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stuthestew · 4 months ago

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These Aren’t the Candy Stripers, but They’ll Do

Hades, Jafar, Captain Hook x Sick!Reader

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“Uuuuughhhh”

“Wh- ew, the hell’s wrong with you?”

Hades stared down in mild disgust at (Y/N)’s collapsed body, Hook knelt besides them petting their hair look up at the god,

“The poor dog’s sick, that’s what. Pallor as a corpse and twice as clammy.”

“Oh. Yeeesh kid, why even bother showin’ up today?”

“Well I asked them the same thing, and all I got in response was them mumbling something about ‘attaining bread’… their fever must’ve made the poppet delusional.” Hook lifted (Y/N) up from beneath their shoulders, their body now limply resting against his own.

Hades rubbed the back of his neck, a slight pang of worry sparking in his chest as (Y/N) hacked into their arm. He remembered how mortals used to keel over from these types of things….

“Searching for sourdough aside, they can’t be here.”

“You don’t say?” Hook cooed sarcastically, “well what do you suggest we do?”

The flames atop Hades head flickered, the god hemming and hawing, before snapping his fingers.

“Why, we take ‘em home of course!”

Hook stared, his thin mustache twitching as he tried to conceal the sneer threatening to overtake his face. (Y/N) shifted uncomfortably at Hooks tightening grasp.

“Blow me down, that’s just a marvelous idea! We’ll just tell the management that we’ll be leaving company grounds, driving a car that neither of us know how to use to (Y/N)’s home that we don’t know the location of! Brilliant old sport!!”

Hades looked down at the foppish pirate, nonplussed, before spreading his arms out

“James- pal—“

“You don’t get to call me James.”

“…James, pal— I think you forget the company that you’re in. We just happen to be amongst some of the slimiest, conniving, intelligent schmucks ever dreamed up. Here- pick ‘em up and walk with me.”

Against Hooks better judgement, he obliged to the god. Lifting the delirious attendant in his arm and following Hades down the hall.

“Me and a few others ‘ave been speaking about this for a while, y’know— letting bygone be bygones and getting our Σκατά together.”

“And why haven’t been included in these… ‘discussions’?” Hook asked, feeling slightly offended at being un-included

Hades waved his hands, “Ah, not important! This isn’t about you, it’s about our sweet (Y/N) getting proper home rest.”

Looking away from Hades after his dismissal of Hooks question, he realized where the god had been leading the trio, the door to Jafars room slightly open.

Hades, not even considering knocking, swung open the door to reveal Jafar, who was sat at his work desk and buffing his turban.

“WHA— Do you ever knock!?!?”

“What are you, a teenage girl? C’mon. (Y/N)’s sick and we’re taking ‘em home, time to do what we talked about.”

Jafar looked past Hades broad figure at Hook, then down at (Y/N) in his arms. Even in their feverish state, they managed to raise their arm in greeting. The irritated look across his face softened a bit.

“Ah, well then. Give me a moment”

Jafar stood from his seat, grabbing his turban off its stand and placing it back on his head. He then reached down to pick up his staff that rested beside him.

“Who is it we need to persuade?”

“Persuade? Just what in Neptunes name are two blithering about!?” Hook finally interrupted, his patience already strung thin.

“Patience Captain, it will all be explained in a moment~ Now Hades, please lead the way.” Jafar walked toward the trio, joining them in the hallway. He leaned over (Y/N), eyes furrowed as he watched sweat roll down their forehead.

“Oh, they really don’t look good.”

“Exactly, that’s why we need to have a talk with their shift supervisor about taking them home.” Hades began down the hall, not waiting for the others to catch up.

————————————————————————

“Are you two positive this will work?”

“I didn’t become the royal vizier through sheer luck. It’s best you have some faith in me.”

The group stood outside the (Y/N)’s shift supervisors office. Hades rested against the wall with (Y/N) in his arms, Hook needing a break after carrying them for at least an hour.

“They’ve been here long enough, let’s get them the rest they deserve.” Jafar said, rapping his knuckles against the door, “Watch a professional at work.”

The office door opened, the supervisor failing to hide his shock at the sight of the villains.

“Oh! Uh—Jafar? What’s up?”

