taesanstrustfund

[taesanstrustfund]

I swear I’m alive…sorry it’s literally been like…a month or something. I think I’ll write something tonight. I applied to an art school so I’ve been anxious about that!

[taesanstrustfund]

I want Taesan to cover poison by jet black alley cat so bad dude.

[taesanstrustfund]

Too drunk to drive [k.woonhak]

Too Drunk to Drive - By hey, nothing

Synopsis: Woonhak needs to pick up his friend from a party. Turns out he picks you up after a little awkward conversation.

[college au, non-idol au!- freshman woonhak, fluff, totally not the age of drinking (f), AWKWARD]

[word count: 2k]

Warnings: underage drinking (f), AWKWARD.

An: sorry for the lazy writing! But aweeeeee awkward woonhak aweee aweeee aweeeee

The night all happened so quick.

One moment, I saw her taking a shot, her face reflecting a mix of concentration, determination, and something between the lines of intensity and dedication. Her eyes squinted slightly, and her brows furrowed after the burning sensation made its way into her body. Her mouth is pursed somewhat firmly, almost keeping the fire ignited inside. She shakes her head, hair slowly falling out of the loose ponytail she tried fixing before he picked up her 2nd shot. 

Her eyes are shut, and she smiles and huffs out a laugh before picking up the small glass and tossing it back, taking the same route the last one took. 

The next moment, she was in my backseat. 

Everything in between was a blur of flashing phone lights of people recording each other in the dance circle and music so loud you couldn't even comprehend a single thought. It’s not my thing, partying. I’ve never been the guy to go to these things.

It’s her that dragged me here. It has to be.

I don’t know her, but the mere thought of not seeing her face after today makes me dizzy. 

I only came to this party to meet my friend. I had promised to pick him up since I didn’t want him to walk home a drunken mess. It’s my first year of college, and I thought parties only happened like this in the movies. Everyone was dancing, glow sticks were around people's necks, and people were making out against the walls of this random home. I swore I saw someone leave with a vase when I arrived. 

I had no reason to be there other than to ensure my friend didn’t end up on the news by the following day. If he does anything stupid he will be kicking both of our asses since we dorm together. 

“Left with a BABE. Won't be back at the dorm tonight.”

I was about to see myself out, but I saw her. She was lined up at a table laughing with a group of girls I had never seen before. 

It’s almost surreal, like a moment pulled straight from a dream. The first thing anyone would notice is her presence—it’s magnetic, pulling you in without her even trying. There’s a glow about her, not just physical but something more profound, a warmth that radiates and makes the world feel just a bit brighter. When she smiles, it’s like the sun breaking through clouds, and it’s impossible not to smile back, even if I'm standing a few feet away at the door, now holding myself up against the wall.

Her beauty isn’t just in her appearance. However, that's breathtaking—perfectly crafted features, eyes that seem to see straight through to your soul. She scanned the room, eyes landing on me for a second, and she smiled and turned around. She has a confidence that makes her effortlessly captivating. It’s in the way she speaks. Her hands motion around, her feet pointed towards the person she’s talking to so they take her conversation seriously; her posture is upright, the kindness in their voice, and the way she listens when the person is talking back, giving them her full attention like you're the only person in the room.

“Woonhak! What's up, dude? I didn’t think I’d ever see you out of your dorm!” I feel Leehan smack my shoulder, but my eyes never break from her. Whoever she is has me pulled in. 

“I just... came to pick up Jaehyun, but he left already.” I'm completely starstruck. She’s like a movie. She looks like my favorite song. Leehan’s eyes must have followed mine because he introduced me to her name.

“That’s y/n. She’s a freshman majoring in broadcast and television.”

“y/n…” It feels intimate saying her name. The way it rolls off the tongue is soft and deliberate, each syllable holding meaning, almost like I’m savoring the sound of it, cherishing it in a personal way.

“And there is no way she isn’t taken.” 

I finally let myself blink, taking my eyes away from her, feeling the guilt of the rush is still evident in my face, and my cheeks blushing slightly as the stupid grin slowly melts away. Of course, she is. I don’t doubt it. 

“You know that for sure?”

“Why, you interested?” he laughs, ruffling my hair, and I quickly push his hands out of it, fixing myself in case she looks over. 

“I didn’t say that.”

“The eyes never lie,” he smirks and wraps his arm around my shoulders while looking at her. 

“Hey y/n! I have someone for you to meet!” Leehan yells, pulling y/n’s attention over to us. 

I moved myself out from under Leehan’s arm and pushed him slightly.

“Dude! You said she has a boyfriend!”

“I said there’s no way she’s not taken. Who knows, she might be single. You might have a chance.” he laughs as y/n approaches the two of us. 

“Hi!” she smiles and waves at me while she walks up to Leehan. 

“Hi…” I don't have the confidence for this kind of stuff. Over text is a different story! I can rephrase myself as often as I need to before sending something. But she’s fogging my brain so bad that I can’t even think of a way to start a conversation.

“This is Woonhak, Woonhak this is y/n.” Leehan gestures with his hands between us.

“Does he go to our school?” Oh god, the embarrassment I’ve felt in the past could never work up to how I feel now. 

We’ve attended the same school for almost a semester and a half now, and she doesnt know we go to the same school. I can't blame her since I never come out of my dorm, only leaving for classes and to go to my job off campus. I have never seen her, but again, I never leave my space. 

“Yeah, he just hibernates in his dorm, though. Real great guy, he’s got a loser side to him-”

“Dude!”

“Are you a freshman?” 

“Mhm…mm-yeah.” I nod

“Me too! How do you know Leehan?”

“He’s my brother's friend.”

“And I was asked to protect this little guy while his brother is away for international studies.” he throws his arm around me again. I only roll my eyes because the embarrassment is probably evident by now. 

“What did you say your name was again?”

“Woon…woonhak.” 

“Woonhak, do you want a drink?”

“Oh- no, no, I don't drink. 

“He can be my driver tonight, then.” Leehan laughs.

“I didn’t come here for you, idiot.” I hiss at him, finally pulling his arm off my shoulder for the second time tonight. 

“I came for Jaehyun, but he left-”

“Wait, you know Jaehyun?”

I'm almost scared to answer, afraid he did something. I can’t let my roommate ruin my chances of talking to y/n. 

“He’s my roommate.”

“He went home with one of my friends,” she laughs, almost shocked at the realization. 

I don’t know whether to apologize now or to apologize later. 

“Hey, what’s your number? You may have to pick him up if she freaks him out.”

“I don’t think you need to worry about that; Jae is a character himself.” I pull out my phone anyway, and I'm not missing this opportunity to get her number.

She takes my phone and puts her number in before handing it back to me. 

“Well, I’ll let you know if someone outfreaks your freak.” Oh God, please don’t call Jaehyun my freak. 

“Sounds good.” I turn to Leehan 

“I’m heading back to my dorm.” I give my attention back to y/n.

“It was nice meeting you, y/n.” 

I planned on going home for the rest of the night, going to bed, replaying our conversation repeatedly, and analyzing all the parts where I could have sounded cooler or the things I could have said to make her laugh. 

But I got a call almost 45 minutes after I returned to my room. 

“Leehan, I'm going to bed. Find another ri-”

“Woonhak?” Sweet mother of glory, it’s y/n. Why is she on Leehan’s phone?

“Are you there?” Her voice sounds slurred and unsteady, slightly rising octaves at the end of her question. 

“Yeah!- yeah. I'm here. whats up?”

“I need a ride-”

“On my way,” I say without hesitation, mentally smacking myself for saying it so quickly. 

I can hear the crowd in the back and people talking around her. As if she’s reading my mind as to why she’s calling from Leehan’s phone, I hear her a bit distant from the phone. Her voice is pouty, and it causes a smile to form on my face.  

“My phone died. " The phone call ends, and I am out the door before I even receive a text from Leehan’s phone. 

“I'm hungry, too.” Guessing it was Y/N who still had Leehan’s phone texting, I looked up places open around the campus that I could mention to her. 

And now we are here. Sitting in a parking lot for a burger joint, both of us are in the backseat while our shared fry basket sits in front of us, and burgers are in our hands. 

“I’m sorry I called you and you had to pick up like… a total stranger.”

“No, you’re good. And you’re not a stranger; you're y/n.” She glances at me before she laughs.

“Oh my god.”

“What?”

“That was cheesy.”

“What?”

“What you just said.”

I tilt my head and smile, slightly shaking my head, before taking another bite of my burger. A moment of silence passes as we eat.

“You were talking about the burger, right?” I joke, and it lands, causing her to laugh again. This time, she throws a fry at me and shakes her head. 

“No really, you’re good. I wasn’t busy.” 

She smiles, and ketchup is on the corner of her mouth, full of food. Given her drunken state, I'm still very impressed by how well she eats the burger. 

I grab the napkin from my lap and lean over to wipe it from her. She moves back, and i jolt back into my place.

“What are you doing?”

“OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY I DIDN-”

“Were you just trying to kiss me?”

“NO, I WAS TRYING TO-”

“I don't think our first kiss should be after eating burgers.”

“WIPE THE..SIde..of your mouth…”

We both blink at each other, both processing what the other said. A smile and a shade of shared embarrassment creeps up on both of our faces. 

“Sorry, I just-”

“No! It’s okay. I was-”

“Yeah, we-

“Yeah.”

“Yeah…”

The car went silent once again, and we anxiously ate our burgers. 

“The- um... it’s still…is it okay if i?-”

“Oh! Yeah!- yeah-”

“Okay-” I lean over with the napkin again, wiping her face before returning to my spot again.

“I wouldn’t… have cared if you tried to kiss me. Don't get me wrong i-”

“The burger, yeah-”

“Yeahhh…”

“Wait you don’t have?...” she cocks her head to the side.

“A boyfriend?”

“WHA-”

“I'M SORRY- NOT THAT I THINK YOU’D BE UNLOYAL- I JUST-”

“WHO SAID THAT?”

“LEEHAN SAID YOU MIGHT-”

“Nooooo, no no nooo..I don't.” She shakes her head. And I nod slowly.

“Have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, yeah...” Silence is starting to feel like a third party because it keeps returning. 

“And you don’t have-”

“No! No…no no no…” I shake my head, and she nods slowly.

“This isn’t... awkward, is it?”

“No, not at all.” I shake my head, letting a small smile appear, and she reciprocates it.

“Okay, yeah, good...”

“Good...”

“...”

“...”

“This is awkward-” she choked out.

“It is.” She bursts out laughing, and I join her. 

Everything I thought about her with confidence turned out to be wrong. She’s just as nervous as I am. 

“Same time again next weekend? You know, with me a little more sober?”

“What?”

“I'm asking you on a date.”

She’s so forward. Maybe she isn’t like me because I can feel the car getting hot, and my hands become sweaty. 

“Yeah… yeah…”

“Okay….okay good.” she smiles. 

Thank you, Jaehyun, for being too drunk to drive home for parties.

[taesanstrustfund]

Drunken spiral [Myung.J]

Song: M2M by CODY JON

Synopsis: is Jaehyun spiraling because he’s tipsy at a party with his best friend? Or is he realizing that things are unusually romantic between the two of you?

[College au, Pathetic Jaehyun, fluff, college party, drink confession? non- idol au!]

[word count: 2.5k]

Warnings: alcohol, hidden innuendoes of freaky, cursing.

an: i wrote this fic for my friend, but i like the way it turned out so i hope you enjoy it too! I just bought an Ihan pc im so excited I never pull him. anyways, aweeee Jaehyun! *insert jaehyuns 'i love you!'*

“I saw that post of you and your girlfriend! You guys looked so cutteee.”

“How are things between you and your girlfriend?”

“Hey, where’s your girlfriend?”

Holy shit. 

During this entire party, I’ve been asked questions using the hidden bullet of a word. Girlfriend. 

I’m two drinks in, and I’ve been standing in the corner after excusing myself from the group of people gathered in the living room of some random person's parents' house. 

I don’t consider myself a lightweight, but I think the spiraling mindset I'm in right now is adding to the effect of the alcohol. I’m sweating without moving, my heart is racing, and my knees are weak. All the while, I watch the person I’ve been asked about this entire night dance mindlessly in the middle of the sweaty bodies while music plays. 

y/n.

My mind won't stop thinking of all the logical reasons some of the people—no, all of these people here—think y/n and I are together. 

We have matching rings? She wears her on her middle finger to give herself a reason to flip me off, she said. I wear mine on my ring finger. Not that I consider it a proposal! It just fits better on that finger.

