sunafterthestorm

[sunafterthestorm]

Is this how it feels to give up?

Screams of desperation out of longing to be loved

Turn into sleeping in separate rooms and forgetting what the other’s voice sounds like

Sharing music in the kitchen at 2am and moving on the floor together

Turns into piles of forgotten dishes and a refrigerator full of uneaten meals

Laughter turns into blank stares

Conversations into one word answers,

Love turns into indifference

I turn into someone I don’t recognize.

I think that I may have known you once

But I’m ready to give up

And get to know myself, again.

[sunafterthestorm]

Is this how it feels to give up?

[sunafterthestorm]

I got your journals today.

Mom said she wouldn’t read them and then told me about her plans for spring decor

She said she was planning on putting up mushrooms because they’re supposed to symbolize growth

I said “mmhmm” as I skimmed the last words you penned

Help

I don’t know what I’m doing

Why am I still alive

I need this to stop

And I couldn’t help but wonder

What you would say to her about growth

If you were still here to try

You’d probably sigh

And tell her what a nice idea that was

And mutter

Fuck you

Under your breath

And I would laugh

And so would you

But I stare at your words full of pain and longing for something you couldn’t hold on to

Ask my mother to tell me her plans

One more time

And close the book.

[sunafterthestorm]

[sunafterthestorm]

[sunafterthestorm]

Imagine falling in love and it works out for the rest of your life

[sunafterthestorm]

I need to keep reminding myself, through my own words, that it is ok to be me.

Human

What is the difference between No and No, thank you?

How many times do we have to be reminded of our imperfect condition until we are comfortable enough to be human, To be flawed?

Limitless thoughts and ideas and words make for Limitless arguments and conflicts and offenses But I know the difference between right and wrong And I realize my brain is filled with black clouds and tendencies to fail

But if I knew the difference between Being me and being someone else, I would probably crawl back into my own skin at night, Settle into my flaws, Softly breathe into my failures And keep going.

[sunafterthestorm]

These little hands

Are mind to hold

Minds to mold

Hearts to grow

If I could give you anything

It would be the whole world on a string

So hear me when I whisper close

I’ll be wherever you choose to go

Love,

Mom 🩷

[sunafterthestorm]

- Youadan Teddy

[sunafterthestorm]

- Patrick Rothfuss - The Wise Man’s Fear

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Zinaida Nikolaevna Gippius, from The Selected Works; “Memoirs of Martynov,”

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Nikolay Punin, from a diary entry featured in The Diaries of Nikolay Punin: 1904 - 1953

[sunafterthestorm]

I gave it all

All I had

Until my world was on fire

And the only ones I could save were the ones who

Really

Loved me.

I cried out your name in every corner of me

But when the smoke finally cleared —

You were already ashes.

[sunafterthestorm]

We all just want to be wanted, right?

If not by someone, then perhaps by the universe,

Working in our favor and showing its smile that was made, in some moments, just for us.

We all want our words to mean something

But not have to put them on display,

Just to be judged by someone who doesn’t know how to speak respectfully to another human

Someone who doesn’t realize that the universe sees them, too. The holy and the wicked walk the same streets, here.

Sometimes, I want to be cradled by the comfortable thoughts that are few, fleeting and don’t make much sense

But I also want to reach out and grab ahold of something I think is called happiness-

I knew it once

But it’s so fuzzy now,

Like the dancing static on a tv screen,

Too much noise and

Not enough clarity on how to take hold of it and lock it safely away inside

I know the universe is telling me something

But I can’t understand the frequency

I think I need to choose a path

But I am walking

All alone.

[sunafterthestorm]

I am not

An anomaly.

I am not magnificent,

A rare flower in the desert that came alive through the cracks of a barren wasteland.

No

I am the smallest,

Most insignificant star amongst a trillion galaxies

A single grain of sand on planet earth.

But sometimes

When I am covered in the thick blanket of darkness

Under covers

And I am alone…

I beg someone

Anyone

To make me the center of the universe

Let me rise up so every star can see the ache inside of me

Every person on earth and beyond can lay their hand on me and

Rip

My broken heart from inside of my chest, put it on display for all of creation and scream

“THIS IS WHAT IS LEFT OF HER!”

I am nothing

And I need everyone,

Everything

to know it

So this pain can stop

And it can

Just

Mean

Something

[sunafterthestorm]

“Love didn’t hurt you. Someone who doesn’t know how to love you hurt you. Don’t confuse the two.”

— Unknown

[sunafterthestorm]