Jafar gestured towards (Y/N) with his staff, the motion hiding the ruby eyes of the cobra beginning to glow.

“Your hardworking employee, (Y/N), has fallen ill. You will let them off early and give them a fully paid sick leave.”

The supervisors eyes glazed over, the red glow from the staff reflecting off his irises.

“Sick?….of course…they deserve rest..”

Hook stared in shock, having never seen Jafars powers up close before. Hades didn’t care to look, a satisfied smirk growing on his face as he used his heat to keep (Y/N) from shivering.

Jafar grinned, stifling a chuckle as he held his staff closer towards the shift supervisor’s face,

“We will also be taking our darling attendant home, so clear our schedules as well.”

The man muttered something incoherent, turning stiffly towards his work computer, most likely to log (Y/N) sick leave.

Jafar closed the door, turning around to the mildly horrified Hook and a very pleased Hades.

“Look at you, stretch face! Seems like you still got it!” Hades praised, adjusting his hold of (Y/N) to give the sorcerer a flaming thumbs up.

“Yes, now that the… ‘official’ side of this has been dealt with, let’s get the dear home. Are their keys in their locker?”

“Ooh~ way ahead of ya!” With a flick of his wrist, plumes of smoke accumulated in his palm, before disappearing to reveal (Y/N)’s bag.

“Here, catch.” Hades threw the bag at Hook, who fumbled to grab it with his hand, still very much in shock.

“Wha— how- You can use your magic!?” Hook manage to get out, following behind Hades and Jafar towards the exit of the studio. “I thought they left your magic behind when they brought us all here!?”

“Yeah, so did we. That was actually true for a while, but a few weeks back Maleficent sprouted a thorn bush through the floor during one of her fits.”

A slightly yellowed exit sign hung over the back doors of the studio, the employees parking lot visible through the glass of the doors. With a push, Jafar opened the exit doors, letting Hades crouch through the doorframe, Hook following suit, the pirate quickly thanking Jafar.

“So— of course she told us all, and after a few tests ourselves, some of our magic was returning.”

“But not in full, that little trick of mine back there used up all my energy. But it was more magic compared to a few weeks ago,”

Jafar turned to look at Hook, a near manic smile on his face,

“We’re getting our power back.”

————————————————————————

They made their way down the rows of cars, each of them still unfamiliar with modern day technology.

“So, which one of these machines belongs to (Y/N)?” Jafar asked, playing with the feather atop his turban

“If I had to guess, it’d be that beast there.” The Captain gestured with his hook towards a specific car. The car displayed a strange custom license plate, with stickers of (Y/N)s favorite media covering the sides of the trunk window, one specific sticker proudly reading ‘I❤️dilfs’.

“Yep, that’s the one.”

Hook opened (Y/N)’s bag, rummaging around before pulling out a lanyard at least 2 pounds heavy with the amount of keychains on it.

“Oh, for the love of—”

Combing through the keychains finally reveals a set of car keys.

Hades took the keys from Hook and pressed the button to unlock the doors.

“Alright get in. Here—Jafar, you sit with (Y/N) in the back. James, you get passenger seat.”

After some glorified hot potato with (Y/N)s body, everyone got into their seats. Their attendants head resting on Jafars lap as Hades and Hook fiddled with the dashboard. Hades put the keys into the ignition like he’d seen on Tv, but anything after that stumped him.

“This isn’t like any boat I’ve ever steered..”

“No kidding, this isn’t exactly a chariot ride either. But that’s where I put my title of god to good use.”

A look of concentration passed over Hades face, his brows furrowed as he gripped the steering wheel. After a minute, tiny blue flames traveled down Hades arms and across the steering wheel and dashboard. In a flash of heat, the car started, engine rumbling and lights on.

“YES! Hades rules!!” The god cheered, pumping his fists and singeing the roof of the car.

Hook flinched at the sudden movement, gripping the leather seat and slightly tearing it with his hook.

Hades turned towards the men, moving his eyebrows,

“Check this out~”

The car began to slowly reverse, Hades hands nowhere near the wheel. The car steered itself out of the parking spot and began to drive out of the employee lot.

“Incredible…” Hook whispered to himself, even Jafar was silently impressed.