We got them while going on a school trip back in senior year. They are stupid gold and silver New York City rings that have an engraving of the city on the band. We got them at the airport when we were heading to our gate to head home. We hadn’t bought anything cause everything was so expensive, so we wanted to share our memories in New York with something. So we got rings. Matching rings.

The clerk at the counter smiled at us and said,

“Cute,” while giving us a look as if we were two awkward teenagers in love. Y/n giggled, but I avoided eye contact with Y/n the rest of the way home. 

Or it could be when we were forced to return to our dorms in the first year of college because security caught us out past curfew. We were at a gazebo celebrating the fact that we had passed our first exam. Of course, she got an A-, but I got a C+. Considering my grade history regarding testing, it was good enough for me to celebrate with her. 

That wasn’t the only time we were forced back to our dorms that year. It had finally snowed, and y/n loves the snow. She called me at 1:00 AM, whispering loudly for me to come outside and saying she was waiting. The snow was cold that night, but I immediately felt myself heat up when I went down and saw her. The snowflakes in her hair, sitting on her like a crown, her pink nose and cheeks, her eyes were glossy, and the lights from the walkway made them sparkle more than usual. Her lips were pink, too. Her lips were pink and dry. She complained about them, and I gave her my chapstick. She used my chapstick. Weirdly enough, the strawberry chapstick flavor has been my favorite ever since. We wouldn’t have gotten caught without her starting a snowball fight, even though the snow was too soft to mold into shape. I let her hit me more and pretended to sulk about it. It made her laugh.

Her laugh..

Or when we posted a picture of us in 4 movie theaters within 2 hours. We paid for a ticket to watch a new movie that we wanted to see, but it couldn’t hold our interest. It couldn't make her sit still, and I couldn’t pay attention the moment the movie lighting hit her face, and I could see her eyes. The light made her look youthful and childlike when she smiled when she realized she finished the drink before the trailers stopped, making her laugh even more when she realized she needed to use the bathroom as the movie started. I walked with her to the toilet, waiting outside of it. When she came out, she grabbed me by the wrist and hit my shoulder to crouch down, sneak past the front counter, and walk into another theatre room. 

She pulled me into the random movie showing, heading up to the front row. 

“The movie was boring,” she smiled while leaning into it. I nodded because I was only watching it in the reflection of her eyes. I missed occasional parts of trailers and the beginning because she laughed and closed her eyes. She has lovely lashes. 

Could it be when she moved her ring to her ring finger as we walked into a diner with a board sign outside the front entrance reading “married couples eat free from 12:30-2:00.”

She linked her arms around mine, and I remember shivering. All the while, I felt beads of sweat on my forehead from our walk in the late spring heat. 

The waitress looked skeptical of us coming in, y/n announcing that we are married with her chest. 

“You seem a little young to be married, don't you think?” the waitress smiles, hand on her hip.

“He just couldn’t wait to have me, I guess.” That was the first time I think I ever choked on nothing. I coughed into my elbow while trying to hide my face turning red. The waitress laughed at my reaction, and y/n turned to me to say something.

“Uh- I- yeah. I guess I was getting impatient.” Jesus Christ, I had never been more embarrassed when I heard my voice break while thinking of marrying y/n. 

That was the same day she mentioned moving into an apartment off campus for our junior year and splitting the rent. I didn’t have to walk to her dorm building daily, she noted, making a sly comment while leaning her head on her hands, which rested on her knees as we sat on the beach, looking at the waves crash in. 

“You know, since we’re married and all.” She held her hand up with the ring still sitting pretty on her ring finger. I wanted to sink into the sand.

I always considered myself the ocean, trying hard to reach land but pulling back when you get too close. It's a euphoric feeling that you just keep coming back repeatedly. 

Was it the time we kissed at a party playing truth or dare with our friends? Sure, it wasn’t a tiny peck, and she went for it first. Her lips were smooth, and I could taste the chapstick she had used before we got to the hangout, the same strawberry one that kissed her lips before mine that snowy night outside the dorms. She moved her lips. She moved. Her lips. It wasn't a peck. It wasn't anything, but it wasn’t nothing at the same time. It had to be something, by the way I could feel her breath on my mouth after she pulled back. I’m glad she did, because I don't think I could move. She smiled and patted my shoulder while returning to her spot, fixing the clear chapstick wax smudging around her lips with her thumb. I had to look away. I ended up excusing myself to the bathroom to calm down, splash water on my face, wait for my face to be less red, or hide my hot ears. After the silent drive back to our shared apartment off campus, I thought about the kiss that night. I immediately told her I was tired and almost ran to my room. It was a kiss, but we aren’t together or anything.

I don't like her like that or anything.

I write about her in my songs because it comes naturally, and that's only because I am around her so much, right? Because I know her so well, being the reason I can make the lyrics flow so naturally? And my parents expect her to be with me every time we go home; wherever I am, she is. It’s more the other way around, I'm sure. 

Her parents welcomed me into their family, but we grew up together. They have seen me enough to replace the guest title with family, right? Having a spare key to a best friend's parents' house is normal, right? Getting invited to family events or both dinner tables going from having an extra chair added for visits to having a permanent seat at the table? It’s all normal, and some people don’t understand it's all platonic. 

The way I see her is platonic; it is strictly friends just being… friends. 

The wall behind me is vibrating from music, almost matching my knees shaking as I think more and more, sending myself into a spiral in the middle of a night that was supposed to be celebrating spring break. 

I have to breathe, I have to calm down. She looks so good right now, but- in a friendly way. You know? Like…like she’s very..pretty? Shit. 

I set my drink on a random table, not planning to return to it, and I head towards the bathroom upstairs. 

I close it behind me, repeating to myself that it's just the alcohol kicking in. 

Matching rings

Late-night gazebo celebration 

Strawberry chapstick 

“The movie was boring.”

“He just couldn’t wait to have me, I guess.”

“You know, since we’re married and all.”

Ring finger.

The kiss

Oh, god, the kiss. I miss it. 

The breath after she pulled away.

She wiped the chapstick off her mouth.

I want it. 

I need it.

Share keys to each other's family homes.

Sharing an apartment. 

Holy shit. 

I splash cold water on my face, holding it in my palms for a few minutes before coming up to breathe. I’m drowning; I can't think straight.

Drunk words equal sober thoughts.

Fuck no.

These are sober thoughts with a drunken realization. 

I like y/n. I need her. Do I have her? I do don't i? 

Matching rings

Late-night gazebo celebration 

Strawberry chapstick 

Shit this could ruin everything, she could hate me.

“The movie was boring.”

“He just couldn’t wait to have me, I guess.”

“You know, since we’re married and all.”

My heart is racing, and i can only think of her right now.

Ring finger.

The kiss

Her mouth was soft- stop thinking about it!

The breath after she pulled away.

She wiped the chapstick off her mouth.

How can I go home to her after this? How can I go home to her? How can I go home to…her? This is a lot and too much to bear right now. I don’t know what to do. Why can’t I stand straight? The room is spinning. Is it supposed to be doing that?

Knock, knock.

“Jaehyun?”

y/n. She followed me up here? She saw me? Fuck! Does she know?

“Jae, are you okay?” She sounds like honey. She sounds like the waves crashing on the shore, like the spring breeze, like the sugar she puts in her coffee. She sounds so perfect, making me melt right in front of the mirror. I see myself melting at her voice. 

I opened the door faster than I could comprehend, causing her to move back a little. 

“You okay? Too much to drink?” she smiles, stepping closer.

“Yeah…yeah.” I’m trying to steady my breathing. Her cheeks are red from dancing. I can smell her perfume. I can smell the hairspray, the same one that is almost the scent of her bedroom when she gets ready in the morning and I wait for her to go to class. 

“Did you bring your chapstick? My lips are dry again.” She laughs while stepping into the bathroom, brushing past me a bit. I almost fainted. 

She's standing in front of me now, fixing her hair in the mirror. I reach into my pocket and pull out the strawberry chapstick I keep just for her now, holding it up behind her and showing her in the mirror. 

“You’re the best.” She smiles and turns slightly to grab it from my hands.

I watch her apply it. First the bottom lip, then the top. She moves her lips together, and I just watch. She does the same thing she’s always done, licking the strawberry flavor slightly off her lips before applying more. It’s killing me. It's eating me alive. 

“y/n” I need it again.

All she could get out was a “hm?” before I turned her around to face me, and I kissed her. My hands ball the fabric of her dress as my hands are around her hips. I don't move; I can’t. If she doesn’t move, she doesn't want this; if she does, I think I’ll die right here. 

Her back relaxes and moves towards me more, my body incoherently moving back to the wall. She brings her hand to my stomach, and I can feel it move up my chest painfully slowly. Is she pushing me off? 

I pull away, my eyes wide, and I can feel myself sobering up from the tipsy feeling. 

“Fuck, im sorry-” 

I couldn't even get my pathetic apology out before she closed the door and moved her hands to my hair, lips back on mine. 

The strawberry chapstick is familiar; her breath is home. 

It’s messy, but it’s soft at the same time. I move my hands to her face, trying to pull her closer to me in any way I can. This is euphoric. This is the waves finally meeting the land. This is the snow falling on her as the light hits her eyes. Her matching ring moved to her ring finger. This is perfect. That is everything. 

I can't think, but I think I'm floating. I have to be levitating, ascending into the heavens as i feel her tongue slightly graze mine. Jesus Christ, I might just-

“I love you.” I breathe out desperately, breaking the kiss.

Oh, God, I'm pathetic. I'm so pathetic over this woman. 

She holds her smile in until she laughs, resting her head on my chest while her shoulders bounce. I ruined it. My face is straight in the mirror, hair looking crazy from her pulling it slightly, ears are red, and i look like a god damn virgin that just got his first make out. 

“I love you too, Jae. C’mon, people were asking me where my boyfriend went.” She opens the door, but I'm stuck in place. Her hand is on my wrist, pulling me out.

“Boyfriend?” my voice is a desperate whine, and I can feel my face heat up at the sound of it. 

“That’s okay with you, right?” She looks at me before stopping at the top of the stairs, and I nod like a puppy begging for a treat that's being waved in front of him.

She'd tease me if she could see the stupid, goofy smile that took over my face if she turned around. 

Did everyone know but me?

[taesanstrustfund]

Girl Next Door [h.taesan] p.2

Synopsis: A new girl moves into the neighborhood and it just so happens to be the house right next to han dongmin’s. He has no interest in the stranger, but she has interest in him. Its spring break for senior year and this would be the perfect time for Dongmin to work on his self-projects, but it looks like he works on self-discovery through the rest of the school year and summer instead. With both Teens working through life, broken family dynamics, and future dreams, they end up making summer more than what it should have been before college.

[ before college au!!, non-idol au!!, fluff, coming-of-age taesan, angst ]

Warnings: broken family, cursing, mentions loss of siblings, absent parents, smoking, drinking! (i’ll put the specific warning before the chapter!!)

AN: when I make more chapters I’ll make a master list! Don’t worry about drag chapters, I like make sure the characters are the main point of the story, so I will jump a bit in the future! Just be aware. Thank you for reading, you are all so cool!

Chapter two. [y/n]

Just as I expected…

His room is so sad and boyish. The greyish blue walls are barely covered with pictures or posters. He’s got shelves, but they barely hold a handful of things. His room is vast, though, compared to mine. I’m a bit jealous.

Was it stupid to go through his window? Absolutely. Would I do it again? I will, most likely tomorrow. It’s not like this friendship will blossom into anything crazy.

I’ll be lucky if we hang out before my mom decides to move again. She is always running from the past while I’m tripping on the now, trying to keep up while still enjoying my youth.

We’ve moved seven times in the last five years. It’s not that the places we stayed at were bad or that we couldn’t afford them; it’s more that my mom can never settle. She’s never comfortable with anything anymore.

After my dad left the family, she’s been a mess. He left when I was eight, and it’s been 10 years since I’ve seen or heard from him. He’s made no effort to contact me unless my mom hides it. My mom always drinks and cries about it. She never thoroughly explained what happened, but just repeated that she didn’t hate him; she just wished he could have taken her with him.

I’ve tried asking why he left, but she shakes her head and dodges the question with a sour look before closing herself off for a few days. I’ve learned to stop asking and just started making things up.

Maybe he left for another woman. When I bring him up, she winces at the image of starting a family and living happily with them.

Maybe he passed away, or he followed the wrong crowd?

Maybe he’s just living a completely different life, and I have no idea.

Maybe he’s an alien.

Whatever it is, I want to find out. But I also don’t because I can’t be mad at a man I don’t know. And my mom has never said anything bad about him, at least not in front of me. She gets upset, cries, and tells me he was a good man and she’s still proud of him.

