to get involved again. You could even love them, or it’s someone that means a lot to you. The Hanged Man with 5 Swords at the bottom shows you don’t want to be mean or seen as that, but you are hesitant. You pull back, you may avoid, you maybe don’t text back right away, things like that, never fully investing yourself into this connection because you don’t trust them flat out. Or it’s switched. Death, Merit Making, and The Hierophant rev is literally coming out to me like “I’m not your mama.” Like you’re not going to teach this person morals, decent behavior, how to be a good person fk that. Not your job. But you can love them anyway. Some, from a distance, and that’s necessary. Some of you just do, especially those of you where this is a parent, and if not sex, you could fear their wrath 😡 So you avoid them altogether if you can. Some of you simply just hold back your emotions and feelings, your fears, and that needs to stop. They can’t know, you don’t tell them. Others of you may be obsessed back, even though they’ve hurt you before, which makes it even harder to stay away when they come back for whatever reason this time. Or you’re the one going back to something obsessive, addictive, sexual, etc.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Heavy Scorpio, Gemini, Pisces & Libra

Oracle: ✨

28 Anger 😡

A very strong and primal emotion, anger sometimes catches us by surprise. At other times it seethes just under the surface, simmering a long while until it boils over, scalding anyone who is close. Anger is based in fear. Fear of loss of control, fear of not being loved, fear of being judged, fear of not being enough. When anger enters your life - be it yours or someone else’s - go beneath the surface and try to address the real fear that has triggered it. Anger doesn’t go away without addressing the underlying fear. Alternately, beware of someone’s anger directed towards you.

Death ☠️

Endless - Harm - Inevitable

Merit Making 🙏

Goodness - Humanness - Morality

Drama 🎭 - Leo Mercury

We enter into March as:

The Carrot Colored Cloak 🥕:

“Don’t quit before the miracle!”

You are being told that changing your direction at this time is not wise. We never know where our miracles lie in the path, often just beyond the boundary of our faith. You may not see it, but it lies ahead. When we do the work that is chosen for us, we are serving a higher order, and if we stop we upset the balance of our lives. Stick with it and have blind faith, an exciting change is coming. You must press on in the direction of your vision, what you’re working for will come to fruition.

What is to be learned in March:

Crimson Dreams 🥀:

“I am feeling the loss of my dreams.”

Crimson Dreams indicates holding back in some way. Are you selling yourself short? More than likely, it’s a warning you might be giving up on yourself. Are you in a danger zone of complacency? Are you allowing yourself to coast along in a situation you might not really want? Unless we are willing to risk, we may never realize our dreams. This is a need for new awareness. Don’t give up on your dreams! This is a wake up call to face your situation and live the life you truly desire, because you can.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️

#cancer #monthly tarot reading #astrology #march 2024 #monthly #tarot #Spotify

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fullmetalfears · 1 year

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One of my favorite aspects of crossovers is trying to combine the worldbuilding of one franchise to another. Trying to transplant ideas and concepts so that even when one set of characters is fully in a different location, you still see the full potential of the characters in a new location.

For this AU I just adore playing with the fears. In specific, the fact that the fears are in a new world means that they reflect the fears of the people within it. The fears being a reflection of our own fears is something I think is generally underutilized in fics. So it would make sense that they would change in confronting entirely different cultures and "magic systems" as it were. In FMA's case, Truth already exists and precides as its cosmic force as it were. The fears combining into Truth and then morphing it to have properties of the fears and Truth is just such a fun option. It lets us make alchemy that much more horrific, change the homonculi to have more fear related powers, but also, gives us other options when it comes to Jon's abilities.

With the change in fears, it felt correct to change what type of avatar Jon became. We have a system where Jon uses alchemy to distill essentially pills of fear to consume. It's not satisfying but it works to keep him from hurting people especially when there aren't written statements anymore. However, it has a different consquence where Jon can transition between fears without 100% realizing it. Foxy wrote a "confession" earlier. They're statements but their connotations are different as well as how they're given. To put it bluntly, Jon becomes a confessional of sorts for people who have faced fears. The hierophant, aka a "priest" but also a companion who gives advice.

Jon slowly transitions from being an avatar of the Beholding to becoming an avatar of the Maker. He listens and gives advice, as the people speak their "sins". He is judgemental to those who wrong him, and he is not afraid to make you feel such shame that it boors into your immortal soul.