Somehow, (Y/N) broke through unconsciousness, looking around blearily,

“I didn’t buy a plan ticket…?”

“Don’t worry (Y/N), this puppy already knows where to go. Just hold tight and rest up.”

“Ah.. just wake me up when we land..” they mumbled as their fever overtook them.

“I forget (Y/N) has a life outside of us,” Jafar mused, “I wonder what little hovel they call home..”

————————————————————————

When Jafar called (Y/N)s home a Hovel, he had only been partly joking, he didn’t expect his darling to live somewhere like…this.

The car had managed to drive the forty five minute long journey to (Y/N)s house without incident, save for the confused looks from drivers in passing cars. But as closer the car grew to (Y/N)s home, so did the men’s concern.

“Blimey, I’ve seen pirate coves in better condition..” Hook grimaced.

“Yeah no kiddin’… I thought for a second that this car took a wrong turn into the underworld.” Hades chuffed, squinting out the window at a raccoon making off with what seemed like full pack of beer.

The car slowly pulled into a parking lot of a dingy apartment complex, stopping neatly between some other cars and turning off.

“Well— let’s get ‘em home.” Hades ordered, everyone getting out of the car and walking towards the complex. It seemed like no one was outside their apartments, but the villains didn’t want to take any chances, quickly hurrying to a partially covered area.

Hades looked down at (Y/N)s body, which was now being carried by Jafar, and began to slightly nudge their shoulder.

“Babe— Kid, wake up.”

(Y/N) coughed, blinking away sleep to look up at the god.

“We’re here. What’s your apartment number?”

It took a few minutes for the question to be processed before (Y/N) finally responded, the number just barely being whispered out before falling back asleep.

“I don’t like how unresponsive they’ve been, we need to get them to bed.” Hook murmured, taking the lead.

Hook read each individual address before stopping at the correct number. Hades fished the keys out of his chiton, and unlocked the faux wooden door, revealing (Y/N)s home.

The men gaped at the interior. The inside of (Y/N)s apartment was a polar opposite to the filth and chintzy neighborhood. Sure—the apartment was a glorified broom closet, but (Y/N) had managed to work with the space, decorating the interior as tastefully as their budget allowed.

The walls were covered in art prints and photographs of (Y/N)s family, and every surface was covered in trinkets. Even the air smelt like them, a mix of natural musk and their favorite detergent.

For a moment, the villains felt like they were intruding on some sacred space, never having been surrounded by so much… (Y/N), before.

Jafar pushed past the others, walking towards (Y/N)s unmade bed. The rested the attendant down on the mattress, taking their shoes off and pulling the covered over their body.

“Well at least they’re in a proper bed,” Jafar mused “I’ll check the washroom for anything to break their fever.”

Hook looked down at (Y/N), whose pained expression had now softened at being in bed. He strained his mind to remember what his mother had done when he was sick, everything before Neverland was a blur, but through hazy scenes and faces he remembered a blurry bowl of soup being presented to him.

“They’ll need something to take the medicine with. I’ll look through the dears kitchen for something to cook up.” The pirate spoke up, looking up at Hades for confirmation before walking into the small kitchen across from (Y/N)s bed.

That left Hades alone, standing at the foot of (Y/N)s bed. For a moment he just watched the rising and falling of their chest, the sight of a living body being almost uncomfortably unfamiliar.

A shine caught Hades eye, his attention turning towards the picture frame on (Y/N)s bedside table. Other than an empty glass and some medication bottles, the photograph was the only thing noteworthy near his park attendants bed.

Hades leaned down, taking the photograph into his hands for a closer look, only to nearly drop it when he realized what this photo was.

It was the picture that (Y/N) had taken of all the Villains in the studio, after the 100th year anniversary celebration. Each Villains expression a range of confusion and joy. Thinking back to that day, Hades was sure that was the first time any of the Villains were actually happy since they were brought to ‘life’.

And here it was, neatly displayed in an expensive looking frame.

“Geez kid… we-” Hades paused, for the first time in his miserable existence, he was at a loss for words.

“We really mean something to you, don’t we?..”

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The feeling of something cool against their head was what woke (Y/N) up. They cursed at their consciousness, being met with a headache.

For a moment they just stayed still, trying to remember why they were asleep in the first place.