The only thing I can remember about him was the key tattooed on his wrist, covered in ivy, to match the lock with flowers my mom has on her wrist.

I remember him being good at cheering me up. Making up stories and reading me his creations and what he jots down.

Maybe he’s a writer. Ghost writer? I’m not sure. But he had a talent for making my mom laugh. I can’t do the same, but I try my best. I know she sees him in me and tries hard not to resent me.

I lay on my bare floor, boxes surrounding me in my new room. The walls are still ugly, plain white, echoing my breathing. It is painfully quiet.

My phone dings, and I sit up to check the notification. I make sure it’s not my mom, drunk and upset again by the new empty house, reflecting how she feels.

(Xxx-xxx-xxxx)

“Never crawl through my window again.”

I read the text from the random number and smile, turning on my stomach to type out my message.

“Sorry, not sorry. You’re room is boring.”

“It’s my room.”

“It’s still boring.”

“Ok.”

Man, that's a Tough crowd.

“So Dongmin, tell me about yourself.”

“I’m good.”

“Nonchalant.”

“Just don’t have an interest in starting anything with you.”

“And yet you texted.”

The message bubble popped up before he left me on read for a few minutes.

“Bye.”

“Don’t say bye if you’ll be back around. Goodnight. .”

I turn my phone off, letting my face sink in the tingling feeling of the commercial carpet that needs to be replaced. It’s rough like gravel, almost grainy, but I don’t feel like moving from my position, letting the carpet mark my face with an abstract pattern.

I should change these out. My mom swears this is the last time we move houses or towns. How much of myself can I put into this room, this house, before I have it taken from me, too?

I lift my face from the carpet, taking a deep breath of cleaner air than the old dirt floor I inhaled. I turn on my phone and search for paint places around the area.

I want to trust my mom's word, so I'm setting my room up the way I've always wanted it, adding pieces of me to it so I can make it feel like home—finally have some place to call home.

I found the perfect shade of yellow, which I’ve always loved. I can finally buy posters of everything I like and put them on my walls and my door. I’ve always wanted to print out photos of characters. I enjoy filling the almost lonely feeling of not having a structure to lean on.

I hate nighttime. All I do is think. There is no sun, no light; it's all dark and quiet, and I hate dark and silent. I think too much for my own good and try not to upset myself, but I can't help the thought of wanting to be secure in one place. Find friends and experience things like high school instead of homeschool.

I want friends.

I want someone to want my company.

The boy next door, Dongmin. I want you to be my friend.

———————

The unfamiliar smell of bacon in the morning leads me downstairs to the kitchen. My mom has her hippy pants on, her hair up in a bun, and an old t-shirt I’ve seen her wear almost my entire life. 

“Mornin’,” she smiles as she peeks behind her when she hears my footsteps. 

“Cooking already? I thought you hated making breakfast,” I joked as I sat at the table littered with books and papers from the movie, along with my mom's work. 

“I thought I might try it since this is our place now. New house, new me.” I almost choked with laughter.

“You’ve said that too many times now; at least make it believable,” she scoffed, but she smiled afterward.

“I'm serious. I like this town; I heard the neighborhood is quiet, and I can finally work peacefully. There are all kinds of things you can go and do around here, about a 40-minute drive to the beach if you wanna go, no kids to worry about-” 

“There’s a boy next door.” I cut her rambles off.

“Oh?...” she slows her talking speed and lets silence fall only for a few seconds.

“Do you like him?” she teases me. I knew she would ask this; she always does when I make friends with guys.

“he’s a bit grumpy for someone who looks my age.”

“You should be his friend. Mrs.Chen didn’t call you ‘Yue’ for nothing.”

Mrs.Chen was our neighbor about three houses ago. She loved me for some reason, always bringing me candy, sweets, and food while I worked on school. My mom sent me to her place when she was having a rough night. She was a fantastic lady, the closest thing I had to family besides my mom.

She bought groceries for me when I was at her house, drinks I liked, and snacks I enjoyed. She almost took me in as her own when my mom couldn’t be my mom sometimes because she was too sad. 

I would help her clean her house and get all the high places, decorate for Chinese New Year, and even give me a red and bao during events she hosted or Chinese New Year. 

She was old and couldn’t do much by herself. I always told her to sit down and relax, and I’d take care of it.

She would say that she'd never seen me upset, even when I didn't have the best conditions for a kid growing up. No, dad, my mom is hurt, I’m moving constantly, and I don't have any structure. She started calling me “Yue,” which means “pleased.” 

The more I was around her, the more I picked up on the names she would call me. It was always “yue” but when she would catch me being hyper she’d call me softly saying “xǐyuè.” which means “happy” or “joyful” but other times when she saw me brushing off behavior from others, or even saw me keep a smile on my face while telling her about my worries, she’d say im stubborn and call me “qǔ yuè” which means “to try to please.” she would see straight through me. 

When we moved, she was the hardest goodbye.

“I hope she's okay. She can’t do all that stuff by herself.” My voice is quiet as I think about her. 

My mom doesn’t say much, I think, to keep me happy. I prefer it that way. After we moved, I was angry with my mom for the first time. I didn't want to call Mrs.Chen my friend, because she was closer to me than that. She was more like my grandmother. 

I still remember her face lighting up when she heard me greet her by Nǎinai.

“Finish getting dressed. We have a lot of unpacking to do today.” She turns and shoots me a quick, apologetic smile before putting her focus back on the stove. 

I give half of a smile before moving from the chair and heading back upstairs to my room. 

I’ve lived in apartments and duplexes, but we’ve never had a house fully to ourselves. It feels so big, and I don’t know how we will have things to fill it up. You need a whole family for that, right? 

I throw on my jorts and a graphic tee shirt of ponyo. It's been one of my favorite Studio Ghibli films since childhood. Some of my favorite chunky sneakers while my socks that peak out are mismatched. 

I’m about to head out the room when I see Dong Min through my window. He’s shutting and locking his window. I reach for my phone and text him. 

“You shut your window?”

“Don’t want people crawling through it.” 

Oh, he wants me so bad. I made myself giggle and decided to text an invite to help with the house. 

“Wanna help paint my room today?”

“Busy.”

I roll my eyes and huff. 

“Grumpy.” 

“U sound like my mom.” 

“Let’s be friends.”

“No.”

“Please”

“No”

“If you leave your window open, I’ll take it as an invite to bother you.”

“Good to know that you’re aware you’re bothering me.” 

“Open window = invite. Remember that. I’m going to get paint now. You should come with” 

“No”

“Worth a shot. K baiii!!! ^u^”

————

Who would have thought that picking out paint would be so much fun? I collected a handful of paint color sample papers, just because. 

The town is really pretty. In a couple of weeks, a fairground will open during the weekends. I’m hoping that by the time it opens, I’ll finally have Dong Min warm up to me. 

I don’t have a hard time making friends; it’s just keeping them when I can only talk to them through the phone, that’s the hard part. Quality time together is essential to me since I never seem to get it with anyone. 

I will admit, I’ve never had a problem with people warming up to me super fast or right off the bat, wanting to be friends. But Dong-Min, something is off about him. Not in a bad way, but he seems…heavy? He doesn’t act like a kid, I guess. He seems more mature. Not that it’s a bad thing, but adult stress on a kid is probably the worst burden mentally. 

As I get home and carry the paint cans up the stairs, I hear my mom's Green Day blasting from her Bluetooth speaker. 

I can feel the handle creating a temporary molding in my hand as I near the top. I set the cans down on the floor before pushing them with my feet while wiping my hands off my pants. 

Moving everything is going to take a lot of work. My mom and I had some moving guys take the heavy stuff upstairs before we got to the house and unloaded our truck. 

I decided to give it one last try. 

“Man, these boxes are reaaaaaallllyyy hard to move. If only there were a nonchalant neighbor who doesn’t want to be friends, could come over and help me move them.” 

I hit send and sat on the floor, scrolling through my music app before returning to my favorite band, 'The Band Camino.' 

I move some more minor things to the center of the room and try not to get distracted by the trinkets I have stored away. 

The mirror leaning in the corner of my room is watching my half performance during my songs before I hear my mom call for me. 

Opening my bedroom door, I’m greeted by a wanted familiar face. 

“I’ll help you move your stuff, and that’s it.” 

Dongmin stands in my doorway, wearing flannel over a plain white tee and washed-out jeans. His hands are hidden in his front pocket as he looks seriously at me. 

“I felt your aura before I opened the door.” 

He furrows his brows, not a twitch from his mouth that seems stuck in a constant frown. 

“Okay.” Jesus Christ, does this guy ever carry a conversation? 

He walks into the room, angling his body so he doesn’t get closer to me than needed. Hurtful. He looks around and sees the bedding against the wall, the boxes stacked, and me standing staring at him. 

“I’m painting my room.” 

“Figured.” 

“Wanna help?” 

“Busy” 

“I’ll buy us pizza.” 

“I already said I’m busy.” 

I shrugged and turned my speaker up more while listening to “See You Later” by the band Camino. I was moving boxes so my mattress could sit on the floor. 

Dongmin moved my bookshelves away from the wall and moved pieces of my metal bed frame around. 

Afraid of the dark comes up on shuffle, and I get distracted. Singing along while dancing around. 

“Hey!” I turned around and saw him standing by the bed frame. I got the memo and walked over to help him pick it up and move it. We took it out into the hallway and lean it against the wall. 

Moving all the boxes and furniture only took about 20 minutes, but it’s killing me that not a single conversation was held. 

“Thank you; you’re totally awesome,” I say, smiling while panting. Physical activity, especially lifting, was not my strongest attribute. 

“I’m heading home now.” 

“Wait! Do you want pizza? I can pay. We can get whatever you want on it. No judgment.” I hold my hands up to surrender to the unknown fact that I’m a picky eater, but I’m willing to compromise my safety toppings. 

“No thanks. I only came over cause my mom said to help.”

“You told your mom about me already? Jeez, okay.” I cheese with a stupid pose, hoping to get something out of him. 

“No. I told her there were new neighbors.”

“Oh, I think I saw her carrying two little kids-“

“She’s not my mom.” Oh? Stepmom? 

“Step mom?” 

“Barely.” 

“Gotcha,” I pursed my lips, feeling like I had touched on a sensitive topic. The silence was a bit deafening for me, hearing my playlist hit its end and my music shut off. 

“Well, let me at least have a way to thank you for helping.” 

“No breaking my room.” 

“But we already made the rule of the window open = invitation.”

“You came up with that.”

“You agreed!”

“I didn’t respond to that part.”

“So it's not a no.” I smile a little, waiting for my answer. 

 “I'm not liable for any injuries you get from climbing between houses.” He gives a slow blink, keeping the same straight face. I don't think he ever smiles. 

“Deal!” I shove my hand towards him to shake on it. 

He looks at my hand and back at me, giving me a thumbs up. I roll my eyes a bit and grab his hand, shaking it. His hands are bigger than mine, which I expected. But they are softer than I thought they’d be. 

“Your hands are soft. What lotion do you use?” 

He walks out of the room. I follow him just to the doorway and yell over my mom's music.

“Next time, use the window! You’ll feel so much cooler!”

“No next time!” he gets to the bottom of the steps and walks to the front door before opening it and returning to his house.

[taesanstrustfund]

Girl Next Door [h.taesan]

Synopsis: A new girl moves into the neighborhood and it just so happens to be the house right next to han dongmin’s. He has no interest in the stranger, but she has interest in him. Its spring break for senior year and this would be the perfect time for Dongmin to work on his self-projects, but it looks like he works on self-discovery through the rest of the school year and summer instead. With both Teens working through life, broken family dynamics, and future dreams, they end up making summer more than what it should have been before college.

[ before college au!!, non-idol au!!, fluff, coming-of-age taesan, angst ]

Warnings: broken family, cursing, mentions loss of siblings, absent parents, smoking, drinking! (i’ll put the specific warning before the chapter!!)

AN: This was a book I was writing called Zola and sawyer, but I decided to turn it into a Taesan fanfic!! Maybe now I’ll finish it, I hope you enjoy it! This book will be switching perspectives each chapter. It’s cliche but i love seeing the different thoughts when it comes to to different characters sharing one moment!!

Chapter one . [h.taesan]

I never thought I’d see the day someone moved into that house. I'm sure it's been well over 2 years since anyone has made an offer on the lot next to me. It’s not a bad house, it will just take a lot of elbow grease to make it look good on the inside and most people who move into this neighborhood, don't have time for that. They all Wake up, have breakfast, 9-5, come home to kids, dinner, and bed. That's the usual routine here.

