stellersseaeagle-blog

[stellersseaeagle-blog]

Fight

Yesterday, when I was at work, he texted me good morning, but I was upset since he hadn’t texted me back the night before. Then, he said I was mad at you last night and I need to talk to you now that you seem mad. I got anxious, since I had no idea why he must be mad. He called and claimed that last night when I woke up and saw him on the couch I became upset. I was like no I wasn’t upset I know why you sleep there sometimes. But, it’s just a bad feeling when I open my eyes and you’re not there. He became even worse and started to shout at me: “You saw me trembling and being in so much pain, but you only think about yourself. You didn’t even give me a damn sheet or pillow.” That was really heart breaking, because I care for this man so much. I always did my best to support him and do anything I can for his comfort. I drove all the way to North York from Vaughan to get a spray from a friend and then drove back to Richmond Hill to get Amoxicillin. Then, I drove to his house and gave them to him. And he claims I don’t care about him. This happened the day before when he was trying to find pills for his pain.

He takes me for granted. He never sees my efforts. I really didn’t know I have to give him a pillow and I didn’t even know he is in pain. And when I said these to him, he was like why you don’t know anything? 

I think this relationship has become abusive. This is too much. These many fights for such stupid reasons is just not healthy. I feel scared and alone. He is reminding me of my ex. My ex was a completely delusional and psychopath. I’m scared.

[stellersseaeagle-blog]

I gave him the notebook

I feel like I did a big mistake. I gave him the notebook. All my feelings, all my thoughts, all my fears and insecurities, all my jealousies, every part of me is in this notebook and I gave it to him. I revealed myself while our relationship is still fragile. I thought it’s not. I thought it is time to be true, to show him the real me. I was tired of pretending. I wanted to drown into him. But now I regret it. I think I’m gonna lose him. He will read that notebook sooner or later and he will realize how obsessed I was and I am with him. All those notes will make him panic and run away. I talked about moving in together a lot on those notes and this is one of the many reasons he’s gonna panic. I made the biggest mistake. I could have given it later, maybe 2 months from now, maybe a year, maybe once we moved in... I hate myself for ruining everything. Now, the only thing I really want to happen is him not reading it. I want him to forget about the notebook.

[stellersseaeagle-blog]

Misery

Last night I decided to google that woman’s name once again. The fact that I want to hurt myself over and over is another story, which we may get to it later. So, I googled her and I found that she works at a UofT lab building, which a few days ago, we drove by. He had found a monitor on Kijiji and the seller asked him to come there for pick up. When we got there, he started to give me some explanation about the building. He said UofT students research about cancer and stuff like that in that building. Last night, when I saw that she works there, I got devastated. It was her who gave him all those information. It felt like they were not only sex partners, but also there was an emotional bound. They talked to each other. They talked about their lives, their daily activities, everything... It was killing me. All these time, I thought our relationship is great, because we are best friends and we talk about everything. I thought I’m special for him, no matter if he cheated on me with several women, there was no connection between them and it was all about physical attraction and sex. But last night, I found out it wasn’t just me who was his best friend. This guy was like that with everybody.

Now I’m questioning everything. Does he really love me? Or is this just because I’m easy and he can keep me while finding another person is hard! Is there anything making me different from other women for him? And many more questions in my mind... I thought I have to talk to him about my feelings. But I promised him to never mention what happened again. I don’y want to open a wound, which is healing, or at least I think it’s healing. But is this gonna heal if I never talk about it? If my questions remain unanswered? Should I talk to him about all this maybe a few months later and not now? I have no guts to talk about it, because I’m scared it will ruin the relationship. But, am I not gonna ruin myself without talking about it? Isn’t this scenario familiar to you? The way you kept all your thinking and feelings for yourself?

Today I searched up on how to get a one way ticket to another country and never come back! I just want to escape my miserable life. A life that I make it miserable myself, because of all the fears and insecurities... 

[stellersseaeagle-blog]

I saw her

We were shopping at No Frills around his place. It was a good day, just like any other day with him. I was looking at some stuff, then I raised my head and saw them greeting. Both were extremely awkward. He introduced us to each other. I was acting pretty cool, but she was shocked. She left and I was acting cool with him. But it was obvious that we are both tense. After a few minutes, I started evaluating what happened. It was like I realized what just happened after a few minutes passed. I couldn’t look at his eyes, but I tried to be ok when he was trying his best to talk about random stuff to make us forget about what happened. Even when we came home, I couldn’t look at his eyes, I couldn’t talk to him, I just tried to reply to what he was saying with a few sentences. After an hour I suppose, we went to bed and we had the best sex ever. I cannot emphasize on how great and romantic and sensual it was. “Is it only me that you fuck like this?” I suddenly asked. He looked at my eyes. “Do you?” I insisted. “What is this question you’re asking!” He replied with serenity. Then I turned back and we continued our romantic sex. Sex was so good that he fell asleep right after he came. 

I have to say that I talked about my last night’s nightmare with him. And I also talked about the meaning of it. I don’t want to make him miserable thinking that I’m insecure and I haven’t forgotten everything. But it takes time! It really does take time! But we’re both trying to be strong. We’re both trying to fix it. And we are. And we will.

[stellersseaeagle-blog]

Dream about Zombie Apocalypse

Last night I had the weirdest dream. I was in a supermarket with a bunch of people. We were all trying to escape and hide from zombies that were also in the supermarket. Some of my family members or friends were there too. Meaning that I wasn’t alone and I was talking to them. But I cannot remember their faces. The hide and seek game went on until I found that Zombies are gone. But the fear was still there, since they could somehow get in again. I wanted to go out, but I was debating it. Then, two guys knocked on the door and I was too scared to open the door. People told me these guys are not infected, so I opened the door. They gave me a weird kind of hand gesture, which was apparently made by non-infected people to recognize each other. I didn’t know that and the guys were surprised. I said I’m not infected and someone else also confirmed that. So they came in. I woke up after that and I was really tired and even scared. I also woke up several times during the night and when I slept the dream went on. I googled the meaning of dream about Zombie Apocalypse and some interesting stuff showed up. Zombies are living deads and they have no control over their feelings and thinking. They could symbolize an unresolved issue or feeling that I want to kill instead of confronting. This dream could help me to face the issue and put an end to it once and for all. I don’t know if I should take my dreams seriously, but I had dreams before that they literally came true. I learned that what I dreamed about was an unconscious feeling that I had, but I didn’t want to face it in reality, because I was too scared to get hurt. And I got hurt about 6 months after that dream when the exact same thing happened in reality. So, that made me think I have to take some of my dreams which are intense like this, more seriously. But I’m still not too sure about it. I’m really confused.