It's fitting, how someone who became a god even for a brief moment, knows how to put the fear of it in others.

~Luna

#fullmetalfearsau #fullmetalfears au #jonathan sims #fmf worldbuilding

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ravynswag · 2 years

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how to read cards with a career aspect/view! - ravynstarot

i get many asks and dms wondering “what am i good at career wise?” “what career should i pursue?”. if you have read my other post on “how to approach the cards” (link below) then you know that tarot cards do not have one set meaning. taking into account the question, the person, the timing, etc…. let’s talk ab the cards and how to read them with a view of career.

check my pinned post for more!! free readings are open :)

reminder: this is for entertainment and educational purposes. tarot is not a fortune teller, but is used for guidance and advice. also, my work is my own- unless specified otherwise. for example, other than my own intuition, i do get help when needed using guidebooks. for this cheat sheet in particular- i use the guidebook from “tattoo tarot, ink and intuition” tarot deck.

understanding the cards to begin with:

the cards have energy and vibes to them. while i say they don’t have one set meaning, they sort of do? they have a vibe to them, that helps portray the message they want to get across. it is up to the reader to understand and lay out the message. as a reader, ALWAYS keep in mind these main things-

1. what was the question?

2. who am i reading for?

3. what does the imagery say?

if you always keep these in mind and follow your intuition!

REMINDER:

the cards are so versatile, it’s important to keep in mind this is my PERSONAL take on the cards. take inspiration (or follow exactly), but find what suits you and what you believe!!!!!

HOW I APPROACH CARDS:

before anything - always take into account the name of the card. sometimes it says more than you may believe. also, i never look for career names straight away, i look at traits you may have that can build onto a career. that is why i put traits and things you’re good at mostly in the cheat sheet below! enjoy :)

i will do traits and after “***” is my own take on what careers i would say! keep in mind if what cards are surrounding each other!!!

strength and justice should be flipped - other than that everything is in order from 0-22.

major cards:

fool: openness, risk taking, seeking abilities, adventurous, outdoor person, dog person *** works outdoors- hiker, camp director, forest guide, survival guide. animal person- dog trainer, dog walker. adventurous/risky- stunt person/double, risky sports such as skydiving,etc. also i would take as a k-9 trainer. working in technology

magician: juggler, jester, magician, skillful, mastery of a subject (read surrounding cards), solo in career *** everything read above. communications. sales. scientist. engineer.

high priestess: holds a lot of knowledge, bookkeeper, librarian, the subjects of science, psychology, philosophy, and education, prideful, mysterious, intuitive, divination *** librarian or bookkeeper, a teacher within stated subjects. spiritual guide or teacher. medium. witch. psychic. detective

empress: domestic things, “mother”/“feminine power”, luxurious lifestyle, marriage, abundance, birth. *** mother of a household, helps women during birth, work from home, beauty industry, cosmetologist. nurse. teacher. gynecologist

emperor: leadership, “father”/“masculine power”, wealth, stability, logic, experienced, rebellious, confidence, ceo, someone of high power or hierarchy *** leader of said career(surrounding cards). self employment. government work.

hierophant: pope, priest, someone of high respect in religious or spiritual relations, traditionalist, morality and philosophy, rituals. *** stated above.

lovers: compatibility, unions, infidelity, separation, choices, love. *** marriage therapist, wedding planner, planner of any kind. working in pairs or with others. public relations. sex therapist.

chariot: journey, travel, competitions/competitive, obstacles, discipline. *** professional driver, horseback riding, athlete, career dealing with travel. motivational speakers. quality services/quality checker. postal services. driver. security.

justice: careers regarding the law. honor. fairness. equality. neutrality. favoritism. *** judge, lawyer, cop, etc…. health and fitness.

hermit: wisdom, self reflection, internal, contemplation, spiritual quest, safety, truth seeking. *** helping others find their path, therapist, spiritual guide. author, writing. teacher, healer. working alone, or solo. editing.

wheel of fortune: destiny, new cycles, manifestation, lucky, advancement. *** always changing. can’t stick to one career. public speaking. restaurants.

strength: strength, courage, action, energy, power. *** anything that takes physical or mental strength. personal trainer, bodybuilder, or really hard jobs that no one wants to do. human services. animal services- vets and trainers. zoo workers. dentist.

