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Reid in a relationship where his partner is saying stuff and Reid is constantly just having to go "that's not what that means but okay" or "... That's not how that works" or "objectively wrong but alright"

Like, Reid's partner being just generally more laid back than him and open to being looser with reality and conversation. Especially funny if the partner likes to wind up Reid and so sometimes plays it up because of that.

I'm currently imagining it with Ether, where Ethan knows full well when he's BSing and winding Reid up, but it's really funny. Especially when it's involving the rest of the team. Like, imagine the BAU team at Rossi's and they're witnessing Reid and Ethan having a debate and Reid is constantly having to be like "that's just wrong, you know it's wrong" and Ethan is like "do I? But have you considered [thing that is definitely wrong and Ethan knows it]"

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Okay, here me out, White Collar Criminal Minds' crossover where Neal DMs a D&D (or other appropriate ttrpg) game for both the WC and CM ensembles.

Including where the WC crew are just totally shocked at how into this sort of stuff Neal actually is, and the BAU appreciating how humanising this is for the otherwise narcissistic appearing con-man.

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Criminal Minds Discord Server

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Then you should join our Discord Server! Welcome to Quan-Tea-Co, where you can make some new friends, work together to complete your writing goals, rant about your favorite characters or episodes, and feel welcomed in the Criminal Minds Community! <3

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Opportunity For Growth

White Collar | General Audiences | Oneshot | 1000 words Neal Caffrey & Peter Burke | Neal Caffrey & Clinton Jones

Summary: Neal's art is being put on show, and he's nervous. Written for the White Collar Flash Fiction prompt - Invitation

@operationmorewhitecollar Tags & Warnings: Artist Neal Caffrey | Good friend Peter Burke | Good friend Clinton Jones | POV Burke & Jones | prompt fic View on AO3 for full fic

Neal was up to something. Normally, Peter wasn’t too concerned, since it was often just secrecy over the mundane, for the sake of Neal feeling more in control of his life; Peter wouldn’t begrudge him that. This, however, was different. Neal had been anxiously checking his phone, for days, and enough was enough. Peter called for Neal from across the office and waited patiently for him to head over. Neal’s head had snapped up at the summons, getting up a moment later, stuffing his phone into his breast pocket before wandering over. He sat down in his usual spot, picked up something to fidget with, and smiled serenely up at Peter — who just stared back, hands on hips. “What’re you up to?” Peter asked, straight to the point. “Why assume I’m up to something?!” Neal whined, protesting the lack of trust. “Because you usually are.” Peter raised a hand to stop any incoming complaints before continuing, “You’ve been obsessing over your phone for days. What’s. Up?”

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I sometimes think about Neal with a secret sister that becomes less secret. Neal's mystique suddenly falling away as he falls into sibling rivalry habits is too funny.

Neal's sister being just as hot as he is, and together them looking like a runway duo. The two of them being fiercely protective of each other, and her being particularly ruthless about looking out for her brother.

His sister being more naturally outgoing and funny than him, but still going along with his stupid "mystery man" routine, but making sure everyone knows it's bullshit as she puts emphasis on the "cover story" aspects, much to Neal's frustration. She's perfectly happy to spill all the embarrassing stories she has of Neal, while keeping it vague enough that it can't be used for a background search.

Mozzie absolutely loves Neal's sister because she's basically the chaos gremlin version of Neal, and is one of the few people who will really take the piss out of Neal in a way that Mozzie finds acceptable. In fact, everyone really liking her, and Neal getting petulantly jealous over it, much to her amusement.

Diana telling Neal that his sister is hot, and Neal having a hard time tyring to work out if he should warn Diana off / giver her the shovel talk, or hide.

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Erotic and nude artist Neal. Headcanon that one of the ways Neal got by in prison, was that he just drew porn for people. That's got to be a good gig.

I also headcanon that he doesn't just do it in prison, his "visual aid" of choice, is just his own nsfw art. As well as this he produces his fair share of non-porn nude and erotic art.

Maybe t some point his studio flat gets inspected, and the WC gang come across his nude & erotic, but then they also find where the porn is stashed. Despite him warning them that it's not appropriate for viewing, they look, and boy do they get an eyeful. Big difference between the tasteful nudes, the suggestive erotic art, and the pornography.

