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#11 finding guilt free rest and, a singles weekend camping trip

The past months, i've been quite active for the self growth, going to places, events, working on creative projects, i wasn't running myself ragged but it had just been a while since i did basically nothing for a day, this Sunday i rested, sat in the garden with tea just existing. It was different than any rest i took before, i realised my head was completely empty in a good way. There was no need to do anything, no worry or guilt, no little voice saying in my head: you need to do something, just peace and total zen.

Before, when i would rest there would always be guilt, always self imposed things i need to do NOW, personal projects and sometimes going to work in the weekend, it was all a way to run away from the past, keep busy to avoid processing it.

Now though, i've faced the past and given it a place. I will always be a busy brain, but it's great to find out that i can see when i've worked hard and actually allow myself to rest now. It's very liberating to let go of that habit that was with me for so long.

The weekend before last i went on an active weekend for singles, to do a bit of traveling and for social practice. Arrival was on Friday, setting up tents and meeting the group. It was pretty awkward at first because no one knows anyone but this changed quickly, Friday night everyone had spoken to everyone at least once and on Saturday morning we were already a temporary friend group.

On Saturday we mountain biked for most of the day, 40 km on hilly trails, it was tough but very fun. Talks continued during the biking off and on, when we got back everyone went to a hot tub but i opted out to have a little break and get the fire going to cook with (this is part of getting to know myself better too. I've realised i'm not someone who's social all day, and it takes energy, but taking a break allowed me to join in on the evening's conversations) after we cooked, we sat by the fire and talked more, talks were actually quite deep sometimes and i shared some personal stories too.

On Sunday we went for a bit of canoeing and packed up the campsite afterwards, then went for a walk, it went quite fast, the whole weekend did really. After the walk it was back home to enjoy the comfort of my own bed, the nights had been cold so i hadn't slept great but it was a great weekend.

Afterwards, someone in the group chat asked what impression they had made on everyone, as they were working on themselves, i replied to them privately with some positives and they replied with some positive things about me as well. They'd actually read me quite well even though we hadn't spoken very much, which i'm happy about. It proves that i've become a lot more myself, more open with people now. In the past people have mentioned that i was very closed off to them at first and that they started liking me better after seeing me a few times, bc only then i would be myself around them. I already felt like this was improving but getting it confirmed like this is great.

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#10 understanding myself by helping others

The place i work at is also partly a social workplace, there will usually be 2/3 people in the team who have trouble on the 'normal' job market, their stories vary. We don't get very severe cases or dangerous people but i won't lie, some of them are very difficult to help and work with. None of us are trained to work in care and it does happen sometimes that someone doesn't fit the team and has to leave early.

On the flip side there have also been big success stories with people really finding their drive again, some have been hired onto the team and can work independently now, others move on to other work and also do well. They'll come in with no experience but they'll have an eye for the work and see what they have to do, which in our work is worth more than any diploma or certificate.

There are also those that fall in between the two, they'll have good and bad days or they're 'neutral' and they'll give you back what you put into them so to speak, one of these guys has given me some insight recently.

He's been with us for about 8 months now, we never get someone's full backstory bc of privacy but he's definitely autistic in some way, he has his habits and routines but that's ok. What makes it difficult to work with him is his insecurity, i'll explain a job to him and he'll come back to me, ask if it's ok what he's doing, i'll explain again and he'll be back not 5 minutes later to ask again. This is annoying, especially bc he knows his stuff and he has an eye for the work, he just gets so in his head that he won't think for himself. Sometimes i get so annoyed that i'll be angry with him, i won't vent it at him but i'm not proud of it.

A few weeks ago, i was just having a chat with our boss about him, while we were talking i realised there was a lesson for me in my annoyance. I was annoyed bc he reminded me of how i used to be when i started out on the job market. Very insecure even though i knew my stuff, working in greenery can be quite tough, there are companies where if you don't do something perfectly right away you'll be scolded and given the bad jobs. I had to learn quickly a lot of the time and was thrown in the deep end a lot too. This was ofc stressful but it also challenged and taught me a lot.