hanged man: sacrifices, review, new point of view, being bound or stuck, decision. *** acrobat, gymnast, art, music. psychology. creative subjects.

death: transformation, loss, depression, recovery. *** doctor, mortician, psychologist. army/military. funeral director. insurance, finances, taxes. counselor.

temperance: self control, economy, patience, friendship, stubborn. *** economist, humanitarian careers, mediator. news. therapist.

devil: negative attitude, addictions, toxic patterns, obsessions, strange occurrences. *** paranormal researcher, working in rehab, working with criminals or with the mental health and examination of criminals or mentally ill. miner, farmer. bartender.

tower: destruction, revival, starting over. *** construction worker, architect, anger management, demolition work. high pressure jobs.

star: faith, recovery, gifts. *** tarot reader/reader, a missionary. music and film industry, public service. medicine. astronomist. technology, entertainment industry. life coach.

moon: night owl, illusion, mystery, deception, dishonesty, hidden forces. *** anything involving secrecy or hiding true feelings. gambler, secret underground forces. nontraditional or social accepted jobs such as stripping/sex worker, etc…. detective. trauma therapist

sun: children, happy, outside, bright. *** fun jobs, a career of your dream. outdoors(a lot like the fool.) gardener, jobs working with people. working with children. story teller.

judgement: awakening, renewal, rebirth, creation.*** politics. judge. management of a job. recruitment. manager.

world: completion. reward. the universe. achievements*** land, government, and natural resources. astronaut or working in that field. careers in rules and regulations.

minors (suit and court break down only):

wands: travel and communication. passion. *** jobs ur passionate ab. jobs requiring travel. active jobs like sports. news, advocacy, making plans.

swords: intellect, decisions, communication, logic. *** jobs such as teaching, finance, communications, advertising and marketing, managing. politics. theft. contracts.

cups: emotions, relationships, healing. *** therapists, psychologists, planners, sex and marriage. traumas. mediums/spiritualists/divination.

pentacles: property, money, achievements. *** finance, real estates, ceo, managers, bankers, owners, agriculture.

before reading ab courts- always take into account what suit it falls under as well!!!

pages: very young- children. messengers. learners, wondering and thoughtful. students. trainees. ideas.

knights: young, but more like teen or young adult. very active and hasty. romantic. goal oriented

queens: internal and mature. understanding and loving. focused. devoted.

kings: external and mature. powerful and dominant. authority, trusted leaders. bosses.

decks that may help portray:

find good decks with imagery, like rider waite and versions of rider waite.

my favorite GUIDEBOOK is the tattoo tarot guide book. it is very simple, but very often gives careers or types of people. it’s also one of my favorites for physical characteristics as it is VERY versatile!

#tarot #tarot reading #tarot cards #spirituality #spiritualguidance #growth #education #reading #career #oracle #oracle reading #tarot tips #tarot beginner #tarot readings #tarot community #tarotblr

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niaskotl · 19 days

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Sunday Sep 1, 2024 23:00 EDT Waning Crescent Moon (1%) Cave Path working meditation 45 minutes

Opened with sphere of o͞ol-ōg-fĕt followed by opening of the thirty paths.

Meditation on the path of the Hierophant.

During this meditation a prominent idea arose of my child's montessori education. The classroom had all sorts of toys to play with that had the side effect of teaching core concepts of number, volume, multiplication, the natural world, socialization, etc. The teacher would encourage the kids to play and they learn through playing.

This is like the role of the Hierophant. This is not a priest delivering the divine message. This is more of a sage that will interact with you and give you things to play with. Ask him what you imagine is a straightforward question and he will give you a riddle to explore that opens up new ways of thinking about the question.

This nature corresponds to the path of the Hierophant connecting Form to Process. It is this that tells us all form is what it is because of what it isn't. That is how it can interact with other things. How it can be different than it is makes it what it is.

In a direct reading the Hierophant indicates a teacher that encourages you to fuck around and find out. It could indicate a life lesson or a puzzle to solve.

In an averse reading the Hierophant may indicate that answers are unnecessarily convoluted or that fundamental skill learning is absent or occurring long after those skills should have been mastered.

Closed thirty paths and then sphere of äm-ōg-thĕr.

#emanant void magick #magick journal

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fangtastic-vampyra · 1 year

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not a bad idea huh..