Neal is of course mortified, and so are the others, but Neal hides it the best. Jones would likely genuinely not care too, just accept it as the result of an ex-(current?)-con on an ankle monitor, who has the means to make his own entertainment.

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I headcanon Neal as a mega dork back in the day. Full impassioned speeches, literal soap box lectures for his friends.

I headcanon that he totally referenced the Al Capone getting caught on tax evasion fact multiple times.

He makes fun of Peter for it, and people think Mozzie is weird, but they don't realise how much of a hypocrite Neal is about it. There's a reason he's friends with them.

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No Rest For The Wicked

White Collar | General Audiences | Oneshot | 1000 words Neal Caffrey & Peter Burke

Summary: It was a small thing, there was no explosive drama, by most measures life was good, and yet... Long hours and uncertain times, and Neal is more exhausted than ever. Written for the White Collar Flash Fiction January prompt - Overworked.

@operationmorewhitecollar Tags & Warnings: Overworked Neal Caffrey | Good friend & handler Peter Burke | Emotional hurt comfort | Concerns about prison | event fic View on AO3 for full fic

Neal’s chin slipped from his palm, and the sudden drop jolted him awake. For a moment, his heart pounded, until it caught up with the fact he wasn’t falling from a great height. He surreptitiously checked for onlookers, more embarrassed about his momentarily displayed panic than falling asleep at work. There were a couple of smirks, but it seemed that no one had really noticed the situation, except for Jones and Diana. “Tired there, Caffrey?” She asked, feigning disapproval. “We working you too hard?” “Just cheque fraud, putting me to sleep!” Neal said, shrugging off her concern. Jones snorted, and Diana rolled her eyes, but neither commented further. The truth was, cheque fraud was putting him to sleep, but only because he was overworked. Neal sighed, trying to focus his eyes on his screen; he was just so tired, and the work so fucking boring. Neal was running on fumes. He understood that things could be worse; he was very aware, far more aware than he wanted to be. In prison, he could have seventy-hour weeks, but with the FBI, it usually maxed at fifty hours, sixty if you included the commute, and he got coffee breaks. But, sometimes, the FBI took a lot more than seventy hours a week from him.

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Apples and Oranges, Peaches and Cream - Chapter 1, Strawberry Jam

Criminal Minds | General Audiences | Ch 1 (of 4) | 2462 words

Spencer Reid / Ethan

Summary: A slice of Spencer and Ethan's life together, told through four jam based prompts. Prompt 1 - A sweet and classic kiss Fill for 'QuanTeaCo's Jam-uary 2025' January challenge

Tags & Warnings: Domestic Fluff | Established Relationships | Conversations | Challenge fic | Jam View on AO3 for full fic

“I can’t believe she gave us so much.” Spencer looked up from the multiple gift baskets currently lining the wall by the front door, and glanced at his boyfriend. He was inclined to agree with Ethan’s statement; Garcia had seriously outdone herself. He wasn’t exactly sure when she’d got it into her head that they needed the makings of what had to be at least twenty cream teas, but the gift baskets were here now. “I mean, we’re not going to be able to eat all this,” Ethan continued. “It’s going to go off.” “The jam should keep more than long enough.” “And the scones? The cream?” Spencer frowned and looked at the baskets again, as if he hadn’t already memorized their contents. There were several jars of various flavoured home-made jams and several pots of clotted cream in one basket, and the other two baskets were full of scones. Ethan was right, they could be eating scones with cream every day for a fortnight and still not get through it.

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A Show of Hands

Criminal Minds | Explicit | Oneshot | 9,852 words Spencer Reid / Penelope Garcia

Summary: Spencer and Penelope are on their way to a little weekend get away. They'll be stuck in the car for a few hours. Penelope has seen the opportunity to really put that time to good use.