But over time it also changed my attitude to new coworkers, i would judge them if they didn't pick up on things quickly, i wasn't being fair, and the talk with my boss made me realise that. Who was i to judge people when i don't know their full story? Especially after the past 6 months i should know we don't all go at the same pace, and we all need another chance sometimes. Far better to come at this from a place of understanding, i resolved to do better.

Last week we worked together again, before we started i talked a bit with him and said: i know you're insecure, but you have an eye for the work, please trust me that when i tell you to do something, i have faith that you're able to do it. I won't ask things of you that i think you can't do, i'm going to challenge you a bit today. I helped him get started and put him on the tractor for the day, a complete first for him, i could tell he was nervous but he did it and he did good for a first time. But most importantly: we only conferred a few times that day, we were both doing our own thing, working independently, and i'm proud of both of us for how the day went.

This was a good step but i'll need to keep working on breaking that judgmental habit, i love helping and teaching people new things, especially if it's about nature. I've considered a mentorly role/giving excursions a few times but i'm still unsure about it. But if i do want to do that eventually, i'll need to be a patient teacher as well.

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#9 Airsoft, finding hobby friends, or, getting 'adopted' by an extravert

7 years ago i lived and worked on the other side of the country, i was lonely because i had moved away and wasn't finding a lot of people in my new area (looking back i should have done more, different things but that's another story) i took up Airsoft, a shooting sport a lot like paintball. It had piqued my interest for some time and now the time was right to start. I got the things i needed and went to a few matches.

I was having fun and found a nice community with people always open to help a newcomer, but no deeper things formed, until my third match, i found two guys who had also just started playing, they were work friends, sharing a hobby. Me and another guy at this match ended up sharing a table with them in the break area and we were all on the same team, we stuck together most of the day and at the end one of the two said we should join their team. At first i was doing the old withdraw habit, but he basically overpowered my reflex and before i knew it, i was adopted as a friend by an extravert.

We started going to matches together mostly every month, staying in touch over the app in between, talking about most things airsoft, over the years we've become closer and joined another team. Where i also ended up helping out on a field a lot, building things and sometimes assisting with running matches.

The past 6 months i've grown a lot, but most of my social growth can be traced back to airsoft and the people i met through it. It is a place where i could and can be my weird self. I can run, shout and be wacky, all the things i'm not in my daily life, it's a great 'release valve'. We're all a bit of a weird bunch and are always joking around, some days we shoot each other more than our opponents, but it's all in good fun. Airsoft looks agressive and military from the outside but i have only found good people, there will ocassionaly be 'call of duty' fanatics but they never last long in the sport.

We live all over the country but still see each other at matches mostly every month and keep in touch. We eat together and exchange gifts around Christmas and we can always talk to one another, ask for advice. The original extravert and a female friend we met later have become my unofficial 'date coaches' even, all because 7 years ago an extravert adopted an introvert as a friend, and that's a beautiful thing.

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#8 my proudest moment (so far)

Like i said in my last post, processing the past involves giving the negative things their place, but it is also about remembering the good things that happened and properly appreciating them, this post is about that.

After finishing high school and after that, gardening school(not really my thing, also still didn't really fit in with my peers), i went to forestry school on the other side of the country. It was an old school, well known and with a tradition. It was 4 hours back and forth by train every day. But i was happy to make the trip, it was the first school i went to where everyone was eager to go every day. We were all interested in the subjects, we had good teachers with good connections for field trips and course work, for the first time in my school life i was thriving. It was the very start of my social blooming, it was easy to connect with my fellows bc of our shared interest, when i finished school is when the tradition comes in, and the pride.

At the end of every school year, the teachers would come together and decide on a graduating student to receive a set of antlers. There were years that no antlers were given out bc there were no stand out students. It wasn't just about good grades but also about interest, attitude, helping people out. I didn't know about this tradition until the graduation ceremony where it was explained, i remember thinking: 'oh that'll be my classmate, he's a good guy with good grades' color me surprised when they called my name. Everyone cheered me, my classmates loudest of all. In the moment i was pretty overwhelmed so went to get the antlers and went to the back again. But the more i think about it the more i realise what it means to me, my teachers had seen my hard work and all my classmates said i deserved it, my imposter syndrome took a huge hit that day. The antlers are my proudest posession to this day.