It’s great for the moms who want to get away from their kids after raising them all night, and great for the fathers to avoid their wives bickering for not helping them with the kids, or that could just be.

I have 3 siblings, but only 2 get acknowledged because they are still here. It’s shitty really; the way the world just keeps on going when someone passes away, and over time it’s like people don't even try to keep up with honoring them anymore. Almost becomes a chore to not have an out-of-sight, out-of-mind mentality with it.

I shouldn’t be paying any mind to who’s moving in next door, but I’m nosy. I'm also just avoiding my dad who got home with the twins, let are now running around downstairs screaming after being picked up from a babysitters house. My dad’s girlfriend is playing classical music through the speaker while she makes them dinner. Possibly another keto diet recipe I won't be able to stand so I will need to pick something up to eat.

The two twins are a little boy and a girl named Ronny and Rachel, picked out by my dad’s girlfriend, Janice, who is 14 years younger than him. They are 5 years old and are the most spoiled brats I've ever seen. While My dad goes to work, Janice attends pilates class and spends his money, maxing his cards but testifying that she needed the stuff she bought. I wish my dad would get a grip sometimes. Maybe not go back to the way things were before the ground was ripped out from under our family's feet, but just come to his senses. We used to be close to each other. Listen to music and even talked about starting a garage band, me, him, and my brother Dong-san.

My dad moved on fast from my mom after they divorced. All they did was argue after Dong-san passed away. My mom felt guilty but my dad felt angry and when they were in the same room together, you could feel the tension of the bomb before the soundwave of the arguing started.

My mom is a sweet lady. She is very soft-spoken, always has been, except for the loss of her son of course. She lives 2 hours away from my dad and lives on a farm, like she dreamed of as a kid. She has a koi pod she is very happy with and lives alone because she says the koi fish make her happy and keep her company with their high-maintenance care. I visit my mom every other weekend, but I wish I could stay longer.

There was no school for me to transfer to where my mom is, so the court asked for me to stay with my dad for the time I was in high school. It’s my senior year now, thankfully I don't have much here anyway and I can go to college for film and directing, doing my best to live out Dong-san’s dream. After this spring break, I’ll be submitting my project to the academy I want to attend.

I should be editing what’s left of my film from this weekend, but I'm sitting here watching this girl and her mom move boxes from the truck. I can't see too much, the house is right next to mine, leaving space for the tree in the middle of the windows that are leveled the same. I can only see a sliver of the driveway and the back end of the truck, the door slid halfway up while some boxes were still evident even with them at this for the past hour and a half.

I can’t remember the last time I saw another kid in this neighborhood, it was always just my brother and I. We used to knock on the doors of our neighbors and ask if they wanted to play catch with us while our dad would work but-

“D’you have fun watching us struggle with the boxes?” I hear a voice call from in front of me, a few feet away.

I turn my attention to the soft sound and I see a girl, with long brown hair, with a rich mocha coloring to it. It has natural waves but some pieces curl on their own and it frames the face nicely. Almost like the hairstyle with choppy layers was made for her.

She has a green t-shirt on, but judging by how high the neckline goes up to her, it’s too small for her. I remember her wearing a pair of baggy shorts, almost like she didn't know how to shop for her size.

“Oh shit, do you not talk?” she half-jokes and half-makes a serious question while covering her mouth a bit, teeth showing signs of having braces in the past.

I don’t bother answering her, not knowing what to say but not caring at the same time.

“What’s your name?” she asks me, leaning against the window sill. From what I can see, there are boxes stacked behind her, and white walls that could use another coat.

“C’mon, we are going to be window buddies. At least give me your name.” he huffs, a piece of her wavy hair falling in her face.

“Dong-min” I keep my voice monotone, trying to let her know I'm not interested in whatever she is trying to form with me.

“Y/n,” she greets herself,

“Nice to meet you dong-min.” she smiles at me.

“Don’t be a perve and stare through my window.” I stand up and shut my curtains, not wanting to continue a conversation anymore. I need to work on editing my videos. I need to have my self-project done by the end of the spring break so I can submit it to the film school I’ve been looking at for the past 5 years.

—----------

The sun was clearing from the sky, hitting 7:30 pm. I had just gotten back from picking up some food from the small convenience store, a few blocks away- which has become my go-to for meals.

I head back up to my room with ease. Janice and my dad were busy playing with the twins out back. Janice helping Rachel down the slide while my dad has Ronny use Dong-san’s old glove while they play catch. Dong-san’s glove now has tear spots from Ronny peeling at it when he’s bored. I already had my moments about that with Dad. It always ends with me screaming that I want to live with me and going up to my room.

Upstairs held one bathroom and two bedrooms. When I was younger, upstairs used to be my brother and I’s area. He took the bigger bedroom considering he was 4 years older than me.

Since our family’s split, the one respectable thing my dad has done was stay away from Dongsan’s bedroom. Nothing has been touched, everything is still in the same spot Dong-san left it. Frozen in time.

I keep his door closed, afraid his scent would escape and it would lose its warmth. I only go into his room when I have a hard time, or when I need inspiration or advice. I refuse to talk to my dad about anything and I don't want to worry my mom.

I walk into my room and close the door, setting my grocery bag at my desk. I may have a smaller room compared to my brothers, but I still have a lot of space. I have my bed, my desk up against the wall by my window, and a TV stand but no TV, I broke it after I accidentally deleted my brother's video file of him teaching me the guitar. I’ve just never replaced it, and I never really have much motivation to watch anything on it anyway. I have a futon with clothes draped over it, mostly dirty laundry I haven't done yet. And I have a dresser with a bookshelf next to it. It’s only filled with CDs and vinyls.

I plop down on the chair I pulled from my desk and spin it to face my food in the plastic bag. I usually watch videos on my phone or listen to music while I eat, but I think I’d prefer silence today.

“Hey, taesan!” I hear from out my window. It’s the girl next door again.

“Look at the paper!” I hear her yell from her window. I looked down and sure enough, she’d thrown a paper airplane into my room. When? I don't know. I wonder if she just did it or if I walked past it when I got back to my room.

I roll my chair over a bit to where the paper is before picking it up and unfolding it.

“Add me on text (xxx-xxx-xxxx)” No way she just sent her number through my window on a paper airplane. Lame.

“Hey! Did you get it?”

“Yeah.” I crumble it up and throw it in my trash bin as I roll back to my desk to eat my gas station meal.

“Text me! I wanna talk about something.” yeah right.

—---------------

This is stupid. Stupid and irratating.

It’s 1:45 am and I’ve been tossing and turning all night but my body won't relax for shit. I’ve tried turning my fan on, I’ve tried kicking the blankets off my bed, opening my window, and changing into thinner clothes, but nothing is working. It’s hot in my room and no breeze is helping.

If I can't sleep, then maybe I could work on editing my videos a bit more. With the senior year ending soon, I need to figure out what I'm going to film after this.

I drag my body out of bed and throw myself on the desk chair, raising it slightly to be comfortable with my keyboard. My pc light turns on and I squint my eyes and turn my head a bit to keep myself from going blind.

The paper airplane. It’s still crumbled in the trash and the moonlight from my window is hitting it to make it a dramatic scene. This could be the perfect shot right now, an opening clip. No-no closing? Maybe have a short mono-

“Hey.”

“HOLY FUCK” i wasn’t aware my voice could go that high. it's her. It's the girl next door. How the hell is she in my-

“I saw you were awake and I climbed the tree in between our windows to get to yours. Hope you don't mind, I'm bored.” what in the actual hell?

“You're breaking and entering,” I state as I move the hair from my face now, trying to catch my breath.

“No, just entering. I didn’t break anything.”

“Get out??” I scrunch my eyebrows together and look at her like she is crazy. Her hair is tied up now, only two pieces frame her face. She’s in an old worn T-shirt with pajama pants. I can smell the baby lotion she’s wearing as the breeze from outside blows through the window she's now a few inches from.

“No way, I'm bored. You’re the only kid I’ve seen since I’ve been here.”

“We’re not going to be friends”

“Best friends”

“No-”

“Lovers?” she gasps dramatically before I can say anything else. She’s very forward and has no problem with saying whatever.

“Lovers and we just met. Oh wow, that's cute. Girl next door, boy next door kind of thing.” this girl is ridiculous, she’s too much.

“You climbed that old tree?” I stand up and peer out of my window to still the tree that has been dead for almost a decade now.

“It’s stable.” she shrugs.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Thank you…so you gonna add me on text or what?”

“Get out!” she smiles. She walks over to my desk and takes one of my camera’s

“You do photography?” she spins it around in her hand, examining all the buttons and looking into the lens.

“I do-” I take the camera out of her hands and set it back on my desk. “Film.”

“Woah! Really? Can I see some of your stuff?” she smiles and walks over to my desk

“If I add you on text will you get out?” I can’t help the annoyed tone seeping into the words.

I hate people in my space, especially if they weren’t invited. She doesn't even turn to look at me as she nods. Her focus was on my bulletin board filled with brochures from different colleges with small scribbles of film ideas on notebook paper that were held up with tacks.

“And if you promise to hang out with me tomorrow.”

“Fine.”

“Great, because I’m going to need some help painting my room.” she walks back over to the window and drapes one leg out of it.

“Goodnight, window buddy!” she ducks her head under and climbs on the tree branch, grabbing onto taller ones above to guide her walk to her window.

I sit back in my chair. No way in hell that just happened.

“Text me!” She calls out as I see her climb into her window. I sigh and reach for the crumbled piece of paper in my trash bin.

She’s going to be the death of me.

[taesanstrustfund]

"love."

Sungho⁠✿☆ ⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆

(nap time weather with your best friend)

𓉞 ࣪ ˖ 🗝️ [non-idol au, fluff, college au!!]

𓉞 ࣪ ˖ 🗝️ warnings: none that I know of! [word count: 1k short and sweet!]

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♬⋆.˚[an- so sorry for the lazy writing; I finished my exam today, and studying was soooo stressful. I just needed this, if that makes sense. love my sungho<3]

☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★🛸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★🛸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★🛸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★🛸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧

It the beginning of spring and I feel a small flush of wind rush to me through Sungho’s window. I’m laying on his bed, almost ready for a nap with the way the heat from the sunlight is hitting my back and the light breeze from the fan is hitting my face.

I scrunch my leg into a fetal position to maneuver myself under the covers of his perfectly made bed. The filter for his tank that’s housing freshwater fish and plants that Leehan set up for him is running and creating a lullaby with the waterfall effect it's on.

Sungho walks back into the room, and he has his laundry basket with him, filled with fresh linen. The fabric softener filled the room as the fan picked it up, spreading to every corner.

“Nap time already?” my best friend asks. His voice is soft as he now faces his mountain of laundry that is freshly dried.

“Mmm. perfect weather,” I mumble, now moving the pillows to be more comfortable in my position.

“So, is that a no for helping with laundry?” he chuckles a bit to himself. It is quiet, though, like he already thinks I’m asleep and doesn’t want to wake me.

“Sooo busy. Sorry” I shoot him a lazy smile and turn over, back now facing him. I look out the window and see cars passing by, slowly counting them and trying to remember all the colors I see.

Days like this are my favorite with Sungho. We don’t need much communication in general to understand each other, but on these kinds of days, we just get each other. Becoming closer with each second.

It was a long week of finals, and going into senior year, you’d think I’d have my schedule for studying down. I barely got any sleep, and Sungho knows this. Bless his mother for raising him this way, because he stayed up with me every single night, studying his own things or playing music, even singing to me to help me relax.

Always as a return, I cooked dinner in his apartment he used to share with another roommate from school, but he moved into his girlfriend’s apartment not too long into the 1st semester.

Sungho and I met freshman year of college and immediately became close when we realized how alike we were in many ways.

The more I hung out with Sungho, the softer I became.

I was a tough shell to crack when it came to asking for help with school or mental health, but when Sungho was around, I could let everything out. He would let me cry and every time I stopped, he wiped my tears and gave me a break to breathe, just putting music on. Over time, he didn’t even need to ask me if I needed help, I just went to him. He has this kind of effect on people. He makes people feel calm, comfortable.

“You look pretty today, y/n” he speaks softly, just enough that I can hear him above the fan.

“Even with the bags under my eyes?” I flip onto my back and turn my head to him, watching as he folds a t-shirt neatly and adds it to the pile he’s worked up.

“Of course.” He smiles at me. Sungho has never been afraid to compliment me. He does it so often that I don’t get as flustered anymore. It’s become such a common occurrence.