SOOOO... IVE BEEN TAKING PHOTOS ALMOST DAILY, NOT TO BE A THOT, --

BUT, TO , SEE MY CHANGING EXP, TO, SEE, THE TOLL OF THINGS HAPPENING SUCH AS BEING TARGETED , A SRA, AND MKULTRA VICTIM.

I LOOKED VICTIMIZED IN '16, - broke up with Vainemoinen.

DRUGGED OUT BUT VERY CREATIVE lol... IN 17, 18 & 19 .. DECENT "HEALTHY" WEIGHT, "8" , WHICH I WOULD KILL TO BE THAT SIZE, ON T AND EATING AND BEING RAPUNZEL WELL CASSIUS IN MY PRISONER TERRET UMM... RAPUNZELS CASTLE REFERENCE..I GOT BIG, LIKE "ALPHA" VOMITS DUDE BIG. UGH >_> IM TRYING TO BE WHAT I LOOK LIKE. LOLOLOL. I WANT TO BE A LEADER, AN INFLUENCER, A GUIDE, A LIFE COACH, A NURTURER, A DOCTOR. I WANT TO FREAKING HEAL PEOPLE.

SLEPT A LOT, WAS TRAUMATIZED FROM ER AND PSYCH WARD, AND RECOVERING, PHYSICALLY, AND MENTALLY, A LEISURELY MOMENT, THEENNN THEY MADE IT TO WHERE WE CANT SMOKE INDOORS.. UGH THAT WAS HORRIBLE, I WAS SO WORRIED I WAS GOING TO GET CAUGHT.. UM, THEN, IN 20, AND 21, I WAS IN THE PSYCH WARD AGAIN, ETC, AND EVEN WENT TO JAIL AND GOT OUT ON $300 BAIL..... CONT. INTO...

22ISH WAS LIKE IN A MENTAL HEALTH COURT PROGRAM BC... MY OUTPATIENT PROGRAM RECOMMENDED ACT UH THEY ARE OK...GOT A FELONY FOR USING PEPPER SPRAY (ON AN ELDERLY BUT EXTREMELY CREEPY VETERAN DUDE THAT HAD SUPPORT POLICE ETC ALL ON HIM AS A COAT)...

THEY REDUCED IT TO A MISDEANOR, GOT MORE POLICE BRUTALITY, 5 MANLETS THREW ME ACROSS THE ROOM.. YAH IM A DUDE BUT IM AFAB OKKKK. IM STILL IN A FEMALE BODY. RESPECT IT OR ILL DO SOMETHING BACK. IM THE BADDEST "WITCH" THERE EVER WAS. MANLET SLAMMED MY HEAD INTO A POLICE CAR, THEY HAD A CHAIN ON MY WAIST, ATTACHED TO MY CUFFS LIKE IT WAS FUCKED UP BRO.

CUZ OF HURRICANE IDA '22 WAS SPENT AT MY MUMS, GOT A LIL HIGH, UH, DRUGGED OUT PIX, BUGGY EYES AND WHATNOT, IDC, I THINK DRUGS SHOULD BE LEGAL... CUZ I WAS HIT BY IDA, AND SHIT, I WAS AT MY PARENTS, UHM,

AT THE END OF 22.. DEC... ALMOST ON CHRISTMAS I GOT MY OWN APARTMENT, NOW HELPING MAN AND HIS SON, I AM A FRIEND OKAY.. VAMPIRE THOUGH ^_^ VAMPYRA WITH WIFI, AND MET A LOT OF LONELY ASPIES, I THINK DEW & TOXICITY MAKES ME LOOK LIKE ONE, HEAD SWATTING AND REPEATED ATTACKS MADE ME UM, SORT OF DEAF.,.ISH??? I WEAR CONTACTS, SO THATS ANOTHER DISABILITY, BUT I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF .. HEALING... URSELF.. <3333 yOU Are the person you have to live with forever, make it a good trip, make ur mind a good place to be, make ur life ur dream, if u dont like ur life, make better decisions... everyone deserves a 2nd chance...I feel like SOMETIMES GOD HAS A KID'S FACE..Priest, Hierophant, etc.. Priest/ess.. Arcane/Left hand path, but still jovial towards helping random others.

(YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH PHOTOS, SOMETIMES THEY ARE ALL U HAVE OF SOMEBODY ETC, UR MEMORYS.. AND WRITING THINGS DOWN..EDIT.. OR DONT.. BE CREATIVE, DRAW SOMETHING.. PAINT.. AND ME? I HAVE HAND ARTHRITS SO I.. LOVE JOURNALING ON COMPUTER AND YOU CAN JUST NEVER GET ANOUGH OF LOOKING BACK)

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leam1983 · 2 years

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I posted 3,296 times in 2022

That's 1,163 more posts than 2021!

478 posts created (15%)

2,818 posts reblogged (85%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@hikineet-trash

@daemonhxckergrrl

@millenianthemums

@fizzyimp

@pollylittlehigher-littlelower

I tagged 1,085 of my posts in 2022

#work post - 93 posts

#thoughts - 68 posts

#life post - 30 posts

#it post - 26 posts

#long post - 20 posts

#on writing - 15 posts

#not a review - 14 posts

#youtube - 13 posts

#cyberpunk 2077 - 12 posts

#politics - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#a living area that would look like an eighties' megamall food court with a lamborghini testarossa in pride of place in the middle

My Top Posts in 2022:

Rummaging Things Around

I have a thing in mind. A vaguely Lovecraftian thing, inspired by my re-reading Champion of the Worms, by Mignola and McEown. The early stretches are basically a pastiche of a pastiche, but that's never stopped me before...

So we have this guy - sort of a failed academic with something like a decent brain to call his own, that gets pulled out of a life of relative non-ambition by a more successful relative. The uncle's long been a curator for a bunch of obscure exhibits and more or less lives like the Dieselpunk Forties never ended and Eldritch Horror were real. He's the type who speaks six languages, unearths remote tribes the world over and somehow finds ways to show even the people of the 21st century that yes, here sometimes be dragons anyway.

Dropout is brought in to help his uncle with the curation of his new exhibit in an obscure little New England town, and it's through piecing things together that our main guy realizes the object of the exhibit-to-be is Hyperborea, also known as Ultima Thule - the very continent Nazi occult weirdos spent years chasing in the hopes of anchoring their theories about the Aryan race to anything at all. Hyperborea is Antarctica, of course, and briefly consisted of a few landmasses that weren't yet covered in ice, several million years ago. The story goes that the archipelago was colonized by an extant Hominid species, a forgotten branch of Humanity that has strengths and weaknesses altogether different from the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon species that both preceded and followed them. They grew in secret, mastered art, language and philosophy - even dove into the mysteries lying beyond mere intellect and intuition.

Then, they vanished. No fossil records, no bones, no traces of their civilization - nothing except what our Uncle character finds.

And what does he find? Two burial sites that would make Tutankhamen absolutely green with envy. The catch is is laden in dark portents and the other one has an almost messianic undertone - as if opening this particular tomb would somehow usher in Mankind's next stage in History.

It's a small museum, Uncle's on the frail side, and his wing's curator isn't exactly on-the-level... Things get leaked, pictures are taken, and thieves get involved. As greedy as you'd expect and far too confident after overpowering an older man, an out-of-shape thirtysomething and a dumpy idiot in his sixties, they crack open the bigger, more festooned sarcophagus.

Things... take a turn for the worse. The Hyperboreans, as it turns out, owe their disappearance to their falling under the insane sway of a death cult. A Great Old One-esque monstrosity more than likely claimed them so completely it erased Hyperborean civilization from the map, leaving its priest to serve as the hierophant of things to come if anyone were to awaken him again. If an entire culture's drank the Kool-Aid, it follows that someone hell-bent on spreading destruction would receive Grade-A Messiah treatment, complete with a beatific burial site that just so happened to send the wrong impressions to a bunch of credulous grave robbers, millions of years ago.

Fighting back against zombies, spirits and other monstrosities, Uncle and Dropout lose the curator. Eventually, Uncle dies. Dropout is alone, barricaded in the same room as the second stone coffin, one that's etched out of crude limestone and that's had every carving and identifying marker chipped away by chisel. Someone did not want anyone else to find thar second tomb, and did not want anyone to open it.

With the world slowly succumbing to chaos outside and with nothing else to do, Dropout opens the second sarcophagus. What he finds inside is a... different kind of undeath, one that feels less like a perversion of life and more like one heck of an obstinate man that absolutely, positively refused to give in to death. The dessicated mummy reaches out with a dusty moan, grabs ahold of Dropout's neck - and pulls him in for a kiss.