This is emotional just to write about, but what makes it even more so is: my mother told me afterwards that my father had tears in his eyes when they called my name, i have never seen him cry, not even when his mother died, (he has trouble showing his emotions because he lost his father young, they had to work hard and didn't talk about things) to think i made him so proud that i broke that barrier in him makes me tearful, realising the love between us. We're not a very open family, we rarely say 'i love you' but we show it, by being there for each other thick and thin. this makes it special for us to show emotion in that way.

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#7 where to now?

Now we're caught up to the present day, the question is what next? how to keep this momentum going?

the calendar is pretty well filled, i'm attending another creative cafe soon and going on an active weekend for singles this Easter, also going on a singles trip to Sweden in May, On mother's day i'll take my mother on an outing, comic con is in May as well, i'll go with my sister and meet some friends there too. all these are good for social excercise and growth,

To quell some insecurity, i hope to get some good responses to my project that i'll wear to comic con, i noticed at the last creative cafe i was hestitant to show my work to the others, because it's showing myself too, in the past i couldn't show myself bc it would be used against me. This has been getting better with positive feedback from the people around me but there's still some remnants. I also want to practice getting better at receiving compliments about my work, as rn it's also an old habit to downplay my effort and not be fully proud and show it.

On the love/dating front, i'm currently taking a bit of rest although i've had 2 crushes since dating the Bulgarian girl, one of them quite strong, i wrote to her (the only option) but got no response. I'm hoping to run into someone on the singles trips but the main goal in going on them is just to have a nice time and get out there with like-minded people of around my age. If i don't meet anyone in the meantime i want to intensify the search this summer, i'm also taking the time till then to do a bit more soul searching to make sure i'm 100% ready mentally and don't bring too much 'bagage' with me.

For the last month i've been rifling through my head in search of any old emotions that still need to be placed but nothing much has turned up, just a few positive things, i wrote to an old teacher and mentor to thank him, he made a big impact on me by being the first authority figure that actually saw me, not just a student and a number to process, i still remember him vividly 17 years later. He replied and thanked me for the message, he still remembered me and said that the impact he had on me and others was the reason he went into teaching.

One other positive thing comes to mind but i'll give that it's own post, the blog will be less structured now as i'll write more about things as they happen now and sometimes about things in the past that didn't really fit the flow, or that will sometimes pop into my head.

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#6 doubts and nerves, (planning) a second date

I woke up the next day and my head was racing, it all got very real very quickly for me, it was quite intense, i was second guessing myself a lot because i didn't feel the same way i did about my crush in January, our communication did not make this any easier, but something else was just.. off, there was something missing.

We apped a bit and both said that the date was lovely, i wanted her to come up with an idea for a second date and was gently steering the convo towards this the whole week, we apped a little bit every day. On Thursday she came up with the idea to go for a walk, i asked her if she had an area in mind, she said beach or forest. i suggested 2 areas and she said i could pick, i thought it was a bit indecisive but okay, on Friday i wasn't nervous anymore, just excited that i would see her again, i had some butterflies the night before we went on the walk.

I picked her up and she was quiet, i tried a few times to start up talks but she mostly responded briefly and didn't 'follow through' on anything. She talked about her interest a bit: crossfit and healthy eating, which i dont know much about so it was difficult to keep the convo going. I tried a different approach and asked if we could hold hands a bit, she laughed and said okay, i told her that it was important to me to ask her, as we were alone out in nature and i wanted her to feel comfortable with me. it was nice but not 2 minutes later she pulled her hand away again. It just seemed a bit cold to me.

The whole thing was making me doubtful again, i think there was just a lot of communication trouble but i also got the feeling she wasn't that invested, by this point i knew 3 times as much about her as she did about me, she was also quite traditional and i noticed we thought quite differently on a few things that came up in convo (you dont have to agree on everything ofc but we were actually quite different) But the thing that really sealed it for me: when we were driving back, we talked a bit about me doing yoga and being creative and sewing, she told me: maybe you should think about what you really want in life, that made me realise that, to be with her, i would have to fold myself into a box and discard what makes me, me. I had told her in rough lines the same things i've blogged about, how the things i do have helped me grow and given me peace, but apparently she hadn't listened or remembered. I knew right then that we weren't right for each other.