Tags & Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content | Handjobs & Masturbation | Semi-public | Car Smut While Driving | Established Relationship View on AO3 for full fic

“How long do you think we have left until we get there?” Penelope asked, between bites of an overpriced sandwich. “Excluding any further stops?” Spencer asked. He paused and took a bite of his own sandwich while he thought. “About an hour and a half, give or take fifteen minutes.” “Hmm,” Penelope acknowledged. “Not too long, then.” Spencer nodded, and they finished their lunch in comfortable silence. Once they were done, he disposed of their rubbish, and they returned to their seats; settling in and preparing to get back onto the road. While Spencer peered out of the window, idly watching the other people in the rest stop car park, Penelope fiddled with her iPod to sort out the music. After she had picked the perfect driving playlist, she pulled out of the car park and onto the access road; getting back up to speed and preparing to merge back onto the interstate. It was going to be a good couple of days. The bed & breakfast Penelope had booked for them had stellar reviews, and they were both really looking forward to some alone time; they needed the break from both work and their friends. After a few gruelling months of cases, they had the week off. Supposedly they weren’t going to be called in for active cases for the next month, either, but who knew how long that would last. So, Penelope had booked somewhere as soon as they were informed about their time off, and they were happily on their way. Four days in a quaint little establishment outside of Luray. Once they had been driving for a few minutes, Spencer shifted in a way that drew Penelope’s attention. It was innocent enough; tugging at his clothing and repositioning the contents of his trousers, to get more comfortable, but it jogged her memory. She recalled another time they had been driving, when they had talked about trying out a little travel based exhibitionism. Suddenly flushed, she glanced at Spencer, checking if he had noticed, and looked resolutely back at the road. Once the thought entered her mind, however, it tumbled around, gaining traction.

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Captive Audience

White Collar | Explicit | Oneshot | 2,975 words Neal Caffrey / OMC

Summary: Prison is a grim reality far removed from the outside world. Neal isn't above filling a need.

Tags & Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content | Handjobs & Blowjobs | Consensual Prison Sex | Public / Semi-Public | Infidelity | Connections of Convenience View on AO3 for full fic

“Oh, fuck! David!” Rob’s moan startled Neal from his daydreaming, and he let go of Robert’s cock, looking around in alarm. However, his moment of panic only lasted as long as it took to process that the words were in fact a moan, and remember that David was Rob’s lover out in the real world. Neal found himself a bit irritated, but ultimately unable to begrudge the fantasy; maybe if he had a boyfriend waiting for him on the outside, he’d be calling out that name too. As it was, huddled together in Rob’s cell, there was just no way he could pretend that Robert’s rough hands belonged to Kate. So, Neal ignored the exclamation, and readjusted his grip. It wasn’t the first time that they had convened to exchange handjobs, but it was the first time a name had been called out during the act. It wasn’t romance; they weren’t in a relationship, they were just filling a need, but there was an etiquette to this sort of thing. Until now, there had been the unspoken understanding that they were just using each other as a means to an end; engaging in an act fuelled by fantasy of the outside. Breaking the other man’s immersion wasn’t part of the arrangement.

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Remote Access

Criminal Minds | Explicit | 5 + 1 (plus prologue) | 11,682 wordcount as of ch4 (of 7) Spencer Reid / Ethan

Summary: Spencer and Ethan are in a long distance relationship and are about to bring Sex Toys into the equation. Entry 3 into CM Kink Bingo 2024 - Sex Toys

@cmkinkbingo2024 Tags & Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content | Established Long Distance Relationships | Sex Toys | Phone & Video Chat Sex | 5+1 View on AO3 for full fic

Prologue, 431 words: The thing about long distance relationships, was that it complicates many aspects that otherwise might seem obvious in a regular relationship. Like hanging out, eating dinner, watching a film, having sex. To their credit, Spencer and Ethan thought they had, more or less, done well with the mundane aspects. They did a lot of things over the phone together; watching films streamed from one of their computers, listening to the same music while doing other things in parallel play, ordering the same dishes of a take-away. One thing they hadn’t quite worked out yet, was the best way to solve for the long distance relationship sexy time problem. Sharing nudes and masturbating over the phone only goes so far. Thankfully, they were a couple of horny geniuses, so with a little brainstorming they had come up with a few ways to include their sex life in the list of things that just worked.