When I asked him if it bothered him that I don’t react as easily anymore, all he said was

“Not really. I’m glad I could make it a natural and expected standard for you. I hope I can always help with that.” And my ears turned red after that.

“Sun?” I close one eye, the sunlight from the side not starting to interfere with my vision.

“Hm?” he hummed softly.

I move myself to the side of the bed that’s up against the wall and window. He didn’t even look my way but knew that the shuffling was an invitation to join me in the nap, which is something we did often after a stressful week. It was so easy to be comfortable and sleep well next to him.

With both eyes now closed, I feel the bed dip on the side I left open for him. The familiar scent of his cologne mixed with fresh linen now fills my nose. I feel his body move closer and feel the familiar hand push the small of my back closer to him, closing the remaining space.

My head on his shoulder, and I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head as he nestles his nose into my hair, smelling the sun bum shampoo I had bought a week ago.

He reaches into the blanket and pulls his phone from his pocket, unlocking his phone with my birthday as his password. Seconds later, I hear music playing. Our music, wave to earth.

Our favorite song, ‘Love.’ Plays and I hear him hum the melody and the vibrations in his chest mixed with his heartbeat is creating a euphoric feeling as my body fights to stay awake any longer.

“I love you,” he whispers, reminding me.

I hummed as my body fell into much-needed sleep. When Sungho and I became friends freshman year, I told him I love it when people voice things to me. Verbal affection was very important to me. And since then, there hasn’t been a day where he hasn’t complimented me, told me he loves me, or let me know he appreciates my time and company.

Mine and Sungho’s friendship was tiptoeing the line of something else with every second we spent together, and we both knew that. But for now, we enjoy the slight hints of what we both know and understand and let things breathe and play out. It’s fun, and exciting knowing it could happen any moment. But little does he know, I hear his confessions to me when he thinks I have completely fallen asleep.

[taesanstrustfund]

Radio Shack

!! [ fluff, mutual pining, college au, non-idol au] !!

word count: [4.5K]

(When a radio club brings a melody into your life.)

I almost veer onto the sidewalk, pulling into the small parking lot of a random motel. My poor white dodge dart has seen better days with my driving, but I’m sure it’s freaking out over the name that as just released on the radio, just like I am. My car is far too familiar with that name.

“Alright! You heard our new host, now playing ‘Last Night on Earth’ By Green Day.”

“You idiot.” I laugh to myself in the emptiness of my car, trying to stop the harsh lump in my throat from becoming a complete breakdown.

College. Freshman year. 

“This will be your partner. You two will operate the radio room together for station 7. Learn each other and play nice because you will be seeing a lot of each other. build a schedule, and please don’t play your mixtapes on the station.” The senior showing me around the campus says this while we walk into the radio shack.

I came to college to study music, to learn and progress in my art. I want to write and produce for big bands in the future, win a Grammy, work with directors on their movies and help with the soundtrack, etc.

I look into the room and see a dark-haired boy with a black t-shirt tucked into some washed-out jeans held up by a belt. He has slim features and resembles a cat almost. He was attractive, I will admit. He had an energy that I liked right off the bat.

Setting the bin of records down in front of him, He takes his headphones off and lets them fall around his neck. He quickly wipes his hands off, spreading the dust onto his jeans, and reaches his hand out.

“Taesan.” He presses his lips together, giving a weak effort of a smile, but I can tell he tried.

“Y/n.” I shake his hand, giving a small nod to him and turning back to the senior.

“Station 7 runs at night, so be sure to be here at least 15 minutes before airtime. It will save you the stress of setting up and picking the starter tracks. From 6:00 PM to 10:30 pm, you’ll be in here, so make sure you pack dinner or eat before.” He informs the both of us. We nod, and he hands us the two sets of keys to the shack before saying goodbye to both of us and leaving the room.

“So, how do you want this to work?” I ask, turning to face Taesan.

“What do you mean?” he says, turning his back to me, picking up the bin he set down of the old records and placing them on the shelf that is built into the wall.

“How should we make our schedule?”

“I’m okay with whatever.” Easygoing. 

“Okay then, how about the first two weeks, we both come in. Just so we can get to know each other. Maybe figure out some setlists for the station beforehand, so it’s not too much work on the night of. You know?” I suggest as I watch him move around the studio, moving boxes and messing with things.

“Sounds good to me,” I hear him grunt as he lifts a box above his waist and places it on the shelf that’s just a bit taller than him.

I sit in the red swivel chair, worn down of its faux leather, and spin around, admiring the interior. Strings of fairy lights hang above; it’s a dark room. Dark grey, almost black, walls paired with brown carpet. Built-in shelves cover the entire back wall. There is a bit of an open space between the cases and the booth.

Posters of small campus concerts and small bands are taped or pinned to the wall. Vinyls are nailed to the wall, and there is a big bulletin board that has been cleared of everything, covering the majority of the “empty” wall space. 

“Can you hand me those records on the table next to you?” Taesan brings me back to the current moment, and I nod while picking up the 4 records that were left on the table in a pile. 

“That’s a good album,” I say, handing him the stack with a Green Day record sitting on top. 

“You like Green Day?” He half smiles while reaching out and grabbing the records. 

“Ew, don’t be that guy. Yes, I like Green Day; they are very popular,” he laughs and steps down from the small stool he was using to place the rest of the records on the top shelf. 

“No, I don’t mean it like that,” he smiles, eyes closing a bit as he lets an airy laugh out. 

“I meant it as; you enjoy Green Day. Some people enjoy it; some people don’t.” He wipes his hands on his pants again, clearing the dust. 

“I do.” I smile and nod, seeing how nicely his teeth are aligned from the half smile he gave me just now. 

“Favorite song?” He sits in the other worn swivel chair with a sigh. 

“Last Night on Earth. Is that too basic?” 

“Even if it is, it doesn’t mean it’s bad. That’s a good choice.” He leans against the wall with his hands resting behind his head. Something about that made him even more attractive.

“Do we come here every night?” I turn my chair to mess with things at the desk 

“We can, but I don’t think we have to. it’s just every other night.” I nodded and pulled my phone out. 

“What’s your number so I can reach you just in case? ” He grabs my phone and types in his number, sending himself a text to his phone to have my contact. 

“Thanks. I have to finish setting up my dorm, but I’ll be here tomorrow night, and we can figure out a schedule for after the two weeks together.” I stand up and smile 

“Sounds good.” He says, still leaning on the chair. His eyes are now closed, and he listens to the faint sound of music playing in the studio overhead. 

------------

“Hey, Green Day.” I received a text on my phone around 8 pm, and I had just finished setting my dorm up.

 Considering I’ll be in the studio more than anything, I don’t have many posters or things to hang up. It just took time to fold and hang my clothes up without falling asleep. My dorm mate was out all day; I didn’t even see her. Her room was set up the moment I got here, so she must have come a day early. 

“Hey,” I message back. “Nicknames already?”

“Better get used to it. What’s for dinner tomorrow?”

“Dinner?”

“Are you eating before? I was thinking of pizza if you want to eat it in the studio.” 

“How sweet, eager to have dinner with me already.”

“Easy now, senior just said to play it nice. Besides, you said you want to get to know each other the next two weeks.” 

I did say that, didn’t I? 

“Pizza is good, just no weird toppings.” 

“Adding the weirdest toppings. Goodnight Green Day” 

“Goodnight, Taesan.” 

Shutting off my phone, I crawl under my covers, my body finally relaxing and enjoying the somewhat comfortable dorm bed. I plug in my phone, letting it charge while I reach over and unplug my iPod and headphones. I’ve kept the same iPod since I was a kid, changing songs on it every once in a while, of course. 

I shuffle through my songs and settle for ‘Look after you’ by The Fray. I put the Ipod under my pillow and close my eyes, listening to the music, enjoying the instrumentals, the mood, the lyrics, creating a scene in my head to fall asleep to. 

—------------

“It’s 6:05. What happened to coming 15 minutes early?” Taesan teases as I walk in the door, my backpack slung over one shoulder and my jacket barely hanging onto my other shoulder. 

“Oh please, we don't air till next Friday.” I smile and shake my head, shutting the door and turning to lock it. 

                  The smell of pizza filled the room, and I saw he had started making the studio his own. There were pictures on the once-empty bulletin board of concerts, tickets to bands, and a picture of him with a Daphne blue guitar.

                  Taesan and I got along very well. We talked casually to each other by the end of the night as if we had grown up with each other. We were both sitting on the floor with the pizza box left wide open with only a few slices left, and empty plastic water bottles were now piled in the small recycling bin. Before we knew it, we had a comfortable silence between us as we listened to the faint sound of the radio. 

“Since we are friends now-” he cut me off 

“Oooo, not so sure about that.” he smiled and took a bite of the slightly cold pizza. 

“I guess that means I have to give you a nickname too.” I sigh, already trying to come up with a nickname for him. He nodded and continued to eat what was left of the pizza before he got to the crust, getting ready to hand it to me. 

During our random conversation, we discovered that we could trade a lot of things. I’ll eat the tomatoes, the crust, and pickles he doesn't like, and he’ll eat the olives, peppers, and mushrooms I don't like. It works out; never a piece wasted. 

I reach out and grab the crust from him, leaning back against the wall I’ve been resting on for a few hours now, I think. 

“What about blue?” I cover my mouth as I speak. 

“Not original.” he licks his thumb before wiping it on his pant leg. I should probably buy some napkins for the studio. 

“It is, check it-” I swallow what was in my mouth and sit up a bit

“Blue to go off of green, right? Blue guitar in your photo-” I pointed to the picture he hung of himself on the bulletin board.

“And my favorite band has a song called Daphne Blue, and in the lyric, it says ‘black jeans and daphne blue, still makes me think of you.’”

“Already getting songs dedicated to me.” he crosses his arms with a small smile on his face.

“If I get a whole band, the least I could do is give you a song.” I shrug. 

“Fine, blue it is,” and that was that. 

----------

As the weeks went by, we got closer. We became each other's go-to person for just about anything. Problems with homework, drama with other friends, need to rant, found new music, need to hang out. Within a month, we grew to be inseparable. 

                  We created a code song for when things are rough. Like when we took our first exam. He did great, but I didn’t. He played ‘Last Night on Earth’ by Green Day, and I came to the studio almost in tears to hear it. It was stupid, but the gesture was sweet to play the song I mentioned the first time we met, when I was feeling sad after a test. 

We lay on the floor of the studio listening to it and made a little joke with both of our nicknames in it. 

“Green day,” he sighed with his hands behind his head.

“For a blue night.” I return, copying his pose next to him on the floor, with space between us. 

And that became our thing for everything. Codes. Almost everything we did was coded, and it became a journey to decipher them, and by the time we understood what each other meant, it was almost too late to bring it back up to confirm it or to know if we were just being delusional. But some codes, they didn’t need to be deciphered. 

----------

“Happppyyy biiiirthdayyyy tooooo youuuu,” I sing, walking into the studio carefully with a small cake lit with a few candles on top.

The studio has a comforting feeling today. I have been ignoring Taesan all day today to make him think I forgot about his birthday. We exchanged our birthdays within a few weeks of meeting, writing them in our calendars and setting reminders on our phones. 

“Happy birthday to Dongmin…” he smiles at his real name he gave me a few months ago during our late night music search. I promised to only use it in important situations, and this feels pretty important. 

“Happy birthday to you!” I lower the cake to the ground, and he meets me there, sitting in our designated spots that now have cushions to provide comfort.

“You remembered.” Of course I did; I didn’t even need the reminder on my phone. For some reason, it was the only date that was highlighted in my brain.

“Yeah, if you count asking around as remembering.” I tease. “Make a wish.” I motion to the cake with a nod of my head. 

His gaze lingers for a second before closing his eyes and blowing the candles out, casting away the warm glow it to his skin, almost making his brown eyes light up, even in the darkest room. 

“So, what did you wish for?” I smile, putting my hands in the middle of my lap as I sit cross-cross from him. 

“Green day.” I stopped breathing for a second, not knowing if I was understanding it differently. 

“Since it’s Blue’s night.” he softly smiles as he refers to himself by the nickname I gave him months ago. 

“Well, I'm here.” I couldn't manage to get my voice above a whisper for some reason. Like something took my ability to think straight and to talk normally. 

“Dream come true then.” he ruins the moment quickly when I see him realize what he was saying by digging his bare hand into the cake and eating it out of his hand. 

“EW.” I did exactly what he just did, and we finished the night with frosting across our faces and our hands slightly blue from the dye in the icing. 