I dropped her off and we had a little hug and a kiss on the cheek, afterwards she stood in front of me expectantly, i think she wanted me to initiate more but i didn't want to take the chance of having read it wrong (also bc she pulled her hand away on the walk.) I was also hurt at what she had said on the ride back so i left, i thought it over a bit, discussed it with my sister and broke it off over the app, she took it well and that was that really.

I think in the end i was nervous for most of those 2 weeks because of everything being so new, but i was also nervous because the fun wasn't really there, mainly because of poor communication and my feelings not being that strong in the end, the feelings did come back and make me regret cutting it off a few times but i knew i made the right call. especially when my mother told me the next week: it's good that you're laughing again, i haven't heard you laugh in 2 weeks. Dating will ofc always be a little nerve wracking but this was just too much so.

I am grateful for the experience, she gave me a lot of insight and a reference for any future feelings, before all this, i was super nervous about the idea of dating but now i'm looking forward to jumping in the pool, after a bit of a rest. we parted on good terms, wishing each other well and i hope she finds someone, i look back on it all fondly, especially the first date, i still practice the dance moves we learned :)

As stated i'm resting for a bit now, will write about where i'm at now and my plans in the next post.

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#5 my first date and first kiss

We met on a group walk that was organised through Meetup, we walked together for a bit, i overheard she was from Bulgaria, so i asked her about that and afterwards we talked quite naturally, ended up walking with just her for almost the whole route, made her laugh a few times and liked that a lot, i was sparking a bit. We went to a cafe to eat something after the walk and i noticed her looking at me twice, she quickly looked away both times, after the first time i was doubtful, did i see it right? but after the second time i was sure that she was checking me out, when the group said goodbye i took her apart and asked if she would like to meet up in private sometime and gave her my number. 2 days later she contacted me.

I put out a few date ideas but she didn't really give me a yes or no, our communication was difficult because we were speaking english, a second language for both of us, it was easy for misunderstandings to form. but i pushed through and asked if i could surprise her. I saw on her Meetup profile that she was interested in dancing and dancing classes, something that i've always wanted to do as well. She agreed to be surprised and i arranged a trial lesson for 'swing solution' a mix of salsa, swing and latin dancing, i also booked dinner for afterwards.

I was quite tense from the moment she contacted me, but when we set the date a lot of emotions came out, i think i slept 2 hours total that night, in the morning i cried heavily, it was all the emotions: relief, tension, tiredness, pride at my efforts of the last months giving results, my self worth has grown the past months but it was still surreal that i got a date, deep down there was still that thought that i was worthless, unlovable, i proved that feeling wrong and it was incredibly emotional, very healing. I called my dad (i was away from home at the time) to talk with him about it. We're both very dry outwardly, we feel stronger than we show, we talked a bit and he was happy but also very down to earth and it helped ground me a lot.

During the week we had a bit of back and forth contact on the app, nothing too deep but before i knew it, it was friday, the day of, i was mowing in the reed fields and found some blooming willows, i cut them to give to her, i also made a felt flower, a forget-me-not. i washed my car, put on my neatest clothes and picked her up, when i saw her come down the stairs all my nerves went away. She liked the willow blooms. We went to the dance lesson and it was lovely, it was a great way to do something together, touch each other a bit, look into each others eyes, we came in at lesson 4 out of 10 so got a bit of a crash course. She had prior experience and was sweet enough to help me out a bit, i made a bit of a fool of myself but we laughed about it. The dance teacher did say i did very well for someone who never danced before.

When we walked to the restaurant i told her that she was my first date, she was surprised but seemed alright with it. The dinner afterwards was alright, we talked some more, there were bits of silence but nothing too severe. i drove her home and she gave me a hug, then i told her 'i have one more thing to give you' i gave her the flower to thank her for being my first dance partner, she loved it and gave me another hug. I asked if i could kiss her, she said yes and i leaned in and.. pressed my lips on hers basically, it wasn't much of a kiss but i was still happy. I walked her to the door and we hugged again, i drove off happy but deep in thought, thinking on how things went and how the feelings for someone are meant to develop, there was attraction for sure but was it enough? this is getting long so i'll save it for the next post but i will put spoilers and say i broke it off after our second date.