They knew that they woke up with a fever, and tried to push through it, but everything after that was a blur. All they remember was the sensation of being carried, and….being on a plane?

(Y/N) opened their eyes, rubbing the crust away before reaching towards the wet sensation on their forehead. Pulling away the object, they saw it was an old washcloth.

“What…”

Groggy and a little anxious at not being able to recall most of their day, (Y/N) sat up, now realizing they were in bed…back in their apartment.. still dressed in their work clothes..

“Poppet!”

(Y/N)s eyes darted towards their kitchen, mouth falling open in shock at the sight of Hook in their apron, holding a ladle. The man had a rare smile, furthering (Y/N)s confusion.

“James? Wh—am I still dreaming?”

Hook gave them an odd look, before shaking his head and disappearing into the kitchen.

“Oh no, dear. This is actually the first time you’ve woken since we brought you home.” Hook spoke before calling out, “They’re awake, men!”

Shuffling was heard beyond (Y/N)s bed, Hades and Jafar rushing towards their attendant.

“Kid!! How’r ya feeling?”

“You had us worried half to death, I had half the mind to begin blood letting to release the bad humors myself.”

(Y/N) just stared at the men, processing everything that is happening before croaking out,

“I’m pulling through…but what the hell??”

“You collapsed at work (Y/N).” Hades spoke, using (Y/N)s real name to relay his seriousness. “Hook found ya in the hallway with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. We took it upon ourselves to bring you home!”

“…Okay…” (Y/N) nodded, “how?”

“We drove you home, of course!” Jafar grinned. “We’ll tell you all the details later, long conversations aren’t fitting for a fever.”

“Aye, that’s why we’re here, who best to take care of you than the greatest minds ever drawn?” Hook finally walked into the bedroom, holding a steaming bowl. He cut through the others, placing the bowl into (Y/N)’s hands.

“Here, love. You need something in your stomach to for the medicine to take effect.”

(Y/N) managed to break their eyes away from the men, taking the bowl and bringing it to their lips, lightly blowing before taking a long sip.

The soup was… edible. (Y/N) could tell Hook had used measly ingredients left over in the kitchen. The soup being a strange amalgamation of tinned fish and wilted herbs, but still, it sat warm in (Y/N)s stomach.

“Thank you for the soup, James” (Y/N) spoke, their voice now clearer from the warm broth, “I’m already feeling better.”

Hook preened, ignoring the withering looks from Hades and Jafar.

“No, seriously. Thank you, guys. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t shown up, I know I’m not that popular amongst the rest of the staff, so if it wasn’t for you I think I would’ve driven my self home. That, or crawl my way to your lounge like a leper.” (Y/N) looked down at the bowl, a little embarrassed at their genuineness.

“If I didn’t have snot running down my nose right now, I’d give you all kisses to show my thanks!” They grinned, trying to break the tension.

The men all had varying degrees of reaction, each of them shifting between flustered and disgust.

“Save the sap for later, kid. We’ll figure out how you can repay us tomorrow, as well as give you all the exhilarating details on how we got you here.” Hades ruffled (Y/N)s hair, ignoring their groans in protest.

“That’s right darling, just worry about breaking that fever. We’ll be here until you’re well again~” Jafar mused, giving a wave of his hand and turning towards (Y/N)s couch, planning on making the most of their extensive movie collection.

“Aye, especially since our schedules have been cleared! We might even have us a day for you to show us around! I’ve always wanted to see the beaches here…” Hook readjusted the covers on (Y/N)s body.

Hades and Hook left (Y/N)s side, going to join Jafar on the couch, leaving their attendant tucked into bed.

…

“Wait—what do you mean our schedules are cleared? WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO—!?”

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Yay!! This has been in the works for a while! I’ve been wanting to iron out the timeline of the Villains, and if they still had their powers after being brought to reality. I headcannon that Disney took away there powers, but after a while the Villains got them back.

I had Covid a month ago (The day I had to help my sister move), and when I was sick in bed all I wanted was to be doted on, so this is super self indulgent

#haven't reblogged in so long but this person is so great #go check em out #disney villains #self insert #disney imagine #disney x reader #disney hades #captain hook #disney jafar #sickfic

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