---------

The next 4 years went exactly like this. Playing music on our shared station that held messages for each other. 

One day, he played ‘Look After You’ by The Fray after I lent him my iPod to help him fall asleep since he had a busy week. The next week, I played ‘Fool of Myself’ by The Band Camino.

I attempted to confront him, but all he said was, “Every song isn’t about you, Green Day. Don’t flatter yourself.”

 I told him I hated the color yellow, and he played Yellow by Cold Play the next day. Even through melodies, he found a way to tease me. 

Until I got a boyfriend in junior year, and it all suddenly stopped. The late-night studio hangouts, making each other dinner or splitting our take out, songs with messages, our pictures we took together and printed out on our bulletin board eventually got covered by track lists. My iPod was “returned”; he left it on the desk of the studio when it was my night to run the station. The four and a half hours at the station felt longer with no presence of another person. I would see him on campus, but his back was always facing me, walking away, even if his class was in my direction. 

I don’t know why he split from me; it’s not like he was going to make a move. Or did he want to? It was all so frustrating. I was mad at him for a bit after I realized he purposefully went the long way to his classes because he’d see me walking around. It was childish. The last song he added to the tracklist for his night was ‘Know It All’ by The Band Camino, but I didn’t listen to the station that night to know if he played it. 

For 4 months, it was radio silent between him and me, not even a text. 

-------

It was my night at the station, before spring break of junior year. My boyfriend went to a party with a couple of his classmates, letting me know he would be out most of the night and he’d text me when he made it back to his dorm. I sit on the swivel chair, and I pick at my food, which has now gone cold. Music has become a chore these past couple of months. It was like there was no fun in finding a meaning in the lyrics anymore. 

I got a text from a random number. It was a picture of my boyfriend at the party. I didn’t think anything of it, seeing it was just him dancing in the crowd that formed. A few minutes later, another text was sent by the same number. 

“I didn’t know, I'm sorry.” was all it said. I didn’t understand until I looked at the picture again. There was a evident marking on his neck, and the girl infront of him was too close for comfort. I feel my body go cold and start to shake. 

                  Before I could even load the screenshot of the text to send to him, I got a message from him saying, “breaking up with you. Sorry.”

Just like that, everything was over. The past four months were gone. We hadn't been together for long, but I did enjoy his company. He was handsome, and he had manners when we first met, but over time, he lost them. I let myself lie on the floor on my back. I cover my eyes with the palm of my hands, trying not to get emotional over a four-month relationship that never got past second base. 

                  I didn’t have any super close friends on campus, even after 3 years in this school. I never needed more than Han Dongmin… Blue. 

I looked at the clock, and I saw I had 2 more hours left in the studio before I could go back to my dorm and sleep away this anxious feeling mixed with embarrassment. It's funny how you can be all alone and still feel the heavy embarrassment someone made of you. 

                  I push myself off the floor and to the desk, choking back sobs as I do my best to see through my blurry vision. I clear the tracklist and add the song I haven’t heard in 4 months to play next. 

‘Last Night on Earth’ by Green Day. 

I don't know if he is listening to the station, but I hope to god he feels the message some way and he comes, even if he hates me. Even if he moved on from whatever we were. 

An hour passed, and I stayed in the same spot since I played the song. I haven’t heard anything from my now ex-boyfriend, nor have I heard anything from Dongmin. 

It’s pointless to play that song. I don’t know why I thought he’d come running to me. I force myself to stand up and clean the studio from my messy eating and bottles of water I stacked in the bin. 

--------

                  With 30 minutes left, I grab the trash and the recycling to take out. I shove my keys in my pocket before taking them out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. The night had gotten warmer, although there was a small breeze that would pass through. 

                  I lift the lid to the trash container out in the back, throw away my trash, and repeat this with the recycling in the recycle bin. I walk back to the studio, feeling my allergies already kick in with my nose getting runny again.

                  I walk back to the front, and I see him standing there, looking in the glass panels on the door. 

“Dongmin?” He turns around, and his jaw is bruised, and he has a cut on his lip. It looked like his nose was bleeding, but it stopped, and he had a poor attempt at cleaning it. 

“y/n” he almost tripped over himself, practically running to me like I was the injured one. 

“Are you okay?” his hands are holding my face still as his eyes soften and his brows furrow. 

“Are you?” I scan his face to see how bad it is. I saw his knuckles bruised and busted when he went to cup my face. 

“I heard-”

“I shouldn’t have played the song, it was selfish.”

“Not the song. I heard what happened.” And then it clicked. His knuckles, the bruising on his jaw and his lip, He was either at the party my ex was at, or he went there to fight him. I feel the embarrassment creep in again as I realize that this could be something that spreads on campus.

“It's not selfish if you need me,” he huffed out. I remove my eyes from his, grab his wrist, and pull him to the door. I unlock it, letting us both into the studio. I make him sit on the chair, and I open the drawer where we keep the mandatory first aid kit. 

“Please tell me you didn't-”

“I did.” he didn’t hesitate with his answer even without me finishing my sentence. 

I don’t manage conversations at the moment. I sigh, and I clean up his face. I can feel his eyes watching me, waiting for me to yell or show some reaction. I feel the 4 months wash over me of losing Dongmin, my best friend. All the hard days of classes, and I couldn’t sit in the studio with him and talk about it. I had to throw out the olives, peppers, and mushrooms I got with anything. Music was getting boring, it was all such a chore without him around. 

Before I knew it, I had two big streams pouring down my face, and I heard his breath hitch. 

“Green day,” he hesitates to wipe my face. I turn my head to save what is left of my character right now and bring my arm to my mouth to muffle the sound. 

“For a blue night,” I muffle into my sleeve, followed by a sob. I feel the pull on the wrist that rested on his cheek while I was cleaning. And I'm suddenly crying into his shoulder, and he is holding me tighter than I was ever held within these past 4 months. 

“I got you,” he whispers as he rubs my back.

“You never called, you never texted, you just- disappeared,” I sobbed into his shoulder. 

“You never stopped me from disappearing,” he whispers back, breaking my heart with the hurt tone he tried to waiver.

He was right; I never reached out, even when I was upset for him not reaching out. It goes both ways. 

After that, things went back to y/n and Dongmin, Green Day, and Blue. 

--------

The hardest day was the last day of college before graduation. I had gotten a job offer with a record company that helps artists work with films. I worked there for 2 years, working on a project until they sent me back home to be a part of the sound crew for another studio.  The only problem is that after graduation, I leave for my flight across the globe. 

When I first told Dongmin he was happy for me, he was happy for me, too, until he realized I would be in a whole different part of the world. 

--------

“We’re gonna be late.” I laugh as he makes me stop on campus to see the radio shack one last time. We are in our White graduation gowns, and our ceremony is in an hour, but the drive is 45 minutes if we can weave through traffic. 

“I promise you that when you come back, I’ll have my radio show, and I’ll play our song first thing.” I smile and cross my arms. He pulls his phone out and takes a picture of us in front of the radio shack before we say our final goodbyes to it. 4 years in a small building, playing music, sharing dinner, skipping classes, and celebrating each other's birthdays. Where all our song confessions took place and, unfortunately, will be left behind. 

Our ceremony was bittersweet. Dongmin and I tap each other's feet, not paying attention to the speakers. Our pinkies locked around each other, still too scared to hold each other's hand. Our caps had handprints on them. His was green, with my handprint, and mine was blue with his. 

We throw our caps in the air, and before mine hits the ground, Dongmin has me in his arms, spinning me around. I make sure to collect our caps before we get ushered out.

-----

And the next 2 hours go by faster than I wanted them to. Than either of us wanted them to. He drove me to the airport, and when he dropped me off, I could see he tried to play it cool, but we both knew. 

“You’ll be back right Green Day?” 

“Wish for me on your birthday again, and we’ll see.” I smile. I pull my suitcase with me as I slowly walk backwards towards the doors. 

“And if I play our song?” He almost chokes. 

“I’ll come running back.” I bite my lip to hold my composure. 

I let go of my suitcase and rushed to him, giving him a tight hug. His arms had no problem holding me one last time, considering they were begging for it. I breathe in his cologne he’s worn since the first day I met him and take the last bit of confidence I had around him to run my fingers through the back of his hair for the first time. I felt his grip on my shirt tighten, like he was trying to connect our bodies so I couldn’t leave. 

“I love you, Green Day. And I lied before, every song is about you. ” He confesses into my shoulder. But there is nothing we can do now other than let each other know. 

“I love you, blue. And tell me something I don’t know.” I try to laugh. 

And for two years, neither of us had time to text or reach out as our careers started, our timezones were completely different, and trying to keep up with it was just another thing on our plate. 

----------

I came back home on August 10, which was Han Dongmin's birthday. And here I am now, sitting in the parking lot of a motel, listening to ‘Last Night on Earth’ by Green Day, after hearing his voice on the radio for the first time.

I pull out my phone. 

“Green Day?” I text. Not even a minute later, I got a response back. 

“Since it’s blues night.”

“Happy birthday.” I crack a smile, and I feel like I’m back in college all of a sudden. 

“Haven’t even blown out the candles, but it looks like my wish came true.” 

“What exactly was the wish?” I tease. 

“That I wouldn’t wait another 4 years to tell you that it’s still you.” 

[taesanstrustfund]

1946 ~ Leehan (1/2)

Synopsis: a poor paper boy wants to court a rich uptown girl. And he won’t stop until he gets what he wants

[old school pining, fluff, yearning leehan, non-idol au!, slow burn to an extent]

An: I totally didn’t watch the notebook and picture leehan as Noah. Okay baii!!

It was the end of spring in 1946, the night I met him.

“h-hi” He swings his body, along with his friends, to block the walkway out of the movies.

“hi.” I widen my eyes a bit and smiled as I shake my head, feeling sugar crazy from the candy we snacked on in the theatres. I know my daddy will get onto me about that if he finds out.

“oh why don’t you boys scram. It’s bad enough our movie was rubbish!” my friend Sarah hisses while her purse motions the way.

I toss my head back, filling the sidewalk with laughter as the sugar starts to take over and I start to become a giggle fit.

“Leehan,” he takes his old-worn-out newsboy cap off and slightly dips his head, his eyes hold mine.

I find something funny in his greeting and I fight back another giggle

“and you’re-“

“too good for you. Don’t you worry about it paper boy.” Sarah nips again joining in on the laughter.

“don’tchu boys have anything better to do on a Friday night?” Ella questioned while fixing her hair from the wind blowing in. the temperature outside was perfect, and I have always loved this time of year.

“oh, c’mon baby, don’t be so harsh! Ma’ heart is breakin’” Riwoo dramatically took his cap off and placed his hat over his heart. He slowed his walk down to meet Ella’s. In return, she rolled her eyes and bit a smile back.

Riwoo introduced himself amongst the group, Ella being the focal point of course, while Leehan and I hadn’t taken our eyes off each other yet. I held a smile, but I think his was more genuine than mine.

“you’re gorgeous” Leehan admits. I shrug, I have been told that once or twice, but I could feel the word from him.

“how ‘bout we go to the shells diner down the street?” Jaehyun walks around us and latches his arm around Sarah’s shoulder.

“On me.” He smirks now that he is closer to Sarah, seeing that he is winning her over with his cocky confidence.

“Let me walk you home.” Leehan still dances with my eyes as he walks backwards, in front of me, ignoring his friends request. His hat now a little crooked from his introduction.

“I have a ride.” I smile and shake my head.

“So, you can talk for yourself.” He smirks. I squint my eyes and smile, giving a silent ‘watch it’ and in return he holds his hands up in surrender with a cheeky grin.

We reach the end of the street, and I see my father’s car with his assistant outside of it waiting for me.

“I’ll see you girls!” I turn to look at them and wave, earning goodbyes and goodnights in echo’s of the empty street. I feel a hand on my arm as I turn towards the car.

“So..” the dark brown eyes study me as his grip loosens to almost nothing, yet still managing to wrap around my wrist.

“Ms. y/l/n” I sighed, caving in.

“Ms. y/l/n, I’d like to do this again sometime.” He smiles

“What? Wreck our walk up the street?” my laughing felt rushed knowing that I have a little until my curfew hits.

“Not a chance, paper boy.” I fix his hat before walking towards the car.

By the time I reach Mr. Morgan, my father’s assistant, at the passenger door I’m practically skipping.  He opens the door for me without a word and walks to the driver’s side.

When he gets in, he turns to me before starting the engine.

“Will this have to stay between us Ms. y/l/n?” knowing he is referring to the interaction he just witnessed.