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#4 the first fruits, my first crush

After new year's i went back to work and was already feeling a lot better, a lot less tired, a new feeling had popped up, it had been there since October but it had been steadily growing since. I wanted love, to share my life with someone, do fun things together, help each other, take care of each other. i wasn't blind before and could definitely appreciate beauty and if someone had attractive personality, but i never felt the need or real want to approach anyone. Probably because i didn't even really love myself then.

This changed when we had a work event, the whole company gathered for a presentation, and i met someone from a different department. I ended up talking to her a bit and we were in the same team for a game after the presentation, i was very interested in her, she made me feel warm in the chest but the opportunity to talk to her further wasn't really there. I was processing it all a bit that night (and cue Dipper Pines: oh no.) and i slept poorly, i had massive butterflies, could hardly eat. I decided to ask her out through the app, i was so nervous i couldn't even do that without shaking hands. She politely declined and that was rough for a while, i've seen her a few times since and that was a bit awkward but the feelings for her are pretty much gone now. I'm very grateful to her, she lit a light in my head that hasn't gone out since, it was really a stamp of approval from my body that said: well done on the resting, the growing, go and explore this now. Crushing in that way, being a little in love is a fantastic feeling, the whole world is more beautiful when you feel it and since then i've really started looking for love, i'm not on dating apps yet but am keeping my eyes open wherever i go, which leads neatly into the next post.

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#3 accepting who i am because of the past, and time for emotions

(DISCLAIMER: in this post i write about working on my mental health and self acceptance, i share what worked for me but please be aware that i'm not a mental health professional. You can ofc try the stated things but if you're struggling or having bad thoughts please seek professional help.)

Time to speak of the past, at least a bit. i was bullied in school a lot, i was excluded a lot, always got picked last at gym class, sometimes there was physicality, i never got beat up but it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder either, i didn't fit in and it was made very clear to me by a lot of the kids, the reasons? i have a last name that's easy to make fun of, i was shy, tall for my age but never agressive, i was an easy target. i had a few friends and they helped a lot but the whole experience still affected me a lot, it made me turn inwards. I got very focused on school work to run from reality and to get praise from the adults in my life, it became a habit that stuck with me. It's why i worked so much and so hard, if my work was perfect and done quickly, no one could criticize it and by extension me, and there would be no conflict. To this day i hate conflict, i start to shake when i have somewhat heated arguments with people. It's who i am in part, i'm a sweet guy who just wants people to get along, but it's also because of the past and i'm working on being more confrontational.

I mulled this all over when i took the trip before christmas, i was on the train and writing about it, writing helped to organise every thought well. i realised i never processed the past properly and i needed to give it a place to be able to grow. I wrote to my child self to discuss the past and to say it was okay now, that we're here now, we have the chance to grow and we should let the past.. not so much let it go, but not let it rule our life anymore. Me the grown up would take care of him and i invited him to come along for the ride.

It helped to give my bad feelings a face that i could adress, by coming at it from a place of compassion and acceptance i was able to accept what happened and how it shapes me now, i also see the good now, the past has made me empathic and given me a fine feel for people's energy but most of all: what happened never broke me. i withdrew but i never fundamentally changed, and i'm still the kind boy i always was through and through.

But my inner child doesn't only house bad feelings, he's also my creativity, my wonder at the world, cheeky ideas, humor and love, we're both growing and healing by taking this journey and even though we've a ways to go and it has it's difficulties, it's given me a peace i never thought possible. And i am thankful to have the chance to grow.

Since this acceptance came over me, the bottled up emotions of the years have come by one by one: pride in what i've achieved, sadness over what happened, grief i never processed, the love for my family and friends, it's all come by and i've cried over most of it, i've cried more in the past 6 months than i have ever before. It's getting less and less now, most of it all has been given a place, but i was basically in survival mode for years and had some catching up to do.

this one was a bit heavy, i'll write about some positivity in the next one.