When he finally breaks away, gagging and heaving, Dropout somehow instinctively knows that this contact served as a means to copy his thoughts, linguistic and situational skills, and awareness of the situation. As for the mummy, it's sitting up in its sarcophagus and lounging in it for a few moments, stroking its beard for a few breaths.

"Six million years, eh?" it says, its voice going from sepulchral croaks to a precisely-toned and conversational King's English over the next minute or so. "Well, I have to give you credit - you lot at least look like you never went snooping about in places where sane men aren't expected..."

It catches itself. "Ah, well, there was this one chunk of you with a thing for portents brought about by sulfurous fumes - Athenians and the Pythia, hm? Overall, however, if we're generous? Barring brief moments of potential concern like MKULTRA or some of your Feds keeping an eye on the Ayahuasca fad? I guess you could call yourselves blessedly ignorant."

The second mummy grins, which isn't a pretty sight. It scoffs. "I know - I look horrendous. Past a certain point, it really doesn't matter who or what your keeper is, man-flesh is as man-flesh does - but you're not here to listen to me ramble, are you? The Serpent is loose, the world will be devoured, End of Times, yadda yadda - unless you help me climb out of this thing."

The dropout screams. Shenanigans ensue.

21 notes - Posted June 14, 2022

On Revengeance

I agree with Jacob Geller. Metal Gear Solid: Revengeance is prescient not only in how it's more or less become immortalized as a meme vector - which Monsoon would find ironic - but also in how it gave us something that should have triggered shirt-tearing and pearl-clutching Republicans and Conservatives, if they only gave a shit about video games.

See, Senator Armstrong is a stroke of genius. We spend most of the game piecing his agenda together, and eventually fight him head-on. At first, he spouts very on-the-nose rhetoric, as if Raiden were a CSPAN interviewer in need of a few conciliatory buzzwords. And yes, in 2013, a video game character shouted that he intended to make America great again. That's long before Trump would unabashedly take that zinger and plaster it on crimson caps manufactured in China.

So you wear Armstrong down and force him to not just ditch his well-pressed suit, but also all pretense. You realize that his America is basically a Libertarian's coyly-assumed ideal and a Fascist's wet dream, where policy is dictated by the strong and the weak only have two choices: tow the party line or die - either literally or socially. It's hard not to draw parallels with several politicians who embrace similar notions, out of the sociopathic conviction that what's really holding the Western world back is empathy.

It's strange to look at Putin and then reflect back on Armstrong - and to realize that Absolutist, do-or-die rhetoric can plausibly leave the mouth of an IRL politician. It makes you wonder where Putin, Trump or Bolsonaro would consider pushing their agenda, if they'd overdosed on Nietzsche.

Of course, it's also a setting where the Good Guys push Combat Maximalism and pure aggression, where lyrics land in the most appropriate spots in order to take already absurd moments and elevate them to the status of quoted maxims (see Rules of Nature) and where a franchise normally known for its extremely ponderous stealth mechanics effectively has a psychotic breakdown and spends five hours Wrecking Shit while wearing too much eyeliner.

In short, it's glorious, and it's probably the most ponderous and, I daresay, intellectual entry in Platinum Games' oeuvre. It's dumb, happy to be dumb, and also follows along with KojiPro's focus on anchoring its mechs-and-soldiers nonsense in real-world ethics. It's like catching one of Volodymyr Zelynsky's skits before he gained Ukraine's presidency, and realizing that this dude who was typically known for playing half-wits has one heck of a serious noggin on his shoulders.

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22 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

Your Average Soulsborne Opening

"Shit's fucked, man. The Important Twelve-Feet-Tall Big Guy ghosted on us. World's gone to shit. People are, like, fucked out of their minds! The Big Guy's Helpers could hold an intervention and force Him to come back, but they've all hit Snooze on their alarm clock. The only one who's Woken Up and Who Knows It's Monday is the Useful Idiot. That's you.

Your job: to get your massive buddies to get out of bed, either by slapping them a few hundred times or by slapping whatever it is that's keeping them down. You won't succeed, though: you're a Scrawny Shit, and Scrawny Shits get nothing done. Telling ya, man: we're doomed."