Masturbators, 1451 words: Spencer spent a long time researching masturbators, or strokers, or whatever they were called. Initially he had floundered in his research, but after a conversation with Garcia that revealed an invasion of privacy he really didn’t want to dwell on, he was thrust into the hidden world of sex aids. As it turned out, there were a lot of types on the market; more than he had anticipated, and with a variety of technologies that achieved the same effect. Basic manual strokers, ones that vibrated and pulsed, strokers that warmed or simulated suction, ones that were hands-free, ones that had long distance controls. It really was a marvel that the sex toy industry had expanded the market on stroker toys this much; up until now, Spencer had never considered a hand to not be enough. There was so much to choose from, but eventually Spencer settled on a wireless remote sucking masturbator. It was a little expensive, but according to the reviews, it felt like the real deal, and was excellent for couples play. And so, both of them armed with the same model, they were able to settle in for some steamy, and hopefully smooth running, Tuesday night phone sex. The plan being that they would match their settings, and Ethan would guide them through the pace. — “Feeling good, Pen?” Ethan asked when they were partway into their session. He sounded a little out of breath, though it couldn’t have been from exertion. “Mmm, it’s good,” Spencer replied, a little breathless himself as he jerked the masturbator on his cock. He was laying comfortably on his back, his phone wedged between his ear and shoulder. “I can see why it’s expensive.”

Vibrators, 3888 words: Emboldened by the success that was the pair of masturbators, they decided a pair of dildos would be a good idea to try next. Spencer had a dildo he personally used, a charming light-skin toned thing he had named Geraldine, but the stroker remained Ethan’s only toy. They thought that it would be a good idea to get Ethan an insertable for himself, and that a matching pair of dildos would be in order. Maybe even vibrating ones, maybe even remote controlled ones. Spencer had their short list to refer to, but there was still a lot of leeway for him to make decisions on what they’d be trying together. Research was both easier and more complicated than for the stroker. The faux phallus market was a bit more mainstream than the masturbator market. There was also a wealth of reviews, for every kind of insertable under the sun, to help make an informed decision. However, there was the issue that there were just so many choices, as well as the fact that a significant number of the reviews were in relation to how the toys could be used for, or on, women. Once again, it was an embarrassing recommendation for research avenues from Garcia that narrowed the search. Apparently, truly long distance play was doable, even if the only supposedly reliable toys were somewhat pricey. He would have to thank her, while also having a serious conversation about reasonable expectations for privacy.

Cock Cloning, 5912 words Due to the realities of Spencer’s job, there wasn’t a chance to try out a new toy for a while. The BAU had had a pretty bad few months, with back-to-back cases and very little time to themselves. Spencer and Ethan still tried to talk every day, but often there was only time for a few texts; if they didn’t have time for regular phone calls, they definitely hadn’t time for anything more involved. Even after the active cases had calmed down, there was the little fact that, when on cases, consult work and desk-based assessments didn’t stop piling up. So, after all that time, Spencer had spent several days trying to chip away at the mountain of paperwork. In an attempt to put a dent in it, he’d been staying late for the last four evenings. He had been planning on working late again, but some friendly bullying from a worryingly gleeful Garcia had sent him home. He spent a few minutes wondering about what she was up to now, and the rest of the time thinking about calling Ethan as soon as he got through the door. When he arrived home, he was distracted by some post waiting for him. It was a small parcel with nondescript packaging. Ethan’s handwriting was visible, addressed to “Dr S. G. Reid”. Considering his middle name didn’t start with G, Spencer assumed it was actually referring to what Ethan sometimes liked to call him: Dr Sexy Genius. It was a silly, yet endearing detail, and one that meant it had to be a gift rather than anything meant to be practical. A gift from Ethan, however, could mean any number of things. Spencer remembered Garcia’s earlier glee, and realised she must know what was inside; that was a scary thought, Ethan conspiring with Garcia, who knew what could happen?