“No secret to hide, Mr. Morgan. Nothin’ will come of it.” I laughed reassuring him. I rest my hand under my chin, while the rolled-down windowsill, held my elbow.

About a week later we ran into the same boys at fair weekend, More of me running into them, considering how Sarah and Ella were joined by Jaehyun and Riwoo for a date.

I walk into the fair, arms linked with my girlfriends on either side of me.  The beautiful night accompanied by a breeze that set the tone for a welcoming spring.  Laughs and screams were heard from all around. Kids and teens were scattered on the fair ground and the smell of funnel cake and hot dogs fill your nose as the wind brushes past you.

“There’s my girl” I heard a familiar voice beam as my friend Sarah almost breaks her arm trying to untangle herself from me.

“Jaehyun!!” she squeals and runs to hug him. He picks her up and spins her, while my other arm breaks free from Ella as Riwoo came into sight. I smile at both of my girls, enjoying their excitement.

“Oh, look who’s here y/n” Sarah giggles into Jaeyhun’s shoulder causing him to smirk. I hear Ella laugh at the sight of Leehan and she looks over at me.

He’s in a white t-shirt with brown buttoned pants. Worn but still clean suspenders on and that same stupid news boy hat he wore the night I met him. The lights of the carnival must have brightened, because I could have sworn, I saw stars in his eyes.

“Hi.” he sounds nervous, taking off his hat again to greet me, his eyes never leaving mine.

“Hi,” I nervously laugh to myself, holding onto my arm now, playing with the sleeve of my dress.

“Oh, c’mon y/n! look-it, he’s practically melting in front of you, give him somethin’” I hear Ella snicker, holding onto Riwoo’s arm.

“Would you two hush it.” I smiled and squealed at them. They giggled in return and began their own nights, walking off into the fair lights and rides.

“y/n” Leehan repeats turning back to me, now having my first name.

“Are you waiting for someone?” Leehan asks. I feel the air in my throat now that I’m alone, and I can feel his presence in front of me. His eyes, glory his eyes.

I hesitate in answering, my hands now in front of me fidgeting with my fingers.

“no..” I place an airy laugh between us as I shake my head. For a lower-class boy, he holds himself very well. I’m starting to notice that.

He holds his arm out for me to loop around, but I know the tricks and games of boys like him. I hold a laugh, and I bit a smile back from him. I walk past him causing him to let out a breath as he puts his arm down. He watches me walk for a few seconds before trying again.

                  Pacing back up to me, he steps in front of me again. He takes his hat off, holding it to his chest, His hair falling into his face. His hair is a medium brown, longer, but I think it frames his face well.

“I’m sure you get told your beautiful all the time” he smiles, walking backwards, occasionally looking back and checking his path.

“Mhm” I smile and nod my head. He’s cute, I’ll give him that.

“What can I say that will make me different, somethin’ that will make you choose me.”

“choose you?” I laughed.

“of course.” I shrugged, not having an answer for him.

“what do you want? You want the stars? The moon? A home in the mountains? You name it…and I’ll do it for you.” He puts his hands in his pocket. His tone was serious, I really do think he was being serious.

“I want you to watch where your goin’ paper boy” I laugh as Leehan almost bumps into a couple. The girl whines and the guy throw his hand up at Leehan asking him what his problem is.

                  Leehan throws his hands up in surrender as he turns around to the guy after placing his hat back on his head. The guys girlfriend clearly not happy as she pouts and crossed her arm over her chest.

                  I look down for a second before I feel my arm being pulled quick in the other direction. Leehan Guides the way through a crowd and I laugh. He skips the line to the Ferris wheel and hops on the empty cart that was about to be filled. As the ride goes up, the bickering from the others starts to drown out to the calm wind from the trees.

“I just saved you, you’re welcome” he smiles and nods his head slightly like it’s a fact.

“Saved me?” I ask, wondering if that’s what he thinks of his running away. I laugh, my eyebrows raise as my curiosity of his comment comes to full effect.

“Saved you.” I fix his crooked hat, yet again.

“my hero.” I state bluntly, still smiling while i cross my arms over my chest.

His eyes soften and I can hear his voice a bit better up here since its just the two of us.

“mm..y’know im gonna need someone to fix my hat for me like that when I get old”

“like what-”

“-like what you just did” he nods his heads, his smile spreading almost infecting me and causing me to do the same. His comments are always so quick coming back to me, and he’s confident with them.

“really?”

“mhm.” He smiles with his teeth now, enjoying the playful banter between us. His eyes turn to crescent moons and I force myself to look away.

“Grow old with me.” He flat out says while still staring at me.

“Oh jeez” I scoff and shake my head, still looking out at the lights of the city fair as our cart is at the very top.

“I’m serious.” He can’t be.

“You can’t be.”

“But I am.”

“you don’t know anything about me-“

“so tell me ‘bout yourself.” he holds his eye contact well and I know I don’t have any escape from it this time.

“And why would I do that?” I raise an eyebrow

“So I can rewrite my vows.” He smiles and gives a little chuckle. Almost like he can hear how desperate and corny he sounds. But he doesn’t care, he’s trying to win the game that he’s only in.

“Oh my god.” I give a short, loud laugh and look up to the stars. I don’t know if the thoughts in my head are pleading for this to be over, or pleading for him to keep going.

He rests his arm on the side of the cart. And looks away for the first time, he rubs his mouth his with hand.

“I’ll work hard, I’ll learn to cook, my mama- she can teach me, her cookin’ is amazin’. I’ll clean, I’ll keep the kids in line-“

“kids?!” I almost shout, shocked

“I could be a good husband.” He almost whispers “I will be”

“I’m sure whoever you marry will be happy then.”

“You will be.” He states in a matter-of-fact tone, nods and smiles politely.

The Ferris wheel comes to an end, and he helps me off the cart. I accept his arm but immediately let it go after stepping off. Leehan got into a bit of a situation with the ride conductor, and I smile and shake my head, walking off.

                  I reach the exit to the fair and I see my girls. Walking over to them, I hug myself trying to keep warm after I feel suddenly chilly.

“where’s Mr. handsome” Ella asks as she sips on a lemonade Riwoo got her from a booth.

“he’s somewhere getting an ear full” I say as I recall when I last saw him a few minutes ago.

“I’m gonna head home now, it’s late. I’ll see you girls, okay?” they both whined at first but they know my curfew, so they don’t stick to the act long. We hug goodbye and I wave to all 4 of them crowding the front of a hotdog stand.

                  I make my walk out of the fair into the night. Yelling at myself that I should have brought a jacket, knowing I would get chilly walking home later. The walk to my house from the fair is short, but I took my time getting home. Even though I was away from everyone, I didn’t want the night to end. The absence of today’s feelings when I enter tomorrow, makes me feel sad.

                  I laugh to myself thinking of Leehan’s attempt to court me. Even though he knows nothing of me, he still tries. I wonder if it’s because he really just sees beauty and money, or if it’s because he truly sees something worth courting.

The faint sound of an engine comes down the road. It slows down on the side and the window rolls down.

“let me give you a ride home” Leehan says, one hand on the wheel while the arm is now hanging out the side of the window.

“it’s only down the street” I laugh before he cuts me off

“let me spend more time with you, please.” He smiles and waits for me to agree to get in his truck, and I do. He leans over and opens the door for me on the passenger side while I walk around his truck. Still leaning over, he offers his hand to help me in the truck and I take it. I close the door and he starts driving.

“how’d you know I left?” I ask fixing my hair from the window that was working against me.

“Followed the path of flowers blooming” I roll my eyes and playfully hit his arm.

“Jaehyun and Sarah told me you had a curfew.” It’s a little embarrassing to be 18 years old and have a curfew still, my head turns to the window, trying to find something much more interesting to distract me.

“come meet my mama tomorrow night.” He says while still watching the road.

“for?”

“dinner. It’s nothin’ fancy like what you got, but she’ll love you.” He says while driving up to the gravel driveway in front of my big, white, house. 

I hop out of the truck and he follows after putting the engine to sleep. We walk to the door and he says again,

“Come meet my mama.” He’s desperate. He’s serious about all this.

I take a second before responding, already having my answer but having to fight the urge to move my hands to his face to fix the hair that the wind is blowing and tuck it under his hat or behind his ear.

“Pick me up at 6 o’clock” he beamed, almost like a kid with candy. He doesn’t say much more but takes my hand and kisses, not the back of it, but the palm. Something about it seemed more intimate.

“goodnight Ms.y/l/n” he looks at me. The stars still in his eyes.

“Goodnight, Leehan.” I smile and enter my house, closing the door.

Leehan walks back to his truck, trying his best not to melt before he reached it, just in case I ended up watching from inside. He climbed into his truck, brought it back to life, and headed home.

                  That night, he pulled over to the side of the road in the middle of the drive to calm himself down from his excitement.

[taesanstrustfund]

Battle of sound. [h.taesan]

Song: ‘I don’t know you like I used to’ -Mercury

Synopsis: don’t date in the band…or do. You’ll just end up battling each other on the stage on your biggest night.

[ non-idol au!, emo Taesan, hidden love, musician au, rockstar au ]

[Warnings: cursing, angst]

An: I love rockstar au’s and I wanted to give it a try!!

“We are on in 5 minutes, where the fuck is he?” Jaehyun, the guitarist of our band asks while bouncing his leg on the red leather couch that's up against the worn brick wall.

“Who the fuck knows, he’s always done this. He’ll show up.” Our other guitarist, Leehan, tries to calm down the group.

I sit in the chair facing the mirror applying mascara on my bottom lashes and stay silent.

The door swings open to the room and in walks Taesan, our drummer.

“Jesus fuck dude, could you show up on time?”

“Fuck off” he bites, fixing his black hair with bleached ends.

I roll my eyes, choosing to keep my words to myself. I didn't need to lose control just a minute before the show we’ve been trying to be apart of for years.

Our band performed in the garage for years and we finally booked a gig at the underground warehouse called “the alley” where bands get noticed and scouted. This was supposed to be the best night of our soon-to-be careers, but it ended up being the opposite for me.

“You guys are on.” a man comes in with a clipboard and a headset. We all get up and head towards the door. I avoid eye contact with Taesan, just ready to get this over with.

We walk out on the makeshift stage and our group gets into their places and sets up their equipment. I walk up to the mic and take a look out into the crowd, trying to misplace the fact that the crowd we are performing in front of is 10x bigger than the house parties we’ve booked in the past.

“Um, hi. We are Redd Valley and this is our cover of the song ‘I Don’t Know You Like I Used To.’” I sigh trying to shake the anxiety of the eyes starring and the emotions from whatever the fuck has happened this past week.

The door slams close but quickly opens again as I walk through it, chasing after Taesan.

“You're ending it the week before The Alley? What the fuck is going on with you-”

Taesan has been skipping out on our group band practices in the garage for a few days now. On top of that he’s been avoiding me, and he’s been quiet. I saw him outside the apartment building while I was getting out of my car after practice. I confronted him on why he has been skipping and he tells me he wants to “end things”.

Taesan turns towards the hall of what has been our own hidden secret for a year now, our shared bedroom.

“It's better for us. For the music.” he stays emotionless as he grabs a random bag and starts shoving random clothes in it.

“Oh fuck the music Taesan, this isn’t about the music-”

“-it is about the music”

“So what? All of a sudden you want what's best for the band?”

“A guy can change right?”

“Fuck off right now,” i roll my eyes and scoff.

Everyone in our group agreed on a rule of no dating in the band or staff, it could drive us apart. But Taesan and I got closer, we got personal with each other and there has never been a problem between us before. We swore to each other that it was just a hookup thing, that it will never be anything more. But he started staying the night and I started sharing my key with him to come home.

“There is nothing wrong for you to even end it.” I drag my hands over my face feeling the thin line between anger and grief.

“I didn’t know there needed to be.” he bites. He’s never been so cold to me before, even when he's around the band, he’s never talked to me this way before.

“Did I do something?” My mind starts to race with things I've done or said that could have possibly upset him. But, that's the thing. Taesan rarely got upset with me. Never complained, never shouted or bickered. And now all of a sudden he’s barking like he doesn't even know me.

I waited for an answer, but I never got one. I don't know what's worse, an answer of yes or no, or silence.

“If this is because of our music, that doesn't make sense because all this will do is cause a divide between us!” I exclaim, walking into the room now to find him in the connected bathroom, going through drawers.

“Then that means we’ve dragged this on too long.” he walks back into the room without looking at me, shoving the stuff in the bag that's now sitting on the bed with clothes that were made into wrinkled balls of fabric when he packed them.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I scrunch my face, unable to hide the confusion of what he is trying to get at.