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#2 taking stock, and the first steps

Once i knew i had to change, i took stock of what i had and what was missing in my life, i have a good job that i like, i live with a good family (parents & older sister) with a stable home and i have a good group of hobby-friends, on the flip side i was very tired, i was missing social skills and had lost touch with my childhood friends, i was also missing a project, something for my brain to work on in my off time. i'd also become set in routines, my brain protesting against any new things.

Having energy was #1 priority, i stopped doing crazy amounts of overtime and started to relax more, if something isn't done today, we'll find a way to do it tomorrow became my mindset, sometimes there will still be long days or things that have to be finished, but in general it's a lot less intense now. i've told my boss about changing my life and he was positive, i've also noticed i'm better liked in the team now and people have said they've noticed the change in me.

For the social skills i started at work, i'm introverted so it takes me some time to 'let loose' around new people, but the people at work are familiar, i started talking more to everyone, started asking for help more (this has also helped a lot with my energy, not just bearing everything on my own) i gave a toolbox meeting to challenge myself. outside of work i started with small rehearsed talks with shopkeepers, people who were walking their dog etc. it was difficult at first but every time i did it, the threshold for conversation got smaller. it's still an ongoing process but i've improved a lot at talking. I've realised i'll never be a grand social butterfly and there will always be people you click more with than others, and that's okay. I reconnected with an old friend recently and we spent 4 hours talking and talking, never a silent moment.

For the 'project' i started sewing more and being creative, i'd sewn occasionaly before but now i did it regularly, i'm currently making flowers a lot and working on a project for the upcoming comic-con the creativity has helped my brain a lot, it helps to think in other ways than normal, puzzling over how to best make something and occupying the hands.

To get out of my routines the talking more and being creative have helped, but i also took a little trip before christmas, the trip was just okay, nothing special but it helped a lot to challenge the brain, i'll usually feel a bit of fear before doing anything new or unfamiliar, i've been tackling this by going to creative workshops/'cafes', group walks and similar things, i also started doing yoga one evening a week. The fear is still there but it gets smaller every time i face it and when i'm at the event/doing the thing, i'll feel fine IMPORTANT: if you're reading this and are looking to grow as well, the best piece of advice i can give you is to play to your strengths in this, the usual piece of advice for people who want to be more social is: 'go to a bar' but for me this wouldn't work, i don't like busy places, loud music and don't drink, if you go and do things that you enjoy, have an interest in, you'll meet like minded people and you can talk about your shared interest at the very least

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#1 realising i need to change

i'll start with this, as the past is quite the long story, and i'm still unsure on how to share it.

I work in nature conservation, something i've wanted to do since i was young, i worked hard to achieve this, went to school on the other side of the country, many internships, volunteering, self study, i was always a hard worker, studious. in part this is who i am, but in part it also comes from the past, focusing on school and work to avoid processing what happened, in effect running away from my feelings.

When i finished school i had the same attitude to work, i worked and worked, the last 2 years before i decided to change, i was sick every saturday from the weeks work, my holidays were spent just resting, i would occasionaly go out, meet up with friends but was mostly at home, i was rapidly approaching burn out.

This past October i had a quiet week at work and a weeks holiday after, it gave me time to reflect, i realised work was taking too much from me, i was tired and quick to anger, my social circle was shrinking, i was unsocial, had never dated, i had no time for hobbies, hadn't been on holiday in 7 years, i knew this consciously already but in that week, it really hit me, from that point on, the focus went to me and not to work, i still love what i do but am taking space for me now.

Since then my mind has opened up a lot, a lot of tiredness came out first, after that a lot of pent up emotions, random crying, a lot of things that were pushed down deep surfaced but working through this has made me grow a lot, there is a lot more peace now, i'm feeling lots better and for the first time in my life there is room for love in my head, will expound on this further in other posts.

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an introduction

Hi there, i'm Stick, 31M and self proclaimed late bloomer. This blog is about me, my past and my (very much ongoing) journey of self improvement, i'm writing here to document it and possibly help/inspire others with my story.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: i'll also write about my mental health and what i'm doing to improve it, but what works for me might not work for you, i'm no professional in these matters, if you are struggling and/or having bad thoughts, please seek professional aid.

expect posts over the coming weeks, i'll write when i feel like it.