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A Matter of Size

Criminal Minds | Explicit | Oneshot | 10,851 words Spencer Reid / Aaron Hotchner

Summary: Hotch is insecure about the size of his cock. Reid is going to make sure Hotch knows he's perfect just the way he is. Entry 2 into CM Kink Bingo 2024 - Belly Bulge

@cmkinkbingo2024 Tags & Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content | Bottom Reid | Belly Bulge | Insecure Hotch & Confident Reid | Established Relationship View on AO3 for full fic

Reid crushed his lips to Hotch’s while they were still in the hallway outside Reid’s flat. Hotch’s back had hit the locked front door because, apparently, Reid just couldn’t wait. As it turned out, Reid was a particularly confident lover; bold in a way Hotch had never been. Reid didn’t think he could be blamed, though; with a partner as sexy as Hotch, who on earth would have been able to stay reserved? Hotch apparently didn’t understand that while Reid was a bold lover, Hotch was the one who brought out a fire in him like no-one had before. After some blind fumbling with keys, Reid managed to open the door with a bang. Hotch, who had been pushed against it quite forcefully, only just avoided falling to the floor as it swung open behind him. Reid followed him in and kicked the door shut, all while doing his best to keep their lips attached. Continuing their enthusiastic kissing, Reid expertly manoeuvred them around his living room. Hotch almost fell a few times, the backs of his heels scuffing the floor, but Reid kept him steady until his calves hit the sofa. Now at their destination, Hotch found himself being forcefully pushed back and landed roughly on the sofa behind him. Reid took no time in following him down, hopping up to straddle him, and they got right back to sucking face. Hotch felt like a teenager, except without the worry that someone might walk in on their couch based make-out session. It didn’t matter that Reid wasn’t quite that young, Hotch couldn’t ever remember being this energetic even in his own twenties. That was the power of having a younger lover, he supposed; or maybe Reid was just special regardless of their age difference, unearthing a, until now, hidden passion in him.

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Mutually Beneficial

Criminal Minds | Explicit | Oneshot | 4,798 words Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan

Summary: Morgan and Reid get busy on a case with some mutual masturbation. It's just stress relief, doesn't mean anything, they swear. Entry 1 into CM kink bingo 2024 - mutual masturbation

@cmkinkbingo2024 Tags & Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content | Mutual Masturbation on Cases | Developing Relationship View on AO3 for full fic

It had started, in a way, relatively soon after the FBI had stopped paying for them to have individual rooms on cases. They were already in some pretty scummy cheap-as-anything motels, but now they had to share too. Pairing up was a simple affair; JJ and Emily could bunk together as the female agents, Rossi and Hotch as the senior agents, and then that left Reid and Morgan. The FBI only had to fork out for half the rooms and single-sex sleeping arrangements meant they didn’t need to be concerned about fraternisation ( apparently ), a double win in their book.  It wasn’t an issue doubling up, everyone got on and it was a comfort to share that time in the dark with someone else who understood what was in the shadows. What could be frustrating, however, was the lack of privacy for decompression . No one liked to admit to masturbating while on cases, but sometimes the stress relief was necessary.  Initially, the shared rooms had stopped Morgan and Reid from beating off when they went to bed, or even trying to quickly rub one out during an evening shower, but they had gotten over their modesty; quiet masturbation under the covers going politely unacknowledged. Later on, however, they had done away with the pretence, letting themselves decompress out in the open with the spoken agreement to “not make it weird”. And it wasn’t weird… for a while. But eventually, that wet fapping noise would turn their heads and (in Reid’s estimation) it only took their eyes meeting for the twelfth time for it to turn into something else . 

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Derek may be a tease, but Aaron likes what he sees

Criminal Minds | Mature | fanart Aaron Hotchner / Derek Morgan

Summary: Hotch gets a handful

Tags & Warnings: Mature Art | No Visible Nudity View on AO3 for full art

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Plaid Clad Morgan

Criminal Minds | Mature | Fanart | Pinup Derek Morgan

Summary: What a tease

Tags & Warnings: Mature Art | No Visible Nudity View on AO3 for full art

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One Million Words

Criminal Minds | Teen | fanart | comic, 13 pages Spencer Reid / Maeve Donovan

Summary: Imagine how many words you could share with another person if you had the time. It's all they had and he'll never forget.

Tags & Warnings: Multi Page Comic / Art | No Dialogue | S8 Spoilers - iykyk View on AO3 for full art