“Us,” he snaps, “we’ve gone on with this for way too long!”

“You’re fucking with me right?”

“We agreed that this-” he motioned between the two of us “this was strictly a hook up”

“Oh my god!” I can't help but laugh at the fact he brought that up, while he packs his clothes in the space that's been our shared apartment for almost a year now.

“You don’t spend the night with your hook up, Taesan-for a fucking YEAR! You don’t share a key to a place, share this intimacy for only a hookup!”

“Well, I did.” he says coldly as he looks at me.

I feel chills run across my body, cold enough to keep me frozen in place when it hits me. I don't recognize him. This Taesan was not mine. The person standing in front of me right now is a total stranger, who looks like someone I knew and started to fall in love with.

“This isn’t…the Taesan I was falling for-”

“Stop.” he cut me off like he didn’t want to hear the rest of the sentence. Like he couldn’t handle it.

I felt my chest tighten as he turned down my attempt for a confession, like it would change his mind. I look down at the floor, feeling my eyes start to burn and I don't want to show how badly this is hurting me. I feel him walk past without a word and towards the front door. There is a pause, and a minute of silence floods. He hasn’t left and I think he is finding a reason not to. I hear his bag drop on the floor and footsteps head towards me. Every step the pace quickening. Before I can look up, I feel his hands on my jaw, tilting my focus on him, and his mouth collides with mine.

It wasn’t rough, it wasn’t hungry. But it’s almost like it was an apology. Like the passion is screaming to come out but he can’t let it be what we both know it is. I feel a small moment of something wet from the corner of his mouth, adding a salty taste to the goodbye. He was crying too.

He slowly backs me into the hallway wall, his cologne becoming familiar, like the Taesan I knew was peeking out behind the curtain. Every kiss was paced, and lingered longer than normal.

He pulls away and I almost chase his mouth again.

“I'm sorry..” he whispers before turning his back again and heading towards his bag, picking it back up and heading out the door. He didn’t look back.

The lights dim on the audience and Taesan picks up his sticks and I take a deep breath to control myself as I pull the mic out of the stand.

‘The time is passing like the scenes out of the window of my car’

He starts on the drums and Jaehyun comes in with the guitar followed by Leehan.

‘I didn’t realize it would move so fast and now you feel so far.’ I look at Taesan but I quickly look away, seeing as he was already watching me. I hear the crowd enjoy us and my confidence grows a little bit.

‘And I don't know you like I used to.’ I look at Taesan and hold his eye contact. I see his eyebrows furrow like he knows what I'm doing. I walk back to the microphone stand and push the mic into the holder.

‘If we’re being honest, I never knew exactly what I wanted.” The chorus starts but so does a war. Taesan is playing on the drums louder than he should be. I can feel the message he is trying to deliver through it, but it only pisses me off.

I see Jaehyun and Leehan shoot each other looks as they see the uncalled for change of volume from the both of us.

‘Now im here laying on the floor i don't know what else i can say’

I feel myself growing comfortable with the crowd and seeing everyone watching. It’s like they can tell I mean every word.

‘Why is it when we fall in love, it can quickly fade away.’ I sharpen my words as I sing out into the crowd. Leehan follows with his part on his guitar.

"And I don't know you like I used to.” I can feel something run down my cheek and I realize I'm crying. I turn towards Taesan on the drums, as he becomes aggressive again, almost out-doing his part and taking away from Jaehyun and Leehan on the guitar.

‘Honest, i never knew exactly what you wanted’ I change the lyrics to direct towards Taesan, and for a second I see him soften his face, hurt, before furrowing his brows again and tilting his head down a bit so he won't meet me.

‘Now im being haunted, im exhausted. There's so much that needs to be confronted.’ Leehan motions to Jaehyun with his head, to distract me from Taesan on the drums and to turn my attention back to the crowd. Jaheyun walks over while playing, and I lean on him for a second, letting the microphone catch his voice mixing with mine.

‘Maybe we should just be honest with ourselves’ I sing while stepping back to look at jaehyun. He smiles at me and nods his head.

‘Maybe we should just be honest with ourselves’ I turn to Leehan and he walks closer to me. He shoots me a look like he knows what's going on and he mouths “he messed up.”

I blink hard and face back towards the audience, trying to get my head back to end this performance.

The drums and guitars die out as I step up and close my eyes, trying to avoid letting people see me cry even more.

‘If i'm being honest, I never knew exactly what we wanted’ I changed the lyrics again.

‘Now i’m being haunted-” Taesan slams on his drums and it's back to fighting for volume with him. I'm guessing the lyric changes are sending the message. I turn back towards him and his eyes are glazed and red. The lights are hitting him perfectly and I can see the stains on his cheeks. My voice broke a little and he looked like he was about to jump out of his seat and run over to me, at the sound of it.

‘We should just be honest with ourselves!’ I almost scream into the microphone while not breaking eye contact with him. He shakes his head like he knows I'm talking about what we are with each other. In love.

The set ends and the crowd is silent for a few seconds before roaring through the walls of the warehouse. We had the biggest crowd at the alley tonight and yet, I want nothing more than to be off the stage and to go home.

Our band walks backstage, Leehan and Jaehyun are jumping on each other feigning over the crowd that was in front of us, saying we should go back out. I feel heavy, and I feel vulnerable.

I quickly rush past everyone and head towards the exit leading to the side alleyway of the building where we entered before.

To my luck, all the bands are inside now prepping for their set. I'm left with the wet concrete and the strong smell of cigarettes. I lean my back on the wall and close my eyes trying to catch my breath. I feel angry from the last conversation Taesan and I had a week ago, Angry that he tried to take over the sound. The confusion of how Leehan knew we messed up.

The door opens and I just see a few staff members laughing and walking out, completely oblivious to me just a few feet away. I turn my gaze back to the sky and try to collect myself.

Footsteps approach me, and I try to fix myself so the staff won't see me like this. I finish wiping my eyes and get a clear look at Taesan standing in front of me.

He looks drained, tired. His eyes are red and puffy, and his hair is a little messy. I see him moving his tongue around in his mouth and his lips pressed together like he has something to say but its radio silence.

I roll my eyes and scoff because now he has nothing to say, even after the stunt he pulled on our big night. I push myself off the wall and walk back to the exit door .

“I love you.” he cuts through the silence and the thoughts in my head. I stop but I don't turn around.

“Im-i’m in love with you. And.. i got scared y/n..so i lef-”

“Let's just focus on what's best for the band…what’s best for the music.” I spit and walk back inside leaving him standing alone.

Leehan is sitting on the couch, like he sent Taesan out and he was waiting. He looks at me as if asking if things are okay and I shake my head, beginning to cry. He stands up and I walk over to him, letting him wrap me in a hug.

"I need time, it hurts.” is all I could manage to say.

[taesanstrustfund]

The next story is about Leehan! 1940's romance.

[taesanstrustfund]

It’s fall again, a season I’ve always admired for the beautiful colors that come alive as the breeze cools the earth.

The weird feeling of nostalgia floods my senses again since I’ve come back home to visit during my works break.

My cast and I have finished wrapping up the season for our show, and we all agreed to rest well.

I remember for so long I begged to leave this town and to explore life on my own, regardless of what’s to come my way. But I always feel drawn back to where I grew up, feeling the true sense of home amongst the negative memories that I left with. I’ve always been the independent type…well, I’m more independent than I was before.

I wait at the train station in the city and decided to scroll through my phone; mainly to clear storage of all the pictures and videos I had from filming.

I hear the horn of the on-coming train and I stuff my phone bag in my backpack I had slung on one shoulder; the other half of my body holding my suitcase in place in front of me. The train stops and the door opens. I take a moment before stepping off the platform and onto the transportation, having a weird feeling of memories rush back.

When I was younger, I had taken this train so many times on the weekends with friends. We had assigned seats, and being that there were too many of us, someone always had to sit opposite to our side. I move towards the seat open, strangely being the seat I always took up with my friends. I sit down, slinging my backpack to the front of me to rest on my lap while my suitcase is in between my feet.

“Next stop…”

I put my headphones in and shuffle my playlist from high school, wanting to feel like that girl again for the time being. Like I was still scared and hopelessly in love, like I was heading home after class, like I was visiting the store for the sleepovers at my place with everyone. I’m older, but that girl still lives inside of me and it’s only fair I let her free in her own familiar territory.

The first song to play was one that I listened to on repeat, for too many years. I was young; I was scared of admitting anything in fear of losing that sense of safety within myself. ‘I want someone badly’ by Jeff Buckley sings through my wires and I rest my head on the end pole next to me.

The train closes its doors and begins the journey back to the place I always reminisce, good and bad.

I close my eyes and feel the movement of the train pick up, and I see images of my friends. Running through crowds when we see each other, laughing at our towns local bakery after school, the accidental sleepovers while studying too late. I’m overwhelmed now. I don’t speak to any of them anymore. When did we grow up? Grow apart? When did we stop being kids together?

I open my eyes and I see legs stretched in front of me, from the seat across me. The opposite seat that one person was always stuck with. The black converse are dirty and worn. They look like they’ve seen more life than most people these days.

I find myself admiring the dirt covered laces, like they’ve never been washed for whatever reason. The longer I stare, the more this person realizes. Suddenly drawing the legs back to their body, I look away.

The sticker that was placed at the top of the door of the train is still there. A sticker of a pug, that was now washed out from the sun, parts slightly destroyed or ripped. The sticker my best friend placed on our night out before our last day of senior year, when it was just the two of us. The wind that night almost pushing us together, while we walked down the streets. Our arms swinging, and the conversations echoing through alleyways we passed.

“Let’s go see the stars.”

“There are no stars in the city, you know that” I laugh facing forward, terrified I’ll see something- if I turned to look- that I want so badly, but terrified I won’t see anything at all. It’s better to not know..for now.

“I mean when we get back home. Just stay out and see the stars.”

“Okay.”

There was a slight shake of the train, drifting my bag a little away from my feet. I scoot it back with my heel, putting it in the designated spot I made for it while waiting to get home.

I glanced at the shoes again. The shoelaces.

Do I know those shoes? Do I know those laces?

‘Room’ by Kevian kraemer rings through my ears as the song begins.

“I’ll write my Initials on your laces and you write yours on mine.”

“That’s so stupid” I laugh, trying to explain to myself that all friends do this.

“Shut up” you laughed and I caved.

“Give me the marker.”

I stare at those shoes again. The initials aren’t there, but why am I looking for something on a stranger. I pull my eyes away, not wanting to look like a creep.

I lift my eyes to the windows across from me watching trees pass by between the long fields of the countryside. In the blurred background of my vision, I see the head of the stranger lift up. My face gets cold, and I don’t know if it’s the memories playing out even with my eyes open, or if that face is one I knew very well.

They turn their head to the side and I take the chance to look.

Han dong-min.

I swallow, feeling the pain of my throat running dry. I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts wondering if it’s possible to have the number in my phone still. The number that called me at 2am to tell me to listen to a song, the number that I waited to hear from after every hang out.

It’s still here, it’s still the same name as It was before. I can’t believe I never changed it.

“Taesan” a name I gave him since he wanted to change his name so bad. I only called him that, and I held it close knowing he let me.

“That’s so stupid”

“Oh cmon! It could grow on you. Or you can keep your name” teasing tones leak from my mouth.

“Only you can say that.” I kept my eyes to myself the rest of the day, that day.

My fingers hover over the keyboard unsure of how to start a conversation- something with him.

“How do I look?” Delivered.

I turn my phone off and let my music try to calm me, but the playlist I’m listening to, was something I had very heavy emotions for. All the songs put me in a box of feeling seen with emotions, either with melodies or lyrics. I let my eyes close, needing to feel alone in a public space.

My hand vibrates as my screen lights up with the name I thought about more often than I’d like to admit.

‘One new message from: Taesan’

I unlock my phone slowly and carefully, like going slower will somehow take the text away before I can read it.

“Just as good as when I had you.”

I sit and stare. How do I respond, how do I know how he meant this? When we had our friends? When we had our group? When we had those late night adventures that always ended up getting us in trouble for sneaking out?

“You haven’t cleaned your converse”

“You haven’t worn yours.” The reply was almost instant.

“I can see you changed the laces”

“I did. The old laces started to fall apart.”

Oh.

I see him pushing his jacket sleeve up, showing his wrist. The shoelace tied around it- the one I wrote my initials on.

I feel my phone vibrate once again and glance back down at the screen.

“Welcome home.”

[taesanstrustfund]

Writing soon abt this freak of a man. <3