The narrator leans to the side. "What? We still have thirty seconds of intro left on this thing? Um... I'll just, uh, dramatically name-drop the Big Guy's Helpers! There's Bitch-Fucker the Unloveable! Asshole-Face! Weird Fucked-Up Dog Thing! That one female part of the gang with a slightly skeevy thing that makes you go 'Yeah, this is Japanese for sure!' Then there's the most important of them all, um... Steve!"

"You, though? You're a Scrawny Shit. You're so lowly even Steve doesn't know you. It all rests on you, though: wake up the Posse, bring the Big Guy back, and we just might move on to call you... A Player-Directed Plot Device."

22 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

On Difficulty

"Hey, why are you so psyched for Elden Ring? You've never finished the Souls games or Bloodborne!"

To that, I've been replying that what I especially like about From Software releases is how granular things are. The total challenge is immense in all cases, yes, but the moment-to-moment gameplay is very piecemeal in design. You're rarely forced to do-si-do against four or five simultaneous enemies and you're typically given all the tools you need to do what obviously needs doing. The two catches are that boss fights have life bars the size of Siberia, and that they hit you like two angry trucks meeting again on the set of Jerry Springer. They're easily telegraphed, simple to read and uncomplicated in their tactics - the challenge-related aspect is only punitive in design.

Considering, every encounter is self-contained and it doesn't really make much of a difference to wonder if that incoming boss fight is going to feel different from the last mobs you wiped out.

Approaching the game like this means I never felt narrative or situational pressure, and that I'm more compelled by exploratory concerns than by the need to end up with a Pure White World Tendency or whatever else. I'm not really given to yeet myself across enemy-infested courtyards because I'm tired and this is my -nth corpse run. I'll be as cautious going back for that corpse as I was during the run that got me killed - and eventually, timing and luck are going to meet my mediocre Soulsborne skills and will let me wipe the floor with a boss I previously found impossible to face.

In that respect, Elden Ring is exactly what I hoped to see out of From in the murky depths of the future: a Soulsborne with transitional spaces approchable by any character of any skill level, thereby providing me with a safe space in which to develop my skills and farm without feeling like my gathered Souls are constantly on the line and in the care of my dubious skillset.

That means I'll be able to venture around Limgrave and beyond in the Lands Between without wondering if the Legacy Dungeons are part of my overall progression. I'll be free to backtrack as needed and to workshop angles of approach in wider spaces than were previously accessible. That's without mentioning stealth, around which I don't doubt you could build a frighteningly effective build that's less focused on pattern recognition. The designers' comments do suggest that while Elden Ring isn't easier than the previous titles per se, the player has more options - and some of them are effective at mitigating the perceived challenge.

To me, that's smart design. If difficulty is such a core aspect of your ethos, it makes sense that you'd want to forego gameplay menus and player-adjustable variables. However, tweaks can be dispersed in-game, and left to the player's discretion. Both this and the level design seem to combine into what's probably the most accessible Soulsborne title to date, all the while never disparaging the studio's reputation as a creator of punishing titles.

This is why I'm especially interested in this one, even if I'm expecting it to kick my ass for several weeks, before things start to click.

39 notes - Posted February 23, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Cult of the Lamb - Quickie

Cornelius Agrippa's Formula for Making Fucked-Up Shit

One part "Aww, the artstyle looks a lot like Gumball's!"

Two parts of "Should I be amused or disturbed?"

A dash of "Well, someone knows their Lovecraft... Me likey!"

One Animal Crossing: New Horizons cartridge, chopped up in your choice of power blender

One USB stick containing a full playthrough of The Binding of Isaac. Any edition will do.

A grab-bag's worth of normally-throwaway secondary mechanics. Be sure to give them pride of place in your mixture, just to be sure the bigwigs at the Big Three discredit your design doc.

One cup of the blackest cynicism imaginable.

Two large handfuls of cake sprinkles. Empty your entire tub in there for extra awkward cuteness.

Shake, bake and deliver to Devolver Digital for publishing, because nobody else was going to touch this with a ten-foot pole

Actually make this motherfucker addictive and rewarding.

Plus - hey! The game's a complete offering! There's a roadmap planned, but what we get is a full game! The DLC's only cosmetic!

Buy it. This is highly, highly reccomended.

54 notes - Posted August 12, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

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